KILL TONY - KILL TONY #396 - DALLAS #1

Episode Date: October 9, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 10/03/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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It's only $14. $14? Now that's a vacation I can get behind. Deal so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. We also have a bunch of new tour dates.

We're going to be in Sacramento next week. We have two shows, October 16th and 17th. They might be sold out. Then we're followed by Kill Tony Mania 2 in San Francisco, October 18th and 19th. And that's four different shows. That's a lot of shows. Most of them are almost sold out, so you better get your tickets quick. Then we're off to Australia.

October 25th, we're going to be in Bisbon, Australia. October 26th, we're in Melbourne. October 27th, we're in Sydney, Australia. And then we're going to Washington, D.C., November 7th. And that's sold out, so we added a second show, and that's almost sold out. So if you live in Washington, D.C., there's your chance to get tickets. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates for all the ticket links and information. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com.

There he has his own stand-up tickets for sale. He's got some merch. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. RyanJEbelt.com. That's the house artist. He has a new book. Check out RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV.

There you have all the official Death Squad Universe merchandise. And a new Kill Tony shirt is going to be added very, very soon. So keep your eyes out for ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Hyenas in Dallas, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Come on, Dallas.

There's a lot of people listening to this. You can make more noise than that. Yeah. Look, everybody. Red Band's here. Hey. Fuck, yeah. This seems like fucking fun. Crazy-ass Dallas again.

We're back, guys. Again and again and again we find ourselves coming to beautiful Texas. We're happy to be here. Just landed. We all feel good. Refreshed. So let's just fucking keep this thing moving, shall we? You guys excited to be here

tonight? You all know what the fuck's happening. Clearly it's an exciting time to be in Dallas. We love this place and fuck yeah, we have some real fucking to be in Dallas. We love this place. And fuck yeah, we have some real fucking tough guys out here. Look at this fucking guy. Oh, yeah. He's got his sunglasses on the back of his shirt like a real Texan.

Fucking. All right. Whatever, man. Got some real fucking stoned motherfuckers in the audience. This is goddamn. Everybody has a little infinite CBD in them around here. It seems like a happy, relaxed group of people.

Not a lot of depression or anxiety or anything like that. We've been using it ourselves. I just gave it to my man from Portugal. What's his name? Oh my God. Fuck. Just gave it to my buddy from Portugal. Man, and it's helping him with his back.

It helps a lot of people. We love infinite CBD. I don't know if you guys know this, but they offer the cleanest, healthiest, and purest forms of CBD available. It's grown organically in Colorado, and it tested over 99% CBD. Research shows it treats a lot of the things that we've always suffered with, right? Insomnia, anxiety, depression. And with back to school season, we wanted to make some recommendations for our listeners going back to school. Yeah.

Do you know they have CBD lube? Like if you're using lube with your lady, why not put some CBD in it? Why not? Right? It'll make you relax. She'll relax. They have detox shots. So like the next day when you're all hungover, you take some

CBD detox shots. And it helps with, has like ginger and beet root in it. And it's formulated with milk thistle. That's good for your liver. Yeah. Yeah. And beef root. Beef root. I like the CBD AM pills.

They keep me from drinking too much coffee. And it's a healthy alternative. Go to InfiniteCBD.com, and if you use the promo code TONY15, you get 15% off. How about that? There you go. That's done. No more of those.

That was beetroot, by the way. I like to say beefroot. You know, when in Dallas, a place where there's a lot of, look, that's this guy's middle name, fucking Jacob Beef Fruit fucking Jenkins over here. The turnaround thing only doesn't even work once. You guys can't even see what's going on. But let's just keep this fun train moving along. As with all of our road episodes, we're going guestless tonight.

However, we do have a band. And the band is with us. You know them. You love them. You know I love them. One of my favorite things in all of comedy, every episode, instead of being a typical band, they dress up like characters. Sometimes it's a brand-new character we've never seen before. Sometimes it's the return of some of the amazing characters that we have seen before.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Oh, I'm telling you, I recognize that music. I know what that music could be. Oh, yes. Oh, we have seen these guys before. Wow.

Billionaires. Wow. They have gigantic wads of cash. They are some of the most famous characters in Kill Tony history. We have not seen them in a long time. These are definitely the billionaires. Am I correct?

Yes, you embers little. Is your pipe stuck to your mustache, billionaire? Billionaire? The adhesive caught on your little pipette. I'll have to fire the immigrant that cut my hair. Remind me of...

Oh, my cell phone's going off. Yes, mother, the loan will transfer soon. Wow. Billionaire, remind me, what is your name? Reginald Fontaine III. Wow, that is... That's a lot. And then...

And then very clearly we have over here Sonic the Hedgehog's Mexican grandfather. This is very impressive. I've never seen such a brown man with such light features. Hair almost seems like your mustache is white cotton. You make it up when he can transition into a white man, Tony. The name's Timothy Burgington. Hey.

Timothy Burgington. Man, you can tell that is a made-up white name. Burgington. You don't really, there's no, like, that's two types of white that you're mixing together there. Burg is normally Jewish. You all look the same to me. Wow, all right.

I like it. So we have billionaires, we have Brian Soundboard, which brings us to this, ladies and gentlemen. It's the one and only Dallas' Own. This is not an urn holding the ashes of an oil tycoon. No, a bunch of comedians signed up before the show to get the chance to come on to this stage and try or do stand-up comedy for 60 seconds and then get interviewed by me and these great, great billionaires that you have up here.

You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Oh, you could barely hear that kitten. Come on. Alright. There you go. Red band. No reason at all. Wrap it up then or else you're gonna bring out the angry Oak Lawn Bear.

You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? Wow. I see some celebrities in the audience here. Look at this. Stand up and wave to these people. You guys remember this creepy motherfucker? Frightening, frightening human being.

Let's see what happens here tonight. I'm going to say this. This is strangely one thing I noticed is that our ratio of audience to sign-ups is very low for Dallas. Not a lot of people signed up tonight. So I'm thinking we might see some familiar faces here tonight since I recognize about as many names that are in the bucket.

Put your hands together for Zach Rippey. Zach Rippey, getting the party started. Here we fucking go, Dallas. The show begins now. Here he is, your first comedian of the night, Zach Rippey, everyone. Come on, give him a hand. So I went to a Blank 182 concert a couple months ago

And I noticed I was singing along every song word for word And then the next day I went to church And I know all the words at church as well And I was asking my wife, I was like, why am I embarrassed to sing at church But I'm not embarrassed to sing at Blank 182 She's like, probably because you're not drunk as shit at church, but I'm not embarrassed to sing at Blank 182. She's like, probably because you're not drunk as shit at church. Then I was like, all right,

I'm going to start treating church a little differently. I'm going to bring my coffee cup, kind of treat it like it's a Bud Light. You're a good, good father. It's who you are. All right, y'all don't really go to church because that shit would have hit super hard if y'all went to church.

And you know those people that like to sing and get really animated and put their hands up and stuff and praise well my wife is one of those people and i'm not and she just makes me look terrible when i'm just standing there like i'm waiting for the dna results on jerry springer and i don't really like the usher when they come down the aisle with that offering plate i'm kind of broke so i treat him like a homeless dude in downtown Dallas. Sorry, brother, no cash on me today. I got you next week, though, all right? All right, God bless.

Stay dry. There you go. Zach Rippey, everyone. Getting the party started. How's it going, Zach? It's going great. It's great to be here. How long you been doing stand-up for?

About two and a half years now. Two and a half years. Awesome. And is that true? Did you really go to a Blink-182 concert? Yeah, I thought everyone was going to say woo when I said it, but I guess not. Yeah. Why would you think everybody would go woo when you said that?

Because they're like the 90s Beatles, y'all. Come on, get with it. What the fuck did you just say? What are you talking're like the 90s Beatles, y'all. Come on, get with it. What the fuck are you talking about? The 90s Beatles? Oh my God, dude. No? No? Just me? You talked about church. That was the most sacrilegious

thing you've said up here. It is incredible to me that you would even speak such a monstrosity. Who's your second favorite? Nickelback? What else is in your CD player right now? Limp Bizkit was the 90s Rolling Stones. Who else do you like?

What other live shows have you seen lately? I saw Rick Ross on Sunday at the House of Blues. Oh, wow. Woo for that. All right, cool. The real one or the fake one? Well, the only one does music, Brian, so that'd be pretty crazy if he paid for a ticket

to go see a former crack dealer that just does nothing but whine about how there's a more famous Rick Ross. It could have been a book signing. Yeah, Rick Ross writing a lot of books. It'll be an event when he reads a book. Oh. You can't even joke about, okay, about former people that spend most of their life in prison

not being able to read. Okay. God damn it. So, Zach, what do you do for work? I'm a part-time waiter, and I do stand-up five nights a week, hitting those mics, you know? What do you mean a part-time waiter? What does that mean? I work less than 22 hours, so I don't qualify for insurance. Fuck them.

Wow. My goodness. How long have you been waiting tables for? Since my son was born, when I was 19, so I'm 26 now, seven years. Wow, that's how you do the math when you have a son at 19? Pretty much, yeah. You're surviving, dude. That's how you do the math. You still with the baby mama? No.

Yeah? Yeah. What happened? Was it like a one-night hookup? No. We called Blink the Beatles of the 90s. We were together for four years, and then we split up, and then she joined the military, and then she met a girl, and then we split up and then she joined

the military and then she met a girl and then now they're married. Oh, shit. My son has three moms. It's no bigs. Damn. Do you regret not eating better pussy back in the day? Because clearly I like to think I was highly qualified.

So I think the lesbian in the front loved that joke. Did you see that? No, I'm just kidding. In the car, I just can't wait. Can't believe my ex-wife is gay. Hell yeah. Oh, shit. I'm like, will you hold my hand?

She's like, I don't like men. This is the Beatles of the 90s. Dude, John Lennon right here, dude. Heck yeah. So she went to the military and let's face it. I mean, some chick ate your baby mama's pussy. How did you find out about this? Well, she dated somebody else earlier in her...

Drop down and eat me, pussy! All right. What branch of the military was she in? I mean, I know what branch she ended up on, but what'd she start with? Air Force, and her wife now was Army. Heck yeah. She got her red wings after all. Air Force.

Fucking unbelievable. All right. So how did she tell you? Did she call you from an overseas call? Fucking unbelievable. All right. So how did she tell you? Did she call you from an overseas call? No, she had a girl that she was kind of, I guess, talking to, and she put up a picture on Instagram that said, will you be my girlfriend while she went down a roller coaster?

And then it kind of solidified that she's dating somebody that's a woman now. She posted a picture of her holding a sign that said, will you be my girlfriend while going down a roller coaster. That's gay. Yeah. Yeah. Shit. It's incredible. And you were like,

where are you? I am so sorry. I cannot eat. I cannot sleep tonight. I need somebody and always. You're so gay now. I cannot eat. I cannot sleep tonight. Oh, shit.

Oh, my. Don't waste your time on me. You're gay and I'll never find love again. I miss you. Did you teach her a lesson? Did you teach her a lesson when all this happened? Did you go start fucking dudes like a real gentleman?

What was your answer to all this? I didn't have a lot of hate in my heart, man. I go to church, man. I was just like, whatever makes you happy. Oh, there you go. So you fucked a little boy.. I go to church. Whatever makes you happy. There you go. You fucked a little boy. Now I get it. That's what you do. Michael Jackson was the Sandusky of the 90s. I love it, baby.

