KILL TONY - KILL TONY #390

Episode Date: September 12, 2019

Josh Potter, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 09/09/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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October 3rd, we're going to be in Dallas, Texas. October 16th through 17th, we're going to be in Sacramento, California. October 18th and 19th is Kill Tony Mania. There's still some tickets left. That's going to be in San Francisco, California. Then October 25th, we're going to be in Australia, Brisbane. October 26th, we're going to be in Australia, Brisbane. October 26th, we're going to be in Melbourne, Australia. October 27th, we're going to be in Sydney, Australia. And then November 7th, we're going to be in Washington, D.C.

Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own tour dates. He's got some merch. website TonyHinchcliffe.com there he has his own tour dates he's got some merch check out TonyHinchcliffe.com Ryan J. Ebelt the house artist he draws every episode check out RyanJEbelt.com and last

but not least ShopSquad.tv that's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe you also got some Kill Tony shirts left and a bunch of new stuff coming soon so check out ShopSquad.tv and now here's a brand new episode some Kill Tony shirts left and a bunch of new stuff coming soon. So check out shop squad dot TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the road.

Famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Fuck yeah, welcome. You guys excited or what? We are live here on a Monday. Brian Redman's here. Come on, guys. You got to make a little more noise than that.

We're here. Everything's happening. We are live from the world famous Comedy store on the Sunset Strip. Very fun stuff. I had an amazing weekend in West Palm Beach. So thank you to everybody at the Improv there in beautiful West Palm Beach. I had no idea. It was my first time there.

One of the rare cities that I hadn't been to before. I had an amazing weekend. And the hurricane missed Florida altogether almost. Yep, it was true. A week ago, I sat here saying, stay tuned to my social media tomorrow to see if I'm even going. And sure enough, I went and had a blast.

That's how life works out. But speaking of touring, guess what, everybody? We have breaking news. Thank you. Our show in just two weeks in La Jolla at the Comedy Store, the new La Jolla Kill Tony, what's supposed to be quarterly, has sold out, and we have added a second show. There's going to be a late show on September 22nd in La Jolla.

So two shows there. Something interesting for you comedians that might be bored on that Sunday. Take a little nice two-hour drive straight down the coast if you want to have a chance of getting up at the beautiful La Jolla Comedy Store. And then we move on to Dallas the week after that. We're doing a Kill Tony there. And then four stand-up shows the 4th and 5th of October. Kill Tony Sacramento, that's the road to Kill Tony Mania, October 16th and 17th in Sacramento. And that's it because it's Kill Tony Mania that entire weekend after that. That's in San Francisco. That is four massive shows. I think like seven or eight hundred people in the audience.

Four shows all weekend. Special guests, a special rotating panel for those shows. That's Kill Tony Mania. And then no rest for the wicked because we go straight to Australia the next week Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney And then a week later we're in DC Doing a Kill Tony with four stand up shows After that and guess what Through all of that we do never Never do we miss a Monday here At the Comedy Store it's all scheduled

For us to come back Australia Day we land And we have a few hours To rest up. And also stay tuned for a New York City and Ohio announcement coming in the next two weeks. I'm not supposed to really leak that information, but for some reason I still do it. Look out for the announcement coming in a couple weeks. A lot of traveling.

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ladies and gentlemen thank you are you ready to start tonight's show or what we are live and this is exciting we always have uh one of the funniest comedians in the world on this show this week is no different you know this guest this is his first time here so give him a hot kill tony welcome you know him from your mom's house and so many other great things. Make some noise for the great Josh Potter, everyone. Here he is, everybody. Yeah, baby. Josh Potter's first time on Kill Tony. What's up? Thanks so much for having me, dude. Yeah, welcome, welcome. I still do open mics with half these people, so it's exciting.

I love it. It's very exciting. I am an avid fan of Your Mom's House. It's one of the few podcasts that I listen to and laugh hysterically, and you are something special on that show. Well, thank you. You know, it's helped me broaden my career from not only comedian, but now

I'm a sex worker. Yeah, I heard about that. You're a cameo guy, huh? I am. Well, cameo is the vehicle I use for trafficking my sex work. They reached out to me and you can pay $100 to get a glimpse of my feet or my

shoulder hair. Wow, look you prefer. Wow, look at that. And if you use the promo code KILTONI, they save a... No, I'm kidding. I'm excited to have you here. We're going to watch comedians together. And I don't know if you know anything about this, Josh,

but we have a band on this show. How many of you are KILTONI fans out there, huh? Then you know the band is one of my favorite things in all of comedy. They are truly some of my funniest friends. We travel all around with these guys. We've had a lot of fun times. We've seen a lot of different characters. Every week they perform and stay in a different character.

We never know what it's going to be. Maybe it's a brand new character. Maybe it's the return of characters that we've seen before, some of our favorites. So let's see what happens tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one and only best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Jolbert Joel Jimenez,

and Chroma Chris. Uh-oh. This is interesting. Whoa, what is this? Wow. Wow. Oh, my. Whoa. Wow Oh my Whoa

Uh oh I have a feeling I know what this is Is this a bachelor party I believe this is a A bridal shower Of some kind This is very exciting

Joel has a Dick necklace on Typical Joel of some kind. This is very exciting. Joel has a dick necklace on. Typical Joel. That flat ass. Jeremiah has what appears to be dick pigtails of some kind. And he's trying to untangle

this sign. He's minutes away from that happening. We have what appears to be a fucking Khaleesi after slamming the craft services table for a few hours. Just kidding, sweetheart. Welcome to the show.

We have Chroma Chris down there looking like a complete methed out hooker. This is unbelievable. Alright, still minutes it appears until Jeremiah unravels this sign. Does that say getting married?

It says bride to be. Wait, oh god. That's me. What? I'm the bride. Oh, you are? Duh.? I'm the bride. Oh, you are? Duh.

Fuck yeah. And I'm the maid of honor. I'm so happy for her. Wow. Maid of honor. I'm going to be honest with you. Like many maid of honors, it almost feels like you're secretly not happy for her. No, it's the happiest I've ever been. Really?

Yeah. So she's gonna have a future escape. What about you? Are you hitching up any time soon? My name's Beck. I'm a whore. Wait, you're a whore? I'm a dirty whore. Oh, I love this. I'm excited. Ooh, who's this guy? Wow, are you hitting on Josh

Potter? Oh, the things I would do to his good eye. Are you hitting on Josh Potter? Oh, the things I would do to his good eye. Oh, wow. I think that she can make me come, that one. Yeah, I think so. Look at that.

Real candidate. I think we might have a connection. Glurp, glurp, yum, yum. Well, who knows? Maybe by the end of the show, she will make you come. Yeah, and then she can be a bride. Yeah. Not tonight. Oh, yeah. Tonight's about you,

sweetheart. And then clearly back here, we have what appears to be one of the least healthy Mexican women I've ever seen in my life. Wait, the upskirt. Come on. What the fuck? Wow. Don't look at my balls. I mean clit.

You gotta fucking... My name is Patricia and I like to get railed. Oh my god. Bunch of slutty bridesmaids. Are you slutty too, you Kathy Griffin with AIDS? Name's Donna Dick Swallows. It's Donna.

Donna, are you a slut too? Yeah, obviously. Okay, very good. So it appears as though we have a slutty bridal shower here today. This is very exciting, Jeremiah. Did you bring them back from West Palm? Yeah. Basically, this is what West Palm is.

But, Jeremiah, what West Palm is. Jeremiah, what are we doing with that sax there? Can we get a larger saxophone for you, perhaps? Is this like a prank of some kind? What the fuck is that? She's a size queen. Is that your normal saxophone? No, this is

my sax when it gets excited. Oh my god. Even your saxophone is slutty. So we sax when it gets excited. Oh, my God. That is at once. Even your saxophone is slutty. So we have the band. We have Josh. We have Brian and the soundboard, which brings us to this, everybody, the bucket of destiny.

It decides tonight's episode. A bunch of people signed up for tonight's show. If I pull your name out of the bucket, that means you get 60 seconds to do stand-up comedy or some form of it on this stage. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And then we interview you afterwards, talk with you more about your life, figure out more stuff about you that is interesting or compelling. You guys ready to start this show or what? Alright. Good enough for me. Let's do it. You guys ready to start this show or what? All right. Good enough for me. Let's do it.

Let's see what happens here. And your first comedian going up tonight. This is very interesting. This is a one-word name. It's a blue Sharpie. No Twitter. Make some noise for Shane, everyone. Here we go.

This is it. Hey! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here he comes, everyone. Shane. One more time for Shane, everybody. Here we are. Goddamn.

Los Angeles Wow Fucking I mean, this is the hit and run capital of the world I'm so proud of you guys, that's amazing Really, you've earned this great title I'm so proud of you I watch porn Yeah, there's this one website

It's called Iknowthatgirl.com And I'm really into the logo Because the letters are all Fucked up and crooked So you know exactly how to say it Yeah, dude I know that girl

That's fucking Ashley But yeah One time I knew her and this was the craziest thing ever because I stopped. I don't know if anyone has ever tried to stop masturbating like three quarters of the way

through but it is so hard. This thing just killed it. I was done. Thank you. Heck yeah. Shane. This is your first time on Kill Tony. Correct. Did you just move to L.A.?

No, I just come up here every Monday. Every Monday for how long? I started last summer, go to school most of the year, and then I'm here again for this summer. Okay. Two years. Two years. Two years. Two years.

You've been coming to Kill Tony. Yes. Have you been signing up every Monday for two years? Yep. Yes. Wow. I know. And clearly you waited for this to be your first time ever doing stand-up, right?

Yeah, that's right. It is? Really? Yeah. Is that true? Yeah. Well, congratulations. How about that?

It's his first time ever. Hell yeah. Congratulations, Shane. Thank you. What made you want to start on this show specifically? Just watching the show really I was like I'll just try it

It seems fun Right They can fuck with me I like it Always the bridesmaid Never the bride And what part of LA do you live in? I mean clearly

You look like you sleep on the beach I do I live in Newport Beach, clearly you look like you sleep on the beach. I do. I live at Newport Beach. You really do? I do, yes. Fuck yeah. So how do you feel? You just did stand-up for the first time.

