KILL TONY - KILL TONY #414

Episode Date: November 15, 2019

Shane Gillis, Big Jay Oakerson, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 11/10/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping! Promo code searching! It takes skill! Speed! Sweat! Unless we're talking Kudo's new phone, internet, and streaming bundle. With the Happy Stack, you can sit back and stack up the savings on Kudo Internet,

a sweet phone plan, Netflix, Disney Plus, and Amazon Prime. All starting at just $99 a month. Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack. All starting at just $99 a month. Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack. Only at CUDO. Conditions apply. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling. Winning.

Which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling. Winning. In an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19-plus and physically located in Ontario.

Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv. There you and you are listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the show. And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live. December 12th, we'll be in Columbus, Ohio at the Newport Music Hall.

December 14th, we'll be in Pittsburgh at the Rex Theater. December 15th, we'll be in Cleveland at the House of Blues. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. ShopSquad.tv, that's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. There you have the new Kill Tony shirt. You also have some hats,

some Death Squad shirts, and a bunch of stuff. That's ShopSquad.tv. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have his own stand-up comedy tour dates, some merchandise. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com.

And last but not least, Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist. He has a new Kill Tony book. It's on Amazon or RyanJEbelt.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from New York City. The Gramercy Theater for our brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchclap. New York City, you ready to do this?

Make some fucking noise. Hey, everybody. Look, the great Brian Redman is here. Yeah. We are back in beautiful New York City for our third show this year at the Gramercy Theater. Fuck yeah.

What a fun venue and a fun place to be. We always have fun here. Shit's been crazy lately. We head back home tomorrow and do another episode in LA because the fun never ends. You guys been working hard too?

It's a good working class crowd we always have here at Kill Tony. It's always fun. The traveling never ends. The fun continues. Kill Tony goes to Columbus, Pittsburgh, and Cleveland in the dead center of December. We're going to be there doing some of our favorite venues in our home state of Ohio. Heck yeah, that's going to be exciting. For you pro wrestling fans that might be listening to the show, we're doing a big crazy pro wrestling event for the first time ever at the world famous comedy

store November 23rd called Storkade. That's my wrestling podcast, The Store Horseman. Jeremiah's headlining Huntington Beach, St. Louis, Kansas City, Chicago, and San Diego. Go to Jeremiah Watkins for tickets for those things. But let's talk about tonight, shall we? Here we are, live. We just got in from having an amazing weekend in beautiful Washington, D.C., and we just took the nice train ride here today, got some rest, and we're ready for this. It's been a cold, beautiful day here in New York City. Cold, beautiful day. Cold, beautiful day. CBD. Hey, Infinite CBD.

Let's take a moment to plug our favorite sponsor. We love working with Infinite CBD because they offer the cleanest, healthiest, and purest forms of CBD available. Hemp grown organically in Colorado using pure CBD isolate testing at over 99% CBD. If you still haven't tried CBD, research has shown CBD to help with a variety of different ailments. Ailments. Including insomnia, anxiety, and depression, and more. This month, we are highlighting the gummies. They got some new flavors, and these gummies are great for calming down

when things are stressful or right before bed to help with insomnia. We got some flavors like sour grapes, sour peach, sour watermelon, sour blue raspberry, sour strawberry, and a seasonal apple pie made with real apple cider. Yes. Go to InfiniteCBD.com, and if you use promo code TONY15, you get 15% off. That's InfiniteCBD.com. Use the code TONY15, and you get 15% off.

Wow. All right. Hell yeah. We're already in it, in the zone. Should we start the show, guys? All right. You know, normally we don't have any guests on the road episodes of Kill Tony, but I don't know, New York's a pretty special place, right?

New York likes special things. So we decided to have two guests on tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you sitting in with us all night, how about you make some noise for Shane Gillis and Big Jay Oakerson. What the fuck?

Hello? Big Jay, one of the record-holding guests on the show for all time appearances and it's the return of Shane Gillis on Kill Tony that's right

we could have had some fucking old famous hacks up here that are still caring about their careers that they might still be able to have. But no, all stops are off tonight. Big Jay Oakerson and Shane Gillis are here to lose more jobs live.

Hell yeah. Welcome. Sorry. Sorry. Thank you. Sorry. Sorry. Thank you.

Sorry. Thank you, I'm sorry. I love it. Welcome, welcome. Shane Gillis has a lot of fun stuff going on. Check it out at shanemgillis.com, including Matt and Shane's secret podcast. The great Big Jay Oakerson is here next weekend in Nashville from Zany's Comedy Club, Syracuse,

Funny Bone. Go to bigjaycomedy.com for tickets and of course check out our sister from another blister, the East Coast homies the Legion of Skanks. Oh yeah. If Lewis was here he would have staged Dove but

I won't. So I'm excited you guys are here. You guys have both done this show before, and let's just jump right into it. Ladies and gentlemen, there is a band on this show. Everybody seems to love the band. Every single episode, they commit to doing different characters. I never know what they're going to be. Nice, giant, spread-out green room downstairs. They had time to get characters. I never know what they're going to be. Nice, giant, spread out

green room downstairs. They had time to get ready in their own separate room. Sometimes it's a brand new character we've never seen before. Sometimes it's the return of some of their more famous characters that they've done on another episode. Let's all find out what they are here tonight. Make some noise for the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony band.

Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg Joel Jimenez. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Lights are flashing. What is happening? Oh! Oh my goodness. Here they are. KKR, the return of the newscasters, ladies and gentlemen. This is exciting. Some of the more famous characters of all time. They've never been to a New York episode of Kill Tony. And they are here now.

This is exciting stuff. Remind me of your name, lead newscaster. Your lead news anchor, Chet Lightning, here in New York City, live on the scene here tonight. Chet Lightning. Okay, I'm writing that down. And then who's this beautiful little Mexican vampire sitting behind you? Tony, I'm your weatherman.

My name is Wetbacks. Wow, Wetbacks. Alright. The crowd goes wild. I've never heard of anyone with a first name Wet before. But I guess that's a thing now.

Chet has what appears to be a real newsman's earpiece in his ear. Totally legit. Either that or he looks like a hungover member of the Secret Service. This is exciting. Well, we have newscasters. We have Shane. We have Big J. We have the

soundboard, which brings me to this, ladies and gentlemen, New York's very own fucking bucket of destiny. Looks a lot like ice buckets found on 60% of the road episodes of the show, but it's special for you here. Oh, actually, yeah, we did have a bucket that Justin Serkis would, St. Wood or whatever.

And we left a bucket down in the basement, guys. That's the difference between a podcast and a real show. You know what I mean? This just in, host of live podcast has a stroke on the air. Yes, I had a stroke. You really went low on? This just in. Host of live podcast has a stroke on the air. Yes, I had a stroke. You really went low on that for a while. I went, ah, shit. So yeah, if I pull your name out of the bucket,

you get to come up here. The staircase is right there. There's only one staircase. You got to go that way. And then you walk across the stage. And you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time's up, and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up. Then we're going to bring out the angry Chelsea

bear. It's incredible how loud it can get. You guys ready to have some fun? You ready to start this fucking show? Anything goes. Anything can happen. It's Kill Tony Live. We've had a lot of wild moments in this venue before.

So let's see how the party is going to get started tonight. Make some noise for Louis Daraville, everybody. Louis Daraville. Hey, here he comes. Here we go. It has begun. Make some noise for Louis Daraville. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yo, they're knocking a lot of motherfuckers out for chicken. I don't know if you guys noticed this shit. Anybody notice that there's a strange correlation between chicken and the military? You got Colonel Sanders. You got General Soles. Bitch wasn't Popeye from the Navy. In New York, they even got a place called Kennedy Fried Chicken.

It's a Kentucky Fried Conspiracy. All this shit we got with Russia is just so Putin can get into the chicken game. World War III is going to be called the Battle of Boston Market or some shit like that. I'll tell you what. Speaking of Russia, I didn't even know what collusion was my boy was like, hey yo Lou what's collusion? I looked him dead in the eyes, I was like that's that Will Smith movie about head injuries

yo that's my time thank you very much heck yeah 56 seconds from Louis Garabelle welcome to the show Louis how you doing man? Heck yeah. 56 seconds from Louis Garabelle. Welcome to the show, Louis. How you doing, man? I'm good.

I loved your military chicken jokes. That was some incredible stuff. Thank you very much. Popeye was a sailor, man. So welcome, welcome. Thank you. You're an imposing force. I can't tell. I can't tell what's happening here.

You're buff, but there's a female cartoon character on your shirt. I want to like him. I feel like I pretended that's an airbrushed picture of his cousin who died in a car accident in high school. Rest in peace, Kiki. The car wash is next week. We are raising funds for a young man who...

I actually wore this shirt because I was on your show in Philly, and I made this shirt. And I always try to advertise it, and I was like, man, I got up, thousands of people saw me, and I didn't have my shit on. Wait, you made that for sale? Yeah. How's that going?

This just in. Sales are plummeting at the moment. You have a lot of different designs of shirts that you make or is it just one? How many cousins have you lost? I've got a couple, but I don't think it gets enough exposure. Hell yeah.

You have great style, man. I love the red font, Make America Great Again hat. That's always good. Just blend right in. Yeah, hell yeah. Thanks. So people don't get mad at you.

What's good? You had two great fights at the UFC this past weekend in Madison Square Garden. Two different ones. Heck yeah. Lewis, so you've been on this show before. How did your last appearance go? Remind me. I didn't know about the show. My boy was like, yo, come to the show. You're a comedian.

They might call you up. I'm like, fuck it. Just like today, I was the first one called at the last show. Wow, look at that. Heck yeah. There you go. A heartwarming story of triumph and defeat. Heck yeah.

That's how you get a show started with, that's how diversity works, you know what I mean? The luck of a bucket. That's all that it is. That's all it takes for fairness in the game. So, remind me, Lewis, what do you do for work? I work for a German insurance company. Why does it have to be a German insurance company?

They were who was hiring at the time. And both you don't trust Jews with money. I came with a Jew. I love it. Oh, wait, no. What? It's New York, dude. It's New York.

I brought one of my cool Jewish comedian friends here. Yeah? Where is he? Get him out of here. Show your face. How long have you been doing comedy for? About three years and some change. Three years.

That's good. Come up first both times. That's a rough spot, dude. Hell yeah. It's a hard spot, especially with that shirt on. How long have you been making shirts for? It's something to just put money in my pocket. How much money?

You couldn't have sold more than two. You couldn't have. You gotta tell the truth. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 50 bucks is 50 bucks, man. I love it. What do you do for fun? What would we be surprised to know about you, Lewis?

Let's see here. Any fun facts about you? I've run a full marathon. Twice. Really? Were the cops about you? I've run a full marathon. Twice. Really? Were the cops chasing you? Sorry, that was... Only for 23 miles, but then he was like, fuck it. I'm almost there now. Might as well get a medal.

