KILL TONY - KILL TONY #417

Episode Date: November 26, 2019

Russell Peters, Adam Ray, David Lucas, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 11/25/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv. There you and you are listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the show. And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live. December 12th, we'll be in Columbus, Ohio at the Newport Music Hall. December 14th, we'll be in Pittsburgh at the Rex Theater. December 15th, we'll be in Cleveland at the House of Blues. Go to DeathSquad.tv

and click on Tour Dates. ShopSquad.tv, that's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. There you have the new Kill Tony shirt. You also have some hats, some Death Squad shirts, and a bunch of stuff. That's ShopSquad.tv. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website,

tonyhinchcliffe.com. There you have his own stand-up comedy tour dates, some merchandise. Go to tonyhinchcliffe.com. And last but not least, Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist. He has a new Kill Tony book. It's on Amazon or ryanjebelt.com.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Ripman coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hatchcliffe. Wow. We're here. It's Monday night. You guys ready for Kill Tony or what? The great Brian Red Band sitting next to me.

The house artist, Ryan J. Ebel, already beginning his work on tonight's episode. The brand new Kill Tony the book, volumes one, two, and three, available now on Amazon. Get your Kill Tony fan family member the greatest gift of all, Kill Tony.

You guys ready for this show tonight or what? This is good. Packed house. Feels good in here. I'm excited about this. We're going to have a blast. We just finished up. We had a great event here on Saturday. I did.

The wrestling event, Storkade, packed to the gullets and lots of energy. We put a wrestling ring in the middle of the room and had a blast. But this is Kill Tony, and Kill Tony is going on the road, as always. Columbus, Ohio, December 12th. Pittsburgh, December 14th. Cleveland, December 15th. Calgary, Canada. Oh, actually, San Antonio, January 9th. That's Kill Tony and stand-up shows, one night only. In Houston, Texas, January 10th and 11th. Kill Tony and stand-up each night, so you could get tickets for both each night, Friday and

Saturday in Houston, Texas. We're going back to the secret group. A very fun place. I can't wait. Calgary, Canada January 23rd with Stand Up on the 24th and 25th. So that's Kill Tony, Calgary January 23rd. Come out in the snow. Get on your dog sled

and watch Kill Tony. You know what keeps me warm? Delicious caveman coffee. I drink the nitro, and lots of caffeine and energy has me ready for another great episode of this show. And the season is amongst us. It's the holiday season. Brian, you getting ready for it?

Mm-hmm. I got my winter fat. I'm about to hibernate. Wow. You keep that all year round, don't you? Yeah. You know, this Black Friday, I think everyone here should secure the best deal of all. A healthier, thicker hairline.

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and require an online consultation with a physician who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. See website for full details and safety information. This could cost hundreds if you went in person to the doctor's office or pharmacy. Remember, that's ForHims.com slash KillTony. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Let me follow you. Can we get a little more juice over here?

Feels a little low. Feels a little low. As always, we always have two of the best comedians in the world on this show. Never changes, including this week. Returning guests, two of my favorite humans on the planet. How about some noise for Russell Peters and Adam Ray? And here we go. Wow.

The great Russell Peters. The amazing Adam Ray. They're back again. The main room of the Comedy Store. These are two guys that have been with us since our days long ago up in the belly room before we were international sensations touring

massive theaters these guys have always been great to us and big fans of the show welcome back thank you Anthony Russell has a new Amazon special coming out in January it's the deported world tour correct very exciting stuff Russell has a new Amazon special coming out in January. It's the Deported World Tour. Correct.

Very exciting stuff. And Adam Ray, Phoenix, Omaha, D.C., New Year's Eve. His new special, Read the Room, available everywhere. Go to adamraycomedy.com for tickets and other fun things. Welcome, guys. How are you guys doing? Welcome, welcome, welcome back. Is this the official holiday show?

Is this it? Yes. Is this a Thanksgiving show? Every this the official holiday show? Is this it? Yes. Is this a Thanksgiving show? Every show is a holiday show here. I like that. You guys feeling festive? Yeah.

I'm not buying that. Nobody cares. It's all right. I'm making room for Thursday. Like a python. You know, something interesting is that after doing a little bit of research, we found out that episode 420 actually lands on a date in Columbus, Ohio. So our 420th episode lands there. But since we're L.A. natives and 420 is a big deal to a lot of our pot-friendly fans,

we want to announce that we're doing a special 420 episode. We're just going to call it a 420 episode here December 16th. So we're going to do another. It's just going to be perfect timing for that. I'm sure that 1216 is divisible by 420 somehow. You know what? Absolutely. Nerd alert.

We're going to do the math. We're going to figure it out together because why not spend 420 here with a special super top secret 420 friendly guest. And so but you guys know that there's a band on the show, right? The best single episode. They commit

to being different characters. You never know what they're going to be. We never know. They have a separate green room and they've been getting ready for a while. Let's see what they are tonight. Maybe it's the return of some of our favorite band members ever. You know, the psych ward patients, or feminist Stacy, or the puppeteers.

Anything can happen. Maybe it's a brand new character we've never seen before. Let's all find out together. Make some noise for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Purple Dress. Whoa. Wow.

All right. Wow. Okie dokie. Very good. There they are. There they are. They are clearly DJs of some kind. Am I correct? Clearly not DJs.

Whoa. Look at this guy. Rock and roll. Who are you? DJ Unicorn, Nat, Snackpack, and Sasha. All right. Okay. You speak in drops? That's so cool. Oh. All right. Okay. You speak in drops?

That's so cool. Yeah. All right. And how about this pal sitting next to you over there? DJ Snack Pack. Oh. Not as exciting. DJ Snack Pack.

And who's this beautiful little boy back here? The name's Sasha, Tony, and I love the pussy. Wow. Can I get some more audience in my monitors, please? And one more time so that I can

write it down. It was DJ Unicorn. DJ Unicorn Nads, Snack Pack and Sasha. DJ Unicorn Nads. DJ Unicorn Nads. Snack Pack and Sasha. DJ Unicorn Nads. DJ Unicorn Nads. Okay, Brian, this is already for sure not working. Much as I predicted that this would be, it's great. It's great.

So that's it. DJ Unicorn Nads, right? Great. That's the band, everybody. They're going to be with us all night. This should be a lot of fun. And we have Russell, Adam, Brian's obviously very wacky, very much louder than the rest of the professional show's soundboard.

And clearly we have the bucket of destiny here, what the show's all about, what it's supposed to be about at least. A bunch of comedians signed up before the show for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. Maybe it's somebody's first time. Maybe they're a comedy veteran here to try to get famous all in one night. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go. Very good. Very good. And after that, we interview you, we find out more about you, and talk with you about your life. You guys ready to start this show, or what? Yeah.

That was okay. I think you guys can do a little bit better. You guys ready to start Kill Tony live here on a Monday night? There you go. There you go. There you go. Okay. Very good. And your first comedian

getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Suwan Weaver. Everybody, Suwan Weaver. Suwan Weaver. Here we go. Oh, there she is. Yep. Here we go.

Oh, there she is. Yep, here we go. Come on, Suwan. That way, Suwan. Yep. Yep. One more time for Suwan Weaver. Thank you. Thanks, you guys.

I'm a lesbian. I like the butch lesbians, like security guards, UPS drivers. Yeah, that's my jam. But truthfully, lesbians come in all flavors. They come in attorneys, lawyers, Rachel Maddow. She's hot. Right, oh my God, Rachel Maddow. And so I'm with my perfect partner

I'm a lesbian and then guess what happens my partner decides to become a man yeah no titties for me lesbian with a man it's awesome right and so yeah you know what my partner was a butch she had hairy legs and a mustache before the testosterone. True story.

I know, some guys don't like that. They're like, ew. Okay. Fuck yeah, Suwan Weaver, ladies and gentlemen. It's an ironic sound. Oh, yes. He really puts the saxophone in the unicorn mouth. Really impressive DJ unicorn mouth there. That is really impressive, DJ Unicornette.

So, welcome to the show, Sue Wan. This is your first time on. I'd remember you. Oh, thank you. Yes, nice to meet you, kind of. Okay, sure. Wow. Fuck yeah. This is why you're gay.

Absolutely. Absolutely. You're very uncomfortable talking to this lesbian. That's true. I'm not your type at all. I'm the least butch lesbian that there is. Well, that's what happens after a while. They soften up.

Have you always been a lesbian, or is this something that evolved in your life? It evolved. I was married to a man, unfortunately. How long were you married for? A year and a half. That'll do it. Hell yeah. That's all you need.

What was his name? Greg. Oh, Greg. Yeah. Oh, Greg. Fuck that guy. Yeah, seriously. No, I mean, I was always a lesbian, though.

Like, when I was 10, I... Well, okay, so when I was 10, I was always a lesbian, though. Like, when I was 10, I... Well, okay, so when I was 10, I was reading a book about lesbians, and my mom, my parents were like, oh, you, you're a lesbian. And I was like... What accent was that? Korean.

Yeah. Korean. Wow. All right. That was a fun sound effect. From the South Korea, I would imagine, I guess. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here, I think. Both of your parents are Korean?

No, my dad's black. Wow, look at you. Wait, what dance move was that? What kind of weak genetics does your dad have? Some gay genetics, actually. I think that's possible. Poor gay dad. In the closet, too.

You think your dad's gay? Don't be gay, don't be gay! Yeah, I's got that. Poor gay dad in the closet, too. Aw. You think your dad's gay? Don't be gay, don't be gay! Yeah, I think so. You think so? What makes you think your dad's gay? Like, you know, like, scared of femininity and stuff like when people would come over and, like, you know, he'd be like,

hello, hello, hello, like, be, like, super, try to budget us. Like Mrs. Doubtfire. Did his tits ever catch fire? So you said you were reading a book about lesbians at 10 years old. What kind of book is this?

It was called Happy Endings Are Never Alike. It's real. It's a sad story. The butch is... You never got Are You There, God? It's real. It's a sad story. The butch is... You never got, are you there, God? It's me, Margaret? I don't know that. I need to read that.

What do you do for... How long have you been doing stand-up? About three years, something like that. Three years. And what do you do for work? I'm a clothing designer. Not that you can tell. Whoa, yeah. I'm a lesbian, okay? Did you design what you're wearing?

