KILL TONY - KILL TONY #4

Episode Date: July 8, 2013

Ari Shaffir, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 06/24/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Don't forget if you want to see this live, we do this every Monday at 8pm at the Comedy Store followed by the Ding Dong Show at 10. Tickets are free for both shows, just go to thecomedystore.com or go to our website, DeathSquad.TV. And don't forget that ShopSquad, S-H-O-P Squad dot TV, Shop Squad, is open with the new pre-order for the Death Squad shirt pill, which is the third shirt. You can order it right now. They'll be shipping the end of July. So get your order in.

It's a first come, first ship process. And again, they start shipping the end of July. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Thank you for coming to the Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Let's get the guy on stage right now, Tony Hinchcliffe. Fuck yeah, everybody. Here we are again.

Hi, everybody. Welcome back to this planet. These are my friends from Australia. Give it up for the Australians in the room, everybody. Representing, now we have the full universe. The full world press. So we get a very worldly view

on today's show, which is exciting. World feedback from the down under. Fuck New Zealand, right guys? There we go. See, we're already in love with each other. It's perfect. Outback, what? Hell yeah. Bloomin' Onion, right?

Bloomin'. Onion right? That's not a thing There you go Wait, it's not really an Australian restaurant? No, definitely not So you had a fun time I'm kind of jealous of what you did this weekend Explain what happened You know, Ari Shafir

Who is our guest Tonight that I'm very excited about. He started a holiday three years ago called Shroom Fest, and I took part in the first one. We went down to beautiful La Jolla, California and launched into a universe. What we do is we eat mushrooms. Such a holiday. I want a holiday where I just eat mushrooms. It really is.

You know, I've been down to San Diego three of the last four weekends, and I usually consider that a vacation. I go down to Joshua Tree for eight hours. I come back feeling actually refreshed, like I was on a vacation. Did you eat a lot? No, I don't need to eat a lot. I'm very reactive to them. How many times have you shroomed before?

Probably grand total, five, six, seven times. Settle down, lady. Shut the fuck up. All right, shut your filthy mouth. Anyway. So six or seven times you said So was this one of the best ones? Middle of the road?

Not too much happening? This was definitely one of the best ones Usually I eat too much And it gets fucking freaky real quick Did you find Jesus or anything? No, not on this one No, I didn't need to This one I needed to laugh my ass off.

I really needed a good laugh, and I needed to do it to ease up on some anxiety that I've had lately, that never-ending fear that I'm going to die. And sure enough, I can tell just from today alone that it's – there's something about – and I've read a lot of research on this, Harvard studies, Carnegie Mellon studies that mushrooms are

one of the best natural cures for anxiety and depression and things like that. It really brings you right back in. I couldn't agree with it more. It really works that way for me. I'm happy to be reset. I missed last year's Shroomfest because I was working contractually

for a comedy television station. And now I'm back in the game. I feel so fucking great. Did you just camp outside or did you get a hotel? We camped outside. Joshua Tree is one of the most beautiful places. It's really hard to explain, but

it's tons of different rock formations that you wouldn't even believe. You can walk up and you can scale these crazy mountains wearing tennis shoes. And we were bathed in the moonlight of the supermoon. How was the supermoon? Because I tried to look at it. Unbelievable. It just seemed like a moon.

Joshua Tree is notorious for being dark, and it's so dark that you can see all the stars and the moon when it's out and it's crazy. But the super moon on top of the darkness there, I mean, it made it so that it's brighter than even normal yellow lights or even the sun because it's a white light. So it shines everything to a crisp. I mean, there's the shadowed areas which are dark as fuck,

but that makes it so much fun. And so it was perfect. You know, the trick with doing Joshua Tree, right, in our opinion, is getting there late evening and right before the sun goes down, it's already cooling down, and then you enjoy the night under the moon, and then in the morning it's

hot, so you're wanting to pack up and get out. No concern of, like, scorpions or snakes or anything like that? Lots of concern about that. Everything at one point looks like a scorpion and a snake when you're on Mushrooms and Joshua Tree. We should probably

bring up our guest. We should also say hi real quick to the Iron Patriot. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the Iron Patriot. He's gotten rave reviews since... There you go. He's known for his catchphrases and his lack of mobility. He's our head of security. I can't see.

That's the problem. I can move. I can't see. All right. You're stepping on my lines, Iron Patriot. Just relax. Take a breath through that thing if you can. You're breathing in too much of your own, what is it, carbon dioxide?

Yeah. I had to check for scientific words for a second. I'd like to thank you guys for that weed you gave me last week. I haven't got stalled in a long time. How'd it work out for you? It made me ponder the mysteries of the universe. I now know reality's an illusion. We're all at the center of our own universe.

I guess I'm guilty of smoking really good pot. That was a sativa. Pondering the mysteries of the universe. Realizing that, what was it? Realizing that we're all at the center of our own universe. It's all a dream. I love you, Iron Patriot.

You know, one of my favorite things is to now, you know, I watch the clock tick as we get to showtime here, which is, you know, normally scheduled for 8. We usually start a few minutes after. But I love when it gets to like 7.55, 756, and there's no Iron Patriot, because I know that he's going to be here, and there's nothing more exciting than that inevitable anticipation of hearing the squeaking of his suit walking across the room and saying, hey, guys, I'm here again. When you got stoned, what did you do?

Did you just like? Well, porn goes real good with that weed. Oh, porn. Oh, what kind of porn are you into? Like microwaves? I had sex with a weed. Oh, porn. What kind of porn are you into? Like microwaves? I had sex with a thousand different girls. Wow. But also I had one other story.

Oh, okay. Last Monday I went to the Steel Panther show after I left here. That's right. First they didn't want to let me in with my mask, but then I said I was going to fuck things up. They let me in. They let me go to the dressing room with Steel Panther.

They brought me on stage, but the problem is, remember how it killed when I did Stop with the Name of Love here? They don't like Motown there. Right. That is a hard rock crowd. Oh, see the Iron Patriot laying down his armor on an innocent victim.

Bruising bitches already. There you go. But I learned a valuable lesson there. What'd you learn? That this crowd likes different things than the Steel Panther crowd does. Definitely. I mean, singing Motown in front of a Steel Panther crowd is sure to get some boos. I did get a chorus in and one verse, though, before they started to boo. Can you do the chorus real quick for us?

Stop in the name of love before you break my heart. Stop in the name of love before you break my heart. Take it over. Yeah, Iron Patriot. Multi-talented. Can you believe they didn't like that?

I can't believe it. I mean, it's shocking. I think I need to do their song, Supersonic Sex Machine. Supersonic Sex Machine! Definitely. Definitely. That seems like a big improvement. I might try that one tonight when I go there. Patriot, are you excited about tonight's guest?

I'm Ari Shafir. I'm a big fan of his. I'm meeting every one of my Death Squad heroes every week. This is a dream come true for me. Yeah, what's your favorite thing that you've seen Ari do? Well, I've listened to his podcast called The Skeptic Tank and also I've seen him on the Joe Rogan Experience many times. There you go. He's got me excited. What do you say we

do this? Yeah, let's do it. This is one of my funniest friends. We just came back from Joshua Tree together today. One of the funniest comedians in the world. One of my good buddies. The amazing racist. Comedy Central HBO's Ari Shafir everybody. Here he is live and in the flesh.

Right off the Fisherman's Wharf or something. What the heck? I watched this guy shave his beard and his head today. Spontaneously. I was shaving the beard. In the wilderness. You just did it like an animal. I was shaving the beard. In the wilderness. You just did it like an animal.

Did you do the whole thing? There you go. See that? Look at this guy. You can just do whatever he wants. I can do whatever I want. And you looked cool throughout the entire thing.

He started with the top middle and he pulled off like this Daniel Day-Lewis because he had like these chops. It was crazy. And then you go, it's amazing how fast you can go from Jewish to German

with a quick trim of everything. I'll try to be creepy against it if I have my glasses off. Oh my god. I remember this season like four years ago when you went through this season and you started wearing the little hats on the side and then you started dressing up.

You have so many different eras of a look. I mix it up. I like to mix it up. That way nobody can... I don't know. I can't grow facial hair, so I don't have a choice in the matter. I just do it out of laziness. That's fun.

Did you have a good shroom? Did you go deep? No, not crazy. I just had fun walking around, looking at stuff. It was very adventurous. It wasn't the super visual. It wasn't the super I found God. It was the adventure.

I want to go through this. Let's go find more rock formations and going under things and wondering if we're gonna end up in a trap like a labyrinth like thing that we just have to back out on and then you find a new opening and you're like oh my god it was so much fun so we really we went miles away from our campsite really under under the uh out into the wilderness of j Tree. It was pretty fun. Coyotes just howling. I mean, the place was alive. Wow. It was very exciting. That's cool.

