KILL TONY - KILL TONY #404

Episode Date: October 23, 2019

KILL TONY MANIA, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 10/19/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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19-plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every episode of Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live we are this week going to be in australia october 25th brisbane october 26 melbourne october 27th sydney and then november 7th we are in washington dc we added a second show because the first show sold out so check us out in washington dc november 7th

december 12th we're going to be in our hometown, Columbus, Ohio, at the Newport Music Hall. December 14th, we're going to be in Pittsburgh. December 15th, in Cleveland. So go to Death Squad and click on Tour Dates for all the up-to-date information and ticket links. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his stand-up shows and a bunch of merch. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He has a brandup shows and a bunch of merch. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J.

Ebelt. He's the house artist. He has a brand new Kill Tony book shipping now. So go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV. There you have the official Kill Tony shirts that just went on sale and they're almost sold out. So if you haven't got one, get it now. We also have Death Squad hats and shirts brand new

check it out shop squad dot tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is red band coming to you live from Kill Tony Mania 2. At Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco, give it up for Tony Hitchclap. Yes, San Francisco, it's Kill Tony Mania Night 2, show one. Wow, this is a hot crowd. How loud can this place get for the great Brian Red Band, everybody? Six and a half years of Kill Tony. This is Kill Tony Mania 2,

which means there's a bunch of special treats here. Like that guy right over there, it's Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, all the way from Los Angeles, California. He draws every episode he drew a special poster for this week and he draws everything Kill Tony the book available now on Amazon, Amazon Prime, all the good stuff

the brand new Kill Tony the book the most updated version of it and a lot of fun stuff happening we are here two sold out shows tonight and it has begun. Then we fly off to Australia this Wednesday. We're going to Brisbane, Australia.

Melbourne, Australia. And Sydney, Australia this upcoming week. Then we go to Washington, D.C. for two shows with four stand-up shows. And then Columbus, Ohio, Pittsburgh, and Cleveland in the middle of December. Fun stuff. What the fuck are you guys laughing at? Cleveland in December. Cleveland in December.

We're going to hang out with some family. You guys are going to get to meet my dad for the first time. That's going to be a certain topic of conversation. It's totally going to be a running gag on this show, how Italian Tony's dad is. I can see it already. Prepare yourselves for that. You will be shocked.

But it's about tonight. We're here. We're live. It's Kill Tony Mania. This is very exciting stuff. I'm always so happy to be here. This is just one of the most fun shows, and we always bring a bunch of special guests and a bunch of special treats. We also go

to the bucket and we had a bunch of people sign up. That's always fun. But we have a band on this show, ladies and gentlemen. They are one of my favorite things in all of comedy. It is my funniest friends.

Every single episode they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. They had a farther different green room than we had tonight. So let's all find out what they are together. They stay in character throughout the show. Sometimes it's a brand new character. For the first time ever last night, we saw the Golden Girls for the first time ever. We also saw the return of the Cat Burglars during show one.

This is Saturday night. These are two sold-out shows, so let's see what they picked for this first show. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Chroma Chris, and Joelberg Joel Jimenez. Whoa! Oh, my goodness. We've seen these guys before.

It's the emo guys. They are so emotional. These are some of the most famous characters in the history of the band. The crowd goes wild. You guys know the band. The crowd goes wild. You guys know the show. This is very exciting. It's been a long time since we've seen these guys. Can you remind me of your name, main emotional guy?

My name's Darwin. Wow. All right, Darwin. Well, welcome back to the show and clearly over there. I'm not surprised you forgot my name. Is this your first time in San Francisco? Yeah. Oh, okay.

And then clearly next to you, that's the great Chroma Chris, who tonight looks a lot like somehow the rare lesbian with AIDS. It's an elusive type. What's your name? Name's Connor. My parents just call me a disappointment, though. Oh, wow. Wow.

And then clearly back here we have the doll from the newest version of Child's Play. Let's see. For the Mexican. How are you, pal? I'm good. Oh, boy. You seem really sad.

Yeah. Okay. You're real emotional. What's your name? Doesn't matter. You're just going to call me gay anyway. I'm writing it down. Gay.

Well, that'll work. Fuck yeah. That's the band. We have some special treats treats but before we get to special treats for you why don't we talk about this bucket of destiny the actual bucket of destiny made it all the way from Los Angeles for this

Kill Tony Mania everybody signed up pretty much I feel like you know what you signed up for if you came to this show if I pull your name out of the bucket you get 60 seconds uninterrupted to try to do stand-up. Maybe it's somebody's first time. Maybe it's their last time. Maybe

they're in the middle of an amazing comedy career and they're an undiscovered talent that is here to get a big break. You know your 60 seconds uninterrupted is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry Castro District Bear.

And then we interview you, talk with you about your life, find out more interesting stuff about you. You guys ready to start this show or what? What do you guys say? Should we start with the bucket? Alright, let's do it. Let's treat the beginning of this one like a normal Kill Tony

and then maybe we'll do a special treat right after this. All right, your first comedian getting an uninterrupted. Yes, the only way to this stage is this staircase right here. So no matter where you are, you have to make your way all the way over here and through there. Put your hands together for your first comedian, Franco Tavini, everybody. And the show has begun live. Everything is in position. Gun.

Live. Everything is in position. Franco Tavini. Yeah, yeah. Please step back from that ledge. An outstanding movement. Step back from that ledge. Really? He walked out on us just like my dad did.

Wow. My goodness. How does someone sign up first and not get... How are they... How's that humanly... Is that Franco Tavini? All right, Franco Tavini. We step back from that ledge.

Hey, hey, hey. We step back from that ledge. One more time for Franco Tavini, everybody. Oh step back on that ledge. One more time for Franco Tavini, everybody. Oh, son of a bitch. Holy shit. How the fuck is everybody doing, cops? Yeah? So good, I guess.

That's fucking good. That's awesome. Oh, man, I've been having a really fucking good week, which is kind of uncharacteristic of me. I feel like I have, maybe not anger issues, but I get upset at the smallest things. Show of hands, whoever here gets angry for seemingly no reason.

Does anybody here? Show of hands. Okay. I saw a few of you raised your hands and just thank God you raised your hand, you know what I'm saying? Because if you didn't, I was gonna fucking lose it! I swear to God! Ape shit. Man, I was gonna fucking lose it! I swear to God! Ape shit. Man, I just like, and I mean angry for seemingly no reason.

Like, have you guys ever been enraged at an inanimate object for just obeying the laws of physics? Have you guys ever been there? You ever put a water bottle on top of your own car sideways, it rolls off, you pick it up, throw it into a tree and call it a cocksucker at the top of your lungs? Yeah, that's the kind of level I'm fucking with, for sure. Oh, man.

I just get really fucking... Yeah, go ahead. That's the sound. No, that was that. Is that it? Okay, very good. Hell yeah. Franco Tavini.

Hell yeah. Franco, welcome to the show. Hell yeah. You almost walked away there. Have you ever seen this show before? No, I have. I have. It was a weird instinct that happened. show. Hell yeah. You almost walked away there. Have you ever seen this show before? No, I have. I have. It was a weird instinct that happened.

Okay. Hell yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Three or four years now. Three or four years. Hell yeah. All here in San Francisco? Yeah, mostly San Francisco, mostly the North Bay from Santa Rosa.

The North Bay. Santa Rosa. Wow. I fucking represent the North Bay, everybody. There's another red-headed guy with earrings in the back that's excited. Yeah, I think this guy Rickrolled me a few years ago. That's so true. That's so fun, Franco.

What do you do for work? I work at a nursing center. It's all very boring. Is it? What do you do at the nursing center? I help the elderly, which I'm sure sounds very fulfilling. So you're a butt wiper? Yeah, yeah.

I mean, yeah, I'm not certified, but they let me do it sometimes. You ever have any... Whoa, rebel with a cause. Hell yeah. You have any sweet stories of an elderly person that did something cute or really likes you? No, but yeah, a lot of the old ladies,

one of them grabbed my dick and balls one time. Whoa, dick and balls, the whole package, huh? She had very large hands. They were like catcher's mitts. It was very, yeah. Catcher's mitts? My goodness. Long old lady hands.

So you let her fucking, then you're like, hey, what about my butthole, baby? I mean, who am I to deny someone with their last wish, you know what I mean? Exactly. Hell yeah, their last will. Fuck yeah. Did you shoot away immediately? I mean, I would have sat there for a couple minutes. It was longer than it should have been.

It was longer than it should have been. Right. You pushed in a little bit, right? Yeah. Well, yeah. Fuck yeah. What do you like to do for fun? Do you have any special skills or talents or anything?

You're the rare red-headed guy with earrings named Franco Tavini. That's my talent, and I've been riding that for a long time. Your look doesn't really match your name at all earrings named Franco Tavini. That's my talent and I've been riding that for a long time. Your look doesn't really match your name at all. Like Franco Tavini, this fucking guy. You know, the guy that looks like a real fucking forgot. Do you know what I mean? No, I fucking, no. I mean, I had Italian grandparents. I know how to make

ravioli. You know what I mean? Like, I've been there. Heck yeah. How about the special skills or talents or anything like that? Special what I mean? Like, I've been there. Heck yeah. How about the special skills or talents or anything? Special skills or talents? Dude, I can fucking I can shave a cat very well. More than anybody else can. What do you mean by that? I just am good with the clippers, you know what I mean?

No, I don't know what you mean. Yeah. Yeah, I just mean like, I'm good with grooming animals. Why do I feel like that's the only pussy you've ever touched? Hey! Darwin! I'm sorry, I didn. Why do I feel like that's the only pussy you've ever touched? Hey. Darwin. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bully you.

I mean, the cats are willing. You know what I mean? At least the cats are willing. Are you making a joke, or you actually groom animals? No, I've groomed, yeah, my family's animals. Not just cats, but I mean, that seemed like most people have seen a cat. So I feel like we'll just go with that. Wow. Besides dog?

Oh yeah, I can groom a dog, I guess. How about any other animals can you groom? Oh yeah, man. I can groom like horses and stuff. Like on a team, I'm not going to do that myself. I'm not going to groom a horse myself, you know? Oh my goodness. That's a whole effort. Wow. One snip at a time, you know?

How about your love life? What's going on? Oh, it's great, dude. I'm in a time, you know? How about your love life? What's going on? Oh, it's great, dude. I'm in a committed relationship. Yeah? Yeah. With who? With my girlfriend, hopefully. Where'd you guys meet at? Wait, what? Yeah, I know. You look like the gay

Weasley brother that nobody talks about. Yeah. I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm bullying you. Taking on my affliction on others. I'd actually be offended if you didn't think I was gay. Like there would probably be something off. Did she go on Plenty of Fish but she found a rock lobster instead?

