KILL TONY - KILL TONY #387

Episode Date: August 23, 2019

Big Jay Oakerson, Luis J Gomez, Shane Gillis, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 08/19/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website deathsquad.tv for every past episode. of Canada. we're going to be in Dallas. October 16th and 17th we'll be in Sacramento. October 18th and 19th is Killmania 2 in San Francisco. October 25th we're going to be in Australia in Bisbane. October 26th we're going to be in Melbourne, Australia. October 27th we're going to be in Sydney, Australia. And November 7th we'll be in Washington, D.C. Click on tour dates at DeathSquad.TV for all the ticket links and more information. Go to Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own tour dates. He's got some merch. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony.

Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the book. He drew posters. You can go to Ryanyanjebelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. There you can find everything in the Death Squad universe, including T-shirts, hats, mugs. Go to shopsquad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hatchclap. Guys, it's Monday night. You have to make more noise than that. We're doing this shit. Brian Redman is here. Brian J. E. Belt already drawing tonight's episode. This is incredible.

We are live streaming around the world for people that maybe live in West Palm Beach. I'm going to be doing stand-up there the first weekend of October. And no, September. That's next month. And then in October, we do Kill Tony Mania in Sacramento and San Francisco. Barely any tickets left for that. And today is the day

that tickets went on sale for Australia. October 25th in Brisbane, the 26th in Melbourne, and the 27th in Sydney. We're doing big venues in Australia. So come see us there live for the first time ever. But tonight's about tonight, right guys? We're here at the Comedy Store for the number one live podcast in the world. Red

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honey.com slash tony that's join honey.com slash tony honey the smart shopping assistant that saves you time and money when you're shopping online heck yes and we are back live here at the comedy store tonight's guests i mean what can i say This is three of the funniest people on the planet. You guys know what the fuck is up. These are the Legion of Skanks, Big J. Ockelson, Luis J. Gomez, and Shane Gillis, everybody. Wow.

Wow. There he comes. They came out and then went back in. Shane Gillis is here for the first time ever. This is Shane's first time on Kill Tony. We've wanted to get him forever. And finally, it has happened. Welcome to the show, Shane.

Say hi to these people. What's up? Shane's going to be in Harrisburg, D.C., Austin, Texas, Indianapolis, Minneapolis, and Raleigh. ShaneMGillis.com for tickets. And this is your first time on Kill Tony. Look at these people. Monday Night Animals. You excited to be here?

Yeah, man. It's got two Miller Lights. This party's ready to go. Ladies and gentlemen, how about Louis J. Gomez and Big J. Oakerson, everyone? Yeah, baby. Wow. I love it. Here we are.

It's been all the way since the great skank fest, since we've had Louis J. on. Big J. This is we're rounding out our first ever guest appreciation week. This is his second week in a row. Welcome back Big J Oakerson.

Louis J throwing joints out in the audience. Stirring shit up. He's excited to be in a place where pot's legal and you can do things like that. I'm like out there on the New York side of things. How's it going, Louis J? I'm very excited to be here. You guys know that I hate most people from LA, but we're going to get through this. Heck yeah. I love that. You guys have martinis? Yeah.

We've gotten very classy since we went to LA. I like that. Look at all those olives, dude. That must be someone important. I love that. How do you guys take your martini? Dirty? Extra dirty. Yeah? Actually, you know, there's three types of martini. There's regular, there's dirty, and then there's Puerto Rican.

Ah. It's the dirtiest. It's when it's just a filthy martini. Oh, man. Well, then this drink is in a fucking inner tube heading towards fucking Florida. Because this thing is stank-ass dirty. Puerto Rico is a fucking American property. We don't need to come to this country on inner tubes.

And yet you still do. It's like a love of the game. It's just like in you, you know what I mean? Luis J. Gomez has Louis J. Gomez Presents. Louis J. Gomez available everywhere. Go to BigJComedy.com for tickets to see him in Fort Worth, Omaha, Chicago, New Jersey, Connecticut, Calgary. All that at BigJComedy.com. So we have our guests for tonight, which brings us to the band, ladies and gentlemen.

Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. I never know what they're going to be. They have a separate green room in the back. Maybe it's a return of some of their famous characters. Maybe it is a brand new character that we've never seen before. It's one of my favorite things in all of comedy. I love these guys.

Make some noise for the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Chroma Chris, and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Maya Watkins, Chroma Chris, and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Oh! Wait, is that Clinton and Hillary? Wow! Oh, my God.

What is happening? This is incredible. Holy shit. It's Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Jeff Epstein, and I'm not exactly sure. Get the fuck out of here. What did he say to you? Oh, we're going to find out in a second. This is incredible.

Bill Clinton for the first time ever on the show. This is incredible. Welcome, Bill Clinton. I'm a huge fan of yours. Yeah, me too. Hell yeah, dude. I love this. And clearly that is Hillary Clinton there next to you. How's it going, Hillary? Oh, Tony, I'm so glad you asked that question. I think everybody here wants to know the answer to that question. And I just just gotta say it's such an honor to be the first lady here of the Kill Tony band

Hell yeah, there you go, heck yeah This is why I usually do the talking Yeah, Bill Guy who knows how to get the W And Jeffrey Epstein is here Wow, this is incredible I mean, of all the... That's mind-blowing.

How are you, Jeffrey Epstein? Good. I was just here, Tony. Just, you could say, hanging out. Hey, one for one. That's Chroma Chris. We only took a couple flights together. No biggie, okay? Wow. Bill Hillary, Jeffrey Epstein.

And clearly we have what appears to be, what is this, Louis J. Gomez's dead dad? I'm sorry, Louis. My name's Nicholas Tartaglione. I was Jeffrey Epstein's cellmate. I just want to say I'm sad he's dead because I used to rape the shit out of that guy. Wow.

Nicholas Tartaglione. Welcome guy. Nicholas Tartaglione. Welcome to the... Tartaglione. Tartaglione. Okay. It's just sad he's gone. He had so much good butt pussy to give me. And now he's dead.

So now you're in the cell all by yourself? Yeah, just jerking off, thinking about that ass. Wow. All right. Were you there when Jeffrey Epstein hung himself? I wish I was. I would have fucking fucked his dead body. All right, all right. Wow, really?

I'm a criminal. Seems like you really only have one thing about you, really, Nick. They don't offer improv classes in that prison. And even if they did, I wouldn't have taken them. Okay. Because improv is for fucking. Isn't that Bill? Oh, my goodness.

This is so cool. Bill Clinton with his classic saxophone. We got the whole fucking New York crew up here, which brings us to this. It's the Bucket of Destiny, everybody. A bunch of people signed up for the chance brings us to this. It's the Bucket of Destiny, everybody. A bunch of people signed up for the chance to get on this stage tonight. Do 60 seconds of stand-up and get interviewed by me and my illustrious panel of pals here. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. You guys ready to start this show or what? Let's jump right into it, shall we? I'm going to pull a name out of this bad fucking bucket. And the show will begin. I don't think we've ever had this many people on stage for an episode before. This is so exciting. What an amazing crew.

All right. Your first comedian getting uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Brendan Crick. Brendan Crick. Hell yeah. Deep back corner. Brendan Crick. Here he comes. Wow. Wow.

Damn. Here he is. One more time for Brendan Crick, everybody. Thank you. You ever think about how 9-11 was so long ago it's not even in HD? Like you watch 9-11 now, you're like, what is this, a VHS tape? It's got like the lines going up. I'm waiting for like the Blue Master to drop, the Blu-ray remaster.

Like 9-11 was a weird amount of time ago, right? Like it was a long time ago, but also everyone almost had smartphones. Like, we so narrowly missed a Snapchat 9-11. You know, just like a guy on the planes posting to his story, oh my god, they have box cutters, they took the cabin. To my darling wife and my children, I'm gonna miss you so much, but he has dog ears. my darling wife and my children, I'm going to miss you so much,

but he has dog ears. Just a guy with the boomerang making the towers go like, whoop, whoop, whoop. Just fall, oh, thank you. Hell yeah, Brendan Crick. Fun times. Welcome back. Thank you.

You've been on this show before, right? Yeah, twice before. I think I remember telling you that you seem like the kind of guy that sleeps with your glasses on. Could have been. Yeah. Look at you. You are adorable. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Like eight years. Eight years. Heck yeah. You looked at... Yeah, he and I started together in Central PA. Yeah. Wow. are adorable. How long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years. Heck yeah. He and I started together in Central PA. He's from Lancaster. Damn, this must be awkward as shit there.

You're like judging him? He probably hooked you up with a show once. Ooh, this is weird. I wanted this to go well. It did go well. I wanted this to go well. I feel good about it. Remember that bit you had about the troop? He had one bit in

Central PA. It's very hick, white trash. He was like, I liked 9-11 because it resulted in the death of so many troops. He bombed constantly. In Central PA constantly I loved that How long have you lived in LA? Like two years

A little bit A year and a half Remind us How do you make money? I work at a bank during the day Yeah that seems about right Yeah It looks like you

Fogged up your glasses To clean them off But you forgot to clean them off I just don't care about myself Is that true? fogged up your glasses to clean them off, but you forgot to clean them off. I just don't care about myself. Is that true? Oh, yeah. I neglect myself. And what are some other ways that you

neglect yourself? Can you share more with us? Biceps. Yeah, for sure. I eat candy and drink soda all the time. I tell people I work out, but I don't. You ever been fucked

by an Italian criminal? Been fucked by criminals, but women, I think. Have you met my wife? Hello. It's very funny, man, but certainly nervous as shit. It's very funny, man, but certainly nervous as shit. It's very hot up here.

