KILL TONY - KILL TONY #395

Episode Date: October 3, 2019

Ryan Sickler, Trevor Wallace, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 09/23/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping! Promo code searching! It takes skill! Speed! Sweat! Unless we're talking Kudo's new phone, internet, and streaming bundle. With the Happy Stack, you can sit back and stack up the savings on Kudo Internet,

a sweet phone plan, Netflix, Disney Plus, and Amazon Prime. All starting at just $99 a month. Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack. All starting at just $99 a month. Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack. Only at CUDO. Conditions apply. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling. Winning.

Which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling. Winning. In an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario.

Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Ooh, French lavender soy blend candle. I told you HomeSense has good gift options. Hmm, well, I don't know. Mom's going to love it. She'll take one sniff and be transported to that anniversary trip you took to San Tropez a few years ago.

Forget it. She complained about her sunburn the whole trip. It's only $14. $14? Now that's a vacation I can get behind. Deal so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website,

DeathSquad.TV. There you have every past episode. But if you click on Tour Dates, you can see where we're at next. October 3rd, we're in Dallas, Texas, but it's sold out. So we added a new show. October 5th, we are in now Dallas, Texas also. October 16th and 17th, we're in Sacramento, California.

And then we have Kill Tony Mania, October 18th and 19th in San Francisco, California. October 25th, we're in Australia, Brisbane. October 26th, we're in Melbourne, Brisbane. October 26th, we're in Melbourne, Australia. October 27th, Sydney, Australia. And then November 7th, we are in Washington, D.C. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his tour dates for his stand-up comedy and a bunch of other stuff.

So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. His book is now available for pre-order. It has every single episode he's ever drawn in one huge book. Check out RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. Get some Death Squad hats, mugs, shirts, and even some Kill Tony stuff.

Go to shopsquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is GrandV Van coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock. Fuck yeah, everybody. We're here. Make some noise.

Come on. What's happening? Brian Red Van is here. Make some noise. Come on. It's happening. Brian Redband is here. Hi. The great Ryan J. Ebelt is sitting right there, already beginning his drawing of tonight's episode. He draws every episode and all the crazy posters that follow us all around the world. All of those prints are available at ryanjebelt.com,

including the brand new Kill Tony the book, the book that has every print that's ever happened since the beginning of this show. Ryan's been drawing it all, so get that at ryanjebelt.com. It's good to be here on a beautiful Monday. We had the weekend off of the road. We were in town, but it changes all this week.

We go to Dallas, Texas, where we just added a second Kill Tony show to the one that already sold out. That's going to be this Saturday. And four stand-up shows following that in Dallas this weekend. And then we go to Sacramento the 16th and 17th, but those shows are sold out. And Kill Tony Mania in San Francisco, October 18th and 19th. A few tickets still available there.

And then Australia, Brisbane, Melbourne, and Sydney. For the first time ever, three gigantic Kill Tony episodes live from Australia. November 7th, Washington, D.C. And that also has four huge stand-up shows where I headline, and you get to see all your favorite Kill Tony cast members do stand-up comedy before me. We're also here every single Monday at the Comedy Store. We return every single week, even Australia. We fly out Tuesday morning.

We come back Monday morning. We are here for you. Comedians, how are you guys feeling tonight? Good? Who's ready? This bucket is packed tight tonight. Next week, a fun fact for you massive Kill Tony fans. We have an amazing lineup of guests.

I'm just going to spill the beans right here. It's the great Luis J. Gomez and the Count Michael Bisping, ladies and gentlemen. UFC heavyweight. Well, actually, light heavyweight. Middleweight. That's what I meant, middleweight champion of the world. Don't want to mess that up he might beat the shit out of me.

The Kill Tony the Band calendar is available now and they are also doing their own stand-up comedy show at the San Diego Comedy Palace December 6th. So here we go. This is very exciting stuff. We are doing the road a lot. It's exhausting out stuff. We are doing the road a lot.

It's exhausting out there. We're getting older. Did you know that 66% of men lose their hair by age 35? That's the age that I am right now, 66% of men. Once you've noticed thinning hair, it can be too late. Thank goodness for 4hims.com, a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. Yeah, it's great. They have shampoos.

They have all this stuff. You get this kit. You don't even have to go to – like a lot of times, all these medicines for men. Yeah, it's great. They have shampoos. They have all this stuff. You get this kit. You don't even have to go to, like a lot of times, all these medicines, you have to go to a doctor, wait in the waiting room and all that stuff. Now you just answer a couple questions online and you get real prescription medicine and shampoo. It's great. I've been putting it on my beard, as you can tell, the last couple weeks.

That thing is looking thicker than Aphrodite. She even here. Is she even here? Am I right here? Oh, wow. Look at that. That's a weird joke if she's not here. But for HIMS is the coolest thing in the world. You just answer a few quick questions, a doctor reviews, a real doctor,

and then they ship it directly to your door. Get the hair loss treatment everyone's talking about, GQ, Men's Health, Esquire, Playboy, just to name a few. And you can order it now. Our listeners can get started with the HIMS Complete Hair Kit for just $5 today, right now, while supplies last. See website for full details and safety information. This could cost hundreds if you went to the doctor or a pharmacy. Instead, go to forhims.com slash killtony. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash killtony, forhims.com slash killtony.

Yes, indeed. Do it. Get it done. It's a really big deal. Life is a big deal. Working is a big deal. And then sometimes you dream big, you get your own company, right? And hiring can be a slow process.

Hiring can be a slow process. Cafe Altura's COO, for example, Dylan Miskiewicz, needed to hire a director of coffee for his organic coffee company, but he was having trouble finding qualified applicants. So he switched to ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter doesn't depend on candidates finding you. It finds them for you. Its technology identifies people with the right experience, invites them to apply to your job, so you get qualified candidates fast. Dylan posted his job on ZipRecruiter and he said he was

so impressed by how quickly he had a great candidate apply. He also used ZipRecruiter's candidate rating feature to filter his application so he could focus on the most relevant ones. And that's how Dylan found his new director of coffee in just a few days. With results like that, it's no wonder four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. See why ZipRecruiter is effective for businesses of all sizes. Try ZipRecruiter for free at our web address, ziprecruiter.com slash killtony. That's ziprecruiter.com slash k-i-l-l-t-o-n-y.

ZipRecruiter.com slash killtony. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. one live podcast in the world. And every single week, we have two of the funniest comedians on this show. And this week, of course, is no different. It's both of their first times as guests on this show, which is always so exciting to get awesome, new, hilarious faces in here. Well, not that their faces are hilarious, but you know, their personalities and whatnot. This week,

just an amazing show. Put your hands together for them, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Ryan Sickler and Trevor Wallace. Here we go. Hey. Trevor Wallace. Ryan Sickler. This is exciting.

Trevor Wallace has a podcast, Stiff Socks. You're touring all over TrevorWallaceComedy.com. This is your first time on Kill Tony. Are you excited? I'm stoked, man. This is fun. I get to see all my friends bomb tonight.

So, hell yeah. Yeah. And the great Ryan Sickler is here, ladies and gentlemen. The Honeydew Podcast. I just did it a few days ago. And, boy, did we have some fun. At your expense. You really got me to spill the beans.

I'll just say it. If you guys have been listening, if you guys are a real Kill Tony fan and you have any interest in my life story, I talked about a bunch of fucking shit on Honey Doody. I spilled my entire... Yes, yes, that's exactly it. I did talk about...

I talked about my mafioso upbringing, believe it or not. People always laugh at that. They think it'sioso upbringing, believe it or not. People always laugh at that. They think it's a joke. But it's real. And my crazy bastard youth. You called yourself a super bastard. I was.

I was a fucking super duper bastard. I will tell you, I couldn't believe sitting listening to his story. Basically, can I say just in a nutshell? His dad lived like eight blocks away the whole time. Yeah. The whole time. The whole time. He put it together because he would pass by on the bus route and say,

Hey, Mom, why the fuck's dad's car at that house all the time? I'm the one that found out that my dad lived eight blocks away. Gotta listen to the Honeydew podcast. It's a crazy fucking thing. It's terribly sad. It really is. There's a lot of high moments and low moments. I will say, spoiler alert, Ryan makes me laugh so hard that I'm afraid.

It's so funny, one part of the show, that I'm afraid my mom, who stalks me and listens to everything that I do, she's 72, I'm afraid she might have a stroke when she hears this one part of the show. We'll do a part two if she does. Heck yeah, I love it.

So we have you guys here, and it's your first time so you might not know this, gentlemen, but there is a band on this show. Everyone loves them. They're one of the most beloved things anywhere in comedy. They're my favorite, some of my favorite funny

human beings. Let's see what happens tonight. Every single week they commit to being different characters. I never know what they're gonna be. Sometimes it's a brand new character. Sometimes it's the return of some of their famous characters. Let's find out what they are tonight. It's the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Burke, Joel Jimenez,

and Chroma Chris. Oh, boy. Whoa. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. So dumb Unbelievably stupid

Wow We've seen these characters before This is a Very very special I knew you came in with extra swagger tonight Jeremiah Now it all makes sense Because he knows that I hate these characters These are the puppeteers Ladies and gentlemen of all time in the history of the show.

These are my second least favorite characters. We had an hour conversation on the way home from Vegas all about how much Tony hated these characters. Yeah, it's unbelievable. I believe the quote was, never again. Yeah, they just get so much joy out of fucking with me. You would think that they would respect the person that gives them a creative forum to shine on. But no, instead it's backstabbery. The characters, by the way, it makes the band, if you're wondering why they're so horrible.

It's because there's basically seven band members now that can interrupt the show at any point. Listen, Tony, I respect you. I don't. Okay, okay. All right, I'm all ready. Get ready to cut those microphones at any given point. The captain is in control of this ship. So we have the puppeteers.

Clearly, what's your name again, lead puppeteer? My name is Gerald Felt. Gerald Felt. Very good. And next to you, who do we got there? What is that? Hillary Clinton over there? What is that? Hey, Tony, my name is Stan Dusky. I do specialize in all children's parties.

Wow. Birthday parties, bar mitzvahs. Stan Dusky. And then clearly back here, wow, we have what is this, the Geico caveman? Oh my god. The name's Vin, Tony. Ventriloquy. Ventriloquy, wow.

Hey, I'm Caesar, fool. Oh, wow. My name's Caesar, dog. What's up, man? I'm a puppet, homie. I can't believe one of your puppets talks in your normal voice, wow. My name's Caesar, dog. What's up, man? My goodness. I'm a puppet, homie. I can't believe one of your puppets talks in your normal voice, Joel. That's incredible. So we have the puppeteers. Art imitates life, Tony.

There you go. We have the puppeteers. We have Sickler. We have Trevor Wallace. We have Brian's big crazy soundboard. We have the thousands watching live on YouTube right now, which brings me to this, the bucket of destiny, everyone, what the show's really all about.

Over a hundred comedians signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket today. They're all over there, and if I pull your name out, you should know how it works. You get 60 seconds uninterrupted to do stand-up comedy on this stage. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it

up then, or else you're going to bring out the West Hollywood bear. And then I interview you. I talk about you, about your life, and we figure out more stuff about what makes you different and special. Are you guys ready to start this show? Guys, it's Monday night. Most people are watching some horrible football game right now. You're at the world famous comedy store at the number one live podcast in the world. Are you guys ready to start this fucking show? There we go. Good enough for me.

