KILL TONY - KILL TONY #419

Episode Date: December 11, 2019

Andrew Schulz, David Lucas, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 12/09/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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you have video portions to the show and if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store, but this week we are going to be in Columbus, Ohio, December 12th, December 14th. We're in Pittsburgh, December 15th. We are in Cleveland. And you could go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates for all upcoming tour dates. Check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own stand-up comedy tour dates. He also has some merch. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Check out RyanJEbelt.com.

That's the house artist. He just drew the new Kill Tony book that's available for sale right now. RyanJEbelt.com. Last but not least, ShopSqu shop squad.tv the official merchandise of the death squad universe there you have kill tony shirts we also have some death squad mugs hats patches check out shop squad.tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up

for Tony Hatchcliff. Fuck yeah. Here we are. Comedy Store. Monday night. Make some noise, people. The great Brian Redman is here, everybody. Yeah.

We have the Ryan J. E. Belt, the house artist, drawing tonight's episode. We are live. How exciting is this? And the show keeps rolling. This week we go to Columbus, Pittsburgh, and Cleveland. Those might even be sold out. I'm not sure. I haven't checked. And the fun times never end. Starting the new year, we're doing stand-up and kill Tony shows, combo shows, the 9th of January in San Antonio and the 10th and 11th in Houston, the 9th of January in San Antonio and the 10th and 11th in Houston,

and January 23rd, Calgary, and stand up on the 24th and 25th. Just announced Vancouver. That's happening. JFL Northwest. That's exciting stuff. And, yeah, drinking a delicious caveman coffee. How many people like coffee out there, huh? I'm obsessed with Nitro Cold Brew. You can buy it, order it, have it delivered right to your door.

Use the promo code KILTONY. Save 20%. We're taking Ryan J. E. Belt posters all around with us to all those tour dates I just mentioned. And the new KILTONY The Book Volumes 2 and 3 are available now on Amazon and at ryanjebelt.com. Jeremiah Watkins, the band leader, is going on the road. That is Kansas City, Chicago, and Detroit. JeremiahWatkins.com for tickets for that. And the Big Gay Calendar featuring the band is also for sale.

Get that before 2020 is over because that's the only year that they made a calendar for. It's an actual paper. How many of you like paper calendars out there, huh? There's a few people that'll clap for anything, huh? Alright. Exciting stuff. It is an amazing time, and Christmas is right around the corner, and that's why

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Every single week we have some of the funniest comedians in the world on this show You know this is a good episode because we're going one guest tonight This is very exciting We've waited a long time to have this guy on this show. He's a New Yorker that we've been waiting a long time for him to come out to Los Angeles and grace us with his presence. It's the one and only Andrew Schultz, everybody.

Here we go, baby. Yes. Fuck yeah. It's happening. Finally, Andrew Schultz, the Comedy Store, Kill Tony, live. Hi, everybody. Flagrant 2, Fashion, the Crowdworks special. Yes.

One of my favorite people on Instagram. Thank you, man. I appreciate that. How's it going, my man? It's good. It's good to be here finally. Hi, everybody. How are you?

Okay. I'm glad we finally made this happen. This is a long time coming. I'm so excited about this. You are a guy who I feel like we're like brothers from another mother. You know what I mean? You're out there in New York. I'm always stuck here in L.A., and we're out there.

We're hustling. We're having fun. We're making fun of motherfuckers, and this show is built for a guy like you to be a guest on. I love it. I love this show. So let's just jump right into it. We have a band on this show, Andrew for a guy like you to be a guest on i love it i love this so let's just jump right into it we have a band on this show andrew that's one of my favorite parts i'm a big fan of jeremiah well my friend he is the leader of the band every single week they commit to being different characters we never know what they're going to be they're in the

separate green room back there getting ready so let's see what they are tonight maybe it's the return of some famous characters that we've seen before. Maybe it's the debut of brand new characters. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg,

Joel Jimenez, and Jesse Johnson. Here we go. Let's see what they are tonight. Oh! Oh, my goodness. Wow. The most famous characters in the history of Kill Tony,

it's the feminists, everybody. Wow. Feminist Stacey. This is insane. I haven't seen you Since Sydney, Australia And you look Madder than ever I am so angry

Kamala Harris Dropped out of the race That's what you're mad about? I'm seething What about others? Tulsi Gabbard And some other women There's Elizabeth Warren

It's just not a good Representation of women. All right. I guess so. That's what you're committed to. The Kamala Harris thing. All right. Glad to see you, Feminist Stacey. And who's this? Is this Justin Bieber next to you? Who do we got here? Thanks, man. I appreciate

that. I respect that. And I'm actually male feminist Dave. Oh, I love that. We've never had a male feminist on. Oh, I love that. I gotta say. We've never had a male feminist on. I never, well. It's about time.

Stacey's been like, I'm just so fascinated at everything she says. And I'm like, I think it's dope. And she told me like some cool shit about like freeing the nipple

and like you guys gotta get on this because it's like fucking fly. Chessie Johnson is Dave. And then there she is. The one and the only. We know this little fucking butterfly back here. The old Mexican smurf.

Feminist Macy. I am for women's rights but also I like to get railed by fucking cock. Okay Macy. take it easy. Yeah, I'm taking the fucking power back, okay? I fuck back when you fuck me, and that's it. Hey, look, it's the producer, David Deary, everybody.

Look at him over here. Looks like he's coming fresh from an audition for Home Alone 4. The old stinky bandits. So we have everything. We have Schultz, Red Band, Soundboard. We have the band, which brings me to this, the bucket of destiny, everybody. This is it.

The old meat and potatoes of the show. Over 100 people, as they do every week, signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. They are chock-full, stocked in the lobby, in the hallway. There's a woman hanging out of the men's restroom right now, hoping to get her name pulled. They're slammed over here. Where are the comedians at? Over there? Yep. A lot of them are over there. They're filling in.

Some of them are going to get kicked out as audience members come in. They have to stand in the lobby. It's a fire hazard here, people. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you've got to get to this stage as fast as possible without running out of breath. During the interview part of the show, answer the questions honestly. Give us something to work with, and we find out more about you, chat with you about your everyday life, maybe figure out if there's something funnier about you that you should be talking about on stage that you're not talking about. But before all

that, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted here at the Mecca, the main room of the Comedy Store. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. That's it, everybody. All the pieces are in place. You guys ready to start this fucking show? It's Kill Tony Live with Andrew Schultz. And your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight,

straight out of the bucket of destiny, goes by the name of Trey Lamb. Here we go. From the lucky seat. Back one. Trey Lamb. The great Steve Lee is here, everybody. Aphrodite is here.

It's very exciting. Here comes Trey. Here we go. Starting off the show one more time for Trey Lamb. All right. Holy shit. Thank you so much. Wow.

Yeah. It's an exciting time in my life right now, guys. I'm done with school, so I'm getting jobs. My friends and I, we're all that part. But we don't really care about our jobs that much. You ask someone in their early 20s about their job, it's just a gig, bro, I don't really care. I'm like, aren't you an EMT, dude?

Some of us have legit jobs that we should be caring about, right? I work for a non-profit that's supporting research to find a cure for a deadly disease. I don't give a fuck, bro. Right? Like, whatever. I'm clocking in either way, you know? If anything, I hope they don't find a cure for the disease.

Because I really need this job, you know? It's kind of a tough situation. Yeah, man. I don't know. Like, I don't know. I got, you know, I'm kind of new to L.A. a little bit, so I'm getting new friends, you know? And it's a lot of fun.

Thanks, guys. There you go. New to L.A. Welcome to the show, Trey. Thank you so much. Yeah, this is... I'll get that out of here. It is.

This is awesome. It is. It's the number one live podcast in the world. Right. Well, fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, Trey. Welcome, welcome. Hello.

I like your style. You look like all the characters from Ozark mixed together into one. Yeah. You look like if Charles Manson was a skateboarder. Feminist Stacy? Yeah, he looks like Kurt Cobain if he would have never met Courtney Love. Oh, still alive. Yeah, I'll take it.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. And I'm a feminist. Wow. I'm right there with... What was that? Oh, are you playing your soundboard of your mother, Red Band? Oh! Don't come at ye, bitch.

Wow. So, Trey, you're new to L.A., you said. How new are you? Three months, yes, in September. Wow, three months. Heck yeah. Where'd you come from? I was in, actually, Santa Barbara before that.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, I finished at UC Barbara before that I finished at UCSB I went to UCSB Yeah, of course I gotta know what disease What's up? I thought it was really funny What disease are you trying to cure?

Actually, Alzheimer's Alzheimer's Yeah Wow I actually have Alzheimer's What Alzheimer's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. I actually have Alzheimer's. What disease again? No, no, it's a really serious situation, but it's kind of fun.

Yeah. Yeah, they don't care, though, really. No, dude. Yeah. Did anybody else notice the chemistry between Schultz and this guy when they said they went to UCSB together? They're like, oh, yeah, I'm in. Oh, yeah. Hey, yeah.

this guy when they said they went to UCSB together. They're like, oh yeah, I'm in. Oh yeah. What did you study at UCSB? Psych and English. Ah, I studied psych too. Oh wow, look at that. Me too. Psych. I didn't know that.