Did it go how you thought it was going to go? Honestly, I'm going to have to watch it because I have no idea. No. I was just trying to spit the fucking shit I got out. I love it. Did you have a joke for the hit-and-run subject? You moved over really quickly. You gave us all the information that we are the hit and run capital.

And then you're straight into I watch. Yeah. There you go. Zero. Nothing. Actually, the hit and run capital of the world is my pussy. Oh, look at that. Bring it, boys.

Bring it. Oh, shit. Whoa. Wow. Our first Joel Berg. Minutes into the show. Look out. Starting on his foot is behind his head, ladies and gentlemen.

Wow. So, Shane, welcome, welcome. Thank you. How long have you been growing that hair? The whole year. The whole year? It only took a year to grow that hair? You got like real Tim Riggins hair.

Who? Tim Riggins. I don't know. Ha, you're old. That's our fun fact. That's the first ever Tim Riggins reference we've ever had on this show. I'm just saying, this guy fucks because of his hair. For sure.

God, I would own show business if I had that hair. Yeah, he looks like his mom was cream-pied in a Hollister. Damn. What's your name again? Becca, you idiot. Whoa, Jesus. Wow, you're very mean.

No reason. Oh, you're crying. Becky, don't cry. Oh, my God. What's wrong? What happened? I'm so happy. Wow. Oh my god what's wrong what happened I'm so happy Wow So Shane what do you do for work

Oh I don't work You don't No way I had an internship like a month ago And then that's done so I'm just on vacation What was the internship Oh god it was some boring shit Some like finance internship How did you work in finance just on vacation. What was the internship? Oh, God. It was some boring shit. Some finance

internship. How did you work in finance? What did you do exactly in finance? I just waited until they had something to do. Like what? I just watched the show. I watched the show while I was there. What would they ask you to do with that job? Give us an example. Oh, Jesus. It was a job that you did. Fucking

sort different numbers. It's so boring. Sort numbers? So you took like fours and put them with sevens and stuff? You don't want to hear the specifics. It's so boring. Did you fuck an HR lady named Kathy? Is that how you got that job?

No, no. So, and where do you live? If you just visit here, I'm very confused. The story is much shadier than the beach that you sleep on. Corona Del Mar. What? Corona Del Mar. Corona Del Mar.

Yes, that's where I live. Damn, that sounds like two cities mixed together. Is that an area? You're mixing those two, right? Yeah, it's like a town. Everyone just drives through to get to the other. Do you live in your car? No, I do not. So how do you have money? How do you survive? Did you save up a town. Everyone just drives through to get to the other... Do you live in your car? No, I do not.

So how do you have money? How do you survive? Did you save up a lot? I just save up, yeah. Wow. Save up from what? Internships? No, I gotta pay... Yeah, yeah. How do you save up? Valet, all that shit. Valet, now we're talking. That's what... Yes, that's what you do. You can park your car in my garage any day.

Whoa, jeez. Whoa, close those legs, Becky. There's a lot of thigh hair going on over there. Yeah, they call me the praying mantis. Whoa, Jesus. Look. Becky, you're crazy. Because I eat my men after I have sex. Whoa.

Shane, what is your sex life like? You do have this suave look. You look like a UPS driver that drives a convertible for some reason. He's sun torched for those of you that are just listening to the podcast. It's not really a sunburn. It's very homeless-y. It is? The type of suntan that you have.

Wow, that's the first time I've gotten that. Well, people will not just walk up to you on the street and start a conversation with you and tell you what you look like. So I look homeless. Hey, you signed up for the show, pal. I with you and tell you what you look like. So I look homeless. Hey, you signed up for the show, pal. I don't know what you want me to say. Are you offended by that? No, that's funny. That's funny.

Sometimes I think that. Do you have rich parents? Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's why it's funny. If it was anyone that's ever been poor, they'd be like they'd be like oh yeah man I should probably take better care of myself but I tell you you look homeless you're like ha ha ha

it's rich parents shit what do your parents do mom works at a toy store yeah I'm talking about the money maker let's talk about your dad dad's a physician's assistant why do you think he's an assistant not an actual physician?

I don't know. Come on. Don't think about it too much. Just put an answer out there. He can climb the ladder. Okay, forget it. Take it back. Wow.

Shane, what's something that we'd be shocked to know about you? Like, what's something that makes you really stand out? What's a fun fact about you? Do you have any special hobbies or sports that you're good at or anything like that? You seem like the kind of guy that could throw a frisbee and run and catch it yourself before it lands. Yeah, yeah. I do play frisbee.

You do? I skateboard. Yeah. You ever skateboard with a frisbee? No. That's all I'm gonna say. Alright, Shane. Well, congratulations. Your first time ever on this show. You got the party that's all I'm gonna say alright Shane well congratulations your first time ever on this show you got the party started

there he goes hey whoa Becky is shaking that ass up here oh my god that is the largest saxophone I've ever seen in my life I don't know what's going on here.

Maybe it's just me. You're getting smaller, Tony. Okay. This looks like a fun name. Make some noise for your next comedian, Destiny LaLanne. Destiny LaLanne. Destiny to the front stage. Destiny.

Oh. Here we go. Hey. Here she is. One more time for Destiny Lillane. Hello, everyone. My name's Destiny, and I have to be honest. Growing up, the best form of birth control was understanding that my first child would be referred to as Destiny's child. So, no kids, but I am dating.

And dating's a lot different now, now that we're adults. You know, for starters, everyone wants me to call them daddy, but no one wants me to call them dad. It's a little different. My mom is asking me a lot of interesting questions lately. She wants to know if the men that I date have a 401k. She wants to know if they have property. She wants to know if they have property. She's super curious if I'm listed as a beneficiary yet. And, you know, it's weird because I had no idea my mom cared so much about money. Considering we definitely didn't grow up with any.

So, weird. What else is going on here? So, my mom's not good with money, but she's actually a lot better at dating than I am, so I'm trying to take her advice. Hello. Fuck yeah, Destiny LaLanne. Hell yeah. Welcome, Destiny.

Have you been on this show before? Yes, a few months ago. Yes, I remember that. Well, welcome back. Congratulations. How's stand-up been going? How long have you been doing it now? On and off since 2015.

On and off since 2015. What was that? Was that you, Becky? Yeah, I threw up in my mouth. Oh, wow. All right. Okay. All right.

Maybe drink some water or something, Becky. Okay. So, Destiny, welcome back. Is that true? Did you not have a dad growing up? Yes. Neither did any of us. Wow. What's a dad? Oh my goodness.

Was he ever in the picture or did he leave at some point? He eventually left, but it's not that big of a deal because I definitely know how to parallel park. Take that, dad! Parallel parking is something that people that don't have

dads think that a dad would have taught them. That's adorable. It's one of those rare things that only people that don't have dads think that. So, your mom, Jewish? Jewish mom? No, she's Puerto Rican. Oh.

Yeah, everyone thinks I'm Jewish. Why? Because she... You look like Dora the Menorah, that's why. Jesus Christ. Beautiful. What the fuck was that? He's gagging on his drumstick.

Joel Berg is in full effect tonight. Oh, my God. Out of the park Grand Slam, Dora the Menorah. Unreal. Now I don't even have to describe to the listeners what she looks like. You can tell by the laughter. My analogy was going to be so much worse now. Yeah, the old Tim Riggins over here.

Yeah, right? I thought she looked like Poison Ivy before she went insane. That's why I was going to just not make fun of you because I didn't want to be the one to push you over the edge, you know? So welcome, welcome, Destiny. Destiny Lelaine. Is that your real name? Yes. I love that. want to be the one to push you over the edge you know so welcome welcome destiny destiny lalaine is that your real name yes i love that were you originally okay all right all right okay okay okay all right we gotta we gotta all right becky becky Okay. All right. We got to. All right. Becky.

Becky. What? You might need to drink actual water. All right. So Puerto Rican mom. That's interesting. Do you know what your dad was? Yes. Also Puerto Rican and Cuban.

Wow. So you're just a regular old Puerto Rican. So you're like in disguise right now. You're a crazy woman that you just play it down. You dress up like a little normal girl. I didn't realize that my crazy was undercover, so

I'm flattered. Thank you. Is there a wild side to you? Am I close to right about this? Is there something that... Definitely not. I'm kind of a grandma. I go to right about this? Is there something that... Definitely not. I'm kind of a grandma. I go to bed at 8 o'clock on the weekends. Really? Yes.

What's the last fun thing that you did? I road tripped down to San Diego to see a friend perform. Oh, yeah? Comedy? Mm-hmm. Wow. This bitch needs a life. Is there anything that you're interested in doing is there anything that

anything in the night life that you're into do you drink, do you smoke pot smoke a lot of pot, do a lot of comedy it's kind of what entertains me do you read those romance novels good question definitely not, why you do read, you seem like a heavy reader.

Am I right about that? You have a little bookshelf? Yes, I do, in fact, read. It's just a lot of business books, but I read Supermarket by Logic recently. Business books. Puerto Rican that reads business books. It seems like it's a lie. Yeah, I don't know what's going on.

You've had bad relationships before, right? Oh, sure. What happened in that? What did you do to the poor guy? I took his virginity and I ran. You ran. Wow. You raped a guy? Wow. All aboard the slut train.

And you have a pretty active sex life because you seem so sweet. But know that you're Puerto Rican. I travel too much to have a sex life right now. What do you mean you travel too much? The only thing you've done is take a road trip to San Diego. What other traveling have you done? I just came back from Austin. I was there for about a month.

Wow, you're so cultured. What did you do when you were in Austin? What other traveling have you done? I just came back from Austin. I was there for about a month. Oh. Wow, you're so cultured. What did you do when you were in Austin? You said what? What did you do in Austin? What did you go there for? Some comedy and just visiting friends. Huh.

You're like, you're full of shit. What do you do for work? I'm a technical recruiter. Technical recruiter. You say that so fast. What do you recruit for? Well, people ask me all the time, so that's why I said that. I recruit for startups.