Yeah. Anything crazy ever happen to you when you're working at the bank? Anybody ever hand you a note and you're like, hey, I might try this on stage tonight or something like that? I had a guy reach over the counter and caress my whole arm. Wow. Yeah. counter and caress my whole arm. Wow.

Yeah. I mean, if he's caressing your arm, imagine all the other arms that guy must be caressing throughout the day. It was Louis looking for your biceps. Wow. So what's your love life like? You admit to not taking care of yourself. You say you drink soda and eat candy.

Oh, I'm very celibate. You know, I'll fuck like once a year. Yeah, me too. Oh, Billy boy. How celibate are you? I fucked like six months ago and, you know, no more of that for me.

No more of that for you? We'll be fine going forward without that. Did you hurt her? What happened? No more of that. No, just, you know, like, I fuck badly eventually. It's just like, ah, there's too much explaining here. Eventually they turn 18.

What kind of explaining? How badly do you fuck? Give us some deets. I fuck fine, but I never cum. What do you mean? What do you mean you never come? Well, you know, just... Are you putting your finger on the tip of it? What are you talking about, Redman?

Dude, Jeffrey Epstein had less reason to kill himself. Shane, you've heard me fuck. How did it sound? I've heard you fuck. Oh, yeah, we also lived together in Philly Wait what Shane you should have started off with that I forgot I totally forgot

That's how forgettable you are He forgot you lived with him Well he was like living Cause he's like real autistic So he's like living with like a weird cat So like he would He would come home and like run straight up the steps He'd be like hello

And just run away Okay Shane forgot that he lived with him come home and like run straight up the steps. He'd be like, hello, and just run away. Okay. Shane forgot that he lived with him. Have you ever come having sex with someone? Oh yeah, I used to come, but no more. What happened? What was the moment in which you're like,

I can't come ever again during sex? Seems like you've made the decision. Well, I'm not like refusing to come. Have you tried 4Hims? Have you tried Hims? Can one of you hook me up with Blue Chews? Does anyone have Blue Chews? 4Hims. We have 4Hims. We here on Kill Tony, we have 4Hims.

That's all we have. It's the best. It absolutely is. Wait, do you come when you jerk off? Oh, yeah. No one's there to hurt my feelings then. So you're just in your head while you're fucking this shit and you're like, oh, I'm not gonna come.

You start to sweat. You're sweating like a motherfucker right now, dude. Oh, yeah, it's worse than this. Were you in love with a girl and that was the last time you came was with this girl when you guys broke up? You can't come again?

Hey, Red Band got it. Oh. I mean... That's pathetic. That is one sad story. Was that when we lived together? Ah fuck Was that her?

Yeah I remember her Damn I don't want this online No I won't say anything I'm not gonna Oh I guess I did What's gonna happen? What are you talking about You don't want it online

I want it online Let's fucking talk about it Alright whatever What happened? Wow you really are Now I see puddles in his neck By the way, of sweat. Holy shit.

I've never really seen that before. Sweaty face I can handle, but just watching your neck pool up is pretty incredible. You know, you date a comic, and then it doesn't work out, and then you have to be like, well, it's time to go make it. You have no choice. You just tell yourself this is the time. You're like, I can't come, but I've got to go. Yeah.

Tony, that polo makes you look like a proud boy that no one's ever been proud of. How long has it been since you've come during sex? At least over a year. Over a year. Yeah. And how long do you do it for before she's like, get off? Well, they'll come usually. Wow. Shut up. Look at you.

Dude, sweat just dripped off your ear. Half it. Your former roommate, friend of eight years, is saying no. How long into sex do they usually say that they just came?

Wow, there's one woman that fakes orgasms right there. Loud awe from this lady. I just want to defend myself. I've had women fake orgasms enough that I can tell when that's it. How can you tell? You know, I can just... Come on. I know when I've done a good job, and it's rarely...

How do you know when you've done a good job? You know, I stayed hard the whole time. I made eye contact. Make eye contact? That might be creepy. Who was... No, it's Alpha. I don't believe that you've ever made eye contact in your life.

You leave your glasses on when you're fucking? No, I take those off. Wow. Where do you put them? In your butt. Yeah. Just throw them vaguely on the nightstand. They fall down, get smudged.

I'll put them in your butt. Maybe you'll come. Yeah, dude. You got to try it. Glasses to asses, bro. That's what we call that. Glasses to ass. That should be a subgenre. That's right. Glasses to asses, bro. That's what we call that. Glasses to ass. That should be a subgenre.

That's right. Fucking. All right. I wonder who the girl was six months ago. Yeah. It was just like a Tinder girl, and then it didn't really work out. Well, it worked out. You fucked.

Yeah, I fucked. But, you know, you don't cum. So, for example. She was a Tinder girl. He lit her on fire afterwards. So, for example, this last one, six months ago, you go out, you take her back to what, your place? Yeah. And then you guys are making out.

You go to your bedroom? Yeah. You tell her that she's miles from where anyone could hear her scream? And what do you do? You put on a condom? No. No? Raw dog. Look You put on a condom. No. No, raw dog. Look at you. Heck yeah. Heck yeah.

He's trying to cum, Tony. I like this guy. Couple dirty dogs up here. He was skinny. You're the only guy I know that went to LA and got fat. He's filled with cum. It's just over brimming his ball sack.

No, I knew Shane. I was real fat. I quit drinking. You were better fat. Yeah. Well, I'm getting fat again. That's good. I just regained all the weight I lost getting sober, which I feel, thank you.

It's strange to have such a tiny fat man. This is really for no one. So before I let you go, because I find this to be so intriguing, right? So now you're fucking her. How long would you guess that you had sex with her for? 45 minutes.

45 minutes. I get tuckered out in the middle and I take breaks. I'm not an athletic man. No. Dude. I get tuckered out in the middle. I take breaks. Tuckered out? Tuckered out, dude. I'm not an athletic man. Tuckered out, though? Did she say that?

Hey, champ. You tuckered out? I get all wound up. It's a big day for me. What do you do when you take a break? Get out of here, you little scamp. Just like, ah, you want to take a break. And then she goes to the bathroom.

I look at my phone. What? Oh, my God. What? You stay hard throughout the whole thing looking at your phone? Oh yeah, you know No, I don't know Okay, so 45 minutes How many sexual positions do you think you went through in that 45 minutes?

You remember Well, I know that reverse cowgirl usually makes me cum So it's kind of like... That sounds like you're riding the way you said that. Reverse cowgirl makes me cum? That's a weird way to say it, yeah. Yeah, I don't know the angle of the hole or whatever. So if you're laying on your hole or whatever, are you talking about laying on your back?

I'm on my back. The girl is on top facing this way. Facing the other way, right? Yeah. Why do you think that positions the woman? How do you make eye contact then? You fucking liar.

He holds out one of those handheld mirrors like a selfie stick. Have you tried guys? That could be the problem Hey, he knows you better than any of us Hey, before you answer that Don't ask, don't tell, okay Hey

Alright, Brandon, well fun times I'm glad you were on again Very fun set and a great interview How about that, Brendan Crick Getting it started Brendan underscore Crick Tony Yeah Jesus Getting it started. Brendan underscore Crick. Tony. Yeah.

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Enterprise, for lives and drive. Okay, what's happening? What's going on? Are we going to commercial break or something? We'll be right back after these messages. These guys are out of control. Dude, Brandon was sweating like he was shooting NBA Finals foul shots. Yeah, we had to get are out of control. Dude, Brendan was sweating like he was shooting NBA finals foul shots.

Yeah. We had to get him, I had to get him out of here. He's clearly getting tuckered out from all the, all the hot glasses.

What a little stinker. That's a way to get the show started, though. You guys having fun yet out there, huh? All right.

Then onward we go with your next comedian. Goes by the name of Quinn Wright, everybody. Quinn Wright. All right. Here we go. How much better is it when the interview is really good? Don't you love that?

Isn't that so much better? Here he comes. Quinn Wright, everybody. Thank you, thank you. So I'm a virgin at 28, and I realize that's sad, but I have found the upside of that, and that is, even in this culture, I can't be accused of rape, yet. You guys heard of escape rooms?

Escape rooms are kind of like saws a party game. They're very popular around the country, I've heard. And I tried to take a friend to one, surprised her for her birthday, and she just called it an abduction. I don't really understand. You know, they say that ice cream tastes kind of... Give clues to your sexual proclivities. You know, vanilla say that ice cream tastes kind of give clues to your sexual proclivities. You know, vanilla is regular, plain.

Chocolate is a little more adventurous. I think that even applies to me because I eat so much ice cream, no one wants to fuck me. Anyone like sports? I like the Colts. I like the Colts. I like the Colts, but primarily they're automatics. The revolvers are a little, you know. Thank you. Heck yeah.

