KILL TONY - KILL TONY #407

Episode Date: November 1, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 10/25/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv. There you and you are listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, DeathSquad.TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. November 7th, we're going to be in Washington, D.C. The first show sold out, so we added a second show, and it's almost sold out. November 10th, we'll be at the Gramercy Theater in New York. December 12th, we'll be in Columbus, Ohio at the Newport Music Hall.

December 14th, we'll be in Pittsburgh at the Rex Theater. December 15th, we'll be in Cleveland at the House of Blues. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. ShopSquad.tv, that's the official merchandise of the death squad universe there you have the new kill tony shirt you also have some hats some death squad shirts and a bunch of stuff that's shop squad dot tv tony hinchcliffe has his own website tony hinchcliffe.com there you have his own stand-up comedy tour dates some merchandise go to tonyHinchcliffe.com. And last but not least, Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist. He has a new Kill Tony book.

It's on Amazon or RyanJEbelt.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Brisbane, Australia for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchclap. It's the first ever episode of Kill Tony in Australia. What do you guys think? Should we do this shit? Wow.

The great Brian Redman is here, everybody. Come on. This is it. This is where the magic happens. We are live in Brisbane, Australia for the first time ever. We just flew in from the United States of America today. You guys excited about this or what? We're live here at the beautiful Eaton's Hill Hotel out here on the outskirts of Brisbane. This is very exciting. Tomorrow's sold-out show

in Melbourne, in Sydney, or as we call them, actual cities. And then for those of you listening, of course, we're in D.C. the first weekend in November. New York City at the Gramercy Theater again for our third show there this year. That's Sunday. Storcade, big pro wrestling event at the Comedy Store from the Store Horseman, November 23rd. And then Kill Tony back in Columbus the 12th of December, Pittsburgh the 14th of December, and Cleveland the 15th of December. So much fun. The great Ryan J. E. Belt sent along amazing custom-made Australian posters.

The big gay calendar of the band is for sale after the show. We have Tony Hinchcliffe pins, Kill Tony pins, and some other Jeremiah merch. It's going to be a lot of exciting fun. We're going to be slinging those after the show. We'll take a picture with you and sign some stuff. I'll paint a mustache on my pin if you buy one. Whatever. You guys know how it works.

You've listened to this show before. What? I like how you said paint. Why is it so loud? It's your first time talking into a microphone. Very good. Podcast king, Brian Redband. There's a lot of bass on these mics.

Oh, come on. Stop making wacky excuses. Get some pens. I'm going to go buy some pens. Bass. Anyway, lots of fun stuff coming up. Lots of fun shows. We never miss a Monday at home at the Comedy Store. But tonight is about tonight.

How about one more time for the comedian you saw earlier, Sean Conway, everybody. Australian law demands that you pay an Australian performer to perform on this show, and that's what that was. We decided to give him five minutes, ten minutes before the

actual show starts, because that's what we think about your talent around here. No guests tonight, as with all road episodes, as always. However, on this show, believe it or not, we do have a band. That's right.

You guys paid good money for these tickets, so we could bring a whole fucking crew out here, and so we did. They are some of my funniest friends on the planet this is their first time in australia this is their first time in front of an australian crowd every single episode they commit to being different characters maybe it's the return of a character we've seen before maybe it's the debut of a brand new character uh so why don't you give

them a big australian welcome to the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, the Kill Tony Band. Here we go. Oh, I had a feeling we might see these guys. Wow. There he is. Wow. There he is. It seems like they have a snake there.

Oh, they got him. There they are. It's the Outback guys. It's Pippi. Is it Pippi? It's Tippy, mate. Tippy? Tippy is here.

He's our famous Australian character. We've seen him on the show many a times and it appears you're back to your motherland, huh? I'm a trueblood. How's it going? Tippy is 100% Australian, but he's been on the show many a times. Welcome back, Tippy. Are you from Brisbane? Different parts of that. Yeah? Yeah. You seem really out of breath. Did you not see me wrestle the snake just a second ago? I mean, look at this thing. That snake seems pretty docile to me. Yeah, I was actually exactly going to use that term docile. Took you right out of my mouth.

Heck yeah. And then clearly back here we have the blondest Mexican boy that's ever lived in the universe. This is incredible. How are you, pal? Are you Australian too? No, I'm from San Diego, Tony. From San Diego. What's your name? Peter Gazelle. I moved out here to work with one of the best in the business,

Tibby, over here. Been under his wing for a few years now. Wow. Peter Gazelle and Tippi. But just like every bird, he must learn to fly on his own. Hey, look at that. Oh, that's a cheeky pup. We got Tippi. We got Peter Gazelle. This is very exciting, which brings me to this, everybody.

A true Australian treat. This is the Sean's Hat of Destiny. Remember Sean from earlier? Remember that big dumb hat he was wearing? Well, we put everybody's name in it that signed up for this show. A bunch of Australian performers for the first time ever. You guys probably know how it works. If you get pulled out of this hat, you get some uninterrupted stage time and then we interview you and talk about you about your normal life, find out more about you. You get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry, the valley bear. There you go. It's a kangaroo, actually. It's the valley kangaroo. The big gay valley kangaroo. You guys It's the Valley Kangaroo. The Big Gay Valley Kangaroo. You guys ready to start this show or what? Let's just jump right into it, shall we?

I'm going to be honest with you guys. We travel the whole world with this show, and for as many people that we have in this room, that's about one of the lamest applause I've ever heard in my entire life. Are you guys ready to start this fucking show? There you go. This guy fucking show? There you go. This guy gets it. There you go.

Got Isaac on the lights, Jono on sound. One more time. You guys ready to get this fucking thing started? Hell yeah. There's only one way to get on this stage, and that way is by making it all the way over there, around that railing, and coming up that stairway.

That young gentleman that blends in with the walls over there is going to help you up. So just look for him. And here we go. I'm going to pull a name out of this big sweaty fucking fat man's hat. And we're going to get this show underway. And the person starting the show tonight goes by the name of Sam Atkins. Here we go. Sam Atkins. Here we go. Sam Atkins.

You are the first ever comedian to get pulled out on Australia's first Kill Tony of all time. Here goes Sam Atkins. He looks Australian as fuck, ladies and gentlemen. This is really happening. Listen to the band killing it.

Here he comes, Sam Atkins, everyone. How you going? So I work as a tattoo artist, and the first thing everyone asks you is, have you tattooed a dick before? That's the first question. And yeah, I have. I'm a dick before? That's the first question. And yeah, I have. I'm a tattoo artist.

That's what I do. And the second question is, does it have to be hard? Does the guy have to be barred up? He doesn't have to be barred up to get a fucking tattoo on his dick. It would be really inappropriate and super awkward

if we both had erections. But I would gladly, gladly tattoo a hundred dicks before I had to tattoo another vagina. The kind of woman who wants a tattoo on her vagina is the kind of woman whose vagina you don't want to look at. It looks like a dog got hit by a car in the rain

and crawled between her legs to die. Hell yeah, Sam Atkins getting it started with a big bang. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. Looking like ACDC's bastard son up here. I like this. Way to get the show started, Sam. How are you, pal?

You feel good about it? Fuck, I'm so scared. Aw, don't be scared. The hard part's over. How long have you been doing stand-up? That's the first time. Wow, that's so good, Sam. I'm going to be honest with you.

That's a way to represent right there. That's a way to get the fucking Australian tour started with a first-time killer. Tippy, what do you think about that? I love this guy. Have you ever seen a creature like this? He's very interesting. He's got interesting family markings All over his body

Hell yeah So you're a tattoo artist Heck yeah Those are the only guns you guys use in this country right Pretty much You guys don't even have a real military But clearly your comedians Bomb pretty hard

Remember Sean from earlier Anybody have a kid You have a kid Alright but clearly your comedians bomb pretty hard. Remember Sean from earlier? Anybody have a kid? You have a kid? You have a kid? You have a kid? All right. So, Sam, that is awesome.

How old are you? 29. 29. Very good. Now, this creature looks much older than he actually is. Yes, you do. But I like your style, man. So tattoos is what you've been doing your whole life? Yeah, for like the last like eight years. Last eight years. Heck yeah. What else are you into? What do you do for fun? Pretty much takes up a lot of time doing tattoos,

do a lot of painting, drawing, that kind of stuff. So a lot of art. Absolutely. So you have tattooed vaginas before? Yeah. What kind of tattoos did you put on there? I did an angry bullhead like blowing steam into a vagina. Jesus Christ. Was this her idea or yours?

That was her idea. Was she passed out? No, no, no. We'll teach her a fucking lesson, mate. Did you do any good butthole ones? Not buttholes, not buttholes. One in the ink, two in the stink. My boss tattooed a girl's butthole

and she complained that it wasn't close enough in her butthole. Wow. Jesus. So what did you do? You shoved your needle up there? That is a mating call between two creatures. What's your love

life like? I've got a girlfriend. She's here somewhere. She left. She left already. She's gone now. She's seven months pregnant. Whoa. You made a little baby, huh? That's it. Look at you. Yeah, wait, what?

I think I saw her drinking earlier. She was at the water hole earlier. I did see that. I'm glad I did good. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure she would have got rid of it. Absolutely. Wait. Now, this creature does not care if he ever has sex again.

That's incredible, man. You guys know whether you're having a boy or a wallaby? Boy, yeah. A boy. Do you know if it's white or black yet? Good question. I don't think they have black people in Brisbane, so my guess is white. Wow.

Wow. Wow. So two months away, what do you think about this? Are you prepared psychologically? You ready for late nights? You seem like... I was more nervous about this, to be honest. Wow. Jeez Louise.

I can't wait for your little boy to see this one day and be like, wow. My dad never cared about me. What would you say if your kid wanted a face tattoo? Gay, that's a good question. As long as I don't have to tattoo his dick, it's alright. Wow. Jesus. Now,

what's the youngest dick you've ever tattooed? Do you have a limit for that or are you just like, come on down, any little kid you want? It's measured by handful. Wow. So you measure by size of penis.

Very good. So I didn't quite understand. It's like a bad roller coaster ride. You must be this long to get your tattooed dick. So do they have to be hard? I missed that part. No, no, they don't have to be hard How many dicks have you tattooed?

Not many, not many What was the tattoo on the penis? Was it a tattoo of what? A bigger penis You know you could say no to these dick tattoos You could be like, no Yeah It's good money

Yeah, he likes it Dick tattoos are much more expensive than regular tattoos. There's the handler's fees. And that's very scary when Brian Redband is your voice of reason. Yeah. You don't have tattoo gear on you, do you?

No, no, no. But it's in Brisbane. You want to come get a tattoo? It's too bad we leave tomorrow. Yeah. So what happens if you tattoo like a vein? Oh, fuck. But it's in Brisbane. You want to come get a tattoo? It's too bad we leave tomorrow. Yeah. So what happens if you tattoo like a vein? Oh, fuck. I don't know. Yeah, people tattoo veins all the time, Brian. It's not my dick.

That's interesting. Hell yeah. Anybody ever get sick or anything crazy ever happen in your tattoo chair no uh yeah i had the other the other week i was tattooing a girl and um her friend was there for support she's holding a hand and while i was working a friend she kept getting closer while i was tattooing and i was like you back the fuck up and then and then she just went face first into the tattoo. And she passed out. Not the girl getting the tattoo, but her friend just... Oh.

