KILL TONY - KILL TONY #412

Episode Date: November 15, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 11/07/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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December 12th, we'll be in Columbus, Ohio at the Newport Music Hall. December 14th, we'll be in Pittsburgh at the Rex Theater. December 15th, we'll be in Cleveland at the House of Blues. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. ShopSquad.tv, that's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. There you have the new Kill Tony shirt. You also have some hats, some Death Squad shirts and a bunch of stuff. That's Shop Squad dot TV. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, Tony Hinchcliffe dot com. There you have his own stand up comedy tour dates and merchandise. Go to Tony Hinchcliffe dot com. And last but not least, Ryan J. Ebelt, the house

artist. He has a new Kill Tony book. It's on Amazon or RyanJEbelt.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Washington, D.C. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get off of Tony Hetchcliffe. Washington, D.C. Here we go. The first ever fucking Kill Tony. Oh, yeah, baby. Hey, it's Brian Redman, everybody.

Look, come on. We're here. We're live. What an energetic, fun crowd. We're live from a fucking ghetto-ass basement in Washington, D.C. I don't know. We're on, like, the second floor, but somehow it's a basement. I don't know.

I don't have it figured out yet, but we're here. It's Washington, D.C., the nation's capital. How are you guys doing tonight? You excited about this? Very fun. It's our first time ever doing one of these in our nation's great capital, the home of our greatest president that we've ever had of all time. It's very exciting to be here.

We have two shows that are sold out here tonight. We're doing stand-up comedy four times here this weekend. So if you guys get excited, still some tickets available for stand-up shows where I headline, Red Band, Jeremiah and Joel all do guest spots and we're going to have a lot of fun. It's exciting stuff. And then the road

continues. Columbus, Ohio, December 12th. Pittsburgh, December 14th. Cleveland, December 15th. Ryan J. Ebel made some really cool Washington D.C. special, very special Kill Tony posters. Those are available after the show. We'll sign them. We'll take pictures with you. You can touch our hands if you'd like.

Oh. Exciting stuff. Jeremiah is a headliner now. He's all over the road. November 16th, Huntington Beach. St. Louis, the end of November. Kansas City, the end of December. And Chicago Zanies Rosamond, the beginning of January, Kansas City the end of December, and Chicago Zanies

Rosamond the beginning of January. Also San Diego December 6th. Little baby boy's all grown up doing his own headlining gigs out there. That's exciting stuff. And yeah, let's just jump right into it, shall we? Right? Everyone's excited? I'm excited too.

It's fun to be here. I like this room. It's very tight, split down the middle, sort of like a V-shape. There's nothing 15 feet in front of me. There's just a wall. Yeah. The cameras are bounced on napkins, so if anyone sneezes, the cameras might fall down. There you go.

No sneezing during the show, everybody. So, yeah, let's just jump right into it but before we do you know what i want to tell you something traveling's been crazy lately and uh one of the things that uh i i think we have bad habits from ohio we walk around all the time with these clunky wallets we used to always have it in your back pocket. It's not good for your back. And that's why we just both fell in love with Ridge Wallet. It is just unbelievable. You could talk about, you know what I mean, that old grandpa wallet that we used to have. It was thick.

It was bad for us, the traveling. But now Ridge Wallet. Yeah, I don't know if you're like me. I usually like, hey, I'll just buy a new wallet at Target, and I'll stuff everything in it. My wallet was like the size of a cheeseburger, and I would just be sitting on it all the time. He likes thick cheeseburgers, people. Thick cheeseburgers. He says cheeseburger.

We're talking about a double patty. Yeah. And how many times have you been just driving, and you're just like noticing, like, oh, shit, I've been sitting on this like this rock for the last three hours. It's been killing my back ever since I got this Ridge Wallet. It's amazing, man. It's so small, and it makes you not put all the junk that you would normally put in your wallet, and it just slides in your front pocket.

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That was the first ever Ridge Wallet ad read here in Washington, D.C. Now you feel special. Oh, now it's about us. So let's get this fun train rolling along. As with all of our road episodes, no guests tonight. No one to clutter this shit up or give away the ending to the new Joker movie. You know what I mean? Let's just have a smooth, fun episode.

But there is a band, ladies and gentlemen. They made it all the way here. Yep. This is their first time ever in Washington, D.C. I told them there's great comedy crowds in D.C. So let's see how you guys treat them. Every single episode, they commit to doing different characters. We never know what they're going to be or what they're going to do.

This is a very small green room that we have tonight. So I actually, for the first time ever, had to face a different direction. I had to face the stage. I was on the other side of that wall facing this way while they got ready behind me because there was no second green room. There's no offices here. This is literally the basement scene from Inglorious Bastards here in Washington, D.C.

Like if anybody fired a gun, six people would die from one bullet. So let's see what they are tonight. I get the feeling this might be special because this is the nation's capital. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band.

Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Whoa! What? Wow. Oh, my goodness. Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States of America, Donald J. Trump. Number 42? Number 43?

Number 45. Number 46. Number 47. Number 48. Donald motherfucking Trump. You've been on this show a few times. You're one of the greatest characters, one of the greatest people that we ever have joining us.

How's it going? We're in one of your homes. It's good to be here, Tony. Can I just say it's tremendous to be here? And also, Tony, you said my name earlier. You summoned me. I'm like Beetlejuice. I love it. What the fuck?

Wow. And then clearly back here, we have what appears to be a... Let's see how learned this man is. What appears to be a transgender Danny Trejo Tony my name is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez that's right

oh my goodness I'm gonna write that down and I'm appalled to be up here on stage with this racist wow I can't believe you two are together. This is Alexandra's. Definitely. I would remember this. This is your first time on the show, correct? I've been fighting climate change.

We only have two years left, Tony. Oh, I am excited about this. What an incredible dynamic. Two different sides of the spectrum. Donald Trump, how does it feel being this close to Alexandra? I don't know. She's got two strikes against her already. One woman, gross.

Two Mexican, we all know it. Wow. Well, I am excited about this. Two amazing political figures. One of them a president. One of them certainly will never get farther than Congress her entire life. This is exciting. This is probably the biggest deal you're ever going to be part of

because you're just a liberal hype train that really accomplishes nothing, has no experience and no real talents whatsoever. Can I just show off the shoes I bought because nobody can see them from behind the drums? You know how hard it is to find a size 11 at a Goodwill? A lot of rumors amongst diehard fans of the show

that Joel will find any excuse to dress like a woman when he's picking characters. And I will say, Joel, that wearing women's shoes when you are behind drums the entire show is a little bit shady. It doesn't really help your case as to being a manly man that just gets into character. They're flat. They feel good on the drum pedals.

I had a Russian hooker piss on me earlier, so I'm ready to go. Which brings me to this. The Dirty D.C. fucking Thomas Jefferson Bucket of Destiny. This is it. A lot of sign-ups tonight. I'm very impressed.

I'm very proud of you, Washington. A lot of people with balls out here. Maybe it's a local killer comedian. Maybe it's someone trying it out for the first time. You guys know how it works. If I pull your name out, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then,

or else you're going to bring out the angry DuPont Circle Bear. Is that right? That's the right reference? I think so. Now, a little fun fact for you. Since the entire front is completely blocked, there's only one way to get on this stage. And I'm sure one of the great employees here, there's many of them here. How about a hand for the staff here at the Comedy Lock? Very welcoming.

Very nice people. There's a doorway there. Someone's going to crack that for you in just a second so that you can see where it is. But there's clearly a doorway right over there. It's a red door. It's closed right now. It probably should be open if any staff member of any capacity, perhaps a former staff member, maybe someone that got fired a few months ago.

If someone could just crack that door open so that everybody could sort of see where they're going, that'd be great. There you go. You got it. Hell yeah. A lady that is just a complete audience member took care of it. So you guys are going to walk through there. You're going to make an immediate right. You're going to take your time. Don't step on the pizza boxes or any

other contraptions that are back there. Walk a straight line. Take your time. Do not hurt yourself. And then come up on this stage and get behind the microphone. You get 60 seconds uninterrupted, and then we talk with you about your life. Maybe find out more interesting stuff about you. You guys ready to start this motherfucking show? Live from Washington, D.C.

It's the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony. And your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Marshall Lee. Here we go. I feel so fresh and so fresh and so clean, clean, clean. When you look at me, I feel so fresh and so fresh. It's Marshall Lee, ladies and gentlemen.

Here we go. What's up, D.C.? Nation so good. It's Marshall Lee, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. What's up, D.C.? Nationals won. We're world champs. We're world champs. I like eating pussy from the back because I can smell what she ate. I got her diet. Oh, is that keto?

That's good for you. I see you. Oh, is that McDonald's breakfast all day? I know they serve breakfast all day, but it doesn't mean you have to eat it. It's terrible, man. Eat all that shit. I like hooking up with these chicks. For my first time, this girl had longer legs than me.

I was on my toes for the first time. Like ballerina feet. It was terrible. Oh, my goodness. Got fired from a non-profit. I was trying to make some profit. They're like, we don't want it. Have to have it for humanity, man. Fuck them. Fuck y'all. I was trying to make some profit. They're like, we don't want it. Happen to have

for humanity, man. Fuck them. Fuck y'all. I don't need it. We're moving on. It's moving up. I was driving the work truck, cutting people off. This guy flicked me off one time. I was like, hey, man. This guy happened to have on the side. Just went to my act. He was recording me. I was like, hey. I was with

this chick. She's 5'2". I'm 6'8". We couldn't 69. I was up there spitting on the pussy and she was down there turning butter that's my time thank y'all Marshall Lee I feel so fresh and so fresh and so clean clean clean Marshall welcome to the show this is

clearly your first time on been doing it a year but it's your first time on Kill Tony of course it is you haven't been to Los Angeles before nah nah

hell no I like your style you came out guns a blazing talking about Washington Nationals winning the World Series a very William Montgomery

like maneuver to come out guns a blazing pandering getting them on your side is that true that you like eating pussy

from the back side that is that you like eating pussy from the backside? That is. Really? You really do that? Yeah. Do you have a steady girlfriend that you do that with or do you just do that on first dates? What are we talking about here? I've been unhinged but I've been seeing someone. You've been unhinged. What does that mean to you? Swiping right.

You've been going crazy getting all the pussy that you possibly can looking like a Timothy McVeigh Oklahoma City bomber from the mid-90s. It's a reference I've never used before in over 400 episodes of this show, but you brought it out, MA. I love it.

Anyway, so when you meet these girls and you go on a date with them, that's what you'll do? You'll say, hey, get on all fours. I'm going to eat your pussy from the back. That's not what I say. You don't say it? What do you say?

I'll buy these drinks. First round. Wow, first round. Wow, and it takes one drink. What else are you adding to that drink? Yeah. Exactly. Raising the roofie over here, huh?

