KILL TONY - KILL TONY #405

Episode Date: October 23, 2019

KILL TONY MANIA, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 10/19/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack, only at Kudo. Conditions apply. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.TV. There you have every episode of Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. We are this week going to be in Australia, October 25th, Brisbane, October 26th, Melbourne, October 27th, Sydney.

And then November 7th, we are in Washington, D.C. We added a second show because the first show sold out. So check us out in Washington, D.C., November 7th. December 12th, we're going to be in our hometown, Columbus, Ohio, at the Newport Music Hall. December 14th, we're going to be in Pittsburgh. December 15th, in Cleveland. So go to Death Squad and click on tour dates for all the up to date information and ticket links

Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website TonyHinchcliffe.com there he has his stand up shows and a bunch of merch check out TonyHinchcliffe.com Ryan J. Ebelt he's the house artist he has a brand new Kill Tony book shipping now so go to RyanJEbelt.com

and last but not least ShopSquad.tv there you have brand new Kill Tony book shipping now. So go to ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. There you have the official Kill Tony shirts that just went on sale, and they're almost sold out, so if you haven't got one, give it now. We also have Death Squad hats and shirts, brand new. Check it out, shopsquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Tony, Tony, please don't cry. I grow up some days you see saving all my kisses just for you say true Tony is the guy who lives next door

I guess I known him ten years or more Tony wrote to me a note one day and this is here what he has to say.

Johnny, Johnny, please don't cry. You forget me by and by. You just 15, I am 22. just 15 I am 22 Johnny, Johnny Tony cannot wait for you

I soon I did I left my town Got me a job And tried to settle down But these words Keep haunting my memories The words thatny said to me tony tony wait for me i grow up someday you see saving all my kids for you

Saving all my kisses for you Say we'd love forever true I bagged my clothes and I caught a plane. I had to go see Johnny when I had to explain that my heart is filled with her memory and asked if Johnny wants to marry me. I ran all the way to the house next door but things wasn't like they would be before. And Johnny said that I will dance. It's been five years since Tony's gone.

I've been married to your best friend. And his name is the Red Band. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Kill Tony Mania 2 for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get up and Tony Hatchclap. San Francisco, this is it. Let's fucking go. Wow. The great Red Band is here, everybody. How about another hand for the amazing Nicole Tran getting us started out there. And look at that. It's house artist Ryan J. Ebelts, everybody.

We are in it to win it. This is so exciting. The final show of Kill Tony Mania before we head out to Australia this week, Brisbane on Friday, Melbourne Saturday, and Sydney Saturday. D.C. the first week of November, and then in December we go to Columbus, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, and Calgary,

Canada in January. So exciting to be here. You guys ready for this? It's the final show of Kill Tony Mania this weekend. A lot of fun we have had. We expect to close it, believe it or not, with a bang. This is very exciting stuff. You can bet on us pushing it to the limit here on this episode. And I always bet on winners.

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this NFL season is the best time of year. Absolutely. Big UFC around the corner as well. Coming up with Stockton, California's own Nate Diaz. Coming up against Jorge Masvidal. You know, a fun fact.

The first guy I ever bet on was Nate Diaz. The first time I ever bet on one of the fights that I've gotten lucky enough to go to. And I bet on him against Conor McGregor in fight one. And, yeah, made a bunch of fucking money. Anyway, join now and MyBookie will double your first deposit. That's an incredible deal. Use promo code Tony to activate the offer. That's promo code Tony.

Visit MyBookie.ag today. Again, that's MyBookie.ag today. You play, you win, you get paid. You guys ready to start this puppy pie or what? This is it. This is exciting stuff. Kill Tony Mania is a very special event where we have special treats that maybe some people that you know from the show's history

mixed in with your usual Kill Tony bucket pools. This is the actual bucket of destiny all the way from LA. And some of the people, some of the special treats that come on this show rotate on to panel as well, so you get to see more of some of your favorite past Kill Tony characters as they join panel for the rare

occasions that they get to. And let's fucking do it, shall we? There's a band on this show. Do you guys know that? Every single episode of the show, they commit to being different characters. Sometimes it's the return of some of their hit characters. Like this last episode, we had the emo characters earlier this evening. Last night, we saw the, what was it? The fucking, yeah, we saw the Golden Girls.

Oh, you guys were here for that episode? Oh, shit. I don't even remember that episode. Deep apologies on the entire first ever apology episode. Deep apologies, but we're going to make up for it tonight. What were they the first one, though? Cat Burglars.

That's right. And sometimes it's a brand new character. This is the fourth show of Kill Tony Mania, and they are a pretty smart crew, so I'm really excited to see what characters they're going to be for this episode. They're some of my funniest friends on the planet, and they're also the best damn band in the land.

Make some noise for the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Walkins, Chroma Chris, and Joel Homenes. Gold digigger. Wait a second. What? What? What? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What? Are you fucking kidding me? Gold Dgers? This is the first time we've ever seen gold. We're the original San Francisco 49ers. Oh my God, I did not make that connection at all. I only would have guessed that if you came out in the local football jerseys.

Wow, 49ers. That's adorable. This is the first time you guys have ever been on this show, that's for sure. Bartholomew Jenkins, nice to meet you. Bartholomew Jenkins. All right, that's easy to remember, so I'm going to write it down. And what's that? Your brother's sitting next to you there? Who's that young whippersnapper?

My name's Petey Waterfalls. I'm just looking for gold to save my marriage. Wow. You use a lot of oxygen when you talk. You, like, exhale a lot while you're talking. You, like, say a lot of extra Did you notice that? I never have, I'm down in the caves by myself Tony

Oh wow And then clearly back here we have I mean Bartholomew Wow, I mean what is this? Woody from Toy Story's Mexican grandfather? This is the world's worst mall Santa I've ever seen. That's what this is.

Santa Anta. My name's Jimmy Bobcat there, and I eat rocks. Wait a second. Wait a second. Jimmy Bobcat. Why do you eat rocks. Wait a second. Wait a second. Jimmy Bobcat. Why do you eat rocks? I'm hungry. Okie dokie. Oh, wow.

Some of us spend too long in the caves looking for gold. Is it safe to be down in caves wearing what appears to be complete women's overalls, Bartholomew Jenkins? Those are definitely, are those your wives? No, you see, the clothing starts to shrink after a long time mining. I'm so excited about this wait that's how you always walk my back is gone now what are you doing

you don't need to come that far over stay over there you're making it much harder oh my god no oh my god we already had a bucket spill this weekend we don't need another one get over there Bartholomew well here we go Oh, no. Oh, my God. We already had a bucket spill this weekend. We don't need another one.

Get over there, Bartholomew. Well, here we go. All right, so we have 49ers. We got Red Band and the Soundboard, which brings me to this bad boy. It's the Bucket of Destiny, everybody, the heart and soul of the show. You guys know how it works.

We get to see someone do stand-up comedy. Maybe it's their first time. Maybe it's their couple years in. Maybe they're just doing it because they lost a bet. Who knows? You get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry Castro District Bear.

There you go. So much louder than the cat. It's crazy. And yeah. And then we interview you for a bit, find out more about you, what the hell is more interesting than the 60 seconds that you came up with, with all of your life

to prepare for this. We end up being funnier than you immediately about your own life. It's sort of the secret sauce to the show, and now that I've exposed it, anyway. So here we go. This is Kill Tony Mania. You guys ready to start this motherfucker?

I'm sorry to stop you, but we've been here all weekend long. This is the final show, and we've heard louder than that so far this weekend. So are you guys ready to start the show? There you go. Then let's start the fucking show. We're going to go to the bucket to get it kicked off.

See what happens here. Your first comedian going up tonight goes by the name of Jay Yoder. Jay Yoder, and the show has begun. The stairway's here. The only way to get up here is this way and this way only. No matter where you're sitting, you have to go around and up those stairs. J Yoder is your first comedian. It's going to be a meet and greet after the show.

You could buy the new Ryan J E-Belt Kill Tony Mania posters. We'll sign them for you. We'll take pictures with you after the show. Here he is, J Yoder, everybody. Guys, it's your first comedy of the night. Not an easy spot. How about one more time for Jay, everyone? Hello, hello.

I don't know if you can tell, but through my shirt I have a pair of man boobs. They're about a B cup, I'd say. It's interesting because I date girls with small boobs because I like to be dominant in the relationship. Funny thing was a couple days ago I was having sex with my girlfriend and she started to crest my man boobs and she liked it and I thought I turned her into a lesbian and I was very confused. Then we started anal play for the first time.

She stuck a finger up my butt. And I came really quick. Really quick. Surprisingly quick. Not like that's anything different, but... My friends say I'm probably into men. I like to think I'm into women with long fingers. We'll see.

Love you, honey. It's here. But it all started when I was a kid. My family had, they're poor, but they had the illegal cable box, the black box. So I watched all the freaky porn, 10 years old,

didn't know it was normal, didn't know it was fetish, didn't know it was wild. It was just all at me at once. Went to the bathroom with a rocket, stuck it up my butt. It was a model rocket. And it's a good experiment

because you realize what you're into and not. And I don't want to be an astronaut. Thank you. Fuck yeah, Jay Yoder. Alright. It's okay. You can just leave it there, Jay. Heck yeah. How are you, bud? Good. How are you doing?

Good, good, good. Why do you keep moving the mic stand, pal? Just stay in one spot. Might be nerves. Just take a quarter of a step that way so that I can see the old 49ers over there. They're just fun to look at. Whoa! Look at that!

He just whipped it out. I'm a grower, not a shower. Hey. So let's talk about it here, Jay. Welcome to the show. I've always wondered what Matt Damon would look like with serious brain trauma. I'm glad that I finally get to find out. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

First time. First time ever, everybody. How about that? That's a way to get the show motherfucking started. Pretty good for the first time. It's true, you do have man boobs. How'd you end up with those? I got it from my father.

Your father has man boobs, too? Did he breastfeed you? He wasn't around, Tony. Oh, he wasn't? So no, no. Wow, there's a lot of people with deep issues groaning over here. Why wasn't your dad around? Well, they divorced. He had another

family in the other town. Oh, in the other towns. Multiple towns. Small towns. Oh, okay. We used to call that searching for gold in another city. Oh, and the other towns, multiple towns. Small towns. Oh, okay. We used to call that searching for gold in another city. Oh, wow. Yeah. My goodness. So you're an only child then?

No, older brother. You have an older brother. Okay, cool. And is this true? How long have you been with this girl that stuck her finger up your butt? About a year and two months. About a year and two months. About a year and two months. That is so precise.

