KILL TONY - KILL TONY #410

Episode Date: November 4, 2019

Daniel Van Kirk, Lara Beitz, David Lucas, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 10/28/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Want to travel the world? International Experience Canada provides opportunities for young Canadians to get a work permit in over 35 countries and territories. Visit Canada.ca slash IEC. A message from the Government of Canada. Hey, I just got us a new Coca-Cola Spice. Nice. What's it taste like? It's like barefoot water skiing while dolphins click with glee.

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19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, DeathSquad.TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. November 7th, we're going to be in Washington, D.C. The first show sold out, so we added a second show, and it's almost sold out.

November 10th, we'll be at the Gramercy Theater in New York. December 12th will be in Columbus, Ohio at the Newport Music Hall. December 14th will be in Pittsburgh at the Rex Theater. December 15th will be in Cleveland at the House of Blues. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. ShopSquad.tv, that's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. There you have the new Kill Tony shirt.

You also have some hats, some Death Squad shirts, and a bunch of stuff. That's ShopSquad.tv. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have his own stand-up comedy tour dates, some merchandise. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. And last but not least, Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist.

He has a new Kill Tony book. It's on Amazon or RyanJEbelt.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hatchclad! Come on, guys. We flew back from Australia today for this. You guys excited to be here or what?

Still just half-ass. All right. Not quite that Australian thunder that we're used to. Hey, it's Brian Redman, everybody! How exciting. We are back. The great Ryan J. Ebelt is here, everyone. Look at that. Drawing tonight's episode. The author of Kill Tony,

the book just came out. The newest version. Book number two and book number three just came out. The link is live two and book number three just came out uh the link is live on amazon as of right now this it features every single one of the episodes that he's ever drawn and all of the uh tour posters as well so that's all at ryanjebelt.com or you can get it straight off amazon so uh how exciting is this how about a hand for Ryan J.E. Belt? Big famous book is out now. We just got back from Australia. Today we performed Sunday Night in Sydney, Australia,

a sold-out, crazy-ass show that featured our first time ever having a marriage proposal in the episode. She said yes, thank God. I was going to play the Hulk theme if she didn't. There you go. And the fun just keeps moving along. in the episode. She said yes, thank God. I was going to play the Hulk theme if she didn't. There you go. And the fun just keeps moving along. I am going to New York on a secret mission this weekend,

watching Nate Diaz fight and doing some other fun things. If you're around New York City this weekend, you might see me secretly pop in somewhere to do stand-up comedy. But then the fun continues the next week as we all go to Washington, D.C. for the first time. Two packed Kill Tony shows there and then an entire weekend of stand-up comedy. Four stand-up comedy shows that I'm headlining that also features guest spots from all the cast of your favorite Kill Tony members. Then we go to Columbus, December 12th.

Pittsburgh, the 14th of December in Cleveland on the 15th. And that's going to be a lot of fun. Pro Wrestling fans, November 23rd, my wrestling podcast, The Store Horseman, has an event here called Storkade, where we're putting a wrestling ring in the middle of the fucking main room. And we're going to have a massive wrestling event here.

And that's very exciting stuff. Jeremiah Watkins also headlining on the road now. The little baby gorilla is all grown up He's headlining Huntington Beach November 16th, St. Louis The 29th through 30th of November Kansas City, December 19th to 21st

San Diego, December 6th And January 2nd through the 4th He's headlining Chicago Zanies Rosemont Which is very exciting stuff He's out there headlining He's a real fucking grown-up comedian. This is exciting. Speaking of grown-up comedians, let's start the show, shall we?

We have two guests tonight. As always, two of the funniest humans in the world. Unfortunately, Tim Dillon had a last-minute major event, and he has rescheduled for a couple weeks from now. And next week we have Bonnie McFarlane. Rich? Yes. Someone else very exciting.

I'll look it up. Not Rich Voss? Nope, not Rich Voss. But tonight is no exception to our amazing comedian rule. I present to you a person coming back for their second time and someone for their first time. Put your hands together for the great Laura Bites and Daniel Van Kirk. Wow.

How exciting. Laura, sit over here. Sit next to me. I always like the first time guests to sit next to me just in case I have to elbow you to tell you to shut the fuck up at some point during the show.

Thank you. Welcome to the show. This is Laura's first time on the show. Let me give you the quick rundown. Lara, nobody, I don't think in the nicest way possible, I don't think anybody here knew who Lara was a year ago.

And now, she's one of the most feared comedians to go up after at the comedy store. And that is no exaggeration or a joke. She's an absolute monster. She's an absolute monster. She's been destroying. She opens for Pete Holmes and Eliza Schlesinger. I'd imagine you bury Eliza pretty deeply.

No. No, you're not allowed to say that as an opener, right? I haven't even... I only opened for her once, and then she asked me to open for her in Vegas, and that's coming up. That's good. She's so oblivious. She probably has no idea that you're giving the people their money's worth before she even gets out there. She's a great comedian. She's a great comedian that you're giving the people their money's worth before she even gets out there. She's a great comedian.

She's a great comedian. Absolutely. Keep getting that work, baby girl. 100%. Laura Bites is headlining two shows this Thursday on Halloween at the Two Bit Circus on the fourth wall, 8 p.m. and 8.30. And hello, Daniel Van Kirk is back, everyone. Hello. Hi, everybody.

Stone Cold Killer. And I'm not saying that just because he looks like Stone Cold. Oh, hell, yeah. Hello. Hi, everybody. Stone Cold Killer. And I'm not saying that just because he looks like Stone Cold. Oh, hell yeah. Hey. That's the bottom line. I'm just out here working for the working man

trying to make them ducats. I always can't believe how good your impressions are. Well, it's debatable. He has on pre-sale right now his debut album, Thanks, Diane, is out on iTunes right now and it's debatable. He has on pre-sale right now his debut album. Thanks, Diane. It's out on iTunes right now, and it's for sale everywhere.

November 15th. DanielVanKirk.com. And he's headlining throughout the Midwest in the middle of November. He's going to Cincy, Louisville, Nashville, Milwaukee, and his hometown of? Rochelle, Illinois. Rochelle, Illinois. Rochelle, Illinois. So many killers come out of Rochelle. Am I right?

Me and Joan Allen. Who is it? Joan Allen. Who's Joan Allen? Come on, player. No, I don't know. You didn't see Death Race 2000? Nope.

Right? Yeah, it's great. She's also nominated for two Oscars. But let's just talk about fucking Death Race. She was a mom in Pleasantville. She was the one who masturbated. Yes, she was. Get that black and white puss. Hell yeah.

I did not know that. I don't think I can write things down with my vape pen. So if David Deary is listening, I need a Sharpie marker. I'm sure he's listening, right? There you go, Brandon. How about a hand for Brandon, the intern? He picks up all the slack when David Deary's out running around making pizzas. Oh, David Deary coming in, making sure he doesn't lose his job.

Look at that. Maybe that'll be the new thing. We'll just start complimenting how good Brandon, the intern, is to get David to actually do his job here. So much fun stuff. But, you know, we keep a great team of people around us. You can bet that it will always be that way. And speaking of betting, I love betting.

I go to MyBookie. It's fast, it's easy, and they pay you when you win. Let's face it. Where you're betting is just as important as who you're betting on. I wouldn't be telling you guys to bet with them if they weren't the absolute best. I mean, if you found $100 on the street, would you pick it up or would you keep walking? I'd take the money.

So why do you keep picking winners and not betting on them? Do the smart thing. If you're going to... Do the smart thing. If you're going to bet this football season, bet with my bookie. Did you know you could bet on games after the kickoff? If by the second half it looks like your bet

is going to lose, you could always switch to the other team. That's crazy. I've never even heard of that before. Why would they let you do that? If you're the kind of guy that likes to bet a little and win a lot, try a parlay. If all your picks come through, you'll multiply your winnings, and no matter how you bet, this NFL season is the best time of the year.

And that's why I only guest on podcasts that run ads for mybookie.com. That's mybookie.com. That's right. And if you join now, mybookie will double your first deposit. Use promo code Tony to activate the offer. That's promo code Tony.

Visit mybookie.ag today. You play, you win, you get paid. That's a fun little... Nailed it. Got it. It's in there. We have a band on this show, everybody. How many of you guys like this show? Oh, okay. There you are.

There it is. There's the audience. Every single episode, the band commits to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. They were in a separate dressing room, as always, from us today. And sometimes it's the return of characters that we've seen before. Like this last night in Sydney, they were Feminist Stacy and Feminist Macy.

Crowd went wild. Some of their more famous characters ever. And we also had the wildlife experts down there and some other fun things. So let's see what they are tonight. Put your hands together for the best damn band in the land. It's the kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.

Oh God. Remember these? Oh my God. Here we go. How exciting. How exciting is this? Literally the worst characters in the history of the show. Famously my least favorite characters that have ever been on. They've only been on one other time. It was a debacle because everybody feels bad for them, because anyone with common sense would, it is the return of the mental patients, everyone. Wow.

This is very, very exciting. Hilarious and exciting. So remind me of, he's got pills falling out of his mouth, like a typical mental patient. Just a reminder that if you have a mental disorder of any kind seek help seek treatment take care of yourself and uh it is no laughing matter but uh okay brody get out of here we don't know no get him out of here yes no you got it how dare you all right all right brody Come on. There he is.

I snuck into Cedars-Sinai. I know the back route. Yes. Okay. All right. Okay. Very good. All right, guys.

There you go. I went to Children's Hospital because I like small beds. You got it. Yes. All right. All right. All right, guys. Okay.

Everybody settle down here. Look what you already started. Remind me of your name, mental patient. Hi. I'm Sid. Hi, Sid. Heck yeah, you still bringing that same energy as last time, huh? Or is it Cindy?

I don't know. Oh, we've added another element to the character. Very good. Heck yeah, this is exciting. And back here we have what appears to be one of the Mexicans in cages. Locked down in... Heck yeah, what's going on, pal? Oh, you know, just jet-lagged as ever. Feeling kind of crazy.

The rare jet-lagged mental patient. We fly everywhere in our minds. Wow. What's your name, cowboy? Giuseppe. Oh, Giuseppe, yes, that makes sense. We fly everywhere in our minds. Wow. What's your name, cowboy? Giuseppe. Oh, Giuseppe. Yes, that makes sense. So many authentic Italian people with mental health issues.

Very good, Giuseppe. Well, we got Giuseppe and Sid. Sid looking better than ever. I mean, new haircut on you and everything. Looking good. You guys ready to start the show? We have mental patients. We have Lara Bites. We have Daniel Van Kirk.

Red band soundboard. Which brings me to this, everyone. It's the real life bucket of destiny. A bunch of people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage uninterrupted and then talk with us. I interview you, find out more about your life. Maybe there'll be a marriage proposal. Maybe someone will kill themselves tonight. Who knows what can

happen? Kill Tony. Anything can happen. You know your 60 seconds uninterrupted is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're gonna bring out the hometown angry West Hollywood bear. There he is. He's back. We've been dealing with kangaroos all weekend

in Australia. Now there's a bear. You guys ready to start the show? It's always so sad when we come back to Los Angeles after going out and being in front of people that actually are excited to see us. Are you guys ready for this fucking show? Yeah. Oh, there you go.

There you go. There you go. Hell yeah. That's the type of energy I like. Let's get the show started. I pulled the name out of the bucket. This person has great handwriting. I'm excited about this.