Here we are. This is what Kill Tony's great for. Giving mass shooters things to do on a Monday. Yeah, really. It's amazing how good the Legion of Skanks shirt goes when the guy looks like he murders bridge hookers. Absolutely. Thank you.

You really put the mass in Mass Shooter. I mean, this is incredible. Whoa! Nicholas Tartaglione. Oh my god, he's warming up back there. Look out. Nicholas Tartaglione. Oh, my God. He's warming up back there. Look out. This is incredible.

So, Quinn Wright, you are a 28-year-old virgin. This is incredible. Two people in a row on this stage that can't come with a woman. That's right. Is this your first time on the show? This is my third, actually. Third time. That's great.

How long have you been doing stand-up? About two and a half years or so. Two and a half years. No, since I was, actually. Third time. That's great. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two and a half years or so. Two and a half years. Since I was 25, so three years. How do you survive? What's your living situation? Photography. Photography? Yeah. So how do you survive? Not very well.

You make a living taking pictures? Yeah. What do you take pictures of? Events, typically. I feel like you're the type of guy that likes to take a picture secretly and then threaten the person with blackmail to release it. Yes, that's the old blackmail theme song. Centerfold. Yeah, I don't like the look of this guy one bit.

Yeah, Bill, what are your thoughts about someone like this? I think my blackmail me. I'll take care of it. Hey, Hillary. Always got his back. So, Quinn, you ever go on any of these dating apps? You're 28.

I tried Tinder for a while, but it never worked out. I actually did have a date a while back, and that's just, she wants to be friends, but that's okay. So you lit her on fire? Yeah, dude, definitely.

You should kill her. Dude, if I were you, I would strangle her to death. I'm not going to. You want to be famous? No! Because this ain't it. Strangle someone. No, I know. And then take pictures.

Yeah, no. Tony, he thought apps was short for appetizers. No, I know. And then take pictures. Yeah. No. Tony, he thought apps was short for appetizers. Never mind. It is. In my defense, it is. So this chick that put you in the friend zone, you went on a date with her? Two.

Two dates? Yeah. Uh-huh. And where'd you guys go? Movies or something? No. So first we were going to go to the movies, then we decided just walk in the Hollywood Hills for a while. Oh my God.

Who decided that? We both mutually decided it. That girl does not give a fuck, dude. Yeah, I bet it was completely mutual. Did you steal any of her hair or anything? No. Keep her toenails?

No, I did not. Where's her hair or anything? No. No. Did you keep her toenails? No, I did not. Where's her skin right now? I would hope on her skeleton. Where's her skeleton? I love just imagining him suggesting that to the date. Like, would you like to go up into the hills? We're going to go to the Hollywood sign, but I was too unconfident to figure that out. So here, take a step back Stand on that X for us

You see that X there? It's better for the frame Have you done anything? What's the most you've done with a girl? The most I've done with this girl Is getting kissed on the main stage here as a bit Oh, that happened here? Yeah

Because you said that you had never kissed anybody Or it's been a long time Because I'm part of the Ding Dong Show, Don Beres. Oh, he did it. Oh, that's fun. I don't remember. Show me the bit. Can you get your fucking dick away from me?

Apologies, Lewis. I mean, Jesus Christ, Tony. The X's dick level at my eyeball. I'm sorry. It's a big panel. A lot of people up here today. So, Quinn, tell us something wild about you that we don't know that

would be entertaining to us all. Like, the last guy, he can't come. He just keeps fucking until the woman starts crying. Yeah. Until there's fire. So, what's something about you that we'd find interesting? Not a lot, clearly.

That's why I'm a virgin. No, I don't think that's true. So what's an average day in the life? Like what time do you wake up? Usually around 9 in the morning. 9 a.m. And then what? You get off your bunk bed and then what?

Your grandma makes you breakfast. You do your chores at the halfway house No I've actually been slacking on the chores No I look for work I look for photography work You just start looking for photography work With what binoculars

I have a zoom lens I don't need binoculars How do you look for photography work You he's like go outside and start screaming like photos get your fresh photos I use Craigslist Oh Christ It would probably lose the suggestion would probably be more effective to be quite honest Have you taken tasteful nudes ever? No

Have you ever tried to do that? Like, just convince young girls to come over? Totally, he has. I've never tried that. What? That's the move, dude. That's how you fuck them. Man, you gotta make things happen, bro. My move right now is headshots. Dude, it works so well every time. Younger the better.

Jeffrey Epstein. 100% of the time? All the time. Yeah, dude, you gotta promise them a career in modeling and let them know this guy's gonna get naked now. You saw those porns. What's the worst call that you've ever, like, what's the worst gig you ever had to photograph?

Probably the ones I don't get paid for when they said I would get paid for, and those suck. How about that? Does that happen a lot? Maybe you should get some money up front or some kind of contract. What do you do? Do you try to fight them?

You just take it on the chin and walk away? Dude, these are the types of people you should be killing. I'm telling you, bro. Fuck all this, dude. Kill these people. Become great. If you were going to murder people, how would you do it? What do you think your weapon of choice would be?

What do you think? Well, I know it's a little hack, but the AR-15 is probably the best weapon. Wow. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. A little hack. Oh, my God. You know, we've all thought about murdering crowds of people with an AR-15.

I will say, if I'm just going to murder one person, I can probably get a Mosin-Nagant bolt-action rifle for like $300. Oh, boy. I was guessing it was going to be flesh on flesh. You can see the life leave their eyes. No, I'm not. Bill Clinton. No, you're not a weirdo. Can I just take this as a moment to tell all the parents out there watching,

tell your kids you love them. All right, Quinn. Well, we were just kidding about the whole killing people thing. I get it. Yeah. Now we set him free into the Los Angeles night. No, I would have done my school shooter joke if I hadn't done it before. What? Last time I was on, I did

a school shooter joke. Oh, you did? Yes. Oh, I didn't remember that. I clearly... He was like, knock, knock. Who's there? Me. Get out there, Quinn. There's a world of confused young models out there waiting to be whatever happens that you do to them happen to them.

Alright. There he goes. Quinn Wright, ladies and gentlemen. Part of the Ding Dong Show. Every Monday in the belly room. He's on social media at Right on Target with a W. Man, how awesome is the band tonight, huh? I mean, just... Jethro Tull, dude.

Jethro Tull up in this motherfucker. Bill Clinton, Hillary. Wow. All right, your next comedian goes by the name of Carrie Miller. Carrie Miller. Here we go. Hey. One more time for Carrie Miller.

I'm so glad I saw you. You were hitting on me when I had the camouflage shirt on before, and you did one of these. And I was so confused. When does that work? I don't understand. That's fantastic. I was like, I've got that work like I don't understand I was hoping that's fantastic I was like I gotta change my fucking shirt this is not working he was like are you a marine I'm like little me no and then I don't know does that work for anybody that sound no no. Well, my aunt was the biggest woman in Arizona. We only know because the hospital told us, just so we should know. It wasn't like a Guinness Book of World Records situation.

had to cremate her in sections because they were afraid of a grease fire. I'm not kidding. It's my Aunt Pam. She's a good woman. Heck yeah, Carrie Millard. Welcome, welcome. That was great. Holy fuck, that was so good.

That was so good. That was so fucking great. I can't believe how good that was. She's the funniest woman I've ever seen in good that was. Shit, she's good. Funniest woman I've ever seen in my entire life. So hot. Hell yeah. Hot off the press is funny.

Wow. I was the one who said you were good, not Jay. For real, I leaned over to him. I was like, this is fucking good. I told Shane I was going to tell you how good you were, and he started elbowing me and taking the microphone. I'm sorry to cut off our panel of guests, but I got to check in with former President Bill Clinton, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, I would like to offer you an internship.

So, Carrie Miller, is this your first time on the show? Heck yeah. Welcome, welcome. Fuck, that was good. How long have you been doing stand-up? A few months. A few months. So that's perfect.

That's it. That's exactly what... She has it. That's quick. That's good. Can I just say, she is a natural. With a couple of private lessons, you could probably be doing produced bar shows in a couple weeks. Or a Showtime special. I don't want to fast track you if you don't think you're ready.

Who was hitting on you? Yeah, sir. That guy? Oh, no, okay. Sit down. Dude, look at his confidence. Are you out of your fucking mind, sir? It was an interesting move.

You took a chance calling him out. That's really what he did. He did the kissing noises. And you brought it up. Didn't really have taken chances. That guy looks like Forrest Gump from when he was jogging across the street.

That's right. Just never stopped. Or the road. That's right. Just never stopped. Or the Drew Carey show guy. You know, with the beard on. Carey Miller. So what made you want to start doing stand-up? I like making people laugh.

Oh, really? Where do you do that at? I mean, like where were you doing it before you started stand-up comedy? I did improv for a long time. Oh, you did improv for a long time. You live here in California? So you're comfortable with saying yes and. I like that.

These guys, you know, Bill Clinton is a very, very horny president. So Carrie, what do you do for work? I'm a studio coordinator. Oh, like what exactly does that mean? I like work around a studio that shoots content for big companies. Oh, what an angel. Yeah. What an absolute angel. Yo dude, you want to cut it out, bro?