My goodness. She's got you by the asshole and the balls, huh? You can't forget that anniversary. Ten more months, two weeks, and three days. Why did you call it anal play like it was a drama that you're about to go see with your wife? It was dramatic. Wow, my goodness. Anal play. Hell yeah.

So you said that you came fast. How fast are we talking about? Before I could say no, don't. Wow. Oh my God. Why isn't that the joke? Have you ever thought about that? She stuck her finger in my butt and I came fast. I mean real fast. Like I came before I could say

no don't. That would kill. There it is. You just did it. We've hung women for less where I'm from. You've never had a finger up your little hoo-ha? No. Well, that's what I call fool's gold. Very good. 49ers.

Hell yeah. Oh, no. Don't scrape goop off your feet. All right. Did you return the favor? Did you do something to her ass? Yeah. Wow.

Jesus. Why'd you have to say it like that? Red band. No, I didn't. No. Selfish. Selfish. It was such a sweet, innocent question until the way you said ass.

It's like, hey, did you return the favor? Did you do anything to her? Feel the asshole. Dirty fucking ass. Taken over by a demon. All right. Yeah. Did you do anything to her anal parts all right so uh um jay what do you do for work you always dress like a little league umpire yes actually i do yeah yeah i'm a product designer. A product designer. Fuck yeah.

What kind of products are we talking about? Not clothes. Whoa. You just got lit up by motherfucking Petey Waterfalls over there. That's right. The products you design aren't clothes, or else they might have a word for that. It would be a fashion designer, Petey.

Welcome to civilization. Old Petey Waterfalls made the trip from deep in the mountains. It's been a long time. You can't tell us what product? It's telecom software. It's not that interesting. Oh, my God.

I hate San Francisco. Everybody's answers sound the same. I love it. You know, I just do telecommunications playing the fog, you know what I mean? Oh! Alright. Jay, what's any, is some fun fact about you? Any fun hobbies or something

like that? You seem like you'd hold the record in something. You some type of, like, master at, like, Quake or something like that? Or perhaps you can play yourself in chess and somehow lose? What's a fun, what do you like to do? What are you into?

You seem like the kind of guy that likes to go pigeon shooting at the... Where I was raised, that's very common, yeah. Wow. But I'm knocking off bucket lists. This year I had my first MMA fight. It was like a six-month program. Wow.

Man-on-man anal. Hey. Your first MMA fight. It was like a six-month program. Wow. Man-on-man anal. Hey. Your first MMA fight. My goodness. You trained for six months. How did it go? Good, yeah. Well, I won, and I was first-round knockout very confident. But it turns out you used your inhaler

between rounds, and now what happened? Well, I found out the guy was almost 50 afterwards. Oh, my God. You beat up an old person? I did, I did. We actually have news for you, Jay. It turns out that man was your father.

It's all good, then. Well, Jay, you got the party started tonight. Thanks so much for signing up and coming out. First time ever on stage. He's kicking off Kill Tony Mania. Woo. Woo. Woo. Hell yeah.

Alright. Part of Kill Tony Mania is a special guest. Would you guys like to see a special guest right now? You like that? A new minute from someone that you know and love? Wow, okay. This guy is the brand newest regular

on Kill Tony. He's taken the show over by storm. He's had three killer minutes so far this weekend here. Five if you count Sacramento. Six new minutes this week if you count Monday at the Comedy Store. Put your hands together for him. It's the great and powerful David Lucas, everybody. Come on.

Come on. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yeah. Oh, shit. I'm here. My nigga. I hate when

girls be thinking I don't like doggy style but the truth is I got bad knees I just can't be in that position for a long time my knees ain't shit I don't have sex with skinny girls cause that's like

an attempted homicide charge. You know what I'm saying? I don't know. I hate when girls complain about being on top. Like, what's the problem with being on top? Do you trust these arms over you in the missionary position? I can only do two push-ups. You tell me how you want to play with your life.

You know what I'm saying? That's it. Fuck yeah. David Lucas. I fucking love it. Another unbelievable set. Looking better than ever. You're the only person who gains five pounds every time I see you on the show.

Oh, fuck. Very impressive. Yeah. The camouflage isn't hiding it. You're not blending in with shit. Looks like he's been going to the Golden Arches. Oh, you know about that. He looks like he just got back from the Golden Corral.

I can't roast a motherfucking camouflage. I know. But Tony, you look like Pinocchio. Oh, shit. Come on. Come on. How dare you? Every time you lie, your teeth get brown.

What? How dare you? It is incredible. Porcelain doll face ass. Oh my god. Alright. Yeah, porcelain doll ass. Hey, what was that? You're on his side?

I've never seen a black person before. I... You should see a black person. We wear all the fucking gold, you dig? Oh, you can't make fun of the characters. It doesn't work. I'm a figment of your imagination. David, you are unbelievably hilarious.

You and I have so much fun hanging out. We can't stop making fun of people together. So what do you say we do it again? Let's have David Lucas join the panel. And let's keep this fun train moving along. Shall we? On to the next one. It's the great Jay-Z one set.

Heck yeah. I think David Lucas is one day going to be recognized as one of the best comedians of all time. That's a little. You quote me on that right here. I think you're going to be one as one of the best comedians of all time. You quote me on that right here. I think you're going to be one of the greats. You're like Chris Rocky Road. Should I? Should I?

Alright, I pulled a name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Anthony Wakefield. Here we go. Let's get it started. Anthony Wakefield. I think it's better if I stay Wakefield. Here we go. Let's get it started. Anthony Wakefield. Hey. I think it's better if I say so long and goodnight.

Anthony Wakefield. Oh. I love it. The entire staff walks towards the stage entry when we call a name. I love it. If we could get three more waiters. We've only been here all weekend. I think the format isn't changing much,

people. Alright, where'd that guy go? I love it. Okay, on to the next one. We go. Put your hands together for John Gabb. How about John Gabb? Whoa! He's very excited. Is this him? Oh, no. That guy's just excited for somebody else.

That's incredible. Wow. That's incredible. Wow. Here he is. Yeah. John Gabb. We know John Gabb. Come on. One more time for the great John Gabb, everybody. Kill Tony.

Make some fucking noise. Oh, shit. All right. I know that I am a ridiculous-looking being i'm well aware like between the hair the beard and the bun i know i look like probably the gayest garden gnome that any of you have ever laid eyes on like that or the toughest bouncer at a trader joe's like i have a very specific niche that i fill you know but like fucking strangers has just been getting real comfortable coming up to me and telling me

shit like that to my face, you know? A guy approached me the other day and was like, bro, you know what you look like? You look like a Game of Thrones character at a music festival. I was like, like, am I supposed to be mad at you? Like, that's really fucking good, but, like, I'm

mad now. It's hard to get mad at someone, though, that hits the fucking nail on the head that hard. Like, my name is John Gabb of House Coachella. First of his name, breaker of chains, snorter of cocaine. What's going on tonight? Hell yeah. John Gabb, absolutely. Heck yeah.

Welcome, welcome. John Gabb, that was a great fucking set. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? Coming up on a year and a half. A year and a half. And correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it true that your very first time ever on a stage of any kind was here at Kill Tony?

Yeah. When you guys came to Punchline in June of last year, it was my first time doing comedy. And you've been doing it regularly ever since? Yes, sir. I'm actually here tomorrow night. We have a fun show tomorrow. Oh, you're doing just a normal show tomorrow night.

Yeah. Look at you. So you're basically doing the spots that you want to do in the city now. Yeah. After only a year and a half. I stayed fairly busy. And it started here on Kelsoadie by signing up for a minute.

I wouldn't have started without you guys. And you're happy with your life. Yeah. Suck before comedy. Still kind of sucks, but... I mean, you look like you have a sad life, but not right now. You know what I mean? Like, right now this is like when you're shining. Do you remember what I called you the first time we

ever met? Oh, Snackshon Bronson. Yeah, Snackshon Bronson. It still works a year later. I tried using it as an opener for a while. It wasn't hitting real hard. It's not the same. You look like if a stomachache was a person.

I literally do have Tums in my pocket. I have a pocket full of Tums right now. It is true. You look like the son that one of these 49ers would be the... You look like the son that one of these 49ers would be disappointed in. Paul Bunyan's son. I just don't understand why he won't take up the family business. How old are you?

You're about what, 39-er? 28. 28. What do you do to make money, John? I work with special needs adults. Wow. What do you do? You just do all your work in front of a mirror?

Yeah, yeah. I love it. How long have you been working with the special needs? Six years. Six years. Wowzers, man. Yeah, it's a cool job. It's an easy job.

What's the day like? It's pretty easy. My client just likes to watch Sound of Music and shit. I put on real misogynistic musicals from the 50s. So all of them? Yeah, exactly. A lot of people woo that. There appears to be a lot of special needs people in the audience here tonight.

John, what do you do for fun? You know, drugs. You really do, huh? Chop down trees. No, I'm way too out of shape for that. You do a lot of drugs. Are you ever afraid with your shape and lifestyle that you might run into a little trouble? I'm going to go out of hero.

What's that? I'm going to go out of hero. Oh. Yeah. No, I don't know. He could fry his brain, but he likes fried things. What's your favorite drug? I know it's not weight loss pills.

The armpit of a woman. Probably either acid or coke. Coke's fun. It's more easy to do. Diet or regular? What's that? It's like both. Hell yeah. My goodness. What's your? Tiger. It's like both. Hell yeah.

My goodness. What's your love life like, John? His palm. You know, not great at the moment. Palmola. Paula. Is that my hand name? Hell yeah.

That's fun. How about the last hookup you had? What was that? It was 1902. Oh, wow. Yeah, I met a chick through my drug dealer and then spent four days immediately with her upon meeting, which was a bad idea.

Like, I'm good in small doses. I'm not good for four days. All right, absolutely. So what did you guys do? You just kept doing drugs? Drugs and, you know, dumping clips into this lady. Dumping clips? That's what comes out of you when you cum?

Clips? Yeah, yeah. What are we talking about? What kind of... This whole caprice on packets. Oh, my God. Jesus. Like, you have an interesting shape.

Like, did this girl like do you see people if they're sucking your dick you just you just pretend like oh I bet she's beautiful yeah

I try to like lean up and catch eye contact yeah I mean it's so funny how you lean you're like a guy like afraid to fall off a building

that like wants to look down hey how's it going down there? You guys see me? He's got a tattoo of an upside-down woman's face on his stomach. Just like, oh, look at you, killing it down there. Sucking that all in. Get ready for some clips.

