KILL TONY - KILL TONY #408

Episode Date: November 1, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 10/26/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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If you or someone you know has concerns about gambling, visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the show. And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live. November 7th, we're going to be in Washington, D.C.

The first show sold out, so we added a second show, and it's almost sold out. November 10th, we'll be at the Gramercy Theater in New York. December 12th, we'll be in Columbus, Ohio at the Newport Music Hall. December 14th, we'll be in Pittsburgh at the Rex Theater. December 15th, we'll be in Cleveland at the House of Blues. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. ShopSquad.tv, that's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe.

There you have the new Kill Tony shirt. You also have some hats, some Death Squad shirts, and a bunch of stuff. That's ShopSquad.tv. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, Tony Hinchcliffe dot com. There you have his own stand up comedy tour dates and merchandise. Go to Tony Hinchcliffe dot com. And last but not least, Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist. He has a new Kill Tony book. It's on Amazon or Ryan J. Ebelt dot com And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from Melbourne, Australia.

For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Give it up for Tony Henscliff. Melbourne, Kill Tony's here. I told everybody you're one of the best comedy audiences in the world. How loud can this place get right now? Look, everybody. First time in Melbourne, Brian Redman's here. Hey, guys. Ooh-wee-wee.

How exciting. Be back at the Great Comics Lounge where I've been many a times. You wouldn't know by the pictures that they have all over the walls of people that have been here maybe once in their fucking lives. Yeah, I'm sure you guys come and see Seinfeld here all the fucking time, right? Bunch of bullshit. I come here once a year. We always have fun.

How many of you have seen me do stand-up comedy in this venue before? All right, like 20 of you. Very good. Real good return audience I get at this hellhole. It's good to be here. It's good to be back in Melbourne. Stop number two on our crazy Australian,

first ever Kill Tony Australian tour. We are the number one live podcast in the world and we appreciate you being here. Thank you. Thank you very much. We travel all the time. It never ends really. It just goes on and on. We are going more

places real real soon like you wouldn't believe it but I switched the wrong papers. We're going to be in Washington, D.C. There it is. Another sold-out show tomorrow night in Sydney. Then we go to D.C. November 7th and New York November 10th.

Columbus, Ohio the 12th of December. Pittsburgh the 14th and Cleveland the 15th of December. Ticket to DeathSquad.tv. TonyHinchcliffe.com. You can just Google it, too. Don't Google it. You might get those ticket Google it, too. Don't Google it. You might get those ticket scalpers. Yeah.

Don't go through that way. Don't do that. Ryan J. Ebel made special Australian posters that we're going to be slinging and signing for you and taking pictures with you after the show if you're patient enough to wait around for it. There's also Kill Tony pins that glow in the dark and a couple Tony Hinchcliffe pins, optional facial hair with a Sharpie marker. I'll put it on if you want it. That's all available after the show.

Blah, blah, blah. Fucking blah, blah, blibbity, blah. Right? You know all this. You listen to the show. How many of you are fans of Kill Tony? I'm going to be honest with you. Normally I don't share a lot of inside information like this, but I had a thick beef penne pasta earlier,

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apple cider. Go to InfiniteCBD.com and if you use promo code TONY15, you get 15% off. That's InfiniteCBD.com. Use the code TONY15, get 15% off. You guys ready to start this show or what? We're live. Melbourne.

Let's fucking go. Believe it or not, as with all road shows, we're not going to have a guest tonight. However, we do have a band on this show. They've never been to Melbourne

before, so this is very exciting for them. They always do different characters every episode of the show. We never know what they're going to be. They had a separate dressing room to get ready in here tonight. And sometimes it's the return of a famous character that they've done before. Like last

night, they were the Outback nature people. Steve Irwin kind of. Yeah, the animal Australian animal people, whatever the fuck you guys call those. The stingray guy. Yeah, exactly. Your fucking old emperor or whatever the fuck he was here. Anyway, sometimes it's a brand new character.

Let's see what they are together. Give them a big Melbourne welcome. It's their first time performing in this city. Make some noise for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Here we go. Oh! Whoa!

Here they are. We know these guys. Here they are. We know these guys. Now, I do believe these guys are all white trash. Am I correct? What's up, y'all? We've been hanging out in Frankston lately.

What's up? Hey, look at that. Absolutely. There you go. Stealing my references. Very good. Right from the get. That's a smooth move.

How's it feel, Tony? I see what you did there. What does that mean? Nothing. Right. Yeah, exactly. Because that wouldn't make any sense at all. So remind me of your name there, Captain. Yeah, what's up?

My name is Dave Gunther. How the hell are y'all doing, Melvin? Dan Gunther. Gunther. How the hell are y'all doing, Melvin? Dan Gunther. Gunther. Very good. Dan Gunther? Dave Gunther. Okay, Dave Gunther. Very good. And clearly back here

we have what appears to be a Mexican boy with an Australian haircut for some reason. Man, I didn't even know that's where I was, man. I just get on the plane, man. My name's Travis Plow. Travis Platt?

Plow. Travis Plow. Very fucking good. Welcome, white trash guys. You guys are Americans. How'd you get here? Oh, man, we swam, man. Wow.

Heck, yeah. This one still has a wet back. He did swim. You could tell. You could tell. You could tell he did. Abso-fucking-lutely. Well, I'm excited you guys made it here for your first time in Australia. So we have the band.

We have Brian's soundboard, which brings me to this, the good old Melbourne Cup, everyone. Here we are. A bunch of people signed up before the show. I think you guys know how it works. I pull a name out of the bucket. We get to meet them all together. Sometimes it's somebody's first time trying stand-up comedy.

Sometimes they're a local comedy hero trying to make a big break on the number one live podcast in the world. I pull your name out. You get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you sure going to bring out the angry fucking shit. The angry motherfucking, what is it? Heel Street Bear. Who gives a fuck?

Sure. Some gay street. There it is. Oh, it's a kangaroo. That's right. It's a very, very exhausted kangaroo. You guys ready to start this show or what? Stairways right here during the middle. Very easy.

I guess you could also sort of come up this way if you try. Don't really go up that way. If you go that way, try to make it to the middle. Just weasel your way in. Maybe this nice guy, maybe this Australian Justin Bieber will push his seat in a little bit so you guys can get in here. Maybe not, obviously. What an asshole. Incredible.

Not surprised. You guys ready to start this thing or what? Come on, Melbourne. I think you could do a little bit better than that. You guys ready to go? Jesus. Put your hands together for your first comedian. One word name.

His name is Raul. Raul is starting the show. Here we go. I'm dynamite here. Oh, that's not Raul at all. It was a little decoy. What's going on here, Raul? Is he coming?

Come on, buddy. Come on, pal. Raul. TNT. He's dynamite. Fuck yeah, Raul. Here he is. One more time for Raul, everybody.

Fuck, okay. Just in case you're all wondering, the answer is no, my carpet does not match my drapes. I've been single now for about four years since my divorce. You cannot believe how many women brag about being squirters. Read band?

Have you ever seen a hippo taking a shit? If you haven't, their little tail wags in front of their asshole and shit flies everywhere. Now you move that little tail to the front and she's a fucking squirter. Especially if it was like fucking Aphrodite. Hey white people. I don't know if that's racist or not. We don't have any black people around here. Our government's killed them all. I had a girl one time squirt accidentally in my mouth. In my mind, I said, don't be a dickhead about it. You know, it was probably an accident.

I've got to be nice. But my body reacted like this. Fuck! That's it. Wow. Fuck yeah, Raul. You fucking did it. You really did it.

You really came out and executed. I mean, that is just stand-up comedy at its finest. By the looks of things, you're going to have your face on one of these walls any day now here at the Comics Lounge, if we've learned anything. Heck yeah. Look at you, you fucking Bond villain.

What are you? I'm not sure exactly what you are. It just sounded like you said a bunch of keywords that you thought would work. Squirt, squirt, Aphrodite, Red Band. This is like a Killzoni bingo card. Yeah, you read my book, right? I wanted to make Red Band chuckle, but it didn't work. Heck yeah. Is it a coloring book?

What the fuck are you guys talking about? It is, yeah. So, Raul, wow, first time doing stand-up, obviously. Seven years, man. What? No, I'm pissing now. First time, first time. Very good.

Very good, Raul. Very good. There's the goat of your first time. That's what that sound means. So, Raul, what are we talking about here? How old are you? 47. 47. Heck yeah. What do you do for here? How old are you? 47. 47.

Heck, yeah. What do you do for work? Well, build shit out of steel. Build shit out of steel. Absolutely. That's as goddamn Australian as it gets right there. Build shit out of steel. You got divorced four years ago?

I'm sorry? You got divorced four years ago, you said? Yes. How's that going for you? It's great. I love being single. I love being single. You love being single? Yes.

Yeah? What do you love about it? Squirting. My ex never squirted. I fucking wouldn't be married. I was married 14 years, and that's what broke us up. I like to be alone. That's what it is.

You were married for 14 years. Do you have any kids? Yeah, two kids. Two kids. How old are they now? Nine and eight. They're nine and eight now? Uh-huh. Wow, perfect. That's Tony's favorite age. Yeah.

Nine and eight because I'm a pedophile clearly. That's a brand new running joke starting right here in Melbourne. Tony is a pedophile out of fucking nowhere. Very good. That makes a lot of goddamn sense. Look at what you did. You said squirt four times. You got them all excited. Jesus

fucking Christ. Yeah, very good. Yes, he's wearing a Death Squad shirt. Unbelievable. You can say anything you want when you wear that. You can be a big old dumbass if you want to. That shirt you can just fucking spit and say squirt a bunch of times and start with the word fuck.

It's perfect. Yeah, absolutely. I love that opening line. Fucking destroyed. Brought the house down. So, Raul, nine and eight, you get to see your kids often? Yeah, every week.

I don't go out. This is a very rare Saturday night out. I love it. Because I usually hang out with my kids. I love it. That's good. That's good that you're a good dad. What do you do for fun when you're not around the kids?

I like to hang out by myself, as I said. I like psychedelics. Psychedelics. Whatever. I like fishing. All lonely pursuits. I love that. Okay.

Now, let's be honest here. I don't know what you said about squirting. What was the point of what you were saying? Oh, well, when a girl says, oh, guess what, I'm a fucking squirter. Do girls tell you that a lot? In real life, how many girls have told you that? Do you have sex with a lot of puppets? What was that voice you were doing?

I'm a squirter. I'm a squirter. Oh no. I want you to think really hard. How many girls in real life have told you that they're a squirter? About ten. Ten girls.

Ten, yeah. Ten girls. And this is all in the past four years. Yeah. So you got divorced. Was your wife a squirter? No. No, the only thing is squirting out of her were fucking babies, right?

