KILL TONY - KILL TONY #388

Episode Date: August 27, 2019

Kyle Dunnigan, Sara Weinshenk, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 08/27/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv for every past episode. And click on tour dates if you want to come see us live. Not only

are we at the world-famous Comedy Store every Monday, but we are always on the road. We are coming up October 3rd. We're going to be in Dallas. October 16th and 17th, we'll be in Sacramento. October 18th and 19th is Killmania 2 in San Francisco.

October 25th, we're going to be in Australia in Bisbane. October 26th, we're going to be in Melbourne, Australia. October 27th, we're going to be in Sydney, Australia. And November 7th, we'll be in Washington, D.C. Click on tour dates at DeathSquad.tv for all the ticket links and more information. Go to Tony Hinchcliffe's website, Tony Hinchcliffe.com. There he has his own tour dates. He's got some merch. Check out Tony Hinchcliffe.com for everything. Golden pony, Ryan J.

Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the book. He drew posters. You can go to Ryan J. Ebelt.com and last but not least shop squad. Dot TV.

There you can find everything in the death squad universe including t-shirts hats mugs go to shop squad.tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is red van coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hey, everybody. Hello and welcome live. We are live. Listen to the sound roar here at the Comedy Store.

Make some noise, everyone. We're here live on a Monday night. Yeah, there it is. Booyah. Live at the Comedy Store. Brian Redband's here, everybody. Hi, you guys. Guys, I don't know what's happening here.

Maybe it was because the sound was a little bit low. I need you guys to make some fucking noise We're live at the Comedy Store on a Monday There you go And it has begun That's where we'll start the show Brian Redband's here The great Ryan J. Ebelt is already drawing tonight's episode

This is very exciting stuff We're all over the road of course That never ends I'm going to West Palm Beach Just to do stand-up comedy in Florida next weekend. But, hey, let's break some news, shall we? This is exciting. I can't believe that we're breaking it this late, but I just found out that... Breaking news.

September 22nd is the La Jolla Quarterly episode of Kill Tony. I forgot about it too. So congratulations to you, San Diego. We're with you in just a month. We're going to be there doing Kill Tony on the 22nd of September. Then we do Dallas October 3rd with a weekend of stand-up after that. And Sacramento Kill Tony is the road to

Kill Tony Mania the 16th and 17th of October. And then Kill Tony Mania the 18th and 19th in San Francisco. We do Kill Tony in D.C. on November 7th, and then a weekend of stand-up after that. And of course, Australia, October 25th, 26th, and 27th. Brisbane, Melbourne, and Sydney, all big venues in Australia. And we don't miss a Monday. Every Monday here at our home of the Comedy Store for the last six years and three months. The Kill Tony band calendar is now available and a lot of other fun stuff. And, you know, summertime is here. And while you may be breaking out that baseball cap for a day at

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All right. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Very exciting stuff. Every single week we have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. And this week is absolutely no different. This is very exciting because this is one human's first time on this show, and it's the massive return

of one of our favorite regulars of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great Kyle Dunnigan and Sarah Weinshank. Wow. I need more from you people. There you go. Sure. Sarah Weinshank. The great Kyle Dunnigan. They are here. Kyle Dunnigan is on Lights Out with David Spade September 4th and September 12th to the 14th at the San Francisco Punchline, one of my favorite comedians on all of an app called Instagram. Yes. Absolutely hilarious human being. Welcome to the show, Kyle.

Thank you. Thank you for having me. I didn't know this was going to be, this is like really sold out and nice. And congratulations, Tony, to your success. Yeah, we are the number one live podcast in the world. Every single Monday, some of the most loyal, incredible comedy fans. Which brings me to this little firecracker right here, the return of Sarah Weinshank, everybody. One of the first ever regulars on this show.

You wrote and performed a brand new 60 Seconds every single week, and we have a huge announcement. Her Comedy Central digital show, Shanks for Smoking, debuts this Thursday, everybody. How about that? Another killer Kill Tony alumni. It's available on the CC app, YouTube, and Facebook starting this Thursday, 9 a.m. Eastern time. And she also has Shank the podcast.

Welcome back, Sarah Weinstein. Thank you so much. So excited to be here. Hell yeah. So we have you guys here. And as you know, Sarah, Kyle, I. So we have you guys here. And as you know, Sarah, Kyle, I don't know if you know this, we have a band on this show. Is that right?

Yeah. Let's meet them. They are known as the best damn band in the land. Every single episode they commit to staying in character. Maybe it's a brand new character that we've never seen before. Maybe it's the return of some of their famous characters from the past. They're one of my favorite things in all of comedy. They absolutely crack me up. Three of my funniest characters from the past. They're one of my favorite things in all of comedy. They absolutely crack me up. Three of my funniest friends on the planet.

Make some noise for the Kill Tony band, everybody. It's Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Here we go. Oh! Wow. Hello. Look at this little fairy.

Whoa! Whoa! Wow! Hello. Look at this little fairy. Whoa. Wow. We know this guy. One of the most famous characters in the history of the show. It's Fumnar. Wow. This crowd is on a seven-second delay if I've ever seen one in my life.

Just very mellow, very Indica audience here on this Monday night. Thumbnair, what's going on, man? Welcome back. It is I, your favorite woodland creature, Mr. Thumbnair. Mr. Thumbnair is here, live, and in the house. What's been going on, Mr. Thumbnair? It's been a while since we've seen you last. I had a relationship with a fox. Didn't go well.

I slept with a badger. You know, this Tinder game is rough. Wow. Very sexual. Next to you, we have what appears to be a... What are you again? Go ahead. Say it, Tony.

What am I? A gay fairy? I don't know. What is it? My name is Tickerdale. Tickerdale? Sure. Okay, Tickerdale.

All right. And clearly back here we have a full-blown Mexican fairy. Incredible. Never seen anything like it. How are you? Tony, my name is Derek. Good to be back. Wait, what? I'mown Mexican fairy. Incredible. Never seen anything like it. How are you? Tony, my name is Derek. Good to be back. Wait, what?

I'm a straight fairy. I love pussy. Back to you. I don't know. That sounds suspicious. I just love it so much. All right. That's what these wings are for.

They fly me to and fro from pussy. Wow. A horny bunch of fairies and Mr. Fumnar been fucking beavers out there in the woods. It's legal where I come from. Wow. Alright. So we got, we have

woodland creatures. We have Kyle, Sarah. We have Red Band and the Magical Soundboard, which brings me to this. The Bucket of Destiny, ladies and gentlemen. The backbone of the show, filled with names of people that signed up beforehand. Anything can happen. Maybe it's a brand-new comedian.

Maybe it's someone that we've met before. If I pull your name out of the bucket, that means you get 60 seconds of uninterrupted stage time. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Afterwards, we interview you, find out more about you, about your life, maybe ask you some personal questions.

The truth is always going to set you free. You guys ready to start this show? It's Kill Tony, live from the Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip. All right. And just like that, the magic will begin. Oh, Mr. Fum... Whoa! Look at Mr. Fumnar. Wow. Look at that beautiful, giant saxophone.

Mr. Fumnar, did you learn how to play the saxophone when you were in the woods, or did you learn that in any of your time in the city? Yes, there was a lute player that captured me for a while, and I learned the woodwinds. There you go.

You never know. All right. Okay. You guys ready to start tonight's show? All right. I'm going to tell you something right now. I know a good episode when I, always at the start. This guy has been on the show at least twice, has always made a huge impact.

You may recognize him as the guy who had a pet snake before getting a job, before having a stable place to live. He tied the snake via a rope to a chair, and his roommate made him get rid of the snake. The whole thing's crazy. It's always interesting. Put your hands together for the return of Osiris Henry, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Snake on a Rope himself. Love this guy.

Come on, guys. It's the start of the show. One more time from Osiris Henry. Let's get into it. I appreciate it. Thank you. So generous with that. Thank you. So I'm getting into a new hobby right now. Some of you might have heard about it. It's called urban camping. Nobody? No? It's starting to get really big right now. So you might want to jump in before the wave takes off, okay?

It's going to be bigger than Coachella and fanny packs combined. So it's going to be huge, all right? This is why, okay? It lets you get super intimately familiar with L.A., all right, which is like the best thing ever. So in my example, let me tell you, two months I've been living without locks, right? So by intimate, what I mean is you don't really, you think about where you can camp in LA and you generally can't masturbate. So when you dream, you dream about places that you can get away with sleeping in parking lots.

And so when you wake up, you wake up with a pitch tent and some man yelling at you saying, no, excuse me, sir, this is not your house. So you can't live here all day. You're going to need to go. Thank you so much. And you can just keep it moving. Thank you so much. Appreciate it. There you go. Osiris Henry.

Now, this is your guys' first time probably seeing him, but let me tell you, this is the best set he's ever had on Keltoni. Holy shit. Kyle, probably seen him, but let me tell you, this is the best set he's ever had on Kill Tony. Holy shit. Kyle, any initial thoughts on seeing Osiris? I like the look

a lot. That's important. You gotta have a good look, and you have that. Thank you so much. There's that. I like your... You live outside? He looks more like a woodland creature than the woodland creatures. Yeah, recreationally.

Okay. So you're talking about yourself? Living, but yes, I thrive in the outdoors. Mr. Fumnar. I like how homeless people are starting to call outdoor living urban camping now have you ever ran into this guy out there in the

woodlands Mr. Fumnar have I seen them yes actually I have I bet you have he went on a few trips on mushrooms out there and I stumbled upon him a couple times you didn't say what's up? Osiris. Shut the fuck up.

Let us just Sarah Weinshank, initial thoughts on Osiris. Is that like a bootleg Winnie the Pooh shirt? Or? This is Quasimodo who is a significant individual out here in LA culture I believe.

Quasimodo? Isn't he a hunchback? That's another Quasimodo. Oh, shit. I don't know about this urban camping quasi. Oh, yeah, he finds you. You don't find him. Sick. Wow.

Unlike any employer. So, Osiris, let's get right into it. The comedy is still as great as it's always been. What's going on in your normal life? That's always the most interesting stuff about you is the stuff that you don't talk about. Let's figure it out. What's been happening lately? What's your living situation still the same?