Fucking respect her, dude. I'm sorry about these fucking dudes. I'm fucking sorry. Stand dudes. I'm fucking sorry. Stand on the X. I used to shoot content into Jeffrey Epstein's ass. Now, for those of you that just listened to the podcast, which is, believe it or not, the great majority of consumers of this show,

clearly I hope that you've caught on to the fact that Carrie Miller is a beautiful girl, right? Yeah, but even the video people can't see her ass. Chill, chill, chill. I don't know what to tell you. Dude, but it's just like it's more than that, though. It's like, sure, sure. She happens to have a fantastic ass.

But like, I mean, you gotta look past that if you want to be with somebody. Let me just take a moment to talk to whoever's writing a blog about this as they're listening. That it was Carrie who

brought up that she gets hit on at the beginning of her set. The first half of her set was about that, so that's why I feel I can completely rationalize doing this to a human being pulled out of the bucket. Go ahead, Bill Clinton. Yeah, have you ever been to an island before?

Carrie, do you get hit on a lot? Is that a common thing? You get a lot of cat calls and things like that? I wouldn't say a lot. No? Like, other than this guy back here and everybody on the stage. Like, how often does that happen? Not that often. I don't know.

You have a boyfriend? No. Oh, you're single. Wow. That's interesting. So what? Strong, independent woman. You have really cute feet.

Oh, my God. Now that's where I draw the fucking line. Jesus Christ. Really cute feet. What are you even? Size of a baby's. Okay. All right.

So if you had to pick one of us to date, hypothetically... I'm not dating anyone right now, so... Why aren't you dating anyone? What's wrong with you? Because I'm trying to focus on my comedy. No, don't. It's an ugly business, baby. You don't want any parts of this.

No, that's great. So, Carrie, how often do you get to do stand-up? You're doing a lot of spots per week? Yeah, I'm going to like three a week. Right, and your job as a studio coordinator, that leaves you nights open? Mm-hmm. Right.

Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. Interesting. Carrie, if a guy that you were having sex with was to tell you that he cannot come by having sex, what would you do to try to help him? You know, I don't know. I think it would depend on each individual person. I think it sounds like we're trying to get spank bank things from her. It goes, hey, if you were going to make a guy cum in a bathroom quick,

what would be the move? What's the thing? A lot of spit? A little bit of spit? Tony. You got to vibe it out. I'm going to check in with Nick Tartaglione. Let me just tell you, I've never been happier

to say that I'm only turned on by butt-fucking pedophiles. Oh. And I'm the only one that's immune to this right now. That's true. Not into the ladies at all. Wow. So, Carrie, what else? Anything else you do for fun?

Any hobbies or anything like that? I like skateboarding. Uh-huh. Skateboarding. Well,. I do too. I love skateboarding. You do? Wait a second. Hillary, you skateboard? I do now. Oh, wow. Even Hillary. Look at this. Hey.

Wow. I want to change my campaign to I'm with her. Wow. I want to change my campaign to I'm with her. Wow. Heck yeah. Bill, what do you think about this? This kind of behavior is unacceptable. All right, Carrie.

You're a team, Bill. That was fun. For a few months in, you're doing it. You're fucking taking chances. I don't know if it was a good move to acknowledge the guy that hit on you, but if you had something to go to, like, it's like that type

of thinking outside the box is good, you just gotta have, you know, something that you know is gonna fucking make it all worthwhile in the end, but, so there's, you know, a cool thing, these glimpses of you taking chances, like, nobody really does that, because it normally wouldn't work, and it didn't, of you taking chances. Nobody really does that because it normally wouldn't work. And it didn't, but

Do you have a joke about that? Have you written about this experience before? That might be a good joke. No, I tried beforehand and I couldn't quite complete anything. Bill? I want to know about her fat relative.

We completely glossed over that because she's so hot. But she says something quite interesting, actually, if you listen to her set, about having her relative cut up into pieces who's so fat that, you know, didn't want to start a grease fire. So let's get into that. Wow, Bill Clinton. Even listening.

I am a politician. How about one more time for Carrie Miller's first time on Kill Tony? She's on Instagram at Carrie Miller with a K-A-R-I beginning. Thank you, Carrie. Very fun. All different shapes and sizes. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show?

Wow. I love it. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Andy Van. Andy Van. All the way. The deepest corner. Here he comes. I wish that you would step back from.

Step back from that. I wish my brain. Here he is. Andy Van, everybody. I know it may not seem like it, but I have fucked before. The problem is sometimes girls say weird shit to me when we fuck. Like one time I was fucking this girl,

and she was on top, and she wasn't Asian. And we're going at it and she's like, yeah, give me that Vietnamese dick. I didn't tell you I was Vietnamese. So you nailed that one. That's crazy. Does it feel like a spring roll? What's happening here? Jesus. I don't know, man. Sex is a weird time to bring up race, right?

Am I crazy? Am I crazy? I think we should talk about race in this country. You know, black men still getting shot in the streets. You know, Central Americans and Mexicans come into our country, treated like pests. Asians are underrepresented. We gotta talk about race. And we should keep talking about it on Facebook.

Don't put that shit in the bedroom. The bedroom is where I'm closing my ass and thinking about my ex. Don't fucking ruin this. Thank you guys. All right.

Andy Van. Man, does that band sound good. God damn. Isn't it weird that he was like technically a better comedian than the last girl, but way less enjoyable? I miss Carrie. I miss Carrie so fucking much. I wish Carrie was up here. Can we bring Carrie back up just for like just the interview portion?

We don't want to talk to this guy. Has it ever happened to double interview for one person on Kill Tony? Poor Carrie. I've never seen a girl get... I've seen someone get me-tued, but I've never seen someone get me-sevened before. Okay, so let's talk about Andy Van. Andy... Okay, Red Band.

Come on, that's not nice. Red Band brought out an Asian guitar sound effect machine. Okay, all right. Andy, you're Vietnamese, that's true? I am, yeah, I am Vietnamese, yeah. Did your parents or grandparents fight in any of our wars with Vietnam? With Vietnam? No, my parents escaped, and my grandparents, we all escaped.

I didn't, but they escaped in the 70s. I was born in America. Yeah, sure. Where'd those cowards go? You got to stay and fight, dude. Where'd those cowards run off to? My goodness. So, Andy, how long have you been...

I thought it was funny. Sorry. No, it is. Where did they run off to? Where'd the cowards run off to? The cowards came to America. Those pussies. Yeah, the pussies came to America, and then they met here, and then they gave birth to me here.

We're talking about Vietnamese pussies. Yeah, Vietnamese pussies. They smell like shit. They're sideways. They're slanted? Is that what you said? Yeah. So, Andy, how long have you been doing comedy?

This month will be one year. Wow. Happy one-year anniversary. My goodness. Lucky numbers. Seven, 21, 34. Back of a fortune cookie. Yeah.

It's good. Thank you. Yeah, it is. Solid. So, one-year anniversary. What do you do for work? I'm a waiter. I work at a restaurant. Oh. waiter. I work at a restaurant.

I work at a Japanese restaurant. Whoa. It's alright. They can't tell. When you told your parents you worked at a Japanese restaurant, were they like, what the fuck? What the fuck? That's good.

That's good. Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah, no, that's good. That's good. That's good. That's really good. Yeah.

How long have you been waiting tables for? About a year. Uh-huh. Yeah. Did you move here a year ago? I moved here about a year and a half ago. From where? I was living in San Diego.

I was teaching high school there, actually. Ah, yes. San Diego, very popular with the Vietnamese. One of the first American stops Coming from that direction. Yeah, why is your shirt so short like a leg? Not so much. Why is it so short? But why is it so short and you chose to do a half-year set with your arm up? Yeah as a fat guy, I was just befuddled To excel I love it. I love it. You don't give a fuck Befuddled. Wow. 2XL in Asian sizes. I love it.

He don't give a fuck. Heck yeah. Nobody on this show ever wants to get laid. Yeah. It's interesting. Wow. Luis J. Gomez. Luis.

Andy Van's finger is in his mouth. Andy is fingering Louis' mouth. You're lucky he can't come from that. Wow. This is incredible. He's funny. All right. Step away from the talent.

That's the least of Louis' fluids I've ever been on me. Oh, shit. Shit. I thought it was the chick. I'm drunk. That's crazy. That's like the fifth gayest thing I've ever seen Louis do. Oh, shit. I thought I was the chick. I'm drunk. That's crazy. That's like the fifth gayest thing I've ever seen Louis do.

More than that. Wow. Andy, what do you do for fun? You have any wacky Vietnamese hobbies or anything like that? You ever fucking... Just normal hobbies. Like what? Fingering Puerto Ricans' mouths.

Just normal hobbies like fighting scorpions in a bucket. You know, just your run of the mill Vietnamese hobbies. Junk kicks. You know, just selling gremlins to

nice families. Like what are some of your hobbies? I play basketball. I play basketball. What? Really? Shut up. Get out of here. Not like good, though. Can we get a basketball?

