KILL TONY - KILL TONY #421 - PITTSBURGH

Episode Date: December 18, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 12/14/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Check out our website, death squad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. Check out RyanJEbelt.com. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his comedy tour dates and he's got some merch and a bunch of other stuff. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com.

And finally, ShopSquad.tv that's the official merchandise of the death squad universe we have the kill tony shirt some death squad hats and mugs and stickers and patches go to shopsquad.tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Greg McHenry. Coming to you live from Pittsburgh. I'm the Rex Steeder. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Here it is for Tony Hitchclad. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, make some fucking noise. Yowie, motherfucking wowie, Brian Redband's here, everybody. Hey, everybody. And so are we. Holy moly, how exciting is it to be back in beautiful, wet Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Soaking, fucking wet, breezy, cold, snowflakey. It's exciting to be here. You guys ready to have a great, warm, cozy night here in the dark, dark layers of the Rex Theater?

How exciting is this? Shout out to someone who made a special Pittsburgh bucket. Look at that, a little Picklesburg Kill Tony bucket. I think that's in reference to our last show here where the Pickle Festival was happening. That's in reference to our last show here where the Pickle Festival was happening. That's how cool. For those of you listening around the world, that's how cool Pittsburgh is. They have pickles. Yeah, Corey made that for us.

Yeah, shout out to Corey. Fuck yeah. React, Corey. You out there? Yeah, fuck yeah. There you are, a little anti-social artist over there just sitting in the dark. I'm over here. So this is exciting.

We're back. When were we here last? Was it this year? It was this year, right? That's how powerful you guys are. You got us back twice in one year. Many cities angry. Some cities we've never been to. Denver, Colorado, Miami, every city in Florida, really. We have avoided Florida. As you should, right? I mean, you know, it's a thing. But Pittsburgh somehow has gotten us twice. Very exciting stuff. A lot of the Hinchcliffs are here.

A lot of my family from Youngstown, Ohio. Shout out to you. Somewhere in the middle of the room. And yeah, life is good. I mean, we've been doing it. We've been traveling everywhere all year. Things are good. I mean, we've been doing it. We've been traveling everywhere all year. Things are exciting. And, you know, I'm afraid of the crime.

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You don't have all these extra cards. You still got a lot of cards in there. You got your Domino's and Wendy's and all that. There's a lifetime warranty if you love it and free returns if you don't. There really is a Wendy's card. Holy shit. It comes in titanium, carbon fiber, aluminum, and over a dozen different styles and colors. You can get 10% off today with free worldwide shipping and returns by going to ridge.com slash kill Tony. That's ridge.com slash

kill Tony. Use the code kill Tony. The link is in the description. You can get 10% off your order. Great gift for the Christmas season, the holiday season. Get it for people that you love. Ridge wallet. Use the code kill Tony. Save 10%. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? We are live here, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. We've done this before. The Rex Theater, a beautiful venue. We're packed tight like a jar of pickles. This is very exciting. As with all of our road episodes, we will go guestless tonight.

However, there is a band on this show, everybody. It's a lot of people's favorite parts of the show. I mean, let's face it, a lot of the listeners hate us, Brian. You and I, they fucking hate us. I know. But they love the band. They are likable. They're goofy. They're silly. Every single episode, they

commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be or what they're going to do exactly. Maybe it's the return of some of our favorite characters. Maybe it's the debut of brand new characters. So let's see what they are tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band, Jeremiah Watkins

and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. What is going on here? Here they come. I see glowing sticks of some kind. Whoa. What is this? Oh, my God. I have no idea what this is.

All right. Wow. All right. We get it. They're having a sword fight. It appears as though Jeremiah is wearing a dragon's head with a green

sword and glasses. What are you? Ever heard of live action role play, Tony? I guess I've sorta heard of that. That's what you are? My name is Douglas and my dragon's name is Draconio. Douglas, and your dragon's name is?

Draconio. Corleone? Draconio. Wow, I'm going to call you Douglas. That is my human name. We'll accept. And then back here, clearly we have Harry Potter's Mexican sister. Ha, ha, ha.

Good one, Tony. What's your name? The name is Kevin. Kevin. And don't let this armor fool you. I am a mere mortal. Wow. No, I mere mortal. Wow. No, I could tell.

My goodness. You guys traveled with this shit in bags from Los Angeles? I have flown with weirder shit in my bags. Wow. Well, we have live action role-playing characters, Douglas and Kevin. And we have the old Picklesburg Bucket. We have Brian Soundboard. Oh, yeah, there we go, the Picklesburg Bucket. You guys know how it works. A bunch of people signed up before the show. Maybe it's someone's first time. Maybe it's their last time. Maybe they're one of the local comedians that are trying to get a big break, get discovered here on the show, get a following for themselves. You never know what's going to happen.

I pull your name out of the bucket. You get 60 seconds uninterrupted on that front microphone right there. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry cultural district bear. Is that the gay part of town? The cultural district?

That's what they told me. I don't know. I asked the crew here. It was a bunch of tough guys pretending like they didn't know where the gay part of town was. Like, dude, I don't know where the fuck's the gay part, dude. I hang out by Heinz Field, bro. Go Steelers, dude. So, yeah, that's how it works.

After that 60 seconds is up, we ask you a bunch of questions. We talk with you about your life. Try to find out what might be more interesting about you. Answer the questions honestly. Don't try to be a silly doofball then or else we can't find out anything about you and we have nothing to work with. There's only one way to get to this stage. It's the stairway right over there. You can come up this aisle way and across.

You can come up that aisle and across. But the only way to get up there is that way. Do not climb up on this stage. If you climb up on this stage, you don't get to perform. It's a physical rule based on insurance and safety. You guys get it? You ready to start this fucking show, huh? Pittsburgh, I feel like you could do better than that.

You guys ready to start this show tonight or what? All right. I was right. I knew you could do better than that. All right. I was right. I knew you could do better than that. All right. Well, then with that said, your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Levi Weinstein. Wow. Right there in the front. Here he comes. Here he is. One more time for your first comedian of the night, Levi Weinstein.

Hello? Oh, there we go. What's up, everybody? So I'm super excited to be here, and here I am. So I don't know if y'all remember but we were all here you go use this one buddy how about we start you over how about one more time no that's not gonna work is it the cord or the mic you think sound guy this is fucking great by the way just fucking great this is exactly what the fuck I like to happen when I come to a fucking venue

and sell a bunch of fucking tickets so that the fucking main thing doesn't fucking work. You think it's the cord or the mic, sound guy? Cord. Cord? Okay. Why don't we just switch the cord? Why don't we pretend like none of this ever fucking happened? A smoke monster is forming.

It's all good. We're fixing it. How about a hand for the amazing staff here at the Rex Theater? We're doing it. We're doing it. Who gives a shit that it's a podcast? Who gives a shit? This is perfect.

This is all going to work out. This is how it happens. Thank you, Jeremiah. Fucking thank you. Really, less of that forever. Permanently, thank you. This is how it happens. Thank you, Jeremiah. Fucking thank you. Really, less of that forever, permanently. Thank you. Hello? Jesus fucking Christ. I thought it was helping, but apparently Douglas

failed once again. Okay, very good. Thank you. Alright, check it, dude. Fucking check that thing. Check, check. Ladies and gentlemen, we're starting over from scratch. Put your hands together for your first comedian of the night, Levi Weinstein. What's up, everybody? Again, for the second time, let's see if this

one goes a little better than before. So, whoa, sorry about that. Sorry about that. Sorry about that. My bad. My bad. So, sixth grade. You're in, like, social studies class learning about Indonesia or something. And it's, like, you know, halfway into the first semester about. And the best thing ever happens. Pan! Pan! Pan! It's the fire alarm. You get to go out of class

And do whatever the fuck you want So you know like Honestly fire alarms are like really lit Like you get to leave class Everyone leaves class at the same time You like meet up with your boys You know you like take out your little game boy And the little connector

before all the Bluetooth stuff took over, all the Nintendo DS. You play some Pokemon Blue. You battle with your boys. Thank you. All right, there you go. Levi Weinstein choosing to go with some of that good old fire alarm material. Can we get the broken cord back up here? Maybe we can switch that back.

Joelberg is here, ladies and gentlemen. He has arrived. He has started. Oh, he's being christened. Wow. Fuck yeah, Levi. That was definitely... You brought more embarrassment to the family named Weinstein

than anyone else I've ever heard of before. My goodness gracious, look at you. Look at you. It's good to see Fuller from Home Alone all grown up here. I wonder if you still wet the bed. How's it going, Levi? First time doing stand-up? First time doing stand-up. First time doing stand-up.

Look at that. There you go. There's the go to the first time. That gives you some excuses there. Welcome, welcome. How old are you? I'm 24. 24 years old, and your first time doing stand-up.

What do you do for work? What would a guy named Levi Weinstein do? Let me guess, law school? Yes. You're goddamn motherfucking right. So you're born and raised here in Pittsburgh? No, I actually flew up here for this. You flew from where? From South Florida. South Florida. Never heard of a Weinstein from Florida before. Thank you. Oh, wow.

So that's where your family lives? Yes. South Florida. Miami? I grew up in Miami Beach, but I live in Fort Lauderdale. Fort Lauderdale. What made you move to Fort Lauderdale? It's where my family moved in 6th grade.

You still live with your parents? Yes. You've always lived with your parents? I went to college at FSU where I lived not with my parents for four years. Right. Okay. Can we just clarify, nothing is wrong with living with your parents. A real live action reenactor, Douglas.

Live-action role-player. Role-player. All right. I will write that down. Get it right, bully. Role-player. Did you call me a bully? Nope.

All right, Levi. So what else has been going on with your life? You seem like the kind of guy that has some hobbies, right? You like to golf? I actually don't like to golf at all. What do you like to do? Like to play Parcheesi or something like that? No, I'm not a big board game guy.

But right now I'm in between relationships. So I've been like... Me as well. Levi, I think you and I are going to get along quite well. Yeah, you're in between relationships. What do you mean by that? So have you ever heard of BDSM? Do you know what that is?

Of course. Yes, it's the prop comedy of sex. So I met this girl on Hinge, it's a dating app, and we started texting a little bit, or messaging, and the messages turned into texting, and it was like normal texting at first,

but she sent me a message of uh mickey mouse's face so i was like oh that's my face when um insert funny relevant thing here to what we're talking about then she sends me a picture of mini mouse and i was like oh like okay whatever then she says that's my safe word i'm like oh bruh so like what it turned into was her sending me pictures of all of her toys and like you know I was like fuck it I've never done this before YOLO I'm down like I'll see what's good

did he say YOLO yeah yes he did let's check in with Douglas over there even though he's in the middle of a story but go ahead Douglas can I just say that your vernacular does not match your body type at all. Very good.

Okay, keep going. So then you said what? So she's asking me to come over, and I'm like, you only live once. So I go... Why didn't you just say YOLO that time? Fucking keep going. Just let him go.

Let him go. He's still in the middle of the same story, guys. Keep going, Levi. Keep plowing through it, you fucking idiot. Keep going. So I went to her house. She lives not with her parents.

And so, like, her house was 40 minutes away, and I knew that I was going to sleep there because it was already like 10 p.m. So I was like, do you have any food?

It's hard for me to sleep if I'm, like, hungry. So I picked up some challah and some eggs. Leave it to a Weinstein to make this a two and a half hour production. What the fuck are you talking about, dude? Long story short, I'm not into BDSM.

