KILL TONY - KILL TONY #394

Episode Date: September 28, 2019

Ari Shaffir, Mark Normand, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 09/23/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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deathsquad.tv. There you have every past episode. But if you click on tour dates, you can see where we're at next. October 3rd, we're in Dallas, Texas, but it's sold out. So we added a new show. October 5th, we are in now Dallas, Texas also. October 16th and 17th, we're in Sacramento, California.

And then we have Kill Tony Mania, October 18th and 19th in San Francisco, California. October 25th, we're in Australia, Brisbane. October 26th, we're in Melbourne, Brisbane. October 26th, we're in Melbourne, Australia. October 27th, Sydney, Australia. And then November 7th, we are in Washington, D.C. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his tour dates for his stand-up comedy and a bunch of other stuff.

So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. His book is now available for pre-order. It has every single episode he's ever drawn in one huge book. Check out RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. Get some Death Squad hats, mugs, shirts, and even some Kill Tony stuff.

Go to shopsquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the world famous Comedy Store main room

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchclap. Hello, everybody. Come on, we're here. Make some fucking noise. Brian Red Band's here. Ryan J. Ebeld has started drawing tonight's episode,

the brand-new Kill Tony book. All the drawings from Ryan J. E-Belt of every episode that's ever happened goes on sale. The brand new one, the updated one this week. RyanJEBelt.com for that book. This is very exciting. You guys are, hey, look, it's Aphrodite, everybody. The real deal. That's all natural hair right there.

You can't make this shit up. That is her. It's very exciting to be here We just had a blast Two sold out shows in La Jolla last night It was so much fun So shout out to our fans down in San Diego And San Diego December 6th

The whole Kill Tony band is going to be there Performing with William Montgomery And the Kill Tony band calendar is now available at JeremiahWatkins.com. And we go on the road next week to Dallas, Texas. We just added a show today. We sold out one Kill Tony there. We're going to do another one on that Saturday. So congratulations to you, Dallas.

You have yet another show. Plus four massive stand-up shows of stand-up comedy that night, which I'll be headlining. And you get to see spots from all the other cast members of the show. And of course, there's very, I believe it's sold out, but if not, there are literally minimum amount of tickets available for Sacramento

and San Francisco, Kill Tony Mania, our biggest annual event. DC, November 7th, with four stand-up shows after that, and plus Australia, October 25th, 26th, 27th, Brisbane, Melbourne and Sydney and we don't miss a single Monday at the Comedy Store on any of those

dates. We come back from Australia for you. For you people. Look at this diverse audience here tonight. What a good looking crowd we have. This is very exciting. And you know all the traveling that we, and we do a lot of it, one of the things that we love to do, I love to listen to music.

I love to listen to podcasts. I've been listening to the Eric Bischoff podcast about the days in which the NWO and WCW was beating the WWF for a short while. I think it's called 83 Weeks or something like that. I listen to it with a great pair of wireless earbuds. They're wireless earbuds from Raycon. Before you go dropping hundreds of dollars on a pair of other kind, you need to check these out. Raycon earbuds start at about half the price of any other premium wireless earbuds on the market,

and they sound just as amazing. The company was actually co-founded by Ray J and celebrities like Snoop Dogg and Cardi B. Oh, a lot of news about Cardi lately in the news. These earbuds have been totally... These earbuds are... I'm sorry, man. You already sound like you're reading.

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I love it. I had a pair on. I was traveling, one of my favorite trips recently, and I was coming back from Miami, and I had them in my ears. And then we land, and I wake up from a nap, and I'm like, oh, my God, where are the earbuds that were in my ears? And I'm looking in between the seat and everything because they're so small. I thought I lost them, and then I realized they were still in my ears. That's how comfortable these are. So go to buyraycon.com slash kill to get 15% off your order.

That's buyraycon.com slash kill for 15% off Raycon wireless earbuds. If you've been eyeing a pair, now is the time to get an amazing deal. One more time, buyraycon.com slash kill, B-U-Y-R-A-Y-C-O-N dot com slash kill. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? This is very exciting. This guy's only been on the show one other time. It was a big sold out show at the Gramercy Theater in New York. He's one of my favorite comedians from New York. He's one of my favorite comedians, period. Put your hands together for the great and powerful

Mark Normand, everybody! Wow! My brother from another mother. Hey, hey. Thank you, thank you. Mark and I have the same manager. It's that big doofy guy walking through right there. Look at him. It's Jake, hey. Thank you. Thank you. Mark and I have the same manager. It's that big doofy guy walking through right there.

Look at him. It's Jake, everybody. Call him a heeb. He's been our manager, I think, both of ours for at least, what, seven years or something. Oh, yeah. How long have you been with him? A long time? About eight years.

Yeah. Look at that big doof ball. He found me when I was in gay porn. Yeah. Appreciate it. I love it. He once helped you when you almost OD'd on

weed, you were telling me earlier. He once helped me. He had to talk me off the ledge. I had to step back from the ledge of my friend when I was in London and found out that Brody hung himself. I was ready to just fucking do it. Give Jake a hand keeping guys like us. The silent heroes of

show business. Big, giant Jews like Jake. There he is. Wait a minute. What happened to Brody? Sorry, sorry. It's good. We can laugh about these things now. Buckle up, homos. It's gonna get dark. There's a big

picture of him in the hallway now. Fun fact about it, it actually hung itself, the picture. How dare you? Why would you make that joke about me? You don't get it. You can make jokes like that, but you won't get big jobs like SNL.

I heard Epstein was well hung. Hey! And it has begun, ladies and gentlemen. I'm excited about this. We're going to have a lot of silly fun. As you know, Mark, we have a band on this show. Oh, nice.

Every single episode, they're different characters. Last night, they were high school coaches, and they were also reggae people. They were Rastafarians. We never know what they're going to be. Sometimes it's the return of a famous character. Sometimes it's the debut of a brand new group of characters. Let's find out what they are tonight. All together, it is the best damn band in the land.

It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Chroma Chris, and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Let's see what they are tonight. Oh, wow. Wait, what? Wow. This is interesting. Oh.

Let's go. We're losing light. Wow. All right. I've been handed a piece of paper. Whoa. Wow. Okay.

All right. Wow. Wow. So, wow. It's Michael Gay. Michael Bay. I got handed a piece of paper here. It says Jeremiah director Kent Willow.

Is that true, Kent? Yes. Are you? Wow. Really reading the script on that one. Interior daylight. Why don't you read that as well? Oh, my goodness.

Well, I don't think it would really say daylight if it was an interior scene, but way to go. I'm the director here. Okay. Glad to have you. This is definitely a brand new character. A lot of production value on this. This director's chair over there on the sound, clearly, it is Chroma Chris with what could easily be the world's largest boot mic. Is that even real?

I feel like that thing could actually be the thing that helps our audio once and for all on this show. We might actually just hang that over. Tony used to work for Planet Earth BBC that would pick up ant queefs. Wow. And then back there we have Joel. It says PA and that your

name is Skyler. Yeah, that'd be right. I fucked up his coffee order the it says PA and that your name is Skyler. Yeah, that'd be right. I fucked up his coffee order the last six days, so he's really taking it out on me. This guy's a monster. Wow. Angry director, a sound guy, and a PA.

It looks like Garth and Latino Wayne. So the band is here. Mark Norman's here. Brian Soundboard is here. Which brings me to this, the bucket of destiny, ladies and gentlemen. The one and the only. Listen to these comedians go wild. They all signed up for a chance to get stage time here. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted if they get pulled out of this bucket.

You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Very good. Bunch of comedians signed up. But maybe it's an audience member's first time. You never know what can happen. Fans of the show tend to come here, think they have a better minute than actual comedians. Sometimes it's true.

The guy that stole the show last night was his first time ever on stage. Tim something. I also heard if I PA really well for the next 47 years I might be able to maybe move up to sound at some point. Wow. Look at that. Dreaming big over there. Alright, you guys ready to

start this show? It's Kill Tony Live! Monday! Got my delicious Caveman Coffee Nitro Cold Brew. You can go to cavemancoffeecompany.com and use the promo code KILLTONY and save 15% on all your coffee. Your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Brian Corbet. Here we go. And the show begins.

I'm not seeing movement here. I'm not seeing movement. Guys, you need to clear that area. What's going on here? Can one of the five door guys getting paid clear that area that's blocking everything? Oh, here he comes right now. Here he is.

Brian Corbett. That way. Hey, hey, hey. Come on, everybody. You're at Kill Tony, and this is your first comedian, Brian Corbett. Hey. How are you guys doing tonight? Come on, everybody. You're at Kill Tony, and this is your first comedian, Brian Corbett. How are you guys doing tonight? Woo!

So I had a friend last year. He actually killed himself. He was dressed up as Buzz Lightyear for Halloween. He took some mushrooms and thought he could fly, so he was at the end of a bridge. He's all, to infinity and beyond. You can guess what happened next, but man, that was a buzz kill. I know I shouldn't joke about death. Yeah, I know, but whatever. So he got into some really dark shit.

He actually joined a really bad biker gang. These guys are terrible, though. I will never talk to these guys. They're probably one of the worst biker gangs out there, and I'm scared of them. You've probably heard of them. They're the Mormons. Yeah, it's all right. I met my wife at the church, the Mormon church.

I don't know why we're still together, but whatever. But anyways, I can't stand her though sometimes she just lays around the house all day while I'm out slaving at work it's like I mean sex is terrible missionary all the time it's like I just I feel really unlucky and I just wish that I could be the one

that's dead alright Brian Corbet hey Brian where are you going get back there All right. Brian Corbet. Hey. Brian, where are you going? Get back there. Get back there.

Clearly Brian's first time seeing the show. How are you? Grab that mic out of the mic stand. We're going to talk to you now. This is our first time having a Little League home plate umpire on this show. We have to talk to you about what we just saw here. Untangle yourself. I don't want you to get stuck over there.

That mic stand falls on you. It's going to be like Wizard of Oz over here. Just going to see your little feet hanging out. Yeah, Tony, can we take that again except way funnier this time? Oh, wow. Man, this director is pure evil. My goodness. Now we know what it would be like if we gave a lobotomy to Tom Segura. Yeah.

Now we know what it would be like if we gave a lobotomy to Tom Segura. Ah! Look at you. So, Brian Corbett, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About, I just got actually back into it. I was into it for about a year, and then I got out of it, and then back into it. Into it, out of it, into it. What happened there?

