KILL TONY - KILL TONY #425

Episode Date: January 2, 2020

Big Jay Oakerson, Luis J Gomez, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 12/30/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to all the shows. And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live. We're at the Comedy Store every Monday at 8 o'clock, but we're always on the road,

so click on Tour Dates to see where we're at next. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own tour dates, like his comedy shows. He also has some merch up there, so check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, that's the house artist. He drew the Kill Tony book. He has a bunch of stuff for sale. Check out RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. that's the official merchandise of the death squad universe we got some kill tony shirts over there we got some death squad hats and mugs check out shop squad.tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony I'm sorry. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store main room

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Wow, look at this. What a dream setup we have here. It's Monday night. We're at the Comedy Store. You guys excited? All right, sweet.

Beautiful. Heck yeah. The great Brian Redband's here, everybody. Hey, everybody. The great Ryan J. Ebeld already drawing tonight's episode. This is very exciting. He draws every episode. All those prints are available at ryanjebelt.com.

This is very exciting. He draws every episode. All those prints are available. RyanJEBelt.com. A bunch of the Kill Tony books have been selling out over the Christmas holiday here. And those are all available at Amazon Prime. Just type in Kill Tony and the first thing that pops up is every version of the book. It's good to be here back at home.

Always having fun. I have to fly to Texas tomorrow. I'll just release the final tickets for the two shows that I have in Plano tomorrow night, and that's that. And then we go to Texas all together in two weeks. San Antonio, the 9th of January. Kill Tony and a stand-up show all in one night, and then we do the same thing. Kill Tony and stand-up two nights in a row in Houston, Texas, January 10th and 11th.

Calgary, Kill Tony, January 23rd, and then a weekend of stand-up shows. Four shows, the 24th and 25th. I do stand-up alone in Tempe, Arizona, February 6th through the 8th. We do Kill Tony Vancouver the 21st of February. Kill Tony East, coming back to Swansea, Massachusetts, right in between Boston and Providence. Venus de Milo, the second ever Kill Tony East.

It's a beast of a show, always fun. Best lobster. That's right. And March 5th, La Jolla, California. March 12th, Ventura, Kill Tony. Number two, we had a lot of fun there a few months ago. We're going back. And then Kill Tony, Boston, April 9th.

And then 10th and 11th, it's stand-up shows. And then April 25th, Austin gets us again for Kill Tony, Moon Tower. We're coming back. So there you go. You guys excited to be here? I am too. And the reason why is because of amazing caveman coffee. I absolutely love it. It gives me all the energy I need.

I'm also feeling great because we had some delicious Vito's pizza. This is the new thing. Some guys over at Vito's have great taste in comedy, big fans of the show. So they've been bringing pizza by. It's right down here on La Cienega and they want us all over. It's undeniably the best pizza anywhere around. Go to www.vito.pizza and check everything out there. Jeremiah has dates coming up. Chicago, Detroit, Tahoe, Buffalo, Syracuse,

and Albany. Go to jeremiahwalkins.com for tickets to that. You guys ready to start the show, huh? Guys, get it. It's a podcast. We have to promote things so that we can make money so that we can put it in our wallets. Wallets are important, right, sir? Wow, what a proper gentleman. I fucking like your style. You have any idea what show you're at tonight? I love it. Well, welcome, welcome. We're going to have a blast. I'm going to check in with you periodically throughout the show to get your full report. You seem like a proper gentleman. You're well-dressed.

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It's a real live podcast. This one's guaranteed to be fucking electric, ladies and gentlemen. Two of our truly, truly of our favorite guests of all time. These guys are our New York brothers. Always exciting, edgy, fucking electric fun when they're here. Make some noise for them. It's the guys.

It's the Legion of Skanks, Big Jay Oakerson and Louis J. Gomez. Skankfest. Netflix. Comedy Central. The greatest comedy festival on the planet. These guys have it all going on. Our friends.

Welcome back. How are you? Thanks for having us back. We're so excited about this. I can tell this crowd feels amped. Was that sarcasm? Because I feel like they're not that amped. It was sarcasm, and they responded in like.

I think it's a pretty good crowd. What do you guys think about this guy over here? He said he was here because he's a big fan of the skanks. Which guy? Good. I thought he was here to show me my Christmas future. He's from England. This is your first time at the comedy store?

Well, welcome, welcome, my little friend. Oh, tis it. time at the comedy store? Well, welcome, welcome, my little friend. Oh, tis it. Lewis, of course, has Skankfest coming up. Skankfest Houston. As always, he's on tour with Kurt Metzger.

They're actually in San Diego this weekend at American Comedy Company, but a lot of dates coming up with you and Metzger. Go to lewisjgomezpresentslewisjgomez.com. Big J is going on a massive tour, the You Gotta Want It tour. It's available, tickets available at BigJComedy.com, the

You Gotta Want It tour. I love how Tony is just mocking the name of your tour to your face. And Jay was so insecure about naming. It's the first time he's ever named a tour. And Tony is snickering in his face. And Jay is heartbroken right now.

Now, stand by it. You got to want it. 2020. Coming to a town near you. BigJayComedy.com. Of course, he has the bonfire. You guys are both on the Legion of Skanks with our brother Dave Smith,

and we're so excited to have you back. You guys are probably the most team together guests we've ever had, Big J and Louis J. No doubt about it, in fact. So you guys know the flow. You know the show. And you know that there's a band on this show, correct? Yes, indeed. Actually, the last time we were in New York all

together, and we had, of course, U2 on, the band became U2. It was unbelievable. Jeremiah pulled off an amazing Big Jay Oakerson. Yes, indeed. And, of course, Joel Jimenez, the Mexican, played a Puerto Rican for the evening, Luis J. Gomez. It was a very, very big stretch. Yeah.

It was a lot of fun. Let's find out what they all are tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. They're in a separate dressing room. It could be anything. Maybe they're them again. Maybe they're famous characters from the past. Maybe it's brand-new characters we've never seen before. Let's see what they're going to be. They're in a separate dressing room. It could be anything. Maybe they're them again. Maybe they're famous characters from the past. Maybe it's brand new

characters we've never seen before. Let's see what they are tonight. It's the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Chroma Chris, and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Uh-oh. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Wow. Wow. This is very impressive. I would have guessed mimes, but they're not moving like mimes. Yeah.

All right. Well, what are you, sir? Welcome to the show. You have a lot of swagger to you. White man. White man talking into the microphone. Wait, what? On Kill Tony on a Monday night.

Feeling good inside. Feeling good around on town. Louis J. Big J. Lots of J's. Smoker J. How you doing today? Are you?

My name is Pino like the grease. How you doing today? Are you... My name is Pino, like the grease. How you doing? Pino? Pino, like the grease. Okay, Pino. Nice to meet you. Welcome to the show. And you guys are poets?

Is that right? Ha ha, yeah. All right. And then over here we have Chroma Chris, who appears to have a linked sausage for a mustache tonight. At least I can grow one, Tony. Named Slicky Ricky over here on the bongo. Oh, my goodness.

Really a lighting change for that one. Wow. What is it? Slicky Ricky? Slicky Ricky and Pinot. Oh, okay. Slicky Ricky? Slicky Ricky and Pinot. Slicky Ricky. Back here we have

I don't even know what this is. Seems like a French lady tourist or something like that. The name's Julio. Oh, wow. I'm here to smoke grass and grab ass. Okie dokie. This is the first time we've ever had poets on as the band.

Well, that's not how poets act. They don't smoke grass and grab ass. You're a Puerto Rican. Yeah, but it did rhyme. All right. Well, we have poets tonight. It's an interesting character that I never thought we'd ever see on the show, but you guys look the part.

And we have Big Jay Lewis, Red Band Soundboard, which brings me to this, the Bucket of Destiny, everybody. That's what these people all care about. It's magical. Everybody signs up before the show. Sometimes it's audience members. It's mostly comedians that are just hoping and praying that their

name gets pulled out so they can perform 60 Seconds uninterrupted on this stage in front of a sold-out main room here at the Mecca at the Comedy Store. And then we interview them, talk with them about their life, answer the questions honestly is always the best policy so we can find out more about you and what makes you different. You know your 60 Seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. That's it.

You guys ready to start the show? This is it. Guys. All right. I'm going to tell you something. I get it, all right? A lot of you, this is probably your first time at the show. You're visiting from London and shit like that.

I'm here every week. You guys need to make a little more noise. Are we ready to start the fucking show tonight? There we go. There we go. How you doing? Sometimes we have to jolt you fuckers awake. All right.

So your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds and then talking with us afterwards, staying on the stage, goes by the name of Chris Marvallo. Chris Marvallo starts the show. Chris Marvallo.

Wow. Is there Chris anywhere? Is there movement over there? Chris Marvallo? David, you got anybody in the lobby? Luke, is there anybody in the lobby? No.

All right. Last blacklist. He missed his spot. I guess he beat it. Hey, that's right. All right, pulled another name out. Make some noise for Mia Mars, everyone. Mia Mars.

We got movement over there? It is standing room only in the comedian section tonight. It is a lot of traffic. Yeah. Sit at the table. One more time for your first comedian, Mia Mars, everyone. Everyone.

Why does everybody think I'm a cutter? I'm not. I burn myself with cigarettes like an adult. It's gonna get darker, just admit it. Also, why does every guy I hook up with on Tinder want me to roleplay as a dead body? Starting to think it's me. Serves me right for using Tinder. Tinder's a sad place.

It's where dignity goes to die. It's the baker's field of dating apps. So I'm single. My ex-boyfriend and I had a suicide pact, but he kind of jumped the gun on that one, you know? Yeah. I'm Mia Mars. Thank you very much. All right. Mia Mars.

Welcome, welcome. You've been on this show before, I remember, because of your face. Yes. She looks like the girl from the movie Coraline. Sweet Coraline. All right, all right. By the way, they're beatniks. Beatniks.

Beatniks. That's the word? This girl gets us. Wow. All right. Very good. So welcome back. Remind us, how long you been doing stand-up again?

Seriously for about three years. How about unseriously? Oh, God. I dicked around 20, 21. 20 years? No, no. I was 21 years old. Sorry.

