KILL TONY - KILL TONY #406

Episode Date: October 24, 2019

Dom Irerra, Josh Wolf, David Lucas, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 10/21/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping! Promo code searching! It takes skill! Speed! Sweat! Unless we're talking Kudo's new phone, internet, and streaming bundle. With the Happy Stack, you can sit back and stack up the savings on Kudo Internet,

a sweet phone plan, Netflix, Disney Plus, and Amazon Prime. All starting at just $99 a month. Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack, only at CUDO. Conditions apply. This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook.

19-plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. The best adventures are the ones we share. So explore together with the 2023 Defender 130. Featuring increased cargo capacity and room for eight adults. With unstoppable off-road capability, excellent on-road dynamics, 21st century connectivity and luxury interiors, you'll be capable of great things. The 2023 Defender 130. Adventure. Share widely. Contact your Land Rover authorized dealer for details.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every episode of kill tony including past episodes video portions to the show and if you click on tour dates you can come see us live we are this week going to be in australia october 25th brisbane october 26 melbourne october 27th sydney and then november 7th we are in Washington, D.C. We added a second show because the first show sold out. So check us out in Washington, D.C., November 7th. December 12th, we're going to be in our hometown, Columbus, Ohio, at the Newport Music Hall. December 14th, we're going to be in Pittsburgh. December 15th in Cleveland. So go to Death Squad and click on

tour dates for all the up toto-date information and ticket links. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his stand-up shows and a bunch of merch. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He has a brand new Kill Tony book shipping now. So go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSqu shop squad.tv there you have the official

kill tony shirts that uh just went on sale and they're almost sold out so you haven't got one give it now we also have death squad hats and shirts brand new check it out shop squad.tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the world famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcliff. Hey, everybody. It's Monday. Come oncliffe. Hey, everybody. It's Monday.

Come on. Make some noise, everybody. We're here. How exciting. We are live streaming across the world on the internet at YouTube slash Kill Tony. How exciting. You guys excited to be here on a Monday? Very fun.

We just got back from six sold-out shows. Kill Tony Mania was an insane success in Sacramento and San Francisco at Punchline and Cobbs. And then no rest for the wicked. This Wednesday, we fly to Australia for the first time ever for the Kill Tony podcast. Brisbane on Friday,

Melbourne Saturday, and Sydney on Sunday. Tickets still available for the second added show in Washington, D.C. November 7th and a weekend of stand-up after that. November 23rd, Storcade Pro Wrestling live at the Comedy Store with my other podcast The Store Horseman. How exciting

is that? A wrestling ring in the middle of this room. Columbus, Kill Tony the 12th of December, the 14th of December in Pittsburgh and the 15th of December in Cleveland at the House of Blues. We go back to Ohio. How exciting. The road, the road, the road.

And that's going to do it for 2020. Hey, look, it's Ryan J. Ebell right there, everybody, the house artist. Drew six successful shows in San Francisco this weekend, and he has extra posters from Kill Tony Mania that if you buy one, we'll all sign it, take a picture with you, whatever. Jeremiah Watkins still has the classic Big Gay calendar featuring the band, the

2020 calendar. Many are still available. Who would guess that paper calendars aren't selling off the shelves like hotcakes. Jeremiah headlines Huntington Beach, the 16th of November, St. Louis Helium, November 29th and 30th Kansas City the 19th and 21st of December and

Chicago Zanies Rosemont January 2nd and 4th in the San Diego December 6th how about a hand for Jeremiah getting out there turning into a real fucking headliner this is my feature on the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour he's all grown up now how

exciting the new brand new Kill Tony shirts are available for feature on the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour. He's all grown up now. How exciting. The brand new Kill Tony shirts are available for sale. ShopSquad.tv and that's very exciting stuff and let's just get right into it, shall we? You guys want to fucking jump right into it?

I book a lot of guests for this show. It's not easy. Hiring can be a slow process. Finding the right candidate to be a guest or be an employee in any way is not easy. Like Cafe Altura's COO, Dylan Miskiewicz, needed to hire a director of coffee for his organic coffee company, but he was having trouble finding qualified applicants. So he switched to ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter doesn't depend on candidates finding you.

It finds them for you. Its technology identifies people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job. So you get a qualified candidate fast. Dylan posted his job on ZipRecruiter, and he said he was impressed by how quickly he had great candidates apply. He also used ZipRecruiter's candidate rating feature to filter his applications so he could focus on the most relevant ones. And that's how Dylan found his new director of coffee in just a few days. With results like that, it's no wonder four out of five employees who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. See why ZipRecruiter is effective for businesses of all sizes.

Try ZipRecruiter for free at our web address, ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash K-I-L-L-T-O-N-Y. ZipRecruiter.com slash killtony. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. You guys ready to find out who tonight's guests are, huh? You may already know if you have the internet at all, social media of any kind. It's two of our favorite guests in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great and powerful Dom Irera and Josh Wolfe, everybody! Wow.

Wow. On a Monday night. Hell yeah. The great Dom Irera. The legend killer, Josh Wolfe, monsters of comedy, joining us again to meet a bunch of people

that signed up for the show. Welcome back, gentlemen. Good to have you. Thank you for having us. Hell yeah. There you go. Nope, I'm saving it for the show. Josh is the host of the very fun podcast, Control Chaos.

I'm still rocking my Pumas that I got from that. Very fun show. This guy just hit one million subscribers on YouTube, everybody. What the fuck? Just this week. He also has a podcast, Prince and the Wolf. He's at Cobb's all this weekend where we just were. We left you.

Maybe you'll probably find a lot of pot and scattered around that green room still. Also in my pockets. Heck yeah. There's probably plates of falafel still sitting there too. We ordered Mediterranean all weekend and nobody ate the falafel. Dom Irera is in Vegas this weekend at the Tropicana. Next weekend. Next weekend.

Oh, next weekend. Love of God, get that one fucking thing right. I'm trying my best up here, Tony. He's going to be in Long Island at Governor's Comedy Club after that. And Thanksgiving weekend,

he's in Philly at Helium going back home. Yeah, seeing the people, the little people, the scum and the vermin who didn't make it, but I did. I'm so excited you guys are here.

I'm all jacked up on delicious caveman coffee. This is my favorite stuff in the world, the nitro cold brew coffee. I'm telling you. I used to go to the store, spend a bunch of dumb money on fancy, stupid L.A. coffee, and now I have these bad boys that get shipped right to my door. Use the promo code KILTONI, save 20%. How beautiful is that? What are the odds that it's an advertisement of something I actually drink?

Walk. Oh, delicious. We have a band on this show. How many of you know this show at all? How many of you know about the band, huh? The band is the secret weapon of this show. Absolutely hilarious. Some of my funniest friends. When I tell you that they are coming off of pure momentum from this week in San Francisco and Sacramento, I mean it.

They absolutely destroyed, including the undeniably greatest Mexican drum off of all time this weekend happened in San Francisco. Are you guys there? Okie dokie. I present to you the best damn band in the land. Every single episode they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. They have a separate green room than us, so maybe it's characters that we've seen before,

the return of some legendary characters, or maybe it's brand-new characters debuting for the first time. They were the Golden Girls for the second show, Friday night for the first time ever, and they actually looked like the Golden Girls, sort of a zombie version of the Golden Girls, but still. I'm not saying I'm old, but I was they actually looked like the Golden Girls. Sort of a zombie version of the Golden Girls, but still. I'm not saying I'm old, but I was on two versions of the Golden Girls.

You were on two episodes of the Golden Girls? Yes. Wow. How sad is that, huh? Where were you? Fucking, I want to stab myself. Where were you, Dorothy's stuntman or something? What were you doing on there?

I was a produce man in a supermarket, obviously, and then I was a waiter. Do you remember your lines? Yeah, I go, nice melons. And she goes, thank you. Wow. Sad card. There you go.

Did you get to bang Blanche at all in any of the episodes? I fingered her. Hey, beautiful. Let's find out what the band is tonight. Some of the funniest people that I know. It's the best stand band in the land, the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Chroma Chris, and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Whoa!

Oh, wow. We know these guys. These are comedians from the 70s, everybody. 80s, 80s comedians. I got corrected very quickly there. Not 70s, definitely 80s. We've seen these guys before. Very, very fun guys to have on Kill Tony.

This is very exciting. What do you call a blowjob while getting a call? Headphones. I mean, come on. Oh, wow. Yes. That is just a taste of some of the incredible comedy these comedians from the 80s have in store. Headphones.

Look out. So that's Jeremiah. Remind me of this character's name again. Hey, Zippy. How are you doing, everybody? Wow, Zippy. It's good to be here tonight. Good to be here.

80s comedian for sure. Next to him. Wow. Looking, zippy. He's gonna be here tonight. Gonna be here. 80s comedian for sure. Next to him, wow, looking good, pal. What's your name? Hey, Tony, name's Jeff. Hey, Tony, can you believe this? Can you believe this? My wife said, I think our son is autistic. Autistic? Our son's drawings

look like shit to me? Hey! Wow. Wow, that's it. That was a. Wow. That was a good one. That was a good one. Is this a show? Yeah. It's the very beginning, Dom. We're still getting into it.

That guy, Jeff, right? Your name's Jeff? That is correct. Alright, good. I love this. I've always wondered what Howard Stern would look like with Crohn's disease. That's correct. All right, good. I love this. I've always wondered what Howard Stern would look like with Crohn's disease. That's exciting. Crohn's disease? And then back here, we have what appears to be a caramel macchiato in a suit.

How are you, buddy? What's going on? Name's Phillip, Tony. Phillip? Yeah, have you tried this falafel stuff? Actually, I didn't this weekend. It's really good, but after I eat it, I feel awful. 80s comedians, people.

Doesn't get much worse than that. It's hilarious and the worst at the same time. 80s comedians joining us with Josh Wolfe, Dom Irera, Brian Soundboard. Which brings me to this, the bucket of destiny, everybody. It's where the magic happens. This thing just went to San Francisco and Sacramento with us, and now it's back home before the show. Over 100 comedians, they're all over here.

Make some noise, comedians. Over 100 comedians signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. Sometimes it's audience members that sign up. Anybody has a chance to before the show starts. Now the names are in the bucket. And if I pull your name out, that means you get to do 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up comedy and then get interviewed by me and my illustrious panel.

We find out more about you, what's interesting about you, make fun of you, if there's something bad about you or ugly about you, and then we fly through it. You know your 60 seconds uninterrupted is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. There you go. There you go. Isn't that funny? It gets funnier every time because the bear is louder than the cat.

You guys ready to start this show or what? Okay, I guess we won't then. That's just not enough energy to start this show or what? Okay, I guess we won't then. That's just not enough energy to start the show. So I guess maybe we'll go do it in the belly room in front of a different audience. You guys ready to start this show here live in the main room? Then here we go. It's Kill Tony live. The Comedy Store main room.