Might as well finish. After tonight's show, he will be selling a Tony Hinchcliffe in memoriam shirt outside. That's fun. Can I make you a shirt? Hell yeah, you can make it. I'll probably never wear it, but you can definitely make it. No.

Yeah, absolutely, man. Thank you. If you make a shirt, I'll wear it. And then I'll wear it during one of the shows. And I'll say, if you're wondering why I'm wearing this shirt, it's because Louis Daraville from episodes Philly and Third New York City. Do you print the shirts also or do you just have somebody else do them? Because that's actually a really hard shirt to make because it's printed on the whole thing.

Yeah, Ray John. That's the website I use. I give them my design on my Instagram site. I show the whole process from beginning to end, and it's one minute. Did you draw that lady? Yeah. Did you think she's pretty?

Absolutely. Did you jerk off to that? No. But would you if she was getting fucked by a tentacle monster? Yeah. Nah. Is that part of the process on the Instagram video? You draw it and it's like...

Lewis, I'm going to ask you a question I've never asked a guest in the history of this show. I'm excited to ask you. I think you're the one I want to break it for you. What do you bench? Do you think Jeffrey Epstein killed himself? Not at all.

Really? What do you think happened there? I think he got killed. He made too many enemies. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who do you think killed him?

This just in. No shit. You think it was just one? On a job like that, do you think they send in one guy or is it like a team? How do you think that goes down if you had to picture it? No, you don't ask. Yeah, what's prison like? Yeah, you don't...

You don't ask questions in situations like that. He was a dirty guy. He got what he deserved. You know what? I like your style, Lewis. Right, but like, do you stay Muslim after prison? Have you ever been to prison? No.

Yeah, there was a long... You closed your eyes for like six seconds there. prison? Have you ever been to prison? No. Okay. You closed your eyes for like six seconds there. Come on, man. You don't start drawing those women unless you're in prison. That's a cell block drawing. But I got people who are there. That's life. Never, never not once, not even for a night?

To visit people. Life. This is people. Life. This is life. I love it, Lewis. Well, you have great bucket luck. You started off both shows that you've been to. Can I add one thing? You going to plug something else?

Yeah. Yo, we got mad comedians that I know from the New Jersey, New York, Philly area. And we've been on the show. I know like four at least are here. And we'd like to do a Kill Tony comedian comedy show if we can. What are you asking me right now? If you guys can do a version of my uber successful show? Would you sponsor a comedy show for the comedians that want to follow comedy and come up on stage?

Are you fucking kidding me, dude? Nah. If you don't ask, you don't get. And sometimes if you ask, you don't get it, too. This is one of those amazing times where it's a perfect version of Big J. What do you think about what just happened here? That was crazy. I do want to see what the other ones look like to see if they sent their biggest and blackest and scariest stuff to ask the question.

The Jewish kid was definitely not going to ask. Did the Jew put you up to this? I'm just saying. Was the Jew behind this? He goes up. He'll ask the questions. He'll make some moves. He'll be intimidating. He's got the chest and the shirt and the hat.

And you're being in your boop boop. Got the cartoon shirt. It's tough to deny the cartoon shirt. Let's check in with Chat Lightning. Yeah, very curious. What would you call your version of this show? My version? Yeah, what would you call it?

The spinoff that I would let you do of this show. Kill Tony Presents. Kill Tony Presents what? Because if that's the name of the show, that's like fucking, like, if I were you, I'd just be like, Kill Tony Presents. Well, I'm going to see Kill Tony, but it was just some fucking, uh,

I was just watching a floating cartoon shirt. New talent. Kill Tony presents the new talent. Look, I like your style, too. That's the show that you're on right now, bro. The show that you're on is the one that you want to do. Kill Tony presents.

Yeah, you get on every time. And you're like, I need more than this. This isn't good enough for me. You're trying to do the new show, Bully Tony, and it's not going to work here. My bad, my bad, bro. It's okay. It's all love, bro. No, I love it.

Flattery is the biggest compliment or some old school shit like that. How about one more time for the great Louis Daraville, everybody? Getting it started. I do like that he asked. That's funny. I love that he asked, and I love that he asked On the show So that you could all see What that looks like He's on social media At H H Shun

S H U N Heck yeah I can see you rocking That shirt Tony That would be a good look on you If I wear it It's gonna be a big woman Yeah I don't know

I don't know what I would wear that shirt to. I do like dressing weird sometimes during the daytime. If I have to just run a weird errand or something like that. Boy, oh boy. I just can't picture being able to rock that one. I'd probably get butt raped.

I live near the West Hollywood area with the rest of me in that shirt. People are just going to be like, yeah, I took my fucking, whatever that AIDS antibiotic that guy was talking about a few weeks ago. It was a comedian that was on the talk. Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Pull the name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Matthew Schechter. Matthew Schechter. Here we go. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? One more time for Matthew Schechter, everybody.

Thank you. The most interesting thing about me is that I was an intern for the Southampton Press, which meant that I bumped into people. And I was working there one day, and my editor said, go outside because Don Hewitt wants to talk to someone and for those of you who don't know he's the creator of 60 Minutes the most successful show in all broadcast history and uh no one wanted to talk to him and I was like wow okay yeah sure I'll talk to him I go out and he's like well normally I talk to the publisher but uh

okay and I was like well what is it Mr. Don Hew? And he said, well, there's a car that got broken into, and I think I might have a lead. And I thought, wow, this guy organized interviews with Saddam Hussein, and now he's on the case of the car that's broken into. So for me, it was amazing, and for him, it was humiliating to talk to an 18-year-old. Yeah, okay.

Matthew Schechter. Yes, sir. Welcome to the show. Thank you. Really, really can't get much less laughs than that. If you're wondering, there's barely anything you can do. Let's check in with Chet Lightning. Breaking news,

good-looking men still not good at comedy. Yeah, snagged it. I was going to say, too handsome from the get-go. Yeah, there's something very Hugh Jackman-y about you. Yeah, but don't let the good looks, don't let that after this, when you get home, be like, oh, it's because I Hugh Jackman-y about you. Yeah, but don't let the good looks, don't let that, after this, when you get home,

be like, oh, it's because I'm too good looking. Yeah. It was because there was nothing funny. Specifically not funny. Yeah. But rest on the fact that you are good looking. Thanks, man. But that did fall apart.

But right down to your nips, dude. High noon. Who'd you tell that story to that laughed? Some chick who thought he was good looking. Of course. There's Joel. He has begun and the chants have begun.

Joel Berg coming out guns a blazing. It was my mom, yeah. Oh yeah. She was ready to bone. And the story gets sadder. Yeah. Hell yeah. Wow.

So that really happened. What do you do in the press? Oh, it was an internship, but I got to meet some randomly very cool people, and now I work in a family business. Are you the Jewish dude that sent that black dude up here? It's a side hustle, yeah. Yeah, he's not

Hugh Jackman, he's Jew Hackman. There he goes. Come on, man. Come on, we're having fun. How often do you get to do a Jew Hackman show? So what's the family business that you work for now? You a cast member on the hit show Succession

on HBO? Yeah, we sell plants out of a greenhouse. business that you work for now? You a cast member on the hit show Succession on HBO? Yeah. We sell plants out of a greenhouse. Wow. You think this guy's in the mafia? Company business. Oh, I get it. Okay, that makes sense.

Since that was... Don't worry about it. Would you come all the way from Bensonhurst to be here tonight? Yeah, Woodside, yeah. Oh yeah, that didn't worry about it. Would you come all the way from Bensonhurst to be here tonight? Yeah, Woodside, yeah. Oh, yeah, that didn't work at all. All right. I got it, I got it. Dude, you're his Italian.

He goes, don't worry about it. Don't remember this. You come from a botany family? My dad just had a side hustle selling plants in the 70s on the street thing, and then it just grew and grew. Wait, that was like a homeless guy that gave out those fake flowers? Oh, that would be funnier. No, it's not.

He just sold plants. Like ferns? Yeah. But he would sell to the guy from American Gangster and all these random super rich people. Oh, there you go. There it is. Did they pay more for plants? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Wow. is. Did they pay more for plants? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Wow. Is your dad Italian? No, we're all Eastern European Jews. Eastern European. Oh, all right. Settle down, Matthew.

Sorry. All that energy that you didn't use during your 60 seconds is coming out right now. So get this. I was once doing a... Don Hewitt was there. Now if you don't know who Don Hewitt is, he's the original creator of 60 Minutes. If you don't know

what 60 Minutes is, I'm going to tell you what that is now. You really can't have pilot energy when you only have a minute of comedy. He's like, I'm going to run around the corner and she says to me, Don Hewitt. Nothing gets the kids going like 60 minutes.

Well, Don Hewitt reference. Here I was holding on to my Epstein question for months. And then this guy's just coming out guns a blazing with Don Hewitt. Super evergreen topic for such a botany guy. Now, when you said that your dad started a botany business and that it grew and grew and grew, is that a thing? Is that like one of your slogans or something? Or did you not even notice that you did it?

Because plants grow. You're accidentally funny. We've seen this before on this show. You've got to work out a pitch for this. It's like, my dad started a side business with plants, and then through love and water it grew into what it is today. You're right. Exactly. Have you ever thought about

writing any jokes in the botany field? I did. They weren't good. I never stopped you before. Do you remember any of your bad botany jokes? Can we hear one or two of your bad jokes? It's an untapped market.

Yeah. Did you put a plant in the audience tonight? Botany jokes, people. It's not hacky if you have to write it on the spot, you fucks. It's being a real sap, this guy. I seed what you did there. Guys, just leave him alone.

I mean... Wow. How about you? You have any fucking jokes? We're thinking of these right off the top of our fucking head. You come from a whole generations and generations of botany. Guys, we're getting off track. Let's get back to our roots.

Hey! We're getting off track. Let's get back to our roots. Tony, this guy died so bad up here, he's pushing up daisies. Hey! Hell yeah. So how about you?

My dick is the size of a tree trunk. Chet Lightning, I don't think you really get what's going on here Back to you in the studio Tony I got fired for racism White flower Oh white flower Breaking news Asian people like Shane Gillis again.

Hey, and here it is. This is it. Come on out. Lorne Michaels is here, ladies and gentlemen. It's Shane Gillis. Featuring the ghost of Shane Gillis. All right, all right, all right, Brian. Alright, alright, alright, Brian. No, I'm fine. I don't care.

So, how about you? This just in, the Gramercy just ran out of PBRs. No bonsai trees for Shane over here. Bamboo. My stand-up wasn't mulch, but I tried. Wow, that was the worst one out of all of them.

You had the most time to prepare. All right. No, that was good. My stand-up wasn't mulch. That was pretty good. Come on, man. Hey, there you go. My Santa wasn't mulched. That's pretty good. Come on, man. Hey, there you go. That's generous. Thank you.