No, this is not. I think my shoes are made in Korea. Yeah? Prove it. What kind of clothes do you design? Yoga clothes. Oh, yeah. Sweatpants. Oh, that's a lesbian thing for sure.

Hell yeah. My goodness. How long have. Oh, that's a lesbian thing for sure. Hell yeah. Yeah. My goodness. How long have you been doing that for? 15 years. Wow. You make a living off that. That is so cool.

Mad respect. What? Mad respect. Thank you. Thank you. You guys look amazing over there, by the way. What's the clothing company? It seems very comfortable.

It's very comfortable. Do I need to say that? If you don't want to, you don't have to. If you want people to go to your website, you could. No, no. Jordache. Don't go. Is it forhers.com? Yeah.

Lesbian.com. What do you like to do for fun? Stand up. Other than stand up. Eat pussy. Yeah. Well... Other than that.

Of course. Other than the two things that we know about her. I like spiritual stuff. I like medicine journeys. That is gay. Yeah. I only do gay stuff. Nothing more lesbian than a medicine journey.

I only do gay stuff. Yeah. Medicine journeys. Like what? What have you done? I've done ayahuasca, mushrooms, weed. GMT? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

GMT. Yeah, whatever. Did you just call it GMT? Yeah, I called it a watch. Yeah, I like all that kind of stuff. You have a girlfriend currently? Well, like I said, my partner's not identifying as a woman. They identify as non-binary, but yeah, they look like a dude, seriously.

So how does that make you feel now? Like you left Greg for Betty, and then Betty turned back into Greg. Right. That old classic tale. Yeah, but you know what? Betty's always been more butch than Greg, so, you know. So they look like a dude. Do they act like a dude?

Not so much, which is that is the amazing part. That's why I was... Tell me about the differences between an actual dude and a butch lesbian. Non-binary butch lesbian. Am I saying that right? Yeah. That sounds fair. I mean, I'm not mad at you.

Well, like, dudes scratch their balls, right? Like, dudes are all like... We don't just randomly scratch our balls. Yeah, there's a purpose. You do, though, right? Like, you do. We adjust them every now and then. They may get stuck to your thigh.

Yeah, you guys are all adjusting. What do you do? Just hang out with baseball players all the time? Sounds like Greg had jock itch. Yeah. From your dirty pussy. Wow. Wow. Wow. I was just takingck itch. Yeah. From your dirty pussy. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Just taking big swings tonight. Bro. Wait, when did Betty tell you that she identified as a man? Right in the beginning. But it was face-to-face? It wasn't through email or text? No.

No emoji? It could have been face-to-face. Yeah. Yeah, no. Do lesbians 69 a lot? That seems like something that would happen quite a bit because it's like the one thing you guys can do that doesn't have anything to do with, like, an artificial penis.

It's the one thing? Yeah, I mean, it's like that's all you guys got. You just got pussies. You got two electrical outlets that don't plug into one another. You know what I mean? It's like you just have the two. And how prevalent is scissoring? Great question.

Great question. You know what? I say that there's no scissoring, and then my partner's like, no, we scissor. And I was like, what? Is it like a weekend-only type thing? We don't ever scissor. You never do that. How many dildos do you have, if you had to guess? Plus or minus three dildos? Dildos? We don't ever scissor. You never do that. How many dildos do you have, if you had to guess?

How many what? Plus or minus three dildos. Dildos? We don't have a lot. We have three. That's one more than I have. Yeah, I know. I guess there's three.

Yeah, Joel Berg's only got two. What are the differences in your dildos? What are we talking about here? You have one Korean and one black? Yeah, there's two black and one Korean. Which I'm assuming

which is the smallest. It's so personal! What did you just say? I like how you won't plug your clothing company, but you're like, I got lots of dildos. Yeah, she's plugging something. Mad respect.

Mad respect. Yeah, it's so personal. I don't know. Well, are you okay? No, it's okay. This is the show you signed up for. Yeah, for sure. We are live.

What is your age? You don't have to tell us the exact age. Is it below or above 50? Above. Hey, look at you. Well, you look great, age. Is it below or above 50? Above. Hey, look at you. You look great, though. That's the good thing about being both Korean and black. They're good with aging.

You could rob your own convenience store. That was great. And with that, there she goes. Welcome to the show. Come back again soon. Suwan Weaver, ladies and gentlemen. She's on social media at Suwan Weaver.

S-U-W-O-N-W-E-A-V-E-R. I can't believe it. That's a giant unicorn head. All right, pulled another name out. Let's keep it moving along with the comedy stylings of Bando. Bando. One word name. Here comes Bando.

Bando. One more time for Bando, everybody. Thank you. So I'm not really a comic. But I do identify as one. Oh, man. Been married for 11 years. My wife and I could not be more different. You know, she's a behavioral psychologist, guys.

And I've been, you know, a bouncer basically my whole life. She got her PhD. I got my GED, you know. She likes to, she's real introverted. She's an only child, so she likes to reboot by, like, you know, being with herself and meditating. She goes, you know, five times a year, she goes all over the world to these meditation retreats. She sits for four days in silence.

Four days in silence, guys. She doesn't do that shit at home, though. I don't know. It's interesting being married to a psychologist, you know? It's like, I'm Sicilian. I'm an angry kind of guy. Oh, all right. Go ahead. You want to finish it? Go ahead. You know, I like conflict. I like to argue, you know? But my wife does what she calls, it's like, I'm not going to engage in ineffective communications. So I have nobody to argue with. Thank you.

Was that it? Was that the ending that you wanted? Hell yeah, Bando. That was pretty bad. Terrible. You're like Joe Rogan's negative. DJ Unicorn Nats. Yes, you said that your wife will sit in silence for four days

every time you perform in front of a live audience. They sit in silence for four days as well. Damn. Well played, sir. Well played. You just got laid out by a DJ, bro. I know, right? Uh-oh. Oh, shit. Oh. You just got laid out by a DJ bro I know right Uh oh

Oh shit DJ Unicorn Nats up in this bitch Oh wow I want one of those Yeah we gotta work on the Tommy a little bit on that one What's your name again? Bando Bando

Just one Do you have Is that first or last name? That's my last name Yeah What's the first name? Joseph Nice

You don't want to be Joe Bando? I'm not Joe Bando It goes alright Is that first or last name? That's my last name. Yeah. What's the first name? Joseph. Nice. You don't want to be Joe Bando? I'm not Joe Bando. It goes all right. Have you met Red Bando over there? Hello. Yeah, we've met. I've been here before. I think your stage name is the least of your worries right now, Bando.

Probably true. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Like 10 months. 10 months. Perfect. Very good. I thought you said 10 minutes. One set before this. So 11 years of. I thought you said 10 minutes. One said before this.

So 11 years of marriage. That's real? Yep. And you guys are still happy? Yep. How do you keep everything fresh? You guys still having sex? Yep.

How often do you have sex? Probably more often than most. You know, a couple times a week. Do you scissor? I mean... We get creative. We let the mood take us. It's like a...

You know, we just flow with everything. it's like a you know we just flow with everything it's like right right right you have anything special that you do in the bedroom

I always ask people this it's like any special bando moves that you do you ever pull out you can give up for free I like I like to go down that's my thing

so to the supermarket alright go down on yeah cause I'm a premature ejaculator so you know

I gotta perform in other areas ladies you know get her to where she's gonna go it's usually before he gets home

so that's what whenever a guy says he loves to go down on a woman that's what they mean usually usually how hard of a

premature ejaculator are you I think hard is the wrong word there listen I feel like it makes me evolved because the whole purpose of humans

to evolve is to procreate. So it's like I'm just getting the bullshit out of the way. It's like I'm more evolved than other men. You are Joe Rogan's negative. And I'm a giver. And I'm a giver, so I make up for it in other ways with tools. Do you have a fast recharge time?

How many times can you go? Actually, the secret is that I come fast, but I don't even stop getting hard, so I can continue after. But it's messy. You know what I'm saying? It's like your act. It's rough. It is. Wow.

Do you bring this up? Did you tell your wife this when you guys got married? Was it one of the get-to- to know you things you put on the table? My favorite color is navy blue. I'm never going to have hair again. I come quick. Yeah, did you mention that? No, I wasn't this open back then. I had to fake it until I made it.

When did you get that open? Right now. I want to get back to this premature ejaculation. Jesus Christ! I don't want this to end so quickly. No, let's not. Oh, hey-o. What is your timeline like?

Are you like a two-pump chump, or are you a... Not a two-pump chump. Like what are you, like a couple of minutes? You like a three-stroke joke? What are you? Yeah. What are we talking about here? How long do you tend to last? Long enough. What does that mean?

You're like a full glide glide? What are you? You're giving us nothing to work with. I mean, you gave us this information. Like two Jeopardy commercial breaks? Like how long? Four minutes? That's what your answer is? Is that what you're getting? We'll go four and a half. That's not really premature.

If it's solid pounding for four and a half minutes That's a full song You know what I say When in doubt get in and out So what do you do for fun When you're not performing stand up Or busting nuts very quickly I like riding Harleys

You ever accidentally come While riding a Harley Davidson? That's what I was thinking. You don't have to answer that. I keep it quite hard, so it could happen. Hell yeah. You get all slopper on your chopper. Get all gnarly on your Harley. Please make that T-shirt.

Pull out and wank on your tank. Jeez, on a motorcycle. Yeah, I wasn't trying to play the game. I was just... Wait, so what do you do for work? I actually just opened up an open mic spot in Long Beach called Therapeutic Noise. Oh, so you're unemployed.

We open it tomorrow. Well, I used to run a security company. I sold it. Talk about that for a minute. Security for what? For, you know, for businesses. Everything from bars all the way to nightclubs. And my biggest client was the Oakland Athletics. What happened?

What happened? Why did you get out of the big booming security business? Because having 250 employees in the state of California is psychotic. So the stress was too much, and I just found another company to take over, and everybody kept their jobs. So you sold your company, and you got out. Yeah, I'm a consultant right now for about a year and a half. How old are you now?

44. Okay. Did some good things in your short amount of time on this planet. Recently. I mean, I did some bad things too probably. We've all done bad things. And he's not done yet. This guy stays hard. He can just keep fucking and... He finishes and he stays hard. Right in the mess, buddy.