Episode 404. We just hit episode 400 in Sacramento. 403? Yeah, 404, sure. hit episode 400 in Sacramento. 403? Yeah, 404, sure. Anyway, here we go. Put your hands together for your first comedian tonight. He goes by the name of Robert Scott. Robert Scott will start the show.

Not an easy position. Could be this guy's first time. Maybe he's been doing it for five years. Maybe he's been doing it for 30 years. You never know. Maybe he was once an 80s comedian. All right. Here comes Robert Scott.

Band's rocking. Everything's moving. Here we go. One more time for your first comedian of the night, Robert Scott. Hi. I'm the guy you swipe left on. I love dating in L.A. It's quite different from where I grew up.

I'm originally from the country where the only black guy we saw was on A Housewife. But L.A.'s great. Everyone in here is so exotic. Whatever you're into, L.A.'s got it. If you like gays, there's WeHo. If you're into Asians, go to K-Town. If you like bums, just go back to WeHo.

If you like minorities, tell Twitter. I'm just saying, it's so easy to get laid in LA if you just don't care. Last Tuesday, I hooked up with a dirty-talking school teacher who wanted me to role-play as one of her students. No problem. I like learning. It wasn't until later I found out she taught special ed. I don't know what that says about my performance, so I called her up.

And when she answered, I asked, did I do okay? Without skipping a beat, she're out off three critiques. Your wallpaper's peeling, your toilet's got freckles, and I paid for dinner. Needless to say, I didn't get an AMI report card. Wow. There you go. Here we go. And the show has begun.

Robert Scott coming out guns a-blazin'. Trying to. Shooting hot blanks all over the room when the show started. How long have you been doing stand-up, Robert? This is the first time. First time ever, thank God. Oh, my goodness.

Thank you, Jesus. There goes my first question, which was, had you tried those jokes anywhere else? No. Just my living room. Heck, yeah. In your living room? Did they work those jokes anywhere else? No. Just my living room. Heck yeah. In your living room? Did they work in your living room?

No. Did your cat kill itself when you ran those jokes by it? Hey, was your special needs student Kermit the Frog? I didn't want to go too offensive. You know, full reach. Oh, you didn't? Wow. Can we just hear what you consider full?

What would that sound like if you were going to do it? Sure, why not? We're on the internet. We can't get canceled. I don't know. Probably something a little more deaf, I guess. Yeah, like what? Like what?

I don't know. You don't know? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, my God. Is this an old black man? What the hell? I don't know. I don't know. Something like this. Oh, my God. Is this an old black man? What the hell?

No clue. Wow. So is that what you do? No, I'm a marketing manager for a finance company. Oh, okay. Everything else, you know, everybody does this in L.A., I guess. There was a line that you basically opened up with. A black guy on a housewife.

Yes. What did you mean by that? Domestic violence. There are not a lot of ethnicities where I'm from, I guess. When you explain it, it's even worse. 80s comedian. My goodness.

Dom, what did you think about this guy? Well, first of all, I liked the way he timed it where there were no, like, laughs, you know? He really spoke very clearly. I liked the way you fucking took your time like you were going to give us some fucking big present. I got held up by the chair. I love the fact that you don't seem to give a shit.

It was amazing. Thank you. What that you don't seem to give a shit. It was amazing. Thank you. What material lost to that? What didn't make that set? Yeah. Did you write any jokes that you're like, oh, this isn't good enough if I get 60 seconds?

Can you give us an example of a joke that didn't make the cut that's worse, you think? I had a rape joke. I almost guarantee, by the way, I'll guarantee right now that whatever... You have another one? Yeah, I have another one. Okay, so I'll guarantee right now that whatever joke he does right now is funnier than all the jokes he did during his set. Anybody want to take my bet?

Go ahead. Do the joke that didn't make the cut. I Ubered here. I love this one. It's already better. Go ahead. I found out Uber has a new feature called silent mode They had installed quiet time because too many dudes Used it to pick up chicks

I guess Uber didn't know rapes occur in silence Has anyone ever told you That you talk like a Mass murderer Yeah You also you sound a lot like the guy Like a bad version of the guy that says the things at the end

of like a pharmaceutical commercial. There's no pauses. You set up the joke perfectly and then you just ramble through everything else. So, hi everybody. How you guys doing tonight? Good, all right. Well, I took an Uber here

and then the next thing you know, the design line, thank you very much. Nobody can understand what the fuck you're saying. I'm a little nervous. Are you a little nervous? Just a little bit. What's the craziest thing that you've ever done performance-wise before this moment here tonight?

The last time I was in front of a group like this was in preschool. Wow, preschool? You had a bunch of adults at your preschool? Yeah. I had to apologize to the whole school for stealing soup supper tickets. I see you just did it again. We don't know what you said there at the end. Probably got in a bunch of trouble.

Stealing soup supper tickets. Soup supper? Yes. What's soup supper? I don't know. It's like a spaghetti dinner of some kind. Where are you from? Where the fuck is this place where the only way you can find a black guy is on a housewife? And somehow that's a domestic violence joke, by the way. I still don't.

It means black eye. A black eye. I just got it. Oh. It's a creeper. It took an 80s comedian to figure out how bad that joke was. He's like, well, I get it, Tony. Hey, can I have that?

So what do you do for fun, Robert? You just had your first time doing stand-up comedy. What are hobbies like for you? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to fucking chug water and eat white bread, just very right down the middle. It's my prison diet. Yeah. comedy. What are hobbies like for you? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to fucking chug water and eat white bread, like, just, like, very, like, right down the middle, like... It's my prison diet. Yeah. Uh, no, uh, I don't know what I, what I like to do for fun. Come on, you play marbles or something?

What are we talking about? No, I, I like to make up my own captions for Instagram photos. Oh, like, like you make memes. Uh, no, no, well, internal memes in my head. Internal memes? Internal memes, that's one of my favorite songs from Lady Gaga. Yeah. So you write memes in your head.

Yeah, just past the time. Do your memes sound like you? Like is the top line like a good setup and then the bottom's just like, yeah, ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. I tried to sound like the person that would sound in the photo. Oh, you do impersonations? No, no, no. Not at all.

Do you have any other special skills or talents or anything like that? Good at anything? You ever win a trophy at anything? I've won probably, I don't know, at least 50 McTrivia contests. McTrivia? Yeah, it's where they give you a free, what is this called? McGriddles. Where are you from? I still haven't gotten an answer.

What Willy Wonka fucking playland you grew up in? Indiana is where I'm from. Indiana. What part? Near Fort Wayne, am I correct? Yes. Yeah, middle of fucking nowhere. I knew it. God, that is a godforsaken place. I heard you had a good time there. What? You had a good time in Fort Wayne twice. No, we didn't. We've been

miserable every time we've gone to Fort Wayne. Every other city other than... Where'd you guys go? What was the place? What the... What are we... Were we having a fucking conversation right now? Oh, we were.

We went and played some McTrivia. That's where we performed at. My goodness. Then we took a big McShit. Ooh, ah, ooh. What's your love life like, Robert? Are the ladies in your life as silent as the audience is? Not exactly.

I don't know. Girls here are so crazy. I'm sorry. Tell me about it. What's so crazy about the girls, Robert? The last girl I dated, she went into urgent care with a sore throat and came out with a miscarriage. Was it your... Was the miscarriage yours?

I think so. I don't know. She told me. She sent me a picture of her bloody panties. It was a pile of shit. Oh, wow. All right there, Zippy. That was shooting your shot.

So she sent you a picture of bloody underwear and said, hey, I had a miscarriage? Yeah, she didn't use those words, though. Not for like a week. She called it a chemical pregnancy. I had no idea what that was. Wow. Hey, he has killed someone for sure. Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

My goodness. See, the jokes that you make are as strong as the babies that you make, obviously. That's right, I guess. All right. Wow. Come on. Let's give him some

credit, really. Seriously, he's relaxed. And he went from here to there. Come on. Let's give him some credit, really. Seriously, he's relaxed. Yeah. And he went from here to there. At least he's talking to us. I don't know what the fuck he's saying either. But you've got to give him credit for that.

He's standing up there. I agree. And you know what? Dom's the fucking senior. I was on Golden Girls. Dom's the fucking senior leader of us all, so he gave you a good report, and especially, I guess, for your first time, you stayed in the pocket, you answered the questions,

you fucking got the show started. It's not an easy position, especially when you're you. Put your hands together for Robert Scott, everybody. There he goes. He's on social media at Whitespace, all one word. He just had his first time doing stand-up here live on Kill Tony. There you go.

So there you go. That's how the show works. That's a guy's first time. Let's keep this fun train moving along. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Greg Berman. Greg Berman. Wow, here he is. One more time for Greg Berman.

Hi, hello. I should say this right off the bat because I can tell you're all looking at me and judging me. I am a refugee in this country seeking religious freedom. I can just see all you white people going, like, who's this fucking foreigner? You're silent because you didn't know that refugees could be white. I legitimately can. I am. I moved to America from Ukraine.

You're welcome for the impeachment thing. I'm sorry about Chernobyl. Although, you know what? If you're still upset about Chernobyl, imagine how Japanese people feel about you. But, you know, it's nice. It's kind of... It's nice. I'm like an incognito, you know, refugee.

You wouldn't even know. You know, like, I sound like a Midwestern news anchor and look like a rookie cop on vacation. But on the inside, in my head, my inner voice in here is just like, hello, everyone. You have nice face. You look like sexy Russian bear. That's what's in my head all the time.

I could walk right by Donald Trump and he'd be like, grab yourself a pussy, young man. And I'd be like, oh, is that what you guys do here? That's fun. Okay. That's cool. All right. There you go.

Greg Berman, everyone. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Wow. You're so wacky, Greg. I'm doing my best. How's it going, man? I've never seen a nerd

on steroids before. I know, right? I've never seen a nerd on steroids before. I know, right? I just I'm tired of breaking pencils during math assignments. So let's get this right. You came out guns a blazing playing the refugee card. Now we know it's hard for white

males to get work nowadays, but what you're doing is pretty pathetic, right? Trying to slide into that pocket. It's me, I swear to God. I'm from somewhere else. How long ago did you move here from the Ukraine? I was seven. It was in 98.

So whenever that was. 20 years? 20 years. Wow. Still talking about it. Yeah. It's like, get over it already. It's relevant again.

Are you an American citizen? I am when I was 17. Heck yeah. It's relevant again. Are you an American citizen? I am when I was 17. Heck yeah. So there you go. You ever go and visit the Ukraine? I have not been back. Actually, my parents won't let me. They're afraid that if I go, I might get drafted.

Oh. That might happen. Yeah, probably. Just show up because that guy did. Probably. Did they let gays in their military? Don't ask. Don't tell.

There is just a little Freddie Mercury energy coming off you. Oh, that's such a compliment. I'll take that. Hell yeah. All right. What? How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Like 10 years.

10 years? Wow. Dom, I saw you grab your microphone immediately. What do you think about this guy? Ten years in the game. I was thinking about a month. You know what, though? He looked like a pro, didn't he?