And then just collapsed on the floor. Oh, wow. Did you tattoo her pussy while she passed out? Sam, unbelievable way to start the show, man. For a first time, one of the all-time greats. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Sam Atkins, everybody.

He's on Instagram. Sam dot the dot tattoo dot man dot. Very interesting Instagram handle. Hey. Okay, let's keep it moving along. One word spelled Australian. Jared. J-A-R- One word, spelled Australian. Jared. J-A-R-R-Y-D.

Jared. Right up there. The lion sleeps tonight. Hey, hey, hey. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight. A-weem-ba-wack, a-weem-ba-wack. Jared, everybody.

Fuck. I'm more nervous than a fucking Russian gold medalist at a drug test right now. Holy shit. So I've been living with my roommate for about three years. He's a bit of a clean freak. Cleans everything. Wes loves when he eats fucking burgers and shit.

Real clean freak. Asked him to do the downright most disgusting thing I've ever seen him do. I saw him eat a fucking sandwich on the toilet. Fucking disgusting. But my God, does it save time. That's all I have. Thank you. Fuck yeah, 35 seconds. The lion sleeps tonight.

Hey, hey, I didn't understand a word you said. You didn't talk into the microphone. I was trying to signal to you almost the entire time. You really let the fear eat you alive on that one. I don't know what's happening. You seem very soft. Do we have to feed you eucalyptus leaves for you to get more energy?

What's going on over here, Jared? Tibby, what did you think about that? I just thought the jokes were going to get better when the mic was raised to his mouth, but no, they didn't. It's a very interesting method. You almost didn't give yourself a chance.

First time doing stand-up? Yeah, definitely. Heck yeah. Congratulations. It's also, fun fact, it's also his last time doing stand-up. Definitely, 100%. This is a retirement party for you, Jared. Get that mic right up to your mouth during this interview part. Let's get some redemption going here.

Let's figure out what the fuck's going on. What do you do for work, Jared? I work in the hospital as an administrator. Administrator. Strudel? Wow. I'm so fucking nervous. I'm sorry.

No, it's okay. You signed up for this. What did you think was going to happen? This. Yeah, absolutely. It feels good. up for this. What did you think was going to happen? This. Yeah, absolutely. It feels good. You got the adrenaline running through you right now. You got one finger in your pocket.

What was that move, dude? That's the most Australian shit I've ever seen in my life. No need to put the whole hand in there. Just get my point across. Got to do something with me hand. I'm nervous as fuck, mate. Put your finger in your pocket. Now, in the...

It's hard to didgeridoo. Absolutely. That's what we call that, the old one finger in the pocket, the didgeridoo. One finger in the pocket in the animal kingdom. This is referred to as a beta male. Heck yeah. What part of town are you from? From Tenerife.

Tel Aviv? You look like you could be from Tel Aviv. I like that. Tenerife? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there an airport there? No, that's a different place.

Tenerife. Hell yeah. What else are you into, man? What do you do for fun when you're not doing administrative work? Yeah, you ever tattoo a kid's dick before? Not yet, not yet. The night is young. Fuck.

Very strange response. Oh, fuck me. If you don't ever answer the question, we're just gonna keep making fun of you. So what do you do when you're not doing administrative work? Skateboard. I'm trying to learn how to surf at the moment, and I suck completely at it.

No, I bet. Hell yeah. So you skateboard, though. suck completely at it. No, I bet. Hell yeah. So you skateboard, though. You good at it? No, hell no. I had a massive stab the other week. Is there anything you're good at? Not really.

Not at all? Definitely not comedy. Not comedy. Sure. I mean, it's your first time, and you sucked. But skateboarding, surfing, you're not good at any of these things. But they're the first two things you named. You good at making love?

That's my lovely girlfriend. That's your girlfriend? Is he good at making love? Six or seven out of ten. Wow. A six or seven out of ten is what she just screamed throughout the audience. And

this in the animal kingdom is what we refer to as a cunt. Wow. Let me ask you this, since this is the most interesting thing about Jared. What do you think, you gave him a six or seven,

which let's face it, that's a hard four. Because you are in public. So what's something, if you could give him a piece of advice right now, what's something in the bedroom that he could do better or work better at? Just don't overthink it. Just go ahead and blurt it right out. He reckons I'm a six or seven out of ten. He reckons that?

Yeah. Wow. Okay. There's only one way to do this, and that's for Tibby to have sex with this woman right now. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I agree.

Put it in her out back and her out front. You know what I'm saying? Come on, answer my question. What could he do better in the bedroom? What's something you think... And this question's just for her. All the funny men with shaved heads and beards in the audience that think they're hilarious.

Go ahead, answer the question, sweetheart. Oh, jeez. jeez Real show business queen I see you guys must have the same sense of humor Match made in fucking boredom land Judging by this male's confidence He will go extinct very soon My goodness, Jared You're not good at anything, according to you.

I mean, no other hobbies or anything? You ever win a trophy for anything? You ever... No. I just can't even think right now. This is amazing. Thank you. Of course.

Wait, what'd you say? I said I can't even think right now, but this is amazing, and thank you. It's amazing, and thank you. You still haven't figured the mic thing out, have you? No. I like it, man. What do you do for fun?

Like, I mean, you ever go out and do anything? You ever take the girl out? Yeah, yeah, yeah, we go out. Yeah, like what? What do you guys do? You go for drives? Go for drives, go to the beach, go out and get trash in the valley. There you go.

Yep. Then keep it there the entire time. Stop moving it away. Look how bad you want to move that microphone away. I really do. Keep it right there. I like your shaky hand. Just keep it. Just fucking own it, dude.

Alien hand syndrome. Own it. That didn't make Michael J. Fox quit, did it? No, you fucking stay right there. You just own it. So we go for drives. We go out drinking. I take her out on dates.

Yeah, you guys drink. You guys ever go on drives while you're drinking? Because I think that'd be great. I think you guys should get drunk and go up on the coast. You know what I mean? Like find a ledge, hit the gas. You could be the next Kevin Hart after your first time of doing stand-up comedy. You could just jump right into the game.

Can we tattoo a six on this guy's dick? I love it. We need Sam Atkins to bring his tattoo gun if we ever come back to Brisbane. We could turn that into a whole goddamn thing. Well, Jared, I'll tell you this. You got your first time out of the way. You'll never be this nervous again if you ever do it again. And if you want to do it, you should fucking do it.

Nothing harder than having your first time on a show like this in front of all these amazing comedy fans. Hell yeah. Way to do it, Jared. There you go. One more time for Jared, everybody. The lion sleeps tonight.

Hey, hey. In the jungle, the mighty jungle. The audience sleeps during Jared. Wee-ba-whacka, wee-ba-whacka. Alright. I pulled another name out of the bucket Make some noise for your next comedian

He goes by the name of Conrad Close Here we go Right from the second row Conrad Close Here he is. One more time for Conrad Close. Hey. So I can clearly remember the very first day

that I ever saw my first porno. I was 12, and my best friend brought in around a VHS, and we were so excited. But what I remember was how relieved I was that all the shame and all that shit I was afraid of sharing with the world was totally normal. And my friend felt it and they were filming movies about it. I was like, oh my God, I don't have to keep it a secret anymore.

This is amazing. Because think about the alternative. Imagine if you came into the world and the best thing that you ever wanted to do was to rub your elbows on bread or something. And then you kept it a secret, because no one else ever does that, right? But then one day your friend comes around with a tape, and he says, you've got to watch this.

This is the best thing ever. Puts the tape on, and it's dudes, adults, rubbing their elbows on bread all around the world. Multi-grain bread. Brown bread. He's choking the bread, and you're like he's hurting the bread you can't hurt the bread but the bread kind of seems into it so he's like maybe maybe i should do that but am i a bad person if i choke the bread oh yeah absolutely how exciting is this aust Australian Mark Zuckerberg, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, God, you beat me to it. This is frightening. Oh, my God, I've never seen someone look like Neil Brennan and Freddy Krueger at the same time. This is mind-boggling. It's like Louis UK over here. Louis UK. Louis UK. Wow, I love it, man.

You are just a real Australian gentleman. Look at you, talking about a porno where the guys rub elbows on bread? Exactly. What a twist. He's definitely the strangest species of bird we've had up here all night. Wow, you did that. When you moved your head like that, it made that... Look at that.

Hey, do it again. When you moved your head like that, I made that. Look at that. Hey, do it again. That's incredible. Wow, I had no idea that Australians could do that with just a little wacky head movement. That's very impressive. We can all do it. That's amazing. So welcome to the show, Conrad. First time doing stand-up?

First time ever. All first times here tonight. Look at this. We're popping cherries like a motherfucker. I like it. Whoopsie. So what have you been doing with your life up until this point? Tell us more about the real Conrad Close.

Sure. This year I was traveling the world for six months. I saw you guys in L.A. in early September. Hell yeah. And that kind of inspired me to give it a shot. Yeah, so I've been traveling and going back to college next year. Heck yeah. What are you studying in college? I'm going to be studying

web development. Oh, web development. Absolutely. Which reminds me Mark Zuckerberg. You don't even need web developers anymore. Just go to Wix.com and You mean Squarespace. Yeah, Squarespace for sure, Squarespace, for sure. He's leeks.

I forgot. I have two different podcasts. Whoopsie daisies. I was watching a golden orb spider earlier today, and its web development was unbelievable. Hey, that's actually true. We did. Shout out to Lone...

Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary. That's right. Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary. We held one of them. We all got pictures with one of those stinky devils. Well, those things ruined the smell of eucalyptus for me for life. I'm pretty sure. It's true.

He was terrified. I was. I got bad vibes from that's true. He was terrified. I was. I got bad vibes from that koala. You really did. It's a very trippy little animal. I don't trust things that move that slow. To see Tony Hinchcliffe feed an animal might be

the greatest pleasure of my life. Thank you, Tibby. Conrad, do you ever deal with any of these wild Australian animals out here? I used to live near Lone Pine, actually, so went there a few times. Yeah, we see everything. Kangaroos, koalas, possums.

Possums are very common here. Yeah, you ever suck off a wallaby or anything like that? You ever do anything crazy? Not yet, not yet. No. You have a girlfriend? No. Tommy.

Sure. This guy looks like Cock-a-child Dundee. Wow. Cock-a- A pedophile joke. Cock-a-child. He looks like a pedophile. Yep. That is true.

Look at that. You really, uh. I like that version of the joke that has no fat on it. Just straight to the facts. This guy's a pedophile. That's what I like. Abso-fucking-lutely. What do you think is the most Australian

thing about you? If you had to guess, other than your face and skin color. I'm really un-Australian. I don't drink beer. I don't watch sport. Yeah, I'm sorry. Oh, whoa. This guy's

clearly not one of us. Wow, that's incredible. I can not one of us. Wow. It's incredible. I can't think of anything. Wow. Everyone in the room hates you right now. For those of you listening to the podcast, you just got attacked by a magpie.

It flew in from up above. Heck yeah. You ever been attacked by a magpie? Yes. You said you're single. Is that by choice? Good question. It depends.

