KILL TONY - KILL TONY #409

Episode Date: November 1, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 10/27/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and it's almost sold out. November 10th, we'll be at the Gramercy Theater in New York. December 12th, we'll be in Columbus, Ohio at the Newport Music Hall. December 14th, we'll be in Pittsburgh at the Rex Theater. December 12th will be in Columbus, Ohio at the Newport Music Hall. December 14th will be in Pittsburgh at the Rex Theater. December 15th will be in Cleveland at the House of Blues.

Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates. ShopSquad.TV that's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. There you have the new Kill Tony shirt. You also have some hats, some Death Squad shirts and a bunch bunch of stuff. That's shopsquad.tv. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have his own stand-up comedy tour dates, some merchandise.

Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. And last but not least, Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist. He has a new Kill Tony book. It's on Amazon or ryanjebelt.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Greg, coming to you live from the world-famous Sydney, Australia, for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. It's clear. Sydney, this is it.

Last stop on our Australian tour. You guys ready to make some fucking noise? Fuck yeah. Brian Redbans here, everybody. Hey, everybody. And here we go. What a run of shows we've had here in Australia. It's been absolute chaos. Here comes another fucking late Bogan stumbling in.

You fucking sloppy animals down on that. We're excited to be here. Put a big ribbon on this fucking amazing three-night super stretch. Brisbane and Melbourne were hot, fucking unbelievable shows, but I think you guys can outdo them, right? Sounds a little shaky to me I guess we'll see as the show goes on the tour never ends though the rest of the year we have DC

including some stand up shows there Columbus Ohio Pittsburgh Pennsylvania and Cleveland Ohio Ryan J Ebelt has made some amazing Australian posters that we only have a few left of. Those will be available right after the show. We're going to meet and greet you and shake your dirty fucking Australian hands.

You can get pictures if you want. There's some Keltoni pins still available. Some other fun things. The Big Gay calendar from the band is available. If you guys like Big Gay paper calendars, those are for sale. You don't have a calendar on your phone or anything. It's actually for the year

2020, shockingly enough. You would think it'd be for the year 1974 having a paper calendar, but no, they are for next year. You can bet I will never use that calendar, and I like betting a lot. That's why I

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Visit MyBookie.ag today. You play, you win, you get paid. What do you think? There we go. There's big speakers here. You can really have some fun here. There you go, Brian. It's a big venue here.

So let's get this party started, shall we? You guys ready to start tonight's episode? Drink delicious caveman coffee. You can have it delivered here. We don't have guests on these road episodes. However, believe it, I don't think you're going to believe this, Australia. I waited a long time to bring Kill Tony here. We've been doing this show six and a half years,

and we made sure that when we did it, we were going to do it right. So I want to let you know, there is a band here, everyone. A couple of my funniest friends on the planet. I don't think anyone makes me laugh quite as hard As these guys do Every single episode of this show They commit to being different characters We never know what they're going to be

They had a separate dressing room They've been getting ready They've been practicing So let's all find out what they are together Maybe it's the return of some of their famous characters That we've seen before Maybe it's brand new characters that we've never seen before Let's find out all together What they are here for Sydney, Australia It's the best damn band in the land some of their famous characters that we've seen before. Maybe it's brand new characters that we've never seen before.

Let's find out all together what they are here for Sydney, Australia. It's the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Oh. Oh! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Wow! Feminist Stacey made it to Sydney, Australia!

Oh my goodness. It's been a long time since we've seen you. We know this must be a big show. It seems like you only make it out to the biggest shows, Feminist Stacey. How you doing today? I'm angry. What's wrong, Feminist Stacey? Equal opportunities are not there yet. What do you mean? Half the stage is women up here so far.

Whoa. My God, you sound like a wallaby. I don't know if they make that sound. I really still haven't really figured out exactly what a wallaby is. I'm going to be honest with you. Feminist. Yeah, go ahead. No. Okay.

What do you think? How'd you get here? You flew here? I huffed and I puffed. And I hovered across the seven seas to get here. You guys are lucky. The great feminist Stacey, probably the number one BCS-ranked character

in the show's history. And then clearly back here, we have a... We have what appears to be an aboriginal Smurf that made its way into Sydney. What is your name again? It's Macy, Tony. It's Macy, that's right.

How could I forget Stacey and Macy. Macy, how was your trip here? Oh, it was good. Now that I've been in Australia, I've realized men are trash everywhere. Oh, wow. Good lord. You guys are both very flat-chested women. Oh, I'm sorry. Do women have to have large mammary glands, Anthony? Whoa, no one's ever called me Anthony on this show before. Get ready. Oh, my God.

Oh, Feminist Stacy. Wow. You guys couldn't be any luckier than this. We got the feminists are here. Brian Soundboard, which brings me to this. Remember the Australian comedian that, by law, we had to have on to the show tonight? You have to pay an Australian comedian. It's your dumb laws, everyone.

Shocker, shocker it wasn't an Australian woman. Yeah, well, I mean, we have to be able to pay the performer. We can't just have people that work for free up here. Anyway, by law we had to have him perform. That's why we put a 15-minute gap in between him and the show. So you forget all about it. We'll start from scratch. But we are going to use his ultra-Australian hat as the bucket of destiny for tonight. This is Sean's hat of destiny.

You guys know how this show works. A bunch of people signed up before the show. Maybe it's someone's first time doing stand-up Maybe they're a local veteran hero That wants to just have a big breakout episode Of the show We had our 7th ever golden ticket winner Last night in Melbourne Which is very rare, very hard to do

So congratulations to Liam Out in Melbourne So Australia representing To have one golden ticket winner in three shows is pretty incredible. So congratulations to you. If I pull your name out of the hat, that means you get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry Oxford kangaroo. Okay. All right. Sounds a lot like feminist Stacy.

It does. Wow. And then we interview you after your 60 seconds is up, find out more about you, your life, what makes you different. All right, Stacy, stop looking at me like that. Very scary. You guys ready to start this show or what? Here we fucking go.

And like that, it has begun there's only one stairway one way to get up here and it's right down the middle it's very easy people don't overthink it don't let the fucking cocaine eat at your skull it just let it fucking happen you wacky australians and that, the show will begin with the comedy stylings hopefully of Chris Nguyen. Chris N-G-U-Y-E-N. It has begun. Chris Nguyen. Here he is, everybody. Getting it started.

Hey guys, isn't it weird when you're watching something with your parents and then a sex scene comes on? Like, the other day we were watching Backdoor Anal Whores and boy was I embarrassed, guys. I really didn't know what to do. I just pulled up my pants and then I came to this show. Guys, so I was on Instagram, right? And I see this picture of a beautiful sunset. And there was

this inspirational quote that read, live every day like it's your last. I mean, that's terrible advice, don't you guys think? Like, why would I want to spend every day alone in a hotel room with a gun in my mouth? I mean, that makes absolutely no sense at all, am I right? Like, if anything, you should be living every day like it's your first. Crying naked and just having ruined a vagina. So, what can you do? There you go, Chris Wynn. Absolutely doodly.

You did it. Heck yeah. Look at you. You look like a very interesting mix here. It's what we would think. Back where we're from, that would be Asian-Mexican. But I don't know. What are you?

Filipino? Actually, I'm Vietnamese. Vietnamese? We've had a little history with you, haven't we, us Americans? You guys never fucking give up. Sent us back with our little fucking kangaroo tail between our legs. You fucking little swamp creatures. You just shoot them right in the head.

They just stay alive. They just keep fucking firing. A hundred% Vietnamese? Yeah, 100%. From what I know, yeah. Heck yeah. You never did like a 21 in me or whatever that is? No, I couldn't afford it.

Oh, wow. There you go. Maybe you are Vietnamese after all. Heck yeah. How does a Vietnamese guy end up down here? How do you end up in Australia? Just the war, you know. What war?

The Vietnam War? We call it Vietnam. We call that war. I don't know what you call it here. We just call it the war. The war, yeah. We have so many, you have to specify for us. Vietnam's really considered the war. We have so many, you have to specify for us. Yeah. Vietnam's really considered the war.

We don't talk about that often. Weird loss. It's like when a soccer team is a huge favorite and takes a weird one-nothing loss on the road. That's what we consider the Vietnam War. Okay. Any of your parents or grandparents fight in it? Yeah, my dad was in the war. Your dad was in the war?

Yeah. Did he take any injuries? Yeah, he killed some people. He killed American people? Yeah. How many of you want to beat the shit out of this guy right now, huh? No, he was on the right side. He was on the right side? Yeah. He was on the American

side? Yeah. Oh, okay. Cool. Very good. That's good to know. What does he do now? He's retired. Good. Yeah. Good. No reason for him to continue fighting. Yeah, he's not doing that anymore.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Just around three years. Three years. It's awesome. Great performance here. Thank you. Really impressive. Very funny. Thanks, guys.

Also, very smart jokes, which we haven't seen a lot of this weekend down here. I'm going to be honest with you. We've seen some funny comedians, but nobody actually impressive with their brains. You know what I mean? Not really. That's really cool. What do you do for work? I work as a writer.

Oh, you're a writer. What are you writing? Like emails, copywriting. Wow. Writing emails. I guess that makes us all writers, huh? Just a room full of writers here. Yes, I'm a writer too.

I specialize in text messages. Oh, man. You roast me, Tony. No, I won't. Last time an American underestimated a Vietnamese, we got our again. Really, it didn't work out well for us at all. What do you like to do for fun, Chris?

You know, comedy. Other than comedy. Come on, there must be something. You guys are real good at stuff. You catch flies with chopsticks or something like that. Yeah, all the stereotypical stuff. Do you write anything long form, like Instagram captions or anything like that? No, just haikus and stuff.

Suicide letters? What's that? How about hobbies or anything like that? Yeah, I box. You box? Yeah. Really? Can you maybe, would you guys like to see him shadow box a little bit here?

Chris, throw that mic Chris, throw that mic in the mic stand real quick He pulls out one of those Chinese takeout boxes This is what I mean You want to, Stacey? How many of you want to see Chris and Feminist Stacey have a little shadow boxing match? Or I mean,

what is it? You want to slap box this guy? Yeah, because I'm a woman. Wow. Alright. You want to have a little slap boxing match with Feminist Stacey? He's coming off a the man behind the brains behind Feminist Stacey just got done with a slap boxing match with

Louis J. Gomez. Let's have some Wow. I can't believe what's about to happen here. All right. Now, here's the deal. I won a nice, clean slap boxing match. This is a woman, all right? So this is a little unfair because you're just a Vietnamese boy, and I have this American woman way out in the lead on this. As you can tell, she has amazing techs. All right. You do know what slap boxing is, right?

I hope. Okay. Well, yeah, let's just see what happens here. How long have you been boxing for? Like six, seven years. Six or seven years, Stacey. Stacey has had one, what appeared to be a,

it fit in an Instagram, so I'm guessing it was about a minute and a half slap boxing match. That's your entire history. One minute, 60 seconds. How do you feel about this fight going into it? I am woman. Hear me roar.

We're about to see Jeremiah get the shit slapped out of him, people. We're starting the show. And fight. This is how you kick off a show in Sydney, Australia. Oh, my God. Stacey almost landed one. This is getting scary

Whoa This is crazy This show Has never been dumber Than it is right now Whoa Whoa Stacey you got

Did you guys land anything? You just hit the shoulder. Stacey's saying you just hit her shoulder. Stacey, come on, step in a little bit. Take a shot at him. Stacey using some type of... Stacey's using... Oh, all right.