Yeah. The movement and the whole thing. And I think that, honestly, obviously you need stronger material. But in conversation, it must be nice just relaxing with you and hanging out. He did. He looked like a pro. By chance, the audio went out on the stream, but the video kept rolling. These people probably

think this guy destroyed. He just looks like a rock star. Who influenced you to try it? What influenced you to try it or who? I was a magician for a long time before I started doing stand-up. Well, stop hiding your jokes.

Nailed it. The Goat, Dom Irera. Hey, the one thing I would say is just straight-up comedy. You've been doing it 10 years. You know that you wasted 20. So you only got a minute. You don't need to tell everybody that we don't know that white people can be refugees.

Just get into your fucking jokes. You know what I mean? I mean, you wasted at least 20% of your minute. It's interesting. Telling us something we didn't care about. So I'd love to know how horrible of a magician you must have been to quit that and to start. How long were you magicianing for? How long did you do that?

I mean, I think I started doing magic like seventh grade. I had a dove for a little bit. I've actually owned two doves in my life. One died. I got a new one. Hell yeah. Did it die on stage? No, no, it did not.

It just died in its cage or was it in your sleeve or something like that? Apparently it had kidney failure because it was inbred. I didn't realize a lot of white doves, they're inbred. The albino doves, frequently inbred. Wow. A little lesson for everybody. Look at that. Absolutely. They fucking lesson for everybody. Look at that. Absolutely.

You're welcome. They fucking love that lesson. Look at that. I can just picture the dove watching you do your act. Right.

So I got a new one. I need an audience. So do you know any could you do are there any tricks that you could do for us right now? Is there anything we could give you, like a ball?

Oh, you know what, no, I can do something. Here you go. Really? Wow. Okay. Here, let's do it. Let's get some. Okay, this is an everybody, everyone trick. So everyone go like this.

Put your hands out. Just straight in front of you. Okay, here we go. Wow, thank you. Then take your hands, flip them like this. Uh-huh. Okay. Then one hand over the other and grab them like this.

Okay. Don't do the, you know, this. Is everybody doing it? That's not the trick. Yeah, down here. Okay, good. Now, it's important that your thumbs are straight down. Uh-huh.

Is everyone doing it? Now, everyone do as I do. Ready? Here we go. Okay, here we go. He's twisting his hands. Whoa. Wow.

They can't do it. That's the trick, is that they can't do it, and I did it. Wow, that's incredible. Welcome to another episode of Gay Magic with Greg Berman. This is incredible. Up next, he's going to make a dildo appear out of his asshole. That magic trick put the ooh in ooh crane. Oh, my God.

They're 80s comedians, people. Wow. That's incredible. So magician and comedy. So you have two things that your parents are disappointed in you for. That's amazing, Greg. What are your parents like? They still live in America?

Yeah, they're in Minnesota. That's where I'm from. Oh, okay, cool. What do your parents like? They still live in America? Yeah, they're in Minnesota. That's where I'm from. Oh, okay, cool. What do you like to do for fun? Give us a fun fact about you, Greg. What do I like to do for fun? I like to play guitar. That's like the one thing I do that's not performance related that I'm not trying to... That's a bad

thing to say because you guys are going to make fun of me. Let me dial that back. I just like playing guitar. How does that sound? Who do you play in front of? Girls? Oh, myself. My doves. My doves. No, I had to give my dove away. I don't have him anymore. How long ago did you do that?

Shortly before I moved to LA. When did you move to LA? About three years ago. Absolutely. What part of town do you live in? By the Hollywood Bowl. By the Hollywood Bowl. Why did you say it like that? Because you're like jotting and I'm like,

you're really gathering some information. Do you want to know a specific address? I wasn't jotting down your address. That's not what I was jotting down. Just other notes related to... I do a little math problem in my fucking head. I write down how long the person's been here, what they fucking talked about.

You got a problem with my fucking notes, dude? No, I'm sorry. No one's ever questioned me on this. You did get very Russian there. You said, you want to know specific address? Yeah. I can tell you. Turned into a Ukrainian Uber driver real quick.

You look like if Jeffrey Dahmer did CrossFit. That's true. That's true. That's absolutely true. He looks like if Jeffrey Dahmer instead of eating corpses ate creatine. Has anyone ever told you that before? Yeah, a couple times.

It's a reoccurring theme. Fun times, man. You got through it. We'd love to probably hear other jokes. Anything else, Dom? What do you got for this guy? I live closer to Hollywood. We should hang out. You said you'd like to have a chat. I'm down. Heck yeah. Absolutely.

Dom plays very well with Serial Killers, yeah. That's right. How about one more time for Greg Berman, everybody? He's on social media at Berman Comedy. Tonight. Everybody have fun tonight. How about a hand for the band, everyone?

New songs every episode. They practice for hours right before the episode, coming up with new music for you guys every time. They practice for hours right before the episode coming up with new music for you guys every time. Alright. This looks like an interesting name. Mario Caballero? Am I saying that right? If your name is Mario C-A-B-A, it's you.

Mario Caballere? Caballar? Cabaleve? Mario? Mario Caballere. Caballar. Cabalese. Mario. Hey, shine that light out there one more time. Shine that light out there. Keep going. Keep going.

Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. What the? All right. That's good. Now.

Hey. All right. Hold on. I just wanted to see what that was. There's a guy with what appears to be a toilet on his head. It's just very. There it is right there. My God.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to pull names out of a bucket. You know what I mean? Sometimes I wish I could just be to pull names out of a bucket. You know what I mean? Sometimes I wish I could just be like, all right, you. Pull the name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Bando, everyone. Bando. All right.

Here we go. You spin me right round, baby, right round Here he is, Bando, everybody. Oh, come on, that's pathetic. Keep it going for the band, guys. Come on. Keep it going for your panel. Love this shit. God.

So as you guys can tell from my hat, I'm racist. No, I'm not. I'm from Cleveland originally. I think I have one little half a woo. That's about what I expected. But, you know, and I'm Sicilian. I grew up, you know, in an old school house, you know. I'm in my 40s, and, you know, like my grandpa taught me what it means, you know, to be a man, you know. Chivalrous, hardworking, abusive, you know. But, you know, that's not me. I'm not that guy.

I never could be that guy. I'm not hardworking, okay? So I came to California, and I'm trying to be woke in 2019, trying to be, I don't know, I'm doing like the infrared sauna twice a week, trying to sweat out all that toxic masculinity,'t know, I'm doing like the infrared sauna twice a week, trying to sweat out all that toxic masculinity, you know what I'm saying?

You know? But it's hard the rules keep changing, it's a lot of energy a lot of work to be woke, I'd rather just take a nap I don't know There you go Everybody's pushing into the bear tonight, Bando I didn't hear it. I'm sorry.

Like a record, baby. Right. Round, round, round. Okay. Bando. Very good. You say you're a racist. You're from Cleveland. It's funny you mention that because tickets just went on sale for our big Kiltonian Cleveland right after we go to Pittsburgh and Columbus in the middle of December.

Heck yeah. Is that where you still live? No, no. I live in Orange County, but I'm originally from Cleveland, so I got a lot of connections. How long have you been in Orange County? Well, I lived in the Bay Area for 10 years and moved to Orange County about three years ago. I've been to California about 15 years. Wow.

Look at you. What made you come out here? Honestly, it's like some custody stuff with my kid. Running from child support. I just needed to get the fuck out of the same old grind and the same old people. So a buddy of mine was a roommate. So you had custody problems with your kid in Cleveland? Yeah, yeah.

So I'm guessing you didn't get the kid? Well, now we speak every day. He's 21. Oh, okay. But I was out of his life from 2 to 16, 14 years. Hell yeah. How did he turn out? Good? He's a good kid, yeah. He's a good kid. He years. Hell yeah. How did he turn out? Good?

He's a good kid, yeah. He's super smart, hard worker. What is he up to now? He's all about the DMT and the fucking acid. But he goes to work every day. Yeah, he turned out great. He's at Cleveland. He's not on opiates.

I'm happy. You know what I'm saying? Right. Absolutely. His racist father is... He's a smart, hard working kid. Very good. Is he racist too?

Absolutely You have to be out there Really? No I'm just kidding Come on man 2020 almost We can't be like that anymore It's bullshit

But I mean But you wish you could right? Are you sad about it? No You know you travel People talk different All over the country Yeah

And people say things That would sound racist In LA.A. for sure, but they're just talking and they don't mean it in a bad way. I encounter that and sometimes my buddy's like, oh, yeah, this, you know. Give us a good example, like one of your favorite ones. Yeah, like what? Okay, so my buddy will be like, oh, my God, you should have seen. I went to the grocery store the other day, and the Shine cashier was really sweet.

He meant it in a positive way, but it was so racist. What did you just say? Shine. I said shine. I don't know what to say. Wait, you almost said the N-word? No, I didn't. Did you think about it? I was asked for a racist example. Don't fuck with context. Can't fuck with context.

You can be racist without thinking about the N-word. My goodness, That is incredible. Wow. Alright, anyways. Next. Have you ever racially stereotyped someone just to figure out that you were wrong about something? Like, were you ever suspicious of someone or something, and then...

I'm a different dude than I was when I was growing up. Let's put it that way. So I've seen all ends of the spectrum. I'm talking about the guy that when you were growing up, Bando. That's what I'm talking about. That guy? The young guy? The guy who got those tattoos. Yeah. That's all of me. I want to know about bad

decisions, Bando. Bad decisions? I don't know. Who doesn't make bad decisions? What do you do for work? I actually owned a security company for seven years. Just sold it in April. Thank you very much. All my employees kept their jobs. And I'm kind of just security consultant. And I'm opening up an open mic spot in Long Beach.

I've signed the lease tomorrow. It's called Therapeutic Noise. So a little plug, plug. And I'm putting on corporate shows and stuff like that for other comics and stuff like that. I got Dean Del Rey at the Newport Beach. American Legion Hall, November 14th. You're going to be a killer show. You landed Dean Del Rey? What's that. I got Dean Del Rey at the Newport Beach. American Legion Hall, November 14th. You're going to be a killer show. You landed Dean Del Rey?

What's that? You landed Dean Del Rey? How the hell? How the fuck did you do that? I like Dean. He's a good dude. Absolutely. Anyway, my plugs.

What? Absolutely. Hey, I'm a little afraid of him. Yeah, no. I'm the nicest guy in this room. I promise. Guaranteed not. Josh Wolfe, what do you think about this?

Well, first of all, okay, I know I'm a little high, but are we just going to gloss over the fact that his parenting line is, he's not on opiates, I'm happy. We're just going to gloss right past that. And he was like, I don't know, I didn't have my kid from 2 to 16, but he's not shooting heroin, so I'm pretty good.

That's it. What does your son do for work? He works at a venue doing the kitchen and cleaning up and maintenance and stuff. They call it the Beachland Ballroom in Cleveland. Ah, yeah, one of those good old fatherless jobs, you know what I mean? It's as good as you could do for not having a father. Fair enough.

He works in a kitchen. I didn't know your son was a girl. It's the 80s, everybody. Don't forget they're from the 80s. So it's very important to remember. They're not hateful. They're from the 80s. Bando, what's something about you that we'd be surprised to know?