It got weird. The fuck do you mean long story short? Did you just graze over the sex part of this story you're telling us about the fucking bacon and egg? We didn't have sex. Minnie and Mickey? She wanted to have sex with me, and she put, like, a whip in my hand

and wanted me to, like, whip her feet and stuff. Are you a pussy? Why didn't you do that shit? Well, like, see, I was doing it for, like, a minute, but, like, I just, I did not get, like, horny or hard at all. I was like, yo, this is weird. Yeah, sure, you fucking play along for a little bit.

I was trying. It was weird. What's your problem? What are you talking about, Levi? So you're whipping her feet for a minute, and then you say, what? Okay, so I'm on the bed, and like. You're on the bed. Where are you on the bed?

Where we last left our hero. He was on the bed. He is whipping feet. She's like this on the pillow And I'm like And I have like a horse whip And I'm like Shut the fuck up

Now and forever You, you, and you Shut up You keep going Levi So I had a horse whip But that wasn't my only option. She had something called a flogger, which, like, I've never heard of

before, but, like, it's like a handle with a bunch of weird tassels, and I was like, eh. So, I grabbed the horse whip, and I was like, asked, what was it? Oh, yeah, I came up with a game to play with her. The game was, how well do you know Levi Weinstein?

And I was like... This was your idea? I'm getting off my knees. No, no. The game was my idea, and I was essentially asking her things about me. And if she got it wrong, because I was asking really hard questions, I was just like... But five minutes later, I was like, I'm not feeling this. So I got off the bed.

I was like, I'm not feeling this. And then she off the bed. I was like, I'm not feeling this. And then she was like, you want to watch Fifty Shades of Grey and see how this is done right? I'm like, okay. Jesus. God. Yeah. So we watched Fifty Shades of Grey. At the end of the movie, I'm like, I'm going to get the fuck out of here.

So you watched that whole fucking movie? Okay. No. Fuck no. We started watching it and like I honestly wish that I had like a studio audience because I was basically shitting on every single scene and like

I'm like yo like fast forward to the good parts which included like just this dude basically beating the shit out of some woman which is like bro. We know how you feel about that. Yeah. Okay. But you never had sex with her so it was more like Fifty Shades of Gay up here. There you go.

Heck yeah. Wow. Ooh. 20 hit points for Douglas. Incredible. Fifty Shades of Gay. Yes, Joel? Tony, if this story drags on any longer, I might have to slay it.

All right. Just play the drums, bitch. Okay, there you go. There goes that one. That's one in the hole. All right, Levi. So, what is your type of

dream sexual situation? What's the most experimental thing you've ever done? The most experimental thing that I've ever done. Doggy thing that i've ever done doggy sexually oh no um like i got like a little like um like okay so my my ex-girlfriend like whatever my ex-girlfriend like she wanted to do like butt stuff and i'm i was like okay like i'm fucking yo i was also into it i I was also like, fuck it. I've never done that before. I'm fucking down.

But her butthole was a little bit too tight. So I got a little butt plug for her. And it wasn't big enough to expand the butthole. So I just kind of slipped it in. And it was just kind of there. It fell in got it all lubed up and then just like so what's your point

that's what you do with the butt plug well yeah that's the most sexually experimental thing that I've ever done you put a butt plug in a girl's butt yeah my god Levi you poor thing. This girl probably would have done so much fun stuff with you if you just would have whipped her feet for a second.

This is crazy, Levi. So that was the only time you ever hung out with her? Yeah, yeah. Like, we see each other at school sometimes, and I'm just like, hey, walk away. Law school? Yeah. Oh, look at that.

Wow. What type of law are you studying specifically? Land use. Land use. Which is development of properties. Uh-huh. Yeah, fun stuff. That makes sense.

Is your dad a lawyer too? No. What does he do? Dentist? No, he's actually a writer. Uh-huh. What does he do? Dentist? No, he's actually a writer. Uh-huh. What does he write? He writes poems that he self-publishes.

My God, we've spent so much time with you. Well, yeah. I don't know why you keep on asking this guy questions. I'm shocked. I've asked him less questions than I think I've ever asked anybody. It's just his answers are seven minutes long, especially with you hitting every button and Douglas fucking jumping in with 50 Shades of Gay

jokes that we covered on episode 45 of this show. Sometimes it's Throwback Thursday. Well, Levi, I mean, congratulations on your first time attempting stand-up comedy. I think God was trying

to tell us something when he cut your sound from the very beginning. I think he knew what was to come, and good luck in the future, man. How do you feel that this went? You're smiling. You seem like a happy guy. I'm happy to be up here, finally. Come to Miami, please. We want you. You were great at the West Palm Beach Improv. This is what the comedians in Miami will be like if we come there? Hopefully not. All right. There he goes, Levi Weinstein, ladies and gentlemen.

What an interesting start to the show. Is everybody? That was exhausting. Yeah, it was. Poor guy. This chick wanted me to do stuff that I've never done before, and I'm like, get out of here, lady. It's a missionary position or nothing at all for me.

God, she was so down to fuck. She showed toys and everything. Yeah, what a bozo. What did you think? You were going to whip her feet all night long, you fucking idiot? Jesus Christ. All right, this looks like a fun name. Let did you think? You were going to whip her feet all night long, you fucking idiot? Jesus Christ. All right. This looks like a fun name.

Let's see what happens here. Put your hands together for Charlie Steps. Charlie Steps. Here we go. Oh, here he comes. Look at that silhouette in the darkness. There's movement. The anticipation in the room.

You could cut it with a knife. This is exciting. Here comes Charlie Steps. Up the room. You could cut it with a knife. This is exciting. Here comes Charlie Steps. Up the steps. Comes from a long line of steps. Here he is. One more time for Charlie Steps, everybody. So I found out that PFA does not mean pretty fucking awesome.

A district court judge does not send you a piece of paper telling you how awesome you are. You're probably wondering what I did. I PFA'd my girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend. What is awesome about that is I no longer have to dodge beer bottles, fists, and I can masturbate anytime I want. So when the cops serve you at PFA, they give you about 10 to 15 minutes to grab your stuff. And in that 10 to 15 minutes of grabbing her stuff,

she decided to pepper spray my fleshlight. But the joke's on her because I checked it first with my dick. I can only masturbate with Frank's Red Hot. That's it. Thank you. Charlie Steps. Hell yeah. Getting laughs, working the audience, executing jokes with

beats and timing. There was definitive starts and ends of your material there. Welcome, Charlie. How long you done stand-up comedy for? First time. First time ever. Look at that, Charlie Steps. Congratulations, Charlie.

Heck yeah. So what have you been doing with your life up until this point? Working, video games. What do you do for work? I have a small cleaning company. Put that mic right next to your mouth. Small cleaning company. A small cleaning company. You that mic right next to your mouth. Small cleaning company. A small cleaning company.

Yep. You own the company? Yep. How does that start? How do you start a cleaning company as a white guy? I only know how Mexicans do it. Yeah. What is it?

How did that happen? Was your dad a cleaner as well? No, everyone that works for me has papers. Oh, okay. That sounds suspicious immediately. Looking more like Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez by the minute back here, Joel. I'm just warning you right now. This is getting like a run for Congress back here.

So how many people do you have working for you? Just three. Real small. Real small. What types of places do you clean? People's houses or commercial? You know Mario's two doors down? Nope. I know three doors down though.

Yeah, I clean bars. Uh-huh. Clean bars? Bars. Restaurants, bars, offices. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Charlie Steps. I like your fucking style, bro. What do you like to do for fun? Play the drums.

Oh! How long you been playing drums for, Charlie? On and off 10, 15 years. On and off 10 or 15 years. Oh. Wow. Kevin taking the walk over here.

Look at this guy go. It's a long walk to that green. Oh, shit. Wow. Well, Charlie, I mean, you're from here in Pittsburgh? Yep. He's a local. It's Pittsburgh's own.

Why don't we have a Mexican drum off? I don't know. It's risky business this early on in this show. Sometimes we reach a climax and we're chasing a dragon for the rest of the episode. But luckily we have Douglas here. He knows what chasing a dragon's like rest of the episode, but luckily we have Douglas here. He knows what chasing a dragon's like, right, Douglas? Yes, sir. Charlie, get on back here at this drum set. Now, it's a pretty simple set tonight. For some reason, the drum rental company gave us basically four little drums there. Is there anything else you want to hit or anything?

Is there anything else we can give you? Are you going to be able to make it work with this set? Joel's going to have the same size set. How do you feel about this? Your mic's right there. Yeah, I can make it work. Okay. Well, Charlie, let me explain it to you and some of the audience that might not know.

I know I have a few relatives here that don't ever support my show in any way, but they know how to cash in on a free guest list ticket if anyone in the world does. So let me explain it if only for them. There's a thing on this show called the Mexican Drum Off where there's a chance that someone pulled out of the bucket that knows how to play the drums can become a permanent cast member on the show. If they have a better drum solo than the house drummer, Joel Jimenez, they become the newest drummer on the show, which means, guess what?

You used to have a small cleaning company. You got to move to Los Angeles, California, the greatest city on the planet Earth, to be with us every single Monday. This Monday, we have Theo Vaughn on the show. The Monday after that is a top secret, very special 420 episode for episode 420, even

though episode 420 was technically two nights ago in Columbus, Ohio, the second greatest city on Earth. And so you have a chance to be a permanent member of the show and pass off your small cleaning company onto your next

of kin. However, I must warn you, Charlie, no one has ever won a Mexican drum off before. He's undefeated all time. However, you have a chance here and you seem very confident right now. You can use as much of the stage as you want. You could do anything comedic that you want on top of your solo. Use as much of the stage as you want. You can do anything comedic that you want on top of your solo. Lord knows Joel will. He said Joel has been quoted as saying he's willing to die up here on this stage before losing a Mexican drum off.

You guys ready to do this shit? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, defending for the first time ever, Pittsburgh's own Charlie Steps. Done? Is that it? All right, Charlie Steps ending it there. Ending it there with a lost drumstick. All right, Charlie. Maybe go sit on that stool right over there.

He can join Douglas, always looking for friends. There you go. Here, join Douglas over here. Come stand next to Douglas, Charlie. And I guess with no further ado, I present to you undefeated all-time in Mexican drum-offs. This guy started as a regular drummer for the band. He started saying things

into a microphone. We all fell in love with him. Pittsburgh, I present to you the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Oh, here he comes. I see it. He's coming. Oh, my God. What does he have?

What's he got here? Oh, he's got a fruit salad! Oh, my God. He's got a fruit salad in the purple dildo. Oh, my God. He's eating fruit. He's got the white dildo from Texas on his head right now. I thought I'd start out by eating fruit before I beat this fruit. You know what I'm saying? Oh, Jesus. Eating fruit before beating fruit. Ladies and gentlemen, he's making some adjustments to the drums. He's got both of his classic dildos on him. He's undefeated all time.

One dildo on the head, one on that giant fucking potato sack. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Kill Tony's own, Schoelberg Joel Jimenez. Thank you. Oh, here he comes. He's going out to the stage. Hold on. Wait a second. What's going out to the stage. Hold on. Wait a second. What's he doing?

What is he doing? Oh, backflip. Oh, here it comes. He's sucking his dildo. Oh, my God. He just, oh, what is it? Oh, a handspring. The handspring.

Oh, he's having sex with his bass drum. Oh, my God. What's he doing? Oh. Oh. He just hit the cymbal with the purple dildo. Oh. Get the fuck off my stage.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He's out of control. Wow. My goodness. Incredible performance. The classic backflip off the bass drum. The handspring. The sucking of his own purple dildo. He has detached the dildo from the strap-on apparatus. gentlemen, I have to ask, how many of you have Charlie Steps winning this Mexican drum off? Wow. Wow. Wow.