Yeah. Now, Ari, have you seen the show before? Do you know how it works? I think so. I haven't seen it before, but I think I know how it works. Everyone gets up here, and then Tron over there gets to smack him in the face if they do something wrong. That's right. Tron.

Whatever. I'm the Iron Patriot. Iron Patriot's a big fan of yours, Ari. Nice. He said it was an honor to work with me here. An honor. I love it. Well, what do you say we get the shindig started?

What do you think? Let's do it. All right, everybody. How do we do it? Who goes up first? This is how it happens You guys ready to just Kick this thing off or what?

Yeah Yes That's how it happens I say things like that And then we pick a name Out of the hat Alright I make them clap

And then we get into it Alright if you don't know Comedians do a minute And then we talk about it Going up first tonight, lucky number 20, Jeffrey Feldman, everybody. More people sign up than ever before

tonight. This is a record sign up. Over 27 young, rising, and some old not rising comedians signed up tonight. Put your hands together for Jeffrey Feldman, everybody. Here he is. Thank you, Tony. I watch so much porn that people

would think that there's something wrong with me if they saw how much porn that I watch. Like, I've been checking out this new stuff called Big Sausage Pizza. And the premise of this web series is there's, like, middle-class women and they will order a pizza to their home. And the man

will arrive with a pizza, but the catch is he's got his cock through the pizza box, through the pizza. And the woman sucks his dick through the pizza, which is a completely logical response if somebody delivers a pizza to your house with his cock in your pizza. But I feel for these people, right? I feel for these guys.

Because first of all, they have to work on commission. And if they have to go to the trouble of cutting a hole in the center of a pizza box, driving through the LA traffic to somebody's place of residence and delivering this pizza, they better get their dick sucked because that cheese is scowling hot on their scrotum. Is that a minute?

There you go. 47 seconds from Jeffrey Feldman. What happens if they go over a minute? There you go. Yeah, there you go. 47 seconds. All right. From Jeffrey Feldman. What happens if they go over a minute? They get a sound effect. It's the meow of a cat. Do you interrupt Harvey style as soon as they get to a minute? Yeah. Nice.

Yep. Like that. But he did 47 seconds. The pizza box, scolding hot, cheese. It's just a point. It's not scolding hot. It's scalding hot. Scallion hot. It's really hot.

Yeah. That lady gets angry. This lady is a wildfire over here. She's coming for Lainey's title. Heck yeah. Weird old lady. Also, pizza delivery guys don't work on commission. It's title. Heck yeah. Weird old lady. Hey, also, pizza delivery guys don't work on commission.

It's true. They get paid by the hour in tips. Tips, yeah. I think you're right about that. Yeah. Yeah, like, what kind of commission would be like, I delivered 9 out of 10 pizzas. Like, you don't get to do anything

extra or less. You just give them the pizza. What's happening, Dino? Dean Del Rey just swinging in. Front row. Fucking love it. Honestly, I didn't really listen to the first half of the joke. Well, it was really a long setup.

Setup was a bit long. You needed some punchline in there before the scalding hot. I liked that the guy got his dick sucked. I was a bit long. You need some punchline in there before the scalding hot. I like that the guy got his dick sucked. I was happy for him. Yeah. Maybe there's something in, like, how could it be that easy for a pizza guy to get his dick sucked?

Oh, I don't think it was easy at all to cut a hole in the box and to stick your dick through it. I think that took a lot of effort. Oh, yeah, it does. You know, what's interesting is that if you can close the box and stick your dick through it, I think that took a lot of effort. Oh yeah, it does. You know what's interesting is that if you can close the box, then that means that your penis would only be like, what is that, like

three inches. So I wonder how much they actually, I never really see that, like I've heard of that porn. I click on much more interesting shit than the pizza, I don't watch that. I always go two and a half minutes in straight to the

blowjob on every porno that I watch. Thank you, Iron Patriot. Sometimes you just can't even... There you go. I love it. The Iron Patriot just gets right to the wet shit. I love it. Maybe he putsot just gets right to the wet shit. I love it. Maybe he puts his penis in there, but then to save room,

they have that thing in the middle of the pizza to stop the box from imploding. Maybe they put that on his penis to hold it in. Oh, I see. Could that be a thing? What if she microwaves the pizza first before eating it? Yeah, what if then? Are you going to spin around the microwave? How are you going to run that fast?

So hold on. So it's a guy who gets his dick sucked through pizza boxes. That's what you've been watching. All right, that's cool. Not really. Actually not. Oh. I just thought it was kind of bizarre that this is like a thing that people watch.

I don't actually really watch it. What kind of porn do you watch? It's funny. I don't know why, but I like interracial porn a lot. You say that like it's really, really, really wrong to like interracial porn. I don't know why. You're going to hate me. Interracial porn. I don't know why I'm drawn to it, really.

Of course you're drawn to it, because it's animalistic and more interesting than boring vanilla-on-vanilla crap. I don't like interracial, because I like to imagine that the penis is mine, and when it's black, I just can't put myself in that place. You know, interracial is also a white man with a black woman. No.

That's not true. That's not called interracial. But I'll tell you what is interracial black man black woman yeah talk to porn stars about it yeah black woman white man not called interracial

what's that called? bestiality yes Ari Shafir is here, everybody. Jeffrey, I feel like we've done about as much as we can do for you. Thank you, Jeffrey Feldman. I'm sure that dick threw a pizza box thing. We're going to see that on the Tonight Show soon.

That's network shit, right? We definitely didn't give him any tips on anything he wrote. He had a good premise, but he couldn't really execute it. That happens a lot, I think. So great. I liked how he looked like the lead singer of Fun. Yeah, that's true. That should definitely be an opener.

Or Elliot from E.T. Hell yeah. Yeah, Jeffrey Feldman. So you're Jewish, right? I am Jewish. You're going to be huge. Feldman. Like you're Jewish, right? I am Jewish. You're going to be huge. Feldman. Like David.

David. Or Corey. Like our friend David. Fuck yeah, Iron Patriot's on his A-game tonight. What do you say we do another comedian? I reach into the bucket. You guys ready for more or what, live audience? Fuck yeah.

Wait, does his voice come out of the box in his heart? Yeah, there's a speaker underneath my chest. Why don't you just switch it out? Put the stool there. That's fine. That's fine. Okay. Let's do it.

All right, fine. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is Joanne Trixie Sullivan. It's the lady. Oh, my God. It's her. It's a lady that belongs

in Breaking Bad. Joanne Trixie Sullivan. Yes, a big mouth broad. Get over it. Yeah, baby. I love this. Please. Oh, yeah.

Who raised you, wolves? How dare you? You're like the Don Rickles of... Of tiny people. Okay, go ahead. Do your minute, Trixie. Give it up for Trixie, everybody. Here we go.

She's trying to roast me. Hey there. your minute, Trixie. Give it up for Trixie, everybody. Here we go. She's trying to roast me. Hey there. My nickname's Trixie. My name's Joanne Marie Sullivan. I'm Irish, Italian, and Catholic. That's the trifecta of baby makers in the Midwest. I was second oldest of eight. Changing diapers, cloth diapers, and washing them in a wringer washer at age six.

Yeah, I'm that old. Get over it. Plastic diapers had not yet been invented. Please. So all these guys go, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have my babies. I'm like, well, you know, dude, if you'd give birth to them and take care of them, I'm there. But since that's not a reality, birth to them and take care of them, I'm there. But since that's not a reality, no thanks. You're a bitch or a lesbian. I said, I'm a bitch.

Okay, get over it. Anyway, so dude's like so silly. And he says, hey, this guy says we're eyeballing each other in a bar. Ooh, serious eyeballing. Girls, you know what I mean. Eyeballing. Woo! Eyeballing! There it is. The kitty is meowing for this cougar. I walked over.

It says, hey, baby. Trixie, Trixie, baby, that's your time. Relax. Trixie, you've got to stop. You only get a minute on this show. Just relax. I talk a lot. I'm Italian.

There you go. First of all, I love your catchphrase, which I believe is deal with it. Get over it. Get over it. Get over it. That's it. Get over it. That's like your getter done. Yeah. Because it's true.

People should get over it. Right. Seriously. Seriously. Have you ever thought about making merchandise like T-shirts that just say get over it? No. The T-shirt I would make would be. We call women sluts and men.

Are you thinking of this right now? No. No, I'm not thinking of it. It was in the moment. It was sporadic and it happened. But I'm not a slut, guys. I'm a stud at. Snap.

You know? Guys are studs and girls are sluts. Wrong. Trixie, you're still doing material. Joanne, have you ever gotten pregnant? Once, by mistake.

