KILL TONY - KILL TONY #391

Episode Date: September 19, 2019

Doug Benson, Ali Macofsky, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 09/16/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit po...dcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:55 Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack, only at Kudo. Conditions apply. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.TV. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes of Kill Tony and tour dates. If you click on tour dates, you'll see that we're going to be in La Jolla, California, September 22nd. October 3rd, we're going to be in Dallas, Texas.
Starting point is 00:01:21 October 16th through 17th, we're going to be in Sacramento, California. October 18th and 19th is Kill Tony Mania. There's still some tickets left. That's going to be in San Francisco, California. Then October 25th, we're going to be in Australia, Brisbane. October 26th, we're going to be in Melbourne, Australia.
Starting point is 00:01:40 October 27th, we're going to be in Sydney, Australia. And then November 7th, we're going to be in Sydney, Australia And then November 7th we're going to be in Washington, D.C. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website TonyHinchcliffe.com There he has his own tour dates He's got some merch
Starting point is 00:01:57 Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist He draws every episode Check out RyanJjebelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. You also got some Kill Tony shirts left and a bunch of new stuff coming soon. So check out shopsquad.tv.
Starting point is 00:02:18 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band Company Live from the road-famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hatchikov! Fuck yeah! Here we are, everybody. Nobody has more fun than us on a Monday. Red Band's here.
Starting point is 00:02:49 Ryan J. E-Belt is here. He's drawing tonight's episode. The brand new Kill Tony the Book. Featuring every drawing he's ever done, including all the tour posters, just went on sale this week at ryanjebelt.com. So pick up the new Kill Tony the book, a necessity for every diehard Kill Tony fan. This is very exciting. Yep. So that's important. You hear it?
Starting point is 00:03:16 Okay. All right. Okay. I guess we're just going to keep moving along without making adjustments to that. So I'm excited to be here. Life is good. We're going on the road again really soon. We're going to La Jolla. Second show added September 22nd. That's a Sunday night in La Jolla. So all you San Diego kiddies, come out for a nice night of fun.
Starting point is 00:03:37 And then we go to Dallas October 3rd. There's a Kill Tony, an entire weekend of stand-up comedy there. Four shows in which I'm headlining and some of your favorite Kill Tony cast members doing spots as well. And then Kill Tony, Sacramento, California. Two shows, October 16th and 17th. That's the road to Kill Tony Mania because after that, it's Kill Tony Mania in San Francisco, October 18th and 19th, live from Cobbs. That's our biggest annual event. Basically a huge celebration.
Starting point is 00:04:02 I know for a fact there's a couple of very special guests that are going to be flying in for that show, a lot of fun stuff happening there. And then we don't take a break at all. Six days later, we fly to Brisbane, Australia for our first ever Australian stretch of a Kill Tony tour. The next night, Melbourne. The next night, Sydney. And then a week later, we're in Washington, D.C., doing our first ever Kill Tony in the capital of the United States of America, followed by an entire weekend of stand-up comedy again. And then, yep, big announcement coming, I believe, next week for New York and Ohio. Exciting stuff. The fun never ends as we're putting a big ribbon on our biggest travel year by far ever. We've been basically everywhere in the world, gaining a lot of wisdom.
Starting point is 00:04:48 And with age comes wisdom. But getting older can also be a downer in one area specifically. 40% of men by age 40 struggle from not being able to get and maintain an erection. Now, I'm under 40, but Brian, you're over 40. And we both know that ForHims.com is a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. This is your specialty. This is your territory. Yeah, everyone knows that I used to be addicted to those pills you got at the gas station, the boner pills.
Starting point is 00:05:14 And they're really bad for you. You don't know what you're having. Why don't you get real prescription medicine for ED instead? All you do is go on this website, and you answer a few questions, talk to a real doctor. You don't have to go to the doctor's office, and you get prescribed real medication for ED. It's awesome, simple, and safe. It's true. Thanks to science, ED can be optional, and it's hard made easy.
Starting point is 00:05:37 Say hello to your little friend. Try HIMS today by starting out with a free online visit. Go to HIMS.com slash kill. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S.com slash kill. 4hymns.com slash kill. Prescription products are subject to doctor approval and require an online consultation with a physician who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. See website for full details and safety information. This could cost hundreds if you went in person to the doctor's office or pharmacy. Remember, that's 4hims.com slash killtony.
Starting point is 00:06:06 You guys ready to start tonight's episode, huh? I am. As you can tell by my incredible reading abilities, I've been drinking delicious Caveman Nitro Cold Brew Coffee. It uses nitrogen. This is literally, it has replaced my nine dollar a day coffee habit uh i absolutely love this drink and it is incredible um so you can go to cavemancoffee.com use the promo code kill tony and save i believe 15 on all orders of caveman coffee so let's get right into tonight's
Starting point is 00:06:39 show as always i always have one or two of my funniest friends in the world on this show. I'm very excited about this. This is the return of two of our favorite comedians ever. One is one of, I believe, the three top used guests on the show's history. I think the most. Could easily be the most used guest in our
Starting point is 00:06:59 history. And the other is one of our most successful and favorite regulars, built here on this show starting at the age of 19 in the show's history. So I present to you the great Doug Benson and Allie Makovsky. Wow. This is exciting. Allie, right here.
Starting point is 00:07:23 That's good. This way we can keep a little baby right in the middle there. Welcome, Allie Makovsky, fresh off of an entire weekend doing arenas with the great Joe Rogan. Look how the little baby has grown up. It's been, what, four years since we met you here? Made you a regular almost immediately? I actually just re-watched. One of my favorite things to do once every few months is to re-watch the beginning of the five-year anniversary for this show. And there's such a cool video of Bruce Buffer
Starting point is 00:07:54 bringing you up for your first time as a regular spot up in the belly room. And it just gives me the chills. The 19-year-old Ali Makovsky was in your intro. That was so cool. And then I got to go to the UFC for the first time with Joe. And then Bruce was there.
Starting point is 00:08:09 Yeah. And that was so nuts. And Bruce is a huge fan of Kill Tony. Oh, yeah. So he's just as starstruck seeing you as you are seeing him. That's cool. That wasn't a joke. The great Doug Benson is here, ladies and gentlemen.
Starting point is 00:08:24 One of our favorite guests in the show's history. Hello, everyone. We have what we call good synergy. Doug is the host of many, well, you're both hosts of great podcasts. Allie has Resting Bitch Face available everywhere. And, of course, Doug has... Just Resting Bitch. Oh, Just Resting Bitch. That's right.
Starting point is 00:08:39 That's right. I added face to that because it makes me so happy that, I don't know, who gives a fuck. And Doug, of course, the host of Doug Loves Movies, Getting Doug With High, so many great shows that I love participating in and being a guest on. How's it going, Doug? It's going great. Very excited to be here. Thanks to Speedweed for hooking me up backstage Yeah, Speedweed
Starting point is 00:09:07 Doug, you've been doing this show since we started Almost six and a half years ago How cool is this that this is the turnout on a regular Monday? How about a hand for yourselves for all coming out here? Yeah, you did it Alright, well You're sort of excited to be here I can feel a little bit of excitement there
Starting point is 00:09:23 Not really an uproarious applause on that, but maybe we'll have more fun as the show goes on. Now, as you guys both know, since you've both been... Oh, look who that is. Is there any clips coming through the room right now? It's the great Aphrodite, everybody. Look at that, Kill Tony Royalty. And speaking of Kill Tony Royalty,
Starting point is 00:09:43 one of my favorite things about this show is some of my hilarious friends that are members of the band. Every single week they get into different characters. We never know what they're going to be. Maybe it's a brand new character. Maybe it's the return of some of our favorite characters that we've ever seen. You guys fans of this show? Well, then let's all find out what they are together. I present to you the best damn band in the land.
Starting point is 00:10:04 It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Chroma Chris, and Joel Bird, Joel Jimenez. Here we go. Whoa! Wow. Wow. What is... They are break dancers.
Starting point is 00:10:26 We've seen this before. They are break dancing. Oh, my God. Hell, yeah. We've seen these guys before. Last time we saw them was Phoenix, Arizona. These are, I believe, Russian break dancers. Am I correct?
Starting point is 00:10:47 Am I correct over there? Top break dancers in all of Russia. Hey. And remind us, what is your name, lead Russian break dancer? My name is Gorshkov. Okay. You never make it easy for me. Grodzkov?
Starting point is 00:11:04 Gorsh, like Gorsh. Okay. Kov, like Kov. Stupid Americans. Ha, ha, ha. Gorshkov. Okay. And next to you, clearly we have I can't really see him. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:11:19 Looks just like Chroma Chris. How are you, buddy? Good. Name is Boris. Boris. Okay. And then back... Oh, wow. Look at this. Clearly, somehow, every character is a woman with Joel.
Starting point is 00:11:36 Here we are with young... You like what you see, Tony? Yeah, I love it. My name is Patruska. I am number one female breakdancer in all of Russia. Patruska, fuck yeah. You have sort of a deep voice for a female. You know, you do enough head spins, stuff changes. I'll do a fucking windmill on your cock, you better be careful.
Starting point is 00:11:57 Whoa, Petrushka, easy. Fucking Russia. Oh my God, Jesus. She has slept with all nine of my brothers oh my goodness I couldn't be happier to have Russian breakdancers here Doug, Ali, Brian Soundboard yeah the great Ryan J.E. Belt
Starting point is 00:12:13 I mentioned him earlier he's drawing tonight's episode for the next book again the new book is out which brings me to this the bucket of destiny everyone this is what the show is all about bunch of people sign up for the chance to get on this show to is out, which brings me to this, the bucket of destiny, everyone. This is what the show is all about. A bunch of people sign up for the chance to get on this show, to
Starting point is 00:12:29 talk to us, to do 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up comedy and then get interviewed by me and this illustrious panel and we find out more about your life and what makes you special. And you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're gonna bring out the angry west hollywood bear
Starting point is 00:12:48 that's it you guys ready to start this show or what very good good good this is very good i like you guys this is a fun little fucking monday crowd and i must warn you in this era of things being cancelled, I must warn you that if you're faint of heart at all, then you have no idea where you're at. Tony, Tony, in Russia, things cancel you. Very good. In Russia, they clearly don't wait for the host to stop talking
Starting point is 00:13:21 before getting their joke out. What is host? This is communist country. Nobody's in charge. Well, let's start things off with a bang here, ladies and gentlemen. It's been a long time since we've seen this young man on this show. He has notoriously been pulled out of the bucket numerous times, but it's been a long time since we've seen him. It's his return.
