KILL TONY - KILL TONY #422

Episode Date: December 20, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 12/154/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping. Robo code searching. It takes skill.

Speed. Sweat. Unless we're talking Kudo's new phone, internet, and streaming bundle. With the HappyStack, you can sit back and stack up the savings on Kudo Internet, a sweet phone plan, Netflix, Disney+, and Amazon Prime, all starting at just $99 a month. Stack more, spend less.

The Happy Stack, only at Kudo. Conditions apply. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This is Kill Tony, and if you go to our website, deathsquad.tv, you can find every past episode of Kill Tony. You can also see all the video portions of the show, and if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live. Not only do we do the world-famous comedy store every Monday, but we're always on the road. So click on Tour Dates and see where we're at next. Ryan J. Ebelt has his own website. That's the house artist. He draws every single episode.

Go to ryanjebelt.com. Tony Hinchcliffe has his website, tonyhinchcliffe.com. And there he has his tour dates. He has some merch on there. Everything Golden Pony. Go to tonyhinchcliffe.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We have the Kill Tony shirt there. We have Death Squad hats, mugs, patches, pins. Go to ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the world's famous

House of Blues From Cleveland, Ohio You can raise that fucking thing This is Kill Tony Give it up for Tony Hitchclap. What the fuck is that thing? I had no idea that was gonna be there. Does it say something?

House of Blues or something? Cleveland, Ohio. We're back. Make some noise. We're live. We're here. Red Band's here, ladies and gentlemen. Hello.

We're back to our home state of Ohio, wrapping up a big, fun trip here. How you guys doing? You excited to be here? This is such an oddly shaped venue. I always notice it. It's powerful, yet very close as well. We're all very near one another tonight on a cozy little Cleveland night. How you doing, Brian?

We've been eating pasta all weekend. Oh, God. We celebrated a guy named Jeremiah Walken's birthday today. We had a little bit of cake and ice cream at my mom's place. We had some Handles ice cream. You guys know anything about Handles? Yes. That was delicious.

It's a Youngstown, Ohio company right there. They have grape ice cream. You guys know anything about Handles? Yes. That was delicious. It's a Youngstown, Ohio company right there. They have grape ice cream. Have you ever had grape ice cream? Fucking amazing. It's like Merlot ice cream. It's awesome. Yeah, I guess it's like Merlot. Ice cream.

Sweet. It's like grape. Yes. Speaking of which, look at this fucking bucket. The ugliest bucket anyone's ever made us was here in Cleveland, Ohio. If you're wondering who's responsible for this, who did this? That's you. Thank you, man.

I guess it's the small things that matter. You're lucky that no one else tried to make a bucket for tonight. I guess it's Cavaliers colors, right? It's burgundy ribbons. What? Beautiful. Thank you. That makes me so happy.

Probably. It was from a car accident, probably. I love it. You crack the code, dude. You find a bucket. It works. Beautiful. What are the odds?

So let's get right into it. I mean, we're here. I could talk about it. It was definitely one of those just Cleveland beautiful days, right? You felt that Cleveland beautiful. Oh, Cleveland. Cleveland. Beautiful day. CBD? You felt that? Cleveland Beautiful Day. CBD. Hey, that reminds me. It's the holiday season, and Infinite CBD knows how stressful seeing your family can be.

Maybe you've got to travel to see them, like we've been doing this weekend. Maybe you've got to buy gifts for these people, or maybe you don't have a family, and you are extra sad. This is the sale of the year and well i haven't even i haven't even talked about the sale yeah i know infinite cbd wants to help everyone enjoy the holiday season which is why from now until christmas they are offering our listeners 30 off that's right if you use our code tony 15 you are going to be getting 30 off what a deal it helps for so much things.

Like if you want to sleep on a plane. So much. You get the PM pills or gummies. Be awake while listening to Tony Hinchcliffe stories for the 50th time. Get CBD AM pills. I tell the same stories all the time. If you're wondering what it's like hanging out with me, that's totally a thing I do. You're in your girlfriend's parents' house.

Just because you said much things or whatever the fuck. You're in Tony's parents' house and you're nervous about having sex. Use the CBD lube. Or you ate too much at Tony's house

and you want to run off the stove. Yeah, they got topical point cream too. It freezes the aches that you have in your knees, especially if you're overweight. Yeah,

I have bad knees, Tony. You know, it helps all the relatives, too. It's great. You know, whoever yells the most, get them gummies. Whoever likes to drink, give them the CBD recovery. Whoever complains about being in pain, yee-ba-dee-doop, topical creams. Don't buy CBD anywhere else.

Infinite CBD offers the cleanest, healthiest, and purest CBD on the market. So one more time, you can get 30% off right now. Go to Infinite CBD, enter the code TONY15, and you get 30% off. And right now, if you click the link in the episode description, they are giving away $1,000 in CBD products. It's a special holiday giveaway to a lucky winner. And so click on that link to qualify for the $1,000 CBD. You guys ready to start this thing or what?

Here we go. Let's just jump right into it. I'm excited about this. Been in Cleveland. How many of you have been to a Kill Tony before in Cleveland, Ohio? There you go. That's our return rate that we have after the last show. As with all these episodes, we go guest list on the road episodes.

However we do, believe it or not, this might be hard for you to believe, we do have a band, ladies and gentlemen. They are amazing. Took them a long time to get ready tonight. I haven't seen these guys for a half hour, 45 minutes, something like that, in a totally separate green room. They locked that door. They said

we're going to be going away for a while. I'm like, alright, so here we are. Let's all find out what they are together. Maybe it's the return of some of our favorite characters. Maybe it's a debut of a brand new character. Cleveland, Ohio. The birthplace of rock and roll. I present to you the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill

Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins and Joelberg Joel Jimenez. Look at that. The upper deck. You guys excited? Oh! Shit! Wow, we haven't seen this guy in a long time. Fresh out of prison, of course.

Shanks, ladies and gentlemen. Wow! What a presence. Shanks, ladies and gentlemen Wow What a presence Shanks is here We get to Oh, there it is My goodness, you're laughing it up Always fun to have you on the show Okay

It's very exciting, ladies and gentlemen Shanks, how you doing? Good, man, I just smuggled an iPhone in my butthole out of prison. It's pretty tight, dog. You smuggled an iPhone out of prison? Yeah, it's crazy. Shanks, my God. How'd you get, like, you got arrested here in Cleveland?

Uh-huh. I see you're still, as always, fresh out of the local prison's... Always fresh. ...clothes. What'd you do? Okay. Who would be calling? Oh, his cell phone. Okay, great. I think it's your mom, Tony. Oh, shanks. Wait a second.

I thought he answered it. He held it up to his ear and kept ringing. He doesn't even know how to answer the thing. Man, this is an airplane mode, I guess. I don't know. Alright. Well, shanks, welcome back. And back here. Here she is.

Here he is. Big panic, homie. Big panic. That's right. I put the panic in his panic. I love it. They're not used to your kind over here. They better get used to it.

I'm fucking here, homie. What did you do? What was your crime in Cleveland you just got out for? You think I'm gonna talk about that? I'm awaiting trial, dog. Alright, I guess so. Good to be in the home of the bone thugs, dog. That's right.

Absolutely. Yo, I kept getting caught with my hand in vending machines around town and like after a while that adds up, you know? Alright, well we're going to have Shankson Big Panic with us the whole time. We have Brian Soundboard

and we have this super shitty bucket that was found on the way here. Thank you so much, bud. I love it. That's Cleveland for you. So a bunch of people signed up before the show. I think you guys know how it works. A bunch of people signed up for the chance to get 60 Seconds Uninterrupted to do stand-up comedy on this show.

If I pull your name out, you know that 60 Seconds is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then. Earl's sure going to bring out the angry Lakewood Bear. And then the only entranceway is up those stairs right over there. There's little LED lights on the side there. And then you come up and then through that door and you'll be on this stage. Just follow the sound of the drums, I guess, once you get up there.

Fuck yeah. And then after that, I interview you. We talk with you about your life. We figure out more stuff than maybe you could or we should know about you. You guys ready to start the show or what? It's Kill Tony live from Cleveland. This is our night, people. This is it.

We go back to L.A. in the morning. We have an episode with Theo Vaughn tomorrow. And then we have a secret special. We're going back in time and doing our 420 episode in Los Angeles December 23rd. We have Big Jay Oakerson on the 30th. Bunch of crazy shit coming up. But here we are. This is about tonight. We have Big Jay Oakerson on the 30th. Bunch of crazy shit coming up. But here we are. This is about tonight.

We should get it started with a name that looks like it says Lucas Matthews, ladies and gentlemen. Come on. Here we go. This is it. Dreams are coming true. Lucas Matthews. Yep. You guys excited about this?

Cleveland, Ohio, we're doing this. It's Lucas Matthews. What's up, guys? I got into an argument with my mom the other night at dinner about abortion. Touchy subject, how is your mom? My mom stands on abortion as she thinks I should have been aborted. Which is extra fucked up

because I was adopted. You could have just left me at the orphanage. I was doing fine. I'm from Columbia. That's where I was adopted from. I've never been back. I can't afford it. I'd like to. I've been looking into travel agencies.

The only one I can find that really fits my budget is this one called ICE it's out of DC, have you guys heard of it? they're doing great things for Hispanic people sending us all back all expenses paid, it's a round trip it's not a round trip, it's just one way I already figured out my way into this country once

I'm pretty sure I can do it again everybody really cares about kids in cages now I don't know like I said, I was born in Colombia in cages now. You know, it's like, I don't know. Like I said, I was born in Columbia in the 80s. I was adopted, brought here. You don't think at some point I was kept in a cage? Okay, suck your own dick, all right? Thank you.

All right, Lucas. Matthews. Am I saying that right? Matthews? Mateus. Mateus. Lucas Mateus. Fuck yeah, man.

How's it going, buddy? How do you feel? Good, I just drove up here Where'd you drive up here from? Oh wow, I drove from Youngstown today You hear me making excuses? Son of a bitch It's closer than Columbus

I drove from Columbus to fucking Youngstown two days before that I drove from Youngstown to Pittsburgh And back off we stopped from Pittsburgh to Youngstown to here I drove from Pittsburgh today. I gave you the short version because I knew you'd fucking come back at me. Now I'm telling you I drove twice as far. Drove from Pittsburgh to Youngstown, Youngstown to Cleveland. And I've been on the run from the law for like three months.

So, Lucas, you drove from Columbus. That's a smooth little, what is that, two hours? Yeah, two hours. Yeah. How was it? Anything crazy happen on your drive? No, I just drove up here, ate Chipotle because we had to pee, and they wouldn't let us pee in here.

Who's we? Who's us? Me and this other guy, Henry Allen out there. Henry Allen. Is he a hitchhiker or were you the hitchhiker? Getting hitchhiker vibes from you. I drove his ass. He paid for me because I don't have any money.

Oh, okay. How come you don't have any? Shanks? Yeah, I love Chipotle because if you're down and out on your grill, you can use the aluminum foil from the burrito and you've got yourself a grill. Oh, my God. All the way back for that. Hey, Chipotle.

All right. Yo, man, said something I like. I'm going to shout it out. What did you order from Chipotle Yo man said something I like I'm gonna shout it out What did you order from Chipotle? Carne asada, double meat They didn't charge me for it People at Chipotle know their own kind They know when someone's struggling

So let's talk about You said you have no money How come you have no money? We're at a grocery store Oh what do you do at the grocery store? The deli In the back The del do at the grocery store? The deli. In the back. The deli. Oh, the back part of the deli. Like the big cutters

and things like that? The slicers? We don't actually cut any meat. We just make mac and cheese. Oh, that part of the deli. Ah. The sad part. A lot of just dishes clanking together. The sound of pans. A lot of dropouts.

Dropouts? What's a dropout? Like from high school. Oh, gotcha. I thought you were using some cool kitchen terms. Like a lot of dropouts happening. I'm like, whoa, what's a dropout? People like you.

Do you drop out? No. No. No? That's funny because I did and look where I'm at. Maybe I should have. How old are you? 33.

33. And what else have you been doing with your life? What else do you like to do when you're not back there making mac and cheese at a deli? I don't know. I've moved around a lot. I think that's probably my biggest thing. When you say moving around a lot, do you mean like where you live? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, me too. County, the federal, the juvenile. Why do you keep moving? Well, I moved from Columbus to Chicago and then from Chicago to Brooklyn. And then I got fired in Brooklyn, so I came back to Columbus. Where'd you get fired from in Brooklyn? I stole bread from my other grocery store job. Bread? Man's gotta eat. Wow I said what'd you get fired from but you answered what'd you get fired for and I like that. Grocery stores huh? Is that your thing? You smuggle bread from grocery stores? Well when I worked at that I worked at Trader Joe's, and I stole a lot. Wow. My God.

You wore the Hawaiian shirt? No, that's only managers. Oh, I didn't know that. What an honor. Got good news, Bob. You got the promotion. He starts crying. It's beautiful, dog.

Fuck. Why do you mostly only work at grocery stores? Have you ever thought of working at convenience stores or anything like that? The groceries at Trader Joe's, you don't have to be professional. People wear Hawaiian shirts. Now I work in the back.

You can also work at Applebee's, though. The fuck's he going to do at Applebee's? Wear a Hawaiian shirt. This week at Applebee's, we only need one guy for one thing. We're putting a guy on mac and cheese. We need to find one guy who's been built and bred. Man, you know your life's not in a good place when you're getting career day advice from Brian Redpan. That's right.