What made you get out of it and then back into it. Into it, out of it, into it. What happened there? What made you get out of it? Domestic abuse. Yeah. I mean, I threw a few shots there. Is that true? No. What made you get out of it? I just love making people laugh. It's awesome. No, that's why you got into it. No.

No, that's why you left because you couldn't do it. When you got into it You did it because you love to make people laugh So what made you get out of it Lots of crystal meth Really crystal meth That's your drug Yeah

How long you been doing crystal meth for And shouldn't you be thinner Yeah Exactly This motherfucker's been baking bad meth for. And shouldn't you be thinner? Yeah. Exactly. This motherfucker's been baking bad. Yeah, he's got Breaking Dad bod. Oh, Breaking Dad. I like that. So,

Brian, how long you been doing meth for? Long enough to forget how long you've been doing it? Yeah. My goodness. So how did that start? Was there just one night you're hanging out looking for pot, and then you're like, fuck it, I'll just smoke meth? No, I just.

I always wonder how that starts. It's just like I was like, well, I feel like making my porn experience better. Your porn experience better. So you're watching porn, right? You're not the star. Yeah. And you're like, I want to make this better. So you're watching porn, right? You're not the star. Yeah. And you're like, I want to make this better. Yes.

And your choice instead of maybe, I don't know, getting a membership to a porn site or something like that, you said, I'm just going to do crystal meth. Yeah, it's actually a funny story. Oh, funny story. We'd love to hear that. You should see that pocket pussy I fucked. Yeah.

Yeah. This thing's torn up. You tore up a pocket pussy? Yeah, I never cleaned it. Oh, boy. Brian. Oh, man. My God.

Did you have problems cumming or something? Yeah. Did it take you like five hours to cum and you were like, yeah, I got to do mathers? Yeah. Yeah. Is that really what happened? You were having trouble coming? Or are you just agreeing with Red Band based on –

Do you know what I'm talking about? I do. Before you did math, were you having problems coming? Is that why you wanted to have math to make a – No, I just wanted it to last like eight hours. Wow. Did you ever try like Viagra or a boner pill or anything like that? No, it didn't work for me.

Really? Did you ever try ForHagra or a boner pill or anything like that? No, it didn't work for me. Really? Did you ever try ForHims.com? For what? Well, ForHims.com is a natural male enhancer for both sexual activity and it helps with your hair too. And you don't even have to go to the doctor's office. Just answer a couple questions. And over the internet, you get prescribed real ED medication. Wow. And the best part is if you go to 4HIMS today and use the promo code KILLTONY, you'll never believe this, but you get $5 off your first month.

Damn. That was a live read. Yeah. All right, we got it. We're moving on. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, not you. Not you. You're still up here.

Places, places. So tell us more about you. We found out that you're on meth in like the first minute of hanging out with you. Yeah. Do you still do it sometimes? No. No. How'd you get off of it? Stop doing that thing with your pinky.

You're nervously like it's going to mess with the microphone eventually. From meth. So what would you fill in its place? What do you do now? You polish your shoes a lot or something like that? I don't know. I'm definitely not going off of looking at your shoes.

Yeah, that's pretty sad. What do you fill the habit with now? Hoagies. From crystal meth to crystal chef. How did you get off of crystal meth? How did I get off of it? How did you get off of it? Stop doing it.

Just stop doing it. Wow. Real asshole for a meth addict. I'll tell you that. All right. Well, what else are you into? What do you do for fun? Any hobbies or anything like that?

Not really, actually. You still fuck that dirty pocket pussy? No, I had to throw that out. You threw it out? Yeah, it stunk. So what's your masturbating style now? How do you go from a dirty pocket pussy to just a normal hand again? I got some pretty good cocoa butter.

Cocoa butter, wow. It was a black pocket pussy to just a normal hand I got some pretty good cocoa butter cocoa butter wow it was a black pocket pussy fuck yeah man you quit meth you quit the pocket pussy I think comedy's next I love it Brian well welcome to the show congrats on getting back into comedy and thanks for getting the show started for us here.

There you go, Brian Corbett. Just going to keep moving on. No, no, no, no. Hell yeah. Dude, why did you get off stage? You're supposed to... That was actually a joke. You're supposed to be actually still on stage right now.

There you go. Jesus Christ. Red band. Red band. Red band throwing some of that early thunder out in this episode. All right. I'm just going to start punching you in the dick. All right. Very good.

Put your hands together for your next comedian, Nick Lee, everyone. Nick Lee. Nick Lee. comedian Nick Lee, everyone. Nick Lee. Where is Nick Lee? Alright. I don't see movement. Oh, here he

comes. Here he is. Nick Lee. Hell yeah. You guys having fun out there yet? Here he is, Nick Lee. All right. Well, before I start it all, before I start talking about my set, actually,

this is not my first time actually being on the show. This is my second time, and now I'm up here for pure redemption because the first time I came up here, I ate a pure bag of dicks. All right, so let's get into this. All right. Anybody here a football fan at all?

Alright. Anybody a fan of Antonio Brown? Okay, you guys. Oh, wait. We have some fans. Yes or no? Alright, it's half and half. Alright, so there's half the odds we'll like this fucking joke. The other half, you might agree. Alright, so pretty much

how everyone's saying Antonio Brown's acting like a big fucking diva. He wants too much money. He's acting too big for his own shit, right? Well, some people are saying he has CTE, right? Now, like I said to you, if someone tried to explain CTE, like Antonio Brown has CTE It's like me trying to explain to my dad he's a fucking alcoholic Let me give you one story, for instance So pretty much what happened one time was I'll wrap it up was I'll wrap it up

I'll wrap it up, make it quick I only got a minute up here Oh shit Alright, took too long I apologize guys Wow My goodness Nick I'm glad that you warned us

That you were here for redemption Wow Maybe this might save it This might just save it, maybe Nick. I'm glad that you warned us that you were here for redemption. Wow. Maybe this might save it. This might just save it. Maybe. I don't know. Oh my goodness. For the record, you ate a bag of dicks again. Thank you for that note. I appreciate that. I don't know what happened last time, but my guess is that's an even bigger bag.

I mean, you would have to check that bag of dicks at the airport. The one that you just ate. What was your character motivation for eating that big a bag of dicks this time? For this time, I just wanted to be a big gay man. Just wanted to eat some big dicks. Wow. There you go.

Still happening. Tony. I know. I'm saying character. Are you gay? No, I'm not. Oh, okay. Yeah.

A gay guy wouldn't wear pants that weird. Yeah. Exactly. I'm just a big stoner. And a fun fact, gay guys actually eat less dicks than what he just did. Tony, let's check in with Joel Berg. I mean, Skyler. Skyler, I don't know what this means, but you look like a blind piano player.

Wow, you do sort of look like a blind. I don't think that's a good compliment. It wasn't, but okay, moving on. All right. So, Nick, wow, that was horrible. Yes, it was. Very, very, it took you 16 seconds to tell us about your last time on this show. And then you started a joke that you never got to a single punchline after that.

There was 40, 50, 44 seconds after that. Still nothing. Yep, I know. Wow, my goodness. How long have you been doing stand-up? For right now, actually only one month in. Only one month in. Oh, okay.

What did you talk about last time you were on the show? That I was married three times and I'm 25 years old. 25 years old. Married three times. That's for real? Yeah, for real. Wow. You should try meth, dude.

I tried it. I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. My goodness. I tried it. I didn't like it. I had the Heisenberg, and it wasn't that good. Is that really true, or are you still trying?

Okay, stop. I'm throwing down the lead, though. I'm high as fuck right now. Okay, yeah, you could use every excuse in the book. Just stop trying to make jokes and answer the questions honestly. I'm a comic, at least trying to be one. It's okay. Nick, stop it.

You do this thing every time you try to do a joke where you go like this and you put your shoulders up. I'm fucking stoned as fuck, Tony. All right. Again, again, one of the worst excuses in all of comedy. We're all stoned right now, but we just never mention it. So every single episode of the show, except for Kent over there. We're all stoned right now, but we just never mention it. Every single episode of the show, except for Kent over there. That's why.

He saw me smoking earlier. He didn't want none. He looked at me very meanly. Do you always close your eyes when you talk like that? Come here. Take a step back here. Stand between Jeremiah and Mark so the audience can see what you look like when you talk. When you squint, you look like a Shane Gillis character. Who the fuck is Shane Gillis?

I'm too young. I'm only 25. Remember that. Oh, my goodness. It's an Asian joke. Have you ever tried doing jokes with your eyes open? No, I don't. It messes up the whole character for me.

Wow, you're weird. Yes, I am. What do you do for a living, Nick? I'm a used car salesman. Used car salesman? No way! Wow, I would have guessed landscape. Do I look Mexican? Is that why? You look like you sell used fleshlights.

Stop giving me my fucking side hustle, dude. Wow. Oh, God, you're so unfunny. Nick Lee is just dropping bombs over Baghdad. This is incredible. So, Nick, what made you want to get into comedy? We're finding out how funny you are live in the flesh. So, like, what happened here exactly?

Honestly, I love this show. I love this show and all that. I listen to Joey Diaz, Andrew Schultz, Adam Ray. A lot of very talented people you just named. So what made you want to get into... I figured I'd try it out. If I eat a bag of dicks every time, at least I get better. The only way to get better is to actually get the fuck up here.

Are you getting better, though? Is that better than your last performance? Oh, yeah. It's way fucking better. At least I got through the joke, at least. What was the joke? You didn't get through the joke. You didn't get through the joke.

What was the bit? I know what it's called, but at least I got more further into the joke than I did the first time. I was shaking as shit. Doug Benson was trying to champion me on for the interview. It didn't help at all. A joke's not a joke if you never get to the end. And nobody knows that better than Red Band. Yeah.

Red Band. You actually had this part where you asked about a football player, and four people over here knew who you were talking about. But you made it seem like the whole audience knew who you were talking about. Look out, someone on YouTube is going to know who the fuck I'm talking about. What the fuck is wrong with you, Nick? You look like Filipino Bob's big boy. So, Nick, are you from L.A., born and raised?

Yeah, born and raised out here. And you've really been married three times? Yes, I have. How does that happen? Oh, it's young, dumb, and full of cum. Still full of cum, though. Yeah, 0 for 19. Still pushing it, dude.

