KILL TONY - KILL TONY #400

Episode Date: October 17, 2019

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 10/16/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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19-plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. We also have a bunch of new tour dates. We're going to be in Sacramento and we have two shows, October 16th and 17th. They might be sold out. Then we're followed by Kill Tony Mania 2 in San Francisco, October 18th and 19th. And that's four different shows. That's a lot of shows. Most of them are

almost sold out. So you better get your tickets quick. Then we're off to Australia, October 25th. We're going to be in Bisbon, Australia. October 26th, we're in Melbourne. October 27th, we're in Sydney, Australia. And then we're going to Washington, D.C., November 7th. And that's sold out, so we added a second show, and that's almost sold out. So if you live in Washington, D.C., there's your chance to get tickets. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates for all the ticket links

and information. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own stand-up tickets for sale. He's got some merch. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. RyanJEbelt.com. That's the house artist. He has a new book. Check out

RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, shop squad dot TV. There you have all the official Death Squad universe merchandise and a new Kill Tony shirt is going to be added very, very soon. So keep your eyes out for shop squad dot TV.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Revan coming to you live from Sacramento. Punchline for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get over, Tony Hinchcliffe. Sacramento, we're live right now. You got to make more noise than that. Sacramento, again, I don't think you understand. This is episode 400 of Kill Tony.

Here in Sacramento. The great Brian Redman is here, everybody. Hey, guys. Redman is here. How do people get on this stage tonight? That way? This way? There's a, right here, there's some stairs.

There's a stairway right there. That's the only way to do it. Do not take the way that I took at all. Don't do it. We have one too many chairs up here. Oh, yeah. You know what? It's all good.

I'm as cozy as can be. How about another hand for a Brian Red Band? We're here. We're alive. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. This is Kill Tony. Episode, believe it or not, four zero zero. We double checked.

We have more podcast episodes than any other live podcast in the world. We fucking double-checked it today since we were on a goddamn six-hour road trip. And you know what? We made a deal in honor of episode

400 being here in Sacramento. We're all smoking meth after the show together. Let's fucking go, baby. Since we're in our home state of California, how about you make some noise for our usual house artists. The great Ryan J. Ebelt is here.

We all packed into a fucking nice little van today. I'm excited to be here. How many of you were here last time we did a Kill Tony in Sacramento? I don't think we've ever done a Kill Tony in Sacramento. Somebody told me that we have.

I don't remember it. Have we ever done one here before? This is the first one. Episode 400. Oh, we did? Okie dokie. Super memorable. Anyway, it's good to be here. Good to be back. I'm excited. This is going to be a fucking lot of fun,

so let's just jump right into it, shall we? No reason to wait. No reason to pity paddle around. As with all of our road episodes, we're going guestless tonight. Congratulations to you. You get the meat and potatoes of the goddamn show. No distractions.

Nobody fucking, none of these old comics trying to fit in and fucking come on, Tony. Let me do the podcast. I have stuff to promote. I want to fucking bomb and say stuff that's unnecessary during the show to try to fit in with you guys. No, you're just getting the fucking thunder and lightning tonight. Is that okay with you guys? So let's just jump right into it. I don't know if you guys know this or not, but there

is a band on this show. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. Tonight, they were getting ready in the employee break room while we had the green room. And so let's all find out what they are together. They're the funniest

people I know. The people that literally crack me up and push me to be even funnier than I already think I am. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins. Joel Bird, Joel Jimenez. And here in Sacramento, Chroma Chris. Wow.

The entire band? That doesn't happen on the road. We don't take the entire band? That doesn't happen on the road. We don't take the entire band with us, but they're here tonight. Sacramento! Whoa, look at this. Oh my God, is that a beer? Is that a beer bar?

Whoa! a beer? Is that a beer bar? Whoa! I think I know what they are. These are college frat boys for sure, everybody. How exciting is this? Come on,

make some fucking noise, everyone. Wow, all right., wow. All right. Good Lord. Good thing those two people didn't show up in that seat right there. Welcome to the show. You've been on this show before. Remind me of your name, band leader. What's up?

Curtis, star quarterback. Curtis, star quarterback. Could have gone pro, but I got my girlfriend pregnant. You guys in high school or college? Man, shut up. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. You've been on this show a couple times before.

Every time you're on, your hairline moves forward. I've never seen anything like it before. What the fuck's up with that, Curtis? Forhims.com, use promo code KILLTONY. Hey, you're damn right, baby. Use that promo code KILLTONY every goddamn day. Speaking of powerful hairlines, the great Chroma Chris is here, everybody. Chroma, what's your name tonight?

Name's Cody. I just bought him that beer, and I got science class in the morning. I don't give a fuck. Name's Cody. I just bought him that beer, and I got science class in the morning. I don't give a fuck. And then clearly back here,

we have what appears to be the Mexican Munster. Perhaps a lesbian. ForHers.com. Use promo code KILLTONY. What the fuck? What's your name? My name's Brett. I'm the water boy, and I'll fuck your girlfriend, dude.

Fuck! What's your name? My name's Brett. I'm the water boy, and I'll fuck your girlfriend, dude. Wow. Mrs. Steal-Yo-Man or something like that. Okay, Brett. We have Brett, Cody, Curtis.

You guys in high school? What do you think, bitch? I don't know. I don't have an answer. I can't remember. All right. Do you say so? I have no idea what's going on.

I'm glad you guys are here. Those are real Letterman jackets. You guys are going to be playing music and hanging out, meeting people with us throughout the night. And since we're going guestless, I guess that just brings me to this bad motherfucker right here. This is the first time. Another fun fact, this show's filled with them. This is the first time the actual bucket of destiny from Los Angeles has made it

on the road ever. We don't ever take it out of the main room of the comedy store. We've all been doing the punchline in Sacramento for a very long time. It's been 12 years for me. You'd think I'd have one of the big headshots by now, but clearly no. Lots of

diversity here, obviously. Asians, blacks, Mexicans. Yeah. A lot of good stuff. Where's the white people at? There's no white people anymore. We're the bad guys now, Brian, don't you know? Aw, man.

So, yeah, you guys know how it works. A bunch of people signed up before the show. It's a pretty hearty bucket tonight. If I pull your name out of the bucket, that means you get 60 seconds uninterrupted to try to do stand-up comedy or something entertaining. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the

sound of a kitten. Oh, fuck. That's the one thing I forgot to do. And then you wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry Faistons Bear, everybody. I heard Faistins, even though that definitely isn't a word. What is it? Faistings? Faces, yes.

That fucking crazy Sacramento faces super gay bear is the point. So yeah. So let's just jump right into it, right? So you guys ready to do this shit? We're live. Everything's happening. We're here. Sacramento.

All right. Let's just get right into it then. I saw some familiar faces out there in the audience. Fucking. I'm excited about this. You guys excited? Yeah. Feels good in here.

They told us that I just found out tonight that this show, specifically this one, sold out in less than 24 hours. Really? I did not know that. Wow. So thank you, guys. I don't know if that's true. By the applause, it seems like you guys probably got it a couple days ago.

But they must just tell people that, that they don't give big headshots to to make them feel better about how at home they are in the club. Let's get the show started. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight. Probably the hardest spot of the show, kicking it off like this.

Put your hands together for Nick Estrada, ladies and gentlemen. And here we go. It has begun. gentlemen. And here we go. It has begun. Come on, one more time for Nick Estrada, ladies and gentlemen.

Alright. Hello, my name is Nick. Walking in, I've never heard more fucking mattress talk in my life until I was just out of high school getting my first mattress. Everyone is apparently all up to date on the brands and sizes and shit. That was interesting. Other than that, who else has brothers out here?

Anyone? Alright, well then you guys must know about brother camaraderie because I had a lot of that when I was younger. We didn't like our parents at some times as most people do. Yeah, I bet no one's ever taken turns pissing into a squirt bottle

to spray all over their mattress and pillows at night. Yeah, that's going to teach them next time they go out to dinner and watch a movie without us. All right. I'm out of time. Is that it? Yeah.

There you go. Nick Estrada, everybody. Didn't really think about a closing line there, huh? Didn't really think about an opening one either, did you, Nick? No, no, no. I like your style. Is this your first time doing stand-up? First time doing stand-up, first comedy show, so.

Wow. Jesus, first everything for you. My God, you're going to. I got picked first, like. Oh, my God, everything's first. You may fucking lose your virginity tonight, too. You keep this shit up. I'm going to guess first generation in America also.

Yeah. How old are you? I am 26, believe it or not. 26? I believe that. Why wouldn't I believe that? Why did you say believe it or not there? I actually have to grow out the facial hair in order to not be 16 to 18 years old in most people's eyes.

No, you don't see it? Yeah. Maybe it's life getting to me finally. Yeah. I don't know. I just see, you know, I have a special eye for facial hair. That looks like a full Duck Dynasty beard to me. You i don't know i just i just see you know with my i have a special eye for facial hair that looks like a full duck dynasty beard to me you know what i mean i just think that any hair is a massive amount of hair as you could tell by my facial hair uh so nick let's talk about

it what made you want to start this first comedy show you've ever been to yeah and i've just been i started watching you guys i want to say about two years ago and ever since then I've just been, I started watching you guys, I want to say, about two years ago. And ever since then, I've just been watching it daily. Obviously not thinking of great jokes in those two years. It's crazy that you watch it daily because it only comes out once a week. Yeah, sorry. Every Monday night. And, you know, I try to get anyone I can into it because I love you guys.

In the weirdest way possible. All right. So what's your tattoo, Mitty? It looks like you have a Down syndrome monkey with a bird on it. Monkey on a branch with a bird? Yes. What does that symbolize to you? It's just, you know, white girls can call it your spirit animal,

but it's just something that I love, you know. I'm big into apes and, you know, how we evolved from apes and stuff like that. Apes? Apes I love. I'm big into apes and how we evolved from apes and stuff like that. Apes? Apes. You're big into apes. Only in Sacramento there would be people evolving from apes. What do you mean you're big into apes? What does that mean exactly? Don't fuck them. Baking soda.

I saw the look in your eyes. Bro, this guy definitely has sex with apes man Yeah for sure One in the ape two in the gape You know what I'm saying Nick Let's fucking go buddy One in the monkey two in the chunky So Nick

Let's fucking Let's talk about this What have you been doing with your life this whole time You're 26 years old You fucking sort of giggle after everything you say. Yeah, I like funny shit. I was a chef for about seven years, and I just recently started working for Amazon. You just started working for Amazon?

Yeah, Amazon. Wow, your deliveries suck today. My goodness. Wow, what do you do for Amazon? I'm a delivery driver right now. Oh, you're goddamn. My goodness. Wow, what do you do for Amazon? I'm a delivery driver right now. You're goddamn right you are. Here's your package. Wow.

So Nick, what else do you do in your life? You live here in Sacramento? What part of town? No, I just moved over to Modesto area. Ooh, Modesto. Modesto. That's a fucking massive shithole. I know about Modesto. That's a fucking massive shithole. I know about Modesto. I had once do a gig in Modesto, one of my least favorite gigs ever.