Don't make us do that. You want us to do math? No, I'm 28 now. So no, I was 21 years old. Sorry. Don't make us do that math. You want us to do math? No, I'm 28 now. So like, I guess seven years ago. 28 years old. What have you been doing with your life? Were you a coal miner? Face the audience so that they know what the fuck I'm talking about. Were you the president of the United States?

Yeah, look right at me. How did you age so horribly? Lewis. What? You son of a bitch. That's what we were all asking. Have you been stirring a witch's brew for a few years or something? Were you born inside of a hot topic?

Did you piss off a genie? What's the answer here? I think I look like Grandpa Munster. Is Tim Burton your father? Anyway. You're a cigarette smoker? Oh, yeah. What kind of cigarettes?

Menthols, Camel Crush. Oh, shit. She bangs black dudes. Is that true? Have you ever been with a black man? Yeah, who hasn't? Girls who don't smoke menthol cigarettes. Well, how do you think you get them? I gotta

be on a comedic level. If you said, why do people think I'm a cutter and then just chilled on that for 30 seconds and then did that last thing? Yeah, but I only got 60 seconds. Yeah, yeah. I'm saying the last 30 and the first second. Fire.

Which is a high level if you can carry that for an hour. You know what I mean? Where do you mostly perform at? Graveyards. Whoa, a strong Joelberg chant coming from the middle there. Listen to that. These are some real fans here tonight, huh? Hi, Didy. So, Mia, what do you do for work? Lately, I've been book selling.

Book selling? Yeah. What year are you in? Book selling? I like to read. Also, why do you laugh like the Count from Sesame Street? I know. And fellas still are a little, you know.

I sell books. A lot of people think I'm a cutter. One cut. Two cut. Three cut. You're going the wrong direction. Four cut. Three cut. Ah, ah, ah. You're going the wrong direction. Four cut.

Ah, ah, ah. That'll do it. How long have you been selling books for? A couple months now, actually. A couple months. What kind of books? Spells and shit? You go to Goodwill. You go out of the the closet Satanic Bible

So you go to those stores And you buy books And then you resell them Yeah Wow So you like turn them And burn them online basically Not online

I prefer to go You must be making Hundreds of thousands of cents You can make money Mewling books From one bookstore to the other I feel like you could pick any other product and have more success selling it.

Books? I like to read. Yeah, but other people don't. Luis J. Gomez does not know how to read. So, when you're selling these books, you're selling them online. I've been getting into it more lately,

but I just prefer... I don't know. I don't like technology, really. So how do you sell these books? I just go to other bookstores. You go to other bookstores? Yeah, I pretty much just slap them between one bookstore to another, and then some other fucker buys them, and then, yeah. You might as well try to sell them anvils and big hammers.

It seems like a heavy load to be carrying around. Just dragging a suitcase of books around Oh yeah, I have no furniture I just have books Is that true? Kind of, yeah How many books do you think you have? Oh, fuck me

No one wants to do that You'd be surprised Not on a pile of books You'd be really surprised That'd be an uncomfortable fuck Oh, so many edges Oh shit, there's an encyclopedia Britannica in my ass.

Would you describe your ideal man as Pinhead from Hellraiser? What is your current love life situation, Mia? Dicking around.

I don't know. Can't get over the ex. Every time I want to, like, get over him, he fucking shows up. Oh, I thought he killed himself. That was just a joke, by the way. That was a really good joke. Do you say his name in the mirror three times? How long were you with this guy for?

Like nine months, something like that. I don't know. He was kind of perfect. Why was it perfect? Tell us. Look out at the audience. You keep facing us. I do.

All right. You talk. You answer me, but look at them. Like you're performing on a live podcast or something like that. Tell the world why was he perfect? The perfect man. We. Not we, he.

He and I were really, really, really into serial killers, and we would just talk about that for hours and hours and hours. Is that true? Oh, yeah. Wow. Who's your favorite?

Son of Sam. Wait, national or international? Oh, good question Wow. Who's your favorite? Son of Sam. Wait, national or international? Oh, good question. Oh, that's a great question. Let's go international. What are you thinking? International, the chessboard killer. Maybe a Van Sloot?

The chessboard killer. The chessboard killer? A lot of people that are obsessed with serial killers end up committing murders themselves. Is this something you've ever thought of doing? Have you ever thought about killing anybody? I'll answer for you. Yes, she has, dude. 100% yes, she has.

These black people are so on edge in the front row. She's obviously never killed or murdered on stage. Oh, wow. Oh, no, she's turning into a bat. But luckily, if it all goes bad, he could just turn into a bat. Samia, have you ever seriously thought about killing someone? Just animals. Just animals?

Have you killed animals successfully? Do you have any cats? I don't know. You ever step on a turtle or anything like that? A lot of us have done things like that as children. We're not going to admit it right now, but we want to know if you will. We've all suffocated a dog. It's fine. You can tell us.

What is the largest animal you've killed in your life? Just tell us the truth. We all want it. Her ex-boyfriend. Nick, Mac, Patty, Whack, give the dog a bone to a head. All right. Kill the dog. There you go. It is

dead. Okay. Mia, what's the largest animal you've ever killed? Tell the truth. Just give us the truth. No, don't. Get out of here, kitty. Get out of here. Probably just a giant bug.

Oh, really? That's it? Bug was her cat's name. That's my role. Don't kill things. Oh, you're such a pussy. I am. I am. I am.

I'm really a softie at heart. Yeah. This is all a mask, you know? What's a mask? A mask. Thank God. Holy shit, I was going to say. It certainly looks like it.

Oh, I knew there was no way a woman would look like that. All right, Mia. Well, way to get the show started today. Very compelling interview. Don't go killing anybody. There she goes, Mia Mards, everyone. Well, way to get the show started today. Very compelling interview. Don't go killing anybody. There she goes, Mia Mars, everyone. She's on social media at Mia fucking Mars. All one word. And the show has begun.

That's an interesting one. Alright, there you go. A little extended cut on that one comedian there, huh? Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for John Botelho. John Botelho. Is this John? Here he comes.

We got the beat. Hey. Yeah. We got the beat. Got the beat. We got the beat. Here we beat. We got the beat. Here we go. John Botelho, everybody.

Come on, one more time for John. You clap. I was at a party this weekend. Quickly zeroed in on a tray of brownies. As I was into my third corner piece, I heard the host of the evening say, Wow, those weed brownies are going quick. And I said, What weed brownies? She said, The ones you're eating. They have sprinkles on them.

Everyone knows. That means there's weed in there. I said, Everyone doesn't know that. Like 45 minutes went by. I wasn't high yet, but I was still very hungry. So I ate five more. Yeah, then they definitely did start to hit. I know this because I tried to convince all my friends that Harry Potter is based on a true story. By the next morning when I woke up, they all ate had completely taken effect.

I know this because I had melted in my mattress overnight. I did what any human would do. I reached for my phone, and I Googled, can a human being become a mattress? Thanks. All right, John Botelho. I'm going to take a guess here. You're just starting out in stand-up comedy.

Am I right? I'm almost two years in. Oh, okay. Well, there you go. I was wrong. I was wrong on that one. That's just starting out. Right.

Let me guess. First time on stage. I was here once before. On this show? Yeah. It went mediocre. It did? Yeah.

Did it go better or worse than that set? I think it went worse than this. Right, right, right. Uh-huh. What did we find out about you? What did we talk about? What's the first thing that popped in your head when I just asked you that question? I was living out of my van the last time I was here.

Uh-huh. That's pretty typical. What else? You know. I must have found out something more interesting than you just living in a van, right? I've dealt with food addiction stuff for a long time. Food addiction? Yeah. That's hilarious. Food addiction? Yeah.

That's hilarious. Yeah, you know, I mean, you know, you look like you get it. Oh, no, I totally get it. I'll tell you what, dude. I'll say this for both of us tonight. We're both odd-shaped men who chose to wear gray pants, and that makes us both brave. Yeah, I agree.

I wore gray pants tonight, too. It was a decision. It was. We did it, man. We did it. We nailed it wore gray pants tonight, too. It was a decision. It was. We did it, man. We did it. We nailed it. Happy New Year, bro. This guy's going to kill this whole place at some point, and I don't want to be part of it.

Yeah, that's right. I'm going to be nice. Great pants, dude. Absolutely. Absolutely. When it comes to putting on pants like that, you know, you got to want it. You got to want it. 2020, coming to a city near you.

You got to want it. 2020. Coming to a city near you. John, how long ago was that that you were on this show, if you had to guess? Like September, probably. What's changed in your life since then? I moved into an apartment. Oh, look at you.

Yeah, yeah. How many roommates do you have? I have one. One roommate? Yeah. What does he do? I don't know. Something in TV.

What do you do? I walk dogs and catering and a little bit of everything. You know? You walk dogs and catering. It looks like you do a little more catering than walking dogs. To be honest with you. You look like hipster Bob's Big Boy. You look like you walk food.

I definitely walk to food. Yeah. Right. You had a food addiction? Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So you had a food addiction? Yeah. Yeah, I love it. Yeah, welcome to being a human. Like, well, what are some of the foods that you're addicted to? I mean, all the normal ones, but anything with, like, high fructose corn syrup.

I can't get enough of that shit. Come on. Name some actual things that you're truly, that you have to have. Don't throw us Latin medicine words. I had pizza and McDonald's on my walk here today. Oh, my God. On your walk. Get him another slice of pizza right now. I want to watch him fall apart.

Come on. It's like putting heroin in front of a drug addict. This is great. Yeah. We'll shame you, and it'll make you feel bad. What's that? You're going to eat it like a jelly donut and a metal jacket. Yeah.

Do you remember a specific time where you really ate too much? Did you ever put yourself in what you thought may have been near a diabetic coma or anything like that? Yeah, for sure. Snort this pizza. Snort the whole thing. This is so sad.

All right. There you go. Bro, you forgot to tie off. You got on the vegetable one at least. We came on that pizza right before the show started. It was a thing we were going to do. We were going to get somebody to eat that pizza on the show. That's just extra salt, bro. I feel you.

I'll see you at the meetings. Some of that high fructose porn syrup. Syrup. So, all right, John. What else about you? Do you have any hobbies or fun skills or talents or anything like that? I have a journalism degree. I covered professional sports for a while.