I don't want to name names. Okay. What's something that we would be surprised to know about you? Like, there must be something that people would be shocked to know. Are you a sovereign citizen? I think people would be shocked to find out I was a national champion race walker. Race walker? Is that true?

Yes. Are you serious? I literally, I got a full athletic scholarship because I walk fast enough. Is that how you got to San Diego and Austin? My goodness. Have you ever had a race walk of shame before? Yes. My goodness.

You got a full scholarship because you could walk fast, but not so fast that it was a jog. Correct, correct, because there's rules. So you have to maintain contact with the floor at all times, and your knee has to be hyperextended. Is that true? What is that, jujitsu? I know it's not a long journey, but can you maybe put the mic in the mic stand

and just walk from there and then back, sort of? It's not a straight line, but we would love it. Okay. Wait, what the fuck was that? I just didn't want to fall off the stage knowing myself, to be honest. What? I just didn't want to fall off stage. Oh my God.

Wow. Maybe you are Puerto Rican after all. I don't see how you could have found a way to fall off the stage, but all right. Well, it's fun. You went from walking fast to doing comedy and having people walk out of the room fast while you performed. She couldn't walk fast enough to catch her dad. Oh, damn. Man, a Puerto Rican girl must have stole your man at some point, huh, Wacky Cappy Griffin?

Donna's a bitch. Wow, Donna. All right, Destinyappy Griffin? Donna's a bitch. Alright, Destiny. Well, that is so interesting. Speedwalking. And you graduated from college? And you did it all four years? I did not graduate from college. Oh, you dropped out. Just gave up, just like your father.

Yeah. Do you know where your father is now? Have you tried to locate him or talk to him? He's where all the Cubans go to die. Yeah. Do you know where your father is now? Have you tried to locate him or talk to him? He's where all the Cubans go to die. Florida. Yeah. Very fun. All right.

Destiny, again, you really find this hilarious, huh? All right. Are you sad at all that you walked so much in college but not across the stage to get your diploma at the end? Yeah, the most important? Not at all. I think college is definitely a waste of time. Wow. You laugh after everything you say.

You're really ticklish, aren't you? And that's where it ends. Red band. There she goes, Destiny Lelaine, everybody. Oh my God. Step back from that ledge. All right.

You guys get the show? You having fun out there, huh? Anything can happen. Bucket of Destiny decides next. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Danielle Chosky. Danielle Chosky. We'll be first time on Kill Tony. One more time for Danielle Chosky, everyone.

Chosky. My name is Danielle Chosky. Anyone love birth control? Make some noise for birth control, dude. Smartest decision my mom made, including keeping me. I love birth control. I pop that shit out in the morning with pride, and I look in the mirror, and I'm like,

God damn, you're so responsible right now. And then I get my STD results mailed to me. I'm like, all right, you're so responsible right now. And then I get my STD results mailed to me. I'm like, alright, back to the drawing board. Antibiotic for one, please. Thank you. Have you guys seen those antibiotics? They're fucking huge, dude. I didn't know I had to suck a dick to cure chlamydia.

Fucking wild. You feel me. Anyways. I love birth control for the sole purpose you can have multiple suitors jizz inside of you. No consequence, dude. None. If I had a kid for every guy that has jizz inside

of me, not to brag, but I'd make like a pretty diverse classroom, I'd say. Like a pre-K, 20 to 25. Wow. Danielle Chalky. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Hello.

This is your first time on Kill Tony? Yes, it is. Welcome. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? 11 months. 11 months. All of it here in LA? No, Orange County mostly.

It's my first time in LA. Okay. I feel at home. I feel like every one of you has been me drunk. I have that top. You can have our necklace. You trying to fight me, bitch? Hell yeah.

Heck yeah. I got a dick. I killed Tony. Hell yeah, you did. I'm really excited. Okay, first, I hated this bitch. Now she's my best friend. That's how I get all my friends, dude.

You said this is your first time performing in LA? Yes, it is. Very cool. So this is your first time at the Comedy Store? Yes, it is. That is so awesome. Congratulations. Thank you. Here you are. Look at that.

Alright, so let's get into it. Wow, you're on birth control? Yes, I love birth control. Me too. I didn't even get to talk about the reason why. You know when a jizz drips down your leg at the most inconvenient time? Yes. It happened at Trader Joe's, dude.

I was just trying to buy a frozen meal. And this chick came up to me after. She's like, mine was at Hobby Lobby. It affects a lot of people. And no one talks about it. God, that is. Yeah, like, do you ever go to, like, Costco, and you've got, like, a droplet of cum on your open foot?

I don't get it. That's incredible. By the way, if it has the word frozen, it's not a meal. Wow. Anyway. Okie dokie. Fuck yeah. So that happened to you at a Trader Joe's?

Yeah, it did. Man, if cum was going to drip out of a pussy, you'd think it would be Whole Foods. What? It's a hole. It's a freezer section, too. I was told. It comes out of a hole. I figured everybody would get it.

It's an explainer. Or maybe The Gap. Yeah. Hello. Fuck yeah. On your way over to Ralph's. I love it. So, Danielle, that. Fuck yeah. On your way over to Ralph. I love it. So, Danielle, that's all true.

You sleep with a decent amount of men, huh? Yeah, I do, I do. Non-consensually sometimes, though, you know. What do you mean? Who's raping who? Everyone's raping everybody, dude. Wow. I lost my virginity, and my aunt thought it was rape because I didn't ask for it. I thought he was fisting me, but it was a dick. Wow. I lost my virginity and my aunt thought it was rape because I didn't ask for it. I thought he was

fisting me, but it was a dick. Wow. You know, it's always funny. You're a real slut when you think you're being fisted and you're like, oh my god, you fucked me? Yeah, dude. I thought we were going to take things slow. Yeah. We're going to

start with fisting. Yeah, I'm pretty sure if you get fisted, like, your virginity goes with that. You know what I mean? Like, a fist is like, you're no longer really. I don't think Virgin Mary was getting fisted. You know what I mean? I don't know. But, like, I'm tight, though, because I've been masturbating since kindergarten.

God. It's like science, you know? Like, sorry if it sounds pretentious. Guys can say they have big dicks. I could say I'm tight. Whatever. I'm say I'm tight. Whatever. I'm still stuck on something. How far did you carry the cum in your pussy to get it to Trader Joe's?

Dude, sometimes it lasts overnight. Like, I pee the next morning. Oh, shit. I get Josh Potter. Can I trigger something? I think we just made Josh Potter cum live here on stage. He just knocked over his bottle of. Boy, oh boy.

I feel like a real Claude. That's why when girls like this usually talk to me, I just stare at my shoes. I can't even see your eyes. I know. That's the ruse. So you carry the company in you for the car ride, and what's the mileage that you took it?

How far is the Trader Joe's? Was that a car trip? San Diego or Arizona? It was Tucson. Wow. Yeah, I went to University of Arizona. Look at Chino. Oh, shit.

Yeah, dude. Damn. Do you have any permanent STDs? No, I don't. Thank God, dude. I only had chlamydia once. Oh, fuck me. The camera.

I only had chlamydia once, and that was... Oh, fuck me, the camera. Wait, what was the... I had chlamydia once, and... And HIV twice. Do they know your name at Planned Parenthood? No, dude, but I saw this chick that went to my middle school as I applied for another STD test, and that was kind of, like, life-altering. Did you get it?

You applied. Did you get it? No, I didn't. I didn't get it. I didn't get it, Becky. Have you ever stripped before? No, but I was thinking about it. I didn't get it, Becky. Have you ever stripped before? No, but I was thinking about it. I went to Atlanta, and I went to Cheetahs, and that shit's lit, dude. That's one of the best strip clubs in the world.

Yeah, I know. And the best food, actually. I went with my brother. Brian is a strip club connoisseur, clearly, of the food. Yeah. No, no, they have great food there. It's actually great. You have some interesting tattoos, though,

like a lot of prison inmate tattoos and stuff. I have dancing queen. I know. And it doesn't mean ab, I just like to dance. Oh, shit. Wait, what happens? Oh, come on. Oh, you stopped it right away.

We finally get a real slut on stage, and you only play music for one second. Wow. Wait, stop shaking. The cum's falling out. The cum's falling out. Can we get a towel? David Deary, towel, please.

There's cum all over the stage. Lick it up, bitch. I will, you fucking slut. I love this. Danielle, for 11 months in, I mean, it's quite incredible how you're able to stay calm. You're playing with everybody. You had a good set. This is very exciting stuff.

Thank you. It was awesome. It was awesome. Please come back and sign up. Is there anything else interesting that we should know about you on this, your first appearance on Kill Tony? Any fun facts about Danielle? Fun facts about me. I didn't have a dad. Shocker.

No, we knew that. It's okay. He didn't run away. He's just disabled. Hell yeah. He can't run away. He didn't run away. What kind of disabled is he? He has MS. It's locked in syndrome. Wow. MS13? No. He's like a

It's what syndrome? MS. Like your brain shuts down. I know what MS is, but you said a... It's what syndrome? MS, like your brain shuts down. I know what MS is, but you said a different... Locked-in syndrome. Locked-in syndrome. Locked-in, like the opposite of the cum in your pussy at a Trader Joe's. Yeah, but I love my dad being disabled because he can't look down on me, you know? Wow.

Hey-o! Oh, my God. Wait, I thought you said you didn't have a dad, bitch. I do. He's disabled. He wasn't around in my life. Are you too drunk? That still accounts as a...

Oh, shit. There's about to be a cat fight up here. Settle down, everybody. Settle down. Settle down. Danielle, amazing first appearance on this show. You're talking about stuff that is true to you. And, you know, it's like, let's just put it to you this way.

I know a certain female comedian that got really famous talking about a lot of sex stuff. And I think a lot of us know for a fact that, on the contrary, that comedian isn't even that sexually active and uses it sort of as a crutch. And I think a lot more female comedians do that than we know. But you really are an open... Yeah, I'm not faking being a slut. It happened. I went to college for it. There you go. Prove it.