I was opening for Sam Tripoli, one of my first ever road gigs. I don't think I've ever told this story, but I probably have. But anyway, I was opening for Sam Tripoli and I was so nervous I was so excited it was such a big deal to me to get to open for Sam Tripoli I knew that if this went well I would get to open for Sam Tripoli again and get better and have more opportunities so he's like yo dude bro we're going to Modesto dude get ready Tuesday I'm gonna pick you up whatever so it's like a four or five hour drive to Modesto. And I'm nervous the entire time.

And I don't want to be annoying. I'm always like, I'm much more quiet than you think I'd be on the road. So I'm just sort of quiet. I'm like, and at one point I try and think like, oh, this is a good time to make conversation. And I go, so is this gig that we're going to in Modesto, is there anything special to it? And he goes, yeah, bro, it's a, it's a, it's sure. It's a convention for 7-Eleven owners from all around the world.

And I'm like, ha ha. And I just laugh it off because I think he's kidding. So the remaining three hours of this trip, I don't write anything about 7-Eleven owners. I don't think about it at all. Turns out it was truly 7-Eleven owners from around the world, and I bombed harder than you can ever imagine.

It was a five-minute long set. They said that I had to be clean, and during the entire five minutes, you could only hear one thing, and that was from the back of the room, and it sounded like... And it was Sam Tripoli recording me on a flip phone. Do you remember your material,

like what you did in those five minutes? I remember literally just dying. I mean, it was just horrible. I had no clean... I still don't have five minutes of clean material. It's ridiculous. But no, I just died. I did a couple of really bad jokes.

Plus, it was round tables. I'll never forget. The microphone was connected to the podium. So you're just standing at a podium like it's a comedy central roast or something and they were there was a dance floor in between the stage and the entire venue and then everybody behind that was at round tables and they just served dinner and nobody gave a fuck about comedy it's literally the worst gig you can like if you made if you created it in the sims like worst comedy gig ever this is what it would be like 7-Eleven owners round tables

80 feet away just got served dinner 7-Eleven owners okay that was my favorite vagina monologue I've ever heard very good thank you thank you thank you Curtis it always hurts every goddamn time

so Nick enough about my worst time on stage. Let's get back to yours, all right? So tell us something more about you. What's interesting about you, dude? You're in Modesto working for Amazon, but what's the real you? You know what I'm talking about? You have any fun hobbies or anything like that?

I mean... You have a girlfriend? No, no, no. Why not, dude? Why not? You took her. You took her, bro. Yeah, I did.

Remember? Come on, man. Fucking Rachel. So what is the reason for that? When was your last relationship? Oh, it was a while ago. That's the girl that broke my heart, you know? Yeah, what the fuck's a while to you, Nick?

It's three years now. Three years ago. She broke my heart, you know? Yeah, what the fuck's a while to you, Nick? It's three years now. Three years ago. She broke your heart? Yeah. How'd she do that? She cheated on you? No, she decided to move all the way to Wisconsin, so. Oh, why'd she move to Wisconsin?

Because she didn't want to get a job to live with me and support herself, so. Wow, you really showed her. Yeah, I stuck it out. You want to move to Wisconsin? Well, I'm going to move to Modesto. See you on Facebook, bitch. You think you can out-shitty move me? Hell yeah.

There you go. Going to the middle of the barren fucking desert. Wow. So she moved to Wisconsin. Yeah. But why Wisconsin? That's where her parents live. No, that's where they were moving and she was like

I'm going with them is she your age? yeah just like a couple months younger let me promise you this if she moved from California to Wisconsin I guarantee you she's fucking fat right now she's covered in body

she's covered in just body acne this is what they eat it's what they consume it's soda, it's deep fried shit She's covered in body. She's covered in just body acne. Right. This is what they eat. It's what they consume. It's soda. It's deep fried shit. It is. Yes.

All right. So maybe I'm wrong, though. If you have you kept tabs on her. I used to live there and that is what it is. Right. I lived there for two years and I said, no, hell no. I'm not moving over there with you. Right. That was on the plate.

You know, she's like, come with me. And I was like, that and everything else. Alright, Nick. So there's nothing else interesting about you? Like any fun facts? Your parents have the record for most miles swam to become a US citizen or something like that? No, no, no, no.

I actually have a white mom and a Hispanic father. So it's a typical mix-up. Wow. Where'd they meet? Do you know? They actually met online years ago. Before, it was like the eHarmony days where you had to log on online. Jesus.

No apps or nothing like that. Wow. They were on fucking AOL or something like that? Yeah, something like that. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, Nick, you're You've got mail. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, Nick, you're about as exciting as a goddamn bottomless. Nervous, but, you know.

All right, very good. Just talk over jokes. Good stuff, Nick. You killed it up here tonight, and by killed it, I mean the energy in the room. But you know what? Like I said, it's not an easy spot. It's your first time, dude. It'll never get harder than this.

All right. There you go. Nick Estrada, everybody. Boom. Alright, that's one way to get the party started. It's sometimes good to ease into the show, you know what I mean? It doesn't always have to be fucking

fireworks from the get. That's not how they do it on July 4th. One more time for Nick Estrada, everybody. Before he kills himself, or worse yet, moves to Wisconsin. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Drew Absher. Drew Absher. Wow, he's got a big applause there.

Here we go. School's out for summer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. School's out for... Here he is, everybody. Drew Absher. How's it going, Punchline? I don't like people my age.

People my age change the definitions of words all the time. I don't know if you ever noticed that. We changed the definition of the word addiction. My friend said that he was trying to quit drinking coffee because he was addicted to it. I was like, that's not a real addiction, man. Nobody is stealing car stereos to buy green tea. You know what I mean?

It's not a real addiction if you're, in order to get your fix, the instructions are add hot water. You know what I mean? Like, my mom was a drug addict. I'm not saying that to get your guys' pity. I'm just saying that to, like, my life would be a lot different if she just needed a caramel macchiato every morning.

You know what I mean? I'd be in college not doing stand-up comedy. morning. You know what I mean? I'd be in college not doing stand-up comedy. That same friend, he told me that he was addicted to video games. And I'm like, dude, do you realize how fucking disrespectful that is?

Go to a 12-step meeting and tell them you're addicted to video games and just see the look on their face. You haven't played enough Mario Kart yet to start believing in God again. You know? Thanks, that's my time. Fuck yeah, Drew Absher knows exactly what a minute is.

Booyah! So I noticed you came from the deep back right corner. You're a comedian here in town, right? You're a local comic? Yeah. How long you been doing it for? Oh, this month's four years. Four years. And you said people your age do this and that, but what is your age?

24. 24 years old. Yeah, there's more to that bit. You said your mom was a drug addict as well. She was. I'm probably going to go on a limb and say she still is. Yeah. Oh, so she's pro.

Nice. Yeah. What kind of drugs are we talking about? Are we talking about that fucking Sacramento special? Oh, yeah. Sweet, sweet break and bad fucking... She knew where she was at. She was into the hard shit.

Hell, yeah. She was a spoonbender. Really? Oh, yeah. Heroin? I was too young to remember it, you know? Must not have been that bad. Yeah, I think it was mostly meth.

Meth, yeah. She was a nice lady. How many times was she on Live PD? I don't know. If she was on there, that's more TV Chris than I have. When's the last time you talked to her? Jeez. It'll be 13 years next year?

Oh, my God. Wow. 13 years next year. So why didn't you just say 12? That's a good question. Yeah, dude. After 12, you're graduated, bro. That's really interesting.

Why has it been so long since you talked to her? You don't want to or she doesn't want to? You know, she's doing her time. Oh, she's in jail? Yeah, the last time I had heard from her. She was a fucking... She stole like $50,000 from a church in Colorado and shit. She's a cruel criminal.

You got real bastard blood running through you, sir. It's white trash running through the veins. Hell yeah, definitely. What's the white trashiest thing you've ever done? Are you one of those kids like, oh, my mom was addicted to drugs. I have to go to church and live a perfect life. No, no.

The white trashiest thing. I mean, me and my friends used to paintball people's houses in high school. Yeah, we've all done that. We're all that white trash. Come on, you could do better than that. I mean, me and my friends used to paintball people's houses in high school. That's pretty white trash. Yeah, we've all done that. We're all that white trash. Come on, you can do better than that. Even me, dude. Yeah. Except Joel and his buddies used to paintball the house and then finish rolling the paint on.

Clean the gutters out. Hey, Juan, grab the roller. That might have been my favorite joke you've ever made. Wow, thank you. Thank you so much. Because we did that. You really did, wow. Yeah, I have a business now.

So any other white trashy fun facts about you, Drew? Come on, deep, deep here. You know what the fuck I'm talking about. There's something out there. I've tried to avoid it. It's just like... Of course. Yeah, I mean I went on like a first date to Hometown Buffet.

There you go now. Now we're talking, baby. Hey now. That's hot shit. Yeah. Were you sad when the girl moved to Wisconsin after? Brian goes on dates 1 through 500 at Hometown Buffet. It's good stuff.

That's called the test, whether it's true love or not, is if the girl just keeps going to Hometown Buffet. That's good stuff. That's called the test, whether it's true love or not, is if the girl just keeps going to Hometown Buffet. Anyway, you said you'd be in college if your mom wasn't. Do you still think you'd be in college at 24? Is that true? Actually, the joke's a little bit outdated. I just went back to college. This is

my first semester back. What are you studying? Communications. Trying to get back with your mom, huh? Yep. Dude, I'll give his mom a full ride, man. Wow. Communications. My goodness. Let me get this straight. Your mom is in prison?

Yeah, as far as I mean, no one really has contact with her anymore, but every once in a while, someone will Google her and be like, oh, I don't believe what she's doing. You have brothers and sisters? Yeah, I do. How many? I have one full sister. I mean, we're white trash. I got one full sister and then two step siblings. Which one has

the tighter pussy? Whoa! It works in Sacramento. We're still in Sacramento. It works. So, which one does? My stepmom. We're still in Sacramento. It works. So, which one does? My stepmom.

She's my terrible. Yeah, baby. Is she here tonight? Where's stepmom at? Let's find this fucking. Dude, I love stepmoms. So, you're still close with your dad? Yeah, yeah.

What does he do? He works at a cable company. Dude, how tight's your dad's dad? Yeah, yeah. What does he do? He works at a cable company. Dude, how tight's your dad's pussy? Yeah, bro. I love it, man. And how about stepmom? What does she do? She works at an elementary school.

Ooh-wee. Come on. Be honest with us here. How long have your dad and your stepmom been together? About 10 years. All right. That's exactly what I was hoping for. So be honest with me here. How long have your dad and your stepmom been together? About 10 years. Alright, that's exactly what I was hoping for. So be honest with me here. You were 14 when they met each other. She came in, she's like Hi Drew, yeah

I'm an elementary school teacher, so no big deal. And then what? You started fucking stroking your meat right in front of her, right? You just spit on your hand and started jerking off. Showed her who's boss like your mom did her first day of prison. You know what I mean?

Just went right up to the biggest lesbian she could find and fucking tried to buy drugs from her. All right. So you ever jerk off to the thought of your stepmom? Honest question. I can be 100% honest with you and say no, I've never done that. What? Yeah. Well, when I was 14, like stepmom porn wasnest question. I can be 100% honest with you and say no, I've never done that. What? Yeah. Well, when I was 14,

like, stepmom porn wasn't a thing yet. Like, if it was like... Yes, it was, dude. Not on the front page. They just hadn't made it yet, dude. That was a 2015 revelation. Nah, dude. When your stepmom has tits and she's not related, you will masturbate to her. That's just math.