Make some noise for Jenny Burnett. Here we go. Here we go. Kill Tony, live from the Comedy Store. And it has begun. Here comes Jenny, everybody. Heck yeah. It's good to be home.

One more time for Jenny Burnett. Thank you. Thank you. My therapist told me that I remind her of her ex-husband. Yeah. Yeah. I don't get it. I don't know.

I don't know how I remind her of a 60-year-old Jewish man, but I thought about it, and I think it's because I talk and she doesn't listen. She's always like, so Jenny, how's the improv going? And I'm like, oh, it's stand-up, but good, you know. And, like, literally the last time I saw her, she was like, so is it theater? Are you acting? Like, no, stand-up, but yeah, it's going good.

I think I'd be a good therapist. Yeah. I would just be like, so there's a lot to unpack there. It's like... Hell yeah, absolutely. Jenny Burnett in a very mental health friendly episode of Kill Tony. It's getting started here. A lot of talk about the therapist. How's it going, Jenny? This is your first time on the show, right?

Yeah, it is. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand up? Six months now. Six months. Heck yeah. And where are you from? Long Beach. Yeah. So many people from Long Beach come here. You drive that drive? What is that, about an hour?

Yeah. Just, yeah. Or just under, yeah. Heck yeah. Is this your first time at the Comedy Store? I've been here a few times. Yeah. Here, take a step back.

Stand between Jeremiah and Daniel here so the audience can see you. Welcome. Thank you. Thank you. So, yeah. Welcome yeah, welcome Jenny. Is that all true? Did your therapist tell you that you remind her of her ex-husband? It is true. And how did she rationalize it? What did she say

when you're like, what do you mean? Was it because you just lay around on her couch every time she sees you? Yeah. Yeah, she I didn't really, like, question. It was, like, one of those weird things that, because she was kind of, like, a character.

So I was already, like, I don't know if I'm going to stick with her or not, but this might be helping. I don't know. How long have you, that was the first time you saw her? Yeah. No, no, no, not the first time. That was, like, I don't know, like, the fourth time. How long have you been seeing a therapist?

Oh, like a year. A year. Is there a certain reason? Is it worth talking about for you? Is that something that... Just to better myself. In what way? What do you mean?

I don't know. I have a lot of anxiety, so it helps to talk about it. Does your therapist's husband have the same hair as Weird Al Yankovic? Oh, boy. There we go. Quite possibly. Oh, Arthur. That's fun.

Can I point out that in your answer to one of the questions is actually a great joke that you just said when when you asked like how do you feel about her and you said well I don't really know if I should stay with her or not I'm just trying to see if she's gonna help that's those are follow-ups to the like in your setup of like how you feel about her as an ex like possibly like maybe I am her ex-husband I can't decide if she's the one for me. I keep thinking about other therapists that probably would be better fit for me and what I like out of a person.

You just said three great jokes that would fit right into what you just did. Oh, solid, yeah. Okay. Maybe, I don't know. Hell yeah, thank you. Got a little prescription prescribed to you on your therapist jokes look at that

take that any advice from the mental health patients over here you guys specialize in therapy go deep inside your mind and you'll find enlightenment it's so sad this is like the deep edited scenes from the new

Joker movie on the editing room floor just so deep This is like the deep edited scenes from the new Joker movie. On the editing room floor, just so deep. How about you back there? Anything from you, Giuseppe? I'm just wondering how this aborigine snuck back with us to America. Oh, come on. All right. That's a deep reference there.

How dare you? They don't have black people in Australia. Well, what ethnicity are you, Jenny? What would you consider? I'm biracial. I'm half black, half white. Half black, half white. I would have guessed that you were bi. Heck yeah. Black dad, white mom?

Yes. Very cool. Are they still together? They are. Wow, that's interesting. It's always surprising when those ones last. Those are usually little temp relationships. You know what I mean? Either you hit it and quit it or you hit it and

sit it or something like that. I don't know if that makes sense. My dad is black as well because he's a shadow of my past. Hey, Sid. Damn, Sid. Heck yeah, that was deep, Sid. Damn, Sid. Heck yeah, that was deep, bro. What do you do for work? I was working at SpaceX,

but I got laid off for years. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wow, wait. You know, just your new comedian from the LB working at SpaceX. Yeah, exactly. Doing what? I was a precision inspector.

What's that? So first I started as a composite technician, like building parts, and then I transitioned into inspection. So just looking at parts, passing them, good or bad. Yeah. Why'd you get it laid off? I thought they were doing good. They just had a weird

company-wide layoff. Like, earlier this year, it was like 10% of the company, and I was one of those 10%. That's funny. I actually worked in tech support before I was a comedian, and it was inappropriate

to my personality. I like you. I like your curly hair. Oh, thank it was inappropriate to my personality. I like you. I like your curly hair. I like your confidence. I think for being six months deep, especially you have great stage presence. I'm into it. Cool.

Thank you. If you're black and white, does that mean I can or cannot touch your hair? That's a good question. It is a good question. It's a great question. I love it. It's her choice. I know that.

Could really go 50% on that. My discretion, I guess. I love it. Those are some tight curls. You have Jenny Burnett, and congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. Way to start the show here on Kill Tony. Jenny Burnett is on Instagram at Jenny Burnett underscore.. You got pulled out of the bucket. Way to start the show here on Kill Tony. Jenny Burnett is on

Instagram at Jenny Burnett underscore. All one word. Jenny Burnett underscore. Hell yeah. In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping. Promo code searching. It takes

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Conditions apply. This episode is brought to you by Starbucks. Welcome back winter with a Starbucks drink in hand. Whether you've been waiting for a pistachio latte and pistachio cream cold brew, or are in the mood to shake things up with the new iced hazelnut O'Shaken espresso, need to cozy up with a tea latte? There should be nothing stopping you from achieving all your goals.

You've got this. And it has begun. Absolutely. That's cool. Pulled another name out of the bucket bucket make some noise for Kyle Gridley Kyle Gridley is next on Kill Tony fun train just keeps moving along

chugga chugga choo choo Kyle Gridley here he comes here comes Kyle everyone hell yeah that second guest is Moshe Kesher. It's Bonnie McFarlane and Moshe Kesher next week. Kyle Gridley, everybody.

What's up? What's up? Everyone chilling, living, doing it? Right. Okay. My name is Kyle. All right. I drink booze.

I smoke pot. I would do more cocaine if it weren't for my allergies. I have so much fun in my throat. I want to blame myself, though, because I've been doing these things called dabs. Everyone here know what dabs are? Yeah, dabs, or as I call it, sleepy meth. I'm going to take this brown crystal, and I'm going to light some glass on fire. It'll be fun. Hey, hey, not everyone can handle a dab. All right, but everyone can get one. Okay.

I remember I used to go to the suspensory. If you spent $20 or more, they would give you a free dab and then expect you to drive home. What? That's crazy. Hey, hey, I see you bought out two grams of weed for you and your buddy, so go ahead and do this dab and forget how to open your eyes. That's it. I'm done. Kyle Gridley.

Absolutely. He's doing dabs. He's drinking. He's smoking, this guy. How are you, man? I'm okay. Yeah, all right. What's up, guy?

Hey, how are you? Okay. Don't touch the talent. Don't touch the talent. Sorry? I'm okay. Yeah, all right. What's up, guy? Hey, how are you? Okay. Don't touch the talent. Don't touch the talent. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Not you.

I've been telling him. You're the talent. Daniel, you're the talent. Well, we'll find out. Of course, this does look like the kid from the original Nightmare on Elm Street all grown up. Kill me. Looking thick. Absolutely.

Kyle, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for six years. It's been okay. How long have you been the son of Matt Foley, motivational speaker? I'm 24. Perfect.

Thank you. Oh, wow. Where have you been doing it for six years? I started at Flappers in Claremont. It's shut down now. Shout out. Second worst club in America. Alright. And then I've been doing

stand-up in Orange County for the last five years. Wow. Five. Heck yeah. Absolutely. And what do you do for work? It's going to start out with the words right now. I like that. You're right. I work at 4 in the morning.

Is that the name of a diner? I work for In-N-Out Burger. What do you do for In-N-Out? I do the custodial work. You do the custodial work at an In-N-Out Burger. What do you do for In-N-Out? I do the custodial work. You do the custodial work at an In-N-Out? Yeah, what's up? My hands are so calloused. I'm cut up.

I have chemical burns. Wow. I clean the fryers. I scrub the floors. Okay, relax. Breathe a little bit. Breathe a little bit. We know what a fucking custodian is, okay?

I scrub the floors, plunge the toilets. If there's ever anything wrong, I take care of it. This is incredible. Are Mexicans evolving to look more white? Is that what's happening? I'm half Guatemalan. Wow, okay. You really are a custodian.

That's interesting. That's your lead material. Walk on stage and say, I am a janitor. Yeah, exactly. 100%. That is powerful stuff. I make some money. In-N-Out Burger. Shout out to George. Shout out to Mike.

You guys are cool. Thank you. Someone's trying to double-double how much they get paid. Animal style. They'll bonus me out. It's weird that you work at In-N-Out because you look like a Bob's Burgers character Joel Berg's in the house I am a Bob's Burgers character

yes I am what's the name of your character on Bob's Burgers his name is Flips White Fudge and he taught Bob how to break dance in the Valentine's Day episode Daniel Van Kerk everybody that's hip hop you guys are both television stars Times Day episode. Daniel Van Kerk, everybody. That's hip-hop. That's hip-hop.

Heck yeah. You guys are both television stars. Lara just destroyed on Lights Out with David Spade last week. You guys have a great panel here today. Powerful. Hey, I noticed you brought your beer on stage to do one minute of stand-up. Can you tell us a little bit about that? Yeah. With the fires in California, the smoke, my allergies are really terrible.

It's got nothing to do with what I asked you. No, you're right. Nothing at all. I can't even make the connection in my head. No, you're right. My throat gets dry. So I'm going to just drink the... I bet it does. Go ahead, Sid.

Also, you can never be too careful, because boys can get roofied too. There you go. That's actually very true. It is true. So, you have any special skills or talents? Anything like that, Kyle? Seem like

very good. Pretty, I mean, I mean mean i can uh not really uh i i pay so much attention to the news gosh yeah i mean you pay attention to the news is your special skill or talent i'm pretty up on it i'm pretty have you ever won a trophy of any kind have you ever uh been competitive at anything at all in your life? I played football at a junior college in Victorville. I play in the NFL. Yes. He already told you he cleans the toilet.

Honestly, I'm pretty good at it. I'm actually generally talented at it. Wow. What's your love life like? Is in and out custodian work getting you all the pussy? I mean, they pay okay. I don't know. Sex is fine. Sex is great. The people I've been having sex with,

they could be better. Are you fucking kidding me? This guy fucks and he's got the fucking audacity to say the people he has sex with could be better. So there's some girl being like, so I just fucked this in and out, janitor. And you know what?

It couldn't be any better. He's punching down. Oh my god. Wow. That's because he probably goes on dates and he's like, yeah, I'm a comedian. I perform on the main stage at the comedy store. Check out my Instagram. What's your favorite thing you've ever done in stand-up comedy?

Six years in the game. It's Orange County, six years. So that's like four months LA time. Wait, say that one more time. Sorry, I missed it. I was thinking about it. You don't need to hear it. I bought a camera with some credit cards.

