KILL TONY - KILL TONY #386

Episode Date: August 16, 2019

Big Jay Oakerson, Sam Tripoli, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 08/12/2019 THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: FORHIMS.COM/TONYSC – $20 OFF YOUR FIRST MONTH ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv, for every past episode. And click on tour dates if you want to come see us live. Not only are we at the world famous comedy store every Monday, but we are always on the road. We are coming up October 3rd. We're going to be in Dallas.

October 16th and 17th, we'll be in Sacramento. October 18th and 19th is Kill Mania 2 in San Francisco. October 25th, we're going to be in Australia in Bisbane. October 26th, we're going to be in Melbourne, Australia. October 27th, we're going to be in Sydney, Australia. And November 7th, we'll be in Washington, D.C.

Click on tour dates at DeathSquad.tv for all the ticket links and more information. Go to Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own tour dates. He's got some merch. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the book.

He drew posters. You can go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. There you can find everything in the death squad universe including t-shirts hats mugs go to shop squad.tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is redman coming to you live from the world's famous comedy store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Hatchcock. Fuck yeah, everybody. Make some noise. We're here on a Monday. Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday. Yeah. Sounds good. It feels good.

We are live. Brian Redband's here, everybody. Ryan J. Ebelts here drawing tonight's episode. The whole crew is here. The green room is chaos. This place is packed to the gullets, sort of, almost. There's a little dead area over there, but that's blocked from the band. So good on you for not sitting over there.

And hell yeah. Let's just jump right into it, shall we? Just had an amazing weekend of stand-up comedy in Miami. Thank you to everybody at the Miami Improv. I had so much fun. And the road continues. And just I have a little break here. Get to stay in town for a bit, play some Frisbee golf and whatnot.

You know what I mean? And then I go to uh it is key west where is it key west west palm beach no i've been saying key west and i've been fucking up it's west palm beach the first weekend of september and uh but let's make a big announcement right now shall we i should have warned you about this big announcement right now and that is that. Australia, breaking news. Our shows in Australia will sell out three giant theaters, Melbourne, Sydney, and Brisbane, and pre-sale for that show goes on sale this Thursday. Isn't that crazy? This Thursday. I do believe it is the 19th? No, the 16th. The 15th. This Thursday.

In Australia. Friday morning. Wait, no. They go on sale Thursday night here in America. Friday morning in Australia. Thursday night. Something like that. So yeah, get those tickets and they go on sale. Whatever pre-sale isn't. I don't even get the pre-sale thing because it's like, so

they're on sale. Yeah, I think you just want to buy them early. They just call it pre-sale so that people can be like, we sold out in the first 10 minutes. Yeah. Anyway, they go on sale next Monday for the general public, whatever those people are. Probably the people that are going to buy tickets. Post-sale. I love it. So get tickets for that.

You're headlining San Diego August 17th. Yeah, this Saturday I'm bringing Joel Berg out there. So if you want to see Joel Berg, George Perez, and Psy Dick Eddie, who's also been on the show before. Two shows, American Comedy Club. Isn't that fun? And I'm doing a Tony Hinchcliffe and Acquaintances show at the

Hollywood Improv, Friday, August 23rd. Got Neil Hamburger on that. How exciting is that? You know who Neil Hamburger is? You're going to love it. Alright, so let's just jump right into today's show, but before we do, here's a word from our sponsors. You know, Neil Hamburger is? Yeah. You're going to love it. All right. So let's just jump right into today's show. But before we do, here's a word from our sponsors. You know, it's really hard to find qualified candidates for hiring. It's really confusing.

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That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash kill Tony. 4hims.com slash kill Tony. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash kill Tony. Forhims.com slash kill Tony. And we are back. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? This is very exciting. The return of one of our favorite guests, one of my favorite comedians in the world. I worship this guy. I've always looked at him like one of my big brothers on stage and off. I adore him. Truly one of my favorite comedians on the planet. One of my favorite guests on this show. Make some fucking noise for Big Jay Oakerson. Wow. Here we go. New York's finest right here everybody the beast from the east Big Jay Oakerson

yes sir and he does not slow down he's at the Ontario Improv tomorrow he's doing the show The Worst here at the Comedy Store on Tuesday Comedy Works all weekend Legion of Skanks Super Party here next Monday you're doing Legion of Skanks stand up show after Kill Tony next week and the Kill Tony's of skanks super party here next monday oh yeah you're doing a legion of skanks a stand-up show

uh after kill tony next week and the kill tony's you lewis and shane gillis has just been added to that it's gonna be yeah the young bulls coming out i love it three-person panel there and uh fort worth omaha chicago jersey orlando connecticut nashville go to big j comedy.com get tickets for those cities and also of course listen to our favorite show, The Legion of Skanks, and, of course, Bonfire, an ESDR show. You're nonstop. You remind me of me, but a bigger, cooler version. No, not cooler, but definitely bigger. I love it.

So welcome back. You know how this show works. You've been on a bunch. It's chaos, so I'm just going to keep it moving. We have a band on this show. You know this the show works. You've been on a bunch. It's chaos, so I'm just going to keep it moving. We have a band on this show. You know this. I love this. Big J famously once had to bounce a man in Austin, Texas

who was on Mushrooms who tried to attack the leader of this band that I'm about to bring out. Not on my fucking watch. That's right. Poor Don Marrera. He hasn't been seen since, I heard. And you know the band. You love the band. Every single episode, guys, they commit to being different characters. I never

know what they're going to be or what they're going to do. Maybe they're mailmen or milkmen or fucking policemen. We had Kid Rock on an episode in Indiana a couple weeks ago before he hit the news. I never know what they're going to be. I'm excited to see what they are tonight. Make some noise for one of my favorite things in all of comedy. It's the best

damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Chroma Chris, and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Let's see what they are tonight. Whoa! Wow! No doubt about it. They are Diner Waitresses. I've never seen these characters before.

This is so exciting. I always love brand new characters on this show. We're here two years ago. Yeah, I remember these ladies. Oh, wow. And my goodness, what's your name, young Howard Stern? My name's Patricia Patricia, okay, I'm gonna write that down

Where did Where did Patricia find Pee Wee Herman shoes? That's a long That's a real thrift shop shopping For a bit, that's great My goodness, that's where that budget money is going Kill Tony Where did you find home loan wet bandit's gloves, huh?

Whoa, Patricia Fire's back Kill Tony Where did you find home alone wet bandits gloves Whoa Patricia fires back You want to come with me That's fucking sassy Some of these characters take it well But Patricia not taking If you roast her she comes right back at you She'll serve it and dish it out At the same time Alright don't take all my jokes honey

Oh okay I'm sorry I only had 15 seconds and dish it out at the same time. All right, don't take all my jokes, honey. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I only had 15 seconds to come up with that. You've had a week, so... I've had two years. And who's this young whippersnapper sitting next to you? He looks like Meg Ryan with a brain injury. Name's Barbara.

Barbara? Look at the tits on her, man. They're hanging. Just like Brian likes them. Wow. Okay, and back here, clearly we have the little girl from the movie The Exorcist again, two weeks in a row. Wow.

Name's Maria, Tony. Oh, Maria, I noticed you have the same voice as the drummer of the band. It's 2019. Oh, wow. Women can have whatever voice they want. My goodness. You chauvinist pig.

Oh, okay. All right. Just for the record, that's basically what John Leguizamo does. Before you go spend money for a theater. I love it. Well, we have diner waitresses. We have Big Jay Oakerson. We got Brian and his wacky soundboard.

And that brings me to this. It is the Bucket of Destiny, ladies and gentlemen. Before the show, probably over 100 comedians, maybe a few audience members that have never even done stand-up before. They're here. And why not make a 60 second set out of it, some people say. So they get 60 seconds.

If I pull your name out of the bucket, you know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. So don't go over your time because the bear's annoying. And then we interview you. We talk more with you about your life, maybe how stand-up's

going, what else you could be talking about as a comedian. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? I know you're used to that being good enough at wherever you go or whatever you do, but no one has more fun on a Monday than us. Are you guys ready to start this fucking show?

There we go. Into the bucket we go. Where it stops. Nobody knows. All right. This looks like a fun name to start off the show. Put your hands together for David Del Rosario. David Del Rosario.

David Del. Here he comes. here he comes. Here he comes. Are those our audience members? This could be David Del Rosario walking to the stage right now. Nope, it's three audience members. Good job, door guy. Way to seed people as soon as I say it.

Very good. Very strategic. Wave your arms or anything. I love it. Did everyone yell to the lobby? David Del Rosario. So when I pull a name, you got to yell to the lobby. New door guy.

They just hired a fucking 47 year old door guy here at the comedy store. I don't know if I trust him yet. They tell me he's hilarious, but I don't know. These guys come in. All right. This looks all right. Put your hands together for Bernie Mann. Bernie Mann. These guys come in at the... All right. This looks... All right. Yes. Put your hands together for Bernie Mann.

Bernie Mann. Bernie. That's Gino. I'm not seeing movement. See, we... Pre-bucket pulls. My goodness. We'll do that next time. How about Zach Hillman, everyone?

Zach Hillman. There he is. Here we go. We could probably just edit out those first two. Here he comes. Yes. Here we go. Your first comedian of the night, Zach Hillman.

How's it going? How the fuck is it going? Here we go. Your first comedian of the night, Zach Hillman. How's it going? How the fuck is it going? Man, anyone ever sneeze during sex? No? Anyone ever sneeze during sex, but like right into your sister's mouth? It's just me.

It's still just me. It's just me. Why's still just me. It's just me. Why are guys so afraid of periods? You know? I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Why are guys so afraid of periods? Guys love vaginas under any other circumstances. Am I right?

What else do guys like? Thank you, by the way. What else do guys like? Gory, by the way. What else do guys like? Gory action movies. A woman on her period should be the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of things that guys like. You got blood in my vagina. You got vagina in my blood. Hey. It's not a one-to-one comparison, you guys

I'm really sorry about that Really sorry about that Yeah, I'll just give it there Zach Hillman, ladies and gentlemen Zach Hillman Welcome to the show, Zach Thank you Is this your first time on?

Yes, my first time coming out here Oh, cool Where'd you come from? What part of Silver Lake? I live in Long Beach, actually. Oh, the Silver Lake of the South. Yeah. That's cool. Is that where you're from? No, I went to school there. I'm originally from Manhattan Beach, actually.