Yeah. What does she do for work? Dude, she works at a law firm. Oh, wow. Hell yeah. What does she do for the law firm? Sounds like a secretary. I mean, I don't say it that way, but yeah. Law firm's like a big word for just a typical

secretary. Exactly. Or else you'd be like, she's a fucking lawyer, dude. No, no, no. Do you have any special things that you do in the bedroom? Oh, yeah. You ever do the old fucking gingerbread man? For sure, yeah. Well, I mean, like, you know, I got this,

I got like a whole like red carpet situation going down there, you know what I mean? So it's all very like, I light some candles. Hell yeah. It's disgusting. Yeah. I know, yeah. I'll tell you what, Franco,

you've been doing it three or four years. It's not easy to get this show started you're a fucking cool dude thanks so much for signing up and coming on Franco Tabini everybody he's on Instagram copper for hair copper for hair a red headed comedian

how fun is that it's not too often that you get to start the show with a red head and it It's not too often that you get to start the show with a redhead, and it's definitely not too often that you get to start the show with two redheads. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a regular on this show. On Kill Tony Mania, we do things crazy, out of order, and the people join the panel after they do a brand-new minute. I present to you a brand new minute. Very controversial figure. Either you love him or you hate him.

You're about to see him live. I present to you the great William Montgomery. Thank you. Let me hear y'all make some noise if you like Tim Lincecum. In 2010, my daughter was born, but the only thing greater than that was the Giants winning the World Series! So I have a movie coming out. It's called Allah in Alaska. in Alaska it's about a Muslim man

who falls in love with a lady dog sled racer from Anchorage but their relationship is put to the test when Ramadan falls during the Iditarod San Francisco if I end up jumping off a bridge

it's gonna be from the Golden Gate Bridge! I used to homeschool my daughter. We fucked a lot. Is that true? Her name was Sarah. She was handicapped. I'm kidding. My dad's going to be watching this.

That's all for my new ghost writer, Zorro27. I want to give a shout-out to Zorro27. How about a hand for William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen? Wow. Live in the flesh. Came out smashing. Using a new technique we've seen a lot of lately from him,

where he drops local references and gets the audience deeply on his side. Let's give it up for Peja Stojakovic. That did well in Sacramento. Let's give it up for Mike Bibby. Okay. William, unbelievably fun set. I love the love that you have here in San

Francisco from these people. You had to wait a few seconds to start. Boy, the trolls on the internet are gonna hate seeing that shit. You just soaking in applause before saying a single word. My God.

There was some piece of shit out front last night who said he was gonna punch me. I had been eyeing him the whole time. I'll be honest. I was on Zantac 75. I have something called Lyme's disease. Lyme's disease.

What was that noise? That was a haunted laugh of some kind. Very interesting maneuver there. William, we love you. You're always fun. What do you say you come over here and join panel for the show, huh? Oh, boy. William is just going to sit in on the chaos.

Come on over here. Have a seat. Look at you. He smells better than you think, everybody, if you're wondering. What do you guys think? Should we get back to this bucket, huh? Let's keep this fun train moving along. We're flying through it here.

This is a beautiful, beautiful fucking show so far. I'm excited about this. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Drew Nelson, everyone. Drew Nelson. We're all gonna meet him together. Wow, here he comes. Row three, section A.

Here we go. Slow stand. Here he is, Drew Nelson, everybody. Hello. So I just drove here from Reno, Nevada with my brother. It's a shithole, and everyone who lives there is kind of in denial that it's a shithole. They'll defend it with a passion,

but they always say things like, you know, it's not so bad. We're an hour from Tahoe, one of the most beautiful places in America. Four hours from San Francisco. And I think that's kind of like, you know, inviting someone over to my shithole apartment. Being like, yeah, this is a shithole. And I'm like, well, yeah, but Greg's house is, you know, right down the hall. And his house is pretty nice. So, yeah, my wife is from China, straight from China to Reno.

I was like, why'd you go to Reno? It's a shithole. She's like, oh, well, you can see the sky. That's pretty nice. There you go. Drew Nelson. Fuck yeah. Your girlfriend's from China or your wife?

What'd you say? Wife? Fuck yeah. How long you been married for? We just got married. Talking to the microphone. We just got married. Congratulations. Fuck yeah. How long did you... Statistically, half of marriages end in divorce.

Whoa, that's a very dark outlook, Darwin. The other half end in death. Oh, that's very dark. Chroma Chris. Chroma Chris. Chroma Chris is the only person on this stage that doesn't do stand-up comedy, and he hits grand slams out of nowhere sometimes.

I love it. Heck yeah. So when you invited your wife over from China, were you like, I got to warn you, I don't live in the best city? And she's like, Reno. Is that how, is that what happened? Yeah, so she came here on a student visa. We have a university, so I met her there.

No, I know. They love going to school. Yeah, they do. They fucking can't get enough of it. She's still in school? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it never ends in your entire life. Asians love their masters.

Anyway. Wait, what the fuck was that? Brian. Red band. Was that a new sound effect? What? This is what you're working on? Okay, alright.

This is your wife calling in live. Look at me. It's a long-distance call from Reno. Is your wife with you here today? No, she is not. I came with my brother. Oh, wow. Very cool.

Does he have an Asian wife as well? No. No. Okay. She's as white as it gets. Oh, wow. What do you mean by that? Jesus.

Is she whiter than William William Montgomery Look at this fucking guy Drew how long have you been doing stand up This is my first time That's very good Very good Very fucking good I would have guessed a little bit more than that That's very impressive

Very fucking cool, man. You really get it. You're a fan of the art form? Oh, definitely, yeah. Hell yeah. It's gotten me through some tough times. I love it. Absolutely.

Us too. How about your life in Reno? What are you doing for work? I'm a scientist at the state health lab. Wow. Hell yeah. That's how you get that fucking Chinese lab. Wow. Hell yeah. That's how you get that fucking Chinese pussy. Absolutely.

Hell yeah. Get all up in her fucking little Petri dish. You know what I'm saying? Fucking pull out your little microscope and have some scientist sex. You have any special moves in the bedroom that you do? You ever do the old fucking... The old fucking... Yeah. Do you ever do the cry and cut yourself?

I mean, that's not where I was really going to go with it. I cum every time. You have any special moves that you do in the bedroom, Drew? Well, they don't have porn in China, so she likes porn a lot. So I think that's why she came here. Wow, that's fucking awesome. I like that. So she sort of watches porn on a laptop while you just hit it from behind, sort of like that?

What's the setup on that? Or she watches it and then you guys do it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bit of A and B. A little A and B. Fuck yeah. Let me ask you something. When you hit it doggy style, does she ever try to eat herself?

It's a weird one. What the fuck was that noise you guys just made? What is that? Jesus. Oh, boy. Okie dokie. A lot of random sounds coming over. What is that one, and how does that apply to that part?

It's a ten-second-long sound effect of what? All right, yeah. All right, yeah. That one I think we just figured out the ending is better than the beginning. So that's a little something to keep in mind on that one. Yellow band. Yeah. Wow.

So, Drew, what else about you, man? What do you like to do for fun and shit like that? Do you have any hobbies or anything like that? You seem like the kind of guy that fucking likes to sit on a stack of books while reading other books. You know what I mean? You ever make a little book bench? I like to read, but I used to be an emo kid in high school. Whoa. Really?

What was one of the more emo things that you ever did? I had some pretty sweet hair like that. I had some colors in it, and I used to take MySpace pictures and get all those comments from the little girls, you know? And when did you start dressing like a South Park character? Seriously. Wow, there it is. It has begun.

The Joelberg chant is rippling through the room. That is a fucking good one. You look like a South Park character. Fun fact, South Wow. There you go. South Park is also the name of his wife. Anyway. William,

you don't get to be on panel very often. This is his first time. Do you have any advice for him? You were given some of them. Yeah, I've recently become a teacher of stand-up comedy. Some of my pointers I give to people, if you ever try to make people laugh, just start out, just right off the bat,

just tell people you're blind. Start talking about your aunt start talking about diseases you may have I like to bring up Lyme's disease I like to bring up Legionnaire's disease diverticulitis, you name it start talking about you working at the Le Quintin that's always fun

William, it's very interesting you tell people to do exactly what you do a lot of comedians try to sway people away from covering the exact topics but I like your style you're like, dude, you want to come for the throne? come fucking get it, bro

if you can write a better diverticulitis joke than me good fucking luck Drew, anything crazy about you else that we should know before we let you go? Let's see. I'm a recovering addict. I used to be one of the worst ones you've ever met. Yeah? How far did we get?

What was rock bottom for you? Rock bottom. Let's see. Let's see. I lived in a motel and puked all over the motel. It gets gross. I mean, Red Band did that last night. What are you talking about? That's normal.

Rock bottom. You just put down the pet deposit. You can do whatever you want. Hey, look at that. Shit all over the place. Jesus Christ. Alright. Well, Drew, very, very, very impressed. Oh, Darwin, yes. What kind of music did you like in high school? Alright Well Drew Very very very

Oh Darwin yes Yeah what kind of music Did you like in high school Good question You were in your emo phase What was your Chiodis How does that go

Can you remind me What does that sound like You want me to sing it Yeah I mean sure Fucking just remind me of it I'm not expecting Like it's not

There's not gonna be Like a lighting change Or anything like that There's not, there's not going to be, like, a lighting change or anything like that. There's not going to be a single spotlight that comes down, but, like, what was their famous song? There's No Penguins in Alaska. Yeah, I never got into any of that shit. Doesn't matter.

How about one more time? First time, one of the better first time sets I've ever seen. Drew Nelson, everybody. Did it. Kill Tony, that's how you do it, everybody. Did it. Kill Tony. That's how you do it, buddy. That's how it works.

Bucket or special treat? What do you guys think? Treat? All right. Let's do a treat. We have another regular on this show, ladies and gentlemen. He just got added to the show a couple weeks ago. This is his first Kill Tony Mania. We have so much fun with him. He's an unbelievable ladies and gentlemen. He just got added to the show a couple weeks ago. This is his first Kill Tony Mania.

We have so much fun with him. He's an unbelievable writer and performer. We're so happy he's a regular on this show. Put your hands together for one of my favorite top Young Rising comedians in the world, the great David Lucas, everybody. Here he is. Yeah, this feels good to do a text.