You say you're such a nice guy. You have tattoos up to your knuckles. Well, so I'm married to a holistic behavioral psychologist. And, you know, so I've taken a lot of the things that she brings into my life, so I meditate and, you know, I really try to be mindful and eat and be, you know, nutritious and stuff like that. Take my knife, please. Hey, hey-ho. Wow.

So you meditate every day? Yeah, at least 10 minutes a day. Heck yeah. Well, that's pretty fun. What ethnicity is your wife? She's like a white mutt, basically. She's blonde hair, blue eyes, grew up in Orange County. Does she have tattoos as well?

No. No, she's just a normal... If you saw her and I together, you'd be like, what the fuck? No. She's like real wholesome. I feel like she has a tramp stamp

that says, Bando's property. Not my old lady. She's my wife. How'd you win her over? What was your big move? Where'd you guys meet at? We met through some mutual friends

who just happened to have us at dinner at the same time, and we had an awesome conversation. Oh, a clan rally. Yeah, it was that. It was... What was the... There it is. There's your first Joelberg chant of the night.

It has begun. He's caught fire. What was the conversation that you guys had? Do you remember? It was just real conversation. You were just bullshitting and agreeing, trying to get in her pants, right? Like, oh, yeah, holistic psychology, beautiful. Man, how great is that?

The work that you do, just hiding your fucking tattoos, right? No, not at all. I hide nothing. You were like, you hate them too? How long did it take you to hook up with her after that first meeting? Was it that night? No, it wasn't that night. Within three weeks, probably.

And then we moved in together after like eight weeks. Wow, look at that. You mean you moved into her place after eight weeks? No, she got a postdoc in San Francisco and we moved to the Bay. But I like where you're going with me. Hell yeah, I'm pretty close. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. All right, band. How long have you been doing like where you're going with me. Hell yeah. I'm pretty close. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it.

All right, Bando. How long have you been doing stand-up? About eight months. Eight months. Hell yeah, man. Well, you got through it. My recommendation on a show where you get 60 seconds would be to, you don't have to say give it up for the band and the guests.

Like, we already did that. That's who I am, man. That was the best part of the set. Hospitality. Hospitality. That's my thing. You know, that's just who I am as a person. I'm from the Midwest, man. Come was the best part of the set. Hospitality, that's my thing. That's just who I am as a person. I'm from the Midwest, man. Come on.

I love it. Okay, Bando. There's a lot of people from the Midwest that... There's a lot of people listening from the Midwest that are like, this guy does not represent us. There's more that do. I'm glad you made it out. Anything else for Bando, guys? How long have you hated Moulin Young?

Oh, my God. Tom, he's an 80s comedian, guys. He's an 80s comedian. For those of you... Listen, I haven't eaten an eggplant in a long time. What? Okay, okie dokie. Let's just keep moving along. Bando, everybody. There goes

Bando on Instagram. Bando talks. I'd like to give a special apology to the Apollo 13 Aphrodite. So many people. The guy with the toilet on his head. All the cool black

people in the room. We'd like to apologize. If you could just edit that out. Alright. Back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there? Clearly anything can happen. You've already heard two words that you can't hear on cable or network TV here tonight. Alright.

No one has more fun on Mondays than us. Pulled another name out. Make some noise for Maria Brugere. Maria Brugere. Maria. Maria. Should I say or should I go now? Hey, hey, hey.

If I go there might be trouble. If I say there might be trouble. If I say that, it might be double. Maria Brugere. Thank you. Thank you. You guys, I was at a football tailgate over the weekend and a couple of my girlfriends were talking about trying each other's breast milk

because that's what you do at a football tailgate, right? Talk about breast milk. And my one girlfriend says, yeah, I'd totally try your breast milk. How bad can it be? I heard it tastes like Cap'n Crunch, right? So I think maybe we go to hospitals now and with the new mothers, we just ask for a sample, right? And then the other girlfriend goes, oh, no, no, no, I can't. I can't try your breast milk I'm dairy free and I'm like uh she doesn't know the definition

of dairy but she's definitely calling her friend a cow alright guys thank you so much hell yeah 48 seconds Maria Brugere set of the night so far fuck yeah absolutely you did it. Jokes.

Did it. That's it. Everybody see that? Setups, punchlines, rock and roll, Maria. Welcome to the show. This is your first time on, right? First time on, yep. How long have you been on stand-up? I'm in my third year. Third year, absolutely. All here in Los Angeles? I started in Portland.

In Portland? Oh, we love Portland. Great scene up there. You were at in Los Angeles? I started in Portland. In Portland? Mm-hmm. Oh, we love Portland. Great scene up there. You were at the Helium? Yep, yep. Started at Helium, yeah. Uh-huh. And then there's that little clown room, whatever? Yeah, I forget what it's called, but yeah, the clown house.

That's so fun. Scary place. How long have you been in Los Angeles? Or are you just visiting? I lived here for five years and then moved back to Portland for a couple years for work and then came back a year ago. Oh, cool. What do you do for work then came back a year ago. Oh, cool. What do you do for work? I work in social media.

Oh, wow. What do you do for social media? I worked with big brands for about ten years. I worked at Nike for five years. Great. Will you teach us stuff about how to help our social media? Anything you want to know. Okay, great.

Good to know. Welcome. You're the new social media intern here on Keltoni. Congratulations. First ever person to win that position. Hell yeah. That's so cool that you're willing to work for free for us. It's so awesome and giving of you.

That's awesome. So what else, Maria? You work here now, social media. You're doing stand-up for three years. You get hit on a lot at open mics and stuff? A lot of horny comedians out there. All the time by everybody back there. That's goddamn right. A lot of you might not know. A lot of you normies might not know.

Comedians fuck like banshees all the time. And if they're not fucking, they're masturbating aggressively after not succeeding in trying to fuck. How many comedians have you fucked? None. Good question. Zero, yeah. Absolutely.

You have a steady boyfriend or something like that? Nope. Nope? Just work and comedy. What do you got? I mean, how do you, okay. Well, I got it. Hell yeah.

All right. I'm smarter than that. Really? Yep. Heck yeah. You're not the first comedian that's been on this stage tonight to have a rabbit at some point in there. It's a magician joke that got absolutely nothing. The rabbit is a tiny vibrator that women have, and there was a magician on earlier.

For those of you keeping stats, once I explained it, the joke worked, everybody. Wow. So, Maria, how do you, if you don't mind me asking, how do you satisfy yourself with no men in your life at all whatsoever? I try to sleep when I can. Try to sleep when you can. What does that mean?

I don't get it. A lot of people are laughing and I don't get it. When you work nine hours a day and then you go to mics all night or shows, you don't sleep a lot. So then I try to sleep. So Tony was trying to ask how you come and you're like, a good nap. I guess so. Hey,

whatever it takes. I figured since you work in social media, I figured you might pleasure yourself with your thumbs or something like that. That may be a special way to do it. Anyway, Maria, what's more information about you? What do you think makes you different than other people? Do you have any

crazy parts of your life story or anything? I had a breast reduction a couple years ago. Whoa. What? Why? Yeah. I get booed a lot for saying that. They didn't do that back in the 80s. This guy's never heard of this. No, leave the back problems. What?

Like, how big were you? I was a 34 double G. Oh, Jesus. She's never hooked up with a comedian. However, she just made four come in their pants just then. 34 double G. Wow. You will do anything to not get laid

This is incredible I've never seen anyone just fucking take such a stand That you are just done with guys Bresser did you get your vagina sewed up too? Wow Do you feel better now that you've had the reduction? Yeah my surgeon actually Fell and broke her ribs the next day

Because it was such an intense surgery Your surgeon broke her ribs the next day because it was such an intense surgery. Your surgeon broke her ribs? Oh, my God. That's like really, really big. Was that like a disease, like boobititis? Okay, yes. Boobititis, Red Band. Yeah, elephant titties.

Come on! What are we doing here? Wait a second. That was a little bit too funny for an 80s comedian. You better watch out. Oh, we're creeping into the 90s. Whoa! A friend of mine actually has some kind of disease

where her boobs actually hang down to almost her knees. Those are the types of friends Brian keeps near him. Mine looked really good for how big they were. Yeah, so now they just look even better. Back feels better. Life's better. I love that. Did you keep them around as throw pillows?

I should have. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up or working or taking a nap? I like to travel, play tennis, ride horses once in a while. Oh wow, you ride horses. You go to the equestrian district in Burbank? I've been there, yep.

Right. My goodness. You ever have anything crazy happen while riding horses? Is that how you come? Okay. Brian. Red band. Red band. Game, set, snatch.

Wow. You ever go to the saddle ranch and ride the bull? No. No? Wrong animal. Yeah, go to the saddle ranch and ride the bull? No. Now? Wrong animal. Yeah, that is the wrong animal. My goodness. Wow. That's so fun, Maria. I find you to be an intriguing character. Yeah, for a comic, she

really has her shit together. Yeah. She holds herself extremely well. She's not cracking under any of my questioning whatsoever. Normally I'm able to squeeze a little bit of something. I pride myself on having a... She's got great posture. She really has got her shit together.

Well, I mean... My boob's fixed, so now it's better. You should have seen her when she had 34 double Gs. She was like the guy from the Mighty 300 that turns on him and he's hunched over his foot. He's not wrong. Wow. Have you ever tasted breast milk?

Okie dokie. This is my friend Brian. Trash can. All right, Maria. I mean, I'll tell you this. Unbelievable, unbelievable set. I don't want to sound like I'm hating on the ladies, but it's a very, very rare instance

in which we're four comedians in, and then a woman comes in and fucking shows everybody how it's done. So very impressive. One more time for Maria Brugere. She's on social media at Maria Brugere. All one word. B-R-U-G-E-R-E.

Hell yeah. First time on Keltoni. Having fun here tonight. What's a brawl called? A brugere? Never mind. All right, never mind. Wow.

What did you call it, Redman? I thought her last name... A brugere. He thought it was a brugere. I was thinking when she said double G I was thinking on your period or not on your period it's a big difference she said double G's

wow the old Gennady Golovkins over there put your hands together for your next comedian Jasleen Power Jasleen Power Jasleen Power. Jasleen Power. Jasleen Power. Here we go.

Here she comes, everybody. Hey. Hey. One more time for Jess. Lean power, everybody. As a child, I was fondled by a woman who now works in massage therapy. Well, the massage she gave me put my ass in therapy. This one time I went to this Instagram life coach.

I told her and she said, well, at least now she's using it for good. I was like, for good? This bitch cracked the fucking code. She figured how to diddle and get paid. Oh, my Gandhi. Oh, my Gandhi. paid. Oh my Gandhi. Jesus. Diddled and get paid. Oh my fucking tits. This is exactly what I was fucking worried about. I thought about confronting her. You know what? You know, I would show up, book an

appointment with some goo-goo gagas hoping that she... Okay. Well, instead I would leave a Yelp review. One star for the finger that she's stuck in my inner child. Wow. And...

