KILL TONY - KILL TONY #428

Episode Date: January 16, 2020

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 01/10/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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of flavor and heat frank's red hot i put. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to all the shows, and if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live. We're at the Comedy Store every Monday at 8 o'clock,

but we're always on the road, so click on Tour Dates to see where we're at next. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own tour dates, like his comedy shows. He also has some merch up there, so check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, that's the house artist. He drew the Kill Tony book. He has a bunch of stuff for sale.

Check out RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We got some Kill Tony shirts over there. We got some Death Squad hats and mugs. Check out shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you from the Secret Group in Houston, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Hetchcliffe. Houston, let's see how loud this place can get all at once. Okie dokie. Very good. Hey, look, everybody. It's Brian Redman. Ah! Holy moly, what energy in this room right now.

Look at this. How exciting. Doing it tonight. We had a fun stand-up show. How many of you were at the stand-up show earlier? That's a good loyal fan base. Some of you just come for the podcast and you're missing out on a bunch of fun. Yeah, losers is right, dude.

Fuck yeah. Thanks, bro. So the fun train continues. Just like you found out probably listening to the podcast, Kill Tony tours all the time. We're back here tomorrow for another sold out Kill Tony here in Houston, which by the way, fun fact,

holds the record for most road shows ever for Kill Tony. Houston is our, I can't explain why. We've been told that we've outgrown this venue, so this might be a couple

of the last shows ever at the secret group. So I'm sorry so I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We've been told that we might have to move to a bigger venue, so be on the lookout for that in the future. But the fun train continues. Kill Tony Calgary coming up with four stand-up

shows in Calgary. I do stand-up on my own in Tempe, Arizona. Kill Tony Vancouver, the 21st, in a giant venue selling out quick. Kill Tony East just announced in Swansea, Massachusetts, right between Boston and Providence. Kill Tony La Jolla, March 5th. Kill Tony Ventura, California, March 12th.

Kill Tony Boston, April 9th, stand-up shows, 10th and 11th, four stand-up shows in Boston. And Kill Tony Austin, April 25th, at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival, Austin, Texas. Yet again, we make our way to beautiful Texas, the United States of America, the best damn country in the world with our great leader, Donald Trump. Am I right, people? He's a cool, badass dude. A cool, badass dude.

Cool, badass dude. Cool, badass. Hey, CBD. Today's episode is brought to you, believe it or not, by Infinite CBD. Infinite CBD is here to help you stick to your New Year's resolution. If you're in the gym and feeling sore, get their Freezing Point Topical Cream.

It's great and easy to use. I love CBD. Like, I have a bad neck from having a bad bed for so long, and I rub it on my neck. Sometimes I'll let Tony rub it on my neck. I do it all the time. I rub it on his neck while vomiting everywhere. He vomits on my ass while he's rubbing it on my neck.

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Infinite CBD works for me and if you go to InfiniteCBD.com, you can see which one of their products is right for you. Go to InfiniteCBD.com and use the code TONY15 to get 15% off your order. That's InfiniteCBD.com. Use the code TONY15 for 15% off. You guys ready to start the show tonight? I think you are. Feels good in here. Powerful. Houston, Texas. As with all of our road

shows, we go guestless on these shows. No reason to bring anybody in. I did hit up my good friend, Houston resident, the great and powerful Ron White, to see if he was in town. However, he wasn't in town, so there's no guests tonight. However, we do have a band on this show, ladies and gentlemen. It's true. That's right. A lot of people like them. Every single episode, they commit to use a room separator made of an extra wooden staircase. So we weren't allowed to look at one part of the green room for the last ten minutes while they got ready. So we don't know. Maybe it's a brand-new character. Maybe it's the return of some great characters that we've seen before in the past on this show.

Let's all find out what they are together, shall we? It's the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Jimenez. Let's see what they are tonight. What? Wow.

Look at this. Very good. Very good. Clearly they are flight attendants. This is very exciting. We do a lot of flying. Oh, Jesus. I'm working on currently getting my private pilot's license,

and this is exciting to be around some real flight attendants. Oh, Jesus. I'm working on currently getting my private pilot's license, and this is exciting to be around some real flight attendants. Oh, gross. Normally, in the type of flying that I do, I don't get normal flight attendants in the back of the airplane, so it's going to be exciting to get to work with a couple tonight. This is the first time you've been on this show, correct? Of course. Wow.

Oh. Your stereotypical male flight attendant. Good evening, Captain Hinchcliffe. Hello, hello. Nice to meet you. What's your name, little buckaroony? My name's Gavin, but you can call me whatever you want. Oh, okay.

Wow. Very good. My goodness. I don't even know what to say about. My God, this person looks like they were in one of the planes on 9-11. It's so funny you say that, Tony. I almost was. Oh, really?

Yeah, the name's Daryl. I didn't get to make it because I was blowing it. I mean, I was talking to a pilot. That's so stupid. I was serving him some nuts, if you it. I mean, I was talking to a pilot. That's so stupid. I was serving him some nuts, if you know what I mean. This is your captain speaking. All right. He was ready for takeoff.

You have a little accent on you. Are you from Texas? No. Oh, well, I gave you a real chance to get the audience on your side on that one. I was actually born and raised in Houston. Anybody heard of it? Oh, there you go.

He knows how to do it. That's what an extra decade of improv experience will get you right there. Eat it up, you little gray-haired Mexican. It's actually blonde, you son of a bitch. You have such southern swagger. Where are you from? North Carolina.

Oh, wow. Look at you. Way to get the crowd in a frenzy. I don't need them. Oh, wow. Okay. Watch me win them back, baby. Wow.

You could really tell the ones that weren't coach, am I right? Anyway, we have flight attendants here. We have Red Band Soundboard, which brings me to this. A real bucket of destiny, everybody. Look at that. soundboard, which brings me to this. A real bucket of destiny, everybody. Look at that. Shout out to Candy here in the front who made it. That's a real bucket of destiny. She made sure that we got it. It says destiny on it. It is a bucket. A bunch of people signed up for the chance to get pulled out of it and to come on stage here tonight. If I pull your name out,

you know what that means. You do some form of stand-up comedy, and then we interview you afterwards. I find out more about you and your life, ask you questions. One of the secrets to the show is answering the questions honestly and efficiently so that we can find out real stuff about you. But first comes your 60 uninterrupted seconds. You know your time is up

when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm sorry. I did it again. The angry Montrose bear, everybody. That is right. And the stairs,

the only way to get on the stage is right over there. Yep. There's only one way to do it. So if you're on this side, you have to go back and around and all the way around and up. Do not try to slide up or climb up the front. There's wires. There's fire hazards. Gavin's

telling you all about him doing physical comedy during a live podcast. There you go. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? This is it. Houston, Texas. Back at it again.

And your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Matt Smith. Here we go. And here he comes, Matt Smith, making his way to the stage. Everybody's clearing out so that Matt has a clear pathway. This is very exciting. Here he comes, everybody.

How about one more time, good and loud, for your first comedian of the night, Matt Smith. Howdy, howdy. Okay, that's that feeling. Okay, I don't know if giving squirrels antidepressants would make them more or less suicidal. One time when I was 16, I masturbated with a hot dog in my ass, and it broke. And so I freaked out for about three and a half minutes because I didn't know if I had to tell my parents, who are Christians, Baptists, that their son was masturbating with a hot dog in his ass

because I thought I had to go to the hospital. It turns out you could just sit on the toilet and it pops out like a bottle rocket. You could squeeze. Speaking of butts and stuff, I think cheeseburger farts should be called mustard gas. That's my time. That's all I got. There you go. 52 seconds.

52 seconds from Matt Smith. Thanks. How you doing, Matt? I'm good. Nervous, but good. A little bit nervous. Yeah. Hell yeah. Where are you from? Here? Yeah, I'm from here. I'm from like the southeast side. What's that called? What's the southeast side called? Seabrook. Seabrook?

Oh, look at that. There's an owl I hear. A lot of owls down there this time of year, right? I don't know. Anyway, first time doing stand-up? Yes. There you go. First time doing stand-up comedy.

The goat of the first time. We could tell. We could tell. We could tell. So, hot dog in your ass. Is that true? Yes. Was it a...

Is this a cooked hot dog, a cold hot dog, a frozen hot dog? It was cold. It was cold, like refrigerated cold? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah. And how much hot dog were you able to get up there? I got about three-fourths before it broke.

What? Before it broke. Did you use the hot dog juice to lubricate it at all? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, that's exactly what happened, but I didn't actually know that the butthole was so dry because I was like just a horny 16-year-old. I don't know.

Show us with your fingers how much hot dog until it broke. How much what? How much hot dog made it into your asshole before it broke? Wow, that's almost a full hot dog until it broke? How much what? How much hot dog made it into your asshole before it broke? Wow, that's almost a full hot dog, dude. Yeah, almost. Was that the... Go ahead, Gavin.

So you're telling me you put a cold hot dog up your butt. You raw dogged yourself. Yeah. Yes, sir. That is true. Yes, sir. Yeah. That is true. That is true. Yes, sir. Yeah. That is true.

That is technically a raw dog. Was this hot dog kosher or uncircumcised? You're goddamn right, Joelberg. You're goddamn right, Joelberg. So, Matt, was this the first thing you ever shoved up your butt? You broke the seal with a fucking cold hot dog? Yeah, well, no. I bought a... Yeah. I was gonna

say, you had to work your way up there a little bit. What did we start out with? Some fucking Cheez-Its or something like that? Like a mini carrot? From the horndog to the corndog. No, no, no. It just started with the hot dog and then years later I bought a strap-on.

Oh, wow. We are clear for takeoff, honey. You bought a strap-on and used it on yourself? What did you strap it on to? No, no, no. A hot dog? No, my girlfriend at the time. Your girlfriend put it on to? No, no, no. A hot dog? No, my girlfriend at the time. Your girlfriend put it on?

Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, she didn't really know. I just kind of did it and I was like, hey, are you down with this? And she was like, sure, I guess. She broke up with you immediately after this, right? No, actually we're engaged. Oh, really? Yeah. Look at that, Brian. What can I say?

Yeah, Brian, maybe if you shoved a few more hot dogs up your ass instead of your mouth. I've always wanted to. I've actually always wanted to try that. Like, I've always wanted to put a little lipstick on the end of it and shoot it out of my ass and kiss somebody on the cheek so it looks like a baby kissed him. That's cute. I like that. Wow. Red Band testing out his new minute of stand-up here tonight.

Old minute. Wow. So, Matt, how long have you been engaged for? How long have you been with this girl? We've been together for seven years, engaged like a year now. Wow, that's so cool. What do you do for work? I clean pools.

You clean pools? Yes, sir. Jesus Christ. Oh, this is all sounding like a porno thing. Are you sure you don't make them dirtier? Hey, no, no. Well, we do know he loves the deepno thing. Are you sure you don't make them dirtier? Well, we do know he loves the deep end. You know what I'm saying? Hey.

Hell yeah. Hell yeah. My God. You're far from the shallow now indeed, my little friend. How long you been cleaning pools for? About a year and a half. Year and a half. Heck yeah. Working your way up. What'd you do before cleaning

pools? I worked at a pet shop and I was a manager of... Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What happened there? You got in trouble for shoving salamanders in your ass? No, no, no, no, no, no. Bunch of hamsters went missing. Your Richard Geere started turning.