I love it. You guys have the same little fucking path. How old are you, Trey? 23. Wow, look at you. Little baby boy out here three months. Yeah, man. Made the long move all the way from Santa Barbara. I grew up in Canada.

What part? Winnipeg. Okay, yeah. I know. The forks. Yeah, dude. That's the only thing they have in Winnipeg. It's a river that forks. Yeah, dude. Well. That's the only thing they have in Winnipeg. Right. It's a river that forks.

Yeah. Yeah, dude. Well, they got a skate park now, so it's just... Sick, dude. Yeah, dude. It's a rough town, Winnipeg, huh? Yeah, it's the murder capital of Canada. I get it. By what?

Moose? Yeah. Oh, you're back there. It looks like you like to be Winnipegged. Oh, yay. Feminist Stacey. Go on for the jugular there. My goodness.

So how long have you worked in the Alzheimer's field? Shit. I'm in my third year with the association now. So I was doing that while I was in college. And then I just kind of kept the job when I moved down here. That's how I was able to do it. That's awesome. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I'm in my fifth year, about five and a half. That's great. So you were doing it while you were in Santa Barbara?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I did my first set right after I finished high school in San Diego. And then did it in college, did the Laughology. Yeah. And, yeah, I got in with the club and then I, like, ended up kind of running it for a little while. Did you do Rumors in Winnipeg at all? Yeah. Was that the club? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have you ever done that club? No, no. I once went to Winnipeg and they didn't give me the proper paperwork, so I got kicked out. This was, like, eight years ago. It was crazy. So you got removed while you were already like eight years ago. It was crazy. So you, you got removed while you were already there. Yeah.

It was really bizarre. It's cause I, it's cause I, they didn't get me the paperwork. So they're like, just say that you're coming here to visit a friend. And, uh,

Oh yeah. The real slide. Yeah. It was one of those. So I'm like, yeah, I'm just here to visit a friend. And the,

uh, immigration guys like, Oh, uh, just for one night. Huh? Yeah. What's weird about that? And he's like, oh, just for one night, huh? I'm like, yeah, what's weird about that? And he's like, everything.

Yeah. And he's like, what do you do again? I'm like, I'm a comedian. He's like, okay. And he Googled my name and it's like, Winnipeg tonight, one night only. Tickets, few tickets left. Yeah, the old, so yeah,

they're like, you're not allowed to perform tonight you gotta fly get your flight in the morning we're gonna send uh canadian mounties to the show to make sure you don't perform and if you perform you're gonna get arrested i'm like i'm never fucking coming to winnipeg again yeah bro you're not missing much no i know i know i go to mounties are like the least intimidating of cops yeah Yeah, there you go. That was amazing. You were as funny as an actual feminist on that one, Joel. I am a feminist, Tony.

Trey, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up and shit? Right now, I'm still trying to figure out what's going on in LA. I'm just trying to explore shit. I took shrooms over the weekend, so that was kind of fun. Did you look like I took shrooms over the weekend, so that was kind of fun.

Okay. Did you look like this before shrooms? Yeah. Yeah, no, it was, yeah. No, I didn't, but I did, it made me part my hair differently. It was like a whole thing. Heck yeah, you got that cool Chucky doll look going on in here.

Yeah, dude. That far part. Yeah, yeah. I like to, oh, shit, man. I like to- You do like to shit man you do like to shit may I recommend Tushy you can save 10% by going to Tushy.com and using the promo code

kill Tony 10% off your order hello Tushy.com don't get a yeast infection you look like if Jack Black went keto okay heck yeah no other hobbies for you Keto. Okay. Heck yeah. What?

No other hobbies for you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I like to... I mean, I like to snowboard a little bit still. I like to ball with some friends. When you say ball... With the basketball. You like to shoot basketballs? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't see you being that good at basketball. Yeah, no, man. What do you do? You put that up in like a bun or something? I do. I'll put it in the back or up top if I'm feeling it. Feminist Stacy, what would you do to this guy on the basketball court? Wow.

Fair enough. I'm quick. I'm agile, though, bro. Are you? Nah. What's your love life like? Ooh. That was an interesting note.

This one's on YouTube, right. There's... I'm not... I don't... I don't have a girlfriend. Wow. It sounds like you have about ten of them. You don't want to know

about each other. My goodness. Not seeing anyone, huh? No, I'm not. How many people are you having sex with? There's just not many. Just like... Humiliation. Tony, he has Alzheimer's

conveniently now. I got that choice dementia. Oh, my God. When's the last time you had sex? This weekend. This weekend? Oh, yes. Yeah.

Yesterday? Two days ago, yeah. Two days ago. How was it? It was really good. That's what's up, man. Yeah, it was great. Was it nighttime or morning or afternoon?

It was nighttime and then the morning. What happened? Where'd you meet this girl at? At GameStop. Was that a Mario jump? It was a small jump. I think you could do the deeper sound for my jump. It doesn't have to be the small Mario jump.

Where'd you meet her at? What happened there? You've hooked up with this chick before? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A few times. Red Bear's locked in, baby. That's one up, dude.

Yeah. Tinder, actually, this one. And then we started chatting right away and then we met up that night, the night we matched, and I was like, whoa, a little bit. But then it was good. And then, well, because it was, whatever. Don't whatever, because it was.

Well, because if the girls, if she's really down to meet like right away you you question why she would like you a little bit i was like okay well why we like to get fucked too no i mean yeah i hear you that's your insecurity like what's wrong with this girl that she's into me i get it yeah yeah yeah exactly so but then we did, and it was chill. And then that was the first night. And then we went back to my place that night. We didn't have sex.

What's your place? What's your living situation like? I got an apartment kind of between here and Culver City. You live by yourself? No, I got two roommates. You have your own bedroom? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool.

It's a good setup. Much better than Santa Barbara. Right. So you brought her back to your place. Then what? Yeah, that, yeah. Okay, cool. It's a good setup. Much better than Santa Barbara. Right. So you brought her back to your place, then what? Yeah, that first night, we didn't have sex. We were just kind of laying there. Laying on your bed? Yeah, we were laying on my bed. Were you watching Netflix?

Not even. We were just kind of laying there. Just sitting in the dark, staring straight up at the ceiling? Yeah, I mean, we were kind of talking, then like because i so i was like oh fuck i get i'm just gonna do it i um yeah you went to finger didn't you that's what that hand's doing i know it i know that move that's how i go in yeah uh so we were like go ahead shell fireball oh yeah. She was burning? That came after, yeah.

So we would start up. We would start making out. And then I would kind of get the hands going, see what's going on. Right. And then when I did that, she would block. So you were raping her. She kind of took away. No, no. No, no.

It's all good, dog. It's all good. It's all good. Describe your rape. Live your truth. Live your truth, bro. Feminist. No means no, you. It's all good. It's all good. Describe your rape. Live your truth. Live your truth, bro. Feminist. No means no, you idiot.

I'm saying. No, I totally get it. I totally get it. I used to do exactly that. But now, like, those girls that are way into you, I've learned from Stacey, like, they're freaks. Like, they'll do anything. Yeah, no. If you tell them you respect them, they'll fucking do anything.

Was this all a ruse? The male feminist Exposing himself Stop snitching bro Okay so go on Get the hands going Then she kind of wasn't into it So I'm like alright So we just lay there

Kind of chatting and then we started up again and I was like alright maybe now she's into it so I get the hands going and then she's not into it I'm like alright so that's it it's done and then we're just laying there and then just going to sleep and then she put her hand on my penis and wow is that how she

put it on it like that yeah and then she like she was swearing on a bible you've been patient she's like She put it on it like that? Yeah. Like she was swearing on a Bible? You've been patient. She's like, that's enough now, little piggy. Yeah, no, but straight up, she just kind of pet it back and forth. I'm like, I don't know what the fuck to do here. You yanked that fucking thing out. That's what you did.

Yeah, dude. Take that thing out. This chick went from sleepy to creepy real quick. Yeah, yeah. Give us the big mushroom, Red Band. Yeah. Yeah. And then what? And then I didn't do anything after that.

She was petting my dick and I'm like, I'm not gonna... This is too confusing. You just let her pet it? You just stood there with your hands up? I just let her pet it and then she fell asleep with her hand on my dick, and I'm like, well, this, I don't know what to do here. Red Band! Wow, what a work of art. We're not going to beat that. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for his Kill Tony debut.

It's Trey Lamb, everybody. There you go. Trey Lamb is on Twitter at MapleTree. M-A-P-L-E-T-R-E. All one word. Man, that was fun. See what happens when you answer the questions honestly, people? Give us something to work with.

One more time for Trey, everyone. Bravo. Good job, Trey. The joke was funny, with. One more time for Trey everyone. Bravo. Good job Trey. The joke was funny too. Yeah it was good. Yeah Trey that last part about you don't want them to cure because you're out of a job is really good. And he said it naturally. Not all jokey. It felt real.

He used his five years of experience. Took his time and executed 60 seconds there. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Jasleen Power. Jasleen Power. Jasleen. Here she comes. Hey.

