KILL TONY - KILL TONY #418

Episode Date: December 6, 2019

Andrew Santino, Dan Soder, David Lucas, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 12/02/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.TV, for every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the show. This week, we are going to be off to Columbus, Ohio, December 12th. Then Kill Tony, Pittsburgh, December 14th. December 15th, we're going to be in Cleveland, followed by next year, San Antonio, Houston, Calgary, and Vancouver. Check out DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website. That's TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have his own merch and his own tour dates for his stand-up comedy.

Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist. he has the new Kill Tony book out. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. Go get some Kill Tony t-shirts. Check it out. We got a bunch of Death Squad hats and we got the new patch. So if you like patches, go to shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Come to you live from the real famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Hatch. Yeah. What's up, everybody? We're here. We're live. It's the real deal. Kill Tony live from the Comedy Store. Look, it's Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen.

You know him. You love him. We're here. We're live. How you guys doing tonight? You feeling good? Excited to be here? We're the number one live podcast in the world. It's exciting stuff. We're going to Columbus, Ohio next week to do the show there. Going back home. A lovely month of December. Pittsburgh, December

14th. Columbus, the 12th. Cleveland, the 15th. Columbus, the 12th. Cleveland, the 15th. Yeah, how exciting is that? San Antonio, January 9th. That's a Kill Tony and a stand-up show. And Houston, Kill Tonys and stand-up shows, both nights, January 10th and January 11th. And Calgary, January 23rd is a Kill Tony with stand-up shows on the 24th and 25th that I'll be headlining and featuring some of your favorite characters here from the Kill Tony

show and then wow breaking news ladies and gentlemen how exciting is that this is an unofficial announcement because by contract we're not allowed to announce anything but keep an eye on our social media accounts tomorrow morning, especially if you live in Vancouver, Canada.

So I don't know where Kill Tony Live is going to be in 2020. But if you live in Vancouver, look at our social medias tomorrow morning. That's Tuesday, December the 2nd, right? The 3rd. Yeah, that's tomorrow. And also, look out for Kill Tony East number two will be announced this week. So for those of you out there, we made history right between Boston and Providence with the first ever Kill Tony East show. And we're going to do it again. So be on the lookout for that. Hey, look, it's the great Ryan J. Ebelt, everybody. He draws every single episode of the show. He's already started tonight's drawing. He's also the author of Kill Tony,

the book, the perfect Christmas gift for that Kill Tony fan in your life or yourself, which reminds me there's also they gave me this to hold up because they're having trouble selling them it's the big gay calendar from the kill tony band everybody if you guys yeah if you love uh paper calendars if you like guys and costumes all right yeah there you go so that's uh that's for sale too you can get that at jeremiah's website or somewhere i don't know who knows But I'm sure if you try hard, you'll find it. There are thousands available. I'm

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This could cost hundreds if you went to the doctor's office or pharmacy. Remember, that's 4hims.com slash kill Tony. Yeah, the holiday season is amongst us. And I'm going to tell you something. One of the things, you know, I'm a little bit different than you. We have two different body shapes, right? And one thing that I've been noticing is that during this holiday season, because I don't have a lot of, you know, cushion on my tushion back there, my brittle bones will sit on an ice-cold ceramic toilet, and it freezes it up. But you know what I've been doing lately?

Been spraying my butt with a tushy. Oh, gosh. Yeah. It's an amazing unconventional gift for everyone in your life. The bathroom is a modern-day self-care oasis. It does, yes, it doesn't need to cost a zillion dollars to upgrade your bathroom. You deserve Instagrammable luxury. Tushy only costs $79, and it changes your life.

You've probably seen a lot of people have bidets, and you're probably thinking, oh, look at that rich guy. You don't have to pay a bunch of money, and it's so easy. I just got one of these. It took me five minutes to hook up. And you don't have to, like, all it does is hook up to your normal toilet. You don't have to plug it in or anything. It uses the water pressure from your hose and stuff, and it cleans your ass and your butthole. water pressure from your hose and stuff, and it cleans your ass and your butthole.

And once you start using this thing, you are going to look down on people that use toilet paper. They are gross animals. But when you sit there with this water to spring your butthole for a cup, you'll stay there for an extra 20 minutes like myself. And if you use butt wipes, you know, wet wipes. He's actually reading the right print on this one, believe it or not. He may have written it himself, but this is incredible. You know, like those butt wipes, like everyone likes those butt wipes.

It's actually really bad for you. If you look at the instructions, you're only supposed to flush one at a time because it will clog up. It's not good for your toilet. This, you won't even need butt wipes anymore. After sitting on this for five or ten minutes, you don't have to clean anything. It's clean as a whistle. Wow. Wiping your butt with dry toilet paper does not remove

all the shit. This is literally what it says. I have one. It's the best. Tushy sprays your ass with fresh water. It's not toilet water. It connects to the water supply behind your toilet to spray your dirty parts with clean, fresh water. It's the same water you brush your teeth

with. It's only $79. It really is. It really is. This place is chaos right now. It's only $79, and the Tushy Ottoman is out now. It helps you get everything out. It's like a sexy tooth or cloud that helps you poop.

It's only $69. Nice. Go to go to hellotushy.com slash killtony and get 10% off your order. That's hellotushy.com slash killtony. Get 10% off your order and have a nice clean asshole for the holiday

season. That's the actual print, people. Dude, I love this shit. Do it. I can't believe that they paid for that. Oh. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Fun new ads. Fun new levels we're reaching here on Kill Tony.

And the return of two of our favorite guests of all time is amongst us. Two of my absolute funniest friends. Two guys that have made me laugh so hard that it's insane. Two of my absolute funniest friends. Two guys that have made me laugh so hard that it's insane. Make some noise for the great Dan Soder and Andrew Santino, everybody. Here we go. Here we go.

There he is. The great Dan Soder. The king. Andrew Santino. Andrew Santino. Hello, Tony. Dan Soder. What's up, dude. Hello, Tony. Dan Soder. What's up, dude? Welcome, welcome. Dan Soder has his debut HBO special out this Saturday, ladies and gentlemen.

He's with us right now. A straight white male with an HBO special. We got one through, everybody. His special Son of Gary is out this Saturday, 10 p.m. And, of course, he's also the co-host on the bonfire on SiriusXM with our good friend of the show, Big Jay Oakerson, who's going to be here. Special announcement, December 30th, sitting on panel again. One of our favorite guests in the history. I love him and I miss him so much. Yeah, baby.

You have the HBO special coming out on Saturday. That's crazy. Yeah. Now I've got to write new jokes. Now you're like, fuck. Yeah. Well, maybe you'll get inspired today from watching some of the dog shit comedians that get pulled out of this bucket. I like it.

Break them down to build them up. Good job, Tony. The great Andrew Santino is back, ladies and gentlemen. You know him. You love him. Whiskey Ginger. I mean, this guy, everything's funny. He never stops talking, and he just kills it all the time.

Yeah, don't shut the fuck up. But I am for this because I'm really excited to watch. I haven't been here in a while, and I love coming here, man. We're so excited to have you back. Love it. One of the truly funny people in this world. He's in Brea this weekend, the Ice House next weekend. Then he's done until 2020.

What is it? The Big Red Machine? The Red Rocket Tour. Then he's done until 2020. What is it? The Big Red Machine? The Red Rocket Tour. The Red Rocket Tour happening 2020. All over the country. Dog boners. Doing motherfucking theaters.

Fuck yeah, dude. Come see me. I need it, dude. Otherwise, you know, I'm going to get a divorce. But come out and see me, you guys. No pressure. Real shit.

Andrew Santino dot com, right? Yeah, go to Andrew Santino dot com. There you go. Absolutely. So there you go. You guys have both been amazing guests on this show before, so I don't think I need to tell you, but there is a band on this show, ladies and gentlemen. They are here

tonight, all together, as one strong singular unit. Every single episode, they commit to committing to different characters. You never know who they're going to be. Maybe it's the return of some of our favorites. Maybe it's brand new characters we've never seen before, like the super annoying DJs we met last week

for the first time ever. You never know what's going to happen. Let's all find out what they are tonight together. The best damn band in the land, everybody. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Walken, Strollberg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Whoa, what is this? What is this music?

Whoa. They know these guys very well. Oh, my goodness. Wow. There they are. No doubt about it. We know these guys. This is the...

I actually know this one. I've seen these guys in the Kill Tony the Band calendar, everybody. This is... These guys are from the month of... Fuck. Fucking paper calendar. The month of... Jesus Christ.

Almost. Oh, boy. Anybody seen the Irishman yet? Hey. It. Oh, boy. Anybody seen The Irishman yet? Oh! It's June, everybody. Look, it's Vinny Mancino, Joey No Shoes, and Rocco Fantini, everybody. They're here. The month of June, a famous month in the Kill Tony history

because it's Tony Hinchlife's birthday on June 8th, according to this calendar. Tony Hinchlife, what a bunch of respect. Roasted! So Vinny Mancino, how you doing tonight? It's been a while. Haven't seen you since Chicago, I do believe. Doing pretty good. Last time I was here,

Tiffany Haddish was here. Wow, that's right. You ate out her elbow during one part of that show. And then we have Rocco Fantini sitting next to you. No, that's Joey New Shoes because he ain't got no shoes. Yeah, the coppers came up to me and they were like, Joey, we got your shoe prints at a crime scene. I was like, how could it be my shoe prints?

I ain't got no shoes. That's why they call me Joey No Shoes. Tell them, boss. Batting a thousand already. Chroma Chris. Did you hear the crowd go wild? Oh. And here he is, Rocco Fantini,

ladies and gentlemen, back here looking like Michael Jackson's son that he hung over the rooftop. It's Blanket. Blanket. Blanket. Who is this Michael Jackson you speak of? Rocco, how you doing, buddy?

You know, I had never been better. Back to you in the studio. I don't know if he's talking with his hands or just air jerking off the whole time. I couldn't tell what he was doing. This is what it's like. All right, There it is. Rocco. My goodness.

Rocco Fantini. And all right. So we have the band. We have the guests. And then there's this, the Bucket of Destiny, everybody. Look at this wacky thing. Bunch of people signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket, do a 60 second long set and then get interviewed by me and this illustrious panel.

Find out more about them. Maybe some stuff that's more interesting than what they talked about on stage. Perhaps not. Anything can happen. You know your stand-up time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the Angry Bus Hollywood Bear.

There you go. There you go. Beautiful. You guys ready to start this show or what? We're live. We're here. This is it. Episode 4 17 or 418 or something like that of Kill Tony. That's right. Next week we have Andrew Schultz here. And then the week after that is our special 420 episode with a top secret guest. Is it weed-themed guest?

It's a weed-themed guest. But I can't say who it is. And it's not Doug Benson.. And it's not Doug Benson. Again, it's not Doug Benson. Who can you guess? I don't know, but I think Doug Benson would get mad. He's like, what the fuck do you mean it's not Doug Benson? I know.

That's my territory. Who's some other big weed comic? Oh, yeah. Chong? Ooh, yeah. Ever heard of Tommy Chong? No. But Shizzle Dizzle?

Wow, there you go. Maybe there's a hint right there. Maybe Red Band is just a bomb artist. Just figuring out a way to leak information that should not be hinted at whatsoever. But it's not Snoop. Or maybe it is. Who knows? It's a secret.

