KILL TONY - KILL TONY #415

Episode Date: November 15, 2019

Tim Dillon, Mike Feeney, David Lucas, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 11/11/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack, only at Kudo. Conditions apply. Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv. There you and you are listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, DeathSquad.TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the show. And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live. December 12th, we'll be in Columbus, Ohio at the Newport Music Hall.

December 14th, we'll be in Pittsburgh at the Rex Theater. December 15th, we'll be in Cleveland at the House of Blues. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates. ShopSquad.TV, that's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. There you have the new Kill Tony shirt. You also have some hats, some Death Squad shirts, and a bunch of stuff. That's ShopSquad.TV. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website,

TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have his own stand-up comedy tour dates, some merchandise. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. And last but not least, Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist. He has a new Kill Tony book. It's on Amazon or RyanJEbelt.com.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. What's up, everybody? Here we are. Make some fucking noise. Live on a Monday night. Home sweet home. Brian Redbant. Hi everybody. We are live

back home after a fun weekend of sold out shows in beautiful Washington D.C. and wonderful New York City last night. Our third sold out show this year at the Gramercy Theater. Unbelievable. So much fun. And we have the great Ryan J. Ebelt here tonight,

the author of the new Kill Tony book number three and book number two, available on Amazon Prime right now. Get your Kill Tony Christmas gift or Thanksgiving gift, perhaps a birthday late in the year, anything. It's a great present for the Kill Tony Christmas gift or Thanksgiving gift, perhaps a birthday late in the year, anything. It's a great present for the Kill Tony fan in your life. And it's also a great thing just to buy for your selfish self. You know what I mean? The road never ends for us. We go to Columbus, Pittsburgh, and Cleveland in the dead center of December, just driving through snowy, snowy freeways, the 71, the 76, Interstate 80.

We know our way around there. That's where we're from. And November 23rd, not this Saturday, but next Saturday, if there's any wrestling fans listening to this podcast, Storkade for the first time ever. A wrestling ring right there in the middle of this fucking room. Can you believe that? That's awesome.

A fucking wrestling ring with some of the best wrestlers in the world here at the Comedy Store on a fucking Saturday afternoon. How crazy is that? So we just got back from New York today. You want to know what I did when I got home? Rested a little bit, laid in bed, took a power nap, and I rested some more. You know what made it easy? I'm laying there, and I said, I'm going to treat myself. I've been working like a madman. I'm going to get sushi from my favorite sushi place, but I'm not going to go

there. I'm going to rest up and I'm going to use Postmates. And I did. I did too. When you need red wine at 4 p.m., sushi at 9 p.m., a breakfast burrito at 8 a.m., and ibuprofen at 10 a.m., Postmates it. Postmates is your personal food delivery, grocery delivery, what kind of delivery, any kind of delivery you want service all year round. Anything you're craving, Postmates is your personal food delivery, grocery delivery, what kind of delivery, any kind of delivery you want, service all year round. Anything you're craving, Postmates can deliver. They're the largest on-demand network in the U.S. and offer delivery from all the restaurants, grocery and convenience stores, traditional retailers you could possibly want or need. 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Postmates will bring you what you need within the hour.

We were just in D.C. and New York, and that's all I did was Postmates will bring you what you need within the hour. We were just in D.C. and New York and that's all I did was Postmates. Instead of leaving the hotel and going, where's a good place to eat? I got some amazing Philly steaks in New York last night. It was amazing. You can download the app for iOS or Android for free. Browse local restaurants and businesses

and track your delivery in real time. Literally, 20 minutes after I ordered it, a box of sushi at my front door with a driver with a smile on his face. And for a limited time, Postmates is giving our listeners $100 of free delivery credit for your first seven days. To start your free deliveries, download the app and use the code KILTONI.

That's the code KILTONI for $100 of free delivery credit for your first seven days when you download the Postmates app. Anything you need, anytime you need it, Postmate it. Download Postmates and save with the code KILLTONY. Wow. There you go. And that's how we do it.

You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Here we are. The number one live podcast in the world on a Monday night. Every single episode we have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This week's absolutely no different. Truly, two of the funniest humans that I know. Make some noise for them. It's Tim Dillon and Mike Feeney, ladies and gentlemen.

Here we go. The party starts now. Mike Feeney, welcome. Tim Dillon is back. Thank you. Thank you. We are here. Thank you, sir.

Welcome back, Tim. Thank you. Welcome back as well to you. Thank you. You're an integral part of the show. Thank you. You're welcome. Indeed.

We'd do it without you. Thank you, Mike. This is Mike's first time on Kill Tony, everybody. Fresh from New York. Ate lunch next to Justin Bieber today. His debut album, Rage Against the Routine, is out now, available everywhere. He's the host of the Irish Goodbye podcast with Mike Cannon, available on Gas Digital. Tim Dillon's in Fort Worth this weekend.

Of course, the host of the hugely popular The Tim Dillon Show. I did not have lunch with Justin Bieber today. I think if Justin Bieber saw me in a restaurant, he'd have me removed. I don't know if that's a fact, but I imagine he would not be comfortable. Well, why have lunch next to Justin Bieber when you can Postmates?

Go to Postmates, use the promo code KILLTONY, get $100 of free delivery credit for your first seven days. That's KILLTONY, all one word, Postmates, use the promo code KILLTONY. Get $100 of free delivery credit for your first seven days. That's KILLTONY, all one word, Postmates. Postmate it and spend time with drug addicts you know. That's it. Yeah. Exactly. So you guys know the deal.

I don't know if you know this, though, Mike, since it's your first time on the show, but there is a band on this show. You guys like bands at all? How many of you out there are fans of the show and know where you're at right now? Okay, good. The band is an integral part of the show. We absolutely love them. Every single episode, they commit to being different

characters. We never have any idea beforehand what they're going to be. Maybe it's the return of some of the famous characters that we've seen before on the show. Maybe it's brand new characters making their debut. They stay in character throughout the show. Let's see what happens tonight. Make some noise for the best damn band in the land.

It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Chroma Chris, and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Here we go. Let's see what they are tonight. Let's find out all together, all at the same time right now. It's happening now. I'm sure they're coming out right

now because they're professional. Come on, maybe if you guys make some more noise, the band will come out. Here we go. Here we go. Oh! Oh! Wow. We've seen these young Here we go. Oh, wow.

We've seen these young ladies before. The Southern Bells are back, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. Look at this rugged one. Wow. Shoeless Jeremiah Watkins. Whoa, look at that. Southern Bells indeed. We've seen them before.

They were live in Seattle, Washington. Amazing to see you again. Remind me, sweet, sweet. Oh, wow, a little stumbling there from your guitar player. Remind me of what your name is there, Southern Bell. My name is Annabelle, and I'm so, so sorry. I apologize for us being late we were putting our faces on oh yes indeed looks like you still had some more work to do uh it's like we really rushed

you and then uh who's that uh sweet piece of apple pie next to you there my name is isabel tony isabel okay yes sir i think i'm sensing I think I'm sensing a theme over here. That must mean that this back here is Taco Bell. I was originally going to guess the bloated corpse of John Benet Ramsey, but... I'll make you run for the border, Tony. Oh, wow. Look at you. Ding dong.

Ding dong, indeed. We've seen enough of your ding dong lately. So welcome Taco Bell to the episode. So we have Southern Bells with us. We have Tim Dillon. We have Mike Feeney. We have Brian's Crazy Soundboard. Which brings me to this, the Bucket of Destiny. Ladies and gentlemen. You know how it works. You know what happens.

On this show, a bunch of people before the show sign up. Maybe it's an audience member who's a fan that's been preparing for years for this opportunity. Maybe it's a veteran comedian that's been doing it 10 years and is here to showcase their skills and get discovered at the world famous comedy store. Could be any

shape or size of anyone. The point is they get 60 seconds uninterrupted and then we talk to them about their lives afterwards. Maybe find out more interesting stuff about them. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. That's it. You guys ready to start this motherfucker or what?

We're live from the Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip for episode 400 and something of Kill Tony. My goodness gracious. You can feel the tension in the air. Look at beat up Tony. You look like Daenerys Targaryen if she was a Trump supporter. All right. Yes, she does. I don't like anything south of the wall.

All right. Pulled a name out of the bucket, and the show will begin with the comedy stylings of Shana Rabani. Rabani. Shana Rabani. Here we go. Shana.

I think that's him right there. I feel like a man without a woman. Is that Shana walking towards the stage? Heck yeah. There she is. Pure momentum. Heck yeah. Absolutely.

You make me feel like a man who loves a woman. One more time for Shayna Rabini. Hi, guys. Oh, begin. Okay. Hi, guys. How are you all doing? Whoa.

Okay, I actually don't care. I recently started seeing someone. Yeah, a therapist. Yeah, a massage therapist. Who doubles as my counselor. Anyone will do anything if you pay them enough. She wrote that joke.

I recently gave my dog some CBD and now he's hooked, so I gotta take him to counseling. It's cool. We see the same counselor and he pays half my co-pay. It works out. I was recently in Ohio. I learned never say that I'm Jewish on stage.

They don't like it. Do you know my dad could buy this place? Like I could just call him and then we'd get you kicked out. And while I was at it, I would make myself headliner. Hell yeah. Shayna Rabany. Rabany? Rabany?

Shayna, stay right there. Grab that mic. Yeah, this is the part of the show where we talk with you about your life and about exactly what the fuck just happened. Okay. But first, let's check in with the lovely Annabelle. Honey, all of our fathers could buy this place. These are rich southern women, Shana.

Are you sure it was your religion that the Ohio crowd had an issue with? You know, you're right. I'm not sure. I asked them, though. I do ask them after. What does your dad do for a living? Do you want to guess? Investments? Yeah, take care of you. There you go.

What's the actual answer? His investments. Property. That's right. Property. Wow, look at that. I don't think that's the right race, though. What ethnicity are you? Do you want to guess? We are not going to fucking guess.

Answer the questions. Jesus Christ. Are you Sephardic? You look like maybe Sephardic Jewish. No, so I'm Mexican, Persian, Jewish. You're Jewish, Mexican, Persian. That's exactly what you're going to say. That is fucking L.A. in. Jewish. You're a Jewish, Mexican, Persian. That's exactly what you're going to say. That is fucking L.A. in one person. Are you also Armenian?