Oh, very cool. Have you ever sneezed during sex into your sister's mouth? No, but I have sneezed during sex, actually. Yeah, what happened? She got covered in my snot. Wow, so when you sneeze, you sneeze like... It was a big sneeze, yeah. It was an exceptional sneeze, yeah.

Dude, your arms are bananas hairy. Yeah, they really are. It's like Robin Williams- level hair here, yeah. I enjoyed your set. I'm not sure if it was for the right reasons across the board, but I did like your real genuine pause for crowd reaction on everything you said in the beginning. That was great. Anybody sneeze during sex?

I'll hang. You got to give them a second to think about it. You got to give them a second to think about it. No, I like it. Make them come to you, dude. You don't go to them. They come to you. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Just about two years now. Two years. What do you do for a living? I'm a contract administrator. What exactly type of contracts do you administer? For a a contract administrator. What exactly type of contract do you administer? For a construction company.

We're renovating LAX right now. Oh, interesting. That's been you guys keeping us all fucking trafficked up. We're fucking everything up around the airport. What are you building there? We're building a lot of parking structures, a lot of parking lots. We're doing some underground fucking tunnels and stuff.

Illuminati shit? Yeah, fuck yeah. Have you ever thought about your arm hair? Perhaps taking some scissors to it or something? I'm just curious. You're going to need a hand net for those arms if you work in the kitchen, honey. No, it never came up until tonight.

Really? You've never noticed it or thought about it? Well, I know I have hairy arms. I've never gotten any complaints about it. It's really sticking out, though. Were you holding balloons before you got on stage or something? It really does in the lighting, because you're probably not normally surrounded by lights, a panel of lights in front of you. It really glistens. There's panel of lights in front of you. It really glistens.

There's like an orb of hair around you. Yeah, dude. You got to take you down with a silver bullet. Yeah. Did you just come from a petting zoo of chimpanzees? Where'd you come from, huh? Yeah, you look like you just walked through the Temple of Doom. And that crawl space with all the spider webs.

Did you just roll around on a bob shop floor? What did you do? Yeah, what happened exactly? If my Mexican dad was here, he'd try to take a lawnmower to them. Maria's Mexican dad. So what else, Zach? What do you like to do for fun? I like record shops.

I like coffee. Anything pretentious, really. Wow. Those are such pretentious things, man. I know. I like coffee. Anything pretentious, really. Wow. Those are such pretentious things, man. I know. I know, right? I like shopping for wacky socks. Maybe some steampunk goggles.

Do you have wacky socks on right now, or are they just normal socks? No, no. I have hiking socks on. Sorry. Wait. The hitman's regular socks. But that's its own type of pretentious. Yeah, you hike. Yeah.

How old are you, Zach? I'm 33. 33 years old, and you were born on the beach. You're sort of a hip dude. You make contracts. What's something that you think is the coolest thing about you? Like if there's a special skill or talent that you have or something like that. Your love of Weezer?

Actually, my disgust at people who love Weezer because I'm so much better than them. Oh my god, you're so hip. I mean, you like the deep cuts, but not the radio stuff. Oh man. Fuck Pinkerton, fuck the Blue Album, I'll say it.

Thank you! Yeah, come on, that's what you have to go to unicycle school to, fuck the Blue Album. I'll save it. Thank you. Yeah, come on. That's what you have to go to unicycle school to, right? Yeah, exactly. I'm almost out of hipster jokes. I can identify any type of IPA. Maria is in the game.

So let me ask you this. I've had hip friends like you before, people that sort of hate everything that you like. You probably don't even like the new Tarantino movie for some reason. You have to rationalize why you don't like things. What do you think is the most likable thing about you? What would be something in which it's like, oh, I'd like to hang out with Zach and go do blank.

What's a cool thing? I put a lot of effort into my friendships. I mean, I try and keep people close. If you have to put a lot of effort into my friendships. I try and keep people close. If you have to put a lot of effort into your friendships, you're probably not a fun guy to hang out with. Have you thought about that? Guys, seriously, let's hang out. Let's work at a date.

Dude, I'm just jammed this week. No, come on. I'm trying hard. Let's see a movie, something. I'll buy the tickets. I don't know, dude. I want to. I'll do anything.

I'll walk to you. I'll piggyback you to the anything. I'll make dinner at your house. Oh, dude, I don't know. I'll make dinner at your house Ah dude I don't know I'll have a definite out A hard out 10pm

What time is it now man 7 7 Alright you worked for it Get over here So is that Is that about spot on All right. You worked for it. Get over here. So is that about spot on? Yeah.

Big Jay Oakerson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be doing that one-man show in Edinburgh Festival next year. It's called Lonely Zach. Is that about right, Zach? Is that the amount of effort? What's an example of something amazing you've done as a friend? As a friend?

Did you take a dying friend on a bucket list tour? Climb Mount Rushmore and shit? I don't know. I'll even sit through this Weezer concert with you, bro. You know what? You're such a good friend, dude. As much as I hate their fans, I'll do it for you. Something amazing I've done as a friend. You said that you work extra hard on friendships.

When I asked you anything likable about you, you decided, you chose, I work extra hard on friendships. Could have been any answer in the world. You could have said, you know how to throw a banana 200 yards. I would have been like, wow. I would have had no more questions other than did you do that professionally? I wish I would have said that now, yeah. I've never done anything out of the ordinary for a friend now that I'm thinking about it. Now you guys are pointing it out.

I'm like, am I a good friend? Did I do anything? No, you're not. You're not a good friend at all. I've just been cooking dinner at people's houses. Am I doing something wrong? That's sort of what started this whole thing. I guessed that you were bitter at

people's houses and I'm like, what's something likable? And you're like, I'm an extra good friend. And I'm like, what do you mean? And you're like, I got nothing. That's the order of events. What's the most money you've loaned? I never have any money to loan. I'm not that type of friend, man. Have you borrowed money?

That's a yes. The pause is a yes. We may find out you're a shitty friend, Zach. Oh, my God. Not only do you not work hard at friendships, you work hard at avoiding people you owe money to. Dude, I need to borrow 30 bucks. There's a new album out on sale.

The new remastered. They just released Pinkerton Deluxe Edition. All right, Zach. Well, here you are. You're a beach-born hipster, two years into comedy. I like the, it made me chuckle, the sneezing of the sister's mouth. Fun times. Thank you very much.

Welcome to the Comedy Store. This is a pretty fun night for your first time here. Thank you very much. Thanks for hosting me, guys. I loved it. Zach Hillman, everybody. Getting you very much. Welcome to the Comedy Store. This is a pretty fun night for your first time here. Thank you very much. Thanks for hosting me, guys. I loved it. Zach Hillman, everybody. Getting the party started. Welcome to the show, pal.

Zach Hillman. Hey, look at this guy. It's David Deary, everybody. Look at him running around. Look at him. Sneaking Maria fucking Coronas back there. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket.

Wow. A Kill Tony legend. This guy's been on the show numerous times. He even joined us at Kill Tony Mania. It's been a long time since he's been on. He is considered Kill Tony royalty. I present to you the one and only Mikey McKernan, everybody. Wow. This is

exciting. Here he comes. He's here often. Very rarely gets pulled. Mikey McKernan. You know him. You love him. Hey, one more time for that last comedian you're not going to follow on Instagram.

One clap. Did everybody have a good weekend? Okay. I had a good weekend. I was getting really drunk with some people. I don't understand why drunk people always ask the easiest questions to look up like they've never heard of Google.

It's because they're hanging out the wrong search bars. I don't like to drink a lot because I don't have a lot of money. Last time I got really drunk and I got the bill, it was more than I had in my bank account. Yeah, I woke up the next morning hungover draft. Boo. Ah. Ah.

My friends are like, hey, Mikey, you're out of order when you party. That's because I party out of order. Booze, pot, puke. Wow. Mikey McKernan. So unbelievably silly. That was ridiculous. Thank you.

I love it. Welcome back, Mikey. Good to see you guys. Good to see you. This is Big Jay's first time seeing you, right? Second time. Yeah, I was going to say, I've definitely seen him before. Oh, okay J's first time seeing you, right? Second time. Yeah, I was going to say, I've definitely seen him before. Oh, okay.

I remember the hmm, yeah, yeah. The boo-hahs. That's his trademark. Hell yeah. I'm a ginormous camper, man. I am so honored to perform for you again. Fuck yeah, dude. Crackle, crackle. I love it. So what do you think, pal? How's life been? It's been a while since you've been on the show. Welcome back.

Life's pretty good, thank you. Yeah, it's been pretty good. I'm fucking trying to do as much stand-up comedy as possible right now. Just trying to get out on the road as much. What else has changed in you? Are you still working at Bubba Gump? Absolutely. Wow.

That's incredible. He actually, if you're wondering, like, oh, that was a joke that missed. Nope, he works at Bubba Gump. Yeah. Can you give us a new fact that you haven't given us in the past about the movie Forrest Gump? Yeah, sure. Forrest Gump trivia. Wow.

There you go. It has to do with the square that Bubba, Forrest is sitting on the bench. And when the cars are driving by, they're both driving. It's okay. You know what? Forget it what forget it Oh man I was so locked in Okay go ahead go ahead The cars are driving and what Somebody's like is that correct And I was like no

That's incorrect that's a one way street And then you bring him shrimp Yeah Well yeah he does And then you bring him shrimp? Yeah. Hell yeah, he does. So, Mikey, what else has changed in your personal life or your offstage life other than just doing stand-up and working at Bubba Gump? There must be something, right? Any new habits or fun things?

I've actually been trying to skateboard again. Oh. Yeah. I didn't know that you ever stopped, Mikey. Growing up in Southern California, that's all there was to do. You were forced to jump down stairs. Right. It could be worse.

Some people born and raised in Southern California have only learned how to work extra hard on friendships. So it gets worse for people born and raised here. Too many introverts. Last handful, dude. Hell yeah. Well, Mikey, what else, man? There must be something. You still with the same girlfriend? No, I broke up with her.