And the show will begin with 60 seconds uninterrupted by a man that goes by the name of Jose Raymond. Here we go. Here comes Jose. Live at the Comedy Store. One more time for Jose, everybody. Hey, what up, Hollywood? How you doing? Good? Good, man. I'm good, too. I'm alright now as an adult because I grew up in a rough neighborhood here in L.A. called Watts. You guys familiar with this place?

And like everybody, don't yell, motherfuckers. Not Disneyland. It's fucking Watts. It was rough. Number one rule of my parents was stay in the fucking house. Because the outside was dangerous. So what I used to always do is watch TV. And growing up, I used to really believe and think

that Latinos and black people were the only criminals. Because that's all I saw on TV. That's all I saw in my neighborhood. And I'm watching on TV, and I used to think that white people were fucking amazing. Like, white people had no problems. Because what am I watching on TV, and I used to think that white people were fucking amazing. Like, white people had no problems. Because what am I watching on TV? Full House?

Seven Heaven? Not the comedy. I got to travel the country a little bit, and I realized that white people, you guys are fucked up, too. Fucking liars. There's poor white people. Like, I didn't know that white people had projects. You motherfuckers got projects that just call trailer parks. Only difference between white people projects and our projects is that you guys can move your shit when the rent is due. That's the only difference. That's my name, guys.

Fuck yeah. That's it. You did it. Jose Raymond. I like your style. Look at you. Right into the perfect position. You know exactly how this shit works.

Exactly. We right here, even. Have you been on this show before, Jose? No, sir. I was called once when I wasn't here. I don't know who the fuck put my name in the bucket. Oh, man. Hell yeah. Well, welcome, welcome, dude.

Thank you for having me. You are a real Latino from Los Angeles. 100%. Oh, I can tell. 100%. That's the whole point. Indeed. Absolutely.

I mean, you look like you came out of the womb in a Dodgers jersey. No Dodgers. I love this fool. No Dodgers. That was me saying that you came out with the KKK uniform, but that's not the same thing. KKK uniform? I mean, the first thing they do is wrap you in a white sheet. So, I mean, it's pretty much on my rider.

They knew your color, huh? Hell yeah. I like your style, dude. is wrap you in a white sheet. Exactly. It's pretty much on my rider. Hell yeah. I like your style, dude. I can't tell whether you're 23 or 54. Pick a number. I'm whatever you want to be. Pick a number. What are you, a magician? Come to Watts, you might disappear, motherfucker. That's okay. I won't go to Watts.

Exactly. Learn this shit. Is there a freeway that goes through there? No, don't go there. The blue line goes through there, though. Wow. I like your style, man. You have some real fucking tats on your arms. Have you ever been to prison? Never.

Do you ever get arrested? Never. Never? Nothing? Not even a public urination? What happened? I got moved from the hood. When I was 17, I got moved to Hawaii To the island of Maui, you familiar? Wow, hell yeah, I know, I've heard of Hawaii, yes Yeah?

So you're Hawaiian, dude I don't know, I don't want to judge you by being white I don't know if you got money or not I don't know if you're from the hood or not Jesus, man, first of all If you listen to the Honeydew podcast You would know, yes, I am from the hood. And I was raised surprisingly poor.

It turns out that the mafia in the early 90s wasn't as profitable as it sometimes appears on TV. So, yeah, man. I'm just like you, Jose. Let's fucking go get in some trouble or something. Let's do it, man. Let's do some shows. Let's like you, Jose. Let's fucking go do something, get in some trouble or something. Let's do it, man. Nah, let's do some shows. Let's talk about some shows. Let's do that. You want to do shows together? Yeah, I'll be in Oakland on October 19th. I know you said something

earlier that you're in the Bay, San Francisco. October 19th. Let's see. So let's talk about some money. Fuck, it's trouble. Let's talk about... Nah, nothing's gonna pay. Yeah, you should definitely swing by. I'll wear my Dodgers jersey. You down? What do you mean?

You're going to go shirtless? I don't know. Because I don't know you, but I don't know. Are you gay or not? I don't know. I don't know. Jesus. Normally when people ask me.

Are you tired of seeing this motherfucker naked in the back? You want to see another Mexican? You're welcome. Beto in the crowd right now. You don't remember Beto? I've never got hit on this hard during an episode of this show. Yo, you gay or not, because I will make you gay right fucking now. We aim to please, dog. Hell yeah, dude.

Aloha, fucker. Welcome to Hawaii, puto. It's aloha, dog. It's dog. It's dog. We grew up in Watts. Remember that. Nice to lay. Nice to lay Watts. This's Aloha Dog. It's Dog. It's Dog. We grew up in Watts. Remember that. Nice LA.

Nice LA Watts. This guy wants to get all the fucking Honolulu. Rape Street, homie. Aloha Dog. You ever said Dog before? See what? Dog the Bounty Hunter? Oh, not that much.

My God. What do you guys think about this guy? This is Trevor Wallace and Ryan Sickler's first time on the show. You ever seen him? What's up, Trevor? What's up? Dude, you're like, you're funny as fuck and you're dope, but you already got booked. Then you're like, yo, are you gay?

It's like, yo, you already got booked. I gotta know who the fuck I'm gonna do shows with. I didn't even get a show out of this, you know? And you're like, are you gay, bro? Can't lie, man. I'm straight up. What can I tell you? Hell yeah.

Straight up. What's up? Are you still asking me? You want an answer? I was waiting for the show. That's what I'm waiting for. You're genuinely curious? Not about the gay shit, man. I don't give a fuck. I feel like a little bit about the gay shit. A little bit,'re genuinely curious? It's not about the gay shit, man.

I feel like a little bit about the gay shit. A little bit, like. I feel like a lot about the gay shit. Yeah, you should sign up for any one of those Keltonis. You can come to Sacramento. You can come to San Francisco. The comedians just hang out in the lobby and wait to see if their name gets pulled out. Cool, man. I'll be right there.

It's probably like, you know, there's probably like a fucking hundred comedians in a room. You know what I mean? So it's probably a lot like your childhood where you grew up. You know what I mean? A bunch of people slammed into a room sweating. Not like that, motherfucker. Ryan Sickler, what do you think about this guy?

What's up, Ryan? I think you were really good. Thank you, man. I really do. I thought you were good. You have some stage presence. You had confidence about yourself. You're a little overconfident about Watts. You misjudge. Thank you, man. I really do. I thought you were good. You have some stage presence. You had confidence about yourself. You're a little overconfident about Watts.

You misjudge it. I'm from Baltimore. Watts doesn't scare me one fucking bit. I wasn't trying to scare you, motherfucker. I'm just letting you know. Know your audience. And know your audience. I don't pander.

That's the one thing I'm not going to do. I'll be me. No, I'm not talking about. See, that's the difference between pandering to an audience and knowing your audience are two completely different things. You'll learn that as you go, but you finished really strong, and you knew when to get off, and you nailed it. I think you did a great job.

Thank you. Appreciate it. Fuck yeah. Look at that. How about the... What do you got back there? I got an honest question. What was it like being the only cholo with a surfboard? It was crazy because I didn't have a leash. I didn't know about the leash part. Only on your pitbull, right?

Yeah, I didn't know that. I didn't know that until I did. So how long did you spend in Hawaii? Nine years, man. Nine years. And then how long have you been out here? 2014. Wow.

What do you do for work? Comedy now. I'm trying to do it full time. You do this full time? Yeah, I'm trying to. Come on, man. What the fuck else do you do? How do you do it full time? Trying to get more than a minute on stage. Hopefully next time. Just trying to work at it, man. I'll be headlining the

Ventura Harbor Comedy Club November 15th. Oh, cool. There you go. There's a little plug. There you go. Absolutely.. There's a little plug. There you go. Absolutely. I like your style, man. You definitely have a real job that you just don't want to tell us about, right? No, I'm really trying to do comedy full time.

I just got back from St. Louis yesterday. Yeah, but how long have you been doing this? For a couple days? Eight years now. Eight years you haven't had a job. You've been relying on comedy. No, no. You're talking about full time?

Trying to do this for the last six months. How about part time jobs? What do you do? Everything. Everything. Oh, everything. So you've been relying on comedy. No, no. You're talking about full-time, trying to do this the last six months. How about part-time jobs? What do you do? Everything. Oh, everything. So you have a lot of jobs. No. Yeah, one of those. I'll see you at work, motherfucker. Don't be late.

No Tony don't pay your ass, so we good. My goodness. Anything else crazy we should know about you, Jose? Nah, man. Just hit me up on Instagram. I'm really trying to do stand-up comedy for real. What's your Instagram? At Jose Raymond Comedian. What are you on Instagram?

At Jose Raymond Comedian. What is that? At Jose Raymond Comedian. Okay, gotcha. At Jose Raymond Comedian. Well, then there he goes. It's started the show. Jose Raymond, everybody. You got to meet him right here.

You got to meet him right here That guy wants to butt fuck me Yeah No doubt about it Yo Holmes you fucking gay or what dude I want to fucking eat your butt dude You ever had your shit pushed in Yo I've never been to prison But I'll fucking take you to the yard

Give me chon-chon. Okay. Your next comedian. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Goes to Tyson Pfeiffer, everyone. Tyson Pfeiffer. Back corner. Here we go.

The lucky corner. Wow. Here we go. Here he is. Wow. Here we go. Here he is. One more time for Tyson Pfeiffer, everyone.

What's up, guys? Tyson Pfeiffer. What's up, guys? Can we just get rid of the photo filters? Are you with me? Can we get rid of photo filters? No? A few people?

Five people with me? We don't need them. There's no reason, if you're an adult, to ever be disguised as a baby deer. Not even if you have a weird hunter fetish. You don't need them. Photo filters are just Spanx for your face. Not enough laughing here. Too many people wearing Spanx.

It's okay. I hate the photo filters, but I love the Spanx. Spanx are great. Any Spanx women here tonight? Spanx women are amazing. They are, because they know they have a secret, and they can't wait to reveal it to you. Recently went on a date with a Spanx

girl right away. She started talking that trash. She was like, you ever been with a curvy girl? Can you handle all these curves? And I was into it. I let her drive, because I'm into the kidnapping fantasy. Let it... Alright. Let it. All right. Slow response.

It's good. Try it. Don't knock it to you. Try it. Went back to her place. I'll end it. You guys have been great. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Well, then what happened? Awkward dismount. Very awkward dismount. You went back to her place, and then what happened? Let's hear it. went back to her place And then what happened? Let's hear it Went back to her place Had a great time Started making out

I passed out Middle of the night I wake up I had kind of like A wet spot on my chest Right? And I look up And she's like above me

She's just working it She's just You know She's just double DJing it You know Right? And I wake up Open my eyes And this girl is Japanese I'm like Oh shit She's giving me DJ in it. And I wake up, open my eyes, and this girl is Japanese.

I'm like, oh shit, she's giving me a Pearl Harbor necklace. Whoa, whoa. Don't finish it. Don't finish it. Okay, okay. Don't finish it. I did the extremely short version because I didn't want to steal time. You did an extremely short version?

Yeah, there's a little more tags on that shit. Really? You were generous. Let me finish it. So I kind of half-assed it. Give it up for Plain Cook. Jolberg has arrived. There he goes.