And what happened to that baby? Where is it now? I ended it with a legal evacuation. It was legal! Get over it! She's still doing it.

I mean, shit. I was changing diapers from the time I was six till I was 16. She's still doing material. The last time I've seen material, they stretched out. What am I supposed to be doing?

Sitting around and acting like a ding-dong? You want me up here? I'm going to start snapping off. Oh, my God. Trixie, Trixie, Trixie. Shut your mouth for a second, all right?

Okay, one thousand. That was one second. Oh my god, she's got the blue stuff, everybody. What blue stuff are you talking about? Have you ever had an STD, Trixie? The only thing I ever had was crabs at age 19 and I thought I was

going to die. Literally. That's the only thing I thought I was going to die. Literally. That's the only thing I ever caught was crabs. So you haven't gotten blood work? You haven't had blood work done since you were 19? Oh, please. Are you kidding me? I've got a lover who was 20 years younger than I am.

I was on my way doing my makeup to come home. Younger. Younger. Younger. Don't you know math? younger younger younger don't you know math don't you know math get over it get over it get over it

exactly now I had some really good hot loving from my much younger lover alright Trixie Trixie

Trixie what ask your question you just keep doing material I think it's gonna turn the crowd off to imagine you having sex. Especially with a black guy. Other things.

You had sex with a black guy? No, my very much younger white boyfriend. I'm 55, he's 34. He's a master of the Kama Sutra. Oh, wow. What does he's a master of the Kama Sutra. Oh, wow. What does he do for a homeless? For what? I missed that.

I missed it because of erratic laughter. What does he do for what? How does he earn his living? He is a computer forensic scientist. Oh. Wow. Holy shit. If you lose something in your hard drive, he can find it.

If somebody's messing around with you and they don't want to know about it and they're trying to hide it, he can find it. So don't even mess with him because he'll find it. How do you get younger guys? What's your trick? Oh my God. Oh. Hello. No babies.

No whacked out vajayjay. And no junk in the trunk like Miss KK whose kid was named North. And hello, the poor kid's nickname is going to be North by what? North by what?

North by what? Do you think other women can use your technique for getting over men? Getting over men? I don't get over men. I get on top of men. Oh. Woo! Are you all tucked in? This is it.

I've got no girdly. No girdly, girdly, gird it. I've got no girly. I've never had a baby, baby. Whoa. Fuck yeah. So you don't have any kids? Were you not listening? No, she's never had a kid.

I was changing shitty diapers from the time I was six till I was 16. Cloth diapers before plastic were invented. Who changes your diaper? Alright, there you go, everybody. There you go, everybody. Put your hands together for Trixie. You were great, Trixie.

Thank you. Amazing. Just sit it on the stool. Thank you, Trixie. You're great. Watch the cord. Be careful. I like to get over careful. I like to get over it. She's got branding going on. I love it. There wasn't a single

wrinkle in all the material that I saw. Really, really solid. I love the haircut. Looks like... Alright. Let's keep it moving along. I like how she's nuts. Yeah, me too.

I bet she's crazy in bed. Just charisma all the way. I bet she is crazy in bed. I bet she's crazy not in bed as well. I bet she's just crazy. There you go. I bet she's a squirter. Have you ever squirted, Trixie? How old are you? Will you mind telling us your age?

You seem so young. Do you guys want to really get into this? She's 55. She told us. Oh, really? I am 55. My lover is 35. I am definitely a squirter.

To the moon, Trixie. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. She made a fart noise after she said squirter. Oh, my God. She made a fart noise after she said squirter. Oh, my God. I'm not a quink. Quink.

Quink. Did you just see Paul's teeth fall off? She's queef. She's a squirter queef. Meaning when she queefs, she squirts. Are you wearing dentures? Actually, yes, because some psycho great in North Hollywood bashed up my teeth. So get over it!

I only know because I saw your top set of teeth fall out for a second when you were just yelling. Well, you know what? I'm not going to be a little miss pussy person pretending it didn't happen. Because life happens. Shit happens.

At least now I know how you're dating a guy 20 years younger than you. Oh, no, no, no, darling. You ever take out your dentures and give them a raw jaw? I don't do blowjobs, baby. My twiddly-diddly-doo is so tight, he doesn't gotta go anyplace else. Get over it!

Get over it! Twiddly-diddly-doo. Twiddly-diddly-doo. twiddly diddly do alright everybody we're gonna go with your next comedian this is fun so far I love what's happening I love the energy in this room

I wanna know if she has any advice to the younger comedians that's a great question all I have to say is that whatever you feel, and it's in your heart, say it. Because this is truly from the heart. And we know you have a mediocre operational heart. So nothing, guys, all right. All I can do is just think about the things you've been through, the things people say to you, and what

you have to live through, and just spurt it out as honestly as you can, and people are going to find it funny, because people say, what are you going to do when you want to grow up? I say, hey, bitch, you're looking at it, so get over it! Good advice.

Good advice. You guys should all listen to that. Well, I'm definitely over talking to Trixie, so you're welcome. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Who knows what can happen here? It's Kyle Shore, everybody.

Kyle Shore. There he is. He's got a backpack or a bomb. Iron Patriot, be on alert. Could be a prop comic. Possible prop comic alert. Heck yeah. So I'm a 37 computer forensic scientist.

Not! I'd be more, uh, completely, I'm not you caught me I'd be more down with helping gay people if I didn't hate rainbows so much I just hate rainbows I don't know why, they're tacky

I'm not saying segregate all the colors I am saying I'm white from the south I just don't like rainbows you can't, why do you throw all the colors together like am saying I'm white from the south. I just don't like rainbows. Why do you throw all the colors together? At least make it three colors or four colors like every other flag in the world. I think there are at least three or four colors. I don't know. If it's not in the

south, it's probably a Yankee. So fucking your cousin's weird. Well, how do you think? I thought i met you at the family reunion i feel dirty now all right all right everybody settle down in here tricksy stuff obviously we created a ruckus yeah tricksy just settle down you don't have to leave just stop talking you're answering rhetorical questions that comedians are talking about now. Hey. Hey.

Zip it. No more talking. You know who you like attention to all the time? You see that? That's Lainey right there. She's the queen of the comedy store. See how polite and behaved she is? Take an example from a real woman, Trixie.

Oh, no. Don't say it like that. All right. All right. Nothing worse than making a 55-year-old woman cry real quick in the middle of the night. All right. I'm just kidding. Shut up, please. Anyway.

I would make her squirt. So, yeah. Well, the material, he was thrown a little bit by Trixie. Definitely. Let's face the facts. A heckling from Trixie is a heckling that nobody wants. Good opening, though, starting off with what just happened. It's true.

He rode the wave, and Trixie, stop talking to people. If you can't stop talking, you're going to have to leave. You're killing me. She's doing it for you. She's doing it. All right. Kyle. What were we talking about?

Then you just kind of got into a whole racist thing. Yeah. It seemed very... It was kind of unclear. Yeah. And you said that you'd be more likely to help the gays if you liked her. What are you helping the gays with? Moving? Shopping?

Mowing the lawn? What do you mean, help the gays? I don't know. Yeah. And plus, most flags do... I mean, rainbows usually have like four colors. Yeah. It's not that many colors.

They just give you the Roy G. Biv of everything. At the most. Cool. Yeah, so I guess it needs to make more sense, I guess. Yeah. Something. You seem like you really want to just hurt people. No. Oh, okay.

Have you ever killed anybody? No. Okay. She's going to light up in here. Huh? She's going to light up in here. What was in the book bag? Was that just your book bag or was that a bomb?

No, no. Did you have another joke? Medicine. Oh. What kind of medicine? Marijuana. Jokes, yeah. I see.

Yeah, I wouldn't leave it around open micers. Yeah, I understand that. That's the advice I got when I started working here. They were like, don't leave anything in the phone room. I was like, what do you mean? Even if it's like a six-year-old Sports Illustrated, they'll steal it. Yeah. So just don't leave anything here.

It's true. There's some areas where you can keep some things, but you really got to know what's what. Yeah. Heck yeah. Your backpack is camouflage. Yeah. Were you in the military? Yes.

Oh, nice. I've heard of that. What'd you do? Infantry. Where's your microphone? Oh, I'm sorry. Infantry. Okay.

Well, you're an American hero. I'm sorry. There's no battle wound Worse than getting heckled by Trixie In front of your peers though So welcome to a new level of Fighting for your country Thank you

Patreons together for Kyle Shore everybody Alright We're bumping It's all happening here Nina B everybody Nina B, everybody. Nina B. There she is. Hello.