I've been single for over a year now. Wow, look at that. You fucking rock and roll single motherfucker. You ever try to pick up a chick at Bubba Gump? You ever look for your own little Jenny? No, absolutely not. They're all tourists. Yeah, dude, but you can get a fucking weird

Texas tan turquoise jewelry. A bolo tie? Big fake tits with that fucking Jeremiah was a bullfrog mustache, dude. Yeah, that's like the older hippie ladies. They see the younger ones. Let's check in with Patricia over here. What do you think about Mikey?

Well, I'm just curious. Do you do a catchphrase when you're having sex with a woman? Like boobs, raw, dog? What do you do? Good question, Patricia. Somebody asked me that already. If I do that when I come and I say no, that would be very confusing for my dick when I'm on stage. Do you do that when you come? I love it. I love it. Do you Do you do that when you come?

I love it. Do you at least do that when you come? Do you fucking do the arch of the back and the head tilt? Only for the select few, which is nobody. You've been single for a year. Have you been dating at all? No, not at all. I won't go on the dating apps.

I've just been all about trying to do as much stand-up comedy as possible. You've got to live your life, too. It's true. I won't go on the dating apps. I've just been all about trying to do as much stand-up comedy as possible. Oh, I know, but you've got to live your life, too. It's true. I've been getting a lot of flack from friends. How long were you with your girlfriend for? Five years, three months, and nine days. Okay, Ted Bundy.

You broke up with her? Yeah, I dumped her. Oh, my God. I appreciate time. All right. My goodness. What's she most fucking... You know what? I appreciate time. All right. My goodness. What's she doing right now? Back under that bridge?

She used to do drugs, so... Yeah, something tells me. So, super single, no dates. Have you ever kissed... Have you kissed a girl since being single? Yeah. Oh, well, you just ruined that moment. Did you ever sneeze in your sister's mouth? No.

Has anyone from the movie Forrest Gump come into your place? Because it's at Universal. There could be a chance they're doing like... Yeah, I wasn't there, but I think Gary Sinise came in. Fuck yeah. No fucking way. Shut the fuck up. I wasn't there.

I didn't see it. I do not believe that for a fuck. That's what they tell people so that you keep working there. Yeah. Are there pictures? Gary Sinise came in. You never know. In a wheelchair.

Totally, bro. Yeah. Your benefits are going to kick in any day now. I do agree with that. I always know when you come into work, tonight could be the night that Sinise walks back through that door. What's the story? You know how the waiters probably tell each other the fable of when he came in. He just that door. What's the story? You know all the waiters probably

tell each other the fable of when he came in. He just stopped by, that's all. There's no story there, Brian. He didn't even eat? I don't think he ate. That's not a good commercial. It didn't fucking happen. Yeah, there's no story. Are you hiring any waitresses at...

No, tourist season's over unfortunately. Okay. Yeah. Halloween Horrible Nights is coming up. Oh, that's what you call it because you work there? Yeah. Oh, boy. That's creepy. A bunch of group of like 10 young adults.

Oh. Is that what you call Mexicans? I went to Halloween Horror Nights. Might be the shittiest thing I've ever been a part of. Really? What happened? Stupid. It's worthless. Yeah. It been a part of. Really? What happened? Stupid. It's worthless. Yeah. It's a bunch of mazes. It's like a bunch of high school, like a haunted house.

It's so bad. You probably look scarier than the people that are supposed to scare people. It's very possible. You know what's hilarious? In fairness to- It's like, boo you, motherfucker. In fairness to any Bonfire fans, Christine, my girlfriend's here. We went to Halloween Horror Nights in a major fight. So we were walking through haunted houses.

It was like The Shining. And Jack Nicholson with an axe would be like, and I'd be like, you fucking bitch. You don't know how to fucking act. $200 for these goddamn Speed Pass tickets. You goddamn ingrate motherfucker. You want to know what's funny? I swear to you, the only time we got along and smiled,

the fucking Jabberwocky show. I tell you what, those guys started dancing, and we were both into that. Oh, my God, that is so funny. So my point is, maybe it's fine. Yeah. Every time I go to Horror Nights, it's just a bunch of cholos who paid to get in, and then they talk about how nothing's scary.

Yeah. That wasn't even scary, fool. It did get cholo-y. I was about to punch that fool, man. He jumped out at me. I got to eavesdrop on those seven-minute escalators. Well, Mikey, fun times, dude. Thanks for always coming up.

I love the people that consistently come on and have fun. Mikey McKernan, legend. Kill Tony, icon. Tony, they're like, next time let's go to Knox Scary Farm, fool. Knox is better, fool. All right. This looks like a new name. Maybe I'm wrong.

Put your hands together for Michael Silver. Michael Silver. Here we go. Michael Silver. Here he comes. How about a hand for the band killing it tonight? Here he is, Michael Silver. Wow, big crowd. Shit.

So, found out today, my brother Christopher, he texted me. He was like, hey, I'm pretty sure our stepdad hits mom. I was like, fuck. What the shit? You know, I was furious. You know what I mean? Like, my mother. Some dude is hitting my mother without me.

You know what I mean? It's like, fuck. I got hit by a car earlier. It's all right. It was my mom. You could say we're even now I lost my dog a few months ago and it was awkward because I went to adopt a new one

and I found him there and I had to act like I didn't know him I was like... I was like, Lucky, shut up. This dog's cooler. Wow. There you go, Michael Silver. Heck yeah. I like what you did there.

You hid your best joke 49 seconds into your set. You really lowered the expectations and then fucking whambo. Most people open with a great joke. You just like to fucking, the old fucking mind eraser there at the end. The old fucking men in black stick.

Just like, I killed, that's all you remember. Ka-ching. I swear the first 49 seconds, I thought there was a chance he was going to pull his shirt open and have dynamite on his chest. You know, it's funny, I get that a lot. I bet you do. Look at you.

I don't even know what the fuck you are exactly. Like if a teenage mutant ninja turtle became a real human or something like that. I don't know how to describe it. Yeah, but you have a did-it-yourself tattoo on your finger, man. That's prison shit. It's like if a chia pet wished to be a boy. Patricia, you got it. So welcome, Michael.

Tell us about it. You've been doing stand-up what? A few months now. A few months. That's exactly what I was going to guess. What do you do for work? I sell dead fish. You sell dead fish? Sushi?

No. No. What do you sell dead fish to? Restaurants and prisons. Dead fish. So are you the... I shouldn't talk about your mother like that. So the fishermen drop off fish to you and then you sell fish.

Basically, we buy it wholesale and then distribute it out for a markup. Wow. Is the prison fish really bad quality? Oh, yeah. It's god-awful. How bad? Yeah. I mean...

Three eyes? It's basically like 75 cents a pound kind of bad. Wow. Honestly, fresh fish means something else in prison, too. I mean, it's frozen, so fuck it. Oh my goodness. Wow. How long you been selling fish for? About six years now.

Wow. How'd you get into that business? Family business. Yeah, of course. That's a job you only get from your family. My father sold fish, my grandfather sold fish, my great-great-grandfather sold fish. Dude, your house probably stunk like shit, right? Wait a second. You sell fish and your name is Michael Silver. Are you

the grandson of Long John Silver? I just did the math on this. Are you an heiress? I'm not supposed to talk about it, alright? Like, come on. Is that true? No. No, you're no relation to Long John Silver. Can't say. Can't say.

Can't say. Is anybody in your family perhaps a pirate or something like that? Not that I know of. They're from Siberia, though, so you never know. Oh, Siberia. One of the hardest levels on GoldenEye 007. Do you like fish? I like salmon.

That's about it. Just salmon? Just salmon. Everything else is gross at this point. Pretty much. Catfish. Catfish. Bass. It's about it. Just salmon. Just salmon. Everything else is gross at this point. Pretty much. Catfish. Catfish. Bass.

It's all right. Depends on the cricket. What are you like? You're close to the scene. You ever just take a bite out of one of those fucking fish heads? No, I can't say I do. No? No.

Pussy. I'm not about it like that. What's the craziest thing you've ever seen happen with another fish anybody ever get into a fight and just fucking fuck you dude well like one time the fish started

cause we it's supposed to be dead or it's supposed to have been dead for like three days and then we get it shipped over to us and then the fish started twitching

so I thought it was alive and I started freaking the fuck out so I was like what was it just a salmon no no but I mean you thought it was alive So I was like, ah, no. What was it? Just a salmon. No, no, but I mean, you thought it was alive because it was twitching.

It was not alive? No, it wasn't alive. They just twitch dead? They just do that. Yeah, they do that. That's evil. Yeah, it's mind tricks. I don't like it.

Fuck that. What are you going to do, like hug it to death after that? Just like hit it or just start doing it. Hit it? You hit it? Did you do that? Yeah, I was scared, man.

Like I didn't know if it was haunted. You were a twitchy salmon clubber? Yeah, that's what I would have thought. Fucking stigmata. I didn't know what to do, man. There's only so much. Grandpapa, what do I do? It's a haunted salmon.

No, I had a fucking razor blade. I was like, all right, let's cut this shit. Es spinetus, es sanctus, el sanctimonium. E pluribus unum. The salmon's just like, fuck you. You've killed all my friends. Damn, that's crazy. You've been selling my friends to prison, sluts. Demented salmon, no. Evil salmon, please.

Oh, my God. Michael, what else do you do when you're not slinging dead fish? I box over in Watts. You box over what? I box in Watts. Broadway boxing. Oh, okay. Is it a black neighborhood?

Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. You go there with your long white hair and just box motherfuckers? Oh, dude, it's not good. I basically just get beat up in there. Why do you do that? Have you ever thought about going to another neighborhood, beating up people that look like you? Why don't you go to fucking Koreatown and be a champ?

Well, they know martial arts there. They know karate. Just box in Koreatown. Just thud these motherfuckers. Just pretty much just run it up, go to a lower weight class, be like, what's up, let's do this. He stays in Watts so that he can answer their questions when he gets knocked out. They're like, do you know where you are right now? He's like, what?

Watts? Fucking. How long have you been getting beat up by black people? This is one of my favorite questions i've ever asked by the way i wish i could ask every white guy that honest question unfortunately it's the only way he can come now about since i was like 14 man you ever try to get revenge on one of the guys that beat you up and take a uh possessed salmon the... Yeah. Yo, fuck that shit! Oh, do black people believe in that shit a lot?

