KILL TONY - KILL TONY #413

Episode Date: November 15, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 11/07/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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December 12th, we'll be in Columbus, Ohio at the Newport Music Hall. December 14th, we'll be in Pittsburgh at the Rex Theater. December 15th, we'll be in Cleveland at the House of Blues. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. ShopSquad.tv, that's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. There you have the new Kill Tony shirt. You also have some hats, some Death Squad shirts and a bunch of stuff. That's Shop Squad dot TV. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, Tony Hinchcliffe dot com. There you have his own stand up comedy tour dates and merchandise.

Go to Tony Hinchcliffe dot com. And last but not least, Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist. He has a new Kill Tony book. It's on Amazon or RyanJEbelt.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from Washington, D.C. for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchman. Washington, D.C., Late Night Kill Tony. You guys ready for this shit or what? Let's fucking do it then.

The Late Show, Kill Tony, our first night ever in Washington, D.C., coming off a hot first show. Hey, look, it's Brian Redman, everybody. Wow. Exciting. History was made hours ago when we had our first ever live Kill Tony in Washington, D.C.

How exciting. You guys pumped for the late show? They say the late shows. Historically, late shows are always better than first shows. We're excited. Life is good. We're on the road continuously four stand up shows this weekend two tomorrow two the

next night right here catch the new hour long set from me including spots with all your favorite Kill Tony members Red Band Jeremiah Joel Berg Joel Jimenez and then we go Sunday to New York City live from the Gramercy Theater for our third time this

year very exciting stuff we are the number one live podcast We go Sunday to New York City, live from the Gramercy Theater for our third time this year. Very exciting stuff. We are the number one live podcast in the world after all. Crazy. Columbus, Ohio, December 12th. Pittsburgh, December 14th. And Cleveland, December 15th. All at big, big venues. Very exciting stuff.

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That's right. And, you know, we took a lot of risks starting a show like that. People thought we were crazy. We didn't make a penny our first few years doing it. You know, we gave away tickets for free at the comedy store in the belly room, and we built an infrastructure, and now we're in the main room every single Monday, even when we're on tour. We fill it up every Monday, which is a goddamn anomaly.

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ads today because the band had to get ready. There's a band here, ladies and gentlemen. We brought them with us. It's their first time ever performing in D.C. Tonight is. So let's see what happens. This last episode, you know, they're always different characters.

This last episode, we were graced with the presence of the great Donald J. Trump and Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez. We never know. And that's a perfect example. That's our first time having Alexandra on this show. Donald Trump clearly a return guest.

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Watkins and Joel Berg. Joel Jimenez. Here we go. Wait, what? Oh my god, what? You work at Blockbuster? What the fuck? What the actual fuck? This is incredible.

This is the first time these guys have been on this show. I'm positive of it. This is very exciting. Clearly blockbuster employees. And I'm guessing you must be Sonic the Hedgehog? What's your name? No, my name is Spencer. Spencer? Yeah. I'm guessing you must be Sonic the Hedgehog. What's your name? No, my name is Spencer.

Spencer? Yeah. Wow, Spencer. Very interesting. I just got my learner's permit. You did? Oh, you're a young guy, huh? How old are you? Yeah, I'm 15.

Wow, Spencer. Look at you. My goodness. This is your first time on the show. Yeah, and my first job, man. Don't screw it up. Other than Blockbuster, you mean. Yeah, Blockbuster's my first job.

Yeah. Yeah, well, welcome, Spencer. This is a very exciting thing. You work, you're from here around the D.C. area? You know, there's only one Blockbuster left, and that's in, like, well, I can't say the exact location of it but

why can't you say it? I don't know and then wow I don't know where I work man this is a teenager my goodness and back here clearly you brought with you

what appears to be a beautiful young woman. I don't know. I don't know what to say about this. I wish I could have fast-forwarded to the end of that punchline, dude. Oh, that's a good blockbuster. I get it. It really isn't a punchline. I have a freaking problem, dude.

The name's Kyle, dude. You really just look like yourself today, Joel. So that's why I had trouble thinking of anything that I haven't said a million times before. You really think my hair's this thick, dude? I don't know. All right. I guess so. Blockbuster employees. I'm starting to see why they went out of business. Wasn't the customer service. Can I say, Spencer, I've never seen anyone with a smaller forehead than you in my entire life.

I don't know. Yeah, it's a condition. I love it. We got Spencer and Kyle from Blockbuster. We got Red Band Soundboard, which brings me to this, the fucking dirty DC bucket of destiny right here. The birthplace of America. The capital of the greatest nation on the planet. Heck yeah.

This is one of the original buckets here in Washington, D.C. This is one of the original buckets ever made in America. Not a lot of people know that. You guys know how it works. I pull a name out of it. Someone gets to come up and do 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up comedy, and then I interview them after their time is up, find out more about their

lives. You know your 60 seconds is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry DuPont Circle bear. That's where we are. And we are here, in DuPont Circle, from what I've been told. So the bear is very close,

and it's ready to come out, so make sure you do your time. Oh, by the way, to get on stage. Very good. There's only one entrance way, only one way up. You must be wondering how because the whole front's covered. You have to go through that door all the way over there. You have to make your way over there.

You go through the door, make a right turn, take your time walking through there. There's a lot of crazy things to your left and right. Don't look at them or stare at them. Get immediately to the stage. Cool? You guys ready to the stage. Cool? You guys ready to start this fucking show?

Be careful coming up to the stage if you get called. And for those of you in the aisleways and whatnot, tuck your feet in when people are getting through. Come on, be polite

and be a team player. You guys ready for this? Here we fucking go. The final DC Kill Tony of the Night, show number two. Put your hands together for your first comedian, getting us started. Make some noise for Ethan Young.

Here we go. Ethan Young. Hey, the Jurassic Park theme. Bye. Here he is, Ethan Young, everybody. Hi, everyone. I'm Ethan. I'm originally from California, if you couldn't already tell by what I look like my friends

they tell me I look like Ellen DeGeneres and I just don't understand why I mean I just they label me as the trans in the group I don't look that much like a woman I used to have long hair like past

my shoulders and and i think that the when i decided to cut my hair as i was i was in the dca airport i won't call it that asshole's name i was in the dca airport and i was uh i was walking in and this guy was walking out of the men's restroom, and he goes, oh, excuse me, this is the... Ooh. And he walked off, and I was like, oh, he was about to say, this is the women's restroom, and I shouldn't be going in here. And I felt a little awkward, so I decided to cut my hair, but there's benefits of having short hair.

There's benefits of looking like a woman, you know? Lots of gay men and lesbians buy you drinks in bars, I gotta say that. So, thank you. Lots of gay men and lesbians buy you drinks and bars. I gotta say that. So, thank you. Fuck yeah. Ethan Young. Ethan Young. I'm gonna be honest with you, Ethan. I missed about the first 35 seconds of your sex. I was laughing hysterically because for the first time

in the history of the show, I turned to Jeremiah the saxophone player and I said that sounded like shit when he played the Jurassic Park theme. And we had our own little laugh. Every once in a while, you got to break the monotony up of the show.

Step away from the tone. I'm in high school. I'm still taking lessons. I missed the beginning, but I'm guessing by just the sound of the beats and timing, I've been doing this show long enough,

my guess is that you probably played it safe comedically, probably made a joke about how you look like Ellen DeGeneres or like a woman or something like that, and then referenced it at the end, brought it back with a callback to that, but it didn't really work that well the first time, so it just sort of floundered out at the end. Am I right? Yeah, you're right.

I love it. This is your first time doing stand-up, correct? It's my third time. Okay, good enough. How about a hand for Ethan, everybody? first time doing stand-up, correct? It's my third time. How about a hand for Ethan, everybody? Third time doing stand-up. You're a good guy. You're doing things that should work.

That make sense that it would work. The truth is, all I know is the little bit of what i've seen so far and i can just tell because you know i've been doing this for a long fucking time and not this show i'm just talking about stand-up you walk through rooms you hear stuff is your work i used to work the door at the comedy store i've heard so many people make jokes about how they

look like a woman or how they look like ellen degeneres you know what i mean you're back i can tell that there's more behind the fucking surface plus you look like a regular grown how they look like Ellen DeGeneres. You know what I mean? I can tell that there's more behind the fucking surface. Plus, you look like a regular grown man. You sort of have, you have very bull dykey haircut going on. But other than that, you look like you could be a fucking surfer dude or something like that. Like, I'm not really seeing the Ellen DeGeneres

thing. Me, I look like a bitch. You know what I mean? That's just a fact. No, I don't think that's true. No, I know, I know, I know. But I give the haters what they want. Then I spot them and remember where they're sitting and how to talk to them at the meet and greet after the show, you know what I mean?

Oh, good, nice to meet you too, fuck. You know what I mean? That's what I do. Yeah, you gotta pick out the haters. Anyway, let's find out more about you, Ethan, because I'm sure if we scratch the surface, we're gonna find something. Third time doing stand-up, how old are you?

I'm 23. 23, what do you do for work I work in a like an international democracy development NGO fuck man I work in DC is Washington DC answer I've ever heard international democracy how's that going these fucking animals out there don't know shit about democracy democracy. Am I right? I work in Latin America, so at the moment, there's a lot of work to do, is all I'll say.

You ain't lying. Look at this fucking guy back here. Why don't you start with him? Teach him how to be a big U.S. citizen. You're from Mexico, though, right? Mexico's doing pretty well. Shut up. Oh.

Yeah, they're doing great. A family of eight was just murdered on the border yesterday, but yeah, they're just doing great. A family of eight was just murdered on the border yesterday. But yeah, they're just doing great. Those were white Mormons, though. They had no place down there. Oh, my God. What the fuck's going on over here?

My goodness. Busting out that fucking grandma Christmas sweater early this year. Huh? Look at you. This is what I wore to work today. I know. I'm in international democracy. What do you want me to do?

This is what we wear. All right. I'm in an international democracy. What do you want me to do? This is what we wear. All right. So let's talk about it. You're 23 years old. What do you do for fun? What do you got going on with yourself? I mean, I love to travel.

I save money to travel. I like to rock climb. You know, I'm a typical Californian kid, though. I mean, I rock climb. I hike. I bike. I'm the walking stereotype of California.

I'm from California. I do none of those things. Uh-huh. What part? L.A.? Yeah. Yeah, fuck L.A. Whoa. What the fuck does that mean? Why do you say that? Where are you from? I'm from the Bay Area.

There's a big rivalry between the two of us. I gotta represent the Bay. There's a big rivalry, sure, yeah. One I gotta represent the Bay. Yeah, there's a big rivalry. Sure, yeah. One place it's fucking rainy and the other's beautiful. What are you talking about, you moron? You have to rationalize everything. You're not very democratic, let me tell you that.