It's a fucking secret. It better stay that way, Red Band. Yeah, this guy. You think we got a fucking rat over here, huh? That's the biggest rat I've ever seen. You guys ready to start the show? Here we go. Kill Tony live from the Comedy Store.

Dan Soder, Andrew Santino. Okay, now last week we had a young man who got into, who got into his interview part, and we found out that his old father, who's a much older man, used to beat him when he was a kid. He threw a hockey puck at his face. We had a lot of fun with the situation.

We tried to get him to call his father on the show. He refused to do it. However, I did tell him during that interview part that if he decides to call his father next week, who he hasn't spoken with in like 17 or 18 years, that we will kick off the show with him. Before the show, he came up, and he has agreed to my terms, ladies and gentlemen.

Holy shit. So to get the show started tonight, I present to you a brand new minute from Kyle Gridley, everybody. Kyle Gridley. Here we go. Here he comes. Paul is dead? After the minute.

I was like, what the fuck, before the minute? Alright, hey, thank you, thank you. Sup, alright, hey, one time I was at a bar and I went inside the men's bathroom and there was this hot girl already inside the men's bathroom. And she looks at me and she's like, prop the door shut. And I was like, what? She was like, prop the door shut. So I propped the door shut and she went inside her purse and she got out cocaine.

And we started doing key bumps inside the men's bathroom. And I do a bump, and she does a bump, and I do a bump. And then the bartender, he just breaks into the bathroom and kicks us both outside of the bar. And we're outside, and we're talking. And, you know, I have to go. It's late. And I just didn't know how to say goodbye to this woman, you know? So this is what I figured out.

I was just like, I just tried to shake her hand. I was like, goodbye. And she looked at my hand, and she was like, put your hand in my mouth. And I was like, what? She was like, put your hand in my mouth. And I was like, what? She's like, put your hand in my mouth. And I was like, lady, do you want to kiss or do you want to hug? She's like, I want you to put your hand in my mouth. So I put my hand in her mouth, and she bit the shit out of me, guys.

Do you know how much it hurts to get bit by someone with cocaine, lockjaw? She would not stop chewing. I am an idiot. Don't do cocaine with a strange lady inside of a bar. There you go. There you go. Kyle Gridley with a new minute. I warned you that the minute wasn't going to do good.

I tried to warn you. The new minute's not going to work. People are going to be too excited about the part after. And the new minute I don't think would have worked on its own anyway. That kind of felt like church at Christmas. You're like, all right, let's go unwrap this present. Yeah, exactly. So welcome, Kyle.

What's up? How are you guys? Let's just jump right into it. Update these people on some of the information that you told me backstage right before the show. All right. So, you know, my mom, she called. How many of you listened to last week's episode? Okay. That's the show. All right. So, you know, my mom, she called. How many of you listened to last week's episode? Okay, that's the majority.

We're going to catch the rest of you guys up quick. All right. So my mom, she calls me on Tuesday, and the first thing she says, she says, Thanksgiving's canceled. She says Thanksgiving's canceled. And, you know, she says to me that, you know, your sister has been talking to your father,

and he's a crazy, rich, bipolar narcissist. And, you know, your sister has been talking to your father, and he's a crazy, rich, bipolar narcissist, and, you know, how dare she, like, try to get him involved in our lives again, and I'm just, I'm so mad at your sister for this that I'm canceling Thanksgiving, and, you know, everything that happened last week, I'm like, okay, I guess I gotta talk to my mom, and I was like, all right, I gotta tell her, I was like, hey, mom, you know, if you're mad at my sister for talking to my dad, I think you're going to be mad at me, too. And she starts crying and yelling at me. She's like, oh, you're talking to him?

And I'm like, mom, I swear I haven't talked to him at all. And she's like, oh, so it means you're just texting him then, right? I think that's talking to him, mom. And it's just really bad. And this is what she says to me. She says, I'm going to have a stroke. And I just try to calm her down. And I talked to her for like two and a half hours after that.

And I just, you know, we're talking about it. And I guess how it ends is I just promised to talk to my sister. And the next day happens. The sister wouldn't give us the dad's number last week, by the way. This is a hard story to catch everybody up to. But we're going to stay connected. It's riddling me with anxiety. This guy is fucking riddling me with anxiety.

I feel like we're cops interviewing a guy. Calm down. Calm down. We were there. It sounded like a pop sound. But then I realized it was a fucking gun sound. And I fucking looked over. And I didn't know. Eric wasn't there and he was just fucking standing there. How old's your dad?

He's like 77. How old was he when he was whooping your ass? Like in his mid-50s. All right. Still strong, still had that man strength. Hulk Hogan could put an ass whooping on us and he's in his 50s. Yeah, he might have like dropped me one time. All right, sorry.

So he's in his 70s now and you haven't spoke to him in 17 years. A little bit, yeah. Yeah. Actually, I forgot when I was up here, I remembered that I had actually, he actually texted me New Year's Day in 2017. Whoa. I don't know. It was this weird message.

He texted me like 2.30 in the morning New Year's Day. Can you read the message? I erased it. I guess it bothered me or something. All right. Remember when I – This is starting to just feel sad. Does he come in and out of your life like that?

He shows up as a – The guy makes like $400,000 a year, and he doesn't have anyone to spend it on besides probably overseas trips to fucking little kid fucking places. Wow. All right. Your dad goes zero to 60. Zero to Epstein. Yeah.

Were you always so jumpy? This guy goes, how hard do I work? I go to private islands. Have you always been jumpy? I've always been jumpy. Yeah, you're very jumpy. A little bit. I used to sell drugs. I'm go to private islands. Have you always been jumpy? Jumpy, yeah. You're very jumpy. I used to sell drugs. I'm skittish.

Yeah, you're really jumpy. He's ran into me 13 times and spilled his beers on my shoe. I think I might kill the guy right now. Whoa. Vinny, Vinny, be careful. Those are the scariest guns. The one with the orange thing on the end. There's no way I would ever feel comfortable buying drugs from you.

Yeah. You have constant I have a wire on me energy. He's like, I'm a cop, I'm a cop, I'm a cop, I'm a cop, I'm a cop, I'm a cop. It looks like every time he goes to the bathroom, he goes, I can't fucking do this. And flushes the toilet. I'm fucking done. I'm fucking done here. I was bad at it.

I was really bad Yeah Yeah yeah yeah Yeah alright I don't know The story with my mom Gets worse though Alright Can we

Take a breath For one second Yeah And just realize That was a lot To start a show with It's good It's good

We're building up Thank you Vinny For coaching us Through it there Okay so continue Right so It's Wednesday now, and I'm having lunch with the comic who was on last week, the tall guy.

It doesn't matter. Okay. Anyway, and I get a call from my grandfather, and he only speaks Spanish. We speak like broken English to each other. And I think he's calling me about how my mom canceled Thanksgiving. And so I answer. I'm me about how my mom canceled Thanksgiving. And so I answer.

I'm like, hola, papi. You know, el dia del turquoise mañana. You call your grandpa papi like he's sexy or something? I don't know. No disrespect, Vinny, but you haven't seen his papi. He's a sexy motherfucker. All right, okay. It's Antonio Banderas.

Yeah. How old's your grandpa? He's 82. Wow. Oldie guy. Yeah, he's very old. You think him. How old's your grandpa? He's 82. Wow. Oldie guy. He's very old. You think him versus your dad's super fight? Well, my grandfather used to be a detective in Mexico City.

He'd probably fucking kill him. Anyway, okay. Sorry. Really? He's pretty fucking badass. Yeah, it's cool. Your grandfather's Sicario. Yeah, he stopped when the cartel started getting crazy. So where does that leave us?

He calls me and he... He calls me and... Right on. He doesn't even... He doesn't respond to me. He just says, Kyle, tu mami had a heart attack. That means your mom had a heart attack.

Thank you. Yeah. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, our Spanish translator on this show. Resident Mexican. Resident Bean. Resident Bean. Yeah.

And I don't know. You know, he's 82, so I'm trying to be calm and said, okay, I will handle it. I'm just going to call my mom and see. So I call my mom, and I don't know, I expect the doctor or something. But she answers. She actually answers, and thank God, you know, I asked her if she's okay. Like, where is she? She's at the hospital.

She actually answers and thank God, you know, I asked her if she's okay, like where is she? She's at the hospital. What happened was her hands and legs started shaking violently and she collapsed inside of a Ross dress for lesson. The ambulance got her and she got released from the hospital that Thursday and I just think she had a panic attack. Do you think that she knows some other stuff that maybe you don't remember because you got molested so hard? He didn't get molested, Brian. Molested and getting beaten are two different things, Brian. I mean, I don't know. Maybe I forgot it.

You forget that. I forget that. Molested and... No, but to Brian, it might be one and the same. I'm beating you, Brian. Daddy's beating you right now. Because this is being beaten. Being centrally kissed on the neck. Don't take this the wrong way,

but I would have hit you for sure if you were my son. I just... He's driving me nuts. There's a part of me that's thinking that he got scared into punching him. He's just like, oh, goddammit, Kyle. Can't keep bobbing in and out of my room, Kyle. I'm gonna hit you.

I was in the korean war you want to hear another story about my dad beating me i don't know story i don't know man i don't know i really don't know you're gonna tell one of them beating you i mean i know you're talking about it a lot i just i can tell you a literal okay people saying no all right no i mean my question is are you do you want to talk to him well you know man i've been thinking a lot i'm kind of you know i'm kind of distant from it, over it. When he messaged me on New Year's Day, I sent something back to him. I figured I told him off, and at this point.

What did you send to him? I have the text. Read that. Give us something here that you actually have shared. How many of you want to hear the text that he sent? When's the last time you talked to your father? This is, I think, after Donald Trump was inaugurated. No, no, no, no. When's the last time you talked to your father? This is, I think, after Donald Trump was inaugurated. No, no, no. When's the last time

that you spoke to your father? Like in person? Text message, yes. In person was my grandmother's funeral, but this text message. I don't know when your fucking grandmother's funeral is, Kyle. 2013, I think. 2013. 2011. Is there any way to have Vinny read this text, by the way?

Can Vinny read the text? I think that's a good maneuver. Yeah, let's do it. Vinny Mancino's going to read the text. This guy, he's a no-nonsense guy. The angry text to your father. Yeah, I'm just saying, the message he sent me was just like a jumbled thing. I didn't know what to make of it.

He's like, this is a text message? It's a note. Yeah. Okay, this is a text message? It's a note. Yeah. Okay, this is a letter. You want me to go? Okay, here we go. That message makes no sense. It's poorly written

and has a bad narrative. You're giving your dad notes. He needed it. If you try and read it, which is hard, the message is about you, not me. It comes from a selfish place rather than trying to understand my perspective.

Phone lock. Is that it? It's long. Everything you've done to me, my mother, my brother, my sister, and especially that message has made me come to the conclusion that you're a very selfish person. Which is fine. Many people are. I'm sorry this is the case, if that's any consolation. I feel pity for you that you couldn't figure out

how to not be selfish in your lifetime. I hope you figure it out in the end for your sake. Anyways, if you want, have one of my uncles tell me when you're dead. Whoa, is that true? Does it really say that? Yeah, I said that. He has three brothers, and they don't like him either. Oh, my God.