I love it, John. Well, I love to hear that even though you are an avid drug addict that appears that you only have years left to Well, I love to hear that even though you are an avid drug addict that appears that you only have years left to live, I'm glad to know that starting on Kill Tony helped you find something other than cocaine that you love to do. Because that's what it's all about, man. Yeah.

So anything else that you want to say? Yeah, I just, you know what I mean? Thank you guys for how much you put into this shit. I know I've had you put into this shit. I know I've had hard times watching this show. It made me not fucking want to kill myself sometimes. And you know what I mean? I wouldn't have found something I love to do without it. The way you said that sounded really bad.

I've had hard times watching the show. Yes. I was going through some hard times. This show is a special thing to a lot of people. There you go. Let's take it from the top one more time. No. I was going through some hard times. This show is a special thing to a lot of people. There you go. Let's take it from the top one more time.

No, I'm kidding. Let's get this right. No, thank you so much, John. Yeah. And I appreciate you. John Gabb, everybody. Hey. He's on Instagram

at JohnGabbComedy, all one word, J-O-N-G-A-B, comedy. And good night. So. Yeah. What do you guys.

Actually, let's go back to the bucket. Back to the bucket we go. We've only gotten two people up here so far. Let's get one more. Put your hands together for Kenan, everyone. Kenan. Here we go. Heck yeah, here he comes.

Here comes Kenan. Here he is. Not what you expected. Put your hands together for Kenan, everybody. Thank you. Everybody's talking shit about China right now, but I think they got one thing right. Fucking. Thank you.

If they. Well, fuck. You know what? I'm going to stop you there. I'm to stop you there. Let me remind everybody that here at Kill Tony, if you ever hear anybody booing or really making any noises of any kind during this part where people do the uninterrupted 60 seconds, you're allowed

to open hand slap whoever does that. Thank you. Thank you. So don't be a bozo. If you're in here and you're just some lame YouTube commenter that didn't have the balls to sign up, no one wants to hear your dumb opinions now.

So don't be a fucking loser, bottom-of-the-barrel dork, just because you know that you don't have the balls to sign up for a show like this because you know that you don't have that kind of talent or focus because the sadness in your life and the lack of anything that you've done to improve it has led you here so that you could live vicariously through other people. And anyway, how about one more time for Keenan, everybody? Let's take it from the top. Everybody's talking shit about China right now, but I think they got one thing right.

One kid, free plasma tv you have one kid you get a free tv you guys been to a public park recently who the fuck is having all these kids honestly it's like now, the polar ice caps are melting. Donald Trump is tweeting us in and out of wars. Weed is killing people for the first time in history. And fucking Jessica and Danny are in Noe Valley right now talking about, you know, I think it's our time. We're just going to do it again. Fuck you. There's enough kids on this earth. God damn.

One kid, free TV. You want to have another kid? Just fucking buy one that fell off the back of a truck like the 90s. Oh, my God. I'm working on Keenan. Thank you. Let me be the second person here tonight to say boo. Do the best you can.

He took the words out of my mouth. Thank you. Yeah, you're good. Keenan, first time doing stand-up? First time tonight. Fuck yeah, man. You did it're good. Kenan, first time doing stand-up? First time tonight. Fuck yeah, man. You did it, dude. You did it.

You had some thoughts. Thank you. Went political straight from the get. Not easy to do. Buried yourself in a deeper hole than most of these 49ers probably have. I love you guys. Bartholomew, what did you think about this guy? Aren't you one of those vampires that sparkle?

It's not the first time I've got that. It's impressive. Got me a lot of pussy in high school. Sorry. This guy's going to be Batman. It's impressive. Kenan, hell yeah. You are quite the guy.

You're born and raised here in San Francisco? No, I was born in Boston, raised in Atlanta. Southern boy. What brings you here? Tech. Tech. What do you do in the tech? Tech decking? Yeah, tech decking. I do graphic design.

Graphic design here in the city. Oh, wow. You do that professionally. You got one of those jobs. Can you design me the perfect woman? Yeah. I wish. I wish. You got one of those jobs. Can you design me the perfect woman? I wish. I wish. You got a real black name. I do, yeah.

It's from a book. Kenan and Kel? Baby names. I thought Gutberger or some shit. I get that quite a lot. I bet you never would have guessed. Kenan from Atlanta looks like this. Never.

Well, you know, Trump's tweeting us in and out of wars like crazy. I'm curious, what war has he tweeted us in? That's a great question. He's just there saying whatever. You just write it and you say it. But you gotta put a punchline. That is true. You don't just say whatever you it. But you gotta put a punchline in it. That is true.

You don't just say whatever you write. It's not like there's people out there just fucking politicians. Oh, you woke up the fucking president. The Donald Trump soundboard. I saw it last night. Just like Red Band. Oh, look at that.

That's what he thinks about you. So Keenan, you work in graphic design. You seem very unlikable. Has anyone ever told you this before? I love that. I mean, I had to yell at someone in the audience. I appreciate you for doing that. In your first six seconds, people were literally like, boo, boo.

Fuck this guy. I don't like him. I don't like anything he's got to say. Yeah. I appreciate it. Do you find that a lot? You have lots of friends? A good amount of friends, yeah. Oh, wow. Sounds like a bunch of dumb bitches

to me. Those don't sound like buddies at all. What the fuck are you hanging out with? The fucking famous girls from TikTok or something like that? What's going on here? At least one of them. This lady just... This place is nuts. famous girls from TikTok or something like that? What's going on here? At least one of them. The hell with this lady.

This place is nuts. Fuck yeah. Yep. Who are those girls? How do you know them? One of them I know. We went to St. Bart's together. Is that a school? Yeah. What kind of school

is that? It's a church of the electric train. Okie dokie. Can you answer the question I asked you? Same box. It's an island in the Caribbean. Oh. Oh.

Okay. You just went there together? That's how you know her? Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. Think about the answer to that fucking question for a second here. Yes, we went to the Caribbean together, and that is one of the ways that I know her, yeah. Think about the answer to that fucking question for a second here. Yes, we went to the Caribbean together, and that is one of the ways that I know her, yes.

How do you just go to the Caribbean? You met her on the plane? No. It was set up together. We went with a group of friends. You went on a blind date to St. James? No, same parts together, the six of us. Who gives a fuck?

What's the most interesting thing about you, Keenan? What's something you can win over this crowd with? Like Tristan, I write rap songs all the time. Get the fuck out of here. You mean you're Keenan, the rapper from Atlanta? That's exactly right.

Still looks like this. Hey, man. I want to introduce you to my rapper friend From Atlanta named Keenan You'd fucking love him And this guy walks in Hello Not Lil Dicky just Lil Dick

Would you mind doing a little rap for us I got you right now You want Joel to play a beat for you You want him to play a beat Here we go Slower, slower. Slower. Yay.

Shoddy in a sundress I'ma get a undress Take her home and we're gonna have Safe sex, latex All up on my cock You'll never find me riding bareback On the block Cause you gotta be safe All up on my cock. You'll never find me riding bareback on a block.

Because you got to be safe with your dick today or you'll end up with herpes or AIDS. All right. You're horrible. That's what I do. That was shit. Thank you. Thank you. Not T-Pain, you just N-Pain.

N-Pain, literally. That motherfuckerPain. N-Pain, literally. That motherfucker had an auto-tune in his throat. Thank you. Yeah, Kenan, doesn't seem like you're really good at anything. I'm really not killing it tonight. But you know what? That's one of the fun things about this show. Kill Tony.

Is that anybody can sign up and you are proof of that. Thank you. How about one more time you are proof of that. Thank you. How about one more time for Kenan, everybody? He's on Instagram at CatEye. Kenan's about to walk right past the guy that booed him. First guy to boo Kenenan out of many. Turns out the guy in the audience was right,

and I was wrong, by the way. Obviously, I'm still dealing with problems from my childhood, and quite honestly, I don't have the balls to sign up for this show. You know what? Let's do a special treat, shall we? Let's do it. There is, believe it or not, I don't know how many of you guys know this, but there is another regular on this show.

He's a very polarizing figure. A lot of people either love him or hate him. I absolutely adore him. He has an incredible style that I just love. Let's see another brand new minute from William Montgomery, everybody. Come on, guys. It's William Montgomery. Let me hear y'all bake some doors for Willie Mays. Yes!

doors for Willie Mays. September 22nd, 1987 is an important date for me. It's when I got married to my wife. It's also when Full House first aired on television. Let's give it up for Full House, y'all! Let's give it up for the Olsen twins!

Another fun date, January 28, 1986. My uncle Ralph Martinez blew up on the Challenger shuttle. I've never stolen that much food from a... God, I messed that up. Um, let me try that one more time. Uh, I've never stolen that much food from a Kmart before. That is what I said to my arresting officer last year before I got thrown in prison. Let's give it up for Alcatraz, y'all!

All right. William Montgomery. Using a new, it appears to be a new device, we figured out, he was in Sacramento, and he said, give it up for Mike Bibby, and the crowd went crazy. Let's give it up for Chris Webber! And ever since then...

Let's give it up for Peja Stojakovic! Ever since then, he's been doing this pandering thing where... Let's give it up for Daryl Steinberg! He's the mayor of Sacramento. Wow. And you've realized that you can move the crowd in the direction that you like just by naming things about that city. Is that true, William? You just figured this out literally in Sacramento.

Is this something you're planning on doing back in Los Angeles on Monday? I'm just currently horribly on edge. Do you want to please fucking shut up? I've got a lot riding on this! I'm going to be on Rescue 911! I'm going to be on Rescue 911! I'm going to be on Rescue 911! I'm going to be on Rescue 911! Some people never make it out of the mines.

William, do you recognize these guys at all? It seems like, again, this is the... There's been five people on this stage tonight that look like 49ers. Jerry Rice? Let's give it up for Jerry Rice! Hell of a receiver! How about Joe Montana?

How about Steve Young? How about... How about Steve Young? How about Darnell Dockett? William. William. Over here, William. Look at me for a second, William. Oh, are you doing the winks again? We've seen this before. This is another way he's been connecting with the audiences

lately. He tries to give each audience member their own individual winks. Really get you your ticket, get you your money's worth here tonight. Getting a wink from William Montgomery gives you luck for a long time if you get that

wink. Hell yeah. William, you're going to lose an eye doing this if you keep going. You're going to have one really strong right eyelid if this keeps happening all around the world. Oh my goodness. Okay. Did that guy get two winks?

