KILL TONY - KILL TONY #423

Episode Date: December 20, 2019

Theo Von, David Lucas, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 12/16/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

At Bet365, we don't do ordinary. We believe that every sport should be epic. Every goal, every game, every point, every play. From the moments that are remembered forever to the ones you've already forgotten. Whether it's a game-winning goal in the final seconds of overtime or a shot-on goal in the first period. So whatever the sport, whatever the moment,

it's never ordinary. At Bet365. Must be 19 or older. Ontario only. Please pay responsibly. If you or someone you know has concerns about gambling, visit's never ordinary. At bet 365. Must be 19 or older. Ontario only. Please pay responsibly. If you or someone you know has concerns about gambling, visit connectsontario.ca. In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping.

Promo code searching. It takes skill. Speed. Sweat. Unless we're talking Kudo's new phone, internet, and streaming bundle. With the HappyStack, you can sit back and stack up the savings on Kudo Internet, a sweet phone plan, Netflix, Disney+, and Amazon Prime, all starting at just $99 a month.

Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack, only at Kudo. Conditions apply. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This is Kill Tony. And if you go to our website, deathsquad.tv, you can find every past episode of Kill Tony. You can also see all the video portions of the show. And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live.

Not only do we do the world-famous comedy store every Monday, but we're always on the road. So click on Tour Dates and see where we're at next. Ryan J. Ebelt has his own website. That's The House Artist. He draws every single episode. Go to ryanjebelt.com. Tony Hinchcliffe has his website, tonyhinchcliffe.com. And there he has his tour dates. He has some merch on there. Everything Golden Pony. Go to tonyhinchcliffe.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We have the Kill Tony shirt there. We have Death Squad hats, mugs, patches, pins.

Go to ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the road famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. What the fuck is up? It's Monday night. Come on, make some noise, people. We're live.

This is the best place you could possibly be on a Monday. Look at that. There's a pregnant lady here. Baby's first Kill Tony. Look at this. Hope she's pregnant. I got that wrong once before. Brian Red Band's here, everybody. Yes, you did. Look at this. Hope she's pregnant. I got that wrong once before. Brian Redband's here, everybody.

He also looks pregnant. I'm having a baby. He's having a baby. This is very exciting. We just flew in today from great times out in Cleveland, Pittsburgh, and Columbus. Sold out shows all across the Midwest in giant venues. Thank you to all of you

that came out to those. And continues again. That's it for 2020. We did about 52 tour dates this year across the world, including Europe, Australia. But this is it. You're at home base here at the Comedy Store, where it all started six and a half years ago. And now we are the number one live podcast in the world. It continues January 9th, San Antonio, Kill Tony and a stand-up show, Houston, the 10th and 11th. Both of those, all three of those, Kill Tony's with stand-up shows immediately afterwards.

Actually, it's stand-up shows and then Kill Tony's. And then, yeah, Vancouver, February 21st, Calgary, January 23rd, with four stand-up shows on the 24th and 25th. Tempe, Arizona, that's just me. That's just stand-up. February 6th, 7th, and 25th. Tempe, Arizona. That's just me. That's just stand-up. February 6th, 7th, and 8th. And La Jolla,

March 3rd, with stand-up shows March 6th and 7th. We're getting positive feedback from our listeners and from the sound system right now. Kill Tony East. It's about to be announced next week, so keep your ear to the ground on that one. Also, Austin, Texas, coming next week.

Normally, you don't announce a city that announcement's coming, but I want you guys to listen if you were planning on skipping an episode or something wackadoodle like that. Delicious Caveman. Let me say this, is that we did a little experiment this weekend while on the road, and we stayed at a Lyric.

Yeah, that was fun. I wouldn't consider it a hotel. It's more of an experience. But what Lyric does is they go and they buy giant historical buildings. They remodel them from the inside out. And it's like an Airbnb. It makes an Airbnb look like an Air POS. You know what I'm saying? It makes a hotel seem like a no-tell.

It was badass, man. That was probably one of the best places I ever stayed at. I agree. It's a no-brainer. If you're in a major city, check out Lyric. So it was just incredible. One of the cooler things we've ever done one of the listeners uh or uh owners of it michael over there hit us up made us a little deal and uh just for us to try it out and it was mind-blowing how great it was it was a cool beautiful destination a cool, beautiful destination. Cool, beautiful destination.

Cool, beautiful destination. CBD. Hey, CBD. Hey. It's the holiday season, and Infinite CBD knows how stressful seeing your family can be. Maybe you've got to see them or buy gifts for these schmucks you don't even like that were mean to you when you were a kid, but now you have to be nice to them. Well, Infinite CBD wants to help everyone enjoy the holiday season, which is why from now until Christmas, they're offering our listeners 30% off. That's right.

If you use our code, Tony15, you're going to be getting 30% off. This is the sale of the year, and you need to stock up. So if you need help going to sleep on a plane, you can get the PM pills or gummies. If you like being awake and listening to your grandfather's stories, maybe you need some CBD AM pills. Or if you're using your girlfriend's parents' bed. If you need lube, you need CBD lube. Yeah.

If you need. I know. These things are ridiculous. You can just read. You can just read it. No, these things. Like, if you're in your grandparents' house. Oh, you're going backwards again.

All right. Okay. Or if you ate too much and you want to run off the stuffing, but your knees hurt, freezing point topical cream. Or they're great gifts. Just think about what your relatives are always complaining about and get them something that helps with that. Whoever yells the most. Give them the gummies.

Whoever likes to drink, get them the CBD recovery. Whoever complains about being in pain, topical creams. Don't buy CBD anywhere else. Infinite CBD offers the cleanest, healthiest, and purest CBD on the market. So once more, for a limited time only, you can get 30% off by going to Infinite CBD and using our code TONY15. And if you click the link in the episode description, we've got a holiday giveaway pack with over $1,000 in CBD

product for a lucky winner. So one more time, 30% off with code TONY15. Click below to enter a $1,000 CBD bundle. You guys ready to start tonight's show? That's it. We're in it. It's a real podcast, people.

That was a real ad read. You got to watch it. You don't get to see Joe Rogan do that in person, do you? Okie dokie. This is a very exciting episode, as all of them are, but this one's extra special. This guy's been on this show before. It's been way too long. We're so excited to have him back.

He's a two-time fighter and the kid champion. He's got this past weekend. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one and the only Theo Vaughn, everyone. Come on. Come on, baby. Come on. Fuck yeah. He's back

My man My motherfucking man The one and only Theo Bond The Rat King is back Gang gang indeed Welcome back Theo We're so excited to have you back

You're hilarious, of course, on everything, including this past week. And you got Thug Nasty coming on this week I hear. Is that true? Yeah, we got Thug Nasty, young white fellow, you know, doing his best. And so we got him. I love it. Absolutely. You know what we got here on this

show this week is a band. We have a band on this. You guys know about this show at all? Every single week, these guys commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. Maybe it's a brand new character we've never seen before. Maybe it's the return of some of their famous characters, like the Milkmen or the Feminists or things like that. Let's all find out what they are tonight together. It's the best damn band in the land, everybody. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Chroma Chris, and Joelberg Joel

Jimenez. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. What's this? Whoa! Uh-oh. Whoa! We've seen these guys before. These are some of the most

famous characters in the history of the show. These are some of the most famous characters in the history of the show. These are the billionaires. Wow. Oh. My goodness gracious. Wait, that's real money. What the fuck? You guys are fucking making it now, huh?

And you're rich guys? Yeah, rich guys. Reginald? Reginald Fontaine III. Reginald Fontaine. You're a billionaire, right? Yes. How'd you make your money?

I never asked you that. Immigrants. Oh, wow. My goodness. That is always a very shoddy mustache you have there for a billionaire. It seems to come off every time you hit your pipe. And then who's this young buckaroonie next to you? Is this your brother, Sully Sullenberger?

What is this? Roger McWater. Roger McWater. I invented pogs. Oh, wow. He made all that pog money. Sav invented pogs. Oh, wow. You made all that pog money. Saved it up. And then clearly back here we have the Mexican

Monopoly guy. This is exciting. What's your name? Do not pass go. Do not collect $200, you broke bitch. The name is Timothy Burkington. I founded Tapatio Hot Sauce. Whoa.

Alright. Timothy Burkington in the house. Tapatio hot sauce. Whoa. All right. Timothy Burgington in the house. These guys have been on before. This is my man slave. Thank you. There he is. Look at that guy. Wow.

There he goes. That's David Derry, everybody, putting a fake $100 bill in his pocket like it's real. Now, Reginald Fontaine III, last time you were on this show, it was a legendary episode. It was Dallas, Texas. I remember very clearly you got kicked in the head from a kung fu guy that tried to kick a bottle off your head. And I sued him for every penny he was worth.

I've never heard of kung fu. Wait, what? You call it kung fu. I've never heard of that. Yes, like from the Congo. Kong-fu. Okay, okie-dokie.

Thank you for the help, guys. Just play the drums, bitch. Oh, there you go. That's actually... That's actually, for those of you that don't know, you couldn't know because we were on the road when it happened, but that's actually the newest... We have two new sound effects that have been added to the soundboard.

That is my mother who decided to make a sound effect for when Joel on drums says something that isn't funny. Just play the drums, bitch. That's just play the drums, bitch. And then my stepfather Pat, who is just a wholesome good gentleman, doesn't know

nothing about comedy or anything like that, but he likes to make fun of people when a joke isn't funny, and that's this one. Well, that was a good one. Well, that was a good one. Well, that was a good one, so that's after something that isn't funny. So there's a little, came back from a little something from Youngstown, Ohio, where we went to my father's Italian restaurant, ate spaghetti at my mom's place twice on two different days, and we celebrated Jeremiah Watkins' birthday yesterday.

Jeremiah Watkins' birthday yesterday. Set up a little surprise party for him. Four different types of ice cream from Delicious Handles Ice Cream. So let's get it. We got everything here. We got Red Band, Theo, the billionaires, and it brings me to this, the Bucket of Destiny, everybody. A bunch of comedians signed up for the chance, for the opportunity to get up at the Mecca, the greatest stage of them all,

the main room of the Comedy Store. If I pull your name out of the bucket, that means you get 60 seconds uninterrupted to do whatever you want. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go. So wrap it up then because you don't

want to bring that thing out. You guys ready to start the show or what? Yes. After that 60 seconds, you stay on stage. We interview you. We talk with you about your real life, find out more about you, what you could be talking about, or what else is going on in your life. Maybe we talk with you about your set or what you look like, perhaps, or something. But don't they do bad almost every time or not?

Hey, you never know. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? Yeah. How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show?

With no further ado, the show will begin with the comedy stylings of Ashley Kelly. Here we go. Ashley Kelly. Here we go. Ashley Kelly. You got to yell for Ashley Kelly in that lobby. David Deary.