I've got the English accent, of course. So you don't feel any pressure to laugh. You just have to understand one word. I've got an overachieving parent, which always makes me feel a failure. He was the lowest of the lowest caste of Hindus, which is called an untouchable,

which sounds really cool, but it's not that gangster in India. It basically means nobody likes you. So his mum packed him up on a boat, sent him to Africa with a tin of biscuits, hoping he'd get eaten by a lion.

But he didn't. It became a scientific genius, as you do around lots of black people. I didn't tell you that. But that now means he couldn't get a job as a doctor because he was an untouchable,

which means you're destined to be poor forever. So he decided to convert to Christianity, which is like if you're in the Lakers and you're a cleaner in the Lakers and you swap your job to become a cleaner at Subway. There you go. I think that's your time. What do you mean a cleaner at the Lakers? Well, everyone wants to be involved with the Lakers, and you're a cleaner, but you're at the bottom.

Oh, right, right, right. But at least with the Lakers. What did you say about a black guy? I think the point she was trying to make is he was a genius only compared to black people. Was that it? No! The black people, around black people, he that it? No! The black people

around black people, he became a genius. And people usually say it's the other way around. But anyway. No, wait. What do you mean he became a genius around black people? Well, she sent him over to Africa to get rid of him. And he actually did pretty well in Africa. What did he do in Africa? I don't know.

For some reason, he got a scholarship there. I don't know what he did. He went to school. You don't usually get good schools in Africa. He went to witch doctor U. He got a scholarship in Africa? Yeah, he did, actually. He was inspired by his witch doctor. Really? Seriously. Yeah. I said, why did you want to be a doctor? And he said there was a good witch doctor

in the village. I knew some people from that lower class in India. Kutravi, is that what it is? Yeah. Yeah. No one takes them. They're like the toilet that what it is? Yeah. Yeah, no one takes them. They're like the toilet cleaners. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I'm destined.

I'm an untouchable and I'm an invisible because then I'm going to be an unseeable. If you convert to Christianity, you become invisible. And then I'm a woman, so I'm doubly invisible. Hey, you don't have to. Women aren't invisible. Holy shit. You don't have to say that you're British.

You're just going to start talking. You're just wasting time. You can just start talking. They'll figure say that you're British. You're just going to start talking. You're just wasting time. You can just start talking. They'll figure out that you're British. Yeah. Really? Yeah, it's not that unique. No doubt about it.

You could even mix it up and say, like, I'm sorry, I'm Chinese or something. I bet you could say Australian. No one would know. No one would care. That's the whole point. I'm invisible. Nobody cares. You can do whatever I want.

When you say you're invisible, what does that mean? What do you mean by that? I don't know. Apparently, I'm unseeable cares. You can do whatever I want. When you say you're invisible, what does that mean? What do you mean by that? I don't know. Apparently I'm unseeable. That's not true. I think you're talking about ugly women. No, I am. I am unseeable and untouchable, apparently. But not in a cool way, not in a gangster way.

Well, I might be. Can I try to touch you? I bet you can't do it. I don't know. I can touch Iron Man. He's not untouchable. Did you just call him the Iron Man? Oh, sorry.

I'm really sorry. The Iron Patriot. No wonder he... He'll rip out your heart in a second. I'm confused. You were on here a couple weeks ago, weren't you? Yeah. I remember you.

They made fun of me and told me I had to show more skin. Wait, are you the one that's dating the girl, the football player? What? Never mind. No. I told you I'm unseeable. That's right. How long have you been in America?

This time since February. What is that, four months? February. That's fun. How long have you been doing comedy? I told you this last time, you obviously forgot, which proves that I'm invisible.

Oh, my God. Well, I guess you're last time you obviously forgot which proves that I'm invisible oh my god well I guess you're not unforgettable yeah can we can we get Trixie up here to have a crazy off right now with this lady

no I'm kidding Trixie's gone Trixie left thank god she did her time and took off keep her out patriot I need you to

do it for your country she needs her own show she needs a lot of attention yeah she needs her own show. She needs a lot of attention. Yeah. She needs her own show on... Animal Network. Animal Planet. The obituary channel.

That'd be a great channel. That would be a good channel. People dying is always fun. Yeah. It's always interesting. I was really stricken with the loss of James Gandolfini last week. Were you really? He was one of my favorites of all time.

What were you hoping he'd put out? Well, a lot of things. I mean, anything that I've ever seen him do is very impressive. When's the last time he worked? He did a lot on Broadway lately. He's one of those actors that's very neurotic and cool and tough. You're good to go. Thank you so much.

I'm sorry I forgot you were up here, but you're so invisible that... I started to feel bad for her when she kept saying she was invisible. I know. Yeah, I know. That's like a really sad outlook on life. Did you understand anything that just happened up there? Not at all. Was that jokes?

Nothing sounded like a joke. It sounded like some kind of story about... It sounded like we were learning something, but we weren't laughing. Why didn't you just chime in earlier with that? I love it. There's nothing meaner than when the Iron Patriot... It was funny, but it just didn't quite... Match up.

There was something there we learned, but I don't know. Does he go down to Hollywood Boulevard and do the thing? Sometimes, yeah. When he wants to make money in a hurry. He does a bunch of different things. He's a regular on what shows do you work on? I'm an extra on Parks and Recreation, one of the city hall employees. Do you use the

suit for that? I might try it next season. Nice. I don't think they'll let me into CBS Studios with this, though. It ain't about what they want. It's about what you want. Mm-hmm. The post-9-11 world is very scary.

Heck yeah. When did you start becoming the Iron Patriot? Was that after 9-11? No. I just got this costume a month ago. And for a year,

I've been dreaming about coming to the Death Squad. Wow. Nice. Great. I'm serious. I really had thought about it for a year I've been dreaming about coming to the death squad. Wow. Nice. Great. I'm serious. I really had thought about it for a long time. And it took a long time to get the courage to get on the bus and come down.

There's a lot of Mexicans on the bus. And you know what's interesting? Because I don't know if we've made this quite clear on an episode before. But he has to take the bus, by the way. Can you guess why, Ari? Because he can't fit into a car with the suit on? I can't sit down. He can't sit down at all when he's wearing that.

Oh. And it'd be a big hassle to come down here and drive and all that shit. Once I get off the bus, I'm ready to go. And there's been some speculation that you're actually wearing Depends. No. So you just go right into your leg. How do you pee? I got an undersuit that's designed for sweating.

What about peeing? I take care of all that before I go. I drink water. I go to the bathroom. So I don't have to take care of it down here. Heck, yeah. A lot of flax and fiber. What happens if you have to pee again?

I don't have to. I'm not going to be drinking. When I go out, I'm good for four hours or so. His diet is rich in iron. All right, let's keep this fun train moving along. Your next comedian, everybody. Put your hands together for Tim Greer. Whoa, out of nowhere.

Just before he was about to get blacklisted. No, that's what we do to people when they don't show up for their spots. I wasn't talking about the blatant color of your skin. Tim Greer, everybody. Here he goes. How y'all doing? This is my friend, Tim Greer. I know Tim. Relax. So, I hate people that say stupid shit. Like YOLO.

Like, this is the thing. If y'all know what YOLO means, YOLO means you only live once. Who the fuck live twice? Like, seriously, like, people like hashtagging and Instagramming and Twittering and shit. Like, honestly, I wouldn't follow the person that live once. Like, I would try to follow somebody that live twice. You know? Like Jesus.

He lived, I mean, he died, he came back. That's somebody you would maybe want to hashtag, you know, Instagram. Or like women, women, the dumbest shit you ever say is you want your dream man. If you want your dream man, go to sleep. I'm just saying, like, you may actually meet him in your dreams or your nightmares. What else? You know, my daddy never let me play Mario or Zelda. He said he didn't want me saving hoes.

I never got that. I didn't get that. I thought it was fun, you know. I don't know. Is that about a minute? Yep. 59 seconds when you asked. Hell yeah.

That was good. Yeah. I like the Mario thing. I always wonder what YOLO meant. I never knew. Yeah. I've the Mario thing. I always wonder what YOLO meant. I never knew. Yeah. I've heard people saying that recently.

I didn't know what that was. You really didn't know what that is? No. Yeah, I didn't. I thought it was just a warning to let you know you're in a bad neighborhood. Yeah. What was the other thing you talked about? Oh, yeah. How did Jesus live twice?

That I'm confused about. He came back. Oh, yeah. Supposedly, allegedly. So he died and he came back. But then what happened when he came back? He was like gone immediately, right? He came back for like a few hours.

People were like, oh my god, there he is. What did he do? I don't know. I don't know the whole story. You don't know Christianity. You're challenging my Christianity. I'm non-denominational. You don't even know what he came back for. How long was he back for? Does anybody know? In this ultimate fiction of fictions?