That's coming from Shanks over there. I don't got no job, man. Life-long criminal. My goodness gracious. So, Lucas, you ever try to find out what's up with your Colombian parents? I looked once at, like... He looked at Columbus, and he's like, they're not here. Columbus, yeah, that's as close as you can get, right?

Sounds the same, yeah. Uh-huh. How'd you, what'd you do to look for them? Watch an episode of Narcos? Hey, Dad, where you at? No, ever since Narcos comes out, everybody knows what a Colombian is now. It's nice.

People don't usually believe me. Uh-huh. So other than moving, what else do you like to do? Now what I like to do, I like to do stand-up. I like to... How long have you been doing stand-up? Like four years. Four years. Uh-huh. What else other than stand-up and moving places?

I like to draw. I like to go to you know, Tuesday night movies. Five dollars. Okay. Did you do stand-up comedy in all those cities that you mentioned? Brooklyn, Chicago? No, I should have, but I was doing like... How long have you been back here in Columbus? Since 2016.

2016. Okay. Heck yeah. So what's your next move, do you think? I'm going to go to L.A. in hopefully two years or so. That's what I'm saving up. It's crazy to think the comedy store is the one store you will never work at.

It's not a grocery store. Look at these softies. Look at this soft crowd. Hey, dog, I got a shank if you want to take care of this dude. No. Your shank looks a lot like your teeth, actually. Is that shank from Chipotle? I got it from Chipotle as well, dog.

You make all your weapons from Chipotle shanks? Yo, man, man's got to eat. Wow. All right. Well, Lucas, is there anything else crazy we should know about you? My sister's also adopted. That's not crazy, but, you know, it's a thing. How did you get adopted by Americans?

I think it was like a thing in the 80s, you know, like adopt kids from South America and probably Russia, right? I think it was like a thing in the 80s, you know, like adopt kids from South America and probably Russia, right? I guess so. So it's okay you can have sex with your sister and not feel bad about it. That's awesome. Hey, look at that. That's actually an interesting point. What? You could do it. You guys want to do it

all at the same time on three? One, two, three. Trash can. Have sex with your sister. It's not really your sister. By name, yeah. My cousins. So have you?

No. How old is she? She's two years older than me. She's 35. Oh, you fucked around with her. Yeah. Oh, you see that twitch you just did? Tell the truth.

Tell the truth. Is there ever a little... So you guys ever play... How old were you guys when you guys met? I've had cousins that I've definitely thought about. That's your actual family. Oh, wait, never mind. You're adopted. Bye. Back to you in the studio, Tony.

Wow. It was the second there where Joel forgot how being adopted works. I think you keep your cousins. All right. Well, that's fun. So you have an adopted sister. And my parents have a biological son. Whoa. Now, that's fun. So you have an adopted sister. Yeah. And my parents have a biological son.

Whoa. Now, here we go. Is that something that was... How old were you when they adopted you? I was a baby. Right. My brother's like six years older than me. Ooh.

Definitely a favorite. He is. Yeah. He's up to sister for sure. Maybe. Home field advantage bitch He's the favorite you say I mean but isn't that Sort of natural

That the one I'm not mad about it It makes sense Right You ever get in any Serious drugs No Oh okay

There was that pause there It seemed like something Well I mean Serious You ever go hang down At 25th and Clark No. Oh, okay. There was that pause there. It seemed like something you ever... Well, I mean, like, would be serious, but serious. You ever go hang down at 25th and Clark and drink some Robitussin? No.

No. Is that like a Cleveland thing? Oh, that's right. You're not from Cleveland. Fuck. Wasted a good fucking reference on you. Damn. You ever go down to High Street

and Olin Tangy and fucking smoke a bowl? All right. There he goes. Lucas Mateus, everybody. He got the show started. He likes moving and stand-up comedy. Jokes were... We didn't even talk about his jokes.

I don't know. Seems like... How many times a week do you go up, Lucas? If you had to guess. Once or twice? How do you get up five times a week in Columbus? Shut the fuck up. What are you doing, country music open mics?

There's nowhere to go up five times. You can't actually have a good open mic in Chipotle. You gotta... Oh, shit. All right, this is a one-word name. Put your hands together for Blake, everybody. We're doing this. Oh, shit.

Right from the front. Oh he's taking off layers. There goes a whole flannel. Oh. He is excited this guy. Crowd goes wild. He has some friends in the front. Look like they are shocked right now. I don't think that's a good sign.

Here he is. Make some noise for Blake, everybody. A couple things you should know about me is I used to be a raging alcoholic. Now I'm a functioning one. Not like high functioning because I'm late to work a lot, but they haven't fired me yet. But I'm well on my way to being that old

guy at the end of the bar who whenever whenever you make any type of sexist joke, goes... You all know him. I wasn't necessarily good with the ladies in high school, if you couldn't tell from my physique. So my friends, after a certain age, started asking me, like, is that by choice, or... And, me, like, is that by choice?

Or... And like, yeah, it's by choice. Not mine. But there's a lot of people saying no. I love CCs. When I go in there, my motto is always go big or go home.

And I don't go home often. And the last couple of slices, when I'm really on the verge of puking, it becomes Nike, just do it. All right, Blake. Hell yeah, I believe you about the CCs thing. Oh, yeah. Look at that.

Used to get free CCs. Shanks, looks like you have something. Think about this guy. Yeah, he looks like he have something. Think about this guy. Yeah, he looks like he works at men's warehouse. If the slogan is, you're not going to like the way you look. He is wearing, for those of you just listening, he's wearing one of those classic, always hilarious. I mean.

Yo, I thought it was body paint at first. Hilarious. I mean. Yo, I thought it was body paint at first. This thing is pig skin tight for sure right now. It's because I love penguins. And we both love skin tight tuxedos. You love penguins.

I thought you were going to make a Danny DeVito in Batman reference. I have that one as well. Oh, okay. Well, maybe you should have gone with that one. I like it. And my favorite part is this is the only time I've seen someone wear one of the suits where the bottom of your belly is still exposed. That's why I wear the corset. That's completely unsuited.

Oh, my God. I thought that was... Jesus. You have the exact same mid-frame as a killer whale. Wow. People are really white in Cleveland. I can't tell if that was skin or not. No, that's crazy.

That is white power down there. Right. So how do you get like that? What is that, CCs? No, no. Let me ask you the question I really want to ask you. Do guys like you with the bottom of your belly that gets exposed like that? that like do you guys know about that or is that like oh my flies down fuck I'll yank my shirt like I noticed everybody always does this stretch if I've ever called

anyone out on it then they do this fat guy shit where it's just like oh no no see that's a they fucking jujitsu it into uh hanging over for another like 10 minutes but that thing I'm gonna see your belly button I'm like three minutes from your belly button right now if you don't fix it again. Do you know about that? Do you guys know? Do you feel a breeze or something? This is the only shirt that I wear where I allow to do it. Are you sure or do you just not know about the other ones?

No, I know. Very body aware. You are. You're body aware. You have a mirror? I don't look in those. No. All right. How. You have a mirror? I don't look in those. No. Alright. How old are you, Blake? I am 29.

29. Hell yeah. You got it all together. What's happening? What do you do for work, exactly? I make industrial soaps and metalworking chemicals. Hell yeah. Industrial soaps. A lot of chemicals in there, huh? Fuck yeah. Mostly, I just watch stuff lit up and put lids on it.

Put lids on it. Fuck yeah. That seems like the job that would get you cancer the fastest, right? The lid guy. Yeah, we actually worked with a chemical that causes cancer, and no one told me you're supposed to wear a mask for the first couple of months. Oh, that's great. Got a case of the old Chernobyls over here.

I like this, man. So probably going to get that. Hell yeah. That's not cool. I never even imagined myself old anyways, except for to fuck with people. That's sad. Oh, yeah. You know, I might buy you a Cici's after this, my friend.

Macaroni pizza only. What's that? Macaroni and cheese pizza only. Oh, my God. Now, this is true. What's that? Macaroni and cheese pizza only. Oh my god. Now this is true. It's true. You eat a lot? Like I mean a lot a lot? No, I mean sometimes but not

I don't really eat that much more than a normal person. Really? I just have the metabolism of a dead person. And what I eat is I don't work out that much so I'm very sedentary. You look like Snackshin Bronson. I've used that joke before.

It was just the perfect opportunity. I've lost 100 pounds in my life twice. Where'd you lose it? In a bush? He works with industrial results. It's like a Fight Club sandwich up here. You lost 100 pounds in a year two different times. And then you regained it or

the first time regained it all then plus some the second time regained most of it but not all of it. Wow. Yo-yo dieting man. Wrestling really got me into that. The whole starving yourself for a couple of months. What weight did you wrestle at? I started off 189 my

first two years but I had to cut 40 pounds to get there And then I wrestled heavyweight My last two years But I was actually a skinny heavyweight I weighed 230 and most people I wrestled weighed 285 God damn But my best move Fat man's roll

Very aptly named They should call it the pepperoni roll Shanks I think we all curious How many nickels can fit inside that belly button? Very aptly named. Absolutely. They should call it the pepperoni roll. Shanks. Yeah, I think we all curious. How many nickels can fit inside that belly button? Oh, wow. That's an interesting question. We did do that once before, I believe, in Houston, Texas.

Would you be willing to let us figure out how much change we can fit in your belly button? Does anybody have any? change we can fit in your belly button? Does anybody have any... So here we go. If anybody has any spare change anywhere. Shanks, do you have change? Is that what you're looking for? No, I'm about to load up this dude with nickels. So if anybody has any

spare change at all. Pennies, dimes, nickels. Because you can start with the smaller coins and then work your way up to nickels and quarters because Fat Man's belly button expands as it goes. This is a Kill Tony exclusive. You can only find segments like this on this show. I've never seen another show that has it. If I ever find one, I'll just stop doing this segment. But here we go. This is very exciting.

We're getting audience. There you go. John Goodman's grandson. Here we are. We have a Fox News weatherman here. There he is. Jamie Kennedy's worst experiment. How bad do you think this guy is? I gotta know. It's fucking just typical Cleveland trash.

Alright, we have enough. Oh my god. Jesus Christ. What the fuck is that? This guy looks like Bob Farley. Oh my god. Jesus Christ. What the fuck is that? This guy looks like Bob Farley. Oh my god. This thing just crawled out of Lake Erie? What the fuck is that? That's the locked out monster. Yo, that's the only time I've turned down

change in my life. Dreadlock nest monster. Jesus Christ. Hey, sit the fuck down. Is this what lives in the old wave pool at Geauga Lake? Crawl out of there? That's sad. I missed

that place. Man, that's not 311. He weighs 411. Alright. Here, I have some extra change for you if you need it, Shanks. Wow, that's a lot of change. Give yourselves a hand for the amount. I just, I have some extra change for you if you need it, Shanks. Wow, that's a lot of change. Give yourselves a hand for the amount. I just realized I have like $4, $5, $6.

Also, House of Blues staff, if y'all got Germ-X ready for after this, I would appreciate it. That's true. That is good. All right. So why don't you lay down on your back there, Blake, and we're going to find out. Least attractive angle. Yeah.

You got to expose it, Shanks. Wow. That looks actually... Somebody call Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper because I think I found a shallow belly button. You know what I'm saying? He's looking at it like it's a crime scene. He's got a dime. He's going to start with a dime.

He's got a dime. The dime start with a dime He's got a dime Is that just one dime so far This is taking much longer than I thought it was gonna take Oh Jesus Christ That didn't hurt at all did it Okay Don't push that hard Shanks Come on Shanks. Ew.

Come on, Shanks. Keep going. We got two dimes in. Somehow his finger is going four or five. Okay, what are you doing? Stop it. Stop it. Shanks, you got to hurry up.

This is taking forever. Let's see how much we can fit in there. If we... Are we gonna be able to get this out? This is not good. I can't even host the show right now. This is disgusting. Then why are you filming it? What the fuck?

I don't know. RedmanAnime does. It seems to make sense. I can't take it, but I got to film it. This is disgusting. Are you really? Is this a magic trick? Are you still putting coins in there?

Oh, you switched to pennies. This is a good time to remind you that if you use the promo code TONY15, you save 30% on CBD. Come on, Shanks. All right. I feel like... Okay. All right. There you go.

All right. Here's the exciting part. How much was it? Did we even count? You got to take it out and count it. Yeah. All right. Here we go. All right. Here's the exciting part. How much was it? Did we even count? You got to take it out and count it. Yeah. All right. Here we go.

This is it. Put a lid on it like you do at your job. Oh, wait. He's losing it. Holy shit. He's cracking, Bronson. I'm going to be finding these for weeks. Oh, my God.

I'm honestly pretty... Oh, shit. Is there honestly pretty... Oh shit. Is there any more in there? We'll find out later. I'm not looking. Oh my god. You know what? It's okay. I don't even think we need... You know what? As a reward, you get to keep the change. That was already the plan.

I thought it would be funny if... I thought you were coming to steal the rest of the change, Shanks. Here, you can have all the change. Take that, and that was that. That was how much change can we fit in his belly button. Is there anything else? Am I missing it? That's it, right? Okie dokie.

Blake, is there anything else crazy that we need to know about you before we let you go? I'm a hell of a chugger. A chugger? Like, what do you chug? Beer. Really? Well, okay. How big's the biggest beer that we have here? What is that, like a 40

ounce? What do you guys have, like Hennessy and Hinchcliffe? It's a toilet company. It's beer? What kind of beer do you like? What can you chug the fastest? PBR? Old Milwaukee? Anything out of a glass. Oh, out of a glass? Okay.