We've seen Jasleen before. Here she comes. One more time for Jasleen Power. Yeah. I just got out of a relationship with a Mexican who is now my ex-sican. But I got to thank him because that fool, that fool taught me how to fuck and to cry a lot but before that i was malnourished on a strictly white boy diet white guys did not want to eat this pussy and i know it's hard to believe that i don't have this cute pink porn star homer mouth-looking pussy.

No. What I got is something a lot more dark and dangerous with a long-ass motherfucking labia. That's why bumping uglies with someone whose uglies that look like my uglies was so liberating. It was just like two brown dicks. And people would always mistake me and ask me if I spoke Spanish.

And I would say, no hablo espanol. I'm three quarters Indian and a quarter labia, you stupid fucking bitch. Wow, look at that. Jasleen Power. My goodness. Wow, where do we begin here? I think with the pussy. Yeah, I think so.

How dark are we talking? Well, like my face is pretty pale, but it just gets darker. It's like India, the further south you go, the darker the people get. Exactly. My goodness, that is interesting. White boys wouldn't eat it uh during my university years i was in a predominantly white area for school in canada and victoria bc oh canadians they just they don't eat anything unless you put fucking gravy and cheese curds on it

yeah i would think this is kind of like gravy, though. Depends on the time of the month, right? You're creamy. Okay, Red Band. All right. Come on. Let's stay creative with that soundboard over there, Red Band. Come on. Mamma mia.

But the Mexicans did, huh? Proof yet again that Mexicans will eat anything. Yes. How did he teach you how to fuck? Oh, it was just like, you know, after hooking up with a bunch of white guys, I realized they were afraid, but he

was just in it to win it. He didn't care. You know, I'd take a shit, and he didn't care. Wait, what? Is that true? You took a shit? Well didn't care. Wait, what? Is that true? You took a shit? Well, like, not on him, but it would be like... God, it really is brown down there.

Well, it wasn't like I took a shit and then he, like, wanted it. And it was more like he didn't care that if I took a shit. I would hop in the shower and then he could eat the butt and it was chill. But he wasn't scared of it. I felt like white guys were really scared of it. Holy shit. Feminist Stacey. Okay, I just want to say I'm a feminist, but bitch, you're disgusting.

No. I'm clean. I'm good. I'm just saying the love was next level. Like one time I had my period and I told him, in order to uplift the ancestral conditionings, I need you to wipe my period blood on your third eye.

And he did. And it was so great. I don't even know what any of that means. Hold on. You had him wipe your period on his forehead? Yeah. So there was a little red period on his forehead? Yeah. So there was a little red dot on his forehead.

Like Lion King Simba Rafiki. Just like a little bimby. I think that's called the Temple of Doom. Whoa. Yeah, that is insane. Indiana Jones. Why? Why would Indiana Jones. Why? Why would Indiana Jones be a thing?

He just said the Temple of Doom. Oh. Yeah, idiot. There you go. I guess so. Yeah. Very good. Has a girl ever asked you to do that, Tony?

No, no. I don't hook up with people that would ever do anything like that whatsoever. Hey, there was a deep bond. They get shy in front of me. They do. They get a little nervous. Yeah, they don't do anything like that whatsoever. Hey, there was a deep bond. They get shy in front of me. They do. They get a little nervous. Yeah, they don't take chances like that. They don't say shit like,

let me put my pussy juice on your forehead? Yeah, no. She's hot enough to get away with it, though, right? That's why he would eat my ass if it was a little dirty. He would do this period shit. No, you're a very beautiful girl. It's just an odd request, because neither of us get anything out of this.

I started watching a lot of videos about periods and, like, how to really embrace that, because it's a very hard time. So if there's some sort of spiritual uplifting I can do, some people paint with their blood, some people wipe it on their partner's third eye to uplift the ancestral conditionings of the generational trauma.

Right. Stop trying to get pussy, bro. What was that? There's more male feminists out there than we thought. It's just, yeah. But if you get off on it, I guess. I just don't understand.

I don't think he got off on it, but I think... Do you respect him when you see it? Like, when you see your fucking period on his forehead, are you like, that's the guy for me? This pathetic Mexican trying to stay in the country?

You're threatening him? I do. I do. I respect that. You're not even here legally. No. Well, I got an O-1. I'm on an O-1 visa.

Does that O stand for ovary? Yes, it does. So what happened with this Mexican guy? Where's he at now? He's at home maybe watching this. That's how I found out about this. So you've been hanging out with him a lot? No. Oh. It's over? It is

over. I moved from New York to here for him, and then I moved out of his place in May of this year, and it's just been a rang-dang-doodle-doo. Rang-dang-doodle-doo? It's just been hard. And, you know, yeah, it's over.

But you guys hook up sometimes? Yeah. You ever fall asleep with your hand on his dick? Yeah. Yeah. When's the last time you guys hooked up? Wow, we keep stumping these people with the sex questions, huh? I actually saw him on Saturday night.

Whoa. Yeah. What'd you guys do? We, you know, got a little freaky. We freaked it. And it was great. It was passionate. What was freaky about?

Well, it wasn't scary, but it was like, you know, you get freaky. I freaked it. You just had sex. Yeah, we just had sex, but it wasn't regular, but it was like, you know, you get freaky. I freaked it. We just had sex. Yeah, we just had sex, but it wasn't regular. It was passionate and great. And it's, you know, good dick will imprison you. And it got me fucked up. Wow.

I love that. Wow. Are you just quoting Kanye lyrics now? Is that what he says? My goodness. Listen, I know you said white guys won't fuck you, but you sound like a real freak, and I respect women now,

so if you want to give it a try, I guess I'll try to learn something. Heck yeah. Is that true about your labia? You have a big labia? Is that a joke? I think it's quite long, and like an elbow skin type.

I don't feel anything. I could pull it for so long. Really? Oh my God. She's a man. Tight in the knot. That seems long. Throw it over your shoulder.

Elbow skin is funny. You could get it chopped off. I don't believe in genital mutilation. I also don't believe in circumcision. Feminist Stacy. You should see the size of my clit. It's almost like a male dick. That's true.

It's true. Feminist Stacy's is so long you the size of my clit. It's almost like a male dick. That's true. That's true. Feminist Stacey's is so long, you can measure for a first down with it. I have weekly periods. Wow. My God. Jeez Louise. That's aggressive, Stacey.

Jasleen, how long have you been doing stand-up? This will probably be my ninth or tenth time. I think last time I said it was my seventh. It's only been a few times since. I'm working on an EP musically, so I'm just, you know. What's an EP to you? An extended period? That's my musical project. I rap,

so I did that last time. Oh, that's right. Oh, you rap. That's right. Can you give us another example of your rapping? Yeah, give us some bars, please. Yeah, we love that here. We love people with special talents. Special. Go right ahead. You want to go acapella

or you want to beat from Joel? Yeah, acapella's cool. Okay, fine. We thought you'd like getting some help from a Mexican guy, but... From behind.

I'm throwing a house party. Fuck the lames and the blonde fake bitch Barbies Calling all starving artists who are ready to harvest the beats and feed me Don't forget about the wolves, give their teeth heaps And see them grin until they're full, until they're full You know the world views, you're supposed to eat food like 32 Choose gotta break through that tendamy, just you and me

I'm the lusty in the back of the lust shack Your tracks are the way you run with that, but it's tit for tat. I don't care how. Take a look at a map. Get to the finish line by the end of this rap. Us girls talk a lot because we got two mouths. One up north and one down south. Beach with my big bitch.

Miami nights. Coming home around quarter after five. Sipping on that pina colada night after night. This is what I want for the rest of my life. Watching the sun rise in paradise. Cracking jokes without fucking up the punchline. Wow. Look at that.

My goodness. Wow. That was so impressive. I might let you rub your period blood on my forehead sometime. That's a little bendy. That was fun, Jasleen. Anything else for Jasleen, everybody? No.

I thought it was great confidence. Yeah. You got a lot of confidence. It's very good. For real. You carry yourself well. You talk about vulnerable things and you own it.

You just are straight up and very honest. Yeah. It will help you for sure. Nine or ten times in comedy. It's very good so far. Jasleen Power, everybody. Best of luck.

She's on social media at Horsepower. All one word. Spelled P-O-W-A-R. Her one word spelled P-O-W-A-R. Her last name's P-O-W-A-R. A little cutie. What'd she say? She was Indian?

Just Indian? My goodness. Wow. She could be anything. It doesn't matter. Jesus Christ. What a creep. Trash can.

My goodness. All right, pull the name out. Make some noise for Nate Welch, everyone. We're flying through it. Wow, big pop from the crowd. Here he comes, Nate Welch. One more time for Nate. Thank y'all.

Now, I'm from a small town in in Louisiana I ain't been out here that long And I know My head looks like a dick But that don't mean I'm a dickhead I'm not a cop Not a Nazi And I don't have a degree in American History X I just look like Stone Cold Steve Austin and Little Debbie's Bastard.