Starting point is 00:13:44 Make some noise for Manuel Herrera, everyone. Manuel Herrera. Gordzkov, Boris, and Petruska are here. Here he comes.
Starting point is 00:14:01 You want it, baby, you got it. Just bust a moo Hey, hey, one more time for Manuel Herrera. Good afternoon, y'all. So I did an edible suppository, and damn. I went to the strip club at 3 in the morning, after hours, Sam's after hours. I got ripped off for 250
Starting point is 00:14:25 bucks. Goddamn suppositories, you know? Her name was Nicole. She had a tattoo right here on her neck. And I was like, hey, who's Ralph? And she goes, oh yeah, that's my baby daddy. And I was like, damn, you move good. I'm fucking jealous. And she goes, no, we're not with, he's not with me anymore. And I was like, damn. Can I have my name on the right side? But yeah, long story short, don't do edibles. It's a pository. You get ripped off for $250.
Starting point is 00:14:57 And yeah. It's a sad story. Forgive me. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Very interesting set there, Manuel. I have a lot of questions about it.
Starting point is 00:15:16 You ready for this? Start from the top. So is that true? Yeah, dude. $250 for 15 minutes, dude. Wow. How does this happen? What happened?
Starting point is 00:15:28 I've never been to a strip club before. And you decided to go to one before or after you put weed up your asshole? After. So you did a supposit, or was it your first time putting something in your butt? Yeah. How did that go? Okay, there you go. I don't recommend it. You don't recommend it? No. Did you put it in butt? Yeah. How did that go? Okay, there you go. I don't recommend it.
Starting point is 00:15:46 You don't recommend it? No. Did you put it in yourself? Yeah. Was it hard? Kind of, yeah. I'm going to check in with Gordchkov real quick. Yes, I am confused.
Starting point is 00:15:55 Was the stripper's name Nicole or was the suppository's name Nicole? Oh, the stripper. The stripper. All right. So, and what made you do an edible... Yeah, wait, you said edible suppository. Was Brenda the other name of the stripper there?
Starting point is 00:16:12 Why do they just have straightforward names at the strip club? I guess she wanted to be real with me. You are a fascinating weird man. Oh, yeah, he is. I'm the weird one? Okay. So you called it an edible suppository, correct? That was the verbiage that you used.
Starting point is 00:16:28 Yeah, yeah. So how could it be both an edible and a suppository? That's right. Did you shove a brownie up your ass, dude? Something like that, yeah. You eat it up with your butt. Your butt eats it up. In hindsight, it was a mistake.
Starting point is 00:16:41 I should have just eaten it, but... That's what most people say about suppositories. I should have just eaten it. Gorgecoff, sure. In Russia, we do not have edible arrangements. We have edible suppositories. So tell me, Manuel, what did the packaging on this thing say? It was just like a cookie, and I just mushed it, and I put it up.
Starting point is 00:17:04 Wait a second shut the fuck are you being serious yeah you had 60 seconds to say that in your stand-up act and you didn't mention that i wanted to condense it i don't know i just you didn't think that that part might be interesting no because that's dirty that's dirty yeah Okay. Was it just an Oreo? Was it just a regular cookie? Was it a snickerdoodle? Did you just misread it? No. Tony, that was not a suppository, but it was a retarded story.
Starting point is 00:17:38 I feel like that's the type of situation where you're like, this definitely isn't a suppository, but I do want to put something in my ass tonight well it's because I had heard about vodka tampons and then hitting you hard and I was like I'm going to try it out with an edible and see what happens are you fucking kidding me no
Starting point is 00:17:58 are you absolutely fucking kidding me I fucked up huh how much of this cookie did you shove up your ass fucking kidding me? I fucked up, huh? How much of this cookie did you shove up your ass? Like, whatever fits on two fingers? I don't know.
Starting point is 00:18:12 Two fingers? So you put two fingers in your ass, too? Well, not all the way. How far? Show me. Like, that far? I don't know. Yeah, you put two fingers in your ass, dude. I picture it like an entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy. So I think we figured out how you spent $250.
Starting point is 00:18:34 That's how much it costs to have a stripper eat a cookie out of your ass. Yeah, I guess. So, okay, you got to the strip club, and then what happens? Could you even sit down, or was it making the whole place smell like oatmeal raisins? I was standing, and the security guard was like, are you going to get a dance or what? Because I was just standing. Where were you standing?
Starting point is 00:18:54 Like by the back, watching it for free, and he got mad. He was like, hey, are you going to? How long were you standing there for? 20 minutes. 20 minutes. How long did you have a boner for? For a good while. First he had cookies, then he had cream. How long did you have a boner for? For a good while.
Starting point is 00:19:07 First he had cookies, then he had cream. So you're standing there with 20 minutes in the back of a strip club just staring, your hands in your pockets? Yeah. And cookies in your asshole? Yeah. And you kept the cookies in your ass during this part, right? Well, you're saying cookies. It was a portion of a cookie.
Starting point is 00:19:27 I know it wasn't multiple cookies. I know you didn't take a roll of Thin Mints and shove them up your ass. He put the crumbs in his bum. Okay. All right, Petruska. You're getting a little wild. I'll fuck you. You better be careful.
Starting point is 00:19:42 Don't fuck me, Petruska, please. Oh, my God. So, okay. So you my God. So, okay. So you're watching. Then they tell you to get a dance. They smell that you're a sucker, right? Yeah, exactly. Because you're just standing there like a fucking school shooter watching from the back of the room.
Starting point is 00:19:54 Yeah, dude, like a stone school shooter. And the dude was like, are you going to get a dance or tip him or if not, get out of here? And I was like, yeah, yeah, sure. And some girl came up to me right away. What strip club tells you to get out if you don't get a dance? I've never heard this before. Well, that's because you're always just going and getting a dance, Brian. I have a question.
Starting point is 00:20:11 Did you get this idea of sticking cookie up your bum from a Limp Bizkit song? Nope. So you can stick the cookie and shove it up your yeah. Shove it up your yeah. Wow. Limp Bizkit still huge over in Russia. Number one hit single, Limp Bizkit, still huge over in Russia. Number one hit single, Limp Bizkit,
Starting point is 00:20:27 Nookie, I did it all for you. So let's get to the, let's get to the $250 question here. What happened in the, what happened to, yeah, what happened next?
Starting point is 00:20:36 Well, she was already holding my hand. We're going to the little area where they lap dance on you. I got the 250 from an ATM. Next, the guy where he charges you, and then she took me into the room.
Starting point is 00:20:47 What made you get $250 out? They told you? Like, oh, it's going to be $250 for a dance, you fucking idiot. That's what they told you? And I was like, yeah, sure, let's get it on. I can't wait. What did you think was going to happen for $250?
Starting point is 00:21:01 I don't know. Maybe I would get erect and then we would do something. He thought for $250 she would put the whole cookie up his ass. I think I was too high to get fully erect so it didn't really happen. Please stop saying erect. It's very uncomfortable for everybody here.
Starting point is 00:21:19 I'm trying to be a little PC. Yeah, sure. Yes, talk more PC about shoving cookie up ass while being PC. Then this stripper stroke my dickhole. Very nice. PC stands for poop cookie. That's what that is.
Starting point is 00:21:34 So you get 250 out, and then what? It's one song? Yeah. One song. No, no, no. 15 minutes? No, she put it on her cell phone, the timer. Oh, I thought you were going to say she put the music on her cell phone.
Starting point is 00:21:47 This is the worst lap dance I've ever heard of in my life. Just in a room, just a chick playing. She put her cell phone in a cereal bowl. And I started. The Russian stereo, right? Russian stereo. Okay. The Russian stereo, right? The Russian stereo. Ah! Okay, so you pay the $2.50, 15 minutes, and then what?
Starting point is 00:22:14 She was grinding on me. The timer went off and the cookies were ready. It has begun. Joel Berg is in full effect, ladies and gentlemen. Petruska. Petruska's hat just fell off. I will fuck you tonight. No, Petruska, no, please, don't fuck me.
Starting point is 00:22:40 All right, well, Manuel, we've had a lot of fun moments with you in the history of this show. We've learned a lot about you. What are some of the other highlights you remember right yeah the Twitter chick yeah oh yeah you're the one that kept tweeting at a random girl in North Carolina she's still around yeah
Starting point is 00:22:57 I hope so have you still been tweeting at her I don't want to get blocked from her so I just tweet every now and then, like once a month maybe. Hell yeah. I keep it light, you know? That's right.
Starting point is 00:23:10 Keep it light. Yes, of course. Yeah, dude. Of course. Anything else for Manuel, guys? Well, there you go. You could take those jokes, Manuel, and shove them up your ass.
Starting point is 00:23:23 Hey, Limp Bizkit. There he is, Manuel Herrera, ladies, and shove them up your ass. Hey, Limp Bizkit. There he goes, Manuel Herrera, ladies and gentlemen, getting the party started. He's on Twitter at Wintersnake, all one word. That's right. There he goes, everyone. Manuel Herrera. You got it.
Starting point is 00:23:41 You want it, baby. You just bust a move. Heck, yeah. How exciting. What a great way to start the show. You guys having fun out there? Okay. Let's keep the fun train moving along.
Starting point is 00:23:55 Make some noise for Justin Glocker. Justin Glockter. Here he comes. For those of you that fast-forwarded through the beginning, don't forget Australia, San Francisco, Sacramento, La Jolla, D.C. Here he is, Justin Glocker, everybody. Good evening, gentlemen, ladies. How you doing?
Starting point is 00:24:11 Excellent. Sex robots, huh? Why are they making them better? Why don't we just make better fucking people? I don't know. Like, if I get a sex robot, I think I'm getting a Roomba. That way, when it's done sucking me off it can clean the house you know i uh one time i met shaquille o'neal i work in a restaurant right it was really dark i met shaq so he doesn't shake your hand he shakes your entire fucking forearm
Starting point is 00:24:39 and i felt like all of his fingers wrap around my arm and i'm pretty sure that all of his fingers wrap around my arm. And I'm pretty sure that all of his fingers are definitely bigger than my dick. So, yeah. That's many, right? No? 15 seconds. 15 seconds. All right. I just turned 33.
Starting point is 00:24:59 Right? Don't clap for that. Don't applaud that. I didn't die at 27, so I'm not going to become one of the greats. But, like, when I was a kid, I used to pluck the gray hairs off my dog because I didn't want my dogs to get old and die on me. And that was three dogs ago, so that does not work. All right.
Starting point is 00:25:20 Wow, Jesus. Good God. I thought we were getting there. I thought we were getting there. I thought we were getting somewhere at the end. So, welcome, Justin. Have you been on this show before? Once. Yeah, what happened that episode?