Oh, yeah. Better get that evil salmon out of my house! My cousin Daeshaun got possessed by an evil salmon. I hurt the stories. I hurt them. Oh, yes. A lot of people are going to say my black impression is racist, but I'm just going for funny. I thought it was grade A.

Nailed it. Nailed it. Wow. So, Michael, you get beat up by black people. You don't even have to give them your wallet afterwards. It's not just black people. I've got beat up by everyone. It's not racist in that way.

You ever win? Is there ever somebody that just comes in there looking like me, just gets his ass beat? It's kind of hard being a tough guy with long hair, you know? I've got to be like, yo. So cut it. Yeah, have you tried cutting it? I don't know.

My strength is in my hair. It's just like I've been growing it out too long now. It's like, might as well. What's your plan with it? You just going to go full fucking carrot top? What are we talking about here? Pretty much, yeah. I'm just like going to wait until it just all knots up.

I don't know what to do with it. You want to get beat up by black people with every version of that hair? Pig tails, French braid. Oh, yeah, no doubt. Let's run it. Heck, yeah. Do you like Layla buns you found? Well, Michael, you're a few months in.

You have a great joke. What the fuck was it about again? What was the last thing? Which one? About hitting my mom? No, the one that worked. You know the one. You know the fucking one.

It was about the last dog joke. Oh, yeah, the last dog. I got to say one thing, too. If you're writing comedy notes on your hand for one minute of comedy I got nervous man you're gonna have to memorize it man a minute I was nervous about the minute I didn't know which ones I wanted to go with

so I was like alright let's have options that last joke was killer yeah it was about whatever the fuck it was yeah the laughs went upstream on that joke yeah thank you I really appreciate that there he goes Michael Silver ladies and gentlemen what the fuck it was. Yeah. Yeah, the laughs went upstream on that joke. Yeah.

Thank you. I really appreciate that. There he goes. Michael Silver, ladies and gentlemen. Let's keep this fun train moving along here. He touched me. He fucking touched me.

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And we're back. Very exciting. Back to the bucket we go. You guys like it? How many of you like it when comedians do good on the show? How many of you like it when comedians do good on the show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. Oh my

God. Oh Jesus Christ. There's one really angry person right there. This guy just wants to watch someone kill themselves here tonight. This is an interesting name. I'm not going to say it right because your handwriting is not good, but I'm going to say Big Drunken Al Parenti. Something like that. I'm not going to say it right because your handwriting is not good, but I'm going to say Big Drunken Al Parenti.

Something like that. I mean, if your name is anything like that and you have bad handwriting. If you have quotes in the middle of your name. Big Drunken Al Parenti, perhaps Bar-enti. Big Al? You think that was the thing that made him go,

Oh, Bar-enti. That is me. Big Drunken Al? Ah, Parenti. Big Al. You think that was the thing that made him go, oh, Barenti. That is me. Big drunken Al. Parenti. No. Oh, that's him right there. Are you Al? What did you sign up as? It's your boy, young Al.

No. That's not it. What did you sign up as? Big Al Parenti. Did you really? Is that your name? I'm trying to be here. You're trying to be where? That's not how it works. What did you sign up as? Did you really? Is that your name? You're trying to be where?

That's not how it works. I'm sorry. Go back to your seat. You get credit for trying. I'm sorry. Hey, there you go. Go back to your seat. You're going to be banned from the show.

Yeah, just hurry up. Get back to your seat. Listen to daddy. Throw him out. No, do not throw him out. He's just trying. The poor guy's just trying to have fun. Looks like that comedian just went to go. Put your hands together for Zach Salinger, everybody.

Zach, be here. Come to the stage. Zach Salinger. Jesus. Don't you love me, baby? Is somebody yelling in the fucking lobby? New door guy? There's no one in the lobby?

Oh, okay, cool. Two Zachs. There's not people in the hallway either? We just ran out of space and just kicked people out that signed up? That's sad. How many of you think that they should add on more seats to the main room here at the Comedy Store? We have exceeded size. We're going to pitch that idea. We're going

to change the club that hasn't changed since the 30s. How about Sam Cutter, a.k.a. Da Bad Granddad? Is that Sam Cutter? There he is. Oh my goodness. I am excited about this. Here we fucking

go, baby! Sam Cutter, the bad granddad Good evening, my name's Sam Cutter I probably know your mother Things have changed Back in the day, me and my crew We be sippin' and we be ballin' These days we be trippin' and we be fallin'

Yeah, I sipped an awful lot of Henny. Now I start to faint if I sip any. I could stand here and roast and burn. Pretty soon I'll be overdone toast in an urn. When I'm doing my business, I'm all cash. Pretty soon, my business will be all ash. I ain't even trying to smash, because I know all I'll get is whiplash. Some people say if I speed up my rhymes

and add a beat, I could be a rapper. Call myself Slam Master Graham Papper. Or maybe 71 Savage. And if Red Band really cranked up the amps, you could call me Gangsta Gramps. My name's Sam Cutter. I probably know your grandmother. Wow, Sam Cutter. I like your fucking style, dude.

I like your style. I feel a good energy coming off of you. I feel like you've seen a lot in your fucking days. I want to hear your whole goddamn life story right now. Look at you. You're like Louis C.K. in old man makeup or something like that. You look like you've gotten away with a murder. I just got my driver's

license what you talk Wow so Sam tell us about your life how long you've been doing gay poetry no I'm kidding how long you've been doing stand-up or whatever that is what you slam poetry. About six months. Six months. Tony is bony, isn't he? That's right. I can do that too. This paper folds in your fucking olds, dude.

How about that? Oink, oink, zink, zink. So you're young. What's that about? Okay. Sam, stick with me here. Did you forget where you were already? Yeah, this turned into a fucking battle rap. Damn!

So, can I ask how old you are, Sam? None of your fucking business. Oh! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh! Oh, fuck, man. Wait, are you one of the dead salmon that stays alive after... Oh, shit. Oh. Oh, fuck, man.

Wait, are you one of the dead salmon that stays alive after? Oh, he caught homeboy a twitchy salmon. I got a girlfriend that's one hot salsa dish. She ain't no gefilte fish. Oh, oh, oh, my God. Anti-Semitic. I like it. That was overtly anti-Semitic. So, Sam, does everything you say, like, rhyme?

Do you answer any questions, like, honestly or anything like that? Or are you just, like, broken? He's the most well-put-together bridge troll I've ever seen. A well-put-together what? Never mind. Oh, I wanted to know. I wanted to know what you said. Bridge troll.

Bridge troll. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's full of riddles. Yeah wanted to know what you said. Bridgetroll. Bridgetroll. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's full of riddles. Yeah. And a few diddles. Whoa! Is there anything wrong with my dick? Wait till the ending of John Wick.

Oh, wow. Look at that. Patricia only took three minutes to think of that one. You're making Richard Dreyfuss angry, man. Two years. Two years she's been working on it. So, Sam, tell us about your life. A real answer here.

We love compelling stories. Not every answer has to be like, you know, Tonight Show levels of funny. Yeah, tell us about your life because we know you have a dead wife. No, yeah. Tell us anything about you, Sam. Anything interesting.

I designed the first net zero prefab manufactured HUD compliant home. Are you trying to fuck an Asian chick? I don't know what any of that means. Free internet service. You made a house using the 56k modem free

internet service net zero? No. I designed the house itself. Oh, of the owner of net zero? No. Design the house itself. Oh, of the owner of net zero. No. Uh-huh. The house generates as much electricity from solar and wind as the family who lives in it, so it's considered net zero. Oh, gotcha.

Very cool. We thought you were talking about internet. That's what you're into. You're into solar power and renewable energy. Well, after Charlie inherited the chocolate factory from Willie, I started learning about...

There he is. There he is. Oh, shit. You woke the beast, dude. The salmon's alive. I'm a hunted fish. I'll do fucking anything for a laugh. All right. So, Sam, wow, that's interesting.

You still into that field? Yes. Yeah, you're still into renewable energy. Is there anything promising happening on the forefront? Yes, there is. Yeah, like something that you could explain to us laymen? Yeah, we have a sponsor who's now going to help us build the prototype, and we're looking to sell it to FEMA as disaster relief housing.

Oh, that's very cool. My goodness. Wow. How about your love life? You said that you know our moms and our grandmas. You ever been married? 40 years. 40 years.

Is she still around? She is around and beautiful. Oh, I love that. And her first name's Cookie. Cookie. I fucking love it. And you're all about the nookie, I love that. And her first name's Cookie. Cookie. I fucking love it. And you're all about the nookie, so. Yeah.

And she produces her own television show. It's called It's Only Entertainment with Cookie Cutter. Wow, Cookie Cutter? Wait, your last name really is Cutter? Yes. And you married a woman named Cookie? Yes. Get the fuck out of here.

Shut up. Wow. Cookie? Yes. Get the fuck out of here. Shut up. Wow. How could you not rhyme everything you say if your wife's name is Cookie Cutter? It's hard not to. Look it, I found that doing comedy, there's

a set up and a punchline. That's right. Set up and a punchline. That's right. And I started doing that and I found it more challenging to rhyme the set up and the punchline. Right. That's right. And I started doing that, and I found it more challenging to rhyme the setup and the punchline. Right. That's it. Hell yeah. You hear that, comedians?

In comedy, there's a setup and there's a punchline. Yeah. I love it. Easy as butter. Cookie cutter. He's a fucking fly. You brought a fucking fly with you. I don't stutter.

I'm smooth as butter. Wow. Look at that. So, Sam. And if you keep rhyming, I'm going to be a cutter. Yeah. Sam, what do you like to do? I'd say there's a 30% chance his wife is a black woman.

Oh, is there a chance of that? She's Panamanian. Whoa. Heck yeah. Something ethnic. I knew it was ethnic. Panamanian. And look at that.

You found her little canal, didn't you? Put her right in that. You take your little fucking sailboat. She's not ketchup. She's salsa. Oh, my goodness. My God. Chunky.

She's a little bit thick. You did say she's around at one point. Yeah. She's 5'8 and very thin. I love how tall you think 5'8 is. I'm 5'8. She's 5'8. She's fucking.

She's a gargantuan 5'8. When she wears her platforms. Oh, hell yeah. And she's tall, thin, and gorgeous. Oh, my God. What's your favorite sexual maneuver to perform on her? You like, what do you do? You do the fucking...