I guess it depends. I'm not looking right now, but I am open. Uh-huh. You are open. This is like a, what are you, a Woolworths? Not that much going on, but we're open. Fuck yeah, man. not that much going on but we're open fuck yeah man last date you went on how did that go well I just broke up

I was seeing someone while traveling for four months four months you said that you just broke up and then you said we broke up I ended it you ended it why did you end it because it was a long distance relationship she was in Japan

And it's very difficult Oh wow Geez By Japan you're talking about Sunnybank? What's that mean? It's just fucking killer Australian references, baby. This is my fourth year in Brisbane in a row. Explain it for all the people listening that don't know.

It's just a real Asian part of town. It's where they keep all of their Asians. It's pretty easy to understand. Brian wants direction. Yeah. They have Asians out here? Not here at Eaton's Hill for some reason. Look at these guys in the front.

You think they allow Asians anywhere around here? What the fuck are you talking about? Where'd you meet an Asian? In Japan. She's from Japan. Yeah, so you were in Japan and you met her. Were you getting a massage at the time? What are we talking about?

No, we met on Tinder and we dated for four months. We tried to do the long distance thing but it's difficult. Yeah, and not cost effective either. Do you have to have a Japanese calling card or something like that or is it just the inside of a fortune cookie?

Just dial the rocky numbers oh my god it's so funny they said you can't do asian impressions anymore and i literally since i found out about that i've done it on every single double down yeah you've gone even my girlfriend's pissed off at you i go all right i in! I love it, man. So, has she ever been to Australia? She has. She actually studied here for ten months. That's what those kinds of people do.

They just study and study and study. It never stops. What was she studying? Law. Oh, you should totally get back together with her. Asian girl that's doing law? She's probably going to be rich. She wanted children, and I don't want kids,

so that's also a big reason. Ah, she wanted little fucking little babies, huh? Yeah. You didn't want to, what's up with that? I've had a vasectomy. I don't want kids. You had a vasectomy? My God, look at you.

You got the old, Tibby, what do you think about that? This is an Australian male that's had the old pipes. I do understand it very well. Australian semen is very potent. If you get it anywhere near a woman's china, it doesn't go, it just goes straight through, straight to the womb and instantly impregnates a woman.

So I totally understand it's not typical, but I respect it. Wow, that is incredible. Now, how old are you, mate? I'm 34. Now, that is strange. How old were you when you got the vasectomy? 32.

Wow, 32. And what was the thought behind it? You just wanted to be able to put a little cream cheese in her wonton and not worry about it? A little spring in her roll? Yeah. Put a little egg drop in her soup bowl, you know what I'm saying? Put a little fucking kung pao into her chicken ding? A little dump in her ling?

Yeah. A little bit of beef in her brock. Yeah. Give her some of that good old genital sews. You know what I mean? I was single when I got it. I was single. Give her some of that ramen.

You know what I mean? I was single when I had it. It was just a preventative thing. I didn't want to have to work. Have you ever heard of condoms? Yeah, why'd you go straight to that? I'm very cautious. Very cautious. This sounds like he still uses a condom.

Look, I'm also going to encourage you to put this Plan B in your green tea. But what's the reason? You just don't want that you hate kids so much? Kids suck. Are you afraid you're going to touch them if you have any? I just don't want kids, and I would hate to accidentally bring a kid into the world,

even if I was being careful, so there we go. I feel like this is the guy that got the tattoo artist's wife pregnant. I feel like secretly. So now do you just blast away? Yeah. You just fucking fire and fucking Australian missiles. I'm always careful. I'm always careful.

So you still pull out even though you've got a vasectomy. I feel like you take plan B afterwards. Yeah. I feel like he pulls out even when he jacks off alone. Yeah. Well, Conrad, it takes real,

but even though you've had a vasectomy, it takes real balls to sign up for this show. And you did it here tonight. Conrad close everybody. We're going to keep flying through it. Man, that's... He's got some demons, you can tell. He's got some demons in his semen.

You know what I'm saying? This guy. Look at him. He's getting taller as he walks back to his seat. One more time for Conrad, everybody. All right. This is the part you can feel the tension in the room every time a name gets pulled out here.

A lot of first-timers so far. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Nick Ledger. Nick Ledger. Here we go. Might be related to Heath An Australian actor I think that's him over there Nick Ledger's walking to this stage Here he is everybody

Live in the flesh Nick Ledger Hey guys So I'm a locksmith And as a locksmith you have to find a coping mechanism to deal with the shit we do. I like to take the piss and say we're like legal criminals, or thieves, mostly because of our prices.

But seriously, locksmithing can be a mentally straining job. We see the occasional dead body, and far too often, we see the emotional toll burglaries take on people. Like the last major break-in I attended, the guy lost pretty much everything he had, even his new TV. As you can guess, he was absolutely devastated. Not me though, I got to go home and watch Netflix on my brand-new 75-inch smart TV. Life's good. I think breakdancers are too exclusive, man. I mean, don't get me wrong, what they do is really cool, but when you break down, just

a bunch of people standing in a circle with music on in the background, and someone's pretty much flopping around in the center of that circle, and they call that performing art. You'd think it'd be open to interpretation, right? But no, when I do it, I'm just overdosing at a festival. That's all I've got.

Thank you very much, guys. Yeah, Nick Ledger. There you go. You got through it, pal. Is that an Australian thing to hold the microphone in another hemisphere? Yeah, sorry, dude. I mean, it's right here. It's got to just be right next to your mouth, guys.

I don't know. I don't know what the fuck you guys are used to down here. What kind of dingle? What is it in here? Was that really bad? Nah, yeah. Oh, sorry. Sorry, guys.

Sorry. We understood some parts. They seem to have gotten the end. What is it in here? Was that really bad? Nah, yeah. Oh, sorry. Sorry, guys. Sorry. We understood some parts. They seem to have gotten the end. I loved it. Thank you very much. He speaks Australian, though. That's titty over there. Yeah, the locksmithing, the breakdancing, I enjoyed it.

Absolutely. It's awesome to see you guys in Brisbane, man. It's awesome. Thank you. Hell yeah. Thank you, man. Thank you. Thank you.

It's good to be here. I'm glad you wore your most wrinkled T-shirt for the occasion. That's a sweet shirt. Thank you very much, man. Absolutely. I always wondered what happened to the host of Blue's Clues. Yeah. I think he got done for coke, like legitimately done for coke.

I know. I'm aware. Went out with a bang, man. It was sick. Yeah, good to see you. So, Nick, first time doing stand-up? This is my sixth time. Sixth time ever.

Heck, yeah. So, you started recently? I started last year, and then I just procrastinated a shitload. So, now I've just watched people keep going, and I can't give up. It's way too much fun, man. Absolutely.

Yeah. I think I've just got to cut down on the size of my, like, lead-up to the punchline. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man. Absolutely. I think I'm just going to cut down on the size of my lead-up to the punchline. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh-huh. Absolutely. This is what happens when you get a woman pregnant when you have a vasectomy.

Yeah, exactly. You look like Tom Hardley. Hey, look at that. Wow, that's the one. Look at that. He got it's the one. Look at that. He got it started. Fuck yeah. By the way, just for the audience's information,

Tony has understood zero words from this comedian. Yeah, absolutely. This fucking Peaky Blinders motherfucker up here. I have no idea what's going on. So, Nick Ledger, what do you do for work? I'm a locksmith. You're a locksmith? Yeah, yeah. So like literally legal criminals.

They're like, oh, I left my keys out. So you just like find a way to break in. It's pretty fun. Yeah, absolutely. I own a dog too. I totally understand what you're saying. So you're a veterinarian and that's what you love more than anything.

Married for eight years And uh No I love it Locksmith definitely So any crazy situations ever happen with that Anybody ever get naked and lock themselves Out of their hotel room or something like that After they peed on the door in Ireland

Red band That's a key card He was in his underwear He wasn't naked Red band. That's a key card. No. He was in his underwear. He wasn't naked. No, you get, like, morbid shit, like, after, like, domestic abuse and shit. So it's like that.

But then you see, like, dead bodies, which is pretty fucking crazy, too. Yeah? Where'd you see a dead body at? Like, just for the police. We have to gain entry if they don't know if someone's alive. So you just, it's like a 50-50 when you go to the job. It's like, oh, they could just not be home. Yeah, I'm Italian, absolutely. I agree with you 100%.

Heck yeah. Wow, so what do you like to do for fun when you're not cracking locks? I've been doing bouldering. Bouldering's pretty sick, so like rock climbing. Bouldering? Bouldering. What?

What? Yeah, we call it bouldering? Bouldering. What? What? Yeah, we call it bouldering over here. Really? Do you really? It's what we call it. How long have you called it bouldering? Ever since I was a mere dingo.

So that's mountain climbing. It's rock climbing indoors, but half the height without the harness. Half the height without the harness. So it's gay rock climbing. It's rock climbing indoors, but half the height without the harness. Half the height without the harness. So it's gay rock climbing. Yeah. Heck yeah. Absolutely. So you climb little rocks.

Half the height, no harness. You ever fall? Yeah, you fall all the time You fall on other dudes' penises? Fall in love with a dude? No Joel's heating up back here Look out Wow, what else?

When you're not bouldering, what else are you into? I try archery Fucking terrible at it though Fitness and shit What else? When you're not bouldering, what else are you into? I tried archery. Fucking terrible at it, though. Fitness and shit. I just try and keep regularly fit. Trying to do a bit of this as much as I can. And then just keep fit doing some bouldering.

Oh, you're a lottery winner. That's so cool. My goodness. I don't understand what he's saying. You have that thick accent. What part of town are you from? Where are you from? From Brisbane. Yeah, from Brisbane.

Yeah? Just right here? Just north Brisbane. Just 20 minutes north. North Brisbane? What are we talking about? Are we talking about fucking Kalbucha? Lawnton. Lawnton.

Lawnton. Yeah. Oh, wow. So the accent's thicker in Brisbane, right? Compared to like all of Australia, it's a little thicker. They won't admit to it, but yes. Yes, it is. For sure.

These are some... Shut the fuck up. The fuck is this fucking Brisbane Waldo fuck over here? Shut your fucking mouth. Couldn't even understand what he was saying. When you get pulled out of this sweatball hat, you can fucking talk. Just for the record. Fucking wacky ass Australians chiming in on this shit like a goddamn magpie.

No one asked for your opinion. I saw this new locksmith thing where it's like a drill that vibrates it so you can unlock any lock in like a second. Yeah, yeah, it's not that new. We all use it. It's like... Yeah, idiot. So your job is pretty much any of us could buy this

like 20 thing and yeah wow and it's a trade you get paid heaps it's sick it's so easy looking yeah that's incredible uh so uh man that is so interesting what what else about you nick i feel like there's something we haven't quite covered about you. You know what it is. What's something that you wouldn't want this audience to know? I'm partially dead inside. Like half-hearted. Really?

No. You look like if Stewie from Family Guy did CrossFit. That's true. You do look like that. How about you? You have a girlfriend here tonight? No, I'm single, yeah. How long's that been for?

Just a few weeks. What happened a few weeks ago? It was just a friends with benefits thing, so it wasn't really dating. It was just seeing someone for a bit. She caught me breaking into her house. With this drill thing, it's actually been around for a bit. She caught me breaking into her house. Yeah. With this drill thing, it's actually been around for a while, Brian. That's fun.

