KILL TONY - KILL TONY #429

Episode Date: January 16, 2020

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 01/11/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and heat frank's red hot i put that on everything hey this is red band and you're listening to kill tony check out our website death squad dot tv There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to all the shows. And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live. We're at the Comedy Store every Monday at 8 o'clock, but we're always on the road. So click on Tour Dates to see where we're at next. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own tour dates, like his comedy shows. He also has some merch up there. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own tour dates, like his comedy shows. He also has some merch up there, so check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, that's the house

artist. He drew the Kill Tony book. He has a bunch of stuff for sale. Check out RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We got some Kill Tony shirts over there. We got some Death Squad hats and mugs. Check out ShopSquad dot TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Secret Group in Houston, Texas. Fire 2.

Give it up for our brand new episode of Kill Tony. Here's Tony Hinchcliffe. Houston, Texas. How loud can this place possibly get? Yowie wowie. Look everybody. It's Brian Redbeck. What's up guys?

Holy moly. How exciting. This is it. We're here. We're live. Everything's good. How exciting. You guys excited about this? Some lighting trickery. How many of you were at last night's show just out of curiosity? Wow. Some real diehards here. Incredible.

The loyalty of the base, the Kill Tony family, the Kill Tony nation they call fan bases, right? It's a nation of domination. We're always on the road. This is how you found out about it.

It's from listening to the podcast. You found out that we were coming here. That's why we have to say where we're going next, which is Calgary, Canada, January 23rd. That's already sold out. A couple tickets for the... Four gonna be sold out stand-up shows in Calgary. Tempe, I do stand-up all by myself.

No Kill Tony there, just me. Five shows, February 6th through the 8th. Kill Tony, I do stand-up all by myself. No Kill Tony there. Just me. Five shows, February 6th through the 8th. Kill Tony Vancouver, February 21st. Tickets going fast for that. We just announced Kill Tony East, number two. That's a very special New England Kill Tony, February 29th, right between Boston

and Providence. Lots of fun there. La Jolla, California, we make our return the 5th of March with an entire weekend of stand-up that weekend leading into it. Actually, it's going to be, I believe, two Kill Tonys that night. And March 12th, Ventura, beautiful Ventura, California, gets their second Kill Tony. Kill Tony Boston, April 9th, with a whole weekend of stand-up that I'm headlining there, the 10th and 11th. And after Kill Tony Boston, it's Kill Tony Austin.

April 25th, Moon Tower Comedy Festival. We make our return there. You may remember our last time there, a gentleman on mushrooms attacked Jeremiah Watkins. So they gave us a couple years off of that festival. We were a little too crazy for them. We're Texas, but we don't like it that crazy. You know what I mean?

Come on, Give them a couple years off. It's crazy. It's been a calendar... Crazy year. Yeah, it's been a crazy, beautiful dilemma that we have. A crazy, beautiful dilemma.

Crazy, but... CBD! Hey! Infinite CBD! That reminds me. This episode's brought to you by Infinite CBD, which is here to help you stick to your New Year's resolution. If you're in the gym like Red Band and you're feeling sore, get their Freezing Point Topical Cream. It's great and easy to use.

And I know from personal experience, whenever I apply the topical cream to any sore muscle, and I have lots of muscles, it immediately starts to feel better. Or if your resolution is to get more sleep or work on your anxiety, Infinite CBD has products for you. Yeah, not only do they do it, they have lotions, they have gummy bears, they have a bunch of different kinds of products. I like the lotion. I like it when Tony rubs it on him and myself.

If you warm it up a little in your hands like he does so great and puts it right on your shoulders, it feels nice. I warm it up in a little frying pan a little bit. Yeah, he sizzles it up a little. Don't try that at home, though. Don't put it in a frying pan. Yeah, but Infinite CBD is unlike the other guys. They actually have a third party to test all the purity from their stuff. So it's legit CBD.