And she'll do the same thing if her stepson has t her. That's just math. And she'll do the same thing if her stepson has tits. That's right. So, Drew, tell us something crazy about you. What hobbies do you have? Normally people with moms that have drug problems are, like, really good at something. They end up excelling at something

because they're making up for the fact that maybe they could get their mother's love back someday and, like, clean up their act. Is there anything you're good at, like counting cards or something like that? No, I wish. That would be beneficial. No, I just really do stand-up. I quit my day job to come do this, pursue it full-time and shit.

It's not very interesting. When did you quit your day job? In August. What's that day job that you quit? I was an account service representative at a printing and mailing facility. Oh, wow. Yeah, very exciting. That explains the haircut.

Yeah. Does it? No. So August, did you quit awkwardly or was it just a clean break, two-week notice? Yeah, it was like the day that i put in my two weeks notice they were like yeah we were gonna probably fire you and i was like oh perfect timing i should have just waited around and got the severance package but you know yeah well there you go all right what's your love life like oh it's cool it's you know nothing nothing to complain about

yeah i mean love's cool. You have a girlfriend? No, no, nothing like that. Last date you went on, what was that like? It was cool. We went mini-golfing. I upgraded from hometown to face. I'd rather do that. It was way cheaper.

But yeah, went mini-golfing. Oh, she's a little person. Mini-golf? I get it, mini. Oh, shit. Can I get some heroin back here, please? Okay little person. Mini golf? I get it, mini. Oh, shit. Can I get some heroin back here, please? Okay, Joel. All right, so you went mini golfing.

Then what? You played a little fucking putt-putt with her butt-butt? You know what I'm saying? That's what happens. No, nothing manifested. Nothing? You didn't put your ball through a little windmill? All right, that was so stupid. You didn't give her your tiger wood?

Yeah. Did you show her your fucking sack necklace? What are we talking about here? Did you show her your fucking... Did you give that baddie your caddy? Alright. Well, Drew. Did you get a hole in two?

Yeah. Alright. Well, Drew. Did you get a hole in two? Yeah. All right. Well, Drew, this was fun to meet you, dude. Yeah, man. Local comic. You've been doing it four years. Yeah. You know, you're fucking in it, man.

I would just say you leave a lot of, you just leave a lot of sort of open-ended things out there. I would just say sort of like give the whole truth. You know what I mean? I'd say I'm 24. People my age have changed addictions. Saying people my age, because we don't really know. You seem like you could be... You have a little Benjamin Buttons-y shit

going on. Do I fuck? You're either 18 and just joined the military, or you're 37 and have leukemia or something like that. I'm not really sure. Let's check in with Curtis. Can I give him some advice? Dude, have sex with your stepmom.

What are you doing? She's right there. I agree. I agree completely. One more time for Drew Absher, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah.

Soul's out for summer. How about a hand for the band? New songs every episode. They learn these things right before the show. It's incredible. Wow. What was that? He's throwing skull into the audience.

What was that? Just threw an imaginary football. Wait a second. Can you do that again? Because that was perhaps one of the worst football forms I've ever seen. Is that how you actually... I've never seen you throw a football before. Dude, come on.

Yeah, do it again. Just do it! Oh, my God. Wait a second. All right. Wait. So you're a quarterback? Dude, I tore my rotator cuff.

Oh, okay. That makes sense. Now I get it. I couldn't on pro, but I filled up my girlfriend with my seed. Whoa. Shit. Pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there? Okay. Keep it going for your next comedian.

He goes by the name of Matt Medina. Medina. Matt Medina. Medina. Matt Medina. All right. Sacramento! All right. Weed smokers, where you at? All right.

I smoke weed for my anorexia. It's working very well. You know, weed smoking, I can't do it in cars anymore, man. I used to have this weird old cop car, you know? Like a 97 Grand Markelic fucking sweet. I was rolling down the street, right? And so,

I like to get high and write jokes in my car, but I forget what I look like, and so people think that I'm following them. Like, I had a woman walk up to me and goes, hey, I don't know what you're doing in my neighborhood, but can you please get out of it?

Cool. That worked out great. Let's see. Oh, man. I had a whole thing planned. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so nervous. I'm so happy to share this moment with you guys. I'm going to pander for a little bit longer. Things are going great. Oh, man. I really fucked to pander for a little bit longer. Things are going great. Oh, man.

I really fucked this up, didn't I? I bought my tickets in May. I was so... On my birthday. Okay, cool. Yeah, there you go. All right. Matt Medina.

Really killing it. The last 20 seconds of his set By just talking through it I like your style, man Very good stuff Appreciate it, appreciate it Hell yeah, absolutely

I'm guessing that's not the first time You've waited around for pussy No, no, absolutely right Hell yeah, there you go There it is again For some reason Makes no sense But there it is

So welcome to the show, Matt You're new at stand-up comedy? I've been doing it about a year and a half. About a year and a half! Yay! It was just me and you that got excited about that, Matt. I'm going to be honest with you. That tends to happen.

Why does that tend to happen? You know, people don't think I'm funny. Why? Loud, aggressive. You are? Yeah A lot of people are loud and aggressive and funny though Yeah, but no That's very true

Ever heard of Sam Kinison? Yeah, oh, very good point Hilarious I mean, we could go on and on There's a lot of those So what do you think it is? Do other comedians think you're funny? I mean, they tell me, but you know

Do they? Yeah Do they after your set go. Do they? Yeah. Do they after your set go, good set? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. What made you want to start stand-up comedy?

I got a divorce. Whoa. Yeah. Okay, now. Uh-huh. How long ago was that? Two years? A year? Two years?

What happened? She moved to Wisconsin? No, she fucked a 40-year-old. She fucked a 40-year-old? Hell yeah. While she was pregnant with my kid. It's great. It's a good time. And I hope she watches this. That's what we call the 40-yard dash. How old are you, Matt Medina?

I am also 24. 24 years old, and she's 24 too? Yes. How long were you guys together for? We were together for four, married for three. Together for four, married for three. So wait, you were together for seven years?

No, no, no. Four. Three years married. And this 40-year-old probably a boss, a co-worker? So wait, you were together for seven years or just four? No, no, no, no. Four. Okay. Four, yeah, all together. Three years married. And this 40-year-old probably a boss, a co-worker? A parts dealer at a local famous car dealership. Yeah. Wow.

Looks like he gave her a part under her hood she really wanted, huh? Yeah. My goodness. You know the worst? How pregnant was she when she did this? Pretty, pretty pregnant. Wow. That's incredible.

Very, actually. So the worst part is that. Like fourth goal or what are we talking about? Curtis, just go right ahead, Curtis. Pay no attention to anything else, Curtis. I can't see you at all. You don't need to see me, Curtis. Just use your ears, Curtis.

It's a podcast, Curtis. We do a lot of plays on the field. I need to see you. All right. You don't need to see me at all. Just use your ears, Curtis. It's a podcast, Curtis. We do a lot of plays on the field. I need to see you. You don't need to see me at all. I promise. I would love to make eye contact with you. Curtis, we've been doing this for years. Dude, I want to look at you, okay? How bruised was your child's head?

Yeah, I don't know. There you go. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now we're cooking into the part of the show that I was warning about earlier. So we're talking seven, eight, nine months pregnant? Yeah. Wow. And you know that he came inside of her, right?

Huh? You don't pull out with a pregnant chick. You know this. No, no. You can do whatever you want. right? You don't pull out with a pregnant chick. You know this. So his cum was within millimeters of your baby's tiny, salty lips.

Unless he put it in her butt. Wow. Which lucky him. That's what got the Cholberg chant? Just a few guys that are fans of anal in the audience tonight. Not really the audience tonight. Not really the funniest thing, but...

When you come inside somebody else's girlfriend that's pregnant, that's called a two-point conversion. That's actually true. So... Okay, yeah, soak it in, Curtis. Really, really wild one tonight, Curtis. Man, really overcompensating for that torn rotator cuff you have. Dude, my coach said I could have...

There you go. So, Matt, how did you find out about this? We got done with couples counseling, and we went to Black Bear Diner, where I ordered... Bacon soda! Go ahead. Why does that get a groan? What's Black Bear Diner? where I ordered... Go ahead. Why does that get a groan? What's Black Bear Diner?

We're not locals. I guess it's not in LA, is it? It's like a truck stop diner, right? Yeah, it's like a franchise. So you're out of couples counseling, you go to Black Bear Diner, and then what happens? And then she looked at me and she said, I don't want to be with you anymore.

And then I was like, well then why did I don't want to be with you anymore. And then I was like, well, then why did I order my food? I shouldn't have. I wasted $15. That's what you were worried about? Your pregnant wife says you don't want to be and you're worried about the fucking straw me sandwich? No, it's the graze, it's the breakfast. Okay.

And then what happens? She says she doesn't want to be with you. You're like, oh, I'm losing $15 on this. And then what? And then we drove home in silence, and then I cried for about three hours. Oh, my God. Wow.

That's called a rain delay. Yeah. Caused rain? Rain delay? Rain delay? Oh, yes. I got it, yes. Matt. If you would just look at me, you'd get it.

All right, very good. Yes, I got you, Curtis. Thank you. So, you cried for three hours. Did she tell you that she fucked the parts guy? Okay, so this is where the timeline gets iffy where I think my second kid is not mine. Whoa. Hold on.

Did he come out holding a fucking wrench or something like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It had a Mitsubishi symbol on it. Oh, we're getting closer to the dealership here. A famous local Mitsubishi dealership. What do you guys think it is? It's John L. Sullivan, I'll just say it. Fuck him. Fuck it. Fuck him.

Fuck him. Fuck him. Yeah. He steals people's money. I don't know. Wow. From the Mitsubishi to the Shitsubishi. This is incredible.

Wow. Matt, you're just throwing everybody under the bus tonight. I like it, man. So what makes you think the second kid might not be yours? The amount of time that they got together and we broke up. I'm in love with the cocoa. All right. Again, it's just like, I guess we're in a race to all say stuff here tonight.

Let's just all do everything we first think of. You go ahead, Matt. Yeah, let's see uh so when when she kicked me out of my own apartment uh i she ended up meeting this guy apparently and uh we went to meet at a starbucks to talk about like custody stuff and uh she was wearing she was wearing a necklace and i was like i don't i didn't buy you that fucking necklace right and i was like hey who got you that necklace really nice she goes oh a friend i was like cool what's't buy you that fucking necklace. And I was like, hey, who got you that necklace? It's really nice. She goes, oh, a friend.

I was like, cool, what's this friend's name? And she's like, no, I'm not going to tell you. I was like, is it around my kid? And she's like, yeah. So then she got me the whole thing. His name's Jeff. Whoa, okay, okay, that's enough. That's my pillow.

Fuck you, Jeff. Yeah, Jeff. Matt's about to say his social security number. Wow. So it's Jeff. He works at Mitsubishi right there. My God. And he was fucking your wife. Yeah.

Currently. Thank you, Soda. Currently fucking my still legally married to wife. Right. So when did the second kid happen? So you're saying she's available? Yeah. When did she get pregnant with the second kid? I mean, hopefully when I came inside her.

