KILL TONY - KILL TONY #420

Episode Date: December 18, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 12/12/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack. Only at KUDO. Conditions apply. This is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the show.

And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live. We do Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store. And we have a bunch of new shows for the new year. So go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. Check out RyanJEbelt.com. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website, TonyHinchcliffe.com.

There he has his comedy tour dates and he's got some merch and a bunch of other stuff. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. And finally, ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We have the Kill Tony shirt, some Death Squad hats and mugs and stickers and patches. Go to ShopSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live

from Columbus, Ohio at the Newport Music Hall for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchlip. Columbus, Ohio! We're home, motherfuckers. Make some noise. The great Columbus' own Brian Redman We're home, motherfuckers. Make some noise. Yeah.

The great Columbus' own Brian Redman is here. Hey, guys. Holy shit. Holy shit. Wow. This is very exciting. We are back. It's been years. We're back in Columbus, Ohio, where it all sort of started.

Yep. Not exactly the Comedy Store, but one of our first road trips ever was here. We've done a lot of crazy shows here. You and I have done triple co-headlining shows. Me, you, Tom Segura before. Tiffany Haddish. Me, you, Tiffany Haddish. Yeah.

And we're back, and life is good. And this is exciting. We go to Pittsburgh in two days, Cleveland the night after that, Calgary, Canada at the end of January. In the middle of January, we're going back to San Antonio for Kill Tony and stand-up shows in Houston, Texas.

Two nights of Kill Tony's and stand-up shows. January 10th and 11th, San Antonio. The 9th, Calgary. The 23rd, stand-up shows on the 24th, 25th, and the return to Vancouver, our second time in a year. That is in February. Delicious caveman coffee keeps us awake and going through all these amazing shows. We have special posters that were printed by the great Ryan J. Ebelt

that we have here for sale after the show. The great Janice is out there slinging them. We have big gay calendars, the posters that we're willing to sign and take pictures with you and whatnot. And a bunch of other fun stuff. Exactly. This is very exciting. Three of my favorite things I'm going to tell you right now. Columbus, Buckeyes, and Donatos.

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we do have a band, ladies and gentlemen. We have a band. This is all of their first time in Columbus, Ohio. Joel has said today that he's never felt weather this cold in his life. This. Today. Today's day. It was like a warmer day. Today. A summer day in December here.

It's the coldest he's ever felt. He's a California kid, a true Mexican. Anyway, they're here. Every single episode, they're here every single episode. They commit to being different characters. We told them that this is a pretty special episode for us. We're both big-time Buckeyes. I spent some time here going to school being depressed,

desperately wanting, devising a plan to get the fuck out of here. This is where it all happened. This is where the seeds were planted, and here we are, a sold-out show at the oldest rock and roll club in the country we are in right now. I don't know if you guys know that. And there's nothing more rock and roll than the best damn band in the land. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Kill Tony Band, Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg Joel Jimenez. All of it.

Whoa! Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Two of the most famous characters in the show history, ladies and gentlemen, it is Salvador the Mariachi. And the one and only Jolina is here, everyone. What's up? Wow.

Holy shit. Salvador, how are you doing? Salvador, I always love to party. Hey. Welcome, Salvador. Is this your first time in Columbus, Ohio? Oh, yeah. Wow. You seem very excited about it.

Lots of white people here. And then there she is, the queen bee back here, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Jolina. How are you, Jolina? I'm doing all right, Tony. It's fucking cold out here, man. A bitch needs a fucking white guy to sleep with tonight. Keep me warm, eh? Oh, shit. Well, we might find one out of this amazing bucket of

destiny, everybody. This is it. I guess we call it the Buckeye of destiny. Buckeye, yeah. The Buckeye of destiny. A bunch of people, a lot more than I expected, signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage, get pulled out, get interviewed by me and this illustrious panel of Kill Tony crew members,

and we get through it. Maybe we find out more about you. Answer the questions that I ask you honestly. It will be better for you. It will be better for the show. Don't try to be wacky and hilarious during your answers. And there's only one way to get to the stage. It is right over there.

There's someone over there. There's perhaps some entrance that you guys can see. That might be the person with their phone over there or something like that. I don't know. Sort of a mystery. There it is. It's like a haunted house version of Kill Tony tonight.

Just sort of walk that way and guess, and then you're going to sort of find your way up here through that way. So, yeah, that's it. You guys ready to start this motherfucker? We're live way. So yeah, that's it. You guys ready to start this motherfucker? We're live. Oh yeah. That's right. How could I forget? You guys know how it works.

If I pull your name out, you get 60 seconds. You know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry short north bear. Very good. Or of course it could also be the Angry Wisconsin Badger. Huh? How about that shit?

It's a special one. I thought, yeah, I'm glad I changed it last minute. See, that was the right move. Yeah. I thought it'd be funnier if it was the Angry Wisconsin Badger because they're still angry about what happened to them the other day. Remember? Okay.

You guys don't really watch football. Good. That's good. You guys excited about this? All right, here we go. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Jesse Turner. Wow, Jesse Turner. Here we go. Let's see what happens here. And then we'll go full stage lighting for this part, RJ. And then we'll go full stage lighting for this part, RJ. Jesse Turner.

Oh, I think I see. The movement. Here we go. Yeah. Yeah. You got to help these people get over there. This place is dark as shit. So they're going to be right there, JR. So let's maybe go full stage light.

Yeah. Look at that. Okay. You got it. You got it. All right. Here we go. Hang on, Sloop A.

Sloop A, hang on. This guy's walking slow as fuck. H-I-O. One more time for Jesse Turner. So I come from a little inner city called Covington. You either know it because you're local or because of the whole Covington Catholic debacle where a bunch of white kids brutally beat a man in the streets, Nathan Phillips. But that's not where my sympathy lies is, Nathan Phillips. But that's not where my sympathy lies, is with Nathan Phillips.

It's with these kids. They gave my city a bad name. See, when I was a kid, for instance, my dad took me to his trap house where he worked and he there was a woman there and she was there to purchase crack and she didn't have money for crack so she figured she'd offer a blow job in return and uh fuck yeah uh one more time for Jesse Turner. Wow. There you go.

How's it going, buddy? How do you feel? Terrible. Why? Why do you feel terrible? That's your first time ever doing stand-up, right? For the love of God, please tell me it is. Yeah.

Thank goodness. Fuck yeah. You got a good look for it. You got a good look for showbiz. You look like Downsy John Travolta. This is... I always tell people I look like John Travolta's autistic brothers. I would say I'd go with my thing, Downsy John Travolta.

You got to say it like that. Tony, do both. Salvador, what do you think about this guy? I think he looks like a bully from Boy Meets World. I get Sean from Boy Meets World. I think this looks like hipster Quasimodo. Hipster Quasimodo. I don't get that one.

No, you don't get that one, do you? All right. So let's talk about it, Jesse. I mean, yeah, you seem like a likable guy. What else do you get? What else mean, yeah, you seem like a likable guy. What else do you get? What else do people tell you you look like? They ever tell you you look like a bigger lesbian than Greta Thunberg?

No, they don't. No? They don't tell you that? You do. You do. Thank you. He looks like the guy who gives little girls earpiece piercings at Claire's. Oh, shit. You have a lot of references.

I wouldn't guess that a mariachi would know. I haven't seen the belt thing in a long time. You have a really long belt, and it's like folded and tucked in. Look at that. Do you tie balloons to it? What's that for? I made it myself.

Hey, look at that Wow God damn Jesse You look like you're gonna join the band tonight Yeah Look at that You look like you have a giant beef jerky cock

Hanging out of your pants Look at that I made it myself You made that belt yourself? Yeah Wow you really are a hipster Quasimodo How do you make a belt? Is Wow, you really are a hipster, Quasimodo.

How do you make a belt? Is that what you do for a living? No, it's just a hobby. First you kill a cow. What do you do for work? I'm a realtor. A realtor? Really? Honest to God.

Honest to God. Before that, I was manufacturing flavors, and I had to get out. You were manufacturing flavors for what? Vape? No. Anything that you eat has flavor in it. Anything I eat? Even bananas?

No. If you've eaten a hot and spicy chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-A, that ingredient I made. You made that with what? In your bathtub? Like, how do you make these flavors? It's this company called Jividon, and it's the largest flavors producer in the world. And they let you just goof around with chemicals and shit? So like artificial flavors.

I goofed around. Wow, yeah. You have some head trauma in your past, huh? Took a little aluminum bat at some point. You were playing with the kids and you got a little too close. You were a catcher, right? Okay. I was a catcher.

He was a catcher. Thank you. See that? You thought I was going off on a bad tangent there. He was a catcher, right? Okay. I was a catcher. He was a catcher. Thank you. See that? You thought I was going off on a bad tangent there. He was a catcher in Little League. One time he got a little too close to home plate. They got aluminum bats. They swing the bat.

You get hit in the head. You get concussed. Next thing you know, you're making weird flavors. Wow. So now you're a realtor. What type of property are you responsible for? Trap houses. Residential. Yeah. Residential. All right. Okay. You a little bit stoned right now. Do you have an edible before this? I did. Yeah, you did. Yes, you did. You got those edible

energies, people. I had my whole minute planned out, and then I ate the edible, and I didn't. Yeah, you're running at fucking half speed right now, dude. Yeah, I am a real eater. Have you ever taken an edible before you show a house, and you get there, and you're like, so I guess this is a house. Salvador. Wow. What's something crazy about you that we'd be surprised to know, Jesse? Something about your life or the way you were

raised or maybe you have a wacky parents? You have two moms or something like that? Well, if I could have finished that joke, it was true. Okay, go ahead. So she doesn't have the money. No one wants the dicks. Remind us where we were in the joke.

There was a woman there to purchase crack, and she didn't have the money. From you? No, I was a kid. I was six years old. It was a dad-son. I was selling crack at four. Father Sunday, he has to make a stop at his trap house. Your father did.

My father did. Okay. And this woman is there to purchase. Talk right into the tip of that microphone. This woman is here to purchase crack. And she doesn't have the money, so instead she'd offer a blowjob. Nobody wants a blowjob from a crackhead. Speak for yourself.

So as she's walking away, one of my dad's friends said, but you could suck Zeus's dick. And then things started clicking in my head because Zeus was my dog. And, uh... And then what happened did you eat there was some back and forth and uh if you know crackhead she assumed position

and and zeus fucked her mouth and then in return fucked my idea of what the fuck sex was for a few years. This really happened? Honest to God. So you are with your dad. You're nine. He goes to sell crack to a crackhead. No, he's not selling crack. He's collecting money at a trap house where other people sell crack. Okay, right.

So, yeah, of course. He doesn't sell the crack. He's just getting money from the crackheads. Hey, hey. And your dog is with you? No, he's just at the trap house. Oh, he stays. Zeus stays at the trap house.

So, this lady, what, lays down on her back? No, she gets on all fours. On all fours. Zeus, get down. Zeus, get back. No, she gets on all fours. On all fours. Zeus, get down. Zeus, get back. Oh, good boy. That's the real doggy style. What?

That's the real doggy style. Wow. Hell yeah. This is fucking my goodness. So did the dog come in her mouth? I didn't make it that far. You didn't? You were already wiping your own cum off of yourself at that point?

No, I was processing the PTSD I would suffer later. Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah. My goodness. This is a wacky story, Red Band. What do you think about this? I feel like I'm on acid right now. Airborne edibles.