That's right. Has anybody ever told you you look like Dave Grohl with a hot dog fetish? No, I haven't. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We're not poo fighters. Wow. So now, is the dildo like a thing that you use all the time on your ass?

No, no, no, no I thought it'd be cool But I don't know It's not a It's more exciting just thinking about it You ever get confused and put the dildo on a hot dog bun And put ketchup and mustard on it? I might nibble

I might take a nibble You ever go to Minute Maid Park and get hard and you don't know why? That's right. I know it's called Minute Maid Park. Look at that. That's right. I'm coming back at the end of the month for the Royal Rumble, you motherfuckers. Very exciting stuff, man.

Is there anything else we should know about you? Any fun facts about Matt Smith? I mean, look, guns a-blazin'. We found out about the hot... Oh, man. Is there anything else we should know about you? Any fun facts about Matt Smith? I mean, look, guns a-blazin'. We found out about the hot... Oh, yeah, go ahead. Well, whenever I... For the engagement, we went to Corpus Christi, and we went and we started...

You shoved a hot dog up the Selena statue's ass. No. I should've. I will not stand for that. I should've. You do not disrespect our fucking godmother like that. She would have loved that. I didn't hear you, but you shut up, Brian Redman.

So what did you do for this engagement? You went to Corpus Christi? No, we actually went to where Selena got murdered at the hotel. Wow. What a great date. Oh yeah, then we went to the graveyard and saw her site then we saw the memorial and then I asked her to or then we went to the hotel

then I asked her the question you asked her to marry you after seeing all the places where Selena got murdered and then her grave site and you're like this is it bitty bitty bang bang you know what I'm saying my god yeah wow that's interesting shit But bitty, bitty, bang, bang. You know what I'm saying? My God. Yeah.

Wow. That's interesting shit. Yeah. And she said yes. Yes, sir. That's all that matters, right? That's what I'm saying. So why all the Selena stuff before popping the question?

Just because she got murdered. Yeah, but that's it. There's nothing really to it. I don't listen to her music or anything But it just seemed like a cool idea And your girlfriend took that And was like, you know, this is the most romantic time ever Like, yes, I want to marry you

Something's wrong with this girl, I think Well, I mean It could go both ways Oh, we know you go both ways, my friend Alright, there he goes Getting the party started, Matt Smith, everybody know you go both ways, my friend. All right, there he goes, getting the party started. Matt Smith, everybody. Here we go.

He's on social media at Radiant Creep. All one word. All one word, Radiant Creep. This looks like a fun name. Let's see what happens here. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Fluffy Ray, everybody. Fluffy Ray.

Where's Fluffy at? Maybe you could shoot out that little spotlight thing that goes around like you did the one time there. Something like that. Yeah, let's see if we have him. Is that Fluffy over there? I think we got movement from Fluffy. Is that Fluffy? Fuck yeah, think we got movement from Fluffy. Is that Fluffy?

Fuck yeah, people. Make room for Fluffy Ray. Keep coming, Fluffy. Keep coming, buddy. You got it, pal. Keep coming, Fluffy. This guy walks sideways. What the fuck is he doing?

Who the fuck walks like that? Oh, okay. I see what's up. Make some noise for Fluffy Ray, everybody. Sure. There you go. What is he doing? Who the fuck walks like that? Oh, okay, I see what's up. Make some noise for Fluffy Ray, everybody. Sure, there you go, Fluffy Ray. Fluffy Ray, Hey, guys. So, actually, some of my friends wanted me to just tell you all a story.

There's this one time where I actually, well, kind of successfully completed a front flip. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. I don't know if y'all are familiar with Porter, Texas. Anyways, ever since I was 18, I rode a motorcycle and I got T-boned by this person on her. Yeah, I know, I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. But anyways, I got T-boned by this person on her... Yeah, I know, I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. But anyways, I got T-boned by a Mustang, and I did a front flip. I ended up breaking both my legs. But anyways, that's not really the fun, fun stuff.

So I'm kind of off right now. So I flipped. And since we're still on the Harry Potter thing, I was, uh... I was just staring at the sky. Hagrid, mutilated body on the ground. And I was just waiting for the Dementors to come take me. Basically, there was oncoming traffic,

and they had to swerve, and they missed me, and I'm here now, But I'm still up. Fuck yeah, Fluffy Ray, everybody. There we go. That was a minute. Time flies when you're having fun, Fluffy. Heck yeah. So let's talk about your brain damage from this accident.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go. Let's do this. How's it going? First time doing stand-up? Kind of, yeah. Kind of, yeah. You did it a bunch before the accident? That's what ended up happening, yeah.

That's what happened? What kind of Mustang hit you? A car or the animal? It was a 96 Ford Mustang. 96 Ford Mustang. It was an old car. How many hot dogs fell out of your ass when this happened? So I'm like... He wants to shove Ford Mustang. How many hot dogs fell out of your ass when this happened?

So I'm like... He wants to shove the hot dog up his ass. He just doesn't know that he did it. It's still there. He sat on it at a barbecue. That's what happened. What? It was about five of them. That happened?

Yeah, I think I shit myself when I hit the ground. Oh. It's possible. Okay. I don't think you know what successfully landing a front flip means. Oh, you're right. Also, you ordered a T-bone during this? Heck yeah.

So, Fluffy, I love it. You're from here in Houston? I'm from San Antonio. Oh, okay. Oh, look at that. Alright. People are booing other cities here. People that, by the way, look like they've never played a sport in their fucking life.

Cheering for other cities. I love it. So San Antonio, you made the drive here today. No, no, no, no. I live in Houston. I live in a city called Cut and Shoot. You ever heard of it? Called Cut and Shoot? Cut and Shoot. Cut and Shoot. Wow. What the fuck?

What are you talking about here? What's that city known for? There's nothing there. It's all country. There's nothing there. Just you. I love it. I love it, Fluffy.

I noticed you were walking sideways the entire way up to the stage. Unfortunately, yeah. So are all comedians named Fluffy 400 pounds? So the thing is, in 2007, I got to chill with Gabriel Iglesias. He's the DMV Team Fluffy captain of Houston, and it kind of stuck. You got to chill with him, or was it a walk-in freezer? It's at an ice cream shop. I love it.

Fluffy, what do you do for work? Currently, I'm unemployed. I'm looking for work. I'm doing Lyft on the side. Previous to that, I was an account manager. Doing Lyft? Yeah. Lyft on the side is also how you got up on stage.

Wow. I love it, man. Very interesting. What do you got over there, Joel? He's holding onto that microphone a little bit longer than usual. What do you got? I was going to ask if lift is short for forklift because he lifts a lot of forks. That was a crazy thing, actually.

When I was in the hospital, they couldn't actually lift me up. Then I weighed 100 more pounds. Operated on the floor? So how did they get you in there? They had an airbed that inflated under me, and they moved me like I was on a hover table. Oh, my God. It was really crazy. Nothing worse than crying with two broken legs, right?

Yeah. Let's check in with Gavin over there. Yeah, can I just say from where you're standing, I haven't seen Tony or Brian in about three minutes. Hey. Hey. Hey, Gavin. I thought I'd give you, you know. So, Fluffy, how does one get this big? What happened here?

Your mom a good cook or something like that? A lot of huevos rancheros? What's going on here? So, you know. I've never seen someone be Texxamex before but this is exactly what i think is happening here so it's a crazy story uh on top of me not exercising and eating whatever the hell i want when i was a kid they had this actual experimental uh formula my mom was actually spoiled i was i was never breastfed as a baby it's really sad talk right into the

fucking end of that i'm so fucking sorry it's all good i wasn't breastfed as a baby is really sad. Talk right into the fucking end of that microphone. I am so fucking sorry. There you go. It's all good. I wasn't breastfed as a baby. You weren't. No, my mom was spoiled. So I had this formula, and it was made with mostly whey. And it comes out that way. Whey like the protein? The whey of the milk, yeah.

Can't spell huevos without whey. Yeah. So all the babies on this test formula ended up plumping up, and I just decided to stay that way. Gavin, so now do you pay it forward, and you breastfeed other children? I try. It doesn't work out.

My goodness gracious. I learned from Peter Griffin on Family Guy. Whoa. Some lady wants to see him. So I was actually thinking about doing that. Some lady wants to see him. I was actually thinking about doing that. Some lady wants to see him. I don't know, though. I don't really want to see his tits.

I think I'm more interested in how much change we could fit in his belly button. Anybody else? No, I heard about that. You don't want to do that? No, I got diabetes, man. I can get an infection, and I end up having to go to the hospital. You have diabetes? Oh, yeah.

Go figure, right? Really? Yeah, I get infections. You're afraid of getting an infection. Exactly. All right, well, we're afraid of you getting an infection, too. Let's check in with Gavin. Okay, if you're not down for change in your belly button,

would you be down for a good old-fashioned fisting? All right. What makes something good old fashioned fisting? Well, I take my glove off, I slap you in the face and go, hey, equal rights. And then I... No, that's too old fashioned for me.

I'm sorry. Fluffy, you have a girlfriend? I have a wife. Oh, how long have you been married for? Over a year. Yeah, what does she do? She is a substance abuse counselor for Harris County. Oh.

That's the first time I've ever sneezed in the history of Kill Tony right there. That's weird. Wow, that was very bizarre. I'm having an allergic reaction to you, Fluffy Ray. It happens. I guess so. Very exciting. There must be pollen in the air from all the, I don't Ray. It happens. I guess so. Very exciting. There must be pollen in the air

from all the, I don't know. Punch your lips. So stupid. All right, Fluffy. It's all the dust coming off his shirt. It's a big shirt, man. It's a big shirt. It's a blanket. What did you do, whack it against the fence to clean it, man? I could fly away on that thing

right now, man. All right, Fluffy. Well, fun stuff, man. Congratulations. You got up tonight. You got through it. You know, you got to punch up these stories a little bit. Definitely.

A minute went by super fast. I didn't even get to the part where I had to take my medicine through my nose. It was insane. Oh, you did? Yeah. So when I got into the accident, I was so swollen they couldn't give me an IV. So they gave me morphine intranasally and it was like

instant gratification. Wow, I bet. Would you like more morphine up your nose or a slice of cake before bed? Both of them will put me to sleep. Aren't you scared that the swelling still hasn't gone down yet?

There he goes Fluffy Ray ladies and gentlemen Alright Wow You should probably wait till you call the next name because there's a roadblock right now Yeah exactly That eye always looks like Wow. You should probably wait until you call the next name because there's a roadblock right now. Yeah, exactly. That eye always looks like Fluffy Ray's arteries right now.

It is slow moving. Everything's a little bit slower here in Texas. Ooh, French lavender soy blend candle. I told you HomeSense has good gift options. Hmm, well, I don't know. Mom's going to love it. She'll take one sniff and be transported to that anniversary trip you took to San Tropez a few years ago. Forget it.

She complained about her sunburn the whole trip. It's only $14. $14? Now that's a vacation I can get behind. Deal so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense. Let's see what happens here. James Zachary, everybody, is next on Kill Tony.