And then here you are, four years single. That means you're basically averaging, what, 2.2 squirters per year, right? And then here you are. Four years single. That means you're basically averaging, what, 2.2 squirters per year, right? Something like that. Right around between 2.2 2.4 squirters per year. So once every six fucking four to six months, there's just

a squirter. It's out of nowhere. Just knocking on your door. Yes. And all I say is I don't want to be pissed on. What? I don't want to be pissed on. And if you tell me you're a squirter, I'm not going to fucking try. By the looks of your shoes, you look like you've had way more men tell you that they're squirters.

Yeah. Tony, this guy looks like my future. Yeah. This guy looks like Oldberg. He does. He does. So have you ever made a girl squirt? Fuck no.

Fuck no. Yeah, they tell you they're a squirter. I'm a squirter. And you're like, stay away from me, mate. I'll make you a little steel dildo, but I'm out of here. Something like that. Small dick? You have a small dick?

Good question. It's pretty big. It's a good size. It's not curved at all, is it? Yes, it's curved to the side. He's got one of those fucking little Australian boomerang dicks. Just fucking throw it at him. Comes right back.

I love it, Raul. Well, man, that was a lot of fun. You fucking take the jokes like a champion. You have a great sense of humor, and it's not easy getting this show started very clearly by your performance, as we could tell. But you did it here tonight. That takes a lot of balls.

Congratulations, Raul, everybody. Let's get it going. TNT. And he'll win the fight. Okay, this should be interesting. Make some noise for your next comedian, Kanye East. Kanye East. Heck yeah.

Let's see what happens here. Here we go. Here comes Kanye. Hell yeah. One more time for Kanye East, everybody. What's going on, Melbourne? I'm happy to be at the Death to Tony show. And I want to ask you a question.

Have you ever walked in a 7-Eleven? You don't walk in a 7-Eleven, but if you did and I came in and you had a candy bar selection, I don't have enough for the Snickers bar. I don't have the last 80 cents. Can I have it? No one says no to Kanye. I don't...

What is... Why do you look at me like I'm a guy who's not cool? I know how to be cool. I'm one of the biggest rappers this side of the equator. What are you talking about? Do you have any sense

so I can buy a Snickers bar? Kanye East, everybody. Wow. Jesus walks, but clearly you do not. Wow. This is great. There you go. Okay, Danny.

Kanye is not my real name. I know. Amy Schumer is your real name. Yeah. I got a penis. I got a penis. You got a penis? Amy Schumer doesn't have a penis like me. Uh-huh. It's like a tiny elephant trunk,

and when I shave it, it looks like a sad old man with no eyes, sitting in a wheelchair made out of flesh. Yeah. Do you have any sense for my candy bar? Wow, okay. You're committed.

I like that. I'm not. I can't back down from this. I get in character in the morning, and I go to the business district and beg for coins, and then I get a candy bar, and I come to the Death to Tony show. Okay, just take a breath for a second here, just for one second here while the funny people do things.

Go ahead, Joel. This guy's like William Cuntgummery. Oh. Hold on, hold on. Go ahead, say some bullshit that makes no sense to my face. I know. I'll tell you that I used to play in the Chesky. All right, he did it.

I used to play in the Chesky Krumlov Marching Band. Okay, hold on. Just relax. Relax, Kanye. So this is a character that you do. Let's talk to the real guy. All right. Okay, sure.

There you go. How are you, buddy? Very good. Hi. Very good. How are you? How long have you been doing stand-up? Ten years.

Ten days? No, ten years. Ten years. Really? Yeah. And you do different characters? No, that's the new guy. How long have you been working on Kanye?

Like two months or something. Wow. Yeah. And that's your main thing is like the candy bar, like getting money for the- That's the only thing I've done more than once. Otherwise, that guy's talking about, do you want to talk to JFK on my magic telephone? By the way, I liked it, man. You looked back at me and you had written,

you were prepared for me to not be smiling. But compared to the first guy, you're fucking, you're goddamn Dave Chappelle. So, I mean, like... Thank you. You literally, for those of you just listening to the podcast, I was smiling when he looked back and said, oh, Tony, you're looking at me all angry, like whatever you said.

But I was smiling. You weren't prepared for that, were you? No, not really. You thought I was going to fucking hate you, didn't you? You kind of do. You're sort of right. Yeah, absolutely. I don't really like characters that much.

But I do love the fact that you broke out and started talking to me. So now I'm on your good side. Had you fucking committed to it, you'd already be back to obscurity back then. But here you are. You've really been doing it 10 years? Yeah. I did it for seven, and then I stopped for a few years.

Let's check in with Dave Gunther real quick. Yeah, I didn't believe it before, but I guess black is pretty slimming. I got trapped in a bakery. Why? Let me ask a bakery. Why? Let me ask you this. Why that voice? I love that voice, man.

It's like, I actually, I was just bored. I hate that guy. Turn on the other guy. I'm squatting in a house. You're squatting in a house? Yeah, which means that I'm not paying rent, and I don't own it, and some lady... I think you said in a house. You're squatting in a house? Yeah, which means that I'm not paying rent and I don't own it. I think you said under a bridge wrong. A lady passed away and I just moved in and started paying the bills.

Is her body still in the house? No, no, no, no, no. You started paying the bills? Yeah, I paid the council. I took out a loan and I told the bank it was for an art project. And then I paid $16,000 of council rates in arrears. And now I'm doing renovations on the place. Wow.

Is all of her stuff still there? No, no. I cleared all that out. You cleared it out? Yeah. How long ago did this lady die? 2011? 2011.

Does the family know? There's no family. That's why. How do you know there's no family? Because I was her neighbor previously. And she told you she had no family. Oh, she told me. No, no.

I just, you know. You'll figure that out when you go into someone's home. I'm starting to think this isn't a character, but that you're haunted. Yeah. I'm starting to feel like Kanye East is this lady's ghost that just crawled into your fucking system one day. How did she die? Like, pillow or?

Yeah. She lived to be 100. She was 100 years old when she passed away. Yeah, that's exactly. No better time to murder someone after they hit triple digits. Wow, that's incredible. So how soon after she died did you move in? Eight years or seven years.

So it just sat there empty for years. People down at the council, they don't do their job. They just get the money and ignore all the old dead people. Wow. And then I have a chance to make it. Have you ever thought about just talking in your normal voice all the time? Never. Why?

Because it's fucking horrible. I don't know how to write jokes. It's better if I'm just this guy and people think that I am some deranged fuck who wandered in from the street. I don't think anyone believes that. It's better that way. I don't think people believe that, though. I think everybody knew you were not doing your real voice. Yeah, but they

were into it. I thought that he was a Cajun vampire or something like that. And I'll tell you when we got alligators and I will bite you in the neck and drain all your blood at the end of the month. You sound like that dude from South Park with the voice thing in his throat.

Yeah, Truckee Omidy or whatever it is. All right. Anything else interesting about you? I mean, that is crazy.

You just moved into an old dead lady's house. That's a first on Kill Tony's history. I'll tell you that. Like I said, I used to play a snare drum in the Chester Crumlove

marching band. Uh-huh. Yeah, just a snare drum though, right? Nah. The rest of it band. Uh-huh. Yeah, just a snare drum though, right? No. The rest of it too. Really?

Yeah. Is that true or are you just saying that? No. How long did you play drums for? I've been playing for 20 years. Really? Are you lying to me? I feel like he's lying.

If you're lying, tell me now because I will seriously be so... Why would I lie to you, Tony? I'm a nice guy. I'm cool. I'm going to tell you something right now. Kanye, Kanye, relax. Just breathe a little bit, okay? I'm going to tell you something right now.

If you're lying to me, tell me now and everything will be fine. That's fine. I won't be mad at you. But if I call for a Mexican drum off and you go over there and you just barely hit shit and tippity-tap around like other people have done before that infuriates me, I swear to God I know people, and I will make sure that the council finds you at the house that you're at. So tell me now, have you really played drums for 20 years?

I promise you that I've been playing drums since I was 13. In that case, go grab a seat over there. Let's have a Mexican drum off. Now, before you play, Kanye East, before you play, let me just remind everybody, because there might be some people out there who it's their first time, and I can tell this is the type of audience that wants to see blood here tonight. I can tell this is the type of audience that wants to see blood here tonight. I could tell this is the type of crowd that wants to see

history get made. Now if you don't know, it's a drum solo competition. If Kanye East wins and let's really fucking hope he doesn't. But if he does, he's traveling all around the world with us from now on.

That's including living in Los Angeles, probably in some other dead lady's house. It's a competition that's based off of a drum solo. He gets to pick how he does it. It's about performance. It's about the actual percussions. It's about comedy

overall. It's about connecting with the audience and showing them love in a good time. I will warn you, Kanye, that Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez is undefeated all time in Mexican drum-offs, and I will also warn you that he takes this very seriously because you could possibly take his

job here today. Does this all make sense to you? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, going first, the one and only Kanye East. Uh-oh. Wow. Holy shit.

Wow. This is very concerning. Wow. Wow. Wow. That might have been the best one. That very... This is very interesting.

This is very, very fucking interesting. Joel Berg is in the back clearly praying to the devil himself right now. In an unexpected turn of events, we found something that Kanye East is good at. I am

absolutely shocked at what just happened here. Those of you just listening, he played drums very well, kept his shirt on, didn't really throw out anything comedically, really impressed us just by playing the drums. But this is a multifaceted competition. And now I present to you, undefeated all time, defending his throne for his first time ever here

in Melbourne, Australia, the one and only, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Here we go! He's wrapped himself in, he's wrapped in toilet paper, he's got ski goggles on, he's got the purple dildo! It's in his mouth, he has a bottle of beer, and he has the white dildo

that first made an appearance in Sacramento. Joel, did you hear this guy's drum performance? This guy doesn't exist to me, Tony. I know this is your guy's first time. I've never battled a fucking character before. I know this is your guy's first time seeing it live.

He's got two dildos in his hand. He's here for business. I'm not even going to use the fucking sticks. Oh my god! He's going to use the dildos in his hand he's here for business I'm not even going to use the fucking sticks oh my god he's going to use the dildos I present to you the one and only Joel Berg Joel Jimenez he's using the dildos! Oh, he's flipping off Kanye East!

He's got a dildo in his mouth! He's doing the 360. We've seen this before. He's going out into the audience with a snare drum. Hitting it with the purple dildo. Somersault. Spinneroonie. Toilet paper's everywhere.

I just saw his asshole for a second. Butthole was out. Oh! Drumstick! Oh! Flipping it! That was very, very very very impressive the stage is in shambles a symbol on the bass drum toilet paper everywhere he's still technically in the middle of his drum off Wow. I mean, what else can I say?

What else can I say other than wow? Toilet paper everywhere, ski goggles. There's two dildos on the stage. He's chugging a beer. So let's see what happened here. How many of you have Kanye East winning this drum solo? Wow, that's a lot. Hey, man.

