KILL TONY - KILL TONY #397 - DALLAS #2

Episode Date: October 11, 2019

Mark Normand, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 10/05/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. We also have a bunch of new tour dates. We're going to be in Sacramento next week. We have two shows october 16th and 17th they might be sold out then we're followed by kill tony mania 2 in san francisco october 18th and 19th and that's four different shows that's a lot of shows most of them are

almost sold out so you better get your tickets quick then we we're off to Australia. October 25th, we're going to be in Bisbon, Australia. October 26th, we're in Melbourne. October 27th, we're in Sydney, Australia. And then we're going to Washington, D.C., November 7th, and that's sold out, so we added a second show, and that's almost sold out. So if you live in Washington, D.C., there is your chance to get tickets. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates for all the ticket links and information.

Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own stand-up tickets for sale. He's got some merch. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. RyanJEbelt.com, that's the house artist. He has a new book. Check out RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquelt.com. That's the house artist. He has a new book. Check out RyanJEBelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv.

There you have all the official Death Squad Universe merchandise. And a new Kill Tony shirt is going to be added very, very soon. So keep your eyes out for ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from Hyena's Comedy Club in Dallas, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe. Dallas, come on. There's a lot of people listening to this.

You have to make more noise than that. Woo, lordy. It's a 4.30 show in Dallas, Texas. The great Brian Redman is here, everybody. How exciting is this? We're back. How many of you were at the fun show that we had here on Thursday, huh? Hell yeah. How many of you just were able to get tickets for this one? This is very exciting stuff. We've had an amazing weekend here in Dallas. Two more stand-up shows after this tonight.

So we're going to get through it. We're just going to get it started right away. Is that okay with you guys? So we just jump right into everything? No small talk? No Amber Geiger jokes? Just move right into it, okay? So as you guys know, and those of you that have ever seen a road show,

we're at Thursday's show. You guys know that on the road shows, we do not do guests on those shows. So however, actually, you know what? Let's do something special, right? Would you guys like it if we had a special secret guest here tonight? Would you guys like it if it just so happened to be that one of my favorite comedians was in town, huh? it if it just so happened to be that one of my favorite comedians was in town? Huh?

Ladies and gentlemen, because we love you, Dallas, I present to you one of the great comedians of our time, Mark Norman! Holy shit! Oh, wow! It's him! In the flesh! Just hanging out in Texas. Just a good New York

boy from Louisiana in beautiful Dallas, Texas. Joining us for an episode of Kill Tony. Hey, hey. Good to be here. Good to be back. Hell yeah. You even get your own drum set at any point if you want. All right.

This is exciting. I'll take it. We're happy to have you here, Mark. Mark just did an episode in New York, and you also just did an episode back at home at the Comedy Store. Was that with us just a week ago? Yeah. Was that this week? Yeah, yeah.

It flew by. It's good to be back. I was out there mollying Bert. Is that out yet? Yeah. All right, all right. That was Ari. Mark has an amazing podcast, Tuesdays with Stories,

with a great show list. Yes. And marknormanComedy.com. You're going to be in Cap City in a couple weeks. Since you've done the show recently, you know that we do have a band on this show. Oh, yeah. I love the band. You guys know that there's a band on this show?

They're one of my favorite things in all of comedy. They're absolutely hilarious. Every episode, they commit to being different characters. I never know what they're going to be. They don't know what they're going to be. We let them have the very tiny green room that they have here while we roamed around in the kitchen for 20 minutes while they got ready. I'm

excited to see what they are tonight. They are the best damn band in the land. The Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Gucci Gang. What is this? Whoa. Oh, shit.

New characters. Oh, my God. Wow. Oh, my God. Wow. Oh, my God. What's up? All right. Wow. Damn.

This is impressive. I believe these are brand-new characters that we've never seen before. Are you SoundCloud rappers? Ha-ha, what up? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Skrrt, skrrt. seen before. Are you SoundCloud rappers? What up? Scoot, scoot. Oh, wow. Welcome to Kill Tony. Have you ever seen an episode?

Yeah. What's your name? Big Schnazzy. Big Schnazzy. A.K.A. Lil Tape Worm. A.K.A. Lil Tasty from KC. Oh, wow. That.A. Lil Tape Worm. A.K.A. Lil Tasty from KC. Oh, wow. That's incredible.

A.K.A. Skinny Jean Fat Dick. I'm going to write that one down. I might call you by some of these rap names of yours. And then clearly back here we have a Mexican lesbian during gay pride. This is exciting. This is the first time we've seen one. Oh, wow. Tony, you already know what it is.

Gucci gang shit, man. My name's Shiitake Strychnine. Shiitake Strychnine. Having a little trouble with that mouthpiece, huh? Shiitake Strychnine. Having a little trouble with that mouthpiece, huh? Shitake strychnine. Come test my gangster. Wow. Normally Mexicans work a grill a little bit better than that.

There we go. This is very exciting. That tapeworm getting hungry. Oh, shit. You look like a bag of Jolly Ranchers. You look like a little milk dud. Oh, shit. This place is out of control right now.

I love it. So we have the band. We have SoundCloud rappers. We have Mark Norman with us and Brian Soundboard, which brings me to this, everybody. It's the fucking face of destiny. Right into it. Oh, my goodness. We have Mark Norman with us and Brian Soundboard, which brings me to this, everybody. It's the fucking face of destiny. Right into it.

Oh, my goodness. Look at this. Crystal clear fingerprints everywhere. I love it. Everybody left their names and their DNA in this cylinder. You know how it works. If I pull your name out, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted of stand-up comedy time at that microphone there. Maybe it's someone's first time. Maybe it's their last time. Maybe they're a great comedian that just wanted a minute to show off. And then we interview you and talk with you about your life, figure out more about you and what makes you interesting. You know your 60 seconds

is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry Cedar Springs Bear. Didn't really get the... Didn't get what Oaklawn got. The angry Oaklawn Bear. Oh, man. That thing sounds AIDS-ridden. Listen to that. What was that?

Oh, God. Get that thing sounds AIDS-ridden. Listen to that. What was that? Oh, God. Get that thing away from me. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? This is special. Comedy. Fuck yeah. By the way, Red Band rocking the out-of-work P.I. Yeah, the old man shirts.

I got this at a waterfall. Oh, yeah? A gift shop at a waterfall. Hey. Is that true? No. That's what it's like every time I hit it with a girl. Waterfalls.

Oh, shit. You're out of control, skinny jean fat dick. Gushers. All right, I pulled a name out of the bucket. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds was actually on this show on Thursday. She had a great performance, as she does almost every time she's been on this show.

She had a little trip on the way to her stage on Thursday, so hopefully she makes it nice and safely. Remember, the two best ways to come into this show are through this main hallway down the middle or this aisle way if you're on that side. If you just so happen to be coming from that side, be extremely careful and watch every single inch of where you're touching so that you don't touch

Lil Tapeworm or Shittakee Strick 9's drum sets. Let's start this fucking show. Put your hands together for your first comedian. 60 seconds going to Katlin Hasenauer. Hasenauer! There she is. What's up, everybody? So I found out with being a mom,

you have to be careful what you teach your kids. Like, I've taught my son the accurate names of the human anatomy. So instead of teaching him pee-pee, I taught him penis, so he shouldn't be ashamed of his penis. I see you guys out there. Don't want him being like you one day. But it all backfired on me real quick the first time he racked himself, and he came running up to me screaming, Mommy, kiss my penis and make it feel better. It's a weird day at the park after that, you guys.

But the other weird thing after having a kid is dating. Like I went on one date after having my son. I mentioned that I had a kid and that guy was like, that's cool. Tell me your birth story. That's weird Olive Garden conversation, but let's go for it. So I get to the part where I'm rushed in for an emergency C-section and that's where that guy stops me and he's like, C-section. Nice.

So it's all good down there. Apparently if something had come out of there, he didn't want to come in there. Awesome. Alright! Hell yeah. Catlin. I got a little confused at the end.

You had a C-section? Yeah. And he saw the scar in what? No, I mentioned I had a C-section. He said nice. So it's all good down there. Oh. You're still tight.

Oh, I get it. Got it. Yeah. Absolutely. That makes sense. Oh, damn. Time, time. Do you do a lot of workouts

or anything like that to work on your vagina? You take great pride in your extra tight C-section vagina? How old are your kids? He's only four. And you're two. Okie dokie. That wasn't her age.

Maybe I should have delivered it differently. I just called her a two in front of all of you. But it seemed like I was guessing her age. But no, I called her a two. I just want to be clear what I did. I want you to know the joke that didn't work so that you didn't think it was something else. I liked it.

I mean, you really had to expect it for it to be as funny? I mean, I liked my execution of it. I mean, you really had to expect it for it to be as funny. I mean, I liked my execution of it. Well, two is confusing because two is generous. But yeah, you know. We're having fun, folks. We're just kidding around. I'd easily fuck her tight box.

Yeah, all right. If you had to guess which is tighter, your vagina or your asshole, which one would you guess? The fact that you're thinking about it makes me know something about you. Wait a second. It was in the set. There's so much information coming out on this stage right now. That's supposed to be a quick answer.

That's supposed to be like that first question on Family Feud where you just buzz in. Pussy, pussy, pussy. All right. Tell us something we haven't heard about you before, Catlin. I was trying to think of things because I knew this would come up and I was going to say I was in Cymbaline and banned. Cymbaline.

You were the one that, I take you for more of a tuba player. This is incredible. Oh, okay. All right. I see how this is going to be. Everybody has a fat niece that they're thinking about and picturing when I'm making fun of her up here. Since she's up first, it seems like...

People don't treat women equally. It's unfair. If you make fun of women, people get weird. That's true. I'm trying to treat them equally. Yeah, I treat every bitch equally. Yeah. Yeah. Big schnozzy.

Wow. And you've actually been with a rapper before. You just... Candy rapper. All right, all right. Equally. Equality. You were with a real rapper.

How do you think these guys stack up to your rapper ex-boyfriend that we found out about on Thursday? Yo, I got a fat dick. Oh, is that true? Yee. Yee is one of the few things he can say with both sides of his mouthpiece in. You right.

Wow. I would love to see a collaboration between the three of them. I think it would be great. Yeah. What do you guys think about that? You ever do a collaboration? Big schnozzy. Yeah, big schnozzy. Yeah. Who have you worked with?

Oh, Lil Rum Rum. Wait, what just happened there? That's how you pronounce his name is Lil Rum Rum. Wow. That's incredible. It's name is Lil Rum Rum. Wow. That's incredible. It's a digital thing.

He like new age. He's like one of them rapping robots. Oh, there you go. Yo, that mean he like you, fool. Wow. No, good set though. You had punchlines and whatnot. So I'm on board.

Oh, thanks, man. Thanks. Yeah. Yeah, it, man. Thanks, yeah. Yeah, it's fun. Yeah, you always do good. It's always a great appearance. You didn't trip this time. You were right next to the stage. It was incredible.