Tall guy like you. You're the first comedian in the history of the show that's almost hit his head on the ceiling while performing. 6'8", door frames, man. I know you're a tall build yourself. 6'8"? You're 6'8"? Yes, sir.

Really? I'm 7'9". I'm the tallest man in the world. Guinness raised me. Can you even fly? Like, what happens when you try to fly? Yes, I have wings, actually. I'm very strong, very fast.

You mentioned that you like eating pussy from the back. At one point, a few seconds later, you said out of nowhere, you reset, and you said, I like hooking up with chicks. Now, in the history of this show, and it even just happened a couple weeks ago, one thing that we've noticed is when people say things that bluntly, right,

that often they've had a very gay experience in their life. It's like, I like hooking up with chicks. Really? There's been a lot of gay experiences? On the show. On the show? What show? On this show, he's saying. Yeah, Kill Tony's

gotten really gay lately. Yes. How about with you? Any gay experiences in your life? I'm trying to change that. No, but my brother's homosexual.

Your brother's a homosexual. Love him. You love him. Have you ever thought about killing him? No. But you've never had any homosexual experiences

yourself? No. No? Are you sure? Yes. homosexual experiences yourself? No. No? Are you sure? Yes. You're positive? Positive. Trump, does he seem like he's lying to you? This guy's a fag.

I had a feeling. I had a feeling. I call it like I see it. Oh, I'm sorry. You said that you worked for a non-profit. Is that true, Marshall? What was the non-profit? Habitat for Humanity of Northern Virginia.

I owe you a couple million dollars. Pretty upsetting. What do you do for work now? Green roofing. Landscape on the roofs. You do landscaping on people's roofs? Commercial buildings. Commercial buildings. Where, you do landscaping on people's roofs? Commercial buildings. Commercial buildings.

Yeah. Where they put grass and trees on roofs, you know? Oh, it's cool. Do you even have to get on top of the roof, or do you just look up at the side and just do it from... You're so tall. Six foot eight. That's what I do.

Yeah. How long you been doing that for? Too fucking long. You ever think about jumping off the roof that you're working on? Looks better every goddamn day. Yeah, absolutely. How about for fun? too fucking long you ever think about jumping off the roof that you're working on looks better every goddamn day yeah absolutely

how about for fun any hobbies guy like you love playing basketball love working with bamboo wait what do you hold on a second wait a second

what do you what do you love doing with bamboo trying to make shelves and cup holders and ashtrays wow this is interesting

how long does it take for you to make like a and ashtrays. Wow. This is interesting. How long does it take for you to make a bamboo ashtray? How long does it take for you to answer a question about a bamboo ashtray? 30 minutes. 30 minutes. To make a bamboo ashtray? Yeah.

Wow. My goodness. Well, you had some real bams during your set, and I also heard a few boos, so that makes sense. That's actually what I call Vietnamese women is bamboo ashtrays. Donald J. Trump.

Wow. Anything else crazy we should know about you, Marshall? I passed out on a roof recently. You passed out on a roof? Weed pen. Weed pen. You just smoked so much that you fell asleep? Is that what you mean? It was early in the morning.

It was my buddy's pen. And I ripped it and I was holding it a long time. Didn't drink a lot of water. I saw purple, saw black. I was out. You literally passed out. Were you standing up when you passed out? And then I found the wall and I fell down.

You sort of did the old slouch. How long were you out for? What did your friends say? Just a couple minutes. Just a couple minutes. Just a couple minutes. That sounds like a near-death experience. I don't know if that's really a pass out. Trump just came when he said you found a wall.

Hey. Go! Go! Fuck you. You're a tall man. What's your bamboo like? Hey, Alexandra wants to know. She might want to fucking...

The guy wearing heels wants to know. How dare you? And would you ever eat the representative for New York's 14th Congressional District's pussy from the back? Whoa. Looks like she wants you to find her new brown deal. New brown deal?

I don't know. That sort of works. All right, Marshall. Well, you know, you got the show started today. I mean, what can I say? You came out guns a-blazing. You've been doing it a year. You eat the pussy from the back.

You can smell the things. I'll tell you this. Red Band loved it. That is his wheelhouse. I love eating it from the back also. Of course. Red Band loves eating everything from the front and the back. Pussy, butt, burgers,

fries, buttermilk biscuits. He calls it the drive-thru. But at one point, Brian was the only person clapping out of the entire showroom. Brian loved your part where you could smell what they

ate. I like it when the buttholes are a little stained around the hole. Okie dokie. Wow. This is just absolutely disgusting. Right from the get. There he goes. Tony, I'd really like you to ask me if my favorite sex position or if I have any tricks in the bedroom.

Okay, sure. I love that. If anyone ever has a good answer, set me up and I will fall right into that trap. Do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom or sexual positions that you like to do? I do have one. Yeah, what is it? I like to start hitting from the back

and then she strains her one leg and then you roll over and then she gets her legs higher up and then you're on the bottom and you're fucking up. You mean you like switching from doggy style to being on bottom without removing your penis? I think

that's a pretty common maneuver. I don't know. She's facing up. My goodness. She's facing up? She's facing you? She's on top of you facing you after that? I'm facing up. She's facing up.

Will you please show the room with you after that. I'm facing up. She's facing up. Will you please show the room with Alexandra? Yeah. For those of you listening to the show, Alexandra just shot the fuck up out of her chair as fast as I've

nipped. This show is getting started with a fucking bang. Spitting on his hand. He wipes his dick. Wow, he's got the... He's got her hips. Whoa!

Whoa! Wow. Wow, that's sweet. This is what you're talking about? Oh, my God, Alexandra. Wow. It's come everywhere. So that's the movie we're talking about,

doggy style and a reverse cowgirl? My God, you made it seem like it was something entirely. I mean, I just think that's easy, transitioning from one thing into the other without taking your dick out. Perhaps you have a small penis or something like that? No. Smaller than normal to where that's like a hard move to pull off?

Seven and a quarter. Seven and a quarter centimeters. How exciting, everybody. Wow, that's pretty good. Has an elbow. Wow, yes. Felt bigger to me. Wow, look at that.

Well, I mean, what can I say? We all learned some 10th planet jujitsu here tonight Thanks to you and your sex advice Marshall Lee, everybody Getting the show started Live from D.C. That's a way to get the show started Joel shot up off that drum stool

Faster than I've ever seen him stand up before. Who is this Joel that you keep bringing up? Oh. The one with the blown out of ass. Hey, I just got us a new Coca-Cola spice. Nice. What's it taste like? It's like barefoot water skiing while dolphins click with glee.

Whoa, let me try. Nah, it's like gliding on a gondola through waving waters as a mermaid sings. Nah, it's like Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola Spiced today. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning. Which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute?

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Okie dokie. Here we go. I pulled another name out. Let's see what happens. This looks like a fun name. How about Dariel Alvarado? Dariel Alvarado. Hey!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ball so hard. Yeah. Here we go. Daryell. All right. Hello. How's it going, everybody?

Woo! My name's Daryell Alvarado. I have a, I know I got a kind of a tough name. I'm doing this whole racially ambiguous middle schooler thing. I don't know if anybody... Am I pulling it off well? I've been doing this thing, jerking off. You guys ever... It's kind of backfired for me.

I've watched so much HD porn that I can't have sex without my glasses on. I've watched so much HD porn that having sex with my glasses on is like watching a YouTube video in 2008. There's a lot of buffering. You're like, should I just load up all the way first? I think porn is bad.

I think porn sets unrealistic expectations. Like now, I can't cum if I don't have headphones on. I'm going to have to buy AirPods or something, I don't know. And I know it's bad, because the last girl I had sex with, I had to have her put her finger in my ear. Like a headphone. Thank you, guys.

All right, well, I guess that's it. Darielle. Hell yeah. Ball so hard. Wow. Darielle, this is very exciting. We've never had Will Smith's daughter on the show before. I'm gonna have to go.

I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to go. Ball so hard. Wow. Darielle, this is very exciting. We've never had Will Smith's daughter on the show before. Welcome, welcome. The fresh princess of Bel-Air is here, everybody. Now, Darielle, welcome.

How old are you? 22 on Monday. 22 on Monday. You doing anything fun for your birthday? I'm seeing you tomorrow. Oh, okay. All right. That is the greatest birthday gift one can get themselves on Monday. You doing anything fun for your birthday? I'm seeing you tomorrow. Oh, okay. Alright. That is the greatest birthday gift one can get themselves is a ticket to see

Tony Hinchcliffe live doing stand-up comedy here all weekend. Four shows here at the Comedy Loft. Anyway, that's fun, Dariel. So you're 21 as of now. Yes, sir. How's 21 been going for you? Not bad. I've been touching people. That's my favorite going for you? Not bad. I've been touching people.

That's my favorite thing. Okie dokie. His name is Dariel, is that right? Yes, sir. You sound like the new female black little mermaid that's coming out. Dariel. That is true.

I loved your set. I thought you really took us into the Spider-Verse. It was... So you've been 21 this past year. What do you mean by touching people? You know, like emotionally, physically, you know, inside. Can you be more specific? Like you've been in relationships or what do you mean?

You know, like what I like to do is if I'm passing somebody on the street, I'll just, like, touch their shoulder. Shut the fuck up. What are you talking about? You know, like, hey, good job, and then, like, just send them on the way. You're just being creepy? No, I'm, like, trying to give them a good feeling through the day, you know? But what about the many people that you walk by that are probably already doing better than you?

They're like, why the fuck did that little peasant just touch me on my way to my fucking, you know, seven-figure-a-year job? I got this fucking little... Yeah. Yep. I thought about that. Hell yeah. I love you on Mixed-ish, by the way.

It's one of my new favorite shows on CBS primetime, on After Black-ish. I have an audition for White-ish next week. I'm excited about it. What is that on your shirt? Oh, it's a cat with a headdress on. So it's a racist cat? It's a racist cat.

Wow. Look at that. Very exciting. I can't even see it, and I love it. I thought Trump was the only racist pussy on this stage. Whoa. Wow. Oh my God. Alexandra.

My goodness. Donald Trump, would you like to respond to this young lady? No, save it for later. Wow. Look at that. He's got something up his sleeve. I've turned a new leaf. I'm biting save it for later. Wow. Look at that. He's got something up his sleeve. I've turned a new leaf. I'm biting my tongue for once. So, Dariel, how long have you been doing stand-up? Started in March, so like seven, eight months now.

Seven or eight months now. Heck yeah. Very cool. And these relationships that you've had recently. You've had a girlfriend? I have a girlfriend now, yeah. Where'd you meet her? On Tinder.

How long have you guys been together? Almost a month. Our first date, we got in a car accident. Did she die? Yeah. She died on our first date. We've still been together a month. He just drags the corpse around. They go find Pokemon and shit

like that. It's like Weekend at Bernie's, but a fucking very youthful Disney edition of it. So who was driving? I was driving. Uh-huh. What happened? So there was an accident in front of me,

so then we got rear-ended, and then that was the whole accident. That's how cars work, and yeah. Asian girl? Asian girl? No, actually. Half Spanish, half German. Oh, very good.

