KILL TONY - KILL TONY #399

Episode Date: October 16, 2019

Tom Rhodes, Eddie Pepitone, David Lucas, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 10/14/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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We also have a bunch of new tour dates. We're going to be in Sacramento, and we have two shows, October 16th and 17th. They might be sold out. Then we're followed by Kill Tony Mania 2 in San Francisco, October 18th and 19th. And that's four different shows. That's a lot of shows. Most of them are almost sold out. So you better get your tickets quick. Then we're off to Australia, October 25th. We're going to be in Bisbon, Australia. October 26th, we're in Melbourne. October 27th, we're in Sydney, Australia.

And then we're going to Washington, D.C., November 7th. And that's sold out, so we added a second show, and that's almost sold out. So if you live in Washington, D.C., there's your chance to get tickets. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates for all the ticket links and information. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own stand-up tickets

for sale. He's got some merch. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. RyanJEbelt.com. That's the house artist. He has a new book. Check out RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, shop squad dot TV. There you have all the official Death Squad universe merchandise

and a new Kill Tony shirt is going to be added very, very soon. So keep your eyes out for shop squad dot TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the red famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Cat Tony. Get off of Tony.

Come on. We're here, everybody. Make some fucking noise. We are live at the Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip with Brian Redbent. Hi, guys. The great Ryan J.E. Belt is here drawing tonight's episode. How about a hand for Ryan, everyone? The new Kill Tony the book is selling,

and those orders are going out real soon. They're communicating with Amazon. It's all happening over there, Kill Tony the book. You can get that at ryanjebelt.com. That is a brand-new book that features all the posters, all the prints from every single episode. It's incredible, so check that out. We're leaving for Sacramento this Wednesday. Those shows are sold out this Wednesday and Thursday in

Sacktown. And there are tickets still available, shockingly enough, for a couple of the Kill Tony Mania shows, especially on Friday. That's Kill Tony Mania Live in San Francisco. Those are huge, huge, huge shows for us. and that's going to be a lot of fun, a lot of special guests, special treats coming up there this weekend. We are in Brisbane next Friday, the 25th of October. Brisbane, Australia still has tickets available, and so does Melbourne the next day, and there's a couple tickets left for Sydney, Australia the day after that. November 7th, Washington, D.C. Just added another show.

There's four stand-up shows there as well, and big announcement. Kill Tony will be going back to its roots, its home, its original home of where we're from, Columbus, Ohio, live from the Newport Music Hall, December 12th. I used to live right behind the Newport, man. I used to hang out there every day. Look at that. Back to the old port at the new port, Columbus, Ohio, 12-12. Then we have a day off.

It's going to be crazy. Might go eat some Italian food at my dad's restaurant. Might hang out with my mom, who killed here on the five-year anniversary show. Then we go to Pittsburgh the next day. Congratulations to you, Pittsburgh. We are at the Rex Theater December 14th. And then the next night, Cleveland House of Blues.

Wow, what an incredible treat. That's one of the original House of Blues at the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Cleveland, Ohio. So that's going to be a lot of fun. Also, Calgary, Canada, Kill Tony, January 23rd with stand-up on the 24th and the 25th. So, yeah. Oh, look at what Red Band's wearing, everybody. Is that a brand new Kill Tony t-shirt? Just went for sale? And we also have a black one at shopsquad.tv. Check it out. It's going fast. I love it. I've always wanted a cool, like, just like that. I mean, that is just as cool as it gets. That is simple and awesome and a baseball style, awesome t-shirt. And you know, it's cool to wear

things that are simple as you get older. You know, I don't want anything too flashy and crazy because I'm getting old. You know what I mean? And one of the things that happens when you get older is, you know, you lose some fucking hair. You know what I mean? Reproductive organs don't work like they once did. But luckily, ForHims.com exists, and that's a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men.

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It does a lot of bad things. It's not healthy. Here, you just go online, answer a few questions, talk to a real doctor, and get prescribed real medicine for either hair loss, ED, and a bunch of stuff. It's great. It's true. They connect you to real doctors online. It saves you hours. It's completely confidential and discreet, and they

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subject to doctor's approval. See website for full details and safety information. This could cost hundreds if you went to a doctor or pharmacy or somewhere else. Go to forhims.com slash killtony. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash killtony. Forhims.com slash killtony. You guys ready to start tonight's show? You guys are in for a special treat. These are two of the best comedians in the world,

ladies and gentlemen. This is very exciting. We're going to have a lot of fun. Let's see how loud this place can get for the great Eddie Pepitone and Tom Rhodes. Here we go. Here we go. Yes. Tom Rhodes is here. His return to kill Tony. And Eddie Pepitone's first time on the show, everybody. How exciting is this?

Two of my favorite comedians in the world joining us for an evening of debaucherous stand-up comedy and moments. Wow. Yay, Tony. Yeah, I'm glad you guys are here. Thank you. We're going to have a lot of fun. Eddie, this is your first time on the show. Eddie has pep talks on the All Things Comedy Network, and you're going to the East in November,

you're going to the Southwest in December, and tickets are available at eddiepepitone.com. That's right. Eddie. The great Tom Rhodes has his new album, Around the World, available everywhere at tomrodes.net. That's R-H-O-D-E-S.net. Dot net. Yeah.

Around the World. I recorded it in 24 cities around the world. Starts in Paris. Ends in Jerusalem. It's all mostly jokes and stories about each place. It's the result of me doing the international circuits for 20 years. That's great. And it's great because you have jokes for different countries, right?

Tom, you have jokes for different countries. So each country is unique to the country itself. That's great. Each country is unique to the country itself? No, for your jokes. My stand-up. Red band. What do you mean by that i mean like you told you were telling me about this like how some countries you have like like local jokes that you get to use in this special so uh like kind of like when you're in texas i

have texas jokes yeah right like i uh there's some cities like paris and amsterdam and dublin that i've been playing for 20 years, so I had material developed. But I played in Mongolia, and I read Genghis Khan's biography and wrote all these Mongolia jokes. And certain cities like Berlin and Oslo, I had to write my ass off. And then Jerusalem and Tel Aviv. Hell yeah. Jerusalem. What's the big banger there?

I'll tell you the joke that killed the hardest in Jerusalem uh and I brought my 80 year old Jesus freak mother with me to Jerusalem so if I wasn't the favorite child before I think I got that shit locked up yeah but um I'm from Orlando Florida and we have all these amusement parks there there's an amusement park in Orlando called the Holy Land Experience. It's a religious theme park. And what they've done is they've recreated ancient Jerusalem at a highway exit. And I have to say, the place is very authentic because the parking lot is full of Palestinians and they can't get in. Oh, shit.

Look at that. And the Israelis loved that joke. Little taste of around the world. 80-year-old Jewish women. I love this young man. He's so great. You know who else loves jokes? We have a band on this show, ladies and gentlemen. And I love this band.

They are one of my favorite things in all of comedy. So fun. So silly. One of the best improvisational units available anywhere in all of comedy. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. They have a completely separate dressing room from us in the back. So let's all find out what they are tonight together.

I present to you the best stand band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Burke, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Uh-oh. Whoa. This is interesting. Wow. I have no idea what they are.

They must be... My guess is some type of child show characters or something like that. Can I guess? It's Waldo. Waldo? Waldo. What are you? Hi kids. My name's Christopher. What's yours?

Wow. So you are a children's television show cast. You got it. 100%. Wow. That's incredible. Welcome, welcome, welcome to the show. For a second, I thought you were the guy

that gets bullied the hardest in the Back to the Future movies. I can't remember his name. And then over there we have Chroma Chris. How are you, Chroma? How's it going over there? Good, Tony. Name's Stanley. All aboard. Oh, wow.

Look at that. Jeremiah is Christopher. Chris is Stanley. And then clearly back here we have a young Latina lesbian woman. Name is Jason. I had the cover of Teen Beat for the last six years. And now I'm battling a fucking crippling crystal meth addiction. Wow.

Oh, my goodness. I'm battling a fucking crippling crystal meth addiction. Wow. Oh, my goodness. I'm excited. This is the first time we've ever had children's television stars on this show. And so there you go. We have them. We have Tom. We have Eddie. We have Brian Soundboard, which brings me to this, everybody,

the bucket of destiny, ladies and gentlemen, with the shows all about. A bunch of people signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage and then get interviewed by me and my esteemed panel. We'll find out more about you, find out what's interesting about you and what makes you special, meet a bunch of people all at once.

You know your 60 uninterrupted seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. You guys ready to start this show or what? It's Kill Tony Live! Here we go.

A lot of people would settle for that, but I think we can do one better. Guys, are you ready to start this fucking show? There you go. There you go. Now we're ready. That's what I need. A little bit of Saturday energy on a fucking Monday.

Get the show started tonight. Uninterrupted, 60 seconds, going to Brandon McGee. Brandon McGee will start the show. There he is. Hey! Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here he comes.

Brandon McGee. This is going to be a good start to the show. Here he comes, Brandon Miggy This is going to be a good start to the show I can feel it already Come on, one more time for Brandon everybody So I just took my cousins to Six Flags and they passed out on the rides I was pretty shocked because I thought that only happened to black people.

But I guess I don't know much about that because I just went to roller skating, and it turns out that's a pretty thuggish activity. Everyone was putting their elbows out, dancing, rolling up behind girls and talking and everything. Caught me off guard. I thought I was going to be the cool guy there, and then I was like nope gotta get it better at that

and that's it wow getting out at 39 seconds that's it? I just got home from Vegas and I was pretty shocked because I came in and there was gay porn on the TV.

If you've never seen it, it's pretty shocking. It takes you a second to register. And then I looked down for a second, and I see a guy I've never met before. Now go ahead. We've got to know the end of this one. I was wondering. It was a pretty thuggish Mexican dude, and he looked at me like, what the fuck are you doing here? I was like, dude, this is my house.

And then it was like a TV where the couch is there, and my uncle pops up, and he's like, oh, you're home already. So that was pretty shocking. Okay. Hell yeah. Brandon McGee, everybody. We have a lot. The Six Flags thing was interesting,

but I have a thousand questions about your last joke there. You said that you were in Vegas, right? Is that where you live? No, I was visiting my aunt. You were visiting your aunt. So you're at your uncle's place? No, I came home and my uncle. Where's home?

