KILL TONY - KILL TONY #401

Episode Date: October 21, 2019

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 10/17/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack. Only at Kudo. Conditions. Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack, only at CUDO. Conditions apply. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every episode of Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live we are this week going to be in australia october 25th

brisbane october 26 melbourne october 27th sydney and then november 7th we are in washington dc we added a second show because the first show sold out so check us out in washington dc november 7th december 12th we're going to be in our hometown, Columbus, Ohio, at the Newport Music Hall. December 14th, we're going to be in Pittsburgh. December 15th, in Cleveland. So go to Death Squad and click on Tour Dates for all the up-to-date information and ticket links. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his stand-up shows and a bunch of merch.

Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He has a brand up shows and a bunch of merch. Check out Tony Hinchcliffe dot com. Ryan J. Ebel. He's the house artist. He has a brand new Kill Tony book shipping now. So go to Ryan J. Ebel dot com. And last but not least, Shop Squad dot TV.

There you have the official Kill Tony shirts that just went on sale and they're almost sold out. So you haven't got one. Give it now. We also have Death Squad hats and shirts brand new check it out shop squad dot tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is red band coming to you live from the road. Famous Punchline Sacramento for a brand new episode of Kill Time. Come on, Sacramento.

You can do better than that. Let's fucking go. Yeah. Episode 401 live from Sacramento. Brian Redman's here, everybody! Hey, everyone! Holy stromboli. This is exciting.

This is the road to Kill Tony Mania, which means there's special shows. Hey, look over here. It's so special that house artists all the way from Los Angeles, Ryan J. E. Belt is here, drawing tonight's episode. He has special Kill Tony Mania and Road to Kill Tony Mania posters available for sale.

A bunch of other cool, awesome prints from the history of Kill Tony available after the show. We're going to be signing them, taking pictures with you guys if you want, blah, blah, blah, blah. We are in Sacramento live. We're recovering. We all did meth last night. It was exciting. Best meth. We stick to our words.

We said episode 400 in Sacramento. We're all doing meth. And we fucking did it. We had a grand old time, and we are excited to be back. We are on the road tomorrow. Two more shows. Final tickets just released

for San Francisco Kill Tony Mania. Two shows tomorrow, two shows the next night in San Francisco. And then we go back on Monday for Kill Tony Back Home, which is going to be a very exciting episode. The great Josh Wolfe is going to be joining us again. And then we are off on Wednesday to Brisbane,

Australia, Melbourne, Australia, and Sydney, Australia. We come back. We go to D.C. for two Kill Tonys, the first ever Kill Tonys in the capital of the United States of America, Washington, D.C. And also four stand-up shows that I'll be headlining and spots from all your favorite Kill Tony cast members. And we just announced it. It's a big deal. December 12th, we're going back home, Columbus, Ohio. That's right.

That's right. It's a bunch of goddamn winners there. We're going back home. Columbus, Ohio. That's right. That's right. It's a bunch of goddamn winners there. We're going to be at the Newport Music Hall. And then December 14th, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, for the second time this year. This time we're doing the Rex Theater. And then the 15th, the Cleveland House of Blues, one of the coolest venues in Cleveland. One of the original House of Blues.

It's an amazing place. And then Calgary, Canada to start 2020. But this is episode 401. We're live here tonight. And that's all that really matters. How many of you were here for last night's show? Wow, that's a pretty good amount. How many of you are here?

This is your first Kill Tony ever. Wow. Ooh, this is exciting. That's a perfect little's a perfect little, I like that, perfect little balance. This is exciting stuff. We had a lot of fun last night. We're excited to be back. As with all of our road episodes, we're going guestless tonight. However,

believe it, I know you're going to find this hard to believe, but there is a band here tonight. Every single episode of the show, they commit to being and staying in different characters. Sometimes it's a group of characters that we've seen before on a previous episode of the show. Sometimes it's a brand-new character that they're debuting

on this episode live. We never know what they're going to be. They have separate dressing rooms than us. So we're all going to find out what they are together. They're going to join us for the entire show. They are the best damn band in the land. They're the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris is here live in Sacramento. This is interesting intro music. I think, could it be? Wait a second. I hear a lot of hoops and hollers in this crowd.

Oh, boy. Wow. We've seen these guys before. I believe these are lawyers. I'm pretty sure, right? I think so, yes, absolutely. I mean, I guess they're lawyers. I think so.

I mean, I guess they're lawyers. I think so. I've never seen Jeremiah look less like a lawyer than he does right now. This is a soul glow. I'm Slick McLowry, and I guarantee I will get you off. Oh, wow. Slick McLowry. I'm definitely writing that one down. My goodness.

Lowry. I'm definitely writing that one down. My goodness. I've never seen a white guy with such African-American hair before. I think that's the proper word. I'm from Manchester. Oh, wow. Manchester, England. That's in England

for those of you from Modesto that don't know your geography. And then over there we have the great Chroma. Chris is a lawyer tonight. Look at this guy. How are you, Chroma? Good.

My name is Colin Becker, DUI defense attorney. Because everyone should feel safe with your drinking and driving habits. Wow, look at that. I think they have a two-drink minimum. I think they agree with you. And then back here, we clearly have a young Mexican George Washington. This is really exciting. The first president of the United States, teeth made of wood.

He does not tell a lie. A bunch of crazy shit. How are you? I've never seen a brown guy with such white hair before. This is incredible. You look like a goddamn, like one of those carrot cake cupcakes or something. Vanilla frosting on that sweet, sweet carrot cake. Passing the bar exam is extremely stressful.

Name's Jimmy Denver. Jimmy Denver. Yeah, and I just checked with the court stenographer. Last time he called me a Mexican Bill Clinton. Oh, wow, is that true? That is absolutely true. I cannot tell a lie. Joelberg is here.

We haven't even started the show. And he's scorching hot. Now, believe it or not, even though I could sit up here and talk with these guys forever, that's not even the show. I got this bad motherfucker right here, everybody. This is the actual bucket of destiny. It never goes on the road with us, but we figured Sacramento, San Francisco, why the fuck not? We're driving. We're taking a fucking crazy van Let's bring the actual bucket We would never take this thing on a fucking airplane with us

What part of your bag would you even keep that in? Nothing So we have the actual bucket A bunch of people signed up before the show It's really exciting stuff You have the chance to do stand-up comedy Sometimes it's a goddamn amazing comedy vet We had somebody on last night's show that came in

and fucking destroyed. She's gonna go up at some point tonight, which is very exciting. But other than that, it could also be something... We had people's first times. We had people that have been doing it three months. We had people that have been doing it four years. You never know how they're gonna do, and sometimes

it's not how you think it would go. Point is, you get 60 seconds. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry Lavender Heights Bear. That's the right reference. We did it. We did it. How about a hand for the wait step

that helped me figure out what the gayest possible local bear would be. The stairs are right here. This is the only way to get on this stage. Do not go through anybody's tables. Do not try to come up from that side, whatever you do. Then you get 60 seconds uninterrupted, and then we talk to you, find out more about you and your life, what the hell makes you interesting.

You guys ready to start this show or what? This is it. This is the final stop on the road to Kill Tony mania. And it starts with your first comedian. And your first comedian will go by the name of Jesse Barahona. Jesse Barahona. I bought the law and the law won. Big Cleveland rocks, Cleveland rocks.

Oh, not seeing any movement. All right. Jesse Barahona. We have a Jesse Barahona coming from maybe out there. Phillip? No. She's snapping one off? I don't believe she's snapping one off? I don't believe she's snapping one off.

Goodness. She better not be. That's a felony in 13 states. Whoa. That's a real lawyer right there. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Eric Jawi. Eric Jawi.

I've fought the law and the law won. Cleveland Rocks. Cleveland Rocks. What the fuck is going on here? All right. Is that Eric? Oh, here he comes. Here he comes.

Eric Jolly, everybody. It's quite the system. They're containing all the comedians In the sleep train mattress store Here he is, Eric Jawi One more time for Eric, everybody Your first comedian of the night What's up?

I'm married, I love my wife She's awesome But I'll tell you what If being gay was a choice, I'd consider it. Not for the dick. I'd do it for the bathroom counter space. My wife has the whole thing covered. There's no room for me. I'd take a few loads to the face just to have somewhere to put my shaving cream.

You think I want to grow this beard? I just have nowhere to put my razor. My wife's black. Honestly, I didn't know a little white guy like me could get with a black girl. She used to hang around me all the time, but I thought she was just trying to steal my wallet. But it's cool being in an interracial relationship, because she teaches me about black culture. I teach her about white things. We go hiking and camping a lot.

We eat a lot of mayonnaise. Whenever we shower, I make sure we use just the bar of soap, no washcloth. Wow, there you go. You fought the law and the law won. Welcome to the show. Eric Jowie? Jowie. Jowie.

Hell yeah. Jowie wowie. You said you're white? Yeah, I'm having trouble believing this. It looks like you fought a law and a law won. Wow. Yeah, what kind of white are you? Are you, do you think, like, I mean, like... The guilty kind. Do you think you're trying to get through TSA right now or something?

I'm half Polish, half French. Really? It's funny, though, because before I had my beard, I looked exactly like the Boston Bomber. No, you still do. I mean, I love that you think growing out a fucking giant pubic beard makes you look less like a terrorist.

Even the other Middle Eastern guys are laughing at you right now. My goodness. That's what they told you? Half Polish, half French? That's what they say. Listen, son, half French? That's what they say. Listen, son, whatever you do, tell them that you're Polish and French. And when I give you the cue, hit the button on the cell phone.

All right. Wow. So, Eric, is this where you're from? You're from Sacramento? I've been out here about six years. Six years. Right after the Boston Marathon. Why do you keep mentioning that over and over again?

Did you maybe get away with something and got off? No, I'm good. I moved from Connecticut, so I was just south of Boston, too. So it was very coincidental. My goodness. That's how you end up like that. It's Connecticut. Connecticut makes everybody sound and seem that white.

You feel like you're white. You were just raised around white kids. I've seen this happen before with kids that are raised around tigers and things. They walk around on all fours and they pretend like they think they're a tiger and you think you're a white guy. I do my best. I love that. How long have you been with your black wife?

We've been together about seven years. Seven years. There you go. Where'd you guys meet? How'd that happen? You guys were at a conference for non-white people? Yes, where were you the night that you met your wife? We worked together at

Verizon. Oh, fuck yeah. Can you hear me now? Look at that. I like that. Heck yeah. She gave you a warm reception Look at that. I like that. Heck yeah. She gave you a warm reception, huh? She gave me that 4G. Heck yeah. What'd you guys...

Let me guess. After that, you went to four bars? You got the best service in the business. It's a... We met at Verizon and started dating joke. Four bar... All right. Clearly a lot of T-Mobile people in this room tonight.

That's right. So then what happened? How did you know that you guys had an interest in one another? Who sort of started it? You passed her a note? The whole part of me not thinking I could get with a black girl was 100% true. No, I believe you. We all know that you don't think you can get a black girl.

We're not even sure you could get a black girl. We're not even sure you could get a brown girl, actually. Too white for the brown girls is like Goldilocks. She definitely let me know. How'd she let you know? It was a work outing. A few drinks in us. Yeah? And then what'd she say?