Well, Nick, fun stuff, man. Sixth time ever on stage, but somehow you're the most experienced comedian that got pulled out of the hat so far tonight. Thank you very much. So congratulations on that, and thanks for signing up. There he goes, Nick Ledger, everybody.

Thank you. Congratulations on that. Thanks for signing up. There he goes, Nick Ledger, everybody. It's okay, pal. You're all right. Don't sit there with a fucking pouty face now, all right? This fucking little baby just... Relax, all right? Enjoy yourself. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Elon Scully. Elon Scully.

Elon Scully. Here he comes. He's always satisfied. We always dream about each other. Step back from that ledge My little friend Step back from that ledge My friend and Here we go.

Elon Scully, ladies and gentlemen. All right. I was going to pull out last minute of this and not come up, but three kids to three different women, and pull out's not in my fucking... That's not in my DNA. I'm never going to pull out. Fuck.

Holy shit. This is surreal as fuck. What was the other one? Oh, I look like George Michael and Kelly Slater had a baby and then I was raised by meth-addicted bikers. Here's another one. I'll just tell a story. So back when I was 15, I got up on...

Everybody knows what Channel V is, right? They called me up to sing Seven Nation Army in front of everybody and there was, like, four dudes before me and all four dudes got bars, like, while the song was on and then there's a solo in Seven Nation Army and I got handed the mic just as the Seven Nation Army solo started so everybody in the crowd booed when I stood there and said nothing. So I'm stoked I got like a couple of laughs out of this tonight.

There you go. Elon Scully. Holy fuck. What happened, man? What do you mean, what happened? Oh, you didn't notice, huh? No, sorry. Yeah, I got my dick tattooed before I come up here.

You what? What did you do? I got my dick tattooed before I come up here. Oh, I see. You're trying to make jokes and shit. I thought I'd try one. Now, Tony, in the United States, this is what's known as a douchebag.

Now, Tony, in the United States, this is what's known as a douchebag. Hell yeah. No, I accept it. I accept it. Elon, so... Eon. Eon is in, like, forever, but not really that long. Oh, that's an I after the E? Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. Fuck you. Eon Scully. So close to having the name of a genius. Definitely not one of those. My goodness. So this didn't go like you thought it was going to go.

I'm shitting myself. Four years of watching you guys and then finally, like, I was hoping I didn't get called out. I'm going to tell you something, Eon. I'm going to get right to the point here. I'm very, very, very disappointed in you. Okay? You signed up for a show, and it didn't seem like you really prepared,

but I want you to make it up to me. Are you willing to make it up to me? Yeah, go on, then. Yes. Yeah, righto. I'm going to tell you something. Look, I broke a rule. I was listening to the podcast you dropped just recently,

and I drank before I come up. Well, that brings me to exactly what I'm going to ask you to do to make up for this with me. This is Brian, Jeremiah, and Joel's first time ever in Australia, and they have never seen anyone do a shooie before. The shoe's off. Can we get a beer? Can someone grab me a beer? If you know what these are, they're NMDs

and they cost me a little bit. Can someone grab a beer? It's worth some money. I'll drink a shooie. What about it? I don't give a fuck. Here you go. Here's a fresh beer, ladies and gentlemen.

This shit's about to go down. This is the first ever Shoei in Keltonia history. This one goes out for the people on YouTube up there. Hand the microphone to Tibby over there. We don't want to get it all wet. Have you ever seen this before, Joel? This is an Australian tradition called a shooey. Can I have some Zantac 45 to put in this, too?

Shut up and drink it. There you go, your first ever shooey. Yeah. Wow. There you go. That seems like a bad idea. There you go. That seems like a bad idea. Australian as fuck. Nobody tells you about that part.

Fuck. Thank you, Eon. Hey, I got told to mention this when I was on stage, so I have DNMs with William. Uh-huh. Yeah, he calls me regularly. William Montgomery calls you? Legit, I'm not even joking.

You want to call him right now? He actually told me to call you on the side. Okay, call him. What is it, 5 a.m. there right now? Yeah, he calls me, but you know, he's usually awake at 5 a.m. Hit send on that shit. I turned my phone off because I was dying before I got here. Wow, you are a complete fuck-up.

I am a failure. Hey, three kids to three different women shows, I am a complete fuck-up. I am a failure. Hey, three kids to three different women shows, I am a complete fuck-up. Oh, my God, I know. You'd fucking cream pie a magpie if you had a chance. I'll cream pie a cream pie. All right. Eon, you are 0 for 14 on jokes tonight.

I don't know if you're keeping track of this or what. I don't know what part of Logan you drove down from. Actually, Rockhampton. Rockhampton. Rockhampton. I actually drove 800 kilometers to get here today. Looks like we found ourselves an old Logan Bogan. Am I right? What's going on over here?

You smell like beer-filled shoes. I'm kidding. What's going on? How often do you and William talk on the phone? Very regularly to the point where I was that excited. Wow. Are you going to call him or what? Hit fucking send on the phone call.

Send a picture of his freckled dick to him. Let's see if William picks up here. I think it would be a goddamn anomaly if William... It would be unreal if he did. Is it on speaker? Yeah. You have it on speaker? Yeah, it is.

It's a video call. It's a video call. Oh, my God. William Anser. Wait, that's going to go in very late. I doubt that he's going to pick up, but it would be worth it. It would save the segment of your part of the show. Hey, man, I got to come up.

I'm pretty stoked. Heck, yeah. Well... I just got a Tinder match. I got to come up. I'm pretty stoked. Heck yeah. I just got a Tinder match. Shout out to my ex-girlfriend. Wow. Which one? What? Three different baby mamas, huh?

Oh, well, that... No, I'm not going to go into it. I've got a question for you. You've got a microphone on your hand there, right? So are you a singer? Yeah, singer. Oh, interesting. I didn't know Brisbane had an eight mile.

Yeah. I'm more like three mile. God, you're awful. What the fuck does that mean? What do you do for work? I ship truck parts out to mines from Central Queensland. From Central Queensland. From Central Queensland. Oh, man.

Jesus, I just thought you were the DJ at the beat. Oh, no. I blow the DJ at the beat. The local gay bar at the beat? My goodness. What kind of singing do you do, mate? Yeah, let's... Metal singing.

Definitely no Disturbed, but yeah, I used to sing metal and punk. Why don't you acapella something right now? Just give us a little sample of something that you could do. I don't want to be one of those guys that doesn't do it and hesitates. Just get right into it. I've all seen the man at the liquor store begging for your change. Hair on his face is dirty, dreadlocked and full of mange. If you ask a man for wine, he can spare with shame.

Boo me because I'm used to it, please. The lights make it so much better. It actually makes it way sadder for some reason. I don't know why. You said metal and then you started singing Everlast Blues song. At fucking 10% effort. Alright, Eon.

You know what? Thanks for doing the shoeie. You completely redeemed yourself. Eon Scully, everybody. Hey, thanks, Pete Scott. Let's keep it moving along here. She's always satisfied. Do you know how that shoe thing started? Let's keep it moving along here She's always satisfied Do you know how that shoe thing started?

Like where's that from? It was the great Steve Irwin once did it And ever since then Everybody does it I don't know, no I don't think anyone knows how it started But Australians fucking love it more than anything in the world Pulled a name out of the bucket.

Your next comedian is Darren Watson. Darren Watson. Darren Watson. Darren, here he comes. This way, Darren. Fuck yeah. You know, Darren. Fuck yeah. You know this is going to go good. You come and go.

You come and go. Yeah. How you going, fellas? First of all, this first bit is going to be a fair bit about my girlfriend. It's just a bit of petty revenge for the way she was looking at me when I said I was going to come up on this podcast. So, anyway, why is she allowed to look at food porn when I'm making food, but I'm not allowed to look at porn when she's looking at...

when we're about to have sex? It's a bit of a... It's a bit of a disconnection where she's going to be looking at when we're about to have sex. It's a bit of a disconnection where she's going to be looking at that food porn and I'm going to be not allowed to look at porn before sex. It's a bit of an unfortunate circumstance. You've got to be careful, though, because if she's going to be... Yeah, hold your laughs. Hold your laughs, guys.

So it's going to be of an unfortunate circumstance if you try to get to start doing stuff in the bedroom, though, because I tried to get it a bit rough with me last night, and she was... She, unfortunately, she leaned over into my ear and she said, you're 30 years old and you've got $300 in your bank account. That was a bit too rough for me. I was fucking...

I fucking forgot my safe word after that one. And, yeah, that's all I had, actually. I tried to fill out the time because I thought people would be laughing so fucking hard fucking forgot my safe word after that one and uh yeah that's all i had actually i thought i tried to fill out the time because i thought people would be laughing so fucking hard that i wouldn't have to make any more jokes than that and that was about it there you go absolutely darren watson hell yeah buddy you come and go oh oh oh oh, oh. Welcome to the show, Darren. First time doing stand-up? Yeah, definitely.

Absolutely. Well, welcome. Congratulations to you. I can see you analyzing me, getting the jokes ready for me. Just looking up and down all over. I got one. Yeah, go ahead. Yes, please.

You look like Daniel Day-Lewis. Wow. I wrote down Daniel Gay-Lewis. Oh, shit. I thought I went, okay. I didn't know if he rock climbed yet. Been from shoeie to shoehorn, huh? Let's check in with Tibby over there.

He does look like the wanted poster of an old-timey boxer. I don't know about this one, though, because this is a bit of a cultural appropriation, I think, maybe going on with these guys. I think I might be a little bit offended. I'm from San Diego. I might have to go on the Twitter about this one, though, because this is a bit of a cultural appropriation, I think, maybe, going on with these guys. I think I might be a little bit offended. I'm from San Diego. I might have to go on the Twitter after this one. It's a little bit too much.

Abso-fucking-diddly-doodly, buddy. Whatever you just said, I completely agree. Didgeridoo, don't mention it. You know what I'm saying, dude? You're fucking... You are so Australian, it's crazy. Do you live at the koala park that we went to today? Yeah, actually.

I tried to do a minute before I got up here, and then I listened on the phone, and I was like, I can barely fucking understand what I'm saying, and I have the Australian accent. Have you ever thought about perhaps trimming your mustache a bit? No, no, no. I think it's messing up the way you talk. It works really good.

Last time I saw a bush that thick, it was Jeremiah in San Francisco having a pubic hair competition. I don't know if you know this, but Jeremiah has the pubic hair of a 50-year-old woman with Down syndrome. Oh, really? Shit. Let's just say my outback is completely unmaintained. I don't know. So, Darren, let's talk about it. Yeah.

What have you been doing with your life up until this point? I work in a contact center, so I put on the contact center very often. What? I said I work in a contact center, so I put on the contact center voice very often. Oh, okay. I don't know how close I got. I pretty much got to be touching the mic with my... What's a contact center? Yeah... What's a contact center?

Yeah. What's a contact center? It's like a phone. You talk on the phone all day with a headset. Yes, I sit on the phone all day with a headset. Right. Do you come to work in one of those bikes that have the really big back wheel and they're really small? Plenty of driving.

Yeah. Yes. Well, actually, I ride a unicycle. So I actually do ride a unicycle. Do you really? Yes, actually, 100%. Oh, goddamn. Yeah, I know.

It's all coming together now, isn't it? Wow. That's incredible. So what other wacky shit do you do when you're not on a unicycle? I feel like you have a future. Me? Wacky shit? Let's check in with Tibby real quick. I don't know, though.