Montclair. Montclair. Home is wherever you want it to be. I see what you did there, children's television host. So you went to visit your uncle and your aunt. No, I went to visit my aunt and I came home and my uncle lives there. Your uncle lives where? With me in Montclair. Oh, OK. That's why it's confusing. All right.

So you went to visit your aunt and that's where gay porn was on the TV? No, I just came home and I opened opened the back door, and there was gay porn. On your TV here in Montclair? Yes. Okay. So you went to Vegas, came home, gay porn was on your TV. Yeah. And your uncle is on the couch watching it?

No, he was getting rammed from the back, but I couldn't see him. I mean, lead with that part i just see like up from here of that mexican dude and i have no idea who he is hey what's up homie never seen nothing like this before huh hey man i'm in the middle of something you heard a gang banging but this is ridiculous and i could tell that my uncle was all like hey why'd you stop so he pops up like from a movie where you just see him pop up like that. And then he looks and he's like, oh, you're home. Yeah.

So I just turned around and walked out of my own house. Was it your uncle's suggestion for you to go to Six Flags so you get out of the house for a little while? No, he thought I was coming home later. Did you know your uncle was gay? Yeah. Right. Does he always. Did you know your uncle was gay? Yeah. Right. Does he always, you live with your uncle? He brings home random guys like every other night,

and I'm wondering where he finds these people. How many people live with you? It's just me and my dad and my uncle and my sister. Let me ask you this. Is your uncle a big reader? No. Okay. Wow.

So there was a guy butt-fucking your uncle in your living room when you walked home, when you came into your house after going to Vegas. Well, at least he didn't use any of your Little League trophies. No, but I come outside, and then I... So I came in, and I saw that, and I come outside, and then not five seconds later, he comes out wearing my sweats. I'm like, dude, I know you didn't have time to shower. Those are yours now.

Oh, shit. The word of the day is forgiveness. Do you know how lucky you are to have that kind of stability in the home? I mean, that is true. That's incredible that that is your... I never got to hang out with my uncle. My goodness. So he just

trashes your sweats. He's butt-fucking in your living room. Where's your dad during all of this? I believe the word is butt-fudging. Okay, thank you. Thank you, Stanley. Where was your dad? He was at work. Where was your sister?

She was at work, too. What does your dad do? Construction. He's in construction? Hell yeah. The whole family sounds like the village people. This is incredible. Construction.

Butt fucking good old time happening. It's not even the worst. One time I went in the kitchen, and there was two dudes. it wasn't even my uncle, like they were friends of his, they were in the kitchen fucking, and they looked, they have the same look every time, like, dude. You want a sandwich, homie? What's up?

And I'm like, what are you fucking doing? What does your place smell like? If you were to... Oh, there you go. There's the, there it is. So what's the look that they give you? Describe this look a little bit better. The look of just walking in on getting butt fucked. They look at me like, we didn't invite a third guy.

Like, what are you doing here? Yeah, they think you're... Yeah, like, I'm the rude one. Yeah, wow. I feel like your material should be more hard hitting. Just based on your life. It should just be, you know... If you told the real story, right?

I think so too. I'm guessing you're brand new at this, right? First time ever on stage, everybody. He's popping his cherry right here on Kill Tony. Doing exactly what his uncle wanted to do with him this entire time. Making a breakthrough. How did it

feel to do it? How did it feel the first time? I was more nervous than I thought I would. Yeah, exactly. It could have been worse. You could have had your first time with your uncle. Yeah, that's true. What does your uncle do for work? Absolutely nothing.

Sounds like he works hard to me. Yeah. Wow. How does he survive doing nothing? He just makes excuses. Just makes excuses. Yeah, every time he lives with us, he's supposed to pay rent, and then he'll just say,

oh, I had to pay for this AIDS medication. I'm like, well, if you weren't fucking all the time, maybe you could save money on that. He needs financial AIDS? What? Right, right. So does he have aids or he's just taking preventative medicine? Yeah, that's what he says it is. Excuses are like elbows.

Everyone's got them. Wow, Brandon. Well, that's interesting. What do you do for work? I'm trying to join the Air Force right now. You're joining the Air Force? Why do you want to do that? I want to be a PJ.

What's that? It's like they're special forces. They're the guys that go in and save people when they're in trouble. Oh, okay. Why doesn't anyone want to be on the mundane forces? Everybody wants to be on the special fucking forces. What about the forces that don't do

a goddamn thing like your uncle? Yeah. Or the Coast Guard. Right. Or the Coast Guard. Right. Absolutely. My goodness. You're going to go straight to the... How's that going for you? What are you doing? I'm just waiting for my MEPS date. Your what? It's like the enlistment process

where they do your full medical and everything, so I'm just waiting for that. Just make sure you don't have any of your uncle's AIDS or anything like that, right? Just make sure there's no airborne... Airborne. man gunk. How old are you? 22. 22 years old. Look at you. You got the whole world

out in front of you. Just take it like your uncle would and fuck it right in its butt. You know what I mean? Well, Brandon, congratulations. Your first time ever on stage. You did it at the Comedy Store. Keep doing it! There he goes, Brandon McGee.

An American hero. He's on Instagram at PowerfulBrandonLee, all one word. He just had his first time in front of us at the Comedy Store, everybody. There you go. How exciting is that? Anything can happen here. It's a wild one.

Imagine us coming home and there's so much butt fucking going on I would join the Air Force also right I mean like you walk in and gay porn's on that might be enough

to turn around and go the other way yeah I'm surprised it's not the Navy though yeah no it's true it's going the other way

Air Force put your hands together for your next comedian Omar Guerrero everybody here comedian, Omar Guerrero, everybody. Here we go. Omar Guerrero. Let's see what happens here. Here he is.

One more time for Omar, everybody. Hello, hello. Ah, shit. I don't get anal. I really, I just don't. I don't get anal. I really, I just don't. I don't get it. The vagina is just so perfectly formed. God just put specific time into it

and just made it, you know, wet itself and just so perfect. I don't get anal. I just really don't. I started investing in Depends because a lot of you that fuck in the ass when you're older you're going to be shitting yourself you know

fuck anal yeah I only do vaginal I'm married freshly married two weeks ago to a woman yeah she's a big fan of no anal Freshly married. Yeah. Two weeks ago. To a woman. Yeah.

She's a big fan of no anal. Yeah. Okay. That's your only option, I mean. Yeah, because, I mean, gay dudes, I mean, I don't expect you to do the sword fighting or the... Or putting the dicks in the middle and then you both clasp and jack it off. I guess that's it. Wow, there you go. Omar Guerrero, everybody.

It's incredible. We just had the same comedian twice in a row. That was mind-boggling. The same exact man just appeared twice so far in this show. Starting with a... Did you hear Ryan J. Ebel? He did an audible... The same exact man just appeared twice so far in this show, starting with us. Did you hear Ryan J. Ebel? He did an audible. Wow, really?

Oh, my goodness. I've never met a man that wanted anal more in my life. Yeah, exactly. Oh, shit. Someone's. No. No, you don't. No, not a fan.

That's where shit comes in. Sure. Right. Yeah. The piss comes out of the other one. They're both great and bad at the same time. That's a different hole, Joel. Okie dokie.

All right. There's the fartboard one. I liked as you walked up the steps, I saw you go, shit. So you were not prepared for this? No, no. At work, I tried. I like that. That moment of fear that I saw was really great.

It was pretty genuine. Are you a big reader? No. Do you know the Last Guy's uncle? No. So let's talk about it, Omar. How long have you been doing this? Second time.

Second time ever on stage. Right, your first time was just five minutes ago, so this is good. My other guy's taller than me, though. Yeah, I guess. So you notice things like that. Was your first set anal heavy? No, my first one was a pedophile joke. It was actually on Kill Tony, too.

So, yes. Not a reader. Yeah, not a reader. No. No. I have some political comedy, but, yeah, that's not really me. Let's hear one of your political jokes. Yes.

Oh, no, no. No? I still got to prep it, though. Okay. Yeah. Yeah? Like your butthole before anal? Let's hear one of your political jokes. Oh, no, no. I still got to prep it, though. Like your butthole before anal? I got to prep that one, too. What are you going to cover politically? What's the topic that you're going to talk about?

The media. Yeah, what are you going to say? Give us an example. Just like in 2016, that I was watching the whole thing, and the media just flipped and lied to everybody. Nobody notices. Like what?

Well, when Trump won, it was really just the electoral college that did it, and everybody started freaking out, blaming Russia. Right. I haven't made a joke out of it, but I'm just trying to. Right. Can you find the punchline, kids? It's my second time. It's up to kids? It's my second time. Calm down. It's my second time. Relax. I'll get there.

That's definitely true. People did start freaking out. What are your thoughts on it? They spent our money for two and a half years. Who did? The government. Robert Mueller just came up and said, oh, it was nothing, guys. Right.

Yeah. So you are the rare, I'm guessing, Latino Trump supporter, right? I'm not a Trump supporter. I'm more of a libertarian. Right. I observe both sides. Big anal community, from what I've heard. Yeah.

Dave Smith. There's so much butt fucking going on in the libertarian party It's ridiculous Dave Smith though man You don't think he's going for the doo doo hole They're known as the brown party right Yeah So Omar what do you do for work

Construction Wow are you sure you're not the last guy's Uncle His dad was You have a cousin that lives in Montclair. His dad was in construction. His gay uncle was just late. So you work in construction. You're married? Yes. How long have you been married for? Two weeks. Congratulations. I just got divorced.

Is your wife with you? Yeah, she's right here. Is that her right there? Yeah. And that is not Melissa Villasenor. Am I correct? Wow, yeah. I have been looking at her. I was even trying to get Jeremiah's attention during your set

because I've never seen anyone look more like anyone else in my entire life. I thought the same thing. I was certain by the end of this that Melissa Villasenor was just awkwardly sitting in the front row of this show. Hey, guys. I don't even know who that is. Wow. Well, you're going to be surprised when you find out that a woman that looks 100% exactly like your wife is on Saturday Night Live.