This is incredible. This is almost an anomaly. Oh, no, I'm just telling you the truth. I know. Sure, okay. Young, dumb, and you're full with cum. So that's the truth. You're telling me that you're filled with cum. Start lying then, dude. I've seen everything I need to.

Thanks for coming in. I love it. So, I mean, how does this work, though? How long do you date these women before proposing to them? I dated the first one. Do I want to lie? Do you want the truth or do you want to lie, Tony?

I want the fucking truth, you idiot. How do you love this show? About a month. Second one's about almost two years. And the last one was about almost two years. The last one was about another two years as well. What's the longest one lasted? The longest marriage lasted

was about eight months. Wow. Also within that eight months as well, I got pregnant, lost a kid, and fucking lost my mind. So I figured I'd try stand-up. Thank God that kid died. Yeah, exactly.

Absolutely. Woo! Man. You don't want that out there. Absolutely. I thought your set was an abortion, but... It's incredible. Is that what happened?

Did you tell her belly your Antonio Brown joke? The baby just came out with a fucking rope around its neck? That's a young Brody. All right, Nick. Well, I mean, I don't know what to tell you, dude. You got to do a lot of open mics. You got to basically do everything the opposite of how you've been doing it. You got to hit your punchlines with your eyes open, hit your punchlines and write punchlines.

It's all very important. Thank you, Tony. I appreciate that. The fundamentals of everything. But you are a very likable, adorable man. I think you make a great comedy fan. Thank you. You named a lot of good names.

You named legitimately funny people on your list of funny people, so you have something. You have a good sense of humor. Okay. Alright, there you go. Nick Lee, everybody. Who knows? You never know. go. Nick Lee, everybody.

Who knows? You never know. 20 years from now, that guy could be the best comedian in the world. It's a crazy art form. Anything can happen. Maybe. Yeah. You guys having fun out there? Sometimes I like to make sure people aren't too traumatized.

I really hope this next guy's funny because this director is stressed the fuck out. Look at him. Look at him. He's so high strung. He needs comedy in his life. Back to you, Tony. Thank you, Skyler. Fuck yeah, man.

Put your hands together for your next comic, Eric Kwasnijuk. Kwasnijuk. Kwasnijuk. Here he comes. Eric Kwasnijuk. Here he is. Hell yeah. All right. Here he is.

Eric Kwasnijuk, everybody. What's up, everybody? Wow. Wow. Wow. This is amazing. This reminds me of the first time I did comedy back in the 90s with my good buddy Zach Galifianakis. Okay? I was in New York City.

Huge crowd. Big after-party. Drugs everywhere. Everything you can think of. Okay? We went to the party and said, Oh, my God, show business, I've arrived. Zach's career went like that. This is my second time on stage. A little bit about me, I'm HIV positive.

Thank you. I'm also a Libra. It's not easy being a Libra. It's not easy being a Libra. A lot of discrimination towards Libras. I have a friend who has cancer. She's a Zodiac. Nobody gives her shit, okay? All right.

That's it. Hell yeah. There you go. Eric Kwasniewski. Okay? Alright. That's it. Hell yeah. There you go. Eric Kwasniewski. Keep that microphone. Keep that microphone. Take a step back here. How are you, Eric? Hey, what's going on? Welcome to the show. This is so exciting. I'm very excited. You did stand-up for the first time in the 90s

and this is your second time ever on a stage. No. I've done it since I had a big drug problem. Oh. Another meth story Really? Wow, look at this I performed here in the late 90s Early 2000s Got big 10 year drug addiction

Went back to Philly, got sober And I just moved back this week Congratulations, that is so cool Wait a minute Wait a minute Went back to Philly Michael James. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Went back to Philly. Michael James. But wait a minute.

You know. Is the movie Philadelphia about you getting AIDS? I love it. So how did you start meth? I started, I met a film producer who lived in Malibu Lake. And, just kidding. And who had a llama and a horse. I made a bad mistake.

Codependent relationship. Oh, you were with him sexually. He was the drug addict and then I started. So you guys were partners for a little bit? I wouldn't call it partners. Did you ever do anything with the llama? No, no, no.

That's nasty. No, no, no. That's nasty. No, never. Her name was Dolly. But yeah, no, never. That's adorable. That's fun. So let's talk about, very rarely have we ever had anyone HIV positive on this show. So let's talk about that.

Sure. When did that happen? How did you find out about that? 1994. 1994, right in the height of it. Pulp Fiction just came out. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You're there.

Selena died. Yeah, exactly. You're there. Selena died. Yeah, it was. Yeah. Then you realize, how did you start to notice that you might have HIV? What happened? I was dating somebody

in Staten Island. There you go. That's how you get AIDS. That's it. Case closed. Are you fucking fair? Oh, hey. Can I get some Purell here?

I'm joking. So you're fucking a guy in Staten Island, and then what happens? He told me he had it, and then I took the ferry and went to the clinic in Staten Island and then waited two weeks. And they told me that I had it. When did he tell you that he had it? Right after he came in your butt? No. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Why did he have to say in his butt? Oh. All right, Red Band. Maybe a month or two after. Man, what an asshole move that is. What's that? You can say that again. What a dick.

Yeah. Yeah, it was. The dick of death. So he told you a month later, like that must have been a crazy phone call, huh? Yeah, it was devastating. Wow. I started doing comedy within a month after that yeah some reason

I got into laughter is the best medicine unless you have HIV that's what they say all right we're gonna take it from the phone call and action uh hey uh hey Eric it's me uh Bob from Staten Island uh yeah hi Bob yeah I uh hi Bob yeah it's been uh I got I got some bad news for you pal Yeah. Hi, Bob. Yeah. Hi, Bob. I got some bad news for you, pal. You're not going to believe this, but I have AIDS. Fuck me. Actually, I already did. Oh, shit.

There you go. All right. All right, can we do that again without the sitcom ending? So that's interesting. So, Eric, you just moved back a week ago. That is so exciting. And you have a new outlook on life, right? Everything's changed. I love that.

Healthy, sober. You look great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look like an undercover genie. Really? Everything's changed. I love that healthy. Yeah, so you look great. Yeah You look like an undercover genie really? Except I would not want to rub his lamp Can we get less maniacal laughter in the monitors, please? I love it. They say laughter. Laughter is contagious, like AIDS.

So, Eric. Eric, have you been, so you're still sexually active, right? You live in West Hollywood now? No, I live in Toluca Lake. Oh, Toluca Lake. AIDS capital of California. Exactly. It's true.

Yeah, it's bad. Yeah. Uh-huh. So when you have sex with people now, what's your deal? You have to tell them. Is that a first date thing? No, no, no. I really don't have much of a sex life, to be honest with you.

Really? Yeah, it's just, it's too much. It takes up too much time. I'm focused on other things that are important. How long are you fucking? What's that? This guy doesn't stop. I've had plenty to last like many lifetimes. So I, you know, just focused on some good shit. So what's the good

shit that you focus on now? I went to film school in Africa a few years ago. Oh, yeah. Nowhere better to go when you already have AIDS than Africa. Can't catch it twice, baby. That's the first thing I would do. Everybody else is under their mosquito nets I'm just out there fucking

Doing jumping jacks Oh shit that was good Thank you So what did you learn in film school in Africa I directed documentaries And made I thought they only made black comedies in Africa Nevermind back to you in the studio, Tony.

Joel's so in character. He has the actual comedic timing of a real PA tonight. It's incredible. Just talking whenever. Method, Stanislavski. All right. Very good. Beautiful hair.

Uh-oh. Look out. Oh, boy. What kind of documentaries did you do? Brian wants to know what kind of documentaries you did. I did one on homeless children, and I did one on comedy, on humor and how humor heals. I love that. That is so cool.

Yeah. So now you live in Toluca Lake. Do you have a job? Nope. No job. What? Are you going to get one? I don't need one.

Whoa. Look at you. How do you get income? I made a lot of money in real estate back in February. Whoa. Hey, now. I thought maybe you were on financial aids or something. You have the best fucking laugh I've ever heard.

We've got to get you as a full-time audience member here. Well, that was awesome. Thank you. Yeah, I love it. I love the shit that's coming out of your mouth. Wow. I mean, I bet you do, my friend.

I bet you do. You've said that many times. You know, they have dating apps for AIDS people. Absolutely. What's that called? Is that really a thing? It's called Whoopsie Daisy.

28 days later. This is so entertaining. I'm sorry. You got it. You guys are just fucking raw. Well, actually, it was you that was raw. Oh, shit, yeah. No safe area here.

No protection. I love it. It's great. You can laugh about it. Not as bad as the toxic guy before me. No, it's great. Who would have guessed that a guy with AIDS could come up here and completely

change the energy of the room? That's not even a joke. Look at that. Okay, cool. Very good. I'll tell you this, man. You have a great sense of humor, and we're all rooting for you. Please come back, will you?

Come back again. Eric Kwasniewicz, everybody. Fuck yeah.iewicz, everybody. Fuck yeah. Great stuff, Eric. Thank you. There you go. Because I miss you, babe. And I don't want to miss a thing.

Yeah. How about a hand for the band up here killing it tonight? Always new songs. They're all coming to Australia in October. Everybody but the sound guys can left behind. Yeah. Oh, this is awesome. I actually, this guy just got pulled out of the bucket

a few weeks ago, and my mom sent me a message telling me that she absolutely loved his performance and our interaction afterwards. Put your hands together for David Lucas, everyone. It's the return of David Lucas. Here he comes. He's a killer. This is a real killer.

We know David. We've seen David. David. Come on, one more time good and loud for David Lucas. I think that white people come from a different God than black people. Because white people want me to believe shit that I just can't believe.

Like, they want me to believe that Christopher Columbus sailed the seven seas in search of some shit white people don't even use. Spices. Like, you want me to believe that this nigga lost three shit but 15 men in search of salt and pepper? Like, he had to be looking for pussy, you know what I'm saying? Because that's the only time niggas go to desperate measures. Like, ask a nigga in San Diego to bring you some lemon pepper to L.A.

He gonna be like, nigga, take your ass to Ralph's. to bring you some lemon pepper to L.A., he gonna be like, nigga, take your ass to Ralph's. But if a girl tell a nigga in San Diego that she fucking, he gonna drive up this bitch on a spare tire. Boom. Boom.