Yeah? Yeah, about a year and a half ago. Is there anything about the second kid that makes you think it's not yours? No. Besides the straightness of the hair. He's black. That's about it. Yeah, and it's black.

It came out with a fancy necklace on it. Yeah, my first one's got like curly julep, so you know. Right. Wow, Matt. You're fucking, wow. So interesting. That's incredible that you really fucking literally spilled the beans here. What ethnicity

are you? Huh? What ethnicity are you? Half Mexican, half white. You spilled the beans. That sounds like exactly what? Half Mexican, half white. You spilled the beans. That sounds like exactly what a half Mexican, half white person would do. Whoa! Spilled the beans. Interesting, Matt. Is that all the most interesting stuff about you?

I used to pick up bodies for a mortuary. Wow. That was pretty fun. Did you ever touch a titty once in a while? Had a couple glances, you know. Yeah. Fuck yeah. You know, one of those corpses,

you could fuck it and it's not going to go fuck Jeff at the Mitsubishi place. Jeff! Dead, man. Well, Matt, interesting as hell. You know, the minute we got through it, you know what I mean? But the interview, fucking 10-star interview, dude.

Fucking really interesting stuff. A lot of vulnerable stuff. Thank you, guys. That a lot of people would probably avoid talking about, but Matt Medina gave it to us. Thank you, Matt. Fuck yeah, you got it, pal. Pro wrestling fan, Matt Medina.

Fucking bitches, man. What? Bitches. Bitches? Yeah. Wow. Look at you. My goodness.

What are you so mad about? That poor guy. What do you mean, poor guy? He's doing fine. Who does that when you have a baby in you? Come on. He's doing fine. Fucking trash. Dude, if a baby in you? Come on. He's doing fucking trash. Dude, if Jeff is out there, suck our dicks.

Fuck you, Jeff. Fuck you, Jeff. Fuck you, Jeff. Fuck you, Jeff. Yeah. Not my pillow. I don't know why, but honestly, I'm sort of on Jeff's side on this one. I don't know.

I just like, I mean, she's pregnant. She's down to fuck. I mean, why not just fuck her? Jeff is cool. Jeff is cool. Jeff is cool. Standing ovation from that guy. Oh, that's a waiter.

Okay. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Zach S. Zach S. Here he is. Wow, right in the front. Very close. Wow. Right in the front. Very close. Hey.

One more time for Zach S, everybody. Alright, alright. Thank you. That's me, Zach. I just turned 31 and that makes me feel just a little bit old because now technically I'm on physically, I'm on the decline. But the comforting thing to know is that what you lose physically, they say, you gain in wisdom, right?

Right. So I'm like totally feeling the effects of that right now. Don't fucking smart, you guys. I know it, dude. I am nobody's fool, first of all, and nothing gets by me anymore. Like, telling you guys, for example, I know for a fact right now

that baby powder is just cremated baby that they put right back into a bottle for you. Telling you guys, think about it. What better to apply to your baby's sensitive skin than more baby in the form of a powder packaged neatly in a bottle for your convenience? You guys, big brands like Johnson & Johnson... Shit.

They're legally obligated to tell you about this, though. That's why it's right there in the title. Baby powder, like it's hidden in plain sight. All right, Zach S., everybody. Zach S., welcome to the show. How are you feeling, man? Very nervous. Why are you nervous?

Second time doing stand-up comedy. Second time ever doing stand-up comedy, ladies and gentlemen. Second time ever, and still somehow the, ladies and gentlemen. Second time ever and still somehow the second best set of the night tonight. Incredible. Zach S., congratulations and welcome. Second time ever. When was your first time? Two years ago.

Two years ago. You're wearing two collared shirts right now. I'll tell you why. This is something we almost never see in real life. This is very very interesting. You're excited to tell us something about it.

Curtis you want to say something about this. Yeah. Why does he look like the most handsome guy on the Big Bang Theory. So you got fucking two collars.

Right. I didn't know what the temperature was going to be in here. So I wore both of my favorite shirts. Looks like the temperature was going to be in here. So I wore both of my favorite shirts. Looks like the temperature is bitch. You ever thought about a coat or maybe a hoodie?

Yeah, you ever think about dressing like a human being? You know who else didn't know what the temperature would be like in here? Almost everybody else. Is there a reason why you decided to commit to fucking forever autism fashion? Yeah, you look like the autistic kid we always pick on, dude. Ah, Chroma Chris and I matching up on premises there. Look at that. That's big points, Chroma Chris.

How about a hand for Chroma Chris? Silent but deadly. Not a comedian, but somehow always bats a thousand. Yeah, dude. The A on his letterman jacket stands for autism. So, Zach, you said something. I must have missed the beginning. We were talking about a technical thing for a second.

You said that you had some kind of disability or something, or no? No, I was just saying that, like, in your 20s, you feel young and invincible, but after you turn 30, basically, you feel your physical decline, but you also feel smarter at the same time. Yeah, I don't know. I think what I heard was right. I think you have a disability of some kind.

I'm not a doctor, but I've been right about these things before. I have diagnosed people as autistic. They hit me up later. They're like, dude, I went to a doctor, and you're right, bro. And so I think I might be close to right about this. You ever have any head injuries as a kid? You play sports a lot?

I've probably had a few concussions, but, I mean, it was probably from snowboarding or being punched in the face. What the fuck does it matter how you got them? You got them. Once you get it, you got it. So interesting. What do you do for work, Zach? I do furniture upholstery. I own my own upholstery business in Davis. Awesome!

Heck yeah. Look at that. What's Davis like? It's chill. It's got a lot of wealthy hippies. Oh, really? Do they wear two shirts with collars on them? Is that a thing there, maybe? If they're above a five in douche factor, then I'm sure they do.

Let me ask you this. Have you ever seen anyone else do that before? Yes, I have. Who is it? I went to UC Davis, and this shit happened plenty of times between the years of 2009 and 2011. You're autistic, dude. Oops, I did it again. I called you

autistic because you knew the exact years. Hey! Heck yeah. Old two-collars Jenkins over here. Zach S. What's your childhood like? What are we talking about?

What do we got going on there? Some fucking couple go-kart accidents or something like that? You ever get ejected from a go-kart in a massive pileup? Am I close to right about something? You're asking me how I got my brain damaged. No, I'm just really talking about your childhood overall.

Brothers, sisters, cool parents? Yeah, both my parents are pretty cool. My dad's a project manager for an engineering company. My mom's a veterinarian at UC Davis. She does brain surgery on dogs. My brother, ow. She should do brain surgery on you. All right.

Fair enough. If she does brain surgery on dogs,. She's probably used to, if she does brain surgery on dogs, then she's probably performed brain surgery on somebody with two collars before. Now that's the best joke you've ever heard me do on. No, I'm kidding.

It's not smarter than it is funny. Ladies and gentlemen, smarter than it is funny, ladies and gentlemen. Smarter than it is funny, which brings me back to Zach S. Yeah, is Zach short for Zachraminto? Oh, my God. What's that? Oh, my God. You are so deep in character.

It's crazy. Zachraminto. Sacramento. Wow. Actually, it is. If he said that, I'd throw myself through this window. No, don't. They don't know it's a window. It wouldn't be worth it. They'd be like, oh, there's a bunch of pads back there. He landed. No, it's a

two-story fall out of a window behind us. They warned us right before the show. They're like, whatever you do, don't fall backwards. It's a two-story fall through glass. We're like, thank you. We're going to have fun tonight. Anyway. Zach, what else is interesting about you? Any fun hobbies or anything like that?

Do you ever go fucking frisbee golfing with coffee saucers or anything like that? Coffee saucers? So being a business owner takes up a lot of my time so I don't have that many hobbies, but...

Jesus, oh my God. This is like Shark Tank if the dude had the brains of an actual shark. Let me tell you, Tony, running my own business is a real conundrum. Hello?

Okay, running your business is what? Go ahead, I'm sorry I cut you off to say something funny. Go ahead. I'm sorry I cut you off to say something funny. Go ahead. I'm sorry, Zach. I apologize from the bottom of my cold black heart.

Tony, be careful. We're going to have a real Joker situation here. Okay, go ahead, Zach. Okay, I just meant to say that hobby-wise, I don't have that many. But interesting things about me I was trying to get to when there's two that you might be able to work with. One, I don't have that many. But interesting things about me, I was trying to get to when there's two that you might be able to work with. One, I've been arrested three times.

Two, I was circumcised late in life. Whoa, I love this. Very good. Late circumcision. Are you sure this wasn't a lobotomy? Maybe they did both at the same time. I think they said that. Like how late?

He just got his blood pressure taken. He was like, dude, I got circumcised. This all happened after my mom tucked me into bed and started to practice. How old were you when you got the circumcision? Fourth grade. Oh my god, you dirty little boy. Why?

And I had to put a catheter in my dick hole twice a day. And shut up. Technically, yes. There was a day we had to go to the corn maze for a field trip. Dude, bread man's hilarious. Okay. Keep going, Zach S.

There was a time in fourth grade I had to go to the corn maze for a field trip. Uh-huh. And it was time for me to stick my catheter in my dick halfway through our field trip or else my dick hole was going to close up. So I went into the porta potty.

Oh, my God. I took out the catheter and I stuck it in my dick hole. There's no way all the details in this story come back for any reason. And then there's a kernel of corn and I'm like, not with my stock, you didn't. Like, what? I remember it because it was not fun, man. Right. So you went to the porta potty and you shoved a thing in your dick.

Is that it? I guess so, yeah. Let's talk about the three arrests. What did you get arrested for? Being drunk all three times. One was a DUI. Wow. How recent was the most recent one?

All between 2009 and 2011. Whoa. What the fuck's up with that? What's up with 9 and 11? I was a junior and a senior in college, and I partied a lot. This is the worst fucking 9-11 thing I've ever heard in my life. You're 2009 to 2011. It's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. You're 2009 to 2011. It's the worst thing I've ever heard associated with those numbers.

The worst? That's when you were in college, 2009 to 2011? 2007 or 2011. That makes sense. Love life, Zach. Seems to be the question of the night. I'm single single?

yeah heck yeah you ever you a good listener? I'm a very good listener I think I'd like to think so long time listener

first time callers alright I can't even blame that on being in character that's uh that's just my stupid brain so

uh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Well, you're an interesting guy, man. How far is Davis from here? 25-minute drive. 25-minute drive. All right. How fast can you do a drunk? That's a real question, dude. I wouldn't remember.

That's a real question. You live by yourself? Yeah. Actually, that's a lie. I dude. I wouldn't remember. That's a real question. You live by yourself? Yeah. Actually, that's a lie. I live with my parents. Oh, well, you know, as a business owner, I... Son of a bitch. My God.

You ever hear your mom and dad having sex? Or as he calls it, giving the dog brain surgery. You know what I mean? No, they're divorced, unfortunately. Oh, they're divorced. But they still live together? Nope. One lives in Winters,

which is 50 miles away from here. One lives in Davis, which is 25. Who'd you choose? Yeah, which one did you choose? Yeah, which parent did you choose to live with? Who do you live with, man?

Yeah. Which team, dude? Got you. I live with my dad do you live with, man? Yeah. Which team, dude? Got you. I live with my dad. I live with my dad because he lives closest to where I work. Closest to where you work. You do not sound like a business owner to me at all, Zach. I work approximately four points.