David, Brandon, can somebody look for a basketball? Ask one of the black door guys if they have a basketball. If you told me you were world-class ping pong, I'd believe you. But even street-level good basketball, I'm not buying that. I don't believe that you could pick a basketball out of a group of balls. I bet you

look hilarious in a headband. You play basketball with other human beings, or you play... Just on my phone. Yeah, other human beings. Alright, easy Andy Van. Jesus Christ. Yeah, other human beings. All right. Easy, Andy Van. Jesus Christ. Andy, this is my first real... I do hate your confidence.

And I want you to know that going forward, you need to chill. But, yeah. How often do you play basketball? I play once or twice a week at least. Oh, my goodness. No fucking way. Give us a basketball, please.

And you like drive to the hoop and everything? No, dude. Don't lie. Okay. Yeah, I can dribble and I can shoot. I can do normal basketball things. How about this? Let's do something fun here.

Andy, why don't you hand Bill Clinton that microphone? Why don't you take a step up here? How many of you want to see what his shooting form looks like? So bad. So bad. I'm so excited to see that shirt come up when you shoot. That's what he's doing when he does stand-up. He's practicing his shooting form.

Here he is. This is it. This is like if – this is good. Okay, you're going to dribble. Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Look at this. Imaginary basketball here.

This is the first time we've ever done this on Kill Tony. He's either dribbling a basketball or he's a... Whoa. Oh, yeah. Whoa. Wow. That is incredible. That was more impressive than we ever thought any Asian could do.

However, you're bringing that ball out too much in front of you. That's getting slapped out every time. That's true. That thing's going down to the asphalt every time. Bill Clinton. Yeah, I would like to do that exact green acumen when you have a defender on you. Heck yeah. Oh, wait a second.

Oh, shit. Bill Clinton. Oh, my goodness. Oh, get that shit the fuck out of here. Heck, yeah. Wow. He's good. Heck yeah. Wow. He's good. He's really good.

He swatted the imaginary basketball. That was incredible. Get that shit out of here. Andy, you ever get in a street fight? I have not gotten into a street fight. I've been in bar fights. Really? What happened there? That's what a street fight. I've been in bar fights. Really? What happened there?

That's what a street fight is, you idiot. Did he mean in the streets, literally? I was in a kitchen fight. I was in a supermarket fight. Three street fights. A bicycle rental place fight. A Burger King fight. High school cafeteria fight.

Never a street fight. Have you ever gotten in a guerrilla King fight? Have you ever... High school cafeteria fight? Never a street fight. Have you ever gotten in a guerrilla warfare fight? Is that how you fight the guy? Do you punch him and run away? Because the goddamn cowards. Give us an example of what happened at the bar fight. We were just at a bar, and someone was hitting on my cousin.

Wow, was it a sushi bar? No, go ahead. Your cousin is a female? Yeah, yeah, my cousin's a female. Yeah, that'd be weird if you were just cock-blocking your cousin. Well, I don't know how much you know about Vietnamese girls, but they are so horny. Yeah.

It's true. Accurate. So someone's hitting on your female cousin. And they were being disrespectful? They were being very disrespectful. Were they doing like Asian voice? Yeah, they were playing gongs and Asian guitars and stuff. Oh, that's so.

So how dishonorable were they being? On a scale of one to ten. Super. Ten being very dishonorable very Was there really something Tell us the truth Andy Do you remember something offensive that they did Actually I don't remember I was pretty drunk I think they were getting touchy

And I was like hey do you want this guy She's trying to get away So I just pushed him I pushed him out of the way we kind of exchanged blows What kind of blows? With our fists at what point did everybody start kung fu fighting? Wow, I told him don't hit on my cousin and I started sucking his dick I Said if you come around here again, I'm going to suck your dick again.

You watch yourself. It's always going to come to blows. The full circle. Ironically, that was his cousin's name. Come to blows. Come to blow. Shane Gillis. ShaneMGillis.com for tickets Harrisburg, D.C., Austin

So Andy Fun times, dude Another fun set You got your fingers sucked tonight by Louis J. Gomez I got my mouth fingered Oh, that's right By Andy, whatever his last name is.

Andy Van. There he goes. Andy Van, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. Fun times. Hell yeah. Burning ring of fire. Can I grab another dirty martini, please?

Oh, me too. Extra dirty? Just mine, regular dirty. Jay's weird. And Shane, I guess two Miller lights. Yeah, Shane, you are a fucking machine. You really are a fucking hayseed, bro. I like your style.

Shane, are we taking ecstasy tonight? Can I say something about Shane? I saw him at the improv last night, and he ordered a couple of Miller Lights, and then the waitress handed him the bill, and he goes, oh, I thought these would be free. These are free, right? Yeah.

No, no. These fucking better be free. Yeah, yeah. They're free for you. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Kajon Siva, or Siva. Kajon? Kajon. Here he is.

Hey. Kajan Siva or Saiva Kajan? Kajan, here he is Hey One more time for Kajan What's up I actually had a strong feeling I was going to get picked up right now That was some psychic level shit right there Alright Let's do it Who do you think

is an intelligent person? A rapist? He's throwing... Einstein! That's what I thought. And then, that's what most people think. Clap if you agree Einstein is an intelligent person. Yeah, so...

Is Einstein really an intelligent person? Because like his like thinking created like the bomb, really, right? So you got to think like who else is like an intelligent person? Because like he's like a parasite if you like really think about it. He like created a bomb You know what I mean? So you gotta think of people That really bring people together

Would be A real intelligent person Okay, John Siva, ladies and gentlemen Heck yeah Hell yeah I mean, I didn't Ladies and gentlemen, heck yeah. Hell yeah. I mean, I didn't. Clearly, I'm just guessing that you smoked all the pot before this.

Is there anything left? I did not. What are you, man? I don't even know. I feel like you're some sort of like a Mad Max Thunderdome race of person. There really is something going on here. Like post-apocalyptic people. For those of you listening, he looks like a white

guy from Oregon in blackface. I don't know if I've ever seen anything quite like this. And he's dancing now. Dude, how do you think that went? That's all I wanted to ask. I enjoyed it. I had a lot of fun up there. No way.

I did. That was good. That was a good bit. Thank you, bro. So you were like, who's smart? Einstein. I don't know if he's smart. Light.

That's a good set. That's a good set. This is the best guy of the night by far. Woo! Yes, dude. Yes, dude. Fight someone. Fight someone tonight, dude.

Go nuts. I brought everybody here tonight. Yeah, you brought everyone here? Yeah, everybody knew you were bringing that Einstein shit tonight. Yeah. That's like a big bit. A lot of people in L.A. were talking about that bit. Heck yeah, Bill Clinton.

Yeah, he looks like Slumdog Millionaire became a lost boy in Neverland. Wow. That's a trip around the world right there. K. John, am I saying that right? Kajan. Kajan. How long have you been doing stand-up? Guess.

Nope. Negative 18 months. I know what you think. You give me the answer to the question I just asked you. Less than five years? Yes. Yes! Eight and a half years.

No way! That's two terms, son. You gotta go. Wow. Bill Clinton, ladies and gentlemen. Bill Clinton's first time on Kill Tony. Kajan. Dan, did I really bomb?

Kajan, over here. Stick with me. I did. Keep a lot of your focus. Nope on me. Over here. I promise you, you have to. Or else this whole thing is going to be completely off the rails.

First of all, are you fucking serious? Eight and a half years? Are you fucking with us? Do you are you fucking serious? Eight and a half years? Are you fucking with us? Do you believe I'm serious? No, dude. No way. This is your first night. No.

Everything from here on out, just answer the questions, right? Stop answering with more questions. Okay. No one wants to guess, and no one can believe what's happening. Well, I want to see where you're coming from, what you think. If you think I'm an amateur. with more questions. No one wants to guess and no one can believe what the fuck's happening. I want to see where you're coming from. What do you think? Are you fucking kidding me?

What is going on? Are you fucking serious? Don't listen to these motherfuckers. That's what I'm saying. Fuck them. I see the vision, dude. Where have you been doing this? Eight more years.

It's not going to be a total fruitless adventure for you. It's going to be great. That's just something new that you're working on? Brand spanking new? An unfinished thought that you had? You're like, eight and a half years I've been doing this?

My debut on Kill Tony? I'm going to fucking work this out up there. That's exactly what I did. Doggy, can you get me... I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm so sorry. Can we please hear a bit that he has? No, that's exactly where I'm going, is I want to hear a joke in eight and a half years, if that's just something that you were trying to finish. Anything at all.

One-liner, anything in eight and a half years. What's the beast? What's like the beast? You're open or closer. How many of you? Of course they do. Guys, come on. How many of you want to hear this guy do one of his real jokes?

That's not enough. All right. It's got to be enough. No, I want to get called next week. So why don't I do it next week? Nope. No. How bad do you really want to hear the joke?

Sajid, everyone hates you. How bad do you really want to hear the joke? Not that bad. This guy sucks. How bad do you really want to hear the joke? This guy sucks. This guy sucks. Well, you ain't hearing the joke then.

Until I come back next week. How about that? No. You're not even going to get. I don't think you understand, Kajan. Fuck that. I'm not coming next week. Eight and a half years, you should be able to pull a bit.