It has begun. Wow. Billionaire Berg. Oh, I get it. That's why you're Birkington. As you can tell, I brought weed from California with me here today. You can now fly out of LAX with up to an ounce. A little fun fact. You can fly in

and out of LAX with up to an ounce of pot. Just a little fun fact for you all to know. It's more fun flying out if you're wondering. I wouldn't fly in because that means you'd have to leave Texas. Yeah. Okay. You're just not allowed to land. And you can fly

with nine ounces of gold before you can claim it. Wow. So, Zach, anything else crazy we need to know about you? I mean, this is insane. I love your little fucking story. You're a really good interview. Yeah, thank you, man. No, I just had a baby eight weeks ago.

Oh, another baby. Oh, shit. With my wife, yeah. Dude, if I was you, I would be there eating her pussy right now before she leaves you. We know what happens. A few months after you have these babies, you're like, oh, I'm going to give that a little while to heal up. And some other woman will bust those stitches. You know what I'm saying?

She will go in there. That's what these lesbians do. They untie stitches with their fucking tongues. They're unstoppable. Am I right? You know. Absolutely. She was You know, absolutely. She was natural birth too.

I love it. This lady, by the way, the lady I keep calling a lesbian has a massive smiling husband behind her. And I would just like to say that I appreciate you, sir. You have a great sense of humor. Zach, anything else crazy? Any other fun facts or hobbies before I appreciate you, sir. You have a great sense of humor. Zach, anything else crazy? Any other fun facts or hobbies before I let you go?

Nah, man. That's about it. Just trying to survive out here. Trying to make it in this stand-up game and love everybody. You have any local gigs coming up soon or anything like that? Yeah, I'm doing a Dallas Comedy House tomorrow night. Hey, wait, wait, wait. I got shows tomorrow night. You're not going up against me, bro.

You got to pick another weekend if we're talking about Dallas. I got two stand-up comedy shows here tomorrow. Two more on Saturday. The whole Kill Tony group doing spots beforehand. And also we added another Kill Tony show this Saturday at 4.30. A little fun fact for you if you don't know. This Saturday, 4.30 here. Because this one sold out.

We want to let you know that we appreciate you and love you so much, Dallas. It's incredible. So, Zach, amazing story. Your wife leaving you, letting you know by basically Instagram. I mean, going down on a roller coaster as if she's not going down on enough things. Just mind-boggling to me that that's how you do it. From being strapped into having a strap-on. All right.

I fumbled it. You got what I meant. It happens. Put your hands together for your first comedian of the night, Zach Rippey, everybody. Giving us a good honest story He knows what's interesting about him There's two stairways here people

It's not the craziest thing If you're literally sitting in that section To come this way But if you can if you're coming from anywhere out there Try to come down this middle aisle way Or this one There's a little more cords over here Alright You guys from anywhere out there, try to come down this middle aisle way or this one. There's a little more cords over here. Alright. You guys having

fun out there? We're just getting started. We are only just beginning here. Let's see what the fuck is gonna happen next. Put your hands together for Nikki. It's Nikki with an exclamation point. Oh, we know Nikki.

We've seen Nikki before. Come on, everybody. One more time for Nikki. What's up, everybody? Where's my girls at? Yeah, pussy's overrated. I say that because I'm a bisexual man. Or other known as half gay.

But, yeah, no, I say that because I'm in a gay relationship now. Ladies, come on. Fellas. Anyways, pussy's overrated. It costs too much money, too much time. Y'all are tripping. We need equality. Those aren't jokes. I'm just telling you, too much time. Y'all are tripping. We need equality. Those aren't jokes.

I'm just telling you. We need equality. How you doing? Fuck yeah. Right before he goes into crowd work at exactly a minute. I'm going to stop you right there, Nicky. I don't want to know how that was. Which one of you did he ask? Oh, yeah, of course. Little fucking ball of charisma over here.

A little fucking. Alright, Nikki, let's talk about it. You are fucking gayer than everything. I like your style though. And let me tell you this. There was something about your bisexual half gay joke that I absolutely loved. I mean, it's on the nose, but the way you said it, like there was a moment there where you executed, you don't really, do you do a lot of standup? No, man, I haven't done it actually

since the last time I came on here. Into blowing crafty gay dudes. Joe Rogan is clearly calling in for the first time ever. That's interesting. We've never had that before. Joe, are you there? Blowing crafty gay dudes. He's never done this before in the history

of the show. That's incredible. Joe, are you a fan of Nicky? You know, like, what did you do? You used to have sexual guys? I tried it for a little while because I was so excited. Stop this. you used to have sexually, guys? I tried it for a little while because I was just so excited. Okay, stop.

Stop this. Stop this. This is like the only thing we can do to get canceled. Wow, that was so randomly perfect. We cannot play clips of Joe Rogan. For a second, I thought it was brilliant and then I'm like, okie dokie. Did you hear that Joe Rogan. For a second, I thought it was brilliant and then I'm like, okie dokie. Did you hear that Joe Rogan openly

came out as gay on the Kill Tony podcast? He waited for Dallas to tell people. I was just open-minded and I just realized I was lying to myself. It wasn't my plan. Oh! No, stop it! Oh, fuck.

That was good weed. Oh, my God. Nikki, I can't believe it. You have the power. We've never had this in the history of the show. You have the power to summon Joe Rogan as a guest on this show. We've never even seen this before. We've been doing this show six years. Why do you think it is that Joe Rogan only appears on this show,

unless he's been a guest a few times, but only appears seemingly without a god? Well, actually, the first time I actually saw the podcast in real life was at the Comedy Store, your fifth anniversary, and Joe Rogan was there. Maybe. Maybe. I said, like, you still fuck guys, and then stop,

and you never listen to him ever again. What is this? What special is this from? This is insane. Happy shiny jihad. Oh my god. I did the album cover. Oh my god.

So Nikki, remind us, what do you do for work? You look like you were born in a Petri dish in Beverly Hills. I think all these people are interested to know. No, I actually come from upstate New York. Single mom, 800 square foot, two bed, one bath home. Wow. Why the two? Just out of curiosity. I'm just clarifying that because you're kind of profiling me.

But anyways. How does it feel? I profiled you as someone born and raised in Beverly Hills and you're offended by that? Yeah, dude. Is this the fucking world we live in now? Yes. Let's check in with my billionaire friend there. The one, the only, Reginald.

Fontaine the Third. Fontaine the third Can I just say Pussy is not overrated When you have all the money in the world That's a good point That's when it's not What do you like to have women do for money Reginald

Poop on my toenails Poop on your toenails What a specific thing that is It costs so much money. Oh my god. I bet here in Dallas you could probably find a good girl to poop on your toenails for

nominal rate. Whoa. There's one fucking chick who's always wanted to poop on a guy's toenails over here. Wow. Is it you? Are you the one that wants to... who's always wanted to poop on a guy's toenails over here. Damn. Wow. Is it you?

Are you the one that wants to? We heard people screaming outside earlier, so it's down. All right, forget it. We got a wild one over here. If you can summon a poop, I will let you poop on my toenails. If you can summon it, I will let it happen. All right, Reginald. So, Nicky, tell us more about you.

You've been on this show a couple times. Remind these people. And how long have you lived in Texas? Nine years. Nine years. Do you find it to be an interesting place to live as a bisexual male? Actually, yeah. In Dallas, it's pretty common.

A lot of... Cowboys? Spend a lot of your time. male? Actually, yeah. In Dallas, it's pretty common. A lot of... Cowboys? Spend a lot of your time. Not really, but yeah. I mean... When you're not... When you're not at the comedy club, when you're not at the comedy

club, are you usually at the Buyers Club? Anyway, I guess I'm not going to get an answer to that one. I don't even know what the fuck that is. The Dallas Buyers Club? What is it? Educate me. You've never heard of this? What is it? Tony is the president. How do you not know about this? Educate me. You've never heard of this? What is it?

Tony is the president. How do you not know about this? There you go. Very good. Thank you, Reginald. Very good. But actually, I am the president. It is a club in which... I don't know. It's a fucking movie, man. What are you talking about? It's a movie. It's a whole thing.

It's about AIDS medicine. Next question, please. I think you're playing dumb with everybody. I don't know what you're talking about. You've never heard of a movie called Dallas Buyers Club? No, but I'll look it up after. You lived in Dallas for nine years? No, four years.

No, wait. Five years. Doesn't matter. Forget it. Something like that. Wow. I did Fort Worth for like four years What do you like to do for fun, Nicky? I like to spin I like to

Spin on what? Throbbing cocks For sure What? Joe? No, spinning on an indoor cycling bike. Oh, cool. That's what you call them.

Yeah. So let's talk about bisexuality for a moment. Like, what's your guy-to-girl, girl-to-guy ratio? Like, how far do you lean? You sort of like, you know, it's like politics. Like, you agree with some policies. I mean, honestly, I'm more in love with the person, like the soul. Wow, you are gay.

Got me there. Reginald, you're killing me tonight. No, but I mean in a physicality sense, it really doesn't matter for me. I like cock, I like tits, I like it all, but I like a beautiful person, and I'm in a committed relationship with a man. That's Mario. So, I mean, you know...

How long have you been with this guy? Nine months. Oh, that's cool. He must have a little bun in the oven or something like that. Nine months. A little cum in the oven. Yeah. Hey, look at that.

A little fucking sticky honey bun, huh? Something like that. Something like that. I bet. A little cream filling. Whoa, Jesus. When you say it. Oh, whoa.

When you say it, it's too much. Wow. What does he do? He actually owns the spin studio that I like to spin at. Whoa, hell yeah. Answers the age-old question, spin or swallow? Oh, shit. How does this guy look like an 80s gay guy and also an 80s bully who bullies the gay guy at the same time?

Reginald Fontaine. Someone ate his pepperoni pizza before this show tonight. Somebody's blood sugar is up. He's not going to lose a leg tonight. Oh, wow. So that's cool. Did you meet him at spin class? Actually, I met him in Aspen at Gay Ski Week.

Wow. I mean, you guys probably put the S in Aspen. So it's incredible. Yeah. Did you say Gay Ski Week? Gay Ski Week. They have a whole week. That's a real thing? How do you tell where the snow starts and the come ends?

Oh, you just look... You just... You look for the rainbow flags. It goes from cold to hot. Yeah. Aspen. Gay Ski Week. It's like...

So that's when everybody in Aspen that lives there takes their own vacation. Okay, good to know. I'm kidding. Wow. What's the gayest thing you saw at Aspen Gay Ski Week? You see two guys butt-fucking while skiing or anything like that? Red band! Yeah, you got it.

That's your one fart noise. There you go. So what's the gayest thing you saw? We're so... We're just interested to know. The gayest thing I saw was myself riding the gondola down the mountain. Riding a dog? Gondola down the mountain.

Oh, man. I thought you said dog-ula for a second. What the fuck is a dog-ula? I didn't know, but I was picturing, like, a dog that sort of looks like a second. What the fuck is a dogula? I didn't know, but I was picturing a dog that sort of looks like a vampire. I don't know what you guys do. I didn't know gay ski week was a thing. Yeah, dude, you don't know about dogula, man? Fuck it.