Starting point is 00:25:34 The same thing that just happened. That's a great answer. Maybe you should have written some new jokes. Have you seen the Netflix series Chernobyl? Yeah, this is Sam. This is the guy that let the meltdown happen. You guys made it out of there in time, right? Barely.
Starting point is 00:25:55 So, Justin, welcome, welcome. You talked about how if you had a sex robot, you'd want it to be a Roomba. Right? Why, again? Because when it's done sucking me off, it could vacuum the house. Well, you also said that your dick is smaller than... Have you ever just thought about trying to fuck a Roomba?
Starting point is 00:26:11 Have you ever done that? No. I mean, it's already sucking off the whole house. So you might as well get in there. Yeah. So you're with me on this. Just dress up as a carpet. Gorgecoff?
Starting point is 00:26:23 Yes. Can we do experiment with that same joke? Could you add an Andrew Dice Clay O right after you say that joke? I think it will kill. Do it. Let's do it.
Starting point is 00:26:32 No. You can do it, Justin. Come on. Just do the same joke but really commit to it. All right. So the sex robots are getting better, right?
Starting point is 00:26:42 And I'm just like, why don't we make better fucking people? If I get a sex robot, it's going to be a Roomba. That way, when it's done sucking me off, it can vacuum the house. Oh! Hey! Look at that.
Starting point is 00:26:55 Look at them. A standing ovation? That's a human being standing in the back of the room. A standing ovation that Kilton had never seen before. That's a real standing ovation. One out of 400 people stood up there. We're counting it. Standing ovation, Handra and Stevie.
Starting point is 00:27:11 All it takes is one. I love it. So you work at a restaurant. What do you do at that restaurant? Serve. You're a server. How long have you been doing that for? Three years.
Starting point is 00:27:18 And you just turned what age? 33. 33. Absolutely. Have you always lived in L.A.? No. Where are you from? Reno, Nevada. Reno, always lived in LA? No. Where are you from?
Starting point is 00:27:25 Reno, Nevada. Reno, the world's biggest little city. The Russia of the United States. How long have you been doing stand-up? Probably about three and a half years. Three and a half years. What do you like to do for fun? Tell us about your real life. Music.
Starting point is 00:27:46 Yeah, what do you do musically? Play guitar. Yeah? Yeah. How long have you been doing that for? Probably 11 years. Really? 11 years?
Starting point is 00:27:53 My goodness. Yeah. You play any other instruments? Drums. I guess fuck around on like pianos. How long have you been playing drums for? Seven years. Seven years?
Starting point is 00:28:04 Well, I mean, Jiminy fucking Crickets. It's been a long time, but Petruska. Petruska, looks like I'm going to fuck you tonight. The crowd's going crazy. I don't know. Have you ever seen this show before? Have you ever seen a Mexican drum off before? Do you know what that is?
Starting point is 00:28:25 No. Well, Justin, I have really good news for you. Since you play the drums, you right now have an opportunity to take Joel Berg's job from him. There's a special segment on this show called a Mexican. He's definitely a better drummer than I am. I know that for sure. Justin. But I'm probably a better guitar player than he is. I'm also a better
Starting point is 00:28:45 person. Justin. Justin, have you ever seen a show of any kind before? Yeah. Alright, well then don't fucking step on the premise, you fucking garbage hole idiot. So hear me out here, Justin.
Starting point is 00:29:01 Here's how it goes. You ready? You have a chance even though you completely lack the confidence to do so, you have a chance at becoming a full-time member of the Kill Tony band. This means you would travel the world with us. You would be on this show every week. This is the number one live podcast in the world. You have a chance to do that. All you have to do is a drum solo. You play drums for, you know, I don't know, fucking 20, 40 seconds or however you feel. Just
Starting point is 00:29:33 show off a little bit. Have some fun. Stay loose. Not that much pressure. It's just going to change your life or not. And if you do better than Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, you're the new drummer, and he has to wait tables. But if you don't, everything stays the same, and you go right back to... But then Russian drum off, you lose. We kill your family. Yeah. So what do you say? You down for the challenge?
Starting point is 00:29:58 Fuck it. Let's do it. It's a Mexican drum off. Go ahead, Justin. Get behind the drums there. Go ahead. There he is. Justin ahead, Justin. Get behind the drums there. Go ahead. There he is. Justin Glockner.
Starting point is 00:30:08 It's been a long time since we had a Mexican drum off, especially here on home field advantage. Joelberg's in the back preparing. All right, here he is, Justin Glockner, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh. Oh. Oh, shit. Oh. Oh.
Starting point is 00:30:27 Oh. This is a good performance. Oh, you're done? Wow, Justin Gloucester. That was great. Very good. Very good. One of the better challenges that we've had.
Starting point is 00:30:54 Very good, Justin. I like your style. You played it down like you really didn't know shit about drums, and then you had a great appearance. Now I'm going to warn you now, Justin. All time, Joel Berg on Mexican Drum Ops is undefeated He's about, my guess would probably be I don't know, 25, 30 and 0, something like that
Starting point is 00:31:11 But who knows, this could be the chance that you become The newest member of the band But for now, I present to you The reigning defending champion of the Kill Tony Mexican Drum Off Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Yes! He's wearing lingerie. Every single time he gets a little more feminine. Fuck this guy. All right.
Starting point is 00:31:58 Here he is defending his throne. You know him. You love him. It's Joel Berg, Joel the Menace. You know what? This guy was so bad, I'm going to close my eyes during this. Petrusca is closing her eyes. She pulled
Starting point is 00:32:11 her wig over her eyes. Oh my God. He's using one hand. He's unbelievable. He lost a drumstick. He's lost his wig. Oh! He's hitting everything available. He's playing the audience.
Starting point is 00:32:46 He's in the audience. He's gone into the audience. He's running around the paper. He's got a chair. He's got a chair. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 00:33:15 He's going for blood, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. Wow. A dominating performance. Look at his hair. Look at his hair. How many of you have Justin Glocker winning that drama? How many of you have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez winning that one?
Starting point is 00:33:43 Wow. Well, Justin, you know what, man? Look, you got this whole crowd in a frenzy, so thank you for being part of it. What kind of frenzy was that? Well, I mean, if he didn't admit to playing drums and didn't play along, we never would have hit that
Starting point is 00:33:57 super climactic moment this early in the show. So I appreciate you, and I appreciate your sportsmanship for playing the drums. I don't appreciate the 60 seconds of comedy that you did, but I mean, you know, at the end of the day, that's not even what this whole show's about. It's about the whole kit and caboodle.
Starting point is 00:34:14 Tony, I have kit and caboodle for you later if you want to. I will fuck you. Alright. I mean, you put it like that, maybe I will play with your caboodle. Can I just say Petrushka has biggest clit I've ever seen? Like you said, we barely escaped Chernobyl. There have been things that have changed due to radiation.
Starting point is 00:34:36 Okay. These Russian breakdancers are out of control. How about one more time for Justin Glocker, everybody? Come on. Wow. This is a fun fucking episode to me. My
Starting point is 00:34:53 goodness. Gorgecoff, how do you feel about your girl Petruska pulling that out? She has made all of Mother Russell very proud. She really has. Okay Mother Russell very proud. Oh, yeah. She really has.
Starting point is 00:35:07 Okay, your next comedian goes by the name. This looks like a new name. We love new names on this show. Make some noise for Esther Navarez. Here we go. Esther Navarez. Here she comes from deep out of the corner.
Starting point is 00:35:27 Somebody Here she comes from deep out of the corner. Here she comes. Somebody with somebody to love. Oh, I want to dance with somebody. One more time for Esther Navarez. All right. Oh, I don't want to block anything. All right. I'm Mexican, yes. And, yeah, I say't want to block anything. All right. I'm Mexican. Yes.
Starting point is 00:35:47 And, yeah, I say that because people wonder what I am. Yeah, I was at a bar one time. This guy said to me, what are you? You look so exotic. I said, I'm Mexican. And he went, hmm. He goes, you know, you don't have to say that. You can make something up. I was like, what the what? I was like, all right, you don't have to say that.
Starting point is 00:36:06 You can make something up. I was like, what the what? I was like, all right, I got it. Ask me again. I got it. He's like, so what are you? Using you for drinks. That's what was happening at that moment.
Starting point is 00:36:19 But, yeah, I mean, I don't like using guys for drinks because what I have found is if a guy buys you a drink, he wants to talk to you. And sometimes that's super gross, right? It's gross. Yeah, like a drink costs like $8 maybe. It takes me like an hour to finish a drink. So now I'm entertaining this
Starting point is 00:36:36 motherfucker for $8 an hour? Eh. That's less than minimum wage. At that point, I'm like a really cheap geisha, like a Groupon geisha. Thank you very much. Yeah, Esther Navarez.
Starting point is 00:36:55 Do not be in anyone's way. All right. There you go. You're right in the right spot, Esther. You're even blending in perfectly with the break dancers. It's perfect. Who made those jogging suits for you guys, by the way? Nice thin clothing. spot, Esther. You're even blending in perfectly with the break dancers. It's perfect. Who made those jogging suits for you guys,
Starting point is 00:37:08 by the way? NiceTenClothing. We are sponsored. Oh, wow. That seems like a legit cool company over there. It is a male porn star in Australia. He sent me things. He does not stop once I give a dress.
Starting point is 00:37:23 Fun fact. A little behind-the-scenes info. That's funny because it's true. They actually got sent the breakdancing outfits from a guy who runs a clothing company. It wasn't until after they'd worn them on the show a couple times in which they clicked on his profile and realized he's a male porn star that just started his own clothing company. And they've been wearing porn star clothes this whole time. I click on Twitter. He is coming everywhere, all over his hand.
Starting point is 00:37:51 He DM'd me a message. He goes, I'm just a male porn star with a daughter trying to make it. And I go, hold up one second here. Did not realize. Go to Twitter. Come. Oh, no. Esther Navarez, welcome to the show.
Starting point is 00:38:04 This is your first time, correct? Yes. How long have you been doing stand-up? On and off for like 10 years, I think. Why so on and off? I had a job. Well, I have a job, but I mean just like working and life and things get in the way. Like what?
Starting point is 00:38:20 What type of? No, come on. She didn't have a baby. Put that. Okay. No, I mean nothing horrible. Did you have a baby? No, come on. She didn't have a baby. Put that. Okay. No, I mean, nothing horrible. Did you have a baby? No, God, no.