How many of you have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez winning? Huh? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, wait. Oh, he's going for it. Oh, he's got to take the dildo off his hand. Oh, look at that. Oh, my God.

A work of art. Wow. Well, Charlie, you gave it your all. Back to the small cleaning company for you. There he goes. Charlie Steps, everyone. Be careful going down there, Charlie. Oh, my goodness. Charlie just got sent to the motherfucking

chocolate factory. He got sent to the cleaners, dude. Yeah. Wow. just got sent to the motherfucking chocolate factory. You got sent to the cleaners, dude. Wow. Incredible. How about one more time for Joel Burg, Joel Jimenez, huh? Where'd you get the fruit salad from? Jeremiah, what are you doing over there? If the

show's going on, you don't need to just keep playing the saxophone behind everything. This is literally, you've been? If the show's going on, you don't need to just keep playing the saxophone behind everything. This is literally, you've been part of the show for like 300 episodes, and we've been telling you this. They were still clapping, so therefore I... Yeah, just let the listeners hear the claps. We don't need to hear your fucking great kazoo

over there, alright? Just let the show breathe a little bit sometimes. Catch your breath. I will retrieve into the hog's cave where I came from. It's okay. I'm used to evil lords seeking battle with me.

I will prevail as the white knight will always. An evil lord. Alright. Pulling another name out. Make some noise for your next comedian this is where the band will play sean frefeld everyone sean frefeld oh here he comes right from the front oh he's jeremiah's not playing now. One more time for Sean Frefeld, everybody. How's it going? I'm not used to this. This is the first time.

Probably one time only thing. But I just wanted to say from the bottom of my heart, since I'm from Miami, that your city sucks. It's terrible. It's wet. It's cold. Hear me out. Hear me out. Listen, listen, listen. I'm from a place where we have beaches, beautiful people. You guys are white. You're pasty like Elmer's glue. You look like Elmer Fudd. It's fucked up. It's all terrible.

Okay, okay. On a different subject. All this technology has been crazy recently. People use everything that's voice activated to activate. It's terrible. Alright, alright.

Wow. Good lord, Sean My goodness, maybe work out your Wacky tech jokes before you turn On heel on the city next time My god, you're like Colby Covington if he didn't know how to fight Yeah What did you expect to happen?

I have no fucking idea This is not my forte I came here with some schmuck who loves this show My god, do you hate I didn't expect to happen. Yeah. No, I have no fucking idea. This is not my forte. I came here with some schmuck who loves this show. My God. Do you hate everything, Sean? No, no, no. Why are you so angry? Not at all.

What's going on, buddy? Are you okay? Okay, guys, relax. It's all right. We know you're angry. It's a lot. It's a lot. You know, being up on a stage is not an easy thing.

I've done it before for music. Never forgotten. What have you done musically before? I make rap music. I rap. You rap? Oh, come on. Come on, guys.

I mean, I'm sorry. I know we all hate this guy, but don't you want to watch him rap a little bit? Come on. You want a beat? You want to wait for the drummer to come back? I'll take a beat. I can go acapella. I'll take a beat.

Okay, then let's do it a beat. I can go acapella. I'll take a beat. Okay, then let's do it acapella. You go acapella. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the most hated man in Pittsburgh, Sean Frefeld, doing a little acapella rap. I'll try to keep this clean, maybe even funnier than the stand-up. 305. From the 305. I'm actually from the 954. Sean, no one gives a fuck.

Are you going to rap or what? What the fuck? what are you doing? What are you covering? Ludacris's area codes over here? Get the fuck out of here. I think it's time for a girlfriend, but I'm too embarrassed to tell her that I'm 24 and still live with my parents.

I know I got a girl pair. It's apparent, but I got so much love for her and I don't want to share it, so I took her on a date, then another and another. I introduced her to my little sister and my brother. I wanted to know that she's the bread to my butter, the salt to my pepper. And I love her like no other. I wrote her this tune so that she would see that she and me go together like peas in a pod or trees in a park.

Want to hug her tight till I squeeze and she farts. That's just a little joke for all you kids at home. Hope you never have to feel like you is alone cause you not alone when you play this song. Somebody.

It's amazing. It's amazing. You guys are awesome. Sean, you are literally as good at stand-up comedy as you are at rap. Apparently.

Apparently. That's incredible. You rap in front of audiences or is it in the studio? Just one time. Just one time. It's ridiculous. Or at Macy's during the holiday season. I fucking worked at a Macy's.

You actually work at a Macy's? I worked at a Macy's doing something called seasonal floor recovery where you take shit off the fucking floor and put it back on the rack. Oh, my God. This audience hates you so much. That's okay. That's okay. Wow. My goodness gracious.

This is incredible. Amazing. Wow, Jesus. It's good. I love that beat. That is the representing the city, the world's deepest voice gay man. Welcome to Pittsburgh, bitch. Jesus Christ.

That guy wants to take you to the cultural district, bro. Teach you a fucking lesson. He wants to shove your pickle in his asshole, bro. You ever been with a man before, Sean? To the what? To this? You ever been with a man before sexually? With a man before. No, no. Never been with a man before. What's your love life? To this? You ever been with a man before sexually? With a man before.

No, no. Never been with a man before. What's your love life like? You have a girlfriend? No, no girlfriend right now. No? When's the last time you had a girlfriend? About a year and a half ago.

You hate women as much as you hate Pittsburgh? No, not at all. Let's check in with Douglas for a second. I'm not very good in front of people, but I think I could out-freestyle this guy. Oh! I love this idea. Douglas, you are clearly a very shy guy. You haven't even cracked a smile up here tonight.

You've never freestyled before, right, Douglas? Am I correct? Never in my life Wow, never in his life This is very exciting Would you guys like to see Douglas freestyle rap for the first time ever? Alright, here we go For his first time ever, ladies and gentlemen

Antisocial role player, Douglas Is this my tempo? Antisocial role player, Douglas. Is this my tempo? Whenever you want. Any way you want it, Douglas. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I'm in Pittsburgh, repping black and yellow. About to take down this idiot, this dumb fellow.

He's rocking these skinny jeans. He's trying to spit mean, but you don't know what you wear, bitch. You in my dreams. I'll fight you like a knight, like every knight, and the flow is so tight, and I'm so white, and I got these glasses about to whip your asses, and I'll go straight up to a maid, and I'll be like damn girl

man you don't come at Pittsburgh like that because guess what Pittsburgh snaps back so go back to Miami where the heat is on and go get on your gay man thong Aim me where the heat is on and go get on your gay man thong. Wow. Walk in the beaches while I take your beaches. Slurping up the ice cream. Suck down peaches. Peaches is the name of your boyfriend, cuz. You suck dick like nobody does.

Oh, my God. Black and yellow for life, bitch. Whoa! Oh my God. Sean, you just got bodied by a dragon. Draconio. Wow. Well, Sean, I mean, you came up here.

You did just about everything as backwards as it gets. You turned the audience against you right from the beginning. Oh, yeah. I'd love to know what that tech joke was going to be, but we're going to keep the show moving along. How about one more time for Sean Freefeld, everybody? You guys want to boo him? Boo this man. There he goes. Okay. All right. Douglas, Douglas riding the high from his first ever freestyle battle. Wow. Wow.

Is this what prom is like? My God. How about one more time for Douglas over here? Just incredible. Absolutely incredible. How fun. Okay. We're. Absolutely incredible. How fun. Okay. We're going to keep it moving along.

You guys having fun out there yet? You understand the show? All right. The next name that I've pulled is Lee Ebersole. Lee Ebersole, you're next on Kill Tony. Live from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Lee Ebersole, here he comes. Step back from that ledge, my friend.

Step back from that ledge. One more time for Lee Ebersole, everybody. Here he is. Thank you. My name is Lee Ebersole. I'm from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Have nothing bad to say about the city. Pretty much enjoy my time here.

It's a great city to live in. The weather's decent. It's not too bad. You get all four seasons I play a little bit of saxophone a lot of saxophone that's pretty much all I do pretty much just spend my time playing saxophone

and looking forward to a good time pretty much all I do my time playing saxophone and looking forward to a good time. Pretty much all I do is play the saxophone, and I'm so good at it. It's embarrassing, but it's not like there's a saxophone near us or anything like that. But never seen Kill Tony. I apologize. I enjoy the good time we're having. I walked here with my roommate and time we're having. I walked here with my roommate and his girlfriend

who should be up here. Just really playing the saxophone is... Hell yeah. Alright. I'm going to save you, Lee, before that bear comes in. Pretty much just solidly playing the saxophone, not professionally, but really well. And a lot of compliments

on how I played it. Is that the bear already? I didn't even hear the cat. Lee, stick with me over here. I'm just curious if anybody else plays the saxophone as good as I do, because I bet there's a lot of bears. Lee, okay. Hello, Lee. Welcome. Have you ever seen the show before?

I haven't, actually. Well, welcome, welcome. I'm glad that guys like you buy random tickets for random shows and then sign up on your way in. My roommate gave me the ticket. His buddy was his birthday, and he was shitting his pants, and he couldn't make it. So he's like, do you want to go? And I was like, yeah, I'll go. Heck yeah, beautiful. I haven't seen you since season six of Breaking Bad.

This is exciting. Very fun stuff. So, Lee, welcome. How long have you played the saxophone for? Pretty much just solidly playing the saxophone my whole life. You said that you live close to here? I don't play the saxophone. Oh, you don't play the saxophone.

No, I'm just really good at it. Do you or don't you, Lee? I do. Okay. You sure blow pretty hard. 100%. I'm so good at it. I don't understand why you would say that. You're confusing you, Lee? I do. Okay. You sure blow pretty hard. 100%. I'm so good at it. I don't understand why you would say

that. You're confusing me, Lee. Why? Because either you do or you don't play the saxophone. You do play it. I play it really well. Do you have a saxophone on you? I don't. Unfortunately, I don't. How far away from here do you live? Not far. I could be

back. I mean, if you want to take a break. Oh, we're not going to take a break, but if you want to go get a saxophone and come... I actually't. No, you don't. Unfortunately, I don't. How far away from here do you live? Not far. I could be back. I mean, if you want to take a break. Oh, we're not going to take a break. But if you want to go get a saxophone and come. I actually could. Yeah. Let's do that. You go home, get your saxophone, and come back. No problem.

I'll be back. Okay. Lee Ebersole. Security. Let this man back in. Give him an access pass or something so that he can get his saxophone and come back. And maybe, just maybe, we'll end this show with our first

ever saxophone battle. That's right. It would be our first ever in the show's history white man saxophone battle. Wait, what the hell? That's karma for you. You're out here slaying people with rap, and then all of a sudden a professional saxophone player comes in.

Welcome to my life. Wow, Miami isn't so bad. I sure hope you can backflip. Yeah, you got any dildos upstairs you can grab? All right. Well, you might have to have something up your sleeve there, Douglas.

Yeah. I am shitting bricks right now. Come on! Earlier in the show, you were loving playing extra saxophone. You don't want to have to do it later at the end of the show? Come on. You like playing over us when we're moving the show along

and talking about the next segments. You've always wanted to live in Pittsburgh. You love bridges and rivers and getting hit in the head with Cleveland Browns helmets and whatnot. You know what I mean? You fucking fucks. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I was on the Steelers side. I'm not even a Browns fan. Okay. I'm from Youngstown. Black and yellow is much better than orange and brown. All right. Okay. Pulled another name out.

Make some noise for your next comedian, Jeff Gurdon. Jeff Gurdon. Here we go. Crowd goes wild. Here comes Jeff. Right from the front. ¶¶ One more time for Jeff, everybody. How you all doing? Whoo! Hey, I'm Jeff.