Prove it. She got a full ride for walking with cum dripping out of her pussy. Alright, well there she goes. Danielle Chalky, everybody. Congratulations. Welcome. Congratulations. Welcome. Wow.

God, just think about how far she must have carried cum in her mouth before. You know? Yeah. Miles. She left a trail back to her seat. Snail trail. There you go. What the fuck?

All right. Well, this is fun. It's very rare that you get to see a real live honest slut every once in a while. All right. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Jacob Lee, everyone. Jacob Lee. Jacob Lee. Here he comes Jacob Wee

One more time for Jacob everybody Thank you So this happened to me today Somebody left a note on my car And at first I thought it was a ticket until I opened it and it said, Hey, I'm six months pregnant and it's yours. I know, I was like, shit, wish this was a ticket.

And I didn't know what to do either. I just stood there looking at it like, who is this? And then I stuck it on my neighbor's car. Yeah, that guy's a piece of shit. I don't know, I don't want you guys to take this the wrong way, but I made a piece of shit. I don't know. I don't want you guys to take this the wrong way, but I made a kid cry recently. But in my defense, he scared the hell out of me first.

I was walking through Ikea for three hours because I got lost, and this little kid turns around and looks up at me. He goes, Dad, my heart stops. And then I thought, just go with it. So I picked him up. I was like, oh, my God, son. He starts crying.

And then the mom turns around. She looks at me. She goes, oh, my God, what are you doing to my kid? I was like, oh my God, son. He starts crying. And then the mom turns around. She looks at me. She goes, oh my God, what are you doing to my kid? I was like, I'm sorry. I apologize. He called me dad and you looked familiar. That's it for me, guys. I'm Jacob Lee. There you go, Jacob Lee. 58 seconds in. Jacob,

welcome. You've been on the show a few times. I've never been on the show. Really? This is the first time. Is that true? Wow, it feels like I know you. We met a couple times in Salt Lake. Oh, you're from Salt Lake?

Yeah, I just moved here from Utah six months ago. Congratulations. Did you ever work with me at Wise Guys? No, I met you at Wise Guys. I never got on your show, though. Oh, okay. That's a great comedy club there. Is that where you started?

Yeah, that's where I started. And you just moved to L.A.? I just moved to L.A. in April. April. Salt Lake is what the last comic calls her pussy. Oh, shit. Except her pussy's deeper than Salt Lake. So, Jacob, you just moved here in April.

What's your living situation? I got a roommate. We live in North Glendale. Oh, North Glendale. Yikes. Anytime I say, hey, I'm from there, they're like, ugh. I'm like, I don't fucking know. Do you have the least chest hair of everybody there? Yeah.

Yeah, actually. And I'm pretty fucking hairy, too. Is that true? Yeah. What color is your car? What color is your car? What color is my car? White. Gray. Is this your first time dealing with Armenians?

Did you know what they were before moving to North Glendale? This is my first time dealing with them, yeah. Did you know what they were before moving there? No, not really. When I told everybody I was moving to Glendale, they're like, hope you like Armenians. I'm like, I don't really know what that means. Have you figured out what they are by now? No, but they call me bro a lot.

Becky? Yeah, can I do my Yelp review of Armenians? Oh, my God. Is this something that you pre-planned in case anybody brought up Armenians? Sure, go ahead. One word, yuck. Oh, wow.

That is a bad Yelp review. How many stars on that? Half. Okay. So you're dealing with Armenian. What do you do for work? I deliver water. You deliver water?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jeez. Not alkaline. Yeah, it's like, I don't know, like those big five-gallon jugs. Ah, I bet. Is that what you did in Salt Lake, too? Yeah, I got that job in Salt Lake so I could transfer out here with work. That's great.

Now you're doing it. Yeah, now I'm doing it. I'm trying. Fuck, I don't know. Do you have to, like, take them directly? Do you just leave them at doors and, like, outside of places? Or do you have to go in and, like, replace them? Houses, yeah, I just drop them at the door and try to run away because I don't want to talk to anybody.

Right. For a guy that delivers water, you're making me dry as fuck Wow, what do you like to do for fun, Jacob? Just do stand-up mostly since I moved here Other than stand-up I'm pretty good at bowling Oh really? You go bowling often?

How many times have you gone bowling since you moved here? Since I moved here, maybe three times. Oh, that's awesome. Who do you go with? By myself. Wow. Bowling by yourself. Yeah, I do a lot of stuff here by myself. I don't have any friends. Like what? What else do you do around town by yourself? Did you just awe there?

I just moved here. I'm shy and I don't talk to people. He draws faces on the pins. He's like, these are the only friends I need. Yeah, walk down to the end and grab a pin because you can do that. Whoa, Jacob Lee taking shots. Wait, what the fuck did he just say? He makes a good point. Jacob, is there any

chance you know how to play the drums? Uh, no. Good, because I'll fucking put my dick in your mouth. I mean my pussy in your face. I mean, I could try. No, Jacob. No, you can't, you idiot. Back to you, Tony. Thank you. What's your name again?

Patricia. It's Patricia. Keep it together, bitch. Did you almost forget your name for a second, Patricia? No. I like to party. Who cares? Jacob, you ever drink or do drugs or anything like that? I like to party. Who cares? Jacob, you ever drink or do drugs or anything like that? I like to drink.

I've only smoked weed like five times. Why is that? Why do you only? Because I've been a truck driver since I was like 21, so it's against the law. How old are you now? 34. Wow, look at you. You're like a real truck driver.

Yeah, I've done it since I was 20. Is that a semi-truck that you drive? No, it's like a straight truck with a bunch of bays in it. Oh. Yeah, I've done it since I was 20. Is that a semi-truck that you drive? No, it's like a straight truck with a bunch of bays in it. How many glory holes? How many glory holes does your truck have? I have no idea. Good question. Serious question, do you still wear

your gauges? Is it something that you left behind? No, no, no. I took them out. I used to have a lot of piercings, too. I took them out when I started doing stand-up. Oh, okay. Do you ever let girls finger it or anything?

Oh, my goodness. No, but actually people do walk up to me, and they'll just be like, that's gross. And then they just put their finger in my ear. Your ears are a glory hole, then. Okay. But no dicks have been through it, so it's really not a glory hole. Well, you should live it up, bro.

Mostly a finger. Can you show it back together? Becca. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Becca? Becca, do you think maybe we could fit one of those dick whistles in his ear? I don't think it'll fit. This will fit, though.

How many of you want to see a dick whistle go into his ear? Do it. I can make it fit. You think it'll fit? I don't think it'll fit. Oh, it won't? It's just like the truck stop days. All right.

Spit on it first. Woo! All right. He's going for it. All right, he's going for it. All right. It didn't go in, huh? Stop.

Keep going. Your ears are tight, dog. Yeah. They used to be an inch and a half. I don't know. Have you ever thought about getting them fixed? Yeah, I have, actually. I was going to do it before I moved here.

When they were an inch and a half. Did cum ever drip out of them? No. No. They call those cum-ears. Cum-ears. No, yeah, I looked into it to get them sewn up, and I don't know. It's dumb. I've kind of, like, I don't want to pay a guy to fuck up my ears, because, like, I

did this to myself so I can live with it, but I don't want to have, like, some fucking... Weird ear. Yeah, even though, like, I don't give a shit about this. Like Because I did this to myself so I can live with it, but I don't want to have some fucking... Weird ear. I don't give a shit about this. I did it. I did it so people would think I was tough and would leave me alone. It's so interesting that you're so shy and you do so many things by yourself.

Have you been with a woman since moving to Los Angeles? No. No. Have you kissed a girl since moving to Los Angeles? No. Really? Not one? Yeah, girls don't talk to me here. Is there any girl here that'd be willing to give this guy his first Los Angeles kiss here tonight? How many of you would like to see

that, huh? Where's that slut at? Wow, nobody. Literally nobody wants to have any fun tonight. See, that's what I'm talking about. This is very exciting. I don't know. I used to be, like, really heavy, too. I lost, like, 60 pounds. The girls didn't talk to me then, and then I lost weight. I'm trying to get you kissed, dude. No one wants to know about your flabby skin.

That's what I'm saying. Where's the last slutty girl? I mean, do you mind the taste of cum? Yeah, I'm good. Alright, well, Jacob. Beggars can't be choosers. That's all I'm saying. I'm not begging though. I tried

my best, Jacob. I appreciate it. I asked if someone wants to kiss you and then you followed it up immediately like, hey, I used to be fat. Come on. Who wants to kiss me? Trying to sneak in another joke. Very good, Jacob. Sorry. Alright. Congratulations on your first kill, Tony. Fun times. Good set.

Jacob Lee, everybody. We're gonna keep it moving. You know what? Let's take a moment to plug our favorite sponsor, Infinite CBD. We've been using Infinite CBD since our first time getting a chance to work with them. And I use all the stuff that they sent me. I reorder it. I have so much, so much at stake using Infinite CBD Regular. They offer the cleanest, healthiest, and purest forms of CBD available.

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grab the CBD lube and go to town. CBD nano-detox shots. If you're new to partying, the next day you do a CBD shot, it's great. Helps you with those hangovers. Has ginger, beetroot, and stuff you might actually help you out with. I love the CBD AM pills. At some point there's going to be tests and things like that for you back-to-school people.

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Back to the bucket we go. Alright. Put your hands up for your next comedian Teresa Lee everyone We're getting a lot of females today Yeah it's a good one So excited about this second show About this second show added in La Jolla

One more time for Teresa Lee Hey I'll tell you guys a little about me. I have an identical twin. My twin sister works out and I don't, but we still look the same. So I'm doing it right. My twin sister is a musician and I'm a comedian, so my parents didn't pray hard enough.

No, my parents love us. They love us the way you love hot wings and burritos. You know, they're ashamed. I had a pretty good childhood, I shouldn't complain. My dad has hit me once, and only once in my life. When he did it, my mom came in the room, caught him doing it, and got so mad, she yelled at him.

She was like, that's my thing! I'm bisexual. I don't always tell people that because people ask me dumb questions. Like one time this guy was like, yeah, but if you really had to choose, which one would you pick? They don't have an answer.