Because that's the whole fucking bag right there. No, but I'm from Ohio. Okay. What part of Ohio? Columbus. Columbus, Ohio. Well, I'm from Toledo, but I've been in Columbus for the past. Bexley.

Oh, okay. And what army surplus goodwill did you get that past. Bexley. Oh, okay. And what army surplus goodwill did you get that dress out of, honey? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. In LA. How long have you lived in Los Angeles, Shayna? I've been living here for three years. Three years. And how long have you been

attempting stand-up comedy? Six months. Six months. Six months. Hell yeah. You're taking notes. Yep. Yep.

You should probably do the same thing at some point. At any point in the six months that you've been doing this. I would have brought my notes. I had no idea. Wow. You seemed a little nervous. Yeah, absolutely. You were new.

You had jokes. Does that ever stop? It does. It does. It does. Okay. Yeah. So, was the last, with the Jewish father thing, was that just like a threat because you weren't going well or was that going to be a joke

at some point? No, what's weird is like most of my jokes lead into longer sets. Like a minute, that's hard. Wait a minute, what's a longer set there? You just start breaking down your dad's tax returns? Yeah. You're like, alright, you poor pigs in Ohio. Yeah.

Here's what appreciated and what depreciated. Okay? Roth IRA. Ever heard of it? Sorry you live in a deindustrialized hell. Do you have a job, Shana? What do you do for work? Nope.

What? I do not. She devotes all her time to comedy. Yeah, I do. I really do. Is that really true? Yes. Oh, boy.

Wow. I should work a little harder. Dad pays all your bills? Well, when I was in law school, dad did. Right. Oh, so you're a fucking lawyer? No, no, I was going to go to law school. Oh.

When I decided not to, he stopped paying. Oh, because you said you were in law school. Right, like when I was going to be in law school. Oh. When I decided not to, we stopped paying. Oh, because you said you were in law school. Right, like when I was going to be in law school, but then when I decided not to do that. How long was the period you were going to be in law school? Did you get in? Summer. I was waitlisted. Okay.

So what happened? I was like, I want to do comedy instead. Wow. What made you want to do this? Did someone tell you that you're funny? Nope. I mean, how could they have possibly? Nope.

Quite the opposite. What made you want to do this? What made me want to do this? Was there a special or something you saw? You were watching Netflix one day and then you saw something. Schumer. No, I turned 25. I had to pay for my own insurance.

And you said this was cheap? Stand-up comedy is how I'm going to pay for insurance. Cheaper than therapy. No! I can get on stage and talk about problems. Oh, so you switched therapy for this? Yes. Oh, yeah, that always ends well.

Shout out to Brody Stevens. Why would you do this? Shout out to our good friend Brody and Robin Williams and all the greats. Relax. They were funny. Come on. Wake up, audience. This is gold.

Damn right. It's a real sleepy audience out there. There we go. So when you went to law school, dad was paying the bills. Now he's not paying the bills. So how do you survive? That's a great question. She's definitely more Persian than Jewish.

Where do you live in L.A.? Do you live in like one of those tents? Yeah, yeah. No, it's actually, I moved to, I've been living in Columbus for the past few months. Uh-huh. And it's a little cheaper there. Columbus where? Ohio.

Okay, so you're lying. No, no, no. It's very confusing. It is confusing to people with ears. I was living here for about, for about. This is a Netflix documentary. This isn't a question and answer. I was living here for three years.

Yes, and then Daddy said, no, no. Yeah, he was like, you know, you have some choices. You can start working for the family. What part of Columbus and what's the business? What part of Columbus do you live in? Red Band. That's so scary. I live.

Red Band wants to get a job in Ohio. Like what street? He's like, does the family need people? Where? Like right by campus. High Street? Yeah. That's where campus is, Brian. So your parents aren't that rich if they live on campus.

No, my parents live here. So what made you move to Columbus, Ohio? Your parents banished you? Yes, they banished me. I was dating somebody for a while out there. I was like, okay, I'm going to come visit you. You were dating? Yes. They banished me. I was dating somebody for a while out there. And I was like, okay, I'm going to come visit you. You were dating?

You were in L.A. and you decided to date a guy from Columbus, Ohio? For what? Free vapes? So every choice you've ever made has been terrible. That's why you're... It's true. I think we're finding this out. I'm hoping that people, even if they don't laugh at my comedy, they'll be able to laugh at my life choices, right?

You should talk about this shit on stage and that would be comedy. I do. Do you really think your father could buy this place? If you had to guess your father's net worth

round about plus or minus 10 million, what would you guess? His net worth? Yeah, sure. You are bad at questions. Yeah, I'm bad at math. No, no, no.

I could never guess that. What are you good at? What are you good at in this world? Not being likable. Do you have any special skills or talents? You can like juggle or something like that? I can speak a few languages. What languages do you speak?

I can't. Spanish. Wow, so you're basic in three languages? Spanish. Wow, so you're basic in three languages? I'm trying to save you up here, Shaina. We're trying to help you. They told me. They warned me.

They're like, you know, they're not. They're going to, like, roast. I'm like, wait, what? Like, yeah, it's kind of, like, mean up there. I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought this was, like, supportive. Not for everybody. Not for everybody, Shaina.

It just depends on how everything goes. I'm still curious about your dad's net worth. Plus or minus $10 million. There's no way you could get this wrong. How rich do you think your dad is? $10 million? $80 million? $300 million?

There has to be a ballpark here. I have no idea. Okay, well then he definitely can't buy this place. Just to make sure that that's a known thing. Just so that nobody ever says that dumb shit again. This is a goddamn historical landmark with a century of history

riding through it. I just don't like it. That joke does better when I'm in Ohio. It was so... It wasn't Jewish of you. It was so Persian of you to say something like that. My ethnicity is they fight with each other. It's an internal battle all day long. Of course.

Well, Shaina, this is going to toughen you up for sure. I guarantee you you're funnier after tonight, 100%. Thank you. I appreciate it. Good luck. One more time for Shaina Ravini, everybody. There she goes. You make me feel You make me feel

You make me feel like a potential lover woman woman Yeah. Ohio is not that bad also, guys. December 12th,

we're in Columbus, Ohio. Right down the street from her. Two days later in Pittsburgh and then Cleveland. Tickets are moving fast. Good old one word name. We like one word names on the show. Always interesting

characters. Make some noise for Orlando everyone. Wow. Right from the front. Eat me a lot of peaches. Eat me a lot of peaches. Orlando everyone. All right. Thank you. I got a fan. There's. Orlando, everyone. Orlando! Thank you.

I got a fan. So there's two things I love. The English language and the weird way we spell shit. And fucking with people. And I like to combine those two things. For example, I had to call and update my insurance. I was talking to some guy from India, wherever the fuck we're contracting our workout to these days.

He's like, absolutely, sir. I could help you with that. Just give me your license plate number. I was like, yeah, sure thing. It's 8, K as in night, G as in nap, P as in psychosis, 3-3-2. I'm so sorry, sir. Can you repeat that? Yeah, sure thing. It's 8, K as in knee, G as in gnome, P as in pneumonic, 3-3-2. Sir, I am so sorry. Can you repeat that one? Jesus Christ, Rajesh. This is English. Figure it out. It's 8, K as in knuckle. G as in narrow. P as in pterodactyl. 3-3-2.

You got it? Yes, sir. I think I got it now. That is eight. K as in kill. G as in gutless. And P as in prick. 3-3-2. I was like, settle down, Kumar. And yeah, that's right.

That's all I got. Wow, nailed the time on that. Orlando clearly specializing in timing there. Exactly 60 seconds worth of a set. Just seems like you were an asshole to that guy on the phone. Yeah, I was kind of...

He had it coming. I hope your father is also rich. Yeah. No had it coming. Yeah. I hope your father is also rich. No, unfortunately not. Orlando, you came from the audience. Is this your first time doing comedy? This is my second time. Oh, okay. Very cool.

When did you start? When was the first time? A few weeks ago at the store in La Jolla. Oh, very cool. How'd that go for you? Not too bad. Yeah. Yeah.

I like that you're just doing the best venues in the States. That's it. You know, you're like, I'll just, you know, I'm just shooting for the top. Yeah,

I get it. That's right. But this Staples Center next week, this place, this isn't that special of a place that could get bought by some Persian dude. I guess so. Whose net worth is mysterious and unknown. Heck yeah.

So Orlando, how old are you? I am 40. Wow. Look at that. You got that fucking, that youthful, what, you're Mexican? That's racist. No, I'm Puerto Rican. No, calling an Indian guy on the phone Kumar is racist, my friend.

That is a very common Indian name. You son of a bitch. Me guessing that a Mexican-looking guy is Mexican is not racist at all. Yeah, I would have guessed your name is Miami, not Orlando. That would have been my... Mike Feeney. That was not that clever. I mean, seriously. I mean, it was better than anything you just said.

Oh! Oh! The king of clever Orlando judging people now. That's what I do. I love it. So you're 40 years old. What do you do for work? I'm an archaeologist, and I moonlight as a Lyft driver.

You're really an archaeologist? I really am. Where do you do that at? What do you do? I do that in the... This is the Jurassic Park theme. It's always good when someone mentions... I'd have preferred the Indiana Jones theme song,

but that worked. There you go. Here's a little indie for you then. We have it all queued up. There you go, Indiana Jones. That's the song. That's the best part of the song to play, the first ten seconds.

So where do you do archaeology at? I work in the Inyo National Forest, which is on the backside of the Sierra Nevada mountain range just south of Mammoth Mountain. Wow, that's beautiful. You find a lot of cool shit out there? A lot of cool shit. A lot of prehistoric Native American artifacts. A lot of early American historics.

Wow, look at that. What's the craziest thing you ever found out there? We find rock art. We find old arrowheads. Not jokes. Oh. Jesus. There you go. Sit down, buddy. It's okay. Wow. Look There you go. Sit down, buddy. It's okay.

Wow. Look at you guys. So that's fun. You've been doing that for your whole life, pretty much? About five years. Oh, okay. What were you doing before that? I was in the military.