All right, Kyle, you know what? I'm going to tell you something. This whole thing has drastically backfired on me. I thought this was going to be a brilliant way to start momentum, continue it from last week. Turns out three quarters of this audience have no idea what fucking show they're at. They have no idea what we're even talking about up here.

They came for the theater. There's a message from his father underneath that reads who dis? So Kyle, you think it's a bad idea to call your father because he sues people like crazy. Is that correct? Yeah, he sues people. You know, he just starts lying.

He's a trial lawyer. He knows the game. He knows what evidence means and how to play people. And he's successful. Oh, boy. I don't know if you heard the 400K a year. Yeah. He makes some money. He doesn't do anything with it. He doesn't do Oh, boy. I don't know if you heard the 400K a year. Yeah. Make some money.

He doesn't do anything with it. He doesn't do anything with it. He has a lot of money just to fucking, just fucking. Yeah. Okay. You know what? You know what, Kyle? I'm going to put an end to this whole thing.

We're going to restart the show. We're going to go to the bucket. Kyle Gridley, ladies and gentlemen. Kyle. I fucked up. I fucked up. I take the blame for that. I don't.

I can admit when I made a mistake. That was a huge fucking mistake. Don't beat yourself up. It was some of the most depressing shit to start an episode of a show I could have ever have imagined. You had a lot of raw source material. If I strategically tried to bury the show harder, I don't think I would have been able to accomplish it. What if he would have brought up a home video of him being beaten? That probably would have

probably would have fucking killed. If it had the time stamp on the bottom right and like a slow ripple through it where he goes, that's what I'm getting handled at Christmas. Okay. I've gone to the bucket. You guys ready to restart the show? Let's restart the live stream.

Yeah. Kidding. What's up? My name's Vinny Mancino. How you doing? That's Joey No Shoes. Hey, the other day the cops came up to me and was like, Joey, we found your shoe prints at the crime scene. I said, how could they be mine? I ain't got no shoes.

Wow. It worked better the second time. Yeah, it was really good. I pulled a name out. We're restarting the show and your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Blueball. Blueball. One word. Blueball. That's interesting. Here we go. Ah, no

movement. Wow. Wow. Interesting. Is that movement? Is that blue ball? Yeah, here we go. Here comes blue ball, everybody. Miss X Stacy.

Never mind. Not who I thought. The opposite of who I thought. Nope. All the opposite. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen, Blue Ball. Hey. So, I didn't know what to wear because I was wondering if my camo toe makes my moose knuckle look big.

Like, I really need to worry about that because you can tell I'm aging, not so gracefully. I keep holding my boobs because if I run, like, one of them will get hard, and the other one's, like, pathetic. Anyway, I have a birthday coming up, and someone said, oh, what are you turning? Less desirable is what I'm turning, for sure. I remember when guys used to say, like, hey, can I do some blow on your tits?

And I'm thinking, fuck, yeah, hell yeah. Can I just fucking do a gagger on your dick? And they're like, well, fuck, I don't know. Like, does anyone ever ask that? I don't know. Does anyone ever ask that? I don't know. That was kind of a quid quid back in the day. I wish Tommy Lee was around. I'd be like, fucking A. It's a big ass line.

Blue Ball, ladies and gentlemen, and we are off and running live from the comedy store. Maybe we should get Kyle Gridley back up here. What do you guys think? Huh?

No. Blueball, hello. Welcome. This is your first time on the show. I think I'd remember you, right? I, uh, no. Yes, first time on the show.

Yes, indeed. First time holding a mic. Hell yeah. Okay. Is that true? Your first time on stage? First time ever. Wow, look at that.

The goat of the first time is here, everybody. That's very exciting. Wow. How long have you been preparing for this? Let me guess, 55 years. No, all right. Just kidding. Okay, I guess that's a little too much.

I'm trying to figure out. That was very nice. At first I was like, is that? No, that's very nice. Is it something you've always wanted to do? Yeah, because I'm inappropriate in every other place in my life. Tell us what's inappropriate about you. Tell us some real, true.

My mouth? What's inappropriate about your mouth? Everything that comes out of it. What do you say? What's the dirtiest word that you say? I tell everyone to suck it, basically. Yeah, Degeneration X. You've got some wrestling fans in the house.

How many marriages have you ended? Good question. From ex-pop to ex-wife. Hey. Never, never, ever. Ever? Never. Have you ever been married?

No. You've never been married? You've never ruined any? No, no one's ever. You're either one or the other. You sure you haven't ruined any? Usually people with camouflaged pants start trouble. They mean you're used to hiding

your bushes. You're telling me there's never been a man in a bank parking lot going, listen, I have a wife. I'd be like, do you need me to show her how to suck it? You gotta fucking leave me alone. I got a fucking wife. I got a fucking kid. I know your wife. Let's check in with Vinny Mancino over here. Fridays are for the girlfriend. Saturdays for the wives with Vin wife. Let's check in with Vinny Mancino over here. Fridays are for the girlfriend.

Saturdays for the wives with Vinny. So let's check in with him. Yeah, anybody ever told you you have the face of menopause? Whoa, Jesus Christ, Vinny. Hey. Vinny. Vinny didn't have to pull his little orange gun out to take shots at that one. My goodness.

She's talking about her sloppy titties and stuff. Yeah, I mean, you really have. You made fun of yourself much harder than I think we could. I mean, we're going to, but you really went at yourself. Is that true that you have a camel toe and a, both a camel toe and a,

what'd you call it, a moose knuckle? Well, one either is prominent while the other one is kind of sad. Andrew Santino is disgusting. No, no, no. I just. No, no, no. No, I just.

She's got a horse head in her pants. Oh. The amount of Xanax I need for this fucking show. It's like the fucking energy from these people is fucking killing me. It's like a safari where you get close. I mean, you're fucking killing me. These people are killing me. I feel like my soul is leaving you get close. I mean, you're fucking killing me. These people are killing me. I feel like my soul is leaving my body.

I love it. I'm not kidding. It's like fucking shit. I might leave. This is killing me. It's really hard to do. And I love you guys. Why do you keep grabbing your tits? Why were you doing this? Yeah, are you on ecstasy? What the fuck? You're rubbing yourself.

Guys, she said she was on menopause. The closest one to you is really happy right now. I have a question. What does that mean to you? Back in the day, like in my glory years. What would you say your glory years were? The 80s. I'm an 80s fan.

So the 1880s. What was happening? The West was being settled. Both of us. Yeah. We were on a wooden ship coming across the ocean. Just giving blowjobs in covered wagons. I'll get you to the next town.

South Dakota. There's a bunch of coal up there. Once let a guy do blow off my tits on the Oregon Trail. I've seen the Pacific. It's blue as the sky. Oh, shit. All right, Blue Ball, settle down over here. First time on stage, she's already resorting to prop comedy, everybody.

Whoa. How many office manager jobs have you gotten fired from? They go, listen, Justine Blueballs is a problem. Actually, it's only one. It's singular and there's a good story behind it. Is it a long story?

I can tell you in five words what it happened. I fuck the boss. I'm fired. Who doesn't? No, it was like from an aggressive masturbation. Wait, you got fired for aggressively

masturbating? No, no one gets fired for that. Come on. No, I think a lot of people do. Pretty sure Louis C.K. did. Yeah, that's true. And he's one of the greatest comedians of all time. That's true. I've written a game show for him to host.

Yeah, sure. So tell us something about your life, your actual real life, blue ball. Everything that I'm saying is 100% true. So sure, what have you done with your entire life? What did you do for work? What haven't I done? Well, what have you done? Why don't we fucking start

there, you haggard bitch? I mean, Jesus Christ. Have you... Have any of you ever seen an interview take place before? This is the only show every fucking Monday I'll ask somebody something. What haven't I? What do you mean? She's giving you

Batman villain answers. Yeah. Literally. She's like, if villain answers. Yeah, literally. She's like, if I was there, why would I be here, Tony Hinchcliffe? Writtle me this. All right. So there we go. Give us some information about you, Blue Ball. I worked for Club Med for three months in Mexico. Three months of your entire life.

Dude, you ruined so many marriages. That was like my third job in my life. I was a puppeteer's assistant when I was 12. Oh, yeah. Okay, okay. 12 years old, you were a puppeteer's assistant. How old was this puppeteer? His name was Simple Simon.

Oh, yeah. Oh, little girl, put your hand in my butt puppet. Simple Simon, puppeteer. There's so much tragedy. That's where the damage happened. I did a porn way back when. Whoa, here we go.

Now we're talking. One, two, three, no way. What year did you do this porn? Back when DVDs were just coming out. No, VHS was just coming out. VHS was just coming out? What was the name of it? Do you remember?

One Girl, Two Cups. Come on, Blue Ball. Stop trying to be funny. The year was 1920. They were called talkies back then. No, really. Honest to God. What was the porn that you were in? Was it the 70s, 80s?

No, it was not the 70s. It was called Bird Box because you had to be blind to see it. If you answered questions like a human fucking being, I wouldn't have to guess which decade this happened in. I'm a little fuzzy with dates, but let's say 1986, 87, 88. Good year. Okay, so it was. Hulkamania at its peak.

Good year. Good year. Brian, Google sleeps with the fishes. I'm three years old, still believe in Santa heavily. And you're doing a porn called? That's what it was called, One Girl, Two Cups. It was not called that. There's no way you did the prequel.

I disappointed. No, I didn't. One Girl, two. What were the two cups? They were like stackable. What's the thing Jesus drank out of? Sippy cups. Oh, the chalice?

Solo cups? One girl, two chalice. One girl, two goblet? What do you do with the cups in the porno? What's the point in you fucking lying right now? No, I'm not lying. You can research anything that I tell you. The only thing cups are used for

in porn is shit or cum. That's a totally different porn, Brian. Stop it. Brian's just watching random porn now. This is very weird. This is very bizarre. No, I actually met the two girls that did the sequel, the Brazilian one.

Oh, yeah. I was still doing some side work in the business. I was a de-fluffer, so to speak. What do you mean? She made sure that the guys didn't stay hard for too long. You know what I'm saying? Send in Blue Ball. Send her in.

She'll break them down for you. I swear to you. You're about to bust. Who's that lady? You're saying you swear to me, but there's no way that that's an actual job that you do. 100%. They had you around to make guys go soft. You're the opposite of red for a bull.

I never met a dick that I didn't disappoint. Oh, stop it. No, it's true. Ask all of my 35 or 50 ex-boyfriends. Oh, yeah. A lot of marriages you ruined. We're finding out more and more as it goes on. If only there was something that could make this hard dick go soft.

Someone, somewhere. You got to marry the girl that makes you soft. I've even done it on Skype before. You made a dude soft on Skype? Yes. Whoa. Or are you the thing that they think of so they stay in the zones?

And so like, instead of baseball, they're like, blue ball, blue ball. They need to move on to another scene. And so I have, I was born in the Valley.

I was a Valley girl. I grew up in Chatsworth. I was, see me Valley girl. Shout out Chatsworth. Anyway. Yeah. So I skipped out

of my high school year of graduating. What happened to you? And I got into the business. Oh, Tony. What's the part where? You know what happened. Where did the real switcheroo happen here? Like, was there a moment?