Alright, Nicky. Well, I like your style, man. You're a different type of different type of fucking character, for sure. An outgoing bisexual man that just lives right in the fucking I would say heart of Texas, but I think probably

you're right near the groin of Texas. Right? And we love you on this show. It's always a fun interview. You guys are awesome. I love you guys coming to Dallas. And again, when you were when you sort of lost yourself there between 20 and 30 seconds into your set, you relaxed and you were funny for a bit.

Yeah, man. I didn't practice anything. I just kind of... Look, I get it. And that's oftentimes why some people do better than others. Some people overpractice. Some people practice just the right amount and then get in their fucking head. Some people feel like the crowd's against them. Some people practice just the right amount and then get in their fucking head. Some people feel like the crowd's

against them. Some people this. Some people that. Point is that you did good for a second in what you shot out to do and it was a fun interview. There he goes, Nicky, everybody. He's Nicky Dallas. There he goes. I almost wanted to say bye. Put your hands together for your next comedian,

Matt McElhoney. Here he is. Here's Matt. Matt. I just got my 23andMe results back, and it turns out I am 0.8% Nigerian, which I wasn't expecting, but anyways, here goes my N-word joke. So my skateboarding friend came up to me recently and said,

guess what, Matt? I just mastered the inward heel flip. I said, the inward heel flip, is that racist? He was like, no, what are you talking about? I said, well, let's back it up a second. What do the black skateboarders call it? He said, Matt, you fucking idiot. I mean inward.

As in the opposite of outward. I was like, yeah, Jonathan, I know it's not outwardly racist. I'm just asking. Overall. Hell yeah. Matt McElhoney? McElhoney?

McElhone. McElhoney. McElhone. It rhymes with tackle zone. That's what I said. McElhone. McElhone. Yeah, perfect.

Matt McElhone. Hell yeah, man. Great set. Do you do only exclusively N-word jokes? Mostly, yeah. I like that. Since the 23andMe. No, I don't, of course.

I like that. I love this comedian. You like racial humor, Reginald? It's well-crafted, yes. Matt, how long have you been doing stand-up? Two years at the end of this month. Two years. You've been on this show before?

Once in Houston. Yeah. Was that fun? Yeah, it was a blast. Yeah, that's great. We love Houston here. You guys from Houston out there? Yeah.

Wow, look at that. Big announcements coming right around the corner for Houston, so congratulations to you. So, Matt, let's talk about it. Two years in the game, what do you do for work? I lift, and I get disability money from the Army. Yeah, that's right. I hate

this commission. Disability from the Army, you said? Yeah. Oh, wow. What'd you do? Wait a second. Are you the lesbian that turned the guy's wife to the... Sorry, Zach, my bad. Wow. What'd you do in the army?

I was an air traffic controller, but in Afghanistan I was a C2 operator. On the back of Blackhawks, I programmed radios. Wow. I'm pretty sure the last comedian liked Blackhawks as well. So that seems like a fucking shady ass job. ATC for in Afghanistan. You're just standing out in the middle

of the desert fucking having to move and God only knows. I mean everybody wants to attack an airbase more than anything, right? Yeah, of course. But we didn't do air traffic control over there. Everyone got tasked out to do different stuff. Basically, civilians do air traffic control in Afghanistan.

Right. They have to put their own kind out there. Yeah. If anyone's getting blown up, it's going to be fun. Anyway. Wow. How long were you overseas? I was there for a year, and then I was in Korea for two and a half years.

Ooh, Korea, just for fun, huh? Yeah, I mean, it was fun. Really? What would you do over in Korea? What would you like about it? A lot of drinking. We got really into the culture, too, though. I learned how to read Korean and shit, so.

Ah. Yeah. A lot of sake. Yeah. Well, it's not sake. It's soju, but yeah. Oh. Soju. Soju.

Reminds me of Ari Shafir popping on last Monday. Reminds me a lot of my business partners. Soju. I served you. You get it because I'm filthy rich. What else did you do for fun in Korea? I mean, I play pool. They have weird pool tables over there, so, you know.

What are you doing? That. Are they slanted, or what's wrong with them? Real question? They actually are slanted. The pockets are slanted outwards. Not inward? Right. Did you hook up with any Korean ladies when you were out there?

No, I was married at the time. She came with me. Oh, wow. You brought your wife with you to Korea? Yeah. My goodness. Didn't work out for me in the long run. Why was that?

She left as soon as we got back. I guess she liked Korea, but not Texas. Did she go back to Korea? No, she didn't. Oh. But she left you when you got back. I guess she liked Korea, but not, you know, Denton, Texas. Did she go back to Korea? No, she didn't. Oh. But she left you when you got back. Right.

How long were you guys together for? So 10 years altogether, seven years of marriage. Wow. Any kids? No. Oh, that's good.

Yeah. She just had a kid last week, actually. Oh, wow. And we're still technically married. Like, yeah. I have to go to

an adoption agency at 1 p.m. tomorrow to sign a paperwork. Wait a second. Hold an adoption agency at 1pm tomorrow. Wait a second. Hold on one second. Let me do the math on something. I'm not even kidding. She just had a kid last week? Yeah. When the fuck did that first guy say that he had a kid?

Didn't he just have one? Anyway. I don't know. There's a lot of weird shit going on here. I'm finding out a lot of weird shit going on here. I'm finding out a lot about the army tonight. Wow. You're still married to this woman and you are having to adopt a kid for her?

So, all right. It's been three years since we separated and I never bothered to make it official. She got pregnant and moved. She lives in Michigan now. And so I'm going to sign adoption paperwork because she's giving it up for adoption. I don't think she knows who the dad is.

Whoa. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Oh my god. Wait a second. Very funny. Because I just purchased a baby in Michigan Wow what are you gonna end up doing With this guy's ex-wife's baby

Train it to be a monster like myself What a lucky boy Yeah that's what I was thinking That's a lucky kid right there Yeah The reality of the situation Is the baby that you're giving up for adoption will never have it that good. He'll be shitting on toes. Or she.

What else, Matt? What do you like to do for fun now that you're back home in Texas? I mean, I do a lot of comedy. Play pool, play video games. Yeah. Yeah. Huh. Huh.

Yeah. Two years in comedy. Huh. Wow, you sound like you would have made a great father. Did you think maybe you and your wife could get back together and raise this kid? Not interested. I've been in a relationship for two years now, so. Okay.

Yeah. Wow. Did you go blacker? No, I went whiter. Whiter? Yeah. Oh, more of a cue ball man. Wow. Did you go blacker? No, I went whiter. Whiter? Yeah. Oh, more of a cue ball, man. Nice.

All right. Well, I mean, I don't know. I'm not really getting much out of you. Yeah. You're very funny, man. Your jokes are great. You have any, like, thing from your childhood or family-wise that makes you special at all? I mean, I got jokes about my dad not being around,

but other than that, it's just like... No, no, no, that's not even the question that I asked you. Oh, okay. But no, you had a great set, man. Thanks for coming up. There he goes, Matt McElhoney. McElhoney. McElhoney.

What a really sad man. What's that? That guy is making me really sad. That last guy was making you sad? Oh, wow. That's getting a little taste of your own medicine, huh? Put your hands together for your next comedian. Goes by the name of Preston, everyone.

Preston. Maybe Preston. I wish that you would step back, step back from that ledge, my friend. I wish that you would... Preston? Wow. Is this humanly possible?

Somebody get fucking the coldest of feet? Maybe it's an M? Is there someone that's Prestom? Kreslin? Mind if you hear Prestom? Bad handwriting. But there you go. Nobody signed up with a one-word name like that?

Interesting. Put your hands together for Steve Lee, everyone. Steve Lee. It's happening live. Kill Tony Dallas. He just went to the bathroom. Oh, there he is. Steve Lee, everybody.

This is terrible. I'm not the Steve Lee from Los Angeles. The little crippled Chinese guy. All right, well, actually I'm terrified, but not of you motherfuckers. I'm actually terrified of this fucking weed that's going around these days. My wife, she left town and left me with my fucking kids. So I took a shower, got out of the shower, butt naked, walking around. Instead of going in there checking on the fucking kids, I found a flashlight. So butt naked, I decided, fuck

it. Pulled my nutsack out, put the flashlight underneath my nut sack. I was looking at the ceiling. I had some fucking crazy shit. But I looked down at my fucking nut sack, and that's where the crazy shit is. It's in your fucking balls. Dude, shit was going around. All of a sudden, my door opened up. It's my fucking kids, and they're like,

what the fuck are you doing? I'm like, dude, I'm looking for your brothers and sisters, dude. Wow, Steve Lee. Fuck yeah. Keep that microphone. Keep that thing. After five years, I think I know how this works. Fuck yeah.

So you've been a fan of the show for a long time. Five years. Is that your first time doing stand-up comedy? First time being on stage in anything, y'all. Wow, look at that. Fuck yeah, man. I like your style, dude. I'm shaking like these other motherfuckers.

And you did really good. Everything felt genuine and real. Oh, that's real. Yeah, I believe it. That's real, man. I mean, the only thing I don't believe is my guess is that a guy like you puts a flashlight up to your ball sack. All you're seeing is a lot of pubes. I don't really think you're really seeing your balls. Am I right? Wow, there's a lot of pubes. I don't really think you're really seeing your balls.

Am I right? Wow, there's a lot of pubes. It's been confirmed by fucking Meghan McCain over here just hanging out videotaping this show. How are you? You realize you're both recording, right? You could just send each other the video.

Next week after work, I'll just show you this video. It'll sound good. There you go. Only one of you needs to just show you this video. It's all good. Only one of you needs to... Forget it. It's okay. This will also be on YouTube in a few days. It's all good. How big is this bush you speak of? Some billionaire

likes... It's disgusting. We know what he likes on his toenails. I think we're about to find out more. I'm an animal. Yeah, of course you are. Look at you. The carpet matches the drapes, as I always say.

So tell us about you, Steve. What do you do? What tattoo shop do you own? Well, I wish. Actually, this was back in the day whenever I did homemade tattoos. You called me over, I'd come over and do it. Hell yeah.

Had babies with this lady here. Put that microphone right up to that fucking cold sore umbrella you call facial hair. But no, actually I work for her dad. I truck from about 2 o'clock and then I'm a local

pinstriper and painter, custom painter. God, you're like a real fucking dude. Yeah, man. This is what I'm talking about. I spotted you out right from the beginning.

I'm like, that's a real fucking Texas guy. Yeah, and I can't look over my shoulder now because it don't work. Because there's a Mexican behind you. I actually tried to go

to the bathroom. Oh, it's all good. Orale, cabron. Orale. It's me family. He's one of the good ones. He's one of the good ones. I can tell.

That's why I turned my back to him. Hell yeah. I'm like, hey. What is your least favorite race, Steve Lee? Excuse me? What is your least favorite race, Steve Lee? Excuse me? What is your least favorite race of human beings? Nah.

Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah.

Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah.

Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah.

Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah.

Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. First ever white guy to get that sound effect on a Keltonian. No better way to get it. What's your Keltoni. The only reason, though. There's no better way to get it. What's your least favorite race of humans?

No. I was going to say Nigerian. No, don't do that. Don't do that. No. Only because my probation offer back in the day was Nigerian. He hated me, man. You're digging a deeper hole, Steve.