You got any crazy Oakland A security stories? Did you guys like bodyguard for like McGuire and Canseco? Here, Red Sox Nation is no bullshit. Like we had to throw out an entire section. And these are people, this was actually at the Anaheim Angels Stadium when I used to do security there. And it was still,

it was one of the craziest things because we had to throw out an entire fucking section of Boston Red Sox fans. They all go and they get drunk at this bar. Who told you to get in the comedy business? All right. I'm long-winded. Yeah. Who told you?

Did someone tell you you're funny? No. Was it your idea? It was my idea. It's something you always wanted to do? I want to learn. How old are you? 44.? Was it your idea? It was my idea. Something you always wanted to do? How old are you? 44. You know what? I'm putting all my money on you making it.

To being the security guard at a comedy club. He already owns one. No, he's got an open mic spot. It's different. We'll do shows there too. How do you make money running an open mic spot? I don't yet.

I'm about to. How are you going to make money? We're incorporating digital stuff, so media, so that they can have, like, you can leave the open mic, do your set, and you can get a Dropbox if you want when you get done with the night. So you're not fiddling with all your cameras and stuff like that. So adding some different components to it. You're going to give them sets of the open mics? Yeah, if they want it. Those are sets you should never have.

I'm going to pay Venmo a few extra bucks to get that. I learn the most from recording my sets of the mics, man. That's where I go. I mean, obviously, I'm doing so fucking well up here. All right, Bando. You did it, Bando, ladies and gentlemen. Stay in the pocket, man. We tried our best with him.

Some of these people are hard cookies to crack sometimes. He's on Instagram, at BandoTalks, all one word. You guys having fun out there? Alright, let's see what happens next. Just a reminder, if there's comedians in that lobby,

to yell every name that I read so that they can hear it, because I think we had to move some people out. Make some noise for your next comedian. Jonas Presendiel? Presendial? Presendied? Presidential? Jonas, if your first name is Jonas,

you're next on Kill Tony. Congratulations to Jonas. Is there movement back there? Jonas? I don't see anything. President Deal? No Jonas? Did someone yell?

Guam, did you yell? Nope. Okay. Blacklisted. There you go. Is that Jonas right there? All right. How about Jeff Horst?

Jeff Horst. Do a little pop there. Jeff Horst. Jeff Horst. So is there... Here he comes. Jeff Horst. So is there... Here comes Jeff Horst, everybody. There we go. There we go.

Now we're doing it. That's how to do it. You yell and then they come. One more time for Jeff, everybody. All right. All right. Guys, I think if you like to eat meat that's fine i support it you know i just think you need

to be honest and admit that you don't like animals you know like if you don't like if you eat meat just there'd be less arguments if you just said fuck animals i'll kick a puppy in his puppy face like what what would the argument be at that point? I'm just saying be consistent, because I'm consistent. Like, for me, if my girlfriend was pregnant, you know, I'm pro-abortion. Let's say we're at an abortion clinic, and somebody, you know, is holding a sign, they're protesting, they come up to me, and they're like, abortion is murder. I'd be like, I sure hope so, because I'm here to kill a baby. That's i mean we already named it we named it psych i'd use the same excuse as meat eaters use it'd be like hey it's how we celebrate

thanksgiving it's tradition in my family i don't know what oh yeah there you go je Horst Getting it out 60 seconds Of thunder Welcome, Jeff You've been on this show before, correct? Yeah Welcome, welcome, welcome back Have you ever had an abortion?

No You've never? No, I haven't What about a girl that you know? No, I haven't Have you ever? I'm just still I've had a couple

Yeah? A couple Yeah, a couple Cool Twins? No, no, I mean it was the 90s You know, I was't. I'm just still. I've had a couple. Yeah? A couple. Yeah, a couple. Cool. Twins? No, no. I mean, it was the 90s. I was a little young.

Yeah. I wasn't ready. But I still eat meat. How long have you been doing stand-up, Jeff? About nine years. Nine years. And that's true? You do have a girlfriend?

Yep. How long have you been with her? Six years. Six years. And that's true? You do have a girlfriend? Yep. How long have you been with her? Six years. Six years. What does she do? She does comedy. She works in audio as well. Oh, very cool.

Does like audio engineering and stuff. Mia just walk dogs and do Postmates. Wow. Yeah. Do these dogs know that you have this joke about them? Huh? About kicking them right in the fucking face? Yeah. Yeah.

And Postmates delivers food, right? Yeah. What the fuck? How long have you been walking dogs for? I mean, since I've moved out here, but I mean, I grew up with a bunch of dogs. My family had too many dogs. We grew up with seven dogs

and three cats. What are you, part of the Rough Riders? No, just parents that don't, you know, except in strays. Even though we got a small house and then, you know, there's poop and shit all in your house. All right, all right, all right. So now you're walking dogs.

I want to know where you grew up that you have fucking, like, that many animals in your house. We grew up in Detroit. It was a small house. It wasn't, like, good for there to be that many animals. your house? We grew up in Detroit. It wasn't good for there to be that many animals. Like Detroit, Detroit? Detroit, yeah. Eight Mile and Evergreen.

You know what that means. Wow. That was the sound of a dog getting shot. Yeah. Hey. Wow. So you ever have any of these dogs attack you when you're walking a stranger's dog?

I know that must be awkward. You have to go inside their house, right? What's weird is that every pet owner has a different care. Some of them want you to meet the dog ahead of time, and some of them are like, here's the keys. Hope you don't steal my dog. Right. Do they say that?

No, no, they should, though. Yeah. Just to be up front. It's just implied, yeah. Yeah, it's just kind of implied. Have you ever thought about stealing one of the dogs? Sometimes, yeah. That's what I thought.

There's this person who has a dog that they make him wear the cone, and I'm like, just to fucking make him look like a piece of shit, like the dog doesn't need a cone. What kind of dog is it? It was a Shih Tzu. What the fuck? Are you serious? Yeah.

And he had a cone. Why would you say that? Everyone knows It was a Shih Tzu. What the fuck? Are you serious? Yeah. And he had a... Why would you say that? Everyone knows I have two Shih Tzus. Oh, yes. Everyone knows. I couldn't give two Shih Tzus about that answer. I don't think anyone gives a Shih Tzu. More dog puns, please.

Wait, do you always open with the kick puppy and then right into the abortion? If you do a short set, where do these jokes fall? No, this is a semi-new joke. I just felt like saying it. Are you a vegan or something? Yeah, I'm a vegan or something. How long have you been a vegan for? A couple years.

Why? Just, you know, I feel like it's the right thing to do. Why? Why do you feel like it's the right thing to do. Why? Why do you feel like it's the right thing to do? Well, first of all, I just like feeling like I'm better than other people. And you think that is that? No, no. I mean, it adds to the list.

It adds to the list. It doesn't make me worse than other people, you know. It adds to what list? What is this list? Santa Claus? You don't want to be a good person? You enjoy trying to better yourself. I think it makes me

healthier. I think it makes me happier. Do you think it makes you healthier? It does. I'm sorry to be a little bit vague with my answers. But I'm a happy person. I'm a healthier person. Were you not happy before? I was. What does that mean? Just do some crack. Who gives a shit? You you not happy before? I was. What does that mean?

So if you're happy, you could just be like, just do some crack. Who gives a shit? You were already happy before. No, no, no. We're talking. I'm just having a discussion about the nutritional value of veganism with you right now. You said you're happy. But you were happy before. Are you healthier? I am.

You feel healthier? I feel healthier. You're definitely more defensive. For sure. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. For being a vegan, you're the only one up here that seems to have any beef with me about this situation. That's kind of unbelievable. And your girlfriend of six years is a vegan?

Yes. Did you convert her? No. No, actually, when I dated her, she was vegan? Yes. Did you convert her? No, no. Actually, when I dated her, she was vegan before me, and I used to be with the... I used to only eat meat. I never thought that you could get full

off of eating vegetables. Right. That's how you became happy. In fact, you ate so much meat that you're still happy after two years. Just residual? Could be. Shit, I don't know. There's a new documentary every day. It sounds like you were ODing on me, is what it sounds like. Could have been. I think maybe I just need a break from it.

What does your girlfriend do? She does comedy, and she's also an audio engineer. Who's more successful out of the two of you with the comedy? I'm guessing the audio engineer. We did this last time, and the guest yelled at me. I don't know if you remember that. I'm more successful than she is. Oh, boy. You don't remember yelled at me. I don't know if you remember that. I'm more successful than she is.

Oh, boy. That's weird. You don't remember that? No, I don't. Who was the guest? Who got mad at you? You don't remember. Luis Gomez.

Oh, yes. Yeah. Luis. Oh, Luis Gomez. Yeah, yeah. You don't remember that? Then when we switched seats, I sat there. He went on the stage, said the N-word about ten times.

And his fans clapped like it was a good thing. Yeah, I remember that. How do you forget that? Then when we switched seats, I sat there. He went on the stage, said the N-word about ten times, and his fans clapped like it was a good thing. Yeah, I remember that. How do you forget that? That's right. That's when you really got fans is when you can just say racial slurs, and people are like, we love you. Okay. I've made a career out of this.

Yeah. Prove it. Well, Jeff, good luck with everything congratulations and hope that you come back again soon keep signing up we'll see you again soon Jeff Horst J-E-F-F-H-O-R-S-T-E

hell yeah we're having fun. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Heart in the middle of their name, Mitchell Lamar. Mitchell Lamar. Wow. Big pop from the audience. From the comedian side of the crowd, here we go.

One more time, Mitchell Lamar. I got recognized on the street today. You know it's LA, whatever. This guy, he runs up to me. He's like, oh my oh my god honey get the camera you're a faggot and I said ooh another fan

you know I used to serve in the military I deserve more than that I used to serve in the military. I deserve more than that. It's cool. You know, I get it. Like, I'm so effeminate. Some people think I lie about being in the military.

And it's like, duh, I did. I lied with the captain in Japan. A lieutenant in Turkey. I got syphilis after that one. But I got rid of it when I filed for bankruptcy. They take everything, It's crazy. Wow. All right.

There you go. My goodness. Mitchell Lamar is back. You've been on the show once before, correct? What's up? Yeah, I was. I'm glad you're back. Welcome, Mitchell.

I remember making a bunch of gay military jokes. It was. It was a lot. It was. But we know you can take it. Incoming. So welcome back, Mitchell. That was an interesting set. You spent 20 seconds getting extra applause

for serving in the military. That was an interesting maneuver. Anything to fill time. What? What? There you go. Anything to fill time. What? What? There you go. There was that noise.