I'm glad you gave me that extra time to try. Did we ever ask what nationality your ex was? Good question. Yeah, he was black. Oh. I could have guessed that. Oh, a black guy with a thick white woman I've never heard of it Do you mostly date black guys?

Yeah When I was up in Fort Worth The only white guy I've ever been with Was the one that got me pregnant That's about how it works Wow That's incredible Good relationship with the kid?

Dad? Yeah, that's actually where he is right now. He's with his dad. See? That's one for Whitey. That's incredible. I wonder which Twin Peaks he took him to. He's more of a Hooters man because that's actually where they went last night to eat. Really?

Hey! Come on. More of a Hooters van because that's actually where they went last night to eat. Really? Hey. Come on. Look at that. I know how these dads work. I know what this is like. When they finally get a chance to hang out with their kid, they overcompensate and show them too much shit too fast. Plus it was meet your mom at work day. I love it.

I love it. Well, Catlin, always fun. You're one of the fun, cool, local comics that we get to see on this show because you're local, because you have a kid and everything like that. So we're not going to ever see you in L.A. or New York. This is as far as your dreams will ever really go. No, but it's great. You're fantastic. And the fact that you keep coming out with new minutes and showing us new stuff and

fucking having a great sense of humor about everything is what it's all about so we love you thanks for coming on again has an hour is he gonna fall hey fuck yeah that's a real rap song on there. You guys get the show?

You guys having fun yet, huh? This is good. Y'all Lil' Rum Rum, what it do? Oh, shit. He said the words. Did you hear that? There you go. Yo, he said, get to that next comic.

All right, all right. Okay, that's enough. Yep, there you go. We've beaten that to its pulp already. Here we go. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Trevor Williams. Trevor Williams, everybody. Here we go.

Hey, one more time for Trevor Williams. Hey, one more time for Trevor Williams. I look like what would happen if John Wick decided to put a baby in Kylo Ren. And then instead of parenting me, they just let a bong raise me instead. I live in Austin, and I see a lot of assholes there with huskies. And I think it's, like, torturous to make a dog with winter fur like that live in such a hot climate. I think it's time these owners stepped up and did the right thing, you know? Kill those fucking dogs.

I'm kidding, obviously. They should let a vet do that. They're not professionals. They say if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life. I know an animal shelter might be a sad place, but I like the picture. There's some guy in the back just grinning ear to ear, putting down unwanted pets,

whistling while he works, just... Trevor Williams Fuck yeah Good stuff man That is what you look like You do look like that Keanu Reeves and Kylo Ren How long have you been doing stand up About like 7 months consistently now

7 months consistently now Hell yeah. What were you doing before that? Playing fucking banjo and something? I wish. No, college. College? Yeah.

Where'd you go to college? University of Cincinnati. Whoa, Bearcat. Look at you. Yep. What'd you study there? Marketing and international business. Got my master's.

Whoa, look at that. What are you going to do with that? Absolutely nothing. Why? I just wasted like five years and $60,000 learning how a commercial works. Pretty self-explanatory, I guess. I don't know.

Yeah. Wow. Do you owe a lot of money? Are you in debt right now because of it? No, not really. I had parents foot the bill. Nice. Your parents lot of money? Are you in debt right now? No, not really. I had parents foot the bill. Your parents have good money? Enough for that. What does your dad do? He sells industrial supplies.

Owns his own business. What does your mom do? Works at a law firm, paralegal. Wow, look at that. They put you through college. You have brothers and sisters? Yeah. Older brother dropped out, so they didn't foot his bill. So that's how they had enough for me.

Oh, that's the deal. Just stay in school and we'll pay the bill. Exactly. Well, the good news is you're doing stand-up. Exactly. Exactly. It wasn't my choice to do that, so I was like, you know, now that I... What do your parents think about you doing stand-up? Probably think it's more of a hobby. I don't know. I drive for Uber in my meantime, so I can pay rent.

So I'm sure they're not loving that, that I'm not using the degree, even a little bit. Right. What do you do to keep that high level of enthusiasm in your voice? I went to college on $60,000. You smoke a lot of pot. Yeah.

Yeah. Why do you look like a guy that Ubers people on a Vespa? Just expect them to jump on the back and put on a helmet. Hold on to my waist. What are you Ubering? Jetta.

The fucking... The Vespa of four wheels. And now you live here? Or you're in Austin still? I live in Austin, yeah. So you came out here all the way for this? Yeah. Oh, that's so cool. You listen to the show a lot? A little bit. A little bit. I live in Austin, yeah. Right. So you came out here all the way for this? Yeah. Oh, that's so cool.

You listen to the show a lot? A little bit. A little bit. I'm not going to lie to you. Is that why you have the same haircut as Tokyo Cunt Punch? Yes. That's a very deep reference, but I guess maybe, what was the other one?

What's the one in there? He looks like a Mexican Billy about now. Oh, Emo Phillips. Oh, yeah. Is that a better reference? Dave Drool. Oh, yeah. That's a good one. Is that a better reference? Dave Drohl. Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Absolutely.

I wish that wasn't recorded. I would have loved to use that. Steal it. Cool. Thank you. Take it. Anything else crazy about you? Do you have any fun hobbies or anything like that? You seem like the kind of guy that really gets into it. You know what I mean? The kind of guy that fucking knows how to throw a goddamn Sprite can

a mile away or something like that. You seem like you have some special skill that... I can dunk. Come on! You can dunk what? A donut into coffee? Come on! You can dunk a basketball? With both my hands. With both of your hands? With both of my hands. How's that possible?

You can jump really high? Yeah. Would you be willing to just jump straight up in the air for us right here? How many people want to see this guy jump? Yeah! Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Just hold on one second.

This is a jump. Live on Kill Tony. Whoa. That wasn't impressive at all. Yeah, what was that? We just wanted to see your vertical leap. You played the Van Halen and you got me thinking fucking David Lee Rothman. Come on.

How many of you want to see him get one good vertical leap as high as he can go? Hit that ceiling. Watch out for the symbol that's to your left. That is pretty good, man. Wow, that's good. Why are you doing stand-ups? My goodness. Someone's about to be in the new

white men can't jump movie. Fucking remake over here. Well done. My goodness. Wow. You keep dunking like that, the last comedian might start thinking about fucking you. I do love rap music.

Keep it jumping and jumping and jumping while I be hopping and hopping and hopping. Uh-oh. Big schnozzy's getting in the zone over there. How about music? No music? No, love music. You love music. Do you play any instruments or anything

like that? I wish, no. No, yeah, nothing. Really? You seem like an accordion kind of guy. I'm getting vibes from you. Harmonica? No, I fucked around as a kid, but you know. I bet you did. Didn't have chops. Epstein? I wish. I love that.

Sandusky Dude you pick up an instrument With the stand up The vertical leap An instrument And you'll be mediocre Hell yeah dude Your parents are gonna be so proud of you

Once they see you doing that Big time I love it Well Trevor Fun stuff man Seven months You're doing great You have good jokes

You make fun of yourself It's fucking awesome Keep writing Keep doing it We'll see you again soon. Trevor Williams. Let's go back to the bass. Okay.

Let's just keep it moving along. How about Rudy Ramsey? Rudy Ramsey sounds like a new name. This is exciting. Could be anybody. Oh, I know this guy. Meet someone here. Good name.

Fresh blood. Here he is, Rudy Ramsey, everyone. So I'm always looking for my big foot, right? And, like, everybody has their big foot. But when I say big foot, I mean my thing that I always want to be in front of. Like, I'm looking for or I want to see when a girl gets hit in the pussy. Not because, not because, hold on, wait. Not because, you know, I want to condone violence or anything like that,

but I want to know what she says. You know, when guys get hit in the balls all the time. There's tons of videos about that. And you hear, like, oh, my dick or oh, my giblets. But, like, when a girl gets hit in the pussy, does she just say, oh, my pussy? Or does she say, like, oh, my meat flaps? You know? Something like that.

I don't know. It's just I want to be around. I want to be the guy who has a camera just ready for it, just ready to see it. It just happens. But, like, I don't know. Whatever. I do hate the fact that, well, I don't hate the fact, but I don't like the fact that

gay community has taken a speech impediment and made it their own. Because I have a list. I can't get rid of my list. I'm not gay, but I don't think that's cool. You know what? Why couldn't you take up stuttering? Hell yeah. Rudy Ramsey. Hi.

I have no idea what you said the first 35 seconds of that set. I heard Bigfoot and then pussy. Like a few times, I'm trying to figure it out the whole time. I can't understand anything you're saying, and I sort of like that about you. It's kind of like, you know, we're always searching, want to be there

when something happens crazy. Like Bigfoot. My Bigfoot is seeing a girl get hit in the pussy. Get hit in the pussy. Yeah, because you see guys get hit in the nuts all the time. You can Google that. There's links for that.

You can Google get hit in the pussy. Yeah, but you want to be there in person. I think you misunderstood the the phrase did you hit that and you're like nah uh yeah i'd love to see that yeah girl get hit in the pussy and then i wish i had a camera and then when you get down to it you're basically the whole thing is like, oh, my meat flaps. That's really it. That's the big payoff at the end of that? Kind of.

I'm still trying to work on more punchlines to add to that. I've only been doing- More? I didn't hear any. Oh, shit. You really love the word- Damn. Oh, shit.

Damn. Rudy, you're okay. How long you been doing stand-up? Two years now. Two years. Oh, that's a bummer. All here in Dallas? Yeah, yeah.

I usually do all the hyenas clubs and open mics throughout the week. So I usually hit about nine mics a week. Oh, that's great. Fuck yeah. You always talk like that? You ever think about taking a speech therapy class or anything like that? No, I've never thought about taking speech speech therapy, but I don't know. I don't think you can do anything for a lisp.

Yeah, you can. I don't think so. Yeah, you can. I don't know if you can. Yeah, you can. Yeah, if I kick you in the pussy right now, it'll get fixed. Yeah, that might change it. It has nothing to do with the piercings in your bottom lip?

No, no, no. I've always had it. Yeah, that wouldn't cause that, Brian. I don't know. Oh, fuck. I really fucked up this time. These piercings. Yeah, I think I would have just left them out if that was the cause.

These piercings. That means every time I go to jail, I actually sound like a normal person. Wait, every time you go to jail? Yeah. How many times have you been in jail? About ten times. Whoa, here we go. I love your set. It was great. You're so funny. It's not for

anything juicy, though. It's all for the same well, some of it is. You sure it's not from anything juicy? Yeah. There's nothing at all juicy? Tony, you better cut that out. You got some pretty blue eyes I'm just saying Looks like someone

wants to go to prison 11 times Oh shit Damn you look like a prison cook Yeah you know Either that or you know at the Chinese food buffet Nothing better than some delicious Chinese food Chinese buffet

My god, so let's fucking talk about it This is as interesting as it gets Prison ten times Yo, what are you? An ass man? A tits man? Or a pussy man? Which one is you? That's a lot of jail.