You remember there was a moment where you're like, holy shit, I think I have a chance. Yeah, I wish I could remember the exact moment. We were at the casino. I think I lost money. Hell yeah, and you're like, you wanted to play some blackjack. Let me put it in your slot.

Yeah. Hell yeah. So what happened? You remember the moment? You're at the casino. You're rolling the dice. Snake Eyes comes up, and you're like, let's fucking make out, you black chick.

I want to bet it all on black. Yeah. Fucking double or nothing, right? Did you go all in or just the tip? I mean, I'm white. I got to go all in. Again, we don't believe you. You can say it as many times as you want

so then what happened you're at the casino there must be again you're giving us like a broad thing but I want to know the moment it's cheesy but you know it gets the job done so there's a bar at the casino it had like a starry night

ceiling so I made a corny move we laid down on the carpet you know. It had like a starry night ceiling. So I made a corny move. We laid down on the carpet. We looked at the stars. Very Muslim. And then it flew away. We laid down on the carpet and we faced to the Mecca. A whole

new world. It's a starry night. You guys are laying down all of a sudden on the casino floor in what? Connecticut? Connecticut, yep. Mohegan. Oh my goodness. Mohegan Sun. Absolutely. And then what happened? And she started singing a song

that went like this. Oh, I guess we restarted it. It's a little bit of an intro on this one. I definitely want to be able to go home after this. Uh-oh. Wow. Was she tough on you? She told you don't talk about her?

No, we held hands. I talk about her. That's my whole bit is talking about her. You guys held hands? We held hands and we went home. It was cute. Wow. That's it? That's all whole bit. You guys held hands? We held hands and we went home. It was cute. Wow. That's it? That's all you guys ever did?

Yeah. He's starting to sound more and more white actually. Starting to believe his case. In the bedroom have you noticed a difference between a black woman and a white woman? Is there anything that sort of stands out to you? I didn't think that would be like that.

You know what I mean? Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Oh, yeah, no, it's true. I would never go back. Is that really true? 100%. I mean, you're married, so you really don't have a choice,

but I mean, like, you don't think you could ever perform for a white woman again? That would be impossible if there was a bunch of white women that came in here right now and they're like, man, we're in the mood to fuck a mediocre Middle Eastern guy. I'd weigh my options, but I'd still go for the black numbers and roulette. Wow, look at you. I got a question. Has she ever called you the N-word in bed?

Ooh, good question Yeah, but I'm not allowed to say it back Woo That's the best kind, dude Hell yeah, dude My goodness Does she do that pretty often or is it just a special treat Every once in a while

We save that for birthdays Just during February Joelberg is on fire We saved that for birthdays. Just during February. Joelberg is on fire. Wow. Eric, how long have you been doing stand-up? Actually, only since July. July. Very good. Heck yeah. Happy September 11th.

I don't even know why, so that doesn't even make any sense. So what made you want to start stand-up? I mean, I've always loved stand-up. I've been a fan of stand-up since I was a little kid. Sure. And you're like, I'm going to do it. You're what? How old?

34. 34 years old. And you just started in July. Yeah, I got in my head for like five years before I finally had the balls to come up here and do it. Right. What else do you do what else do you do? What do you do for work? I work for an e-commerce company.

Uh-huh. What do you do for fun? Um, we do, I do, I play sports, basketball, tennis, darts. I like to draw. Absolutely. You ever play sports with your wife? Basketball, perhaps? You know, I got the... I'd like to know

what some of the final scores of your games have been I think we would all like to know well you know Tony white men can't joke you know I was looking for I was thinking long run but I got the short end of the deal she's not very athletic and has poor hand eye coordination

wow my goodness you might not be white and she might not be black this is incredible well Eric fun way to start Wow. My goodness. You might not be white and she might not be black. This is incredible. Well, Eric, fun way to start the show. Very interesting stuff. You're talking about your real life. You're knocking it out for just starting in July. You're doing a hell of a job. You know what I mean? I'd say dig a little bit deeper just past the on the surface stereotype stuff. You know what I mean? Like hiking, camping, mayonnaise. Like those are white people things white people things try to think hard you know try to go one level harder you don't have to try to make these people laugh you're gonna have better luck using a reference that we haven't heard before

than something that we've heard a bunch you know what i mean yeah cool another time for another Jowie. Yowie. Wowie. There goes Eric Jowie. To start the motherfucking show. Got a bunch of lawyers up here. I would have loved it if you brought his wife up and it was just a white girl. A red-headed girl.

She's clearly black. Chroma Chris looks like elderly Ellen DeGeneres tonight. This is incredible. I just noticed. Elder DeGeneres? Is that a blank one? Batting 1,000. We had a blanker and perhaps a stanker.

We have another comedian coming up to the stage. Put your hands together for Dylan Stradler. Strader. Strader. Strader. Dylan. Hey, hey, hey. Here he comes. Here we go. Dylan Strader is making his way to the stage. Come on. One more time.

Good and loud for Dylan, everybody. Hello, everybody. Hello, hello! Sacramento, how are we doing tonight? Woo! Had a rough weekend, man. It's been sore all week. All day. Had to get some weed from dispensary. I picked up this weed

it was called Alaskan Thunderfuck. See, I don't know if it was from Alaska, I don't know, like, it doesn't make sense, why would they send it here? But that shit thunderfucked me all day. Three naps. I'm well rested. I recently cheated on my girlfriend and uh and let me tell you it's a lot like giving up a lifetime subscription for a seven-day free trial yeah that seven-day free trial might be the shit might be the best that you ever had but after them seven days, you start seeing them hidden fees. Clinginess.

Psychotic behaviors. Gonorrhea. Chlamydia. Wow. All right. There it is. For sure. The Lavender Heights Bear has arrived for the first time

here in Sacramento. Welcome, Dylan. I like your energy, man. That three nap shit's true, huh? Get to that microphone. Came up fucking growling like you were going to sing a song or something. Right into the mic. How to come out like Bono. There you go. Pull that mic out of the mic

stand there, you motherfucker. Dylan, so many questions after that. All right, all motherfucker. Dylan, so many questions after that. All right. Let's go reverse on you. How long have you been doing stand-up? Well, I've been writing for about eight to ten months.

I've actually been going on stage for about a month now. Oh, wow. That's great, man. For a month, that was amazing, right? Wouldn't you guys say so? I mean, I liked it. Some real interesting stuff there. Came up with some silly energy. I mean, look at you.

You just look like a fucking little Sacramento lab creation or something like that. Just look like a real fucking just fucking normal ass dude. So this is true. How long were you with your girlfriend for that you cheated on? She actually just broke up with me last week Last week So when did you cheat on her? Last week

We were dated for about six months I would say three weeks into the six months Three weeks into the six months So charming She let it slide for a while When did she find out? Three weeks in? Still haven't found out.

I'm a good secret holder. I'm a good secret holder. Oh, wow. Wave to the camera. Yeah. That was me. Hi, Haley. My goodness gracious.

Wow. She's getting fucking pounded by a black dude right now. Anyway, it's fine. Hopefully, hopefully she is. That's true. My God. So what made you cheat on her three weeks in? I mean, also three weeks in, you're barely dating.

You know, you got better options. You? How do you have better options? Hey, you know, I'm 22. Sometimes you just roll the dice and they say yeah. Wow. So this happened to you at a casino as well, huh? All in, all in.

All right, all right. So what do you do for work, Dylan? I'm actually a butcher. A what? A butcher. I'm a meat cutter. A butcher. Wow.

Heck yeah. Absolutely. I believe it. How long you been butching for? About a year. Heck yeah. Butching it up. You look like a butch lesbian.

Joel motherfucking Bird is here today. And it's spot on. You do look like a butch lesbian. I'm sure I'd pull some tails. Dylan. You look like a transgender Fred Durst. Fred Durst, all right. Absolutely true.

Get the soul patch going. You look like you did it all for the cookie. I'm a cake guy. Anyway, so Dylan. Wow. Did you really get gonorrhea and chlamydia from the chick that you cheated on her with? Unfortunately not.

Why unfortunately? You trying to lose weight in any way possible? I heard the AIDS was the way to go. Right. I gotta say. You've definitely been doing it for a month. I gotta say, yeah. There you go. You've definitely been doing it for a month. I like your style.

What do you like to do for fun, Dylan? Smoke weed, hang out with my friends, party, you know? Whatever every 22-year-old likes to do. Let me ask you this. You blamed your three naps today on smoking weed. Have you ever seen a heart doctor before? Yeah, I got the type 2. Do you really?

No, I'm just kidding. Oh, I see. You did it again. Oh, I'm the type 2. Do you really? No, I'm just kidding. I see. You did it again. Another one of those veteran style jokes you sneak in on me. Totally believable joke. I was concerned for your health for a second. You have any health conditions at all? You allergic to anything? Not yet.

That McDonald's is going to get me one day though. You're damn right it is. What do you like to get when you go to McDonald's? What's your favorite thing? Oh, man, I get the McChicken and the McDouble and make the McGangbang. You call it a McGangbang? That's the McGangbang.

Do other people do that? That's the McGangbang, right? Oh, you guys are fucking disgusting. A bunch of three-nap-a a day fucks in here, huh? That's why you have sleep train mattress on the same level as a comedy club. How are we in California right now? You guys are all aboard. Shut the fuck up, sir.

Jesus, look at this fucking guy. Paul Bear from WWE is here, ladies and gentlemen. The Undertaker's former manager. Very exciting stuff. Wow. Dylan, anything else crazy we should know about you? You seem like such an interesting guy. Whoa, some guy in the room.

I love that. Some guy that obviously knows you was like, tell him. Tell him. What the fuck is that? You know, Dylan Strader, comedy on Instagram, Chief Strader on Twitter. I didn't ask if there's anything you want to plug. I talk about cheating on my girl. Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, did you just have a fucking stroke right now?

I'm asking you what else in your life is interesting about you, and you started dropping credits or something like that. Yo, I'm Dylan Strader. Dylan Strader. Wow. I grew up with drug dealer parents. You know. We ladies are so lucky to date somebody like this guy.

You know, I got some stories. I know a lot of tweakers. Really? Is that true? I don't believe it. Alright. Both parents are drug dealers? I know how it is. All right. Both parents are drug dealers? At one point, yes. Wow.

What kind of drugs? Meth? Meth, coke, weed. Did they ever get high on their own supply, you think? You know, you got to candy flip. You got to try it all out, you know? You got to make sure that the products are good. You ever try any serious drugs?

No, no, no, not at all. I learned from my parents. I learned that not the way to go. Right, right. I turned my craziness onto the stage. Yeah. What do you think is the most intelligent thing about you? Like, what's an accomplishment you've

done where you're like, wow, I can't believe I finished this coloring book or like something like that. Like, what's something that you've done with your brain? Get a fantasy football and I can write about a fucking hour worth of comedy. That's about it. Put it all in. Heck yeah. Can't wait to see that

hour one day. Well, I mean, anything else for Dylan, guys? Are you some kind of singer? The way you greeted the crowd was very awkward. I just love Bono. I saw that on South Park one time.

So, hello, hello. Bono? Bono. You too? You too. I wouldn't dig too deep into this. Wow. I'd go with Elton John, though.