I like men and women for different reasons, you know? I like men because it's nice to have a big, strong man make me feel safe and small. I like women because I like to cum. Okay, thank you. I have to finish that. Wow. Look at that.

Heck yeah. Look at you. Very rare blonde Asian. The best. It is natural. So that's fun. How long have you been doing stand-up, Teresa? I've been doing stand-up for five years.

Five years. Awesome. Where at? All over. I just moved here to Hancock Park, so I started coming to the store today. That's great. A lot of first-timers. A lot of people getting lucky tonight.

You've been doing it five years. Where at? I'm mostly in bars and, you know, alt scene. Oh, in L.A.? Yeah, in L.A. You're alt, right? Gross. I thought you said you just moved to L.A., no?

I just moved to this area. I haven't been hanging out in this area very much. You were farther east before. Yeah. Right. And now what area do you live in? Far east. West Hollywood?

Yeah, far east. No, I'm down in Hancock Park. Oh, cool. Not in a mansion. I'm in the very one apartment building that exists there. Ah. You have a new movie out, right? Yes, it's called Hustlers. Please check it out. I am Cardi B. Okay, thank you. No, you and Christine, don't you have...

Oh, yes. Sorry, I thought you were trying to make a Constance Wu joke, and I'm so sorry. Wow. I projected so much on you just now, and I apologize. What the fuck is going on? How do I know? We've never met. Oh, hi. I follow you.

So I didn't know you know me. Can you guys do this after the fucking show, Brian? This is a real show. I have to apologize for projecting racism. I thought you were doing the- No, you have a new movie with Christine, who is a good friend of mine. Yes, I do. And your sister's a DJ.

Yes, I have a movie out. It's called I Think She Likes You. No one cares. He's getting weird because he has a thing for Asian people. He's so weird. He follows every Asian girl on Instagram. That's a lot.

That's a lot of Asians. There's a lot of us. He's about to ask you to do the ice house. There you go. Are you free? There you go. From the rice house to the ice house. I don't like guys with sword collections.

I'm sorry. That's not mine. That's Tony's. With what collections? What collections? You know what? I'm not going to repeat it. It's fine.

Okie dokie. That's your good interview. Wow. So, Teresa, tell us more about you. What collections? You know what? I'm not going to repeat it. It's fine. Okie dokie. That's your good interview. Wow. So, Teresa, tell us more about you. What else? What do you do for work? I write. What do you write?

I write for a YouTube show. You write for a YouTube show? That's interesting. And you make a living doing that? You know, I still have to walk dogs sometimes. Oh, walk dogs. When you say walk, is that W-O-K? Put them in the walk.

That's a Joelberg right there. You might as well just start. That's what I thought he was doing. That's where you repeat the words Joelberg over and over again. That's what I thought he was doing. And, you know, so I apologize. Yes, my dog is also Asian. He is gender fluid and

uh oh he's a shih tzu it's not a bit I don't know what he is people assume he's a woman what do you do for fun when you're not doing comedy I like to go to karaoke oh that is completely not Asian of you at all what's your

what's your go to karaoke song if you don't mind me? Oh, no, it's the Asian woman from a few weeks ago. Mom, is that you? Wow. Feels like home. You can't get mad at them

for the Asian stereotypes and be like, I like karaoke. Yeah. It's actually, I feel like it's mostly white bearded men that suggest karaoke. Is it a, I don't know, is that not a thing?

What do you mean white bearded men? Is that a shot? It's like a thing. It's like white bearded men love to go karaoke. Everybody loves karaoke, but nobody loves karaoke more than Asian people. Well, we did invent it, so. What's your song?

Yeah, what's your go-to? I like to sing a screamo version of From the Bottom of My Broken Heart. Can you say that not in Japanese? A screamo version of Bottom of My Broken Heart. What is that? It's a deep cut of Britney. Oh, it is? Huh.

Man, I don't even know that song. Could you sing a part of it? No, I can't. I'm not a very good singer. Not even like a line? Okay. Becca, can you sing it? All right, I'll do it. I'll do it.

From the flame of my broken heart. Wow. Good Lord. No, that's not the same song. Brooks and Dunn is not Britney Spears. This has not been going well for me

and I acknowledge that. No, it's good. I would have acknowledged it for you had you given me a chance. Is there anything else interesting about you that we'd be surprised to know? What instrument does your sister play? She's a DJ. Thank you so much. Is there anything else interesting about you that we'd be surprised to know? What instrument does your sister play? Said she's a musician. Yeah, she's a DJ. She's much cooler than me. Oh, you said she was... So you're never gonna meet her.

You said she was a musician. Yeah, she's a musician. She's a singer-songwriter. She plays guitar. She DJs. She rides motorcycles. Oh, okay. I would say singer-guitar. I would always say that before DJ. If I were you. If I loved my sister. I'm trying to seem like I'm one of, you know, blend in with the youngins.

Isn't that what you guys call it? DJs are musicians nowadays. Wow. Teresa, I should recommend Infinite CBD to you. You have a lot of extra anxiety and energy. You just sort of just start talking before thinking. CBD lube is great. If you use the AM pill, it gets your day started just right.

Yeah, I take Adderall, so I can't take that right now. Heck yeah. Would you like a sweat at the Ice House next Friday? Oh, my God. 8.30 show? Oh, my God. Only if I can sing karaoke on it. Will you do it? Will you do the spot at the Ice House?

Only if you guys all come. Well, then you're not doing the Ice House. I'll do it. Yes, of course. I'll do it. All right, cool. There you go. Teresa Lee, catch her at the Ice House? Only if you guys all come. Well, then you're not doing the Ice House. I'll do it. Yes, of course. I'll do it. There you go. Teresa Lee. Catch her at the Ice House. She's on Twitter at Teresa Lee. 1R1S. She's actually really cool. Oh, yeah. You know her?

The YouTube show she's on, which I don't want to say, is my favorite thing in the world. Really? Wow. We were talking about it earlier in the green room. Oh, yeah, you know her? The YouTube show she's on, which I don't want to say, is my favorite thing in the world. Really? Yeah. Wow. We were talking about it earlier in the green room. Oh, really? Yeah.

Wow, that's very interesting. You're still a pig for saying it like that, though. All right. How about a hand for the band? Being original music every night, Partying it up. The great Jetski Johnson. Always a fun addition. So let's see what happens next.

Make some noise for David Lucas, everyone. David Lucas. David Lucas. David Lucas. David Lucas. David Lucas. David Lucas. Good and loud for David Lucas, everybody. Nigga, I'm tired.

I had to walk from the back. I think women are crazy. I don't understand why women like to be choked during sex But y'all don't like to be choked in public Let me get this right I can choke you when we fucking But when you act a fool like Pink Berries I can't put hands on you I was with this one girl who liked to be choked during sex, and we was

fucking, and I choked her, and the bitch passed out. And a nigga like me watch Criminal Minds and CSI. So I'm like, damn, how am I going to throw these niggas off my case? So I took her cell phone and I sent myself a text like, where you at? Then I replied back like, hey, bitch, I told you I'd be there in two hours. That's what I told her. Boom. That is exactly how it's done.

This is something that I always acknowledge is one of my favorite things on this show is when one of the people that have been doing it forever, you know, you've been coming to this show at least for what, five, six years off and on? Nah, nigga. Four years? Like eight, nine months.

Eight or nine months? Yeah. Really? I ain't got no time like that. These motherfuckers ain't got no life, man. Fuck. I be on the road. Are you fucking with me?

No, I have not been coming to this motherfucker six years. How long have you been doing roast battle? I've been doing roast battle for two years. Two years. So now we're getting closer here. There we go, Tony. You know. I judge a lot of your roast battles, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tony my nigga, man. It's only been two years? Two years, bro. I had my first battle about 29 months ago. I sound like a white woman talking about her kid. Oh, shit. But you've been on

this show a few times. Once. One other time. Oh, okay. Anytime I'm in town, I try to come up here. Face the audience. Hey, what's up, y'all? Cheat towards them a little bit. I loved your set. Very fun. Ended with a big bang. My favorite part was right in the middle. You can choke a bitch in the bedroom, but you

can't choke her at a Pinkberry's. The plural that you put on Pinkberry is incredible there. I could never pull that off. If I said that during a set, like, you know, acting a fool at a Pinkberry's, I'd have ten white people come up to me afterwards and go, you know it's a Pink Berry, right? But not you.

I get away with a lot of shit being a big, tatted black man, you know what I'm saying? Heck yeah. Niggas dare not question me. Absolutely. Not knowing I grew up in an all-white school, you know what I'm saying? That's right. That's right. I will call the cops on your ass.

I ain't fighting shit. I'm probably whiter than you, Tony. You probably are. I be singing country music and everything. You probably are. Not only are you running this room right now, but a lot of people don't know, you also like to run the jewels.

Is that correct? Run the jewels? What the fuck does that mean? You know Killer Mike is? Who? Killer Mike. You're right. I am blacker than you.

Absolutely. You just proved it. There you go. I know who Killer Mike is from Atlanta, the Purple Ribbon All-Stars. You know what I'm saying? All day I dream about sex. All day I dream about sex. Yeah, I know that song.

Heck yeah. You're wearing a Rocky shirt. Is that because the road is your favorite type of ice cream? Look at Tony looking like a nigga that Michael Jackson touched. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Here we go. You get one of these.

Tony, we can do this all day, man. Oh, shit. Don't you start with me. All right. You son of a bitch. Right, motherfucker. I know this is your shit, but nigga, this is my time. What?

What'd you say? This is your shit. This killed Tony. Yeah. But right now it's David fucking Lucas. You know what I'm saying? All right. Absolutely.

Absolutely. That's the... David what I'm saying? All right. Absolutely. Absolutely. David Lucas funny on Instagram. All right. David, what do you think you're on? I need an agent. Fuck all that shit. Oh, wait. He is black.

He is black. I need an agent. I need a manager, man. Oh, my God. Time to do these black comedy clubs. To manage what? Your weight? Hey.