Sperman. Tough cookie. How do you feel about that? I like one of the halves. How about you? You have any special sexual maneuvers that you do to her? We found one earlier that was just incredible. This one guy can switch from doggy style to another position

without taking his dick out. Yes, would you mind displaying it on the whore back here one more time? Alexandra, come on out. He gave you a signal. Let's fucking do this. We'll do it all night long. By the end of the night, someone's gonna penetrate you. Alright, so

let me put this down. Oh, wow. Are you gonna explain it at all? Yeah, okay. I'm kind of a skinny guy, So what I do is when she's in front of me, right? And we're like laying down on our... No, you have to be in front of me. Do you not know how directions work? Get in front, Alexandra.

So you get in front of me, right? And then we're fucking from here. You fucking the regular standing position? You think the pussy's where the belly button is? Damn! So we're like making out here and then I just kind of slide down

and then you kind of come down with me. Oh. Oh my god. Wow. I guess the big move here in DC is to just go from one position to another without taking your dick out. We're learning a lot here.

You know, in D.C. No, you put your dick in at the bottom. Put your dick in at the bottom of what? Your dick's not up at the top. Wait, what? You're not right about this. I am. At the bottom. You have so much confidence.

Whatever you're trying to say right now. So you're standing there fucking? How tall is this girl? No! You put your dick in at the bottom. You have so much confidence, whatever you're trying to say right now. So you're standing there fucking? How tall is this girl? No, you put your dick in at the bottom. Oh, so you're like making out. She's in front of you standing up, and then you fall backwards like you just hit your friend's vape pen first thing in the morning. Then she crawls on top and starts fucking you.

Yes. What do you fall back on? Is it a bed? It can be if there's one. Stop fucking talking to me like that. This guy's got way too much swagger. A little 21-year-old punk. Keep this up. I'm gonna ruin

your birthday tomorrow night at the stand-up comedy show. Alright. Darielle, anything else you think we need to know about you? Any fun facts about you? I try to be a nice guy, so whenever I walk the streets of D.C. and I notice somebody got a ticket, I just take it off for them. All right.

That makes it worse for them. Yeah, Dariel. You play any sports or anything like that? You do any physical activities? I have asthma. I have a pet turtle. Wow. You look like a pet turtle. Well, Daryl, you were fun up here.

Congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. This was your first time ever on Kill Tony, and we'll see you tomorrow during a stand-up comedy show. Daryl Alvarado. He's on social media at alvarado.jpg. You fall so hard. How about a hand for the band? Killing it already tonight.

Always new songs. Tony, I've already been fucked twice, and the show's not even over yet. It's been a good night. And you're about to be fucked a third time this upcoming election. Pulled another name out. Make some noise for your next comedian, Rye Mather. Rye Mather.

Here we go. Oh, here comes Rye. He was ready right by the door. Here we go. Here he is, Rye Mather, everybody. Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody. So I moved over here from England,

and when I was moving over, I had to get all my vaccinations done again because I lost all the records from when I was a kid. And I was really nervous because of all this talk about, like, anti-vaxxers saying it causes autism. So I spoke to my doctor, and he was like, look, just don't worry about it. You can't get it twice. Living over here has been pretty difficult as well because I've got a big family back in

England that I miss. And my oldest brother, he's actually 20 years older than me. And my dad had him when he was 20 and me when he was 40. And we have no idea who's the mistake. me when he was 40 and we have no idea who's the mistake. And everyone's always called me an old soul and I didn't really know what that means until recently I learned that that means you're a miserable bastard. But then I did some more digging and it made sense. I was like, of course I'm an old soul. I'm from 40 year old jizz. Old from day one.

Yeah, Rye Mather. We're in Washington, D.C., so it's this kind of music. Rye Mather, congratulations. Fun set. Thank you. Got good laughs. Steady throughout. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Started in January. Started in January. Wow laughs. How long have you been doing stand-up? Started in January. Started in January. Wow. And how long have you been in America? Two and a half years. Two and a half years. What's it like to be in the country that your people once owned and then we had to beat your ass in the Revolutionary War right here

in the capital of fucking America? The strong military. I get reminded of it every day. Hell yeah. That's goddamn right. I didn't really learn much about it living in England. They didn't talk about it. Right.

Yeah, I bet they don't talk about it much over there. Like, oh, we used to have all this promising shit, and then we lost it like a bunch of fucking tea-drinking pussies. You were the first one to Brexit two and a half years ago. What made you come here? My wife, she's American. Whoa, you found yourself a fucking winner wife, huh? Not one of those

crooked teeth fucking no ass having London girls. Yeah, pretty much. They have no asses over there. Do you guys know that? You go to London, there's no butts. You black guys here would have no idea what the fuck to do there. Do you guys know that? You go to London and there's no butts. You black guys here would have no idea what the fuck to do there. Oh, hell no.

Spinning in circles. I'm going to Ireland. Fuck this shit. Trump, what do you think about this guy? I think he looks like Sesame Street, Jason Statham. That is true. What do you think you look like? Just a nice standard Just a standard guy

Standard bloke Default player The old bloke He looks like a hipster Charlie Brown I agree with that I agree 100% So what do you do for work here? I work as a recruiter

A recruiter What are you recruiting for? Technology? I work as a recruiter. A recruiter. What are you recruiting for? Technology. Okay. How about your wife? What does she do? She works in project management. What kind of project?

It seems like there's a lot of projects here around Washington, D.C., so that didn't get a laugh. That hit close to home, huh? Wow. You guys didn't like that one at all. All right. it's fun what do you like to do for fun any new american hobbies you've been fucking uh doing anything cool like you know fucking real sports or anything like that where you use your hands or something not really i don't really understand most sports over here so i don't really get it. What do you have, asthma and a pet turtle? Jesus Christ.

My God. Incredible. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? Play video games, watch a lot of TV. I'm pretty boring. Watch a lot of TV. Downton Abbey and shit like that? Yeah, sometimes.

Good old Downton Abbey. My goodness. Gracious. Great balls of fire. So where did you meet your wife at? In England. She was traveling and then we met. Yeah, how did you meet her?

Instagram, of all places. Wow. So what happened? She slid into your DMs? It was back in the days before DMs, I think. Jesus Christ. How long ago was this? Back when Instagram was just a scroll that you would show to one another.

There was no direct messages back then. You had to physically paint a picture and show it to the girl. A Polaroid. You know when Twitter was bird messengers that you'd just send? What kind of Instagram didn't have DMs? Back in the day, you couldn't DM on it. It was just comments. Oh, my God.

I don't remember that. You remember this? I don't remember that at all. British Instagram? Yeah, I guess, yeah. Maybe we had the ghetto version in Britain. Oh my goodness. We didn't get DMs till later. Wow. What such losers

over there. And so what happened? She posted a picture and you commented? I just thought she was traveling and I was like, hey, if you want to hang out. How did you see her? How did you follow her? How did you see it in the first place? I've got friends over here

from when I used to play in a band. Oh, what band did you play in? What was the name of the band? We were called Almost Home. Almost what? Almost Home. The last band I was in was called Burnt Earth,

but they're not on Spotify. What did you do in the band? On Bandcamp, if you want to do that. What did you do in the band? Guitar, played bass, and then one of the last bands did vocals. Oh, yeah? Can you give us a little example of some of your vocal skills?

Not really. How many of you would like to hear Rye Mather sing us a little something here? He wasn't expecting it. He hasn't had, I'm sure it takes six cups of hot tea for him to tune up. It was like punk music, so it's just shouting. Well, fucking dude, you don't need to give excuses. Just jump right into it. You just gave away the whole fucking element of surprise

right there, Ry. Come on, just give us a little fucking example. Stop making goddamn little English excuses. Alright, alright, alright. It's been like ten years. Let's just wait it out here. Ry, just go for it, buddy. Don't think for it buddy don't think about it don't think about it anymore

pretend like you're an American and have some fucking balls right now just go right into the just go right into the song honestly it's been like 10 years I can't even remember any lyrics or anything

it can literally be any song yeah you can really just make any noise whatsoever just jump right into it lose yourself in the moment you

run it kill Tony wow alright that's just that is just jump right into it. Lose yourself in the moment. Kill Tony! Wow, alright. That is just as British as it gets right there. That's why you guys are in complete chaos over there. And our economy is booming here in America

right now. It's pretty much the same as here. No, it's not. It feels it. We were just there. Last time we went to England, Brody Stevens hung himself, so we're never going back there again. I'm saying it right now. That's what happens. Going to England makes bad things happen.

I was in the hangover. Well, Rye, you got up. Good stand-up comedy. You got good beats, good delivery, good timing up. Good stand-up comedy. You got good beats, good delivery, good timing. You fucking did it. You did that part. Next time when someone asks you to sing,

just fucking go crazy. I will. All right, there you go. Poor thing. Rye Mather, everybody. Hurrah, hurrah. There goes the fucking British guy. Hurrah, hurrah.

On with the show. On to the next one. On to the next one. On to the next part. It's Kill Tony live from Washington, D.C. Want to travel the world? International Experience Canada provides opportunities for young Canadians to get a work permit in over 35 countries and territories. Visit Canada.ca slash IEC. A message from the Government of Canada.

Pulled another name out. Make some noise for Adam Cooner. Okay. Alright, Adam Cooner. That's a real last name. Here he comes. Through the darkness, I see a silhouette coming. This is very exciting. He's having a lot of trouble getting to the stage. Here he comes. What song is this?

Hey. Hey. Here he is, Adam Kooner, everybody. How's it going, Kill Tony? Yeah, we having a good night tonight. Yeah. Who bribed the fire marshal to let this happen? We're all going to die in a fire.

Yeah, Mary Poppins is a real bitch. You know what I mean? Think about it. Apparently she's a flying magical wizard lady whose sole purpose is to help children and where does she go upper class London yeah great

yeah cause there's no Siberian orphans that could use a spoonful of sugar you know what I mean maybe just the medicine I uh I don't know anybody got depression out there anybody I always get a cheer which doesn't make a whole lot of sense I don't know um yeah I got depression I'm trying to figure out if it's the kind of depression where you have like a chemical imbalance in your brain you know what

I mean or I'm just kind of fat and bad at everything, and that makes me sad. You know? My doctor asked me, he's like, have you ever had any suicidal ideation? I was like, I don't know, maybe. But I also have a crippling fear of failure, so it kind of works itself out. You know what I mean? Thank you. There you go, Adam Kooner.

How's it going? How are you, Adam? How's it going? How are you, Adam? How's it going? Fucking awesome, man. Huge fan. I'm so glad to be up here. I bet you are. What the fuck happened to your arm?