It's got four megapixels. It's got a loop so it doesn't fall off my wrist. Have you always talked that way, or is this a thing that you've realized at like year five you're like I gotta start trying different shit I heard one Bobcat

album Do the girls you take out ask you if you want the pussy in the bag or are you gonna eat it in your car It's Jolbert It's Jolbert He has arrived His flight was delayed

He got here a little bit After us Well Kyle, first time on Kill Tony Congratulations to you Nice to meet you There he goes, Kyle Gridley everyone On to the next one Let's keep flying through this

Hell yeah Thank you, yes Gridley, everyone. On to the next one. Let's keep flying through this. Hell yeah. Thank you. Yes. I'll be damned if you ever see me high-five a custodian. Have you done anything interesting? I bought a camera. Yeah.

That was also his hobby and his specialty. All right. I like to eat butterflies. This looks like a name. I like to eat butterflies. This looks like a name we've seen before. Make some noise for Colin Shoemaker. Here we go. Colin Shoemaker. Hey. Hey.

I wish you would step back from that Step back from that ledge Colin Shoemaker, everyone. What's up? I was hooking up with a girl recently, and I took all my clothes off in front of her, and she was like, wow, your body's not as disgusting as I thought it was going to be. I was like, you think that's a compliment or something? Like, what the fuck? So later that night, I went soft in her mouth. On purpose, to spite

her. Fuck, dude. You guys are laughing a little too hard about that, all right? Fuck you guys. I like transgenders. I'm all about transgender rights. I think we need to make sports more inclusive for transgenders. You guys on board with this? Hell yeah. Right?

Because the only thing that's going to make female sports interesting is when it's all men playing. The only thing that's going to make female sports interesting is when it's all men playing. We can bring back legends, Pele playing female soccer, Mike Tyson beating up women again. Floyd Mayweather never stopped. Colin Shoemaker.

Heck yes, Colin. You've been on this show before. Yes, sir. How long have you been doing stand-up? I ba-dum. Heck yes, Colin. You've been on this show before. Yes, sir. How long have you been doing stand-up? I think four months now. What were the highlights of the interview? What did we find out about you last time you were on this show? I worked on nuclear missiles right before I moved out here.

I was living out of my car at the time. Not now. Heck yeah, nuclear missiles. On this show so far, we have nuclear missiles, a former SpaceX strategist, and a custodian from In-N-Out. Just going to show you the diversity levels here on Kill Tony. Absolutely. Last time, Red Band asked if I could talk about anything top secret, and I was like, no. It's not top secret, but we drew dicks on like every missile silo like down in the

fucking shit like there's dicks drawn everywhere right so i i talked to one of my supervisors about like can i talk about that he's like no you can't talk about that so here i am why are you doing it then what the fuck well i'm not gonna get in any trouble i asked him if i'd get in any trouble he's like no no the podcast that you do it on will get in trouble. Nope. Not at all. A missile hit the comedy store tonight. With a dick on it. No. Wow. That's fun. What do you do for work

now? Still not working. Still go to school and get a housing allowance for the GI Bill. Let's check in with Sid over here. Remember when he paid back that girl and went soft in her mouth? He's got his mental health, mental patience. So they can

pretty much say anything. What did you mean by that? I got lost at that part. I must have missed it. You went soft in a girl's mouth. What was that? What was the joke? That was it. So, no, I took all my... Hold on. Let's check in with Lara here for just a second. Lara Bites. Yeah, I'll take this What was the joke? That was it. Let's check in with Lara here for just a second.

Lara Bites. Yeah, I'll take this one if it's all this. He meant that because she made him feel worse about himself, he made her feel bad about herself by losing his erection. So she felt undesirable. Did she actually say you're less disgusting than I thought, or did you exaggerate that for a bit? Those are her words. She said that you were less disgusting than...

She said, you're less disgusting than I thought. Your body's less disgusting than I thought it was going to be. What a fucking bitch. I was like, do you think that's a compliment? She was like, well, it's just like the clothes that you wear, you seem like you'd be fatter than you are. You're still saying I'm fat, dude. Fuck yeah, go soft in her mouth.

Fuck that. That's my guy right there. I like you. Four months in, fucking great job. Next time you do it, though, grab a salt shaker and pour it on your penis and let it dissolve like a slug. There you go.

Absolutely. Did you return the favor? Did you go down on her? Yeah. Yeah, did you draw a dick on her inner thigh Did you return the favor? Did you go down on her? Yeah. Yeah, did you draw a dick on her inner thigh when you were down there? An old silo. I showed that bitch when I went down on her. I just kept yawning.

I like it. Wow. So, Kyle, you're still living in your car? Calling. Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm sorry. I got to scratch that out. No, I'm it. Wow. So, Kyle, you're still living in your car? Calling. Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm sorry. I got to scratch that off. No, I'm not.

No, I have an apartment now. I had a roommate for a minute, but he lost his goddamn mind, didn't pay rent, and then left. And then you went soft in his mouth? No, I get it. I get it. You're leaving. But let me prove a point real quick. When you say he lost his mind, what do you mean?

Oh, he wrote the N-word on the wall. He kicked a hole in the wall because some girl didn't fuck him. So that's hilarious. Well, did he have sex with the hole? How could she fuck him when she had your soft dick in her mouth? But yeah, he was nuts And then he didn't pay me So I went to my landlord and asked for his mom's number

And then I literally called his mom You are devious And I was like, well, he was going back there So I was like, fuck him I'm gonna fucking just call his mom and make her... Do you think you surprised her that her son was an asshole? A psychopath? Yeah.

Probably. Well, I don't think she believes me. She probably believes her son. For sure. That is the whitest retaliation ever. I'm going to call your mother, I swear. Oh, absolutely. Excuse me?

Mrs. Fartfenugan? Yeah, your son is a... When he wrote the N-word on the wall, which wall did he write it on? And how big? And which N-word? He also wrote faggot on the wall, too, but, you know... Was it all one word?

Yeah. How come you can say that word but not the other one? No, don't say any. I wouldn't say either one. It's totally a joke. But anyways, yeah, no, he wrote it in the kitchen right on the wall over the, like, where the plates dry or whatever. That's racist. Like, that was his own little splashback?

Yeah, that's what that is. Most of the people, from what I understand, washing dishes nowadays are white anyway. So that's a reference because of the white custodian earlier. That's interesting. In the kitchen, huh? Yeah. Man. Normally, if you see it.

But he specifically told you, just so you know, I kicked that hole in the wall so she wouldn't have sex. No, I knew that that's what happened because I heard him... That wasn't the only thing he did that night, right? He came back and he smashed a mug. A mug?! Yeah, I was in my room and I heard all this noise. I was like, what the fuck? But then I noticed he put up a bookshelf the next day

and then when he moved out, he just left the bookshelf and I was like, what the fuck? There's a hole in the wall from this kid. Oh, my goodness. That was his version of going soft in your mouth. That's true. That's true, but stand-up's been going good for you, Colin?

Yep. Six months in the game, right? Four months. Four months, and any highlights so far to your career? When I was six weeks in, I got on here, and four months in, I'm here. So that's it. There you go.

This is the only highlight, dude. Absolutely. You're learning. And that's what's important is learning, taking notes, growing, doing the things that people give you good advice to do and what not to do during a show. And that's how it goes. So how about one more time for Colin Shoemaker, guys? C-O-L-L-I-N-S-H-U-M-A-K-E-R-R. Heck yeah.

Some good saxophoning. How about a hand for the band, guys? Killing it. Absolutely. Sid's in full character. Fully committed here tonight. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Sean Hall, everyone. Sean

Hall. Whoa! I love it when someone in the front row stands up. This could be a first timer. This is someone from another place, usually. One more time for Sean Hall, everyone. There you go, Sean Hall. Hi there.

I was trying to take a picture of a midget the other day. Didn't really know how to hold my phone. It's hard. I met a gangster the other day. He said his laws don't apply to him. He just kind of floated away. Not a good joke. I don't know if you've He just kind of floated away. It's not a good joke.

I don't know if you've ever been to Catholic Confession. I have. It's a really awkward place to mention your addiction to glory holes. It makes him a little uncomfortable. You know, you got that little space right there to talk to him. Yeah, I'm out of jokes right there.

All right, 40 seconds from Sean Hall. There you go. He's the guy that knows how to quit. Knows when to get in, when to get out. You're all tangled up there. Heck yeah. Welcome to the show, Sean. Even with glasses on, you have such extremely tiny eyes.

Has anyone told you that? You have tiny eyes? No, I haven't got that before. Let me see what you look like with the glasses off. Whoa, whoa, look at that. More normal? My God. You look like Blake Griffin's gay little brother.

It's incredible. Stunning. I get Blake Griffin a lot. Yeah, no, you just get regular Blake Griffin. Those people are all idiots that tell you that. Whoa, dude, is that fucking Blake Griffin? Five foot seven Blake Griffin? Yeah, Blake Griffin's eyes don't touch.

Yeah, those things are running the fucking triangle offense. Look at those goddamn eyeballs. Those eyes look like they're trying to say, good game. Yeah, exactly. You look like Buddy Holly after the plane crash. Oh, wow. All right. Too soon for a Buddy Holly reference here.

Sorry. The old 1940s plane crash of Buddy Holly. Oh, well, oh, well, oh, well. There you go. It seems to be all Buddy Holly references are destroying here tonight. So, Sean, how long have you been doing stand-up? Is that your first time? First time. First time. Look at that. Heck yeah.

Absolutely. Nervous. Real nervous. Look at you. And what do you do for work? Ice cream shop? I work in a movie theater and I... I was so close. Look at that. Thank you very much. I gotcha. And I delivered weed. You delivered weed.

Whoa. You got a little rebellious side to you, huh? For Speedweed? Not Speedweed. No, no, no. Wow. Then it sucks. Wow.

There you go. We love Speedweed. We bring it. Hoping I win that giveaway, though. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. You signed up for that, huh? Yep.

You get like $400 worth of weed and stuff like that. Yeah. Even more than that. It's a random thing that Gino, the great legend and huge Kill Tony, not only fan, but basically huge part of the family, does it every

week here. If you come to a home show at the Comedy Store, you have a chance of winning $400 in marijuana product. We're the only podcast that does that. Gino, LA Speed Week. So when you're not, what movie theater is it? It's a... You don't have to name

the company, just name the area or location. Oh, Temecula. Oh, okay, yeah, very good. So it's a regal. Yeah, exactly. Temecula. How long have you been working at a movie theater? Like two months, two, three months. Two or three months.

You have to wear the goofy outfit? The hat? Oh, no, I don't got to wear the hat. Just a blue long sleeve and some jeans. Whoa, cool. Yeah. Are you an usher? Are you a box office?

Yeah, yeah, usher, concession, just kind of a little bit of everything. How long have you looked like every nerd in every movie ever? Oh! Thank you. What do you prefer? Do you prefer working the box office, or do you prefer being an usher? Usher?

That's an actual usher. Usher, yeah. One of his least famous songs, but still usher. All right. You ever see anything crazy at the movie theater? Not so far, no. Pretty boring. Would you like to? Okay, all right, Sid.

Okay, okay. Oh, my God. All right, Arthur. This is a lot. Sid. This is a lot. So, Sean, what's your love life like? Non-existent since like last year.

Yeah, what happened last year? Had a breakup. Haven't really been the same since. Not really looking to get with anybody lately. So let's talk about this. This is the type of stuff that I love on this show. It just brings the mood down. No, it's not bringing it down.