I'm like the baby. I'm the baby behind two, like, over-teaming sisters. And so when it came to me, I was like, fuck you. I'm not my sister. And fuck. Drugs? You it came to me, I was like, fuck you. I'm not my sister. Drugs? You like drugs? No, I don't do any drugs. I'm getting really dry mouth because I'm really embarrassed right now.

What are you embarrassed about? Because they said my face is menopause and shit. Oh, no, no, no, no. That's the part that stood out to you? That's the one that got you? That was it. My diaper and my whatever. You said that you're turning less

desirable every year on your birthday. No, I'm born on leap year, so every four years it's freaking huge. Oh my god. Oh my god. Right? I have a question. Grow my grits over there. No matter what, this is gonna be great.

Just by looking at you, how many kids have you left in a hot car? None. I don't know if I have any. I don't remember. I'm pretty sure I don't. Because he ain't got no shoes. No one calls me mommy.

Oh, wow. No, I was supposed to be a boy. I had a 1991 Gixxer 1100 back in the day when they had no helmets. Are you the mom from Requiem for a Dream? I'm going to steal your TV for heroin. No, no, no. Alright, Blue Ball.

It was great. For a first time it was unbelievably perfect. I'll just give you this advice. Answer questions honestly and directly. I can back up everything that I'm saying. 100%. You could back up. There's no way. Alright, that's pussy lips. Let's see them. Whoa, Brian.

Oh my god. You'll have to feel them. You're so disgusting. The only thing Brian thought about the entire fucking time. He goes, I bet I'm gonna see this moose knuckle. In all your history, Blue Ball, have you ever hooked up with a guy shaped like a basketball before? Red Bull?

Okie dokie. That would be good. Her name's Blue Ball, your red band. Look at that. Red and blue mixed together. What does that make? There you go. Hey, you answered one question honestly and directly. There she goes. Blue Ball, everybody. There goes blue ball.

Oh, my God. Living in a gangster's paradise. She's on social media at Miss X Stacy. All one word. That entire experience felt like a fucked up elevator conversation. That was that was like a fucked up elevator conversation. That was. That was like being on an elevator in the World Trade Center on 9-11. That's what that's like. You go, I wish this thing would just either collapse or go. Pulled another name out.

Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Rasheed Stevens, everyone. Rasheed Stevens. Here we go Rashid Stevens Is Rashid walking? Rashid

Alright We're going to pull another one Blacklisted Wow this is so exciting This is a young lady who Blew our minds in Kill Tony Sacramento. She impressed us so much that we had her back the next night, the only person that got a call back for the second show in Sacramento.

That show went so well that we had her come to San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania as one of the special guests. And this is her first time on the show since then. We were going to have her on as a special treat later on in the show, but clearly she signed up and that's the bucket of destiny here for you to save the day. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

for the fourth time ever on Kill Tony, the great Bridget Bennett, everyone. Here we go. This is very exciting. Bridget Bennett with her fourth ever minute. A real comedy veteran. Here she is. I believe this is her first time at the Comedy Store.

You guys excited? Bridget Bennett, everybody. I was trying to Anna Nicole Smith this guy the other day, but I found out he was a broke ass. I don't know about you, but my weekend's gonna be full of masturbating, self-loathing,

and heavy drinking. Somebody gave me a choker for a gift. But the only thing, I don't really like things around my neck. The only thing I like around my California is kind of strange, but I'll get used to it. Um... I think I would be good at rape. If only I was a little bit stronger. Thank you.

Bridget Bennett. There we go. Welcome back to the show, Bridget. Always fun. Heck yeah. I love that not a lot of people... This is your first time at the Comedy Store? Yeah, I've never been to the Comedy Store.

I've always wanted to come. Who knew that it would be on stage? Welcome, welcome. And how long have you been doing stand-up again? Ten years. Ten years. First time at the Comedy Store, and you wore Dirty Ostrich to top your cherry. Vinny Mancino is here.

Yeah, are you from the book Where the Wild Things Are? No, but I like that book. It's a good story. You're the sexiest yak I've ever seen. Aw, thanks. Yakety yak. Bridget, welcome to the show. This is your guys' first time seeing Bridget Bennett.

Yeah. She is... I love her. I love it. I was like, what a soothing energy. You were talking about energy. Very opposite of what was happening prior. I don't know if you were privy to.

I feel like if I bought weed from you back in the 90s and you're like, stick around and smoke a bowl, I'd be like, absolutely. Yeah. I'll fucking be late to work. She's like, I made mac and cheese. You're like, I know you did. I know for a fact you own an impressive aquarium. Is that true?

Do you have perhaps a solarium or an aquarium of some kind? I have a betta fish. There you go. There it is. That counts. That's the sound of a betta fish. Anytime somebody says the word betta fish on Kill Tony, you hear that noise. That is the sound of a

real live betta fish. How long have you had the betta fish. How long have you had the betta fish for? My friend J. Dean who moved to L.A. She gave me the fish and I managed to keep it alive. She's actually here in the audience tonight. Wait, who gave you the fish?

My friend J. Dean from college. She gave me this fish. I love that you have a friend named J. Dean. Yeah, she's right there. I feel like that came with that have a friend named J. Dean. Yeah, she's right there. I want to embarrass her. I feel like that came with that jacket. Yeah. J. Dean?

Here's J. Dean and your jacket. That goes with being friends with J. Dean. What college? I went to Oregon State. Beavers. Did you say Beavers at the end there? Yeah, that was the name of this. Yeah, the Oregon State Beavers.

Orange and black. Yeah, I don't like the Ducks. Yeah, fuck the Ducks. Fuck the Ducks. Corvallis is what's up, right? It's way better. She speaks in, like, facts. Yeah.

She's just like, I don't like the Ducks. And then she just gave it to us in the middle of her set. She was like, California's weird, but I guess I get used to it. It was a stream of fucking content. It had nothing to do with the joke at all. You might have a little touch of autism, huh? You think so? You think you hit the autism branch on your...

I feel like if we were in medieval times, you'd be an oracle. That's true. You'd be like, rain comes from the north. Heavy wind, fire soon. The new year brings war. And then I'd go back to the village and I go, I spoke to the Oracle.

We prepare for battle. Now, Bridget, you live where? Up in Sacramento or something, right? No, I actually live in Medford, Oregon. Medford, Oregon. Yeah. And you came and you drove straight down to L.A.? Or clearly by the looks of things,

you rolled down a hill to get here. There was a series of vans and cars and scooters involved. Well, the guy from the trucking place was going to give me a ride down, but UPS doesn't let anyone ride in his truck. So I flew to

Seattle. I feel like that's your Uber. And then I flew to LAX. I got here a's your Uber. And then I flew to LAX. I got here a couple hours before the show. How'd you get to LAX? From Seattle. Oh, you flew? Yeah, I flew.

That's so great. She goes, what happened was they left a crate of chickens open. I walked in. They boarded it shut. Yes, that is the sound of a chicken. Not to be confused with a betta fish. There you go. I had a sugar glider one time, too.

Really? What did you say? A sugar glider. A sugar glider? A sugar glider, yeah. It's an animal. What's that? It's like a squirrel, right?

It's like a flying marsupial from New Zealand. I couldn't bring it to California, but in Oregon you can buy them at the fair. What happened to your sugar glider? She made it into a jacket. Why do you call it New Zealand? How are you supposed to say it? I don't know. I'm not educated or nothing, but New Zealand?

Yeah, maybe. Bridget, remind us, what's your love life like? Are you currently hooking up with someone? I went on a date the other day with this guy. And on the second date, he called me up and he's like, hey, why don't you come on over to my house? I was like, cool. And I was driving on over to his house.

I thought we were going to hook up, right? But then he made me bring him. He's like, can you bring me some biodiesel? And then I had to jumpstart him on the side. Wait, hold on. Biodiesel? You are from Oregon, aren't you? Yeah.

He asked you if you could bring him some biodiesel fuel? In his defense, that's just her mouthwash. Come on, what are we doing? Come on. Biodiesel? How much biodiesel did he want you to bring? He wanted me to bring him two gas tanks full of biodiesel. Okay, okay.

Dude, that's so great. Just some fucking hippie trucker. What's up, babe? I got some cases. I got to get this quinoa down to fucking Fresno. Why do I feel like she's like a figment of all of our imagination? Like she's the Captain Planet of Oregon and like five Subarus brought her here together.

She's a Fig Newton of your immigration. What the fuck? Yo, it's the Tyler Durden coat. Red Band waits for the perfect moment. He always kills it. No one talks about it. Did you get this biodiesel for this guy? Yes, I got the biodiesel And then he didn't pay me back

What? Mike, if you're out there Not cool, Mike Not cool, Mike Not cool Not fucking cool What did you say his name was? Mike?

Mike Okay, you got it Mike, yeah Have you talked like this since you were a kid? Mike? Mike. Okay, you got it. Mike, yeah. Have you talked like this since you were a kid? What, Joel Berg was the question? I have no idea, probably. You have an interesting cadence. I was just wondering.

Yeah, I think I've always talked weird. Bridget, let me ask you a question here. I have a question that's been brewing in my mind here. And I want you to tell the truth. Have you ever murdered anyone before? No, but on the day I was born, my father was trying a murder. So maybe that's why I'm a murderer up on stage. Wow.

That's badass. He was tried for murder? No, he was trying a murder. He's a lawyer. Oh. Oh, he was trying a murder. Yeah. Gotcha.

Filthy piece of shit. I almost thought she was about to give us an oracle beginning. She's like, my father trying a murder. Gotcha. Filthy piece of shit. I almost thought she was about to give us an oracle beginning. She's like, my father thought of murder. It brought the birds. Then I was born. You notice the theme of these comedians' parents being lawyers. What does it say? Yeah.

It means if you fucking work in law, your kids are about to be fucked up. Kids are going to be fucked up. Yeah. Warped. Really warped. Is there any other amazing fun facts about Bridget Bennett that we should know about perhaps your childhood or your life overall? Anything else interesting that

makes you different and special? When I was a child, I grew up and my mom had me near a radio active waste facility. Oh! Man, I grew up and my mom had me near a radioactive waste facility. Oh. Man, the only way to follow this is if she goes, and now I can do this. Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. She starts levitating. And when she's done, she just goes, so that's pretty cool. And I learned how to do that. Anyway. That's how I got here from Oregon. I flew here in an electrical cloud.

Well, Bridget, always fun. You have real jokes. You're a 10-year comedy veteran. You just popped your cherry on the grandest stage of them all here at the Main Room of the Comedy Store. Congratulations. Thanks for making the trip. Thank you very much. There she is. She's on

social media at Space Bridget. All one word. Space Bridget. Bridget Bennett. How many do you like it when comedians that get pulled out of the bucket do good on this show? How many do you like it when comedians that get pulled out of the bucket do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show?

That's a weird crowd. I think they might like it when people do better. This might be the first crowd ever that likes to see comedians do good. Tough episode for you guys to sit through that. What is that? Oh, wow, look at that.

Fuck yeah. The vice president of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee, Annie Letterman, is here, ladies and gentlemen. Annie, show it over to church. It's good to see you, Annie. Annie Letterman. She is the first ever women's president of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.

She's the Hillary Clinton of Itty Bitty Titties. Tickets for Annie Letterman are at what? AnnieLetterman.com? Follow her on Instagram. Oh, you're playing content. You can see her in Chris D'Elia's mentions. Desperately trying to get more followers. I'm just kidding, Annie.