Orange is the new hack. So tell us about it. What did it start as? It's just like, same thing. You know, I was young, stupid. I didn't keep up with my car, you know, car insurance. Oh, yeah, I know. I've been to prison like 14 times for car insurance one of the most

interesting ones when i was drunk and i passed out on a service road and the cop woke me up at like seven in the morning and he was like you know get out of the car and he tried to give me a breathalyzer and all that and he's like you just spit in the tube i asked him if like i was like you give me a dui because technically the car was off he's like, I was like, can you give me a DUI? Because technically the car was off. He's like, I'm trying to. And he did give me a DUI, but actually never, nothing ever happened of it. Like, but in my record it shows I have a DUI,

but I never, like, I never had to go to court for it. Well, get to the nine rapes. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. Let's get to something a little bit meatier than that. Well, I mean, ten times. What, do you go into court and just be your own attorney? No, no, like...

Excuse me, my witness, my judge. This is my sensational situation. I sit before you an innocent man. I merely just want Chinese and something salacious. I swear I didn't know she was 16. I rest my case. That was when Chris Hansen walked in.

Asking me if I want cookies. All right. So let's talk about it. What else? Let's get into the good one. You're in the bushes. You jump at a lady. And then what happens?

No, no, no, no. Well, the weird thing, the reason why I was driving drunk is because a guy kicked me out of his house at gunpoint. Oh. And I was there with a lady friend, and I told him I'm not going to leave her here by herself. Right. And he was like, no, no, you're going to leave regardless. And I was like, I didn't know what to do, so I just got in my car and left. Maybe call the police?

I was too drunk to call the police. Nah, snitches get stitches, man. Way too drunk to call the police. It's only three numbers on your phone. Yeah. Well, I mean, there you go, man. Way too drunk to call the police. It's only three numbers on your phone. Yeah. Well, I mean, there you go, yes. But look, I'm Mexican. I don't want the police. They're white. Of course, who are they going to believe? Me?

The beaner in their house? No. Whoa, Jesus Christ, man. My God. Yo, this dude is a real one. Some of the most racist shit I've ever heard in my life Against your own people I'm kidding

I don't think so I know, I don't think so either Any crazy stories from when you were in prison? No, not really Dude, you better shut the fuck up right now Jail's very boring Everybody in there behaves They all just talk

And everybody sits around and eats their sandwiches. Nothing happens juicy in jail. Okay, how about prison? I've never been to prison. Ah, you just go sit in fucking jail there? Yeah, yeah. That's fucking... What the fuck was that?

You making jail sound like a Sunday luncheon. I mean, yeah. It's like some of the good... How do you go to jail ten times and prison not once? Are you exaggerating when you say ten times? No, no. There's a time period. What other things? Just insurance stuff?

You don't go to jail for insurance. Driving without a license. Driving with expired stickers. It's all driving stuff? But they don't give you jail for that. That's not why they give you jail. No, but if you don't pay it, you get warrants. And that takes you to jail.

Fuck, man. That sucks. What's your love life like now you're into just dudes right oh okay i have a white girlfriend so whenever i get pulled over with her the cops leave me alone it's happened it's happened twice already so uh she's my good luck charm and is she here no unfortunately she's not here. She's no longer with us. She's going to... She's at home in my garage. Oh, shit. Whoa. Wait a minute.

Oh, yeah. You left the car running there? Well, that's where you keep... With a hose. Why's she in the garage? I converted my house, and I converted the room to a garage so that I can rent out my real room so I don't have to pay for anything. Poor lady. Yeah, to you it's the biggest sell you've ever had.

Biggest sell, yeah. Did you build a wall? We did. We built curtain walls and it works out great. My goodness. What's the bathroom situation? You share a bathroom with whoever has to rent your house? Because that sounds like my worst nightmare.

It is. It's just like, oh, okay, man, I got such a great deal on this place. And you're like, all right, I'll be in the garage. That's my toilet, too, by the way. I will be shitting exactly four feet away from your toothbrush every day. My name is Rudy Raza. You have a good one. If you need anything, just knock on the garage door. For those listeners, this is a thick Mexican man.

So when you come home, does that garage door have to completely open? Nah, we don't use the garage door. Do you have a little tennis ball so that you can walk in and it just hits your forehead and you know you're inside perfectly? Exactly. You guys got the good cross-eyed version of that joke.

Yeah, they did. Rudy, anything else crazy we need to know about you? You're a hell of an interview. Not crazy, but I do want to add I do have a podcast where a lot of these comics that I do comedy with here we all do it on there so all right well there you go good thing you good thing you got that part out hell yeah where do you record that at you're uh inside your car no i have a studio at home i turned the living room into a studio you turned a different room into a studio yeah why wouldn't. I turned the living room into a studio. Jesus. You turned a different room into a studio?

Yeah. Why wouldn't you sleep in the living room and have your podcast studio in the garage? Because I can't have sex in the living room. Whoa, and you know what? At the end of the day, all that matters is where you can have sex. Yeah.

Rudy Raza, Rudy Ramsey. Rudy Ramsey. I've been saying Rudy Raza. Hey, have a good day. That's stereotyping. Good job, Rudy. Rudy Ramsey. Hell yeah.

How many of you out there like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. My goodness. These people want blood. They're in luck. Hell yeah. Let's get right to it now.

And we're getting right back into it right now. Live on Kill Tony. Dallas, Texas. How about David Cook? Is there a David Cook out there? Here he is. He's right here, everybody. David Cook. Live in the flesh.

The Cook is not the Mexican. Come on, one more time, good and loud for David Cook, everybody. So I used to work at Guitar Center, and I worked in the pro audio department, so I sold microphones. And we had everything from top of the line, $1,000 for one microphone, all the way down to the bottom of the barrel, and we had a set that had two microphones in it for $50. Cheap, plastic toy, no professional would ever use it, just parents would come in and buy it for their kids to do karaoke in the living room.

So anyways, one day this lady comes in, she walks into the apartment, and she goes, Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where to find the wireless microphones? And I said, yes, ma'am, if you look over here, you've got the Shure SM58. That's where you're starting for quality. Going up from there, anything below that, garbage. She said, I'm sorry, this might be out of my price range. I didn't realize they were so expensive. And I said, well, ma'am, if you look down here,

for $50, you could get two. True story. By the way, you guys said you liked it when people bombed, so I came up here to do that. Hey, look at that. Giving the people what they want. I like that. Pulled it in at the end.

I like your style, David Cook. I mean, that set, you know, you committed to a story there. Didn't have a lot of... It wasn't a very punchy front end. It's all the payoff on the back end, but at the last second, you sort of fucking, you know, you saved it. You were aware. You decommitted from it and

showed your true self. I feel like you're going to have a much better interview than you had set. That's the vibe that I get from you. There's something very fucking work on the railroad about you. There's something Constansar, the soggy bottom boys. In Constansar,

you have a little bit of, are you from West Virginia or something like that? Houston. Houston, same thing. Yep, absolutely. 100%. The West Virginia or something like that? Houston. Houston, same thing. Yep, absolutely, 100%. The West Virginia of Texas. Yeah, Guitar Center. You got that real gut there.

You might need to hit that stairway to heaven. It's real nice of you to have left your crawfish boil to join us today. Yes. Is what? It looks like he drives one of those fan boats in the bayou. What do you do? You seem like a real fucking gentleman.

Like a real man. You seem like a dude in Texas. Well, now I work as an estimator for a flooring company. Oh, wow. You're the estimator, huh? So people ever try to bribe you or anything like that? Like, hey man, whatever you can do to cut me a deal. it's a 10 by 10 but i've definitely heard it yeah yeah what's the coolest thing anybody's ever done to uh bribe you oh no i mean they've never tried well rodeo

tickets and stuff like that oh that is that is just the most texas shit i've ever heard oh my god that's it it's It's basically the same thing It's like the OC fair for you guys in California Hell yeah You're right because we don't go to either one of those things It's totally like the OC fair I don't know when that is either I like the rodeo

I wish you only did 8 seconds Mark Norman Hilarious. Wow. So did you end up taking the rodeo tickets? Yes. That's hilarious. What other country shit are you into?

Because you look the part. That's funny. I'm not a big fan of country. I took tickets because it was Leon Bridges. Oh, Leon Bridges. He's good. He's great. Yeah, it's fantastic.

What's he known for? He's like an R&B kind of soul, sexy, young black guy. He's kind of like a Motown revival. Yeah. Wow. Throwback. Throwback, for sure. They had a black guy performing at a rodeo?

Jesus. That close to all those ropes? This year they had Cardi B. Just saying. What'd you say? What'd you say, Strychnine? I don't know if I should say it again. What?

He said black people around that many ropes. Oh, well, I mean... It sounds awful when you say it. I agree. I agree. I agree. Wow. You ever ride an animal before in any way?

Your wife? No, never. What are you showing us? Oh, no rings. Oh, no rings. That's right, yeah. I can see why you got let go from Guitar Center.

You shouldn't be working a microphone. I quit, actually. You showed us that you don't have a ring. What's your dating life like? Fuck, I knew he was going to do this shit. You on FarmersOnly.com or something like that? Wow, you got me pegged all wrong. But anyways, I'm on Tinder for sure.

You're on Tinder. You like being pegged all wrong. But anyways, no, yes. I'm on Tinder for sure. You're on Tinder. You like being pegged. What's your profile on Tinder like? What's your bio say? You know what it says. It just says things

that I'm into and it's all one word. It says music, dive bars, whiskey, Disneyland. Disneyland? What the fuck? You're allowed back there? It says music, dive bars, whiskey, Disneyland. Disneyland? Yeah. What the fuck? You're allowed back there? Oh, get away from me.

Oh, my God. How often do you go to Disneyland? Probably twice a year. Twice a year? Jesus. Holy shit. That's incredible. Wow.

Just for the people watching or what? Nostalgia. I grew up in Orange County. Oh. Oh, that's why you said the OC Fair. Oh, wow. So you go, what do you do? You drive to California?

No, fly. Oh, all right. Jesus. You look like you take the old fucking Silverado, you know what I mean? Horsepower is horsepower, and it's American built. Why would you go to Disneyland instead of Disney World?

Wow, look how hard you tried to say world properly there. It's the best I've ever heard it, by the way. When's the last time you went to Disney World? World. You put all of your effort behind it. Say it three times real fast. World. World. World. You put all of your effort behind it. Say it three times real fast.

World. World. World. World. World. World. World. Hell yeah.

Just the nostalgia because I grew up going up there. Heck yeah. What's your favorite Disney character? You seem more like a Donald Duck type of guy to me. Am I right? Goofy? I don't think I really have a favorite character. You don't like a Donald Duck type of guy to me. Am I right? Goofy? I don't think I really have a favorite character. You don't have a favorite?

You have Disneyland in your Tinder bio, and you don't have a favorite? Come on. What would you say if we were on a Tinder date? So I really only took the date because I saw you like Disneyland. What's your favorite Disney character? Mickey.