Your arm is, for those of you listening, he's got one of these casts that's extended from his hip and all this. He's got a pillow under it. But for some reason, during your comedy set, I noticed you're like, what is the deal with this? You're using that left hand a lot. I usually talk with my hands, so it's real awkward. Is your arm broken at all?

Is there anything wrong with it? What the fuck is happening? What are you showing me there? What is that? That's a shoulder injury? Yeah, I had a surgery a couple of weeks ago or whatever. What was the surgery? It's a long story, but

basically a drunk guy hit me with his motorcycle crossing the street in 2015. Wow. And I've had a bunch of surgeries to fix it. He was drunk? I'm pretty sure because I was pretty sure because his eyes were all droopy. Is that the guy that you just said hi to? What the fuck was that?

The guy's right here. Sam, it was this. This? The guy's right here. No, sorry. I recognize him. Sam, it was this? This Michael Che-looking character right here? This fucking guy? Yeah, yeah. That's Leroy Fury. He's funny as fuck. Oh, okay.

There you go. There's a shout-out. There's all the plugs you could ever ask for. Now I hope you get hit by another drunk motorcyclist. So what was the long story short part? I don't get it. What else is there to the story? It's just like it was a big pain in the ass because I was a Peace Corps volunteer at the time.

So I had to ask like Department of Labor for money to like actually get the surgery. And it took fucking forever. You didn't pay for it? No. The Peace Corps exactly remind us all what exactly that is. You go to another country. You spend about 27 months there. You go to a community and try to help.

Right. It's just basically like, it's not like military. It's more just like helping. No, no, no. It's just to post black and white photos on Instagram. So many. Look at us. We're in a village.

Security. He's not wrong. He's not wrong. Hell yeah. So there you are. A little white knight action, huh? What do you do for work now, Adam? I'm a database analyst.

Oh, okay. Yeah, it's real boring. Yeah, that sounds like a good job for a guy that's had a bunch of shoulder surgeries and shit. That's true. My goodness. What do you do for fun? Play guitar. Jerk off with your right hand, I'm guessing.

You play guitar? Just recently started, yeah. Not right now, but yeah, I play guitar, play video games, normal stuff, I suppose. Security, we have an unarmed man on stage right now. It's an army of one. That's exciting. So what's changed in your life

now that you have that cast on? Mostly the masturbation thing, I think, is really been the biggest. Are you left-handed? Yeah, yeah, generally. Really? Ew. Your right hand's the mouse hand.

You know what I mean? Like, that's just a modern thing. Oh, your right hand's the mouse hand. What the fuck are you jerking off on, Adele? What are you talking about here? Who has an actual mouse? Yeah, what are you using the mouse for while you're watching the video, then? Yeah.

Well, then you get the big screen. You just have to click it once. That's all you do. What the fuck is that? Yeah, but then you get lotion all over your mouth. Lotion? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, what?

I don't understand the rhyme. You're a one-jerk, one-video guy. I wouldn't have thought. You know what I mean? You usually switch around a little bit. You use your left hand to switch videos or to rewind or things like that. You get good at it. It's very easy.

Oh, this is his phone. My goodness. Wow. What are other things we should know about you, Adam? You come from a weird family or anything like that? Pretty normal family, I suppose. Nothing too crazy. Married seven years.

Wow. What does your wife do? She's a special education teacher. Oh, hell yeah. How is Wilma doing? He looks like Fred Flintstone. teacher. Oh, hell yeah. How is Wilma doing? He looks like Fred Flintstone. Fuck! Oh, yeah.

Seems like that would have been a special education reference since that happened. You know, I think it's beautiful that your wife works with the Tards. And can I just say... Can I just say, you know, it's a thankless job, but the Tards need love and attention just like me and you, you know what I mean? That's absolutely true. It's true. 100%.

Does she ever bring any of her work home with her? Any bad colorings or anything like that? Like, just outside of the lines? Just fucking... Honestly, she works super fucking hard. She works, like, 10, 11-hour days and then does another two hours at home, like, doing IEPs and stuff. She works really hard.

Taking care of your retarded ass. I'm starting to like this Alexandra character. Her policy is way different than what I thought from the top of the show. Just changing my mind. Adam, how long have you been doing stand-up? I think this is probably is way different than what I thought from the top of the show. Just changing my mind. Wow.

Adam, how long have you been doing stand-up? I think this is probably my 20th, 21st set. Oh, you count by the sets. About a month. That's good for a month. That's very fun. That makes you feel good when we say that, huh?

Yeah, I've been a fan for a long time. You guys are my favorite. Right. Well, I wish we could say the same about you. But, hey, that's how you get it started, dude. For a month, you're spot on. You came out. You didn't let the cast hold you back. Literally, in any

way, you kept using your hand. It seems like there's no real injury there at all. I almost feel like it's fake. This is like when William Montgomery comes out with the neck brace on sometimes. But it worked here tonight and you got through it. There he goes. Adam Cooner, everybody.

Ba-dum-bum-bum-bum-bum. You guys having fun out there? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Well, then you guys must be having a great time tonight. Pulled another one out. Here we go. Dennis Gilmore is your next comedian. Pulled another one out. Here we go.

Dennis Gilmore is your next comedian. Live. DC. Kill Tony. Fight for the right of every man. I am a real man.

Do we see movement? Dennis Gilmore. Going. Dennis Gilmore, what happened? Gone. Blacklisted. In the bathroom or something. Dennis Gilmore taking a hot shit.

Picture him just squeezing it off right now. Just shit still on his butthole. Didn't get as many wipes as it needed. Probably cleaning up all that fucking Ben's chili bowl off his asshole right now. Okay, pulled another name out. Make some noise for Matt Graham, everyone. Matt Graham.

Good last name. Matt Graham. I am a real American. Wow. It's a special Washington, D.C. music playlist from the band tonight. Is this Matt Graham making his way? Slowly but surely? Nope.

Wow, this is incredible. Oh, wow. Matt Graham must be sitting on that other dude's lap in the bathroom. Yes, they're sitting on each other's laps. Doing one of those moves where he doesn't take his dick out. Okie dokie. Red Band is just full-blown trash can here tonight.

Okay, how about Angel Johnson? Angel Johnson. Here we go. Oh, there we go. Here we go. Angel Johnson. That must be Angel Johnson. I'm sure of it. She's got a purse.

Doesn't seem like it could be a staff member. Here we go. This is very exciting. Angel. We've been touched by an angel, ladies and gentlemen. Washington, D.C.'s very own Angel Johnson, everybody. Washington, D.C.'s very own Angel Johnson, everybody. Beer Baron, D.C.

White Chocolate, D.C. It's not Chocolate City anymore. How's it going, y'all? I'm gonna kill Tony. Looks like I'm the only black girl here that is not working here. Oh, yeah, it's some sisters in here. We ain't all serving in here.

What's up, Tram? How you doing? You going to have some chocolate? No. No. No. Anyway, y'all. Oh, my God.

I only got like probably, 30 seconds left. Super tight in here, like my vagina. Anyway, I'm 34. I'm married. I don't know much about dick. You know, 12 years married, y'all. Don't clap for that. 12 years a slave.

There you go. Angel Johnson getting it going. Grab that microphone there. I have a lot of questions for you. First of all, without a doubt, my favorite set of the night so far. You were you. You came out guns a-blazin', riffin'.

When you finally got to your jokes, it actually went really well. It took you 56 seconds to get there, but when you got there, it was a work of art. Tried some crowd work on Trump. You did notice that most of the waitresses are African-American descent.

When you mentioned that you're the only black woman here, the other black woman in the audience surely let you know that she was here. I never would have guessed that she would have spoken up. There you go. You did it. It's so great that you made it all the way from Anacosta here tonight to be here. Few people like that reference. I guess I thought it was going to get a lot more.

So you took the night off at Camelot to be here tonight? Is that a good one? I do research for you people. This is how you repay me? Alright, no, just kidding. Angel Johnson. How long have you been doing stand-up? About

32 months. 32 months. Wow, that's an interesting way to count it out. I like that. Is this a custody battle or something? Let's check in with Donald J. Trump. Yes, very curious. How long has your vagina been tight? Good question.

Since birth? The black guy's laughing at that. Don't know why the white people aren't going along with it. Leon Fury's laughing. Israel Adesanya here is laughing. That style bender right here in the front row. You got a lot of fucking diehard fans here, all the way from New Zealand.

Is it really, you think your vagina's extra tight or average tight? Everybody always talks about tight. I do a lot of kegels, so. You do kegels? Yeah, kegels. I do a lot of kegels. You do kegels?

Yeah, kegels. It's when you do a beer bong with your pussy. I love that. So you use your vaginal muscles. You flex. Yeah, I tighten them. Can you show us? Oh my goodness, no.

Yeah, show us. I actually did it like four times while I was already up here. I thought I smelled something. Bitches would say that. Oh. About to have a cat fight up here? Yeah, grab his spade. Do it.

All right. So, my goodness. Angel, what do you do for work? I'm my own boss. I'm a secretary. Wow, okay. Okay, I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but those two contradict each other. Okay, I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but...

Those two contradict each other. Yeah, are you a secretary for yourself? You're also the CEO? No, no, no. I'm a secretary for a white man that wears a suit every day. Oh my goodness, what does he do for work? Nothing, I do everything for day. Oh my goodness. What does he do for work? Nothing. I do everything for him.

Wow. I like this guy. I like this guy a lot. I'm a secretary, but I don't know how to make coffee. Oh my goodness. Has he ever tried anything on you? Has he ever been a little flirtatious like an angel?

No. His wife actually works there as well. Oh, my goodness. Wow. How long have you been a secretary for? Probably for about seven years. Oh, my goodness. That's a long time. Very incredible stuff.

What do you do for fun? Come to bars, meet white guys with blue eyes whoa you making a little move on me Angel I don't know if we can no I think your wife she looks like she can fuck me up yeah that's probably true that's probably a good move you're absolutely right

I've been with black women before really they are a god damn riot LA riots They are a goddamn riot. Nice. L.A. riots. Have you been with a white guy before? Yes. He actually took my virginity. Whoa, look at that.

That's why you're still tight. Yeah. There it is. There he is. Because once you go brown, that elasticity goes down. Wow. Wow. That's an absolute fact right there. This bitch is on fire, y'all.

Wow. So a white guy took your virginity. How long ago was that? How old were you when that happened? I believe I was 21, believe it or not. Damn. No, I don't believe that. I would have guessed much younger than that. 21 years old

and a white guy took it. And then what happened? You've been with black guys since. Yeah, pretty much. White guys just fall into... White, not so bright. No. It wasn't that funny, Angel. But it's been black guys ever since.

You never went back to the white guys? No. I mean, they're just probably scared and, you know, intimidating. It's true. Are you? Yes. I am. I'm a little rough.