Ashley Kelly. From where? Over there or back there? Okay, so they're getting her. We have the flyer from Epstein's Island. Have you ever been to Epstein's Island? Oh. You guys just laugh like that? No, I'm coming, you idiot.

Wow. This guy's having flashbacks. David Derry, we need you to really be on the ball on this thing. I don't know what's happening while you're walking at an audience member's pace just through the back of the room and whatnot. But you said someone's getting her, but now you're going that way. So how could that be? And who is it? It's Ashley Kelly, but David, what makes you

say they're getting her if you went that way? There she is. Here she comes, Ashley Kelly, everybody. Here we go. The show has begun. Hey, what's up, everybody? Hey, hi. I think that stale pussy smells like Cool Ranch Doritos.

I know I'm right, too, you guys. I know I'm right. I feel like I noticed because I was in the seventh grade, and I was like, oh, you're supposed to change your underwear or else it smells like Cool Ranch Doritos. I just ran so far. There's money everywhere. Okay. Also, nothing's gross about that. Pussy's good. Doritos are good. So I don't know what your guys' problem is. My dad just got the Apple Watch and it keeps telling him to stand up at the end of every hour.

For most people, that reminds them they're lazy. For my dad, it just reminds him he's paralyzed. Thank you. Oh, I think that anal is a really good reason to fart in the morning and still be sexy. is a really good reason to fart in the morning and still be sexy. There you go, Ashley Kelly. My goodness.

Hell yeah. Look at that. Breathtaking performance by Ashley Kelly. I dropped a vodka sprite outside, and I'm so sorry to the door guys. Wow. No, the only one offended by that would be Brian Redman, everybody. Why'd you waste it?

He hates a good wasted. Yeah, he drinks a lot, doesn't he? Yeah, he does. How are you? You are out of breath. What's going on with you? I thought there was going to be a list coming out, and I didn't check the time. I'm awful.

Uh-huh. Yep, I was outside, and then someone was like, yeah, they just called your name. Right. And then I basically was dumping my vodka Sprite all over my body as I ran and then I set it down and it fell. Is that like a tradition or something? Yeah. In my family, you get paralyzed

and you throw vodka. No, I'm just kidding. You smoke? You a smoker? I vape. You vape? Yeah. You are out of breath like a motherfucker. I'm sorry. I mean, I don't understand. I understand that you ran. It's mostly the nerves.

It really wasn't the running, to be honest. Okay. Yeah. So if you were sitting right there and we called your name, you'd be this out of breath? Oh, no. Are you Darth Vader's daughter or something like that? What the fuck's going on?

Part running, part nerves. What PSI is that, Vader? Because it sounds like it's hitting you. Five percent. I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm okay.

Okay. All right, Cardio B. Please don't make me quit dueling. I'm okay. No, it's okay. Very good. You stepped on a great joke that I made. Oh, I'm sorry.

I called you Cardio B because you're so unhealthy. Do you go in the mountains a lot? Almost never. No. You ever do run-in or anything like that? Yeah, I like to run. I haven't ran though in probably like a year. To what? A vending machine? Oh, wow.

Timothy Burkington. Timothy Burkington coming out gunslinging. I'll buy this bitch right now. You look like you work at the Hot Topic in Alaska. Uh-oh, shit. She's losing a layer here. Oh, please, put it back on. It's paying her.

That's real money. This is a reverse strip club kind of ordeal. I think you look nice. I'm still wearing a lot of that. So, Ashley, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Two years. Two years. Where at?

Here? Orange County. I'm from Vegas originally. I was in Portland for a couple of months when I first started, but mostly Orange County and a little LA. What do you do for work? I'm a bartender. Waitress.

Yeah. How long have you been doing that for? I've been waitressing for like six years and then bartending for like a year. Do you think you'll always do it or do you think you're going to get into something else eventually? Hopefully comedy won't really kick it off, you know what I'm saying?

Bartend and comedy is my plan. What do you like to do for fun when you're not bartending or doing comedy? Any fun hobbies or things that you like to do? Ideas or anything. I was a jazz major originally, so I play the trumpet. And some piano, guitar, garage band. Really?

You play guitar? Yeah, a little bit. What do you know how to play on guitar? Anything good? Chords. Just chords, really. Any songs? I could a little bit. What do you know how to play on guitar? Anything good? Chords. Just chords, really. Any songs? I could do one song.

What's the song? Like a classical song my grandpa taught me. Oh. Is it about slavery? Yes, the good old classics. Because we can't play it here anymore, if it is. It could be about it. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe. What's your love life like? You got a boyfriend? Someone that, some breathtaking boyfriend or something like that? I have a boyfriend, yes. Uh-huh. Things get hot and heavy? Yeah.

How long you been with this guy? It's debatable because he had a girlfriend before me. Ooh, look at you. A little fucking side piece. Oh, we know you're always available. You're never going for a jog or anything like that. I'm not a side piece. Not anymore.

You're the main piece now. You got upgraded. That entree, mama. Hell yeah. You did it. You did it. Thank you. Yeah, I won, actually.

Yeah, I won. He's a good guy? He is now. Amen. Ooh did it. Thank you. Yeah, I won, actually. Yeah, I won. He's a good guy? He is now. Amen. Damn. How long were you with him when he was still with his girlfriend? How long were you in that position? It's pretty bad. Come on. A year and a half. Damn.

Look at you. You dirty, dirty girl. I stopped, though, a bunch of times in between that. I wasn't, you know. Wait, a bunch of times in between that what? Like I would stop. I was... Yeah. I broke up with him every bunch of times in between that. I wasn't, you know. Wait, a bunch of times in between that what? Like I would stop. I broke up with him every Saturday for like a whole year. All right, yeah.

Look at you. How much Lizzo do you listen to? None. All right, there you go. It took a little while to get that answer out of you. I don't know what he said. Nizzo? I said, how much nizzo do you listen to? Why men great till they gotta be great?

Am I right, ladies? Wow. Ashley, is there anything else crazy we should know about you? Any fun facts about you or the way you were raised? I was on the show before. Uh-huh. So I told you about my dad being sketchy. My dad told me if I get on the show again to tell everybody that he's not in the mafia,

not that anybody remembers this. Right. But I told you a story about my dad bought a farm when I was a kid. Uh-huh. And then everybody on the farm died. Uh-huh. Well, Ashley, you know, we forgot all about that. But now everyone thinks your dad's in the mafia, so...

Well... Is it your real father, is it? Yeah, my real father, yes. Oh, that's great. Yeah. You don't see that much. It's true. Yeah.

That's true. I know I don't know anybody whose father definitely has mafia connections. I would never admit to anything like that if I did. He says he's not in the mafia, though. That's very important. You believe him? No.

No. All right. I don't think he is now. He's paralyzed. How did he get paralyzed? A car accident. Jimmy, no legs. Where was he sitting in the car?

Was he driving or passenger? He was driving by himself from california or yeah from california to vegas on like the 15 and then the tread came off his tires and his car flipped like 15 times oh my god he broke his neck like in a bunch of places or whatever he's in the hospital for like a whole year or something wow how old were you when that happened eight eight years old yeah do you remember him coming back like, oh, what's going on? No. You know what I'm saying?

Or being like kind of different or seeming different when he came home? Yeah, my dad was actually, he was like in the Olympics and shit for discus. I also throw the discus. Wow. Well, I don't anymore, but I did. You look like you have a good build for throwing discus. Thank you. Yeah, you should see my form.

Oh, right. Whatever. Fuck it. Okay. You are throwing some other girl's dick in your books. Like you did with that guy. What's his name? I'm good at throwing stale relationships away. Is his name Ronald? Is that your man's name?

Can we call him Ronald? Is that cool? Let me ask you this. Now that he's yours and yours only, honestly, is a little bit of the excitement taken away for a girl like you that a year and a half you knew? No, because I'm still so worried he's going to cheat on me. Yeah, you should be.

It's very exciting. Yeah, you definitely should be. He's like, I don't know, I'm getting sort of sick of Ashley. You should hear how hard she breathes when she's sleeping. What were you going to say? It seemed like you had something you wanted to say there. Oh, but...

What was it going to be? What were you going to say? Oh, but my dad... Go ahead, just plow forward. We're talking about your father. I'm still proud of that minute. I've made it through. I was very far away.

Okay. Ashley Kelly, everybody. There she goes. Ashley Kelly. On to the next one. As the great Jay-Z once said, on to the next one. All right. Fuck yeah.

You guys having fun yet? You understand how the show works? Oh, there we go. At least we got that. Okay. Show rolls on. Your next comedian goes by the name of Ryan Joseph, everybody. We've seen him before. Here he is, Ryan Joseph. Ryan Joseph.

I was bullied as a kid. Every morning they would spin my food and call me a fag. I hated being homeschooled. My girlfriend said, Ryan, I think I'm bulimic. I was like, maybe you're just stressed out about how fat you are. Don't you guys hate it when you're at the gym and a pretty girl's sweating all over the machine? She sees you waiting and then she just wipes it down. sweating all over the machine she sees you waiting and then she just wipes it down it's like why do you think I came here my mom my mom likes to talk about how painful it was when she breastfed me

even though she was the one that made me get braces. We were really close. We even got drunk together a couple times, but we grew apart when I was born. Ryan Joseph, you did it again. Holy shit. Wow. This is his second time on this show.

This is your second time murdering. How's it going, Ryan? It's going good. I'm actually nervous. I got a piece of nicotine mint in my mouth, and it's just ramping up my heartbeat. I'm going to take it out. How much vodka soda did you spill all over yourself on the way here tonight?

She passed by me, but she didn't spill any on me. It's all good. She breathes fast. Welcome back, Ryan. Welcome back, pal. So how do you feel? How are things going? Is that how you expected that set to go? Yeah. I like to write jokes really tight, so

no matter how I feel, I know they'll land, usually. There you go. Remind us, long you've been doing stand-up. It'll be a year in February. Wow. Only one year, and this is it. This is the birth of a star. A star is born.

Somebody call Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga because a star is born. All right. Ryan, remind us, what do you do for work? I'm an instructional designer. Uh-huh. I just, like, build courses on a computer. Oh, that's right. You do the voiceovers for, what was it again?

No, no, it's not voiceovers. It's like if someone has to take a sexual harassment course when they start, I build that for them. Ah, hell yeah. Well, I build it for the company that needs to give their employee the sexual harassment course. And do you put like bonus questions or anything on it? Like what do you – you know what I'm talking about though? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like is there – how do you win it?

Like is there a chance to redeem yourself if you haven't been doing well? That's what I mean. Yeah. I usually ask them like, so what happens if they fail? And they're like, just let them take it again. Right. I once had to take one of those for a speeding ticket. It was like the dumbest thing ever.

They're like, you have to take this course, and if for some reason you get anything wrong, you just do it again and answer the other answer. And it's like, you passed. Congratulations. Yeah. Literally. It's just to cover their ass. It's all for legalities.