I'm a garbage man from Buffalo! Hey, I'm Jeff. I'm a garbage man from Buffalo. Well, everybody from Buffalo is garbage. I mean, I drive a garbage truck, and I live in Buffalo. Actually, I don't live in the city. I live about an hour south. People like to ask me if the carpet matches the drapes.

I don't know, man. My neighbor's got a Confederate flag on the back of his snowmobile, and you think I know the drapes. I don't know, man. My neighbor's got a Confederate flag on the back of his snowmobile, and you think I know what drapes are? What the fuck? My mom's a woke gym teacher. A real whistleblower. My mom's boyfriend

is a high school wrestling coach. A real dick. He's not an asshole or anything. His name's Dick. Gets even better, though. His last name is Post. My mom's boyfriend is Dick Post. All right, thanks, guys.

Hell yeah, Jeff Gurdon. Alright, thanks guys Hell yeah, Jeff Gurdon Jeff Gurdon I remember you from Cleveland, Ohio Oh, thanks man You're the garbage man from Buffalo Easy to remember We made a lot of jokes about you being a garbage man

Then And you're the least garbage comedian That's been on this stage tonight, so that's exciting. Actually, we found a little buried treasure here in you, the garbage man. So that's true, your mom has a boyfriend named Dick? Oh, yeah, Dick Post.

Yeah, I got it. How about your dad? Your dad's still alive? Yeah, I think so. What do you mean you think so? I haven't seen him since I was about four. Oh, really? What does he do now?

You have any idea? As far as I know, the last time I heard, he's a horse massage therapist. Whoa, man. From dick post to horse cock. Look at this fucking shit. That's incredible. Horse massage therapist. You ever try to communicate with him or reach out to him?

No. May, I think you mean. Let's check in with Douglas. Yes, we are looking for a young wizard for our quest. Would you like to apply? What do you like to do for fun? You ever do any role-playing or anything like that? No, none of that nerdy shit.

You like whipping feet? Yeah, just basically music and comedy. Other than comedy, what else? Music. I've been in bands before. What kind of bands? Skinner cover bands? I'm going to kill myself if you say saxophone right now.

No, it's basically like blues rock, like Neil Young type shit. Uh-huh. Hell yeah. What do you do? You sing? You play guitar? What is it? Oh, I play drums. And thank God that guy played drums, because I don't want to get my ass kicked again, because that happened last time. Oh, that's right. Oh, you lost a drum off before. You're one of the many victims. Smart man.

Oh, yeah. Mad respect. Fuck yeah. You had a lot better set this time, right, than you did last time? I don't know. Last time went fucking surprisingly well. Yeah, it went really. It went way better than I thought it could have.

Yeah, it went really, really well. I remember that specifically going extremely well for you. One of the highlights of that show at Hilarity's in Cleveland. We're going to be in Cleveland tomorrow night at the House of Blues. So that's exciting stuff. Have you ever been at work listening to the podcast in your earphones and we say trash can and you go

how do they know? Yeah, that's one thing. I find it really offensive when you guys call a red band trash can. It's very disrespectful to all garbage men everywhere. Fucking give him a break, y'all. I love it. Jesus.

Jeff, you have a girlfriend? Yeah, yeah, I do. Right. How long you been with her? Like seven or eight years now. Oh, wow. How long is that in garbage time? Hell yeah. Do you take her out every Tuesday?

Wow. Look at that. What does she do for work? She has two jobs right now but she's getting her master's in mental health counseling. So yeah, she's a fucking saint. I love her. You ever think of recycling her and getting another girlfriend?

My goodness. No, man, I live in such a garbage town. They don't recycle out there. They call recyclables like burnables. That's what we do in my town. Wow, you hate recyclables. burnables. That's what we do in my town. Wow. You hate recyclables. You hate recycling, huh?

No, I just kind of hate all the rednecks that I live around. You know you can move. That's a thing that people do. Yeah, I know. Okay. Yeah. What does your girlfriend tell her friends what you do for a living? Does she say trash man or does she make up something?

He works in... I hope she's not ashamed of me, but she should be, I guess. I don't know. She must cheat on you. Oh, my God. Redband. Jesus Christ. Redband reaching for some of those...

You guys can call them Trash Can All You Want. There we go. Oh wow, there you go. You guys want to all do it together one time? One, two, three. Trash Can. Jeff, what's something crazy about you that we haven't found out the other times that you've been on the show? I don't know.

About a month ago, I found this really weird. We were at a Halloween party at a bar. And some guy got in my face and threatened to kick my ass because I stopped his friend from touching girls' asses in the bar. Ah. So somebody wanted to kick my ass for stopping sexual assault, and I'm kind of confused by it. Right. Was I doing the wrong thing?

Yeah, why are you cock-blocking, dude? Jesus. Yeah. I mean, my goodness. Wow, yeah, there's a girl out there that is mad at you for doing that. What a dirty, dirty girl that is right there. She's been drunk since before the show started. Oh, okay.

You should be proud. Wow, very good. She's pregnant too. Yeah, that's the there you go, future mother of Pittsburgh right there. There she is, everybody. Fuck yeah. That's it. Look at that walking abortion maker right there

incredible there you go absolutely yeah go ahead can I ask what's going on with the big girl and Jeremy Piven are they going to roast battle come on no come on Jeff we don't need to talk about that here that's a whole nother show

another time a whole nother different issue that we don't have time to cover. Alright, Jeff. Well, very fun stuff. Both times you've been on this show, you've done well. Very exciting stuff. You are a garbage man, but a great human.

Thank you. Thank you. Jeff Gurdon, everybody. He's on social media, Jeff Gurdon. J-E-F-F-G-R-D-E-N. That's deep. There he goes. He's wearing a Bone Zone shirt. Look at that.

One of my favorite characters from Grand Theft Auto right there. Ooh, some red Sharpie here. How about Russell? Boy, that's some bad handwriting. Russell, yeah, is that Richards? Yeah, okay, Russell Richards. Here we go. The side is frightful, and there's all the light bulb.

There's no place to go. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. Oh, shit, we know this guy. Make some noise for Russell Richards, everyone. Come on. Okay, okay. I'm really nervous I'm going to pass out or I got a boner. Okay. So I'm a bachelor. I've been a bachelor all my life. And as a bachelor, I date women my own age. I'm 62. Okay. So that should be funny, right? All right. So I was talking to my nephew and he says, hey, uncle, is it true you're actually having sexual activities with a 62-year-old woman? I said, yes. I got to ask you, what does a 62-year-old

woman's vajayjay taste like? Whoa. Once you get past the smell, you got it licked. tastes like. Whoa. Once you get past the smell, you got it licked. I find that older women, come on, stay with me. I find that older women like to be comfortable and I respect that. They've been around a long time, right? So that's why I ensure that my automobile is always equipped with tilt steering because older women like tilt steering for more headroom. because older women like toilet steering for more headroom. So I found out what the difference is between a grandmother and a granddaughter. The taste. Oh, my God.

Russell Richards. Wow, he's so happy. For those of you just listening, he is celebrating victory up here right now. I'm so, thank you, I'm so nervous. What? I'm just very nervous, I'm very nervous. Hell yeah, there you are, Russell. Look at you, you look like the guy that answers the door at a haunted house.

Oh my goodness. Goodness gracious. Hell yeah, Russell. Fuck yeah. So you've been a bachelor all your life. Is that true? Well, I was married once when I was 21 for three years. I didn't like it.

I didn't like it at all. Why didn't you like it? What was going on there? Well, the sex was great, but you got to talk after you're done with that. Oh, wow. What did you guys talk about? Not much. Hey, I got you laughing, man.

All right, don't do that. You're scaring me. Oh, no. So, Russell, I can't quite figure you out. You look like you umpire for a ghost baseball team. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness gracious, Russell. Wow.

So what do you do for work? I'm retired. You're retired. What did you used to do? I worked for Boeing. I was a field service rep. Oh, you used to work for Boeing. Yeah, I worked all around the world.

Unbelievable job. About, what, 27 years, yeah. Heck yeah, that's awesome. Africa, Middle East, China. My last time was Mongolia. Oh, wow. Lived there for four years. You know what it means

when you live in Mongolia four years? That means you've been there for three winters. Uh-huh. Yeah. I got a true story. I was with the guy. I bet that joke kills in Mongolia.

I was with the guy up on the Siberian border, and I saw 52 Below Zero. And I actually asked him this. Is that Fahrenheit or Celsius? And he actually told me in English it doesn't matter. Joe Rogan did a bit about that. And I laughed my ass off when he said it because that guy actually said that to me. Hell yeah. True story.

52 Below Zero is also the name of a Siberian boy band. It's because it's so cold, like 98 degrees. He's lying to you. That's not true. That's not true. I don't know what you just said, Russell. So you're done with Boeing. You're retired now.

So what do you do now? What do you like to do? Doing this. I've been following you. I was in D.C. I'll be in Cleveland tomorrow. Oh, very cool. I can't believe I got called up. Heck yeah. And I've been, you know, I did a lot of instruction when I was working in aviation. You want to throw some comedy in there. So I kind of was talking to people and instructing on the airplane. I would throw comedy in there. But this is my only second time doing this. Right, right. So now what do you do, like, as hobbies when you're not coming here? I build scale plastic model airplanes.

Oh, look at that. Fuck yeah. So you're a serial killer. Cool. That's amazing. Never would have guessed. No, I'm not a serial killer. No.

Heck yeah. I'm a pretty nice guy, really. I would have guessed. No, I'm not a serial killer. No. Heck yeah. I'm a pretty nice guy, really. You know, if you're ever wondering for an easier way to get rid of people's bodies, I know a garbage man that I could introduce you to that would incinerate them for you. Nice guy. Nice guy. Fuck yeah. Wow. So when's the last time that you've been with a woman, Russell? When's the last time you had sexual relations with a live body?

Uh-oh, he's looking at his watch. 3.30. Really? Yeah. You hooked up with someone here in Pittsburgh? Yeah, I have a friend here. Oh, look at you. Did you whip her feet?

Yeah. The year was 3.30 A.D. Wow. So 330 here in Pittsburgh, huh? Yeah, yeah. My goodness. And this is someone that you've been with before, or was this a first-time hookup?

Before. Uh-huh. Look at you. You have hoes in different area coats, Russell. This is very impressive. Well, you know. I guess it's pretty easy to hook up with chicks when you live under their beds.

You're giggling. It's not you. It's me, dude. Oh, my goodness. I love it. I love it. I can't believe they killed you in the last episode of House of Cards. It's crazy.

Shocking to me. That's a real inside reference. I've never seen any of it. No, I know. Most people couldn't make it through that last season. No, I live overseas. It's very unrealistic. They made a female president, but that didn't work because you stepped on my line three times, Russell. How does that make you feel, knowing that you're taking away from comedy?

I apologize. There you go. That's a different thing altogether. So what else should we know about you, Russell? Any fun facts about you? Okay, I've been told I've been told I have something called the dick root

The dick root? I didn't know, I was not aware of that Did you ask them what they meant by that? Yeah, it's the it's the trunk of the dick I didn't know that, I have a apparently I have a very defined dick root I didn't know that. Apparently, I have a very defined dick root. I don't know.

Joel, put it away, Joel. You got one joke? You got a dick root? Yeah. I bet my dick root is bigger than your dick root. Whoa. I think Russell wants to suck your dick root, dude. A root of...