Yeah, this is the worst ASMR mixtape I've ever listened to. Yeah, this is the worst ASMR mixtape I've ever listened to. I've never seen this clip of Zeus getting his dick sucked in any of those Sarah McLachlan videos. You know what I mean? There should be a soundtrack to it. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Well, good for Zeus.

Is he still alive? Nah, he got ran over. He got ran over? Oh my God. That's no good. Well, he had a good life, you know what I mean? Getting his dick sucked by crackheads. I've never heard of that before. Only here.

This is great. This is our first person up out of Columbus, Ohio's bucket. I mean, what can we say? This is just a taste of what's to come here tonight. Oh, Lord. Jesse, you got the party started. Congratulations. Your first time ever on stage.

There he goes. I would suggest maybe Save the Edible as like a post-performance reward next time, maybe, Jesse. Maybe Save the Edible. If things go good, I'll treat myself to an edible. How about that? There he goes, Jesse Turner. All right.

That's fun. How many of you ate edibles before tonight's show? Okay, good. Not that many people. Good. All right. I'm digging deeper in this bucket. I'm really mixing names around here.

Change the energies a little bit. Doesn't get much slower than that. I know. Okay, this person wrote their name, full name. They printed it clearly. This person, I think, has their stuff a little bit more together. Perhaps has never seen a dog get their dick sucked before. Make some noise for your next comedian, Rob Cameron, everyone.

Here we go. All right, we. Here we go. All right, we're ready with it. What is that song? Four dead in Ohio. Hey. One more time for Rob Cameron, everybody. Hey, everyone.

My name is Rob Cameron. It's very nice to waste all of your time today. That's actually what I do as my job. I'm a corporate accountant for two reasons. One because in college it seemed like a nice stable job. The other reason is the suicide prevention hotline is extremely good at their job. And they, you know, every time I call in, I'm like, you know what, this is going to be the time. I'm going to get them. They're going to

say, you know what, Rob, you earned it. Go ahead. But they always have arguments against me. Like, for example, I was saying, okay, listen, listen, what about this one? What about this one? I think the state of the United States is horrible. Look at what's happening in our politics. And they said, because they know me by name now, they said, Rob, do you even know who your senator is? And I was like, shut up. The only people that know senators are old people and people with liberal arts degrees that write letters. Both of those people are way too gay for me. Sorry. And then I said, okay, what about this angle? What about this angle? What about this angle? I actually think that I'm very environmentally conscious,

and I think that if I were to pass away early, I'd stop doing all these things like driving cars and consuming cows and, like, I guess shit out a ton of natural gas or something like that. Wow, that's loud. Fuck yeah. One more time for Rob Cameron, everybody. Here he loud. Fuck yeah. One more time for Rob Cameron, everybody. Here he is. Fuck yeah. Look at you.

You big, adorable baby, huh? What a little cutie pie. You look like Blob the Builder. Oh, man. Tony, I've never seen a hard-boiled egg do comedy before. What is that? Are you stoned or are your eyes just that shut all the time? You know, it's just the natural.

You're a white Asian. Yeah, you know. Yeah. Está gordo. What? Yeah. Nada. Wow.

I studied Chinese in school, actually. They thought I was fucking with them. Would you study Chinese food? What, the menu? Yeah, yeah. What the fuck are we talking about here? You are adorable. My goodness.

What part of town do you live in? Italian village. Of course you do. Absolutely. Wow. You're born and raised here? Yeah. Yeah, very good.

And what do you do exactly again? I'm an accountant. An accountant. Fuck yeah. Big time markets right now. What type of accounting are we talking about? I audit people actually. Oh, look at you with that big smile on your face.

Fuck yeah. I got bad news for you. Fuck yeah. All right. You've been doing that a while? Yeah, over four years. Only four years. What's your love life like?

You seem like the kind of guy, it seems like you'd be a romantic type of guy, but then all of a sudden you get to that bedroom, you just fuck like an animal. Am I right? Actually, just like that bear sound. You know, that was it. Uh-huh. So, yeah. So tell me about your love life.

What are we talking about? You have a girlfriend right now? I do not. When's the last time you had sexual intercourse with another human being? Well, I mean, Zeus' dog doesn't count? What did I say before this show about answering fucking questions

honestly, Rob? I let the first one slide, you son of a bitch. Sound like the bear. Let's move on, Tony. Whoa! Come on. When's the last time you had sex? Two years. Two years ago.

Who was this with? Who's this with? Two years ago. Who'd you have sex with? It was a co-worker. Yeah? What's his name? No, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. What was... And this was an accountant as well? Yes. Fuck yeah. You guys got under the covers, started crunching numbers? Yeah. Heck yeah.

Is she a bigger lady too? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, you guys tend to stay in your own weight class sort of? It's always like a fight. Big people having sex, it's always like a fight. Got to be within like 20, 30 pounds or something like that.

Heck yeah. Was she a little bit smaller than you? Was it like a Ruiz Anthony Johnson situation? Like you're coming in? Alright, forget it. Little bit of an inside reference there. Boxing fans. You know about boxing, right? No. Do I look like a guy?

You seem like you'd be into some sports. You seem like you'd be into some sports you see you seem like a You seem like a Ryan day if every day was pizza day Okay, so you have any special sex maneuvers that you do in the bedroom man, you're just like really interesting Yeah, I know. I know who would have guessed that I know how to guide the show in the right direction I know. I know. Who would have guessed that I know how to guide the show in the right direction? No, I do not. You don't?

Yeah. You sure? Nothing ever has worked for you? You're like, ooh, she seems to really like this when I do this. Everything's worked just as equal. I guess that's the thing. Just as equal? Yeah. All right. Well, aren't you a little fucking cup of tea, huh? When you had sex two years ago, was it raw or with a condom? Good question.

Oh, oh, safe. You know, conservative. Yeah. Did you have sex once with this girl or did you? You said conservative Catholic? A couple of times. Well, OK. What it was is. Here we go.

I met this girl. Yeah. It was actually, you know, I met this girl, and it was at this training, actually. You know, we all fly in for training around different places, different cities. And it's always one of those weird things. It's like, hey, we're in town for a couple days, and you see people on a cabin. And, you know, so that's sort of the deal. I honestly didn't know her last name.

Wow. No, that's fine. What a. I honestly didn't know her last name. Wow. No, that's fine. What a gentleman. Good for you. Look at you. What a fucking little player, huh? Wow. What do you do for fun?

You have any hobbies or anything like that? Yeah. I play piano, actually. You play piano? Yeah. Wow, that's adorable. Look at you, little fucking. My goodness.

Yeah. Why, when he said he didn't learn her last name that got an applause break from this crowd? Yeah, yeah. These people are animals

in Columbus. They love to fuck here, Jeremiah. I'm warning you right now. You might end up getting something in your butt here tonight. Anything can happen here.

My goodness. You hear that? You hear these little fireflies out here chirping and fucking squirming around? This is a horny little city. Alright. So what the fuck was the last thing

after that that we went into? Oh yes. Piano. That was it. How about other than piano? What else is there? What else is there? Hobbies. Fun things. Things you like to do to let loose. This is a setup. I like to bake. There you go. What are some of your favorite

what's the most recent stuff that you baked? Anything over Thanksgiving? Yeah, well I made the whole Christmas cookie set recently. It'd be great if you said potatoes. What? Baked potatoes. Never mind. Alright. Hell yeah. My my goodness so baking is number two behind piano yeah i didn't realize you were a 12 year old girl this is very exciting

anything else what's the third biggest hobby uh i run uh i like to bike around you like to bicycle yeah really yeah what downhill I like to bike around. You like to bicycle? Yeah. Really? Yeah. What, downhill? Eventually, yeah. You just throw it on a fucking, get an Uber when you hit the bottom? Yeah. Hell yeah. Really? You're adorable.

So this was your first time doing stand-up, right? Yeah. Heck yeah. Is this something you've always wanted to do? I just like to see people laugh. Yeah, well, maybe next time. How old are you? 25.

25 years old. Look at you, you little young buckaroony. How cute. You went to school here at Ohio State? I did not. Where'd you go? I went to Cleveland, a small place called John Carroll University. Oh, yeah, the great John Carroll. We know about that. Yeah, absolutely. Very cool. What'd you go? I went to Cleveland, a small place called John Carroll University. Oh, yeah.

The great John Carroll. We know about that. Yeah, absolutely. Very cool. What made you go up there? Get away from your parents? Yeah. They weird?

What do your parents do? My parents, one runs nursing homes. And that was a school teacher. Ah. What's the school teacher teach? English. Nice. That's your mom?

Yeah. Very cool. English is my second language. Hell yeah. Well, I mean, Rob Cameron. Well, very fun stuff, dude. You think you're going to do it again, or is this just a one-time thing? I've been wanting to try again.

Yeah. Well, there you go. You should try. There's a place called The Funny Bone here in Columbus. And, you know, you'd probably fit in well there since you're big boned yourself. You know what I mean? All right. Well, there's a Wetzel's Pretzels right outside of it that you're going to love.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rob Cameron. There he is, Rob Cameron. Social media Rob Cameron, all one word. A lot of first timers so far. Two for two, popping cherries here in the center of it all. Beautiful High Street. Man, have things changed here. Yeah.

Wow. Is Bernie's Bagels still open, or did they tear that down? It's all corporate now. A lot of fucking just goddamn, there's a goddamn Target here on High Street now. What the fuck? I'm surprised the United Dairy Farmers is still there. That just rang a bell. I just swung over there. It's as fucking ghetto as ever.

Alright. Let's see what happens next. Make some noise for Luke Patalunas. Luke Patalunas is next on Kill Tony. Let's see what we got here. Someone coming? Where are those house lights there, RJ?

Hey, listen to that. What? Oh, H. Jesus. For Ohio One more time for Luke Padalunas Yeah Alright so Jesus Christ

my roommate likes boobs a lot so he decided to grow a pair and his dick is significantly smaller than the growths on his chest and he also likes to say the n-word a lot I once thought my lips were a blessing until my girlfriend compared

them to an albino black man at one of her family reunions. At that same family reunion, one of her aunts told me that I looked like a movie star and then later that night I found out that she has Alzheimer's so that was fun What? Wow. I have no idea what the fuck you guys are clapping for right now. Wow.

What do you have, early onset Alzheimer's? What are we talking? Who looks at their phone right from the get like that? You have no memory whatsoever? I'm sorry. I'm just freaking out right now. I bet you are. My goodness. You look like Pete and Pete Davidson.

Yeah. Never gotten to use that one before. He talks like Elon Musk. Have you? Yeah. If Elon Musk was sub-retarded. From Murfield. Oh, my God.

What happened to you? I don't know, man. I got called. I got called out of the bucket. That's what happened to me. What are you, the shyest guy on the planet? I don't know, man. I got called. I got called out of the bucket. That's what happened to me. What are you, the shyest guy on the planet? I'm terrified right now. Why are you so terrified?

Let's talk about it. So I'm in a band. You're in a band. I play drums. You play drums. Wow. Jesus Christ. This is a trap.

This is a trap, ladies and gentlemen. I don't like this. Let me tell you, you are so unfunny that I am frightened at how good you must be at drums. That's the thing. No, that's the thing. I'm always behind the drum set, so I've got something to hide behind. I'm never up in the front of the stage. How long have you been playing drums for?

Ten years. Ten years on the drums. What's the name of your band? Northbound. Northband? Northbound. Northband? Northbound. Northbound. Wow.