You said you don't like people promoting things. What's the business that you own again? It's called Davis Upholstery. And it's just an upholstery business. How'd you learn how to do that? Upholstery. And it's just an upholstery business. How'd you learn how to do that?

I knew the former owner of the shop, and I asked him if I could practice on pieces of furniture until I was good enough that he could pay me for it. Wow. And then he started paying me for it, and then he sold me the shop. Wow. Now here we are. That's great.

That's incredible. Very cool. It's good to know you can do something with the material that you can create. It's a good outlet for you, I think. Thanks for coming on, Zach. It's Zach S., everybody.

We gotta follow up with him. I wanna know if this guy's autistic. I think there's a good chance he is. I wish that you would Step back from that ledge He left his circumcised dick microphone. Look at that. Look at that.

Heck yeah. Look at that. Professional. Fuck yeah. Hey, little butt slap. Oh, I think he likes it. Oh my god. These dudes are about to fuck. Whoa, he grabbed it.

Get in there. Wow, there's not even a name on this. That's interesting. Just a blank piece of paper ended up in there. Is there an invisible person who signed up tonight? Okay, there's two of them. All right, guess we just cut up all the pieces of paper and threw them in there. Are there invisible twins that signed up tonight? All right, I'm going cut up all the pieces of paper and threw them in there. Are there invisible twins that signed up tonight?

All right, I'm going to tell you right now, this is a fucking crazy name. I have a feeling something very interesting is about to go down here. Put your hands together for your next comedian. He signed up as the real Spaceman Spiff, everybody. Here we go. Here he is, the real Spaceman Spiff. What's up, everybody? All right.

I'm the real Spaceman Spiff. Yeah, yeah, you're right. A.K.A. Kyle. I've often been considered by others to be a little psychotic. But if you overlook that, I'm pretty normal and relatable. One time, while I was on ecstasy, around three in the morning, I masturbated in the front lawn of a girl I had feelings for. Yep.

Before you start judging me, I had a very good reason for doing that. Yep. Before you start judging me, I had a very good reason for doing that. Another time, I took an extended vacation to Sacramento's wonderful facility, RCCC. For those of you who don't know, that's jail. While in jail, I earned the unofficial title of shit bandit. That's for real. I was never caught.

I also had a really good reason for doing that. One night I got so drunk, I argued with my girlfriend and I, damn it. And I passed out in a bush down the street. And I also called the buddy, ordered a hundred dollars worth of Coke, which I didn't have. And then I walked back to my car, shit myself and drink gutter water. Wow. There you go. All right, Kyle. I like your style, Kyle. You signed up as the real Spaceman Spiff. Now, why would you do that and just not go by Kyle?

Because that's my tag for everything. Is what? Spaceman Spiff. It's Calvin and Hobbes. That's my thing. Oh. Is what? Spaceman Spiff. It's Calvin and Hobbes. That's my thing. Oh, it's your online thing. Oh, okay, cool. Well, welcome, welcome, Kyle.

You took off sunglasses and a fisherman's hat, and you have your material written on a cool piece of art that you made. My mind would have went blank. I needed that. I like your style, man. You're honest with yourself. You seem like you've lived a full life. Welcome. How old are you've lived a full life. Welcome.

How old are you? 30 years old. 30 years old. Hell yeah. Talk right into the tip of that microphone. Thank you. Thank you. Hell yeah.

30 years old. You said that you're pretty normal and relatable. No. God, no. No. No. You ever been in the military or anything like that? I get that a lot, actually. And no. No. God no. No. No. You ever been in the military or anything like that? I get that a lot, actually.

And no. No. I actually got denied from the Marines when I graduated high school. I had an incident in eighth grade. What was the incident? Assault with a deadly weapon. Wow. What was the deadly weapon? A knife. Who'd you deadly assault?

A fucking bully. Wow. It was just a bully? I wouldn't clap that fast without hearing the whole story. Who's the bully now? Can I just say... Alright, I believe you. I looked back and he had the crazy eyes on me.

I'm on your side in this, pal. I was going to say that this guy looks like when he comes, he yells hoorah. But after hearing the bully thing, loved your set, bro. So did you stab him with the knife? No, no, I just threatened him. Put it to his neck. I told him I was going to fucking kill him.

Who was this guy bullying? I'm not going to give his name, but it was a tall, aggressive. No, I don't want his name. I'm saying who was he bullying? Oh'm not going to give his name, but it was a tall, aggressive... No, I don't want his name. I'm saying who was he bullying? Oh, me. Me, over a course of a couple months. A couple months. What was he saying to you? What was he doing? This was in 8th grade?

8th grade? Yeah, 8th grade. Dude, I was just a shy guy, and motherfucker wanted to fuck with me. He hit me, calling me shit, and I stopped taking it. You ever see this guy anymore? Let me feel your muscles. Come here. No, dude.

I'm weak. Flex. I'm weak, but I'm crazy, too. You're definitely crazy. Can we reenact? I mean, I don't think there's really much to reenact. All he did was threaten it, but Curtis, since you're literally out of control tonight, sure, let's go that direction. No, it's easy.

Very easy. Yes. Okay, go ahead. Boy, the anticipation in the room is killing everybody. Go right ahead with this reenactment. This is how it happened. So, no, no, over there. So I'm coming out of English class.

Jeremiah is this fucking aggressor. His name's Curtis. Curtis? Yeah, my bad. All right, all right. So we bump into each other, and I'm like, and it was cheesy as fuck. I said, you watch it, dude. And he said, no, you watch it.

Slap me in the back of the fucking head. I don't know if you know what a reenactment is. But the way you're doing it right now, I don't even need to be here. Yeah. Anyways, I grab him by the shirt. I put the knife to his neck Okay, so yeah Okay, oh

So now you have the knife And you put it up against my neck Okay, I'm gonna fucking kill you There you go, there it was The reenactment of the assault I didn't like doing that Mind-boggling Dude, this guy is great at reenactments.

Has anyone ever told you when you wear the hats and the glasses you look like the saxophone player from the Muppets band? No. I'm glad to be the first. Right on. That's what we thought was going on. Okay, so Kyle, tell us other crazy stuff about you. It seems like everything you say

you're like just accidentally giving. I asked you about Marines. You're like, no, I couldn't because I almost stabbed somebody in the eighth grade. I'm like, what? No, they denied me because of like psychiatric reasons. No, I understand. Right, right. So what's your life like now? How old are you again? I'm 30 years old.

30 years old. And what's your story now? Go ahead. I'm not going to give you my profession. That shit ain't worth it. But I'm married. I'm not going to give you my profession. That shit ain't worth it. I'm married. I got two kids. I'm super into psychedelics. I'll preach all day about psychs.

How old are your kids? Yes, Redman. It's an incredible idea for someone like me. How old are your kids? Eight and five. Absolutely. I work very hard. Eight and five. Yep. Absolutely. And I work very hard.

I support them. Yeah. Anyways. But you don't want to tell us your profession for some reason? Well, it's just boring. No, go ahead. I'm a welder, all right? I work with metal.

Oh, look at that. Welders are cool. Hell yeah. You ever weld a guy that wore two shirts together? That's a bad welding joke. Bad. Thank you. I mean, I agree with you.

I didn't get the wording out correctly. I couldn't agree more with you, Kyle. Have you heard a good welding joke before? Oh, fuck yeah. I can weld the ass crack... Oh, fuck. The ass crack that dawned something. Dude, your delivery sucked on that. So shitty. Alright. Well, Kyle,

what else about you? How'd you find a woman that would marry you? Where'd you meet this girl at? Yeah, can you reenact that for us real quick? Yeah. Very good idea. Yeah, so I walk in, right? And then she's like, hey, what's up? And I'm like, hey, how are you? I don't wear shoes. It's like, if you don't marry me, I'll cut your fucking

throat. I do. I do. He's like, if you don't marry me, I'll cut your fucking throat. I do. I do. Corvette to the stage. We have two kids now. I love you. All right. So where'd you meet this girl?

I met her buying ecstasy from a drug dealer. You were both buying ecstasy at the same time? She was the friend of the drug dealer. And I bought ecstasy, and we just hit it off. I think that Ecstasy did the heavy lifting there. Hey, 12 years later. Wow.

12 years. Jeez, that's fucking awesome, man. Wow. That's crazy. So you met her when you were 18? Yeah, I was turning 19. Incredible stuff. What does she do?

Destiny to the stage. Nothing. She's going to watch this, and I'm going to get in trouble. Really? Why would you get in trouble? Because she does work hard to keep the house together. Of course. There's more that could be done.

Whoa. Sorry, babe. Sorry. Like what? We're getting it out there. Come on. Let it out. Let it out. Dude, the knife's coming back out, babe. That's right. He's my terrible.

There we go. Back to you, Kyle. It's pretty simple. What can she do to make the fucking house better this is what we all want to know Tony it's not about making the house better it's about like

bedroom I don't know man I don't know what I expect but I just kind of wish that she'd be more involved in life the real sad thing And the real sad thing, dude, the real sad thing is that... She's an important, very compelling part of the show. Go ahead, Kyle.

Is that she took drugs way younger than I did. She started in eighth grade, and it's affected her. And I love her to death, but... Wait, you mean to tell me she's the crazy one? No. No. No, what do you mean? What do you mean to tell me she's the crazy one? No. No. What do you mean? What do you mean it's affected her?

Like processing information, doing stuff. Like when you do drugs at a young age, it really does. This is the most Sacramento shit I could have hoped for tonight, by the way. This is where you guys live. Be careful. If you do drugs at a young age, you might fall in love with a welder. I'm in love with a welder.

You got a very Tom Cruise, fucking Oprah vibe about you, dude. It's fucking terrifying. Dude, he's going to put a knife to your throat. You better... Good, dude. I'm not violent. I'm not violent.

Can I just say, when he grabbed me during that reenactment, I shot a squirt of diarrhea right in my jeans. All right, Kyle. I got one more thing, Tony. Whatever you the fucking want to do, you get to do here. So you just go right ahead. First thing, anything you want to say or do,

if you want to mess with any of the levers or buttons over here, if you just want to pull wires, you can literally do whatever you want. You're allowed. You're special. I came here to challenge the king for his throne. Wait a second. Wait a second. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Are you telling

me... Wait, wait. Kyle. Are you telling me that you know how to play drums? I used to be pretty good about ten years ago. I haven't touched a drum set since then, but I still practice. I haven't touched a drum set since then, but I still practice. You haven't touched a drum set in 10 years? You were good 10 years ago? No, I'm not gonna be

worse than others that you've had. Are you sure you think you can really put a challenge up on this? I came to take the throne. Wow! Well, you know what? Whoa! What's he doing? He's asking for something from the audience.

Oh, my God. He has unbuckled his belt. His friend just threw him something. What is happening? He has a strap-on. This is unbelievable. Dude, that's the smallest strap-on I've ever seen in my life. He's wearing it on his head.

Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, so before you play anything, Kyle, let me just remind everyone, and let me just tell the listeners that aren't watching this episode, he just took off his shirt, threw it out into the room, called for something from the audience, took off his pants, caught a strap-on dildo, a very tiny white strap-on dildo. He put it on top of his head.