Yeah. But whatever. It's pretty easy, and ass. It's all for legalities. Yeah. But whatever. It's pretty easy, and you can do it from home and stuff. So you just sit on your computer. I can do it. Yeah. You just do it, and you send it to them. What does an average day for Ryan Joseph look like from beginning to end?

You wake up around what time? Be honest, please. Yep. I wake up at 6 usually. Wow. What do you do at 6? I make coffee You can just keep going Instead of me saying then what

Just keep going Make coffee I make coffee And then I try to write At least 20 or 30 minutes Then I get ready And my girlfriend will come out And yell at me for something

Come out of what? Like come out of where? Yeah The way you said it You made it seem like It's like some kind of Pro wrestling entrance Like music starts

And just confetti Pretty much Like what does she come out of? You mean come out of the room? You guys live together? Yeah yeah We live together She'll come out of the bedroom

Sometimes she's nice And then I'll talk to her She'll come out of the bedroom. Sometimes she's nice. And then I'll talk to her. She likes to talk in the morning. Yes, they do. Yeah, they do. It's just like I'm a morning person, and she just wants to talk to me. Right.

You can pay them to not do that, you know. Then she talks to you, and then what? She'll go to work, or I'll go to work, or I'll decide to work from home or something. Uh-huh, yeah. And then when you get home, then you're done with work, and then what do you do? You get in your car? No, I sold my car before I moved here.

So I just Uber everywhere. And I'll go to some open mics, or if I have a show i'll go do that straight from work yeah sometimes like here i'll go straight from work and uh come out all the way here usually not to get picked and uh sit there with like the line of like 200 comics and just walk away and cry yeah well that's how the other 195 people feel, too. I know all the pain. Well, there you go. Look at you.

My goodness. You remind me of the losing side of the Confederate soldiers, like right after they lost, just like real sad about it. Yeah, I can see him on there. Yeah, has anybody ever told you you look like a kind-hearted racist? Yeah. Yeah. racist? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Ryan, how long have you been with this girlfriend that you're with?

Um, like 18 months. 18 months, man. You're down to the fucking month. Look at you. It's cool, man. Yeah, you're in it. Do you guys love each other? Yeah, I love her.

I love her. That's cool, bro. Fuck. How long have you lived? It is, I love her. That's cool, bro. Fuck. How long have you... It is, man. It's hard to do, bro, to love somebody. Yeah, because it's like I'm obsessed with comedy and writing, and she wants me to do stuff like talk to her.

Go to Target. They always want to go to Target, right? Look at her. Yeah. Set one of your hands on her back like that for a minute. Yeah. It's like I have a vision. Yeah. Yeah, I feel her. Yeah. Set one of your hands on her back like that for a minute. Yeah. It's like I have a vision. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I feel you, though. I fucking feel you, bro. Yeah. I really do, dude. So it's crazy, man. I can't believe that we don't even fucking we've never even talked before.

I know. I can't. Are you where are you from again? I'm from Louisiana. OK. Yeah. So I'm. Louisiana. Okay, yeah. So, yeah. A couple map owners over there.

Where are you from? I'm originally from Florida, but I have family from like Mississippi. Mississippi is definitely. North Florida, so like Jacksonville and stuff. People fuck indoors and outdoors over there. You know? Yeah. Your dick works everywhere there. Yeah. No outdoors every day. You know? Your dick works everywhere there.

No matter the zoning, you know? Have you ever had sex with your girlfriend anywhere out of the ordinary, out of the bedroom? Yeah, I guess. Like where? Actually, no. With her, it's been... When I was younger, it was more like doing shit like that. Like buying a church or something.

Ooh, buying a church. Have you ever had a handjob in a Rolls Royce before? No. I highly recommend it. How about you, Timothy Burgington? Craziest place you've had sex? In the butt. Okay. How about you, Timothy Burgington? Craziest place you've had sex? In the butt.

Okay. Who is that? Elion Gonzalez, bro? Who the fuck is that? I stole that from a Family Feud clip on YouTube. It was even older than Family Feud, my friend. I believe that is the match game from the 70s. That's one of the oldest. Oh, I'm too young to know that.

I'm only six years old. Oh, my God. There it is. In the butt, Roger. All right. Well, Ryan, you've had a great set every time you've been on this show. So much fun. Incredible to watch.

I can't wait to see a new minute from you. There he goes, Ryan Joseph. He's on social media at RealRyanJoseph. All one word. RealRyanJoseph. Fuck yeah. Here we go. He did a good job, huh?

What's that? He did a good job. huh? What's that? He did a good job. Yeah, he's great. He did great last time. It makes you forget about that girl that went first quickly, huh? Yeah. Absolutely. It does, though.

You don't really forget about her, but it makes you kind of just... Just barely hope that she's doing okay, you know? She's gone, man. She's out there trying to fucking make sure her boyfriend's not cheating on her. Pulled another name out. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Eric James, everyone.

Eric James. Let's see what happens here. Shout out to those of you watching live on YouTube from around the world. Some technical difficulties tonight, so shout out to you for standing by us. One more time for Eric James, everyone. So, face fucking. I only got one minute, so I got to go hard.

No pun intended. Can nobody, is this thing on? There we go. Okay. So, face fucking is a great pastime of mine. I've been watching a lot of porn lately. I stumbled across face fucking, and now I'm addicted to it. I really enjoy face fucking.

The only problem with face fucking is most girls don't like to do it. So, I'm kind of trapped in finding the right one. But I figured it out. I have the solution now. I only date bulimic women. They don't seem to mind it. In fact, when I'm really horny, I'll just take a girl to the Cheesecake Factory, max out my credit card, and then

take her home and do it all night. Alright. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Face fucking. Sorry. So sorry. My god. Sorry, everybody. I apologize. He's apologizing immediately. Eric, on everything you do, you have to talk into the microphone. That's. My God. Sorry, everybody. I apologize. He's apologizing immediately.

Eric, on everything you do, you have to talk into the microphone. That's how it works. Be louder. It's a crazy thing. I've never seen anyone pull the old, is this thing on? I've never actually seen that in real life before. This is the first time. You actually used that to your advantage You spent the first 20 seconds of your set

Talking about how you only had a minute To perform A rare maneuver We don't see that that often Super nervous Yeah, no, that's good How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my very first time

His very first time, everybody Coming out guns a-blazin' with face-fucking material Hell yeah You made a couple ladies in the room actually gag everybody. Coming out guns ablazing with face-fucking material. Hell yeah. You made a couple ladies in the room actually gag just from your jokes. So that's incredible. That's how much you love face-fucking. So let's talk about it. How real is this?

Have you ever actually fucked a girl's face before? You seem like you're more slitting their throats or something like that. I've dabbled. In what? Face-hucking. Is that true?

It's true. Okay. How long do you do it for a long time? Everybody's done it a little, right? And so it's like... Well, you can only do it as long as they'll let you. Yeah, you can't do it forever. You can just do it.

You just kind of do it, and then you stop doing it pretty quick. I actually make love to faces. Yeah, you can't do it forever. You can just do it. You just kind of do it and then you stop doing it pretty quick. I actually, I make love to faces. Oh, wow. Oh my god, bro. It's even dirtier. My goodness. So, Eric, this is your first time on stage. How old are you?

40. 30. 40. You're 40, dude? My goodness. On last Tuesday. What? Turned 40 last Tuesday. Bro, look're 40, dude? My goodness. On last Tuesday. What? Turned 40 last Tuesday. Bro, look at him. Look at his face. I know.

He's got that fucking. Your face is fucked. There's Joel Berg. Come on, people. That was a good one. You look young, brother. Look at him. Look at this rich man, dude.

Yeah. He looks young, doesn't he? Yeah. You got a real fucking. You look young, bro. You got a real hitchhiker face on you. You look like you stole your clothes from a Cholo's yard sale. You look like an extra from that two billboards outside of whatever movie.

What? Just for a few people that saw that movie. It's two billboards outside of somewhere.. Just for a few people that saw that movie. It's two billboards outside of somewhere. I think fuck you're 1979. You're 1979. Wow man.

You look very young dude. I think you should get into something that's for young people that you know like a young sport or something. Yeah, absolutely. There's sports for people like you. It's like bocce or something like that. Child pageants. Yeah.

Okay. Wow. Scarier and scarier as the interview goes on. But you like scaring people, don't you? Yeah, that's fine. Yeah. People that comb their hair back like that love scaring people. Oh, yeah.

Every day you get to look right in the mirror and fucking be strategic with that shit. So, Eric, let's talk about it. What do you do for work? I'm an operations manager for a rental car company, so super boring. Wow, rental car company. My goodness. That's fun. So if you have car Insurance

For the most part do you really have to buy The insurance from are you just screwing us So we're just gonna bore everybody No I mean like I think that's like A legit question You just fill out a piece of paper and you don't have to Worry about it ever again talking to the Tip of the microphone Eric you fill out

A piece of paper and then you Never have to worry about it. You pay $14 a day. I don't like your fucking attitude. I don't get this. Why did you turn into the Allstate guy as soon as you started quoting insurance? It makes sense. It's smart.

You can total the car and fill out a piece of paper. I don't like your condescending tone. I know. It's boring. I do it all day. What's something that happened at the work one time, like a wild adventure that you guys had at the, at work?

Yeah. Buddy? I mean, it's a pretty boring job. Again, you don't have to say the answers are boring. You say the answer

and we'll make it interesting. Yeah. Just tell the truth. Your answer's boring. So every day. but we're not boring every day in the rental car industry you just screw over like 90% of the people that come

now we're fucking talking now we're getting something out of you we're paying like $13 a day that's what they say but then they throw in all that extra shit all that dirt ball fucking taxes and what not what's the wildest thing But then they throw in all that extra shit, all that dirtball fucking taxes and whatnot, right? What's the wildest thing?

So you never get, like, if you order a sedan, you're just going to get an SUV or a pickup truck. Dude, I'll tell you what we did one time. So we had a dent in a car or vehicle or whatever you guys call them. And, yeah. And, dude, we caught a couple of pigeons and got them to shit over the dent. Oh, you just held the pigeon over there? Yeah. You kept feeding it?

Squeezed it a little? And we didn't feed them. They'll shit pretty soon after you hold them. And we turned it in, and it had this kind of, you know, kind of just a shit finish, I guess, on it. And they didn't see the damage, you know? Smart. So that's kind of an old school thing, I guess.

Or new school. But. I would like to hire you as a man with your set of skills, Theo Vaughn. So, Eric, when you're not. Look at that woman next to you, bro. That's my wife. Lay off. I know it is.

Fucking Bartles and Janet. I know that's your lady, bro. I'm just saying she's pretty. Oh, yeah. Got beautiful eyes. Fuck yeah. I've always wanted to fuck a chick that looks like Orville Redenbacher.

Uh-oh. It'll cost you. Silent but deadly Chroma Chris over there. So, Eric, when you're not doing rental car shit, what have you been doing with your life up until this point? Give us some fun facts. Face the audience. Oh, sorry.