That's the moment of this whole thing that you're going to want to remember tonight, right before you fall asleep, was the part in which he said that part was pretty good. Awesome. That was fun. Is this your first time on stage? Yes, sir.

There you go. In that case, it's not the worst thing in the world. If I found out you've been doing this for 20 years, I was going to kill myself for you, Matthew. Thanks, man. Good thing is you can always go home and smoke some grass to forget about it. Hey.

All right. Fuck. All right, Matthew. Well, way to get it going. We had fun with you. Your Instagram handle, that's true, way to get it going. We had fun with you. Your Instagram handle, that's true, plant.man. Yeah. Look at you.

You know what? One day I think you might not be as underground as you are right now. Thanks, man. There you go. Huge fan. Thank you so much. There you go. Huge fan.

Plant man. There he goes. Plant.man on Instagram. Plant.man. Huge fan. Plant man. There he goes. Plant.man on Instagram. Plant.man. That's the plant man. That's weird. Oh, now they have to sit back down? Yeah.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Yeah, pardon me. Yeah, it was a guy who just died up there. Sorry. Is this your jacket? Yeah, pardon me. Sorry. That nervous breakdown I just had? Sorry. Yeah, anyway. Sorry. Pardon me. Pardon there. Sorry. Is this your jacket? Yeah, part of me. Sorry. That nervous breakdown I just had? Sorry.

Yeah, anyway. Sorry. Part of me. Part of me. Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I've literally never thought of that part before. It's a nightmare, dude. That's the worst thing you do to these people. Buried in the middle. His poor friends have to lie to him. Like, no, it wasn't that bad, dude. They have to sit back down. That is so funny.

Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Matty Moe. This is exciting. I have a good feeling about this. Matty Moe's a good name. Here we go. Come on, everybody. One more time for Matty Moe.

So my girlfriend just recently did a study abroad program in Greece. And basically this means that she got to go on a very, very expensive vacation for about a month. And definitely didn't cheat on me while I was there. And while she was there, we would obviously talk about how much we missed each other and whatnot. So one day my mom comes into my apartment and she says, Chelsea really missed you. I'm sorry, she said, they're talking over here. She goes, I'm getting heckled by... My mom comes into my apartment and she gives me a big hug

and she says, Chelsea, really miss you tonight. This is bad. I always wondered what it would look like if Edward Norton and Eli Manning had a baby together. There you go, Matty Moth on a little Hail Mary there at the end of the fourth quarter. What an emotional rollercoaster. That was. That was.

Dude, my girlfriend studied abroad. She definitely didn't fucking cheat on me. You were doing good, Matty. You were doing so good. You had us all laughing back here. No one talked. No one talked. Do you know that the trauma of your girlfriend cheating on you has caused you to hear voices out of your left ear?

Yeah, apparently. You thought we were heckling you, and you kept turning around like, stop, guys. Come on. I'm trying to do this. One of them was aggressive. One of them turned around and kept turning around like stop guys. Come on. Yeah One of them was aggressive one of the turns like you fucking guys Goes oh you dicks I was right there. We were literally laughing harder than we've laughed at anybody all night during your set Did you got mad at us. I wasn't mad. I was just like, I don't know.

What did you hear us say? What words? I didn't hear anything specific, but I just thought I heard whispering. I don't know. I just blanked out. You just blamed it on us. I'm not blaming it on you.

Yeah, you did. It's okay. Let's figure out exactly what the fuck you wanted to say up here, Matty. So your girl studied abroad and she cheated on you, right? No. It was a very – what ended up being a long segue and I didn't get there. It's all good. Let's get there now. But she did cheat on you.

No. No, she didn't. Come on. She did. No, I said she definitely didn't cheat on me. But I probably didn't get it out right because I was so nervous. That's what I was getting at. I said because I feel like a lot of people who study abroad, they end up. Yeah, but I'm telling you she did cheat.

Yeah, she did do it. That was the joke. Yeah, all right. Good, good, good, good. That is the joke. I wanted to make sure you knew. Yes, of course. Yes, that was the joke.

That's why it was funny. I agree. It was funny. More than likely cheated. Yes. Are you still with her? Yeah, I'm engaged to her now. Really?

Is she here tonight? Yes. Really? Should we ask her face to face if she cheated on this guy? Can you bring her up here? What's her name? What's her name? I'll give her a proper introduction.

The funny... Oh, fuck yeah, she cheated, dude. Oh, yeah. The pressure's on. Are you kidding? She's got a serious look on her face, ladies and gentlemen. She said that she was covered in olive oil. She wasn't going to come up.

All right, where'd you go? Where'd you go to? Where in the world? First of all, what's your name? Chelsea. Chelsea, welcome, of course. So where did you go to study abroad? I went to Greece.

Oh, I bet you did. Yeah, I got greasy in Greece. I got chills, they're multiplying. And I'm loose. And some are loving. I fucked a Turk. and I fucked a Turk. You didn't even look at an uncircumcised dick to see where the fetish comes from?

He's just playing. All right, all right. We're going over it now. We're having a... All right, all right. We're going over it now. We're having a... All right, all right. Very good. There you go. So how long were you in Greece for?

I was there for a month. For an entire month. Can you hear the joke? No, I'm kidding. No, no. Totally good. We'll get back to you, Matty Moe. Just relax.

Matty, I gotta be honest. I would cheat on you. I don't like your attitude. We saw all your insecurities in the first 60 seconds of knowing you. Come on, give me a chance, guys. Have you guys had an actual fight about whether she cheated or not over there? No, not at all.

It's coming. Let me ask. Tonight, probably. Yeah, okay. Chet Lightning. Breaking news. Woman who visits Greece gets holes in jeans from giving so many blowjobs. Oh, that was it?

That was what that was for? My God. All right. So you were there for a month. Was there perhaps a day where, you know, for a month? Was there perhaps a day where one of those Greek dudes offered to take you

on a ride on the back of their Vespa or something like that? Anything suspicious that maybe wasn't cheating but you got romanticized a little bit? No. They were all relatively unattractive. Why? What do you want to say?

I studied in Athens. It's not really the nicest city. Oh, where Greek gods were from? Oh. Some fucking dude named Danny Big Fat Cockalus. The University of Mount Olympus. Professor Zeus asked me to stay after class. You know, all those schlubs in Athens where the statues are from.

Hercules was watching. I know he was. I wanted him too. So, like, there must have been some part where some guy was like, oh, you're so beautiful, welcome, something like that, right? They did that a lot? Come on. Someone shot a shot, no? No one took a shot? No.

No, I was with a lot of other students. A lot of friends. Oh, so you fucked another student. Oh. Oh, were they even British? If they were British, she fucked one of them. Are they British? No. What ethnicity were the students that you were with? From the same school. How old are you? No. What ethnicity were the students that you were with?

From the same school. How old are you? 21. 21, yeah. If you were older, you'd have been like, oh, yeah, I got hit on, but I said no. It sounds too crazy that nobody hit on you. So now we're worried you were in a gangbang.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Cut to a week from now, you're ordering a Mediterranean omelet and he just slams the table. I fucking knew it! Get your Kalamala ass over here. Get ready, bitch.

Did you notice anything different, perhaps, when she came home from the trip, perhaps in the bedroom or anything like that? Like, when she came home from the trip? Perhaps in the bedroom or anything like that? Like, when she came, was she like, this is Sparta! Or something like that? Did she have a belly rash from some guy's unibrow? No. How about you?

When she was gone, what were you doing? Huh? Look at you. How about this little guy right here? Oh, she's nodding. Yes, she wants to know. And guys, how the tables have turned. No, no, no.

Guys are allowed to cheat. Focus on the woman. So where were you when all this was going down? I was just at home. Yeah, where's home? We live upstate. We actually went to your Poughkeepsie shop. Uh-huh. So you live around there? Yeah. Like 25 minutes from here. Near all your ex-girlfriends

and everything like that, huh? Yeah. Were you worried about him while you were gone? No. You don't give a shit. What's the time difference from place to place? No. You don't give a shit. What's the time difference from place to place? Seven. That's good cheating time difference, dude.

That is great. You probably each got about four hours and no one's going to know what's going on. Were you guys doing the Skype? Did you jerk off on Skype? You didn't jerk off on Skype? No, I had roommates. Oh, I can't even Skype. Sorry I wasn't able to hit

you up last night, babe. You jerked off on Skype? It sucks, dude. I jerked off on Skype once. It's just your fat face in the screen and it turns red. Wait, why are you watching yourself? Well, your face is in the bubble. You have two choices. You can look

at the top of your own dick or your stupid face. There's two screens, right? You can see what the girl is doing. Would you rather look at the disgusted lady or your own face? Good point. I don't want to see disappointment.

All right, back to you in the studio. Sorry. So how long have you guys been engaged for? Like four months. Did you pop the question in a wild way? Did you do something silly or anything like that? Here's a ring. Don't fuck anybody in Greece.

We went on vacation to Nashville this summer. Oh, hell yeah. The old Poughkeepsie Panama. Just fucking sweet, sweet Nashville. Going to go somewhere tropical for the holidays. We went to Myrtle Beach last year. The San Tropez of upstate New York. What'd you say?

I just said we went to Myrtle Beach last year. Oh, good old Myrtle Beach. How could I forget the sweet old Poughkeepsie, Costa Rica. Myrtle Beach. You're too good to me, Matty Mo. Matty Mo. Matty Mo. Maybe next year we'll hit Orlando on a Groupon or something. As long as we're together.

Anyway, I'm going to go do a semester in Sicily. Did Myrtle Beach remind you of your time in Greece at all? Not even close Wow Don't make it sad, Chelsea What do you do for work, Matty Mo? What'd you say? What do you do for work? I am an oil burner technician

An oil what? Burner technician Burn oil. Oilers, furnaces. Chelsea was burning olive oil. Hey! I love it. Opa!

Well, fun times. It was so nice to meet the both of you. Thanks so much for coming up, Chelsea. Thank you. Very impressive. Very fun interview. Thank up, Chelsea. Thank you. Very impressive. Very fun interview. Thank you so much. There you go.

Matty Moe, good stuff, buddy. He's doing it. The good thing is if she did cheat on him, she probably used protection because that's where Trojans are from. Oh. I mean, I don't know. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Rob Callahan. Here we go. Rob Callahan. Everyone's right up in the front.

Everybody's right next to the stage tonight. This is beautiful. One more time for Rob, everybody. Thanks. Hey, guys. My name is Rob. I'm a dad. My daughter was born five days after my 19th birthday. I'll never forget when the doctor handed her to me

for the first time, and I was holding her in my arms, and she was so beautiful. She was so small. I couldn't believe how small she was. That's when I realized, I could eat a whole baby. I could. What's that, seven pounds, ten ounces? Can you imagine how tender it would be? It would be like veal.