Oh, okay. You got me. You burned me there. I'm just kidding, Annie. Oh, okay. You got me. You burned me there. I don't know what that was. Okay. One more time for the great Annie Letterman, former Kill Tony guest. She'll be back on soon.

Great boobs. Great boobs. Pulled a name out. This looks like a brand new name. I think I'd remember this one if I'd seen it before. Make some noise for Tarbert Curbin. Tarbert Curbin. Tarbert Curbin. Here.

Wait, don't go. Tarbert Curbin. Tarbert. Oh, that's so funny. It's always the ones where it's not like all the way packed, where people like mysteriously aren't here.

Last week we had people stacked in the lobby and the hallways, and it was fine. Uh-oh. We know this guy must be here. He's one half of the Kleitsch brothers, ladies and gentlemen. It's Wesley Kleitsch. Is he here without his brother? There he is.

Here we go. Wesley Kleitsch. One more time for Wesley, everybody. Thank you so much, Tony. Oh, my God. It's so nice to get my name right one time. That's why you're one of America's next top hottest comedians right there, because you get my name right.

Kleitsch, that's not an easy one. Usually when I go out, people look at my name, like open mic comedians, they look at it, and they look at it like I look at a pregnancy test, you know? They look at it and they're like,

I'm going to butcher this. Ah! Did you guys see that that R. Kelly documentary won an award? That's got to be an awkward acceptance speech. You've gotta thank R. Kelly. There's no movie without him, you know?

Alright, that's my time. There you go. You didn't even need that end my time There you go You didn't even need that end part There's no movie without him is right I don't think you needed that end And I don't think you needed the big clutch beginning there That's a funny joke You had a funny joke tucked away

In the middle of all that I know, I freaked out I get so nervous hearing the mech of comedy Here at the Comedy Store, you know? Yes, you do. I really did get nervous. Dan Soder, Andrew Santino, I'm huge fans of you guys.

You can make it about them, but let's face it, it doesn't matter who the guest list is. I'd be nervous if that was my set list for the night as well. Kleitsch, I'm going to butcher this one. Anyway, so let me catch everybody up to speed. He's one half of the Kleitsch brothers, which are like, they are a comedy duo. They're twins, right?

Yes, sir. And you're rolling solo tonight. What happened? Well, he's working tonight. Where does he work? He works at Flappers. Whoa. No, don't boo that.

Fuck that place, man. Do you think do you have that thing where you can feel each other's pain? No, but we can feel each other's pleasure. So if you want to. So if you're like if you're banging in the other room, he's like, oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. I'm going to fucking lose it.

Penny Mancino, what are you thinking about this guy? Yeah. I mean, I'm just trying to size this guy up right now. Is it weird going on stage without, like, did you do the same jokes that you would have done with your brother, or is this a completely different set list?

That's what was going through my mind. Yeah, this is an all solo act. You know, it's got to be the same when you're performing without real big fish. Okie dokie. I guess this is one of the... You want to say it to my face again so Wesley what do you do for work your brother works at Flappers what do you do

I worked at Flappers I just recently got fired what did you get fired for I wasn't given a reason I was actually the manager there and then me and the owner did not get along very well how do you know you didn't get along with. And then me and the owner did not get along very well. Which one?

How do you know you didn't get along with the owner? Like, what do you mean you didn't get along? He said, I don't get along with you, Kleitsch. You are your shitty brother. He goes, you know what I don't like about it? There's two of you. Is your brother a manager at the club? Do what?

Is your brother a manager at the club? No, he's just a server there. I was an assistant general manager there. Ooh, AGM, all right. Did you curse a lot? Like, what's the reason? I honestly don't know. They just called me and said my services weren't needed anymore.

I really, I mean. Brian has no idea how people get fired. Yeah. Did you curse a lot? At flappers. Did you not tie your shoes the right way that morning? Did you follow the safety lot? At flappers. Did you not tie your shoes the right way that morning? Did you follow the safety rules? There's got to be a thing that you did. Do you know what?

You just didn't get along with the owner? Well, they said that I was stealing from them. Oh, here we go. Yeah, here it is. Here's the thing. The only thing I could think that I was stealing from them was I was giving good comedians time at the open mic and everything like that. I was giving them...

I mean... The one guy who gets hooked up at Flappers that doesn't work at Flappers anymore. He's like, fucking yeah, I had a place to run new jokes. So they said you were stealing time from comedians. So they said you were stealing time from comedians. Well, I was giving, because out there to do the open mic there, you have to buy a drink or buy one item to get a ticket to do it there. And I was giving tickets to good comedians.

Alice Hamilton, she was one of the comedians. Dylan Sullivan was another one of them. There's comics in the back going, dude, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Still want to work at Flappers. Shut the fuck up. Still want to work at Flappers. Shut the fuck up. I don't like this guy. He goes, I'm going to tell you right now, I know guys

that don't pay their taxes, and I'm talking about fucking John Reynolds. He's like, shut the fuck up. Shut up. So you lost your job. What else is going on in life? How are you making up for it? What are you doing for fun? Well, now I'm selling my body for money. I'm giving plasma

is what I'm doing right now. How much plasma have you given? A lot. So how many different times is that? How many appearances at the plasma place is that? I go twice a week. How much is it now? It used to be 60 bucks for me. Like how much is it nowadays? Wait, they bought your fucking

plasma? Yeah., my God. That's like in college. I would do it every week, and that would be my beer. We don't want to tell you this, sir. Imagine getting a blood transfusion. It turns out to be Red Band's blood. You end up looking like Bridget Bennett at the end of the whole thing. You don't even know what plasma is, Tony.

How much is it? Do you type A, B, or creamsicle? What is this? It's $100 and $75 alternately. Wow, that's great. How much can you give? Twice a week. What's the limit?

It's like a liter a time. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, it's a lot. And you're giving that much each time? You're just giving a liter of blood twice a week? It's not blood. Yep, it's plasma. It's just the liquid part of blood.

Right. Oh, so blood. Yeah, it's absolutely blood. Again, those of you trying to outsmart common sense. No, they take the blood, they take the plasma out and put the blood back in. Well, they put saline back in. So, yeah. There you go.

So you're just full of saline. So you're just like a fake tit. Yeah. You're a big old fake tit. Yeah. You're filled with saline. Yeah. Big boob.

I'm going to come thinking about titty fucking you later. Have you come up with any other solutions, or are you just going to slowly drain yourself out? No, no, no. I get unemployment, too. They didn't give me a reason for why they fired me. I just heard through the grapevine that they said I was stealing, but I really have no idea why they said that.

I mean, fuck that place, really. Well, Wesley, how would you like to have a new job here at the World Famous Comedy Store? I would burn down flappers to have a janitor job here. In that case, we can't hire you. I'm sorry. Arson is the top of their no-no list. The one thing you can't do here. Threaten to burn down a competitor.

We don't do that. Seriously, Tony, though, if you could do anything. No, I can't. I can't. I can't. It was all a setup. I know sometimes we give away $1,000 in a Ridge wallet. Sometimes we offer people a regular

position on the show. I have nothing for you, Wesley. It was. None of that is happening tonight. When I first moved out here a year ago, this is where I wanted to work. And I did everything I could. We did potluck. We did here. We did great and everything. And they said, keep on going. If you're funny enough, you can get a job here. And I wasn't funny enough.

And then I went to Flappers, and they made me a manager. That sounds like destiny, dude. It sounds like you said it. That sounds absolutely right. You weren't funny enough. You went to the shitty place. You got a fucking good job there. You ruined it.

You gave time away. So now what? Can you just fill in with your brother if he's not feeling good? Yeah, that's true. That's a great idea. Genius. Because he ain't got no shoes. Wesley, I'll tell you what.

I'll speak with someone about the possibility of that. Here's the thing. You've seen me and my brother's act. You guys, we got to know that. That's exactly why I'm not going to try that hard to get you a job. I don't think the managers here actually go on stage. I've never heard that before, though.

That's the only thing. Oh, yeah. No, you definitely wouldn't be a manager here. You would be. No, no, no, no, no. I mean, I wouldn't try to be a manager here. Like I said, I would be a janitor here. I would do anything to work here.

Because you want to know how flappers work? I can give you the ins and outs. I can tell you how to take down that place. This place is so crazy that literally. I would do anything to work here. You want to know how Flappers works? I can give you the ins and outs. I can take down that place. This place is so crazy that literally – Where the money's supposed to be. The current janitor of the comedy store owns like 15 cars. It's a job that a guy who's rich that always wanted to be around comedy – Well, in that case, I mean –

You see how underqualified you are to work here right now? I want you to really think about it. I want it to soak in. Like when I go to Yankee Stadium, do I want to be a Yankee? Fucking sure. If I could be a Yankee, I'd want to be a Yankee. But that's the equivalent of you working here at the comedy store is that you'll never be okie-dokie.

You can Rudy your way here, dude. I feel like you can Rudy your way here. Hey, could we get that first guy up here to lift the mood of... Very good. Again, commentary on where the show's emotional level is at by Vinnie Mancino. I have a real question.

Fantastic. Do you like performing better with your brother or by yourself? Personally, I like performing better by myself, but the whole twin thing, we're twins. We look exactly like we perform together. We know what twins are. We look exactly alike.

It's easier. It's just easier to get up because people, you know, we do open mics and everything, and there's so many people that just... What if you're better without them? Oh, that's a question, isn't it? Does he like doing it? Well, I don't think I am, though, because I've gotten up here twice before

and we've done better, and tonight was not the best. When you go to open mics, do you guys sign up by yourselves in different spots? That way, when they call you up, you both go up and do that. Is that like a hustle? Yeah, I mean, that's how we got on Kill Tony the first time. Cheater, get out of here, dude.

Double your odds. That makes sense, though. Do you think it would break his heart finding out you like performing by yourself? Do I think it would break his heart? I don't care, really. Oh, you are fucking cutthroat. Jesus. This guy should be a senator.

That was the final test to see if you could be an employee here at the Comedy Store, and you just failed it. God damn it. You don't turn your back on family. There he goes, Wesley Kleitsch, everybody. Another soul out here in Hollywood, California, signing up, living the dream. I love that.

He's like. He goes, I'll do anything to work here. Would you kill your brother? Yes. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I like that thought. Let's do that. We have a regular on this show, ladies and gentlemen.

We're going to go to it right now and do it. We're going to see how this goes. He is a very controversial figure, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to go to it right now and do it. We're going to see how this goes. He is a very controversial figure, ladies and gentlemen. It has been said that you either love or you hate this man. I'm on the side of loving him. I think he's absolutely great. I present to you the big red machine, the one and only

William Montgomery, everybody. Here he is. Here he comes. He's here. He's wearing clothes. He's got a smile on his face. Come on, guys. It's William Montgomery. Make some noise for him.

You're here. It killed Tony. Yeah, what the fuck is going on? I make $30,000 a year in this economy. Welcome to Chili's. I'm excited to be here tonight with Andrew Santino. He's my half-brother. We're both from

a deepwater port in Maine. We both got herpes together three years ago. Want to give it up for Dan Soder. He's my second cousin, once removed. We worked at a Chili's together, got herpes in the bathroom. Supply and demand?