Oh, wow. Yeah. You do a bunch of things that are almost like exercising. Yeah. I write about dudes who are in pretty great shape. What ended up happening with that? There's not a lot of money in it. The newspaper industry is dying.

Someone probably should have explained that to me before. Have you tried selling books? Have I got a partner for you? What's your love life like, John? I'm dating. Yeah? Who are you dating? Just a girl. Just a slice of pizza.

Yeah. Is that her right there? Coconut cream pie. And I love her. I do love the pizza. Where'd you meet this girl at? That's amazing Vito's Pizza on La Cienega. Where'd you meet the girl at?

I met her on Facebook dating. Oh, yeah. A.K.A. Bottom of the barrel. Facebook dating. Dude, it's like you're fucking. His fingers are all wet and shit dude it's crazy sure we gotta do not food to the guest ever again take a mental note of that since we do hundreds of episodes of this show uh we all thought he was gonna fist it into one shot none of us saw it going dainty like that one dainty bite dude you're supposed to be an addict shove itove it down your fucking throat, bro.

Nah, down. Yeah. What, do you just do a bump of pizza, bro? Ride the night. You can't fix it tonight. Start tomorrow fresh, man. Well, not tomorrow. Tomorrow's New Year's Eve. You got to start on Wednesday, to be honest.

New Year's Eve, dude. What are you going to do? Not fucking store pizza? Go crazy tomorrow. Diet's been starting tomorrow for like 15 years. Hell yeah, dude. If you wrap that in tissue and shove it up your butt, you'll get higher. Thank you.

Thank you, Joel Bert, Joel Jimenez. Leaving what will be an eternal grease spot on the tablecloth that we take around the world with us. But all right. Thank you. Eternal grease spot is also what I call Joel Jimenez. All right, thank you. Eternal Grease Spot is also what I call Joel Jimenez. So, John, I'm going to be honest with you.

I've never even heard of Facebook dating before. Like, this is all new to me. What is meeting someone on that like? Is that like being in an aquarium that only has two catfish in it? I don't know. It just popped up one day, and it's like the other ones. I think it connects you based on things that you already like. So you just have stuff to talk about. And you and her both were like McDonald's, pizza.

Hell yeah. Short walks. You're both old people on Facebook still. Short walks. Did you try all the other ones? Like all the tenders and stuff first? Yeah. Chicken tenders. buffalo tenders.

He couldn't find his true love on Postmates or Uber Eats. One day she's going to show up on a Vespa and a bag of delicious food. What are some hobbies that you guys shared that made you meet her? She's a little bit thicker, too? No, she's in way better shape than I am. Way better? Yeah. So she's a little bit thicker, too? No, she's in way better shape than I am. Way better?

Yeah. So she's a little bit thicker, too? No, she's in good shape. And how long has she been your aunt? What were some of the other hobbies that you guys connected to? It was a lot of nerd stuff, Harry Potter stuff, Star Wars, all the Marvel stuff. What stuff, Harry Potter stuff, Star Wars,

all the Marvel stuff. What did you think about the new Star Wars movie? I enjoyed it. I bet you did. How about The Mandalorian? Are you a fan of that too? Yeah, it was fine. How dare you?

It's better than a Star Wars movie. Do you think you liked the movie more because you were in a theater and you got to eat popcorn? Yeah. Do you feel gay for owning Disney Plus? Thank you for thinking I have my own login for Disney Plus. That's amazing.

Is your girlfriend more successful than you? Yeah, she's got a real job. Yeah, what does she do? She makes books. She makes books? What the fuck is happening? Sponsored by Barnes & Noble. Do you mean she's an author?

Why are there this many people that have jobs that don't matter? Yeah, what the fuck? She's successful in that. She's a leather smith. She edits books. From movies and TV shows, she turns them into books for kids. Oh, my goodness. Great.

She makes shoe horns or horseshoes, rather. Fuck. Well, John, fun times. I'm sure that you're pacing and I'm sure you're more comfortable than you were last time that you were on this show. But, I mean, I'll tell you this is that when you have a weedie joke, like, you really got to fucking, you got to smash and run. Like, it has to be so punched up and has to hit from so many different levels. And every single thing has to be funny because it's a pop brownie joke. Like, the imagination is, you know what I mean?

Got to go in there and punch this shit up, dude. Yeah, it's like a four or five minute joke that I try to get down to one minute. Well, I'm glad that you chose the least funny minute of the joke to uh i'm glad that you right rob i'm glad that you come out here just to run your setups on us that was all the condensed like big punchlines from the joke holy that's a five minute story i mean there's a lot more that goes into it if there's anyone that knows how to stretch out material it's this fucking guy. John Botelho, everyone. There you go. Enjoy that pizza. I'm sure that's a joke I made six and a half years

ago on this show, but what are you going to do? It's all classic. Edible joke? No, I'm talking about stretching out material. Such like an old hacky roast joke. Look at this guy stretching out his material. Alright, we're having fun. Let's see what happens next.

Make some noise for St. Julian. Wow, St. Julian's here over the holiday season. Who would have guessed? An actual saint, perhaps. Anything can happen here on Kill Tony. He's trying to get out of that table. Let him out, humans. These comedians get so mad That their name didn't get picked

That they will purposefully slow another comedian down On their way to this stage You guys having fun out there? Ladies and gentlemen It's St. Julian How did nobody warn me How fucking scary downtown Los Angeles is I've lived here for seven years,

and every time I go there, I'm fucking terrified. There are just homeless people everywhere. You normally would go to a place like a downtown area. You want to go see a fountain. The fountain was coming out of a homeless woman's ass. I'm like, this is horrible. It's just people everywhere. There's emergency vehicles.

Then I come right up the street to West Hollywood and everything's fabulous. I don't see homeless people here. And if I do, they're so well dressed, I just think there's some silver lake. And when the emergency vehicles go by, they go,

woo, woo, woo, woo. Man, I love West Hollywood. Woo, woo, woo, woo. Man, I love West Hollywood. All right. 50 seconds. In and out from St. Julian. Welcome, welcome.

Is this your first time on the show? It is. Well, welcome, St. Julian. Thank you. Nice to meet you. Sick outfit. Thank you. Same one I've been wearing for a good 30 years. He does have that Big J rock and roll style to him.

Someone else was going to say it if I did. You're literally the only two people in the world with chain wallets. What the fuck is going on? Yo! Are you Gus? Fuck off wallets. Does that come in handy a lot, the old chain wallet? You ever almost leave your wallet places and you're like,

oh, I'm sorry. I almost left my wallet there. Just dragging it. You feel it hit your ankle sometimes. It's like, oh, I fucked up. My uncle killed himself with his wallet. I've had it ever since. Oh, wow. You can really tell. Don't you think that it might be cursed

if your uncle killed himself with it? Financially, yes. Did he kill himself after you saw your comedy? This is my first time, so no. Hey, this is your first time ever on stage? Ever on stage. Wow, congratulations. I figured if I was going to bomb, I would do it here. So far, everything someone said to just bust his balls a little bit has been answered by one.

He's like, hey, my uncle died. He died on the wallet, so it means something to me a lot. Then Lou is like, nice jokes, jerk off. He's like, this is my first time. I was like, yeah, that was fantastic for your first time. This guy's Teflon. Absolutely. I don't know why.

He's so likable, but I don't like him. I knew this was going to happen. I'm from Boston. You're from New York. This was never going to happen. You guys don't think you could ever be friends? I don't know. It's weird.

Let's find out more about you. Honestly, he's funnier than Dave Smith. We can bring him on to Skanks. Wow. My goodness. Look at that. Sure. Any compliment I will take.

All right. So St. Julian, let's talk about it. This is your first time doing stand-up comedy ever. How old are you? I'm 42. 42? Wow. You are the opposite of Mia Mars

when it comes to age. I would have guessed younger than 42. Yeah, me too. I would have guessed 73 for Mia. Oh, okay. I'm 42. That explains our wallet chains. 77, yo.

That's when I was born, too. You found your style in 1996, and you're like, you know what? I got it. This is it for the rest of my life. Hey, bro Mark McGrath still tour solo comes around once in a while plays a few hits. I'm ready Saint Julian, what do you do for work? I work in production I work with restaurants a little restaurants, a little bit of entertainment, a little bit of hospitality, shall I say. Right.

Hell's Kitchen or something? What do you do? Like my current position, I work with TV shows, doing audience coordination and stuff, and then I'm working with a new restaurant. One Iota? 100%. There you go.

Yes, it is. Absolutely. I know One Iota people when I see them. Thank you. So, wow, interesting. So you were from L.A., born and raised? No, I was born in Boston. Right, but how long have you been out here?

Seven years. Seven years. And when did you realize that downtown was what it is? Seven years ago. Oh, okay. Is that where you live around? I live now in Hollywood, pretty close by. To here? Seven years ago. Oh, okay. Is that where you live around? I live now in Hollywood, pretty close by.

To here? Yes. Right. So why did you go downtown? Most people don't even go downtown unless they absolutely have to. Sometimes you have to. What do you have to do down there?

I drove Lyft for quite a while in between all types of... Ooh, everybody just... Do you think he's a heroin addict or something? There might be a chance here. Who knows? You're like, what are you doing?

You're growing up like you were his dad. What'd you do? I don't know why there's a Boba Fett tattoo covering his track marks right there. It's the Beastie Boys, but close enough. It's all Boba Fett to me, dude. I don't know. All right. What's some stuff about your life that we do need to know about?

I mean, you're 42. Give us some highlights here. There must be something crazy. You ever have testicular cancer or anything like that? Not yet. I'm hoping to avoid anything like that. How often do you see a doctor? Every year, usually. Once a year or every bad girlfriend. I don't know. You gotta, whatever comes. Tell us about highlights of your life. Things we should know. I don't know. I was

35. I was somewhat self-employed my whole life. And I was like, you have one last chance to kind of get out of your town and do something other than just having a wife and staying in that town. And so I came out here with like $1,200, a shitbox car. I worked at the Whiskey Goyo doing lighting and hustling pizza. Did you abandon a wife and a child back home? Not even close. But the girl I was with did get married 30 days later after a five year relationship.

She was cheating on you the whole time. I got her the job too and yeah it was great. Let's check in with our friend Pino. Yes just curious what is the meaning of the tattoo of the harpsichord on your neck? Oh, so my family says Irish descent.