Shout out to all my veterans. Hey, look at that. On Veterans Day. I love that. That's so cool. Heck yeah. What branch were you in? Navy. Ah, I see. Did you serve overseas? I was

in Guam, so yeah, I was overseas. What was your answer there? You did serve overseas? I was in Guam, so yeah, I was overseas, but I wasn't in the desert. You know our war in Guam? Huge problems out there. We had to really stifle. A lot of ISIS popping up in Guam. Especially out there in the Navy. It must have been so hard out there. We had to really stifle. A lot of ISIS popping up in Guam.

Especially out there in the Navy. It must have been so hard out there just on the beaches of Guam. It was rough. I tell you, snorkeling out there is no joke. And you know about no jokes. So, Orlando, any fun hobbies? Or what do you do for fun when you're not doing comedy or digging for bones? I'm outdoorsy.

I like to hike, shit like that. Hike, shit like that. Read, I'm an avid reader, world traveler. What's the last book you read? I read The 14 Lives of Harry something or other. Potter? Not Potter. Just a guess.

I think Harry's only lived once, as far as I know. What do I know? When was the last time you sunk your teeth into a juicy peach? Ooh, good question. Good question. I don't know. A year? Orlando, face the audience.

You're going full tilt. My, my, my. You have a girlfriend? No. Hello there. I might after this, though. I'll tell you that. What would you do if you had 10 minutes alone

with this beautiful Annabelle sitting behind you? Definitely doggy style. Whoa, look at that. Wow. But somehow you would still be the bitch. I love it, Orlando. As long as your face is down on the pillow, you can call me whatever you want. I'll tell you this, man.

You're doing it. You enjoy yourself. You have fun up here. You like it. The nerves, the excitement. I was more nervous than I thought I'd be. Stumbled through that little set, but not too bad. Well, but you're doing it, man.

And if you enjoy it, that's what it's all about. Congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Orlando, everybody. There he goes. Hell yeah. Let's keep moving along.

Let's keep this fun train rolling All night long Make some noise for your next comedian He goes by the name of Ryan Joseph Ryan Joseph Here we go Feel this way My girl, my girl, my girl

Talking about my girl My girl One more time, my girl Talking about my girl, my girl One more time for Ryan Joseph, everybody. In third grade, my teacher caught me cheating, but I swear I was always faithful to her. I'm not going to send dick pics to girls anymore, just women. Do you guys remember when we used to take showers with our parents? It's such a weird way to learn how to shave.

It's such a weird way to learn how to shave. My friend called me this morning. He was like, hey man, I can't stop thinking about those Mexican kids in cages. I was like, yeah, that was a crazy party last night. I was molested when I was in summer camp. The guy said he would kill my family if I ever told anyone. So I told someone right away.

Wow. Look at that. Ryan Joseph. Ryan Joseph. That was incredible. Some young lady earlier told me that it was impossible to be funny in a minute. And meanwhile, you found a way to squeeze in eight hard-hitting punchlines in 60 seconds. You saved the show.

Oh, thank you. Ryan, how long have you been doing stand-up? Eight months. Wow, look at you. Ryan, how long have you been doing stand-up? Eight months. Wow, look at you. Eight months. Let's check in with Annabelle over there. And how long have you looked like a steamy Confederate war monument? Here, take a step back.

Stand right between Annabelle and Tim Dillon there so we can all see each other here. You remind me of my sister. Oh, shit. That means he's going to fuck the shit out of you. I already know Ryan Joseph's style. I know where you're going with that one, Ryan. I'm ahead of you. I like your brand,

dude. So eight months in the game. That's fucking awesome. How old are you, Ryan? 35. 35. Beautiful age to be right now in this wonderful world. That's great awesome how old are you ryan uh 35 35 beautiful age to be right now in this wonderful world uh that's great and what do you do for work i'm an instructional designer wow what does that mean like i build courses online you know if you ever had to take like a uh orientation course at your work you take it on a computer and uh that's what this kind of stuff I build.

That's awesome. Hell yeah. That's so great. And what made you want to start doing stand-up comedy eight months ago? What made you make the switch at 35? I don't know. I just started doing it.

I just woke up, and I was doing it. Hey, wow. Look at that. Sounds like you're defending yourself in court. Yeah. It's like the plot defending yourself in court. Yeah. It's like the plot from the movie Big. Did you go to one of those Zoltar fortune teller machines before this or something? Yeah.

I was just like, holy shit, I'm doing comedy. You suffer from sleepwalking. Is that a problem that you have? Yeah. I just woke up and I was like, I'm going to keep doing this. I don't know why, but I'm going to keep doing it. Wow, I love it. What do you do for fun when you're

not doing instructional design or whatever that is? Yeah, it's not fun. How about hobbies or anything like that? You seem like a guy that likes to fucking wear birthday hats on days when it isn't your birthday. What? Yeah.

I really just spend a lot of time writing and going to mics. Sometimes I'll hang out with my girlfriend. Oh, wow. How long have you two been dating? Yeah, how long have you two been dating? We've been dating like 18 months, I think. Wow, you count by the month, huh?

Yeah, yeah. Look at you, a loyal soldier indeed. Where'd you meet her at? I met her in Florida. Orlando? I met... It was a classic boy meets girl story. In an AA meeting.

Oh, look at that. How long are you sober? I haven't had a drink in like seven years. Congrats. Seven. Do you smoke weed? No, I'm totally, totally clear. You're not like L.A. sober where you're on ayahuasca right now? Mushrooms on the weekends?

I'm pretty addicted to just like being totally just clear. And it's like a drug for me almost now just to be like. Well, it seems like it is, yeah. Yeah, I have a couple friends that got sober and they keep getting more addicted to that feeling of getting clearer and clearer. Like, they'll go no sugar. They'll go keto. They'll do all these things. Or then you go back to heroin.

It's a fun circle. Yeah, you fall hard. What was the drug of choice? Was it just alcohol? No, it starts when you're, like, smoking weed, and then all of a sudden you're snorting oxys off a hooker. It is a gateway drug. Fuck! No, no.

I was, um... I got into, like, everything, but at the end, it was just pills. Right. Painkillers. Yeah. You were doing a lot. How much money is worth a day of painkillers at your worst? Those pills got expensive, man.

They were, like, $20 a pill. So I never could afford that much. Usually just one or two. That's why we need healthcare. Yep. I love it, man. I love it. Does your girlfriend ever go see you perform?

Does she come to any of your shows? Yeah, she comes once in a while. But a lot of my jokes are about her. And so she gets kind of weirded out when I talk about it. Hell yeah. How did you talk about me all night? Yeah.

There you go, Annabelle. What's something crazy about you that we'd be shocked to know? A fun fact about Ryan Joseph in your life or your upbringing or anything like that? I used to write erotica. Whoa. Yeah.

Wow. My number one bestseller is Sucking Mr. Spencer. Oh, my God. What's a highlight, if you could give us a couple lines that you remember of that? It's about a guy that he's in the closet, and his roommate, his womanizer roommate, takes him home for Thanksgiving. And then he wakes up one night, and he goes to the fridge and he sees like Mr. Spencer on the porch smoking a cigar and he goes out there and he Mr. Spencer could see

that he's like really gay inside and he and he and he makes him like blow him on the porch while he's smoking a cigar. Are you writing this right now? Tony, I don't know. Did you see Tim's body language right now? He sat back and really listened. I was really enjoying that. I thought it was going to come to a very fun holiday conclusion.

It's my best seller. Tim just pulled a cigar and a lighter out of his pocket. Tim spread his legs. I don't know if you can see, but they are. It gets you going. Where could we find that if we wanted to? I'm asking as a joke. On Amazon.

Okay. Wow. And one more time. What's it called? Sucking off Mr. Spencer? Sucking Mr. Spencer. I wrote a lot of gay erotica. Oh, wow.

Because it sells the most. Oh, interesting. Yeah, girls read it too. Seems like you're hiding a pretty significant life issue that he got. I know. Wow, we found it. Wow, it's got two ratings. Four stars.

Yeah, that's from his mom and his dad trying to support him. Wow, it's got two ratings, four stars. That's from his mom and his dad trying to support him. Oh, my God. Look at this. It got some good reviews. Keisha says, a very short and hot story. I love older men with younger men. Delicious.

Only four stars on that one. That was from 2018. July 7, 2015, the letter L said, I like the older, younger type of relationship, so this hits the spot for me. Solid writing, too. And straight to the point, haha. Wish it was longer, though.

I bet you do. These gay men always wish it was longer, you know what I'm saying? All right, Ryan. Well, I mean, unbelievable set. Fucking perfect interview. Just absolutely great. Incredible. Oh, wow.

How do we hear it? Yeah. Hold on one second. My girl. He's on Instagram at RealRyanJoseph, by the way. All one word. And we were able to actually find there is an audible there is an audible there is an audible

audible sample. This is from the book. Alright, I think we already got environment. Anyways, it was a long and long time. I much rather would have stayed in the I think we already got the good part. You guys having fun? You understand how the show works? There you go. That was great. That's the first time we've ever

even seen Ryan Joseph. Ryan, you gotta come back. Keep signing up. We want to see more of you. Wow. And just like that, the bucket of destiny never really disappoints. This is a wild one. This guy, actually, we brought him up on stage two weeks ago because he's a legend

on this show. Can't wait to see a new minute and get a quick interview in with one of the dark forces of the history of this show. Ladies and gentlemen, when I present to you the one and only Ichabod. Wow. This is incredible.

Here he is. He's got stuff with him. This is legendary. Ichabod, what's going on? What happened? It's a debacle over here. One more time for Ichabod, what's going on? What happened? It's a debacle over here. One more time for Ichabod, ladies and gentlemen. Holy cow.

Hey, everyone. This is crazy or what? Wow, a lot of you are really surprised right now. They think I'm, hey, what the hell is Mick Mars, the guitarist of Motley Crue, doing here on Kill Tony? Hey, I just moved recently and it's a really nice house. It's so fancy. I took a shower, right? And it's mirrors on every wall. And I got in. I scared myself half to death three times in three seconds. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. Hey, my uncle Ron does a lot of crazy shit. One time we were, he takes me to all these shows, right?

And after the show, the stars come out to meet me. And I'm like, what the hell is Uncle Ron saying to all these people to get me out right into the show? And oh, I'm out of time. Thank you, everyone. Wow, Ichabod, a legend on this show. Hell yeah. So you, let me guess guess You took a bus trip

From Las Vegas today Yeah How much was the bus trip? A dollar One dollar This guy is able to find This is no joke How is that possible?