Fun show so far. Let's see what happens here. There we go. Yeah, let's see if we got movement. Oh, here he is, James Zachary, everybody Come on, one more time for James Ace Town, put it down I heard that Paul Wall was here last week

I was like scanning everybody before I came in And I can notice that there's a lot of cucks in the crowd this evening. But it's okay. My chick wants to fuck Joe Rogan. It's getting bad. I told her that if she wanted to fuck Joe Rogan, then I was going to fuck one of those girls in one of them YouTube videos. You know, you've seen them.

Them black chicks. And the Uber drivers. Where she's like, you can't drop me off right here. You can't do that. Come on. No, that ain't gonna work. Because if I fucked her, then I knew that she would have those long-ass fingernails that just scratch her across the face, you know? And then I'd be able to get back to her for fucking Joe Rogan. Thanks, Red Band. All right, James Zachary, everybody. Giving it a real effort up here tonight. All right, James, so let's talk about it.

First time ever doing stand-up, right? Yes, James. So let's talk about it. First time ever doing stand-up, right? Yes, sir. Yes, sir? Yes, sir. Very good. All right, James. Cool stuff. You're a fan of the show?

You know how this works? Yes, sir. I do. I love it. You're so polite. You're from here in Houston, born and raised? Just on the north side. On the north side.

All right. What does that mean? What does that mean? What does that mean? Near Alvin? The white trash part. No, Alvin's the south. I know. I don't give a fuck. How old are you? How old are you, James? 28. 28 years old.

And what do you do for work? Blowing crafty gay dudes. That's what you do? You summon Joe Rogan. We've seen this before. When people bring up Joe Rogan during their set, we have, of course, Red Band High, very close with Joe. We have a communication set up

that if anybody says the word Joe Rogan during their set, Joe ends up phoning in. What else do you have to say about this guy, Joe? It starts getting personal. It doesn't matter. He's been a whole lot of time in school school so we just tried to play this to you. What? Oh, my God. Man.

He was eating some elk and jalapenos. He had his mouth full. Yeah, it sounds like he just took a shot of stem cells to his brain on that one. You got that game, Nick. No big deal. What the fuck is that? Oh, my God. All right, let's talk to James for a second.

So James, that set, just as bad as it gets. I mean, really. Like, we know your girlfriend wants to fuck Joe Rogan. Yeah, we all do. Absolutely. Clearly she's into guys that are around your height. So why wouldn't she want to fuck a successful, funny, rich version of you? Powerful, smart, muscular.

I never said that. I blamed her. Right, right. Okay, and then what was the part about the cunts in the room? What does that mean? Cucks. I didn't say cunts.

What did you say? I said cucks. Cucks. Cucks. So why? Why did you say that I said cucks. Cucks. Cucks. So why? Why did you say that? Because I just saw a porn video today of like Snapchat cucks, and it made me think like maybe that would be appropriate.

Where were you when you watched this porn video today? In the bathroom at work. Aha. Very good. Where do you work? He's a bathroom attendant. Where do you work? He's a bathroom attendant. Where do you work? At a Bucky's or something like that?

You getting lucky at the Bucky's? Bucky's can't afford to pay me. I have two children and a house. I can't do it. Bucky's can't afford to pay you. You get more unlikable each second that goes on, James. So what do you do for work? What bathroom did you jerk off at?

I work on trucks. You work on trucks, but Buc-ee's can't afford to pay you. All right. What do you do with trucks? What do you do? Are you the guy that staples the nuts to the back of them? Staples? Oh, man, I got to jerk off all these nuts.

Red band. Nailing it. What do you do with trucks? I feel like you can't even get inside of one. They make steps for that, Tony. Come on. All right. Thank you, James.

What do you do with trucks? What do you do for work with trucks? Your job that you do every day. Most days of the week you do a job. You said it's with trucks. What do you do with trucks? The trucks that you work with. At the place that employs you.

There's something you do. What is it? I attend to the lot lizards. Are you sure you work with trucks? You look like you work security at a Sum 41 concert. All right, James. How long have you been with your girlfriend for? Twelve and a half years. Wow, that's a long time.

Where'd you meet at, Warped Tour? My goodness gracious. I can't get her to go to a concert with me. It's terrible. James. Jesus. James, James, James. You've been breathing in too many truck fumes, my little friend.

You've got carbon monoxide on your brain. You know it's bad when Fluffy's answering questions faster than you are. Do you call your girlfriend's vagina the pit? I'm confused. Why would he do that? It's a concert term. Oh, yeah, I get it. I get it now. So what does she do for work? Oh, God.

Oh, boy. Jesus, James. At where she works. Her job. She's a cheer coach. She's a what? She coaches cheerleading, you know? Oh, okay.

Yeah, I know what cheerleading is, you fucking fuck fuck. Fucking fuck fuck. James, is there any redeeming qualities about you? Something that maybe in your life that you've done that will make this room like you? Oh, let's see. In your entire life, you're 28 years old. I give to the homeless every day. What do you get? What do you? All right. We're going to the homeless every day. What do you get? What do you...

Alright. We're gonna keep it moving along. There goes James Zachary, everybody. Gave it a shot. Gave it a shot. Sometimes I wonder if fans of the show that sign up and it goes like that, I wonder if they stay fans of the show

or if it becomes hard for them to listen to episodes after that. These are things I genuinely think about. The negatives of having a show like this are like, because I wouldn't be able to ever listen to the show again if that happened to me. I'd be like, fuck. Every time I hear the sound of a kitty

I smell truck fumes and feel sad inside. That's blank. All right. On to the next one. You guys having fun out there? All right. This is interesting. Put your hands together for Kyle plus one. Kyle plus one. put your hands together for Kyle plus one. Kyle plus one. This is exciting stuff. Here we go. Here comes Kyle. Everybody moving at a

very Texas-like pace tonight. Quite incredible. Oh, he's speeding up. Here we go. Prepare for the sound of someone being out of breath. Here he is, everybody, Kyle Plus One. How's it going, everybody? Sorry it took me a little while.

I was in the bathroom when I heard my name get called, so I came running out. But if anybody's interested, there's two fat lines of coke on the men's restroom right in there. Hey! interested. There's two fat lines of coke on the men's restroom right in there. Me and my girlfriend, we like to have sex every now and then. And when we do, she likes it kind of rough. And I'm a big guy, obviously, pretty muscular, got a lot of strength. So she told me that she needs to come up with a safe word in case I, you know, take it over the edge sometimes.

So I said, okay, hey, figure it out, you know, let me know what it is. So a couple days go by, I didn't hear anything from her, and I'm just chilling in the living room. She comes running out of the bathroom one day going, hey, got the safe word, I got the safe word. I said, okay. You know, let's hear it. And you guys aren't gonna believe this shit. It's cuck. So cuck's the safe word?

I don't... Alright. What made you think that would get a big laugh at the end of it maybe I'm confused I don't know it really pissed me off that the guy before said a stupid fucking cuck joke too like you didn't even understand it I know this one was probably stupid too but

when he said that I was like they were both bad They were both bad. They were both bad. Yours was just as bad as his. It's okay, though. You seem like a good guy, likable. You're enjoying yourself. You're smiling. You're jolly. Look at you. You're adorable. Fuck yeah. These lights are

super bright, though. I can't really see it. Yeah, that's the problem. Welcome to show business, faggot. I don't know. I don't know what's gotten into me. Welcome to show business, faggot. I don't know. I don't know what's gotten into me. Feeling a little extra Texas tonight. You know what I'm saying?

Just calling people faggots and the N-word all night. Just kidding. I'm not going to say the N-word, you fucking animals. What did you think was funny about the word cuck, though? I don't understand what the joke was at all. You don't get it? No. I mean, you guys know what a cuck is. Yeah, we do know what word cuck, though? I don't understand what the joke was at all. You don't get it? No. I mean, you guys know what a cuck is. Yeah, we do know what a cuck is,

so why would that be the safe word? She chose it. She chose it. I had no idea what the word was. She came out and said it's cuck. Still does not make sense. She's cheating on me. I thought it was funny.

Oh, she's cheating on you. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. There you go. So Kyle. That. Oh. There you go. So, Kyle. That's funny.

This is your first time doing stand-up, Kyle? Yeah, it is. Heck, yeah. You really soaked in that first laugh that you got off of the two. Congratulations to you. It takes balls to sign up for a show like this. How old are you? 23 on Wednesday, actually.

Wow, you're 22 years old is the answer to the question. 22 and a half. You have a penis and testicles. The answer is 22. I knew that was going to happen, but I still said it. I knew you were going to bring that up. You're goddamn right. You know what?

I'm going to call you a faggot again any second. I'm kidding. I'm second. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It's only funny if the person's not gay. I liked it. I'm still with my girlfriend. What?

I'm still with my girlfriend, by the way. No, I know. I love it. Absolutely. So, Kyle, what do you do for a job? I work for a logistics company. Uh-huh. What do you do? What do you do with logistics?? I work for a logistics company. Uh-huh.

What do you do? What do you do with logistics? I sit behind a computer all day just scheduling pickups. Uh-huh. Very good. You have any fun hobbies or special skills or talents or anything like that? No, not much. I am pretty good at losing fantasy football, though.

Uh-huh. What else? What else do you do? There must be things that you do to relax, take your mind off of the computer and all that. Yeah. I mean, not too much. Must be something. Hey, by the way, you guys, you don't need to yell stuff at nobody. You're not going to get a laugh from the audience tonight.

I promise you that. So snort coke guy and this lady and whichever one's over there, just relax. Enjoy the show. Was the cocaine in the bathroom real, though? No, it's not fucking real. People don't leave lines of cocaine in the bathroom in Houston, Texas. He wasn't in the bathroom. It was his joke.

That was another attempt at a half true non-joke. Right? Because you weren't in the bathroom and you didn't leave lines of coke in the bathroom. Yeah, you saw me come from the corner over there? Yep. And also, you wouldn't have heard if your name was called. There's two doors in between here and that restroom, and

you also wouldn't have left. You wouldn't have left the coke. It takes like one second to sniff it up. Yeah. You see? You see now? Yeah. Just like baggage, you got checked.

Kyle, how long have you been with your girlfriend for? Four and a half years. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom that would surprise us? Do you have any finishing moves that you do, like a pro wrestler or anything like that, where you know the big finish is coming? Call this the out of breath. No, no good moves.

You don't do moves? Just missionary? Doggy, doggy. Doggy, you're a doggy guy. Heck yeah. I got big legs. You have big legs, you think. That's all right.

Do you ever role play as a Trader Joe's cashier? No. This aisle's open. Your parents still alive, Kyle? They are. Maybe not after this, though. Yeah, nope, they're still alive, Kyle. They don't, they're not, this isn't.

I probably gave my mom a heart attack. Really, you think so? Is she in the audience tonight? No, no, no. So how could she have a heart attack right now? You think that by proxy, like, she knows that this set's happening, that she can feel your pain or something like that? I don't know. We got some weird shit going on with my family.

I got some weird shit going on. Let's check in with Gavin. Yeah, she has a mother's intuition. She knows when her son's bombing on stage. There we go. So nothing else that we should know about you? No interesting fun facts about you? No special skills or talents?

That's it. The answer to hobbies or talents is you are bad at fantasy football? Yeah. I get to the Super Bowl every fucking year and then I lose. Uh-huh. That's not the Super Bowl, Kyle. That's what they call it. You're having a fantasy world. That's the championship

of your fantasy football league. It's not called the Super Bowl. You don't make it to the Super Bowl and lose. You fucking faggot. Alright, there he goes. Kyle, everybody. Kyle. I don't know. Sure. Sure.