Starting point is 00:38:29 Okay. We just assumed because of your last name. Ha. No, and I'm an only child. Wow. Look at that. It's a goddamn anomaly. That explains the Esther part, huh?
Starting point is 00:38:40 How'd you get that first name? My aunt is named Esther. I don't know how she got it. Both of your parents Mexican? Wow 100% Very strange Yeah this one looks Mexican
Starting point is 00:38:53 But he's Russian She is Russian Oh yeah Canceled So what type of stuff in life are we talking about? You said a lot of life, a lot of this. Oh, things that go in and out. Like for the last 10 years, what's kept you from?
Starting point is 00:39:11 Let's see. What all has happened? Oh, had a friend pass away. That's not funny and fun. I don't know. I'm trying to think of stuff. Could be funny and fun. How'd the friend pass away?
Starting point is 00:39:21 Ovarian cancer. Woo! Yeah! Oh, oh, oh! Absolutely. Yes. Hell yeah. Ovarian cancer. Woo. Yes. Oh, oh, oh. Absolutely. Yes. Hell yeah. That's one way.
Starting point is 00:39:29 I don't know. You just got to throw in a oh after it. Can you do that? Can you say my friend died from ovarian cancer and then throw a dice tag on there? My friend died of ovarian cancer. Oh. That's right. Right?
Starting point is 00:39:43 It's a oh. What? That was like we felt your cancer. Oh! That's right. What? That's an oh? What? That was like, we felt your pain. Oh! She did! Oh, she did! Oh!
Starting point is 00:39:54 Varian cancer. Yeah! Incredible. So, was she Mexican too? No. Oh, okay. She's just a plain white girl.
Starting point is 00:40:04 Yeah, that's typical ovarian cancer shit. One of the curses that white women have had bestowed upon them. Allie here has survived ovarian cancer like nine times already. Yeah. Sweet. She has what we call a bad basket of eggs, if you know what I'm saying. Maybe the old huevos rancheros, you might call it. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:40:27 She hasn't really had a baby. Easter is my favorite holiday. Yeah. Because you're still trying to find your eggs. Hello. Ovarian cancer jokes. Okay. So you had a friend die.
Starting point is 00:40:39 I'm trying to think of all the other things, but maybe it was your laziness at times. I don't even know. Sure. What do you do for work? I'm an audio engineer. Oh, audio engineer. Very interesting. How long have you been doing that a long time? Yes. That's sometimes on and off with that too. But yes, went to school for it. Now I mix trailers now that I got to LA. So very cool. Like movie trailers, but mostly localizations, which means most of them are in
Starting point is 00:41:05 Vietnamese and stuff. Portuguese, Spanish, yeah. Yeah, we've met some Vietnamese people. Don't do the accent is what I'm saying in my head. Really? Why? Because of all the stuff that's happening right now?
Starting point is 00:41:22 Yeah, you can't make fun of Asians right now. So, you know, it's one of the things that's happening right now? Yeah, you can't make fun of Asians right now. So, you know, it's one of the things that's happening. So anyway, how long you been making trailers for
Starting point is 00:41:37 chink movies? Oh, shit. Anyway. Now you'll never be on Saturday Night Drive. What will I ever do without being on an hour and a half long live show every week? Oh, man. I just moved to L.A. in May. Oh, from where? From week. Oh, man. I just moved to LA in May. Oh, from where? From Detroit. Oh, wow. Very cool. Alone
Starting point is 00:42:11 Mexican in Detroit. There's a Mexican town. There is? Yeah, southwest. So all my relatives are there. Oh, very interesting. So I don't have to start with Mexico. Yes, Ocho Mayo. Yes. Yes.
Starting point is 00:42:27 That. Nice. It got translated in Russian and everything. Yes. Esther, what do you like to do for fun? What are, like, hobbies of yours? What are some things? Hobbies.
Starting point is 00:42:39 I got a bodyboard, so I've been going to the ocean since May. I play clarinet, so I love to be in the band. You really play clarinet? Yeah, I do play clarinet. Off and on for a couple years. Yeah, exactly. Kind of, though. So you take your bodyboard out in the ocean, you get on it?
Starting point is 00:42:58 Wow. I just got it. So one could say that you're a wet front. Yes. We have bodyboarding in Russia. It's when a father takes a two-by-four and slaps you across the face. Oh, my God. Wow, a whole different kind of bodyboarding.
Starting point is 00:43:19 So, okay, you go bodyboarding. You do that. What else? I play clarinet. I have a meditation gong that I play. Oh, you go bodyboarding. You do that. What else? Play clarinet. I have a meditation gong that I play. Oh, you do? It's all doom, doom. Yes, lovely.
Starting point is 00:43:31 Nothing more relaxing than that meditation gong you found there, Red Hand. Oh, I know when I want to relax. In Detroit, that is just a hubcap. It tricks me every time. I think, oh, Long Duck Dong is here. Oh, he's not a hubcap. It tricks me every time I think, oh, Long Duck Dong is here. Oh, he's not? Damn it. Speaking of Long Duck Dong, what was that in Petruska's
Starting point is 00:43:53 pants earlier? Alright. Wow. That's so fun, Esther. So what is your love life like? You talk about... Love life. I am dating a comedian. Ooh. Oh! love life like you talk about love life i am dating a comedian oh yeah we're like that one's all that one's been on it didn't even on and off that one well the first year was kind of
Starting point is 00:44:14 we've been like fucking for seven years and dating for six years so damn look at that that's wild it worked out who doesn't my goodness go to, like, mics together and stuff? Mm-hmm. We've done shows together. Who's funnier? Don't hate each other. He's done more than me, so I'm going with him. That's your excuse.
Starting point is 00:44:36 Yeah, I'm going with him. Is he in the bucket tonight? No, he's not. He had to go walk a dog. Has he ever done this show? He has not. He's been in the bucket, but he has not come out of the bucket. He had to go walk a dog?
Starting point is 00:44:47 He did. Not his dog? No. He does the dog walking thing? He does the dog walking thing. And it was an emergency dog walk. Yeah, yeah, he's cheating on you. The old gotta walk a dog.
Starting point is 00:45:01 He walks dogs and you walk rooms. Oh, Patruska. Oh, fuck off! Oh! By the way, with our luck, this will be the one-time Dice is in the back of the room watching like, you know what? Maybe I'll finally do this show next week. Let's see what they're doing in here.
Starting point is 00:45:22 Oh, they're fucking mocking me. Oh! Is that how he reacts to things in his daily life that he's not happy about? I got a parking ticket. Oh! I'm like, Dice, you want to do Kill Tony next week? He's like, no!
Starting point is 00:45:41 All right. Do you think he takes his fingerless gloves off when he fingers someone? No. No. Well, Esther, so much fun. So nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too.
Starting point is 00:45:55 We love it when we get new faces up here. Welcome from Detroit. Thank you. Stick with it, man. Stand-up's one of those things to where everybody wants to do it. And if you want to do it, you've got to stay in it. I mean, you could ask these guys. I don't ever really take breaks.
Starting point is 00:46:11 And I'm one of the top young rising comedians in the world. So I don't take a break. We had you. We had you in Detroit with Danny Brown. It was amazing. Oh, you were there? Yes. Wow, that was a live train wreck.
Starting point is 00:46:21 Yes. Yes. One more time for Esther Navarez, everybody. She made it all the way to L.A. From Detroit to beautiful Los Angeles, where the weather has been incredible lately. With somebody to love you How about a hand for the band?
Starting point is 00:46:48 Just killing it tonight. New songs every week. Too much fun. Too much fun. Okay. Make some noise for your next comedian. John Daniel Luna. John Daniel Luna. John Daniel Luna.
Starting point is 00:47:08 There he comes. Here he comes. Here he is, John Daniel Luna, ladies and gentlemen. I want to mention something off the top. I have a skin disease, if you haven't noticed. It's okay. People like to come up to me with their theories on what they think it is. This guy came up to me in a bar one time.
Starting point is 00:47:39 He was like, is your wife or anyone close to you slowly poisoning you with arsenic? I mean, I was flattered that he thought that I could have a wife. Or anyone close to me. I want to tell you a story. I lost my virginity on the day of the Women's March. Okay, which part do you guys not believe? Yeah, lost my virginity on the day of the Women's March. Okay, which part do you guys not believe? Yeah. Lost my virginity on the day of the
Starting point is 00:48:07 Women's March. Kind of feel bad about it, because this girl went to the Women's March, became empowered, then came home and had sex with me. You know? But her body, her bad choice, right? There you go. Absolutely perfect. John David Luna.
Starting point is 00:48:28 Talking about himself. Talking about his real life. Acknowledging something that only he can talk about, which is a skin disease. You've had that your whole life? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, what is it? What's it called?
Starting point is 00:48:42 It's called psoriasis. Oh, that's what happens when a brown guy gets psoriasis, huh? Little white spots on you. That is my uncle's name. Psoriasis. My goodness. So welcome to the show, John Daniel. This is your first time. I think I'd remember you.
Starting point is 00:48:58 Look at you, like a big Mexican Rick Moranis or something like that. I like your style, dude. So you're a big, adorable Mexican nerdy type. Am I right about that? Sure, yeah. Sure? Sure, yeah. Part turtle.
Starting point is 00:49:18 How long have you been doing stand-up? Like five, six months. Okay, that's great. Five or six months, and you're already talking about the real shit. Look at that. Getting some love here on Kill Tony. A lot of people that have been doing
Starting point is 00:49:33 it five or six months, their sets are spottier than your skin. So you've been doing it five or six months. Have you lived in LA yourA. your whole life? Yeah, I'm from Orange County, and then I went to school in Boston. I can tell you're from Orange County because you're peeling right now. It's a bison. What part of Orange County?
Starting point is 00:49:58 Huntington Beach. Whoa, Allie, for those of you listening to the podcast, is giving some California signal of perhaps being from around there? Yeah, I fucked a couple dudes in the HB. I got HPV. That's when you get HPV in Huntington Beach.
Starting point is 00:50:17 Is your dick white or brown? Good question. I don't know. Brown, I guess. So you don't have the spots on that? Oh, yeah, no. Next time someone asks you that answer, black. Okay. That's the correct answer.
Starting point is 00:50:30 You get laid more often. Is that true that you lost your virginity at a woman's march? Yeah, the big one right after Trump was elected in Boston. Heck yeah. I'm not there. And how did you find this girl? She was carrying a sign that said I'll fuck anything
Starting point is 00:50:46 we knew each other we went to the women's march together I wanted to show her you are a man that goes to women's march we do not do that in Russia. Were there a lot of men at the Women's March? Yeah, there's a lot of them. And a lot of women.