What's the largest glass? We have any wacky House of Blues shoes or something stupid I bet you guys have? Dan Aykroyd head? Yeah, is there something like a... You guys do a bucket? I was actually not kidding about the Germ-X.

If somebody could send Germ-X to the stage. Oh, there's some right there. Look. Oh. Oh, look at that. Heck yeah. Oh, that's a bath and body works guy. Amy Schumer with the assist on that one.

Fuck yeah. Didn't realize you signed up tonight, Amy. All right. Are we getting a... Did we order somebody on that? Everybody's just watching the show. I was watching the bartender stare at me for a second while I was asking. I can see you, sweetheart.

Hell yeah. Look at my eyes. Right on you. Glasses on your head. There you go. Left-handed extended. I see you. All right.

Doesn't matter. Oh, here it comes. This is a very normal-sized beer. Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself. You are correct. There he is. The kid from Toy Story that liked setting all the toys on fire, everybody. What was his name? Buzz? No, it wasn't Buzz.

Sid. There he is, all grown up. Ended up having to move to Cleveland. Got a girl pregnant out here. Alright, you can chug fast, huh? Let's see it. Ladies and gentlemen, to end this set, it's going to be Blake chugging a beer.

He's known for how fast he can chug. Whoa! Wow. That was impressive. Wow, he was shaking so hard. Terrible nerves. He's a little bit nervous. I needed that. That was like watching Wow. He was shaking so hard. Terrible nerves. He's a little bit nervous. Like, I needed that.

That was like watching Michael J. Fox at a water park for a second. One more time for Blake, everybody. Come on. Oh, yeah. He didn't even get to hear any of that. He was in that corner. One more time for Blake, guys. Come on.

Cleveland, Ohio. All right. Let's keep this fun train moving along here. There he is, all the way back to the front. Shaking, rattling, and rolling all the way to the front. Hey, how much coins do you think he had in there, though, if you were to guess? He had at least 47 cents in there. No, I mean, like, how many?

Oh, he had at least six pennies, seven dimes, and four nickels. Wow. That's a lot. Shanks, I'm glad that you're completely caught up on what currency is. What the hell that's supposed to mean, dog? Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Joe Graham, everyone. Here we go. Joe Graham. There it is.

Right from the front row again. These people's energies are lucky. Who would have guessed that a bucket earlier just in the middle of a Cleveland street would be here on the number one live podcast in the world. He didn't take the change.

Oh, yeah, we got to give it to you. We'll get you your change later, Blake. One more time for Joe Graham, everybody. Come on. Thank you. So, this guy at my job told me that the human heart is the size of your fist, or your fist is the size of your...

However he said it, I guess I do heart my girlfriend. I'm trying to see the bright side of life lately. Like, I'm trying to see the bright side of getting older and having Parkinson's. And I think there's two times where it'd be pretty cool to have Parkinson's. And I think there's two times where it'd be pretty cool to have Parkinson's. One,

if James Bond asks you to make a martini. And then two, if someone hands you their baby. I don't want to get older, but I keep learning things as I get older. One thing I learned is that Jewish people really like to save money, but they hate free tattoos.

Thank you. Joe Graham. Have a good night. Joe, stick with us here. We want to talk to you for a minute. Where are you going? Hold on, Joe. Joe. Stay with us. Thank you.

How are you, buddy? I'm pretty good. How are you? Heck yeah. I can't get a feel on you at all. You seem like you're transitioning into a werewolf or something like that. How old are you? 32. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Two years. Two years. All of it here in Cleveland? Yes. And then one thing in Michigan. What was the thing in Michigan? It was a minute and a half rumble contest. Pretty cool. So you did stand-up for a minute and a half? What's a rumble contest?

Everybody went up for a minute and a half and they tried to win. And then a bunch of comics how do you win you have to get uh five out of five so yeah it was a bunch of different comics they all went up i think it was five five people sitting there and then they would all say yeah they all went up first and did their set so you would be like oh wow they are funny they can judge me right yeah yeah and there this was in where in Michigan? Somewhere near Detroit.

But the five people, they were just local comedians? Well, yeah, I think one might have more credentials than I think they have since befriending them on Facebook. How'd you do in the Rumble? I got four, or I got five fours. Five fours? I did the same set I just did, except two more jokes. Right. Yeah.

Well, everyone loses here on Kill Tony. We all, everyone. No. So that's fun. Two years. How long ago was that? The Rumble? Yeah.

Over the summer, so about six months, seven months. So how much are you writing if you're at the same minute? I write every day. I like writing more than I like the performer. Turning into a werewolf. You don't like that. You don't like garlic. Steaks to the heart.

What else? Silver bullets. It's all a mess. Right. Yeah. Your hair is like a crazy texture, man. Thank you. You look like you're like part sea otter or something, man.

I can't put my finger on it, man. That's exactly what it is. It is. Oh, my God. You absolutely look like a sea otter. You eat clams on your back? Wow. I like him.

What do you do for work? I bartend and serve at a taco place. You have any otter jobs that we don't know about? Otter jobs? No, no. No otter jobs. Bartend and you wait. Is it at one place in particular?

Is it a local? It's called Candado. They can have a shout out. They're like Barrio. What's Barrio? They're just a shithole. Oh, okay. Wow.

Maybe that's not... I don't know if that's what they would consider a plug, my friend. How long have you worked there? A year. A year. He just said his restaurant is the same place as a shithole. No, no, it's... Damn. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, you didn't even notice. I like that. You have a little touch of notice. I like that. You have a little touch of autism or anything like that? I don't go to the doctor. You don't. Have you ever been to one? Yeah.

What did they say? They let me into the Marines. Oh, how long were you a Marine for? Just like a year. Oh, then what happened? I had lung surgery. Oh, why'd you have lung surgery? Because I got pneumonia, and I thought it was a broken rib, broken rib So I just like toughed it out and didn't tell anyone

Right, was your sergeant like Come on, it's a person, don't be a pussy Yeah, I told him I felt like I was dying And he gave me a note that said It said, recruit Graham has a tummy ache And then it was three liters of fluid in my lung Oh, three liters. Oh, my God.

The otter is a marine animal. This guy. Look at that. Liquid in the lungs. This guy. Heck, yeah. Did you sue him? You can't sue when you sign up.

All they did is they ran my PFT account. What kind of soldier are you? Red Pantamon's a jester. Yeah. He fucked you up. ran my PFT again. What kind of soldier are you? You're a man who even suggests such a thing. Yeah. He fucked you up. You should be getting money from... They shouldn't have let me in. Why shouldn't they have let you in?

Because, I mean, you know, they should have been like, oh, no. Why? Just because when I talked to them, I talked to them, and they should have been like... So you're saying when a drill sergeant is going ham on you and yelling in your ear, you're just like, yes, sir.

Like, real chill, like you talk like this? This guy gets it. Yeah, man. Oh, my goodness. This is wild. So, Joe, you ever have a girlfriend? I just got one four months ago. Wow.

You say that like it's your first car or something like that. Like a driver's license. I just got one. I'm really excited about it. Wow. Yeah. I think we're going to make it. What do you mean make it?

We're going to. How do you think this works? Once you go four months, it's like forever. Four months? Fun fact. Yo, that's the least romantic Hallmark card I've ever read. Fun fact, when sea otters sleep, they hold hands so they won't drift away from each other. Is that true?

Yeah, Google it, homie. It's totally true. How do you have Google in prison? I just got out, fool. All right. And you Googled that? He worked a library shift. Wow.

So four months now. Where'd you meet this girl? She used to go to comedy shows on Thursday, and I saw her, and then we hung out after a different show. Oh, she's a chuckle fucker. Not really. She never had sex with anyone else in comedy. She went on a date with a guy but didn't sleep with him. He's a comedian?

He's a comedian. Someone I look up to gravely. Jesus. You ever get a bad, does it bother you when you're around him now? No. No. But you've been hitting that. I've been hitting it real good, Tony.

Tony, I'm like, no, I'm so proud of myself. Like, I'm like doing it. Yeah, I'm doing it. Yeah, what are you doing? Show us what you do. So I like to be, sometimes I like to be on the bottom, and I like to, like, spread the butt and then slam it down on you. Hold on.

Yo, you. So you're on bottom. She's facing the other way. And then you pull the cheeks apart, and then you grab them with your forearms. How do you pull it apart? You just did it like you're opening car doors from the side. Don't ever skip forearm day and then you just slam it down.

You need a spot or what, homie? Dude. Oh, shit. I think Shanks is gonna fuck your chick, dude. Dude, yeah, he's famous, so yeah. Anyone who's famous can do it. What do you mean? What are you talking about?

Famous people, they're just better. They're just inherently better. Okay, settle down. I'm just joking. Right, of course. So Joe, what does she do for work? Did I ask you that? She's a nurse. You ever wear the nurse outfit?

No, I haven't told her that we should because I feel like everyone would bring it up to her. Everyone's going to be like, wear the thing. Right. Uh-huh. Does she ever make you dress like a waiter or a bartender? older that we should because I feel like everyone would bring it up to her. Everyone's going to be like, we're the thing. Right. Uh-huh. Does she ever make you dress like a waiter or a bartender? No, she visited me at my job and she gave me a tip that was like, I get it.

What do you mean? Like, I know what money you make. I know what money I make. You know, like, you gave me a really generous tip and we're dating, like. Oh, God. What do I do with that? Do I buy you a drink with it next time we're out? Or do I spend it on my phone game? Spread her cheeks and put it inside.

Yeah, dude, slam it. You slam it. All right, Joe. Well, you've been doing it two years. Honestly, you are, I feel like you're most likely to shoot the place up after this. Even though things went well, there's just this cold, dark look in your eyes. It's not true.

You're all safe. Do you own a gun? I have a gun. Okay. It's like a long one, but you're all fine. Where do you have it? It's at home. Okay. You look like if Tom Segura had autism. Thank you.

That's pretty good. Is that the music? There he goes. Joe Graham, everybody. He has to get back on spectrum. Wow. There's an interesting look in that guy's eye. You're going to see him on a wanted poster

someday. There he goes. That was it. He killed himself. How you guys doing up there in the balcony area? Is everybody okay up there? Heck yeah. What the fuck is this? Two letters. JT.

JT. Maybe it's JT Barrett, former Ohio State quarterback. I'm not seeing movement. Is JT coming? Someone sign up and then chicken out? It's okay if you did. Okay. Hell yeah.

Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Oh, okay. Hell yeah. All right. Jonathan Taylor Thomas. All right. Here he comes. Oh, he's about to get trapped. Hit it dead end. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, God, JT. That's not how you do it. All right. Holy shit. All right. One more time for JT, everybody. What's up, House of Blues? How you doing?

So I heard that they say driving drunk is just as dangerous as driving tired. But I don't remember my dad sleepwalking and calling my mom a fat slut. So I have no idea why they think that's a good idea. So, you know, I just recently moved out of my parents' house, and I'm living with three of my best friends, all guys. And I'm always wondering, like, man, I never want to be like my parents. But, like, when you live with roommates, you get nitpicky.

Please clean that up. You sound just like your mom. I'm like, fuck. Every day I wake up, I'm more like my mother. Especially when I wake up in my friends' beds. Fuck. All the time. It's like, fuck. All the time. But the coolest thing is I'm out of a relationship,

but what I really liked about my relationship was I let my girlfriend let her legs get a little hairy. So when I'm fucking the shit out of her, I put her legs up next to my face and that little peach fuzz, and I grab her little thigh. I'm like, man, this is the closest I'll get to Tony Hinchcliffe hugging me. Why would that be Tony Hinchcliffe? Because of that evil, like, really terrible mustache you have.

Oh, it's because of my mustache. I love that this fucking guy is making fun of my look. The number one young rising comedian in the country. This guy looks like Tekashi69 in Witness Protection. I have so much makeup on right now. I can't believe you'd make fun of me guns a-blazin' like that.

I had to. I felt like I was going to go through the show with no one taking one shot, so I might as well make the podcast worth listening to. Hey, I like that. Sure, if that's what you're into. Even though, let me just tell you, you look like Dr. Seuss drew you. Okay? Thank you so much.

The exaggerated features go below the belt as well. Whoa. What's that supposed to mean? You have a very hairy ball sack? Very small penis. I just realized why they call it a bomber jacket. Why? Why do they call it a bomber jacket?

Yo, he's wearing it, and I'm just spitting bars up here dog once you got to explain it man it's like hella not funny no i like it i'm gonna get back to this fucking uh gremlin gizmo from uh gremlins over here all grown up uh so tell us about you j. How old are you? Just turned 25. Well, actually, I'll just be 26. I turned 25 last February. What ethnicity are you? My family's Puerto Rican. Guado, Puerto Rico. His ethnicity is Geico caveman.

Yeah. That's true. I grew this neck beard just recently. How's that been working out for you? People cross the street when you're walking towards them? Yeah, I think sometimes when I sleep, I think there's spiders crawling on my chest, but it's just my no neck hitting my chest. Oh, I see. And what do you do for work?

Just warehouse job. What do you do for fun? I like to hang out with my friends. You go out, play music. What kind of music do you play? I don't know. I like to rap and sing a lot. Really?

Would you be willing to give us a little freestyle? Absolutely. Am I allowed to have an instrumental or are we going off the king back here? Absolutely. What beat do you want him to go to? Tell him. Something a little spacey, sexy. Ooh, spacey and sexy.

God damn. Look at this. Put more slap into it, like real swingy. Like James Brown fucked like Rakim. Oh, Jesus. There you go. This more slap into it. Real swingy. James Brown fucked Rakim. Oh, Jesus. This guy's very serious. This is a little fast. Straight out of a Head & Shoulders commercial.