Oh, shit. Yeah. There you go. Okay. That's crazy, right? Now you see what I was pointing out to you during that, Jeremiah. I can't read lips. Very clearly you can't.

You also can't read pointing fingers going like that. But it was good, though. You gave a real good effort. I thought you were looking at his bum, and I was like, okay, I see it. It's not that impressive. Right, I know. Anyway, Omar, so that's incredible.

What's something else interesting that we should know about you? You seem like you have an open mind. You pay attention to things sort of somewhat. Yeah. Second time ever on stage? Yeah, second time. So what else about you? What about your life or your family or anything like that?

Just a bunch of construction workers, Mexicans. Yeah. Before you were married two weeks ago, were you doing a lot of catcalls or anything like that? No. Has anybody ever gotten a long nail from a nail gun shot into their skull? No, we do mainly on the road water main. Oh, asphalt.

Yeah, asphalt. We do water main. You put the ass in asphalt. Thank you, Joe. It ain't his ass's fault. Wow. Oh, Mario. Nothing too't his ass's fault. Wow. Omar. Nothing too exciting, to be honest.

I've been working on comedy, I guess. What have you been doing with that? Writing shit down. Yeah. But then on the way back from our honeymoon, I started watching Mrs. Maisel. And then I started realizing that she's funnier than me, too. That Mrs. Maisel is? Yeah, I'm essentially the husband in that situation.

Yes, the woman with the... Great reference. That's a great show. And then I watched The Joker. I didn't like The Joker. Can we talk about it? Oh, shit. Wow.

I thought it leaned a little too heavy on the mental illness. Why couldn't The Joker be a badass great comedian with great jokes? Why did he have to be a shitty open mic-er? That would be better. That's right. That's a great point. He should have been a fucking genius comedian like a Bill Hicks crusher. And then he kills the Johnny Carson character.

I don't care if I ruin the film for fucking people. You should have seen it by now, you idiots. I don't mind killing rich people like they condoned in the film, but killing comedians, I'm always against that. Very good. I ruined the film for everybody. You're welcome. There you go.

That's a hot take from Tom Rhodes. I'll be in the next Joker, and I'll be a better comedian. You just ruined the end. It's all good. That's awful. Today, kids, we learned what a spoiler is. So, Omar, anything else crazy about you that we need to know about? Well, I mentioned I broke my jaw last time.

Broke your jaw? Yeah, I broke my jaw. You didn't mention that. You said last time? Yeah, my first time doing comedy was on Kill Tony also. Oh, okay. It was here at the comedy store? It was Doug Benson.

Oh, okay. Yeah. And you broke your jaw. Yeah. How'd you break your jaw? Standing next to Annette. I was at the batting cages. I wasn't looking and kind of gave out. Oh, okay. Yeah. And you broke your jaw. Yeah. How'd you break your jaw? Standing next to a net. I was at the batting cages. I wasn't looking and kind of gave out.

Right. Right. Straight to the jaw. Got hit in the face with a ball. Six weeks. Oh, my goodness. That's incredible. I lost weight, though, so that's good.

There you go. Absolutely. Where was your honeymoon at? Ireland. Ireland. Why Ireland? Where did you go in Ireland? It's beautiful.

We went to Dublin, and then we went to, what was it called? Galway. Galway. Fucking nice work. It's one of my favorite places. So memorable, you had to say, where did we go? I forget the name. My goodness.

Shut up, man. But why Ireland? Why would two Latino people, like, I mean, why? It was actually her choice. Oh, interesting. It was nice, though. Ireland's great. Everybody likes to drink a lot and laugh a lot

Galway's awesome Galway's like a little mini San Francisco University seaport village and there's street musicians everywhere If you were gay or a musician in Ireland, you would move to Galway It's like the fucking cool city Less shit and less needles too

Okie dokie Ladies and gentlemen way. It's like the fucking cool city. Less shit and less needles too. Okie dokie. Ladies and gentlemen, there you go. Omar Guerrero everybody. Omar Guerrero. How about a hand for the band, everybody? New songs every week. How exciting. Okay, let's see if this goes any differently.

Put your hands together for Dante Cordova, everyone. Dante Cordova. Here we go. Dante. Dante. Here he is. Dante Cordova, everyone. What's up, guys? Happy Black History Month.

Happy Black History Month. That was a test. As a black person, it's fun to walk up to white people and say, happy Black History Month. They'll always just say it back to you out of fear. Well, yes, happy Black History Month. That that's right i forgot the game because october too that's right speaking of niggas i let this nigga suck my dick for the first time i got a blowjob from the dude for the first time

thank you this nigga sucked my dick from the bottom of his heart you guys oh my god it was so dudes are better at blowjobs did you know that dudes are way better at blowjobs if i were to break it down into numbers i would say like most jobs a woman's blowjob is worth like 77 cents to the dollar of a man's blowjob it's just not as good okay i heard some feelings i can feel that look if any ladies want to prove me wrong i will be It's just not as good. Okay, I hurt some feelings. I can feel that.

Look, if any ladies want to prove me wrong, I will be outside after my set. If any fellas want to defend the title, I'll be in the same place. So find me. Hell yeah. Here he is, Dante Cordova. Very interesting set.

Somehow yet the set of the night so far. Dante, welcome to the show. That's right. If any women want to suck the dick of the weekend after he goes to a swim park, this is what it would be like. Dante, welcome. This is your first time here, right? This is my second time.

Oh, your second time. Something change about you? This is my second time. Oh, your second time. Something change about you? I grew my hair out. You grew your hair out. Shut the fuck up. I liked you. You had a lot of confidence when you came on. That was good. Yeah.

And I liked the trick Black History Month opening was good. Yeah. I had confidence up here, then I got nervous, and then I got confident again. Hey, look at that. Yeah. It's like getting your dick sucked by a dude. You like it, then you don't, then you like it again.

Then you love it. Right at the end, you fucking love it. Guilt and shame and back to pleasure again. Dante, is that true? Did you really get your dick sucked by a guy? I did. I let my friend, Cheddar, suck my dick hella hard. Chad?

That's his name? Cheddar? You let a friend do it? I said his name already. I fucked up. What? Well, his name is Cheddar. That's his nickname.

The word of the day is snitch. Yeah. Now I don't feel so bad about ruining the Joker. He just gave away his buddy's name and sucked his dick. Hell yeah. So when did this happen? When did you get your dick sucked by a guy? It was March 19th, 2019.

Wow. You got it down. A day that will live in infamy. i'll never forget i'll never forget wow that's incredible hell yeah so what were you guys doing how did it start uh we were doing coke and ecstasy oh yeah that's fair yeah i've sucked a lot of dick on that and then you just started to get a boner and you started looking at him? No, he's wanted to fuck me for like years, so I finally let him do it. Wait, you let him fuck you too? No, I mean, he's wanted me to fuck him, so I just let him suck my dick. Let's check in with... There was no anal, Omar.

He didn't let him do it. Let's check in with Christopher over here. I would like to tell you kids about the D.A.R.E. program right now. So you're doing coke, you're doing ecstasy. Where are you guys at? Your place, his place? We're at an Airbnb in San Diego. Oh, my God.

Where that kind of thing is going to happen. Oh, my goodness. B&B stands for butt and balls. Wow. Butt and balls reference. Interesting. Dante, so you're serious? Best blowjob of your life?

Yeah, it was pretty good. Yeah, what was so good about it? Was it like mustache, hair scraping against it? A lot of muscle. A lot of muscle and a lot more suction. You know, women will kind of just like let your dick go into the mouth. He like sucked it into his mouth, you know? Oh, my goodness.

You know what I mean, right? Like a spaghetti noodle or something like that. Exactly. He like slurped around and whipped him in the? Oh my goodness. You know what I mean, right? Like a spaghetti noodle or something like that. Exactly. Slurped around and whipped him in the face. My goodness. And when you say muscle, what exactly do you mean? What muscles was he using during this blowjob? Like a jaw muscle. The jaw muscle. And like a

good bicep vein going. It was pretty hot. Oh my god. So you were really into this when it was happening. It was your first time getting a blowjob from a guy. It was my first and last time. I mean, I don't know. You don't know that? You're right. Nobody knows anything.

I think you got something going on there. How do you know it was your last time? Did you hang up the shirt you were wearing in the rafters or something like that? Ladies and gentlemen, retiring from the blowjob field. A heavy reader.

His uncle walked in. So what makes you say last one ever? I don't know. It felt great, but at the same time I felt bad. Because it wasn't like, he convinced me to do it. Yeah, how did he do that? What did he have to say? He was like, come on.

I was like, you're right. Come on. Is that all it takes? Come on. Come on. Come on already. Wow. Alright. I've been asking you for three years now. How long do you think you lasted

during this blowjob, if you had to guess? Okay, so... Uh-oh. This is always good. Oh, it lasted pretty long. So, like, we're in the room that's, like, in the middle of everything. So, like, the drugs are in the back room, and we're hanging out in the living room.

So people are coming through to, like, kind of do drugs. Oh, see. So we had to, like, kind of pause a little bit and then keep going and then pause. So... This was in a crowded place? Oh, yeah, there, a lot of people there Wow, look at you

When you give up your principles You really go all the way Fuck it, let's do it where everybody can see it Yeah Heck yeah Everybody's got a much more interesting life than me I just have two little rescue dogs You never got your dick sucked?

This is the gayest kid in your life. So we're saying it's like in a middle room, like a dining room area? No, it's like a side room, but it's like... The side room. It's like the hallway kind of cuts through the room, so you got to go into the room to get to the back room. Oh.

Yeah. So it was like a closet that you were deep inside of. No, it was a room. It had a bed. Hey. Heck yeah. Other than getting your dick sucked by a guy, Dante, what would you say the second gayest thing you've ever done in your life is?

Come on. You know what it is. I mean, I kissed a guy before. Hey. Look at that. What was that guy's name? Blue Cheese? That was Brie.

