KILL TONY - KILL TONY #403

Episode Date: October 23, 2019

KILL TONY MANIA, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 10/18/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.TV. There you have every episode of Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show. And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live. We are this week going to be in Australia, October 25th, Brisbane, October 26th, Melbourne, October 27th, Sydney. And then November 7th, we are in Washington, D.C. We added a second show because the first show sold out. So check us out in Washington, D.C., November 7th.

December 12th, we're going to be in our hometown, Columbus, Ohio, at the Newport Music Hall. December 14th, we're going to be in Pittsburgh. December 15th, in Cleveland. So go to Death Squad and click on Tour dates for all the up to date Information and ticket links Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website TonyHinchcliffe.com There he has his stand up shows and a bunch of merch

Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com Ryan J. Ebelt He's the house artist he has a brand new Kill Tony book shipping now So go to RyanJEbelt.com And last but not least ShopSquad.tv Brand new Kill Tony book shipping now. So go to ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. There you have the official Kill Tony shirts that just went on sale.

And they're almost sold out. So if you haven't got one, get it now. We also have Death Squad hats and shirts, brand new. Check it out, shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Brian Redman coming from Cobb Comedy Company in San Francisco, California for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Media 2. San Francisco. This is it.

This is the Late Show. Let's fucking go. Make some noise. Yeah, how about one more time? good luck for the podfather himself, the great Brian Redman, everybody. I'm so drunk. The master of podcasts. We are here for Kill Tony Mania 2, the late show.

Live. How fucking exciting is this, man? And hey, look, it's the house artist, Ryan Chaebo, right over there, all the way from Los Angeles. He draws every single episode of the show, including tonight's. While you all sit there enjoying yourself, he's going to be drawing

tonight's episode. So much fun stuff happening. Wow. You're really into playing DJ right now, huh? I'm DJ Brian. Yeah. DJ Dead Pig over here. Alright. This is exciting. Very good. Alright. We keep going

on the road. We're having a lot of fun. We have two more sold out. How many of you guys are coming tomorrow? Huh? You guys are very lucky. I put a lot of fucking effort and thought into this crazy shit. So we're going to have a lot of fun tonight and tomorrow as well. We go on to Australia just this week after this. Wednesday we fly going to have a lot of fun tonight and tomorrow as well. We go on to Australia

just this week after this. Wednesday we fly off to Brisbane. Friday shows Melbourne on Saturday and Sydney on Sunday. Then we go to D.C. in early November. We just announced Columbus, Ohio at the Newport Music Hall in December on the 12th and the 14th in Pittsburgh at the Rex Theater and the 15th in

Cleveland at the House of Blues, Calgary, Canada in January. But we're here tonight, live in San Francisco. Kill Tony Mania's are very special shows. How many of you were at Kill Tony Mania last year? That's a pretty good amount. Clearly nobody in the back was here last year. Only the front is reacting

to any question that I asked so far. How about people in the back? How many of you were here last year? A little loyal following. A lot of new fans this past year. Fun fact, we did episode 300 here last year, and we just did episode 400 in Sacramento. We're on 404 or 403 right now.

Something crazy. Best massage parlors ever. It's unbelievable. You guys know how it works, and you might know that on the road shows we normally go guestless but tonight on Kill Tony Mania is one of the special things is you get to see some of your favorite

people in the show's history do panel after they do a special guest spot we alternate bucket and guest spots and things like that so there you go now you guys may know if you're real fans of the show that we do have a band on this show, ladies and gentlemen. It's a real thing.

They do characters every single episode. We never know if they're going to be something from the past that we've seen before, a brand-new character. Like the last episode, the famous cat burglars made a return. We don't know what they're going to be tonight. Let's all find out together. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land. Some of my funniest friends.

It's the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins. Chroma Chris. Special guest tonight joining the band, Jesse Johnson. And on drums, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Make some noise, everybody. Oh, no fucking way.

Wait a second. No way. This is my favorite TV show of all time, The Golden Girls, ladies and gentlemen. We've never seen them on this show before. This is the first time that The Golden Girls have ever been on. I'd remember it if it happened. Oh my God. Jeremiah Watkins clearly be Arthur

tonight. The leader of the pack. Vroom vroom. First time Jeremiah's wearing the clothing how he acts every day on the road. There it is. That's an actual outfit. Jeremiah, you're B. Arthur, am I correct? Dorothy, how you doing?

Oh, going by the character names. Okay, I'm going to write that down. Dorothy. Hell yeah. You're the transgender one. Alright, Brian's just floating out the first thing that comes to his head so far tonight. Here we are. That's all true. And you're clearly the intoxicated one, honey. You need some help.

Oh, he didn't get his joke out because you hit the Golden Girls theme. Next to him, we have Jesse Johnson joining the band, everybody. How exciting. And you are, I'm guessing, Rose, right? I'm Rose. Oh, and Tony.

Oh, Tony. I just got the name of the show. Oh, my God. Rose, you. I just got the name of the show. Oh, my God. Rose, you're so oblivious. Fuck yeah. And clearly next to her we have what is so blatantly Blanche unless you look at her at all. Hello, Tony. Hi, Blanche.

You could be my own San Francisco treat. I eat you up. Hell yeah, there you go. Fuck yeah. And clearly over here, the one and the only Joel's grandmother. Name's Sophia Zbornak.

I'm Italian and I'm old. Hi, Sophia. Hell yeah. You seem like you've never seen Golden Girls. Picture this. San Francisco, 2019. Kill Tony Mania 2. Don't worry about it, pussycat. Fuck yeah. I'm excited about this.

You guys excited? The Golden Girls are here, everybody. And of course we have a We have a whole other part of this show The Bucket of Destiny everybody A bunch of people signed up for the opportunity To come on this stage Do 60 seconds of what's supposed to be Stand up comedy uninterrupted

And then we interview you And talk with you about your life Find out more interesting stuff about you. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry Castro District Bear.

Oh my god. Wow. This is real tonight. This is really happening. I'm excited about this. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? Here we go. But, since this is Kill Tony Mania, what do you say, before we go to the bucket, let's

just start with a special treat. You guys like special treats? Let's fucking do it. Ladies and gentlemen, we have regulars on this show. You guys like regulars? People that you get to watch grow over time and go on to do even bigger and greater things. A lot of people say this is like a modern-day SNL or Tonight Show

where you see comedic talent from the future. Would you guys agree? I present to you the newest regular on Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, he's taken the whole show by a storm. I present to you one of my favorite Top Young Rising comedians in the world. It's David Lucas, everybody. With a brand new minute. Never seen before minute

from David Lucas. Yeah. There's a lot of racism in the world. In case you guys didn't know. But you know what the most racist things are? Nursery rhymes.

Did you guys know that nursery rhymes are racist? The most racist nursery rhyme is bye-bye black sheep. You ever heard the lyrics? Bye-bye black sheep, have you any wool? Yessa, yessa, three bags full. Bob Blacksheep, have you any wool? Yessa, yessa, three bags full. One for my master.

Like, hold up, what the fuck these white people got me reading in the second grade? The most racist place in the world is a laundromat. Did you guys know that shit? Think about it. You can't wash the whites with the coloreds. The most racist place in the world is a laundromat. Did you guys know that shit? Think about it. You can't wash the whites with the coloreds. Then you can't wash the dark coloreds with the light coloreds.

And then the dark colors can't get hot water. Like why the fuck the dark clothes can't get hot water? I don't see all that. Fuck yeah, David Lucas. Another brand new minute. Fuck yeah, David Lucas. Another brand new minute. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Heck yeah.

What's going on? Fuck yeah, we have learned. And I said, hey. Hey, fuck yeah. We learned in Sacramento a couple nights ago that David Lucas has an affinity for white people music. My favorite band growing up was Hootie and the Blowfish and Matchbox 20. Hell yeah.

Fuck yeah. You look like Hootie ate the Blowfish. Hey, what was your favorite Hootie and the Blowfish song to karaoke? The only one that they had a hit with. You talking about Let Her Cry?

No, the other one. I'm drunk. I'm not drunk, but I'm tipsy. Oh, shit. Fuck yeah. I think you and Red Banner. Hold My Hand? Oh, Okie Dokie.

No. Let's just relax a little bit there. Matchbox 20. Is there something you want to sing? 3 AM. You want to go acapella or you want the background music? I think the band can hold me down. The band got you.

Wow, they actually do know it. Did you guys plan this? Baby, it's 3 a.m., I must be lonely. Yeah. What's the other way? That's good. Said I don't know if I've ever been good enough. I'm a little bit rusty.

Fuck yeah, man. I want to push you around. Well, I will. Well, I will. Well, I will. Well, I will. Well, I will. I want to take you for granted. What the fuck just happened?

I can't believe how much of this song he knows. I want to take you for granted. Well, I will. I will. Fuck yeah, David Lucas. Getting the show started with a bang. You know what, David? Put that mic stand up there David Lucas is gonna join panel right now

He's gonna stay up here Cause this is fucking Kill Tony Mania And that's how shit works Absolutely You guys ready to go to the bucket For the very first time tonight? Anything can happen Maybe it's somebody's first time

Maybe it's somebody that's a comedy vet A local hero anything can happen. Maybe it's somebody's first time. Maybe it's somebody that's a comedy vet, a local hero. Anything can happen. Your first comedian going up tonight, getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds and then talking with us about their lives goes by the name of John Holt. John Holt.

Oh! By the way, you go up right here. Come on, everybody. One more time, good and loud for John Holt. Straight out of the bucket. Live in San Francisco. What's up, everybody? How are you doing tonight? Alright, so

let's start off light. Who here is into butt sex? Sounds like mostly guys. That checks out. So, I'm a nurse. I had an interesting question from a patient the other day. The patient had ostomy, so they have a new stoma. They had an interesting question from a patient the other day. The patient had ostomy, so they have a new stoma. They had part of their bower moved, and they asked me,

I think some of you are with me, if they can still have butt sex. And we talked about that, and they were pleased to find out that their shitter wasn't a shitter anymore, and that things were going to be going a lot more smooth moving forward. I got invited to a gender reveal party a couple weeks back. It was kind of strange because I didn't have any friends that were pregnant. weeks back. It's kind of strange because I didn't have any friends that were pregnant. Hell yeah. One more

time for John Holt, everybody. John, keep the mic out of the mic stand. You're gonna need that. Put it right up to your mouth. Right up there. Fuck yeah. Just like that. You were talking with it down. It was like you were doing a puppet act with your penis. The microphone was

so low. It was incredible. How the fuck do I hear him right now? His lips are moving, but welcome to the show. Thank you. Did you create Rick and Morty? No. No. Definitely not. He's a different version. He looks more like Sick and Forty.