Yeah. I like video games. Really? Hanging out with my friends, yeah. What do you do when you hang out with your friends? Reginald? Mostly go to bars. I don't know how to tell you this,

but I think you may have outgrown video games and face fucking. Never too old for face fucking. So what else have you been doing? You're 40 years old. Tell us about your life, Eric. Come on, there must be some fun fact you want. You have the record for a field goal or something like that, back where you're from.

You ever been to prison? Nope. Not yet. Not yet. All right. Anything in your life ever happen to you in 40 years? Bounced around the country a lot, born in New York, moved to Denver, moved to Seattle, moved to here.

Why did you move so much? My dad's job. Your dad's job. Yeah. What does your dad do? He worked for Delta. Oh, what did he do for Delta? He was in reservations.

Reservations, so he's an Indian. Wow. Is he still alive? He is. Where does he live now? Utah. You close with him? Yeah.

Is he proud of you? Sure. Sure? Yes, his father's proud You close with him? Yeah. Is he proud of you? Sure. Sure? Yes, his father's proud of him, dude. Yeah. Alright. Right? Sorry, Tony. I shouldn't say that to you. No, that's okay. No, that's fine. Yeah. Whatever. Maybe he's not, but I think he is probably. He is. How about your mom?

Where's your mom in all this? She's dead. Oh, the old dead mom Jenkins over here. You got the old case of the old dead mom. Just follow dead mom. What happened to her? Diabetes. Oh. Wow.

The sugar, they call it in some places. It's all sweet until it's not anymore. That's what they call that. Bro, my uncle died of diabetes. They played pour some sugar on me at his funeral. Get the fuck out of here. Swear to God, bro. And some people think, oh, that's not a good joke.

That is fucking still a good joke. That's great. No, that's hilarious. They really did, man. It's crazy, bro. I bet your mom had some sweet tits. My mom had the smallest tits, dude. I had to breastfeed her. You know how hard it is

and how much neuroses you... Fucking watching a baby suck on a fucking... Just a little flat little tit, bro. You must have been starving. I've been starving my whole life, dude. Yeah. Your whole life you're fucking edgy. There's nothing available.

Right. You want more. So Eric, You're fucking your whole life. You're fucking edgy. There's nothing available. Right. You want more. Yeah. So, Eric, wow. How old were you when she died? It was 2007, so math. Right. Yeah, 13 years ago. Interesting stuff.

Wow, that's a lot faster than I can do it. Yeah. Well, I was actually 12. I fucked up. But, I mean, what are you going to do? I didn't want to try. It's all good. I believe that. Well, we're proud of you for getting up here actually 12. I fucked up. But, I mean, what are you going to do? I didn't want to try. It's all good. Well, we're proud of you for getting up here, man. That's right.

Your first time ever on stage. Eric James, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks, everybody. Here we go. Fuck yeah. How about a hand for the band, everybody? Look at them over here. Most podcasts don't even have a band.

We have the best damn band in the land. Your next comedian goes by the name of Brandon Biederstadt. Brandon Biederstadt. Here he comes. Here we go. Here comes Brandon Biederstadt. He's very excited. Big smile on his face.

Come on, everybody. One more time for Brandon. What's up, everybody? I'm going through a breakup for this set. Yeah, have any of you guys ever been dumped before? Wow, then you know what my girlfriend feels like, because I dumped that bitch. No, it's a pretty standard breakup.

Right now we're dividing the sex toys. No, she wants the vibrator. I just want the dog. We liked it rough. I thought about not saying that. I shouldn't have. I'm dating a new... I've been fucking a new girl,

and I thought that would never happen, but we were having sex the other night, and the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me in the bedroom happened. She called out another guy's name during sex. And that's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me, because I've never came that

quickly wow brandon i wish i hadn't done that either let's go absolutely fuck yeah you did both good and bad at the same time that was incredible that was the most laughs for a bomb I've ever gotten. Ah, well, there you go. You would know. You would know how many laughs you've gotten while bombing. Let's check in with Reginald. Yes, I must know. Did you regret

the humping vigorously at the end? Because that was my favorite part of the set. Did I do that? Yeah, you did. It was embarrassingly long. I dumped that bitch. So Brandon,

it seems to work every time. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Two years, baby. Oh, Jesus. Wow. Last time I was up here, I was very low energy. I'm trying to find a middle. Yeah, well, find the middle. Yeah.

Are you trying to find the middle, or do you think you've gone too far? Is this a little Goldilocks situation, maybe, you think, huh? Flappers, huh? Toning it down, Tony. Let's go. What do you do for work? I second AD. Uh-huh. Absolutely. Yeah, if you live here, Tony. Let's go. What do you do for work? Second AD. Absolutely.

Yeah, if you live here, you know what that means. If you don't, I'm sorry. That was pretentious. I am an assistant director. Okay, very good. And what else do you do? You're from L.A. originally? No, I'm from a small town in Iowa,

home of Maytag Washers and dryers. Wow, look at that. Fuck yeah. Awesome. Now I understand all the gyrating motions that you do unnecessarily while you're on stage. You may tag any of the jokes that you have at any point if you want to.

Seems like you move on pretty quickly. Reginald? I'm just curious once again, is anybody, when you say the Maytag fact like Oh wow Like there's not another thing about Iowa That might be more If there are any Whirlpool motherfuckers in here

I'll take them on right now But no Maytag let's go Alright I'm bombing just by association With you right now Yes absolutely you are There you go asking the tough questions Reginald Fontaine bombing just by association with you right now. Yes, absolutely you are. There you go. Asking the tough questions, Reginald Fontaine.

So, Brandon, how long have you lived in Los Angeles? I've been here for five years. The last time we were on I Did Kill Tony, we were talking about my Peruvian girlfriend and her chimichangas. Okay. It never goes well to bring that up. Okay. What part of Peru is your girlfriend from?

Lima. Uh-huh. Yep. Okay. What do you think about this guy, Theo? What are your thoughts on him? What do I think about him? I think he definitely has a good heart, but I think he definitely has a good heart, but I think also... But he's done some people dirty in his life, and I don't know if he'll ever get over it.

Wow. Is he pretty spot on here, Brandon? That cut deep! Heck yeah. Can you give us an example of when you did someone dirty? Recently, I got blackout drunk at a holiday party. Yeah, that was definitely recent. Maybe last night.

It was within like 24 hours. Yeah, what happened there? They've told me that I threw up in the middle of the floor. Oh, wow. Yeah. The floor is so big. I picked the middle. What kind of holiday party?

Where was it? College humor. My dream job. Oh, wow. Wow. So did you get it? I would like to try something. After every boring thing you say, can you say,

I dumped that bitch and then do the hip thing? I don't think that'd work. I dumped that bitch! It works. It works. That's incredible. That's mind-blowing.

The women don't like it, I don't think. Some of them do. $10,000 for the first man to kill this person on stage. He's trying to pay him to kill himself. That might actually work on Brandon. Cheer my name, yeah. You seem like Christian Laettner a little bit.

Does anybody ever tell you that? Nope. That is true. I'm going to write that down so I don't forget that. I get those vibes from you, too. Is drinking a thing that you do a lot? Yes, it is. You might have a problem with it?

Yeah, I think I got a drinking problem from my parents. Yeah. Uh-huh. My mom, she had a hard time deciding if I should be breastfed or bottle fed. So she just breastfed me while she was on the bottle. Hey, I dumped that bitch! That would have

destroyed. You had it. You let him steal your fucking punchline on that one. That was all you. He told you to do it and then you let him have it. That's crazy Brandon. Wow, Mexican taking a white guy's job. Wow.

You ever talk with your mom about your drinking problem? Oh, yeah, all the time when we're drunk. You guys drink together? Oh, yeah, and we do Coke together, too. Is that true? Wow. I'm going to let Theo take over here. This is...

Theo! You rang, brother? My favorite drink was coke, bro. I'm serious, dog. My favorite drink is fucking cocaine, dude. Dude, when I was young, I used to get liquor. I'd get gin liquor and pour it in the bathtub, lay in there until it fucking absorbed into my body

about a half inch. Oh, really? Yeah, I found out my parents do coke when they started buying it from me. Oh, wow. How did that happen? They noticed I was more hyper than right now and they were like,

hey, man, you either gotta stop or gotta start selling it. Wow. I think the problem is that you actually sold got to stop or got to start selling it. Wow. I think the problem is that you actually sold it to them. Yeah. You could have said no. I made a lot of money. I didn't give them great prices.

Yeah. $20,000. Up the ante for you to kill yourself. This is an unheard of deal. $20,000 cash to kill yourself right now on stage. With this sword, right? Hey, however, I think it's up to Reginald, really. He's the money man here.

How do you want him to kill himself? Asphyxiation. That's how the rich people like it. I've done plenty of choking. Thank you, though. I dumped that bitch. I dumped that bitch. All right, Brandon. We're going to keep it moving on. There goes Brandon Bederstad,

everybody. He's on social media. Bederstad. B-E-A-D-E-R-S-T-A-D-T. Bederstad. Just the last name. Hell yeah. Wow. Hey, David Deary, try restarting the internet router. Can you hear that, David? Jesus fucking Christ.

We have the worst production team here on this show. It's just unbelievable. These guys, they start the show, and then they go out on the sidewalk, and they introduce themselves to people like, yeah, I'm the producer of the sold-out show going on inside right now. What's up?

It's literally what they do. A bunch of morons. It's hilarious. They try to find other jobs while this one's happening. I pulled another name out of the bucket list. That's not right. It really is. Put your hands together for C.J. Landry, everyone.

Oh, here he is. Hey. Money. Money, money, money, money. Bum, bum he is. Hey. Money. Money, money, money, money. Money. Here he is, C.J. Landry. What's up? I'm happy to be here.

I'm from South Louisiana, so I grew up around a lot of domestic violence. Yeah. There was so much domestic violence in South Louisiana. It was even in some of the phrases that we used. Like one of the phrases was, jambalaya's so good, make you want to slap your mama. And my mom was a really good cook,

so my dad beat the shit out of her. And I went to Catholic school for a little while down there, and I don't know how much you know about Catholic school in the Deep South, but it's basically like going to a boot camp for a cult. And I'm left-handed, so Sister Ann saw me writing with my left hand. She said, boy, are you writing with your left hand? And I said, yes, ma'am. She said, son, that means you've been touched by the devil,

which was bullshit because it wasn't the devil, it was Father Jacobs. He made me left handed. He preferred the left. Thank you. Wow. C.J. Landry. Beautiful performance.

This is your second time on the show, is that right? Yeah, second time. I remember your last time you were having trouble getting over your girlfriend, and you kept a T-shirt that you got from her that was keeping you connected with her, and we cut it up to end the episode. Burned that bitch, too, didn't we? Yeah, we lit it on fire. Almost burned the comedy store down.