A real text, man. Yeah. I don't text ugly girls good morning. I text them good luck. She's like, on what? I'm like, yo, day bitch, you gonna need it. I hate when ugly girls got good pussy. You know what I'm saying?

Like, bitch, I can't even fuck you at my house. Next time you come over, can you put on a UPS outfit? And knock on the door four times and I let you in? You know what I'm saying? I fuck with a lot of lesbian chicks. Because I got titties. They're like, what about the pussy? I'm like, close your eyes.

You'll get to it. A little lower. There you go. That joke made me laugh. Oh, shit. David Lucas, everybody. Fuck yeah. David, always a killer.

Always straight material. I fucking love it, man. I love your style. How you doing? You been having fun up in here in San Francisco this weekend? Yeah, I'm ready to get out of this rain, though. Shit fucking up my hair. That's what's fucking

it up? I think your barber fucked it up, man. You act like that shit started growing out because of the rain up here. If I had that haircut, I'd be begging for low-hanging fog. Fuck, Tony. No, I like your style, though.

I don't think white people can get this hair. Well, white people with dreads listen to Bob Marley. That's true. They do listen to Bob Marley, and they don't shower properly. No. But you, you rock that shit, huh? Hell yeah. Fuck it.

I like it, man. Does it keep you warm at night or anything? I don't know how that works. Man, I just literally got bored, and I said, let me try something new. Hell yeah. How's it been working for you, picking up more lesbians with it lately? I get more black girls who are into that African shit. Some natural chicks that don't shave.

Oh, shit. What are they like in the bedroom? I've been lucky enough in my time. You ever rubbed your dick on a rug? enough in my time. You ever rubbed your dick on a rug? Actually, I have rubbed my dick on a rug. Well, there you go. When you fuck a chick that don't shave.

Wow. Alright. Well, there you go. David Lucas, you're unbelievable. I'm so happy you're here. What do you say David Lucas joins panel? David Lucas joining panel for the show. Camouflaged out. Heck yeah. Ready for more bucket? Let's fucking go.

Let's meet someone else. We already had a first timer. Let's see what happens here. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Eddie C. Eddie C. Hell yeah. Eddie C, the letter C. How about a hand for the band, huh guys? Aren't they amazing tonight? Here's Eddie C.

Yo. So, I was talking to my boy's mom about black.com yesterday. And I was explaining to her what it was. You know, if you don't know what it is, it's usually a hot blonde chick going to some job for the first time with somebody important, football, basketball player, big black dude comes in, says, we fucking? Okay, it fucking okay it goes but she asked well do they have those for latinos she's mexican you know they have those for us i was like yeah no i don't think so because first of all you have to get rid of the high heels because we're not tall enough to be what do you know we're five six five eight we don't hit six foot so there's only so much you can do. And our jobs, I mean, our jobs, you know,

I'm black, the stereotypical, you know, not black jobs, and stereotypical Mexican jobs are cleaning lawns and fucking cleaning houses, and how many times can you do that before it stops getting sexy, you know what I mean? There's only so many times you can be like, oh, I didn't do good in junior college, so it's my first job cutting the lawn here.

Paco, what do you need me to do? Yeah, college so it's my first job cutting the lawn here. Paco, what do you need me to do? Yeah, that's it. Thank you. Hell yeah. Eddie C., everybody. Welcome to the show, Eddie. Thank you. Hell yeah.

What ethnicity are you? Mexican. We're deporting you right now. Ah, yeah. First time in Kill Sony history, instant deportation. I'm not one of them. Sorry. What? I was born here. It doesn't matter. We're deporting you anyway.

I don't know if you heard who our president is. There's new rules. Can I say congrats? I've been a couple episodes behind. I didn't know you got bumped up. Hey, thanks, man. You kept looking at me like I was going to help you with your shit. This motherfucker look back like, David, tag, tag, tag, nigga, tag. Punchline, man. You kept looking at me like I was going to help you with your shit. This motherfucker look back like, David, tag, tag, tag, nigga, tag. Punch line, please.

Somebody help me. I want to make sure your face didn't get mean or something. Like, what the fuck is he saying? Nah, you was on some bullshit, but. Oh, my goodness. Wow. He looks like Joe Pesci in a taco truck owner had a kid. You look like one of the Pep Boys.

You got a weed eater or what? You got a weed eater? A weed eater? Yeah. No. Okay. What's a weed eater? I need a new lawnmower.

Oh, Jesus. I'll bring you to L.A. Like a weed whacker? Weed eater. Yeah, we call it weed eater in the South. Really? You call Weed eater. Yeah, we call it weed eater in the South. Really? You call everything an eater. Okay, my bad.

White people, weed whacker. God damn. Weed whacker. I've never heard that shit. That is a lot whiter than weed eater. Especially the way you said it. My God, I didn't realize how silly white people sound. Weed than E-A-T-U-H.

Weed eater. Eater? E-A-T-U-H. Eater. Wow. What you gonna do to her? I'm a eater. Hey.

I learn something new every day hanging out with you, David Lucas. But this is about Eddie C. right now. Look at this fucking guy. Absolutely. Out of his Best Buy uniform right now. Just fucking waiting around. What do you do for work, Eddie? I'm a chef. Oh, really? What kind of food do you cook?

I'm a steakhouse. I live in Denmark now. Denmark the country? Denmark the country, yeah. Wow. I'm a chef at a steakhouse over there. That's so fucking cool. How'd you end up out in Denmark? Married a Danish chick and they got free healthcare and shit Damn Look at that

Wow Look at that Man, you're an extreme Mexican I upgraded, I figured it out New game, go to Denmark, socialism's awesome Wow, that's incredible So have you capitalized on the free healthcare at all? I figured it out. New game. Go to Denmark. Socialism is awesome, dude. Wow. That's incredible. So have you capitalized on the free health care at all?

Have you come down with anything? Have you used it? Oh, yeah. I slipped down ice on my first winter. I ate shit on outside stairs. Yeah, Mexicans don't do great with ice. You don't see a lot of Mexicans trying to cross the border into Canada. Ice fucked me up, yeah. That's the most Mexican shit ever.

Slipped on ice. First day, Tony. First day. Whoa! Whoa! Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay! That's incredible. Slipped right on the ice.

I was going to cut down my first Christmas tree, too. So I ended up doing some stupid shit like that. Wait, first Christmas tree in your entire life? Or are you cutting down your first one? Cutting down my first Christmas tree, too. So I ended up doing some stupid shit like that. Wait, first Christmas tree in your entire life? Or are you cutting down your first one? Cutting down my first Christmas tree. I was going to be real sad if you never had Christmas. My goodness, you failed at cutting down a tree. How not Mexican of you.

Wow. He did trim it beautifully before he tried to chop it down. Use that motherfucking weed eater. before he tried to chop it down. Use that motherfucking weed eater. Did I use that properly in a sentence? Yep. Good shit, bro.

Thank you. So, Eddie, what else do you do for fun? I mean, like, Danish wife. Where'd you even meet her? She was studying English in San Diego. Oh, hell yeah. Look at you. What were you doing in San Diego at the time?

Fucking around. Nothing. Yeah, fucking around, going back to the motherland. I know what the fuck you do in San Diego. This guy's a secret Mexican. Can't abort me. Have my papers

and I'm Danish. Goodbye. Fuck yeah. What do you like to do for fun? Any hobbies or anything like that? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to climb trees

or something, right? Just fucking look down at people and then jump down and scare them? He's laughing. I might be close on this one. Darwin? Are you looking to make any new friends? Sure. Okay, cool.

Any hobbies or anything like that? Things you do? No, right now I'm just playing fantasy football. They play Danish football out there, so there's a whole bunch of NFL fans and shit. I got two little kids, so I'm doing that. What's Danish football? Trying not to break them. Oh, wow.

What's Danish football? It's like the NFL, but slower. Yeah. So you have two kids with the Danish lady? Yeah. How long have you been over in Denmark? It'll be 10 years.

10 years. So what brings you here? Just vacation, visiting family. Oh, that's so cool. And you listen to the show while you're in Denmark? Mm-hmm.

A couple years now. That's awesome. We've always wondered who that one listener in Denmark is. Oh, yeah. I've always wondered, too. You come off on the map,

there's just one little blip. It just worked out. Is drugs legal there? Is there any weird laws that would be shocked? They have their own little Amsterdam in Copenhagen that's kind of clean. It's called Christiania. Shit, I might get famous now in Denmark for talking about that. Heck yeah.

But yeah, you can buy weed there, and it's okay. They got cookies and brownies and shit, but otherwise it's kind of square. The cats out there that smoke weed, they're kind of shitty and dirty. The people that smoke weed there are all like... They're not like here. There are no doctors and lawyers that smoke weed in Denmark. It's all 13-year-olds trying it. They don't have

really good marketing for it out there yet. Working on it. How old are your kids? Six and three. Anything weird about them? They're born three years apart, exactly, to the day. Whoa. The 22nd, 23rd. Whatever that day is nine months before that, you're blowing the fucking, that's the most Mexican part about you, huh?

Just blowing those hot fucking baby-making loads, huh? Just dropping off that horchata at the fucking Danish bakery, huh? Yes, sir. Just fucking baking a fucking little Danish bakery, huh? Yes, sir. Fucking baking a fucking little Danish with your little fucking tortilla down there. Last week of July. The last week of July, absolutely. When that fucking, when that, well, I guess that's not summer in Denmark, but it's probably the middle of winter.

You guys are just freezing your balls off. You have a sore back from slipping on ice all the time. She's all Danish and shish. She has a cute accent. Let me be on top today, Eddie. She sounds normal. Her English is good. She speaks, she sounds normal.

Sure, it's good. Sure, yeah. She sounds like she's from the Midwest. She sounds normal. Wow, she sounds normal. I like how you put that. Eddie, how long have you been doing stand-up? First time.

Very good, yes. I was hoping so. That's great. I just assumed that. Eddie, how long have you been doing stand-up? First time. Very good. Yes, I was hoping so. That's great. I just assumed that. That was good. Is it something you think you're going to do more of? I mean, I thought about it, but there's no scene out there at all. Right, there's no scene. You could be the one to start it if it's something that you're interested in. You know what I mean? I'm sure with Netflix,

Netflix is so global that stand-up's getting bigger everywhere, especially with podcasts. I don't even know why I said Netflix first, but you know what I mean? It's just becoming more popular globally at a fast rate. The restaurant has a meeting space that they don't use. A meeting space? There you go.