Jeremiah, I mean, Spencer. Yeah, this is like that one time in the West Side Story when they were all like tss tss tss tss Seems like a very wise reference for a high school video store clerk. Yeah, it's an old movie, man. Wow, so Ethan, tell us something tell us some things that are more vulnerable about you, you know? Everything you're telling us is

other than that you look like a woman. What's some embarrassing stuff or something that maybe Spencer? Go ahead. My girlfriend started her period and I accidentally said, ooh. Alright. There you go. And Ethan,

how about you? I'll open up. I mean, my dad gambled away all his money and had to flee to Canada. That was rough. Redband. What did he gamble it on, Ethan? Oh, what didn't he gamble it on? I don't know.

What didn't he gamble it on? Sure, answer either one of the questions. Do you think he went to mybookie.ag and used the Pinnacle Kill Tony? If you want to be like my dad, go to mybookie.ag and used the Pinnacle Kill Tony? If you want to be like my dad, go to mybookie.ag. Okay, Ethan, stop taking creative chances on this show. It's not working. It's not working. So your dad gambled all the money away.

How long? Is him and your mom still together? Oh, no. Oh, God, no. Oh, no. They divorced then when he gambled all the money away? Oh, I thank God they divorced when I was two. So my mom had her money, and he just gambled away his money. Oh, God, no. Oh, no. They divorced then when he gambled all the money? Oh, I thank God they divorced when I was two, so my mom had her money, and he just gambled away his money.

Oh. Yeah, I know. My mom's a smart woman. Yeah, what does she do? She's a schoolteacher right now. Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, I mean... She didn't really have much money to gamble. Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah, well...

It's hard to gamble when there's a fucking 15 minimum on a relative. Yeah, just talk whenever you want, you fucking idiot. Sure, go ahead. Don't step on anything. You asked me about me. Yeah, okay, Ethan. No, it's okay. Now just say whatever you were going to say because the joke won't work that I was going to make.

Go ahead. What were you going to say? What did you cut me off of? I was going to say she went from Wall Street guilt, so she made money on Wall Street, and then she was like, shit, I got to do something good for the world, public school teacher. Right, bottom of the barrel. No, that was like the money per per year What's your dad doing now? Is your dad alive?

What's he doing now? Consulting Canadian marijuana businesses On the side Wow, adds up Risky business That's in our crime section So what's your love life like, Ethan? It's fine It's mean, you know,

it's D.C. It's good for a straight man that looks like a lesbian woman. Back to that again, huh? How long have you lived here? About four and a half years now. Four and a half years. And you came here for work? School originally. I stayed for work. What school?

GW. George Washington. Whoa. Look at that. Wow. I stayed for work. What school? GW, George Washington. Whoa, look at that. Wow, I can't believe that chick graduated from anywhere. That's incredible. Doesn't sound, that wasn't a very educated whoop-de-whoop that I heard. Wow. So, I mean, you said that you'd open up and that you would tell us some more vulnerable stuff about you, but you really just said that your dad gambled all the money away.

Anything else you can think about? You have any weird habits or anything you do? You, like, you know, do anything fucking goofy in your daily routine that you think, oh, man, I hope people don't find out about this. Other than dress like you're from the Middle Ages. I don't know if that's really Middle Age attire. What kind of Middle Ages are you talking about? He shines shoes for, like like a night or something.

Anyway, back to you in the studio, Tony. Thank you. We are back. A kid in King Arthur's court, the family section. Oh, Jesus. Okie dokie. So, Ethan, anything that you can think of that's a little bit, you know, not that we would all think it might be weird or interesting or anything like that?

Well, I mean, I've always had this thought that getting pegged wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, you know? Like, well, I really think men need to be more open to their, their prostates. This Ellen shit and that on top of it. I think we all know where this is going. Yeah, I think so.

Am I pigeonholing? Is there a guy that wants to give this guy a kiss for the first time in his life? He's. Have you ever kissed a man before? Oh, a couple of times.

Oh, OK. Forget it. Wow. There's a lot of people that wanted to do it. All of them raise their hands. Yeah. All right.

Everybody relax. Relax. Relax., everybody relax, relax, relax. We don't need this fucking family feud style show going on over here. All right, Ethan, I'm going to let you get back out there. There's a lot of people drinking. Maybe one of them will butt fuck you. Ethan Young, everybody. There you go. Interesting way to start the show.

There you go. Interesting way to start the show. In my opinion, I think the pegging thing at the end was a Hail Mary effort to show vulnerability. I don't even believe him. Yeah. I can always tell when a guy really wants to get butt fucked. You know what I mean? He was eager.

That was the old bluff-a-rooney, just like his dad at the poker table. You know what I'm saying? He's a bad bluff. I could read him like a book. at the poker table. You know what I'm saying? He's a bad bluff.

I could read him like a book. This episode is brought to you by Starbucks. Welcome back winter with a Starbucks drink in hand. Whether you've been waiting for a pistachio latte and pistachio cream cold brew or are in the mood to shake things up with the new iced hazelnut

oh shake and espresso. Need to cozy up with a tea latte? There should be nothing stopping you from achieving all your goals. You've got this. Okay, this looks like a good name. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Monford Davis. Monford Davis. Here comes Monford.

It's about to go down. We are live in D.C. Fork Hill. Tony. Hey. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Wow. Here he is. Monford Davis. What's up, Kill Tony? I like feeding my girlfriend while she's sleeping. Just something easy, just like Reese's Pieces. She's unconscious and it's irresistible at the time.

She's sleeping, just, I'm so good, give me more. But she gets mad because she starts getting acne and she starts gaining weight and she says, Munford, why do you do that? And I respond by saying, don't you know what the game plan is?

I'm trying to make you fat and undesirable for any other potential suitors. So we broke up. Who's the asshole that's always holding the door open for me when I'm just one too many steps away? Catching any time I gotta speed walk up to the door and shit. That's my time thing. There you go.

Munford Davis. I like your style. Fuck yeah. One of the best looking people I've seen since we got here in Washington, D.C. Here today. Just a beautiful specimen of a man. How are you, Munford? That was fun. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four months. Four months.

Very good. Looks like you're getting some footing underneath you. And some pudding underneath you, perhaps, as well. So four months in the game, something happened where you wanted to start now? How old are you? 26. 26. What happened four months ago? What, something happened where you wanted to start now? How old are you? 26.

26. What happened four months ago? What changed in which you're like, I'm going to fucking do this one. I'm going to stop. Okay, are you okay? Okay. You had a little quick cough there out of nowhere.

Very good. You handled it well right into the sleeve. Heck yeah. So what made you start stand-up? What made you want to do this? A breakup, Tony. A breakup? Was it the breakup with the girl that you were trying to fatten up?

Was that real? It was real. My goodness. Looks like you... Wow. And you really told her that? That you were trying to fatten her up? Like as a joke? Jokingly.

Right. What really happened? How long were you with this girl? Two and a half years. Two and a half years. My goodness. What do you do for work? I do a little internet transcription. Audio transcription. Oh, okay.

I'm on disability, Tony. Oh yeah? For what? What do you... What's... What is it? Schizophrenia. Oh, really? Oh,? What do you... What's... What, uh... Schizophrenia. Oh, really? Oh, fuck yeah. This is...

Shit just got even more exciting than I ever could have, uh... I could have imagined. So, like, what's, uh... What's been a wild episode for you? You ever do anything that people would consider fucking crazy?

Uh, how many? So many. One time I thought that I had children out there, and no basis for that whatsoever. Well, I mean, you have been. I think I would completely disagree because you have looked pregnant for most of your life, I'm guessing. How many children did you think you had?

I thought I had at least one, and I acted on this delusion, and I got a vasectomy when I was 21. Wait a second. What? Oh, my God. I've never... My God.

Dude, you're the coolest guy I've ever met. Yeah. I can't decide whether getting a vasectomy off of a schizophrenic delusion is nuts or not nuts. Like, it's actually hard to describe. So how long did this delusion last for? Is this, like, weeks long? Because you had to plan it with a doctor, unless you did it yourself. Yeah, a couple months after that, I

had the break and was in the hospital. Oh, okay. How long were you in the hospital for? 30 days. 30 days. Hell yeah. And that's how you became to be the Penguin, one of Batman's arch nemesises who's at Arkham Asylum. Did you have to pay any late fees after that

30 days? Oh, the Blockbuster employees from a different time. That's fun. You see any cute girls when you were in what they call the loony bin, correct? Tony actually... I love it when people's answers start with Tony. That always means a great answer. I like Anthony better.

Somehow 100% of the time, but go ahead. I was getting ECT treatment, electroconvulsive therapy. Wait, they still do that? They still do that, and the 30 days felt like three days. I lost a lot of the memory, but apparently I... But you didn't lose any of the weight, and that's what matters the most. You know what I mean?

No, you lost a lot of the memory, but... I guess I... Okay, there's Brody Stevens. Shout out to all mental health illnesses. A lot of people tell me that we help their depression a lot. I tend to think it's more the infinite

CBD. You know what I mean? Like, anxiety, depression, all the first telltale signs. Anyway, you close with your family? Yeah, I'm close. Yeah. Everybody's nice. You have brothers and sisters?

I have a younger sister. Does she have any signs of schizophrenia as well? No. Oh, wow. That's interesting. Do you think it's just, you know, perhaps onset by a moment of your life or anything like that? I dabble pretty hard in psychedelics. That shit speeds it up, right?

Apparently I still have the gene. Right. Hooah! Oh, wow. Look at that. That's a wild reference out of nowhere. You been hanging out at the Blockbuster, Spencer? Maybe. When was the last time

you had an issue? It's been like three, four years. I've been good. I live on my own. I drive. Oh, that's great. Heck yeah. There you go. I love that. Very cool. What do you do for fun? What are we talking about?

You just plan school shootings but never go through with it? No, I'm kidding. That's a joke. I knew you'd... Let's hit open mics. Open mics. Bowling for Columbine documentary session.

All right. How about other than stand-up comedy? Anything else fun? You have any hobbies or anything like that? I like going out in the woods and picking mushrooms. Wow. So you're still doing this shit? You don't eat the mushrooms that you pick?

Microdose. Stop it. No, that's a bad idea. Spencer. Have you ever seen the movie The Blair Witch Project? Yes. Did you like it? All right, Spencer.