The chocolate chip. That's where I bring a black guy over. He fucks her. His name's Chip. No chocolate chips in this cookie. More like oatmeal raisin. The Noriega. The Noriega, you jerk off while she just blasts

Metallica music at full volumes? This crowd doesn't read the news. Well, I am the Gramps of the FEMA camps. Okay. I fucked your grandma. What's your favorite sexual maneuver to do? You do anything special? None of your business.

Whoa! This guy knows how to fucking do an interview. I thought that was the name of the move. I can't wait until some young buck on next week's episode comes up here and just tries to do what Sam Cutter is able to get away with and he's like, none of your business.

And I'm like, get the fuck out of here. Banned. Only you can get away with that, Sam. Respect your elders. That's right. Absolutely. As a matter of fact, your mother killed it more than any of these chameleons. Oh, Jesus. Sam, I just

feel like you just told me that you fucked my mother and she threw it down, dude. I was here the night that she did her. Oh, you did. You were here on the five-year anniversary. How long have you been signing up for this show? I signed up a few times a year ago. Since he was 22 years old.

It all funneled down to this moment. No, I signed up about a year ago two or three times, and then I've been out of it since And just came back Tonight's my first night back I love it Well, look at you You're fucking living that good life

Hell yeah It's exciting Hell yeah There he is Sam Cutter, everybody How about that? I could go on and on But sign up again, Sam

Come back again, will you? There you go He's gonna come back Sign up again, Sam. Come back again, will you? There you go. He's going to come back, sign up again. I love that guy. I like his style. Once he stopped rhyming, he became pretty cool. Yeah.

What a cool thing he does, too. Somebody that's done so much, like those net zero houses, that's pretty badass that he comes to the comedy store. I love that. It's so fun, the eclectic group of people that we have, except for that one hip dude that was on first. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Shave your arms,

dude. We like all different shapes. You know what? Let's do something crazy. Let's go from Sam Cutter, a veteran of World War II? Life. Yes, exactly. One of the oldest people that's ever been on the show, Sam Cutter, and let's go to World War II? Life. Yes. Exactly. One of the oldest people that's ever been on the show, Sam Cutter.

And let's go to one of the youngest ever in the show's history. This guy is 21 years old. He's been on the show quite a few times. He won one of the elusive very few ever golden tickets in the show's history. He's from Phoenix, Arizona. He became a golden ticket winner when he was 20 years old. The next day, it just so happened to be his 21st birthday. The day after that, he was here

cashing in on his golden ticket. This is a very promising, rising talent. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Tristan Bowling, everyone. There he is. A golden ticket winner and defender. Come on, make some noise for Tristan, everyone. Yay!

Oh, man, I've been dating around and stuff like that, which is hard, because I look like Harry Potter fucked a daddy long-legged spider. That's not good. But I've been dating around and stuff like that, and I noticed one thing on Tinder. A lot of white girls think they're witches nowadays. I don't fucking get it, dude. I see on tinder a lot of white girls think they're witches nowadays i don't fucking get it dude i see like a lot of bios it's just like i'm a witch i do witchcraft you know it's like no you just own candles like there's a big difference like

if you say you're a witch i want to walk into your studio apartment and have there be a cauldron in the center of the foyer. Just like, don't mind the goat parts. Mama's trying to get a job. You know what I mean? They use like witch words too. I don't get it. It's like, oh, I used to manifest stuff.

Like, oh, I need a ride home. Trisha, just manifest it. What is manifesting outside of asking enough for other people to hear you? You know? If you're sitting there, you're just like, I need a ride home. And someone's like, yeah, I can help you out. You shouldn't be like, holy shit, I'm magic. Thank you guys.

Tristan Bowling, 21. Very fun. See, I like you because you're hip too. You're hip as fuck, right? But you're like young hip. I don't like it when there's like 38-year-olds that say they're 33 and then they say you're hip, too. You're hip as fuck, right? But you're, like, young hip. I don't like it when there's, like, 38-year-olds that say they're 33 and then they say they're hip, you know what I mean? That's the shit that sort of bugs me.

It's like that to catch a predator age, you know? It's like, on the sheet, you were 39. He's like, I'm 40, you know? So, Tristan, you're a real dude, 21. How's life been? Tell us about it. Catch us up. Ah, man, it's been so fun.

I've been living out in Arizona. It's like just getting unbearable. My grandma can't go check the mail. She'll die. That's true. They have like heat advisories for old people. It's just like, don't go hiking, bitch. You'll melt.

Is Sam still here? Is Sam Cutter still in the audience? Did he leave? He's dead. He passed away, everybody. I think he died here 15 years ago tonight. Can I say something? Somebody go chase down Sam Cutter for me. I want him for a second.

He's walking slowly to his Cadillac. As a fat guy, I'm completely entranced by the fact that you would tuck anything in the sweatpants. I'm telling you, these kids, that's the thing. When I first saw Tristan, I'm like, oh, I'm going to hate everything about this guy.

And then he's just won me over continuously since then. I feel like he can get away with anything. I literally asked him, what's cool? What should I be doing that's hip earlier? Yeah, I said he should get a face tattoo. Do you think Tony should get a face tattoo? That was his honest answer. I like that. I'm sorry.

I hate to be a crotchety 41-year-old dude, but no. Dude, don't get a face tattoo. Tristan wants one. I do want a face tattoo. Do you? Yeah, dude. Of what? Do you know that ass you used to draw in 7th grade? Like with a pointy on the bottom and the top?

I just want that like a nickel size right on the side of my dome. You want binder artwork on your face? I would love binder artwork on my face, dude. That would be so sick. The Metallica logo. Yeah, you do that. I'll get the fucking five-star logo right across my face. Don't you?

I will tell my mother, and she will cry for days. Yes. Last time his mother was here, and his mother actually went to me and was like, can you please help me out with this face tattoo thing? I had to act like a grown adult telling you to no. That was uncomfortable for me. How about this? Why don't we meet in the middle? Why don't you get

on like your... What's like the second coolest part of your body to get a tattoo for a kid your age? Neck! Will you eat this fly? It's on... Oh, it's on Big J. Oh no! My fly. Will you eat this fly? It's on. Oh, it's on Big J. Yeah, sure. Oh, no.

My spikes. Annoying fucking fly. Patricia, can you try to kill this fly? It's going to come back in a second. This has happened once before in Vancouver, Canada. We have a rogue fly. It may have been sent by a rival podcast. Perhaps it was the fighter in the kid.

They've been owning us. Perhaps Theo Vaughn sent one of his demon flies out here. Like, yo, fly boy, go get that hitter, hitter, gang, gang. There's another one. If anyone can talk to insects, it's Theo. For sure. I guarantee you he has a 20-minute bit about it. He's just like, crickets are weird, bro.

He's unbelievably funny. He's so great. crickets are weird, bro. He's unbelievably funny. He's so great. Dude, it must be so awesome to be thin. You could just dress like, who gives a fuck, man? You might get pussy dressed like that. That blows my fucking mind, man. Dude, I've done so much weirder, it's fucked up. Damn.

I'm so impressed. He's come here wearing like a full on raincoat with nothing underneath and he pulls in a mesh shirt. That guy come here wearing a full-on raincoat with nothing underneath. And he pulls it off. Mesh shirt. That guy's definitely got a big fat dick. 100%. 100% he does. Were we able to find Sam Cutter?

No. You know, Sam Cutter was up here. And he was sort of rhyming. And he was, you know. The late Sam Cutter. Yeah. He was throwing out a little bit of poetry. Anybody find Sam Cutter?

He's gone, gone? Sam Cutter, mate. Rest in peace. God bless that man. Oh, he can rhyme like a sumbitch. So why don't we do something fun? Why don't you ask Joel for a beat, and why don't you show these people how you can rap? We've seen this once before.

My mind is blown. That explains 100% of this confidence. Yeah, hit me with something. If you guys want to hear me do rap, I'm on Instagram. You can find my SoundCloud. It's babyboy. All right, all right.

Plug your shit afterwards. Eat my penis, Tony. All right. How many of you want to hear Tristan do a little rap for you, huh? All right, here we go. I'm a Rari, I go fast. Picture a Fisker, no-fo-pass.

Out the molly, smoking gas. Pull out the hammer, I'm curving my smash. I'm a Rari, it go fast. Picture you're a Fisker, no faux pass Out the molly, smoking gas Pull out the hammer, I'm curving my smash I'm a Rari, it go fast Bitch, you're a Fisker, no faux pass Out the molly, smoking gas Pull out the hammer, I'm curving my smash Roll up, oh my god, I'm this shit Flex and stuntin' on your bitch

Got a dog in the purse And I'm finna get your body If it knows if it's body Gonna touch my shit, ooh Heat on my hip, call an easy bake oven PD, the bitch has got no way in lovin' Post on the roads, we'll agree that she buggin' Pushin' my buttons, might wanna start something

Got a motherfucker in the middle of my sights Pull the trigger, watch if he can do that last sight Never seen none of the motherfuckers I like Sweet three, both of them overnight They say, wanna fight me? Wow. Wow. Tristan Bowling. The pronunciation was shoddy. Why would you waste your time with stand-up comedy? Who gives a shit about comedy? That's way more awesome than comedy for me. I started doing stand-up first. It's a lot of fun, man.

Yeah, but then just stop. I started doing stand-up first. It's a lot of fun, man. Yeah, but then just stop. It'll be here if rap falls apart, but that was awesome. Thank you, man. Thank you. I put a lot of time into it. I just put out my first stuff actually by meeting someone through Kill Tony.

Oh, yeah. That's what we do. The Ludwig sponsorship. They have Menchie Music. Eddie Ball. Eddie Ball guitar strings. Don't forget about the Tom... Ernie Ball. Ernie Ball guitar strings. Don't forget about the 10% thing. Yeah, it's called the Kill Tony Bump.

Yeah, it's that cool shit. And people like you that start... How old were you when you started stand-up? I was 16. 16 years old. You're 21 now. He performed at the Comedy Store a day after he turned 21 years old. I mean, this is a kid that fucking puts in the work

and that you're going to know about forever, and you're going to say, I saw him here tonight on Keltoni. Thanks. It's the start of something great. It is Tristan Bowling. Anything else for Tristan, guys? Any other last thoughts or anything?