Like Stone Cold Steve Austin quit wrestling in the WWE and started wrestling with depression. They call him the Texas Rattlesnake and they call me the Louisiana Snack Cake. But I tell you this, man, I'm single, and they got a lot of females out here that are looking for sugar daddies. And I'm like, look, I'm sweet, I got a dad bod, but I ain't your goddamn sugar daddy. Like, I'm from the bayou,

but that don't mean I'm a bayou shit. There you go, Nate Welch, everyone Hell yeah Fuck yeah Look at you, we went from jasleen power to white power It's incredible You look like a serious man Nah

Alright Welcome, welcome How long have you been doing stand-up, Nate? About a year You started in Louisiana? Yeah, I did it for about three months back home Welcome, welcome How long you been doing stand-up, Nate? About a year About a year You started in Louisiana? Yeah, I did it for about three months back home And then when I moved here

So you moved here about nine months ago? No, I moved here about a year ago I took a few months to kind of figure out how L.A. was Because, like I said, you know, I feel like a fucking, yeah Louisiana Saturday night, you know No, I feel like a Neanderthal living in a different world. Of course, you are. You're from Louisiana.

That's what I'm saying. Absolutely. What was so different about LA? From Louisiana to here? Yeah. The people, bruh. What about them? Just, dude, like they got...

I don't know, man. I just feel like there's a whole different fucking culture, like, you know, and the people are just different. Like, they got a lot of cool people I met out here, but they also got some just overall, they ain't got no respect, I feel like. Oh, wow. Here we go. Now we're getting into it. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? A little Rodney Dangerfield over here.

Oh, I've been a bouncer for 12 years. I knew you were a fucking bouncer, dude. You got the vibe, dude. You have the vibe for sure. Thanks, bro. So, and they just don't have respect for you at the club. They don't respect you. No, not even that in general.

I'm just talking about people in general. Like, walking down the street, you know, people just like, like, I guess back home people say hello, hey, how you doing, good morning, shit like that. Yeah. Little things. And over here, they just like, on their phone are fucking bitching about something. Yeah. You know that's people that move here, right?

Yeah, I feel that. I ain't hating on the, like I said, I came here, you know, I ain't hating on the people that came, that are here. You're just making your observation.

Yeah, I'm just saying that's how I see it. So people back home say hello to each other a lot. Yeah, people back home are more, you know, I guess, what you say, hospitable.

Yeah, well they just got nothing to fucking do. Yeah, we ain't got shit to do, exactly. Out here people actually got shit to do. Exactly. Back home we ain't

really got shit except, you know. Exactly. You moved here so that you could, you know, make a better life to do. Exactly. Out here, people actually got shit to do. Exactly. Back home, we ain't really got shit except, you know. Exactly. You moved here so that you could, you know, make a better life for yourself. Exactly. Get busy. Make it big. Have agents and managers calling you, right, so that one day, eventually, you could be

the guy on your phone with your head down ignoring some idiot that just moved here from Louisiana. Exactly. Tony. Tony, are we good? I ain't saying I'm asking people to say hello. I'm just saying something I know. No, you're just making these observations. Yeah.

How do you feel about the Jews? Bruh, I'm going to tell you, dude. You want me to be honest? Hold on. He just said, you want me to be honest? Yes. Wait a second. This is interesting.

Turn off the video. Yeah, exactly. Can we stop this stream? Actually, you know what? It'll stop itself. Go ahead. So I'm going to be honest, bro. I'm from a really, really small town in Louisiana.

You never met one before. I never met no Jewish people before. Yeah. But I know I don't like them. See, I just, it's really funny because just because I don't like them. See, I just... It's really funny because just because I ain't got no hair, people assume I ain't friends with them. I'm like, bro, y'all cool.

But I met one... The first one I met was... How Jewish? Like, did he have the fucking... No, she was a she. She was a she? We're in L.A., asshole. She is a she. How Jewish? Like, did he have the fucking... No, she was a she. She was a she? I worked... We're in L.A., asshole. She is a she.

How do you know? Because she is a lesbian. Ah. Ah. What is that supposed to mean, huh? That's a chick that likes a chick, right? Yes. That's what I thought.

Anyway. I'm trying to be PC. Okay, so you met a lesbian Jewish woman. Yeah. Okay, good. I worked on the TV shows. Back home, I worked security on them. She was one of the chicks from out here

down there. Right. I didn't know she was Jewish until she told me. I always thought she was a chick. Wow. Oh, wow. Wow. This is your stand-up, by the way. This is why you're funny.

Okay, now I'm getting it. People from Louisiana are different. Okay, so what happened? So, like, you shake her hand. Does your hand heat up or anything? No, no. I ain't gonna lie, bro. I ain't gonna lie.

Yeah, yeah. I was working security in, like, literally in the swamp in Louisiana. Yeah. And, like, my job was to watch the fucking road and make sure nobody tried to break in the dirt road. Like, they got anybody within a couple miles. You know,

ain't got nobody there. Right. But I'm sitting there, I can work 12-hour shifts, so I'm sitting there smoking cigarettes, leaning on my car, reading a book.

Yeah. I know I don't look like I read a book. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm reading a book. Right. What book were you reading? And I see this chick walk by

and she goes... Can you just tell us what book you were reading real quick? It's on Playboy quick? I was reading Are Jews Real? I know they're real. I've seen South Park, bro.

I know they're real. I've seen South Park. Holy shit, Nate Welch. This is good. Oh my God. What are you reading? I was reading Dialogue, Robin McKean. Holy shit Nate Welch This is good Oh my god Okay go on So what are you reading? Oh I was reading

Dialogue Robert McKee Okay I write Okay So I was doing that Sure But I was just reading the book

And I said good morning Call back to that Yeah yeah I just said good morning Because I was literally The only person there And she walked by To go to Crafty or some shit

Yeah yeah She was like the only other person I feel weird Not saying hey to somebody You should say hello So I said good morning And she was like Good morning Like the only other person. I feel weird not saying hey to somebody. You should say hello. So I said good morning and she was like, good morning. Like surprised. And that's how I feel like a lot of people I hear is when I say that to somebody

or see somebody, I'm like, hey, good morning. Now, when you said good morning, did you pronounce it like free Palestine? I don't think I ever said Palestine in my life to be honest with you. Palestine is the guy that wrote all the Goosebumps books, right? That's his cousin. There it is.

Joelberg. Wow. Joelberg is here. So good. Okay. My goodness. So then you guys become friends? Oh, yeah.

So we became cool, and she actually lives out here. She told me I should probably come out here because I was trying to do comedy and trying to write and shit. How did you find out she was Jewish? She told me. Just started it off. Well, I brought her and her old lady to a crawfish bowl. And she couldn't eat the crawfish because it's a shellfish.

No, she ate it. She did. Oh, yeah. You know lesbians. They love to eat out. I gave them a plate because they ain't never had crawfish before. So I brought them down there with my boys who were all like big cuyons. And I brought them down there and they got like a big plate of fucking crawfish and like corn and sausage and hot dogs and shit.

Fuck yeah, lesbian fucking power food. And I gave it, I picked up the hot dog and I was like, I know you don't like these, but you should try it. And then that's when she said something, something, something, and somehow Jewish came up. Yeah. They can't eat any of that food. No shellfish, no pork. That's why. Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah. So you basically, yeah, you were trying to eat it. That might be why she ain't eat it then. That's probably it. Yeah. Okay. It's not that she likes pussy. Thanks, bro.

You're just thinking she's a lesbian the whole time. What are some of the... Hey, I was making a lesbian joke. These lesbians are weird. Did you learn anything else about Jewish people since moving out here? I think they're cool. The ones that I met, they're cool. Yeah.

I just see them as they're people. I don't know what they do different. How do you rank them amongst the minority? They're people. I don't know what they do different. How do you rank them amongst the minority? Power rankings? Give me your minority power ranking. Well, I'm going to be honest. I'm a dark meat kind of guy, so I'm going to go with black people. Okay.

They're your favorites? Are we starting with your least favorite or your favorite? My favorite. Okay. I'm from New Orleans, and a lot of people think because I've got a bald head and I'm from the South that I don't like people. But I'm like, nah, I'm cool with pretty much everybody except people I don't fucking like. Who are those people? Assholes.

Chinese. Chinese. Nah, bro. You know, yellow asshole. Dark asshole. Nah, bro. You know, yellow asshole. Dark asshole. Nah, bro. Okay, so black? No, I like everybody, bro.

I ain't gonna lie. I like, you know, I'm from the south, so I got, I guess, flavor. Flavor. That's the thing. I think white people are the most fucking annoying people, to be honest with you. Right. Whoa. You will fit in here in LA.

Not all white people But like the fucking Like I go to like You know I hear a lot of people Talk about shit Yeah Out here There's different shit That we talk about back home

Yeah And like I guess they just You know That's white people shit I see a lot of That's white people shit Oh sorry to bother you

With women's rights Well no bro I see I think everybody's cool bro It don't matter If you're a chick dude Used to be a chick Used to be chick, used to be a dude, about to be a dude. I don't give a fuck. You make friends with any transgender people yet?

I know a couple. Yeah? They got them in New Orleans, dude. Oh, wow. I'm sorry. All right. I didn't know. Bourbon Street.