You're scary. I'm a nice guy, really. Is that what you say to the people when you pop open the trunk for a second? Oh, my goodness. You made me laugh on that one. I got you, Mr. Hinchcliffe. That's nothing scarier than being called Mr. Hinchcliffe. That's nothing scarier than being called Mr. Hinchcliffe. That's another first.

You're popping cherries like crazy up here, Russell. So if you were going to murder a young innocent woman on the streets, how would you do it? Do you think strangulation? Come up behind her

and take the knife and slice her jugular. Okie dokie. That was a pretty quick answer. Almost seemed like you had that already thought out. Oh my god. Oh my god. And then you do a little kung fu like she's gonna get up from it?

You know he's done this before because he used the anatomical term jugular. Oh my god. I was in the military. We learned about that. Oh yeah? What branch from the military were you in? 82nd Airborne Division. Wow.

That's an American hero right here. Heck, yeah. Look at you. My goodness gracious. A long time ago when I was young, slim, and strong. Heck, yeah. I had a bigger dick root then. All right.

We don't wrestle. Your dick root is literally the most frightening thing I've ever heard of. It's the scariest thing about you, which says a lot. Okay. All right. Okay. So, wow. Did you ever fight overseas?

No, no. I was in a long time ago. I was too young for Vietnam and too old for the deserts. I got right in the seam. Beautiful. No combat. I love it. Well, there you go.

But I would have fought. Don't worry about that. I would have. Abso-fucking-lutely. A proud American you are and the type of shape and size of person that we love to have on this show. How many times have you done stand-up comedy? Second time. First time was in Causey's Comedy Club, Newport News, Virginia.

This is the second time. Very good. Congratulations. Very nervous. This is the second time ever on stage, everybody. Make some noise for Russell Richards. Fuck yeah, buddy. Absolutely.

There he goes. The body temperature of a real corpse, everyone. Russell Richards. Let it snow, let it snow. Let's keep this fun train moving along. All aboard. Chugga chugga. There goes Russell back to his seat.

He's floating back to his seat. Just his feet are not touching the ground. Alright. Here we go. This name actually looks familiar. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Anthony Cantu. Anthony Cantu.

I believe I've seen that name before somewhere. Rings a bell. All right. Is Anthony coming? I don't see any movement here. Anthony Cantu? I don't see anyone moving. Oh, boy.

Anthony must be going potty or something, huh? Snapping went off. Anthony Cantu? Blacklisted. All Alright, sure. Okay, how about Chuck Davidson? Chuck Davidson, huh? Here he comes. Ladies and gentlemen,

I present to you Chuck Davidson. What's going on, everybody? My name's Chuck. I'm from Pittsburgh, born and raised. I'm 34 and neck deep in a midlife crisis. 2019 has been a weird year. I was married for 10 years, and she traded me in a Pittsburgh 6 for a South Carolina 4. But he's got a trailer and a boat.

It's pretty sweet. But being single has kind of been, like, the best thing that's ever happened to me before. I'm doing fun stuff. I'm on all these crazy apps. I see all of the cute girls' fat friends. It's nice. You also run into some crazy people. You also run into some crazy people.

I met someone on an app 48 hours ago, and they felt comfortable enough to tell me that their ex-boyfriend almost beat them half to death. And you wonder why you people can't find anyone to stick around with. I've literally known you for less than two days, and you're telling me your deepest, darkest secrets. And I'm just a stranger on the internet. Thanks, guys. That was crazy.

There you go. Chuck Davidson. So she told you that after two days? I matched with her. Today's what? Saturday? I matched with her Thursday. She told me that on Friday.

She told you that. So she told you that yesterday, the day after, that you matched with her. Correct. So you guys never met in person? No. She told you via message that her ex-boyfriend beat her half to death? Correct. Did she say why? What she did wrong?

Is it the... Come on, Pittsburgh. You know what the fuck's up with beating women. Come on, make some noise. Yeah, Ben Roethlisberger style, dude. Fuck yeah. Wow. So that's interesting stuff.

This woman that left you, how long were you with her for? 12 years. 12 years. And when did this happen? When did she leave you high and dry? May. May of this year. Correct. My goodness. And when did this happen? When did she leave you high and dry? May. May of this year. Correct.

My goodness. And it came out of nowhere? I mean, to be honest, the relationship kind of degraded the last couple years. But was she seeing somebody else? Yeah. Yeah. And who was this guy? Do you know him?

Some random guy that she used to be with when she lived in South Carolina like over a decade ago. Right. And now he lives up here? No. They just started communicating online or something like that? I'm sure. Right. So, wow. Look at that. Incredible. What was your first rebound? What was that like? First rebound? Yeah. It was just awkward. When the last time I dated was 2007 and I had gotten my first smartphone after I met this woman. Got your first what? My first smartphone. Like, the dating.

Smart. Smartphone. Sorry. Smartphone. I'm super nervous. Like, the dating platform has changed completely in that time. Of course. Yeah.

It's a whole new world out there. So your first hookup, how'd that happen? What app were you on, or how'd that go down? It was Bumble new world out there. So your first hookup, how'd that happen? What app were you on or how'd that go down? It was Bumble. Uh-huh. It was just some chick that just said, hey, here's my number. Come over to my house tonight. Did you whip her feet?

All right. There you go. So then you hit her up and you went to her place? Yes. And then what happened? You just jumped right on top of her? Basically, you sit there and you fake conversation for like a half hour. Half hour, right.

And then it's just straight to business. Right. So then what? You take your clothes off and you just shoved it in? Condom? No condom? Condom for sure. Right.

Condom for sure. Have you ever had non-condom sex yet with one of these women that you've met online? What? Absolutely. What was that, Douglas? We'll check in with both of you. What'd you say? I said what?

Oh, okay. And you said absolutely, correct, Chuck? Yes. Right, and which one was that? This was a chick that you hooked up with a couple times? Yeah, I saw her for about a month. Oh, wow. I courted a girl for nine years and nothing came of it.

Wow. So you hung out with her for a while. This was here in Pittsburgh? Correct. What did she do? She worked at a gemstone place. Ooh. Lucky.

Look at that. So she believed in crystals and shit? Is that what you're Ooh. Oh. Lucky. Hey, look at that. So she believed in crystals and shit? Is that what you're saying? Oh, Jesus. She didn't make me crystals, but that's basically what she did, was deal with that shit. Are you still with this woman? No. Interesting.

Wow. So you went raw dog with her, huh? Yeah. A few times? Yeah. Where would you shoot your load when you would pull out, if you, huh? Yeah. A few times? Yeah. Where would you shoot your load when you would pull out, if you pulled out? What would you do there?

Because you seem like the kind of guy that would bring your own wet nap and fire it off into there or something like that. It was just straight inside. Whoa! Jesus Christ. Wow. Critical hit! Look at that. My God. Jesus Christ.

Just squirting away like a fucking Heinz ketchup bottle over here. What? She requested it. Wow. She told you to come inside of her? Oh, my God. I feel like if you made a baby, it would come out with glasses already on. Good Lord, Douglas.

Is she on birth control, or are you just saying prayers? She said she was. Checks out. Wow. Yeah. You can only take a person on their word. Absolutely. I mean, you could be a father, you know,

like it could ruin your whole entire life just by trusting her. Okay. It would just add to the year. It would be perfect. What do you do for work? I'm manager Kinko's. Whoa, look at that. One on the Kinko, two in the Stinko.

Look at you, you goddamn animal. Someone knows how to fucking party, right? Have you ever had dragon style sex before? Oh, dragon style. Can you explain to us what that is, Douglas? Sure. It's very similar to doggy style, but you get a mouthful of binaca and you grab a lighter and then

you spit the binaca at the lighter and you go, who's the dragon now? You are on fire tonight, Douglas. Wow.

What's the craziest thing you've ever done sexually, Chuck? Sexually, I don't know. Girls are really into, like, choking nowadays. Uh-huh. So, like, she has to be lightly choked, so I, like, started to do it, and then she grabbed her hand and just put, like, a death grip. And that's while you're having sex with her? Yes.

Yeah. The last comedian, Russell Richards, does that to women without even putting his dick inside of them. It's very exciting. Does that to women that he sees on the sidewalk. He didn't like that one, Russell? No? You don't like that? It's weird what you like and what you don't like.

I figured you would like that callback to you beating a serial killer. Wow. Wow. So, Chuck, what else should we find out about you before we let you go? All I've been doing is just trying to rebuild my life and start a podcast, launched it this week. It's all about how crazy it is to date this, you know, after such a long time. Right.

Heck, yeah. I mean, you're an old school dude. You're working at a fucking Kinko's. Yeah. Making copies. Faxing time. Right. Heck yeah. I mean, you're an old school dude. You're working at a fucking Kinko's. Making copies. Faxing people. Doing that. How long you work at a Kinko's now? I've been there five years. Oh my goodness. That is exciting.

I'm surprised you just even have to be on these apps. Normally guys that work at Kinko's just rake in all the pussy. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like, that'll be five cents a copy, but for you, babe, fuck, I'm not buying it. Shit. Grows on trees.

Alright, Chuck. Well, I mean, fun stuff, dude. You're talking about your real life. You're getting it out there. You're talking about stuff that you actually can relate to, that you can connect with, and that's interesting and compelling. So congratulations. This is a great start.

First time on stage? Yeah, first time ever doing stand-up. Chuck Davidson, there he goes, everybody. Make some noise for him. He's doing it. Come on. That dude will come inside of you if you ask him to. What a world we live in. What a world we live in.

What a world we live in. All you have to do is tell him. Okay. All right. Okay, this is a one-word name. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Kuba. K-U-B-A.

Whoa, there's a pop from the crowd. It seems to be a controversial figure. Here he comes. One more time for Kuba, everybody. Since the July, I was in a relationship with a blind girl until she started seeing other people. You didn't see this one coming. Neither did she. But dating in America is way different than dating in Poland.

Back in Poland, when I went on a date, I used to hope to have sex. Here, I hope she's the right sex. No one here had sex with a tranny? I thought America was the home of the brave. I couldn't believe the balls on some of you Alright, thank you guys My name is Kuba Kuba

In and out, 50 seconds Kuba Fuck yeah, you've been on the show before, right? Yes sir, last time in Pittsburgh Last time you were here in Pittsburgh, absolutely And look at you, you're back, you little Polish sensation, you. So happy. Hell yeah. So happy. Absolutely. Definitely. Normally, you would be the most serial killer type of character that's been on this show so far, but Russell Richards is a championship belt at this point, strapped

around him, the old double champ over here. I love it. So welcome back to the show. You live here in Pittsburgh. Yep. Originally from Poland. Yes, sir. Yes, indeed. The home of the great Joanna Janjacek. Yep.

MMA fighter. MMA fighter, indeed. So we just found out that she has a chance to win the Strawweight Championship again. Did you know this? April 18th, she has a rematch for the championship that she lost previously. I did not know that, but I'm excited for my Polish woman. It's the only thing that's happening with any Polish athletes. You guys aren't very good at sports.

She's the only one. No. You play any sports? I used to swim. You used to swim? 16 years. Six years? 16.

16 years. How long? How long did you do years? 16. 16 years. How long? How long did you do it? 16. Wow. You swam for 16 years. So that's how you got here from Poland, huh? All right.

That's a little cutie pie joke. That's a cutie pie joke for my family members that aren't used to hard-hitting comedy. Just a little something. Just to show you I can still be a good little boy. What you do, swim here? Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. All right. I love it.

So, Poland, you ever communicate with your Polish parents? All the time on Sundays. What? He said all the time on Sundays. On Sundays. Is that what you said? Yes. What's wrong?