It's hard to judge this live. Hey, Darren, did you fucking hear me say we're checking in with Tibby? Are you running your own fucking show over there? Let's check in with Tibby for a second. Okay, sorry about that. All right, we'll see if this works. Very delayed, but did the unicycle come as soon as you grew the mustache? Well, it's a bit of a chicken egg.

Did it spring out of the ground And like present itself like I'm your new Hello owner You know Hey it's nice to meet you I'm the unicycle That's magically gifted to you And you grow that stache

So it came together When I bought the unicycle I got the mustache Darren when you're not On the What other tricks You got up your sleeve I feel like there's other things.

No one just rides a unicycle. There's always something else, like rubbing your head and your belly at the same time. What do you juggle while you do it? No, I just stopped it at the unicycle. I thought that was over-performing for myself, honestly. Has anyone told you that you literally sound like a didgeridoo? I mean, you just don't stop.

There's no space in between your words. So it's... I don't really do anything else. When I got the unicycle, that's just what I did. So I just keep the unicycle. I didn't really ever find the need to juggle anything at all. I work at a contact center.

Contact center, unicycle, unicycle, contact center. Never shaved my mustache. All right, we get it. Quit taking the piss out of my mate over there. Now, I think maybe go for a little bit longer. It might be even funnier if you go for longer. I have no idea what you're saying.

Oh, they groaned at that. Was he mean to me? No, no, no. What did he say? Don't translate. Don't translate. Alright, well, there you go. I've always wondered what Australian Clark Kent would look like. This is pretty much it. Oh, shit.

You mean a phone beauty. Hey, that's... Darren, what did you say about my mom? What's a likable thing about you? Like, what's... Darren, what's... What did you say about my mum, Justin? What's a likeable thing about you? Like, what's something that would make us all be like, oh, that Darren Watson's a cool guy after all. Forget the unicycle thing. How long have I got?

Huh? How long have I got? How long have you got? Yeah, to think of the answer. To live, hopefully not long. Unfortunate, unfortunate. All these people want you to die, Darren. I'm trying to save you here.

I asked you what's a likable thing about you. I know you're trying. It can't be done. Do you wait until somebody else starts talking for you to start talking? Yeah, I wait. Let's check in with Tibby. It's the most annoying thing to do.

Shut the fuck up. God, you are the worst of all time. Jeremiah, go ahead. What did you say, Joe? Tibby. It's the most annoying thing to do. Don't shut the fuck up. Guys, you are the worst of all time. Jeremiah, go ahead. What did you say, Jack? Tibby here. All right. So Tony is having problems understanding you, right? Yep.

So I think he's already done his impression of you. I think that you should do your impression of Tony. There you go. There you go. Absolutely. Another segment created by Tibby. Go ahead. Hey you go. There you go. Absolutely. Another segment created by Tibby. Go ahead. Hey, guys. Well, it's great to see you guys

all out here. It's, you know, good to see Brisbane. Give it up to Brisbane. The crowd goes wild, everybody. That was incredible. Thank you, Tibby, for that great, great segment. Well, when you endorse it like they're going to be shit segments, you always wonder why they don't go well.

No, that's not true at all. And it's because in the setup, actually, it's negative in connotation. And it really buries me in a hole before the segment even starts. And then, therefore, we're off to a bad start. So, therefore, it's negative. So, therefore, if you would have been a little bit more supportive, you're like, ah, it's all right. I don't know. I'm not buying it.

Listen, I'm going to be like a naggy girlfriend right now. You set me up poorly, mate. You set it up. Anyway. You guys are going to force me to drink, guys. Oh, no. No, we're not. Absolutely not.

Can we get some cold bottles of water up here For my friend A real shoe? Not like a lowered Shut the fuck up There goes Darren Watson everybody I'm done with him King of the double talk You come and go

Fuck yeah Oh god Angry stare with Jeremy You come and go. Fuck yeah. Oh, God. Angry stare with Jeremy. I mean, Tippy. Tippy. Tippy looks like he's seeing a croc right now. Let's get a word from our official sponsor.

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And now back to the show. Pull the name out of the bucket. Let's keep it moving. Garth James. Garth James. Here we go. Here comes Garth James. Garth James. Here we go. Here comes Garth. I'm excited about this.

I can tell you already. I can already tell this is going to be one of the highlights of the show. I can feel it in my gut because I know what works and what doesn't on this show. This is about to work. I present to you Garth James, ladies and gentlemen. Raise the kids to the moon. How about one more time for Garth James, everybody? And let me remind you, if you ever hear

anybody heckle, anybody that gets pulled out of this hat or this bucket on this show, if anyone ever does it and they're sitting next to you, you get to open hand slap them across their face as hard as you can. So something for you cokehead idiots in the audience to keep in mind. How about one more time for Garth James?

So my dad's a bit of a chunter. That means he's a bit of a cooked cunt. I like him, I love him, but I like him a lot more when he's sober, like in jail. No, I've come to learn he's not that bad. Just the worst thing I've seen personally. Have you ever shit so hard that water from the toilet bowl

shot up into your eyes? It probably hasn't happened to Red Band, because he has a, what are they called, the squatty potties? Yeah, I don't have one of those. I just squat on the toilet seat, and there's a lot of velocity sometimes. I went kayaking once with the love of my life.

We were pretty far from shore and I had to pee. So I tried to get to shore, but there wasn't enough time. I don't know if you've ever stood up on a kayak, but it's kind of difficult to balance. So yeah, I tipped the kayak while peeing. Fuck yeah. Garth James. That's how it's done.

Fresh off of being the star of the new Child's Play movie. He still dresses in character as Chucky. He looks like if Thor lived on Sesame Street. I love your style. You are both the best-looking guy I've seen in Australia so far and the best-looking woman I've seen in Australia this far. I thought it was a woman. I didn't hear the name. I'm like, look at this hot chick in the overalls. Let's do this.

Go ahead, Tibby. This is one of the few creatures in Australia that has male and female genitalia. Heck yeah. This guy had to get a vasectomy just so he couldn't get himself pregnant. Garth James.

How's it going, man? Is that true that you went hiking once with the love of your life or is that a joke? Yeah, I did go kayaking. Kayaking is what you said. Wow, I really can't understand anything you people are saying. It's adorable. Kayaking, heck yeah. And what ended up happening there? I didn't catch the end of that. So I had to pee really badly and I tried to get back to shore. I didn't tell her what was going on and then I just sort of had to stand up and I tried to pee back to shore. I didn't tell her what was going on. And then I just sort of had to stand up.

And I tried to pee over the side of the kayak. But it was windy, so it was kind of blowing back at me. So I tried to lean over a bit more. And then I tipped the kayak. Oh, look at that. So she got wet. Yeah. And I was still peeing, like, when we were in the water.

And my dog was with us. Jesus. You're like the R. Kelly of Australia. Look at you, just pissing all over everyone and everything, including the people you love. My goodness. So, Garth, how long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time.

What? Get the fuck out of here. That's incredible. How old are you, Garth? That's great. I'm 28. 28 years old. What do you do for work?

I'm a game developer and a tutor. Wow, game developer and a tutor. Look at you. What kind of games are we talking about? Boomerang, the video game? I make horror games and weird indie games. I love it. I love it. I love it.

Are you still with the love of your life? No, I've been single for 10 years. For 10 days? What happened 10 days ago? Years, not days. Oh, 10 years. Yeah. Oh, wow.

You still haven't changed your overalls since that day, huh? I bought these overalls so I could have stained clothing and no one would think it's weird because people paint in overalls. I don't know. I'm not sure what you just said. He wears overalls because if he stains them,

no one cares because it looks like, you know, it's just paint or something like that. Wow, Red Band just found his next life hack. That's a great idea. No, I promise I'm a painter. I paint with Wendy's.

They don't have Wendy's out here. They have shitty food. Hungry Jack's. Hungry Jack's is garbage. Oh, wow. Have you tried it yet? It's just Burger King, right? Hungry Jacks is garbage. Oh, wow. Have you tried it yet? You watch it now. It's just Burger King, right?

Yeah. Burger King is garbage. I think you should save this talk for your hamburger reviews that you've been doing the past day. That's also garbage. This is coming from the burger jester. All right. Do you ever wear your hair down or do you always keep it like whatever that is?

Yeah. I can take it down. I don't... Wow, look at that. The ladies go wild, and so do the gay men in the room. This is great. You look like if the leprechaun got really into going to music festivals. Thank goodness.

Garth, what do you do for fun when you're not working or doing anything like that? When I can afford it, I like going to bush doofs. Going to what? What is it? What did you say? I like going to bush doofs. It's when Australians go out to the outback and they play techno music and they're on... Oh, okay. So yeah, that's sort of like

a... It's like if Bonnaroo had kangaroos, right? Yeah. You guys don't know what Bonnaroo is, huh? That's funny. Alright. What the... You do like crazy drugs out there? Like trippy things? Acid? Mushrooms? All that good stuff? Yeah, all the good stuff.

Koala poop all the i haven't i haven't tried that i love it i love it i love it so 10 years you've been single huh yeah you don't you're not interested in a relationship you just sort of play in the field i think i just work too much like yeah yeah yeah i'd overalls. That's probably a really big part of it. Are you on any of the dating apps or anything like that? I was on Tinder for a little bit, and I got like 100 matches in a couple of weeks, and I didn't meet a single person. Why is that? I'm terrible at communicating to people over the internet and over phones.

Yeah? Why is that? I don't know. I just don't think I'm talking to a real person, I guess. Huh. When's the last time you kissed a girl? Probably ten years ago. Really? Ten years ago?

Really? Anybody want to come up and kiss this guy? Are there any women in the audience that would be willing? It's been ten years. Come on. There's got to be one girl in here that's willing to take this show to another level. Maybe this one right here. Please. I'm begging you.

Please, if you do it, I'll give you a fucking loonie or a toonie or whatever money you guys have here. Come on. There's got to be some beautiful woman. This is the first city that I've usually won. There's got to be someone out there that's willing. Hey, come on. Here we go. We haven't had this happen

on this show since Vancouver. Oh, this chick's hot. You got a good one. She's got bouncers over here. She's got a couple fucking Wallabee cups. Put the microphone in the microphone. Yeah, put the mic in the mic stand, buddy. This is where the magic happens.

Wow. Jesus. Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. Damn. Woo. Wow Wow Damn Woo They're really both making out And look neither one of them is wearing underwear

Right now that's incredible It's a match made in fucking heaven Thank you girl Damn look at that Wow Give it up for her guys That's fucking awesome Damn What a sweet little fucking thing that is Give it up for her, guys. That's fucking awesome.

Damn. What a sweet little fucking thing that is. Oh, my God. How much did that kiss taste like cocaine drip? Good Lord. Spit it in my mouth. That was great. Thank you.

Hell, yeah. I love it. That's what we do. We make magic happen, pal. And for a first... Yep, Tibby? Yeah, this is the new dating app he just signed up for. Is Tony just saying into a microphone, will anybody please kiss this guy? Always works. It's never failed. I knew Brisbane wasn't going to let me down.

Great job, you little fucking fun muffin, you. Look at you. God damn. All right, Garth. Well, I mean, you had your first time ever on stage. You fooled me. I thought you were doing it a couple years for sure. And then we had a lot of fun with you.