How does he look like one of R. Kelly and Michael Jackson's victims at the same time? Hey! DJ Unicorn Nats is hilarious. DJ Unicorn Nats. I just don't think he's a victim. It was a great time. He was the one boy who was literally asking for it Mitchell, how old are you? I don't like telling my age

Don't get gay on us now Okay, Mitchell, no big deal 34, we'll go with that I'm trying to be timeless. Oh, okay. I'm 30. Sure. I'm 30.

Are you? Oh, okay. We just gave you 34. Wow, what an old bitch. Hell yeah. So, Mitchell, is that true that you got syphilis one of the times, hooking up with a soldier? It was two, but I didn't want to feel like a whore.

Two syphilises? Two syphilises. Two syphilises ago. That's what it was. It's interesting. And that's true that you caught it with a soldier in Turkey? Yes, Turkey. So you got some stuffing in your dick. And that joke was just in time for the season.

Are you a stove top or a stove bottom? Stop. Joelberg is here, ladies and gentlemen. No. Out of nowhere. No, no. I'm a stove top. Oh, wow.

For some reason, the saxophonist is celebrating Joel's joke on that one. It's a rare treat. That was great. Yo, we a team. I guess so. I don't remember him claiming that you're a team when he has jokes that don't work. Yo, sometimes you have to leave your team on the bench. Okay.

Yes, indeed. Never again with the band soundboard. That makes it official. Jesus. Mitchell, how do you get syphilis from a guy in Turkey? I find that odd because it seems like you guys are soldiers. Did he not know that he

had it? It seems like the type of thing. Aren't there a lot of symptoms with that? I don't know. That was my first time being outside of home. I'm with a man. I can be free.

What do people fuck like in Turkey? You got a lot of sand in your asshole? It's a lot of gravy. What? Okie a lot of gravy. What? Okie dokie, Mitchell. Are we still talking about the same thing?

No. Okay. Mitchell, what do you do for work? Really? Yeah. Mitchell, how do you make money? You're still on a live show right now. I keep forgetting about that part.

Uh-huh. How about the answer to that fucking question I asked you 40 seconds ago? Mitchell, why do you keep moving further and further backwards? Put your feet on the flower and stop floating around. Would you get back to the front?

I think your head has been banged against the headboard a few too many times, Mitchell. Five times. Okie dokie. Oh, I, um... It's been... Not even that. Great song. Play the rest.

Where are you from? I'm an immigrant. Right. I moved to California from Christianity, so... Mad respect. Okie dokie. No, I don't. Sorry.

It's hard for me to tell the truth a lot. Oh, man. Yeah. But that's what this is. Well, go tell the truth. Oh, well. Let's try it out. I'm a server.

You're a server? Mm-hmm. Where at? You ever heard of Le Pan Quotidien? I've heard of it. I just never knew how to say it when I would see it. Hey, there's the pain in the cotidier. Mitchell, you have any special skills or talents?

No. Other than stand-up? Wow, the one quick answer there, huh? None. You said other than stand-up. Yeah. You don't do anything for fun? You have any hobbies or anything like that when you're not

doing stand-up or writing or frequent doctor visits? Yeah. Anything you do for fun? Pretty easy question here. Pretty fucking easy. Like something in your daily routine or perhaps

something that you like to do once a week on a special day or night or anything. I like to come to the comedy store. Nice. Just don't come in the comedy store. So what kind of music do you like? I like

the saxophone. Hell yeah. Okay. Okay. All right. Are you this personable with your customers? Like, are they... How is it when you're... Like, do they like you?

Do you feel like you get a good response? Yeah, I do. I think I do. Yeah. Yeah? They ask for another server. Wow. Someone has literally fucked your brains out, Mitchell.

This is incredible. Well, isn't one of the symptoms of syphilis drives you crazy? Yeah, if it's untreated. Well, guess what? I should probably get that checked. Did you treat both of the cases you got? I won't get an answer out of that one. Put your hands together for

Mitchell Lamar, everybody. Mitchell Lamar, there he goes. It's the shaman. Oh, everybody. Mitchell Lamar, there he goes. It's the shaman. Oh, boy. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Well, you guys must be fucking thrilled about tonight, then.

I pulled another name out. Make some noise for Kyle Gridley. Kyle Gridley. Let's see what happens here. Kyle Gridley. Here he comes. Here we go. Come on. Here comes Kyle Gridley. Here he comes. Here we go. Come on.

Here comes Kyle Gridley. Bottleful of bub. Mama, I got what you need if you're into making love. Here he is. Kyle Gridley. Thank you. What's up, players, haters, masturbators? What is up?

I am high as fuck. Holy shit. I am baked like cake, and I'm feeling frosty. Let's do it. Jump on it. I used to sell drugs. For me, how was selling drugs? Unprofitable, okay? Fucking hard. Impossible. I'm gonna be honest. Look, in i only ever made four thousand dollars i made eleven dollars a day a dollar for each year i would spend in prison do you know selling drugs is a felony how much are you supposed to commit a felony for it's not fucking eleven dollars Jesus I used to sell psychedelic drugs Yeah Turns out not everyone wants a life changing

Experience on a Tuesday Okay I'm like at 45 seconds That's it exactly one minute Kyle Gridley Hell yeah Congratulations You did jokes I have none of this left.

Very, very fun. Silly, fun, fun. Look at you. What's up, guys? What's up, dudes, players? All right, Kyle. There you go. I hate how comfortable you are.

This is me. Okay. Welcome, Kyle. Look at you, you big fucking giant baby boy, you. Look at that big fucking baby face you have, that giant child skull. It's a huge head, right? Uncomfortable. Yeah.

My mom's poor, poor pussy. Okay. There you go. Okay. I don't think the value of your mother's pussy is irrelevant. So, Kyle, welcome to the show. You've been on once before, right? Yeah, like a month ago.

How'd that go? Good? I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys laughed at me a lot. Wow. I don't know. Okay, Kyle, that's a good answer. It looks like you're making up for all the answers

we couldn't get out of Mitchell Lamar all at once. I think he sold drugs to Mitchell Lamar. Yeah. The bad ones. So, Kyle, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for six years. It's been fun.

Marty McFly. There you go. There you go. And what do you do for work? If you remember, I am a janitor. I work for In-N-Out as a janitor. Oh, now I remember. I work at four in the morning.

I've been up since like 3.15. Right. Delirious. Now I recognize you. Thank you. I'm in the hat, the sailor. Okay. All right.

How about when you're not working at In-N-Out? What are things about you? What can you tell us information-wise about you that these people would find interesting? Like a general thing? Yeah, anything. Information. I went to Christian school.

My dad used to beat me. Really? What type of beatings are we talking about here? Belts or bets? What? Like belts or... I don't remember being molested, at least. What's it?

I said, like, belts or bats. He said, like, what kind of beatings. Belts, pun belts. I don't know. He was a lawyer. It's kind of problematic getting abused by a lawyer, you know? No, this is interesting stuff. I think we've all been hit by our parents once or twice.

And so you say mostly belts? Well, you know, mostly closed fists. Really? And slaps. I was too young to be hit so hard. Okay. Would he hit you in the head? Huh?

Would he hit you in the head? I have a very long story that's very traumatic. Let's hear it. Yeah. All right. Okay. So, you know, my brother is three years older than me. We don't know that.

Okay. Okay. He's three. So my dad, he took us to an L.A. Kings game. All right. My dad, he wanted beer. So he left my older brother in the seats. He took me with him.

We're in line. And this, like, L.A. Kings, like's like official he sees my little three-year-old kid fun stuff right and he like he like you know slides a puck at me all right and i pick up the pocket it's cool and my parents are separated so i go home to my mom's house my dad he keeps the puck right he keeps the puck so like all week i'm like annoying as shit i'm like dad you know i want dad to come with the puck right and i guess my mom was like calling him about it you know calling about it and i guess he was like annoyed or something so on friday on friday when he when he gets off of work from being a very tough trial lawyer you know he he opens the door can we get a spotlight? I think so. Okay.

Walk towards the center. Walk towards the center, dude. Walk towards the center. You got it. You got it. You know, the front door, the front door, just directly there was a couch. Yeah. And you know, my dad, he opens the door, and I'm sitting on the couch, and I'm like, Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

And then he throws the puck! He fucking chucks it. He fucking, he hits me in the head. I pass out. I fall backwards. I black out. I completely black out. I remember blacking out.

Can you remember blacking out? I don't even know. And then I woke up and I cried, and then the story almost gets worse. Oh, yeah? Tell us about the worst part of the story. Okay, the worst part of the story. I think the worst part is that there's more. Yeah, well, yeah, it's pretty bad so far, right? Okay, so I cry a bunch.

My mom gets mad at him. She's like, oh, why'd you do that? He's like, I thought he'd catch it. All right, and so I don a bunch. My mom gets mad at him. She's like, oh, you know, why'd you do that? He's like, I thought he'd catch it. All right, and, you know, so I don't, you know, I'm three. I just had a concussion, so I don't. A little hazy, some time passes. You know, me and my dad and my brother, we're sitting on the couch now, and he's reading the sports section to us.

And he's reading the sports section, and I'm like, you know, I just got hit in the puck with a face. I'm, you in the face of the puck you know god something like that and I'm like I'm like I'm like fading away I'm not listening the Lakers I don't even hear it and my daddy's like hey pay attention when I'm reading the sports page I like at the weekends with you guys trying to spend time and I don't know he keeps reading and I just, I fade away again. I just, I fade away. And I swear to God, he fucking slaps the shit out of me.

He slaps me. I fly across the room and and then he, then yeah, then he left. Great story. Listen to this capacity crowd. Kyle. I've never done that on stage.

Kyle, have you ever thought about exclusively telling stories about getting beaten? Yeah, dude. I think you found your comedic voice here tonight. I think you hit puberty during that story. Yeah. This is my real voice. This is how I actually sound. Do you do voiceover work for tampon commercials?

You need to make money off those pipes. Put this in your post-it. I love it. Your dad hit you so hard you got stuck sounding like the age that you were when he hit you. Can I tell you what? My mom, she took some nausea medication made by Johnson & Johnson.