Absolutely. Thank you, Kyle, everybody. There you go. You don't have to shake my hand before or after the set. Tony does not like that. It's not part of your name getting pulled out of the bucket. We're going to be doing a meet and greet after the show. Ryan G. E. Belt drew up some unbelievably cool Texas posters.

Really cool. In the theme of what is that? What do they call that? Day of the Dead or whatever? What's that? Dia de los Muertos, Tony. Thank you. Thank you, Daryl. You're welcome, sweetie. Oh, okay. Alright, what was that?

Nothing. Did you just gag? Hey. Oh, wait, what? What is that? Flirting. Oh my Ha. Oh, wait, what? What is that? Flirting. Oh, my goodness. All right, pulled another name out. Put your hands together for GabeCBK52. Wow, wow.

What a powerful name. Oh, we forgot to ask what that plus two was on the last guy. GabeCBK52. Here he is, live in the flesh. Gabe CBK52. What the fuck is up, Houston. Yo. So, fuck. I should have just lost it. God damn it. I almost got it. Alright. Alright.

People always have their crazy ideas of fucking Texans. Am I right? Right? Let's get some energy in here. I was born in Waco, so most of those are true. Everything I've heard about. My uncle used to do roofies for fun.

He said it used to take the gay away. I noticed you've been taking a lot of hunting trips, uncle. You've been going out with Sean a little too much in the woods. All right, Gabe. CBK 5-2. Fuck yeah. It was a long trip from Conroe to be here tonight, huh?

Conroe? Yes, sir. Is it Conroe? One guy. One guy. It was worth it. Very good. Okay, welcome, Gabe. CBK 5-2. You blanked out when Very good. Okay, welcome GabeCBK52. You blanked out when you got up here, huh? Got a little excited? Too much.

Too much. Too much excitement. What the fuck is up, Houston? What? When he came out, he said, What the fuck is up, Houston? Make some noise. Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck. Too much noise. Yeah. Houston, fuck. Too much noise. Yeah. Houston, we have a problem. Gabe CBK52. So welcome, welcome. First time doing stand-up, right? Yes.

Heck yeah. First time growing a beard, correct? Yes. Absolutely. Yeah, I've been working on it. Very Amish. You know what it's like. Yeah, no, I do.

I don't know what that's like, but I know what it's like. Is that because you can't do what I do? No, I mean. What, bomb? I wouldn't. Beard off. Beard off. Yes, we're going to have a beard off, Brian.

This guy is Saddam Hussein in the membrane. I missed that. So, Gabe, let's talk talk about it How old are you? 23 23 years old Very good And what's your story man? First time doing stand up

What made you want to do this? Dude I've been watching Kill Tony forever We met you last night You met me last night in San Antonio? Yep Oh okay With the Kill Tony Discord Oh okay hell yeah Were you in that suburban that made its way over here today? Last night in San Antonio? Yep. Oh, okay. We're with the Kill Tony Discord.

Oh, okay. Hell yeah. Were you in that Suburban that made its way over here today? Yeah. Did you guys think you were getting pulled over for a moment? I didn't even know until I watched the video on Jeremiah's Instagram story. Yeah. Gavin.

Oh, you a fangirl. We're the fucking... They pulled up next to us. It turns out there's a crew of cool diehard fans that made it to San Antonio's Kill Tony last night. They drove here today. And while we were driving here today, sure enough, they pulled up right next to us, put their posters against the window, this and that. We rolled down our windows and said hi.

And then I go, you're getting pulled over because they're in the lane, in the left lane. But they weren't. The motorcycle cop with his lights on was just trying to get you out of the way while you guys were waving. We refuse to be pulled over. Trump 2020, am I right?

No, go back to where you were. I'm just kidding. Go back to where you were. Go back to where you were. I'm just kidding. Let go of some of your rope, Indiana Jones. What are you doing with that mic cable? He doesn't even know.

Bro, this is the one thing that's helping me cope with the nervousness. Yeah, but you're going to pull out the whole thing. All right. I apologize. There you go. I apologize. Absolutely. I'm trying to put my energy somewhere.

There you go. It's a fire hazard, Gabe. Gotcha. Let's talk about it. What's interesting about you and your life? You're 23 years old. What you been doing up to this point? Face the audience.

Look at these people. Look at them, you fat, young Abe Lincoln. I've been following you. Four score and seven pieces of pie ago. It's so great when comedians project their insecurities. Again. Wait a minute. Hold on. First of all... Again.

Shame on you guys for making that weird noise, by the way, after he says bad stuff. First of all, he bought tickets to our show two nights in a row, and he's wearing Brian's merch. Shut the fuck up. Yes. You came to see us, boo-boo. Eat my butt.

How is it comedians showing their insecurities when we're making fun of you? Like, I don't look like a fat young Abe Lincoln. You do. Like, it would make sense if I was, like, if I wore, like, a big top hat or got shot in the head or something, then that would make sense.

Okay, let's check in with Gavin. I can actually relate to this guy because I like having pubes on my face, too. That's right. I love it. Gabe, any hobbies or anything like that? What's interesting about you? You had to know this question was coming.

You're a diehard fan. I've watched every fucking episode from the beginning, front and backwards. Well, then you must know the answer to the question. What's interesting about you? I'm 23. Now, let me finish. You motherfuckers.

This family feud? Go ahead. I'm 23, and I have three kids. Whoa. Wow. Some would say... Gabe, what happened? I fuck. Yeah, we know you fuck. Very impressive. Not well. Our minds are completely

blown that you were able to get a woman pregnant. I didn't realize the only real men could do that, Gabe. Bro, I'm a groupie, so I'd fuck all of you, all right? He's got a lot of mic cord, for those of you listening. He's nervously. Is this three kids with the same girl or different girls? Same fucking shitty person. Wow, look at that.

My goodness. Why is she a shitty person, Gabe? Dude, I did fucking everything I could to please this person, and mental health is a real fucking thing. Yes, mental health is a real thing. What does that mean, that she has mental health issues? Yeah. Like what? She's sad? Yeah, like what she's sad

Yeah, uh-huh her mom what? This is where you answer the question mom I was waiting for the crowd all right. No don't wait for the crowd Her mom is a bipolar schizophrenic Yeah, I think she got a couple of those traits so when postpartum depression hit It fucking took a crazy turn out of nowhere. How about when she got pregnant again after that? Did it go away? No.

No, no, no. Things were fine. This was the third kid. I fucking, at 17 years old, got married because I didn't want to be a deadbeat. I fucking worked my ass off to take care of everything. Wow. Man. You really are.

The beard matches the Amish lifestyle that you live. It's incredible. The work ethic, getting married young, the kids. It's like you grew that beard just to walk into the house and go, I'm a real man. I'm going to take care of these kids. I'm going to be daddy. My God.

I'm a real boy. So how old were you when you had your first kid? Fuck. I think I was God damn. I've been trying not to keep track of it. Give it a ballpark, guy. You're 23 now. 15 or 16. Yep. Oh my fucking God. Jesus Christ.

So you have three kids. You just kept doing it. You're like, this is great. I'm gonna do more of this more of this baby making thing you can say what you say but if you fucking put your mind to it and you hustle you can get that shit done you do know this show is called kill tony right you do know that anybody can come inside of a woman and make a baby right do you know how babies are made? Like, what did your parents tell you about the birds and the bees or whatever?

Bro, my parents had me at 14 and 15, so it was a fucking family tradition. Oh, my God. That means you're going to be a grandpa in, like, 12 years, dude. The sexiest grandpa that looks like Abe Lincoln. Wow. All right. How are your kids? Have they grown up okay? No, they haven't. What do you think?

What do you think, Tony? I want to hear it. Do you hang out with these kids? Right. All right. You got me. No, listen. Okay, let me tell the story. Can I have some time?

Do you support the kids in any way? Yes. How do you do that? I fucking... Listen. This is what happened. I come back from work. No. Go ahead, Gabe. Ignore the audience and focus on what you're saying. I come back from work. No. Go ahead, Gabe. Ignore the audience and focus on what you're saying. I come back from work. Postpartum depression took a turn

and she was gone by the time I got home. She had been siphoning my fucking bill money. You're siphoning your what? My bill money. When I said, oh, here's this to take care of this. I'm trying to understand what you're saying. You have to keep talking into the tip of the microphone. She was basically stealing money.

So when this shit went down, she skipped town, went to stay with some family. And I'm working my way to get back to fucking Arizona because I've always been there for my kids other than this one fucking year. And it's been a nightmare. Wow. This isn't even funny. What the fuck? Yeah, I know. Neither was...

Wow, Jerry Springer chant has broken out live here in Houston. My goodness gracious. So you went to work, and then she split, and she took the kids? I was there for fucking... She didn't give you a reason. You keep saying postpartum depression, but bro, she I literally had fucking six holes.

Hold on. We just lost Lex Luthor. Everybody there. All right. All right. So can we just get off of this? I swear to God, I've been trying to be there, and I'm going to get back there. Are you going to do it? Let's talk about something funny.

You know what? How many of you think he should drive right now straight to Arizona back to his kids? I'm on my way. All right. There he goes, GabeCBK52. Thank you. You guys are awesome. You guys want to booCBK52. Thank you. You guys are awesome.

You guys want to boo him? Boo him if you want to boo him. There he goes, Gabe. Gabe, get control of your life, bro. You can't blame everything on your wife's depression, dude. She's probably getting fucked by a black guy right now in Arizona. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah. Lucky girl. My goodness. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? That's pretty good. How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Well then you're getting your money's worth tonight I pulled a name out of the bucket

Make some noise for Zahid Dujji Zahid Dujji Here we go Zahid Dujji Hit that thing again Here he comes Here comes Zahid Doogie. Hit that thing again. Oh, here he comes. Here comes Zahid, everybody.

God, that was so sad. That guy made me want to go to war with Iran. Alright. Jesus Christ. Fucking system of a bringing me down. Alright, here we go. What's up? A lot of people tend to down. All right, here we go. What's up? A lot of people tend to think I'm Indian, and I am,

so I get where they're coming from on that shit. That actually makes sense. Did you guys know they legalized gay sex in India last year? Did you guys know that? Yeah. Well, well, medicinally, not recreationally. Just putting that out there. What is that joke?

All right. My mom's fucking Indian still. I don't know. My mom loves family. My mom loves family so much that for my birthday last year, my mom got me a mouse pad that said family on it. Above it

were pictures of people that I had never met before because she didn't know you were supposed to customize it when you bought it yeah she just saw it she was like family fuck yeah let's do this thing at the card ship she just skipped all the steps and then she folded this like dumb mouse pad and opened up i was like yo who the fuck are these people and she was like well that's family right there. All right. Thank you guys. Fuck yeah. Zahid Dujun. Dujun.

Welcome back, Zahid. You've been on this show before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A couple times, right? Yeah. That's what I love. You're funnier now than you've ever been, correct? Thank you.

I think so, hopefully. Right? I agree. Yeah. I can tell. I can tell. God, it feels so good to have an actual comic on the show. Thanks, man. I appreciate tell. I can tell. God, it feels so good to have an actual comic on the show. Thanks, man.