That's what Dan would always, that was the joke he would say. Red Band, why'd you tell me to say that one? People always ask me, William, how can you still go down into caves after last year? And I'm just like, what are you talking about? I was trapped in a Sam's Club for six hours, couldn't find my dad last year. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Let's just put it at that. No real sign-off there. This is a...

That was probably my best set. Yeah, you completely reset the tone of the room. We were struggling there for a bit, and you came in and really... Probably my best set. I had a great time in Las Vegas. I was there for Thanksgiving. Yeah, you changed the dynamic of the room completely. I ate at a

restaurant called Cracker Barrel. Got the chicken and dumplings and three sides of fried okra. William, how's it going, buddy? Over here, pal. Okay? Still trying to make up for whatever happened during that set? No, that was great. You actually got laughs throughout your entire set.

It was an interesting approach. Dean, get my back on this one. Dude, totally. Supply and demand, my man. Yeah, that's what he used to say. Do you remember when Rick would schedule me on doubles? you'd be like, fucking, you got the... Yeah, what, a Dave's double? And the lady would be like, yeah, this is Wendy's.

Thanks so much. You want a Dave's double? I feel like you could convince someone to murder somebody. Like, you'd be the guy and you're like, you should fucking do it. And you'd be like, I'm gonna fucking do it. I never went to any casinos for four days. There was actually a Forensic Files marathon

going on on Discovery ID. Watch casinos for four days. There was actually a Forensic Files marathon going on on Discovery ID. Watch that for four days. Wow. That's the only marathon that you're prepared for, it seems. William, welcome to the show. He writes and performs a new minute every week. Now, during that set, I noticed you made both Andrew and Dan. During both of your histories with them, you caught herpes twice. Yeah. Now, during that set, I noticed you made both Andrew and Dan.

During both of your histories with them, you caught herpes twice? Twice, yeah. Twice. Y'all should see my penis right now. Yeah, what does it look like? It's purplish. Oh, my goodness. I feel like it looks like Edward James Olmos' face.

Just dented up. James Olmos is my father, actually, so it's fun you brought that up. Why'd you tell me to say that, Andrew? You know I didn't tell you to say that. William is like, we'll find out in about two decades

that he invented Velcro. Yeah. He has obscure, weird billionaire energy. Yeah, dude. Like, this is just him being like, fuck it. Yeah. He goes, all right, suck my dick, audience.

I turned sugar into fuel. Yeah, I didn't invent velvet. I invented Velcro. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's what I mean, man. You ever heard of Velcro Yeah then he drives

To a helipad And takes a helicopter home Hey Santino Is this what happens To you when we feed you After midnight Vinnie Mancino As per usual

Every episode That he's been on At this point He's eating some Baked ziti over there It's his trademark To eat some type Of pasta food Jeremiah What'd you just say William point he's eating some baked ziti over there uh it's a trademark to eat some type of pasta

jeremiah what'd you just say william did you have any uh pregnancy scares this weekend in vegas i know you like to fuck when you go out there you could say that i brought up the herpes thing because last night uh finally had relations again my ejaculate hurt her vagina. I'm almost 90% sure I'm STD-free. I don't know that for a fact. Was it Monica Lewinsky? Who says relations? Who's Monica Lewinsky? William, over here.

Over here, William. William, William, William. Wait, did you say your cum hurt this woman? Yeah. Like, burned her? I don't know what to think about that. William, stick with me here. Did you come hurt this woman? Yeah. Like burned her? I don't know what to think about that. William, stick with me here. Did you come inside of her?

Yes. Why do you keep doing that with this girl? Every week you keep talking. Because it feels better. I don't give a fuck anymore. I invented Velcro. There it is. Got that money to fall back on.

So William, are you really coming inside of this girl? You. I have done. Uh-huh. I have been. She's now in birth control. I feel like it's probably all right. And then all of a sudden last night she said that it hurt?

Yeah. Like a spicy hurt? Or like a minty hurt? The birth control is he calls me up, I punch her in the stomach, and then leave. All right. Vinny Mencino. He punched her literally in the stomach last night. I was laying on the bed breathless, trying to catch my breath, just saying,

Jeremiah, why'd you punch her? Is that the reason this is going on? Tony, I'm just excited. This, I think, Jeremiah, why'd you punch her? Is that the reason this is going on? Tony, I'm just excited. This, I think, is my best set. Yeah, it definitely is. I got an extra year contract on Kill Tony, so you pieces of shit better just buckle

down and get used to this shit, because I'm horribly on edge now. I've had enough. Yes, that is how we do it. We do sign the regulars to long term contracts. A lot of people don't know that type of behind the scenes stuff. I haven't signed it yet. William's like a

farmer that runs for mayor. It's just like I'm going to start running things a little different around here. Yeah. I mean literally I was running for county alderman. One of my policies, just trying to get elephants out of zoos. Pack of germs?

More like pack your bags. We don't need your germs. Okay. You got my vote. Let's lower the sidewalks to the size of the... We're still working on some of the campaign. I'm working on a lot of the campaign. Wow.

William, any other big breakthroughs in your life or career this week? After you texted my father Larry, I got a doctor's appointment. Hey, look at that. So he texted my dad. He's worried about my health. Let me explain this part so that it doesn't get fucking all clustered up and talked about like it's some goddamn

county alderman pitch or something like that. I actually texted because I got a lot of messages in the past, I don't know, seven months about the progression of William's gut, which he's purposefully covering up throughout this show. Because a lot of literally medical professional doctors have contacted me. This isn't fat. This is something wrong with my kidneys.

I have a six-pack right now, but beneath it is fat. And when's the last time you saw an actual Dr. William? God, 16 years ago I was with Andrew in Maine. Okay, no, no, no, no, no. But in real life. No, that is true. We were in Maine together. In real life, though, when's the last time you saw a doctor?

Real answer here. God, probably saw her six years ago. Six years ago. Just a general practitioner. And back then, six years ago, you were in athletic shape. Tip-top shape. I was a state champion cyclist. I was winning triathlons.

It's actually true. Is it really? It's totally true. I used to shave my legs. I used to go to the bathroom. To help with the aerodynamics of bicycling. Dude, so wait. You used to do all that and now you look like Thor

after Thanos won? That's not wrong. You were in shape? Somebody get my bag. When's this doctor's appointment scheduled for? Do you know? Next week. Next week?

Like this week or the week after this week? Next Wednesday. Next Wednesday. So not in two days, but in nine days. Nine days. One of the big reasons I'm doing it, Andrew, he's like, man,

I really want to get you on my podcast but you've got to lose a little weight. That was one of the requirements. Heck yeah. That was the one requirement. What a brilliant answer.

Yeah. You're brilliant. I had Eric Griffin on today but I think he just, he lost a couple of pounds. Do you do weigh-ins? Yeah, I do weigh-ins before the show.

Do they have to flex? Do we have to do that on Wednesday? Make everybody take their clothes off, do a little flex, a little photo shoot, and then we start the cast. Come on over, bud. Get rid of that gut and we'll do the cast. There you go. There it is. Whiskey ginger meet risky ginger.

That's right. How much do you weigh? How much do you weigh right now? I'd guess 210. What's your target? Target's 170. Impossible. That's impossible. Let's be real. Let's do 185, 190. Do you still cycle?

I have my bike here. I have my trainer here. I could get one and y'all, I'll be... Could you get super hot by May? I'll be very... Dan, please shut the fuck up. I'll be just very honest. One of the reasons I'm thinking about getting super fit,

I've been asked to be involved with that show up in New York. What's that called again? With the clown that gets people off with the Shepherds? Showtime at the Apollo. They told me if I could lose 40 pounds. Okie dokie. Well, William, you did it again here this week. I'm excited to have you on

next week's episode where we're going to get to find out a brand new minute. And is there anything else you want to say to this audience before you go? I stole two of those jokes tonight from a guy named Richard Nestle. He's a big Auburn

fan. Okie dokie. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Wow. It's an interesting episode. Alright. Let's start flying through this bucket. Let's get some people up here.

Back to the bucket we go. David Lucas is stuck out on the road today. His flight's got delayed, so he's not going to be with us here tonight. So we're going to keep moving along. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Michael Lehrer, everybody. Michael Lehrer. Michael Lehrer.

Oh, hey, look at this guy. All right. Hey, Danny, can we get a spotlight down here? Is there a way to do it there? Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, first time on Kill Tony, Michael Lehrer, everybody. Hey, motherfuckers!

Fuck yeah. Woo! Hey, motherfuckers! Fuck yeah. Man, being disabled is a bomb, y'all. I get a check every month. All I do is Netflix. Netflix is the best thing that happens to disabled people since ain't call hookers. If you're confused, ain't call hookers go to your house.

I'll call hookers, you go to her house, and her roommates rob you. I've AOS. My question is, where the fuck did all that ice fucking money go? Every comic in L.A. is a joke about AIDS. I'd be better off with AIDS. Thank you. Wow, look at that. And that is what has done it.

A little bit of momentum here from a comedian. Wow. Look at that. Set of the night so far. Michael Lehrer, everybody. Fucking awesome. Hell Lehrer, everybody. The sad irony that the only guy that deserves to be on the stage can't get on the fucking stage.

The sheer chaos of that. This guy actually has jokes worthy of this stage. Yeah, dude. Belongs on this fucking stage. So good, dude. So fucking funny. I love Billion. Thanks, dude. I love you. Thank you. Fuck yeah. So, Michael,

this is your first time on the show. How long have you been doing stand-up? Well, I've been working in comedy for like 20 years, but I got ALS and I took three years off, but I've been back and I took three years off

but I've been back for five months. Hell yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. Very cool. When you say that you've been working in comedy what were you doing before? Second City.

I worked there for ten years. I was a new face in Montreal in 2014. Wow. Yeah, character, not stand-up. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, here's the best of the best that didn't get SNL.

Right, right. You didn't get SNL, but you got ALS. That's all that matters in the end. It's a crippling muscular disease. Starring. Michael Lehrer. Musical guest. I love it.

So, Michael, that is so interesting. And the ALS, when did that come on? About two years ago. Wow. Yeah, I turned 41 yesterday. Happy birthday. That is so fucking awesome, man.

I've been in LA for only a month and a half, and it's been amazing coming here every week, doing sets everywhere, and just having a blast, and talking about, you know, this is my catharsis. Uh-huh. You know?

You write a lot? All the time. That is so fucking exciting. How many sets a week do you think you do? Four or five. Wow. My nurse slash girlfriend's here.

Oh shit. Yeah. I couldn't do it without her. She works from home, and she's like, you want to move to LA? I'm like, yeah, and here we are, and we're on our grind and killing it.

That is so fucking cool. It's fucking awesome. What does, wow. Where were you guys at before, Chicago? No, I was being trained in Buffalo. Oh, that's hell. Yeah, awful. Oh, my God.

But I got into stand up there. Hey, Buffalo, great people, great community. And it's starting me back up. And now I'm here because I'm Buffalo. Wow. That is so fucking cool. Some of that Buffalo music. But I met my...

I'm sorry. It's okay. I met my nurse-like girlfriend on Tinder in Buffalo. Wow. Look at that. That is incredible. Yeah. What does she do? Works from home.