Rocket Man! Oh, my God. Wow. Yeah, there you go. Yep, should have though. Rocket Man! Oh my god. Wow. Yeah, there you go. Yep, should have gotten rid of you when I wanted to 40 seconds ago. Gave everybody a chance to get extra shit in. There he goes. He's Dylan Strader.

Yeah. There he is. A little fucking... Soft head. Yeah. Soft head and also a very soft body as well. The only thing hard on that guy is his cock. All right. Oh, wow.

This is interesting. I do believe I know this young lady. All the way from Boise. Put your hands together for Tamron Lloyd, everybody. Tamron Lloyd. I believe so. Maybe I'm wrong. Tamron Lloyd.

Okay. Are you okay? Are you okay, honey? Okay. Are you okay? Are you okay? Here she comes, everybody. It's about to fucking go down from the other side of the room.

Tamron Lloyd, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Hi. Okay, so as you've heard, my name is Tamron, right? So go ahead and think about it. Spell my name with me. T-A-M-R-O-N. Go ahead and take the R out and put the P.

What do you get? Fan-bloody-tastic mother. I appreciate that. that. Anyways, going back, we're going to rewind this to my seventh grade year. What you got? To my seventh grade year. And I had a substitute teacher in science. And he goes, tampon Lloyd. And it was really quiet. So I was like, oh god, I hope you never heard that. Two seconds later, Tampon Lloyd! As everybody's laughing at me,

I said, I stood up and I said, listen, my name is Tamron. Oh, shit. No, I mean, if that's not the end, if there's more you want to do, then please, if there's an end to that.

You know, that bear scares me. I warned my friends about it. Okay, I guess that was the end of the joke. No, no, no. Tamron. No, no, no. Hold on, relax, relax. Relax, Tamron.

I don't know what's going on. You have a new drug addiction or something like that? What's going on here? You're a drug addiction or something like that? What's going on here? You're a little bit loopy right now? Tony, I... Hold on. Let's check in with Chroma Chris over here. I think I just found my first client for tonight.

Tamron, how's it going over here? Is this your first time doing stand-up? Tamron's first time ever, everybody. Tamron used to run a comedy club in Boise, Liquid Laughs, correct? Absolutely. Then you decided, now you live around Sacramento, correct? Microphone, yep. Redding, California.

Northern California, and you decided to start stand-up comedy tonight. Yep. What made you want to do this? Because it makes me happy. Does it? Yeah, it does. You feel happy right now? Yes, I do. Aw, that's so sweet. I like that.

Is it something you've always wanted to do? Not always, no. Oh, okay. Just recently. The no. Oh, okay. So no to both and you don't have a drug problem. Very good. I do not do drugs. I might drink alcohol once in a while, but no drugs.

Maybe four times a while, too? Welcome back to the Real Housewives of Sacramento. Come on. This is a fucking Modesto 9 right here. What are you talking about, guys? Place goes crazy. You guys love your Modesto jokes out here, huh? Oh, look, clearly a girl from Modesto shaking her head no in the front.

Tony, can I talk now? Tony, can you talk now? What exactly do you want to talk about, Tamron? I just want to say that I appreciate you letting me go on stage for the first time ever in my life. Wow, you're so drunk. Can I finish my joke?

You want to finish the tampon Tamron joke? Okay, go right ahead. Let's hear the end of it. Anyways, so the teacher says... Do we all kill ourselves at the end of this? It's just like a... I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Tamron, it's a comedy show.

It's debatable. You know you didn't have to have your two-drink minimum before the show started, right? You could have taken your time. What's two-drink minimum? I don't understand. I know, all right. In the case of State of California versus Basic Bitch,

Basic Bitch is found guilty. Tamron, you're okay. Finish the joke. So the tampon, the tamron, you switch the R to the fucking P. Go ahead. So. Go ahead. I stand up and I say, my name is Tamron,

but if you're going to call me tampon, you better either call me super tampon or slender tampon. Who's driving you tonight? You have a friend here, right? I'm not drunk. I was not drunk. I'm not drunk. Perfect answer. You want to do our first ever DUI test here on Kill Tony, huh? All right.

Let's go. I object. Objection. Objection. You do not need to take that. Don't lean on the table. What do you want to do? You want to do like the foot out one?

Come here. Stand next to me. Face that way. Don't face me like that. I have a funny Come here. Stand next to me. Face that way. Don't face me like that. Nope, nope, nope. Face that way. So we're going to stand on our left foot and we put, here, we'll leave some space here. Let's just relax on the music for a second here so the audience can hear what I'm saying.

Can you move that dog shit purse out of the fucking way? That shit on the ground where it belongs. We don't need to be this close. Just a half a step there. You stay right there. Alright, now we're going to take... Is this right? About six... Wait, I don't know if I can pass this. Does shit work for weed too? So about six inches up.

Right foot. Just do what I'm doing. Like that. And stay balanced. One one thousand to ten. You can do it. Yeah. Come on. I'm doing it. Just do what I'm doing. If you want to take your shoes off for this, you can feel free. I can't do it. You already smell like unshoed feet.

No, I'm kidding. I'm joking. I'm joking, Cameron. Do you really want to go there? I'm just kidding. You smell like if Watermelon Pucker had a baby with a goat. Can I tell you the first time I met you? No, it's okay.

Any of your stories are... I am now gay. You want to take the DUI test? Yeah. You can't hold on to me. I don't think the cop lets you hold on to him during this. Usually there's a stripper pole for me to hold on to. He's on.

Tamron, you are adorable. I think you absolutely gave it your best effort tonight. I'm going to make sure that you make it down this stairs safely. Can't. How about a big hand for Tamron, everybody? She moved from Boise. Oh, my God. To Northern California.

She was a manager at one of the great comedy clubs in the country. Okay. Oh, there you go. Everyone, we'd like you to know her name is Tamron, not Tampon. Wow. Oh, God. Clearly had some wine with the friends before tonight's show. The old, I'm not drunk.

I'm perhaps one of the drunkest people we've ever had on this show. The old I'm not drunk. Perhaps one of the drunkest people we've ever had on this show. I don't fuck it. I'll take your fucking test. Leans on table. Like imagine like that would be like live PD's greatest episode ever where the cops like put your foot out like this and she's like

okay. It's literally like straight out And she's like, okay. It's literally straight out of World's Dumbest Criminals. Or as some people call it, Modesto's Smartest Humans. Oh, shit. She literally broke stride

in her set to ask me, what do you got? What do you got like I didn't know she's gonna kiss me or fight me at that moment incredible but I'll tell you this is you know we all fucking sometimes we miss lunch sometimes we all have a couple drinks too many sometimes we smoke a fucking few hits too much of a blunt maybe.

But it takes real balls to sign up for the show. How about one more time for Tamron, everybody? You know what? Before we go back to this name, because I don't want to. The last thing I want is for female comedians to get a bad reputation on this show. We've always been great supporters of equality and equal opportunities. And last night, before I get to this name that I just pulled out of the bucket, last night we had an absolute murderer get pulled out of the bucket.

She was the final comedian to go on. She's been doing it 10 years. Let's just bring her up right now. She's doing a special spot because she was so interesting last night. Put your hands together for Bridget Bennett, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. A little special treat for you. One more time for Bridget Bennett.

The other day I got so drunk that I found myself in an alley sucking dick for heroin. The funny thing is, I don't even use heroin. My friend asked me, how do you know when a guy likes you? And I was like, when his dick is in your face.

I lost my mood ring the other day, and I just don't know how I feel about it alright my friend said there's no such thing the only things you can count on are death and taxes and I was like the only thing I can count on is you dying fuck yeah Bridget Bennett I like your style And I was like, the only thing I can count on is you dying.

Fuck yeah. Bridget Bennett, I like your style. Thank you. I like everything about you. You absolutely are a goddamn murder. You've been doing this 10 years, right? Yeah, 10 years, Tony. I love it. You're just a fucking pure stand-up comedian.

I want to lug you down to the fucking comedy store and show you off. I want to see what people would think about you. I mean, I can't. I physically can't. But if you're ever down there, I'll introduce you to some people. I don't know what you want to do or what your life is like, but you're such an interesting fucking

creature. I'm open to do whatever. You're wild. What else do you do? Let's check in with the law firm over here. Okay, what else do you do when you're not doing stand-up comedy? I do improv. I like to shoot guns. You shoot guns?

Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. What kind of guns do you shoot? I like small caliber. Wow. Yeah. I'm a pretty good shot. I bet. Yeah. Fuck yeah. God, I can't caliber. Wow. Yeah. Hell yeah. I'm a pretty good shot. I bet.

Yeah. Fuck yeah. God, I can't even picture that. Yeah. My goodness. Last time you shot a gun was when they made a documentary about you called Evil Genius, right? Yeah, maybe.

I love that. I watched it again last night for like the fifth time. What do you shoot guns at? Gun ranges and stuff? Yeah, I like to shoot guns at the gun range and stuff like that. I watched it again last night for like the fifth time. Where do you shoot guns at? Gun ranges and stuff? Yeah, I like to shoot guns at the gun range and stuff like that. They don't just think you're stoned and say, no, we can't give you this. What? She just seems high.

Anyway, back to you, Tonya. I just sound like I'm high, but I'm not really high. What do you do for fun? I mean when you're not shooting guns, like is there any substances or anything like that that you're into? No, I'm not really into super substances. you drank a little bit but not much right yeah cool stuff uh you've been doing stand-up yep go ahead you want to do a sobriety field test oh i had to take one of those the other day when i was coming out of the comedy

like doing comedy in oregon uh-huh the cops in ashland like to pull me over maybe because i'm a pretty girl or something i always try to pull over in a safe place like the gas station because it's always late at night and i don't drink when i'm doing comedy and driving you know so yeah and uh what kind of car do you drive is it it a hearse? What exactly are we talking about? I need an upgrade in vehicles. Right now I drive a Ford Mercury. Like a grandfather car. Mercury, the type of poisoning that you look like you have.

Perfect. Bridget can handle these jokes, you fucking pussies. Let me just tell you, if you're one of the people that just awed right then, you're part of the fucking problem. Or like the planet you look like you're from. Mercury, it's a planet, right? Oh, you're going back to the Mercury, yeah. Ah!

Oh, Jesus Christ, Joel. Wow, when this guy, he's either on fire or he's burning down. My goodness. You have a boyfriend, Bridget? No, I'm totally single. Wow, totally single. So what was all that dick talk about? Oh, good question.

You hook up with a lot of guys? You on any of the apps or anything like that? You on plenty of catfish or something like that? I don't believe in any dating apps. No, you don't believe in them? You talk about it like it's like a religion or something like that. I've had a lot of friends that use the apps, and I think it's the way that men use women,

and I'm just not really for it. You ever slide into somebody's DMs or slide out from under their bed? No. You ever come to their door or come through their TV? Nailed it. There it is. Red band. Yeah.

Ring band. Oh, fuck yeah. Bridget, but sex is something that you're into. You just don't like, you just like meeting the person. You just like having a real life. I like meeting people in real life.

Like, that's my thing. I like to meet real people people in real life you ever meet a guy at the gun range or anything like that you're like hey you can shoot on my face or something like that no i've never met like you're never like oh i want to see your nine millimeter i'll have to try that sometimes like a good idea It's like a good idea. So last guy you hooked up with, like how does that happen? You're at the grocery store or something like that or? He had me under my phone under Widget. Widget?