I appreciate that. So Zahid, how long have you been doing stand-up? Six years this month, actually. Wow, six years. All of it here in Houston? Yeah, I started here. How'd you end up in Houston? I was going to college in New York and I came here and

I kind of just stumbled into stand-up. And you're Indian Indian? Yeah, my family's Mexican Jeremiah. Calm down. It's a different kind of Indian. It's already raining. It worked.

Both of your parents are from where? My parents are from Tanzania, which is in East Africa, but they're Indian by descent. Oh, Tanzania, the home of Tanzanite, the mineral. Very good. Tanzania.

Is that like blood diamonds or something? What is that known for? I don't know. To be honest, I grew up in New York. I don't know what they're known for getting evicted out of that country. Your parents. No, just Indians. There was a real exodus like there was a right nationalization.

Right. And your parents moved out and went straight to New York or. Yeah. Why? Why New York? Do you think that you ever ask them? Yeah. This past Thanksgiving, actually, they? Did you ever ask them? Yeah. This past Thanksgiving, actually,

they told me about the big nationalization that had happened in the country. It's a sad story. Basically, the same racism that would happen right now in this country happened in Africa, and they were like, Indians shouldn't leave. What do you mean the same racism that happens right now? We're in kind of like a national,

like make America great again type of... Do you really believe that? Well, the hats say it, right? What? The hats, like... They say what? The MAGA hats. What do they say?

The make America great again hats. But what does that have to do with a racism push happening right now in America? I think that there's a little bit of a nationalization happening here. The same thing with Brexit. Well, let me ask you this. You hang out.

You do comedy. You hang out with people, right? Yeah. Have you noticed an increase in racism in your own life? Or is this something that you think we hear about but don't really see in real life? Honest question. Have you seen more racism in the last couple years?

Or is this something we just hear about this storyline? I think I honestly, like if we're going to have like a, for some reason real, but I get what you're doing in terms of like asking like real questions. I think that what's happening now

is that we're, because we are more polarized, everyone's viewpoint is being heard more. So we're actually hearing more people that felt like they had to be quiet about their race. I feel like they're coming out and just be like, yeah, I just think that they should not be here. Have you seen these people? Have you heard people? It actually happened out in the parking lot here one time.

What did you hear? What did you hear in the parking lot? Yeah, there's the guy. That was the guy, actually. He's the one that yelled at me. Zahid, that guy's trying to be funny. Stick with me. Okay.

People, if you get called up here, please do not let the audience fucking distract you. It's a real live show. So, Zahid, what happened in the parking lot? I want to hear about this real-life racism account. Our parking lot employs some people that are like a separate... They're their own company. The condensed version of the story, yep.

Yes. Uh-huh. A guy just came in. He didn't pay, and he told the Iranian guy there to go back to his country. I want this to make sure everything was okay. And then that guy said a bunch of racist shit to my face that didn't make any fucking sense. But it did make sense. So the

real soundbite here is go back to your country is what you heard, right? Right. So let me ask you this. Do you think knowing that, do you think that guy would have been more racist? Would you think there was more racism 10 years ago or less racism? I think there's the exact same amount, but we're seeing it more because of the Internet cameras on our phone. The fact that everyone has a platform on social media, I think it's a good thing.

So everyone has a voice. I think we're actually addressing it and seeing it for the thing that it was 10 years ago. Let me ask you, let me ask it this way. Do you think your parents dealt with more racism when they moved here from New York than you've seen now in your life here in Texas, a place that's supposedly known for racism, but they dealt with more racism? I think so. Because there's less racism now than ever. Right? It's just interesting. I just, we don't ever get to talk about this much on this show. And by the way, I like you. I like your set. I just find this to be an interesting subject. It is. Yeah. I do too, man. Because you brought it up. And I live in

real life. I hang out every day and every night. I'm out in public. I'm at airports. I'm at restaurants. This and that. And I hear some people talk about these things, but I never seem to see it. And I travel the entire country. Well, it might be because you're white. But white?

What might be because I'm white? You're clapping. Do you see more racism now than ever? You had it happen to you. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed lady told me to go back to my country. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed lady told you to go back to your country. And that was recent. How long ago was that?

But how long ago was that? Four years ago when Obama was in office. You see what I'm saying? This isn't making sense. You people just don't make any sense with this shit. You try to combine the racism and the make America great again, and it just doesn't work in any argument. What do you mean by you people?

Let's check in with Gavin. Exactly. You got me there. Who are these people? Stop playing that Jew music. Go ahead, Gavin. I think what Tony is trying to say is when you and your parents fly,

do you check your bags or do you curry on? Oh, shit. Nice. I'm just kidding, y'all. That's the fun we have at Southwest. Book now. You guys look like you put the spirit in Spirit Airlines. Oh, we don't bring up the spirit in the sky. Okay.

I just find it to be an interesting subject. Do I believe racism exists? Absolutely. Will there always be ignorant people? Absolutely. But I'm not, I just can't buy into this storyline that there's more than ever. I think people are always growing.

You know, we had a guy that was a half Palestinian, half Mexican and gay. Very good. You got it out. Good job. Half Palestinian, half Mexican and gay last night in San Antonio. And the police went fucking crazy. They loved him. They loved his story. They loved that his dad won't talk to him and his uncle won't talk to him, but that he's following his dreams and he's out and he's proud. And it's like, I just don't think that that would be the same five, 10 years ago, 15 years ago. Right. I like to push the storyline of what's really happening since we're a podcast that doesn't have this big mainstream push of this storyline that makes people panic and think it's the end of the world. I would agree with what you just said. Right, there you go. Well, then beautiful.

I mean, that boy did get lynched in the parking lot, but other than that. And by the way, I got told to go back to my country recently. I was in Australia and... Setting fires to the koala bear farm. That's right. You know what I mean?

What happens? You throw one lit joint into a koala park, everybody gets mad. All right. Zahid, you know, I always say it. I'll say it to you. My favorite thing about this show is when people get better. When we come back a year or two later and we see people get better, you worked absolute beats on this audience from your

first moment up here through your entire set and then we had a great compelling conversation afterwards. Thank you. There you go. Zahid Dujji, everybody. He's on social media at Zahid Dujji. Z-A-H-I-D D-E-W-J-I.

We're having fun. It's fun to have a serious conversation once in a while on this show that's always silly. I mean, you know, you can have a conversation. You're right. There's way less racism, you know. There's no doubt about it.

I mean, we have transgender bathrooms now also. That's accepted. Back then, we used to call them all these kinds of words. What words were those? 20 years ago, a transgender bathroom was a dumpster. You know what I'm saying? Go outside. Go shit in the dump deep.

The old dumpity-do. Alright. We having fun out there? Make some noise to be our next comedian. Pulled out of the bucket of destiny. His name is Dylan Ochiltree. Three, four.

Hey! Here he is, Dylan Ochele Tree, everybody. motherfucking friend. Step back from that fucking ledge. Step back, step back. Here he is, Dylan Ochiltree, everybody. Thank you, thank you. A lot of young people in the audience tonight. I like it. By a show of hands, who here is considered a millennial? All right, you can all pick up your participation trophies outside after the show. Thank you.

I don't think it's fair that I get called a millennial. I'm 30 years old, but I still am in the category. I think the big dividing factor is how I discovered porn. Like most suburban kids growing up in the early 90s, I found it in the woods. There's nothing better than running through the woods of your backyard and coming across a pair of titties just sitting there in the woods. There's nothing better than running through the woods of your backyard and coming across a pair of titties just sitting there in the sand. You find

it, you keep it, you bury it, you put a stick in it later, you come back. Those were the good old days. That's all I got. Alright! Dylan Ochele Tree. Fuck yeah, dude. How's it going, pal?

It's going good. How are you? You look like a real fucking Texas guy. You know what I mean? Thank you very much. What do you have, a Silverado or a Dodge Ram? What do I drive? A Nissan Frontier.

Whoa, Nissan Frontier. Faggot truck. Anyway, I'm kidding. Just kidding. We're going to have to do some bleeps on the edit of this episode. Yeah, we're going to have to. There is way less hate in America now. There's way less hate in America now.

Yeah, exactly. I can use the word faggot, by the way, because I get called it all the time by cars driving down the street with their windows down. It's true. They always go, nice dog, faggot. I'm like, hey, I'm one of the top Young Rising comedians. That's right.

I just get called one of them sky gays. All right. So Dylan, let's talk about it. You're a real man. You have a real man head. You look like Bradley Cooper with Down syndrome. I like it. I like it.

So Dylan, what's going on, man? What are you, first time doing stand-up, right? First time. Fuck yeah, absolutely. What do you do for a job? Build houses. You build houses. Fuck yeah, with your fucking bare hands. Well, I don't build the houses. I appointed people to build Build houses. You build houses. Fuck yeah, with your fucking bare hands.

Well, I don't build the houses. I point at people to build the houses. Oh, you point at people. What color are the people that you're pointing at to build the houses? Maybe there is. I don't want to get into the racist thing again. Right, exactly. No, I get it.

So Dylan. Hey. That's where I draw the line. All right. We know any time we draw lines with Mexicans, you guys tend to cross them anyway. Hey, it's made me more acrobatic, aerodynamic. Oh, my God.

I like everything brown, if you know what I mean Oh my god So Dylan You're a real fucking tough guy So what's your story? What do you like to do for fun? What are some hobbies or something like that? I go to a lot of live music Play guitar You do any hunting or any other man shit? I'm not a big of live music, play guitar. Play guitar? Yeah. You do any hunting or

any other man shit? I'm not a big hunter, no. Fishing? No. No? I go hiking a lot. You go hiking. Where do you like to hike? There's a nice trail about an hour north of Houston. Lone Star Hiking Trail. Do you want to see my happy trail? Hey. Oh, shit.

Look at that. Live music, huh? Who have you seen lately that you like, Dylan? Over here, Dylan. I'm a big deadhead fish. Oh, look at you. You're a little fucking Texas stoner, huh? Yeah.

Oh, my goodness gracious. Does it bother you that pot's still illegal out here? No, I don't smoke. Nah, you're alright with it. You sort of like getting away with it. You like the feeling of keeping it in the middle of your Nissan Frontier. That old center console.

Heck yeah. You have a girlfriend? I do. How long you been with her? A year and a half. What does she do? She's in law school. Law school. Oh shit. Fuck yeah. Look at that. A little smart girl, huh? How about your family? Are you the youngest of four?

No, I have one older brother and a half-sister that's older. I'm the youngest, though. A half-sister. You're the youngest. Uh-huh. Why would they cut your sister in half? Oh, my God. I wasn't alive yet. I don't know the story.

I live in the clouds. I don't know what's going on down here. I don't know the story. I live in the clouds. I don't know what's going on down here. I don't know what you people do. Why would they cut your sister? You could fuck around with your half-sister. I haven't celebrated an American holiday in 13 years. Wow. Very impressive.

Where'd you meet your girlfriend at, Dylan? She told her parents we met at work, but we met on Tinder. Oh, wow. It's pronounced grinder. So you met her on Tinder. What was that first hangout like? You guys chatted for a little bit on Tinder, and then what? You went to a bar together?

She came to your place? You went to hers? We went to a coffee shop. Ooh, a coffee shop. You guys each got a coffee and then what happened? Said let's do this again and had a second date after that. Yeah, what was the second date at? We went to a barcade.