No, yeah, it's not bringing it down at all so the breakup this girl broke up with you yeah how long were you with her for jesus sean my god you might need to get a therapist number from one of the many people that have therapists on the show tonight did you see it coming no no i didn't yeah i figured hold on we'll get to that we'll get to that i'll ask more in depth about the breakup therapists on the show tonight. Did you see it coming? No, I didn't see it coming. We'll get to that. I'll ask more in depth about the breakup in a second. I want to know about the relationship. It was like three or four months. Three or four months? That's it?

You can barely talk about this girl. It's three or four months. It seems like you're heartbroken. Hey, you can't put the time into the love. You put the love into the time. My God. This is heartbreaking. Now I feel bad for you.

Just three or four months. Where did you meet this girl? Banned. Banned? Holy shit. The end. Daniel Van Kirk has walked off. He's crying.

I can't really handle this at all. Wow. My goodness. It's not your fault. It might be. We don't know. But I'm going to tell you right now, it's not your fault. Thank you. That means a lot. So what instrument did you play in the band?

Trumpet. Trumpet. No! Yeah. What instrument did she play in the band? French horn. Whoa? French horn. Whoa. French horn.

Stop answering questions. Wow. Oh, my God. I played the French horn. You did? A lot of people don't know that. Was she a little bit chubby? Heck, yeah.

Not only did you also play the French horn, but you have the same amount of feelings for him as she does right now. Did she ever put the French horn inside of her? Okay, Red Band, Jesus Christ. That's who she left me for! Way to shoehorn your disgusting thoughts into the show. Were you guys both first chair? Wow, he's checking in. Is that one of your band first chair? Wow.

He's checking in. He's checking in. Is that one of your bandmates there? Wow. Look at this. Hold on. You're in the band too? Let's play Guess That Instrument. Oh, I got you.

I know this one. We all know this one. This is an easy one. You look like a drumline motherfucker. No. No. I'm going to say that this is all one horny group of friends here. I'm going to say that this is a tuba player. I'm going to go trombone. Bassoon. I'm going to say this is all one horny group of friends here. I'm going to say that this is a tuba player.

I'm going to go trombone. Bassoon. I'm going to go flute. I'll give you a hint. I've been on here before. Whoa. That doesn't help! We've had guesses of bassoon, tuba, trumpet.

I've been on with the band. You've been on with the band. You've been on with the band. Oh, then it must be a, I'm going to guess a, what's that one? Trombone. Sax? Tenor? Oh, wow, look at that. Alto?

Get the fuck out of this room. You part of Top Shelf? Yeah. Okay. Heck yeah. Fans. So you were both first chair. Looks more like a soprano. Like a Tony Soprano.

So there you go. You guys are both playing horns. Everything's going good. Three to four months. You guys are making love with each other and whatnot. You look like the kind of guy that uses a condom. No, no condom. Look at you just fucking throwing your little

trumpet right on in there. My God. He didn't even say no. He said nope. Right. Yeah. This guy just fucking spits it out. When you raw dog it, are you like...

Yeah. Are you? Is that the noise you make? No, not that one. No. So you guys had a lot of sex? You and this girl? I see skies of blue.

Okay. I would say yeah. Yeah. Tony, when I was in high school, the band, everybody thought they were nerds, but they were like the first ones to be fucking. Oh, yeah, definitely. That's it. That's it.

They just sit around fucking blowing each other and their instruments. First chair, first pair. Wow, there you go. Clearly Sid just saying anything that comes to the front of his brain today. Very good. So, Sean, let's talk about the breakup. Let's finally get to the good shit here. Sure.

Yeah. So what did you do? You went to her place. You went to yours. You guys are out to eat. We met at some parking lot. We met at a parking lot. Wow, Jesus.

Were you planning on murdering her and then she broke up with you? No, I had to drive to her city, met in the parking lot, and then I got in her car, we smoked some weed, and then she broke up with me. Yeah, what did she say? She said, I work at AMC, you work at Regal, this is never gonna happen. To your left.

No, it just wasn't working. Well, I thought it was working out, but apparently I made some mistakes. You thought it was working, but she said it wasn't working out. What was the mistakes you made, supposedly? Yeah. Go on. You remember, the words have been echoing in your head for a year.

Sean, we know that you know the truth here. Don't hesitate. We need to hear the truth. Sid, please let him answer for the love of fucking God. Sid, this show's about interviewing the guests. Say your darkest thoughts. Okay, very good. It had to do with what I said. interviewing the guests. Say your darkest thoughts. Okay. Very good.

It had to do with what I said. Okay, Sid. Thank you, Sid. This is fucking great. You're killing it, Sid. This is great. I love the positivity. There you go.

Yes, there's no positivity here. The show's not about positivity. It's about interviewing the guests. I was trying to. Very good. We don't give a fuck. Take a breath. Relax a little bit.

There you go. Sean, back to this unbelievable interview. Yeah, don't do that either because that's distracting from the entire show, Sid. This is why the mental patients are the worst characters in the history of the fucking show. Everything else you've ever done is funnier than this, and yet

you brought it back again to feed the fucking trolls. There you go. Because he reads YouTube comments and believes the haters. You should bring those back, dude. Those were the best. Actually, nobody asked us to bring these back. No, I know. I know. You're an official Reddit moderator. I know you're reading everything. So Sean, let's talk about what you didn't do that she said in this compelling part of this compelling interview, what you didn't do right in the relationship?

I was just too eager, and I jumped right into it, too excited. You know, introduced her to family, all that. Oh, God. Oh, God. It was too much. That was too much for her. Look, I'm not trying to rush it.

I know it's August 5th, but what if we do a family Thanksgiving early? How long did it take for you to say I love you? Was it a couple days? Oh, yeah. Tell the truth. Oh, my God, it was so fast. Look at his face.

It was so fast. Very good. Very good. I actually said it on accident. I felt it, but I said it too early. I said it maybe a month into it. Wow. Wow. Yes.

We are. Wow. A month into it. Too early. Little did you know that a month later she would be dumping you. Correct. How did you say it accidentally? Like were you doing like we were going to say I was going somewhere she was going somewhere. All right. Later. Love you. Oh my God. You're a little sweetheart., later. Love you. Oh, my God.

You're a little sweetheart. I don't believe you. I think you said it on purpose and you were like, oh, that was an accident. It was just something I felt. Unless you say it back. No, I felt super weird and I apologized. Sid?

And she heard it and she was like, never again. Yeah. You know what I think you should do, Sid? Is I think you should settle for someone very ugly. And then you can do all this stuff. You can fall in love. They'll fucking love it because they're not used to it. You should get a chick that looks like your sax player friend here.

You know what I mean? You called him Sid. Oh, I did? There you go. I feel sad for both of you. Maybe that's why I get them confused. Was this the first relationship that was serious to you that you've had? No.

Oh, well. Get over it. What was it? You think she was just sort of like a hot chick to you? Well, our first date was in Hawaii. We had sex on a balcony. Whoa. Wait a second.

Wait a second. I mean, I get it. How was your first date in Hawaii? How does this happen? Band trip. Oh! That's where... Dude!

That's where they... How is this... This has been a parade of fucking nerds, and they all fuck more than I do. This is fucking bullshit. This is also... Come on, TV. Fuck this shit.

The problem is these comics are too green to know that that is literally when you drop the mic. I know. I know. It's crazy that these are all things, that all the funniest shit about you is... Every time I've asked you a question and you've gone,

fuck, man. Like, that's the shit that you should be guns a-blazing coming out with. I fucked... I just had my heart broken. I fucked this chick from band camp. It's like people... It'll translate.

People will believe you. Is there a big like band competition in Hawaii? Because that's where all the kids in my school went and fucked was in Hawaii. Yeah. I swear to God. It was just some performance and they it was an excuse to go. I bet it was a performance. Yeah, exactly.

Put the uba in the tuba, dude. Yeah, you're like, take this Hawaii 5-0. Yeah, put that in your fucking hon-a-doo-doo. Okie dokie. How about another hand for Sean Hall, everybody? We got a long interview out of him. Flew through the first couple.

Sean Hall, a compelling character. How about a hand for him? His first time, everybody. Sean Hall. Exciting stuff, pal. I think you learned a lot here. Very rarely do we have a 14 and a half minute long interview with someone for their first time. So, yeah, there you go.

He's already getting signed to a multi-year deal in show business. William Morris already. Laura's out in the parking lot. She wants to have another talk with you real quick. Ah! That just goes to show the type of fun, amazing show business bumps that you can have to your career here on Kill Tony. That guy just signed a multi-platform deal. Hear that? That's the sound of waves crashing on a beach. And that? That's the sound of ice clinking in your favorite drink. The secret to making your retirement dreams

come true is simple. Lower your investment fees. If your retirement savings are in high fee mutual funds, you could be losing a lot of your money to those fees. With Quest Wealth Portfolios, your investments are managed for you at a fraction of the cost so you can earn more and make your retirement dreams come true. Get started today at Questrade.com. And another example of the Kill Tony bump is this young man who you're about to see. This guy won the golden ticket at the age of 20 years old in Phoenix, Arizona, and he's cashed in numerous times. He's taken full advantage

of the golden ticket opportunity, and we also had a guy win, I believe, the seventh ever golden ticket this weekend in Melbourne, Australia, which is very exciting stuff. He couldn't believe it. I still think that he thinks that we were lying to him about that.

But this guy takes full advantage of it. An unbelievable comedian. Every time he cashes in, he writes and performs a brand new minute and his interviews are always very exciting. Make some noise for the great Tristan Bowling, everybody. Here we go. A new minute from Tristan.

Here he is. What's up, Keltoni? Oh, man. I went to EDM Festival recently, and I did Molly for the first time. Huh? Yeah! I also take antidepressants, so that shit

didn't work, you know? Dude, I paid $20 to take a sweaty pill in a mosh pit. That's all. Dude, all my buddies were like, how'd you feel, man? And I'm like, uncomfortable. It's hot in here. Everyone's touching me. It's fucked up.

Dude, I didn't get the EDM festival. Do you see what women wear there at an EDM festival? It's just fishnets and paisleys. They look like a sexy soccer goal. Dude, every time I come back from one, I feel like my dick has post-traumatic stress. It's just like looking there, my buddy's like,

hey, do you see that girl with the fat ass? My dick just has a cigarette in his mouth. You know? Being like, it's just another body. You know? I feel like every dude's dick is just a wounded soldier. You know what I mean? As soon as we get a little blood in us, we're just like,

I'm built to serve! Thank you. My name is Tristan. Wow. Tristan Bowling. Did it again. My goodness. He was with us at Kill Tony Mania in San Francisco. Destroyed there. Destroyed on panel. Every single time, you definitely kill.

The interview part's almost always more fun than even your set, which you always do good on. I like this new look. You look like every character in Beetlejuice mashed together. Harry Potter at a coffee shop. Heck yeah. I'd be like, yo, I love your Patronus, bitch.

That's a Harry Potter joke, sorry. A bunch of Harry Potter fans are losing their minds laughing right now all around the world. So Tristan, welcome back to the show. Always fun. This is your guys' first time seeing Tristan. It is. It's weird. He looks like both the priest and the kid he molests at the same time.