We're going to let the kid go? I look forward to seeing what he does, man. Yeah. What a weirdo. Yeah, I love it. You have to drive back to Phoenix now, huh? Oh, yeah, tomorrow. I'm really not looking forward to it. You have to drive back to Phoenix now, huh? Oh, yeah, tomorrow. I'm really not looking forward to it.

What's your living situation while you're in town? I'm staying at my uncle's studio apartment above his garage. So, like, it's pretty cool. I got my own place. So it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's cool. It's that fancy shit. He's got that corporate money, you know?

Wow, really? What does he do? He does the rigging for, like, the Tonys and the Emmys. And What does he do? He does the rigging for the Tonys and the Emmys and my aunt is like... He does the rigging? Yeah, like the lights, the stage, all that fun stuff. So what do you call that job? What is he? I don't know, like expensive tech? No, you know

what the word is. A person that does rigging, what would we call that person? Oh, I'm not going to do that on here. You can say the word. It's just a normal word. It's a job. It's a respectable job. I'll let you decide which hard R you want to use, though. It could be the beginning or the end.

All right. You just got to say dirty before you say it. Put your hands together for Tristan Bowling, everyone. There he goes. Tristan Bowling. All right. Back to the bucket we go. Where it stops again.

Really? Only I know. Riga would have been the right answer. Yeah. Yeah. All right. We've seen this comedian before, I do believe. Make some noise for Sam Brillhart.

Sam Brillhart. Sam Brillhart. To Sam's... From the back corner, but he's... Oh, here he comes. Here comes Sam Brillhart. Wish that you would step back from that little ledge, my friend. I wish that you would...

One more time for Sam, everybody. So I got my car repoed a couple days ago and uh I didn't know that if you don't make payments on a car they sort of like tow it to a place out in Arcadia uh so I can't get a job in cars anymore so um I thought maybe I'd have better luck with cars this time around but I should have realized since I was 19 that I wouldn't have that good a luck with cars because when I was 19 I tried to to change my own oil. And when you try to change your own oil, like you unscrew the cap, right? And you let the sort of oil run out into the street. And then I popped open the hood and I was like, oh yeah, I'll just pick a hole to put this oil into. And I accidentally put it in the radiator fluid. So I drive the car to like, I could take my roommate

to, um, I took my roommate to class, right? And the car seized up. So I had to call, I had to call my, I had two phone calls, right? I wasn't going to call my dad cause he would have been pissed that I messed up my 16th birthday present. So I called my cheating ex-girlfriend who had triple A and the tow truck driver ended up showing up and it was the guy that she cheated on me with.

So I had to I got shit from both of them all the way to the thing. All the way to the thing. Oh my god, Sam. What the fuck was that, dude? Holy shit. I don't want to

come down on you because clearly you had to walk here through a shallow tide. I'm sure your feet are uncomfortable and squishing around in your new balances. But I don't know what you said, man. Yeah, it's crazy. I don't know.

You sound different since the other times that you've been on this show, right? A little bit different. You feel you've turned into a Jewish mother of some kind. I don't know what happened. I put the fluid into the carburetor. Tony, I've never been on the show. Everyone was going crazy.

There was a fucking demented salmon on the ground. I don't know what to do. What happened to you? I've never been on the show, so it was probably just... Really? Yeah. Oh, wow.

So you always talk like that? No, not always. I don't know what came out. You don't know what you said, man? Oh, no, I know what I said, but I don't know what came out. Oh. Wow, okay. You're know what came out. Wow.

Okay. You're a wacky one. I like it. It just takes some time for me to make my adjustments here. Recalibrating my sensors for you, Sam. How long have you been doing comedy? Stand-up, like four years.

What else? Other kind of comedy? Improv, acting. Okay, yeah. You ever do any acting that we might recognize you from or anything like that? Any, like, double-dare appearances or anything? No, no double-dare. Probably nothing you would recognize, just a YouTube channel. Oh, okay.

Cool. And then stand-up, four years. What part of town do you live in? I just moved to Koreatown. Right. How do you like it over there? It's a totally different world. Then what?

What are you used to? No, it's so fun. No, before that I was living in Franklin Village, and then I was staying on a couch in Van Nuys at the beginning of the year. Couch in Van Nuys at the beginning of the year. So you've been couching it. Now you have your own place in Koreatown. Yeah, I got a job with ride-sharing with Uber.

So I had a ride-sharing job until I got my car repoed. Oh, so your car is repoed. Why did it get repoed? I thought I was paying them, but they weren't taking my money. So I thought I could get away with it for a couple of weeks, but then they showed up at a crystal shop that I was taking a workshop at and told my car. I got 100 questions off that one sentence. Yeah, it's crazy.

You were at a crystal workshop. Yeah. Crystal workshop. Every time he said another part of that sentence, there's a whole conversation about that part It was a crystal store The workshop was for EFT Emotional freedom technique

That's where you like tap on your head To like relief Stored emotions in your body Have you heard about this yet Tony I mean Order up big pussy What else are you into Have you heard about this yet, Tony? I mean... Order up, big pussy! What else are you into?

If you're into crystal tapping, tell us the things that we'd also find very different about you. Because if you're that far in, I'm guessing there's other things. Yeah, I'm also into reiki and yoga. It's pronounced re-gay. It's a little frantic. How long have you been doing yoga for?

Since I went to college, it was part of the Bachelor of Fine Arts program that I went to. Long time. It's been a long time. Yeah. Do you know how to do any special poses that would, like, blow our minds or anything like that? Like, are you good? Do you have anything that you could show us that would blow this audience's mind away? I'm getting really good at frog pose.

Can you show us what that looks like? Yeah, sure. It looks like this. This took a long time. Oh, wait. Did you learn that in Koreatown? You saw an Asian guy smoking a cigarette? Come on, dude.

That can't be the most. I'm fat, and I can do that for 43 minutes. Yeah. I hate to break it to you, honey, but that's called reverse cowgirl. Wow. Sam, do you meet a lot of, you do it all for the pussy, the crystal thing, and the yoga and all that? No, I decided not to. It's a conflict of interest to me.

So I do it for the relief of anxiety. Wow, yeah. You ever tried Xanax? Which is obviously not working for my frantic stance. No, I think that you're just fine. So you don't ever get laid after doing these things or during them or whatever? It seems like you seem like the kind of guy that would. No, not after that, but I did take a tantric sex workshop

and then had sex with a bartender in the front seat of her car while her huggies pounded the back seat. Wait, what? You fucked a child? Yeah, that's what it said. No. So, okay, let's check in with Patricia. Yeah, I'm starting to wonder if the reason

why your car got repossessed is because you're taking all these workshops. What's going on? A crystal workshop? A tantric workshop? Okay. So let's get back to the middle of the story that you were at. What happened with you in the bartender? Okay, Patricia.

So like on meetup.com you can go and sign up for a tantric sex workshop. Sure. And you can learn like... We got that. I know what the fuck that is. Okay. I'm talking about what... Who'd you...

Other than the bartender. Like how did you fuck the bartender in this front seat of a car? We got it. You got a load in the chamber, Sting. We get it. So afterwards, I didn't go with a partner, but I decided to go down the street to a bar to have a drink. And the bartender asked me what I did,

and I told her honestly where I came from. And she couldn't go home because her and her husband were going through a divorce. So she had to stay out until like 4 in the morning until he went to work. So we went to another bar, and then she took me in her van on a side street and we had sex in the front seat. Did you cum a ton?

Not a ton, just enough to fill up the condom. Why don't you pull it off, dude? Observe your work, Tantra. Wait, she had a van and you fucked in the front seat? How stupid are you? It's a fucking van.

That's a great point. Answer, how dumb are you? He needs a steering wheel on his back. They don't teach you that in the UCB. Oh, boy. So why was it the front of the van if there was a van? I don't know. It was a dealer's choice.

I didn't want to go. Yeah. Didn't want to go land on the seats. Right. Did you use any of the tantric poses that you had just learned? No, they really didn't teach us any poses. It was just sort of a three-way massage with me and two other people. Wow. So you didn't learn any poses?

It sounds like your yoga classes to me. Did you get lured into some gay shit? Maybe. So, yes. All right. That was so honest. Yeah. Hindsight's 20-20, you know?

Yeah. So you were making money from Ubering, and your car is now repoed, so what is the plan? I'm just waiting for a background check to go through, and then I'll probably start driving Lyft. Or I have a bicycle, so maybe I'll start being a bike delivery driver. Right.

So how are you going to use Lyft if you don't have a car? They have great car rental things that you can, you know, like Lyft ride share riders, Hyper car, get around, the wave. There's plenty of ways to get a car in the city without having one. Surprise, surprise. The guy with the neck tattoo is nodding while he's talking about changing laws. For sure. Well, Sam, I can't believe you haven't been on the show before.

You have such a familiar face to me. Welcome, welcome. Congratulations. You're a funny spirit, a funny soul, and I'm going to be looking for an update on this whole car repo lift driver story. All right, cool, man. Thank you so much. There you go, Sam Brailheart, everyone.

Sam's first time on this show, but it's not this next guy's first time on this show because he's the regular on this show. Every single week he writes and performs a brand new minute. He is so fun, so silly. He has a different style than everybody else, sort of just lies the entire time. A master improviser, I would say.

And very fun. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of my favorite comedians. Put your hands together for William Montgomery, everyone. Here he is, live. In the flesh. Lights out. William Montgomery.

Here he is, everyone. I smoked a little weed earlier, and right afterwards I was like, no thanks. What is this? K2 Spice? Where are we? The Philippines? I don't get it. Why are people looking Asian

yet they're talking in a Spanish accent? If I end up having a daughter I want her to get involved in beauty pageants. I feel like the best age group for that is three to five. That's where you can really sort of put on the makeup how you like. You can really dress them up how you like.

They don't ask if it's Pantene Pro-V you're putting in their hair, even though it's white rain coconut. Those internal clocks can be... William, you have something else you want to say? I do. I wrote a... Have y'all ever seen a nine-year-old cry? That's an impression of my cousin Richard Whooping Cough when he told us boys he actually has whooping cough.