Yeah. You sure it wasn't Weegee? And then he just called me up. What's Widget mean? He said I reminded him of a widget so he saved my number under Widget

and then he had it on his phone for like seven years, and then he finally called me up and asked me out. Oh, wow. Hell yeah. The old fucking seven-year plan. There he is. That's one way to do it.

Seven-year itch. I thought it was seven days. Yeah. My goodness. Wow. That's so fucking cool. Well, you absolutely killed I love everything about you

You are just a real fucking pure comedian I don't know what kind of damage you took as a child But it all worked out You're so goddamn entertaining We go through so many people in this bucket And you feel so good That's awesome Yeah

Bridget Bennett, ladies and gentlemen. Bridget lives up in Oregon, made it down for these shows. I believe, yeah, one of my favorites. How about that?

The great Bridget Bennett. Bridget, let us, figure out a way to contact us if you ever come to another Kill Tony. Tell the staff that you arrived and tell them that Tony wants to know if I'm ever at a Kill Tony or whatever.

You know what I mean? There you go, Bridget Bennett. One more time for Bridget. We'll get her back up here again. We'll see you in another minute. Or you let a staff member know or just float through the walls until you find us. We'll just have a seance.

Woo! Oh, Bridget's here. Oh, Bridget wants to go up. Whatever you want, Bridget. You can actually see her every week in your local newspaper as the Kathy comic strip. That's right.

Kathy reference. Wow, deep. Clearly 30% of this audience will laugh at anything. Duly noted, Hinchcliffe. Duly noted. Oh, Hinchcliffe. I like it when you call me that. All right, bitch. But seriously, Bridget.

But seriously, Bridget, if you ever want to do another show, hit me up in my nightmares. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. This is the one from just before we saw Bridget. Put your hands together for your next comedian. It's Matt Medina. Matt Medina. Hey, maybe we saw this guy last night.

Seems like a familiar name. Matt Medina? Matt Medina? Hey. There he is. Oh, it is. We met this guy last night. Oh, yeah. It's incredible. Hey. Sm he is. Oh, it is. We met this guy last night. Oh, yeah. It's incredible. Old smelly feet.

Here he comes. Matt Medina. All right. Do you guys like wacky restaurant ideas like the Heart Attack Grill? No? You look like you do. Okay. You guys will like this.

Carved out of an old rainforest cafe, welcome to The Grilling Fields, Las Vegas' own Vietnam War-themed restaurant. That's right. You want American food? You better. All of your waitresses and waiters are named Charlie, and it's your job to find them, soldier. You want platoon-sized appetizers?

PTS desserts? Is it just me? I'm very out of breath. Is it just me? I'm very out of shape. Is it just me, or did Magic Johnson get AIDS at the right time to stay relevant? Is it just me? I'm very out of shape. Is it just me, or did Magic Johnson get AIDS at the right time to stay relevant? Or did, like, God keep losing money

on, like, betting against the Lakers in the 90s? He was just like, get it done. Oh. All right. There you go, Matt Medina. Matt Medina, you got pulled out of the bucket of destiny. Two nights in a row. Two continuous nights of awkward bombing.

This is like Syria. It just keeps happening day after day, it seems. No rhyme or reason. I'm just kidding. How you doing, Matt? You okay? Yeah, buddy. How you doing?

I like your style. You came out. You said these people look like they love bad food, and you're obese. Yes. Yes. That's an interesting ballsy move. I love bad food. Hell yeah. Well, welcome, yes. It's an interesting ballsy move. I love bad food. Hell yeah.

Well, welcome, welcome. How did you feel last night after you were set here? Oh, very sad. Yeah, very sad? Very sad, yes. Yeah, you let everybody know, for those of you that weren't here last night, he made everybody aware that your wife, the mother of your children, cheated on you. She was eight months pregnant, and she let a guy named Jeff come inside

of her. That's right. He works at a local... He works at John L. Sullivan. He works at a Mitsubishi dealership. Fuck Jeff. There you go. Hey. That's my pillow. Even though I was sort of a fan of his work. I sort of thought it was cool.

Gave us a lot to talk about. Anything change since then? Nope, she's still fucking Jeff. That's still happening. Mitsubishis don't break down that easily. Very, very reliable. What kind of car do you have? I have no car.

Wow, Jeff must be doubly laughing in your face right now. I'm glad you're back because I didn't get to ask you this question I wanted to yesterday. What happened to your butt oh Yeah, I've been around show the audience. It's not there. No. It's not I've been diagnosed as no ass much like Hank Hill Oh boy, it's a Bobby Yeah, there's two Hank Hill fans over there that you might want to get it give autographs to after the show I'll deal with my ass cheeks interesting stuff Matt Is there anything we didn't talk about yesterday that

you realized, like, oh, I probably should have brought that up? That's an interesting thing about me. I brought up the whole mortuary thing. That's about it. Right. And that was that you used to work in a mortuary. Yes. I used to work for the county. Uh-huh. Did you ever meet Bridget Bennett lying there when you worked at the mortuary?

No. No, unfortunately not. She ever there and you started to do work on her and you realized she was just taking a nap. Yeah. What'd you do at the mortuary? I was a removal technician. So you removed body parts from a dead body? Yeah. No, no, no. I moved

you know, say this gentleman dies here someone like me would show up and pick him up, put him I moved you know, say this gentleman dies here, someone like me would show up and pick him up, put him in a bag and take him on out of here. I think you'd be more fit after that. So you're like the postmates of dead people. I've seen you remove yourself

after dying on stage two nights in a row, so that's exciting. That's interesting. You have any health conditions, Matt? Nope. Any allergies? No. Objection, your honor.

Wow, that's so cool. When's the last time you talked to your kids a lot? How old are they again? Three and one and no. Three and one, you almost forgot their ages. Yeah, I don't see them. I bet Jeff knows their ages. He does, yeah. Do you want to see them?

Oh, yeah, 100%. I pay for everything. I do my best. She just doesn't let me see them. She's kind of a bitch. Wow. Well, I mean, legally, aren't you allowed to? Yeah, I'm working on it. It's a long process. Very expensive. How come you don't have a car? Broke down after I won a roast

battle, funny enough, and just haven't had money to fix it. Just working, taking the bus around, doing comedy. There you go. Good stuff. Wow. Was this roast battle at the mortuary? Yeah, it was me and three bodies.

I burned them up. Wow. Well, Matt, you got really lucky. We're going to keep flying through it. You're a very lucky guy. You got two nights in a row. Matt Medina, you got really lucky. We're going to keep flying through it. You're a very lucky guy. You got two nights in a row. Matt Medina, everybody. Matt Medina, one cool brown dude.

Cool brown dude. CBD. That reminds me. Let's take a moment to plug our favorite sponsor, Infinite CBD. Here's why we love working with Infinite CBD. It's because they offer the cleanest, healthiest, and purest forms of CBD available. Hemp grown organically in Colorado. Pure CBD isolate testing over 99% CBD.

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That's true. Just learned that recently. Sour peach, sour watermelon, sour blue raspberry, sour strawberry. I mean, this sounds awesome. And they also have seasonal gummies. Like right now, it's apple pie made with real apple cider. That is so cool. They are great for calming down when things are stressful or before bed to help with insomnia.

Go to InfiniteCBD.com, and if you use the promo code TONY15, you get 15% off. That's InfiniteCBD.com, and use the code TONY15 for 15% off. That's I-N-F-I-N-I-T-E-C-B-D.com. Code TONY15 for 15% off. That's I-N-F-I-N-I-T-E-C-B-D.com. Code TONY15 for 15% off. You guys ready to get back to this show or what, huh? How many of you use CBD products, huh? Very good. Look at that.

Wow. Real live. Look at this stuff. I love those gummies. Yeah, it's incredible. They really help you. Joel has incredible amounts of anxiety, believe it or not. How about a hand for Joel? He turns it all off and dials in, becomes hilarious on this show.

Out there, you know what I mean? When he's not behind these drums, he's a real Tamron. He's a twitcher. You know what I mean? He's a real fucking, there's nothing wrong with me. Just kidding.

Just kidding, Tampon, we love you. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Matt Schneider, everyone. Matt Schneider. Matt Schneider. Here he comes. Here we go. Back from that ledge.

Step back from my friend. One more time for Matt Schneider, everybody. Woo! What's up? Fuck. All right. So, let's see. Where do I start?

Been single for the last year. That's been taking some time to adjust to. It's taken me a while. There are some perks to it. I can't tell you how happy I am not to have to hike anymore. Some of you get it. Some of you get it. The first couple hikes, they're fine. They're nice. You put on your vans, basketball shorts, you walk a nice path.

Easy peasy. But then eventually they figure out about the 52 hike challenge you guys hear about this It's a challenge to do 52 hikes within a year. I Don't know about you guys, but I can't do 52 of anything. I mean I had season passes for a Baseball I got halfway through the season. I was like, fuck this. It's not worth it. Let's see. I'm dying up here. There it is.

Matt Schneider. Yeah. You're right. You can't do 52 of anything, including seconds of comedy. That's incredible. It was legit 52 seconds. I'm glad to have our second fully white guy up here.

Your opening line was so mind-boggling, I had to write it down. These are all separate sentences. Sup? Fuck? All right. Let's see. Where do I start?

You had no idea where you were going, huh? Or did you just pretend it was all an act to make us think you had no idea this was all coming off the top of your head or something like that? It was all up here, and then I saw the stairs, and that was it. I saw the stairs, and it opened up your face. I saw that ledge. and it opened up your fair... I saw that. I saw that ledge.

I saw that ledge. I can't remember. That's a classic Ace of Base song. I saw the stairs. So you're single. I can't believe you were ever not single. So when did that happen? How long have you been single for?

It's been about a year. It was around this time last year. I like how you got on me for my Kathy reference, and then you make a reference to Ace of Base. Well, you have to understand we milked it a few times. People laughed at the first one because they knew what I was doing.

Brian also got in it. It was more of a scattered joke than your sloppy Kathy reference, but that also reminds me. If you Google image Kathy, and then you look up the woman that was just on stage, it's spot on. sloppy Kathy reference. But that also reminds me. If you Google image Kathy and then you look up the woman that was just on stage it's spot on. Stop the podcast

if you're listening. Stop the podcast. Go to Google Images. Google Kathy. And I'm sure by the way Kathy, the first thing that's going to pop up is the fucking cartoon. The 80s. Jeremiah's being such a ziggy right now.

You're acting like a... Hey, cool it, Marmaduke. I guess whoever's loudest wins on this show. So I also wrote down this other hit line from about 25 seconds into your set that reminds me of what Jeremiah's doing right now. And your line was, Some of you get it. some of you get it.

Do you remember saying that? Vaguely. Vaguely. Alright. Speaking of things that we'll never let die, let's check back in with Jeremiah over here who's now out of character laughing at this Kathy reference. Now here's the thing.

If you type in the word Kathy on Google images, it's just a bunch of ugly women. There's no problem. So either way, my reference stands. What the fuck? Oh, my God. Dude, seriously, do it. It is hilarious.