I'm just kidding. She's fine. She's 14 years old. She's huge. It would be a feast at this point. She is 14. She has a friend who has special needs. Sure, give it up. She's got a friend. So because of this, she's part of the Best Buddies Challenge. And I'm from Boston. So sorry, guys. But because of it, she got to throw a football back and forth with Tom Brady. I was like, wow, that's amazing. I wish my daughter was retarded. Thanks.

Hell yeah. It's a good set, Rob Cowley. Hey, thanks. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? This is my first time in six years. Wow, you took a six-year break. Look at that. Look who's back.

You took this break because of the kid? No, not really. She's 14. Oh, she's 14. Just getting hot. She's going to Greece next summer. Yeah. So she's 14 now.

And what do you do for work? I do records for the EPA, so I'm doing paperwork all the time. EPA, things are going really good over there, right? Yeah, awesome. So how'd you end up having a baby? I didn't use a condom. It's like wearing a raincoat on a condom. And then what? It's like wearing a raincoat on a sunny day.

I guess so, especially if you come inside of whatever you're fucking. Did you know you were blasting deep or you think you pulled it out? Probably. Did you put it back in right after coming? I don't know. I'm kind of worried my daughter's going to see this somehow. Somebody's going to be like. Here's what I think.

Well, she knows you came in your chick, dude. She's here. She is going to see it someday for sure. So what do you think happened? My guess is this. Because I look at your face. You know what I see? Especially at 19. We're talking 14 years ago.

A premature ejaculator. You popped early. Didn't want to admit it. Popped early, but you had the momentum. You just kept plowing away and then you fake came a few minutes after that when your dick started to hurt. Am I close to right about this?

Yeah, soft noodle for the second half. Which reminds me, you can go to forhims.com and use the promo code KELTONY. Actually, that's not in our docket right now. That's a free one. No, exactly. So, wow.

Is that the only kid you have? Yeah, yeah, definitely. I'm married. To the baby mama? No, no. That was like way back in high school. To the 14-year-old. Oh, wow. To her special-year-old. Oh, wow.

To her special needs friend. Yeah. Heck yeah. Special Olympics in Boston must be very confusing because everybody there kind of... Run, you fucking cocksucker. I look like him, too, by the way. Matt McCusker, shout out Matt McCusker,

has an idea for a website called Irish or Retarded. I'm sorry, I'm saying they are difficult to differentiate. Sorry, I'm taking up too much time here. No, I completely agree with you. You may recognize Shane from the Boston March of Dimes pamphlet. So, Rob, you've lived in Boston your whole life? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, what do you do for fun?

You have any fun hobbies? Eat cream pies. Hey, when you're not cream pie-ing or taking six-year breaks from stand-up, what else are you into? In my part-time job, I work for Social Boston Sports, so since 2013, I've hosted Cornhole. I'm a Cornhole referee you're a cornhole

referee yeah yeah my god it's not what it sounds like i judge dudes butt fucking each other how long have you been reffing cornhole for? Since 2006 years. Hey. Wow. Is that what made you stop stand-up comedy? You got too deep into reffing cornhole? Yeah, what do you reff? Like, if there's blood, you stop it? I did see a fight one time. People got mad at it. They tackled each other. They were drunk, but, you know.

Did they always get drunk for professional cornhole? Yeah, there's a lot of beer drinking and stuff, but, you know, it's kind of like the after-work crowd, so it doesn't get too wild. Do the reffs drink during cornhole? Yeah, there's a lot of beer drinking and stuff. But, you know, it's kind of like the after work crowd, so it doesn't get too wild. Do the refs drink during cornhole? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes I get like a bar tab, like a staff tab, so I get to drink some Jack and Cokes and not pay for it. It's nice. Wow.

Do you have to be sanctioned by the state or something for that? No, I just like I'm a contractor, I guess, technically, for the company. And, yeah, they pay me to go. And it's more like organizing, like making sure everybody knows what team they're on, who they're facing, and what board they play on, and what time the schedule points and stuff like that. Man, your daughter must be proud. Yeah.

So the six-year break, what do you attribute that to? I don't know. It was kind of stressful, and it's, like, hard to, you know. I liked it. It's fun. But I kind of want every single joke to kind of be a home run. And I was, like, kind of having, and it's hard to... I liked it. It's fun. But I want every single joke to be a home run. I was having trouble writing and continuing. It's got to be weird expecting everything to be a home run when you're a Red Sox fan.

You know what I mean? You think you'd have slightly lower expectations. Oh, no? All right. I didn't realize that we were in Boston right now. No, they just boo the word. Yeah, I was just saying that. I had to work in like, sorry, I'm from Boston

before I mentioned Tom Brady's name. I knew everybody was going to boo me as soon as I mentioned it. Shut the fuck up. I love it. Would you, you love Tom Brady? Clearly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you may, in your joke, you said, it's the funniest thing I had, my daughter is 17 and I've taken her to Sixers games and it is weird to have my teenage daughter see my

excitement at meeting 23-year-old seven-foot black man. I'm like, hi, Mr. So-and-so. She's like, dad, pull together. You do feel fucking like a queef. Did you notice any sexual tension between your daughter and Tom Brady when they were that close to each other?

Well, my daughter's not retarded, like I said, so it was her friend who got to throw the football back and forth with them. But when she heard the story, did she get wet for you? Oh, I thought you went with your daughter to the Tom Brady thing. No. So, I meant

on his behalf, Did his daughter get... You know, if you've got to explain it, dude. Rob, I'll tell you what, man. I liked it for taking a six-year break. That was very impressive. A lot of funny stuff, man. Keep doing it. Do it again.

You're good at it. Not everything always has to be a home run. There'll be a home run the next time you do it. There he goes. Rob Callahan. He's on social media at Borah Allac. B-O-R-A-H-A-L-L-A-C.

That's an interesting one. Calla. Calla Rob. Oh, backwards. I get it. That's weird. Anyway, you guys having fun out there? Your next comedian goes by the name of Daniel Savage. That's weird. Anyway, you guys having fun out there? Okay.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Daniel Savage. Daniel Savage. Let's see what happens here. The band's killing it tonight. Oh, boy. And here comes the band back from that ledge. I wish you would step back, my friend One more time for Daniel Savage. What's up, everybody?

I know you're all disappointed I'm not the famous Dan Savage, so my bad. Having the name Dan Savage is a little bit difficult because everybody remembers my name and I can't remember anybody else's, so life kind of sucks. My uncle Randy man he always brought coke to Thanksgiving so we're sad that he passed away. Life kind of sucks. Just be like that you know. I think times are good right now to be a woman. Gender-neutral bathrooms phenomenal you know you get to walk in

I was peeing woman walking past me you could just check out junk. If you're a grower not a great place. You're a shower, life is phenomenal. You're just walking by, I want that one. It's a great time to be a woman. I got nothing else. Daniel Savage. I love the clothes.

I got nothing else. I'd love to see an hour-long set from someone end like that, right? Just like, that's it, everybody. I don't know what you want. I'm totally out of everything. Good night. There you go there. That's what a minute would have been.

Fucking panic, bro. Am I crazy or does Daniel have a fucking fat, juicy ass? Look at his ass, dude. Oh, yeah. He's got a little. Look at that bubble. Shane, it was right up. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I was eyeing that up, dude. I got lost in your ass. Look at his ass, dude. Look at that bubble. Shane, it was right up here. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I was eyeing that up,

dude. I got lost in your ass. He looks like they stretched out a little person. Yeah. He's got a midget ass. Little arms. Yeah. Yeah, you do. You look like a little roundy. One of those midgets that got like the really expensive

operation where they break your bones in a bunch of places. You got dead guys from calf to thighs. I had to get checked when I was going to go through puberty. It happened late. You got your uncle's femurs. You know, because

his uncle died. Daniel, how old are you? 28. 28 years old. That's your first time doing stand-up, right? Right. Have you ever been on stage doing anything before? No comedy, no. Not comedy, but anything else?

No, so I've done public speaking a couple times. Like what? Uncle's eulogy. Uncle's eulogy. Your honor. What kind of public speaking have you done? So I did a couple presentations before, obviously with school and stuff, and then I did a eulogy

actually for my cousin's grandfather and then I've done two weddings. Do you remember any highlights of the cousin's grandfather? It seems like a hard writing gig. Do you remember any of the highlights of that speech that you gave, the cousin's grandfather's eulogy?

He's a nice guy. I'm done. I'm done. That's it. I'm out. I'm out. Time- it. I'm out. I'm out. Time-wise, I'm done. What do you guys want? Seemed like a good guy. He was a snappy dresser. Always had a nice thing to say. That's all I got. I don't know. I didn't write anything down. Any highlights of that eulogy?

No, it was just a psalm from the Bible. Right. A little reading. Right. What do you do for a living? I'm a garbage man. You're a real garbage man? A real New York City garbage man? Whoa. Dude. That's so cool.

Growing up in Philly, we were told that's top of the heap, dude. Yeah, man. A New York City garbage man. It's fitting because your set was garbage, man. You ever find a body or any crazy stories? So over the summer, a homeless guy hopped into the back, and he started writhing in the back of one of the garbage trucks. Writhing?

Just like he hopped in while garbage trucks were driving. Writhing. Writhing, writhing, just like squirming in the back of the garbage truck. Yeah, just full on just having spasms. Right. Being homeless. What are you listening to, books on tape when you're picking up garbage? Writhing?

Nora Roberts? That was such an eloquent romance word. This just in. Local garbage man teaches New York audience what writhing means. You know, he was like sensually moving around in the garbage.

The homeless guy was like, I was just getting comfy. How long have you been a garbage man for? Did you start as a garbage boy and work your way up? So it's three years in July, so about like three and a quarter. I thought you were about to say, well, it's three years

of school for it. I'm like, no way. And your residency for four years. Did the homeless guy die? No, no. So they just had to stop working and have EDP come and take the guy away. You guys have to deal with a lot of rats, right? Yeah, I mean, you see

rats. I mean, shout out to Grasso. He's a sanitation worker and he ran like three blocks away when a rat came out of the garbage one time. Shout out to Grosso. He's like, yo, just fucking out. Fucking represent, Grosso. It's that fucking West Coast shit right there. Shout out to Grosso.

What did he do? I'm sorry. I really cut you off there. I couldn't help myself. He just ran like three blocks away. I don't fucking deal with rats, dude. It's the one fucking thing I don't do.

I'll fucking dig through trash all fucking day. And I noticed you said when he asked you he said, yeah, you see rats, but you don't even see the rats anymore, do you Daniel? You just throw garbage, bro. That's fucking all it is, dude, just fucking bags. If you think about it too much, it's a little disgusting,

but I don't even do that. This just in, Mark Wahlberg has fallen upon hard times. Wow. What's your love life like? Do garbage men get a lot of fucking pussy? I'm dating my girlfriend probably soon to be fiance for like four years. Did you just propose?