What was that? Hold on a second. William, over here. William, you been having fun this weekend? I've had a bunch of fun. What I've realized, David Lucas, I got in the shower after David Lucas. Yeah, we were all staying at

one big compound here in San Francisco. You got in the shower with David? Shout out to Daily City, by the way. We've had a nice stay in Daily City. Shout out to John Daly! He's a golfer from Memphis, where I'm

from! Give it up for FedEx! Alright, William, you're so much fun. I'm excited. William's been on the panel a few times this weekend for Kill Tony Mania, and he's been giving great comedy advice. What do you say we keep it going and you join us over here

next to the other regular? Just a couple regular-ass dudes. The great William Montgomery joining David Lucas. William, if you're interested, somebody threw David a Tums earlier. I know you're more of a Zantac guy, but... There's a loose Tums. I love Zantac.

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All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This is fun. We'll get a lovely young lady up here. Make some noise for Elizabeth Strickling. Elizabeth Strickling. Here we go. Here she comes.

Elizabeth Strickling, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Holy shit. I had like a whole three minutes to do, but then I came to San Francisco. Your city is fucking gnarly. I was at a bar across the street i went to the bathroom and like sometimes there's girls in the bathroom and they they they hang out nobody in the bathroom i i went and saw the uh on top of the toilet roll straight line of something some drugs and then then I went to a hotel room and saw two guys touch their dick tips. That was

fun. Yeah. All right. But I am here now. So I actually also heard that I'm right in front of the guy that won the golden ticket. And then he went up last night. He said if I got on stage, I could call him up and they would do dick tip touching. Nobody wants that, though, so. Fuck yeah. Fuck no, maybe. I don't know.

Elizabeth Strickland. What the hell was that? I don't know. I got really nervous. What? I got nervous. You got nervous? Yeah.

Is this your first time attempting stand-up comedy? No. How long have you been doing this for? Not very long. It's like my ninth time. Your ninth time.

Wow. Yeah. I went up in Minneapolis once. Just on Kill Tony? At Acme. Oh. Okay. This is David Lucas's

favorite comedian of the night. I like me a BBW. You guys like people that choke, so I'm here to choke. She heard Golden Ticket and thought she was going to the chocolate factory. Oh, I have a burn for you. A what? A burn. What the fuck is that?

Elizabeth. No, it's a good one. I hope you... I'm going to light your ass up. I'm going to... No. It's okay. No. Do it. You better do it. No, I's a good one. I'm going to light your ass up. I'm going to... You better do it. No, I want to do it. If your girl likes doggy style,

she sits on the bed, and then you stand up. You don't have to hurt your knees. Burn, bitch. Got him. You really burned him. That's a helpful tip. I didn't burn you. That's a helpful tip. Just like the calories's a helpful tip. I didn't burn you. That's a helpful tip. It didn't work.

Just like the calories we don't burn. Yeah. Fucking female Chris Farley. I know, yeah. Yeah, I know. It looks like she ate all of Mr. Rogers' neighborhood. Wow. I have a tip for you. I've recently started coaching stand-up comedy.

I'm a teacher now. Oh, yeah. Just right off the bat, you should have said, I have an uncle for you. I've recently started coaching stand-up comedy. I'm a teacher now. Oh, yeah. Just right off the bat, you should have said, I have an uncle, Richard Lopez. He's very sick. He has Legionnaire's disease. And followed it up with, I like it when my mom goes out of town because I get to sleep on her side of the bed.

Hey, that's a whole joke you just snuck in, right? He just gave you a joke. I'm ready. I'm ready. But I think she sleeps on both sides of the bed already. Starfish. Oh, shit. Hell yeah.

I never thought I'd meet the chick from Shallow Hell. Oh! My goodness. You should have never started. You better be careful. Her husband, Dog the Bounty Hunter, could come up here any second. May she rest in peace, Beth. She is a good one.

Hell yeah. Elizabeth, welcome, welcome, welcome to the show. What do you do for work? Oh, God. Taste testing. Comedy. Yeah, no, I guess. No, I'm an architect, so I sit at a desk.

Oh, hell yeah. You know something or two about brick houses, huh? She's shaped like one. Oh shit, there's her chimney right there. Wow. You design sandwiches? What were you going to say? You think you're what? What were you going to say there?

I think I'm an okay person. I'm a good person. An okay person? Yeah, I'm a little plump, but I'm a good person. I'm sure you have a very big heart. It's true. We think you're lovely, Elizabeth, but you understand we have to make jokes about you. Roast me.

That wasn't funny, so you gotta be. Pot roast you. Spit roast me. Boston butt Elizabeth you have a boyfriend? Yes A skinny black guy Named Daryl

Is that true? Is he a skinny black guy? No He's outside in the car waiting on your ass Bitch I told you You gotta drop me off at my security job. You don't know me. God damn, yeah, no, I deserve it. You look like you date a meat slicer.

Oh my God. You should have never started with me. I can't stop now. I know, no, no, I got you. I gave you a good tip. You're about to have some good sex, so I'm fine with it. Who, from you? You'll think of me. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You can give me some hair, but you're too big for me to fuck. The band at the Airbnb can't hold all this. Okay, I gave you a good tip. You'll play it back. You look like you put raisins in your potato salad. Raisins? Elizabeth, Elizabeth, stick with me he'll never stop

if you just keep going he's going ham and it looks like you both love that yeah we're both ham roasts Elizabeth what does your boyfriend look like he's tall is he tall and I'm guessing flat

completely alright your boyfriend look like? He's tall. Is he tall and, I'm guessing, flat, completely? Alright. Tall. How long have you been with him? A year. A year. What does he do? Nothing. Oh, wow. Comedy. Yeah, no, I gotta go now.

Is he black? No. Oh, he's a tall white guy. Yeah. He's a good guy. He's a poet. He's a fucking... He's a poet? Oh, God. He's not a good guy at all. No, he's not.

No, he's great. He's great. I do love him. Y'all live together? No. I would definitely live with you and make you work. Yeah. Why don't you guys live together?

Is that something you want to do? No, no, no. It's expensive. I live in, no. It's expensive. I live in Santa Cruz. It's expensive. Oh, Jesus Christ, Red Band. You live in Santa Cruz. What's going on?

Reading it, Red Band's going to say something. I'm ready. I was just going to say, it's expensive. It would be cheaper if you both lived in the same place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. Gross. What the fuck?

Math Band. She big and dumb She lives in Santa Cruz ship Hell yeah Elizabeth do you have any fun hobbies Or anything like that You do anything for fun other than comedy She makes charcuterie boards

Holy shit We need a counter of roast jokes on this. I make a mean quiche. What do you do for fun, Elizabeth? I don't know. Go for hikes, hang out with friends. Wait, did you really just start with hikes? Are you fucking kidding me?

Have you not had enough punishment? Have you not had enough punishment tonight? No, I haven't apparently. What Burger King are you hiking to? What the fuck? What Burger King in the mountains do they have? I could see you

hiking it to a quarterback, maybe. Okay. Oh, my God. He's saying you're built like a center. I feel like if she's been hit with so many jokes, we should just start playing the Sarah McLachlan theme right now. She hikes, next is gonna be marathon running. Aw, you sweet, sweet thing.

Hell yeah. Oh boy, Elizabeth. God, this is so sad. Aw, you're sad. You got nervous and barely prepared and now you're sad. Aw, boy. Crazy.

Sign up for the show that rewards you if you stay focused and comfortable and doesn't if you don't. They make her... She has to weight test elevators. Okay. Okay. At least I didn't get booed before I came up here. In the arms of

the angels I came up here. In the arms of the angels out of the way. Thank you, Bartholomew. If you or somebody you know has been fat shamed for 30 minutes on a podcast, please call this number below. Any amount

helps. This has been sponsored by cashforgold.com. She just left. There you go. We finally figured out how to get her to go for walks. She needs She needs The recording of this segment should be

her alarm clock in the morning. We'll see who's going for hikes then, baby. Okie dokiekie chaos in the room one more time for Amy Schumer ladies and gentlemen come on if you're wondering the farthest this show has ever gone

it was that moment right there oh my farthest this show has ever gone. It was that moment right there. Oh my goodness. Wow. Oh my goodness. Someone's going to be eating her sadness away tonight. You know what I mean? Tears falling on a fucking whopper.

Thank God we have David Lucas on stage. Yeah. Abso-fucking-lutely. David was just doing all the jokes he's heard in his life. He's like... So, you know, that was certainly a lashing, right? That was certainly what we would consider the dark side, right?

However, let's change up the tone a little bit here, all right? Because there is another special treat for you guys. You guys like special treats, right? All right, fuck it. No, forget it. We'll go to the bucket then. You guys clearly don't like special treats. Well, ladies and

gentlemen, how many of you pride yourselves on listening to every single episode of Kill Tony? Okay. This is a little bit of a Kill Tony ultimate trivia for you because you're about to see something that's only been on the show one other time

to show how evenly balanced the playing field is here after coming off something like the lashing that you just saw. How about one more time for Elizabeth Strickling, by the way? It takes balls to sign up for it. She's got more balls and courage than anybody who didn't sign up for it and uh she took it like a fucking she took it like a champion uh however we are about to change direction your next comedian uh we met this young lady on a show in raleigh north carolina North Carolina. And she came on stage and she holds the distinguished privilege of being the youngest ever golden ticket winner

in the show's history. We found out during her interview portion that she was 16 years old. She's now 17 years old. She destroyed so hard in North Carolina. We are convinced that we found a fucking diamond in the rough and we're so excited to see her again

right now for the second time ever on Kill Tony. All the way from fucking Raleigh, North Carolina. Make some noise for the one and the only Caroline Smith everybody. Here we go. Heck yeah. here she is.

Caroline Smith everybody. Hi guys, hi, how are we? We doing good? Awesome. I'm currently in high school, that's a thing. And I don't have a ton of friends where I currently go to school, so I always eat my lunch in the special ed classrooms. Before you get all sad, it's fine. None of them can talk, so they don't annoy me. It's really peaceful. There's this guy in the special ed classes, and he has Down syndrome.

And I found out recently that he had been going through my bags without asking me and at first I didn't really mind because I was like oh maybe he's just looking for like the missing chromosome or something but then I found out he had been jacking off all over my school supplies. Yeah, and I was like, whoa, dude, you can't do that.

You're a teacher. That's super inappropriate. I'm sorry. Boom. Boom. And that is how you kill Tony. 17 years old, ladies and gentlemen. You're looking at the fucking future right here, right now. Screw you, America's Got Talent.

Are you watching this? Unbelievable. You're so fucking fun and what I'm just so happy that we have an outlet for someone like you that does real fucking comedy at a young age and you have an outlet for that where even though I was making like an America's Got Talent joke I feel like this is the show that's like perfect

for you yeah they one of the like agents of America's Got Talent told me to submit a video, but it had to be clean. So I was like, nah. That is so goddamn cool. I think we finally struck gold with this one. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

So how's it been going? How's it been going, Caroline? We haven't seen you since, it was Raleigh, North Carolina. Is that where you live? Yeah, I live in Durham, but I do all my stand-up in Raleigh. That's so cool.