Don't you think that's a bad idea, though? That can't be good for you if you're... I'm mainly just hunting them and finding them. Right. Eating them and tripping and furthering your schizophrenia. Stop it, please. Redband's very concerned

because he's scared for anyone that eats fresh vegetables of any kind. Have you tried a Dave's Double yet? Hey, Munford, I'm going to tell you something. I love your style, man, and for four months you're playing with fire. You have something

really special, and I say lean into this thing use the open mics as your own fucking awesome there we all use it as therapy for numerous fucking undiagnosed mental disorders that we all have and uh a lot of the best are absolutely fucking wild men so use it fucking focus all that energy and when you feel when you feel bad that's when you should write a joke because when you should write a joke. Because if you can write a joke when your brain's wanting to bring you down, that's going to make your writing muscle much stronger. So it's a time to embrace that.

Positive push. That's right. How about one more time for Munford Davis, ladies and gentlemen? He's on social media at Munford Davis. ladies and gentlemen. He's on social media at Munford Davis. All one word. M-O-N-F-O-R-D D-A-V-I-S. That's deep.

Yeah, I like that. I always like fucking... It's always so fun to me how many different shapes and sizes and styles so fun to me how many different shapes and sizes and styles of different comedians we get to sign up for this show.

You guys having fun out there? Alright. Clearly anything can happen on this show. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Travis Carl. Here we go. So I was at my friend's house the other day, and he was telling me that he walked in on his 10-year-old son watching porn on the family computer,

and he was very upset by this because he was worried that watching porn at that young an age was going to, like, warp his son's mind. And he was just like, man, we didn't have this when we were his age. We couldn't just get online and pull up any level of pornography. I don't know what that's going to do to his head.

And I'm a good friend, so I went, hey, to be fair, that is true. We didn't have a Pornhub. When we were his age, if we wanted to see a naked woman, we would have to go to a blockbuster. Go through the horror section and then try and find a movie

that had tits in it. My point is, every woman I jerked off to until I was 15 years old died horribly 10 seconds later. There you go. Travis Carl. Absolutely.

Wow, I love that. Hello, Travis. Hi. How are you? I'm good. Heck yeah. A little nervous. I bet you are.

Yeah. Can you hear me now? Yes. All right, good. You caught him. So, Travis, how long have you been doing stand-up? About ten years. Ten years.

All of it here in D.C.? No, I'm from Virginia Beach, Norfolk area. Oh, very cool. Jesus Christ. Relax a little bit. He's got that Virginia meth right here. Who gets that excited for anything in Virginia? My God.

Is that where you were born and raised, Virginia Beach? I was born in Phoenix. I was raised in Phoenix. How'd you end up out there? Well, I ended up moving to San Diego to be a civilian contractor with the Navy and then flew out. They transferred me out to Virginia Beach to work. So that's where you are. Those shipyards, yeah. You work with

the Navy. Well, no. Now I am a underground utility contractor. Whoa. Hell yeah. We're an underground podcast. Oh, nice. Now I am a underground utility contractor. Whoa. Hell yeah. We're an underground podcast. Oh, nice. What does that mean? Underground? I take hydrochloric acid and I flush it through pipes to take out the buildup.

Walter White settled down. Wow. My goodness. And 10 years doing stand-up and you do it all around these areas? Yeah, I try to. How do you know about this show? I'm a fan. I went and saw you in Philly when you were there.

Didn't make it on, and saw you were coming here, so we drove up. Awesome. I love it. Who's we? Who'd you drive by? It's me, my friend Vicky, and Keller there in the back. Ooh, Vicky and Keller. Oh, my God.

Is that Helen Keller? Yeah. Don't start that again. Yeah, nothing but trouble. Another viral video, you know what I'm saying? Anyway, Travis, tell us about you. What are some fun facts about Travis? Um,

oh, I was almost arrested once for attempted rape on Vicky, who's in the back. Wow. Jeez, my God. Wow. Jeez, that sounds about right. How did that happen? We were drinking in Richmond, and she was blackout drunk and pissed in the middle of the street. Uh-huh.

And then passed out with her pants down. Uh-huh, and you're just standing there on the sidewalk stroking it, right? Just fucking spitting on your hand, just fucking staring right at it. You're trying to get underneath her squad in the middle of the street, get some of that piss on you, you know what I mean? You look sort of like George R. R. Kelly. You know what I mean?

No, I tried to put her pants back on. Oh, wow. Welcome to another episode of This Is Rape, everyone. The old reverse rapist. No, I'm putting her pants back on. Also, my mom was there. Who? My mom was there.

Mom was joining in on the rape? Wow. One in the Vicky, two in the Sticky. You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. I just learned the Cosby theme. Wow. Very good.

My goodness. So what happened? Did the cops let you off? Yes, but it was a long, long conversation, which I had to introduce my mother to them. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, no one rapes in front of their own mother. Well, I was trying to pull her panty.

Cop turned around the corner. Flashers go off. Let's check in with Spencer real quick. Yeah, can I just say, Tempted Rape on Vicky is my favorite Sublime song. All right, okay. Wow. My goodness.

You ever end up hooking up with Vicky? No, no. We're friends because she used to date my best friend and then we were all roommates and then he killed himself and then we became We have a long, complicated backstory. Oh my god.

He killed himself while he was living with you and Vicky? Yeah. Wow. How did he do it? Pills and Miller Lite. Oh, my God. You know, I don't know about you guys, but I don't even think he needed the pills. I think it was just the Miller Lite.

You drink enough of that shit. Anyway, that's exciting. Wow. So how long ago did that happen uh five six years ago my goodness you guys still all live together uh no no he's in heaven no i know i'm not asking about the dead guy all right oh you guys like that oh you, you like it? Sons of bitches. Seventh Heaven, all seasons one through nine in the family section. Yes, I know he's dead, but do you still live together? No, none of us live together anymore.

Right, right, right. That's sort of ruined the whole party. I'm sorry. No, it's okay. There's nothing worse than apologies on this show. My goodness gracious. So what's your living situation now? I'm currently a 35-year-old man living with my parents.

Wow. That's fun. My goodness. You have your own bedroom? I do, yeah. Is it above? It's second floor bedroom, so yeah, I'm out of the basement. Wow.

Your Star Wars toys collection must be amazing. Fuck! So how do you get the girls upstairs to rape them? Oh, on the street. That's why I have to do it in the street. Do you ever bring a girl back to your parents' house? No, not yet. When's the last time you've been with a woman sexually? It's been a couple weeks. My girlfriend said we're

on a break ever since I accidentally said ooh when she got her period. That sounds familiar. So a couple weeks ago what happened? Where'd you meet that girl? I hooked up with an ex. Look at that. You dirty dog.

Oh wow. How did that go down? up with an ex. Oh, look at that. Oh, you dirty dog. Oh, wow. Yeah. How did that go down? In a car, because I live with my parents. Wow. So you had sexual intercourse in a car. Full-blown sex?

No. Oral. What kind of car? Did you give oral, or did you just receive? I just received. And what kind of car was it? It was a Ford Edge. Wow, look at that. That's a rape car if I've ever heard of one before in my life.

Ford Edge says one of your friends just killed himself a few years ago. You know what I'm saying? It's just the type of car you buy when a friend kills himself. You guys luckily don't have to worry about these types of things. When Brody killed himself, we all almost bought a Ford Edge at one point. It's true. It's a weird thing. I ended up...

Okay, okay. All right. Unbelievable. All right. Well, Travis, we love it when veterans of the comedy game come on and flex their muscles. Ten years in the game is a compliment to us on this show that you even have the balls to sign up for it. It's only a minute, but you were unbelievable. Great interview.

That's what I love. Travis. Carl. Instagram. Travis underscore S underscore Carl. Theo, get off of Rudy. How about a hand for Spencer and Kyle over here? Kyle still finding his footing a little bit here tonight, huh?

A little bit of the iceberg here tonight. Hey, man, be kind. bit here tonight, huh? A little bit of the iceberg here tonight. Hey, man, be kind. Hey, sometimes it helps. It makes them the underdog if I lower the expectations a bit. Anyway, now that I've done that, it probably won't work at all. Pulled another name out. How many of you like it when comedians

do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Bunch of animals here tonight. Put your hands together for your next comedian, JP. JP. Whoa, loud guy. This dude's been loud all night.

He's about to get some energy out right now. From the loud guy in the front row to the man behind the microphone. Look who's in the front row right here. Some celebrities from New York are here, everybody. The juggler and his lovely wife.

Here he is, JP. What's up DC? So you guys probably know me as the loud guy from VB. So guys, have you ever masturbated so many times in a day that your dick gets rug burn? Well, that's not... Okay, well, that didn't work.

So I started dressing better. It's a shame because although I look nice, I still have a small dick, so... So I went to culinary school and I like to cook, and recently I found out that the secret ingredient to every meal is pot. And if we smokers know that, that's right.

People say you are what you eat, so that makes me a huge pussy. People say you are what you eat, so that makes me a huge pussy. So, I usually get made fun of the way I look, my beard and such. People like to tell me I look like Hey Arthur. Honestly, I look like Hey Arthur and Saddam Hussein had a baby. There you go. JP.

60 seconds. Un uninterrupted. Wow. I mean, you should run for office, dude. That's what I think. You did a lot of jokes, and you got people to literally verbally agree with you on a lot of those things. I've never really seen that before on a comedy show where someone's like, Hey, you ever jerk off so much you get rug burn on your dick? Guys comedy show where someone's like, hey, you ever jerk off so much you get rug burn on your dick? Guys in the audience are just like, yes, yes.

Then you moved on to another thing. I thought the fucking heat was coming. You had everybody right where, oh, there you go. From the looks of you, it was prayer rug burn. Yeah. Rug burn!

Rug burn! Yeah! Rugburn. Jalpern! Jalpern! Yeah! There it is. Look at that. Look at that. Look what happens. Sometimes you gotta knock them down

to bring them back up. You know what I mean? It's fucking Urban Meyer right there. You gotta fucking be a leader. Anyway, JP. Aladdin. The A section.

So JP, this is clearly your very first time ever attempting My fourth time. Let's just say it's your first time. Normally I just say, this is your first time. There's the go to the first time. Don't try to cut its head off and sacrifice it.

Oh, God, I was ready. JP, what ethnicity are you? I'm not Indian or any Middle Eastern. I'm a mutt among mutts. I'm a Native American, Cuban, Puerto Rican, African American, as well as French. Oh, God. Boo French? Hey, fuck you, boo French.

I think they were booing all the races you named. Name them one more time. Black? Name them again from the beginning. You said you're a mutt. Go ahead. Name them. So my mother is Puerto Rican, Cuban, and...

I'm not even from here. I don't get it. No, my mother's Puerto Rican, Cuban, and Native American. Wow. Okay, hey, I don't speak Spanish. Don't get mad at me. JP, stop. Boo.