Can someone gas me up? Can I get something from the audience? Wow, this is exciting. Give me a lot of pauses, too. Like, a lot of pauses. Wow. Yo, I said, what's up, House of Blues? This is how we do it when i get the

microphone and i do exactly what i do like your girl hit me up on the snapchat let me get the the pussy and all the booty crack and every night ain't going down when we go around yeah i'll be spitting all the ram on daytime two and six all the way to the downtown my man on a tennis sack slaying with that beat down and we ain't got nobody else to act the world round When I spit these bars and the MCs look like clowns Cause they don't want no motherfucker when I spit And make every motherfucker here wish they could go home and start quitting Like mama, he dog me at the party

I throw over three bitches, he went home with every single one Ain't nobody coming off and around the stage Looking like my room full of fucking dimes I don't wanna go around, do you get that joke? That's bad bitches on the road. On the dick they choke. Ain't nobody want to come around here with no rope. I might not be good, but I can go and tell me some jokes. Look here,

Tony. I don't want to act so phony. Ain't nobody come around. I'm 100% no baloney. I'm on beef. If you want some, too, you can come and get it. Let me get the microphone, too. There you go. Look at that. Fuck yeah.

You're from here in Cleveland? Yeah, born and raised. Wow. Fuck yeah. You're like boneless thugs in harmony. Yeah, exactly. Fuck yeah. You're a thick dude.

What do you like to eat? You're Puerto Rican? What's some Puerto Rican food that you can eat around here in Cleveland? The problem is with Puerto Rican food is that it's all fried, full of carbs, and that when you, all your best friends are Puerto Rican as well, all your friends have better asses than every white girl you ever brought home. Oh, wow. That's interesting. Wait.

What? I'm just saying, it's real. So you're saying that your buddies have better asses than the girls? They're thickums. Absolutely. You hang out with thickums? Yes.

All my friends are dummy thick, and I'm just like, it's funny comparing sometimes. They're what? Dummy thick. Dummy thick? Dummy thick. Come on, Tony. Dummy thick. Tony!

Come on. What are you talking about? I'm on Instagram. I follow Worldstar and Hood Clips. That's it. Absolutely. Dummy thick. It's been a long time since my hood days. I don't know all the new terms that you fucking kids that are on

TikTok are doing and shit. I feel it. Gummy thick. You're proud of how thick your buddies are? Yeah, they're all Puerto Rican athletic and I'm just a fat one. They all got the grains in the right places. Yo, you gotta respect a fat ass even if it belongs to a man.

That's what I'm saying. Thank you so much. He's in prison. If anything knows about ass on a man, it's this guy. Yeah. You ever been with a man before, sexually in any way? Yes. You have, Shanks?

Me and Shanks are trying to keep that private, but yes. Oh, you have? Yeah. No, no, not actually. I was making a joke about Shanks. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. No, no, not actually. I was making a joke about Shanks. Yeah. Oh. Yeah.

Wow. I've been in a long-term relationship with a towel and lotion that I wrap up and put between the cushion of my bed and the cement block of my cell, and I named her Fifi. Fifi. Shout out to Fifi. All right. Wow. What else should we know about you? This is crazy, JT.

You're a character, man. Thank you. I appreciate that. I don't know. This is my first time ever doing stand-up ever. Wow. So thank you. That's cool.

Fuck yeah. I appreciate it. Yeah, and this whole, this is a dream come true, man. I appreciate you guys a lot. So what do you, what do you have, a girlfriend now? Or you hook up with dudes regularly and girls? It depends. No, I'm recently out of a relationship, but I guess you'd say I'm single at the moment.

Uh-huh. Single at the moment. So what's the last thing you had sex with, girl or a boy? A boy. That's a boy. Yeah, we can say that. What do you mean we can say that? I looked at my hand because that's a masturbating joke, Tony.

Ah. But no, it would probably be a girl. It would probably be a girl. Probably. You didn't taste it? I mean, with my hair and the lights off, I could be anybody. That's what I like to hear. Shout out.

That's what you say, Shanks, until you have that neck beard rubbing up against your chin. It's going to feel so good, I promise. This is frightening. It's going to feel so good. Man promise. This is frightening. Man. Wow. It's going to feel so good. Man, Abe Lincoln let himself go, dog. Hell yeah.

That is a stretch. That is. There's a little Abe Lincoln there. Wow. Anything else for this guy? All right. It was nice to meet you, JT. Thank you.

Thank you, everybody. First time on Kill Tony. First time doing stand-up. Interesting. I guess that's a thing now. Of course, with the way women look here in Cleveland, I'd probably start

fucking dudes too, you know what I mean? I'm just kidding, ladies. That's a joke. It's a joke. Totally a joke. I always say the most beautiful women are from Ohio. I say that all the time. I get real arguments out there in California. I just keep fighting people. I end up getting

in fist fights over it. Alright. This person has bad handwriting. That usually means they're funny. Hands together for Brandon Scott, everyone. Brandon Scott. Let's see what happens here. Brandon Scott.

There he comes. Hands in the air. Here we go. Make a left there. Yep. And you're going to make a right. Right around there. Uh-oh.

There's a guy just blocking. Oh, Jesus. Is that the Otter Marine? Okay. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? All right. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen.

Brandon Scott, everybody. Come on, one more time for Brandon, everyone. We're here. It's the House of Blues in Cleveland. My greatest white guilt is that when I was growing up watching Fresh Prince of Bel-Air that they

switched out Aunt Vivian in season three and I never noticed. I like to think we're all the same, but when I see an advertisement for a Tyler Perry movie, I don't think it's speaking to me. When you see a guy wearing one sock, I can guarantee you he's masturbated in the last half hour. I personally like a bargain.

That's why my favorite place to masturbate is the strip club bathroom. I don't know about this whole Me Too movement, but I carry a rape whistle. I don't know about this whole Me Too movement, but I carry a rape whistle. Because I like a challenge. Fuck yeah. Brandon Scott, everyone. Amira, we're going to talk with you.

You're badass. You've been doing stand-up a little while, right? This probably makes an hour on stage in my life. An hour. What do you mean? I've been doing it for four months, probably like ten open mics. Oh, wow. Four months.

Jeez, this is so fucking cool. I like your style, dude. You have some great jokes. You seem like a smart dude. Thank you. You seem like you're transitioning into the latest Joaquin Phoenix Joker. That movie's fucking inspiring, sir. Uh-huh, uh-huh. I mean, I don't want to. You also look like you just walked out of a

nuclear war in Silicon Valley. Silicon Valley. You look like they tried to clone Marc Maron and fucked up. Ha ha ha. Yeah. You look like it's Steve. Good stuff. What's that? and fucked up. Ha ha ha. Yeah. Not bad.

Good stuff. What's that? I was going to say you look like if Steve from Blue's Clues got a... Never mind. All right. Welcome, welcome, Brandon. So that's fun. So what's been going on in your life?

You seem like you used to make cleaning chemicals. You used to put the lids on them and then you turned into this. You used to make cleaning chemicals. You used to put the lids on them, and then you turned into this. You used to weigh 400 pounds. You were able to fit $8 worth of nickels in your belly button. Now this is where your life is, right? Sure. Now, okay, tell us about yourself, Brandon.

It's okay. I know, you came in late. You had to ride your old-timey bicycle here. So what you been doing? How old are you? I'm 37. 37. What you been doing with your life up until this point?

Tell us about you. You know, messing it up, getting a glass eye. How'd you get a glass eye? Oh, I got kicked out of Nelson's Ledges. You got kicked out of Nelson's ledges. Usually you leave there with a third eye, not one. Smart, not funny, but brilliant. I mean, brilliant.

Absolutely fucking brilliant. I'm going to say so myself. I'm the only one that gets that. I'm terrified to ask this, but does that eye come out? Oh! No! Oh! Does it?

Is that like a hard thing to do? Don't do it. No, Brian, stop it. It's quite unpleasant. Brian, if you're not going to say anything nice, then don't say anything at all. Okay, so let's talk about this for a second. Is that like a hard process to pull out a glass eye?

Or is that like, can you get like an infection or anything? Does that have to be like, does there have to be like... I mean, I just see people have to take out their contacts and put them in a solution. I can't imagine taking out the whole fucking eyeball. I mean, it's an eyeball. Shanks, what do you think about this? Yo, I think we all curious how many nickels we can fit in the eye.

I knew that was coming. Oh, my God. That's brilliant. I can't believe I didn't think of that. That's so fucking funny. Should we get the... Oh, my God. Side by side, just shoving pennies and dimes it's gonna be a lot sadder when your finger disappears in on this one just like people i'm sorry wow that is incredible um

but seriously how many coins do you think we could fit in your eye socket what would you say like four quarters couple dimes if you had to guess guess? It's really only like a nickel thick. It's like a giant contact. And there's an implant ball that's already in my head. Oh, is that just plain white? We could shoot a whole fucking horror movie here tonight, people. This could be a special. We could put it out next Halloween, a close-up of this part of this show.

I asked the doctor, I was like, what's going to happen when I get fucked up? Like, one eye's going to be red and the other one be whatever. He's like, oh, I had a guy ask me to make him two eyes. I made him a fucked-up eye and a regular eye. Wow, that's hilarious. True story from the doctor. You got to talk about that on stage. That's hilarious.

That's incredible. Do you have any jokes about your glass eye that you do on stage? Oh, trying to find some. Do you have any jokes about your glass eye that you do on stage? Do I? No, no. I don't really want to use it as empathy leverage, but I've been trying to work on I can't have nice things sort of shit. I don't know. Obviously, there's lots of hacky daddy dad jokes that are glass eye stuff. Right. Of course.

Absolutely. Can that thing break? So if it fell out and you stepped on it, is it actual glass? It's like a plastic compound of some kind. Okay. Well, all right. I'm too excited. Can you put a screen protector on it?

So how long ago did this happen that you lost your eye? That was hilarious. How long ago was the accident? Seven years ago. Seven years ago. Okay. So what happened? They kicked you out of Nelson's Ledges, and how did that happen?

What did they kick you out with, a fucking fire poker? You get out of here now, boy. Oh, my fucking God. What happened? They kicked me out with a larger man than me, which isn't very difficult, and I was in handcuffs, and I was just trying to fight the people who told me there was security. So they just threw me in my car and told me to leave. So what happened?

You sold some kids some fake weed or something like that? How did the whole thing start? Because that takes a bit to get kicked out of Nelson's Ledges. I have some buddies that I grew up with that are the Nelson's Ledges types of people. What is this, a bar or is this a restaurant? It's basically like a super gross mini Joshua tree. But with none of the beauty at all. None of the real natural beauty. a restaurant. It's basically like a super gross mini Joshua tree. But like

with none of the beauty at all. None of the real natural beauty. Like it's like just like, oh my god, we're stuck here. This is as good as it's gonna get. This is like, this is what other people have. It can't be that much better than this beauty, right? I mean, look, there's like a tree

and a hill and a lot of rationalization over there. It's like comparing Geauga Lake to Cedar Point or something like that, you know? It's like, oh, this will do the job. I can do drugs here. Right? Nope.

You tell us. You explain to Red Band what Nelson's Ledges is then. What is it to you? I don't know. I walked towards the music, blacked out, woke up in handcuffs, trying to fight people. Yeah,

they play music there too. Like Willie Nelson goes there like 17 times a year or something like that. It's like an unprivileged Ohio person's Coachella. Right. And how often did you go there?

That was my first time. Oh, wow. First time at the party. I've been to a lot of Coachella's and Bonnaroo's and stuff. Oh, okay. I moved home and screwed up my life out west. How'd you screw up your life out west?

Oh, you know. Nope. Living in Vegas and drugs. What kind of drugs? Let's talk about it, dude. What were you shooting up? Something other than your eye out? No, I like to keep it like housewife level and just buy a prescription opioids

and not have to deal with those people that use the needles. You still do that? You still addicted to prescription-strength opioids? Prescription-strength, yeah. No, no. No? You laughing at my terminology of opioids? Sorry, I don't live in Ohio, bro,

where it's like fucking sunshine or whatever. Like, everybody deals with it every day, but... Oh. Oh, shit, we're losing him. He's nodding out. Does it make you sad that you can't watch 3D movies anymore? Yeah, I... I missed out on Avatar.

I think it was for the best. Right. They were blue. Brandon, what else about you? Were you with a girl when you lost stride? Do you ever have a girlfriend? Not in my adult life. How long has it been since you kissed a girl? I don't know.

About a month. Who was the girl you kissed a girl? I don't know, like a month. Oh, a month. Who was the girl that you kissed a month ago? Some girl I met at a friend's, like... Are you seeing her now? Okay. Where'd you meet the girl at? Just, like, a friend's house party. Right.

Uh-huh. And what happened? Did the glass eye come up in conversation with her? Was she like, oh my god, are you fucking wasted? That eye's fucked up. He's got his eye on me. No, she really likes my euthanasia jokes. Oh, she saw you do stand-up.

No, not like, just at the party. I haven't crafted a joke well enough about euthanasia to actually bring on stage. Right, what were you joking about euthanasia? What was it that won her heart over? You know, just the simple, like, maybe. It's obviously not, it's been proven it wasn't a good idea, but it sounds like it might be a good idea. I have no idea what just happened there.

Euthanasia, we talking like Japan, Korea? Oh, no, no. Eugenics. You talking about like Janice or something? It's okay. It's all good. Sorry. All right, Brandon.