That's why they call it gumbo out there. Well, that's the thing, bro. It's like out here, like back home, we got people from all over. Real quick, do you feel do you feel how natural you're talking right now compared to like in the beginning yeah i was nervous i know you're nervous it's a really crazy thing to come up and do it but look how funny you are when you're just kind of talking about your experience that's what they always tell me tap into that thanks man you don't have to you don't have to fake it or be it it's already in there so just that really

means a lot because that's one of the things i'm trying to figure out is like because i ain't been doing it that long out here yeah and it's just the things I'm trying to figure out because I ain't been doing it that long out here. It's just a matter of trying to figure out how to take that and put it right here. That's it. That's why I felt like I've been coming here since – I've been coming doing this since March. Okay, good. Keep it up. This is the first time I got up, so I felt like it'll probably help me take that step.

Funny stuff, man. Exactly that. It's all the stuff that we dragged out of you. You know what I mean? You came up here and you talked about Louisiana, but you really talked about what you look like.

You did a lot of jokes about that. And then during this interview part, you're talking about the real I'm from Louisiana, your real perspective on things, not just jokes

about what you look like. It's just hard to figure out how to do that. Let me cut you off. You just did it. You're doing it. Well, thanks, man. There he is. Nate Welch, everybody.

Booyah. Who dat? On to the next one. Fun times. Come back. Keep signing up, Nate. Sometimes it takes a while to get up for your first time, but you gotta just keep fucking signing up. You can't win the lottery if you don't play. Look at Aphrodite

adding another layer of lipstick to those luscious fucking beautiful lips. Oh my fucking god, ladies and gentlemen. And like that, the bucket of destiny speaks. I just pulled a name out while acknowledging her. I present to you Kill Tony Icon. Started here at the age of what? 65 or something? How old are you? Going on 61 years old.

Ladies and gentlemen, she started at 61, now she's 64. Make some noise for the one and only Aphrodite. Yeah. There she is. Kill Tony icon. It's been a long time since we've seen her. Whoa, she has some wacky shit.

One more time for Aphrodite, everybody. I'm doing this because there's a motherfucking emergency going on. Some motherfucking emergency going on. Some motherfucking emergency. Ladies, these men are growing pussies on their faces. You seen all these guys, all this pussy hair on their faces? Yeah. Look at Tony. Look at Tony.

He's growing a pussy on his face now, too. Red band, too. Growing pussies on their faces. Look, there's some guys in the audience audience you got a pussy on your face too and even worse some of these guys are growing titties ladies yes they are some of them got bigger titties than us

I can't sleep with no man got titties they making us lesbians ladies they making us lesbians I can't be in the bed with no naked man with titties I can't do it it's lesbians. I can't be in the bed with no naked man with titties. I can't do it. It's a fucking shame. I just can't do it.

Y'all need to do something about a bazir. All you motherfuckers with titties and then it's bad enough they got these nuts hanging. I'm designing a nut bazir. I'm tired of getting banged in the ass with nuts. I'm tired of it. Fuck yeah, Aphrodite. Doing it. Living the dream. Fuck yeah. Aphrodite. Doing it. Living the dream.

She's here every single week. Signs up every single week for four or five years now. Welcome back, Aphrodite. Thank you, Tony. I've been doing it over three years now. I love it. Three years. I love it. Look at you. More voluptuous than ever. I mean, you are unbelievable. Yeah, 64-year-old real titties. Boom, boom. Look at you. More voluptuous than ever. I mean, you are unbelievable.

Yeah, 64-year-old real titties. Boom, boom, motherfuckers. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah! Real ass, too. Too, too, too, too, too. Oh, shit. Yeah! Oh, my goodness. Are you carrying that glowing thing so we could find you if the lights go out?

Joe Berg, I'll see you at the show. I'll punch you in your motherfucking face, okay? I need subtitles. I don't understand you. My goodness, Aphrodite. Don't attack another woman. What is that thing that you have that you came up here swinging? It's a motherfucking emergency.

I had to create a police state. What? You know, when the police come after you, they go... And then what do they do? Shoot you? If you black, they definitely gonna shoot your ass. You better go live.

I have no idea what you just said. You go live. If the police pull you over and you black, you go live. So you know you have some witness to your murder. I love it, Aphrodite. So what's been going on in life? You came up here, guns a-blazing, talk about pussies on their face. You're talking about facial hair.

No, real pussy hair. There's real pussy hair y'all got on y'all faces. Oh, pussy hair. Pussy hair. I hope not. My beard's gray. There's real pussy hair y'all got on y'all faces. Oh, pussy hair. Pussy hair. I hope not. My beard's gray. That's disgusting. Do you have gray pubic hairs after a baby? No, I cut

that shit out. I go get my pussy done. You get nails done, you get your pussy done. You get your pussy done? Oh my god, that sounds like a fucking real full-time job. Does that guy wear a hard hat for a gig like that? Well, I put it like I must be doing a good job because I haven't had it ate the last couple of weeks straight. Hey.

Oh, god damn. That's right. Women can still be sexual after the age of 60. That's right. God damn. Who's been eating that thing? Is this the Mexican guy from earlier? No, hell no.

I told you I like the plantation fucking. I got to be on the plantation fucking. Wow. So you're talking. What does that mean? That means a black man that looks like a slave. He can fuck real good. Oh, my God.

Okay. So you're on the plantation. You still want to fuck the workers, though. I got you. No, the brothers. Yeah. Well, they were doing the work. That's all good.

The big brothers with the big dicks. Gotcha. Gotcha. The big dick. I get angry if the dick is little. I get angry. I got to see a psychiatrist. I can't help it.

You get angry at it. What do you do when you see a little one? I just start swinging. I can't help it. You start swinging? You start punching him because his dick is little? Yeah, I can't do it. No, but see, that don't happen because I check the motherfuckers.

I check. You check their dick first. Hell yeah. Ain't going to surprise me. Shit. You give him that little pet, right? That little dick first. Hell yeah. Ain't going to surprise me. Cheers. You give them that little pet, right? That little dick pet.

No, I'm going in the pants. I'm looking at the motherfucker like, suspect their motherfucking agent number 27. I'm going to look at that motherfucker because I don't want no gross on that motherfucker either. So wait, you take the dick out and then you look through the dick. I'm going to make him unzip his motherfucking pants and I'm going to see if he got a dick or a made pussy or whatever the fuck is in there. Wow. It's like Django unzipped. She said slave.

I didn't say it. He going to have to show me. I'm from Missouri. You got to show me. I don't want to hear shit. Wow. So what happens if it's a big, giant, voluptuous, like a... Exactly.

Caveman coffee can. Is this what you need? I'm being serious. Yeah, I got one. I got one in my life right now. Yes, I do. And it's that size. The man is hung like a motherfucker.

Oh, I don't even know what to say. A horse or whatever the fuck you call it when your dick is huge. Is it because there's a lot of security to get through to get to the actual good part of the vagina? Is that why you like it so big? No, I just want to feel the motherfucker. I don't want to get naked and ain't felt a goddamn thing. Right, that would suck.

I want to know I've been fucked. How about that? Yeah. Does it still hurt at your age? What does it feel like? Hell no. Hell no, it don't hurt. No, it doesn't hurt.

No, you're going to lick the pussy first. That's why it ain't going to hurt. Hey. Oh, shit. What the hell? Do you force him to eat it? Oh, no. He asks right away.

He asks what he want to do. Can I ask you a question? Is your ass real? Hell yeah. You want to feel it? Yeah. Come feel it. Oh, this is exciting.

Wow. She's flexing it and everything. Is that not the craziest? That smelled like a Hennessy Buffalo wing right there. It's probably very few black women that have a fake ass, you know. I mean, it's amazing. 64 uptight like that is unbelievable. Yeah, it is.

I'm very impressed. It's a high crane booty. You know, one of them Jedi booties. Jet out and jet back in. Mike. That's unbelievable. I'm very impressed. It's a high crane booty. You know, one of them Jedi booties. Jet out and jet back in. That's incredible. Does it ever give you any trouble with anything? No. Ever on an airplane?

Or does it ever fall asleep or anything like that? No. I actually fell off the bed a couple of times because it's so heavy. You did. It has a mind of its own. It just rolls over for you. Yeah, the ass weighs about 250 pounds, y'all. Seriously. It's hard for me to go up

the steps. That's why it take me so long to come up the steps. I had to go one and two. Because it'll pull me back down. The ass ain't no joke. Really? Maybe that's why you need the big dick. So it's in the way. Well, see, if I roll over on the little guy, he'd probably be dead. Yeah.

Yeah. That's true. Dead ass. Yeah. Yeah, this is. Dead ass. Shulbert. Hey, what can I say?

Aphrodite. I love it. That's another very impressive performance. Anything else Up your sleeve for the night? Well I'd like to If I can do just a little bit of that song Can you do a tiny bit of a song?

Just a little sample Because my voice is really going through something I did a show with Top Shelf Brass Band You guys have seen them on the show We've been performing for over a year now Okay do the song He's got it on there. Turn it up loud, please.

This is dedicated to Prince. Did you email him? Yeah, he's got it on his email. He's been at it. What's the first five letters of your email? A-F-R-O. I should have known that. What the fuck, man?

A-F-R-O. A-F-R-O-D-Y-E-T-E. D-Y-E. D-Y-E-T-E. All right. Hey, there we go. We found it. Look at that. Oh, shit.