Oh, I knew it. That Disney was an anti-Semite. Oh, shit. That's true. Fun fact. All right, all right. There you go. That's a red dance.

Elusive Mickey Mouse impression. All right. What's something else crazy about you, David Cook? Come on, tell us something good. You seem like the kind of guy that fucking, like, you're into interesting shit, right? You, like, eat your own toenails or something like that? Nothing interesting. I can't tell you a funny story.

Uh-oh. Oh, really? About almost a year ago, I drove to Austin for my birthday To go to a concert And got so hammered That I got in the back of a cab And when they asked me what my address was I gave them my address back in Houston And passed out in the back of the cab

And when I woke up I was in my driveway In Houston with a $450 Get the fuck out of here Oh my god And you had to go Now you had to get back to... So I ended up getting on a mega bus going back to Austin to pick up my truck

and then driving back so I could go to work the next day. You had to go to work the next day. Oh my god. Wow, that sounds like hell. And you had to pay the guy $450. And the funny thing about it... Bye, $450. And the funny thing about it is... Bye, Trash. And the funny thing about it is I didn't have that money.

You didn't have that money? No. Wow, so what'd you have to do? The cab driver called the cops and sat in front of my house until the cops came. And so the cops ended up coming, and they were like, Oh, you're cool. I can tell you're not trying to start any trouble. And I had a video game in my house, like a stand-up arcade game.

Yeah. Use that microphone right in front of your mouth. Guitar center. Guitar center. Keep it right there. Stop moving it away from your mouth. Yes. Keep it this.

Look at this. See how it stays right next to my mouth? Yes. Just keep it right there. I know this is nerve-wracking. It is. I know it. I can tell you're not comfortable right now.

So anyways, what happened was... He's like the kids at Disneyland when you show up. So what ended up happening was the cops sat in my living room for about an hour playing the video game so I can call someone to Venmo me the money to pay the cab driver. Wow. Texas is finest. What video game? It was one of those multi-games that had like Centipede and Dig Dug and stuff like that.

I loved good old Dig Dug. Any way to lure the kids in. And I ended up selling it to the cop. You sold it to the cop? The stand-up video game? Yeah. Wow. He called me every day for about two weeks begging me to sell it to him.

How much did you sell it to him for? It was like 400 bucks. There you go. You broke even on the cab ride. Isn't that crazy? All right, David.? It was like 400 bucks. There you go. You broke even on the cab ride. Isn't that crazy? All right, David. We'll go let you relax.

David Cook, ladies and gentlemen. David Cook. Yeah. There you go. All different shapes and sizes of people here. How about a hand for the amazing wait staff here at Hyenas? Some of the coolest people. We've had so much fun here this weekend.

Oh, shit. Ladies and gentlemen, every once in a while, we'll get a local hero that gets pulled out twice in the two shows that we have here, and this is one of them if you were at Thursday's show you know what the hell's about to happen

ladies and gentlemen I present to you Nikki Nikki everybody a Kill Tony legend Legend in the Making. Ha ha ha. Who likes butt stuff? Where's my straight guys at? And you guys ever do anything with your butt? Well, if you haven't, I highly recommend it.

You're missing out. You don't got to be gay to do stuff with your butt, just so you know. It's a whole little pleasure center you're kind of missing out on. Hey, there's Nicky. That's Nicky for you. If you're wondering, like, hey, what was all the hype with Nicky about? Like, this is it. This is exactly it.

There was a moment there where I thought he was about to shove that entire mic stand in his asshole. I thought he was all set up and he was just going to jump like the one comedian and then just fucking land like a goddamn Mario going down one of those tubes. I bet you wanted that.

What's that? You think people are going to fall in your little butt trap? What's going on there? The little brown fucking machine back there? Nikki, Nikki, Nikki, Nikki. Wow. You made a lot of the men in this room very nervous.

Even when you said where are my straight guys at, all the straight guys were like, is this some sort of trap? Fuck you asking for, dude? Don't you try no tricks on me, boy. So this is Nicky, Mark. I don't know if you've ever seen anything quite like this.

So confident. You're like my gay Tyler Durden. You look at the tattoos, the outfit. You're like a guy I would create in a video game. Well done. Grand Theft Auto, gay sex edition. Hell yeah. So, Nicky, we had a lot of fun with you on Thursday.

You became a running theme of the show. We were talking about all the cum that drips out of your asshole. That's why he's got to wear the trunks. Yeah, exactly. Oh, shit, there's a high five, and you've got AIDS. No, I'm kidding.

Just joking. You can't get AIDS from a high five. You can get it from a low five, if you know what I'm saying. I'm a bottom. Wow. So, Nicky, what's some interesting stuff that we haven't talked about with you before on stage? Like, what's the most stuff you've ever had in your butt? You talked about shoving things in your butt a lot during

the 60 seconds. I gave you from here and shit. Oh, wow. We've seen this before. This is Joe Rogan every once in a while comes in. We're all like crafty gay dudes. Oh, wow.

You have the power to summon Joe Rogan. We found this out a couple days ago. Yeah, I mean, ask the question, I'll answer it. Okay. Wow. All right, Nicky. So what's the craziest thing you've ever had in your butt? Dildo.

Come on. A dildo. That's pretty crazy, man. I mean, how many of y'all have had a dildo in your butt? Dildo? Come on. A dildo. That's pretty crazy, man. I mean, how many of y'all have had a dildo in your butt? Exactly. Alright, pretty crazy. Wow. How big was the dildo? What are we talking about here? Are we talking about fucking like three quarters of a twelve?

Three quarters of a twelve? Yo, are we talking guns here? Yeah, I just hit y'all with a fucking math quiz. Three quarters of a 12. Three quarters of a 12. What is that? Four?

That's right. Eight inches. Why not just get an eight incher? Huh? Why not just get an eight inch dill? Why, are you hitting on me right now? Maybe. Maybe I am.

Hell yeah. What would you do to Mark Norman if given the opportunity? If you just walked in, let's say you walked into his hotel room, and he's just strapped face down, chain his ankles and his arms, what would be the first thing you did to him? I guess it could be for any of us, if you have an answer for anybody. It doesn't have to be Mark. That's my queefing asshole.

That's what it sounds like. I guess I'd probably make his asshole queef. That's probably the correct answer. How would you do that? I don't know how that works. Explain to me how you... I can demonstrate if you want. Can you describe it in words since it's a podcast? I don't think the listeners would appreciate you doing

whatever you do to somebody's asshole to make a queef life. I got a tight hole there, sir. What do you do? You just like do like mouth to butt resuscitation? I'd start with one finger. I'm listening. Okay, Red Band.

That's your one fart noise. Get out of there. Okay, so what happens? You put a finger in there, but how do you get extra air in a butthole? Ooh, the fist. Wait, you just go from one finger to a fist? You said extra air. Jesus, that's like jumping to the end real quick, huh?

That's like the Tarantino movie or something like that. Like you see the end second. Right. By the way, this is the gayest conversation this Texas crowd has ever been exposed to. Hey, that's right. This is an educational show at times. A lot of these people have never seen anything like Nicky before.

Alright. Wow. You're also the horniest mannequin we've ever had on the show I know right That is incredible This Ken doll's got a dick Hell yeah that's true When's the last time you were with a woman

Shit man Couple years Is there anything you miss about women Or that you like Sex. Is there anything you miss about women or that you like sexually? Is there anything about them other than their

buttholes? I mean, everybody loves tits. Like, even gay men love tits. Yeah. Wow. That's like a thing.

I like that. Yeah. Red band? It's an American thing. You want to know the truth. There you go. Hell yeah. All right, Nicky.

What else? Anything about you we've never learned before? Any hobbies or anything fun? Well, I did mention spinning. I do like to spin. Right, you love spinning. And that's when I said, who do you do this spinning on? On Thursday. Some of these people weren't here.

Can I plug the spin studio? Sure, go ahead. Plug the spin studio. Trul go ahead, plug the spin studio Churlingo Cycle 3105 Reagan Street, Dallas, Texas Oh my god, that's the address You gave all the way down to the address That's basically like a fucking cat call

We got the best fitness package in Dallas $54.99, unlimited rides unlimited classes Everything you say sounds gay. It's incredible. It's like everything you say makes it sound like you're hitting on all the dudes. 84.49

Brownledge Drive. Just show up. I'll be on all fours. I didn't know he was really talking about spinning. I thought he was talking about spinning. Sitting on a dick and spinning it around in circles. That, too.

That was the joke that I made Thursday today and 20 seconds ago. Wow. Yeah, everything sounds gay with you. Yeah. What did you have for breakfast today? All right. Joe, settle down. All right. Ready? Yep. today. Alright. Joe, settle down.

Alright. Ready? Yep. So I intermittent fast today. So I didn't break fast until before the show I had some chips and salsa. Oh, hell yeah. That sounds gay too. When you say it, it sounds gay. It's incredible.

Stop sticking your tongue out at us, man. You like it. How about you do anything crazy right before you go to sleep? You seem like you would wear one of those sleep masks. I use a sleep mate. What is that? Sleep mate. Uh-huh.

What's his name? No, I'm kidding. What's a sleep mate? It's a little fan that helps you sleep. That's adorable. That's great. How far into your asshole do you need to shove it for it to work? Just leave it on the outside and it blows on it.

Is it one of those Asian fans? No, no, no. It's literally you plug it in and then you turn it on and it just makes a noise and then it helps you sleep. What does it sound like? Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. It sounds like an asshole when you're done with it. You just have to put one finger in it

and then fist it for it to turn on. Alright, Nicky. Is there a gay scene in Dallas? Yeah, there is. Oh, yeah? You know the reference for the Cedar Springs in Oak Lawn? Alright, Nicky. Is there a gay scene in Dallas? Yeah, there is. You know the reference for the Cedar Springs in Oklahoma? That's literally the cross section for the gayest area in Dallas. Hell yeah.

I didn't know that. That's where his spin studio is. It actually is. Is it really? Yeah. Oh my god. Do you guys even have stools on the spin bikes or is it just you just sit right on the tube and just start fucking pedaling? You just need to be able to fit

three quarters of twelve inches and then you can ride, you know? Oh my god. Has anyone made a joke about spinning on a dick yet? Have you covered that? Nikki, you're always so much fun. Like I said earlier, it's just fun to be able to make fun and all laugh together with different shapes and sizes of people. You know, there's definitely a thing right now going, you know, around on the Internet about how some people don't have a good sense of humor.

And there's definitely stereotypes of certain groups that I think are projected. definitely stereotypes of certain groups that I think are projected and uh I'll even go off on a limb and say I think that like it's sort of a thing that in the gay community since they've taken so many so much insult for so long that maybe they don't have such a great sense of humor about it and I see people like you that come on this show and uh prove all of that completely wrong I think I'm just saying I think you're a great example of a dude that's gay as fuck that can take a joke like a man. You know what I'm saying? Yes. You can take a joke like you take a fist easily.