It's hard to think of words up here. Uh-huh. Well, you know, I think you're great. A lot of people say I have an eye for talent, so you have a... See, they're easy, aren't they? A lot of people say you're a half-glass-full kind of guy. Well, Brandon, anything else crazy

before we let you go? Anything else these people in Cleveland should know about you? You have the hookup on fucking Vicodin right now or something like that? Wow, look at that. They really do. They love it out here. This lady's sweating because I just said Vicodin.

She's going to the restroom to shoot heroin right now. She's going to snort. This guy looks like Mr. Rogers if he had to walk door to door to tell people he was a sex offender. Absolutely. Well, there he goes. Brandon Scott, everybody. His Kill Tony debut. It's on social media.

Brandon Scott comedy. B-R-A-N-D-I-N. All one word. We're getting through it. Hey. How about a hand for the band? All new music every episode. Look at all these white people out here.

This is impressive. Are there any black people here that are fans of Kill Tony? Oh, I see. Yeah, I'm right here. What's up? That's right. It was just like last time. We've done this before.

Hilarious. Heck yeah. Put your hands together for our two token audience members. Here to represent. Thank you. Makes me so happy. Yo, they bailed me out earlier today. Hell yeah. All right.

Pulled a name out. This is exciting. Here we go. Katie Calveth, everyone. Katie. This is it. Thereed a name out. This is exciting. Here we go. Katie Calveth, everyone. Katie. This is it. There were no, fun fact, there were no female comedians last night in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. We went through the entire bucket and we could not find one.

Here comes Katie Calveth. Make a left right there. Yep. She went too far in the empathy there. Come this way. Then a right. Then it's going to be another right. A guy in the flannel help people when they start going that way

instead of laughing at them as they walk by you. Like an asshole. Jesus Christ. It's animals, these Kill Tony fans. Here she is. Come on, people. Katie Calvin. You know how you go out on dates with people and you joke around like, I'm such an asshole?

No, I realize I'm an asshole because I'm here strictly to take the privilege of people from being on stage away from them. You're done. I'm genuinely. Like, you're done. I'm genuinely here. Thank you so much. That's really what I want to try to be,

but I'm just here to fuck my boyfriend's cousin. There we go. Fuck his cousin. Fuck his cousin. Also, too, it's just very awkward, like, getting back into the dating scene. I'm a single lady now. Like, you go to hang out with one of your friends. They make you dinner.

You say you're not going to fuck them or do anything awkward. Next thing you know, they're just kind of pestering you, asking you what's going to happen. Is this going to go down or not? And you, like, text your other girlfriend, like, should I really do this right now? What's going on? And that's why i ended

up watching the first episode of the mandalorian which i still haven't seen the rest so if you have fuck you guys honestly because i already cheated on my family to see the first one also ladies anyone like going all right katie calvin there we go. Welcome, welcome. Thank you. A little bit longer than a minute there. The bear comes in all the way from Lakewood here in Cleveland, Ohio. Welcome to the show, Katie. I don't know exactly what happened there. I think you came out guns ablaze and got the audience against you there for a second. That's okay.

I'm just here to fuck up because I heard it's acceptable. So you're here to fuck up. You heard it's acceptable. So, okay. What? Let's talk about it. So did you come here with fuck up. You heard it's acceptable. So, okay. What? Let's talk about it. So did you come here with your boyfriend or his cousin? No, I came here with my cousin's husband.

Your cousin's? Ross Oliver. He should be up here, not me. Husband. Is that who you said? Oh, you were fucking him in that way. Exactly. Oh, I got it.

Wow, that's so weird. So what makes you think that I would have pulled his name if I didn't pull yours exactly? Because you're just picking a name out of a goddamn bucket. Right, but there's the other pieces too. So you were literally here just to say that you got pulled and he didn't. Exactly. What type of life do you live when you aren't at events like this? A very unexciting one where I just glom off of other people's accomplishments.

She knits sweaters for snowboarders, dog. But like, I don't know. Is there anything interesting about you or your life, Katie? What do you do? What makes you who you are? I'm a bartender. I'm trying to do sign language because I never shut the fuck up. So at the very least, I can silently not shut the fuck up. How about fun facts about you? Any hobbies or anything like that?

Nothing that interesting. I'm a vagina that tries to play guitar. So anyone on Tinder that plays guitar, go fuck yourself. You have a vagina that plays guitar? I do. What does that mean? It's like you put it right underneath there.

It gets very awkward, but the lips are very good. Is that true? You can actually play the guitar with your vagina? Some people play kazoo. Uh-huh. But can you actually play guitar with your vagina? No, just my fingers.

I hate that feeling. I don't get it. Well, it looks like you were enjoying the first part of the show because you definitely have laughed your ass off. Actually? Yeah. That's true. That is true.

You might not be able to tell from where you're sitting, Joel, but she also laughed her tits off, clearly. I don't know. It makes cast members angry when you take up everyone's time on a show. I don't know if you can see it from here, but she laughed her personality off.

It's true. It's true. The guy with the glass eye is more fuckable than Katie is. That's true. The guy with the glass eye is more fuckable than Katie is. Let's face it, Katie. Dad, obviously. I've been fucked in three months. I'm very alert. Is that true?

Three months? Sadly. All right, who wants to fuck this girl right now? Literally nobody. Wow, Three months. How's that possible? You ever get out and hit on guys or anything like that? I mean, I try to.

I'm just not real good at it. How do you do it? When you do it, how do you do it? Like, what's your method when you try? There's no method. I just try to stand there and look pretty, which doesn't work out well for me, apparently. You just try to stand there and look pretty? It doesn't go well.

Oh, my God. What? Yo, and look pretty? It doesn't go well. Oh my god, what? Yo, that's my technique. It'll work well. Not in prison. Yeah, I don't know, Katie. You look like a substitute teacher that just got raped by a UPS driver, so I don't know. I did fuck a mailman for five years.

You did? I did. Wow, and by the looks of you, he sort of fucked a mailman, too. Yeah. Return service request. Hey. Also worth 15 cents. So, Katie, I mean, you signed up.

I don't know what you expected to happen here, but I guess in a weird way you could always go tell your husband's cousin? Still mixing it up, but it's all good. Right. Okay. Uh-huh. weird way, you could always go tell your husband's cousin? Cousin's husband. Right. Okay. Shanks? Yeah, she looked like a walking Old Navy clearance commercial. Yeah. That is pretty true.

You always rock the hat? No, actually I stole it from said cousin. Right. Why is that? Because I was fucking cold. Alright, well, I stole it from said cousin. Right. Why is that? Because I was fucking cold. All right. Well, there you go. We live in Cleveland.

It's chilly. I had to do what I had to fucking do. Right. Now I get it. All right, Katie. Well, I'm going to send you back to, there you go. That's fair. I'm sure that it's going to be a long trip back to the Lower West Side.

Oh, okay. Most of these people are to the Lower West Side. Oh, okay. Most of these people are from the Lower West Side. How about a long drive back to Kingsman for you? Okie dokie. None of this is working. They all want you off the stage. You guys want to boo her? How about you boo Katie, everyone? There she goes. Katie Calvin, everyone.

However, one of the funniest female comedians I've ever seen in my life somehow at the same time i mean that's just it's incredible i this is my favorite part is looking at all the fans girlfriends and wives looking at them like that i told you he fucking hates women i see it he's all three at the exact same it was like a fucking like vent opening. Like it all just moved. Hilarious. I get to laugh at you guys. You get it now? I'm laughing at you thinking that

it's not all a fucking joke. People can't wait to get angry. Look at this. We have a guy. We have Scrooge dressed like Santa Claus here tonight in the front row. That's the prophet. Get up and wave to this audience. It's the guy from The Prophet, everybody.

Marcus, what are you doing here, Marcus? Get out. No one has a bigger glass eye fan base than us here at Kale Tony. Oh my goodness. Wow. Every once in a while, something absolutely insane happens. I just pulled a name out after someone that had no intention of preparing for this or something like that.

This should be very interesting. This is one of my first friends on the planet. I know for a fact he's never done stand-up comedy before. He's been to Kill Tony multiple times and he's never signed up. He signed up. He just got pulled out of the bucket. Multiple times, and he's never signed up. He signed up.

He just got pulled out of the bucket. This kid punched me in my mouth on the first bus ride of my first day of first grade. Ladies and gentlemen, one of my first friends ever. We're all grown up now. Make some noise for Michael Andrasik, everybody. This is exciting. He's got to have something up his sleeve. He's no Katie Calveth.

Fuck yeah. What's up, Michael? There you go. Come on, everybody. He's no Katie Calveth. Fuck yeah. What's up, Michael? There you go. Come on, everybody. It's one of my first friends, Michael Andrzejczyk, everybody. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. I literally punched him in the face my first day of school.

It was amazing. I refused to get on the bus the first day of school for half an hour. I finally got on the bus. I sat down. All I had was this little dude in my ear. Why the't the fuck you get on the bus? Are you a fucking pussy? First day of school. He was born for this. I was on the internet the other day and I was like, there's all these articles about bees are number one. Bees are the most important thing on the planet.

So of course I'm like, what the fuck? So who the fuck are these bees? So I look it up and basically why bees are important is because of a thing called pollination. And the flower goes through all the work to make a flower dick and a flower vagina. But that's it. Suspect, right? Who has to do all the work?

The fucking bee. This is worse. There you go. Were you going to say this is worse? This is worse than regular rape. This is secret rape. Secret bee rape. Secret bee rape. Secret bee rape.

I like it. You have the right idea there. Fuck yeah. Michael was always the incredible guitar player in our group. I was always more in charge of the comedy side of things. Did you really say that? You called him a pussy for not getting on the bus? Is that real?

It was something exactly like that. I think Bobchi was with you, right? Your grandma? And I remember being like, why did you have your grandma walk you out to the bus? What are you, scared of walking out? And I was just, looking back on it, I was just deeply psychologically damaged

because my mom, who had already raised five kids, and I was the youngest, she's like, you go out there and you fucking stand on the sidewalk and you wait for the fucking bus by yourself. Get out there, you got this. And I was on the sidewalk and you wait for the fucking bus by yourself. Get out there. You got this. And, like, I was on the sidewalk and I remember the bus. I remember it.

I remember the bus pulling up and seeing this little kid with his grandma being like, oh, look at this fucking little pussy with his grandma out here. I was already toughened up. You guys just spent the weekend with my mom. I mean, you know, to say the least, she's brutally honest and says what she thinks, right? Oh, yeah. Hit that sound clip, Brian. Oh, yeah, that's right. We have my mom on an actual new sound effect.

It debuted last night in Pittsburgh. We have a sound bite of something that she said. Well, there you go. It's a perfect example. Just play your drums, bitch. So that's for if Joel ever says something not funny. Just play the drums, bitch. That's my mom.

So she's a little bit grovelly in that sound effect. Then we also have one for my very wholesome, basically, stepfather. Well, that was a good one. So that's also after a bad joke. You'll see. It'll work out. It killed last night in Pittsburgh. It doesn't work with all this set up on the top. It's still in beta.

So Michael Andrasik, this is so exciting. Fuck yeah, you signed up for this show. I know you're so famous now. It's the only way I can hang out with you. We hung out with you the last time we were here. That's true. You're right.

You're literally the only person in Cleveland that I hang out with. You're right. I love that. We are both originally from Youngstown, Ohio. What else, Michael? What else should we tell these people? What else would they think is interesting? This guy's booing.

You booing Youngstown? Who's that? The fat pig that keeps starting chants? Shut up. You shut up. And shut up during people's sets, especially. You interrupt another person's set, I'm gonna have you taken out by the one black

guy in the room, so watch out. Yeah, and his name is Shanks. Yeah, that's it. He's right over here. I brought a black guy. You brought a black guy? Yeah, Mitch. Fuck yeah, I told you we're from Youngstown. That's exactly how we roll. His name's Mitch? Yeah. Are you sure he's black? A black guy named Mitch? Get, Mitch. Fuck yeah. I told you we're from Youngstown. That's exactly how we roll. His name's Mitch? Yeah.

Are you sure he's black? A black guy named Mitch? Get the fuck out of here. Got 99 problems, but a Mitch ain't one. Are you fucking kidding me? Come on. How do you know Mitch? We work together.

We're supervisors at a printing company. Wait, a black guy that's a supervisor? I don't know. I don't know if I... No, I'm kidding. At a printing company? What are you guys printing? Money?

Shady ass fucking... No, man. We print for like Stallone and shit. We do Rocky shirts. We do... Oh, cool. Oh, yeah. That's right.

You work for a huge printing company. Yeah. Stallone, he's a dick. I hate printing for him. Who? Stallone. Sylvester. Oh, really?

You talk with him directly? He's like, I need more shit. No, he sends all his shit back, that's why. Wow. He's real picky. It's a fucking rocky relationship right there you got going on. Well, Michael, this is exciting stuff. Do you guys have any questions for someone that I actually grew up with real life?

I beat you up twice, though, in second grade. It was on the bus. What was that time? It was the bus too? Yeah, it was on the bus. I beat you up with my book bag with my lunch in it. Yeah, that makes sense. I remember one of the times my mouth being very bloody. I think it was the first one though.

I remember rinsing out my mouth in the water fountain and seeing all this blood coming out. Your tooth came out, I remember. Why did you do that? That was a baby tooth. What did you say to him? I don't know. I just fought all the time. I don't know. There was a lot of fights where we went to school. It's just a fight

place. It was just much more common. Private school. That's a good question. What was in the lunch? It was probably some of we didn't have a lot of money back then. I don't know. Lunchables were like gourmet. Yeah, fuck. We were more of the hot ticket.