No, three days later he came back. More people know how long Gandalf came back for than Jesus. How do you not know this, man? How do you not know Christianity, man? I went to a Catholic school for 12 years, and if it taught me one thing, it's how to block out their bullshit

that they're trying to drive into my ears. That or you're molested. He just forgot the whole 12 years or whatever it was. I wasn't molested there. Oh. I was molested by a sweater.

Hey. Kanye Wurst, why don't you settle down, all right? Trying to make jokes up here. Who do you think you are? You. What do you think?

Don the Magic Juan Rickles? Settle down with your roast jokes. What the fuck were we talking about? Oh, yeah, Jesus. I got it. I got it. He came back twice. He lived twice.

I guess so. He was taken into heaven to sit at the right hand of the Father. There you go. There's not only our head of security, but also our head of scientific fact. Serious thing. You said that you'd rather live after someone who lived twice, like Jesus. But then you said it again for some reason about following someone who lives twice. It was just unnecessary.

I was thinking maybe a Tupac hologram reference was coming. Oh, yeah, maybe. I'm going to use it. Thank you. Maybe something's there. Who else lives twice? Who else lives twice? Mario lives three times.

Oh, there you go. You got a call back there. Never got to play him. But there you go. You can still make a reference to it. Mario gets three lives. Yeah. And the most that we've ever known about was two.

So actually, even though it wasn't meant to be, those two things. There you go. Cats have nine lives. Mario cat would be tremendous. Holy shit. That's like 27 lives. 27 lives. That's like the turtle shell.

Yeah. Heck yeah. Wait, that's 99 lives. Speaking of Mario, how do you feel day after mushrooms? Tired. I can tell, man. You guys both seem like... I didn't sleep much.

You guys didn't want to drink my urine or something? Yeah, I'm super refreshed. I just didn't get the full amount of sleep in that I needed. The drive home was a doozy. You know how we do. Patriot, have you been sleeping well lately? I've been sober. How's your sleep?

I wouldn't mind some of those mushrooms, though. That must have been pretty good. Well, I mean, if you discovered the mysteries of the universe on my pot, I don't think you're ready for the mushrooms, buddy. I'll be going into a parallel universe. Oh, we can't have that. I need you back here on Mondays. Fuck yeah.

Tim Greer. What else did he talk about? Jesus, that. I think that's about it, right? Yeah, that was good, man. Tim Greer, everybody. There you go. Young Eddie Murphy-like charisma.

I think he also likes trannies. No, he does not. I know. Put your hands together for Robin Polk, everybody. Robin. Oh, look at this. It's a girl. Uh-oh. no he does not I know put your hands together for Robin Poke everybody Robin oh look at this it's a girl

uh oh hi I'm a divorcee woohoo that's a French word for happy thank you so I've decided

to start dating younger men because it takes them so much less time to tell their life story. Yeah. And I was terrified at the idea of online dating. And then I realized it's just shopping online for a man.

So every day can be Black Friday. Oh, nice. Wow. I know. And I actually met somebody online. Mike. I was really excited and after about a month he decided that we should

have a coffee date on Skype. Starting slow. So I had a cup of coffee. He had a cup of coffee. I was sitting at my desk and he was sitting in what looked like a bathroom. So I guess he has a laptop. Yay.

And everything was going really well until his mom came in to refill his coffee cup. Oh, I can't compete with that. I don't make coffee. Thank you. Nice. That's good. There you go. Robin Pogue.

I heard it. Go ahead. Started strong go. Robin Pogue. I heard it. Go ahead. It started strong with a couple quick jokes, then slowed down and got a little boring. That was too strong a word, but the start was really good. Yeah, I feel like you do a little bit too much of that thing where it's like, ooh.

That thing, you could tone that down because the more natural you seem, the better where it's like, that thing, you could tone that down because the more natural you seem, the better. That doesn't seem like anybody would talk like that. Right, Lainey? Lainey's shaking her head. She's seen it all. Got it. As a double-layer cougar hunter,

I admire your body. Yeah, you've got a great body. You have a really nice body. So I think you should do more of those kind of jokes. Because just looking at when you bring that up immediately, I just thought of fucking you the whole time. And that's a good place to be. Yeah, you won me over. Right, because then you went over all the guys in the room.

Yeah, and you could have your own podcast. The girls' votes. Maybe more stretching. That was pretty good. I was impressed by that. You came from the Trixie seat and you really outshone her. Yeah, you really did.

Heck yeah. You crushed Trixie and that was the competition in your age division. Yeah, you really did. Heck yeah. You crushed Trixie, and that was the competition in your age division. So tags or help? I would tag him. Yes. When you say we started off slow by Skyping, you could make a reference to your internet speed or the Wi-Fi in the room. Oh, that's fun.

And that was just his internet connection. We started off slow and there's something like that. Since you wanted to be like that. There you go. There's your fucking tag. No, I'm kidding. What else did you talk about?

I did. The first joke she talked about that she likes the younger guys because they don't talk about their life as long. That's a keeper. You made a noise. Yeah, you grunted. I thought you pooped yourself.

No. I wouldn't do that. That would be lack of respect. I would never do that. Yeah, you don't. Maybe just a little. I smell a date coming on. Would you ever date an Iron Patriot?

Yeah. Yes. I think we're Tony sparking some love in this room. You know what I'm saying? That sounds great. This could be the stark of something really good for the both of you.

The stark of something really good. Anyway. That was an excellent joke, Tony. It was weird when he was Skyping on the toilet. That got kind of weird. Yeah. Maybe there's a reference there for like a bidet. It got really weird when my bidet broke and went crazy all of a sudden.

He's Skyping on the toilet. It got really weird when his bidet broke and it looked like it was raining. I don't know. When you said like you're hoping he had a laptop, I get that's a joke, but what else would it mean? What else could he have besides a laptop? I think most people her age use the computers at libraries.

Right. Sorry. You're doing good. You're staying in the pocket. Stay strong. You're doing great. Yeah. I'm just kidding. sorry you're doing good you're staying in the pocket stay strong you're doing great yeah um yeah what's sexual tension on this stage now that's actually a great note by the way because

you don't about what else could it be you know what i mean it's just a laptop computer because it's true there are no more desktop computers. It's pretty much obsolete. It's a bathroom. What else? It's like the joke is I'm hoping it's not, you know, like you would think one thing but it's maybe not the other. They would only think one thing here. Right.

It would be a laptop. Yeah. Or how else would he Skype from the bathroom? Right. I think that was the joke. Yeah, but what else could it be? It couldn't be anything else. She couldn't be shitting.

She's glad that he's not pooping in his office. When you're on the toilet doing it, do you Skype from back to front or front to back? Okay, so maybe that's not a good joke. I'll drop that one. Well, maybe it is. I mean, what I just said got a laugh. You could always take that.

I mean, you'd have to deliver it with precision timing. I love you, Robin. I love your spirit. You have a great sense of humor. Put your hands together for Robin Polk, everybody. That's some good tags, by the way. You're acting like you didn't get anything. That's some good stuff there.

And you have some good jokes. I like the shorter story with the younger guys. The Black Friday thing. She made me nervous. Oh, some good stuff there. And you have some good jokes. I like the shorter story with the younger guys. The Black Friday thing. She made me nervous. Do you really hook up with black guys on a Friday? That was a good one. You do? What are you doing on Thursdays? Alright, anyway.

Put your hands together for your next comedian, Damian Spencer. That's also probably a comedian, Damian Spencer. That's also probably a girl. Damian Spencer. Blacklisted. Blacklisted. Do we have a blacklist noise? Absolutely.

That's it. That's the noise. Can you do it one more time? You're doing that with your mouth, right? Blacklist Alright, your next comedian Put your hands together for the one and only Abby Roberge, everybody It's Abby Roberge

Coming from the back door. He's getting paid minimum wage right now to check IDs. Here he is, Abby Robert. What's up? Our first ever Comedy Store employee that's getting paid while doing this show. Yeah. Here he is, everybody. One more time, Abby Robert.

Here he is. Yeah, so do a minute. All right. What's up, guys? I work here. I got to get a second job, though, man, because fuck, out of breath from that stairs. I got to get a second job, dude, because I fucking need money to cover my drinking habit, man. I drank all my grocery money because I fucking party and I'm not a nerd, you know?

So I've just been fucking scamming places all week, dude, because I still got four days until my payday, right? So, like, here's a scam. I know there's a lot of fucking broke comics here. Here's a scam you guys can do. I've done it so many times. I call it the 4011 plan because 4011 is the code for bulk bananas at any supermarket, right?