You getting shy over here? Yeah, it's my accent. Oh, it's okay. Come on. Geez. I haven't seen you this sad since the Chernobyl incident. My goodness gracious. Does your accent ever help you in life?

You have a girlfriend? No, I thought it would help with ladies, but it doesn't. I thought that would help me with the ladies, but it doesn't. How about you? When's the last time you went on a date with a girl? Back in Poland. Back in Poland? Aww. How long have you been here in America? Eight years.

Eight years? Have you kissed a girl since being in America? I told you it's confusing in here. So, no? No? No. Wow. Wow.

I've seen you set up a lot of people on this show with other people. Yeah. What? Douglas. What, Douglas? You tell me. I would like for you to join my campaign. I think together we can defeat the evil spirit called celibacy.

So you haven't kissed an American girl before? No. Is there a girl out there that would be willing to give this guy his first ever American kiss? Is there a girl? Is this one right here? Come on up here, sweetheart. Here she comes.

This is a real American girl. Cuba, put this mic in the mic stand here. Pittsburgh. I don't know. This the mic stand here. Pittsburgh. I don't know. This guy's been here eight years. Do you want to see him kiss an American girl for the first time ever? Come here. What's your name?

Katerina. Wow, you have a little Polish name. Look at these two Europeans. Look at this. A Russian and a Polack walk into a bar. Here we go. You ready for this? Only in Kill Tony Pittsburgh 2019,

this is his first American kiss. Whoa! Wow, Katerina, You're a legend! Holy shit! Oh my god! Kuba's bending at the knee right now. Oh my goodness. Wow!

Look at that, he's got a little Polish sausage in his pants right now. Oh my goodness. Celibacy, go back to the cave when you came. This is the best $36 I ever spent. Oh, wow. Can I just say I had an angle on that kiss that the audience didn't, and he was definitely trying to shove way more tongue down her throat.

Oh, I know. Yeah. I've heard of a French kiss, but that was a Polish kiss, dude. That was fucking... There was some election meddling going on in that fucking thing there. My goodness gracious, Cuba. Wow. Did you almost come in your pants?

Like, I mean, it's been a while. There you go. It's pretty dry. Pretty dry? Hell yeah. My goodness. Wow. Cuba, so what's the plan now?

I mean, like, you just had your first American kiss. Do you think this is going to help you with your confidence with the American girls? I think so. The plan now is to go home and aggressively masturbate. Yeah. Yeah? I think so. The plan now is to go home and aggressively masturbate. Yeah, I think so. I think you're going to have to fucking... Yeah, I think you're going to have to do that.

So, Cuba, I mean, probably the set of the night so far, you had your first American kiss. We understand you clearly. Your accent isn't that thick at all. What if his accent went away entirely after he kissed the girl? I'm having the time of my life, Tony. It was all fake.

All right, Cuba. This was a massive accomplishment. You feel good? I feel great. There you go. Cuba, everybody. We're going to keep it moving. Thank you, guys.

Absolutely. There you go. Fuck yeah. What a nice guy. He's a wild and crazy guy. There he is. Wow. Looks like Cuba's having a little missile crisis in his pants right now. My goodness gracious.

How about one more time for Katerina? I love it when on Kill Tony we have the most amazing fan base. These women that are fans of this show are literally willing to do anything to help the show. So thank you, Katerina. You're a boss indeed. How about we keep it moving along. Your next comedian goes by the name of Connor Swigler, everyone. What can happen next?

Anything on Kill Tony live in Pittsburgh. It's the Game of Thrones song again. One more time for Connor, everybody. I've got big feet, so you know what that means, right? I look like an asshole trying to put on skinny jeans. Any parents in the audience? Well, I got a little tip for you. If your family goes through more than two boxes of sandwich bags a month,

someone in your house is selling drugs. I'm not going to lie to you guys. I'm not the sharpest knife in the sandbox. I only learned how to spell apparently because of the song. I mean, motherfucker. I only learned how to spell respect

because of the Aretha Franklin song. So now I'm just waiting for the next positive song to come along to teach me how to spell apparently. I'm a dum-dum. I'll admit it. Thank you. I spent my time.

Connor Swigler. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Wow. Which one of the many Pittsburgh bridges do you live under? My goodness. You look like you're fresh off a barrel fire. He looks like nobody ever found Waldo.

I actually came from one of your least favorite places in the world, upstate New York. Upstate New York, hell yeah. Definitely. Did you come in the back of his garbage truck? No, no, no. What part, Albany? Well, I'm originally from near Binghamton,

but I came from Rochester. Oh, Rochester. Yeah. See, Buffalo's like an island that I can sort of withstand, but everywhere else, just unacceptable. I'll never be there again. I'll never be where you live. Think about that. Really soak that in for a second. I'm not mad at you, Tony.

No, I know. I've never seen anyone look like both Jay and Silent Bob at the same time before. It's incredible. Yo! If you want to see, I actually have a picture of a comedian from Rochester who looks like Louis J. Gomez and Big J. Oakerson. Oh, okay. Well, you're

going to have to show that to me sometime via online messaging or something like that. Even if it says it's unread, I read it. Don't worry about it. Wow. So, Connor, let's talk about it. How old are you?

I'm 25. 25. First time doing stand-up? No, I've been doing it for two years in June. Oh, okay. Was this after Snow White fired you? Why would Snow White fire her? He looks like one of the seven dwarves grown up.

Oh, wow. That is... Just play the drums, bitch. By the way, if you're wondering what that sound effect is, that is my mother. This was recorded this morning because she said that... What was the context of this? She said that every once in a while,

you're just completely off with your jokes, and she said, stick with the drums, bitch. This is my mother. Just play the drums, bitch. And then that's my mom. And then she made me breakfast. It was beautiful. And then her

boyfriend slash husband, whatever the fuck they are, he has another one here. What's that one again? Well, that was a good one. That's Pat. Good old Pat. If you could see him, it's even 30 times funnier because he's just a really mellow, good guy

but he doesn't know a goddamn thing about comedy. He doesn't know what a good one or a bad one is anyway, but he still will criticize you once in a while. Well, that was a good one. These were both recorded today, added to the soundboard today. You're the first live shows to ever hear them.

My mother and what many people would call my stepfather. We are coming fresh off of a night in Youngstown. These guys ate at my dad's Italian restaurant last night. Anything you'd like to say about that, guys? Any input for these Pittsburghians? Anything that Tony has mentioned about his dad being a badass gangster is more than true.

Oh, yeah. I was shocked my mouth was agape at certain moments where Tony had to tell me to close it. Jeremiah, be cool. You've already said too much. Yeah, we're going to keep it moving along. There's a red dot on your forehead. Connor, did I ask you what you do for a living?

I work at a distillery. You work in a distillery? Yeah. Heck yeah. Absolutely. And what do you do for fun? Any hobbies or special skills or talents or anything like that? Not particularly. I mean, I draw a little bit,

but not very well. Potion making, sword whittling. Oh, those are some of your hobbies? Yeah, you know. What kind of whittling do you do? Sword whittling. Wow. How many swords have you whittling do you do? Sword whittling. Sword whittling? Yeah. Oh, wow.

How many swords have you whittled? Oh, 17. 17? Man. Balsa wood is the most compliant. Wow. That is some big-time whittling. All right, Connor.

Well, we're going to keep this fun train moving along. You are a good spirit, a good soul, and at 25, two years in, I say, you know, keep hustling, man, keep writing and working. You're there in Rochester. Do the Rochester Club. Do Albany. Make the drive all the way around upstate New York through all that dog shit unacceptable.

Move the fuck out of that place. That's the plan, homie. I'm sorry I wrote my name so shitty. My last name is Swagler. Swagler, uh-huh. Yep, you have really bad handwriting. I'm sorry I wrote my name so shitty. My last name is Swagler. Swagler. Uh-huh. Yep, you have really bad handwriting. I'm terrible, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can't imagine how bad your drawings must be if you can't even... I told you, cartoons. You can't even write your own name. All right, there he goes, Connor Swagler, everyone. Thank you, Tony. You got it. Okay, Jared Trinkler, you're next. Jared Trinkler.

Oh, Jesus. He's coming from this crew of Miami Floridians here. They can't believe it. They're hugging right now. The two guys that have gotten up from Miami just hugged when Jared got pulled. Here he is, Jared Trinkler. Thank you, thank you. So a little bit of context. I had no idea

what this show was or what this was about. These two guys dragged me here. I know you're Tony, you fuck, you don't, and you play the sound. So that's the gist of this show from what I understand. I came with these two guys here, Foot Whipping Levi

and Stealer Slandering Sean down here. And, yeah. So, just continuing on the train of bad performances. So, I didn't really come up with any stand-up material, so I'm just going to do... I'm just going to do... I'm just going to, for the next 20 seconds –

for the next 20 – So how about the Steelers? How about the Pittsburgh Steelers? Can you play the meow sound? All right, there you go. That's your time, Jared. Thank you. This has all been wonderful.

This is dog shit as it gets. Just a clump of dog shit humans here. There he goes, Jared Trinkler. You can put the mic back in the mic stand. There you go. You're done, Jared. Thank you. Jared, you're all done.

No one wants to talk with you. Put the mic in the mic. No, it's okay. Thank you. Jared, you're all done. No one wants to talk with you. Put the mic in the mics. No, it's okay. Go ahead. Jared Trinkler, everybody. There he goes. Jared Trinkler. Back to obscurity you go. It's that way, buddy. There you go. It's a long walk to back to the front. Jesus Christ. My God.

Hey, can the guy from Boeing make sure a flight leaving from Pittsburgh to Miami blows the fuck up on its way in the next couple days? I got a salute. My man Russell. I know people at Boeing that are not afraid to kill other humans. Okay, we're keeping it moving. Make some noise for Tony Source. Tony Source, perhaps it's Tony Jorse. Tony J. Orse, here he comes.

He's got the Skankfest shirt representing. A lot of fun history we have with Skankfest. Come on, everybody. One more time for Tony. So I just bought a house a few months ago, and my Uncle Rob got me a punch bowl as a housewarming present. And you could tell it was just something

he got in his garage and just pawned off on me. Either that or he thinks I'm like a cult leader or something. And then my Uncle John, he got me a $50 Home Depot gift card with $37 on it. And it said, To John, from Mom. So I made sure to thank my grandma. And then my Uncle Wes, he got me a two-week free trial to Hulu. I'm still trying to figure out how he got my credit card numbers. And then my Aunt Mare, she got me the same thing that she always does for Christmas and my birthday. She just kicked me in the nuts.

Anyways, if you guys want to come over to my place, I got all the punch you can drink. I got a $37 lamp. And my Hulu's out, but I'm thinking about getting Disney+. There you go. Exactly a minute. Tony Source coming in strong. Punch lines throughout. Jokes.

Timing. Execution. How long you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. What? Wow. Incredible first-time position by

Tony Source. Am I saying that right? Hell yeah, dude. Where'd you come from today? Well, I live in Elwood City now, but I grew up closer to Pittsburgh, a place called Cranberry. Mmm. Heck yeah. Do you have to let it linger? Alright. Cranberry jokes let it linger? All right.

Cranberry jokes, people. Come on now. I thought you were funny. Has anyone ever told you you look like the puppet from the Saw movies? Wow. You do look like the puppet from the Saw movies. Because if so, I'd like to play a game with you. Hell yeah.

I got high cheekbones, man. Yeah. Yeah, you do. Fuck yeah. You also sort of look like Stewie from The Family Guy. Has anyone told you that before? Nope. Nope.