I think the white one won it this time, man. Wow, all right. Okay, very good. It's Dave Gunther. Okay, so let's do it again. How many of you have Kanye East winning this? That's pretty good. How many of you have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez winning this? Well's pretty good. How many of you have

Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez winning this? Well, there you go. Wow. That was the closest one yet, man. Very close, Kanye East. Very close. Good effort. And great job. There he goes. Kanye East, ladies and gentlemen.

That was a close call. Damn, we almost lost you, man. That was a close call. I was about to stab myself in the heart. I'll fucking shoot myself in the head. I'm willing to die for this shit. Wow. Fucking bridge troll.

I played drums for 10 years. How about you try to be your fucking self, you idiot? Wow. Very impressive. How about one more time for Joel Berg, everyone? He said it many times. He will die up here before he loses this job on this show

in today's economy saving money is like an extreme sport coupon clipping promo code searching it takes skill speed sweat unless we're talking kudos new phone internet and streaming bundle with the happy stack you can sit back and stack up the savings on kudo internet a sweet phone plan netflix disney plus and amazon prime all starting at just 99 a month stack more spend less the happy stack only at kudo conditions apply pulled another name out make some noise for liam o'brien li Liam O'Brien. Here we go. Kill Tony, live from Melbourne.

I'm free and I'm back from that ledge. My little friend can't get stand up next to you. One more time for Liam O'Brien, everybody.

Girls, I know what it's like not knowing if someone's talking to you just because you have boobs. I was walking past a gym and there was a sign that said, join us and work out the way you want to. So I did. Turns out free and naked wasn't an option. If there really is a stairway to heaven or highway to hell, gonna help because there's no way I'm walking up any stairs. A cop was holding a sign that said, Stop Police, so I hit him with my car.

Pretty sure that stopped him. I entered a fun run. They lied to me it wasn't fun at all. I brought an Xbox Kinect. It scans you and makes a little avatar of yourself. I tried it out and a message came up saying, please scan one person at a time. Wow.

Very, very impressive. Liam O'Brien. Hell yeah. You did it, buddy. You just fucking killed Tony. That's the name of the show. You fucking did it. Look Hell yeah. You did it, buddy. You just fucking killed Tony. That's the name of the show. You fucking did it. Look at you, you fucking... Absolutely.

Hell yeah. Look at you, you motherfucker. Where do I even begin with you, you big sexy beast, huh? Look at you. You look like the man in the moon. You look like the man in the moon. You look like the little boy from Up.

You also look like the house from the movie Up. And you also look like the pile of balloons from the movie Up. It's all very impressive. So how long's it been since you ate the Addams family? Are you the house that Kanye East

lives in? My goodness, you are adorable. Thank you. You just big fucking, look at you. You put the bun in Melbourne. Let's check in with Dave Gunther over here. Yeah, man. He looks like he ate the dingo and the baby, man.

Unbelievable performance here tonight. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? First time. On and off. I quit for a while. On and off for how long? Seven years. Seven years. That makes a lot more sense. Absolutely. All here in Melbourne? Yeah. Yeah, this is where you're born

and raised? Yes. Oh, shit. What's going on over here? Were you ready to cut this guy's diabetic foot off? Why do you have a saw? We'll be here all night. I love it. What was the last question I just asked you

how long have you been doing it yeah 7 years very good and what do you do for work I'm a carer for my uncle oh you take care of your uncle jeez what the fuck's wrong with him my god how morbidly obese is he to where you're taking care of him

no he's got cancer oh he's got cancer oh my god party machine Yeah, no, he's got cancer. Oh, he's got cancer. Oh, my God. Jesus. Party machine. What kind of cancer? Prostate. Prostate.

How much longer do you think he has? Two months. Two months. Wow. Heck, yeah. So it looks like you're going to move into his house when he dies, huh? Absolutely. Very good. is that really true? Yeah, no, that's all true

Wow, that's incredible Wow That's very nice of you, man Yeah, that's awesome, how long have you been doing that for? 10 years now You've been taking care of him for 10 years? Wow, incredible You're a goddamn superhero.

Was it one of those things where they told him he only had a few weeks? No, it just got progressively worse. My goodness. You close with him? Is he a nice guy? He's all right. Yeah. Who cares?

A couple more months, you can say whatever you want about him, right? That's fun. You close with all your family? Yeah, just me, mom, and him. Yeah. And you're able to, how do you support yourself from that? Your uncle had money or something? Government.

Government. Oh, very cool. Very cool. It's obviously, yeah, it's a big government. What do you do for fun, Liam? Other than stand up. Just normal,

go to movies. Go to movies? Yeah. What else? Conventions, Comic Cons. Conventions, Comic Cons.

Are you into cosplay? Do you dress up? No, no. I can't find costumes that big. Oh, I don't, I don't buy that for a second.

You might be Indiana Jones. If you could dress up as someone, if you could get any costume made for you, who would it be? Honestly, I haven't ever thought of it. You've never thought of it? No. I know I have the typical nerd look,

but to me, that's the next level. Right. How about Love Life? That's stage three nerdom. You ever go on dates or anything like that? No. Never? No.

It's too expensive. Really? I can barely afford it in an hour. You ever kiss a girl? Yeah. How long has it been since you kissed a girl? Kissed? Hooked up?

Or just? Surely. All of them. All of them? All of the above. Three months ago, properly just hooking up. So what was three? Who'd you hook up with three months ago?

Just a random off Plenty of Fish. Off Plenty of Fish? Wow. So, like, my goodness, what did she look like, huh? Just looked like me. Her name is more than me. Easy. Easy.

Come on over to my house. Suck it. I live here all by myself. You can ask the council. Come on over here. I got some drumsticks over here. I love it, man. So you had sex with that girl? Yeah. Oh my

goodness. Look at you. I like your fucking style. I would give anything to see fucking surveillance video of that performance. I mean, I would just to pay tribute, just to show you how much I like you, I would jerk off to that.

That is incredible, Liam. Do you have any special moves that you do in the bedroom? I feel like when you eat pussy, you actually eat it. All right? Put a little fucking butter and Vegemite on that fucking... Puss, puss. You go down under with a fucking little goddamn blunder. Put a little fucking Alright

Hell yeah You have any special moves or tricks in the bedroom? Anything that you do special? If I last longer than five minutes it's good Hell yeah And that's just exercise wise Exercise wise Heck yeah You seem like the type of guy that would come taking off your pants Hell yeah. And that's just exercise-wise. Exercise-wise.

Heck yeah. You seem like the type of guy that would come taking off your pants. You know what I mean? Just from the friction. Yeah, exactly. Do you go up every week? No, I took the time off to look after Uncle properly, like full-time. So I don't get out much. So what's the plan

for when he you know when he eventually probably bury him would be the biggest plan yeah absolutely heck yeah

you're pretty good at that you buried the other two comics that went up before you you're fucking the Melbourne Undertaker over here just fucking killing motherfuckers, man.

I love your style, dude. Thank you. So you ever get to travel? You ever get to do anything crazy? You're just pretty much here. Just pretty much here. But other than burying him, any other big goals or plans? I'm sure you've thought about this.

No, I haven't really. Really? No. Huh. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. That's interesting. Interesting, interesting. My goodness. What did he do when he was your age?

Younger or anything like that, you know? He's a cleaner for a college. Then he was a manager. So he was around a lot of cleaning products. Probably, yeah. You know what they say, stay dirty, make it past 30. Heck yeah. Do they say that?

Who the hell did you hear that from, man? Just some guy. You know what, Liam? Since this is just such a fun episode and you're just such an incredible human being and you gave such a fucking unbelievable performance, I think there's only one thing to do here, and that is to award you to be the seventh ever golden ticket winner in the show's history. I don't know if you know what that means, but that means that you can do a minute on any episode of Kill Tony for the show's eternity. If you ever show up in Los Angeles on a Monday, you get to perform at the Comedy Store for a minute on Kill Tony.

If you show up at Kill Tony Mania in San Francisco, you get to do a minute there. Every time we come to Melbourne from here on out, you get to do a minute here. You're basically a regular on the show any time you can make it there. Thank you. Yeah, well deserved. Great performance. Way to take the jokes. Way to literally and metaphorically roll with everything here tonight. Literally and metaphorically. It's the same thing.

So congratulations to you. Very, very impressive. And there you go. Liam O'Brien, everyone. Congratulations. There you go. Liam O'Brien, everyone. Congratulations. There you go. Not since Willy Wonka has a guy shaped like that won a golden ticket. How fucking cool is that?

That almost never happens. What a great story. Liam O'Brien. It just happened right here in Melbourne. All right. There you go. I'd like to see what happens after his uncle dies. I'll tell you what happens.

That fucking guy right there is going to goddamn, is going to fucking do P90X and start fucking, I don't know what. I don't know. All right. You guys having fun out there? All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. start fucking... I don't know what. I don't know what. Alright. You guys having fun out there? Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Bobby Sandhu.

Bobby Sandhu. America. America. God shed his grace on thee. What are we doing? I grew up very religious.

My family and I were Buddhists. Every Sunday we'd go down to a local Buddhist temple. And I'd sit there in my long flowing robes and I'd meditate. So one day as I'm sitting there I feel this tap on my shoulder. I open my eye and I see this middle-aged Asian lady. Some of you non-Buddhists may even call her a milf.

She looked at me, she said, I have a young son. My name is Dan, I have a young son. He's only a few years older than you, and he's really fallen off the Buddhist path. He's partying and carrying on. Could you please pray for my son? I was very touched by this, a very heartfelt moment. I felt honored that this lady thought so highly of me, and had asked me to pray for my son. I was very touched by this, a very heartfelt moment. I felt honored that this lady thought so highly of me and had asked me to pray for her son. Anyway,

a few years later, I'm doing a few lines of cocaine at Rev's. And I'm telling my boys this story. I go, boys, you wouldn't believe it. Just a few years ago, I was killing the Buddhist game. You know, winning awards and shit. The Dalai Lama would DM me. It was out of control. This one time, this lady, Anne, one of the boys goes, Anne,

that was me mother. It was like some Buddhist circle of life shit. I didn't know what to do, you know? It was crazy. Absolutely. Bobby Sandhu.

How long you been doing stand-up, Bobby? About six months. Six months. Very cool. All of it here. This is where you're from, Melbourne? I'm from the Central months. Six months. Very cool. All of it here. This is where you're from, Melbourne? I'm from the Central Coast.

I moved here about a year and a half ago. So Central Coast. Where is that sort of geographically? Hour and a half north of Sydney, yeah. Hour and a half north of Sydney. So that's south of here? North of Sydney. My geography's not, you know.

You don't even know? I'm supposed to be the one that doesn't know. Sydney's south of here, right? Sydney's north. I wonder why we went to Melbourne and then Sydney. We just flew over Sydney to get here today? God damn it. Hell yeah.