Hey, what are you? That was good. I ain't finna say Heck yeah Oh Jesus Here we go Right That nigga Tony probably ate his lunch

In high school In the bathroom Cause niggas would be There you go That motherfucker I know your mama Packed your lunch In high school

You probably got a note And everything In that lunch box David I got bad news for you bro What's up You ate my lunch When I was in high school. There we go.

Shit! Let's see. He's doing the moonwalk. Can you do the moon waddle for us? David's wearing sweatpants for those of you listening to this show. Burgundy! But really, any pants David wears are sweatpants for those of you listening to this show. Burgundy. But really, any pants David wears are sweatpants.

Isn't that correct? Okay. That's a good one. Tony got on a jacket like he coached Little League T-Ball. Get your Coach Hinchcliffe looking ass up out of here. Oh, you son of a bitch. You got me there. I can't possibly top Coach Hinchcliffe looking ass up out of here. Oh, you son of a bitch. You got me there. I can't possibly top Coach Hinchcliffe.

Hey, what's up, bro? You ain't saying shit. David, no. Take it easy on my guests. Take it easy on your guests. I know y'all ain't close, but this nigga's glasses thick as shit. You look like you got some binoculars on. I don't know why you're attacking me. Those glasses are binoculars on. I don't know why you're attacking me.

Those glasses are so thick, David's going to try to fuck them from behind. Hey, that shit is funny. Hey. Hey. Hey, that's funny as fuck. Tony, one of my favorite niggas, even though he white. Thank you. Y'all got one of them niggas from the corner here drawing us as we over here?

Yeah. That's actually a police sketch rendering. No, I'm good, bro. I ain't doing shit. Well, David, you're so much fun. You're always killing it up at race. What you got to say? Actually, if you could do the Ice House next Friday, I would love to have you on.

Oh, look at that. I like black guys. Awesome. Wow. Looks like Red. Not only is he free next Friday, that's also one of his favorite movies. No, no, no.

I'm actually out of town next Friday. Can I do the next one? All right. What do I got to do? Hit you on Instagram? How does that work? Just follow up with him. What's your IG, Nick?

Put that shit in. Oh, shit. David's a real motherfucker. He's on the hustle. Man, fuck that shit. I need an agent, man. I'm trying to get... An agent?

There's going to be one Friday. I'm trying to get that paper. Black and yellow. Don't make me rebook my shit. You talking about like the 20th, right? The 20th? The 20th? Yeah, I'm out of this hole.

You're free on the 20th? You know what it is. Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow. David Lucas funny. Always fun. You're always hilarious on Roast Battle. I love people like you that can dish out jokes but also take them. Yeah, and I just had a comedy special drop on Revolt, y'all.

I know y'all ain't got that shit because y'all white. You had a special? What kind of special? A lunch special? I got a 15-minute special, nigga. Wow, 15 minutes. Where can people find that at? Nigga, on P. Diddy Network.

That's what I'm trying to tell you. On P. Diddy's Network? These motherfucking middle Americans ain't got that shit. My goodness, I don't think, I don't know if P. Diddy has a good record working with people as biggie as you are. This motherfucker is hitting me below the belt. I'm about to get out of this hole.

Which is really hard to find since your belly's hanging at the same position. Hey man, fuck that. There he is. David Lucas, everybody. Yeah. Yeah, man. Amazing.

David Lucas is on Twitter at all one word, David Lucas funny. David Lucas funny on Twitter at all one word, David Lucas funny. David Lucas funny. Love it. And since we have so much momentum in the show right now, why don't we just do something special for this audience that came out on a normal, average old fucking Monday. We have a former regular here, one of the legends of this show and its history, who's here to do a brand new minute for you. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the one, the only, the great and powerful,

Malcolm Hatchet, everybody. He's in the house. Here he is. Come on, everybody. It's Malcolm Hatchet. Welcome to the show. Then they got to Rex or something. Somebody was punching him in his head.

He needs some ice. I hate taking the Uber. I take Uber now because I don't have my car no more and my bus wipes. They don't go through when I get on the bus. So I have to the Uber. I take Uber now, because I don't have my car no more, and my bus wipes, they don't go through when I get on the bus, so I have to take Uber. And every time I take Uber, like late at night, it's always like a weird driver, so they make me like chase the car.

Yeah, they like keep driving. And just put it like this, I ran to the Comedy Store today from the Valley. I guess the nigga knew I was in shape. I was in the Uber and I passed the Hollywood Bowl and I saw a sign that said, show parking pass. Like you have to show the parking pass before you go to like a $500 concert.

That's silly. Like fuck, you get all excited for the concert but you got to show a parking pass. And I feel like the parking passes are probably cooler than the rappers because you got to show those before you even see the rapper. He's like, hey, you see 21 Savage tonight?

Nah, but I saw that parking pass. That shit was cool. Thank you. Fuck yeah, Malcolm Hatchet. Absolutely. Welcome back. Legend here on this show. Running a brand new minute for us.

How's life going, Malcolm? It's cool. I was really enjoying that in the back. That was really dope. That was cool. Me and David making fun of one another? Heck yeah. That was really nice. I already like you better. You shook my hand.

You're not mean to me. That last guy, I was just some high and I was staring at the life-size version of Rocky on his shirt. And then he yelled at me. That's a real digger. Right?

Who's that on your shirt, Malcolm? A Bowie. Oh, wow. Look at you guys. That's like the new cool thing is wearing white people on your shirt, huh? No, I like the way they dress. Yeah.

David Bowie was a fucking real rock star. Oh, hell yeah. How about you, Malcolm? How's life going? You have, you're doing crazy gigs and work. You're working with Justin Roiland on some cool things. Yeah, I clean dishes at Flapper's Comedy Club. You do?

Yeah, I be scrubbing. Really? Thanks, man. That's awesome. Thank you. Those are his dishes. Yeah. So that's, that's the. Thank you. Those are his dishes. Yeah. So that's the job that you took out of all these jobs that you could have?

Yeah, well, it's just the twins. Wes, they really love you, Tony. Seriously. Who? Wes and David. Who are they? The two twins who got up here a while ago, the Klitsch brothers. Oh, the Klitsch brothers.

Klitsch brothers, yeah. Yeah, they talk about you like every day. Uh-huh. But he just hired me in the open mic. Oh, the Klitsch Brothers. Yeah, they talk about you every day. He just hired me in the open mic. They work there at Flappers? Yeah, they're managers pretty much. Wow, look at that. I have no idea. I would never step

foot in there in a million years, so I have no idea. I'm one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Yeah. They got a lot of candy in there. That's why I'm still of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. They got a lot of candy in there. That's why I'm still there. Oh, shit. How long you been working there for? One week. Yeah. This is definitely a very temporary

position. Do the Kleitsch brothers know about your notorious work history? Yeah, they knew. I'm sure the other people knew, too, because one day I needed to get off to do a gig,

and they said I could, and I was going to come back to return, but when it was time to leave, they said, no, you're not going nowhere. So they definitely know I be quitting jobs.

Oh, shit. Yeah, but they cool. It's out of respect. That was the old me. This is the old me, but with new thoughts. Wow. I like that.

Working at Flappers, how often do you see the band? Well, I see them on YouTube when I'm on Paris. No, I'm talking about bachelorette parties, basically. Yeah, there are a lot of bachelorette parties at Flappers. Well, I be doing the dishes, so I don't see a lot of anything besides unfinished food and shit. No, I don't want your number. No, I don't want to give you my number. How about other parts in life?

What's going on? You in love with anyone? Oh, yeah, I still got my girlfriend, Jalen Neves. Yeah, we still go out. Oh, very cool. You still, what's your living situation? Well, I don't have a car. Oh, I'm in the crib now.

Yeah, I be learning my clothes and shit. You have an apartment? Well, I stay with my girl and her roommate. So, yeah, I guess I can say it's mine because I pay some of the rent, but it ain't mine. It ain't mine anymore. What's her roommate like? She cool. I don't really talk to her because she got cats.

She got two cats. Cats are nice, but my neighbors had cats growing up. When they do that, that's just scary, bro. Right. Cats are nice, though. Only on the internet. Yeah.

I'll double tap. The roommate ever flirt with you or anything like that? Nah, because I be meditating, so I know how to brush that stuff off, man. I just walk right, all right, and meow to the cats with my minute up. You really meditate? Oh, hell yeah. Every day?

Every day. I run a lot, too. To start the day? To start the day while I'm sleeping on the toilet. I know how to meditate. Wow. Yeah. Meditate while you're sleeping.

Yeah. Okay. How do you know it's working if you're sleeping? Because I wake up and I feel like an angel. Wow. Look at that. All right. Well, Malcolm, that's fun.

You do any fun gigs lately? I've been doing a lot of... Oh, yeah. I've been performing at the Improv a lot lately. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah, you did the Tony Hinchcliffe and Acquaintances show. Yeah, that was cool. You got to see Neil Hamburger.

Yeah, you hosted that show. You did a great job hosting that night. Thank you. It's fun to give a spot like that to a comedian that doesn't get a chance to host because then all of a sudden one day you might find yourself in that position, have a little more experience actually hosting a show because it's different than just doing regular stand-up. And if you play your cards right, they got dishes there too?

No, no, no, no, no. The Mexicans got the dishes there. They won't let nobody else do them but them because they do it right. You might get some butter from me. Do you have a favorite dish that you like to wash? Yeah, I like the red plates at Flapper's because 9 out of 10, they probably had pizza, and they got really good pizza. Has there ever been a time when you got back some dishes and you're like, you know, there's two slices of pizza here before I... Nah, but I would just go tell them to make me a fresh batch.