She edits engineering journal. Oh, very cool. She edits things in Chernobyl. That's awesome. That's awesome. It's dangerous work, but someone's got to do it. You're still the least disabled person

we've had on the show tonight. Someone's got to edit those goddamn Chernobyl things. Wow. That is incredible. My goodness. And so this disease, is there any good outlook or prognosis? No, none. Oh, okie dokie.

Literally, 100 million, like, if you think Twitter is a dumpster fire go to ALS Twitter cause it's all these dying people going where the fuck are my

sim cells you know like where's that ice fucking money you're all getting raises That's so funny There's a whole industry propped up by fucking Facebook videos that doesn't exist Is that true?

Did anybody ever find out where that money went? I mean, you know, bureaucracy It's still being held but you know like you have a gold rush right now on stem cell treatment right so they have all that money and you have these pharmaceutical companies that want them and you have people like you and them and they're like don't tell us what the fuck to do you know right yeah so it's like uh twitter is mad but i know more informed people like slow down we'll see a really good stem cell drug is in third trial, so you never know. But any help from me is theoretical and way down the line.

So even though it's in the third stage, still far away from you seeing any of it? Oh, yeah. I never want. I have some super rich friends. So if it becomes available they might you know give me a taste. That is so cool. Fuck yeah. What a weird thing to hold over your friend's head. Oh yeah.

You want some of them sweet stem chills? Yeah. I have a friend who is like one of the top mutual fund trainers um you know billions yeah get that gross economy money yeah but if some cell treatment comes available we're talking a million dollars i mean to begin I might be hitting that motherfucker up. Yeah, you're goddamn fucking right. Bleed him dry, dude.

Absolutely. Hey, Tony. Yeah, sure. You ever accidentally hit the playback speed halfway on your podcast app? Yeah. He likes it, you bitches. He's laughing. He likes it.

No doubt, no doubt. You don't like that one? No, I love it all. I love it. Hey, look, it's Steve Byrne, everybody. Steve motherfucking Byrne. Heck yeah, look at that, just popping in. Hey, can I talk about him real quick?

Can you talk about him? May I? Yeah, absolutely. Steve. He's amazing, Jonathan, Doc. Steve. He's amazing. Steve Byrne.

Yeah. Byrne. All right, fuck you, Steve Byrne. Fuck you. He was singing your praises about the amazing Jonathan documentary. Michael's trying to give you a compliment here. He only has weeks to live, so take it. I contact you. I love you, compliment here. He only has weeks to live, so take it. I contact

you. I love you amazing. Thank you. It was nice meeting you, Michael. Have a good night. Steve Byrne, everyone. Really there for the fans. Well, Michael, I'll tell you what. I am completely my mind is completely blown by your entire story and everything like that.

I absolutely love your style. How would you like to do a minute next week no matter what? Why don't we keep a little momentum going? I'll be here every week. I love it. I'm going to put you up whether you're pulled out of the bucket or not. You're going to have an automatic spot next week, okay? There you go.

Michael Lehrer for his first time ever in Sony history. Hell yeah. Yeah. You guys ready to go to the bucket one more time? All right. Make some noise for your next comedian, Devin Clark, everybody. Devin Clark. Here we go.

Devin Clark. One, two, three, four. Here we go. Here comes Devin Clark. How about a hand for the band? Killing it tonight. Devin Clark. Yo, yo, what's up, y'all? So,

one of my favorite words is flabbergasted. Love that word. It means to be overcome with astonishment, but it can mean anything really. Like if I say, Hey man, don't go in that restroom. Somebody flabbergasted all over the floor. You know exactly what I mean. And you know, not to go in that bathroom, right? That word is the reason I never want to go to prison because I don't want my ass to get flabbergasted. My ass can't handle any kind of astonishment. One time after the show, this guy came up to me.

He said, hey, man, you got a nice voice. How would you like to narrate audio books for gay romance novels? I said, thanks, but no thanks, man. He said, are you sure? It pays $5,000 a book. Boom, cut to me in the studio. His buttocks were smooth and soft in my hand. I wanted him in every conceivable

way. I got so excited, I flabbergasted in my pants. Alright, you guys, my name's Devin Clark. Thanks. Wow, Devin Clark, in and out. Great. 60 seconds exactly. God damn. He wired in a callback.

Nailed it. Nailed the landing. What's up, guys? Hi, Devin. How you doing? Good, man. You been on this show before? Yes.

This is the second time. That's right. What happened last time you were on? Give us a quick rundown. What did we find out about you? I told you guys that I lost my virginity at 21 to a red-headed prostitute in Carson City. Hey, that's right. You got the old cowboy spirit in you.

My mother says hello. Dude, I love Devin. He's fucking great. He's like, I lost the game of poker that I was with to the legal lady. And Devin, is that true? You've been reading gay audiobooks? Because we had a guy on that actually talked about that, about writing them, a comedian on it like a month ago or so.

Yeah. I auditioned for it, but I didn't get the gig. Oh, look at that. Didn't get it. You do have a great voice. Thank you. You've got a great delivery, too. Thank you very much.

Yeah. What do you do for work? I mean, post-production, I do like video editorial type work, compression and Blu-rays, mostly for short films and some features for festivals. Hell yeah. What's your love life like now? You lost your virginity at 21? Yeah. You active now?

Yeah, I'm still single. I had a date a couple of weeks ago. I got stood up, though. She showed up, and we went to the movies, but she got up and left before the movie started, and she sent me a text that said, you weren't what I was expecting. Wow. Can I ask you something? Was she what you were expecting?

She looked like her pictures. I was happy, but she didn't like mine. Can I see your picture on your Tinder profile? Can you show it to me? It's William Montgomery. What a nightmare. Can you show it to me? I was disgusted. I deleted my app, man.

I was like, I'm done with Tinder. I don't believe you for a second. Show me your phone right now Can you show it to me? I was disgusted. I deleted my app, man. I was like, I'm done with Tinder. I don't believe you for a second. Show me your phone right now. Are you lying to me? Yeah. I'm not lying. You're pretending like you don't even have your phone on you right now. It's so cool.

Oh, my cell phone? She's like, oh, my front pocket? Nobody puts their iPhones in their front pocket. You got a cell phone? What are you, a lawyer? I don't have Tinder. I got Bumble still, but not Tinder. Well, let's just say when you came to the stage as a guy named Devin who wasn't white,

I was flabbergasted. So at what point did she tell you that you weren't what she was expecting? It was on the date. We went to go see that John Cena fireman movie. Yeah, what a bad pick. Yeah, exactly. It was her idea.

It was her idea. That's why she's like, I thought you would definitely say no. Why'd you say yes? You're not what I expected. I wanted you to call me an idiot. How far into the movie did you guys get? The trailer hasn't even started yet.

Get the fuck out of here. You're still doing the popcorn trivia? It's C. John Travolta. Sitting there making small talk and she just said she had to go to the bathroom and didn't come back. Was she white? No, she was Belizean. Belizean? From the islands?

Whatever. And you were talking loudly? No, it was an acceptable volume for conversation before the movie started. Tony was making a racist movie theater joke.

I was. Can you believe it? And it's Taylor's Bananas. Sir, please. Beliesian? Is it Beliesian? I'm still stuck on this. I think it's Beliesian.

It's Beliesian. Are there any Beliesians in the audience tonight? Any Beliesians here? Yeah. Is it Beliesian? Oh, I don't Belies that. Chroma Chris. Wow. Very impressive. Yeah. Is it Belizean? Oh, I don't Belize that. Make clicking noise. Chroma Chris. Wow. Very impressive.

Did anything else stand out to you about this girl before she left? Not really. She said something about my height when we first met. Was she taller than you? She wanted you to be taller. She had a couple of inches over me, but I said I was 5'10". I didn't lie. How tall was she?

I didn't ask about her height. You're not 5'10 said I was 5'10". I didn't lie. How tall was she? I didn't ask about her height. She was... You're not 5'10". Red Band's calling you out, dude. Maybe you're fucking lying. It's pretty close. Okay, so I'm two inches taller. Red Band's chair just tried to run out of the building right now, for those of you that missed it.

It's literally like, get me out of this hellhole. Smells like shit. I'm exhausted. You're not 5'10". No? So you walked up and she was like, you're supposed to be taller? She was like, oh, you're kind of not really okay. She said like, she's kind of stumbling and stuttering and shit.

So she was like six foot. I don't think she was six. But she had on high heels too, so you know. Where's high heels to a John Cena movie? Yeah, that's interesting. She's like, oh, fuck, I got to get on the good pumps. Plays a likable fireman. Thank goodness.

It's crazy to think that Devin has been stood up one more time than the last comedian that was on the show. Oh, that's pretty good. Anyway. How far into the movie did you get before you got the text? The trailer still hasn't started. We were there early, waiting for the movies, and she gave me the text. And then I think the first trailer started for that Aaron Eckhart movie, Angels Falling Down. You know the movie?

You didn't stay for the film, did you? No, because I didn't want to see it in the first place. Did you get your money back? I didn't even ask. I didn't know if the film, did you? No, because I didn't want to see it in the first place. Yeah, okay. Did you get your money back? I didn't even ask. I didn't know if it was an option. You can get your money back. Oh, yeah, dude.

You got to hang out with more middle-aged white women. It wasn't that damn funny. You probably could have got tickets to a free movie if you bitched hard enough. Somebody almost died of laughter at you not knowing you can get your money back if you leave before a movie starts. You just didn't want to go through the embarrassment, right? There's nothing worse than you guys walking in together, the ticket tear, and then she just storms out. He's short as fuck.

You can get your money back. I bet he could get his money back. You can get your money back. Did you have popcorn? You can get your money back. You got to over-enunciate. Yeah, he's black. They're going to be like, get out of here before we call the cops.

That's fucking. Not if he hits him with that Morgan Freeman voice. He's like, come on, baby. Give me that money back. Today was a tough day. I got stood up. A girl left me. She goes, here you go.

Just take the money, dude. Did you have any sweets or popcorn or anything? I bought a small bucket of popcorn. A small bucket of popcorn. Why a small? Why do you do everything like a guy that's 5'7"? A small popcorn on a first date, you got to go big, dude.

You got to pretend like it doesn't even matter. Just make it rain in front of you. Cut a hole in the bottom. That's true. A small hole. Chroma Chris, 5 for 5 on the bottom. A small hole. Chroma Chris. Five for five. He ain't got no shoes.

But he's got the jokes. All right, Devin. It was fun to have you on again. There he goes. Devin Clark, everybody. He's on social media. Devin Clark comedy. I mean, I don't know. That was like the best pure set.

I don't know, guys. It just doesn't feel complete to me. You guys think we should go to the bucket one more time? All right. Here we go. This is the part where. Oh, wow. Look at that.

The substitute teacher tried to leave fast. Look at that. She's teacher tried to leave fast. Look at that. She's trying to get out of here. Someone's got a seven-year-old with autism to get home to, huh? He's at home touching himself like blue ball. Fuck you. That was good.

That looks like it hit close to home. She's not really laughing. Did I nail it? Do you have a seven-year-old autistic boy? Okay, perfect. Good. She says, not anymore. We drowned him years ago.

We gave him the Travolta way out. Alright. This is definitely a weird name. It's definitely a first time. Let's see what happens here. Jill Jex or Gil Gex? Am I saying that right? Is that correct? From Nebulon 7? G-I-L-G-E-X?