So, well, in between places right now now so currently looking for a place while mostly just saving on rent and um getting a great care um and then i really i'm trying to secure a job because i just had a job over the summer and so it's harder to find a job right now or so you had a job but you don't have a job anymore no No. Right. What was the job? I was working at a summer camp. Yeah? What the fuck were you doing at a summer camp? I was trying to keep my

resume looking tip-top. I was trying to keep just, it was a job, and it... What was the job exactly? What were you doing oh it was a summer camp and I was watching kids make sure they stay safe I don't think you should be watching

kids why is that you're a guy that at one point thought it was safe to tie your snake to a chair on a rope it ended up getting loose around your apartment your roommate made you leave previously to that I think you said that the snake was was friends with a dog or It ended up getting loose around your apartment, and your roommate made you leave. Previously to that job. I think you said that the snake was friends with a dog or something, right?

Yeah, but it didn't really get along with the dog so well. You remember any of this, Osiris? Right, but I don't worry with kids that small. Right. I'm not saying that they would get near the snake. Wow, we're talking about a couple different things here. Really hard to interview someone who's not present. Apologize for that.

It's okay. So, Osiris, you would watch the kids? You were the responsible one out of the bunch? Well, I mean, we didn't, like, we weren't, it wasn't like every day we'd try to figure out who was the most responsible one, but... I probably would have put myself on the top of the list.

I don't know about them, though. So how did this job at a summer camp end? Because I got some news for you. It's still summer. Tony, Tony, we're woodland creatures, and this guy has me going, is this dude real? woodland creatures and this guy has me going is this dude real what how did that end i mean i wish i had a joke they just don't have ac

at the school so it just gets too hot for the kids do you like they don't do you like your kids more dread or alive dread or alive Because you have dreadlocks. You don't have to answer that, Osiris. Am I even here? So what's the plan? Is this audience even here? We don't know yet. Okay. Osiris, over here, buddy.

Over here, Osiris. So where have you been sleeping? So, like, everywhere until someone finds me. Like, I don't like to, like, throw out the location, because homeless people are, like, like, it's like you get one, and it's like a steady stream until you get a flood. So when they see me, I can't be telling people my spot. He's in bunk seven still.

Sorry. Just living at the camp. Never mind. Oh, gotcha. How many homeless people are listening to this? You don't want to give out your spots because you're afraid that the homeless people are going to take your spot? They're called comedians, Sarah. There's many of them here. Mr. Fumnar.

Very efficient. You'd be surprised. Wow. So what's one of the, according to you, what's one of the strangest places that you've slept that you never will again? You said you slept everywhere until someone finds you. What's a weird place for you to where even you're like, wow, this is pretty shady? Or does it just become the shady ones you get there? So, okay, there was in Pasadena, like, he really, I thought I was going to get anally searched.

Anally searched. Anally searched? What happened there? Tell me about it. I mean, I don't know what they told him I was doing, but I was just asleep. And the next thing I wake up, and he's telling me to do 20 things at the same time, and I'm trying to pick one to do. And he's like, you need to listen, or you're going to end up naked. And I was like, okay. Were you driving?

I was just camping at a rich neighborhood. So I don't camp in the rich neighborhoods. Those are the ones that give you issues. Right, yeah, because you don't fit in so well there, huh? I guess I haven't heard of urban camping. I should just bring avocados. Man, nothing you say works. It's almost incredible.

You ever think about doing whatever the opposite is of what you're going to say? Let's try it. Let's try an experiment. That would take a long time. Okay. I'm going to ask you a question and you try to be funny. Hey, over here. Same problem. If you don't start answering

these questions right, you're going to end up naked. You understand me? So here we go. All right. Now, I'm going to ask you naked. You understand me? So here we go. Now, I'm going to ask you a question. I want you to try to be funny. You ready? And then I'm going to do something else, and we're going to experiment another way. You ready? Okay, so

what's... I noticed you have a hat attached to your back. What's the story with that hat? Where'd you get that from? Nom. Okay, hold on, wait. No, we don't need that now. Let the tension build.

All right, he's heating up. That was actually pretty good. Now let me ask you something. On that one, did you think about it and then think of what the opposite is? That's exactly what I did. I really appreciate that. I can't even do a fucking anything with you, dude.

It's unbelievable. You already fast-forwarded. I was about to answer. I was like a fucking anything with you, dude. It's unbelievable. You already fast forwarded. I was about to answer. I was like, wait, hold up. Yeah. And it worked. Yeah, it worked. But they didn't.

They didn't really laugh, though. No, they did. Oh, okay. They did. Now I'm going to ask you again now, all right? Now I want you to think for a second about what the opposite of Vietnam is. Okay. Ready?

Here we go. Hey, what about that hat? Where did you get that hat? Legoland. Actually, I do like the back story of getting that hat at Legoland. For some reason I'm laughing. It was better. Because it leads me to believe that since

he works at children's camps that he just stole it off a disabled kid at Legoland. Do you ever sleep with a homeless woman and how is her hygiene? Wow, two questions at once. Fantastic question. For a guy that can't handle one question, you're really piling it on

Brian. You know, I'll say most of the women in the homeless community are not the, how shall I say? They're crazier than normal women. It's not very hard is what I'm trying to say with the most respect to them. They're easy. It's easy to fuck a homeless woman. Nothing would be easy for me in that respect. But I will say I'm not.

What does that mean? What does that mean? I haven't tried, so I don't know. So I can't say. That would be me assuming a little too much. So the answer is no. No, I haven't slept with any homeless women. I'm sorry.

I'm trying to be very respectful in my answering. All right, well. That was a mistake, and I didn't think about it. Big bush, stinky bush, easy to sleep with a homeless woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go.

Working at the camp, feeling like a stamp, I'm going to have sex with that lady cause she's living on the streets. Oh, yeah, yeah. Bra, bra, da, da, da. There you go. have sex with that lady cause she's living on the streets. Ay-yi-yi-ya. Bra-bra-ba-da-da. There you go. And with that,

ladies and gentlemen, there goes Osiris Henry getting the show started. Let's just keep it moving along. He's on Twitter at Osiris Henry. And the show has begun. Hey, look, everybody.

It's David Deary, everyone. Wow. Oh, he's touching us as he walks by. How exciting. How about a hand for the band? They're here. They're present. Shirtless. Okay, this

looks like a new name. Let's see what happens here. Put your hands together for Dan Veer. Dan Veer. Here he comes. Here comes Dan Veer, everybody. Come on, one more time for Dan Beer. How you guys doing? I'm pretty tired right now.

I don't know about you guys, I fall asleep like every day. When I fall asleep, I like to keep the TV on, you know, I like to watch something. And it's usually pretty cool, but I've been dreaming about what's been on the TV lately. Which sounds fun, but it's really like ruined movies for me. Like, I can't watch Step Brothers anymore because I spend the entire night running away from John C. Reilly because he thought I touched his

drum set. He's like, I know you touched it, you fucker! There's one rule of the house, and you broke it! I can't watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall anymore. The entire time, Russell Brand's just trying to have a threesome. Or like an orgy. He's like, alright, this side of the room, you're gonna get all naked, all

of you. We're gonna go on a conquest of the clearest. You over there, you're gonna pull your titties out right. I love to fall asleep watching ESPN, though. It's basically just being read a lullaby by a chain smoker. He's just, brought to you by a terrible scent. Okay, Dan Veer.

I remember you, Dan. Last time you were on, we found out that you do voices and impressions, right? Yeah, I did Arnold, Walken, and Bush to start off, and you were not happy. And then what was the breakthrough there? The breakthrough was different things. Charles Barkley, Russell Brand, the Coors Light beer commercial guy. Yeah, we loved the Coors Light beer commercial guy, right? Can you give this audience an example of that?

Well, just take yourself and put yourself on that Rocky Mountain road. That's very good. Why don't you sit back and relax on the road to your next DUI? I love it. That's exactly what the last comedian does all the time. He relaxes right by the road.

Wow. So, Dan, how long have you been doing stand-up? Like two years now. Two years. All of it in Los Angeles? I started at Arizona State just with like one open mic and like 30 of my friends showed up. Arizona State, the home starting place of the great Stephen Brody Stevens, the late great. Yeah. Arizona.

Arizona. So two years you've been doing that. Now you live in L.A. How long have you lived here? I lived in the same house for two years. It's pretty cool. I've been running a comedy show out of my backyard and everything for a year now. Oh, very cool.

Have you ever gone out to your backyard to start the show and you noticed Osiris Henry was back there sleeping? Doing some urban camping. I mean, my house is kind of like a crash house. It's always been kind of like the flop house where everybody comes. Has anyone ever told you that you look like the Undertaker's little brother, Kane? You told me that last time I was here.

Did I ever tell you that you seem like you'd be the youngest pastor at one of those mega churches? No. I would love that. Yeah, that's my new one. Wow. Sometimes I watch that and I dub it over with a Gilbert Gottfried voice. Really?

What does that sound like? How about all of you over there, give me all your money. It's just going to be one big pool. I'm going to throw it at you. No, no, no. That sounds more like Gilbert Gottfried's agent than Gilbert himself. Wow. I'm still a little like, I feel's agent than Gilbert himself. Wow. I'm still a little like, I feel like I'm a little nasally.

I still have like a little hangover from the party. We just threw the show that I run last Saturday. You're still hungover? I buy a keg and it's free beer. So I drink a lot like throughout the show. How many beers do you think you had? Probably around like 15 or 16. Throughout like five hours, though.

Wow. So what'd you do yesterday? You must have been really hungover yesterday. I went to work Sunday night, and I was struggling. I work as a server. What do you do for work? Oh, as a server.

So you went in hungover. You know, pretty standard. Yeah. Mr. Fumnar. Sometimes I get drunk off of the hummingbird nectar that rich folk leave outside. Wow. I will confidently bomb all night.

I know. It's a tight crowd tonight. I like it. Letting us really know where we stand. So, Dan, what else has been going on? Tell us something about you or your life that we would be surprised to know that we didn't find out last time. Any fun facts about you? I played Division I football at Arizona State when I was there, so that was pretty chill.

Got a lot of friends from that that are in the NFL now, so that's kind of cool. Yeah. Offensive line? Yeah. He actually just retired, though. He was in the league for three years with the Bengals, Christian Westerman. But there's a couple people. Demarius Randall, he went to Arizona State.

He's on the Browns now. Other than your college football days, what else about you? What do you like to do for fun now? For fun now, I just hang out with my friends. I mean, I have three other brothers. I'm pretty close with all them. Two of them are chiropractors. One of them is living with me in my house.