Digging a deeper hole. Just stick with me. Let me take over. Okay. All right. Okay, Steve, just. Digging a deeper hole. Just stick with me. Let me take over. Okay. All right. Okay, Steve, just relax. Take a breath. The momentum's taking over right now.

You're filled with adrenaline and fucking semen, obviously. You keep this up, we're going to get Nicky Boy back up here to suck you off real quick. I bet he can find his way through the forest. He's going to find.... He's gonna find...

He's gonna find his way through your forest like a fucking hobbit in Lord of the Rings. That's what he's gonna do. Yes, Nicky the jeweler will finally find his pearl necklace. He's been after it. Hell yeah. Only a place like this could Nicky and a guy like Steve Lee even be in the same room enjoying themselves, right?

You know what I mean? That's what I love about this show. You think you're ever going to run into Steve Lee at a fucking spin class? Are you fucking kidding me? What is that for? It actually inspired me to get up there. I'm like, this dude can get up there and just spill his guts. Heck yeah.

Well, no, thank goodness he didn't spill his actual guts or else there'd be semen everywhere. This place would look like a goddamn end of Ghostbusters 1, just marshmallow, blown out marshmallow everywhere. All right. So, Steve, man, such an interesting life. How many kids do you have? I have three.

My oldest boy, he's an Army Ranger. Wow. Yes. Army Ranger. How old is he? He's 23. Wow. Look at you.

You got a fucking 23-year-old, you grown-ass man. What are the other kids? You got one Army Ranger and two Power Rangers? Yeah, I a fucking 23-year-old, you grown-ass man. What are the other kids? You got one army ranger and two power rangers? Yeah, I got a yellow ranger at home. He's a bad motherfucker. I bet. His son is the white power ranger. Wow, Reginald.

Unbelievable. So what's the 16-year-old doing? He's actually the world's youngest pinstriper and painter. What's a pinstriper? Old school rides. I build a lot of old school rides. Like old classic cars. And then you do the pinstriping, custom graphics on it.

That's fucking awesome. We actually both do the Autorama every year. So y'all come out to Autorama and bid on some bitchin' Hot Rod art that me and him... When's Autorama? It's February 24th. Yeah, 24th through the 26th, and all the proceeds go

to Scottish Rite Hospital. There you go. Last year, we raised $28,000. There you go. That's a clean plug on this show. That's our good deed for the year 2020. That's very exciting. So thank you. Although we will be contributing to any children or sick people of any kind.

Yeah. Only problem is I can't let nobody watch this that I go pinstripe for because I talked about it. Because you talked about putting a flashlight up to your balls. I think they can handle it, dude. Well, actually, afterwards we go and have dinner with the kids and go upstairs and play with the kids, so I just will leave all the flashlights at home. Heck, yeah.

You son of a bitch. Unless we're bat-winging cripple kids. Wait a second. Whoa. I mean, really. Oh, I got more of that than a Nigerian. Okay, Steve, you really, really every you are the fucking human undertaker it is incredible you just fucking love digging yourself and i got more trouble for saying

cripple for the second time than i did saying fucking nigerian like shit though that's where this world's at i mean come on jesus i like how he still thinks that the worst thing that he said was about the thing Nigerian? No the other the ball sack was his worst thing but he's like but don't get me started on Nigerians

Oh I can't paint your house because of the Nigerians I thought it would be the ball sack comment No you're good Steve Don't worry about this stuff house because of the Nigerians, I thought it would be the ballsack comment. Ah, shit. No, you're good, Steve. Don't worry about this stuff. We're just kidding. No, we're not going to fucking do this. Tell us something else.

Tell us something else crazy about your life that we'd be surprised to know. You're from Texas, born and raised? No, no. Actually, I'm from... Born in San Diego. Went to... Yeah. Wow, big twist. Went, born in San Diego. Went to, yeah. Wow, big twist. Went to school in Palm Springs, and then came out in a Volkswagen bus, met her when I was 26. Uh-huh.

And visited my mom, she lived in Texas. Met her, knocked her up the first week I met her. You knocked up your mother the first week you met her? Yeah. Wow. Look at this fucking Easy Bake Oven over here, huh? 17 years later, I got a

fucking accent. The first week you met her, you got her pregnant? I mean, were you already like coming inside of her? Is that just something you do? Are you like a bear or something like that? No, no, I'm on the pill. I was like, oh, yeah, that's cool. And I'm high as a fucking high.

Oh, she told you she was on the pill? Well, yeah. Oh, Steve, you're a fucking idiot, dude. Oh, my God. No, no, no, no. Sweet revenge. Five years later. Yeah.

Dismount. Boom. That's it. I guess pulling out is a rich man's game. I actually have a 10-year-old that I planted in her on purpose. Oh, you didn't tell her, but you wanted another kid. No, I didn't, but I just wanted to see what it felt like because two times I got trapped with both my oldest kids.

I wanted to see what it felt like to fucking trap a girl. I was like, well, fuck it. Wow, yeah, You really showed her. Making a human life. Catch us all next week on Impractical Jokers. I mean, what the fuck are you talking about? I don't know. Why did you impregnate another girl?

No, you're good, Steve. You're good. You're good. You seem like you're disappointed in this appearance. How many of you think Steve's been one of the most entertaining people up here all night?

We love you, Steve. You embody the essence of a fucking Kill Tony fan. This is for you. Take this. That's for you to have. You embody the essence of a fucking Kill Tony fan. You're a big... This is for you. Take this. That's for you to have. That's from the billionaires.

There you go, ladies and gentlemen. Steve Lee. Let's keep it moving along. He's on social media at... Instagram at Striper Steve Lee. All one word. Striper. This guy puts stripes on fucking automobiles.

That's a badass thing. She's getting pregnant again tonight. Yeah. She's going to get him back. You gotta get him back. Yeah, I'm gonna teach her a fucking lesson, dude. Bust a nut in that little fucking Texas

barbecue platter over there. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Jaren with a J. J-E-R-R-I-N motherfucking Jaren. Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen. In the flesh.

Jaren. Come on, one more time for Jared. What's up, Dallas? How's it going? Thank you, Tony, for coming back all the time. You want to know something sucks? That when you're an adult, when you're a kid, it's not that bad. Pissing your pants when you're drunk.

You wake up and your bed's all wet and stuff. And when you're a kid, you come home and your bed's made. It's all clean and stuff. And everything's tidy when you're a freaking adult. God damn, it's like Niagara Falls, right? You got to make, you got to freaking change the sheets, make the bed, everything. Yeah, it's a nightmare. That was a good one, huh guys? Yeah. All right, let's try another one. All right, so I got some Chinese food the other night. She delivered my order, and I gave her 30 bucks. It was only 20 bucks. I didn't have change, and she just put her hands over her chest and bowed to me. I was like, what the fuck? No one's ever done that to me before. So I bowed back.

And then she took my 30 bucks and left. So I was thinking, next time she comes to the door, I'm going to give her 10 bucks and bow to her and shut the door. Oh, there you go. Oh, yeah. This guy's going to... going to really screw over the Chinese food lady, huh?

She screwed me over, man. How's it going, Jared? It's going good. Heck, yeah. You are the world's largest eighth grader. I've always wondered when I was going to see it. You're just a big jolly boy talking about pee-peeing in your pants and getting Chinese delivery. Look at you. Wow.

How old are you? 32. About to be 33. 32 years old. You're a grown man with the spirit of, I feel like you're regressing in age, a 7th grader. I'll go with 7th grader now. I'll take that. I'll take that.

It's incredible. What do you do for work, Jaren? I'm a sales manager for a credit card processing company. Wow. My goodness. Stealing jobs from hardworking Indian men. That's right. Wow. Look at this

clap that's taking place. It's a special audience here tonight. There he is. This is like a Blink-182 concert. Wow. How long have you been doing that for, Jaren? Seems like a job you got about nine months ago? Seven years.

How long have you been doing that weird head bounce thing every time you talk? The last two minutes. This is your first time on stage? Oh, yeah. Wow, look at that. We're popping cherries up here. Wow.

My goodness. Is stand-up something you've always wanted to do, or how'd you end up here tonight? I always took an interest to it, and actually I went to one of your shows a few years ago and got into it, so I started listening to Kill Tony, and this is my fifth time to put my name in my bucket. How'd you end up at one of my shows a few years ago and got into it. So I started listening to Kill Tony. And this is my fifth time to put my name in my bucket.

How'd you end up at one of my shows a few years ago? Dude, just randomly in Fort Worth. Why is it your bucket? A girl on a random date. Look at that. You ended up being the comedian. Did you end up getting laid that night just out of curiosity? We had already went on a few dates.

Yes, I did. The answer is always yes. It's a fact if you see Tony Hinchcliffe live running a long stand up comedy set you get fucked that night everybody does if you don't end up hooking up with a girl my old friend Nicky will fuck the shit out of you

right before bed you just hit him up he's gonna come over do some good old butt guzzling and uh where's that girl now it's true from kill Tony to fill Tony He's going to come over, do some good old butt guzzling. Where's that girl now? It's true. From Kill Tony to Phil Tony.

Absolutely. From a bucket of destiny to a bucket of... All right. Back to you, Jared. So you're still with the girl. She's here. Oh, wow. My goodness. And you had only been on a few dates when you saw me with the girl. She's here. Oh, wow. My goodness. And you had only been on a few dates when you saw me at that time.

Just another fun fact. If you bring a girl that you really like to see a Tony Hinchcliffe show and you want it to be long term, it ends up working out. True story. Has she tricked you yet? Like, is she getting knocked up yet? Not yet. Yeah, she will. She didn't tell you that she's on the pill and you fell

for it like a big bearded dummy? He's waving that hundred bucks I gave him. He thinks it's real. Yeah. God damn it, it's not real. I'm going to come inside of it teaching a lesson. Wow. So, Jaren, tell us more about you, man.

Well, like I said, I've been doing credit card processing. I've always been looking for a billion dollar account over here. Uh-oh. I have a chance to sell a billionaire. Whoa. Wow, you're so funny. You should be on the current cast of SNL. It's incredible.

Your improv skills are just, I mean, wowsers. I mean, look, even fucking Roseanne Barr had to hustle back up here to see it. Roseanne's cool. That's not a diss. I love it. I called you a lesbian, and you loved it. I call you Roseanne, and you cringe.

Roseanne's a legend. Yes, you don't like rich lesbians? Anyway, over here, Jaren. What do you like to do for fun? You don't have kids. You're out there just fucking... You go to a lot of reggae concerts. Really? Reggae? Oh, wow. I know some guys that know a little something about reggae.

What's the last reggae concert you went to? Revolution? No, I don't know what that is. A little something about reggae. What's the last reggae concert you went to? Revolution. No, I don't know what that is. That fucking chick does back there. Is that her? Is that your girl back there? No. Oh.

You smoke a lot of pot? Yes. Really? How often? Every day? Throughout the day, yes. When you wake up, you smoke pot? Absolutely.

You wake and bake? Yes. What do you wake and bake out of? You have a few hits throughout the day. I got a bake? Yes. What do you wake and bake out of? You have a few hits throughout the day. I got a pen at work. What do you do? You smoke a joint throughout the day or a pipe or a water bottle? I got a stairwell next to my office.