Has anyone ever told you that you look like the kid that wanted to be a dentist and root off the red-nosed reindeer? Nope. Has anyone ever told you you look like my future friend? I'm looking for friends, buddy, so let's do this. Tony, congrats on your first ever... Oh, what happened there? I missed it. Welcome, welcome. So what do you do for work? I'm a CNC machinist.

I run lathes and mills. I make parts for electron microscopes. Wow, look at you. You're a grown-ass man. How old are you? I'm 24. 24 years old, working in the mill here in Pittsburgh. My goodness, great. It's pretty nice, though.

It's air-conditioned. Yeah, air-conditioning, that's all it takes. Fancy. Yeah, man. My goodness. So was Auschwitz, but it doesn't mean it's a great gig. They had heat. Okay, there you go.

Auschwitz had air conditioning? Yeah. What version of the story did you hear? Oh, but I'll just go back to playing my saxophone. Sorry. Oh, I love it. So, Tony, you're 24. This is your first time doing stand-up. You work in a mill. What do you Tony, you're 24. This is your first time doing stand-up.

You work in a mill. What do you do when you're not working? What do you do for fun? I've been doing jujitsu for three years. What? Yeah. Wow. And I also play guitar.

I do open mic nights and stuff. And I've been telling myself I'm going to start stand-up for over a year now. And I plan on continuing doing this. This is going to be my main focus. Heck yeah. This is the start of something special in your life. That's fun. That is awesome.

What's your love life like? You have a girlfriend? It's been a bit of a dry spell recently. But I broke up with an alcoholic crazy person in June. Oh, wow recently, but I broke up with an alcoholic crazy person in June. Oh, wow. Why'd you break up with her? Because she was an alcoholic?

She kept getting drunk and crying after sex, and it was freaking me out. Well, like, when she would cry after sex, what would she cry about? I just, I don't know. She would just get really emotional. Look at you. I like a guy that

doesn't even ask his girl what she's crying about. No idea. Who gives a fuck, bro? I already busted my nut. It's like, you want to use this cum towel for your tears, dummy? Well, she would just be like, I don't know. It happened a couple times

and I was like, what's wrong? She would say nothing. I was like, I don't know. It happened a couple times, and I was like, what's wrong? She would say nothing. I was like, it doesn't look like anything's wrong. I mean, it looks like something's wrong. I didn't want to, like, I don't know. Right. It was pretty weird. Maybe she wanted you to whip her feet.

Oh, my God. The old quintuple callback by Joel Burke. And I'll do it again, Tony. It's worked two out of five times, but... He's trying to roll a natural 20. My goodness gracious. So have you

hooked up with any chicks since you broke up with this alcoholic crazy girl? I got my dick sucked in the Harmony Inn parking lot. What? crazy girl? I got my dick sucked in the Harmony Inn parking lot. What? Russell's very excited about that. Was he the one that sucked your dick? Wait, what parking lot did you get it sucked in? Harmony Inn. Harmony Inn? It's a haunted inn hotel slash bar that's near my house. Wow. So maybe it was Russell that sucked your dick.

Was that a haunted house parking lot? Did they try to slit your throat before doing it? No, but when I tapped on her head, I was like... Wait, what do you mean you tapped on her head? You really do do jiu-jitsu. You tap out when you cum? That's incredible.

Oh, I can't take it. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Well, I thought, you know, I'd tap on her head, courtesy. To let her know that, what does that mean, that you're about to come? Yeah. So, like, show us how many times. Like, what would that look like? Like, let's say that the bucket is, let's say that the bucket,

I'm going to put the mic next to the bucket. So, wait, come here, take a step this way. I have a short cord over here. So, let's say that's the girl sucking your dick. So how would you tap it? Show us. Just a little. Three taps.

Wow. Tap three times on my head if you're coming. Twice on. All right. No, stop it. Okay, so you tapped on her head three times. Then what happened? She jerked her head up, and I came all in her car vents.

You came in her car vents? Wow. That reminds me of the air conditioning in Auschwitz. God, you came in her car vents. Like the air conditioner thing? My God, you came in our car vents. My God, you blow a load like a fire extinguisher, huh? I don't know. I got some distance, I guess.

Wow, that is frightening, dude. Fuck. Now I think I know why your ex-girlfriend used to cry after you would come. My God. My fucking ceiling's all sticky. So every time she gets in her car,

you're like, man, I love the smell of chlorine. Her buttons stick, too. Now I bet, no. I bet they do. What'd you say? I said her buttons probably stick, too. Oh, wow. Look at you.

You're a goddamn disgusting animal. Wow. What's the farthest you think you could shoot your load? How many of you want to see him shoot his load up here tonight? It was all dudes. Yeah, I do, bro. Fuck yeah. You think you could hit these three guys from Miami from where you're standing?

I could probably do that. Fucking awesome, man. Absolutely awesome stuff. Wow. Anything else we should know about you, Tony? Nope. That's it. All right.

Well, this was an amazing set for a first time. One of the better sets I think we've ever seen. You were getting laughs throughout your whole set, and you had a great interview. You did absolutely everything right. You remind me of another guy named Tony that I know. Incredible performance. One more time for Tony Source, everyone.

Thank you. Absolutely. One more time for Tony, everyone. Tony killed Tony. You know what? We haven't had a lady up here tonight. What do you say I go through this bucket until we get a lady up here? You know what? Before we do that, we'll do a lady after this. But first, there is a young man that is here tonight that we met in Washington, D.C. He was on that show. He has muscular dystrophy. He absolutely destroyed on that show in Washington, D.C. So much so that we invited him back to the second show in Washington, D.C. He destroyed yet again. He made the trip all the way here today to Pittsburgh,

Pennsylvania, from Washington, D.C., or wherever he's from. He's here live. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you for the third time ever in Kill Tony history, the one and the only Martin Phillips, everyone. Here we go. Here he comes.

It's about to go down. He's ready to fucking rock. I told him, next time he's around to kill Tony, let me know. He let me know, and now dreams come true. Martin Phillips, everybody! Come on! Come on!

Like you said, my name's Martin. I pee sitting down, but I poop standing up. So I make up for it. I really like these Disney live-action remakes. I really like these Disney live-action remakes. The best part is, it's no longer weird to masturbate to Disney princesses. And you should be like, isn't that a cartoon? And they'd be like, it's drawn really well. That's art, you know?

And now it's like, isn't that a kid's movie? You're like, we're all kids at heart. I found this book the other day. It was called A Hundred Places to Bike Before You Die.

The last place off a cliff. He did everything. Absolutely. A verified killer. Martin Phillips. Back at it again. Three for three all time in Kill Tony history. Another incredible performance here tonight.

Welcome back to the show, Martin. What's up? How's life been going for you? It's all right. Remind us where you're from. Where'd you come from today? I do live in D.C. Like, right outside D.C. Heck yeah. I like Pittsburgh,

but the drive fucking sucks. Yeah. The drive sucks. Pittsburgh cool. Hell yeah. I'd imagine especially if you're the one driving, huh? Yeah, I do. I do drive a car, yes. You do drive? Yeah, I do drive Hell yeah. I'd imagine especially if you're the one driving, huh? Yeah, I do. I do drive a car, yes. You do drive? Yeah, I do drive, yeah.

Really? Yes. Surprising to almost everyone. All right, there you go. But yeah, I drive. I've never been in a car accident. I have scraped a number of cars, but never been in an accident. So it's good. I'm good.

Fuck yeah. How many times have you been checked for a DUI? So you're saying it's not the police. It's usually people outside seeing me walk into the car who are very concerned. Are you okay to drive? And then I get in my car and I run them over.

I take care of it. Abso-fucking-lutely, man. Goddamn assassin you are. I love it. Wow. So since the last time we saw you, what else has been going on? Anything change?

Anything in your life happen or anything like that? Nothing too major. I guess I've just been hanging around. I joined a book club. You joined a book club? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. There's like this girl I like who is in the book club,

but she doesn't like me that way. So now I'm just in this stupid fucking book club. Classic boy meets girl story. Wow. You ever do any role playing like our friends Douglas and Kevin here? Right now, actually. Thank you.

Right now. What. Thank you. What do you like to do? You have hobbies? I'm sure we've asked you this before. I can't quite remember. I have that parody album. I mean, I remember my Ariana Grande parody album. Oh, that's right.

After we mentioned it on the show, it has over 800 listens on SoundCloud. Right, and that's not even easy to find. It's hard to find an Ariana Grande parody album because if you enter in Ariana Grande, a bunch of Ariana Grande songs come up. I don't know. People online said it wasn't that hard, but that's what they said. Wow, I mean. Whoa, shots fired.

My goodness. So are you staying the night here in Pittsburgh tonight? Yeah, I have a buddy who lives here. Oh, very good. I thought I'd drive him back, but that sounds dangerous. Yeah. I got an honest question. When you sleep, do you sleep still?

I'm asleep. I wouldn't know. I will punch a man in glasses. Actually, according to your monitors, I'll find that. Oh, no, he didn't. Oh, shit, no. Don't do it, Joel.

Come on. He has muscular dystrophy. Get back there. Oh, my God. I hope this guy doesn't play drums. I hope he does. Man, can you imagine that if he beat Drums? And then it was the whole band.

I was the bass drums. Wow. Hell yeah. You know how to shake, rattle, and roll, huh? Yeah, I'm sorry. I love it. Wow. You're getting down with the sickness.

It's getting hot up here. I could use some good old AC from Auschwitz right now. It's a joke. You realize the joke? It's not really that they had AC in Auschwitz. It's that they would dump poison in the vents. You do understand this, right? I'm not actually saying that there's functional AC. That's not what you meant, Tony Hinchcliffe. Don't you dare.

Don't you dare. We all heard it like that. They put Zyklon through the roof in the opening. Don't you dare. Don't you dare. We all heard it like that. They put Zyklon through the roof in the opening. Quit saying alien terms like Zyklon. Okay. All right. All right, I mean, what can I say, dude?

Martin Phillips, you are three for three all time on Kill Tony. The show is built for people like you. We love you. Martin Phillips, everybody. Be careful, dude, for the love of God. Oh, my God. Step by step. Day by day. Let's get a girl up here.

My God. All right. We're going to dig through the bucket until we find a girl. Is that okay with you guys? Fuck yeah. All right. Let's see what we got here. Sorry to Jonas. Sorry to Ben. Sorry to Dylan. Sorry to McNasty.

So close. So close. Tom Cat's a guy, right? Ooh, another Tony. We got a lot of Tonys here. Sorry to Dylan. We're going to keep going here. We're going to see what happens here. Andy,

we apologize. Ian, so close. What was that one? Walt W. Huh? Oh, look at that. Sausage fest. Hopefully there is a female. Will, Fred. Oh my goodness. We're so close here.

How about Taylor? Is Taylor a boy or a girl? Taylor Lanier. I'm a boy. I'm a boy. You sound so close here. How about Taylor? Is Taylor a boy or a girl? Taylor Lanier. I'm a boy. You sound like a bitch. Sorry to Phil. Sorry to Blake. Sorry to Dan. We're getting down to it. Sterling's a boy name. Oh my goodness.

There's only Robert and wow. Oh my goodness. No woman signed up tonight. There's only Robert and, wow, Seb. Oh, my goodness. No woman signed up tonight. Is this true? Is there a woman that actually signed up for the show? You had to have already signed up is what I'm asking.

Not some chick that has won one-liner that's going to bomb that's throwing it together right now. Did any woman sign up for the show that somehow didn't get in the bucket? Somebody just said they have tits. My goodness gracious. Just throw this back in and pick one. I mean, that's the only option. Is this guy here? Yeah, we're going to get to that.