I once shot up crystal meth with another teen heartthrob in Tijuana. Beat that. Dante, how long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years. Eight years. Wow. And what do you do for a living? I used to work at a comedy store in San Diego, but I just moved here, and I got a job

at a sushi place now. You doing comedy at the sushi joint? How often do you wash your hands when you're working? Uh, not enough. Wow. Which one is it so we can stay away from it?

I can't say that. I can give away my friend's name. You gave away cheddar blow, didn't you? Yeah, cheddar's cool, man. You can't tell us where you work? No, that's a secret. That's his money source. We don't want to know the name of the sushi place. Don't throw them under your big gay bus.

Wow, Dante. Well, congratulations, man. You got your dick sucked by a dude. Best blowjob of your life, March 19th, 2019. Oh, you remember too. Congratulations to you, man. There he goes, Dante Cordova, everybody. He's you remember too. Yeah. Congratulations to you, man. There he goes. Dante Cordova, everybody. He's on social

media. Don Tizzle. This is an incredibly incredibly gay episode of Kill Tony. Did you write down that date? See, if I signed up for this show, right, and I'm

waiting, seeing if I get pulled out of this bucket, and if I had any jokes about anal, butt-fucking, blowjobs from dudes, I would be writing right now. Yeah, this is the episode. I'd be writing my ass off. I would be changing the tone of the show. That's what I'd be working on. Do you think, like, when you go to Australia,

is there that many, like many butt-fucking jokes? No. This is a goddamn anomaly. This is like being dealt three aces in your first hand of poker. Or maybe three jacks or something like that. Okay, let's see what happens now. Put your hands together for your next comedian.

He goes by the name of Reed Raffus. Reed Raffus, everyone. Reed. Reed is coming to the stage. Here we go. Hey. Here we go. Whoa.

Come on. One more time for Reed, everybody. Someone fuck this up. So, we live in pretty rough political times right now. Have you guys noticed that? You guys following the debates and shit? Sure, yeah. Abortion is a huge issue these days.

It's, like, fucking huge. One thing you'll notice is that like big companies will start taking stances on issues like abortion. Like here's a great example of that. I read this the other day. I read this fact about abortion. It said, today alone, over 3,000 children will be denied a chance

at life due to abortion in the United States. And I was like, fuck. That's kind of a dark Snapple fact. I don't think I want this anymore who's that for Snapple whose mind are you changing who's standing by their convictions until their tea tells them otherwise like bro you've always been pro-choice

have you tried the diet raspberry it's like zero calorie heroin side note zero calorie heroin I want to make that. I think that would take off with white women. Give them that fake guilt like women ordering mimosas in the middle of the day. Like, guys, we are so bad. Shooting up. Cool.

Thank you, guys. Hey, Reed Roberts. One joke. Hell yeah. Whoa. Welcome to the show, Reed. How are you? This is your first time.

I remember you. Look at you. Look at you, little baby show, Reed. How are you? This is your first time. I remember you. Look at you. You little baby boy, you. Why no anal material, Reed? I don't know. Don't you have an unemployed uncle at home? You ever fuck with a guy? I love the Snapple joke.

Yeah, that was funny. Clever twist and then like a really uncomfortable topic like abortion, and then to flip that with a funny Snapple lid thing. I may take that. I loved it. I thought that was great. Thank you. That's how good it is. Eddie's going to steal it. Appreciate it. Thank you.

How old are you, Reed? I just turned 24. 24 years old. Wow, that is incredible. You look like you watch shows hosted by these guys sitting behind you. Fucking amazing. You got a little baby shows hosted by these guys sitting behind you. Fucking amazing. You got a little baby face on you. Where are you from? I'm from Boulder, Colorado.

Boulder, Colorado. How long have you been in Los Angeles? Since April. Since April. You live here now? Yep. You just moved here. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Off and on for about five, six years. Five or six years off and on. That's incredible. You started young. Yep, in high school. Wow. What's your living situation now? So I live in a hostel.

At Melrose and Western. So I live in a room about, if I'm marked off, it'd be from here to the edge of the stage with six other people. But you get to meet a lot of impoverished European women, right? It's only guys.

Oh, it's only guys. Ah, hell yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. So, and you've been living in that situation since April? I lived on a friend's couch for a couple months and then I moved into the... Okay.

And what's your work life like? Yeah, right now I'm just doing catering gigs off and on, trying to get more stable bartending stuff. Right. They allow you to bartend. Even though you look as young as you do. The customers ID you. Yeah.

Very good. Have you been a bartender before? Not. I just went to, like, bartending school. Oh, okay. Oh, you been a bartender before? No, I just went to bartending school. Oh, you went to school, huh? So you know how to throw stuff around and everything? No, I didn't pay extra for that. If you want to learn how to bartend, just watch Cocktail.

That's true. Not that bad a movie, actually. Didn't see it. However, he did read the book. I can ruin the end for you if you like. So what's the next step up after Hostel? What are you hoping?

Honestly, I'm trying to do the whole acting thing so I'm kind of cool with just saving money for the moment. Your parents proud of you right now? What does your mom and dad do? Today's word is disappointment. Yeah. So my mom's an artist.

She's a painter, so she kind of understands. Right. She's a lesbian. Yeah. No, go ahead. And then my dad and all my uncles are all optometrists, so they don't really understand. Yeah, they don't really.

Do they fuck each other? all optometrists, so they don't really understand. Yeah, they don't really. Do they fuck each other? All optometrists? How many optometrists are we talking about here? Like four. Wow. How's your vision? It's good. It's good.

You don't need, like, contacts or glasses or anything? No, not yet. My goodness. Do they all have good eyes, too, or are they opticians with glasses? Now they have glasses. Right. Right.

Because they went to medical school. Why the fuck are frames so expensive, Reed? Do you want to? Because they're all made. There's like three companies that make them all. It's an Italian company that has a monopoly. Luxor or something. Wow.

It costs them like, I saw a whole thing on 2020 about it. It costs them like 20 bucks to make Ray-Bans and then they just fucking. You could just buy some. One Italian company bought up all of these glasses manufacturers years ago. Fun fact, you could just buy a pair of sunglasses, pop out the frames and take it to whatever lens crafters and they can put a frame in there. How ironic that 2020 did a piece on it.

Hey. Zing, zing, zing. So what has your dad specifically told you about your adventure doing stand-up comedy? Like what exactly? Well, he's like funny in social situations, so he tries to write jokes for me, but they don't make sense. There's no punchline. What's so funny?

What's the funniest thing you've ever seen your dad do? One time I was probably in middle school with my friend. So it was like three weeks ago. And he walked into the room naked with a sock over his dick, like all scared, and he was like, have you guys seen my clothes? That was pretty cool. Doing the Red Hot Chili Peppers act.

You said you're getting into acting. Who's your favorite actor? Kids, if you've been touched by a parent, call this number below. Favorite actor? Might be Sam Rockwell. I like Sam Rockwell. That's a good choice.

Hell yeah, look at that. Are you taking any acting classes or anything like that? Yeah, I have a BA in theater. Oh, you do? But yeah, I've been doing theater acting stuff all through college. Yeah, what plays were you in in college? I was in a play called Translations. Yeah, what was that about?

What was your character in that? It was about poor people during the potato famine in Ireland. I was like a... Hilarious? Yeah, it was funny. Do you reenact that for your hostile people? Hey, guys, I'd like to do a little bit of the potato famine for you. Would you mind doing a little bit of your time from that?

A little line from that play for us all? Ladies and gentlemen, Reed Rothfuss. Giving us a little something from translation. Use an Irish accent. Did you have an Irish accent during the play? Yeah, it was better then. Okay, let's hear it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Reed Rothfuss, everyone. This was in 2015, so this has been a minute. Don't bail out. Really do it. I saw the old soldiers across the way at the bog moving those little sticks out about, and they'd be like and we didn't even know what they were talking about but we, you know, we told them where to go.

Wow. Wow. Yeah. You know what? That was so incredible that we're going to have a guy named Cheddar suck your dick after this. It's amazing. Hey, I'm not really in any position to have standards, so. Right. Yeah.

Absolutely. Well, Reed, congratulations. Your first time on Kill Tony. Funny stuff, man. Reed Rothfuss, everybody. Appreciate it. Thank you, guys. There he goes.

Reed Rothfuss everybody there he goes Reed Rothfuss whoa whoa it's crazy oh wow this is so cool we know this young man he's been on this show numerous times it's been this young man. He's been on this show numerous times. It's been a long time since he's been on this show, actually.

This is a real badass comedian. He runs an amazing show at a place called the Venice Underground, and he signs up all the time for this show. Put your hands together for him. He just got lucky. Make some noise for Matt Devlin, everyone. Here he comes. Here he is.

It's been a while since we've seen him. Hey, hey, hey! Come on, one more time good and loud for Matt Devlin, everybody. Yeah, yeah. Holy shit. Devlin, everybody. Holy shit. So I'm at this gun show,

and I bump into this guy that I do a little business with, and he says, what's up? And I said, what's up? And he says, I just saw Joe Rogan a couple of weeks ago. I said, how was it? He said, it was great. And I said, great? He says, yeah. I said, cool.

He said, the guy that went on before him was awesome. I said, cool. He said, the guy that went on before him was awesome. I said, who was that? And he went, Hinkle, Heath, I went, Hinchcliffe? He goes, yeah, that's it, Toby Hinchcliffe. I said, don't you mean Tony? He said, no, no, Toby, Toby Hinchcliffe. Definitely Toby. I said, I think you mean Tony. He said, no, no, Toby, Toby Hinchcliffe. Definitely Toby. I said, I think you mean Tony.

He said, no, it was Toby. I said, big, fat, black guy? He said, no. Skinny little white kid. I went, oh, yeah, that's Toby. And he said, well, next time you see him, make sure you tell him I said hi. So Cheddar says, what's up? Hey! And he said, well, next time you see him, make sure you tell him I said hi.

So Cheddar says, what's up? Hey! That's how it's done. Matt Devlin. Hell yeah. True story. Oh, hey, Melissa. Hey.