I'm just going to do a little intro into it. It's called Hit Me With Dat Hot Stuff, which is basically a calm shot. Holy shit. Crank your, Red Band. Baby. Oh, shit. Hit me with it, baby. Hit me with it, baby.

Baby. Hit me with it, baby. Hit me with that hot stuff. Hit me with it, baby. Hit me with that hot stuff. Come on, baby. Hit me with that hot stuff. Come on, make your mind. Hit me with that hot stuff. Come on, make your mind. Hit me with that hot stuff. Baby, you're so fine.

I want to love you from head to toe, baby. You make me feel so good a sign baby I just wanna lay there and let you do whatever you wanna do to me baby city's all good oh you can ride this ass all

night long I'm gonna turn off the telephone and let you do it, baby Let you hit me with a toe That punk is soul And that big love thing you got Wow!

Thank you. 64 motherfucking years old. Every single time you're on this show, you use that charisma and that incredible fucking energy. It's just unbelievable. I fucking love you, Aphrodite. Can I just say this, Tony? That was written by myself and a Kill Tony show fan named Derek Hall

sent me that 48 seconds at first. Five seconds listening to it, I knew it was for Prince. There you go. Thank you so much. We love you. Yeah. I love you guys so much, and I love this man right here so fucking much. I could cry every time.

Aphrodite, ladies and gentlemen. She's on social media at Aphrodite Love up here living the dreams. Living her goddamn dreams. We're going to go back to the bucket in a second. Last week, I forgot to tell you about this, Andrew. Last week we had a guy get pulled out of the bucket for the very first time who blew our minds. It turns out he has ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease, and he had an unbelievable minute, an unbelievable interview. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

for his return the one and only Michael Lehrer everybody yeah set it off I'm always mad always mad mad at really healthy old people

like some 85 year old bitch jumping out of a plane get over yourself you're not special no one cares I'm always mad

when people hug me I whisper in their ear I'm contagious you have this I whisper in their ear, I'm contagious. You have this shit now, motherfucker. I track down my ex-girlfriend's online. I go, look, see, I did you a favor by being an asshole. Apology accepted.

Thank you. Wow. Holy shit. He did it again. 58 seconds on the nose from Michael Lair. This is so cool, man. Two weeks in a row, you're absolutely slaughtering. Hell yeah.

And you did exactly your time, which is beautiful because you don't have much left. Let's face it, right? Yeah. Hey. Come on, baby. Hey, you know, the ice bucket guy died today. Is that true? Yeah.

Yeah, the guy who started it. He died today. Is that true? Yeah. Yeah, the guy who started it. He died today. Last week, that's great, because last week he made a lot of references to where the fuck did all that money go. Yeah. I'm sitting in a $3,000 chair, y'all. Give me some of that money. Wow. Now, Michael, remind me,

how long you been doing stand-up? 20 years. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Well, no, I'm stand-up five months, but I, um... Oh. I did I did

Second City for ten years in Chicago. Well there you go. That's what I've always said is doing too much improv comedy at places like Second City causes Lou Gehrig's disease.

I'm suing all those motherfuckers. Hell yeah. You hear that, Andrew? I'm suing your bitch ass. Tony, how is he easier to understand than Aphrodite?

Tony, how is he easier to understand than Aphrodite? Hey, why don't you act like him and sit the fuck down, bitch? Goddamn. ALS meets BET. Wow. Fuck yeah Michael So you been having fun man Fuck yeah dude Hell yeah

Yeah man except some of these comics They be talking to my Nurse slash girlfriend Too much That's why I'm wearing the fight kit It's like merch. That's why I'm wearing the fight kit. It's like It's like It's like

putting an ADT sign on your lawn but not buying the shit. Oh my god Yeah Oh my god, you're so awesome Thank you

Oh my god, you're so fucking awesome Thank you Thank you What else do you want to know, Tony? Hey Hey, you know what? I would love to invite you to the Ice House And do a ten minute set want to know, Tony. Hey. Hey, you know what? I would love to invite you to the Ice House and do a 10-minute set

in two weeks, all right? All right, awesome. Hey, can I say real quick, I'm a big fan of Charlemagne. Oh, I'm going to tell him, bro. No, I was trying to joke like I thought that was Charlemagne the god.

Heck yeah. Oh, I really forgot. Charlemagne's the only god you still believe in. Get it? Because it's Charlemagne the god? Oh, yeah. I thought. Oh!

Oh! Wow, Mike. I think he was trying to burn me. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But instead of burned, it was kind of icy. No, I like you a lot, Andrew Schultz. I like your style. Hey, man, I thought it was fucking great, dude.

Oh, I appreciate it, bro. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Do you guys really not like the Ice Bucket guy? No, not the guy. He raised $100 million, but the ALS Association, they're getting beat up online because people are saying, where the fuck is the money? And they're getting raises and shit.

So he's a hero. A lot of people hate the AOL Association. Heck yeah. Yeah. Fuck AOL. I'm glad he's dead. Yeah. Yeah.

I love it, man. Yeah, man. That's so cool. And you're here with your nurse girlfriend? Yeah. Nurse slash girlfriend. That's so cool. And you're here with your nurse girlfriend? Yeah, nurse slash girlfriend. Heck yeah. Wow.

So how long have you two been together? We met on Tinder a year and a half ago. Damn. Wow. Fuck yeah. Does she give you lap dances sometimes? Yeah. I can't do it doggy style anymore,

but I can fuck on my back. She isn't busy. Yeah, what? Oh, she isn't. That's so great. Yeah, but the thing is, there's a little rule. She used to be married, and her ex-husband is an artist,

and in her bedroom is all his art on the walls. So we're fucking, I'm just staring at his artistic expression and his name's up there. And she kept the name's out there. And she kept the name like a souvenir. A souvenir? I fucking love you, Michael. I love you.

When we started dating, I was under the impression that there would be some buff-fucking. And a year and a half later, not only has

there not been any buff-fucking, it's pretty clear there will be no buff-fucking. Very good. Wow. I mean, Michael Lair, you're doing a spot at the Ice House on Friday. You absolutely have slaughtered two weeks in a row.

Bravo! We are huge fans of you. Bravo! Keep coming back. We fucking love you. You'll always have a place here at Kiltown. Thank you. Thank you.

Heck yeah. For a while. Abso-fucking-lutely, Michael. Unbelievable. One more time for Michael Lehrer, everyone. Hell yes. Coming through with his guaranteed spot. Unbelievable.

Now let's keep this momentum going. We have two regulars on this show, ladies and gentlemen. Before we get back to the bucket, let's get new minutes from them. Every single week they have to write and perform a brand new minute. Not easy to do. You know, this first guy coming up, he's been a regular for a long time now. He has traveled with us. He's been around the country with us.

He's a very controversial figure. People either love him or hate him. I love him. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the big red machine, the one and only William Montgomery. Here he is. In the flesh. I'm only here. Dale. Dale. Day-o

Day-o Day-o Daylight come and me one go hope Day-o Dude, shut the fuck up. So I've been wearing scrubs a bunch recently. You know, people think you're a doctor, but I hate being in the grocery store just having to tell people,

no, I can't fix your arm are these five dollar bills because i've got a bunch of them in my fucking wallet right now that's my father at Disney World in 2002 looking for my mom. One last sort of pearl of wisdom for y'all. I've become sort of a motivational

speaker. The thing about baseball, there's always a chance. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. So nice to be here, y'all. I've been in Phoenix the past two weeks. Let's give it up for Phoenix.

Why would they give it up for Phoenix? You're in Los Angeles, William. How many of y'all ever climbed up a ladder? Yeah. I'm in construction now. You are? I climb up ladders now. You do?

You ever climbed up a 30 step ladder? No. Neither have I. It scares me to death. Wow. A lot of energy coming from you today, William. Yeah, I have something called tunnel vision, Tony.

You do? How'd you get that? Watching Jaws the Revenge too many times. Why have you been watching it? Let's give it up for sharks, y'all Let's give it up for Pensacola Beach, Florida, y'all Y'all ever been on the Atlantic? Y'all ever eaten a juice Crab Jack

Wow I love that I'm allergic to shellfish Tony Turn that shit off red man We were in San Diego This Friday with William And he came out and he said

What's up San Antonio And he said, what's up, San Antonio? And he said it was on purpose, but I think he forgot. Let's hear it for the Spurs, y'all. I don't know how many y'all ever watched it. Let's give it up. San Antonio. Wow. Dude, shut the fuck up.

This is my best set I've ever fucking had. And we have Osama bin Laden fucking my shit up. I don't like Muslims. I believe in Jesus. Whoa. Wow. in Jesus. Whoa, wow. Very controversial. Very, very controversial statement there.

I'll be quite frank. I would rather play Chinese checkers versus reading the Koran. I think a lot of people would actually probably prefer that, to be honest. I live in the sewers! What? Off Alexander! It's really cold down there this time of year. I'm really hoping my daughter will be able to meet me for the first time in two weeks

at the Memphis Children's Museum. I'm a little worried she will not be able to meet me. I have something called dyslexia. I have a hard time reading books, reading magazine. Reading magazine? What the fuck did you just say?