Heck yeah. And you've been going on stage a lot? Yeah, yeah. It's mostly been like bar shows and mics. I'm at Good Nights, which is the comedy club there, quite a bit. I love it. Heck yeah.

And you're still in high school, right? Yeah, I'm a senior. I graduate in January. Oh, that's so cool. Holy moly. That's my favorite kind of girl. No, that's trash can. Trash can.

So what are your plans for after graduation in January? Why did I picture Red Van when she mentioned the teacher jerking off on all our students? So what are your plans for after January? I haven't figured that out yet. Wow. We'll see. Thank goodness. Any ideas?

Yeah, well, the goal is L.A. by the time I turn 21. I want to be like a TV writer. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Heck yeah. That's good. A desk job seems perfect for you. That's good a desk job seems perfect for you See we make fun of all women on this show

That's why I did it Soon you're gonna be in the wheel world David That's too old of a reference I love it When your legs don't work like they used to David. That's too old of a reference. I love it. Heck yeah. When your legs don't work like they used to before. Oh, David.

Come on. How dare you? Did you just make an Ed Sheeran handicap reference? I can't wait till you come to L.A. when you roll in town. Oh, shit. All right. Come on. Okay. My to L.A. when you roll in town. Oh, shit. All right. Come on. Okay.

My goodness gracious. Yeah. And what's exciting is that, yeah, don't mind David. I'm sorry. He's just had a problem with you ever since you scared him in the movie Poltergeist. Heck, yeah. What else do you do for fun? You're in high school.

We don't even know what it's like being a kid anymore. We're all getting old and creepy. Some of us more than others. So what's it like being a high schooler nowadays? I don't really do much. Do people in high school know that you're a comedian? No. Why? I ran into my Latin teacher at a bar once.

Whoa. Literally ran into my Latin teacher at a bar once. Literally ran into him. What were you doing at the bar? A mic. I rolled right up to him. Did he watch you? Did he watch your set? Yeah, he's like a musician.

And I had to just be like, he was like job and I was like see you Monday I guess. And you were like are you Willie here? Oh my goodness. Come on David just relax for a second. Let's relax. Let's check in with you're in high school. Oh yes Chroma Chris. No I was just going to say David you're going to be

in a wheelchair soon whenever you're feeling it. Diabetes. Roll out. Roll out. Roll out. Now, this is exciting because William normally doesn't ever get to see high schoolers because he's not allowed anywhere near one.

So, William, what are your thoughts on 17-year-old, the great Caroline Smith, the youngest ever golden ticket winner, one of only, I think, five or six in the history. Caroline, I love it. There's a date that's very special

in my mind. It's December 22nd, 1985. It's the day my uncle fell off a roof. He became paralyzed, so it really did hit close to home. Seeing you in a wheelchair tonight he was really good

friends with Ralph Martinez my other uncle a lot of uncles named Ralph Martinez yeah fuck yeah you know what Caroline why don't you actually we'll have her go on the other side of William,

and how about you just join the panel? Hang out with us, huh? Just share a microphone with William over there. If he touches you inappropriately, let me know. Even though you might not be able to feel it if he does. I'm not exactly sure. I'm not exactly sure what's going on over there. I'm just kidding.

Everyone knows I'm kidding. Back to the bucket, guys. What do you say, huh? Fun episode of Kill Tony. Heck yeah. And if you want to say anything, you just grab that microphone right out of this fucking creepy fuck's hands. You know what I mean?

Okay, this looks exciting. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds. Gordon X. Gordon X. Here we go. Let's see what happens here. Gordon X.

How about a hand for the band, huh? New songs every episode. Getting it done. Not really seeing any movement here. Is there Gordon X? No. Not seeing it. All right.

On to the next one we go. Is that Gordon X? No. Yeah. That's Gordon X. All right. go. Is that Gordon X? No. Yeah? That's Gordon X? All right. Here he comes, Gordon X. Come on, everybody.

One more time for Gordon X. Here we go. Here we go. That's my neighbor. first and foremost I want to give a shout out to the person that got me on the stage let's get a round of applause for Adam Johnson over there in the back near the Joe Rogan sign

yes yeah fuck with him one time really bad way to spend this minute I was prepared for this but I'm fucking nervous anyway, don't have a lot of time what would you say if I told you that I have an idea that could not only

end tension in the Middle East destroy incels once and forever, and restore balance to the force. Would you believe me? Would you believe that just this afternoon, deep dick to check, with soft dick... Wow, okay.

Gordon X, everyone. Hell yeah. Tonight is the night... Tonight is the night we learn that David Lucas gets a sense of humor from his mother. Right. That's Whoopi Goldberg, son. Whoopi Kushner.

Motherfucker look like he ate the Pirates of the Caribbean. Gordon X is not smiling. He's not laughing. This is no laughing matter. Gordon, talk into the microphone. How you feel right now? What's going on, pal? You okay?

They didn't have no ribs on the menu. Okay, hold on. Give him a chance. Give him a chance. Give him a chance. Gordon, Gordon, don't look down and angry like that. Listen. Real talk. Yeah, we're gonna talk right now. Nobody interrupt Gordon for a second.

Gotta take a shit right now. It's literally like I was actually gonna go upstairs to take a shit. You do? When you called, wasn't expecting it. The show was gonna end. Guess what, Gordon? Guess what, pal? I've had to take a shit since this episode started. You stay in the pocket, you stay professional, and you stay focused. All right.

I had a fucking blue cheese double cheeseburger literally five minutes before walking onto this show. I had a fucking durian milkshake earlier with an extra large bowl of pho. Extra noodles, extra spicy, extra hoisin. You're telling me you have to shit? Look at all the space for that shit to sit around. You know what I'm dealing with here? This little fucking, I got one goddamn, I got one goddamn

Dixie Cup strength fucking bladder. Here's a little noodle hanging out. I thought you took a shit when you did your one minute. Yeah. It is true, actually. Tony is really good at pushing shit in. No. Oh, yes, actually. Tony is really good at pushing shit in. Oh, yes. Another reach of a gay joke

for some reason. You're dressed like a prep cook. Gordon is not... Yeah, because of the jellyfish shit. Got it. Also, bad form as a fat guy to make fun of a fat guy. This is the best time.

But you fucking overweight hellsanger. Hold on, hold on, hold on a second. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Morbidly obese. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I saw the ass overweight in middle school. Morbidly fucking obese. Thank you.

This motherfucker got a party body. Hip, hip, hooray. David, David, David. Just take a, please breathe. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Do what you don't do properly when you're sleeping and just breathe. You know what I mean? Just take a breath.

Can we get David's sleep apnea mask up here? Okay, let's relax for a second. I need to find out more about you, Gordon. You signed up for the show tonight, right? Yeah. Have you done stand-up comedy before? Yes, I have. For how long?

A couple years now. A couple years. All of it here in San Francisco? No. Actually, first time in San Francisco. Where are you from? Oakland. Oakland.

Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Heck yeah. That's right, folks. Eating a bag of dicks. Town business. Thank you very much. Oakland, the home of the Raiders, which is what you do to your refrigerator late at night, right?

You don't take jokes well, do you? It's not even that I'm not taking jokes. I'm actually laughing on the inside. I am fucking terrified right now. Like, it's literally my dream to be on stage talking to you guys, and I'm fucking it up right now. It's typical me. If you feel me, typical me.

That's okay. I'm going to be back. You're going to fucking remember me. It's okay. I don't give a fuck. Relax, relax, relax. Oh, my God. back. You're going to fucking remember me. It's okay. I don't give a fuck. Relax. Relax. Oh my god. Are you two actually related? This is incredible. Give me a panic attack.

Gordon, let me tell you something. You're doing just fine, pal. The set didn't go the way that you wanted it to, but we're still in the middle of the interview. We can turn this thing the fuck around. How many of you think, Gordon... We get it. We all have bad sets once in a while It's just all we know of you, sure

At this point And like you said, you'll come back You'll do it again and we'll have more fun some other time But don't look at this like a loss You haven't lost anything Not a single pound Anyway So let's talk about your life a little bit, Gordon

What do you do for work? Work at a liquor store You work at a liquor store? Yes Hell yeah, man How long have you been doing that for? About six, seven months now Six or seven months ago

Feels like six, seven months, maybe And do you ride a motorcycle? No Want to, but no You just look like that Because I ride an electric scooter now Oh, you ride an electric scooter? It's called electric wheelchair.

I'm actually the only nigga in Oakland with an electric scooter with air conditioning, matter of fact. It's bullshit, letting you know. Wow, what's that thing you do? You break into this weird thing. Every once in a while, you just box out this imaginary basketball player behind you and you tell the audience something.

That's the nigga that I wanted to be on stage for the minute but didn't have the dick energy for. At the moment, I'm working on it. That, like, making the bell ring. You got great stage presence, though. For real, for real. Thank you. You're not scared to get on stage.

I appreciate that. You ever been on stage doing anything other than stand-up comedy? No. No? No. Stage group, like in high school. Oh, okay. What else do you do? What are Stage crew, like in high school. Oh, okay.

What else do you do? What are you into, like, hobby-wise or for fun? Robot pussy, actually. What? Robot pussy. Robot? Robot pussy. Cyber cheeks.

Cyber cheeks. What does that mean? Explain to me. Yeah, we could all do that. What does that mean to you? Does this guy build robots and have sex with them? No, no, no. Those are fuckbots.

I'm into sex droids. Explain to us exactly. No, no. Actually, no. That's a sex droid. I'm into fuckbots. Sorry. No, I'm going to let you get fucked up one more time.

Jesus Christ, dude. I'm making my heart skip a beat. Yes, we got you. Okay, so Gordon. What the fuck does that mean? Okay, so Gordon, what the fuck does that mean? A fuckbot is a device that you insert or allow to be inserted your genitals into that doesn't look like a human. Sex droid looks like a person.

It's that weird, like, real doll shit that you have to get, like, a step ladder to fucking assemble and all that. So you put your dick in a machine? Yeah. And it makes you cum? Multiple put your dick in a machine? Yeah. And it makes you cum? Multiple orgasm, as a matter of fact. Real talk. Oh, my God.

Do you wash this thing? Absolutely. Multiple times. Would you fuck a vending machine? What? Would you fuck a vending machine? Fuck no. A robot.