So it's like two of them are chiropractors one of them is living with me in my house so it's like two of them went like the doctoral route and then me and him went the entertainment industry route what does the brother that you live with do? he's a writer and director he's trying to like basically just get a couple scripts read so an urban camper

we have a house you know but yeah I mean I just I work a lot I do comedy a lot there's a you know but yeah I mean I just I work a lot I do comedy a lot open mics a lot I just started following him on Instagram

and it's fucking hilarious man nice thank you your Jeff Goldblum impression the one with like Ray Liotta coming in yes yes yes yes yes that's what it was

it was Ray Liotta we were talking about today yeah oh Ray Liotta cause De Niro's on that that's great I did I tried to do one of those face swap videos, too, about the Popeye's chicken sandwich. Which one was better?

What face were you swapping with? I started off with Obama, and then I did... That's racist. Wow. Yeah, people tell me that was... You black face swapped? That's incredible. It was like the same color as my face, though.

We've noticed that your impressions are either amazing or really like 15% effort. Can we hear a little bit of this Barack Obama of yours? I believe the American people deserve to know the results of the election. That's pretty good. That's all right. Sounds like a white guy doing Obama. Right. So it's not, you know, I'm not.

I did Bernie Sanders. Oh, okay. Let's hear some of this Bernie Sanders. This is a new one. This is probably going to be bad. Mr. President Trump, I think we all need to stop worrying about these big chicken sandwiches, these wonderful chicken sandwiches. And remember the little spicy chicken nuggets at Wendy's.

It's funny that you, again, this is what we found out last time, is the ones that you think are bad are the good ones, and the ones you think are good, like you went right into Obama like, watch this, idiot. We're like, no. That was what started... Maybe you should just always lower the bar. This is going to

totally suck. I feel like my better impressions are the niche ones that no one gets. And you're like, do the niche ones. That's what you told me last time. Do the niche ones. So I've been doing John C. Reilly a lot. Oh, let's hear John C. Reilly. That's what I started with. That was really good. You did that. I totally was paying attention.

What do you think? What do you think? It's one rule. The house. Wow. It's just like cool case files. It's just like cool case files. Wow.

God, it's very good. It's just this. Oh, boy. You got Red Band trying bad impressions now, too. It's incredible. So who else? What else have you been working on? I've been trying to...

I just got, like, my premise for introducing all these comedians was, like, falling asleep to the TV and everything, so I've been trying to, like, stack on with that and, like, other shows

that I could do. And I did the Charles... I'm doing, like, a Charles Barkley Ancient Aliens bit where, like, if Charles Barkley was being interviewed

about, like... In the 1995 movie Space Jam, Charles Barkley's powers were stolen from him when Bugs Bunny and Michael Jordan made a bet for the century. Yeah, that's bad. All right. That's like the intro to it. And then it's just Charles Barkley being like, that's just crazy, man. How did I get taken by all them aliens?

That's just a terrible, terrible time for me. I don't know about you guys, but it was knucklehead. I'm terrible. Have you ever thought about just doing actual blackface and walking around in a Charles Barkley jersey and just introducing yourself to people as Charles Barkley? Like going to Starbucks, getting a drink, and they're like, your name?

It's so funny. My girlfriend's like, she's very PC. And she's like, as soon as I released that video, she's just like, oh, honey. That doesn't, that's not the best look. Lever. She sounds boring. I think the fairy has some alternate motives with you in the back. I said I like pussy, all right?

You've told me that for centuries. Oh, man. You are a master impressionist, Kyle Dunnigan. You have any advice for this young impressionist? Well, I think you do have a good ear for it, and you do really good impressions. Advice? keep trucking. Is that good?

Yeah, that's good. Keep trucking. Keep trucking. Yeah. I think he's telling you to follow a career path in the trucking industry, an 18-wheeler or something like that. Just keep trucking like the Grateful Dead. Now, you said you had

Brothers who were chiropractors Have they told you any tips That you could maybe tell us? I mean Depending on what your problems are I would say don't crack your neck by yourself Don't be the guy that's like It's not good for you

But you know how to crack somebody's neck? Not really They go to school for like Seven years just to be able to do that. I wouldn't trust anybody who isn't my brother or a certified chiropractor. Something completely embarrassing about you that you would be disappointed that you admitted on a live podcast. Oh, man. I have three older brothers, so there's like so many things. Oh, man. I have three older brothers, so there's, like, so many things.

One time in high school at an assembly, I was crossing the stage, and a kid pantsed me. And I had, like, a laptop in my hand, so, like, I held the laptop because I couldn't drop the laptop and pull my hands up. So I'm, like, holding the laptop over my body while I'm, like, somebody pull my pants up. Somebody pull my pants up. I'm holding the laptop over my body while I'm like, somebody pull my pants up! Somebody pull my pants up! Can you do that as Obama? Can you do it? I believe we have a national emergency. There you go. In the moment. I believe we have a national emergency. There you go.

There you go. In the moment. All right, Dan Veer, his return to kill Tony. There you go, Dan Veer. Appreciate it. Dan Veer. There he goes. Dan Veer.

Hell yeah. Kyle, is anyone that you've done a voice to ever contact you, like Kim Kardashian? Yeah, the Kardashians made a video. Oh, wow. I made a video that was like, we're mad at you. Yeah, we're mad at you. And then they made one. And I know Bill Maher's heard it and not happy about it.

That's great. You people. That's so cool. I pulled another name out. This is definitely a You people. That's so cool. I pulled another name out. This is definitely a new name. This should be interesting. Put your hands together for Pauly Wally. I would remember that one if I've seen it before.

And I hope you do. Here comes Pauly Wally, ladies and gentlemen. Because it's even magic. Hey, one more time for Pauly Wally. Yeah. So, speaking of transgenders. Okay, listen.

You got these gay guys who live their whole lives as gay men. And then one day they decide they want to chop off their dick, get fake tits, and become women. And they still end up with guys who want to fuck them in the ass. Okay, listen, I love everybody, and I think everybody should be who they want to be, but here's my issue with transgenders, okay? They think that somehow God fucked up and put them in the wrong body, but God doesn't fuck up anything. I mean, take really

ugly people as an example. God made them because we need to have ugly people in the world to make the rest of us look better. Okay, like another example, take retards, okay? Some people might think that God made a mistake with them, but obviously he didn't. I mean, if God didn't create retards, who would greet you when you walked into Walmart? Pauly Wally, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, thank you. I don't believe in magic anymore. I'm going to be honest with you.

I fucking loved it. There's something about it. It wasn't funny at all, but it's brutally honest. It's absolutely filled with hate. It could use some punch up, but it's brutally honest. It's absolutely filled with hate. It could use some punch-up, but it's very compelling material. It's definitely original. I haven't heard any of the professional comedians that I work around talking about anything like that. Can you do that as Obama? Wait, what did you say?

No, I'm not the Obama. Yeah. I love it. Mr. Fumnar. Can I just say I am half God, half deer, and I was offended. Wow. Wineshanks, is this your first time seeing Pauly Wally? Yeah, this is my first time seeing Pauly Wally.

I like the Star of David necklace. I just feel like if you're going to go the direction you went, you've got to have some punchlines in there. I completely disagree. I think just more hate, more pro-God, pro-God anti-human material. I mean, it's completely original and sometimes that's what matters the most. How long have you been doing stand up?

Like a year and a half. Year and a half. All of it here in Los Angeles? Yeah. How often do you go up? You work hard at it? Yeah I do. Yeah. Five times a week. What's your day job? I just got fired. You got fired? Wow.

Who would guess that karma would hit you like that? Can you stop saying retard in our library? Yeah, I told the kid I'd kill him, so I think that might be part of it. I think he might have repeated that. Where did you tell a kid that? What was that? Yeah. What happened?

I babysit. I don't know. You was that? I babysit. You babysit. I babysit. Shaping the youth of America. What happened? The kid was a fucking maniac. These kids in LA are so fucking spoiled. I was always on the verge

of this. He did not listen to me. Last time I saw him, on the verge of this. He did not listen to me. He literally last time I saw him I told him. Stop. You were on the verge of what? I wanted to. You wanted to what? You have to finish the fucking sentence. We don't

know what the rest of your brain is thinking of. So what? Strangling. You were thinking of strangling. I was thinking it. I didn't do it. How old's this kid? Six. Six years old. Six year old. A little boy.

Six year old boy. Yeah, it doesn't mean shit. And you were thinking about strangling him. Here, stand between Mr. Fumnar and Kyle. You're getting way too close. So what type of stuff would the six year old do In which you would even think about strangling him Literally I told him no more crackers

He couldn't eat any more crackers He grabs the crackers Not like letting me see Brings them over in his hand and says I just licked all these crackers He's six years old That's what six year olds do You know what babies are? I babysit No manners He's six years old. Yeah. That's what six-year-olds do. Red Band does that in age 45.

I babysit, okay? No manners. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotcha. Mr. Fumnar. I actually know a bear in the woods that can handle this situation properly. Okay. Yeah?

So Pauly Wally, what was the problem with him licking the crackers? They're his crackers. No, they weren't. I told him to save them for his sister. Oh, so you babysit two kids. Yeah, well, four. They told me two, but then I was babysitting more. She has every right to murder him.

Now that I hear the story. He licks crackers. Deserves death. How long have you been babysitting kids for? Like 15 years. 15 years, wow. We have the 15-year veteran babysitter. We have Osiris working summer camps.

And we wonder why there's school shootings regularly. Mind-boggling. So you've never disciplined any of these kids before? I wanted to. Right. If they gave me permission to hit this kid, he needs to be... Okay. You can hit our kid, just FYI.

You threatened to kill the kid and then you got fired? Is that what happened? Yeah, but I don't think... I don't know. You don't think that's why? It could be. Listen, there's multiple reasons. There's multiple options.

What else did you do? Well, I told the mom, I was like, your kid's a dick. Wow. I was like, I don't know how to deal with him. What did she say about that? She was like, I know he's a dick. She actually told me. Yeah.

And she's like, I'll come in on Tuesday and I'll stay with you. And then today I got a message from him saying, we don't need you anymore. I'm like, why? Yeah. What did they say? And he said, the kids are going to school. Oh, yeah, okay. That's a big dick that you just did that with.

Yeah, that was... That's very girthy. I did this. I thought you were hanging around six-year-old boys, and then you pull out a handjob like that. Oh, shit. All right, she might be into black guys. You must have been hanging out with deers again.