Were you driving the bus? How is that possible? Ichabod I never get why you take a bus Can't you just turn into a bat And fly here? You creepy fuck You dead kid rock looking

Mother fucker Oh my goodness Wow It is nice to see the ghost You creepy fuck. You dead kid rock looking motherfucker. Oh my goodness. It is nice to see the ghost of my favorite groundskeeper here tonight. Ichabod, you look better than ever. What have you been eating and drinking lately? I had a cupcake. You had a cupcake today? Where'd you get a cupcake from?

Oh, my memory is so bad. I bet it is, dude. A cupcake's the healthiest thing you've eaten in a long time. I pulled it out of my lunchbox. Oh, you had a lunchbox. Look at you. Yeah. Hell yeah.

What else was in the lunchbox? Oh, that was to eat, but it's right there. Human hearts? So, Ichabod, we were saddened to find out, yeah, there is a real lunchbox there. That is pretty frightening. We were saddened to find out about the loss of another Vegas Kill Tony legend, Uncle Ron. Is there anything else in it?

Yeah. Oh, okay. What else is in the lunchbox? Can you legally show us? It's a human hand. Oh, wow. Look at that. Oh, it's just his phone, which is somehow scarier than anything else. I don't know why his phone

and charger terrifies me more. What was that you just pulled out? Is that a little flashlight? A toothbrush. Well, you gotta have it. Yeah, might as well start now, I guess, you know? What is that leopard case? Oh, it's all the cards. Oh, all the business

cards? I am shocked that you use a toothbrush. This is incredible, Ichabod. It's for his shoes. Yeah. I love it, Ichabod. We love your spirit on this show. You are a wild man. I don't think you've ever really

destroyed with your set, but you're always a fun interview. You always tee us up and you're a big fan of the show. Oh, yeah. Any other big breaking news in your life that you want to share with this amazing audience at the World Famous Comedy Store? I mean, you took a fucking long $1 bus trip today. You might as well get it out of your system.

Oh, I don't even know where to start. I got my raise at the dive bar, so every Labor Day I get to drink a beer while I work. Wow. That's your raise. Look at you. Sometimes it's the simple things in life. There's been a lot of talk about one time.

You told me to bring this up on stage. Now if you want to talk about this one-time only show that we were talking about of Kill Ichabod. You're already dead, dude. Who talked about this? Just me and a bunch of other people. Oh. Yeah. Okay.

So what's... And I'm like, yeah, but let me ask Tony first. Oh, you're asking me if you could do a show in Las Vegas called Kill Ichabod where you do what we do here, but it's you hosting the show. What the fuck is going on? We'd like you to be the band though if you want to. Oh, I'd love to. I could take a $1 bus trip out to Vegas

and absolutely that sounds like a goddamn dream. I mean, I've been doing all this traveling but to get on a bus filled with other people that took a $1 bus trip from Los Angeles to Las Vegas and then get to be part of the band on a show in which I basically created

with my brain. How could you turn this down, Tony? I mean, this is just the opportunity. Do I get to use your toothbrush if I come out there? Use everything in that box. Wow, that's great. I need to charge my phone, so I'm excited about that. Here's the thing, though. I feel like you have the most

teeth of anybody on that dollar bus, if I had to guess. There are a lot of people that creeped you out on the bus? Any wild characters today? No, but I did get on the Los Angeles bus. Yeah, so have you. What did you see?

There was someone who wanted to bring us trash or something on the bus. He got kicked off, and there was someone who got in an argument. They got kicked off. I'm like, well, this is pretty fun. Oh, yeah. Did your parents name you Ichabod, or is that just a thing you did? No, the locals in Las Vegas started calling me that at the zombie apocalypse bar. Oh.

And that kind of stuck. They started calling it that after he started going. What's your given name? the zombie apocalypse bar. Oh. And then it kind of stuck. They started calling it that after he started going. What's your given name? Well, like, what's your name that you were born with? Do you remember? What's your actual... This is the question is... You don't remember your actual name.

The question is, what's your actual... Just your first name. Craig. Craig? Oh, my God. Interesting. Interesting. Craig?

Oh my god Interesting Somehow Craig is scarier Yeah Craig is scarier Than Ichabod Ichabod you at least Know what you get

Ichabod I'm like Of course If you sat down And you're like I'm Craig I'm like We're gonna have a problem Yeah

You got bodies In your walls Yeah I don't know why Well Ichabod I'm gonna tell you Right now straight up That's know why. Well, Ichabod, I'm going to tell you right now, straight up, that's a big no to kill Ichabod in Las Vegas. But I do love your spirit, and I love that you had the balls to ask. Let's check in with Annabelle.

He looks like the actual Craig from Craig's List. Hey. There you go. Ichabod, you got lucky tonight. That's so cool that you signed up and got pulled out of the bucket. Wouldn't have it any other way. We love you, man. We love you on this show.

You're a legend. Can I touch the bucket? You want to touch the bucket? This is, well, I guess so. Sure, touch the bucket, Ichabod. Wow, that's really cool. There you go. Yep, you see it?

There you go. Ichabod, everybody. Getting a little scary there at the end. What is that microphone? There you go. We now have the first ever audience, Mike, in the history of Kill Tony. I hope that like a live rat just crawls out of the bucket. Oh, oh.

All right. Pulled another name out. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Jesse Gregg, everyone. Jesse Gregg. Hey. Jesse Gregg. Greg. Hey! Jesse Greg. Looks like we got a...

Not seeing any movement here. We got blacklisted. No Jesse Greg. What happened there? It's a goddamn shame. They're probably in the belly room waiting to get called up on a different show. That'll never happen. Pulled another name shame. They're probably in the belly room waiting to get called up on a different show. That'll never happen. Pulled another name out. How about Adam Sheba? Sheba?

Adam Sheba. Back corner. Here we go. Here comes Adam. He's got a good steady pace going. Hey, hey. She looks like a lady. One more time for Adam, everybody.

What's up, guys? All right, so I'm bald. I'm bald. I'm good with it now. I'm good with it. The ironic thing about me being bald, though, is I really don't like other bald people. You know what I mean? They feel like they know me.

And they always say the weirdest things every time they see me. Looks like we got the same haircut. I will murder you where you stand, sir. Talk to me like that. Let me switch it up real quick. Fellas, you ever get a head so good you felt like braiding the chick's hair while you're doing it? You deserve some Allen Iverson braids today you know that

that's it appreciate y'all there you go in and out with 20 seconds to spare Adam Sheebo I thought I had it timed out I was a little bit off with the timing there you probably allowed time for laughter to happen when you were practicing.

That happens sometimes on this show. Adam, how long have you been doing stand-up? About seven years. Seven years? Yeah. Wow. There you go. That's a minute right there.

Oh, my God. Seven years. All of it here in Los Angeles? It started in Miami, the Improv Coconut Grove, before they opened. I wanted to wrap. How long have you been in L.A.? About three years. Three years.

What do you do for work? I'm a bellman, so I take luggage up and down at the Dream Hollywood Hotel. Wow. Look at that. How long have you been doing that for? There's one person clapping. He likes luggage. He likes luggage.

I've been in hospitality for like eight years. Bellman at this hotel, they just opened up two and a half years ago, but I've been there since the start. That's cool. How long have you been calling it hospitality? That's kind of what the industry is, but yeah, it's fun. It's all right. Pays the bills.

Right, right. You ever see anything crazy during your time as a bellman? I used to work the overnight shift, 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. So, obviously, they throw a couple parties there. So, I've seen people streak through the lobby. People just get fucked up, fight, you know, random stuff like that. Right. What do you do for fun when you're not doing that?

Let's see. Hiking uh what the fuck is when did hiking become an answer again beach i like to go to the beach read every now and then uh run a comedy room stuff like that nice uh-huh you have a girlfriend yeah how long you been with her uh about two two and a half years. Where'd you guys meet? It was, let's see, we met at a Memorial Day party, like a cookout. Did you hook up that night when you first met her? Nah, nah, I tried, but it didn't go down like that. As bad as I wanted, respect levels went up a little bit, though. Turns out you had to put in a little more time. Right, right.

More than 40 seconds. Right. Let's check in with Annabelle. Has she ever given you a head so good you stopped braiding her hair? I knew I shouldn't have told her. Yeah, maybe. Let's just say I have a couple sets of braids. Oh, look at that.

It looks good. It looks good. Look at that. What's your living situation, Adam? Girlfriend and I live together. Oh, that's cool. Baldwin Hills. What does she do for work?

She's a PR rep that places jewelry on celebrities for red carpet events and stuff like that. Very cool. Very cool. And what ethnicity are you? Black and white. Tasty. Black and white. Black dad, white you? Black and white. Tasty. Black and white. Black dad, white mom?

Yes, yes. Are they still together? No. No. When did they separate? How old were you when they separated? I imagine after conception, right? When did your dad leave? Man,

it was a while back. I was young. Can't remember the traumatizing memory. Well, not to bum everybody out. He got murdered when I was like eight. That doesn't bum me out. It's not. That's actually the most interesting thing you've said.

Thank God we got to the murder. I'm glad somebody got killed up here. Memorial Day cookouts. Jesus fucking Christ. How did he get it? He was shot. He was shot.

Okay. Do you know why he was shot? Gang violence and he was a pimp and all that stuff so it just caught up to him. Yeah. All of this is

wildly interesting and I wish please talk about this. I should. No one cares that you're bald. Your dad was a fucking awesome guy. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Your dad did cool shit. He lived cool. He died cool. Talk about that. Stand between Annabelle and Tim Dillon. What does your mom do? Is she one of his hoes? I think she... Bell and Tim Dillon. What does your mom do? Is she one of his hoes? Yeah. I think she, I mean,

she had me when she was about 13. Wow. Stop owing. Tony, it's pronounced who-as. Oh, okay. She had you at 13. Yeah, I mean, when I was growing up, I'm 32, when I was growing up

she was stripping, but now she's a personal trainer at the gym, so she got to turn things. She's still younger than you somehow. Yeah, and she's still doing stuff at the gym for some side cash. Right. And there's nothing wrong with that. Right. Works a little extra hard on those squats. Yeah.