I'm sorry. And my father's African American, Native American. Bacon soda. That's right. Hit me with the bacon soda. No, African American, Native American and also French Canadian. Wow.

Let's check in with Spencer over here. You said that you're Native American and there's only a little bit left in you so you must be one of the last Mohicans. Last of the Mohicans. I'll do it. Your local Blockbuster.

Yeah, it's $3.99. Wow, that's a pricey, pricey thing. Thank you, Spencer. Hell yeah. So let's talk about it, JP, other than your disgusting blood that flows through your body. Is it true what you said about having a small dick? You have to ask my girlfriend.

Honestly, I think it's small. How big is it? Show me with your fingers. No, okay. She's the one with the big pussy, though. Remember, he said that she has a big pussy. You said that. I am what I eat. Right. So how big is her pussy?

No, he didn't say she has a big pussy. He just says he eats a lot of pussy. No, but she has a big pussy. Did you say she has a big pussy during your... No, no. She does not have a big pussy. I eat a lot. You got it, Jeremy. No, I got you. JP, shut the fuck up.

What do you do for work? I work in insurance. I sell our company's website to different companies. Oh, my God. God damn. These people hate you. They hate me.

What do you do for fun? Do you have any fun hobbies? I do a lot. I used to coach and instruct judo. I've never seen this before. You're one of the most unliked people in the history of the show. It's unbelievable. Let me try again.

I play D&D. Oh, come on. Now you're going right into it. Is there something you can tell this audience that will make them like you right now?

You are on the chopping block, my friend. This is incredible. Honestly, I didn't think I'd be on the chopping block. I really enjoy... I really enjoy hanging out with my friends.

How many of you want to see me murder this man right now, huh? You got to give the people what they want. You know what? I'm going to let you slide here on this one. Thank you. Honestly, thank you. I'm not going to kill you. I do interesting things. I've instructed judo

for kids before. I used to... I recently got into orbiting. It's sort of like a flow kind of thing with music. JP, we're going to do something special that we've never done before in the history of the show. You're sitting

in the front row. You've been loud all night since the show began. You finally had your opportunity. You finally had your opportunity to have uninterrupted time and get to speak your mind, and it turns out you're one of the worst people in the history of the show.

So, my friend, I got bad news for you. Look at your disappointed girlfriend while I do it. This is so funny. Sad face Jenkins over here. And by the way, by the way, let it be known how fitting this is, but with the Blockbuster guys, this type of tape is happening right now. There he goes. Tape of the mouth, JP, everybody.

There you go. There you go, JP. There you go. Looks like he's not eating pussy tonight. He's on social media at BeanieKingJP. B-E-A-N-I-E. I love it when that weird shit happens where the crowd

just totally... There you go. They turn on him. But I will say this. Let me remind you all that during Comedian 60 Seconds, don't heckle or agree or say things in between their jokes. Let the tension build and break and then when it's done, you know, and if you really hate someone, you can fucking

yell whatever you want. You know what I mean but just give him the 60 seconds I know we're having fun right cool okay great your next comedian goes by the name of Nick Gianni Nick Gianni here he comes he's excited from the second

row said yes sir the second I pulled his name he's ready I can feel it. This guy is ready. Nick Gianni. One more time for Nick Gianni. What's up, Comedy Loft? I apologize for the way I look. I just rolled out right out of my sister's bed and came straight here. I'm sorry.

I got to get a new hobby. I do. I got to get a new hobby. I got to stop going to orgies. She's got tired of holding my mom's purse, really. My dad always giving me fist bumps and whatnot. I had to get out of there. No, but the closest I did ever get to an orgy was having sex in the same room about five feet away.

It was a young woman and another man. They were having sex, and the lights were off. Thank God for them. Thank you. Okay, is that it? No, there's more. You want me to go on? Yeah, let's hear the rest of it, Spencer. Yes, sir. Let it? I'll end it. No, there's more. You want me to go on? Yeah, let's hear the rest of it, Spencer.

Yes, sir. Let's hear the rest of it. Thank God for them. The lights were off, but it was really hard to concentrate in that room. It was really hard to concentrate. All I could hear was really the sounds of the other guy doing a much better job than I was.

It sounded like he was plunging a toilet. Oh, come on. He's on the punchline. We were going to let him finish it. Come on, Reb. What was the last thing going to be? What was the last thing? It sounded like he was punching what?

It sounded like he was plunging a toilet. Plunging a toilet. Yes, sir. Yeah, right. I like your style. I do like that. I do like that. That's, sir. Yeah, right. I like your style. There you go. I do like that. I do like that.

That's funny. Cut me off, man. I have one more. I know, but when you go extra, it's supposed to be like five or ten seconds. I'm sorry, bro. I'm sorry, bro. I've been planning for this forever. I'm sorry, Tony.

What's up? No, don't apologize. I consider that Red Band's fuck up, to be honest with you. Thank you. Fuck yeah. You can continue the show. I still love you, Red Band. I'm still a big fan.

It's okay. He fucks up all the time. There's no repercussions. Nothing yeah. You can continue the show. I still love you, Redman. I'm still a big fan. It's okay. He fucks up all the time. There's no repercussions. Nothing changes. So, Nick, let's talk about it. First time doing stand-up? No, no, no, no, no, no. How long have you been doing it?

A couple years. About two years now. A couple years. Two years. All of it here in D.C.? No, down on the eastern shore in Salisbury. Salisbury. Wow.

Fuck yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my goodness. Yes, sir. Putting the eastern. Salisbury. Wow. Oh my God. My goodness. Yes, sir. Putting the Eastern Shore on the map. Wow. Hell yeah you are. Look at you. Yes, sir. You look like you have a lot of Nazi tattoos underneath that hoodie. Am I right?

This is good. Whoa. What is he about to show us? He pulled up a sleeve. What is this? Is there something? No tattoos? Nothing, sir. He just has a face tattoo of Edward Norton in American History X. Hell yeah. You a Giants fan?

Those really exist? Yes, sir. I knew that was going to come up. Yes, sir. I'm ride or die, man. I got five uncles all from Long Island. Right, right, right. And you guys all work in the same business?

No. No. No. No. What do you do for work? No. Unfortunately, I work at a grocery store, a big conglomerate. I won't say what it is, but it rhymes with Aldi.

Whoa. Oh, okay. Heck, yeah. You look like you've been eating all the stuff in the candy section. You can use that if you want. A buck 25, Tony? A buck 25? Is that what you're guessing I weigh?

No. Oh, yeah. A buck 25. Is that what you weigh? I don't know. I don't know what you're referencing. What's a buck 25? Everything has a goddamn Aldi. Oh, I had no idea. Okay. Okay, yeah. A buck twenty-five. Is that what you weigh? I don't know. I don't know what you're referencing. What's a buck twenty-five? Everything has a goddamn Aldi.

Oh, I had no idea. Okay, okay, sir. Fucking relax. What the hell? You're the bad coke guy on this show? Yes. Second row, there you go. Take some of JT's tape.

Yeah, take some of the tape. There you go. You're Chris. Pass the tape. Just relax, pal. It's a live show, and there's everybody else that's around you that's enjoying themselves. Don't make it about yourself. I think you can.

I think you fucking can. I bet you can. I'll bet you anything that you fucking can. I'll bet you you could look deep inside your fucking soul, or you'll be standing out in the rain in two fucking minutes. How about that? Oh, is it? I'll bet you anything. There's nothing this crowd would like more than to see someone get kicked out.

Don't give them what they want, please. Just shut the fuck up. You gonna shut the fuck up? You're not? Okay. I promise you that if you yell out one more fucking time, I promise you, and it'll give me great joy, they will kick you out. So, I mean, it's really up to you. Tony.

I promise you. Tony. And I you. Tony. And I'm always right. And you probably, if this is how you're behaving now, I promise you, you probably live a life of fucking losing. Tony. We're opposites. Calm down.

Tony. We got him. We got him right where I fucking want him. Yeah, I know. His name's Scotty. It doesn't matter. So, Nick, tell us stuff about you. What do you like to do for fun?

I coach high school football. I coach high school football. Yeah, I do. JV football, I'm a JV offensive line coach. I mean, it's not exciting, but... That's fun. Fuck, man. Good team?

Yeah, we went 7-2 this year. Wow. How do you do it? How do you keep the kids all in line? How do I keep them in line? Dude, I fucking lose my shit. Fuck them. Give them in line? Dude, I fucking lose my shit. Give them some of that fucking Jerry Sandusky treatment.

You son of a bitch. I bet you do. You son of a bitch. You look like you hate showers. Just like Sandusky. I took my once weekly one today. Thank you. Yes, sir. You look like you sit in one of

those outdoor baths that are made of a big silver trash can. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't matter. He looks like if you pulled out the CD in his car, the out would pop out the best of Smash Mouth.

That's true. I agree with that. I fuck with Smash Mouth. Yeah, man. I fuck with Smash Mouth. For sure. I love it, Nick. You drink a lot of water?

A fair amount. I know I look like I'm tired. I know I look like I'm tired. I know I look like I'm tired I know I look like I'm tired I know I look like I'm tired I wasn't gonna say that You don't look tired No I do I usually

I drink probably about Five six bottles of water a day Man honestly Wow that's very good Free Willy The kids section Yes sir Huh

Very interesting stuff Nick You look like you burn crosses on people's lawns and then just make s'mores in the fire. That's true. You're not wrong with that. Whoa. What race do you hate the most most if you were to choose one? Wow, that's a segue for you.

If you had to choose one race, gun to the head, what race do you hate the most? I got you. I got you. All of you. All right. Whatever the Simpsons are, I don't. I like that. Very safe maneuver there.

Very good. I don't... Ah, I like that. Very safe maneuver there. I don't understand. So Asian. Right. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, is that because they're yellow, Brian? What? I didn't know what you were talking about. Nick just whispered in my ear

five of the ethnicities that JP was. So, I mean, let's see. That's the proper answer. Yes, sir. Nick, you knocked it out tonight, dude. I appreciate you, man. You're doing it. You got good beats, good timing. I appreciate you. You executed real jokes. Yes, sir. Nick, you knocked it out tonight, dude. I appreciate you, man. You're fucking doing it.

You have good beats, good timing. I appreciate you. You executed real jokes. Very fun stuff. Nick Gianni, everybody. He's on Instagram. I'm Nick Gianni. Feels good in here now.

Feels good in here now. How about this side over here? You guys okay tonight? Everything good over here? You guys okay tonight? Everything good over here? All right, good. A little shallow darkness back here. All right. Let's see what happens here with the comedy stylings of Adam DeVere.