And you guys have been playing together for a few years? They played for, they started in like 2013, and I joined two and a half years ago. Oh my goodness. What kind of music? It's like electronic, electronic rock indie. Wow. It's a bunch of different things, yeah. And so you're a fan of this show?

You listen and watch Kill Tony sometimes? What what you watch the show sometimes this show i listen to it at work right you listen to it and you came here and you took a few notes down and you're like it doesn't matter the 60 seconds because i'm gonna go and i'm gonna take fucking joel's job from him yeah i rehearsed the entire way you what from cincinnati i rehearsed the entire car right here you were rehearsing and then you pulled your phone out first fucking thing yeah it all left me as soon as soon as i stepped on the stage you know what honestly i can relate to that i blanked out my first time ever on stage two and i prepared months for a three minute performance so i actually understand i didn't stare at my phone I decided to improvise and roll with it

and talk about it and live in the moment, but you're probably more of a drummer than a comedian. Yeah, yeah. I mean, we're in Columbus, Ohio. What can I say? We might as well have a Mexican drum off, shall we? I mean, what are we going to do? What are we going to do?

Put that in the mic stand. Get back there. I mean, what are we going to do that in the mic stand get back there i mean what are we gonna do here this is frightening honestly i'm scared for the show's stock right now let's face it we built this thing we built this segment on rock and roll and anything can happen you guys probably know how this works each person gets a drum solo. You can use the stage. You can do anything comedic. For the first time here tonight, if you decide to, Luke, you could do something funny.

Salvador. And, oh, shit, he's adjusting the drums and shit. I'm fucking scared right now. So if you guys decide that Luke is better than Joel, Luke becomes the new drummer of Kill Tony. That means that he goes to Pittsburgh with us the day after tomorrow. We're taking a day in Youngstown tomorrow off. And then Saturday we're in Pittsburgh, Sunday in Cleveland.

That means you have to fly to Los Angeles with us on Monday. If you win this, are you willing to fly back to L.A. with us? What do you do for work? Talk into that microphone, Luke. What do you do for a living? Architecture. Architecture. Wow.

I work at a firm in Hamilton, Ohio. You work at what? I work at a firm in Hamilton, Ohio. Oh, okay. All right. Well, Luke, I'm going to tell you something, dude. You have a chance at being the full-time drummer on this show. The bad news is that never in the history of this show

has Joel Jimenez lost a Mexican drum off. He's undefeated all time. Are you willing to take on the challenge? Ladies and gentlemen, this is a Mexican drum off. I present to you Luke Padalunas. Here we go. All right. I mean, is that it?

That's it? That's your best shit right there, professional drummer? All right. Okie dokie. Man, maybe you are a better comedian than a drummer. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, undefeated all time in this position, his first time ever in Columbus, Ohio. He knows that Red Band and I are from Ohio.

He knows that he's in the capital of Ohio. I showed him for the first time clips of the Ohio State Marching Band before this show. This is serious business. Are you ready for this? Then I present to you, defending his throne, the one and only Joel Joelbert Joel Jimenez. Oh, my God.

He's got the purple deal now. Oh, he took his wig off. Oh, shit. This is serious business. Jolina, how do you feel about this? I mean, fuck this guy, dude. All right. This ain't Jolina.

This is Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Wow. Joel has said he's willing to die on this stage before losing a Mexican drum off. Let's see what he's got tonight. The one and only Joel Bird. Joel Jimenez. Live from Columbus, Ohio. The middle finger.

The middle finger. Oh, here he comes. Wait, what is he doing? Oh! A backflip! Hitting the cymbal with his foot! Unbelievable! Complete domination!

Oh my god! Suck my dick, you idiot! He did a backflip off of his own bass drum, hitting the cymbal with his foot in the process. Oh, he's sucking himself off. He's sucking himself off. Oh, the purple dildo. Oh, a handspring.

Oh, the spinneroony. Oh, shit. Wow, Luke, is there anything? Kill yourself. Luke, is there anything you want to add to your drum off? Do we even have to ask the audience? How many of you have Luke winning this thing? Luke Padalunas.

Wow, look at that. Some people are actually clapping. There's some YouTube commenters in the room here live tonight. This is exciting to see them in the flesh. How many of you have Joel Bert Joel Jimenez winning this thing? Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Luke Padalunas, get the fuck off this stage. Go southbound. There he goes. And I'm funnier than you, bitch. Wow. I was expecting Luke to be so much better at the drums than what he was. That was incredible. Guys, if you're going to challenge Joel Berg, make sure you can do better than that.

You've seen the videos. I was scared when the first word he said was electronic. I got concerned there. It takes, obviously, some courage. How about one more time for Luke Padalunas? He signed up. He gave it a shot. He knows what he's doing. That was more for the people

than for himself. Oh, he killed himself. Luke just killed himself. Somebody send me a fucking drink. Oh, look at that. Wow, geez. We might see... What's his name?

Bill Billingsley. Thank you, sir. Fuck yeah. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Your next comedian goes by the name of Samson Sheet. Samson Sheet. Whole state of Michigan. Whole state of Michigan.

Whole state of Michigan. I don't give a damn for the whole state of Michigan. We're from Ohio. From Ohio. We're from Ohio. We don't give a damn for the whole state of Michigan. We're from Ohio. One more time for Samson Sheet. Thank you.

I know what you're thinking. I got like a tech guy face. I don't work in tech. I work in construction. They got a lot of nicknames for me at the job site, like Bluetooth Sammy, the guy who wears a belt, and my favorite one is Faggot.

I just wear gloves, you know, to protect my hands. I hooked up with a girl recently and we had sex with the lights off because, you know, I got titties. And I turned the lights on and she was like, oh, what's with all those bumps on you? I was like, oh, I got herpes. I don't have herpes, I just got bedbugs.

But how the fuck? She's already in my bed, you know what I'm saying? Like, bedbugs are not easy to... Like, Valtrex, that solves herpes. But, like, bedbugs, like, I'm on my third mattress now. It's a big problem. Alright, guys, thank you. 56 seconds from Samson Sheet.

Fuck yeah. Welcome, welcome. Welcome to the show. Is this your first time doing stand-up? Nah. No. How long have you been doing it? Started in April.

Started in April. Fuck yeah. You write notes? Holy shit. What? You're writing notes, dude. My bad. I'm fucking it up.

You're good, dog. I wrote down April. I know. That writing notes, dude. My bad. I'm fucking it up. You're good, dog. I wrote down April. I know. That's when you started. My bad, dude. Is that weird to you? No, I just like, I never thought you wrote notes down. I thought you were just out here like freestyling it or whatever.

I'm still freestyling. I just take notes so that I remember some things that the people said so that in the middle of other things, I can look down at my notes and keep fre's probably a good idea dude my bad what happens to you what do you think happens when someone takes a note down that it just writes itself no because like i'll be watching the show and people will be like oh i work in like tech and then you'll be like oh so what are you working again yeah once out of every fucking 30 35 comedians i'll forget an answer that they said and everybody loses their fucking minds because I'm so goddamn perfect that once I make

a mistake people can't fucking wait to jump on me about it so yeah I started taking fucking notes so that fucking haters like you I'm not a hater dude God bless I love it this is phenomenal I love it too you are one of the best looking Indian women I've ever seen

yo I made that joke like two weeks ago because I saw an Indian lesbian. Fuck yeah. There you go. Well, looks like you should have done it here tonight. All right. It's cool. Do you really have bed bugs? Nah, it's just a joke.

Right. We don't know what's real and what's not. It looks pretty believable from our angle. Yeah. So, Samson, you started this in April. Here we are in the month of December, all here in Columbus, Ohio, right? I went out of town like a couple times. Yeah.

What part of town do you live in here? Like right outside of Reynoldsburg. What was that? Like the east side of Columbus. East side. You look like you live on the east side of Columbus. East side. Where all the immigrants are. You look like you live on the east side. Absolutely.

Yeah, that's pretty accurate. Right. And your name is Samson Sheet. It's pronounced She-tay, but I don't correct people. Is that a K? Oh, it's a S-H-E-K-E. Oh, wait. Did I write K?

It's a T. My bad, dog. No, it looks like a T. That's why I said Sheet. Yeah, but it's pronounced She-tay. Where the fuck does that K come from? I write K? It's a T, my bad, dog. No, it looks like a T. That's why I said sheet. Yeah, but it's pronounced shit-ay. Where the fuck does that K come from? What's K? Shit-ay?

No, shit-ay. T. Shit-ay. Like shitty, but different. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Just like that.

That was him? Yeah. That's the joke I was eventually going to get to, but he kept saying shit-ay. I've been getting that joke a long time. My high school principal called me Samson Shit. Right. No, of course. I believe that completely.

And what do you do for work? Construction. Construction. How long have you been doing that? Like four and a half years. Four and a half years. What exactly do you do with construction? Like general contracting, management.

Have you built anything that we might recognize out here? Did you build the Chick-fil-A? No, we don't build Chick-fil-A. We're doing an apartment complex right now. Okay. What's your love life like? Pretty weird. Yeah?

Tell us about it. I've had a recent fetish now for lesbians. Yeah? Yeah. Wow, that's crazy. So your fetish for lesbians, are you talking about, like, hooking up with lesbians? Do you like turning lesbians? Nah, I like try.

It doesn't work out. Has it ever worked? Nah. Right. So you basically just jerk off to lesbian porn is what you're saying. Lesbian porn's not the same. Let's check in with Salvador here. So like this fetish, do you just go to, like, gay weddings and you're like, Lesbian porn's not the same. Listen, like, let's check in with Salvador here. So, like, this fetish, do you just go to, like, gay weddings

and you're like, this is beautiful? Nah, I just, like, look at him and be like, hey, what's up? That's it. Like, look at him doing what? I don't know. I'd just be like, oh, she's a lesbian. Let me go talk to her. Like, that's it. So you just creep on lesbians in public places? What is...

Who's some of your favorite lesbians in public places? Who's some of your favorite lesbians? Do you like that Greta Thunberg girl or whatever? I think she's 12, so no. That's an interesting one. So, Samson, what exactly have you done with a real lesbian? Have you hit on one before in person? Yeah.

So how does that go down that usually goes with like uh like me talking to them initially and they're like oh this like for example the last time you did this where did it happen at you're at a bar yeah we're at a bar gay bar no kind of uh-huh it wasn't like gay gay but it was like where gays hung out you know what i mean like a gay bar no like there's gay bars where they're like they got the gay pride flag this was like where gays hung out. You know what I mean? Like a gay bar. Nah, like there's gay bars where they got the gay pride flag. This is like one of those bars where gay people go because it's like a dive bar kind of. So the flag is what makes you decide

whether you're going in or not. Nah, like... Nah. Nah. Nah. Salvador. Why do I feel like this guy has gotten his dick sucked by another guy and he's like, but it's not gay because he said it was cool. Yeah.

It wasn't gay at all. There was no flag, no gay. That's right. Heck yeah. No flag, no gay. If there's no rainbow, go blow. Okay. So you're at a gay bar you see a lesbian she's

talking with other girls right uh yeah like a group of them right and then you go up and what do you do i was like i kind of like peripherally knew the person uh-huh oh like not act like i knew of them and i was like hey what's? And then we started talking, and she was drinking, like, a raspberry-looking drink. So I tried to, like, make a joke about that. That's a favorite of lesbians. Yeah. Wait, how does something look raspberry? Yeah.

It was, like, red, but it wasn't, like, dark red. That could be cherry. Like, cranberry vodka. I don't know. Sure. So you go up to her, you say, what's up, and then what? And then, like, I hit what's up, and then what? And then, like, I hit this, like, wall when I – it happens all the time when I'm like, okay, I'm going to hit on this girl.