I'm surprised you had a lunchbox. I always had the poor people's ticket. Ms. Buzka. Oh, God. All right. We're going back to... This is... He literally signed up for this show to communicate with me in person.

We can hang out later. We're catching up right now. We can hang out later. We're catching up right now. We can hang out later. Of course we are. Well, Michael, fun times. Thanks for signing up. Thanks for having me. I'll see you in a few minutes. Michael Andrasik, everybody. I love it.

We're having fun here. This is exciting stuff. I was trying to think of things that would have been interesting to... Look at this one. How about another young lady up here? Make some noise for Kristen Nikhil, everyone. Kristen Nikhil.

Kristen Nikhil. Oh, no. Coming from the upper deck maybe Anybody see any movement No Oh people got scared Oh she got People saw people bombing

Then they got scared Either that or she has a deep belly button And she doesn't want it exposed on this show No Kristen Nikhil That's a god damn shame Wait What's happening People are yelling.

What are they yelling about? From the top. What happened? Why don't you want to go up? Stop the music. Oh, she's coming. She is coming. She was snapping one off.

God, I don't know why you say that. It's so bizarre, but I guess so. Oh, there she is right there. Here she is. All the way from the upper deck, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Here she is. Kristen Nikhil, everybody.

Close. So this is awkward. I actually work here. I'm on the clock right now. Being fat is so stressful in stairs and walking holy shit, keto doesn't work they said oh yeah, great, you're gonna lose so much weight what the fuck

no you just like cry a lot on top of like depression and everything else. But this is really weird. Being paid to be on the clock. Hey, how's it going? I don't know.

You're smoking a Juul. I don't know what you want me to say. What the fuck are you doing? I don't know what the fuck I'm doing either. What job do you do here? VIP. And so what are you doing? I don't know. Shanks, hold on a second.

Let's get an answer out of her. So like what happened here tonight? Did you just sign up for things that you see laying around? Sure. What? I just asked you a question. What do you mean sure? Are you okay?

No. So what's wrong? What's bothering you? So I had everybody coming up to me tonight asking, hey, where's the sign-up sheet? Uh-huh. Where's the sign-up sheet? Uh-huh. I found the sign-up sheet.

And now I'm here. Oh, my God. This is incredible. Oh, my. Shanks. Okay, go ahead. Yes. Yo, this bitch getting fired.

I know! Like, why would you sign up for something? Like, why would you actually get on stage when the name was called also? When I was upstairs and I saw my other coworkers screaming at me to go downstairs. But why would you sign up for this show? You're working. You're supposedly right. This is all shocking to you.

So what other decisions in life do you make on an average day that are anything like this? Signing up for a show where you have to prepare something of any kind of presentation. Do you do other shows at the House of Blues? Like, do you go up on stage when fucking Cypress Hill visits here or whatever the fuck? What are we talking about here? We don't get them.

How long have you worked here? Two months. What did you do before this? What fucking ice cream shop were you scooping? Close. Very close. Manager of a coffee shop. Coffee shop. You made it all the way to manager, huh? Probably because you would just go do everybody's

job at the coffee shop, right? Not far off. Wow. I'm gonna be shocked if you don't really get reamed for this one from the venue. I really am on the same page. It just doesn't make sense. I'm not getting an answer out of you i've asked you i've asked you 14 different ways what the fuck were you thinking especially as an employee i mean if you were just stumbling in and they're

like anyone who wants to see a show can come in and you still even if for that show you signed up i'd be fucking shocked that you would sign up for a show that you didn't know what the fuck you had to do or were going to do or anything like that. But strategically, like you do, you have keys around your neck. They gave you keys of some kind. Actually, it's just a bunch of key chains. They didn't let you have access to shit. This is like the owner of the House of Blues fucking retarded daughter or something like that. Some lobotomy gone wrong.

Give her a job. Tell her she's VIP, damn it. Tell her she's VIP. I mean, this is somehow still one of the funniest female comedians I've ever seen in my life. Oh, look, we got him trained now. Look at this. I got it. We're learning.

Fuck. I know. I'm not going to have a job tomorrow. It's just so bizarre. And the longer the interview goes, the less sense it makes. It really does. I don't know why I'm still up here. But do you have any explanation for yourself?

I'm trying my hardest. I'm trying my hardest, too, and I don't try that I'm still up here. But do you have any explanation for yourself? I'm trying my hardest. I'm trying my hardest, too, and I don't try that hard. Oh, my God. Yeah. Good God. Yo, can I cut this, girl? Please. Dude, I've been waiting.

All right. Well, Kristen, I mean, I would really be aware of signing up for things that you don't know what they are. You should be a valet at a strip club and see what happens. We're not going to talk about that part. Uh-oh. What? Yeah. Wait, what do you mean?

Not valet. Bartending is like the good job of it. Yeah, we're just going to cut me off here. Oh, God. Wow. I tried my best with you, Kristen. I really don't know how. Right.

There you go. To the deepest waters. There we go. Kristen, Nikhil, everyone. I really don't know how I... Right, there you go. To the deepest waters. There we go, Kristen, Nikhil, everyone. You want a booer? Booer. I can't believe it. I mean, it's shocking. This show is taking a turn right now.

We had two ladies that didn't know what the fuck is even happening. I kind of feel bad for the female comics who actually signed up for this show. I know. I feel like that goes without saying. I mean, that's like a very, you know... I guess we have to just weekly remind people who are listening to this show, like, don't sign up if you don't have anything prepared.

I don't think we need to say it. I think clearly the people that do it are mentally retarded. Absolute, the lowest level retards on the planet. And I say that, and I say it. I think clearly the people that do it are mentally retarded. Absolute, the lowest level retards on the planet. And I say that and I mean it. Retards in the baddest of ways. That's what

Katie and fucking Kristen are. The lowest level of retard. Actual retards are so much better than them. So much better. Because you're more aware than a retarded person. You have a full supposed human awareness.

You supposedly had parents and nutrients, but somehow even they couldn't figure it out. Anyway, you guys having fun out there? It's a real live show. We're the only show that stuff like this can even happen at

because we're so goddamn live and improvised and random. All your other favorite comedians go down a fucking list of things. When it looks like they're looking at you straight in camera, they're looking at the other camera, they're looking at their fucking notes stapled to the wall. Don't you ever goddamn forget that. Meanwhile, I'm pulling out some chick with fucking keychains around her neck trying to look important.

I don't know what I did. I'm in trouble now. You fucking idiot. I mean, House of Blues Cleveland. Who hired her? Am I close to right?

The owner's daughter? What do you think? Owner's daughter sound? The worst part is she's got to finish her shit. Am I close to right the owner's daughter? What do you think? Owner's daughter sound? Well, she said she was in charge of VIP, so maybe she's like the blowjob girl. These guys are cracking up. I love it. I got the House of Blues guys laughing.

That's all that matters. Jesus. Okay, Mark Chalmers. Here we go. This whole thing's about to kick into overdrive here. Mark Chalmers. Something's going to happen. Absolutely.

Here he comes. Mark Chalmers. I'm already getting good vibes from this. I'm a good reader of energies even from afar. I saw his profile. I'm excited about this. Here we are. Mark Chalmers, everyone. Come on. Make some noise.

Yeah. Hey, everyone. Drove in from Cincinnati today. So you should appreciate me. Give you someone to look down on in the AFC North, right? Finally. Yeah, a little bit. But so I joined a bowling league.

It's one of the best things I've ever done. I have a really good excuse now for when my right arm's a lot stronger than my left. Finally, I've been looking for one of those. I'm a librarian, and a lot of people don't know what to think when I tell them that. Like, what do you do, read books all day? I say, no, it's 2019. I listen to podcasts all day. Obviously.

That's all I got. All right, 37 seconds from Mark Chalmers. Hell yeah. I mean, I think that set would have gone completely differently if you just ignored that Cincinnati shit and got right into your bowling thing. It would have been, you know, you have this charisma and likability to you, and then you did this little janky AFC North joke. Like it's like, you know, you really beat around the bush.

We would have loved to have just seen you get right into your shit. So you just had those two jokes, the bowling one and whatever that forgettable last one was. Yeah, yeah, really forgettable. That was it. This is your first time doing standup though, right? Absolutely.

Thank goodness. How about that? Give him a hand. Had the courage to try. Did you really join a bowling league? Yeah. How's that been going for you? How long have you been doing that for? About 10 weeks. 10 weeks. Is it true that you guys get all the pussy? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Alright, yeah. What's your bowling league name? We're the Bucket Boys. The Bucket Boys? Look at you. Is's your bowling league name? We're the Bucket Boys. The Bucket Boys? Yeah, Bucket Boys. Shout out. Is this your bucket? I wish. Cheapest bar in town.

That's a bar. You drink a lot? When we're bowling. What do you do for work? I'm a librarian. Whoa, librarian. You must have loved how quiet the audience was tonight. Yeah.

Fuck yeah. How long have you been a librarian for? A little over a year. A little over a year. Wow, a lot of changes in your life lately. What were you doing before that? Student. Just a student.

Where at? Masters at Kent State. You got a master's at Kent State. Look at that. Master's in what? Library science. Shooting up the place. I like it.

How old are you? 26. 26 years old. Do you have a girlfriend? No. No. When's the last time you had a girlfriend? Have you ever?

A few months ago. A few months ago? What happened to that? Why did it end? Disagreements. Ooh, what kind of disagreements? Come on. Give us some real life examples of what you and the girl would disagree about.

How long were you with her for? The summer. The summer, just the summer. Yeah, one of those. And she made, like, a book and checked out. That's right, baby. Yeah. You turned a new page of your life.

Hey, look at that. You had to put that one back on the shelf. Oh, yeah. So what were some of the real-life disagreements? I like to smoke weed. You like to smoke weed? Yeah, I like to smoke weed. Whoa.

Look at you, you little devil, you. I feel like you smoke it out of a corncob pipe. Like, it's really proper. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Right? You, like, read all the fucking Harry Potter books backwards or something like that? What do you like to do after smoking pot? Go for walks, listen to podcasts.

Uh-huh. No, sorry. You ever catch any creeps at the library, like masturbating, any of these cam girls or anything like that? Not in my library, no. Right. You don't admit it when you catch a guy masturbating and you start masturbating. That's the kind of guy this looks like.

He looks like he'll jerk off at a guy jerking off in his library. That's fun. So real-life disagreements. One of them was that you smoked pot and she wasn't into that? Well, that's what she says. Was she sort of a nerdy chick too? A little bit on the nerdy side? Yeah, yeah.

Where'd you meet her at? The bar. At the bar? Well, the brewery, you know. Down in Cincinnati, a lot of breweries. Uh-huh, uh-huh. And what was your big line? Can you give us an example?

Say it's Shanks. Say you see Shanks at a bar. Beautiful, right? Look over at Shanks. Gorgeous. Okay, so give us an example of what that would be like at a bar. So you see him there, and go ahead. Work your magic, Mark.

Give us an example. Hey, would you guys like to see this, what Mark's like at a bar? Here we go. So Shanks is there. Come on. Go get that man pussy. Go get it, Mark. So it helps a lot that the bar that I'm at.

Why are you talking to me? You're at a bar right now. Go flirt with fucking Shanks. Because she had a dog, and that was my in. Oh. So she had a dog. Well, let's see how you do it dog-less. Oh, yeah.

Look at that. That's a good boy. Oh my god, he's so cute. How long have you had him? A couple years. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Did you get him from the Amish? What did that that mean though? Is that what you said to her?

You asked her if she got it from the Amish? What's that mean? Get her from the Amish. It means it doesn't have it's shots. I got on all fours for that shit. What the fuck? Man you got on all fours for the last bitch. Hey.

Is that a thing down in Cincinnati? Getting dogs from the Amish? Ask Red Band. It's all over Ohio. I've never heard this and I've fucked an Amish girl once. I'm from Ohio too. You did? What happened? You guys met at a butter churning convention?

Met her at Wyandotte Lake. Whoa, yeah. It's a sister company of Geogolake. No, I know. I've been to Wyandotte. I've been to, what was the other one? Kings Island. I was a huge Geogolake guy, man. I mean, of course, Cedar Point's

the greatest. Sea World was across the street. You corrected yourself, and you still can't say the word world. Sea World. Sea World. It was Sea World across the street. Welcome to the world famous House of Blues, y'all. I love it.

So what is something crazy that you've seen go down in a library that would surprise us? Love it. So what is something crazy that you've seen go down in a library that would surprise us? Man, you have that real librarian energy tonight, Mark. You're coming guns up. I'm sorry. Personally, it's not exciting. It's just people are very stressed out. Yeah, what are they stressed out?

Because I work at a university. Oh, hell yeah. very stressed out. I work at a university. Oh, hell yeah. Do you ever see any... You seem like the kind of guy that would get some up skirts or something like that. Some of the college girls. Heck yeah. From your masters to your blasters, you know what I mean?

From your fucking Kent to your goddamn... Pitching a tent. I'm just trying to help. Do you like to smell books? No. Have you ever tried it? Yeah, of course.

Have you ever gotten erect from seeing one of the college girls walking around bending over looking at fucking books? I cannot answer that. Have you ever gotten a boner in the library before? Answer the fucking question. No, you're lying. It's the first time we brought a lie detector

test. Bring it out. It's going to be a new thing. Actually, we're going to fucking do that. I just decided right now I'm going to get a lie detector machine for Kill Tony. How fucking great is that idea? That's a great idea. There you go. There you go. Cleveland, Ohio, where Tony comes home to get good ideas.

Have you ever got a boner while recording a podcast? Yeah, I got one right now. It's for hymns.com over here. You're at work. If you don't know, now you know. I used infinite CBD lube right before I came out. Absolutely. That's what he does. He strokes it up.