Starting point is 00:51:14 Did all of them lose their virginity that day? I think so. I think some of them lost it and some of them stayed virgins at a party like that. Were you chanting stuff too? What were some of the to? What were you, what was some of the things that you were chanting? I wanna fuck. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:51:32 Mostly, yeah. Yeah, I was just like trying to hook up with this girl. What were the things? Like he will not, what was it? Yeah, her, like her body, her choice, a lot of that. Hell yeah. Her body, your choice. I don't really remember a lot of other ones. All right, okay.
Starting point is 00:51:42 I was focused on... Her body, her choice, my wish. That's incredible. One of the fun facts about that women's march is you had some of the biggest tits there. Am I correct? I just imagine when you say you lost your virginity at a women's march,
Starting point is 00:52:03 you just fucked one of the vagina hats. So how did it go down? You ended up marching with her, right? You're over there, you're just sweating fucking bullets, right? Just walking down a street like he will not replace us, he will not, whatever. And then what happens? That was me.
Starting point is 00:52:20 When you unfastened her bra, did you say hashtag free the nipple? Yeah, we, I don't know, we were at the march. And then we actually like kind of cut up, like cut, we kind of like cut it off shorter. We're like, we don't want to do the whole march. No, you didn't want to keep walking in the sun? No. So then we went back.
Starting point is 00:52:44 We went to the same college. So we just went to a dorm room. Wow. Went to get some chicken. I was like, do you want to go get food? Wow. So you lost your virginity to a black woman? Okay. I'm sorry to the Apollo 13. It was a joke. People get weird
Starting point is 00:53:01 about chicken now, obviously. Oh, black people don't love chicken. All right. Wait, so that means you recently lost your virginity. It wasn't that long ago. How old are you? You're a young man. I'm 23.
Starting point is 00:53:15 23. Wow. What made you become a male feminist? She was going, I guess. She was what? I don't know. I went to a real liberal school, a real liberal college. Yeah. So it really taught
Starting point is 00:53:30 me how to be a good man. Right, of course. Yeah, that's what those colleges do. What were they liberal with? The food portion? What did you get your degree in there? Film and television. Oh, very cool.
Starting point is 00:53:48 Very cool. So you went back to your dorm room, and then what happens? Does she just jump on top of you, or do you take control? What goes on there? What do people at a liberal arts college do to get, you know, what's foreplay like there? What do you guys do? Just, like, jerk off to pictures of pictures of like Nancy Pelosi or something like that? I don't know. We like had been
Starting point is 00:54:09 hooking up before. We just hadn't like had... She had had sex before with other people. Right. Yeah. Yeah, it was your virginity, not hers. No. Definitely not. And then what? So you put a condom on.
Starting point is 00:54:27 No. Look at you. Fuck yeah. Goes to college like a Democrat but he fucks like a Republican baby. I like it. Fuck yeah dude. Did she wake up with spots
Starting point is 00:54:42 the next day and go oh no. Oh no. Oh, no. I went to Catholic high school, so I didn't really learn about anything. My parents never talked to me about sex or anything, so it was really a weird experience. Really? I went to a Catholic high school, and that's all we talked about the entire time. I just thought everyone was following the rules, I guess. Interesting. Interesting.
Starting point is 00:55:07 Did you blow a load inside? Good question. That was what was next. You know me well, Gorge Cough. Where'd you finish? No fucking way. No fucking way. No fucking way. Are you serious?
Starting point is 00:55:23 No, Gorge Cops, stay here. Come on. Stay here. You're fucking killing, bro. Wait. Going anywhere. So that means she was fighting for Planned Parenthood in the streets and in the sheets. Yeah, I'm really surprised, John Daniel Luna.
Starting point is 00:55:39 You don't look like the kind of guy that would love a cream pie. Giving away a cream pie. That's what I should have said. Hell yes. Did she say anything when you blow low on her? Yeah, I don't know. It was kind of like... Like what hell?
Starting point is 00:55:57 You blow low. No. It was really weird. I don't know. She was like... I don't know. I was going to come and then she was like, it's okay. Like, I've been on birth control since I was 15.
Starting point is 00:56:09 Oh, that's so hot. That is how women trap you. You run when you hear that. You start running. Yeah, she lied to you. Hell, yeah. Birth control since she was 15. What a slut.
Starting point is 00:56:21 I love it, dude. Fuck, yeah. So you just blew away. No apologies. And then what? Did you go grab a towel or something like that? Yeah, probably. I don't know. I blacked out. Yeah, you blacked out.
Starting point is 00:56:36 Black with white spots, though. Have you gone back to it? Did you get a second round? Yeah, we dated for a little bit after that for almost a year. What song did you hear in your ear as soon as you blow low? You're like, I spread my wings and I learn how to fly. I do what it takes till I touch sky.
Starting point is 00:56:58 What song is this? Take a wish, take a chance, take away and break. Is this a Russian pop song? I take my wings and I learn how to fly. I do what it takes till I touch the sky. Okay, Gorge Cop. How many verses are you going to do? Jesus Christ.
Starting point is 00:57:19 Stop a pop charts in Russia right now. Well, John Daniel Luna, I love your style, man. Probably so far the set of the night. And great interview. Feel free to come back anytime.
Starting point is 00:57:33 We want to see more of you. Thank you. John Daniel Luna, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck yeah. You can see it. Sure. Heck yeah.
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Starting point is 01:01:57 together for C.J. Landry. C.J. Landry. Here he comes. Choose that background, that ledge, my friend. Baby got back. Whoa! Okay, alright, one more time for C.J. Landry, everybody. How's it going? Happy to be here. I just moved here, actually. I'm originally from a town called Houma, Louisiana,
Starting point is 01:02:26 which is proudly known for being the setting of the TV show Swamp People. Yeah, we're real proud of it. It was weird growing up there, though. In school, they used to tell us that we lose a football field of land every 30 minutes. And that's when I realized Louisiana has completely given up on every other unit of measurement. Except for football fields, right? Down there, just like, man, I just bought a house
Starting point is 01:02:54 on about 30 football fields of land. But y'all talk about nice, came with a crawfish pond and all, yeah? Now, we were in the news a lot there, though. All the hurricanes. And I don't know if y'all remember this, but in 2005, Kanye West said that George Bush didn't care about black people.
Starting point is 01:03:17 And I actually disagree with him. I think George Bush didn't care about all of South Louisiana. And after Hurricane Katrina, Rita, Gustav, Ida, Ike, I was like, damn, I don't think God gives a fuck either, dude. There you go, C.J. Landry. Baby got back. Welcome, welcome, C.J. Landry.
Starting point is 01:03:38 You been on the show before? No, you probably know me through Gage or whatever. Oh, cool, yeah. Congrats, first time on. How long you been doing stand-up? Justage or whatever. Oh, cool. Yeah. Congrats. First time on. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just a year. Great stuff, man.
Starting point is 01:03:48 Great jokes for one year. Congratulations on that. What's your story? I'm originally from home in Louisiana. I moved to Dallas because I got a job there, and they actually had a comedy scene there. And then I did a comedy for a year there, and I just moved here about six days ago. Six days ago. Wow. Congratulations. What's your living situation? Wow. I guess I'll talk about it. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Half of my belongings are in my car right now. I live with my friend's uncle and aunt. They're kind of hoarders.
Starting point is 01:04:28 I don't know. I don't really know what else. No, they're cool people. It's all about respect over there. I live with an Armenian. Jesus Christ. It's the first Armenian I've actually ever met, so it's kind of cool. Wow. He's apparently a stereotypical Armenian, though. He's all about respect. He tells me to eat all of his food. Yeah, I know. Some of the most respectful people I know are totally Armenian. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
Starting point is 01:04:56 That's what they're known for, is just being so respectful all the time. He actually had an eBay business for a little while. He has one closet in his house that's just full of brand new Nike sneakers. That's pretty wild. What color is his car?
Starting point is 01:05:11 He actually rents cars to drive Uber. He drives Uber. He rents out cars so that other people can drive Uber? No, he rents a car so he can drive Uber. What color is it? I think it's black. Yeah, it's black or dark blue.
Starting point is 01:05:27 You sure he's Armenian? Yeah, he's definitely Armenian. 100%. He told me last night he's 100%. He's the purest white. That's what he told me. Yeah, no, I believe it. Anybody that would rent a car to drive Uber, that's Armenian as fuck.
Starting point is 01:05:39 Yeah. He also told me he's a Trump supporter, which is pretty wild, I thought. Yeah, that's so wild. I can't believe that at all. The man that was voted president in our country. I can't believe anyone supports him. So let's get into it. What exactly are you sleeping on?
Starting point is 01:05:56 I'm sleeping on a mattress in this living room. You said we're sleeping. When you first started answering that, you said we're sleeping. Oh, well, me and Gage, yeah, we have two beds in there. Oh, wow. Yeah. Look at this. It's nothing gay.
Starting point is 01:06:10 It's just, you know, it's just... Nothing gay. Let me ask you this. When you guys sleep together in an Armenian's house, do you call that, what do you call that, just being a buddy-buddy? Yeah, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. Bros, I guess. I think that's what he says.
Starting point is 01:06:28 He always says bro. Hey, bro. Hey, bro. I guess so. There's always coffee on in the kitchen, right? Yeah, he always makes this European coffee. It says it dissolves, but I don't know. I don't know what it is.
Starting point is 01:06:37 It's dirty. It just leaves the coffee dirty. It leaves my teeth dirty. Yep, that's Armenian. So, what have you been doing for fun? You've been in here six days. What's L.A. treating you like? You get around, see any sights or anything?
Starting point is 01:06:52 Yeah, I've been doing a lot of Postmates. I've been delivering a lot of people in Bel Air, fancy people. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of weird, though. I don't know. The kids look at me weird. Why do you think they look at you weird? Why is that?
Starting point is 01:07:06 Because you dress like Forrest Gump? Yeah, I think it's because they know I look poor, bro. They see my car. They see half my shit in it. And they're like, I mean, I don't want to be that. You know what I'm saying? So I guess they look at me like a... When you say half your shit, because this is an interesting thing.