So what I do is I go to Ralph's. I load up my cart with a shitload of groceries, go to the self-checkout, ring up everything is bulk bananas, save 95% on my grocery bill, pay for it with my EBT card, and if I get caught, I'm not a trained cashier. You know?

You can't call the cops on me for being shitty at a job I don't even have. Abby's used to doing longer sets. I like her style. He finished it in a minute and seven seconds. He heard that kitty meowing and he said, I'm not done yet. That's a long joke. Ari, what do you think, buddy? I got distracted by people talking in the back Yeah I know

It was a loud order What did you get back there? Sliders I think I heard right? Yeah sliders From the back of the room There was a lot of set up to that joke I think you probably could chop that up a lot Because you're explaining like codes like 51, 41, whatever.

There's got to be a really good payoff if you're going to linger long that long. Yeah, you can get to the thing about just lowering your price and everything. We got quick somehow.

How quick? Maybe even like a one-liner. Yeah, you need a little something banging from the top. How does it start again? I drank all my grocery money. Oh, yeah, you drank all your grocery money, but you save money by ringing up everything as bananas.

Yeah. The punchline is you can't call the cops on me for being shitty at a job. I don't even have the... Right. Not a train cashier. That's good. If you would have got to that faster, or at least threw in a couple grenades in the middle of that.

Because the whole setup, I'm like, all right, I'm doing numbers in my head. I'm trying to figure out why bananas. The longer you go without a line, the more people one by one will tune out a little bit. And then once's kind of like wandered in their mind, then you're gone. I don't know if you need to say the code. I think you might just

be able to say, because I know the code for bananas. I bring everything in as bulk bananas. You don't have to worry about $95.90. One of the cheapest things there. You can really spell it out and then just get there. It's a good premise with a great payoff, but you just got to get there. And yeah, it's a good premise with a great payoff, but you just

got to get there or else everybody's daydreaming. I'm listening to some guy order sliders from the last row in the back of the room. Fuck. It's good, though. Abby Roberge. Abby Roberge.

Getting it out there. I like the joke. I like the punchline. Larry, you look like you're dying right now. I'm tired. I didn't get a chance to go back to sleep. I had to go to the doctor immediately. I've never seen anybody shave their head

and then also feel like they're going through chemotherapy at the same time. Wait, you went to a doctor? Yeah. What for? Oh, yeah, you did go to the doctor. What did we find out there? I heard your prescription for pills.

Nothing. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's not really the best code coming down from mushrooms the next day. You're probably like, dude, you look horrible. I know. You're notorious for having what a lot of people say is the grossest ball sack in show business. So, like, is this the same doctor that makes you turn your head and cough? No, different doctor.

It's interesting. When doctors do that to Ari, he has to turn their head and cough while the doctor turns his head and gags because he has elephantitis, everybody. Oh, you don't believe me? Ari, you want to? No. I've seen it. Thank you.

Iron Patriot, will you shoot that guy in the head for me, please? No, I'm kidding. All right. With another sound effect from the Iron Patriot. I'm impressed. I love that sound effect he did, too. I'm growing. I'm growing every day like a seedling in the wool.

Heck yeah, you are. Can you make a laser sound? Yep. All y'all make me lose my mind. Up in... All y'all make me act a fool. That's right. I love the way that you move.

It's so like... It's like you have no choice but to do some form of the robot. How much does that suit cost? So it's like you have no choice but to do some form of the robot. How much does a suit cost? $4,500 and $600 to ship from Norway. Wow. That's cool. I might get one.

Wow. I think we should all wear these one night and go out on the town. I agree. Heck yeah. Real pussy fest. That's going to get us. That sounds sarcastic. We're all going to get laid, right? We will.

Ari, do you have a problem when you get really big and you go into a store and you buy shit that you definitely shouldn't have bought or you just buy things? Oh, yeah, candy. I almost bought a Darth Vader outfit the other day at a comic book store because it was so badass. It was on this mannequin.

It was homemade by a guy that did FX work for movies and he just built this beautiful thing. I went to pay for it, but my credit card got declined because it was security for such a high amount. I think it was like $2,000 or something. I was like, oh, you know what? I'm going to go call the bank. I went outside, got in my car,

drove home. I was like, wait, why would I even buy that? That was so close to owning a... Why would I have that? There would be no reason. You're notorious for just buying shit you don't need. Well, you are too. I've seen your shit you've been giving away. That's over

10 years of accumulation. Yeah. You're a hoarder. You also... What you guys both have in common is that sometimes you'll buy things and you won't remember it when it gets delivered to your house. You bought Snuggies and things like that. And Red Band, for example, has Asian women that appear from Tokyo or whatever.

It's the best thing that ever happened to me. I haven't smoked cigarettes since. That's true. That's the most watched porn in California is Asian. Really? How do you know that? I saw that statistic on the internet. That's because Asians are better at computers. So they're on more.

Yeah. Looking at porn. Why do you think that they blur out Asian vaginas? It's only in Japan. Only Japanese? It's illegal to show penetration in Japan in porn. Wow. But you can have tentacles coming out of it What's the creepiest thing

You've jerked off to recently? Tell the truth Patriot Honesty is the best policy here Oh wow Oh wow I love you You're a real creep Do you like to masturbate on the feet

or do you just like the look of the feet and masturbate? I think everybody appreciates a beautiful woman's foot, don't you? With nice arch and nice... You don't want big old gnarly long toes with bunions, do you? That's what every foot fetish guy says. You don't want bunions.

But who has bunions? Not many. Nobody. What would be your perfect fantasy layout? Like, are you, like, using the woman's feet to, like, jerk yourself off? Are you sniffing? That's not the only thing. I mean, it's just the beautiful arch in the foot.

What do you like to do with that arch? Put it in your mouth? Put it in your butt? Chop it off. like to do with that arch? Put it in your mouth, put it in your butt. Chop it off. Chop it off. Oh my god. Let's move on because we only have, I think,

about 15 minutes. We have a bucket full of people. I already pulled out the next name. His name is Hormoz Rashidi, everybody. Here he is. What's up, guys? Thanks for having me. I love the Comedy Store. Everybody knows that. I actually

got to smoke a blunt with Suge Knight at the Comedy Store a couple weeks ago. Yeah. It was some bucket list shit. And while I was smoking it, I realized why Tupac Shakur had to die. He died to spare

me the agony of watching him turn into Ice Cube. It's like, I would kill myself if Tupac was in a Coors Light commercial. No, you guys are right. You guys are right. If Tupac was in a Coors Light commercial. No, you guys are right. You guys are right. If Tupac was alive, yeah. Yeah, you guys are right.

If Tupac was alive, he would be doing amazing things. On NCIS Atlanta, probably. I do love Tupac. My favorite line of his is, I ain't a killer, but don't push me. Revenge is like the sweetest joy next to getting pussy. Because that tells you that for Tupac, pussy was number one. But what it also tells you is that Tupac preferred revenge over blowjobs.

All right. You talking about Tupac. I mean, I just don't believe it even with the name drop at the beginning that you spent 20 seconds on it had nothing to do with the joke about Shug Knight that's a lot of Tupac how long has he been dead for now

30 years I mean look you're probably not going to listen to me because you probably think only God can judge you but but I think that's too much Tupac material. It's been a while, right? How long has it been? It's a minute.

It's only a minute. It's not that much material. It's not a flavor of everything he's got. It's a minute. I like the NCIS part, but that was, you know. I have to agree with him about the Ice Cube thing. I mean, watching Ice Cube right now. But you can, you know, that. And I have to agree with him about the Ice Cube thing. Like, I mean, watching Ice Cube right now. Maybe.

But you can start right off the bat. Like, I'm glad Tupac's dead so I don't have to see him turn into Ice Cube. Right. Yeah. Why'd you do that whole story about why we even shook night for 20 seconds? Because it's like. Yeah. I don't know.

You're trying to find a way in on something and you don't need to find a way in on it. Yeah. A lot of new comics do that. They're like, I need to segue into it, but just fucking say it. Right. Okay. Yeah, you feel weird saying it. What is that? You feel weird just doing the bit right away? Yeah. I just thought the Suge Knight thing was a good way to segue

into it, but I guess I don't need it. You're painting a picture. Yeah. Of black people for us. Yeah. Like we don't know who Tupac is. Yeah, and it's really hard to take it from you because you seem like a nerdy white guy So you're talking about Ice Cube and Tupac And we're like what the fuck do you know about Ice Cube and Tupac

But meanwhile you know He has a Michael Jackson shirt on too He must know a lot Yeah it just goes to show how hardcore of a gangster Hormoz Rashidi is Bug life Wearing a Pedophile on your shirt.