That was great. For a second, yeah. Are you still thinking about her right now? Okie dokie. Nope. So anyway, did you notice that after that that it helped you get over her a little bit?

Yeah, I mean it was kind of something I was carrying around. I think it was just because it was, I don't know. It was just in my car. I moved here and I took all my shit and that was one of the things I took. So I honestly should have thrown it away when I moved. Right, exactly. But now we took care of that for you.

You moved here just a few months ago, right? Yeah, three months ago. Yep, I lived in Dallas for a year, and I left Louisiana. And look at you. Now we are here halfway through the show, and you have clearly what appears to be the set of the night going for you so far, talking about real life stuff. I absolutely love

the Louisiana slap your mama joke. That's hilarious. That's something that you can talk about because you're from there. You get it. Theo, you're from Louisiana. What do you think about this guy? Yeah. When you said Landry, I knew he was from there. That's the only place I've ever heard

that name. What part are you from? I'm from Houma. Oh, yeah. Dude, Houma's a good place, really. It's a good place to have a friend. It's real soft down there. The land is real soft. Like, you could be talking to somebody, and then they just fuck you.

I'm not even joking, bro. And people are so nice, they'll listen as they just fucking go straight to the fucking ground. They just sink into the ground? Yeah, they're like, I'd love to stay, but... It's just that kind of place, man. People are real friendly down there. Yeah. Wow.

That is so cool. That's awesome, man. How long have you lived out here for, you said? Three months. Oh, wow, man. Yeah. We actually hung out after a show in addison uh you bought me food and shit dude i did yeah wow look at that good guy theo vaughn being exposed

here why to me what kind of i mean i'm glad i did something nice it was a seafood restaurant we were with uh like a i mean i would hate to say a drunk bitch, but it was. She was trying to fuck you, I think. Oh, she was? Oh, yeah. I'm trying to think about it. That happens often, I guess. I don't know about that, but people are fucking everywhere, dude. That's true.

Look at videos of different countries, dude. People are fucking all over. That's true. Every time you close your eyes, somebody said there's like 11,000 people having sex. I never thought of that, but I guess that's right. Every time you blink, I mean, like that. Right. If you don't never think of it, then you're probably not one of the 11,000.

So CJ, again, last time you were here, we were talking about how you were having trouble getting over your old relationship. Have you hooked up with another girl since being out in Los Angeles? Yeah. I've actually been kind of like conserving my cum because I've become a sperm donor, actually. Is that true? Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. Through the church or was it through a group or how did you do it? It was through a sperm bank. It was? Yeah. Heck yeah. It was through a youth group.

They commissioned it. Well, a lot of times churches will do it and keep it within the church if they have a big group. But you can go bank if you want. Heck yeah. All the priests sit around doing shots all night. Look at that. We have Catholic Jeremiah Watkins laughing at that one. That means that's a good one.

Yeah, they laugh at those religious people. Give me that holy water. So when you say that you're conserving sperm, what do you mean? You just go into this bank and just fucking hold them hostage or something? What are we talking about? No, so I'm trying to do it as much as I can per week and, like, max is three, and you have to, like, stay celibate in between. Really? You can choose not to do three, much as I can per week and like max is three and you have to like stay celibate in between. Really? You can choose

not to do three, but I want the money. They want that prime pop, bro. You have to stay celibate to celibate? What the fuck? Hey, look at that. They don't want that diet soda, bro. They want that code red. Yeah, it's pretty lucrative. Yeah, it is, dude. If you like ejaculating

and you like driving to a building, you'll fucking love this. Do you have a special technique when they put you in the room with a little, is it a couplet? It seems like it'd be hard to shoot a load into a cup. It seems like a tough angle. Oh, yeah. You just sort of hang it over like a Klan hood or something like that? Yeah, I kind of angle it like I'm filling a beer. That's kind of how I do it.

Oh, okay. Because it's like you're kind of doing it with one hand, and you're holding the cup with the other. So you stand straight up and beat off into a cup? No, I put the seat cover on the seat, and I sit on the seat, and then I... What kind of seat? It's a toilet? No, it's like this plastic shit.

It's like a little plastic stool. A special chair? It looks like a dressing room. A car seat? That's what it kind of looks like. What? It looks like a dressing room. It looks like a dressing room? Yeah's what it kind of looks like. What? It looks like a dressing room. It looks like a dressing room?

Yeah. Reginald. Well, I suggest you lay down on your back next time and put the cup on your belly button. You ever do that? You ever do the old... It's foolproof, gents. Oh, there goes that mustache.

I feel like I'd spill it. I don't know. Yeah, you don't want to do that. But let me get this right because I'm trying to get the picture painted here. So you're sitting in a special plastic chair. Is it like a patio chair? Yeah, a little bit. Can you show it?

Can you do an act out of what it looks like when you're sitting in the chair? Yeah. Just ignore Reginald doing physical comedy on a podcast. You're in this plastic chair. Is it bottomless? Is there a bottom on the chair? No, it's kind of like a I don't know. Is it anything like that stool? No, it's like a wide blue

plastic chair with thin legs. How tall is it? It's probably about this tall. Okay. Just sit on it. Let's say that that's the chair. We'll picture armrests. There's armrests there? No, there's no armrests. It's just a on it. Right. So let's say that that's the chair, okay? We'll picture armrests. There's armrests there?

No, there's no armrests. No armrests. It's just a beat-off chair. Yeah. Right. And it's blue. Does it have a back? No back.

So it's a stool. Is there a spotter in there or anything like that? It's against the wall. It's against the wall. It's just a public restroom. And they have a little sink right there. There's a little sink? There's a little sink.

They have lotion in there? Yeah, they also have a TV on there. It's because they have DVDs that you can pop in. Oh, porn DVDs. Yeah. I never want to be touching those DVDs. Yeah, they were sticky when I first opened it. Is that true?

Yeah, and they weren't in the sleeves at all. You just opened it up and they were just falling all over the place. Hell yeah. No, absolutely. Did they let you take your phone in there? Yeah, they do. Have you ever looked at porn on your phone while doing it? Yeah, that's the way I do it.

That's the way you do it. You don't want to touch the DVDs. They got magazines, DVDs. It seems old school. You go in there with your own freshy fresh. I got the hits loaded. Reginald. What is your category? Mine is poor people bagging groceries. What is your category?

I don't know, man. Yes, you do. Mine is homeless people crying. I like thick Latinas. That's my thing. Whoa, there it is. This motherfucker said he didn't know. You remember when he said he didn't know 17 seconds ago?

Eight seconds later, thick Latinas came out of nowhere. Absolute nowhere. Don't respect the shit out of nowhere. Absolute nowhere. Don't respect the shit out of that. He's making it rain. Oh, Timothy Burlington. Tony, do you have a category? You know my

category. We've talked about it on this show before. Thank you. Big tit cream pies. Diehard fans already know. category. We've talked about it on this show before. Thank you. Yes. Big tits cream pies. Diehard fans already know. There's something about a porn star coming inside of another porn star that just I can't

figure out why I love it so much. That guy just said I seem to that one. And then there was a guy on Kill Tony a few weeks ago that said that he helped with pornos. Remember that guy? And he said that he said that most of the cream pies that you see in porns are fake. But I've been doing research on this and not the ones I watch, all right? The ones I watch, I have to make sure that it's real.

Because you have to see it. You have to see it, like, happening. Sometimes they do the thing where they're just fucking coming and then they pull it out and they're coming and then they put it back in and they're coming. And the chick's just fucking like, I'm disgusting. And it's beautiful. It's a work of art. Next thing you know, I take my cup right to the front desk and get my fucking money. You know what I mean?

And do they pay you? Is it based on, are there any parameters? They pay me every step of the way. They pay me to get my prostate checked. Wow. Amen, brother. Yeah. Amen.

They just pay you for everything. Yeah, $300 to get a finger in the butt. Praise God, brother. Is it like yogurt land where they weigh it? They do weigh it, I think, actually. It gets more per pound. I wasn't insecure about how much it was at first. I mean, it was really not that much compared to the cup. What if you have a drop, but it's very dense? I don't insecure about how much it was at first. I mean, it was really not that much compared to the cup.

What if you have a drop, but it's very dense? I don't know. I don't know how they test it. I just remember walking up the first time and, like, dumping it off to the guy. So it's really just about purity. It's about quality. They're not testing the quantity. It's more like Heisenberg levels type of count that they're looking for.

Sperm count, yeah. You ever weigh it down with a couple of BBs or something like that? You know what I'm saying, though, bro? When you finish coming, you go, I dumped that bitch! Wow. Well, CJ, look at you. You're dropping loads and fucking making loads.

That's incredible. Welcome to town, man. Bienvenidos. That's it. CJ Landryry ladies and gentlemen Way out ahead with the set of the night CJ Landry comic on social media All one word

CJ Landry L-A-N-D-R-Y comic on social media That's fun Let's do one of our regulars We have regulars on this show, ladies and gentlemen. This is exciting stuff. This first guy, wacky dude, very silly, very funny. A lot of people either love him or they hate him.

He's a very polarizing figure. I fucking love him. He cracks me up with his silly style. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together. Make some fucking noise for the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Here he is. What's going to happen tonight?

Big pop from the crowd. Nice to be here tonight, BET! But seriously, first and foremost, I'd like to give a moment of silence to my brother, J.C. Penney. He was recently diagnosed with hoof and mouth disease. mouth disease. I shit my pants the other day. Luckily, I was at home. Last night, however, I wasn't so lucky.

Hey, Teresa, what happened to my dungarees? If I have a little girl, I would like her to get involved in beauty pageants. I feel like best ages for that are three to five, just because you can really dress them up how you want, really get them in the right poses. Fuck yeah, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, hey, money. William Montgomery, a very fun set tonight.

Teresa, how are you? Oh, he's saying hi to someone in the crowd. Teresa, how are you? He's looking at saying hi to someone in the crowd. Teresa, how are you? He's looking at a woman who seems confused right now. No surprise there. William, how are you? I'm over here. William.

I am pretty good. I'm going back to Memphis next week for Christmas. I'm going to miss the 420 show. Oh, you are. This is how you tell me that, huh? That's a bad idea, William. Red being what? That's a really bad idea. You heard me the first time.

I had to miss a show. My goodness. So, William. I can't be here. What the... That sums it up, guys. My brother's sick. Is your brother sick?

What's he sick? He has hoof and mouth disease. Oh, my God. I don't know if I believe that for a second. He was kissing horses down in Mississippi outside of Jackson. I told him not to. He has all these scars on his face now. It looks like Edward Scissorhands.

Oh, that's a good reference. You looked at Theo when you said that. You always try to impress the guest. You always try to... Theo, what did you think about that one? I felt like it started off good, and then I felt like you didn't know even you got lost in it at the end.