All right, that's enough. Whoa, Stacy, no, no, no. No, that's it. I'm calling it. That bitch got my nose. That was it. That's not fair. He only got nose.

That was 60 seconds. Stacy. Wow. Stacy took a good slap to the nose. It's getting bigger already. Yeah, we can see it swelling. Wow, just like Red Band's stomach. No, not really.

That's way bigger. All right, all right. You guys settle down over here. That was very good, Chris. I will fight a paraplegic. All right, Stacy, you've got to relax a little bit. You took a little L here. It's okay.

I'm sorry. That nose is begging for it at all times. It's just a real, it's a big target. It is. Chris, how do you feel? You had a great setup here. You just beat a woman in slap boxing. It's just another Sunday night.

Another Sunday night. How about a hand for Chris Wynn, everybody? That's a way to get a fucking show started. Huh? That was awesome. That's a way to start a show. How about another hand? She's checking for nosebleeds.

How about another hand for feminist St Stacy, everybody? She's with us. That was her idea. I was just going to have them shadow box, but she gave me the old slapbox signal. Very good. You're a real team player, Stacy. You work well with men.

I'm an equal opportunist. Heck yeah. Look at that little red nose, huh? Julia Little. Little? Look at that. This episode is brought to you by Starbucks. Welcome back winter with a Starbucks drink in hand.

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The Happy Stack, only at CUDO. Conditions apply. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian, Charlie McCann. Charlie McCann. Here we fucking go. We are live from Sydney, Australia. Hell yeah, this is a real Australian right here. Look at this guy, Charlie McCann.

Thanks so much. Thanks so much, guys. I'm a big Harry Potter fan. Where are my Potter heads at? Guys, can I make some noise? I think the big reason I really got into Harry Potter is I really identified with him as a kid growing up. I think we had a pretty similar upbringing. I didn't have any magical powers or anything, but Ralph Fiennes did murder both my parents. Did not use one of his fun spells like in the movies. No Cruciatus curse this time. Just a regular meat cleaver. Yeah, it's going to get a little darker, so I'm sorry. You guys can either come with me or stay in your little humdrum existence. I remember my brother came up to me afterwards and was like, did the guy from Made in Manhattan just kill dad?

So, you know, it's more confusing than anything. But I heard recently there's apparently one in six people are murdered. Oh, there you go. Do you want to finish it? Do you want to finish it? Oh, man. One in six people are murdered? Yeah. One is, let's, yeah, you know, it's a real, you know.

You know. Let's open some eyes. You know. Let's open some eyes. So, yeah, apparently, you know, that's a real statistic I learned from the game Cluedo. So, you know. There's a mic. So, you know, that's the game.

Okay, there you go. All right, I guess that was the end. No, there's a mic. Oh, yeah, Charlie McCann. We did it. Welcome, welcome, Charlie. Keep that mic, Stan. I'm going to talk with you for a second.

Just keep that mic next to your mouth. I'll get Gene Hollow out of the way. Gene Hollow, wow. All right. I still have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, Charlie. I love the bouncy thing you do with your head after you talk. Oh, yeah. Well, I don't know. Oh, you know.

I'm very drunk. Gene Hollow? It's like Kramer from Seinfeld. Wow. There you go. I guess he looks like Kramer from Seinfeld. Wow. There you go. I guess he looks like Kramer from Seinfeld. Oh, no. Seems like Brian might need to see an eye doctor when we get back.

No, no, no. How he acts. Like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You use the N-word a lot? Yeah. Oh, there you go. Yeah.

Hell, yeah. So, Charlie, I didn't really grasp what you were saying. Did your parents get murdered? No, not really. No, not really. It's just a joke. It's one of the saddest jokes I've ever heard. Knock, knock, who's there?

My parents got murdered. Hey! I like your style, though. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like four years. All of it here in Sydney? Yeah. What do you do for a living? I'm a student.

What are you studying? Education. What do you do for a living? I'm a student, right. What are you studying? Education. Oh, what do you want to do with that? Who are you going to teach? Are you going to teach at Hogwarts? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Teaching cunnilingus at Hogwarts. Is that true? Are you good at pleasuring a woman? I'm incredible at it. Really? Well, well, well. Another challenge presents itself.

There you go. Yes, ma'am. All right. All right. Are there any special tricks you do? Oh, my God. Stacy, stop fingering yourself

with that look on your face. My God. Someone's trying to get citizenship. Okay. You have any special tricks that you do when you're going down on a woman? You ever do the old bin chicken

or something like that? Yeah. Yeah. It's just a lot of alphabet gear, you know. Yeah? I don't know what. You eat it like a Porto sandwich? It's not a sandwich, is it? Just go all down down on that fucking hungry Jack. You know what I'm saying? Yeah What do you do you have any special tricks? Is it true your tongue goes the other direction? Yeah, that's yeah, that's yeah, yeah by um ever since we moved here

That was ever since you moved here. It was yep. It would go the other way and then I Ever since we moved here, it was... Ever since you moved here, it was yup. It would go the other way and then... Where'd you move here from? From Canada. Oh, you're originally Canadian. Yeah, Canadian. Oh, okay.

Heck yeah. What made you move to Australia? Just, you know, my parents did it and I had very little say. Right. I was like... It's like seven years old. What made your parents move here? It's up to them.

I think just fucking, you know, it's the land of opportunities. Wait a second. Is that what they told you? I think, yeah. Sweetheart, we're moving you to a land of opportunity. We're just going to fly over this place called the United States of America to get there. It's a true land of opportunity if you want to be a fucking kangaroo trainer.

Was there any crime committed? Do you think maybe your parents did something to... I don't know. I didn't know them that well, but I... What do you mean you didn't know them that well? Well, I don't know. They're very secretive. Oh.

Are they alive? Yeah, I think they are alive. I can't quite get a grasp of what you're... I get the feeling you may have murdered your parents, Charlie. It was Ray Fines, I swear to... That is incredible. Why does it look like his parents are two shih tzu dogs? So, Charlie, what else do you do?

What's something about you that we'd be surprised to know? Any fun facts about you? You good at anything? I'm pretty good at chess. That's probably the only, you know. Chess? Wow, chess and pussy eating. Sign me up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. Let's do it, man. Oh, wow. Oh, my. Come on. Let's do it, man. Wow. Oh, my goodness gracious. Woman. Wow. My God.

You do chess competitively? I used to, yeah. I was pretty good. Wow. I think these feminists are into white knights, so it's a really smart chess reference. It was worth the 15 laughs I got out of it. Charlie, what's your love life like? You got a girlfriend or a victim

or what do we call her? No. No, I have a lovely girlfriend. You don't have a girlfriend? When's the last time you had a girlfriend? No, I do have a girlfriend. Oh, you do have a girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I have a lovely, I have a beautiful girlfriend. How long have you been with her? Three years. Three years. Where'd you meet her at? It was on... Huh? It was online.

It was online? What website? It was on Tinder. It was on Tinder. And then what happened? So you're talking or you're all like, hey, what's up? It's me.

I'm Charlie McCann. You want to play chess or get your pussy eaten? And then what happened? Yeah, that's pretty much my gambit. So you met her. And what does she do? She is just starting her master's in film producing.

Master's in film. Let's check in with feminists. Now when you go down on her and she finally orgasms, you go, check mate. Oh yeah. You look like an adolescent Super Mario. That is true. You look like if... That is true.

They warned me about you, Yanks. I'm taking the drubbing of a lifetime. All right. You do drugs at all? You seem like you might dabble in a little bit of it. A little bit of

absolutely everything. Sure. Man. Vanessa Amorosi. What? Is that... What are you doing in Australia?

What are you doing? Oh, no. Imaginary magic wand that you're waving in front of me. You got to do something with the, you know... I guess so. Very jittery. All right. Yeah, thanks so much front of me. You got to do something with the, you know, very jittery.

Alright. Thanks so much for having me. Oh, geez. Alright, Charlie. Oh, my God. No, fair enough. Alright. Lovely. It's lovely. Very good, Charlie. Great stuff, pal. Way to get it done. Charlie

McCann, everybody. Let's keep flying through it. It was the great Jay-Z that once said the words. On to the next one. He's one of the few people that actually acts like a comic. You can just tell that guy's going to be a comedian. I guess so.

I don't know. He seems like a real goofball to me. He seems like an eternal open miker or something like that. Alright, pulled another name out. Let's make some noise for Tom Armstrong. Tom Armstrong. Hey, hey!

Tom Armstrong. Did Michael Jackson moonwalk out of the room after he fucked those kids? I'd like to think he did. I could never quite do it. Fuck kids. Their sad faces really turned me off. Do you reckon his ghost is black or white? I guess it doesn't matter. I've never been with an elderly woman sexually, but I have stayed in the bathtub a little bit

too long and then proceeded to masturbate. And I'd like to think that it feels similar. If Harvey Weinstein was a fish, he'd be a groper. Nipple rings are pretty cool. They're like tiny door knockers for titties. Knockers for your knockers. Imagine if a Mormon went to a music festival these days. He'd be a busy little boy. Knock, knock, can I tell you about God? Wowee. That's about all I got. That's close to a minute. Exactly a minute. Very good.

Tom Armstrong. He's got a good internal clock. The chandelier. From the chandelier. Tom Armstrong. Welcome, welcome. Thank you so much. Welcome to Australia.

Absolutely. Good to be here. It's my fifth time here, you fuck Anyway, it's really good stuff, good one-liners you got there Little quick fucking heavy hitters there So how long have you been doing stand-up? Two months Two months, wow, very impressive, man You have a good internal clock for only doing it two months.

You knew right when a minute was and all that. I practiced. Yeah, you did? Just for you. Yeah, who'd you practice on? Your barber? Yes. Looks like he was having quite a laugh.

So, Tom, what you been doing with your life? how old are you i'm 30 30 30 mate yeah what do you do for work i'm a youtuber and a podcaster really a youtuber and a podcaster what uh what are you specializing what are your shows about uh sketch comedy mainly and the podcast is just um current events with another comedian and we just talk about stuff. Yeah. Australian stuff or world stuff? Anything, like just weird, people sending weird stories, we tend to do that. Or if something's topical and funny,

nothing too deep. Right, right, right. What do you do when you're not working on comedy stuff or YouTube and podcasts? Seem like the kind of guy that likes to go out and fucking ride a turtle or something like that. You ever sit on a turtle, see where it takes you? I like where your head's at.

I would ride a turtle. But they'd have to be one of those Galapagos. Are they Galapagos? Sure. What do you do for fun when you're not doing comedy stuff? I fuck turtles. No, I like to drink. You what?

You like to drink? I like to drink. I like to travel. I saw you guys in LA. Oh, you did? You went to the comedy store. Yeah, it was really good. Yeah, of course it was.

We're the number one live podcast in the world. What else did you do when you were in LA? Where else have you traveled to? Anything fun? I was staying in Hollywood and it was pretty sketch. Someone got shot around the corner. That was pretty scary. Yeah, scary for you.

Yeah. We're used to that shit. One of us may have been the shooter. We're not used to that. I like it. You have a brontosaurus on your shirt. Is that correct? Is that the right type of dinosaur?

That's right. You only eat vegetables? No. No, I'm a meat eater. Yeah. More of a Tyrannosaurus Rex myself. Wow. But I appreciate the Brontosaurus. Uh-huh.