Really? Really? What's one of the rough maneuvers that you go to when being sexual with someone? I use my teeth. I was just going to say, you seem like someone that would be a biter. Yeah, I am a biter. Like you like leaving marks on people. Yes, I do.

Especially white guys because it's easier to leave marks on white people. Yes, you guys term purple and blue. It's fun. That's right. So now you just start with guys with a purple or blue tinge to them, and you don't have to worry about that. This woman's name is Angel Blumbrisha. She's a devil.

I don't know. Wow, that's fun. Anything else we should know about you, Angel? Any fun facts about you, your history of your life, or anything like that? I was a daddy's girl until I was two. Then that nigga left.

You mean you had a dad? I knew who he was. He was there. I have proof. I have pictures with him. I was two. Do you know where he is now? Do you ever try to find him? I actually

worked at the cemetery he was buried in. I mean, he still is buried there. Sorry, I didn't Oh my goodness. What happened to him? He died. No, he died of diabetes. Oh, wow. It's pronounced diabetes. The Caucasian

way to say it. Oh my goodness. I got a question. Was it hard growing up being a black girl with no ass? Oh, it. Oh my goodness. I got a question. Was it hard growing up being a black girl with no ass? Oh, yes. Oh, shit. Yes. Oh, shit. Answer the question, bitch.

Yes. That looks like it. Yes, hold on. Let me answer that. Yes, it is. My black car been revoked. Why you think I'm the only black bitch up in here at the Kill Tony fucking show? Come on. You keep ignoring this.

With no ass. You keep ignoring this one other lovely black woman that's here. I'm sorry. Girl, you look good once you back that back up. Trump thought it was his wall. My goodness. Well, luckily your

jokes didn't fall as flat as your ass tonight. I like your style, Angel. You mentioned that thing about your dad, the daddy's little girl until he left. That's a joke of yours, obviously, right? Yes, it is. All of that and then some

always talk about that real stuff. You got a special energy about you, Angel. I hope that you continue to do stand-up and find great joy in it. Thank you. Angel Johnson, everybody. Thank you, guys. She's on social media at Apologize For What. There's no A in that what, all one word.

Apologize, the number four, W-H-T. Hell yeah. Number four, WHT. Hell yeah. Sweet, sweet smell of cocoa butter dissipates throughout the room. I just realized she was wearing leggings the whole time. I thought she... Oh my God.

I couldn't see. Red band's all hopped up on espresso right now. It's just pure fucking coffee, believe it or not. Pulled a name out of the bucket. This looks like a fun name. Let's see what happens here. Teddy Bissrat. Teddy Bissrat.

Oops. Round favorite. America. God shed his grace on thee. Yeah, yeah. And crown him. Here he comes. Small venue, but it takes a long time to get here.

This is indeed a fire hazard. Live from Washington, D.C. Here he is, Teddy Bissrack. Hey, everybody. My name is Teddy. Small fact, my family's from Ethiopia. So if you guys ever seen that commercial with feeding a child 99 cents a day, you know, just want to say thank you because that was me.

All that donation went to food, so I appreciate it, you know. Another fun fact about Ethiopians is that typically they're homophobic um I I do jiu-jitsu so my my parents when they found out I do jiu-jitsu they're just like are you gay I'm like uh no but there's a lot of you know contact in that and you guys introduced me to martial arts early on so when when I told my family as well, the rest of my family, they're just like whispering and be like, oh my God, I think he's gay guys. I don't know. I came to this country and you got, you waste my money now. This is bullshit. I'm like, eh. But another small thing about me is that I like spicy food and I'm married. So I like to cut a lot of jalapenos and having sex with my wife.

It gets in your fingers, so when you're doing stuff, it burns. Just FYI for you guys that are going to have sex and you like spicy food. Wow, there you go. Teddy Bissroth, everybody, giving us a little lesson there. You seem very Americanized, but you still don't wash your hands after eating jalapenos, sticking with your Ethiopian roots of not washing your hands after doing things. I wash my hands, but it's still in the skin. Hell yeah.

Welcome, Teddy. You are indeed Ethiopian. Were you born in America? Yeah, I'm Ethiopian-American. Ethiopian-American. Hell yeah. Are you just saying that because you're afraid the president's going to deport you? He's right behind you there.

But your parents were born in Ethiopia. Yes. And what did they take, a pirate ship here? Close to it. Yeah. My dad was a refugee, and he came here with no money so wow how did he make money they sell all the flies that were all over his body oh my god wow the king of low-hanging fruit brian redman something like that did he did he sell the flies

he did he did whatever he could do. My goodness. So what did he do? How did he make a living? Just a lot of jobs and taxi driving. Taxi driving is the correct answer. That's the one. We just had to make sure that it was a stereotypical Ethiopian taxi driver.

How about you? What do you do for work? I'm in IT. IT? Absolutely. Absolutely. And what do you do for fun? Other than martial arts, I'm a comic book nerd. I could see that.

I watch a lot of movies. You ever use your jiu-jitsu in an actual fight? Gladly not. No one ever messes with you? I'm good at de-escalating. Yeah. When does that happen? Has that ever happened

uh plenty of times yeah yeah like what's the most recent one that happened um usually when like people are drinking yeah what do they say to you like what what type of thing do they say to you well more it's like if they find out i do jiu-jitsu they want to test things i'm like oh i can show you something but i'm not gonna right scuffle or something. Right, exactly. You have a girlfriend? I have a wife. Oh, yeah? How long have you been married for?

Like five years. What does she do? Four years. She's in HR. HR and IT. Look at that. Is that true about the peppers, though? Did you really do that to her?

Plenty of times, actually. After I washed my hands. Is she Ethiopian as well? No, she's American. She's a white girl? New Hampshire. Oh, my goodness. Wow.

Got yourself a fucking New Hampshire white girl with a double... Somewhere out there, there is a double disappointed father. God damn it, my daughter a Jalapeno pussy I'm a goddamn Ethiopian American So I was lucky Her dad passed away before I met her Hey, fuck yeah dude It burns

It burns Wow, what did he die from? You murdered him No heart attack. You sure he didn't know? Yeah, he found out. He had a dream about it. He went through her phone

when she was sleeping one night. I was like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. Wow. So that's cool. You close with her mom? Yeah, I'm close. She's cool. Right, because she's looking for a male figure to fill in. Anyway, You close with her mom? Yeah. She's cool. She's looking for a male figure to fill in.

Anyway. Your wife's cool? What does she do for fun? Is she an extra white girl? Or is she sort of worldly herself? She's very... I would say she likes a lot of stuff. She's a good gardener. She likes comic book stuff too.

Sounds Mexican to me. Does she grow the jalapenos that you shove into her pussy? My goodness. What's something extra Ethiopian about your parents? Like, you ever seen them doing things that just would normally not fly in a typical... parents? You ever seen them doing things that just would normally not fly in a typical... You said her family?

Is there just any weird traditions? You know what I mean? Do they eat food with their feet or anything weird? You know what I mean? Anything completely different than normal American culture? Yeah, eat with their hands. Right, right. I actually live right by Little Ethiopia in Los Angeles.

I normally don't give away many geographical fun facts about myself, but Little Ethiopia in Los Angeles is baller as fuck. And, yeah, they give you a big, basically the size of this table, a plate of fucking food that has the bread naan. Ingera. Oh, injera, that's it, right. And you break it up and you eat it and it's fucking great. Ethiopians have surprisingly good food

for being a country that's famous for not having any food. It's kind of weird. That's true. So that's cool. You go over there, you eat with them a lot? Yeah, I try to. And your white wife enjoys the food as well? Oh yeah.

I think it would be a problem if she didn't like the food. You seem like, I'm going to tell you something, you seem very, I'll put it this way, Americanized, right? You seem like you have your shit together, you're in IT, you're obsessed with comic books, right? What do you think is the blackest thing about you or perhaps the most Ethiopian or most, you know what I mean? I mean, I like to watch a lot of Roast Me.

I grew up watching a lot of black comedy. Martin, Wayne Brothers. Wow, there you go. I guess we all are as black as you are. I once watched an episode of Family Matters, so I'm pretty black. And how long you been doing stand-up, Teddy? First time.

First time! Look at that! We popped a chair here tonight. There you go. That's how it's done. Congratulations, man. You know, you sort of fizzled out there at the end with the jalapeno thing. I think we were all waiting for a punchline. You gave us a true story.

You got to put a little fucking, put a little zip on the end of these things. But other than that, I didn't even, I wouldn't have even guessed first time. Seemed pretty comfortable and cool to me. Congratulations. Teddy Bistrat, everybody. Let's keep moving along. Let's keep flying through this bucket.

Let's see what happens next. Anything can happen. How about Dan Meter? Is Dan Meter here? M-E-D-E-R. Here he comes. Dan Meter. He's ready to go.

Come on, Dan. Start walking. Debacle. Took the Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry. One more time for Dan Meter, everyone. So I know I have a big head, like a big forehead mainly,

but I know this for a fact because I measured it, and my face is exactly the same size as my forehead, so I could put a second face up there if Elon Musk wants to develop that. Yeah, so I walked out of the bathroom holding a ruler and my mom saw me when I was measuring that

back in high school and had some explaining to do. I said, no mom, I was just, you know. But it wasn't the first time that happened either because I was measuring my hat size for a fitted hat and I walked out with some measuring tape before that and I said, no mom, I was just measuring the girth of my head.

No, no, no, I was just measuring my size. I'm a seven and a half. I got kicked out of the Air and Space Museum because I was telling people the moon landing was fake there you go, Dan Meter so Dan, let's talk about it all we know about you is that you think you have a big head I've been told that plenty of times

people tell you that you have a big head? ever since 7th grade this kid, football team in P.E. that you think you have a big head. I've been told that plenty of times. People tell you that you have a big head? Ever since seventh grade. Yeah, this kid, football team in PE, he just referred to me as Big Head Boy. Well, that's so interesting. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this on the show. You didn't even ask me what my name was.

On a roadcast, you did. I did? I mentioned the big head thing? On a roadcast. Yeah, do it again, though. Well, yeah, no, I will. So in kindergarten, I was known as Big Head. That was what everybody called me. That was my thing.

And it's true. I had the same size head. Everyone knows this that knew me as a very young child. I had the same size head then that I have now. Like I literally came out. You know what I mean? Like as a little kid, I was basically three and a half feet tall with this head. So the same exact head. So if you picture, that's my legs, that's my body, and that's the top of my head.

So it's the same size head. And I was big head. And it affected me deeply being called big head at such a young age. The entire school, because kindergarten was part of first through eighth grade. So I was big head to everybody. Even the older kids would go, ha ha, look, it's fucking big head. Needless to say, in combination with the rest of my

insane upbringing, it created a monster deep inside my spinal cord. And from then on, starting in first grade, people were then afraid to make fun of me for some reason because I was vicious. Because of my big head, I turned it into a positive. Do you remember some of the things you used to roast? I would just make fun of me for some reason because I was vicious. Because of my big head, I turned it into a positive. Do you remember some of the things you used to roast?