A barcade? Uh-oh. You guys had a couple drinks? I do not drink, so I did not. Oh, why don't you drink? Just out of curiosity. I'm in recovery. I got four years clean. Oh, congratulations. Absolutely. One week ago, I hit the top.

Wow. I love that. Thank you. I love that. What made you get in recovery? Did you have some final homelessness? Oh, look at you. You really turned your life around. That's great. Heck yeah.

Well, you know, after I cut my sister in half I figured it was time to put down the bottle I love that So you guys went to a barcade Did she have drinks? I think she had a beer, yeah She had a beer, and then what happened? You guys were like, enough with this Let me show you a real joystick. I didn't

kiss her until the fourth date, and she gives me shit for it all the time. I love that. I said goodbye and planned a third date. That's great. That's adorable. So you didn't kiss her until the fourth date? How long until you shoved your little fucking goddamn little fucking

brisket into her basket. You know what I'm saying? Maybe the fifth date, I think. Wow, the fifth terminal. Jumped ahead. Fifth date? Fifth or sixth. Man, look at that. Right after the kiss, you just went for it.

It's harder to have sex with a girl when you're not drinking, right? Like, that sober shit's kind of weird when it comes to that. Oh, she was fucked up, let me tell you. I was sober, she wasn't. Hey. Why are you gagging if there's nothing in your mouth? She had one beer at that date.

I got a non-alcoholic beverage for you, baby. Oh, my goodness gracious. Wow. Dylan, anything else crazy we should know about you? Any fun facts about Dylan Ochele Tree? Not really. I mean, I have an interesting past, but that's... Like what? Well, the

drug addiction and homelessness. Right, right, right. What kind of drugs are we talking about when things were serious? Heroin, yeah. Wow. Look at that. You're fully clean. Four years clean. Four years, yeah. And here you are, taking chances.

Thank you. Thank you. Putting yourself in position to have a clean and healthy adrenaline rush coming on a show like this. Feeling it? I feel it. You happy? I'm happy. There he goes, Dylan Ochealtree, everybody.

On to the next one. Hell, yeah. We're in it now. You know what? Let's do something fun. You guys like special fun things? Okay. How many of you have been to multiple

Kiltonys here in Houston, Texas? Well, then you guys may or may not know that you have your very own Houston special talent that has been pulled out of the bucket numerous times in the past on this show. He started on this show at the age of 21 years old. He's now 23. He started with us, and we just found out that he came in as a semifinal very recently

as Texas' funniest new comedian. And now he's here for you with a brand new minute. Make some noise for Texas Kill Tony regular Enrique Chacon, everybody. Here we go. One more time, good and loud for Enrique Chacon. What's up, motherfuckers? How y'all doing tonight? My name is Enrique Chacon, but my black friends call me Rico Chechon.

Or Little Essay. Enrique Chacon, but my black friends call me Rico Chechon. Or Little Essay. But my white friends, and that's all of y'all tonight, they call me Amigo. Or Tres Leches. But these hoes are still calling me Daddy, man. You know what the fuck I'm talking about? Shit.

Last time I was in a room full of people, somebody told me out loud that I look like a 10-year-old lesbian. Till this day I'm traumatized. Because I do look like a ten-year-old lesbian. You ever wonder who the fuck you were in high school? Like, why? Why do people think that I's sistered? You know, like, why do people think I get finger banged at the first date? You know why? It's because my face is so feminine feminine but my shoulders are so masculine

I just look like the strongest bitch at the yoga class. Y'all fuck with yoga? Enrique Chacon. It's time, baby. You did it again. You did it again. Was that me

that called you a 10-year-old lesbian? That was you, Tony. Yeah, I had a feeling that was me. Because I was actually about to do it again until you said it. My goodness. Enrique Chacon. I love it. 21 years old.

You started. Now we're 23. Here it is. Was this your third, fourth time on a Kill Tony? This is my third time on Kill Tony, y'all. Absolutely. Once a year. Once a year. Once a year since you started.

You're all grown up. Like I said, you came in as a semi-finalist on Texas's, what is it? It's Funniest Comic in Texas at the Houston Improv. Every year we have a competition. So you just go up in there and run it, man. So I came up as a semi-finalist. And we'll see what happens this year, shit. Goddamn right.

I bet I'm putting money on you, Enrique. Fuck yeah. Enrique, always adorable. You've had braces since we met you. You still have them. Yeah, I have them. I have them. It's not that my teeth are bad, man. I just forgot to pay a few payments.

That's what happened. You're going to have those things for the rest of your life, dude. I love it. Gavin? Yeah, can I try a joke out on y'all? Sure, Gavin. Okay, what's black and white and red all over? A panda bear with herpes, y'all.

These are the only exclusive jokes you'll get at Southwest.com. Book now for $59 flights one way. is the only exclusive joke so you'll get it at southwest.com. Book now for $59 flights one way. I need a vodka tonic, G.

Wow. No better time to test out a joke than in the very beginning of an interview with Enrique Chacon, Gavin. And there's more

where that came from. That's how it goes. Wow. We're going to be having an emergency landing here. We're going to be having an emergency landing here. We're experiencing turbulence, y'all. Alright, so Enrique, so what's been

happening in life, dude? You still a virgin? Damn. Hell no. Ever since I started comedy, I started fucking, y'all. You know how it is, baby. You know how it is. Damn. Yeah, right now I'm in a full committed relationship. At first she was my sugar baby. You know how it is. Damn. Yeah, right now I'm in a full committed relationship. At first she was my sugar mama, but now I love her.

You know, we're in love. What do you mean? It's a beautiful thing. She was your sugar mama? How old is she? She's about 30. 30? Wow.

Look at you. 30. Tired of running shit with these young hoes. You feel me? Damn. Because these bitches be what? These bitches be unfaithful. Wow. So you like women with braces too. Knee braces.

Got yourself a 30 year old. Damn. Is she an older lesbian or is she like a... She's biracial lesbian. Is she biracial? Yeah, she's not black or white, baby. She's in between. She's mixedacial lesbian. Is she biracial? Yeah, she's not black or white, baby. She's in between.

She's mixed black and white? Mm-hmm. Look at you, Enrique. My God, she must never take you out in public, huh? Her friends would be like, yo, who that little bitch boy? Well, you know, she just says I'm her yard worker. That's all she says. What'd you say? You love doing yard work? Oh, no. She just says I'm her yard worker. That's all she says. What'd you say? You love doing yard work?

Oh, no. She just says I'm her yard worker. Oh. Enrique, how long you been with this chick? Man, it's been like about a year now, Tony. God damn. Look at you. And you go down on her?

You please her orally with a mouthful of metal like that? When he goes down on her, she's black, white, and red all over. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my goodness. And we have a safe landing, y'all. That was incredible. Damn! Wow.

That was incredible. Enrique, you have any special moves in the bedroom that you do on her? Besides going down on her with these braces, baby. That's my special move. She calls me Truffle Daddy, you know? I call her my honey-glazed shoulders. Honey-glazed shoulders? Yeah, because her skin tone.

She's biracial, you know? She's taller than me. So if we doggy styling, I got to hump up, you feel me? It kind of looks like a chihuahua trying to hump a husky. That's what it looks like. You ever. Just being honest, just being honest. It's Gavin's impression of a chihuahua trying to fuck a husky. Wow. There we saw it.

Yep. So, Gavin, what else has been going on this past year? Anything else interesting? All right. So, I have a straight ethnic El Salvadoran grandma, y'all, and I found out that bitch, El Salvador baby pupusas. Will somebody get this fucking immigrant out of the room? Why don't you go back to your country?

Hey, if you go back, I don't know you, bitch. Okay, go ahead. Tell us about your El Salvadorian grandmother. I found out she killed somebody with black magic. What? Are you sure it's not considered brown magic? How'd she do that? Tell us about it.

It's black magic. So this is an El Salvadoran ritual. If you want to fuck somebody's day up, get some dirt from a dead person, somebody who just recently died, put it in a jar, find some wild roses, walk up to their doorstep, break that bitch, knock the door. As soon as they open, you have called the spirit of death this was this she told me when she told me this shit i was like bitch you crazy you crazy and whenever you open up that door you have to leave your vicinity right you have to leave the area so she did that shit to her stepmother because she was a real hoe.

Afterwards, her stepmother, she thought she found Christianity in Ecuador. She was in Ecuador. Came back to El Salvador after nine years with all her jewelry. Bitch got hit by a thunderbolt the same day. Can you believe that shit?

She got hit by a bolt of thunder? I've never even heard of that before. Hey, this ain't Harry Potter, y'all. Oh, the sound hurts me. Oh, my God. Death from a thunderbolt. One time I got dirt from a dead person, put it in a jar. I came in that jar, took it to my ex's house.

All I got was three kids, bad postpartum depression, and I got my sister cut in half. Oh, my goodness. I got a half-sister, y'all. Yep. Yep. Absolutely. Joelberg, indeed.

Wow. So where did you meet this biracial girlfriend of yours? What were you doing? Riding your bicycle in Greensport? I was riding my bicycle to the secret group, baby I found her right here Really? Mm-hmm

Wow You should have kept the relationship a secret Oh, no No, I'm kidding That's fun What else, Enrique? You live alone? Yeah, I live alone

Yeah? Mm-hmm No roommates? You live alone? Yeah, I live alone. No roommates? You have a one-bedroom? I moved out of my mom's house at 21 to my girlfriend's house at 23. So you live with your girlfriend? We're living together. It's a serious relationship, y'all, so it's a beautiful thing. That is hilarious.

Does she take your paychecks from you when you get them or anything like that? Yeah, she does. She does. Gavin? Every dude here knows, but you got to throw something down. Does your half-black, half-white girlfriend ever call you out on having what some people call a black scent? What do you mean?

He smells like a black person? No, no, no. He's talking about my swat accent. The way he talks, he's kind of swaggerish. And I wonder if his girlfriend ever calls him out on that. Like, talk normal, baby. I will still love you. Sometimes she tells me that I forgot my helmet.

Because you talk sometimes like, so I was riding my bike up here, man. So I just moved in with my girl, right? You know I still got these braces, but bitch got to eat. That's what I noticed. Okay, I just noticed things. Southwest.com. There just noticed things Southwest.com There you go Southwest.com

Wow well that's fun Enrique Look at that You did it again You have always stolen the show here On Kill Tony And we're so excited that you came back And you did it again Enrique Chacal ladies and gentlemen

This is a real Houston talent right here, people. This is your best bet. This is the future of Houston. I'll be at the bar if y'all want to get fucked up. Let me know. Enrique, you want to plug your podcast? Alright, y'all.

I also started a new podcast. It's called Life is Hard. Laugh it off. Add me on Instagram. I'll add you right back. Fuck with me. It's called Life is Hard. Laugh it off. Add me on Instagram. I'll add you right back. Fuck with me. Enrique Chacon, everybody. Houston's very own. Biracial, vibrational.

Adorable. Enrique Chacon. Yeah, that voice does, it's weird. I think that's just his, I think that's his natural thing. See, what I can't stand is when people start to talk like that when black people are around. When they make the old switcheroo. I know a lot of people that do that. Yeah.