Where'd you meet her at? She's garbage. No, I'm kidding. I met her in school. I went to University of Buffalo. I met her up there. You went to a university? Yeah, what the fuck? God damn, dude. University of Buffalo with a master's in garbage.

Daniel Savage. I master's in garbage. Daniel Savage. I majored in sanitation. So I graduated college. I started working digital advertising. You graduated? Digital advertising. Yeah. And so then I took all the civil service tests. My dad

works as a mechanic and I took the test and everybody said it's the best job in the world so I gave it a shot and it's not half bad. Everybody said it's the best job in the world, so I gave it a shot, and it's not half bad. Everybody said it's the best job in the world? Who told you this? You got to pay back loans? It's your guidance counselor that said that? Motherfuck.

Best job in the world? New York garbage man. What's your girl do? She's an accountant. So she used her degree. Yeah. She got one of the good degrees. That'd be great if she's on the other end of the fucking truck Just talking shit with bandanas on

In true garbage man fashion You bagged a good one Wow Look at that Live from the Boston Special Olympics Well Daniel, fun times, man. Congratulations on your first time up here. Talk about being a garbage man if you ever do this again.

That's a fucking interesting take, a real perspective. There he goes, Daniel Savage, everybody. Fun times. I hate to see him go, but I like to watch him leave. There he is. Blam, blam, blam, blam. He's got a couple of hefty bags hanging off his waist. Junk in the trunk, just like the truck, baby.

Yeah. It's time to smash that load down, bro. It's like two Cornish hens headbutting each other. Of course, he has a fucking massive dumpster. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, dude, he took, like, statistics at it. The University of Buffalo. I've got to go to Western Civ and then eventually pick up someone else's yak and fucking loads.

Picture the University of Buffalo admissions video they're trying to give people. Here's some of our happy graduates right here. He's riding on the back of a garbage truck. That's going to be him too. Toss in the back and then, Hey Grosso, the red's gone. Come back here. My girlfriend, she's a math bitch or something.

A math bitch. She's a receipt whore. What do you call them? With the Jew guys. She's a receipt whore. What do you call them? What did you guys? Oh, my God. I love these episodes where I get to really fucking laugh and enjoy myself. Put your hands up. We've seen this guy before.

I'm not positive which fucking one it is, but I know this is one of those New York names that we've pulled before. Let's get an update of the comedy stylings of Gio Perez, ladies and gentlemen. There he is. That's the one. That's what I thought. Hey, hey, I'm gonna hand for the band, everybody. Come on. Hey, it's Gio Perez.

How you guys doing? So you guys know that the rainforest has been burning down in Brazil for like three months. And nobody in this country has done shit about it except for Pornhub. Nah, it's a fact. Look it up, right? They plan on planting a tree for every view that their website gets.

So it's like every time Pornhub gives me wood, they give some back to the planet. You know what I mean? The hub's always coming in clutch. would, they'd give some back to the planet. You know what I mean? The hub's always coming in clutch. But I got a seven year old daughter and me and her mother separated three years ago

because I wanted to start doing comedy and it felt like it was going to get away in her way of being a lying whore. Nah, that's just a joke. I've only been doing comedy for like a year and a half. But like, I still try to keep like the holidays a positive time for. So like recently I asked, I was like, hey, baby, you know, like Christmas is coming up.

What do you want Santa to bring you? I know personally he owes me a few favors. I'll get you whatever you want. Just let daddy know. And without hesitation, he's like, daddy, I don't want anything for Christmas. I just want you and mommy to live together again. Yeah, I didn't know what to say. So I'm just like, I'm sorry, baby, I can't do that.

That was it. That wasn't it? That should be it. That should be the end of the joke. That's destiny telling you right where to end that fucking joke. Go ahead, let's hear your end. No, I told her I couldn't do that. Let's hear the director's cut.

I just told her that I couldn't do that. Let's hear the director's cut. I just told her that I couldn't do that because Santa didn't exist. And it got worse after that. I was like, Jesus, a black man, 9-11 was an inside job. You saw all the... Yeah, hell yeah, dude. Yeah, you know. All true, all true.

All true, yeah. Truth to power. Top five transitions I've ever heard in comedy is, you know, Pornhub got it going when I get that wood. I got a seven-year-old daughter, guys. We can bring it down for a minute. Man. My favorite part is when every contestant immediately is just like,

also, I have a child. Yeah. It just happens every time. I was going to say, one of my favorite parts of this episode so far is watching Shane laugh at people's sad setups. It's like, I think my girlfriend cheated on me. He's just like,

I was waiting for him to stop laughing and say the punchline, but he just kept laughing. I was like, alright, fuck it. Don't blame me, Bone Thugs. No, I'm not blaming you. I'll take half the blame with you. Alright, I don't know. It was'm not blaming you. I'll take half the blame with you. All right. I don't know. I don't know. It was funny.

Do you miss your Uncle Charles? Bone Thugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Heck yeah. So, Gio, you've been on this show a few times before, right? This is the best couple. Second time. Second time.

What happened last time you were on? I did way better. You did? Last time? Yeah, way better. Really? You remember this Chet Lightning? You're shaking your head yes over there? He was much better. You did? Last time? Yeah, way better. Really? You remember this Chet Lightning? You're shaking your head yes over there?

He was much better last time. Wow. Interesting. I liked this. This time he looks like an NBA 2K player that someone gave up making halfway through. He does. You do. You do.

That is what you look like. He looks like Joe Dirt got his life together I don't know Uh oh, the crowd groaning That's because very rarely Do people take shots at the band It's a dangerous maneuver This guy looks like he ordered the tour of Italy

On his head I warn you, you don't want to take shots at the band. That's it. We're going to go back to the studio for our lead hair correspondent, Jerry Curl. What ethnicity are you, Gio? You're a very interesting figure. Dominican. Dominican.

Heck yeah, that's what happens when you put... Oh, wow. Look, it's such a proud race. Dime lo. Dominican. What are Dominicans known for? What are they? Oh, wow. Look, it's such a proud race. Dime lo. Dominican. What are Dominicans known for? Sammy Sosa.

I'll tell you what they're not known for. Socks. We don't wear socks, supposedly. Plastic surgery, too. Looking Mexican, but saying the N-word. Yeah, yeah. We're just basically light-skinned niggas with good hair. Whoa, you just did it.

Am I right? Am I right? Just niggas with good hair. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax. Relax. I don't know if you saw the show earlier. You think you have good hair? Stop. The guy wearing the wig says this shit. Wow.

Coming to you live from the red carpet of Dominican Annabelle. Dominican Annabelle. Yeah, it is an interesting... Do you go to a Dominican barber? Is there a special thing that you go to to get something like that done? Well, no. I just get the sides trimmed and let the top do what it does. Do what it does.

Hell yeah. You got a real New York. What part of town do you live in? I was born and raised in Yonkers and live like the second half of my life. Why does somebody say ah for Yonkers? Because it's a New York crowd. You could say anything and there'll be five people angry at you in the audience. Wow.

So what do you do for work? I work for Walmart. Wait, what? Get the fuck out of here. Really? So that's where you get your hair cut out. Okay. Now it's all starting to make sense.

At the nail salon. A heartwarming story. One of the special ad greeters at Walmart finds comedy. The first special Walmart greeter that uses the N-word. Yeah, that's how I greet everybody. I can't say it because I got fired. Always.

How long have you worked at Walmart? About like a year and some change now A year and a month A year and some change Do you have a college degree? I went to the University of Buffalo What do you want? I got an associate's from a community college in Suffolk Wow, wow An associate's from a community college in Suffolk. Wow.

An associate's from a community college. You look exactly like John Tarturo. You know that guy? Yeah. Doesn't he look exactly like him? Yeah. I see it. That's all I'm saying.

You guys sound like him too. You ever see The Night Of? No. It's pretty good. You should watch it. It's on HBO. Thank you. What do you do for fun?

Any fun hobbies? You ever do any Dominican stuff, like dance with girls way too hard and stuff like that? Oh yeah, it's called perreo. You ever barbecue really loud in a public park? Have you ever worn matching mesh tank tops with your whole family? Have you ever...

See, we don't have these people in Los Angeles. This is like being literally at a zoo for us right now. Oh, it's very exciting. He's doing these references. I'm like, what? This is what Dominicans are? Wow, they've been around this long. Artistic beard lines.

A no-sock species known for... You catch a woman with a 21 waist and a 65 ass. Oh! Nothing fits it except an oversized Tweety Bird shirt tied up. Oh my goodness, this is incredible. The crowd's going wild.

I had no idea. I like that. Wow. One of these days, we'll sit you guys around and teach you all about Mexicans No Armenians right Oh yeah Armenians for sure You guys just

The system of a down reference right Wow So what is that hard dancing called Is that a Dominican thing Yeah well it's Caribbean things Oh okay I get all you people mixed up Do you ever do that do you know how to do that Well, it's Caribbean things. Oh, okay. I get all you people mixed up.

Yes. Do you ever do that? Do you know how to do that? Yeah, man. It's just like fucking with your clothes on. Basically dry humping. You know how to do any creepy Dominican dance moves? I know how to dance Spanish music, yeah.

I mean, the crowd will probably go crazy if you gave us an example of that. I heard somebody scream. Can I get a Dominican girl to dance with? Yeah, absolutely. Chelsea! Chelsea! Chelsea! Chelsea! Chelsea! Chelsea! Chelsea! Chelsea! Come on, Chelsea!

Oh, he's holding her down. It's a performance. It's a performance piece. It's a performance. It's a performance piece. It's not some weird alcove on a Greek beach. Matty Mo, what the fuck? He held her down. What is that? Red Band, put some Greek music.

She'll probably dance. Matty Mo, dude, you got to fight him now. You have to fight him. You going to let him talk to your bitch like that, bro? I would never allow that. Chelsea, dude, you got to fight him now. You have to fight him. You going to let him talk to your bitch like that, bro? I would never allow that. Chelsea, hello, I'm Shane. It's not going to work. Formerly almost of Saturday Night Live.

It's Saturday night. Technically, yes, I was. Come on, is there a girl willing to come up here and dance with Gio Perez? Maybe if he puts his hair up in a bun or something. I feel like that Dominican girl keeps asking her boyfriend. Is he stepping up? Will you dance with him? Breaking news.

Lead anchor from Kill Tony will get sexed with on stage. Wow. Yeah. will get sexed with on stage. Wow. Wow. This is very exciting. Put some bachata. Put some bachata on.

Is this right? Oh, my God. Are you guys ready to make history here on New York Hill, Tony? Wow. Wow. Wow. Oh, my God. Oh, look at that. Oh my god. Oh!

Look at that! Wow. That was very impressive. Wow. All right, somebody break up. Build that wall! Build that wall! This just in, lead anchor questions his sexuality.