How old are you, Bobby? 19. Wow? 19. Wow, 19. There you go. I was right. You do have a very youthful, yet you also seem like you could be your own father for some reason. Something youthful yet mature about the way you look. Heck yeah.

So how's it going, man? 19 years old, six months into the game. What do 19-year-olds do for fun in Australia? Well, the reason I moved to Melbourne when I was 15, I started doing Brazilian jiu-jitsu. You started doing jiu-jitsu? Yeah. Heck yeah.

I was going to say, you look like Jorge Masvidal with leukemia. That's a good one. What rank are you and what gym do you go to? Do you want to shout that out? What uh What uh What belt What rank are you And what gym do you go to Do you want to shout that out Yeah yeah I'm a blue belt

Training at Absolute St. Kilda Best gym in the country Wait wait wait What was that again Absolute St. Kilda Absolute St. Kilda Yeah yeah Okay

That's a training camp That's a gym yeah That's a gym We've got some of the best guys In the country And I moved here To train there full time. What ethnicity are you? Are you fucking...

What is this? What are we talking about? Is this Al-Qaeda training? What are we doing here? This is very... Dude. This is very concerning. Man, whatever ethnicity he is, I don't trust him, man.

Yeah. Yeah, I got a couple American patriots behind you, so no quick moves, all right? Getting nervous. What ethnicity are you?, all right? I'm getting nervous. What ethnicity are you? My parents are Indian. I'm Indian. You're Indian? Yeah. You sure?

Yeah, I was born here, though. You were born here? Really? Yeah, I'm Indian, yeah. All right. What part of India? Northern Indian, Punjab. Is that what they told you to say? All right, that's cool. What do your parents do for work? Teacher and a doctor?

They have a convenience store Wow, I thought I stereotyped them Real Indian You really threw them either under the bus Or on top of a train, I'm not sure When his parents have sex They don't 69. They save an 11.

That's true. And sometimes they also do it slum doggy style. Shy one. Hell yeah. Wow. Yeah, it's impressive, right? You're on the number one live podcast in the world.

I can't believe I'm up here. You're a little fucking young buckaroony. What. I can't believe I'm up here. It's crazy. Little fucking young buckaroonie. What do you have, a blue belt, you said? Yeah, yep. Do you think your body has helped you in jiu-jitsu or hindered you, like being tall and skinny? There's pros and cons. If you look at the world champions,

they're all different sizes and shapes. There's some things that I can do that length and reach and whatnot, but there's... We'll talk about this later. We're boring them to death. That's incredible. So how long have you been training for? Last four years, but seriously, the last two years I've started competing and making that the thing I want to do.

That's awesome. Is that where you put all your focus into? You have a job? I was. Yeah, I work a week in security every now and then just enough to eat, to train. But I tore my medial meniscus about two months ago. Yeah. So I just started doing it.

I was doing comedy like once a week and then I just started doing comedy every night and trying to do as much comedy as possible. Now you're doing it every night? Yeah, I'm doing it every night, yeah. Melbourne's great. You've got heaps of open mics and everyone's cool. How about youthful things

you do anything youthful you ever play like Fortnite or anything like that no I'm not really into I do a lot of drugs I guess that's youthful what

you do drugs you do the stereotypical Australian cocaine it's it's it's like

all my acts like all drugs but I'm almost a cop as well on the side, so it makes it a bit... Hell yeah. So you do a lot of drugs. Told you you didn't trust him, man. My parents wouldn't...

Did you not hear him say he's a blue belt, you idiot? My parents wouldn't let me come to Melbourne if I told them I was coming for jiu-jitsu, like Indian parents. So I told them I was becoming a cop, applied, and then I just kept doing it to the test, and now I'm, like, at stage nine, and almost in, and now... Heck, yeah. So is the last comedian's uncle. He's on stage nine, too.

Oh! Oh! Anyway, wow. So your parents have no idea that you're secretly doing comedy and a lot of drugs. Anyway. Wow. So your parents have no idea that you're secretly doing comedy and a lot of drugs. It's crazy. Like, my parents are super religious. I wouldn't name the religions a bit, you know.

Right. I say Buddhist. It's not Buddhist. But I don't want to mess with those people. It's not. Wait. You lost me there. You said that they're Buddhist?

They're not Buddhist. But I'm not going to say what they are. Oh, I mean, we all have to know what they are. This crowd wants to know, right? Tell us, what religion are your parents? Shit, I feel peer-freshed right now. Yeah, man, this is what it feels like. They're Sikhs.

They're Sikhs. Okay, so can you explain to us sort of what that means? Sikhism, it's one of the Indian religions. I'm feeling a little Sikh to my stomach right now. Go ahead. That's a bad joke. Go ahead. It's not that funny. My biggest fear was that someone would find out about everything else I do from comedy. And I feel like a lot of people see this podcast and sort of go into that direction and we can't really turn back now.

Wow. Wait, you think somebody in this audience is going to find your parents and be like, your son's living a lie. There's a lot of Indian taxi drivers out there listening to podcasts, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, anything can happen. Indians never use computers.

Wow, that's so interesting. It's crazy. Like, I wear a turban all the time. Like never use computers. Wow. That's so interesting. It's crazy. Like, I wear a turban all the time. Like, I look completely different. You wear a turban? I run, like, kids programs at the temple. Oh, my goodness.

My pop is the temple president. Like, it's crazy. Wow, this guy's clapping for that. Hell, yeah. Clapping because of the kids thing or the turban? Both. Wow. You do that stuff too?

You wear a turban sometimes? What the fuck then, man? He just likes skits. It's brown pride, dude. I don't know what goes on here in Australia, but in America, wearing a turban does not get an applause break. All right? Sorry.

Never forget. So stupid. I'm just kidding Bobby Wow Anything else fun about you Bobby That we should know about That's about it My Instagram is Bobby Sandu BJJ

If you guys want to Follow my video Yeah man Nobody understood How the hell You just said that, man. We just heard Bobby Sandu. It's Bobby just B-O-B-Y Sandu.

Yeah, we know. We know. We know. We know. S-A-N-D-H-U-B-J-J. All one word. All one word. There you go.

Bobby Sandu, everybody. On to the next one. On to the next one. America Godshed. Oh, you guys don't even know this song. That's so funny. Sometimes I forget. We're on the other side of the world. Pulled another name out of the bucket.

Paul Young, the bucket of destiny has chosen you. The old Melbourne cup. Totally a nice bucket, but we can call it whatever we want. Let's just go with Paul Young. Here he is. Whoa, hell yeah. Paul Young, everybody. Here we go. Every bit of a sing-along. Here we go. There she was

just a-walkin' down the street singin'. Thank you very much. Don't appreciate the fuckin' comeback. Last time I did that, one person gave me a do-a-diddy-diddy back. So I said, go fuck yourselves, you fucking pricks, and stormed off the stage and vowed never again. Well, I opened for the Wiggles. My father-in-law died a few years ago. He's now buried at Marama. I'm actually from Adelaide. And Adelaide's an eight-hour trip to Marama.

And my wife wants to go visit the fucking gravesite. I don't mind the eight-hour drive. But I'm not looking forward to the three-hour dig to search for the body. I can't remember where I buried it. Recently, you get trolled with social media. People get trolled with social media. The other day I woke up. Fucking first thing I read was, you're a fucking arsehole. Go kill yourself, you get trialled with social media. People get trialled with social media. The other day I woke up,

fucking first thing I read was, you're a fucking arsehole. Go kill yourself, you fucking old prick. That was a post-it note on the fridge. From my daughters. And I think they loved me as much as I thought they did. And it was Father's Day. Wow.

Paul Young. Killing it. Heck yeah. Thank you, Tony. Paul Young. Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to the show. Welcome, Tony. Heck yeah.

That was a great performance. Thank you. That was very good. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy for? Off and on. I do it as a hobby, about three or four years. Look at you. It's just like nothing to you. I didn't really understand a single fucking word you said out there,

I'm going to be honest with you. I'm trying to get all that in a minute. I don't know what that was either, but I'll tell you this, the crowd fucking loved you, man. I didn't realize they had auctioneer comedians here. Are there subtitles that I don't know about? Yeah. I like your style.

Paul Young, have you ever thought about changing your name to Paul Older Than You Think? No, no. No, I'm just kidding. I saw you at the Marriott Hotel a few years ago. You were very good. You stayed at a Marriott Hotel? Marriott Hotel in Adelaide, and you picked me out and had a crack at me because I had a New York top on and a Boston Red Sox hat. Oh, you saw me performing.

Yeah, you performed at the Marriott hotel in Adelaide back about three years ago. Yep, I've performed in Adelaide a few times, absolutely. And so you were wearing... I was wearing a New York top and a Boston Red Sox hat. That is so funny. I do sort of remember that. And you had a crack at me for wearing American gear. And then I opened up my top because it was a hoodie

and I had a Hawaii T-shirt on. A Hawaii T-shirt. Yeah, that is... You'll never know how funny that really is because you're Australian, so you just don't know that you were wearing rival teams. That's,

it's unheard of to wear both, like, that is a comedy, that would be a comedy, like, that would be a comedy character. Yeah,

have a Yankees top and a Boston Red Sox hat. Yeah, but you weren't doing it on purpose to be funny. No, no, I just wore it there because I liked it.

Just wearing it because you're an oblivious Australian guy. Yeah. In Australia, that'd be like wearing a Carlton hat and a Collingwood top. Yeah, absolutely. Look at that. Look at that.

Look at these people are mad at you all of a sudden. So, Paul, you seem like you've had a fun fucking cool life. I love that you just do this as a hobby for the last three or four years. What did you do with your life before that? What have you been doing? I coach athletes in the pro running circuit, so I do that. I work in the tax office in Mooney Ponds. Got sick of it.

Hated it. I know. It's a fucking shocking job. So I chucked it all in and moved to Adelaide. He works at the tax office? I did. No, no, no. 20 years ago. By the way, it's easier for me to read Jeremiah's lips from here.

That's how I know. Yeah, I'm a translator, man. Easier for me to read his lips than it is to understand what supposedly is English coming out of your mouth. I talk too quick, don't I? I used to run fast, so now I talk so fast. Do-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-didger-y-do. That's what the fuck's going on over there. I might use that.

So you work in the tax office. No, no, 20 years ago. I chucked it in, and I moved to Adelaide. You chucked in, then you moved to Adelaide. All right. And then that's it. Checked in means retired? No, no, no.

I still work. I work in the tax office, but I work for deceased estates. Why are you booing taxes, people? You need to pay taxes so that you have things. I look after deceased estates tax stuff. How stupid are you to boo taxes? It's what makes everything run. I like this audience because they booed taxes,

but they cheered for cancer. What's up, y'all? What's up? This is my kind of audience right here, man. Hell yeah, don't audience right here, man. Hell yeah. Don't pay those taxes, man. I think these people think that you're the one

that invented the idea of taxes, Paul. This is incredible. I know he looks like he could have, but... He looks like he's teabagging people.