Yeah. Hell nah, I don't know what these people be sneezing or no shit. That's right. a fresh batch. Hell no. I don't know what these people be sneezing or no shit. Alright Malcolm. Well I love that you still like to come back sometimes and debut a new minute here and work it out. I think that's a smart move. I'd be doing that if I was in your position. Thanks for coming on today. Former regular

Malcolm Hatchet everybody. Hey! It's a fun episode. I'm having a blast. And from a former regular, why don't we go to our current regular, everyone? The very unorthodox stylings of one of my favorite comedians to watch. I'm always interested to see what he's going to do next. Make some noise for the great William Montgomery, everybody. I'm crazy for feeling

Here he is. In the flesh, William Montgomery. So I started a website called datemebeforeidie.com. It's for white guys with lupus and black guys with sickle cell anemia. Not a lot of people know this about me, but when I was a junior in high school, I stole my grandmother B. Vance's purple Ford Taurus. I was going 80 miles an hour through a thoroughfare, slammed into a guy, killed him,

spent eight years out of a 20-year prison sentence. Got involved in the Scared Straight Program, turned a lot of lives around. Two weeks later, I was in the ladies' footlocker in the mall, getting busted by the police. I was stealing ladies' shoes. I have lupus. I also have something called sickle cell anemia.

Whoa, we'll never know how that one ended there. William Montgomery. Came out guns a-blazin' tonight. How you feel, William? I have felt better. I am really sluggish right now. I had a long night last night. Yeah, what happened last night?

I drank some seltzer water. Keep it going, please. I drank some seltzer waters with alcohol. Zimas. I was drinking Zimas all night. I was taking Advil all night.

I had a really bad headache. Word to the wise, don't mix Zima and Advil. Why? What happened? It makes your stomach bleed. It makes it so when your roommate, Angie Hernandez, goes in the bathroom and sees blood everywhere and starts banging on your fucking door,

and you have to explain on the other side of the door, Angie Hernandez, I'm sorry, I was drinking these seltzer waters without... I was taking Advil. My tummy hurts real bad. I'm bleeding in here. I need another Ziploc baggie. I filled up two with blood. Angie Hernandez,

bring me another fucking Ziploc baggie. I swear to God, you've been a nice roommate, but I'm getting tired of it. Wow. She brings you more Ziploc bags. She brings me towels.

Towels? Oh, you laughed at that one afterwards. Was that a joke? I just want to bring it up for Angie Hernandez's father in the audience. What's up? Oh. Tony Hernandez, how's your spleen? Oh, what happened with his spleen?

He has something called sickle cell anemia. Wow. I get the feeling someone just found out about sickle cell anemia this week, huh? Hey, Tony, love the watch. So, William, what else is going on in life? Tomorrow I'm going to Vegas for the first time. Really? Wow. Going to Vegas for the first time. What are your plans for Las Vegas?

I am going with my girlfriend I have. A couple weeks ago we had to go to a CVS, get the Plan B. You had to get a plan B from CVS? Yeah, I pretty much hid in the bathroom. My father was texting me, William, if you don't start writing more for the show, they're going to kick you off. Tony's getting sick of your shit.

Did your dad really say that to you? Yeah, exclamation mark, question mark, exclamation... I mean, he makes good points. Wait a second. He just made eye contact with Josh Potter for the first time. Josh, how's it going? You guys know each other?

It's going good, buddy. Yeah. What, two years ago we worked at that hotel? You worked at a hotel together. Is that correct, Josh? That's right, man. How fun was that? The best.

I look forward to, I don't know. Yeah, I look forward to that as well. It was a hell of a time. Tell us more about your times working with Josh Potter at a hotel. It was actually at the La Quinta in Scottsdale. We were selling Xanax bars out of room 217. Scott Potter had a knife in his... It's Josh Potter.

That's what they called me, Lucas. I was a Xanax dealer, you know? Yeah, no, his brother was here. And it was in Scottsdale. Yeah, it was so weird. Okay. Wow. So, William, what are you going to do with your girlfriend in Vegas?

This is crazy that you're going to Las Vegas. It's crazy to me. Woo, Vegas! It's crazy to me that you were able to get time off from your job at a self-storage unit. It was crazy. I told them about the other night. I was bleeding out of my bottom. Yeah.

Alright. My butt is bleeding. Alright, okay. I'm working on bits. My apologies. I have a big show In two weeks Showtime at the Apollo You're doing

Showtime at the Apollo? I am yeah They're giving me A two hour deal At Showtime at the Apollo They've been doing that A lot lately The only sort of

Thing they said You have to rub The piece of wood The good luck Piece of wood I said maybe I will Maybe I won't Alright

Wow I have something Called lupus I said, maybe I will, maybe I won't. All right. Wow. I have something called Lupus. I got it from... All right, there he goes. William Montgomery, everybody. A new minute from William. Very fun.

Lupus. He has a new... Keep an eye out for him on Showtime at the Apollo. That's going to be a real interesting appearance. It's so weird. I used to buy Xanax from a La Quinta in New Kensington, Pennsylvania. Is that true? Yeah.

I thought he was like, I really do remember you for a second. How does Xanax... It was kind of freaking me out for two seconds there. And then I was like, oh, it's a bit. Thank God. How does Xanax make was kind of freaking me out like for two seconds there and then I was like oh it's a bit thank god okay how does Xanax make you feel fantastic crazy were you hooked on it for a while or just like oh yeah I mean I just yeah I mean

still not I mean you know whatever you're still okay very good I didn't realize I like them I didn't realize I was hanging out with a SoundCloud rapper here tonight I wish Xanies no I'm a sex worker. I love it. Okay, I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Make some noise for Chuck Roque. Roque. Roque. R-O-Q-U-E. Back to the bucket we go. To Chuck Rock. Here he comes. Love from me. One more time for Chuck, everybody.

Hey, guys. Remember last year there was all that outrage over the Baby It's Cold Outside song? They thought I was kind of like rapey. But meanwhile, they were just totally overlooking Hello, Goodbye by the Beatles, which the lyrics, if you don't remember, are You say yes, I say no You say stop, but I say go, go, go Oh no You say goodbye And I lock the door Like I don't know which Beatle wrote that I just want them to show me on the doll

Where they touched your Ringo And fun fact They wrote the song Help two years before that So uh I don't know I used to like the Beatles And now I don't wrote the song Help two years before that. I don't know. I used to like the Beatles, and now I don't like the Beatles as much. I don't know.

That's it. There you go. That's a minute from Chuck Rock. Am I saying that right? Chuck Rock? Roque, Roque. Roque. Yeah, you got it right.

Unfortunately, your set was less than Roke. I have to agree. It was quite rocky. There's a bunch of different ways to say your last name that would describe that. So welcome, Chuck Roke. How long have you been doing stand-up? About a year and a half. A year and a half. Where at?

OC, mostly. Oh, the OC. Did you see the young lady earlier in OC that's had cum drip out of her pussy on a Trader Joe's? Yeah. Yeah? Way funnier than me. Yeah. Yes, she was.

Yeah. I think she needs to hang out with you more so it dries up that pussy. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you know what I mean? You guys could help each other out. Not a bad plan. She could make you funnier, and you can solve her drippy pussy problems. It's a win-win.

Drippy Pussy Problems is also the name of the rap album that I'm releasing in a few weeks. So welcome, Chuck. A year and a half doing stand-up. Was that your best minute, or is that a newer minute? It's a newer minute. I used to do a bang joke, but then Bang supported Trump, and I was like, I've got to not do that joke.

What's your bang joke? Well, I used to work at a gym, and I would say I got in trouble by my manager for selling too much product because you can't ask every member who comes in to want a bang. And I'd say, oh, I didn't know that. So it's stop.

It's an energy drink that I model for on Instagram. That's an energy drink? It is, yeah. And then I'd say, oh, I didn't know that, but I'm selling a lot of product. And he'd say, but you can't be texting that to them at 2 a.m. Oh. It was like, you know, I don't know. Yeah, me neither.

I don't know. Oh. Wow, that's President Trump out of nowhere for some reason. And then they supported Trump. Yeah, Bang's like, every dollar we get's gonna go to him. Is that true? Yeah, that's true. So I was like, ah. So it hurt you more to tell a joke about that. Is that true? Yeah, that's true. So I was like, ah. So it hurt you more to tell a joke about that than sing that song?

Yeah. Wow. So Chuck, you've been doing it a year and a half. This is your first time on this show? Yeah, yeah. What ethnicity are you? Mexican. All the way? Yeah. My goodness. You play any musical instruments or anything like that?

No, not since the recorder. Not since the recorder. What do you do for hobbies? I play Super Smash Brothers a lot. I'm a big A, yeah. Jeez, man, you really had that answer loaded up. You must play a lot. Yeah, I do that.

Who's your go-to character? Yoshi. Wow. Why Yoshi? He's cute. I don't know. He's cute, and it's unassuming, so when you lose to Yoshi, it's like, ah, I just got my ass kicked by a little dinosaur. Yeah.

I heard Yoshi supports Trump, bro. Damn it. How long have you been playing Super Smash Brothers for? Like a year and a half. Wow. What happened a year and a half that you started changing all these things? You started stand-up, started playing video games? I don't know, dude.

All right, dude. I don't know. I mean, I got the Switch for Christmas. That's what happened. I started comedy. Like, there was, like, three really significant deaths in 2018. And I was like, fuck it, dude. I got to just go after what I want to do.

What do you mean? Who were the significant deaths? You mean comedians? No, dude. Like, my neighbor was, like, killed by a white supremacist. Okay. All right. Yoshi. Yoshi.

Yoshi's out of control over here. Your neighbor was killed by a white supremacist. This is in the OC? This is in the OC. And your neighbor was a Mexican? Was a gay Jewish man. A gay Jewish man. Oh, my God. The coins would have also been appropriate. Oh my god

The coins would have also been appropriate That is hilarious Gay Jewish man That is so interesting Wow And were you close with him? Well yeah I lived with him for like 16 years. Oh, you lived with him? Sorry, not with him, but like

next door neighbors. Oh. Oh, okay. Next door neighbors. Did you ever hear him having gay Jewish sex? I don't know if you guys know how that I don't know if you guys know how gay Jewish sex starts, but it starts with someone dropping coins on the ground and someone bending over to

pick them up. Alright, fine. Clearly a lot of Jews that are lucky enough to be able to be here on a Monday in the audience. You would have laughed if he didn't get murdered by a white supremacist. Anyway. How did he murder him?