Jasleen Power. Welcome to the show, Jasleen. This is your first time on, correct? Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is probably my seventh time. Seventh time ever doing stand-up. Congratulations.

That was the first time I ever heard stand-up make me want to burst into tears. Fucking sad, wasn't it? Is she still practicing? Can I get the address? Yeah, she is currently still practicing as an RMT. I looked her up today and saw a photo of her, and she said that she likes to assist people with her energy.

And I was like, yeah, I fucking know. So what exactly did she do to you she molested me yeah see I totally practiced and wrote this fucking bit and then let's just talk about what really happened here so you went in and then what happened I went in oh no no no I didn't actually go to see her what the theory what I was trying to say is that I looked her up today. I've been wanting to confront her. Confront? My abuser.

Your abuser? That I know, that I remember because I was a child. See, I missed a real big chunk of the story. We still don't have it, though. You still haven't explained it. Okay, so when I was... Let's just go through the story. Let's not talk about the bit.

Let's not talk about what you were going to do. Let's not talk about what went wrong. Let's just try to figure out what the fuck you're talking about. This is the... I feel you. This is the saddest Nancy Drew novel I've ever read. So, Jasleen, tell us again what happened. Okay, well, fuck.

I was a child, and my neighbor girl, she came in as a friendly face and tricked my entire family and would touch my pussy. Wait a second. This is your babysitter? We didn't really have babysitters as an Indian family. It's just usually friends and family come in. If I need help, you need to take care of the kids. That happens.

She's like an older teenager girl used to come kick it with my siblings and then we would have tea parties in my bedroom and she'd tell me to wear the bathing suit oh boy this is hilarious I'm just curious Jessalyn why you would pick this subject as the...

The first time I go up? Yeah. Yeah. You know what? It was really good in my mind. I was laughing so much yesterday and today. This was during the molestation or... No.

I actually... No. When I was writing this stuff stuff I was laughing and I was having at which part yeah I can't quite put my finger in it you did it again geez Louise yeah I should have

went with the other bit that I was more confident on but I've been recently trying to find ways to heal from this trauma so oh so you're going okay and so no but i actually think some of you ever thought about seeing a therapist about it or uh you're just gonna talk with strangers i know oh my god have you ever been with a woman at a as an adult yeah and uh i don't know if it's my thing It's been a question since Really opening up and talking about

My abuse but I was like Am I gay am I not gay am I bi And I've hooked up with a few women And the last woman I gagged a lot While eating the pussy Why do you That's a normal response

I hate that So Jasleen Why do you? Hold on a second here. That's a normal response. All right. I hate that. So weird. So, Jasleen, why do you think you were gagging this time? Was it the taste? Was it the smell? I don't know if it was. I don't know if it was actually the taste.

All right, Zippy, over here, buddy. Zip, zip. There you go, pal. Yeah, the show continues. There's a whole thing going on. Jasleen, so what do you think happened there? Well, she was also 51 years old, so...

But she looked really young, and she has a plastic surgeon boyfriend, and she just wanted a boob fest, and she ate me out in a Rolls Royce, so it was pretty fucking cool. Wow, look at that. Now you're getting to the funny part. See, there's so much that I need to work through.

You really brought that story around. That really was a good ending. In a Rolls Royce. My goodness, if you're going to eat out an Indian, it should at least be in a Cherokee. Am I right, people? So rarely do I get to go... Thank you.

I've waited 12 years to do that joke. Just been waiting to find an Indian girl talking about getting her pussy eaten in a car of some kind. I always said, when that moment happens, Cherokee. Hell yeah. Rolls Royce. And then what? She's like, your turn. Yeah.

Well, not really your turn. I was like, okay, I'm here. We're here. We're hungry. Let's try it. We hungry? My God, do you actually eat the pussy? You swallow?

What happened to this show? I don't know. It's going along so swimmingly. What the fuck happened? Can I do my molestation joke? I was an altar boy and I was never molested. And I used to think, what about me, father? I'm not hot enough for you, father?

All right, that's it. He ends on the applause break. Wow. So, Jasleen, tell us about you. What do you do for work? I am a rapper and a food show host for First Week Beast. Hold on a second. Wait.

Oh, I know you. You're a rapper? Yeah, I speak for a show. How long have you been rapping for? 27. I think I've been writing poetry and then that turned to rap. Let me ask you a question. If our drummer, Joel Jimenez, laid down a little beat,

do you think you could give us a little rap here? Yeah, we could do that. I'd be glad to not have a drummer on that. Oh, you just want to go straight acapella? Yeah. Go right ahead, ladies and gentlemen, Jasleen Power. I'm a little psychotic

Mixed with symbolic knowledge Fuck your college I'ma little psychotic mixed with symbolic knowledge. Fuck your college. I'ma stand here, look flawless with my scar face. I'm a modest goddess sitting in the back row, taking notes, using my moleskin notebook. Get out of this bullshit you're trying to fill my mind with, but I ain't got time to listen to you whine, bitch. Listen to me rhyme, bitch.

You want to spend your time with this chocolate cocoa dime who you could ride with. Pull up to the scene in my mint green Fiat. Hop in, we drive away, I just want to re-up. Reach up to the sky, heaven's height. Grab a ladder, then you start to climb. I'm the giant in the beanstalk fairy tale. And you a soft bitch, a ferret's tail.

Wow. Look at that. My goodness. Wow. From raping to rapping. That at that. My goodness. Wow. From raping to rapping. That was incredible. Wow. Hell yeah.

Heck yeah. You're like MIA if she flew paper planes into the World Trade Center. Whoa. You host the curry Shop, right? Yeah, I host the Curry Shop. It's a great show. For Sweet Feast, you can stream it. Oh, wow. So you're sort of like a YouTube star.

It's not on my channel, so I'm on their channel. Oh, okay. So my YouTube's not really... It's like my music shit on my stuff, but yeah. I like to eat. We hear we hungry. That's for real. Absolutely.

You're like Slumdoggy Dog. Oh, my God. I can't believe I just fucked that one up so badly. Even sometimes I blow my own mind. I mean, that is just so good. Anyway. Anyway. Anything else we should know about you, Jasleen?

Yeah, there's a lot. I really like chopping up garlic really fine. My favorite word is ginkgo biloba. And yesterday was the 13th year of my brother's death. Whoa. Wait a second. All right, Peter, we just killed the club. Everybody clap for that.

What the fuck? Wait a second. How long ago was 9-11 again? Hold on a second here. Don't tell the math right. 13 minus 19. Jasleen, I find you to be so charismatic and so interesting. For seven times on stage i mean i i

blanked out completely my very first time on stage so i mean like you know you're talking about crazy stuff you're taking chances it's definitely not easy to open up talking about the most traumatic part of your life and that just goes to show the backbone of artists that you are so i'm excited to hopefully that you'll sign up again and we'll have more fun again next time. Yeah, I won't fuck up. There you go. Jasleen Power, everybody.

She's on social media at Horse Power. H-O-R-S-E-P-O-W-A-R. Hell yeah. Before we get back to the bucket, let's take a moment to plug our favorite sponsor, Infinite CBD. Here's why we love working with Infinite CBD. It's because they offer the cleanest, healthiest, and purest forms of CBD available, hemp-grown, organically in Colorado.

Pure CBD isolate testing over 99% CBDd if you still haven't tried cbd research has shown cbd to help with a variety of different ailments including insomnia anxiety depression and more this month we are highlighting the gummies they got some new flavors and these gummies are great for calming down when things are stressful or before bed to help insomnia they got sour grapes sour sour peach, sour watermelon, sour blue raspberry, sour strawberry, and a seasonal apple pie, which is made with real apple cider. Try some of those sours and turn it into power. Go to InfiniteCBD.com, and if you use the promo code TONY15, you get 15% off. That's InfiniteCBD.com and the code TONY15 for 15% off.

This is the stuff I use. My family uses it. Everybody I know absolutely loves it. I'm talking about people with absolute chronic pain. So if you haven't tried it yet, go to InfiniteCBD.com, use the promo code TONY15, and get 15% off. You know, I love betting on a winner. You see it all the time. William Montgomery, I love betting on a winner.

You see it all the time. William Montgomery, David Lucas, Ali Makovsky, Sarah Weinshank, Kim Congdon. I love betting on winners. And if you pick winners, you might as well pick them at MyBookie. I go to MyBookie. It's fast, it's easy, and they pay when you win.

Let's face it. Where you're betting is just as important as who you're betting on i wouldn't be telling you guys to bet with them if they weren't the best do the smart thing if you're going to bet this football season bet with my bookie did you know you could bet on games after the kickoff if by the second half it looks like your bet is going to lose you can always just take the other side that's crazy to me that sounds exciting yeah if you're the kind of guy that likes to bet a little and win a lot, try Parlay. If all your picks come through, you'll multiply your winnings.

And no matter how you bet, this NFL season is the best time of the year. And I love UFC, as you know. I've always only picked winners. I bet always for my friends Nate Diaz, Ioana, Yen, Jay Check. Join now and MyBookie will double your first deposit. Use promo code Tony to activate the offer. That's promo code Tony. Visit MyBookie.ag today.

You play, you win, you get paid. And we're back. Welcome back to Kill Tony. It's incredible. It's a beautiful, magical thing. You guys ready to get back to Kill Tony. It's incredible. It's a beautiful, magical thing. You guys ready to get back to the show, huh? Back to the bucket we go. Where it stops, nobody knows.

Look at this guy texting in the front row like he doesn't give a shit. No fucking respect, huh? He's got a good blazer on, though. All right. Was anybody else depressed by that last girl? No. I mean, semi.

No. Honestly, people's sad stories of their lives gives me very refreshing energy. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for John Daniel Luna, everybody. John Daniel Luna. Lucky corner. out of the bucket. Make some noise for John Daniel Luna, everybody. John Daniel Luna. Lucky corner.

Full of hearts we like searching in the night E-I Ba-na-na-na We go down the boulevard Somewhere in the night

John Daniel Luna, everyone! First I want to talk about, I have a skin disease, it's called psoriasis. A lot of people think I have the Michael Jackson disease, but I have to tell them, like, no, I don't skin disease. It's called psoriasis. A lot of people think I have the Michael Jackson disease, but I have to tell them, like, no, I don't fuck kids. I'm pretty excited because I have these new shoes. They're these pink Nike Cortezes. Because I'm half gay, but I'm full Mexican. Yeah. I am half gay or bi. Some people might say if you want to be correct. This guy came

up to me one time and he looked at my shoes and he was like he's like i don't bang i don't bang it's like sir that's very homophobic of you to say to me i want to lean in okay john daniel luna coming in big booms big booms tonight amazing performance performance. You fucking did it. That's exactly how it's done, John Daniel Luna. Now, this is your second time on the show, am I correct? Yes, sir. And that went better

than the first time, right? Yeah, yes, it did. Okay. I promise you it did. Let's be honest with ourselves here, all right? Congratulations. Very good.