Here, take a step forward. Let's hit him with the spotlight again. All right, my mom. My mom, she took some nausea medication made by Johnson & Johnson. Here, take a step forward. Let's hit it with the spotlight again. All right, my mom, my mom, she took some nausea medication made by Johnson & Johnson. And years later, it was proven to give kids birth defects. And I have this thing called a cleft palate. My back of my throat's, like, split open. And it's really hard for me to get words out unless I yell. I think, in all fairness,

I think it's the size of your head that spread the palate. Wow. Your insides couldn't maintain with the outside. Does it? Oh, my God. Wait, so the story story ended your pops left When was the next moment you saw him after that Okay okay

You know what to do dude You know what to do I last saw him At my grandmother's funeral He came and he wasn't invited I don't know My grandma was like dying of pancreatic cancer And just delirious On drugs She called my dad invited. My grandma was like dying of pancreatic cancer and just

delirious on drugs. She called my dad. He's like, Cisninos, you gotta take care of him. My grandmother was Guatemalan, okay. Oh, wow. Cisninos. And then he shows up and I'm there and I'm like, Dad, you shouldn't have come.

I looked up at him and I almost cried. He threw a puck at your grandma's dead body? That's what I thought was going to happen. Your dad is a real-life funeral crasher. That's fucking amazing. Where's your dad now? Jail. Probably watching right now.

Really? Please tell me he's here right now. Bruce. Bruce. When you say that he's here. Daddy. All right, Kyle, stick with me. We just see

a hockey puck come from the back of the room and hit him in the face. Kyle, do you... That's the end of the movie. He throws a puck at his head. When you say he's probably watching this right now, do you mean, like, literally? Does he watch this show? All jokes

aside here, Kyle.yle well hold on well you know um oh here we go he like he wants you know he watches my instagram page and he texts my sister my sister talks to me he's a 75 year old man now and it's very lonely and one time he sent me a cd of him doing stand-up at an escapade likeian church. I didn't watch it. I couldn't watch it. I didn't know how it would go, and I was scared. Because the CD and hockey puck are the same shape. Yeah. You have an older father?

Yeah, well, it's, you know, my mom, you know, she's a wonderful lady, and I love her, but she for sure tricked my dad into having the first kid, and then they got married because my dad's mom forced. If you had to guess how old your dad is, how old would you guess? He's old. He's at least 72. 72 years old.

I haven't seen him since I was 13. So, Kyle, you could probably. How old are you now? 24. You haven't seen him since you were 13? Yeah. Oh, wow. Do you have his phone number?

Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Do you have his phone number? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, dude. Kyle. I don't. Stick with me. Call your dad. Call your dad. Call your dad.

Call your dad. Hockey puck. Hockey puck. Hockey. Hockey puck. Hockey puck. Hockey. Call me maybe? Why? What is wrong with you? I don't have him on phone.

I guess I have him on Facebook. I blocked him. Facebook call him. Yeah, can you Facebook? No. We call your sister, and she three-ways. Don't three-way him, but you know what I mean. Do you think your sister has your dad's number? You know, she probably does.

Okay, can you call your sister? Put her on speakerphone? You know what, man? I'm 24. I don't know who I am. I had a fucked up life. Let me just tell you something. Kyle, let me just host the show for a second. Let me just tell you something, Kyle. Let me just host

the show for a second. Let me tell you something here. Alright? Here's how I picture this going down. You, in order to go to the next level of your life, you have to put this behind you, and I think you should tell this 72-year-old guy that the next time you see him,

you're gonna beat his ass. This is how I see this going down. Now here's how we're going to do it. You're going to put your phone on speakerphone and you're going to call your fucking sister right now. Either she's going to pick up or she's not going to pick up. You're probably leaning towards hoping

she's not going to pick up. I can call my brother-in-law too. They might be together. You know what? Let's fucking try this shit. We've already spent 12 minutes with you, but you know what? We have nothing but momentum right

now, and if it takes the rest of this episode for you to tell your father that you're gonna beat the shit out of him next time you see him... Tony, I think there's another approach we could do. Because the man's a lawyer, he can charge him with something there. He's still very much a lawyer. Right, so what you want to do is just say, Dad, I really miss you, and I got two tickets to the Kings game.

That's also a great idea. That works, too. That's really funny. I like that. That's really funny. Let's see what happens here. Just the fact if we get you to hear your dad's voice for the first time in 11 years. I'll freak out.

It's going to be great. You know what? Man. No, Kyle's going to be great. You know, man. No, Kyle, this is a great idea. My sister's contact name is Undersister, so I have to scroll to the bottom of the. You don't just know how to do that? What? Nothing favorites or nothing? Nah, man, I don't call people like that.

I used to sell drugs. My phone etiquette's all fucked up. How many of your past drug, the people you sell to are still on the phone? Hebron. I see him. What? Speaker phone.

What the fuck? Speaker phone. Oh, speaker phone. Shay, the face tattoo guy, I used to sell to him. Can you guys hear it? I'm not with you talking over it. Put the bottom end right up

to the tip. No, like this. I usually tell my jokes into a microphone. Hello? Hey sis, what's up? Hey, I'm at the comedy store in a sold out crowd in the main room and they want me to talk to my father.

Oh, wow. Yeah, hey, there's a lot of people here. Hey, sis, you're a therapist, right? I'm so lucky I answered. Yeah, I am lucky. You're right. I do owe you for this. Okay. Alright, should I talk? Do you have my father's phone number? Yes, I do.

Oh! Alright. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to have her text you that number right now. Can you text Kyle that number for us? You hear Tony? Text Kyle your father's phone number immediately.

Don't say it over the air. Okay? Yeah, there's a lot of people watching. Did she hear me? Did you hear Tony? Hey, go up an octave, would you? That'd be hilarious. It'd be great if the sister had this deep voice like,

Hey, what's going on? Hey, sis. Hey, what's up, brother? You still talk to dad? Did you do it? No, I'm not going to do that. My sister's a therapist. My sister's a...

Hold on, hold on. Everybody stop, stop, stop. What is she saying there? She's not going to do it. Why? I'm not going to do it. Why? I don't think it's appropriate.

He hasn't talked to his father in 11 years. We're bringing closure to a big situation. What kind of fucking therapist are you? I didn't hear that. Sorry. Wait, what's up? I didn't hear what they said. He questioned

your career. Tell him. And who you are as a person. Honestly, as my sister, I'm kind of like a little, you know. I love you. I feel like this would be really good for you. This has been fun. No, no, calling her dad.

Do you want to ask her if she's willing to call him on three-way? Yes, yes. All right. Lady just had an orgasm in the back of the room. Tony Hinchcliffe, you can look him up if you don't trust him. Tell her I'm one of the top young rising comedians in the world. He wants you to put my father and us on a three-way call with the Comedy Store in Los Angeles, California.

You hear me? Yeah, I heard you. I don't... What do you think about that? Oh, what do I think about that? Well, there's... I have a lot of peer pressure right now. Come on, dude.

It'll be great for you. Come on. Jesus Christ. You'll grow so much, miss. What's your dad like, Tony? What's your dad like? I'll call my fucking dad right now. Yeah, did he...

Mine's dead. Okay. Well, hey... What's your dead like? I'll call my fucking dad right now. Mine's dead. Whatever's going on is unacceptable. Do not do that again. There you go. Very good. So that'll never happen again. 100% that'll fucking never happen again.

Not an option. Go ahead, Kyle. She's my older sister. She literally went to school and knows what's healthy for people. No. She's single? Kyle, stick with me here. Sure.

I mean, hey, sister, if you love comedy and you love fun. And she loves you. And I don't know if you do this if you love me And you can put him on the phone And we can talk it out You know Gene says My sister's husband Gene says that I should be talking to him a long time ago There you go He's biased he has some kids that anyway

He says not like that He's right here next to me he says not like that though Yeah he works for the government So let's you know Kyle stick with me here Ask your sister to send you your dad's number immediately. My third ear says. All right.

Hey, sister. Hey, you know what? You can give me the choice to do this or not, and you can send me my dad's number. But. Yeah. If you, you know, but you're my sister, and I respect any decision you think or make. No, what the fuck was that? Hey, I know what that is.

Jesus. It's backdooring a no win I know Now I see why your dad Hit you so much You're a fucking And the reason it hit your head It couldn't fucking miss Alright Kyle

Well looks like we're not Getting anywhere with this What you say yeah Hey Tony you know what What if we bring him Where does he live I don't know You don't even know Where he lives No dude this needs to happen What'd you say, yeah? Hey, Tony, you know what? What if we bring him? Where does he live? You don't even know where he lives.

No, dude, this needs to happen now, man. Too much has been built up. Wait, what'd you say? Yeah, she's still on the phone. Kyle, stop answering audience members' fucking questions, alright? Have some focus here. Ask your sister why she won't give you his number.

Hey, sis, why won't you give me his number? Because I don't think it's appropriate. What does she think is inappropriate about it? Wait, what do you think is inappropriate about it? The first time you've spoken to him in, I don't know, a decade or more is going to be as a result of peer pressure. Yeah, but when do you think it's going to happen if it doesn't happen now? Another ten years? That's fucked up.

Got to seize the moment, baby. He doesn't have ten years left in him. Your dad, not you. There's going to be footage of this, too. They can watch it together after this. Your sister doesn't have kids, huh? Yeah, no, she has kids. She does.

What sport are they into? I don't get it. Your sister's a real control freak, huh? My sister was a single child for a very long time. Did she just say she's going to give it? She kind of told me to go fuck myself, but she's not the type of person to say fuck. She wouldn't say fuck?

No. Sister, you want to tell these people say fuck? Nah, she, no. Hey, sister, you want to tell these people about God? No, that's enough. That's enough, Kyle. You scared us away. Good job. That's it. Tell the sister goodbye. I love you. Thank you so much. I'll talk to you about this later on Thanksgiving. What the fuck?

My goodness. That's gonna be a Thanksgiving. Wow. We tried our best, Kyle. That would have really worked the crowd up into a frenzy if you threatened. Wouldn't that be funny if we found out it was a complete fabrication? His dad was a janitor and he threw a fucking urinal puck at him. You know what I mean? That's it. All right, Kyle. Well, we tried our best.

Maybe you could cue this thing up, get your dad's number while you hang out with your sister Thanksgiving. And I'll tell you what, if you get your dad's number and you don't call him before and you don't give him any warning or prep, how about this? We'll give you an automatic minute to kick off the show next week.