That was great, Matt. Yeah, it really happened. That's a true story, huh? It wasn't a gun show, though. Melissa. Hey. That was great, Matt. Yeah, it really happened. That's a true story, huh? It wasn't a gun show, though. I like that. Yeah, man. What kind of business did you do with it? That's not worth getting into, Tom. You know that.

No trick questions on a Monday night. He asked me if I knew you. I said, I drink beer with his brother, and we shoot rats in the alley in Venice. You've shot rats in the alley with my brother? Yeah, man. My goodness. And he hit a kid over the head with a skateboard once because he jumped over a fence incorrectly. Enough about my brother.

How old was the kid if you had to guess? That he hit? Yeah. When you say kid, you don't mean like true kid. No, I wasn't a child. Yeah, he was of the age of majority. Right, exactly. He knew better. He was of the age to get hit in the head with a skateboard.

Just like to make sure my brother's not... No. Just like to make sure... Yeah. I'm glad that you answered it that way, whether that's the true answer or not. Good job, man.

It is. Do you have any other Hinchcliffe brother stories? No, but how about that fucking hair replacement stuff? That shit really works for him. Hell yeah. It's true.

For him and Matt Devlin have a special partnership where he just dips his head in the mixture all the way to the neck. I was on the first ever show, too. This is great. You were on Kill Tony 1? Kill Tony 1. Wow. Look at that. How far we've come.

You were one of the eight people there that night, huh? Yeah. You announced the guy who didn't go up, so I just ran in. Oh, that's incredible. You were the first to break the rules like that. That's amazing. I love it, Matt. And you've been doing stand-up for a long time.

78 years. You're originally from Boston. How long have you really been doing it? 15 years, maybe. What are your plans with comedy, Matt? Oh, yeah, sure. I think that success is

just doing things every day that make you feel good and don't want to jump in front of a bus. Absolutely. I'm intentionally unemployable and I refuse all this Geico shit. I don't know. I'm thinking of buying a pimped out Winnebago

and driving around the country doing the Tom Rhodes things without all the passport stamps and dealing with foreigners. I like foreigners, especially the darker ones. The best looking Asian women? The best looking Asian women?

Oh yeah, that's my joke. The most beautiful women in the world are Thai men. Hey, I like that. Yes, thank you. It's on my album. Fucking buy it. Around the world. 24 countries. Around. But I love to go to used bookstores, and I was in a,

I've been old friends with Matt, and I found this book, and it's like a, it's a daredevil, like Evel Knievel, and it looks like Evel Knievel, but it says Devlin, and I shit in my pants. I'd never seen it,

and I bought it for Matt, and I took a picture of it, and I was like, dude, did you know about this? And you're like, yeah. Yeah, Ernie Devlin. So where did, I've never even heard of this? And you're like, yeah. So where did I've never even heard of this.

A lot of people have the same last name as each other. No. But a lesser evil Knievel. I mean, that's pretty special. He wasn't lesser. He was cartoon. He didn't even exist. Wow. So Devlin was before evil Knievel?

Man, my chronology on this shit's not up to scratch. It was a cartoon Saturday morning. It doesn't matter. Matt, so you have an interesting look to you. You are very manly. Like, there's a whole thing going on here. Like, this is incredible, right?

Have you ever thought about using that in any way to your advantage? No. Why not? Because I don't trust myself. What are we talking about? When I get big and famous and I can't even go to Rock and Roll Ralph's with Mickey Rourke and get some fucking food, then I'm just going to cut my hair and shave and nobody will know me and they won't bother me on the street. Wow.

I don't know, man. I love doing stand-up comedy. That's it. Yeah, you never thought about being like a mall Santa or anything like that? I got something I could fall back on. Yeah. Absolutely. I took typing in high school, too.

When was the last time you didn't have a beard? My niece fit between my hand and my elbow there, and she's now eight. Eight years? Do you have a weak chin, or is there a reason for it? Come hit me, man. No, I don't have a weak chin. I look like my mom, actually. People are always like, what do you look like without the beard? I'm Kathy.

She's gorgeous, fuckers. You know what? I didn't grow a beard. I just quit shaving. Oh, okay. That was it. What are your dreams? To be cast as a model for a denim manufacturer and get paid obscene amounts of money.

Wow, look at that. I think that's actually possible. Any denim companies listening. You don't even need to write for that. You just look good. How long did you work for that. You just look good. How long did you work for NASA? 13 years. Wow. There you go, because he's wearing

the hat, everybody. What's your love life like, Matt Dublin? Oh, it's awesome, man. Yeah? Yeah, I got hosed all over. Really? Must be nice. But I'd imagine that there's chicks that are really into being with a manly man. When you talk about one and then you don't bring up the other one,

and he's not texting you and shit. I'm already on 2% battery, so... And this is going out live. Aren't you the guy from World's Deadliest Catch? That wasn't nice, Tony. That definitely wasn't nice. I knocked out a cop once, though. Yeah? Tell us about it.

Technically, it was a citizen's arrest. Definitely wasn't nice. I knocked out a cop once, though. Yeah? Tell us about it. Technically, it was a citizen's arrest. Yeah, this lady didn't like some shit that I did. So she jumped on my back, and I just ran headfirst and bent over at the last second into the building. So, yeah. What about my love life? What do you and my brother shoot rats with? Is that a BB gun or a.22? Can't talk about that.

No, I want to know now. I'm very curious. This is in Venice Beach. You guys are shooting rats with a what? Like a BB gun? It's a little.22 with a spray bottle taped to the end to kind of muffle the sound. My goodness. And you can bait them.

Like you just sprinkle tuna fish all up and down the alley. Oh, Jesus. And you guys bait them. You just sprinkle tuna fish all up and down. Oh, Jesus. And you guys do this. You do it on a Sunday night before the fuckers come around to collect the trash barrels on Monday. Fucking America. That sounds like fun. You haven't lived. I believe it.

I stole the idea from Woody Allen in that movie that Sean Penn was in. That Sweet and Lowdown. I should probably get off stage, huh? You know what? I was looking for a way out, but sometimes... It's okay to kill animals, kids. People just do it themselves. I love it, man.

Well, Matt, I mean, always a pleasure. You were on episode one. This is incredible that six and a half years later, here we are, both bigger, better, stronger than ever. How about a hand for Matt Devlin, everybody? Matt Devlin is Matt Devlin on social media. D-E-V-L-I-N. He's really good friends with my brother.

I have a brother. He lives in Venice Beach. They all live in Venice Beach. Him, Bronston, my brother. The beard guys. My brother is famous in Venice Beach. Him, Bronston, my brother. The beard guys. My brother is famous in Venice Beach just as being a free spirit. Yeah, like everybody knows him.

Like people get starstruck when they find out I'm his brother. No, he's not really that Italian. He's not really on the Italian side of the family, but he does fucking hate rats. You know what I'm saying? Pulling another name side of the family, but he does fucking hate rats. You know what I'm saying? Pulling another name out of the bucket. This is going to be our first lady

of the night. Make some noise for Leah Mansfield, everyone. Leah Mansfield. Here we go. One more time for Leah Mansfield, everyone. Leah! Finally a woman, kind of, huh? Yeah. That's all I got. Man, I'll tell you, my dad turned 68 this year,

and he came out to me as a bisexual cross-dresser. Yeah, together we make a full woman. My mom's dead. The thing that complicated that was that she had two cats when she died. And when she died, they didn't find her for five days. That's a long time. But hey, maybe be nicer to your kids and they'll show up more often. Wow. Incredible. I believe it was the great Montel Jordan that once said the words

this is how we do it incredible performance Leah Mansfield taking your time owning the moment absolutely just staying in the pocket really incredible stuff set of the night blatantly and incredible stage presence

welcome to the show thank you I stopped giving a shit. That helps a lot. Hey, it sure does. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. That's the most important fucking thing, actually. There's a woman that loves me.

I'm like, eh. That's it. Hell yeah. I could have sex tonight. That's cool. I mean, I probably won't, but. I love it. I love it.

I love it. How long have you been with that woman? A little over two years. A little over two years. Where'd you guys meet? Tinder. Whoa. Wow.

That's a beautiful place. Yeah. Dude, listen, you can keep playing Tinder, but I won already. Yeah, I like that. I didn't realize Tinder was a big lesbian dating site. I thought you guys would be on plenty of Smells Like Fish or something like that. It's more briny like oysters. No, yeah, we met on Tinder.

We have her actually. She's calling into the show right now that is her oh yeah that doesn't surprise me she's got a camera on me somewhere wow I love that yeah lesbians tend to really be she's in charge she's more the alpha one of course

wow that's incredible I would have guessed yeah I know I've got the short hair that's it that's it I do a lot of dishes. That's all she allowed, huh? A lot of pussy eating. She's like the alpha boss in this. She is. She's an executive. Wow. I would have guessed

totally different. I would have guessed you're with some innocent little girl that just spreads her legs and just lets you fucking go to fucking all you can eat buffet. And then you switched it. You're like, you know what? I want to be man handled or woman handled or whatever it is.

Yeah, no, it's great. She bosses me around. Wow. Yeah, tells me what to do. Tells me to shut the fuck up. Wow. Are you sure she's not a man? Nah, man. This is a beautiful story I'm in there twice a week

it's fine you should know that man I love it man yeah dude I well here's what happened the year before I met her

I stopped dating and I didn't go out with anyone I didn't sleep with anyone I just was working on myself trying to be a better person and I was like what do I really want in a woman and I was like

oh here's what it is I want a woman who'll be like Leah put that down wow that's incredible I fucking got that it's what it is I want a woman who'll be like Leah put that down wow that's incredible I fucking got that so she's more the alpha in the relationship so my next question is wow how short is

her hair must be even what does she have the Joe Rogan like shave it all off she's Dr. Phil she's a skull say that again which hair are you talking about? Whoa. Hell yeah.

I love it. I love it. That's incredible. Long hair on top. I'll tell you that. Long hair on top. Short hair probably down below is my guess. Takes good care of herself.

Leah, you are incredibly talented. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Any answer is a good answer. It's like an embarrassing length of time at this point. We're not going to be shocked because you absolutely destroyed with your minute. You killed 14 years. You're a brilliant joke writer. Thank you.