But I thought it was okay. I'm excited all of y'all are here tonight. Theo and I were talking before the show earlier. I'm about to become his opener for his Phoenix, Arizona show. Oh, my goodness. Did you just invite yourself to open for Theo? Super excited, super sweet you did that. William. Yeah, I was gonna invite you next week at the 420 show, man.

William, this is very interesting. I can't be here next week. Oh, we had no idea. That's when the author will be here. Okay, William. What's been going on in your normal life this week? His brother died, dude.

No, he's still alive. He has hoof and mouth disease. Well, he'll die soon, probably. William. William, it seems like you're ignoring me a lot this week. Is everything okay? I've been drinking Listerine. Are you mad at me? Seems like you might be a little you mad at me? Seems like you might

be a little bit mad at me since I texted your father that you have to see a doctor. You did, and I think Larry watches all of this. I lied to him telling him I got a doctor's appointment. I didn't. I don't know how Aetna healthcare works. Wait. You didn't get a doctor's appointment?

I lied about it. I need to get one. You lied to all of us. You said that it was this Wednesday. Oh, that's Christmas. No, that's a... Wednesday is Christmas. Red Band, stop.

I mean, my goodness. Don't fuck this up. This is one of my better sets. It seems like you say that a lot. And then you throw a fucking wrench in it. Why is a Muslim person not up front? Oh my goodness, what is that supposed to mean? That was my best set last week.

Oh, okay. That's right, man. You got to front load this place with some fucking decent slims, baby. You feel me? Absolutely. Why'd you lie to us, though? Yeah, where's Richard Slim? Yeah.

Is he Muslim? He's Muslim. He's from Qatar. He's a gasoline worker. A gasoline worker? What the fuck, William? That is so on the nose for a gasoline worker, not even oil.

He doesn't hear too good. He's a big reader. He reads a lot of Shel Silverstein. A lot of light in the attic a lot of where the sidewalk ends yeah we've been talking online i'm gonna be in qatar next week let me ask you this if you were going to open up uh for theo in phoenix uh can you give us an example of what your opening line would be what you can i give you my william william william i don't know if you're paying any attention here tonight. Maybe the drinking starts a little bit earlier

every week with you. Let me ask you this. If you were going to open up for Theo in Phoenix, what would be your opening line to the crowd in Phoenix? So I'm the opener, you're the feature. Ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery, everybody. How about a hand for William? Let's give it up for the Padres San Antonio!

That's a different city, William. The Padres are... Theo, here, this is probably my bread and butter. It's a Christmas-themed joke. I know I've said it before, but Theo, I think after this one

you're going to think, oh my god, he's going to open up for me. I like this joke, and it is holiday themed, and you're not going to be here. Christmas theme. I've got a whistling album coming out in a couple weeks. It's about what it sounds like. Just my brother and me whistling songs like Jingle Bells. The night before Christmas.

Where'd the cookies go? Smells like dad's been down here. Who put so many logs on the fire? Why does he have to drink so much? Get behind the sofa, he'll see you. Who's he yelling at? Oh my God, what has happened? Stop saying that, get behind the sofa. He's staring right at you. How doesn't he see you? With classics like Get Under the Porch, I hear his truck coming up the driveway.

Please eat it. He'll just get more mad if you don't. And it's not a ghost in the closet. It's just dad. There you go. How about now? How about now? He wants to... How about now?

Still no. This is one of the weirder things you do, William, is put people on the spot like this. That's going to open up for them. I like it, but I still... I miss... Probably not. Yeah.

But I love it. What do I have to do? Huh? What do I have to do? That? What do I have to do? That's a good question. I don't know. You always, like, I don't know, man. You always just start talking to me real fast whenever you're drunk and it gets on my nerves.

Hey, there's a little honesty for you. Ooh, Jeremiah's clapping. You know what I'm talking about, Jeremiah? They have a weird relationship. Yes. Or Jerry. Hey, Theo. Yeah.

Do you eat certs? Yeah, I've had a decent amount of it in my time. Me too. All right, bro. Okie dokie. Ladies and gentlemen, there you go. Another brand new minute from William Montgomery. There he goes.

We're going to get back to the bucket. We're going to get back to the bucket in just a minute but before we do, we have another regular, everybody. He's been absolutely on fire lately. Mind-blowing writer. Absolutely

incredible roasting abilities on this guy. Mind blowing writer. Absolutely incredible roasting abilities on this guy. One scary dude. I think he's absolutely a star and he's just going to keep getting bigger and bigger. Make some noise for the great David Lucas everybody. Here he is. David Lucas. Here he is in the flesh. David Lucas.

Yeah. I have a grandmother who's half white, so I see white people in a different light than most black people, you know what I'm saying? Like, I don't think y'all are as racist as the world try to paint y'all out to be. Like, I don't think white people are racist when they follow black people around in the grocery store

I think y'all niggas just trying to learn how to cook Like oh my god Did she pick up ground beef, bell peppers and onions Yeah Patty It's called a meatloaf you should try that shit But there's only one white lady I know that can cook And that's Paula Deen

For real And the way that bitch fry chicken She can call me a nigga There's only one white lady I know that can cook, and that's Paula Deen. For real. And the way that bitch fry chicken, she can call me a nigga. She's like, how's that chicken, nigga? Good as hell, Miss Deen. Crunchy on the outside, juicy on the inside. She's like, I like it. Thank y'all, man. She's like, I like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank y'all, man. That's my time, man. My goodness gracious. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. You know, just to give some perspective, if you listeners and fans of the show haven't figured it out, being a regular on this show is so much harder than being pulled out of the bucket. These people pulled out

of the bucket, maybe they've been doing it for years and they're doing their best minute or maybe they're lucky enough to get pulled twice in a few months and they get to do their second best minute and every single week, David Lucas comes out here and lands at least one of the best jokes of the night. You did it last week. You did it again

tonight. That's the horse of truth. My goodness gracious. You did it again tonight. That's the horse of truth. My goodness gracious. You are just incredible. Yeah, what's up, Tony? Welcome back. What are you doing? Why are you eyeballing me like that? Why are you scanning me up and down?

Because you look like Pee Wee Herman's shoe. Okay, all right. Black and white jacket. Okay, come on. I didn't know you know Joe Dirt's son. Oh. Oh. That motherfucker got a Cracker Barrel mop on his head.

Oh, shit. Well, you would know. I mean, no one knows more about barrels than you do, David Lucas. You are built like one. Yeah, yeah. What is that chain connected to? Yeah, you'd think a black guy would be more worried about having chains on his shirt. Man, shut your Mexican Bill Clinton looking ass up.

Just play the drums, bitch. Oh, there it is. What is Red Bad doing? It's my mother. Did y'all spike his drink? What are they doing? Weird shit. No, it's all good.

He's being silly. So welcome, welcome. I'm still trying to figure that out, though. That really is. A fan made this shit and sent it to me, bro. It's like a wallet chain for your armpit. Look at that. My God.

Whatever the opposite of Django is, is what that is. That's fucking Django too much chains. Django. So you and William had a show down in San Diego the other day. How'd it go? It went good, man. We probably had like 85, 90 people. You know what I'm saying? One of the

guys who's been on Kill Tony opened up and hosted for us. Who's that? Keneath. Black dude with a big-ass afro. Oh, okay. That sounds about right. Yeah. I went to Tijuana. You went to Tijuana? Oh, there you go. Fuck yeah. What'd you do down there? Not spend a lot

of money. Right. Yeah, it's only down there? Not spend a lot of money. Right. Yeah, it's only like 30 bucks to fuck a person, right? Had you been there before, David? That was my first time going in like eight years. You know what I'm saying? I don't remember the last time I went. I was drunk as shit, but this was fun.

Did you eat? Yeah, I ate a lot, man. What'd you eat? Fish. I don't eat fish. Oh, yeah, that's right. I had a... Do you know what kind? Like, was it like a local,

was it like a regional? I went to this place called Lionfish. It's in downtown Tijuana. Not too far from Hong Kong. The strip club for all you nasty motherfuckers. Very good. Ari Maness goes there all the time. Yeah, he does. He loves that shit. He has a residency down there.

You can buy a bottle of liquor for like $20. It's cheap, bro. That's like shit. Did you? Did you buy liquor down there? Hell yeah. And you and William probably got fucking.

William couldn't come because he didn't have no passport. Oh, yeah. I don't know how it now works. What a nightmare. What a nightmare. My goodness. So what did William do? He just stayed in San Diego?

Yeah, he was with Kenith. How do you say that nigga? Kenith. Kenith. Sat at the border with binoculars. I was looking all over the border. Picture me and David Lucas. Having sex with some mamacitas.

Jaws 2, The Revenge. I love it. Yeah, he stayed in San Diego, did his thing. You know what I'm saying? Chill. How long were you in Tijuana for? Like four hours, but I almost missed the show, bro, because I didn't know it was going to take so long to get back over the border.

It took like two and a half hours. Right. That shit was crazy, man. I almost missed the show. I got to the show started at 930. I got to the club at 908. My goodness. Who would have guessed a guy that looks like you would be running late for his show?

My goodness gracious. Here we go. Shocking. I would have guessed. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I know you would have guessed, motherfucker. My goodness.

So what else has been going on in life, David? How's everything else? You getting ready for the holiday season? Yeah, be honest with us, David. Yeah. About what? Just about the holiday. Like, do you have big plans?

What do you have? I mean, just bought my daughter a bunch of shit. My birthday on December 28th. Oh, wow. Oh, look at that. Telling us it's your birthday. Well, I mean. That's nice, man.

Is there something you want for your birthday? I mean, we know you eat cake daily, so. I mean, shit, I don't know, man. I pretty much get everything I want. Like what? Yeezys. Whoa, yeah. You're going to have to ask Santa for that one. Or ask my mama. Hell yeah.

I'm still a mama's boy. You go back home for Christmas? Nah, fuck that. Do they ever send you gifts or anything like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My mama draw some money in my bank account for me and my daughter. Goddamn, fuck yeah. Look at that. You got a cool mama. Oh yeah, she gonna buy my daughter an iPad for Christmas. Oh, that's nice.

Oh, shit. Hell yeah. Do you have an iPad? Yeah, I got like two. Oh, wow. I mean, you could have just given your daughter one of those, but... Nah, nah, nah. I'm gonna buy her the mini. The smaller one. I got the, but. No, no, no. I'm going to buy her the mini. The smaller one. I got the big ones.

That's fun. I like that. That's beautiful, man. Thank you, bro. What you going to get for Christmas? I don't know. My sister just asked me today, but I don't want to text her back, dude. I'd rather not get anything from her.

You should ask Santa Claus for a mustache. You think? Oh, come on. I think he looks good. What's wrong with this look? He wants his mustache drinking beer. I wish I could drink beer, man. I'll fucking buy cocaine.

You're from Louisiana. I know, but I'll buy cocaine, man. I'm addicted to drugs and alcohol. So if I have a half a beer, dude, I will have seven bottles of cocaine. So, I can't do it. But, what am I getting for Christmas? I know what I'm getting, dude.