Yeah. And with a big smile on your face. There he goes, Nicky, everybody. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Appreciate it. All right. Absolutely.

Look at all that cum just flowing out of his asshole. It's now a slip and slide in the middle aisle. Snail trails. My goodness. God hates God hates God hates

Wow. Little Westboro remix. Wow Little Westboro remix You guys having fun out there? It's a beautiful day Okay How about a hand for Anthony Walton Everyone Anthony Walton, everyone?

Anthony Walton. All right, Walton. Yo, what's up, honkies? Right on. Most people are like, you can't say that, Right on. You know? Most people are like, you can't say that, but I'm half racist.

Come on. My name's Anthony Walton. Anthony Eric Walton. Pretty sure my parents named me that so I could have a head start at life on paper. But speaking of real slurs, it's called a beaner today. I know, that's how I felt. And I had this intense feeling on the inside of like, finally, someone's gotten it right.

Usually mistaken for being Asian. Ever since I was a little boy, people would think I was adopted. They'd be like, look there, Sheila. The Waltons flotting their money around. They even got themselves a Chinese baby. I thought my family was like the Waltons that owned Walmart.

Even though we lived in a trailer park. Thank you. Hell yeah. Anthony Walton Face the audience You're facing us You have the back to the audience You look like anti-Japanese propaganda Facing that way

I don't know why you're squaring up to me like that There you go See that's better That's more comfortable You look like Mr. Miyagi, the origin story. Looks like a George Lucas fucked an Ewok. You're like an Asian hipster.

You're a nipster. It's an old slur. I'm trying to bring it back. You look like Judge Ito's gay son. Yeah, you look like a Ito's gay son. Yeah, you look like a guy who hates Shane Gillis. What are you really? What's your real ethnicity?

Mexican. White and Mexican. I would just go with white Mexican from now on. Okay, so white queso. Okay. Your Tex-Mex. Yeah. So your dad's the Mexican?

No, he's white. Oh, family old Mexican mom. How'd they meet? About 40, 50 years ago at his job. At his job. No, he's still not Asian, Brian. That's still Asian music. So what does he do? Border patrol?

Yeah. Nah, he used to work at like car parts, like plants, power plant that make GMC and shit. Right. And, hey, shut the fuck up, sir. You shut up. We don't want to hear your bad jokes. You stop it.

If at any point this guy gets an attitude again, just give him one of your patented ninja kicks that your types of people do. You know what I'm saying? Dude, look Asian. It's crazy. You're looking at a Chinese director. Yeah, you really do. Is your dad a good driver?

Yeah. He's white. My mom isn't. Well, she's a woman. Her name's a woman. Ah. Yeah. Her name's Ali Wong. Is it true that you're the baby that Ali Wong had from her first special?

Yeah. All right. You're not Asian. But you love Asian food, right? Fuck yeah, man. Heck yeah. What's your favorite thing? What do you get when you go out for Asian?

The American thing, the orange chicken. Yeah. Delicious. It's their best dish. Super authentic. Yeah. Wow. What do you like to do for fun, Anthony?

You know, go to wrestling shows and metal shows. You've been on this show before, right? No, but we chit-chatted. Oh, okay. Wrestling shows, like WWE? Yeah. No, but we chit-chatted. Oh, okay. Wrestling shows, like WWE? Yeah. No, high school boys wrestling. Well, there's different

things now. Local wrestling. Oh, local wrestling. Yeah, that makes sense. Hell yeah. How about other than going to wrestling shows, what else? Metal shows. Metal shows, really? That's what you're into? Yeah. You ever play any music? No.

I wanted to be like a guitarist, like metal vocalist, but sucked at that. You suck at it? Have you ever tried it? You ever sing like a line from a metal song in front of a group of people before? No. Oh, yeah. I think these people wanted you to give it a try. You might as well just jump right into it

without overthinking about it too much. So just go ahead and don't think about it. Just lose yourself in the music the moment you want it. You better never let it go. You only get one shot. Don't miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime. So this is it.

It's gonna be bad. Hold on. Okay, Brian, I don't know. Brian, who has no talent in music whatsoever, does this thing where he brings up instruments and pretends like he knows what he's doing. All right. This sounds just like a heavy metal concert.

That really takes you there. Okay, you go ahead. Don't help him. Here we are at Kill Tony! That was actually pretty good. Yeah. That was one of the better metal performances. Yes.

You Asians and your precious metals. You know what I mean? Yeah, was that from Ailan Maiden? Oh, dude, you probably thought I was Pung. Yeah, whatever. What's your love life like? It's pretty awesome. Yeah, what's that mean?

Living with my girlfriend. Oh, that's cool. How long have you two been together? Last February. Oh, last February. What does she do? Sells jewelry at a jewelry store. Oh, wow. Look at that.

Jade. Did I ask you what you do? No. What do you do? Work maintenance at a hotel. Oh, maintenance at a hotel. Big chain? Marriott. How'd you learn maintenance

from your Mexican mother? Honestly, they just threw me on and I had to Google and YouTube shit. One of my bosses off and I'm the only one there. It's amazing the stuff you can YouTube and just learn. The only thing you can't is how to lose a lisp I learned today. It's the only thing.

You would think that's out there. It's a problem that's just worldwide. But it turns out no way you could ever get better at that. Once you have a lisp, it never goes away. Wow. It's crazy how Asian you look.isp, it never goes away. Wow. It's crazy how Asian you look. Yeah, it really is. It's unbelievable. It's a goddammit.

Wow. Look at the audience when he takes off his glasses. Hello, it is me. You are not allowed to do an impression of Asian man no more. You will get the cancer. No Saturday night arrival for you, Tony.

Build that great wall. It's crazy. You guys are pushing to the limit. Must be fun for the gals, though, when you drop trowel and they realize... Yeah, look at that. The big fucking misdirect. Oh, my God, I thought you were Asian. Yeah.

You went from an egg roll to a tamale. Yeah. Who knows? This guy might have a fucking bean burrito down there. You know what I'm saying? He might have a fucking, yeah. All right, let's keep moving along. That was Anthony Walton, everyone.

Come on, let's keep getting through this fucking vase. Absolutely. Sweet. Maybe set of the night so far. Hell yeah. How about a hand for the band, everybody? Our band is so cool, and they help us out with so many things all the time,

and they remind me of Infinite CBD. It's our favorite uh cbd product we've been using it for a long time now our close family members use it our friends use it i like the freezing point topical cream pain reliever it reduces inflammation the gummies can help you relax and go to bed and then nano enhancer is a highly absorbent nano cbd add five milligram drop to anything water coffee energy drink and here's why we love working with infinite cbd it's because they offer the cleanest healthiest purest forms of cbd available the hemp groans organically in colorado and they

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take one of the CBD nanotechnology detox shots. It's highly absorbent, reduces inflammation. It's great for post-drinking. Formulated with milk thistle and ginger and beetroot. CBD AM pills are my favorite.

They combine caffeine and CBD. So go to InfiniteCBD.com and if you use promo code TONY15, you get 15% off. That's InfiniteCBD.com. Use the promo code TONY15 for 15% off. You're pulling a real Trudeau.

Yeah. True that. Skinny jean fat dick. All on your face like click clack. Hot little rum rum. Where you at? All right. Yeah.

That's not really working. Yeah, let's go back to those spinner jokes. Skrt, skrt. Okay. Okay. Okay. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Arturo Latigo. That's a good name.

I like this name. Arturo Latigo. What's up, Dallas? How many of you like sports? Yeah. Me neither. I was in a real pickle the other day. I was yelling at the top of my lungs, Mom! We're out of toilet paper! Mom! We're out of toilet paper. Mom! We're out of toilet paper. And then out of nowhere, five minutes later, Sir, toilet paper is aisle three. And you're going to have to pay for that pickle.

A little bit about myself I only like sharing a little bit about myself at a time For example For example I suck at giving examples Fuck yeah, Arturo Letigo Absolutely For example, I suck at giving examples. Fuck yeah, Arturo Letigo. Absolutely. Absolutely.

He's going in for fist bumps, this guy. Hell yeah. How long have you been a back-of-the-bus lawyer? Never. Never. Never. Did you drink a little bit today before coming in? Yes, I'm not a drinker, but there's a two-drink minimum, so... So you decided to just slam those down as fast as you could?

And I drank a shitload last night at Guns N' Roses. Anybody go to Guns N' Roses yesterday? No. Wow, not a single human went to Guns N' Roses. Why, why, why, why, why? Oh, wow. That's a good impression. I like that.

You look like the husband in the background of the cuck porn. That's true. Oh, hell yeah. There he goes, sunglasses on. Look at this little Mexican John Lovitz up here right now. That's the tiki? Well... Arturo, what's your story?

Is this your first time doing stand-up? Yes. Hey, look at that. Hey, all right. Oh, yeah. Nothing better than a couple margaritas in your system before doing stand-up in front of a packed crowd. I love this show so much, dude.

You do? Yeah. What's your favorite thing about it? It has music, stand-up, improv, roast. I like your fucking... You're absolutely right. You know what? Your set was unbelievable tonight.

One of the funniest human beings. If you want to be the new regular, you got it, dude. We've been looking for a fucking 57-year-old guy with no experience to just lug around the world with us experience to just fucking lug around the world with us. I just turned 40, so... Perfect!

Oh, you look terrible. Holy hell. You were 68. I agree, man. I'm hungover as fuck. You've had a fun life, huh? You've been drinking hard your whole life? No, dude. I hardly drink. I smoke more than I drink. Yeah, what do you like to smoke?

Smoking all night. Good, good. What do you do, though? You roll blunts? Lately, just vaping. Oh, you gonna die. Man, Arturos, what have you been doing your whole life? What do you do for work?

My cousin Lil' Vague I'm a real estate agent I was a banker, then I became a real estate agent Wow, look at you How long have you been doing that for? You're successful at it? Yeah, I'm alright Going to Guns N' Roses concerts and shit?

I saw Seinfeld last week in Vegas And saw the Eagles and the Righteous Brothers Old people, Righteous Brothers. God damn, are you sure you're not a white guy? You going to the OC Fair next week? No, the Guns N' Roses, man, they kicked ass. You are the whitest Mexican guy I've ever seen before. Not by appearance.

Whiter than the Asian Mexican? This is fun. Man, tell us something that's not white about you. What's the most Latino thing about you? The most Latino thing about me? Other than your appearance and everything, on the inside, what's something that you do that's Latino?

What's something true to your culture? I speak Spanish. I think it's got to be the day drinking. This is the earliest I've drank in years. I love it You have kids Or anything like that Fuck no

Fuck no You ever been married No fuck no No You ever had sex With Nikki before I don't think so You never went in

For a little spin class Let me look at him again Where is he Where'd he go He's probably Bent over right now Oh there he is He's over there Hey look at that He's doing a little He's probably bent over right now Oh, there he is He's over there

Hey, look at that He's doing a little three He's showing you his backside Just in case you want to shop the goods Actually, last night Nicky was at Buns and Roses Yeah Hey, look at that

There's Strollberg Buns and Roses There's Strollberg. Buns and roses. Welcome to my butthole. Ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow. Nikki spends a lot of time. Where na-na-na-na knees. Wow.