I got jokes. We don't believe you. Well, call me next week. How much do you want to bet? We're not calling you next week. What the fuck are you talking about? You don't need to pitch that again. Hold on, I'll say week. How much do you want to bet? We're not calling you next week. What the fuck are you talking about? You don't need to pitch that again. Hold on, I'll say this.

If you kill with a joke right now, you could do a set on the Legion of Skanks show right after this in the main room. Yeah, there you go. Right now. Fuck next week. But you have to do a joke that kills. You got to kill right now. Do I get to my stand back?

You got to do a joke right now. It has to kill though, Lewis. It has to kill though. Yeah, it has to fucking destroy. Why do you need a stand? All right, I need has to fucking destroy. Why do you need a stand? All right, I need to get the stand. Why do you need a mic stand? Because I like being professional.

What? Wow. You're supposed to put the mic stand behind you. This is crazy. I've never seen an audience want a joke to bomb so badly. Here he is. Eight and a half years doing stand-up comedy. Can do any of the jokes he's written or made in eight and a half years.

And here he is doing one joke and one joke only. If he kills, he's on the show after this. If he doesn't, I'm never going to see him again. Kajan. Siva. Siva. never going to see him again. Kajan Siva.

That was Red Band. That doesn't count. That was Brian Red Band. That does not count towards Kajan's joke. At this point, he will not be on the show after this. Alright, here it is. Eight and a half years, one joke.

Kajan Siva. No, I'm joking. All right. So let's just deal with being elephant in the room, you know? I was always confused about that, elephant in the room, you know? Like, I was always confused about that, like, elephant in the room and stuff. Because growing up, like, the elephant in the room, we just called it God.

There you go. Nothing there, Kajan. Damn, dude, you are bananas. All that for nothing. You haven't really been doing it eight and a half years. Where? No way. Where have you been doing it for eight and a half years?

Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Oh, fuck Canada. What are you? Guess. No. You fucking fuck. God, I hate you. He's Indian.

I hate you so much. Because why does it I hate you. He's Indian. Why does it matter? He's Indian. Why? No. There he goes. Kajan Siva, everybody. There he is. You'll never see him again.

Kajan Siva. If he's not Indian. This is the kind of guy that... If he's not Indian, he's definitely Indian-y. Hey, Tony, could I make a quick announcement? Sure. So the Kill Tony Band's been working on a secret project for a while. It's finally done.

We have a Kill Tony Band calendar that's coming out for 2020. Wow. There you go. And it's available's coming out for 2020. Wow. There you go. And it's available online now on my website. Wow. Heck yeah. A real paper calendar?

All your favorite characters. And it is 87% more accurate than your normal calendar. Never miss a date again. Get the Kill Tony band calendar. Jeffrey Epstein. Who would have guessed? A little bit of product placement there.

They still make calendars. All right, yeah. Clearly Bill Clinton bringing some of our favorite things from 1996 back in 2020. A paper calendar. Pull the name out, put your hands together for Cameron Torrey. Can we know the Cameron Torrey? Oh, boy. Cameron Tori. Can we know the Cameron Tori? Oh, boy. Cameron Tori.

One more time for Cameron Tori. Thank y'all. I got 60 seconds, so I got to keep it short. I've been thinking about some shit. It's completely random. I thought about it over there. But kids now have it way too easy to jack off. I'm serious. Because when I was a kid,

I liked to jack off. But you had to wait until HBO or Cinemax got too late and your parents were asleep and you had to get lucky. And it was soft porn. Now kids can pull out their fucking phone and then just jack the fuck off.

That's not fair. It's not. I had to earn that shit. I grew up with dial-up. I'm not that old. But goddamn, you can just pull out your phone and jack off. And the thing is,

when I was a kid, my mom didn't have that much money. So when I was in my mom's house, I only had BET Uncut. Oh yeah, the real niggas laugh. They're like, haha, everybody else had too much money. But y'all knew about BET Uncut. The worst part about that is, you're jacking off, commercial break comes on, and they like to play gospel on certain nights. So next thing you know, you're sitting here with your dick in your hand, jacking off to Jesus,

and it's like, yo, whoa, nobody's trying to do that shit. Alright, give me the bear. Oh, Lord. Oh, my God. Somehow the same comedian two times in a row is on stage. Fuck, yeah. Damn, dude, you thought about that

right over there? It was a weird specific thing to say Yeah, they're gonna put up a marker It's like this is where that bit was fucking created It's gonna be a historical marker I guess Cameron Torrey, you've been on the show a few times now

You are comedy royalty, Right? Nephew of what? Guy Torrey? My dad's better. So I'm the son of Joe Torrey. Joe Torrey. That's right. My uncle's cool. Joe Torrey, Def Jam legend. Yeah. One of the few black guys pulling off a cowboy hat.

Yeah. You were adopted? No, I wasn't. No, no, no. I wish. Any updates since the last time you were on about anything in life whatsoever? Absolutely not, Tony. Besides the fact that I figured out

you look like a gay pony, that's it. That I look like a gay pony? To me. That's what you came up with in the weeks that... I did. I was like... You thought about that right over there. No, yeah.

Oh, my God. I thought about everything right over there. No, yeah. I thought about everything right over there. Unbelievable. Like a baby horse. When you say pony, I'm just making sure that we're all on the same page here. A gay pony. A gay pony. Yeah. I think all ponies are gay. You hold the mic too close to your mouth.

Just for the crowd. When you say pony, you mean a small horse. A small horse that likes to fuck other horses that are not the same gender. Yes, the same sex. You gay pony, Tony. He's a gay pony.

I am deeply roasted right now. Remember My Little Pony? My little pony, my little Tony. Wow, what has happened here? Literally the same insane comedian two people in a row. Oh, fuck. Yeah.

This is a fucking bizarre interaction. It really is. This is crazy. Literally, whatever curse that Kajan put on that microphone, it is carrying over right now. His dad gave him advice. He's like, yo, you got to go take the biggest guy out as soon as you get to the comedy store. Exactly. I like it.

No, I get it. There's a curse on the mic. It smells like the mic you talked on after you gave a blowjob. Yes. Yes, dude. It stinks. There's a stinky mic. Who goes ooh like that?

That's what I want to know. That's that. Who are the people that go ooh at something like that? That's what I always wonder. People that have a sense of humor. Yeah, dude. Fuck all these lames, dude. You're good.

Yeah. Yeah. This is good. Yeah. The whole time I was like, I've seen so many gay ponies. Even if it was passive aggressive, it worked, motherfucker.

This one. Definitely a gay. I saw a gay horse once too. Yeah. And I was like, who the fuck is that? Tony Hinchcliffe? This is good shit.

It's absolutely right. You're spot on. I look like a gay horse. I get it all the time. A gay pony. No, no, on. I look like a gay horse. I get it all the time. You look like a gay pony. A gay pony. Other male ponies. I believe it's pronounced bison.

There you go. A little something for those people. Okay. Well, there he goes. I mean, there's nothing to talk about. I asked you how your life is and I'm not gonna sit here and make fun of you again There he goes, Cameron Torrey

How fun How fun The exciting part of this show is that it's all pulled out of a bucket as you can fucking tell Tony, you know what's funny is they're so delusional, they're gonna go Man, I got him! Yeah, I know, it's just like sad, man, I got him. Yeah, I know.

It's just sad. I mean, I would make fun of him back, but then I'm just training people like, oh, you get roasted. All I have to do is say anything. What was that? His dad was in Poetic Justice. That was pretty cool. He was what?

In the movie Poetic Justice. Oh, in Poetic Justice. Yeah. It's this fucking young Tupac, dude. Hey, real quick, guys. I want to tell you about Monday.com, a team management tool that will improve your office workflow. Monday.com makes it easy to track projects and stay productive. Instead of emails, spreadsheets, random files, whiteboards, to-do lists, posted no reminders, Monday.com organizes and tracks everything in one place.

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if you go to monday.com slash kill tony they are going to give you a free 14-day trial no commitment you can check out monday.com and see for yourself how helpful their software is one more time that is monday.com slash kill tony. For a free 14-day trial, and make sure you use that exact link because if you are using that link, there will be additional savings if you choose to sign up. One more time, that's monday.com slash killtony. Let's do something fun. Let's get a little reset here.

There is a regular on this show. He writes and performs a brand new 60 Seconds every single week. He's consistently funny. He has a defined style to him. He's a little bit wacky and different than other comedians. I present to you one of my favorite

comics to watch every week on this show. Put your hands together for William Montgomery, everyone. favorite comics to watch every week on this show. Put your hands together for William Montgomery, everyone. William Montgomery getting a big ovation here. I

shit my pants the other day. Luckily, I was at home last night. However, I wasn't so lucky. I work at a Chili's. What's the deal with the Twilight Zone? See, that scares me. There weren't more laughs.

That was the punchline. Oh, God. Watch it, kid. That's my impression of the taxi driver in Home Alone 2. What's the deal with Gilligan's Island? I am so sorry. Tony told me if the set doesn't go good tonight, I'm off as the regular.

I have a lot of pressure on me tonight. I have a lot of pressure on my small toe. Heck yeah. Out there in exactly 60 seconds. William Montgomery. Who told you that I said that? A good friend, Zane Heichel. He's part Iranian, part Minthean. Really good at mathematics. His brother's really good at English. Where'd you meet this guy? In high school. Oh, and he told you that Tony told him that if you don't do good this week, you're off the show?