I have a good friend from Ireland. He died on a harpsichord, bro, so don't disrespect the tattoo. I'm a big Guinness fan. I'm just going to be straight up. Yeah, no, I had a friend from Ireland, and we just got matching Irish harp Irish hop there must be something interesting about you or your life that has happened to you you once almost You know this what is the coolest thing you've ever experienced in your entire fucking life to be that specific? We let him answer what we need to know anything at all. There must be something other than you left Boston God. It's funny I feel like I thought I would be so interesting when this part happened,

and I'm like, holy shit, you can really be uninteresting sometimes. I've had a lot of crazy friends, a lot of crazy life events. Like what? I don't know, having to go to Vegas one time, and my buddies had a really crazy-sized penal piercing, and this is way back in the day.

We actually were nervous that his shit was going gonna set off metal detectors little did we know he then just was gonna like fist fight everybody on the flight have air marshals pull us for way different reasons and the most interesting thing about you is your friend's dick Wow Prince Albert my good son of a I don't know. I can say the same thing. I don't know. I really should have thought of it that way. Fuck the air marshals.

You know what? I'm glad she married that other guy. She was just begging to be out of that boring-ass relationship. What's the most interesting thing about me? My buddy Mark. Yeah. It's all really depressing. Mark's balls are pretty big and loose.

Oh, man. Mark rules. Do you want to hang out with this guy? He's got the best Mark stories. Give him the IP. Good dude. Good dude. Oh, dude, I wish Mark was up here telling stories right now.

He would crush it. Dude, Mark can't be here. He's living life. What's your dating life like now? I'm seeing somebody, kind of. Yeah, kind of? What does that mean exactly? You're just hooking up sometimes?

I don't know. Yeah. Is it like booty calls or what do you mean? Oh, God. My roommate should answer this shit. I don't know, yeah. Is it like booty calls? Or what do you mean? Oh, God. My roommate should answer this shit. I don't know. It's weird. Your roommate? Yeah, he knows the situation better than I do. He knows your situation? Is your roommate Mark? How cool would that be?

What do you mean he knows the situation better than you? It's just, you know, I'm in my 40s, and I've obviously not settled down, and I still get girls in their 20s, and I feel like they are still trying to settle down, and they either want to get like wild and like party all night or they just want to get fucking married. Do you do that sometimes? Do you get wild and party all night?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. That's why you're not that's why you're not interesting. Now I get it. I think we've been a drug addict this whole time. Right? Only weed and alcohol, sadly enough. I mean, or so proudly enough.

No, really. I mean, don't get me wrong. I've done drugs. Let's check in with Pino again. Yeah, I think we all want to know if your roommate has a cool dick too. I don't know about that one. I'm really glad this is what my mom will see tomorrow, me talking about my buddy's dick. And I literally thought, like, don't go up there and say something like,

this is who I work for. Ball sack, funky cat. Dick to the leg, drinking from cakes. No remembering in the morning. Party all night long. Average white guy, this is my song. Wow. That's real poetry right there.

Unbelievable poetry coming from Pino. He has his friend's balls tattooed on his lower back. Wow. Jesus, that was Slicky Ricky, Chroma Chris, silent but deadly. Coming off an unbelievable episode last week where he went 11

for 11, I do believe. It was amazing. Yeah. Were you gonna say something there? Yeah,, I do believe. It was amazing. Yeah. Were you going to say something there? Yeah, but I wanted to keep that streak going. I love it. All right. Well, it was... You are... Wait, that's right. You're John Botelho, right?

If I knew who that was, I'd agree. I'm like, yes. No, you're not. I got it mixed up. Is that the dude from the leads? Oh, there it is. You're St. yes. No, you're not. I got it mixed up. Is that the dude from the weeds? Oh, there it is. You're St. Julian. No, it's okay. Oh, I thought it was actually somebody famous. Is that your real name, St. Julian?

It's a DJ name I've had forever and since. Oh. Shut the fuck up, dude. You're a DJ. Well, well, well. Look what we ended up finding out. How many times do I have to ask what the fuck? DJ. What the fuck?

What the fuck are you? And then finally, right on the way out. Oh, Saint's an interesting name. Well, I'm a DJ. You know how bummed he would have been, too? That's my DJ name. We went, all right, man, it's nice to meet you. Is there anything that you've... That's cool.

All right, have a good one, man. Is there anything that you've DJ'd that's out on the internet That we could dig up Oh hell no I'm more of like a rock and roll punk rock 90's hip hop at best Can you give us an You mean you're a guy with an iPhone What's that I mean I usually run Serato

But if you put me in a pressure situation Are you talking about like at parties on a radio station Mostly a house party How often do you DJ at weddings Fuck yeah Big money on a radio station? Mostly a house party. How often do you DJ at weddings? Fuck yeah. You. Big money.

Can you give us an example of you bringing out the wedding party to dance or whatever? How you would do it? Because I just feel like this is going to be very... For the first time in public. I feel like this is going to be very...

I introduce you to Tony Hedgecliff and I don't know who that would be, but I don't know. It sounds like a strip club. Tony Hedgecliff to the main stage. It's getting Texas wild, but Jersey style. 130 wet pounds of muscle coming to the stage. What are other things?

What are announcements that you have to make during weddings? I used to just be kind of in clubs where it was like, hey, guys. He's never DJed a wedding. He lied about the weddings. Oh, no. Weddings are literally, I mean, not a ton, but once every six months a year. Yeah. I mean, it's usually friends and family.

Like, I mean, I don't have really good wedding looks. I believed him after Louis said it, but now I don't believe he did it either. He fell apart again. He sold himself out. Have you done weddings? Yes. I've like lots. He said once every six months, a year, two years.

So give an example of an announcement you've made at a wedding while DJing. Like usually just the intros. Just fucking do it, you idiot. The first time I would like to bring out the... We did something, you fucking idiot. Tell the father of the bride over here

to... Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do it again, motherfucker. Have him come up and dance with somebody. We'll be waiting for you to fit. What is wrong with you? Do it. Do it. Fucking do it. Say what?

Do it. It's a Jewish wedding, by the way, and you're wasting their time and money. Who is this guy? Who paid for him? Give me a line. I'm bad at lying. I don't know what you mean. What do you mean, give you a line?

Give it up for the bride and groom. Say what? Why would you do? Everybody, let's give it up for the bride and groom. Why would you do that? Everybody, let's give it up for the bride and groom. It's the last marriage of 2019. Blocking of killtoting. Blocky and choppy at best. He's a liar.

This man is lying to the audience. We got to move on. He's lying. I agree. I agree. We had to give you a line. He even said, give it up for the bride and groom. Will you admit?

It's fine. It doesn't even matter. Just admit that you've never DJed a wedding. Probably like 20, 30 plus. You're a fucking liar. No, a lot. St. Julian. There he goes, everybody.

We're going to keep it moving. DJ St. Julian. Oh. Oh, my God. His social media handle is DJ St. Julian. You got to be fucking kidding me. I ask him, anything interesting about your life? Any special skills or talents?

What do you do when you're not working? And then in the end I read, DJ St. Julian. Well, I guess I'm just not that interesting, Tony. I do nothing. I do nothing. I mean, it's not even like trivia questions or anything. The questions are about you. It should be the easiest questions. It's your life.

There you go. It took me six and a half years of doing this show before I had to explain that part. And then he didn't even know how to DJ once you... We don't know if he knows how to DJ. He didn't know how to announce that he's DJing. Right. You know what we should do? We should have him DJ audience load in one of these weeks coming up.

He can play the music while Hey, you guys ready for another song while you're getting set here? What do I do? You're like, how old are you? I don't know. I gotta ask my roommate. They know my age better than me.

Are you guys ready to turn this party up? I mean, because I honestly don't know if I'm ready Hope you all get home safe And don't let your dicks set off the metal detectors Enjoy your ride home London guy, how you doing over there? You seem very disinterested at all this American scum All these losers making books and selling books

and fucking eating everything that we see. You must just be disgusted. You've never done stand-up comedy before, right? Have you ever wanted to? Have you ever wanted to tell a joke on stage? I think they want it. You want to come? Hey, come on.

Yeah, let's have some fucking fun. He's going this way. Yeah, he's got this shit. Crowd surf him. Crowd surf him. Fuck yeah. It's about to go down. We just flipped the script on this fucking room right now.

This guy's had my attention since I sat down here tonight. Very charismatic individual. What if he's just filthy? Dude, I hope the comedy store is up on their insurance. What's his name? What's his name? Jonathan. Jonathan. Jonathan.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. It's his first time ever doing any comedy of any kind. Jonathan, everyone. Don't fuck around with me. What's that? What? What'd you say? I said don't fuck around with me.

We're not fucking around with you. You seem like a great, great gentleman. You have any English jokes or anything about your life that you think these people would find interesting? My life has been so chaotic. Right. It's been a comedy show. Of course.

I'm sure it's been a lot of chaos taking care of Batman all these years. I didn't know Orville Redenbacher was English. Wow. He likes to show his teeth, doesn't he? Yeah, I sure do. You're goddamn right. You don't see teeth like this in Britain a lot. When you get to my age, your teeth are falling out.

I know. I like your style, Jonathan. Are you trying to roast me, you motherfucker? Are you roasting me right now? You busting my balls? You trying to take shots at the throne right now, Jonathan? I don't need to do that. I like your style. What have you been doing your whole life? Tell us something interesting about you. You're at the Mecca at the Comedy Store right now.

It's not really very... I can't think of anything particularly interesting. I had one week in Fire Island, and I can't... Someone put something on the table, and I can't remember anything about it at all. We're going to put that microphone right up to the tip of your mouth. You can hold it.

All right. So you went to Fire Island one week. I was actually there all summer. All summer. And then someone put something on a table. Yeah. What does that mean? It looked all right to me.

It looked all white? I didn't sleep. Sleep. You didn't sleep. A week, you know. Did you do cocaine, Jonathan? What, me? Wow.

For fuck's sake, I'm English. You don't do things like that. Of course not. Wow. Look at you. Now, is this your family that you're out here with tonight? We don't do things like that Of course not Wow Now is this your family that you're out here with tonight? Who are all these? Who are these cokeheads? All three of them?