Very good. Wow. Feminist Stacy. Heck yeah. That's beautiful. Wow. Look at that. Very impressive. Very impressive. Very impressive. Tell us something about you that's fucking exciting.

Tom, there must be something in your life that makes you less of a basic bitch than what you seem to be. I'm pretty basic, let's be honest. Something interesting. Nothing. Nothing springs to mind, mate. Yeah. What's your love life like? I've got a girlfriend. She's here in the crowd somewhere. Yeah. What's your love life like? Got a girlfriend.

She's here in the crowd somewhere. Yeah. What does she do? That wasn't her. That was a man. Uh-huh. Just clearing that up. What does your girlfriend do?

She's also a YouTuber. Oh, a YouTuber. Wow. We met at a YouTube convention. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Pretty cool. Are you pretty popular on YouTube?

It's all right. Like 115,000 subs. Oh, that's great. And 200,000 on Facebook. Is your girlfriend more popular than you on YouTube? It's alright, like 115,000 subs. Oh, that's great. 200,000 on Facebook. Is your girlfriend more popular than you on YouTube? No. Wow. What does she do on YouTube?

Like beauty and fashion. Wow. Way to be a stereotype for women. Yeah. Seems like if anyone knows beauty, it's like a girl that would hook up with you, right? So were you guys both on YouTube when you met? Yeah, it was at a YouTube convention in Melbourne. Oh, my God.

A YouTube convention. It's what happens if I murder someone and die. That's just hell. I mean, that is just... It wasn't great, to be honest. Those YouTube things are very interesting, though. You see some characters. Yeah.

Were there just a bunch of people outside the YouTube convention just commenting on it the entire time? It was like, fuck you, pig. I'd fuck this dude's girlfriend in Osaka. Your love is never going to last. How long did it take for you to smash her like button? Oh. Yeah. Hello. She held out. She did alright. Pretty easy.

YouTube girls are pretty easy. You think so? I think so, yeah. How fast did she put out? He knows so. How fast did she put out? First date? Well, I had a girlfriend at the time. Ooh, look at you. I don't want to be a player no more. Not a player, just a crush a lot.

Look at you, just getting all the pussy with your brontosaurus t-shirt on. That's right. Chicks dig dinosaurs. The grass is always greener on the other side when you can see over it with your long, vegetable-eating neck. Yeah, so you had a girlfriend.

What was she? She was on Vimeo? Yeah, yeah you had a girlfriend. What was she? She was on Vimeo? Yeah, yeah. I upgraded. Dork. Dork. I only know Vimeo because of you. No, my other girlfriend wasn't in the YouTube world.

Right. So we kind of connect. Easy. Easy breezy. I love it, Tom. Well, really good jokes, man. And for only doing it two months, extremely impressive. Obviously, you're putting it all together, doing a good job. Congratulations.

Thank you. Tom Armstrong. Let's keep it moving along. Want to swing from the chandelier here. From the chandelier here. Heck, yeah. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Cole Black.

Cole Black, let's go. No rest for the wicked. Let's keep this fun train moving along. You guys having fun here tonight? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show?

Oh, one more time for Cole Black hey how's going awesome I found them a little naive since the divorce yeah only the other week I found out what a reach around was yeah I'm no dummy. Like, if you drew a picture, I would have been able to figure it out. I even saw that army movie, that real old one, where the drill sergeant said, you're such an arsehole, you wouldn't give your boyfriend a reach around if you, while making sweet gay love to him.

Something like that. And you would be an arsehole. Who are these arseholes not reaching around? Midgets? Gay midgets? It's not really their fault. They can't reach. That's one minute.

Whoa. Wow. Really giving the people what they wanted. I said, who likes to see people do bad? You're like, just give me one fucking second. I'm on my fucking way, matey. Jesus Christ, man. Wow, look at you.

You seem so classy and so trashy at the same time. What are you, the mayor of Penrith? Penrith? Are you the mayor of Penrith? No, about 15 minutes up the road. 15 minutes up the road, so I'm pretty fucking close. You're the next William Montgomery, Tony. I guess so.

So what was that, your first time doing stand-up? Yes. Yeah, definitely. Congratulations. There it is, the goat of the first time. You're a fan of the show, and you thought you'd give it a whack-up? Yes. Yeah, definitely. Congratulations. There it is. The goat of the first time. You're a fan of the show and you thought you'd give it a whack here today? Yeah. That's cool. I'm a big fan. Awesome.

Been writing for a bit. That lasted longer. What was the last thing you said? That meant it was longer when I practiced it at home. Yeah, yeah. You must have left time for laughter when you did it at home. That'll be at least three seconds. That'll be five seconds.

Gay midget, it's gonna crush, mate. Yeah. So, hell yeah. What do you do with your life? Stay at home, dad. Single dad. Oh, cool. How old's your kid?

Hunter's 13, Ruby's 11. Hunter's 13, Ruby's 11. Their names are now out there for the pedophiles listening to the show. Hunter and Ruby. Yes. Very cool. That's fun. And what do you like to do with your kids?

Bushwalk, camping, kayaking, do all that stuff. Bushwalk? Yeah, bushwalk. What's a bushwalk? Hike. It's a hike? Yeah, it's a hike. It's when a man goes down on Feminist Stacy.

Hey. Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, man. We actually know for a fact that Feminist Stacy does have a massive bush. It's very, very impressive. Unkept. I mean, very, very just doesn't give a fuck down there.

Why does his face say old, but his wardrobe says grasping onto youth for dear life? Yeah. Because it's true. Yeah, exactly. You look like a guy that fell in the mud and had to get your clothes here in Merrickville. How long have you been a Christian rapper?

Wow. This crowd knows what's up. The chants have begun. He's heating up back there. I love it. So how long have you been a stay-at-home dad? Has that been the whole time since the kids were born? No, no, no. For three years we've been broken up and two years kids with me. Oh, okay.

How about the ex? What happened there? How did you get custody? I wanted them. You won? Yeah, I wanted them. What do you have to do to win in Australia? It was a hard breakup. We really hurt each other a lot. Oh, yeah. Yeah, would you guys have a slap boxing match? Yeah, she won. Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, and now the kids is with me now at Richmond. That's very cool. Very cool that you're... How are you able to support everyone if you stay at home?

Sold a business at the end of last year. What was the business? I was just like a landscaping lawn mowing business. Oh, very cool. Heck yeah. Does your wife have to pay you, or your ex-wife have to pay you, owl mowing? No.

Why? Because she's a woman. She doesn't. That's a real feminist next to you. You be careful. She's 0 for 1 in boxing matches tonight. Very threatening. Wow.

So how about anything else? Actually, I'm a feminist, so I agree with him that the woman should have to pay him. Wow. Look at that. There you go. A little heartfelt moment from feminists. Wow. Look at that. There you go. Yeah. A little heartfelt moment from Feminist. Wow. She's got some fans out there. Wow. So Cole, how about the

kids? Anything crazy happening with them? You ever have, did they show you their they have in their periods or anything yet? Or showing you boners, asking you what's up with this dad? Why? What do I do with this? Can I put this somewhere in your mouth or anything like that? I don't know.

Do they ever say, Dad, please stop wearing that hat? Yeah. Yep. Dad, stop it. You look like thick Freddy Krueger. Yeah. Wow. So any fun moments with the kids?

I heard they say The darndest things These kids No really I bought Hunter His first People magazine Porn magazine Porn magazine

Wait People magazine Or porn magazine Yeah he was I found that he Looked in free Free porn I didn't want him

Doing that Oh on the internet Yeah So you got him A porno magazine Instead Oh okay That's what you said

So how old is he again 13 13 years old Absolutely I remember when I was On the internet? Yeah. So you got him a porno magazine. Instead, yeah. Oh, okay. That's what you said. So how old is he again? 13. 13 years old. Absolutely. I remember when I was that age. I had a... That's a young age, isn't it? No, it's not.

Anyway, so when I was 13, I had this Hawaiian Tropic magazine. Remember those things? It was like the suntan thing. Those were the good old days. Fun fact, when I was that young, I used to instead of masturbating normally, I would do this thing where I would plant my hand in the ground and fuck it, missionary position. And I would just finish

right there. I'd put like a little paper towel down right there and I'd just fuck my hand in the mission. It was my favorite thing. So basically, I would have the magazine open on the ground and I would fuck it and I would just look right in the girl's eyes and just fucking... Never said that before in the history of the show I guess Sydney just

some people are looking at me disgusted right now you can go fuck yourselves I used to always fuck pillows and then I would just like wipe the cum off on my pillow and then I would sleep on it and my mom always thought it had dandruff as a young kid

so it's always by my head and shoulders like my are we all just wow I guess I really opened up the floodgates on this one I uh I used to oh wow little something from Joelberg back here

I used to put Vaseline inside of the toilet paper tubes and fuck those. What? Like when the toilet paper was done, I'd take the inner roll. That's how big Joel's dick was even when he was a kid. For those of you that don't know, he has fucking baked potatoes for penises. How about you, Stacy? I used to drag my vagina across The carpet until I climaxed

Wow, you just Snail trailed it Look at that slime Like a wounded soldier Wow Well, Cole Black slime. Like a wounded soldier. Wow. Well, Cole Black, thank you so much.

It's always incredible different shapes and sizes of people. There's nothing that I respect more than a good fucking badass single dad that literally sticks around and does the work, raises his kids. So there you go. Cole Black, everybody. Single parents.

If it wasn't for them, the show would not exist. I promise you that. Because I would have been aborted. Anyway, pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for James Henson everyone here we go I am woman hear me roar

James Henson everyone G'day, my name's James I've got some friends that call me Jim I've got an uncle that calls me Jimothy and the guys at work call me,. I've got an uncle that calls me Jimothy. And the guys at work call me, there he is, he's masturbating again. That's fun. I am getting married in two weeks. I actually met my partner at work, so we had to keep it a big secret. Not really a secret now, so I can use her real name, Intercourse Associate.

And I work in advertising as well, and they say that TVs are dying medium, and that these streaming services are actually taking over. But you guys are paying $16 a month for Netflix just to scroll through the menu and comment about how shit all the content is, you're not on fucking Gogglebox. And I can prove about why TV is not a dying medium, because it can be 10.45 on a Wednesday night, and you're absolutely fuck-eyed, it's time for bed. But you see 1999, Adam Sandler's comedy drama, Big Daddy, and you're like, like no I'm not fucking

going to bed that's it there you go James Henson my goodness look at you how are you pal how do you feel right now

yeah I feel good I'm okay really yeah alright I'm okay okay I guess so if you feel good now? Yeah, I feel good. I'm okay. Really? Yeah. All right. I'm okay. Okay.

I guess so. If you feel good, then I guess it's okay. It's okay. Low expectations you had for the set tonight? Just wanted to give it a crack. I love it. That's very good. Is this your first time?

Second time. Second time. Come on, make some noise for James, everyone. Heck yeah. So how old are you, James? 26. 26. What do you do for work? Work in advertising. Yeah, boring as fuck. Absolutely. How about for fun?

I like to play squash. You like to play squash? Wow, the most ridiculous game that we can even imagine. Is that the Harry Potter thing? Yeah, it's the It's the racquetball thing. Yeah, it's the... It's the racquetball thing. Yeah, it's the masturbating of athletics. It's the old...