All right, don't do it, everybody. Keep listening to the fucking podcast. If you're going to leave the podcast, just take it. Okay. Everybody, there you go. podcast. If you're going to leave the podcast, just take... Okay. Everybody. There you go. Go to InfiniteCBD.com and use the promo code

Tony15 for 15%. We're making fun of her like she didn't say she likes to shoot guns. Wait. Fuck! Jesus, that's a whole different comedian. Oh my god. Alright, Matt Schneider. That whole different comedian. Oh, my God. All right. Matt Schneider.

That's Bridget... All right, forget it. So, Matt Schneider, tell us more about you, buddy. Let's talk about it. What do you want to know? Anything interesting about you. Let's see. 31, this is my first time up on stage doing stand-up.

Hey, look at that. That's a good one. We love first times. You ever know anyone named Kathy before? No, can't say I do. You've never met a Kathy in your life? No. I had a teacher once named Kathy,

and she was very mean, very obese, very angry lady. I won't say her last name, even though I really want to. Do it. She'll make me just look like, do it. It doesn't make any sense. She's like 80 years old and probably dead. So, Matt, you're 31. This is your first time doing stand-up.

What made you want to start now? Was there a moment in which you're like, you know what, I'm going to sign up for this show. I'm going to do this. No, I mean, I grew up with comedy records in the house. My dad loved, he had big band records and then he had like Carlin Records, AM, FM. That was a big one

for me. Cosby, Woody Allen, all that stuff. Heck yeah, you love pedophiles, don't you? Yeah. No, just always wanted to do it. You know, just all the greats, Cosby, fucking Woody Allen, Pope John Paul II. When I was growing up, they were greats.

I mean, times have changed. Absolutely, times have changed. What do you do for work? I'm one of the top rising supervisors with Costco Host Oil. Costco. Yeah. Costco. Some $5 rotisserie chicken.

Wow. There you go. Did you write your jokes on the back of a giant receipt? Did you write the words, sup, fuck, all right, let's see, where do I start? That's a killer. It's a real banger. All right. So, Matt, you live by yourself?

No, I'm living back at home right now. With your parents? With my grandmother right now. Oh, that's cool. What's grandma's situation? What ethnicity is she? Italian. Oh, nice. Does she cook for you? These days, not so much.

My grandfather was the cook, but he is no longer with us, so it's the two of us When did he pass away? It's been about two years now How long have you been living with her? Since the breakup a year ago So she loves it She's got company

Somebody to talk to Heck yeah You got company She's got company We watch Law and Order together You guys ever gonna fuck or what? Let's fucking do this Heck yeah

From the godfather to the grandmother You know what I'm saying? Let's fucking do this. Heck yeah. From the godfather to the grandmother, you know what I'm saying? Wow, that's interesting. So she doesn't cook for you. You do anything nice for her ever? You ever bring her something, like Werther's Originals or anything like that?

No, I just, I mean, you know, she's 86, so I mean, she can only do so much. I mean, she's still mentally with us and everything, but when it comes to chores around the house, things like that, you know, she's 86, so, I mean, she can only do so much. I mean, she's still mentally with us and everything, but when it comes to chores around the house, things like that, you know. That's you. Linda helping him. Have you ever tickled her? That's true.

It's a funny way to fuck with an 86-year-old lady. It's real funny. They're just like, ow! Like that. She breaks a hip. You said your grandfather was the cook. Is there anything that he made that you remember that was awesome? Yeah.

What was your favorite meal that he made? Is there something that he ever made that was good? We know he wasn't good at making grandsons. That's true. Oh! Oh! Fucking doof balls He used to make a really good Like pasta dish around the holidays

It was just An Italian with a good pasta dish I don't believe it Wow there you go The old Alright Matt well you're a fun guy Did your grandpa used to read you anything? What?

Is that the end of the question? I have no further questions at this moment. Oh, okay. All right. I don't know what's going on over here. All right. Anything else crazy about your life, Matt? I feel like you're leaving something out. You don't know what's going on over here. All right. Anything else crazy about your life, Matt? I feel like you're leaving something out.

You don't have any hobbies. You don't ever fucking sneak away from grandma's house and go play laser tag or something like that? No, nothing crazy. I mean, play guitar, play bass. Used to be in a band years ago. What was the name of the band? Oh, God.

The band was Capital Sin. Capital Sin. Yeah. Yeah, we thought it was Grandmas Boy. What kind of... Were you in Capital Sin, the guitarist? Bass player. Oh, wow. Yeah. There you go. What's going on back here, Joel?

I don't care anymore. I'm taking calls on my shoe. All right. Well, Matt, fun times, dude. Thanks for coming on the show. There you go, Smash Snyder, everybody. Fuck yeah. First time comedian. Getting it done here on episode 401

of Sacramento Zone, Kill Tony. Should we do another Joker spoiler? No. People did not like that. People literally demanded that that guest never come on again. Poor Tom. Pretty exciting stuff. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Grom Jeremy.

Grom Jeremy. This is an interesting name. I don't think I've ever met a Grom before. G- Jeremy. This is an interesting name. I don't think I've ever met a Grom before. Yeah. G-R-O-M. Hopefully he smells better than Ron. Oh, yes. Grom Jeremy.

Here he comes. Woo! Oh, yes. Grom Jeremy. Here he comes. Grom Jeremy, ladies and gentlemen. Sacramento! All right. This is insane right now. Shit just got real. You guys are a good looking crowd out here. I do not have a lot of material prepared, Tony.

But, all right. So, my name is Grom Jeremy. Because I ride a Grom motorcycle. It's a very small motorcycle, if you know what that is. It's a 125. I do that confidently, ladies, because I have a bigom motorcycle. It's a very small motorcycle, if you know what that is. It's a 125. I do that confidently, ladies, because I have a big penis, all right? We're going with that joke right now.

That's about all we have, but we have a little... Okay. I got another one. I got another one. So in today's society, you got to be careful what you're saying. Like, I can't be out in public telling my mom on the phone what's going to happen tonight. Like, yo, mom, yeah, I'm going to kill Tony. Yeah, I'm going to kill Tony.

No, I'll probably just bomb. No, you know, I'll probably just bomb, and that's okay. No, I'll call you when it's over. No, all right. So that's about it. And thank you, Sacramento. There you go, Grom and Jeremy.

Thank you. Freebird. Freebird. So, Grom Jeremy, fuck yeah. You are the human form of crystal meth. I mean, this is it. This is what it looks like.

You are a mathematician. You are a.... You are... I feel like you got Adele and never stopped. Adele reference. Adele? Yeah, I know. Jesus Christ, what is going on here?

Kathy's starting to look pretty good, isn't it? Of all the things, you go with a computer. Goddamn. Old computer reference? All right. Grom. Can I just say you're the fastest comedian I've ever seen? You just look so fast.

Thank you. Thank you. I mean, what happened? Did you ride your motorcycle to the stage? I didn't see. What exactly? I was actually out there in the other bar. I bought tickets last night and sat over there

and watched the show it was killer and then tonight I took your tip about just going and sitting in there with the comics and I was talking to a lovely comic just waiting and then they just said my name kind of quietly I was like holy shit did they just say my name you're kidding me

and this is amazing if anybody gets a chance to do this, you guys gotta do this. No, no, no. Don't do drugs. I mean, in your life, get up on stage and do something like this. That's why you guys do it, right? I absolutely hate this guy. Shit, Joel.

So clearly you ride a motorcycle. You do comedy like you ride a unicycle. That's true. This is your first time, right? Yes, sir. First time ever doing stand-up. So give ride a unicycle. That's true. That's true. This is your first time, right? Yes, sir. First time ever doing stand-up. So give him a hand for that. That takes balls.

You have a pretty sick helmet. He threw his helmet in his jacket over here. There you go. For you listeners, he has a sick helmet. Look at that. There you go. Great. That's a wow.

That's unbelievably sick. Wow. What are we talking about? What is happening? I have no idea. It's like if Ed Hardy was an actual person. Yeah. There you go.

Fuck yeah. There you go. I was thinking about doing the set with the helmet on. That may have been more interesting. I'm not sure in retrospect. I don't know. Yeah, then the tomatoes will hit you in the face. Be careful.

There's glass behind you. That's a spot. I know you totally don't ever do meth, but you can't stop moving at all. Thank you, Sacramento, for the meth show. All right. So, Grom, let's talk about something other than motorcycles. Tell us about your life. What part of Sacramento do you live in?

Carmichael. Carmichael. Any Carmichael fans out there? Some lady just audibly said, oh, no. Oh, no. Have you always lived in Carmichael? No, not always. Looks like it's a motorcycle Michael.

Am I right? Wow. Chroma Chris batting 1,001 tonight. I mean, just unstoppable. All the best jokes. He doesn't even do comedy, everybody. He's never even done a minute of stand-up before in his

life. And he just sits back there just cranking grand slams over and over again. So you live in Carmichael. What do you do? I work at a hospital I sterilize surgical instruments What?

I'm pretty good at what I do You are? Yes Oh my god that seems like such When a surgeon drops an instrument And they need it reprocessed They call me on a portable phone And I go up to that room

You show up on a bird scooter We run about nine rooms of surgery Every day About 33 patients a day. So you're like a dishwasher. For surgical instruments and surgeons, yeah, totally. But I'm a lead tech, so I don't really wash them right now. The sterilizer coming Mondays to TNT.

So you have other people that do it for you. You just basically go gather it. Yeah, I've worked there for like 25 years, so I coordinate the surgical instruments. That is so fucking cool. That's what I do. Wow. I also, you know, I play the drums.

No, that's not true. Is that true? How long have you played the drums for? How long? Tony, I've been playing the drums for 32 years since the fifth grade. Oh! Tony, I've been playing the drums for 32 years since the fifth grade. Whoa! I mean, what can I say?

It's episode 401 in Sacramento. 32 years. All right, yeah, do whatever you want, buddy. He's grabbing the helmet, ladies and gentlemen. He's grabbing the helmet. He's grabbing the helmet, ladies and gentlemen. That's glass, and there's a two-story fall behind it. So whatever you do, do not fall backwards. The crowd's going crazy.

He took his jacket off. He took his jacket off. The helmet is on, ladies and gentlemen. 32 years of playing the drums. He's spinning jacket off. The helmet is on, ladies and gentlemen. 32 years of playing the drums. He's spinning the sticks. This is a Mexican drum off. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Now, before you go, Grom Jeremy, let me remind everybody that this is a big deal.

This is a drum solo battle in which performance, comedy, and obviously drumming are involved. At the end, the audience decides who wins. Now, I must warn you, Krom, Gilbert Joel Jimenez is undefeated all times. The event is named after him. Nobody has ever defeated him. However, nobody's ever faced him wearing a motorcycle helmet completely on crystal meth.

And Joel's not even 32 years old. Can I just say I've never been terrified for Joel before? This is very exciting. Now let me also remind everybody, if Grom wins, he becomes the new drummer on Kill Tony. That means the 35 laughs that Joel has contributed to this show, so far this episode alone, will be nothing from now on. It'll just be Grom sitting back there with a helmet

while people hoop and holler because of one night in Sacramento. We will be canceled immediately. That means he's going to do four shows in San Francisco. This means if he wins, he's going to Australia with us next week to Brisbane, Melbourne, and Sydney. You guys will decide this man's destiny. The inside of his helmet is steaming up. This could play a factor. Ladies and gentlemen, the drum solo of Grum Jeremy. Wow, powerful performance. That's skill.