He's wearing underwear, tight, colorful. Pikachu Pokemon underwear. Pika, pika, pika. I literally, I mean, it's just Pikachu colorful underwear. He has a dildo on his fucking head. He appears to know what he's doing on the drums. And let me just remind everybody, you know, this is going to be a Mexican drum off. And with that comes the ultimate opportunity.

Juleberg is completely undefeated at all time in Mexican drum offs. However, this is just as serious as anyone we've ever had before. The real spaceman Spiff has an opportunity. Kyle has an opportunity to leave his wife, the eight-year-old, the five-year-old and become the new drummer on Kill Tony.

That means he'd be on the show tomorrow. He would be with us in San Fran for four... Wait, wait, wait, wait. Kyle, Kyle, Kyle. Wait, wait, wait. He would be with us for four shows this weekend in San Francisco. He'd come back with us on Monday

and be on the new episode Monday with Josh Wolfe and a special guest. He has the opportunity to go to Australia with us in just a week and a half and be in Australia for the first time in his life. If he wins, he takes Joel's job. And Joel takes his. He just licked the... Wait, Kyle.

He just licked the tip of the bottom of the dildo. Hey, Nicholas, can you make sure that camera's all squared up and that everything's good there? So, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, this is a Mexican drum-off, and now going for the throne, it's Kyle, everybody. She's my... He's licking the end of the penis. That was it, Kyle?

All right, that was pretty good. That was pretty good. That's true. I mean, as far as comedic performance, you may have been one of the greatest contenders of all time. I don't even know where you find a dildo with a little ribbon around it like that. But I got bad news for you, Kyle.

Your opponent, undefeated all time. He's the undertaker of this shit. He's the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. This is the Mexican drama live from Sacramento. Episode 400. Oh my God.

Oh my God. He's coming out With a bunch of He brought a Versace cat He brought a God damn Versace cat Weirdest ass In the game

Giant purple dildo And fucking A big cock And nice nuts too You fucking pussy. Alright. Ladies and gentlemen, all time undefeated.

You might want to grab this for afterwards. First aid kit. Either way you slice it, we are about to either witness history or a slaughter. I present to you, defending his throne, undefeated all time the one and only Joel Berg Joel Jimenez I haven't touched my shit Whoa!

Full back somersault. Lost his toupee. He's just warming up it seems. Wow. Oh! He's got the dildo in his mouth for Christ's sake. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Wow. There was a massacre here by a sleep mattress live in Sacramento. That was incredible. Mind-boggling. He put the dildo in his mouth both backwards and forwards at one point. How many of you have Kyle winning this thing? How many of you have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez retaining?

Wow. There you go. There you go. One of the great challenges up to the point of playing drums though, Kyle. Tony, my actual dick hurts. I haven't fucked a guy that bad in a while.

Well, Kyle's wearing the underwear, but I think you got more down there to peek at you. Wow. Guys, come on. You gotta give it to him. Obviously, come here real quick. Come here, come here. Take a to give it to him. Obviously, come here real quick. Come here, come here. Take a bow.

I mean, a real fan. The guy prepared. He gets it. He got it. Look, everybody's a little crazy, but this fucking guy, he's a good father. He loves his wife. He works his ass off,

and he came prepared and actually prepared, fucking gave a good shot at the Mexican drama. It's never been used. Yeah. Hell yeah. Why? Yeah. There you go.

This guy contributes. Wow. Look at that. What an episode. Can I say how cool that guy is and how scary as hell that guy is? Can I say how cool that guy is and how scary as hell that guy is? It is very rare where you see somebody that both seems completely unhinged and yet at the same time cool as fuck at the same time. I mean, really impressive.

One more time for the real Spaceman Spiff. One more thing to explain to TSA. What'd you say? I said one more thing to explain to TSA. Yeah. I always put it in my backpack, and when it goes through the scanner, I watch their faces.

It's always like a black dude. He's like, what the fuck's that, man? I love it, dude. Hey, man, this guy gay You should just go through it with the white one on your forehead Like he had Hell yeah, dude Just fucking make them wonder whether they should give it a pat down or not

Australia, here we come Hell yeah I'm excited about this Look at you, yeah You dirty boy Wow, I mean mean I don't really know how we could possibly top that but I do have one idea

we have a regular on this show ladies and gentlemen every single week he writes and performs a brand new minute I think we're all excited to see what he does here tonight ladies and gentlemen make some noise for the one and only

William motherfucking Montgomery. Here he is. I'm crazy for feeling lonely. Where in the fuck is Patrick? He told me I could smoke out back. I fell through the roof. I lost

one of my crocs. He knows I have Lyme's disease. How many of y'all hire a clown for your kid's birthday, and when you find out it's a Jewish guy, you're a little... Patrick! Why'd you tell me to say that? Patrick is Filipino.

He, not to be trusted. Hey, Sean, I get it. We're brothers, but this has to stop. That's an impression of me talking to my superior the other day at Foot Locker. of me talking to my superior the other day at Foot Locker. Patrick, why'd you tell me to fucking say that? Where is Patrick?

Seriously, where is Patrick? Everyone's always older than me. That's what Dracula says a bunch. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Another minute from William. This one, very Patrick-oriented set you have here, William. Is there even a guy that works here named Patrick? Patrick is actually from the Orient.

From the what? From the Orient. From the Orient? From the Orient. Patrick? I'm kidding. That's a nice lady I met earlier. She gave me ecstasy.

She gave me Zantac. Why'd she give you Zantac? I don't know. I didn't trust it. It gives people cancer. I've literally been peeing blood recently. I wonder if it's some sort of cancer. William, is it true that you have been,

is that true that you've been working at a footlocker? I have. I work with my cousin Taylor. He's a big Florida Gators fan. Uh-huh. William, what have you done since you got here in Sacramento today? I have literally been out on that

roof listening to music. I've been smoking cigarettes. I've been drinking IPAs. I'm blacked out right now. I've been drinking IPAs. I'm blacked out right now. I'm trying... Who the fuck said that?

Oh, I think it's that guy right there. Don't throw me off! Who is that guy, William? Do you know him? Tony Chin? Look at what that reference does to the room. That could be him. Oh, look, it's Stolberg Joel Jimenez,

fresh off of another victory of a Mexican drum off. Have you ever seen a Mexican drum off before, William? Have you ever watched the show? I have not. When I was working at the La Quintin in Scottsdale, however, I saw a Latin guitar off. It was very exciting. Didn't know what to do with myself.

At the time, I was selling Xanax bars out of room 217. Yeah. Let's give it up for my brother. That's your brother right there, Jeremiah? I'm kidding. Literally, in my state of mind right now, I see that my confidence is thrown off. I don't know what to do.

I'm a giant Mike Bibby fan. Let's give it up for Mike Bibby. Is that a Sacramento basketball player? It is. I did a bunch of research on AOL. Who the fuck said that? I've never, in your many performances on this show,

I've never once seen you pander like you just did. You're a huge Mike Bibby fan? That is bullshit. I'm calling, I never do this, but I'm calling a lot of players greater than him is Chris Webber. What the fuck? Hold on, there's one more.

Let's also give it up for... Vladi D-Vac! Love him! Love it! Vladi! Love you, man! Vladi! You're a goddamn genius, dude.

You are so fucking funny. Wow. I did not see that coming at all. What a twist. In a world where, you know, I didn't believe anything you said. Patrick. Hey, Tony, can I tell one of my classics for all my fans in here? How many of you want to hear William do a joke

that you've heard him do before? But you get to see it live, and the listeners get to hear it again. I always like this. You're the only person in this show's history I ever let repeat jokes. I like your one-liners so much. Go ahead, William.

So I have a whistling album coming out in a couple weeks. Oh, this is not a one-liner. It's about what it sounds like. Just my brother and me whistling songs like Jingle Bells. The Night Before Christmas. Where'd the cookies go? Smells like Dad's been down

here. Who put so many logs on the fire? What the fuck, dude? Why does he have to drink so... Red Van, stop! No, you stop, man. Why does he have to drink so... Redvein, stop! No, you stop, man. Why does he have to drink so much? Get behind the sofa, he'll see you. Who's he yelling at? Oh my God, what has happened?

Stop saying that and get behind the sofa. He's staring right at you. How doesn't he see you? With classics like Get Under the Porch, I Hear His Truck Coming Up the Driveway, Please Eat It, He'll Just Get More Mad If You Don't, and It's Not a Ghost in the Closet,

It's Just That. Alright. William, is this your first time in Sacramento? Is this your first time up here? You been here before? William? It is.

I've never been here before. There was a really nice man I was talking to earlier named Patrick. I didn't understand what he was saying. It appeared he was Filipino. He looked Asian, but had a Hispanic name. Ah. Interesting.

That's probably my best joke. I opened up with Cat Stevens with that one, the guitar player. Are you a big Kings fan? Is he a what? Is he a big Kings fan? Sacramento Kings. Yeah. William, what do you think about that Bogdan 51 million contract extension?

Can you talk a little slower, please? You trying to say Bogdan? Yeah, Bogdan. Whatever. We call him Bogdan. Bogband? Yeah. All right.

There you go. Very good sports band. Good stuff. It's a Bogdan. It's from two other podcasts mashed together. William, do you know about Bogdan? I do. There's a really nice man, Richard Martinez, who runs it.

It's a hell of a website. Okay. That's not the question I asked you at all. What do you think about the Kings versus Melbourne? Okay, good stuff. So, William, is there anything else here in Sacramento you're excited to do? I am excited to go to the public library tomorrow. Hit me up on Instagram.

I need a ride tomorrow. I need someone to call me at 5.30. I have to call my parents. 5.30 a.m. or p.m.? I have to call my parents at 5.30 a.m. tomorrow. Wow. Please, a good Samaritan, hit me up, call my phone, wake me up.

Before you go, go. Who the fuck said that? All right. William, you are a goddamn anomaly. William traveled all the way up here with us today, everybody. You guys are happy to see him? Let's do a little live poll here. I've never done this before.

We're on the road. This is a real fucking Kill Tony audience, right? So let's do a live poll that I've never done before because we see a lot of love and hatred on the internet. I want to see how honest you guys are going to be. How many of you in this room love William Montgomery? Make some noise. All right.

Now I'm going to tell you this. All you YouTube commenters and people on Twitter and things like that. Cracker Barrel Cat 55, get out of here! My mom reads that! I'm in Sacramento! Hold on, William. I walked here!

It took me two weeks! Who the fuck said that? So let me finish this poll, because I want to see if anybody does anything here. So let's finish the test here. Is there anybody in the house, a real human tonight, who dislikes William Montgomery? Who the fuck said that?

This guy right here, is that true, sir? What do you not like about William? Free podcast listeners, you said, I think he's getting old. That's what that dude just said right now. This pizza's delicious. I'm not going to perform here tomorrow now.

No, no. You screwed up my entire week. This is delicious. William, is there anything... I'm not going to perform here tomorrow now. No, no. Is there anything you want to say? You screwed up my entire week. You piece of shit. Oh, yeah, I brought it... What? The guy said you brought it tonight, but he's still also,

even after that, rooted for disliking you, William. Is there anything you want to say? You're really going to do that to me? What would make it up... What could he do to make it up to you, William? Is there anything you want to say? You're really going to do that to me? What would make it up? What could he do to make it up to you, William? Blow me a kiss. Oh! He did it! Look at that!