When people die, I look after their taxes. So I do... This is the state I work after their taxes. Oh, really? Have you heard about this lady that died and left her house? No, no, I don't know.

She might have been a client of mine. Yeah, might have been. A hundred years ago, we might have to do, we would have to find her beneficiaries so we could pay out the estate. Yeah, I agree. She may have been a mountain climber. She likes... And yeah, she's probably a magician for sure.

So you're a married guy? Yes, married. 31 years. That's great. 31 years. What does she do? She works hearing life in Adelaide. Looks after a reception. I've got three daughters. Oh, wow. Okay. Sorry, I thought we were just booing everything.

I've got three daughters. Oh, wow. Sorry, I thought we were just booing everything. I've got three daughters. Okay, so she works as a hearing... Hearing Life. It's a hearing aid place. Oh, wow. Can she get me one so that I can understand

what the fuck you're saying up here? What do you do for fun, Paul? Well, I coach an athletic squad of about a dozen runners on the pro running circuit. You have a dozen runners on the pro running circuit. You have a dozen runners on the pro running circuit. Yeah, sprinting. Scratched up to about 400. Scratched up with about 400 of them.

Do you have to repeat everything I say? I don't understand. I can't believe I'm getting any of it right. Yeah. I'm just sort of guessing. Yeah. So it's a professional running circuit where they run off handicaps. They run for prize money.

Ah, yes. So we had a good year last year. Indeed. And, okay, so you are the host of The Price is Right, the Australian version. And you're running for government of some kind in the near future. That's very exciting. So, wow. So you coach runners.

Yeah. Sprinters. Sprinters. Sprinters. My goodness. Are you a sprinter yourself? I used to be years ago. Years ago. Yeah, I don't know.

Fuck, I'm too old to be a sprinter now. You don't sprint anymore, right? No. Can you just show us how you would take off running? Can you just run to there? I might do my hamstring. Oh, really? Yeah. All right.

There's a race called the stall gift, and I ran in that for many years. Wait, what did you just say there to make that happen? What the hell is going on? What did you just say there? Well, the Stahl Gift's the richest professional foot race of its type in the world, and I've run in that for many years. I actually won it in 1985 and ran second in 1991. You won it when you were 95 and 91?

Yeah. All right. I don't know what's going on here. I know. If Red Band looked it up on YouTube, the 1985 store gift, you'll see it. You're bringing Red Band into this? Wait, what'd I do? I don't know what's thicker.

No, I'm just saying. I don't know what's thicker, Red Band or your accent. Sorry. Oh, man. I feel like I'm having a stroke. I know. It's really hard to understand what the fuck's going on. Yeah.

Wait, what? Oh, that was you? Yeah. So I won a bit of money. You wanted to be a madam? You can win on the betting as well. You can bet back yourself to win. Yeah.

For sure. Absolutely. You can bet on yourself. You understand with horse racing, you can bet. And so I backed myself to win as well as won the prize money. You pat yourself on the winner as well with all the prize money. I don't think he understands what backed me. I bet on myself.

You bet on yourself. Yeah, to win. To win. So I won some prize money and I won some betting money. Oh, that's cool. I got a question. What's your dick like? That's a good question.

Does it still work? No comment. Is it a little fucking sprinter? It doesn't matter if it works. What's your dick like? That's a good question. Does it still work? No comment. Is it a little fucking sprinter? It doesn't matter if it works. What's the size? I have three daughters. Can you do... I wonder, you have such a thick accent.

Do you think you could do an American accent? Try to sound like us? Yeah, can you enunciate and speak in English? Well, I was in America last year, and I went and watched the Yankees play, and I watched the fucking Boston Red Sox play. Did you? No, I watched the Red Sox play.

I watched the Yankees play. They played the Cleveland Indians. Oh, man. I understood them for like three seconds. I watched the Yankees play the Indians. You look like a deleted character from Gilligan's Island. It's true. Paul, I love your style, man.

Oh, yeah. Look at that. The first Strollberg chant of the night. Paul, I love your style, man. So fucking cool. And for just treating this like a hobby for the last few years. Unbelievably great performance. We see a lot of people on this show.

And I love it when people of all shapes and sizes and ages come on and do things, and you're a perfect example of what a smart man can do if he applies himself in this art form. Wow, that's not like you. I watch this show, and you fucking rarely ever give compliments. What the hell do you want me to say? I'm not going to take it back. Thank you very much.

I appreciate it, Tony. You remind me, I mean, all right, if you want me to be a little bit meaner, I can tell you you remind me a lot of a George Pell. Nah, now you're fucking stepping over the line. Fucking not George Pell. Actually, I know there's a joke about George Pell. I won't tell him now.

All right, there you go. There he goes. Paul Young, everybody. There he goes. There you go. He's got a long walk back to Torak tonight. All the way back to Torak he goes. Didn't work the second time either.

I thought maybe you guys just didn't hear me, but... TORAC? Am I saying that right? TORAC. TORAC 64. That's right. Rich bastards. Yeah, but it doesn't work for him? All right.

Fuck it. I don't give a shit. Do-do-do-do-do. All right. Pulled a name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian, Dan Blair, everyone. Dan Blair. Ooh, there's some rumbles in the audience for Dan Blair.

Let's see what happens here. How about a hand for the band? New songs, killing it, always. I love you. One more time for Dan Blair, everybody. Dan Blair. Holy shit. Holy shit.

Man, I've been this nervous since my son signed up to be an altar boy. You know, the type of nerves you get right before your son spends three hours a week with an unemployed 50-year-old balding man who wears black dresses and entices pensions into his house with grape juice and croutons. into his house with grape juice and croutons. I'm actually pretty sceptical of the Catholic Church's methodology in hiring priests, you know. I think there should be three questions

you ask a priest before they join a parish. Number one, do you drink wine from a box? Number two, do you play Fortnite? Number three, if you drink wine from a box? Number two, do you play Fortnite? Number three, if you do play Fortnite, does your username cryptically reference your dick size? If you tick one of those boxes, you're out. Not out-out. You just moved to a smaller country town

with less elaborate questions. Dan Blair, everybody. Dan, keep that mic in your hand. First time doing stand-up? Is it that obvious? Yeah, it is. Heck yeah. Play it three times, Red Bean.

What? Sorry. Talk into the microphone. You know what? I already can't understand you fucking people. At least talk into the microphone so that I can make sure that I definitely can't understand you all the way. You look like a gay Henry Rollins. Yeah, that's true.

He looks like a dad who's trying to bond with his son at the skate park. It is true. We know. trying to bond with his son at the skate park. I can't skate either. We know. It is true, Dan. You a local newscaster? Yeah. Is that true? No.

What do you do for work? Not even close. I run a cleaning and gardening company up in Queensland. I'm an import. You what? For the weekend. Hey, stick with me over here. I'm sorry.

What do you do for work? I own a cleaning and gardening company. Cleaning and gardening? Yeah. Wow. Back in America, that's my people's job. That is true.

Cleaning and gardening. What an interesting combination that is. That is what Joel Berg's parents do for work. Brown Berg. Cleaning and gardening. No Mexicans to hire in Australia, unfortunately. Heck yeah. All right.

So cleaning and gardening. How does that happen? How does that start? How does that become the one-two punch? It's really not interesting. It's not. It's boring as fuck. Things get dirty and plants

grow. No, it's not interesting to me, honestly. It just seems like an interesting combination to me. I wish I could punch it up. That's like saying, oh, I sell cars and also DVDs. It's like

two different fields. That's cooler. That's way cooler. That's cool. A great man once said, keep it dirty if you want to live past 30. Because it's like two different fields. That's Kula. That's my Kula. That's cool. All right. Very good. I mean, a great man once said, keep it dirty if you want to live past 30. So I don't know if your company is going to work, man. That is true.

Dan, how old are you? 36. 36 years old. Heck yeah. You don't look a day over 63. Yeah. That's great. I'm nine years older than you.

Wow. Look's great. I'm nine years older than you. Wow. Look at that. Dude, you're getting age shamed by Brian Rebick right now, man. And you have kids? Yeah, three kids, three boys. Three kids, three boys. How old are they? They are 12.

I've got twin boys who are nine. And they're redheads. Whoa, you have two redheaded sons? My God. I've got twin boys who are nine. Oh. And they're redheads. Whoa, you have two redheaded sons? My God. I know, I know. What did you do to get that kind of karma? Redheaded twins. It's still a mystery.

It's a mystery. My goodness, wow. I think your wife fucked around. I'm going to McDonald's again. That's not a mystery. There it is. What did you say there? You hear that, wife?

If you're here tonight, he's calling you a whore. She's here. Shut up. Is she here? She is. Oh, my God. That's the mother of your three sons. She's lovely.

I love her. I mean, really, there's just one. You can't count the two redheaded twins. Wow. Do you ever think you've ever been suspicious of her cheating on you to make those red heads? Not for a second? Come on. Tell the truth.

No, it's legit. Really? It's all me. How do you know that? Gray up top, red down below. Oh, you have red pubes? Yeah. Really?

My God, that is so interesting. For my comfort, yeah. The carpet doesn't match the drapes, but your whole hair is like Christmas themed. You have the silver up top and fucking red pubes. That's incredible. Is that true? Yeah.

We don't need to see it. This is part of the show. I do. No one wants to see his red pubes for sure, but I'm just trying to see if he's lying about that, because that seems like such an interesting thing. You have gray eyebrows, gray hair. Hey, man, you got a penis.

Let me see what that looks like. Yeah. Let's see that fucking cock. It's not black. Pulls it out. It looks like one of the Weasleys from Harry Potter. Wait, wait, wait. I saw your roll.

Okay. He just said that his penis between his legs is not his. What the hell does that mean? No, no, no. I said it's not black. Oh, that's better. Okay. What does your wife do for work?

She works in our own company. At the company. Oh, so she gets fucked by gingers? Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh., she gets fucked by gingers? We hire a lot of gingers. I don't understand you. Yeah, that's interesting. What do you do for fun, Dan?

What's a fun fact about you that makes you different than all these other people in the room? You ever accomplish anything or do anything crazy? No, like mountain biking. What? Mountain biking. Mountain biking. Do I have to hold it closer? Wakeboarding.

Wakeboarding. Heaps of whiteboard shit. Uh-huh, yeah. All right. Yeah, that's it. All right, Dan. That's fun. I know, it's a struggle.

So you're talking about priests. Is that a thing out here? Are they finding out that a lot of priests are doing the same things? Yeah, you referenced George Pell earlier, so I felt it was relevant. Oh yeah, that's where it's in the pocket. Heck yeah. Alright. I like it. Touchy subject.