Great interview. Way to listen. Way to take your time. Do it again, man. Big kiss. Do it again. We'll see you again next time. Thanks, guys. Garth James, everybody. He's on

social media at Jarth Games. So the G and the J are switched there. Jarth Games. That's fun. Alright. Ooh la la. Time to get one of these Brisbane lovely

ladies on stage. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Her name is Bridget Hased. Bridget Hased. Here she comes. How about a hand for the band? Killing it all night. All new music.

Here's Bridget Hassett. Hey, how you guys doing? You good? Good, good. I'm good. I went and saw my psych recently, right? I don't see you very often, though, because it's very expensive to see my psych, right? It's $400 to see my psych, which is so much money, right? Like, that's so much money to see a medical professional and not be fixed. Like, that's arguably, that's so much money. How's it go again? Oh, yeah. Like, that's so much money. Oh my god um thanks babe um like that's too much money to be told

inevitably I'm the one that has to fix the problem like it doesn't happen in any other industry right like normally you pay for services rendered right like you'd be furious if you got your plumber to come over and all they did was tell you why your drains are clogged, but then how you can fix them. Like, inevitably, you'll be doing most of the plunging, but hopefully you'll walk away with the skills necessary to make sure nobody takes a shit that size in your toilet again. Fuck yeah, Bridget Hussett.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to the show. Oh, hi Heck yeah Welcome How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years in January Two years in January You can tell she's done it before

Heck yeah Oh, wow, look at you I don't know what that means Brian's about to invite you to the Ice House on Friday Yeah, what are you doing next Friday in Pasadena, California? I'll check my calendar. What? I said I'll check my calendar.

It's all right. Oh, okay. I don't, I can't. I think she said yes. There you go. Heck yeah. Bridget, what do you do for work? I work in legal admin.

Legal admin. Yeah. Everybody basically has the same job except for the locksmith here. Everyone's just some type of answering phones. No, no. I do a lot of No. No.

No. The old Australian no for those of you that don't know. It's no. There's an A before their O in Australian. N-A-O. No. And then it ends with like three U's.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. All right.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Legal admin. Been doing stand-up for two years. You from here in Brisbane? Yeah, roundabout. I was born in Melbourne. Roundabout.

Melbourne. I love it. I love it. What do you do for fun around town? I just hang out with my boyfriend around town. We just try and do things how long have you been with your boyfriend? a year and a half

you just got uninvited to the ice house year and a half, what does he do? he's also a comedian and he studies graphic design graphic design, heck yeah what's your favourite thing about him? honestly he's the funniest person I know graphic design. Heck yeah. What's your favorite thing about him? Oh, um, honestly, he's the funniest person I know. Wow, that's incredible.

Who is he, Arj Barker? You Australians, love yourself some fucking Arj Barker, huh? Woo-hoo-hoo! Yeah, Arj Barker somehow moved here and he's like their Seinfeld or something. It's so weird. What the hell?

He's the fucking greatest. Anyway. So that's fun. Bridget, how long has he been doing stand-up comedy? Ten years. Ten years. Oh my goodness gracious. He didn't sign up for this.

He's not here, no. Yeah, no. Where is he at? He had school today, so he's back home studying. School? What's he studying? Graphic design. Oh, he's still studying graphic design. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, cool. That's fun. What school does he go to? It's a place called Shillington. Oh, Shillington. That's for poor people, right? I'm just kidding. I don't know.

No, it's really expensive. Oh, it is expensive that's cool um how do you uh how do you uh stay um entertained while he's out at school you guys live in separate places no we live together yeah yeah he's in class right now yeah so he's doing like a three month intensive course for the graphic design course oh okay so but you guys still he comes home at night okay cool timmy yeah how long have you been seeing your psych um on and off um this particular psych three years wow pretty expensive it is expensive it is expensive here in australia um be. Like, we have a thing. I know.

Well, if you ever need a recommendation, my psych is a river turtle named Gus, so... Great conversation. And that's fun. Taking care of your mental health is an important situation, and we demand that all listeners of the show with mental health issues get their mental health. Heck yeah. So that's fun. So being a

comedian's rough, you guys always sort of do the same gigs? Like you guys do mics together? Because that's sort of weird there being an eight year difference in the time span in which you started. You guys are sort of on different levels? Yeah, no, we are on different levels. He's more of a headliner and MC,

but he will headline and MC the gigs that I'll do, so I'm saying I'll do like a five minute spot, he'll do like a 20 or 40 minutes. Right. Does he have you do five minutes ever, 15 minutes before the show starts and you have to wear a hat like this? Because if so, he does not

respect you. Shout out to Sean Conway. He always opens for me on all of my road gigs in Australia. And by law, he had to do that here today. Wow. What else about you, Bridget? What else would we find interesting about you? Do a lot of guys hit on you when you go do stand-up comedy alone?

Are Australian comedians as aggressive as American comedians when it comes to female comedians? You get some weird ones. You get some 40-year-old dudes who are overly nice. Right. And they come in wearing their overalls and they let their hair down. Seriously. Yeah. What's the strangest way you've ever been

tried to be picked up before? Like any bad lines or anything like that? It's just saying how well of a job that I did really. It's nothing too weird. It's just the general vibe. I don't have any good stories about being hit on.

All good. What do you do for fun when you're not dope? Yep. Okay. Tibby, go ahead. Yeah, Red Band. Tell a good set and see if she screams. What? Do you want me to find

a stingray sound effect? I have no idea what's going on. Let's just... Oh, boy. Okay. When you're not doing stand-up or going to school or whatever, what do you do for fun?

I do yoga. I've been learning to pick locks. Pick locks? Do you have the crazy drill thing? Oh, you have Hitachi. I hadn't heard of it, no. Are there any cool yoga poses that would impress us that maybe you could do right now? I could try a cool yoga pose.

Would you guys like to see her do something cool that she knows from yoga? The crowd goes fucking mild. Here we go. Whoa. Wow. How about a hand for her, everybody? She gave it a shot. I haven't done it in a while.

It's the old downward facingfacing koala right there. Tibby? Something? You're just gripping that mic? No, I'm on a cold streak right now, mate. Hell yeah. It's all right, but reptiles are cold-blooded, actually, and sometimes they need to recede into a cave.

I love it. Bridget, I'll tell you this man, you represented the ladies great up here. I don't think a lot of them signed up and you just had a great set. Thank you so much for coming on. Bridget Hassad, everyone. That was great. It's always fun.

It's always fun when when kind of like a Chelsea Skidmore. Okie dokie. I can't stand it when you reference people that no one knows who the fuck

you're talking about, but Google it. I guess like, yes, go Google a door guy at the comedy store

every once in a while. It's a female. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Maddie J. Maddie J. Where's Maddie at? I'm not seeing movement here.

Okay. Here he comes. Matty J. Moving at a breakneck speed. This is incredible. Here he is. Matty J. Matty J. everyone.

Shit. Hey, Rizzy, how's it going? Woo! I always thought it was weird when I got home and my girlfriend was having doggy kisses with my dog. Then she came up straight away and, like,

make out with me fiercely. I'm like, what the... Next minute we're having sex on the bed. The dog's on the bed looking at me like, what? What's up? What's up? I was just kissing him before, dude.

Fuck. So I go American Psycho mode and I'm like, you know, having sex. Flexing at the dog. Like, what? What's up with that? What?

Fuck yeah, Matty J. There you go. Thank you so much, guys. Cracking himself up. I mean, did you just hear the joke that you did for the first time? How are you laughing this hard at a joke that you clearly have known that you're going to do? You've written it down and here you are just dying up here. Do you always laugh this hard at everything that you

do? Are your pants cutting off all the circulation to your brain right now? He's got that Joaquin Phoenix joke laughing syndrome. Joaquin Phoenix Joker laughing syndrome. Joaquin Phoenix what? Never mind.

Yeah, that's the old... I do want to say where I thought he was going with the joke, with the dog making out with your girlfriend. I thought that when your dog was in the room that you were going to look in your dog's eyes and have doggy-style sex with your girl to get back at your dog. But you didn't go there. you're you were right about that cold streak huh this is the kind of

support I love on the show it's a big ensemble group mentality up here absolutely love it you know us you know us the Kill Tony cast and their amazing support system that we have. Great work environment. Can I get a Fosters? Tony. That was Rick's Fosters, dude. He's kidding, by the way. You said Fosters, right? Fosters?

No. No. Stop talking. Stop asking questions. I liked it better when he was just laughing. So, Matty, let's talk about these fucking jeans that you're wearing here. All right? I don't know what the hell is going on here.

What are those in your pockets? Those are keys in your left pocket? That's a dick. No, that's not a dick for sure. That's a big blobby. What do you got there? Keys? Keys, buddy.

Yeah, pull them out. Let's see how many keys you have here. Because these pants, it seems like you just struggled to get those out. What else do you have in your pockets? You have a Honda? Yeah, Honda. You drive a Honda? Yeah, Honda.

Accord? Accord Euro. Yep, goddamn right. There's a lighter. The Euro has got leather seats in the sunroof. How about that pocket? What do you have in that pocket? It's a phone and a wallet.

I've never seen anyone squeeze into jeans quite like that before. You know why, Tony? This guy looks like they stretched out a little person. Yeah, it's true. Those were his jeans before it happened. Yeah, this looks like if Conor McGregor was fighting with his sexuality.

Or with his chromosomes. I'm interested to see, like, how many people have to help you take those pants off when you get home at night? Got a team, Tony. Got a team. A what? I've got a team to help me.

He's got a team of people. Very interesting. I love it, man. Holy shit, man. This is fucking awesome, dude. Like, I listen to you all the time. To see you right here is fucking amazing. It's probably the closest I can get to Joe Rogan. Right.

No, you're right. No, he's right. That's not an insult at all. This is the closest thing you will ever get to talking with Joe Rogan. You're absolutely scientifically correct. I hang out with him and you never will. You're right. You're right. It's impossible. What could you possibly

do? What are you going to go out there and talk about how you've lived years without any circulation going to your feet? The return of Joe Rogan. Every once in a while he calls in when there's someone like you on the show. What was that, Joe? The return of Joe Rogan. Every once in a while, he calls in when there's someone like you on this show. Oh. What was that, Joe?

This. No. I just do what I do. There you go. Matty J. So what do you do for work? Nothing interesting. I'm a welder by trade.

A welder. A welder. Yeah. What do you do for fun? Bowling? Why would I bowl, dude? You just seem like a bowler, you know what I mean? You just have the build for it, you have the face for it, you laugh at your own jokes.

It's a real sport built for people like you. I guess, I mean, the fun is like the comedy, but I know you hate that answer. But I suppose, you know, just get the the comedy, but I know you hate that answer. But I suppose, you know, just get the boys around and have some drinks, go out. Yeah, get the boys around, have some drinks. Absolutely. Is that the team you're talking about, getting those pants on you?

Yeah. Just getting a lot of boys around you, just like, come on, we can do it this time, mate. Slither in there. Mate, you're not wrong. Do you want to join my team? Alright, sure. It makes it feel like I'm a part of something.

I missed it. I'm not... Are you kissing? What do you and the boys like to do after drinking? Anything special you guys ever do? When they're back in town, when they get back in town, is there anything you guys ever do together? You guys have some drinks and go down?