Wow, next week? Is that a deal? Next week might be hard to arrange, but I'll talk to him. Why would it be hard to arrange? Because I can't predict the future. All right. Maybe he says no, but I'll talk to him. Why would it be hard to arrange? Because I can't predict the future. All right. Maybe he says no, or I don't know.

How would he say no if you didn't warn him that you were going to call him? It's got to be a surprise attack, kind of like a puck. Maybe you guys are right. Maybe you guys are right. I don't know. So get his number over Thanksgiving if you want to come on the show on Monday. If you don't want to come on the show on Monday, don't get his number. Easy, right?

Yeah, easy. Kyle Gridley, everybody. There he goes. KGrid03. Something to look forward to. All right. There you go. Very good.

So very exciting stuff. We have regulars on this show, ladies and gentlemen. Before we get back to the bucket, let's find out how their lives are going. Your first regular going up tonight writes and performs a brand new 60 Seconds every single week. He's very unorthodox. He's either loved or hated by many. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of my favorite Top Young Rising comedians,

the great William Montgomery, everybody. Here comes William Montgomery. Let's give it up for Thanksgiving America! Let's give it up for the Pilgrim's Pride Let's give it up for Indians So he's not the best funeral director But he's a hell of a puppeteer I don't know what the punchline to that one is yet. Thought it was going to get way more laughter.

That scares me a little bit. So I've been researching wormholes lately. I have a bunch of them in my backyard. Ma'am, is your birthday November 17th? Her birthday's November 17th, y'all! I've recently discovered I have ability... Sir, is your

birthday October 31st? His birthday is October 31st, y'all. Wow. Montgomery, you suck! Oh, my God. Wow. What was that? My brother's here, Vance.

Why did you? Vance Montgomery. Vance, you're a lawyer in Memphis. You're overshadowing me. Why are you doing this? You know our parents watch this. My goodness. Okay, William Montgomery, everybody.

There's a new set from William. Was that produced? Did you ask that guy to do that? Yeah, my brother Vance is here. Wow, that's incredible. He's the overweight guy in the back with diabetes. You piece of shit. Oh, my goodness. I also think he has strep throat. He's the overweight guy in the back with diabetes. You piece of shit.

Oh, my goodness. I also think he has strep throat. You piece of shit. Wow. He also has herpes. You piece of shit. Wow. A lot of anger towards your brother. He also has dingy fever.

You piece of shit. Why'd you go to Africa, dude? Oh, my goodness. William, a lot of anger towards your brother. Yeah, he said... Why did he yell that at me? I don't know. This was going to be my best set of the night, and that piece of shit yells at me.

Wow, sibling trouble. I haven't seen anything like this since Kyle Gridley called his sister. Too soon. So, William, how's life going? You're wearing a camo shirt. You have camo Crocs on. This is a look. Really keeping the chicks away.

What'd you just say? No, I literally didn't hear you. What'd you say? It didn't go the way I planned when I said it. Don't worry about it. It's not that good. So I'm really excited. I'm going to Vegas tomorrow.

Oh, yeah? That's exciting. What are you going to do in Vegas? I'm going to Vegas tomorrow. Oh, yeah? That's exciting. What are you going to do in Vegas? Thanksgiving, going to Cracker Barrel on Thursday. Wow. In Vegas? In Vegas, doing some acid. I hope it's better than the last time I did acid in Vegas.

I freaked out. I did discover a great musical artist, Les Baxter. He does good jungle music. Someone knows who Les Baxter is out there. One guy. Wow. So that's exciting. Who are you going

to Vegas with? Going with the lady friend who is currently not pregnant. Whoa. She's not pregnant. Wow. She's not pregnant. Yeah. Currently not pregnant. She was two weeks ago.

We had to go to the Rite Aid, had to get another Plan B. It's the fifth time we've had to do that in as many months. It's the fit time. We've had to do that in as many months. It's turning into a nightmare. Have you thought about using protection of any kind? I don't like

how it feels on my penis. Fair. That's called Plan Y. You know you could just take five birth control pills and it equals one plan B What are you talking about, certs, you piece of shit? No, no

Don't mess this up This is probably one of my best sets What are you talking about? Yeah, if she has an old birth control laying around You could take five of them Okay, I get it That's just completely not true That is not

What are you talking about, tit tacks? No That's just completely not true. That is just not... That is not science. What are you talking about, tit-tacks? No. So, William, this is really interesting because this seems to be a running storyline with you

that you keep... Do you think she keeps getting pregnant or does she keep getting... Uh-oh, is he winking at the audience? Oh, we've seen this before. It, for some reason,

always works. The crowd gets worked up into a frenzy. Hold on, sir. Is your birthday March 26th? Yep. Thank you. That guy said no, and that girl said no, and then this guy laughed and said yes.

Oh, no. Oh no Has that ever worked for you? It always works At the Chili's I'm a bartender at Chili's You're bartending now Yeah I'm bartending now Let's give it up for Chili's The neighborhood bar and grill

What's your favorite drink to make? I think I like eating fajitas. Oh, very good answer. Very good answer. Big fajitas guy. They sizzle coming out. Why are you trying to mess this up, Red Band? Spot on.

Because, you know, I want to call you out once in a while. Okay, thank you. You know, I think, like, as a friend, I should. So you don't like wearing protection, but have you thought of pulling out? Good question. The first time we had to take a plan B, I was drunk on four locos,

and I wasn't able to, and it turned into sort of a cat-and-mouse game. It turned into a... What's that game called where you try to sink the battleships? Battleship. It turned into a game of battleship, if you will.

Let's just say my cruiser was on A4 and she guessed C2 and it wasn't and we ended up at the clinic together and it was discovered I had strep throat. This is actual

sounds from your game of Battleship that you played. Alright, William. Anything else for William, guys? This is your guys' first time seeing William? What's my favorite candy bar, Butterfinger? What did you say? Somebody asked me what my favorite candy bar was.

Oh, someone in the audience? Yes. Oh, wow. You just gave this guy the evil eye. He's afraid to look at you right now. What is your birthday, April 13th? Yes, it is. Thank you so much.

He looked right at you and said no and shook his head. All right. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. On to the next one. Camouflage open dress shirt camo. Camo Crocs. I don't even know where you would begin to get camo Crocs from.

Okay. Our other regular is a goddamn sensation. A murder... A murdering, murderous comedian. So much fun. A roast guru. One of the newest door guys here at the Comedy Store. Make some noise for him, everybody.

It's the one and only David Lucas. Here we go. Here he is, live in the flesh with a brand new minute, David Lucas. Yeah. Good-looking women don't change the world. You know what I'm saying? Because they too busy going to dinner and brunch. Like ugly women have all the time on their hands.

You know what I'm saying? That's why they so fucking innovative. Example, the lady that made Me Too. Y'all ever seen that bitch? She look like Vin Raines in the face. Like, she just look like she had to do a lot of fending for herself when she was a kid. You know what I'm saying? I refuse to believe she got me too.

You know what I'm saying? She was more like a same here. You know what I'm saying? She was more like a same here. You know what I'm saying? Like, in order for me to fuck her, I would have to be me too. You feel me? Like, bitch, you ain't got me too. Thank y'all. Hell yeah. Brand new minute. David Lucas. Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Another fun one. Yeah. Hell yeah, dude.

Another fun one. Yeah, like you. Absolutely. Welcome back. Are you working tonight? Yeah, I'm working. He's in the gear. I didn't even know he was doing comedy.

I just saw him when I came in. Oh, my nigga. There you go. It's true. I feel it. I love it. So how's it been going working at the comedy store? That shit, you know know it's cool man

gotta deal with a lot of motherfuckers people it's so funny when people try to just like walk past you when the rooms are sold out and they're like hey I'm a comic I'm like motherfucking me too what's up what you mean have you had to be mean to anybody yet

yeah you gotta cuss I mean because you know when you first start working you be all nice, and then they just like, hey, motherfucker, where you going? You know, like, they don't deal with, hey, excuse me, what show are you going to? You know where you going? Like, that don't work. I see why door guys turn into assholes, because people don't listen. Yeah, it's true.

This place turns people to the dark side, for sure. It gives them a little bit of a, gives them a little evil edge. Did it turn you to the dark side? sure. Gives them a little bit of a gives them a little evil edge. Did it turn you to the dark side? A little bit, yeah. I mean, I was already sort of a dark side guy, but yeah, you know how it works. What was that, Star Wars?

That's the Jedi theme song. Oh, shit. You picking up a sword? That's the wrong weapon in your country. It's true. Ours is more of a backpack. Yeah.

Right. When that nigga, Russell Peters, tell you he bombed, they got a whole different meaning. It's true. That is,

that is. When he bombed, 10,000 niggas died. Wow. I didn't realize there was that many N-words where you're from. They got like a billion people over there, right?

1.3, and we got black people that are blacker than black. Wow. Don't point at me. We got Indians that are black to the point where black people even go, God damn, motherfucker, you black as shit. Wow. You sound black. You sound blacker than me.

I know it happens sometimes. Like you smoke black in miles. That's Newport's if I had to. Newport 100. Like you clean shaven, but you sound like a nigga. I know. I'm a product of my environment. I feel you.

What about you, white guy? White guy? What about me? You like you just woke up out of a coma. I mean, yeah. Encino, man. Your voice has put me to sleep. You got a soothing voice.

Motherfucker, put some chapstick on before you talk to me. You like you've been smoking weed out of a tailpipe. That motherfucker put his mouth on a tailpipe and somebody cranked up. A tailpipe on a car? Did he even say anything? I don't know if there was a joke in there. I heard like three different sentences. What did you do before working at the comedy store?

Shit. You didn't do anything? Nope. My first job? I mean, in like six years. Oh, nice. So what was the... Just comedy and acting and writing.

What was six years ago? I worked at the LA Times. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. Doing... Where were you? They would squeeze your finger to make ink? It's really funny.

Nah, that was like my first job out of college. I was there like six weeks, six months, something like that. Which one? Those are two different amounts of time. Six months. Six months. I wasn't there long. So this brings up an interesting thing.

You were talking about how Russell seems black to you, and that reminded me of many of the white qualities that we know about you. David Lucas has an amazing grasp of famous white people's songs. He knows like all the words to many classic super white people's songs. Nickelback, all these things. Toby Keith. Toby Keith, right? We sang that together in Sacramento, right?