That was very... Somebody break out the hookah. I got hard. I'm hard. That was hot. Gio, you did it. You brought the crowd to a frenzy here, showing us your Dominican stylings.

And there he goes, Gio Perez. This is Gio Perez. Gio Perez 86. How about one more time for Chet Lightning as well on that one. Huh? Yes. He's got a little skip in his step now. Look at him over there.

Oh. Chet Lightning seems like a whole new man over there. A new lease on life. He's shaking the cum out of his ass. That boner energy. Some of that breaking news. All right.

Diclon? Is that a real name? Dylon? Diclon? D-Y-C-L-O-N? Here he comes, everybody. Diclon. Here we go. White. Oh,C-L-O-N. Here he comes, everybody. Dyclon. Here we go.

White. Oh, yeah. No one saw this coming. Oh, shit. One more time for Dyclon, everybody. So I'm really hairy. Being hairy kind of feels like being short, I'd imagine. People like to tell you all the time

they'll say Dylan you're really hairy I look down and I'm like no shit being hairy is also really weird in the bedroom I'd imagine it's kind of like having a small dick you get your clothes off they look at you and you're like shit will she still do it

it gets really inconvenient when you're hairy and have a small dick. Because then you're really not going to get any pussy. That's all I got. That's it. 38 seconds. Heck yeah. Are you sweating profusely?

Very, very nervous. Wow, is that a thing where your whole body sweats? Yep. You'd think the hair would catch most of it. Have you always had that problem? Yeah. So it's even when you're not nervous or something like that? Yeah, for the most part.

Let's check in with Chet Lightning. This just in, Robin Williams' shower drain has come back to life. It's hot in here. My goodness. Have you ever, you know that

most of your body heat is exerted from the top of your head, right? Have you ever thought about going a little South Park style? You know what? Put it back on. Put it back on. I got that Jack Nicholson hairline. Oh, okay. Sure. Wow.

Alright. Wow, you do. I try to hide it. Dyklon, I'm fat. I sweat. Here's what I do. Avoid light colored shirts Yeah You wore just a gray t-shirt with no undershirt

Or maybe even a hoodie I have a hoodie Your armpit sweat is One of the most distracting things Yeah Weird because they always wear Gray shirts, this is the second time We've had somebody with a sweating problem in the last couple weeks.

They're both wearing white shirts. Yeah, gray shirts. Great. So, Diclon, welcome. This is your first time on the show, first time doing stand-up comedy, correct? Awesome. So, have you ever performed anything before in your life? No.

Have you ever performed anything before in your life? No. Not even a eulogy at your grandfather's cousin's funeral or anything like that? Nothing? Nope. Wow. What do you do for fun? Snowboard, hike, play poker, watch sports.

Don't sweat the small stuff. What do you do for work? So I landscape. Wow, landscape. what do you uh what do you do for work so i landscape wow landscape i know a guy that works in botany i work at an office what was that last part then during tax season i work in an accounting firm oh wow look at you you really get it together huh so landscaping during uh the most of the year and then accounting during tax season only isn't that also when people need landscaping the most of the year and then accounting during tax season only. Isn't that also when people need landscaping the most, though? During tax season? Anyway... From mowing green to counting green.

That's fun. Diclon, I mean, you seem like you're the type of guy that has some type of special skill or hobby. I'm getting the vibe from you that you're really good at something, or at least you once were at one point. You have a lot of trophies on your wall from something that you decided that you would never do again. You hung up the sword forever type of situation.

You were once one of the best in the world at something, but now you don't do it anymore. I think maybe you breed tarantulas or something. No. Are you a good singer? No. I think maybe you breed tarantulas or something. No. Are you a good singer? No. Are you in love, Diclon? Nope.

Yeah, why do you guys think he does anything? I don't know. I'm starting to figure out that all my instincts are wrong about this guy. He's a disturbance in the force. You're nationally ranked at Mario Kart? Mario Kart. It's a very Philly fucking thing. It's nationally ranked at Mario Kart? Mario Kart. It's a very Philly fucking thing. It's such a Philadelphia thing.

Yo, Mario? Yeah. You guys play Mario Kart? On your Nintendo 64? Mario Kart. Yeah, this fucking queer didn't play Mario Kart. Yeah, don't be gay. Break out to Mario Kart.

If there was ever a game actually called Mario Kart, one of the characters you could play with is definitely Grosso. I don't know if you guys know this. You guys try Grosso with his fucking garbage truck? He's the best. He's not very fast, but he's got good handling. I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what his secret is. You came first out of all your friends, didn't you? I came first? Yeah, you were the first one to be able to ejaculate. You've been a hairy boy for a while. Oh, yeah. That's probably true. Right?

You were a hairy boy since you were a young boy? Yeah. All right, there you go. You didn't want to tell everybody because you were the only one that little stuff came out? You had a mustache? Everyone looked up to you in eighth grade. Did you have a seventh grade mustache? Yeah.

That's fucking damn. That's so masculine. Look at you. I mean. Oh, I wish I didn't. in eighth grade. Did you have a seventh grade mustache? That's so masculine. I wish I didn't. I didn't get my seventh grade mustache until I was 35 years old, everybody. Thank you. Took me this long. Looks good. Thank you. I was afraid you guys were going to say it's a sixth

grade mustache, but I made it through. Diaclon, no girlfriend. What's the last date you went on? What was that like? It was my ex-girlfriend two months ago. What went down there? Three weeks in, she told me she wanted to get married and have kids.

I can't imagine how much you must have been sweating when she said that. You just started melting into the fucking ground. What did you say when she said that? You're like, look at me. I'm Diaclon. I don't even have anything.

I don't have any trophies. I just hike. I snowboard and I sweat. That's it, lady. What do you want from me? You want to marry this? Yeah, basically. Wow.

My goodness. Maybe you should snowboard in a tank top. Why do you think she wanted to lock you down so hard after three weeks yeah why'd she want to be Mrs. Diclon where's that name from it was supposed to be

Dylon my friends call me Dylon my name's Dylan oh that's supposed to be an E, that third letter? Yeah. Yeah, you forgot the little loop part. It's just a straight up... I'm surprised how many people don't write their name down well

for it's the only thing that's going to be read. Like, maybe that one you go with some real good old-fashioned print. Literally. I never really talk about it because I don't ever want to be a broken record on this show. So I really never bring it up. But a fun fact

is that really just about 70% of these are really unreadable. I'm really always proud of myself most of the time when I read them and someone stands up I'm like yes.

Yeah he has to read your name and you're signing like you're signing a check at a fucking Applebee's. He's like, sure, whatever it says. Also, but I think Dylan deserves some credit for just going with Diclon for a while. Yeah, I think it should stick.

Just letting that go. I've seen enough of people correct you. I thought that was the name of your wizard in the world of Warcraft or something. I am Diclon. Do you say other words strangely? Like, are you on a date and you ask the woman, do you want to try a now later tonight? If I'm paying for philet mignon, you best believe we are.

Your parents have weird jobs or weird lives or something like that? Dad's an accountant. Mom stayed home. Anything, any fun facts? I feel like we're missing something. Maybe you're avoiding the topic. I swear to God, you're missing nothing. Really? This guy,

I think you're great. You're just nothing. And that's fair. That's good to be. I just don't think there's much beyond this. You're just nothing. And that's fair. That's good to be. I just don't think there's much beyond this. You're good at video game hockey? No. I don't play much video games. I can answer for you.

Ask me a question and I'll answer for him. Frisbee golf. Never played it. Took the words out of his hairy mouth. He reads a lot of his hairy mouth. He reads a lot of true crime novels. Never. Hasn't read a book in fucking years.

Didn't read a book all of college. How about cooking? You ever cook yourself a nice delicious meal? Lunch meat. Shane, has he tried to fuck multiple things in his house? You know what? I feel like he hasn't. I think he's not a weirdo. Just an old-fashioned grip and rip?

Just a good grip and rip? Nah, you got some lotion. Do you jerk off with lotion? What do you use? I think we cracked into a weird category. There's something weird here My guess is no lotion He just spits right on that hairy palm

And lets it rip Feels like a gorilla is giving him a hand job It's like fucking an old lady's pussy I think he shaves One of his hands and pretends it's a female's I'll say this He's got thick shoulders and absolutely no ass wow

look at that those pants are hanging on for dear life right now I don't well fair he's coming off of our boy from before

Daniel Savage who was just fucking all ass dude Mark Smallberg alright Daikon well if I have any more questions for you

I'm just gonna ask Shane Gillis there he goes. Daikon, everybody. Daikon rules. You're having fun. We're getting through it. All right.

Let's see what happens next. This is some good handwriting. Put your hands together for Jonathan Volpe. Jonathan Volpe. Volpe. Volpe. Volpe. V-O-L-P-E. Here he comes. He's on a mission.

Ba-ba-na-ba-na-na-na. Jonathan Volpe. Whoa, Chad Lightning missed a couple notes. Got mad there. How about one more time for Jonathan Volp, everybody? Thank you, thank you. So I know we're not supposed to judge people, but there are times where I see someone on the sidewalk,

and I think, if I don't cross the street and something goes down, I'm going to get victim blamed. I can just see it now, like the cops looking over my body being, he saw this guy yelling at the trees. He did nothing. He just kept walking. But, yeah, so last night my girlfriend yelled out my dad's name during sex. Yeah, it was rough.

It was worse that he told me about it after. Yeah, we have an arrangement, but keep it to yourself. Like, I don't need the details. I've been with my girlfriend since high school. Well, let me clarify, since she was in high school. It's been about eight years, and when you in high school uh eight years uh and when you're with someone for eight years you know they start expecting

things but um alright go ahead finish it you know she she wants to have kids but I don't know if I do want to have kids uh because if I took care of a child the way I took care of myself they would just

take that kid away immediately. Like I... Alright, don't finish it. Don't finish it. That's the first time I heard you go... I've done this show

several times and I heard you go finish it and the person's face goes like you fucking cocksucker. Yada, yada, yada. Someone gets killed.

You really are an evil cocksucker. You know that? Yeah. You fuck. All right. I'll go. I'll finish it. First time doing stand-up, Jonathan?

Third time. Third time. That's a good set for a third time, Jonathan Volp. The first two were New York City open mics so just ten people

who were waiting going through their sets waiting for their turn. Of course, yeah, I know what that is. First. Yeah, no, I know. I'm a professional comedian. I had to do that once at one part of my life.

I know what you're talking about, open mics. Yep. I've heard of this thing, ten people. Yep. So you've done that a few times, and now here you are. You live around here in New York City? I do live in New York. You were born and raised here?

No, upstate. Oh, what part upstate? Orange County. I live in New York. You were born and raised here? No, upstate. Oh, what part upstate? Orange County. Not too far upstate. Not Buffalo, but Orange County. Orange County. Oof. They have a place called Orange County in upstate New York. Oh, God. We were first. Yeah, I bet you were. No shit.