With what deers? Oh, are deers known for their... Giant cocks. Wow. That's incredible. Pauly Wally, if you could create a dream guy in a machine, what would it look like? A black Jew. Really?

A black Jew? 100%. Really? I have a song about it. Really? About black Jews? Yeah. Can we hear some of your song?

Yeah, that's what I do. Yeah. It goes like this. It goes, I don't want no goy boy. I want a Jew toy. I want a Jew toy. And then it goes at the end, I don't want no goy boy. I want a black Jew toy.

I want a black Jew toy. Oh, boy. Wow. I'm actually looking for a cameo right now. Oh, boy. Wow. I'm actually looking for a cameo right now. I don't understand the words that she just said in the native tongue,

but I am angry regardless. What is it about a black Jewish guy that you fantasize about? I mean, what are we talking about here? The kind of guy that will steal somebody's wallet and then not spend any of the money that he gets? I mean, what exactly is it about? He's good with money. He wears his yarmulke backwards. But he's a little hood.

That was really good. Wow. That deserved a real Joel Berg chant there. But again, this audience is out of it tonight. I like it, though. So, Polly Wally. Have you ever been with a black Jewish man? Have you ever met one? No. Where are they at? Right. I don't know.

I don't really meet them. I think after building the pyramids, they just disappeared. I don't know. They see me coming, and they're like, Black Jews are as mythical as me and these fairies on stage. My goodness. Wow.

That's incredible. So you're out there looking for like a star of David Robinson or something like that. Pretty much. My goodness. Or an Israeli. Wow. That's incredible. One of those.

Ahava Nigila. Ahava. Ahava Nigila. A haba nigila. I can't believe it. I love it. I love it. I can't believe you just made that joke. I love it.

The black guy's laughing. This guy seems like he could be black and Jewish, sort of, right? Yeah, what do you think about that guy over there in the yellow shorts? Black guy? He doesn't look Jewish. Well, I don't want him to look Jewish. He's brown and Canadian. It's the best

we could do. What are we talking about here? Brown, Canadian, black, Jewish, apples and oranges. You know what I mean? Yeah. I love it. Well, Polly Wally, I Jewish, apples and oranges. You know what I mean? Yeah. I love it. Well, Polly Wally, I mean, I have about 700 more questions for you, but we've got to keep it moving on. Hopefully you'll sign up again and share some.

Mr. Fumnar? Yes, she's dressed like an item that you would find in a Long Island City claw machine. That's absolutely true. You know what? I do have one more question that I have to ask because I have to know. When you said that you have a song, right? And then you did that song. When you say you have a song, what does that mean? What do you do

with that song? I make music videos. You make music videos? I rap and I make music videos. Oh, shit. How long have you been rapping for? Are you as bad at it as you are at babysitting I think I'm better What's your YouTube page It's youtube.com

Slash Polly Wally Wow I thought you were just going to say youtube.com And end it there My mind was about to be blown Polly Wally P-O-L-L-Y-W-O-L-L-Y Well there you go Everybody's going to go check it out right now.

Oh, wow, look at that. There it is. I thought it was YouTube.com slash transgenders just don't get it. I like that one. All right, there you go. PollyWolly, ladies and gentlemen. We're flying through it tonight. Wow.

This is amazing The people that we meet on this show Are just incredible I gotta see I gotta see more of her material I mean that was the minute that she chose For her first time on Kill Tony People born gay that turn into women and they still get fucked in their butt anyway.

And God, I don't know. All right. It's a lot to process. It really is. I'm still processing urban camping. Imagine for a moment the stuff that Polly Wally thinks of that she doesn't share with an entire

room of people. Alright, pull another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Jose Raymond everyone. Jose Raymond. Step back from that ledge. I wish that you would step back from that ledge I wish that you would step back From that ledge, my friend Okay.

Blacklisted. We're going to keep it moving on here. Pauly Wally choked him out. Yeah. That's probably a black Jewish guy that's running for his life right now. Okay, how about Raphael De Camargo? Hey now.

Raphael. Oh, step back from that ledge, my little friend. Step back from that ledge. One more time for Raphael.

I've been gaining weight And I've been getting a lot of shit from my family Who all lives in Brazil And once a year I'll hit up my grandma to be like Hey I still love you and I still think about you always And I miss you and I'm sorry I've been so busy This year she responded with Hey I saw a photo of you doing stand up

Are you getting fatter? I was like yeah thanks for pointing it out And then she was just like You know you don't have to be fat to be a comedian right? I was like yeah you don't have to be able to be a bitch Like shut up I didn't get a response And then a year

A couple weeks went by And I got a package in the mail. It's two pounds of my favorite Brazilian chocolate. Made it through the first pound. There was a note. So I picked it up, and I said, who's the bitch now? And it was me. Never went back on my diet. And that's it.

That's all I got. Thank you, guys. Okay. Moment. Raphael De Camargo, ladies and gentlemen. That was a good Polly Wally palate cleanser. Yeah. We needed that.

Thank you. It definitely was. More jokes, less hate from you than the last comedian. It's the first time we've had a goth Eric Cartman on this show before. That's exciting. I've always wondered what that would look like. Welcome to the show. It's your first time, right? Second time. Oh, really?

What happened the first time? Can you remind us of any highlights that we found out? I talked about being circumcised when I was eight. Oh, boy. A late circumcision. That was traumatic. Talked about that. I'm from Brazil. Don't really watch soccer. That's what they asked me.

The circumcision at eight years old, that happened in Brazil? Happened here. So the doctor, when I was born, my mom was uncomfortable with it. So she was like, no circumcision. She was uncomfortable with your foreskin? With them touching me, with them giving me the operation. Oh, wow. So then when I moved to the States, I was eight, and the doctor was like,

probably be a good idea. So she was like, all me the operation. So then when I moved to the States, I was eight, and the doctor was like, probably be a good idea. So she was like, all right. Wow. Jesus. Did they cut it off like Fogo de Chão? Hey, I like that. Brazilian circumcision. That's funny.

You have to flip your coin over to green when you're ready for it. Whatever you want some more. That's incredible. So that must be sort of traumatizing. Did that scar you for life? Sometimes I have trouble peeing in public restrooms, yeah. Really? Wow.

How about with girls? Are you ashamed for girls to see it? Nope. I have a pretty cool scar, so I get to be like, hey, check this out. Really? Prove it. Really? Yeah.

Wow. Girls love a scarred up I love a dick scar it gets me wet yeah Sarah

it's more texture it's actually cool oh my god red band alright so you've been getting fatter is what

the backbone of what you were talking about yeah I've gained about 70 pounds the last two years is there a reason like what

have you started eating something different well it started when I started doing comedy I just outlaid eating at bars I've gained about 70 pounds the last two years. Is there a reason? Have you started eating something different? Well, it started when I started doing comedy. I was just out late eating at bars, waking up later than I usually do, not having time to prepare meals.

Yeah, you read my book. So yeah, just not really properly taking care of myself. Woo! How to be a trash can. My goodness. So, Rafael, what do you do for work? I'm a server at two different places. Uh-huh.

You eat a lot of the food that... Yeah, it's very convenient. Yeah. I eat a lot while I'm working. That's fun. Two different places huh yep so you're working sometimes doubles and long long days uh no mostly just nights so uh i switch it out like every other day between the two places very interesting and your love life how's that going yeah not going at all. Really? Last date you went on, what happened there? I haven't been on a date. I had sex with my upstairs neighbor a few months ago.

Oh, that's very interesting. Can you give us a little breakdown of the timeline of that? Like, how did that happen? You helped her carry in her groceries, started snacking on your way in, and she's like, if you're going to eat that, you've got to eat this neighbor pussy. And you're gonna eat that you gotta eat this neighbor pussy and you're like let's fucking do this chick i got a fucking scar on my dick you gotta see i uh i woke up uh they're they're like drinking upstairs and i woke up because they're talking about joey diaz like very loudly and i was just like oh they're having a comedy conversation so

i went outside to smoke a cigarette and they were like hey man come drink with us and uh yeah after a while like her roommates went away and it was just me and her and then we ended up yeah having sex wow oh my goodness yeah three's company over here that's incredible so uh how did that sort of break down like you guys started making out and then what uh no, she was like, hey, come talk to me in my room. And then when we went to her room, she goes, can I see it? No. That was the magic words that she said? She was like, can I see it? And so I was like, yeah, sure. And it was like

flaccid and she just grabs my dick out of my pants. She was like, yeah, it's pretty nice. And I was like, yeah, check out this cool scar. What? Do you have like a legend around your apartment building? Like you have the elephant man of dicks or something? Did she start sucking it?

Yeah, she did. Did you have like server dick? Was it a little swampy? Oh, Jesus. I had gotten home and showered by then. I mean, perspiration from sleeping, but nothing like intensive. Now when you want to fuck, do you send her an eggplant and a knife emoji? When she was giving you a blowjob, at any point, did you call her Scarface?

So, wow. So she started sucking it, and then how long does that go on for? That went on for about two minutes, and then she laid on the bed, and she was like, I want you inside me. Who is this girl? Are you sure this wasn't a guy? Drinking heavily, talking about Joey Diaz. What the fuck?

Down to fuck a guy who gains weight very fast. Red Band needs this address. She's a comedy fan. Was this my girlfriend? Mr. Fumnar. Next question. Did you raw deer her? Yeah, no protection for you, right?

She asked me in the middle. She's like, yeah, I think I have condoms in my car. And I was like, well, we're already here, so. Melted condoms. Melted? Of course. You think condoms last in LA 120 degrees? Those are not good condoms.

Oh, my goodness. Is it weird now? Like, do you have to sear in the complex? Do you have the mailbox together? What's the vibe? It was weird shortly after because the next day she was like, hey, do you want to come up and hang out? And I said, no, I have stuff I got to go do. I told her I was going to go shower and stuff.

And then I'm just like. Oh, yeah, busy day of showering. I got to shower and take off. And then 15 minutes goes by. I'm just like, oh, yeah, busy day of showering. I got to shower and take off, and then 15 minutes goes by, and I'm just sitting on my phone, and then I get a text message like, yeah, we can usually hear the shower when it's running from upstairs.

And I was like, oh, man, I'm fucked. How do you ghost your upstairs neighbor? I don't know. Why would you want to fuck her again? I can't imagine what this thing must look like. Yeah. Does it smell? It was a drunken mistake, man.

Yeah. Yeah. Wow, that's incredible. So, my goodness, that's incredible. So, is it uncomfortable now when you see her? No, now we're cool. Yeah. It just needed some time.