Alright. Literally. What's that? I said touchy subject. Oh man, I'm really having trouble understanding. It's said touchy subject. Oh, man, I'm really having trouble understanding. It's a touchy subject. He said touchy subject because of the subjects. Gotcha.

Absolutely. Dan, I'm going to be honest with you. This is two comedians in a row that I literally can't understand what you're saying, so it's frustrating me, so I'm going to keep moving along. Ozzy, Ozzy, Ozzy. There he goes, Dan Blair. Heck yeah. They don't like you enough to do the oy, oy, oy part.

Oh, stripping. We love you, Dan. Good job, pal. First time. Not easy. Tried to write actual jokes. That's not easy either. It really is a hard show to do when you can't understand.

It really was. It's a hard show to do when you can't understand. Really. You guys having fun out there? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad? It doesn't seem like that, by the way. Everybody always says that, but then people suck up here and people are like, boo. All right, this is interesting.

There's an exclamation point at the end of this one word name. Put your hands together for Dano. Dano. D-A-N-O. Might be an M. Could be an M. Could be an M. Damo, Dano. I wanna swim right into your ocean.

Is this Damo? Nope. Dano, Damo, Dano, Dano, Dano. Red band. Damo. Oh, no Dano? All right. Dano exc Red band. Damo. No Damo. All right. Damo exclamation point.

All right. That's weird. Damo. D-A-M-O or D-A-N-O. If you have bad handwriting and you have a name that's spelled either way, then you got pulled. Is there a demo? Nope. Okie dokie. Blacklisted. Red band.

Hey, very good, young lady. Okay, another one-word name. One word, two letters. Put your hands together for JC. JC. JC. Get your ass up here. No movement. Somebody yelling into that lobby?

Is this JC? Looks like it. Looks like it could be. Doesn't look like a staff member to me. Here we go. Make some noise for JC, everyone. Make some noise for JC, everyone. I just got to the front of the fucking bar line.

And if my week wasn't hard enough, I got dumped the other day Fuck up I don't need it Dating's hard, it's weird Like the big things are never the big problems When dating Like this last girl, she didn't care that I cheated on her She didn't care that I didn't tell her that I cheated on her

For her the big hang up was that I didn't tell her that I cheated on her. For her, the big hang-up was that I was three years older than her. Yeah. But I said, like, my little sister, I don't know if you guys do this too, my little sister's five years younger than me. So I figured

since we dated for like a year and a half, that should be fine, right? Relax. Relax. So I figured since we dated for like a year and a half That should be fine right Relax relax I didn't date my sister It was just a casual thing But still Very physical Fuck yeah Welcome welcome

Hell yeah JC welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. It's a pleasure. Heck yeah. First, we're going to check in with the great Dave Gunther. Yeah, so he talked about dating his sister, and I found it very relatable, man. Yeah. Did you say you got broken up with recently? Yeah, I said that, but, I mean, come on. I was clearly joking.

Take a look at this. You know the worst thing about breaking up? I mean, I can pull my sister, so I'm not having trouble, guys. Yeah, but you know the worst thing about breaking up with your sister is you still see her at all the family reunions. Okie dokie. Wow, JC, you have a lot of swagger, man. Where do you get all this confidence from? I've been drinking a lot tonight.

Oh, okay. How long have you been battle rapping? Yeah. Since the mid-90s, I think. How long have you personified the drug ketamine? Exactly. That is it. That is true.

You do that drug sometimes, don't you? I can tell by the vein that protrudes out of your forehead when you laugh. You say I do do drugs? Huh? You do drugs a lot, right? Yeah, you look like it for sure. I agree with Dave Gunther big time on this. You seem like you have special hiding spots in every part of your body for drugs.

Lots. Interesting. What's your drug of choice? By the hat, I'm guessing everything. Accurate. I like to smoke a lot of weed. No. That's not a real We don't consider that a drug. Here it's still almost a real

drug. Where we're from, that's more legal than cigarettes. Where do you st, that's more legal than cigarettes. Where do you stash your weed? Your sister's pussy? Hell yeah, man. Hell yeah. No, I need to stash it somewhere. I'm not going to find it, man.

Oh. Okay. Oh, that was an awe. So he doesn't really fuck his sister. So let's talk about the real JC here. Thank you. So how long have you been doing stand-up? I think I've done it like a handful of times like less than 10 less than 10 times over a long period of time nah like i think i maybe started like mid this year or something

like that okay you made that a lot longer of an answer than it has to be uh and what do you do for work? Soundcloud rapper? On weekends I work for like a company that sells swords Swords? It's pretty cool I can get my friends to hook up But a little while ago There was a little thing that went down on Burke Street

Yeah, what happened on Burke Street? This guy who I thought was real cool, really like, he really took advantage of me, guys. Really. That's my bad. What happened? Hey.

Again, I have no idea what the fuck's going on. Congratulations to you guys. I stabbed a bunch of guys in the street. With the sword that you sold them? No, no, no, no, no. He didn't pay. You gave him the sword? Yeah.

You gave him a sword to borrow? Is this true? Am I still allowed to be joking or is this all the way? I mean, it would be pretty dumb to be joking at this point, but I guess it really doesn't fucking matter. They seem to be enjoying themselves. I really don't care. Was part of you like a little bit proud that finally one of your swords got used for something?

It's fulfilling in a weird way. Is that really what you do for work or is that part of the setup of this big fucking stupid joke? It's really what I do for work. I had no part in that guy killing people. Oh, okay, cool. So what do you do for fun? Tell us interesting shit about you. I already have said it.

I just kind of fuck around with stand-up comedy or I'll smoke a bit of weed, sometimes both at the same time, like tonight. So your love life, did you really get broken up with? Well, recently I did break up with someone. So I guess it was kind of... Why'd you break up with her? Or him.

I went out to dinner one night and she tried to call me 14 times in like an hour. Oh. Wait, you went to dinner with someone else and she tried to call you 14 times? Yeah, but someone like with my family. Oh, you're with your family. Fuck your family? I thought we covered that, man. That's the whole thing of this.

So you were out to dinner with your family and this was how long do you think you were at dinner for? Two hours? Three hours? Oh, under two hours. Under two family. And this was, how long do you think you were at dinner for? Two hours, three hours? Oh, under two hours. Under two hours. And you counted 14 times. I didn't have to count. My phone did it for me. Right.

Were you supposed to do something with her that night? Like, loosely? And actually, this was, yeah. Shut up. Over here. Over here. Do not pay any attention to them whatsoever. It was like, if I had time, I'll let you know.

Maybe we'll get a drink after dinner. And she hadn't heard from me yet because I was still at dinner. How long were you with this girl? I don't know. A couple of weeks. Four or five weeks. Okay. Well, that's not really a breakup, do you think, is it?

No. Right. And she let you keep her nose ring? She let you keep her nose ring? She gave that to you when you guys were hanging out on... It's kind of sweet, yeah. Fitzroy or whatever? No joke. She's from the fucking north side, yeah.

What? What'd you just say? No joke. She's from the north side. There you go. Absolutely. I'm not surprised. How often do you lose yourself in the music the moment you own it?

You better never let it go. Whenever my palms get sweaty, you know. What ethnicity are you? I'm half Greek, so very sweaty. Yeah. And the other half is feta cheese. I love it, man. Very interesting stuff, JC.

What's the most... What's the most... What's the biggest mistake you think you've made in your life? You could just say anything. I'm pretty close to it right now, I think. Probably wearing your beanie that far back. Yeah, I think. What's that look? How do you have a receding hairline and a rec your beanie that far back. Yeah, I think. What's that look?

How do you have a receding hairline and a receding beanie at the same time? That's true. That's true. That is the hippest yarmulke I've ever seen someone wear. Well, you did it, JC. You got pulled out of the bucket.

Enjoy the rest of your night. Have a nice drive back to Brunswick. Thank you, sirs. There you go, JC, everybody. He's on social media, Gnome Saiyan, all one word. It's actually the name of me and my friend's guitar hero band

from years ago, Gnome Saiyan. That was the name of our band. The mascot was like a lawn gnome. Guitar Hero. We used to have a band. I used to play in a band on Guitar Hero. We would save it and we would beat the game. Anyway.

The Beatles' Guitar Hero is the best. Find out a little bit more about me every episode here. Little tidbits. Like I was in a real band on Guitar Hero. I pulled another name out. Something in my gut tells me this is going to be interesting. Put your hands together for John King.

Let's see what happens here. John King. What song is this? I think that's it. Like a rock. Here that's it. Like a rock Here he is everybody. The great and powerful perhaps John King.

G'day Melbourne. Hey, how good's Melbourne, eh? It's not bad. It's kind of turned me into a bit of a hipster, though. Live in the inner north in Collingwood. Now when I get my prostate checked, it comes out soy or almond. At least it's some type of nut juice, eh? some type of nut juice, eh?

I'm a bit of a tall cunt. It's true. I kind of forget until I rob a 7-Eleven and they've got those little colour charts on the side of the door. I'm like, oh, fuck, I'm up to red. I think that's how guys in Broadmeadows... John King, absolutely. Welcome, welcome.

Like a rock. So, John, let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up? Very first time. Very first time. Very good. Absolutely. I love that in this country, you can call yourself a tall cunt.

And you are. You are a tall cunt. It's weirder when an American guy says it, right? Look at you, you fucking cunt. It's weird, right? We don't get to do that in America. People would be like, oh, you're canceled or something like that. It's almost gay when you say it.

Look at you, you fucking tall cunt. So much fun. Have you guys tried this yet? Try it. Go ahead. Give it a shot. Man, you're a tall cop, man. It's fun.

It's nice to see Jesus Trejo out here. Oh, wow. There you go. Wow, look what it is. It's fine. It's for the podcast listeners. So stupid. So dumb.

Absolutely retarded. So how long was your drive from Footscray here today? Fuck. Man, that's called karma, bro. I love it. So you have interesting ears. Has anyone told you this before? Can you turn your head a little bit more this way?

This way. You all right? You all right? Yep. That ear, am I crazy? Is that ear sort of like out more? You sort of have like this weird sloth thing going on about you, You fucking tall cunt.

Sloths don't have ears, do they? Uh-huh. I wasn't talking about the animal. I was talking about the character from the hit American movie Goonies. You tall cunt. Works every fucking time. I think I'm getting I think I'm building momentum with it.

I think we're starting to get these Australian crowds now. Hell yeah. Absolutely, you fucking stupid-ass magpie bitch. You guys like this, huh? Look at you, you fucking gay-ass drop bear. Look at you. Oh, no. Look at you, you fucking stupid-ass chopper read.

Just Australian references, pal. Heck yeah, you fucking... All right. So, John, what do you do for work? Graphic designer. Graphic design, hell yeah. You have a girlfriend? No.