Sort of dwindled out there at the end. That's Grom Jeremy. Let's have Gr out there at the end. That's Grom, Jeremy. Let's have Grom safely clear the stage. Help him out. Make sure he doesn't fall through the glass. There's nothing but glass behind you there, Grom. All right. Okay, so now you stand over here next to Red Band, sort of.

Let's get him right over here. No, it's okay. Stay right next to Red Band, right fucking there. Right there. Just like that. Just right there. Don't move anywhere okay. Stay right next to Red Band. Right fucking there. Right there. Just like that. Just right there. Don't move anywhere else. Face that way. Stop fucking moving. Face that way, Grom. Live show.

And now, defending his throne, undefeated all time in the history of Mexican drum-offs, Kill Tony's Own, with his life on the line. If he loses this, he has to move to fucking Carmichael. Ladies and gentlemen,

I present to you one of my funniest friends on the planet, the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Here we go. He has a goddamn water cooler. He's got the dick from yesterday on his mouth. He just spiked a dildo. He's got a water cooler.

He still has his tie on. He has a giant purple dildo. This is unbelievable. He is furious. He just flipped off Grom Jeremy. He's undefeated all time. He has no shoes on. Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready? I present to you, Shulbert Toltemene. Wow, drumstick in his mouth.

He's calling for something. Oh! He's chugging a beer! He's chugging a fucking beer! He throws it! He's playing with one bare hand! Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God. He's got a symbol. He's threatening to hurt him. Let me remind everybody. Let me remind everybody. Turn around. Joel, stand up. He's acting like a doggy.

Let me remind everybody that Joel made fun of a guy earlier for not having an ass. Spongebob square butt right here. Wow. Oh, my God. Oh, he's making it clap. He's making it clap. Oh, my God. This is incredible.

This is going to be absolutely down to the wire, ladies and gentlemen. He came out with a little white penis on his mouth. He's wearing, I don't even know what did you bring? That was his final hit of the drum. He threw the little dildo at the drum. It goes out in the audience.

It fell inside a girl. There you go. Fuck yeah. Alright, alright. Ladies and gentlemen, let's get a verdict here. How many of you have the defending challenger, Grom Jeremy, winning this thing? Whoa, that is a lot. That is a lot. That's a lot. How many of you have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez winning? How many of you have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez winning? Wow.

He's putting his foot behind his head. What the fuck? He's putting his foot behind his head. Oh, my God. Wow. And still the retaining Mexican drum off champion. I will say this. If you guys are wondering, we've been to all of them, and I'm pretty sure everyone up here will agree.

That is the closest anyone's ever come to winning the Mexican drum off champion. Give it up for Elon Musk. Yes, the helmet went a long way. The helmet got a lot of points for originality, and you stayed true to character. The helmet went a long way. The helmet got a lot of points for originality. And you stayed true to character. Joelberg is celebrating. He's hitting cymbals with his feet being ultra-Mexican.

Anything you want to say right now, Joel? You're out of breath. Your tie is on your head. You threw a dildo. Just so you fucking autistic psychopath fucking motorcycle idiots know, I'm not new to this. I'm true to this. Suck my dick. Psychistic psychopath fucking motorcycle idiots. No. I'm not new to this. I'm true to this. Suck my dick.

Go fuck yourselves. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez takes this job very seriously. And while obviously this is a comedy show, he takes all these challenges very seriously too. How about one more time for Grom Jeremy? Thank you, Grom. Grom Jeremy. Thank you, Grom. Grom Jeremy. He surprised me there. I did not see a Mexican drum off coming with that guy.

That was very talented. He really fooled us. He pretended like he barely knew anything about the show, and then boom, played drums. 32 years. It doesn't get closer than that. That was a great challenge. Wow, that was incredible. My goodness.

Gracious. Great balls of fire. Alright. Let's just keep the momentum going. You guys want to do something fun right now? Obviously that's not good enough. So we'll just do it some other time. We'll save it. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay.

Well, in that case, I will tell you that obviously we have a band on this show. Obviously we have The Bucket and Red Band and me and all these fun things, but I should tell you that we also have a regular on this show. He came with us. He's here all the way from Los Angeles, California.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one and the only William Montgomery here he is in the flesh live in Sacramento California here he is the real deal who just called me a pussy are you really gonna mess this up I was trying to give a shout out to

Darryl Steinberg y'all's current mayor right now big ups Darl, if you're watching this, just please accept my LinkedIn request. I had to stop smoking weed because I got real addicted to the embalming fluid. Let me hear y'all make some noise if you ever faked your own death. To try to see how your dog would react. And your dog ends up just trying to eat you.

That was a mistake. I shouldn't have told that joke. Oh, my God. I don't know. Wow, William. I love it. I don't know. Wow, William. I love it. I don't know. That piece of shit really threw me off.

No, you're good. Everybody else, you know, a lot of people are doing their first minute ever. William is one of the longest tenured regulars in the show's history. How long have you been with the show now, William? Ten months. That's it? All right. Well, he's one of the guys in which it feels like it's been the longest tenure ever.

William and William, we've been having fun. It's been ten months now. Is that? Ten long months. I've had nightmares, I've had dreams, I've had premonitions, I've had it,

you name it, I'm a mathematician. Let me tell you guys that I had some fun last night. We're all staying in the same big house right now, and I got to hang out with William away from the comedy club, and I realized that William is funny all the time. Even if he's just sitting on a couch watching something, really all the time, if you

ever just look at William, you just start laughing. It's pretty interesting. William, you're one of my favorite people I've ever seen before. Winking at people. Are you winking? Are you giving away winks for free? I've ever seen before. Winking at people. Are you winking?

Are you giving away winks for free? Wow, look at that. Just giving it away. We've never seen this before. Daryl, accept my request. He's demanding a LinkedIn approval from the mayor of Sacramento. Daryl what? Steinberg.

He's a hell of a mayor. Do you want to say that again? Please stop it. Wow. Oh my goodness. This is a big fan. Obviously he follows you on the Instagram. Is this correct? Michael? We've seen this before.

This is where William recognizes somebody in the audience. Michael Richards? Yes, that's him. So nice to see you. We've had long talks about dreams, about nightmares, about... You had dreams about nightmares? I have dreams about nightmares. That's incredible. My goodness.

Have you been having fun? This is your first time to Sacramento, correct? It's been fun. Daryl helped me come up with a t-shirt. It says on the front of it, it's not lupus, it's your birthday. Hey, I like that. That's pretty fucking catchy.

That's pretty goddamn catchy indeed. Now, the guy in the audience just referenced something about a bathtub. I did see something earlier on Instagram. That was you. Is that you in the bathtub? Was that at the bathtub in the house that we're staying at? It was in Las Vegas. Oh, it's from a different time.

Okay. Just checking. I don't know. William, are you listening to me? Okie dokie. Sometimes he fades in and out. It's a normal thing with him. It's all good.

So today, anything that happened today in Sacramento that you enjoyed in real life? I just hope someone out there has some Vaseline. I have some horrible jock itch. I have some bad chafing in between my legs. Now, this is something that you've been mentioning in real life. It's bad. It hurts to walk right now. So how do you end up getting jock itch? I don't know.

It's because you sweat profusely down there? It's from having no thigh gap whatsoever. Yeah, yeah. I could let you know. It's when your thighs rub together. A lot of waiters have that. What did you just say, Red Band? Can you show it down, please? I'm talking about your gapless waiters,

like servers. And if you put some flour in there, it helps at a restaurant. There you go, Red Band. Getting it all out there. This segment of the show brought to you by Double Tito's and Soda.

And Advil, I took two Advil before I walked up on the stage. I'm feeling real loopy. The Advil got you a little buzz buzz? It has. Wow. What else do you do to get buzz sometimes? What else have you been taking recently?

Man, that Advil's really kicking in, huh? I feel horribly on edge right now. This is a bad mistake. I'll be coming up here. What do you want to do about it? Can I tell probably my best joke? No.

No. Objection, Your Honor! Objection, Your Honor. Objection, Your Honor. I have a friend who's paralyzed from the waist up, which is a blessing because he's a dancer. There you go. I like that joke. That's a good one.

I like it when my mom goes out of town because I get to sleep on her side of the bed. There you go. The classic. That's one of my favorite jokes of all time. Yeah, why don't you tell us another joke we've all fucking heard before, you know? Please stop.

Leading the witness. There you go. Well, William, I think you're absolutely fantastic. I think some of your famous one-liners are absolutely timeless, and I love them every time I hear them. So I just want to let you know that I have your little freckle covered back. I'm white with black stripes. That is a racist zebra.

There you go. Another oldie but a goodie for William. And another brand-new minute. minute another brand new minute from William Montgomery live here in Sacramento is there anything else you want to say to these people before you go? Michael I appreciate our dialogue we've had Owen Lyon

you're so sweet there you go line. You're so sweet. There you go. How about one more time for the great William Montgomery, everybody. Wow. They're going deep. Oh, my God. The band. Unbelievable. A little Freebird out here. That's badass.

Hell, yeah. Freebird, or as it's known, the national anthem of Modesto. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Joe Coniu, everyone. Joe Coniu, back to the show we go. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Party.

Yeah, come on, it's Joe Conehugh, everybody. I'm kind of lonely. Women don't pay attention to me. When you look like me, it's really hard to get action. When you look like me, it's really hard to get... consent. Oh, you laugh. Consent is very popular now.

Everybody wants consent with their sex. Sometimes they get partial consent. Like I picked up a chick in a bar. She let me fuck her, but she wouldn't let me tell anybody. That's not complete consent. I want the coochie and the cred. I don't want to get half lucky. I don't wear condoms. I don't use condoms. You think I'm going to give a girl another 30 seconds to change her mind after she sees this? Wow. Look at that. That's how you do it.

Right down the barrel. Fucking awesome, dude. I love your fucking style, bro. You set them up and you fucking knocked them down. You played soft in the beginning. Oh, I'm lonely. And the next thing you know, you're just butt fucking this audience. Coochie and the crib.

Yeah, dude. I fucking love you, bro. You're like with a real dirty Santa or something like that. Let's check in with the law firm over here. I think you might have some new lawyers.

Yes. Are you a single man? I am a single man. I'd like to introduce you to a comic by the name of Bridget that performed earlier tonight. Yeah.

Hell yeah. Absolutely. Heck yeah. Yeah Yeah go ahead My first wife Hasn't been born yet I like that There you go Fuck yeah

Such a creepy hand five You can see the little girl glitter Just snowing in front of me right now Wow That is incredible How long have you been doing stand up Joe? little girl glitter just snowing in front of me right now. Wow, that is incredible. How long have you been doing stand-up, Joe? Just a little over a year. Are you fucking serious? Yeah, you're so rock solid.