It's an impressive look he has going on. Real rock star. He always has the coolest style. You look like what happened to Marty's dad if he didn't get his parents back together. Tony, I always remember you always complimenting my style. And one thing that I did for you was I brought a gift from Phoenix, Arizona.

Oh, boy. I buy all my clothes exclusively at Goodwill. And Mama, if you could bring it up to me, I got you something special. Whoa, look at this. This is exciting. I don't get gifts very often on this show. Yeah, yeah, all the way from Phoenix. I like gifts.

His actual mom is here. What doesn't Dad come up to? Dad, come up here. Come say hi to us. The Bowlings are here. The Bowlings are here, everybody. What if the gift was his mom? Oh, man.

You want to see it, babe? Here, stay up here. Stay up here. Come on. Stay up here. Hey, can I just say what we're all thinking? Your dad is hot. Oh, yeah.

Look at that. Whoa. Is that my own snowsuit? Yeah. That's so cool. I love that. I'll wear it next week. Oh, don't. You'll hyperventilate

up here. It is insulated. What are your parents' names? Shannon and Brad. You guess which one is which. Brad, I love you on GLOW. You are great on GLOW. Heck yeah. Also the host of the WTF podcast. Very exciting. Why don't you step up?

Flank Tristan over here. Go harass your son. Why don't you step up? Flank Tristan over here. Go caress your son. Why are you afraid of me? I came out of you. One of the things I always love on this show... The leather jacket doesn't get bought far from the tree. Yeah. Look at that. One of the things I love about this show is when parents come on, we get to find out a little

bit more about these characters that we've learned a lot about on this show. Any fun, embarrassing stories or fun facts about Tristan that you might be able to expose for us i mean we've got some we've got some good fun stories from he's always been funny even as a little kid so uh i mean this was like my first indication that i had a character on my hands and uh he was just able to walk so he was kind of toddling and And I was in college and had to go to a bookstore to get a book. And he's toddling around. I'm like, let me let you try out the new legs, buddy.

Run off and do some stuff. And he goes to the magazine rack, grabs the magazine, and comes back to me all proud with what he found, and it's high times. Yay! And I'm like, oh, my God, dude. L.A. Speedweed, baby! What up? Come on!

His first word was speedweed. Yeah. Like, you got Grover right there. You got all these other choices, and the first thing you go to is, like, you can't, you know, you can shit in your pants, you can hardly walk, you can't speak, but you know weed when you see it.

God damn right, dude. And literally nothing has changed. He's still the same way, shitting your pants. You can hardly walk. You can't speak. But you know weed when you see it. Yeah. Goddamn right. And literally nothing has changed. He's still the same way, shitting his pants. I was like, great. Great. How about Mrs. Bowling? What's your favorite thing about Tristan as a child? Anything exciting?

I'm going to leave it to Brad. Oh, we see you. We see you. Where's the snowsuit in this relationship? Can we talk about the fact that Tristan's parents are fucking gorgeous? Yeah, they really are. I mean, it's unbelievable. And Tristan's dad is a hero to me and Tony's because he's created one of the best video games.

It's true. He is the creator and graphic designer of NCAA football, the video games. Yeah. This is the guy that made those. I worked on one of them. There were many, but I thought it was a good one. It was unbelievable. It was unbelievable. I played the shit that's my most played video game of all time by far. So if anyone's

wondering if I played sports, my dad makes video games. Yeah. There you go. Also, no one is wondering. Technically, video games is a sport now. Well, Tristan, I've always said this about you. I think you are by far one of the more promising comedians that we've ever had on this show, ever seen on this show, off this show, anything like that. You just have a goddamn bundle of wild, crazy energy.

You're such a promising figure. This is one of those art forms where you'll always get better and the fact that you're as good as you are and you make doing a minute look extremely easy on this show. I just absolutely can't wait to see what you're going to end up being.

One day I'm going to hope that you hire me to be on your show. We love you, Tristan. We love you. Pish, I love you. One of our favorite people. One of the great Golden Ticket winners of all time. Make some noise for his parents, everyone.

Come on. Let's hope my mom don't make another one of me tonight. There he goes, Tristan bowling. Tristan, you didn't write any new raps or anything, did you? You want to go out with a bang? You want to rap something real quick? Here, rap something real quick, just for a minute. Tristan's a famous Kill Tony rapper.

You got anything up your sleeve? You want a beat from Joel or something? Yeah, Joel hit me with something fun. Is that good? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys like rap music out there? Do you mind if this one goes for a second? Okay, sure, yeah, do it.

Tell me if you can follow along. All right. Mama came home, if you can follow along. Alright. Mama came home, bring you in the kitchen. Specter the typical shit is she bitching, but she's sitting you down, talking about what she's been wishing, spitting about how daddy left. Out of sight, without a breath. Gotta feel the hole daddy left. Mama need a nut. No,

don't fret, cause mama got a new plan. Baby, what? Mama might get a man, baby. He's coming to dinner, so you better make a better look. Pressure the ass at the ham ready, so set your plate Bitch, yo, you better wait, bitch Cause he's in the house now, wow, he's so amazing But wait, what do you see? Turn in the corner, hey, look at his tea

Trying to think, choking to speak Where do you think that you recognize me from? Wait, did I freshen your memory, huh? Fucking with me in pre-algebra Shooting your spitballs and calling me faggot And now I am balls deep inside of your mom Now you can see where the tables are turning to, fuck it with tea and I'll promise I'll bury you,

gotta be the honest definition of motherfucker, got your weather started, now I'm gonna be your papa soon, ooh, what to do, bitch, following around, now I'm a part of your crew, eating your food, bitch, fucking your sister like you did that back when you're two, eating your food, bitch, abso-fucking-lutely. It was fun.

I goofed it up a little bit at the end. Unbelievable. There he goes. Tristan Bowling. Brought him back up just for that. Had a feeling he had something up his sleeve. It's so crazy. When we first met Tristan in Arizona,

he couldn't even be in the same green room as us because he was too young to be around alcohol. Yeah, that's true. Now look, he won the golden ticket at 20, turned 20. We didn't even know his birthday was the next day. That was on a Saturday. His birthday was on a Sunday, and he was cashing in here on Monday, his 21st birthday. Yeah, he's cashed in a lot.

Yeah, this kid, no rest for the wicked. The work ethic and talent like that. You're just going to know him forever. This is bad handwriting. Let's see how this goes. Jordan Karmouth, Karmoush, Cornish, perhaps? There he is. Jordan Cornish.

Bad handwriting Jordan. Here he comes. Always very foreshadowing when someone has bad handwriting come on up Jordan come on one more time for Jordan everybody hey hey so I am

half I'm biracial half black and half Jewish which means I like to go in the club, make it rain, and then pick it all back up. It's very fun. You might be wondering which I like more, black girls or white girls. Nobody was wondering, but I'll just tell you. My answer is

yes. Yes. My type is women with vaginas. It's really yeah. And I think I like black girls the most. They're my women with vaginas. It's really... Yeah. And, uh, I think I like black girls the most. They're my favorite. I kind of have to say that or else I'm an Uncle Tom. But yes,

I love black girls. Black girls make the best girlfriends, actually. And, uh, it's because they're loyal as shit. They'll fend for you. They'll get in a physical fight for you. Which, like, did I need that? Yes, I did. I have the body of a Malaysian preteen girl. I need backup, goddammit.

Like, having a black girlfriend is kind of like having a Pokemon that you get to fuck occasionally. You can be like, Monet, you scratch, and she's like, stop! Stop! Hell yeah. There you go, Jordan Cornish.

Is that right? Cornish? What's your last name, pal? What was that? What's your last name? Cornish. Cornish. Yeah. Heck yeah.

Welcome to the show. This is your first time on, right? Yeah. Welcome, welcome. Good jokes, man. Thank you. Thank you. Absolutely.

How long have you been doing stand-up? About just over two years. Just over two years. Here in LA? No, I'm from Raleigh. Raleigh, North Carolina, the home of Charlie Goodnights and the great Malcolm Hatchet. Say hi to the queen for us. He's got mental health issues, so don't take anything he says too seriously.

Loved your jokes, man. The beginning and the end, mostly. At one point, you just sounded like a closeted comedian right in the middle there. No one knows more about that than me. But at one point, he just goes, I like all women. Women with vaginas. Oh, jeez. I'm just like, what?

It's like even I'm not convinced. Any vagina will do. Just love putting penises in vaginas. Any penis, I'll put it in a vagina. Doesn't have to be mine. I prefer to grab other men's penises and put them in vaginas. That's how straight I am. Yeah.

My gaydar went off and it went, yeah. Yeah. That was impressive. Is that true? You love all women, women with vaginas? Yeah. I mean, what are we, what are we talking? What's the, what's the lowest you'll go with a face? Like, what are we talking about? What's the lowest you'll go with a face?

Like, what are we talking about? Like, this guy with the orange hat here, you stand up for a second, sir. Look at this audience. Turn around and give them a little look. Like, let me ask you something. If he had a vagina, would you put it in it? Probably. Wow, look at that.

So he's saying he doesn't have them in and out janitor standards. Right, right, right. That's how straight he is't have them in and out janitor standards. Right. That's how straight he is. He would fuck a guy with a vagina. You ever do anything with a man before sexually in any way? Tell the truth. You have. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. That's enough of an answer. You have. Fuck yeah, absolutely. That's enough of an answer.

Heck yeah. The alto saxophonist goes crazy at that one. He's interested. Vodka's a hell of a drink. What can I say? So what happened? You were at band camp in Hawaii and... I don't know.

I think this balcony can carry a lot of weight. Someone put it in your Maui-Aui. Vodka's a hell of a drink. Vodka? That's all it took? Yeah! Oh my god, I've been wondering why Daniel's been trying to jerk me off this whole time. It's the vodka!

I don't want to do it! Vodka, one of the most mellow liquors that there is, turned you gay. I love that. Not to kill. Yeah, I just had one shot of Fireball. That shit will do it. I don't want to fuck a dog, but I did Fireball. Vodka's a hell of a drug.

No, it's not. This dude wanted to fuck me, and I was in a dual's deep end. I'm like, let's do it, pal. So walk us through it. What happened? Yeah, what happened? So you had a few vodkas. Next thing you know, you're on your back, legs spread, holding up your balls.

Missionary position. That's the gayest possible type of gay sex that I can picture. No, you don't understand. The guy's name was Vodka. He made me do it. He had a lot of it inside of you. Deep in your belly. So what happened?

You had vodka, then what? Yeah, I was in a gay club. Well, there you go. Heck yeah. Nine times out of ten, drinking vodka in a gay club is how it starts. Most of the vodka-induced gay things that happen, happen at gay clubs. There I am at a gay club drinking tons of vodka, and you'll never believe what happened next. Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots.

So I put on my shirt that said, I'll fuck a dude tonight. Went down to the gay club, and I couldn't believe what happened next. So you're at the gay club drinking vodka. Good vodka, good liquor for you to be drinking because clearly you're gay. It's a clear liqueur. What was it mixed with?

Just straight vodka. Just cranberry juice. What flavor was it? Blame it on the alcohol. So there you are. You're at a gay club. You're drinking vodka. Then what happens?

He said it was straight vodka, but I don't think so. Hey! All right. There you go. No, don't hang yourself. Sid, don't do it. No. Thanks, honey. Hey! All right. There you go. No, don't hang yourself. Sid, don't do it.

No. Don't do it, Sid. Don't do it. Hang yourself. No. Can you imagine that order, Tony? What can I get you? Can I get vodka? Neat.