Whoa. I got a lot riding on this! Piece of shit! My goodness, William. What's riding on this? What's so different about this episode than every other week? Some man from AOL, that company, reached out to me two weeks ago. Said, I want you to be our main spokesperson on our commercials.

I was like, what do you mean, AOL? I thought that was defunct. He was like, what do you mean AOL? I thought that was defunct. He was like, no, not really. We have a side project called Zorro 2. It's a new Zorro movie coming out. He was like, I really want you to just sort of be the spokesperson. At that point in time, I was down in Pensacola Beach, Florida. I was watching Jaws the Revenger Bunch. Let's check in with feminist Stacy over here. I just never liked AOL as a company.

Why can't it be You've Got Female? Oh, real feminist. That's a feminist joke there. Or You've got cyber sex. I used to cyber sex. You did? With the best of them. My name was Pat106 at AOL.com.

I was on the gay chat rooms. Oh, yeah? What kinds of things would you say in the gay chat rooms, William? I would say, Michael, meet me in the cul-de-sac in two hours. Please, our conversation is making me hot. I don't know what to do. I'm watching the movie Congo right now. Why aren't you laughing, you son of a bitch?

Wow. Shut the fuck up. Seems to be like you've got a new fucking little slogan. Is this your new get her done? Shut the fuck up? Just turn on audience members? William, I'll just be quite frank, Tony. When a Muslim person is talking shit to me, it makes my skin crawl.

All right, all right. When did this Muslim thing become a new situation? Probably two years ago, I was a subscriber to Encyclopedia Britannica. I was reading a bunch, and I got to the M Encyclopedia, and I started reading up on Muslim folk, if you want to call them that. What would you call them? What do you call them? I call them, hey, Michael Spencer, if that's actually your name are you actually going to meet me in the cul-de-sac

tonight? Oh Jesus. Did you ever meet any of these guys in the cul-de-sac? Did you ever actually end up hooking up with a guy from the chat rooms? A man named Andrew Michael he had something if you want to call it what I'm about to call it just

a guy without feet. So wait, he just had calves and it just ended at his ankle? He was born with a condition not dissimilar to the condition I was born with.

Something called hammer toe. But he was born with that and and he got on AOL, and he was Michael Ryan 864 Zorro. Wow, you're combining all the things that you said up here. At AOL.com, and I was talking to him, Pat106 at AOL.com. Things got hot and heavy. My mother, Frances, was worried just sort of about the dialogue that was occurring.

We were talking about sex. We were talking about you name it. All right, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. There it is, another new minute from William. It looks like only I got the wink tonight. He just winked directly at me. There it is, another new minute from William. It looks like only I got the wink tonight. He just winked directly at me. The famous William Montgomery wink.

There he goes. How about one more time for William, everyone? That was one of my favorite sets he's done in a while. That was great. He's great. It's not easy to come up with a brand new minute every single week that you're putting out there on the internet and it's brand new and you're fully exposed like that and

it's very, very incredible that he does that and is always hilarious through his interview part, which brings us to our other regular, everybody. This guy makes waves every single week, known for his incredible joke writing and great roasting skills. Here he

comes again, the one, the only, David Lucas, everybody. Here we go. Let's go, people. Make some noise. It's David Lucas. Yeah. David Lucas. David Lucas. B, nigga. You don't find too many

black girls who are into BDSM. And then I thought about it. Our ancestors had 200 years of that shit. Like, all right, I get it. I see why you're not into it. The only reason I date white women is to tie him up and beat him. You know what I'm saying? I was with this one white girl. I had her tied up and I was whooping her. And like the week before

I watched Roots. So like my emotions got into it. I was like, whoops, your name is Keisha. She's like, no, Rebecca. I was like, whoops, your name is Keisha. She's like, no, Rebecca. I was like, whoops, your name is Keisha. Bitch, you Keisha now.

All right, that's what I'll tell y'all. Fuck yes, dude. Wow. Wow. Again and again and again, you blow my mind. Every single week, I get a little more nervous because, again, I recognize how hard this is. You know, you and William have completely different defined styles, and he's great at improvising and sort of like being loosey-goosey and super silly,

and you come out here and you're able to follow it every single week with well-written, a solid, smart type of joke like that one. That's great. It's just so impressive. How long have you been doing it? I've been doing comedy since I was a teenager but seriously for like the last six years. Yeah. Very good. From Atlanta, Georgia.

Making. Just took a job as the newest door guy here at the comedy store. They still ain't got a sweater that fit me though. That sort of fits. You make it look like it fits. What do you do? What do you do to stretch out a jacket like that? Put that bitch across my car seat.

What do you drive, a Hummer? Yeah. Oh, shit. There it is. Uh-oh. David Lucas giving him that look. David's eyes turn bright red right before he's about to roast somebody. Turns a teen wolf style. It's hard to make fun of these characters, though.

The band's tough. Yeah, I can't do it. What's your jacket stand for? What do you represent? Gay people? Oh, okay. All right. How dare you?

What you represent, Tony? How dare you? Looking like a newborn kangaroo, Nick. Okay. All right. How dare you? What you represent, Tony? Looking like a newborn kangaroo, nigga. Okay. All right. Come on. Baby Joey head ass. Come on.

Jesus. Come on. Take it easy on me over here. Y'all twins and shit. This nigga look like the Oklahoma City Bomber. Adolf Hitler son licking ass this nigga named Steven Hitler

heck yeah you look like a diabetic killmonger David coming out guns a place. Hey, bro, you don't shut the fuck up with that Pornhub mustache, nigga? Look like you woke up this morning and washed your face with sandpaper. You look like you washed your face with gravy.

Oh, my goodness. You look like you're responsible for spinach having E. coli, nigga. I'm surprised you know what spinach is. Boom. Unbelievable. I fucking love this show. You got a big-ass mouth, nigga. You got a mouth full of Steve Harvey teeth

Oh god damn Y'all can't see this nigga teeth He look like his mouth wind up That motherfucker got a mouth full of molars Not all of us Halloween teeth mouth ass Damn Your teeth work better Not all of us. Halloween teeth mouth ass. Damn.

Your teeth work better. They don't. I'm missing like three. I need Joe Dennis. I love this. My goodness. Both people that look like Aphrodite have killed up here tonight. This is incredible.

Hey, don't Tony look like he do valet at Cheesecake Factory? I mean, you would know what the valet guys at Cheesecake Factory look like. Man, shut your skinny ass up. You look like you on a liquid diet, nigga. You can only drink water on your diet. Oh, my God. You've been brushing your teeth with desert sand, nigga. What?

Brown mouth ass. What are you talking about? Desert sand. What kind of sand? Is that different than regular sand? You got that Saudi Arabian imported sand. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. You look like you just go home and put your face in a sandbox. different than regular sand you got that saudi arabian imported sand oh my god jesus christ you like you just go home and put your face in a sandbox oh my goodness i don't even know what i actually do that sometimes i have a sandbox like an ostrich yeah yeah absolutely wow so david uh

i mean my goodness i don't want to i don't want to kill this roasting momentum, but how's life going? How's the new job at the Comedy Store? Everything good, man. You know what I'm saying? You fitting in? You meeting everybody? I'm not fitting in. I know you're not fitting in,

but you making a lot of friends here? You're working? Hey, Tony used to work at the Comedy Store. His job was to be in the flagpole. Why is that? Skinny ass. That motherfucker looking like a microphone stand with all that black on. My goodness.

These hurt my feelings sometimes, David. These really hurt sometimes. Cat dog looking ass. Wait, what? What'd he say? Cat dog. You know, cat dog in the cartoon don't nigga loaded. Cat law?

Cat dog. You're like a cat and a dog at the same fucking time. Cat dog? I don't know if you about to roof or meow. Oh my God. Jesus Christ, man. Hey, you got a pumpkin spice latte? You couldn't be any whiter up here. My goodness.

All you need is some potato salad with raisins in it. Oh my God. You are ruthless. I ain't told that in days. You fucking tell me a new asshole. No homo. No, I know. And Lord knows you could probably use another asshole.

Every single week he comes out guns a blazing with a brand new minute. And then right off the top of his fucking head head, comes out and fuckin' makes fun of everybody nonstop. You are a goddamn star, David Lucas, and we're glad that we have you here on Kill Tony. There he goes, the great, powerful David Lucas, everybody. Fuck yeah. Instant legend, the goat monster. Things are moving.

What do you say? Back to the bucket one more time, huh? Let's go. Here we go. This is it. The bucket of destiny will decide how this show goes. Make some noise. You're the final comedian of the night, most likely.

And he goes by the name of Russell Robertson Russell Robertson Double R Russell Robertson We are live here at the Comedy Store There he comes From the lobby I believe this is his first time on this show

We're going to find out all about him. Here he is. One more time. Final comedian, Russell Robertson. What's going on? It's way more than three people here. It's a lot more. Dating's tough out here in L.A., right, guys? It's tough? The girls have these really

high expectations. It's crazy. Like you're not allowed to be married. It's rough. I you're not allowed to be married. It's rough. I love my wife, though. I met her at church, so we were very religious and very horny. So it was nice. It's expensive being married, though, right? It's different from when you're single. When you're single, all you have to do is take her out to dinner and, you know, whatever. And then when you're married, it's expensive. You gotta pay for prostitutes. It's tough out there.