Yeah, I guess. I mean, like, you always come over to my place and, you know, just drink and... You just sit around your place and drink? Drink, play some tunes, have some fun. Play some shoes? Shoes? No, fuck no, man. I'll say that to my mate Garth at the back there. I was like, fuck, whoever the fuck does a shooie?

What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck? How would you do a shooie? Why would they do a shooie? No, no, no, no, no. I'm just saying people in general. Like, who does shooies? Have you ever done one?

No, never. I don't think you should diss it until you who does shoeys? Have you ever done one? No, never. I don't think you should diss it until you try it. How many of you think you should try one right now? But you know what? Wait. But you know what? I don't think you should do it out of your shoe. I think you should do it out of this lady's shoe right here in the front row.

Oh, get off. Come on. Take it off of her. Her husband's taking the shoe off of her. No, no, no, no, no. Her husband's taking the shoe off of her foot right now. No, no, no, no, no. He's down on one knee. He's taking her shoe.

What happens when you don't do a shoe? No, no, no, no, no. There's the beer. Come on. Hop off, you fucking wanker. How many of you want to see him do it? Come on, do it, buddy. You got to do it.

Fuck you, Gareth, you piece of shit in the back there. There's a first time for everything. You guys need to make more noise. One more time. Come on. His first shoeie. Here we go. Here we go. That is so fucking dumb.

Holy shit. Why are they booing? He didn't finish it. He didn't finish it. He didn't finish his shoeie. Another shoe. Somebody else needs to do the rest finish it. He didn't finish it. He didn't finish the shoeie. Another shoe. Somebody else. He needs to do the rest of it. That's a national crime if you don't do it.

What's he doing? He threw the shoe down. He's putting the mic back in the mic stand. He tried to do half the beer in the shoe, and the crowd was not having it. This is a crazy Australian tradition. Yes! Woohoo! He threw the shoe back at her.

And he threw it back at the woman and it hit her in the face. It's good. No, it didn't. How about a hand for this young lady right here? Her badass man that made it all possible. These guys fucking get the show. You get the showy, and you get the shooey.

Matty, you just won everybody over. That's your first shooey. How long have you been Australian for? All my life, mate, yeah. All your fucking life. And how old are you? 29. 29 years old.

Well, I got news for you. You say you've been Australian all your life, but I'm pretty sure these people will agree you just became Australian right now. Having your first shoeing for a beautiful woman's shoe in the front row. This is the most ridiculous shit ever. Like, what the fuck is going on here with this shoey shit?

This is Kill Tony Brisbane. Well, Matty, you fucking did it, pal. You know what? I have a feeling you're gonna have an easy time slipping out of those jeans tonight. Tony, this will be my first time actually on stage ever as well.

I love it. Well, congratulations. There he goes, Matty J. Here we go. Hell yeah, sure. There he goes, Matty J. There we go. Hell yeah, sure. There you go, buddy. I cannot believe this shoe stuff. We'll give you guys a Tony Hinchcliffe pin after the show for that. How about that?

We'll make up for it. With a mustache. With a mustache. Yes, there you go. Sorry we got your shoe wet. That was my bad. And they're brand new? It's okay.

It's just a little beer on the inside. You know what I mean? They're from Ross anyway. They don't have those here. Oh, I thought. It's from Woolworths? All right. Pull the name out of the bucket.

Make some noise for Twiggy Bundles. Twiggy Bundles. Wow. Oh! We got a heckla. Twiggy Bundles. It's the guy that I told to shut the fuck up in the audience earlier.

Here he is, Twiggy Bundles, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for him. So I noticed an increase in Holocaust denial at the moment. And I blame outrage culture.

All these people getting offended by every single tiny little thing, they don't realise they're doing actual damage. Seriously offensive things aren't being taken, aren't as offensive now. I spoke to a Holocaust denier recently and he made some actual convincing arguments, but I wasn't having a bar of it. He says, six million Jews, I don't think that's really possible, over four years, 170 Jews an hour, the entire time going round the clock, it just doesn't seem possible.

Because I mean, you've got to think about the logistics. You've got to get all that coal. You've got to bury all those bodies. And I said to him, And I said to him, Mate, how dare you? How dare you insult and undermine the meticulousness and record-keeping of the Germans.

Wow. This was crazy. This was more of a... Yeah, let's check in with Tibby. Yeah, from Shoei to hates Jewies. That's right. This is a very interesting set that you've chosen here tonight. Really, no punchlines, just a little bit of pure hatred.

Who would have guessed that this could be the set from the guy interrupting the show wearing the thick black leather Nazi jacket. But somehow, by the way, you have a Jewish face and head, so I don't understand why you're against the people. You throw Jeremiah's nose on there, you have the trifecta complete.

Even though there's no guns in Australia, he still manages to look like a school shooter. Absolutely, really does. So Twiggy, what made you choose that set tonight? Or are you just a Holocaust denier? I actually, I'm one of those people that when you say, do you like it when people

bomb or succeed here? I'm one of those people that cheers for the bomb. Yeah, I came up here. YouTube commenter. Absolutely. Redband's arch nemesis. So Twiggy, let's talk about it. First time on stage?

Yep. What do you do for work? Oh, this is... So you thought I bombed on here. I'm a... I'm a postie. A what? You're a what?

I'm a postie. A what? You're a what? I'm a postie. A what? A postie. Postal delivery person. You know, like USPS? A postal delivery person. They're really hated in Australia. They are?

Yeah. Why is that? They just ride over everyone's lawns and put red cards instead of delivering items. Is that what you do? You ride a bicycle? A motorbike, yeah. A motorbike. That's a scooter.

All right. So do they not have Jewish people out here, and that's why you have the balls to say all this shit? I'm kind of Jewish. Is there a heavy Jewish population in Australia? No. No, not at all. Oh, so that's why.

That's why you thought it would work. Jesus, you try to do this in LA, see what happens. Harvey Weinstein would butt rape you if he heard you say these things. He doesn't even do that to dudes. I'm actually Jewish German heritage. Wow, yeah, you should probably open with that part. So that people don't think you're a hateful bigot. You ever think about that?

Did you hear the part about how I like the bombing? Sure, sure. Yeah, we almost all believe that. Really good trigger. Yeah, totally. You were totally expecting to make people sad here tonight. Wow, that's impressive. So how long have you been in a single?

Let's go with the YouTube comment. All my life, baby, baby, I pray for someone like you. You're an incel, right? That's what they call you? Is that the proper term? Online they call them professional virgin. You are. You are a virgin.

Are you? Don't try to be funny because you obviously don't know what the fuck that is. So just answer the questions honestly. No. Okay, you're not. You're not a virgin. We'll just go So just answer the questions honestly. No. Okay, you're not a virgin. Right. Married. Married? How long you been married for? Four years. Four years.

Wow, what's the wombat's name? What does she do for work? She's a stay-at-home mom. Stay-at-home mom. How many kids do you have? Two kids. Two little bigots you're raising. What a great father. And what's your wife's ethnicity?

She's just Australian. Just Australian. Wow. Do you hear how he says that, people? My goodness. He's like, I'm Jewish and German. She's just Australian. My God. How'd you get here? Are you from here? Born and raised?

No, I originally came over from South Africa. From South Africa. Wow. Your parents still in South Africa or they moved here too? They moved here too. Yeah. Why were they in South Africa?

That's interesting. I don't really, I don't know how these stories work. They fled Zimbabwe. Wow, they were in Zimbabwe. Yeah. Oh, my God. And they went to South Africa, and then they came here because they had to flee there.

Or was that? Something like that. Something like that. They didn't want to be apartheid. Yeah. You want the truth. want to be apartheid. Oh, yeah. You want the truth. They weren't the opposite side of apartheid.

Never mind. Nobody cares. Why do his khakis seem like they've seen more wildlife than mine? That is true. Those are some amazing khakis. How did you prepare

those like that? That almost seems like a challenge. Did you wring them out after washing them? Twisted them in your hands? That would be my stay-at-home mom-wife that would have done that. Oh, that's how I do a better job.

Jeez Louise. Yeah. Clearly doesn't... Forget it. The only iron he knows is an iron cross. Very good. Yeah. I don't know what kind of... Yeah, forget it.

So Twiggy, what do you do for fun? Any hobbies? You have the two kids, but do you ever do anything to get away from the house, get away from that typical Australian wife of yours? I'll play squash, quite a bit of squash, and then I'll listen to a lot of podcasts. Listen to how everybody laughs at that.

Like they all just start cracking up. It's genuinely one of the biggest just real laughs that I've heard from this audience. Just a real just cackle. Bunch of people just laughing at you. What the fuck is squash by the way? I mean we really don't have that. Indoor tennis.

Indoor tennis. But it's not racquetball. It's like racquetball. But racquetball's awesome. And squash isn't. Or else we'd play it in America if it was awesome. We love awesome shit. That's what we do. I think

they might just call squash racquetball in America. No fucking way. Even if I find out that's true, there's no way I'll ever admit to that. That's my equivalent to being a Holocaust denier. I am a squash denier. Never happened.

Hell yeah. How long have you been playing squash for? About five or six years now. Oh, okay. How long have you been playing squash for? About five or six years now. Oh, okay. So that's on sort of like an indoor court. But to get there, do you have to come out of the closet? Hey, Tony. Yes.

Little fact update. Squash and racquetball are two completely different sports. Now, I know. The most major difference is that the racquets used in the latter are smaller with their allowed maximum length being 22 inches, while the squash rackets can have a maximum allowed length of 27 inches. Who'd have thought? Yeah. Absolutely.

For those of you listening to the podcast, he just rattled that off all straight from his brain. He just sat there in front of a microphone and gave those statistics. That was very impressive. Yeah, I've been in the wild a long time. Heck yeah. Don't type in squash Jew. Okay.

I love it. It's Jew, man. Exactly who I trusted to mix another Jew joke into this segment of the show. It's always good to get some of Red Band's Jewish jokes squozing in here. He's famous for them. Did you know that? I did not.

Tell us something embarrassing about you. Because everything seems like it is. Every time I've tried to make you look good, you do it to yourself. So I want to know what's something that you think is embarrassing about you? Everything. I just said that. I don't know how that got that laugh then. Like, I said that in the middle of the question, then he said it, and you guys are all like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Like, what the fuck was that? Go ahead. Embarrassing thing about you. I'm probably the least funny member of my family. No, we know that. Come on. There you go. Twiggy, you even said you don't want to do good.

You don't like to do good. Remember when you gave that bullshit excuse? So we know you don't want to be funny. Give us something else. You ever, like, maybe something from your history. You ever poop your pants? Or you ever prematurely ejaculate while on the dance floor, seventh grade dance? A little bump and grind going on?

Rode an ostrich once. You rode an ostrich. That's when you came in your pants? That's so crazy. Does your wife know you call her that? Jobber. Well, Twiggy, I I mean there you go A real cop out saying that you didn't want to do good

But you did it anyway This is a show where clearly anyone can sign up And you did it There he goes Twiggy Bundles everyone Let's keep it going You think so? Oh no What does this say? You think so? Oh, no.

What does this say? Oh, this is interesting. This says birthday in parentheses. Put your hands together for Adric Mikliod. Mikliod? Adric? Here he comes. Adric Mikliod. Adric Mikliod.