I loved every joke. Thank you. The joke about your father at the beginning, is he really a cross-dresser? Yeah, it's a new thing. He came out very late. Wow. And I had to sit him down like he should have done for me as a teenager.

Yeah. And be like, listen, I know what's going on. Is this true? Yeah, it's true. How did you know? I did it like three days after my mom died. My mom dies, sit my dad down. I'm like, listen, you knew when he started putting on her clothes after her death.

Yeah, well, he grew out his hair and wore a lot of silk. And I was like, listen, I know what's going on. Wow. You like women's clothes. It's fine. And he goes, he doesn't want to get any surgeries but he likes going out as a woman and I hate it so we're perfect

perfect father that's incredible the word of the day is acceptance wow so many words of the day today that's incredible usually there's only one it's been a long show kids should watch this show for sure they'll learn some shit

I love it man what are you from Leah? It's a long show. Kids should watch this show for sure. They'll learn some shit. I love it, man. That is so cool. Where are you from, Leah? West of Seattle. Bremerton if you know it, but Seattle if you don't. What do you do for work? I have a rich girlfriend. Whoa.

Heck yeah. Wow. Kids, if you work hard enough, you can get a rich girlfriend one day too. My goodness. Guys, listen. This is why it's important to eat good pussy. Hey.

What does she do? She's an executive, business executive. She does business strategy. She worked at Fox. She just got her severance from Disney. Wow. That is incredible. We're going to Spain next month. I don't want to brag, but I am bragging. We're going her sevens from Disney. Wow. That is incredible. We're going to Spain next month.

I don't want to brag, but I am bragging. We're going to Spain. I have a question. Go to Sevilla. Yeah, we're going to Sevilla, Granada, Barcelona, and Andorra just because we haven't been there and we just want to brag to our friends that we went to Andorra because we're idiots.

Nice. Cool. It's pretty awesome. Yeah. I don't know how long this is going to last, but I'm going to ride it out as long as possible. Absolutely. I got a question.

Do you have any tips for straight guys on pussy eating or how we could... Yeah, totally. I was absolutely going to get there. You should talk to her beforehand. I mean, I try to, yeah, but any technique? Everyone's different.

Just ask what's working. That's the biggest thing. But any sort of technical advice? Yeah, like is there any chance that maybe if we maybe played some pussy-eating music that you could give us a little example straight down the barrel? Hey, look at this. This is very exciting. Who's got Barry White? You got Barry White?

Barry White? Absolutely. We're going to bring that right up for you. Whatever you want. Lesbians associate this with dogs that need homes. Yes, exactly. I had a lesbian friend that used to refer to pussy licking as uphill gardening. Have you ever heard that? Oh, that's great! Yes!

That is. That's sort of like getting the oyster shell open with your tongue. That's what I've heard. Sometimes there's a pearl in there. Yeah. Uphill gardening. All right. So just someone. Hey, how about that?

Is that good enough? Is that good? All right. You guys want me to describe pussy eating? Who wants to see her show us how to eat a pussy here live on Kill Tony? Here we go. All right. Yeah.

First you start out, you get a resume. Then a job. Then you meet a lady who also has a job. Both of you have jobs. You can meet once a week. Yeah. You have jobs. Then you take off your clothes and you talk about your jobs.

That's it. You just talk mostly. It's a lot of like... You have to be excited no matter what it looks like. Wow. It looks weird. Just go for it.

Wow. It tastes slightly salty. If it tastes more than slightly salty, she should go to the doctor. Ah. Yeah, it's not bad. It's not bad. My goodness, I like that.

That's very interesting. Just go in. You know what? You just got to talk to her. You got to be consistent. There's a button. They talk about it in the movie The Color Purple. It's like cauliflower, right?

Brian's never had, as you can tell by his build, Brian's never had cauliflower before. Don't go to that store anymore. That is bad cauliflower. No one says that about cauliflower. My goodness. Wow, that is interesting. We learned a lot here.

Ask about their job. That's the most important thing, really. Yeah, I guess so. You find the thing, and then is that working? And then eventually you just don't have to ask those questions because you've done it enough times. Right, you've done it enough times. Yeah, and then make sure she makes you coffee in the morning that's important too

wow i like that so she makes you coffee she does yeah oh my goodness that's how good it is wow look at that what was the last fight you got into oh i was applying for a scholarship to ucb Oh, I was applying for a scholarship to UCB, and I wrote out my scholarship, and she wrote out an alternative scholarship application, and we got a huge fight right up to midnight when I was going to apply. And I was like, I'm putting mine in. And she's like, I think mine's better.

And then I put mine in, and I got accepted. Hey, look at that. Let's check in with Christopher. Somehow that's gayer than getting your pee-pee sucked by Cheddar. Wow, look at that. Let's check in with Christopher. Somehow that's gayer than getting your pee-pee sucked by Cheddar. Wow. Look at that. How about one more time for the great Leah Mansfield, everybody. Coming on. Flexing how it's done.

An amazing 60-second set from Leah Mansfield. Everyone, that is just awesome. I absolutely love that. Set of the night. Hell yeah. No doubt about it.

That's one of the fun things about this show. Maybe it's someone's first time. Maybe they're a couple years in. And every once in a while, we'll have someone that really, really knows what they're doing. It goes to show there's no coincidences in this thing. Like, if you work hard and then fucking perform well and take your time, you do good. How about one more time for Leah Mansfield,

everybody? Leah! Let's do that. We have regulars on this show, ladies and gentlemen. We have two comedians that perform a brand new minute every single week. This first comedian, you know him. He's been doing this for a while.

He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. It's a love or hate relationship, it seems, with this guy. He has a lot of haters out there. And some people just absolutely love him. Put your hands together for the great William Montgomery, everybody. Here we go. Let's see what happens here tonight. Here he comes, live and in the flesh.

It's the one and only William Montgomery. Very controversial figure. Very polarizing man. Come on, one more time for William Montgomery. How's it going? I don't know what happened to my teeth. Time for William Montgomery. How's it going? I don't know what happened to my teeth. So today was Columbus Day.

I'm glad they changed it to National Filipino Day. Finally, a holiday for my people. I would like to give it up for my uncle, Richard Chuebis. He is my Filipino uncle. He runs chuebis. He is my Filipino uncle. He runs chuebis.com. It's a lot like iTunes, but only Lubega songs. Did y'all hear about that guy down in Florida who swallowed the sinkhole?

Just kidding, it's the other way around. So I got pulled over by the police the other day, and the whole time I was just like, Oh, hello, sir! I wasn't coming over to speak with you! But Tony, I can't get over the fact that your uncle is also named Richard Schwebis. Are we related? We probably are, William. Welcome to the show.

That's William Montgomery's set, everybody. Richard Schwebis seems to be a running theme. That set got me on Showtime at the Apollo. I got got off stage by the clown with the shepherd's crook. With the what? The shepherd's what? Shepherd's crook. I don't know if y'all are Christians, but yeah, the shepherd's. Shepherd's hook.

Okay. William, welcome to the show. I just saw you a week ago, but it looks like you've aged a decade since then. Is everything okay in your personal life? How does he look older than Eddie Pepitone? What the fuck? Eddie's 19, you son of a bitch. How dare you?

Oh, my God. I have some good news and some bad news. Let's hear it. My girlfriend dare you? Oh, my God. I have some good news and some bad news. Let's hear it. My girlfriend is, in fact, not pregnant. She was, in fact, very offended. I said she missed her period for two months. It was actually just a week. I'm going to clear that up.

Let's give it up for my lady friend. She's watching it right now. I think the bad news is I have been poisoning my roommates who kicked me out of the apartment. Yeah, what have you been poisoning them with? They have Colgate.

I've been putting a lot of Pepsit AC in their Colgate. That's a pill you take if things are wrong with your tummy. I've been... It's like Zantac. A lot like Zantac.

I don't know if you all saw on the news, but it's giving people cancer. Yeah. And you actually, there's been a lot of people that hit me up on social media this week because you are famous for Zantac references. You've been doing that since your first appearance on this show and a lot of people are wondering if your health is okay, if you've gotten checked out by a doctor because you've also talked about urinating,

blood, and other things. Have you been to a doctor recently? I, the other night was on top of a building. I was sort of, after all this bullshit in my life, I was thinking about jumping off.

I didn't. I went to the doctor the next day. I told him my symptoms. He was like, I think it's strep throat. You told him about blood in your urine and he guessed strep throat? He said strep throat. Where was this doctor

at? It was in the Philippines. Oh, okay. You went to the Philippines for your doctor, huh? Whoa, look at the look you're giving Tom Rhodes right now. What's going on over here? I've been to the Philippines, and I've pretended I was a doctor a few times. Hey, hell yeah, strep throat. Hey, Tom, can we act like I went down to the Philippines on a ship, took me a long time?

You know what? Let's skip that. Let's skip that. Let's skip this idea. This is your first time being seen by the great and powerful Eddie Pepitone. Eddie, what are your thoughts on William? I'm confused. But I sense, you know, a funniness, you know?

It just needs to be nurtured and coddled and petted. William, something looks different about you. Did you shave your eyebrows off or something like that? What's different? Did somebody do something to you this past week? I found myself three nights ago on a bed looking at walls of red.

Walls of red? Walls of red just thinking, William where are you? The gates of hell? Or a good buddy's place? What are you doing here? What's going on? How long have you been here? I don't get it. What did it take? 30 minutes to get here? What's going on? How long have you been here? I don't get it. What did it take? 30 minutes to

get here? Was that a wreck on the highway? William, please answer me right now. Where are you? What's up with these? I mean, what is going on? What has happened? You were in the Philippines two months ago. You were having a pretty good time. You got sick. You were in the hospital for four weeks, up to a month. William, I see a piece of paper sticking out of your pocket that has little words on it.