Yeah. You fuck with some hollow notes? I can't go for that. Can't go for that. Can't go for that. Sounds like me talking about Chapstick. It's all good. White people are not known for having big lips.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, I have big lips? No, nigga. You just got dry ass lips. He's got a point. That nigga shit. Like he was hooked up to an IV today. You know that shit?

So we know that you have some knowledge of white people things, white people music. So I'm going to ask you this for the first time ever. What is what are some of the blackest things about you that we don't know about, David? A baby mama. Oh, you have a baby mama. Yeah, just one. I got two. Shit. Ooh, damn. Product of my environment.

Where you from? Toronto. Y'all don't even like y'all doves. You safe ass. How old's your baby? Five. Five years old. Heck yeah.

You getting him something for Christmas? She gonna get a lot of shit. Oh, she. Yeah. Look at that. An LA Times subscription? That might be funny if I could say it, yeah. Yeah, you can.

So, like, what are you gonna get her? Anything cool? She want a LOL, like a LOL truck house. It's like a LOL RV. Oh, yeah. I'm gonna get her that shit.? She want an LOL, like an LOL truck house. It's like an LOL RV. Oh, yeah. I'm going to get her that shit. It's like $130. Oh, she'll go crazy for that.

And then they got to get her the other big-ass fucking LOL thing the size of this table. You seen that? It's just like a bunch of dolls in it. Yeah, I ain't in that tax bracket. It's cheaper than the other thing you was talking about. This nigga talking about $1,000 toys. That's $100. You would have saved $30 if you go this way.

Oh, shit. You probably got a specialty toy store. Have you ever struggled to get, have you ever struggled in any way while parenting? Like, have you ever

had a... I mean, I mean, a lot of, you know, minorities and a few white people probably know, like, the struggles

of, like, when you have a baby mama and you don't want to fuck with her no more and how she try to use the kid as leverage. Right. You know what I'm saying?

And not a lot of people have the means to get a lawyer to, you know, rectify everything. So, you know, if you got bread, go ahead and get that lawyer and put yourself on child support. So that way she can't like fuck with your visitation or anything like that. Hell yeah. Absolutely. They still try. They still try. They will.

But then it's like, all right, this shit on paper. You ain't let me get it. It don't matter. Trust me. It's stacked against us. You, nigga, not me. Wow, a bunch of angry women in the crowd just said, yep. Jesus Christ.

Fuck y'all hoes. I'm not having no more baby mamas, bro. All my kids going to be like, I'm going to buy an egg and use my sperm and hire a fucking surrogate mama. I ain't dealing with no motherfucking bitches. That's right. Absolutely. What does your baby mama do? I don't know. Shit. I think she still works at

Corporate Wells Fargo. Oh. So she's the reason. Yeah. One in the bank, two in the stank, dude. Fuck that. One in the Fargo, two in the bank two in the stank dude fuck that one in the fargo two in the cargo one in the wells and how badly it smells

that's a good booty joke what he been doing all day like up here what do you mean what do you what do you look like he just woke up. No. He just looked like he woke up to a fire alarm.

I happened on Burley, yeah. Amber Alert? I was going to say I happened on Burley, yeah. Oh, oh. I got tired eyes, yeah. You look tired in the morning. Like he took a red-eye flight. David, did he even say two words to you before you ripped into him?

I just want to know, man, because shit. Now that you mention it, I sort of see it. He does have tired eyes tonight. I think it worked. Lethargic. You have a long day today, Adam? Yeah. I like this fool. I said what up to you the first day

I saw you here. Oh, you did? Yeah, you don't remember? I mean, all y'all white people look alike. Oh. I can't tell you from Anthony Jusselnick, nigga. All y'all just blended. Fair enough, yeah.

I mean, Russell stand out. I know that, nigga. Yeah. And then he drive a Lambo truck, so it's like he really stand out. Wow. That's how I stand out. Right, nigga.

Well, David Lucas, you did it again. Very fun set. Very fun interview. David Lucas, you did it again. Very fun set, very fun interview. David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to keep flying through it. Yeah. Let's do it. Yeah.

You guys want to do this one more time to the bucket, huh? Do you guys want to do this one more time to the bucket, huh? I just got Williams lit up in the hallway under red light, and I just got my own little William Montgomery wink there. That was adorable. Thank you, William. Fuck yeah, right back at you, buddy. You guys want to do this one more time?

Nobody on the second level making any noise right now. Guys, you want to go back to the bucket one last time? Jesus fucking Christ, man. Come on. Okay. Make some noise for, we know this young man. Make some noise for Quentin Thomas,

everyone. Quentin Thomas. There he goes. One more time, your final comedian of the night, Quentin Thomas. So I do a thing I think a lot of guys do during sex, which is you feel like you're about to cum, you start imagining weird shit, distract yourself, you don't cum so quick.

But sometimes it doesn't work, so I just end up cumming thinking of weird shit. You guys have no idea how many times I've cummed to that Toys R Us giraffe giving birth. It's a lot. So I don't know if you guys know this, but Jewish people, Jewish people actually don't believe in hell. They believe that just from earth you go right up to heaven,

which I think begs the question, is earth Jewish hell? Kind of make a lot of sense, right? I think it's a fair thing to say that throughout history black people and jewish people have been oppressed like about the same but black people have this spirit like black lives matter where jewish people are like we're just trying to get through this it's okay i can finish yeah go ahead uh's okay. I can tell those jokes because I look Jewish. All right, guys. Thank you. There you go.

Quentin Thomas coming in. Hitting his beats. Executing his jokes. Speaking clearly. Depending on his writing. Not on anything else. That's very fucking cool. Good set, Quentin Thomas.

Thank you. It's weird to have a guy close on a good note like this. Yeah. It is crazy, especially when it's the world's tallest second grader. This is very exciting. This is like a Michael Richards son

or something like this. Don't get me started. Hey. On his son? No, I was going to say the N-word. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah. Prove it. That was the joke. That went the other way with it, Hey. On his son? No, I was going to say the N-word. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah, prove it. That was the joke. That'd be the other way with Adam. Probably don't do that. Yeah. What size shoe are you? Huh?

What size shoe do you take? 13. Wow, the same as the age that you look. Incredible. So, Quentin, welcome, welcome. You've been on this show a couple times, right? Yeah, twice. Yeah, and I've seen you roast battle a lot. I judge a lot of your roast battles. You do that show a lot, right?

Yeah, I've done, I think I'm up at like over 20 battles now. Wow, you know what your record is? Oh, I've done 20, so I'm 14, 5, and 1. Wow, 14, 5, and 1 is a very good roast battle record. Thank you. It's incredible, especially the fact that you can win looking what you look like. It says a lot about your writing skills. Thank you.

So tell us more about you, Quentin. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up like five and a half years. Five years. What do you do for work? I am actually currently unemployed. I got laid off two weeks ago. Wow, what'd you get laid off from?

A construction job. You were working construction? I know. Everyone always acts surprised. He was painting the ceiling corners. Literally, they would make that joke every day. They'd be like, touch the ceiling. I'd be like, alright. How long have you had that mustache?

Month and a half. How's it working out? It's alright. What do you think? It's a little creepy. Show the audience. Look directly at them. Can you it working out? It's all right. What do you think? It's a little creepy. Show the audience. Look directly at them. Can you guys see it? Be honest.

You look like the kid that's going to steal a kid. You know what I'm saying? A seven-year-old Mexican. I mean. She looks so creeped out by me. She's like, eh. Yeah. What's your dick like?

Wow. The Joelberg asking the tough questions. Perfect Joel question. Oh, shit. Front and center. He's tall. I always wonder if tall guys are packing No, it also has a mustache Is this going to be my calling my dad? Can you just describe it? Can you describe it to us?

It's good It's good, it's not a sandwich It's black Would you describe your dig as an EP or an LP? It's a full bonus album, baby. Wow. I don't know music stuff. So when you say it's good, do you mean good for a smaller person?

No. Or does it match your... It makes sense. It does? Yeah. So then it's probably really big. Yeah, it's on the bigger side, I would say. Oh, okay.

Do girls ever say ow when you put it inside of them? I've had one struggle. Partner or struggle? No, this is like a hookup. It just didn't work. Yeah, what happened there? It just, the pieces just, you know, it was very small. What ethnicity was she?

She was white. Uh-huh. Yeah. Why do you say that's the only woman out there? She was white. Yeah, she just had a tiny vagina? Yeah, just like a very narrow, narrow vagina. You sure it wasn't her butt?

Yeah, are you sure it wasn't her butt? Well, no, it worked some ways, and other ways it didn't. So then when it wasn't working, I Are you sure it wasn't her butt? Well, no. It worked some ways. In other ways, it didn't. So then when it wasn't working, I was just like, ah, stop it. Was it shallow or narrow? It just would go in and just out. Shallow. It was a shallow one.

Yeah, shallow. Yeah, that was a butt for sure, mate. Hey, maybe it was. I don't know. I don't know what's going on down there. Maybe it was. And her pussy smelled like shit. And my dick was just covered in shit.

Are you still single? Yeah, yeah. Do you date a lot? I actually got a couple dates coming up. Oh, wow. How do you plan that? How do you have those in the docket? Like, are those scheduled up? Oh, yeah. Well, it's funny. He knows the recess schedule at every school.

One girl, like, one girl I'm meeting up with Friday and another girl, she was like, how does December 7th work for you? Wow, look at that. I think I'm free. I don't know. I don't have a job. I'll do whatever. My God, December 7th.

She's really penciling you in there. I know. This one winter break starts. And this one Friday, that's a first date too? Yeah, first date. Where do you find these girls at? Hinge. Whoa, what's that one?

I've never heard of it. Anyone on Hinge? It's great. It's the only dating app that works for me. Yeah, describe it to us. All right, so the rundown of Hinge is you get like five pictures and you get three questions. And then you can like either a picture or a question

and you can write a comment on it. So it's not just looks dependent, and it's not just some generic, I like the office and dogs kind of bullshit that a lot of girls do. So you get to actually interact in a conversation. And I'm better at that than I am looking. You hear that, girls who like the office and dogs? You're meaningless. Have you thought about what are you going to do since you don't have a job? How are you going to...

I don't know. I'm playing it by ear for that. Have you ever met a girl in person? Yeah, sure. Just walked up and like, hey, how are you? I'm tall. I mean, yeah. In high school I did that. Was the last time you talked to a girl

you didn't know? I don't drink anymore. When I used to drink, I used to go to bars. Why don't you drink anymore? Because I'm an alcoholic. Right. Things got a little out of control? Yeah. Every time I drank, I would black out.