Adric Mikliode, everyone. Our rival and the last nunsman. Adric. Give it up for Adolf Schittler before. So I'm a type 1 diabetic, which sucks. Can't do a lot of things. I can still fuck, though, which is cool. And I don't like pulling out, so I'm the only diabetic that can enjoy a cream pie.

So that's cool. Speaking of cream pies, however, we live in a weird world where a lot of males feel down themselves for not being touched by attractive teachers in school. A bit weird. I don't have to worry about that. I was one of the lucky few who got to brag about it until my mates reminded me I was homeschooled. Not as hot. And Christmas reunions fucking suck.

That's all I got, Tony. There you go. A-Trick McLeod. It's all I got, Tony. There you go. A-Trick McLeod. It's your birthday? This was a birthday present a month ago. All right. Well, that's real anticlimactic. I didn't put my name down.

It's not my fault. Oh. Who put your name down? A friend of mine. Did you know that they put your name down? I did, but I didn't know the birthday thing until I sat down. Oh. That's interesting. Yeah. First, how long have you been doing stand-up? First time. First time.

Congratulations. What do you do for work? I manage a liquor store. Manage a liquor store? How long have you been doing that for? About five years. Oh, that's fun. You enjoy that? Yeah, you get some characters in Australian liquor stores. Yeah, I don't know if you've About five years. Huh. That's fun. You enjoy that? Yeah. You get some characters in Australian liquor stores. Yeah. I don't know if you've seen tonight's show, but I agree with you. Most of my clientele are here. Liquor store.

You guys ever sell anything else there? Anything illegal or anything like that? No. Our laws really suck with alcohol. Huh. That's fun. What part of town do you live in? Brisbane.

Pretty close to the city. Pretty close to the city. Like what street? Anyway. So Adric, tell us about you. What's some interesting stuff about you that we'd like to know? Do you have any fun facts about you? Like your father is an emu or something like that?

My father's like 60 and still plays in punk bands. Really? Yeah. Is he here tonight? That's cool. Yeah. He opened for a Brisbane band called The Saints. If anyone knows him.

He's here? Is he here? Yeah. He's not here. You know The Saints? No, he's not here. Right. He's not here.

How about you? You play music at all? I used to play dabble years ago. Yeah. You know the Saints? No, he's not here, no. Right. He's not here. How about you? You play music at all? I used to play dabble years ago. Yeah, what do you play? A little bit of guitar. Not a drum off. I'm sorry, Joe. That's okay.

Don't apologize. How about your love life? What's that like? A partner of nearly four years. What? Just a partner of nearly four years. Partner? So it's a boy?

No, female. Oh. I don't know how anything works here. Four years. What? Just a partner of nearly four years. Partner? So it's a boy? No, female. Oh. I don't know how anything works here. In the States, when you say partner, that means you're gay. I'm just, once you get 30, you start saying partner. It's weird. Whoa.

So romantic. Heck yeah. So is there anything interesting about you that you could tell us us about adric am i saying that right adric uh adric yeah um when i was five i developed a phobia of taking a shit yeah why what happened i shot myself in a public store as a kid. Okay, Red Band, get it out of here. Yeah, that sucked, and so I was like, cool, not doing that again. What, I couldn't hear you. I was laughing because everybody keeps yelling trash can from the audience. It's starting to spread like a disease.

I love it. Hashtag dildo party. A lot of people did the hashtag dildo party. That ended up trending worldwide. Anyway, Adrick, that's so fun. But you know what? We're getting real deep into the show, and we're going to keep flying along.

How about one more time for Adrick, everybody? Thank you. There you go. Fuck yeah. What do you guys think? One last time into the hat, huh? Okay. Hell yeah.

You guys sure? One more time? We could get out of here now. Alright, fine. Let's do it. And your last comedian of the night goes by the name of Anthony Rofe. Or Rofe. Anthony. This is a big spot, man.

This is closing the show. Is that Anthony? There we go. Coming from the bar, that's never a good sign. Rock and roll. He's going to be out of breath also. He's been jogging the whole way here. Come a, come a, come a, come a, come a comedian.

Come and go Oh shit Anthony Roof everyone Oh shit is right Did anyone listen to the Kill Tony 403 with Red Band Absolutely cooked out of his mind or what Let's give it up for Red Band

Come on I roofied my brother tonight. Not because I want to fuck him, but because I want to fuck his missus. He's 29, she's 23. He's doing a good job. Never thought he'd do it before, but congratulations to him. Give it up. I'm from the Gold Coast. Anyone from the Gold Coast here? Fuck yeah. How long was your drive up the M1? Fuck me. That took a while. An hour 23 minutes or something like that. Google Maps told me anyway. An hour 23 minutes or something like that.

Google Maps told me anyway. Did anyone hear of the teacher in year two on the Gold Coast who drank vodka from a drink bottle? Passed you out in front of her class. She drank hand sanitizer as well. She's just as cooked as Red Band, I reckon, but... There you go, Anthony Roof, everyone. You know what, Anthony? I like your style, man.

You're a good-looking guy. You got lucky. You got to do a minute on Kill Tony, but there's something... I just can't end an episode with someone like you. You don't play the drums by any chance, do you? Completely agree. You don't play drums, do you?

Fuck, I wish. I want to make some drum off so bad. Put that mic back in the mic stand Anthony. There you go. Put the mic in the mic stand. I didn't realize any of Donald Trump's sons lived in Australia by the way. There he goes.

Anthony Roof everyone. Is there by any chance anyone that signed up tonight that does know how to play the drums? That knows how to play the drums? That knows how to play the drums? Are you... But he's not saying that at all, sir. You understand that you're pointing at a guy

next to you. We mean a good drummer. Did anybody sign up tonight that knows how to play the drums? That guy just knows how to play the drums? Alright, well then let's just have a Mexican drum off then. Bring him up here. Get this guy up here. I don't give a fuck.

We're gonna end it with a bang. Then we're gonna get out of here. There he goes. I don't know who this guy is and I really don't give a fuck, but welcome to the show, pal. Have you ever seen this show before? Get up to this mic for a second.

Yeah, man. I love you guys. Yeah, you do. But you never want to do this show, right? You have no interest in doing stand-up at all. Oh, I was. We missed out on signing up. We were here a bit. Oh, you were late for sign-up.

Heck yeah. That's what happens when you're James Franco's retarded brother. You show up late to things. Why were you late? I know it wasn't because you were ironing your shirt. God, what do you people do here? What do you guys do? Just shove your shirts and pants into socks or something like that?

He was at that dude's wife's earlier. That's why. That's incredible. How long have you been playing drums for? I used to play when I was a kid. I mainly play guitar. I love it. This is the most untalented bunch of people

I play though I jam with my friends Let's see how you do What's your name pal? It's Brenton Brenton what? Nain Alright let's have a drum off here

I don't know if you know how this works Brenton You don't have a talented bone in your body, but I'll tell you this. You have a chance of becoming the new drummer of... Hey, Brenton, Brenton, Brenton, Brenton, Brenton, Brenton, Brenton. Brenton, I don't know what's going on. I don't know if you're seeing fucking unicorns right now, but you need to pay a little bit of attention, all right?

I get it. Your good looks get you through everything here in Brisbane when you're out there on the Wick-Havin-Tance? Wick-Havin-Tance? Squarespace. Wick-

Is that street? Don't you don't do it? It doesn't matter this guy out of nowhere didn't even have a chance to sign up tonight but now he has the opportunity to become the new full time

drummer on this show if he just so happens to be Joel in this drum off he's going to Melbourne tomorrow for a sold out show at the comics lounge he's going to Sydney sold out show Sunday at the factory Lounge. He's going to Sydney sold-out show Sunday at the Factory Theatre and he's going back to LA with us on Monday. It would be shocking

because no one's ever beaten Joel before. Let me remind you that the audience decides this. It's an overall drum solo competition based on overall performance comedically and talent-wise. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you The Defender,

Australia's first Mexican drum-off of all time. This is Brenton Nain. Thank you. Oh, wow. Look at this. This could come down to the wire. Wow. Wow, Brenton Nain, that's very good. That's very, very good. This is very interesting.

This could come down to the wire here. He's marching to the beat of a different drummer. So let's see what happens here. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever in Australia, to end tonight's episode undefeated all time, he takes this very, very, very seriously. Everything we say is true. He could lose his fucking job tonight.

So he takes this very seriously when someone comes up to compete with him. Defending his throne live in Brisbane, Australia, I present to you Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Here we go. Oh! He's got the purple dildo! Oh my god!

He's got the white dildo from Sacramento on his forehead. And I got the real one hanging down under, dude. He's got three dicks attached to him right now. This is incredible. A white penis coming off that blonde head. By the way, the top of his head,

that's what Jeremiah's pubes look like all together. Here he is, defending his throne, undefeated all time. Triple J, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Triple J, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Wow! Hey! The classic finger.

Ooh wee! Oh, here he goes. Whoa! He went over the railing. He just jumped four feet in between the stage and a safety railing. He almost ran over a professional photographer. Here he comes back over again. Oh, my goodness. a safety railing. He almost ran over a professional photographer. Here he comes back over again. Oh my goodness. What's he doing?

Whoa! A handstand. Oh, he's got the dildo. He's got the dildo on his trunks. Oh my god. Oh, double dildos! Oh my god. He looks like Andy Kauf double dildos. Oh, my God.

He looks like Andy Kaufman at the end of Man on the Moon. The wig is off. He just bit into the one dildo. Oh, my God. Wow. What a way to end a show. So much better than ending it with Anthony Rowe. How many of you guys have Brenton Nain winning this Mexican drum off?

Brisbane Zone. Even with the Brisbane Zone, he just has his three buddies in the back. Okay. And how many of you have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez winning this? Wow. Who would have guessed? There you go. And still the Mexican drum off champion of the world,

honorable mention to Brandon Nain, giving Australia's best Mexican drum off they've ever had. That's the end of the episode, guys. Thank you so much. We love you. If you guys wait in line and behave properly all in one order, we'll meet all of you on your way out at that back table in that

next room over. Don't forget, D.C., New York City, Columbus, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, and a bunch of other fun announcements coming up. Jeremiah's headlining Huntington Beach, St. Louis, Kansas City, Chicago, and San Diego. JeremiahWatkins.com

for that. He's got Jeremiah Wonder shirts. He's got Big Gay Calendars for sale. A new episode of Jeremiah Wonders is out with Luis J. Gomez and a roadcast. Anything else, Jeremiah? At Jeremiah's stand-up on social media in Australia. This is my first time here

and I absolutely love you guys. Thank you so much. Oh yeah, on social media in Australia. This is my first time here, and I absolutely love you guys. Thank you so much. Oh, yeah, their first show in Australia. Another guy's first time in Australia as well. How about another hand for Joel Berg? Joel Jimenez, everyone. Joel's an official sponsored Ludwig artist. Anything else, Joel?

I love you guys. It's great having my dick out all over the world. One more time for Joel, everybody. And we did it. How about one more time for his first time in Australia? The great Brian Redbearn, everybody. Thanks, guys. Fuck yeah.

We did it. You guys got the party started. We're excited about this week here in Australia. Thanks for being the first. We love you. Good night. Thank you.