What? Just straight vodka, man. I love it. So there you are. You're drinking vodka. You. I love it. So there you are. You're drinking vodka. You're at the club. And then what happens? Dearly beloved.

All right. Let's let him get the interview, Sid. A guy came up to me. His name was Brandon. And it's not that I'm gay. It's that he was fairly convincing. Yeah. Explain to us.

Well, we got a surprise for you tonight. Brandon, come on out here! Brandon! Fuck him again! Fuck him again! So how did he convince you? What did he say? Thank you, Ryan Sickler and Jay Larson, for that joke.

This is going to sound like a cop out, but I was pretty drunk. I don't remember that part conveniently enough, but I do remember the getting head in the bathroom stall. I remember the feel of his goatee on my balls. Wow. Yeah, he doesn't remember. My God. He doesn't remember any of the gay stuff, just the getting head and the goatee on his balls.

Hey, you tried it out. I did, yeah. You'll probably try it out many more times in your life. Did you cum? Of course he came. Are you fucking kidding me? We're even harder than he's ever cummed. Red band.

Red band. Why would you get that far and then go, you know what? I don't want anything out of this. The beard would make me go, no. Oh, the beard would do it? That's where you draw the? I don't want anything out of this. The beard would make me go, no. Oh, the beard would do it? That's where you draw the line? Because if he came, then that would be gay.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Exactly. So you felt the goatee on the balls. Now, are we talking about this guy having incredible deep throat capabilities, or do you have a small gay penis? Or did you mean your goatee on his balls? No, it's He deep throated

Wow Yeah, it was pretty good What he was doing, you know It's not what I wanted But it's what I got Wow And let me ask you this Getting blowjobs from women

Any women at all, by the way After that Do you ever sort of miss that feeling? You ever put a little fucking Velcro on their chin and tell them to go for it? You know what I mean? Are we ever maybe thinking about that night

while we're having sex with a woman? Is that something that you've noticed? I think you have. Tell the truth. Oh, God. I'm sorry, Mom. Don't be sorry. Don't be sorry. Don't be sorry. Be you, man. You're right.

Don't be sorry. Your mom's open-minded. I bet they'd bite that little ass at the gay club. You're a cutie. Look at this guy. Look at this guy. Thank you. His mom's probably terrified.

She qualifies as a woman with a vagina. Yeah. No, it's true. Any woman will do. Man, did I nail that fucking closeted gay guy shit right from the beginning. That is impressive. I'm proud of myself on this one. But no, this is a great interview because you're very open and honest.

So what else? Jordan, what do you do for work? I do a bunch of odd jobs. Like blowjobs? Hand jobs, blowjobs? Hand jobs? Blowjobs? Like what kind of odd jobs do you do? I work in a sushi place.

Oh, wow. Hell yeah. We know you love it raw. My goodness. Hell yeah. Oh, God. Wow. So what do you do at the sushi place?

I'm a food runner. Oh, yeah. That seems like fun. Yeah. Joel, what are you laughing about back there? Everything. What? Everything.

So interesting. What a show. Back to you in the studio, Tony. Thank you very much. Thank you. We are live. So, wow. Any other odd jobs? I write

papers for people who are too lazy to. Oh, okay. So you do people's homework for them. Alright, well that's great, Jordan. Very fun stuff. I loved this interview. I could spend even more time with you if we didn't have to keep this thing going. We had a 14-minute

interview with Mr. fucking heartbroken band member over here. So we got to keep flying through it. But sign up again. Come back. Jordan Cornish, everyone. I asked him what his social media handle is. He's like, you know what? I'm okay. I don't want anybody to know this one. Maybe next time.

I had a few black and Jewish jokes that I didn't get to do. I know. Me too. Trust me. That ended up being the fourth most interesting thing about him. It sucks. I really did too. But his jokes were great.

How about one more time for Jordan, everyone? Thank you. I really did too. But his jokes were great. How about one more time for Jordan, everyone? All right. Let's keep this fun train moving along. Put your hands together for Michael Silver.

Michael Silver. Here we go. Here he is one more time for Michael Silver. Hi, how's everyone doing? Hard to be a tough guy when you have issues with depression. It just doesn't really work. Got into a fight recently with an Hispanic man. Started talking shit. I was like, fuck you. He's like, the fuck you say to me, I say?

You wanna die, motherfucker? My response, as a matter of fact, I do! Can we do that now or later? Can we plan something out? Bought my car for $4,500 under Kelly Blue Book value. Pretty fantastic deal. Only thing is, I bought it at a police auction. They were legally required to tell me that four people had been murdered in the car.

Aside from the murders, of course, it's still a fantastic deal. But people, though, they don't understand the frustration in buying your own car back. You know what I mean? It's irritating stuff. All right, I think it's about like 50 seconds, no? There you go. Wow, amazing. Amazing. Amazing internal clock you have.

That was great. 10 seconds fast, though. You were at 59, but you guessed 50. How are you? You look like you're in the middle of Postmates runs right now. You just stopped in, got lucky. I have hot food on the passenger seat of your car right now. Someone's just waiting.

I swear I'll be there 10 minutes. No, no, no. I swear, I swear. I actually came in my work van. I came from work here. Wow. Okay, so I'm partially right. What do you do No, no, no. I swear. I swear. I actually came in my work van. I came from work here. Wow. Okay. So I'm partially right.

What do you do for work? I'm a fish distributor. I sell dead fish. You sell dead fish. Yes. Heck yeah. You ever work with a gay sushi man before? No, I can't say I have, honestly.

Wow. You sell dead fish. How long have you been doing that for? About six years now. Wow. That's incredible. How do you been doing that for? About six years now. Wow, that's incredible. How do you get into that business? Family business. Family business.

Heck yeah, stand back here. Where are the exes? Don't touch the talent. I'm sorry. Heck yeah. And how long have you been doing stand-up? About seven months now. Seven months.

And you're from Los Angeles? Yeah. Born and raised? Yes, sir. What part? Venice, Engle and raised? Yes, sir. What part? Venice, Englewood area. Oh, okay. I very rarely meet people that were born and raised around that area.

That's interesting. What do your parents do? My mother currently just got hired over in Texas. I think she's housing people with AIDS. Oh, wow. Well, the last comedian might end up working with her someday. Yeah, maybe. This dude just doesn't remember what happens to him when he goes to a gay club.

That's the old... All right. And how about dad? My dad's a network engineer. A network engineer. That's cool. What exactly does that mean, though? What type of network?

He's basically like a glorified troubleshooter. Like he does the networking for major corporations and stuff, like schools and shit. Actually, not major corporations necessarily. Heck yeah. That's fun. So do the dead fish, do they often affect your normal everyday life? Or people say you smell like dead fish. That's a real issue.

You smell it, Sid? No. Yeah, no, I showered at the gym right before I got here. Oh, yeah? No, I don't want to stitch up the crowd. That looks like the only thing you do at the gym. You look like, this is not going to work, but Jorge Masvidal

Sassoon. It's a reach, but I like it. I get it. I got it. The 5% of people that get it laughed very hard at that joke. It was worth it. Look at the UFC fan clapping. Hell yeah. He's been on before, right? You've been on before. Yeah. I was on, I believe, like four months ago.

Well, welcome back. Welcome back. Anything change in your life since that last appearance? Anything exciting happen? I started dating someone. Oh, yeah? Where did you find her? Does she have sex like a dead fish? No, no, no, no.

She's actually a comedian as well. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's what happens. Open mic, open legs. Fuck yeah. Would you say Sid? Because there was a thing happening there, so I didn't hear you. Was it worth it?

No. All right. So you met her at an open mic. You guys went out. She's a server over at a spot I do open mics at. Oh, hell yeah. I already know the place that you're talking about. No, I'm kidding. And then

things have been going good with that? Yeah, it's just kind of weird to believe that someone is into me, you know, because I hate me. Yeah, so do we. So do we. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Why do you hate yourself?

I have issues with depression. Yeah. I've had that for a good amount of time now. Yeah, have one of those. There you go. Pop it in. It's okay. I guarantee it's just a mint for sure.

I trust it. I don't know what he dripped on it. Wow. Do you take medicine for your depression? Not anymore. Wow. When did you medicine for your depression? Not anymore. Wow. When did you get off of it? Two years ago.

Oh, so you're too good for it. Okay. Yep. Are there ways that you've been, things that you've been using to cope and treat it? Or, you know, is there a new routine that you have? Something healthy that you do for your mind? Or do you just go cold turkey and say fuck it?

No, I mean like I box and I smoke a lot of weed. There you go. Boxing and smoking weed. A great one-two punch. I take Lamictal. There you go. You got it. Yeah, you've been in a lot of fights? Yeah, a good amount. Yeah, you have fighter's knuckle. I can see that coming. Oh yeah, you do.

Actually, a police officer did that. That wasn't fun. No, he's talking about fighter's knuckle. I could see that coming. Oh, yeah, you do. Actually, a police officer did that. No, he's talking about your huge knuckle. Yeah, your big middle knuckle. Yeah, we're not talking about that. That enormous knuckle. How did a police officer do that to you? Well, I didn't do the crime, I swear. That's a great way to start the story, yes.

I swear to God. That is the number one way to show people you're innocent. Yeah, you know, it's like you got to. Because the moment you say you've been to like county or anything like that, people immediately assume you're criminal. Blah, blah, blah. Let's get to the good shit. So what happened? You didn't do the crime.

So what did you do? Well, police officers, they stopped me. I'm on probation. And basically they found out I was on probation. So they started kind of being a dick. And I was like, yo, no. And they're like, no kind of being a dick and I was like, yo, no. And they're like, no, no, no. And I was like, okay, let's do this. Wait, you said let's do this, like let's fight?

No, I was really drunk so like I assume it happened. Oh, so in that case you blew the cops? I don't know what's going on here anymore. Yeah, was it vodka? Yeah. Once you get that vodka in your system. Hi, I'm Officer Vodka. Suck my dick. The cops were the, it was the same cops from the village people. He was at a'm Officer Vodka. Suck my dick. The cops were the same cops from the village people. He was at a gay club drinking

vodka. Next thing you know. Wait, so you fought the cops? Well, I mean, like, I threw probably like two punches, but I was kind of taken by overwhelming force. You know what I mean? That's what they go for in that scenario. This was in Venice Beach, so they don't really have shit

better to do. So they're like, yo, this kid's fighting. Let's get him. Right. What were you on probation for? Something that you did do. A cop. Fighting a different cop? It was when I was like 18. This is your A material. Oh man, they suck.

It's Manhattan Beach PD. They don't do shit. They stop me. It's like, I'm an American citizen. I have rights. And they're like, no, you don't have rights. Are you a sovereign citizen? This is hilarious. I feel like you just go straight up to cops. Like, you can't do anything to me.

Initially, I was just like, you know what? I have rights. I can do this. I can do that. And then they pull out a gun and they're like, no, you can't. They're like, get down on the ground, you stinky fish motherfucker. Literally, the first time I ever got arrested, the cop, he had me handcuffed.

He looked me dead in the eye. He's like, fuck you. And then he tased me. But the story doesn't start there. Imagine what they do to non-white people. First time I got arrested was I was 19. It didn't start with you getting 19. What did you do?