You'd be shocked to know that it just takes fucking, I guess like fucking six pieces of wood to put a dumb stage together, a mic, a mic stand, two speakers, and you fucking got it. So maybe that's something you should start out there. Start a scene if there isn't one, right? Yeah, that'll work. I'll use this as marketing. Thank you. That's a great way to

get it going. Start your own show. There he goes. Eddie C., everybody. He's on a little vacation. Fuck yeah. Back to the bucket. What do you guys think? Back to the bucket What do you guys think? Back to the bucket? Let's fucking go Back to the bucket we go

Okay Make some noise for Andrew Loza Andrew Loza Hello CA Eddie C is on Twitter at Hella Stoney. One more time, good and loud for Andrew Loza. So I'm Mexican. And I have a large nose.

Which I think means if I knew how to play an instrument, I could be part of the band. I don't know. I don't know. I, uh... I once almost got a job at a bank from the size of my nose alone. I, uh... I'm born and raised here in San Francisco, in the Bay Area.

And I do pretty well for myself, you know. I make like $70,000 a year. And yeah, I'm homeless. Fuck yeah, Andrew Loza, doing real stand-up comedy here, huh? Fuck yeah, Andrew Loza Doing real stand-up comedy here Fuck yeah Hey, what just happened over there, Darwin? What's going on? This guy's punking me

I have an emo joke What did he do? What happened? He put it on the sides of my nose Andrew, so welcome, welcome. Look at that. Eddie C, look what happens. If you keep doing it and you keep working it, you could end up like this Mexican guy one day. Look at that. That was a great set,

dude. How long have you been doing stand-up? First time. What the fuck? Really? A lot of surprising first timers here. Then again, I guess a lot of your laughs were sort of off of your realism and awkward timing, I guess, right? Also, he just said because he had a big nose, he could be in the

band. He really shot down my musical capability. It's like, well, yeah, welcome in. You have a big nose, too. Hey, Andrew, can I give you one pointer? Your next set, I would open up with,

so I'm single, I'm holding out for a black or an oriental. Oh, that's actually a good... William just gives away jokes. It's very rare that guests just give away jokes. Very fun. Andrew, how long did it take you to drive here from Stockton this evening? Shout out to the 209. Our friends, our good friends,

the Diaz brothers couldn't make it here. We hung out with Nick last week at the comedy store. I'm going to Nate's fight next week, two weeks from now in New York City.

Right on. Yeah. But where are you from? What part of town do you live in? Antioch. It's like 45 minutes away. 45 minutes away. Wow. Some real Antioch fans over there. Look at that. You guys

all come in the same caravan? Yeah. Big van. Big Mexican van. Hell yeah. I like that. How old are you? 26. 27 next month. 26. What do you do for work? I work for a public transit in Concord, California, which is like 30 minutes. 30 minutes.

Okay, wow. Jesus. Jesus. One lady that likes the jelly, grape jelly, I meant to say. I fucked that one up. I just got it. You win, lady. You win that one.

For David, it's purple jelly. Or red. Andrew, tell us more about you. What's interesting about your life? Any fun facts about you? I like riding motorcycles. I used to pick up dead people for a while. Oh, you picked up

dead people. Fuck yeah. William still fucks dead people sometimes. Jesus Christ. You used to pick them up. William still fucks dead people sometimes. Jesus Christ. Used to pick them up. You were the body remover guy. Yeah. He just had one of these on the show a couple of times. We are big with the body removal industry. We're huge in that business. Everybody

knows Kill Tony. Anyway. Was it easy to have that job? It was super random. First day has's gotta be pretty fucking awkward right absolutely yeah it was just like I had a buddy that had an uncle that ran the funeral home

so he's like are they hiring keep going Andrew the work's dead right now your buddy's uncle had a funeral home in and he's just like oh you want some part time work picking up dead folks? I'm like, all right.

So that first day, what's that like? You go by yourself to this? You've got to have someone else, right? I was just going along, and it's just usually old folks. So if you had to guess, plus 10 or minus 10, how many dead bodies you've picked up, how many would you guess? Plus 10, for sure. No, I'm saying give or take 10, how many bodies do you think you've picked up. How many would you guess? Plus 10, for sure. No, I'm saying... I'm saying give or take 10,

how many bodies do you think you've picked up? Like 20, 30, 40, 70? It was a while ago, but probably like 25. 25. Was there one that sort of stood out to you? Yeah, the first time I went on a drive alone. So I went to Fairfield at like 3 in the morning because I was on call.

Ooh, Fairfield sounds interesting. One guy in the room was just like, oh, shit. Fairfield. We talking about the in-in suites? It's just the city up north. No, I know. And yeah, it was the first time I went by myself.

I already knew what to do. We signed some paperwork. It's usually old timers at hospices and stuff. And then you go in and what happens? Pick them up, start driving back. And then all of a sudden you look in your rear view mirror and you just see... Very close. Very close.

Yeah. No. They're like on a gurney in a bag tied down and I'm driving. The radio's off. It's 3 in the morning. Can't hear shit. Shut the fuck up. I'm already frightened right now.

You don't even have to finish the story, bro. No, it's bad. You got me. Radio off? Who has a dead body in the back and doesn't have the radio off? It's broken. It was broken. Turn it around every now and then I get a little bit.

That shit was broken. Wake me up before you go. This is the worst day of my life. No, that's not what they would listen to, Darwin. All I heard was... Oh, shit. I almost crashed the van. I pulled over.

I jumped out. I called my boss. I'm like, dude, what the fuck? I think this guy's still alive. And he starts laughing. I'm like, what the fuck you? This guy, I heard something. He's like, no, they might have some air in their lungs.

And since it's compressed, you can hear it. I'm like, oh, shit. I hit a bump. I'm like, it scared the shit out of me. This sounds like the world's worst Uber ride. A lot of people don't realize

that dead people can make noises for up to 48 hours after they've been deceased. Wow. Yeah, I know things! Man, that is frightening. If it's any consolation, I slept in the same gigantic house as William Montgomery last night,

and I believe he was two floors below me, and I could still hear him breathing in the middle of the night. I actually, I really do have a disease called sleep apnea. Yeah. What do you take for that. What do you take for that? What do I take for that? A breath mint called Serts.

The cinnamon Serts really seem to help my breathing pattern. Well, Andrew, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told a guy earlier. For a first-time set, very, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told a guy earlier. For a first-time set, very, very fun. You seem to have a real knack at being comfortable. You seem comfortable right now, right? I'm nervous as shit. But you seem comfortable, and that's what stand-up is.

You're performing. I mean, nervousness, in a way, never goes away. If anything, I think I probably said this before, it increases. You know what I mean? All of a sudden, you're three specials in, and now people fuck or whatever. You know what I mean? The pressure increases. That never really goes away. But you seem cozy.

Right on. Put your hands together one more time for Andrew Loza, everybody. He's on Instagram at LozaGore. L-O-Z-A-G-O-O-R-R. Special treat. Special treat, anyone? This is an exciting one. Now, this young lady has only been on this show one time ever before in the history of the show.

And she let us know when we were on that show that she lives up near Northern California. that show that she lives up near Northern California. And she left a real imprint on us, an unbelievable set minute that she had back at the main room of the Comedy Store. I recognized her immediately when she got pulled out of the bucket on that show as being featured on a lot of Brian Holtzman's amazing Instagram videos. She sang a song for us after her set. That was unbelievable. I present to you her second time

ever on Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, it is the return of Nicole Tran, everybody. Here she is. Thank you. Chá ơi hãy chậm lại đường gươm cho con Đừng nhìn mặt cha lần sau cuối rồi Lát nữa đây con sẽ Please feel free to sing along if you know the words I live in Little Saigon in San Jose

That's the only neighborhood where you see an Uber driver on a scooter I have a porcelain wind chime Sound like classical music My neighbor hascelain wind chime. Sounds like classical music. My neighbor has a metal wind chime. King, ping, pong, kang. It sounds like roll call back in my high school. I like Halloween night. Last year, I dressed like Halloween night. Last year, I dressed like Kim Kardashian.

I crammed two watermelons down the back of my pants. Then I put two cantaloupes in the front. Then I got arrested for shoplifting. Nicole Tran, everybody! Wow. Your energy is completely unmatched. You are just a little fucking firecracker. Come on, my man!

Okie dokie. Boy, oh boy. Welcome back to the show, Nicole. This is your second time ever on the show you made a long drive here today from where was it again where are you from what part of oh my goodness alright feel like I just got in

trouble hell yeah Nicole how long have you been doing comedy two years fuck yeah absolutely two years Nicole, how long have you been doing comedy? Two years. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Two years. That's incredible.

You're so good at this. What do you do? You have a job too? A normal job? I have a part-time job. I do birthday party. Bubble for the kids. Wait, what do you do? You blow bubbles? Yeah, for birthday party. Oh, damn. Out of your pussy?

Wow. There you go. He's got his foot behind his head. He's done both legs so far today. He's stretched out. Someone went to jujitsu today. Speaking of jitsu, let's get back to the culture. I don't know, man.

Ha ha ha ha. So you do a bubble routine where you go to children's birthday parties and you're able to make bubbles with wands and stuff like that? Yes. And today before the show, I did a show too. Hell yeah. I show how they

play it. Dun dun dun. Dun dun dun. And today before the show, I did a show too. Hell yeah. I show how they play it. Fuck yeah. Let's check in with Darwin over here for a second. Can I just say she looks like a sketch drawing of what a racist white guy would draw of an Asian person? Wow. Jesus. I like white guys, man, with blue eyes.

Ooh. Oh, shit. But they must have two of them. You are a sweet little thing. Is that what you've been with lately, mostly white guys? Blue eyes, man. Wow, you just fucked the eyeballs. I like that.

Chroma Chris over there has blue eyes. What do you think about that? Good-looking stud over there. A lot of people say Chroma Chris is one of the best-looking men in the world. Blue eye and blondie is the best for me. Whoa, shit. Chroma, what would you do to this young lady if you had a chance with her? Oh, he took the mic out of the mic stand.

Oh, Cromo, what would be your move with Nicole Tran? I don't know because this is the first time anybody's ever said they liked me. He's deep in character. Fuck yeah. Nicole. Nicole. Now,

the last time you were on this show, you became an instant Kill Tony legend because you sang us a song that we all loved. We all fell in love with it. It was both beautiful and completely haunting at the same time. Would you mind singing it for us again?