You play people in squash? Yeah. Are you good at it? Yeah, I'm okay. Really? How long have you been playing for? Yeah, go ahead. I was going to ask how often you play. Once every fortnight.

Every fortnight? Fortnight. Oh my goodness. Well, there you play. Once every fortnight. Every fortnight? Fortnight. Oh, my goodness. Well, there you go. We know about that. What does that mean, once every fortnight? Every two weeks. Once every two weeks.

Wow. Guy, why do you guys speak like old British people? On this the fortnight, four score, seven years ago. Hibbity hobbity dibbity bobbity, I played squash. Has anyone told you you look like a young Jeffrey Jones, the redhead guy from Ferris Bueller's Day Off? I haven't seen it.

It's a deep, deep reference. No, I know who he is. I know exactly who he is. It's better than your Kramer reference. I'll give you that. There you go. That's the sound of the audience seeing the picture. That is true. You do look like him. Who do you think you look like?

If you had to guess who you looked like, what would you say? Almost one of the Weasley older twins, but mixed with Jeremiah. I don't think so. I don't think so at all. Wow.

So you play squash. What else about you, James? There must be other interesting stuff. Both my parents are deaf. They're both deaf. What? Oh, my goodness. That must have been who you ran your jokes by, huh?

Wow. Did a little deaf comedy jam for them, huh? How are both of your parents deaf? How does that happen? They weren't deaf until he told them the jokes. Yeah. My goodness. So when they got mad at you when you were younger,

it must have been chaos. Oh! Did they... Oh! Did they dislocate their jaws while they screamed? Did you ever hear them having sex through the door because they couldn't hear themselves? That's a great question.

Did you answer it? You never heard them having sex? No, weirdly enough, no. Being deaf must run in the family, huh? So what was that like, having deaf parents? It's okay. You find yourself pretending to have to be them a lot on the phone just to get away with it sometimes.

It's an interesting childhood, though. You can jerk off, be as loud as you want. You know what I mean? Just like, oh, fuck yeah. Fucking take that hand, you motherfucker. Inward, inward, inward. You can't even rebel by playing music loud. Right.

He's such a good boy. You know ATMs have headphone jacks on them? You know, like money machines? I never noticed that until recently. You could plug headphones into an ATM machine. It's just like, do you want a receipt? Oh, okie dokie. Wait, why would a deaf person plug in headphones to an ATM, Brian?

That makes no sense. And why would the ATM in Deaf Boy say, would you like a receipt? You're an idiot, Brian! I don't know! You're an idiot! It's unbelievable. Go look at an ATM. All right, we believe you, Brian.

Red band. I decoded that in three seconds. James, what's your love life like? You fucking squashing some puss puss or what? What are we talking about here? Just the one. She's American as well. Oh, wow.

How'd you get yourself an American girl? Is she deaf too? I love your jokes. Is she deaf or blind? Or just dumb? I can't believe you can make fun of special needs people. It's okay. What's her story?

She came out to visit. Yeah, she came out to visit. You're like, hey, what do you want to do? Go to Bondi Beach? And what happened? Yeah, just like that. Just on the source. Too many nights in a row.

And then we just stuck to it. Sorry, a hot chick just walked by and Jeremiah and I got caught daydreaming for a second. What was the answer that you gave? This is very funny. Did you see that? I'm sweating.

I don't know what's happening. It's so funny. I just started sweating too when that happened. I can feel it. It was very bizarre. What did I even ask you? I don't even remember. Yeah, so back to you. What are your parents' favorite bands? Def Leppard, the Deftones? What are we talking

about? What is it? No, they don't listen to music. They don't listen to music at all? Really? Not even Beethoven or anything like that? They don't even represent their own kind? Do they like the Eurythmics or anything?

No, nothing. Oh, all right. Well, that's cool. The American girlfriend of yours, how long have you guys been together? Four years now. Four years. What does she do?

She works in advertising as well. What part of the States? Where is she from? Maryland. Not Baltimore. I don't know if you technically got an American. It's pretty much

another fucking Canadian. There's people that go like that all the time. Alright, well James, we're going to keep it moving along. Very good job for a second time. Even though it was bad, still good for a second time. Heck yeah. That was one of my favorite moments in the show's history right there. Put your hands together for Jonathan Burns.

Jonathan and Jonathan. Jonathan Burns. Wow, right here. Look at this. Jonathan Burns. Fucking hell. Hey, guys, everyone. All right. Let's see.

Laughing. Alright, so at the start of this year I actually got arrested. So it was one of the most surreal and one of the most scary and dreamlike state experiences that I've ever had in my life where for every 10-15 seconds it felt like just going back in time and just like, I just want to go back. I want to restart it. But I also found out how far into my body that my dick and balls will go.

The moment that dog sniffed my crotch, I was just like... Sucked in. And then this is right after. You've got five coppers all with chest cams. And it was one of the most frightening things ever. But then we got in the MTT van and stripping down. And this is the one time I'm like, man, I don't even get a fucking fluffer.

Like, my dick's about this tiny and I don't have any assistance. That's fucked. Oh, yeah. Jonathan. Keep that microphone, pal. Jonathan Burns. Jonathan. Okay, very good.

Jonathan, welcome, welcome, welcome to the show. Hell yeah. Look at you. Thanks for leaving your duty on the wall to come be with us today. Yeah. This is like Game of Thrones if the throne was at King's Cross. Wow.

Has anyone ever told you you look like Forrest Gump while he was... Oh, okay. Maybe, uh, there you go. Right on the, uh, just always, uh, just always, uh, just hit the music during the punchline, Brian. Uh, it's always perfect. Awesome timing. Nailed it. Um... Forrest Gump? Yeah, well, it's always perfect. Awesome timing. Nailed it.

Forrest Gump? Yeah, well, it's ruined now. Can't really go back to that one. I actually went to a dubstep gig on Friday night, and I dressed up as Forrest Gump when he went for a run. You dressed up as Forrest Gump at a dubstep concert? It was Halloween. That is literally retarded.

Wow. My goodness. So, why did you dress up as Forrest Gump? It's easy. It's easy. I've got a beard and long hair. Yeah, so what did you wear? Just a yellow shirt, red shorts, and some really daggy, daddy white Kmart

shoes. There you go. Absolutely. That's your first time doing stand-up comedy you go. Absol-fucking-lutely. That's your first time doing stand-up comedy? Absolutely. Definitely. How old are you? 31. 31.

What do you do for work? I'm actually working at a factory. I do sanding and priming of kitchen panels and stuff. Oh, okay. That's interesting. You have a face for that job. Cover it up. Yeah.

Feminist Stacey. Is it true if you you die you'll come back to life three days later i might sleep in though yeah yeah i have seen some of the dirtiest ugliest ponytails when i've been here on men there i don't understand what is happening back there it is uh it is quite incredible. It is absolutely disgusting what you look like. I did have an idea. I was thinking just this week after having a smoke and I was just like, if you guys had a pair of

scissors, I'd be willing to let you guys chop it off if you want. Really? Alright, well. It's about five years old. Kylie, can we get a pair of scissors up here? That's very impressive. This is very exciting.

We're going to cut off a guy's disgusting ponytail for the first time in the history of the show. This is one of our high points and our low points at the same time. We have a pair of scissors coming up. I believe I see some movement up here. Why does it have to be called a man bun? We started it! Oh, just a

false alarm. Just a wacky Australian that just likes jogging to and fro. Does anybody have a pair of scissors? Maybe we could fucking boomerang it off. Just fucking hold it out there. Jesus, look at that thing.

If you guys are wondering what Jeremiah's pubes look like, that's the answer. Somebody working on scissors for us? Well, as we all know, you can't run with scissors. So it's going to be very slow. It's a very slow person coming to this. You know what? I have a different idea. Let's do something different because that just seems a little bit too easy. We cut your hair and then

that's it and then it's over. But I think we should do something different. Now a lot of you might not know this but I'm sure you do. You've watched the show for a long time. You know that Jeremiah six months ago famously cut his long hair down to a normal employable.

Oh, okay. To a normal. A lot of scissor liars out here today. That girl looks like she scissors her girlfriends. Not hair, I guess. not hair, I guess. Jeremiah famously cut his long hair down to a normal, employable hairstyle. And however,

an interesting fun fact. Yes, here you go. Wow, look at this. It's the ghost of Brody Stevens, everybody. Wave to these people. Wave. You got it. That's frightening. Yes. It's fucking, it's Bogan people. Wave. You got it. That's frightening.

Yes. It's fucking, it's Bogan Stevens. Yes. Should we cut it or should we cover him in fucking hair? We should cover him, right? A lot of you guys, you'd be surprised to know that for some very odd comedic reason, Jeremiah decided to bring his cut hair all the way to Australia with him here. Are you fucking

serious? Yeah. He brought an entire You have that bag of hair on you? What? It's fucking disgusting. It's got a bag. It's got a bag of hair. So why don't we do something that we've never done before and why don't we cover this guy completely in hair?

Instead of getting it, would you be willing to put it on his face? Would you be willing to take a bunch of hair to your face? This is one of the stupidest things we've ever done. Disgusting. We are knocking off a bucket list of absolute dumbish. Oh, that is disgusting. That is nasty. Why would you bring that to Australia?

Why would you just donate that to a gay kid? What are we doing? What is that? Oh, that is disgusting. Put that back in the bag. We can't do anything with that. Just cut his hair. Let's fucking chat.

I've had this in the top drawer of my bedroom for six months. But why'd you bring it? It just growled at me. Why did you bring it, though? What was the reasoning for bringing that? I don't know. I figured we'd do something special with it in Sydney. Oh, don't touch it.

Wow. For those of you listening to the show, I apologize. It's chaos up here. We have... That is... Oh, my God. Does it smell like anything? What does it smell like?

Let me smell. I'm going to smell it. Oh, my God. It still feels like it smells like? Let me smell. I'm going to smell it. Oh, my God. It still feels like it smells like something, though. Yeah, I don't know what to do with you. Cut it? All right, let's fucking cut it. Here we go.

This is it. All right. So put your head over the trash can. Wait, you took it out of the ponytail. Put it back in the ponytail. Yeah, hold that. Here, face the audience. Square up with the audience.

All right, lean over the trash can here. All right. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Well, the audience can't really see it. Here, sort of like, here, go like this. Let's face the other way. This way.

Face red band. And then, yeah. All right, here we go. You guys ready for this shit? Keep your heads still. Oh, my God. It's much harder than I thought it would be. Oh, this is...

Wow. This is one of the lowest points of the show's history, everybody. We're getting close. There we go. Oh, my God. This is the worst thing I've ever done in my life. I have this guy's disgusting Aussie hair all over my hand. Hey!

Wow. Disgusting. Get out of here. There he goes. Jonathan Burns, everybody. It looks a lot better, actually. Yeah, you do. You look immediately better. Why is Jeremiah putting his hair back in a bag?

Oh, why? Here, throw that hair in the trash can. You don't need it, unless you want to keep it for longer. How about one more time for Jonathan, everybody? What the fuck was that? This is one of the wackiest... Oh! A little something to the audience.

Somebody caught it. It's licking it. He's licking in the hair. Oh, my goodness. Okay, we got a one-word name. Put your hands together for Dino, everybody. Come on, make some noise for Dino. Here we fucking go.

This is a crazy show tonight. Here he comes, everybody. Make some noise for Dino, everyone. Hey, guys. How you going? Might not look like it or sound like it, but I'm half Samoan. Yeah.