Starting point is 01:07:21 And I don't think we talk about it maybe enough on this show. We talk a lot about people that live in their cars, but we don't ever really talk about the stuff that makes the cut, right? The stuff that stays with you. So I know that there was a couple weird things that I lugged around when I lived in my car for a little bit, but what's the thing that you think maybe you shouldn't be holding on to that still you see every day in your car,
Starting point is 01:07:43 and you're like, one day I'm going to unpack that and fucking feel good. It's kind of embarrassing. Of course it is. That's why my instincts make me ask questions like that so that the show's momentum will continue. So what is it? Is it mostly edible
Starting point is 01:08:00 suppositories? Yes. No, we're not doing any gay stuff like I said. No, I didn't. No, we're not doing any gay stuff, like I said. Sure, totally. Yeah, that's what
Starting point is 01:08:10 guys that never do gay stuff say. Probably a shirt my ex-girlfriend used to wear all the time. Wow, that is fucking embarrassing. Holy shit.
Starting point is 01:08:22 Yeah, she's actually married now, so it's kind of sad. Wow. Does it still smell like her? Yeah, do you sniff while you drive? No. Or as we call it, Uber X. No, it is
Starting point is 01:08:36 kind of sad, though. She is definitely married. But not in a gay way. Yeah, she's married. Go ahead. How long ago did you guys break up? Probably like three years ago. How long ago did you guys break up? Probably like three years ago. Three years ago, and you're still not over it all the way, huh? Well, I don't know. Just be honest.
Starting point is 01:08:50 It's okay. Yeah, no, I'm not completely over it. Sometimes I have... Okay, Brian. That's so loud. Yeah, it's fucked up, dude. Sometimes I have dreams about it, and then I think it's real, and then I wake up, and it's not. And you wake up, and an Armenian's over there.
Starting point is 01:09:03 You want dirty coffee or not? Head movement. Head movement. Okay. So how did this relationship end? Oh, man. I... Okay. Brian.
Starting point is 01:09:20 Damn. Red band. I feel like if she sees this, this is the saddest thing of all time dude she wants nothing to do with you she's not watching no it's true yeah no it's true that's true bro that's true as fuck dude Gage you make sure this guy doesn't kill himself after this
Starting point is 01:09:35 so how did it end yeah it's kind of fucked up dude if you cry on the show it'll be epic you'll be an instant legend so worst case scenario is best case scenario you have nothing to lose right now. How many of you want to hear the real story from this guy? Look at this crowd.
Starting point is 01:09:50 You're standing at the Holy Chapel of Comedy. You are on the red lacquer stage of the world famous comedy store. Yeah, so we dated for five years. We lived together for a year out in LSU, Louisiana State University. And we lived together in, like, a 400-square-foot apartment.
Starting point is 01:10:19 I was doing a lot of classes at the time. She was in architecture. She spent most of her time in the studio. I was fed up with it. We didn't do dishes. I didn't take out the trash a few times. The cat litter box got too full, and then I just kind of had a meltdown.
Starting point is 01:10:38 And then I told her that I was done with it, and she's like, you sure? I said, yeah. And then she moved into another apartment. Her parents had to pay the deposit um this is great never stop keep going and then about a month later after we broke up i uh i wanted her back and uh she was like fuck no and she was already fucking another guy
Starting point is 01:11:06 wow and then she married that guy so that's it are you looking for a new girlfriend um no wow my god
Starting point is 01:11:21 Allie stay don't leave Allie let's check in with Gordjkoff over there. Can I just say that is the saddest story I've ever heard, and I am from Russia. So have you been with any women since then? No, I'm kind of living with a weird situation right now, obviously. So it would be kind of weird to take her back to the place I'm living at.
Starting point is 01:11:47 Well, yeah. I mean, you know, there's other things she could do. Well, I mean, hopefully she has a nice car that I don't have to drive her around in my car
Starting point is 01:11:54 with half my shit in it. And then hopefully she has a nice apartment that... Where she's not sleeping on the floor. That'd be cool. Have you ever thought
Starting point is 01:12:04 about settling for an ugly girl. Have you ever thought about settling for an ugly girl? Have you ever thought of... I have room in my house. Allie has her own house. She's been doing arenas with Joe Rogan. She bought a house immediately. Gorgecoff.
Starting point is 01:12:17 Have you ever thought of getting kicked in the dick by a Russian breakdancer and moving the hell on? That might help. Whatever helps. Let me ask you this. Have you kissed a girl since you've been with her? Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Well, in that case. Very interesting. She's a regular Katy Perry.
Starting point is 01:12:36 Let me ask you this. How often do you sort of look her up on the internet or see what she's doing? How often do you check her? Oh, damn, man. Tell the truth. Stick with it. You've been doing a good job. All right, well, this is kind of fucked up.
Starting point is 01:12:55 About three months ago, I looked her up on Facebook, and it was the first time in probably about a year. Mm-hmm. And she actually changed her name on Facebook and got married that day. Wow. That is a sign that you are meant to feel pain about this situation. That is just...
Starting point is 01:13:13 Yeah. That's what I thought, too. So it's... Yeah. I mean, I feel like the worst hasn't even... I feel like one day you're going to be in Bel Air doing Postmates, and you're going to fucking deliver their food to them, and it's just going to be heartbreaking. They're just going to be in bel-air doing postmates and you're going to fucking deliver their food to
Starting point is 01:13:25 them and it's just gonna be heartbreaking it's gonna be doing way better than me what's the guy do i'm sure you stalk the guy what's he do you know uh actually one of my friends uh from back my hometown he actually is uh friends with him as well and uh he's unemployed so wow look at that that's incredible no i don't know he's don't know. He's putting that pussy to work, I'll tell you that. Yeah. Clearly she has a type, just unemployed. Yeah. Gorgecoff.
Starting point is 01:13:52 I have a question that everybody in the room will want to know. They'll want to know the answer to you, mate. Yes. When was the last time you jerked off to this ex-girlfriend? Ooh. Good question. You still have shirt that smell like her,
Starting point is 01:14:06 so I know recently. Damn, that's probably a good question. Probably about last week. Wow. Where's your car at right now? Actually, it's kind of funny, dude I put it in one of the parking meters
Starting point is 01:14:28 Or the parking lot And I extended the time for an hour Because I didn't think I was going to get up here And then I was like, fuck, I need to extend it again Then I tried to extend it again It says you can't extend it again So then I had to go down the street And put it in another fucking lot
Starting point is 01:14:42 And pay $10 again How far down the street is it? Which parking lot? Just say what business it's next to. Just take a guess. How many minutes a walk away it is. Probably about three blocks down the road. Okay.
Starting point is 01:14:53 You know what? I have an idea. What's that? Why don't we do something fun here? Okay. What do you say? We'll move on from you. We'll get you out of here.
Starting point is 01:15:01 This has been an incredible 13-minute experience with you. Why don't you, in the meantime, go get that shirt, bring it back here, and we're going to cut that fucking thing up. We're not going to light it on fire. How many think so? You ready to do this? Here we go. CJ Landry's going to get the shirt, everybody.
Starting point is 01:15:27 He's on Twitter. It's CJ Landry comic. We are going to put this part of his life behind him live tonight. I love this episode. Just when I think we couldn't possibly have more fun, I gotta tell you, oh my god, Aphrodite has a real pair of scissors right there. Look at that. This is why she's a queen.
Starting point is 01:15:54 All you haters on the internet, Aphrodite this, Aphrodite that, let me tell you, this lady just pulled a pair of scissors out of her afro. Wait, we have better security in Russia. They are letting black people in with weapons? By the way, these are military-grade scissors. Heck yeah. But we're guaranteed to have some more fun because we, just like Allie used to be, who started off as a little baby and now, of course, I'll say it again,
Starting point is 01:16:28 is doing arenas with Rogan and so many other great things. She has a hit podcast. She works with Andrew Santino, with me. She opens for a lot of the best comedians in the world, and this guy is on the same path. He is an absolute monster. He has a completely different style, a little bit more wild, a little bit more unorthodox
Starting point is 01:16:48 than most comedians, but always interesting, funny, and very dishonest. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, everybody. Here he comes. Live
Starting point is 01:17:04 and in the flesh. He has a steady pace. He looks extra serious tonight. This is crazy. Here he is. This is what everybody's been... One more time for the great William Montgomery. Hope everyone is doing well.
Starting point is 01:17:23 My name is Matthew Germany. I moved to California a couple weeks ago for the recycling opportunities. A couple nights ago, met up with Jaleel White, drunkenly crashed his car, owed the man $5,000. Did I do that? I just discovered you're not supposed to keep your toothpaste in the refrigerator. What the fuck am I supposed to do?
Starting point is 01:18:11 So the other day, my roommate came home early from work. She works at a factory. She caught me kissing her cat. His name is Aladdin. He's a tabby. I didn't care. I have two weeks left. As a tabby, I didn't care. I have two weeks left.
Starting point is 01:18:30 Wow. How about one more time for William Montgomery? Hey, Tony, can I say one thing first and foremost? And, Doug, I think you're going to get behind me on this one. I'm already behind you, so let's go. Can we give a round of applause for Lou Bega's Mambo No. 5? It came out 15 years ago. Number one in the record books for two years? Was it?
Starting point is 01:19:09 Was it number one for two years? Is that a fact? It was. It beat out the movie about the boat, Titanic. I think it was called. That's a totally different. Hey, Red Band, can you turn that off, please? What?
Starting point is 01:19:28 William taking full control up here. Alpha Montgomery. But you're going by... You know what bothers me? I was in Vegas this past week. I was staying in a nudist place. My penis was showing. It's inverted, which means it sucks up into my lower tummy i was walking around lost two thousand red band can you stop please
Starting point is 01:19:54 picture me inverted penis in my gut speed Speedo goggles on, fogging up, constantly adjusting the fog, losing $1,000 here, $2,000 there. Looking at the car dealer saying, hold on, y'all are actually playing Go Fish? So William Let me ask you this Did you really keep your toothpaste in a refrigerator? I do I use Colgate I had a distant uncle
Starting point is 01:20:37 Probably six years ago Had a lot of stock in it That's how I was able to go to a private school In the Philippines. I not only know... Redbeam, what was that? There's a lot of sound effects coming on over here. He's got the jittery fingers. I got something called strep throat in the Philippines.
Starting point is 01:20:58 I got something called I turned my television on in my house, ghost came out, poltergeist. something called, I turned my television on in my house, ghost came out, poltergeist. Ghost came out what? Poltergeist. Poltergeist. You went through a poltergeist? I went through a phase where I was sort of talking to the devil,
Starting point is 01:21:24 saying hi to the devil. Yeah, what did the devil sound like? What did he say to you? He told me, William, go into the 7-Elevens, steal the packages of Skittles, don't worry about the repercussions, it doesn't matter, you're dying in a couple of weeks. Wow.
Starting point is 01:21:46 Geez, Luis. That's crazy that the devil... What did you say back to the devil? I said, hold on. Who is this? Peter Travis. I don't get it. I don't get it. My goodness.