Sick and Forty? That's funny. Alright, fuck it. We'll warm up. How are you, buddy? Good. How's it going? I've never seen Steven Spielberg with leukemia before.

This is exciting. What middle school are you a nurse at? Trauma Center. That's so cool. How long have you been a nurse for? About five years. Oh, that's awesome. Oh, hello.

Heck yeah. How about these ladies? a nurse for? About five years. Oh, that's awesome. Oh, hello. Heck yeah. How about these ladies? You see anything wrong with them? Looks like Estelle Getty's drinking a bottle of Coors Light over here tonight. I've had a long, rough life, Tony. Sophia, you're a rock star. I like it.

How long have you been doing comedy, John? First time ever on stage. First time ever on stage, everybody. How about that? The goat of the first time. You ever been on stage doing anything before of any kind? No, I do some teaching sometimes. I have to talk to people. What do you teach?

Just part of the nursing. Nursing. Heck yeah. What's the craziest thing you've ever had to take care of or seen as a nurse? My mother. Dorothy, nothing's ever changed with you. The Golden Girls are the best of all time. Do you have to take care of your mother? Yeah, what have you seen?

I do. You ever seen? I recently left the cardiac floor. I'm a wound and ostomy nurse, so I deal with some pretty intense, crazy wounds. Like what? Like what happens? What have you seen?

Hey, there you go. Wow, that's incredible. Red band, that's crazy. Yeah, early. Yeah, I can't believe you blew that that early. There goes your one fart noise talking about intense wounds you ever seen Blanche's pussy hey now

mother mother David Lucas what do you think about this guy you ever seen a guy like this he has the haircut of a guy that fucks black women and help their kids with homework is he right is he close to this you ever have sex with a black woman before yeah but no homework involved whoa no homework did you take her Is he right? Is he close to this? You ever have sex with a black woman before?

Yeah, but no homework involved Did you take her blood pressure? Pre-nursing Wow It was just a one-time thing? You went black and then you went back? Yeah, off and on She totaled his car She actually gave me a car She gave you her car?

Her grandmother's car. It might be stolen. Just because... What kind of girl gives a guy a car? It has nothing to do... All right. Anyway. Yes, there is a wolf involved in this somehow.

So, John, what else about you? What are your hobbies and stuff? You seem like the kind of guy that has the new Mario Kart for the iPhone. It's so good! No. Trouble with that steering, right? You can't figure it out. The thumb.

I play soccer. That explains the haircut. You look like if Edward Snowden actually got snowed in. I removed my goalie 20 years ago. Wait, does that mean you can't get pregnant anymore? Yep. Wow.

Do you play soccer, John? Yeah, I do. And I coach my son, but I play on companies. Oh, you have a son. Yeah. How many kids do you have? Just one, six. Just one, six years old.

Was this with the African-American woman? No, with my wife of 10 years. Oh, you've had a wife for 10 years. That's cool. What does she do? She's HR director at a university, liberal arts college. Awesome. Snitch.

Okey-dokey. Yes, it is awesome, Brian. Very good. Wow. What's your favorite thing to do to her in the bedroom? You seem like the kind of guy that knows how to fucking... Listen.

You fuck through your boxer hole, don't you? That's a good point. David Lucas made a good point. He has a theory that John fucks with his boxers on. I can picture that. You pull your boner. Hard to made a good point. He has a theory that John fucks with his boxers on. I can picture that. You pull your boner. Hard to pull a boner out of that wiener hole in boxers, but I feel like you sort of

lift the boxers over it. I feel like you don't really grab it and finagle it through. I feel like you pull on your boxers. I feel like you have a flex band type of boxer. Am I correct? Yeah, that's correct. Thank you very much. He wants the lights on. Lights on, boner through the boxer hole.

Air freshener plug. Is that obvious? Yep, yep, absolutely. You still light a candle, though. It's not her idea. It's always yours. You like the smell. Yeah, something like musky, usually.

You're musky? No, okay. Well, there you go. You're romantic? Yeah. What are your thoughts? I wouldn't're romantic? What are your thoughts? I wouldn't say that. What are your thoughts on foreplay? Necessary?

Yeah, what would you do with the four of us women? What would you do if you were given the opportunity with the Golden Girls? Let's say the Golden Girls had a fucking one felon couldn't get up. I'd probably get a bucket of destiny make them put their names in that was horrible

Jesus I mean and then what we do a better minute of stand up than you could I'm sure yeah for sure I don't even know what you meant by that I don't even know what you were even trying to he's gonna fuck whoever he pulls from the bucket I'm glad you got a good job I thought he meant charades

well John I'll tell you this. It's a hard job to follow David Lucas on this show, especially if it's your first time ever doing stand-up. You know, work on your technique. Go do it again if it's something you want to do. Hold the microphone up to your mouth next time you do it, though.

There he goes. John Holt, everybody. Fuck yeah, John. There you go. Oh, he left me hanging. That's all right. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I don't know what. Fuck yeah, John. There you go. Oh, he left me hanging. That's all right. Oh, thank you, John. Thank you. Thank you. I don't know what I would have done had you not come back. He left me hanging, but after he watches his set here tonight, he's the one that's going to be hanging himself.

How about that? There you go. That was good, Brian. That was good. Alright, pull the name out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there? Anything can happen. Put your hands together for Connor Lonsdale.

Connor Lonsdale, the bucket of destiny has made a decision on you. And the sky is gray. I went for a walk, went for a walk, on a winter's day. One more time for Connor Lonsdale, everybody. Bukake is a genre of pornography.

It's from Japan. And what it is, is there'll be one lady, and then they have like a hundred guys all cum on her face. Yeah. I have watched some of these films. I've formulated an opinion. Too much cum. Who needs that much cum? Nobody. Cum in her mouth, cum in her hair, cum in her eyes. This fucking greedy bitch is hogging up all the cum. Hey, lady, save some for the rest of us.

A lot of people say they feel sorry for the lady. You know who I feel sorry for? That hundredth guy. He finally gets up there, he's like, oh, is she even gonna notice? Fuck yeah. Connor Launcadale, everybody. Really?

Where? Well, there you go. A couple of times. Way to really take it over there, Brian. It's an obvious take. Yes, exactly. I was gonna take a more of a comedy approach to it. I'm gonna bing it, all right? Okey-dokey.

Okay. So Connor Lonsdale, everybody. One more time for Connor. Sure, he did it. Connor, my first question. Did you just get the internet? This Bukkake thing, you know, it's been a thing for a while you explained it to everybody I guarantee you if these people are here at Kill Tony Mania they know what the fuck a Bukkake is am I right people

this is the Bukkake ballroom of stand up comedy these people are here for blood guts and cum am I right people yes you spent 30 seconds explaining what a fucking bukkake is so with that said i definitely i mean how long you been on stand-up about a year yeah man a year it's i am with brian i wouldn't have hit it right away right from the gut like he did i was gonna

build up sorry but we've definitely you know what i mean. There's people, since bukkakis have been a thing for so long, I mean, obviously brand new to you. I didn't know. What do you mean you didn't know? I didn't know until like within the last year. There must be something on porn sites that you're so into that you've been ignoring everything else. Like you must be the king of big tits. You must just like any letter you type in on your first search bar,

you find out there's a big tit website that must pop up immediately. There must be something. Okay, I'm going to check in with the great B. Arthur Dorothy. First of all, never heard of a bukkake before. I found it very educational, very informational.

And I think this guy's cute. Oh, look at that. Thank you for being a friend And I think this guy's cute. Oh, look at that. Thank you for being a friend. I think she wants to travel down the road and back again. Step away from the talent. Mother! You've been doing it a year, all here in San Francisco?

Yeah. What part of town do you live in? I live in Oakland. Oh, Oakland. That's considered the tough side of San Francisco. A nice city to the rest of America, but the tough part of San Francisco. The Florida of California. Connor.

So we just figured out what a bukkake is. And you wrote a joke about it. But, yeah. The funny thing about your bukkake joke is, like Brian said, it's been covered. Ha. Ha ha. Yeah, man. You got balls, though. You do have balls.

Thank you. Are you thinking of a specific? No, the joke's funny because it's been, again, since people have known about Bukakis for, I don't know, 15 years or so, people have talked about what it would be like to be the last guy. But it's funny.

I was making a joke because it's covered like a girl in a Bukaki video. It's been covered. I can't wait to hear this guy's jokes on airplane food. Ha ha ha ha. Are black people and white people different? What's dating like? Okay, that's enough.

You're really attacking him. Sorry, my daughter's being a buffoon. We got a black president. What's going on, B. Arthur? You seem dumbfounded by something. Brian just took a drink of beer and spilled it all over his shirt. Did not notice at all. Oh, wow.

He is completely covered in beer. Chest hair? That's not beer. It just soaks in. There you go. It becomes a gummy bear later. Why don't we switch that to apple juice, honey? Alright, okay. You too. Very good. Alright. Wow.

So, Connor, anything interesting about you and your life? You've seen the show before, right? Yeah, I've been here. I was here last year. So what do you think is something you could tell us about you that will win you over with this crowd? A life story or something interesting? Fun fact about you? Not much. I deliver weed for a living. Yeah, you're right. Anything else other than that? I'm a musician. Yeah, what kind of music do you play?

Rock and roll. Rock and roll, wow. of music do you play? Rock and roll. Rock and roll, wow. What instrument do you play? Drums. You get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. How long have you played the drums for? Like 14 years.

Oh, no, no. I don't practice that much. Well, I mean, you know... How long? Like 13, 14 years. Jesus fucking Christ. Then I guess we have to do it. Every once in a while, something magical happens

where we find someone that knows how to play the drums, and it's always exciting. And do you know the situation? You know about what a Mexican drum-off is? I do. For those of you that don't know in the audience, there is an opportunity here for Connor to become the new drummer of Kill Tony.

He would replace Strollberg Joel Jimenez. This would be, as with all Mexican drum-offs, an immediate effect. He would be the drummer for the band for the two shows sold out here tomorrow night for the remainder of the show, and you'd be going to Australia with us this Wednesday. This is a really big deal.

Now, you guys get to decide in the end who wins. This is based on drumming, technique, ability, comedic performance, overall showmanship, you know, everything. You guys are the deciders. It's Kill Tony Mania. I will warn you all, Joel Berg has never been defeated before

in Mexican drum-offs. He's undefeated all time. Defended his throne just last night in Sacramento, but here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you for the first time ever, Connor Lonsdale. He's taking off his fanny pack. He just took off his

fanny pack. He's sitting behind the drums. Connor, you're talking to that microphone. Can someone help Connor with that mic? Connor, are you ready to attempt to become the new drummer of Kill Tony? I'm ready. Ladies and gentlemen, Connor Lonsdale.