And then they just, like, take it as if it's a joke because they're a lesbian, you know? I feel like straight women would laugh at you like this as well, though. Yeah. Yeah, probably. You go up to girls, you're like, do you like my top knot? And they're like, you look more like a bottom knot. I feel like you hit on lesbians just because it makes

the rejection easier to rationalize. Probably. What ethnicity are you? What a fail-safe idea. What ethnicity are you? I'm Ethiopian. Ethiopian, wow. There it is. That's why you like lesbians,

because Ethiopians and lesbians will both eat anything. Whoa. All right. What do your Ethiopian parents do? Nurse and... Taxi driver. No. No?

No. What is it? A construction company owner. Wow, really? Yeah. Goodness. Look at the powerful white guy laughing in the back. Ethiopian construction.

Wow. Do you work for your dad's company? Yeah. It's all becoming so clear now. Is your dad a tough boss? Yeah. No, not really. What?

It's not like... Hold on, Jesus. Is God coming into the show right now? Can we ease up on that light a little bit, RJ? I feel like it's so hot. There you go. That's great. Yeah, very good.

I feel like you keep warming us up like this. This Ethiopian guy is going to try to eat us. My goodness gracious. Ethiopian food is actually amazing. There's a huge stereotype that I learned growing up in youngstown that ethiopians never have food they don't ever get to eat they're always starving and then i moved to la and i'm right next to little ethiopia and it's the strip of the most amazing food it's incredible you eat a lot of ethiopian food yeah uh-huh very good hell yeah you. You own a mirror? What's up?

Do you have a mirror in your place? I don't use it. You don't use it? I mean, there's not much I can do at this point. There's a part of this show that makes me wish we had an extreme makeover button that we could hit. I feel like we could clean you up real good. Yeah. We'd have you hooking up with a lesbian by the end of the night if we could fix it. That would be cool.

And then, like, the end of the show, we have the reveal. Yeah, the big reveal. Maybe get liposuction. It's not going to improve much. Do you ever put your hair down, or you just keep it up like that? I put it down sometimes, yeah. I'm not doing it. No, don't do it right now.

Don't do it right now. No, I completely disagree with you guys. Last thing we need is 30 bedbugs on this stage. All right, Samson. You've started in April. You're our most experienced comedian so far tonight in the show. You had the best set so far simply because this crowd wanted to hear the word faggot really badly. But so far, you're out front. Congratulations

Samson. Samson Sheet everyone. Sheetay. There he goes. I-O We don't give a damn for the whole state of Michigan. We're from Ohio. Oh wow. Okay. Here we

go. How about a hand for the band, everybody? They learned all of this just for you. They're not playing these songs in Pittsburgh in two days. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Halima Abshir. Halima Abshir. Oh, here we go. I'm excited about this. Hey.

Hey. I wish that you would step back from that ledge, my friend. I wish you would step. I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Here we go. Halima Abshir. I don't like people that wear blackface. Not for any moral reasons.

I don't have those. I just think that they're try-hards. Like, people who are black-faced are like that one kid who'd ask for extra homework. Like, why can't you just go outside and just yell, you fucking mix! Like, just yell it. Or

throw a Molotov cocktail. I have a lot of things in common with Hitler. He's a Taurus. I'm also a Taurus. He's never been to a concentration camp. Neither have I. Hitler wrote a classic book, Mein Kampf.

I'd like to write my own iteration of it. I'd call it Mein, Mein Kampf. Mein Kampf. I'd like to write my own iteration of it. I'd call it Mein Mein Kampf. 55 seconds of Halima Abshir. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. What a sweet little thing you are, huh? Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing

stand-up? Since April. Wow, you started in April with your, what, Ethiopian boyfriend, huh? What are we talking about here? I'm actually Somali, so yeah, I guess. You're actually what? I'm actually Somali. Somalian? Oh, wow. My goodness. Wow. Look at that. I'm Tamalian.

Looks like you are the captain now. That deserves all the claps. What was it? She said she's Somalian. I'm Tamalian. Tamalian. Yes. Very good.

All right. Fuck! I think it got what it deserved the first time. So Somalian, very cool. And you started in April. That's just a coincidence. You don't know Samson oh I know okay yeah you do know

him heck yeah are you one of the lesbians that won't fuck him no he might have tried I don't know I'm bi so I'm not sure you're bi so I'm halfway there heck yeah wow look at you. Absolutely.

My goodness. You have a preference between the two? Oh, yeah. Dudes. Dudes. Very good. Hell yeah. So that's fun.

And how old are you? 20. 20. Wow. Aren't you precious? Wait, what? What did I do? What did I do? What did I do?

What did I do? Okay, so you're 20 years old. You're from here in Columbus, Ohio, born and raised? Yep. Awesome. And you're Somalian. What do you do for work? I'm a student.

Yeah, what are you studying? OSU. I'm a neuroscience major. What was that? Neuroscience major. Neuroscience. OSU. I'm a neuroscience major. What was that? Neuroscience.

Neuroscience. Is there any chance we could adjust the monitor for that specific microphone? I'm just having a little bit of trouble with the comedian mic. Or all the microphones. Yeah, perhaps all of them. Perhaps we could blast that one or that one. It's going to help me out a lot. So, you're 20,

you're Somalian, and you're studying neuroscience. Neuroscience. Neuroscience. Wow. That's not easy. Here at The Ohio State University? Wow. Look at you.

My goodness. Very impressive. Maybe you could tell us what's wrong with some of the comedians that went on before you. Yeah. What's wrong with their brains? Probably just say that they're retarded. Hey, I love that. Yeah. What's wrong with their brains? Probably just say that they're retarded. Hey, I love that. Absolutely.

That's a real fucking twist-a-roonie right there. I like that. That is so cool. Have your parents ever seen you perform stand-up? Nope. You want them to? Never. Never? Never. What about one day like if you're famous and super successful, then you'll let them in, right no why is that no you close you're not close with them i am i just don't like

them seeing me do stand-up right yeah they're they're very proper people yeah right what do they do uh my mom was an esl teacher and my dad owns a medical transportation company. Oh. Yeah. Oh. What's your mom do? She used to do ESL. She died.

English as a second language. Yeah. Oh. That's. Okay. Very good. Yeah. She passed away.

Yeah. How long ago was that? Two years ago. Oh my goodness. I'm sorry to hear that. It's cool. I don't know if it's cool, but you're good with it now. It's one less parent to disappoint.

Hey, you're funny, dude. You're funny, Halima. I like your style. You're a badass motherfucker. What do you like to do for fun? I've been doing stand-up comedy often. I play the harmonica. You play the harmonica?

You don't have one with you do you i i barely could like i can't really blow into the holes just right so it's why can't you blow into the holes just i don't know i don't feel like doing the lessons and i try to follow the youtube videos but i only try like once you don't have one on you do you what you don't have a harmonica on you do you no no no yeah does any white trash person have a harmonica on you, do you? No. No. Yeah. Does any white trash person have a harmonica in here? How about other than harmonicas? What else do you do to let loose? Does one of the retards that went earlier have a kazoo or anything? I listen to a lot of music.

Listen to a lot of music. Lizzo? No. No. No. She looks like Dollar Store Lizzo. I really do. Not like Goodwill Lizzo, but okay.

Yeah, a lot of indie, the 1975 Rex Orange County, Frank Ocean. Fuck yeah, absolutely. Super cool. So how much longer do you have of college to go? Like a year and a half.

A year and a half. And then what are you going to do? What's the plan? Going to move to New York, I think. And, yeah, just be poor over there. Maybe die. I'm not really sure. How's the comedy scene out here?

You say you've been going up. Like back in the day, it used to be just the Funny Bone had a mic. Yeah, they don't really support local comedy anymore. So it's just, yeah, just bars around town. Yeah. So bars have Yeah, just along High Street. Most of them are

around here, so we just go to them most weekdays. That's great. They never used to have that around here. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Most of them are around here, so we just go to them most weekdays. That's great. They never used to have that around here. Yeah, it's pretty cool. It's pretty cool, though. Are there any other crazy fun facts about you that we should know about? Anything from your life or history or the way you were raised? Well, I was raised in a Muslim household.

Say that again? I was raised in a Muslim household, but I'm an atheist now. Oh, so what was that like? Now I know why you don't want your dad to see you do stand-up comedy yeah because he'll fucking kill you maybe maybe or just send me to somalia i'm not really sure wow is that really an option have you ever been to somalia uh no never have actually right good good good yeah i don't want to. Yeah. Yeah. What are you thinking over there, Salvador? I don't.

You were talking about blackface, right? Yeah. You look like the little kid from Bad Santa in blackface. Oh, God. Oh, my goodness. Why would you do that to her? Right. Why would you say that?

Este chiste. Este chiste. Salvador. Salvador. We don't do that here in America. Don't mind my friend. He's from Mexico. He has a wacky sense of humor. My goodness.

Halima, you are so awesome. I'm so glad that you signed up for tonight's show. People like you are exactly what I love finding on these crazy road shows where all of a sudden you find someone with a brilliant mind, 20 years old, you're finishing up school, you're doing the right thing. And in a year and a half, you keep doing standup because you love to do standup, right? Yeah. It's the first thing you said when I asked you what you love to do and what brings you enjoyment. And

so I'm looking forward to seeing you definitely down the road. And what do you say when you turn 21, why don't you swing by the Comedy Store out in Los Angeles and we'll throw you up at some point. How about that? There you go. Halima Abshir,

everyone. By far the best comedian of the night so far. It's funny. You got to see two people that started in April. One of them with a with a active brain.

And then there was Samson before her. They just turned on the side speakers. That's beautiful. That's great. No, I know. They're making those adjustments for us so we can hear. Believe it or not, it's harder to hear up here than it is down there.

Yeah, it just sounds like echoes up here. Crazy show business stuff you guys would never understand. This is so cool. I can't believe we're on High Street right now doing a show. So surreal. I mean, it's just so surreal. Did you ever see a concert here? I've seen everything. All my first concerts were here in Columbus, Ohio.

I mean, Hootie and the Blowfish, no doubt. I mean, this was, you know, this is everything. I used to live on Polaris Parkway, and I would go to the Polaris Amphitheater before they changed it to what? The Gemini or something like that? It doesn't exist anymore? They tore it down.

That's so sad. I used to work at the Ruth's Chris Steakhouse at 270 and Crossroads. Okay, nobody cares. Keep it moving along. Put your hands together for Henny Kennegar, everybody. Henny Kennegar. Henny Kennegar.

Is that Ruth's Chris Steakhouse still there at 270 and Crossroads? Is anything the same as it was 15 years ago? Everything's different? They changed everything everywhere. Just United Dairy Farmers. Adriatico's, my favorite pizza place. I actually prefer that over Donato's. Need Donato's sometimes, but Adriatico's is my must-get.

That's what we're eating after this. Put your hands together for Henny Kennegar, everybody. Tony, my man. First thing, fuck Michigan. Just had to say it right off the bat. So I was walking around High Street, and I saw this homeless man. Not really too rare of a sight down here, honestly. And he had a sign that said, this is the end.

And reading that, I didn't think this is the end of the world, but I thought this is the end of my comedy career right here on this stage. Started tonight, and it's probably going to end tonight as well. Yeah, not really funny. Yeah, I didn't really have anything prepared. Tony's my main guy. I saw him here with Joe Rogan

last year. Great show. Is that it, Henny? Are you giving up? That's all I got. 30 seconds in. You didn't prepare. Why would you sign up if you didn't prepare? I had three finals today, so. Three finals. Do you go to Ohio State?