Such a good performer. You take your time. You actually give a performance. You're not just up here rambling a bunch of words that you memorized. You use timing. You're listening to the crowd. You're waiting for moments uh just mind-boggling you do this a lot huh you do a lot of open mics yeah exactly and that's

exactly it it's a great place to work on that type of stuff because you know you can't just practice in front of a mirror you clearly are listening and i bet you make those comedians laugh i bet you you get a room and yeah yeah, it's a little shaky sometimes. You probably get some groans here and there. Is all your stuff mostly, like, sort of, like, dirty? Yeah, of course. Hell yeah. Stick with what you know. Abso-fucking-lutely.

So the last time you hooked up with a chick, like, when was that? What was that like? You mean for free? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I want to know about the free ones. Either one. I want to know about the free ones. Either one.

I want to know whatever. You paid. It was free. Well, there's a massage place right down the street on the left side. It's really good. Yes, there is. Again, very good. Hell yes.

There's always a massage place down the street. Red Band always knows the closest one. Yes, indeed. Okay. How about the free one? Let's go with the free one. A girl hiked up her skirt and she was winking at me. What, indeed. Okay. How about the free one? Let's go with the free one. A girl hiked up her skirt and she was winking at me.

What, her butthole? Yeah, she was giving me... She giving you the old William Montgomery wink? The stink eye. Is that what that means? The stink eye? Yeah, she winked at you with her stink eye? Okay, there you go. There you go. Get rid of it.

Red band. There you go. It's of it. Red band. There you go. It's all... There we go. Lots of attention over here right now on red band. So let's keep following through. So you saw a girl's butt. She hiked up her skirt. Is this true?

I'm just asking for an honest answer here. It's like, what happened? Well, that's not the first thing that happened. Oh, hello. What was the first thing that happened? I was on a cruise and drinking martinis with this chick, and she leans over and says, I'll give you $100 if you eat my pussy.

Is that true? I'll do it for free. Yeah. I mean, you probably would have done it for free, right? What were we talking about? How big was this girl? She's good looking. Damn.

Dirt bike rider, belly dancer. Hell yeah Wow Sexy and tough You said she was a waitress? No No She was on a cruise Belly dancer

And she rides dirt bikes So she went from dirt bikes And belly dancing To just being on a dirty belly My goodness So I said 200 Ooh Power negotiator I like that Fuck yeah My goodness. So I said $200.

Ooh, power negotiator. I like that. Fuck yeah. Someone read the art of the deal. But I'm not going to fuck you. Oh, damn right. That's right. You made her want it.

So you ate her pussy for $200, and then what? Well, first I bit all the buttons off her sailor pants. Wow. Salad pants? Sailor pants. What are salad pants? Sailor pants. Sailor pants. By the way, before he ate her pussy, his voice wasn't near this grizzly.

I got it. He's like, yeah, I'll eat it for 200. I love it. You still work? No, I'm retired. Retired200. I love it. You still work? No, I'm retired. Retired. What did you used to do? An attorney.

You were an attorney? Wow. You see this, guys? This is what a real fucking attorney looks like. What kind of an attorney were you? Intellectual property. Patents, trademarks, and copyrights. Get the fuck out of here.

Wait, for some reason, Joel's taking his clothes off. Sorry, I got caught off guard. Wow. I have some intellectual property I'd like you to look at. I bet. Most of it's right here. My goodness What's the weirdest thing you've ever had in your butt, Joe?

Well, I fell down on a Barbie doll once Really? Yeah, it was a mistake I mean Oh my goodness The doctor didn't believe it Wow But, you know

It was a couple years ago So it's all healed up I'm sorry Feet first or head first? That's actually a good question. You sure it was a Barbie or was it one of those Kens? You know what I'm talking about? I don't do that.

I don't do that unless I accidentally go down to Lavender Heights. You know what I mean? One time I went to Faces and ended up with a Ken doll up my ass. And I'm not talking about the reading. Alright, forget it. All right, Joe. Well, you're so much fun. Anything else crazy

that we should know about you? You seem like I feel like I could talk with you fucking forever, man. If it was up to me, I would just keep you up here until tomorrow morning. He looks like Colonel Sanders is now on Sons of Anarchy. That's true. Absolutely. You do have quite the look to you. You look like He looks like Colonel Sanders is now on Sons of Anarchy. That's true. That's true.

Absolutely. You do have quite the look to you. You look like if Kenny Rogers got high on his own supply. It's a chicken. Lady. Chicken reference. My goodness. Well, Joe, that's so much fucking fun.

Do you have any other hobbies or anything like that? What do you do to pass the time now that you're retired? You know, I walk around a lot and eat stuff. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Especially when people are offering you $200. Yeah. You bet you're eating a lot of stuff.

He looks like Jeff lives under bridges. Hey, look at that. Yeah. Fuck yeah. All right, Joe. Well, Fuck yeah, man. Fuck yeah. All right, Joe. Well, I mean, so much fucking fun. I absolutely love comedians like you.

This is proof that, you know, it's not about when you start. It's not about how you fucking, you know, approach things. It's not about trying to blend in. You're a guy that came up with a look. It's the same thing Bridget Bennett did. With all of her 10 years of experience. You're talking about what you appear like. You're giving us Mr. X.

You're setting it up. You're sneaking in punches and getting big laughs. And that's what this shit is all about. You have a great knack for it. I can't wait to see you again. Fuck yeah. Let us know if you're ever in LA man Yeah let us know for sure

And how about this Joe Next time we do a show here in Sacramento I want to see you again next year So you'll get a minute automatically How about that There you go Joe Coniu He's on Facebook at Joe Coniu

That's K-O-N-Y-O-U. Grom Jeremy, by the way, is on Instagram at G-R-O-M-J-E-R-O-M-E-Y. It's a very hard spelling there. My goodness, such a fucking fun episode. You guys having fun out there, huh? How many of you guys listen to this show every week? Well, then maybe you guys actually know. I don't know if you guys know this or not,

but we have a brand new regular on this show. Did you guys know that? Would you guys like it if we brought him all the way up here with us tonight? Great. Well, then I present to you the brand newest regular on Kill Tony. I believe this is only his second or third regular spot.

He's a goddamn anomaly. Put your hands together for the great David Lucas, everybody. Come on, one more time good and loud for the great David Lucas. Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah. Don't you hate when you've been walking on a treadmill for an hour and you look down and it's only been ten minutes.

Like, who the fuck put me in the Twilight Zone? Cardio time is in the Matrix, you know? They measure that shit like dog ears, you know? Cardio time is like one, two. The crazy thing about the treadmill is that it doesn't even really get you in shape.

You know what I'm saying? Like I can walk a mile on the treadmill, but I'm out of breath when I walk to my car. You know what I'm saying? Like, I can walk a mile on the treadmill, but I'm out of breath when I walk to my car. You know what I mean? Fuck yes. The great David Lucas. That was awesome. And the lot one.

Fuck yeah. Another great new brand spanking new minute. David Lucas. Welcome, welcome. Is that today you were on the treadmill? Nah, nigga. great new brand spanking new minute David Lucas welcome welcome is that today you're on the treadmill no I ain't do shit today but eat Chinese food and lay my ass on the sofa and watch YouTube that's right

absolutely like a real fucking comedian that's right absolutely David Lucas is also staying with all of us in the in the same crazy big house. It's a. I'm kind of like an outbreak. I'm the only blackhead in the house. That's true.

Well, I mean, everybody's a little bit different. I mean, William looks like William all the time. So, yeah, I was. We saw I saw a photo today of all of us together. And I was like, in no other world would these fucking people be hanging out together. It's fucking crazy. How would a slave be hanging out with a fucking confederate soldier? I know, it's true.

It's true. You think William would make soldier? Hell yeah. He wouldn't be a soldier, he'd be a fucking drummer or some shit. He'd be the water boy for the army. He'd be back there. Yeah, I don't know That's enough for you right now

We did have I missed it I want to hear it I want to hear it That's enough for your ass Yeah How dare you What are y'all

Y'all got on some presidential ass wigs today We're lawyers David Oh lawyers Oh shit I don't need those No Not yet Hell yeah.

The only person that tips the scales of justice is you. David. Tony got arrested for chewing condom-flavored gum. That's actually true. It's fucking the best flavor of bubble yum there is. Hell yeah. In L.A., he assaulted a dickhead. That's true.

That's true. First degree. You chew a lot of gum too, right? But you swallow. It's because you can't digest it. You got a bunch of stuff in there. I love this. I love the shirt you're wearing.

I've never seen you look literally like a black hole before. This is it. Damn, Scuba Steve. How do you know Scuba Steve? How do you know anything about being underwater? I'm white as shit. All right. Y'all was playing one of my favorite songs earlier.

What's that white boy name that killed himself in Seattle? We found out yesterday that he actually knows a bunch of... We've realized that he loves white people music. Yeah, yeah. It's been a while. Since I could hang my head up high. It's been a while. Since I first saw you.

Hey. Look at this. You got it, Red Band? It's all happening here. It's a long intro on this one. I actually like country music better. Really? What kind of country do you like?

I mean, other than country. I like. You like country rock or country crop? No. Garth Brooks. How many people know this song? Blame it all on my roots. I showed up in boots.

Whoa. It ruined your black tie affair The whole crowd is singing Last one to know The last one to show I was the last one you thought you'd see there This is incredible And I saw the surprise And the fear in his eyes When I took his glass of champagne.

Come on, sing it, Sacramento. We will both be true. You'll never hear me complain. Hey, because I got friends in low places where the whiskey drowns and the beer chases my blues away. I'll be okay. I'm not big

on social gray. Think I slip on down to the oasis so I got friends in low places. Fuck yes! Woo-wee! Fucking amazing. How about one more time for the great David Lucas, everybody?

Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable. One of my favorite Kill Tony moments ever I don't think we've ever had the entire crowd Sing a song quite like that before God I love that motherfucker I can't believe he knows Can you believe he knows the words to songs

That people in Sacramento know? Mind-boggling That was incredible Didn't mince Zantac once. Wow. There you go. All right. Give it up for Chroma Chris for playing that immediately. That was incredible.

I mean, the band is absolutely the best damn band in the world. What do you guys think? Go to the bucket one more time? Is that what you want to do? Oh, my God. All right. Now, normally that would be, you know, a great way to end a show,

and we'd all go out happy. This is a real risk going back to this bucket of destiny one more time. Are you guys sure you want to do this? All right. Let's see what happens. Yeah, Sacramento's like, we know nothing about happy endings. Let's go back to the bucket. Down the street, on the left.

Peah! Put your hands together for your final comedian of the night, Michael Chavez, everyone. Michael Chavez. I feel like there could be multiple Michael Chavez's in this room, so perhaps there's going to be a traffic jam here any moment. Here he comes. One more time for Michael Chavez is in this room, so perhaps there's going to be a traffic jam here any moment. Here he comes. One more time for Michael Chavez.

Oh, this is way more intimidating from this part of the stage. I really hate dating. Like, I'm so single, I get ghosted by foreigners trying to steal my private information. No, I'm so single, I get ghosted by foreigners trying to steal my private information. No, I'm kidding. I'm actually single because I have commitment issues, but it kind of runs in the family. Like, even my mom couldn't commit to my abortion. Yeah. No, it's true.