Of course. That's where fucking pilgrims moved to. And then evolved minds kept going west. But not your fucking family. I hate upstate New York, if I don't know. I don't know if I've mentioned that on this show before. I hate very few places.

Upstate New York, Connecticut, Fort Wayne, Indiana. That's it. No, Indianapolis is okay. It's not great, but it's okay. Milwaukee's on the line. Milwaukee, I'm going to give one more shot to. Milwaukee's on the cusp. So tell us

something about you, Jonathan. Tell us some fun facts about you that we need to know moving forward. What's it like being the last Radio Shack employee? Good question. All the free wires, free dongles. There you go. What do you do for work, Jonathan? Don't add to the joke.

I do tech support for a software company. Yeah. Thank you. I look like it. Yeah. How long have you been doing look like it, yeah. Yeah. How long have you been doing that for? Three years.

Does that job stress you out? No. Really? You leave work and you're just nice and relaxed and you feel good? Yeah, I leave work and I'm just like, all right, I'm done. I don't need to deal with it. What kind of software? It's a real niche.

It's for pharmaceutical companies. Yeah. It's so boring. Oh, yeah. Jet lightning? When you get a boner, do you say, let's turn this software into hardware? All right. So, Jonathan, is that true you've been with a girl for eight years?

No one ever answers me. Yeah, eight years. Eight years. And you guys really were in high school together? Yeah, we started dating right after I graduated. Is it the only girl you've ever had sex with? Well, biologically speaking, every seven years. No, yes.

Have you fucked software? You say biologically speaking? I have another joke, but I didn't get to. Oh, don't do another joke. He's like, I made an ex-machina. So just say yes, you've only fucked one woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever mess around with another girl? Like anything ever

happen before you met this girl? No, I was a nerd in high school. Well, you still are. Back in high school. I was a nerd in high school. Now I just do tech support for a pharmaceutical company. And I'm actually pretty happy doing it. The odds of you not being Asian are crazy.

I don't know about that. On a scale of one to ten, let's just say I dated a series of girls on a scale of ones and zeros. There you go. Is she here supporting you tonight? No. Is she tech supporting?

Is she Skyping this shit? Is she a fan of you doing stand-up comedy? This is the first she's ever seen me do it. Wait, so she is here tonight? A woman has reportedly ran out of the building. Is she chugging cock in Athens? Yes.

Chelsea! Chelsea! Chelsea! Chelsea! Chelsea! Heck yeah. No, baby, I swear that's hummus on my sweater. So, Jonathan, what are some fun facts? What would we be surprised to know about you?

Do you think that cum looks like hummus? Yes, very good, yes Okay, so back to the question I just asked Jonathan Yes, we're past that now That was another question that now I'd have to re-ask Because it's an interview show I think it's fascinating to the audience I think we were past it, but thank you. I think it's fascinating to the audience. I think we were past it, but thank you, Chet Lightning.

Back to you, my friend. Thank you, Chet Lightning. Tossing it back to you in the studio. You already did. You don't even need to do it again. Oh, no, you toss it back to me, and I'm tossing it right back to you. Thank you, Chet Lightning. This is a very live show. Excuse the technical difficulties.

Very good. Very good. Very good. The fuck was the last question I asked you? It was a good one. If there's any fun facts. Yeah. Were you an Eagle Scout? I was not an Eagle Scout, no.

Did you do Boy Scouts? No, no Boy Scouts. Give us your answer. I do origami. You do what? Origami. Paper folding. Wow.

I make paper cranes. Oh, man. You used to be a nerd in high school, huh? Yo. Wow. It makes paper cranes. Oh, man. You used to be a nerd in high school, huh? Yo, Jonathan, you want to paper crane battle me right now? I will paper crane battle

you right now. Whoa. Careful. Jay. Jay. We need square. This guy does not fold under pressure.

Let me tell you that. Oh, look at this. Are you talking sheet? Because I hear someone talking sheet. Oh. It's a paper. Paper jigs. Are you talking sheet? Because I hear someone talking sheet. Oh. It's a paper. Paper jigs.

Are we about to have our first ever origami competition? I'll do it with a post-it note. Big J versus Jonathan Volk. You guys can use my table. Here, I have, yeah, go ahead. I have two pieces of paper here that I believe I'm not going to need for the rest of the episode. Either of those say Ridge Wallet on it by any chance? This isn't good TV.

Welcome to the World Championship of Origami. This is it. The first time in podcast history. Now, just for a second here, I'm going to remind you, while we're talking about bending paper and making good shapes that you can keep concisely in your pocket, here's a little bit that you need to know about Ridge Wallet, our new favorite product. We used to have one of these old janky wallets in our back pocket, took up a bunch of space, messes up your back, it's uncomfortable. Now we're sponsored by Ridge Wallet.

It's sleek. It's a titanium carbon fiber or aluminum. You have an option no matter what you want. Yeah, I can't believe I haven't had one of these earlier because I've always had the wallet, the shitty wallet you get at Target, and it's thick and has a thousand things in it I don't need. These new wallets are amazing.

Now I have it in my front pocket. It's really small. It's made out of titanium. Like you said, it's awesome. There's a lifetime warranty if you love it and free returns if you don't. There's dozens of different styles and colors. You can get 10% off today with free worldwide

shipping and returns by going to ridge.com slash killtony. That's ridge.com slash killtony and use code killtony link in description so they know that we sent you. That's ridge.com slash killtony to save 10% off your order. And now we're back to the origami competition.

This is very exciting. This has never happened before in the history of this show. Big J, if you would have told me that we would have our first ever origami competition would happen on this show and that Big J. Oakerson would be one of the competitors, I would have told you I would bet against that. Which reminds me, mybookie.ag. They're the absolute best, and I wouldn't be telling you to bet with them if they absolutely weren't the best. Bet with mybookie if you're going to bet this football season.

Do the smart thing. If you're going to bet, you have to use it. Did you know you could bet on games after the kickoff? By the second half, and it looks like your bet is going to lose, you can always use it. Did you know you could bet on games after the kickoff? By the second half, it looks like your bet is going to lose. You can always just take the other side. If you're the kind of guy that likes to bet a little and win a lot, try a parlay. If all your picks come through,

you'll multiply your winnings, and no matter how you bet, the NFL season is the best time of the year. No better time than now. Join now and MyBookie will double your first deposit. Use promo code TONY to activate the offer. That's promo code TONY. and MyBookie will double your first deposit. Use promo code Tony to activate the offer. That's promo code Tony. Visit MyBookie.ag today.

You play, you win, you get paid. All right. The origami competition is still happening. After all this time, we find out why Big Jay Oakerson wears fingerless gloves. What are we going to do? Origami book. He really is. He is a caring big dude.

Caring big dude. CBD. That reminds me. No, I'm kidding. Oh! Oh, my goodness. Big Jay Oakerson has apparently made what appears to be a TIE fighter from Star Wars. It has my exact profile.

Wow, that is beautiful. A paper crane. And what do we have from the professional origami guy, Jonathan Volp? What is that? Also a paper crane. That's an actual paper crane. I thought it was a kite. It's fine.

Should we throw them out in the audience And see which one flies the best Let's see what happens here Big J's loading up I'm going to be surprised if either one of these makes it off the stage I don't think They don't fly I don't know how this shit works

You think I do this Faggot ass paper shit? Oh! My passion! My passion! Stop it. I was a bully in high school, dude. Shane Gillis just smashed this guy's origami.

One of the rudest things I've ever seen Nice burn, man Fuck all of you I don't give a fuck Shane Gillis is going Shane's wins Shane Gillis is going full Anakin Skywalker Killing younglings right now Burn that motherfucker

No, don't do it Burn it down Burn it down. Burn it down. Alright, alright, alright. This is a real venue. Don't cause a fire. There you go. There you go. Well, we would have burned it, dork. Yeah, we would have.

But there are rules and regulations. If there were no fire codes, that thing would be in flames right now. Well, Jonathan, thank you. You introduced us to our first ever origami statement. Thank you. Segment on the show. There he goes.

Jonathan S. Volp, everybody. There you go, pal. Heck yeah. He's got the softest hands in the game. Yeah, that's origami hands. Yep. That thing really burned. That might set off an alarm.

This name looks familiar, too. Let's see what happens here. Maybe this person's been on, maybe they haven't. Make some noise for Santa Cruz. Santa Cruz. Here we go. Oh, man. Chet Lightning struggling through New York, New York.

One more time for Santa Cruz. So growing up, there was this superstition growing around that if you were to lie 20 times, you die. So in kindergarten, a kid, he took my Danish butter cookies out of my backpack, and I just told him straight up, if you don't give them back in 10 seconds, I'm going to punch you in the face. The bus pulled over. Similar situation happened in second grade. I just wanted to fit in with my friends because they had Hotel for Dogs Happy Meal toys.

And so the next day, I came with my Hotel for Dogs Happy Meal toy. A kid, he took it from my bag. I said, if you don't give it back in 10 seconds, I'm going to punch you in the face. The bus pulled over again. That's all.

Alright. Hey. Wow, nailed it, Chet Lightning, on that one. That felt like the first share at your first day of NA. I said, if Chet Lightning doesn't stop playing saxophone, I'm going to punch him in the face.

What was that about? Santa Cruz, welcome to the show. Has anyone ever told you that you look like three different generations of the same Filipino man? The grandfather, the father, and the son. You look like the guy Shane was talking about. I want you to know

I thought the set was great. I thought it was the best set of the night. Personally, my favorite. I think you got a real future in this. I would like to be your friend. Can we take some pictures together or something? I swear, if he says he's not even Asian, I'm going to freak out. Why are you using a Mexican fucking stage name, dude?

Wait, what? Santa Cruz? Oh, yeah, Filipino. I guess it's Hispanic. Oh, wait. Well, Spanish. You know what I'm talking about. Fuck you.

Oh, there you go. Another one of these great sound bites from Shane Gillis. Yeah, whatever. Whatever. Mexican, Asian, it don't fucking matter. What are you, Santa Cruz? Tell us. I'm Filipino. Yeah, which would occasionally have Spanish last names, right?

Yeah. Thank you, because the fucking Spanish owned them until the U.S. was like, yeah, get out of here, and then they got out of there. That human resources class really is paying off here. Fucking woke Gillis. Look, again, I thought that shit ruled. Keep doing what you're doing, bro.

I'll see you at the top, baby. So how old are you? I gotta know. I'm 18. 18 years old. Wow, look at that. That's about the lowest I would have guessed, the highest being 96. Really?

You're 18? Can we see you with the hat off for a second? Hell yeah. Shane, you're lucky that guy didn't fireball your ass. He is a preacher brother. Go on, Shane. Your thoughts? I think the hair looks great.