You have a short cunt? Yeah. Tight cunt, loose cunt, blue cunt, cold cunt, hot cunt. We have some cold cunts. We have some cold cunts in the green room if you're hungry. If you need a sandwich. You have a girlfriend? Wow.

Because you could have a picnic on your t-shirt. Or over shirt. Anyway, you cunt. Wow, it really works. We just figured out the secret to killing in Australia, everybody. What did I do all this stupid research for when I could just call people fucking cunts? Yeah.

God, I can't wait until tomorrow's show. You fucking stupid. All right. No, girlfriend. Hell yeah. So, John, what do you like to do for fun when you're not designing graphics and whatnot? Oh, man. Just normal stuff.

Oh, wow. This is very suspicious. I didn't really like your answer to the do you have a girlfriend, and I didn't like the answer to that one. So it makes me think that your hobbies are slicing up girlfriends. What do I do for fun? Oh, just normal stuff. Yeah. One of his weird ears just starts wiggling.

That's what happens when he lies because he's a fucking cunt. Yeah, you got me. What do you do? You must have some fun hobbies or something like that, right? Yeah, I mean, I just do lettering, sign writing. Lettering?

Yeah. What's lettering? Like writing nice letters. Running out? Writing letters. He writes nice letters, man. Writing letters? Yeah, nice letters. Running out. Writing letters. He writes nice letters, man. Writing letters? Yeah, nice letters. Oh, that's nice.

Like typography or whatever. Yeah, like typography, yeah. Oh, okay, very cool. Oh, that's cool. Are you a graffiti artist? No comment. Allegedly? No comment.

Oh, so that's a big thing here in Melbourne that I was explaining to the guys earlier when we landed from the plane. And we're driving into town and there's fucking there's shit all over their walls everywhere out here because they're a bunch of fucking cunts. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, is that what you meant by lettering is the graffiti? No, but they're not allowed to say if they are graffiti. No, he's talking about typography, you know, like making cursive.

Oh, I thought you wrote nice letters like, Dear Cecilia, it has been a long time since the war. I write to you a very confused man. Yours truly, Cunty Cuntsworth. What's your favorite font? my favorite wingdings you seem like oh my favorite font oh my favorite font is white oh papyrus oh oh interesting i'm an impact guy oh nice you uh you gave a uh you gave a non-committal answer to my question on if you have a girlfriend. Yes. Yeah. Can you explain that?

It's just like a little bit complicated. In what way? It's a little bit open. Oh, interesting. Yeah. It's new age, right? Yeah. It's 2019.

2019. Absolutely. Open for business. For sure. Definitely open for business. Uh-huh. So how open, how long have you two been together? Since the start of the year.

About the start of the year? Yeah. Uh-huh. And how open is it? Like how many different women have you been with this year? Ballpark. Just a ballpark. All right.

Here, rephrase the question How many women have you buried this year? Buried a few, why? How much paint did you spray this year? How many women have you been with this year? Sexually Ballpark What?

Ballpark Ballpark Ballpark, yes Ballpark Not a bull backpark. Ballpark. Ballpark, yes. Ballpark. Not a bowlback. A ballpark, yes. Just a few. Just a few.

That's not a ballpark. That's a pretty big ballpark. Three, four? Yeah, say three, four. Okay. So let me ask you this. What do you and the girlfriend do? Like what makes her sort of like a girlfriend in an open relationship?

Do you guys just have sex or do you guys do like interesting things like cuddle or live together or you guys watch movies together? I don't really get it. Yeah, I guess it's like the intimate parts. It's actually all the good parts of a relationship without the bad bits. Right. So you're friends with benefits. Dear Cecilia, I do not understand why you will not respond to my letters. I have been writing you for three years straight now.

Please respond. P.S. Still questioning my sexuality. Let me ask you this, John. Do you wish it was more? No. No, you like it how it is? Yeah.

Yeah, it's all good bits. Fuck yeah. Fuck me. What? What was that? Fuck me. Oh, okay. Yeah, what's her ethnicity?

Aussie. Aussie. What are you? Aussie and Filipino. Aussie and Filipino. Aussie and Filipino. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Do you speak Tagalog?

No. You fucking cunt. Well, John, we had fun with you. Congratulations. Your first time ever on stage. How do you feel? I feel good. It's my birthday tomorrow.

Wow. Happy birthday, pal I feel good. It's my birthday tomorrow. Wow. Happy birthday, pal. Feeling good. Absolutely. Who says you can't have your cunt and eat it too? No one. No one says that. There you go.

Fit for a king. John King, everybody. Thank you. We're running out of time here, but we haven't had a girl on stage. Should we go through the bucket until we get a girl? I think you mean a cunt. Hey. Let's see what happens here.

Sorry to Luke. Oh, there we go. It only took two tries. The bucket of destiny comes through here. I present to you your final comedian of the evening and your first lovely lady of the night. Put your hands together for Ellen Mahoney. Ellen Mahoney. Ellen Mahoney. Hey, one more time for Ellen Mahoney, everyone.

So, when I was 22, I married a man that was 12 years older than me. And at the time, I put it down to, like, that he was into me because I was just really mature for a 22-year-old. But it turns out, after spending thousands of dollars on a therapist, that I just have daddy issues. So needless to say, that relationship, it didn't work out.

I'm single, I'm on all the dating apps. I was on a date the other day and he told me I looked like a celebrity. And that celebrity was Clint Eastwood. And the really sad thing about this story is that I still fuck that guy. Not Clint Eastwood. The dude that was into him. And look, he was really surprised when I didn't have a dick.

And that was the day that I learnt Grindr's not one of the apps that I should be on. That's me. Thank you. Wow. Look at you wow look at that look at that very very very impressive most of the time and this is

nothing against female comedians but most of the time when we desperately go to the bucket towards the end of the show to find a woman it does not go that well. Good. Very impressive. How long have you been doing stand-up? Since May.

Since May? Yes. The month of May? Heck yeah. That's very incredible. Is that a true story? Yeah. Yeah.

Are you sure he didn't say Cunt Eastwood? No no no He said Clint Eastwood He said when I smile I look like Clint Eastwood Heck yeah You have like Asian eyes for a white girl Yeah real Asian

Are you Asian? No not at all And then she hooked up with him And she showed him Her Clint Eastwood Hey look at that Heck yeah All right, let's check in with Dave. And then she hooked up with him, and she showed him her clitties. Hey, look at that. Heck yeah. And then when he went down on her, she said, get off my lawn.

Right? Are we pretty close about this? No, I didn't let him go down on me. No? You didn't want him to see you're good, you're bad, and you're ugly? No. Hell yeah. So you've been doing stand-up since May.

How do you make money, Ellen? I work as a bartender. A bartender? Yes. Very good. Heck yeah. How long have you been doing that for? Years, like 10 years.

Wow, that's a long time. Yeah. Heck yeah. What's the craziest thing you've ever seen in your time as a bartender? Anything crazy ever happen at your bar? I'm pretty sure i saw a prostitute take someone home the other day uh-huh she claimed she got stood up on a tinder date um but she was very loud about it and then um immediately sat down with this really old rich

guy and started ordering like really expensive drinks and and then they left together. Yeah, that makes sense. That's what hookers do. That is what they fucking do. Yeah. What do you like to do for fun when you're not working or doing stand-up? I have a dog. Oh, you do? What kind of dog do you have?

She's a border collie. A border collie. Very good, mate. Yippity-dippity-dee. What's your dog's name? Ellie. Now, I didn't name her. Who named her?

I had a friend who owned her and he named her, but he needed to rehome her. He needed to rehome her. He had a drug problem. No. There was sheep next door and he was worried she would kill one of the sheep. Oh, yeah. Because he was fucking them? Yeah.

No. Wow. Yeah. That's incredible. Was it hard when you started doing this alone, since you're used to having Kermit with you all the time? Jobber. this alone since you're used to having Kermit with you all the time? Jolberg, why would you do that? Oh, my God.

Jol, wow, this crowd wants blood here tonight, huh? I'm just being a cunt, I'm sorry. That's what you guys are into? Oh, Jolberg. Yes, I'm calling you Miss Piggy. You're a jack. Oh, my goodness. You're a fucking jack.

I think you mean a cunt. He's just kidding around. He's kidding around. She's laughing. You have a good sense. No, she's like, well, I thought about if I should say that or not

and I just, evil overtook me. Absolutely. I mean, you can get away with it. You guys have the same barber, clearly. No way. Mine looks way better same barber, clearly. No way. Mine looks way better than that.

I don't know. I don't know. Who's your barber? Jim Henson? That's better than Clint Eastwood. You fucked the guy with the Clint Eastwood. You should take Miss Piggy over that, right? Yeah, okay, sure.

Miss Piggy's sort of hot. If I would have taken you on a date and told you you look like a celebrity, I would say you look like Renell Zedwiger with Down Syndrome. Yep. That's true.

Because I'm a romantic! Hell yeah! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! That's for you fuckos.

All day, every day. For the audio listeners, he's wearing Trump socks. Oh, wow. It was just for the audience? But okay, now I guess hundreds of thousands of people know that I'm a Trump supporter. Just kidding. Just kidding. Can't shadow ban me twice.

But we don't know. So tell us something else about you, Ellen. You hook up with a lot of guys. You seem like you're sexually active. You're an Australian girl. Yeah. The short answer is yes. What's one of the wildest things you've ever done uh sexually um i you've been with multiple men at once correct well no my boyfriend broke up with

me and then the next day i slid into the dm of a celebrity and i had sex with him all weekend wow okay well here's the billion dollar question. Who's that celebrity? Rocky. I mean, okay. Wait a second. The comedian? Yeah.

Okay. Let's just move along. Let's move on. We didn't realize you were going to attack our own kind. Yeah. My goodness. Yikes. Wow.

I guess it's true what they say about black guys. They like thick white girls. Heck yeah. Wow. I guess it's true what they say about black guys. They like thick white girls. Heck yeah. My goodness. Wow. You know this is a podcast, right? Well, that's fun. He was in town doing shows.

Yeah, he was here for Comedy Festival. Fuck yeah. I like how she said all weekend. Well, we hooked up on Saturday and Sunday. It's Saturday night. Fucking counts. With Clint Eastwood

and Miss Piggy. Hell yeah. Did he give you the Miss Piggy treatment? Did he put his hand inside of you like that? Hello. Oh, Miss Piggy.

Oh, you're not. Oh, stop. Yeah, but I sounded happier. Oh, God damn. Hey, look at you. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. How long have you been able to do a Miss Piggy impression? How would I not know about this? You know, when the devil gets inside of you, you're capable of everything. Wow, that is very impressive. I was not expecting that answer.