She's seeing some other dude that she brings around, so I feel like there's no animosity or anything. You've been there. You've done that. Yeah. I love it. That's so fun. Well, Raphael, very fun times, fun set, good interview.

Got the show on track. He's on Instagram at the underscore Raphael underscore De Camargo. D-E-C-A-M-A-R-G-O. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? Wow. These guys really like it when comedians do good. How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? That's almost 50-50.

50-50. These are good people. That's why they've been pretty tight all night. Quiet, yeah. It's interesting. All right. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Alex Holliday, everyone. Alex Holliday. Oh, yeah. It's interesting. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Alex Holliday, everyone. Alex

Holliday. Oh, God, he's jumping. Here he goes, all the way from the lucky corner straight over. This is the best of all. I'll put this back here.

Got any dog people here tonight? Oh, yeah. I love put this back here. Got any dog people here tonight? Oh, yeah. I love dogs. Dogs are great because that's one thing I get to cuddle with that I, like, definitely don't want to fuck. You know? Like, I can cuddle with my dog for hours and I'm not going to want to have sex with him at all. Like, not even a little bit. You know?

But I can cuddle. Like, I'm a single guy. So the only time I get to cuddle with a person is if I'm, like, trying to fuck them or I just fucked them. But not him. It's great. Like, he loves to cuddle. So much that I kind of think he wants to fuck me. Yeah. Like, he always initiates the cuddles.

I don't know. I mean, has he been rubbing up to me all these years? Like, come on, man. Make a move. Like, stop teasing move that belly rub down a little i don't know uh it it doesn't seem like that crazy of a thought to me you know because like he tries to hump my leg okay if that's not a sign he wants to fuck me i don't know what is all right guys fuck yeah alex holiday doing some dog cuddling All right, guys. Fuck yeah, Alex Holiday.

Doing some dog cuddling. Cuddling with the dog. Welcome back to the show, Alex. You've been on the show quite a few times. You've been doing stand-up for how long? A couple years? Four months. Four months.

Wow, look at that. Four months long, and we already know that you work for your dad's security. Home security system place. The standout thing about you is obviously that voice. Yeah, it's been Yeah, it's very This is the third time this song has been played. No, I know. It works every time.

Every single time. It's going to happen any time you get pulled out because it is the standout thing about you. There you go. There's also the Kermit the Frog and Everybody Loves Raymond. Yeah, that's the trifecta. I love it. So you have a wacky voice.

How's life been going on? What's been happening with you? It's been pretty good. I mean, nothing too crazy since last time. Last time I was on the show, I had just come back from a music festival, actually. So my mind was kind of out of it. What music? Fire Fest?

No, no. But it was a hard summer. Oh, shit. Oh, why? Tell me what that means. Wine Shanks, one of my hipper friends. Tell me what that is. Probably like some EDM music and maybe some Ecstasy Molly going on and your brain is out of it, right?

Of course not. Oh, somebody's dad listens to this show. I would never. No one that goes to Hard Fest and doesn't roll. Whoa. I don't do that kind of thing often. Hey, you got any Molly I could buy? Oh, my goodness. Give me your pierced shirt man

No son of mine will buy Molly And bring it into my household Is that what it's like when you and your dad talk Son I listened to you on Kill Tony tonight It was really disappointing Does your dad have that same voice? Dad, I'm 21. Leave me alone.

Does your mom have a weird voice? No, they both sound like regular people. What's going on? I lucked out. It's incredible. But you get in trouble from your dad? Is that why you don't want to talk about it? Well, I mean, I'd just rather not him know.

How old are you? I'm 23. What did I say about secrets, son? So what was the highlight of your festival? I mean, you're shy to talk about what drugs you did, but I'm sure you'd be happy for your dad to know that maybe you had sex with your upstairs neighbor or something like that.

No, it wasn't that eventful. Jeez, you are a fun interview, Alex Holiday. I danced with my friends. It wasn't like weird. Yeah, can you give us a little example of what, uh, how many of you would like to see him dance, huh? God damn it. Yeah, can we get some, uh, can we get

some EDM music or something? Wait, what if we have Polly Molly? Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, live from, uh, live from the Comedy Store. Here he goes. The one, the only, Alex Holliday. Here we are. We're live.

Oh. Oh, shit. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Oh, I don't like the dance. Mr. Fumnar, hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on a second here.

Mr. Fumnar, what just happened there? Everybody was dancing nice, and Mr. Fumnar, for those of you listening to the podcast only, he started sucking his dick. It's incredible. It's an ancient woodland ritual. My goodness, that was incredible. I almost came. My hard summer. Was that you, Alex, that said that?

No. That was me. My hard summer was not that bad. No son of mine will come with a deer. It was a hot deer, Dad. It was a hot deer. Son, tell me if the deer penetrated you. We have to go to authorities immediately.

Who are some of the people that played hard summer? R.L. Grime, if you know who that is. Oh, I know R.L. Grime. I'm actually a fan of his work. Yeah, it was a very good set. Very good. Bigger fan of R.L. Stine. Yeah.

Yeah, that's fun. Yeah. I like his song, Tell Me. Did he do that song there? Yeah, he did, yeah. That's like his big hit, right? Yeah, one of them. It was really good.

Wow, that's cool. Heck yeah. A lot of fun. Yeah, I thought you had a good set I feel like you could be a little more confident but I thought that you had a good set one of the best sets of the night maybe I think even it even though that

we've talked about it on this show multiple times I would suggest for a guy like you and you might hate this now and I've had I worked very closely with a couple friends that I've come up with that have also had things with their speech and this and that, right? Something that's really standout-ish like that. I would still say acknowledge at some point every time, even if just for a second.

Hi, I'm Alex. I sound like this or whatever it is. You know what I mean? Hi, I'm Alex. I sound like I always just chugged a glass of milk. And then get into the thing you want to talk about. But other than that... Shut the fuck up, dear.

Oh, come on, guys. I'd raise the stakes a little bit. You got a cuddling the dog thing there and you say maybe the dog wants to fuck me but I don't know. You're there. Just figure it out. You've been doing it four months?

That's great. For four months, you're way ahead of your curve. You have a little bit too much of an attitude, if you ask me about it. A little bit too much swagger, but there you go. Fun times. Alex Holiday, everyone. Every day's a holiday with Alex Holiday. Wow. Wow. Every day's a holiday With Alex Holliday Wow Worn out places

Worn out Faces What another hand for the band I mean aren't they just incredible Okay This looks like a fun name First time I'm guessing Put your hands together for Caitlin Attard.

Caitlin Attard. Here we go. Caitlin Attard. Hello, hello. How are you? My full name? Caitlin Mary Attard. But I think I'm just going to marry autistic. Got to keep it in the family, you know? I went to Germany a couple years ago.

Learned how to say slut in German. It's, I've been sucking dick. So that was fun. You guys date? I'm on Tinder, and I like Tinder as much as the next guy, and the next guy, and the next guy, and the next guy, and the next guy. But I think and the next guy and the next guy. But I think I'm just going to go on Dateline to date.

Because then you know they're single. You know, you don't have to worry about anything. Man, I... I was dating this guy and he was really bad at planning dates but he was, like, really good at planning drugs. Heck yeah. Caitlin, it's hard.

There you go. That was really good. You know what? You know what I don't get? You have the purse, and then you're holding the phone. The purse is so close to that phone. I always do this.

Just put it in. Is that part of... Yeah. That's incredible. Free hand. It's like when a child learns that the cylinder goes in the cylinder-shaped one and the square goes in there. Everything goes in the purse.

That girl was my babysitter. I didn't learn anything. I like that. A little callback. How long have you been doing stand-up, Caitlin? A couple years. All of it here in Los Angeles? I'm actually from San Diego. I just moved here a couple weeks ago. Oh, wow. Congratulations.

Good jokes. Were you in the military? No. No. Working at a restaurant. Because San Diego, that's the only reason? Well, most people that live in San Diego are from the military. Not most people.

Nope. Not even close to most. That's how I look at it. Nope. Well, that's a big fat pie. Wrong pie. Nope. That's a big pie of wrong.

You could slice it up and then share it with so much wrong with everybody that most people in San Diego are in the military. Wow. So, Caitlin, what do you do? Well, I was working at a restaurant in San Diego, and now I don't have a job. I'm looking for something. Don't have a job. Well, there's plenty of jobs here. I'm a character on Hollywood Boulevard.

Is that true? Who? Right now it's Captain Marvel. Captain Marvel. You look like you're one bad life thing away from becoming Catwoman. Do you make a lot of money doing that? That's a hit or miss. Are you an urban camper?

Almost. Okay. How long have you been doing just the two weeks, the character? Yeah, just like a week or two. I just moved out here like three weeks ago, so I've just been unemployed for three weeks. I drive for Lyft, too, and Uber. So that's where you make most of your money?

Yeah, I have savings, too, so I just saved up. From waiting tables you saved up a lot of money? That's cool. What's your living situation here in Los Angeles? Three weeks in? I live in a closet. So does my friend back there.

Is that... Admit it! I know your sexuality. It's 2019 and it's okay. Is it true that you really live in a closet, Caitlin? Well, actually it used to be a kitchen, but he made it into a room. It was like a one-bedroom converted into three. Uh-huh.

Wow. A walk-in closet. Basically. So you have, what do you have, two roommates then? Yeah. And you have one bathroom? Yeah. That's interesting.

So, like, what can fit in this old kitchen? A bed? A bed, yeah. A small bed. It's a small bed. And then, like, what else? Do you have, like, a dresser? Yeah. It's a small bed. And then like what else? You have like a dresser? Yeah, I just have a dresser and then like one tile.

One tile. What does that mean? One tile. Just like the one tile I could stand in my room. Yeah. Wow. Other than that, it's pretty much just lay down. Yeah. Is there a man with a massive dick scar in the room too? Not yet.

How are your roommates? Are they both girls or guys? No, they're guys. Now, a lot of your material went around you. It seems like you're very sexually active. You could say that. Yeah. Have you been with someone since moving here to Los Angeles?

No. No. No one? You haven't shared your tile with anyone? Let's just say she's in a band called The Grateful Head. Damn.

All night. Why do I feel like there's incense and hacky sacks in your bag? That's a good guess. Is there either one of those things? No. Is there something of the hippie nature other than the purse itself? I just have boring things.