Can you do that? Would you guys like to hear Nicole Tran sing a song? Ladies and gentlemen, only at Kilt Sony Mania, Nicole Tran, everybody. Jimmy, please stay away from me. I grow up someday, you see. Saving all my kisses just for you. Stay with love forever true I think there's more.

I don't think we got to the meat and potatoes of it. Keep going, Nicole. Jimmy is the guy who lives next door. I guess I've known him ten years or more. Jimmy wrote to me on

one day. And this is what he has to say. Johnny, Johnny, please don't cry. You forget me by and by. You just 15, I am 22.

Johnny, Johnny, I cannot wait for you. Yeah, there it is. Absolutely. Wow. Both beautiful and somewhat frightening At the same time I used to want an Asian girlfriend Until that, that scared you? That's what I got to look forward to when she get old

Oh man I don't think you have the blue eyes and blonde hair She's looking for, David Lucas Contact lens And a week after Halloween. I got this fortune cookie for you. Wait, what'd you say to him? I'm interested to hear this.

What'd you say? Contact lens, blue eye contact lens. Oh, shit. The week after Halloween on sale clearance. So if I dye my dreads blonde and get blue contacts, we got a chance? Alright. Oh shit, we just need to get you a pair of contactor ends.

She'll have her true Godzilla. Fuck yeah. Queen Kong. Darwin. I don't know how, but that was way scarier than the dead body story that we just heard a little while ago

wow they are singing together. This is Darwin and Nicole Tran doing a little duo. Wow. Why don't I have blue eyes? But you have stripes. My goodness. You're sexy. Wow.

Nicole, we absolutely fucking love you. I mean, you are just so special and so cool. And we love people of all different shapes and sizes on this show. And the fact that you love being part of it when we're around or if you're around L.A. excites the hell out of us. So thank you so much for coming out here to Kill Tony Mania. How about one more time for the great Nicole Tran everybody thank you man fuck yeah absolutely be careful

on the roadways tonight everybody Nicole Tran is just out there just doing fucking donuts trying to get around San Francisco. What if we put her and the last guy's story together where she was the dead body

and she just starts singing? Imagine that. You're just driving a car, no radio. No radio. Even after death, getting in accidents. I'm not dead. You just see bubbles coming up into the front seat.

Like, what the fuck? Okay. I pull the name out of the bucket. Your next comedian. Anything can happen. Put your hands together for Zach Ordine. Zach Ordine. Ooh.

I hear oohs and aahs coming from... Zach Ordine. Here he is, everybody. Zach Ordean. There he is, everybody. What the fuck is up, Cobbs? San Francisco! Saturday night! Man, you guys got some great food here in San Francisco. I just got done eating two servings of crab chapino. So, comedians, I apologize if the microphone smells like crab. I just got done eating two servings of crab cioppino. So comedians,

I apologize if the microphone smells like crab. I assure you it wasn't Nicole Tran. Shit, that didn't take a minute. Can I get some time, Red Band? So I'm a good guy and I just adopted a dog, a little five-year-old dog. And, you know, they say that your dog eventually takes on its owner's personality. So I just cut to the fucking chase, and I got a hyper-anxious dog that's sexually active. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I got a hyper-anxious dog that's sexually active and just loves to fuck in front of people. Can I get some time, Redman? The dog can't be left alone?

I adopted a dog that can't be left alone. Okay, you want to finish it? So I adopted the dog that can't be left alone so it has to go to doggy daycare. So on top of the high rent in San Diego, I got to pay $200 more a month. It's fucking ridiculous. You want to finish it?

Zach Ordine, everybody. Oh! Zach, you don't need to yell in the mic. Don't yell too loud. Look at you. You're a goddamn animal. Yeah, I try. You know, if I don't have material,

I might as well have some enthusiasm, right? Hey, something like that. I guess so. First time doing stand-up? Yeah. Yeah, first time. Absolutely. It fucking better be. Thank you. Thank you. Hell yeah. Welcome. Welcome. Now, this is interesting. You

said a lot of stuff. Face the audience. Stop pacing around like a fucking dirty meth head. Pull your pants up. Jesus Christ. Just relax for a second, Zach. Just relax. So let me get this right.

You adopt a dog. So you're saying that you're anxious? Yeah, yeah. And sexually active? Yeah, hypersexual and have high anxiety. What do you mean by hypersexual? What do you mean by that? I enjoy sex.

The dog enjoys sex in front of people, and I also enjoy a lot of sex. Do you have sex in front of people? Sometimes. also enjoy a lot of sex. Do you have sex in front of people? Sometimes. So how long have you been down with the sickness? Oh. So when do you have sex? There it is.

There you go. Full circle there. Never saw that one coming. So when have you had sex in front of people? I wouldn't say. Was this on one of the, which episode of Mythbusters was this? Because I didn't see it. It wasn't, I guess, not technically in front of people, but more of a webcam kind of thing.

That was a previous relationship, though. We don't need to talk about that. No, yeah, let's talk about it. You brought it up, idiot. What are't need to talk about that. You brought it up, idiot. What are we going to talk about? Your future relationships? Are we going to talk about the sad end when it's just you fucking your dog from behind and no one's watching?

So what do you mean? Why don't you want to talk about your past relationship? We need to look into the future. What's the craziest thing you did on that webcam with her? Oh, that's a – oh, yeah. I would say double penetration maybe. You did?

Wow. So you had one of your buddies come over? Oh, no. It was a phallus. It was a dildo, yeah. Oh, you had a dildo double penetration. That's interesting. Which hole did you pick?

Any one that was available. Well, which one did you pick in that video? Both of them? Yeah. Is that a thing where you switch the dildo and the penis into different holes? Like, butt for me, pussy for you, dildo. In some videos, I guess, yeah. All right.

I don't really know about that. Is that something like you have a smaller than average penis? I would say it's average. I don't have the two coat cans like this drummer. I've never seen a big dick guy bring a dildo to the party. You know what I mean? It's not really a thing where it's like, you think this is crazy?

Look at this. Awesome. And Tony's been to a lot of dildo parties, so he knows. I didn't say a dildo party. Oh, you're going to turn on me? Oh, okay. You said you've literally never seen a guy show up to a party.

You said dildo party. That's insinuating that you go to dildo parties. I've never been to a don't you dare. Hashtag dildo party. Oh, don't you dare... Don't you dare. Hashtag dildo party. Oh, don't you dare. Don't you dare. Don't do it. No, don't do it.

No, don't do it. Yes! I don't know what I'll do. Oh, we just got word it's trending worldwide right now. Hashtag dildo party. Is this what joy feels like? Fuck yeah. Am I smiling? Am I doing it right?

How about your butt? Anything ever been up there, Zach? Yeah, as of recently, yeah. We explored that area. What's the craziest thing you've ever put up there? What are we talking about? Oh, my mom's here, so we can't. No, just a finger.

You put your mom up there? Your mom's actually here tonight? Yeah, I took her to Kill Tony Mania. Is that true? Yeah, fuck yeah, it's true. I wanted to see her all this fucking madness that goes on, man. Your mom have a good sense of humor? Oh, absolutely. She's a cool person. How old is she? 62?

63? I might have some questions for her. Is there any chance we could get her up here, you think? Oh, yeah! Let's get Zach Ordean's mother up here right now. The place is bumping. The crowd goes crazy. Look at this. Holy shit.

Look at that. Holy shit. We got steady cam footage of this one. She's high-fiving people. Let her through. Hello. Wait staff. Jesus fucking Christ. What. Holy shit. Let her through. Holy shit. Weight staff. Jesus fucking Christ. Holy shit. What a debacle.

Oh. Wow. Fuck yes. Mama Ordine, absolutely. Welcome to the party. What's your name, sweetheart? My name is Laura. Hell yeah, Laura. I like your fucking

style already. Absolutely. You have the same gloves as Darwin. This is incredible. Darwin, I think we found your mother. Mom, is that you? I'm a musician, too. Wow.

I love this. It's like I'm looking in a mirror. It's true. This is incredible. Those that love you, Dean. Oh, you're tangled up in the sex. Hell yeah, you're a little fucking rock star, Laura. I was going to tell my corny jokes, but my son didn't get any of them, so.

Hell yeah. No, I guarantee you. You want to give me a minute? Yeah. You got a minute ready? I got it. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Laura Ordean. So me and my sister

were driving down River Road the other day and the landscape supply said, bark, $5 a yard. She said, well, that's not fair. Everybody's yard's a different size. You have another one? Yeah. This crowd loves you. You can do anything right now.

Absolutely. So my stupid sister comes over for dinner the other day. And I was cutting up a pimento for the chicken a la king or whatever I was fixing. And she said, is that a pimento? It was sizable. And she said, yeah. She said, well, how big was the olive? Oh my goodness.

You are something else. Don't boo my mom! I just met her! How dare you. Who booed that? Who is this piece of shit at? You think you have a better minute, you motherfucker? No, I'm kidding.

We just keep going. The whole thing never ends. Give my mom another chance! Laura Ordean, it's incredible how much funnier you are than your son. Right. Where do you think he got it from? It's incredible.

Normally, it's a sad situation when a mother has to bury her own son, but here on Kill Tony, it works beautifully. Hell yeah. You are so great at public speaking. It makes sense to me because for the listeners, she looks both like Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders together. I mean, you would win the Democratic ticket in a fucking heartbeat. I guarantee it.

Okay. I'm all for that. I love it. What have you been doing your whole life? Any fun facts about you? Fun facts about me. You retired now? My mother was a hippie here in San Francisco when I was growing up and I remember

seeing Janis Joplin at the Old Family Dog. True story. She parked me in the back of the venue and said, stay here and I'll come back for you. And this is in 67. Wow. My son took me to the Tank of the venue and said, stay here and I'll come back for you. And this is in 67. Wow. My son took me to the Tank of the Bangas concert in

San Diego last year or so. Parked me in the back and said, stay there. I'll be back to get you. How are you the funniest comedian we've had on stage tonight? How is this humanly possible? Getting a partial standing ovation out there, Laura. This is incredible.

My fucking goodness. You're not funny. Don't go up there. No. You're a hater. No. She's kidding. She's kidding. I'm sorry. I've always wanted to kill a brother.

I love sorry. I've always wanted to kill a brother. I love it. His mom way funnier than him. Laura, what did you think about your son admitting on stage that he's had stuff up his butt before? You know, he's a grown man. He's celebrating 40 in a couple days here. And where I am, I've been to those places too. So, you know. Not with him. Not with him!