Starting point is 01:22:03 Wow. Very serious look at Allie Makovsky. You guys are having a stare down. Allie, can you please stop looking at me like that? I have a lot riding on this tonight. There's a guy in the audience from Rescue 911. Tony Chin? Is it Tony Chin again, William?
Starting point is 01:22:18 There's a guy from Rescue 911 here to see you? Out in the audience, I don't know if y'all remember the station USA Rescue 911. It's still, that's, USA's still a network. So, William, you're showcasing for a man from Rescue 911. So what happens if he likes you?
Starting point is 01:22:42 What are you going to do? I am going to climb up in my tree. I have not told people this. I've been living in the sewers for the past couple weeks. That was the first good thing you did. There were owls in the sewers. I've been living
Starting point is 01:23:02 in the fucking sewers for two months. Yeah, it shows, William. Yeah, what have you been living in the fucking sewers for two months. Yeah, it shows, William. Yeah, what have you been doing in the sewers? I have been playing go fish. I have been watching people through my goggles. I have been looking at the tick on my right leg. You have a tick on your right leg still?
Starting point is 01:23:32 I don't know if y'all have ever been in the Philippines playing Monopoly landing on Vintner Avenue thinking you're gonna win the game and you start itching your leg and there's a tick on it and you think to yourself, my father, Larry Montgomery.
Starting point is 01:23:51 Wait, wait, wait, wait. What about your father? Keep going, William. That picture I did in Vegas and what I found interesting, the one you posted some nice people and some motherfuckers being like, oh I don't get it
Starting point is 01:24:11 I don't think he's that funny yeah, that is true, I will say that I did post a picture of you that you posted, I found it to be almost like artistic and it's I don't know what I'm trying to say here, but it was a beautiful picture of you completely naked,
Starting point is 01:24:28 a very baby-like hairless body you have, and a package of beef jerky over your junk. And I posted it, you know, just showing some love. I said, you know, Williams in Vegas, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it is exactly what I thought was going to happen. There is, you know, William's in Vegas, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it is exactly what I thought was going to happen. There is the votes are in. Either people absolutely love William
Starting point is 01:24:51 or they fucking hate you. I mean, with an absolute passion. I'm going to sort of let y'all in on a little secret. I have a pistol behind my waistband right now. I am really close to bringing it out, doing a couple shots into the ceiling,
Starting point is 01:25:12 maybe giving Mr. Ryan Benson the gun. Wait, it's not Ryan Benson. William, you know his name's not Ryan. You've worked with him numerous times before. William? Just giving the gun to Doug Benson. That's a good boy. Just watching him shooting some of these folks in the front row.
Starting point is 01:25:39 Looks like a couple of Armenians. Looks like a couple of Filipino people. I don't speak Spanish anymore. Do the math. Oh, there it is. And there we go. How about that? Anything else for William, guys?
Starting point is 01:25:55 Allie, you've been a regular before. You know what a rigorous, tough job it is to write and perform in New Minute every week. Tony, can I say one last thing? Yeah, sure. What are you? This journey has been so much fun. It's been 10 months, goals a year. Something that occurred this evening, I was in my bathroom using the restroom.
Starting point is 01:26:16 Can you put, yeah, thank you so much. Going to the bathroom, I had some driblets of urine coming out of my penis. I looked down at the toilet. They're red. My point is, I don't know how much longer I have for any of this shit, but I swear to God, I'm going to find those motherfuckers talking shit
Starting point is 01:26:42 and go to their homes and shoot them in the face and not worry about the repercussions because I think I'm dying. William Montgomery, everybody! All right, before I let you go, I'm going to finish the question that I had for Allie because Allie went through perhaps one of the longest tenures of being a regular than almost anyone in the history of this show. So, Allie, you've done this position before.
Starting point is 01:27:20 You are one of its most successful alumni of being a regular on kill tony you work regularly you're living your dreams uh any advice or uh words of wisdom for william here anything like that how about you take that pistol you have and shove it up your ass and fire it what i Fire it. What I remember, we had a show at the Ice House, and I get a lift to you at the AA meeting, and I have a Sprite bottle filled with whiskey, just watching people, just thinking, hold on, does Allie not drink anymore? How am I possibly going to put these Tylenol PMs in her drink. Wait a second.
Starting point is 01:28:06 Is this true? You tried to roofie little Allie Makovsky? Four years ago, Phoenix, Arizona. It was pretty irid. All right. Well, I think that answers all of our questions then. The great William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. all of our questions then.
Starting point is 01:28:23 The great William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, guys. One more time for William. Huh? Is the shirt guy here? Oh, that's a... We're going to close the episode with that. Thank you. You guys want to go back to the bucket one more time?
Starting point is 01:28:50 Yeah! I mean, that's just simply not good enough. If you can do better, then we'll go to the bucket. But if you can't, we'll end the show. Should we do it? You want to? All right. One of my favorite comedians on the planet,
Starting point is 01:29:06 Ali Makovsky, is pulling the final name. Guys, give it up for the one, the only, Dyson Stiles. Wow, Dyson Stiles. I wish that you would step back from that ledge, my friend. I wish that you would step back from that ledge, my friend. I wish that you would step back from that ledge, my friend. No movement. You know what that means. Blacklist.
Starting point is 01:29:32 Out of style. Okay, back we go. All right. Ooh, this looks interesting as fuck. Make some noise for Lorena from Puerto Rico. Doesn't get much more exciting than that. Please tell me this is real. Is this Lorena from Puerto Rico?
Starting point is 01:29:54 Come on, let's go. Heck yeah. She walks at a William Montgomery-like pace. Here she comes. This is very exciting. She came from the audience. This is one of your own. Lorena from Puerto Rico, everybody.
Starting point is 01:30:16 Holy shit. Oh, my God. Hola, papi. What's up? I'm, like, tangled here. So, hi. My name is Lorena from Puerto Rico because I stab people when I meet them. I've been out here for over a decade and like Esther, I don't know where she's at, but I usually get asked where I'm from.
Starting point is 01:30:39 And it's very exhausting because like out here in California, not only a lot of people are super judgmental, but they're like, what's your accent from? And I'm like, okay, my accent? What about me? I'm like, you know, Puerto Rican. I'm sassy. And I have a thick accent. And other thicker things, if you want to get to know me. So, basically, it's such a turn when um people ask you where you're from and then you ask
Starting point is 01:31:08 them back and they're like well i'm half german half scottish and half this and i'm like bitch you're american so like if they were to ask me yeah i'm done oh my god motherfucker Oh my God, motherfucker. Wow. Fuck yeah. Lorena from Puerto Rico, everybody. You really are. I mean, you are one of the most Puerto Rican things I've ever seen in my life. She's wearing a one-piece denim onesie. She has rattlesnake skin shoes. Were you created in Luis J. Gomez's imagination? It's incredible.
Starting point is 01:31:44 Who is that guy? Wait, I know they don't have water in Puerto Rico. Do they not have jokes either? Oh, Ali. Oh, no, she did. Oh, my God. I like when women fight. Can I please bet now?
Starting point is 01:31:59 Lorena, is that your first time doing stand-up comedy? Um, fifth. Fifth. Were the other times in Puerto Rico? Or wait, no. You said you've lived here for what? Ten years? Like ten years. And I started-up comedy? Um, fifth. Fifth. Were the other times in Puerto Rico? Or wait, no. You said you've lived here for what? Ten years? Like ten years.
Starting point is 01:32:08 And I started recently, yeah. Oh, awesome. And you came straight from Puerto Rico to LA? Yes. That's an interesting trip. What made you come straight here instead of Florida like the rest of them? Um, I wanted the American dream. I wanted to become Sofia Vergara and all that bullshit.
Starting point is 01:32:24 Fuck yeah. Yeah, so I'm Sofia Vergara and all that bullshit. Fuck yeah. So I'm still not even close to that shit. Yeah, you know the old story about how Sofia Vergara started in stand-up comedy. Now you talk, bitch, with me. Damn. These two are definitely. Now you're talking to me. Definitely, Puerto Rican.
Starting point is 01:32:40 You did not talk the entire show, and now she's talking. Oh, my God. Let's talk about racism. Racist, racist, racist. I did not hear her once, and now she sits up Puerto Rican, and it's like, oh, my God, Mommy. It's probably because you were fixing your hair in the bathroom when I was talking. No, no, I never saw you.
Starting point is 01:33:01 Okay, fine, yeah. Whatever makes you happy. Joe Rogan is fucking hot. I want to fuck him Okay, fine, yeah. Whatever makes you happy. Joe Rogan is fucking hot. I want to fuck him too. Oh, damn. I mean, I thought I already said you are the most Puerto Rican thing I've ever seen. But it literally took you 35 seconds to start a fight with the only woman near you. Don't come at me.
Starting point is 01:33:20 What about Petrushka? Do you have any beef with Petrushka back here? That's a woman too, believe it or not. I kind of like Joel Petrushka. Puerto Rican women can tell when there's secretly a dick underneath there. This is all pussy. Okay. Wow, Lorena, you are so fucking spunky.
Starting point is 01:33:46 This is incredible. This is like fucking... Can they fight and I throw mud on the ground? I'm sure I can win. Whoa, oh my God. We box in Puerto Rico, but not speak English. It's all good. Wow, Jesus, Lorena, you are a fucking party machine.
Starting point is 01:34:01 Look at you. So let's talk about it. What do you do for work? So I'm a social media freelancer. So, yeah. How's that been going? How's the freelancing? Okay, so I had cancer five years ago.
Starting point is 01:34:21 I had melanoma cancer. You did? Yeah. What kind of a... It's so red, man. What the fuck? I could almost die. five years ago. I had melanoma cancer. You did? What kind of... Hold on. What the fuck? I could almost die. Red band. Cancer is the name of my grandmother.
Starting point is 01:34:34 What kind of cancer did you have? Melanoma. Oh! She who laughs last. Where's your car at? Where did you park, girl? Oh, my God.
Starting point is 01:34:50 What does that mean when you ask a girl where she parked? What does that mean? I don't know. I don't speak Puerto Rican. She's going to follow her to her car. She's going to bash in windows with her head. It's very sexy. You been into a couple fights with girls in your day?