Like what? More crystals? More crystals in the bag? Come on. Oh, yeah, for sure. I knew it. Really? Can I smell your crystal?

Super weird. All I have is my glasses case that's broken. Show us those crystals, sister. Do you really have crystals in your crystal? Super weird. All I have is my glasses case that's broken. Show us those crystals, sister. Do you really have crystals in your bag? I don't. You have one on your neck. Can I smell it? It's a moonstone.

Anything creepy in your purse? Headband, stop asking to smell her items. Yes, it's very bizarre. He's hopped up on Red Bull here today. Red Bull and vodka, The drink of confusion. Aggressive confusion. Red Bull gives Red Bands chicken wings. It's true.

He actually got chicken wings too. Caitlin, tell us something interesting about you. A fun fact about you, Caitlin, that we would be surprised to know. Or about your life or your family or your history or anything like that i have 20 cousins wow how about another fun fact yeah my father was a deer who cares i broke my arm in second grade i don't have fun facts i'm not fun yeah right i bet you have so many fun facts you don't even know that they're fun I can tell you have fun facts You have a rainbow bag on

One time I was drunk and I walked on the freeway home That's fun That's stupid How about this You said that you learned what slutty is in Germany And most of your set had to do with being What's the most crazy sexual thing You've ever done in your life?

There we go. Got it. One time I went on a date with Ivan and I went home with Miguel. Wait, whoa. What do you mean? Like I went on a date with this guy but then I went home with someone else.

You went on a date with Ivan. Was Ivan shitty? What happened? What wrong with ivan that you left with miguel well we were at a concert and then um what concert it was some like random concert in monterey i don't know i didn't care and then he got me a shirt like he won me a shirt and then he said um well you can go home with this guy wait wait how did he win you a shirt what did he do he caught it like in midair like a prince like hey um what a winner wait did somebody have a t-shirt gun yeah and then he was like you you can go with this guy but you have to give me the shirt back and then i gave him the shirt back where did you find miguel

uh dancing in front of me wow my goodness you think he just said his name was Miguel? Was he getting his dick air sucked by a centaur? Hi, I'm Miguel. You have any ecstasy? Probably. I like how you turned a beach towel into a dress. You want to hang out? It's true. Caitlin, you smoke a lot of pot. You are dressed like someone that smokes pot.

That smokes a lot of pot. Yeah, I do. That's my go-to lot of pot. You are dressed like someone that smokes pot. That smokes a lot of pot. Yeah. I do. Yeah. That's my go-to drug of choice. I got a question. The characters on Hollywood Boulevard, is that a union gig? Yeah, it's a side.

Have you ever met somebody that dresses up as a... Oh, boy. Yikes. Never mind. Man. Anyway. Well, Caitlin, fun times. If we drive by you on Hollywood and Highland, I'll give you a beep.

All right. There you go. Caitlin Attard. She's on Twitter or Instagram at showmeyourbits. Showmeyourbits instead of tits. All right. You want to do that now? I mean, okay.

I'm so worried about everybody. Yeah, I know. It's very interesting. Sometimes the bucket is a little bit stranger than other times. I'm not worried about Polly Wally. It seems like a lot of people are slightly mentally unstable here tonight. This is unlike any episode we've ever seen before. No, I'm kidding.

It's always like this. But not always this extreme. But that's what's fun about a live, unorthodox, raw, completely unproduced show. Anything can happen. Before I pull another comedian out of the bucket, I want to let you know about Monday.com, a team management tool that will improve your office workflow. Monday.com makes it easy

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there will be additional savings if you choose to sign up. So one more time, that's monday.com slash killtony. No one has more fun on Mondays than us. Go to monday.com slash killtony. There is one young man who is a regular on this show. Every

single week he writes and performs a brand new minute. He comes from a long history of some great regulars like the great Sarah Weinschenk who's here. Ali Mikoski who just spent the weekend opening for Joe Rogan in Denver. The great Kim Congdon who is a legend and in New York.

Ladies and gentlemen, Malcolm Hatchett. Here he is. William Montgomery everybody. I'm crazy for being you. Here he is. It's William Montgomery. How's it going, y'all? I work for Speedo Goggles.

No, but seriously, I have been snorting a bunch of catnip recently. Don't worry, I have a hole donut. I wrote that five years ago. That allowed me to open up for Cat Stevens. The guitar player father and son will be played during my funeral. Missy Elliott taught me that one day if I could escape from the dungeon in the basement of my father's insurance agency,

if I could put my mind to it, I could become a dancer. Fantasy football tip. fantasy football tip. Fantasize you're out there playing tackle football with human boys instead of rotting in the dungeon below your father's... You want to finish that? Can I tell my last joke? Yeah, of course you can.

He's got one more. I'm a librarian, damn it! That's an impression of my dad paddling me in the dungeon when I haven't been using my library voice. Wow. All right. Very unorthodox, as usual, per William Montgomery, everybody. There you go. Another new set from William. There's his classic look for approval to the guest.

I'll be quite frank. I'm just pumped about Rosh Hashanah this year. William, take a step back so that the people can see you clearly. So that the people can see you, William. So having a stare-off with Mr. Fumnar wouldn't be the way to... I grew up with a man named Rosh Hashanah. His father was Tony Roshanah.

His grandfather was Ralph Roshanah. I don't know if I believe any of this, so I'm going to be honest with you. I don't know if I'm buying it. It just kills me. I literally, I'm a believer in Jesus Christ. I'm cool with Jewish folks that also believe in Jesus. They're called messianic Jews. When I was with...

I thought last week was your last episode. I thought... I didn't know this was happening. That wasn't a thing at all. What he said last week was that I said that if he doesn't do good that week, that he would be done, but that was a complete lie. And what scares me is I'm just feeling the tension of the audience right now. It's going really bad.

This literally is probably my last episode. I'm going to let you all in on a secret. I have dreams at night that I remember at times and there was one with a man named Rosh Hashanah. I was looking at him in an elevator. The elevator sort of moves around a little bit

and we end up sort of collapsing in the elevator and I look at Rosh and... Are there, let me ask you this, have you hung out with a lot of people named after holidays? I have, I'm really good friends with Peter Easter, he is... Peter Easter? He's a really nice black man, he's involved in a gang in Memphis,

The Bloods, I was with him three years ago. We went around shooting people. Wait a second. In a Target parking lot. Now, this is a new level that we've never gotten to. Now, your entire comedic style is based heavily on the truth. And so now we're finding out that you shot people. Peter Target,

I remember being in his Ford Taurus, a purple version of a Ford Taurus, just telling me, William, pull the trigger. Don't breathe. I found myself in the passenger seat of that Ford Taurus, passing out, looking up, seeing...

My goodness. Who's Peter Target? Hold on. Brian, what is going on? Mr. Fumnar. Peter Easter. Yeah. Peter Easter is a man that started a church

outside of Memphis. He was a believer in snakes. William. That's right. He was a believer in snakes. William. That's right. He starred in the movie Good Friday after Next. I remember. He also started that one movie. What is that called where the people are out in the desert?

It has Kevin Bacon. Tremors. Tremors. Yeah. Okay. So how many people did you and Peter shoot that day? I think in the movie Tremors, the amount of people Peter and I watched from the outskirts of it,

sort of winking at them, was maybe 35. I just remember being out in the desert sands holding Peter's hand, thinking to myself, I hope this never ends. Hey, Red Band, can you put on M.I.A. paper planes? Oh, my goodness. That's not paper planes at all. That's not paper planes. All right.

Bruce Cat Stevens, just picture me being some sort of a plumber-type person in Memphis after this comedy thing doesn't work out. I get bit by a spider. I slowly die in the med. And the song is playing. Red Band shows up. I get bit by a spider. I slowly die in the med. And the song is playing. Red band shows up and winks at me. And then what happens?

I wink back at him. And then what? I take off my Speedo goggles. They're fogged to the max. And then what? I say to Red Band, Red Band, you were so sweet to me. I'm a simpleton from Memphis moving out to Los Angeles. You allow me to put these songs on. And Red Band says, do you believe in Jesus?

Redband says, do you believe in Jesus? We'll still be here tomorrow. Dreams may not. Wow. So Kyle. And I look at Redband and I'm like, Redband, I pray to God you believe in Jesus. I have a bad feeling you don't. I get that you play the Ouija board. I get that you go to Kroger's supermarket.

I get that you raised up my son, Vance. I don't understand it, but I get it. Why did you have to wear that wig? Why did I have to wear those shorts? And then what happens? No, William. Hold on. Let's slow it down for a second. So, Kyle, this is, I believe, probably your first time ever seeing William Montgomery perform.

Yes. I've never seen him. I like him. Kyle, I am a giant fan. You are wonderful. Oh, thank you. At impressions. Thank you.

Can you please sort of answer from your gut right now? Is there any way when you were opening up for audiences, maybe they're in the Philippines, maybe they're in South Korea. Could I feature for you? Oh my god. William, you're not allowed to do that. What did I

tell you about that? You're not allowed to just ask people on this show if you can open. I'm from the Philippines! I was going to ask you anyway. My right leg goes numb! Your what? I can't feel it! Your left leg?

My right, sort of, this muscle up here. It goes numb when I'm eating the footlong. It costs $14. That's why I got the app. All right. That's incredible, William. My goodness. Have you let a doctor look at that at all?

Well, last time I was there, Teresa, how are you doing? Teresa's my aunt. Oh, there you go. She said hello. It's been confirmed that that is your aunt. I was worried when my brother Vance and I were on those train tracks and you got cut in half that you could not be fixed. Nice to see you.

Can you stand up and do your shirt up? Can we see those stitches? No, don't make her show her stitches, William. This has been a pretty common thing the last few weeks. I've noticed that you recognize somebody from the audience as a family member, and you ask them to stand up or say hello or something like that. And normally it's just simply never the person who you say it is. I feel like the only reason I bring it up,

when I was talking about the movie Tremors, I don't know if you all remember the scene in that movie where they're up in the water tower, but I was, in fact, up there. I was messing around with my pistol. I was learning how to shoot it, learning how to pull the trigger, learning how to aim. She came up there with me. She was like, William, how are you doing? It's so nice to see you.

And I just promise it's so nice to see you right now. You have really thrown me off. I'm worried about the text message I'm going to get from my father, Larry, tomorrow. He's going to be like, William, you need to write more.

Is that the aunt from that side, your father's side? It is. I also have an aunt from my mom's side, my grandmother Bee Vance. I was her favorite. Actually, true. Okie dokie, William. I'm going to cut you off there. I really don't have the momentum here.