Here we go. Oh, shit. Very good. Whoa. Whoa. Wow, Connor Lonsdale. There he is doing that thing you do. Connor Lonsdale, everybody.

That was a good performance. Very jazzy, right? I'm surprised he said that he does rock and roll and drums like that, but he gave us a little jazz addition here. Heck yeah, he's got beats, and he also looks like he eats a lot of beats too. Let's talk about your opponent for a second.

All time undefeated in this competition. He takes this very seriously. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, here to defend his throne, the one, the only, king of Mexican drum-offs, Joel Barjol Jimenez! Oh my God.

Wow. This is frightening. He's wearing stockings. He has a purple giant dildo, the classic purple dildo in his hand that we've seen before. He has a brand new medium-sized white penis coming out of his forehead.

This is incredible. We've never seen anything like this before. The guy that just found out about bukkakis definitely has never seen anything like this before. This is very exciting. Joel's giant cock is basically visible through the stockings. He still has a sock over it,

but it's still very visible. Are you guys ready to see Joel Berg defending his throne, undefeated all time? I present to you the Kill Tony drummer, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Wow. Oh, this is awesome. Whoa! Whoa!

He's got a bottle of beer! This is crazy! He's got a bottle of beer He's chugging a bottle of beer He's chugging a bottle of beer He's dying on the stage He's dying He just mooned him He's dying. He just mooned him. He's just mooned him. He's angry. He's doing the angry unicorn.

Oh my god. Oh, he's laying down. Whoa, reverse somersault. Oh no. It's the gay seizure. He's doing the gay seizure everybody. Oh. Drumstick toss. He just lost a tooth, perhaps.

I just coughed something up. I don't know what it was. It might have been a Zantac. A white chunk just came from his lung to finish the job off. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, how many of you have Connor Lonsdale winning this thing right here? Wow, you got verbal boos. How many of you have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez retaining?

Wow. He takes this very seriously. The crowd looks, oh, my God, Joel, get off the table. Get off the table, Joel. That is not allowed. We have expensive equipment up here. Wow. All right, there he goes.

Connor Lonsdale, everybody. One more time for Connor. He almost got hit in the head with a dildo there to finish things off. I knew Joel wasn't going to lose to a Tony Hawk character. It was unbelievable. Joel, I mean, I see... These fucking chumps.

You take this very seriously. It's the best night of that fucking idiot's life. How about one more time for Joel Berg, huh? Putting it all out there. He's got all the energy in the world. He just grabbed his dildos. He's so happy right now. Can I just say I've never seen the side of my mother

before? I just bukkake'd that dude. What do you guys think we do a special treat to keep this fucking momentum going, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, we have another regular on this show. He is a very controversial figure in the history of Kill Tony.

This is considered a regular that either you love him or you hate him. There is nobody down the middle on this guy. I absolutely love him. I think he's one of the silliest, funniest fucking goofballs in the world. Put your hands together for one of my favorite comedians. It's the great William Montgomery everybody. Here he is.

Live in the flesh. Come on San Francisco. It's William Montgomery. Let's give it up for Barry Bonds. Let's give it up for Fool House! So, uh, there's gravity in here, right? That is the dice-shooting gambler when he ends up in space.

I've been going to the grocery store with my mom a lot recently and every time she's like, William, just say hi to people this time. Let's give it up for Alcatraz! Let's give a moment of silence for my uncle Richard Alcatraz! He directed movies such as Draws the Revenge and Speed 2. He was a trailblazer.

He actually got killed on Alcatraz. He was gang-related. Total nightmare. My mom couldn't deal with the loss. She started taking Zantac. I started taking Zantac. I started taking Zantac. Hell yeah. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

Fuck yes. Wow. Another Zantac thing. Yeah, it is another Zantac thing. Yeah, yeah. Zantac. Are you really going to say that right now? No, I mean... You guys have been getting quite argumentative lately.

It almost seems sort of contrived at this point. Hot topic. Get it. What's going on with you two? Is there a little rivalry going on? What are you guys doing? The weight gain challenge or something? No, no, no.

Weight. I've actually lost weight. Yeah? How'd you lose it, William? What's your diet? P90X. Really? You've been doing P90X? I don't know if y'all do P90X.

It's a lot of push-ups, a lot of body weight stuff. Yeah, can you, you mind doing some push-ups for us? How many of you want to see William do some push-ups right now? Whoa, he's actually going to do it. I don't know what's going to happen here, ladies and gentlemen. Before you do these push-ups. Wait, wait, ladies and gentlemen. Before you do these push-ups... Wait, wait, wait. Relax, Brian.

No, don't do... Brian, what are you doing? Brian. I just hit you in the head. No, I just hit you in the head. Brian clearly roofied himself tonight, everybody. He threw the bucket with names at William

while the crowd wanted to see him do pushups. No, no, I'm not giving him anything. I mean, not this asshole. There you go. Fuck yeah, all right. The show will continue now. I don't know. This is some of improv guru

magic happening right now we are watching William do pushups for the first time ever whole crowd's into it fuck yeah, here we go let's see what happens here, are we gonna count them out with him? yep I do 50

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17. Wow, he's fucking with us. 21, 22, 26, 34, 49, 2, 3. Fuck yeah. William Montgomery,

everybody. Oh my god. Is there a male nurse anywhere? Ha! How about we have William join the panel, huh? Let's have him Oh my god, is there a male nurse anywhere? How about we have William join the panel, huh? Let's have him be a guest for the next part of the show. Things are getting interesting here. This is a spicy episode of Kill Tony.

What's going on over here? I think they're trying to decide who's going to be Santa Claus. You guys want to go back to the bucket, huh? Just saw William do push-ups. How about a hand for the band, everybody? Where's Joelberg? Joelberg getting

turning back into Sophia? Mother had to take a quick nap. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's keep this fun train moving along. Put your hands together for Anthony turning back into Sophia? Mother had to take a quick nap. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's keep this fun train moving along. Put your hands together for Anthony C. Anthony C.

Here we go. You would know. Step back from that fucking ledge. Please step back from, step back from that ledge one more time for Anthony C everybody how's it going just moved here from New York

it's pretty awesome here I just hate the double standards for instance when women sit on pianos it's sexy but when pianos sit on women, they're dead. I bought a CB to fuck with the police. Figured I'd screw with their radio. It was pretty awesome.

The trick is that you have to pretend you're a kid, so this way they'll let you not go to prison. I did that, and it worked. But they started flirting with me. I'm a literal person. My girlfriend, when she gives me head, I sing the cranberries. It's in your head

Beyonce Remember when she sang those lyrics I don't think you're ready for this jelly This is why I know racism exists Because Out of all the celebrity chefs this is why I know racism exists. Because out of all the celebrity chefs, why doesn't she have a fucking TV show? Oh, my God.

Thank you. Fuck yeah, Anthony C., everybody. There you go. There you go. Wow, that was something. I've always wondered what Ray Romano would be like with a brain injury. That's great. Ha! Very good.

He looks like Red Band's kid. Oh, boy. Be careful. He might throw the bucket of names at you. It's a wild one tonight. Or an iPad. Anthony, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up for?

My first day ever. Whoa, first day ever. That's so cool. First day? Yes. Fuck yeah. Like at school? No, I just...

I got really fucked up for this. Yeah? How'd you get fucked up? What'd you do? I did a little weed and some alcohol. You did a little weed? Are you an undercover cop? No.

I did a little weed. How much weed undercover cop? No. I did a little weed. How much weed did you do? A lot. Yeah? I thought you said a little. No, no. Well, I did a lot. Sorry, yeah.

All right. How much is a lot to you? No, I have a pretty high tolerance. I had to really fucking smoke for this shit. Yeah. So, like, how much did you smoke? So, I have, like, you know, obviously the oils, the concentrates, and the joints, and the edibles.

So what did you smoke? What did you do tonight? I did it all. Wow. You talk like a narc. I have the thing and the highs and the lows, and if you want the uppers or the poppers. I have all the grade two felonies. I smoked all the misdemeanors

and I ate some of the... What's your ringtone? My ringtone? I don't use ringtones. I use vibration. Call your ringtone right now. Call your ringtone right now. What does that mean?

Okie dokie. So what do you do for work? I make space technology. Oh, wow. Fuck yeah. How long have you been doing that? Are you sure you do that or is that just what you think you do after you do all the drugs you just

said that you did? No, I do that. Smart people smoke weed too. Yeah, no, I get it. What the fuck's that supposed to mean, you little piece of shit? Just bomb for 60 seconds and you're saying I'm stupid? No. Alright, I like your style, dude.

So when you're not doing space show, what do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of guy that I'm trying to get back into playing music Yeah, what type of music do you play? Guitar Oh, thank God Have you ever been, you ever sing?

Yeah, I sang What type of music do you sing? Damn, it's been fucking 10 years, man Oh, it's been 10 years Wow, real singer you are. It's been. Classic. It's punk music.

Yeah. What's your love life like? You ever fucking. I have a girlfriend. Whoa. Hell yeah. Yep. Oh, boy.

All right. I don't think we need to go that loud for anything ever again for the rest of the show's history. This guy's an animal, I can tell. I know. Hell yeah. Brian is totally present. So, girlfriend for how long? 12 years.

12 years. How do you keep it romantic in the bedroom? What's your trick? You ever fucking go down her Milky Way or something like that? Just like you start off with like a shitty gift. You know like you start off with one pump and then over the years you add more pumps

and then it... Fuck yeah. Are you talking about the... What do you do? You have an inflatable dildo that you use on her or something? You're talking about actual like thrusts in and out? You gotta like suck in the beginning. No, you gotta like. I gotta like suck in the beginning.

So this way, later on, I have room to like improve and then, you know, it works over the years. So you started horrible on purpose. Yes. And then later on, I was really good and, you know, she's still happy after 12 years. Wow, that's incredible. Or you guys are codependent.

What's the craziest thing you've ever done in the bedroom with her? You guys ever eat each other's asses out or anything like that? What is the craziest thing? We fucked at her dad's job. You fucked at her dad's job? Yeah.

Her dad works on bukkake sets. What's her dad's job? He's a dentist. Oh, fuck yeah. You drilled her, huh? Yeah. I like that. Was it really in the dentist chair?

No, no, no. We should have done it in the dentist chair. We did it on the floor. I don't know what the fuck. You're a drug addict. Yeah, yeah, I think so. On the floor of the waiting room or on the floor of one of the dental rooms where all the fucking plaque flies to

and everything. Like the waiting room with the magazines and everything, like right around there. You gave her the mask, you're like, here, just breathe this in. Did y'all break in? Nothing better than wiping yourself off with cum with the newest edition of Cosmopolitan Magazine.