Oh, a stairwell. Yeah. Let's check in with Reginald Fontaine. Yes, since he pisses the bed, he wakes and lakes. Since he pisses the bed, he wakes in lakes. How often do you piss your bed that you would come out guns ablaze and opening with that? Your first time on stage and you spent 40 seconds. I kind of botched that. I didn't mean to say when you were drunk, when you were a kid.

It might happen once every month or two if I drink a little too much. You botched it, you said? Once every month. Oh, I botched a lot, yeah. Wow. Yeah, you really shit the bed on that piss the bed joke. It's a lot more intimidating up here than you think it would be. Jesus.

No, it's a lot more intimidating up here than you think it would be. I just figured out what you look like. A cockatoo. Ah, yeah. Oh, shit. You're going to get Nicky back up here. He thinks you said A cockatoo. Ah, yeah. Oh, shit. You're going to get Nicky back up here. He thinks you said a cock or two. Nicky's like, what? What?

How about I end for Nicky? He's got such a great sense of humor. Oh, he's standing up. He stood up for that. There's cum running down his leg right now. He's giving it for that. There's cum running down his leg right now. He's giving it to everybody. Cum continuously running like David Goggins right out of him.

The weight just slipped on it. Nothing better than comparing David Goggins to cum flowing out of someone's butthole. The things that we say that we could easily... Imagine me getting a call from David Goggins like, yo, you's a bitch, man. You don't even run or nothing.

Over there talking shit like a bitch. I used to be like you. Alright. So, Jaron, anything else crazy we need to know about you? I mean, you seem like, yeah. I got called on The Price is Right one time. Whoa.

What happened? Come on down. Yeah. One in the Plinko, two in the Stinko? What are we talking about here? I wish. Fuck. What ended up happening?

I got called up last, got to bid once, and some woman bid right on top of me, and that was it. And then you get banned for 10 years. Wow. Yeah. You can go to the show, but they won't call you up. Did she do like the.1 or the penny over you? So when you get called up last, you bid first. Let's check in with Reginald real quick.

Yes, why do you look like you would rather go on the game show? The price is Alt-Right? That's stupid. That would have worked so much better for the last comedian. It's a great joke, though. Yeah, can you come back up here and tell the Price is Alt-Right story? Working with what I have! Jaren, I like your style, man.

I love it when people come on and do their first time with us. And thanks for doing it. There goes Jaren, everybody. We're going to keep flying through this bucket. See how many we can get through, huh? You're welcome. He's on Instagram at Jaren-D period. No, Jaren with a J. Period. D. Period.

Ashford. How about a hand for the amazing waitstaff here at... Oh, okay. That's a late name. It's just a regular name, huh? That's cool. I guess we'll allow it. Why not?

Yeah, for future shows. Put your hands together for Philip Garcia, everyone. Wow, big pop there. Hey, hey, bop, bop, bop. Yeah. How about a hand for the band, too? I'm just fucking killing it tonight. Here's Philip Garcia, everyone.

Y'all ever seen a really, really old veteran with a really old Asian woman? And wondered if he took her? Come on. Yeah. I haven't had an Amber Alert on my phone with a car newer than 2010. I don't think in ever.

It's because kidnapping is a poor people problem. It's a hard pill to swallow, right? But when I see 2003 Kia Sorento, I don't think that's my problem. I think he's going to need a jump in like 15 fucking minutes. Right? minutes. It's some dude at Valero and Odessa's fucking number one day.

You know what I mean? He's like, today's the day, ma. I'm gonna be on TV, everybody. Oh, shit. Two birds, I'm stoned. Thank you. Fuck yeah, Phillip Garcia Abso-fucking-lutely

That's how it's done I should have known when I heard that big pop When your name got said Seems like you have some fans out there, huh? Local comedian? How long have you been doing it, a few years? Two years, started in Houston, like two years ago Two years, started in Houston But now you ago. Two years. Started in Houston.

But now you live here in Dallas? Yeah, I grew up here. I went to school down there. What part of town did you grow up in? Hearst, Euless, Bedford. So mid-cities. Ah, Hearst. The mid-cities. Wow. Interesting stuff. Why are y'all cheering for the mid-cities? Heck yeah.

I think we have a lot of people from Mesquite out here tonight. That's what it seems like. Something like that. Maybe a couple Oak Cliffs, if you know what I'm saying. Is that a rich neighborhood? Oak Cliff? Yeah.

Yeah, no, no. Yeah. It's the nicest. Yeah. Getting nicer, that's for sure. They're trying over there. That's great. So I like your style.

You have an interesting, very comedic look to you. You look like a comedian. You look like somewhere between Zach Galifianakis and Nanette. So it's very funny. You have a good comedy look. How do you make money? I'm a waiter.

I actually work with Zach Rippey. He was on here earlier. Oh, wow. You guys are all at the same restaurant. Let's check in with Reginald Fontaine III. Yes, he looks like a caddy at a mini golf course. Yeah. Heck yeah. Maybe a fatty

at a mini golf course. Would you like a potter or butter? Heck yeah. Fuck yeah. The only iron this guy uses is the vitamin for his deficiency. Golf fat jokes, people. They're golf fat jokes. It was the whole way here.

I wrote here with five comedians and that was just fill your fat the entire time. Of course. It's a golf shirt you're wearing. Very hard nipples. Those are some fucking... Should I show them to the internet? You look like you drink the milk that comes out of them.

You know that's what those circle band-aids are for. Do you play golf? Just wear the merch. Yeah, I play golf. You do? Yes. How often? Once a week?

Twice a week? I usually try at least once a month, yeah. Wow. You use the car? An athlete. I go to this nine hole, so. Hell yeah. Nine hole?

Nine hole. My goodness. Oh, we just got Nicky excited again. We said nine holes. Nine holes? Oh my goodness. That's finally something for me to put my fingers into. I just need one more.

He's got a dick and tits. Whoa, I didn't even hear it. Whoa. My goodness. Jesus. I don't even know what happened there. I missed it Tell us something crazy about you Phillip

Any fun facts about you? I've had a colonoscopy And I'm only 23 Wow 23 year old Oh no Nikki's rushing the stage Who gave you a colonoscopy? Why'd you get a colonoscopy? Did you get a little Hot Wheels stuck up there?

It wasn't by choice. Nikki put it there. Sorry, guys. What happened? You tried to flashlight your balls like Steve Lee and accidentally sat on the flashlight? Yeah. Why'd you get a colonoscopy?

I was honestly shitting blood, so I was like, go get that checked out. Uh-huh. that on the flashlight? Yeah. Why'd you get a colonoscopy? I had some... I was honestly shitting blood, so I was like, go get that checked out. Uh-huh. And they found two precancerous polyps, and they have to go back

every three years. Wait, is that a thing that you should get checked out if you're crapping blood? Yes. Well, most... Interesting. Most of the time,

most of the time, it's just an internal hemorrhoid. It's not... Oh, my God. Reginald Fontaine III. Wow. I believe Reginald might need to see a proctologist, everyone.

It's probably from sitting on stools all around the country. In a hunched over position with a mini saxophone. Wow. So what'd they have to do to get those out? Would they go in with a little laser? Yeah, laser, clip and burn them, whatever they

do. Clip and burn. Did you get the rubber band thing too? No. Are you talking about lap bands? No. It's like a fat joke against shit. Where they wrap it around with rubber bands and let it turn black and die. Now, we've talked about this before, and this has nothing to do with this thing that we're talking about.

He's taking an opportunity to shoehorn his hemorrhoid stories into your pre-cancerous polyp. Any chance to... It's a rubber band litigation. Look it up. Any chance to bring in buttholes into the game over here? Hey, he's the one that brought in buttholes.

Hold on, Nicky's rushing the stage again. Alright. Wow. Phillip, what's your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that loves to masturbate gloriously into piles of stacks of Kleenex and you just shoot your cum right into the stack of Kleenex

and you call it 9-11 or something like that, right? Here comes the old plane of cum. Oh, no, such a tragedy. My bedroom's a mess. Yes, it's sad. I made a blanket out of the tissues. What's your love life like? I have a girlfriend in New York.

We've been dating for three years. Oh, yeah. You mean you've been dating her for three years. No, she just moved up there like six months ago. Six months ago. Wow, just imagine. I mean, plus they're an hour ahead right now. Just 1030 New York fucking city.

Yeah. It's okay. No, I'm just kidding. She must be unattractive for you to be so confident. She's like a solid eight, man. Wow, that's like a 2020. That's a 2020 joke right there. That's literally not ready to be seen.

You ever seen when they put like a weird cover on a car? Say you don't know like what's coming. Oh, the stickers. That's a good one. That kind of confidence. Just she must be a nobody knew what to do just then. I could feel it. It's like, no, that's hilarious, though.

You'll see. I'll do it again in 2020. Place will go crazy. Do you Skype every night? Like, do you do FaceTime every night and all that shit? Yeah, I just bought an iPhone so we could have quality video call. Wow. What'd you have before?

LG. It was a piece of shit. Ew. Heck yeah. Whoa. Some real a piece of shit. Ew. Wow. Heck yeah. Whoa. Some real LG haters over there. LG was the iPhone of the 90s. It's on fire, people.

Phillip, I mean, unbelievable set. I'm going to tell you this. You're 23, and that's fucking just frightening. You're a goddamn monster. You're going to be a killer your whole fucking life, obviously. Keep writing. Write as much as you can. Become obsessed with writing and just keep writing.

Write, write, write, write, write. Don't let this girl in New York distract you either. If she's going to live there a long time, that's going to be really hard. So unless you're deeply in love, which never happens to 23-year-olds, really focus on your work, man. And have you thought about moving to New York? I am in six months.

Oh, well, there you go. So he's moving to New York in six months. You're going to be something special, Phillip. There he goes. 23-year-old Phillip Garcia. You saw him here first on Kill Tony. You're going to say, I saw that fucking guy on the same episode

as Steve Lee, as Nicky. He was only 23. This is fun. Oh, you got a cowbell over there. Whoa. Oh my gosh. That's a bison bell.

Oh, you son of a bitch. All right. Move, man. Here we go. Your next comedian goes by the name of Jorge Carter, everyone. Jorge Carter. Jorge Carter. Please step back from that fucking ledge.

Please step back from that fucking ledge. Please step back from that ledge, my little friend. One more time for Jorge Cortez. This has been a tough year for me. It's taught me a lot about myself. When times get tough, I don't roll up my sleeves, I pull down

my pants. Yeah. I've been selling dick pics and, I pull down my pants. Yeah. I've been selling dick pics and jack off videos on Instagram to gay dudes. Yeah. It's made me reconsider my sexuality. I'm at least a quarter gay. If you give me a quarter, I'll do some gay shit. You know what I mean?

So don't worry, I fit most people's budget, okay? You know what I mean? So don't worry, I fit most people's budget, okay? It's a simple job, but honestly, it gets a little uncomfortable at times. He threw me off one time when he told me that I have an amazing dick. I've heard a good dick before, but I thought that was kind of a stretch,

but an amazing dick? Like, if I had an amazing dick, I wouldn't be here right now, you know what I mean? I'd be off doing amazing things, coasting off with that amazing dick, I wouldn't be here right now. You know what I mean? I'd be off doing amazing things, coasting off with that amazing dick, you know? Like, my dick has done missionary work before, but it's never built any schools or churches. Thank you very much.