Now, you've been having sexual relations with a young woman as of late, right? And that's sort of a newer thing for you. Is that correct? Y'all just picture me just maybe at a Laser Quest Arena bathroom just living it up. Maybe my name is Arnold Schwarzenegger. Maybe my name is Predator 2. William, over here. Did you hear the question that I just asked you at all?

Like, at all? I have been trying my hardest to, when I feel like I'm about to ejaculate, pulling my penis outside of her body and just praying to God she doesn't rub her thighs on my thing because it gets sensitive. I don't understand. Yes, you are describing pulling out, William.

That is what you are describing. I have been having so much fun, but I'm lucky. No, it's okay, William. Okay, so you've been hooking up with a lady for the first time in a long time uh Wineshank you see a stud like William you have any advice for him to uh maybe hey Wineshank

I'll be very frank you and I having that development spot getting on shows together there have been points and times I've looked at you just wondering what you asked for for Rosh Hashanah. Okie dokie. This is a wacky, wacky William Montgomery appearance.

But I will say this, is that I did a show on Friday, Tony Hinchcliffe and Acquaintances. And I have to say that out of almost every single comedian on that lineup that night, it was mind-boggling how great of a set William Montgomery had. One of my favorite lines I had during my set. William, William, William, William. You can't just start talking whenever the fuck you want. I mean, I have no idea what's happening. Are you okay?

You're on a live show right now, and I no idea what's happening. Are you okay? Are you, like, you're on a live show right now. And I was in the middle of complimenting you. The past week, when I try to go to sleep, if I go to sleep on my back, I have these dreams where I can't breathe, and I literally wake up, and I'm not breathing. Yeah, William, he was

trying to compliment you, and you interrupted for a weird riff. Yeah, it's very bizarre. He was building you up and then you're like, no, no, no, but this riff that's not going to work real quick. One of your longest interviews ever where really there just hasn't been a butt ton of momentum behind it. It's not exactly, I think,

I would say this isn't exactly your crowd. Why'd you come back this week? Brian, you're trying to make up a storyline that was never a storyline. Way too much confidence this episode, Red Band. Let's just keep the forward present

show moving. What are you talking about? You keep going back to this thing. He brought up a good idea last week. The show was so fun, y'all. I'll be quite frank. Probably one of my best lines I had during the show in between killer jokes. I said,

yeah, I'm single. I'm holding out for a black or an oriental. There you go. That was a joke. Look at that. Mr. Fumnar. Yes, Kyle Dunnigan just gave you set two blinks up. You can only use oriental in regards to a rug in 2019. Last day check.

Hey, Sarah, I'll be very honest. There was a point in time before I started hanging out with the school. I had a big crush on, but I'll be quite frank. You saying that right now really throws me off. I've been killing it tonight. All right. All right. You talk about... All right.

William Montgomery had fun times. There he goes, everybody. He might not be back next week, according to some Nothing Burger storyline. There was never a thing in the first place. There he goes, William Montgomery. I don't know what's happening. You guys think we should go to the bucket one more time, huh?

All right. Put your hands together for your final comedian of the night, Billy DeWolf, everybody. Billy DeWolf. Billy DeWolf. Hey, Warner places. There you go. Billy DeWolf Hey Worn out places There you go

No Billy DeWolf it appears Blacklist Okay Alright Put your hands together for your next comedian Cary Douglas everyone Cary Douglas Cary Douglas

Cary Douglas This is weird That's weird Douglas. Is there a Carrie Douglas? Carrie Douglas? This is weird. Yep. Oh, that's weird. Oh, here we go. Carrie Douglas, ladies and gentlemen. We're the best I ever had. Carrie Douglas, everybody. Come on.

This is a lot more people than I'm used to performing in front of, so bear with me. I was going to claim Billy DeWolf, and then you actually pulled my name out of the bucket, so let me see if I can do this.

I'm having a little bit of an identity crisis lately. Not with my gender or anything. I've been getting in touch with that a lot lately since my divorce. So I know that I'm a man. No, it's more or less Actually, you know what, I have a question Maybe the audience can answer for me Is it considered incest When your uncle and your father tag team your mother? I'm not saying it happened

I'm just really confused Because I look a lot more like my uncle than my father. Alright, there you go. That actually got a laugh somehow. That was amazing. Maybe I should hold the microphone.

Kerry Douglas. Okay. That's not a made-up name either. How long have you been an amateur rollerblader? Who said that, by the way? Wow. This guy. Does it matter?

Does that matter for the answer? It does because one of these guys joined me rollerblading last week, and I wanted to make sure I knew. Is that really true? It was this guy. I don't know what's happening. Try harder, dude. Sorry, I did a lot of acid in my life.

You did? Yes. Is that why you're like this? A little bit. How long have you been doing comedy? On and off for three months. On and off for three months. How long have you been doing acid?

On and off for three months. On and off for three months. How long have you been doing acid? On and off for three years. Yeah. What do you often do after taking acid? Comedy. Are you on acid right now? No. You've done so much that it affects everything. I did the acid, and now I'm doing the comedy.

Oh, the acid. Or trying to do comedy. The acid inspired you to do comedy? Three years ago. Jesus Christ. Is this a riddle? This is real, yes. So the real story is my heart stopped.

I died for about 30 seconds. When was this? Three years ago. Is everything three years ago? Everything started three years ago in your fucking life? Yes, because that's as far back as I can remember. Mr. Fumnar. Can I just say that

I'm starting to appreciate this audience's sense of humor more because the biggest pop that you got during your set was when you said, your heart stopped. Somebody started an applause break. I think they finally started coming around here right towards the end.

This audience is like a fine wine. I didn't understand you at first, but now I'm starting to appreciate you. Three years ago, your heart stopped for 30 seconds. What was that about? How did that happen? I have epilepsy. It's a rare... There you go. It's a rare... There you go.

So it's a really rare form of epilepsy that fucks with my memory. But what happened was my heart stopped. And my... Okay. There you go. It's Mr. Fumnar starting the applause break. My ex-wife was a very bad Asian.

She had them... There you go. I say that because I'm worth more dead than alive. She had them restart my heart, and so here I am able to tell these... How did she restart it? CPR? She didn't do it. She told the

doctors to, and they pumped me with adrenaline and got that shit going again. Oh, they didn't clap for that part. Boo! Boo! Boo! Wow, look at that. Wow.

So how old are you, Kerry? Old enough. Uh-huh. Okay. How old are you? What's happening? I am 35. Wow, 35.

You don't look a day over part-time werewolf. So what exactly do you do for work? I am a server for California Pizza Kitchen. Oh, wow. Look at that. To get away with that, I have to pull the hair back. I love that you'll admit that, but not your age at first. What the fuck?

Incredible. You didn't have to work for that at all. Because you already got the age out of me. They're both embarrassing. What do you like to do for fun? You seem like a very, to say the least, simple soul. That's the nicest way I've ever heard Tony Hinchcliffe call someone a retard.

Hands down the nicest. Seems like he has good intentions. It seems like there's a good spirit under there, but yeah, yeah, I do think you're retarded. Mr. Fumnar is correct. Okay. There you go. This is very bizarre.

Let's definitely never make a habit of this clapping thing. We're never going to see this audience again. No, but this is really helping with my identity crisis here. Tell us more about this identity crisis. What else is going on? Tell us about your low lows. My low lows.

I really don't know how to answer that because I'm retarded. No, we don't really think that. We're just kidding around. I can't believe you guys used the R word. We're supposed to say mentally challenged. Oh, I forgot. I forgot only your people can use it. That's a my people word, okay?

Kerry, what do you like to do for fun? Honestly, this is fucking... This is it. I know this. This is it. Yeah, what do you like to do for fun? Honestly, this is fucking... This is it. I know this. This is it. Yeah, what else? I walk around the city. I work and I come here.

Because I am living in a... Hold on a second. I'm going to check in with... What is happening? I was just going to... Was your first life more interesting? Yes. Much more interesting.

You've got chroma! Oh, boy. Oh, my God. Okay, before this, I was... I've had 38 jobs, so I've done a lot of different shit. You counted 38 jobs? I did. I recently counted because I

needed to keep track of what I'm doing with my life. What are some of the other jobs you've had? If you've had 38 of them, I'm pretty sure you could... I was a maintenance guy on sailboats. I've been in the Navy. That's actually what the Navy's all about. That song inspired me. Holy shit.

Was your first life more interesting? Once again, I'm just asking. No. I lie. Everything I say is a lie. Okay. There he goes. Cary Douglas, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, mind-boggling what can happen on this show. Wow. Alright. I just simply

cannot end an episode like that. I can't bring myself to do it, so we're going to go back to the bucket again. We were so close. So close. My God, this is amazing. Maybe we should find a new way other than a bucket. Maybe there's a

better system. I've been doing this for six years and three months, and I think today is the day that the show may change forever. So thank you to those of you pulled out today. You're a constant inspiration of evolution. How about Katie Young? Is Katie Young here?

Seems like everybody left because I said last comedian. Nope. Nope. What are you doing? You're not Katie Young. Oh, wow. You're just out of control, this fucking guy. Nope, you're not Katie Young.

Put your hands together for Chuck Roque. Rock. Chuck Roque. Rock. Everybody literally left. Wow. This is interesting. How about anybody from the audience sign up tonight?

Did you? You signed up? You right there? What's your name? Hirschen? Alright, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Hirschen, everyone. There he goes. This is the first time he's been on the show. He's been sitting in the front row

all night, right in the heat of the action. One more time, good and loud. Your final comedian of the night, Herschend. What's up, what's up, what's up? I have a 13-year-old son, and he slow blinked me. I don't know if you guys have ever been slow blinked, but he took my drink,

and I asked, who took my drink? He said, it was me. I said, why'd you do that? He said, it's just a drink, and that's what pissed me off. So I walked up to him me. I said, why'd you do that? He said, it's just a drink and that's what pissed me off. So I walked up to him and I said, mijo, why'd you take my drink? And he closes his eyes off slow and he opens up and he goes, it's just a drink.

And I said, mijo, get up. He gets up. He's taller than me now a little bit. So it's hard to look mean or tough as a parent to your child when he's looking up at you like this. You know, he's looking down at you? Yeah. I also have a month.