Adam Dewar. DeVar. Adam. Deaver. Deaver. Adam. Here comes Adam. Deaver. Adam. Here comes Adam. Wow, what is this? Are you riffing this?

Spencer's just freestyling a song right now. LA Law? One more time for Adam and Deaver. I fucking love dogs, man. I love them. Everybody's got a dog. They call them rescue dogs, or as I call them, guilt-free punching bags.

They're awesome. I've had a few of them. You know, I always wonder, if my dog was a male, I always wondered if that red thing was really as salty as it looks. I figured Red Band could tell me. Just got through a marriage.

That was rough, you know. The whole time, everything went bad. All the years I was in it. As I was coming out, I found where my wife hid all her sex toys. I was quite disappointed to find they were under my 16-year-old's bed. She didn't even know what she was doing with them.

They all smelled like shit. That's it. That's all I got. There you go. He's bailing out. 43 seconds. Adam Devere. Am I saying that right?

Devere? Ver? Hell yeah. I'm going to be honest with you. I am frightened of you. You have this wild meth energy to you. And you like to hurt animals. Fucking cool. You got domestic abuse face.

Yeah, you do. That's exactly what it is. Hell yeah. So let's talk about it, Adam. How long have you been doing comedy? First time. There you go. Pop that cherry. Absolutely. I love it. How old are you?

36. 36? Wow, you look younger than that. It's crazy. You look... A lot of drugs, man. Yeah. Yeah.

What drugs? What drugs are you into? I don't really do any drugs. Oh, okay. I smoke weed now and again. That's it. Smoke weed. That's it.

What do you do for work? This guy's ripped. A little bit. I drive a truck, man. You drive a truck. Whoa, like in over the top. Wow. Drive a truck.

How do you get so buffed? Do you have no power steering fluid in that fucking thing? I drive around the city here, man. There's a lot of turns. I'm constantly moving the wheel. Wow, that's incredible. These pussy-ass Uber drivers are all built like me.

Meanwhile, there's you out there just killing it. Wow. How long have you been driving a truck for? It's about my fourth year. About fourth year. Wait, what was that? Is that Sylvester Stallone? It's Sylvester Stallone.

Wow. Thank goodness. There you go. Yeah, I got to pick my kid up for this arm wrestling championship. All right. Don't make me turn my hat around backwards, man. So, Adam, you've never actually hit a dog, correct? No. No.

Do you have a dog? I had an awesome dog, man, 16 years. You had it? It died? It died. Oh, no.. You had it? It died? Oh, no. When did that happen? Last summer.

Last summer. Just died of old age. No, I killed it. You killed it? I had to take it to the vet and be put to sleep. Right. So you did it yourself. Right.

So how'd you do it? Talk right into the tip of that microphone. The vet actually gave him a shot and he died. Oh, so I thought you meant you did it. I could picture the vet being like, I'm going to put it down. It's going to be $75. And you're like, I'll do it myself. Yeah, that's what I really, 100%. Yeah, he was old age, bad hips.

He was a pit bull. They don't last that long. Right. I had a feeling it was a pit bull. That was my next question. Is there any chance you could put the rapper Pitbull down at a veterinarian sometime? Give him a shot. I don't know if I need the vet.

Right. That's fun. So what do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of guy that has cool hobbies, right? Like you attend hot dog eating competitions. You just watch. You don't even participate. Am I right?

No, I would kill it. I work out. I hunt fish. Wow, that's so cool. I also live on the shore. What don't even participate. Am I right? No, I would kill it. Right. I work out. I hunt fish. Wow, that's so cool. I also live on the shore. What shore? Eastern Shore. Yeah.

What part? I mean, isn't everybody on the Eastern Shore here? I don't even understand how you guys think. Yeah, I'm from Denton, about 30 miles from you guys. Okay. All right. Okay, relax, relax. Sit down, sit down.

A bunch of goddamn animals here tonight. So, wow. Eastern Shore is just a long stretch. Is that correct? It's between here and the ocean in Maryland. Right. You sure about that? Huh.

How about your love life? What's that like? Just getting divorced, man. That's right. Have you had any rebounds yet? A little. Look at you, you naughty boy. How long were you with your wife for?

Off and on for 12 years. Off and on for 12 years. Fuck yeah, man. I think I recognize you from an old Jerry Springer episode. This is exciting. Off and on for 12 years. And now it's off. Why was it so on again and off again, do you think?

You're out there driving a truck, we're getting into some fucking lot lizards, you know what I mean? I wish, man. I wish that was the case. Nah, just trying not to give up. Did she cheat? Did you cheat?

Anybody cheat? She cheated. You came home from a truck driving shift. Let cheated. You came home from a truck driving shift. Let me guess. Came home from a truck driving shift. Somebody left their gun holster on your side of the bed. You know what I'm saying? As far as I know, that didn't happen.

Right. All right. Well, that's probably what she said. Right. That's fun. Interesting. Now, let me ask you this. If Jeremiah and I drove by you, Jeremiah

in the passenger seat, and he rolled down the window and gave you one of these, would you honk? 100% of the time. You honk every time someone gives you that signal? Every time I see it, yeah. Kids and adults alike? Doesn't matter. There you go. You know what?

At the end of the day, that's all that fucking matters. Being a good truck driver, and everybody knows that's the only part of truck driving that fucking matters. If you honk. Doesn't even matter if you stay between the lines or signal for lane changes. If you honk when someone gives you that signal, you're a real goddamn American, Adam. And you know what? Just for that, you're my favorite so far tonight.

There he goes, Adam DeVere, everybody. Wow. Spencer... Spencer's hairline has actually moved forward as the show has gone on. Yeah, it's a condition. All right, pulled another name out. Here we go. Paldo DP, Pablo DP.

Pablo DP. There's groans in the audience. Pablo DP. Pablo DP. You guys having fun out there? Here he is, Pablo DP. Yo, DC, what's up, guys? World Series baseball champs!

No, but for real, though, DC's such a political town. We saw everybody on TV give their opinions of the World Series champions, and everybody gave their opinion on Trump. You know what I'm saying? Everybody's like, yo, Trump's an asshole. Trump is racist, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But then what pissed me off was that somebody said, yo, you know Trump?

The Russians, the fucking Russiansians they helped him win the elections but then the guy who said this he was wearing a fucking caps jersey and you can guess what it said i said motherfucking ovenchkin do you know where ovenchkin's from he's russian he ain't american dude exactly you know what i'm saying, right? So this one time, I helplessly and I helplessly watched my friend get molested. Pablo DP.

Sure. Okay. Grab that microphone. Very interesting take. So this was clearly an attempt at combining really just more thoughts than anything else together. Did a little one-two punch of baseball and politics. Two things people stopped taking seriously at the end of the 90s. It's like your live journal or something. It's DC. It's DC. It's DC. It's DC.

Are you sure about that? Because it seemed like that's how that would have gone pretty much anywhere in the country. I don't think they were really with you on that. Did you notice that at all? I'm not going to lie, dude. 60 seconds go by fast. Yeah, I bet. It seemed to go a lot slower for everyone

else that's been on tonight. But you gave it a shot. First time trying stand-up? That's right, sir. I don't even know if I believe you on that one. Yeah. It is my first time. It really is?

That's right, yep. Okay, very good. That's right. I like that. That's right. That's what you say. Instead of yes, you just say that's right. That's right. Yeah,, very good, that's right I like that, that's right That's what you say, instead of yes You just say that's right

That's right Yeah, okay You are correct Pablo, so what do you do for work? I am a leasing agent I sell luxury apartments I bet you do Oh shit, here we go

It has begun This is where it starts on these people's jobs Spencer Well, I had a problem with your set about Is like you kept talking about how that guy's like Not American and your name's Pablo man That is true I grew up dirt poor In Argentina yep

You grew up very poor in Argentina That is correct There's an Argentina in India Yo you should know where Argentina is. How long have you been in America? I've been here for 20 years now. Wow, 20 years. How old are you?

I am 27. 27. Heck yeah. Oh, you're old. Wow. What do you do for fun? I like to play tennis, mountain bike. You know, actually, the first... Yo, what? You guys don't like tennis?

You mountain bike? Yes, I do, sir. Yeah, where do you go around? Where do you like to bicycle at? In Virginia, near George Washington's house. You know where he grew tobacco? Near there, yep. Oh, okay.

Near where he grew tobacco. Correct. That's fun. Interesting stuff. You have a girlfriend? Yes, I do. What ethnicity grew tobacco Correct That's fun, interesting stuff You have a girlfriend? Yes, I do What ethnicity is she? She's Asian

Whoa, look out Wow I like this guy Where'd you meet her at? Where'd you meet her? Where'd you meet the Asian? I met her at the mall Oh yeah? Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.

Such a foreign film. I love it. What were you doing at the mall? I was a teenager. I was just kind of hanging around. I actually just came from Blockbuster when I met her. Is that true? Yeah, that's my first drug dealer was from Blockbuster.

Your first drug dealer was at Blockbuster? Yeah, the only other guy in town. He was a little too sketchy for me. From Blockbuster to Busting Insider. What? I'm sorry. What kind of Asian is she?

She's half Chinese, half Vietnamese. Wow. Look at that. Whoa, the dangerous kind. You know, it's all right. We, you know. You have any special moves that you do

in the bedroom? Any little special tricks that you have? Being Argentinian, a real romantic, you seem? No, not really. Just pretty standard. You know, whatever position you can think of, we've done it. So that's about it. Really? Yeah.

Have you ever done it with your feet over your head? No, no no i'm actually uh you know i like i stretch every day i stretch every day yeah yeah because uh you know eventually like when i'm older i want to try some weird shit yeah right very interesting you uh you've ever been on stage before doing anything other than stand-up comedy um i i used to be in a band, and we once played a concert on a Sunday night. What instrument in the band did you play? I played the bass. Oh, okay.

That's fun. I would have loved to have seen you get your ass beat tonight in a drama, but it looks like that's not going to happen. Well, Pablo, to be honest with you, I mean, you scare me more than the buff meth head that was on just before you. Yo, wait, wait, wait. Tell me, tell me, tell me. Wait, why is that, Tony?

Because there's something that just seems a little bit wibbly wobbly about you. Really? Something a little loose, like the way you communicate right now. You see what you're doing? You see your body language? Are you hitting me with the force right now? No. So, you know, I was sober.

That's good. Stay sober. Until about 7 p.m. earlier tonight. Oh, okay. Yeah, you know, calling sick from work tomorrow. So my boss sees this and I'm fucking fired. How long have you been sober for? Since New Year's.