He's on fire, ladies and gentlemen. He's rubbing his cock, everyone. Wow, that was impressive. This is interesting. This is the first time we've ever had Anthony Jeselnik's elbow on the show. This is real fun stuff. So Tyson Pfeiffer, where are you from? Dallas, Texas. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost 11 years. Wow, 11 years. My goodness, that's a long time. It is. How long have you been in L.A.? Full time, almost three. Full time, almost three years.

I came out, did the fake move, hung out here for a month or so at a time, and then went back to Texas. Uh-huh. Gotcha. And what do you do for work? I do stand-up full time and acting, commercials. Oh, really? Yeah. Any acting or commercials that we'd recognize you from? Anything like that? Like a Lexapro commercial or something like that? No. Maybe NFL season.

Do you guys remember that Brett Favre commercial, the Bose commercial, where you walked in, put the headphones in, and the crowd would disappear? Yeah. Yeah, I was one of the people in the crowd that would disappear. One of the thousands of people. No, it wasn't thousands. It wasn't an all-black crowd, so I do stand out a little bit. Just because it was Soldier Field?

Whoa, Tyson. My goodness. That's a deep reference. Deep cut, yeah, for no football fans. Hell yeah. Is that true, the story that you said about the Asian girl finger-banging herself over you? It's part true, part exaggerated. Right.

What's the true version? I just had a crazy date with this amazing Japanese girl and I just kind of exaggerated. So amazing that you fell asleep while making out with her? No, like I said, I knew I was out of time so I shortened the joke

to try and get to that quick punchline for you guys. I'm not talking about the joke. I'm talking about real life here, Tyson. Oh, no. So where did you meet this girl? Like normal people, online. Oh. Yeah.

Uh-huh. Did she have an Asian screen name or anything like that? No, she didn't. No. No. She didn't. So you meet the girl. What did you guys end up doing?

Did you go to eat or something? We just went out for... Okay, Brian, relax. She's practicing his violin. This guy's playing the fucking Asian flute over here. All right, all right, all right. So how does this date start? I always like to get details.

I want to know how normal people date. We started talking on the app, and then we moved to texting. And then it gets, you know, naughty, you know, the eggplant emoji and all that good stuff. Whoa. My goodness. Uh-huh. Oh, boy. And then what happens?

So you meet her and. No, I let her pick me up. Do me a favor. Take half a step. Oh, sorry. That's all you got to do. You're right there. Sorry about that. Wait, you let her drive? Over the X. Yeah, I let her pick me up. Do me a favor. Take half a step out. Oh, sorry. That's all you got to do. You're right there. Perfect.

Wait, you let her drive? Yeah, I let her. I told you I'm into the fantasy. So then what? We went out. We had a good time. Where did you go out to? We went to her place.

Just to a bar in Dallas. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, this is a Dallas. Dallas Asian. Spends a lot of time in that book depository. You guys are going to be there soon.

We're going to be there this weekend doing crazy sold out shows. It's going to be so much fun. Give you her number. Oh yeah, we love sloppy seconds. Hell yeah. Brian does. Yeah. He's a human trash can. Hell yeah. Brian does. Yeah. He's a human trash can.

He's a human trash can. So is that the most recent time that you made love to a woman, Tyson? Not the most recent time, no. Yeah. Nice. Nice. It's confirmed. You hook up with a lot of chicks?

I can, yeah. Whoa. Welcome to another episode of Douchey Answers with your host, Tyson Pfeiffer. Why does this guy look like a less successful version of Trevor Wallace? I can see that. You're like his brother that fell out of the carriage

as a kid or something like that. I'm just going to shorten up this joke real quick. All right. Hey, yeah. 60 seconds is tough. It's tough. It is. And I had totally not expected to get called at all.

I was like, yeah. No one ever does. I know. That's why when somebody crushes up here, you got to give them respect. They kill it. It's tough. Absolutely. It really is.

And we never know who's coming out of the bucket either. So all of the things that we come up with are all in the moment. Just think about that. It's crazy. All these laughs that you see us getting in between. None of it's like something I haven't mentioned in six and a half years of doing this show. But you brought it out of me, Tyson. Good.

You made me... Good. You made me give that little shout-out to us. This is my second time here. Oh, really? What happened the first time? Oh, first time I ate shit. It was not good. Oh, wow. Red Band might remember, I'm the first comedian ever on American Ninja Warrior. Remember, you looked me up? Oh, yeah. You were on Ninja Warrior?

Yeah, I'm the first comedian ever to compete on American Ninja Warrior. Did you wear normal clothes? Like sometimes they have people that wear normal clothes. I did. I wore red pants and a T-shirt that said, Oh, my God, Becky. And it was freezing that night in a beanie. And then I went as a character my second season on the show.

They're like, this is the first ever comedian in Ninja Warrior. You're just going to have to take our word for it. Comedian. Ninja Warrior. You're just going to have to take our word for it. Comedian. Trout shows. He's a comedian, folks. Comedian was in quotations. What did you guys think about Tice and Ryan Traver? Any advice or acknowledgements or anything?

It's hard to give someone advice about how to do comedy because I think it is so subjective. But I will say this. When he asked you if that story was true, the answer to that is yes. The answer to that is yes. You told us it was. You just had us all believe it was,

and then you said, nah. That's true. You're right. So the answer to that is yes. Now, I just want to get this straight. You did not wake up with a Japanese girl masturbating over top of you? That didn't happen? Not 100%. That's an exaggeration.

What's 100% mean? What percentage of the... Did she get you 30%? She was fucking my roommate, so... It was like... It's like 50% my room, 50% her room. I watched my roommate fuck her, so 28%. 28%.

It was actually just reversed. He was just jacking off on top of her. Whoa, Chroma Chris over there. My goodness, Stan Dusky coming in hot. Wow. Did she say anything when you woke up and she was squirting on you?

Wax on, wax off. She was a big Karate Kid fan. You like a morning tsunami? Something like that. Oh, oh, oh. He did an Asian accent. Oh.

Oh. Oh, everybody's fired. He woke up and he's like, oh, I drank the roofie. Shit. Oh, man. She found my stash. What's your favorite kind of girl to hook up with? Asian girls.

I was going to say. Sleeping. Dude, American ninja warrior, Japanese girl. I felt there was a fucking theme. I was going to ask you in the Asian chicks. I drive a Honda. Just keep it real. I mean, come on.

You're all Far East, bro. You're all Far East. I love it, man. I like your style. Why do you think it is that you're drawn to Asian women so much? What do you think? What happened to you drawn to Asian women so much? What do you think that is? What happened to you in your childhood? What happened to me?

Like it's trauma? I'm just curious. What do you think it is? Why do you think you're drawn to Asian women? I just think they're beautiful. Just like the way they look. Small, petite. Can pick them up.

Take them wherever I want. Oh, so it's just really. You didn't think about that. You've tried it. Have you ever thought about just going to the gym and hooking up with a white woman? You know what I mean? I can pick them up. I can throw them around.

You know what I mean? I'm just barely strong enough to be able to. Only Asian women. Or having a kid. You know, you could have a kid and do the same fucking thing, too. That's true. That's true. You could carry both of them around.

But you can't have sex with a kid. No, you cannot. No, you cannot. No, you cannot. No, you cannot. How many times do I have to tell you? Don't act like... Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise one more time for Tyson Pfeiffer, everybody. Thank you, guys. Thank you. He's on social media at Tyson

the comic. He touched me. He fucking touched me. He fucking touched me. He fucking touched me. Guy does it 11 years. He thinks he can just go around touching whoever he wants. Oh, thanks, Tony. Touch, touch.

Make some noise for your next. You guys having fun out there? All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Ryan Clement. Let's see what happens here. Ryan Clement. Won't you please step back from

Won't you please step back from that ledge Oh, won't you please step back One more time for Ryan Clement, everyone. Thanks a lot. How you guys doing? Doing pretty good? So when I was 12, I learned how to masturbate.

Oh, God. You did it so much earlier, right? Okay. But, yeah, the only problem was that I didn't know what to do with it. You know, how do I dispose of this, you know, magical substance? So, like a brilliant 12-year-old, I just picked a corner of my room. It was the most dim-lit, sexy corner, you know, and I just kind of made it happen there.

Always. For like four months straight. And so, long story short, I come home from school one day. And my mom, she was a good mom, nice lady, very Christian. Loved to clean my room when I was gone, you know. So I come home, walk up the stairs. My mom is in the magic corner, and she's got some cleaning supplies,

and she's just kind of cleaning away. And she says, Ryan, if you spill orange juice, I don't give a shit. Just clean it up afterwards. All right. I like that. It's sort of like the Kill Bill 1 of comedy sets. I feel like we didn't really get any closure there at the end.

It's just sort of like, then what happened? Orange juice. Yeah. That's what she said, literally. Was she tasting the cum on the ground? That's always a good move. If you ever have a dirty cum corner, just pour some orange juice all over it

and really throw your mom off when she leans down to smell it. It's a fun fact for you young listeners out there. Yeah, it'll have extra pulp. Yeah, yes it will. So, Ryan, this is your first time on the show. I would remember that fucking Unabomber head If I've seen it

You look like a sketch of everything dangerous I've never seen this episode of Survivorman Yeah, it's incredible I think you look like Brawny's boy Yeah You know Brawny's son? I don't know You don't know Brawny the paper towel?

You look like his boy Ain't that Brawny's boy towel? You look like his boy. Ain't that Brawny's boy? That's Brawny's boy. There you go. This guy does not use paper towels. He jerks off in the corner of the room. My bad.

My bad. My goodness. I can't even imagine by the look of your face and hair how much pubic hair you must have, Ryan. Is it like a record amount of pubic hair? It's enough. Yeah. Have you ever trimmed much pubic hair you must have, Ryan? Is it like a record amount of pubic hair? It's enough. Yeah. Have you ever trimmed your pubic hair? Yeah. Oh, you have? Yeah. Wow. All right. Very good. So welcome to the show, Ryan. Thank you. How long you been doing stand-up? About 18 seconds or 60. That's your first set? 60, yeah. That's your first set? Yeah. Wow. Congratulations. This first time ever on stage. Thank you. At the Comedy Store on Kill Tony, coming in the corner.

That's going to be the name of your first special. My goodness. You already look like you've been doing it a long time. You look like Will Forte's younger brother, like Will Thurte or something like that. So congratulations. How old are you? 35. 35. 35.

Uh-huh. And so this is something you've always wanted to do? My girlfriend just put my name in the bucket. Really? Wow. That's so interesting. Did you start doing this? Me and a friend love coming here.

Yeah. We just were like, every time we're just like, fuck it. And then this backstabbing girlfriend of yours decided to really spice things up a little bit. But you had that prepared in your head. Well, the first time I came here, I was like 60 seconds. I started writing a little bit. And I was like, this is impossible to do anything in 60 seconds. As I proved, I think.

Now, it's possible. It happens a lot. Except to come in a corner, huh? Hey! Thank you. It's possible. Maybe not for you. Maybe not tonight, your first time Thank you. It's possible. Maybe not for you, maybe not tonight,

your first time, but it's definitely possible. So what have you been doing in your life all the way up until this point? You're 35. We're gonna marijuana grow. Shut up. I don't believe you. Did you get that job after Game of Thrones wrapped or what the fuck? Yeah.