Is that true that you're half gay? What does that mean exactly? I'm bi. I'm really pansexual, but I don't like explaining things. What does pansexual mean? You love fried foods? Yeah, exactly. That's funny. Taking all my material over here.

Wait. I don't think so. That's a 2019 right there. He's half gay but full figured. You know what I'm saying? So explain to us. Remind us what pansexual means. We're a bunch of dumb meatheads up here. I guess.

I guess. I mean, I don't want to say anything, but I guess any. Oh, you'll fuck anything. All right. Yeah, you just did. When you say I don't want to say anything, that means you'll fuck anything. You'll fuck flesh light or a flesh darkness. Like men, women, but then like non-binary people, you know?

Hell yeah. So what's the most, I guess, non-binary thing you've ever had sex with? Is that the right way of asking that? What's the weirdest thing you ever fucked, pal? of asking that. What's the weirdest thing you ever fucked, pal? I just got word we did just get cancelled just then. That was it. The internet cancelled

us. We just got word. We are no longer streaming. Everything's gone. Go ahead. This girl I don't know, she had like, jeez, you don't even know how to explain it. Yeah, I don't know, she had like a dick and then boobs,

and yeah, she sucked my dick in. Oh my God. What do you want me to say? She had a dick, how big were the boobs? Double G? I don't know, normal size. Normal size boobs and a dick. What was her voice like? More feminine?

Feminine, yeah. How big was the penis? Normal size. I don't know, dude. You don't know? Jeez, your memory is as patchy as your skin right now. I remember. There we go. Okay. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. John Daniel Luna. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Like six months. Six months. That's fucking awesome for six months, dude. That's really good. Very impressive.

Very impressive stuff. What do you like to do when you're not doing stand-up comedy? Or fucking anything? I work. I play sports. What sports do you play? Foosball? Air hockey? I play Quidditch.

Oh, come the fuck on. Holy shit. Quidditch. It's come the fuck on. Holy shit. Quidditch. It's a sport. I know this from Harry Potter. It's a Harry Potter sport, yeah. That's so funny. I once dated a girl that met up with a group,

and they'd all play Quidditch together. This was a long time ago. You ever hit it before you quit it? Where was it? You guys play at like Pan Pacific Park or something like that? We play at, we play at North Hollywood, at the park in North Hollywood. Oh, North Hollywood. Very good.

And how long you been playing Quidditch for? Probably about like five years. It's like a college thing and then it's like the first year out of college. You played Quidditch in college? Yeah, yeah. What? What's the name of that college? I went to Emerson College. Ah, real showbiz

college. That's cool. So just so that the people all understand because I'm pretty sure I have somewhat of a ballpark idea of what this is. Now, if you don't know, Quidditch is the sport from Harry Potter, which is obviously a movie and story about fucking like witchcraft and and wizardry, right?

And so you guys basically, if I'm, correct me where I'm wrong here, but you guys take broomsticks, right, out into a field, sort of, and then there's a ball, right, and you guys basically pretend like you're... Wait, how do you make the broom fly? Okie dokie.

It's not. So it's like, I don't know. We used to use brooms, but now it's like starting to be like more like athletic and competitive. Because like we don't use brooms anymore. It's like PVC. And then it's like full contact. Oh, thank God. Okay.

For those of you that don't keep up on your Quidditch, PVC, that's like when they allowed aluminum bats in Little League baseball. So the PVC is lighter. You have more agility with that. Oh, yeah, for sure. How often do you play Quidditch? Like practice like once a week. I'd love to see a Quidditch move.

Can you show us? Can you give us a little? Is there anything? Do you have a Quidditch stick back there anywhere? Can we use the mic stand? Yeah. I'll hold your mic. I'll hold the mic. Yeah, we got it. How many of you want to see this guy play some Quidditch?

Hold on one second. One second. We got to get the There it is. He's like, this isn't regulation. Hold on one second here. We got to get the Alright. Can we get Hey, Danny. Danny, can we get some Quidditch lighting? Who is that

up there? Who the fuck is that? Where's Danny at? That's some weird guy. You got to be fucking kidding me. It's our first ever Quidditch opportunity in the show's history and the lights guy isn't there. Everyone just close their eyes. David, can you... Jesus Christ.

Alright. Wow, Jeremiah Zippy on the ones and twos here. Stealing the scene from the actual Quidditch player. Here we go. John Daniel... Yeah, that's basically it, right? There you go, Zippy. You got that one.

That's it, right? Alright, well, there you go. I feel like you'd have to use a Dyson That was literally the most anticlimactic thing I've ever been part of in my entire life I mean it's literally It's not that exciting But you do it once a week and you practice

And then you have competitions Yeah And he just got through telling us how athletic it is I mean I can't do anything Standing right here The most exciting part is It's full contact you tackle people You're telling us how athletic it is. I mean, I can't do anything standing right here. Like, it's full contact. The most exciting part is, like, it's full contact.

You tackle people. What? You do? Yeah. Butt fuck them or what? What do you do? Oh, my God. Wow.

You pretty fast guy out there on the field? I'm more like a... Goalie. Yeah, I am like the keeper, but, like, the keeper, like... Like, I can, like, go through people. Like, I am like the keeper, but the keeper, I can go through people. It takes a lot of people to tackle me. Do you guys have spells and stuff? No. No?

No. Psoriasis. I'll tell you what, John, no doubt about it. Set of the night so far. A huge improvement from the last time you were on. You guys have anything for John Daniel Luna? We all good? Keep flying through it?

There he goes, John Daniel Luna, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. John Daniel Luna. One of the best parts of this show. You see somebody, they'll have a rough set or a decent set, comes back a couple months later and absolutely destroys. How about one more time for John Daniel Luna? That's his handle on social media, all one word, John Daniel Luna.

Let's skip the bucket. We'll go back to it a little bit later, but for right now, let's bring up one of the regulars on this show. This show has two regulars, which means that they're being developed in the farm system here at Kill Tony, just flexing new minutes every single

week that they write and perform. It's a lot harder than being pulled out of the bucket where maybe you haven't been here for a few months, so you you had enough time to write another good minute. These guys are writing new minutes every single week, and especially this week where we have done eight episodes total in the past seven days.

This is their eighth minute in over seven days, so this is not an easy position to be in. This guy had a big breakthrough this week. I'm excited to see if it carries over to LA.

I present to you one of my favorite comedians. He's a very polarizing figure. People either love him or hate him. I present to you the one and only William Montgomery, everybody. Here he is. Here he is. Live in the flesh. The big red machine.

The one and only William Montgomery. Let's give it up for Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles. You'll never hurt a Magic Johnson. So I tried to avoid the TSA agents who are also magicians, just because last time Carlos pulled a gun out of my ear. I was driving down the road the other day and saw a license plate that said PVT-I on it, and I drove up to the guy and I was like, what are you, a private eye? And he was like, what are you talking about?

Let's give it up for Mike Bibby, Sacramento! That killed in Sacramento. There you go. Stalling out. Were you winking? Were you winking there at the end? Were you doing that new wink that you do?

That was night. Y'all should have seen me in Sacramento for probably two minutes. I was winking at certain people in the audience. They left up. William does this new thing now where he winks at people in the audience and the crowd goes wild. It's very

impressive. Some people... Oh, listen to the crowd go wild. He's doing the wink. I can tell you guys were skeptical at first, and now you're feeling that wink energy. He's doing it. They love it. Look at that.

It actually works. Wow. William Montgomery. Oh, he just gave one to Josh Wolf. Look at this. Oh, he's still looking at you, Josh. Whoa. It's so nice to see you, Josh.

Yeah, it's nice to see you too, buddy. How are you? I'm doing very well. How are you? You know Josh? Yeah, we've done a couple of... He's come on Control Chaos a couple times. Oh, very cool.

Heck yeah, you'd be fun on that, huh? He's a guy that just keeps on improvising right till the end. One of my other characters I think I created, I tell people I'm a stand-up comic coach. Just giving them pointers. I talk about diseases that you have, like Lyme disease. Talk about maybe your uncle in the middle of it. William, you just went to Sacramento and San Francisco with us. Did any of that...

You were on the road with us the entire time. We all slept in the same big house together, all this stuff. You are a heavy breather. You have snoring issues, for sure. Able to be heard floors away and down hallways very far.

I have something called sleep apnea. I'm a heavy smoker. I'm a heavy drinker. I have dreams every now and again. Heavy person. I've actually lost a bunch of weight. I'm down to 230 right now. Yeah? How'd you lose the

weight? P90X. Really? Would you mind giving us a little example of the P90X that you know how to do? Oh, you just put the microphone on the ground. Just ignore that mic stand. Just put that anywhere. Oh, what's he doing here? Here we go.

Let's count it out! He's screaming for it to be counted out. Let's see if they go along with it. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26. He fell down. He fell down at what appeared to be 28 or so.

That's impressive. He's obviously more of a writer. Oh, what happened? Did he pee? What happened? He made a little pee. Oh, he split his pants, everybody. Oh, my goodness. William, I have a pair for you backstage that you can have if you need them.

Where's the mic? You put it on the ground, William. No, I'm kidding. I'm horribly out of breath now. Wow, that was very impressive. Clearly the P90X is working. How many more did he do than you thought

he was going to do? Well, yeah, he did. Who the fuck said that? These guys in the audience, you don't want to turn on William. He will get you. But William, you got a lot of love.

You got a lot of love in San Francisco this week. At one point, he stepped up to the mic first show Saturday, which was, I guess, was two episodes ago for those of you that listened to this. And you got like a 15, 20 second long applause break upon arriving to the mic. I've only seen this really happen to, like, Dave Chappelle and Jerry Seinfeld. But you just stood there soaking it in. The crowd in San Francisco absolutely loved you. And then you gave them what they wanted. You pandered right down the middle. Tony, at one point he said, if I ever jump off a bridge,

it's going to be the Golden Gate Bridge! And they were like, yes! I think one of my better jokes during that set was, so I homeschooled my daughter, we fuck a lot. Oh my goodness. It's incredible that you can get away with material like that. Josh Wolf, what do you think about this guy? I want to tell you something.

I've only seen you do your characters. I've never seen you improv. I'm going to tell you this. This is the highest possible praise I can give you. I started with a dude named Brody Stevens. We started at the same time. It's the same kind of energy that he used to bring up to the stage, man.

That was fucking amazing. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. Abso-fucking-lutely. I agree with that 100%. There's some comedians that just have a little bit of a mythical spark to them. While a lot of haters, I've seen it, say, you know, William doesn't write real jokes.

William doesn't do comedy the way I think it should be done. But, you know, I've seen him this week alone write two. He's sort of divisive, but I've seen him write two new devices. This pandering thing, which is very funny. The winking thing, which is very funny. He was winking to people as he was walking up.

I had no idea what the fuck he was doing. We were doing meet and greets, massive lines of meet and greets after the six sold-out shows. And we were all signing things and this and that. There's this whole line of us that people are moving down. And William's just standing there just winking at people as they go by. It was very impressive. How about one more time for the great William Montgomery, everybody?