He did, and I'll be quite frank, I don't get why Zane Heichel told me that. I literally got the news this past week that my buddy Tony Chin was potentially on that 737 MAX crash in Africa. So Tony Chin may be dead? I am worried Tony Chin is dead. I had a bunch of stock options with him.

With him? In the Hubba Bubba gum. Hubba Bubba the gum? Yeah, it's part of the gum industry. It's a guy, Tony Chin. He's Asian. If we're gonna get down

to it, he was pretty much a... What was that fucking noise? Don't throw me off! Dude, you dress and talk like a molested boy. Ten years ago, I was in Atlanta, Georgia. There was this manager guy. His name was actually named Tony Chin as well, weirdly enough.

I found myself in a bathroom. He touched my butthole. Oh, my goodness. I didn't know what to do. We've never talked about this before, William. He touched your butthole? Touched my butthole. Why?

The stall was out of toilet. I don't know. I was wearing an eye patch at the time. You had an eye patch? Over your butthole? Over my butthole and over my right eye. Wow. I had... So what did you do

when he touched your butthole? I looked him in the face. I looked back and I said, please, I sort of like you. Just take it slow. Let me have some fun as well. I have hammer toe.

I can't really get on the tips of my toes. So what did you do? You wanted to have some fun as well. What did you do? you wanted to have some fun as well don't repeat this but I took a slurp out of my Coca-Cola and I looked back at him blinked

and I was like go to town if you want to I have to be honest with you I am in fact HIV positive I have two years to live with you. I am in fact HIV positive. I have two years to live. Is that true? Yeah. Who told you this? Zane?

Zane did not. Tony and I also have stock in K'nex. I don't know if y'all remember K'nex. It's a Lego offshoot. Kinect. It's a Lego offshoot. Are you talking about me or Tony Chin? I'm actually talking about my

second cousin, Patricia. How'd you get here? This is a new thing we've noticed lately where William sometimes will accuse someone in the audience of being somebody. You're saying this is your second cousin, Patricia, right here? This young lady in the very front row? Patricia, how are you?

I've been watching you since I got on stage. You have not been laughing. It's my final Kill Tony set. I've been having fun. I look down at your face just seeing a big scowl. It really throws... What can you tell us about your cousin Patricia? Is there anything interesting about her?

Any fun facts? Do you have any history with her? Nine years ago in Atlanta, Georgia, we were in a Connect Four tournament. She cheated a little bit. We were in a single room apartment building sort of in the ghetto. If you want to call it that,

that's what you called it. Just cheating somehow at Connect Four. To this day, I don't know how you do that. The guy was like, hold on, what are y'all fucking doing in here? She pulled out a pistol. I pulled up my eyepatch, winking, just like, hold on, it's all right. William, you just got a little bit lost in the eyes of Luis Che Gomez there. What happened?

What happened when you looked directly at his eyes? Luis, what throws me off is I was so looking forward to Skank Fest, you never gave me the invitation. That's not true at all. What the fuck, Luis? I can't do math! William, William, William. You are a fucking liar. Yeah. You are a

liar. You do not lie. We gave you an invite and you could not get off your Chili's job to come. That's what happened. Wait, you work at Chili's? No, it's a self-storage unit. Called Chili's. Chili's sells their Bloomin' Onions.

It really is. Outback Steakhouse normally does that, but in the storage unit, yeah, we serve fajitas. You name it, we do it. I have Q-tips on deck. For what? What do you use the Q-tips for?

Just warm water on the Q-tips. Just putting them in your eardrums. It's a good feeling. I'll be very honest. When I got the two-year period left that I'm going to live, I got a bunch of Q-tips. So, William. Shane just left. Yeah, Shane's gone.

You really pissed him off, dude. Yeah, something about the Q-tips. Two nights ago, Shane and I got in a really bad flight. A really bad what? Fight on a Delta flight. Yeah. You name it, we were doing it. Budweiser's Bud Lights.

Ecstasy tablets. LSD. This is what you and Shane Gillis were doing? Yeah, I think that's why he left. How did the night end? It ended with a... With a what? I'm kidding, that's a character I'm working on.

Just sort of... Pause it. It ended with both he and I getting thrown off the plane in Atlanta, Georgia. Me not understanding what's going on. Just wondering where Shane went. I can't hear at that point in time. I have an earache. He is on a row ahead of me.

I don't know where my head... Let me ask you something. I'm going to stop you there. Now, you're known for your incredible comedy style of just blatantly lying about absolutely everything. A lot of other people, the truth is comedy and this and that, but you seem to be sort of the exception to that rule. Tony, I'll be very honest. I've been down recently. I've been very down. I'm working

at the storage unit place. I've been fooling around with a young lady. It's been fun. I worry about her talking about her ex-boyfriends because I could never fill those shoes literally and figuratively. I have webbed feet. I can't wear a box. All right, William. William, do you ever do anything different outside of what you're comfortable with? You have a formula.

Every week, you pretty much go off on Applebee's or something. You do that every week. Is there a different version of your set? Do you ever do a more traditional set? You have jokes that you

do in a set when stuff matters. I've seen you. Because this is your last performance here at the Kill Tony show. Can I give you all a couple of my best jokes? Yeah. We've seen you. Because this is your last performance here at the Kill Tony show. Can I give y'all a couple of my best jokes? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, we've seen them. So I can get on the show later I think y'all will like these.

No, that's not how it works. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. What is the deal with people asking for shit tonight? Hey, Gus. I like it when my mom goes out of town because I get to sleep on her side of the bed Classic Classic

We love it I have a friend who's paralyzed From the waist up Which is a blessing because he's a dancer I'm white with black stripes! That's the racist zebra. Well, William, those are amazing. We've seen those classics before.

You did it again. You're working hard. You're getting development spots here at the Comedy Store. You have a big manager. I hope. I haven't been calling in after Adam. Okie dokie. You have a big-time manager, and things are going good for you.

I heard a little rumor that you might be showcasing for the Conan show, right? There's a guy named Robert Conan who I hang out with down in the sewers. No, you're lying, William. I'm currently living in the sewers. No, you're lying, William. I'm currently living in the sewers. There he goes, William Montgomery, everybody. What do you guys think? Should we go to the bucket one more time? All right.

Let's do it. One last comedian, and then we've got to end it and flip over the room because we have an amazing, exciting, sold-out legion of skanks and friends stand-up show after this. All right, your final comedian of the night. Names don't get much cooler than this. Put your hands together for Salvador De Santos. Salvador De Santos.

Salvador De Santos. And you would step back from that ledge Salvador DeSantos, everyone. Come on, it's your final comedian of the night. Make some noise. How are we doing? I'm from Mexico City, born and raised. What? Okay.

This is how Mexican I am. It took me 12 years. 12 years. After I moved here to realize that Vic Vaporru is actually pronounced Vic's Vapor Rub. Do you have any idea how many CVS's I went to asking for Vic Vaporu? You never had that shit. I thought CVS was racist because I used to go to Mexican markets. And I'd be like, excuse me, do you have any Vic Vaporu?

They'd be like, oh, 13, feel better, homie. And that was it. It wasn't until I was a senior in college that my friend Tyler came up to me and was like, hey, Sal, I'm not feeling very hot. Do you have any Vic's Vaporub? I was like, what the fuck is Vicks? Yo, CVS is unracist. I'm just a fucking pendejo.

Thank you very much, guys. Appreciate it. Salvador De Santos. Bringing it home. Welcome. This is your first time on this show, right? It is. I'd remember you.

You're like a little Mexican Wario. Great look to you. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Wariozio. Five and a half years. Five and a half years? Where at? I started in Dallas, in Texas, and then I moved over here.

How long have you been here? In the States or L.A.? Sure, both. I moved to the States in 2002, and I've been here for about a year and a half. You were in Mexico before that? Yeah, until I was 11. Wow. My God.

Aye, aye, aye. Yeah. Did you come here alone? Parents? No, with my family the whole family how many people in your family we're actually pretty small just my sister and my dad and my mom you guys do it the right way huh you do it the right way or not hell yeah dude how much you guys how much you and your family i fucking hate caravans and shit coming up here illegally you guys did it the

right way you know i'm saying how'd they do it? Trump. Trump. Trump. Wait, what? Jesus, Shane. Do you remember that day coming over? He's a human. Could you not say that word in front of my wife, please? So you were 11 years old. What do you remember about it? I remember I was actually very scared that the shit that's happening now was going to happen to me back then.

But I'm white, so I was fine. Let me ask you something. So, like, your parents told you, like, this is a big day, we are going to the land of freedom and opportunity. Like, they're like, they tell you that? But in Spanish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

Opportunidad. Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis. That's what my dad told me. All the girls say, I'm pretty fly, I'm a white guy. We're going out to America. Land of opportunity. So, do you remember anything about it?

Were you squozing into something or something like that? I was like, I knew enough English to be comfortable coming here. I thought I did, and then I got here, and then everybody... I was also Mario when I moved here. Yeah. I wasn't nervous until I got here and realized I didn't really know as much English as I thought I did.