Fucking old dentist waiting room fucking. At any point was she like, next. No, she's still there. Waiting room joke. Alright, well anything else crazy about you that you think we should know, Anthony? You ever fucking go frisbee golfing

with all your old compact discs or anything like that? You always ask for interesting stories. This lady gave me a baby on the subway, and she said I gotta pee. Okay, go ahead. I'm sorry. It didn't mean to ruin this joke.

I guess it wasn't that interesting. I don't know. You were in the middle of telling a story. There's no reason why him saying one thing should have pulled you off. Oh, I don't know. She gave me a baby. You got a fucking baby on the subway and then? She said, I gotta pee. And it was on the subway and there's no

fucking bathroom. So I don't know if she was abandoning the baby or something. I have no idea what was going on. Wow. Wow. There really wasn't an ending to that story. So what did you do after she gave you the baby? Yeah, did you raise the child? What's going on with this thing?

I thought I was going to be a father for a second But I assumed she was going to pop a squat I don't know what was going to happen Did you start off bad with the baby too? At first you just held it for a little bit There goes Anthony C, everybody One more time for Anthony C with the baby too. Like at first you just held it for a little bit. Here goes Anthony C. everybody.

Thank you. One more time for Anthony C. It's adorable. Very cute. How many of you are having fun out there on this late edition of Kill Tony Mania?

Friday night. Okay, your next comedian goes by the name of Nikos Crowley. Here we go. Nikos Crowley is making his way to the stage. Nikos Crowley, here he comes. Nikos Crowley. Here he comes. Come on, guys.

Make some noise one more time for Nikos Crowley. Hello. Thank you. I bought some Girl Scout cookies recently. This is one of my coworkers who doesn't understand boundaries. And I noticed that they changed the name of Samoas to Caramel Delights, I guess, in an effort to be more progressive. I do agree that Caramel Delights is a much more progressive and also sexy name for a Polynesian.

Caramel Delights is actually my aunt's nickname for the rocks, so she was considered well ahead of her time. Columbus Day just happened. We're part Italian, so every year around Columbus Day my dad will go on this big rant about how Columbus wasn't Spanish, he was really Italian. He's like, don't believe what you read growing up. Columbus wasn't Spanish, he was really Italian.

That's how behind the times my dad is. He thinks people are trying to take credit for the shit that Columbus did when he got here. I just hit him down like, Dad, that might have been a point of pride when you were growing up. Now he's kind of considered a genocidal maniac, so maybe let the Spanish take credit.

Want to do something for the Italians? Start a rumor that Joe Paterno is Puerto Rican. There's more of these. Nico's Crowley. Wow. Smart, funny, well-paced.

Timing, execution. How long have you been doing stand-up? We'll say four years, Tony. Why would you say four years? Because you've been doing it for seven. You took a one-year break. Yeah, hiatuses. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you do for work? I work for an insurance company. Oh, really? My goodness. Look at you. Yeah, it, yeah, yeah. What do you do for work? I work for an insurance company. Oh, really? My goodness. Look at you. Yeah, it's hot stuff. One of the big ones? Yeah, one of the big ones.

Yeah, that's cool. So you're pretty successful? Like, I mean, you're pretty set off? Got a nice little house out in fucking... Can afford to survive in the Bay Area, pretty much. In the Castro District, just fucking kicking it? Yeah. I don't know. What part of town do you live in? I live in the East Bay, pretty much. The Castro District, just fucking kicking it. Yeah. I don't know.

What part of town do you live in? I live in the East Bay. East Bay. Oakland. Hell yeah. Yeah. Oh, shit. I love it.

Daily City or something like that, right? No, I'm kidding. I don't know. It's the opposite side. That's fun. Palo Alto. What do you do for work? I feel like being an insurance guy, you must have some extreme secret other double life, right?

Some guy that just fucking wraps himself up in latex, puts a ball gag in your mouth, and just falls on stuff with your butthole. Am I close to right about that? I am an acquaintance with Paul Giamatti, but... Yeah, where'd you meet Paul Giamatti at? On the set of Billions. Wow. Is that true? Yeah. I can't say anymore.

Oh. Non-disclose. I wish you wouldn't have started now. It's a real cliffhanger. There's a lot of rubbing going on. There's another movie that Paul Giamatti's in. No, I'm kidding. It's not. Alright, so Nico's Crowley. Tell us more interesting stuff about you, fun facts about

you. Win a spelling bee or anything like that? Yeah. It looks like... I'm moving to LA in a couple months. Yeah. I'm going to try to hit up Kill Tony as much as I can. Monday nights at the comedy store, right? Yeah. I love that.

That's interesting. Paul put a finger in you. Paul? Did Paul GM. But Brian is taking the opportunity to ask if Paul GM had a finger in him. I mean, off the record, it's not. Totally off the record. Did that happen? Yeah, this is off the air. Did Paul put a finger in you?

Has anyone ever told you that you look like the three Hangover cast members that aren't Zach Galifianakis smushed together? That's what I think. Would that be Bradley Cooper? I'll take it. I'll start with that one. I guess so. That would be one of the three. Ed Helms, honey.

Yeah, you have to name the other two as well. Not Galifianakis? You have a wife? Yes. How long have you been married for? Got married in August. Wow. Kids? Leo. Kid on the way? You knock her up yet? You start blasting loads

inside of her? Gonna give it a shot. Fucking nerd pie? Gonna give it a shot and see how it goes, yeah. Have you been trying lately? No, but I was thinking we should try recently just because I was horny. Right. Heck yeah. And that's how you were born, sweetie.

So you don't finish inside of her? Where do you normally shoot your load when you pull up? No, right inside. Oh, inside every time. Yeah, we just got to figure out when you're going to stop the defense. Right, exactly. But you're just shooting loads like a madman.

Shooting your shot. I feel like you're really good at making paper balls into trash cans. Am I right about that? Okie dokie. Any other fun hobbies that you partake in? Sailing. Oh, I can picture that.

Sailor, huh? How long have you been sailing for? My whole life. Sailed from Newport, Rhode Island to Bermuda. Whoa. Look at you. You come from money then, don't you? Wow.

Look at you. That's incredible. I sail. So your father's a sailor as well? Yeah. It took like his boat. It took like four days probably. I feel like it's a yacht, not really a boat.

It drives itself. There was an autopilot. You blow him down. David Lucas, what do you think about this guy? What do you see when you look at a guy like this? He looks like everything he said. Sales. His girlfriend looks...

He looks like his girlfriend don't have to work, wife, whatever she is. William Montgomery is a comedy veteran. You have any advice? Richard, basically, I'm a comic coach. What I tell my pupils, if you ever get in front of a microphone, mention maybe your uncle, maybe your cousin Taylor. Mention maybe Lyme's disease. Mention Legionnaire's disease., mentioned diverticulitis,

make up a fake story about a guy named Richard Alcatraz, make up fake movies that he directed. Hey, William, you said the same thing last episode. Like, you're, like, repeating yourself on the episode about what to say. That's why it's funny, though, Brian. No, it's not funny. No, yeah, it is. How many of you guys think it's funny, though, Brian. No, it's not funny. No, yeah, it is. How many of you guys think it's funny? We all.

There you go. Hey, who here has internet? There you go. Yes, everybody has internet. Oh, wow. Get internet. It's great. There you go.

Brian. Redman, that was a pretty good one. You're all helping him. Oh, my God. Wow. Slam the mic as hard as you can That's always great for everybody There you go I have to fix it later

Oh my god Anyway Honey we know it's not being fixed later Anything else we need to know about you Nikos Before we move on No I saw you guys in Boston Happy to be here in San Francisco

And see you in LA Hell yeah man Well good to see you in LA. Hell yeah, man. Well, good to see you, dude. Thanks for signing up. Nico's Crowley. Great set, dude. Fucking great set. Hell yeah. Absolutely. There you go. Back from

step back from the my land. You guys want to do something fun again? Alright. We have a golden ticket winner You guys want to do something fun again? All right. We have a golden ticket winner that is from another part of this country. He's never even performed in San Francisco. I don't think so. Before, he made the drive to L.A.

and then came up with everybody else today on a special trip. Put your hands together for him. Golden ticket winner from Phoenix, Arizona ladies and gentlemen. It's Tristan Bowling. Cops Comedy Club! How we doing, huh? Yeah! Oh man, let's keep it going for me. I got out of the psych ward

recently. Goddamn right, bro. Turns out suicide is a pass-fail class, you know? You either do that shit or you don't, player. Like, detention sucks a dick, dude. It sucks, man. I was in there for five minutes. My roommate, Rakeesh, turns out he was hearing voices in his head.

And all the voices wanted to fuck me, which, technically, I'm outvoted, you know? Like, he's doing it for the good of the group. Like, he's got homies in the dome. Like, that's democracy right there. Dude, I don't think anyone should kill themselves if you're gonna no good but hear me out. Right before you do it,

right before you mealy-wop into the next plane of existence, right before you go, just scream, this is for everyone's sins. Just in case it works. You know what I mean? Thank you. My name's Tristan Bowling.

Yes, Tristan Bowling. Doing it again. And again and again and again. This is a guy that won his golden ticket at the age of 20, turned 21 the next day, cashed in at the Comedy Store the day after that, and has come back multiple times since. This week I last minute invited him here,

and he fucking made it. Goddamn right. On Mama's dime. Give it up for her. Absolutely. 100%. Fuck her credit score. You know what I mean? Heck yeah. Absolutely. The elephant of max

volume there. That is the loudest thing I've ever heard. Yeah, it's incredible. Don't tempt him. When you do things like that, he wants to do it again. Tristan, you have always killed on this show. You're just filled with fun stuff. One of the

fun things that we found out about you right before you won the golden ticket the first time I ever saw you in Phoenix, Arizona, is that you have an amazing ability for being able to rap. You guys like rap music at all?

This pasty white son of a bitch? And I do believe that you are willing to freestyle something for these people here at Kill Tony Mania right now. I don't gotta freestyle, but I wrote something on the car ride to San Francisco. Oh, he actually wrote something special for you guys. Is it okay if he tries it out in front of you live?

You got the beat? You got the beat? Yeah, he's got it. I think he's ready to go. Oh, there it is. I want something from you guys. Can you get something for me? Can we get a kill Tony?

Kill Tony. Kill Tony. Kill Tony. Kill Tony. Kill Tony. Let's get it. Kill, uh, Tony, ay, kill Tony mania, wonder where we be. Gonna fuck up this city like the homeless on the street. Red band on the board holding down the fort.

Tony with the torch burning down the whores. Comics on their knees, uh, heat, uh, no other backing a beat, uh, Christian with the chrome and the heat. Jeremiah the leader of the sax in the back of the bank of the beach. Auburn. Christian in the street. No other band can compete. Best band in the street.

What up, Gil Tony? What up, Gil Tony? What up, Gil Tony? What up, Gil? Fuck yeah, man. Tristan Bowling. I love your fucking style, man. David, you ever seen anything like Tristan before?