Starting point is 01:35:06 Actually, I got jumped once in Long Beach. That's where I'm from. I bet it was you. It was, it was Allie's fortune-telling friends that looked into the future and saw this. Yeah, it was super random. I got jumped by two women
Starting point is 01:35:21 against one. Were you flirting with a guy or something like that? No, no. I actually was dating a guy, and he pushed a girl because he, like. Oh, he's Puerto Rican, too. No, he was white. I wish. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 01:35:42 So why did he push a girl? So I guess the chick spilled the drink on him, and he pushed her, and she thought it was me, and, yeah, it all went downhill to the floor. And instead of saying, it wasn't me, you fought her. Totally. My goodness. Patushka, you know what's up? I heard that girl tore her pants off
Starting point is 01:36:04 just from, like, just just below above the knee. It's true. That used to be a full size denim onesie. Totes. Wow. So freelance social media. What's your love life like? Puerto Ricans are known for an extremely high sex drive. I've been with a Puerto Rican woman before, and it was one of the more wild experiences of my life. Yeah, it's kind of kinky as fuck. Getting married, poor guy. He's over there.
Starting point is 01:36:36 Oh, he is? Where's this guy? Oh, my God, is it that fucking Kieran Culkin over here? The guy with all the bruises? Oh, my god, this innocent white man just gets fucking ridden like a goddamn Sibian every night. Does she ever let you get on top, right? Is that even an option with you? Barely.
Starting point is 01:36:53 Barely, right? See, I'm right about this. I told you I've been with a Puerto Rican woman before. Is that true? Am I right? You're almost always on top during sex. Am I correct? Yeah. And I like mirrors too, so I want to see them. Thank you. Hello. That's incredible.
Starting point is 01:37:09 So when are you guys getting married? Next month, October 19th. Next month. Wow. That's so cool. Congratulations. Thank you. What does he do for work? He's a glassblower.
Starting point is 01:37:17 A glassblower. Oh my God. So all of their coworkers are super fans of your show. Yeah. That's how I learned about this. No, of course. I love it. Yeah, we are the number one are, like, super fans of your show. Yeah. And that's how I, like, learned about this. No, of course. I love it.
Starting point is 01:37:26 Yeah, we are the number one podcast amongst all glassblowers in the world. Yeah, I want to bring you guys to Puerto Rico, too, so. From glassblowing to assblowing. Yes, queen. Wow. So do you do any special crazy things in the bedroom? Again, Puerto Ricans are notorious for being wild. I try to finger his ass, but he never lets me.
Starting point is 01:37:48 Yeah. And he's super shy. Why won't he let you? Is there a cookie in there? The king of the callback tonight, Doug Benson. He has cracked the fucking cookie code on this show. I love it. What happens when you try to put a finger in there?
Starting point is 01:38:09 Does he make a noise or something? Can you do an impression of him? Oh! That was Chroma Chris. Silent but deadly. Heck yeah. Wow. Mommy, bada, bada, bada, bada. Is that what he says? heck yeah wow mommy para para para para
Starting point is 01:38:27 is that what he says what does that mean para it means stop evil woman that is my anus hole god damn god damn that is so cool you've done it five times all here in Los Angeles obviously
Starting point is 01:38:42 no Orange County like I literally saw this guys in Huntington Beach, and I liked it so much. And I actually tried improv, but I wasn't a huge fan of it because it's more of a collective thing. And they don't let you stick your finger in their ass. Totally, yes. Instead of yes and, she says yes, yes, yes. Yeah, sure. I love it.
Starting point is 01:39:11 What else about you, Lorena? What's another fun fact about you? Do you have any hobbies or things that you love to do? After I got cancer, I decided to give back. So I started doing a lot of philanthropic work, like going to Mexico and just, I don't know, becoming an example. And then trying to do comedy at the same time so I'm living two lives that is so cool heck yeah you went from almost living no lives to two a hundred percent that's exciting how bad was the uh how bad was the skin cancer do you think the guy that was all spotty earlier should get checked out or what yeah I
Starting point is 01:39:43 I wanted to say something about it but I feel bad so yeah um i actually wait wait wait wait something about him yeah what were you gonna say that made you feel no like hey bro you can relate but yeah there's no relation like cancer and where was where was it you just it's right here actually oh that's it look at that that's it so i found it i was like sitting on the toilet and picking on myself. Yeah. Puerto Rican as fuck. Yeah, me time. Trying to find my bottle.
Starting point is 01:40:15 And I saw a mole and yeah. And I got it checked and it was cancer. Heck yeah. Woo. Yeah, girl. Ali's got a mic. What do you got? Anything fun? Yeah, girl. What do you got? Anything?
Starting point is 01:40:25 No, nothing. I feel like I've never seen you have more joy when she mentions the fact that she had cancer. You just keep smiling ear to ear every time she brings it up. You're the one that put it on her leg or something like that.
Starting point is 01:40:42 No, it's really sad. It's sad that you survived she's just having fun no no totally i give it to her i mean she's with joe rogan i can't compete with that so well no that's. You definitely can't compete with that. I don't know how you were going to twist that into a joke, but all right. Well, I mean, I'll tell you this. This is what I love. People that of all shapes and sizes. You've only done it five times and, you know, you're a spunky little spunk meister is what you are. Lorena from Puerto Rico. Thanks for coming on the show. Very fun interview. There she goes. Lorena from Puerto Rico. Thanks for coming on the show. Very fun interview. There she goes, Lorena from Puerto Rico, everybody.
Starting point is 01:41:40 Okay. I'm going to need security to walk me to my car after the show. Just in case. Okay. You know what time it is, ladies and gentlemen. Let's bring CJ Landry back up here. Where's CJ?
Starting point is 01:41:54 CJ! CJ! We are about, for the first time in the show's history six and a half years of kill tony we have never done anything like this for the last three years this young man has been haunted by breaking up with his girlfriend and then her never taking him back. His one keepsake that he has kept this entire time is this shirt. That's a cool shirt though. Of course. Red Band's entire wardrobe
Starting point is 01:42:33 is made up of ex-girlfriend shirts. Should someone smell it? Yeah, Red Band wants to smell it. There he goes. Heck yeah. I thought it would be much stiffer.
Starting point is 01:42:49 Smells like a dude. Red Band loves it. Yeah, there's kind of a story behind it. Yeah, go ahead. Let's hear it. Yeah, before the last Blockbuster closed out in Louisiana, me and her went to it and bought this shirt. You can't do that. That's a cool shirt.
Starting point is 01:43:08 Now I get it. We have blockbusters. Jesus Christ. And then what's crazy about you guys going to a blockbuster towards the end is that when you wanted to return to her, she wouldn't take you back. You had late fees, bro. Fucking late fees. I wish I could rewind it. you know what I'm saying?
Starting point is 01:43:27 Do you feel like once this shirt is cut and we never give it back to you again that it's going to help you move on a bit? Yeah, for sure. Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to cut it. For the first time in the show's history, we're going to cut a shirt. We're going to cut a shirt.
Starting point is 01:43:50 We're going to change this young man's life. You know, he's cutting it like it's a tube top. I can see from here the Puerto Rican girl would actually wear this. Here we go. This is the big part right here, top to bottom. Moving on to a new chapter in his life. Oh, my God, guys. No, that's enough.
Starting point is 01:44:22 We don't need to set it on fire. Don't cut the logo. Welcome to Jeremiah's first. No, put it in the fire. Don't cut the logo. Don't do that. Welcome to Jeremiah's first... No, put it in the thing. Put it in the thing. Take the cap off that. Put it out. All right, there you go. Put it in the thing.
Starting point is 01:44:35 Put it in the thing. Jeremiah, drop the fucking shirt. Straight flame. Jeremiah. Jeremiah, drop the fucking shirt. Jesus Christ, dude. Unbelievable. There you go. Ribbed. Ladies and gentlemen, we did it. Jeremiah dropped a fucking shirt Jesus Christ dude Unbelievable There you go
Starting point is 01:44:46 Ladies and gentlemen we did it That's tonight's episode of Kill Tony History was made We did it again Doug Benson has Doug Loves Movies He's going to Wilmington He's going to Charlotte Charlotte, Wilmington.
Starting point is 01:45:06 DouglasMovies.com That's right. Wilmington and Charlotte. September 28th and 29th. Roasting Bitch with Ali Makovsky is available everywhere. Resting Bitch. It's Roasting Bitch after that Puerto Rican girl gets there. Yes, exactly. Look at this drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt, everyone.
Starting point is 01:45:23 Fuck yes. Go to RyanJEbelt.com, everyone. Fuck yes. Go to ryanjebelt.com for the brand new Kill Tony, the book and all the prints that have ever been made. Plus, of course, the new Kill Tony calendar is on sale. And
Starting point is 01:45:37 yeah, La Jolla is coming up next Sunday. Then Dallas, Sacramento, San Francisco, Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, D.C. and a New York and Ohio announcement coming up next week. How about one more time for former regular Allie Makovsky? How about one more time for the great Doug Benson, everybody? And here he is, the great Jeremiah Watkins, everyone. It's Gordjkoff.
Starting point is 01:46:07 Heck yeah. There he is. Go ahead. Do your plugs. Jeremiah Wonders, Jeremiah Watkins. Go ahead. Yes, there's a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders out with Ron Funches right now. Go check it out.
Starting point is 01:46:18 It'll be on YouTube on Wednesdays. Every video, every Wednesday. Social media, Jeremiah, stand up and get the new Kilt on the Band calendar, jeremiahwat give the new Kill Tony band calendar, jeremiahwatkins.com. There you go, jeremiahwatkins.com for that amazing new calendar. It is very impressive. How about one more time for the silent but deadly Chroma Chris, everybody.
Starting point is 01:46:37 One for one tonight. Kill Tony stats. Mark it and fucking spark it. What did you think about tonight's episode, Chroma? It did not miss a beat, Tony. Shout out to Ernie Ball. Oh, break dancing, that's right. How about one more time for Petrusca, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.
Starting point is 01:46:58 Unbelievable performance tonight, dominated in a Mexican drum off. He's mostly sorry on social media. Anything else, Joel? Yeah, I did a punk band, an album with a punk band when I was 17. That's up on SoundCloud now. So soundcloud.com slash one against one. That is so fucking cool. You want to hear Young Joel.
Starting point is 01:47:18 We did it again. Thank you so much, live audience, for coming out. We absolutely love you and we appreciate your support every week. Next week, for the first time ever at the Comedy Store, live audience, for coming out. We absolutely love you, and we appreciate your support every week. Next week, for the first time ever at the Comedy Store, Mark Norman, one of our favorite comedians from New York City, the guy that I roast battled in Season 1 of the Comedy Central show Roast Battle, and sort of like a New York brother of ours.
Starting point is 01:47:40 So we're really excited about that. His rare trip to Los Angeles, that's going to be a big deal. And that's about it. Red Band? See you guys. We love you. Good night, everybody.ご視聴ありがとうございました

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