I was expecting you to name some Australian celebrity. Car salesman. Arch Barker or something like that. I didn't think you were going to name an Australian celebrity. Car salesman. Arch Barker or something like that. You know what I mean? I didn't think you were going to name an American comedian. That we see all the time. Yeah, he's a good buddy of ours.

Yeah. Really awkward. Exactly. Maybe we could put a little beep over that. Yeah. All right. You should put a beep over it because you already said the SNL stuff.

Yeah, well, I mean... Figure it out. People may think that... All right. We'll put a beep over it because you already said the SNL stuff. Yeah, well, I mean. Figure it out. People may think that, all right. Yeah, maybe you can put a beep over it. What? Put a beep over it. Yeah. Probably the right idea.

Heck yeah. Put a beep. All the single ladies. This is great. I can't deal with it. I cannot deal with it. Stop playing the SNL music. Jeremiah, stop playing the sax so well. Oh, my God.

Wow. So all weekend long, huh? It started on a Saturday and then Sunday. Yeah. Yeah. All right. How about other than that? Anything else?

Anything else? Any other fun sex stories? You seem like the kind of girl that's put on a latex mask once or twice. You know what I mean? The old red ball in your mouth. What would that sound like? Her with a ball gag in her mouth.

One time Kermit gave me the sperm. What is that noise you keep doing? Karate chops? Why is she doing karate? She gets mad at Kermit, she karate chops him. Oh, is that what she does? Oh, stop it. Is that what she does?

Oh, stop it. It's still more intelligible than most of the comics we've had tonight. Yes, exactly. Absolutely. Are you a squirter? Okay, no, no, no. You don't have to answer that. Let's do it all together.

One, two, three. Trash can. That was three. Trash can. That was beautiful. Trash can. Come on. No. This Miss Piggy thing might be my favorite thing of all time. Stop it. Ellen, I'm going to tell you something, man.

You've gotten a lot of heat up here tonight, but I will tell you, for starting in May, absolutely amazing set, especially for being an Australian. Yeah. And you represented the ladies very well tonight, so congratulations. Thank you.

Ellen Mahoney. She's on social media, Ellen Mahoney. She's on social media. Ellen Mahoney underscore. Saying a lot. You guys think we should do it one more, huh? But this is it. We could have gotten out of here right then on this fun Miss Piggy thing

and we all would have been happy because that's a full episode. Are you sure we should do one more? It doesn't always end well. It could just be another fucking chubby Australian guy with a thick accent doing his first time, but fucking let's do it.

Kermit D. Frog. All right. Very nicely done. I'm looking deep in here in this fucking bucket. All right, let's see what happens here. Your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Mark Borg. Mark Borg.

Here comes Mark Borg, everybody. Holy shit. One more time for your final comedian of the night, Mark Borg. How you doing? I'm Mark, and I'm so tuned out of society that I don't even know who our prime minister is. I don't think it really matters who or which politician is lying to us. I mean, I think we're their boss and they're lying to us. As their boss, I think we could come up with a new rule for politicians. Each time they lie to us,

they should lose a finger. That means they get seven chances to clean up their act. Well, I gave you what you want. Someone who bombed. That's it? That's all you got? Get off this stage. Put the mic back in the mic stand.

You did nothing. You did nothing. Get out of here. There you go. That guy's so skinny. That guy's so skinny, he looks like he's dying of Adelaide. Hi. Yeah, I guess so. Got beat by Miss P. You guys want to go back one more? All right. Yeah, I guess so. Got beat by Miss P.

You guys want to go back one more? You guys want to go back seven more times? Some fresh popcorn available for $5 right now. Pulled a name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Ian Howlett. Ian Howlett. Oh, here he is right here. Coming right from the railway.

Here he is one more time, Ian Howlett. Thanks. I'm a parent of two kids, and most parents think their kids are special. I'm pretty sure at least one of mine is, because he goes to school with special in the name. because he goes to school with special in the name. Shout out to Latrobe Special Developmental School.

And judging from some of the artwork he brings home, it really is LSD school. He's autistic, by the way, so it's not the kind you can tell from a photograph. LAUGHTER In fact... LAUGHTER Yeah, in fact, the school actually used a photo of him in one of their publicity ads for a fundraiser in the newspaper.

It was as if to say, our students don't all look like what you're picturing. Wow. Ian Hallett. That's a way to do it. Right there. That is how you do it. That is how you do it.

You talked about your life, your situation, stuff that only you can talk about, self-deprecating humor, the complete opposite of the guy before you talking bullshit about politics that don't affect him in any way. You see the difference there? How long have you been doing stand-up?

I think today's like five years, but I've only done like 20 gigs. You know what? You should ask your autistic son how long you've been doing stand-up. I bet he knows the exact day you started. Approximately three months, six days, 42 hours, and 37 seconds. Hell yeah. Wow.

So how old is that autistic cunt? Hey. I am 867 days, 42 seconds, 1.675 gigawatts old, Tony. He's seven. He's seven. That's awesome. How old's your other kid? How old's the other kid? Three.

Seven and three. Heck yeah. But how old until you... What age are they when you find out they're autistic? Just when they're toddlers, like, you start to... They can read before they're really speaking. That's sort of a sign. Oh, wow.

Obsessed with, like, spinning things sort of a sign. Oh, wow. Obsessed with spinning things or cars or whatever. Cars? Was the second thing you said cars? Yeah, cars. Hot wheels? Any kind of car. What was the first thing? Spinny things, you said?

Fans, he loves wheels and that's where the love of cars comes from. Did you say autistic or autotistic? What are you talking about? That's interesting. Don't a lot of kids like cars though? Yeah, I mean, I loved spinny things in cars as a kid.

He had obsessions like the light switches, wasn't making much eye contact or speaking. Sounds like me. Heck yeah. That's where we find out Brian has autism. No way, man. eye contact or speaking. Sounds like me. Heck yeah. That's where we find out Brian has autism. No way, man. He's not smart enough for that.

Yeah, exactly. Hey! Absolutely. Do you ever like to talk through a fan and act like you're a Darth Vader? Oh my god. Hey ya! Wow. So Ian Ian that is so interesting you're still with the baby

mama right we're still living together but we're separated in terms of relationship what about was that word before relationship we were together but now we're not together romantically but I still live

with her and the kids. Oh, okay. How long have you guys not been together romantically? Is that a newer development? Two and a bit years, but I moved out for a while, moved back in because I couldn't afford... They broke up 467 days, 22 minutes, 47 seconds ago. Sure, Dave?

Do you have a sister? I got two. Well, you got two options, man. So, Dave, when it ended romantically, you moved back in. What do you do for work? I just started work at a cheese factory. At what? Sears factory? A cheese factory.

Cheese factory. Yeah. What the hell? Hell yeah. Dreams really do come true. There are 800 different types of cheeses. All over the world from different regions. Wow.

They have different flavors, different sizes, different shapes. All right, all right. What do you do at the, what do you do at the cheese factory? Other than, you look like you cut it

quite often. I do. Oh, Red Band Can I just say This looks like the saddest day of this man's life No, he's having a blast No, you were very funny That was great You have a cool shirt

Yeah, you're killing it You have my current song We cannot stress enough how great that set was That was incredible Thanks Hell yeah Yeah, it's my outlet. Yeah, no.

And you've been up twice tonight. You won the golden ticket earlier and now here you are just fucking here you are two great sets in a night. That's the first time that's happened on Kill Tony. I lost weight but it was vertical so I tried. Hell yeah. So

in the two years that you haven't been romantically involved with your wife, have you been romantically involved with other people? No. Not at all? Have you kissed a girl other than... No, I haven't kissed a girl. Well, you know what? Why don't we end the episode with something fun, huh? Can I get...

You think I can get a woman up here to give this guy... When's the last time you kissed someone other than your wife? How long do you think it's been? Eight years? 47? Ten years. Ten years?

North of that, yeah. North of that? It's been ten years since this guy kissed someone other than his wife. Is there a woman out in the audience that would be willing to end this episode with a fucking bang? Can I get a real Kill Tony fan up here? Give this guy a big fucking kiss on the lips. episode with a fucking bang. Can I get a real Kill Tony fan up here? Give this guy a big fucking kiss on the lips. I know there's got to be a bad bitch out there. Just walk up here.

Walk up here. That fucking gets it. That's willing to. Yeah. That right here. Fuck yeah. Right fucking there, buddy. And that is Kale Tony Melbourne.

There he goes. Ian Howlett, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable performance. Is there anything else you'd like to say or thank or do? This has been a dream come true. Both things, yeah. You're goddamn right. Look at the smile on his face now.

Ian Howlett, everybody. Abso-fucking-lutely, pal. He's on social media. M.A.V. underscore I-A-N. Ian Howlett. Wow. What a fucking banger that was. Shout out to that bad motherfucker right there. Hell yeah.

The crowd goes wild for you. That's just being a team player right there. That's a Kill Tony MVP. We have something special for you after the show. If you stick around, we're going to be doing a meet and greet. We have posters available. Ryan J.E. Bell prints a few Kill Tony pins, a couple Tony Hinchcliffe pins. I have ten fingers.

There you go. There's some – what do you got, Jeremiah? You have some fun stuff going on out there, right? Yeah, I got some Jeremiah Wonder shirts, and the band has a calendar out there that we brought. Yep, yep, absolutely. And Jeremiah is headlining Huntington Beach, St. Louis, Kansas City, Chicago, Zanies in Rosemont, and San Diego. That's all coming up. Go to JeremiahWalkins.com.

Jeremiah also has, I believe, a few big gay calendars, right? Yeah, a lot of big gay calendars. A lot of big gay calendars left. How about one more time for the great Jeremiah Walkins, huh? Hey, Melvin, make some noise for Instagram. Sydney tomorrow night's already sold out. We got D.C. and New York

City in November. Storkade, the wrestling event at the Comedy Store. And Kill Tony, Columbus, Pittsburgh, Cleveland coming up in December. Don't forget about it. How about another hand for the great, the one and only, still the drummer of Kilhtony, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.

He's officially sponsored by Ludwig Artists. If you haven't gone to the official artist site, if you haven't gone to ludwig.com and looked at their artist list and looked at all the elite drummers and scrolled down and see Joel right in the middle of this shit

and all these other drummers, Pantera, ACDC, Korn. John Bonham, Ringo Starr. And then it says the Kill Tony Band. Joel Jimenez. It's unbelievable. Such an honor and you're absolutely hilarious this is his first time in Australia he's at Mostly Sorry on social

media make sure you follow him show him some love there he is yeah I love you guys thanks so much and another guy who's first time it is in Melbourne, the one and only podfather, Brian Redband, everybody. How about that, huh? Thanks a lot, guys.

We love you guys. Thank you so much. We finally made it here, and we felt very welcome. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night.この世の内側は 明日の日かたまって かたまって なら

君と肩を抱き なら 肩を抱き you Thank you.