KILL TONY - KILL TONY #427

Episode Date: January 13, 2020

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 01/09/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to all the shows. And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live. We're at the Comedy Store every Monday at 8 o'clock, but we're always all the shows. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. We're at the Comedy Store every Monday at 8 o'clock, but we're always on the road, so click on tour dates to see where we're at next. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own tour dates, like his comedy shows. He also has some merch up there, so check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, that's the house artist.

He drew the Kill Tony book. He has a bunch of stuff for sale. Check out RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We got some Kill Tony shirts over there. We got some Death Squad hats and mugs. Check out ShopSquad dot TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from San Antonio, Texas.

For a brand new episode of kill Tony give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe San Antonio, come on, make some fucking noise! That's right. Hell yeah. Brian Redbent's here, everybody! Complete chaos. Down to the wire. Things are crazy.

You guys ready to have a great fucking night tonight or what? Goddamn motherfucking right. This is why we come to Texas all the time. Everything's bigger in Texas. Even kill Tony. Giddy up. This episode brought to you by Chevy Silverado and Dodge Ram, motherfuckers. Yeehaw.

Hell yeah. I'm so excited about this. We always have fun. A lot of crazy things happen here in Texas, and we've always had fun every episode that we're here. The fun train continues tomorrow in Houston. Kill Tony's coming up in Calgary with a weekend of stand-up. I'm doing stand-up by myself in Tempe, Arizona.

Kill Tony Vancouver. Kill Tony East Link just went up back to Swansea, Massachusetts for our big semi-annual blowout on the East Coast. La Jolla, California has a Kill Tony coming up March 5th. Ventura, March 12th. Kill Tony, Boston, April 10th, with a weekend of stand-up the 10th and 11th of April. And Austin, Texas, Kill Tony,

Moon Tower Comedy Festival just announced April 25th. Very exciting stuff. Jeremiah Watkins has some dates coming up in Buffalo, Syracuse, Albany. That's all in February. Go to jeremiahwatkins.com for that, including Tahoe, January 16th. That happen yet? Nope.

Didn't happen yet. January 16th. Damn. My goodness. You know, I've just been flying around. We got names cut up absolutely last second. I mean, the reason why I made it here was because we forgot one thing, and that was to cut up the names.

I told the sound guy, who may or may not be just a tad autistic, to, uh... I told him to get scissors, and he was moving slow during the sound check, and I told him to run. I go, I need you to run. I need you to get scissors and run, motherfucker.

And I didn't realize until afterwards that I told him to run with scissors. But we made it. How about a hand for Lawrence back there in the sound booth, everybody? We love you, Lawrence. Great work tonight. He's a badass dude. You know what's great for autism and anxiety?

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You know what I mean? I get in there. Sometimes you let me do it. And I use Infinite CBD. I don't buy CBD anywhere else because Infinite CBD offers the cleanest, healthiest, and purest CBD available on the market. Use the code TONY15,

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Tell them to enjoy the repercussions of new medicine at Infinite CBD Tony15. Very good. As smooth as always, Red Band. Just as smooth as fucking butter biscuits uh i'm excited about this is with all the road episodes we go guest list for these things we like to keep it to the central core we know you guys like us the most anyway we don't need some fucking comedian here to promote his goddamn crowd work special coming out or anything like that you know what i mean cluttering it up trying to funny, saying jokes that we made fucking years

ago on this fucking show. We try to keep it refillable, have as much fun as we fuck. They don't listen to the show, so I can say whatever I want. I can call them all of our guests a bunch of hacks, and no one will ever know. Anyway, one thing we do have on these shows, believe it

or not, we flew with them today. It's a band, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. I'm having a stare down with this fucking cool lesbian lady with the silver hair over here. She's not smiling. She's a tough little cookie, huh? There's a little smile. Look at you.

What a smile, lady. Have fun. I hope she is a lesbian. Is that a guy? That's not a guy. Is it?. What a smile, lady. Have fun. I hope she is a lesbian. Is that a guy? That's not a guy. Is it? You're a lesbian, right? Yeah, damn motherfucking right. Thank you. All these Texas people

patting her on the back like, sorry about that. It's all good. I live in Los Angeles. I know a fucking lesbian when I see one. I just like to make sure you're all right. You know what I mean? I don't like that fucking lesbian stare down you guys give me. That cold as ice.

Lesbians hate me, by the way. I'm like lesbian kryptonite for some reason. Because they think you're one of them. No, it's because... There you go. I mean, there you go. Yes. There you go.

Very good. Absolutely. That's one way of doing it. So we have a band on this show. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. They got packed tight in this little itsy-bitsy bathroom

in this very tiny green room we have. So they've been in there for a few minutes getting ready. Let's all find out what they are tonight together, shall we? Sometimes it's the return of famous characters that we've seen before. Sometimes it's brand new characters that we've never seen. Let's find out what they are tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band, Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berkshaw Jimenez.

Let's see what they are. Whoa. Wow. Whoa. Heck yeah. Wow. Wow. Basketball players, everybody.

Fuck yeah. No doubt about it. Those are basketball players. Hell yeah. Welcome to the show. Have you been on? I can't remember. Have you been on before basketball player?

Yeah, back in Cincinnati. Wait, what? Are you a... You heard... Back in Cincinnati, bitch. Oh, wait a second. Yeah. So wait, you guys both are sort of like...

Man, we street ballers, dog. Oh, all right. Yo, my name T-Swish. that's my boy Rimjob back there. I'm gonna write this down. Okay. T-Switch and Rimjob, is that correct? Yeah.

T-Switch and Rimjob. We play for the PPB, people playing basketball. Heck yeah. It's the only league that allows karate. Wow. Well, I'm glad you're here in San Antonio, because no one needs more new, better basketball players than the Spurs. Am I right, people?

I'm a bad guy. Yeah, the lesbian's smiling now, isn't she? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. This is exciting. We have basketball players. We have a red band soundboard, which brings me to this, the very extra sloppy tonight, Bucket of Destiny. These names were cut up. I might only have half your name at some point, so we're going to have to do some real guessing here. There's two ways to this stage,

and only two ways. Do not walk in front of this table. If you're on this side, you come up and behind us, like in the main room of the comedy store. And if you're on that side, you can come right through behind Jeremiah and in front of the drums. Don't do anything stupid. Watch your feet as you're coming up here. There's wires. There's fire hazards. Be safe.

I know you're nervous and that it all turns into a blur if your name gets called. But please, as you get close to the stage, try to focus. Take your time. When we say the names, Lawrence is going to turn on the house lights for a second just like this. Maybe a little bit more juice than that, Lawrence. Maybe a little bit more, Lawrence. Maybe more so they can... Okay, you know what?

That's good, Lawrence. Alright, turn them down, Lawrence. Very good. You know what? Fuck it. Let's just have them trip everywhere. I pull your name out. You come to the stage. You get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know what? Fuck it. Let's just have them trip everywhere. I pull your name out. You come to the stage. You get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know how it works. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Means wrap it up then or else

you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I fucked that up. You're going to bring out the angry Main Street bear. There you go. There you go. Very good. And then we talk to you about your life. I ask you a bunch of questions. Try to answer them honestly.

Give us something to work with up here. We try to find out what makes you different than everybody else that's ever been pulled out of the bucket before. We would like to meet new people, find out their real stories. The guy with the Spurs hat turned it backwards after I made the joke. Son of a bitch.

You guys ready to start this fucking thing? It's San Antonio. We're back. We missed you in 2019. We were here in November 2018, and we're back. January 2020. Our first episode of Kill Tony on the road this year. We're going a lot of places. We're about to announce

some crazy worldwide stuff, but it starts right now, right here with you in San Antonio and your first comedian going up tonight, getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds, goes by the name of Nate M. Nate M. Here we go, here he comes, right there, look at this guy. Hey, hey, we're talking basketball. Basketball. You can turn it down, Lawrence. Very good, one more time for Nate M, everybody. So does anybody else not give a fuck about global warming?

Like, what other situation are you complaining about more T-shirt and flip-flop weather? I think we all love that, right? t-shirt and flip-flop weather. I think we all love that, right? You know, they always come back with, well, no, you're not looking at it close enough. The polarized caps, they're melting, and the ocean's rising.

So, I love the ocean. The ocean's great. Nobody teach you pussies how to swim? Then they go into the, well, no, you don't understand. California, it might go underwater if we're not careful. Hmm. What a shame. You know, from where I am from, one last one. Where I'm from, where I'm from,

most people agree the best Jew is a dead Jew. And his name is Jesus Christ. Good Christian joke to end it. Christian joke right there. There you go. Sure, Nate M., everybody. Getting it started with a bang. Wow.

Very, very interesting. The old dead Jew misdirect there after a little global warming. My goodness gracious, Nate. Are you okay?

You angry or something? No, I just was really My goodness gracious, Nate. Are you okay? You angry or something? No, I just was really not expecting... I know nobody expects it, so you... Right. No, I love it. This is great. You knew you were coming here tonight? Yeah.

That shirt, did you roll down a hill to get here? I mean, what exactly... It was wadded up on the ground next to my basket, but I just had done the laundry in a little bit. Did you say basket? And we know karate. Wow, there's our

first Joelberg chant of the night. Fucking two minutes into the show, this guy's already sinking three-pointers. I love it. Heck yeah. That shirt is a... I mean, I just... Very rarely do I ever see anyone

in a moment like this that they prepare for, right? And that shirt has more wrinkles than the fucking Golden Girls, dude. It's incredible. I've never seen anything like this before. Do you do your own laundry? Who does your laundry for you?

Tell the truth, Nate. I can tell you're loading up a lie right into this fucking rifle that you call a brain right now. Do you chew your shirt before you wear it? Is that a chewable shirt? Yeah. Who does your laundry, Nate?

It's your mother, isn't it? She does my laundry. My wife does it like three out of every four times, probably. So your wife. The fourth time it doesn't get done. Oh, hell yeah. You ever give her the old knuckle sandwich for that, Nate? You seem like the kind of guy that has some old school beliefs, right?

Fuck global warming, dead Jews, beating your wife. Am I close on this one? Sounds about right to me. Right? You ever hit your wife? Tell the truth, Nate.

It's consensually most of the time Consensually Yo, that's a technical doubt So this is your first time doing stand-up comedy? Yeah, it is Yeah, it is, absolutely How old are you? 23

23? Look at you, you young buck Absolutely What do you do for work? He's a boat sale mannequin. Okay. All right. We're starting this. Nate, what do you do for work? I serve at a movie

theater that does dinner. You work at the Alamo Drafthouse. I didn't... You think you're not allowed to say that. Is that what you're saying? They kind of... I don't know that think you're not allowed to say that. Is that what you're saying? They kind of... I don't know that they would like what I said that much.

Right. After that set, you are absolutely correct. They would not like that at all. My goodness gracious, Nate. How long have you been working there at the theater? About three months. Okay. Three months.