Not with him! Not with him! Mom, you're embarrassing me! Laura has the distinction of being one of the only comedians that perfectly took a question that I had a set answer for and hit it out of the park. Most people

overthink it and fucking don't go there, but Laura, you're a monster. Jesus Christ. You ever think about becoming a comedian in these later years? And by monster, it means Eileen Warno's from... Oh, come on. How dare you?

Actually, I have thought about it. I mean... The deli work at Safeway is just so rewarding that I can't tear myself away from it. Well, you know what? How about we do something? Let's make a deal right here, right now. Next, we do Kill Tony Mania every year.

How about next year's Kill Tony Mania, you're guaranteed another minute? How about that? You, sir, hit me up on social media. Find me somehow. Figure it out. Hit up the band. Follow up with everybody again and again

until one of us responds. And we'll stay in communication. We'll throw you both on the guest list next year. And she'll do a minute. And you get to watch. You helped your mom. What a twist in this story. What are you doing over there? What's that? What is that

hand signal you're doing? I'm not a comedian. The whole reason I wanted to get up here was to drum off. Wait a second. What? Yeah. The whole reason I wanted to get up here was... How do I feel like your mom's going to end up beating Joel at the end of all this?

It would be an honor. My goodness. I mean, I don't know. You guys want to see a Mexican drama? All right. Here we fucking go. This is a fucking Kill Tony mania from hell right here. Everything's happening.

How about one more time for the great? You stay up here. Stay up here. You stay up here. Stay up here. You stay up here. I want you to see your son get slaughtered up here right now. Now, let me ask you a question. There's a microphone right next to that stool there, Zach. How long have you been playing drums for?

I started playing when I was 12. Wow. Mom says two. That's basically 38 years. You're about to be 40. She let that fucking cat out the bag. So basically 38 years of experience. And you watch the show a lot.

You know how it works, right? Occasionally, yeah. So it's about overall drum solo performance. It's about comedic performance. It's about the energy that you put out. You can feel free to do anything you want. Use the stage. Anything you feel creatively

to have an edge in your drum solo, feel free to go for it. Now, I must warn you, Zach, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez is undefeated all time in Mexican drum-offs. However, if somehow you win, you will become the new drummer on

Kill Tony. You'll have to move to Los Angeles. You'll be at the Comedy Store every single Monday live streaming on YouTube at 8pm. And you're going to go to Australia with us later this week. I hope you don't have any plans. Don't try to sneak anything up your butt if you win.

You're going to have to make new calendars? Oh, he's talking about, of course, the band's new big gay calendar available for sale after the show. Joel, if you're listening up there, please beat this guy. I don't want him in the band. Heck, yeah. They already have 2,000 unsold calendars with their own faces on it. So they'll be selling those and signing those after the show. They already have 2,000 unsold calendars with their own faces on it. They'll be selling those and signing those after the show, everybody.

But here we go. This is very interesting. So you ready for the challenge? 38 years of experience. This might be one of the toughest competitors he's ever had. Put your hands together. This is a Mexican drum- Op for Zack Ordee. Oh, wow, wow, wow. Zach Gordine.

Very good. He threw his shirt into the audience right before he started. Somebody threw it back like it was a home run ball from the other team. Put that shit back on. That was pretty stiff competition, Zach. How do you feel that went for you? You feel good about it? I could have practiced a little bit better, but yeah, that was pretty stiff competition, Zach. How do you feel that went for you? You feel good about it? I could have practiced a little bit better, but yeah, that was pretty good.

Next year. Hey, well, no. Your mom might have a chance next year, but you're not going to be on next year. All right. So, ladies and gentlemen, this is the moment you've been waiting for. Undefeated all time. He takes this very, very seriously. Let it be known that what we say is true.

You decide this, everyone. I see people sometimes like, oh, you guys always, you know, I think Joel lost that one. I see these dumb things on Twitter sometimes. But it's the audience that decides. It's always heavily in his favor. So let's see what happens here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, defending his throne, undefeated all time,

for you here live at Kill Tony Mania, the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. He pulled a dildo out with tongs. He's eating a salad. He's wearing all these suspenders and very creepy underwear. This is unbelievable. He took the dildo out with tongs and started shoving it up Zach Orneen's butt. This is mind-boggling right now what we're seeing.

He is in the zone. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one and only, undefeated all-time, Joel Berg-Joel Jimenez. Wow. Wow! Holy shit! Yeah! There it is, the middle finger.

Oh, he tried to shove it up his butt. Wow! Wow! Woo-wee! Wow! Woo-wee! Wow. Unbelievable. He just kissed it! He kissed his mother!

He kissed his mother. He kissed his mother. Standing ovation. The whole place is on their feet. He's putting his foot behind his head on the stool. And a car wheel. And he's spinning around. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The entire room is on their feet.

That might have been the best one ever, man. Relentless Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. The crowd is in chaos right now. Boo this man! Boo! Looks like he just took a fucking DP to the ass, loser! Wow!

He's hitting it with a dildo. Oh my god! Oh my god! He's got the dildo in his mouth. Get the fuck off my stage. Your mom can stay. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my God.

He just threw the dildo at him. He just kissed my mom and had the whole crowd boo this guy. We just witnessed an absolute slaughtering up here. Leave it to Joel Berg to say... No, no, no, no, no. Get the fuck out of here. I mean, wow. Just based on the history and rules of the show,

I'm still going to ask the question. How many of you have Zach or Dean winning that Mexican drama? of you have Zach or Dean winning that Mexican drama? How many of you have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez winning that Mexican drama? Oh my God!

Oh my God, he's having sex with a table, he just did The Worm, he's hanging out with his new girlfriend, Laura Ordean. Yeah, let me get those digits. I don't know who gave Joel steroids before the show, but we appreciate it. He's taking selfies. Oh my god. I'm sending it to your son later.

Oh my god. He is unstoppable right now. He's eating salad with tongs. Eat your fucking greens, kids. Jolberg is for the children. He's writing new slogans. Oh my god. Wow.

My mind is completely blown. Laura, step back up to this microphone one more time. So we know we're gonna see, yeah, the mic stands on it. You got that. One question for you before I let you go.

What do you think about your new boyfriend's performance here? I thought he rocked, but not as good as my son, but I let you go. What do you think about your new boyfriend's performance here? I thought he rocked. Not as good as my son, but I'm also biased. It's over! I love all my children equally. Heck yeah. Well, you're about to make one with Joel Berg tonight.

So there you go. How about one more time for Laura Ordean, everybody? You can catch her next year doing a guaranteed minute live right here on Kill Tony. Unbelievable. Unbelievable Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.

I mean, I have just never, I've never been more impressed with your fucking skills and talent. That was one of the greatest Mexican drum offs I've ever seen. It's definitely the greatest Mexican drum off I've ever seen in my life.

I've never experienced that much excitement before. I'm telling you, it's crazy. Maybe at a black church. Yeah. God damn, I thought he had the Holy Ghost. I mean, you know, I remember... I remember... I remember when I first saw Joel on this show,

and it was just such a perfect fit. And, you know, I take great pride in, you know, betting on, you know, betting on winners. And that's why I go to my bookie. It's fast, it's easy, and they pay when you win. Let's face it. Where you're betting is just as important as who you're betting on. I wouldn't be telling you guys to bet with them if they weren't the absolute best.

Do the smart thing. If you're going to bet this football season, bet with my bookie. Did you know you could bet on games after the kickoff? If by the second half it looks like your bet is going to lose, you can always just take the other side. If you're the kind of guy that likes to bet is going to lose, you can always just take the other side. If you're the kind of guy that likes to bet a little and win a lot, try Parley. If all your picks come through, you'll multiply your winnings. And no matter how you bet, the NFL season is the best time of the year.

Absolutely. A lot of fun things to bet on, especially also with the UFC this time of the year. A lot of fun fights coming up there. Diaz, Masvidal, join now and my bookie will double your first deposit. also with the UFC this time of the year. A lot of fun fights coming up there. Diaz, Masvidal. Join now and MyBookie will double your first deposit. Use promo code Tony to activate the offer. That's promo code Tony.

Visit MyBookie.ag today. Again, that's MyBookie.ag today. You play, you win, you get paid. Hell yeah. This show is selling out! I love it. I love it. I love it.

So, yep. Ladies and gentlemen, what do you guys say? Another special treat here, huh? Let's do it. This young man was, in the history of the the show the youngest ever golden ticket recipient. He won it on his 20th birthday. Two days later, he cashed in on his 21st birthday, the day after his 21st birthday, at the Comedy Store in Hollywood. This is a guy that takes advantage of his golden ticket, uses it often.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new minute from the great Tristan Bowling, everybody. Here we go. Here he is. Hey! What's up, Kill Tony Mania? Woo! God damn. I'm 21.

I still live at my parents' house, which just rakes in the pussy. You know what I mean? Nothing brings home a girl like, you might gotta meet Shannon. She'll make you an omelet, but ask a lot of questions in the morning. It's not good, dude.

My mom's not a good hype man. I wish she was. More than anything, I wish my mom would just knock on my door when I got a girl over. She's like, yo, lasagnas for dinner. Crush that pussy for me. Just like crip walks downstairs and shit like that it'd be fun that'd be the best mom in the world like if she I was fucking a girl upstairs and she was downstairs she just had a foam finger you know what I mean and just ruined me on just like

fuck yeah bro fuck yeah yeah the man inside you was once the boy inside me. What's up? What's up, bitch? What's up? Huh? Yo, when he sucked on my titties, it meant something. How about that? Thank you.

Wow. Look at that, man. This is fucking Monsters Incorporated here tonight. Tristan Bowling, an absolute young assassin. Definitely on your, I mean, like, being that funny at your age is sort of frightening. Does it seem overwhelming ever sometimes? Nah, not really. I did try to kill myself, so sometimes.

Is that hard for you to talk about? Is that something you're... Nah, it's fun. It doesn't matter. So how long ago did that happen? It was a couple months ago? Yeah, like a month and a half, yeah. Wow. And what happened there?

I was just all like, do you know how when you're like, I want to live, and then that stops? Yeah. Were you on medicine for it? Yes, every day. Did they put you on medicine for that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you a few weeks into your medicine? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

I was just like, yo, I'm freaking out really bad. And then another bad thing happened, and I was like, yeah, this is a good time to go. I wasn't in the right mind. I'm here. Shut up. Right. Yeah. So how did you try?

I tried to drive my car off a bridge, which knowing Arizona, that's hard. Not many. Wow. Such a rookie move. I know. Did you do it? You drove a car off a bridge? No, I didn't. I know. Did you do it? You drove a car off a bridge? No, I didn't.