I do. What are you studying? Civil engineering. Civil engineering. How much longer do you have of school? A year and a half. Is there anything interesting about you that makes you different than anybody else that's ever been on the show that we need to know about?

You have two plain-ass white parents that live in the suburbs of columbus uh i'm actually a farm boy uh live in northeast ohio that's exactly wait what part of northeast ohio chippewa wow yeah yeah that's what i pictured the suburbs yeah for sure uh yeah you didn't prepare anything i appreciate you telling me that I was good at the nationwide arena I did 30 minutes of my own stand up comedy there I mean I know it was good because it was fucking awesome I didn't need you I wasn't

like oh I'm gonna wait a couple years and see if Henny Kennegar tells me if it was good it's a stage name by the way but I appreciate the compliments and next time prepare do you know or don't sign up right man, by the way. But I appreciate the compliments, and next time, prepare. Or don't sign up. Right. Finals isn't gonna save

you. You can't do stand-up and go, I had finals today. Thank you. Good night. You know, it just doesn't work. One more time for Henny Kennegar. There he goes, everybody. You know what? Boo this man. Yeah, fuck boo. Sign up for the fucking show, Henny Kennegar. God damn it. I'm gonna root for the fucking show, Henny Kaniger.

God damn it. I'm going to root for Michigan next year just because you did that. Just kidding. I'm not, guys. All right. Jacob Nichos. Come on. Let's do this.

Jacob Nichos or Nichos. Jacob. Jacob, are you out there? We got movement. Here we go. Here comes Jacob Nichos. Jacob. Jacob, are you out there? We got movement. Here we go. Here comes Jacob nichos. One more time for Jacob, everybody. It's Nichols, but I appreciate it.

So, recently just found out I was an addict. A sex addict, to be exact. You know, it's getting kind of expensive anymore. You've got to take a girl out, buy her dinner, you know, or get an escort. And, you know, what if the date doesn't work out? You're out $100, you know, and you might not get lucky.

And, man, I'm dying up here. Oh, my God. I actually had more prepared than that, but anyways, the only reason I say undiagnosed sex addict is because my financial advisor was the one that told me I have an issue. That's it. Okay, Jacob, how many finals did you have today? How many what?

How many finals did you have today? Viny what? How many finals did you have today? Vinyls? Nothing. Forget it. First time doing stand-up, right? Of course. Right. And you're from here in Columbus, right? I was born and raised in North Canton, Ohio and I actually live in Denver, so I came out here for the show. Wow. Alright. Okay.

And you're finishing school here is what you're saying? Nope. Finishing... I came home for like an early Christmas. Oh, came home for early Christmas. Beat the holiday rush. Right. So you're going back up to North Canton. Yeah.

Right. Okay, cool. And you listen to the show. Every week. And you prepared for this. I did. But you sort of just forgot what you were going to talk about. Well, I came up here to do a different bit and then realized that it would probably be

longer than a minute, so I tried to go with another one that I didn't prepare. Right. So that's probably where I fucked up. So let's talk about you being an undiagnosed sex addict for a second. Is this true? You really buy prostitutes? Yeah, I did. I did have a problem. And you do that where you live in Denver? Yeah. Right. And how many prostitutes are we talking about here?

Oh, prostitutes? No, just sex addicts. Oh, just a regular sex addict. So just different girls or the same girl or what are we talking about?? Oh, no, just sex addict. Oh, just a regular sex addict. So just different girls or the same girl or what are we talking about? A little bit of both. A little bit of both. And how much sex are we talking about? Like what type of appetite for sex do you have? This is interesting.

Probably like twice a day. Twice a day. Same girl, though, you're sticking with. Oh, sometimes, yeah. Right. And when you say twice a day does that mean like two nut bustings or like you you just keep fucking and you keep coming like that that type of the second one yeah so you'll come and you'll just slide it right back in and you'll just keep going

or you just come and keep going yeah so you use a condom or no condom condom so you'll come in the condom but you just won't stop fucking you'll just just keep going. No, I put a new one on. You take a break. Right. So you'll just take that immediately? Yeah, pretty close, yeah. Wow. That is interesting stuff. What a bragger. Heck yeah. I mean. How old are you? Like 17?

What the fuck? 29. Just turned 29, yep. That's interesting. I mean, I sort of, I sort of, I sort of get that. I sort of see where you're coming from there. That's an interesting thing that we never really talk about on this show is sex addiction. Yeah. That is something.

Stebo is a sex addict, and he has somebody follow him around when he's on the road just to cock block him so he won't have sex. A lot. around when he's on the road just to cock block him so he won't have sex a lot and i mean a lot of your favorite comedians are extreme sex addicts i cannot explain to you yeah how much comedians love to fuck it is incredible i mean i was a lot of people know i was addicted to boner pills and that was like a real thing like those gas station boner pills every day. Heck yeah. And he wouldn't even have sex. He would just walk around with a boner.

I'd just go to massage parlors just to look at their face. You would be shocked to know what comedians are sex addicts and which ones aren't. And even non-comedians are sex addicts. People that will never, ever do stand-up again are even sex addicts. So what's like the craziest sex adventure you've ever had? You ever have sex with multiple girls on the same day? No. No.

That goes against my morals. What? That goes against my morals. Why does that go against your morals? I mean, why would I want to hurt somebody like that? Why would you? Who says that they're hurt? Because you're addicted.

Who says that they're hurt? I mean, I guess I want to hurt somebody like that? Why would you, who says that? Because you're addicted. Who says that they're hurt? I mean, I guess if they didn't know about it, but. Yeah, well, why would you tell them? Maybe it hurts my self-esteem. Wow. Why would that hurt your self-esteem? Because I care about other people. Oh my god.

Look at you. This guy. Not only does this guy love pussy, he is one wow my goodness you are what you eat damn straight goddamn with some of your favorite things sexually to do anything crazy you like to choke yourself or anything like that no i love to eat pussy really what's the longest you've ever eaten a pussy for oh man uh i go by orgasms i guess sure any of the above or time frame or anything 12 in a row for them do you get prune face or like homer face yeah it gets raw your lips get raw so like time wise how long did it take for you to give that

girl 12 orgasms couple hours couple hours you just stayed down there you just i mean definitely like gave him a break for a second you gave him a break for a second. You gave him a break for a second. They get sore too. You eat ass too? I have. Yeah, you have. For sure. You just did it for 35 seconds on stage. Part of learning. My goodness. Jolena, what do you think about this?

I gotta know how big his dick is. That's a good question. Not as big as yours, Joel. Alright, that's all I wanted to hear. How about a ballpark of how big yours is? What are we talking about? Seven, eight inches. Seven, eight inches.

Heck yeah, that's five inches. For those of you wondering, that's five inches on the men's exchange rate. We always add two or three inches. There's an exchange rate with dicks. It's true. It's just like pesos. Wow. My goodness.

Anything else interesting about you other than the fact that you're a sex addict, Jacob? Recovered sex addict, but no. I'm boring. So you've never got an escort before or a handjob at a massage parlor or anything like that? Maybe. Wow. Oh, maybe. That's always a fun answer during an interview.

So you have yes uh both or just the hand job part escort wow how'd you do it like craigslist style or no how'd you do it reference you got someone referred you to a prostitute like hey you gotta call this chick pretty much wow and then what happened i called that chick and then what happened i set up the date uh-huh and then what happened i'm gonna you could just pretend like i keep saying and then what happened why do you get these pussified fucking dog shit i mean if if you've ever ordered an escort i haven't it's one thing that i haven't done so i'm excited to hear about this. I would be nervous.

Honestly, there's been times where, like, where's the place where it's legal? Not Vegas, but, like, somewhere weird, like Toronto or somewhere. Like six or seven years ago, I thought about it for a second. There's somewhere weird out there. Nah, there's somewhere weird out there. It wasn't Sydney. Anyway, it doesn't matter, but I thought about it for a second, and then I ended up just, of course, jerking off to porn because why wouldn't you?

Fucking Wi-Fi is blaring at these hotels. Anyway, but I thought about it. And then I'm like, I just could never. It's just not my thing. It seems uncomfortable to actually do it. Anytime I ever bring up a massage, you're always like, did you get a happy ending? I'm like, no, I want a real fucking massage. Like I want a strong, I want an ugly, strong, fat woman to walk on my back and fucking get every i've got a i build up a lot of shit in there like i'm not interested in any of that so it really

intrigues me to think like oh man this is gonna be some dirty fucking bitch coming over right now this is exciting and nerve-wracking did you go to their place or did they come to your place my place wow yeah dude you go to is that a thing? You can go to the hooker's place? Yeah, it's called in-call or out-call. How do I know this? Oh, my God. See, Red Band knows. You go to hooker's places sometimes? No, I've never done this.

Go through the drive-thru? No, I've only done massage parlors with boner pills. I was on the road for work, was going through a dry spell. My buddy was like, hey, hit her up. To set price. she went to your apartment house house you have a house yes you own a house i'm a business owner yeah what kind of business do you own painless dent repair what is it paintless dent repair i fix hail damage on vehicles

oh cool wow there's a lot of that wow, seriously. My goodness. So you own a house in beautiful Denver, Colorado? No. I rent there. I just sold my house in Indianapolis. Oh, okay. All right, cool. Well, we're not really getting anywhere with this, Jacob. Told you I was boring.

All right. You were right. Jacob Nichos, everybody. Nichols. Nichols. All right. Jacob Nichols. I don't know why he would want his proper name put out after this interview, but Jacob Nichols Alright, Jacob Nichols I don't know why he would want his proper name

put out after this interview but Jacob Nichols That would be hilarious to watch your first escort I could see you being nervous them coming over I'm just not into it I think a part of the enjoyment of the whole thing

is knowing that the person's into you You don't like strip clubs either, though. Have you ever liked strip clubs? I hate strip clubs. It sounds gay, but I love women. But I hate strip clubs, and the thought of prostitutes freaks me out. I'd much rather hook up with some

dirty, fucking sloppy idiot. Well, if you go to Siren's strip club, you get both prostitutes and strippers at the same place. Wow. Look at that. Look at all the other fat guys going crazy in the room. The place goes nuts.

Just sloppy fat guys. Rojo band. People drink. Got dudes drinking White Claw out there, losing their minds. White Claw's great. All right. Make some noise for Eric Ford, everybody. Here we go.

Eric Ford. Let we go Eric Ford Let's keep it moving along My goodness gracious You guys having fun out there? Oh fuck yeah Here we go Party's getting started Eric Ford everybody let's go

Make some noise Alright Alright so Party's getting started. Eric Ford, everybody. Let's go. Make some noise. All right. All right. So I'm a truck driver. There's a lot of time to kill behind the wheel. Recently, I created this new game. I tried to jack off to completion and not drop below 65 miles an hour. It's my own shitty version of speed.

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. I got married a year ago, if you can believe that. And I've been on this five-year plan with my wife. I've been feeding her a bunch of candy. I've been getting her to smoke cigarettes. I even get her to fight occasionally. I'm trying to fuck up those teeth. I'm not waiting 40 years for toothless BJs. Fuck that. Fuck yeah. Eric Ford, ladies and gentlemen.

How's it going, buddy? Thanks. Fuck yeah. Wow. That's great fun. Hell yeah. Eric Ford, welcome, welcome. How old are you? 31.