Is this Gil? Oh, yes. Here he goes. Oh, absolutely. This is destiny. It's black. This is that episode. I can feel it already, ladies and gentlemen.

This is where the magic happens. This is what we call a win-win situation. I present to you for the first time ever in Kill Tony No, it's my 40th time Alright, make some noise for Jill Jaxx Everybody Jill is my sister, but anyway, peace and love Come on, make some noise for your final comedian of the night

I was told I could come out to the comedy store And perform, right? Why is this thing screwing up already? I took a plane all the way from Dayton, Ohio, right? Dig this. We went through hellish traffic to get out here. Signed up this list thing. It's so confusing.

Went through hell. I said, wait. I said, man, I want my money back from the son of a bitch I paid off to get my ass up here. You know? For whatever reason. No, actually, I paid him in food stamps. So, you know, I'll just get the food stamps. But anyway.

What else happened? Oh, yeah. I got tired of bitching about the stuff, man. Because, like, you know, it was all my fault. You know? I was so pissed off. Now, what else is there like, you know, it was all my fault, you know. I was so pissed off. Now, what else is there to say? I can't read.

Oh, oh, oh. I'm so pissed off, man. I, you know, the way everything went. Man, I really do. I really do hate this place so much that I forgot why I hated it. And the other thing is, just for a more reason. Is my minute up yet? I need a drink. But anyway,

the point of it is, I want to just say I'm never coming back here again because everything went wrong. What time is Santa next week? Wow. Gil Gax, ladies and gentlemen. How exciting. All right. All right. That's good. That's good right there. Very good, Vinny.

Ladies and gentlemen, Earth, Wind, Fire, and Dementia. Holy shit. Let's check in. You're like if Jimi Hendrix stopped playing the guitar early. Let's check in with Vinny Mancino. Can I just say this is the unfunniest beer can I've ever seen in my life? Gil, face the audience.

Face the audience. There you go. Heck yeah. I love this. Man, this guy looks like Black Einstein. What are we doing here? He's got the theory of chill your ass out. Say what?

I'm deaf in this one here. Sorry. I'm in this one beer. Oh, man, come on. I love it. Gil, so you took a plane all the way here from Hollywood and Highland? Finally snuck one in on this episode. No, Gil, come up here.

I don't want you to leave. How often do you always dress like that? You have a real rock star style to you. No, these are my pajamas. My rock stuff's in the car. Wow, look at that. Car. Okay. Sure. Did you really fly from Dayton for this?

That's the biggest lie I ever said in my damn life. I've been out here since 1977, actually. I came out here. I quit. I did three open mics back then, and I quit because I sucked. Whoa.

Thank God you're back. Yeah. This is the return we've all been waiting for. Even the microphone's trying to escape from me right now. Help. Help. I don't want to have anything to do with this. Guys, hide me from Blackula. Don't make fun of my daddy.

Don't make fun of my daddy. Oh my goodness. That would have been awesome if it was. Gil, you've been out here since 77. What have you been doing? 1877. Alright, very good. I'm an umpire. I mean a vampire. You're an umpire? No.

Okay. I'm a Leo, so I'm not a lion. What? I'm a server at TGI Fridays, Tony. How much is it? I feel like there's a good chance you sleep under tapestry. What is that? He works at TGI Fridays after next.

You know what I'm saying? You look like you blew your whole fortune on blacklight posters. I've always wondered what Rick from Rick and Morty would look like if he was stuck in a house fire. This is exciting. I should have said house fire first before that. And then said Rick.

How many times have you had sex with a naked lady painted on the side of a van? Moi? Only twice. Yeah, of course. Peace and love. Yeah. Have you ever hooked up with a girl but had her bring you biodiesel fuel on the way? You son of a bitch, you're supposed to pay me.

That's Mike. Wait a second, I got faked out again? What kind of bass do you play? Free, of course. That wasn't inflatable, though. You look like you drove a DeLorean in Harlem at a high rate of speed. Dude, that's so fucking funny.

He's in Black to the Future. He goes, Morty, we gotta get your ass out of here. It's not Morty, it's Marshawn. Marshawn, we gotta get the fuck up out of here. Instead of the Iranians, it's just the cops. How do you make money?

What do you do for work in real life? Tell us the truth. You don't have to start being funny now. Well, I never was, obviously, but anyway. Come on. Okay, temporarily, anyway. Could you ask me not in public? Wait, do you want to go backstage and be like,

Hey, man, so when did you like, when did it really come to that? He doesn't want anybody to know, but this is the guy that actually invented Velcro. He goes, hey, can I talk to you backstage real quick? This is a lot of fun, but I got a lot of money in Velcro. Man, I'm actually retired, man. I can just live off of my $300 a month. Obviously, I didn't work much in my life, but that's enough, man,

because I just drink every other day instead of every day. How much do you drink? You drink a lot? Not enough, but I just started. This is my first beer. That's your first beer? In 15 minutes. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Look at the laugh that that got. Do you ever pay attention to the laughs that don't happen? I told you I was pissed off at this place. I'm never, ever coming back here. What time is the sign up next week? No. I don't happen? I told you I was pissed off this place. I'm never, ever coming back here. What time's sign up next week? No! Look at that.

Wow, the guy with ALS is giving you a standing ovation right now. That's incredible. Oh my god, we found the cure. It's not stem cells. You're it. So Gil, what information can you give us about your entire

do you have any special skills or talents can you sing or dance or play an instrument or anything actually be honest

with you I do a Jimi Hendrix impersonation can you give us very good can you give us a little example of that

he looked at my saxophone like he was going to start strumming it can you actually play the guitar Gil or are you fucking with us no he goes no I'm just on a shit ton of acid like he was going to start strumming it. Can you actually play the guitar, Gil?

Are you fucking with us? No. He goes, no, I'm just on a shit ton of acid. All right, Chroma Chris has been on fire all night. Dude, I hope he fucking wails. Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? Please.

No way this is going to go well. He just does the part of Jimi Hendrix where he breaks the guitar over the stage at the end of the show. He goes, hold on. I need to go to sleep with some red wine and sleeping pills. Thanks. Fun fact, this is what Nicki Minaj looks like

without the weave on. All right. Dude. So it's a... Dude, what if... So it's just before the O.D., right? What if he really was Jimi Hendrix? And he never died? And then this is him.

He's like, I gotta get on stage again and he's just fuck it you're like oh my god. This is what happens when you say Jimi Hendrix three times. Hey you got me. Actually I'm not Jimi Hendrix I'm Jim Morrison I mean I'm Jim Neighbors I mean I'm Jim Beam I mean I'm Jim Croce

I mean Jimi Valentine I mean Jimi Oh dude you get on the stepdad circuit. Jimmy Dean. Anyway, what? Wow. That's incredible. All right, there you go. So, Gil, that was interesting.

So, you don't do that for a side job. You're not a Jimi Hendrix impersonator of any kind or anything like that. Well, I need my guitar. I need my guitar, and I suck at that too, but I still want it with me. Is that tuned to alcoholic? No, crackaholic. Wow.

Have you ever done crack before? Not for 10 minutes. Not since 10 minutes ago. You know, I know what I'm doing. What an exciting episode of Kill Tony this has been One of the ones where You know, sometimes pulling names out of a bucket Really backfires

I feel like there's a lot of Indoor smoke stains on the ceilings With this bunch Look, don't make fun of me Because I was a crack baby, alright Were you a crack baby? You seem like you found it in your years after Being a baby You look you a crack baby? You seem like you found it in your years after being a baby.

You look like a crack grown-up. Yeah. I always heard that black don't crack. You're damn right. This is A.A. Because he ain't got no shoe. I brought that from Isaac Hayes. You're damn right.

I'm going to bring my own mic next time. Yeah, that'll help. You should bring your own jokes too, Gil. Bringing the own I'm going to bring my own mic next time. Yeah. That'll help. You should bring your own jokes, too, Gil. Bringing the own mic is going to fix all this. Yeah. Before his next set, he goes, can you plug me in? Gil, when's the last time, before we go, when's the last time you had sex with a woman?

Because I'm sure after everything that we've seen tonight, I'm sure one thing you're great at is lovemaking. Am I correct about that? You seem like the kind of guy that knows how to really find the right alley. See, look. I'll be honest with you. The inflatable I just had pissed me off, so I

deflated it to pop that bitch. But anyway, you know about a real woman, right? Dude, you redline in a real scary way. You're like fun, and then you hit that anger and I'm like... Look, look. I'm not bipolar. I'm not bipolar.

You don't have to be funny, Gil. Last time you had sex, when was it? If you had to guess. When was the last leap year? This show is like a second weird leap year. This is like if fucking Craigslist came to life. That's what this is. This is like if fucking Craigslist was a thing. But only the people on Craigslist that access it from library. Public fucking internet portals.

Gil, be real. When was the last time you was with a human? One beer? No, two weeks ago. Two weeks ago. Two weeks ago. Two weeks ago. Where did that happen at?

Was that outside or indoors? Good question. I think it was... What the hell was that? Gil, just think of the honest truth. You don't have to make anything up. Oh, okay. I can't handle the truth.

Okay, there it is. There he goes. Gil Gex, everybody. Jesus, sometimes I try so hard. Hey, everybody. Look at this amazing drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt, everyone. Look at that. That's a real Kill Tony drawing.

Everything's available at ryanjebelt.com. That's awesome. That is awesome. Guys, this Saturday, his HBO special Son of Gary premieres. It's Dan Soder was here, everybody. Make sure you watch it. Set your DVRs right now. HBO this Saturday, 10 p.m.

How about one more time for the great Andrew Santino, everybody? Brea this weekend. Ice House next weekend. And he's taking the rest of the year off until his big 2020 Red Rocket Tour. AndrewSantino.com for tickets for that. Next week, Andrew Schultz is here. The Kill Tony Band

Big Gay Calendar is available for sale right now. Also, tour dates coming up for Jeremiah, San Diego this Friday with the whole Kill Tony Band and William Montgomery doing stand-up. December 19th to the 21st in Kansas City. January 2nd to the 4th in Chicago and January 5th in Detroit.

What else, Jeremiah? Big episode 100 at Jeremiah Wonders came out this week. How about that? Yeah. The special drops on Wednesday. We did a special video thing. You can see everybody on this stage in it and follow me on social media at jeremiahstandupYouTube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins.

Thank you. Huge announcement regarding Vancouver, Canada coming tomorrow on social media. Five for five tonight. The great Chroma Chris, everybody. No shoes. 1,000% slugging percentage. What did you think about tonight's episode, Chroma? Oh, Tony, tonight it was good, fellas.

Ah, you see what I did? Also, be sure to check out the new Baby Boys album on Spotify and Apple Music. That's right. How about we make noise one more time for Ludwig's very own Joelberg Joel Jimenez back there. He's on social media mostly. Sorry. Anything else, Joel?

No, that's it. I love you guys. Columbus, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Calgary, Vancouver, and the return of Kill Tony East all coming up real soon.

Rest in peace, Lil Bub. Rest in peace who? Lil Bub died today. No one knows what you're talking about. You just wanted to squeeze in one more thing? No, Little Bob. Who is that? Google it. What a weird thing to...

It's an Instagram cat. Live audience, thank you guys so much for coming out. We appreciate you. Michael Lehrer kicks off the show next week. Thank you guys. Good night. Good night. Outro Music Thank you.