I'm here. What do you mean? Well, I mean, you could have survived. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. You're dressed like a stuntman, so I don't know. That is true. Don't I look like the Make-A-Wish kid for the Blue Jays?

You know what I mean? No. Which one is the flying guys? Blue Angels. Yeah, pooping. I'm from I mean? No, which one is the flying guys? Blue Angels. Ah, pooping. I'm from Phoenix. Did you try a different way? No, I tried to take a bunch of pills. And then my dad was like, SWAT.

And then I was like, eh, that works, I guess. And then I just was all freaking out. And then my dad took me to the ER. And then I went to the psych ward, which I didn't go to a psych ward. I went to a rehabilitation and processing ward for prisoners, which was... Imagine my dumb ass. The things that led to this.

What are we... Is it heartbreak? Yeah, heartbreak. Relationship? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a big goof on your boy. I big goofed. I was...

You got beat in Fortnite. Nah. You were mad about the black hole thing. They took my skins. That's so funny. Nah, nah. I just did a bad decision one night and it all blew up in my face in a rather public manner.

Your dad's a video game developer, right? Yeah. Was it because you thought you had more lives left? That's so funny. I want to test that shit out. Let me tell you something man You're 21 years old And I'm sure you know this And I'm sure you were just going through a rough patch But you know don't let any

Fucking woman Especially fucking Break your heart to the point To where you'd want to hurt yourself These people all need laughter And and we need people like you, the next generation of comedians coming up. Thank you. Yes!

Just remember how, yes. Yeah! So keep taking care of yourself. We love you. Remind me, I don't have it written down here, remind me of your Instagram and Twitter and everything. Tristan is a comedian, Instagram. I don't go on Twitter.

Beautiful. Tristan is a comedian on Instagram. Anything don't go on Twitter. Beautiful. Tristan is a comedian on Instagram. Anything else you want to plug or promote or anything? I might be putting out a new song soon. If you follow me on Instagram, I have a SoundCloud link to my first one. Yeah, I'm going to do a cover of my favorite Eminem song, My Name.

I love it. You want? You guys want to see him rap? Alright, fine. There's a little acapella. You want to go acapella or you have a background thing? Do you want to hear me do some... Let's go a little

150, like slow. Oh shit. Here's Tristan Bowling. Tristan Bowling is a comedian on Instagram. Let's see if this is fun. Let's have fun. Alright. Icy motherfuckers and Tristan Bowling is a comedian on Instagram. Okay. Let's see if this is fun. Let's have fun. All right. All right. I see motherfuckers crystal clear. I am clarity.

All these comics when I step on stage are fucking scared of me. New faces can't keep pace. They're going downhill like a pair of skis. Got me, my turn, or with the burner squawking in the parakeet. Can't see all of these bitches. They fuck it with tea,

and I pull up a bitch, and I'm not on her feet, and I'm sucking the D like it's twisty tree Plays in the streets like I'm Krispy Kreme Plays to the beat like I'm based in my meat Double clutter the covers on my under the sheets And I'm rolling and blotting, I'm up in the steam And I'm high as the fuck as you fuck gasoline

And I play with the butt like I play stage 3 Cool as the fuck and I'll cover it in green Rocking the girlfriend, bitch, I am over it Kill motherfuckers, I mean it Ay, nobody can groan in, ay, ya Already green, ay, ya When the boy go up, these bitches, they throw up And go real, blow the scene Hardest song, ay-yah. When the boy go up, these bitches, they throw up and go real close.

The scene, hardest song, the softest beat. Baby boy up in the street. Killing comedy, anomaly. You know I'm bringing heat. Come up from the west side. Strapped in for the best ride. Standing for the grassy bitches acting like the best of sides. I mean, holy fucking shit.

What a goddamn little bundle of talent you are, dude. Thank you. I mean, my fucking goodness. Yes, Darwin. Has anybody ever told you you look like Stephen Hawking if he could walk? Wow. They call me Stephen Walking, bro. Hey, look at that

You know what, Tristan Why don't you come join panel with us for the remainder of the show One more time for the great William Montgomery, everybody Fuck yeah Tristan joining the panel How exciting

What do you guys think? Back to the bucket? We got a lot of momentum. I almost feel bad for whoever gets pulled next. Somebody's first time doing stand-up or some shit after following this fucking... I mean, Jesus. Laura Ordean, my new favorite comedian in the world, still just sitting out there. God. All right, put your hands together for your next comic,

Scott Nevada. Scott Nevada. Let's see what happens here. Here he comes. It's Scott Nevada. One more time for Scott, Nevada. One more time for Scott, everybody. Damn, I gotta go on after that.

Gotta move the mic stand. So I'm from here, from San Francisco. From San Francisco, not Antioch. I'm from here. I'm from Bernal Heights. One thing that's different here, downtown, y'all was walking down the street,

seeing this lady. She was bent over. She was touching her toes. She had these yoga pants on. Turns out she was just in a deep heroin nod. I felt cheated about that. My girlfriend cheated on me one time with a guy who had no arms.

He had hands, he just didn't have arms. She told me she felt bad that he never touched his dick. And he never will. She was really nice. I, uh... I wasn't allowed to be in the... There, all right.

Do you want to finish that one? Do you want to do your closer? Go ahead, Scott Nevada, come on. I wasn't allowed to be in the Boy Scouts when I was a kid, but my dad did teach me how to tie a noose. Be prepared, right? There you go, Scott Nevada. All right.

I'm going to do some fact checking here. First of all, how long have you been doing stand-up? First time. Hey! First time, long time. First time, long time. Hell yeah. Welcome, welcome, Scott.

Hey, I'm a big fan. This is super weird. Thank you. I love it. Well, you're in the middle of it. This guy. You're so funny. Shush. Let's fuck later. Fuck yeah. I love it. Well, you're in the middle of it. This guy. You're so funny. I like...

Shush. Let's fuck later. Fuck yeah. Me and my wife and this guy. Hell yeah. You have a wife? Where's your wife at? You have a hot wife?

I feel like you have a hot wife. Where is she? I bet. You seem like the kind of guy that would have an unbelievably hot wife. Really? Like way out of your league. Thanks, Tony. I appreciate that.

You're way out of your league type of hot. For sure she is, yeah. Yeah. We're fucking. Yeah, let's talk to Darwin first. Can I just say I like the noose joke, but everything else needs work. I appreciate that. So let's, yeah, I have some fact checking that I want to do here, Scott.

Go for it. So is that true about your girlfriend cheated with you? Yeah, the guy with no arms. But he had hands? He had hands attached to his shoulders. Get the fuck out of here. Like a dolphin? I saw him one time

walking down the street and she goes, hey, you see that guy? I go, yeah. She goes, I fuck him sometimes. And you said I gotta hand it to you.

Oh my God. That's a good one. That's crazy. You must have hooked up with some real fucking freaks in your day, yeah she was crazy Wow she fucked a guy that had no arms She was super nice though

She must not be into like She really felt bad that he'd never touch his dick Wow Ladies Alright Okay Scott stick with me Heck yeah And the noose joke that's because you're saying that your dad hung himself?

No. I just one day came up to him and I was like, hey, Dad, do you know how to tie a noose? And he said he did. And he showed me. I'll tie a noose right now. I wish I had a dad like that. Super easy. I love it.

David, what do you think about this guy? What do you think when you look at a guy like this? He looks like Hanson growing up. Dude, this is rad. This is rad. What else? What else? What do I look like?

You're spot on. You guys are always spot on. What do I look like? I don't know. Vigo from Ghostbusters 2 in the painting? No. Don't try to do what I do, young man. I'm nervous.

It's your first time, bro. Dude, I watch every episode. I shouldn't do that. You look like'm nervous. It's your first time, Brad. Dude, I watch every episode. I shouldn't do that. You look like a SoundCloud rapper's dad. You look like the Olsen twin without the eating disorder. Hell yeah. Thanks, guys. This is fucking awesome.

Yeah, you look like my old science teacher, Mrs. Buzga. There you go. Did he say what he did? I feel like you said two things or some shit. I shoot porn. What? Do you really?

I shoot porn. I shoot a lot of porn. Are you serious? That's what you do for a living? I sure do. Wow. Do you specialize in any type of porn? Like the kinkiest fetish stuff, bondage, BDSM.

What's something that you've shot in which even you're like, oh, wow, this is fucking intense. What are we talking about here? Kink.com. Kink.com. Yeah. That's the fetish specialist over here. Brian, dude, man, I had this whole joke about squirting. Stick with the question I just asked you. What was the question?

The craziest thing you've seen, the most intense thing that you've ever shot as a porn director. Probably like a seven on seven. Jesus, what is this, a basketball game? No, I used to shoot. Was it blacked.com? I used to shoot for a wrestling site.

It was girl on girl wrestling, sex wrestling. What the fuck is sex wrestling? It sounds like it'd be my favorite thing of all time. You would like it. Yeah, so it's like tournament style. So at the end, there would be like six on six. And whoever won, they'd all put on strap-ons. And fuck the other six.

What? So then I'm on the mat, and I'm broadcasting to the world live with my video camera this six on six girl orgy from the fourth round. Wait, you live stream it? We used to. Oh my goodness. What happened?

The feed goes down for five minutes every episode? No, no. That's just not my job anymore. That was my job. I've shot a lot of porn, a lot of sites. That was one of them. Heck yeah. What I don't get is like, how do you decide

a winner? That's a good point. Who wins and how do they do it? Tristan's looking at the actual logistics of this. He's like, how do I get the W? For wrestling fans, it's like three rounds of jujitsu style wrestling and then whoever points based

has the most points has to fuck the winner in the fourth round. Do they all have wrestler themed characters? And then whoever has the most points has to fuck the winner in the fourth round. Wow. So do they all have wrestler-themed characters? Is it like Stone Cuck Steve Austin? Or what are we talking about here? Yeah. I mean, yeah.

They give them cute names. It's all like these performers from L.A. and stuff. They just give them cute names for the site. No, I believe him. Why the fuck would you lie about that? Because he's holding his head down. Oh, wow. I'm not lying. He doesn't have confidence.

I've been shooting porn for like seven years. I just had my seven year anniversary at kink.com. Thank you. Oh my god. I've been shooting a lot of porn.

You actually named the website that he works for just by looking at it. Well, I know the location. Brian knows who you are because he looks at the weird reflections in people's eyeballs

and stuff during the pornos. He's like, ah, look at that guy. That guy looks like an older, grown-up version of Hanson. I'm just nervous. I'm just nervous. I've been on stage a million times, but usually I hide behind my back. What do you mean you've been on stage a million times? I play in a rock band called Flex Bronco.