Clearly, you write. What do you write, and why is it that you don't ever do any of that on this show? What do you have there? Can is it that you don't ever do any of that on this show? What do you have there? Can you give us an example of something that you haven't done on this show before that you've written? I have just a bullet point. Michael Receif, and underneath it in quotation marks,

hold on, is this Receif's? He does say that. Look at that. Look at the reaction you get when you do jokes. It's incredible. Do another one. So I've got an idea for a t-shirt. Color is a circumstance. It's gonna be the color green and have an alien on the front.

Okie dokie. Alright. I love it man I love your style William He's got it written out word for word Christopher It said that word for word Wow that's incredible Well William

Hold on is that a broom closet Just in quotation marks Hold on is that a broom closet Okay now save some of this You have a lot of shows coming up this week. And, you know, he's going to be rolling around with us. Thank you all so much. I literally started trusting in Jesus three months ago.

I was living in a sewer system in the Philippines. All right. There he goes. William Montgomery, everybody. Something's different about him. I can't figure out what it is. Dude, baby, step back from that ledge,

my friend. We have a brand new regular, ladies and gentlemen. Last week, this guy was christened as, I believe, our seventh or eighth ever regular in the history of the show. This is his first time in the rotation, getting to write and perform a new minute every single week. Everybody's absolutely thrilled about this. He is a monster, and we have so much fun every time he's on.

Make some noise. A brand new minute from the great David Lucas, everybody. Here we go. Here we go. Here he is. David Lucas, everyone. Come on. One more time for David, everybody.

Yeah, man. I'm trying to be more healthy. Gave up meat and shit. Yeah. Hired a trainer. But I hate when trainers ask me stupid-ass questions. You know what I'm saying? Like, after we work out, he like, what you about to do?

I'm like, nigga, I'm about to eat. Like, I burned 1,200 calories. You don't think I deserve to eat 800 more? You know what I'm saying? For real. I had to stop going to my gym. I was going to Planet Fitness. And these niggas was giving out pizza every Thursday.

Like, y'all don't give a fuck about my health. Y'all got candy when I check in. You know what I'm saying? Like, after a while, I'm like, shit, the gym is $10. That's like an unlimited pizza pass. I was only going on Thursdays. Mingling with the rest of the fat people.

Like, hey, Ryan, what's up, man? They out of Thin Crust. Better come back next week. We'll hit them next week for sure, bro. All right, man. Check you later hit him next week for sure, bro. Alright, man. Check you later. Fuck yeah, David Lucas, everybody.

Hell yeah. Man, my goodness. That's interesting. Did you really stop eating meat? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Only fish. Oh, wow. Only fish. What kind? Whales? Ha! Anthony Hinchcliffe is at it again. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Only my mother calls me that when she's mad at me. I know. She hit me up. Oh, you son of a bitch. She was like, I think Tony needs a black stepdaddy. Oh, my goodness. I might be your stepdaddy, nigga.

Oh, my goodness. Yeah, well, that's funny, because your mom hit me up. She's looking for a new kidney, so... My mom's healthy as fuck, motherfucker. Is that true? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She ain't got no health issues. Wow, really?

Goddamn, all black people ain't got shit. I mean, let's just say I know you're the only thing that doesn't run in your family. You know what I mean? Something like that. So you're white. Do you have ass burgers, motherfucker? I mean, if there were ass burgers here, you'd probably be ordering them to eat.

These are below the belt shots, Tony, motherfucker. I can't see. Beaver mouth ass. I don't know if anything's below the belt with you, David Lucas. Seems like everything's really above the belt. So welcome. This is your first time doing a locked in minute on the show. It's as always.

It's a huge bang. This is the start of a new era, which is very exciting. The Negro wave. Hell yeah. Absolutely. This is it. It's all happening. How's the last week of your life been? Shit been good, man. I got a lot of new white fans.

Y'all keep on following me and shit. You know what I'm saying? I fuck with y'all. I appreciate where the camera's at. There they go. They're following you. I'll take all the darker fans. Hey, look at that. I like these two guys. I like your confidence. It was very funny.

Does Planet Fitness or wherever you said you worked out? Planet Fatness, obviously. Do they really do free pizza on Thursday? Yeah, they give out free pizza. That's why I had to leave that moment. That's why you only work out on Thursdays. That's a fat person gym. You know what I'm saying?

Absolutely. What do you like to do at the gym? What's your... Look at women. Wow. Absolutely. Hell yeah. Look at women and use the towels.

Take them bitches home. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely, man. I'm a frugal-ass black person. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely, man. I'm a frugal-ass black person. I take the towels. Does your gym have a pool? My new gym got a pool. I upgraded.

Do you want to swim in the gym? I can swim, bro. What you trying to say? Looking like one of them niggas from Jurassic Park. Oh, wait. No. Don't take shots at the guests, David. We learned about this

last week. David, David Lucas. That's Mr. Wilson from Dennis the Menace. Okay, all right. Take it easy. Take it easy. Take it easy on the guests,

David. Take it easy on the guests. I think you're amazing. This guy, this guy has... If you bite into a sandwich, I bet your teeth would be stuck.

Okay, David, you stop it. You stop it. David, stop it. He does this to people, Eddie. This guy did this to Michael Bisping last week, one of the greatest fighters of all time, and he literally

would not stop making fun of him. I ain't scared, though. I ain't scared. Fuck that. You're definitely not scared. I was frightened, however. He only got one eye. I would have poked that good eye out. No, you wouldn't have.

I would have poked me down. He got one eye. He's not going to beat me. I'm going to poke that. I'm going to spit at it, poke it, whatever the fuck I got to do. He just turned left. Oh my god. I'm so glad you're saying all this now that he's not here. That's a disability. He can get a check every month. That's a disability. Alright. He would have a better every month. That's a disability.

Alright. Okay. He would have a better chance if he was in a wheelchair. Why would he have a better chance? Because at least he got all his sight and shit, but nigga, that eye? Okay. Yeah. I mean, you're right, but he had one eye when he won the light heavyweight championship of the world

a year and a half ago or two years ago, too. If he beat that nigga, I could beat that nigga. Oh, my God. Michael Bisbee. Okay. That only means one thing. Next Kill Tony, we're going to have Luke Rockhold here, and we're going to see if you can. I'm kidding.

That was the guy. He was the former light heavyweight champion of the UFC. Oh, yeah. I wrestled his ass. Okay. Okay. I mean, I agree. I think the only thing that

you can really handle that's shaped like an octagon is a large pizza what you eat on your pizza you look like you eat weird shit like shoestrings I do I eat shoestrings on my pizza actually I've been exposed here on my own show by

hey let me get a large pizza shoestrings and paper napkins absolutely which reminds me when you on my own show by... Hey, let me get a large pizza, shoestrings, and paper napkins. Absolutely. Which reminds me, when you lose your feet to diabetes, I'd love your shoestrings. I was just gonna... What kind of shoes you got on, Tony? Just gonna have a bunch of...

They can't see your feet. Tony be wearing wrestling boots and shit. That's true. Off of the top rope foot ass. Absolutely. I mean, you know what it's like wrestling with obesity on a daily basis. It's so fun. David Lucas' first minute as a railer.

Anything else for David, guys? It's a machine, this kid. Keep your mouth closed. Oh, no. David, you be nice. He's so mean to people. I've seen you before. Yeah.

What's your name? Tom Rhodes. You relate to Dusty Rhodes? Yes, he's my uncle. For're so mean to people. I've seen you before. Yeah. What's your name? Tom Rhodes. You relate to Dusty Rhodes? Yes, he's my uncle. For real? No. I knew it. Oh, okay.

No, I love Dusty Rhodes, but actually his real name wasn't Rhodes. He changed it to that. Oh, shit. I don't know. But I love Dusty Rhodes. That's true. I have wined and dined with kings and queens and lived in alleys off of pork and beans. I don't know what he's talking about, y'all.

Help me. Dusty Rhodes used to, like Muhammad Ali used to do great rhymes. No, Dusty Rhodes from wrestling. That's what I'm talking about. Oh, he sang too? Dusty Rhodes, that was his most famous line. He used to do these kind of white trash. Well, see, you're older than me, so I probably don't know that.

I know the wrestling, Dusty. David, we got to teach you how to be nicer than guests. I mean, these guys could potentially take you to open and feature for them and things like that. I don't trust his mouth, so he can't do shit for me. Yo, David, you stop it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

He's ruthless. If that's the road. All right. All right. David Lucas, everybody. There he goes. This guy's unbelievable. This guy's a machine.

I love him, Tony. If he burned calories like he burned bridges, he'd be an unstoppable machine. I'm telling you right now. This guy comes up every week and tries to light up the gas. I didn't expect that. It was like he came at me guests. I didn't expect that. You know, it was like. And you didn't ask him. And you didn't ask him.

He's the only guy that's been up all night that doesn't know how to read. And you didn't even ask him. I'm just kidding. Menus. He reads menus. You guys want to go back to the bucket one more time, huh? All right. here we go and your final comedian of the night will go by the name of celeste torrence everybody celeste torrence here we go that's not celeste is that that Celeste? Is that Celeste?

No. No. All right. Let's hold on a second here. All right. That's not Celeste. Nope. So, oh, we know this young lady.

She is an elite member of the Apollo 13. Make some noise for Mina Q, everybody. Mina Q. Mina Q. everybody. Mina Q. Oh no. That's crazy. She's always here.

I even saw her earlier. I saw her earlier. Let me do her bat symbol real quick. It's okay. Bacon soda. Bacon soda. How about Arden, everybody? A-R-D-I-N, Arden. There you go.

There's a lumberjack. Here we go. Arden. Your final comedian of the night, it's Arden, everybody. Here we go. Hello, hello. It's good to be here. Good to see you all.

Thanks for hanging out. And I know what you're thinking, that, oh, no, another white guy here to gentrify the place. And it's not. I'm an actor as well as a comedian, and you always got to be ready to audition. That's why I keep the hair up like this, because I'm tired of the gender inequality, because I want to be a sexy male librarian. So tonight I'm going to do my audition for everybody here, folks at home. So here we go.

Here we go. I think I should be paid 1.5 million dollars for that I think it's totally fair and reasonable Don't you? Come on No? Damn Thought my white privilege would come through Oh well Thank you Come on. No? Damn. Thought my white privilege would come through. Oh, well.