Wow. Jorge Cortez. Interesting style there. Start off a little bit gay, then you get gayer and gayer and gayer and gayer as the whole thing goes on that's incredible you basically came like you peeked out of the closet and then sprinted out right at us right at everybody there very fun quarter gay that part must be your mouth in your butthole it's an old joke if you remember I did it on Brody five and a half years ago. So, Jorge, you're gay.

Is that something you've always known? You from Texas, born and raised? I'm from El Paso, Texas. El Paso, Texas gay. Wow, you had to come here just to fucking come out, huh? You have to come out from behind a wall in El Paso. And Jorge Cortez.

How old are you? I'm 27. 27. How long have you been doing stand-up? It'll be six years in October. Six years in October. That's a long time. That's good.

You've been doing it all around here? Two years out here. And the rest was El Paso? Uh-huh. Your former military? No. No. No. What are you? You seem muscular. Your former military? No. No? No.

What are you? You seem muscular. Just Puerto Rican. Puerto Rican. Wow, listen to all those white sluts over there wake up. Just woke the dead over there. Fuck women. I just jacked off for gay men.

They all just got pregnant, right? Yeah, that's it. That's all it takes. You had like a crazy ankle injury this year, right? Yeah, I ruptured my Achilles tendon. It got infected. It just closed up, the wound. I saw pictures.

It was disgusting. How do you know about this? We're friends. I met him at the Fort Worth Hyenas last time I was out here. Oh, wow. Just because he's a Cortez, that's how you work? No, because he's a quarter gay. That's why.

Whoa, look at that. Who do you think's giving him that quarter? Heck yeah. One in the drummer, two in the bummer. You know what I'm saying, bro? Wow, Jorge. So you're really 100% gay, right? No, I'm not gay at all.

I'm just comfortable enough to. This has been a shitty year. I'm also on probation. Oh, really? Yeah, this ankle cost $10,000. I didn't have insurance. I was just like, fuck it. Someone wants to give me money for shit I'm already doing, let's do it.

I got to pay $15 for someone to look at my dick while I piss every month. Might as well make some money off of it. I'm so confused. What are you on probation for? I got arrested the day my grandpa died for a gram of weed. I panicked, ate it, turned into a felony, had to go to court. Fucking this. Yeah.

A gram of weed? Yes, boo. Drugs are bad. Oh, here's the arresting officer right here, everybody. Look who's coming back to the scene. Slob the bounty hunter. Heck yeah. That's fucking Waddler, Texas Ranger right there.

Yes, yes, yes. Did you run from the police? Is that what happened? No, my license plate light was out. They pulled me over and I was like, fuck, I panicked. I ate it. How did they know you ate it? It was in my teeth and I'm afraid of the cops. Oh my god. It was just dumb. It was fucking dumb as, and I'm afraid of the cops. Oh, my God.

It was just dumb. It was fucking dumb as fuck. Oh, my God. Yeah. Wow. You could have shoved it up your butt or Nicky's butt, for that matter. So wait a second. You're completely straight, and all that stuff you just said was made up?

Is that what you're saying? No, it's true. I'm really selling that shit on Instagram. I just don't give a shit. Wait. Say that again. I sometimes... I'm straight, but I sell dick pics to this guy dude on Instagram. Are you serious?

I like to eat food, man. I pay my bills. Wow. How much money do you make for selling dick pics on Instagram? It's like 50 bucks at a time. Can I get that guy's at, please? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't know if you know this. Joel is notorious for

having basically three baked potatoes connected to one another for a dick. The thing looks like a goddamn third arm. It's fucking third arm blind over here. Third arm blind with the Beatles of the something.

Heck yeah. Do you ever do cams also? Do you FaceTime old men and jack off for them? You ever go Instagram Live or anything like that? No, not that. You ever do anything in person? Has anybody ever been like... I would never do anything in person because I can't run away if I go sideways.

Right, because your ankle's fucked. It's so fucked up. Wow. Interesting. Maybe it's so fucked up. Wow. Interesting. Yeah, but if it's a public place. Did you ever let any gay man fuck your open ankle wound when you had it?

Yeah. No. No. Just curious. That was disgusting. I guess so. So what else? What are some hobbies

that you came up with since you're basically what? Under like house arrest or something? I'm not on house arrest, but I like to garden, which is pretty gay. You like to garden? Yeah. It's pretty gay, pretty Mexican. Heck yeah.

That is both. You indeed love working with dirty hoes as well. Anyway. How long have you been gardening for? What do you do in the garden? I just have a few potted plants. Eggplants, cucumbers. Zucchinis.

Hey. Wow. Fuck yeah. My goodness, Jorge. Well, fun times, man. I mean, a fun set. That shit's very interesting. You've been doing it six years, and you came out, so thank you fun times, man. I mean, a fun set. That shit's very interesting. You've been doing it six

years and you came out, so thank you so much, man. Another great fucking comedian up here. Getting laughs. We're getting through it. It's a pretty gay episode of Kill Tony tonight. Hell yeah. Sometimes the gay episodes are the fun ones, you know?

Oh. Got a loose wire over here. Look out. A loose wire. Okay. Uh-oh. We're about to take a turn here. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Caitlin

Hasenauer. Our first lady of the night. Caitlin Hasenauer. Hasen. Caitlin Hassanauer. Hassanauer. Hassanauer. She's coming. She just went to the restroom? She's changing her pad.

Hold on a second. Wow. Oh, here she is. Wow. Oh, no. Okay. Everything, no. Okay, everything's okay. One more time for Katlyn Hasenauer.

What's up, everybody? I just ate ass. Can I get a round of applause for that? Fuck yeah. All right. So, I'll tell you, my son's preschool recently had career day. They invited all the parents to come speak about their careers, which I found weird. Because I send my son to an income-based preschool.

Yeah. I'm not sure if we're the ones that should be bragging about our careers to four-year-olds. Just saying. Like, what am I going to go in there and be like, yeah, I didn't finish college. But I get to make waffles whenever I want yeah it's not a good thing but I'm also thinking they're using it as like a scare tactic like when a kid's not listening they're gonna be like hey Timmy Timmy come here do you want to end up like Khaleesi's mom do you want to be a manager of a goddamn Burger

King one day? Start coloring inside the lines when I tell you to, bitch. Yeah. Thank you, guys. Wow. Katlyn Hasenauer. Hasenauer is also how long it took you to come on stage tonight.

I'm sorry. Hasenauer. What do I have to take you? Half an hour? Alright. So you had a, let's just talk about it real quick. She did have a legitimate fall. Always why I warn everybody. Take your time getting to the stage. It's not worth being out of breath. Where'd you land on? What'd you land? The old

front pad there? Yeah. Oh, yeah, okay. Okay, again. Okay, is that another 2020? Is that what that is? You're not ready for that yet? Hi, Katlyn.

How are you? What'd you land on? You okay? Yeah, I'm fine. You have any rug burn or anything like that? Not yet. Okay. Just on our knees

from yesterday. Okay, all right. That's where we are. This crowd does not like it when you make fun of the ladies here in Texas. Where were you? Were you snapping one off?

No, I was outside smoking and talking to Zach. Who's Zach? The guy that went up first tonight. I still don't remember who he is. Who is he? Is he over there? Where is he? Where's Zach at?

Oh, the church guy. Yeah, the church guy. He's helping me find Jesus. Oh, okay. Anyway, so what's going on? You've been on this show before? Yeah, it was at Fort Worth last time y'all came. Yep, that was a lot of fun.

Definitely was. How long have you been doing comedy for? Two and a half years. Two and a half years. And you're from Texas. Yep. Born and raised. You were born in a Whataburger.

Definitely. Definitely. Pretty close to one, but yeah. And is your daughter's name really Khaleesi? No, not my daughter. Oh. One of my son's friends is named Khaleesi. Wow.

Yeah. Oh, my God. I hate young parents. Yeah, it's so interesting. Same, same. Heck yeah. Is it true to character? Is your son a bastard? Yeah.

Guys, first of all, I was right. Second of all, it's a fucking Game of Thrones joke. Everybody's holding... We're losing them. We're losing them quick here, people. The bills are coming out. People are realizing that they're getting charged for their drinks here tonight. And the whole room

is turning on us immediately. They're like, what? This sucks. I thought the drinks came with a ticket. I fucking, that man, that fucking time I got dropped on my head is fucking me up, man. I never should have ran towards the stage like that. So Catlin,

that's fun. You only have one kid? Yeah, just the one. Just one little boy. How old's he? He's four. Four years old. Heck yeah. He in anything crazy yet?

He's really into sea creatures. Sea creatures? Yeah. Uh-oh. You know what that means. He's looking for a little one of those fucking water Nickys. You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah.

That's what that sounds like when you see a fucking, I mean, you're just swimming under the water and then all of a sudden you see Nicky's cock just, ah! It's just funny. We almost named him Nicky, so this is... Wait, say that again? We almost named my son Nick.

Whoa, look at that. Fucking old Saint Nick over there. He's excited at that. Fucking old St. Nick over there. He's excited about that. All right. Well, that's fun. And so now you're a single mom and you work hard and you do stand-up comedy. Yep. That's incredible.

You ever find any time to do anything fun for yourself? I mean, right now it's been a rocky road. Last time I was on. I know you love Rocky Road. How did you know? But last time I was on, I talked about my rapper boyfriend. You have a rapper boyfriend? Yeah.

Is he still around? No, we broke up like a week ago. Oh, man. That's what they say. That's what they mean when they say, that's a rap. That's a rap. My goodness. Why'd you guys break up?

He wanted to have a kid. Whoa. Yeah. Goddamn. He should talk to fucking Steve Lee over here. Steve will give him a kid. He'll teach him a real fucking lesson. He'll trick you good.

Honest opinion, what did you think of his rap music? No, he's a really good rapper. I have to say that still because he raps with my brother as well. Whoa. You said boyfriend. You fucking your brother, Texas Styling? Don't do that. No, you want me to put it away?

Is she a business? Wow. My goodness. No, you want me to put it away? Wow. My goodness. You ever play doctor with your brother growing up? No. This is getting frightening. Oh, an audience with a diagnosed trash can. In his defense, when he plays doctor, they just check his blood pressure.

Right. That's my hot palpitations. Oh my god! This is crazy. Wow. Take it. That is so, so fun. So he wanted a kid, and you didn't want to give him a kid. Wow, look at that.

Other than the kid, was there anything else? You know what I mean? He really didn't like me doing comedy. Why is that, do you think? I mean... You can support his rap career, but he wouldn't support you doing stand-up? I started stand-up in the middle of our relationship,

and he'd been a rapper when I met him. So he kind of... No, that's not it. Yeah, the fact that you even said it like that goes to show that he got in your head a little bit about that. You're allowed to do whatever you want, sweetheart. I'm glad you're not with this guy anymore. No point in wasting effort. It's the worst that can happen.

I mean, you know, you throw yourself on a fucking dating site, a fucking little pog like youth, put a little fucking put one of those fancy little filters on that motherfucker, you're gonna be getting fucked in no time. You know what I'm saying? 80,000 followers. Your son

loves sea creatures and I think you're about to catfish someone. You know what I'm saying, dude? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Tony, I think you mean black fish. Anyway, you could... You're crazy.

You're crazy. It's Joel Berking up, everyone. Wow. Catlin, you're so fucking awesome dude Every time you're on this show you do so good Anything else we need to know about you? Any big updates other than that? I got into a car accident

Oh yeah? Yeah What happened? You got run over by an ice cream truck? I wish Alright You got run over by an ice cream truck? I wish. All right. I wish. All right.