Actually to be fair to them They've never been into it Those are all three your daughters? I did it all for them What? I did the whole fucking lot You did the whole line of cocaine. I know.

Seems like you're still feeling it a little bit. Slightly more than that. Whoa, look at you, you dirty bastard. Does his daughters know he was such a cokehead? What? He's going to leave with that DJ guy. There are other things to do, you know. I gave it up.

Now, you're the only person that I would actually believe if you told me that you made and sold books, but... I haven't even... Or haunted antiques. I have hardbacks. What was that, Jonathan? I read hardbacks. You read hardbacks?

You know, tablets. Absolutely. They're not hardbacks. Of course, definitely. Ever since the Bible... That's what he They've got a hardback. Of course, definitely. Yeah. Ever since the Bible. That's what he calls black people, hardbacks. Yeah. All of these hardbacks are moving into the neighborhood.

I love it, Jonathan. What did you do for work? You're retired now, right? Yeah. What did you do for work? I've done so many different things. Ran Jurassic Park. Yeah.

Ran Jurassic Park. What a, wow, yes. That's what you look like. Bartles and James. I've been a waiter. I've been a bartender. I've been a chartered accountant. Chimney sweep.

I've been, what? What? Chimney sweep. Chimney sweep. What? Chimney sweep. They sweep? Anyway. Is it strange if I ask how old you are? Would you be willing to tell us your age? Yes, of course. 71.

71 years old. Absolutely killing the game. I love it. You look fantastic. You have such a cool swagger and charisma about you. I love a guy that can rock the glasses string that keeps them on your head. You wear that well. Rock and roll!

Rock and roll! Oh yeah! Pino, looks like you have thoughts about this guy. Yeah, this guy said he is 71 years old. In what century, in what time period? No, he's a good looking 71 year old.

Can you repeat that? What did you say? I didn't hear his question. Was he asking a question? Maybe he made a statement or something. Oh, I love the way you talk. How long are you visiting America for? I'm just for two weeks. I lived in New York for eight years.

Very cool. What do you love about America? I had such fun in New York. Oh, how much cocaine did you do there? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. And the ladies love that uncircumcised ween, right? It's a real talk piece.

Heck yeah. That London Bridge is falling down. You know what I'm saying, dude? You got a little Brexit hanging out of your ding-a-ling there. He calls it Big Ben, if you know what I mean. Hey, oh, Slicky Ricky sliding into home head first.

Wait till the DJ sees your dick, cool cat. DJ. There's a girl here that's just about your age. She went up first. Chroma Chris has been on fire for weeks now. There's no stopping it. Wow.

If you get the right ingredients, she might be able to turn you young again. Jonathan, so let me ask you this. This is really a fun thing that we're doing right now. You jumped at the opportunity to come up here. Have you ever been on stage before? You ever give speeches or sing or do anything? You have any special skills or talents or anything like that?

I did 13 plays in New York. You did plays? Were you an actor? Yeah. Wow. Would you mind giving us one of your scenes? Yes. Can you do a line?

Can you face out that way to the audience and do a little? No, I would mind. I can't remember a damn thing. You can't remember a damn thing? I can remember all my teachers. They were very strict. Oh, my goodness. He's hammered, dude. He doesn't walk a damn thing. I can remember all my teachers. They were very strict. Oh, my goodness. He's hammered, dude.

He doesn't walk with a cane. He's just hammered. That's just an act. Give us the best joke you remember from your younger days. My what? My best joke? The best joke. You lose your memory at my age.

There you go. You got a store right behind you. That's extremely kind. Thank you very much indeed. Thank you. Indeed. Actually, they were very nice to me on the way in here today. They were?

They were very nice and helpful for me coming in here today. We are all the door guys here. It was lovely. I'd like to thank them. They thought you were the ghost that haunts this place. Keep in mind, sir, that was an ethnic who got you that chair. That is true. He's Mexican, or as you call him, servant.

What? Servant. Call him kitchen guy. Pino. Jonathan, have you ever done any kind of improvisation when you were acting? Only in class. Only in class. Would you be willing to maybe do a scene with me right now?

Would you like to do a scene with Pino? Yeah, I don't mind. Why don't you move your store right next to mine? Brokeback Mountain. No, come on. I'm not going to let Jonathan fuck the shit out of Pino on this stage. Relax, Lewis. All plays are gay.

All right, so let's have a little scene here. And Jeremiah just slap boxes him. Can I have a slug of water? Here's some water. Thanks. There you go. There's a bit of water here. Absolutely.

Gotta lubricate the instrument. That's right. And Jeremiah, you want to set the scene a little bit for us or something like that? Sure. Can we get a suggestion of a location? A location suggestion. This is the first time we've ever seen real improv. Aphrodite yelled the

ghetto. I mean, we want to give him a fresh slate here. What do you think, Pino? So far, we've heard Batcave, the ghetto. If you do Batcave, then he's basically

going to have to be Alfred. So maybe we should give it like a different... A strip club? The real acting would be if you were Alfred Jeremiah. Pino. Let's do it. What do you want to do? Just pick one.

Strip club. Okay, strip club. Strip club. You're at a strip club, Jonathan. You're at a strip club with Pino. You going to give him any more info? All right. He can't hear that one. Strip club. Okay, strip club. Strip club. You're at a strip club, Jonathan. You're at a strip club with Pino. You going to give him any more info? All right. He can't hear that.

Jonathan, you're the stripper. I'm the stripper. No. How do you want to do this? I don't know. You know how improv works. Aphrodite, shut the fuck up. Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God. That piercing fucking voice What do you think? You're at a movie theater right now? Relax, there's a live show going on Jesus Christ, Aphrodite You're out of fucking control Alright, let's give Strip Club a shot

Alright, Strip Club This is exactly why I don't let Jeremiah pitch segments on the show, but here we are. We're doing it anyway. Thanks for the encouragement right before the scene starts. Right. There you go. It's been a scene on this show for five minutes already, but let's do it.

Let's plow it home. Let's do this. If it doesn't work out, I'm going to let Jonathan suck your cock and we'll get out of here. No, I'm kidding, Jonathan. These are all dirty American jokes. Taking over, it's Pino and Jonathan, everybody. So.

Is that all you got, baby? Whoa! Is that all you got, baby? Whoa! What's your name, big boy? Yeah. I suppose you think that's good. I loved it. That was beautiful.

That all worked out. Absolutely hilarious. I'm looking at the daughters right now. I love it. He judged his actual stripping. It was beautiful, Jonathan. You still got it, buddy. You still got those improv chops.

You can't take those away from you. And I'll tell you this. You have three beautiful daughters here with you you know you still got that go get them fucking lifestyle and I can't thank you enough you're just so different than most people that we get to see on the show and it was a fun break from

seeing the same people that we always see and thank you very much indeed and the most interesting man in the world we found you fuck the Dos Equis guy. That's you, dude. I could hang out with you all night. Maybe not all night, you know what I mean?

Oh, my. It's the same for me. Don't worry. I love it. We'll come back any time. You'll always be a... Can someone help me off the stage? Absolutely, they will.

Definitely. Absolutely. How about one more time for Jonathan, ladies and gentlemen? Come on. What are we doing here? Absolutely doodly How sweet is this man? Oh my goodness Man, that segment went terrible

I should never be able to pitch anything again It took, again, it took Wait, how old is Aphrodite? Five minutes before it started Isn't Aphrodite like 71? What the fuck? Yeah, how old are you, Aph, it took, like I said, it took five minutes before it started. Isn't Aphrodite like 71? What the fuck? Yeah. How old are you, Aphro?

Oh, 64. Sir, Aphrodite will fuck you up. No, come on. Aphrodite will run circles around this guy. No, dude. Come on. She'll kill him. There he is, Jonathan, everyone.

Adorable. For those of you that just listened to the podcast, you really miss out sometimes. I mean, this is a sweet. The daughters are proud. Look at that. Look at that. How cool is that? Jonathan, you just performed at the World Famous Comedy Store and everybody loved you. You can't beat that.

Alright, so before we get back to the bucket, I want to tell you, we have regulars on this show and everyone's here tonight. So it's about to be it's about to get a little bit wild in here. This first regular, you know him, you love him. He's been one of the longest standing regulars in this show and everyone's here tonight so it's about to be uh it's about to get a little bit wild in here this first regular you know him you love him he's been one of the longest standing regulars in this show's entire history he has a very unorthodox style of not telling the truth on stage and being very silly he's very good at it very very good at it ladies and gentlemen i present to you your first regular doing a brand new minute. Make some noise for the one and only William Montgomery, everybody.

Wow, look at this guy. He's back, everyone. William Montgomery. It's good enough for Larry Montgomery, my dad. Why'd you fuck that up, you piece of shit? No, but seriously, who all's excited about Stargate Atlantis Season 5

coming out tomorrow? Oh! I would like to first and foremost thank Richard and Steven Jarmones of the fantastic Sam's in Memphis, Tennessee. They not only gave me hell of a haircut,

but also hell of a life lesson. There will always be a bomb in the bomb maker's home. They're big fans of the movie Speed. I would also like to give a moment of silence to Kathy, the owl lady of Barnum and Bailey's. She taught me how to fly last week. Sadly, three nights ago, she jumped off the roof of her house trying to fly and died. All right. Another. That's as William Montgomery as it gets. Make some noise for William, everybody. A new minute.

Now, let me just... If I could say one thing, the man who was up here, he literally is related to me. A couple of Christmases ago, he touched my penis. No, he didn't. William, no, he does this. I'm sorry,

guys. He does this every week. He comes up here and he lies. That man lives in England. He did not touch your penis, William, and he's not related to you. You always say this. We know your parents. I was on Abbey Road three years ago with that man

in a taxi. He started touching my penis. I had to tell him, oh, M.O.C., that's my thing. Why would you say it like that? Because I grew up next to Abbey Road in some apartments. What? We never knew this about you. My rent was 650 quid.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. They don't even have quid in England. Which equals out to... What are those suckers that have the Tootsie Rolls in the middle? They were called Tootsie Pops. Tootsie Pops, yeah. 650 quid comes out to three Tootsie Pops. Tootsie Pops, yeah. 650 quid comes out to three Tootsie Pops. Wait, what?