What was your drink? What was my drink? Anything. What was the last hurrah? When did you know that you hit bottom? I just got super drunk, and I tried to make out with this guy's girlfriend. It wasn't cool. Wow.

In front of him? Huh? In front of him? No. Yeah. Well, that's okay then. No, it's not. It wasn't okay.

Wow. So, my goodness. Did he find out about it? Oh, yeah. What happened then? It just wasn't good. Did he fight you? Want to fight you?

He wanted to fight me. Did he throw a puck at your face? Yeah. It was Kyle's dad. Wrong guy. Wrong guy. It was Kyle's good. Did he fight you? He wanted to fight me. Did he throw a puck at your face? It was Kyle's dad. Wrong guy. Did you just put your hand on the top of his forehead or swing it at you? Wow. Do you have any special skills or talents or anything

that we don't know about other than, of course, fucking making a layup on a basketball court? I don't know. You guys like talking about weird shit. I went to the mental hospital last year. That's fun. Nice. For what? Huh? For what? LA, did you hear him? He went to a mental hospital. Come on.

You guys have been there. I've been there. We've all been there. Come on. Tell us about it. Mad respect. Tell us about it. It was weird. It was a 30-day mental health treatment. How soon after you stopped drinking

did you go to this mental hospital? It was a year and a half. So it's like it was rehab, but for crazy people, basically. So it was a bunch of people who were like, hey, I tried to kill myself. And we were like, no way, me too. And then we all bonded on that.

Is it that friendly and fun? Honestly, yeah. You can find community anywhere. You're like, I tried to hang myself, but I couldn't get my feet off the ground. Exactly. We would... Because they would like...

Nice! They would like, you know, really restrict what we could do and stuff. So one of the games we would play is we would try and figure out how we could kill ourselves there. Ah, yes. That's fun. How'd you feel?

Did you come up with any good ways? Oh, yeah. So I was on the second floor, and there was this balcony, and for some reason they left these boards outside the balcony. So I was like, oh, well, what you can do is you can close the balcony door, jam one of those boards in there so they can't get you, and then hang yourself from the second story. Oh, look at that.

Did anybody take you up on their own? No, no. One girl got 5150'd while we were there. That was crazy. And that, remind everybody what that is again. That is an involuntary stay in a mental health ward, which is different from the mental health hospital. So that's like a straight jacket type thing?

Yeah, yeah, I've been there. Padded room. What did she do to earn that? Well, she was a clever girl. Velociraptor. Sounds like a genius. She was a self-harmer, and so she stole a paperclip from the office and just was going at it. Wow.

What's the cafeteria like at the mental hospital? It sucked. We all got the same meal. What's that? It was just like whatever the cook felt like cooking. And like half the time it was okay, but the other half it just sucked. Like grilled cheese and like old soup? No, like bad chicken. Like they messed up

chicken a lot. God damn. I'm sorry. Oh my god. Should have killed yourself over that. You went in for attempted suicide? Yeah, I've had five suicide attempts Oh wow, five attempts Look at you Five times club, dude

I know, I should get a jacket, right? Finally found something you're not good at Five suicide attempts What ways did you try? I've tried jumping out windows I've tried pills You can't do that when you're 6'7". Multiple windows?

Once. Well, what happened was I was going to jump out a window and my mom pulled me in. What is that string? Is that so you could hang yourself? Get it out of here. My goodness. This guy's like a suicide magician. This stuff comes out of his sleeve.

And there's some pills. You jumped out of his sleeve. And there's some pills. He jumped out of a window. So, yeah. And then that's when I got put in the mental, like, ward. Right. And then this is funny. What happened was I went in. So far, so good.

Yeah, no, it's great. And I went in, and this guy was there with his mom. Like, his mom was visiting him in the hospital. And I was 19 when this happened, and I looked even younger than I do now. And she was like, oh my god, what happened to you? You're so young. And I was like, oh, I tried to jump out of a two-story window. And the mom was

like, oh my god, that's awful. And the son just leans over and goes, hey, you know that wouldn't have killed you, right? Someone quit. That's funny. Quit. Get this guy a wireless mic Chroma Chris Wow out of nowhere

That's DJ Snack Pack ladies and gentlemen DJ Snack Pack DJ Snack Pack There you go I saved just some fucking A lot of time Quentin so the other four suicide attempts What are we talking about here Pills all of them Well actually one time a lot of time. Quentin, so the other four suicide attempts, what are we talking about here? We got one out of a window.

Pills, all of them. Well, actually one time, so I was driving across country, right? And I was in Baltimore and I was just like, fucking, I can't do this anymore. So then I went to drive to a bridge to jump off a bridge but then I was under construction so then I just went and cried in a McDonald's

parking lot. I was staying in a $46 motel that night. It was not my highlight. Wow. Fancy pants. I wouldn't be caught dead in Baltimore. No, if you were in Baltimore, you would be dead. My goodness.

Did you ever have friends that tried to talk you out of any of these? Or give you the pills? Yeah. Tell you what bridge to go to? I had friends that tried, you know? Yeah. But it's like, what can they do, really, you know?

Well, you know what? There's no better way to end this episode than to let you kill yourself right now in front of all these people. Am I right? How many of you want to see him

kill himself? Woo! Spotlight, dude. Okie dokie. I guess that's not going to happen. Oh, my God. You were going to do it. What the fuck?

I clearly don't know what I'm doing. It's fine. Somebody get this man a radio and a bathtub. I don't fit in bathtubs. Wow. Another fail! Like, we could fill the water all the way up, and I would still displace it enough so the toaster couldn't sink.

But now you would say that your mental health is in a great spot? It's okay. The unemployment hasn't helped. I'll say that much. What's your plan of action considering the unemployment? I'm just going to apply to a bunch of places. Any type of job? I've applied from everywhere to a warehouse job.

Is there anybody in the audience that can offer this guy a job? Anybody run a fucking storage unit or warehouse or anything like that? I live in North Hollywood. Anybody need pot lighting? Anybody? Whoa, what's the job? We're making sandwiches? Whoa, yeah.

I've done that, yeah. Too many knives. Where's the sandwich place? Hey, I need a fucking job. I have rent due. Firehouse subs, she said. Huh? Firehouse subs?

Wow! Dude! And that is tonight's episode. That's Quentin Thomas. He's on social media at Quentin Jokes. Go talk to them. The newest employee at Firehouse Subs.

I love Firehouse Subs. I would just say, keep him away from the carving knives, alright? There you go. More important that you hear that saxophone than jokes. How about a hand for the band, everybody? How about them tonight? They did it.

Look at this drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt. Good. Thank you. Ryan J. Ebelt, ladies and gentlemen, with a drawing like that. How about one more time for the great and powerful Russell Peters, everybody? The Amazon special. The Departed World Tour comes out in January. Joining some of the new top-notch talent over at Amazon,

Jim Gaffigan and so many others, Brian Callen. He has joined Amazon. And in my opinion, that's one of the fucking great places to be. I mean, maybe the place to be because other places seem to be so oversaturated. So I'm very happy for you. Yeah, exactly. How about one more time for Russell, everybody? And how about one more time

the one and the only sleepy eyes, Adam Ray, everybody! And his lips. Check him out in Phoenix, Omaha, D.C. on New Year's Eve and so many other great places. The tickets are at AdamRayComedy.com and get his new special everywhere.

It's called Read the Room. How about one more time for DJ Unicorn Nats, Jeremiah Watkins, everyone. St. Louis, San Diego, Kansas City, Chicago, and Detroit. JeremiahWatkins.com. There's a new Jeremiah Wonders episode up, right? You're going to tell us?

Yes, with Mike Feeney out right now and then doing a special that we're going to drop for Jeremiah Wonders for the 100th episode next week. There you go, the 100th episode of his podcast next week. And he's going to be with us on all the tour dates, Columbus, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Calgary, San Antonio, and Houston. How about one more time for what batted 1,000 tonight? Chroma Chris, everybody. DJ Snack Pack, what did you think about tonight's episode? Oh, it didn't Chroma Chris, everybody. DJ Snack Pack, what did you

think about tonight's episode? Oh, it didn't miss a beat, Tony. DJ Joe. Also, be sure to check out the new Baby Boys album on Spotify and Apple Music. It's me, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Pat Reagan. Hell yeah. Kill Tony band royalty, Pat Reagan. How about one more

time for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, huh? Come on. He's on social media, Pat Reagan. How about one more time for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, huh? Come on. He's on social media, mostly sorry. What else, Joel? You're an official Ludwig artist. He's coming with us on the tour dates. What else, Joel? Oh, shout out to my 10 Planet Jiu-Jitsu homies.

They're here tonight. And a happy birthday to Russell Perry. Oh, happy birthday, Russell Perry. All right. And yeah, you guys heard it. The tour dates are up. Everything's happening. A lot of stand-up dates with that, too.

And we're going to be coming out with more announcements very, very soon. Make sure you check out the new EP from the Cold Blue Rebels, available everywhere. It's called The House That Frank Built. That is a band by our great sound guy up there, Danny Lucas, everybody. The one and the only silent but deadly every single episode he's such a great help with such a great help with Storcade every episode of Kill Tony takes the show

to another level on lights and sound and be sure to pick up the new Big Gay Calendar and Kill Tony the book available for your Christmas pleasure get the Big Gay Calendar because it's for 2020, and they have thousands left. And that's it.

Live audience, thank you guys so much. Next week, really big deal, next week our guests will be Dan Soder and Andrew Santino. So that's a really big deal as well. And then after that, it's Andrew Schultz, December 9th, live here, followed by a big stand-up show afterwards called Shadow Band with me, Andrew Schultz, Tim Dillon, and Andrew Santino. Red Band?

We have a lot of new shows at Death Squad. We have Brian Holtzman's new podcast. We got William Montgomery and David Lucas' new podcast, the regulars here at Kill Tony. Go to DeathSquad.tv and check out all the new shit. Thanks a lot, guys. David Lucas and William Montgomery are at American comedy company in San

Diego, December 14th, 13th, the 13th catch William and David Lucas, San Diego, December 13th, live audience. Thank you.

Good night. live audience thank you goodnight Thank you.