Wherever you are. David Lucas, welcome back, my man. What's up, man? My mom's favorite comedian. I like that turtleneck scuba diving shit you are. David Lucas, welcome back, my man. My mom's favorite comedian. I like that turtleneck scuba diving shit. Oh, you gonna start this again? Yeah, we starting this shit right now. Alright, let's fucking do it, dude. I love the fact that you went to your barber and he just dropped a bag

of licorice on your head. That's fucking awesome. Don't Tony look like he made out of wood? Motherfucker look like a ventriloquist dummy You got me good Who would have guessed I'd get schooled by the nutty professor himself? That's incredible I fuck with Tony because he look like a teenage werewolf

I love it And I fuck with you too because you wear camouflage And we can all still see you In the grocery store. What's up, man? Hey, what's shaking? I fuck with you. You funny, bro.

Yeah, yeah. NW ate too much. You're funny, too, though. You look like a nigga I stole his lunch money in high school. Yeah, you did. I love it. I love it, David. You know how to fucking roast, dude. Hey, Redman, what's up with that fucking show,

bro? Wait, what? What's up with that show? What show? You couldn't do it. But when's the next one? I'll let you know when the next one is. Jesus. Who would have guessed? This guy is hungry for more comedy. I love it. Very rarely do we have anyone on this stage that is the physical embodiment of Jeff Epstein's conscience.

But you are big. They ain't fucking with that one. No, they didn't like that one. A little bit too wordy. You got to put on a different turtleneck next week. A little bit too wordy. This motherfucker got the material that's inside the swim trunks on his shirt. Very good.

I don't know what that shit called. I'm wearing a turtleneck and you're wearing pig skin. So even Stevens on our animalistic clothing. I know you can walk in the rain. Motherfucker just be sliding off your sleeves and shit. Speaking of walking, look at those fucking, those poor fucking shoes. Hell yeah. Adidas Oswego's.

Oh my God. Who said that, motherfucker? That's Matt Barnes, nigga from the Lakers. All right. Oh, white people don't know Matt Barnes. My bad. Heck yeah. You know Matt Barnes, though, because you were born in one.

She looked like a farm animal. I fuck with it. So, David, what's been going on in your life? Tell us more about you. I don't even know if we even found out anything about you. Just got back from Atlanta. You know what I'm saying? I was out there doing some shows. That's why I couldn't fuck with Red Band.

And I'm here now. You know what I'm saying? Every Monday that I'm here, I'm going to come sign up because I fuck with Tony the hardest. I love it. That's great. And I'm still looking for an agent and a manager. Oh shit. Look out. Heck yeah. My manager, our manager is here tonight, but he doesn't represent black people. Oh, that's true.

Just kidding. Damn, bro. You got to sign me now or I'm going to hit your ass with a lawsuit. Hey, so after the show, find me. Y'all need some color on y'all roster. Oh, my goodness. And a nigga that's in the 3X, fuck it Wow, heck yeah

Alright, well David, that's fun What else did you do for fun in Atlanta? Uh, eat I bet It's cheap, nigga, $100 go so far in Atlanta Yeah, what were you able to get with $100 in Atlanta? I was like the 12th richest man in Atlanta With $1,200 I was like the 12th richest man in Atlanta.

With $1,200, I was like the 12th richest man in Atlanta. It's cheap out there, bro. It is. I was meeting girls that told me they rent with $600. I was like, what? You can't even buy a fucking closet space in LA for $600. You can't buy a what? Closet space.

Oh. The shit that you came out of. Oh. That's very good. That joke would work if I ever came out, but I'm still in it, you motherfuckers. Fuck you. Very good. Y'all, what's up, man?

That's my thing, man. Nailed it. So, David, you're back from Atlanta. What's your love life like? Shit, you know, I'm out here. Yeah, you're out here? That's very good. I ain't putting nobody on blast, man. You know, that's what I'm doing.

What are you into? What's your favorite type of girl? What do you like? One with a pussy. Wow. Look at that. Pretty much just that. I'm a big nigga.

We ain't picky. If a bitch is in a wheelchair and she fucking, I'm with her. Damn. Have you ever had sex with a woman in a wheelchair? Nah, not yet. I would, though. Because I could put her legs any kind of way, she won't feel it. Wow, I like that.

That's true. You can roll over. Because you know with big guys, girls be complaining, my legs hurt. But if you got a bitch paralyzed from the waist down. I love that. It feels like if you fuck her bitch paralyzed from the waist down... I love that. It feels like if you fuck her good enough, she'll walk away. And eventually, when you

have your feet removed, you guys could relate over that. Take her wheelchair for a little spin-a-roo-dee or something like that. Have you ever been diagnosed with anything? Nope. I'm a healthy big boy. Really?

I know y'all ain't gonna believe me, but I'm a pescatarian. Really? Yeah, I have to eat whales to keep up with my caloric intake. Whatever that... Caloric? How you say it? Caloric intake. Okay, let's do another take. I didn't believe that one. We know you're pescatarian. We've seen believe that one. We know you're pescatarian.

We've seen black fish before. We know about those. You know what's crazy? I don't even take this motherfucker. He don't even hurt me. You know what I'm saying? I love that. Tony's the only guy who can be racist to me.

Isn't it crazy that you only eat fish and you can't swim? We had this discussion. I grew up white. I can swim and play tennis. Really? Yes. Oh my god. You just got picked up by Tony's manager. Fuck with you boy. Fuck with me. That's incredible.

You have to give him 10%. You know that, right? I don't give a fuck. All right. Now I'm giving up 10% of nothing. Right. So if I give up 10% of something, I got to pay taxes? Yeah, you still got to pay taxes.

You have to basically pay their taxes, too. It's a shady industry. No, it is what it is, man. You know, that's what I'm out here for. Uh-huh. I bet. Yeah. Wow. So, David, that's so fun. What's your I'm out here for. Uh-huh. I bet. Yeah. Wow.

So, David, that's so fun. What's your living situation out here? What part of town are you in? Studio City. Wow. Studio City. I come from a pretty decent family. We talked about that.

I don't come from no broke-ass family. Yeah. What do your parents do or whatever? My mom, she does real estate. She owns a lot of property and shit. Oh, heck yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got a dad? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got a dad?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. That's impressive. My dad's actually a senator. You know what I'm saying? Really? Yeah, Google him. David Lucas joins us.

Get the fuck out of here. He's a senator? A U.S. senator? For America? Yes. Google it, red man. I can't believe he has a seat and you take up two. Google it.

You see it? Yeah, he is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, that's fucking crazy. Your dad's a senator. Yeah, so every time I get stopped with a gun, I get off. Damn, that is so cool. It is what it is, man.

Heck yeah, man. I love it. Very cool. Well, David, I mean, you is so cool. It is what it is, man. Heck yeah, man. I love it. Very cool. Well, David, I mean, you're absolutely hilarious. You have a great sense of humor. You take it, you dish it out, and you're unbelievably funny every time you're on the show. Anything else for David, guys? Hey, hey, I'm going to be sitting right over there to your manager.

Who he is? Agent or manager? He's a manager. Hey, bro, so, you know, I sent you a drink. What y'all niggas drinking? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Jake. Jake, just look good and hard for the black guy in camouflage in the back of the room. There he goes. David Lucas, everybody. Kill it, man. Kill it. Shadow of the Night. He's on social media at David Lucas funny.

All one word. Funny, funny guy. Tuesdays with stories with Mark Norman and Joe List. MarkNormanComedy.com. Dates coming up in Addison, Austin, Texas. A lot of fun stuff. We're going to Dallas next week. Oh, yeah.

Sometimes I like to throw in plugs right in the middle of the show when they can't fast forward through them. Sneak it right in. Thank you. Thank you. Man, David was great. Good comic. He's amazing. Big presence. So your mom really did call you up and tell you she liked him? She texted.

Yeah, she just texts. She's 72, but she still has a grasp of things. Heck yeah. She actually talks to Aphrodite a lot on the phone. They're actually friends. A little fun fact. Sisters, there you go.

It's like a white men can't jump, the woman version. He can't jump. Pulled a name out of the bucket. Here we go. Put your hands together for Kristen Cunningham. Kristen Cunningham getting a lady up here right now on a beautiful Monday night in Los Angeles, California. Nobody has it better than us.

Kristen Cunningham, everybody. Hey, I'm getting older. We all are, but me especially. And I know that I'm getting older because I'm into funk now. And I was never into funk because nothing will make you hate a whole genre of music more than an old man dancing off beat to it. You know what I'm saying? Thanks a fucking lot, Dad.

But what I really like about funk, I'm into this one song in particular and that song is One Nation under a group by Parliament and I'm into this song because it's about dancing your constrictions away which is really great because all the songs from my generation are about dancing your way into constrictions like my knees are fucking busted from songs like drop it like it's hot what I'm saying to you guys is how do we not have health care right now? Like just based off like how much TV we watched in like 90s and 2000s. Like there should be like class action lawsuit right now being like, hey, did you watch BTVH1 or MTV from 90s to 2000s? We owe you some fucking money.

Kristen Cunningham, everybody. Hell yeah. Welcome. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? A little bit over a year.

A little bit over a year. All of it here in Los Angeles? No, I just actually moved here this week. Oh, congratulations. Heck yeah. Did you move with the guy that has AIDS? No. No.

Figured maybe you met him at African film school or something like that. I don't know. Yeah. I love that that gets a groan. Clearly an African woman, but if you say African and you're white, they just groan automatically now. Right. And now it goes dead silent. Very good.

Elon Musk is African. Is that true? Yeah, south. The good kind. Yeah. Kristen, you just moved here this week. Where from? Detroit.

Detroit, Michigan. Welcome. My God. You went from absolutely... There you go. Oh, shit. Live sound effects coming from Detroitroit right now yes david's back detroit man wow that's crazy you must have seen a lot of crazy stuff there i've actually seen

more crazy things here um i've been here a week and i've already seen a dead body so really wow where'd you see a dead body at? I took the metro today. You took the metro. Oh, yeah. That'll do it. There's a lot of them on there. My goodness. Yeah.

And wow. It was just a dead guy laying there? I would describe it as a law and order scene. I just saw like an arm hanging out of a white cloth. Wow. That is incredible. Do you know how he died or anything about it? No. I just mostly was upset that I had to walk up the stairs.