So the dude is using Grindr, and the white supremacist made a fake Grindr account. Oh yeah, fake Grindr. Yeah, that's so crazy. I know how those white supremacists roll. It's always so interesting to me that they kill gay guys. It's literally so blatantly.

I think it's more that he goes like he was going there to suck his dick and then he goes, wait, you're Jewish? Spot on. What? How did he die? How did he kill him? He got stabbed in the neck.

With a ninja star of David? 16 times. Wow. It was supposed to be 20, but he had a coupon. So evil. Even I'm cringing at my own joke there. Wow. So what was that like when that happened?

Did you see them take his body out or anything like that? No, they couldn't find him for like a week, and then a week later they found him at our elementary school we used to grow up at. He was in the bushes there. And then the the next month my buddy who was in the marines he shot himself oh and then month after that you know bad things come in threes uh my older my friend's older brother like did the carbon monoxide and the hose shit that's where i was like dude i gotta like life's short man i gotta just do my thing you you know? Things do come in threes, and I'm just talking about the one girl from the OC that

was on stage earlier. Alright. Wow. That's crazy. My goodness. So that's good that you found a little outlet, Super Smash Brothers. Yeah. Stand-up comedy, too, I guess. I wish you would have found an outlet you could

stick a fork into. Oh. Jesus. Turning on your own kind back there. Can you get competitive with other Mexicans? Maybe. Are you getting drunk?

Patricia's on ketamine right now. Wow. Alright. Well, Chuck, anything else crazy We should know about you What do your Mexican parents do My dad doesn't work My mom is in insurance It's not too cool Why does your dad not work

He like he fucked up his back Like three years ago And did your mom get him insurance Like a lot of money? That's why they're still together. How did he hurt his back? Did it get too wet? He's like out of...

I approve. Oh, you're going to owe? Oh, you're going to owe? All right. Let's end the fucking show then. You want to owe? We know it's not from working. I tried to help you out by making it worse.

Wow, what a true friend. I love it. Well, Chuck, thanks for coming on this show. Fun times, congrats. Year and a half in the game. Chuck Roque. Okay. You guys want to do one more quick one?

All right. One more quick one. We'll get them up and out of here. Hell yeah. Look at our friends from Calgary over there that we hung out with last night. Yeah, what's up, guys? Fun fact, Kill Tony's coming to Calgary for the very first time in January.

Again, I don't think I was supposed to announce that either, but there's something to keep on the lookout for. Okay, your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Travis Tate, everyone. Here we go. Travis Tate. Here comes Travis Tate. His fucking name is Travis Tate. Hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here comes Travis Tate His fucking name is Travis Tate Ay

Yup, yup, yup, yup Your final comedian of the night Ladies and gentlemen Alright I like to think that when gay guys Talk trash to each other They probably say things like Oh yeah? Well that's not what your dad said last night

I know you're all probably wondering Well, that's not what your dad said last night. I know you're all probably wondering, and yes, I do have big nipples. I do. They are like, I can't even close the circle, guys. I'm not going to lie about it. They're a healthy portion, all right? I actually get excited when it's cold outside.

So when it's cold, they kind of shrink down and almost look normal. But during the warm summer months, they just spread out like a hot Toll House cookie. I think that's all I'm going to do. I don't know if that was close to a minute, but thank you. There you go, 45 seconds. Travis Tate. Still got 10 more seconds until that cat comes in. Travis, welcome to the show.

Grab that microphone, my friend. This is your first time here, right? Indeed, it is. Look at you, you big, likable, jolly man. Wow, there you go. All right. So, Travis, tell us about you. How long have you been doing comedy?

Eight years. Eight years. Where at? Salt Lake City. Salt Lake City. Salt Lake City, yes. My goodness. And that's where you still live?

Yes, I still live there. I'm just here for the week. Oh, cool. What are you doing here this week? Just hanging out, trying to get some spots, have some fun, yeah. There you go. Looks like you're doing a good job, buddy. Thank you.

So that happened. What do you do for work? I'm a mailman. You're a mailman? Yes, I'm a mailman. You're a mailman? Yes, I'm a mailman, indeed. Really? Yes. I've never really seen a fat mailman before.

That's because I don't have a walking route. I get to drive around for most of the day. Really? Yes. You have one of those things with the door that just slides? Yeah, just slide it right open, stick my arm out. I've got a definition on my arm, just not anywhere else. Heck yeah.

That arm is fucking ripped. Becky, is this the mailman stripper you got me? Uh-oh. Is that true? Have you ever been a stripper before? Have you ever stripped for anyone, Travis? Nobody's ever requested it. I think the bride would love it.

The bride would love it. Wow. Here we go. What a way to end tonight's show. Doesn't get any better than this. What is happening? Wow. Look at this. The bride. Oh my God. Wow. Damn.

That is incredible. I've never seen someone with a lap band give a lap dance. Wow, you do have big-ass nipples. I do, I do. My goodness. I'm kind of like self-conscious now. Wow. No, let him out.

Free the nips, dude. I feel like I want to go, when I was 19 years old, I got involved with the Russian mafia. Oh, wow. Yeah. No, I don't even think Bert's ever been that bad. It's incredible. No, no, no. All right.

Take the jeans off. All right. Bert and... That's less impressive. They're not as big. No, there's nothing big down there. What's not as big? You know what?

Oh. Oh, I see what you're saying. So, Travis, on the mail route, not a lot of walking, huh? No, no, no, no. Especially since Amazon's delivering a lot of their own stuff now. Okay. A lot of in-the-truck moments. Yep, yep. Right.

Those Amazon drivers with their small nipples. Travis, what's something we'd be surprised to know about you? Oh, shit. Hell, I don't know.'t know what's going on back there what are you laughing about i'm actually skinny i'm wearing a fat suit that's it this is all the character i'm really fat patricia's losing her mind back here i love it anything else crazy about you travis uh this is pretty much my biggest secret right here. I don't know how much more I could reveal.

That's it. What do you say to end this episode? Can you put the mic back in the mic stand? Yeah. And to end this episode and your appearance, how about you do five jumping jacks for us, huh? How many of you want to see that? And then we all go home.

Here we go. Wow. Three, four, five. Heck yeah. A groundbreaking performance by Travis Tate. He's on Twitter at Travis Tate funny. How about a hand for your guest tonight? Josh Potter, everybody. He's on Twitter at J underscore Potter, Instagram at Josh underscore Potter. Look at this drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt. It is un-fucking-believable. If you see Ryan J. walking around after the show, ask him to show you the print. He just made that while we all sat up here goofing around.

Josh Potter, check him out on your Mom's House podcast. He's going to be at Flapper's this Thursday, dirtying dishes that Malcolm's going to have to wash. And this Friday and Saturday, he's going to be at Flappers this Thursday, dirtying dishes that Malcolm's going to have to wash. And this Friday and Saturday, he's going to be at the Irvine Improv with the great Mark Norman, who's going to be joining us for the first time in L.A. in two weeks. Next week, it will be Doug Benson and another special guest joining him. And, yeah.

Josh, anything else? I appreciate you having me I'm sorry I spilled two beers but I have no death perception so it's great Josh we had fun with you and we'll get you back on real soon how about a hand for the great Becca everybody

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret that's actually Jeremiah Watkins everyone the new Kill Tony calendar is out now it's available at jeremiahwatkins.com he's Jeremiah stand up Jeremiah Watkins on YouTube

what else Jeremiah check out the calendar and there's new shirts there's bison shirts there's Jeremiah Wondershirt jeremiahwatkinsons.com. And give it up for this bitch that came tonight, Jetski Johnson. Yeah, the great Jesse Johnson. Another amazing performance. I absolutely love it when you're on this show.

You're incredible. You give balance to the forest. She's on social media, at Jetski Johnson. All one word. Anything else, Jessie? I love being here. Thanks for having me. Hell yeah. Chroma Chris, silent but deadly. A little extra quiet tonight. What do you think about tonight's episode?

Tony, it was definitely a keeper tonight. Tony, I would just like to give a shout out to Ernie Ball. Thank you. Ernie Ball. Fuck yeah. I love it. Jeremiah. Oh, and if anybody wants physical copies of the calendar, the Eric Staniford, our buddy shot, I have

them here tonight if you want to get them here tonight without having to go online and get them. So there you go. Eric Staniford is a great photographer. The calendar is amazing. I got my copy for the first time today. Follow Eric at ESP Eric on social media, all one word. And how about one more time for the great Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, huh?

Joel's on social media, mostly sorry. He's going to be taking his first trip to Australia with us this October. Anything else, Joel? Shout out to Ludwig Drums. I love you guys. Peace. Thanks for coming. Big announcements coming for Ohio and New York City very, very soon.

The new Ryan J. Ebel is a brand new Kill Tony the book. And when I say it is a must-have for every Kill Tony fan, I really mean it. It is absolutely incredible. It has every single drawing that's ever happened of

every Keltoni episode ever, including the road posters, including some special one-off things that he did on maybe a rare he couldn't make it to an episode or things like that. Very fun things. That's going to be available at ryanjebelt.com starting this Wednesday.

This Wednesday. So there you go. If you're a diehard Keltoni fan, make sure you get the second version of the book. Hey, and if you guys don't know, we broadcast this on our YouTube page. Please subscribe to it. Let us know how you think. Yeah, all the things that you do for all those other podcasts that ask you to do things, we don't ever ask for anything. But sure, go do that for us too.

The ratings, the tell your friends, the watch it live it live have view a lot of people at viewing parties i think they say smash that like button is that how they the kids do it yeah smash it and uh we'll see you soon in brisbane melbourne sydney dc uh dallas sacramento san francisco and the second show added to la jolla in only two weeks so if you're in the san diego area get there and if you're coming to the first show added to La Jolla in only two weeks. So if you're in the San Diego area, get there. And if you're coming to the first show, why not stay for the second? The audience that came tonight, you guys were awesome. We love you so much. We'll see you again next time. Good night, everybody.

Love you.オイルをぶつけては 飽きがつかんので固まって 固まってまたね。 Outro Music you