Look at this guy. He looks like he's getting ready to paint a library or something. Some Super Mario Brothers shit right there. I feel like I'm about to paint a Supreme store. You know what I mean? Your shoes look like they're having an allergic reaction. Them bitches big as fuck. Yeah, I'm just, I'm like size 12 and a half.

I just got dumb duck feet. God damn. Your feet might be wider than mine, bro. Yeah, dog. My feet are webbed too. It's crazy. Two toes. Tristan, I feel like you're the only dude that Ellen would let eat her pussy.

That's a credit. That's a credit. How many people have done stand-up on their show and how many times has someone been in that box? Do you really have webbed feet? Yeah, I have two webbed toes on both feet. Is that true? Yeah. I've never seen it.

You want to see it? Would you mind? Why would we? Have you ever seen webbed feet before? Oh, wow. Webbed feet. Webbed feet. Webbed feet.

Webbed feet. Do you see it? Where's the web? It's right there. Whoa, what the fuck, man? Yeah. You see it? It's fucking weird, isn't it?

Jeremiah, put it in your mouth. Put it in your mouth, Jeremiah. Jeremiah. Jeremiah. He's going to do it. Jeremiah. No, he's not going to do it! Jeremiah! I'm kidding, I was kidding, guys. I was joking. Tristan, get up.

We can make so many people come on the internet. How many of you guys... How about one more time for Tristan, everybody? How about one more time for David Lucas? Tristan's going to step in and join panel for the first time ever in his career, guys. Golden Ticket winner Tristan is in.

David Lucas gets to go sip on Hennessy. William, come on. Sit here. Sure. Sit right there. Fuck yeah. The great William Montgomery scooting down. I am still out of breath from my 50 push-ups I did. Hell yeah.

I don't know who breathed more. How about one more time? Good and love for David Lucas, everybody. There he goes. So much fun. We're having fun here. Back to the bucket we go. Let's meet a new person here.

Let's see what kind of crazy shit can go on. Put your hands together for Ernest Evangelista, ladies and gentlemen. Here it goes. Where's Ernest Evangelista? Is there movement? Anybody see movement? Oh, no. There's no Ernest Evangelista. Is there movement? Anybody see movement? Oh no, there's no Ernest Evangelista?

Oh. I don't think so. We're going to keep moving. I don't think so. Nope. We're going to keep moving along. Put your hands together for Ashton Tate. Wow. Two episodes in a row for Ashton Tate.

This guy had the set of the night on the last show. Let's see what happens here. Another brand new minute from Ashton Tate. More time for Ashton Tate, everybody. Thank you. I think it's weird how a lot of girls say they enjoy long walks on the beach yet they never ask out those guys with metal detectors. Pretty weird.

My mom drank when she was pregnant with me, so when I was born, my face had a Sharpie dick on it. When I was a kid, I liked playing Grand Theft Auto, tried playing it recently as an adult, and I was like, these cops are kind of just doing their job. You know? It's a pretty violent game. Have you guys ever noticed that whenever something violent in the news happens,

like a shooting, they'll blame it on the way we make guns seem cool in male action movies? I think that's why we need more female action movies. So instead of a guy walking up and being like, go ahead, make my day. It's more like, hold up, let me tell you about my day. That'd be good. Alright, thank you very much. Ashton Tate. Wow. So your Twitter

is really Michael Moore Food? Just Michael M-O-R-E Food? Yeah, Michael Moore Food. I want to make sure we get that out there loud and clear because you've had two great appearances back to back in a row. I think you're the only person in the history to get pulled out of the bucket every episode of a Kill Tony Mania night. That's exciting.

Yep. Look at you. How many of you were at the first show and saw Ashton? That's a good amount. Cool. So here you are. You did it again. I know I talked about it.

I used to live here. And I don't know if people here know this, but if you live here long enough, you actually end up learning Mandarin. Yeah? It's true. I went to China recently and I was somehow able to go up to anyone and ask if they were done with their cans. That's so good.

That's a real San Fran joke, huh? That's very impressive. Wow, Ashton, is there anything else we didn't find out about you from that last interview about an hour and a half ago? My girlfriend broke her phone recently. Yeah. And so I, like, put her chip into my phone. Uh-huh.

And then I didn't delete all the contacts. And one of the contacts was just the name, the girl who wouldn't do anything. And she found it. So that was interesting. But we can move on. I love it, man. You absolutely killed again. You're Michael Moore Food with the Moore spelled M-O-R-E, all one word.

I want to make sure the listeners are able to find you. That's just on Twitter. You want anything else? Anything else you want to plug? And Instagram at MichaelMoreFood? No, just Ashton Tater. Ashton Tater, all one word. There you go. He killed twice tonight.

That's two episodes in a row of Ashton Tate. Amazing stuff. Killing it. In and out. It's like Theo Bonner's no answer. Fuck yeah. I thought he looked like all the members of Workaholics had a baby. He does.

He does. I guess I should have checked in with you guys on that. I love that. You said Theo Vaughn with no attitude? No. I don't really. God. Wow.

Theo needs a vape. What an interesting move to come all the way to San Francisco to start burning bridges. It's so fitting. It's a lot of bridges. Okie dokie. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Dave Brissoud. Brissard.

Brissoud, it says. It says Brissoud. Dave Brissard. Briss, it says. It says Brassude. Dave Brassard Brassude. Here he comes. Long, long, long, long, lonely winter. Come on, guys. One more time. Good and loud for Dave Brassude.

Here we go. Yeah, Brassude. Nailed it. I actually pronounced my name right. That's pretty cool. Thank you very much. I know you guys are looking at me. I don't look cool.

I get that. I'm an old guy. I used to be cool when I was young, though. And that slips out around my kids sometimes. First time it slipped out, I was helping my youngest daughter with her math homework. The older one's helping me cook. The younger one's converting fractions. She goes, Dad, I don't get this.

I said, what's the question? question she goes what's an eighth convert to without even thinking about it I'm like three and a half grams she goes what I'm like I don't know 50 bucks 300 if it's white I'm like, I don't know, 50 bucks? 300 if it's white. That's when I hear this, what are you talking about?

And I look up and I see the look on her face. I'm like, uh-oh, I messed up. So I start backpedaling. I got to get out of this because I don't want to get in trouble from their mother, right? So I'm like, honey, isn't this a word problem? She goes, no, it's sixth grade math. I'm like, well, there's the problem. I'm teaching you math you're not going to use until high school and college.

Wow. I'm just mesmerized. Fucking killing it. This is one of those magical moments where something that I did not expect to happen. I'm in complete dominance up here. Have you been doing stand-up comedy a long time? About nine years now.

Nine years. I mean, even for nine years, that's still very impressive, man. I mean, mind-boggling. You really had the room eating out of the palm of your hand. You have this such hearty, regular, normal, everyday guy, the guy you'd run into coming into a Home Depot or something

like that, and then you just come in guns a-blazin' with fuckin' real jokes. You really know what you're doin'. Nine years, huh? Yeah, the last three real serious. Yeah. Yeah. You work in construction? No. No. I actually used to be a paramedic on a rescue team.

Whoa. I went to school at UCSF right here. Kill Tony saves lives. That's it. UCSF. You have a C grade. That's the University of what? San Francisco.

What's the C? California. California. University of California, San Francisco. Oh, it's just UC. What's the C? California. Oh, okay. University of California, San Francisco. I love it. You guys are laughing like I'm supposed to know that. Oh, you don't know UCS? Like UCLA? Yeah, but that's fucking UCLA,

you idiots. That's a whole different thing. UCLA is an actual college. Nationally respected. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And to be honest with you, people where we're from don't respect any of these colleges. Because we

are from the Ohio State University. You're goddamn right, you fucking bozos. See if I buy tickets to your show, you morons. Anyway, uh... Go ahead, Buckeye. Yeah, so what's your story, man?

You single, married? Yeah, what's going on with you? Oh, yeah, fucking you got Dorothy Zindu over there. You do seem like the type Dorothy would take home, but you'd end up fucking Blanche, right? Well, let's just say you've got three and a half grams right here. Oh! Yay!

Wow. Wow. God damn it. And with that stroke, Jesse Johnson does more for females in comedy than any female comedian ever with one single joke. Unbelievable. Three and a half grams

after that fucking opening joke. That plays along. I'm voting for her. That makes complete sense. My goodness. So what's your sort of the, if we were gonna do a fast track, a fucking 15-second super breakdown of your life?

I feel like you've seen a lot. You've been through a lot. What are some of the highlights? A couple years ago, I got in a really bad accident. I was left partially deaf and had a shoulder replacement, and my daughter and I, as part of the recovery, swam from Alcatraz to shore. Wow!

Swam from Alcatraz to shore. Wow! Wait, what? The fuck? You swam from Alcatraz to... Mile and a half from Alcatraz to Aquatic Park. You and your daughter both did? Yeah, my daughter and I both did. You guys swam together?

Yes. Because there was an accident. No. No. No, I was in the accident. Part of the recovery, the doctor said swimming would be good for the recovery. My daughter was a high school swimmer. Oh, okay.

I see. Oh, my God. I thought something happened to you on the island of Alcatraz and you had to swim to fucking shore. My brain almost poured out of the side of my skull. Yeah, me and Nicolas Cage took off and we left. That is so fucking cool, man. So how long did it take you to recover before you did the swim? 14 months after the shoulder and eight months after the hip replacement.

Yes, absolutely. That makes complete sense. Fuck yeah. What do you do for fun now? Stand-up comedy. Yeah. Other than stand-up, right? You seem like the kind of guy that goes bowling with your own bowling ball.

No, I like to barbecue, man. Hey, I like that. That means he's voting for Trump, people. No, fuck no. I'm just kidding. I like Johnson, but Johnson didn't know his elbow from Aleppo, so that kind of fucked everything up. Oh, shit.

This guy knows his politics over here. What do you guys have for Dave Brassude? I was going to say... What? What's going on out there? I think they thought you were asking them. Yeah, I guess so. Do you do any sort of...

Let me get back into my voice. You seem pretty fit for an old guy. Do you do any sort of exercise? Yeah, he swims from Alcatraz to the fucking... Yeah, but that was one time. Have you continued it since then? You swim a lot, right? You have to train for something like that.

I did that. I'm done with that. I work out in the gym now. Just trying to not get really old too fast. I love it. I'm done with that. I work out in the gym now just trying to not get really old too fast. I love it. I love it. Absolutely. Tristan, what do you think of this guy? This looks like he could be your father or stepfather.