I'm getting a shirt. My brother's getting me a shirt. Yeah. And what else, man? What kind of shirt? Huh? What kind of shirt? Large, large shirt. This motherfucker crazy. No, it's true.

Do you wear those shirts with, like, wolves hollering at the moon? No, but my mother does, though. Oh, God, yeah. So I might give my mom a fresh piece of turquoise, you know? Your fella? Turquoise. What are you, like, half Indian? No, I'm a little bit Nicaraguan.

Fuck out of here, man. That's not a racial slur. You want to say nigga so bad? I don't. Dude, I don't say it, man, unless you do. You know what I'm saying, boy? I'm joking. You got the voice of a nigga that owned my granddaddy.

I never say it first, bro. Yeah, you sound like the nigga from Wonderland. I don't know. Oh, I haven't seen that yet. No, I would never do any slavery or nothing like that, bro. Ever. Fuck out of here. Look, bro, I promise you that, dude.

I promise you, bro. And you know that. You probably got a back tattoo of a Confederate flag. No, dude, it ran. That's the problem. You got truck nuts on your car? No. No truck nuts?

No, bro. I can't do any of that shit. You got one of them shits that say Confederate pride on your car? Okay, David, David. Let me ask you a question, David. What's up? Do you think that Santa Claus is white or black? That's a black.

He's black, right? Yeah, yeah. Coming down my chimney. Yep. Sneaking in. Doing that shit while you sleep? That's a nigga. We've been through the class.

Yeah, but he's got to be on time. That nigga ain't never on time. Only works one day out of the year. One day out of the fucking year. Oh, it's only funny when the black guy says it? Alright, it's racist if I say it. That's a nigga, bro. He fucks a fat white chick, too.

Red band? Wow. That's funny Red Band Red Band look at this Red Band Red Band stealing the show He says something funny all the lights go crazy There's pyro and shit

Santa's a black person man Wow My God. Santa's a black person, man. Wow. My goodness gracious. Leaving colon stockings seems like something a black guy would do, right? Nah, I think a black person leaves some fucking switches. Hey, I like that idea. All right.

I don't know if white people know what switches are. Nintendo Switch. Yeah. You talking about Swisher Sweets? The blunt wraps? Switch. When your mom about to beat your ass, she be like, go get a Switch. Tear it off the tree. Y'all motherfuckers get time out.

No, no. We got belts, man. Tony, go to your room for 30 minutes. Our moms all had belts. We're not all lucky enough to have moms that can only wear sweatpants throughout their lives like you, David. All right. Yeah, man.

My grandpa used to paint us black and beat us, I remember. Is that true? My grandfather. Oh, my goodness. That's incredible. I believe that shit. Reginald Fontaine, the third. I can totally relate.

When we got in trouble as children, mother would exile us to one of the neighboring islands. Bro, that's the dude. That's the slave guy. Look at him, man. But listen to you. Nah, man. You gotta listen to me.

Wait, let's do an exercise. How about I open my mouth and move it while you talk for you? Okay, sorry. He's the one underwriting it, though. You sound like Robert E. Lee, grandson. He's the one underwriting it. Is he moving his lips? I can't see. He is.

That's a different, like, corporate that's something different. Yeah, but they're doing what they're doing. You're more hands-on. These motherfuckers just pay black people less. That's what they're doing, man. I would never have a slave, man. I wrote it down somewhere earlier.

Yeah, they have it right here. He did. He wrote it down. He says, I will never own a slave. That's what this says. And I underlined it, bro. Yep. Yes, he did. Made it bold. Exclamation point. The purple sweatshirt, throw your slave feng shui off. Oh, yeah. There you go.

That negates you having a slave. Is it purple or do you consider that grape? All right. We got to keep it moving. Lord knows I could spend all night up here with David Lucas. We got to get a couple more bucket pools. We went to the regulars a little bit quick tonight. Come on, people.

David Lucas, everybody. That's as good as it gets right there. You're going to see this guy on everything. HBO specials, Netflix. You're going to say you saw him here on Kill Tony. Back to the bucket we go. What do you guys say, huh? How about you back there in the upper deck? How are you guys doing back there? You good? How about you back there in the upper deck? How are you guys doing back there? You good?

That's some half-ass energy coming from the cheap seats back there, huh? You guys feel a little disconnected from the show? What? All right. Make some noise for your next comedian, Frankie Hoy. This is a new name. I'd remember this one if I saw it before. Frankie Hoy from the Lucky Table. People from that area always

get picked. Here he comes. Come on, ladies and gentlemen. We're here. We're coming around the bend. This is it. Kill Tony live. Frankie Hoy. This is the shit, man. Fuck yeah.

I'm spending way too much money on street food, man. Street food is the shit, though, right? Like, street food is so good, we ignore all health code violations for it. Straight up. Like, if you go to Subway, and the guy making your Subway sandwiches isn't wearing any gloves, that's fucking disgusting that I'm out of here. But if you go to a baquero down the street, street and the guy making tacos isn't wearing any gloves you're like yeah

these are gonna be good these are gonna be good dude I fucking I saw an ugly person with a hickey you ever seen this shit that shit caught me off guard what the fuck you didn't see that shit about ugly people with hickeys

cause a regular looking person with a hickey? You didn't see that shit about ugly people with hickeys? He's like, oh. Because a regular looking person with a hickey? You're like, ah, cover that shit up. You don't got a job or what? Right? Ugly person with a hickey? I was like, good for you. Good for you.

Fuck, I don't know. I went to a funeral. Oh, fuck it. Frankie Hoy. Making his Kill Tony debut. I would remember you, Frankie Hoy, but this is your first time here, correct? Yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah.

Welcome, welcome. Your eyes are small for your head. Has anyone ever told you that before? Your eyes are like two sizes too small. You look like someone who created a player in a video game and then gave up. They're just like, oh, I forgot to adjust something. I can't remember what. It was the eyes. Your eyes are set to

small. Everything else is regular size. Frankie Hoy, you are Mexican? Yeah. 100%? Yeah. There he is. Look at that. Slow clap, as always. I was born here, though.

You're from here in Los Angeles? I can tell you're Mexican. You look like you were born in center field at Dodgers Stadium. I mean, it's incredible. No, I'm from the Valley. I just moved out here from Riverside. Oh, hell yeah. Mexican as shit. Riverside, definitely. What do your parents do? I mean, I was a truck driver,

and my mom was a crossing guard at an elementary school. Mexican as shit, absolutely. Crossing guard. Crossing guard's cool, man. Crossing what, the border? One of the easier gigs in the world, right? Crossing guard? I don't think so

Would you daydream a little when they got fucking kids? No, dude That's a good point No, some dude Well, she works out in Paris Some dude recently pulled up in her car And she was like, yo, back up, back up He's like, no, I got shot

She's like, what the fuck? And she looked over and his arm was out bleeding And he legit got shot And later on that night, two blocks over, two people got shot by the same person. So he was just trying to get away. It was in the news and everything. Crossing guard where? Burbank doesn't have this.

No. It was in Paris. Lake Paris, not in France. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just don't know where they have crossing guards, Brian, because you're not allowed within 500 feet of a school. That's true. I was a crossing guard when I was

six, though. That's so weird that your mom had... You were six? Are you sure they didn't just tell you you were a crossing guard? Like, our elementary school... Our elementary school... Who's a big boy crossing guard? Here you go. You made 50 bucks today being a crossing guard. Oh, thanks. You made 50 bucks today being a crossing guard.

Bro, you wasn't a real crossing guard. No, like our elementary school, when you're a sixth grader, you were the crossing guard during like lunchtime and stuff. Yeah. Nah, man. Who's crossing during lunchtime? Yeah. It's beautiful, man. It's like Bernie Sanders. Tell everybody they're a crossing guard. Who's crossing during lunchtime? It's beautiful, man. It's like Bernie Sanders.

Tell everybody they're a crossing guard. They're like, we've got to figure out something for this Brian Redband kid to do during lunchtime. He's eating too much. Maybe you were, Brian. I know, that's funny. You were a six-year-old crossing guard. Did they pay you? No. What a dog shit job that is.

Yeah, I don't understand why, but it was during lunchtime. We were allowed to go home at lunch in elementary school or Taco Bell down the street. This is how we find out Brian was homeschooled. Frankie, what do you do for work? I'm a truck driver as well. Whoa, fuck yeah. If Jeremiah and I drove by you and went like that, what would you do? I? I'm a truck driver as well. Whoa. Fuck yeah. If Jeremiah and I drove by you and went like that, what would you do? I would do it.

What the fuck? Goddamn motherfucking right you would. Yeah, surprisingly enough, adults only, like, kids don't do that anymore to me. I know. It's just adults. I know. And adults love it. They laugh and they give you the thumbs up afterwards, right?

Yeah. That's some fucking real Midwest shit right there. I'm from Ohio. He's from Kansas. We've traveled the entire country together and we love making trucks honk. The police are here for you, Frankie. Wow. So what else

is going on with your life? What do you like to do for fun? Drink with the homies. But I've been cutting it down. Drink with the homies? Yeah. Do you do drugs as well? No, no. No drugs. Just drink. Yeah. Alcohol is a drug. What. Drink with the homies? Yeah. Do you do drugs as well? No, no. No drugs. Just drink. Yeah.

Alcohol is a drug. What do you and the homies like to do after doing some drinking? Do you guys have any hobbies? Do you guys play cornhole or anything like that? Violence, huh? No. Violence. No, we just talk shit.

Yeah. I live in a van. That's interesting. Oh, yeah. You do. You live in a van. That's interesting. Oh, yeah. You do. You live in a van. Yeah. I moved out from Riverside out here.

I live in a van down by the Riverside. Yeah. How long have you lived in the van for? Dude, a month. I'm like two days. And you can do whatever. It's just you in there? Yeah. Yeah. Do you have a van made or anything? I'm sorry? Do you have a van made in the van for? Dude, a month and, like, two days. And you can do whatever? It's just you in there? Yeah, yeah.

Do you have a van made or anything? I'm sorry? Do you have a van made? A van made? Yeah, like a person living in there. No, no, no. Like, when I live in an apartment, it would get, like, messy and shit. But, like, in a van, like, as soon as it gets messy, I get anxiety.

So I clean it up really fast. Yeah, absolutely. It's nice to be cleaner in the van. I once spent a good part of a summer sleeping in my car when I very first got out here. Well, not when I got out here, but when I started stand-up comedy. I was working here all day and working shifts at a coffee shop. And I just had it all figured out. I slept in the car, would shower back here, actually, in this main room, green room,

when the cleaning crew would get here at 5 a.m. I'd be in there when the sun came up. And it was one of the most organized times in my life. I mean you get up and you fold your fucking blanket. You put it in the trunk with all your folded clean clothes. I mean there was never like you would you just you didn't you can't get behind there or else you're a fucking or else you have

nothing once you lose control of it all. So that's interesting. You do your laundry a lot. Yeah. And the Mexican is fuck. You fell back into another trap. No I'm kidding. I can't relate to any of these stories So how long in the van now? A month and two days And you're from Van Nuys, is that what you said?