It's the best boners in the world. In the world. Alright, Mark. Anything else crazy we should know about you or your family or how you were raised or any hobbies or fun facts like special skills or talents? Do you have any trophies or do you have anyone's skin hidden in your closet or anything like that? He looks like he licks envelopes just for fun. I just like the taste. Anything else interesting about you?

Do you have any weird moles or freckles or anything like that? Anything at all really What kind of car do you drive? I have a Nissan Versa Oh Versa It's the librarian's fucking football jersey It's like you have to have that.

It's a Versa. Or a Prius. I can't even talk to you anymore, Mark. It was a blast. You are the funniest librarian we've ever had on this show. Mark Chalmers, everybody. Jesus.

Thank you. I don't know. We gotta fill this out. Chalmers, everybody. Jesus. I don't know. Now we gotta fill this out. Okay, let's try this again. Put your hands together for Mike Hudak, everyone. You guys having fun out there? Mike Hudak.

A lot of Mike's. Marks. Mike. Mike, are you there? Is this Mike? He's up on the top. Oh, shit. Okay, hurry up.

Here comes Mike, everybody, right here. Micah. This is very exciting. I once had the dream of coming back and performing at Jacobs Field. You know what I mean? Doing a Kill Tony at Jacobs Field or the Q. And it turns out Cleveland is just selling shit left and

right to big companies. It's now the Rocket Mortgage Fieldhouse and Progressive Field. Hey, here we are. Mike Hudak, everybody. So, I'm from Youngstown, Ohio, too. Got a few things in common with Tony here. Youngstown, Ohio. Both have a family member in the mob, allegedly. Both got married about the same

time. And both have been called a twink on numerous occasions. Actually, the only difference is now I'm divorced and I'm not gay. So yeah, the wife left me Took the dog with her She used to call our daughter Which I could not stand Because, I mean I would never in a million years Let my daughter lick peanut butter off my balls

So that's all I got Alright A lot of Tony Hinchcliffe Material Wired throughout that one. Fuck you. Welcome, welcome, Mike. First time doing stand-up? Yes, first time.

Okay, congratulations. How old are you? 40 years old. 40 years old. You from here in Cleveland? I live in Columbus, originally from Youngstown, Ohio. Originally from Youngstown. How long have you lived in Columbus?

Austintown, that's right. That's where most people that say they're from Youngstown, Ohio. Originally from Youngstown. How long have you lived in Columbus? Austintown, that's right. That's where most people that say they're from Youngstown are actually from. Well, nobody else knows. How long have you been in Columbus? About 20 years. 20 years, wow. Food and beverage industry? No.

No, what do you do down there? I wrap vehicles. You wrap vehicles. Oh, wow. Would you like to do some wrapping here tonight? We had a wrapper on earlier. All right. Okay, so Mike, what's to do some rapping here tonight? We had a rapper on earlier. All right. Okay.

So, Mike, what's interesting about you? Tell us about your life. What made you sign up here tonight? Is this something you've always wanted to do? I listen to the podcast every week. You listen to the podcast? I listen to the podcast every week. I'm a big comedy fan.

I go see comedy shows. I saw Red Band at Funny Bone. Saw you at Rogan at theaters several years ago. So I really like comedy just figured i'd give it a shot oh my god some people still drunk from the ufc last night in the back of the room fuck yeah uh wow so what do you what have you been doing with yourself man when you're not wrapping cars you're 40 years old so what are we talking about? Do a lot of stuff. Ride four-wheelers, dirt bikes.

Do a lot of hunting and fishing. Fuck yeah. Alright. This is like my favorite episode of Home Improvement right now. This is awesome. Hell yeah. Why do people make fun of you for seeming gay? I've been called a twink on several occasions. Really? By who?

Your buddies over at the volunteer fire department or something like that? Actually, yeah. I got a couple buddies in the fire department, yeah. You really do? Yeah. There you go. Youngstown fire department. No, I actually even have gay friends that call me a fag. Right. Do they say that when they're butt-fucking

you? Yeah, they do. Come on. I'm the top, dude. Right. Is that true that when they're butt fucking you? Yeah, they did. Come on. On the top, dude. Right. Is that true? Have you been with a man before? Never, no. No.

You have a girlfriend now? No. Right. When you get drunk, you get a little gay, don't you? I can tell. Yeah. How long ago did you break up with your wife? About eight months ago.

Eight months ago. And have you been with a girl since then? One. Where'd you meet that girl at? I knew her. You knew her before that. You had sex with her before you met your wife? Yeah.

So that was your big rebound? No. No? But yes, it was. I mean, just to get back in the game. Right, exactly. So you just hooked up with her once? Yeah. What was that like?

How long did you last in the bedroom, moving back and forth with your hips? What are we talking about? Actual overall time? I don't know. Take a guess at it. 10, 15 minutes. 10 or 15 minutes.

Two positions? One? I'd say several, yeah. Several? Several in 10 minutes. Look at you, the old quick flip. The old fucking turn and burn. Flip this

hoe. Alright. Where'd you end up finishing? Where did you blow your load, Mike Hudak? Trying to figure out fucking anything. I'm really desperate for... I'm about to start begging for change right now. Probably missionary, yeah.

Oh. Finished in missionary position. Like on top of her or inside of her? On top of her. On top of her. Like on her boobs or on her belly? Stomach. Stomach.

That's your place, huh? That's where Mike Hudak likes to just fire off. Just like, ah, ah, ah. You look at her in her eyes when you're coming? Or do you do something weird with your face or something like that? What do you think you look like when you come, Mike? Some questions I've never asked before. Four shit comedians in a row, you get desperate, people.

You start reaching in the well, you start calling audibles. Yo, when I come, Tony, my eyes straighten out. This is like... my eyes straighten out. This is like... Right now I feel like Ohio State down 21-7 against Wisconsin at halftime.

I'm just trying to figure out how to crack the code. Pull a Ryan Day on this fucking bitch. Okay, you guys don't watch football if you have to represent Cleveland State

or some shit like that. Fuck yeah. Why did you guys break up, though, you and your wife? She cheated on me. Close to the mic. Who'd she cheat on you with? Some troll.

Some troll? What do you mean a troll? And we have him here tonight. He looks something like that guy that came out of the job. What do you mean a troll? Are you saying that by the way that he looks he's a troll? Yeah. How do you know how he looks?

Facebook. Ah. You went and did some digging, huh? Yeah. Ah, look at that. Is this someone that she works with? No. She worked at a bar and it was some guy that came in there. Some guy that came into the bar. Yikes.

How long were you with this girl before you married her? Two years before we married. Alright. Fucking bitches, man. Of course. Wow. Anything else we should know about you before we let you go, Mike? No, I'm pretty boring. How many of you guys want to see Mike kill himself

on stage tonight, huh? No, not that way. We can do better. That Mike chord's been a little wonky all night. We need something stronger. No, there he goes. Mike Hudak, everybody. There he goes.

This is what would have happened if I didn't aggressively chase my dreams. I would have been stuck here at 40 years old instead of one of the top young rising comedians in the world as I stick my hand in a bucket that was on a street earlier this evening.

What? Oh, that was your one chance. I even said what, buddy? Look how scared little bitch you are. Is that you? No, no, no, no. Oh my god. What is happening?

What is fucking Joey Diaz's co-host thinking right now? This is incredible. Get out of here, Lee. There he is. Lee Syhead, everybody, making an appearance. Hey, Romulus, what the fuck? You get the cheesesteak I ordered? Shut the fuck up.

Okay, we've had two. We've had a couple. We've had some female energy on this stage tonight. Maybe the third time's the charm. Maybe this one's the ringer. No way she just signed up for no fucking reason for a fucking show that's live and recorded

and put out the listeners that expect people to do fucking anything at fucking all. Put your hands together for Alexis Chainsaw Massey, everyone. She's got a fucking nickname, guys. The Chainsaw Massey, everyone. She's got a fucking nickname, guys. The Chainsaw.

Oh, she just fell. Oh, no. You got to be fucking shitting me. Oh, my God. Is she okay? If she's not okay, well, give her a minute. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. She's okay.

It's Alexis Chainsaw Massey everyone Hey Cleveland I am proud to announce That I Beat autism Autism survivor Motherfuckers It's right here

So my mom Actually I'm allowed to make these jokes My brother has autism So my mom, actually I'm allowed to make these jokes, okay? My brother has autism and my mom blamed herself. She's like, oh, I'm so sad. I chain smoked three years of your sister's pregnancies and I quit cold turkey

with your brother. I'm like, you fucking stupid uneducated bitch. It's because of vaccinations that my brother has autism, you stupid bitch so my brother got diagnosed with autism she's like I really want you to watch Rain Man I'm like all right give it to me so I watched Rain Man and she's like what did you think of it? I was like, I learned a lot about retardation.

Keep going forever until you run out of whatever you want to talk about. I'm in love right now. Alexis Chainsaw, keep going. She's like, what did you learn about autism? I was like, I learned about retardation. Okay, perfect. Alexis Chainsaw Massie. Fuck yeah, welcome, welcome.

Hell yeah, dude. I like your style. Look at you. You're a character. Here, unwind that cord. You go around that mic stand one time. You're a little bit wrapped up there. I don't want you to move that mic stand behind you. No, stand one time. You're a little bit wrapped up there. I don't want you.

I'm a little retarded. Here, move that mic stand behind you. No, you're good. You're good. I like it. You're like a new, you're like 2020 Roseanne. I like this shit. Thank you. This is like a fucking, I like it.

You look like you were born in a bottle of Faygo or something like that. Are you okay? Sort of, yeah. I mean, you fell. You had a little fall, huh? You okay? Did you take a little tumble? I'm fine. I was eager. I love it. No, I like your style., yeah. I mean, you had a little fall, huh? You okay? Did you take a little tumble? I'm fine.

I was eager. I love it. No, I like your style. Fuck yeah. That's what eager and fucking white claw does to you. Eager and white trash. Hey, I like your style. You know what's up.

Look at you. You're a little party. You look like you have an insane clown pussy. Yeah, I do. I bet you do. You have like a crazy tattoo around that thing or anything like that? I have a crazy ass tattoo. I got a where's Waldo on my right

butt. What do you mean? You have Waldo? Really? Yeah, you want to see it? I'll take a gander at that fucking Waldo. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. This is... You and Joel have the exact same. Found him.

What'd you say? What? That's the Waldo I never want to find again. Yeah, you don't... I have no shame, Tony. I never know Waldo ended up with a fucking crack problem like that. He was leaning over looking at a string of some kind I saw. My goodness gracious.

Wow. Red band. My God. Wow. How long have you had the Waldo tattoo on there? About two years now. Oh, fuck yeah. Nothing better than that.

What other crazy tattoos do you have? I see you have the Chucky doll on your leg. Yeah. Love that. Chucky's always scared me as a kid. So do people with Chucky tattoos. Did the tattoo artist just look at you and then go back to doing the tattoo? He was like, fuck.

Yeah, go ahead. Oh, God. I like you. I like you, Alexis. What Walmart do you work at? Steelyard. Whoa, what's Steelyard? The worst Walmart in America, motherfucker.

Do you really work at Walmart? Oh, okay. What do you do for work? What vending machines do you collect quarters out of? All of them, but actually, believe it or not, I'm an occupational therapist. I work in the healthcare field. You work in healthcare? Yeah, fuck.

I think we actually just found out the root of the healthcare problem in America, ladies and gentlemen. I think it starts right there. Just put some Marlboro Reds in there. You'll be good. That's my cigarette, dude. I knew it was. I could tell by the throat voice thing. Throat voice thing, yes.

It's the craziest thing in the railroad. It's like Lindsay Lohan in there. Fuck, yeah. So when you're smoking Marlboro Reds, what do you use as an ashtray? Mountain Dew can or what are we talking about? Tin foil, like shanks, you go to Chipotle. Your belly button. Yeah, usually an asshole if they're going around.

What's one of the more would you say? Because I always say I'm an Italian kid that was raised white trash, right? Sure, yeah. So, like, what would you say are some of the more white trash things about you? Oh, wow, that's wild. Come on, like, what's some of the wildest stuff you've ever seen? Like, for example, your mom and your grandmother getting into a fist fight would qualify as white trash. She's never actually played basketball in her entire life.

Actually, me and my friends played half-court basketball, and we all passed out fucking inhaling on inhalers because we were all too out of shape for basketball. We were like, we're going to beat these acrid kids at basketball. But inhaling on inhalers because we were all so fucking wasted. We're like, we're... Absolutely.

Yeah. Hell yeah. That happened to me a couple times. A little flashback there. What else, Alexis? What do you like to do for fun? First time doing stand-up, or have you been doing this a while?

First time, everybody. Wow, look at that. Incredible. Incredible stuff. This is very exciting. Yeah, not really a lot exciting about me. Actually, I have a podcast. I'm huge into horror movies, so if you guys like horror movies, listen to me bullshit drunkenly about...

You talk about horror movies on your podcast? Yes. Oh, interesting. Fuck yeah. So if you like to listen to me dick around, I actually just got new podcast music, so if anybody's interested... You have a boyfriend or a husband or something like that? I do have a husband, yeah. Somebody was willing to marry me, yeah.

What does he do for work? What Walmart does he work at? Steelyard. We met there. Steelyard. You just keep saying the name of a city, right? That's Steelyard? We met at the subway. We met at the subway getting the same cheese.

Yeah, it was fucking tight. Is that true? You really met at a subway? No. Where did you really meet at? It's not an interesting story. I guess it's not. I mean, we would have really taken care of that part.