She's a squatty-thotty. All right. This is good shit. This is the shit those squats. Yeah. She's a squatty-thotty. All right. This is good shit. This is the shit. Yeah. Yeah. I got to say, it's really dope being up here with you guys. I've been putting the name in the bucket for a minute,

so I'm honored to be on this stage with everybody. You've got good presence. I want to listen to what you say. You have awesome presence. But if you talked about your fucking awesome family, we'd be more invested. Right. It's funny.

I saw Tony at a Popeye's on Sunset because I work. I work like right over there. Of course you did. And. Bacon soda. Swords of the Apollo 13. Who's your motherfucking boy? That's goddamn right.

That's me. I was going to come up and say hi, but he looked so pissed about the chicken sandwich. I was like, you know what? I'm just waiting for another day. What do you mean I was pissed about the chicken sandwich? Right. I was in heaven that day. What do you mean I was pissed?

I don't know. There was an aura that you were frustrated with something that was going on. Was I in line? You were in line. I was fucking starving. That was the problem. Are you kidding me? I waited 45 minutes for that fucking chicken sandwich.

I was there with, you might not even know this, but I was there with, I'm not going to lie, I'm the one that braided Annabelle's hair. I was actually there with Jeremiah Watkins that day. After that sweet, sweet head. Jeremiah had no idea about that Popeye's chicken sandwich. You were there just having lunch? Yeah, I was on lunch break. It was a dream hotel.

And you got the spicy chicken sandwich that afternoon. Yeah, all day. Were you behind us or in front of us? I was behind. And you still got one? They ran out very soon after us. They had to put posters up that said they ran out. I got one.

Very good. In memory of his father. Yeah, exactly. They're like, we're out, sir. You're like, come good. In memory of his father. Yeah, exactly. They're like, we're out, sir. You're like, come on. My dad was murdered when I was a kid. He was a pimp. They're like, all right.

He brought the chicken sandwich to the grave and just left it there. Poured out some sweet tea. Come on. All right. If you can't get laughs out of a dead guy, then what are we doing? Why are we here?

Tim Dillon is incorrigible. Heck, yeah. You just see a black pimp hand come out of the grave, just grab the sandwich and just take it back down. He just slaps the chicken sandwich. All right, Adam. Well, so much fun to meet you, man. Congratulations.

This is your first time on the show, and we'll see you again soon. Thank you. He's on social media, at Adam Sheba. All one word, S-C-H-I-E-B-A. How about a hand for the band up here killing it tonight? Brand new songs every single episode. They work their asses off each night practicing before the show.

Okay, this looks like fun. I can't remember whether we've ever had this on before or not, but this is exciting. All one word. Soccer mom. Soccer mom. Is this real? Wow.

Here comes soccer Mom, everybody. Hey. Come on, make some noise for Soccer Mom, everybody. That's my Elizabeth Warren entrance, you guys. That says I'm old, but I still have energy. Whoo! I am old. Actually, I am old as fuck.

Yep. I just learned that from my kids. Yeah. Turns out, as fuck is a brand new way to say as can be. It works for everything. Like, you can be hot as fuck or cold as fuck. So versatile. And it used to be a bad word, but now I can say it anywhere.

Like, now I can just go into Whole Foods and be all, this place is expensive as fuck. Wow. Wow. Wow. Killer! Stand right over there, right between Jeremiah and Tim there. Stand right over there. Help her out there, Annabelle.

Great fucking job. Yeah, that was incredible. I think you're the future of comedy. And the present and the past. You are absolutely awesome soccer mom. Is that what I should call you? Soccer mom? We're sticking with that? Okay, I've been putting my name since you guys have been

in the belly room. And this is the first time I put in soccer mom instead of my name. I don't know how that could change anything. What's your actual name? Cheryl. You just sign up as Cheryl every week? You're like the first white woman that had to struggle.

So you've been here every Monday for years, signing up, and you've never gotten pulled out of the bucket? I'm between here and Minnesota. Maybe it's the Minnesota part of why the bucket odds. I was at the show in Minnesota too when you guys were in Minneapolis. And you didn't get pulled there either, huh? Well, look at that. Destiny is a funny way of working out. You finally got it

and you absolutely destroyed. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About 12 years, but I waited until my youngest was out of school so about seven. How many kids do you have? Two.

Two kids. You ever been with a black guy? Wow, straight to the meat and potatoes back there. I got to know. Oh, my goodness. Yeah? Whoa, you have. Oh, my God. Look at that.

She found the one in Minnesota, I guess. Wow. Jeez Louise. What was that like? Just a date when you were younger? You single now? No, I'm married 35 years. Oh, okay.

Wow. Was he a black eye? Was he a pimp? My goodness. Notice how her hair is not braided. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. hair is not braided.

Uh-oh. So 35 years of marriage. What does your husband do? He's an engineer. An engineer. And you've been doing stand-up and he supports you in your endeavors to do that? Yep. Heck yeah. You can stay out as late as you want, babe. Just don't fuck another black guy.

I think that's Minnesota law. Isn't it? Yeah. You can stay out as late as you want, babe. Just don't fuck another black guy. I think that's Minnesota law, isn't it? Unless it's one of the Timberwolves, then it's okay. He was a basketball player. He was a basketball player? Wow, look at that. That is incredible. That's something for your Kill Tony bingo cards right there. Wow. Was he a pro basketball player? No.

No. He didn't make it to the bingo. That's okay. What do you like to do for fun? You know, I just love stand-up. I'm out here. I'm taking classes at UCB. Oh, okay.

All right, cool. Heck yeah. I don't even think you need those. You're the funniest person out of UCB I've ever met. I've been out here 12 and a half years. We're laughing because it's absolutely true. You're a monster. You're very aware of

what's funny. You're very aware of what's funny about you and your presentation and your perspective. And you absolutely killed up here. I want to see a full set. You're fucking awesome. Are you around next Friday? I'd love to have you at the Ice House at 8.30.

Whoa! Look at that. Look at that. Dreams coming true. Just as a date. No stand-up. This is L.A.

You pay your dues. You start. I'll do blackface. It's not that hysterical. There you go. From the nice house to the ice house. Soccer mom. My goodness gracious.

Anything else fun we should know about you before we let you go? I ate nothing but Olive Garden all last year. Wow. Brian just came in his pants. I already gave you the show. You don't have to. That doesn't shock anyone. You look like you call your tits sweater puppies.

Why would she do that? Because she's white and she's wearing a sweater. And she's got tits. Jesus, Joey. Someone didn't take a nap today after all the trouble. What's your favorite thing to get at the Olive Garden? Just spaghetti with marinara and steamed veggies. Wow, you are a mom.

Wow. That is a mom dish. Steamed veggies. I just watched Red Band scratch you off of the ice. Delete. It's the tour of Italy is the correct answer. There you go. Tour of Italy.

That's what I was hoping. Hell yeah. Well, Cheryl, I mean, unbelievable performance. I mean, we absolutely loved you. Please keep signing up, and hopefully this is a change in your bucket luck, and we'll get you back up here again soon. Love to see you in a minute. She's on social media at CherylSoccerMom, all one word.

Pretty woman. Heck yeah. Whoa, look at that. Wow, what's that? You know that's a UCB character? She's actually 19. I know it. She's a 19-year-old girl.

Fucking commitment. I love it. I love it. Make some noise for your next comedian. Frank Yoloa. Yoloa. Frank. Frankie. Frank. Frank. Here he comes.

Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen. Frank YLaura. Yeah, what's up, guys? My name is Frank, and people always want to ask what it's like having the name of an angry stepdad. Is it short for something? No, just short-tempered. Thank you. I've been told that I look like I would skip a job interview to stand in line for sneakers. I don't party a lot. I don't like to party, and it's not that I can't dance. I just don't see the point.

To me, a dance floor is just like the NBA. Unless you're a black guy or a really flamboyant black guy, you're just another white guy on the court. Off the dance floor, I'm Mexican. On the dance floor, I'm a seven-foot Turkish guy who's only there to grab rebounds. I'm a seven-foot Turkish guy who's only there to grab rebounds. Stay home. Being Mexican in L.A. is weird. Everyone just assumes I like the Dodgers. There you go. Frank.

Yuloa. Am I saying that right? Yuloa? Is that correct? Yuloa? Ulloa? What is it? Ulloa? Ulloa. Am I saying that right? Ulloa, is that correct? Ulloa? Ulloa. What is it? Ulloa.

Ulloa. Yeah. Oh, that's sort of weird. Okay. Ulloa. Got it. And welcome to the show. Is this your first time on?

First time, yeah. Heck yeah. Welcome, Frank. Welcome, welcome. The sneakers thing was killer. Thanks. That was great, man. Thanks for dressing up tonight for this.

This is great. I wonder why people would think you're a Dodger fan. So, Frank, how long have you been on stand-up? About 10 months. 10 months. Heck yeah. How old are you? 29. Look at you, doing it. What do you do for work? I am...

Oh. Why did I forget what I do for a living? I work in a warehouse. I'm a shipping warehouse supervisor. That's why. This seems like a real parole interview right now. I am a warehouse. I ship things. How long have you been working in the warehouse?

About four years. Four years. Heck yeah. What's your living situation? I still live at home with my mom. You do? That's not it, there's more And my sister Name them all

Wow, heck yeah Have you ever had your own place? No, not. Not yet. No interest in that? Plenty of interest in it, just haven't saved enough money to get there yet. Right. Wow. Haven't saved enough money yet.

Interesting. Let me ask you something. What kind of wallet do you have? You have a wallet on you right now? Ah, shit. You want to see what I have for a wallet? Yeah, I do. For a wallet? This is where I carry my

What the fuck is that? That's a manila envelope. That's a shrink. That's a tiny manila envelope. Manila envelope for a wallet. I've never in the history of this show, I've never asked anybody any person pulled out of the bucket

six and a half years of this show I've never asked anyone what kind of wallet that they have I asked this guy and he pulled out a manila envelope that is big enough to fit it's also by the way torn right down the middle

it's just his ID in this fucking wallet I feel like when ICE says pull it out they just feel so bad for him they let them go. Holy shit. I mean, this is... First of all, what is in here? It's just a license.