A new minute every single episode from William Montgomery. If you fall, I will catch you. I'll be waiting time after time. All right. We have another regular on this show, everybody. He's a few weeks into his regular ship here. We have a lot of fun. This guy writes a brand-new minute every week,

and it's always very, very funny. Like, again, he's coming off of this is his eighth brand new minute this week on this show. And I'll just warn you guys. I'll warn you guys on the panel here. If you make fun of this guy, he is ruthless. So if you're going to make fun of him at all, be very careful. I've never warned the guests in the history of this show. I like to know when somebody has a lot of Ruth.

Just know that I put that warning out there. All right. So, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new minute from one of my favorite roasters, one of my favorite comedians, and the new regular on Kill Tony. It's David Lucas, everybody. Here he is. Powerful. David Lucas.

Come on, guys. Make some fucking noise for David Lucas. I used to watch a lot of wrestling growing up. Like, I watched that shit like a nigga that had a porn addiction, you know what I'm saying? My favorite wrestler was Stone Cold Steve Austin. The Jesus of the trailer parks, you know what I mean? Like, I kept on watching Stone Cold, and the older I got, the gayer he got. I was like, this nigga is dressed like a bikini softball player.

And I don't know how the fuck he got that big on a diet of baked beans and Budweiser. You know what I'm saying? But I had to really quit watching wrestling because it was affecting my family life. You know what I'm saying? Like, I would put my retarded uncle in wrestling moves. Like, my mom walked in one day, and I had that nigga in the crippler crossface. She was like, turn him loose right now. I was like, well, tell that nigga to tap out.

All he got to do is tap out, and I'll turn him loose right now. I was like, well, tell that nigga to tap out. All he got to do is tap out and I'll turn him loose. Hell yeah. David Lucas, another new minute. Fuck yeah, man. Absolutely. Another fun one. That's all true? You're a wrestling fan?

Hell, bro, I almost got kicked out of the private school I was going to over wrestling. Wow. Because I would fucking put kids in wrestling moves during P.E. Yeah. One kid's mom wanted to, like, press charges on me and shit. No, same, man. We used to do that in music class. We had a music teacher that, like...

What, you played the flute? No, you look like a clarinet ass nigga First of all, how dare you Second of all, I will not take these insults from clearly a tuba player Alright Get the fuck out of here Hey, ain't Tony dressed like a public defender? All right. If he your shit, you going to prison.

Yeah, I look like I'm public defending you. Look at you. What are you talking about? I love this. You're wearing the fucking camouflage. I'm a Southern boy, man. I got like 20 articles of camouflage. Yeah.

I got some white face, too. You've done white face before? No, but I will at the check, right? Is that just what happens when you get into a fucking powdered donut eating contest? Yeah, exactly. I helped you. See, I helped you. Welcome to another episode of Finish That Joke.

Fuck yeah. I noticed lately that you wear a lot of camouflage. What is that exactly? Why do you think that is? I grew up hunting and shit, man. I'm just being me, a fucking black weirdo. You know what I'm saying? I like your style, man.

Absolutely. Fuck these niggas. I wear what I want to wear. Hell yeah. That's what I always say. I want to wear. Hell yeah. That's what I always say.

When I'm at home by myself looking in the mirror, that's exactly what I tell myself. After you eat your fucking curry chickpea wrap, you'll be like... The hell are you talking about? I don't know, man. That sounds like some shit

you'll get at Air One. I thought you were camouflaged because you're an over-the-limit soldier. It's almost there. That was close. It was close. I thought you were camouflaged because you're an over-the-limit soldier. I know. It's almost there. That was close. It was close.

Yeah. David Lucas just went with us to Sacramento and San Francisco. We shocked the world. Swagamento. It was unbelievable. We had so much fun. It was dope. Were there any highlights for you or anything like that?

What was that like hanging out with everybody? Fun fact, I'll just say it. Both of the regulars on this show are extreme snorers. Just a little fun fact. Oh, that shit was fun, man. We was in a Sprinter van going up the 5 to the whatever we went to. Those were the days, huh? Yeah.

Well, you probably didn't have Sprinter vans in your days, but. Wait a second. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Be careful, David. I'm sorry. I don't even know what that means, but... What'd he say? Nothing, Dom. Nothing. No, I didn't say shit. Hey, man. Because if this starts, it'll never end. Let me tell you something. I was in Hey Arnold.

What'd I do? I can tell. You were in Married With Children, too. Yeah. Yeah. You know... And Seinfeld. Why do you have to use the N-word? And Golden Girls. Why can't you say G-O-N-G-Y-O-N like the rest of you? I mean, I use

the N-word because I can. That's right. No, no. I'm trying to cut down on cursing, so I haven't been saying as many bitches, fucks, and motherfuckers. Why are you trying to cut down on cursing, so I haven't been saying as many bitches, fucks, and motherfuckers. Why are you trying to cut down on cursing?

Why do you think that is? Just to have easier sets for TV, you know what I'm saying? So it's like the one word that I have left is the N-word. That's right. I mean. Might not be able to say retarded either. Yeah, that's going to be rough. Especially retarded fag Yeah, that's going to be right.

Especially retarded faggot. True. True, that's true, yeah. I don't use that word. Wait, we're getting word right now. Dom Irera has been deleted. His scenes have been deleted from Golden Girls, everybody. They went back.

Hilarious. They canceled your scenes. Wow. I'm going to work on the N-word just for you, buddy. Heck yeah. I'm going to say Negro. Yeah. That's better?

Those colored kids were nice. Oh, okay. If you need a list for other words you have to pick. I'd rather be called a nigga instead of a color. Jesus. If you'd like to see a list of other words that you can call black people other than the N-word,

Dom has it. It's in scroll form and in the backseat of his car. You ever caught anybody by the N-word? What? You ever caught anybody by the N-word?

Sorry, I was sleeping. Jesus Christ, man. I feel like I'm... Never mind. No, it's a good question that's interesting my guess is the answer is yes

and he's pretending like he can't hear you right what did you say nothing can you really not he can't hear or what

is he fucking with us he's a master comedian fucking with us absolutely he's asking him like I can't fucking hear him. I was like, do I need to speak sign language? Do you do stand up also?

Oh no. No. Oh no. I enjoyed your speech. I was just wondering. You dress like you're Coach Bolin. Oh shit. Now I can't use that as a closure.

Okay, I'm going to stop this all right here because I love both of you too much to watch this. No, I ain't even going to do it. No, good, good. Absolutely. Very good, David. I like it. I'm only going to roast young comedians. Oh, God, no.

Stop it right now. Stop it. David, you, no. Stop it right now. Stop it. David, you stop it. You be nice. If you can get a discount on Wednesdays at the grocery store, I ain't roasting you. Okay, all right, David. Is that true? Yeah, he could go into Ralph's and get like 30% off.

Is that dumb? He ain't even got to show no ID. They're going to be like, this nigga. I've never even heard of him before. He told on Jesus. Is that true? Wait, all right. I'm going to stop this right here.

First of all, I don't have to go to stores. People, they bring it to my house. Right, in a nursing home. That's what they do at a nursing home. They bring your food to you. All right, I'm stopping. You probably got a driver, too, though. You got a driver, too.

You got a fucking van that honks two times. Okay, okay. Drop you off at your shows and shit. Okay, that's enough, David. All access pass. Oh, my God. All right. You get to park close at concerts.

Oh, my God. Ooh, he's roasting me. Ooh. Oh, that hurt. How do you think of shit like that? You're unbelievable. Okay, I'm going to put an end to this right now. How about a hand for David Lucas, everybody?

The great David Lucas. He's relentless. Fuck yeah. Step back from that ledge, my friend. Back from that ledge, my friend. First of all, look at me. Look at me. Do I look like I even give a fuck?

And I wasn't hearing him. I heard him, but him, maybe someday, he'll have one third of the fucking credits I have. I'll never forget. And the credit, the actual credit. Hey! Diction, diction.

It's important to be understood. You guys want to go back to this bucket one more time, huh? Digging deep here. Mixing it around. See if we can get something good to end the show. This looks like an interesting name. Put your hands together for Ryan the Cable View? Vi?

V-I-E, and then it sort of cuts off. Ryan the Cable? If that's the beginning of your name, you're the final comedian here on Kill Tony. Any movement? Anybody see movement? Okie dokie. Ryan the Cable Vi. There you go. There you go.

There you go. Okay, how about Kenny Weber? Kenny Weber. Is he here? Here we go. Kenny Weber, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. How you guys doing?

Yeah. 2019's scary, huh? Fear's the main emotion people feel this year, right? Scared of who the president is. Scared for our economy, our environment. Scared World War III is going to break out at any time. I'm scared for women's bodies. I'm scared a bird's going to shit in my hair and I'm not going to feel it. It's a volume problem. I get asked every day, at least once

a day, how do you get your hair like that? Because white people don't know culture. And I'm a smart ass. So I'm usually like, have you seen those tiny curling irons at Target? I was up till 4.30 this morning curling this shit. I'm still tired. I don't always say that. Sometimes I say something more reasonable, something more believable. Like, you want to look like this? You want hair like this? You should get a time machine. Go back in time, find your mom before you were born, and tell her to fuck more black guys.

Tight. Fuck yes. Kenny Webber, absolutely. Hell yeah. Tell her about it. Here, take another half a step back so that we have a perfect line of guys with 80s comedian hair

all in a row there. The first thing I thought was that dude from The Counting Crows has let himself go. I think he cut his hair like three weeks ago or some shit. Sha-la-la-la-la-ya. I think he cut his hair like three weeks ago or some shit. You look like they did a reboot called Yo Arnold. Kenny Weber. Wow. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Kenny Webber. Wow.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About two and a half years. Two and a half years. Next question. How do you get your hair like that? You ever seen those tiny curling irons at Target? What's that? You ever seen those tiny curling irons at Target?

No, I'm just kidding. I know. I know. I thought so. Hell yeah. So what ethnicity are you? What do we call this? I'm half black and half white. Half black, half white. So you're Hawaiian. Very good.

Mom's white? I'm adopted. My whole family's white. I'm adopted. Your whole family's white. You're adopted. Yeah. Okay. So like my mom, like my birth mother was white and my father was black. Birth mother was white and your father was black. Birth mother was white and your father was black. It's a good way to close the show.

Yeah, absolutely. Everybody's crying. I know. That's a beautiful story, man. Thank you. I appreciate it. Good job. You ever contact your actual parents?

I took like an ancestry test this year, and I found some people I'm related to through that. Troy Polamalu? No. Just only on the black side, which is surprising. people I'm related to through that. Troy Palamalu? No. Just only on the black side, which is surprising. I didn't find any white people. Just some black people in Oregon. That's hilarious.

I'm L. Not too hard to find the black people in Oregon. Thank goodness. Did you say Oregon? Yeah, that's where they're from. And where are you from? I was born in Texas, but I've lived here since I was like 10. I live in Orange County.