And he actually gave my daughter whooping cough, so now she's not in the pageants anymore. That's a callback. William Montgomery, everybody. Here he is. This is it. Big J.

That was a weird pause at the end. I thought for a second you realized that you were here performing in your boxers. Yeah. Really is definitely wearing underwear that has Seamstack pockets in it. Underwear with pockets. I got these in Justin Florida. You just went, Christ, am I not wearing pants? It's literally the only thing I wrote down during that set is the word underwear.

I didn't want to forget to acknowledge the fact that you are wearing underwear. We've seen neck braces. We've seen unicorn horns. We've seen a lot of different things from you. But underwear, this is a first. Why are you in your underwear? I wear these at the strip club down in Destin, Florida. Weirdly enough, my name is Unicorn Horns.

Down in Destin, I sell a bunch of people Advils. I act like they're... You sell Advils on just the black market? I do. Literally Craigslist. What are your thoughts about Advil being available over the counter? It scares me. It gives people kidney problems. I had a close relative, Pat, second cousin.

She died of complications with her liver due to Advil. What was she taking Advil for in the first place? She had something wrong with her teeth. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, there's a thing, I don't know if y'all have ever heard of, this thing called cavities. It's if you don't brush your teeth.

Yeah, we've heard of that before for sure. That's a very common thing. She had cavities. I just want to give it up for my really good friend, Ralph Martinez in the Advocare jersey. Can you raise up your hand, please? Oh, he's giving it. Oh, wow.

Ralph is visiting us right now from the Philippines. Ralph, how are you? Wow, you actually know that guy. You've done this before with a human that you didn't know at all. You told him to stand up and take a bow, and you just kept yelling at him until he did. Is that true? You're actually Ralph Martinez from the Philippines? I've never heard of a Martinez from the Philippines

before. Ask Ralph how old he is. Ralph, how old are you? 35. Wow. Is that bizarre? Why is that so funny to you, William? Just because we used to work. It's a bit we've been working on.

I understood a lot of people wouldn't get it, but Ralph, that was really good. We've literally been working on that shit for three years. We were in New Mexico for two of those years. We slept in the same bed together. Oh, wow. Did you guys ever snug or anything like that? Snuggle up anything like that?

Snuggle up with one another? Well, I was trying to before I heard him talk in his sleep, and he was talking about my relative Pat. What was he saying? Just get that bitch out of this hotel room. I'm sick of her being here. And I was just like, Ralph Martinez, I get it. We have a really strong connection. But she got here

from Memphis, Tennessee. It's a long drive. She's not going to be able to get back. And Ralph started poisoning her. Oh, really? Maybe that's how she got the cavities that eventually killed her. Have you ever thought about that? That's what I think. Hold on, Ralph. How old are you again?

35. I don't understand. I don't really get it, William. Let me ask this. How long have you and Ralph been working on this bit? We have been doing this shit, what, 20 years? How old are you again, Ralph? Can I tell you something?

I bet my guess is, how old are you again, Ralph? Can I tell you something? I bet, my guess is, how old are you again, William? I am 42 on a good day. Wait a second. I play a lot of Monopoly. I didn't want to bring this up again. If I am playing Monopoly and someone lands on Ventnor Avenue before I do,

I get enraged. Yeah, what does that sound like just hold on ralph why the fuck are you playing vintner avenue you know that's my space we've been in this hotel room for five months we become really good friends and you're building a house on vid why were why why were you and ralph in a hotel for five months together? It is a long story. We met on AOL. We decided to start talking.

He decided to show me the Ouija board. I decided I enjoyed... On AOL? He showed you at... When we met up, he was like, hey, William, play the Ouija board. I was like, I believe in Jesus Christ. he was like hey william played the ouija board i was like i believe in jesus christ he was like i don't care we can speak to spirits on this and i think that's where we discovered that joke of hey hold on how old are you 35 so like you guys you guys

are playing the ouija board and my guess is that the little piece went over the number three and the number five, and then you did that bit for 20 years? And then I say, I carumba, you have to stop doing that. We're not in Juarez anymore. Juarez, that's in Mexico, not the Philippines, where Martinez's are usually from. I'll be very honest. It was very nice to see you out in the crowd tonight.

I felt lost. I have been really deep on some experimental drugs, hallucinogens. I've been walking the streets. But when I saw you tonight, it sort of gave me some more confidence. I'll be honest. My stomach hurts right now. I don't know if it's because of all the Advil. I don't know, it sort of gave me some more confidence. I'll be honest, my stomach hurts right now. I don't know if it's because of all the Advil. I don't know if it's because of...

How many Advil did you take today? If I'm going to be honest, I would say five or six. Why are you taking Advil? I have been having these horrible headaches. Okie dokie. There you go. If you're wondering how long it can last, it's that long. Anything else for William, guys?

He's in his underwear. I'm impressed. I don't know. I have no idea what just happened the past five minutes. Yeah, it's all a lie. I do know that that guy is 35. It's all a chance for us to sit back and remember how great pot in Los Angeles is. Yeah.

There he is. Forget your pants good. I'm horribly on edge right now. I worry about my father, Larry Montgomery, watching this episode tonight, texting me in the morning being like, William, Mom and I loved it. Other than you being far too high, we didn't get the joke. Hold on.

How old are you again? Oh, my goodness. 35, bitch. For those of you just listening, or maybe you can't see on the camera, on that one, the guy actually shook his head no. He refused to answer. 20 years, he finally just retired the bed. It's over. Live. In the comedy store of all

places to work on. Yeah, I mean, I have a lot riding on this. And you start now fucking with me. You've said that. I was on Rescue 911. You were? Yeah, I was an ambulance driver. Early 90s, Philippines. I had a lot of cases with arrows,

people getting hit in the arm with arrows. Okie dokie. How about one more time, good and loud, for William Montgomery, everybody. There he is. What do you guys think? Should we go to the bucket one more time, huh? You know, I caught him last night doing a live video

with a guy named Felony352. You know on Instagram where you could join other people? It was just this gangbanger, and he was doing the exact same shit for like 20 minutes. There you go. Follow him on Instagram and watch him. Follow William Montgomery. What's William's Instagram?

William.f.montgomery1. William.f.montgomery1. For those of you that love handles that seem like the password, it's probably his password. You could just be William Montgomery right now on Instagram if you'd like. All right. This is interesting. I believe this is the first time I pulled this name out of the bucket. Catchy name. Put your hands together for Pink Fox. Pink Fox. Is Pink Fox here? I hope so. It's a very charismatic name. Everybody's looking down the hallway.

Aphrodite, do you know this lady? Oh. Oh. Goddamn. I was psyched for Pink Fox. We should bring up a woman now as the last comic. Want to do that? Have we not had a lady on tonight? Not one tonight.

No? All right. You guys think we should get a lady up here, huh? All right, so the first one I pull out will be the one. We know Streeter. We know Lionel. We know Austin. We know David.

Yeah, this is how it works. How about Cat Moore, Cat with a K? Is that a... Oh, that's a guy? Oh, okay, perfect. Okay, how about Vanessa Jha, ladies and gentlemen? Vanessa Jha. Did everybody...

Yeah, you know what happened tonight? It's a very interesting night because normally we consolidate... It's a packed house except for the people who signed up. We had so many audience members come that we ended up having to. How about Kim McVicker? Still here? There she is. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Here she comes. Your final comedian of the night, Kim McVicker. The woman that you had to see because you needed one. Oh.

Man, I learned a weird fact today. Did you know that only 3% of male birds have penises? This is a real thing that you can Google, and I'm not talking about a specific type of bird. All birds. Only 3% of male birds have penises. Yeah, but a million years ago, 100% of male birds had penises.

It's a real thing. What happened was the ladybirds didn't like having sex with the male birds. So over evolution, the male birds' penises just got smaller and smaller and smaller until they just disappeared.

So there's hope, ladies. There's hope. And let that be a lesson to you guys out here. If you don't start being better in bed, your species is going to lose their pee-pees. And if you already have a small one, you can thank your great-grandfather for being such a shitty lay.

That's evolution. Good God. Kim McVicker. Oh, I guess I don't need this one. Hey. How's it going? Great. You have a bad sex life?

Well, I am married. You are? How long have you been married for? Five years. Five years. How big is your husband's penis? Show us with your hands. Oh, no.

Yeah, do it. No, I won't. Do it. Show us where it hurts on your belly. You're not going to tell us? What? You're not going to tell us? No, I don't know. Oh, that's huge. Good for you. Are you exaggerating?

No, I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? Man, you hope to God. How long have you been married for? Two years. Yeah, okay. Give it a few more years and then she won't know. What the fuck are you talking about? It's going to happen. What do you think?

I fucking married someone. Who's married here? It's going to happen. If your chick describes your dick with open palms hands, that's a good sign. You never want it to be fingers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. When they give full palms, that implies girth.

That implies girth also. That's a good point. Yeah, yeah. It's really thick. That's a good point. Patricia, what's your love life like? You ever... Oh, I love big throbbers.

Wait, what? Oh, I love big throbbers. A big throbby, veiny one right inside me. I love those. Oh, my God. What's your... Can you show us with your hands what you... Wow.

It's good. Open palms. The kick is good. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. How about let's go right down the line. How about you, Barbara? I always just think, you know, more than a mouthful is a waste.

waist. That was Chroma Chris for those of you keeping stats tonight. That was great. Wow. And that brings me to Maria back here. Are you a live dead fish in the bedroom or what are we talking about here? I just like fat black

ones. Oh my goodness. Really? Is that true? Yeah, I like it to squeak. Oh, goodness. Really? Is that true? Yeah. I like it to squeak. Oh wait. When, when does it squeak when they put it in? Oh my God. Oh, there it is. Yeah. If it's not farting, we're going to be partying. Oh wow. Oh my God. A little bit of Sam Cutter rhyme for you. Uh, my goodness. Uh, so Kim, welcome, welcome. You're talking about birds barely having penises anymore. How'd you even find this out? I was listening to a podcast.

I want to say, what was it? I don't remember the name of it, but it was like a normal podcast. Okay, that was the answer. You answered it in the first few seconds. So that whole thing. That welcomed my husband's life where I give a really long answer for no reason. No, it's okay.