Yeah. I got killed off. It looks like you weren't born in an amniotic sack, but a hacky sack. Wow. It's been a long time since we've had a good amniotic sack joke on the show. Gus is learned, even though he just looks like a simple bumpkin. Wow, that's incredible. So, wow, how long have you been working in the weed business, Ryan? Like five years.

Five years. How long have you been dating this girl that signed you up? Ten. Ten years? Yeah. Oh, my God. Jeez Louise, that's a fucking long time. Yeah.

Wow. So, what does she do? Same. Same? Yeah. She works in the weed business too? Shut up. Wow. So, you didn't? Yeah. She works in the weed business too? Shut up. Wow.

So you didn't know that your name was in the bucket? Or did you do it? No, I knew. Yeah. When we met up with them, they were like, yeah, we put your name in. So, yeah. Did you want to get her back? What's that?

No. So. Oh, get her back? Is that what you said? She doesn't have fucking 60 seconds. Neither did he. This is why I asked him all these questions in order, because I was thinking that too, but he had prepared basically for what? Months

in your head, right? How long have you been coming to Kill Tony? You said your first time here, you're like 60 seconds. Two weeks ago. Well, there you go. That's fucking good. There you go. You jerked off in the corner. That's everybody's first comedy set. You're like six seconds. Two weeks ago. Well, there you go. That's fucking good. You jerked off in the corner. That's everybody's first comedy set. Congratulations. You did it. I'm not going to bring some girl up here and watch this torture

of some stone chick with a beard fucking up here just bombing. Okay, so I totally wasn't expecting this. It's just going to be god awful. But you guys want to see it? You want to see his girlfriend do 60 seconds?

All right. Let's do it. What's her name? Sarah. This is going to be torture. What's her last name? Holland. Sarah Holland.

You guys want to watch a girl bomb for 60 seconds? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Sarah Collins, everybody. That way. Yeah. Here we go. This is a chick that prepare for

slow death, everyone. It's Sarah Collins, everybody. You're really you're really gonna make me do this right now I like I I literally like this is all I have I'm terrified

right now this is not I'm shaking right now. This is not... I'm shaking! Doing good. I... I want to cry. This is like... Thanks for coming out. I don't...

Talk about that racist video they filmed at Whole Foods. I haven't seen that. I don't watch the news or follow up on anything, so I really have nothing poignant to say, unfortunately. I'm not a funny person, so... It's really... This is so embarrassing, and I'm... Yeah, look at you shaking your head.

It's just like, this is pathetic. I'm so sorry. I don't know. No, I'm shaking my head at my co-host here, Brian Redband, who for some reason. But give it up for Ryan. He did great. Hey. Kiddo, you had the set of the night so far.

I don't know if you know this, but you've had the best set of the night. Doing no jokes, just being honest, feeling the energy of the room, talking about what you know. I know it. You're already the fifth best female comedian in the world. Thank you.

Yeah. I'm serious. It's incredible. Tony, can I just say, you look exactly like I thought you would. What? I saw you in my brain before you even were up here. You knew.

It was terrible, but all right. Okay, thanks. It's good. No, you're great. That was so much fun, Sarah Collins. Tell us something interesting about you that we would be surprised to know. What makes you different than other human beings? Any fun facts about you?

Like how you were raised, your family, something. I'm from South Dakota. Yeah. That's not that cool, but. Right. You have any fun hobbies that you're into? You look like you might be into like Frisbee golf or something like that. No,

I've never done Frisbee golf. You seem like you know how to bake vegan cuisine. Am I correct You seem like you know how to bake vegan cuisine. Am I correct about this? You know how to bake vegan food? No. You're sort of a free spirit.

I'm a free spirit, I guess. What's one of the more hippie things about you? You seem like the kind of person that jars her own tomatoes or something like that. Am I right? Do you have less or more like that. Am I right? Hippy thing idea. Do you have less or more pubic hair than your boyfriend?

Brad, take it easy. I mean, he's pretty well trimmed. Whoa, look at that. All right, who wants to do a pube-off real quick between the boyfriend and the girlfriend? Me, me, me. I'll do it. I don't really, I mean,

there's nothing specifically that interesting. I don't have anything. I beg the difference. You know what? Let's bring your boyfriend back up here. Let's bring Ryan Clement up here. You stay right there. You stay right there. No, this is great. This is incredible. Ryan, why don't you give us a fun fact

about your girlfriend that she might be glazing over. You've known her for 10 years. You know her whole thing. She's from South Dakota. What does she have? She has like two buttholes or something? Three. Wow. Oh, wow. There we go. We're finding something here. She does improv. Really? She does improv?

She does improv down in San Diego. Wow. That's incredible. You guys are the hottest homeless couple I've ever seen. Well, this was fun. A little fun surprise set with Ryan Clement and his lovely girlfriend, Sarah Collins, everybody. Just going to prove that anything can happen here on Kill Tony.

There they go. What a cute little on Kill Tony? There they go. What a cute little couple, huh? Hell yeah. Oh, won't you please step back? You guys having fun out there, huh? Clearly anything can happen on Kill Tony. There's a bunch of those. That was a guy's and a girl's first

ever stand-up comedy set. They've been together for 10 years. Magical. Magical. What was the joke you tried to squeeze in there during her 60 seconds? Did you see that video of the racist girl from Whole Foods that was screaming the N-word

every second? She looked just like her. Look it up. It's pretty crazy. Wow. There you go. That's a great reference to make in the middle of someone's set. That was awesome. Sometimes I forget you have all the time on your hands. She wasn't going to say anything.

Perfect comedic timing yet again there while I was finishing a joke. You're just on fire right now. Just a master of podcasting. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Chris Roberts, everyone. Chris Roberts.

Chris Roberts. Wow. He's really taking his time. I think he's stuck, ladies and gentlemen. It appears as though Chris is stuck. Not him. Alright, good. Fine. Perfect. I'm saying that right, ladies and gentlemen. It appears as though Chris is stuck. Not him. All right, good. Fine, perfect. I'm saying that right, right? Yeah, okay.

How about Michael Harmon, everyone? Michael Harmon. Here we go. He's very excited. Here he comes. Wow. Come on. One more time good and loud for Michael Harmon.

Woo! Hi. How you guys doing? All right. You know what? As a white man, I'm fucking ashamed of everybody that's decided they want to shoot people at their own schools. I don't know what the fuck is going on with these guys, but I think what they need is Jesus Christ and a fucking blowjob. All right?

Seriously, all these guys that are shooting up these schools are just asking for sex. That's all they want. We're one blowjob away from saving lives. All right? I mean, this is pitiful. These guys are crying out and I just want to say, man, if there's any women out there that are willing

to touch an awkward teenage guy's cock, that would I think that would really do the world a favor because that's all they need. That's all they need is just one step away from saving. Thank you. I love it when you at least laugh at the awkward silence.

Thank you. Anyways, hey. Oh, my God. Fuck yeah, Michael Harmon. Wow. Oh. Wow. Thank you.

Thank you. Doing some wacky, like, 60s comedy here. All right. I'm glad you could at least identify it. Whoa! Whoa! Because I don't know what the fuck it was. I don't know where the mic stand is.

I'm tripping all over the court. Whoa! Oh, my God. Michael, oh, my God. Look at you. You are something else. This is like Al Franken on fucking HGH or something like that. Fuck.

I'm not even Jewish. Oh, you're like retarded David Letterman. Wait, is Al Franken Jewish? I apologize to his family. My God. I think he's reformed. And you're not self-aware either. Shut up.

Back to you, Tony. Thank you, puppeteer. Vin Triloquy. Okay. So, wow. You seem like a grown man, but you also seem like you sleep on clothes. I am? I am.

I'm so old that I just took a leak And then two minutes later A little piss came out It's called chlamydia buddy I need depends But I just can't go there yet Wow You're cool man

You're cool too How old are you? You guys are all cool How old are you? Oh fuck man I'm 46. 46. Fuck, yeah. That's a sexy age,

isn't it? Death's doorbell ringing right there. White, single, 46. I used to drive for Uber. I'm basically the guy you warned your daughters about. Wait, you're single? What do you do now? Shut the fuck up. Yeah. Shut up. Despite how beautiful I am, yeah. What do you do now? You said you used to drive yeah. Shut up. Despite how beautiful I am, yeah.

What do you do now? You said you used to drive Uber. I'm a structural engineer. Take a half a step that way. Oh, shit. Structural engineer? What type of, what do you mean? What does that mean exactly?

We engineer structures. You think your jokes would have more of that then? No, we get the shit from architects, like the little fairy guys. Yeah. They wear the scarves and shit, and then we make sure that their fucking shit doesn't fall down. Wow, you have a dirty mouth on you. I know, and my kids are watching this. I'm sorry, fucking kids. Are they really?

You have kids? I'm sorry, you bastards. Oh my god. I mean, one of them is a girl, so she's not a bastard. I don't know what you call a girl with... Very good. There you go. Woo! Fuck yeah. I'm not even on drugs either. Okay, relax, Michael.

Lamectal. Michael, let the show breathe a little bit, okay? There's this thing called beats and timing that it's a very effective comedic tool. So let me ask you this. You said that you work in structural engineering. How many kids do you have? I think three. Oh, okay. How old are they? 19 almost.

15 and 14. 19, 15, and 14. All with the same mom? Yeah. Yes. Yeah, unfortunately. I mean, for, yeah. Actually, I shouldn't price it. You don't like her? Well, she had an affair with a rapist. Really? Yeah. She had an affair with a rapist?

Yeah, she was, like, interested in cutting down on crime. So. Okay. I think she figured if she fucked him. Like, when you came up with that, like, did you think that that would work? You know what? Day to day, I'm not sure what the fuck will work in any category of my life, so. Very good.

I like that. That is brutally honest, Michael. Yeah. So let's talk about your, she was your wife. I got to back up. Right? She was my wife, yeah. Right.

And while you were married, you found out that she cheated on you? Is that correct? Well, if we weren't married, it wouldn't be cheating. Michael, just answer the questions. Yes. You fucking bomb artist. Okay. Listen, think for a second.

You can even take a second before your mouth starts fucking making noises. If you want, you could do, you could take all the time you want. There is no race. Stay, keep your feet planted where they are right now Can I just say I hate this motherfucker Wait a second what Whoa Wait a second

What is that Who is this guy Yo it's Leon What Wow I can't believe there is a black puppet here. This is. Yeah. First black cast member of this show, man. That is not true. That is not true. Malcolm Hatchett was the first. I'm talking about the band, man.

OK. Yeah. Wow. It's very exciting. Stop feeling, man. All right. So I want to talk about this situation here. So how did you find out that your wife cheated on you? Well, we had sex. And then we were laying in bed because we had sex in bed. And then, I know, it's a weird fucking place to have sex. You're like if Dilbert was a failure. So she looked.

No, honestly, she just looked over at me and she said, I got to tell you something. And this is right after you guys had sex? Yeah. Okay. She looked in your eyes and said, you're a bitch. She looked in your eyes and she said, I have to tell you something. She said, I got to tell you something. Yeah.

I had an affair. Oh, my God. Yeah. And how long ago was this? About what? Five years. Five years ago. What makes you say that he's a rapist?

Because she told me. That he raped her? He'd been twice accused of rape. Wow. You get one, but two. You're a rapist. Wow. Your wife still had sex with the guy that told, you know, like, she knew about the rapist?