All right. William, you are much, believe it or not, this is your first time seeing William. Let me tell you, this is about the cleanest cut William Montgomery we've ever seen. I know a lot of you are thinking, who is this trucker pig? But this is the best version of him we've ever seen.

I thought he came from a wedding. Just picture maybe a cut scene, me and Red Band literally in a cab of an 18-wheeler just going through the parking lots, finding women prostitutes, poisoning them, cutting them with our knives. Red Band looking at me, asking me,

William, hold on, get the map out. Where are we? Wow. It wasn't a map, though. Red band, don't fuck this up. This is the best set I fucking had. William, so welcome back. Can I get something off my chest?

That looks like the only place where you don't have something hidden. Literally, I don't know if it was two or three months ago, I was with Red Band in the bathroom of a Wendy's. We were swapping

pills, swapping you name it. We were swapping it. Why are you talking about this right now? So, William, you just went home. Can you tell us some real things that happened in your real life? Can you get real with us for a second? You were just home with Larry and Francis Montgomery, who we know who have been on this show.

Very sweet parents you have. We don't know how this demon seed came to be. But because they're just lovely, honest humans. Hold on, sir. Is your birthday March 6th? Wait a second. Yes, it's March. He didn't say yes, William.

He actually didn't say yes at all. No, but back home was fun. I got two pairs of Levi's jeans. I don't know if y'all wear the 505s. I'm currently a 3632. Are you

really? 3632. Are you really? 36-32. Red Bean, why'd you fucking put that on? William, can I be honest with you? It does seem like you are gaining weight in the middle area of your body and your face. Like at a very fast rate. Have you noticed this? Have you ever heard of the cookie? It has one of the delicacies it's a called a prune um in the

middle of it it has cookie outer sides do y'all know that cookie fig newton fig newtons i've been eating fig newtons like it's my fucking job I forgot how to fucking swim. Tony? Oh my god. Tony, when William was in Memphis, me and David Lucas prank called him on a podcast and we pranked his mom. I don't know if you want to hear a quick clip of that. Wow.

What happened there? Before I get into that, it is so nice looking at y'all. Y'all are so sweet to invite me to the Skank Fest South. Thank y'all so much. It's a big announcement. William, they didn't invite you. They literally didn't invite you.

That didn't happen at any point of this show. Last year, you had an opportunity. That was perfect, Red Band. Last year, you had an opportunity to get flown out to Skankfest Louis J gave you a chance And you got beat by a handicapped Asian man Remember that? What was the game?

It was a joke off and William went with his best joke But then the handicapped guy like Came up and he was like I like it when my mom goes out of town Cause I get to sleep on her side of the bed There it is, There's the joke. But these people, how many of you have heard him say that joke before? You don't raise hands.

You clap hands when you're at a live comedy venue person back there. Yeah, where are we? Saudi Arabia? Yeah. No, but yeah, Tony, seriously, it's sort of a hard thing to think about after he beat me I started eating those candy bars that have the sort of buttery thing the butter fingers started eating

those a whole bunch now I know you're fucking with us a little bit started eating a bunch of Nestle crunches started drinking some water but I what just happened? All right, William.

William. It was Steve Lee. Cut the mic. I don't know what's going on. Jeremiah, what are you doing exactly? Filling the pit. Is this back on? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, his mic went off. Oh. That was that mic. Just trying to feel those dead spots okay well the whole the whole reason when i was back home in memphis i had a bit of an identity crisis if you want to call it that i was playing something called the ouija board i was talking to my deceased grandmother, Bea Vance. She was telling me, start losing weight. Learn how to

swim. Learn how to read. Get into a technical college. Okie dokie, William. We're gonna end it there. Did you listen to anything that your aunt told you on the Ouija board? I did. I now chew a brand of bubblegum called Big League Chew.

Okay, all right, William. All right. We love you. That was another new minute, a long interview. We got through it again. Nice to see you. William Montgomery, everybody. He's back.

We didn't have him on last week. He went back home. We found out nothing about his trip back home. Maybe we'll hear more about that next week. Ow. It's very strong. The more weight he gains, the more his taps on the back deeply affect me on his way out. He might be mad because I texted his father and told him that I think William needs to see a doctor.

You got to hear that prank they did on him, man. It's pretty fucked up. So can I scrub another Maker's Rocks, can I scrub into the Maker's Rocks? Absolutely. A Maker's Rocks. Big J, you want another drink? Sure. Sure.

A drink with it. Is that a dirty martini? Extra dirty martini. Extra dirty. Hey, you got to want it. You got to want it. In 2020, you got to want it. Go into a city near you.

That's right. Tell a friend. Tweet while you're in the bathroom. BigJComedy.com, the You Got to Want It Tour. So it's a dirty martini on Maker's Rocks. And yeah. You got that? Yeah, it's all happening.

All right. We have another regular on this show. I don't know if I even had a chance to warn you guys about the power that's about to be on this stage. This guy makes fun of the panelists sometimes. He definitely makes fun of me every goddamn time he comes on. We always get into a little scuffle up here. But on top of his roasting style during the interview part, he's one of the best

damn joke writers anywhere around here or the Comedy Store on any level whatsoever. He always has a brand new banger every single week. That's a lot of pressure I'm putting on him. This is a rough introduction. But I believe in him so much I feel like I can still say it and he'll still come through. Make some noise for the great David Lucas, everybody.

Here we go. Come on, people. Make some fucking noise. Yeah, let's see what kind of crowd we got tonight. All right. Jesus' mom was Me Too'd. Like, for real, she didn't ask to be pregnant. For real.

She was asleep one night, and a nigga named Holy Spirit was like, you gonna have a baby. She was like, oh my God, what's his name gonna be? She was like, you're going to have a baby. She was like, oh my God, what's his name going to be? She was like, Jesus. Like, for real, man. He was a Me Too baby. Had Jesus been born in 2020, nobody would respect his miracles because he a Me Too baby. Like, fuck that walking on water. That's a Me Too baby.

His mama didn't want to have him. Went to abortion clinics in Jerusalem, so, you know. And what kind of daddy was Joseph? This nigga got to raise a baby that a spirit impregnated this bitch. I don't know if I'm going to buy this nigga no diapers or nothing like that. There you go. David Lucas. Fuck yeah.

Yeah. A little Christmas themed birth of Jesus. no diapers or nothing like that. There you go. David Lucas. Fuck yeah. Little Christmas themed birth of Jesus. Fuck yeah. What's up, David? How are you? Why are you scanning me so hard already? Because you be wearing the dumbest shit. Motherfucker

look like a gay panda bear. Oh my God. How dare you? How dare you say that to me. Motherfucker eat dildo flavor eucalyptus leaves. All right. All right.

Okay. Yeah, they like that shit. Just going to remember who's that excited over here. Tony, last time I was here I was here with Michael Bisping and David Lugans didn't give a fuck. Oh, that's right.

He didn't give a fuck. It was crazy. He literally... I've never been more concerned that one of the guests was going to fight another human on this show. And you just kept going harder. He called him the White Debo, and I almost lost my mind.

And this motherfucker has a cross eye. He doesn't care. Yeah, he doesn't care at all. But you look like an Armenian demon. An Armenian demon. You look like Black Big Jay Oakerson. You look like Nick Jay Oakerson. I'm off.

I got to rub a lamp three times for you to come out. Sick outfit, dude. Sick outfit. He likes the outfit. Shut your emo bouncer looking ass. We're dressed. We. We're dressed.

We're dressed exactly the same. You look like a 1980s bad guy. You look like a black guy who has teal suits and rides a skateboard. You look like you take pizzas out the oven with no oven mitt. You look like you're in a gang, but you still read comic books under a blanket with a flashlight. Hold on, repeat that. Woo! Gaining the heat here. Repeat that, I didn't get it.

You look like you got caught in a drive-by with some magic markers. You look like the guy from PM Dawn And you know which one I mean Wow You look like you hang out with Andrew Dice Clay Oh, they don't get that one That's like a compliment Oh yeah, well you look like you hang out with Dave Chappelle That was fucking fun

That was fun Hell yeah, dude. Fuck your ass, nigga. No, come on. Relax, David. David never knows when it ends, by the way. One of my favorite moments, we had Schultz on.

The great Andrew Schultz was here a few weeks ago, and they're going back and forth, and he gets Andrew, and Andrew gets him, and back and forth, and then Andrew gets him, and Andrew, they give a good high five, and it's a punch, and forth and then Andrew gets him and Andrew they give a good high five

and the punch and then David just keeps scanning him. Man, this motherfucker looks like, and Andrew's like, Jesus, oh my God. He doesn't stop. Speaking of these motherfuckers, I'm gonna be at Skankfest Southwest, y'all. Is that true? Wow, look at that. Part of the New and Nasty

Showcase, top ten dirty young killer motherfuckers that are going to take over the comedy scene. He was one of the top 10 in the country. Wow. Look at that. That's huge. And also another Kill Tony alum, Ally Makovsky is part of that list as well. Hey, absolutely.

Love me some Ally Makovsky. Our pride and joy. She is opening up for me tomorrow night, actually, in New Year's Eve show in Texas. So we're flying together for one night only., a New Year's Eve show in Texas. So we're flying together for one night only. William Montgomery just killed himself. What a nightmare. What a nightmare. My goodness gracious.

What's going on? Poor William. I got a lot riding on this, guys. This is my best set I've ever had. Don't fuck this up, Redman. All right, well. Anything else crazy happening in your life, David? Since the last time we've seen you?

Nah. My birthday was this past Saturday. Oh, wow. Look at that. Another excuse for you to eat cake on a random day. Look at that. What do you want for your birthday? What?

What do you want for your birthday? What do I want for my birthday? Well, it's in June, but... I know what to get you. What are you going to get me? What do I want for my birthday? Well, it's in June, but... I know what to get you. What are you going to get me? A chocolate dildo. I knew you were going to... I literally was going to say,

what type of dildo are you going to get me for my birthday? And there you go. Or a stripper pole. Okay. I already have a stripper pole. You be making them little bitty butt cheeks clap? That's it. No, I actually use the stripper pole as a giant dildo.