So it was a podcast, and that's interesting. How long have you been doing stand-up? A couple of years. I actually have a special out right now on Tubi, and then it's going to be on Amazon. It's called Brash Girls Club. It's all women. Everyone does 30 minutes.

I'm the first episode. Wow. Don't do that joke. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. everyone does 30 minutes I'm the first episode I don't do that joke yeah okay yeah so you have a special that's on what's it on now? Tubi TV and then it's going to be on Amazon next month oh boy oh okay

there's a fart for no reason could have been a queef I don't know how you have to deal with it you work with old red band over here trash can trash can okay so Kim tell us something fucking interesting to deal with and you work with old Red Band over here. Trash can. Trash can. Okay, so Kim, tell us something fucking interesting about your life. I had the best day today.

Today. You had the best day today? Yeah, today is the first. So I got my deviated septum fixed this week and today thanks. Today's the first day they took out the tubes and it's the first day I've ever been able to smell since like seventh grade.

Wow. In L.A., fucking smells. It's so crazy. What was it, Coke? Yeah, I'm like super high today, not on that, because I have never had this much oxygen to my brain. Now he's asking, how did you get it deviated? So many things.

I had a bicycle accident, and then my turbonite's from using too much Vicks Vaporub. And that led you to coke? Yeah, and then tons of, no. Is there a smell that you constantly keep smelling throughout the day? Today's the first day that I, yeah. I wonder if there's a smell that we all smell constantly that you smell. No, today I walked outside and I was like, oh, that's what grass smells like. I got to ask you just out of curiosity, because I would if I was in your situation.

Did you touch your vagina and smell your finger? Not yet. You're going to, huh? Maybe. Why would you wait until after a long night of performing and walking? Because I really want to know. No, get the pregame first so you have a control experiment. So tomorrow is for, you don't know what cycle I'm on yet.

That's fair. Because you want to know. That's fair. I love it. Yeah. Wow. So tell us, how do you and your, clearly you and your husband are struggling in the bedroom.

What does he do? What's your husband do? My husband's one of the creative producers for Facebook and Instagram. Same thing. Wow. Seems like a great guy. Yeah, he's great. Yeah.

We get along. What does he do exactly there in that position? So like when you, so like you'll watch like a YouTube or an Instagram or somebody who's like that kind of famous and they'll do like a thing and be like, oh, I'm at Facebook Live and that's him telling him

like, oh, point to that. This is my understanding. I've never been, I don't know. So he directs people to what people should be watching. He also does like

Kim Kardashian videos where they like put on makeup and stuff like that. No, we're not talking about that. So he decides what people see on Facebook or he just. He talks to somebody who has a good YouTube channel and then explains that their second season.

Like, oh, you were really funny when you fell on your dick. Let's make this make sense to other people. I hope he's better at doing his job than you are at explaining what he does. I'm terrible at explaining what he does. It might be Zuckerberg and she's just confused about what he does over at Facebook. I'm just getting sued what he does. It might be Zuckerberg, and she's just this confused about what he does over at Facebook. I'm just getting sued left and right. Okay. So that's fun.

Is there something crazy about you that we'd be surprised to know? Like something in your past history or an accomplishment that you once did? I mean, I have done the show before the last time you asked me that type of question, and this was a year ago. So I used to be like Diddy year ago. So I used to be a Diddy's backup dancer. I used to be the token white girl in every rap video for a long time. Oh, wow. That's right.

And you're not in rap videos anymore. No, I'm old and flappy. Aw. That's... Does it hurt to sit down still? It's called expired, honey. Yeah. You're expired. Wow.

But you used to be a professional dancer, honey. Yeah. You're expired. Wow. But you used to be a professional dancer, basically? Yeah. Wow. Did we ever have you give a... You made me tap dance once. It's terrible with the lights. Really? And then you can't back up dance on here

because it's just crawling and it's... You can't hip-hop dance up here? No. The fact that you used the word hip-hop dance in a sentence is basically... I'm 41. I don't know how it works. It's great.

It's great. You can't do rappy dancing? He's looking me up on... What? You can't do rappy dancing like the black fellas? I wish I could rap like that guy earlier and be like... No, I can't. I just do...

They're talking. What video were you in? I was with Puff Daddy for a while and I danced with their talking. What video were you in? I was with Puff Daddy for a while, and I danced with MC Hammer. I have danced for MC Hammer, who's taught me how to do the Running Man and Paula Abdul and things like that. MC Hammer? You've been dancing since 1987? I'm 36.

Wow. So MC Hammer taught you how to what? I have a video of him teaching me how to do the Running Man. What is the running man? It's this, you know, everyone knows what the running man is, right? Can you give us a little example of what exactly? It's what minorities do when the cops show up. No, that's, it would be.

All right. It's the running man with my satchel, yeah. My goodness. That's the 10th of all of MC Hammer's failures. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Yeah, that's where he went wrong with hiring me.

That's where he went. We took a left. He's got to pray just to make it a day. That's what happens. Did you know that white people are so bad at dancing that in 100 years from now,

only 3% of them are going to be able to dance. Ha, ha, ha, ha. That's a good fun fact, Patricia. There's the tag I need. Thank you. Heck yeah. All right.

Well, I feel like there's something we could have covered that we're missing here. I feel like there's something about you. I mean, I'm just thankful that you went through every woman and that you had to end on me. I'm so sorry. Why? Does your husband dance? Wait, you said what? No, my husband can't dance.

What? Oh, one more person. Yeah, that makes sense. One more female? I think we've had enough already. Yeah, it seems like it. Definitely seems like it. Yeah, they all learned about their penis.

Today's special, Brian Ripper. I'm very upset about it. I was kidding. It's okay. I'm messing with you. I mean, so there you okay. I'm messing with you. I mean, I'm... So, there you go. Okay. How about that?

Is there anything else compelling about your entire life that you could tell us about? My entire... Just breathing today is the best. I mean, I literally asked you, and you're like, well, a year ago when you asked me that, I said this. No, no. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

I love it. Did you bat Usher in 97? So, this whole week, I wasn't allowed to go out and walk around, which was... Wait. This whole weekend... When you get your nose done and all that, you're not allowed to exercise or do anything fun. Okay.

So I built the Stranger Things Lego set. That was the most exciting thing I did this week. And then I got a nosebleed while I was doing it at 11 and it felt really cool. Jesus. No wonder your husband's not fucking you. Yeah, it's fair. What a dork.

That bird dick idiot. Lego set. I love that. God. What a dork. That bird dick idiot. Lego set. I love that. So you have Legos? You buy Legos? I have every Lego from the first Lego movie in my house. I am a Lego fanatic. Brian's into chicks that are into Legos. He's a very

Jeffrey Epstein type of taste in women. You ever been to Myrtle Beach? You ever want to come to Myrtle Beach sometime? What the fuck? What do you know about Myrtle Beach? Good prices. You can get a good deal.

Okay. Boy, this is one of the most awkward endings to this show. Trying to put a ribbon on this fucking thing. Wait, I'm sorry. There she goes. Kim McVicar, everybody. Kim McVicar. You know what?

Before we blast that music, I want to say something. Last week, our friend who's been at basically, I mean, pretty much every single episode of this show, his name's Jared Moroz. And he has been coming to the show literally, I think, the first or second week he started coming. And he has always been dealing with some medical issues, a very serious illness. And he has moved back to Chicago to be with his family.

So he's no longer coming to the show. But I wanted to do it last week, but I didn't get a chance to, so I want to do it now and give a shout out to Jared Moroz, who is no longer coming to the show live, but is with us in spirit all the way from Chicago, probably watching this stream right now. We love him

and being a diehard Kill Tony fan, we love that. So thank you to Jared and hope that we get to see you back in LA real soon. So how about one more time for Jared Moroz, everybody? And how about good and loud for Big J

Oakerson, everyone! Yeah, buddy. I love you, Tony Hinchcliffe. Thank you so much for having me, man. This is the first time ever. A fun fact is that Big J is the first guest over our six-year history to be a guest on back-to-back

episodes. This is the beginning of Big J. Oakerson Appreciation Week. Hell yeah. If we lived in New York, that's how it would be. It'd just be fucking crazy. You would just have a fourth show that you would do. That's it. But we love you, Big J, and we'll see you next week with the rest of the cronies.

Thank you, brother. It's going to be a lot of fun. Make sure you catch Big J in Ontario tomorrow. The worst here at the Comedy Store. Comedy works this weekend. Legion of Skanks next Monday. Fort Worth, Omaha, Chicago, Jersey, Orlando, Connecticut, Nashville. Catch Legion of Skanks Bonfire in the SDR show and get tickets for his live shows at bigjcomedy.com.

How about one more time for the great Jeremiah Watkins? Patricia was really Jeremiah the entire time. He's on social media, Jeremiah's stand-up, Jeremiah Watkins on YouTube. He's got a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders. Who's your guest this week? It is a special roadcast edition with Joel Jimenez

and Pat Reagan. Oh, Joel and Pat joining you on the road. How about a hand for a bat at a thousand? Oh, yes, Jeremiah. Got a very exciting announcement coming soon. I got a new merch store opening up and some very exciting announcements next week that we'll be dropping. So there you go.

There's a leak. There's going to be an announcement next week. How about a hand for a bat at a thousand tonight? How about Chroma Chris over there, huh, Barbara? What did you think about tonight's episode? Careful with this one, Tony. It's still hot. Wow, there you go.

She's a waitress. And then back here you have the lovely Maria Joelberg Joel Jimenez, everyone. Wow. Mostly sorry on social media. Sponsored by Ludwig Drums. I love you guys. Peace. We love you, too.

Fun fact, Joelberg's coming to Australia with us in October. Tickets go on sale this Monday. Joelberg, Jeremiah, Red Band Me, we're all going to Australia. Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane. Pre-sale this Friday morning if you live in Australia. Thursday night if you're in America

for some reason. And Monday for the general public that's going to be on death squad dot TV Tony Hinchcliffe dot com so you can get them anywhere red bands headlining San Diego I'm headlining West Palm Beach in the beginning of September and to the live audience that comes every

Monday and that we know and we love we thank you guys so much because no one has more fun on a Monday than us how about one more time for red band everybody love you guys so much because no one has more fun on a Monday than us. How about one more time for Red Band, everybody? Love you guys. Good night, everybody. Happy job.ご視聴ありがとうございました you