The Apollo 13 is chiming up because they can't believe you just get tased for that. Precursora! Police are mean, man. Yeah, they are mean. Listen to them. The black people are all laughing hysterically yeah the black the black people are laughing because he's telling all these stories and wasn't shot yeah exactly exactly yeah oh so you live to tell about it he's like yeah i fucking said everything i want to do a cop tried

to fight them on multiple times and then i just went to jail i think we found your comedic voice here michael silver we got to get you a spot on Showtime at the Apollo so you can do your hit joke, Cops Are Mean. There he goes, Michael Silver, everybody. The return of Michael Silver. Always fun. Fun episode

so far. And I'm about to break. Everything you say to me. Okay. So we're going to get back to the bucket in just a moment. However, we do have regulars on this show, everyone. A couple of very fun human beings.

We've always had regulars on this show that have grown and developed and been found and discovered in our farm system here of regulars ship at Kill Tony. This is what many people are saying is perhaps our greatest lineup of regulars ever. This first guy, very polarizing figure. You either love him or you hate him. He has had some major breakthroughs in the last couple weeks.

He does this new thing sometimes where he might try to get the audience on his side by using local references. But anything can happen. Let's see what happens here. This is one of my favorite comedians in the world. It's the great William Montgomery, everyone. Here we go. Wait a second. What? Let's give it up for Michael Irvin Johnson

Los Angeles Lakers So my uncle bought me some Sammy Sosa cereal last night I ate it and woke up black. Where the fuck is Tony Chin? My uncle, Tony Alcatraz, took me for ice cream last night. We had a good time down in Venezuela. I'm totally fucking this up.

I liked it. I liked it. I liked it a lot. William Montgomery. Heck yeah. This is very exciting. This is very, very exciting. William, clearly another amazing set from you. Everything seems totally normal.

Definitely not David Lucas in a beard. This is interesting. Tony, I think I have cancer. Oh, you do? Cancer? Wow. Wow, that's incredible. I'm surprised you didn't use a good old reference that only a disease maybe black people could get or something like that, like sickle cell or something. Okie dokie.

Or maybe high blood pressure. I've never seen a black man with a red beard before, and it is frightening me to my core. This is like something from Tales from the Hood or something like that. You've never looked more like the chef from South Park before than right now. Here, take a step back. Stand between Jeremiah and Daniel so the audience can absorb this frightening shit. I guess I've never really thought what would it look like if a black man had a red beard. But this is it. I'm so frightened that William's going to come out in blackface right now.

I'm literally shaking in my boots. Tony, does this turn his Crocs into gators? My goodness. So this is Black William Montgomery. We've never seen. This is like William from Montgomery, Alabama, I guess we could call this character. So what's life been like being Black William Montgomery? I woke up this morning and my lymph nodes hurt.

I took some Zantac 75. That always helps. And drank a PBR. Now, you and David Lucas actually have a brand new podcast that you guys are starting together. It's called what? Brothers, right? Brothers in Cursive, but it's not in cursive. Oh.

It's called Brothers in Cursive. Oh, okay. I guess that works. I would have just. Filming at Death Squad, Red Band's new studio in Burbank. Oh, there you go. Absolutely. This is very exciting. A at Death Squad, Red Band's new studio in Burbank. There you go. Absolutely. This is very exciting.

A new Death Squad podcast. Fuck yeah. Well, that's exciting stuff. I don't want to keep you too long. Anything else you want to talk about or give shout-outs to or anything like that? Where's Tony Chin?

I love your style. There he goes. This is the great William Montgomery, everybody. William Montgomery, everybody. William Montgomery, Alabama. Well, I guess I'm just going to bring up David Lucas now, and this could be the first ever canceled episode of Kill Tony, so let's just see what happens here.

I had no idea any of this was happening, by the way. If you're wondering like, oh, this is great. Tony coordinates this wacky stuff that happens sometimes. Not at all. So, again, I have no idea what's going to happen. You know, what's funny is I did know that was going to happen. Me too. Wow. Well, me three. There you go. Well, there you go. That's very fun. Luckily, that doesn't change anything at all.

Put your hands together for him. Let's find out what happens here. It is David Lucas. Oh, my God. I'm tired of being big and black you know what I mean I try to walk down the hallway and my knee hits the table

y'all ever been big and black and put a red shirt on? They call me the Kool-Aid man. I don't drink Kool-Aid. I'm trying to lose weight. Shits are, man. I'm thinking about trying crack. All those motherfuckers are skinny. ain't nobody giving big guys no pussy ask my mom wow wow i mean wow bro but chris shut the fuck up you always talk Wow. I mean, wow.

Chroma Chris, shut the fuck up. You always talk. Wait, where's Chroma Chris? He wrote that for Chroma Chris. He's on the road. Red man looks like cat food smells. Oh, you got roast jokes like David Lucas. Joel's dick is so big big it drags on the ground while he's riding Tony's coattails.

Jeremiah has had sex but is somehow still a virgin. Reagan and Watkins, more like Watkins and White Eyes Start a Band with Patty Reagan. He's roasting the shit out of everybody. So Tim was supposed to be here. Until I met Tim Dillon, the only other gay Republican I knew was Tony Hinchcliffe. Hey, that's a good one. That's a good one. That is true.

David Lucas? More like David Lupus. Wait, that's me. Hey, Brian, I didn't realize keto was 80% hard liquor. You got a drinking problem. Brian has a drinking problem. He can't stop drinking. He drinks Captain Vulcan. Let's give it up for

Captain Vulcan. This is the greatest comedic monster I've ever seen in my life. This reminds me, I watched this new... Let's give it up for Bud Light. Anybody out there ever heard of... Let me do that one more time.

Hold on. Anybody out there ever heard of Heineken? Holy shit. I messed that last one up. My apologies. David forced me to do this. I was very against it. I mean, it worked out unbelievably.

You just said that? Oh, wow. David Lucas clearly has some real William Montgomery influence. Are you Hispanic? Alright. William always does a special kind of crowd work where nobody knows who he's talking to

it's a very trademark style most comedians want to get an answer out of somebody who just sort of looks in an area are you Mexican? David Lucas is now winking at the audience I've never seen David Lucas do this before

Santa Claus this is one of William Montgomery's trademark maneuvers. This is impressive. So, David, David Lucas. What's going on? You have more roast jokes there? You have anything left? This is impressive how much you prepared for this.

I'm guessing David Lucas wrote some of those roast jokes, huh? Does anyone else hate it when the clown you hire for your kid's birthday party turns out to be Jewish? Wow. All right. Okay. Well, I will say this, David Lucas. I'm glad you... Mario!

What? Mario! What? Mario? How are you? Have you worked with him before on something? Yeah, we did Rescue 911 97. How fun was that? I'm in a different place than you right now. I don't... I'm in a different place than you right now. I don't know.

Wow. Well, David, and as always, an unbelievable set. I mean, I really almost passed out from laughing a few times during this. Incredible roast jokes. Jesus Christ. I mean, this was unbelievable promotion for your guys' new podcast, Incredible roast jokes. Jesus Christ.

I mean, this was unbelievable promotion for your guys' new podcast, and I'm very happy. I always love it when people take chances and do things out of the box and out of the comfort zone, and this was an unbelievable treat. Anything else, David Lucas? Okie dokie it was so nice to be here thank y'all so much

I'm moving back to the there you go David Lucas everyone fuck yeah what do you think go back to the bucket one more time alright

the edge and I'm about to break everything you say to me goes into the edge and I'm about to break Everything you say to me Goes into the edge And I'm about to break Okay, this is it Your final comedian of the night Goes by the name of Viet Ninh

Viet Nguyen Viet Nguyen Viet Nguyen Hey Yeah All around me Are familiar Hey. Yeah. All around me are familiar faces. Worn at places. Worn at places.

Your final comedian of the night, Viet Nguyen. Relax. I do speak English, guys. So I have been learning how to speak English for like 15 minutes and it's really changed the way I understand things now. Like I find out the song Anaconda by Nick Caponage is about big penis. I thought she was singing about the other corner, the big snake, because it's an endangered species and she wants to raise people's awareness

on this topic. I came to the US in 2016 and the first thing I did is I looked for a job. But I can only look for menu job. So I go on Google and Google for hand job. I did the research, five hours, didn't get any job. Thank you. Wow. Heck yeah. Um, thank you. Wow. Heck yeah.

Welcome to the show, Viet Nguyen. Hi. How's it going? This is your first time on the show, correct? Yeah, it's my first time. Heck yeah. Well, welcome, welcome. We're excited to have you.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Um, about more than one year now. I love all the specials that you have on Netflix where you're pregnant. Oh. No, I wish. You're like Ali Dong. You're like Bobby Shee. I wish, I wish.

Heck yeah. You're adorable. How long have you been doing stand-up? More than one year. Like, I started last year, May. May, last year. You're adorable. How long have you been doing stand-up? More than one year. Like, I started last year, May. May. Last year? May? May. May? Last year.

I started in May. Last year. I like your style. Thank you. Fuck yeah. You ever do impressions of white guys? Like, how does that always sound? You ever try to sound white? Because it seems like you are very Asian sounding. And I'm wondering what the best white voice you can do is.

Can you sound like me? Like, hello, I would like the special number 42, please. I don't have any. You can't even try that. You can't even take a stab at it. Can you say it again? Yes. Hello, I would like to order your special number 42, please.

Hello. Keep going. Yeah, you're almost there. Can I? Sorry. Hello, I would like to order your special number 42, please. Hello, I would like to order your special 42. You got the part.

Hell yeah. I'll be here next week. I bet. For got the part. Oh. Hell yeah. I'll be here next week. I bet. For you. Absolutely. You can trade places. Yes, we can. They won't recognize.

I know. Definitely not. It's incredible. This looks like the cast of the Goonies up here right now. It's exciting stuff. Yeah. I like you knew which character you were. Baby.

Baby. All right. So, Viet, what do you do for work? I actually work in a restaurant right now. Yeah, no shit. What kind of restaurant? It's a pokey restaurant. A pokey restaurant.

If you don't know what pokey is, it's sushi but in a bowl. Lazy sushi. Yes. It's chipotle with raw fish. Yeah. It's another food that Americans fucked up. Yeah, absolutely. That's a great joke.

Do you eat it? That's a great joke. It's a joke. You eat it sometimes? Yeah, only for two years now because that's the only thing I can afford, you know. Heck yeah, absolutely. That's a great joke. Yeah.

Definitely. Are you from America, born and raised? No, I'm from Vietnam. I came to... You're from Vietnam. That's the craziest question I've heard all night. You moved here when you were 16? 2016, yeah.

2016. 2016. Heck yeah, fresh off the boat. And you 2016. Heck yeah, fresh off the boat. And you're on this show fresh off the boat. I was born in Dallas, Texas. You never know with these guys. These Asians, sometimes they don't ever let go of that accent. I want to be a cowboy, baby.

I love a country music. I love it. Very good. Very good. Very good. So what do you do for fun, Viet? Do you have any special hobbies or skills or talents? Do you ever use the kendama or whatever that's called? We love you long time.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. We have a lot of Asian sound effects. They are all being hit at once. Very good. Let's just keep rolling through this, and then we'll get out of here all happy. I take pictures sometimes, film pictures, you know, like the camera roll. Oh, an Asian with a camera.