That's crazy, because when I studied abroad in Spain, it was like the same thing. Well, I feel bad for you, because Spanish speaks so fast. Even Mexicans are like, what are you saying? Right. So you guys came. Do you know which route you took? Where did you first end up? You went straight to Dallas?

No. So we went to San Antonio for eight years. And then I went to school in New Mexico and then moved back to Dallas. Gotcha. Yeah. Gotcha. And how did your father fit in? What did he end up doing?

How did he survive? Get work? Barbecue. Bus boy. So my dad used to work for one of the biggest record labels in Mexico. And so another big Mexican record label wanted him in the States. And that's why we moved. Wow.

Yeah. That's cool. Yeah, but the biggest record label in Mexico isn't that impressive. It's all mariachi music. Nobody cares. It's all the same song Over and over And over So you guys

I actually fucking love that song Really? I do yeah Wow alright So you guys are rich You come from a rich No Well my parents

We So yeah Could you check your Fucking privilege please Huh? Please check your privilege Brown privilege They have 10 million pesos Could you check your fucking privilege, please? Huh? Please check your privilege. Brown privilege.

They have 10 million pesos. So they're well off, but not completely rich. Yeah, so he opened his own company, and then he lost the company, and so we had to come back to it. Just like that. How'd they lose the company? What happened? One bad Enrique Iglesias album.

That's all it takes. And Bezalito. Actually, you're not far off. So there was a big band called Intocable who came up with the name Intocable as the album. But the rights, somebody else had it. And so my dad got into the whole lawsuit. I don't understand. He said Menudo?

Yeah. Something like that. So what do you do for work now? Bubba Gump's from company, man. Really? With Mikey McKernan? Yeah, you know Mikey. That's incredible. You work at the one in Universal City? No, he does. I work at the one in Santa Monica.

Oh, look at you. Every time he's on, we always ask a question. If you could tell us something, like a fun fact about Forrest Gump. Maybe you have a different fact from Forrest Gump. This is always just a question that Red Band asks. I've never asked it once. Which Avenger

got discovered while they worked at Bubba Gump's? Which Avenger? I'm going to guess Batista. No. I was going to say Thor. No. Well, fuck me then. Who was it? I would say Hawkeye Whoa He's also a guardian

You're talking about The plant No Chris Pratt got this covered 20 years ago And that's why I'm still there Oh is that what they tell you guys To keep working there No No, he posts on Instagram. Oh yeah,

totally. Just keep showing up on time. Chris Pratt. He works right here at Bubba Gump. You get that cocktail sauce out quickly. That's what Chris Pratt did. I love these Forrest Gump lies that you guys get taught. We keep on learning more and more.

Unbelievable. Hell yeah. Just keep on learning more and more. Hell yeah. Just Chris Pratt just waiting tables. Oh, here's your shrimp cocktail. Oh, wait. What? You want me to play Thor? Okay.

All right. Fuck yeah. Tell us something crazy about you that we'd be shocked to know, Salvador. Oh, fuck. Shocked to know. Come on. Something about your life. Something that's happened. So, at Bubba Gump, one thing that I do. I don't sing the regular birthday songs.

I sing happy birthday in Spanish to people. No, we said shocked. Yeah. That's the most shocking thing about you is you sing happy birthday in Spanish? Dude, the most shocking thing about me... A fun fact about you, something that you think makes you different than all these other people. You have a really dumb mustache. Well, yeah, well, that's one.

Yeah, but I could say that. I'm talking about different than everybody in this room. I used to pick up girls in college doing magic. Yeah? You know any magic tricks that you could do right now? If you have a deck of cards. How about anything other than a deck of cards? Do we have a basketball?

We almost have a basketball. How about a Puerto Rican and a sword? Can you make anything happen with that? I used to teach girls magic tricks. I'd say, hey, put my penis in your mouth and watch it disappear. Bill Clinton, come on. Sorry, Hillary.

Wow. So how did that work for you? You ended up getting laid a lot from showing girls magic tricks? Yeah, I came a lot. Oh, yeah. Oh, Bill. Salvador? It worked a couple of times.

Really? It did. I was not expecting it either, but it did, man. Huh. All right. Oh, I can also say thank you in like 15 different languages. 15?

Why? Because of Bubba Gums. Oh, my God. How long have you been at Bubba Gums? A year and eight months. Yeah, it's your whole identity. Unfortunately. Yeah, you need to fucking, don't wear the T-shirt.

Stop talking about it. Stop. Oh, you are wearing a T-shirt. You can keep another T-shirt in your car. Holy shit. It's not cool. Nobody thinks it's cool. You're like, oh, this guy's a Bubba Gump guy. Nobody cares. You're Stop. You can keep another T-shirt in your car. It's not cool. Nobody thinks it's cool. You're like, oh, this guy's a Bubba Gump guy. Nobody cares.

You're right. You're right. Lewis' Hispanic ego just kicked in. What the fuck are you doing, man? You're making us look silly. It's ridiculous. He's like, everything he says, every answer is like, oh, Bubba Gump, Bubba Gump. Dude, nobody fucking cares about your dumb day job.

You're right. You're living a fucking dream. Dump this shit at home. If you're going to be obsessed with a loser that just keeps running and running and running, meet Hillary Clinton. She's right over there. Oh, shit. And I'm glad you're here.

All right, Salvador De Santos. There you go. There he goes. Salvador. Bringing it to a big end here. This episode got wacky about 35 minutes ago. Never really recovered. But here's a drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt, everybody.

Look at this. He drew all that while we were sitting here. Isn't that incredible? Guys, how loud can this place get for the great Shane Gillis' first time on the show? Big Jay Oakerson! And the Puerto Rican rattlesnake himself, Louis J. Gomez. BigJayComedy.com for tickets. He's on the road.

ShaneMGillis.com for tickets to him on the road. And Louis J. Gomez has Louis J. Gomez presents Louis J. Gomez. Very, very fun. I absolutely love it. When my brothers from New York are here, it's always a fucking super pleasure. It warms my heart.

And Shane, welcome. Welcome. So, yeah, we love you, man. Thank you so much, man. This is our L.A. family, man. Thanks for having us. I love it. Shane Gillis. Matt and Shane's secret podcast. Suck our dicks to all of our enemies. Heck, bro. We love you, man. Thank you so much, man. This is our LA family, man. Thanks for having us. I love it.

Shane Gillis. Matt and Shane's secret podcast. Suck our dicks to all of our enemies. Heck yeah. I love that. Louis J., anything else? Yeah, just check out the pods on Gas Digital. And we love Kill Tony.

Kill Tony is the fucking best live show on earth. There's nothing else. We love you guys. Thank you so much. We're going to be doing a live stand-up show after this tonight. But before that, how about we give it one more time for the great and powerful Bill Clinton, everybody. President of the United States. Jeremiah Wonders, Jeremiah Watkins, Jeremiah, Jeremiah.

Tell us more. Yeah, Melissa Villasenor is my guest on Jeremiah Wonders this week. And then I have a new merch store open at jeremiahwatkins.com. There's a Bison t-shirt there. There's the Kill Tony band calendar. And a lot of great stuff. So go check it out. Thank you.

Yes. How about a hand for Hillary Clinton everybody? You know her. You love her. Follow me at Jetski Johnson and listen to Screw Up's podcast. That's right. That's the great Jesse Johnson. She's played the

horns on here before. How about a hand for a 100% batting average tonight? Chroma Chris, Jeffrey Epstein. Yeah. shout out to Ben Landon of Landon Guitars as well as

Ernie Ball. That's right, this band is sponsored up. Epstein, Jeffrey, what did you think about tonight's episode? I was suicide,

so excited, Tony. Great. All right, one last guy. It's Nicholas Tartaglieri, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. He's on social media mostly. Sorry, it's Nicholas Tartaglieri, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.

He's on social media mostly. Sorry, he's coming to Australia with us. Sydney, Brisbane, and Melbourne at the end of October. What else? I mean, if you haven't been to Skankfest, get your shit together. Get there next year. These guys treated us so well. It's such a fun time.

Best festival in the world. I talk about it. Love you guys. Shout out to Ludwig Drums. Peace out. All the time. Skankfest really is Love you guys. Shout out to Ludwig Drums. Peace out. All the time. Skankfest really is, as every listener of this show knows, I talk about it a lot.

Some of the best stand-up comedy fans, some of the best comedy fans, one of the best experiences. Always be looking into the next Skankfest. Did I hear rumors that you guys might be going to Houston for a Skankfest? Skankfest South, March 28th, 29th, 2020. This year coming up the first time we're going out of New York City, guys. The end of March in Houston,

Texas. We have a lot of listeners there. I'm sure they're excited to find out about that. We love Houston. Yeah, we did it again, guys. Thank you so much to the live audience for being here. Ryan J. Ebelt's prints are available

at ryanjebelt.com. And yeah, get your tickets for Australia. I'm doing stand-up in West Palm Beach. We got one in Dallas in the beginning of September, and then of course, Sacramento, San Francisco, Kill Tony Mania in the middle of October. Bye, live audience. Thank you. It's in a picture right down the middle.ご視聴ありがとうございました