What did you do before that? I worked in Natural Bridge Caverns. All right, what's that? It's a cave. I actually worked at the zip line. That's how I did the zip line operation. Yeah, you look like a zip line guy. Awesome.

Put that shirt on a fucking zip line. Let it fucking soak in the sun a little bit, that fucking thing. What do you do? Where do you keep that? Inside of like a condom or something like that? Like, I mean, it just looks compacted. Compacted, Nate.

What does your wife do for work? She serves, too, but she just got a job over at Oracle. At Oracle? Mm-hmm. The computer company? Yeah. Very good. Wow.

No, the Matrix character. Yes. That would be crazy if Wow. No, the Matrix character. Yes. That would be crazy if she was working for the Oracle. That would be pretty nuts. That's a big job. How long have you two been married for? You're 23? She's 23 too?

She's 21. Look at you. How long have you guys been married? You fucking weirdos. Married at 21 and 23. Jesus Christ. I already see how she does the laundry. You know this ain't gonna last long.

My God. We got married in June. You got married in June. How long have you guys known each other? How long have you been together? How long have you been prematurely ejaculating all over? And how long have you been using that shirt to clean it up? There you go.

There you go, baby. That's how it's done. Little alley-oop. Yep, go ahead. Yeah, we've been together since March of 2017. Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah, I'll do the math on that.

That seems like a lie. Known each other a couple years, March 2017. When's her birthday? Hers is May 1st, 98 is May 1st, 98. May 1st, 98. So you started dating her when she was 18? Yes.

Suspicious as fuck, isn't it? Suspicious as fuck. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Nate the snake over here. Look at you.

My goodness. So where'd you meet her at? What was she doing at the time? Was she perhaps at a Chuck E. Cheese or something like that? It was at school. Oh, wow. She was in high school? What the fuck were you doing there at the age of 19, huh?

No, she was an early senior. Yeah, I bet she was, dude. And you were a late freshman, you know what I'm saying, dude? We met at Texas State. Wow, Texas State. What's that mascot? The Armadillos or something? Texas State?

The pedophiles? What are they? The bobcats. I always call them the wildcats, but it's the bobcats. There you go. Absolutely. Hell yeah. So there you are. So you were 19 and she was 17 right no no she was she was 18 i was 20 oh that's pretty crazy because you said that you're all right now the math i guess sort of works it's. Very close. I got her being born March of 98.

Alright, I guess I'll allow it. Met in 2017. Alright, I guess so. So that's fun. So what did you study at Texas State? I was political science. Heck yeah. And do you use any of that while serving tables

at a movie theater? No, that's pretty much why I'm serving tables. Right. What are some of your goals? What do you think is going to happen now? I want to join the San Antonio Fire Department. Hey, look at that. I'm sure they need someone.

Yeah, look at this. This guy's going to be a fucking hero. Absolutely. Why? What makes you think you look like a firefighter, dude? Yeah, dog. You're wearing moccasins right now, bro. Yeah. What are you gonna do?

Fill in for the Dalmatian or something like that? You're just gonna clean the pole? the pole. Down boy. My goodness. What makes you want to be a fireman? Because your favorite age of girl is 9-11?

I guess I want to be a firefighter, so have a good time with the boys. Jesus Christ. I've never seen such a young pedophile before in my life. You're like King Joffrey Epstein. But you know what, Nate? before in my life. You're like King Joffrey Epstein. But you know what, Nate? It takes a lot of balls to sign up for this show, and you got it started here tonight with a lot of fun, so thank you very much.

His first time ever doing stand-up comedy. Come on, San Antonio. It's Nate M. We're playing basketball Motherfucking basketball Alright, we got another name out And sure enough, like I said We have the half of someone else's name as well

I mean, I really had to It was me cutting these names I couldn't leave it up to Lawrence Look at him back there The lights are still on He has no idea what's going on. This guy cannot take orders. I gave him directly what to say before the stand-up show, right?

Like, you know how they give announcements before a stand-up show? And we run a pretty tight ship. We do this all the time. And a lot of places, you know, they'll say, before we start the show, give it up for your headliner, Tony Hinchcliffe, you know, and people clap. And they go, also here, Brian Redman from Joe Rogan. They clap. And it's this long, horrible process.

So I told them exactly what to say, right? Cell phones off. No recording. This is before the stand-up show, not this part. You're allowed to take pictures and videotape moments of this if you want. But anyway, this was for the stand-up show. So I said, here's what you do. No cell phones, no pictures, right?

No recording of any kind. And now your first comedian... Are you guys ready for a great show? You can do better than that. Because it always works. Then make some noise for your first comedian, Joel Jimenez, right? And then he goes, perfect, I got it. I repeated it five times, right?

And then the show starts, and I told him to keep the door open because I wanted to hear it, because something told me something was going to be a little bit wonky about this intro. He goes, no recording of any kind, no cell phones of any kind.

Are you guys ready to start the show? Come on, you could do better than that. Well, in that case, let's get ready to rumble. Ladies and gentlemen, Joel and Maddox. We were dying in the green room. We literally died. I had to come back to life. I pulled another name out.

You guys having fun yet? Here we go. Your next comedian goes by the name of Ishmael Ali. Ishmael Ali. Dreams are coming true. Here we go. Here comes Ishmael

everybody right there. He's got it. He's a serious man. You can go lights down, Lawrence. Oh, yeah. He's got it. He's a serious man. You can go lights down, Lawrence. One more time for Ismail Ali.

My name's Ismail Ali. I'm half Arab, half Hispanic. Just one of the many things I have in common with Shakira. I'm also gay, I mean I'm gay but I'm not, you know what I'm saying? And being gay, it's not, it's one of those things you can't really prepare for learning that you're gay. You know, one day I just think I'm a normal guy, I see a cute boy and that's when the factory hits, and now this is my life. I don't know, I have a cute boy in the back there it hits and now this is my life I don't know I have a hard time fitting into the gay community in general I think because

I don't great the fashion I can't dance and I don't drink or smoke meth so I had an ex-boyfriend who actually did the last two. You know, he was a skinny white boy. He was a recovering addict. You could tell. You could see it in his bones, you know? Skinny white boy. Gliding around.

I think he was a poltergeist, though. Because he wound up ghosting me. Fuck yeah. Ishmael Ali, everyone. Very good. Awesome. Great job, man. Very good. Awesome. Great job, man. Thank you.

Way to do it. How long have you been doing stand-up for? A few months. Just a few months. Fuck yeah. Look at you, coming out, guns a-blazin', talking about real-life shit, talking about stuff only you can talk about, half Hispanic, half gay, Shakira worked.

I fucked that up. That wasn't even supposed to be. Half Hispanic, half Arab. You're gay. Everything worked. Full minute. I would have guessed longer than a few months. That's a solid performance. Appreciate that. Absolutely. You're from Texas born and raised? Yep. San Antonio

actually. San Antonio's very own. Absolutely. Hell yeah My goodness It must be hard being like a You know You've known you're gay for a long time

Since I was 15 Since you were 15 How old are you now? That's your quinceanera dude 15 That is so interesting. When you were coming up to the stage, I never would have guessed that you were gay. Even when I saw the rainbow glasses on the skull,

I'm like, oh, he's wearing that to be ironic. And because you have a very, it's a very like Arab. Let's check in with T-Switch. Yeah man, I knew he was gay. Those hips don't lie. Shakira, Shakira. Oh shit, he really is gay. I can't dance. That's the best I got.

Wow. You're the second toughest gay person I've seen tonight. I love it. So, awesome, man. You've been doing this a few months. Is it tough being a gay guy in Texas? You know, everybody here, I always come out guns a-blazin' and joke about it right from the beginning of all my sets in Texas, how manly the men are and how fuckin' tough everybody is.

Now you're a pussy if you ain't a tough guy and drive a truck and all this. Here you are. What's that been like for you? I mean, I have a harder time convincing people that I'm gay than not, so. Right. Guys are like, you ain't gay, dude. Come on. Suck my dick if you're gay. Come on. I know I ain't gay, but

I don't think you're gay either. Come on. Suck it. Let's check him at T-Switch. Yeah, this dude realized he was gay when he started teabagging all the truck nuts here in Texas. Oh my God. T-Switch, all right. I don't think the act outs are going to translate.

Didn't really need it. Available on video. Oh, my God. I'm going to have to zoom in on that one. The old licking the truck nuts routine. Okay, okay, T-Switch. My God. You ever hook up with a straight Texas man that doesn't want anyone to

know that he's gay? Yeah. When I first learned I was gay, I wanted people to know, so I bought skinny jeans, a cardigan. I tried the lisp for a while, but it just didn't work out. You tried the lisp? I tried the lisp, but it just didn't work out. Can we hear it?

Can we hear it? I mean, I haven't done it in a while, but I don't know. That didn't have an S in it. It just isn't me. There wasn't even an S in that. You have to say the San Antonio Spurs. Yeah, man. Tony, teach him how to do it real quick. Nobody has a gayer list than me.

It's true. Again, this is it. All the low-hanging fruit that we've heard a million times before. Tony's gay, everybody. Tony's gay. I talked about it for an hour in my stand-up set, but yes, here we go again. I guess so.

So, I mean, when I bought skinny jeans and a cardigan, people thought I was straight for the first time ever. That's how gay I am. All right. Anyway, so what's the gay I am. Is that... Alright. Anyway. So, what's the gayest thing you've ever done? You're an Arab. You ever been part of, like, a kebab or anything like that? You know what I mean? You ever get...

You ever get some of that fucking... some of that fucking Euro meat in your butt? You know what I mean? Squirt hummus all over the place. Honestly, kind of, like I said, half Arab, so I grew up Muslim, so I was like, I was basically in the closet

up until this year, last July. So I didn't fuck with most of like that gay shit. Right. Wow. So Muslim, so that means when you're getting butt-fucked, you have to face east or something like that? Mecca. Mecca from here is about northeast,

so it depends on where in the world you are. Wow, that is so interesting. What kind of Arab are you? Palestinian. Palestinian. Your dad's Palestinian? Yep. And does he, do your parents know about this, you being gay? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, what does your dad say about it? He didn't believe me. He said we'd talk about it later, and then I haven't spoken to him since. Is he not, is that by, go ahead, what were you going to say? He lives in Jordan, so I had to call him to tell him. Is that mic a little bit janky? Can you keep that mic right next to your mouth? I think it's going out. I had to call him to let him know what was up. Right.

But I told my uncle first, who was like a father figure, but he actually, he kind of kicked me out. Right. I was at UT Austin, he kicked me out, my cousin let me in, and so that's actually, it was right after that that I started doing stand-up, actually. Wow, look at that. I mean, that's how it happens. You find yourself. Did you end up graduating from the University of Texas? Barely.

Barely. I had one class that I needed to pass. Otherwise, it would take a whole other year. And I think the professor felt bad for me. I graduated with a 69.87 in that class. Wow. Wow, 69 is something that's hard for a gay man to do. And if he's doing it,

it's a 69.11. Yeah, look at that. Look at that. But you got your diploma. No one loves a longhorn more than you do. Am I right? Fuck yeah. No one loves a longhorn more than you do. Am I right? Fuck yeah, dude. Absolutely doodly, that fucking spread offense you guys have over there.

All right. What do you do for work? I actually have a third round interview tomorrow. So I'm in between jobs, but hopefully tomorrow I'm going to get my job in Austin. Oh, okay. Sales position. Sales position. Very good. Fuck yeah, man. What else?

Do you currently have a boyfriend or anything like that? Or are you just sort of dating around? No, I don't have a... Just been looking for work right now. Hopefully I'll be moving to Austin. How is this possible? And I'll find... Give me that fucking microphone.

This fucking thing. What's happening? This microphone's so much from Texas that it hates the gay guy. Hello, yes, one and two, three and four. Absolutely doodly. It's a little bit of a wobbly connector here.

Yeah, we have another bad cable. Lawrence, we gotta get you, buddy. Come on, Lawrence, you motherfucker. Lawrence, you gotta come up here and expose yourself to these people. If you make out with Ishmael, I'll give you 20 bucks. What? What did I say?

Lawrence has his own chant happening here. This is incredible. Only in San Antonio do they chant for the... Tony, we're about to have Lawrence of Arabia right now. Hey. Lawrence and Arabia all at once. He's got a stack of cables that are broken. Here he is. Lawrence, everybody.

Here he is. Everybody loves him. Everybody knows Lawrence. Lawrence, you having fun tonight? I will if we get a good chord. You're goddamn loves them. Everybody knows Lawrence. Lawrence, you having fun tonight? Well, I will if we get a good chord. You're goddamn right.

I told you he was a little bit autistic, everybody. Come on. Lawrence, you are a fucking legend, bro. You are an instant legend. Do you know that? No. Not until now. You know what?

Let's try a little experiment. Because I feel like it's going to work if everybody just holds it by that part. So why don't you just stay close. Okay. And we'll just have everybody hold it by that part. I've been around long enough to know that you just have to... Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Lawrence, how do you feel knowing that there's a gay man that close

to you? You know what they say about the... Uh-oh. Lawrence, is there any part of you that wants to give Ishmael a little kiss right now? Whoa. This guy's losing his mind. Hold on.

Let's see what Lawrence is about to say. There's a part of me that wants to give you a kiss. Whoa! Whoa! Jesus Christ! Lawrence, why don't you give Ishmael a kiss and I'll think about it. How about that? Gay as hell.

All right, all right. I thought about it. It's not happening, Lawrence. Yo, how is the kiss on the cheek somehow gayer than open mouth? And now give him a beheading. Hey, look at that. Absolutely.

My goodness. Yo, is this how autism spreads? The spectrum is like a rainbow. Wait, what? Oh, my God. That is incredible. Lawrence is killing. Can we get Lawrence a raise here tonight, huh?

Yes! Alright, Lawrence, I'm just going to have everybody hold it by that part. I think we have it pretty much fixed. Let's not even wobble with the bottom part. Just hold on to that black part. We know you'd probably love that, Ishmael. Exactly as I do. Yeah, just hold on to the handle part there, Ishmael.

All right. I think we fixed it. Yeah. Lawrence, great job. How about another hand for Lawrence, everybody? Stay close. If we need you again, get ready to come up here, all right? Surprisingly, not the first creepy butler we've ever had on the show.

You rang? Definitely not. Ishmael, I mean, you are unbelievable, dude. You are a diverse, very special creature, very rare in these parts of Texas. I love that you're owning it. I love that you're out. If your uncle and your father don't respect your decisions, just know that here in San Antonio, over the years, things have advanced,

and these people seem to be very welcoming to a person of your type, and it's an evolved time that we live in, and you should be very proud because there might be a half-Palestinian, half-Hispanic kid out there listening right now that feels gay, that's afraid to come out and chase his dreams, and here you are doing it in the heart of Texas. So if you can do it here, you can do it anywhere. Ishmael Ali, everybody.

Booyah. Wow. What a show so far. Very exciting. Hispanic, Arab, and gay. That's as much diversity as I would expect in an entire episode of San Antonio Kill Tony, all with one human. Wow.

That's an Old Navy commercial. That literally doesn't make any sense. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Completely on brand, though, for you. All right. Make some noise for your next comedian, Greg Larson, everybody. Here we go.

Whoa. Here he is. He's already up here. Ready to go. Greg Larson. Greg Larson. We good? Okay. One more time for Greg Larson, everybody.

I'm a ghost writer, which means I write books for people who can't write themselves. My oldest client is 95 years old. So in his case, I'm his actually almost a ghost writer. His name is Carl. Carl's like a classic creepy old dude. He always says weird stuff to me. The other day he said, you know the only difference between rape and ravishment?

Salesmanship. Which is awkward because his book is about sales. I was like, Carl, you really got me rethinking that chapter on overcoming objections. Where did you get this information? My mom didn't call on my birthday. Again. I mean, she's like dead or whatever, but... Just send a card. Sound effects. So loud.

Love it. So here we are. Greg, you are a writer. Yes, sir. That's true. That's what you do for a living? Yep. Author and ghostwriter.

How long have you been doing that for? About three years. What do you mostly write about? Sales? That's some of it. A lot of CEOs who want to have books in their that for? About three years. What do you mostly write about? Sales? That's some of it. A lot of CEOs who want to have books in their industry, they come to me. Very interesting. Very interesting.

Did you go to school for that? Yeah. I have a master's degree in creative writing. From? Old Dominion University in Virginia. Old Dominion University in Virginia. Very, very cool. And how old are you?

31. 31. 31. You've been doing stand-up for a couple years? I've been doing it seriously for about three months. How about not seriously? Got on stage for the first time about 12 years ago when I was 19. 12 years ago. Absolutely. And then you took a little break. Yeah. I think I got embarrassed with bombing so often. Right.

And just stepped away from it for, like, ten years. Absolutely. And here you are. This is your, so you've been doing it a couple months here in San Antonio? No, I live in Austin, so I do open mics there. Very cool. It's a pretty big scene there in Austin. I don't think a lot of people know that Austin might be the third, fourth, or fifth biggest comedy scene in the country.

That wasn't a joke. It's like a few people trying to get ahead of the joke. Like, ha ha. Like, no, that's a real one, guys. So, Greg, interesting. How'd your mom die? She starved herself. So she had had a long mystery illness for a long time.

And she decided that she was just going to end it by stopped eating. Wow. Yeah. My goodness. I know one lady in this room that will never stop eating. It's a pussy eating pussy joke. Now that you didn't like that one, you don't like... No? Thumbs down.

It wasn't food. It was eating pussy. All right, forget it. Do you ever write your own books, or do you only... Yeah, I basically do ghost writing to support my own writing. My second memoir is coming out next spring.

You ever ghost write something and go, man, I should have kept that for myself? That would have been... No, because it's somebody else's work. Right, you can't really do that because it wouldn't get published Do you ever ghostwrite something and go, man, I should have kept that for myself? No. Because it's somebody else's work. Right. You can't really do that because it wouldn't get published if it was under your thing because it's just the fast way of doing it. And a much easier way to make money is having someone else pay you because they want that recognition. A lot of people don't know this, but I made a lot of my first money in show business writing jokes for very famous comedians.

And it was an unbelievable opportunity. I think it's a lot harder than people think. You know, you have to be very, very good at it. But once you get your legs underneath, you have a little bit of money, you can write something really good that is really good. Yeah. You have to, like, imitate somebody else's voice too exactly which is fun but incredibly challenging to do authentically yeah a whole book sounds really really hard but these people just love it and you talk to them and you get updates from them like hey here's what i'm thinking that you would say um well i do phone interviews with them right like i get i transcribe

those interviews so like i'm able to to get some of their voice in that. Right. But, yeah, it takes a lot of work to nail down most people's voices. Interesting. What's your love life like? I just met somebody, actually, last week. Wow, is it Ishmael Ali? I wouldn't complain.

No, I met her through, I do couch surfing, so I host people from around the world. They crash on my couch if they need a place to stay. So competitively or like? And yeah, she's coming up from Costa Rica, and we just connected. Have you met her before? I'd never met her before. She just sent me a request like, hey, I's coming up from Costa Rica, and we just, like, connected. Have you met her before? I'd never met her before. She just, like, sent me a request, like, hey, I need a place to crash. And usually it's a very platonic situation, but, like, we just connected very deeply.

You kept talking. Yeah. Dude, you're about to get catfished like a motherfucker, bro. Oh, yeah. I have met her. What are you going to do when she can't even fit on your couch? No, I have. I met her last week, and that's when we got, I don't know.

It's that fiance show. You met her, met her. Heck yeah. She's about to steal your identity, bro. That's what's going on here. Does she have a good butt? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, does she have a big butt?

Costa Rican ass. Yeah, people know the famous Costa Rican ass People know the famous Costa Rican Big butt Has anyone ever come up to you from the back and say they love you As the host of Hot Ones Turn around Hey there he is I get to see shit that you guys don't

Hey your back of the head references are on top I love it. That's rim job back there. So you met her last week. She came up from Costa Rica. She stayed on your couch, but she didn't even end up staying on your couch, did she? She made it to the bedroom, didn't she? No, because there's a weird vibe.

There's this unspoken power dynamic there that I didn't want to take advantage of. She's a strange woman coming into a guy's house. I'm going to wait for her to make the first move. So this thing that was supposed to be platonic that ended up not being platonic, and then she showed up and then it sort of became platonic again it it turned into being a little bit more possibly romantic after she showed up oh so there she is she's sleeping on the couch you walk out with a little candle or something like that right how'd this go down when was the moment you realized that uh we went out dancing to, like, we went to a silent disco. Oh.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey, what's a silent disco? So you wear headphones. Oh, I actually know about this. I once had a blast doing this. I was on the 311 cruise four or five years ago, and one of the things that they had was this, and you can switch things, right? What are those guys called? Do you remember uh one of the things that they had was this and you can switch

things exactly right yeah you can what are those guys called do you remember the name of the thing is it just called a silent disco yeah i didn't i didn't catch the okay i didn't know if there was like a famous dj that did it it's really cool so i know it sounds crazy but we ended up having like the time of our lives so they give you these headphones and it's either red or, uh, red or green or something like that. And, um, basically you can see the songs that everybody else is listening to and you're going to want to, yes. Okay. You're going to want to hear this. It's not going to work on this. So, uh, so, um, and, but you could like see who's enjoying themselves and who's sort of sick of the song,

and the other songs are changing at different times. So you'll see everybody with red headphones be like, oh, and you're like, oh, fuck, what's going on? They'll be like, DMXX or something like that. You'll be like, oh, shit, it's DMX. Right? It looks totally ridiculous from the outside. Yes, and by the way, if you take your headphones off, everybody's just sort of like, ha, ha, ha.

It's the funniest shit in the world. We had a blast doing that. Exactly. I only did it once. And you do that a lot? No, that was the first time I'd ever done it. Your idea or her idea? It was my idea.

Oh, look at you. I love dancing. You do? Really? Well, you know what? Why don't you give us a little. Now you can hit that. Put that mic in the mic stand.

And you have to let it rip, Greg. I'm telling you right now. Oh! Whoa! Oh, my God! Whoa! Wow! My goodness. Somehow you are gayer than Ishmael Ali.

I just got word that after seeing that, Ishmael's now straight. Back to you in the studio, Tony. I just got word that Ishmael Ali's uncle is no longer talking to Greg Larson. What was Bill Burr doing? Wow, yeah. This is. You're like Bizarro Bill Burr. Yeah.

I'll take it. Vulnerable and not that funny. No, I'm kidding. I'm just kidding. You're a funny guy, Greg. Well, I mean, you know, you did it, dude. Absolutely awesome. Great performance.

Great. You drove, how long is the drive from Austin to get here? Took about two hours in traffic. Was it worth it? Did you have fun? There you go. Greg Larson, everybody. On to the next one we go. He's on social media at TheGregLarson. All one word.

Ishmael Ali is at I-S-M-A-Y-E-L-L. Ishmael. Can I get a Jack and Diet, please? There you go. Jack and Diet. You know that diet's gonna help you out. Ooh, he's so concerned

for his health. Yo, yo, yo, yo. Same team, dawg. Same team, dog. Same team. All right. Make some noise for your next comedian, Justin Tretchen, everyone. Justin Tretchen.

Here he comes. If you like pina colada. Oh, different song. Come and dance in the rain. If you like pina colada Oh, different song. Come and dance in the rain I believe I can touch the sky One more time for Justin Trichin, everybody. Is there anyone in here here have a small mouth? No one has a small mouth.

Are you kidding me? I'm the only one that has trouble eating bananas? Get the fuck out of here! Dude, I can't go in from the top. It's too girthy, all right? I got to go in from the top. It's too girthy, all right? I got to go in from the sides, lumberjack style, or cornering the cop, you know?

Like, I can't... Dude, you know shit's serious. A cop told me I had a small mouth. I got pulled over by a cop, and he... So I do the pen test, and then he points it at me and goes, can you open your mouth? And I go, no, I can't open my mouth.

Like, I can't open the water. And, uh... Wow, very impressive. Small mouth. Justin Tretjen. Am I saying that right? Tretjen? Teejen. It's actually Teejen.

Teejen. Oh, okay. Teejen. Very good. My friend wrote it down. So he could be a fucking idiot. I don't even... He could have fucked it up. I don't even know what you're saying. Your mouth is so small I can barely understand you. I also have a

speech impediment. Yeah, no, you do. Yeah. Absolutely. I can confirm that. A lot of people don't know I am a speech professional. Let's check in with T-Switch. Yeah, we're looking for a shooting guard on our team.

If you want to join Rim Job T-Switch, we'd love to have Little Mouth as an addition. Hey. Look at that. I'd fucking love to. I'd fucking love it. Do you eat everything through a straw? I actually fucking hate straws.

I'm one of those people that hate plastic. Heck yeah. Absolutely. I can't imagine what Ishmael would want to do with that tight mouth. You know what I'm saying? I just can't even imagine. He'd either want to fuck it or fly an airplane into it. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. You don't know. It depends on how he's feeling that day, either half Mexican or half Arab, you know what I mean? My goodness gracious. What do you do for work with such a tiny mouth? Whisper. Whisper.

Big Goldberg chant. I work with kids with disabilities. Oh, wow. Someone you can really relate to. They have small mouths and speech impediments as well. Yeah. I love it. I love it.

That is so cool. How long have you been doing that for? I actually have a disability, so I fell into it. Oh, what's your disability I have muscular dystrophy oh muscular dystrophy actually the reason why I got the test is the cop

that had a DUI was like I have a disability I can't do the test you want me to do so he had me do the pen test for a fucking long time remind us all one time exactly how muscular dystrophy works, because we have a new regular on this show, Michael Lair, that has Lou Gehrig's disease, ALS,

and we've learned a lot about that as of late. Some of you know. Very good. I'm interested to know a little bit more about muscular dystrophy. It makes your mouth shrink. That's the first sign. Then what happens? I'm actually the wrong person to ask because I don't like to find out about my disability because I think it's going to psychologically block me

from doing shit if I find out more. That's why I don't research AIDS at all. Yeah, I told him. I just let it ravage my body. I purposefully shut off Philadelphia halfway through the movie. Same thing with the Freddie Mercury movie. Same thing with Forrest Gump. He puts Neosporin on all his sores.

That's true. I just rub a little Jack and Diet on him. CBD. Infinite CBD. That's right. The topical cream. I use the promo code Tony15. Go ahead. The diet is working a lot better on you

than Red Band. Thank you. Even small mouth's making fun of you tonight. Yeah, I'd be that thin also if I couldn't eat anything. Jesus Christ. Can't even blow a bubble. It just flies out of your mouth.

Oh my God., my God. Oh, my God. Red Bandit's done taking this shit from you. You're the one that orders the petite fillets. Oh, my God. Yeah, take that, bitch. You probably have big nipples, though. All right, Red Bandit.

All right, let's relax a little bit. Let's relax. I love it. I love it. Red Band. Justin, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About six years. Six years.

Awesome. All of it here in San Antonio? No, actually, I'm from Phoenix. Oh, wow. Did you drive here? Yeah, I drove with my friend. We have two shows here, and you are in town. Oh, very cool.

When are your shows? Friday, tomorrow, and Sunday. Tomorrow and Sunday. Where are they at? I don't know where the Friday one is, but I know the Sunday. Wow, you are so good at promotions. It's incredible. You don't even know where you're from.

You drove all the way here. You're like, who gives a fuck? I'll show up. My friend coordinated it, but I know I'm at the secret group on Sunday. Oh, in Houston. Yeah, in Houston. Well, when do you go to Houston? Friday.

Sunday. Sunday. Fuck. So what are you doing here on Saturday? What? Today's Thursday. Yeah, I know today's Thursday. But you were here.

I'm starting to learn a lot about muscular dystrophy right now. He's actually really smart, but the thoughts can't make it out. Like a tunnel that gets smaller. So it's Thursday, and then you have a show tomorrow here. And then Sunday you're at the Secret Group in Houston. We're at the secret group in Houston tomorrow and Saturday. Did you know that? Yeah, you guys are sold out, right?

Yeah, but technically you could sign up and stand in the other room listen and keep an ear out or keep a small mouth out, whatever you want or listen here if your name gets called. Alright, okay. It's possible. I mean, if you're gonna be in Houston my point is you could be there and we'll all hang out.

Maybe have a drink or something like that. You know what I mean? You just got awarded what we call the bronze ticket where you're allowed to sign up even though it's still sold out and hang out with us possibly after the show. Yeah, that's true. That's true. You did. Anything else crazy we need to know about you, Justin? Anything else about your

life? Any fun facts about you that you think makes you different? Any special skills or talents or anything like that? No, not that I can think of. What do you do for fun? Fuck this. Just stand up? Any other hobbies or anything like that?

The boring shit, video games, music. Fuck yeah. All that stuff. I love it. I actually went to school for video games. Oh, interesting. Yeah? I don't want to fucking talk to you.

Oh, look at this rivalry. Wow. Small mouth versus big bones in a battle of the titans over here. I love it. You put the dis in muscular dystrophy, dude. I love your style. Oh, wait. Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Oh, no, that's just his mouth. Yeah. That wasn't the mic cable that time. I love it. Justin, so much fun. So cool, man. Thanks for coming on. Justin Tregion, everybody.

Tregion. Tegion. Justin Tegion. Yeah, I love it. Fuck yeah, Justin. Rock and roll. Muscular dystrophy isn't contagious, is it? So stupid.

We're a bunch of morons over here. Let's see what this one is. That's a blank one. Some of these people signed up on different pages. This looks like a fun name. This looks like a made up name if I've ever seen one before. I'll be really surprised if this is this person's real name.

It sounds like something I'd use in a joke. Make some noise for Leroy Jenkins, everybody. Leroy Jenkins. Is this real? Is this Leroy? What is that? Oh. All right. What is that? Alright. It's Leroy Jenkins.

Wow, come on Leroy. There you go. Here he is, Leroy Jenkins everybody. Make some noise for Leroy everyone. Goddamn. Quite an audience tonight. Alright. So, any single people in the crowd?

Let me see a hand. Of course you are, you fucking faggots. Oh, I'm sorry. So, any of my niggas out there? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I see you in the fucking crowd.

All right? Any Bloods, any Crips? All right, no, I mean, it's cool, it's cool. I'm drunk as fuck I'm pretty sure Most of you are Alright Why the fuck you laughing man Why the fuck you laughing

Wow Leroy Jenkins Give me some booze Give me some booze Why the fuck you laughing? Wow. Leroy Jenkins. Give me some booze. Give me some booze. Hell yeah. Yo. Yo. He said the N word

and I was like, out of bounds, dog. My goodness, Leroy. Did you prepare for this? Were you expecting this? What's going on? My goodness, Leroy. Thank you. Did you prepare for this? Were you expecting this? What's going on? Oh, hell no. I was not expecting this at all. You signed up as Leroy Jenkins?

Yep. I am Leroy Jenkins. Right. I know your name's not Leroy Jenkins in real life, so you really got me there with that laugh you did at yourself. You're not fooling anybody. Matty B. Maddie B. Maddie B. Wow. The rapper.

Yeah, no, it's okay. It's all right. How much did you drink today? It's hard to tell, honestly. It's okay. You're just a little bit too loopy to even be up here, pal. It's hard to tell. That was like nine N-words ago. I mean,

the black guy loved it. We have Israel Adesanya up here. Absolutely love it. Take a bow, Israel. Stand up. Wave to these people. He's not going to listen to me because I'm white and you just said the N-word. There goes Leroy Jenkins, everybody. Hell yeah. Oh, shit. Look at the black bouncer.

Like, oh, I'll help you, motherfucker. I'll help you. Wow. How many of you want to light him on fire right now, huh? Maybe after the show. Maybe after the show. Blank name. Blank name.

Ooh, they scratched their name out. Someone got scared. Okay, make some noise for Eric Vegas, everybody. Here we go, Eric Vegas. Ooh, here he is. He's ready. This guy's ready to go. One more time. Eric Vegas, ladies and gentlemen.

Come on. What's up? So I like to think of myself as a very considerate person. Yeah, I'm that guy you'll see doing a mile to a fast jog along crosswalks. That guy. If you go slow on these crosswalks, you're kind of a piece of shit and wasting all of our time. Anyway, I respect my time and the time of others around me. And anyway, this middle school substitute teacher of mine, Mr. Tubbs, really cool guy,

like big frame glasses, white beard. He has a dragon button up shirts. He's a pretty cool fucking dude. He'd come out of nowhere and he'd say, oh, you wasted time, boy. Anytime us and our friends are just fucking not doing our work or anything. This phrase has stuck with me ever since. It comes up whenever I'm wasting time. And sometimes I'll be on the verge of

doing some masturbation seconds and Mr. Tubbs appears in my head and he says, oh, the first wasn't enough, boy. You wasted time, boy. Anyway, don't waste your time, folks. Good night. Thanks.

Hell yeah. Eric Vegas. What's up, Tony? Hello. Yeah, sir. What's going on, pal? Just relax. Take a breath. Just breathe a little bit, Eric. Let some oxygen's going on, pal? Just relax. Take a breath. Just breathe a little bit, Eric. Let some oxygen into that brain, pal. I love it. Hey, nice deep breaths.

Get them in. One of the positives, he didn't say the N-word, so. Yeah, give me that one, yeah. What was up with that shit? I don't know. Hey, give it to him. Sure, T-Switch. Yeah, this dude looked like Weird Al Rape-A-Bitch.

Oh! Weird Al Rape-A-Bitch. With! Weird Al Rape-A-Bitch. With the layup. T-Swish, everybody. Absolutely. So, Eric, first time doing stand-up comedy? This was, yes. Yes, indeed, it was. That's the goat

of your first time. How old are you, Eric? I'm 25. 25. What do you do with computers for a living? Holy shit! Goddamn, you got with computers for a living? Holy shit. Goddamn, you got me. Yeah, no, I know. I don't know. It's one of those chicken or the egg thing with the people that look like you.

I don't know whether sitting behind a computer makes you eventually look like that or people that... Okay. If the sound effects are louder than everything, then that cancels out everything that anybody else is saying. So if it's the same volume, then we can all match it. You weren't talking when I played that, by the way. Just so you know, for the record, you were not saying a word. You think you can change history? I was literally in the middle of the set. It's on tape.

Rewind the tape. Okay, rewind the tape right back. Yo, Dom, check out the instant replay right back. Rewind it. Kill Tony. Right. Absolutely moronic. But anyway, Eric, so Chicken or the egg, which happened first?

Did you look like this and then work with computers? I looked like this first and then, yeah, started working with computers. Right. So what made you look like that? Does your mom look like this or your dad? You know, it's a little combination of the both. I feel that. You have your mom's hair and your dad's face.

I guess. Yeah, sure. I like it. So what do you do with computers? Video games? I play some video games, yeah. No, my job, I do some online marketing for a staffing agency. Very good. All here in San Antonio? Yes. Why do I feel

like you get beat up more than Ishmael Ali? Okay. You ever get thrown in a locker or anything like that? No. No, no, that's never occurred. No. Alright. What do you do for fun? Clearly you're a fan of pro wrestling. That's fucking right. Store Horseman, everybody. Get on it. Hey, I like

that. I have to be a wrestling fan, but yeah. What else? Yeah, besides that, I play a lot of guitar, a little bass. I like singing. You like singing? Yeah, sure. Why don't you sing us a little something? Give us a little example.

Oh, well, fuck me. Some singing. You want acapella? You want a beat from Joel? Is there something that you would prefer? Sure, yeah. Throw me a beat. Let's do this.

Yeah, give him a little beat, Joel. Oh, yeah. Give me that sweet groovy. Oh, I like coming to the comedy club with my friends. I got nothing. Fuck. You gotta put me on the spot

for singing. Try saying the N word. Say the N word. We ain't gonna do that No don't say it shut up I love it Eric what's something crazy about you that would surprise us Because you seem like a mild You know demeanored man

Like a very innocent soul Is there something wild about you That would surprise us No Probably not Just stick to my shit that would surprise us? No, probably not. Probably not. Just stick to my shit. You joked about masturbating. When's the last time you've been with a woman?

Well, my girlfriend didn't come to the show tonight, unfortunately, because we saw you and Joe Rogan in Houston, and unfortunately, she didn't like your set, man. Oh, she didn't like your set, man. Oh, she didn't. Let me guess. She has like a, she's had a lot of abortions or something like that? See, it's always one or the other.

Right now, with the current set list that I have, I can tell you. Either she's had a lot of abortions or at least one. That's really all it takes for a woman to get upset at my set. abortions or at least one. That's really all it takes for a woman to get upset at my set. Or if she has someone that has a serious mental handicap in her family pretty close. Cerebral palsy.

Her boyfriend. None of the above? No, she just has a shitty sense of humor. That might be the case. Might not be. She's pretty funny herself. Really? Okay. Why do I feel like she looks just like you but with tits? That's a good question.

She doesn't have curly hair. Remember when Garth meets the chick that looks just like him at the DMV? All right. Back to you, Tony. Thank you. Yes, T-Switch. Yeah, when were you diagnosed with system of a down syndrome? Oh, my God.

Oh, God. Wake up! Trevor Bush, I put a little makeup! What are you, the Saudi prince, man? Jesus fucking Christ. Jokes that... Oh, God. Anyway.

But they love it. Way to play to the live crowd, I guess. Yo, but you didn't really answer Tony's question, though, because he asked you the last time you, like, played down low, and then you, like, brought it back with, like, that your girlfriend just doesn't like him. I don't see how it even... Is there something that she said specifically about my set in Houston

that I performed 30 minutes in the arena that the Houston Rockets play in. I can't imagine it going any better than it did because I tightened up every nook and fucking cranny and destroyed 360 degrees in the middle of a basketball arena. So I'm

interested to hear if she gave you any exact notes about what she didn't like. You were there. I couldn't have possibly have killed any harder. So you notes about what she didn't like. You were there. I couldn't have possibly have killed any harder. So you tell me what she didn't like. She didn't pinpoint it. Yeah, you know the answer. You're just censoring it right now. I swear to God. She just

said you drove all the way from Houston to be here, right? No, I'm from San Antonio. From San Antonio. And you guys drove to Houston for that. Just the two of you. And she said, I'm not coming out tonight. I don't like Tony Hinchcliffe.

I asked her the other day, hey, you want to go see the Hinchcliffe? And she's like, I didn't really like his set. That was it. That was the extent of it. That's so funny.

But you loved it. You saw me literally a month ago and you're like, I have to see his full hour. Yeah, of course. He called her Tony in bed one time and then she's like, I have to see his full hour. He called her Tony in bed one time and then

she's like, I don't like that Tony guy. That's all it takes. Did she specifically say, if you get called, you better tell him I didn't like his shit either. Did she tell you to send a message? To tell Tony specifically? Never mind. No, no, no. She did not. She did not.

What is wrong with these people? What did she do for work? She is a GIS analyst. You know what? Let's call her right now. I want to ask her about this set. I'm going to ask her about this set. I'm going to ask her what the fuck she didn't like about my set in Houston, Texas.

What? Are you serious, Tony? All right, hey. All right, you guys want this? Let's do this? I don't know if she'll answer. I don't know if she'll answer. Oh, she's going to answer. I'm going to put her on speaker.

You're damn right you put her on speaker. You put the phone right up to the bottom of that thing. Or a black guy's gonna answer. Put the fucking phone up to the... Hello? How did you know I was still awake? Hey!

Hey! Her name's Sarah. Hi, Sarah. It's me, Tony Hinchcliffe, one of the top young rising comedians in the world. So, Sarah, I just got word from my new best friend in the world, Eric Vegas, that you didn't like my set in Houston, and I find it really hard to believe that you didn't like me. So now we have you live on the air on Keltoni. You're being recorded.

It's no big deal. It's just the number one live podcast in the world. So now my question is, can you give me some notes or pointers on how to be the type of comedian that you would like more? What didn't you like about my set at that sold- out arena in Houston, Texas?

Okay, no. Number one. Number one? Holy shit. Hold on. Hold on. Wait. We gotta be quiet. Everybody shut the fuck up. Alright. Number one. Go ahead. Number one.

That's all I got. No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Sweetheart Sarah, we didn't hear you. The crowd went crazy after you said number one. What did you say? Number one what? Number one, be funnier. What'd she say?

Be funnier. She said be funnier. Okay, well, that's a bad note. What's she say? She said be funnier. Okay, well that's a bad note. What's number two? Pretty much number one. All right. Specific, like specifically, like what did she like? Can you give me any specific notes?

Because the rest of the audience was having a great time that night in Houston. So I'd love to know specifically how I can make a computer nerd's girlfriend happier with my set. I like to make all ranges of people happy, so I'm wondering if you can give me a specific note, because I can't possibly be any funnier. I'm one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world.

You could maybe not refer to me as a computer nerd's girlfriend, for starters. That'll definitely make me happier. That one stung a little bit, didn't it? Alright. Come on. Can you give me just, please,

just think about it. Give me one specific note on what you would have liked more from me that night. Maybe a bit more memorable, too? What? Be a bit more memorable, too. What? Be a bit more memorable. Alright, lady, you're

crazy. This lady's crazy. Yo, memorable. Yo, Tony, he said before we hopped on the call that she's a GIS analyst. How long your girlfriend been analyzing jizz, dog? She's a GIS analyst. How long your girlfriend been analyzing jizz, dawg?.

What are you doing? Put her back on the phone. Hold on the phone. Sarah, are you there? Sarah. Sarah, rattle off some of your favorite comedians just so that I can get sort of an idea of the type of comedy that you're into. Don't overthink it. Just start rattling them off.

I know Amy Schumer has to be one of them. Her bit about the Diva Cup was hilarious. What was that? What? I said her bit about the Diva Cup was hilarious. Thank you. I rest my case. I rest my fucking

case. Amy Schumer fan. Jesus Christ. She a little bit thick, your girl? In all the right areas. What? In all the right areas. In all the right areas.

You know what that means. Alright. Give it up for Sarah. Give it up for Eric Vegas. We're going to change directions here. All right. Give it up for Sarah. Give it up for Eric Vegas. We're going to change directions here. Thanks, everybody. Good night. Eric, thank you.

That was a lot of fun, pal. Your girlfriend not liking me made it very interesting. I actually like that a lot. That's hilarious. Did the math on it. You see me do the fucking math? It's Amy Schumer fans. They hate me.

Very rare. Your odds of finding an Amy Schumer fan in Texas are the same odds of finding a half Mexican, half Arab gay man. Her bit about... she lost me at her bit about. Blank. Alright, we having fun out there?

Clearly anything can happen. It's a special episode. I like this episode. Pulled another name out. Looks real to me. Make some noise for Logan Taylor, everyone. Logan Taylor. Oh, hell yeah.

Oh, hell yeah. This is gonna be good. Come on, everybody. Make some fucking noise right now. I have a mustache. Yes, it does smell like cheese tacos. Thank you, Texas.

I had a really awkward experience with an ex-girlfriend one time. We decided to have a threesome with her future wife. It's fucked with me ever since. I don't even know if this Adderall is really messing with me either. I might have a drinking problem.

This whole state has a drinking problem. This whole state has a drinking problem. I'm not from Texas. I'm actually from Montana, which is the Texas of the North, and Southern Canada. Thank you, everybody. Absolutely.

Logan Taylor. I love it, man. Great delivery, great look, great performance, everything. Right down the barrel. Incredible. Thank you. How are you, man? Doing good.

You feel good after that? Dude, I'm... Those Adderalls are fucking with me. Oh, wow. Yeah, you're shaking as fuck. Yeah. You're like Michael J. Fox. How much Adderall have you had? 40 milligrams.

Wow. My goodness. First time I've ever taken it. He is... He is a little Parkinson's-y, right? You are. You're like Michael J. Foxworthy. It's a comedian.

Shaky comedian with a mustache. Yeah, this dude's like Teddy Roosevelt with Parkinson's, dog. He looks like Yosemite Spam. It's pretty fucking wild This dude looks like multiple characters From the board game Guess Who That is mind-boggling You are an extreme character

So you had some alcohol tonight? Some Adderall? Yep What made you take the Adderall? My friends gave it to me. Do you do it often? Do you do Adderall a lot? Literally the first time I've ever taken it in my life. Literally the first time you've ever done it.

Do you do other uppers ever? Uh, cocaine. You do that? Wow. A lot of cocaine fans in this room. Wow, that was a very special clap you did there, Israel Adesanya. Style bender. Look at that.

That is a sturdy mustache you have hanging from that face. EST 2012. It's a what? It's been established in 2012. Wow. It looks like one side of your mustache is normal and the other side looks like it's on Adderall. That was because of the hand.

My goodness gracious. T-Switch. Yeah, this dude looked like the cartoon Garfield was a person. Jim? It's like everything about them. Absolutely doodly. My goodness gracious. So stand up.

How long have you been doing it? I tried to host an open mic once in Montana and it failed completely, but this is pretty much my first time. Wow, look at that. Very good. Very, very good. We'll call it your first time. How, look at that. Very good. Very, very good. We'll call it your first time.

How old are you? 31. 31. What do you do for work? I make pasta for Japanese people. Pasta for Japanese people. My goodness gracious. What do you call that?

You don't call it pasta, do you? It's literally just making noodles. You make noodles? You make noodles? You boil noodles? Well, I'm in charge of putting them in a box, but yes. So it's hard noodles. Pasta manufacturing. Right.

Right, so it's dry, the pasta. Correct. What do you put over your mustache when you're doing that? Beard net. Oh, so you fit in with all the other Japanese people. You're wearing a surgeon's mask while at work. Asian people love those surgeon

masks. Absolutely. My god, you are an interesting character. T-Switch. This dude. He looked like Wilford Brimley after he got out of the pool and cocooned. Yo, that's specific, but it's true as hell, dog. Such a weird one.

Wow. So what do you do for fun? Hobbies, special things you do up in Montana? You look like the kind of guy that cuts firewood or something like that? No. What do you do for fun?? You look like the kind of guy that cuts firewood or something like that? No. What do you do for fun? I don't do any of that.

I sit at home. I smoke weed. I drink beer. And you smoke weed and what? Drink beer. Right. What do you like to do after you do that? You ever do anything interesting like dig a hole oruck on dry erase markers for fun.

I have sex with milfs. Milfs. Oh, look at that. So you could call that a milf mustache. It's a powerful Joel Burke chant happening. My goodness, how many MILFs have you been with? Just two. Just two. You're allowed up to five.

Look at that. Are these your friends' moms? Where are you finding these moms at? They're all from work. All from work. Are they all Asian? Asian MILF doesn't count, by the way. That's not a real MILF.

There's no sun damage or anything. No, there's no... No, there's no actual Asian MILFs. But I do work. They're not Asian, or they are? They're not Asian. I don't They're not. They're not. They're not Asian. I don't really work with Asians all that much, but I do have someone that I worked with before,

and I recognized that I fucked his mom because she has portraits of her kids as tramp stamps. Shut the fuck up. I'm not even fucking kidding. She actually literally had, I saw his signature on a piece of paperwork one day and it all came rushing back. I was like, what the fuck? Because she has her kids' face right above her ass cheeks

and then... Did you come on those kids? Yeah. Did you? No, you came inside of her, didn't you? Wow, look at that. Yo, man, that's an intentional foul, dog. My goodness gracious. Wow, the MILF man over here making a special delivery.

My goodness. So if you had to guess the age of the oldest MILF that you've been with, what would be the number that you guess? It's okay. It was 45, and that was the most recent. 45, that's the most recent one. What do you think it is about these older women that you like? What draws you to the MILF?

You can bust inside of them. Wow, that's what you're into. Wow. Look at that. This dude go hard in the fourth quarter. That's right. Fuck yeah, man. You love putting

pasta in boxes, don't you? Fuck yeah, man. You love putting pasta in boxes, don't you? Wow, that is so interesting, man. Well, I mean, your first time on stage, fun interview, fun set, you have a great look. You should restart that open mic, man, just because the first one was a failure doesn't mean shit.

The first ever Kill Tony had four audience members. A few comedians were there. Very, very few. Barely enough to have a whole show. Two of the audience members were there because they thought it was another show that was a different thing.

Nobody knew what the fuck was going on, but we kept doing it. You just got to keep doing it and things grow. Things get bigger and better. Thank you. You'll get better. The show will get better. The audience will want to come back.

If you build it, they will come. And by come, I mean inside of an old lady. Appreciate it. There he goes, Logan Taylor, everyone. Oh, this guy's getting a standing O from some people over here. Oh, a bunch of milfs. Is that Team Montana? All right.

This is cool. I believe we know this young lady. I believe she's been on a couple episodes of this show. Make some noise for Angel Pitts, everyone. Angel Pitts, everyone. Angel Pitts. Yeah, here she is. It's Angel Pitts, everyone. One more time for Angel, everybody.

Hey, y'all. I'm here, y'all. What's crack-a-lackin' this motherfucker? What's up? So a little bit about myself. I'm mixed, all right? I ain't black enough for black people. I ain't white enough for you folks. And I'm a disgrace to Asians all over

because they don't like the interracial shit. But I'm real cool with my mom, right? Like we this close. She called me up, she says, hey baby, how you doing? And I'm like well you got with a black guy so it's kind of hard for me to do my hair and shit but I'm gonna keep it moving though it helped me get the bitches I'm married hell yeah to a woman and I think the real reason why I never had a real boyfriend is God built me like a football player.

I never heard no man say, damn, ma. You looking good with them broad ass shoulders on you. Boom. Angel pits. Keep that microphone. You're going to need that. There you go. What's up, bro?

What's up? What's happening? Is this your second or third time on Kill Tony? Second. Second time ever. I remember you being on before. Can't forget. A girl like Angel Pits.

Yeah. What's up, man? What's up, what's up? You're exactly what I love about this show, is someone that gets better since the last time we saw you. You're talking about your real life, real stuff, again, that only you can talk about. Everything's about you.

That's beautiful. How long ago was it last time you were on? Was that November 2018 here in San Antonio? No, actually it was in West Hollywood 82 weeks ago in 2018. Did you say 82 weeks ago? I love that. This shit, I know it. You're goddamn right.

Yeah. Actually, Jeremiah and his buddy, they were like British shoulders and I was like super happy and I was like, damn, this is lit. Yeah, you were at the world famous comedy store. Absolutely.

I was super happy because I saw your stand-up years ago and I was like, This is lit. Yeah. You were at the world famous comedy store. Absolutely. I was super happy because I saw your stand up years ago and I was like, damn, I love that guy. And then I moved to LA and saw you. I was fucking stoked, man. Right. You saw my stand up. You weren't like, no, go without me, Houston boyfriend, fucking computer nerd.

You weren't like Sarah at all. I love you, man. Right. So you have a good sense of humor. Yeah, I do. You're goddamn motherfucking right you do. Fucking funny. Angel, you said you're mixed with what?

Cabbage Patch Kid? That is a good one. Heck yeah. It's either Cabbage Patch or Sour Patch. I'm not It's either cabbage patch or sour patch. I'm not exactly sure. It's somewhere in the middle there. It's patchy. So you got married since the last time we've seen you.

Where'd you meet your wife at? San Marcos. San Marcos. Is that here in Texas? Yeah, Texas State. Go Bobcats! Eat them up! Eat them up!

Go cats! Wow, you like the Bobcats. The last comedian liked Cougars. Wow. So where were you guys doing? Where'd you meet her at? You were walking down the Rainbow Crosswalk on Main Street?

Nah, I was helping her with her work and I was like, hey, you like chips? And she was like, yeah. And then she ate all of them and I was like, that's the one. Hell yeah. Heck yeah. Where were the chips located of them. And I was like, that's the one. Hell yeah. That's the one. Heck yeah. Where were the chips located at? Yeah.

Were they in your little fucking tortilla bowl? Oh, no, no, no. They were Lay's potato chips. You just can't have one. Oh, shit. God damn. Wow. Look at that.

So then what did you guys do when you first hung out? We went to a basketball game. Wow, you're officially a lesbian. That is true. That is the most, even the lesbian. Hey, thumbs up on that one. Fuck yeah. Was it a WNBA game?

No, it was actually just a regular basketball game. Right, that's the gateway. That's what we call that. That's it. Was it a Spurs game? No, it was a Bobcat game. Bobcat game. Okay, cool. Very cool. That's what we call that. That's it. Was it a Spurs game? No, it was a Bobcat game. Bobcat game. Okay, cool.

Very cool. And then what happened? Where did you go after that? You guys hooked up? We ate some food. Yeah, that too. And then, so how does that go down? I'm always interested in how a lesbian relationship starts.

Are you the alpha, or is she sort of like the... I look like the alpha, but she's actually running shit. She's cool. Do you know Sarah? How do I know Sarah? We always say, hey, we saw you all the time at the comedy store. At the comedy store. Yeah, I was checking her out and shit.

I was like, hold up, wait a minute. I was checking her out? Yeah. Wow, it's always interesting when people bring this up. People think that if I look at their girl one time that I'm like, oh, shit. Tony's interested. Yeah, you know me and those alpha lesbians.

We just can't. Once we make eye contact once, it's on like Donkey Kong. You know what I'm saying? Another thumbs up. Thank you. Hell yeah. When she's proud of you,

does she say, yes Yas Queen Latifah? I love it. So Angel, what do you do for work? Right now, I'm a busser at Sushi Zushi on Colonnade. Wow, that's a lot of information. Why don't you just give us your social security number while you're at it? Well, if they like sushi. They need to come over. Give me the tip. You feel me?

Absolutely. Jesus Christ. What was that? You work at a sushi restaurant, so we know it's authentic. Jesus, yeah. That way you always have an excuse for smelling like fish. Yeah, you want to smell me? No, I don't.

I get a feeling you're not called Angel Pitts because of your smell. Probably Devil Pitts would be more like it. Hell yeah. Angel, you have any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy that you like to do? Or any fun hobbies or anything like that? Actually, no. This is my dream, dude. I'm going to keep doing this until I'm like you, dude.

Abso-fucking-lutely. How old are you? I'm 23 years old. Wow. Nothing can stop you. That is incredible. So you were at the comedy store basically when you were 21, when you just turned 21. Yeah, you had Malcolm Hatchett there.

Yep. And he was your regular regular and I was there for William Montgomery. Now you have David Lucas. What a nightmare. I've been following you. You're real cool, dude. Very cool. Starting at 21 at the Comedy Store. You've been doing it a lot since then? Yeah. Well, that's the way to get

there. I mean, this is how you do it and just keep fucking talking about you and taking chances, taking risks and doing it continuously. I will. Y'all can catch and just keep fucking talking about you and taking chances, taking risks, and doing it continuously. I will. Y'all can catch me at Jokesters on Thursdays in the South Alamo Street, dude.

Absolutely. Catch her at Jokesters on Thursdays. That's a way to support a local Kill Tony talent right there. She's on social media at Weird Hippie with three Ps. How about one more time for Angel Pitts, everybody? Hell yeah. Angel Pitts. What a sweetheart. What a sweet, sweet girl. I like her.

The rare, likable, nice lesbian, everybody. No, not that one. I love it. How fun. That's a blank one. Here we go. Oh, Jesus Christ.

This guy has been on this show quite a few times. He follows us all the time when we're in Texas. He has created quite the name for himself on this show. Always interesting. Make some noise for Nicky, everybody. Uh-oh. Here he comes. Nicky.

Right when you think no one else could possibly flirt with Tony tonight. Here comes someone that I see peeking through my window sometimes. Nicky, everybody. One more time for Nicky, everyone. What's up, San Antonio? So I had the craziest dream yesterday. I woke up,

I was in a hotel room, and I was laying in bed like this. And I look at the foot of the bed, and I see laying in bed like this. And I look at the foot of the bed, and I see Joe Rogan. And he turns around, and he goes, Hey, man, pull out that sweet Italian sausage. I'm going to suck that. So I just lay there, and I let Joe do his thing.

I rub his head like the top of a basketball. He purrs like a kitty. And then I look to my left, and I'm looking in the eyes of a sweet supple man named Tony Hinchcliffe. And Tony comes over to my ear, and he whispers, and his mustache tickles my earlobe. And he goes, hey, I want to show you some slop top. All right, I won't finish it, but... Jesus, Nicky. My God. That was just the gayest thing that I've seen all night.

Oh, come on. I saw the sound guy kiss Ishmael on the cheek. Man, it's crazy, man. Power forward means power bottom. Hell yeah. So, Nicky, welcome back. You're one of our favorite little Texas gay people that have ever been on this show. Always interesting.

Always compelling. You shrug like that's shocking to you after you say that you had a dream with Joe Rogan and I and it tickling you with our mustache. Fuck yeah. Alright. Is that what you planned on talking about here tonight? A little bit. If you got pulled out of the bucket? No, I had something else, but I just wanted to go with the...

Hey, we have word that Joe Rogan is calling in right now. He has some notes for you. He's like half of a lighter and thinking you're a dragon. Oh, wow. Look at that. It's actual Joe Rogan.

Joe, what did you think about his performance here tonight, Joe? Oh, wow. Wow, honey. Okay. Is there anything you'd like to say to Joe Rogan? He's on the fucking thing right now. Joe, just can I be on your podcast, please?

Let's see what Joe has to say about this. I'm going to like slushing guys' fuck, and I'll show you a crazy bitch that's going to burn your house down. Oh, wow. Look at that joke. My goodness. I think that's a no, Nicky. Well, it keeps coming.

So what's been going on in life, Nicky? You have a boyfriend or something like that? What's shaking? Yeah, you know that. We're doing good. Actually, Saturday is going to be our one-year anniversary. Oh, my goodness. What are you guys going to do? What are you going to celebrate?

What are you going to shove up your ass? Probably cake and then eat it out. Oh, and crafty gay dudes. Yeah. There it is. There it is. Wow. So one year with this guy.

So what does that mean? What's that like? Don't gay guys, aren't the relationships a little bit faster. Isn't there like a quicker turn over there? You have to hold it by the microphone. Stop holding the wire part. Get your right hand. There you go. Is that good? Yeah. It sounds like it. Right here. All right, Joe. Settle down, Joe. All right. So, Joe.

Settle down, Joe. All right. So, Nicky, what else has been going on since the last time you've been on this show? What else has been going on? So, recently I had to pull my gun on somebody. Wow. You mean a pistol? Like a fucking, yeah, my 1911 Sig Sauer.

Wow, I would have guessed an A-Gate 47. I don't know. Gay gun jokes as fast as you can come up with. Anybody do better? .357 Magnum condom. Hey, that's good. That's a good one. I like it. What kind of gun was it, Nicky? It's a good one. I like it.

What kind of gun was it, Nicky? It's a... A Tommy gun. Oh, my God. Seriously, though. An assault rifle. Yes! Yeah, fuck it.

What was it? It's a Sig Sauer. I shot my load gun. What happened? What was going on? Tell us why you pulled the gun out. It was just crazy. I was coming home from... You seem like you don't ever pull out at all

anytime. Never, but in this case I did. So I was coming home from dinner after work. I had dinner with my boyfriend. And I was coming home, and I live in Dallas, and I have an alleyway behind my condominium buildings. And there was a car that was stopped, and I'm like, you know, what the fuck is this guy doing?

I'm laying on the horn. I was actually on the phone with my mom, and I'm like, there's, what the fuck is this guy doing? I'm laying on the horn. I was actually on the phone with my mom and I'm like, there's this fucking asshole in front of me and you could tell that he was like reaching over and, you know, doing something. But normally when you land, somebody, you know, they'll do one of these or some shit like that. So I was like, I'm going to get the fuck out of the car and confront this person. So I grabbed my gun. Make the story a little bit longer. Alright, fucking Jesus Christ. So I grab my gun. Make the story a little bit longer. Alright, fucking Jesus Christ. So I grab the gun,

I knock on his window, he jumps out of the car, it happened to be a black dude in Timberlands, and he was fucking serious, so I had that fucking thing out. Draught, safety job. Oh my god, look how gay you hold your gun. Put your hands up. Get out of here.

Get the fuck. Get the fuck. Get the fuck. Face down, ass up now. This guy learned how to shoot a gun on Charlie's Angels or something like that. So then I shot the black guy and the gun went pew pew

pew. So I bust the cap in his ass. Whatever. Oh, my God. Wow. Pull it out again. Show us how you did it again. Show us.

Oh, no, don't show it. It'll be funny. Right in his face. So you're allowed to carry a gun around here? It's legal to carry it in your car and you should if you live in Texas because it's the greatest state in America. I agree.

By the way, I seriously agree. I come to Texas every three weeks now. It's ridiculous. I fucking love Texas. It's good shit. It's good shit. You can pull guns on people. I agree. I'm a little bit... I lean a lot farther right than people think since the shape of my voice and head and everything and how much I weigh.

But I am one of the most more conservative people that I know in Los Angeles. And if it was up to me, I'd move to Texas in a fucking heartbeat. Not just because of the gun thing, a lot of reasons, but I like it. But unfortunately, you can't be one of the top young rising comedians in the world out here.

What's your favorite thing about Texas? Well, really, it's just pretty much everything. It's like real people, the food, the land. You can have, you know, it's easy to get around, crazy freeway systems that actually work. The most beautiful women in the world.

In the whole wide world. Yeah. There's a lot going on for Texas. It's just sort of like a cooler, it's just not as uppity as California tends to be. Yeah, LA's a little kind of... Not everybody thinks that the fucking world is ending. Not everybody's crying and watching Saturday Night Live and fucking...

Very few Amy Schumer fans out here. I realized that in your story, the guy being black and wearing Timberlands had nothing to do really with anything. Yeah, that was scary. Because he was black. No, because if he was like a shrimpy dude, I'd be like, hey, I'd keep the gun still right here. But, man, he was ready.

I find it interesting. It's one of the things you can always tell. Like, gay guys are so interesting, right? Because you said Timberlands before he even stepped out of the car. So that means you knocked on the window and you're like, what kind of shoes do you wear? Oh, fuck, Timberlands before he even stepped out of the car. So that means you knocked on the window and you're like, what kind of shoes do you wear? Oh, fuck, Timberlands. It's getting serious.

See, you know what I mean. No. Yeah, you would do the same fucking thing. No, I'm saying that that's what you did. That's not what I would have done. I would have gone around him in the alleyway. But of course, you trying to rear end the fucking guy.

All right, Nicky, we did it again. How many times have you been on this show? Four or five times? This is number four, man. I'm coming tomorrow. Heck yeah. No one knows more about a comeback than you do, Nicky. There he is again.

Nicky, everybody. Nicky Dallas. Thank you, San Antonio. We love you, Nicky. Fun times. There he goes. What do you guys think? Go to the bucket one more time, huh? Okay. Okay.

Lady. Lady. Lady. Somebody pull a gun on that lady. Lady. Lady. Somebody pull a gun on that lady. Lady. Oh, shit. Lady, you're unbearable. Stop yelling shit. Especially during people's sets. It's disruptive.

Makes me not like Texas as much as I do. See that? That's how you get them to fucking shape up. Oh my god. Everybody's gonna hate me. Alright. Pulled another name out. Make some noise for Victoria Thompson ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.

Victoria Thompson. Basketball. We're playing basketball. We're playing basketball. We're playing basketball. Here she comes. Victoria Thompson, everyone. Come on in, Victoria. Here she is, your final comedian of the night, Victoria Thompson.

How about them Cowboys? Texans? Texans? So, um... All right, thank you. So my PC friend told me that it was my white privilege that got me out of my speeding ticket. I told her that it was pretty racist of her

to assume that only white people can get blowjobs. Thank you. So Instagram is a great name for a drug dealer who 3D prints his cocaine. Fuck yeah, Victoria Thompson. Shoving about 20 seconds worth of material into a minute. Real tight squeeze you got there, Victoria. Way to make them want it. Way to leave them wanting more. Victoria, how's it going?

We met you in Washington, D.C. Is that correct? I remember that. That's a good memory. Just like this guy right here with the ball cap. Our guy. Our guy Creepy Creeperson. The prophet. Marcus is here.

Yeah. So, Victoria, how's life been going? It's been pretty good. It's okay. It's all right. Just commit to it. It'll work. All right, thank you. Yep, but don't shake it around as much as you can.

Just leave it right there, right in front of your fucking face. Yeah, you're not trying to get out of a ticket. Yeah. Is that true? Did you really blow a cop to get out of a ticket? Well, you know, I tried. But he didn't want you to. He'd rather just give you the warning.

He's like, oh no, I'll just let you off with a warning. Your mouth isn't small enough. Right. Yeah. No one wants to fuck that loose ass mouth. So Victoria, how's life going? Where do you live? North Carolina. North Carolina. North Carolina.

So, did you come here, you flew here for this? For Kill Tony? Very first time flying, actually. Wow, your first time flying and it was for Kill Tony. Look at that. The bucket of destiny has a rhythm to it. Did you have fun flying? Was it scary?

It was so, at first, yeah, like, super scary, but, like, I had a labor or whatever. Like, the first flight, it was, like, super smooth, but, like, going from Tennessee to here in San Antonio was, like, it was great until we were landing. What happened while you were landing? Turbulence from the fucking movies. No, you're okay. That's all very common, Victoria. It's just a little bit of wind. There's a lot that goes

on when you're in something that weighs many tons flying through the air at a fast rate. You got nervous? Did you scream or anything like white trashy like that? Oh, fuck, no! Jesus Christ, this is my first flight! Oh, fuck, I'm

from North Carolina! I just wanted to go to kill Tony! Like that? Yell anything dumb? Did you clap when the plane landed like a fucking real garbage human? Like a real fucking bozo? I'll blow the pilot, I swear!

Just get me out of here. Make me a bird. Let me fly far, far away. I actually played it cool. I knew what the fuck I was doing. And this lady who was sitting next to me, she grabbed my hand. Did she have a picture of her kids tattooed on the bottom of her bag?

I love it. What do you do for work, Victoria? I'm in between jobs. In between jobs. I was working at the state farmer's market. State farmer's market? That's on my top.

That's interesting. That's like a combination of two jobs. Farmer's market and state farm. State farmer's market. We are farmers. Have some guacamole. Oh man, this turbulence is crazy.

Oh fuck. I don't know what's gonna happen. I'm sorry, Victoria. It's just fun to make fun of people from North Carolina. Especially in Texas. You know what I mean? Right? This way you guys get a taste of what it's like making fun of fucking hillbillies

even though it doesn't get any more hillbilly than you. You know what I mean? What are you playing over there, Jeremiah? Hey, there you go. That's great. He knows all the insurance songs. What the fuck? Victoria, this was awesome.

You got up tonight. I just don't feel like this is a way to end an episode, though. I'm going to try to squeeze one more person up here. How about one more time for Victoria Thompson? There she goes. Let's see what happens here. Victoria, awesome stuff. Way to go for it.

Got a little shaken up. Sometimes it's not easy. The pressure. Two flights with a layover. You flew in today, Victoria? You flew in today, Victoria? Flew in today? Yeah, see, that's a little bit out of your element.

Need to rest up a little bit. You going to the shows in Houston? Oh, very cool. All right, we'll see you there. One more time for Victoria Thompson, everybody. Okay, this is it. Your final comedian of the night. You guys ready for this?

Because we can end it now if you guys want to. We can. All right. All right. I just don't want to have you guys out too late. We're going to be doing a meet and greet after this. Ryan J. Ebelt drew specific Texas prints for this run. So if you guys want any, we'll sign them or whatever after this in the lobby area.

Jeremiah brought some merch from his new Jeremiah Watkins merch store. I brought some Tony Hinchcliffe pins. If you want, I could draw a mustache on them with a Sharpie, leave a little space in the middle, whatever you guys want. Anyway, your final comedian of the night will go by the name of Dante Verduzco. Dante Verduzco. Here he comes. He's excited.

Arm up in the air. Jeremiah, make some room for him. Here we go. Come on, people. This is it. Dante Ver in the air. Jeremiah, make some room for him. Here we go. Come on, people. This is it. Dante Verdusco. Do you guys think it's weird for me to close the blinds before I masturbate? Could you help me convince the people at Starbucks? It's bad enough they got my name wrong. I said, call me Daddy, D-A-D-D-Y. Nah, truth be told, I don't like caffeinated drinks.

They remind me too much of my parents. Yeah, you know, like once they hit you, you can't really go to sleep. I don't drink caffeine. I also don't smoke weed. I had to stop. I was smoking too much weed. You know you smoke too much weed when you start ordering ingredients instead of items at the drive-thru window? Like, let me get the chicken with the rice and the beans and the cheese and the tortilla.

They're like, sir, we can't help you with that. Well, why not? This is a free country. Customer's always right. Sir, this is a Wells Fargo motor bank. We're going to have to ask you to put your shirt back on. I got one more. Sure. If you want to go ahead, Dante. Absolutely. In all seriousness, my nephew goes to school not too far from here. And every day, he gets bullied, he gets picked on, he gets his lunch stolen. And I don't even want to imagine what happens to him, you know, after I drop him off. Dante Verdusco, you hold on to that microphone, Dante.

Look at that. The crowd loves you, Dante. Wow. Dante, Dante, Dante. Look at you. Solid, solid set the entire way through. Solid set for such a soft gentleman. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Approximately five years. Five years. All of it here in San Antonio? No, in El Paso. Represent 915. El Paso. Wow. So you made a little drive to come out here, huh? Took a Greyhound bus, 10 hours.

Gonna go back tomorrow. Wow. You're going back to El Paso tomorrow. Fuck yeah. My goodness gracious. El Paso. It wasn't my first time on a Greyhound. First time on a Greyhound. It wasn't. Just in case people were wondering. What was the turbulence like?

Oh my god! Oh, thank god turbulence like? Oh, my God. Oh, thank God. Oh, lady, grab my hand. Anyway, so 10 hours on a Greyhound. My goodness gracious. Wow. So now you know what it was like for your parents who landed in El Paso and were just like, this is good enough.

El Paso. You ever seen El Paso before, Joel? No. It's more Mexican than Mexico. It is literally. Sounds nice. It's literally. Can you drink the water there?

Take it easy, Esteban Curry. Wait, what'd you call him? He's trying to fucking roast me this fuck. What'd you call him? I was on your side, you fuck! Look at this. These Mexicans. Different gangs.

That's what happens. Flour and corn tortilla. That's right. That's right. Two different worlds. Yeah. One's hot, one's mild. One's home, one's mild. One's home, one's away.

I love it. So El Paso, Texas, five years you've been doing stand-up there. And you came here all the way for this, for Kill Tony. That's incredible. Ten hours means you traveled farther than the lady from North Carolina did. That is mind-boggling. That's great. A brown man on a gray hound. Incredible.

Wow. What do you do for work in El Paso? I'm a teacher by trade, but my license expired. So right now I'm just a landlord, property management. Hell yeah. Absolutely. What kind of teaching do you do? Social studies, geography, history. Very good. Very good. Fuck yeah. And your license expired. What do you have to do Fuck yeah. And your license expired. What do you have to do to get that back? Two years. You've got to just reapply. I don't think I want to teach social studies anymore.

I think I want to teach ESL. What's ESL? English as a second language. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Either that or special education. Yeah, special education. Absolutely.

You can learn something from old tiny mouth Jenkins over there. I love it. What do you do for fun? Any hobbies or anything like that we should know about? I like to read, you know, play guitar. I speak Italian. You do speak Italian? Yeah, I have jokes about it.

Can you say something in Italian, something romantic or something like that for the ladies out there? Ladies, really? Oh. Wow. Look at that. God damn. Oh, my God. Wow.

This wetback just made Herman have a wet front. That's incredible. Wow. Look at that. Yeah. T-switch. Yeah. His Italian roughly translates to, I came in my pants the first time I saw you.

My goodness gracious. What did you say to her? What did you say in English? I said, to the windows, to the walls, to the sweat drips down my balls. Wow, look at that. My goodness. Lil Jon from A Big Wand.

Wow. Dante, is there anything else crazy about your life that we should know about before we let you go? No, I taught myself how to read. That's about it. That's it? Yeah. I love it. Well, man, what a way to close an episode. You're an absolute monster. Next time

you make it to a Kill Tony, wherever it is, wherever it may be, hit us up on your way in and we'll give you a minute on us. How about that? Dante Verduzco, ladies and gentlemen. What a way to end an episode.

Did you guys have fun tonight? Alright. Well, we're going to be slinging posters, signing them, taking pictures with you. Make sure you form a decent line. For those of you listening all around the world,

don't forget Calgary, Tempe, Vancouver, Kiltony East, La Jolla, Ventura, Boston and Austin all coming up soon. Nitro, Caveman Coffee, Infinite CBD. Thank you for everything. How about a hand for the one and only Jeremiah Watkins.

T-Switch. He's got a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders Out With the great Pete Holmes He's got those dates that I mentioned earlier He's going to Buffalo, Syracuse, and Albany In the month of February JeremiahWatkins.com Also Tahoe coming up on the 16th

Anything else Jeremiah? Yeah, follow me on social media At JeremiahStandUp And check out my YouTube page YouTube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins Love you Texas Absolutely Guys, you know them.

You love them. The one and only Ludwig's very own Joel Berjol in the Men's House. Can I give a shout out to Yoni Levin from Best Barbecue Show and 2M Smokehouse. They brought us a bunch of delicious food today. It was great. Hell yeah. 2AM. Say it again.

Say it again. Say it again. Get that plug out there clean. You guys all need to try this fucking barbecue. I know you all have your favorite place, but this guy, Best Barbecue. Yeah, Best Barbecue

on Instagram. And you have to spell out barbecue. Best Barbecue, all one word. He brought it from 2M Smokehouse and his name is Yoni Levin.

So thanks a lot. And 2M Smokehouse is in Austin. Is that right? Yes. No, no, no. Here. Here. Here. Wow. a lot. And 2M Smokehouse is in Austin. Is that right? Yes. No, no, no. Here. Here.

Here. Wow. Unbelievable stuff. Get the corn. Get the corn. Yeah. Get everything. The corn, the potato salad, the pickles, fucking the brisket, the meats, the sausage.

So amazing. Everything was incredible. We thank you so much for that. And we thank you guys. Thanks for coming out. We'll see you again next time. Red Band. Guys, thanks a lot.

I love you. Good night for coming out. We'll see you again next time. Red Band. Guys, thanks a lot. I love you. Good night.さあ進むことでまるで一番はなか色に染めます 何かと理由を見つけては ありがたいのです 固まって 固まって なあ 黙って笑ったら黙って黙って黙って ច្រូវាប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បានប់បាន�meme

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