I would just make fun of everybody viciously. Way before they could make fun of me, they'd be like, hey, what's up, big head? I'd be like, you fucking faggot. Why don't you fuck your mother, you piece of shit? Fucking loser-ass bitch. I had nothing. I had no real writing skills, but I would just say key words and attack

aggressively like a fucking black bear. You ever think about just wearing a hat, maybe? I wear hats most of the time. I don't think this is as big of an issue as you're making it. We know a lot of people with much bigger heads and weirder heads. I mean, we're friends with people that look like

cavemen and gorillas and things like this. And by gorillas, I don't mean black guys. I could feel this room. This room can't wait for this place to get racist. It's not happening here. All right? I got Leon Fury in style bender right here. It's not happening.

You look a lot like Duncan Trussell. I don't know if anyone's ever told you that. I'm not self-conscious. No, it seems like you are. It's all that we know about you. The minute that you chose to talk about, you talked about your completely abnormal head and everything about it, measuring it, everything.

Well, it's just funny. Let's check in with Donald J. Trump. He's the head of a lot of things. Yeah, I have a very similar story to you as a kid, Tony. People used to call me Big Cock as a kid. I used to go to the urinal. People would be like, that's the biggest cock I've ever seen.

I have the same size cock I do now as when I was a little kid. I don't know what it was. Big cock, big cock. I went home crying every day. I said, Mama, why do I have such a big cock? And she said, you're a Trump. Wow. Look at that.

So, Dan, tell us more about your actual life. You have a very normal head, by the way. Thank you, Tony. You do have sort of tiny eyes for your head. Yeah, very small eyes. Small, like little beady, untrustworthy eyes. I wouldn't trust you. I would trust you with literally nothing in my life.

Do you trust me more than William Montgomery? No, I don't. Actually, no, not at all. You're asking me if I trust you more than a guy whose career I've helped exponentially. What I like, what we're doing right now

is now we're giving him new complexes that he's going to take home. So Dan, tell us more about your actual life. Tell us actual things about you. I've lived here for about a year. Moved here from Tampa, Florida,

the home of Hulk Hogan. Oh, I know what Tampa is. Ew. I was singing his theme song earlier. Yeahved here from Tampa, Florida, the home of Hulk Hogan. Oh, I know what Tampa is. Ew. Alright. I was singing his theme song earlier. Yeah, yeah. Okay, very good. My dad grew up and he got his ass kicked by him. Your dad got his ass kicked by

Hulk Hogan? By Terry Bolle. Wow. Very good. So what made you move to D.C. from Tampa? Work. What do you do for work? I'm a GIS analyst. What's a GIS analyst? Geospatial information systems. I look at maps and satellite imagery. Oh my goodness.

What do you find out? Anything cool? Can you teach us something cool that only someone in your industry would know? Nothing really cool unless you are in the industry. It's pretty boring. Is it true that you have a black secretary that works for you? Is it really tight? Okie dokie.

Shoehorn it all in there. So tell me more stuff about you. Go ahead. Just keep rambling on. I go to a lot of concerts. Yeah. I dabble in archery a little bit. Whoa.

Wow. Dabble. Yeah. Uh-huh. You have a girlfriend? No, not at the moment I was in a porno Were you in a porno?

My goodness What'd you do in the porno? I was in the background How can we find it? What's the porn called? Where can we find this? It was at my job Her name was Roxy Ray

Roxy Ray R- E at the end. Roxy Ray. R-O-X-Y-R-A-Y-E. Yeah, just type in Roxy Ray. I've never seen Red Band's fingers type as fast in my life. You can't hear what he's saying, so you'll see him move faster. We can hear her type Roxy Ray and then what? Theme park. Theme park.

Very good. I worked at Busch Gardens in college. Heck yeah. I bet you worked at Busch Gardens. She Heck yeah. I bet you worked at Bush Gardens. Looks more like shaved gardens to me. Maybe happy trail gardens. She came by on the ride I was on

and I was right there in the background of the video. You're just on the ride? Yeah, I work there. Public theme park lesbians, it says. This is very exciting. Wow. Oh, my goodness.

This is super poor. Yeah, that's the ride I worked on. Oh, wow. Look at that. They're on a Ferris wheel. This chick has a little tiny, tiny, tiny patch of pubic hair. She has two lollipops. Is that Roxy herself right there?

I don't think that's her. Oh, no, there's Roxy. Roxy's the one eating her. Oh, shit. Look at that. Nothing better than some Ferris wheel pussy eating. Tony, can I? Round and round we go.

Where she stops, nobody knows. Donald J. Trump. Yeah, can I just say it we go Where she stops nobody knows Donald J. Trump Oh wait there goes the lollipop She's putting the lollipop in her pussy Oh wow yeah Come on show this audience some of that Wow So wait a second

Wait a second Where are you during all of this I think they're on their way to my station On their way to my station. It's just going to be you jerking off in a second? She's going to get a yeast infection. Oh, my goodness. How is this the gayest thing we've ever done? All right, watch.

I'm coming up. I'm coming up. I love that you think two lesbians eating each other out is gay, Joel. No, but five guys on stage with boners together is. There's me. That's me. You have an actual boner right now? No, no.

I don't get hard. I'm a woman. Oh, my God. So they just slide back to their seats and eat normal suckers like they're doing nothing. Like they're just two sluts in bikinis. I didn't even fucking notice. So I didn't find out until years later. A friend of mine was like they're doing nothing. They're just two sluts in bikinis. I didn't even fucking notice. I didn't find out until years later. A friend of mine was like, hey dude. How did he

find out? I don't even know who this Roxy Ray is. I've never even heard of him. Have they showed you yet? Have they already gone past your part? Yeah. This is like for guys that are into super amateurs. They need to know that it's like a real dirt ball out there. Too far.

Yeah, you know the exact spot, don't you? Well, I just saw it. Whoa. God, that is a fucking big pussy right there. That porn game, you just can't. You cannot tell a lie. It's like George Washington, you know what I mean? Once that pussy gets blown out,

it's just a real fucking disaster, huh? All the kegels in the world can't save you. Yeah. All right, well, there you go. I love that that's, very rarely do I ask about someone's love life and they mention, well, two girls ate pussy while going by me in a Ferris wheel once.

Can I just say, it's really only okay to be gay if you're a hot lesbian. Can I just say that? Is that okay? Wow, Donald Trump. Is that too much? I don't think you can say that. Can I just say that?

I think I just did. Okay, cool. Oh my goodness gracious. All right, it's okay. Wow. So that's fun. And now you live in what? Arlington? Alexandria.

Alexandria. What's Alexandria known for? I don't know. I've only been here for a year. I mean, Old Town Alexandria, I guess, is like a historic area. Uh-huh. Yeah, a lot of bars there. Uh-huh.

Yeah. My goodness. Wow. What do you think is the most interesting thing about you? I have a big cock. People tell me all the time. No, we already got your answer. You're the president of the United States.

That should be number one, Mr. Trump. Oh, I thought it was the size of my penis. The most interesting thing about me. Yeah, anything you've ever accomplished? Like any missions? Last year, I gave myself a bowl cut. You gave yourself a bowl cut? Yeah.

Why'd you do that? So he could have bangs to cover that forehead up, right? Oh, you son of a bitch. Is that why you did it? No, people just dared me to, and if I say I'm going to do something, I do it. Really? Yeah. So if we dare you to do something, will you do it?

No, if I say I do something, I'll do it. If you what? If I say I'll do something, I'll do it. If you what? If I say I'll do something, I'll do it. So why don't you say you'll do something to entertain this audience? There's a mustard container right there. Will you do something with mustard? You want me to just eat mustard? Yeah. How many of you guys want to see this guy eat mustard right now, huh?

It's never happened before in the history of Kill Tony. He's got mustard. Wow. You fucking did it, Dan. That's what it's all about, doing what it takes to entertain the people, and you did it here, Dan Meter. Fun times. How long you been doing stand-up?

First time. First time ever he ate the mustard. Dan Meter, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along. One more time for Dan, everyone. Wow. My goodness. But have you ever eaten mustard on a Ferris wheel?

This is very exciting. What a wild episode. When you find out someone's not that interesting, just make them eat the first thing that you see. You know what I mean? It was fucking mustard. Let's do it. He did it. One more time for Dan, everyone.

And that giant head. Let's keep it going. Because your next comedian goes by the name of Alex Heller. Alex Heller. Hey. How about a hand for the band, everybody? They're killing it tonight. Here's Alex Heller.

So I didn't want to get caught up first because I was really fucking baked. I haven't smoked in probably two months. And yeah, I took a few tokes outside. Saw you guys walk in and I was like, oof, I hope I don't get caught up first. But

anyway, I had some white powder on my shirt and a girl walked up to me and said, ooh, you have cocaine? I said, no, that's just dandruff. Chill out. Sorry. I've been told by some people that also watch this show I look like a William Montgomery look-alike. Slightly.

Sort of. I also have a thing for Zantac 75. Not because it helps anything. It just helps the pain kill itself faster because I'm probably going to get cancer from it. Um, I don't know.

That's it. Are you sure that's it? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. First, yes, Donald Trump? Can I just say, not a good look for the white people. Oh, yes, Donald Trump? Can I just say, not a good look for the white people. Oh, man.

First time doing stand-up, Alex? Yes. Very good. There you go. There's the go to the first time. It's your first time. Congratulations. You spent the first 20 seconds talking about how you were hoping you didn't get called first.

I don't know how high you got before this show, but you know that you're not the first comedian pulled out of the bucket. Oh, I 100% know that. But, like, dude, it was like a rookie high. You know what I'm talking about? Where you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I get that high every time I smoke pot. When I did smoke, it was just, I was fine. You know what I mean?

But when I took a few hits outside, it wasn't happening. Right, right. Well, let me promise you, you hit a very low low here on stage tonight. You're back down. You can't get lower than I am right now, man. I guess not, but we'll try our best to figure out how to do it with you here, Alex. Definitely, definitely. Congratulations, your first time on stage, right?

Yeah. Have you ever been on stage doing anything before? Yeah, I actually spoke in my eighth grade graduation. Yeah. What'd you say at your eighth grade? It was the most come up or whatever award because I was a little asshole and yeah. And then you changed.

I did really well, yeah. Oh, wow. How'd you do that? I had an English teacher that was pretty damn good and she would roast me. Yeah. I mean, I'd walk in. Like what would she say about you? Oh

I have no idea. I had a big old head and a big old fucking head. Yeah By the time I was like 12 right and I was like skinny but skinny fat I mean one of those weird looks I gotcha. How old are you now, Alex? 24. 24. What do you do for work? Not a damn thing right now, man. Wow. Why not?

What happened? Yeah. A lot of depression, man. Depression? Yeah. My dad died. Oh, no. When did your dad die? September in 2018.