Since New Year's. And that's probably for a reason. Something happened on New Year's. Since New Year's. And that's probably for a reason. Something happened on New Year's. You got a little extra sloppy, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a little, you know, just drinking too much. I didn't like feeling like shit at work. Right.

And then what happened tonight? You got a little nervous before the show, after you signed up? Or what happened? Yeah, so, you know so I actually practiced my set. I had more jokes. Oh, wow. The thing about DC is that you can kind of go to the store and kind of buy weed. That's something that's a little bit new.

Oh, so it was pot that you did. Yeah, and I took a few caffeine pills and drank a little bit too much. Caffeine pills? Caffeine pills and drank too much. That's right, Tony. Well, you're full of excuses. If you had as many jokes as you had excuses, you would have fucking killed tonight.

How about a hand for Pablo DP, everyone? We're going to keep moving along. On to the next one. All right, put your hands together for your next comedian, Victoria Thompson. Here we go, Victoria Thompson. Yeah! Get a lady up your ass.

Wow, here she comes from deep in the back of the room. Victoria Thompson. I wish that you would step back from that ledge. Here she is, Victoria Thompson. Come on, make some noise for her, everybody. How's it going? So, I really hate this whole free the nipple movement. Because my tits are the only thing I got going for me right now.

You know, I'm almost 30. It's too late now to get a personality. So Thanksgiving is around the corner and my family's still kind of mad at me because last year for you know dinner I brought two sides and a

spray bottle for my grandma I started getting a little racist and I think I brought the wrong one because now she's saying she doesn't see color. So I have a gap in my teeth and then, you know, it makes blowjobs like really fucking special. Keep going. Keep going. I want to hear this all the way to the end. It makes it special.

Why? Was that it? No. Yeah, okay. When you finally get that extra point, you know. Wait, what? You get the extra point? I don't get it.

She's talking about shooting in her face. Oh, okay. Oh, I like that. It's okay. Oh, I like that. It's good. Okay. I got that. It's like the extra point in football. There you go. Victoria Thompson. Very fun.

Hell yeah. How you doing? Welcome, welcome. You seem cool to me. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is like my third time. Third time ever on stage. How long ago was been doing stand-up? This is like my third time. Third time ever on stage. When did you start? How long ago was your first time?

Oh, God. Like a month, maybe? A month ago. Heck, yeah. Are you from around this area? No, I came here from North Carolina. Oh, wow. Another person making the long trip, huh?

Oh, wait. Are you Vicky? Yeah. Oh, you're the Vicky. Oh, not that Vicky. I'm a Vicky, but not that Vicky. Oh, okay. I'm actually...

This was all starting to make sense, I was going to say. That's my mom. Oh, I see what you did there. Heck yeah. That's fun. So, third time in a month you've been doing stand-up. What do you do for a living? I work at a farmer's market.

Wow. What do you do at the farmer's market? Quality control. Somebody's got to test that cucumber, man. I bet. Heck yeah. Can I just say, when you said you had a gap, Brian, look between your legs. I know.

I love gaps. Heck yeah. You're adorable. You're a sweet Heck yeah. You're adorable. You're a sweet little thing. You have a boyfriend? I'm single. Whoa. How'd that happen?

What's going on here? Seems like especially in the Washington, D.C. area, someone like you would get scooped right the fuck up, right? You ever take a walk on a street in Anacosta before? That reference didn't work both shows tonight. I can't believe it. Anacosta.

That's a reference. Wait, wait, wait. I'm intrigued. Oh, I'm saying it wrong. That's why. Oh, okay. Costia. I'll never need to know it again. Me neither. That's it. There were two Kill Tonys tonight. That wasia. I'll never need to know it again. Me neither. That's it. There were two Kill Tonys tonight.

That was it. Those were my two chances, and it did win bad both times. So Anna Kostia. All right. Well, that's fun. All the way from North Carolina. That's a pretty long drive. We spoke to some other people that were from North Carolina earlier.

You weren't with them, though, huh? Nope. I'm actually here with one of the other Kill Tony subreddit mods, Dame. Oh, wow. Oh, there's Kill Tony subreddit mods here. You guys do a good job. Yeah, thanks for deleting all the bad shit people say about me. You guys really put a lot of extra work in, I'm sure.

I'm the most hated one. I'm the hot mod. Wow, the hated one. I'm the hot mod. Wow, the hot mod. I'm the hot mod. Are you the one that makes the baseball cards? Yeah, yes, it's me. Okay, cool. Nice to meet you.

They're dope. Wow, look at that. I don't know what's going on. Yeah, I make custom sports cards, and I'm actually working on a whole Katoni collection. I've got Jeremiah Dunn. I've got Joel. I'm working on yours, Tony, and Red Band. I'm actually working on a whole Katoni collection. I've got Jeremiah Dunn. I've got Joel. I'm working on yours, Tony. And Red Band, I'm lost.

You're hot. I love it. I love it. I love you to death, Brian, but I don't know what the fuck to do for you. It's hard. What, like what sport? I don't understand. How does what sport? I don't understand.

How does it work? I don't know. Well, no, I take like sports cards and I like paint over them or like draw over them with, you know, like stuff. And I don't know. Get some bowling cards.

What type of guys are you into? What type of guys do you like to date? Victoria? Oh, God. The wrong ones, usually. Tell me about it, sister. Like your most recent relationship, what was that like? It was okay.

It was short-lived. I went through... He was a midget? He was big where it counted, man. He was big. You were short-lived. What happened there? What was that about? Where'd you guys meet? Oh, I met on

one of those dating apps. So I went through a... Farmers only? I think that's where I'm going to have to try again. I don't know. But I went through, where I'm going to have to try again I don't know When I turned 18 I started dating someone and I ended up being

with them for 8 years and it was not a good relationship and I was kind of afraid to go back into the dating game Right, he was a truck driver and he seemed abusive to dogs He wasn't driving in the right lane if you know what I'm saying. No, I don't know what you're saying. Explain

what that means. What does that mean? He wasn't driving in my vagina. Oh, there wasn't a lot of sex going on. Not a lot of sex. That's a goddamn shame. I know, right? Yeah, that's no fun. How little sex are we talking about?

Well, I mean, I guess it was okay for him, but it was like maybe once a week. Oh, wow. I mean, did you used to have sex a lot, and then it went to that? Okay, yes. Horny guys are booing sex once a week. Did it start off like you had sex all the time,

and then it got to once a week? That's normal, honestly, for a relationship in the world, mostly. In the whole wide world. I feel bad. All right. Victoria, what else about you? Anything else crazy about you that we should know about, about your life or your history? Any fun facts about you?

You ever swim across Lake Erie or anything like that? It's on my bucket list. I bet. Got a long fuck it list, so. What's a fuck it list? People I want to fuck. Really? Wow.

Who's on it? Let's start naming names. Oh, shit. All right. So, well, first of all, I guess I can just say it like Joel. Whoa. Whoa. I can just say it like Joel.

Whoa. It feels good to be. Wow. How many. We're at a farmer's market. A lot of potatoes. How many of you think they should go play seven in heaven in that back green room right now? Huh? How many of you think they should go play Seven in Heaven in that back green room right now, huh? For the first time ever in Kill Tony history, this is a Mexican scum-off.

I'll kiss her. Whoa, all right, here we go. Come on up here. Make sure you center it upright for the camera right there. It's right that way. Wow. Wow. Oh, my God.

She just squirted so much, Joel almost swam back to Mexico in it. You have herpes now. Wow, look at that. Not the first time I've seen a Mexican inside the gap before. My goodness, looks like you found a crack in the wall to sneak into. You seem very sexual. Have you ever done any camming? Is there any nudes out there we can look at?

Uh-oh. Red band's like a bear. You can smell a cam girl from two miles away. I'm not a cam girl, but I do have a lot of interesting Oh yeah, what Reddit subreddit is this? I haven't moved

there yet, but see me after the show. Whoa! Holy shit. From the red band to the bread pan. Look at this. The bread pan. I don't know. Areola size. Like small or...

Are we talking like... Pierced. Pierced? Pierced. Good girl. But that's a piercing nipple. Pierced nipple. We're talking about the areola.

Are we talking about like a bottle cap or a drink coaster? Like what are we talking about? Folgers can? No. Bottle cap. Bottle cap.

Wow. Snare drum. All right. How about one more time for the great Victoria Thompson, everybody? One of my favorite sets of the night so far. She's on Twitter at MarriedToMetalX. All one word. MarriedToMetal.

M-E-T-A-L-X. All one word. My goodness. Kill Tony makes people's dreams come true. Yeah, it's true. Absolutely true. You know what? Let's do something fun before getting back to the bucket. There was a young man who actually we gave a bonus spot to for

this show. From the first show, he had a very, very amazing performance. So let's get him back up here to do a brand new minute. Our favorite comedian in Washington D.C. so far. Make some noise for Martin Phillips, everybody.

Here we go. Where's he at? Here he comes, everybody. Here he comes. You saw him on the last episode. He's back again. Martin Phillips, everybody.

What's up, everyone? You know, I still get nervous when I'm up here. So someone gave me advice. He said, you know, just act like you're drunk. So taking that advice, I think I'm about to undo my pants and piss everywhere. You guys in the front row, oh, man.

Man, I've had trouble with women ever since I can remember it all started in second grade with a girl she showed me her nipple and I told the teacher I wish I had a better ending to that story.

I took the road less traveled. Actually, I work in a school. They always have the school shooting thing to give teachers guns. I think I don't like him because I'm, like, inexperienced, you know. I feel like I'd be a bad shot, you know. I, I,

I, I, God forbid, here's the last part, God forbid anything happens, the headline would be, like, school shooter shoots three while teacher accidentally shoots three more. You're like, ah! Martin Phillips.

Boom. Another unbelievable performance by Martin Phillips. That's his second minute tonight on Kill Tony. Two episodes back to back. Heck yeah. That's his second minute tonight on Kill Tony. Two episodes back to back. Heck yeah. You did it again.

Yippee. What? I said yippee. Yeah. Yippee do that motherfucking day, baby. That's how it's done in the pros. No doubt about it. So we talked with you about a lot of things. Your substitute teacher that last episode, this and that. And what are some everyday life things with muscular dystrophy,

having that, like, that are affected by you? A lot of things hard? A huge cock. That's right. Do you have to like put towels All around the toilet seat Or anything like that Like do you have to put like

Paper towels all around your toilet Before you pee Or anything like that You pee everywhere You sit down to pee I prefer to sit down It's more comfortable Yeah I agree

I agree I do that sometimes Maybe like this I can This it with it. This is like the bad arm. Oh, okay. So this arm has control. Wow, look at that.

Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Wow, you have muscular dystrophy, but that dick's retarded, man. That thing's crazy. I just caught a little glimpse of the outline of that fucking meat stick. My God. That fucking thing's forest plump. It's just amazing. It's a testament to how long

you've been doing comedy and stuff. You're more understandable than like 60% of the comics we get up here. It's true. It's fucking wild. It's incredible what focus and enunciation and trying hard does. You know what I mean? You've been doing stand-up, remind us again, for how long?

Like seven, eight years. Seven, eight years. Hell yeah. I love it, man. You do any fun gigs in your life? Highlights of your career so far? Other than killing two episodes in a row in the number one live podcast in your life? Highlights of your career so far? Other than killing two episodes in a row in the number one live podcast

in the world? I did a show. This is kind of cool, I guess. It's different. I did a show inside a lazy boy furniture store. Oh, fuck yeah. So yeah, that was... Wow, that's fucking incredible.

Yeah, it's naked. Not many people can say that. That's true. And it's great because everyone has a seat. Yeah. Hey, hello. I like that. Heck yeah, man.

What are physical activities that you might do sometimes that we would be surprised to find out? What was my first one? Nothing. A garbage human talked at that moment. I don't know. I have done a lot of 5Ks, actually.

I've actually walked and ran a lot of 5Ks. Wow, 5Ks. That's incredible. And it doesn't always happen. I'm near the end. Maybe not surprising. But things get me mental sometimes. And I don't know how to feel about

that because people will think I enjoy running or something. They have all these stuff in meddles. You do 5Ks and we had a guy up here earlier who looked like he did 3Ks. It's funny. If you want to look here and I just did the signal before you did it

because I literally wrote that down and I decided not to do it. Is there a time later at night when you're watching a movie or something where it's more calm? You're almost James Bond. I wish they could see me now where you're just sitting there very relaxed. Does it go up and down? I think right now I'm just being unsteady.

Right. Let me ask you this. Have you ever thought about taking a bath in infinite CBD? Just pure 99% pure isolate. I'd love to see what happened there. How many of you think you should take a bath in CBD right now?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't even know how we would do that. You ever use CBD, though? I've smoked weed a handful of times. A lot of people don't know this, but Infinite CBD has been known to cure muscular dystrophy. Really? Promo code KILTON.

I don't want to have any here tonight. Promo code KILTON. 2015. Is there anyone who has any here tonight? It has real apple cider vinegar in it. Yeah. I love it, man. That is so cool. Any other fun facts that we should find out about you before we send you on your way? I have a cat named Popcorn. You have a cat named Popcorn?

Oh, my god. How adorable is that? You put it in the microwave? He's got something he wants to say. I popped that post-it. Wow. Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. He did it again.

So fucking awesome, man. So awesome. That's how it's done in the pros right there. Unbelievable. What do you guys think? Back to the bucket, huh? Ooh. Wow.

Wowzers. JP being a well-behaved young man with the tape over his mouth. Shout out to the guy that was sort of a dick earlier. Fucking turned it around. I like your style. Very good. We're all back. This is good. The morale in the room is high. How about one more time for Martin Phillips? The bucket of destiny never lies, my friends. As we announced earlier, we recognize a young man from the audience

because he was on both a show in Poughkeepsie and a show live at the Gramercy Theater where we are Sunday night in New York City, and I just pulled his name out right now. I present to you, from Kill Tony fame, Justin Wood Circus. He's right here. He's in the house. Here we go.

Ah, love this guy. Justin Wood Circus. This guy's multi-talented. Always has some tricks up his sleeve. Come on, make some noise for Justin Wood Circus, everybody. So I hear Kill Tony just got back from Australia. You know what an Australian pig says? Oink, oink, oink!

Fuck you. I've been meeting a lot of Pisces lately. I think it might be a sign. I've been meeting a lot of Pisces lately. I think it might be a sign. 12 p.m., that's noon. 12 a.m., that's midnight. But they should probably just call it moon. 12 noon, 12 moon.

Then you could tell people, I didn't get home last night until late afternoon. It's not a laugh, it's a thinker. I got one quick joke for you. What did the cat say when 60 seconds had passed? Oh, you heard that one before. What did the bear say when the comedian went over his time? Wow.

Very impressive use of the show's format. Justin Wood Circus, welcome back. I actually wrote jokes this time. You tried. I love it.

Have you been testing those jokes out on the other pirates of the Caribbean? I probably made that joke about you before, but it's good to see you again, Justin Wood Circus. We've had a lot of fun this year, actually. It was only a few months ago. It's been a chaotic year for us traveling everywhere. How have you been, man? I've been good. I've been good. It's gotten a lot better for us traveling everywhere. How have you been, man? I've been good. I've been good.

It's gotten a lot better for me since I got that Kill Tony bump. Yeah, you certainly did. It's really interesting stuff because you were the first guy to ever bring up the words TikTok on the show. I had no idea what that was. And then I started seeing more and more of it around in social media so you're a hip dude as you could probably tell by anyone that would dress that way in public probably has his

finger on the pulse yeah what's the next thing what's the next I'll tell you after I like it if it's so good he won't say it on the air that means this is some good fucking info I like it dude I like it don't give me that crazy look you're a lovely Asian wife girlfriend what do we call that that means this is some good fucking info. I like it, dude. I like it. Don't give me that crazy look. Your lovely Asian wife? Girlfriend? What do we

call that again? Joyce. This is my lovely assistant. Lovely assistant Joyce. That's your assistant both at the juggling or magic or everything. It's a whole circus. Yes, it's a one-hour show we do together. Is there any chance you brought anything or can do anything? Of course I do. Wow. What are

we going to do tonight? Well, I mean, I could do some stuff. But, you know, if you get us up on that big stage in New York, you know, we could do a lot more. Of course. But how about now? How about tonight? Why don't you pull it up here? I could do something.

What do you want to put up there? I got Diablo. You know Diablo? No. We don't? Oh, you don't know Diablo. Oh. Well, in that case, I could do some hat tricks or something. Okay, yeah, do a hat trick.

No, do something. Anybody want to see him do a trick with his hat? This is Hat Tricks, live on Kill Tony, D.C., Late Show. Wow. All right. He threw the hat on his head. That was actually pretty smooth. Not as easy as it looks. Whoa. A little twist. Whoa. All right. Yeah. It's a tough. Oh, wow. Look at that. He can't get the hat on his head.

Whoa. What the fuck was that? That was really cool. Whoa. It was in his mouth. I love it. Justin Wood Circus. I didn't say they were good. I didn't say they were good. I love that one that flew up.

That was sweet. Let's check in with Spencer. Is this what smoking pot is like? Yes. Yes, it is. Wow. That's so fun. Anything else crazy happen in your life, Justin, since the last time we saw you? Oh, man.

Where to begin? Oh, man. Well, I put your pin on this little dangly thing in my car. I still need to get you to put a mustache on it. Mustache. It doesn't look right. No, I put your pin on this little dangly thing in my car. I still need to get you to put a mustache on it. It doesn't look right. No, I know. We'll get a thick black magic marker and throw it on there. A pencil. A thin pencil. There you go. A thin pencil.

Sure. There you go. There's one lady that choked on food during that one. But that's so fun, man. Always a pleasure to have you on the show. It's always great to be here, man. I love it. You're a fucking icon in the history of the show.

Go back and watch his appearances in Poughkeepsie, and especially at the Gramercy Theater. This guy is a world-class juggler. He's from New York City, and you made the trip here today, huh? Hey, thank you. I love it. We love you, man. Thank you so much.

We love fans like you that follow it around and get lucky. You sign up. You have good karma. I think you've been pulled out of the bucket almost every show you've been to, right? No, I went to a couple. But you keep mentioning me every time I walk by and you make fun of me. That was the first couple times. Like in Swansea.

That was a crazy one. That's right. I remember that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was fun. There you go. Justin Wood Circus Instagram Justin Wood Circus

All one word What do you guys think? One more time to the bucket? That's a lot of names in that bucket There are a lot of names in that bucket, man. There are a lot of names. If it was up to me, we'd stay here all night pulling names out of this bucket. But unfortunately, this has to be it no matter what happens. I pulled it out. Hearts over the eyes.

Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Brittany Danielle. Brittany Danielle. Here we go. Oh, boy. Wow. From right next to JP. Why am I nervous about this? I'm frightened.

My friend, I would understand. I would understand. Here she is, Brittany Danielle. Hi. So I was raised by a crack whore. She still sucks dick for money, but she doesn't so much dabble in the crack anymore. She's just kind of like a super cute little old grandma now,

and she's super good with my kids, you guys. She's so good, y'all. I only caught her doing a bump off the baby soft spot one time, but, like, what mom hasn't done a little baby bump, you know? I only caught her doing a bump off the baby soft spot one time but like what mom hasn't done a little baby bump you know I recently had a recovered memory from when I was probably like 12

of my mom's friends screaming at her like you're just a whore all you'll ever be is a whore and my mom responded by saying at least I'm smart enough to get paid honey you're just a slut burn right responded by saying, at least I'm smart enough to get paid, honey. You're just a slut. Burn, right? And that's when I realized why my mom always treats me like I'm dumb.

But, joke's on her, because I get paid in the validation that she never gave to me. Thanks! Brittany Danielle. That was great. Let's talk about it. I didn't catch the last thing you said. You get paid in what that she could never what? The validation she never gave me.

Oh. All right. How long have you been trying stand-up? First time. There you go. Great. I can tell. That's beautiful. Congratulations to you. You have a great stage presence. First time. Great you go. Great. I could tell. That's beautiful. Congratulations to you. You have a great stage presence. First time.

Great delivery. Very calm. I'm shaking super bad. This is really scary. Yeah. No, it is. For sure. But you handled it well.

I also don't know how to take this out of here. I was trying to. Act like it's. Never mind. Just pull on it. Pull on it. Pull it. Be careful.

There you go. Okay. Okay. That's better. It's got to pull. Sorry. I feel like I was's better. That was so hot. Uh-oh. Spencer's got a little fucking bony in his pants over there.

Yeah, my soft spot just turned into a hard spot. Oh, God. Wow. I love that. So that's all true, huh? Your mom was a prostitute? Yes, a crack whore. And she was a madam for a while,

and then things went a little south because of the crack. And then what do you do? I'm a mom, and I work for a school bus company. Oh, that's so cool. I know. What? Oh, no. Please don't.

I don't understand. Why would you boo that, Kyle? I don't know, dude. I'm only 17, dude. Oh, okay. Let's check in with Spencer. Yeah, we know about your mom, but who is your daddy and what does it do? It's a blockbuster.