Bit more like an inside-out coconut, more than anything. Just before I got married to my wife, though, I was over at my father-in-law's place, and he was talking to one of his workmates. And they were talking about... One of their mates at work, who just happened to be in trouble for beating the fuck out of his wife. And his workmate says, oh, well, he's a coconut.

So what can you expect? My father-in-law knows exactly what I am. And so I just took that as a green light. And before I came up, my missus said, you better be funny. So good luck, curbs. Yeah, that's it. There you go. Dino.

Hell yeah, Dino. Absolutely, buddy. This crowd is in shock and awe right now. You are sweating bullets, huh, my friend? What is going on there? It's out of control. Is it a little bit hot in here, huh? No, I just fucking sweat

at the drop of a hat. My goodness. What's going on down there? Nah, it's fucked. I just... You sweat a lot? Yeah. From the months of, like, August through. And then, and then what happens the other months? August

through what? July? Yeah, yeah, pretty much. Wow. Have you always had that? Just soaking wet armpits, and you just commit to the grey t-shirt on that? Yeah, it's not a good option. It's fucked up. I don't want to bluff anybody. If you fall in love with me, this is what you get. You know what I option. I don't want to bluff anybody.

If you fall in love with me, this is what you get. You know what I mean? I don't want to... No secrets kept here. I sweat. For those of you listening, the sweat goes from his armpit halfway down to his waist. It's a long way. It's like somebody spilled two beers on his nipples.

Yeah, exactly. Why not black shirts, though? Seriously. It's also slimming are you a sweaty hand guy also like are you the whole thing yeah yeah sweaty everywhere sweaty everything butthole sweaty butthole self lubing butthole

do you know first time doing stand up yeah absolutely congratulations what do you do for a living I guess First time doing stand-up? Yeah, absolutely. Congratulations. What do you do for a living? I guess technically I'm still in the Air Force. I'm in the middle of discharging. I've got time off for the rest of the year.

The Australian Air Force? What do you fly, paper planes? Just in case anybody ever fucking flies a kite or something like that. Yeah, pretty much. What do you do for the Air Force? I'm an avionics technician. It's just fixed electrical bullshit. I shoot down lorikeets. Yeah.

Just sell some bean chickens. My goodness. So that's how you make money? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Cool. There's something like, I don't know how to say this, but like very Hitler-y about you.

Yeah, for sure. You do look like fat Hitler or something. You do look like Hitler's sweaty grandson. Like you look like if Hitler put himself in a gas chamber. Has anyone ever told you that before? Nah, not that specifically. I know. Have you ever thought about trimming the mustache down full Hitler?

I mean, you're so close. Can we get that pair of scissors back up here? How many of you guys, you want to do it? Oh, we could do it. You would do it? Yeah, absolutely. Let's fucking do it. I'm not hesitating.

What the fuck is going on? Give me a, I need the scissors and a trash can back ASAP. Well, we already have one trash can on stage. Hey, what'd I do? Trash can. How are you going to cut it? You know where that trash can went? How are you going to cut that with scissors, though?

Kylie. She's coming. All right, very good. This is exciting. This is the first time in the history of the show in which we've ever cut someone's... Here comes the eye. I love how this trash can keeps...

You have the scissors, Kylie? No, they're not in there anymore. God damn it. You know what? You have any special talents that you can do in the meanwhile while we wait for the scissors? You know how to sing or do anything? You can squirt out of his armpits.

No, I'd like it. That's literally it. That's about all I've got. God, that is impressive. That is a lot of sweat. You ever tried antidepressant? You know, like the whatever it's called. It's called antiperspirant red band.

Not antidepressant for your, oh, my elbows and my armpits are so depressed. Did you know your armpits have a thing for headphones? How about a hand for Kylie Sparrow, everybody? She's a tour manager. She's responsible for my last five years in a row of coming to Sydney, Australia. She was able to get down on your knees. Get over here. We're going to do this shit.

You sure you want to do this, right? No lawsuits from this after this. This is very exciting. You stay still, pal. Tony's hands are shaking so much. Why are you shaking so much, Tony? This isn't going the way I thought it would go.

These are the worst scissors I've ever done anything with in my life. Apologies to the factory theater for all the dirty hair that's going to be on the stage after the show. That's not going to work. Yeah, these scissors are garbage. Can we get another pair of scissors? Let's cut his head off. Yeah. Can we get an axe?

Let's get another pair of scissors. Let's cut his head off. Yeah. Can we get an axe? Kylie, can we find another pair of scissors from, like, the ticket office or something? Anybody have scissors on them? Yeah, does anybody have barber scissors out in the audience? How about a razor blade? Anyone have any coke addicts in the audience?

Come here. Keep coming here. Just stay over here. Everybody. I'm going to interview you while this happens. What do you do for fun when you're not working in avionics or anything like that? I like getting

drunk and yelling at sporting events. You're going to look perfect for that after this mustache is done. Don't laugh while this is happening. You're wasting my time. This is also a full beard for me. I know. God doesn't love me very much. You're making it look like full beard for me. Yeah, I know. God doesn't love me very much.

You're making it look like your mustache, Tony. Oh, come on. Stop laughing. So, you have a girlfriend? A wife? You have a wife? What do you think she's going to think when you come home with a Hitler mustache? Oh, she's in the crowd.

Oh, really? Why do I feel like this is the beginning to a bad gay porno? You better stop laughing, dude. This isn't going to work out well for you. Oh, wow. Tell me more about your wife. Yeah, this is good. We're getting there. We're actually making a lot

of progress here. You want to make out? Oh, yeah. Stop it, Brian. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. This is the stupidest shit we've ever done. But it's also going to be completely awesome

once it's done. So, what are your thoughts on Hitler and the work that he did? I'm not a massive fan. I don't think my workplace would be a fan. Don't face them yet. I want it to be a reveal. Haven't you ever seen... Stop laughing. Haven't you ever seen anything in show business before?

Oh god, that one just went right up my sleeve. That was disgusting. I really felt that. Cut to ten hours later, he looks the same. Stop laughing. I got a lighter. We could just burn him off. And I got some Powerade Zero if it catches fire.

Wow. Red band on the science project over here. That's how it works. I just want everybody to remember this moment the next time I pitch a segment on the show. No shit. Giving a guy a Hitler mustache is the greatest thing we've ever done ever. This is a first, and we're going to always have a razor on.

What's blackened on top of a stairway? Looks pretty good. Put your hands together for Adolf Hitler. Oh, there's some more. Here we go. Give me two more good swipes at this fucking thing. Stop laughing. Stephen Hawking after a fire.

Oh, yeah, there we go. We're cleaning it up good now. Let's just draw it on with a Sharpie. You got to finish this job when you get home and then tag us in it. Tag Kill Tony on your Instagram. Yeah, we'd love to retweet Hitler stuff. Hashtag

dildo party. That's good enough. It looks exactly the same. I guess so. Who cares? That's it. That's a new segment. If you bomb on this show, you get a Hitler mustache. You bomb with a mustache, you fucking get the Hitler.

You guys having fun out there? Not now. It's a lot of hair shed on this show. Bloodshed and hair shed. Okay. I believe this might be our first lady of the night. Put your hands together for Lena, everybody. Lena Salerno.

Whoa, here she is. It's Lena, everyone. Fuck yeah. Hello, how are you? Make some noise for Lena. Thanks. So, it's my birthday today. And thanks. And it's, even though I spent about 50 hours at the airport just waiting for my new plane because I came from Melbourne yesterday. It was a lot better than my birthday last year. So last year I got a phone call from a random chick and found out that my boyfriend who I lived with for many years was cheating on me.

But he actually forgot. He told me that he forgot he'd been cheating on me, just the same way that you or I would forget to, I don't know, pick up milk on the way home. So I'm still single, 12 months later. And I took the time to kind of reflect on the kind of guys that I was going for. So most people have a type, and I realized that my type was generally narcissistic sociopaths with zero income and really bad credit.

So it's been consistent. Hell yeah, Lena. Fuck yeah. Thanks. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah Thanks Hell yeah It's exciting Lena is the first comedian of the night To come on stage And it looks like we already cut her hair

Very good That's exciting Me and her get our hair cut at the same place It's good Theovani Yeah very good absolutely part of the fucking gang gang over here

look at you it's interesting because you dress like a barber but you have that haircut that haircut is Australian as fuck only in you're wondering like oh I wonder how many American girls have the old regular hair with the old man bangs.

No. Hell yeah. You can shave it off. No, it's okay. I call that haircut the wishing well. I wish this goes well. Oh, well. Wow, look at that.

That's interesting. Yeah, I'm a feminist. I'll take down women, too. Wow. Look at that. There he is. There's our pal with the fresh haircut take down women too. Wow. Look at that. There he is. There's our pal with the fresh haircut right there. Absolutely. Selena, welcome to the show. First time

doing stand-up? It is. Congratulations. Thank you. Very cool. Awesome. This is really a goddamn anomaly because we ran into each other today at the Melbourne airport on the It's really a goddamn anomaly because we ran into each other today at the... At the airport.

At Melbourne Airport on the way here. Your flight was delayed. You said you had tickets to the show. You got a picture with me and Jeremiah Watkins, the artist formerly known as Feminist Stacy. And here we are. You were lucky enough to get pulled out of a bucket. Is that true that your boyfriend cheated on you a year ago? He was cheating on you for a long time?

Yeah, and he genuinely said... Like, he was just as surprised as i was when i found out he was like what and then i love that you think he was surprised yeah like you think that's real a year later and you're still falling for it like oh no seriously you just totally forgot that it happened yeah okay no he used to pretend that he'd like black out randomly yeah and uh yeah i presented him with some evidence and he was like oh shit i forgot about that why did the girl come to you were they like did he break up with her or stop fucking her or something no so he had borrowed some money for to take me out for my birthday from her and he told her that

he was going to his brother's baptism and we went out for the day then we came back to our house in the evening and she just thought she couldn't last another minute so she had to break it to me on my birthday are they together still?

I don't know. Did that happen on your birthday. Wow. Are they together still? I don't know. That happened on your birthday? Yeah. And today's your birthday? Yeah. Wow. That is so cool. Happy birthday.

What a difference a year makes, huh? I know. That must have been pretty devastating a year ago when that happened. How long were you two together for? Just over two years. Just over two years. What did he do for work? Nothing. Nothing.

He was a do nothing. Yeah. Heck yeah. I like those guys. Why is did he do for work? Nothing. Nothing. He was a do-nothing. Yeah. Heck yeah. I like those guys. Why is that, do you think? I don't know. Is your father a loser? My father's dead.

Yeah, he's dead. Perfect, yeah. So you like guys that do nothing because they're like your father. Exactly. You like guys that just lie around, preferably in the dirt. No, he's above ground. He's on a shelf. Oh, really?

He's in a morgue? It's an Italian thing. Oh, you're Italian. Yep. Look at that. You ever snort a little of your dad? No, he's full bodied. He's not cremated.

He's not in a... Oh, I thought he was cremated. He's in a morgue. Do you think these loser guys fuck better? Wait, what? Like she says she likes these narcissistic losers. Do they fuck better? Right.

I don't know. I haven't had anything else. I can answer this for you. It's a control thing. It's because it gives you the leverage in the relationship. You have the power. You have the money. You have the overall advantage, and you like that.