How did he die? Cancer. Cancer. My goodness. And one of the things about that cancer is that I heard about the Zantac 75 thing, about the carcinoma. Oh, that's not real cancer. Well, I heard about it. But it was just funny because he died of it, and it was one of his medications that he was supposed to be taking for his acid reflux.

It was just kind of awkward. medications that he was supposed to be taking for his acid reflux. It was just kind of awkward. That's the kind of cancer when you go into a McDonald's and it says there's shit in here that will cause cancer. That's that kind of cancer. Yeah, it's cancer, Brian. The kind that you're most likely on this stage to get in the next three years. It's definite cancer.

I don't know if you think I got the chill cancer What kind of cancer did he have? It was chondrosarcoma So it was like a bone Sounds ethnic I don't like it Pretty rare I don't know too much

It's a deep cancer Yeah it's not what Rich folk get He found out less than a year Before he died that he had it? No no no It was actually right before I graduated high school

So it was like a month of. Right. It's been about five years. Yep. And it did the work, but he went through treatment for it to hold it off for a little bit. He did all this Cyberknife, chemo.

And so the last five years have all been hard, and then it slowly fizzled out. Wow. How's your mom handling it all? Pretty good. Pretty good. Yeah. She's done actually probably better than me.

Wow, really? You think she's getting fucked yet? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I won't. I'm sure of that, man. She introduced you to your new stepdad? No, not yet, man.

Not yet. I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm banging your mom. Wow, look at that. First lady. Let that happen, man. Make America great again. I love it. I love it.

Wow. Did you get to say goodbye to your dad? Was it like a, did you know it was happening? He actually had a Caesar-induced coma right after he was told that he was terminal at the last half. And it just happened like that. Right. And, yeah, I held his hand and shit like that but then the next morning couldn't get there in time right well

fucking depressing man that's part of it you know that's just life sometimes you know when it actually happens and this and that you know actual death started you know long before that and you guys got to have some time together it's better than him getting hit by a truck or something like that. Yeah, that's a tragedy. Right, you'd be super depressed if that happened. You'd be a sad little bouncy boy that you are. Get in the car, it's like...

That's funny. A little freak out. So what have you been doing to treat your new levels of depression? I know you're not jogging. Yeah, man. Yeah, no, not at all. No, no. Lots of alcohol andging. Yeah, man. Yeah, no, not at all. No, no. Lots of alcohol and good frozen pizza, man.

Oh, wow. There you go. This is the chairman of the board of that. Mr. That's Not Real Cancer over here. Yeah, that's frozen pizza's good. What's your favorite frozen pizza? Fucking Red Baron, bro. Wow.

Red Baron, it's cheap, it's easy, but it's got a good little sauce to it. A lot of people don't know this. Red Baron is actually what Red Band named himself after. He wanted to shorten it a little bit. He's a big Red Baron fan. I got sued. Wow. How many Red Barons do you go through regularly?

Lately, it hasn't been many. Okay. All right. But in a night, after I get done drinking, I'll have like a half a pizza. Yeah. And then probably have another drink and then have the rest of the half of the pizza. My goodness. So you're just drinking.

You're eating shit. What do you do for fun? Is there any escapes for you right now? Video games. I lift a little bit. You lift? I mean, I'm a fit guy. What the fuck do you lift?

You lift weights? Yeah, yeah. I used to power lift. Slices of Red Baron? I actually worked out for the first time yesterday, and I'm sore as piss. Yeah, that makes sense. We know how sore piss can be when you just drink alcohol and eat frozen pizza. So I can't imagine how sore that is.

It goes to the gut, legs, you know what I mean? How about love? Any dates lately? Anything like that? Yeah, it's always one and go. You know what I mean? One and go. One and go? You go out on a date, it just goes okay or whatever? No, I don't go for dates or anything like that.

It's always like, I know I'll hit it. That's it. Let's go. Jesus, what are you? Dude, I'm not in that moment right now. Straight from the home run, I like this guy. You know what I mean? No singles, no doubles. Get out of here.

I'm not one of those moments where I want to get in a relationship or something like that. I'll meet a nice girl and it's like, fuck. Why are you so nice? I just want to grow this piece of shit. Why do I get the vibe from you that you're an emo leprechaun? It does seem like that. Yeah, I'm like half ginger hybrid. Why are you scared to be in a relationship?

That might help you out the most. Yeah, you could put all your depression on someone else. Yeah, no. And drag them into your sad, sad existence. That'd be great. That'd honestly be good. I think I should do that. I'm scared of getting close to someone because they might go and die and stuff like that again.

I think you should talk to the Ethiopian guy. Yes, man, yeah. It's one of those, like, oh, my God, she's dating her ex again. How often do you just ghost these chicks? Ghosting them is one way to follow in your father's footsteps, by the way. I always short text and act like I'm busy. No, I'm kidding. What did you say?

What was the answer there? I always short text and then act like I fell off the face of the earth. You know what I mean? Wow. That's incredible. How recent was your last one and done? Last month. Yeah.

My goodness. Look at you. And you find these girls on apps and things like that? No. Lots of postmates or something like that. Lots of old high school friends that always had a thing for me or something like that. They always had a thing for you? You're a funny guy, dude. I don't know what

high school of hideous people you went to. All these chicks that always had a thing for me. He went to Notre Dame University like the clock tower. Well, Alex, I hope you come back again and sign up for the

show some other time when we're around. Awesome. Thank you very much. This is your first time ever. You've got to look at this as a new opportunity. A lot of comedians, their depression and anxiety go way down. All right, there he goes. I was about to give him life-changing advice,

and then he walked away on me. Just like his father, he just disappeared. Tony. I never got to say goodbye. In his defense, he won and done too. Pulled another name out. Here we go. Make some noise for Caitlin out. Here we go. Make some noise for Caitlyn Johnson.

Here we go. Feel so fresh and clean. Refresh and so clean. I can't think I'm so sexy. I feel so fresh and clean. Caitlyn Johnson. Does that hurt? Here comes someone.

I see movement. I can feel it. This is going to be good. Caitlyn Johnson. That sax really travels in this room. Come on. One more time for Caitlyn Johnson. Hello.

Hi. I'm so nervous. Okay. So a lot of gender talk lately, right? It's got me a little confused. So I like to identify as a gay man now because I like to take it up the butt so much. So me and my boyfriend work together. My parents don't think it's a good idea. They think that we aren't going to get anything done. But there is somebody who had his girl working for him, who is Osama bin Laden, and they got two things done. So I'm a waitress, and the most asked question I get is, what are you? Or like, where are you from? Something like that.

So I like to fuck with them and I say that I am, or I am a, I'm sorry, I'm a Syrian refugee and then after that, they don't ask me any more questions. So my family,

that's all. There you go. Hell yeah, Caitlin Johnson. So fresh and so clean. So welcome, welcome, welcome to the show, Caitlin. That was fun. You identify as a gay man because you love taking it in the butthole. That's a lie.

I really don't. It hurts. Oh, it's red, man. Come on. So I don't want to. You said it hurts, but you didn't. It hurts. Oh, my goodness. Red band. Come on. So I don't want to. You said it hurts, but you didn't say it hurt. Like, you said you don't, but it hurts. Like, it's in the present.

No, no, no, no. My penis is so big, it's inside her right now. Wow. My goodness, Mr. President. How many times have you tried it? Have you tried going really slow and all those? Yeah, I've tried it. I've tried it in the shower.

Oh, that shower sucks. Yeah, that's true. I don't know. It just hurt every time. Apparently, some girls have loose buttholes, and some girls don't. I don't. You do butt kegels?

I do not. Kegels? I do not. I don't know if they make that. Kegels? Yeah, they have those little sizing things. You could start off with a small size and get bigger. Oh, perfect.

Okay. I'll look into it. Yeah, they sell them at Hot Topic just like the ear gauges. Absolutely. So your boyfriend and you work together at a restaurant? No, that's just one of my jobs. We have a painting business and then I am his assistant. Wow, what do you guys paint?

Interior. You paint things brown when he tries to fuck you in the ass? Unfortunately. Brown and red. Wow, and you're also a waitress? I am a waitress, yes. Are you a waitress somewhere popular or

it's like a local place? No, I'm from North Carolina. Oh, you live in North Carolina now. I'm sorry? You live there now? Yes, Wilmington. You're just here visiting? Yes, we came to see you guys.

Wow, that is so cool. How far of a trip was that? Just five and a half hours. Oh, my goodness. That is fucking awesome. Not that bad. Myrtle Beach. There you go.

We're close to there, yeah. Yeah, that's also in North Carolina. He's just saying, Brian's just saying things that he knows about North Carolina out loud. I love Myrtle Beach. Myrtle Beach is in South Carolina. Oh, yeah. There you go. Again, near North Carolina.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. These are all fun facts about or near North Carolina. What do you say about Osama bin Laden? The Windy City. I said that my parents don't think that it's a good idea. We're working together. But Osama bin Laden had his girl working with him, and they got two things done.

Oh, yes. 9-11. Oh, I get it now. Absolutely. Wow. How long have you been with this boyfriend of yours? Two, three years, I think. Very good.

Very good. What do you like about him? His name's Blaze, so it's pretty cool. Wow. Just like his name. That's it. His name is Clutch. My goodness.

What's his name? Blade? Blaze. Blaze. How does he spell it? B-L-A-I-S-E. Whoa. That's sort of a letdown, though, right?

Yeah. Because that's not as cool as a Z. I mean, I thought his name was Blase when I first met him. So, but it's okay. Hell yeah. We're cool now. Tony, North Carolina is the home of Ludwig Drumps. Oh, wow.

That's very cool. Monroe, do you live near Monroe? Very cool. We love Ludwig. Joel's an official artist of Ludwig and that's fun. What are your political leanings and thoughts? We don't

ever ask anyone this but I'm interested because you're a girl from North Carolina and North Carolina things are a little bit different there. It is way different than here. Just tell the truth. Don't be afraid of what all these poor Washington D.C. people think about your political leanings. Just tell the truth right down the barrel.

I like Trump. Hey, look at that. Look how fucking, I just love watching the non-movement of audience members staring at them. Yeah. Hashtag, hashtag, I'm with her. Wow. My goodness gracious. Your boyfriend also leans to the right? He does. Wow. Yeah, he does. My goodness.. Your boyfriend also leans to the right?

He does. Wow. Yeah, he does. My goodness. He's a very big, he has a MAGA hat too. Wow, that's cool. What's the most racist thing you've heard him say? I don't know.

I mean, I'm not sure. If you were to guess. I don't know. He says the N word a lot. I didn't think it would get that good. I hoped. I hoped it would get that good, but I didn't think it actually would. To be fair, to be fair, it is very common.

Right. Exactly. It's very common. Is he black? No, no. No, it's just in Carolina. They're used to that. In Carolina.