Oh, it's just a license. Yeah, no credit card or money to be seen. Okay, wow. Here's the worst part. It's not even a license. It's just an ID. Oh, yeah, it is clearly like a fake ID that you would get bounced out of any bar with

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You ready for this, my friend? You ready for this, Frank? There's $1,000 cash in it. Wow. $1,000 cash. Is that true? What are we doing here? Oh, my God.

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It's a front pocket wallet that streamlines everything for you. 30,000 five-star reviews. Is that good for you? 30,000 five-star reviews, Frank? Is that good enough for your fucking is that better than your fucking manila on hold? There's a lifetime warranty if you love it and free returns if you don't.

It comes in titanium, carbon fiber, aluminum, and over a dozen different styles. And for our listeners, you can get 10% off today with free worldwide shipping and returns by going to ridge.com slash killtony. That's ridge.com slash killtony and use the code killtony link in your description. That is from our friends over at The Ridge,

the makers of Ridge Wallet. Most of you guys have this shared. Look how big this is. You're sitting on this. You could just have this and have this in your front pockets. There you go. It makes so much sense.

There you go, absolutely. Your family is going to stab you in your sleep tonight. You are going to wake up bleeding, but it's worth it. You can stab them back with the ridge. It's metal. I assume you're going to buy 400 sweatpants on the way home. That's what I... Annabelle?

It's also slim enough to fit in your coochie, ladies. Oh, look at that, Annabelle. You're out of control. It won't rust. Frank, how do you feel about this? Dude, this is awesome. I'm trying not to cry up here. No, let it happen.

Fucking cry. Let it cry, dude. Please cry. Please cry. It would make it worth it. The people from the Ridge would love that. You guys would like that, right? Over at the Ridge, he's crying.

Cry. Let out the tears. You know what? Throw yourself on the floor. You know what? Let's do something fun here. Let's do something fun. Let's do something fun. Let's do something fun.

I got a great idea. I think as soon as he looks at the money, he's going to start crying. I think that we should keep you up here until you physically cry. It's $1,000. You say you're almost crying. What are you going to do with the $1,000? What are you going to do? What are some plans that you have for it?

Get robbed immediately upon leaving? 300 people know exactly how much money he has. Do you know how much Plan B you could buy with $1,000? You're the first person in the history of the show to ever get $1,000. Or really any money whatsoever. I mean, really, nobody gets paid. That's the most money I've had, period. In your life?

Maybe not in my life altogether, but fuck, at one time, in one room. Now I'm going to cry. Yes, that is... This is an incredible moment in the history of the show. Again, a special shout-out to Sean Frank, who came up with this awesome idea. I mean, you're looking at

literally every single person on this stage uses Ridge Wallet. It's true. Ridge Wallet's ridged for her pleasure. Wow. Annabelle has a little dirty mind of her own over there. A thousand is a nice night mind of her own over there. Heck, yeah.

A thousand is a nice, nice work. That's a nice work. Yeah, it really is. It's incredible. Plus the wallet, you're killing it. He's killing it. I mean, this is a huge moment in Kill Tony history. Yeah, it's great.

I've known Frank for a while. He's always funny. It's really cool to have you have gotten this. This is awesome. Hell, yeah. How about that? How about one more time for Frank, everybody? There he goes.

Hey, Frank, can you at least put the mic stand back up? I mean, how much do we have to pay you? Take it back. Take it back. He's already starting to act like a rich guy. He's already like, fuck, I don't need this show. Fuck this place. Tony, can we just say that we knew that we were going to do this today,

but the fact that he pulled out that little envelope as a wallet? I mean, yes, we knew that we were going to do that for somebody that got pulled out of the bucket, and it literally, when I asked him, I'm like, oh, this is a real risk asking what kind of wallet he has because maybe he has a cool fucking wallet and something like that. Yeah, that was not that. It was like a magician's prop or something. Like, I'm going to put your ID in this small

manila envelope. Now you write your name on the front of it. In no world would that ever have been considered a wallet, what he had. Stays at hotel once, makes wallet for life. How about just one more time, a round of applause for The Ridge, everybody? Yeah.

We absolutely love their products. Our guests love their products. It's always great. Just like with Postmates, it's always fun when you have sponsors that you actually believe in and use and have always wanted since you started a show or a podcast. And they fulfill those dreams for us all the time. So let's keep this fun train moving along. We have a regular on this show, ladies and gentlemen.

We have two of them. They're about to go on right now, not at the same time. This first one, a very polarizing figure. That means these people don't get pulled out of the bucket. They have to write and perform a brand-new minute every single week. They develop in this amazing farm system known as Kill Tony Regularship. Some of the people have gone on to have big-time representation. Well, both of these guys do, actually, since they've joined the show.

And, you know, some of them opened for Joe Rogan and have amazing things going on in their lives. These guys are on the up and up. This first guy, you either love him or you hate him. I absolutely love him. Make some noise for the up and up. This first guy, you either love him or you hate him. I absolutely love him. Make some noise for the great and powerful William Montgomery. Here we go. Here we go. William

Montgomery. Here he comes, everybody. Live in the flesh. The big red machine himself. Come on, guys, it's the real deal, William Montgomery. Whose dick I gotta suck to get my kids back? I heard that one time I was in court trying to get my kids back. Hold on, you're telling me

the fucking system's down? That's what I like to say when I call it Papa John's. Let's give it up for Papa John Shatner! He was a Marine! Let's give it up for Veterans Day! So, uh, I'm pretty sure the best Shark weeks were between 93 and 97.

Whole lot of chum, whole lot of boats, whole lot of cameras. Those feeding frenzies. That was my best joke of tonight. I thought that was going to get the biggest laugh. It scares me. It did not. It's Veterans Day. My father died on Veterans Day two years ago.

William, let's just start. Okay, one more time for William, everybody. Hey. There you go. So, William, I met your father was on this show like eight months ago. So we know your father didn't die two years ago. You tend to lie a lot on stage about things. Yeah, my father died two years ago.

He was in an escalator accident in Vegas. It was a real nightmare. My aunt was really sad. Ah, because that's his sister. Yes, yes. Very good. Well, welcome, William. William, have you moved out of your place yet?

You got kicked out of your old apartment? I have. I'm currently living in Echo Park. Did you find a good spot for your two grandfather clocks? Yes, I was able to transport them in a van. We found out last week that William has two grandfather clocks. What did you gain, about 10 pounds since last week? What's going on here, William?

What's going on with you? I've actually lost 20 pounds. Thank you. Oh, wow. Yeah. No, I think I've gained weight. I'm on the Eggo diet. Eggo? Are you talking about the waffles?

Yes, I eat a box of Eggo's every morning. You're supposed to let go of them. Then I do some cardio. What kind of cardio do you do? Jumping jacks. How many jumping jacks do you do? 200. I think you need apple jacks. Why don't you do 200

jumping jacks for us right now? How many of you would like to see that, huh? Here we go. He's taking off the backpack. He has Crocs with no socks, ladies and gentlemen. Hats off to William Montgomery. This is... Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen.

He's already slowing down. Sixteen, seventeen. Keep the pace. Wow, this is very impressive. Oh, there it is. There it is. Reality sets in after 21 jumping jacks. I bet that's the most jumping jacks ever done in camo Crocs.

William, we called your bluff there, and it doesn't seem like you really do 200 jumping jacks. I don't. I'm sort of out of breath. I'm horribly on edge. Why? Why are you on edge? What's going on in your life?

What's happening? I caught my roommates at the new place having sex the other day. Oh, yeah? Oh. I have a camera installed in their bedroom. I have a camera installed in their bedroom. You have a camera installed in their bedroom? Yeah, I'm a big

camera type of person. I have two cameras in their bedroom. A voyeur? You have two cameras in their bedroom? We only have two cameras on this show. Yeah, I know. We're a podcast watched around the world. Yeah, two cameras in there. They were having

sex. What kind of sex were they having? Was it a boy and a girl? It was a boy and a girl. Was he braiding her hair? Was it Michigan? It was a nightmare. I slipped in the bathtub. I was watching nightmare. I slipped in the bathtub.

I was watching it on my iPad in the bathtub. What? I started getting excited. I slipped. You were standing in the bathtub? With an iPad? Watching on an iPad? You're the only person with a bathtub that doesn't take a bath.

You were standing. Was there water in the bath? Yeah, it was sort of lukewarm. There's not great... How else is he going to wash the Crocs? You know what I mean? So you got to... Exactly.

Did you get those two Panasonic ones I recommended? Who just said that? You know who it is. It was Red Bank. It was me. Guys, don't fight. I'd sent you that link. Yeah, I mean, are you really going to fuck this up?

This is probably one of my best sets. And you're going to pull that bullshit? I think you're wrong. This was definitely not your best set. This was my best set. It's probably one of the worst ones I've ever seen, honestly. This was my best fucking set I've had. Tim, don't you agree?

I love the Shark Week bit. Yeah. I really like a lot of your Shark Week material. This was good. I mean, I'm still partial to that World War II Hitler Mouse joke, but I do like the Shark Week thing. I love all of your sets always, William. You're such an enigma.

I mean, just so deliberate, calculated, yet full of complete shit at the same time. It's just a beautiful. Someone in the crowd just said wink. You know how William winks at the audience members? Oh, they're requesting the classics every once in a beautiful. Someone in the crowd just said wink. You know how William winks at the audience members? Oh, they're requesting the classics every once in a while. Oh, you must be doing it. This is where he goes around the audience and gives people personalized winks. He just squirted.

This is incredible. It always works. The crowd absolutely loves it. Whoa, he just gave one to Mike Meany. I've never seen him give one to one of the guests before. Holy shit. I just came. Wow. Mike came in his pants. I think they yelled out

weak, like he's weak. Okay, alright. We already did that part of the thing. One in the wink, two in the stink for William. That is incredible. Trademark winking. That's crazy, man. Are you wearing a Dodgers shirt? I am. You look like Justin Turner

if he was found dead in a river. He really does. Just floating down the river. That's right, because he slipped watching people have sex on his iPad. Well, William, another very fun set. We absolutely love every single time that you're on. You're a huge part

of the Kill Tony family. Literally. Getting bigger and bigger every week. Oh, you just got that one. How about one more time for William Montgomery, everybody? There he goes. We have a... We also have another regular on this show. Every single week, he writes and performs

a brand new minute, and he sometimes makes fun of me, and I make fun of him, and every once in a while, if the guest comes up. Oh, wow. Wow, it appears as though we, it appears as though there is a man that got lost. A naked man.

Oh, wow, he's still lost. This is, wow, look at that. Wow, what is Joel? The great Ari Shafir is here, ladies and gentlemen. Getting ready for his 10.30 show. He is headlining this room, running his brand new hour. If anyone, that's probably sold out, but if any of you guys are interested for more comedy after this,

catch Ari. We just got banned from YouTube. Live in this room. I'm glad it wasn't my fault this time. You said that. Why don't you just end it, Brian? I've literally never seen somebody's dick more often than Ari's. It is incredible.

Even in all the porn I've watched where you you just see, you know what I mean? It's still, this is still the most, and it's shocking. Wow. One more time. Okay, chill out, everybody. One more time for Ari Shafir, everybody. There he is. And we have another regular on the show.

He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. Make some noise for the great David Lucas, everybody. Here we go, David Lucas. David Lucas. I don't know how the fuck I'm supposed to follow that Those fucking nursing home balls God damn Fuck

My granddaddy got a better nutsack than that Jesus Christ I've seen babies hung lower than that Motherfucker Jesus Christ, I've seen babies hung lower than that, motherfucker. Jesus Christ, nigga. God damn. All right. There's been a lot of kidnappings lately.

Adult nappings. And my friend was concerned about, you know, all the women being kidnapped, and she weighs 300 pounds. She's like, they really out here snatching a lot of women. I'm like, bitch, you ain't got shit to worry about. Until they drive around with a forklift and an 18-wheeler. The only white van that's going to pull next to you is going to be filled with ice cream. You know what I'm saying?

Boom. Smash City again. This fucking guy. An absolute unstoppable force. The great David Lucas, everybody. Fucking awesome, man. Hell yeah. Goddamn absolute professional.

What's going on? What did you see over there? These niggas. Is that what you call the southern bells? You're from Atlanta, Georgia. I'm from the south. Our white women look better than that. Yeah, well, I actually believe that.

How about that one back there? What do you think of that? I was back there sucking Ari's dick. Sorry. Oh, okay. Well, very good. Shocking. Jesus Christ. That's what... There you go. So, David, how's

life going, man? Good, man. I'm the newest door guy at the comedy studio. Whoa! Look at that! Signing on. Wow. You're the first door guy who could actually be a door. Wow. Nigga, you in a wig. You can't say shit right who could actually be a door. Wow.

Nigga, you in a wig. You can't say shit right now. Oh. We are graced by the presence of Iceberg here tonight. That's when Joelberg runs a little bit cold. How you doing back there, buddy? You okay? I'm ready to get naked at any point.

Well, don't do that. Don't do that. Okay, goodbye. I know the live stream is poor. Well, we're back. It's all good. Anyway, congratulations, David. That's a big deal. Yeah, poor. Well, we're back. It's all good. Anyway, congratulations, David. That's a big deal.

Yeah, thanks. Yeah, absolutely. It's an interesting thing. A lot of people that are in the know might be thinking, you know, wow, because that's a position which a lot of people start in and this and that, but it's also a great. It's a political move. Absolutely, 100%.

You get in, you get spots. The talent coordinator sees you for the monster that you are, because if you're an employee here, you perform with those guys and they get to see you. You're exposed. And plus, another great thing about it. And we learned this with the great Ali Makovsky, former regular here, is she was doing it while, you know, opening for Joe Rogan and doing many great things, kicking off her podcast. So many things. She's got a full-blown career. And she came in, swooped in, did the job,

and now everybody knows she's respected by every other employee here. You know what I mean? You get in, and it's like being a New York Yankee. You know what I mean? And the Brothers in Curses podcast is doing well. I think Red Band told us the first episode streamed at like 12,000 listens or however that shit is. Yeah, something like that. 12,000 streams, whatever it's called. Absolutely.

That's awesome. Brothers in Cursive, a podcast with you and William Montgomery on the Death Squad Network. Absolutely. That's so cool. What else has been going on in life? Anything crazy? Man, I got like four tickets due this month, so the job came right in the nick of time. I have no idea what you just said.

That's all one word. I don't know if you know this or not. I don't understand what you just said, and I eat Popeye's chicken sandwiches, and I still don't know what you said. Were they parking tickets? I said I got four tickets, driving tickets, man. You know what I'm saying? Oh, you're getting speeding tickets? Hell yeah, man.

My goodness. I'm ready to get rid of this car, man. What kind of car is it? A Challenger, man. It's a I'm ready to get rid of this car, man. What kind of car is it? A Challenger, man. It's a headache. Wow. It's definitely the car's fault, for sure. Yeah.

Nah, that motherfucker too fast, man. There's no driving slow in that bitch. All right. Well, we know you have a heavy foot. All right. I knew it was coming, Tony. Heck yeah. I thought you did great, man.

I'll always support you, whether your knees and hips eventually don't. I'll be there. Hey, bro. It's not right. It's not right. It's not right. This motherfucker up here looking like

Timmy Turner and shit from the Fairly Oddparents. You look like Medea goes into diabetic shock. That's how you look like. Man, if you don't get your hidden character from Tony Hawk Pro Skater looking ass up out of here. And here we go.

Holy shit. You're looking like a Justin Bieber stand-in. Shut your ass up. Thank you. That's actually very nice of you. You do stand up? Oh, come on, dude. This motherfucker looking like a Justin Bieber stand-in. Thank you. That's actually very nice of you. You do stand-up? Oh, come on, dude. This motherfucker looking like he on a soap opera or some shit. This is all great stuff you're saying.

Days of our gay lives. What else you got, motherfucker? No, come on. Settle down, David. I think we're good. This motherfucker got a Spencer credit card. What else you got, bitch? No, come on. Settle down, David. Settle down. This motherfucker got a Spencer credit card. What else you got, bitch? Let's hear it. Your fly's unzipped, but I wasn't going to tell you that.

You want to do it? No, we're good. Who you married to? A wife. This motherfucker married to Pee Wee Herman. They said if I go at you, you'll come back. So I love it. This is why he gets tickets.

That's what he does to the cops. You put me over, motherfucker? All right. Begging him down. This is Chris Farley, brother, right here. Yeah. Oh, shit. Chris Farley actually has a real brother.

This motherfucker looks like he fell asleep in a tanning bed, nigga. Listen, the Irish race has had enough. Did you take a shower in some poison ivy? This motherfucker has broken out. Don't be mad. I have a shower. You need some prescription soap. I do need a lot of prescriptions.

Up here looking like a white Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince. I love Uncle Phil. I love Uncle Phil. I love Uncle Phil. He's a part of my childhood. You look like a bottle of olive oil, nigga. Oh, my God. David Lucas is on fire right now. Hey, boy, you look like a hotel towel, nigga.

Woo! Why you tell these white boys to come at me, man? I didn't. I didn't say anything. I swear to God, on the contrary, I warned them. I warned them beforehand. I say, William's crazy. He's a big liar. He might try to say that he did something with you in the past.

When David Lucas, I go, the African-American, he. Let's be honest, he's black. Yeah, he definitely specified. This motherfucker eat marshmallows before he go to sleep. David, leave Jan Mulaney alone. What's his name? What's your name? I gotta start learning these white comics names.

Yeah, you're doing good. You're doing good. You're doing just fine. I know, man. Fuck it. You don't need to learn shit. I know Tony, man. That's all I need to know. That's true.

Absolutely true. Absolutely. And you look great. What this nigga talking about? Who said that? He's trying to get you booked at the Ice House. He's trying to help you. I've been booked at the Ice House.

Yeah. Fuck you, dude. Trying to fucking help him. You think he needs that shit? No, talk shit about me so I can give you like 10 more jokes. Now it's all love. I love you. You were great.

Fuck you. You're my best friend. Whatever, nigga. David Lucas, you did it again. Unbelievable performance. Nothing but fucking hellfire and Britney stuff. The great David Lucas, everybody did it again. Unbelievable performance. Nothing but fucking hellfire and brimstone. The great David Lucas, everybody. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. Absolutely. And if y'all niggas want to help me pay these tickets, dollar sign David Lucas funny on this bitch. Yeah. Did you just give out your Venmo? That's my cash app. Your cash app.

Dollar sign David Lucas funny. Dollar sign David Lucas funny, all one word. Help a nigga pay some car tickets. Help him pay his tickets. There sign David Lucas funny. Dollar sign David Lucas funny. All one word. There you go. Help him pay his tickets. There you go, everybody. Yeah. Heck yeah.

I see what he was doing there. He was talking about getting tickets. I see him. He's a very smart man. Very smart. Very calculated. God damn, he smells good, though. He's going to... Of course he fucking... I know

what he's doing. He's saying that he got a bunch of tickets hoping that the Ridge Wallet guys had another thousand bucks to give out. I see what's going on. David Lucas. Everything's very calculated. Bucket one last time. What do you guys think? This is it, though. We gotta get out of here. They gotta start seeding the room for

Ari Shafir running his brand new hour. Okay. This looks like a new name. I think I'd remember this one. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Nick Torchon. Nick Torchon. From that ledge, my friend, step back.

From that ledge, my friend. Step back from that ledge. Nope. Alright. Let's go back again, see what happens here. Make some noise for Nick Gutierrez. Nick Gutierrez. Nothing but Nick's here. Nick at night. Live on Kill Tony to close

the show. It's Nick Gutierrez. It's your final comedian of the night. One more time for Nick Gutierrez. Yeah, fuck Nick Torchand. I've been thinking about this for a while. I don't know if it's gay. If I slept in the arms of a fireman,

I was three days old. Getting old sucks because you find out your parents are Trump supporters. I don't have a lot of regrets in life, but I do regret the amount of Spike TV I watched when I was 14. That's a fact. Being fat, that sucks too.

Happened a couple years ago. Just let it go. I had a lot of stuff memorized, and I'm trying to remember it right now. Let's see. Thank you. Man, I thought I had this one. Thought I had it in the bag.

Thank you, guys. That's it. All right. All, thank you guys. That's it. All right. All good. All good. Nick Gutierrez. At least some of these people can admit when things aren't going correctly. It was adorable.