Thank you, guys. That's my time. My name is Russell. Thank you. Wow, only 40 seconds from Russell Robertson. Heck yeah. Russell, get back up here. Russell, come here. Russell. Russell, where the fuck are you going? What's going on here, Russell?

We still talk to you. Take the mic. I'll see you guys later. I got a chair to get back to. My wife is calling me right now. Russell Robertson only did 40 seconds, but by the looks of you, you're used to coming in short on your time, huh?

Well, actually, here I look a lot shorter than my dating online profile. It's a lot taller. I'm 6'2", so for the girls out there online. I can't decide what's real and what's not. Are you married? Are you single? I am married. You go back and forth so much.

And you're just in a relationship with her? Are you guys in an open relationship? No, it's not open. It's just fun. How just in a relationship with her? You guys in an open relationship? No, it's not open. It's just fun. How long have you been with her? Been with her about four years. Married for two. You live here in Los Angeles? Yeah, I live in Torrance.

So I guess no. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up about four months. Four months. A short time, just a short time. It's pretty short. Again, it's good.

Heck yeah. What do you do for work? I do set dressing, and I have a production company. We shoot commercials and music videos. Set dressing. Heck yeah. David Lucas loves dressing. Ranch, Thousand Islands.

You hear this? Oh, shit. There he is. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't see you over there against the black wall. He's upset. You're blending in.

Yeah, can we get Aphrodite to give him that glowy thing? Oh, shit. This is crazy over here. It's out of control. So tell us something interesting about your life, Russell. Tell us something that we can work with here. What's a fun fact about Russell Robertson? Do you want to cheat on your wife?

No. No, you don't? I don't. Definitely not on the weekdays, for sure. But for real, would you cheat? No, she's too hot. Because what if she... What about her mind?

Her mind is... That's what I was talking about. Her mind's very hot. Where were you asking, Andrew? I was serious. That's going to go away. Is her hotness the only thing that stops you from cheating? No, no.

She's amazing. I feel very lucky to be with her. I actually don't know how I landed her. I was 31 and she was 22. Right. I had to flip phone. I was 31 and she was 22. Right. You know, I had to flip phone. That's exactly how she was. It's L.A.

That's right. Wow. 31 and 22. What does she do? She is a hair product pusher. Okay. Okay. She sells hair products.

She sells hair products, different salons, you know. Hell yeah. And she does makeup and all that. Do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom that you like to do? Any special skills or talents in there? Anything you could teach us? As long as I'm there, I'm happy. My favorite position in the bedroom is 69 because it's all about equality.

Hey, male feminist. I like that. Male feminists knows what's up. Heck yeah. Anything else about the way you were raised? Let's see, my dad is ex-Marine. He served in Vietnam. That was always fun.

It was very intense. What happened? What happened? To you. What happened to me? so that was always fun. It was very intense. Yeah. What happened? What happened? To you. What happened to me? I don't know. I know there'd be so much talking.

I don't know. Yeah, it was very intense. I used to have a drum set in my room, so at 5 a.m. he'd always want me to wake up and he'd start playing drums really loud. You know how to play the drums? Yeah. Really? Oh, shit. Well,

there's only one way to end this episode. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. Get your ass back there. Okay. So let me, do you know what a Mexican drum off is, Russell? You were about to walk off after your set. You have no idea what show you're at

right now. This is very exciting. So let me tell you something, Russell. You're the first person to not know how the show works that could possibly become a permanent member of the show. It's about to be a Mexican drum off here, which means that you get a drum solo, and then the drummer, Joel Jimenez, gets a drum solo. You could do whatever you want.

You could use comedic value. You could use overall performance. You could just basically do anything that you set your mind to in this drum solo. If you win this drum solo competition, you become the new full-time drummer on Kill Tone. Whoa.

Heavy. You could travel the world with us. That means you'll be going to Columbus, Pittsburgh, and Cleveland doing giant theaters with us this weekend. We travel the world, and you will be part of that crew. You'll be on every home episode here at the Comedy Store. It's an hour and a half every single Monday of you being in the number one live podcast in the world.

You can do it by beating him in a drum solo. The only problem is he's never lost a Mexican drum off in his life. He's undefeated all time. He's beaten people all around the world. But this is your chance. Russell, take that microphone right there. Grab it for a second. Are you excited about this? How do you

feel? He's super excited. Do you say it into the microphone, you fuck? Very excited. How long have you been playing drums for? In the microphone. Eighth grade. Eighth grade. So how many years is that if you had to guess?

50 years. That's a long time. I don't know. 20 years maybe. 20 years playing the... He's still trying to get laid on this show. 20 years of experience playing the drums. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a Mexican drum off

and this is Russell Robertson here we go go Wow. Look at that. Pretty good. Pretty good. Real quick, I want to give a shout out to somebody I spot in the back of the room.

He was on the show years ago, and he's gone on to wild success. Make some noise for Drew Lynch way in the back of the room, everybody. America's Got Talent. Yeah, Drew. We love you, Drew. How's it going, buddy? We were just talking about you before tonight's show. I was telling Andrew about all the amazing people that we found before the big shows did,

and you came up. We love you. One more time for Drew Lynch. Now, Russell, I'm going to be honest with you. That was a pretty decent drum solo. Joel Bergel Jimenez takes this very seriously. Here, stand over there.

Stand right there. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, undefeated all-time in Mexican drum drum ops. He's fighting for his life. He takes it very, very seriously. I present to you Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Wow. Oh my goodness. He's got a blow up doll. He's got the purple dildo. He's got a blow-up doll. He's got the purple dildo. He's fucking a blow-up doll with a dildo. Oh my God.

Sorry, I had to bring his wife out with me. My bad. Wow. He's not fucking around. He said that he will die up here before he loses a Mexican drum off. This is Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. With the Purple Dildo. Wow. Wow. Go fuck yourself, you fucking idiot! Wow!

Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen! Oh my goodness! Oh, my goodness. Oh, he's doing the Spinaroonie with the purple dildo. Oh, my God. All right, we got to do it because the audience decides. How many of you have Russell Robertson winning that one? Wow.

Just some pure haters in the audience. How many of you have Joel Berg Joel Jimenez winning that huh That is as much fun As an episode gets everybody How loud can this place get for the great Andrew Schultz Wow So much fun Of course check out everything he does

If you're not already, but you probably are. Flagrant 2, the CrowdWorks special, all the amazing specials. Follow him on everything social media. Schultz, without a T, S-C-H-U-L-Z. So much fun. Thank you so fucking much. Love what you guys are doing out here, bro, for real.

Thank you guys, man. Really appreciate y'all coming out, man. Thank you. This is amazing. Tony, real quick. You're dismissed. Get the fuck out of here. There he goes, Russell Robertson, man. Really appreciate y'all coming out, man. Thank you. It's amazing. Tony, real quick. You're dismissed. Get the fuck out of here. There he goes, Russell Robertson, everybody.

He's on social media at the Robertson underscore CEO. Hey, look at the band leader, everyone. It's the one and only Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah, stand up on social media. New episode of Jeremiah Wonders is out. I mentioned your dates earlier. You're going to Kansas City, Chicago, and Detroit.

JeremiahWatkins.com plus the Big Gay Calendar. Anything else, Jeremiah? Yeah, check out the new episode with Fortune Feimster on Jeremiah Wonders and subscribe to my YouTube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins. There you go. We had an amazing male feminist here tonight. How about a hand for the great Jesse Johnson, everybody? How about a hand for the great Jesse Johnson Everybody

Jesse what's going on everything good Yeah I just did a bunch of shows in Vegas So shout out to the local Vegas scene for showing me some love Thank you And your social media is At Jetski Johnson Jetski J-E-T-S-K-I-J-O-H-N-S-O-N

All one word Check out this drawing from the great Ryan J-E-T-S-K-I-J-O-H-N-S-O-N all one word check out this drawing from the great Ryan J.E. Belt all of his prints are at ryanjebelt.com including tonight's you see this look at this fucking thing he does this while we're doing the episode he started with a blank piece of paper Kill Tony

the book available now ryanjebelt.com and on Amazon it's Amazon Prime ready to go for the holiday season for that Kill Tony fan in your life. And that's right, San Antonio, Houston, Calgary, Vancouver, Columbus, Pittsburgh, Cleveland this weekend. And before we end this thing, how about one more time for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, huh? Undefeated. The record is in position. He's on every episode of the show.

He's not going anywhere. Next week is, I must warn you, an extremely an extremely special episode, again, of Kill Tony. This is going to be what we're calling episode 420. So that's episode

420. So, yes, we're going to have a very, 420. So that's episode 420. So yes, we're going to have a very, very, very, another very special guest for that one as well. So be here. I can't even announce who it is. That's how crazy the guest is going to be.

So for those of you that come every week and all that, we love you so much. Thank you guys so much. Red Band, see you guys. Good night, everybody.秋は歌って踊ろう最悪は僕だけのいかないで ジュージュージュージュージュージュー 歌いで いながら たまに邪魔し

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