Anyway. Hey, look at this. I pulled the name out of the bucket. The name is Brian B. Brian B, everybody. Here we go. Brian B, you're next. The. Father and son? What is it? Hell yeah. Look at you guys. That's hilarious. You look like a before and after for stage five cancer. Hey, here he is.

Brian B., everybody. Fuck yeah. I don't know. Maybe I'm just getting old, but I feel like people are getting more rude and selfish. You hold a door for somebody and they just go straight by you.

Or like when you're eating out a one-armed chick for like 30 minutes straight until she's done and she still won't fuck you? I don't know. Maybe it's just me. Yeah! Yeah.

Yeah. . . Yeah. But here's the thing. She didn't actually have just one arm. She had technically had two arms. But one was like a little mini weird, like mini arm. So I found a way to get back at her. You take that one good arm, you put her in a half Nelson.

And then you just start poking and tickling the shit out of her. You take that one good arm, you put her in a half Nelson, and then you just start poking and tickling the shit out of her, and watch that little weird arm just start flopping around. It's fucking hilarious. Fuck yeah. Brian B., everybody. Fuck yeah. Are there two doors there?

Is there one set of doors and then another set of doors separating the two rooms? Or is it just that one set of doors? Just one set. So, like, okay, very good, sir. You did it. Oh, what? So, what is that emo night? There's just no way to silence that during the filming of a live podcast?

Okay, yep, we got it. Thank you, Brian. Very good. Way to contribute to the help and not the problem. So here we are. We're with the guy from fucking, god damn it. He looks like a creative character on Tony's Hawks Pro Skater. That's true.

God damn it. He looks like a creative character on Tony's Hawks Pro Skater. That's true. The guy with the arrow gun from... God damn it. The Walking Dead? Yep. Oh, he looks like Daryl. Yeah, he does.

I love that character. That man is sexy as hell. You know that show? You know that show? Never seen it. You look like white trash is what we're saying. Awesome, thank you. So Brian, you from here in Houston, Texas?

No, Maryland. Maryland? How'd you end up here? I tried to see Kill Tony back in D.C. in November, but it was sold out. So my awesome-ass daughter bought me tickets for your guys' stand-up show the following night. And then when I found out you were coming to Houston,

a buddy of mine from Maryland lives here now, so I flew the fuck down here to come see it. That is so fucking cool. Look at that. Look at that. That is awesome. So you're in town just tonight? Came in yesterday, and I'm heading back tomorrow.

That is so fucking cool. Look at that. The bucket of destiny made it happen for you. Yeah. Absolutely. So, Brian, how old are you? 44.

44. First time doing stand-up, right? Yep. Absolutely. Awesome. You've been listening to the show a long time, right? A few months,

but I'm just a maniac. I watch like three episodes a day. Oh, that's so fucking cool. I love it. So, tell us about your life. What's interesting about you, Brian? You have a daughter. You have other kids too? Just one. A 17-year-old daughter.

Wow. Your 17-year-old daughter got you tickets to see the show. Yep. She's cool. Wow. That is so cool. Does she have a job or what? I mean, how does she pay for that? Yeah. Yeah, she's got a job, dude.

Heck yeah. What does she do for work? Cashier at a grocery store? No, she is a... Fuck, I don't want to go down this road, but she's a very talented dancer. Not in that way. So she teaches dance and she works part-time retail.

Oh, cool. Awesome. That is so cool. What kind of dance are you talking about? Like pole dancing classes? You motherfucker. Like ballet. Like ballet or something like that. Ballet and hip-hop and jazz.

Oh, she teaches twerking. That's what she does, y'all. Yeah. She's really awesome at hip-hop. I love it. You still with the baby mama? Oh, yeah. Oh, awesome.

How long have you two been together? About 23 years married for 20 years. I'll be 20 years this year. Wow. Powerful stuff. Look at you. My goodness gracious. What, you have any secrets to keeping things exciting?

Keeping a relationship healthy? Yeah, it's not really exciting. Oh, it's not. There you go. That's one way to keep it exciting. Make sure it never gets too exciting. Then you never miss anything of how it once was. If it's just always, you know, three miles an hour, you don't know any different.

Yeah, right. That's called 30,000 feet and cruising. You know, after time, you just figure it out and you just kind of glide through it. I love it. What do you like to do for fun? Any hobbies or anything like that? Oh, yeah. I like to drink beer and throw a cornhole.

Oh, you throw a cornhole. Me too. You do? I throw it. I catch it. I take it. I buy it. I lick it.

I... Daryl, you are on one tonight, my little friend. I like to be on one as well, Tony. That's right. On one, off one, in one. I'll take it home in a doggy bag if I can. Unbelievable, Daryl. I think Daryl, instant legend, Daryl and Gavin, these fucking flight attendants.

A couple of dirty bastards up here. Interesting stuff. So Cornhole, what else, Brian? What else do you like to do? How about a hand for the amazing staff here at the Secret Group? We've known this staff now for I believe, what, six years

or something like that. Fun fact, our first time here, we did a triple headlining stand-up show. Me, Brian Redban, and Tiffany Haddish all on one ticket that you could have saw six years ago. Proof that working with us

is a chance to become a international movie star. So we'll see if these flight attendants ever take off with their wings and fly away. So very fun. attendants ever take off with their wings and fly away. So, very fun. What was the last question I asked you, Brian?

What do you and your wife do for fun? You guys ever go out? Not really to do anything cool. Just dinner and random crap. Random crap. We're busy with jobs. What made you stop at one kid? Was that an accident, your 17-year-old?

No, no. Totally, like, totally planned. You're just like, this is perfect. One kid, we're good. Works out. Absolutely. Yeah. But the only risk is you fuck that one up, and then, you know, you don't have a fallback.

Then you're stuck with just that one slutty daughter. So you try and do it right, you know? Right. Have you caught her doing anything naughty? Have you guys had to have a talk? Birds and the bees or anything like that? Like, what are we talking about here? I'm not trying to be straight up with her.

She sneaks out sometimes? Nope. Nope? Nothing I know of. Does she have a boyfriend that you know of? No, not right now. No? You know.

Does she ever bring any boys home to hang out, do homework? Yeah. Do you let them hang out in her bedroom? Absolutely. Do you let them close the door? Absolutely not. Ah, look at that. That's dad. What would you do if the door was closed? I would open the door and be like, yeah, don't shut the door

because it's not cool. So she's had boys over to do homework though? Right. Always white boys? No. because it's not cool. So she's had boys over to do homework, though? Oh, yeah. Right. Always white boys? No. No?

No. Oh, look at this. She likes hip-hop dancing, Tony. Yeah, what's the... She's had a black boy over? Yeah. I don't know if you know this or not, but I don't know if anyone's ever told you this,

but black boys don't know if you know this or not, but I don't know if anyone's ever told you this, but black boys don't do their homework. I was born and raised in an all-black neighborhood. That's how I know these things. I have a lot of black friends. I'm friends with Snoop Dogg, so. Anyway. But he's a black ballet dancer? Yeah.

No. No. No. No. That's a whole different thing. My daughter's friend. Oh, he is. Is a black ballet dancer. Oh, I see what you're saying. He's got a little bit of that.

I'm not saying. I'm not saying. A little bit of that flight attendant. A little bit flight attendenty. A little bit Gavin-esque, if you will. I'm not implying anything. Very, very fun. Well, Brian, I fucking love it.

We have all shapes and sizes of people. 44 years old. You had your first time on stage ever tonight. How did it feel when you got up here? Was anything different than what you expected? No, man, I was pretty stoked. I just blanked out there for a second. Happens, man.

Happens. I always feel like the more you prepare, the more you want it, the more excited you get, the harder it gets. It's one of those weird things that you can't really predict or prepare for the moment. And blanking out always happens, no matter how many times you've done the same exact joke, like even tonight.

It's just different, dude. I'm behind the microphone every day, but I'm just not used to doing it in front of. What microphone? At my house, I do voiceover work all the time. Oh, you do voiceover. And I do like crazy character work. Can you give us an example of like a voiceover that you've done? Can we hear some of your good voiceover?

Like. Just say anything. Watch, watch. I'll do this one. Sports Center brought to you by 4Hims. All right, your turn. EA Sports. Sure, there you go.

Brian will even do one, really sloppy. I got one. Go ahead, your turn. You better not have the door closed if there's a black boy in your room. That was mine. I got one. Okay. Gatorade, is it in yet?

All right. There you go. He stood up and takes a bow because we have to delay the show for more physical comedy during a live podcast yet again. So, Brian, it's your turn for the voiceover. All right.

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the weak and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. That is some... There you go.

Sure. I guess that sound again. Very good. That'll be the cap on that. That is some cold-blooded shit to say to somebody right before you kill them. Fuck yeah. There he is, Brian B., everybody. BrianBVO.com.

He does voiceover. We haven't had a lady pulled out of the bucket yet. What do you say we pull names until we get a lady up here, huh? Okay. What? Brandon. Sorry, Brandon. Sorry, Zach. Oh, okay. Here's a name. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Olivia. Olivia.

Let's see what happens here. Olivia has been pulled out of the bucket. Here she comes. Nope, she's going to the restroom. Here comes Olivia. Here we go. Let's see what happens here. Your first female comedian of the night, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Olivia, everybody. Come on. Hey, y'all. What's up? So, never done this before, and you're probably thinking to yourself, like, hey, dude, that's a bad idea.

It could go really badly, very poorly. You could really embarrass yourself up there. And I actually had the same thought like the first time I sucked a dick and turns out I'm pretty good at that so I thought I'd give this a shot it might be a little uncomfortable for some of you to hear me talking about sucking dick just because I look severely underaged I promise I'm allowed to be here. I'll show you my Sideways ID if you ask politely. One of the terrible things about going out with

me in general is that all bouncers in the state of Texas think I have some secret plan. I'm trying to shut them down everywhere I go. They're like, flashlights. One guy bit my ID one time just to make sure it was real. Very strange. Fuck yeah. Olivia, everybody. Absolutely. First time on stage. That was great.

Thank you. Very good for a first time. You got to project. You have to find a little bit more voice out of that somewhere in that little body of yours. You got to get it out of there. Yeah. But great stuff. So this is your first time. How old are you? I am 23. 23 years old.

Very cool. What have you been doing up until this point in your life? What have I been doing? Yeah, what have you been doing with yourself? Honestly, not much. Did you go to school? Kind of. I halfway went to school. I have you been doing with yourself? Honestly, not much. Did you go to school? Kind of. I halfway went to school. I have an associate's degree. Ooh, in what?

Liberal arts. Liberal arts. Yep. Oh, we know how we feel about those. Anyway, very cool. What do you do for a job? I clean houses. Ooh, you do?

Yeah. My goodness, taking jobs from hardworking Mexicans. That is just incredible. You clean house, huh? How long you been doing that for? About a year. Very nice. Yeah.

Like families or like big houses? Yeah, it's a whole range of like the nastiest to the fanciest. Oh, no. What's the nastiest thing you've ever seen in a place that you had to clean? Like a gross fridge or something like that? No. One time I was cleaning this like bachelor's house and I think he had had like explosive

vomit on it the night before. Oh. Just like a toilet covered in vomit. Ugh. Oh fuck. Yeah. Oh that's so fucking disgusting. It was really gross. I didn't like it. My goodness. How about the nicest house? You ever been in like the house My goodness. How about the nicest house? You ever been in like the house from Parasite or anything like that?