I got so broken in with so many dildos that I just detached the stripper pole from the wall vertically, and then I put it horizontally, and now I just run backwards with my pants down. I bet your back pockets touch. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Hold on. What are you doing? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Hold on. What are you doing? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? That means you skinny.

If your back pockets can touch, nigga, they ain't got no space in between them. Alright. Well, I bet your back pockets are so far away they use them to measure first downs on football field. Son of a bitch. It's 10 yards, if you're wondering. Why are you up here clapping like a fucking circus monkey?

I don't like that shit. This nigga lean back like a black person. You're going to run out the room? Like what the fuck? You're laughing a little too hard, my nigga. Wow. That's a great joke. Come on.

You can't give it to him? I guess. David, you fucking angry asshole. What is wrong with you? Be happy for a minute. You Come on. You can't give it to him? I guess. David, you fucking angry asshole. What is wrong with you? Be happy for a minute. You're killing. We like you. We invited you to our festival.

I know. Why are you so angry? I ain't angry, man. It's just my demeanor. Demeanor. He's demeanor out of the two of you. He's like an unsuccessful Patrice O'Neal. Shit, you're going to die soon.

Relax. You look like a, let's see what this nigga. Relax. You look like a 80s Coke dealer. All right. I look like a 2019 Coke dealer. And you're about to be a 2020 Coke dealer. Boom. I love it. Well, this is the type of fun we're going to definitely be having in Skankfest Houston

coming up at the end of March. Hell yeah. Tickets available at skankfest.net, baby. Why kill Tony? All three days? No, I don't think so. Two days. At least two. You just try to get him to come out on the air? You're going to do 17 shows for us?

Tony Hitch is doing 17 shows. He literally just tried that. He knows we're not doing three. You're so shady. You're exactly as shady as you look, which is a lot. That's a lot. How about one more time for the great David Lucas, everybody? David motherfucking Lucas. There he goes.

He did it again. Unbelievable. What do you think? Back to the bucket, huh? All right. Jeez. It doesn't seem like you guys are really into it this much. What do you think? Back to the bucket, huh? Alright, geez. Doesn't seem like you guys are really into it this much. We got this fucking softball player here on our phone. Look at this chick. What's going on, lady? How are you?

Batting clean up? Am I right? You play softball, right? Absolutely not. Hell yeah. Alright. You're gonna think about that tomorrow, though. Shouldn't be on your phone in the front row of a live show, especially the number one live podcast in the world. All right. I pulled a name out. Make some noise for Abraham McNolkian.

McNolicon? Abraham? Really? Any Abraham? No. If your first name's Abraham, you're next. Abraham Minolian? How about a hand for the band, everybody?

Killing it tonight. Here's Abraham Minolian. You know how you hear about people getting molested by their family and how it ruins their life? Well, in my household, that was a normal thing. I'd be walking through my living room, my grandma was just like, I got your little dick, faggot. sometimes I'd walk through the living room

acting like I didn't know what was about to happen but you know how you hear about these Epstein-type billionaires molesting children? And, like, you know how when you go through a breakup or a loss of a loved one, the final step is acceptance? Well, my way of accepting their wrongdoing is they deserve tighter holes than us. Jesus Christ. Abraham Manulikon.

What do you have? Something else you want to do? Okay, go ahead, Abraham, you little animal. Go ahead. What did you expect? For them to fuck an 18-year-old Komodo-sleeve pussy? Okay, stop, Abraham. Stop. I don't know

why I let you go there. You got one more cat? No, no, no. Don't do it. No, don't tag it anymore. Stop it. Pino. Hey, you got three more? Come on. No, come on, Pino. Stop it. Come on, Pino. Molested child. Come on, Pino.

Abraham, what's up, pal? This is your first time on the show. I'd remember you, right? My first time, and I don't know if you remember me. Oh. A few years ago, I had like a meltdown here. On Kill Tony? No.

Just at the comedy scene? I was just in the audience, and I started heckling some guy, and you started talking to me. You were heckling some guy, but not me. No. But I started talking to you? Yeah, you were like, you should go and kill Tony. And I was like, no.

This did not happen. This didn't happen? No way. Explain it again. How old are you? I'm 23. You're 23 and you said a few years ago. So how could that be?

Would it be a couple years ago? A couple. Okay. So what happened? Some guy was doing like. So how could that be? Would it be a couple years ago? A couple. Okay. So what happened? Some guy was doing like. What room? This room? I think.

Dude, this whole thing's a fever dream, man. This is a nightmare, bro. This is a sweaty nightmare for sure. Who were you heckling? Was it Kill Tony? You were heckling on Kill Tony or it was another show? It was another show. Right.

But you were just in the audience for some. Nope. Bill Burr just went up. Impossible. Some guy went up. It was a nobody. Me and you were on a boat together. We were talking about starting this new business.

Of course. You said I'd be the only one for you. We went to Vegas. We got married. I'm sitting near you in the audience. This is how you remember this. I was leaving. And, of course, there's a nobody that goes on after Bill Burr because that's the time of the night that he shows up.

Right. You say you also feel the special bond that we have together. Mike Tyson was there. He had a tiger. And you heckled someone. And I'm like, oh, dude, you should come on my show. Classy. You're hilarious.

What were you heckling him? Like, what was that? This kid's crazy. This kid's, you took an aluminum bat to the head at some point in your life, right? You suffered from some type of concussion as a child? His heckle was, my grandma used to touch my dick. Maybe. I don't know if it would cause a concussion.

What ethnicity are you? I'm Armenian. Ah, that's what it is. It's not a brain injury. It's the blood that flows in your veins. Yeah. That's all it is. Anyway, so tell us about your life.

You're 23 years old. You're a young buck. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. Your first time ever? My goodness. Wow. Second time with a heckle.

Yeah. I mean, it's interesting. I wouldn't have guessed first time. I would have guessed a couple years. I had you and the other guy backwards. I thought that was that one guy's first time. But here you are with extremely great timing. Maybe it was accidental, but you took your time

from the start. You executed the jokes. You let the audience laugh, and then you started your tag. You didn't rush a minute and 20 seconds into a minute. You just did a minute, 20 seconds, and took your time. It was incredible.

Don L. Rawlings says you gotta let it sizzle. How do you know this? How do you know Don Donnell Rawlings says you got to let it sizzle. How do you know this? How do you know Donnell Rawlings says that? Is this really your first time on stage? I don't believe you. I swear to God. Never on stage ever before. Answer my question about Donnell.

How do you know he says that? His podcast. Oh. You got to let it sizzle like Michael. How do you know Donnell Rowling has a podcast? I'm like you, Tony. I'm getting suspicious of these fucks. So you're Armenian.

What do your parents think about you trying stand-up comedy? They don't know you're doing this tonight. They don't know I'm doing this, but I kind of mentioned it on Thanksgiving, and all my aunts and uncles are like, Armenians don't celebrate Thanksgiving, you lying son of a bitch. It's our fucking holiday.

Do you guys eat a Turk? Get it? Boom. Grand slam. You got to want it. 2020, coming to a city near you. You son of a bitch. I just had to read it again.

I forgot it for a second. It's so perfect. Can I please have another Maker's Rocks? Oh, wow. You son of a bitch. I just had to read it again. I forgot it for a second. It's so perfect. Can I please have another Maker's Rocks? Oh, wow. So what did your aunts and uncles say? I didn't get the answer to that. They're like, what is wrong with you?

Are you crazy? Are you stupid? Go to college. Go to college to what? You must make handbags like the rest of country. Who will run Gold Cotton Rod Factory? My goodness. How do you say your last name? The real way or the Americanized way?

Give us both. What's the real way? Manukyan. Bless you. What's the American way? Nelson. What is the American way? Nelson. What is the American way? Manukian.

Manukian. Yeah. The American way is Roberts. Your father had one of those wacky stereotypical Armenian jobs? He used to. He was a taxi driver. You're goddamn right he was. What does he do now?

He's a stay-at-home dad. He smokes cigarettes outside of the Ralphs. Plays scratch-offs. Does he have a white car? White Beamer? Yeah. No. Does he smoke cigarettes?

Fuck yeah. Drinks a lot of coffee? Fuck yeah. Has a white car? Still doesn't. We asked him that one. Nope, that's not going to change. When he has sex with your mom, does call a buddy buddy i'm almost there buddy i'm almost there all right

well abraham i mean i'll tell you it was really good for a first time especially i mean i'm really impressed you took your time always remember to do that it was interesting it was sort of a believable the awkwardness really played into your favor by telling us that your grandmother or whoever molested you, your aunt, whatever you said, it felt authentic and awkward and dangerous and weird.

How do you feel that it went? Honestly, this went way better than I expected everyone to be like what is wrong with you We're all thinking that You're going to have to wait until you go home And face your Armenian family to hear those words

Let's check in with Pino one more time Yeah just like Usher I like your confessions Do you have any others What Do you have any other confessions or jokes Wait what He got touched as a kid There's got to be more than that Well I guess we're just going to have to Do you have any other confessions or jokes? Wait, what? He got touched as a kid.

There's got to be more than that. Well, I guess we're just going to have to... It's like it's a love thing. Now we're getting somewhere, funky cat. All my cousins got the same. Yeah, your grandmother loves baby dick. Your grandma's got a shallow pussy, dude. Whatever. Okie dokie.

Hey, man. Great stuff. Congratulations. You did it. You're 23. You started here at the Comedy Store, the greatest comedy club on the planet. I think the audience enjoyed you.

Right, guys? There he goes. Abraham Mnookian. Congratulations, pal. You did it. Put the mic back in the mic stand. Put it out front there. Alright.

Well, here we go. Before we get out of here, you guys like special treats? How many of you are fans of Kill Tony out there? Well, then you might know what's about to happen here. About a month ago, out of this bucket we pulled a uh a sensation out this this young man has uh has come in and absolutely destroyed every

time he's on the show um he uh has been doing it a few years he originally started an improv in chicago 20 years ago and uh came down ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease, and is putting up a hell of a fight and absolutely lets it rip every time he's on the show. Last week, he destroyed again, and he called out Luis J. Gomez. He said that he's going to kill so hard that he's going to have to invite him to Skank Fest.