Oh, cool. Orange County. Hell yeah. What do you do for work? I bartend, and then I recently started working as a PA and a non-sex character actor in porn. Whoa, that's cool. So what type of roles have you done in non-sexual porn? The first one I did, it just came out this week.

You're the guy that eats the pizza when it gets delivered? Basically, yeah. Try getting cum out of that hair. Let me guess, you're the fluffer? I had to put fake cream pie inside of a girl three weeks ago.

Wait, when you say fake cream pie, you mean the stuff, huh? Yeah, there's a little lube when they're doing cream pies. You have to pump it in this thing that looks almost like some type of tranquilizer. Right. It's like a little baster or something, right? Yeah, you got to stick it in. So what was that like for you? Was that enjoyable at all?

Nah. Because the dude that... It's a guy... I used to train jujitsu a long time and I met this guy and he's a popular porn star and he's super cool and just let me do this shit

and pays me a good amount of money to do it. And so he was fucking with me when he made me do that. Like how much? I'm just curious. How much did you get paid for shooting, basting fake cream pie into a girl's vagina? I'm just curious. How much did you get paid for shooting, uh, basting,

uh, fake cream pie into a girl's vagina? I don't want it like for, for the sake of my job, I don't want to throw his money out there, but I'll, I'll tell you after if you want. Okay.

Yeah. I do want to know. but when I, but when I, I might be looking to pick up some, uh, side gigs. You know what I mean?

Uh, so it's like the fucked up part was when I put that in. It was when she was like straddling him. And so he took his dick out and I put it in and my pinky like grazed his dick. It was like the first dick I ever touched.

You've never touched your own dick before? You know what I meant. How about any other roles in the porns? Anything like that other than shooting cream pie in one? Oh, that's just like a job. It's like PA and that, so I kind of do both.

Any movie titles that we could see you in? Yeah. It's like, if you just go to toughlovex.com Oh my god. That's actually Red Band's homepage. I don't even know what I'm going to find when I go there. Let's do it.

Absolutely. Adults only. Enter. 18. Absolutely. This site contains sexually oriented material. It's going to be paid only, but you could see the trailers and shit. Oh, yeah.

Are you in any of the trailers? It's the one with Elsa Jean. It's the most recent scene right there. Which one? That one. That first one. Yep. Okay. Let's click the trailers? It's the one with Elsa Jean. It's the most recent scene right there. Which one? That one, that first one. Yep. Okay. Let's click on that.

Let's see the trailer here. Abso-fucking-lutely. This is fun. Can we turn that around? Maybe the audience can see, too. All right. Let's see what happens here. There's a guy.

Whoa, there you are. Wow. That is incredible. Oh, my goodness. That is incredible. Oh, my goodness. This is incredible. Yeah. She's got the fattest pussy in town. That's my dream.

A little blood sugar. Wow. Yeah. She's cute. With all that makeup on. Wait, is... You can say bison? Yes.

You have to have, like, a name. So my name's Bison. Wow. Look at that. That's the end of me being a... Nice pussy. Oh, my God. This is just the trailer?

Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, shit.. Wait, this is just the trailer? Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, shit. There it goes. Now, where are you during this part? Oh, you'll see. There's in the trailer. Yeah, I think there's another part that you'll see me quickly.

No, I mean, like, let's be honest here. No, no, I'm telling you. Just watch. Okay, no, I believe you. Do you ever get, like, boners? Not really. It's not that sexy. Sometimes it smells so much like pussy, though.

Okay, hold on. I want to hear this. They're showing everything. I could have come already. Hey, there you are. You're on your phone in the background. We could have gotten this fucking guy that job. Wow, this is hot.

Oh, so that's a fake cream pie. That one was fake too. That's not the one I put in though. Wow. Spoilers, spoilers. I wonder how many times I've been shammed by a fake cream pie. I think it was a real one. Oh, dude, I realized.

I put it all together the first time I saw it. Almost all of them because there's not a lot. Oh, my God. This is like when I found out wrestling was fake. This is heartbreaking to know that something that I've loved and believed in for so long. Like, I've abandoned watching cream pies since I started, but I can't do it anymore. Oh, my God. Wow.

We've learned a lot here today. Do you ever take your work home with you and use the fake cream pie when you have sex with a girl? No, I don't. I should. That's a good idea. What was that question, Brian? I just don't understand why you would like cream pie. I'll tell you exactly why with no hesitation whatsoever.

There's something about the thought of these porn stars being such filthy human beings, such bottom-of-the-barrel, just absolute broken human beings, that the thought of one of them coming inside of the other is so mind-bogglingly wrong to me that that's what I think is hot. God damn. Like, I wouldn't do that in my normal life. Like, I wouldn't just come inside of a girl.

Right. Unless, you know what I mean, unless it makes sense to do that. Like, you know, that could cost me money and problems and stress. But, I mean, when I'm fucking, you know what I mean? When I got that iPad set up and fucking, you know. It's time to spill Tony. There you go. Do you guys remember that Kill

Tony episode where eight dudes watched porn on stage in front of a live audience? Yeah. Come on! Just one more skit you'll never see on Saturday Night Live. Incredible. Incredible work, Kenny. Very interesting guy. What a fun little

fucking cool life you have. Anything else we should know about you before we let you go? Not really. I met a dude here like a month ago. My name is Kenneth. Kenny is short for Kenneth. And he looks just like me. He's a comic.

His name is Keneath. Really? That shit trips me out. Yeah, he's over here. That shit trips me out. I wonder what he puts into porn stars' vaginas. Apple pie. He's over there. He's right over there?

He looks like you? He's right there standing up. Where is he? Oh, look at that guy. That's very impressive. Absolutely. You guys should get together. Do some crazy stuff.

Some cream pie shit. For sure. Kenny Weber, shit. Oh, not that. For sure. Kenny Weber, everybody. There he goes. He's on social media. It's Kenny Weber, W-E-B-E-R. Okay, well, we could end it there, but we have a little special treat.

A Kill Tony icon from the past, someone who got pulled out of the bucket for his first time in Plano, Texas. Turns out, we found out in that interview, that he is a world-class kung fu master. A couple months later in Dallas, Texas, he would, of course, make an attempt to kick a water bottle off of Jeremiah Watkins' head while wearing skinny jeans and ended up not getting his foot high enough, ended up kicking Jeremiah in the head. Two days later, we did another episode of Kill Tony in which Jeremiah got his revenge and kicked him in the head And this past weekend in San Francisco He actually showed up to Kill Tony Mania Broke a bunch of blocks of wood

Showing off his incredible Kung Fu styles And also Jeremiah Watkins took advantage of the situation And also broke a block of wood And he's here for us here tonight Because he's got something special up his sleeve to do for us. Make some noise for Kill Tony legend, Colt, everybody. Yes. This young man started stand-up

on Kill Tony. He's already famous. Now, a fun fact about Colt is that he is a world-class yo-yo artist as well. Would you guys like to see him yo-yo to close out tonight's show? Here he is.

There's a little bit of yo-yoing from Colt, everybody. Here he is. Yeah. That's very impressive. How about that? All right. Well, I'll tell you that it didn't really, that didn't really bring it to the climax that I thought it would.

You want to kick some shit or something? Let's kick some shit. Joel, can you do me a favor? Can you grab that long symbol that you have there, that one, and hold it up like the Statue of Liberty in front of this kid? Let's end the show with a little bang. Look at that. Look at that.

Do that again so these people can see what you just did there. Can you do that again? Wow. Look at that. How high do you think he should hold this. Can you do that again? Wow. Look at that. How high do you think he should hold this thing to end tonight's episode? What do you think would be a good... Whoa.

He's a sex symbol. You guys ready to fucking do this? End this show with literally a bang? Keep it right where he leaves it there. Oh, my God. You're going to hit that? Wow. There you go. Keep it right where he leaves it there. Oh, my God. You're going to hit that? Wow! There you go.

And that's another episode of Kill Tony live at the Comedy Store. Oh, wait a second. What's this? What is this? What is this? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Well, you got to hold it higher, dude.

Come on, make him get this shit. Come on, Jeremiah. Higher. That is another episode. Another episode of Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen. Look at this drawing from Ryan J. Ebelts, everybody. Wow. Very impressive.

80s comedians. Amazing. How about one more time for the great and powerful, one of our favorite guests of all time, the one and only Dom Irera, everybody. Pretty sure Dom Irera, everybody. Pretty sure Dom Irera holds the record all time for appearances as a guest on Kill

Tony. You know him. You love him. He's at Vegas in two weekends at Tropicana Laugh Factory in Las Vegas. He's going to be in Philly Thanksgiving weekend. In a few weeks, he's going to be at Governor's in Long Island. So go to his website, domirera.com and get

tickets for his show. Josh Wolf everybody! He hosts one of my favorite podcasts, Controlled Chaos. I mean it really is so much fun. Such a silly fun show. I absolutely love doing it. And I have another appearance coming up in

December on that. He also has The Prince and the Wolf and he's going to be at Cobb's all of this weekend. So if you're still jonesing for more comedy after this weekend to kill Tony Mania's San Francisco, go check him out at Cobb's. Pure stand-up comedian. Been doing it a long time. And he's really fucking good. Check out Josh Wolfe.

And how about one more time for him hitting a million subscribers on YouTube? The one and only Jeremiah Watkins. Like I said earlier in the part that I plugged earlier, Huntington Beach, St. Louis, Kansas City, Chicago, and San Diego, jeremiahwatkins.com for tickets and posters are available, of course. They always will be. Yeah, the calendars are available. Add Jeremiah Stanton on social media.

And then Luis J. Gomez is my guest on Jeremiah Wonders this week. Look out for him later on YouTube. How about one more time for the great Chroma Chris over there, silent but deadly. Chroma, what do you think about tonight's episode? Tony, it was like a blast from the past. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. All right. And how about one more time for the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody.

Coming off an amazing week of shows. All these guys in the band. I had so much fun with them. A really amazing fucking cool road trip we all had. Joel, anything else? Mostly sorry on social media. Ludwig, drum official artist. What else, Joel?

Shout out to LA Speedway, Caveman Coffee. We love you guys. 10th Planet Jiu-Jitsu. That's right. Yeah, that's it. Peace out, you fucking idiots. Joel Jimenez, everybody. Go to RyanJBelt.com.

Get the new Kill Tony book, or you can get it off Amazon. And yeah, like we said, we're going to Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, D.C., Columbus, Pittsburgh, Cleveland. Calgary tickets are about to go up. I know I've been talking about that. That's at the end of January. And Storkade, a wrestling event here November 23rd. Anything else, Red Band? I have new Death Squad hat, shirts, Kill Tony shirts, shopsquad.tv.

And I have a huge announcement coming soon. Ooh, Caveman Coffee. Use the promo code KILLTONY. That's right. Zip Recruiter 2, Infinite CBD, and mybookie.ag. Thanks, everybody. Have code KILTONI. That's right. ZipRecruiter2, InfiniteCBD, and MyBookie.ag. Thanks, everybody. Have a good night, everyone. Thank you.ご視聴ありがとうございました Outro Music you