Well, the way he tells it is he was just accused. Right. Right. So he didn't say he was a rapist. He just said he was accused. So, but she knew that beforehand? I hope not. No.

Oh, man. Interesting. Where did they, how did you know how they met or anything like that? Or did they work together? Man, this is hurt Oh, man. Interesting. Do you know how they met or anything like that? Man, this is hurtful, man. No, this is good. We're finding out something interesting about you. If you want to see hurtful, rewatch your 60-second set from tonight. That's the most painful thing I've ever been through.

Yeah, man. This is the funniest you've been all night. Even if you're laughing at me, that's all right. You're doing good. It's true. I agree with Neon. Leon. Oh, Leon.

I'm sorry. I thought you said you called him Neon. Can I just say, this might be an inside joke, but can I see your shirt real quick? Oh, boy. I mean, a black flag shirt and a V-neck is just like a sin against God, dude. You're fucking. Well, I'll tell you what. This is a real.

This is fucking. Shut up. All right. Back to you, Tony. Thank're fucking... Well, I'll tell you what. This is a real... This is fucking 40 years old. Shut up. All right. Back to you, Tony. Thank you. Thank you. So you guys decided to split after that? Everything just sort of ruined?

Yeah, I decided after the rapist dick, I didn't really want to go in there anymore. So, yeah. Right. And did they end up carrying on a relationship for some time? No. No. It was just one and done. Typical rapist shit.

You know what I mean? Wow. Wow. Wow. How about your sex life now? What's that like? Well, I'm setting a record. Yeah? For what?

For a number of days not fucking. Really? What are you at right now? I think I'm at 379. Wow. Have you considered raping someone? Get your wife back. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not? Get your wife back. Yeah.

I'm not a violent man. No. Yeah. All right. Hey, can you name one Black Flag song? Wow. Smokin' and Drinkin'. Okay, how about a singer?

What's your favorite singer for Black Flag? Oh, my God. Oh, Henry Rollins? Boo. All right, bye. See you later. Just kidding. Danny Lucas loves Henry Rollins. Boo, alright, bye, see you later Just kidding, Danny Lucas loves Henry Rollins, alright, bye

Wow, hell yeah Okay, so I don't know what this black flag shit that's going on Oh, it's some inside shit, I'm roasting the hell out of him right now You just don't know it He's so embarrassed No, hell no, I'm not embarrassed

Shut up! What are you You guys have any thoughts about this He's so embarrassed. No, hell no. I'm not embarrassed. Shut up! What are you... Fuck! You guys have any thoughts about this guy or anything? Anything on Michael? I mean, he's just so... You're an aggressive human. How long have you been doing stand-up?

I'm just full of love, you know? How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? This is the third time ever. Oh. I went out Friday night and I did two. I did... I don't want to talk too much, so you keep going. God, I swear to God.

I feel like I'm pissing everybody off. You are right up there with one of my least favorite humans that have ever gotten pulled out of this bucket. There's just nothing worse than a human that can't answer the easiest questions. I did Ha Ha Comedy Club, and then I did Flappers. No, I'm sorry, Sycamore. I'll tell you this, dude. Let me tell you something. I mean, I talk about how much I hate you

and all these things. But, you know, a guy like you, you're only 46 and you know, sure. Is that the death toll? You're only 46 and

your kids are pretty much grown up who cares about the 14 year old right so I say fucking go for it man structural engineering sounds like a fucking like a real like pretty boring gig and if this gives you any excitement at all I say

go for it listen better take your time use comedic timing. Watch comedy. Do some research. And fucking if you love it, if it makes you feel good, and I think it does because you seem to be having fun, then fucking roll with it, man. There's no limits to when you can start. Just get better.

Sign up again and do better. Thank you, man. There you go. Michael Harmon. Can I just say I love. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for just. I love being here, man. Thank you. You got to go now. Michael Harmon. Can I just say, I love, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for just, I love being here, man.

Thank you. You got to go now. Michael Harmon, everybody. So. All right. Sometimes the show's crazy. You know what I mean? You can't, this is like a wild workplace, right?

This is what I would consider a wild workplace, which reminds me that I want to tell you about Monday.com, a team management tool that will improve your office workflow. Monday.com makes it easy to track projects and stay productive. Instead of emails, spreadsheets, random files, whiteboards, to-do lists, post-it notes, these people track everything all in one place. Takes no time to set up and can easily customize. It's amazing, right? It's easy to stay organized and find files. Looking through emails to find stuff is a nightmare. Monday.com organizes everything in one place so you aren't wasting time searching for the things you need.

It creates accountability. What's more annoying than asking somebody to do something and you never get a response? I hate that all the – this is the worst. Are they working on it? I don't know. Did they get the email? Who knows. How often are important tasks getting lost in the shuffle?

With Monday.com, you can easily assign tasks to coworkers and track projects. You know, Garfield hates Monday, but Monday.com is great for me. The platform is suitable for any size team. From two freelancers working together to thousands collaborating across the globe. So check out Monday.com.

This is an incredible team management tool. Yes, it'll put an end to boring meetings and trying to figure out things that are confusing. Monday.com just does everything for you. That's why we recommend Monday.com. And if you go to Monday.com slash Kill Tony, they are going to give you a free 14-day trial. There's no commitment. You can check out Monday.com and see for yourself how helpful their software is.

One more time, that's Monday.com slashtony for a free 14-day trial. And make sure you use that exact link because if you're using our link, there will be additional savings if you choose to sign up. So go to monday.com slash killtony. No one has more fun on Mondays than us. Yeah, back to the show we go. Easy breezy. Yeah, real quick, I'd like to take a moment to tell you about friday.com,

next friday, and fridayafternext.com, next Friday, and Friday after next.com. Wow. Wow, that is incredible. I can't believe, uh, this is, you know, just goes to show, what I love about this show is that there are no rules, there's nothing is sacred, and there is

a black puppet being performed by a white man on this show live. Listen, I've had talks with him before. He goes a little crazy sometimes. I love it. He's got glasses and everything. What do you do for work, Leon? A lot of things.

Wow. Like what? What do you do for work? UPS. Oh, alright right, cool. Okay, pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys excited about this? All right, put your hands together for Brandon Potter, everyone. Brandon Potter.

Brandon Potter. Wow, look at this. He's coming from the audience side, everybody. Brandon Potter. Hey. What's up, bitches? Cool. A lot of straight people, they think being gay is a choice, but they're wrong. They actually make you audition to be gay. Yeah, in front of Satan. Homophobes are people pissed off because they didn't get a callback. Mike Pence. I was really high the other day,

and I was like, what if it is a choice? Nah. Dude, if it was, like, if scientists could invent a pill that could turn me straight, I'd probably just stick that pill up my butt. You know?

Hopefully it's not a suppository. Fuck science, right? Where are my Christians at? Wow. Alright, thanks. Great set. Brandon Potter, everybody. Hell yeah. Cool, thank you. My goodness.

Everyone tonight has been saying that performing and getting laughs in 60 seconds is impossible and hard. And then you came up here and just took over. Thank you. I appreciate it. Absolutely. This is like my fourth time trying to get on the show. So it's my first time getting on the show. I love it.

Well, hell yeah. We just popped your cherry. Well, I mean, it's probably been popped before. You know what I mean? Let's check in with Leon. Yeah, man. You gay? Leon.

Yes. Wow. Hell yeah. That's... Oh, hell no, man. Wait, Leon, you have a problem with gay guys? Oh, no, man. I keep noticing that you pretend. I mean, it seems like everything is okay, and then you just sort of trickle out there.

Oh, man. I mean, it's totally cool, man. There might be a homophobic puppet on this thing. Oh, man, I got a lot of gay friends. Yeah? Really? Like, what's a lot of gay friends. Yeah? Really? What's one of your gay friends' names? Doc Dre. Leon. I love it.

Did you just say Dr. Dre? Yeah. Jesus. So, Brandon, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I first did it like five years ago, but I feel like I've really been doing it for like the past three years. Yeah.

Uh-huh. And you've been working hard at it. You do a lot of spots. Yeah. I actually work at the La Jolla Comedy Store. Oh, you're an employee of the La Jolla Comedy Store. That's incredible. That's fucking awesome, man.

Were you there last Sunday? I was, yeah. I tried to get up on that one, but I didn't get picked. Wow, that's so cool. I mean, that makes sense. You know, there's two comedy stores. How long have you been working there? About a year.

That's awesome. That's exactly a great place to be. A lot of great comedians. You know, all the comedians here are, all the employees here are some top young rising comedians in the world. And the La Jolla Comedy Store is a farmland for that. Some greats. Bobby Lee, Brian Moses, a lot of great people.

There's also a lot of horrible ones like Guam Felix, your door guy tonight. I mean, just god awful. Some people are just horrible. And they never get fired for some reason. Some GMs or whatever feel bad for certain people, and they just keep – it's like, what are they –

I don't want them to kill themselves. You know what I mean? Yo, man, what the hell? You a snitchy bitch, don't you? Wait, what? Leon, you turning on me? Hell yeah. All right.

Brandon, have you always been – have you always known that you were gay? Yeah, I've known since I was like three. Yeah? Like how did you know when you were three? You knew when you was three? Damn. Yeah, I was at the grocery store with my mom, and we were checking out.

And then you put your pacifier in your butt. All right, red band. Get rid of it. Get out of there. That's your one. Do not do of it. Get it out of there. That's your one. Do not do it again. You're out of control with that thing. No, I was looking at the magazine rack,

and I remember just being naturally drawn to the magazine with the half-naked dude on it, and I was like, this isn't normal. At three? Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Remember how you were into chicks at three? No. You weren't? No. At three? Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Remember how you were into chicks at three? No.

You weren't? No. At three? No, I was into like Play-Doh and stuff. All right. Play-Doh. Fuck yeah. So you realize, when's the first time you hooked up with a guy?

Was there somebody in grade school or something like that? I was 14, and it was on the east coast in maryland and uh like back then you had to meet guys in like chat rooms and stuff heck yeah no that's not that's that makes no sense there but like we met at a mall and then there was there was train tracks behind the mall in the forest. Oh, damn. This is where every gay experience happens, right? There's always train tracks involved before you play with your choo-choo, you know what I mean? Before you get an old car up the caboose, you know what I'm saying?

It's a funny story because we hooked up in the woods by the train tracks, and the next day I had poison ivy over my entire body. You know, my ball sack. And I wasn't out. That's poison ivy, my guy. Yeah, that's that punishment for being gay, man. I didn't want to tell anybody because I didn't want my mom asking questions like, what were you doing at the mall?

So I had to hide it. Right. Yeah, there's no poison ivy at the mall that you said that you went to. These are some woodland sound effects coming from a... When it happened, were you like, all aboard? My goodness. Did the train go by at all? No.

No. It was fucking chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga. There was like a homeless... Hey, look at those fags over there. A homeless guy walked by us, though. Really? Yeah. I was sucking this dude's dick, and then a homeless guy walked by us though Really? Yeah, I was sucking this dude's dick And then a homeless guy walked by

Oh Jesus It was the worst first time I didn't have sex for two years after that Really? Yeah, I was horrified Wait, it was the worst first time? You know you only get one of those, right? That's fun

That is so fun. So Brandon, what do you think is... I'm going to ask you this question because it's a fun one. What do you think the gayest thing you've ever done is? Oh my god. Wear this shirt. Trevor Wallace Yeah

It's like Parker Lewis What's the second gayest thing you've ever done? I take a pill every day So I can't get HIV Wow Look at you, you dirty little raw dog motherfucker You mean you take a pill every day Wow, look at you, you dirty little raw dog motherfucker. You mean you take a pill every day so that you don't have to wear a condom?