31 years old. Look at that baby face that you have for a 31-year-old. Look at that. I enjoy it. Opposite of whatever a baby body is. Salvador. Baby fat. He looks like one of the little kids from the movie Heavyweights grown up.

Yeah. He looks like Wreck-It Ralphie May. Ralphie. My goodness. Look at you. You're a big boy. So a truck driver, huh? Yep, of course.

My goodness. 18 wheelers? Yeah. Yeah. I haul fresh milk. Fresh milk? Yeah. From farms and areas.

Oh, my God. Does it come out of your udders? It looks like he drives a Big Mac truck. A Big Mac truck. Good Salvador. You know, these two guys have this thing that they do the honking the horn thing. Oh, dude, we love that. Fuck yeah, you do.

You gotta keep that shit alive. So do we. It makes my day. I know. It makes ours, too. Truck drivers love it absolutely some people don't do it though some people just give you the stink eye like yeah but those people are usually they're like you never know who's like on a phone call there's always a lot of

weird shit going on in a truck that we don't know about right they could be masturbating yeah yeah what most rumors are true they could be masturb. There you go. You ever get a lizard? No. No. It's dangerous, dude. I don't want to die. Why? Clearly, you can tell by the way he's shaped.

He's afraid of dying. This is a guy that lives every day in fear of doing something unhealthy. So, Eric, let's talk about it. How long have you been driving trucks for? Five years. about it. How long have you been driving trucks for? Five years. Five years. How long have you been with your wife? Five years.

Five years. So what's the connection there? Everything just kind of fell into place. I hit 25 years old, and, you know, like, my shit was fucked up. I didn't have anything going for me, and then I just fell on the right path, kind of, you know. I love it. Just got my shit together.

I love it. I love it. What was going on at 25? What were the lows that you're talking about, other than your blood pressure? What were the... I think that'd be high, but... No, I know. I know.

It still works, though. My dad was an alcoholic, and he ended up, you know, passing away from that, and so... Oh, okay. Sorry to hear that. Yeah. Well, you know what? He's looking down on you laughing right now. I'm sure laughing at me. Yeah. Hell yeah. So that's interesting. You close with your mom? Yeah, absolutely. Fuck yeah. And so you met this girl. Where'd you meet your wife at?

Online. Easiest way to do it. Heck yeah. That's beautiful. What was the website? TruckersOnly.com It's actually called Meet Me. Is it spelled M-E-A-T? That's my other profile. Hell yeah. So you were on Meet Me and

you guys, you both met here in Columbus? No, no, I'm actually from southern Indiana. Oh, cool. You made a trip here today, huh? Oh, sweet. Absolutely. We appreciate that, Eric. Did you drive a truck here?

No. No? What kind of car do you have? A Civic, Honda Civic. Really? A Honda Civic? You are a Honda Civic. It's a e-Honda Civic.

Street fighter, you idiots. Heck yeah. Look at that. That guy's trying to start it. He's got to earn it, people. He's got to earn it. So let's talk. Let's keep going about this wife.

Is she a bigger lady too? No, no. That kind of sex is real ugly. I love that. No, of course. you got yourself a little lady right she she gets on top uh no i i crush her wow look at that fuck yeah the smothers brothers over here my goodness i'm not a player i just crush a lot heck yeah look at this guy's in the fucking waffle house House, just smothered, covered, scattered, and fucking shattered. That pussy.

He takes my breath away. What does she do for work? She's a customer service manager at Walmart. Oh, yeah. Getting that fucking blue light special when you're on top of her. So she's used to rolling things back. Hey! light special when you're on top of her. So she's used to rolling things back. There you go. That's what

happens, baby. That's great. We woke the dead on that one. It's pretty hilarious that you are a truck driver and your girl works for Walmart. That's just like the perfect... This is the start of all my favorite Worldstar videos.

We're white trash royalty. We really are. Yeah, definitely. How many Mountain Dews a day do you drink? Actually, don't do soda, man. What are some of your guilty pleasures? What are we talking about? Clearly, you get out there on the road. You're like, I'm in the mood for a fucking hostess

something, right? No, no. I'm not a sweets guy. I like, you know, chicken and beef, I guess. The whole chicken? Feathers? Feathers and all. Come on. You gotta have something other than chicken and beef don't have carbs, bro.

There's something you're leaving out here. Chicken, beef, a couple of loaves of bread a day. You know what I mean? Very good. Shut the fuck up, sir. Shut the fuck up. You shut the fuck up. This fucking guy.

Do you have your truck all pimped out, like with an Xbox and shit? No, I'm home every night. I don't have my own truck. You know, I just, you know. So you're not going like long distances. You're going for like just local pretty much. I mean, 400 miles a night, but I mean, I'm home every night, so it can't be that. Bad hemorrhoids.

No. No, Brian. No one can relate to you. No, no, he does. He does have bad hemorrhoids. Do you have bad hemorrhoids? Do I what? No, no, Brian. No one can relate to you. No, no, he does. He does have bad hemorrhoids. Do you have bad hemorrhoids? Do I what? No, no.

No. I use a little seat cushion thing with a hole cut out in the middle. Right. What the fuck are you guys talking about right now? You know like those airplane pillows that you could, they have them for your butt. Roddy style. They're called donuts, but he ate it. I love it. My goodness. So what do you do for fun what are some hobbies other than how long you've been doing stand-up um this is number nine wow I've been doing it for about a year but

I mean I work so much I have to pretty much get time off to do comedies right right exactly so what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up some hobbies or some I mean, I work so much, I have to pretty much get time off to do comedy. Right, right, exactly. So what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? Some hobbies or some things like that? Skateboarding, believe it or not. Get the fuck out of here. You shut the fuck up. I fuck with people at the skate park because I'll roll into, like, a six-foot or eight-foot bowl,

and people will lose their shit. Like, he's going to fall. An eight-foot bowl of what, cereal? bowl and people will lose their shit. He's going to fall. An eight foot bowl of what? Cereal? Does anybody have a skateboard in here? Yes. Do you have a skateboard? Did you drive here?

You don't have one in your car, do you? Yeah, I keep one in the car. Where's your car at? Across the street. Would you be willing to go to your car, get the skateboard and come back? We got to do it. We're going to have you back on. We're going to get back to the rest of the show.

You're going to come back. We're going to see you on a skateboard up here. Is that okay? I mean, I go down ramps. I mean, we'll just see you do some shit. Don't fucking take the air out of the room, all right? Jesus Christ. Is that okay with you?

I guess. There you go. Listen to the crowd, Eric. Yes. Yes is the answer. Put that mic in the mic stand. Come back with a skateboard. We'll have you back on in a minute.

Eric Ford, ladies and gentlemen. I have to see what the fuck happens here. He's just like, I don't want to walk across the street. If everything goes the way I think it's going to go, he's going to get that skateboard, he's going to stand on it,

and that bitch is going to snap right down the middle. I want to see the skateboard, though. Yeah, exactly. It's just going to look like a fucking wheelchair. You guys having fun out there? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? That's pretty good. How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow.

Well, that's good. You guys must be having the time of your life out there tonight. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Jack Fuller, everybody. Jack Fuller. Oh, Salvador's getting into it up here. I can't

feel my face when I'm with you. Hey, hey, and I love it. Is Jack Fuller here? Is there movement? Are we seeing this? Oh, boy, here he comes. Wow. Walking at the pace of a man who is already successful.

Here we go. Here he comes. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Jack Fuller. What's up, party people? My wife said I'm too vulgar on the dance floor. I don't think she knows what the fuck she's talking about. Right? I learned that shit from 2 Chainz. Y'all know 2 Chainz?

Anyway, I didn't know. I didn't know either that you could get laid in a strip club until I went with my brother and this other high roller. You can get laid in a strip club. Y'all are looking at me like y'all paid for pussy. Especially you, dude. You paid for pussy. I didn't know you could get laid in a strip club, right?

My boy says, I'm entertaining a customer. We're going to the strip club. Pick out a girl. We're going up to the champagne room. I said, no shit. Yeah. So, my brother eat more

pussy. I'm Jack Fuller. What's up? Yeah, okay. Keep going. I want to hear the rest of this fucking story. So then what happened? Yo, man, so we go upstairs, right? Because they asked me to look for cocaine because evidently cocaine and strippers go together. Did y'all know that? Keep going. Cocaine and strippers will fuck up a marriage faster than an Asian massage parlor in your own neighborhood. Keep going. But anyway,

I go up the stairs. My brother evidently got some good cocaine because he's fucking taking this dancer's head and slamming it into his little macaroni dick. Yeah, because his dick's not hard because he did some cocaine. And then my other friend, he's butt ass naked with his socks on. He's fucking, he's getting that shit, y'all. He's getting that shit. He was getting some pussy in the strip club. I'm the motherfucker. Is there an end? Is there a big punch coming, or were you just planning on waiting until the bear came in? I can't believe people were getting pussy upstairs.

There you go. Okay, Jack, let's talk about it. So first of all, you don't look like how you sound. How did you end up sounding like this? Did you hook up? I was raised in a real mixed neighborhood. Mixed neighborhood. Back in Texas, yeah, black and white.

I was raised in an extremely black neighborhood, and this is what I sound like. I'm not a fucking professional. You said the words butt-ass naked at one point. I've never heard a guy that looks like an army general say that before. I know, that's why I can't ever score weed, man. People think I look like a cop. I smoke

weed too, man. That's so funny. No, you look like you stole Christmas. Yeah. Man, dog. I love you, dog. I love you. Are you a teacher? Are you a teacher? Hey, I'm going to tell them.

Hey, y'all know what? Black people don't say, I mean, Mexican people don't say N-word. All right? They don't say the N-word. They call black people mayates. Y'all know what mayate means? Stink bug. What the fuck? Stink bug. What the fuck?

Stink bug. Man, I love you and hate you at the same time so much. There's something I find interesting about you. What are you twinging at? My beautiful wife. You have a beautiful wife? Where's she at? Turn these house lights on, RJ.

Wow, look at that. Fuck yeah. Goddamn right. Goddamn right. You ever notice how everybody's wife is beautiful? I can't believe you were able to get Hulk Hogan's ex-wife to marry you. That's incredible. That's so cool. Look at you. You drink

a lot, don't you, Jack? No, tonight. I really don't drink. Really? I really don't drink. You close your eyes very intensely. Man, listen, I really don't drink. Really? I really don't drink. You close your eyes very intensely. Man, listen. I'm part Neanderthal. My eyes are set so back into my forehead, I don't even need sunglasses. My goodness.

Has anyone ever told you before that you're funny? No. What made you sign up for the show tonight? Man, because I love to to laugh you make me laugh man so what made you i don't know what made you because i'm a writer because i like to write what do you write i used to write for a yeah i used to write for a newspaper so i like to write and i don't know man i just watching your show it just showed me there are a lot of bad fucking comedians out there. Why shouldn't I give it a shot?

Right. Add to it. Right. Yeah. For sure. You seem like a hip pastor. That's good. You're right.

I agree with that. Ask my wife, yo. I'm closer to the devil for sure. Wow. What newspaper do you write for? For sure. A small newspaper in Texas, the Lindale News and Times. Oh, my goodness.

A place where they can't even read. Yeah, I interviewed Miranda Lambert before she hit it big on that country shit show, whatever the fuck it was. Sex and the City? Anyway. Jack, is there anything interesting about you that we should know about? Any fun hobbies or anything like that in your real life? I'm 47. I've been married 22 years.