Dude, I'm just mad we're wearing the same fucking shoes right now in different colorways. He's got the Air Monarchs on. Do you know how many times I've seen old white men who barbecue wearing the same shoes as me? It's insane. I'm setting a good example for us right now. That's because Nikes have been on sale ever since Kaepernick, so it's okay. Oh, hey. I was born in 98.

I got my GED. I didn't even know the college reference. All right. Well, I mean, even know the college reference. All right. Well, I mean, Dave, you had an unbelievable setup here. Very fucking impressive. I mean, so, so, so, so, so fucking rock solid, man. I mean, you should be really, really proud of yourself. That was fucking awesome, man.

You ever go down to Los Angeles? Yeah, I just came back from doing shows in Las Vegas and Mesquite. How about L.A.? You ever go to L.A.? No, I was in L.A. on the way back. Yeah, what did you do when you were in L.A.? I did a show with Sebastian Satina. Where'd you do that at? I don't know.

You don't even know the name of the place? Oh, the other Sebastian. Next time you come down to L.A., if you're ever there on a Monday, we'll give you a minute at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles. How about that? Do a different minute. Come on down. How about one more time as loud as it gets for Dave Brassude, huh?

This guy's fucking doing it, man. That's the real deal right there. And speaking of cold-blooded assassins... So speaking of cold-blooded assassins that we just discovered, two nights ago in Sacramento, we found a young lady that has been doing this for, I think, nine years, and she did so fucking great on the first night

she got pulled out of the bucket that I invited her back the second night, and she did so fucking good last night in Sacramento that we invited her here tonight. So if it's okay with you guys, we're about to see the third ever set, three episodes of Kill Tony. Well, not the last one, but I guess.

Three nights in a row, ladies and gentlemen, Bridget Bennett! Here she is, everybody! Ha ha ha. I got stuck at a casino up in Oregon due to snow. And my mom had warned me.

She was like, why didn't you check the weather report? And there wasn't any rooms left in the hotel. So I stuck at the casino for like 24 hours before I could pass. Like, they had shut down the road in both directions. Anyway, I went into the bar to kill some time and I was sitting with a bunch of truckers because if you find yourself

at a casino in the middle of the night, it's all men. And this lady came up to me and she's like, I'm going to kick your ass. And she was one of those California blondes. And she's like, I'm going to beat the shit out of you.

And she reaches her hand up like she's going to punch me. And I'm like, why are you going to punch me? And she's like, because you're drinking when you're pregnant. And I'm like, no, I'm just fat. And then this guy gets up, and she's about to hit me again, and he's like, nobody hits my lady except for me. All right, that's it. Fuck yes.

That sounds like a true story right there. Bridget Bennett. Yeah, it's a true story, Tony. I mean, it is true. When I first, the first time I saw you two nights ago, the very first thing I said after you were done with your set was, holy shit, that was unbelievable. One more time for her.

And, wow, I can't believe how funny you are. You're pregnant, and you're like, no, I'm not. But I was positive that you were. And, I mean, it was uncomfortable for everybody else. Honestly, I didn't feel bad for it at all. It's super uncomfortable for me. Is it really? Wow. Okay, now I'm ridiculously

uncomfortable. I drew a picture of how uncomfortable I was. Brian's going to save this awkward moment for us. For sure. I drew a picture. I drew a picture. Just keep repeating it. It gets better every time. So Bridget, but that is something. Have you dealt with something like that your whole life?

Is it hard for you to talk about? I don't know. I don't know what's going on. No, I used to be really skinny. I just got fat like a year ago. Like a year ago? Yeah. Really?

What happened? What do you think? What ended up? Getting older, I guess. I don't know. I guess so. My metabolism just crashes, huh? Yeah.

Wait till you hit 60. Yeah. There's a snake in this girl's boot. I think she's one month coming here. There you go. Have some more Jack and Diet there, Brian. Just fucking anything but talking into the microphone. Yeah, I mean, what did you just say?

No, don't. Don't think about it. Okie dokie. Fuck yeah. Bridget Bennett. Bridget, is there anything crazy about your life that we haven't found out about you yet in these last two nights of interviews?

I like to go to garage sales. That's the thing I like to do. I like to buy other people's stuff and resell it. I don't think I've ever seen anyone that looks like you at a garage sale. I was gonna ask. She looks like if a garage sale was a person. That's true.

She does. Something like that. She sort of looks like weird Allison Yankovic or something like that. She can handle it. She sort of looks like weird Allison Yankovic or something like that. She can handle it. She's a fucking professional comedian. Doesn't she look like William and I's mom? She looks like...

That's a weird reference. What do you mean? Like, combine. Did you say a Quim and I's mom? No, I said William and I's. Oh, okay, yeah. Who's a Quim and I? I don't know.

Shout out to OutKast. It's an OutKast record. You fucking young son of a bitch. Now, William, you have recently been falling in love with girls for the first time in your life. This is something that's come up. And is there any truth to the rumor that there is some chemistry going on between you and Bridget Bennett? Yeah, I mean, tonight I feel like at the Airbnb we will end up poisoning Red Band. He's really messed this show up tonight.

Well, I don't know if I want to be involved in a political plot. That was good. In San Francisco. Can you say that again? I don't want to be involved in a political plot. I feel really good. Yeah. Bridget, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand up comedy

I do improv I shoot guns I do garage sale Wait what I drive people around that are intoxicated Really We're going to need you later We're going to need you later tonight

For a call for Brian Redband Alright What happened I'm sorry tonight for a call for Brian Redband. Alright. What happened? I'm sorry. Oh my god, Brian is out of it. I love this. This is great. I didn't hear what Jeremiah said. I love it.

So, how long have you been Jesse Johnson from the future? Like a couple of years. That's accurate. Alright, sorry. Swing for the bushes If anything she looks like Dave Grohl clean shaven That's a good point That's a good point If you guys at any point

Want to keep doing jokes While I try to keep The entire train on the tracks I'd appreciate that You can just feel free to keep No I'm just kidding. Bridget, you are an amazing spirit and soul. I absolutely love your style.

Tonight you did a specific story-like joke that had 58 seconds of build-up and then two seconds of smash at the end. But the other sets that you had were more, you know what I mean, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. I wanted to try something new. No, it's cool. That's fun. It's fun to get a variation. And I hope that, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. I wanted to try something new. No, it's cool. That's fun.

It's fun to get a variation. And I hope that we get to see you again soon on the show. How about one more time for Bridget Bennett, everybody? Thank you very much. Congratulations. All right. You guys having fun out there, huh? Feels like it.

It feels real good in here. Your next comedian will be Matt Watt. M-A-T-T-W-A-T-T. Matt Watt. People seem to be very excited. There's people jumping in the back. Matt Watt is walking to the stage. Here he comes.

Matt Watt, everybody. Anything can happen. It's Kill Tony Mania. He's got a backpack. Matt Watt. All right, how's it going, Cubs? I think it's weird when people know too many dog breeds. It's like, I don't even know all the races yet.

I just found out what an aborigines is. Aboriginal. Whatever. And don't get me started on these Inuits. It's Eskimos. Alright, moving it along. Anybody smoke weed? You guys weed smokers?

You know what's the best thing about being known as like the weed guy? That nobody can tell you've been crying all day. Yeah, I didn't just listen to Usher on the way over here and bawl my eyes out. I wish that was a joke.

I was at a friend's house the other day. Sure, finish it. And he had an ecstasy tablet on the table just chilling there. And I was like, hey, can I have that? And he was like, sure, but it. And he had an ecstasy tablet on the table just chilling there. And I was like, hey, can I have that? And he was like, sure, but it's strong. And I was like, yeah, you said about the last ones. I took like four of those. He was like, what?

He was like, man, something's wrong with you. And I was like, yeah. Oh, my God. I mean, dude, what the fuck? What are you thinking? Then what happens? I said, yeah, I'm sad. Whoa.

My God. You had the closer right within reach. You had 56 seconds of thunder. You threw a little 20 second janker in there. Were any of you guys as terrified as me that he was going to pull a gun out of that backpack? I don't know if you know this, Sophia, but he's still on the stage. He still could easily pull the gun out of the backpack. I don't know if you know this, Sophia, but he's still on the stage.

He still could easily pull the gun out of the backpack. Oh, there it is. You have so much shit on you. You have a backpack. Your front pocket of this jacket is absolutely filled with shit. What's going on here, dude?

Is this it? Did you backpack here from fucking obscurity? Well, the last time I took my backpack off here, I got fired. Fired from? From here. You worked here? Yes. And you took off your backpack and got fired how?

Somebody stole weed out of my backpack and I kind of flipped out and lost my shit. Oh. So you were here. You took your backpack off. Someone stole your weed. You freaked out. Like, who the fuck stole my fucking weed? And the boss was like, dude, you're fired. That was after I punched a hole in the wall downstairs.

Oh, wow. How do you punch a hole in a wall in a hole in a wall? Anyway. I thought this was Cobbs, not the punchline. It's not a punchline. How bad are your parents? Do you have bad parents? Yeah, my dad was a drug addict for the first half of my childhood.

He was on cops. Oh, really? Oh, wow. You got a credit. Get him on Life PD, let's talk. Fuck yeah. Did he leave you that backpack? No, I just bought this.

Is your father still in prison? No, he's actually doing good now. That's good. How about you? Are you doing good now? I just bought this. Is your father still in prison? No, he's actually doing good now. That's good. How about you? Are you doing good now? I'm all right. What do you do for work now that you got fired from here? I'm a manager at a cannabis delivery service.

Oh, that's awesome. Congratulations. That's fun. Are you always late with your deliveries? Are you pretty on time? I'm the earliest person there. Wow. I just got a text that says, your delivery is here now. Oh, there you go.

Explains the backpack. Got you. Wow. What's your favorite thing to do after you smoke pot? Eat ice cream. Wow, look at that. You have a lot in common with quite a bit of the people on stage right now. What's your favorite kind of ice cream?

Ben and Jerry's banana split. There you go. If you pull a gun out of that backpack, I'm a banana split. I love it, dude. What's your love life like? Weird. Yeah? Tell us more about it.

What do you mean by weird? Ah, shit. Shouldn't have said anything. Come on, dude. Look at this crowd. They don't want you pussyfooting around. Give us the good shit, dude. What do you mean by weird?

I'm kind of like in between girlfriends right now. Yeah? So what do you mean? What's so weird about that? Sounds like you need a real woman in your life. Because there's still kind of both of them.

Oh, okay. Do they know about each other? No. No? Wow. Is one of them here tonight? Yep. Oh, boy.

Wow. Ooh, wow. Is this true? Is that what's happening? Are both of them here tonight? No. Oh, I was going to make them fight. So let me ask you this.

Why would you say that if, I mean, I put you under the pressure, huh? I said all these people don't want you pussyfooting, and you heard me say the old P word. You're like, pussyfooting. I guess I have to say it. So she's out there right now, and she just found out that you're with someone else as well. I don't think she's here anymore.