Do you have a starter Raiders jacket? I don't. Maybe get one. No. No. Heck yeah. That'd be some thug shit. I've noticed that your thumb's been broken for a few months now. I'm waiting on Obamacare

to schedule my surgery. Wow. Is that real? Yeah, they're going to take a tendon from my middle finger and put it on my thumb oh they gotta schedule the surgery will you still be able to give people the finger the middle finger i got this hand but maybe not the other i don't know hopefully it goes okay because the thumb's so much more important than the middle finger that they're like fuck it well. Well, and they're like, both can be okay if everything works out okay. But it's surgery, so there's a risk. Wow.

Yeah. Of death? Unless I die from the medicine they give me to put me to sleep, probably not death. Yeah. But there's always a risk, they say. That's how Kanye West's mom died. Yeah. Plastic surgery.

Yeah. Going on her too much. Is your mom dead? No, she's alive and well. Cool, man. Is that how you broke your thumb? I broke it actually playing basketball. I thought I jammed it.

Oh, basketball. Now your street cred's getting up a little bit. Yeah, see I played basketball with the guys Maybe that could be your way in Like, I play basketball sometimes Anyway, you know what bothers me about Ice Cube and Tupac? Yeah

People will be like, oh, it's cool, he plays basketball What should I start with that? Tupac above the rim, was that Tupac? Yeah He was the guy who owned the team Yeah, good movie He used to beat up homelessormoz guys, though. Great soundtrack, too.

Well, we give you one thumb up, Hormoz. Good job. Hormoz Rashidi. We're flying through him. We're flying. We're doing it. We're crushing it. Patriot, what's your report on Hormoz? I know he's Middle Eastern, so he must raise your radar levels a bit, right?

I'm on the watch for it. Don't worry. Very good. Hell yeah. When he says he's on the watch for it, that means he's also staring at your feet, Hormoz, so be careful. Zane Helberg.

Here he is. His Kill Tony debut, I do believe. Hello. Hello. All right. My younger brother just had his first kid this week. I'm sorry, don't applaud. He also just quit his job as a busboy, which I think is the first step at becoming a father.

I went to Baby's R Us with him, and they're already spoiling the kid. They got him a transitional bottle. Do you know what that is? No, you don't. It's crazy. It's a bottle that transitions a baby from the breast to the bottle. I don't know.

When I was a baby, I transitioned right from the breast to the garden hose. Like, listen, boy, you're home. Now you start pulling weeds. You get thirsty. You suck on the hose. Me and your mom will be inside watching the prices, right? You enjoy your lower middle class lifestyle. All I heard all week when I was with him was,

well, we're about to have a baby. We're about to have a baby. He's like, no, you're about to have a person. I think it's going to be a baby for like three seconds. Then it's going to just start lying straight to your face. It's going to steal from your purse. It's going to talk a baby for like three seconds. Then it's going to just start lying straight to your face. It's going to steal from your purse. It's going to talk shit about you to his friends. It's going to just leave.

Sounds like an abusive relationship. Zane Helberg. I love that premise, man. I love the premise of the transitional nipple. I want to buy one of these. That's a better joke, though. It goes to a different place when you talk about sucking out of the garden hose for a couple reasons. One, we feel bad for you, and our tensions are built seeing where you're going with that joke.

Two, you would drink from the garden hose after the bottle, technically. You still need milk after the nipple. So it would be... Even though I'm slightly being nitpicky, it's still contradictory, and people do pick up on that. So I think it would need a complete switch. Yeah, I think it was going to be soft,

like a boob or something. Yeah, I thought you were going to go into boob to bottle and then somehow making a joke about going back to the boob. You threw me out. When you said hose, I was like was like oh you went there yeah right like some kind of like maybe like fleshlight boob yeah or something because i'm really wanting to get one of these bottles that start off looking like a boob and feeling like a boob because that's cool everybody would be drinking out of those bottles right you just see athletes at halftime and playing sports just

fucking squirting it in their mouth. Regular water, that's how they drink it. Oh yeah. Just making out with it, just squirting it. It might even bring milk back into the sports scene again. You know, just athletes, just, oh I'm hot, just spraying it all over themselves.

But there's definitely something there. I wish we had better tags for these people. Mine's just not working very well. I think you're doing great. Thanks. All right. Thanks a lot, man.

I don't have any tags for anybody. St. Helbert. Oh, my goodness. Hell, yeah. It's fucking. Do you want any latex pants? I think so. Disco pants.

Disco pants. Okay. That's Sarah Mostajabi. She always closes out the show in a new segment called Sarah's New 30 Seconds. She was the first female to do the show, and we invited her back to be a regular to close out the shows.

Oh, nice. So basically, her first spot was here, basically. So we've been building this comedian. She's your Abravaia. Yeah, we've been building her in this lab. She gets really nervous

when she's on stage and there isn't an Iron Patriot next to her. She's like, all right, anyway. Adelston Fitzgerald Holder first. This guy brings

his own stamp. It's called Let's Dream. his own stamp. An actual stamp. And now he can stamp himself on the motherfucking blacklist. Adelston Fitzgerald Holder the first. You are now blacklisted. All right. Adelston Fitzgerald Holder I, you are now blacklisted. That's you. All right.

You need to sign up for this list. You need to be here. No, we're having a sound effect. That's right. Yeah, you're supposed to make the sound effect, Patriot. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Adelston Fitzgerald Holder I, you can stamp yourself on the blacklist.

you can stamp yourself on the blacklist. Oh, he turned into a coyote at one point there. What the fuck was that? It was so worth it, man. At first I didn't think it was going to be worth it, but that was. Great. I love it. I almost hope more people get blacklisted.

Oh, I'm so excited about this young lady. One of my favorite rising young comedy talents. Put your hands together for the lovely Dana Moon. Dana Moon. There was a super moon last night and now there's a super moon in front of us. It's Dana Moon. What's up? Everyone just crushing up here or what? Somebody asked me if I was mixed today. I'm like, my mom's white

and my dad was an abusive alcoholic, so this is what comes out. This is what you get. I was just recently in Connecticut, and let me just tell you, I am amazed with how much money people spend on their lawns. Like, you know how people in LA spend a lot of money, like pimping out their cars. Yeah. My stepdad spends all his money pimping out his yard like his yard is so pimped out he has spinning rims on his mailbox

like he cuts his grass in a fade he has fertilizer that hasn't even come out yet like he's not he's not messing around he bought it from the one neighborhood black guy because there's only one black guy in our neighborhood. He's like, yeah, if you want to get your grass looking green, you got to get it looking meat. He's rapping. That's a rap. And then he goes into a rap. You do a rap after that?

Yeah. Oh, my God. You sing a rap song? No, no, no. It's like a bad. It's a bad rapper. Oh. He's like, yeah, you want that dirt?

You got to get that. And it's like, buy my shit on iTunes. And it's like, he's advertising to nobody like the black guy's just like I like that I see where you're going you see where I'm going it's a new

I did my new bits cause I want some yeah that's the way to do it tags you know what I mean fuck yeah that's the way to do it man this shit's creepy I like the

I like the first thing it sort of doesn't have it sort of doesn't make sense. There's no joke there. This is what comes out. Right. Yeah, you're missing the punchline in that first joke. Luckily, I think there might be something in the fact that somebody asks you if they're mixed.

You talk about how your dad – you say your dad's an alcoholic. I'm not mixed, but my dad's favorite drinks were like something like that like mixed drinks something about somebody asking you if you're mixed no but my dad's drinks were because he's an alcoholic get it everybody maybe it won't work can I say rest in peace oh is your dad dead

yeah and I want to I have a bit about it and it's not working but in two years it will kill I think it's not working but in two years it will kill i think it's hard to talk about death but it's like you want to joke about it i love talking about death it's one of my favorite topics um there's funny stuff there i mean i don't know it's dark yeah uh how long ago did your dad die 10 11, 11 years ago. Oh, wow. Oh, cool. Yeah. Did he die inside of you? He... I don't know how to respond to that.

I don't... Yes, he did. How did he die, just out of curiosity in a car accident oh wow drinking and driving one person accident yeah that's where uh that's one of the bits that kind of that kind of works yeah that i do i say well people get weird when i talk about my dad dying on stage, but I just want to let you guys know it's okay. Because he died doing what he loved. And that was drinking. And driving. And then that one gets a laugh.

You want a tag for that? Luckily, that wasn't the only accident that he had. Because that's why. That would be why. Boom. I'm the accident? Yeah, I would just stick with it. Just trust me.

How was he abusive? How was he abusive? That's a great question. The Patriot is the Barbara Walters of this. He's not happy until he sees human tears. He uses that as lubrication for his joints. This can't be comfortable. Oh, okay.