And does the van at night Do people bother you? Does it have a ladder on the back or anything? No, no, no. I park it right in front of where I work. It's like a very industrial area. So a bunch of trucks are always passing by. Exactly.

Nothing. No one bothers you there. Yeah. That's a good spot. How do you take care of the showers and whatnot? The gym or my home. Like other comedians just go to their apartment and shower. You ever use the gym or you just use it for the shower?

Well, I mean, like my work is kind of a gym as well. I pick up recycled tires and shit and throw them. So my work is a workout and then after work. I mean, I haven't worked. I came here right after work. I'm still dirty as shit. You have a what? What did you just show me there?

Oh, like my arms are all black and shit and stuff from work. So I'll probably shower tomorrow after work. Right. That's cool, bro. It doesn't look that black to me. David Lucas was up here before you. So my contrast is a little bit off. You look whiter than Reginald Fontaine III to me right now.

Frankie, what's another thing, before I let you go, that we should know about you? Another fun fact about Frankie Hoy. Something interesting? You have any special skills or talents? Do you play any instruments or anything like that? I play like La Bamba on guitar. I play it and then people will be like, it's tight. Could you play some more?

Mexican as shit. I mean, wow. La Bamba? On an actual, like on an acoustic guitar? Yeah, or like a regular guitar. Just the intro. Just the intro, yeah. Yeah, like so... That's all you need, bro. What do you mean

just the intro? Would you be willing to give us an example of what that sounds like? Yeah, bro. To get all that... That's all you need, bro. Here we go. The mic's in the mic stand. Chroma Chris, team player. Always down to... I know who I'm hanging out with after the show. Yeah, this is it.

Let's see what happens here Can we get a mic up to this? Can you help us with the audio here Reginald? No it's okay It's not anticlimactic at all Oh this is exciting Oh they're getting advice from a fellow Mexican here Yeah.

Hey, look at that. That's beautiful, man. Can I get a coffee for work? What's that? Can I get a coffee for work tomorrow? Absolutely. Nitro Caveman Coffee.

Absolutely. Use the promo code KILTONI. Save 20%. Go to cavemancoffeecompany.com. There he goes. Frankie Hoy, everybody. Look, we're running out of time. You guys think one more? All right, one more.

We're going to get through real quick here. Make some noise for Egan Robinson, everybody. Egan Robinson, E-J-A-N. Egan. Come on, make room for Egan, people. Where is he coming from here? Make room for him, people. Here he comes.

Make room for Egan, everyone. Here he comes. Here comes Egan. This is very exciting. This is another, I believe, first timer here on Kill Tony. Your final comedian of the night. his name is Egan Robinson. Come on. Yeah.

So I read all the Twilight books, all of them, and not once did any of them mention perhaps the greatest threat to the vampire community, AIDS. You think a race of creatures that drink people blood to survive didn't contract the AIDS virus? That's the real reason you don't see vampires out in the daylight. Most of them died in the 90s. Rest in peace. Easy E. There aren't a whole lot of things

from the Bible you can say today that would make sense out of context. But I think aren't a whole lot of things from the Bible you can say today that would make sense out of context, but I think calling someone the king of the Jews is still a pretty good insult. Wow. Look at this. Wow. Very impressive. A lot of people on this show, they come up here and they really desperately try to get laughs. And very rarely do I think the jokes are smart. And I think you're a pretty smart writing dude. How old are you?

I'm 24. 24. Wow. You look so young. That's incredible. Where are you from? New Orleans. New Orleans.

What is this? This is a very Louisiana-themed show we have here tonight. That's incredible. Where are you from? New Orleans, New Orleans What is this a very Louisiana themed show we have here? Do you travel as a group motherfucker? I love it. It's true gang gang tonight. Yeah, Mike Katrina were displaced still Katrina Guy you're a badass Theo. Are you just visiting or you live here now? No, I live here now How long have you lived here? I've been here for almost a year now. One year. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Eight months. Eight months. Oh, shit. Look out, dude. This guy's coming for all our spots. Egan Robinson, 24, doing it eight months. I already have two great jokes. It's incredible.

What do you do for work? I work at a cryotherapy studio. Fuck yeah. So I freeze people. Cold as ice. And what do you all freeze? When you guys are doing it, what do you do for work? I work at a cryotherapy studio. Fuck yeah. So I freeze people. Cold as ice. And what do you all freeze? When you guys are doing it, what do you guys freeze? What do you mean?

Like what do we use to freeze people or like what does it get rid of? I think Theo's wondering what you freeze for fun when people aren't in there. Like what are things like? Oh, it's not dead bodies. It's not like Walt Disney's head. Oh, like living people. Oh, it's not like that. Like living people walk in and they stand in a chamber.

Oh, I thought you – And they spray spray nitrogen gas at them for three minutes. Is it real or fake, though, being frozen? Does it do something for people? Do you really think it does something for people? Do you think it's fake? I will say a lot of it is fluff, but it does do a lot of good for people. Yeah. Inflammation. It's good for inflammation and pain.

A lot of people have arthritis and stuff. Over time, it helps with depression and anxiety, so that's pretty cool. Really? Yeah, I think so. Basically everything CBD does. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly.

You can go to InfiniteCBD.com right now. Use the code TonyPating at 30% off for the holidays. It's incredible. Did you start comedy down in New Orleans, or no, you started here? No, I started here. Oh, that's cool, man. Started in March.

That is awesome. That is absolutely awesome. What do you like to do for fun? What's a 24-year-old do for fun nowadays? I don't really do a whole lot here. I mean, I like to... I don't know. What were you going to say there? I was going to say, like, I watch Netflix, but that's just really boring. I listen to podcasts a lot.

Yeah. I listened to it this past weekend. Of course. But, like, come on. Give us something here. Like, there must be some hobby or special skill or talent or something. No, I mean, I like to read every now and then. I'm really not that interesting. Do you own any humans? All right.

No, I do not. Hey, you have a girlfriend? No. When's the last time you had a girlfriend? Never. Never? Wow, really? Not once.

Have you kissed a girl since being here in Los Angeles? Yes, I have. There you go, bro. God damn it. That would have been a great out. Drop that face work on him. Who'd you kiss? How'd you do that?

Was it a prostitute? No, no. Honestly, here, the only girl I kissed was in March. Yeah, what happened in March? I went out in Santa Monica And we went to some like karaoke place We went to the Gaslight Oh yeah, Gaslight's awesome

Yeah, it's pretty cool Dude, that place is fucking crazy, bro And then we got a lift back to her place And then we like went after it What'd you do? I like that You naughty little boy, you Tell me what you did with this girl. We didn't sleep together. She was on her period, but we did pretty much everything.

Oh, shit. A tale as old as time. So how far did you get? What'd you end up doing? She end up giving you the old fucking... Honestly, we like dry hump. It was the weirdest thing. It's alright. People do that all the time. There's nothing wrong with that. Did she ruin your jeans?

What? Did she spill on your jeans or anything? No, no, no. Next time have sex with a girl and the cleanup is on me. Oh, look at that, Reginald. That's exciting. Dude, that's, March has been a bit though, huh? Are you chasing women out there? Are you doing all of that?

Here, it's kind of hard because you need money to go out. And so that's been my main crux, really. So you kissed a girl in Santa Monica, but you've never kissed a girl in Hollywood. Am I correct on that? Yes. Well, you know what, my friend? We have to end this show somehow. I mean, this is the part of the night where I have to ask.

I mean, look at this cute little 24- little 24 year old he's as innocent as it gets is there a lady out there that's a fan of Kill Tony there's one right here look at this we got a live one right here put that mic back in the mic stand wow so you guys are going to square up Wow. So you guys are going to square up just like this. Look at this.

She's pretty cute, too. Look at these. She's got some bouncers there. He's got a boner. Wow. All right. Praise God, brother. This is beautiful. Egan is as hard as a rock right now.

Ladies and gentlemen, 24-year-old. Here we go. His first Hollywood kiss. Yeah! We did it again. Fuck yes. That's how we do it, and that's another episode of Kill Tony.

That's beautiful. Come on, ladies and gentlemen, how loud can this place get for the great Theo Vaughn? There you go. This past weekend, a new episode coming out this week with Thug Nasty. How about one more time for his first Hollywood kiss, Egan Robinson? How about one more time, our first time ever at the Comedy Store, Ashley Hackett, everybody, with a big kiss, bringing us home tonight. Here he is, the leader of the band, Reginald Fontaine. It's actually Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. He's got dates coming up continuously. He's headlining Kansas

City, Chicago, Detroit, Albany and a bunch of other places. JeremiahWalkins.com for tickets. A new episode of Jeremiah Wonders just came out at midnight with Rick Glassman and episode 100 of Jeremiah Wonders is coming out right now. Is there anything that I'm missing? Jeremiah, stand up. Jeremiah Walkins? Yes.

The calendar's in the front. 33% off currently if you'd like to get a physical copy here at the Comedy Store. It's on clearance, ladies and gentlemen, the 2020 Big Gay Brand Calendar. How about a hand for Chroma Chris, everyone? It was him. He was Roger McWater

the entire time. And Chroma, what do you think about tonight's episode? It was rich, Tony. And there he is, the one, the only, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everyone. Come on. He did it again. He's mostly sorry on all social media.

He's an official Ludwig artist, so check him out on everything that he does. Calgary, San Antonio, Houston, Vancouver, La Jolla, Tempe, Kill Tony East. It's all coming at you. Go to DeathSquad.TV or TonyHinchcliffe.com for tickets to all that. I'm also doing stand-up in a lot of those cities. TonyHinchcliffe.com for tickets to that. It's your last chance to get the Kill Tony book for your Kill Tony fan in your life for Christmas. That's at RyanJEBelt.com.

Look at tonight's drawing. Look what he did. Oh, my God. Wow. Okay, that is just beyond cool. It's frightening how good he's getting every single week. Every print of every show is available. RyanJBelt.com.

Next week is it, guys. This is it. Special secret 420 episode. If you've ever smoked pot in your life, you might want to be here for that one. You're going to want to go to this one, guys. Yeah, it's a very, very special one. I can't tell you who the guest is. It got bumped back a week, so if anybody bought tickets for that for tonight, we substituted

for Theo. That's getting bumped back to next week, so congratulations and apologies. Live audience, we love you so much. We're doing something crazy here. This room's not supposed to be filled every Monday at 8 p.m., and we're making history here, so thanks for being part of it. We love you. Good night. Thanks, guys.

Red Band. Red Band.もう 夏に騒ぎちゃう そうすることでまるで 一晩は中色に染めます 何かと理由を見つけては ありがたいので かたまって かたます なななななななななな黙りだましご視聴ありがとうございました you