I know about Saxophone Guy. I didn't forget about what I said was going to be the ending of the show. But if you guys want to rush to the end, we can. You guys want to do that? No, it's okay. That lady said Saxophone Guy. You fucking idiots. Jesus Christ.

Look at this. There are many serial killers here in Pittsburgh. I didn't realize Frankenstein bought a ticket for tonight's show. There he goes. Okay, well this is destiny for you, isn't it? The one person with a women's name. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your final comedian

of the night, Taylor Lanier. Here we go. The bucket of destiny has spoken. Taylor Lanier is walking to the stage. Royals, it's the one that I love. Come on, one more time for Taylor Lanier, ladies and gentlemen.

Alright, well, I've never done this before, but I hate going to shopping malls and shit like that, because anytime there's a code out at them, whether there's a missing child, to, like, shopping malls and shit like that, because, like, anytime there's, like, a code out at them, whether there's, like, a missing child, it's like, there's a young girl, age 10 to 12. You can't locate her.

There's always, like, some guy, like, I found her, and he's pointing to me, which is kind of awkward. Sorry, I sound like a bitch, but I'm trying to think of what else I can say. I have a friend, she downloaded something on her phone. She's looking at it really intently. I was like, what are you looking at? She's like, it's a shark tracker.

It lets you know where sharks are in the area. I was like, are you doing research on that or what? She's like, no, I like to know where those fuckers are at all times, just in case. Sorry, really nervous. I can't think of anything else. There you go, 52 seconds from Taylor Lanier, everybody. All right, it's all good, Taylor. Look at you. We tried to find a woman in the audience, but instead we clearly could only get a lesbian up here.

As soon as you said you're going to pull out a woman's name, I was like, it's fucking me. Yeah, it is. It's you. And then we even put the names in, mixed them up, and you came out again. There you go. It's a shame you can't come out in real life

like we all are waiting for you to do now. Surprisingly straight. Yeah, no, I know what that's like for everyone are waiting for you to do now. Surprisingly straight. Yeah, no, I know what that's like for everyone to think you're gay, but be straight. Yeah, no, you're brothers with Macaulay Culkin, not me. Not me, my little friend. So welcome, welcome to the show. How old are you, Taylor? I'm 27.

27 years old. You're from here in Pittsburgh? Yes. Absolutely. And you live in the cultural district? Only on the weekends. No. Whenever they let me stay the night.

Exactly. Absolutely. What do you do for work? I work at a bakery. Yeah? What do you do at the bakery? What do you specialize in there? I used to manage it, and now I just...

Grabbing buns? Bake shit, yeah. Sticky buns? Yeah, I put the buns in the oven. Cream pies? Alright. I used to manage the bakery, now what? And now I just do whatever shit they need me to. What happened?

You lost your manager job? No, I quit because our boss was a dick so I quit. Quit managing. You're like, like fuck this i don't want to do this anymore i want to fucking sweep powdered sugar off the floor right yeah that's exactly what happened all right and how long have you worked at that bakery um collectively like two or three years cool what do you do for fun um seem like the kind of guy that has some hobbies. Do you have a roller blade on a skateboard? No.

I just like to go out to shows, concerts. I like to go out and do things. Nature shit. Nature shit? Yeah. Like what? Hiking, swimming. This area has a bunch of national parks and shit.

What kind of bands, concerts do you go to? I just went to Omarosa last weekend in Cleveland. Omarosa? Wow, I love her on The Apprentice. Yeah, yeah. There's a great lute player that's playing in Pittsburgh Park later this weekend if you want to join me. There's a what? A lute player. Wow. Heck yeah yeah these guys are big fans of imagine dragons

we are wow so taylor what else would we be surprised to find out about you uh i'm a father what yeah oh my god it's upsetting because he's like this tall and he's eight. Wow. Are you sure you're the father? 100%. My God. How did this happen? Put a little bun in the oven? I'm like the other guy that would just like come in a girl if she asks.

Really? Is he sexual? Yeah. So she's like, come inside of me, Taylor. And you're like, fucking okay. I got bakery money, let's do this shit. Hell yeah. I'm straight!

I love pussy! You have an eight-year-old. Yep. Goodness gracious. Is his name Alibi? That's a legit name. Wow. And does he live with his mom?

Primarily with me, yeah. He's with her on the weekends. Well, that's so cool. So he spends mostly Monday through Fridays with you. Yeah. So you're a real fucking father. Hell yeah. That's incredible, dude.

That's fucking awesome. That's shocking because you look like a child. I mean, you seem very youthful. Yeah. So you have a kid. He's eight years old. What do you guys do? Do you do fun things with him?

Yeah. He's basically just like, I do you guys do? Fun things with him? Oh, yeah. He's basically just like I would say a smaller version of me, but he's he's just me. Right. That's fucking awesome, man. That is so cool. What's the what's the mom do? Um, I don't know at the moment. She's she just applied for a job somewhere this weekend.

Hell yeah. Whatever that is. Right. She's a how did you end up with primary custody? She's a little bit of a party machine. She's a drinker. She cries after you come. No, we're just like good friends.

So joint custody pretty much. Hell yeah. Well, there you go. Absolutely. Man. Is there anything that the eight-year-old does that you can't stand about him? He rides the roller coasters you can't get on. Oh, shit.

I'm sorry. I did not mean, I've been hanging around Tony too much. I'm so sorry. My goodness gracious. No, nothing that I can think of. Wow. Well, all right. Do you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? You ever win an award for anything or get a trophy for something like that? No, definitely not the drums. Don't.

No. But anything at all? I'm really good at League of Legends. Really good at what? League of Legends. It's nerdy shit. You guys probably play. Oh, my God.

I love this man. Looks like you might be hanging out with him and an eight-year-old later tonight, Douglas. All right. Well, Taylor, I mean, what can I say? This is your first time doing stand-up? Yeah. Awesome, man. And you got through it.

You tried your absolute best. I'd say, you know, you started with an excuse. This is my first time. I don't know what I'm doing. You know what I mean? It's one of the most fearful things someone can do other than saying, Pittsburgh sucks. I'm from Miami where there's beaches. I'm a fucking idiot.

But take it from me, you did better than the three guys from Miami did tonight. And that's all you can really ask for. How about it? One more time for Taylor Lanier, everybody. All right. This is it. The moment that we've all been waiting for. This is the first ever great white sax off. Here he comes, the man with the sax. He has an actual fucking saxophone, and it is much bigger than Jeremiah's saxophone. Now, let me tell you, oh my God. Let me tell you. Hold on. Don't play it yet. Don't play it yet. Come up here. Come up here. Come on up. Keep coming. So this is the first ever great white sax off, ladies and gentlemen. We have never had anything like this before. He is checking in on Jeremiah right now.

This is as exciting as it gets. We've never done this before. So perhaps I should come up with the rules and explain them to you at the same time in my head. So here we go. Remind me, I got a bunch of names here. Remind me one more time your name. My name is Lee Ebersole, and this song is called I Like Girls With Lazy Eyes

Because They're More Approachable. Hold on a second. Hold on a second, dude. He's about to start playing. Lee, stick with me. Over here. He does not know how to listen, does he? Lee, Lee, Lee. This guy.

Lee, how's it going, buddy? I've never seen a DAD that's so ADD at the same time. This is mind-blowing to me. I've never seen a 70-year-old attention deficit disorder guy before, but somehow you pull it off. I guess it looks like Vietnam really fucked you up, huh? Vietnam, absolutely.

So I guess if you win, you become the new saxophonist on the show. Full time. Would you be willing to moveophonist on the show full time. Would you be willing to move to Los Angeles? You would. Okay. Well, here we go. You can do whatever you want right now with your big, crazy saxophone.

This is Lee Ebersole in the first ever Gray White Sax Off. Was that not a good joke? No, no. It wasn't good, was it? They are communicating with each other. I'm not sure what's happening. I think they're trying to come up with some sort of plan right now. Lee?

This song is called Draconio's Lament. Sure, just play something, Lee. No one gives a fuck what it's called. Was that the name of your dragon? Lee. Draconio. All right, all right. Oh!

Welcome to Pittsburgh. Hereaconio. All right. Welcome to Pittsburgh. Here he is. All right. Oh, that's the... There you go. We got it. We got it. We got it. Lee Everson.

So I own a saxophone. Yeah, I got it. Lee Everson. So I own a saxophone. Yeah, I got you. Very good. Okay. Now his competitor, undefeated. Lee, put the mic back in the mic. Okay. There you go.

Come stand back here. Come stand back here. I saw the double dildo. I recognize. I cannot compete. You guys are very impressive. Lee, stand back here with Joel. Are you okay, buddy? Are you alright? Stand back

here. Relax. Just relax. You want to play something on your saxophone and just isolate this thing real quick and then we're going to bring it home. You can literally just play anything you want right now and then we're all going to be done with the show. I wanted to tell you something real quick if that's okay. I knew that something was up because his mouthpiece was

completely upside down. As well as the reed. I knew that something was up because his mouthpiece was completely upside down. As well as the reed. I want a second chance. Yep. Okay. It's all good. It's okay. We're going to get out of here as quickly as possible. He just has to play anything in the world on this saxophone

and this is going to be it. Maybe a little classic we haven't heard in a while or perhaps a brand new song. Literally anything can happen right now. We had fun here tonight, right? This guy's giving me merch. Oh, he's starting a clap.

Oh, shit. He knows how to work a fucking crowd. Hey, look at that. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Uh-oh. Wow. Wow. Wow. Jeremiah Watkins.

My goodness gracious. Just unbelievable. Doesn't get any better than that. How many of you have Lee Eversol winning that thing? How many of you have Jeremiah Watkins winning? The first ever. Wow. Unbelievable.

This is Kill Tony Pittsburgh. And we did it. Happy 50th birthday to my brother-in-law, Mike, over there. Happy birthday, buddy. Hello to my sisters in the audience. Hello to my friends, Jimmy, Jimmy, and all the other legends from Youngstown. At midnight tonight, it's another guy's birthday. It belongs to the one and only Jeremiah Watkins over here, huh?

That's right. He's spending this birthday in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. That's right. He's spending this birthday in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. We have stuff for sale after this that we're willing to sign and take pictures with you with. The new Kill Tony This Stretch of This Tour poster that Ryan J. Ebel cooked up himself just for you guys is for sale. We'll sign it for you. There's pins, including the Tony Hinchcliffe face pin, the legendary pin that I will draw a mustache on if you want me to, or you could have the

clean-shaven Tony Hinchcliffe pin. The mustache is free. I draw it on myself. I even leave a little space in the middle right underneath the nose, keeping it very realistic. So yeah, and of course, the Kill Tony the Band Big Gay Calendar 2020 is on clearance. They're literally giving them away. They are 33% off right now. We have lots. They are $20 now. $20 each, the same price as the Kill Tony poster.

There's also a Kill Tony shirt out there and some Death Squad patches right up there. That's right. So, yeah, Jeremiah Watkins is a legend. It's his birthday tonight. Anything else, Jeremiah? Yeah, could I say a couple headlining dates? Sure. Real quick.

Kansas City, Chicago, I'll be in Buffalo as well as Albany coming up, Detroit, and, yeah, thank you guys so much. JeremiahWatkins.com for tickets to those. Pittsburgh, how about one more time for the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez! This, guys, is my second

time here. I really do love it here. You guys are awesome. Thanks for coming. So much fun. How exciting is this? Yeah. We're in Cleveland tomorrow night. If anybody gets antsy and is feeling up to it, make a drive.

See us out there. Still a couple tickets available for that. We'll see you after the show. We'll take pictures with you, sign your posters, anything else you want. Red Band? Thanks a lot, guys. Love you. We love you.