Yeah. My mom calls them my fag pills. Yeah, that's what everyone calls them behind your back. Man, your mom dope as hell, doc. They have that? It's like a plan B for HIV? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, the doctor actually prescribed it to me, though,

so I could share needles safely. I'm sorry, I'm being a dumbass. Of course. Everyone ever thinks. Have you ever had sex with a guy, you're like, oh, this guy definitely has AIDS. Yeah, this is fucking risky business. Thank God I took this pill. Yeah, man, this dude got has AIDS. Yeah, this is fucking risky business. Thank God I took this pill.

Yeah, man, this dude got that AIDS-y dick on him. Yeah. Well, as long as their load is undetectable, they can't transmit it. Wait a second. Hold on a second. Leon, Leon. Leon. Leon, please.

It's science. Leon, please stop throwing up in the microphone so loudly. I can't get over this. He's just so insensitive, Leon. So what do you mean by load and undetectable in all this? Okay, real talk. So if you're HIV positive, as long as you're on your meds and your viral load is like undetectable on the test, you can't transmit HIV. Yeah.

Wow. See? What? Oh, my God. Did the puppet run over there? That is one of the most random. Definitely a dude with AIDS in the corner. That's incredible.

That's right. He's just back there fucking some guy. That's incredible He's just back there Fucking some guy That's right Yeah hell yeah Look at you giving the old fucking Hell yeah Brandon Potter's zoning in over there Alright

What is this Justin Bieber Come on Red Band Wow this is all so interesting. How long have you lived on the West Coast? I've been in San Diego for about 10 years now. 10 years. That's fucking awesome, man. Your parents, too, or they live in Maryland, you said?

They're all over. Oh, yeah. Who cares about your parents? Yeah, who cares? They don't. Yeah, that's cool. You still close with them? No. Really? No.

Really? Is that true? What type of guy is your dad? What's he like? Really angry. Yeah. He was actually cool about the gay thing. He was just a dick and junk.

Was it his fault, maybe? No. No, we don't really talk, but I have lots of daddy figures in my life it's not a big deal damn fuck yeah okay all right all right okay congrats on making that the new gayest thing you ever said yeah exactly that is incredible well brandon i mean you're so much fun dude please feel free to come up and sign up anytime you guys have anything else for Brandon your thoughts about Brandon anything all good man

yo man can you catch this gay wait what nevermind I thought you were great you came up with joke joke joke joke joke you hit it you had smart jokes Christianity where my Christians was really intelligent. I got it on both levels. You can tell you're a Comedy Store employee immediately.

Dude, that means a lot. I'm going to start crying now. This is like the gayest thing ever. Heck yeah. This will be the gayest thing ever. Here it is. That would be the fourth gayest thing you've done on stage tonight. Hey, man.

Hey, could you not cry on me? I don't want to get HIV, man. Leon. No. He is. My goodness. Thank you. This is an honor.

Thank you. I appreciate it. Absolutely. No tears at all unless you count the tears in his asshole, everybody. Brandon Potter, everyone. There he goes. Thank you, everybody. Appreciate it.

Back step, back step, everyone. Thank you, everybody. Appreciate it. Back, step, back, step, back, round that ledge, ledge, ledge, ledge, ledge, ledge, ledge, ledge, ledge, ledge, ledge, my friend. Hey. Hey, look at that. Little paper planes. Foreshadowing perhaps our next comedian

who is an unbelievably controversial figure as of late. This guy has always been either loved or hated. He was late for his spot last week. He came up and maybe

had what many are saying was a controversial set. A lot of people say that he's been leaning on his devices a lot lately. So let's see what happens tonight. This is a high-pressure situation. One of my favorite comedians still, but a lot of people hate him. This could be a situation of a good guy turning into a bad guy right in front of our eyes. Many people compare him to a modern-day Hulk Hogan who started good,

and everybody loved him, and then he came out as bad, and that made him ultra bad because a good bad guy used to be a good guy. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Here we go. Here he is. Here he is. The Kill Tony regular.

The one and the only. The crowd goes wild. First off, Tony Martinez, I found your identification card. So I have a movie coming out in a couple weeks called High Tides, The Other Dracula Story. called High Tides the Other Dracula Story. Los Angeles police officer Jack angers retired bomb squad member Howard Payne by failing his attempts at taking hostages. In revenge, Howard Payne arms a bus that will explode

if it goes under 50 miles per hour. With the help of spunky passenger Annie and his buddy Harry, they try to make it so the bus doesn't get below 50 miles per hour, while also trying to figure out how Howard Payne is monitoring them. Yeah, so this is called a sewer pharmacy. That's an impression of my uncle. He literally works in a sewer at a pharmacy chain. It used to be called K-Mart.

Ah, there it is. William Montgomery, everyone. Wearing pants. Wearing what might be one of the finer turtlenecks I've ever seen. How does it make my gut look? Well, you do have that thing going on that, uh...

Parasite. In which there is a... There is a... There is a ledge there. Uh, there is... It's not... The bottom of your shirt is not pressed up against it. I didn't want to sort of bring this up tonight,

but since you brought up ledges, I was back in Memphis two weeks ago, Oak Court Mall, just in the parking structure, at the edge of it, at the ledge, just wanting to jump. I recently found out I'm related to Aztecs. Let's give it up for Aztecs. I've come up... Hey, Red Bean, you want to quit that shit? Sorry, what did you say?

Do you mind putting on brick? All right. Brick. So I started writing a movie called High Tides the Other Draculas. Yeah, there it is. Hey Red Band, what's going on?

Go ahead, William. Y'all just picture me in a cave somewhere middle America, South America, mid 1500s trying to sort of middle America, South America, mid-1500s, trying to sort of get in good with the natives there, just finally going into the cave,

showing them one of the T-shirts I made, telling them it has magnets in it. They're like, hold on, what's going on? Can you turn the song off, please? All right. Man, this dude dressed like white trash Incredible Hulk right here. Oh, shit. What's up?

My name is Michael Martinez. Wait. Wait a second. That's not true at all. You're William Montgomery. So, William, let me ask you this. Last week when you were on the show what's your name dude oh here we go we've seen this why are you fucking looking at

me that way he's in the audience will Tony I'll be quite frank after last week's debacle I had three pieces of shit get in my DMs telling me to kill myself telling me to quit doing the show Tony I'll just be very honest I've started playing a bunch of word games what are those things called where you look for words words with friends

word searches I started doing a bunch of word searches google search yeah and then what happened y'all don't repeat just seriously it gives me chills right now I started doing a bunch of word searches. Google search. Yeah, and then what happened? Y'all don't repeat. Just seriously, it gives me chills right now. I found the word Cinderella in there. So, William, these people that send you these messages on the Internet,

which I know for a fact is true, because I have people that message me asking me to ask you to kill yourself. It has been quite the time. Can you put on brick for a second, please? It's still in there. Yeah, it's playing. Go ahead, it's playing.

Y'all just picture me down in the Aztec arena, mid-1500s, showing them my discovery of Velcro on my shoes, and they're not impressed. Montezuma is with Red Band doing ketamine. Y'all, I'll be quite frank. I was with Red Band at an Applebee's this past week. He did out some ketamine. I was like, Red Band, I can't do this.

I'm about to marry you and your wife in a couple weeks. You know I'm Episcopalian. Episcopalian. How are you going to marry me and my wife? How do you find these words that you say so beautifully? Can you say that one more time? What religion are you? Tony, how I've been doing it, I've literally been playing.

What is that game called? I just asked you a fucking question. Word search. I've been playing. God damn. Word searches out the frame. I've been playing. What's that game called where you try to sink the battleships?

Battleship. Battleship. I've been playing Battleship like it's my job. Yeah. Battleship. I've been playing Battleship like it's my job. Yeah. My cousin Taylor tried to poison me last Tuesday.

Yeah, what did he do to try to poison you? I trusted him. Oh. Zantac? All right. You look like you're modeling for a clothing company called Fruit of the Gloom. Wow. Brad, that was strange. Hey, Red Band, can you write that down, please?om. Wow. Brad, that was very nice. Hey, Red Band, can you write that down, please?

Let's see. Oh, my God. So, William. William, William, William. William, over here for a second. Let's make eye contact. Soak it in. You know what?

Let's check in with this panel. This is their first time seeing you. You're looking for their, this is the classic, what we call the William look for approval. He's desperately hoping that these guys like him. Can you get me on one of your videos? I promise you I'll work hard.

I'll wear Speedo goggles. I'll not give a shit. Yeah, you don't need to. No, William, you're one of my favorites, man. I don't think you should kill yourself. But your stylist definitely should kill himself, if anything. Can you put that song on one more time? Oh, shit.

No, you're great, man. You're awesome. He's got a real report. Y'all just picture me, Memphis, Tennessee, mid-2000s. What if we don't want to picture it anymore? Hey, Red Band, write that down, please. Go ahead, William. Were you getting somewhere with that one?

On the ledge of the parking structure. You're already in repeat mode, William. Let's check in with Ryan Sickler. Now let me remind you guys that William writes and performs a new minute every week. So it's a little bit of a much harder, much different situation. Clearly he has a very improvised. Hey, Ryan, I'll be very frank. I used to respect you a bunch.

Once I found out you had that campaign against Aztecs, against Sequoians. My mother used to drive a Sequoia. I get it. Look, I'm a fucking, I'm a Mayan all day long. Hey, Ryan, can I ask you a question? No, let me say something first. William,

you can. Ryan, here's my question. Go ahead. If I were to end up opening up for you in some sort of an arena, maybe in North Carolina or South Carolina, I would go up on stage and you would have been asking me all night, hold on, who's that lady? And I would start telling jokes and she would start doing sign language. You lost me at if I ever opened for you. Your style. Get my back on this one. I can't.

You've got to turn around for me because I have not been able to look. I can't lift my head above these knees. You have, he has camouflage Crocs. Whoa. Slacks, and they are rolled to accent the camouflage Crocs. Whoa. Slacks, and they are rolled to accent the camouflage Crocs. You are absolutely the white guy we should all be worried about. What is this? I said it before.

Did y'all just see that? That was cool. Yeah. I'll say it before. Thank you for that song. Can you please keep playing it? Y'all just picture Ryan and I, mid-2000s, Oak Court Mall, just walking in there with machine guns.

And I look at Ryan and I'm like, dude, you know, I can't talk, you can't hear. Okay. William, let me ask you this in closing is there anything you can look right at right at that camera right there is the live stream or if you're looking forward to maybe

more future William wait a second William you know what look at me for a second so that this really sinks in I'm wondering if perhaps in this final moment of you on the stage here tonight if you'd like to say something directly to those people that have been messaging us all for you to kill yourself.

If you'd like to speak directly to them, if there's something that you'd like to say from your heart. Hey, Ryan Sandberg, I get it. You probably took your name from the famous baseball player. When you told me to stop being the regular on Kill Tony, we're sick of the same bullshit week after week. I just was reading that on my Nokia. All right.