Go on, Shane. Your thoughts? I think the hair looks great. Even though, as a white, I would say you're appropriating my culture with that hair. But, no, I think everything's great, and you're a hot 18-year-old. I'd suck your dick. I'd fuck you. Great stuff.

I bet your cum's great. Thank you. You're a hot 18-year-old. I old Tell your friends he's sorry This is so cool that you're 18 And you're on this show right now Tell us a little bit more about your life You must just Are you just out of high school?

Yeah I just graduated I'm going to take a year off Your voice got deeper in the last 10 minutes You have like a radio voice Thinking about taking a year off. 18 years old, we'll be right back. Rated R. 93.

Rated R this Friday. What was that? His Mr. Movie Boys. I couldn't hear you and Chet tied up there. Don't take a year off. Why? Get to studying and come on. Don't take a year off Why? Get to studying and come on Don't fuck around

Now Shane's doing an impression Of his father everybody What do you think a young Asian man should major in Shane? Any thoughts? Rick Shaw pilot or maybe Donkey show announcer Shane thoughts I think you can do whatever

you want to do you can be an astronaut man Shane Gillis will be played by that gay Asian kid this week again Shane Gillis alright so tell us, what are your plans after you take a year off?

Then what? Well, just for the year off, I've just got to save up first so that I can actually pay for tuition. Oh, for tuition. Alright, well, come on. You don't have to fucking say all that, bro. What are you doing for work? Where are you working to save money?

I work at fucking Dunkin' Donuts. Wow, there you go. It's actually like the best job we've gotten so far. Yeah. And the best donut, I'll argue. What do you think you're going to study when you end up going to college? I'm just going to go to a community college and my major is fine arts. Fine arts.

You don't want to go, dude. Don't waste your time. I'm telling you right now, fine arts at a community college, fuck that shit. Just become a Twitcher, do a YouTube channel, do something fucking fun, man.

You're just going to waste money and time. It's been six and a half years. I've never said these words that I'm about to say, but I agree with Red Band on this one. This just in, hell has officially frozen over. I mean, look at that. That dude has a four-year degree, and

he's a trash man. And I dropped out of high school. I really did. All right. Well, we believe you, Joel. Oh, okay. Yeah, he doesn't even have a TV. I'm saying he could be like me, maybe. Probably not.

Is stand-up comedy something that you think that you really want to do, or is this just an experiment for you? This is just an experiment. You listen to the podcast? Sometimes. Well, of course, sometimes. I don't think you listen to it 24 hours a day. What do you do for fun?

You're 18. Sometimes I'll draw. Just listen to music. Just general shit. Sometimes I write my name in wet cement. Do you ever join the revolution of dance dance? No. You ever do any art?

You play any music or anything like that? No, I just draw on my own free time. You should film yourself on Twitch drawing. You do that enough, then you can start making T-shirts of the drawings you do. And the next thing you know, you're fucking making money and having fun and not going to college here. Seriously. There you go the drawings you do. And the next thing you know, you're fucking making money and having fun and not going to college here.

Seriously. And once again, bullying out a black man of a market to take over. Or you should go to college. I think you should go to college. With this charisma? It's time to hit the books, kid.

This just in. Red Band Train's new to hit the books, kid. This just in. Red Band Train's new prodigy, Yellow Band. Hey. Yes, dude. You'll never get SNL. Ever. Ever, dude. Ever.

I call it. Fuck you. I'm doing a character right now, you idiot. No, no, no. No, they don't accept that. They don't accept that. Trust me. I tried that. I tried that exact argument. They don't accept that. Trust me. I tried that.

I tried that exact argument. They don't accept the character argument. I'm wearing a wig. Wow. Santa Cruz, I'm going to tell you something. We want to keep an eye on you and follow up with you, so always stay in touch with us via social media or something like that. You know what I mean?

Give us an update on what you end up deciding to do, Santa Cruz from the New York episode. Okay. Okay. Okay. There he goes. Santa Cruz, everybody. S-A-N-I-L-I-T-O-C on Instagram.

18 years old. He's got his whole life ahead of him. Santa Cruz, everybody. He's like a little Janice. I got my numbers backwards. I'm actually 81. What do you guys think? Should we go to this bucket one more time? Okay.

This name looks familiar, and that scares me. Put your hands together for Dustin Slate. Dustin Slate. Yeah. Here comes Dustin. Here comes Dustin. One more time for Dustin Slate, everybody. Hey, Gramercy, what's up?

So this is me, I'm Dustin. I'm like an Ed Sheeran you order at McDonald's, supersized. Except for the hairline. I went to Mexico recently. Everyone called me Fat Canelo Alvarez. Probably because of the red beard. I think my dog might be into kinky sex. Every time we fuck, he tries to lick my ear and scratches my back.

I just found out my wife's a closet racist. I was putting some clothes away, and I noticed she separated the clothing into two piles, and one was for whites only. Later on, they started marching around the house holding signs like Black Socks Matter. I tend to agree with them. I'm not racist.

I have a lot of black socks. Some of my best socks are black, okay? Heck yeah, Dustin Slate bringing it around there at the end. You've been on this show before? I met you in Swansea, but I wasn't on the show.

You weren't on the show. That's right. Okay. Well, good to have you. How long have you been doing comedy? This is pretty much my first time in front of a real person. Very good. How old are you? I'm 36. 36.

No better time to start than now. I think so, yeah. No, I'm kidding. Anytime's a good time. Well, you wasted all that time being the bad guy in The Golden Child. I knew nobody was going to see that in The Golden Child. I knew nobody was going to see that movie. Golden Child.

No one saw it even when it came out. It's spot on, Big J. It's spot on. Thank you. He was also the bad guy that released all the ghosts in the movie Ghostbusters.

We have to shut this system down. Damn it. This man has no dick. No one saw these movies, Tony. No, that's true. Nobody saw Ghostbusters. What do you do for work, Dustin?

I'm an engineer. I work at a metal factory. Wow. Rock and roll. It's funny. Big Jay loves metal. Yeah. Metal rules.

You work at the factory? I work at a factory. You have any fun hobbies or anything like that? I've got a few hobbies. I play ice hockey and music. What kind of music do you play? I'm in like a jazz funk trio. Yeah, what instrument do you play?

I play bass. I hate that so much. I play bass, guitar. You play bass, but you never play drums? I've played drums before, but I'm... Well, you know what everybody i mean we're in new york city we're in new york yeah guys it's a big venue he barely plays but since it's grammar see normally i wouldn't do this but let's have

some fun guys dustin get behind those drums. Get behind those fucking drums, Dustin. You're about to play your goddamn heart out because this is a Mexican drama. The Mexican music. There you go. That's how you run a segment of a show. Keep the crowd excited. So, Dustin,

we know that you barely have a snowflakes chance in hell at this. You have no confidence. You have no swagger. We don't need you to say another word into the fucking microphone. I don't know if you know, when he looked at the drum set, he really had like a how do you work this crazy thing face on. We're going to get through this in no time at all because I'm just going to say that you have a chance to become the new drummer on Kill Tony. It could be a full-time job.

We'd need you to fly back with us to Los Angeles tomorrow morning. We have a show tomorrow night at the Comedy Store with Tim Dillon and Mike Feeney, a couple more great New Yorkers, and you might be the drummer for that show. I'll warn you that Joel Jimenez has never lost a Mexican drum off. He's had them all over the world, but there's something about this misdirect. I feel like

maybe he's an underdog here. Maybe he's gonna impress us. Remember, you can use the entire stage. You can do whatever you want. You can try to make the audience laugh. You can be entertaining on the drums. You can do anything you want to try to win this. This is Dustin Slate. This is a Mexican drum off. Go ahead, Dustin.

Go ahead, Dustin. Drum off. Go ahead, Dustin. Wow, Dustin Slate, all right. All right, he gave it a shot. That's a good New Yorker shot. Joel Berg is undefeated all time. He's had a couple big ones here at this venue. You guys ready to do this?

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, defending his throne with his job on the line, he takes all of these very seriously. No matter how his opponent does, he has been quoted as saying he's willing to kill himself on this stage. I present to you the one and only Joel Berg-Joel Jimenez. My God, he's wearing lace stockings and he's got the classic purple dildo. This is pure insanity. He never shows any mercy whatsoever.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, defending his throne, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Oh, shit. Here he goes. Oh, my goodness. What is this? Oh! With the purple dildo. A backflip off of the bass drum.

Oh, no. He's taking it off. He's taking out the purple dildo. What is happening? Oh, my goodness. Oh. Oh. Oh. We've seen this before.

Look at Joel Berg's real big huge back off. I saw his pubes. I brought the real Washington Monument to New York. We just left D.C. I had to bring it here. Oh, his dick became a legend at Skank Fest, dude. That thing lives. Wow.

That was incredible. We did it again. How many of you have Dustin Slate winning this thing, becoming the new drummer on Kill Tony? How many of you have Joel Jimenez winning this thing, huh? There he goes. He's breakdancing in celebration.

Incredible performance. How about one more time for Dustin Slate, everybody? There he goes. You're dismissed. Congratulations, Dustin. He's a gangster, but he ain't no West Coast gangster. Oh, shit. Damn.

There you go. How about one more time for the amazing guests that we had here tonight big jay okerson and uh the great shane gillis they were nice enough to come out and hang out with us on uh on short notice just kicking it like we always do shane m gillis.com for tickets to him matt and shane's secret podcast catch big jay J at Nashville Zanies, one of my favorite comedy clubs in the world. Syracuse Funny Bone. Big J comedy dot com for tickets and of course check out the Legion of Skank.

I love you Tony. Thanks for having me on. Of course. Big J. Great Shane Gillis. How about one more time for the one and only Chet Lightning. Yeah. Jeremiah Watkins. I said it earlier.

I'll go through them again. Huntington Beach, San Diego, St. Louis, Kansas City, and Zany's in Rosemont outside of Chicago. Jeremiah Watkins for tickets. Jeremiah's stand-up on social media. Jeremiah Watkins on YouTube. Jeremiah Wonders is his podcast. Anything else, Jeremiah? Also, Buffalo, New York coming in 2020.

Whoa, there you go. Someone's going back to get his degree. How about one more time for the great and powerful Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everyone. Wow. He did it again. He brings that purple dildo in his bags for you people all around the world. Well, we did it again, guys.

This is so much fun. Shout out to, again, our guests and everybody and everything and the loyal listeners here in New York City that we absolutely love. It's always so much fun to come out here to the Gramercy Theater and get to... How about... Who gives you the shout? Fucking Tony Hinchcliffe being in fucking New York City, everybody. Look at that.

Who knows? Who knows? Any day now I could be signing a mega deal. Anything can happen. How about one more time for the podfather himself, Brian Redband, guys. Thanks, guys. New York, we love you. Good night.

Good night. ស្រូវាប់បានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបា� you