Oh. Nobody's heard of it because nobody's from here. What do you do in the band Flex Bronco? I play guitar. Oh, wow. Yeah, I play in a band nobody's heard of. What do you do in the band Flex Bronco? I play guitar. Oh, wow. Yeah, I play in a band nobody's heard of either. I know.

I've heard of you. I'm a big fan. My goodness. How long have you been in this band? For like 13 years. 13 years. Do you ever sing in it? No. They don't allow me to sing. They don't allow me to even talk in the mic because I'll never say anything funny. It's a rule in my band. Wow. I don't allow me to sing. They don't allow me to even talk in the mic because I'll never say anything funny. It's a rule in my band.

Wow. I don't speak. You must suck, dude. I suck, dude. Who'd have thought squints from the Sandlot would have grown up to have no confidence? That's right. Thank you.

Thank you. He looks more like Wendy Peppercorn to me. Wendy Peppercorn. I like your style, pal. I like you, man. Yeah, congratulations. Your first time ever on stage. Very fun stuff.

Scott, Nevada, everybody. Scott motherfucking Nevada. We're running low on time, and the next show's scheduled to start at 9.45, which is 25 minutes from now, with the room needing to be emptied and reset again. But you guys think we should go to the bucket one more time, huh? Real quick.

We got to do it quick. All right, here we go. Back to the bucket we go. And your final comedian of the night here at this amazing, I loved this episode of Kill Tony goes by the name of Artie Valenzuela. Artie Valenzuela

will be your final comedian. Here we go. Let's see what happens here. Hell yeah. By the way, we're going to be doing a little meet and greet after this show. But if you're coming to keep playing, guys, it's all good. But if you're coming to both shows, go to the meet and greet for the second show. That's very important so that we can turn the room as fast as possible.

One more time for Artie Valenzuela, everybody. Thank you. How's it going? I've been with my fiancee 12 years. I'm getting married next year, guys. Thank you, thank you. I don't know about any other long relationships that are out here,

but I almost feel like I could talk to my lady without even saying a word, like telepathically. Does anybody else get that? I'll give you guys a scenario. There was this one time I was at a community pool. So obviously there's this horrible kids around me, right? And there was this kid probably between me and you, I'm looking at you, just fucking stay with me, okay? And he was eyeing me, right? And already I'm irritated because he had his goggles on above the water. Like take the fucking goggles off, kid, you're in the regular world, right? But he's staring at me and I'm not because he had his goggles on above the water. Like, take the fucking goggles off, kid. You're in the regular world, right?

But he's staring at me, and I'm not looking away because I'm not losing that way. You know what I'm saying? So he's looking at me, and he's like... Are you a midget? Now, fuck you guys, because you're supposed to feel sorry for me. Now, here's the thing.

The story doesn't end there. May I? Thank you. The story doesn't end there, right? So I'm looking at him, and I say, excuse me, which is adult code for what the fuck did you just say? And I looked over at my fiance, and I was like, how many years would I get for killing a nine-year-old kid?

I got 20 more seconds. Can I do it? Fuck it. It's so long It's so long How does it end? What the fuck happens? You know, the big punch is

That he says it again And then I say I want to adopt a nine-year-old kid To come fuck this kid up Okie dokie I already valentuelo I tried, thanks First time doing stand up?

Fuck no but thanks though Okie dokie I just started in March Oh ok well that's good enough You're the funniest Down Syndrome comedian We've ever had on this show For sure One of the top four at least

I've never met a gopher that speaks so well. He put on his good shoes today. Jury duty outfit. What brand are those shoes? Groundhog? You don't want to do any weed eating with those shoes on. Nah, nah, nah. What do you do for work, Artie?

I work for the state. State of California. Workers' Compensation. Fucking narc you are. Yeah, nah. What do you do for work, Artie? I work for the state. State of California. Oh, boy. Workers' Compensation. Fucking narc you are. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. What do you do for fun?

For fun? This shit. Other than this. For fun, probably not ride roller coasters. You are a... Nah, I do sports shit. I like fantasy football. You are a cute little fucker though.

I've never seen a guy look more like a fucking Mexican Pikachu before. I choose you. You look like some shit I can win at the fair. In a claw machine. Darwin. Yeah, you said you play sports and I think everybody would be curious what sports you play.

Heck, yeah. I'm guessing something. I played baseball for 12 years. Baseball? You were a catcher, right? I was, yeah. Damn right. Only fucking position you can play.

Either you're a catcher or you're a backstop. That is it. Yeah. Wow. My goodness. For 12 years, huh? Yeah, I did. Did you end up playing on a higher level than high school?

No, it started at seven, and then I busted my knees in high school. By the looks of things, you probably went to low school, not high school. You busted your knees, huh? Yeah. Did you have a good gun on you? Were you able to throw people out? Honestly, it was about 60 pounds a go. I was really fast so that was my catch i was catching it was fast and i was on oh yeah yeah that's incredible right yeah so you've gained weight

since then oh a lot for sure how did that happen what'd you do you uh the initial part was i went to school in hawaii my first year of college so i fucking ate it up out there, dude. What'd you do in Hawaii? Were you the bottom part of a totem pole? Red band! Look at that. I wrote that. Every once in a while, red band drops fucking roast gold, man. He's got it.

Lilo and Stitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it, Artie. We're running short on time, and you're running short, period. So, we're to fly through and finish the episode. How about one more time for Artie Valenzuela, everybody? He's on Instagram at Artie Valenzuela. So, yeah, that's the main frame of the show.

But before we end things, you know, I just had so much fun here. Why don't we do one more super fucking special thing? I don't know. I don't know how closely you guys follow this show, but a few weeks ago we were in Dallas, Texas, and something very controversial happened. something very controversial happened. There was the return of a young man who was lucky to get pulled out of the bucket a couple times that we absolutely love, and we had him on as a special treat, of course.

He is a kung fu world-class athlete, and during this episode in Dallas a few weeks ago, he tried to kick an empty water bottle off of Jeremiah's head. And Jeremiah ended up getting kicked in the head at full force. It went pretty, I guess, semi-viral on the internet along with the hashtag dildo party. But believe it or not, all the way from Texas, here tonight to do something special for us, make some noise for the return of Colt. Oh, shit.

How many of you want to see this guy kick some fucking wood, huh? He is a world-class kung fu. He competes on the highest levels, even though the day he kicked Jeremiah in his head, the reason was because he was wearing skinny jeans. Tonight, he's wearing actual sweatpants, and what better way

to end the show? Oh, my God. Are you sure you can get that? It's pretty high. He's going to kick both of them in the head. Like that? It's pretty high. He's gonna kick both of them in the head. Like that? Hell yeah. This is very exciting stuff. There's no better way to end an unbelievable episode than with this shit.

Showing you how to do it. Make sure you do. I want you guys to be safe. Heck yeah. Use the palm of your hand, not your fingers. Oh my god. This is getting... This is... Are you guys excited about this or what? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Kill Tony Colt live at Kill Tony Mania.

Oh! Oh! Oh! This is incredible. This fucking guy has that whippersnapper power. He's one of the strongest young Trump supporters we've ever seen in our lives. Not many Trump supporters break wood with their feet. Normally they do it with a gun or a chainsaw.

But this is very exciting. Every time... Oh my goodness. What is happening? Oh boy, he's going to his arch nemesis, Jeremiah Watkins here. Oh my god, wait a second, is that going to fly into the audience? Everybody near that, okay, all right, welcome to Sue Tony, everybody. He's saying just dangle it or something like that? This is frightening. Let's see what happens here.

Oh, my goodness. Stay there, Jeremiah. Don't move. Here we go. Here goes Colt. Oh! Holy fucking shit! Wow.

This is unbelievable. There's still a piece of wood left. What are we gonna do with it? What's next? He's gonna shove it up my head. Oh, wow. Oh, my goodness. Jeremiah is taking off a shoe and a sock, exposing

the heel of his foot. You have got to be fucking kidding me. Kill Tony icon Jeremiah Watkins stretching it out. I believe, I do believe this is his first time ever

trying to break a piece of wood. Yes, he's telling us yes. It is indeed his first time trying to kick through a piece of wood. Colt's showing him the way. And here we fucking go. His first attempt ever at kicking wood. Jeremiah Watkins.

Oh, my fucking God. Wow. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Wow shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Wow! The crowd goes wild. And that is episode one of tonight's Kill Tony Mania double feature.

His hair by his holding his sore foot. Hey everybody, we did it. Look at this drawing from Ryan J. Ebel That he drew while you all sat there Absolutely incredible How about one more time For the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins Everybody Jeremiah's headlining

Huntington Beach, California November 16th St. Louis November 29th and 30th San Diego December 6th And Kansas City December 19th to the 21st. Tickets at jeremiahwalkins.com. Listen to Jeremiah Wonders, the amazing podcast. Chicago just added as well, the beginning of January.

Whoa, he's going to Chicago the beginning of January. How fucking awesome is that? How about one more time for Kill Tony Kung Fu Legend Colt, everybody? What a way to bring this show to a fucking hot end. Hell yeah. How about one more time for Silent But Deadly, the great Chroma Chris, everyone.

And come on, you guys know what to do here. It's the great and powerful Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, huh? I mean, wow. He got the full-blown standing ovation tonight. The greatest Mexican drum often killed Tony history. Joel's on social media, mostly sorry. Joel, you had a little shout-out you wanted to give?

Yeah, I want to say what's up to Ian and Alan from Ten Planet San Mateo. Yeah, Ten Planet Jiu-Jitsu. Yeah, if you need a scroll goal there and you live in the area, it's a great spot. One more time for William Montgomery, Nicole Tran, Tristan Bowling, and the great David Lucas. Such an unbelievable episode. So much fun. Remember, if you're coming to both shows, don't go to this meet and greet. Get your ass outside as fast as you can, and they'll get you back in.

You want to get in line anyway to have a good seat for the next show. But if this is the only show you're coming to, then you're the only people that should be waiting in line. Quick pictures. We've got to fly through it fast. We'll sign posters. There's the Big Gay Calendar with the band for sale. There's Kill Tony pins. There's Death Squad shirts. The brand new Kill Tony shirt.

And Tony Hinchcliffe pins as well. I'll draw a mustache on them if you get them. Ladies and gentlemen, we love you. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. The great Brian Red Band. Good night.me me Outro Music