Arturo, you ever do any... When you were young. And your butt was an open book. Okay. Arturo. Yes, sir. You ever been with a man before? Fuck no.

Fuck no. All your answers are so, like, aggressive. I'm true to myself, bro. What, what? I'm going to answer honestly. You spend a lot of time with the ladies? Do you have any secret moves in the bedroom that we need to know about? You seem like you'd have a little trick like when eating pussy or something like that.

Oh, the mic's going in a mic stand. Wow, look at this. What are you about to do? I do. I suck in as much as I can into my mouth, and then I use my tongue. Wow, wow, sweet tongue of mine. It does work. It does work It does work

For real Yeah You ever just warm them up A little bit You start slow on that vagina Or do you just go straight For that blowfish mentality You just do the instant

You just The old vacuum And fucking aggressive Sandpaper tongue I see a lot of women Covering their face out there They've had this happen To them before

Nothing worse than a Straight from the bat Aggressive pussy eater Right Just fucking gets right in Thinks they can make you covering their face out there. They've had this happen to them before. Nothing worse than a straight-from-the-bat aggressive pussy eater, right? Just fucking gets right in, thinks they can make you come in 15 seconds, and is just doing everything to not verbally say the word owl. I feel like when you eat a girl out,

you wear the shades. Yeah. Pussy's so bright, you gotta wear shades. We're going down yeah yeah yeah oh man

these SoundCloud rappers are just googling Guns N' Roses references right now no I'm kidding wow so you wear your you always keep sunglasses on you like that? Like you seem like you have a convertible, am I correct? I had a convertible at one point.

Oh, wow. Repossessed? No. Yo, which midlife crisis was that? My first one. Yeah, what happened there? You ever been arrested? Yes.

For what? Yo, you look like a Margaritaville vampire right now. I look like Grandpa Munster, Fuck the Maid. This guy, the Eagles. Nothing past the 80s. GNR. I just turned 40.

My childhood's over. What do you like to spend all your real estate money on when you're not going to concerts? Is there any place you like to spend all your real estate money on when you're not going to concerts? Is there anything else? Any place you like to vacation to or anything like that? Concerts, man. And music gear. I play music. I'm a musician.

What kind of music do you play? I play bass, everything. You play everything on the bass? Oh, yeah. Really? Any other instruments? Guitar, piano. You like the cocaine? No. Come on. No, piano. You like the cocaine? No. Come on.

No, honestly. You don't fuck with it? Fuck no. I had an Adderall prescription for a while. There we go. Hell yeah. I got promoted like this when I was on Adderall. Really?

My God. Look at that. From busboy to bagbanger? No, but I made 9th in the nation classical bass with a bow. And I played with jazz bands, played with jazz bands, played. Wait, you played. Can you, wait a second. Can we see a little bit more of that air bass again?

Can you show us again how you play it? Wow. It almost sounds like you have no idea how music play it. Wow. It almost sounds like you have no idea how music works whatsoever. Like, it looks like you're playing, but what I'm hearing is...

I know how music works, Tony. All right. It looks like he plays the bass worse than he eats pussy. All right. Well, Arturo, we had a lot of fun with you up here tonight.

Yo, you didn't have to take that seriously. Don't ever touch my nose, bitch. Arturo, Arturo, over here. Stick with me over here. Everything's going to be good. Big schnozzy. You got a few drinks in your system. So, Arturo, is stand-up something that you've always wanted to do?

I love it. It's an art form that I appreciate so much. Okay. What are you doing over here? That's all I watch on Netflix. Yeah, I got you. How old are you again? 40. 40. And you just had

your first set here tonight. You took everything right on the chin. You're a good sport. Maybe it's the unbelievable fact that you're already over the legal limit this early in the day. I'm five years older than him. Isn't that freaky? You are? Yeah, that is

freaky. You're not supposed to look worse than Red Band, bro. That's incredible. That is... Are you sure? Wait, you're... Wait a second. I'm 40.

Come on. You're 4-0? 4-0. You're fucking with us. No, you're... Take off your glasses. How old is that in groundhog years? He looks like a groundhog.

There's no fucking way. Yeah, no, I'm gonna check it. Let me see this fucking thing. Get the fuck... Wow, look at that. Oh, my God. Arturo, what have you been doing, dude? Let me see this fucking thing. Wow, look at that. Oh my God. Arturo, what have you been doing, dude?

You've been dabbling in meth a little bit? No. I didn't sleep last night. I was out all day. You had soup last night? I didn't sleep last night. Oh my God. This is unbelievable. Whoa, you have the same birthday Five years apart

Hey That is incredible Brown band That's a sign Whoever That's just proof That whoever's born On fucking

August 4th Looks ten years older Than they are That's incredible Hey I play soccer Four times a week So Wow

Wow With your face So Gold locker four times a week. Wow. With your face? Gold! Goldberg. Alright, there he goes. Arturo Letigo, everybody. You were fun, Arturo. Rock and roll.

Yes. Thank you for being a fan. Travel down the world and back again. Be careful, Leo. Be careful, Arturo. Arturo, make sure you drink a couple fucking waters before driving home today. Back to the vase we go.

We're having fun out there, right? Everybody having a good time? Everybody cozy? Let's see what happens next. Make some noise for Kellen Ingram, everyone. Kellen Ingram! Make some noise for Kellen Ingram, everyone. Kellen Ingram. Here he is.

Kellen Ingram, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for Kellen. All right. Where my white people at? And how about my black people? Yeah, that's what I thought. So, I've been told I'm intimidating until people hear my voice and the way I speak.

Yeah, it's kind of true. I'm not that tough. I mean, really, the toughest thing I've ever done, though, is maybe defend Red Band on YouTube. You know? I was like, hey, the podcast is coming out soon, guys. Just give him a chance. He's busy. But yeah, that's about it.

I mean... I mean, if that doesn't get me there, I don't know what else will. Thank you. I love it. Gell Ingram everybody Kellen, first thing I want to say is that I think that it is absolutely so cool that you that you

that you hugged that girl that officer that shot your brother. You know, when you went over there, after all that happened, you showed that... forgiving someone is what's really important. You know what I mean? Appreciate that.

This is your first time doing stand-up? Yeah, first time. How about that? Put your hands together for Kellen Ingram. He had the balls to fucking sign up. Absolutely. Welcome, welcome. How old are you?

26. 26? Fucking awesome. What do you do? I'm a fiber tech for Facebook, for the Facebook data center over in Fort Worth. What does that mean exactly? It sounds more exciting than it is.

We basically just run the cable, test it, hook it up to the equipment, make sure it's all working properly and connect all their buildings around the country. Oh, cool. Wow, look at that. How long have you been doing that for? Eight years.

Straight out of high school. Damn, that's incredible. How do you get a job like that right out of high school? Nepotism. Wow, look at that. I was you get a job like that right out of high school? Nepotism. Wow. Look at that. I was going to say affirmative action. My God. I didn't realize they had nepotism over

at Facebook. What are you, on black Facebook? Nepotism. Is that your sister's name? Nepotism. Nepotism Sorry there sir Nepotism you better get me that job Oh boy The longer you stay up here

The blacker I feel So keep going Yeah this is great So Kellen That is so cool How about for fun or I feel, so keep going. Yeah, this is great. So, Kellen, that is so cool. How about for fun? What things are you into? What do you do?

You seem like, surprisingly, my guess is that you can't dunk with two hands. Oh, no, no, I can jump way higher than that other guy. Whoa! He touched that silver rod there. I think I could hit the ceiling, honestly. Whoa! Is that true?

It's pretty high up there. If I had enough room, yeah. How many of you want to see this guy try to jump up and hit that ceiling? Just be careful. Don't hurt yourself, all right? Don't twist an ankle. Whatever you do, don't hurt yourself. Kill Tony and Hyena's Comedy Club are not responsible for any injuries.

Watch that symbol. Look to your left. Watch that. Don't hit your hand on that. Here he is jumping. Kellen Ingram, ladies and gentlemen, live on Kill Tony Dallas. Whoa! Oh, my God. That's incredible. Whoa! Oh, my God. That's incredible.

Yes. Wow. Dude, you're all ashy now. Wow. Stereotypes. That was incredible. All the chubby white girls just wet themselves right now. Hell, yeah.

I know. Nikki's never been so hard. That was very impressive. Look at that. My goodness. Wow. That's one of these stereotypes. Damn.

That was impressive. Look at all those keys you have, too. That's a lot of keys. My goodness. You have two car keys. What are those, all stolen cars? Yeah. Come on.

That's so fun. What kind of car do you have? Hyundai. Hyundai Sonata. Whoa. Paid for? Almost. I bought it because it was cheap. I used to work on the road a lot with the last job I had before Facebook.

I used to work on the road so I wanted a cheap car since I wasn't going to be driving it. I love it because it was cheap. I used to work on the road a lot with the last job I had before Facebook. I used to work on the road, so I wanted a cheap car since I wasn't going to be driving it. I love it. That was the plan with that. What's your love life like? I've got a fiance. Oh, yeah? Is she out there in the audience? Yep, she's out there.

Oh, yeah? Where's she at? Point her out to me. Not a black woman, I take it? Oh, hell yeah. Look at that. Look at that. Hey.

Fuck yeah. She was one of the three. Nubian queen. Wow, gorgeous. Look at that. Hey. Fuck yeah. She was one of the three. Nubian queen. Wow, gorgeous. I loved her on I Love New York. It's one of my favorite shows. It's an old reference, but I'll never get over it. Well done.

Well done. What does she do? She works in reinsurance. She's like an analyst for them. Wow. What does it analyze? Like insurance policies and stuff for some of the high risk things and sends those back into companies. She's like an analyst for them. Wow. What is it? Analyze insurance policies and stuff for some of the high-risk things and sends those back

in the company. That's so cool. When are you guys getting married? January. Wow. It's right around the corner. That is so cool. Did you propose in any special way or anything like that? Yeah, we were in Colorado when I proposed. Whoa. Look at that. Getting whiter. How'd you do it?

You were up in the mountains or something like that, and you're like, oh, it looks like I found a rock. I wish I thought of that. Wow, you love crack rocks. Oh, my God. All right. I'm just running out of stereotypes, folks. How'd you do it?

You got down on one knee, and would you say something special? What'd you say? Hey, man, put me on the spot. All right. I'm getting choked up here, Tony. It started like the beginning of a Barry White song. Or like a Kaepernick game. Oh, my God.

Now, you're going to throw me off, man. Yeah. It seems good. If it's messing you up, then I'm glad that I asked the question. No, so we were trying to get the fire stick hooked up in the living room to watch TV. Like an Amazon. Amazon. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. We were trying to get that hooked up in the living room, and we were looking for the remote. And I knew she left it in her suitcase. So we walked back into our room. Or she walked into our room first, and I had the ring in my pocket. So I waited for her to go in there and search in her bag. And then as she was searching in her bag, I got down on my knee. And then when she turned around, I was there.