And it's also, by the way, he's also been harassing me online for the past week yeah he's talking shit about how he's gonna physically assault me it's fucking crazy the shit this guy's been saying and i'm gonna tell you right now i don't discriminate if this guy's got a problem i'll fucking get right in his face i don't give a shit tony and i'm telling you it is i'm so excited to see what's about to happen here you better have a ramp at skankfest, motherfucker. He actually said that he prefers not taking ramps. So let's see

what happens here. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one and only Michael Lehrer, everybody. It's the return of Michael Lehrer. Holy shit. He's crawling from the back. This is his first time on the actual stage of the Comedy Store. He has left.

He's been on the side of the stage every other week he's been on the show. I hope the song loops. He's saying, fuck you to Luis J. Gomez right now. Luis, don't touch him. No, don't touch him, Luis. No, don't, Luis, no. Where the fuck is David Deary with this chair? Come on.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. This is incredible. Michael Lair, ladies and gentlemen. David, help him up. Come on. Get in there, David. Come on. No one knows how to help me.

He's getting up in the chair. Ladies and gentlemen, his very first time on the actual main room stage. Any day now, Michael. Fuck you, man. Fuck you, you fucker. I tell you right now, I'd get in that chair a lot faster than he is. Oh, my God. Did his minute start yet?

No. No, stop it. This isn't a contest, Lewis. Thank God. No, my God. Did his minute start yet? No. Oh, stop it. This isn't a contest, Lewis, thank God. No, come on. Roar. Ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise. It's Michael Lair. Shut it off.

I've always been a wannabe black guy. I've always been a wannabe black guy. To the brothers, if I don't die before the race war, don't make me hide with the white people. I lost all my white privilege when my legs became wheels. Hey, with that in mind, a man should never hit a woman. But if the playing

field is even and that man has a motor neuron disease, it's a bitch steps to me with a knuckle among my shoulder. It goes both ways. Disabled women should be able to fight children.

Wow. Michael Lair. Oh, Louis J. He's giving you two thumbs down. Grab that microphone, Michael. What do you think about Louis J. giving you thumbs down right now? Hey, man, I'm not, you know,

and it was okay. The joke writing was all right. The delivery was a little slow, if you ask me. You look like a fucking hot dog. He's right, dude. Put the glasses back on. Hot dogs don't wear glasses.

Yeah, man. Both of you look like you're doing cosplay repo men. Cosplay repo men? You look like you're doing cosplay repo men. Cosplay repo men? You look like you're doing cosplay of the car that you're possessing. Yeah. How did I mumble more than him? Man, you look like the guy from the cartel that infiltrates the highway patrol. Oh my God.

I'm impressed. He picks wordy comebacks. He really does. That's brave. You look like you're going to be in the gay porn of the movie Cats. If only. I don't spend enough time in this town for that, but I do. Hey, man. You don't talk to my fucking friend Big Jay like that.

Wait, what is that? What the fuck is that? What do you want? It's a bike chain and it's a black bag. Wait, what? What is that? I'm going to get a seat in the Outsiders on your ass. I thought that was brutal.

A bike chain. Are you trying to fucking go, dude? I will fight you, Michael. I will beat you up in front of the police. I don't give a shit. I would not have brought a bike chain if I didn't think this shit was gonna

pop off. No. No, sit down. Lewis, the first thing he does. Wait. Oh! Chair fight! It's a lap. Chair fight!

Oh, my God. What's about to happen here? Let's fucking go, dude. Lewis, Lewis, I need you to. I'll make it fair, Tony. I need two hands to drive. Come on, bro. Do you think I'm afraid of you?

I said to you online that I did, and I was like, dude, I will fight you tonight on Kill Tony. Oh, what's happening? This is so... Lewis This is so. Lewis is dead. What a bad day to wear gray pants.

I was just assaulted. Oh, my God. Assaulted at the comedy store. Oh, my God. I was assaulted at the comedy store. My katana. How's that your katana? Luis J. Gomez just caught Lou Gehrig's disease from that punch.

It's incredible. That's how it happens. That's how it spreads. It's transferred through the fist. Luis Gehrig's disease. Luis J. Gehrig's disease. I just want to say, boom! Hey, I love that, Michael.

That's so cool. Oh, yeah, look at that. Wait, where are you going, Louis? Be careful. What's happening? He's exiting the stage to come back on. Yeah, man. Put these on so you can look like a hot dog in blue blockers.

It is true. You know, Louis J., you do look like a hot dog. It is sort of shocking. Tony, I don't come here to be disrespected, to be physically assaulted by whatever the fuck he is, to drop water or jam water to piss my pants. Oh my god. Oh my god.

No, don't, Lewis, no. The hot dog is boiling over over here. God damn it. Oh man. I love moments like this because I literally have nothing to lose.

This is incredible. This is like watching deleted scenes of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. This is incredible. This is like watching deleted scenes of fear and loathing in Las Vegas. This is incredible. Yeah. Backstage, is it cool if I blow my brain sound? No, don't do it. Don't do it. All right.

No, don't do it. But you do have a green room. Yes, we do. All right. Absolutely. I love it, Michael. Oh, Jesus. There you go.

That's how loud the sound can get for everyone that hates that. That's right. You left your nurse slash girlfriend down there tonight. We had you chambered off backstage. We wanted to bring you up. We wanted to get you. Yeah, we're fighting again. Really?

Yeah. What are you guys fighting about? Well, it's like she's never heard of romance, man. Like, she always sanitizes her hands before she nuts me off. Before she nuts you off? I've never even heard of such terminology. You are one hip dude. Yo, that is one cool poem.

My goodness, Michael Lehrer. So what's the deal? What do you want to do? You want to go to Skankfest? Is that what you said? Yeah, man. Houston? I applied forever ago, and obviously I'm on the clock.

So, I mean, all fucking long. Do you think this is the way to go by between solving all we can to punch me in the face on Kill Tony? This is the way to go by between sold me all weekend and punch me in the face on Kill Tony? Dude, that might be the last time I get to punch someone in the face. So it was worth it. Salute. All right, listen to me.

You can go to Skank Fest, but first you have to do the dance, the floss on the stage right now. If you can floss, you got to get the whole rhythm down. Skank Fest, fucking full access right now. If you can floss 100, you got to get their whole rhythm down. Skank Fest, fucking full access right now. Come on. If someone spots me, come on. Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen. No, stop, stop. Where are you going to sit? Michael, here's the thing. I will invite you to Skank Fest, but I'm not going to let you just sucker punch me like that. If you're coming to Skank Fest, but I'm not going to let you just sucker punch me like that. If you're coming to Skank Fest, we're going to have a full-fledged MMA match in Houston, Texas.

Is that what you want to do? Yeah. Wow. So I will... Because look, I already challenged Jeremiah to a rematch in the slap boxing competition. He bitched out hard, okay? Yeah.

I'm really good. I've been looking for a new opponent. Look, I beat the shit out of the other house retard, Ryan O'Neal, a year ago. Hey, stunning events. Lewis beats up a CPR dummy. Congratulations, Lewis, you son of a bitch. Real nice.

No, I look for the fun. I'm really good on the ground. Wow. Unstoppable. So, yeah, we're going to figure it out. Michael, you're coming to Skankfest. I don't give a shit. No matter what, we're going to figure it out. You're going to Skankfest.

I don't know how... We're going to figure it out. We'll do it. I don't know how we're going to get him there. We'll do it together. We're going to pack him in a suitcase, I think. Maybe, at minimum, I'll get him there. No, no, no. You don't have to there. Let's get him on some shows. He's going to be at Skankfest.

You're going to Skankfest, buddy. Boom. And by the way, by the way, now William Montgomery killed himself. That's when it just happened. There you go. Hey, look.

Look at the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt, everybody. That's tonight's episode of Kill Tony. Did you guys have fun? All right. I guess so. I mean, it's a crazy hour and 40-minute long improvised live show that's not prepared at all, and anything can happen. Did you guys have fun tonight? All right.

That's acceptable. More importantly, did you want it? You gotta want it, baby! That's the tour that's happening. BigJayComedy.com for tickets to that. Go to LouisJGomezPresents, LouisJGomez.com to get tickets for him headlining all around the country with

Kurt Metzger this weekend at American Comedy Company in San Diego. Get Skankfest tickets at skankfest.net. If you live anywhere near Houston or in Texas or really just anywhere, you should get there that weekend. I know there's a lot of not only the things that are on the docket are amazing, but a lot of special secret things that are going to happen there that are going to blow people's minds.

You're going to wish you were there for sure. And, yeah, Kill Tony also on the road, of course, continuously coming up in San Antonio, Houston, Calgary, Vancouver, Swansea, Massachusetts, La Jolla, Ventura, Boston, and Austin. Vito's Pizza, delicious. Jeremiah Watkins is going to Chicago, Detroit, Tahoe, Buffalo, Syracuse, Albany. That's all at JeremiahWatkins.com. Jeremiah, anything else?

Jeremiah Wonders is out now. New episode with Mark Ellis of Jeremiah Wonders. I'll be Chicago Zanies in Detroit this weekend, so come on out and see me. That's right. And if you're in Texas, I'm in Plano tomorrow night. These guys have a sold-out show here tomorrow, the big New Year's Eve Legion of Skanks blowout. I'm in Plano tomorrow night. These guys have a sold-out show here tomorrow, the big New Year's Eve Legion of Skanks blowout.

I'm sad I'm going to miss it. Anything else, guys? Anything else you want to say? That's it, man. Thank you so much for having us once again, man. We really do appreciate it. All the L.A. love out here at the store. I love it. Thank you, guys.

Big J, Louis J. How about one more time for Jeremiah Watkins over there, the leader of the band? Chroma. We had Chroma Chris bat a thousand again tonight. Chroma, what do you think about tonight's episode? It was a little bit of a poetic justice. Poetic justice. Beautiful.

A thousand percent. How about one more time for the drummer, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody. An official Ludwig artist. Check out our roadcast from when we were in Ohio. Absolutely. 100%. Alright, live audience, thank you guys so much. We'll see you again soon. Red Band,

see you guys!素敵なアフターブ プラチナにないゲーム 傾け転がすI love you いつでもSmile for you 君だけにラブレスを頑張らなくちゃ 頑張れしょ 頑張れしょ お揃いのTシャツご視聴ありがとうございました Thank you.