You know what? You got rear- No, what happened? You got fucking rear-ended? That's exactly what happened, actually, yeah. Right into- Got rear-ended straight into those fucking airbags back there. A little bit.

Yeah, no, I was. I just got done doing a show and me and another comedian were driving to an open mic and this dude just crashed into the back of me. Did he have insurance? Yeah, he did. And they paid for both me and the other comedians medical bills and shit.

Wow, that's great. Man, that's a rarity. You addicted to painkillers yet? I mean, I'm trying real hard. You're trying real hard to... To actually take pain medicine. I'm just like, yeah, not into it. Not into it. Well, that's a good thing.

Yeah, definitely. Thank you for the clap. Yes, that is a clap for not being addicted to pain medicine. I'll take it. Absolutely. Only in Texas, ladies and gentlemen. You get a standing, for those of you listening to the podcast, there's a standing ovation for her not being hooked on pain medicine.

Thank you. Well, I mean, you're always so great. You're a great representative of the women up here. I mean, I'm telling you right now, running, having your name yelled while you're outside smoking a cigarette, not easy. Having to make that sprint, not easy. Taking the fall,

literally, as everyone says, it's about how you pick yourself up. You came right up here. You miraculously didn't even seem out of breath. And you stayed in the pocket. Very impressive performance, if not the best of the night. Ladies and gentlemen,

Katlyn Hasenauer. Great stuff. Oh my God, she almost tripped on a mic cord right there. Oh my God. This match is scheduled for two falls and is for... Oh, she fell again.

No. There you go. It's one of those. Red band. Remember, if that fall hurt you and you're still recovering from that car accident,

InfiniteCBD.com is the promo code. Tony15. I'll show you the lube. Ew, red band. God. She doesn't want a baby. She's gold to me. Oh, Red Band. God. She doesn't want a baby. She's gold to me.

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ, Red Band. Every once in a while, the pace of a show like this picks up majestically. This is a young man who made such a huge imprint on an episode of the Plano episode that we had him back that next weekend when we did a show in Dallas.

And he is here tonight again. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you local legend, Colt. Here he comes, everybody. Here he comes, everybody. Here he is. It's Colt, everyone. When I was growing up, my older brother had a big mummy phase. I never really got wrapped up in it. I used to live next to a tennis court.

I had to move because of all the racket. What do you call a really drunk girl that loves to say yes? An Uber home. Sickos. Did y'all hear what the libtards are doing? They're changing the name of manhole to maintenance hole because it has the word man in it. Wait till they hear the word vinegar.

That shit's got the N-word in there. Say it slow. Is there anything else? Is there anything else? You're good? There's not even anything on these fucking things. What is this? These are fake note cards. Those are the things that the stickers come out of on those 50 cent machines.

You don't even use these. Yeah, what's that all about? It was a joke. Wow. I like your style. So many layers. Fuck yeah. Like an onion. Look at you. My goodness. It's true. Even your comedy has kung fu lessons in it. It was a joke.

Colt, you notoriously kicked the hat off of former president George Bush. We attempted a kick the next night here on this very stage in which you went head over heels in an impressive maneuver. You pulled a real fucking Catlin Hasenauer and fell on your ass. And so welcome back. You are a Kung Fu legend. For those of you that don't know who this is,

how many times have you done it? How long have you been on stand-up? Just the time you came in playing. You only do it on Kill Tony, basically. So far, so far. And you are, what, basically the youngest Kung Fu guy in Texas or something like that. Probably not the youngest. But you've competed on a world level of Kung Fu.

Yeah, Taekwondo. How many men out there think they can beat up this kid? Wow. Listen to that complete silence. That was incredible. That is so funny. But if I said that before saying you're a world kung fu legend, it would have been the loudest this crowd's gotten all day.

That's the only reason people that have the same body as me and you get into martial arts is for that. Exactly, yeah. Anyway. Fuck, yeah. Fucking. All right. So, Colt, what you been. Fuck, yeah. Fucking. All right. So, Colt, what you been doing lately? Teaching.

A lot of Taekwondo teaching. You're teaching Taekwondo? Yes, sir. Heck, yeah. Teach full-time at PSA, martial art, come train. You'd think they'd give you a new sweater, dude. Yeah, I know, right? That thing's faded.

Same. Wow, look at you. Now, do you always rock that Make America Great Again hat, or is that a new thing? I didn't rock it tonight. I wore my Take It Easy hat. That just says Take It Easy, but you have the balls to wear a red hat with the brim up.

Yeah, yeah. I figured, like, people would think it was that, and then I could be like, no, it's not that hat. You're full of jokes tonight, Colt. Hell yeah, Colt. So what are you thinking? Is there any cool kung fu shit you could do to fucking take this thing to another level?

What would be a good trick for you tonight? He can kick the dick out of Nicky's butt right now. That's a pretty low blow. Nicky just said, could you kick it deeper in me? Okay. What would be good? Like a piece of paper, you think, or something like that? A water bottle?

Does anybody have an empty water bottle anywhere? Could he kick the pipe out of my mouth? That's good. I think you can do that. Why don't we do both? Why don't we do a triple kick? He has to do a triple kick, which we've never seen him do before on a water bottle. You want to hold the water bottle?

He can do the triple kick and then kick the pipe out? Is that humanly possible, Colt? In any way that you're safest so that you don't get hurt and that you don't hit the table? Colt, you listen. Oh, my God. Just, you just want him to hold it? Colt, really think

this out. Don't fucking do something that, you know what I mean? I don't want you to, oh, my God. Jeremiah, don't move. Let me ask you this. Hold on before we get the music too loud. Colt, let me ask you this. Do you think that maybe Jeremiah should turn his head since his nose is so

monstrous? Because I don't want you to kick his nose on your way up because that's a real cliffhanger there. I mean, that thing's really it's a fucking, the old horizontal shark fin, the old fucking, the old goddamn, the old goddamn mummy returns over here. Okay. What are you going to do? But how are you not going to hit the table or the mic stand? Why am I thinking of this shit for you? This is frightening.

This is frightening. If this works... Wow! I'll help out. Would it help if I just sort of held it like that? No? No? You guys ready to make fucking Kill Tony history here? Oh my god.

Jeremiah just got kicked in the head. Jeremiah, are you okay? I can't tell whether this is the billionaire or Jeremiah. I'm going to get so sued. No, you're not going to. Did we get it? Reginald Fontaine III. I'm going to not take you up on the pipe offer.

Wow. Maybe just put it in between your legs. You okay, pal? He's good. He's good. This is how he acts at the airport. So I'm not that good. I mean, you were working in tight quarters.

I tried my hardest to make sure that you were in a good parameter and everything like that. You seem like you really rushed it. You do this with a lot of life decisions. Usually, yeah. I should have brought the yo-yo. Reginald, are you okay? His hair felt like it's real. Reginald, you're slowly turning into some type of like

mastiff dog or something like that I don't know how to put this other than he just kicked the shit out of my head. We have to figure out another way to do these things. I have a throbbing headache right now. No. Let me get some aspirin for Jeremiah. Does anybody have some aspirin or some period?

If anybody has any aspirin or some period medicine for Jeremiah, you don't have any tampons. Are there two red bands on stage or is he always this big? I can't believe that the water bottle fell off, but the mustache stayed on. That's the most impressive part. Well, yes. The water bottle fell off my head because he kicked the shit out of my head.

He didn't make contact with the bottle at all. It is true. Your karate classes suck. This is the worst PSA for your class ever. That's true. That's true. You're right. That's what he means when he says he teaches.

He's just kicking kids in the head. Come here, Jeremy. Come here. What the? I will pay $10 billion for somebody to beat the hell out of this child. That's $10 billion in giant $100 bills. You might want to start thinking about that, people. That looks like real money right there.

Is that real? What is that? It's yours. That looks real, Jeremiah. Do you have some real money mixed into there? Oh, you do. Okay, very good. All right, just wanted to make sure.

Nothing worse than getting kicked in the head and accidentally giving a guy $100. Keep it. I mean it. I'm a real billionaire. Completely in character now. I got stuck this way when I got kicked in the head. He never went back to his normal self. It's been three years.

Take it, young boy. All right, Colt. We're going to keep it moving along. We got a kick out of you. Come on, make some noise for Colt, everybody. He feels terrible. Really nothing more awkward than one of the beloved stars of the show getting kicked in the head.

How about one more time for Jeremiah Watkins playing all that? You guys think we should go back to this bucket one more time, huh? Put your hands together for John Brown, everyone. Let's see what happens. John Brownie. John Brown.

Your final comedian of the night. One more time for your final comedian of the night, Sean Brown. Hey, it's good to be here. I'm not originally from Dallas. I'm originally from South Carolina. So I don't know my real dad. I was actually raised by my stepdad. He was a good dude.

I call him my dad. Him and my mom were married for about 12 years. They ended up getting a divorce, though. She ended up marrying another guy after that. That guy tried to tell me what to do one time. I was like, hey, man, you better watch how you're talking, but you ain't my real stepdad. That's one thing I learned when my biological stepdad left.

You're a stepdad, man. You can leave whenever you want. Nobody gives a fuck, right? Like, there's no such thing as a deadbeat stepdad. Nobody goes to jail for unpaid child support. That's why they call us stepdad. You always got one foot out at all You're like man I hate you What the fuck did you just say

I'm about to leave dude Take the playstation with me Wow Very impressive Another great set From Sean Brown on Keltonius Is your what third third or fourth? Second.

Second. Heck yeah. Seems like more. No. Every time you do good, though. You've been doing this, what, four, five, six years? Five, yeah. Five years.

Just about five, yeah. Yep. Five years. All here in Dallas? Yes, sir. Yep. What do you do for work again? I don't do anything now.

I actually just quit my job about a month ago. Before, I was at a hotel. You were at a hotel. Yep. What do you do for work again? I don't do anything now. I actually just quit my job about a month ago. Before, I was at a hotel. You were at a hotel. Yeah. Now, I'm just a broke comic. What made you quit your job? I just didn't want to do it anymore. That's pretty much it.

Wow. How are you surviving? I get disability from the military and from the VA. And so, that gets my bills paid. And then, I just pretty much pay for my food and booze and weed with comedy money. That is incredible.

What branch of the military were you in? Air Force. Air Force. Yes, sir. Thank God. Most of the people here on this show tonight

have been veterans of the United States fucking military. Yeah. It's incredible. We get free money so we can do comedy. Yeah.

Yeah, it's free. All you had to do was can do comedy. Yeah, it's free. All you had to do was risk your life. Oh, yeah, not really. Just join the Air Force. You didn't know that, though. What did you do in the Air Force? I was their crew chief on the B-52s. Someone said I stole valor, but no, you're a fucking idiot.

I love the B-52s. I know, we did this last time. And the love shack is a little... John, what's the craziest thing you've ever put your penis in? Actually, it's funny you mention that. I have skin cancer on my penis right now. Whoa. Yeah, like right now. That's so interesting.

Wow. I've heard that that is the absolute, basically the worst thing that can happen to you. Am I close to correct on that? Not exactly. Really? Are you playing it down a little bit? Are you trying to get,

did you bring a date here tonight? Yeah, is her name Kimo? Anyway. Wow. Skin cancer on your dick. Have you ever thought about letting Nikki suck all the cancer out of it? That's how I got there in the first place. Oh, really? Is that true?