William's smiling. He blew one back. Thank you so much. I'd like to give it up for my cousin, Taylor Forstek. He's a big Florida Gator fan. Guys, we all love him. You love him. Make some noise for William Montgomery.

So much fun. He's going to be with us all weekend. We got a lot of shows ahead of us. This is the first time we've ever done a run like this, I do believe. A lot of shows coming up. A little fun fact, if any of you are bored on Friday or Saturday, I think there is a couple tickets left to the actual Kill Tony Mania

where there's going to be even more special guests and special treats joining us, joining panel. It's a special show that we only do in San Francisco and there's just a few tickets left, I do believe. So just a heads up on that. Speaking of special treats and special things,

would you guys like another special treat? I don't know. It doesn't seem like you guys really like special treats. All right. Well, in that case, I should tell you that we have another regular on this show. He is a brand new regular. He's only done one spot other than being pulled out of the bucket and being given random spots the last few weeks from me.

This is his second ever spot as a regular, and it is here on episode 400 live from Sacramento. I present to you the one and only David Lucas. Damn, it feels good to be a gangster. A real gangster has mega places, cars, right? Guys, you better make some fucking noise for David Lucas. Hell yeah. Come on, one more time, good and loud for David, everybody.

Hell yeah. Come on, one more time, good and loud for David, everybody. Small ass stage. A lot of white kids go missing through kidnapping and their parents killing them and shit. And I think I realize why a lot of black kids don't go missing. Because them motherfuckers are too valuable come tax season return time.

Like, for real, you think daddy about to miss out on $2,500? That's new rims for the Cadillac. Like, a black kid might go missing in November or December, but best believe January 1st, they ass gonna be found. Like, bitch, if you don't get the fuck out of them woods. My uncle filed a tax return on his son that was missing. He was like, that nigga ain't dead.

He just ain't found. I need that $2,500 boom boom another new minute from David Lucas how fucking exciting is that so fresh and so clean

outcast can I step back? How you doing, David? I'm chilling, man. Shit. David Lucas came up here with us tonight, everybody, to be here with you. And you, and you, and you, and you, and you. Yeah, I was the only black person on the Sprinter van. And by the way, another fun fact.

We all ate at Wendy's today. He ran across the highway to eat Popeye's. That's true. I did not eat Popeye's. Yes, you did. the highway to eat Popeyes. That's true. I did not eat Popeyes. You did. I ate at some fucking buffet. But you went to Popeyes first. They just didn't have what you wanted. Yeah, they didn't sell fish.

You don't try to make it look like he's being racist. Yeah, he's like, I did not eat at Popeyes. Four lanes of traffic. They didn't have what I wanted. It was like five lanes. Five lanes, I know. Oh, my goodness. And then a motherfucker offered to sell me Coke in the parking lot. I'm like, bitch, I'm too big to do Coke.

Yeah, absolutely. You ain't got no weed brownies? You know what I'm saying? No, I like your style. Another hilarious minute. Welcome, welcome, David Lucas. So funny. I'm so glad you're part of the show,

joining the wild and crazy William Montgomery. I think you two contrast each other very well and I'm not just talking about the fucking, you know what I mean. Old Testament and New Testament or something. Something like that. So welcome, welcome. You talked about great stuff

right down the barrel. A minute of absolutely hilarious material. Yeah. So what did you end up eating today? What did you end up getting? Fish, nigga. That's right, because you're a pescatarian. We just said this. It's a pescatarian.

That's right. And clearly, as you can tell by his shape, it's Swedish fish that he eats. You did have Swedish fish. Tony ate an acai bowl with a piece of fried chicken. Tony's a gentrified black person. He's in white face right now.

A fun fact is that I actually did have an acai bowl and chicken the other day for food. But not today. And you were probably listening to DMX. You're actually right about that. I've been on a 90s rap terror. You had to bite your lip when the N-word came on? Yeah, well. I mean,

I'm going to be honest with you, David. I don't, I say the N-word when I'm at my house listening to DMX. By myself. I mean, I say it hard-word when I'm at my house listening to DMX. By myself. I mean, I say it hard. Why you... I mean...

I can see you saying the N-word in the shower naked. Where my niggas at? Drop. Sorry. No, that's good. Fuck yeah. No, I love it, man. You got me spot on.

You're absolutely right. I can tell, Tony. You know what's funny about me and you? Let me tell you something that I think is true. I think I'm blacker than people think I am. But I think that you're whiter than people think you are. Hell yeah, bro. I listen to Matchbox 20.

I think that you're whiter than people. Hell yeah, bro. I listen to Matchbox 20. I said I don't know if I've ever been good enough. I'm a little bit rusty. I want to push you around. Yeah, I will. Well, I will. And I will.

And I will. I want will. And I will. And I will. I want to take you for granted. Yeah. I will. I will. Wow, dude. I feel like you could sell out arenas just covering Matchbox 20. I mean, I listen to black shit like Biggie Smalls.

You know what I'm saying? Right. I can do Biggie Smalls, though. You can? What does that sound like? You can do a Biggie Smalls, you know what I'm saying? I can do Biggie Smalls, though. What does that sound like? You can do a Biggie Smalls? Super Nintendo, Psycho Genesis. When I was there, bro, can you

couldn't picture this? 50 inch screen, money green leather sofa. Got two rides, the limousine with the chauffeur. And if you don't know... Now you know. I wanna push you around when I want to push you around when I will,

when I will. What's the other one he got? And she said, baby, it's 3 a.m., I must be lonely. You singing white people's songs is my favorite thing of all time. Of all time. You heard it here

What's that song I wake up to every morning? Wake me up from here Wake me up inside You like Evanescence? Yeah Wow, you listen to the whitest music This is incredible Wow

Hey, three doors down Wow, listen to this Kryptonite, how you gonna do that to me, man? He puts the kryp in kryptonite Wow, Chroma Chris knows this one I don't know the words This is the last guy you want This is the last guy you want

living three doors down from you. Tony, I wouldn't want you living above or below me, motherfucker. It might smell like zoo up in there. Wait, why would it smell like zoo? Because you know you got them wood chips for your bedding. What? Tony sleep on cedar chips. That motherfucker is an angry beaver

in disguise as a white person oh my god you're actually right I sleep on wood chips Tony built a dam in his pool I sleep on wood chips and David sleeps on potato chips built a dam in his pool. That's true. I sleep on wood chips and David sleeps on potato chips. Live together in perfect harmony.

All right. David, I fucking love you, man. You are a stone cold assassin. We have so much fun every time we're around each other. By the way, a fun fact. I ain't bringing no merch, but y'all motherfuckers can give me $20 anyway. Hey, look at that. I like

that. I like that. Absolutely. And, you know, David and I have a very fun chemistry. When we first saw each other at what the fuck was it? Like 9.15 this morning, we started guns a blazing with jokes on one another cracking

each other up we got a black sprinter van he was like yeah i got a vehicle that looks like you yeah it's like this it's a 20 22 foot long six foot high black box you guys are like it's too early to crack jokes man fuck told it you guys are like oil and vinegar. You can't say that shit. Say that shit with an A-H. Yeah, I said vinegar. No, no. Yeah, David. David. I said...

That deserves a real Joel Berg chair right there. I'm telling you. You gotta say vinegar, not vinegar. That's what I said. Motherfucker, you Hispanic, but you can still get pimp slapped. I welcome it. David, have you been up to Sacramento before?

Hell no. Guys, how about you show him how much you love him and his first appearance in Sacramento here tonight. David Lucas, everybody. Love you, man. If I go crazy, then will you still call me Superman? If I'm alive and well, will you be there holding my hand?

I'll take you by my side with my superhuman, my kryptonite. Yeah! You guys having fun out there? Should we go back to this bucket one more time? What a great audience. Yeah, you're damn motherfucking right. Goddamn Sacramento. We drove six hours for this shit.

Better be a fucking good audience. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Eric Newell, everyone. Eric Newell. Let's see what happens here. Eric Newell. Everybody's hands go up. Hey! Step back from, step back from, step back from that ledge,

that ledge, that ledge. Step back from that... Oh, put your hands together for Eric Newell, everybody. How do you follow that shit up? Well, I'll give it up for Kill Tony's 400th episode. My dad, big anniversary.

My dad also just had a big anniversary. One year anniversary of robbing a bank. Dude, it's real talk. When I tell people that, it's like, oh, your dad robbed a bank? That's fucking awesome. Like, no. He walked in. He passed a note. He got the money. He passed it right back.

He sat in the fucking lobby. Cops got there. Arrested him. It's like, man, that didn't even make the news, didn't make the paper. The only thing it did was disgrace the family name. It's like, what am I supposed to do to like get the family name back? Rob the bank like Rambo? It's like, no. Only reason I wouldn't do that is trying to find that girl Trying to spy Trying to find that special girl But I like the nerdy girls

You can't find them here You can't find them at the bar Woo You gotta find them at the Go ahead Go ahead finish it Gotta find them Gotta find the nerdy girls

Find them at the comic shop And the only way to get them Is with a booster pack Or 20 sided, but it ends right there, sir. Eric Newell, everybody. Let's talk about it. Let's get into this. Step back from that

motherfucking ledge. I feel... And just stay there. I just feel like you disgrace the family name more than your dad. Dude, you're starting on Saturday. You're starting. Wow.

So that's true. Your dad robbed a bank a year ago? Yes, sir. Okay. And he got in trouble for it? Yeah. They put him in jail, but it's like they should just let him go. How long did he have the money for?

Was it a couple days or did they immediately catch him? And how much money did he get? Zero! Zero bucks, got in trouble immediately. So what ended up happening? He handed them a note or something? He passed the note. What did the note say?

Do you know exactly what it said? Give me all your money. He hasn't talked to me since. Well, there you go. That beats you! Jesus Christ. Is that your friend over there? Do you know that guy at all? No, I think my dad hates that guy because

you could have said something better, motherfucker. Oh. Damn, I like a guy that'll bomb for 60 seconds but won't take shit from a heckler. I like this. Dude, if your name is Jeff, suck my dick. Ah, Jeff.

What's my pillow doing here? Heckler, what's going on over there? Do you know this guy or something? Not at all. I figured his dad made zero dollars for the robbery, though. But then you said that nobody loves him. What's your problem with this guy? You said something.

There was something else. I can't remember the exact verb. You said no one loves him or something like that? Dad doesn't love him? Is it just you're a little bit drunk or something? Or what's going on over there? My dad got more reaction from Robin or Bank than your fucking bitch-ass comment did.

Oh, look at that. Suck our dick, man. Suck our dick. Wow. Little little assist from Curtis there. Fuck. Yeah. Oh, look at that.

Oh, he wants some more. Curtis, why don't you shove something in his butthole for Christ's sakes? Wow. My God. Is that that same guy? Is that guy still yelling over there? Did you sign up, sir? You signed up and now the anger is getting at you because you're realizing that you're not getting up tonight because we said one more time?

Wow. Dude, you can... You should just... Are you coming back tomorrow? There you go. I guess you're not, then. Dude, that dude could suck Moby's dick.

That's right, Moby. Don't let anybody do that to you. These people should praise you. They should praise you like they should. So let's talk about it, Eric Newell. You really like nerdy girls? Is that true? I do. Heck yeah. Could you get any girl that wasn't nerdy?

Probably not. What's your success rate with nerdy girls? You don't want to know that. Why is that? It's been good, but the love life has struggled lately.