You know, I've seen a therapist for years, and you just nailed it. Well, yeah, here's another thing, is your therapist doesn't want to give you that answer. They want you to keep coming back every week. Ah, one of these days we're going to have a real breakthrough, Lena. That'll be another $125, please. No, that's definitely what it is. You ever been with a woman before?

No, I tried to have a girlfriend for a little while, and I couldn't break up with her, and it just got so messy that I didn't really go there. Like, we just kind of met, and then... Why couldn't you break up with her? She just kept crying in public. Yeah, I know, right? That's what they do.

It was really bad. I know. All the time And I was like It's cool It's cool We'll just Right

We'll keep going I know It never ends with them You're supposed to keep that To yourself bitch Whoa You ever cry feminist Stacy? Only in the shower

Oh my god This way you can't even tell Because it just drips down Exactly Wow Impressive Lena What do you do for work? I'm in HR This way you can't even tell because it just drips down. Exactly. Wow. Impressive. Lena, what do you do for work?

I'm in HR. HR. Heck yeah. The business of people. Oh, very good. The business of people. That's very good. Absolutely.

And how about for fun? Any fun hobbies or anything like that? Do you have special skills or talents or anything? I have a special pet. Oh, yeah? What kind of pet is it? He's a bearded dragon, so he's like a baby dinosaur. Oh, wow.

And I really love him. Aw. Like a lot. Yeah, you're going to be single for a long time. I know. You watch yourself, Anthony. Wait, wait, wait. Why? No brighter phoenix will rise than a woman scorned.

Oh, my God. What a weird moment to do that. You have a dragon or something? Inside of me. Oh, my God. How long have you had this dragon for? He turned two about a month ago. What do you feed a dragon?

So he's kind of a vegetarian that hates vegetables so i feed him like the equivalent of a cockroach oh jesus christ i need that for my soundboard what was that never again sir never again that was your one if he makes that noise again open hand slap him somebody in the audience wait wait can't wait can we can she say one more fact about her bearded dragon and then we hear that guy do the exact same thing one more time? Alright, sure. Let's do it. Absolutely. Let's acknowledge this so that we always have people in audiences doing dumbass shit and then it'll always be a

thing. Maybe if I don't get pulled out of the bucket I can just interrupt the show. Alright. Let's do this. Everybody stay quiet after the answer except for you-know-who. Here we go. And have you ever slept with your dragon before? Have you ever cuddled with it or anything like that?

He sleeps in my bed every night. There you go. See? That's why segments don't work with audience members. Sleeps in your bed. You had one fucking job, you absolute idiot. He really sleeps in bed with you every night?

I trusted you! Stacy, let's just keep it moving along. This is why I never trust men! Alright, alright. That's true, he sleeps in bed with you? Yeah. How long has that been for? Twelve months? Okay.

Back to Lena, everyone. It's kind of been on and off since he was a baby. Since he was a baby. How long has that been for? Two. Two years. Very good. Very good.

All right. Has it ever crawled inside of you? No. Let's all do it together. One, two, three. Trash can. What I do this. All right.

Well, Lena, it's so cool. Again, it's amazing how far you've come in a year. And happy birthday to you. You guys sing happy birthday here? Is that a thing? Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Happy birthday dear Lena

No, I'm not going to do it. Happy birthday to you One more time for Lena, everybody. I think she's a little cutie. Your boyfriend cheated on you. I forgot the words. Hey, you know the version of that song where it goes,

you smell like a monkey and you look like one too? I sang happy birthday to my black friend and I did that part not thinking about it. You can't do that anymore. There you go.

There you go. There you go. Very good. Red band working out. Different times. Red band working out new minutes. No, that's like a real thing. I did it. Red band working out new minutes. No, that's like a real thing.

I did it. Pulled a name out of the bucket. That's the noise for Michael Montoro, everyone. Michael Montoro. Woo! Stage smells like Australian hair. Here he is, Michael Montoro, everybody. Hey, everyone. My name's Michael, born and bred in Australia.

They say Australians are a racist nation. They're racist, bloody racist. Part of me thinks when people say those sorts of things, they're being fucking racist. My girlfriend the other day, she was talking about the glass ceiling. I was like, babe, it's not a big deal. And she's like, no, it's horrible. I'm just like, just wear pants.

And she's like, what do you mean? I said, they won't see up your skirt. Halloween's coming up in Australia. It's a pretty funny thing. We don't really have it here, but I want to get involved. But I don't have much money because I live at home with my dad. So I thought the cheapest way to do that would just be sticking up a really official-looking piece of paper

on my front gate that says, we cannot take place in this because a registered sex offender lives here. That's all I got, guys. Thank you very much. There you go. Michael Mont got, guys. Thank you very much. There you go. Michael Montoro, congratulations. Fun set. Perhaps the set of the night so far.

How long have you been doing stand-up? This is the first time I've been on stage. Wow. Very impressive. Look at that. Absolutely. Thanks, guys. My goodness.

You've come a long way from being Mario's evil brother, Wario. That is incredible. Whoa! There you go. Absolutely. Very good. What have you been doing with your life up until this point? I've just gone back to uni, and I'm about to finish studying for web design.

Very cool. How old are you? 30. What do you do for work, though? I mean, how do you go to school at 30? It's a good question. Yeah. I got an internship, so I was very lucky. I'm working in the field that I'm studying. So you've never had a real job? Not really. You have rich parents? Yeah, they're pretty good. Yeah, what is your dad do for work? What does your dad do for work?

What does your dad do for work? Dad's a chiropractor and osteopath Wow, so at least someone's cracking someone up My goodness So what do you do for fun? Any hobbies or anything like that? You're 30 years old, this is your first time on stage Yep I like drawing, I like doing art.

That's about it. Video games. I'm very much into my video games. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah, nothing too ridiculous. Sorry. Yeah, absolutely.

What's your love life like? Good. I've been with my partner for nine years. Yeah, what's his name? Only in Australia do they say partners, and it's still the opposite sex. In America, if you say you've been with your partner a while, that means you're fucking a butthole, dude. You know what I'm saying, bro?

She's my girlfriend, but it felt like nine years shouldn't be calling her my girlfriend. Nine years you two have been together. You guys, you think you're ever going to tie the knot? Maybe one day. We'll see. Maybe one day. It's see. Maybe one day. It's been nine fucking years.

I got no money, man. Weddings are expensive. She's going to be in another castle soon. Yeah. That's very good. That's true. That's true. That's right.

She's going to get kidnapped by Bowser. It's not going to be the only lady I've heard of that sleeps with a dragon. Wow. That's interesting. What does she do, Michael? She's also in HR, actually. She's also in HR. Oh, my goodness. Wow. You ever forget that you cheated on her? Never happened. No, that would never happen. Exactly. You cheated on her? Never happened.

No, that would never happen. Exactly. Wow. My goodness. Happy guy. Yeah, absolutely. What was your childhood like? Anything crazy happen then?

Well, I used to jerk off, and I used to call it the fire starter. No, you didn't jerk off like that. Is that true? That was true. You'd be able to come like that? Yeah You just kept doing that and then you would finish? I had no idea, man That's all you knew? You tried that to start? It just stuck

Jesus, out of all the stories that we found out here That is the weirdest shit I've ever heard in my life About jerking off His dick is on fire. Wow. Well, Michael, very interesting stuff. Congratulations on your first time. We're going to keep flying through it.

There you go. Michael Montoro, everyone. On to the next one. Let's keep getting through these names. Heck yeah. Okay. How about Bobbin D? Bobbin D. B-O-B-B-I-N-D.

Period. Bobbin D. Here's Bobbin, everybody. Hi, everyone. Speaking of feminism, who here has a feminist girlfriend or a wife? Anyone? That guy over there?

Noble doggy style, am I right? Yeah, it's all about eye contact, yeah? Missionary all day long. Anyway, true story. I jerked off today while fantasizing about doing well tonight. Yep.

That happened. I'm married. I've got two kids, a wife, and juggling life and family gets hard sometimes. So I get cranky and angry and my wife and I have a deal that if I'm really nice to her and the kids during the day she lets me fuck her in the ass at night. It doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. She's very religious. So Bob and Dee, welcome. Thank you. My goodness, your eyes are so close to one another. Sorry. It's incredible.

Has anyone ever told you that before, that your eyes, your nose, and your mouth, it's like you look like you have an Instagram filter, like one of those silly things. Hi, everybody. I won't be able to unsee that anymore. It's like Johnny Carson eyes. You ever see Johnny Carson's eyes? Why don't you show everybody a picture, Brian, for the joke to work.

So, Bobbin, your first time doing stand-up, right? Yes. And your last time doing stand-up, right? If you say so, yes. No, it's okay. That was fun. You're now divorced with two kids? No, not divorced.

Not yet, yes. Not yet. Okay. So here we go, Bobbin. Let's talk about it. There's Johnny Carson eyes, for those of you in the live audience. Very close. Even Johnny had a much more marketable face than Bobbin B.

Very weird reference to use a television icon to compare Bobbin to. Can I see your face? Oh, I see it. Yeah. It's interesting. There's something like you're almost a cyclops. There's just the bridge of that nose. Very tiny bridge just keeping it all together.

It's like a bowling ball. Heck yeah. A lot of people don't know this while we're talking about faces. A little fun fact. The Sydney Opera House's design was off of uh jeremiah's profile his nose actually if you if he looks directly any one direction that's the opera house a lot of people a lot of tourists while we've been in australia have walked right up to jeremiah like can i get tickets to come in and they're like what and they're like that's the opera house right

and then we're like no that's jeremiah watkins knows he's got a podcast jeremiah wonders he's on social media jeremiah stand up and uh he's one of the stars of kill tony anyway bobbin uh is anything that you said during that set true at all like is that is your wife fuck you in the ass anything any part of it that we could actually talk about anything of any substance no um she's actually very religious she's very religious you? No. She's actually very religious. She's very religious? You're very religious? No, I actually come from a communist country.

We don't do religion there. I have no idea about religion. You have no idea, but your wife's religious? Yes. Uh-huh. And Christian? Christian, yes. Yeah, definitely.

Is she with your kids alone right now? Yes. How Christian is she, bro? I mean, I'd be careful. Bacon soda! Yes, that's the exact reference that I was making. She's not that Christian, yeah. What do you do for work?

In finance. I work in finance. Finance. Hell yeah. Always keeping a big eye on the money, huh? How about your wife? What does she do? She's a high school teacher.

A high school teacher. What does she teach in high school? She teaches religion. Whoa. Jesus. Frightening, dude. I know. Man, what's the kinkiest thing

you've ever been able to get away with in the bedroom with her if she's that religious? I mean, sometimes Christians are very, you know, boring, but sometimes they're also like... Yes, true. Sometimes Christians are very boring, but sometimes they're also like... Sometimes they also just want a fucking dick in every

hole, you know what I mean? You know, funny you say this. She sometimes likes it in the dark. You know, the lights are off. You mean the butthole. When you come, do you say, let there be light? You come again three days later.

I love it. We might try one of those things. You ever nail her to your wood? Yeah. Yeah. Turn the lights off. Turn the lights off. And she gives me this white dressing gown for some reason. I put it on.

Like a priest. And she likes to call me father for some reason. I don't know what that's all about. That's a joke, right? That's another one of your big lying jokes. Yes. Very good. That seems to be your specialty. I couldn't get it out in time, yes. Right. Exactly. Absolutely. Any special skills or talents you have, Bobbin? I used to play drums like six years ago, seven years ago.