I mean, to be honest as well, I'm Asian. So like I get that. She's part Asian. I'm from Thailand. So people always like say, call me the S or the Chink and stuff like that. Right. I don't really care. I'm not really offended by it. Right.

That is so cool. I love that we had this conversation. I love that this came out here. Very rarely do we get to talk about white people saying the N-word. It is something that does exist. It's true. It's something that should be addressed more often. It's very common.

We say it in the rap music. How long are you guys in town for, you and the boyfriend? Just until Saturday. Ah, very cool. That's fun. What are you guys doing tomorrow? Any fun plans around the city?

The history museum. Oh my goodness. Wow, very good, sir. Wow. Wow. A black man just asked which history museum. An audience member getting the rare killer line in here. That should not encourage other people to do that.

That is a one in a million event that very rarely happens on this show, in which an audience member says something funny enough that it should have been said. Congratulations. That's like winning the lottery, sir. We never see that happen. Is that the black guy from the Green Mile back there? My goodness.

Wow. That is so, so cool. Wow. Well, very fun stuff. And if you guys want, if you're bored tomorrow night, I'll throw you on the guest list for one of the stand-up shows. I love having racist audience members at my shows. It's one of the things that I'm into.

I like people of all different shapes and sizes. I like having black people at my shows and white guys that use the N-word. You know what I mean? It's a real melting pot. I like being able to see if I can make all different types of people laugh. So if you guys want, you can drop my name and come on to one of the stand-up shows tomorrow night. Tight Asian asshole.

Thank you. Brian, what is going on with you right now? I was thinking about it. I guess you're thinking about it. How is that more offensive than the N-word? It is. Somehow it's just like the most simple just thoughts of buttholes. All right.

Well, there you go. Caitlin, very fun stuff. Even though a lot of the things that you said were not necessarily truth, I still find you very interesting, things that you said were not necessarily truth. I still find you very interesting and you gave us a lot of interesting, honest information during your interview. So great job up here. Is this your first time doing stand-up? It is.

There you go. First time for Caitlin Johnson. There she goes. Caitlin Johnson, everybody. What do you guys think? Should we go to the bucket one more time? Just one more time. Let's see what happens. Here, I'm going deep in the bucket. Little known fact about this saxophone,

it's normal size. I'm such a huge man that it looks very tiny in my hands. Wow. Look at that. Okay. How about Marvin Phillips or Marvin?

Wow. Oh, wow. Oh, shit. Holy shit. The place goes crazy. This guy is dancing his way to the stage. Wow. Wow.

Shit's about to go down. I can feel it. Come on, make some fucking noise. I'm a substitute teacher so one day I'm at an elementary school next day I'm in middle school and the next day I kill myself I did speed dating recently. That's when you go on a date and take a bunch of methamphetamine.

You're pretty out of your mind, but you leave an impression. So she's thinking about me. impression so she's thinking about me uh anyway i suffer from two types of md uh muscle dystrophy and a massive dick hey hey it's uh it's not funny. I'm going to have lower back issues. Wow. Wow. Standing ovation. Live in Washington, D.C.

Unbelievable. Half the audience just stood straight up, which is more than we can say for you during your entire performance. Incredible. Wow. And it's Marvin? Oh, no, it's Martin. Martin.

Very good. I now understand why your handwriting isn't so good. I expected that. When I had to write that down, I was like, fuck. I was like, shit. I was like, shit. I love it, man. Let's check in with the President of the United States of America. Can I just tell you, you were my favorite comic tonight.

He killed it. He killed it. You killed it. Killed it. He killed it. You killed it. Killed it. Absolute murderous performance, Martin. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Like seven or eight years. Seven or eight years.

All of it here in D.C.? Mostly. Mostly. Mostly in Washington, D.C. You must get a lot of work, huh? I try to. Yeah, that's very fun. You do anything else other than stand-up?

I do substitute teach. You really do? Yeah, that's a true part of my life. Oh, my goodness. I mean, I know most classrooms really don't think they're going to do much when a normal substitute teacher comes in. I can't fucking imagine how excited these kids must be when you come stumbling your ass in there just fucking.

We are doing less than nothing today, motherfuckers. We are watching a video for sure. I know, I know. It's even better than they realize. That is so fucking cool, dude. My goodness. Wow. And you from D.C. originally? No, I'm from South

Virginia Beach. And this, yep, that sounds about right, Virginia. So what two relatives had to fuck for this to happen? We're still looking through the family tree Right Exactly

You look like you fell out of the family tree Wow Martin My dick was so nasty Oh no I know I know Absolutely Absolutely I completely agree with that Oh, no, I know. I know. Absolutely.

Absolutely. I completely agree with that. I can't even imagine the type of cock that you're dealing with. I bet you're fucking hung like Jeff Epstein down there. You know what I'm saying? He was fucking... He didn't kill himself. Right. Yeah, I know.

That's terrifying. Yeah. That's what I meant when I kill himself. Right. Yeah, I know. That's terrifying. Yeah. That's what I meant when I said that. You're hung like Epstein very suspiciously. You know what I mean? Incredible stuff. Wow.

So, my goodness. And how about for fun? Do you have any fun hobbies or anything like that? This might sound weird, but I just released my Ariana Grande parody song album. Wow, really? It's on SoundCloud. Oh, yeah? How can people find that? Oh, we've got on SoundCloud.

It's on Martin Phillips. There's a picture of me, like her album. The Thank U, Next, where she's like topless, like this, upside down. Except it's me. Oh, my like this upside down except it's me oh my goodness it's not her it's me so what do how do the people

find it Martin Phillips yeah n-a-r-t-i-n p-h-i-l-l-i-p-s and get the picture or you can has anyone

ever told you you sound like you talk underwater it sounds like he's talking through a fan, you know? That's very common. Wow. I like him. I like him.

I've heard I talk like I'm on one of those beds. You put coins in them. I bet. Yeah. Wow. I bet sex with you is great dude Big cock Shake you like a vibrator Heck yeah

This guy only has special moves in the bedroom When they auto tune your voice It just sounds normal Damn they auto-tune your voice, it just sounds normal. What's it called? It's Martin Phillips, Ariana Grande. Thank you, text. Thank you, text. Thank you, text, Martin Phillips.

It's on SoundCloud, I swear. Yeah, we're fine. It turns out a lot of Ariana Grande SoundCloud things pop up when you type that into Google. So it's a little bit hard to find. It's like... SoundCloud. What's your SoundCloud handle? Martin Phillips?

Yeah. Martin, I'm going to tell you the same thing the doctor told your parents a long time ago. I got bad news for you. You're not the only Martin Phillips on SoundCloud. Well, it's thank you, like the letter U. Oh, that's good to know. If that makes any difference.

It probably will. I think I see it. You see it? No. Oh, I don't know. It's got a thought. I thought it did. I'm sorry.

You know. Okay. Oh, no. He caught it. When's the last time you ever been with a woman sexually? Not too many times. Not many times. But it's happened.

How much did it cost? I like that. Well, your mom is pretty cheap, so. Oh! Jesus. Holy shit. When's the last time you kissed a girl, Martin? Like last year.

Last year? My goodness. Wow. I mean, I don't know. Maybe there's a girl here that might want to... Is there a fan of the show? What do you say we end this episode with a fucking bang, huh? Is there a Kill Tony fangirl here that'd be willing to...

Wow, look at this right here! Oh my goodness, straight over the top! Whoa! Wow. Making dreams come true. What's your name, sweetheart? My name's Jamie.

How about a big hand for Jamie, everybody? One of these comedy heroes here on Kill Tony. And you know what? Before we do that, let me just say one more thing. We have one more Kill Tony after this. How many of you are coming to the second Kill Tony? Some diehard fans here. Martin, before you go, I want to let you know many of you are coming to the second Kill Tony? Some diehard fans here. Martin, before you go, I want to let you know,

are you sticking around for the second show? Maybe. Yeah, let's do it. Why don't we give you an audience? I want to see another new minute from you on this second show. We're going to go back to back here. Thank you very much, Martin. Very, very fun performance.

How about one more time for Martin Phillips, everybody. DC Zone. Eight years in the game. That's a real fucking comedian right there. Shout out to the karma of the Bucket of Destiny for giving us that to end the episode. Very exciting stuff.

Thank you all for coming out. We have another show after this. We've got to turn it and burn it for 10 p.m. And we have four stand-up shows this weekend. You can join the many great D.C. people and some good old North Carolina racists and see some stand-up comedy shows this weekend. See the judges become the old defendants here as we work out our own material here in D.C. before heading to another show

on Sunday in New York City. If anybody gets excited, Nancy, why not make the short train trip with us to New York City on Sunday for the Gramercy Theater. Don't forget, Columbus, Ohio, Pittsburgh, PA, and Cleveland, Ohio, right around the corner here in December. And right after this show,

as fast as we can, we're going to be signing posters and shaking hands, taking very, very, very quick pictures. If you're coming to both shows, do not come to this meet and greet. Come to the one after the second show because we have to get through it really fast and then reload the room again. So, and we'll have more time to say hi to you if you do it after the second show anyway. You could tell us

how big of fans you are, how I'm your favorite top Young Rising comedian in the world. You could say anything you want to me, really. You could get it all out there. How about one more time

for the one and only President of the United States, Donald J. Trump. Like I said earlier, Jeremiah's headlining all over. Tickets at jeremiahwalkins.com, Huntington Beach, San Diego, St. Louis, Kansas City, and Chicago in Rosemont. Anything else, Jeremiah?

Hi, Jeremiah. Stand up on social media. And, hey, there's a new Jeremiah Wonders Road cast with the entire Kill Tony cast. David Lucas, William Montgomery, the entire Kill Tony band. Absolutely. Tony, Red Band. Thank you, guys. Love you.

Jeremiah Walkkins. Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez was here. How about it for Joel Berg? Joel Jimenez, everyone. Mostly sorry on social media. He's an official Ludwig artist. Anything else, Joel? It's my first time in D.C.

Thanks for coming out. I love you guys. Hell yeah. Artist. Anything else, Joel? It's my first time in D.C. Thanks for coming out. I love you guys. Hell yeah. Shout out to Caveman Coffee for this delicious coffee that we've been drinking up here all night, and shout out to

Ridge Wallet, our newest sponsor here at Kill Tony, and we mean it. If you want to do something cool, make your life a little bit sleeker. I think we all agree that being organized and simple is a better way to live your life. Go to RidgeWallet.com

slash, go to Ridge.com slash Kill Tony. Save 10% off your order. Show your support for this show and for the great products they make over at Ridge.com slash Kill Tony. Live audience, it's our first show in D.C. Did you guys have fun tonight? There you go.

We have to do another show. We love you guys. Thank you so much for coming out. Good night, DC. Did you guys have fun tonight? There you go. We have to do another show. We love you guys. Thank you so much for coming out. Good night, everybody. Thanks, guys. Bye. you