I think she left. I think she left. Does she do comedy too, the girl you're with? Oh, wow. That's interesting. My goodness. She's actually chopped up in that backpack. I love it. I love it.

I love it. I love it. My goodness. Matt Watt. How long have you been with this girl that you're with here tonight? Off and on like a year or so. Off and on like a year. My goodness.

Consider it off. Yeah. Go ahead. I said consider it off. Off and on like a year. My goodness. Consider it off. Yeah. Go ahead. I said consider it off. Yeah. I don't know. On and off. Definitely going to be more off.

You're right. So, wow. You think that maybe she'd be open to like a threesome or something? No. Okay. How about the other girl? When did you meet the other girl? No, no.

Do you want to stop talking about this? Okie dokie. Oh, my God. Should we find out if the other girl wants to come on stage and slap you in the face right now? Do you think that's fair? You guys think that's fair? Would you do that? Would you take off your glasses and take a slap?

If she would come up here, but I don't think she will. If she wants to come up and slap him, feel free right now. Come on. How many of you want to see that? Come on. Let's go. Here she comes. I see her.

Yeah. Oh, she's charging down the front. This is Kill Tony Mania. She's taking her hair out of a bun. Take off those glasses, bro. You fucking get them good, too. Hell yeah. How about a hand for that bad bitch right there?

That's awesome. That's a cool chick right there. Baddest bitch in the room. I love that. You're damn motherfucking right she is. All right, who else wants to come up and slap this guy? Hey.

Yeah. Easy. Oh, shit. All right. Oh! Oh! Oh, wow. Old dildo to the face.

Well, there you go. I think you got what you deserved. And, you know, with confession comes a lot of freedom. Maybe you guys will be even happier and closer after this. Oh, my God. Put your hands together for Matt Watt, everybody. There he goes. Fuck yeah.

Okay. Okay, this is chaos in here tonight. You guys would agree. So, again, I'm going to ask one more time. How many of you were here at last year's Kill Tony Mania? Well, if you were, you might remember that there was a guy that absolutely stole

the show that night. There was a guy that won an immediate golden ticket. He was the first man and the only man to ever win a golden ticket here in San Francisco. At Mania, It happened last year. Ladies and

gentlemen, he's here for you now from Northern California, your very own John Callahan, everybody. Special treat for you. Come on, everybody. get good and loud for John Callahan. He's back. Well, being part of the epileptic community, I'm not liking the way that epileptics having seizures are portrayed in movies and stuff. Recently, I was sitting at my friend's house watching House, and it seems pretty simple.

People have seizures. They just kind of fall down and start shaking. people have seizures, they just kind of fall down and start shaking. And my friend looked at me and he goes, you know, why does your seizure have to be so retarded, you know? Like, he's all, why can't it be simple like these people? Like, you just fall over and start shaking. He's just like, he's all, you know, what are you, he's trying to make a statement.

If you don't spin twice, it doesn't count. Like, because, I mean, he was like, he's all, you got to do this whole thing where you don't spin twice it doesn't count like because I mean he was like he's all you gotta do this whole thing where you have to spin like you know you're going retarded and then you piss yourself and then I got to clean that up and I was just like I mean you're the one that chose to try and catch me and I peed on you by accident I didn't mean to so and then like he refers like he always wants me to help him lift stuff And he's like you're not that strong The only reason you're

You got that retard strength because of your seizures So that's where I get it from I guess I don't know that's what most people think Whatever There you go John Callahan everybody Fuck yeah John am I crazy It looks like you have cleaned up your act in the past year.

Last year you were like this grizzly mountain man, missing teeth, all disheveled. I still have the missing teeth. You do? Oh, you just stuck them out. You just stuck them out. Oh, my God. I took out the rest of the top, and then I was like was like, I'm just going to get new ones. That was the decision.

I can take out my teeth too. Being in up north, it's a bunch of crackheads. How far up north are you? These people probably recognize where you're from. In Red Bluff. Red Bluff, wow. Look at that.

I grew up in Corning like I said It was just a truck stop basically You just pass through Wow so you don't know what UCSF is either No I didn't know San Francisco had colleges Doesn't really make sense to me I don't really get that

The whole UCSF University of California San Francisco University of California, San Francisco. University of California, Los Angeles. I understand what it stands for. The only college I've heard of here is the Holy Names. It's because my sister played basketball for them. The Holy Names. Full ride.

I think it's a Catholic private college. I don't know. It's one of my five brothers and sisters that I don't talk to. Oh. Have you thought of getting a haircut because you still have toothless hair? Yeah. I tried to grow it out for aftershock. No, no, no.

Get rid of it. Yeah. No, I need to probably. Heck yeah. You get it cut big time. You can end up playing William Montgomery someday in a biopic. I was about to say, you guys are wearing the exact same thing.

White shirt, white shirt, khakis. How many push-ups can you do? You guys want to have a push-up battle? Oh, shit. Oh, man. Here we go. I've already lost this competition. Unless we're doing it with, like... All right.

How many of you want to push up battle? I don't know what's happening here, but there's probably going to be a heart attack. Luckily, we have a male nurse and a paramedic here, so I'm not really worried about it. Let's all count together. Let's count together. Here we go.

One. Go down. Two. Three. Four. One. Go down. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven.

Eight. Nine. William's struggling. William stopped. Eleven. This is very good. John Callahan is pulling ahead. You're getting your ass kicked, William.

William. That was a mistake It's all good Heck yeah This is incredible Nothing better than watching fat people work out It's one of my new favorite hobbies I love it

I don't want to ever work out After watching that Why would you work out after watching that? I guess so No motivation If you saw that You like, you know what? I think I should work out. You see that?

Like, no, I'm good. I'll just be fine. Why would I embarrass myself? Exactly. No, I know. Absolutely. Chroma Chris. No, I was just going to say, it looks like the only weight that William's losing is all from his head.

Wow. It's his hair. All right. Never mind. Okie dokie. Here we go. We're having a smooth descent here on this episode of Kill Tony. It's going to be about another I do

recommend you do keep your seatbelts on. Prepare the cabin for landing. So tell us anything crazy happen in your life this past year since we met you I quit Walmart yeah so I went from being

from a white trash family to working at a dump so what do you mean working at a dump I sort trash all day oh you actually work at a dump? I sort trash all day. Oh, you actually work at a dump? Yes. Trash sorting trash. Incredible.

Lateral move. Work with what you know. I went from living at a trash dump to working at a trash dump. Right. Is the trash dump that you work at also white trash? Yes. Okay. How long have you been all the Sons of Anarchy?

A little while now. Except for you ride a moped. What's it like working at a, you ever find anything crazy at a trash dump? You ever find like a bag of money or anything? We found money recently. One of the older ladies I work with, she found a sex doll.

That's kind of my... Girlfriend? I guess that's the closest thing I got to a girlfriend right now at home. I called it. You found a sex doll at the dump? Yeah, it was brand new. It was still in the package and stuff. I just took it home.

Shut the fuck up. I have it blown up and sitting, and I dressed it now when people walk in. It has a thing so people can walk in too. Why do you need to dress it? Yeah, what do you do? Then you undress it when you get home? I'm like, oh, look at you, you lazy bitch. Sitting around doing nothing again.

Well, when my niece comes over, I don't want her to be looking at it and stuff. Don't look at Auntie Rubber. That's good practice for you, though, for when you hook up with an actual dead woman. He works at a dump. He'll find one eventually. Do you ever put out cigarettes on the sex doll just for fun and practice?

Good question. Do you ever put cigarettes on the doll? Not yet. Okay. Wow. John, anything else we need to know about you before we let you go? Another fun performance for Stever San Fran Golden Ticket winner? This just, I haven't done stand-up since last year. Really? we let you go? Another fun performance? First ever San Fran Golden Ticket winner? This is just...

I haven't done stand-up since last year. Really? Wow, why is that? I live up north and there's nothing really to go to, I guess. Chico, but I don't... I'm always busy working instead. Wow, well, I mean, dude,

you gotta fucking keep it going. You have the... You were doing it... Last year wasn't your first time doing stand-up you got to fucking keep it going. You were doing it. Last year wasn't your first time doing stand-up, right? Yeah, it was. It was? Yeah. Wow, Jesus. I just remember you smashing and then smashing through the interview.

And now, look, this is what taking a year off does. Right? Yeah. It's a very real thing. All right. Well, John Callahan, though, very fun man. You represent well. Congratulations on getting

a promotion from Walmart to a trash dump. Thank you. One of the oddest promotions I've ever heard of, but in Red Bluff, that shit happens. What do you guys think?

One more time to the bucket, huh? Yeah! It's getting late. Let's do this. Here it is, your final comedian of the night. And he goes by the name of Andrew DeLeon. Andrew DeLeon. Here weon. Here we

go. Here he comes. He's got a steady jog. He's coming right this way. Here he is. Andrew DeLeon, everybody. Absolutely. Sure. There you go. Get on over there. What the fuck are you doing? Andrew DeLeon. Yeah, fuck yeah. This is my first time headlining a show.

Give it up for me. Fuck yeah. My grandmother just died. True story, dude. My grandmother just died. My family sent me the obituary. Super sweet. Summed up her life.

Very nice. And I said, Grams would love it if I put my Twitter handle in her obituary. You know, survived by her grandson, Big Dick DeLeon. It's true.

I really said that, but it's a joke. I don't have a Twitter handle. I only have a Facebook and Instagram, but I do have a huge dick that's very true very very true

I love you Frank not like that I know you San Franciscans are like that that's not what I meant you know how people do those DNA tests right I had a friend that got their results back and said I can say the

N-word now because my results said that I'm 4% African-American. I said, oh, that's nice. That's really funny. I got my results back and it said that I'm 9.5 inches African-American. Okie dokie. Andrew DeLeon, everybody.

Such an awkward ending. No need to put the mic in that mic stand. I'm going to talk to you for a second here, Andrew. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up? More recently since January. Since January. Heck yeah.

You work here at Cobb's? I work here at Cobb's. Make sure you tip your bar and wait staff. That's right. Yes, I need to make rent, so please tip your bar and wait staff. Yes, very good. Absolutely. If your dick was really that big, you wouldn't have to work here.

It's true. Okay, let's check in with Dorothy. I was just going to say I've had queefs funnier than that's it. Who's talking? I actually believe that. I really do. Yes, there's some of that good queefing music from the hit movie The Godfather. It makes complete sense there.

Well, we are Italian, Sicilian, you know. So, Andrew, welcome, welcome. Yes, Tony, thank you for having me. How long have you been working here at Cobb's? Since February, actually. Since February. So you started comedy in January. I've been doing comedy, but more seriously since January.