I got three beautiful daughters. That's cool. My pull-out game is weak as fuck. With your daughters? Wow. I'm surrounded by women in dirty panties yo wow which one smells better all right well sometimes i think my wife leaves them out just for me to go see because they're like laying on top of the shit like laying right there i'm like like, damn. Man. Okie dokie. Hell yeah. Thank you, baby. Jack, any special skills or talents that you have that we should know about or no?

It's okay if the answer's no. Yeah, not really. Okay. We're going to keep it moving along then. Jack Fuller, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one. Eat more pussy. There you go.

Sure. Jack Fuller. Well. Wow. After that, I feel like I've been married to him for 22 years. Now I see why the funny bone gave up on comedians in Columbus. Yeah, Columbus is struggling. What is this?

That's Jesse Turner. We already had Jesse. Jesse Turner signed up twice, you piece of shit. Oh, my God. What a debacle of an you piece of shit. Oh my god. What a debacle of an episode we're having here. Alright, make some noise for Jordan Fulton. Jordan Fulton.

... ... ...... One more time for Jordan Fulton, everyone. Am I the only one that thinks it's odd that the word ostracized has nothing to do with exercising ostriches? I think that's a good start. I can't tell if my dick is small or if my balls are just really long. I want to end on this one. Mr. Rogers is definitely the weirdest guy

to never fuck a kid. Thank you, Aubyn Jordan Fulton. All right. Jokes. Did jokes. He did jokes. I don't. All right. Jokes. Did jokes. He did jokes. I don't even know what to say. You did jokes.

Thank you. I'm shocked at this point that someone came up here with jokes and did them. Appreciate it. I thought about it all day. Fuck yeah. How are you? I'm good. How are you?

Good. You're a good looking guy. You seem like you do painting. You paint things? Nah. All right. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Thank you.

How long have you been doing stand-up? A year and a half. A year and a half. And that's your specialty, one-liners. Fuck no. Those are literally the only one-liners I've ever written. I have longer bits. Like, I like to set my stuff up as five minutes at a time.

Jesus. So it all kind of flows together. Right. And that's the only one-liners I have. I couldn't do a whole minute. Okay. It's longer shit. Okay. And that's the only one of the lines I have. I can't, I couldn't do a whole minute. Okay. With longer shit. Okay.

So that's interesting. So we know about that. That's, that's an interesting thing. Usually, usually stories and shit like that. So Jordan, a year and a half now,

you're from here in Columbus. No, a little over an hour south of here, Circleville area. What? Circleville area. Circleville. Circleville.

Pumpkin fest. Fuck that shit. It's a pumpkin show. They'll kill you if it's the festival. What do you do for work, Jordan? I work at a classic car dealership. A classic car dealership? Yeah. We're dealing.

Basically a glorified janitor. I just clean shit and then got to do other shit. How about for fun? What do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to go knee deep in creeks. Just like sort of look around in the creeks, see if you see any frogs or anything.

You do a lot of wading. Wading, I believe that's called, where you roll up your jeans and you wade. With a drone? Yeah, I just go home and get high and chill. How many rain sticks do you own? Good question. Rain sticks?

Any neon sticks? Do you do any dances where you go like that with things that glow? I'm a very boring person. Yeah? Yeah, I just get high and go home. But what do you do after you get high? What do you like to do? Study the lyrics of Creed.

I don't know, just be high. I don't know. You just sit there and then you look forward stoned at nothing. Yeah. Really? No. I watch TV, watch YouTube, shit like that,

write, stuff like that. Do whatever I can. All right. You got a girlfriend? Yeah. How long you been with her? Two and a half years. What does she do?

She works at Nationwide Insurance. Nationwide. Hell yeah. It's on Nationwide. Hell yeah. It's on your side. Fuck yeah. Yeah, we know the jingle, Brian. So, I mean, my God. Wow.

So, is she a good-looking chick? You're a pretty good-looking guy, especially for Circleville, Ohio, right? Yeah, yeah. She's Asian. They all look the same. You got an Asian in Circleville? No. My goodness.

Oh. Jesus Christ. No, she's from Pennsylvania, then moved to here. Uh-huh. She lives in here now. Wow. I don't know. What is she?

She's Asian. Yeah. But, like, I mean, you guys ever do anything fun together? You guys ever go laser tagging? No. You ever do any? We just You guys ever go laser tagging? No. We just watch movies, hang out. I don't know. We're very boring people.

I guess so. Yeah, it really is. Doesn't get much more boring than this. Really fucking. Sorry. Fuck. I could. Is there anything interesting about you, Jordan?

What? Anything interesting about you? Anything we can talk about? Most of my stand-up is just telling weird and crazy stories that I have through my life. How about a shortened version of one

of those? How about what you would call it on your set list? Crazy story. We got that one. That's good. Thank you. We got that already. Thank you. So when I was like eight and ten, I used to suck my own dick a lot.

Okay. Very good. Yes. And I was just telling a bunch of jokes about it and just telling how I would do it. I'd get on the sink and put my back against the wall and throw my legs up and just lean forward. I go through the whole thing.

Yeah, it all works out. It's shit like that. It's been my life. I noticed that you said 8 and 10. What happened at the age of 9 that you couldn't do that? Oh, no. No, like 8 to 10. Like, I was just sucking all the way through.

Wow. Were you finishing in your own mouth? See, I couldn't. It was too much of a strain, so I would have to jerk off and work my way up and then suck it all the way through. Wow. Were you finishing in your own mouth? See, I couldn't. It was too much of a strain, so I would have to jerk off and work my way up and then suck it off. So it was like a whole process. Did you swallow? Uh, a couple times, but it was

Wow, there we go. Wow. Is on your side. Fuck you people. What? Goodness. Why would you swallow it? You gotta try it. No, you don't. The fun fact is

that we only know one person that knows how to suck his dick and it's the ultra-flexible Brian Redband. I don't know if you once saw but we once had him lay down on the stage and show us how he did it. I've never tried that though.

Clearly his dick is 26 inches long. Could we maybe have a dick sucking off between the two of these guys? Nope. Yeah, no. It doesn't make sense.

That's why you shouldn't pitch segments for the show that you don't host, Jeremiah, because it's impossible. All right, there he goes, Jordan Fulton, everybody. Very good. Interesting stuff. Wide is on your side. All right.

I'm going to wait on. Just a little bit. How about Lance? Can we get a fucking comedian up here? Is Lance here? Lance? Lance? I don't see any movement. Look at that.

What are the odds? What are the fucking odds? All right. We haven't had a lady up here yet, have we? Oh, yeah, we did. We did. That's right, we did. We did.

We did. She was my favorite. Yeah. How That's right. We did. We did. We did. She was my favorite. Yeah. How about Tony B. Cruz? Tony B. Cruz. Here we go. Movement. He's coming to the stage. He's already looking at his notes on his phone.

This has been some of the worst comedians in the world here in Columbus, Ohio. Who would have guessed that, huh? What a homecoming for us. Bunch of bomb artists here. This is what you said you like, though. You like to watch people fail. And we are giving you what you want here tonight. You guys having fun? Here he is, Tony B. Cruz. I'm a Mexican, but I grew up in the suburbs, you know, because my parents cared. Like, they could afford to pay the bills, just couldn't afford to pay attention to me. It's not all bad, though. Being from the suburbs, now I'm, like, really into white girls.

White girls typically aren't that into me, though. They more or less just use me as a stepping stone To introduce color into their families I don't blame them though Why would you want to date a Mexican? For our low inserting flat asses That aren't conducive to physical prowess Our work ethic

The only thing that combination gets you Is a cross-country runner, and that's just out of necessity. Glad it's 2019 and the short North can still appreciate a good race joke. Not a lot of people are into 5Ks these days. Tony, anything insanely interesting about you that we need to know? Insanely interesting? This sounds like a brag.

I was high school valedictorian. Oh, okay. All right. How about anything interesting about you? Let's see. What do you guys think? Should we go turbo mode, get a few more people up here to blast 60 seconds? Please do.

There goes Tony B. Cruz, ladies and gentlemen. Tony B. Cruz. Let's get back to this bucket. Let's try it again here. Tony looked like an MMA fighter, though. Didn't he look like? Yes. Yes, he looked like an MMA fighter. I agree. Looked exactly like an

MMA fighter. Are you sitting on your balls right now or something? Yes, I'm sitting on my balls right now. You are on fire. Yes, everybody that's gotten pulled out of the bucket except for two people have been absolutely god-awful here tonight. I mean, just a certain type

of bad that it's almost makes me sad. This is what they Thank you for that apology, sir. There he is. The mayor of Columbus is here, everybody. Okay, let's do another speed round. How about Justin Adkins? Here we go, Justin Adkins.

Let's see what happens here. The most interesting thing about your last guy is that he was the high school valid Victorian, so we're going to keep it moving along. Shout out to the Austin 316 shirt in the audience there. Here he is. Okay. Okay.

Here we go. I have a good feeling about this. It's Justin Adkins, everybody. Why they got to call it eating ass anyways, you know? That's a PR nightmare. If you want anybody to do it, you got to name it something better, you know? I was thinking like maybe going down and around, you know? I'll tell you a couple things about eating ass right now. I don't do it. I won't do it. I'm not curious about it. But you could probably get me to go down and around. Probably wouldn't be too hard.

I mean, I'm saying, you know, if I'm down, might as well go around. It's about stacking prepositions, you know? Sex. In, out, up, down, around the hill, through the house, anywhere a mouse can fuck. Kind of what I'm getting at.

I did that fast, but that was the one I wanted to do. Yeah, you did it. Justin Adkins. There you go. Absolutely. Fuck yeah. I like your style, dude. Come here. Get that mic out of there. How long have you been a mad scientist for?

Five years. Just about five years now. What do you do? IT. Yep. you do? IT. Yeah, that's about right. You're the one that changes the code in Jurassic Park for the whole thing to fail, right? Uh-uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh-uh. Very good.

All right, Justin knows how to go through a fucking question. Good job, Justin. We're doing it here. So you work on IT. What do you do for fun? job, Justin. We're doing it here. So you work on IT. What do you do for fun? IT. No. Actually, just stand-up, movies, IT.

I actually kind of like it because both my job, IT, and doing stand-up are both like I consider them hobbies that I can get paid for sometimes. So what the fuck else you want? How long have you been doing stand-up? That was the five years I said earlier. Oh, gotcha, gotcha, want how long you been doing stand-up that was the five years i said earlier oh gotcha gotcha gotcha five years doing stand-up comedy you ever get to open for anybody or anything like that are you in the rotation anywhere like uh probably stewart huff was that was the biggest and favorite i mean that's kind of like uh maybe not a reference

everyone's gonna catch but definitely definitely should Google but yeah Google people no but no one that good fuck yeah what's some things you've bought off the dark web before? that's a good question I can't say or they come get them

that's how it works heck yeah my goodness this is interesting. I've never had anyone on the show that reminds me if Dave Grohl was a bookworm. Seemed like there's something real rock and roll about you, right? You ever do any, you have any weird conspiracies or anything like that? You seem like you'd have one wall in your apartment

dedicated with like yarn connecting things, right? Yeah. I got a few. Like what? Hmm. None of them. I got none of them. No. I thought I'd come up with one. I love conspiracy theories as a thing, but I don't buy into any of them.

So I could quote you like every one of them I've gone through a YouTube thing on. Why do I have a feeling that you have a girlfriend that looks like you without the beard? No? Maybe. No girlfriend? That's her laughing right there. That is her laugh?