What do you mean you played six or seven years ago? How long did you play drums for? Well, I played for like two or three years, and then I had kids, so I stopped, and I haven't played since. You stopped you from playing drums? You think you could still do a good job at all? You think you could do a drum solo? No? Oh, you can?

You want to give it a try? I don't know, maybe. All right, let's fucking do it. We're live in Sydney. Why not? Bob and Dee, ladies and gentlemen, is going to go for the throne here. I don't know. All right, let's fucking do it. We're live in Sydney. Why not? Bobbin D, ladies and gentlemen, is going to go for the throne here. I don't know. Watch for the sock, yeah?

There you go, Bobbin. Get behind the drums. Shut the fuck up. Now, Bobbin played for a few years, and now he is here. Now, just a reminder, if anybody doesn't know, he has an opportunity to become the new drummer of Kill Tony. He would be the new drummer. He would also be the least funny cast member we've ever had on this show.

Just a giant liar that gets light chuckles every few seconds. He has eyes that are very close to one another. So let's see what happens here. Bob, and if you win, we have a 10 a.m. flight back to Los Angeles tomorrow. We have a show at the Comedy Store that you will be the drummer for. Joel takes this very seriously, anybody who tries to take his job from him. Now let me remind you that this is about, there's a microphone there if you have something you want to say. This is not only about a drum solo performance. This is about overall comedic value. You can use

the stage. You could do whatever you want. You could really go for it here. But your wife is such a Christian, I get the feeling you're not going to. But here we are. With no further ado, this is a Mexican drum off in Sydney, Australia. And this is a drum solo by Bob and Dee, everybody. Here we go. All right. He gave it a good shot. The thing is, is Joel never shows mercy on anyone. No matter how good or bad the other person does,

Joel comes out guns a-blazin', and he takes absolutely no prisoners. Bobbin, you had a rough set. You're good right around there. I like that. You had a rough set earlier. We had sort of a slow-paced interview, I would say. And, sure, come over here. Absolutely.

If Stacy wants you over here for some reason, sure. And you're about to get your ass beat in a Mexican drum off. So, ladies and gentlemen, with no further ado, I present to you, here to keep his job as the drummer of Kill Tony, undefeated all time in Mexican drum offs, it's the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Hey. Oh! It's the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. He's got the purple dildo.

Oh, my God. He comes out, purple dildo. Ladies and gentlemen, this is incredible. Oh, he's sucking the purple dildo. Oh, my goodness. He just put it in his mouth. Joel, are you ready to do this, pal? Live in Sydney, our last show in Australia.

This is Joel's first time in Sydney, by the way. Here to keep his job, it's the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Oh, my God. Oh, the 360. Oh, he's grabbing a symbol. Oh, my goodness. What is happening? Whoa! A backflip with a purple dildo.

Wait a second. He said, wait a second. He's grabbing something, it appears, from the back. Wait a second. What is this? Oh, my God. He's got a shoe and a beer. You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Is this his first shoeie oh my god he did a shoeie live in Sydney with a purple dildo he's taking it off what's he gonna do with it

oh my god wait a second what is he doing oh no oh his second back Oh, my God. Wait a second. What is he doing? Oh, no. Oh! His second backflip. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Wow. Go fuck yourself.

Wow. My goodness. That is the most one-sided competition I've ever seen in my life. This was like watching an Australian versus an American in basketball. This was very impressive. How many of you have a guy named Bobbin winning that one? Yeah, there you go. How many of you

have Joelberg Joel Jimenez winning that? Wow. There you go. Very good. His first ever Shoei, his first performance in Sydney. That's Strollberg Joel Jimenez. And that's Bobbin D.

There goes Bobbin, everybody. Wow. Chaos. Absolute chaos, this show, I tell you. I don't think we've ever made this much of a mess on stage before. Somebody send me up another beer, please. Hell yeah. I'm going to pull another name out, and here we go.

Jamal Abdul, everyone. Jamal Abdul. Here comes Jamal, everybody. Here we go. Jamal Abdul. Oh. There you go. The wire came out.

All right, off to a great start. One more time for Jamal Abdul, everyone. All right. Here we go. Oh, my goodness. All right. I'll tell you guys a little bit about myself. I'm actually mixed race, guys.

I am. I am half Arabic, half Italian. That does get confusing at times. I'll give you an example. This is a greeting that a charming young Italian man can use, but an Arab can't. Yeah? Ah, how about that? Yeah, because it's a gun. It's pretty full on actually. No man, I'll tell you guys a little bit more about myself. I'm actually visually impaired.

I am. I'm legally blind. I was born with it. Suck on that, maybe leaned it myself, right? But it makes my life interesting. Like I was one of the first kids in primary school to have a laptop in class. I did. I had an awesome laptop. It had a special program on it. What it would do is it would take everything on the screen and it would read it out loud for me, making the computer completely accessible.

It was good technology at the time, but the voice on this thing was awful. So when I would turn my computer on, it would go, text-to-speech engine activated. Right? Have that real robotic voice. Damn. Fuck yeah.

Jamal Abdul. Absolutely. A blind Arabic man. Fuck yeah. Why couldn't you have tried to fly a plane into the World Trade Center? Jesus Christ. My goodness. In a stunning turn

of events, a plane has flown directly into the Hudson River. Wow. Very impressive, Jamal. Welcome to the show. Half Arabic, half Italian. So does that make you Sudanese? What are we talking about here? What are we talking about? Did you drive

here from Blacktown here today? No. Heck yeah. You just sit there and do all that research on local references? What the fuck do you think, pal? You questioning my preparation city to city? You mean that even though I'm exhausted traveling all around the world every single day, I don't do my fucking research.

Hey, this is your captain speaking. Yeah, that's me. So, welcome, welcome. Very cool. You're a blind guy and somehow your eyes are still less weird than bobbins. It's very impressive. So, that's

your first time doing stand-up? No. No, you've been doing it a while? You had a really good set, so I'm not assuming that that's your first time. Very good. How about a hand for him, Jamal Abdul? Oh, thank you, guys.

It was a good set. Heck yeah. One of the funniest blind people in comedy since Amy Schumer's Stylist. So how long have you been doing stand-up? I just clubbed four years, first of October. Four years, very good. Congratulations.

All of it here in Sydney? I'm based in Wollongong, so I'm about like... Yeah. Wow. All right. There's no brotherhood there. I don't know why you're cheering. That's weird.

No, it's like two hours away on the train. I catch a train, obviously. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Why obviously? Why did that get a laugh? Now I'm confused. I mean, yeah, the Australian government has a thing against blind people driving.

I don't know what that is. Oh, of course, yes. A little bit of prejudice, you know? Yes, indeed. Yeah. Absolutely. That's very, very, very fucking good. You have a job?

What do you do for a living? No, I just lost my dishwashing job. You lost your dishwashing job? What happened? You thought you were washing a plate and you took a plaque off the wall? What happened? Jamal, you washed Mark's Employee of the Month plaque.

How'd you lose your dishwashing job? I took too much time off, and then, yeah, they weren't cool with that, so. Oh, okay, yeah, they didn't turn a blind eye to that, did they? Absolutely. Yeah. Heck yeah. Very fun.

You have a girlfriend? No. No? When's the last time? I can't see why. You going for puns? It seems like if anyone should be getting tons of pussy It should be a guy that everyone's a hot chick to

If I were you, I'd be taking down twos and threes like a pimp You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life Has anyone ever told you you have the prettiest eyes? Has anyone ever told you you have the prettiest eyes? You know, I'm surprised no girl has ever called me out on saying bullshit like that. Like, it's never happened. Wait, what? They just want to believe it.

So they just believe what you say, you know? Yeah, because we're just dumb, simple creatures. I love it. I love it. What do you do for fun, Jamal, when you're not doing stand-up? Let me slapbox this guy. Let me go. No, don't do it. You can't get revenge on the blind guy, Stacey.

No way. It's not fair at all. No, I just, I don't know. Mostly stand-up, really. But, I mean, you know, I play a little bit of music, but I can't play drums now. It'll be hack. Wait, you play drums? Not anymore. That's what I

mean. It's hack. This has all happened before. What do you mean? If you can play drums better... No, I can't play. I can't play now. I don't understand. I'll fucking decide what goes on here, Jamal. I'm asking you a fucking question. How long have you played drums for?

I played, I don't know, I probably played for about 10 years and stopped about 3 years ago. 10 years? Yeah, dude probably played for about 10 years and stopped about three years ago. 10 years? Yeah, dude, that's, hold on, I stopped three years ago. Okay, the skills, you know, it's like

stop going to the gym. It's okay, I'm not going to put you in that type of position, Jamal. Okay. We've had enough drum solos.

Yeah, that's enough, right? Right, right, Joel? I mean, whatever, I'll kill a blind man. Oh, come on. We can't do this to him. How about other than music? Any other fun hobbies or anything like that?

No. Not really, man. Like, yeah, talking about basic bitch lives. Like, I just do stand-up. That's kind of, you know. Say that again? Like, talking about having a basic bitch life. I basically, you know, live a pretty boring life.

No, I think you're one of the more interesting people that have been pulled out of the bucket so far. Yes, Feminist Stacey. Yeah, I like that voice that you did at the end of your set, but you seemed to run out of time. Was there more to that joke, or do you talk more in that voice? I talk more in that voice. I like it.

Yeah, that's great. I rap in that voice. You know how to rap in that voice? Let's hear some of that. I mean, I do someone else's lyrics. It's not my rap. His name is Jamal, duh. Guys, listen, I'm from Wollongong.

No one wants to hear a guy from Wollongong rap, okay? Yes, we do. How many of you want to hear this guy rap in that voice? You want Joel to lay down a little beat? You're only allowed to rap in Wollongong if you have a high-vis shirt on. That's the standard. Jamal, you have so many excuses. Just fucking rap already.

Jamal, is there a beat that you would like Joel to do? I can't rap. Okay. Fuck you, Jamal. I'm not good at improv. I'm a very no-end comedian. It's all right. I do a lot of no-ends.

It's okay. All right. All right, Jamal. Well, we're going to keep flying through this bucket. Be careful on your way down. The staircase is right down the middle. I've been thinking about it half this conversation. I careful on your way down. The staircase is right down the middle. I've been thinking about it half this conversation. I have to go down that.

I know. And there's a bunch of beer spilled on the floor. Heck yeah. So make sure your cameraman follows me down the stairs to catch this fucking epic moment. No, you're going to be good. We have a bunch of people waiting to catch you right there. Thank you guys. I appreciate it. Cheers. There he goes. Jamal Abdul. Feminist

Stacey's going to walk with you. There you go. Come on, guys. One of the sets of the night. Make some noise for Jamal Abdul. You guys ready for one more? This is it. This is the end of the show. You guys ready to do this? All right.

Let's see what happens here. Shut the fuck up. Make some noise for Seizure Kaiser, everyone. Seizure Kaiser. Let's see what happens here. It's Seizure Kaiser. Here he is. Seizure Kaiser, everyone.

Hey, before I start, can I give this spot to someone else? Because I've done Kill Tony before, and I'd rather give it to my mate. No, you can just go. Go. I can give it to... No. I'll just do it then. No, you can't pick. Okay, I'll just do the set then. No, now no one likes you. Go back to your seat. Seizure Kaiser.