Read me and write that down. I'm kidding. Those are all bits. There he goes. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Another new minute from William. I'm kidding. Those are all bits. There he goes. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Another new minute from William. Another fun interview. Why don't we do something fun?

Before we go to the bucket one last time, let's do something fun. Let's bring a guy up here who has made some amazing appearances in the last couple weeks. We've had a lot of fun with him. I love this guy. This is a guy a lot of people are, I mean, there's a lot of rumors going around on the Internet that this guy is making a claim to perhaps be the next regular here on Kill Tony. Let's see what happens tonight. Make some noise for David Lucas, everyone.

Here he comes. My mom's favorite comedian in the history of Kill Tony. David Lucas. Yeah. What's up, nigga? I don't like skinny people. What's up nigga? I uh I don't like skinny people

I hate when skinny people get on the escalator And walk Like nigga I really need this shit You know what I'm saying? Like if you wanted to do all that extra shit You could have took the stairs You know what I'm saying? Like, if you wanted to do all that extra shit, you could have took the stairs. You know what I mean? I don't give a fuck how much you tap me on my shoulder.

I'm not moving. If you keep fucking around, I'm going to fall back and take us all out. I'm going to suicide bomb this hoe. You know what I'm saying? That's my title. Hell yeah, I like that. In and out. I'm a suicide bomb, this hoe. You know what I'm saying? That's my title. Hell yeah, I like that. In and out.

50 seconds of thunder. I love that. It's the hardest I've laughed all night at a joke. I appreciate you, bro. I can tell that really came from your enlarged heart. Oh, look at Tony. Look at Tony looking like a gender neutral Barbie. Wait, what?

You look like a gender neutral Barbieutral Barbie. Wait, what? You look like a gender-neutral Barbie. I love you repeating that. Like you could go in the bathroom with a half of a skirt. You know what I'm saying? Wait. Leon. Leon, why do you laugh like that? No, this dude a new regular of mine.

Oh, my God. Oh, my goodness. I can't believe you just called me a gender neutral Barbie. That fucking, you could have at least called me a gender neutral Kendall or something like that, but I mean, you went straight for the more feminine side. You look like you collect vintage porn, you know what I'm saying?

You look like you got cowboy porn. Oh my god. Bring that blue blazers pussy over here, girl. Jesus. God, this guy's out of control. There's a Oh, my God. Bring that blue blazers pussy over here, girl. Jesus. God, this guy's out of control. I like that. What happened to your hoodie?

You get into a fight with a milkshake earlier? What's going on here? Goddamn paper straws. Red Band, we need that shit. You look like Al from Tool Time. He You look like Al from Tool Time. He does look like Al from Tool Time. You are awesome, David Lucas. Thank you, man. I want to make a quick shout out, man.

A lot of y'all don't know, but my boy Gary Clark Jr. is in the audience. That's true. He is. He's sitting right there, ladies and gentlemen. One of the great musical artists in the world, everybody. He sold out the Hollywood Bowl last night, man. Yep.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't want to put him on the spot or anything, but just proving once again. Now, we're trying to get him some more black fans because black people, you know, y'all ain't fucking with blues, nigga.

I love it. I'm freaking sold out. Well, we get a lot of black fans. We need some more nigga fans, man. We got a lot of black fans. Having people like you on the show, David, you know, the notorious P.I.G. So fucking... All right, damn, Tony.

You are black and strong, which reminds me, nitro cold brew coffee. One of my favorite drinks in the world. Use the promo code KILTONI. Save 20% or 15% on all of your orders. It is unbelievable. So what's been going on with life? Man, I got a meeting with a manager. Wait, what?

Got a meeting with a manager. Got a meeting with a manager from your episode of KILTONI. Wow, look at that. Look at that. Look at that. Look at that, motherfuckers. I'm recording my album, my first live stand-up album, October 24th. If y'all want to get in, holler at me on Instagram.

Oh, shit. Man, that sounds funny. What's the album? Is it just a recording? That sounds funny. What's the album? Is it just a recording of your heartbeat? Who's the manager?

Tony's manager. Oh, are you fucking serious? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, he wouldn't even manage me. You got to cut that beard. Yeah, that's true. Maybe, I don't know. I don't know what that would take. That's not even, all right.

Anyway, I don't even know what to tell you there on that one, Brian. It's a little too real there. Yeah, it makes me a little bit sad in my heart. I know. I'm kidding. It would be a lot easier. You've been doing the road a lot? I mean, clearly not jogging or anything.

Jesus Christ. Yeah. I got to find a new therapist, man. Really? What happened? You broke the couch on the last one? I'm a literal person. I don't fucking run. I'm not. I'm a gender neutral. I don't fucking...

I'm not. I'm a gender neutral Barbie. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was at my therapist last Friday, and he was asking me questions. He was like, are you depressed? Do you hear voices? I said, I hear yours.

Yeah. And he was like, you got to find another therapist, bro. I can't take this humor. Really? Because he was like, I'm trying to be... He was like, I'm not being funny, even though I'm a comedian. He was like, nah. So I'm looking for a new therapist.

Therapist, holla at me. I love this. Every time you're on this show, you're always looking for a new. Last time it was a manager. You got a meeting with a manager. Now you look right at the live stream. You know, so many therapists watch this show. This is just a top of the.

Wait, I want to try this. I need a mattress. If there's anybody out there selling mattresses... I think Neil Leeds is actually in the house tonight. I'm pretty sure he's somewhere. Big ups to that guy.

I need one. Hell yeah. This is my boy, Trevor Wallace. We was on All Def together. You guys know each other? All Def. We was on All Def together. Oh, cool.

Heck yeah. I love that. Absolutely. I don't know fool, but he look funny. This place is haunted. Did you see that? The curtains just blew like crazy. Wow, I know. That's crazy. I felt a big breeze

and then that happened. That was incredible. Ah, yeah. Totally haunted. Yo, I don't do ghosts, man. I don't do ghosts. I love it. Yeah, someone opened the back fire exit and that's it. I the air on this mug. Yeah, someone opened the back fire exit, and that's it. That's all it is.

I like that jacket, though. It looks like you were hanging out with the dude that comes in the corners all day. And you look like Ace Pet Ventura. Ace Pet Ventura. You can stand up and hit off the floor with your long-ass neck, nigga. Yeah, man, you one of Ace Ventura's pets, bitch. Whoa. I got your back, David.

You guys are joining forces over here. That's my nigga, bro. Leroy. Leroy, right? Leon. Leon. Nah, it's all right. Hell yeah.

Ryan Sickler, here's your first time seeing David Lucas, right? Yeah, it is. Cold-blooded assassin. You were fucking great. Appreciate it, bro. Yeah, you were. I don'toded assassin. You were fucking great. Appreciate it, bro. Yeah, you were. I don't even want to make fun of you. You were fucking good.

You can't, because I'm going to do it back. I could. I hope you get a therapist out of this, though. I really do hope you get a fucking therapist. You really hood, though. I hear your voice. You hook around black people, bro. Yeah, I grew up on black people.

Yeah, that nigga grew up on a two-piece and a biscuit. I can tell. Can you hear this? I can hear the struggle in his voice. Y'all don't hear that shit? That nigga got poverty in his throat. I love that. That is true.

I'm struggling like you're fucking waistline right now. This motherfucker look like Adam Sandler's daddy. Get the fuck out of here. You look like everything that grows under the bush. That's a white reference. Run that shit back, Turbo. Leave it to David to not know what a vegetable

is. Thank you. Trevor, shut your hangout with Justin Bieber head ass up out of here, nigga. This party is out of control. Hell yeah, Trevor. You were great, though. You really great. You can hold your breath out of here, nigga. This party is out of control. Hell yeah, Trevor. You were great, though. You were really great. Long neck ass.

You can hold your breath for six minutes, man. David Lucas. I fucking love you, man. I love you too, Tony. We're going to figure out a way to see more of you for sure. It's undeniable. You are an undeniable force. I appreciate all of you.

I love the fact that someone is seasoned and as powerful as you. You're seizing the opportunity. This is one of these things I see and hear a lot of murmurs of good things and bad things and this and that with the show. And one of the things that I notice is it's hard sometimes for comedians, obviously, and this is coming from me, to control their ego, right? And there's things you could do that you feel like you're bigger than that

and I'm better than that. Fuck that. And you're one of the guys that, in my mind, truly gets it. You see what the format of this show is. You come in. You take what's given to you. You're getting shit out of it.

You're going to get a manager out of it. You're probably going to get a therapist out of this shit. I just don't understand because it's like, bro, I gained like 2,000 followers in two weeks. So it's like I don't understand and it ain't no shot to nobody, but why do you come up here not ready?

Let me tell you what it really is. And by the way, it's not even the people that come up when they're not ready because they can always get better and that's a good thing as well. But what's interesting is the people that come up when they're not ready because they can always get better and that's a good thing as well but what's interesting is the people that to me that's interesting that don't want to do the show because they might think right like oh i'm not gonna sign up for that shit i'm gonna i'm gonna go try to do another open mic somewhere where it's more time that's only 60 seconds they don't realize you've been up here annihilating for nine minutes and 22 seconds right in front of live audience in the main room,

thousands of people watching there, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands to watch eventually on that camera back there. And not only that, but the opportunities that you get from the audience, and not only that, but meeting comedians, these guys seeing you, Ryan Sickler doing a gig, maybe eventually we're somewhere where you are

and you doing a guest spot on his show or something like that, the relationships and everything, and you're doing it right, and I just wanted to get that out there. That's David Lucas, everybody. Hey, Instagram at DavidLucasFighting. I love it. Make sure to check out the new – hell yeah.

Make sure to check out the new Beetlejuice movie that they're filming on the top of his head. It's incredible. It's going to be great. Sandworm. Yeah, why'd you wait till... Man, what a bitch move. You wait till he get off stage?

Okay. I got him with some other ones. I get the last word. That's right. You guys think one more, and then we'll get out of here, right out of the bucket, huh? Oh, shit, William.

Oh, Jesus. There you go. Very interesting. All right. Your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Dave Sarah, everyone. Dave Sarah. I'm not seeing movement. Dave Sarah.

Oh, she's a dry blend friend indeed. Oh, she's a gold digger. How about Kirsten Freed? Kirsten Freed. Whoa. From the audience side, I love this. Oh, and a female. Some real audience members coming up here tonight.

I think we know her, dude. Okay, one more time, good and loud, for your final comedian of the night, Kirsten Freed. Thanks, Tony. So good to be here. I don't know what I'm doing out here in this single world. I did not realize I was part of the catch and release program you guys are so good at. Right, ladies?

Am I the only one that's out here swimming in the shallow end of the pool? I'm just looking for love. I need somebody to love, and I just keep getting thrown out. The last guy I dated, we break up, and he'd call me back dated, we break up and he'd call me back. We break up and he'd call me back. The last time he called me up, like, if you think I'm going to come back to you after five times of breaking up, I'll be right over. Yeah.

Mistakes are being made. I haven't been single since I was 25 years old, and that wasn't just yesterday. It was not. I'm out here dating with the equivalent of a fourth-grade education. Meanwhile, you ladies out here dating with your PhDs. I'm left here picking up fourth-graders emotionally.

Thank you, guys. Hell yeah. Kirsten Freed. Welcome, welcome. Hi, Tony. How are you? Do we know you? Brian and I... Oh, you were on the show? No, I met you...