Like something really fancy? No. I do clean this like Spanish villa in the middle of Texas, which is super strange. You're from Houston? Born and raised? Kind of. Not really. No, actually.

What do you mean no, actually? What does that mean? I moved around a lot when I was a kid. How come? Military family? No, my dad was an airplane mechanic. I moved around a lot when I was a kid. How come? Military family? No, my dad was an airplane mechanic. Oh, an airplane mechanic. Uh-oh.

Hello, hello. He actually... I love a man with the tools for the trade, if you know what I mean. Looks like I'm about to have explosive vomit all over a fucking dude. Sorry, I got high for a second. I'm having a stroke, if you know what I mean. Oh, my God.

Olivia, airplane mechanic. That is so interesting. You still live with your parents? Oh, no. Oh, no. No. Wow. No, I don't.

You live here in Houston? I live in College Station, actually. Oh, College Station, the home of Texas A&M, the Aggies. Yep, that's it. Heck yeah, absolutely. That's fun. Why do you live in College Station? It was kind of an accident, actually.

I was living in Houston, and I hated it. Why'd you hate it, just out of curiosity? Probably, honestly, just because I was working at this restaurant, and it wasn't that fun. Not really my vibe. Right. And I couldn't find another job in Houston, so I left. I just find it amazing. Let me just tell you something that I noticed, because I noticed because I do this a lot I host the show a lot and we go a lot of different

places and we see a lot of different things and you just um you just said that you didn't like the city that we're in and you're so likable that nobody even fucking lost their minds for a second right that was the first time I've ever seen it. Or, like, I mean, you just snuck it in. You're like the nurse that gave the shot and then you're like, you're done already. And they're like, what? You already did it? Like, it was like that. I think everyone's still thinking about her giving

blowjobs. Perhaps. Perhaps. Very good. Way to bring the whole room down to your childish level. I think I... Alright. But, I mean, I think I... All right. All right. But, I mean, I think that's a testament for, you know,

this perhaps being something that you could be really good at. Is this something that you're really interested in doing? What made you drive here from College Station today? Well, I've been listening to the podcast for a couple years. Always been super interested in stand-up. Don't know if it's something I want to do all the time. It's like kind of the worst thing. Kind of what?

Kind of the worst. Sorry. What do you mean by the worst? I hate it up here. Why do you hate it? It's just everybody's looking at me. I don't really. Why don't you like that? I just don't. Then why'd you sign up? Is this like a bondage thing, like choking yourself?

Ew. She's imagining 200 red bands in the audience right now. Yeah, that's why I signed up just to eat red bands. I think we're all thinking about the blowjob thing still. All right, Beetlejuice. That's my impression of you. Interesting stuff. I find you such a compelling, interesting case.

You don't really want to be here. You don't like Houston. But you signed up, and you comfortably went through a set. You took your time. You executed. And even though we could barely hear you, you still pulled off what I would consider a big win, probably the best set out of all the first timers here tonight. So that's interesting stuff. You have a ridiculous amount of likability to you. So if you don't like this many people

looking at you, what do you think you do want to do with your life? What do you, what do you see? Where do you see this whole life thing going for you?'re 23 um let's see realistically i'm probably going to get a degree in like anthropology and social work and just teach people and help people there you go very good you do realize that if you teach people there's going to be a bunch of people in a room looking at you yeah but it's like then i'll actually know stuff and they'll just not be deciding if I'm funny or not. Wow. That's different.

I think you should, I don't know. You should try it again. I think you should embrace your fears and get over it and do stand-up more. Thank you. You guys agree with me?

You think she should do it again? Yeah, Olivia. You should do it. You know, it's funny though because I just got done saying something that I so rarely say on the show, which is the more you care and the more you prepare and the more this and that, the more likely you are to fail and blank out, which is hard to understand. But I think this is a perfect example of exactly what I was talking about.

This chick's like, yeah, I just drove here. I listen to podcasts. I don't really want to do this ever again. I don't give a fuck. I've been practicing in my mirror for like six months. Oh, well, I just drove here. I listen to podcasts. I don't really want to do this ever again. I don't give a fuck. I've been practicing in my mirror for like six months. Oh, well, there you go. Yeah. Never mind.

You got through it. But I mean, practice and being overwhelmed with pressure are two different things. The first time I ever did stand up at the comedy store in the original room when I started, May of 2007, I knew that I was going to do it for the rest of my life. So I always knew, like, oh, fuck, I better do good this first time because I'm always going to have this story of my first time, and I blanked out completely.

But I rolled with it and killed because I'm one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Anyway, there goes Olivia, everybody. It's Olivia, everyone. All right. All right. What an adorable spinner. There she goes, Olivia.

There you go. A little bit more fucking Me Too movement from Red Band. A little icing on the fucking cake. The Me Too movement is the only movement Red Band does. It counts as points on the Fitbit. There you go. There you go. Yes. Absolutely doodly. Well,

let's have some more fun, shall we? There is yet another person from Texas that has gained quite a bit of stardom in the history of this show. I believe his first appearance was in San Antonio or maybe Houston, Dallas. Something like that. It doesn't matter.

He was definitely in Texas. He's a little Texas superstar. Not only has he done stand-up quite a few times, pulled out of the bucket originally on this show, but during his interview part we found out that he is on the world competitive level of taekwondo. You may know him from kicking things off of people's heads.

In fact, one time, trying to kick a water bottle off of a man named Jeremiah Watkins' head, his skinny jeans once constricted him, and he kicked Jeremiah in the head. A very, very iconic moment in the show's history. And he's here with a brand new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one and only Texas' own Colt McNeely, everybody! There we go. There's a hard ad there. and only Texas' own Colt McNeely, everybody.

There we go. Just hard out there. How's it going, everybody? What's up? So you know the way I see it. If you don't bleed when you wipe your ass, you didn't get it all. My girlfriend said Use baby wipes

I tried it Feels a lot like a rim job Except You never have to worry about a baby wipe Throwing up on your butt cheeks It's a true fact So my ex She started selling nudes on Snapchat For money It's a true fact. So my ex, she started selling nudes on Snapchat for money.

It's true. Funny thing is, now you can get a pepperoni pizza for the same price as those pepperoni nipples. What's up? What's up? Wow, fuck yeah. Colt McNeely getting some revenge on this ex-girlfriend, huh? Baby wipes throwing up on butt cheeks. You lost me at some point.

Help me out. Help me understand what you were trying to say there. So like, say your girlfriend's like licking your butt. Uh-huh. Doesn't taste very good. Right. Did she throw up? Yeah.

So your girlfriend ate your ass and threw up. For the sake of the joke. Hell yeah, man. Oh, for the sake of the joke. Welcome to another episode of For the Sake of the Joke. All right. So there you go. That didn't happen.

Did she sell nudes on Snapchat? Not my girlfriend, my ex. Your ex-girlfriend. And what's her name? I'm not giving that out. There you go. She really did that? Yeah. She's like, had so much potential. Uh-huh. Did she really have pepper really did that? Yeah. She had so much potential. Uh-huh.

Did she really have pepperoni nipples? Yeah. Oh, my God. Please tell me her name. What kind of pepperoni? Huh? What kind of pepperoni? Like the Canadian shit.

The real wide, like... Oh, God, yes. My goodness. Kind of spotty, you know? So, Colt, how's the Taekwondo been going? Exciting? Yeah, yeah. We're getting ready to go to Spain this summer.

Should be fun. Really? Yeah. Oh, you're going to Spain for like a world competitive something? It'll be an international tournament, this one. There you go. What do you guys think? We should kick some shit up here tonight, huh?

Colt, what do we have to do to get this done? What do you need? I got some wood he could break. Where is it? Oh, wow. Look at this. His trusty assistant has wood for it? Oh, wow. Look at this. His trusty assistant has wood for him.

Oh, my goodness. This shit's about to go down. Maybe just a little music, not too loud so that it overwhelms everything, but here we go. He's got wood. What do you think about this guy having wood, Daryl? Yeah. All right.

There we go go like this little white boy Jeremiah dismantling his sacks completely before coming over here here we go Jeremiah is going to hold some wood we've seen this before now we've seen Jeremiah do things

like this and he has gotten physically assaulted during this so fingers crossed that that happens again um you guys uh you guys excited to end uh kill tony houston with a bang here let me ask you something let me let me ask you something are you kicking it from this direction oh very good okay it's not gonna hit me is it it shouldn't very good so i. It's not going to hit me, is it? It shouldn't. Very good. So I'm just going to go like this.

Oh, wow. Look, he's stretching before this one, people. He learned his lesson last time. You got to hold it right there, Jeremiah. Don't move it. You guys excited about this? This is some real Texas shit right here. Again.

Guys, he's from Texas. He's an international competitive kicker. Oh! Oh! Wow. Unbelievable. What are we going to do with that other piece of wood?

What are we going to do with it? Do you guys want to have Tony break a board? Come on! This is so stupid. There's no way I can break this. I'm not going to be able to do it. There's no way I can break this.

I'm not going to be able to do it. FANS ROAR CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've never kicked wood in my fucking life. How do you expect me to do this? Have Jeremiah do it. That's one way to do it. That's the fucking muscle of the show right there. How the fuck did you think I was going to break wood? I thought at least maybe it was like some fake wood or something like that.

You must have been setting me up for victory. But no, just a real piece of fucking wood. I couldn't even hit it. Red band sore from just watching that. I'm still thinking about that girl in that blowjob. Oh, wow. I love it. Well, Colt, how do you feel about everything?

Good? Just really thankful. Really thankful to be here. I love it, man. Anything else you have coming up? Anything you want to plug or anything like that? You guys can follow me on Twitter, at ProbablyColt, if you want to check it out.

There you go. Colt McNeely, ladies and gentlemen. Texas' own. Very exciting stuff. I love it. Well, we did it, guys. That's an episode of Kill Tony Houston. We did it again.

It's late. We're here late. We did it. We made a smooth descent into nothing better, no time better to have two flight attendants with you than making a nice, easy, smooth landing into an episode tonight. How about a hand for the one and only band leader, Jeremiah Watkins, everyone. Jeremiah has a bunch of stuff, a bunch of dates coming up. You guys know about it already. He's going to be in Buffalo, Syracuse, and Albany in February.

New episode of Jeremiah Wonders. He's jeremiahwalkins.com for tickets like that. New episode of Jeremiah Wonders as Pete Holmes. He's Jeremiah Walkins on YouTube. He's Jeremiah Stand-Up on social media. There can't possibly be anything else. Is there, Jeremiah? There's some Kill Tony Band posters out there if y'all are interested.

There you go. And again, new posters from Ryan J. Ebel. Texas is only. Drew them just for here, so that's very exciting stuff. How about one more time for your favorite flight attendant, Daryl? Joel Jimenez, everybody. One more time for your favorite flight attendant, Daryl.

Joel Jimenez, everybody. Mostly sorry on social media, an official Ludwig drummer. Anything else, Joel? No, I love you, Houston. Thanks for coming out. Peace. We did it again. We have to do it again tomorrow.

So we're going to get some rest and get ready for that. Red band? Love you guys. See you. Good night, Houston. We love you.ティーシャツ手編みのマフラーとハートフォーミング レジローシップ チカレー ステイブーバイ みんな 食べてしまいましょう

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