Right, more seriously. Really? Yeah. It's always a safety valve. This is so cool. I apologize. I had never listened to your show. Oh, that's fine.

I could give a fuck less about you. It's okay. You don't have to boo the man if you're not listening to my show. I don't fuck you guys. He's just oblivious. Okay, now they're turning on me. He's probably a big fan of

good stuff. Comedy Central stuff. You know what I mean? Some of that, like, Comedy Central stuff. So what else do you do when you're not working here at a comedy club? What I was doing 12 years ago when I was half your age. I go to school full time. Oh, yeah? What do you study? I study media history and film production, and I'm a philosophy minor.

Wow. There you go. Real fucking party machine. Yes, yes. Is it true that you get all the pussy? It's true. It's true. Let me ask you this.

You bragged about having a big penis. Is that true? Yes. So it is true? It's very true. How many of you guys want to see this guy get an erect penis right now? No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm joking. I'm just kidding. There you go. Okay. It's not happening. There you go. I love it. Fuck yeah.

No, it's okay. It's not going to get an erect penis go i love it fuck yeah no it's okay it's not gonna get an erect penis brian i can't believe you took that seriously i was saying i got a sock we can cover that shit up fuck yeah so let me ask you this andrew if you do have a penis that big why uh why brag about it like is it something that you think like girls like in the room will take you up on like is it really nine inches? Well, I hope so. Has that ever worked before? These are kind of new jokes. Is that true?

Is that really a new joke? It is a new joke. How new is it? When did you write it? The first time I did it was last Tuesday, or like two weeks ago. Did it work then? It didn't get me laid, but it made the crowd laugh. It did?

Yes. Where was that at? It was here at Cobb's Open Mic. What a difference a week makes, huh? Yeah. I like your style, dude. So you've measured this. What did you say, 9 1⁄2 or 9 3⁄4?

9 1⁄2 inches African-American is the joke. Right. But that's true? It's really 9 1⁄2? That's what you're saying? Yes. I have to wear very tight underwear with tight pants. So let me ask you this.

When you measure that, do you go straight from the base to the very tip? I try and get as much out of it as I can. I'm pushing in, dude. He's going from asshole to belly button. I'm pushing the ruler inside. This is really interesting stuff. This is so fun. Oh, no.

It's fun for me. No, I believe in it. A part of me thinks you still like it, because now you're like, oh, I'm being timid about my big dick, and you're hoping somebody will ask you about it later. No, no. If anyone wants to find out after the show...

No, nobody wants to find out after the show, Andrew. It's fine. That's why it's weird. I think Tristan. Tristan would be good for that. Not a lot of people know this, but Tristan has a nine and a half inch butthole.

Welcome to the deep end, playboy. Andrew, any fun facts about your life that we'd be interested to know? You seem like you've lived a full life. How old are you, Andrew? I'm fucking 31. I'm 31 years old.

Yeah, 31. I can c 31. I'm 31 years old. I can cuss. I'm 31 years old. This is bad. What's bad? I'm 31. No one cares. Because you're 31. What did you think they would do? I don't know. Cheers like, I'm 31 too. No, nobody's

going to cheer for 31, Andrew. I'm 22. Any hobbies when you're got cheer for 31, Andrew. I'm 22 and I want to fuck a 31. Any hobbies when you're not working here doing stand-up comedy? I actually really enjoy watching comedy. I used to work. I've seen you headline before at Rooster Tees. This is going to get too sad for me. You from Sunnyvale?

I'm from San Jose. From San Jose, actually. San Jose, California. There's the three sympathy whoops you've been looking for. Yeah, there we go. Follow me on Instagram, Big Dick. Wow. Jesus.

You're the worst type of comedian on the planet. Yeah, I feel good about it. My grandmother would be very proud of this. It would benefit you to start listening to this show to find out what people find listenable and unlistenable. This is fun. You signed up for it, pal. Did your grandma actually die?

She did die. What did she die from? She had cancer. She had a very... She had a nine and a half inch tumor? Yeah. It's been... Yeah, she died in real life and she's very proud of me

she would love to know that I turned her death into a big dick joke how recently did she die like a fucking month ago yeah that's what grandmas do see so this is how I'm trying to get laid make jokes about my huge wiener and then get the sympathy side.

Did she ever get to see you do stand-up comedy? She did, yes. That's when the cancer came in, right? Yes, yes. She's the one that... God rest her soul. Yes. Yes.

This is fun. He killed one person that night. So when she... When I found out Random sound effects ladies and gentlemen It's my elephant trunk penis When I found out At this point let's just see it I mean good god

I'm not going to whip out my dick I actually Or show it to me behind the curtain And I'll report on it from behind stage. How about that? Would you be willing to do that, Andrew? That seems reasonable. Will you show Jeremiah your flaccid penis?

Yes! How many of you think we should end the episode with Jeremiah either confirming or denying this guy's big dick? Hey! Come here. Fuck yeah. Well, here we go. We've never done this before. This is a very momentous occasion.

I'm going to do a little play-by-play. Do you have a flashlight on your phone? I don't know what's happening here. This is frightening. I need a flashlight. Half the band went over there. Perfect. He's about to show them. Okay. Is it really happening? This is frightening. I need a flashlight. Half the band went over there. Perfect. He's about to show them.

Okay. Is it really happening? This is happening. No, he's going to do it. Okay. It looks like his dick's telling a ghost story. Everyone has their flashlights out in the hallway. Jeremiah, what's happening over there?

Can you give a play-by-play? You're out in the darkness. All right. Here we are. He is unbuckling his belt at the moment. Okay. No, David Lucas just asked if he's gay for watching this. No, you're not.

No, you're not, David. I know homophobia runs rampant in the black community. It's okay. Is he gay for watching this? It's so funny. It has to be so true. I'll do it.

You'll do what? I'll show Jeremiah my dick, dude. There's no cameras. It's fine. Jeremiah, did you see it? What's going on over there? He's unbuckling. He's unbuckling.

He's doing great. What the fuck? Does he have a safe around his cock? He's unzipping. He's unzipping right now. Oh, my God. This is frightening. Okay.

He's starting to pull. We just started hearing kung fu noises. There's no time. I'm waiting to hear like an audible like... He's claiming to be a grower now. That's okay.

That's okay. Okay. We thought that would happen. This guy's giving me evil eyes for some reason. He's mad at me. Nobody can see. Nobody can see. Nobody can see.

The guy wearing earrings can't wait to show his dick to Jeremiah. He's just literally like, I was built for this. What did you say? Four dick piercings? Jeremiah, another guy wants to show you his cock. Wait, wait, wait. Come on up here. Go show Jeremiah your dick.

Come show me your dick. I got to see this shit. Come show it to me. This is a brand new segment on up here. Go show Jeremiah your dick. Come show me your dick. Come show it to me. This is a brand new segment on Kill Tony called Show Jeremiah Your Dick. Okay. Let's get over here. All right? Wow. This guy is wasting no time whatsoever. This guy is taking off jewelry.

Are we about to make love right now? What's happening? Okay. Here we are. Wow. Tristan. Okay. I'm looking at his penis. Oh, my God, I see it.

He literally has five piercings on it right now. He's got a very hairy taint, and it's also a pierced taint as well. What? And it's a sizable fat penis, okay? Somebody just said it looks like Mad Max. Fury Road. This is incredible. Give it up for my friend.

Yeah, give it up for this guy. This is the first time we, this is the first ever weenie roast here on Kill Tony. Wait, what? Oh, my God. Wait, what is this guy? Wait. Is this a midget?

Come on, give it up here, buddy. Show me your dick. This guy wants to show you. Oh, my God. Let's go. Let's go, honey. Show me your penis. All right.

Let's see your penis. There is a live midget that just crawled on stage. He cannot wait to show Jeremiah his dick. They're off in a doorway. show Jeremiah his dick. All right. They're off in a doorway. This show is never... All right, here we go. San Francisco to give us our gayest episode ever,

ladies and gentlemen. We're not filming. There is a midget showing Jeremiah his dick. Jeremiah, what's going on over there? All right, all right. The first guy is starting to show me his penis. He's poking it through his boxers. Andrew DeLeon.

Andrew's finally like, oh, there's a midget? I'll show my dick. I just want to say, the little person has a bigger penis than the nine and a half inch guy. Yes. Magical. It is confirmed. It is confirmed.

It is confirmed. It is confirmed. It is confirmed. This has been Kill Tony Mania Part 2 for the night. Thank you to this little person. Ask this guy, Jeremiah, get this guy's name. Don't touch their head. What's your name, honey? What's your name, honey? Clint Brown. What is it their head. What's your name, honey? What's your name, honey? Clint Brown.

What is it? Clint. Clint? Give it up for Clint, ladies and gentlemen. Or Big Wiener. Or Big Wiener. Give it up for Big Wiener Clint. Fuck yeah.

This guy, clearly a member of the Lollipop Guild. He's got a fucking dick like a normal human being. Look at that. What's going on over here? I love this guy's style. Great stuff, man. Great job having an average-sized dick. You wonder why he walks with a limp.

It's from the meat hanger. How about another amp for this guy, everybody? And everybody else that you saw. Okay. Oh, my God. Okay. Oh my God. Okay. Who else wants to come backstage and show me the cock?

All right. There you go. Okay. And that is that is tonight's episode of Kill Tony everybody. How about another hand for Jeremiah Watkins?

Huh? Jeremiah Watkins has a podcast. He's on social media but you know that. You listen to every episode. He's headlining Huntington Beach, The Rec Room, November 16th,

St. Louis, November 29th and 30th, San Diego, December 6th, and Kansas City, December 19th to the 21st. That's him headlining. Tickets are available at jeremiahwatkins.com. We have the Kill Tony Mania prints from Ryan J. E. Belt available for sale after the show. We're all going to sign them, take pictures with you if you want.

Let's look at tonight's print that he drew while you all sat there doing nothing. There you go. Come say hi to all of us after the show. How about one more time for Jesse Johnson, everybody, joining the band tonight? How about one more time for the great Chroma Chris, everybody? Silent but deadly.

Chroma, what did you think about tonight's episode? It was golden, Tony. Fuck yeah. And how about one more time for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen? Oh, fuck yeah. One more time for Tristan Bowling, fresh out of the psych ward. Absolutely having a blast killing it. And one more time for the great William Montgomery, everybody.

Yeah. And look at that over there for the great William Montgomery, everybody. Yeah. And look at that over there. It's David Lucas, everyone. Two more shows tomorrow night. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. We love you guys.

Good night. The Kill Tony Band also has the Big Gay Calendar. We got calendars in the lobby. Big Gay Calendar. We got calendars in the lobby Big gay calendarこのヒーローインターン 待てられないのね このヒーローインターン 前を向いて行こう Outro Music Bye. Thank you.