That's a delectable, infinite, multiple orgasm cyber change? What's the name of the machine that you fuck? Real Touch. It's called Real Touch? Yeah. I'm going to write this down. I'm just going to Google this shit, see what it looks like.

Hell yeah. When's the last time you were with a human being? This afternoon. Oh, so you just fuck a machine sometimes? Yeah, on the side. On the side. Do you mix the real touch with the virtual reality and stuff like that? Yeah.

Oh, my God. So it's pretty much for you guys that want to know. It's like a flashlight. You know a flashlight. It looks like that, but it's hooked up to a Dell. Yeah. It's very bizarre. It looks goofy as fuck.

It kind of looks like a portal gun from Portal It will transport your dick to a different dimension Real talk I never come as hard as with the fucking Jesus do you have the promo code What the fuck are you plugging No I actually have an intact unused model And this is a company that went to fuck

You cannot actually go and buy it I got some OG exclusive shit. Okay, Gordon. Gordon X, that's your stage name? It's literally the shit that I came up with. I've been cycling names. This is not the name I'm going to go forward with, but it's the name that shows today.

It's the only cycling you do. It needs to be Gordon XXXM. Okay, Gordon. So, you know, my advice to you, of course, but you already know it. It's sign up again. Come back, hopefully next year around here especially, and let's

see you fucking catch your breath and focus it all into some fucking energy and get retribution. It's going to be a fun storyline because we'll remember how bad you did. And if you do good, it's going to be the coolest fucking shit ever because this was

one of the worst sets I've ever seen in my life. I appreciate that. Thank you. One more time for Gordon X, everybody. This is the beginning of a... This is the beginning of an interesting storyline. If he survives until next year's Kill Tony Mania, he's going to sign up and we're going to see him again.

Okay. He literally sucked the energy out of the room. It's impressive. There's barely any oxygen in the room right now. That was impressive. There's barely any oxygen in the room right now. That was impressive. You know it's bad when Caroline Smith starts walking out of here on her own. Sweet Caroline, that's very good.

Hey, hey. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here with Stick Boy. Stick Boy. This is interesting. Stick's see what happens here with Stick Boy Stick Boy This is interesting Stick Boy Is this Stick Boy Here he comes

That's not Stick Boy This is Stick Boy Here he is everybody One more time not Stick Boy. This is Stick Boy. Here he is, everybody. One more time for Stick Boy. Come on, one more time for Stick Boy. I like blowjobs. I like when they start when my dick is soft so the girl I'm hooking up with licks at him like a bulldog eating spaghetti.

I'm a multitasker. I'm always trying to get shit done efficiently. When I wake up in the morning, I always brush my teeth while I take a multitasker. I'm always trying to get shit done efficiently. When I wake up in the morning, I always brush my teeth while I take a shit. I'm always trying to save time. So when I hook up with a girl that's got a big old bush, and I'm eating her out, I always try to floss my teeth a little bit.

Oh yeah, Stick Boy. Crazy little dirtball you. How's it going, Stick Boy? Have you been on the show before? No, it's my first time on the show. Oh, okay. How long have you been on stand-up?

Well, this is kind of my restart to comedy. Okay. When's the last time you did it? So I moved to Portland in March, and I did comedy. Oh, Jesus. Sorry about that. You hang out with bad people. Yeah.

That's the first thing I really found out about your real life, is that you surround yourself with people that you're better than to make yourself feel better. Stickboy, a.k.a. Fuckboy. Wow. I'm surprised you know that term. Old school 49er. Yeah.

I did comedy for about four months in Denver, and I moved to Portland recently, and I haven't been able to get out. Sorry. I did comedy in Denver for about four months. Yeah, I heard it, I heard it, I heard it. And then you moved to Portland recently.

Thank you very much. What do you do when you're not doing stand-up? What do you do for work? I'm a project manager for a fintech company in Portland. Are you sure you don't live here in San Francisco? I'm a project manager for a tech company. Boring stuff. What do you do for fun?

I stream video games on Twitch. Oh, wow. Three people go absolutely make it four. What else do you do for fun? I love foosball. The table soccer. Wow. I think one of your special needs teachers was up here earlier.

Tell us about your life. I love foosball. I'm just good at it. I think we're finding out how you get all this pussy you were talking about earlier I'm in a long distance relationship so

you're in Portland where's she at she's in Minneapolis heck yeah have you seen her perform at Acme Comedy Club before no I haven't but okay when's the last time you seen her perform at Acme Comedy Club before? No. Oh, okay. I haven't, but... Okay.

When's the last time you saw her? I saw her in August. Wow, it's been a long time. Have you given in to the temptations? Have you met anyone else at all? Have you thought about it? No, I haven't, but you can tell how long it's been since I've had sex by the length of my pubic hair. Oh, wow. Jesus. Have you thought about

fucking a machine hooked up to a Dell? Not exactly. I don't know what the fuck that guy was talking about. Let's check in with Bartholomew. How long is your pubic hair? Because I have pretty long pubic hair. Oh, shit. Should we have a pubic

hair competition right now, live on the show? Prospector Bartholomew, you do have a reputation on this show for having a literally what people have called a retarded amount of pubic hair. Can I say when

you asked if they wanted that, it was the most mixed response we've ever gotten? We were like, I mean, I guess. Hey, it's a refillable hour and a half long show. We've done seven episodes this week. We're running out of shit to do. Do you guys want to have a pubic hair competition or what?

This is literally the dumbest show ever. Whip My Hair is playing. I don't know how Brian had music ready for a pubic hair competition, but he's been waiting for this for six and a half years. Cover your drinks and entrees if you're in the front row. Is that true? Only pubic hair, though.

No penises, guys. It's very important. You can have pubic hair on YouTube, but you cannot have the shaft skin part of the penis. No dick trunk. So here we go. I think maybe... I think, yeah, I think for sure

Stick Boy has to go first in this. So, uh... Stick Boy lifting up his shirt. This has become one of the gayest podcasts in the history. Let's see here. You have to, wait a second here. You have to stretch it out like it's a first down marker.

And then stand sideways. And the guy in the Raiders hat will be a judge. The guy looking at his phone so that he doesn't convince himself he's gay. Okay, this is fair. All right, give it a pull. Wow, that is I don't know, that's pretty long pubic hair, but I don't know.

I'm pretty sure Bartholomew's going to win this one. What the hell is going on here? Alright, here he goes. Bartholomew. Oh! He throws the beard over his shoulder. He starts taking off the feminine overalls.

He's pulling him down nice and slow. The red bandana sliding down behind. This prospector in some of the best shit. Wow. Oh, my goodness. What are these underwear that he's wearing? Those are real tighty-whities. I can't see over here.

Take a step back, stick boy. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That is disgusting. Oh, my God. There's some floating in the air. Oh, God, there is. Oh, this is one of the most disgusting things we've ever done in the history of this show.

This is disgusting. one of the most disgusting things we've ever done in the history of this show. By the way, just for you listeners, let it be known that this guy bragged about how long his pubic hair was and Jeremiah's like, oh, no you don't.

Not in my house. Jeremiah keeps a frightening amount of pubic hair on him at all times. There's also a child on stage. There's another kind of minor on stage. There's a second kind of minor. Oh my God, I totally forgot about that.

I feel so horrible. I'm pretty sure this is a felony. What if she got up and started walking again? Your mom's here. I have to check. Do I have a thumbs up from Caroline's mom on any of this? Oh, okay, cool. How about I have her Caroline's mom?

Woo! Sheesh! Would have been something if the final show of Mania was the final show of Kill Tony. End of our freedom. And that is, by the way, let's give Chroma Chris credit for that incredible, there's more

than our kind of minors on stage. That's good. Again, Chroma Chris, not a professional comedian, just hits grand slams at home run derbies. Well, Stick Boy, I mean, what can I say, dude? You fucking,

the third most interesting thing about you is that you have medium-sized pubic hair. Okay, stop booing people, you fucking idiot. There's one real angry weirdo somewhere in this section. Stick Boy, people, you fucking idiot. There's one real angry weirdo somewhere in this section. Stickboy, we appreciate you signing up. Congrats on your first time ever on stage.

Go give your friend a fucking back rub. He seems very stressed out. Thank you, guys. You're welcome. There you go, Stickboy, everybody. Stickboy. Stickboy. All right.

Let's go back to the bucket, huh? How about Arturo Purello? Arturo Purello. You're next on Kill Tony. This is it. Let's go, Arturo. Arturo Purello. Here he is everybody. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah.

Come on, one more time for Arturo Piorello. Hey, how's it going? Let's give it up for Frank Gord! Okay. All right. So, hey. Who's shit themselves at Carl's Jr. before? Oh, no?

Me neither. All no, me neither. Alright look, okay maybe. I was at a thrift shop with my mom and my grandma. And I had to go. So I told my mom, hey mom I gotta go. She was like, okay give it a second. We'll leave in a minute. Cut to an hour later. We're still here.

And I tell her, oh, I realize at this moment, oh, this woman does love me. Like, oh, I gotta do this on my own. So I leave the thrift store. And I look around. Never mind. Go ahead Go ahead finish it Arturo Are you close to the end pal? It's really long

I'm sorry I thought it was shorter But you know Apparently not Oh my god Wow Anyway There you go

Arturo Purello everybody Coming out guns a-blazin'. Clearly taking some of William Montgomery's advice from the top of the set. Giving a shout-out to Frank Gore, who I'm pretty sure no longer plays for the 49ers. Oh, sorry. Arturo, I love

to... I'm a big Frank Gore... Also, a bartender. Can I get a PBR, please? I'm horribly on edge right now. These lights are getting hot. All right. Very good, William. It's okay.

How about you, David? What did you think about this guy? What did you think about Mexican Mario over here? I think it looks like Saddam Hussein. He does. I was thinking the exact same thing. Can you lower these gas prices, motherfucker? Like the death photo. What are you? Are you just, motherfucker? The death photo.

What are you? You just pure Mexican? I'm Mexican, man. Oh my God. You seem so young to look like a Mexican grandfather. It's incredible. Let's check in with Bartholomew over there.

We've tried this a couple times on the show before. I think it'll work. If you say a joke and then you have that new catchphrase of yours, I'm Mexican, man. I think it would really spruce up your set quite a bit. All right. You have any short jokes that you want to do? Like a very, very, very, very, very short joke?

Like an extremely short joke, even though we know that you don't do short jokes? Do you want to do that? Not really. Right, exactly. Sorry. Okay, then say something, a fact about your life, and then insert your catchphrase.