It's an old movie. So do you make a lot of roses? I want to know about her dad. Make a lot of roses? He's just a guy. How about this? Who's this guy right here? Is this the baby daddy?

Oh, just a friend? No, no, no, no. Oh, okay. Sorry, dude. Why do you say it like that? Oh, I'm married. Oh, you're married. So you're still with the baby daddy.

Separated. Separated, but married to someone else. Yes. Right, but not him. No. Even though this guy looks like he wants to fuck. You know what I'm saying? For you audio listeners, he's this huge black guy wearing no shirt.

Wow, look at that. He loved that compliment. He's a Mexican guy, but he's a good looking guy. He's got the beard chiseled, wearing the short sleeve fucking fleece tonight. What's the story with this guy? Who's this friend of yours? Oh, he's just a friend. Yeah, I don't know if I'm buying that for a second.

I don't know. How do you know him? Just through friends. Pretty woman walking down the street. Oh, no, I never joined the family business. pretty woman walking down the street oh no I never joined the family business

no hey look at that it's a quick reference is your mom still working and what's her number whoa she is really

but yeah I don't know if she's doing like the pimping or the hooking anymore it's kind of like don't ask don't tell there you go

situation heck yeah so what do you do for fun you seem like a girl that has cool hobbies right or the hooking anymore. It's kind of like don't ask, don't tell. There you go. Situation. Heck yeah. So what do you do for fun? You seem like a girl that has cool hobbies, right? I don't know. I like to drink. Yeah?

Yeah. What's your drink of choice? Natty Light. Well, I like nice beers, but I will also like shotgun a shitty beer. Wow. Look at you.

You're a little fucking party machine. Is there a dark side to you, you think? Do you think that any of the sexually active genetics of your mother carry on through you in any way? Maybe. So that's a yes. A little bit. Wait, is that your friend that just said yes? Was that you?

No. No. All right. Trying to figure out what it takes. What came first, the marriage or the kids? Good question. Well, I was pregnant during the marriage. Okay, that's what I thought.

Yeah. Health insurance, you know. How many kids do you have? I have two. All right. How old are they? Seven and four. Seven and four. Seven and four.

Heck yeah. Gross. Thank you, JP. Oh, sorry. Man, no other hobbies or anything like that? Any fun facts about you that you think we should know about? What about your dad? What was your dad's situation in your life?

Oh, he was around sometimes. He's around now. He's cool. He's around now. What's wrong, Spencer? I asked that question five minutes ago and everybody ignored me. I answered. Because you're so young.

You don't have those alpha energies. No one really noticed yet. It'll come to you, Spencer. I wrote off as a joke. I was like, who's your daddy? What does he do? That was my question. And then you guys were like,

very dumb. We didn't say that. We insinuated that. That's two different things. So your dad is okay with your mom hooking and stuff like that? No, they're not together. Yeah, but did she do it when they

were together? Oh no, that happened like she like left him and then told me like a week later like this is what I'm doing. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Good Lord, that's wild. Is your mom a squirter? Oh my God. Brian Redband.

Let's all do it at the same time. Ready? One, two, three. Trash Can. You're out of control. Thanks, man. Do you know how excited that guy was to remove the tape off his mouth

so he could yell Trash Can and then put it back on? He really did. I love that. I'll tell you what. I just don't think we can end an episode this way. But how about one more time for Brittany Danielle? I think we got to figure something out here. I think we got to do something.

You know what we haven't done tonight? Is there anybody out in the audience that signed up for the bucket that has a minute that they want to do that happens to know how to play the drums? Is there anybody that signed up? Like real drums, not just like I know how to fuck around

with it. Yeah, you can't just say you know how to play drums. You really signed up? What's your name? Mike, how long have you played the drums for? What's your name? Mike, how long have you played the drums for? What's your full name again? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you your final comedian of the night. Live from Washington, D.C.

He goes by the name of Mike Angle, everybody. Here we go. A brand new minute from Mike Angle. a brand new minute from Mike Angle. I dated this lady.

I know, amazing, right? I dated a lady who had a thigh portrait tattoo of a celebrity face. Jeff Goldblum. That's right. Jeffrey Goldblum from the movie The Fly, Independence Day, Jurassic Park, Jurassic Park 2, The Lost World, colon, the sequel, The Coming of Christ. You guys know Jeffrey Goldblum, okay? You know him. You love him. You love them.

It did make sex difficult. I had to be in a hunched over kisses technique. I could not be in a power splay. If I did, there was Jeffy G's face staring at my face. And I was afraid that tattoo would become sentient one day, and he would say his classic line from the motion picture Jurassic Park. There it is. The punchline.

I'm pulling out. Mike Hangle. Very interesting attempt at stand-up. This is your first time trying stand-up comedy? Oh, no. I've been doing it five years. You've been doing it for five years and you went with the Jeff Goldblum? Yeah.

Jurassic Park inspired me. Oh, okay. Wow. I don't want any part of this. I love it, man. I love it. So you've been doing comedy five years. You're fully qualified just in case you're the first ever person to win a Mexican drum off. You're fully qualified to in case you're the first ever person to win a Mexican drum off. You're fully qualified to take over as a full time drummer.

Absolutely. I'm in a punk rock band called the Alex Jonestown Massacre. Wow. How many of you guys want to see this guy play the drums right now? Alright. Here we go. You guys know the deal. It's a drum solo competition where

using the stage and putting on a performance counts in the audience's favor they decide who wins the Mexican drum off live here in Washington D.C. so I remind you it's about comedy it's about drums it's about fucking rock and roll

I will warn you even though there's a lot on the line you could become the new drummer on Kill Tony I will warn you Joel Berg Joel there's a lot on the line, you could become the new drummer on Kill Tony. I will warn you, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, takes every challenge very seriously, and he is all-time undefeated at this. Are you willing to put on a challenge here? Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Angle, Mexican drum-off, live from Washington, D.C.

You know what? You know what? This is Washington, D.C. This is an American drum off. That was beautiful. Oh, shit. Wowie, yowie, wowie. It is scary in this room right now. There is a slight chance that for perhaps the first time ever,

we have a real fucking challenge. Now, I will say this, is that, and you know, Mike, maybe stand behind Jeremiah against that wall right there. No, no, no, no, not there. Against the wall, right there. Right there, yeah, just stay there. Now, there is a lot on the line here, guys. This is a really big deal.

Clearly, this just turned into something very special. We've seen a lot of Mexican drum-offs. I don't think I've ever seen quite an explosion on the drums as to what we just witnessed from a challenger before. However, I'll tell you this, is that this green room at this venue is basically non-existent. I know for a fact that Joel is right

on the other side of that wall with an opening on this side, listening, soaking in the energy. His heart's probably fluttering at the sound of a holy shit chant being started by the audience going on before him. This is his wheelhouse.

He takes these challenges very seriously. And no better way to end an episode, our final DC Kill Tony here tonight with a Mexican drum off featuring the undefeated all time star of the drums on Kill Tony, the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.

Whoa, what is that? Whoa, he's huffing paint. He's huffing paint. Oh, my God, he huffs them. Whoa! Oh, it's fishing out. It's sucking the purple dildo. It's the purple dildo. I taught him that.

We all know what the real fucking Washington Monument is right here baby Joel is behind the drums he's got the purple dildo on his waist he throws the white dildo into the audience oh I got through ladies and gentlemen defending his throne and it's a

big challenge the one and only Joel Berg Joel Jimenez. Thank you. The middle finger. Oh, he's still got it. He's still going. What's he doing? Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! He's revealed the underwear. I will never get over what his ass looks like. Oh! Wow! Wow! Ladies and gentlemen, the place is in absolute chaos. The trademark... Oh!

He's chugging somebody's drink. This is incredible. The trademark flat ass is out of Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. This is incredible. This is a down to the wire. This is UFC. This is World Series. This is Super Bowl we're talking.

This is by far the greatest Mexican drum off we've ever had on this show. Now, the question is how many of you live from D.C. in this Mexican drum

off have... Mike, come on up here. How many of you have Mike Engel winning this thing? Thank you. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. All right. Okay. Okay. Relax. How many of you have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez winning this? There you go. And still the drummer for Kill Tony.

No doubt about it. He's on his chance. Whoa, he's breakdancing. He's celebrating with a breakdance. Oh, and the suck it. How about one more time for Mike Angle, everybody? There you go. Mike Angle. A lot of

fun tonight. How about one more time for the great Jeremiah Watkins over there. Spencer, everybody. Jeremiah's got a lot going on. He's headlining Huntington Beach, St. Louis, Chicago, Kansas City, San Diego, Rosemont, a bunch of fun things. JeremiahWatkins.com.

He's at Jeremiah's stand-up on social media. He's got Jeremiah Wonders. The new Roadcast episode is up right now. Anything else, Jeremiah? YouTube.com slash Jeremiah. Yeah, okay. All right, sure. I love you guys.

Thank you. How about, and still, the Kill Tony drummer, Joel Bird, Joel Jimenez, huh? Wow. I think we all found out tonight how he is one of the official Ludwig artists. He is on social media at Mostly Sorry. It's his first night ever in Washington, D.C., and that's how he closed it out.

Joel, anything else you want to tell these people? Yeah, I just want you guys to know I fucking would kill myself for you guys. This is, you know, on stage, I'm so glad to do this for you guys. This is a great night. Well, there you go. Well, there you go. Well, there you go. What did we learn tonight? Is that next time, cheer for the other guy and watch Joel kill himself.

Yeah, you got it. We are going to be here all weekend, guys. If you guys find any free time or want to tell your friends, there's still tickets available. There's two shows tomorrow night, two shows Saturday night. We're doing stand-up comedy, long comedy sets from me, guest spots from all these guys, and so much

fun stuff happening. We're also taking Kill Tony to Columbus, Pittsburgh, Cleveland. Big announcements coming around in the next week or two for new 2020 Kill Tony tour dates. And that's right, for all you pro wrestling fans, November 23rd, Storkade for the first time ever

live from the Comedy Store Wrestling Ring in the main room of the Comedy Store. Gigantic pro wrestling event. It's going to be insane. And Ryan J. Ebelt has made custom DC posters that we're going to be signing and shaking hands and taking pictures with anybody who wants one right after the show. There's also the new

Kill Tony pin. And by the way, guys, I just relaunched Death Squad Studio. So got a new William Montgomery and David Lucas podcast, a Brian Holtzman podcast. Death Squad Chronicles is coming back. So go to Death Squad TV and check

them all out. Thanks a lot, guys. Epstein didn't kill himself. There you go. We'll see you this weekend. Good night. ស្រូវានប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប� Thank you..