We met as I was coming out of the bathroom. Uh-huh. So awkward. That's right. I was just one of the many men to keep you single. That's what... Alright. Did you sign up as single white female? Never mind. Welcome, welcome,

welcome. So, Kirsten, what did you say about fourth graders there at the end? Oh, that's what I'm left picking up is actually third graders because they look up to fourth graders. But why? Why? I don't get that. I don't know. I just find like I pick the wrong guys that continuously

let me down. I thought you were like a bus driver or something like that. What do you do for work? I work for Costco. Really? I do. Wow. Thank you. I'm a cashier. Kirkland! Cashier at Costco. It's a good gig. Yeah, that's a big deal. That's fucking big, big,

big deal. It is. I have great skills. I have mad big deal. That's a fucking big, big, big deal. It is. I have great skills. I have mad boxing skills. I will put everything in that box and make it fit. Whoa. Yo, I work at UPS. That's hell nice.

Damn, Kirsten, you seem like you have a very sexual, dirty mind on you, right? Am I correct about this? A little bit. Wow. A little bit. Whoa, correct about this? A little bit. Wow. A little bit. Whoa. Who is this? I'm Cindy and I suck dick.

Whoa. Is that a fucking, we have a slutty puppet on this show? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Where have you been this whole time? Sucking dick. Oh, my God. Cindy, I swear. Clean your mouth up. Has she ever met Leon time? Sucking dick. Oh, my God. Cindy, I swear.

Clean your mouth up. Has she ever met Leon before? Oh, hello. Hey. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. All right. Hey, Tony.

Yeah. Can your girlfriend do this? Oh, my God. Wow. That my god. Wow, that was incredible. Okay. Wow. That's amazing. Alright, so let's get back. This is, by the way, I will say, great job by the

puppeteers tonight. The type of chaos that you just saw the last 30 seconds was a lot like their first appearance, where they were just talking to one another continuously. And this was good. This goes to show, like what I was

talking about earlier with the comedians, the growth sometimes of the show. Hey, shut your bitch ass up. Leah! I deserved that. I deserved that. So, Kirsten, let's talk about it. Your whole set, you basically talked about how you're single,

catch and release, this whole thing. So what do you think the problem is here? What do you think is going on? If you had to guess, what do you think it is? I can't be alone. Uh-huh. What do you mean? Well, I'm married for 14

years you were married for 14 years i was yeah and then what happened and then oh wait you let a rapist fuck you uh we've seen this before you can't rape the willing oh jesus that is Oh, Jesus. That is the sluttiest puppet. I mean, this chick has a hand in her at all times. Constantly being fisted. So, Kirsten, you were married for 14 years. How did that end? Oh, gosh, you know, that was a great story I talk about on my set. I found out he was wearing my lingerie as well. That's myself.

Wow. Okay, let me just acknowledge something real quick because Jeremiah is getting 24 laughs and that's enough for him to ignore the format of the show. That's a magic number for him to get a little silly. So let's just keep it on Kirsten for a second there. So let's talk about this. How did you find out that he was putting on your lingerie?

It was over my children's precious childhood memories on the VHS tape, yeah. 1996, you guys. I literally can't hear your answer because Jeremiah, on a podcast that, 1996 you guys I literally can't hear your answer because because Jeremiah on a podcast that is mostly consumed audio only

is playing with fucking puppets I did the unbelievable I mean the unbelievable mistake of acknowledging that they did a good job tonight and this is when Jeremiah just torches everything. So this is very interesting.

We pulled a young lady out of the bucket. Well, I mean, we pulled a lady out of the bucket. And let's just keep it on her a little bit, okay? Jeremiah, seriously? Name's Gerald. All right. So 14 years, and then, no, Jeremiah. Seriously, please, for the love of fucking God, please,

pretty please with a fucking cherry on top. Remember the big gay calendar you want me to push? See, it's like, you can't, all right. Okay, so let's talk about this uh it's not a gay calendar man it is it's a gay calendar okay so kirsten uh so 14 years you were with this guy and you find out he's wearing your lingerie and other stuff so then then what happens? So then I divorce him, but I take him to court because after 10 years of marriage, it's 50-50, right? Whoa. Look at you.

I did not want him to take any of my lingerie with him. Damn. Did he at least get half your lingerie? All right. So then how long ago was this? How long ago was the divorce? 10 years ago. 10 years ago.

And for the last 10 years years you've been single? Mm-hmm. A lot of dating, though. A lot of dating. Whoa. Dude. And what tends to happen? Okay.

Very good. What tends to happen on these dates where you think it goes wrong? Let's try something here. Let's try something fun. Okay. All right? Between me and you you let's say that we're on a date right now okay and we're having dinner no jeremiah you can't do that either

let's try to just let's just try to get control i'll let you how about this how about this this is what my school teacher used to do for me if if if the slut stays away we'll give you we'll give her her own minute after this interview okay How's that? Is that fair? Would you guys like to see a minute from the slut puppet while we interview this? Seems like the crowd really wants that. So it's like then everything will be good and we'll all get what we want.

So let's say we're on a date right now. We're having dinner. And then I say something like so what do you want to do after this? Oh, yeah. That's, I think, my problem. I go right in.

No, no, no, no. We're on a date right now. We're on a date. So, hey, what do you want to do after this? I'm all stuffed. We've had a couple drinks. What do you say we go back to my place and hook up? Let's do it.

Wow. Then that shouldn't be a problem then. There must be something that you say before that where everything goes wrong. What do you think it is? What do you think you say on these dates that scares people? Can my 46 cats watch? Yeah, maybe. That was me.

She takes a paper bag off her head. Extended labia? Well, no, they wouldn't know about that yet. What if she says something about it? I'm normal. I don't understand. I'm a catch. Extended labia? Well, no, they wouldn't know about that yet. I don't know. What if she says something about it? I'm normal. I don't understand. I'm a catch. I am definitely a catch.

I don't get it. There must be. So maybe that's the problem. So is herpes is a catch, too. But I mean, people don't want that. This is so awkward. No, it's not. It's not awkward at all.

Would anybody like to date me in this room? All right. Thank you. Look right there. They've had a therapist and a manager out of that camera so far. There's also a guy in the corner who had AIDS. There's an AIDS guy over there, too. Yo, we got a desperate white single bitch on stage right now.

Any takers? Come on. I like her idea. Is there any guy in this room that will go on a date with Kirsten Freed? What was that? He's saying what that checking account looks like. I mean, she's got a scarf.

What do you think? That's a Kirkland scarf. That's a Kirkland scarf right there. What does the checking account look like? I like this. This... Oh, I gotta take her straight. Alright, come up here. Sir, come on up here. This is a random

audience member. Let's see what happens here. Kirsten trolling for dick. I can't think of a better way to continue with this episode than... Oh, shit. Look at this guy. Oh, my God.

Look at this. You might be going on a date with Waluigi. Oh, my God. I'm a Wario, and I'm gonna win. Jesus Christ. This guy's gonna shoot his red shell There you go

My god Hello, what's your name, sir? My name is Geraldo Rivera This is incredible My name is Tover Mara Wow So, Kirsten, what do you think about this guy?

He's a good-looking young man. He's got fucking... He looks completely stable. What do you think, Kirsten? I don't think so. Whoa! Wow! I've never seen anything like this.

This is mind-boggling. Yo, this some cold shit. He volunteered his tribute, and then you turned down his tribute. This is mind-blowing. You said that you wanted a guy. What is it about this guy you don't like? Oh, my God, there's so many things. Whoa!

Oh, my God. Is there anything you want to say to her in revenge for this situation? I'm not surprised. Oh, my God. Jeez. Wow. Do you want to date a puppet? Wow.

It's true. No? Man, now you're being picky. This is incredible. I mean, you would think that these people would settle for someone in their own fucking field. These threes are acting like nines right now. So, Kirsten, I'm

curious. Like you said, so much is wrong with this guy that you wouldn't go on a date with him. Not even a date? What about a kiss? Will you kiss him? What? That's like beyond the date. Oh, yeah. I think we're

finding out exactly why you're not getting anyone. Thank you. Alright. This makes sense, Kirsten. Completely. That is interesting. Yo. Will you kiss Leon? Oh, would you kiss Leon? Oh would you kiss Leon?

Yeah Whoa Here we fucking go Oh shit Whoa Look at that Man this bitch got thin white lips I love it Look at that. Man, this bitch got thin white lips.

I love it. What an incredible moment. How about one more time for Waluigi being a good sport? Thank you. And one more time for Kirsten Freed, everyone. There goes Kirsten Freed. Hell yeah. Look at this drawing from Ryan J. Ebel.

Unbelievably complete. Very extremely detailed. Has Ryan Sickler. Has Trevor Wallace. I fucking love it. How about another hand for the great Trevor Wallace? He was here for the first time tonight. Check out his tour dates at TrevorWallaceComedy.com.

Check out his podcast, Stiff Socks. How about another big hand for the great Ryan Sickler, everybody? Honeydew. The one and the only. We had so much fun on it. You know when that comes out?

Is that already out? Couple of weeks. Oh, okay. Be on the lookout for that episode a couple weeks away. I'm on that show, too, so check out my episode.

Yeah, exactly. Another great episode. Subscribe. We're going to Dallas this weekend. too, so check out my episode. Yeah, exactly. Another great episode. Subscribe. We're going to Dallas this weekend. Jeremiah's, too. Sacramento, San Francisco, D.C., and then Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney. Every Monday at the Comedy Store, Michael Bisping and Luis J. Gomez next week. And the entire Kill Tony band is doing stand-up comedy at the San Diego Comedy Palace

with William Montgomery, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez. So many fun things going on down there. And don't forget about the brand new Kill Tony Big Gay Band Calendar, everybody. It is a gay calendar. If you put it next to another calendar of its own kind, it will start trying to fuck it because it's a gay

calendar. How loud can this place get for the great Jeremiah Watkins, everybody? We got the slut puppet. We had Leon. We had so many highlights tonight, Gerald. What else is going on?

Thank you so much. Follow me on social media, at Jeremiah Stand-Up. And Mark Normand is my guest on Jeremiah Wonders this week. Wow, I love that. Chroma Chris over there on Guitar Batted 1000 tonight. He was absolutely on fire. Chroma, what do you think about tonight's episode?

Well, like my friends, I think we all would like to give it a hand. Also, be sure to follow me, Dragon the Swamp Rats. We've got a tour coming up at the end of October. I love it, man. I love it.

And how about one more time for the one and only, the legend killer, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody. Wow. So much fun. Mostly sorry on social media. Catch him beating people up at 10th Planet Jiu-Jitsu. That's right. What else, Joel? Shout out to Ludwig Drums, LA Speed Weed every week. Tate Fletcher and

Lacey Mackey from Caveman Coffee for keeping us pumped up every week. Thank you. Absolutely. We love you guys. The amazing Nitro Cold Brew is my favorite thing in the world. Live audience, I had so much fun with you guys tonight. This was a fun episode. David Lucas, William Montgomery, the great Gary Clark

Jr. So many cool people here. We love you guys. Thank you guys for coming out. Thanks a lot, guys. RyanShayouBelt.com for the new Kill Tony book. Goodbye, livestream. We love you guys. Good night. Good night.BGMご視聴ありがとうございました you