Okay, there you go. Let's just shoehorn it right into the smack dab part of this show. Go right ahead. My name is Arturo Parejo, and Parejo is really close to a Spanish name, a Spanish word. Puerco, which means pig in Spanish. In English.

Sorry. He's Mexican, man. Okay, all right. There you go. You fucking nailed it, dude. Someone knows how to take direction well. Good God. Arturo, what do you do for a living?

I work in a landfill. You work in a landfill? He's Mexican, man. I'm Mexican, man. You look like you dress in one, too. Yeah. You look like a cholo that got really into Jesus. This is your first time attempting stand-up comedy?

Yes, it is. Congratulations. There you go. Thank you. Absolutely. You from here? Born and raised in San Francisco? I'm actually from three hours north of here.

No, I believe that. He's Mexican, man. I'm Mexican, man. Are there a lot of Mexicans three hours north of here? It's all white people and Mexicans. Right. What city exactly is three hours north of here? Corning all white people and Mexicans. Right. What city exactly is three hours north of here? Corning, California.

What? Corning, California. Corning? Okay. 30 minutes away from Chico. There you go. Hell yeah. You had some pretty Corning jokes up here, too. So Arturo, what do you like to do for fun when you're not digging in the trash

and fucking... There's a lot of digging in trash for fun when you're not digging in the trash? There's a lot of digging in trash. There's a lot of digging in trash? Yeah. Hell yeah. So you have a girlfriend too, huh? No. No, go ahead.

What do you do for fun? I play guitar. I play video games. Just look. Hell yeah. Look for money in the trash. You do? You look for money in the trash. You do? You look for money in the trash? I found about almost a grand.

Wow. You want to join our group? Hey, man. Yeah, let's do it. You ever find a body or anything fucked up? Two things. We found is a rattlesnake and a bear paw. A bear paw?

Yeah, I don't know. Northern California, man. Wow. That's so interesting. What did you do with those things? Did you goof around? Did you go up to your friend

and be like, whoa! I'm a bear. I'm a bear with a Mexican accent. Hey! No, I was just, since I run,

I run the, it's a conveyor belt, right? I run it. And so I'm like, nope. Run that thing faster. All right. Fuck yeah. I ain't messing with the rattlesnake, man.

Well, you know what, Arturo? You got your first time ever on stage up here. We're going to fly through. We're going to get one more person out of this bucket. How about that? Is that okay with you guys? You want to go to the get one more person out of this bucket. How about that? Is that okay with you guys? Do you want to go to the bucket one more time?

Alright. This is it. The bucket of destiny decides. There you go. Yeah, he works at a landfill. What a happy guy. Heck yeah. Fuck yeah.

The lady that's wasted and loves everything loved you. Put your hands together for your final comedian of the night, Sparks. Sparks. Sparks. Sparky. Sparks. Sparky. Sparks. Is there movement? Oh, he's coming down the stairs, baby. Uh-oh, Sparks coming down the stairs.

Oh, there he is. Heart of gold. And I'm getting old. Don't run too fast. You're going to be out of breath. Classic Kill Tony mistake number one. Here's Sparks, everybody. It's fucking crazy.

Where's my San Francisco natives at, though? Fuck yeah, dude. This sucker's fucking free. I'm from Ontario, Canada, but I'm a Niners fan. I'm just joking. I was born and raised here. Outer Mission District, Excelsior. I'm in the Navy. I met my wife in Virginia when I was stationed out there for a few years.

She's from Virginia, so my father-in-law and my brother-in-law are the same fucking person. I'm from the city. The city's changed a lot. All you people who are from here know. It's kind of crazy. It's kind of sad, but it happens. Uh, it used to be when you partied out in front of your house on the street, you know, you'd have to worry about people coming through, breaking up the party, being crazy.

Nowadays, you just got to worry about your, uh, yoga instructor neighbor with the top not coming out and calling the cops. Uh, it used to be if you wore the wrong colors in a certain neighborhood, namely the Mission, you'd get jumped and sent to a hospital. These days, if you wear the wrong fashionable colors, you just get criticized and shamed.

That's it. Fuck yeah, Sparks. You got it going. Sparks has done the show. This is your first time doing stand-up, correct? Yes, sir. And I forgot to move the mic stand back.

Congratulations. What did you just say? I forgot to move the mic stand backwards. I know it's like number one kill Tony. It's okay. Well, actually, number one kill Tony is don't sprint to the stage because you'll be out of breath and you won't be thinking straight. You did. I was breathing a little heavy.

You're in good shape. Junkie boy. One of the healthiest people on the stage so far tonight. Thank you. This is a very special crew we have where if you're not out of breath after a 20-second jog, you are considered an elite athlete. Don't kill Tony. Don't believe you, Ed.

This is one of the few shows where walking at all is a huge advantage. That one was for you, Caroline. That was more really on you and a few of the morbidly obese people that made it out tonight. Shout out to them. So, Sparks, tell us about you. It's your first time on stage. You've seen the show before. I was just literally dreaming right now.

This feels like a dream because I was just up there thinking, if I'm the last one... It's funny you mention that because you put a lot of people to sleep in the audience. A lot of people are dreaming this young lady here actually took a nap during your set. I think she just fucking OD'd. I think that's heroin.

No, she's awake again now that comedians are making jokes. She popped her head up. No, it's okay. It's his first are making jokes. She actually popped her head up. No, it's okay. It's his first time. Who gives a fuck? That's called nodding off. You took the advice of William Montgomery, obviously,

and went out and bought a San Francisco 49ers vest before your set here. This is fun. Frank Gore, baby. Tell us about it. When you open up the next time, I think the audience will love it. If you open up with, I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to heroin. It makes my stomach hurt. There you go.

He just gave you a joke for your first time ever. You got an actual joke from William Montgomery. Tell us about you, Sparks. What do you do? What's your story? I mean, like I said, I'm an idiot. You need any more of that cord up there? What's going on there?

What are you going to do? I mean, Jesus Christ, bro. This guy's pulling it out of the fucking ground circuits. court up there? What's going on there? What are you going to do? Jesus Christ, bro. This guy's pulling it out of the fucking ground circuits. He just has dirt in his hands right now. I don't know what to do with my fucking hands. It's okay. Look up here. Tell us about you, Sparks.

Like I said, I'm in the Navy. I was born and raised here in San Francisco. Mexican white family. Grew up in the hood. It was kind of funky, but you know, I mean... You grew up in the hood? Yeah. Outer Mission, Excelsior, anybody? What? Excelsior. Excelsior District.

Is that here in San Francisco? Yes, sir. Oh, yeah. That's the real hood, I'm sure. It was in the 90s. Not now, man. It's like Calabasas. Now it's Silicon Valley.

All right. I got pictures of my white-ass mom throwing up an E for Excelsior back in the day. It's kind of funny to show people. Is that true? No, she's just, like, goofing around? No. Heck yeah. I don't know if you know this,

but Caroline here is one of the Crips. Oh, right on. Let's see that Crip walk. Oh, no. She's fucking great. She gets it. She's laughing. Which reminds me, you know,

Elizabeth Strickling, look at comedy vet Caroline laughing at jokes that are about her and the way that she, the life that she lives. She makes jokes about it, and you can joke with her about it, and she laughs. And she got the fucking golden ticket. And you just have a coupon for McDonald's. All right. I'm sorry. How we're still making fun of this poor lady,

I have no idea. She left an hour ago. And to be fair, she just couldn't walk away. Oh, come on. Chroma. What are you doing? You're beautiful. Absolutely. We fucking love Caroline.

She's underage. I repeat, she's underage. Not in North Carolina, dude. Look it up. I just did. Whoa. Redband's gonna go home with Caroline. Heck yeah.

Caroline's like, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Why do I feel like Red Band walks as much as Caroline does? Probably true. Wow. Okay, Sparks. Well, congrats on your first time on stage. Thanks so much for coming out. And we appreciate you, dude. Thanks for being for coming out. We appreciate you, dude.

Thanks for being in the Navy. Thanks for defending our freedom. There you go. I don't know. I just don't feel like that's a way to end the show. I feel like it's not even... I feel like it's just not a way to end the bucket poll. So you guys think we should go one more time, huh? They love it. There's

the energy. There's some fucking energy from this. You guys get more energy as the show goes on. This is incredible. So let's go. Let's finish the show with a guy named Ryan Callahan. How about that? Let's try this. Ryan Callahan. Here he is.

Ryan Callahan, everybody. Here we go. All right, hi. It's kind of difficult to tell the difference between when I'm high and when I'm angry. I just kind of get really quiet, start staring off into space, and then my eyes get red and watery.

It's a little awkward. Sometimes it helps me out, it works to my advantage, because if anyone comes to try and call me out for being high, I simply go, no, I'm not stoned. But I am fucking pissed. We go, no, I'm not stoned. But I am fucking pissed. I'm at an odd level of broke right now.

For instance, I can afford a AAA membership, but I hit them up the other day for some gas. That's really all I got. No gas, no more jokes. Ryan Callahan, everybody. Let's get all I got. No more jokes. Ryan Callahan, everybody. Let's get right into it. Keep that mic in your hand. Yes, sir. Tell us about your life.

Tell us something interesting about you that makes you different than other human beings. What's your story? What's really anything fun about you? You have 11 fingers. You have a fucking... What's your story? Used to be a soccer player.

That's it? Nothing professional Got a dog recently I'm an electrician Put the mic back in the mic stand There he goes, Ryan Callahan everybody Ryan Callahan Ryan Callahan

To be honest I liked his joke about being so broke that he gets his gas through AAA. That's actually pretty smart. You only get so many AAAs. It doesn't make sense. Twice. It doesn't make sense at all.

Either you have AAA and you know that, or you don't have AAA and you don't get the joke anyway. Really, do you? You would know more than me. I'd have an electric car, so I wouldn't get the joke anyway. So it's like, really, do you? You would know more than me. I'd have an electric car, so I wouldn't. Oh, wow. You just got that electric car four months ago. We all know because you post about it every day of your life.

So it's your new identity. Anyway, I just don't feel like that's a way to end this show. I mean, maybe I'm losing my mind here, but maybe I'm losing my mind here, but maybe I'm losing my mind here, but maybe we should

do something special, and maybe I just have one more special treat up my sleeve for tonight. Huh? Why not? It's the last show of Kill Tony Mania. This is it. So, I present to you, here to do a new minute and hang out with us for a bit,

this gentleman is one of the few ever also golden ticket recipients from around the world. We met this young man in Portland, Oregon. And he literally, I mean, had one of the greatest sets and greatest interviews in the show's absolute history during that show I do believe he hit a massive wrestling maneuver on band leader Jeremiah Watkins he got a golden ticket he showed up to the comedy store a couple months ago cashed in on his golden ticket in the main comedy store, destroyed again, and then proceeded to embarrass the band even more by chokeslamming Joel Berg through

a table after his set. He made it here to San Francisco, all the way from Portland, Oregon. Elite golden ticket recipient, the one and only Todd Royce, everybody! Guys, this is it.