But I mean, for you, any hand coming out of a white cloth is probably scary. Hey, there he is. There's Joel. That's fucking fair. That's fucking fair. I love it. Kristen Cunningham. So what's your living situation? You just moved here this week. I'm in an Airbnb in Koreatown.

Oh, very cool. Heck yeah. Nice. And what's the big plan over here? Are you looking for a job or something like that? Yeah, so I hear your manager's here, like whatever. Poor guy. You know, other people are doing it.

I guess I should jump on. I mean, one black's enough. Yeah. He hasn't signed them yet. That's true. So, I mean, like, I'm a woman, so it's a better timing. Whoa, look at that. That's true.

Sorry, sorry. Good point. My goodness. Think about it. I have a really nice smile. But other than that, like, what did you do? Did you save a bunch of money in Detroit? Yeah, not, I mean, kind of.

I did a really boring job before this. I did internal auditing, which, like, you know, from Detroit, that's, like, the opposite of what you thought I'd say. Right. Telling on people. But, yeah, I mean, you know, did retail before that. I love it. I love it. I love it.

What's your love life like, Kristen? I am single. Wow. Look at that. What's your favorite type of guy? Someone that built like David Lucas or someone more like me? I would say definitely money. Oh, wow.

Jews. Yeah, exactly. You really do want to meet my manager, wow. Choose. Yeah, exactly. You really do want to meet my manager, huh? Yeah. I like how the body type options were morbidly obese or super skinny and nothing in between for the options. That's true.

There you go. Kent Willow. So, Kristen, this is interesting stuff. Last guy you dated. What was he like? I have not dated seriously since like high school. Really? Why is that?

You just don't. Men are trash. Men are trash? My goodness. You've never met any. You were in high school. Give it another shot. It's so much work for what pay off. Really?

You never got any pay off from it? Yeah. Well, to be fair, you were living in Detroit. Like, what kind of guys are you meeting in Detroit, right? Out here, we probably have a little bit better guy, I would imagine. Have me back and we'll talk about it. Whoa, look at that. Red band and black band coming together.

Holy shit. Whoa. Wow. She's holding back her vomit right now. It's incredible. Yeah, nobody wants to part that bed. Wow. Kristen, any other crazy fun facts about you?

Any hobbies or anything that you like to do? What do you do for fun? I mean, how does one have fun besides this? There's a lot of different ways. You ever go Frisbee golfing? I did go to a liberal arts school, so no. I do knit, though.

You knit? Yeah. Wow. I like to do old people shit. I talked about getting older. It's real. You should make that guy an AIDS quilt. Yeah, for sure.

Keep him warm at night. There's his laugh. He loves it. Oh, there he is. You can hear him very clearly. AIDS does not affect a man's laugh. Just a fun fact that we learned here tonight on Kill Tony. I hope he makes it long enough to see the YouTube clip.

All right, Kristen. Well, welcome to L.A., you know. Tony. I hope he makes it long enough to see the YouTube clip. Alright, Kristen. Well, welcome to LA. Take what the fuck is out there for you. I like your style. I think you have a new fresh arrival type of softness to

you. I feel like in just maybe a few weeks, you're going to be a lot more fucking cutthroat. You're going to have real answers for us because LA is going to get rid of all the sweetness that's left in your soul. They told me this.

I'm coming from Detroit, so how? Trust me. You'll see. You're still excited to be here. You've only seen one dead body. Let everything take its course. But Kristen, it was nice to meet you. Come back again soon. There she goes. Kristen Cunningham, everybody. She's on

Twitter at ItOccursToMe. All one word. Very fun. Hey! Hey! Wow. That's an aggressive song. What the fuck? Woo!

Wow. All right. That was great. Yeah. What song was that, Kent? I Will Always Love You, Whitney Houston. Oh. Yeah, she died in a tub.

Alright, this looks like an interesting name. Put your hands together for Snacks Mega. Is this real? Snacks Mega? Snacks Mega? Huh. Seems like somebody...

Yeah, it seems too good to be true. I didn't want to say it in front of the last guy. I feel bad being mean to the ladies, but I wanted to say Bernie Mac and cheese. Oh. I couldn't do it. No better time than after they're offstage already, just in case they get mad.

You seem too sweet to do that. Yeah, yeah, and people get mad when you're mean to women, but I thought it was about equality. All right. How about Bradley Dern? Is Bradley Dern here? Bradley Dern. Here he comes, everybody.

Dancer. I remember this guy. Hold me closer down the highway. One more time for Bradley, everyone. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Jazz to be here. Just jazz in general.

Got good news. I finally moved out of my parents' house. Fucking finally. Into my grandparents' house. Because I'm fucking crushing it. I know. No, I'm actually living at my recently deceased grandparents' place

while my family kind of figures out what to do with it. And not gonna lie, it's a pretty sweet deal. Like, I'm not paying rent. I got like a whole house to myself. But it's haunted. It's for sure fucking haunted. Like, I don't know. I'm just hearing some like general weird noises,

getting some bad vibes, kind of having the feeling that maybe they're watching me. I mean, I know it would help if I got rid of the bodies, for sure. But trash day isn't until next week. And you know you just can't get that old person smell out of your house. While I've been living there, I've discovered kind of a family secret about myself that's fucked me up

a little bit. I've discovered that my great- Oh, never mind. Sure, go ahead. You want to finish it? Nah, it's too long. Okay, very good. Bradley Dern. Bradley Dern, everybody. So Bradley, is that all true? Yes, that is absolutely true.

You live in your grandparents' house? They just died? Yes, and I murdered them. Mmm. Oh, well done. That cat noise was the closest you've been to pussy. It's fair. I love that.

This is the first time we've had a Boston Red Sox relief pitcher on the show, so this is exciting stuff. Very bearded, very manly man here, Bradley. So when did your grandparents die? My grandfather died about two months ago. Wow. How did he die? Cancer.

Cancer. Heck, yeah. And now you're in the house. Yes, now I'm in the house. You have it all to yourself. Where's the house at? It's in Northridge. Oh, wow. That's the house at? It's in Northridge. Yeah.

Oh, wow. That's a pretty far drive, huh? Yeah, a little bit, but do what you got to do. Heck yeah. How long have you been an extra on Silicon Valley? How long have you been an extra on Silicon Valley? I don't know. What do you do for work, Bradley?

I work at DreamWorks, actually. I'm a production assistant over there. Oh, my goodness. Look out. Maybe you could help this guy get a job, huh? Yeah. Wow. What are you working on now over at DreamWorks?

I'm actually on the international dubbing group, so we handle all the shows. I oversee the casting for DreamWorks content in non-English languages. Wow. So I cast a lot of sound-alikes for actors. Oh, very cool. All right.

Interesting stuff. How long have you been doing that for? Since about February. Wow. What is your love life like? Non-existent. Really? Yeah, shocker.

You ever go on dates or anything? No. Do you ever take a girl back to your creepy, haunted grandparents' house? Sometimes. Honestly, I've been so busy with work and shit. I'm not great at messaging people back. Really? That's why you're not getting laid?

You're not messaging back? Yeah. Really? You get messaged? Where do these people send messages to? Usually on Tinder, Bumble. Really? Let me see.

Let me see one of these messages that somebody sent. I'm from Norwegian. This is exciting. What did you just try to say? I was trying to say, like, you know, one of those emails you get, you win a million dollars, a prince. I couldn't think of the country.

Not Norwegian. That's Nigeria. Nigeria. A Norwegian prince. If a Norwegian prince tells you that he has money for you, he probably does. Let's see what happens here. Let me see these chicks.

Damn, look at that. Wow, look at this, man. You're doing pretty good. You really don't message these girls back. Ooh, look at this one. Damn, look at this fun train. That's a tranny. Oh, look at this one. Damn, look at this fun train. That's a tranny. Oh my god.

Wow, you sent a... You matched with a girl and you sent her a gif of a bear saying hello. Oh yeah, that's my move, man. And then she sent a gif of a cat and then you said, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha how's it going? And she said, it's going good, lol.

How are you? You guys are just laughing about nothing. You're like the guy with AIDS over here. And then you said, pretty good, pretty good, just getting myself ready for bed slash work tomorrow. And then she said, so being a dubbing assistant is a nine to five, eh? Who would have thought?

I mean, anybody that thought about it for a second? And then you said, LOL, yep, a full-time gig. And I do comedy at nights after work, so I'm usually going from, like, 9 to 10-ish most nights. And then she said, wow, honestly, that's really cool, LOL. Do you enjoy your daytime job? It sounds very intriguing. And then you just stopped responding.

Ghosted. And then you just ghosted her. You're like your grandfather, and you ghosted her. Look at this. This is incredible. One chick said, hey, how's it going? And you said, hey, with a smiley, like sad emoticon. It's going all right. Just getting myself ready for work tomorrow. H.B.U. question mark. She said said, haha, nice. I'm just chilling in bed watching TV. Nothing too exciting. Then that's it. You just left it there.

No, I'm kidding. How do you respond to that? No, she ghosted you. These are interesting. I could read people's fucking Tinders forever. You ever do anything dirty? Like, is he going to find something like, look at my dick. This is incredible. So like, this other chick, you sent that same bear gift. This is like your go-to. Oh, I told you. That's my dick. This is incredible. So, like, this other chick, you sent that same bear gif.

This is like your go-to. Oh, I told you. That's my move. I don't know if you guys can see that bear gif. It's a fat bear waving. I told you, I'm lazy. You sent that again. She said, oh, hello.

And you said, ha, ha, ha. How's it going? She literally said, pretty well. And you? Ghost. Ghost. Nothing. That's it. I told you I'm bad at messaging people back. and she literally said pretty well and you ghost. Ghost. Nothing. That's it.

I told you I'm bad at messaging people back. It is unbelievable. Oh, look at this one. One chick you matched with you just sent a gif and nothing. Doesn't work every time. Is that a power move?

What are you doing? Think of it as like a non-threatening kind of like hey but still not just throwing out like a hey. Nothing non-threatening kind of like, hey, but still not throwing out like a hey. Nothing non-threatening than a giant brown bear waving like that. I think you might be a bear.

Maybe that's what's happening. Maybe. My goodness. So last time you had sex, when was that? Like June-ish. Yeah, June-ish. Hell yeah. So what happened?

Give us the layout of this entire situation. I had taken this girl out on a couple of dates, one like dinner thing, one hike thing, and then the third time we went to her house to watch a horror movie

and just kind of progressed from there. Yeah, what was the horror movie? I couldn't tell you. It was a really shitty one on Netflix and we didn't watch much of it. Uh-huh.

Should have just played direct. Yeah. So what happened? You're watching the shitty horror movie, and then what happens? Let me guess. You sent her a gif of a bear just waving. You're like, huh? What do you think, huh?

Did you guys watch Grizzly Man? So what happened? What's your first move on this chick? Do you remember? Not even. I just kind of looked at her, and she looked at me, and that was it. That was the end. That was it.

You came, and that was it. Yeah, that was it. Wow. Oh, boy. Do you have any special maneuvers that you do in the bedroom? Anything crazy that you could teach us? Probably not, no. No?

What's your favorite position? Doggy style. Doggy style? Really? That way you can't see her. Oh, my God. You eat a girl out with that big face push? No, I shave usually when I'm actually trying to.

You shave before you eat a girl out? That's incredible. Skin to skin. No, when I'm trying to get laid, I'll shave my beard. I'm going to eat your pussy. I just got to go to the bathroom real quick. I'll be right back. Fuck yeah.

I got a question. What color is your Prius? Oh, do you have a Prius? No Prius. No? What do you got? No. Toyota Scion.

Woo! Wow. So close. Or Scion TC. What am I saying? So close. The Prius's slutty sister. The Scion. I love So close. Or Scion TC. What am I saying? So close. The Prius's slutty sister. The Scion.

I love that. Incredible, Bradley. Any other fun facts we should know about you? What? Jesus. Yeah. Nothing, really. I'm a pretty uninteresting person.

Really? No. I just can't think of anything kind of nervous. Any hobbies? I mean, there must be something. I play guitar. Alright. Yeah. Alright. Something. What do you know? You know how to play any songs that we would recognize on

guitar? I can play a bunch of songs. I love System of a Down. Really? You know how to play System of a Down? I'll play System of a Down right now. Really? Yeah. Alright. Would you mind sharing your guitar with this guy? How about a hand for Chroma Chris? Being a good sport.

He's got to tune it. This is very interesting. This is a... Heck yeah. I can already hear his grandmother yelling from the basement. Shut up. All right, he's sitting down. He's sitting next to the amp.

Hell yeah, very rock star style. There you go. Stand frame, stand frame. Here we go. All right. Now you really look like a youth pastor. Wow. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I think the drums are going to be a lot louder than this guitar.

Yeah, let's do it acapella style. You play, I'll follow you. Yeah. Wow, look at this. Wow, that's incredible. Wow. Yeah, I had a feeling that was going to happen. All right.

Bradley Dern, everybody. Let's keep this fun train moving along. Good job. Jeremiah's dream of me singing Toxicity on this show will slip by another episode. Tony knows every word to Toxicity. I think that we should tune it to standard tuning, and I think Tony should maybe sing System of a Down right here, right now. It's never going to happen.

Never going to happen. You want to see that? You're going to have to come back for the 10-year anniversary in 2024. All right. 2023, actually. The show is so damn entertaining. Let's do that. Before we go to our next comedian, let's find out a little bit more from one of the amazing sponsors of this show.

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to sign up. Go to Monday.com slash Kill Tony. Nobody has more fun on Mondays than us. And we're back, live at the Comedy Store for Kill Tony. And we have a regular on this show, ladies and gentlemen. We've had a lot of regulars over the six-year

history of the show. Ali Makovsky now opens up for Joe Rogan. Kim Congdon and Sarah Wineshank are in New York doing amazing things and amazing shows. Wineshank's in New York doing amazing things and amazing shows. Wineshank's here. We're having our own Comedy Central show. And this is our new regular.

And there's also Malcolm, who's extremely successful, working with Justin Roiland a lot. And this is our current guy. He's a wildfire. He is a habitual liar. And yet he is absolutely hilarious. Put your hands together for him. It's William Montgomery, everybody. He's here. He's somewhere. Where

is William? Heck yeah. Blacklisted! Wow, so awkward, Brian, and so loud. Anybody have eyes on William anywhere? You do see him? Okay. Very good.

Jesus Christ. All right. This is fun. Only William could miss the spot that we do at the same time every single week. Very good. You know what? Let's go back to the bucket. We'll go to William after this.

Very fun. Put your hands together for your next comedian, John Botelho. John Botelho. Hey. Hey. Between the seconds. Step back from that ledge Step back from that ledge Step back from that ledge

Step back from that ledge My friend Oh, won't you step back? One more time for John Botelho, everybody Here he is We've already seen one guy who ate some dicks everybody. Here he is. We've already seen one guy who ate some dicks, one guy who just liked to

eat, and I'm somebody who has an eating addiction. It's true. I've lost 85 pounds though. Yeah, thank you. Losing weight actually kind of sucks because people just expect so much more out of you. All my friends want me to go hiking now.

Like, losing weight. The payoff for losing weight is just more exercise. I am an emotional eater. I always have been. You know, like, my idea of comfort food is something that's jam-filled, deep-fried, and frosted with trans fats. I'm not worried about, worried about my mom ever finding my

porn history. I just don't want her to see my Domino's order history. My idea of an emotional support animal is just a bucket of KFC chicken. Before I lost the weight, every time I ate... All right, I'll just stop there. That's good. Was there something else you want to finish up?

No, we're good. Here, take a step back here. Face that audience. You got it. I don't want them to see that side of you. Heck yeah. Welcome, John. How are you, pal? I'm great. How are you? Oh, okay. Jeremiah wants the mic stand back there.

Very real director. Clearing frame for our camera when it goes to YouTube. Very good. Heck yeah. Lord knows that thick mic stand will... It would have covered you entirely. That was good. Very good. So, John, you just talked about how much you love food for a minute. Yeah, I do love food.

Hell yeah, you do. You really lost 85 pounds. Yes. How'd you do it? I mean, it's mostly just not being able to afford brunch in Los Angeles. Ah, okay. How long have you lived in L.A.? Nine months.

Nine months. You're ready to have the baby. So where'd you come from? Portland, Maine. Portland, Maine. Interesting stuff. What made you move here? I moved here for comedy.

How long have you been doing stand-up? About a year and a half. Year and a half. And you started there in Portland, Maine or Boston? I started in Portland, but those scenes kind of bleed together. So it's a little bit of both. Right. So tell us about your life. What do you do

for work? I walk dogs. Yeah, you do. You also walk audience members. I saw a few people leave during your set. Oh, that's alright. No, it's okay. First time I've ever walked anybody at the comedy store. What's that? That's the first time I've ever walked anybody at the comedy store.

I'll take it. There you go. Absolutely, John. It's not a good thing. I know. You've got to get it out of the way at. What's that? That's the first time I've ever walked anybody at the comedy store. I'll take it. There you go. Absolutely, John. It's not a good thing. I know. You gotta get it out of the way at some point, right? You just walk dogs?

That's all you do? I mean, I walk dogs and I do a lot of comedy stuff. What do you do for fun? I see a lot of movies. I love baseball.

You love baseball? Yeah. You play baseball sometimes? Not anymore. What did you used to do? I played baseball in college. You love baseball? Yeah. You play baseball sometimes? Not anymore. What did you used to do? I played baseball in college. You did? Were you a pitcher? I was a catcher.

Ah, okay. Gage, yes. Fuck yeah. My goodness. So, what college? Springfield College. Okay. It's in Massachusetts? Yes. Uh-huh. Did you ever get hurt playing catcher?

I tore my rotator cuff. Torn rotator cuff. Throwing somebody out at second? He was probably safe, but that was the idea, yeah. Yeah. Okay. You ever get into an argument with an umpire? Not as a player.

I coached afterwards, and I did, yeah. You ever have a good relationship with an umpire? Yeah, all the time. All the time. That's sort of one of the tricks, is the catcher, like, tries to get on the umpire's good side for the sake of the entire team. You ever compliment an umpire?

You ever lie to them? All the time. Wow. Somehow this guy's making us less funny. I know, it's incredible. What the fuck? It's airborne. Main humor. It is unbelievable. John

Botelho. So what else, man? What are some interesting fun facts about you? You have someone wacky in your family? You have a slutty aunt or something like that? Oh man, I mean I bought a place when I moved out here. You bought a place? Yeah.

My goodness. Like actual real estate. I mean, it's a van. Oh, look at that. The big misdirect there. Now we're getting somewhere. Heck, yeah. What kind of van is it?

It's a Chevy cargo van. Wow. I thought you were a pedo. No, it's a red van. Oh, it's a red van. That's like saying I boughto. No, it's a red van. Oh, it's a red van. That's like saying I bought a timeshare. It's a watch. Got yourself a van.

What's that? So you live in the van? I do, yeah. And you ever attracted to children? No. Nope. Do you have it pimped out? Do you have a refrigerator and a little stove in there? I have a dresser and a bed.

Wow. You have a dresser in there. Yeah. Why a dresser? Why do you need that? So I can put my clothes away. Just like a box if you're in a van, right? I mean, it makes it feel a little homey.

I put wood floors in it, so I did pimp it out a little bit. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah. Hell yeah. Very interesting. You ever shag a skirt in there? I've had sex in the van, yes.

Really? Is that true? How do you get a girl back to a van? With rope. With rope. Yeah, what was that like? I just found honesty up front worked. I don't know.

Sometimes they're into it. Where'd you meet this girl at? Hollywood and Vine. She was probably homeless, to be honest. I met her at a hostel. Well, technically, so are you. I met her at a hostel. No, I'm a homeowner.

Ah, okay. All right. He's houseless. Right, houseless. Yeah. Good point. Good point. I own a home with Right, houseless, yeah. Uh-huh. Good point. Good point. I own a home with a view of the Hollywood sign.

Uh-huh. So you met her outside of a hostel? No, I met her. So when I first moved here, I stayed at a hostel for a couple weeks while I was getting the van squared away, and I met her there. And then we reconnected a few months later. Heck yeah. You're like, hey, babe, I got my own place, got my own ride.

It's the same thing, but come on in. I like it. So then what happened? You took her in there. What's your move? Just throw a finger in there first and worry about the rest later? No, I mean, we Netflixed and chilled in the van. Really?

On what, your phone? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Damn, you strike me as more of a Hulu guy. My Hulu hookup changed their password. I got you. I got you. Those glasses made it seem like an actual screen?

They did, yes. I love it, John. Well, that's interesting stuff. So you live in a van. Where do you tend to park at? What part of town? Usually over on, like, 6th Street. Because I don't have to move it once a week that way.

6th and, like, what? Like, Van Oly. The Fairfax area. Wow, that's unfortunately strangely close to where I live. Not a big fan. What color is the van so I can report it? We've got to get you out to Luca Lake. I said it was red. It's red. It's a red van? I can report it. We've got to get you out to Luca Lake. I said it was red.

It's red. It's a red van? Yeah. Very good. I'm going to hunt. Where did I drive this time? All right, John. Well, thanks for coming on this show.

Congratulations on your weight loss. Thank you. And we're going to keep it moving along. He's on Twitter at John Tells Jokes. John Boatelho. All right. Nice. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

the regular on-kill Tony, the one, the only, the big red machine, William Montgomery, everybody. Here he is, live in the flesh. I'm crazy for feeling so lonely. everybody. Here he is. Live in the flesh. Here we are. William Montgomery everybody. Come on. Growing up Dracula was a really big influence on me. Just how he walked, how he talked how he presented himself.

Sometimes when I'm in a dark room, I'll wonder if my eyes are open or closed, and then I'll blink. So I had to go to Dr. Seuss the other day. My leg was real hurt, and his synopsis was, I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. Your leg looks broken, going I said what I meant. Your leg looks broken, going to need a splint.

He is a very nice man. His name is Frank Dracula. He lives up in a magnolia tree outside of my parents' house in Memphis He is addicted to Zantac 75 He refuses to actually get in the sewer In front of my parents' house 249, so you need to There you go Stopped right on the cat

First question, William. All right. First of all, how did you miss your spot? Explain to us all. We all want to know. We all got very excited. There is a door guy named Joe Maurice. I was making out with him in the bathroom.

Wow. This is interesting. Heck yeah. Why are you dressed like a wildlife safari guide tonight? For the past two years, I've been living in Latin America. I've been studying magnolia trees. I've been studying the science of the male body. I've been studying Joe Murray's picture in this magazine I have at the minute.

I've been kissing the magazine. I've been taking Zantac 75 too much. I haven't slept in five fucking days. You haven't slept in five days because of Zantac 75? Zantac 75. I have a bad acid reflux issue. It has turned into

a real nightmare. I've been playing the Ouija board a bunch. Really? Down in the sewers. I'm talking to my uncle Lee. He was a bad drinker. He would drink a bunch of the, what is that stuff called that makes your breast mouthwash? Yeah. Yeah.

That's it. What the hell is going on? You look like a Confederate soldier who follows fish around. You all don't know this. Mark Norman and I were in Twister 2. One of the scenes was in Missouri. Okay, I'm not believing any of this.

My goodness. I had no idea there was a Twister 2. What was that movie about, William? It starred Kevin Bacon. He was trying to outrun the big worms in the desert. They almost called it... Can you tell me on this?

Yeah, what is that? Tremors. Tremors. They almost called it Tremors. Should have been Michael J. Fox. Hey. Very good. Mark Norman.

Tremors 2. From the mind of Stephen King starring Michael J. Fox riding in William's grandmother's purple Ford Taurus. William, let me ask you this. There was one point during your set in which you had

a great setup for a joke. I was really connected. The Dr. Seuss joke. I'm like, this payoff is going to be huge. Then you tried to rhyme the words ment and splint. And it doesn't really... My leg is hurt.

Why do your legs hurt? I have something... It's weird you ask me that. I literally have stage four Lyme's disease. Stage four Lyme's disease. Stage four Lyme's disease. I can't go near a fucking tree. My uncle lives in a tree house. I can't visit him.

It was his birthday this past week. I get rashes all over my body. I have something called Lyme's disease. I used to go in the woods. I got bit by a tick. Do the math. I have two years left to live. Is that true? Has a doctor told you. I have two years left to live. Is that true? Has a doctor told

you that you have two years left to live? Dr. Threckle was like, William, take that eye patch off your eye. I don't get it. It works perfectly well. And cut. Wow. You literally can't use any of that.

William, what's been going on in your personal life lately? You've mentioned lately that you've been having some romance with a young lady. It has been sort of a tale of two cities, if you will. I'm a big literary guy. Tale of the Haunted Mask you could call it that's one of R.L. Stine's best Where the Sidewalk Ends you could call it that as well

that's Shel Silverstein one of the best poems How about the romantic relationship that you've been in lately how's that been going? It has been a whole bunch of fun. I'm

a little worried. I have these rashes on my knees. Can I give you a director's note right now? Yeah. I think the audience would be genuinely surprised if you were honest for one minute. Whoa! Wow, look at Whoa. Wow.

Look at that. Wow. Kent Willow. I want to give it a... Let's take it again and action. My goodness. What is your love life like? Here we are.

First and foremost, I want to give it up for my Uncle Lee. He actually did not have a drinking problem with Listerine, the gold color. Lee. Oh, the gold Listerine. Where'd you see that at? That's a new reference we have. Mark, when are you going to help me? Oh, what do I do?

You look like you're pretty far gone, man. I feel like I'm listening to NPR on too much cough medicine. I don't know what's happening. What type of help do you want, William? What do you think's going on here? Mark, can we just do a quick scene? We were cast in the movie Scream. We walk in the house, see a dead body.

Can we do that scene? Sure. All right. Do I have to stand up? Stand up, please. Wow, okay. William? Red band, turn that song up a little bit.

I mean, not too much. Just very low. There you go. That's perfect. See, I don't know the movie that well, so you're going to have to help me. I know Jamie Kennedy was in it. He's funny. So what are you saying, William?

There's a dead body on the ground in front of you guys? You just walked in? Mark, this is my uncle's house, Uncle Lee. He's a bad drinker. He told me he was going to start killing people. Hold on, Mark. Who's that on the ground? Oh, shit.

I can't act. I'm not a good actor. Hey, Mark. Should we walk upstairs? Is Lee up there? Yeah, let's get up there. Lee. Oh, you guys are at the top of the stairs.

Hold on, Mark. After this, what should we eat? That's a good question. I got some Percocets. I would watch this movie over and over again. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't know what's happening. Is this always what happens with this? Yes, it is.

The only one he couldn't penetrate was Miss Pat. He tried to play with her and she literally went, I believe her exact words were all hell no. All right. It hurt my feelings. I moved to the Philippines. All right, William Montgomery my feelings. I moved to the Philippines.

All right, William Montgomery, everybody. Hell yeah. Wow. This was... He's making a weird noise that we've never heard before. This is exciting stuff. He just said, uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Whoa! Whoa! Look who it is! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! It's another open mic-er!

That was great. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the first guests in the history of Kill Tony, Ari Shavir is here. Thank you, everybody. Thank you very much. I stopped by to say one thing and one thing only. And that is this. You pay a fucking attention to me. Right now, the 2020 Kill Tony calendar of the band

is out right now. For just $20, they'll be right out there after the show. Everybody get one. Who wants a Kill Tony pin? You get one. You get one. Wow, where the fuck did you get those at? I really hope you paid for those. Oh my god.

Oh boy, that's horrible. Those cost $3 a piece, I think. I love it. Ari, what are you doing? You want to hang out for a comedian? Awesome. Ari Shafir is going to join everybody. Heck yeah, dude.

We're going to go to the bucket one more time. Ari, you want to pick it out? Ari's hand goes into the bucket Where it stops, no one knows Go ahead and read that name out loud It is the bucket of dust Oh, it's definitely Indian It's Kajansiva

Kajansiva No, it's one word Kajansiva Don't touch me Oh, this is horrible One more time. Kajantiva. Don't touch me. Oh, this is horrible. One more time for Kajan, everybody. His Twitter address or his Instagram is Kajan.

Here he is. It has to be one, two, three. Five A's? Five A's or you will not reach him. We actually planned that. He thought I was brown. One more time for Kajan. His time starts right now. He thought I was brown. One more time for Kajan as time starts right now. 60 seconds uninterrupted.

I actually apologize for my last set, Tony. I wanted to just tell you that, like, I'm not from this planet. You guys were wondering, but I've actually come from another star system, and I'm going back in a couple of days. And it was just an experiment. Do you have any gigs planned when you're out there? No. This was just an experiment to see how, like, alien life would do, how they would do stand-up.

Heck yeah. It was. There he goes. Kajan Jeeva, everybody. Good job. There he goes, Kajan. What do you guys think? Should we go to the bucket one more time, huh?

Fuck yeah. Kajan, you were so good that they were like, we have to have more. That's probably what his thought process was. This show is a conveyor belt of quacks and hacks. It's true. Why would they look back here? Why would he deliver everything to not the 300 people? Yeah, it's very...

Some of these people are from a different star system altogether. You know what I mean? I did just look at the front row. It's pretty disgusting. I wouldn't mind. Oh, and the guy with the costume. Hell yeah. Oh, shit.

There's a guy in blackface right there in the front row. Counts. Trudeau. Did you pull another name out of there? I did. All right, let's do it. Your final comedian of the night goes by the name of... Matt Mellon.

Matt Mellon, the bucket of destiny, has chosen you. Coming from deep in the back, here he comes. Did you guys have fun tonight? This is it, your last comedian of the night, Matt Mellon, everybody. Thank you, guys. I apologize right off the top. I Mallon, everybody. Thank you, guys. I apologize right off the top. I'm a little hungover.

I drank way too much last night. I drank so much last night when I woke up this morning, I thought I was paralyzed. That's the last time I pass out in a wheelchair. Holy shit. That's a scary wake-up, right? Especially for the girl that owned the wheelchair.

I'm trying to get in shape like everyone, you know, trying to get in shape. I just want to get a swimmer's body. I don't want to get too big, you know. I think the swimmer's body is the best of the body. Like lean muscle is probably the best. I actually used to have a swimmer's body. It was a while ago. I used to swim competitively

when I lived in my dad's balls. I didn't keep up with it. I retired as champion, as they say. But I was pretty good. Fuck yeah, Matt Mellon, everybody. Hell yeah. Welcome to the show, Matt. This is your first time on Kill Tony, correct?

It is, it is. How long have you been doing stand-up? Well, probably off and on for like 10 years. Off and on? Why so off and on? I had a career when I doing stand-up? Well, probably off and on for like 10 years. Off and on? Why so off and on? I had a career when I started stand-up. I had a little girl, too. I had a mortgage and a daughter.