Wow. Holy shit. The old Amazon fire engagement. Yeah. I'm glad you prepared that more than your set tonight. My goodness. Well, look at that. True love.

Absolutely. That is so cool. How long have you two been together? Actually, just a little over two years. Wow. Quick. two years. Wow. Quick. Two years. Well, you got it all together, man.

I mean, you're having fun with life. You're 26. You have a great job. You have a beautiful fiance. You're out here having fun, doing things. I like your style, Kellen. You're a badass motherfucker. How about a hand for Kellen Ingram, everyone?

Yeah, Kellen! His first time ever doing stand-up. Great arms. Let's go back to the bass again real quick here. Put your hands together for Lugman Alhad. Is that a real name? Lugman? Lug together for Lugman Alhad.

Is that a real name? Lugman? Lugman? Lugman Alhad? Lugman. Here he comes. Here comes Lugman. Oh, shit.

Damn. One more time. One more time for Lugman, everybody. Here he is. Am I saying that right? What's up, guys? So I'm Lebanese-American, the hairiest of the brown people.

Yeah, man, I know you're looking up here. I've got a thick, full head of hair. But if I'm being honest with you, this shit grows everywhere, man. It's a package deal. So... But if I'm being honest with you, the shit grows everywhere, man. It's a package deal. I remember in middle school once I shaved my legs. My dad was a tough man.

He didn't like that very much. I heard him whispering to my mom. He was like, oh my God, first he shaves his legs. Then he dance in the disco. Then he take all the drugs. Then he takes all the drugs. Then he has the AIDS. What my dad didn't understand at the time was middle school girls are mean to hormonal teenagers. They're real hairy.

What I didn't understand at the time was that girls are secretly freaks. They love furry men. They just gotta graduate college for those daddy issues to kick in. Wow. There you go. Lugman Alhad.

Hell yeah, dude. Your hair is, you do do have very very fucking thick hair You are Definitely a Lebanese guy It's incredible He looks like Aladdin if he never became a king Hashtag street rat You mentioned your hair

Does the flying carpet match the drapes That is incredible Hashtag street rat. You mentioned your hair. Does the flying carpet match the drapes? That is incredible. Man, how do you keep that from getting into the back of your Uber? What do you do for work, Lugman? Am I saying that right? Lugman? I go by Lugman. It's Lugman.

Lugman. Yeah, I go by Lug. Lug. Yeah, I'm in digital advertising. I have a Shopify store and some little stuff like that. Oh, cool. You go to nightclubs a lot, buy bottles with flashlights popping on and off and shit. Once upon a time.

Not anymore, man. Yeah, not anymore. How old are you now? 26. 26. 26. You're all grown up. You're long past the age in which Lebanese men go to nightclubs. Oh, easy there, luggy.

Oh, be careful. My goodness. You have the same balance as fucking Arturo Letigo. Good looking guy. I mean, you probably never have to get a hookah. So, Lugman, what's your love life like? You seem like the gigolo from Deuce Bigelow, Male Gigolo, the one that Deuce has to watch his apartment while he's away.

The one with the big fish tank? You ever seen that movie? Yeah, yeah, I see. You take care of things while I'm gone, Deuce. Whatever. I don't really remember it it's been 20 years since I saw that movie look at you you made out of olive oil man you're fucking greasy look like a werewolf mid-transition yeah

oh yeah so what's your love life like very romantic no man I don't get that much going on what I got a girl but yeah You got a girl what ethnicity is she She's white Oh white girl hell yeah Fuck yeah He looks like his first words as a baby were Buddy buddy buddy

I bet you got a Decent dick but I bet the hair Grows all the way to the head Yeah it's true It's a hairy shaft With the Lebanese dick, but I bet the hair grows all the way to the head. Yeah, it's true. It's a hairy shaft with the Lebanese folk. Are we close to right on this? You got little fucking Elvis sideburns

on your cock? Yeah, for sure, man, but it's big enough. It's all good. What's that? Let me ask you this. Your girl ever play with your ass a little bit? She ever find your asshole at all? She's got a tough time finding it. I bet Nikki

I bet Nikki could find it in five seconds. That fucking guy will get right in there like a goddamn like an algae eater. Yeah, you got fucking falafel dingleberries back there. Hell yeah, dude. It's fucking

real goddamn tahiniberries back there. Hell yeah, dude. It's fucking real goddamn tahini salad down there. Oh, yeah. So, Lugman, what's your family like? Your dad must be more Lebanese than even you are. Yeah, he's straight from the war. He came here when he was 18.

Wow, wow. What does he say to you when he sees you wear that shirt out? Lugman, you dress like fag again. Why not be a real man? Wear plain black T-shirt with black pants. No, for real, though. My parents prefer baggy clothing, you know? Yes, we love everything baggy.

We like to go. All right. Baggy. So your dad probably wants you to get in the family business, you know? A lull cart? No, no. That might be a New York thing. Sorry.

My dad's an engineer. They're the other type of brown people. Oh, got it, got it. So, Lugman, is this your first time doing stand-up? Yeah, yeah, that's my first time on stage. Hell yeah, that's so cool. How about a hand for Lugman? It's his first time.

All right, Lugie. How do you feel up here? Does it feel comfortable for you? Yeah, it's more comfortable than I thought it would be when I was sitting over there. You ever do anything else on a stage ever before? I sang in a talent show in college once. Really? What'd you sing?

You know. Yeah, I do. Actually, I do want to know. A whole new world. I sang Alicia Keys. Alicia Keys? Yeah, I sang Some People Want It All or whatever. Why don't you hit the big part of that song for us?

We all want to hear it. Come on. No doubt about it. Some people want diamond rings. No, come on. Nope. You got to fucking hit it, dude. There's no way.

I'll keep you here all night. You better fucking just keep going. Yikes. You better summon the demons inside of you right now. I don't really remember it. Oh, man. I heard better things from Isis. How many of you want to see this guy sing his fucking heart out? There's the words right here.

They're going to pop up any second. You're damn right they are. You better get your fucking act together, pal. There's no backing out now you hairy bitch some people live for the fortune some people live just for the fame Wow some people live for the power yeah some people live for the power, yeah.

Some people live just to play the game. Oh, shit. Some people think that the physical things do. Oh, my God. I'm about out. Now, the good part's coming up. You better fucking keep going. You think your Lebanese father ever quit

when he was fighting in the army? Better sing your Alicia Keys. Some people want it all But I don't want nothing at all If it ain't you, baby Jeremiah, don't help this fucking guy. All right, all right. Stop this.

Stop it. Stop it. All right. There you go. There you go. Yes. Jeremiah saves the day for him. Put your hands together for Lugman Al-Had, everyone.

Lugman Al-Had. All right, Lugie. There we go. Lugie, there he goes. I want to stab myself with a curvy sword. Yeah. Yeah, that was one of the most unbelievably bad performances I've ever seen on this show.

That was my 9-11. And the singing, too. That was incredible. Let's do something fun, shall we? You guys like fun things, huh? Yeah. So let's do something fun. You know what?

Let's do something else before we do something fun. I wonder if Nicky would bang that guy. Would you bang him, Nicky? Oh, shit. All right. Nicky's already on his Lebanese. I'm going to be honest with you guys normally I don't shoehorn

something into the show like what I'm about to do but when we go to different cities sometimes some drum sets are better than other drum sets and we have an amazing well put together drum set here tonight that

Hyena's got for us for the weekend. And I'm just wondering if there's anybody out there that knows how to play the drums that might be interested in having a... This guy right here, you were the first to stand up. Did you sign up tonight? You put your name in the bucket? What's your name? Chris Baum.

Chris Baum? Ball. Ball? You want to do the minute? Yeah. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Chris Ball. Let's see him do a minute real quick. And then he's going to go straight into a Mexican drama, but we're going to hear his set first.

One more time for Chris, everybody. All right, Chris. Has your dick ever gotten so hard you had to take a picture of it? You know, I think the only reason they haven't legalized medical marijuana in the state of Texas is because of the one-hour, 55-ounce steak challenge out of Amarillo.

Shouts out. You know, this one's weird, guys, but recently my mom, she asked me to get her some KY jelly, and I was like, Mom, that's fucking disgusting. Like, what are you even asking me to do? So I went over

to Sarah's Secret, and I bought her some Elite Velvet Touch silicone gliding massage, which is like the best shit you can get. I'm also going to start an app. It's going to be renting out sex dungeons to people. It's a safe space for bondage. It's going to be called Airbnb DSM. Thank you.

That's all I got. Thank you, guys. Wow, look at that. 57 seconds of thunder. So this is true. Look at you. Yes, sir. Have you ever done stand-up before?

This is my first time. Wow, you seem excited. Yeah. Heck yeah. Absolutely. I haven't seen you since the big inauguration. For those of you wondering, this is Barron Trump, everybody, all grown up. This is what little 11-year-old Barron Trump looks like now.

What do you think about this little baby gorilla up here? I think he looks like if Buzz Lightyear was a Little League coach. Oh, my God. I love you, Mark Norman. Hey, it's good to be here. Look at you. You're just a big fucking baby. Let's check in with Big Schnazzy over there.

Hey, what was that thing about the KY jelly? It just kind of stopped, and then I was like, did you just buy KY jelly for your mom, and then you called it a joke? Yeah, what was that? Okay, so this is all real. To preface this, I'm not trying to be funny. The joke was that she asked me to get KY jelly,

but I got her something way better than KY jelly. The reason that she asked me to get KY Jelly, but I got her something way better than KY Jelly. The reason that she asked me to get KY Jelly is because she recently had colon cancer and radiation, and if she didn't use a dildo, her vagina was going to close up. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Yo, what's your mom's number, dawg? Wow. So you really got your mom KY Jelly, dog. Wow. So you really got your mom

KY Jelly and a dildo? She got the dildo from the hospital. Wow. It was probably not the best hospital dildo. That's interesting. You could have just spit on it for her. Oh. Red band.

Trash Can Oh my goodness, what'd you do this time? Would you ever do that if she really needed it? She ever really, really needed it? She's like, please, Chris, spit on my dildo I can feel it, My vagina is closing permanently. If she needs a starter kit, just call Big Schnazzy. I get in there.

Does she still have to use it? How long did that last? I couldn't tell you. It's just while the radiation is still working. Wow. Imagine Indiana Jones reaching his hand in there and grabbing his hat. Jesus Christ. Red man.

Wow. So let's just get right into it, Chris. You've been playing drums for how long? Since about nine years. Whoa. Wouldn't that be something? This seems like it might be a real competition here. You guys like Mexican drum-offs?