Yeah. Okay, can we get house lights up there? Which one is this? Hey, what a cutie. I like her fucking style. What's up, sweetheart? Hell yeah. Look at that little fucking ride you got there.

So you go down and around on her? I go down and around. Yeah, round and round. The best jokes are true jokes. Absolutely. Definitely. Jolina? I was just going to say he looks like Wayne and Garth at the same time.

That's true. He does. Yeah. My goodness, Justin. You have any special sexual maneuvers that you do that you put your brain together with when you're working with the old lovely bag of fun over there? A little hard to describe. Yeah?

Can you try one? You seem like the kind of guy that would put a finger in her mouth and her butt while fucking her at the same time, right? The old triple prong electrical outlet. Frankly, I'm a boring lay, but I try real hard. I'm grateful. That's a thankful fuck. That's what I like to describe myself as.

That's hilarious. Mission wide is on your side. Wow. All right, Justin. Well, very interesting. Fun performance. Great fucking set. Great stuff.

You did it. You got through it. Justin Adkins, everybody. What do you think? One more? Get through one more of this thing? We're gonna get to that in a second. What are you guys yelling out

there? What was that? I know the skateboarders there. I know what the fuck's going on, you idiots. Oh, I totally forgot about the fucking obese guy with the skateboard. Don't know how the episode would ever end. How about Just Joey?

Just Joey, ladies and gentlemen. Let's get a quick one out of Just Joey. Where's Just Joey at? Is that him in the tie-dye shirt? Nope. Whoa, here's Just Joey. Look at this fucking guy. Wow. Hell yeah.

Coming straight from the fucking... Here we go. Save that. One more time for Just Joey, everybody. I don't think that birds have feelings, like good or bad.

I just think they kind of fly around and just go bird, bird, bird, bird, bird, bird, bird. I've been kind of hung up on birds recently. I just got back from New York City and the pigeons there are gigantic. I watched a girl in Central Park try to pick up a pigeon, and I had an immediate thought that pigeons would make really bad fleshlights,

because I just think about putting my dick in things sometimes. I was nervous about coming up here and doing an entire set about birds. I didn't want you guys to pigeonhole me while I talked about pigeonholes. Thanks. Oh, my fucking God. This is incredible what's happening here tonight. So how's it going, Just Joey? How are you?

It's fantastic. Fuck, yeah. One of the best sets from a kid with cancer that we've ever had on this show. He looks like he sings for a Judas Priest cover band called Lupus Priest. Oh, shit. My goodness gracious. So what are we dealing with here? Tell us about your actual life, Just Joey.

I play in a bunch of bands. Yeah. A bunch of punk bands. What do you play in those bands? I sing and play guitar. Oh, great. Sing us a little tune. Go acapella.

Oh, shit. You want a beat from Joey? Yeah, absolutely. Ask for something. Oh, great. Sing us a little tune. Go acapella. Oh, shit. You want a beat from Joel? Yeah, absolutely. Ask for something. Like, fly, fly. Yeah, we're gonna do a nervous breakdown. Yeah. Oh, okay.

All right. They're communicating. Wow. Here we go. Can we get a light on him? Well, I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. My head really hurts. If I don't find a way out of here, I'm gonna go berserk.

Because I'm crazy and I'm hurt. Head on my shoulders. Oh, birds too. Oh my God. That was my musical debut at the Newport Music Hall. This is the biggest place I've ever played. That's great.

Wow, I love that. That is cool. My goodness, just Joey. Well, anything else that we need to know about you? I like the bird jokes. Do you have a lot of material, like other material? You liked those bird jokes. I like bird jokes.

Yeah. I like bird jokes. Brian Redband. You know somebody in Las Vegas has been putting gluing little hats on birds? It's a real thing on the news today. That's sad. Yeah, and all these birds have little hats on them. That's animal cruelty.

Do they die? No, they're just flying around and they have little hats on them. They eventually die. They eventually die. Those birds die younger than they would have. That's disgusting. That's animal cruelty. And I'm not a fan of that.

My goodness. Wow. Alright, Just Joey. Well, I mean, what can I say? How many, first time doing stand-up? Yeah. And what was the other, did you write, prepare anything else?

I probably would have talked about cum or something. What about cum? What would you have talked about? It's delicious. It's good. I don't know. It's nutritional. How do you know it's delicious?

I'm bisexual. You are? Yeah. Oh, interesting. Yeah. How often do you hook up with dudes? Not as often as with girls, but like when the opportunity presents itself you go you uh so you giveth and taketh with men yeah right now that's a sex addict yeah that guy was kind of like

really weird about that whole sex addict thing that was strange yeah like i feel like people fuck more than that right yeah for sure no i agree i was surprised when he says yeah twice twice a day same girl i just didn't get it vanilla yeah that's like that's like a guy that says he's an alcoholic that has like a beer yeah wow so just joey what's the craziest thing you've ever done sexually because you seem like it you seem like if they let the gimp out of his outfit from pulp fiction uh i've had a girl like take a knife and cut me and like lick my blood wow where did she cut you you you made it you made you touched your side there well yeah and then i've got like a period too wow yeah and that was interesting you were you stayed hard during that yeah i came really

hard oh really yeah like really fucking hard oh my god yeah it gives you like a total adrenaline rush you sweat real bad because you feel like you're gonna die because you got someone on top of you with a knife like oh my god wow did you get an infection or anything no i cleaned it after i'm not gross oh my goodness gracious That is on your side. Wow. Are you a cutter? No, never. No self-harm for me. I'm more of a pee guy myself.

What do you do with pee? I drink it or into a girl's mouth, guy's mouth, whatever. If we get a glass, would you drink some pee on stage? Yeah. You would? Yeah. Only from Jolina. Swear to God. Just Jolina.

That's it. I mean, I can't believe what this show has come to. You have to pee, Salvador? Are you serious? Oh, shit. I mean, you guys think we should do this? You guys think... You mean to tell me...

Hold on a second, Columbus, Ohio. You mean to tell me that we should end this show with Eric Ford skateboarding back and forth while this guy drinks Jeremiah's piss? Or you can dump this out and do it in there. Get back there. Can you keep the ice in there, Jeremiah? I'd like to first of all thank

the Newport Newport Music Hall? You guys requested to keep the ice in the glass. Yeah. No one wants to drink warm pee. Right. Right.

What kind of psycho would do that? First of all, I'd like to thank the Newport Music Hall for letting us do this absolutely ridiculous show. They're the venue that had the balls us do this absolutely ridiculous show. They're the venue that had the balls to do this. And I hope that they find the comedic value in something as ridiculous as what's going on here. Can we get Eric Ford back up here with the skateboard

as well? And well, here he is with a skateboard, everybody. Whoa! Did anyone else just see their light flash before their eyes with this guy coming in? Oh, my God. Oh, no. No. No.

No. This is Kill Tony Columbus, Ohio. Keep skateboarding, Eric. Just keep going. Do not spill that. Do not spill that. Do not spill that. Do not spill that.

Oh, my God. Oh, my fucking God. Eric Ford on the skateboard. Just Joey sipping urine. How did it taste, Joey? He's really hydrated. Wow. You can tell he doesn't drink alcohol. Yeah. No, it's

true. He's clean and sober. You know any tricks on that thing, Eric? How many of you think you should chug all of it while Eric does a trick? They want you to chug it. Oh, Jesus. You can't do it?

I don't think I can chug that much. I don't think I can. What would much. I don't think I can. What would happen if you chugged it, do you think? This guy's angry. He wants you to chug it so badly. I think we should get strip club guy back up here to chug the rest. No, you can't do it. No, that guy.

I can't chug that much. I'm sorry. It's too much pee. That guy only drinks purple drink. It's too much pee. That guy only drinks purple drink at Hennessy. It's too much pee. I drank pee on stage and I'm getting booed. This is like, fuck yeah.

That's good enough for me. There he goes. Just Joey, ladies and gentlemen. Just Joey. Wow. Where do I begin with tonight's episode? Never before has a giant cup of piss been on this table. We saw a guy drink piss. We saw ten comedians eat shit.

This is a very, very... This is not how I thought Columbus, Ohio's show specifically would be. But we got through it together. Did you guys have fun? Yes! But we got through it together. Did you guys have fun? I mean... Hey, could I get a copy of this show for my reel, please? Yeah, I... I don't know exactly what happened here tonight, but...

Jeremiah, can you take your piss away? Yeah. It smells. Yeah, maybe... I mean, I don't know what to happened here tonight. Jeremiah, can you take your piss away? It smells. Yeah, maybe. I mean, I don't know what to do with that. Can you go dump that in a toilet? I'll plug all your everythings that you've ever wanted plugged before. Yes, the Big Gay Calendar is for sale, and

the fun fact is that it's on clearance right now. Okay, yes, thank you. Thank you, yes, I got it. It's finally useful, also. Yeah, the 2020 is coming up. It's right around the Okay, yes, thank you. Thank you, yes, I got it. It's finally useful also. Yeah, the 2020 is coming up. It's right around the corner and there's a lot of stuff going on. Calgary, Vancouver, San Antonio

and other places. Houston, Texas, a lot of fun stuff going on here. Jeremiah is also on tour. He's headlining in Kansas City, Chicago, Detroit, and Albany, New York. Coming up, that's all at jeremiahwalkins.com. Big Gay Calendar for sale, Caveman Coffee. Don't forget, Infinite CBD. This is your only chance this year to get 30% off by

using the code TONY15. So if you're one of our amazing Infinite CBD supporting fans, use the code TONY15, get 30% off for the holidays. If you haven't tried it before, if you're one of our amazing Infinite CBD supporting fans, use the code TONY15, get 30% off for the holidays. If you haven't tried it before, if you have any symptoms of any kind, anxiety, fucking pain of any kind, anything, it all works for that. Pittsburgh

in two nights, Cleveland the night after that. If anybody's in the mood to take a little drive up the 71, we will be there. Calgary, I mentioned that. I feel like I'm missing something, like I forgot to do something here tonight. I don't know. How about one more time for Jeremiah Watkins, everybody?

He was Salvador. We're going to be signing official Ryan J. Ebel posters. He made very special posters that feature a lot of fun Ohio things. Brian is Wendy from Wendy's. I'm something. I can't remember. Jeremiah, anything else? Yeah, I got a lot of new videos on my YouTube channel, youtube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins,

like the 100th episode of Jeremiah Wonders, the special that's out right now. Thank you. And, guys, can we clap for Just Joey one more time? He just drank pee on stage. How about one more time for Joelbert Joel Jimenez, everybody? Joelina was here tonight. Incredible.

Very fun stuff. You reminded me, Jeremiah, I actually just, I haven't tweeted about it or anything, but I just started my own YouTube page as well featuring my own stand-up clips. I can't even remember what it's called. I think it's Tony Hinchcliffe Clips or something like that. I think it's Tony Hinchcliffe.

Just search Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah, just search Tony Hinchcliffe. There's a new page. It literally has zero subscribers, zero views. There's two videos just sitting there waiting for you. So there's a little, what do you call that? An Easter egg for you to go find. Columbus, Ohio,

I can't believe we're here. We have to sign posters for you, take pictures with you on your way out, and then we have to eat a large Adriaticos pizza because we are home. It's good to be home. And we love you guys so much for coming out. Thank you for all your support over all the years, and we absolutely love you. Red Band?

Thanks a lot, guys. Love you. Good night. Good night. ស្រូវាប់បានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានវានប់ប្រូវានប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប្រូវតែរាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពី