KILL TONY - KILL TONY #426

Episode Date: January 9, 2020

Brian Holtzman, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 01/06/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to all the shows. And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live. We're at the Comedy Store every Monday at 8 o'clock, but we're always on the road, so click on Tour Dates to see where we're at next. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own tour dates, like his comedy shows.

He also has some merch up there, so check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, that's the house artist. He drew the Kill Tony book. He has a bunch of stuff for sale. Check out ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We got some Kill Tony shirts over there.

We got some Death Squad hats and mugs. Check out shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Red Famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for a Tony Hitchclap. Wow. What an eruption. You guys excited?

We're here. It's Monday night. It's Kill Tony Brian Redband is here Ladies and gentlemen The great Ryan J. Ebelt is already drawing Tonight's episode, while you all sit there Doing nothing, he draws the episode

Right there, live, with a blank sheet of paper In front of him, all those prints are available At RyanJEbelt.com, including all the Kill Tony posters, and including Kill Tony the book, which is also available on Amazon. Kill Tony the book three, two, and one. It's very exciting stuff. It's good to be here.

You guys excited? Away from missile strikes and whatnot? We're all safe here at the world-famous Comedy Store. Beautiful. Nowhere better to be on a Monday night than here. And we go on the road this weekend. Kill Tony continuously doing tour dates, and it doesn't stop. This Thursday, San Antonio, Kill Tony in a stand-up

show. Houston, actually the Houston Kill Tonys are sold out, very few tickets remaining for the two stand-up shows in Houston that I'm headlining that feature all your favorite Kill Tony characters from every single week. And Kill Tony Calgary, I believe, is sold out January 23rd. But again, stand-up that entire weekend, the 24th and 25th. Me and Jeremiah Watkins on those dates. And Tempe, Arizona, just me doing stand-up February 6th through the 8th. That's a gigantic comedy club. So if you live anywhere near Arizona or, in fact, west of the Mississippi,

think about coming to see me do stand-up in Tempe Arizona that weekend Kill Tony Vancouver February 21st Kill Tony East back to Swansea to Milo in beautiful right between Providence and Boston Swansea Mass February 29th La Jolla March 5th and then an entire weekend of stand-up after that Ventura California March 12th Kill Tony Boston April 9th with stand-up the 10th and 11th. And Austin, Kill Tony at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival, April 25th. Yeah, but tonight's about tonight. Am I right, people? We're here.

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first month free. That's incredible. Your first month free. Go to forhims.com slash kill Tony. That's forhims.com slash kill Tony. Prescription requires an online consultation with a physician who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Offer valid only if prescribed. Three-month minimum subscription. Additional restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. Remember, that's for hymns.com slash kill Tony. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Here we are. We're live. Number one live podcast in the world. Episode 426 or 427. Don't get confused that last week was episode 420. We're on episode 426. That's how high we got last week for episode 420 is we shot ahead six episodes. So excited about this. You know, I'll even say it out of all the guests that we had for their first time in 2019, this was the

most requested to be back. This is an absolute legend here at the Comedy Store. I don't like to use that word because sometimes that can seem disrespectful for a veteran comedian, but I'm telling you this is the comedian that all of your favorite comedians, after doing their spots here, if they find out that this guy's on stage, which he is every Friday and

Saturday night, this is the only human that closes all of the biggest shows here at the Comedy Store. And they all scurry in here, all your favorite comics, to watch him because he's a fucking monster. He's unpredictable. He's violent. Anything can happen. I present to you the return of the one

and only Brian Holtzman, everyone. Here we go. Fucking icon of the Comedy Store. An icon, ladies and gentlemen. Let's get ready to rumble! Wow. I'm Rick James, bitch!

Oh, wow. I'm Rick James, bitch! Happy New Year, everybody. Thank you for having me back. We're so excited about this Red Band and

Red Band and Red Band's gonna let me visit his island didn't you buy Jeffrey Epstein's island Red Band

no that's somebody else happy new year everybody I wanna wish everybody a happy new year and I mean that

from the bottom of my well I don't have a heart but and I wanna I hope all your Happy New Year. I mean that from the bottom of my... Well, I don't have a heart. And I want to... I hope all your court cases get dropped. All your divorces go through. And Red Band, I hope you got the wires.

The last time I was on here, I think you had a problem with the wires in the beginning. Do you think that you could make sure those fucking wires are all hooked up correctly? We got an extra wire for you. Wires are hooked. Everything's good. And that's about it. Let's start the show.

Absolutely. We're starting it. Speaking of starting shows, Brian Holtzman just started his new podcast, The Dead Air Podcast, on the Death Squad Network. Brian's a real professional. He's the only guy. This has been both times he hands me a laminated sheet with all of his handles on it. On Twitter, he's at Holtzman Brian.

On Facebook, he's Brian Holtzman. His website is brianholtzman.com, and his Instagram is brianholtzman. And it even says, thank you, Tony, there, nicely. This is actual laminated. But my name is Dave Kamada. I love it. Well, Brian, you may remember that we have a big, wacky band on this show. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters.

How many of you are fans of this show? Well, then you guys know what it is. Sometimes it's the return of famous characters that we've seen before. A lot of times on these home court shows, it's the debut of brand new characters we've never seen before. We never know what's going to happen. We're separated by an entire separate green room in the back. We never know what they're going to be. They took a long time getting ready tonight, so I'm excited to see this. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band, Jeremiah

Watkins, Chroma Chris, and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Oh! We've seen these guys before. We have seen these guys before. Oh, fucking cops. These guys have been on this show numerous times. This is very, very famous character, Chicago police officer.

Remind me your name again. Lieutenant Stroganoff, reporting for duty. Lieutenant Stroganoff. Somebody stole my damn bike. Oh, wow. How are you going to find him? Intuition. Oh, wow, wow, wow. Lieutenant Stroganoff.

Welcome back to the show. Remind me who your guitar player friend is here next to you. Named Sergeant Bookum, Dallas PD. Sergeant Buildum? Bookum. Sergeant Bookum. All right. It's what I do best.

Sergeant Bookum. And then, wow. Officer Rodriguez, LAPD, and you watch your fucking skinny white mouth. Wow, Jesus, you are mean. Officer Rodriguez, LAPD, and you watch your fucking skinny white mouth. Wow. Jesus, you are mean. I became a cop to beat up fucking white people and you know what? Everybody else too. Fuck them. Wow.

I got the fucking nightstick. That's right. Wow. My God. Jesus. That is one of the thickest mustaches I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, I got a hair for every Fucking little bitch I fucking whacked up On the streets of LA you better watch your ass

Christ officer Rodriguez Very aggressive Goodness quite the opposite of Lieutenant Stroganoff a more calculated Officer not afraid to show some skin Alright so I'm excited about this It's the return of the police officers We got Brian Holtzman, Brian Redband.

It's the first episode of 2020, ladies and gentlemen. This is it. Can I just say, the last time I was on this show, and I don't have anything deogatory to say, but we had every person of every... We had trannies, and we had homosexuals. You know, we had... You know, can we have some people this time

that's just regular fucking people? People with their original genitalia? People with their original breasts, original nose? People who had their whole body? My goodness. All right. I like it. breast, original nose. People are going to have their whole body. My goodness. All right. I like it. We're starting it out this way, which brings me to this. It's the bucket of destiny, everybody.

As Brian said, anything can happen. We get people of all different shapes and sizes and things like that. Yes. By the way, get used to Holtzman style, everyone. I know last night everyone said that Ricky Gervais was so edgy. But this is a real

live comedy store show. I think I have a spot on the force for this guy. Hey! Stretch search me! Stretch search me! So if I pull your name out of the bucket, which a bunch of people signed up. If you don't know, anybody can sign up. Maybe it's one of the veteran comedians over there that have been doing it a few months or a few years.

Maybe it's someone's very first time that traveled from somewhere to give it a shot. Anything can happen. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means to wrap it up then or else you also going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. Wow, sounds furious tonight. Sounds furious. And then we interview you.

I talk with you about your life. You just have to answer the questions honestly, and we'll all get through it together. We'll all figure it out together. All right, you guys ready to start the show? Let's go. guys ready to start the show? Yep. Okay. Well, here we go.

It's Kill Tony Live, and here we go. We're going to start it right now. Abso-fucking-lutely. One more time. You guys ready for this shit? Be a heterosexual, please. Be a heterosexual, please. Be a heterosexual, please. You know what? Actually, we're going to start with something special. A couple weeks ago, I mentioned a young man from San Francisco,

Dave Brasud, who I completely forgot that he was coming from San Francisco. If you remember, he got a hotel. He took time off of his job. I told him in San Francisco that he can have his first time at the comedy store. Just let me know when he's coming. And then I completely forgot that he showed up. And I gave him a big shout out. We got his social medias bumping.

But what do you guys say we kick off the show with him here tonight? Just so that I don't forget him. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you his first time at the comedy store, Dave Brassoud, everybody. Come on. Let's do it. Live from the world famous. Yeah. Come on. One more time for Dave, everybody. It's good. I got cops here. I'm going to tell you a story about when I used to be a paramedic. We got called in on a drug bust one time. Turned out to be a potential overdose.

Cops are talking out by the squad cars, right? And I can see them from the back of the ambulance. And they're talking. They're going, he says it's an eight ball. What's an eight ball from the back of the ambulance? I'm like, three and a half grams. And the cops are like, thanks, Dave. But my partner freaked out. He's like, dude, what are you doing? He says, you're going to get

trouble. I'm like, what are they going to do, arrest me for knowing measurements? And just so you know, there's 454 grams in a pound, 248 in a dealer's pound, 112 and a quarter pound, 28 an ounce, 14 and a half, seven and a quarter, three and a half and an eighth. Okay, thank you. This guy likes it. And I firmly believe that if it hadn't been for the drugs in the United States, nobody would know the metric system. Because nobody knows in here how many kilometers it is

to the dispensary, but everyone here knows how much it's supposed to weigh when you get there, right? Alright, that's my time. Oh yeah, Dave Pursuit, everyone. Welcome, welcome, Dave. Grab that microphone. Heck, yeah. I love it.

You made a mathematician come in his pants during that set at one point. I fucked up. I was a little nervous tonight, man. I know. That's what happens. You get on this red lacquer stage. Shit fucking hits you like a ton of bricks. All these lights, all these...

Why are you nervous? You hiding something? Hey! You been smoking weed? So welcome to the show, Dave. You drove a long time to get here, right? Yeah, I came down from the Bay Area again. Yep. So I came down and got a hotel, and tonight I'm actually

gonna use it, so it's okay. That's good. The fuck does that mean? Well, it's because I forgot them last time. So did you drive back right after the show last time when we forgot you? Just furious, right? You were so angry at me. I felt I really and I very rarely ever feel bad for anybody on anything. But this one really got me because I specifically told you

and I take great pride in being a man of my word on this show. Yeah. You said you had me. And then at the end of the show, I'm sitting there. Everybody's walking off. I'm like, what the fuck? Are you serious? Yeah.

So and then I was going to say some nasty shit to you. And then I'm like, I just went, wow, really, dude? I could tell. Oh, my God. Right. Cool. Yeah. I wrote back and then we took care of it.

And I felt terrible, though. No. And you sent me. Tony sent me an email, right? The next day. And it was totally heartfelt and everything. And I'm like, OK, cool, because he goes, come back on the show. The first email he sent.

I'm like, oh, fuck, man. I feel like Charlie Brown. And he's Lucy pulling the ball away from me. And but then the but then he sent the second one and he said i'm gonna call out to social media i had over thank you sir people 400 people 400 new followers and even michael lair with als yeah michael lair goes like this he's like dude he goes i've got an incurable disease but what happened to you sucks he's so funny i mean that fucking guy getting laughs already tonight. He actually passed away last week. So actually, I'm glad that you gave him a little shout out.

Very exciting stuff, Dave. So remind me, how long you been doing stand up? The last three years real serious, but nine years just dipping around in it. Heck yeah, dipping around. Look at you. And you were a paramedic? I was a paramedic on a specialized trauma rescue team. And I got in an accident, and I was out of that. And yeah, dipping around. Look at you. And you were a paramedic? I was a paramedic on a specialized trauma rescue team and I got in an accident and I was out of

that and then, you know. What was the accident? Somebody crashed into the ambulance. Wow. Were you driving? Were you on your way to a bedlock? I was in the back with a patient and I got thrown into the cabinets up front and this little old lady was in the ambulance with me and I'm like, ma'am, are you okay? She goes, I'm fine.

How are you? You got thrown right past me. And I'm like, ma'am, are you okay? She goes, I'm fine. How are you? You got thrown right past me. And I'm like, all right. Jesus Christ. What happened to the patient? She was fine. She was strapped in. Oh, my God. She was strapped in.

I was in the back of the ambulance. I went flying up into the cabinets up front. So that messed me up. My God. What do you call if an ambulance gets into an accident? Fucking Ghostbusters? I know. We had three ambulances show up.

One for me, one for her, and one for the supervisor. So we, you know, it had three ambulances show up. One for me, one for her, and one for the supervisor. So we, you know, it's five ambulances on scene. You just hate to see first responders get fucked up. Yeah. It goes against everything we believe in. For sure. But you're talking like this is the first time that you ever got fucked over.

By Tony. Is this the first time that you ever got fucked over? Is this the first time that you ever got fucked over by somebody? Little does he know that I was the guy that crashed into the ambulance that day. It was a hit and run. I had to get out of there. I wrote him a nice email, though. It was very heartfelt. It was great. I mean, I had all kinds of people that reached out and they said, you know, hey, we're supporting you.

We'll be watching tonight and all that kind of stuff. And then one guy's like, oh, hey, you faggot. I'm like, really? Welcome to the internet, Dave. If you think that's bad, you should see my everything. I'm like, you suck one dick. Right. That's what I say.

That's the same thing. You suck 47 dicks, and this is what happens. But it was really cool. I mean, it's been great. There's a lot of people reached out. It was really cool, and I appreciate you having me back. Of course. It was great.

Of course. Well, thanks for getting this show kick-started off tonight. I love it. Is there anything else we should know about you, Dave? Any fun facts about you or your life? Well, I told you after the accident recovery and everything, I swam from Alcatraz to shore, and then you asked if I did anything else, and I left it out.

We did this thing after the accident. My daughter and I swam from Alcatraz to shore a mile and and then you asked if I did anything else and I left it out We did this thing after the accident my daughter and I swam from Alcatraz to shore mile and a half and she's a swimmer That's how my father got to this country Yeah, and then and then I did Statue of Liberty to New Jersey as well So, you know we did Statue of Liberty to New Jersey a professional bragger to like it Well, did you climb out Everest too, Dave? What haven't you fucking done, Dave? You get thrown out of an ambulance and now you want to,

you know, it's okay. It's okay. I used to pick up patients like you, man. 51 50s. All right. Wait,

what did he say? I missed it. He called me crazy. That's what he did. Oh, we got a 51 50 in progress. Oh, all right, Dave. Well, I mean, you did a good crazy. That's what he did. We got a 51-50 in progress. Uh-oh. All right, Dave.

Well, I mean, you did a good job. You got us started here. A lot of math in that set, but we got through it. And that's sort of like a brand for you because I remember the gram. All right. Thank you, guys. There you go. Dave Pursuit, everybody.

There he goes. Hey, he got a CD. Whoa. Look at that. Wow. What did he get? We got CDs. Brian Holtzman appears to be giving away CDs and $2 bills tonight, everybody.

How exciting is this? It's not a comedy CD, right? That's like a normal CD. Who did you get? Lou Rawls. Lou Rawls. Lou Rawls, ladies and gentlemen. This is a private CD collection that I'm giving out for the new year.

Lou Rawls is a badass motherfucker. Lou Rawls, singing from the ball cage. My goodness. Heck yeah. Okay, you guys ready to go to this bucket? Anything can happen, people. This is it. Thank you, Lieutenant Stroganoff, for resetting the mic stand.

They had to be cops, right? Oh, my God. And your first comedian pulled out of the bucket tonight goes by the name of Adam Crocetti. Adam Crocetti or Adam Crocetti? Come on down. Here he comes, all the way from the lucky corner. Unbelievable.

At least once an episode. If I was signing up for this show, I would sit at that table every goddamn time. There is something magical about that. Here he comes, Adam Crosetti. Everybody's touching me on their way up tonight. One more time for Adam, everyone. Damn you, Holtzman.

I'm Rick James, bitch. Look like a game show host from hell. God damn you, Stroganoff. This bastard gave me a ticket out front. I was masturbating in my truck. Say, you can't park in the Comedy Store parking lot. You got to earn that shit. You want to masturbate in your truck in this parking lot.

You get your name on the wall, god damn it. Chopping it up with Tony the other day out front. I was told I was worried about going on the goddamn show. I don't want to get chewed up on the fucking Kill Tony show. Because I always hear him ask the question, how many of you guys like it when comedians do good on the show? Nobody fucking claps. It's an asshole audience.

I don't trust this crowd. Fuck yeah. Way to burn bridges with everybody during that set That was incredible Just absolutely as bad as it gets I mean just I couldn't think If I were to strategically write

like okay you want to really be bad tonight here's what you do You start with Holtzman and then go to Jeremiah's character make fun of that character, say that he gave you a ticket or something else that doesn't make any fucking sense, and then talk about hanging out with me or something like that.

That's what I would say. I would say don't do any jokes. Whatever you do, don't do jokes. Just come out and fucking try to just be an asshole. How do you feel that that went? I feel terrible, Tony. We feel terrible too.

Holtzman says that he feels terrible too. I don't even know if you're gonna get one of these CDs tonight. This is incredible. You get a laser disc for that performance. Back to the future, too. Adam, don't try. Don't try.

This guy. Don't try. It looks like we have found the marathon bomber, Tony. It is incredible. Adam, so you're as bad as it gets. Tell us your story. Have you been doing stand-up at all? Have you ever done stand-up?

Yeah, Chicago. Chicago. He is not one of mine. It's the minor leagues. How long have you been doing it in Chicago? A couple years. A couple years, really? How many times a week do you perform in Chicago?

I try to get up nine times. I'm working 12 hours a day in Chicago mowing lawns, trying to get up at least nine times a week. Let's go to Chicago's own Lieutenant Stroganoff. Yeah, all I can say, that was a deep dish bomb. Okay. Don't bring Chicago's name into this one more time. I'm at the top of the force.

I'm the number one bike cop in Chicago in the metropolis area, so never use the word Chicago again. All right. So, Adam, you're saying that you work 12 hours a day. What do you do for work? Wall burgers, right? Mowing lawns in Chicago. You mow lawns in Chicago.

The Guatemalans, man, hold up the wee whacker sideways, hit up the goddamn sidewalk, doing the straight, straight hedge. Oh, my God. Very interesting. Very interesting occupation. Stimulating work. It's very stimulating. Unbelievable.

Not only do you mow lawns, you also dig yourself into massive holes. Working on it. Wow. So nine times a week. You've been doing it three years, and you still have- I'll say a couple years. I'll say two. I'll say two.

Oh, okay. I don't want to claim three. I feel like three is the best it should be. Let's say none. Let's say you've never done stand-up. Let's just say that. Really. Let's just say this is your first time ever, and it'll be easier for everybody to die for.

Be honest. You're not supposed to lie when you come up here. Come on, shut down. It's me. I work at Wahlburgers. All right, all right. So this is really interesting because you're so bad. Do you want to do a joke? You have like one short joke that you've compiled out of all of your sets?

Yeah, let's work on it. Just do one short joke. Look out there. Stop looking at us and do one short joke. I just got back from dinner with my dad earlier. Jericho is the name. He's a Vietnam vet. Bastard hunts deers with a bow and arrow. I just got back from dinner with my dad earlier. Jericho is the name. He's a Vietnam vet.

Bastard hunts deers with a bow and arrow. Not a crossbow, he's not a pussy. Bastard comes to the dinner table without a shirt on. Got the chain tangled up in the chest hair. He's a real man. The bigger dick than everybody in this room. Bastard's half black, half German Jew. But Vietnam, dude likes to tell a lot of stories not so many

battle stories my dad likes to talk about fucking all the fucking he did in vietnam one one one great thing you had to be wary about in the horror huts of vietnam Wow. You got saved by Red Band on that one from dying the slowest death ever. So you lived in Chicago and you're like, I'm going to go out to L.A. and show them what the fuck I got. Right. This is what everybody in Chicago is like. They don't even know I can make it out of Chicago, be anywhere if I wanted to be. I could be in New York. I can make it out of Chicago. I could be anywhere if I wanted to be. I could be in New York. I could be in L.A. And then you just come here and you fucking eat it as hard as you can.

You backstreet boys me. Let me get to the. No, dude. There are limits to these things on this show. In life, in life, there are limits to what anybody can handle and what anybody can do. Like in a normal set. Let's say you had, okay, relax, pal. There you go. So let's say you had 20 minutes on stage, right?

And that would be, if that was your opening joke, that would be too long. Does this make sense to you? You know my dad, he hunts with a bow and he's got a chest and stuff. I couldn't possibly, I can't imagine a scenario where you give us more unnecessary information. There's no way that Vietnam and his name being Jericho and all of these things were going to come together for this one fucking nuclear pop. It was going to be...

Tony, it was going to be a nuclear pop, God damn it. You know what? Then start it from where he cut you off. One thing you had to be wary of when you were fucking in Vietnam, it was a civil war. Half the country was against us. Half of it was a friendly zone. Occasionally, the infidel pussy wandered into the goddamn whore huts.

You had to be wary of a razor blade in the vagina. My dad was a courageous man. He was still fucking. I think that takes courage Hold on, no, no, stop it For the love of God, stop it Keep going If I heard even one story

About one razor blade And one vagina I wouldn't be fucking I would be celibate for my entire trip on the continent Adam be jerking off in a tent profusely Like like in the truck earlier when I got the ticket from this bastard. Oh, fuck. Because I don't want to be. Everybody stop.

I don't want to. But here we get to the last sentence. The reason I wouldn't even risk it, I don't want to be the guy that gets his dick cut in half long ways. All right. Very good.. Alright. Very good. Very good. Very good. Now you see, you proved my point that none of that came back. The dinner, we didn't need to know

that you were at dinner with your dad. We didn't need to know that his name was Jericho. We didn't need to know that Vietnam was in a civil war at the time. All of the information that we didn't need Was all of the information that you gave us All that you needed to say was My dad was in Vietnam

He used to hook up with chicks And he told me that they put razor blades In their vagina sometimes They wouldn't do that with me because And then you get to that part where Remember when you said this is the last sentence I swear You're a Tarantino guy. I was trying to paint a, get some atmosphere going, goddammit.

Oh, my God. Trying to bring you to the dinner table. Oh, my God. Tarantino. There was something Harvey Weinstein about that performance, because you raped us for fucking eight minutes. That's all it was. What's the only thing Tarantino about that set? You sound like every fucking animated

cat that plays jazz in every cartoon ever. That's what I'm going for. Why do you hold your mic? I don't like this guy. Alright. Adam. Adam, before we let you go, shut the fuck up. Adam, I mean, Jesus.

You're trying to shoehorn more horrible shit into this. Luckily, this is an unsinkable ship. This is proof that nothing can stop the momentum of this show anymore. If there's one, before we let you go, because I fucking hate how long you've been on this stage. Before we let you go, can you tell us one redeeming quality about you that might turn this whole thing around, that might make us all like you? Did you ever accomplish anything or do anything?

Is there anything good about you in the world, in your entire life history? Look at them. Chinatown. Walking past the grocery store. I saved the turtles. We got to go. There he goes. Adam Crocetti, everybody. Adam saved the turtles. We got to go. There he goes. Adam Crocetti, everybody.

Adam Crocetti. Holy shit. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. How many of you think we should light him on fire right now, huh? Throw him out. That's a pretty good turnout.

Brandon, can you take him to the parking lot and light him on fire? We'll live stream it from the Kill Tony Instagram right now. Throw him out of the club. Throw him out. That's why I don't want to have a daughter or a son. Security, security, get rid of that, whatever that was. What a charlatan he turned out to be. A complete fucking falsehood of a man.

Oh, my God. All right, back to the bucket we go. Clearly anything can happen. Clearly none of this is planned or pre-produced. Make some noise for your next comedian. Straight out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Jeffrey Reyes Jr., everyone. Here we go.

Come on down, Jeffrey. From the exact back corner. Uh-oh, the lucky corner. Maybe the unlucky corner tonight. We'll see what happens here. I see something coming over. Watch the camera, Jeffrey. Watch that camera.

Jeffrey Reyes Jr. Here he is, Jeffrey Reyes Jr. Come on, one more time for Jeffrey. What the fuck? This is what you get for asking for a heterosexual to come on this stage, son. That's what happened. You was begging for... So, did you feel like garbage when you put on that suit today?

Like, do you feel like a traitor? My bad, I had to look over here. Do you feel like a traitor when you put on a suit like that? I don't fuck with colored cops, son. It's not a thing I can do. Like, I got pulled over by a black guy the other day. And I'm just thinking, like, yo, what type of Benedict Arnold shit is this, son?

Like, seeing a black cop for me is like walking into a Popeye's and seeing a chicken working at the cash register. Like, nigga, do you know what they do here? And then like the chicken trying to justify it. Like, it's not like we only serve fried chicken. We have Cajun fish and fried shrimp. Like, because the cops don't just serve racism. Fuck yeah.

You got a joke out. You got a joke. That was a joke, ladies and gentlemen, with a real punchline. A chicken working at Popeye's. Grab the microphone. That was incredible. Again, you know what I mean? It's a race to get to these things. No matter what level of comedian you are, whether it's week three or 15 years, you're in a race to get to your first punchline.

And you turned around. You looked at him. You had this great joke up your sleeve, and it took you 45 seconds to get to the chicken part. You could have said, I hate black cops. Look at these cops. I hate cops. I got pulled over by a black cop. I'm like, do you know?

Then you're in. You see? That's 10 seconds. Okay, go ahead. Give a horrible excuse. What had happened was... He knows the color guys too well. He knows the color guys too well.

The Joel Berg chants have begun. At least he's here. He wasn't represented last night on the podcast. Just talk over the guest any time. I love it, Jeffrey. Good stuff so far from everybody pulled out of the bucket. That's very good. Jeffrey, go ahead.

Oh, finish saying what I was saying? Yep. That's what happens when you talk at the same time on a podcast. Then they don't hear anybody, and you have to start all over again. Yes, the suspect is a black male in a black hoodie. Oh, yeah. All right. So I was just going to say, I thought I should talk about the dude that came up earlier.

How do I not say something about that? You didn't have to. We all wanted to move on so badly. Acknowledging that would be the wrong maneuver. I just thought that whole thing was hilarious. I want to acknowledge what Lieutenant Stroganoff just said a moment ago. You are a black man in a black hoodie. It's not a hoodie?

It's a half hoodie. It looks like a hoodie. It's a transvestite hoodie. You're not sure which one it is. It's the old I'm only half black. We call that a black and mild.

The old uncircumcised turtleneck we got going on over here. Jeffrey, how long you been doing stand-up? Year and four months now. Year and four months. Heck yeah. Anyone tell you to not chew gum on stage yet? No. Well, then congratulations.

Wait, wait, wait. Holtzman's got his hand out. Whoa! Look at that! Brian Holtzman, a comedy martyr. I already got A's. Hey now! Hey now!

Oh! Thank you. Holtzman's saving it for his private collection I know you have a whole basket of those I love it So a year and a half, Jeffrey All of it here in Los Angeles? Oh, two years Two years, all of it here in LA?

Oh yeah, all of it's in LA Is this where you're from? No Where are you from? I'm from Camden, New Jersey Camden, New Jersey Oh, I'm sorry Heck yeah Nah of it's in New York. Is this where you're from? No. Where are you from? I'm from Camden, New Jersey. Camden, New Jersey. Oh, I'm sorry. Heck yeah.

Nah, it's pretty cool there. You ever been out there looking at the beach there in New Jersey and see a guy swimming from the Statue of Liberty right at you? The bragger. The bragger. Nah, I don't hang out in the state. Do you know how to swim? Yeah.

Oh, okay. I'm actually Puerto Rican. Oh, you are? Well, I don't hang out with these guys. Do you know how to swim? Yeah. Oh, okay. I'm actually Puerto Rican. Oh, you are? Yeah. Well, I'm half. Half Puerto Rican. Your mom's Puerto Rican, dad's black? My dad is Puerto Rican, my mom's black.

Wow. Good guess, though. I'm not sweating, though. Oh, interesting stuff. How do you make money? How do I make money? Comedy. You make money doing comedy. I'd like to know how you

do that because I'm having trouble doing that. It's how I try to make money. Right. How do you make money? I don't unless I tell you. How do you survive? How do you live in Los Angeles? You have to make a certain amount of income to be able to live and eat.

I had some money saved up. How'd you save up money? Oh, I used to be an accountant. You used to be an accountant? Yeah. Oh, a bank robber. Very good. So you went to school for accounting? Yeah. Where at? St. Peter's University. St. Peter's University. Huh.

Very, very interesting. Where's that at? In New Jersey? Jersey City. Very cool. Very cool. You say that like he was supposed to know where that was. So now you live in L.A. How long have you been in L.A.? Two years. What do you do for fun? Drugs.

What kind of drugs do you do? All the drugs. All the drugs? What's your favorite drug that you just can't go without? Oh, chronic. Chronic? Other than chronic. What's your favorite drug that you just can't go without? Oh, chronic. Chronic? Other than chronic. Come on.

That's not a drug. We all, that's, yeah, we don't consider that a drug. Hey, Tony? Yes, Lieutenant Stroganoff. Yeah, you've been being the good cop. Can I be the bad cop now? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. What kind of drugs do you do?

Are you guilty? All the time, sir. Okay. All right, so what are we talking about here? You keep saying all the kinds and then weed. Can we get something in the fucking middle maybe? Maybe something of any substance? Like acid?

Acid? Okay, that's a white people drug. What else? Crack? No crack. Coke is fun. Coke is fun. How often do you do that? Coke? I don't know? A couple times a month. A couple times a month?

Wow. I believe he said month. Look at you. My goodness. That's interesting. Mr. I saved up money. How much money did you save from accounting? Enough to see if I can be a comedian full time.

Wow. So when it runs out, if I'm still working. Listen to that Coke head back there clapping for you. You ever think I was saving up enough to buy the rest of that hoodie? The hood? Never mind. What's your love life like? Non-existent.

Non-existent. Take it. Just take it. So when you do these drugs, you never do them with a lady? Oh, occasionally. Occasionally. But it's non-existent. Why do you think that drugs, you never do them with a lady? Oh, occasionally. Occasionally. But it's non-existent. Why do you think that is?

Your love life. I'm not looking to be in a relationship. How about hookups? How's that? Nobody is. How about hookups? Occasionally. So like occasionally, like when's the last time you hooked up with a girl?

A couple days ago. A couple days ago. Bam! What was that like? Was that from an app or did you meet her in person? No, we used to work together. Was she soliciting her services to you? Did you leave your socks on?

Nah. Socks and sneakers. Socks and sneakers. We didn't hear your answer there because there was the sound of a pig for some reason. Because we know what she looked like. Okay. Very good. Yep. Stick with me over here.

Officer Rodriguez, you are being very hostile towards this man. You might want to back down or I might have to write you up. Okay. So, back to you, Jeffrey. So, this chick, you worked with her as an accountant? Yes. Uh-huh. And you guys with her as an accountant? Yes. Uh-huh.

And you guys hook up on the regular? Sometimes. This is like the third time. But the accounting you did, that was back in Jersey or out here? No, I did accounting out here when I first got here. Oh, okay. But how long ago did you retire from accounting? About a year ago.

About a year ago. You saved up your money, and now you're just spending it as you go. What's your living situation? Do you have roommates? No. You live by yourself? Yeah. With all the money that you saved for doing accounting for a few years?

Yeah. Okay. And you do cocaine twice a month. You live by yourself. You're doing blow. Sounds like a good roommate to me. Stealing all the shit in the house.

Lieutenant Stroganoff? Yeah, are you aware that you're being recorded right now? You are treating this like an interrogation with just one word answers. We would like to get a little bit more from you if that's okay. I don't feel like wholly comfortable

in this situation if I'm being completely honest. Okay, then we're getting somewhere. Why don't you feel comfortable? Like police uniforms really fuck with me. I can tell. You think these are uniforms? It's just a black button up shirt I got at the Goodwill, you idiot.

Me too. Me too. Alright. Well, Jeffrey, it was fun trying to talk with you here tonight. Oh, was I? Good attempt. Jeffrey Reyes Jr., everybody, your third comedian tonight. Hey, you got a $2 bill.

What CD did you get? A little Ella Fitzgerald. A little Ella Fitzgerald. Very nice. Everybody has a little Ella Fitzgerald. A little Ella Fitzgerald. Very nice. Everybody has a little Ella Fitzgerald in their lives. Let's keep this fun train just moving along. Let's not slow down momentum at all.

Make some noise for Matt Jones or Malt Jones, perhaps. Matt Jones. Matt or Malt. Here we go. Come on down. Come on down. You're the next one. He's got a hoodie. He's got a hoodie.

Matt Jones, I do believe it is. Yeah. More time for Matt, everybody. Come on. Yeah. Matt. So I like living in Los Angeles. I'm assuming probably most of you guys are from here. My favorite part about L.A. is we don't have seasons. So nobody realizes how old they're getting.

Like cougars like tap out like everywhere else. But they don't tap out in Los Angeles. It's like, I'm 81 years old. I got frontal lobe dimension. I'll suck your dick. It's like, I'll show you my new tramp stamp. It's of a Model D Ford. It's like they tap out everywhere else. It's like the metric in the Midwest is just those mom jeans get like higher and higher and higher to where eventually it just turns into a

denim Snuggie. Like by the end of their life, they just zip it up and it's like, well, Cheryl's self-cocooned. You know, they don't even need a coffin, you know. Been dating a lot. I'm on all the apps. I'm on a really, really gross one called Plenty of Fish. You guys ever heard of that? All the women on there, they put like a little disclaimer

that says they don't like creepers. Okay, that's it. Thanks. Go ahead, go ahead. Finish it. Finish it? Finish it, yeah. Like, no creepers.

If you're a creeper, please don't contact me. Do you think creepy guys actually abide by that? Like some guy's just on his keyboard and he's flustered like, fuck. Well, if she doesn't want me smoking cigarettes on her window ledge, yeah. There you go. I'm fogging up the glass with my breath. There you go. Fuck yeah.

Matt Jones, everybody. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Welcome to the show, Matt. You've been on here before, right? No, I actually never have. Wow. Never.

I feel like I've seen you around for a while now. Yeah. I've just never done the show. My goodness. You've been signing up for a long time? Well, like two months. Oh, okay. Yeah.

That's it. Look at you. You're adorable. I'm trying. Thank you. Look at you. You're like a little... Yeah, I'm trying to shed that with a leather jacket, you know? Yeah. Oh, okay. That's it. Look at you. You're adorable. Thank you. I'm trying to shed that with a leather jacket. Yeah, I guess so. Pink hoodie.

Trying to be a badass, looking like a manager for poison. You fall off a motorcycle? What happened to your jeans there? No, these are actually pre-ripped jeans. This is a 33-year-old midlife crisis. Wow, look at you. I like the way you... Tough guy version of Baby Yoda. Fun stuff. So how long have you been doing stand-up?

I've been doing it for 10 years, but I stepped back in the last three because I was doing a lot of sketch. When you say you stepped back, are you talking about From That Ledge, my friend? Yes. Third Eye Blind, baby. Yeah. Third Eye Blind. I was in a Third Eye Blind and then Foo Fighters cover band. You were? No. Oh, you weren't. No. Wow. There you go. I was in a Third Eye Blind and then Foo Fighters cover band. You were? No. Oh, you weren't. Wow. There you go.

I was doing a lot of sketch and I was still doing stand up, but I wasn't doing it as much. I was getting up maybe like three times a week and mostly open mics. Uh huh. Uh huh. Very good. What do you do for work? I do valet right now. So. Oh, wow. Anywhere fancy? It's at the West Hollywood Edition, so. It's kind of a nice. I make $12 an hour, so, you know. You ever take one of those cars for a joyride?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Tesla. There you go. I know. Yeah, there you go. I love it. Heck yeah. So you really are on all these dating apps? Yeah, I mean, I got off all of them because I was actually in a 12-step called SLAW, which is Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

So I got off all of them. But I was on Tinder. I was on Bumble. I'm going to stop you right there. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. I was on all of them. What does SLAW stand for again?

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Okay. So do you consider yourself? Sluts love anal always. Yeah. That too. There you go. That Sluts love anal always. Yeah, that too. That's cool, man. So are you more of the sex addict or a love addict? I think probably the sex addict, you know?

And I'm like really unassuming, because like women always, I think I'm kind of disarming, you know? Right, right. Because I'm like 5'5". Yeah, exactly. Women are real shy today, too. Yeah, you know. So tell us about your sex addiction.

What are some highlights of it? What are some of the naughtiest things you've ever done? We're talking about what? The naughtiest things? I mean, it was weird because I actually date a lot of black women. And there was a point when I was going... We got a BBW in progress. I do.

Wow. I do. I do. So it's sort of like I like women that are way bigger than me. Is that true? Aphrodite, come up here for a second, will you? My goodness, I just can't help myself. I have to see. I have some questions for you. This is the real life Aphrodite,

ladies and gentlemen. Here she is. This guy's telling me that he's into big black women, and I want to know, what the hell would you do with this? I don't know. I'm pretty agile, you know? Really? I think so, yeah.

You look like you don't believe me. She's like, no. You do look like you're interested in dying. In dying? Really? Why? Because I'm so, yeah. You look like you don't believe me. She's like, no. You do look like you're interested in dying. In dying? Really? Why? Because I'm so skinny? If I lay on you, you're going to die.

I don't know. When you're with a big black woman, would you let her get on top of you? Yeah. Really? Lay down. Let her get on top of you. We'll see what happens. We'll see what happens.

Yeah. Yes, you can. Yes, you fucking can, Aphrodite. Come on. Get down there. Hold on to the microphone. All the way down? Hold on. Jeremiah is going to help you.

Just don't jump on my jacket. Don't just fall on it. Hold on a second. Hold on. A little bit less on the volume here so that we can narrate this as it happens. So, first of all, Aphrodite was just about to fucking sit on him for a second. For those of you listening to this podcast that don't watch it, I apologize. I mean, this is just this is an absolute hazard.

Aphrodite said that she can't get down there. Easy now, easy now, easy now. What is the plan here? I don't know. I'm like nervous now. Oh, wait a second. Oh, my God. See?

Woo! Woo! But that's. There's a black woman assaulting a white man right now. Wow. We have a code blue and a code black. This is unbelievable. There's blood coming out of Matt's ears right now.

Wow. That was a lot. I didn't realize it would be more dangerous for Aphrodite than it was for Matt when I came up with this idea. How do you lay down in bed, Aphrodite?

You just lay there waiting for three guys to help you? I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do. I think I told you this a while back.

When I go to sleep, it's like sleeping on top of Mount Everest. It really is because my ass hypes me way up in the air, and then I just kind of lay back on pillows. Oh, my goodness. And look down from the mountain. Hey.

All right. So hand the microphone back to Matt for a second. I want to see. So let's say Aphrodite invited you over for some, you know, she makes delicious fried chicken, and she invites over comedians. And I have to say that so that I don't sound racist. I couldn't just say if Aphrodite invited you over for chicken and then I have to say she makes it for comedians, she invites them over.

And then she's like, hey, I want to show you something in my bedroom. And you'd be like, what would you say to that? What would be your first move? I think whenever I was in the prime of my thing, I would be like, yeah. But now I have a little bit more self-control. I'm talking about back then. I don't know. I got a lot of recovery under my belt.

No, I'm talking about back then. Oh, back then. Oh, yeah. So what would you do? What would be your first move? Whenever I went over there? If we were eating chicken? Yes, if you were eating chicken, she invited you to her bedroom. I actually have a thing where I get grossed out if you're eating beforehand. Oh. Yeah, that's like a weird...

Then this would never work out with Aphrodite. That's like a weird thing, because your stomach's full and everything like that, and I get bad gas. Aphrodite always just ate something. Aphrodite. I can't deal with this. I have to have the plant tissue fucking the big dick. I can't deal with this, man. I can't deal with this. I have to have the plantation fucking the big dick. I can't deal with this, man. I can't deal with this shit.

Oh, I'm right here. This is my Dracula dream right here. I have a large, large penis. Bite me in the neck, baby. Shit. I also have a lot of recovery under my belt. But see, I really want to get fucked in the back of the police car. You know what I'm saying?

Wow. All right. Well. It's not my belt. But see, I really want to get fucked in the back of the police car. You know what I'm saying? All right. Well, it's not my fault. Matt, what's the biggest black woman you've ever been with? If you had to guess the weight of the woman. I mean, not like huge, but I'd say like, I mean, I weigh like 130, so maybe like maybe like 190. 190? I don't know.

I'm bad at quantifying weight. Half of my ass weighs 190. Half of my ass weighs 190. Half of her ass weighs 190. Maybe like 200 then? 200. I mean, it wasn't strictly that. It wasn't like a porno where it's like the white trash guy in a trailer on a waterbed. But it was like, you know, I liked bigger women.

I like women that are bigger than me. So it's like, which is almost every woman, you know? All right. I mean, maybe like, than me. Which is almost every woman. I think the blood stopped going to your head after Aphrodite sat on you. But this was fun. This was a fun experiment. How about one more time for Matt Jones and the great Aphrodite, everybody. Aphrodite got a Princey.

Some Andy Griffin. Way to go. Princey. Some Andy Griffin. Way to go. And Matt Jones got Andy Griffith. I feel like Brian Holtzman is giving the CD, is stereotyping these people as to what CDs they're going to like. Well, you know, black people like black music. That is true. Black people like black music. That is true. Black people like black music.

And he gave Matt Jones fucking Andy Griffiths CD. Just as white as it gets. Like Opie shit? Yeah. You know, I was at a Chick-fil-A the other day, and they tried to baptize me in line. Oh, no, you don't have to laugh if you don't want to. the other day and they tried to baptize me in line. Oh no, you don't have to laugh if you don't want to.

Alright, pulled another name out. You guys having fun out there? Alright, let's see what happens. Clearly anything can happen. Make some noise for Jason Rodriguez, everyone. Jason Rodriguez. I fought the law and the law won. Jason Rodriguez. I fought the law and the law won.

Jason Rodriguez. Not seeing any movement here. We got anybody in the lobby? No. On to the next one. Make some noise for Andrew Mercado, everyone. Andrew Mercado. I fought the law and the law won. I fought the law and the law won.

I fought the law and the law won. Here he comes. Andrew Mercado. Hey, guys. I'm developing a character. He's a civil rights leader and fast food chain restaurant owner. His name is Martin Luther Burger King Jr.

I like silly names. I don't know. I heard a silly name on the radio the other day, and they were talking about Netflix producers. And this is the actual name that I heard on the radio. I want you guys to listen to this. His name is Tommy Shlommy. That's someone's real name.

Like, someone grew up with that name. They didn't even have to make fun of him in the playground. They just had to say his name out loud and everyone just laughed. That was it. It's crazy. Could you imagine like pitching a show to this guy? He's a Netflix producer. You go to his office.

He's like, hey, you know me. I'm Tommy Shlammy. Here are my associates. Anna Banana. Fee-fi-mo-Manna, and Go Anna. We get along so well, I don't get it. Stupid. Hey, guys, I feel like they could call small churches glory holes also.

Fuck yeah. Andrew Mercado, I love it. Welcome, welcome. Absolutely. I love it. Welcome, welcome. Absolutely. I love it. This is your first time on Kill Tony. Yeah. Yeah, it's fun.

I'd remember a fucking skull like that if I've seen it before. Well, welcome to the show, Andrew. Thank you. Very funny set. Probably the set of the night so far. Lieutenant Stroganoff. A school shooter is on site. There you go. There you go. A school shooter. Keep your distance. A school shooter is on site. There you go. There you go.

A school shooter. Keep your distance. Adult school shooter. There you go. Jesus. A night school shooter is on site. Oh, man. Type of trade school shooter, perhaps.

So, Andrew, welcome, welcome. Indeed. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? It's been off and on for five years now. Look out there. Cheat towards that audience a little bit. Everybody's been here. Just step back between

Lieutenant Stroganoff and Brian. This way everybody can see you. Duncan Trussell with Down Syndrome is here tonight. Wow. Wow. Throwing Duncan under the bus. Goddamn roast.

Right, yeah. Crazy. Another couple months until he's a guest again. So welcome, Andrew. How old are you? I'm 32. 32. And how long do you say you've been doing this again? I'm doing this off and on five years, a lot more recently, though. Right. And what do

you do for work? Right now, I'm just I'm subbing and Ubering. So I'm just doing a few things. Substitute teacher. Yeah. Oh, I thought you meant sandwiches. What? I thought he meant sandwiches. What? I thought he meant sandwiches. Sandwiches. Wow, iceberg. What kind of shampoo do you use? What kind of shampoo do I use?

I don't know, just use regular shampoo. You have a good frame. I like the way your clothing hangs off your body. Thank you. I feel like those are two unrelated thoughts. That's cool, though. I appreciate the compliments. You're a very good-looking guy. How many weeks till you become the Riddler?

Was it? How long you been a substitute teacher for? A few years. A few years. Do kids ever make fun of you or call you anything weird? Oh, dude, kids are terrible. What stands out to you? What's something that really hurt your feelings?

Okay, there's one thing that I get pretty commonly. It doesn't matter which school I'm in. It's always Shaggy. It's that. Really? Shaggy, yeah. Kids are that into Scooby-Doo? I know, crazy.

They all know it. It's insane. That's interesting. Is that one of your... I'm a waggy. Oh, boy. It's not really a roast, but I heard most of the kids go,

yeah, that's the guy, officer. And I would have got away with it, too. What? Wait, what, Chroma Chris? What did you say? It was a Scooby-Doo reference. Oh. I know nothing about Scooby-Doo, and I don't regret that at all.

Really? You didn't grow up with Scooby-Doo? I don't blame you at all. I was always sort of like, that shit's lame. What was your cartoons? Oh, I had, you know, I'm one of those older kids, you know what I mean? I'm a Ghostbusters Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The real Ghostbusters?

What? Like, what cartoons did you grow up? Ghostbusters, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Nickelodeon business was booming when I was a kid. All the green news on everything. Double Dare. I was a big pro wrestling fan even as a child.

Me too. Me too. Yeah. It's a Me Too movement going on up here right now. I remember the Ghostbusters cartoon. That was a really good one. Yeah, it was great. Absolutely.

You know, they based Egon after you. That's an inside reference. That's why I don't make cartoon jokes up here. Go ahead, Lieutenant Stroganoff. Yeah, how are you allowed to substitute teach when you're not allowed 500 yards within a school? That's a good question. Good question.

Oh, man. That was funny. Yeah. I like your glasses, man. It's good. That was funny. Yeah. I like your glasses, too. Thank you. Thank you. Appreciate that. Did you raise your hand back there, Chroma?

Did you signal for something? He fixed my helmet. Oh, okay. Andrew Mercado. So tell us about your life. What are some fun facts that people would be surprised to know about you? I mean, you seem like you have a lot of pictures on your walls with yarn attaching sort of like

conspiracy theories or something like that. I'm the complete opposite of that. Actually, I'm I don't know. If I'm talking to somebody who's a conspiracy theorist, I'm usually really skeptical about what they're telling me. Sure. So what are things that you're into or passionate about?

I like alty, weird, sad music and stuff like that. I don't know. I just like weird, absurd shit. Do you play sad music? Not really, no. No, no, no. I saw somebody around here wearing a Daniel Johnston T-shirt. I think it was a host, and I identified with that. I was like, what shit?

I was going to say what's cool. So you're into sad music? What else? I don't know. It's just the first thing that came to mind. I'm not really sure why. Tony, I remember this guy. We charged him. Play video games. Hold on a second. Go ahead. I remember this guy. We charged him last year

for using the word space-time continuum too many times in a conversation. Alright, there you go. I'm glad you finally got that out of your system. I'm glad you really needed to get that one out of there, Joel. I saw you leaning towards your microphone. They don't let me carry here at the comedy store, and you're all lucky.

My God. Okay, we have an officer who's gone AWOL. He's flying off the handle right now. My goodness. Hothead cop. Wow. So you're into sad music. What else about you?

I don't know why that was the first thing that came to mind. I know. Very bizarre answer. Very strange. I know. I like film. I like video games, you know, stuff like that. Uh-huh.

I like comedy a lot. Right. You're just naming genres of things. Very interesting. Who doesn't like those things? It's your renaissance, man. You want to name something specific within those genres that I'm into? Yeah.

Okay, gotcha. Really, anything of any? Some of my favorite comics are Rory Scovel, Pete Holmes. I like Marc Maron. Wow, look at you. My goodness, you're a real. Peter Chin. Who?

Oh, Jesus. I'm not sure. I don't know who Peter Chin is. I don't know Peter Chin. No. My God. Your dating profile photos, what are they? Dating profile photos?

My first one is me sitting down with two cats. With a hat on? Heck, yeah. Like, literally, that's literally what it is. The second one is me on stage doing stand-up, and then I don't remember what the rest of them are, honestly. What's dating life like for you? What is that?

I mean, it's not going great right now, if I'm being completely honest. Really? But I don't really give a shit as much as I used to. You know, like the last person I dated was, I don't know,

it was a good eight months ago to be honest. Like that's, yeah. Where'd you bury the body? Was that from a dating app? She's very close to me.

We're very close friends. We still talk a lot, you know. You have a friend zone. Are you dating one of your cats? I'm not, no. So she put you in a friend zone you you dating one of your cats? I'm not. So she put you in a friend zone?

You guys don't hang out anymore? I mean, I guess, but we legitimately dated for like five months, so it's not like, you know, we fucked. You fucked. Is that what you're going to do? I don't know. Did you tell her you loved her in those five months? Sorry, what was that?

Did you tell her you loved her in those five months? Ah, no. Okay, all right. Down kitty, down kitty. Did you tell her that you loved her in those five months? That's a yes. The pause is a yes. You know what's funny?

I don't think I told her, like, directly, and it's like we were kind of, like, hovering around it, and she didn't want to say it, and I didn't want to say it. It was weird. That's why it ended. Yeah, it's fine. You don't want to love anybody. You don't want to love anything.

When's the last time you... Totally. No, I understand. I had like a long five-year relationship, and it was like, that was like, you know, it's painful when it's over, obviously. How did that end? How did the five-year relationship end? How did it end?

She broke it off with me. First, she broke it off with me at four years, and then she wanted to get back with me. And then a year later, it was over again. So I don't know. She just, love just kind of fizzled out. That's all it really was. We were pretty close for a long time. And then over time, she just got fucking tired of me, I guess.

She met Bubba. Bubba, yeah, sure. It's a good replacement for me, for sure. Bubba, yeah. Oh, my God. I love it. So, Andrew, that's very fun Well welcome thanks for performing on this show tonight

Andrew Mercado everybody Andrew Mercado Wow two dollar bill A button and What CD did you get Oh Joey McIntyre Wow sexy Very exciting Some good old sad music for you to listen to Oh, Joey McIntyre. Wow. Sexy.

Very exciting. That's very sexy. That's some good old sad music for you to listen to. It's good sex music. All right. I feel like that guy actually owns a CD player still, so that's exciting. Pulled another name out. Make some noise for your next comedian, Dan Veer. Dan Veer.

Dan Veer. Here he comes. Takes a while for these people to get out of these seats sometimes. I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. I wish that you would step back from that ledge, my friend.

Here comes Dan, everybody. He's a big boy. Come on, one more time for Dan Veer, everybody. So I think America's pretty politically divided right now. And I think what better way to unite America than just create a new TV show from the makers of C-SPAN and MTV?

Just real world, presidential edition. Can you imagine just like Trump's trashing the place, Obama's trying to clean it up? Because when no one else cares, Obama cares. I believe. Easier dishes. Fake news. I don't know whose dishes those are. Never seen them before.

Probably made in China. They probably were. They're gold plated and have your name on them. Listen, I don't do chores I do whores Bill just pops his head in like hashtag me too like him and Clinton or Bush and Clinton

are just on the porch like smoking weed painting they don't give a fuck anymore Bush is like I like painting some of my favorite painters are like Pueblo Picasso Down to Cello Michael Andy U Clinton's over there like favorite painters are like Pueblo Picasso, Donatello, Michael Landiou. Clinton's over there like, I'm a bit of a Jackson Pollock

myself. There you go, Dan Beer, everybody. Hell yeah, big boy. Look at you. What are you, 6'3", 6'4"? 6'5". 6'5". My goodness. And you are, you're famous on this show for doing impressions of more obscure

people, but tonight you came out guns a blazing, three of the most famous people and it worked out just lukewarm for you. That's, you know, that's that's like right in the alley that I go for as long as I didn't get eaten alive. I know, we've always had this with you, we found this out

you've been on this show, what, two other times? And both times we've noticed that your impressions of famous people don't go as well as the obscure ones. Have you learned any new obscure impressions since the last time? Yeah, so I've been really working on my Rodney Dangerfield. Okay, that's not that obscure, but sure, go ahead.

I don't know, he just kind of reminds me of him tonight. Go ahead, let's give us some Rodney. I did this for my family. We needed to know that. Go ahead. Let's give us some. I did this for my for my family. We needed to know that. Go ahead. All right. So my dad's name is Richard, but no one ever calls him thick because once I hear him talk, it's implied. OK. How about any other ones? Any other any other obscure? Growing up was tough. I never got anything new from my family other than reasons to cry. My dad always said, if, if you want something to cry

about, I'll give you something to cry about. So he hands me a mirror. Alright. Now, I'm asking you if there's any other impressions other than Rodney Dangerfield that you know how to do. Do you have six more Rodney Dangerfield jokes? No, he's kidding. He's kidding. That's right. I had to try to do

a flappers like three minute thing. Isn't that what you meant, Tony? You just want him to keep doing? No, it's kidding. I tried to do a flapper's like three minute thing. Isn't that what you meant, Tony? You just want him to keep doing it? No, no, no. No, it's not what I meant. No, I've never seen Rodney Dangerfield jokes not work before in my life until Dan Deere started to do them. Is there anyone other than Rodney Dangerfield that you've learned recently? I'm trying to think.

So I'm a big fan of Grandma's Boy and Peter Dante is in that movie and he's hilarious. So I got a pretty good Peter Dante. I'm excited about this because I don't even know who this is and you're so good at really obscure references so let's find out if I can figure out who it is. Okay, you did it for your family. Go ahead.

It's like, where do you get your weed? From you, Dante. It's like, holy shit, that's right? It's like, from you, Dante. It's like, holy shit, that's right. What's up, Mr. Chasel? Look at that. Look at that. That's actually really good. I still don't know who it is, but the crowd loved it.

Applause all the way around. You see what I'm saying here? I've said this to you every time you've been on this stage. You should be the obscure impressions guy. Everyone does Obama and Trump. Lieutenant Stroganoff famously does every impression better than you.

We did the Jeremiah does it better the first time I was here. We didn't do it the second time. You don't want to go another round. I'll go another round. Lieutenant Stroganoff, how are you feeling tonight? Not worth my time. It's true. Whatever you'd like.

Whatever you want to do, I'm up for it. I love it. I love it. Well, I mean, I don't know. I feel like, Dan, you're sort of out of impressions, right? No one else? Oh, no. I got a list of probably eight.

Really? Who else? Who else do you got? Let me check. Ones that you haven't done before on this show. I even have obscure. I have them split up. I even have obscure. I have them split up, obscure and not obscure.

That's great. There should be one list that you do on stage and one that you never do again. You told me the first time. I know. You should have listened to the person that works in the business for a living. I can't find it. No, you're going to find it. Do an impression of a guy that can find your obscure list. I mean, here for a living. I can't find it. No, you're going to find it.

Do an impression of a guy that can find your obscure list. I mean, boom, I mean, here's a guy. I mean, he's looking through his phone right now. I mean, he can't find the thing that he's looking for. I mean, I'm John Madden. Oh, hey, that's pretty bad. Hey, I actually, so I sent that to Frank Caliendo. I'm John Madden.

Like, what? No, you're not. You sent that to Frank Caliendo. I'm John Madden. Like, what? No, you're not. You sent that to Frank Caliendo? I sent that to Frank Caliendo on Twitter, and he liked it so much that he gave me a free Madden video game. He sent me the code for the video game. He thought you were retarded, bro. That's what that was.

Was it Madden 93? It's like a dollar. So, I mean, Christmas season just came, so I can do Jimmy Stewart pretty well. Oh, okay. Let's hear it. Let's hear it. Oh, hey, everyone. This is a pretty good crowd, you know.

Haven't seen a crowd like this in a while. Remember when people used to talk like this? I mean, Mary, what do you want, Mary? I'm going to kick the dust of this crummy old town off my feet. I'm going to see the world. I could do a town off my feet. I'm going to see the world. I could do a better one than that. Oh, wow. Look at this.

Red Band. That was George Bush. Look at that. That was George Palin. Red Band, do a better one. Do a better one. You had wings. I'm a person of crime.

There you go. There it is. There's better. Do you do it? The crowd goes wild. Any other obscure ones? You just did George Bush. There you go.

You did George Bush, Brian. Let's see what Dan Veer has. I did John C. Reilly. Oh, okay. Here we go. You sort of look like him. Go ahead. So I have a bit about John C. Reilly chasing me in my dream.

And that would be terrible because he'd be chasing me around because he thought I touched his drum set. Like, I know you touched it, you fucker. It's the one rule of the house. And you broke it. It's just like rule of the house. You broke it. It's just like cool case files. It's just like cool case files. Okay.

Lieutenant Stroke and us. I think if you rebrand that impression, a Christopher Walken baby meets John C. Reilly, I think that people will love it. So do the setup. This is Christopher Walken and John C. Reilly had a baby and do that same voice. Go. Johnny, I'm so happy to have this child with you. Oh man, I've been so excited to have this baby.

Such a great time. There you go. Almost the same person. Absolutely. Is there anyone else? Is there anyone else, Dan Bear? Dr. Steve Brewer. Let's see. Red Band keeps trying to shoehorn his own impressions.

Two voices I know how to do. Do one you know. So some of the ones I know, I know like I've done all the ones that I'm comfortable with like the Walken, Schwarzenegger, Bush, all those. Oh, you should not be comfortable with those. Do you know like Chris

Collinsworth? Yeah, this is going to be good. Go ahead. I mean, if you just look at Tony Romo and watch the way this guy throws the football. I mean, I'm going to slide in every night and just tell you guys a bunch of facts that you don't really need to know. That's absolute dog shit. Incredible. No, I'm kidding.

No, I actually like that one you should do that and send that to Chris Collinsworth and see what video game he sends you alright there he goes Dan Veer everybody obscure impressions I like it I'm telling you and I'm telling you this for the third

time only obscure fuck those other people. What CD did you get? The best of Roy Rogers, everybody. This is great. I just love this CD part of this. This is unbelievable.

I want to give back this year. I've always been a taker. Any other? Do you have 2020 resolutions that you're working on? Yeah, I'm going to try not to masturbate in the parking lot of Ralph's. Oh, why is that? Scaring the kids. Holtzman is dressed like if Santa Claus went to the Coke dealer.

Want some of that snow, snow, snow. Anyway, we have regulars on this show ladies and gentlemen every single week they write and perform a brand new minutes one of the most prestigious positions that you can have in basically all the comedy nowadays if you're starting out or on any level whatsoever before becoming you know basically a paid regular here or an employee here a lot of the greats nowadays come through this incredible system of getting notes, having to write and perform a brand new minute

every single week. They get a fan base. They get agents and managers. It's a really big deal to be a regular on this show. I believe this guy holds one of the records for being the longest standing regular ever in the history of this show. Very unorthodox style. A lot of people love him. A lot of people hate him.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for one of my favorites. It's William Montgomery. Here he is. Here he is. Live. In the flesh. The one. The only. The big red machine. William Montgomery. Let's give it up

for Jimmy Buffett, Atlanta. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know where I'm going to go when the volcano blows. It's funny how we can assassinate an Iranian general but we can't find out where Carmen Sandiego is I think she's Filipino I'm a big fan of the Power Rangers, only when they don't have their costumes on.

What are those people, Filipino? They look Asian, but they have Hispanic names. I don't get it. I've been going to a bunch of gay bars recently. I'm looking for my father. been going to a bunch of gay bars recently. I'm looking for my father. Wow. William Montgomery showing

the difference. Yeah. Crowd goes wild. And you know, that's not easy to do. A new minute every week. Can I let y'all in on a little secret? Oh, yes. It's not about to be a secret anymore there is a product on our market called bubble gum it's something you chew

you can blow bubbles i was with my cousin taylor two years ago he gave me a piece and i was like taylor what is this stuff i'm hungry what do i keep chewing it i don't get it he was like william put your tongue in it try and blow a bubble i did it got all over my face wow that is impressive who the fuck threw that wait what happened what did they throw oh someone's throwing gum at you oh wow look at that do you know let's give it up for robert martinez he looks asian but he's filipino i guess william did you just find out this week of what filipino people are i did i've been working still at the storage unit place i'm gonna got a 10 by 20 that's a high working still at the storage unit place. I'm going to get a 10 by 20. That's a high price item at the storage unit place. They burned me, if you want to call it that.

Yeah. How did they do that? Got the dollar special, moved out in five days. I put my name on the line. My boss said, William, why are you allowing this to happen? Why? Why? Why you allowing this to happen? Why? Why? Why did you let it happen? I was.

Redband, I think that's a fun song. Do you actually want to put on? No, it's okay. We don't. You don't need to take requests right now. It's okay. Jimmy Buffett's Volcano. Why would he do that?

What would happen if he played that song exactly? What do you think would happen? Redband, can you put on Volcano by Jimmy Buffett's Volcano. Why would he do that? What would happen if he played that song exactly? What do you think would happen? Red Band, can you put on Volcano by Jimmy Buffett? Is there something that you have planned for this? There is. Okay, here he goes. Oh, he's bouncing around a little bit. Uh-oh, what's he gonna do?

He's looking at the audience. Perhaps planning some of those famous winks that he gives out or something. Nope, not much. Just stalling for time. Really? My guess is he has less than nothing planned for this. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

I don't know. Oh, he's singing. I don't know. Oh, he's singing. I don't know where I'm going to go when the volcano blows. Wow. I don't know. Oh, my goodness.

I don't know. Someone did karaoke with Filipino people this weekend. I don't know where I'm going to go when the volcano blows. All right. Okie dokie. William, always fun. Is there anything else we need to know about you before we let you go? Look at my arm, Tony.

Yeah, you got blood work taken, I know. I got blood work taken today by an Armenian lady. Oh, wow. I don't trust them. They look Hispanic, but they speak in an Eastern European dialect. I don't know if you've seen Speed 2. Very similar to the bad guys in Speed. Tony, here's my point.

Yeah. Truly. Yeah. Heart to heart in Holtzman. Me and you, you've been a crusader. You've been just a guy behind my back. Three years ago, I got me too'd. They found out I was kissing bitches in the Chili's parking lot. I had sex with a couple of girls who were passed out.

I don't give a shit anymore. Wait, what? Wait a second. What'd you say? What do you mean you had sex with people that were passed out? There was some Filipino bitch. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness.

William Montgomery. I opened up her butthole. I put my penis inside of it. My God. I was chewing bubble gum. My cousin Taylor. I see what's going on here. You're just going through all.

My cousin Taylor was present. He had a taser gun. He tasered me. I didn't give a shit. I was living on the edge at that time there you go literally and figuratively i was climbing mountains absolutely i'll pay for the next date hey look at that i think brian i think holtzman just offered to buy you a prostitute how do you feel william y'all don't repeat this i just pray to God she's African-American I oh why is that

why is that why do you pray that she's African-American I grew up in Memphis loving three six mafia there was an artist female artist named LeChat who I was really into. I was watching her videos with my other cousin, Andrew. We were all on the internet. We were all on, you name it, we were on it. We were on Poplar Avenue. We were in our... All right. Okay, William.

William? William, are you okay? Tony, I'm just so worried about on the 16th my doctor's appointment for my blood test. I know, and you're not allowed to cancel it either. You're not allowed to cancel it, and you have to go through with it. If you don't go through with it, we're not having you back on the show until you get a physical. Tony, don't repeat this, Tony. William, you don't repeat this. I've been

texting with your father about your health. You're the only person I've ever seen gain five pounds every week. So I think there's something wrong with you. And so does your father. And so does actually everybody close to you. How many of you are concerned about William's

health? Come on, people. make some fucking noise. Do you all think I can reverse it? Yes, yes, you can. And how do some of the other comedians feel that that got a better response into your set tonight? Hey, Jeremiah, can you say that a tad bit slower, please? I have something called...

Lupus? What is that thing called where you get dizzy? Diverticulitis. Diverticulitis. Lupus. Hold on a minute. Get my back on this one. What is that thing called where you have an inner ear problem?

Tendinitis. Vertigo. Vertigo. I've had vertigo for... Columbia. Columbia. What is that? Columbia.

Columbia. All right, there he goes. William Montgomery, everybody. On to the next one we go. Another fun appearance by William Montgomery. There he is. Jim Neighbors CD.

Look at that. Very exciting. Oh, he's just hugging a stranger on his way out. Very good. We have another regular on this show, ladies and gentlemen. He is a roast guru. He notoriously makes fun of everyone every time he comes on the show. He is an unbelievable joke writer.

Probably one of the most, I mean, he's just unbelievable. You guys know him. You love him. Make some noise for our other regular, the one and only David Lucas, everybody. Here he is. Here he comes, David Lucas. Here he is, live in the flesh. Hell yeah.

Yeah. My baby mama is a result of taking one for the team. You know how it is when you go out with your homeboys, the fat nigga always get the ugly bitch. I'm like, man, I'm cuter than all y'all niggas. She was a big girl, so we had sex raw dog, because I'm like, she fat. Ain't no way she got AIDS.

big girl, so we had sex raw dog, because I'm like, she fat. Ain't no way she got AIDS. It's impossible. You can't have an STD and be 280, right? You can't. We had sex, and I bought her chicken wings out the world. In the club bathroom. Then she found me six months later on Facebook like,

I'm pregnant. I'm like, bitch, impossible. I fucked you in a club bathroom. You can't get pregnant having sex in a club bathroom. That ain't my baby. That's a snowman's baby. It sucks though because when you got a baby mama that's. Go ahead, you can finish if you wanna finish.

Nah, go ahead, that's it. There you go, David Lucas everybody, finishing. Getting out there, that's... Go ahead. You can finish if you want to finish. There you go. David Lucas, everybody. Finishing. Getting out there. Talking about his real life. Talking about his baby mama. Hell yeah. Y'all got the great Holtzman on here. Yeah. Yeah. Jacket looking like a bottle of Tapatio.

I don't know what that is, but it's good, right? You should, though. I love it. Heck yeah. You're making fun of him. Meanwhile, you look like an airplane for Spirit Airlines right now. The old fucking Yellow Wing Jenkins over here. Look at this fucking guy.

What'd you call me? Yellow Wing Jenkins. That's the niggerest shit you ever said. I don't know what that is. That's like a shirt that really shows everybody how big your arms are. That's what I say. It's like thinning in the middle and then fattening on the sides. It's incredible.

It's like a fucking. Jesus. I don't know what. It's like a sandwich. You give instructions on the airplane out your ass. Wait, what? You put the microphone to your ass and be like, everybody buckle your seatbelts.

What the fuck? Why would my ass say that? That's hilarious. You can make your booty cheeks talk. My goodness. Wow. Look at that. That's my favorite David Lucas joke yet.

You can make your booty cheeks talk. Makes sense, barely. I love it. So, David, how's life been this week? Shit, everything good, bro. I can't complain. Yeah. I saw Holtzman a few days ago up in here cussing everybody out.

Amazing, right? Hell yeah. He stopped me in my tracks. I needed to get out of here, and I got stuck here. My favorite set was when you went up with Jerry Seinfeld. You remember that night? Who are these people? Who are these people?

I don't know, Jerry! Are you going to tell us a fucking joke? Who are these people? I don't know, Jerry! That one? Yeah, bro. Is that what it was like? There we go.

All right. Is that what it was like? He went up and made fun of Seinfeld after? Yeah, he was like, why the fuck do you want to see me? You already saw Seinfeld, motherfucker. Yeah, that shit was funny. The night when he came in, yeah. That's what I'm saying.

You on your meds or what? Yeah. I love it. This is like talking to my granddaddy. Repeat that again, sonny. I love it. So, David Lucas, you've been doing stand-up. Any other big breakthroughs? Anything happening?

Shit, same shit. I'm in Atlanta end of the month. Skank Fest Southwest. Oh, yeah. You're going to Atlanta at the end of the month. How long are you going to miss any Kill Tonys? Nah, nigga. I'll be back. That's right. Yeah. I get back at 11 in the morning. I hope you pick me up from the airport, motherfucker.

I'll send an Uber. Yeah. I'll send two. I'll send an Uber Black and an Uber XL because you're both of those things. That was good. All right.

Totally the only nigga that get Uber on a horseback. That's actually true. Be like, giddy up. I actually do. I ride a horse and I say giddy up, but I say it with my booty cheeks. Booty cheek. I love it.

Yeah. Well, David Lucas. What's your shirt say? What does it say? Oh, represent West Hollywood. Okay. Yeah. I think you've done that one before.

What does yours say? Polo, nigga. It's the black man Gucci right here. Is it? Yeah. Polo, nigga. Every black person got polo. Wow. Black man Gucci right here. Is it? Yeah, polo. Every black person got polo. Wow.

Black man Gucci. My goodness. What kind of polo? I know it's not water polo that you play. Oh, God. I know it's not Marco polo. What do you play? Because everybody knows where you're at.

We can feel your body heat beaming from across the room. He's lost a lot of weight since the other day. You look spicy. I love it. So Polo's the black man's Gucci. Is that true? Hell yeah. Where are the black people at?

Where are the black people at? There's the Apollo 13 over here. Is that true? Is Polo the black man's Gucci? We have a race right in progress. Black people know Polo is the black man's Gucci. Wow. The only time I ever see a black person near that is when a white cop is saying, Polover.

Hilarious. That's a reach. No, no, no. That was good. I like it. Fuck it. I like it. I like you, David Lucas, every single week with a brand new minute that actually applies

to your life. I ain't got no CD player, but I'll take it. What do you got there? What is that? Count Basie. Count Basie and the orchestra. Wow. Heck yeah.

Now you have something to count other than calories. Let me get a pin. Let me get a pin. He wants a pin. Absolutely. This way, he's got a Brian Holtzman pin. This way, he can check his blood sugar with the pin. I got nothing for Tony tonight. God damn. It check his blood sugar with the pin. I got nothing for

Tony tonight. God damn. It's off night. I love it. I love it. Well, you're the best, David Lucas. You've had enough on nights. There he goes. David Lucas, everybody. Hey. Every breath you take. What do you guys think?

Back to the bucket, huh? I love it. Back to the bucket, huh? I love it. Back to the bucket we go. Where it stops. Who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying? Jesus. All right.

This looks like a fun one. Put your hands together for you, Chaw, me, everybody. You, Chaw, me. Uh-oh. She's very excited right in the front. She cannot believe it. Here she is. Come on.

Come on. Good and loud for you, Chobby, everybody. It's her first time on the show. Can anybody punch me right now? Because I...

Thank you. Okay, thank you. Any single here? I mean single. Single. Have you guys ever been to any single party? Have you guys ever been to any buffet? Don't you think they're the same?

They're exactly the same, right? You go to a buffet You pay an entrance And if you've been told Or you can eat You go to a single party You pay an entrance And you've been told, or you can eat, you go to a single party, you pay an entrance, and you've been told, or you can eat. I really love the single party idea because that makes life easy and simple and very to

the point. People go to the single party either looking for love or looking for love. for love or looking for love. Girls, if you go to the single party, I'm gonna give you a very good tips. You are welcome. Keep going, forever and ever. Forever, okay. I have 10 hours tips for you.

First, please bring a cup of water or any way like alcohol. It doesn't matter. Why? Because during the two-hour single party, you are going to be the queen of the party. It doesn't matter you look pretty or ugly or whatever because you're going to get so busy. First, one guy walk to you, talk to you, and then two more, three more, four more, five more, six more, all walk to you. And they ask you a question at the same time. You got super busy.

Yes. Yes, I'm from China. No. Okay, okay, okay. You shot me. Okay. Oh, no. I have nine hours left.

Oh, shit. You go a long time. Thank have nine hours left. Oh, shit. You go long time. Thank you. My goodness. Brian's ready to offer you the ice house, though. I'll say that. Me sucky sucky. All right. Very good. There you go. Way to really ease into it, Red Band.

Red Band. There you go. I love it. You, Chami, this is your first time on Killed Time, correct? Oh, okay. There you go. I love it. You, Chami, this is your first time on Kill Time, correct? Yellow band. Oh, okay. There you go. Very good. Perfect timing.

It's my first time, and also this is my fifth time for the stand-up comedy. Fifth time doing stand-up comedy ever. Yes. Hell yeah. I love it. Heck yeah. I'm sorry. Can I have the napkin?

Oh, she wants a napkin. Sorry, because I... She's going to use it as one of those flu masks or something that they wear. Thank you. Oh, Jesus. Wow. She's just going to cover her face when she laughs. He's going to add it to his collection.

He has his collection. There you go. Absolutely. You chomped me straight into the pocket of Brian Holton. I feel like I'm still in the dream. I still need somebody to punch me. Sorry. Can I punch you?

No, don't punch him. Don't punch. Don't, don't, don't. No, no, don't, don't. You chomped me. Sorry, can I punch you? No, don't punch him. Don't punch. Don't, don't, don't. No, no, don't, don't. You chomp me. Just relax a little bit. Just let things happen to you. No, Brian, I think we have a live Me Too happening on this stage.

That's her name, Me Too? Yeah, that's her cousin's name. There you go. Very good. There you go. I'll just wait for that fucking sound effect to be over. There you go. Okie dokie alright very good

wow that's the sound of Red Band coming in his pants ladies and gentlemen Utah Me first time ever on Kill Tony very exciting stuff I loved you in the movie Parasite you were fantastic congratulations on your big golden globe

best foreign film which film? be Parasite. You were fantastic. Congratulations on your big Golden Globe Best Foreign Film. Which film? Ha ha ha. Very good. So how long have you been in America? Four years. Four years. And you are from China? Oh yeah. You're from China. What part of China? Southern China.

Southern China. Is that the part that's protesting right now? I don't know. I don't care don't know i don't care about the political you don't care about what political political yeah okay very good does anybody else i only watch kill tony yeah is that true yeah oh okay do you know the very first time i was here i do not know it's just like a you call the name so I was so excited people say you're funny go kill Tony

you're gonna get famous I was like okay I took a picture I was sitting there and asked another the comedian how long this show gonna be they said oh

until 2 a.m. I said oh that's so exciting and I took selfie and I said hello I mean kill Tony

please support me and I do not know you just do the lottery. How long were you here till? 2 a.m.? Yeah, still waiting for the show until 2 a.m. Then I'm gone. It was 2 a.m. I've never heard of a Chinese girl taking a selfie before.

It's incredible. I'm not down. You're what? I'm not down. Because I said, I'm not down. You're what? I'm not down because I said I'm going to hit this show and then and then

when I go back to home I got hit by the car. You got hit by a car? Oh my God. Yeah, I'm sure you didn't cause that accident at all.

Very easy. Go on red stop on green. What kind of car do you have? What kind of Toyota do you have? It's a vintage car. It's a Beetle. It's a Beetle.

It's a Tiffany Blue one. Tiffany Blue. Very good. I love it. I think I've met her before. Very exciting. I like your host. You like my host? The style, yeah. Very exciting. I like your host. You like my host?

The style, yeah. Thank you. You're very quick. Yes, indeed. Absolutely. I don't know. I just know you're quick. Yes, absolutely.

Yes, indeed. Can you say it one more time for me? No, I'm kidding. So what do you do for work here? I'm a student right now Yeah, what are you studying? Theater arts Theater arts at UCLA?

In Pasadena City College Pasadena State College? City College Pasadena City College? What's going on over here? It's so busy Brian Holtzman Do you want to get some drink?

Yes, thank you Relax Oh my goodness I know I make you feel nervous. You do. Do you have a boyfriend, Yu Cha? Is that your name, Yu Cha? Am I saying that right?

Yes. Okay. Do you know Yu Cha meaning in Chinese? No. Superman of the universe. Wow. That's a lot of words. That's a...

For Yu Cha... For Utah. For a girl. Yes. Joel Berg, you just want to say it? Salt Lake City, Utah? I knew it. I can always tell. What is that?

It's a fun fact. I want you all to pay attention to it. Maybe not this episode, but maybe in the future. Anytime you see Joel holding onto the mic, lingering on it for more than like nine seconds, that means he has something that's not funny that he's about to say, but he's going to say it anyway, no matter what, because he's already held onto the mic for so long that he's going to get it out. He cannot help himself.

And by the way, I fucking, I'm not kidding. I knew you were going to say Salt Lake City, Utah. I fucking knew it because it went through my brain and I'm like, not good enough to say. And then I see him in my peripheral vision and I say, let me pick my moment here. I thought it was great, Tony.

That's why the fuck I'm up here. Goodbye. You're goddamn right. We love you, Joel. We love you. Whether you're hot or ice cold, we love you. Are you going to call me back? What? I'll call you back. Oh, there you go. Have you ever been with an American man before? Yeah, I did. You ever been with a human waterbed?

You ever been with a... That means you have a crush on me? Uh-uh. Yeah, he will crush you. Yes. Absolutely. Nah. No.

You got kimchi? Oh, wow. What a good question. I. You like kimchi? Oh, wow. What a good question. I make a good kimchi. Yeah, he eats vegetables all the time, which you could tell by his everything. You had a Korean girlfriend before. Yeah, she's still...

I mean, I don't know where she is. Wow. You like Koreans? You get along with them? I'm good. I like Korean food. Oh, you do? Yeah, how about the people?

You like to eat shit, isn't it? What's your favorite kind of food? Now that you've made it to America, what's your favorite? My favorite? Still Chinese food. Oh, wow. What's the version of Asian that you hate the most? Like if you were to take one Asian out of the water, what would it be? To the water? Least favorite type of one Asian out of the water, what would it be? To the water?

Least favorite type of Asian is what he's asking you. I barely understand them and I speak perfect English. They're fish creatures. I thought she would understand. There you go. Fish creatures, everyone. For those of you that didn't hear it the first time, fish creatures. I never heard about that. You don't have a least favorite type of Asian? Yeah, you do. No. I do. I got about three.

I love it. So, you, Cha, are you going to stay here after your studies in Pasadena? If you want me to become, like, you know, the guest here. The what? Or you want to be the co-host or, like, something. Co-host? Oh, my God. Yeah, that's what we need.

We're really missing out on someone that barely understands the American language. Can you say world? World. Wow, that's very good, actually. That's very impressive. That's impressive. Better than some. That's exciting stuff.

What's something interesting about you that we should all know? Like a fun fact about you, Cha. Like you ever have any accomplishments or special skills or talents or anything like that? You good at like yo-yoing or something like that? Yo-yo? Like host a show? You host a show? What do you

host? Well, a lot like event host. What? Event host. Oh, okay. But funeral. Funeral? Yeah. You're a funeral host. What? Event host. Oh, okay. But funeral. Funeral. Yeah. You're a funeral host. But funeral.

I know how to throw a party, but only funerals. No funeral. No funeral. Oh, no. I also like the contest, like a competition. You do this here in America? China. Sometimes in America, but it's only for Chinese. But that's like a job, right?

You get paid for that. No. I can't work here. Oh. Yeah. You can work here. I cannot work here. Oh, yes, you can. What do you like to do for fun? Do you go to parties or anything like that? You talked about being single, going to single parties.

Go hiking, traveling,, going to single parties. Go hiking, traveling, or go to the beach. Oh my goodness. Wow. Come on, she's Asian. Come on. Hey, wait a second. What was that? It's Don Barris.

Don Barris, why don't you come on up here. Say hi to these people, Don. Heck yeah. Don Barris, live don't you come on up here? Say hi to these people, Don. Heck yeah. Don Barris, live on Barriscope. What's going on, Don? Can we get to take the microphone? I really had fun watching this. Congratulations to you.

You are wonderful, but you understand why I have to leave. Because this piece of shit over here, all he does is put people acting like she sucks cock. You fucking asshole. Wow, the rivals of late night. The king of the OR, the king of the main room. over here. All he does is put people acting like she sucks cock. You fucking asshole. Wow. The rivals of late night. The king of the OR. The king of the main room. That's not what I was saying.

Oh my goodness. There he goes. So she goes to school in Pasadena. That just happens to be where the ice house is. Brian you host a show there bi-weekly. What do you think? What's going to happen here? Are you going to invite her

so that I can make my from the Rice House to the Ice House joke? Because if you don't, I will. Lord knows. Actually, you know. Someone doesn't want to get in trouble with little Korea over there, huh? I just got a text.

She's really upset. She told me she's going to slap that big Chinese face right off of her if I do that. Luckily, she's short. I don't think she can reach your Chinese stature. Okie dokie. One more time for Yu Cha, everybody. There she goes. Her first time on Kill Tony.

All right. Very exciting stuff going on here. Yeah, she's so cute, so beautiful, so sensual. Normally that would be right around where we end the episode, but what do you guys say we do something special here tonight? You guys like special things? So beautiful, so sensual. Normally that would be right around where we end the episode, but what do you guys say we do something special here tonight, huh? Yeah. You guys like special things? This is great.

Can you help me with that microphone? For the last few times the past few weeks, we found a young man who got pulled out of the bucket who's absolutely blown our minds. He absolutely crushes every time he's been near or on this stage in any way, shape, or form. We love him. We fell in love with him here on this show,

and he's going to perform another brand-new minute. And, ladies and gentlemen, he's taken Keltoni over by storm, and he's here for you once again. He came down with Lou Gehrig's disease a few years ago. He's been doing stand-up for only a few months. He's an improv, former Chicago improv player turned stand-up comedian that we find hysterical. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you once again

Michael Lehrer, everybody. Here he is. Wow. Here he is, live in the flesh. Come on, people, make some noise for Michael Lair, everybody. Set it off! Man, I'm a traveling comedian now. I love flying.

Airports are like yoga pants conventions. It's a butt lover's paradise. Every lady looks like Spider-Woman from the waist down. I never leave home without my nurse slash girlfriend. I'm real lucky because my disease causes me to cough and choke a lot. So holy moly do I come my brains out. I even let guys go down on me now. Mostly Uber drivers, some Lyft. But you know what? Half the reason I'm in a wheelchair is because my dick's so heavy. So happy. Michael Lair, ladies and gentlemen. A force of nature.

Absolutely, Michael. Are you stuck like that? No doubt. It's so good to have you back on the show. One more time for Michael Lehrer, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. No doubt, no doubt. No doubt, no doubt.

One of his many catchphrases. The people absolutely love you, Michael. How's life been going for you? Fantastic. My son just moved here to live with me. He's 21 years old. I wasn't then when he was born or for the first 21 years. But now I'm going to make it up to him for the next three months.

There he is. How about you stand up, take a bow. The great Colin Lehrer, I do believe his name is right there. 21 years old. Tony's going to go from Paul Lehrer to Paul Bear. All right. There you go. Tony.

Yes, Michael Lehrer. Tony, his last name isn't Lair. Oh, really? Yeah, Wicked Burn, dude. It's Heaton. I wasn't there when he was born. He doesn't have my last name. Well, you know what? At least karma hasn't come back around in any way to punish you for that.

Agree. Agree. Agree. Agree. You know what? That's real mean. And I'm already in a bad mood because of my nurse-like girlfriend. Oh, yeah?

What'd she do this week? We're fighting again. She doesn't think the nicknames I have for her are affectionate. Oh, yeah? What are the nicknames? Mind-cunter. Mind-cunter. Mind-cunter?

Yeah, cause she's always trying to guess what I'm fucking thinking. Or smell viral. Cause I can't get blunted without her opening her fucking mouth. You can't get blunted

without her opening her mouth? Yeah, because she's always sniffing around. I can't relax here. She don't like that blunt smoke. Wow. That is incredible. Joelberg, what do you got there?

I mean, I... You already set me up for this. This isn't a joke, but a real question. We know it's not a joke. You said she won't give you the ass. I'm just wondering why not. It's like she should just give it up at this point. You don't have so much to live.

Oh, no. It's not because should just give it up at this point. You know, you don't have so much to live. It's like, oh, no, it's not because of her ass. It's because of my gigantic cock. I feel you. No. Yeah. Jesus, Joel. Way to go for a high five. Never mind.

Don't high five the handicapped guy. Don't high five the handicapped guy. Yes. My God, Joel. I've been saying that in my head all night, and I still did it. I do. My hands move slower. Let's go from one.

Uh-oh. Hey, look at that. You almost knocked me down. down. So, you know, I mean, it's absolutely, I think it's, to everybody, incredibly intriguing, your story

and your style, the fact that you come on every week just starting stand-up comedy, and you've figured out a way to take all of those years of Chicago improv training and turn it into a vessel for your stand-up comedy. And it's not easy to do.

In fact, most people that have an improv background come up here, try to do stand-up comedy, and they seem like they have Lou Gehrig's disease. Meanwhile, you have all of this experience and Lou Gehrig's, and you channel it to, it seems like you're on an absolute fucking mission to destroy uh and so I'm the most dangerous man in America I absolutely love it and I've been bringing you back I've been inviting you here uh the last three weeks in a row and uh I just figured why the hell shouldn't we make history here tonight and announce you as the first ever third regular in the history of Kill Tony?

Wow. Look at that. Confetti, ladies and gentlemen. Dreams coming true. So, Michael, what do you think? New minute every single week? You going to join us every week until the fucking, until the old big goodbye?

First off, I'm going to plateau, and I'm going to fucking drive this chair all the way to the bank. You're goddamn right. And will I be here every Monday? No fucking doubt, y'all. I love it. Well, there you go. Michael Lehrer, ladies and gentlemen, the newest regular on the show.

Michael, stay up here. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yes, Michael, why don't you stay there for... We're going to do one more special thing. You guys want to do one more special thing here tonight? I know what you're thinking. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, wait, I'm a big Keltoni fan.

That's unbelievable. They have three regulars now for the first time in the show's history. Actually, I think there was a moment where we had Kim Congdon, Sarah Weinshank, and Ali Makovsky, but who cares about that years ago? This is exciting. Now it's happening now with three destroyers of the universe. And you must be thinking, wait, why would I just heard the exit music for the show? What could possibly be more just as interesting, if not more interesting, than Michael Lair becoming a new regular? Well, my friends, I have a surprise for our friend Joel Jimenez that's here tonight. Joel, are you here? Well, it just so happens that Joel has a favorite band in the world, and that band is called Black Flag, everybody.

That's Joel's favorite band. And it just so happens that the drummer from Black Flag is here tonight. And it just so happens that the drummer from Black Flag is Mexican. So what do you guys say we have a Mexican drum off? Yeah. Hold on. Hold on. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the drummer of the band Black Flag,

Isaiah Gill, ladies and gentlemen. Here he comes. Hey. Wow, this is epic. The first ever Mexican in a Mexican drum off. The first ever professional drummer in a Mexican drum off. Get back there, Isaias. We're going to talk to you for just a second on that little side mic. Make yourself comfortable.

Isaias, welcome to the show. How are you feeling tonight? Are you having fun? I am, yeah. This is great. Are you excited to do a little drum solo. Make yourself comfortable. Isaias, welcome to the show. How are you feeling tonight? You having fun? I am, yeah. This is great. You excited to do a little drum solo for us? Sure. All right. You guys excited about this? Now let me remind you.

No, you stay. Let me remind you that if you win this, you are the new drummer every Monday for the band Kill Tony. You take Joel's job. You could basically do the exact same stuff that he does. You could just hold onto the mic for nine seconds and then say something not that interesting. But he also, wow, Jeremiah just has no idea what he's doing up here tonight.

You are just a little lost puppy up here. There's one camera there and one there. You don't want to block both of them. Just sit back here. Brian told me to move. Yes, so get out of the fucking way. Stand anywhere. Get back here.

Oh, my God. Wow. No wonder your bicycle got stolen. Here, take another step back. Take another step back. This part isn't about you, Jeremiah. All right. Okay. So you're just going to, you can play the drums 30 to 40 seconds or whatever, you know, play it as hard and as good as you can. Try to take his job from him. Does that sound cool with you? You're his favorite drummer of his favorite band.

Let's see what happens here. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Isaiah Skill. Here we go. Oh, shit. Wow! Ladies and gentlemen, he's getting put through the ringer tonight. This is exciting. I can't wait to see how he's going to compensate here after a rocky episode. I bring out his favorite drummer in the world

to possibly take his job from him. But I will tell you this, he's undefeated all time. He has said numerous times that he will die on this stage before ever losing a Mexican drum off. Let's see what happens. He's going up against his favorite drummer. I present to you undefeated all time, the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Wow. Oh my God. He's got a luchador mask. A Modelo! The purple dildo! He's got a new dildo. What is that? It's a new dildo! Oh my god!

What the fuck, man? Oh my god! He just deep-throated a dildo. He threw his can of Modelo. There's a luchador mask on the ground. He's bringing out the troops again. Jeremiah blocking every camera somehow. He's taking off the purple dildo.

He's got one dildo around his neck. He's wearing the gold singlet that we saw for the first time just two weeks ago. He's furious. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the reigning, defending, undefeated drummer of Kill Tony, Joel Byrne. Thank you. Oh shit. Oh, wait, what is he doing? What is he doing? What is he doing?

He's beating a drum. He's got one stick in his mouth. There's... Oh, shit. It's getting weird up here. He's moving microphones. He's in his bare feet. There's confetti everywhere.

He's beating the drum. It seems like he has... Oh, wait. Oh, my God. What is he doing? Oh, wait. Wait. Oh,. What is he doing? Oh, wait. Wait. Oh, Jesus fucking...

He wants the lights on. He wants all the lights on. Danny, lights. He wants all the lights. Let's see what happens here. Oh! Oh! The crowd goes wild.

Oh, my God. He overextended a backflip. That is mind-boggling. He literally did almost die up here defending his job. You think I'm fucking playing around in this bitch? Jeremiah, just lay down. I'm fucking ready to die. I almost did. I proved it to you.

Fuck the bullshit. That's what's up. Shout out to Modelo, homie. Wow. Unbelievable. All right. Well, let's see what happened here. Isaiah, take a step out here. How many of you have Isaiah's skill winning this competition? out here. How many of you have Isaiah Skill winning this competition? Wow. A lot of the comedians betraying Joel Berg. Stabbing their own kind in the back.

Incredible. How many of you have Joel Berg Joel Jimenez winning this? Wow. Wow. Tonight he beat his own favorite drummer. Ladies and gentlemen, and still the drummer of Kill Tony, it's Strollberg Joel Jimenez. Thank you so much, Isaiah Skill.

How about a hand for the great Isaiah Skill, everybody? Come on. Wow. What an episode. Mind-boggling. Look at this amazing drawing from the great Ryan J. Evelts, everyone. While you sat there doing nothing, he drew that. How loud can this place get for the one and only Brian Holtzman, everybody? Guys, we're going to help him get his bicycle after this. How about one more time, good and loud for Lieutenant Stroganoff. him get his bicycle after this. How about one more time, good and loud for Lieutenant Stroganoff.

You can catch Jeremiah Watkins headlining all around the country. Tahoe, Buffalo, Syracuse, Albany, all that in February. JeremiahWatkins.com, the Big Gay calendar still for sale. Who would have guessed that? And Jeremiah Wonders, I'm sure there's

a new episode out. Yeah, a new episode with Pete Holmes. He returns to Jeremiah Wonders. Check that out. The video drops on Wednesday. And I got a new merch store up at JeremiahWatkins.com, so check that out. JeremiahWatkins.com, the new merch store. Get yourself some merch. How about one more

time? Silent but deadly, Chroma Chris everybody, huh? Chroma, what do you think aboutoma Chris everybody, huh? Chroma, what do you think about tonight's episode, huh? All pros and no cons, Tony. There you go. That's a cop joke. How about one more time? He almost died

up here. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, huh? Come on. Man, I'm ugh. He's an official sponsored artist by Ludwig. You guys gotta change my name to fucking Joel, the giant killer, Joel Berg Jimenez. All right. There you go. I think I broke my foot, to be honest.

Why does it look like Joel has my nose and a leg lock? Because I do. Man, I mean, this is crazy. In a true Black Flag fashion, I had to rise above tonight. Thank you, guys. I love you guys. Wow. Powerful. Powerful, this is crazy. In true Black Flag fashion, I had to rise above tonight. Thank you, guys. I love you guys. Peace. Wow.

Powerful. Powerful, powerful, powerful. The fun train never ends. It just keeps going. San Antonio, Houston, Calgary, Vancouver, Swansea, La Jolla, Ventura, Boston, and Austin. Red Band? Hey, guys. Check out DeathSquad.tv.

We have Brian Holtzman's new podcast. That's right. And David Lucas and William Montgomery's new podcast. So check it out. DeathSquad.TV. We have Brian Holtzman's new podcast. That's right. And David Lucas and William Montgomery's new podcast. So check it out, DeathSquad.TV. That's right. And make sure you follow Brian Holtzman on Twitter at HoltzmanBrian. Facebook, Brian Holtzman. Website, BrianHoltzman.com.

And Instagram, Brian Holtzman. Thank you, Tony. We love you guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much. Bye. All right. Is he a Michael Lera out here, you think? We love you guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much. Bye. Bye. All right.

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