You better make some fucking noise for Todd Royce right now. My mom has been married five times, which means that I've had more dads than I've had girlfriends. I've been married for 12 years, which means I've had more arguments than I've had blowjobs. And you might be thinking, oh, wow, they must fight a lot. No. I... oh wow they must fight a lot. No. I thought about sending my wife a dick pic but then I'd have to put up with the criticism. She'd be like why don't you ever use a filter and I'm what kind of filter do you use do you

want a black and white one? And then she'd be like, shit, I didn't know you were cool. I'll just take a black one. I don't understand guys that do dick pics, especially if they're unsolicited. Guys just take a picture of their own junk and then are like, you know who'd love this? Carol in accounting.

The only person I've ever sent a dick pic to is myself just to check in on him every once in a while. Thank you, guys. Wow. He did it again. He did it again, goddammit. Three for three all time. Absolute crushing. Thank you.

Incredible set, Todd. Mind-boggling. It's so good to meet the white David Lucas. I'm kidding, David. He got me beat, bro. Wait, are you talking about this skinny motherfucker right here? I'm his goal weight. That's true.

Yes, let's check in with Bartholomew. I think it's great that the woman from earlier could have a bad set, come back on, perform again, and do a great job. That poor woman. I mean, she hit some open mics, came back. Oh, my God. Now you see why I slammed him? Jeremiah motherfucking Watkins. Oh my god Now you see why I slammed him? Jeremiah motherfucking Watkins

That is true You slammed him in Portland And you choked slammed Joel How's life been going Todd? It's been good I started keto at the end of last month I'm down 22 pounds No no no

When this is the after picture I don't deserve applause. Wow. So how's it, how's it been going? I mean, what do you, what have you been eating to survive? Like what's your favorite thing now that you're left with? Um, I, salmon and broccoli, like a bear, a lot of eggs. What's that? Like a bear. Yes, it is true a lot of salmon mostly salmon it seems by a stream you know

you just reach your paw in there that you found at the landfill hell yeah Todd remind us what do you do for a living I work for a company that does countertops. Countertops. I do credit for them.

That's right. Yeah, that's exciting. Wow. See, it's interesting that you put down countertops and then use them to eat continuously. Yeah. Well, I have to test out the product. Right. Of course.

And remind me again of what your wife does when she's not gasping for her final breaths. Perhaps if you get a chance, you could tell. Like, what is her occupation when she's not begging for her life? When she's not changing your sleep apnea filter. Perhaps. You mean when she's not wondering what it would be like to be with a man with smaller tits than her?

Yeah. What does she do for work? Well, she works for... Because sometimes I forget when I'm looking at you what she does for work because I just picture her continuously going through the bed picking out pieces of potato chips that you left in there. She's not dildoing herself with the empty Pringles can

that you leave next to the bed. Hashtag dildo party. The Pringles guy is like a 49er or something, right? I don't know. He looks like one. He's got an eye patch or something, right? I don't know. He looks like one. He's got an eye patch. Yeah, yeah. I don't know.

So remind me again. What does your wife do again when she's not yelling at you for... You look like Jeremiah's pubes on your face. That's it. That is incredible. My goodness. I had to get on the stage somehow. So what does your wife do?

I always forget. She works at an architectural hardware store. Oh, hell yeah. Wow. It's probably easier for her to find her wood than it is for her to find yours. Hardware store. Does Caroline have any questions for Todd? That's a good question,

really putting Caroline on the spot here, but she can handle it. She's a cold-blooded assassin. Do you have any questions for Todd Royce? Have you ever seen anything like this before? Do you also park in handicap spots? Ha ha ha ha ha. Heck yeah.

Boom. Caroline Heck yeah. Boom. Caroline Smith. Two golden ticket winners going head to head right now. Heck yeah. This is a fucking slaughter fest. Anything else? Anything else for Ty? You good?

You just got a full blown applause break. I don't want to put any pressure on you at all. You good? I mean, you just got a full-blown applause break. I don't want to put any pressure on you at all. You good? I love it. You're damn right. Hell yeah. You don't know how, but you know when to walk away. Now, before we end tonight's episode,

I want to acknowledge something. Like I mentioned earlier, you are all-time... You've just basically been, for some reason, you've been organically just owning the band since you made your first appearance on this show.

Normally, the band comes out on top in everything. Mexican drum-offs, pubic hair competitions, really everything they ever do. But meanwhile, your first time on stage. I saw three dicks last night for no reason. That's true. There is a new segment on the show. Some of you may have seen it. It's called Show Jeremiah Your Dick.

Three guys came backstage and I commentated what their dicks look like. There was one guy that said he had a big dick. We said, show Jeremiah your dick. And then all of a sudden there was this, I guess it was a very aggressive gay man that's like, no, me, I'm going to show Jeremiah my dick. And then he went back and started showing Jeremiah his dick and then just a midget crawled up out of nowhere

and decided to just go, he just ran over. Oh, wait, there he is. Hell yeah, look at this guy. Stand up on your seat, take a bow Alright, no, there's not show your dick chance Alright That's what I was going to say What is this, skank fest?

My god Anyway, the nice gay man He showed me his pierced penis. It had four piercings in it. And also, he's like, but wait, there's more. Pulled up his ball sack and showed me his taint, which was also pierced. It's a great new recurring bit. Show Jeremiah your dick.

I think it's really going to catch on. Yeah. Heck yeah. Could happen at any point. Who knows when the next one might be. So wait, do I have to show Jeremiah my dick now? No, no. Even though he spends all his day searching for gold,

I don't think he's going to find that thing. Heck yeah. That's the first time that crotch area smelled like Axe before. So like I was saying, the band normally comes out on top of everything, and you have Potty Slam Jeremiah on the hardwood. Now, let me remind everyone,

Todd is a side gig for the last 18 years, a professional wrestler, believe that or not. Big man, very agile. The American wet dream. That's right, the American wet dream, Todd Royce. And you have body slammed Jeremiah on the hard floors of the Aladdin Theater

in Portland. You have put Joel, Joel is the only person to ever be put through a table in the history of the main room of the Comedy Store. Even I was very concerned and scared for that. And I guess tonight maybe we should do something else. Do you guys think to close the episode?

Should we close it with a bang? What do you think, Todd? What could we do? You know what I could do? I've already owned both of them. Maybe at the same time, I chokeslam them right through the stage. Oh! Would that be a way to

end the show? Alright, well, let's fucking do it. I mean, are you guys sure you want to see this? To end Kill Tony Mania, he's going to own the band again and chokeslam them on the stage floor. Now, this is not a regulation wrestling ring at all. Yeah, no, that'll be fine.

That'll be fine. Let's see what happens here. Now, he can't go through the table. I would say yes. I would say I guess I guess yeah, that's probably good. That's Oh, shit. that's probably good. Do you want to see them go straight to the stage?

Oh, shit. He's saying he's going to chokeslam them through the stage. I can't believe that the band is going to get dominated again like this. This is incredible. How about this? Oh, my God. Wait a second. The band just high-fived. Wait a second. the band just high-fived

Wait a second Oh my god Oh my god One, two, three Holy shit Oh my god The band got their revenge Holy shit

Holy shit Holy shit Wow The band getting their revenge on Todd Royce Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Wow! The band getting their revenge on Todd Royce. They just chokeslammed him on the stage floor. Absolutely so ridiculous. How about a hand for the great Todd Royce, everybody? He's got the golden ticket, and he's a hell of a showman, everyone.

Unbelievable performance for Todd Royce. He came all the way from Portland, Oregon for this. How about another one for Todd, huh? Hey, look at the drawing from Ryan J. Ebald that he did while you all sat there doing nothing. Hey, look at that guy over there, Prospector Bartholomew. Spoiler alert, it was Jeremiah Watkins the entire time, everyone. The leader of the band. Headlining Huntington Beach, November 16th, St. Louis the 29th and 30th, San Diego the 6th, and December 19th and 21st in Kansas City.

JeremiahWatkins.com for tickets and listen to Jeremiah Wonders. January 2nd and 3rd in Chicago at it as well. How about one more time? Silent but deadly, always batting a thousand, the great and powerful Chroma Chris, everyone. Chroma. Wait, wait, wait.

Real quick, I want to remind everybody, there's a big gay calendar out there of the Kill Tony band. That's right. And no one knows more about big gay calendars than the Kill Tony band. How about one more time for Todd Royce? Chroma Chris, what do you think about tonight's episode? I think you struck gold, Tony.

All right. And how loud can this place get for the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, huh? One of the favorites here. Caroline Smith, is there anything you'd like to plug or promote? Can you give us like a social media or anything you really want to do? Shout out to Caroline Smith's family for coming out all the way from Durham, North Carolina,

for having the incredible sense of humor and fucking I mean it just takes such a cool family I think to support your you know dirty little evil 17 year old daughter in an art form like this and it just goes to show how cool you are and that's how you make cool people like Caroline

Caroline anything else you want to promote or plug or really anything I got Instagram yeah what are you on Instagram? It's at Caroline Smith and the E in Caroline is a three. Heck yeah. So it's C-A-R-O-L-I-N

three S-M-I-T-H. You could be one of the first people to follow the goddamn future of stand-up comedy. And we'll tag you in the photo for this show if anybody wants to find her. Say that again? We'll tag you in the photo for this show if anybody wants to find her. Say that again? We'll tag her in the photo we take after, so if you want to

find her, it'll be on the kill tone. Absolutely, that's a good point. How about one more time for William Montgomery? One more time for David Lucas. Thank you so much to Nicole Tran for singing a song on the pre-show. Tristan was with us all weekend. Shout out to in the audience tonight, some special guests.

John Gallagher, one of the other few golden ticket winners in the history of this show. Shout out to Bridget Bennett for killing it all week with us. And thank you so much to everybody that had any part of any of the shows. Sacramento and San Francisco absolutely stole our hearts this week. And even though it was a lot of work, we had so much fucking fun with you. And that's right. Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, D.C., Columbus, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, and Calgary. More dates coming up. I think they might be announced as early as Monday.

Brian Redband. Thanks a lot, guys. We love you, San Francisco. Thank you so much. Good night.ララララララララ 貴方の魂 ラララララララ 貴方の魂 ラララララララ 貴方の魂 ララララララララ 貴方の魂

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