Thank you. Thank you. I'm Arden. There you go. Arden. Arden. All right. That's one way to put a big ribbon on a fun episode of Kill Tony. This is incredible.

Welcome, welcome, Arden. This is your first time on the show. I remember you, no doubt about that. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years. Uh-huh. Thank you. All of it here in Los Angeles? No, San Francisco.

You're from San Francisco? No, from New Jersey originally. You started up in San Francisco. Yes. What made you go to San Francisco first? I was in advertising and marketing. My career just took me out that way. Are you still in that field?

No, I quit all that and now I'm unemployed. You're unemployed. How long have you been unemployed for? Almost a year now. Are you enjoying it? No, not very much. I've been trying to find work. It's a little hard. Have you run out of money yet? Oh yeah. How do you survive?, not very much. I've been trying to find work. It's a little hard. Have you run out of money yet? Oh, yeah. So how do you survive?

Family, very disappointed. A very disappointed family that gives you money. Do you know that I used to have really long hair? And then I bought a calendar and realized it wasn't 1986. I'm just kidding. I'm sorry. I couldn't resist it. I'm sorry. I feel bad.

So when you say your family is disappointed I'm so. So when you say your family is disappointed... I'm so sorry. When you say your family is disappointed in you, what are we talking about here? I mean, now they're starting to come around because they've been pursuing the comedy thing. Wait till they see tonight. This was nerves.

I got you. That makes sense. How long have you been doing the librarian bit? Is that a brand new bit? No, I've been working on that for a bit. It's just a little anxious. Do you wear your hair in that bun ever? Yeah, usually. Why?

You have internet, right? Yeah. You know everyone hates that shit. Yeah. We all make fun of you. Why do you do it? It's just convenient sometimes. I don't wear it constantly like that.

You look more like Red Dead. Wow. Jesus Christ. Look at that. There's a real live YouTube commenter in the audience, everybody. Just dropping some zero star knowledge. You do have great hair, by the way. Oh, thank you.

Yeah, that is incredible. So tell us more about you, Arden. What are you into? You seem like a very hip dude. You're clearly, you know, you have the San Francisco. You had a man bun a second ago. Yeah, when I had money, I was into rock climbing. That was a big thing for me.

Yeah, yeah, no. How expensive is rock climbing? Pretty expensive. Is it? Yeah, I used to travel with it. I used to go to Mexico, Puerto Rico, upstate New York, Yosemite. All to climb rocks.

You thought Red Band hated you before. Wait until you find out his feelings on rock climbing. Rock climbing, what else? There has to be something that makes you interesting. This third one. I used to be a raging alcoholic. Now I'm sober. How long have you been sober for? Three years.

Three years. It makes dating very hard. You know, just sober dating. I'm very anxious You think that's what makes it hard, huh? Oh, yeah. That and the personality and the hair and everything else. Right, right, right. Do you rock the man bun while going on dates with women? No, usually I wear it down. Oh, okay. That makes sense. Right, right, right. Do you rock the man bun while going on dates with women?

No, usually I wear it down. Oh, okay, that makes sense. That's a good move. Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting, your joke about the librarian, and everybody listened when you said, shh, it was incredible.

Like very, not really hilarious, but it was very effective. The room was dead silent during the set. I'm sorry about bringing you down. You know what I don't get about the hair? You know you can fucking get rid of it, right? Yeah, yeah. You like it?

I kind of like it. I just also can't figure out what I would want to do with it. How many of you think we should give him a haircut right now on this stage? Oh, no. No, no, no, no. No? No.

Your hair is great, man. Your hair is awesome. You just keep it like that until you start balding like me, and then that's true. Arden says no to the haircut. What an interesting thing. Why is it? What do you got going on where you don't want to cut your hair? I'm working on a TV pilot that's about me

kind of looking like Jesus. Oh, okay. That makes Jesus. So, yeah. Oh, okay. That makes sense. They never pick. Those things never get made. You could fucking cut your hair, man. That's true. Absolutely. So you got no girlfriend, no real love life, dating's hard.

Yeah, I mean, I had a panic attack in a lift on the way to a date recently. Really? What kind of panic attack are we talking about? Let's talk about that. I'm talking full-on sweats like this, the sinking feeling, heart palpitations, the whole nine. What happened when you got there? It was pretty much okay. It was a coffee date, but I had decaf, so that was all right.

Do you have any meds for it? Yeah, yeah. So now I take Lexapro and some. But I'm still dialing it in. I'm sure your dad was excited when he found out he'd have to pay for all that too, right? I mean, I was 51-50 so he kind of, you know. Oh, they did you like that, huh?

Well, it was, I was, well not to make light of the situation, but I was beating myself up and my roommate called the cops because he didn't know what to do. What do you mean beating yourself up? How many of you would like to see this guy beat himself up tonight? No, no, no, no, no. Christopher, there you go.

I beat myself with my fists and my belt. You what? I beat myself with my fists and my belt and so they called the cops. You beat yourself? So where would you hit with your fists? So anywhere in the torso region and then my back with my belt. My goodness.

And then they came and they saw you and they're like, oh, my God, what woman did this to you? Well, no. Light bruising. I told the cops when they showed up, they said, we heard you were hurting yourself. And I said, no, I fell. And they didn't believe me, so they took me in. Just an idea to make money. Next time you're going to beat yourself up, put it on pay-per-view.

Yeah, no. I'm trying not to do that anymore. That's why I'm taking the meds now. Mental health is a serious thing, and anybody, if you need help, please call for help. Don't get to where I got. Would you like to co-host my show? Absolutely.

We take mental health very seriously here on Kill Tony, and that's a real thing. So just want to make sure that disclaimer's out there. Sorry once again to bring down the whole energy again. You ever use CBD for your anxiety? Yeah, and THC. Very good. Very good. You can use the promo code KILLTONY at InfiniteCBD.com and get unbelievable discounts.

It's incredible stuff. I take Lamictal. That's our old friend Brody. Beat himself up the old school way. You know what I mean? To the finish line, not like you, just fucking throwing the ones and twos at yourself. He didn't slap himself with a belt

like a fucking pussy. You know what I'm saying Brody knew how to finish the fucking job by the way I suffer from a lot of fucking anxiety you know and anxiety can be such a fuel for comedy like seriously

scream that shit. I've been screaming for 40 years, you know? Which is why my teeth are fucked. You know? So do you ever think of using comedy as, like, a cathartic experience to get that anxiety out? I mean, I talk about my mother's suicide attempt. I talk about...

Boy, you're a drag. How did your mom try to kill herself? She downed a handle of gin in my prescription for Claritin. Oh, wow. Claritin. Oh, my goodness. The old loud cry for help. You know what's wild?

She must not have sneezed for like three weeks after that. That's incredible. She flow-naised herself to death. You don't look like you have lived this pain. You just look like a guy who's like, hey, let's blow bubbles. Yep. Yeah. You look like you do acoustic covers of Dave Grohl songs.

Yeah. You look like you do acoustic covers of Dave Grohl songs. Yeah. It's some of that. Arden, anything else crazy, interesting that we should know about you before we let you go? Any fun facts about you? Do you have, like, eight toes or, like, a two-foot-long cock or something like that?

No, I tried making a game show pilot about doing dabs with comedians. That went nowhere, but, you know. At least nobody fucking died in that story. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Game shows with dabs, that's an interesting one. Called it Dabs for Dollars.

Dabs for Dollars. And how much could they make by taking a dab? So the joke was that you can't actually win that show. Oh. Yeah. That's a great joke. Yeah. That's the way up there. Put your hands together for Arden, everybody. There he goes.

He's on social media at Arden Comedy. That's his first appearance on this show. But as we know, a lot of people come back, get redemption, have a better set next time. How about one more time for Arden, everyone? Look at this amazing drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. Look what he did while you all sat there doing less than nothing,

drinking and enjoying yourselves. He was hard at work. RyanJEBelt.com for all those prints. Still tickets for Kill Tony Mania this Friday and Saturday at Cobbs in San Francisco, Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, D.C., Columbus, Ohio, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, and Calgary

all on sale now. How about one more time for Eddie Pepitone, everybody? His first time on this show, definitely not his last. Make sure you check out Pep Talks on the All Things Comedy Network and eddiepepitone.com for tickets to see him do stand-up.

He's heading out east in November and the southwest in December. How about one more time for the return of Tom Rhodes, everyone? His new comedy album, Around the World, is available at tomrodes.net. This is exciting stuff. How about another hand for Jeremiah Watkins, everybody? He was Christopher tonight, and he is headlining Huntington Beach's Rec Room with Joel Berjul Jimenez, William Montgomery,

and a bunch of other people going with him November 16th. He's in St. Louis headlining his own weekend at the Helium Comedy Club November 29th and 30th. He's also headlining San Diego December 6th and Kansas City. Going back home December 19th to the 21st. JeremiahWatkins.com for tickets for that. And you have a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders out too,

right? A new Roadcast episode with Red Band, Joel and Janice. There you go. That must have been on your trip down to lovely La Jolla, La Jolla, California. There you go. How about one more time for the great Chroma Chris, everybody? He is he was

Stanley tonight. He batted a thousand. What'd you think about tonight's episode, Chris? Tony, I'd love to give you a gold star. Yay! There he goes. He was batting a thousand, everybody, right? That's the old when you see somebody fall right before they cross the finish line. That's the old when you see somebody fall right before they cross the finish line.

How about one more time for Joel Berg? Joel Jimenez, everybody. He was Jason. This is the first time we've had these child stars on. He's on social media, Mostly Sorry, sponsored by Ludwig. Anything else, Joel? I'm on Steve Simone's podcast, Good Times. Go check it out.

Whoa, that's so cool. I love that. And, yeah, we did it again so uh we love you guys thanks so much for coming out on this incredibly uh lovely monday day here in los angeles california red band uh new kill tony shirts at shop squad.tv and every first and third friday at the ice house check it out that's Live audience, thank you so much. We love you guys. Good night. Thank you. Thank you. Outro Music I'm not saying you can do it..