How did he abuse you? What was he, verbally, physically? Not really, like, yeah, like verbally, like only when he was like drinking.

And more towards like my mom. Oh, yeah, that's a tough one to say. Was he like, this is third, not shaken! He was a closet drinker.

So he would literally, he hid, he hid his booze in the closet. In the laundry room, and he would go drink in there and then come out. So his last name was Moon, too, right? Was his name Blue Moon? No, because he liked drinking? Sorry, people. I don't know. My dad's smiling down from heaven right now about all this talk. I'm so proud of you, I hear't know. My dad's smiling down from heaven right now

about all this talk. I'm so proud of you. I hear the words. Well, he's probably not in heaven because he was a bad, bad human being. Yeah, he's actually looking up your shorts. He was a... Oh!

I think the telephone pole that he killed might be looking down from heaven right now. the telephone pole that he killed might be looking down from heaven right now. Guys, welcome to the roast of my father. Rest in peace, Dad. I love it. Dana, you're so cool. You're so much fun. I hope you take

at least something from this. I love your new jokes. I think your premises are great. I would definitely talk more about your dead dad. You have a huge edge. You have something that makes you different. You really lucked out that way. I just got to get used to the silence when I do it. Because if there's a lot of silence, it's hit or miss.

50-50 with those jokes. Right. But I like the accent. I'll use that tag for sure. Perfect. And maybe something about the mix thing. I don't know you'll figure it out alright thank you follow me on twitter I'm on a vine

aww there you go how adorable aww there she goes Iron Patriot what was your report on Dana Moon what did you think hell yeah what did you think? She's got some skills there. Hell yeah.

What did you think about her feet? She's wearing sandals. I'd have to see them naked. Wow. You mind taking off a shoe and showing the Patriot? Is that too much? Wait. They're just cute feet.

They're my feet? Yeah. They're flat and they're big. They're not attractive. Do they have bunions? You got a cute face though Show the Patriot get him under the light If you don't mind You're so great for doing this by the way

Oh yeah look at his lights just got brighter And she doesn't have that retarded little toe They're painted nice and pink though I mean Creepy I mean her toe is not special needs. The Patriot just came for the troops, I do believe. Okay, perfect.

All right, people. I'm reaching in deep. Get what good one. Brian Christopher. Lucky Brian Christopher. Lucky Brian Christopher. See here? Oh, well then, guess what, Brian Christopher? You're on the blacklist.

Yes. Yes. Oh, let's just fill up this blacklist line right now. Oh, how exciting. This person's here. It's Amy Hawthorne. Boom. Comedy store icon.

I'm joined by blacklist people. Every time. That's how I get up. Hell yeah. All right. So I've been thinking a lot lately about colonial porn. No, you know they had it. Because porn has been the major force

behind every piece of technology we've ever had. The internet, VHS, Brazilian waxes. Like, why not the printing press? And you're not making money off leaflets inviting people to a tea party, you know? And you'd think because colonial people were like very prudy, it would be really uptight porn.

Like, oh, and then he glimpsed her ankle as she left her monthly bathing. But their society was kind of fucked up and kinky to begin with. Like, first of all, everyone's riding around with horses, so everyone's got whips and chains back at their house. And if you're really into bondage, that's what they did

for punishment in the public square on Tuesday. And if you like that weird, like, food thing, they threw food at them too. And the greatest love story of the era was Pocahontas, which is interracial and underage. So you gotta think somewhere in there was

Two Girls, One Musket. Sorry, fuck that up. It's much better if you say it right. Two Girls, One Musket's a funny punchline. That's good, yeah. Colonial porn. Fuck yeah. There's a lot you can do with that.

Yeah, I've actually got a good four minutes on it. Wow. Fuck yeah. Somehow that's more relevant than Tupac coming from Hormo's or Sheedy. I do look like the kind of person who's sitting there like, ah, bondage. What were they doing

in colonial times? I love it. Churn my butter. Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. There's something in, what's that, Witch,

what was that? Witch, Salem Witch Trials. Salem Witch Trials. Oh, the Crucible. You know they would have been good in bed, right? Those crazy bitches.

How so? Well, have you ever had a broomstick stuck up your ass? A couple times. Yeah. There you go. Yeah, you're right. Then you know. I do know. Colonial porn. Wow, that's really one that I haven't thought of since I was in a different

physical body in the 1700s. Colonial porn. Did they do that? Is that a thing? They must have because what got me thinking of it is I actually saw cave paintings of an orgy. And then I forget what got colonial time into my brain in the meantime, but it was basically like there's been porn forever. Any era, just think of the porn of that era.

Yeah. Yeah. Son of a bitch. of the porn of that era. Yeah. Yeah. Pterodactyl porn. That's not too sexy. You know what? That could be something interesting. Like going through whole different areas. Jurassic porn. Colonial porn.

Medieval porn. Somebody's got a fantasy they want to hear more about. I'll come back with another minute on medieval porn for there you go somebody's got a fantasy they want to hear more about I'll come back with another minute on medieval porn for you next week you got it

that would be a good restaurant to go to medieval porn totally yeah right yeah enough with the

jousting already that could be their slogan welcome to medieval porn we don't do turkey legs we do fucking we fuck them Welcome to medieval porn. We don't do turkey legs. We do fucking. We fuck them. Well, what was in that old fiction?

He said, I'm going to go medieval on you. Yeah. I'm going to go medieval on your ass. Oh. 1994. Meow. Yeah, colonial porn's a tough one. Yeah, but it seems like there's a lot there. It's a great premise. Yeah, it just has some references in there. Yeah, colonial porn's a tough one. Yeah, but it seems like there's a lot there.

It's a great premise. Yeah, you just get some references in there. Colonial references and just atoms of porn. Yeah. Josh, will you go get our regular closer, please? Oh, she was just right there. Yeah, I know. She went downstairs.

I walked her. I'm sorry. Oh, come on. She went downstairs. I walked her. I'm sorry. Oh, come on. Colonial, yes. Amy, I'm looking forward to seeing an updated version of Colonial Porn. I wish I could help out right now, but I'm still coming down for mushrooms, to be honest. Maybe something with marbles or look at the toys

back then. Because back then, their biggest toy was a marble. Marbles over your butt. Look at what they have. Like go to the Huntington House or whatever the fuck that's called over there. Huntington House. Yeah.

Huntington Gardens. Huntington Gardens. Never mind. I don't know what I'm talking about. Do some research on that because there's a lot to do with there.

Oh, and that just reminded me too because we have totally different colonial stuff on the East Coast that we had to go to for class trips and that could get weird.

Colonial Williamsburg. Yeah, Williamsburg. Yeah. You could, yeah, Blacksmith. Yeah, Williamsburg. Yeah. You could, yeah. Blacksmith. Yeah, maybe you could talk about how the tours would be different

if they actually showed the real colonial porn to the kids. Maybe some titles of colonial porn like John Hancock and Balls or The Declaration of In Your Asshole. Maybe Another Night in TJ with Thomas Jefferson. Amy Hawthorne, everybody. There she goes. Comedy store

icon. Former roommate of mine. Great human being. Getting lucky. The last name pulled. For all the comics who didn't get up tonight, come back again soon. Don't give up. Keep rocking and rolling. For those of you that did, awesome. Thank you. It's now that part of the

show where we go with the person who is a regular on this show, a comedian built and bred in this room, in this show. Put your hands together for the one and only Sarah Mostajabi, everybody. Here she is. Now I'm sweating. Put your hands together for the one and only Sarah Mostajabi, everybody. Here she is. Man, blacklisted. Blacklisted.

Whoa. That's the end of the era of Sarah Mostajabi. We watched her start here and you watch her end here. That is so sad Ari where can people find you

You can find me online I have a podcast Skeptic Tank AriShafir.com His special is available right now on Chill.com Or my website I'm happy I got to do a new episode of the Skeptic Tank Today I believe it's my third or fourth

It's already out. Holy shit. A fucking three-hour turnover, this guy. You're unbelievable. Unlike Death Squad. Iron Comic, is that where we can find you on Twitter? Comic Patriot on Twitter. Thank you

very much, Iron. You got anything going on? I'm really excited about guess what? Toronto, Iron. You got anything going on? I'm really excited about guess what? Toronto, Canada. Fourth show just got added. Red Band and I sold out three fucking nights in Toronto. We're adding a second show Friday night Toronto.

We're coming for you. The kitty clock is ticking and you're next, motherfuckers. That's right. So go to DeathSquad.TV for all the tour dates. Don't forget this show is on every Monday at 8 o'clock here at the Comedy Store, followed by the Ding Dong Show. Guys, thank you very much for coming out.

Thank you. ... ... ... ...