Wow. That fucking sucks, dude. You had a daughter. What happened to her? Oh, no, I still have a daughter. Oh, okay. She's alive. How old is she now?

She is 10. 10 years old. Red band. Red band. Red band. What was the career that you had 10 years ago? I'm an electrician. I work up in Canada in the oil patch. Oh, a Canadian electrician.

Look at that. Wow. You've been to Calgary, right? Yeah, I've been there numerous times. Yeah, so it's kind of around Calgary. Up Fort McMurray is what it's called. Very cool. Heck yeah, so you're Canadian yourself.

There's a direct flight there from Yellowknife, eh? I don't know. I love that. Oh, wow. Wait a second. That's the king of late night here at the Comedy Store, Don Barris, everybody. Oh, shit. Don Barris, everybody. Oh, shit. Don Barris.

Which one? Oh, I believe he's talking about Ari Shafir. What are you talking about exactly, Don? Yeah. Yeah, it's Ari. It's pretty Ari. Don, why don't you come up here? I got to tell you why.

I got to tell you why. Oh, that's right. The longest running show here. Yeah, the longest running show in LA and the Comedy Store. That's Don Barris, everybody. There he goes. That was it. He's always had a real knack for calling you out, Ari.

That's a real thing that I've noticed. Yeah, he doesn't understand Jews. Yeah. I mean, we all have a lot of questions. Yeah. That is true. My question is, what do you think of Shane Gillis? He got a raw deal.

He got a raw deal. That's great, man. It must be cool out there in the summertime. It must be fucking rad up there. It's pretty cool, man, but I'd rather be here. It's pretty awesome. Yeah. How long are you in town for?

Two more nights. Two more nights. Two more nights. What have you been doing for fun? What does a Canadian electrician do in LA? We showed up this morning. We went to Griffith's Observatory. Griffith? Oh, yeah. The Griffith Observatory. It's not Griffith's Observatory.

These fucking Canadians coming across the border. Going to our... What did you do? Did you point it at something crazy? Fucking Canadians coming across the border. Going to our... Alright. What did you do? Did you point it at something crazy? No, my girlfriend dragged me out to a photo shoot thing I had to do. You know where you pose and you spin around.

It's kind of like ice capades, but... Ari Shafir. I have a question for Tony and Red Band. Yeah. Is this part... Are they supposed to be funny in this part or just answer seriously? No, they're supposed to answer honestly in this part and then we communicate with them. Yeah, we do jokes.

Thanks. But sometimes you get the best of both worlds because sometimes the honest answer is a funny answer and then the whole thing rolls. Matt, what's something interesting about you that we'd be excited to know? A fun fact about Matt Mellon Fun fact about me We actually had a guy

with full-blown AIDS here earlier It was incredible, yeah, you missed it He's got a crazy laugh You hear him over there? That's crazy, he has full HIV Heck yeah, there he is If they point directly at you, you might get it That is how it was transferred, right?

Yeah, exactly. Have you ever met anybody with AIDS before up in Canada? They don't really get it up there at the low temperatures, right? Smallpox is bigger up there. Yeah. Yeah, no, I've never met anyone with AIDS. Low temperatures killed it off. Yeah. Canadians.

Fuck! I liked it. I didn't know where I came from I thought it was quite good Alright we're looking for new PAs on set I didn't see what the whole thing was today He's a PA, director and a sound guy Matt what's the most Canadian thing about you? You ever fuck an igloo or something like that?

No I haven't done that Canadian thing about you? You ever fuck an igloo or something like that? No. I haven't done that. Blackface? Yeah. I really can't remember how often I've been in blackface. Quite a few times.

Quite a few times. You did start your set out apologizing. I did. We say sorry a lot. Canadians say sorry all the time. Quite a few times. You did start your set out apologizing. I did. We say sorry a lot. Canadians say sorry all the time. Sorry. We lead with sorry. Yeah.

And then the second is, here's my black face. That's why we say sorry so often, because we've got so many pictures of black face in our past. There's so many funny Canadians, too. Yeah. Not here. Not, no. No. Jim Carrey. The other guy. The other here. Not, no. No. Jim Carrey.

The other guy. The other guy. Seth Rogen. The one who was the Mike Myers. Wow. So Matt, what is your, you have a wife? I do. I have my wife over here. She's pretty awesome. She's Filipino.

Filipino. Go ahead. She's a Filipino girl. Whoa. Where'd you meet her at? What website? I didn't meet her. She came to Canada to work. She was a temporary foreign worker.

You guys have those here? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's called Everybody. Everybody wants to come here and work. Only Filipinos would go to Canada because it's still better than the Philippines. I joke around and I call her my temporary foreign girlfriend. She doesn't like that. You should call your...

No, it was not going to be good. What does she do? What type of masseuse is she? She actually works for airlines. She's a stewardess. Oh, she fucks. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. I can't say what airline, but it rhymes with...

At least she's not the pilot, right? There you go. I guess because Asians can't drive. Oh, yeah. Oh, right, right, yeah. He grabbed my microphone to tell that joke, for those of you listening to the podcast. I don't...

I have a joke where I say she's my temporary foreign girlfriend. The best thing about having a temporary foreign girlfriend is if you time it right, you don't got to break up with them. Immigration will do it for you. Wow. My goodness. And how does that go over?

It kills up in Canada. It does well. It does well. I'm not a dick. I drive her to the airport, right? Right, right, right. I take her right over to departures, and then when she left,

I'd step over to arrivals to meet my next temporary foreign girlfriend. Oh, my goodness. That really is a joke that you did. Yeah, the tags really made it. I thought it was over. To that joke, I say bamboo. My goodness.

Matt, anything else about you when you're not doing electricity up in Canada? Is that bad for the environment, what you do? Yeah, oil and gas, they say, is bad. Have you seen this spoiled Swedish girl, Greta Thunberg

on TV today? What do you think about this dumb bitch? What? Who is she? You haven't seen this girl? What are you doing to our environment? Fucking boohoo. Stupid shit. They're trolling her along some big, probably fucking huge companies, probably paying her parents

a bunch of money. Yeah, it's all bullshit. I don't know. I think she's pretty hot. She's 16. She's right in your range, Mark. I love it. Wow. You ever get electrocuted doing your job? Yeah, I've been zapped a couple times. Oh, wow. Shocking.

Shocking. What kills the most electricians? What did you say? What kills them? Yeah. Drugs, probably. Yeah, yeah. You do drugs? No, no, would you say? What kills them? Yeah. Drugs, probably. Drugs, yeah, yeah. You do drugs? No, no, I don't.

Not at all? No. I sell meth, though. Oh, I see what you did there. That's a wacky Canadian joke you just did there. We've talked about meth earlier. That's like a weird callback. Well, Matt.

Matt Mellon. You're part of the Mellon family. I am, yeah. How do you guys get that name? Do you know? It's Irish. I don't know. What did your parents do? My mom's a nurse.

My dad's an electrician. Oh, that's electrician music right there. Do you want your daughter going into comedy? She's super funny already. I think she has the comedy book. Yeah, what's the funniest thing about her? What has she done that's funny? What does she do that's funny? She wrote me a birthday card. My birthday was yesterday.

I came to LA just for a birthday trip. My girlfriend actually brought me down because she's a stewardess. That was her birthday gift was to bring me down. My daughter wrote me a card. She said, you have been alive 42 years. That's 42

years of farts. Oh, that is. That's funnier than anything you set up here today. That's pretty impressive. I like the wheelchair joke. Yeah, no, the wheelchair joke was great. And then nothing else, ironically, had legs after that. Yeah, that joke had legs.

If I were your girlfriend, just to say I had the same sense of humor, I would train the kid to write on the card, Daddy, I want to commit an abortion. Okay. Some of the letters would be backwards, and she'd be thinking abortion was about herself so it would be suicide but just in a different way

that's meta that's crazy meta but don't do it have that card and maybe some blood on it that's Ari Shafir ladies and gentlemen does she speak English? yeah very well.

Oh, shit. That's cool. No, she lived in Singapore for 10 years. How long does she sucky? Good question. How long does she sucky? About 8 inches, I'd say. Wow, look at that. This guy's got a fucking...

Alright, she's blowing the pilots. Alright, everybody. There the pilots. Shit. All right, everybody. There he goes. Matt Mellon, everyone. Ari Shafir joined us last minute. Here comes the drawing from Ryan J. Ebald. How about another hand for the great Mark Norman, everybody?

Tuesdays with stories with his pal Joe List. MarkNormanComedy.com. Get tickets to see him in Addison, Austin. He's going to be at Cap City. So much fun. We love you, Mark Norman. Ari, is there anything you want to plug or promote? What's going on?

You've got a lot of tour dates coming up. I'm at Brea this weekend and then Texas. Brea, then Texas. So, yeah, we're in Texas at the same time. We should hang out next Thursday. We're in Dallas and you're in Dallas, too. Oh, shit. Yeah, just Thursday. Maybe stay an extra day or too. Oh, shit. Yeah, just Thursday.

Maybe stay an extra day or two. Oh, okay. Got to go to Houston. Not for the recording. One more time for Ari Shaffir and Mark Norman, everybody. How about one more time for the great director, Kent Willow, a.k.a. Jeremiah Watkins, everyone. New episodes of Jeremiah Wonders Out with Mark Norman.

And who else, Jeremiah? What else is going on? Moshe Kesher is the guest this week. Yeah. Oh, my God. Please stop doing that. It's just $10 every fucking time. I don't know how you got those.

Jesus Christ. Thank you, Ari Shaffir, for that Kill Tony Band calendar plug. And also, December 6th, San Diego, the Kill Tony Band will be with William Montgomery at the Comedy Pals. Thanks so much. Love you guys. There you go. Chroma Chris was here tonight.

He was Dennis on sound. Chroma, what did you think about tonight's episode? It's a wrap, Tony. Boom, it's a wrap. Very good. How about one more time for the great Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody. Joel's on social media, mostly. Sorry. Anything else, Joel?

Nope, love you guys. Get the new Kill Tony the book. It's available now. RyanJEbelt.com and thank you so much, live audience, for coming out. Red Band, see you guys. Thanks. Have a great night, everybody.

Thank you. Braves all up. We're going to take a picture real quick. We're going to be right down the middle. All right. Yeah. We're going to take a picture. Yeah.

We're going to take a picture. Yeah.チャンネル登録よろしくお願いします