She said she went to the surgery, and the doctor was really late, and she was really tired, so she fell asleep. And in her sleep, she almost rolled off the table, and she took it as a sign from God to just leave. And I was like, really? Mom? God? The same guy that made you 4'10 with 10 kids, all boys? Yeah. Yeah. 10 10 kids, all boys? Yeah, 10 kids and all boys. My mom has the same amount of kids as you have toes.

And all boys. So imagine if your toes had dicks. Thank you, guys. All right, Michael Chavez, everybody. Holy fuck. There you go. I guess so. Michael Chavez.

There you go. Very good. I'm going to hold on to this thing because I'm scared as shit right now. What do you mean? Why are you so afraid? What's going on, Michael? I have really bad anxiety. Hey, Joel, how you doing?

That was a heavy high five. Ouch. Oh, sorry. I need some infinite CBD after that. So, Michael, what was that? First time doing stand-up? No, actually, I've done it about ten times since May. Ten times since May. Okay. Yes, sir. And what do you do for work?

I'm a merchandise and inventory manager for some random fucking retail chain. Wow, random retail chain. And how do you plead to bombing in the first degree? I liked it. I thought he was silly. I thought that was a lot of fun.

I actually liked him. Thank you, I appreciate it. He's a very likable guy. Despite the abortion material, I liked it. I appreciate it, thank you. That was my favorite part. So is that true? Your mom told you that she was going to have an abortion with you? Yeah. Yeah. When I

was 13, my mom told me that. Wait, why would a mom tell you that? What were you doing? I mean, I don't understand what happens to where she has 10 kids but she almost aborted you. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know why. I mean, I think it was just a really hard time for her at the time. Are you like in the middle somewhere? Oh, yeah. I'm number five. Wow. Number five.

What would make her abort? I just don't understand. I mean, maybe it was the way that you kicked or something like that? Oh, I don't know. No, it was just a really tough time between her and my dad at the time. Yeah, that was my next question. Is it all the same guy for the ten kids?

Uh, no. Yeah, how many different dads in those ten boys? There are five different dads. Whoa, damn. Five dads, two kids each? Oh, shit. Shit. Two kids each? No, no, no, no. No, the first Oh, shit. Shit. Two kids each?

No, no, no. No, the first dad, she had two. The next dad, she had two. We get it. That's enough. I was just going to make a joke about how you guys can all have competitions like two-on-two basketball. Can your mom tie a cherry stimmon and a nut

with her mouth? I've never asked her to and I really don't want to. Don't put that thought into my brain, and I really don't want to. There you go. Don't put that thought into my brain, Brian Redband. God damn it. Hell yeah. Absolutely. So, Michael, what else do you do for fun?

Tell us more about your life. I just adopted two kittens recently. Two kittens? Yeah. Wow. Look at that. I don't know. Same dad or two different dads oh no you know what the funny thing is i found out it actually is two different dads

wow yeah they have two different coats same eyes so they're from the same mom but two different dads kind of like your family so yep so uh your um your you've got two cats. You live by yourself? Yeah, I do live by myself, yeah. Yeah, how long have you lived by yourself? Actually, let's see, since December, so 11 months. 11 months. Yeah.

Absolutely. You ever get any girls back there? I have one that I'm talking to right now. Uh-oh. Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, she's nice. Where'd you meet her at?

Where was she last seen? Over here. Where'd you meet her at? I met her. She works at a casino in Reno. That's where I live, and that's where I met her. Oh, wow. You live in Reno?

Yes, sir. I'm from Fresno, California, but I moved to Reno maybe about 11 months ago. What brings you to Sacramento tonight? To see you, man. You drove here from Reno? Yes, wow. You live in Reno? Yes, sir. I'm from Fresno, California, but I moved to Reno maybe about 11 months ago. What brings you to Sacramento tonight? To see you, man. You drove here from Reno? Yes, sir. Wow. How long of a drive is that?

Two and a half hours, maybe two hours. Jesus, I didn't realize we're that close to Reno. Yeah, yeah. It feels right. We drove further to be here tonight. Yeah, my goodness. Yeah, no, I came yesterday, too. Did the same thing.

That's so cool. You stayed around here? Did you drive back to Reno? No, I had a doctor's appointment this morning, so I had to go back home. How did the doctor's appointment go? I found out I have gallstones. Gallstone, wow. You have a gallstone.

You have any allergies that we need to know? I might be allergic to Oxycontin. You really? Have you been doing that? I don't know what the fuck it's called. Oh, my God. How long have you been to Oxycontin You really? I don't know what the fuck it's called How long have you been doing Oxycontin for? I did it one time And I got really bad shortness of breath My throat kind of started swelling up a little bit

You did it one time? Yeah, just one time When was that? About a week ago And you just loved it, huh? No, I didn't I was in a lot of pain because of my goldstones And one of my friends gave me it About a week ago. And you just loved it, huh? No, I didn't. No. I was in a lot of pain because of my goldstones, and one of my friends gave me it.

So, yeah. Goldstones? Goldstones. Is that a Mexican thing? No, I have goldstones. You have goldstones. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, no, really.

I have goldstones. It's really fucking painful. It sucks. Goldstones. How. Wow. Yeah, no, really. I have goldstones. It's really fucking painful. It sucks. Goldstones. How do you pass it? You look like you have goldstones. Creamery. Gall.

Gall. Look at me. Michael, over here. Gall. Say it. Gall. Gall. Gall.

Goldstones. There you go. That's the word. It's pronounced Tamron. There you go. Tamron, yeah. Booyah. So are they going to end up doing surgery on you?

Are you going to pass them? What happens? No, you can't pass them. You basically have to get your gallbladder taken out. Lucky. Your gallbladder. Do you suck at saying words? I fucking suck

No, no This is one thing that's really bad to me I really fucking suck at saying words Instead of Disneyland, say Disney Disneyland? No, what's the other one? Disney The bigger one

What's the bigger one? Everybody else can say this Oh, Disney World Yeah, even he can say that word That you can't say any day of your life disney world yes very good world so um interesting interesting stuff uh your love life have we talked about this yet uh no i mentioned yeah you've been talking about girl have you how what's the farthest you've gotten with her yet have you put it in her vagina yet no no i haven't put it in her for china um even even even you

you you took that bad version of the word purposefully that i made and you made it even worse you called it a vagina i said a vagina even you you're like no we can we can do worse no i have not put it in her vagina well i mean put it in her vagina. Well, I mean... Put it in my vagina! Just for you, Joel. Yeah, no, we have a lot of great stuff. I don't know if you guys know this or not, but you're not allowed to do Asian accents anymore if you're a white guy.

I don't know if you know this. You're not allowed to do that. However, Asian guys are allowed to try to sound like a white guy. They are. They've been trying for hundreds of years. It's a new stand-up joke that I've been doing. I don't know why I just threw it out

for no reason on this show. Free one. Oh, you guys like that. You guys are an appreciative, smart comedy audience and I love you for that. Can Mexicans do it? Can you do what? An Asian accent?

I don't know. Why don't you try? What does the audience think? Can an American... What do you think? Are you getting in trouble? The Asian lady in the front row signed off on it. Whoa, she did.

Look at that. Give me something to say. What do you want me to say? What should he say? If you're the Asian, you're the resident Asian, you should give him something to say. What do you want me to say? What should he say? If you're the Asian, you're the resident Asian, you should give him something to say. You don't have to do it in the accent. I'll do it for you. I don't care about

SNL. Anything works. He can literally say anything that you want. You could make it your name. You could have him look at you dead in the eye and tell you that you want him to eat your ass. Yeah, whatever.

Oh, okay. Oh, another groan. I don't know what is going on. Me lover you longer time. All right. There you go. All right. Michael Chavez, fun times.

Thanks for coming on this show. There he goes, Michael Chavez, fun times. Thanks for coming on this show. There he goes, Michael Chavez, everybody. And we did it. That's another episode of Kill Tony, episode 401, live from Sacramento. After this show, after this show, there's going to be a little line out there. And if you guys, oh, look, Ryan J. drew tonight's episode. out there and if you guys, oh look, Ryan J drew tonight's episode! After the show, there's going to be a little line

and Ryan J is going to be slinging posters. We're going to be signing them and taking pictures with you and having a bunch of other fun things. There's the new Kill Tony pin, the new Tony Hinchcliffe pin, available with or without facial hair. I draw it on with a Sharpie myself if you want it.

Those are only $10. And there's also the brand new Kill Tony t-shirts. This is the first place that they've ever gone to. They literally just went for sale. You're the first people that have a chance of getting the new Kill Tony. That's not it. The new Kill Tony. Kill Tony t-shirts.

And there's a lot of Death Squad shirts out there. Posters. The gayest calendar you'll ever see is out there. How about another hand for the great, the one and the only, Jeremiah Watkins, huh? Jeremiah is the leader of the band. He's also the host of Jeremiah Wonders, the podcast. He's on YouTube at Jeremiah Watkins and social media, Jeremiah's Stand Up. And the gayest calendar in the history of all time.

The Kill Tony the Band calendar is for sale. They sold a record amount last night, and they're also for sale here tonight. Jeremiah? Yes, I've got some headlining dates I'd like to plug real quick. November 16th, Huntington Beach. Also in St. Louis, the 29th through 30th of November. And I'll be in Kansas City December 19th through 21st. And Chicago January 2nd through 4th.

Tickets at jeremiahwatkins.com. Thank you. Love you guys. There you go. And how about one more time for the one and only silent but deadly Chroma Chris, ladies and gentlemen. He batted 1,000 tonight. Chroma, what did you think about tonight's episode? This show will never lose its appeal.

That's a... And then here we are. A lot of work for this guy tonight. How about one more time for the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Busy episode. Busy episode. Busy episode. I saw this guy throw a white cock at a snare drum four times tonight.

You know that's a busy day at the office. That's right. He's on social media, mostly sorry. He's sponsored by Ludwig. He's one of the official artists. Right between Dave Grohl and fucking... John Bonham, Ringo Starr. Yep.

Anything else? I want to give a shout out to Brian Redband for taking a fucking flight home to grab equipment and come back to you're the real hero tonight. Yeah. What a superhero. He forgot the equipment in Los Angeles. Yeah. Let's give him more shout outs. But he did what it took to get it all

back together. And I love you, Brian. Yes, absolutely. What a great. Let's give him a Joel Berg extra credit. Joel if you loved him you would have never brought it up on this podcast. Yes indeed. Red Band

flew all the way to L.A. today and back. Because he forgot his equipment in Los Angeles yesterday. Or there was five comics all outside my house with 20 suitcases, and that was the one suitcase we left outside. Never mind.

I take it back. Yes, there you go. Thank you, Joel. There you go. I love you. Shout out to all the people that don't forget their most massive responsibilities of work and life. But how about one more hand for Red Band? Sure.

Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you, Tony. Thank you so much. I'm not three hours asleep. I love you. And make sure you Google image Kathy before you go to bed tonight. And go to InfiniteCBD.com, use the code

Tony15 and save 15% on all the amazing products. We're not selling anything crazy. We literally believe in this product. Use it. Use the promo code so that they know we sent you. Sacramento, these last two nights, I swear to God, you guys that have been here know

they're two of my favorite episodes ever. Thank you guys so much for coming out. Love you guys. We love you. Good night. Good night. Let's go.ご視聴ありがとうございました Продолжение следует...