Well, then let's have one. Grab a seat, Chris. You guys know how this works. Maybe it's your first time watching the show. The usual drummer, as you saw earlier, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, has never lost one of these. This is a drum solo competition

in which everything counts. The drum solo itself, comedic overall value, an overall performance that moves the crowd. It's very hard to beat Joel at his own game. This is a Mexican drum off,

but if Chris somehow pulls out a victory here, let it be known that he becomes the brand new drummer for the cast of Kill Tony. Full time. That means he moves to Los Angeles. He goes to

Australia with us in three weeks. He goes to San Francisco and Sacramento with us in two weeks. However, it's never happened before, Chris. Are you nervous right now? Are you excited talking to that microphone? Whoa! I'm really excited.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Chris! Thank you. Wow. Wow. Wow. It's like some bitches groove. Wow. Very jazzy drum solo.

That's incredible. Put your hands together for Chris, everyone. Fix that snare drum for him real quick so that he's not too thrown off. Yo, his titties on fleek, y'all. Yeah, man. That was like some Miles Davis shit. Yeah, it's like fattest dominoes over here. That was incredible. Well, guys, I mean, this is a tough one.

Dallas Tech, Chris, stay up here. Chris, stay up here. That was like cool whiplash. Stand over here in this corner so that you can watch your hopes and dreams get crushed. Ladies and gentlemen, who knows? Maybe he could pull it off. But I present

to you, undefeated all time in Mexican drum-offs, the one, the only, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Here we go. He's never lost one of these. I wanted to do one for you here in Dallas because we love you. Oh, shit! Oh, my God.

What is going on there? This is unbelievable. This is quite the remix. By the way, that is his real dick in that sock, by the way, for those of you wondering. That's the baked potato we speak of quite often. It's nice to have the dad from The Incredibles here. Woo!

You guys ready for a fucking Mexican drum off? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one and the only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Wow. Wow. Oh, shit. Here he goes. Whoa. The patented double birds.

Hold on. Oh Oh my goodness gracious. Whoa. The foot behind the head for a little icing on the cake. Look at this entire crowd. Whoa. Oh my god. Go fuck yourself. He's got a fucking dildo. He's got the dildo that he bought his own mother.

he's got the dildo that he bought his own mother he brought his mom's dildo wow just absolutely incredible wow just out of Kyria give that dildo to his mom maybe later

how many of you guys have Chris winning this thing? How many of you guys have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez winning it? Oh, boy, oh, boy. It's like you did it again, Joel. All right, there goes Chris, everybody. Come on, one more time for Chris, everyone. His first ever time on stage.

Some great jazz drumming. Man, it's fun to watch the tits and then the dick. You guys want to go back to the bucket one more time, huh? I think we should do this and then that, right? That and then that. I'm sort of 50-50 on it.

Yeah, we'll do one more quick one. Oh, there goes Joel. Joel's going to go put on clothes. For those of you just listening to the podcast, Joel did something really interesting on this one. He had a hole cut out of his underwear, his dick through the hole, and a sock over his dick.

That is the full evolution of Joel Berger. For the YouTube, there's a lot of trunk that I have to censor from that. And he pulled my dick off and used it as a drumstick. I was the one in your pants.

Wow, you SoundCloud rappers even have purple cocks. That's incredible. All right, pulled a name out of the bucket. We know this young man, actually. This is very exciting. Great local Dallas comedian. Put your hands together for Tony Casillas, everyone.

Here we go. Tony Casillas. Here he go. Tony Casillas. Here he comes. Come on, one more time good and loud for your final comedian of the night, Tony Casillas. Guys, let's get the obvious out of the way real quick.

I know I look like a lesbian version of Drew Carey. Okay, fuck you. You laughed at that a little bit too hard. Anybody here the fat friend of their friend group? This is Texas. Some people are lying to themselves. I hate being the fat friend of my friend group because when I go out to eat with them,

I have to order a normal-sized meal, and I can't put a ranch on my nipples like I do when I'm at home. My friends are like, Tony, you're embarrassing us. I'm like, but they are dry. Like, I have to do something. I did that joke in Oklahoma, and after the show, this lady comes up to me, and she goes,

no, Tony, ranch goes down here. Blue cheese goes up here. I go, ma'am, it's just a joke. Guys, I went back to my motel room and tried it. Holy shit, was she right. First time anybody was right in Oklahoma. Also, I get why they call it Hidden Valley now. Thank you, guys.

There you go. Tony Casillas, everyone. You do look like a lesbian version of Drew Carey. You took that one right away from me there. That's great. I had to scratch it out. It was the first thing I wrote down when I saw your fucking giant fucking lesbo Drew Carey head. Look at you.

I think you gotta update that to Nanette. You got some fucking Hannah Gatsby going on in there. Except you have more punchlines in 60 seconds than she did in her hour. And nobody's going to rape you.

For sure. My goodness. Tony, so how long has it been since you had your house lifted with a bunch of balloons? About five years. Hell yeah. We got to keep it moving along, Tony.

Is there anything crazy about your life or history or fun facts about you that would be interesting to talk about right now? I almost got a bowling scholarship. Were you going to be one of the balls? Hell yeah. What happened? You didn't get the bowling scholarship?

No, he was too in shape. Then what happened? Your life went right into the gutter? Man, he ate all the turkeys. Hell yeah. You look like you're about 300 right now, huh? Oh, God. 275, Tony.

Almost perfect. That's funny. What do you weigh? A perfect game. Nice. My goodness. That's incredible. So what happened?

You didn't get the bowling scholarship? No. So I had to go visit a college, and it was in West Texas A&M. And I looked around, and I was like, do I want to was in West Texas A&M and I looked around and I was like do I want to live in West Texas A&M just a bowl? So I said fuck it. And I came to Dallas. You got mad when you found out A&M didn't stand for

anchovies and macaroni. A&W. Ass to mouth. Yeah, I like that. Ass and mouth. It looks like you have both of those things. I do, yeah. Look at your big beautiful face. You ever get pussy?

Look out to that audience right now. Show them that face. Look at this guy. Half of his face is glasses. Physically half of your face. It's incredible. You almost look like one of those old female journalists or something

like that. Next on 60 Minutes. Or something like that. You have those big New York fucking Martin Scorsese fucking glasses. I look pretty fucking silly, Tony. Yeah, you really do. I can't imagine.

Does your dick have glasses too? It does. A monocle is just one eye. Look at that. Alright, Tony. Well, a lot of fun, man. It was good to get you up here. We've got to put a big ribbon on the end of tonight's episode. There he goes.

Tony Casillas, everybody. Hey, Tony! We are running out of time. However, however, however, however We do have one more thing for you Before we go Those of you that watched the last episode Or even if you were here on Thursday

Know that something very controversial Happened during Thursday's episode A local comedian A Texas Kill Tony Legend of the last Quite a few episodes, the guy that knows how to kick things very well. He's a kung fu master.

At one point during Thursday's episode, he attempted to kick a water bottle off of Jeremiah's head, at which point he did kick that water bottle with the tip of his toe, but his high kick followed through and hit Jeremiah Watkins in the head. Knocking him almost completely unconscious, if you really suspend disbelief for a moment. But there was definite contact made. It was a pretty serious hit. Jeremiah had a headache that day.

We believe him. We believe him. We believe him. And we decided, why not have some fun with it, right? Why not get Jeremiah to kick this guy in the head to end tonight's

episode? He went down to the Kung Fu place downstairs and got an official helmet for the situation. However, in true nerd fashion, he has to keep his glasses on during this. Is that Billy Elliot?

He might as well, right? Does that hurt? No, take him off. Take him off if you have to. There you go. Here he is. Little fucking Home Alone, Macaulay Culkin. How many of you want to see this guy get his fucking head kicked? All right. Jeremiah, don't kick him in the face. Make sure it's like a sidekick, okay?

This is one of the weirdest things we've ever done in the history of this show. What are you going to do? Are you going to be okay, you think? You nervous at all? You are? Oh, that makes it sad. No, you're not going to get kicked in the face. Jeremiah's going to do a sidekick here. There's padding

there, right? Alright, here it is. You guys want to see Jeremiah's revenge on this guy? Here we go. Big schnozzy with the first ever in Kill Tony history Dallas head kick. Oh, he's measuring it up. These are very tight jeans he's wearing.

Whoa. This is scary. This might be a show. Do you have any pads for your shoulders? Guys, you got to make a lot of noise if you want this to happen. This is the first ever Kill Tony Head Kick. To end tonight's episode, podcast history with Mark Norman. Tuesdays with stories.

MarkNormanComedy.com. He's going to be in Austin in a couple weeks. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Jeremiah Watkins of Jeremiah Wonders fame delivering the first ever Kill Tony head kick. Oh, wow. That was very good. That was good. How do you feel? You guys feel good about it? There you go. Everybody's okay, everyone. That was very good. That was good. How do you feel? You guys feel good about it?

There you go. Everybody's okay, everyone. He's all right. There you go. That was the weirdest make-a-wish of all time. Hey, look. It's my Tony Casillas impression. Here you go, kid.

I'm not going to keep your glasses. There you go. Take those things. How about one more hand for Colt, everyone? Local legend. And we did it again. Episode of Kill Tony, Mark Norman. Thank you so much.

Make some noise for Mark Norman, everybody. He's got a show at 7 o'clock in Addison, and he made it all the way down here to play with us. We love you, Mark. Love you, buddy. Comedy. Hell, yeah. Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen.

Come on. Jeremiah wonders. The new Kill Tony the band calendar. Is it gay? A lot of people say it is, but I say you got to buy one. Very valuable. Amazing artwork in it. It's got a bunch of cool, like, the band and the cast members' birthdays in it.

A bunch of fun, cool art. All gay stuff is in that thing. Yeah. Jeremiah, what else? How about a hand for Jeremiah, everyone? Come on. Yo, check out Mark Norman on Jeremiah Wonders, David Lucas, this coming episode.

And then we got a roadcast coming up with Red Band and Joel Jimenez on Jeremiah Wonders on YouTube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins. And I'll be headlining in San Diego December 6th with Joel and the Kill Tony band, and then headlining in Kansas City December 19th through 21st. There you go.

How about one more time for the one, the only, Joel Burke, Joel Jimenez! He's sponsored by Ludwig, the people that make the best drums in the world He's on social media Mostly sorry

Anything else Joel? Thanks Dallas we love you Peace Yeah we have a bunch of Ryan J. Ebelt Printed posters That specifically are for these Dallas Kiltonys So if you want one of those We'll sign them for you

We'll take a picture with you after the show Or something like that And yeah Oh there's the Kill Tony pins and there's also Tony Hinchcliffe. A few Tony Hinchcliffe pins available. I'll draw a mustache on there with a Sharpie marker if you want but it's my face on a pin.

And yeah, we'll see you guys out there. They have a whole thing set up and we'll see you on your way out there if you want to say bye on your way out. Thank you so much Dallas for coming out. We love you Red Band. Thank you guys. Praise Allah. Thank you, guys. ចានដែលាប់បានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានប�ご視聴ありがとうございましたBGMmememe me

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