But all right. Fuck yeah. Alexis, no other fun hobbies or anything like that? I mean, I feel like we're really missing something here. Other than plugging your podcast, I feel like you're the type of chick that fucking has a lot of deep, dark, fucking weird hobbies. I like to cook. I like to fuck. Let's talk about this fucking thing for a second.

Yeah. What are some of your favorite things to do in the bedroom? What's something that if a guy spent a night with you and was like, man, that chick Alexis was crazy, she fucking, like, what would be the thing? She role-played as Sean White in Anaphylactic Shock. It was crazy, man. She was dropping in on snowboards, birds,

all these crazy things. What would steal the show if a guy hooked up with you? What would be something that they'll never forget? Probably like... The smell? Yeah, for sure. She's got a scratch and snip tattoo

What the fuck's wrong with you guys? Is that a little close to home here? I am a dumpster child What does that mean a dumpster child? Okay Red Band You know what it means I am disgusting However got anybody to fuck me I don't know

But probably my favorite. What do you do? You lay there like a dead fish? For sure, yeah. Let her answer. What? I want to hear her. She's about to say it.

Okay, go. My absolute favorite. Uh-huh. Feet on top of the shoulders. Your feet on top of their shoulders? Yeah, if they can hold me. And if they can hold their breath. Yeah, if they can hold me. And if they can hold their breath. If they can hold me. Okay. No, I'm kidding.

So you're saying up in the air? Yeah, they're holding my fucking feet, dude. So you're laying on your back. Oh shit, Shanks is about to butt rape you. Hell yeah, he wants to find Waldo again. Nope. Alexis, stick over here. I don't want you falling off the stage after all this.

I'm fine. This has already been like an ECW deathmatch getting you up here tonight. I know. It's okay. No, stop starting chants, sir. I know, the guy with the dreads loves starting chants. That's my, that's one of my good buddies right there. Really? That's it? Wow, you guys are shaped exactly alike.

Yeah. My goodness. I would ask you what McDonald's you guys met at, but I know it's in Steelhead, everyone. Yeah. Wow. So you like your legs above your husband's shoulders? Hell yeah.

But you're laying on your back in bed, supposedly, right? It's not up in the air with your feet. No, that's what I was saying. Your husband lifts you up like that? Fuck yeah. Is he here tonight? No. Oh, fuck. Of course. Perfect. No, he doesn't want me to call him up on stage. Because that would have been great. He hates me.

So he isn't here? No. And eat your butt or your front? Both. Oh, shit. Wow. Okay. Alright. That's beautiful. Wow. Okay. All right. That's beautiful. He's a fucking war hero. Has he been...

He's former military, right? For sure. Is he really? Or is that another one of your weird lies, like I'm a police officer? It's a weird lie. This is the weirdest episode of Live PD I've ever been on.

Right now, she's just running from a crime. She has no idea. We have no idea. Okay. Alexis Chainsaw Massey. Hey, you know what? I'll tell you this. Literally one of the top seven female comedians I've ever seen in my entire life on your very

first time. In Cleveland in the month of December. You can tell the ladies are mad at me tonight. They hate me tonight. Okay, this has been a long episode already, but what do you guys think?

We should do one more, huh? This is a long one. We're already two hours in. But you know, Cleveland, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, fucking all this stuff, all those keywords that you guys rationalized staying here for. That means a lot to us. You know what I mean?

Good to be home. Okay. All right. Here we go again. A lot of female energy on this show. This is amazing because literally last night I think was one of the first episodes ever in the show's history with zero women signing up for the show. But here's another one. Make some noise for Teresa Rabbits, everybody.

Here we go. I can tell this is going to be good. Oh, Teresa Rabbits. Hell yeah. This is very exciting. This show has had a theme to it almost tonight And here we go, come on

Make some noise for Teresa Rabbits, your final comedian of the night Cleveland, come on, let's do this shit Thanks, Cleveland My name really is Teresa Rabbits and my friends do call me Bunny when they want to piss me off. I mean, I hate that shit.

I tell them all the time, cut it out. I'm going to be leaving here tonight and I know a couple of you are going to go, hey, Bunny. It's not funny, okay? Just back off.

I had a rabbit as a pet as a kid and I killed it. Accidentally. I'm not a monster. I'm not a monster. I was a kid. I took much better care of Mr. Rabbits. I mean, he left anyway, but there was no throwing a carrot bag on his cage when I went out

to play. I'll tell you that right now. Oh, I went to a Catholic school as a kid. Okay. You know, they tell you when you're in school, in the Catholic school, that you'll get the calling from God if you're supposed to be like a nun or a priest or something. And I thought, I had no self-esteem whatsoever. And I'm like, what if I'm not listening? What if I go to hell because I didn't listen to God? Oh, my gosh. So my teacher said, go talk to Father John.

And Father John said, come on in. He shut the door, stuck his hand on my pants. But to his defense, I had no boobs and short hair. He probably thought I was a boy. Hey, look at that. Absolutely. Teresa Rabbits coming through.

Look at you. There is hope. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About 30 years. 30 years? Wow. Look at you. Teresa Rabbits. I took some time off in between. comedy? About 30 years. 30 years? Wow. Look at you. Teresa Rabbits.

I took some time off in between. I had a kid and I went to school and kept going to school. Absolutely. Shanks. Yo, real question. Was you Mimi on the Drew Carey show? Good question. Were you Mimi on the Drew Carey show based out of Cleveland, Ohio?

No? I have a follow-up question. Were you Drew Carey on the Drew Carey show based out of Cleveland, Ohio? No? I have a follow-up question. Were you Drew Carey on the Drew Carey show? Nope. I knew you did. I had to beat you two on that one. It's a perfect setup from Shanks over there on the Mimi. So, all right.

Very good. Which character were you on? Whose line is it anyway? No, I'm kidding. Trying to trick him. No, I'm kidding. He's not Drew Carey. This is transgender Louie Anderson, everybody.

No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, Teresa. I do improv, though. You do improv? Mm-hmm. Oh, awesome. Where's that at? Here in Cleveland?

Out of Oroville, Ohio. Oh, the home of the popcorn company. Jelly. Jelly? Jelly. Smuckers. Sm. Ah, the home of the popcorn company. Jelly. Jelly? Smuckers. Aha. Alright. Very cool. Is it true that you don't think they're ready for that? Alright, forget it.

Teresa, what do you do for work? I recently switched jobs and I now assemble torque converters in a factory. Wow. Torque converters. This is who we have in charge of our torque converters now, everybody. This is how bad things have gotten here in America.

We need to change. I'm kidding. How long have you been working on torque before? Just a couple of months. I used to be a financial aid counselor at the University of Akron. And what happened there? I'm finishing a degree. You got fired for stealing bread? You are, yes, that is a callback.

Thank you, sir. What were you saying? I, um... It doesn't matter. What do you do for fun now? Well, I do the improv. You do the improv. What else?

I write. I get certifications in different things. Like what? Well, it started with, started with first aid and CPR And then it went to You know how to do mouth to mouth? I do Would you be willing to give our friend here

Our friend here sometimes Sometimes our friend here has drug overdoses Oh what's happening? He's got chest pains He's fresh out of He's got chest pains. He's fresh out of prison. He has chest pains right now. I don't think he can breathe.

Are you okay? Are you okay, Big Panic? I think I need to mouth some out. Oh, you do? Is that how that goes? Oh, he fell. Oh, look at that. He wants someone to go down his rabbit hole. Whoa. Oh, shit. Oh, look at that. All right.

He wants someone to go down his rabbit hole. Look at that. All right. Well. What's he doing? What else have you been certified in? Well, there's Microsoft Office. And just like anything that comes along, I do it.

I figure, like, the time, I just do it. You're excelling. A what? Nothing. Good God. So you have a boyfriend now? Emergency management. I think of the time, I just do it. You're excelling. A what? Nothing. Good God. So you have a boyfriend now? Emergency management.

Nope. Mr. Rabbits left last year, and I just kind of hang out with people. What was the deal with Mr. Rabbits? How'd that end there? Well, when I worked at the university, he got his degrees, like associates, bachelors, and then masters, and the closer he got to graduating, the less he got to me. How long were you guys together for? 15 years. 15 years.

And was that sort of a tough blow for you when Mr. Rabbits left? No. No? You happy on your own? I'm good. You have your own place now? Yeah. That's cool.

And heck yeah, that's awesome. Look at that. She's a survivor. I hope to move to Phoenix next year because that's where my daughter lives. Oh, very cool. That's awesome. Look at that. She's a survivor. I hope to move to Phoenix next year because that's where my daughter lives. Oh, very cool. How old is your daughter? 30. Ah, what does she do? She is a teacher

out there. Does she know mouth to mouth? She's also the captain of the Bombshells Derby team. Whoa, roller derby chicks. Fuck yeah. Our family number for sports, the boys all picked number 55 when they were in football.

She's 55, and when I turn 55, I'm going to go on the team for a season. Oh, that's great. Look at you. You're going to do roller derby? Are you going to roll in a wheelchair? What are we talking about here, Teresa? Do you have any special skills or talents or anything? No, well, not that I can do on stage.

What do you mean, not that you can do on stage? What, do we need a stripper pole or something like that? Yo, she looked at me like I played that song on my saxophone. What do you mean, not that you can do on stage? What does that mean exactly? Like you would need other equipment. Like what? Balance a checkbook? Hitachi? Like what? Like I can

roller skate. You can roller skate? Oh man, I would love to see that. That is incredible. I stand for 12 hours. My muscles and I mean like yeah. Fuck yeah. So you're saying you're strong? I am very strong.

Can you pick me up? Oh, look at this. Welcome to another episode of Awkward Endings with the Kill Tony crew. How many of you want to see this lady pick up shanks, huh? The crowd goes wild. They will literally... We have such a loyal fan base. Yanks, huh? The crowd goes wild. They will literally... We have such a loyal fan base.

They will pretend like they are enjoying anything. Oh, my God. Okay, okay, okay. That's enough. That's enough. I don't trust this situation at all. Last thing I need is some lady named Teresa Rabbids suing me for the rest of my life. I pulled my back that day.

You ruined my roller derby. I was going to move to Phoenix. Now I'm going to lift her. Oh! Is that okay, Teresa? You have permission to be lifted from shanks? Wait, she has to say it in the microphone. Yeah, say it in the microphone

and sign on this waiver real quick. Is it okay if shanks lifts you up? Absolutely. It's a win-win. He'll definitely be able to do it. Why don't you spot him just in case something happens here because I don't want her

to fall backwards into those drums. Oh! Look at that. Oh my god. Oh my fucking god. Whoa. Why did she scream like that? That was great. She really does do improv. She leaned right in and she sold it.

I was just surprised that he did it. No, yeah. Man's got to eat. Wow. Well, Teresa, I mean, unbelievable performance and just incredible stuff. I had so much fun talking with you. Is there anything else I should know about you before we let you go? No. Thank you very much, though. Teresa Rabbits, ladies and gentlemen, bringing tonight's show to a smooth landing.

We go back to L.A. tomorrow. Then we're in San Antonio January 9th, Houston the 10th and 11th. I do stand-up on New Year's Eve in Plano, Texas, one night only. We do Calgary in four stand-up shows, January 23rd, 24th, and 25th. 23rd's the Kill Tony stand-up on 24th and 25th.

Drink Caveman coffee. Get your infinite CBD. And yeah, Jeremiah Watkins headlining Kansas City, Chicago and Detroit at Jeremiah Watkins.com. How about a hand for Jeremiah Watkins, everybody? Guys, it's his birthday. Come on, make some fucking noise for Jeremiah

Watkins. The leader of the band. New episodes of Jeremiah Wonders. Jeremiah's stand-up on social media. Anything else, Jeremiah? Yeah, I just want people to check out, I put together a special for the 100th episode of Jeremiah Wonders. It's at youtube.com slash Jeremiah

Walkens, and put a lot of time and effort into that, so check that out. There you go. Episode 100 of his podcast, Jeremiah Wonders. Ryan J. Ebel made posters for this stretch of this tour that we will be signing and slinging after the show,

so if you want one of those, you can get those. There's new Tony Hinchcliffe face pins that are for sale that I'd be willing to draw the mustache on with a Sharpie pen for no additional charge on a pin of my face. And look at that. Those are the big gay

Kill Tony band calendars for the year 2020. They are on clearance right now because let's just say paper calendars not the hottest subject. They're 33% off now. You get about $20

now. Sorry to all the people who paid $30. Sorry to all the people who paid $30 five days ago. Guys, you know I'm undefeated all time in drum ops, undefeated all time in being a legend. The one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, huh?

Fuck yeah. Shout out to all the comedians tonight. Don't forget to get your change up here. We'll get that to you somehow after the show. And yeah, a bunch of stuff happening. Bunch of very fun shows happening back at home in LA, so if you're one of

the local Southern California listeners, get on over there. And also, yeah, Vancouver just announced. And what's the other one? Oh, we're about to announce something for another Texas thing. So look out for that. So yeah, that's it. Cleveland, Ohio.

We did it again. Did you guys have fun tonight? Red Band? Thanks a lot, guys. Love you. Alright, we'll see you outside for pictures and posters and shit. Good night. Thank you.ななななななななななななななチカレステイブファイブ ファイブは みんなたためてしまいましょう ファーズしたいバス

ファンは今歌っておくの 最悪は僕だけの 一枚でチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチュチYou You You You My Love You You You You You You You YouNow La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La ស្រូវាប់បានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបរូវាប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់