I also have a little daughter. She just turned a month yesterday, right? She lays the biggest farts, by the way. They sound like little rockets, right? So whenever I'm holding her and I'm walking around in you know around people and she lays a fart people look at me like i'm the one that did it right but it's not me i try to blame it on her fuck yeah hell yeah how about that so let's jump right into it give me your name one more time. Hersch. Hirsch? Herson. Hersing?

Herson. Herson. Just like the word person, but instead of a G. Instead of a P, you put a G on it. Hersing. I'm nervous, guys. Hersing. Yeah.

Okay. Hersing. Welcome to the show. So you've been sitting here in the front row all night. Yeah. What did you think about tonight's episode? Awesome. Really?

Yeah. Wow. That's one of the biggest lies I've ever heard in my entire life. It's incredible. I love it. So, Hirsing, you a fan of this show? I am. Where are you from? San Pedro. San Pedro. You come here often? This is my second time. Second time ever, and you've signed up both times that you've come here? I was late the first time. I didn't know that you had to be late. But you signed up tonight. Yes. And you've been ready to do this for a while, huh? When was the last time you were here?

That was it. I've only been here two times. Right, but when was that other time? Last. Oh, last week. Oh, very cool. So that's fun. And is that your first time doing stand-up comedy?

Yes, trying. Wow, how about that? A first time. On a show where it appeared like it was everybody's first time, it was actually his first time. Mind-blowing. What do you do for work, Hursting? I work at a dispensary.

A dispensary. Fuck yeah. Wow. Is the dispensary that you work at open from dusk till dawn? That was for you, Joel. I knew you'd like that one. That's fun. You sell a lot of pot.

Yes. I get the feeling that you were selling pot before it was legal. No, I've actually only been smoking for three years. Really? Yeah. My goodness. Your hair seems longer than three years. Everything started three years ago.

The last guy? Oh, yeah, the last guy. Oh, yeah, everything was three years ago. Yeah, you saw a guy with his heart stopped. You're like, man, I need to start smoking pot. It's crazy. That's fun. So you have a one-month-old daughter.

What's the other kid? Thirteen. Thirteen years old. Do jiu-jitsu, yeah. Thinks he can kick my butt. Yeah, that's incredible. Man, 13 years old. Do jiu-jitsu, yeah. Things you can kick my butt. Yeah, that's incredible. Man, 13 years old. How old are you?

I'm 38. 38. Fuck yeah. And you work at a dispenser. You live in San Pedro. Is that where you're from? Born and raised? No, I'm from all over the place.

I lived in Utah for a little bit. Now, back in California. Heck yeah. What do you like to do for fun? Get away from the kids and uh what's what's your hobby jujitsu oh hell yeah in the morning wow that's awesome i love it um my goodness you do uh you go to any one camp in particular or just uh it's uh it's in hawthorne's called systems systems yeah they're associated with check, Matt. I don't know if any of you guys know. Systems of a down?

Is that where you go? Yeah. You do look like all the members mushed together. Yeah, all the 90s. Jiu-jitsu at Systems of a down. What else do you do for fun? You know, eating seeds is a pastime activity. Yeah, no.

Well, I'm at home right now with my daughter, so that's all I'm doing right now except for working. Keep her away from the toxicity of the city. Yeah, yeah. The city. So like an average day for you, you wake up, grab a brush, put a little makeup, hide the scars, or fade away the shake-up? Go to jiu-jitsu.

Why'd you leave the keys up on the table? What was the loneliest day of your life? Maybe like the other guy, maybe when I was in the Navy. Yeah. Well, you wanted to. Yeah. You were in the Navy?

I like that you got that one. You fucking gave me the fucking, you motherfucker point. I got a lot of System of a Down references. I'm just getting started here. This is, you know, all right, forget it. So you were in the Navy? Four and a half years. Wow, that's so cool.

Were you ever deployed anywhere? Kuwait was the farthest away, but never really saw any action. Holy shit, Kuwait's a big deal, man. What did you do uh in the navy i was a helicopter mechanic but if i wasn't a flight dick i would i would land the helicopters man so you have been getting high for longer than three years incredible so wow that's a lot of fun any other fun hobbies or anything about your life that we would be surprised about i don't drink because i used to drink in the navy but I used to get in trouble all the time.

I used to black out and wake up in the hospital. Wow. Now you don't drink at all. It used to be BYOB, but now... Yeah. So the joke about your son, was it from when he was younger? No, this was maybe about a month ago. He took my drink, and I asked him who took my drink.

Oh, just a generic drink. Oh, yes, yes. I'm sorry. My son doesn't drink. It was a soda. Take me seriously. I'm half dear, half God. Wow.

So what type of blacking out would you do? Everybody who's going to the party, have a good time? I would black out like hanging out with you and then the next thing I would wake up in the hospital. In the hospital? Yeah, broken teeth, sprained neck. Oh shit. Mr. Fumnar. I have a

segment that I'm going to pitch right now and I think it would be perfect. I think he should lip sync while Tony Hinchcliffe does System of a Down. No, no fucking way. Mr. Fumnar, no. Absolutely not. That's not a thing. And to establish how not a thing it is, we're completely not going to do it.

Shocker. But now you have established a thing that will disappoint the audience because we definitely can't do that. Anything else crazy about you before we move on? because we definitely can't do that. Anything else crazy about you before we move on? Oh, I have a – I got knee surgery. I hurt myself in the knee. And, you know, I don't know if you guys ever had knee surgery,

but you get these stitches that are supposed to dissolve where mine never did. The guy must have put wrong stitches, and I have a stitch sticking out of my knee right now. Get the fuck out of here. How many of you want to see us remove this guy's stitch live on the – no, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. That's another thing we're not going to do. The look on his face is like, what the fuck, dude?

We can do it. Does your knee look like Frankenstein? No, it's just there's a stitch sticking out. Does it look like that guy's scarred dick from earlier? Why wouldn't you just cut it off or burn it off or something? Why are you keeping it? They tried to pull it, and it was pulling from the inside. So I go tomorrow for surgery so we can open it up.

Oh, tomorrow? Yeah. Wow, how cool. What are the odds of that? So next time, the stitches will be gone. Right. Wow, look at that. Congrats.

Kyle Dunnigan, you just watched this young man's very first time on a stage. Any thoughts or feelings about the rehearsing? I think for the first time, that was great. You're telling us something had happened. It was good, personal. Maybe add a layer to it. I think people were waiting for another thing. It felt like a layer to like, I think people were waiting for another thing, right? It felt like a setup.

Yeah. And then maybe add, maybe add some lies. Take a little page from William Montgomery. What was that last joke you were doing? Oh, about the one month old daughter farting. And then they thought it was you.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. People look at me and I try to blame her and I feel like a dick because I'm blaming a baby. And she's just chilling, and I go, no, it's her. Right. So maybe it's like, oh, she farts. You know, the one with the old has huge farts.

Huge. And when it happens in public, I blame them on her, and then people look at me like I'm the asshole for blaming it on her. And then I realize that it would have been better if I just admitted the fart for myself. If you say it like that, but with your voice, it'll be funny. Yeah, that's how it works. Because then I add lies, though, you know? And the baby farted, and then I fell forward because the baby's fart pushed me forward. Let me ask you this.

When you blame it on her, how do you say it? Like, oh, damn, girl, what the fuck? No, I don't know. I'm sure. you this like when you blame it on her how do you say it like oh damn girl what the fuck yeah that that doesn't seem believable at all yeah oh maybe a conversation with the baby hey what'd you find i'm sorry dad that kind of thing i love it this is i'm thinking of teaching a class so person you have a great energy about you, man. You're very present. Very fucking cool. First time ever doing stand-up comedy. Former Navy American hero. He's been to Kuwait.

He does jujitsu. He's raising his kids. How loud can this place get for Hursting, everybody? I love it. San Pedro's very own Hursting. Don't forget, we're going to Australia in October. West Palm Beach, I'm doing stand-up next week. Sacramento has two Kiltonis.

San Francisco has four Kiltonis. D.C., Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney. How about this drawing from the great Ryan Shea-Ebelt, everybody? Wow. Oh, my God. I mean, that is fucking unbelievable. Just incredible work.

RyanJEbelt.com for all those prints and the Kill Tony book and all the past Kill Tony posters. How about a hand for the great Sarah Weinshank, everybody, this Thursday, 9 a.m. Eastern. Shanks for Smoking on Comedy Central Digital on the CC app, YouTube, and Facebook. Thank you, Sarah.

Thank you for having me. So fun. Check out Shank, the podcast podcast as well. How loud can this place get for the great Kyle Dunnigan, everybody? Yes. He's on Lights Out with David Spade, September 4th, San Francisco, September 12th through the 14th at the San Francisco Punchline. And definitely

make sure you follow him on Instagram, everybody. You're about to get the Kill Tony bump. Thank you. I'll let you know how many I get. I'm going to keep track. I love it. See what the bump really is. I love it. Start it from two hours ago because that's when we went live.

How about a hand for the great Jeremiah Watkins, everybody? Mr. Fumnar. They have the new Kill Tony band calendar. It's available now. He's on YouTube at Jeremiah Watkins. He's on social media at Jeremiah's Stand Up. He's got a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders out right now. Who's your guest this week?

It is Josh Wolfe this week. Ah, very cool. We love Josh. And then Mikey McKiernan is next week. Oh, very cool. Boo-ha. We love him. Awesome.

Yeah, go to JeremiahWatkins.com and shout out to Eric Staniford who takes photos. He shot the band calendar, so he did a knock-up job. Indeed, out to Eric Staniford who takes photos. He shot the band calendar so he did a knock up job. We love Eric Staniford. At ESP Eric. How about a hand for I believe his worst night of work ever. 0 for 4. I always give him

huge compliments when he bats a thousand. I figure first time ever. Chroma Chris, what do you think about tonight's episode? Very enchanting, Tony. Hey, you know what? One for five. Yeah, there you go. Just a shout out to Ernie Ball. Thank you.

I love it. Ernie Ball. And how about the great Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody. He did it again. Yeah. He's on social media. Mostly sorry. He's uh... What else, Joel? Shout out to Ludwig. I love you guys. Peace.

There you go. That's another episode of Kill Tony. Make sure Oh yeah, in La Jolla, September 22nd. That's a really big deal. And we thank you all for coming out to this crazy live show. A diabolical episode of Kill Tony. Red Band.

Thank you, guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. All right, we're going to take a picture real quick. Can you take a couple steps that way? All right, here we go. Thank you.