Thank you. It was very adorable. That first joke about the firefighter is the cutest joke I've ever heard. I felt good about it. I felt good about it. Yeah. Well, let's not get about it. Yeah. Well, it's not good. Hysterical.

Yeah. Absolutely. So welcome to the show, Nick. This is your first time on. First time. I didn't remember a face like that. Look at those big fucking eyes and all that shit going on. Make me blush.

I love it. I guess so. Your face was already discolored before that. Yeah. Very sweaty. Very sweaty right now. I love it. I love it.

Do you ever blink? No. Wow. I love it. I love it. Do you ever blink? No. Wow. This is scary. I actually set the unofficial world record for longest staring contest. Are you serious? It was two hours long.

Are you serious? There's witnesses, but not a Guinness person. Are you fucking serious? I didn't have a two-hour staring contest. I just uncovered that about you after 15 seconds of staring directly at you. People blink up here a lot.

I noticed. He's just staring right at me. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I'm not even lying. Two hours you went without blinking. Yep. Wow.

Holy fucking shit. That's incredible. Oh, of course. Always competitive Jeremiah. How did you learn that you had that skill? How did you find out that you can still talk? Yeah. It just kind of happened over time.

Coming out to your parents. Yeah. I just got in trouble a lot and it just kind of threw people off. This is the craziest thing I've ever seen. This is exactly how it went for two hours. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

So I did it for about six months, and then I took about two and a half years off. Can Rich Wallach give him $1,000 to blink? I'm kind of scared. Wow, so this is incredible. And what made you take a two and a half year long break? You know, just life gets in the way sometimes, and it just got a little bit busy.

But now I kind of figured that I'd be funny again. And you know how it is. No, I don't know how it is. So when you say that you got busy with life, like what did you get busy doing? School got pretty hard. So I was taking a lot of time with that. Jeremiah, did you just blink? Yeah, you just blinked, Jeremiah.

You're on the other side of it. I can keep going. I can with that. Jeremiah, did you just blink? Yeah, you just blinked, Jeremiah. You're on the other side of it. I can keep going. Jeremiah's blinked like four times. Oh, okay, great. Well, there you go. In that case over here, you won, Nick. You won. Let's keep the interview going over here.

Very impressive. Wow. I just want to blink for the rest of the interview. That's cool. What's that? I'll just hold it for the end. It's okay. Absolutely.

You own me now. Do what you will with me. Oh, shit. You get to put it in her wherever. So two and a half years. What do you mean you got busy? What did you get busy doing? Sorry, yeah.

School got pretty intense. I got my degree in economics, so I just kind of lost time. Oh, cool. How old are you? I'll be 24 on Sunday. 24? What do you do for work? I work at a fast food place right now.

What fast? Oh, well. In and out. Yeah, literally? In-N-Out. Yeah, literally. Wow, look at that. Joel did something sort of correct here tonight. You could take me, animal style. I started two and a half years ago, so.

You started what? Two and a half years ago. Heck yeah, and you got in the game. Exactly. And then you can't get out. I'll tell you what I liked about your set. A lot of times with newer comedians, it's hard. You know, they're very long setups. And you're like, I'm going to keep a very short setup. And then you're like, I'll tell you what I liked about your set. A lot of times with newer comedians, it's hard, you know, they have very long setups

and you're like, I'm going to keep a very short setup and then you're like, I'll make it so short I won't even put a punchline in. You know what I mean? Like you just kept it. It was efficient.

I tried going jab, jab, jab and then nothing really landed. You have an economics degree? You're working in and out? Yeah, right? Well, I'm job hunting right now. Okay. College is bullshit.

Don't go. Yeah. Wow. There you go. Don't go. Yeah. There you go. Words of wisdom. That's what I should have done. Words of wisdom for the guy that hasn't gotten a laugh all night tonight. Yeah, but just got back from Australia and New York and it's

a high school dropout. Suck it, Tony. I know. If it wasn't for Tony, I mean, you wouldn't have gone to all those parties. Shut up, Brian. I don't want to hear about it. All right. You boys behave now. It's fun.

This is what makes it fun. This way when Joel gets on a hot Joelberg streak and does the unthinkable, that's what makes it special. It's nights like this in which we find out that you're human and inhuman at the same time. It's a great thing. Nick, tell us something interesting about you that we'd be shocked to know. Man, um, I actually shit my pants recently. Oh, yes. I was 16.

I was 16. You were 16 years old. How old are you now? He's 23. 24. Yeah, it's 8 years ago, bro. Well, recently is like not too far. It's definitely not 8 years ago. Why did you shoot yourself?

So I was playing wiffle ball with some friends, and I was running down my street, and it slid out my shorts. Every fucking thing you say is like from a children's book. Yeah. Like every fucking word out of his mouth is like, and then a big rabbit came and helped me clean it up. That's pretty much exactly what happened.

What's something that we should get at In-N-Out that we don't currently get? Whole grilled onions. What is that? Interesting. All right. What about the Napoleon shake? Is that all right? I'm more of a half vanilla, half strawberry.

It's called Neapolitan, honey. Yeah, sorry. Not a huge chocolate guy, I guess. Not a huge chocolate guy? No guess. Not a huge chocolate guy? Nah, not really. I hate black people. What's your love life like? I got our relationship like last month.

Yeah, what happened there? How long were you in the relationship for to start? It was like nine months. Yeah, and then why did it end? It just kind of... He never blinked during sex. There you go. That was it.

Can you imagine the horror in that woman's eyes who just thought she was watching Get Out? It's a really bad one. What happened? I just ended it. I just wasn't really feeling it anymore. Why? Why? Why weren't you feeling it? What was it?

Just give us some details. He clearly killed her, but... He's like, I wasn't feeling it anymore. And, well, the L.A. River was right there. She doesn't feel anything anymore. She feels nothing. You know, nine months goes by, and you just start questioning everything.

It gets a little bit long, getting older. It's like, once you cross the year mark, it gets pretty serious. What did she taste like? Oh, my goodness. Napoleon. He's like? Oh my god. Napoleon. He's like a whole grilled onion.

The chopped chilies. Yeah, nice. Wow. So is there a particular type of woman that you're into? Like a shape, size, blonde, brunette? Yeah, you know, tall girls. Tall girls? Oh, look out. Heck yeah.

What would you... I'll ask you the same question I asked someone else earlier tonight. What would you do with beautiful Annabelle here if you had a chance? What would be your first move? It'd be the first time I'd be a little spoon. Uh-huh. What would be your first move with Annabelle? Oh, first move?

Yeah. Sucker dick? Yeah, probably. Took the words out of my mouth. You know, recently I had my first period. Recently. Nick, any other special skills or talents or anything of your entire life that you've ever done or accomplished? Big locker room guy on my soccer team for a long time.

What do you mean big locker room guy? What does that mean? Like I never played. I played about three minutes a game, and it was to give this guy Brandon some rest for some water. And then I just had to not screw it up. Wow. What do you mean by big locker?

You would just hang out in the locker? They wouldn't even let you sit on the bench? Yeah, I didn't even really sit on the bench. I brought the Gatorade a lot, high-fived. It was a good time. Oh, my God. Everything's – is any of it real? It all feels like out of a movie.

I mean, honestly, I'll be here on the 23rd for Storkade. I don't know. Something feels fake about a lot of it. Yeah, something's a little bit cheesy. He's like, I found a ring, and I had to drop it off in a mountain. It was weird. Well, Nick, maybe we'll find out more about you next time. Sign up again. There he goes, Nick Gutierrez. He's

the A-Train on social media. Look at this drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt coming at you right here. He does it every single episode. He did it again tonight. Look at that. Look what he drew while you all sat there doing less than nothing. Beautiful. I look thin. The new Kill Tony the book, volumes two and three.

Volume three has volumes one and two in it. I highly recommend getting volumes one and two together. It's an unbelievable book, Kill Tony the book. We have three books now. We're the only podcast with three books. How about a hand for the great Mike Feeney, everybody? Come on. He didn't have to take shots at David Lucas,

but he fucking mustered his guts and did. Gave us a good little fucking roast show there. Mike has a lot of fun stuff going on. Make sure you check out his brand new album. It's available absolutely everywhere, and it is, without a doubt, known as Rage Against the Routine. The Irish Goodbye

Podcast. He's on social media. I am Mike Feeney, all one word. And check him out. We love you, Mike. How about that? How about a hand for Tim Dillon, everybody? Come on. Fort Worth this weekend. The Tim Dillon Show. Tim J. Dillon on Instagram and Twitter and all those tickets are

available at timdilloncomedy.com. How about one more time for the great Annabelle Jeremiah Watkins over there, ladies and gentlemen? Huntington Beach, St. Louis, San Diego, Kansas City, Chicago, and Detroit, all available at jeremiahwatkins.com. Check out Jeremiah Wonders, Jeremiah's stand-up on social media, Jeremiah Watkins on YouTube. Anything else, Jeremiah? We're in a quick one here. Yeah, pick up Mike Feeney's new album. It debuted at number one on iTunes.

Give it up for Mike Feeney. There you go. We already plugged that. Very good. I knew you'd find a way to waste our time. How about a hand for Chroma Chris, everybody? Chroma, what do you think about tonight's episode? Oh, Tony, it was un-bell-e-vable.

Oh, one for one. Also, on November 23rd, me and Joel and Pat Reagan's band, The Baby Boys, have an album release party at the Silver Lake Lounge. Very good. How about one more time for the one and only Joel Burke, Joel Jimenez, tonight? He's on Suicide Watch. He's sponsored by Ludwig. He is mostly sorry on social media. Anything else, Joel?

Yeah, shout out to Ridge Wallet, Caveman Coffee, LA Speedway. I love Mike Feeney. I love Tim Dillon. Guys, shout out to my buddies from 10th Planet, HQ right here, my jujitsu homies. Anyway, back to you. Show your support to the show and Ridge Wallet. It's an amazing gift tonight by going to ridge.com slash kill Tony. Use the code kill Tony and get yourself an awesome Ridge wallet or get it as a buy your

whole family gifts for Christmas. It's absolutely awesome. And again, it's a product that we believe in that we use. Audience, we love you guys. Thank you so much. Thanks a lot, guys. We'll see you soon. Next week, Eric Griffin and Stevie Weeby, everybody.ご視聴ありがとうございました