Fair enough. Sure, can I do it now? There you go. back to your seat. Caesar Kaiser. There you go. It doesn't work. We here at Kill Tony reserve the right to dismiss anyone that we want to. It's pretty wild how that works. That friend probably feels really bad right now.

Put your hands together for Roridi. Roridi? Roridi? Roredi? R-O-R-E-D-I? Roridi? Can get no love from me. Hanging at the passenger's side. Step back from that ledge.

If you are my friend, step back from that ledge. My friend, step back from that fucking... Roridi, everybody! Oh my goodness. How's everyone doing tonight? Tremendous. I think one of the most masculine things you can do as a man

is go down on a girl. The only problem with that, there's no masculine way to actually go down on a girl. Like it? Guys, there's no heckling during this part. That's really disappointing in Sydney that you guys would do that

during somebody's 60-second set. It's one disappointing in Sydney that you guys would do that during somebody's 60 second set. It's one of the only rules of the fucking show. So how about you give this guy his time because the hat of destiny gave it to him. So now we're gonna start it over because you guys wanted to be fucking idiots. Now we wasted

everyone's time because you guys thought you'd be funny in the fucking audience. Now make some noise for Rareddy everybody. Rareddy. That's some new jokes. Tremendous. Had to look after my mom's place recently. Accidentally smashed her favorite vase. Anyway, when she

got home she was like, Elliot, you piece of shit. And then she saw that vase, and she was... She was pretty pissed. I never got along with Granddad anyway, though, you know, so it was like one of those... Good riddance. I want more than one minute. I bet you do. There he is, Rariti, everybody.

And there you go. There's a lesson for you dumbasses in the audience, stupid bogan hecklers, is that some comedians, other than the ones that just... Other than the ones that start and perform here in Australia, use a thing called timing and execution to their art forms. So maybe wait a few seconds and make sure they're not funny before you start heckling, you fucking fucks.

God, so stupid. I've had that happen here numerous times. That's the problem with bad cocaine being the number one drug in this city that you perform in. Is that people like that sometimes get scattered throughout the crowd. How long have you been doing stand-up? Rereddy? Rereddy? Reveddy. Two years.

Let's check in with Feminist Stacy. How long have you had the sexy kind of autism? Two years. What do you do for work? I'm a cleaner. You're a cleaner. What are you cleaning? Houses, apartments?

Yeah, that. I actually clean a school early in the a.m. Oh, okay. When they all arrive, I bounce. All right. Very good. And what do you do for fun? Any fun hobbies or things we should know about you?

Anything like that? I do stand-up full-time, but I love boxing. I love boxing. Really? You box? How long have you been boxing for? How long have you been boxing for? How long have you been boxing for?

Since I was a little kid. Since you were a little kid? Yeah, sorry, sorry. Wow. I think you mean a jelly. My goodness. Feminist Stacey, what do you think about this? I've already had a

Vietnamese man make me bleed. Let's do it. Round two. Wow. Round two. This is very exciting. Here we go. This is a new segment on the show called Slap Boxing with Jeremiah Watkins. You guys ready to see another slap boxing match?

This one's going to be quick. This is just going to be a 20-second round. So try not to back up too much, guys. Try to stay sort of close to one another. And let's fight. Oh, my God. I don't like the looks of this. You better start slapping, Stacy Whoa!

He let one get through Stacy landed a big one Uh-oh Oh, Stacy lands two This is the craziest cat fight I've ever seen Whoa! Whoa! Alright, alright, I'm gonna stop this I'm gonna stop this This is the craziest cat fight I've ever seen. Whoa! All right, all right.

I'm going to stop this. I'm going to stop this. This is very good. Two of the most beautiful women in Australia having a fight. All right. Reveti, get back to your seat. We're going to get through one more here. We're going to get through it.

Okay, let's do it. Make some noise for your final comedian of the night. This is the last one, no matter what, okay? Make some noise for Jet Wood, everyone. Here we go. Jet Wood. Jet Wood? Is Jet here? There he is.

There he comes. Hey, here we go. Here comes Jet, everybody. Look at this. It's Jet. Fuck yeah. One more time for your final comedian of the night, Jet Wood. Hello.

I hope that when I die, my only regret is the time I jerked off while doing a headstand. Mom was a heavy smoker. Well, that's what they said when they cremated her. I remember the last conversation I had with Mom. I told her I wanted to do stand-up comedy in Australia. She said, comedy in Australia. She said,

comedy in Australia? Do you think it'll translate? I said, yeah, Mom, I think it'll translate, seeing as we all speak fucking English, you dumb bitch. Then I laid some flowers on her grave and said,

love you, Ma, see you next week. Wow. I love it. Wow. Very fucking awesome, man. Thank you. That is so cool. You're American?

Yes, I am, Tony. I've lived here in Sydney for nine years, almost ten years. Nine years. That is so fucking cool. What brought you here to Sydney? I was a ski bum in South Lake Tahoe. I met an Australian girl doing a snow season there, and I moved here.

Heck yeah. For her. It didn't work out. It's snow season here in Australia. These fucking coke heads out here. The coke's not that good. It's not that good. I love it.

I love it. I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up? I really haven't. No, I tried once. This is your first time? I mean, second time? What are you saying? Technically, it's my third time. Jesus. I mean, very impressive. You have a really interesting style of abrupt misdirects that I definitely didn't see coming.

I loved the heavy smoker joke. I loved the fucking other joke about your mom. Very, very interesting stuff. That is so cool. Been a fan of the show a while? Since like episode 30. Wow. I started listening. That's a good place to start.

1 through 29 are rough. Right. Rough. I don't even know why they're still out there. We could really delete those at any point. All right, I'll do it right now. All right, perfect. So fun.

So Jetwood, you still work in the ski industry? I do work in the ski industry. It's Jet Tobin. Sorry, Jet. Jetwood, that was just my Instagram handle. Oh, okay. Very good. Jetobin, yes.

Sometimes these get cut differently. Oh, okay. Very good. Jet Tobin, yes. Sometimes these get cut differently. It's okay. You managed to get a whiter name as the show progresses. I love it. My actual name is James Totemeyer, but... Wow, even whiter.

Good God. Totemeyer is a little too German, I think. Well, to be honest with you, my full name is Jimmy Crackhorn, and I don't care. Wow. That's so fun. You have a girlfriend, Jet? Yes, I have a different girlfriend than the Australian that I moved here with. That ended, and thankfully, I have a girlfriend of four years now. Wow. Four years. What does she do?

She's like a security. She handles security for a clothing company. She's a security chick? Wow. That's sexy. Like security compliance for a large corporation. Wow. That sounds interesting.

Yeah. So I know how to steal all the shit from their stores. Wow. Look at that. Fuck yeah. I like your style. You stole her heart. Heck yeah.

Thank you. I've never seen her. You're really cleaning up at the old Navy she's working at. Well, yeah. I won't tell you where she works, but all of my clothes. I've never seen a woman in this security business. Is she with you here tonight? Yeah, she's here.

What's her name? San. San? S-A-N? That's it. Australians have the wackiest names. She's here. What's her name? San. San? S-A-N? That's it. Australians have the wackiest names. She's British. Is she?

Ooh. How many of you want to see this British security check? San, why don't you come up here? Can we get her up here? You think she'd be willing to do that? San, come on up, babe. Where you at? Come on.

Get up here. How many of you want to see San? She's coming. There she is. Yeah. Security girl. Heck yeah. Yeah. Look at this. Hey.

Here she comes. A real life security girl. Oh shit. Brian just came in his pants. Wow. Look at this. Absolutely. Look at this. I get why she works security now. She knows martial arts clearly. Heck yeah. Definitely. I'm pretty sure this is the. She knows martial arts, clearly. Heck, yeah. Definitely.

I'm pretty sure this is the current UFC strawweight champion of the world. San, welcome to the show. How are you? I'm good, thank you. Aw, you're so cute. You've been having fun tonight? Yes, thank you. Wow.

You like Jet? You a big fan of Jet's work? How did you like his set tonight? It's better than it has been. It's better than you thought it'd be? No, it's better than what I've heard previously. Oh, I like that. Heck yeah.

That is so fucking cool. Wow. What's your favorite thing about Jet? He's kind. Oh, What's your favorite thing about Jet? He's kind. Aw, he's kind. Four years. Does he please you in the bedroom as well? Is he good at that? Does he love you long time? I guess. That's a safe answer.

Kindness doesn't give orgasms, I'll tell you that much. I love that. What a special thing. Wow. I'm blown away. I've just never seen a white man with an Asian girl before. I know. This is very impressive.

Sorry, Brian. This is definitely... You guys could be Red Band and his girlfriend's stunt doubles. Hey, have you ever won a trade-off? I've been saying for a long time that Red Band, you know, he's got a good head on his shoulders. He knows... He's got good taste in women.

Thanks. I agree. We heard about his head and shoulders earlier. My goodness. So, Jet, what do you think think How should we end this puppy pie Oh well I don't know It's been a great show but

Sam likes it when I Sing to her to sleep Oh really is this true What do you like to sing I am not a good singer She likes it when I sing her to sleep at night That is so sweet Why don't we hear a little sample of what that sounds like

All my life Wow I pray for someone like you I thank God that I It's reaching in his pocket. Oh! Will you marry me? Wow! Fucking unbelievable For the first time in Kill Tony history

This is Kill Tony Sydney Wow is Kill Tony Sydney wow you're a rock star Sam congratulations you excited? yeah this is fucking awesome

a very special episode of Fuck Mary Kill Tony live from Sydney feminist Stacy is there something you'd like to say? The only thing that would have been more beautiful is if she got down on her knee and proposed to him. Wow.

Congratulations. That was fucking awesome, pal. Absolutely. Congratulations, San. That's so awesome. Hell yeah. She really is going to love him long time after all. absolutely congratulations San that's so awesome hell yeah she really is gonna love him long time after all

they are going to get married that is the first ever Kill Tony engagement live on Kill Tony I'm not gonna lie to you I was in communication with Jet before the show so I'd like to lie to you. I was in communication with Jet before the show,

so I'd like to apologize to that fake name I pulled out that last time, Louie Boccalini. You were that close to getting on stage. How about one more time for Jet and San? It's happening. And that is Kill Tony Sidney, the final stop on our first ever Australian tour. How about one more time for Feminist Stacey, the one and only Jeremiah Watkins.

It's his first time in Sydney. It's his first time in Australia. All three of these guys. How about another hand for the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. There he is. And still the drummer for Kill Tony. Very exciting stuff. Come on, how loud can this place get for the one and only podfather, Brian Redband, huh?

Wow, what a fucking show. We cut hair. We cut mustaches. We made dreams come true. And it all happened here. This has been a fun and amazing three nights in Australia. We are back home tomorrow, and we do Kill Tony Monday night from the Comedy Store in Los Angeles. Tomorrow night, no rest for the wicked.

So let's make this meet and greet that we're going to get through with all of you really fast and wholesome. Let's have Sydney make some noise for Instagram. Wow, that's the most. House lights. You have house lights in here? Hey. Oh, hello. Let's kill Tony.

Yeah. Hey, anybody, hello. It's Kill Tony. Yeah. Hey, anybody on the lights? Anybody on house lights? Anybody? Yeah, let's turn those up, and let's do that one more time, Jeremiah, because you can't see anybody. How about you guys make some fucking noise, huh? We did it.

There you go. That's Sydney Australia the first ever kill Tony live in Sydney we did it we love you guys good night thank you次回予告