Why is the love life struggling? Keep the mic up to your mouth. Stop dropping it down to your cock like that. It's getting very weird. Just keep it up there. What do you mean your love life's struggling?

Well, it's recently. Went back to the apps about three months ago, but I had the girl in my hands. I thought she was the one, but out of nowhere... Jesus, this sounds like a rape. I had her in my hands. Yeah.

She was dead, but... Yeah, Tony, I feel like I need to ask her out on one more date, but I'm scared. What do you mean? What are you scared of? You have absolutely nothing to lose. Do you have her number? Yes, sir.

Do you want to call her right now? Seems like you have nothing to lose at all. I mean, just call her and ask her if she wants to go on another date. All right. You guys got to be super quiet, though. Everyone has to be really quiet, seriously. And if it goes to voicemail, just remove the phone immediately. And as soon as you hit send, hit speaker and put the bottom end to the tip of the microphone.

But if it goes to voicemail, remove it right away. And you guys all shut up, especially you. You and you. Seriously. It'd be weird if we kicked you out before the end of the show, right? So shut the fuck up. Alright, this is exciting. And you could say you're on this show. You don't have

to say it. No pressure. Put that... That's an incorrect number. She got her phone disconnected. Dude, he just dialed the number 536. 555-1234. Dude, this chick's number is 911, bro. All right, here we go.

There you go. Hello? Hey, Jen. Hello, it's me, Eric. I'm on Kill Tony. Nice. Yeah, that's a response Eric. I'm on Kill Tony. Nice. Yeah, that's a response I figured you would give me. So, this is a question I have for you.

Would you like to go on one more date? Because I'm kind of maybe... We should go on one more date because we have unfinished business. Are you ready for this? Stop laughing. Okay, business. Are you ready for this? Stop laughing. Okay, okay. Are you ready? So, did you hear that shit or no?

So, will you go on another date with Eric? I think I will, too. Yes, yes. Wow. That's incredible. Hey, what's up? This is Curtis here. How you doing?

I can't really hear you guys at all. Hey, I said this is Curtis. What's up, girl? So I was wondering, I know we've never met before, but are you an anal? So I was wondering, I know we've never met before, but are you an anal? What'd she say? I've seen the show. I'm not going to answer that.

Oh! Hey, all I'm saying is that's not a no. Hell yeah, that's right. One in the Curtis, two in the Hurtus. You know what I'm saying? How about a big hand for Eric, everybody? He's going to get that second date. Normally, that'd be the end of the episode. We'd be out of here and happy at an hour and 47.

That would be considered a long episode, we'd be out of here and happy at an hour and 47. That would be considered a long episode, even for the road. But, you know, we only have one show tonight. I don't know. If you guys are down for it... That's gonna feed now. But I mean, you guys do understand that

normally that would be a momentum-filled ending and the fact that we're going later is just for you, right? You do get that. You understand that it doesn't make sense for us to go longer.

We don't need to go longer. Alright. We haven't had a female on stage all night tonight. I'm going to pick from the bucket until we get a lady. Does that sound good to you guys? All right. Let's fucking do this shit. All right.

Let it begin. I apologize to Dustin. I apologize to Ellis. Blank. Al Shaman is not a girl. Matt Kinney. Bruce Lerner Here we go, we're gonna get there people

I promise, not a lot of ladies signed up tonight, Parker Newman is a guy, correct, Robert is certainly a guy Hunter McGregor, I apologize Ashton Tate Jake Risley Brandon, thought that said

Brandy for a second. Reed Bendix. Is that a girl or a boy? R-E-I-D. That's a guy? That's a guy for sure. That's a meth-y fucking guy first name. Let's name him Reed. Fucking Sacramento.

Is there a female that signed up? No. We're going to get it. Yes. There's always a female that signed up. We're going to go through this the fucking fair old-fashioned way. Ooh. Oh, I think that's one.

I'll tell you this. I've never seen a Danny spell his name with an I before. Or the handwriting. How about Danny D? Is she here, everyone? Danny D? D-A-N-N-I-D? Is Danny D out there?

Let's give a little lobby check real quick. I'm going to keep searching in the holster. There's always comedians, and I guess I'll say this now because we don't talk about it a lot, and a lot of people ask. If there's ever a local comedian that's done comedy multiple times and the club knows them, they don't have to buy tickets to the show. They can always just sign up and wait in the lobby or the hallway or outside. That's Danny D right there? Nope, that's not what I asked for. We are going through the, like I said, we have a fair way of doing this,

and it's letting the bucket of destiny choose. And I guarantee you this person's here. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Bridget Bennett, everybody. Bridget Bennett. Let's see what happens here. Here she comes. I see her. She's coming out of the audience.

This very easily could be her first time. Probably a new comedian. You guys going to help her out? Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Bridget Bennett I bet you can tell by looking at me that I get laid a lot what's white and 12 inches long? Absolutely nothing. I saw this commercial on TV, and it said, come on down, we'll treat you like family. And I thought, what if your family treats you like shit?

I have a roadworking father and he was stealing from the job and all the signs were there. The other day I traded signs for a child and it was the best damn trade I've ever made. All right, that's all I got. Fuck yeah. Wow.

Unbelievable. My mind is completely blown. My mind is completely blown. What a great little fucking clip that is. Me talking about how the bucket of destiny will decide. When someone was trying to, somebody here was obviously doing a favor for somebody that's fucking,

what about Wendy? Whoa! And I'm like, no, the bucket of destiny will decide, and you are just fucking, you are comedy in a fucking nutshell. Look at you. Thank you very much. I mean, wow.

One of the best sets of the night, right? Blatantly the best set of the night. Came out with a guns a blazing fucking opener. Making fun of you. Making fun of yourself. Owning it. That's exactly what this shit is all about. You're unbelievable.

What the fuck are you? Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for ten years. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I absolutely love it.

My god. I can't believe that we're gonna have an even better ending than we would have had had we gotten off on the last comedian. Yeah, that guy wasn't very good. That's incredible. You're pregnant.

No, I'm just fat. Is that true? Get the fuck out of here. Are you fucking with me? Why would you do that? There's no way that's possible. It's okay. Everybody says that. Is that true?

No, I'm just really fat. Get the fuck out of here. It's okay. I got it. I'm used to it. Really? Yeah. Wow, that's incredible.

You're a badass motherfucker. You just rock that shit like it's nothing. I'm not the Hollywood skinny. That's what happens. I mean, you have never done a fucking sit-up in your life, have you? You only get out of bed like rolling on your stomach and then pushing yourself up and then sort of like... My friend suggested

that I do sit-ups, but I just don't. It's like hard. I bet. Yeah, I can't really handle it. Now you've really painted yourself into a corner. You are unbelievable. Yeah, I can't really handle it. Now you've really painted yourself into a corner. I don't like hiking either. You are unbelievable. You live here in Sacramento?

No, I live in Oregon. Oh, wow. How long are you in town for? Tomorrow I'm coming back to watch your show. Yeah? And then what? How about this weekend? Anything else?

Just tomorrow? And then you go back to Oregon after that? Then I go back to my life as a sample girl. As a what? Sample girl. What's that? Then I go back to my life as a sample girl. As a what? Sample girl. What's that? I sell stuff. Wow.

Samples. That's so cool. I sell like Maybelline, L'Oreal. Oh, Avon lady. No, L'Oreal, Maybelline. You sell Maybelline and L'Oreal and they're like, man, this shit doesn't work. Yeah. Nothing can make me beautiful.

That's not true. No, that's not true at all. No, that's not true at all. No, that's not true at all, Bridget. You are absolutely stunning. I'd still hit it, don't I? Absolutely. It's called nagging what I just did to you, girl. Pregnant, pregnant and all, yeah.

And you are absolutely so funny. And since you're going to be here tomorrow, what And you are absolutely so funny And since you're gonna be here tomorrow What do you say we just pencil you in For an automatic spot tomorrow, huh? Is that okay? You have another minute? We'll get another new minute from Bridget Bennett Tomorrow night

Bridget Bennett, everybody Now that is a way to do 400 episodes of Kill Tony. Am I right, people? Mind-boggling. The great Ryan J. Ebelt is here. He drew this episode. Look at that, everybody. Incredible.

While you all sat there doing nothing, he drew that from start to finish. A big 400 with everybody in it. Plus, he drew special posters that will be for sale after the show. We'll sign them all for you. We'll take a picture with you if you get one or whatever. There's other things as well. There's the official new Kill Tony pin.

There is the new Kill Tony T-shirt. New Kill Tony shirt. I also went through my closet and got all the old school Death Squad shirts that have been out of print and stuff. There's a lot of little Easter eggs out there if you need them. There you go. Literal Easter eggs he found in his closet. He's going to be selling after the show. There's also the Tony Hinchcliffe pin available for sale.

Is that the big gay Tony Hinchcliffe pin? Yeah, it's a big gay Tony Hinchcliffe pin? Yeah, it's a big gay Tony Hinchcliffe pin. And if you want, I will draw my own big gay mustache on with a Sharpie marker for you. It's the gayest pin available. I shoved every single one of them up my butt and in my pee hole. That's how gay they are. But there is nothing gayer than the band's calendar. How about a hand for the band, everybody?

Come on. How loud can this place get? Possibly get for the great Jeremiah Watkins, huh? Jeremiah wonders new episodes. He's on YouTube at Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah wonders

as new episodes. We just did a roadcast on the way here today, which is going to be an exciting one. What else, Jeremiah? I got a few headlining dates. November 16th in Huntington Beach. November 29th through 30th in St. Louis. And then Kansas City, December 19th

through 21st in Chicago. And Zany's January 2nd through 4th just added. Silent but deadly, he batted 1,000 tonight, as always. How about another hand for Chroma Chris, everybody on the guitar. Chroma, what did you think about tonight's episode? It varsity blew my mind, Tony. All right, there you go. I still count it at 1,000.

The stats end once the Katamari music hits. And this is it. How about one last big pop? The one and only, defended his throne and retained Joel Berg-Joel Jimenez. He's on social media mostly. Sorry. He's also a big part of the Big Gay calendar that is available for sale. There's literally thousands remaining.

It's the gayest calendar you'll ever buy. And it's for the year 2020. So you're thinking, wow, we need to buy these before the year 2020 comes. That's how calendars work, you idiot. We're not selling 2019 calendars, dummy.

Well, sometimes it's easy to forget something that nobody's bought for the last 10 years. Dude, my uncle's heart gave out. We're doing a fundraiser for these calendars. How do you think fundraisers do it now? That is not true. When he says there's a 2020 calendar, that's how many we have left. If you have a lot of calendars left over, you have nothing to do with it.

Like, you're going to be using that to wrap presents and shit. Dude, let's prove them wrong tonight, Sacramento. Yeah, they're going to wrap presents for it because everybody they know, they're just going to wrap other calendars with the calendars. All right. Oh, my God. I mean, this ended up being absolutely

so much fun. There's nowhere I'd rather be spending episode 400 than in a crazy fucking California city like Sacramento. I love you guys.

We had a blast. How about a hand for Red Band, everybody? Thanks a lot, guys. We love you. Good night. Hey, David and William, come on.

Let's take a photo, you assholes. Yeah, let's take a photo, everybody. ច្រូវាប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ Outro Music