I don't believe it. Yeah. Not really. I'm not really... I like your style. We're going to do something. We're going to get you out of here real quick. We're going to do something real special before we end this show. Because I just noticed someone very, very special walk in,

and it's a shocking surprise. So how about one more time for Viet Nguyen? Viet Nguyen. Thank you, Viet. Viet Nguyen from Vietnam. Viet Nguyen sounds like he's just rubbing in their war victory against us. Viet Nguyen, don't try to fight us. You learn lesson.

Bye, Janice. Okay, so normally this guy warns me when he's coming. Normally we have some hint that he's coming. This is very exciting. Let's see what happens here. Danny, maybe you could help us with some dark lighting as I present to you Kill Tony legend Ichabod, everybody.

Here he is. This is very exciting. I don't know what he's doing here. Normally he warns us weeks out that he's coming. Ichabod had his first ever stand-up appearance on this show.

Here he is. He's raising the mic stand over his head. From Las Vegas, Nevada. He definitely took a bus all the way from Las Vegas to be here tonight. The crowd goes mild at the frightening appearance of the Kill Tony legend Ichabod. Now, if you don't know anything about Ichabod, take everything you've heard about every guest tonight and smash it together. He's gotten his dick sucked in bathrooms from every different type of person,

including animals and Ichabod. How's it going, pal? What brings you here tonight? Hey there. Hello. Yes, more frightening than ever. Here, come stand. I came to see the show.

Hold on. Come stand. It's an awesome show. I come here for Halloween, Tony. I tried to send you a notice and everything, and I guess you just didn't get it. I guess not. It must have been when I was in Australia today, yesterday. So happy Halloween.

Yeah. Last year for Halloween, we had you come out of a coffin, didn't we? That was awesome. Hell yeah. It looks like you've been sleeping in that coffin ever since. Yeah. It's always fun to have you around the Halloween season. Nothing says Halloween more than you. Bus tickets are only a dollar now. There was some sort

of virus scare and the prices just went all the way down. There was some sort of virus scare, so bus tickets from Las Vegas, Nevada were only a dollar now. There was some sort of virus scare, and the prices just went all the way down. There was some sort of virus scare? So bus tickets from Las Vegas, Nevada were only a dollar. Jeremiah is backing up. He's throwing pills at Ichabod. Let me ask you this, Ichabod. Was the virus scare after you got on the bus? He took it.

No, right before. He took it. He took a mint. I believe he just lost a before. He took it. He took a mint. I believe he just lost a tooth. Oh, shit. That was a tooth. Nothing says Halloween more than Ichabod losing a tooth live on this show. I brought you a gift, too, Tony.

What? I got you a gift. Oh, great. Oh, wow. Nothing better than a gift and a virus scare in one story. This is exciting. Is it a tube? Probably.

Oh, it's a rib. It's wrapped in a paper towel. That's toilet paper. I'm already about to throw up. Am I supposed to open this? I got you some buffalo meat from Nevada. You brought buffalo meat on a bus from Nevada? It's unrefrigerated, dude.

No, you keep that. Okay, sit that. Just sit it down on a bus from Nevada. It's unrefrigerated, dude. That's like frozen. No, you keep that. That's too special. Okay, sit that. Just sit it down on the ground. I'll get it later. That is a federal offense. Jeremiah celebrates anytime something gross happens to me. You're crazy that there was a salmonella scare on that bus.

Alright, Sid. People are trying to do comedy up here, pal. What'd you say, Laura? I said it's crazy that there was a salmonella scare on that bus. Yeah, I know. Holding a handful of raw meat. Cool. Wow. Ichabod, you look better than ever.

You still on a steady diet of frozen fish sticks and Coca-Cola? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you can't make this shit up, can you? Yeah, I like all kinds of food. Yeah, like what? What's shit up, can you? Yeah, I like all kinds of food. Yeah, like what? What's something that you've eaten recently? On the way here, I had gummy bears and Hostess cupcakes. Gummy bears and cupcakes.

And a couple bites of raw buffalo. So raw buffalo meat because of the running bison joke that we have. I just don't like to get my hands dirty. I hope you're not offended at me. I don't have any space up here to keep any raw buffalo meat. But wow, this is such an exciting surprise. Anything else

in your life happen crazy lately, Ichabod? Oh, I got a raise at the dive bar. You got a raise? Yeah. Wow. Wait. Hold on, though.

Wait a second. Wasn't the dive bar only paying you in Coca-Cola? Yeah. So what do they pay you now? Oh, I don't know yet. They agreed I would get a raise, but we'll find out. So they just said that they're going to give you a raise. Yeah, that is cool.

Cool. I have some sad and good news. Don't tell me Uncle Ron. Uncle Ron did pass away. No, he did. But the good news is his funeral is tomorrow if you want to go.

This is both bad news. Yeah, this is not good at all. And the better news is this funeral is tomorrow if you want to go. This is both bad news. Yeah, this is not good at all. And the better news is I just gave you a piece of Uncle Ron. Yeah, exactly. That's what you meant. Uncle Ron was originally from Buffalo. How did he pass? Well, how did he pass?

Well, we know how he passed. He was an 80-year-old cocaine addict that was overweight. He was... Is this Ichabod cocaine addict that was overweight. He was... Is this Ichabod? Hold on. Everybody relax. I got to get the truth out of this. Ichabod, is this true what you're saying, or is that a joke that Uncle Ron passed away?

No, it's not a joke. I just found out myself. There was... How did you find this out? Someone was selling some painkillers and said, oh, thank God I found you because this Ron guy isn't around anymore. Hold on a second. Do you have Uncle Ron's phone number?

Do I? No, I have a different phone now. He's on my other phone I left at home. This is one of the weirdest endings to any episode of Kill Tony. Uncle Ron is a famous character in the history of the show and you just dropped it like he died,

like it was nothing. Well, bad news and dropped it like he died, like it was nothing. Well, bad news and good news, he died. Funeral's tomorrow. Well, when I come back next... That was the good news, was the funeral's tomorrow. It's so bizarre. I was thinking about when I come back next, I could do a special tribute to Ron K,

do a one-minute as Ron K, similar to what we've just seen, maybe. Let me ask you this. You said that you were... Hold on, let me... Because I'm so confused right now. You said what dealer? Your meth dealer? No, painkiller. Painkiller dealer

said to you, this Ron... Thank God you want painkillers because this Ron guy just died. No, a friend of a friend of a friend. Okay, sure. So you're getting painkillers and then a guy says that Ron just died. Did you confirm that it was the same? No, he said he's not around anymore. Yeah, yeah. Ron? We looked it up on the internet

there and he has a great obituary. A little dedication and then Uncle Ron will be loved and missed by all, I think. Wow. Yeah, well you're absolutely right. For the Die Hard Kill Tony fans out there, this is really sad news.

I probably shouldn't have brought it up. No, it's fine. It's good because it's good to keep the storylines there so that when Uncle Ron never shows up again, we know why. You're the only other person that knew Uncle Ron. You don't even have his fucking phone number. What was Ron's last name?

He doesn't know. Ichabod just brought a pound of what? Oh, you don't want to say it? We could read his obituary live on the show. What is it? Craybill. How do you spell that? K-R-A-Y-B-I-L-L.

You guys want to read Uncle Ron's obituary on the air? K-R-A-Y what? B-A-L-L. Craybill. K-R... Ichabod. Oh, shit. K-R... I got it. There-A-B-O-D. Oh, shit. K-R...

I got it. There's a picture of him right here. Oh, my God. You got to spell it. K-R... K-R-A-Y-B-I-L-L. Aw. Uncle Ron.

K-R-A-Y... Nope. K-R-A-Y... B-I-L-L. B-I-L-L? B-I-L-L. I can read it. We got it.

Nope. We got it. It's coming right up here. Welcome back to Read That Obituary. Yes. B-I-L-L. I can read it. We got it. Nope, we got it. It's coming right up here. Welcome back to Read That Obituary. Yes, this is October. Wow, this is so sad. October 7th, 2019, Ron Crabill was born April 27th. This is a cocaine-addicted casino dealer.

Ron Crabill was born April 27th 27, 1949 in New Jersey and passed away October 7, 2019. He's survived by his brothers, Jim and Bob, nephew Bill and a host of friends and extended family. That's true. Craig Olds, Des, Jack Connors, Jeffrey McGowan, Don Ruby, Johannes and Becky Tesfaye, Paul Deanna, Ron loved horse racing

and was always the practical joker and attended all the many shows and concerts in Las Vegas. Uncle Ron was loved and will be sorely missed. And that is true. Google his amazing performances here on Kill Tony. A very,

what would be the word, a very not really, you know, one of the guys that just was so naturally funny. Didn't really know always, I think didn't always know why everyone was cracking up but he destroyed on this show numerous times and so what better time to celebrate him than a good old

Halloween week with the great Ichabod. Thanks for swinging by, Ichabod. And rest in peace, Uncle Ron. And we did it. Another Kill Tony live from the Comedy Store. This is our fourth show in a row. We did Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, This is our fourth show in a row. We did Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, and Hollywood all four days in a row.

Look at this drawing from Ryan J. Ebelts, everybody. He did that while you all sat there doing nothing. The new Kill Tony the book is available now on Amazon and at ryanjebelt.com, including all the past prints of the show and the tour posters are all there. Be sure to check out Lara Bytes headlining this Thursday. Two different places this Halloween. Check it out. Follow her on Instagram at Lara Bytes, all one word, L-A-R-A-B-E-I-T-Z.

How about one more time for Lara, everybody, and how about one more time for the great Daniel Van Kirk, everyone. His debut album, Thanks, Diane, is on pre-sale right now and is available everywhere November 15th. He's absolutely hysterical, so make sure you check out that debut album. DanielVanKirk.com for everything else. He's touring the Midwest, Nashville, Cincy, Louisville, and, God, I still can't read that, Milwaukee, and North Carolina.

Jeremiah Watkins is in Huntington Beach, San Diego, Kansas City, St. Louis, Chicago. That's all at jeremiahwatkins.com, but I plugged all those dates earlier on in the show. And don't forget about us. We're traveling. Washington, D.C., second show just added. Columbus, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, and some other fun things about to be announced for the year 2020. How about a hand for the great Jeremiah Watkins, everybody? The return of the Mental Patience.

For those of you that don't know, Mental Patience has been voted by all the least favorite character of all time, but an amazing return tonight. If you haven't seen the show before, every other character they do is funnier than that, so make sure you check out all the past episodes of

the show. We will return. Follow me on social media at JeremiahStandUp and listen to Jeremiah Wonders with Steven Randolph this week at YouTube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins. That's true. Fresh off of his first trip to Australia and so is the drummer Joel Berg. Joel Jimenez

everybody. Joel Berg is an official Ludwig artist. He's on social media, mostly sorry. He's going to be at, I think, a couple of those gigs with Jeremiah, maybe Huntington Beach and San Diego or something like that. Huntington Beach and San Diego, Joel. Very good. What else, Joel Berg?

Just Australia, we love you. Thank you for coming out. That's right. We had so much fun in Australia. Unbelievable times, guys. And look for all those episodes this week on the Kill Tony YouTube page. Absolutely. And next week is

Moshe Kesher and Bonnie McFarlane. And the week after that is Tim Dillon and, for the first time ever, New York the great Mike Feeney will be here the week after that. So a lot of funny guests coming up, a lot of funny episodes. We're rolling with pure momentum here. So we love you guys. Thank you so

much for joining us. No one has more fun on Mondays than us. Good night, everybody. ច្រាប់បានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានប� Outro Music you Thank you.