No, I don't know. Is that how it started? Is it like a herpes or something like that? No, that's what I thought it was, but it was cancer. Right. And I wouldn't even have known. They were like, we could do a biopsy. I was like, fuck No, that's what I thought it was. But it was cancer. Right. Yeah. And I wouldn't even have known. They were like, we could do a biopsy. I was like, fuck it.

I didn't know what that was. Right. So what happened? You had like a little firm spot. You're like, biopsy? I'm not gay. No. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. It was just a mole. And then they said, don't worry about it. It's just a mole. And so then they tested it. And they were like, it is actually skin cancer. Oh, my God. So what happened?

How much longer does your penis have to live? Well, we'll see. I have a consult next week. Wow. But no, they're just going to cut the little part off. Hopefully. So pretty much most of it, yeah. Yeah, the whole thing.

Yeah. It's incredible. Wow. You're going to have some deep roots. My goodness. Who does that operation? Lorena Bobbitt? I hope not.

Yeah, I hope not either. That would be bad because she would cut it off and throw it in a road somewhere. That's the worst thing that could happen to you. Absolutely, yes. That's what you were looking for earlier. What did you do at the hotel that you quit at? I was a maintenance man. Wow. That's where you got it from, all those chemicals. No, no chemicals. What did you do at the hotel that you quit at? I was a maintenance man Wow

That's where you got it from, all those chemicals No, no chemicals Come on, there must be something There must be something that you put your dick into It's so interesting that I asked that Vagina? I don't know Vagina? GMO pussy

Is it smell weird? That's what I thought happened. No, actually, no. Yeah? Hmm. Well, that's fun. I mean, are you going to keep us posted about your using the hashtag Kill Tony? How many of you would like updates about his skin cancer, huh?

Let us know how your consult goes next week. Yeah, I will. Actually, yeah, I think consult goes next week. Yeah, I will. Yeah, I think it's next week. They said it should be next week, but I'm like, dude, it's cancer. Maybe fucking tell me right now soon. If you do die, will we have an obituary for your dick and you? Oh, God.

An obituary. Oh, that was better than what I said. When I first saw you, I was like, I thought you looked like an earthworm, but then you were really funny. Oh, well, I... What the fuck? All right, well, I mean... Wait a second.

Who got kicked in the head up here again? Yeah. There he goes into resting as a baby. Wow. Well, John, I like your style. You've been on this show a couple times. We're going to get you out of here. There he goes, John Brown, everybody.

Another unbelievable set. Great set, man. Very good jokes. Good luck on the dick. Guys, I don't know. There's just something in the air tonight. What do you guys think? One more, huh?

I mean, I don't know. Call me Jeremiah's head, because I'm getting a kick out of you. You know what I mean? There it goes. That mustache is fucking hanging, dude. Okay. You guys sure you want to do this?

One more comedian? I mean, we could all get out of here. We could get out of here. You could come back. You could see a stand-up show this weekend. Come back on Saturday, the 4.30 show. Or we could do one more comedian right now. And both. And you could do it all.

I think we should just wrap it up and do it all. I think we should just wrap it up and do it Saturday. Alright. Come on, guys. Dead, Ben. Okay, I pulled a name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Daniel Gill. Let's see what

happens here. Let's see what happens here. Here comes Daniel, everyone. Come on, one more time for Daniel Gill, everyone. Thank you. Thank you. I know I look like Johnny Bravo loves

cupcakes. I'm not doing that well Just before this show I was leaving my house And my dishwasher started acting up It's kind of frustrating Kept making all these weird noises like What are you about to go do? No! Why don't you stay home with the kids?

You know you're not as handsome as your brother She's a peach Tell you a little more about me I am part German, part French Which explains my love for fine chocolates And women with body hair Yeah, I told that joke to my wife And she was like, I told that joke to my wife, and she was like,

who's that joke about? I was like, I don't know Chewbacca legs. Who do you think? Oh, man, she got so mad, but all that came out was brrrr. Wow, look at that. Daniel Gill. Look at you.

Daniel Gill, more like Daniel Kill. That was a good set. How long have you been doing stand-up? About three and a half. Three and a half years. Fuck yeah, man. You perform a lot, huh? Yes, sir.

Yeah. Like a few times a week at least? I try to do mics two to four times a week. Oh, awesome. Yeah. Fuck yeah. What do you do for work? I'm a stay-at-home dad.

Stay-at-home dad. One kid? Three. Whoa. How old are they? 13, five, and three. Whoa. 13, five, and three.

All the same mom there? Two different baby moms. One with 13 and one with the five and three. Two moms. Two moms. I got two moms. Hell yeah, man. Which kid's your favorite?

13? Five. Wow, five or fuck yeah. Look at that, no hesitation. You said that fast. 13-year-old's a boy and the five-year-old's a girl? No, five-year-old's a boy. Whoa.

Is that Daniel Jr.? No. Oh. No. Would you name him something? Leviticus. Leviticus? Yeah. Oh, my God. You know what's crazy is that when Leviticus and Khaleesi meet, they're gonna fuck each other's brains up. Wow. So what's been happening your whole life, Daniel? I was born. happen in your whole life, Daniel? I was born.

Yeah, and then what? Much like Reginald, right? I was kicked in the head as well by a horse. Wow. Yeah, when I was 18 months old. Oh my god. How did you... I was going to say, I talked to the horse.

He said you asked for it. I probably did. How did you get kicked in the head by a horse at 18 months old? Neglect. Yeah, your parents weren't around? No, they were there. How did you get that close to a horse? We had horses at our house. Oh my god, you had horses at your house.

That is the most Texas shit. I didn't realize people actually did that. Other than like the Budweiser family or whatever. No, they say guns kill people. Horses do a lot more damage. Wow, so you're 18 months old and a horse just fucking kicked you in your head. Yeah, I'm actually lucky to be alive.

The horse was actually a pony and it didn't have shoes on. Oh my god. I heard a black horse stole its shoes. A stallion. Stallion stole its shoes. Stallion. Stallion stole its... Do you have like jello head? It's because I was 18 months old, the head is very malleable.

Right. So do you got any weird tics about you? Like you slobber when you watch TV or something? I cried during Moana a lot. Oh my goodness. Wow, right when you felt bad for Jeremiah getting kicked in the head by a little kung fu guy, you find out this guy, 18 months old,

took it from a fucking pony. What color was the pony? Do you remember? Brown? Was it a golden pony? Brown? Gold pony? Brown.

Would you like to be kicked in the head again just for nostalgia purposes? No. Would you like to be kicked in the head again just for nostalgia purposes? No. I know a guy. You do anything for fun? You have any special hobbies or skills or talents or anything like that? I like doing this. I like doing stand-up.

I was a poker dealer. Ooh, a poker dealer. I worked at a casino that would not pay me to do this. I like doing stand-up. I was a poker dealer. A poker dealer. I worked at a casino that would not pay me to do this. Sinstar. If you guys know. Franchising. You're a poker dealer.

I did that for 11 years. Wow. That's incredible. You're probably good at it, right? I'm alright. Poker player ever... Put a finger in you? Oh, Jesus. Redman, you are out of control.

You're jet lagged or something like that. That's it. I had a poker player give me his number. Really? Did you call him? No. Why not? You still have it?

Can we call him right now? No, I don't have it. That was many years ago. Did you ever get revenge on that pony? Ever go back up to it and fuck the shit out of it or something like that? Mr. Handsome. I buy a lot of glue now. Ah, I like that.

Fuck yeah. How much glue are we talking about? Who has the stickier household, you or Nicky? I buy a substantial amount of glue and just pour it. Oh, my God. Oh, it's clear you're not gluten-free. Well, there you go.

We are seeing signs. Damn! We are seeing possible signs of CTE shining through Jeremiah right now. Making a gluten joke. Making a glue. Sigh. You all right back there? I have to share a hotel room with this guy tonight.

And I might have to keep him awake. My friend might die. Well, if we really want to keep him awake, awake. My friend might die. If we really want to keep him awake, then we should let him sleep with red pants tonight. If he still has a sense of smell, he won't get a snooze. Who's at the door? Postmated Wendy's again?

No, this is a Whataburger Postmate City. Whataburger? What's a Whataburger Postmate city. Whataburger? What's a Whataburger? Whataburger. Whoa, Jesus Christ. The guy that works the fries is mad at me. Their burgers are

world famous here. World famous. Door dash some Sonic and Whataburger some Postmate Well Daniel Gill Anything else crazy we should know about you before I let you go? No

You had an absolutely great performance here tonight I'm so impressed with the comedians That came up here tonight Really really mind blowing Very impressive stuff Everyone with the comedians that came up here tonight. Really, really mind-blowing. Very impressive stuff, everyone. Even all the way, I mean, even Nikki, who's only done it a few times, had some great moments.

All the comedians that have been doing it years really shined up here tonight. Texas always, you know, state to state, I would say Texas on Kill Tony-wise for some reason has some of the best comedians regularly out of all around the world. It's very impressive. I love Texas. My favorite state. It's incredible.

Hook them, Cowboys. We did it tonight, everybody. How many of you are going to come to the Kill Tony Saturday at 4.30, huh? All right. How about a hand one more time for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, huh? Jeremiah has a bunch of merch with him. He's got the brand new, the elusive. You may have heard about it, the Big Gay 2020 Kill Tony calendar.

It features the entire band. Really amazing photography. Make sure you at least, if nothing else, at least check it out on your way out. It's a really big deal. I think if you look at it, you'll really like it. Take 12 photos of it. Maybe get one. How much are those again?

They're $30. They're still $30, huh? Alright. They cost a lot of money to print. You have no idea how in the red I am on this. It was not a billionaire's mindset when they were

purchased. I can't believe they's still $30. That's incredible. No, I'm kidding. First you called my calendars gay. Then you called them overpriced. Then you rallied for another guy to come up here and kick me in the head. Thank you so much, Dallas.

I love you. thank you so much Dallas I love you I didn't want the guy to kick you in the head I wanted him to do the triple kick to the water bottle but we didn't end up getting there you wanted the pipe and the thing I didn't want him to kick you in the head

I could kick his how many of you think he should try again? This time, let's let Joel do it. He's a little bit shorter. He's doing it. He says he's doing it. If this happens again, I'm going to shit myself. Peter Parker he's doing stretches that only Nicky does right before bedtime okay that only Nikki does right before bedtime. Okay.

Ah! We did it! Cool! Jeremiah Watkins! Unbelievable. How loud can this place get for the great Julebert Joel Jimenez, huh? Come on!

Dallas, we absolutely love you guys. We hope to see you here this week. And we got four stand-up shows and another Kill Tony. How about a hand for the great Brian Redman, everybody? Thanks a lot, guys. Oh, yeah. And Ryan J. Ebel made very special for this show specifically. Brand new Drew Kill Tony posters representing this exact show

on this exact date so those are available as well after the show we have some Kill Tony pins, some Tony Hinchcliffe pins and other fun things for sale as well, some awesome Jeremiah stuff and we love you, we'll see you in a bit right out there we're gonna fly through a line all together

we're gonna get through it fast. Good night. Good night.固まり魂ご視聴ありがとうございました Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you..