There's so many companies nowadays that have CBD. Make sure you get the good stuff by getting Infinite CBD. That's absolutely right, Brian. And if you go to InfiniteCBD.com, you can see which one of their products is right for you or perhaps your girlfriend or your boyfriend or a member of your family. Go to InfiniteCBD.com and use the code TONY15 to get 15% off your order. That's InfiniteCBD.com and code TONY15 for 15% off. And also a special shout-out to The Lyric.

This place is, I guess what we could say is they basically take major famous buildings and skyscrapers in major cities, and they turn them into luxury apartments. And we formed a little bit of a partnership with them. A guy named Michael hit us up from Lyric and hit us up on social media, and we followed up with him, and he said that he wanted to put us up to just try his place over a hotel or over a fancy Airbnb, and we tried it. We absolutely fell in love. We're staying at a Lyric right now.

There's one in Houston, Texas. It is unbelievable. It's right next to the baseball stadium, too. So you just go out on your balcony and you just see the baseball. High ceilings, giant windows from ceiling to floor. It's unbelievable. Highly recommend it if you guys ever want to get out of your house

or something like that and stay at a place, like some type of weird Houston honeymoon bullshit or something. Stay at the Lyric. Look it up. Go to Lyric.com. There's no promo code or anything. We're just big fans of them. They're not even an official sponsor, but we just absolutely believe in their stuff. It makes Airbnb look like an Air POS. That's what I always say. You know what I mean?

And by the way, the barbecue we had. It makes a hotel look like a no-tell. And the barbecue we had was incredible. That was from The Pit here in Houston, Texas. The Pit Room. The Pit Room. Unbelievable. We are just as fat as we've ever been.

Some of us more than others. Hello. Hey. I hear those joints cracking some infinite CBD on those things anyway we're here this is about to go down you guys ready to start the show very good

well there you go so as with all of our road episodes we're going to go guestless tonight just give you the meat and potatoes of the show, the people that you really love. Nobody needs to be on here promoting their dumb new podcast or anything like that. So it's just us. But with us also means that there is a band, ladies and gentlemen. They're a really big deal.

People tend to love them. They are some of our funniest friends. Every single episode of the show, they commit to being different characters. They were unbelievable. We had the debut of new characters last night. They were flight attendants. Extremely flamboyant flight attendants. The night before

that in San Antonio, they were extremely ghetto basketball players. It was very interesting. We're going to find out what they are tonight. Maybe it's brand new characters. Maybe it's the return of famous characters we've seen before on this show.

We're all going to find out at the same time, right now, together. I present to you the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berger-Gil-Jimenez. Oh, look at this. Here they go. No idea why the music would stop.

The Russian break dancers, everybody. Dancing with no music. Wow. Yay. Yippee-doo-dah-day. Here they are, everybody. We've seen these guys before, very famous characters in the history of the show.

And you're here, Houston, Texas, live at The Secret Group. Welcome back. Hello, my name is Gorshkov, and I'm... top breakdancer in all of Russia. Wow. Gorshkov?

G-O-R-S-H-K-O-V. Gorshkov. Gorshkov, okay. And clearly back here we have a caramelized Howard Stern. Caramelized? Yeah. Look at this. He looks like a Werther's Original

in a fucking wig. Take a minute to think about what you just said. It worked. You are right. My name is Petrushka. I am number one female breakdancer in all of Russia.

Tony, you better watch your ass. I will fuck you. Oh, Petrushka is DTF, ladies and gentlemen. So that's fun. That's interesting stuff. We have break dancers are back. Gorshkov. Gorshkov?

Gorshkov. Gorshkov on the saxophone. Petruska on the drums. Red Band on the soundboard, which brings me to this, everybody. It's a real-life bucket of destiny, everyone. Wow, look at that. Someone actually made this for us.

It says destiny on it. And a bunch of people signed up before the show for their chance at getting up on this stage. Very, very exciting stuff. They get pulled out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted and then I ask them questions about their life, figure out more about them, try to find out

what's different about them and everybody else that's ever been on the show. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're gonna bring out the angry Montrose Bear. There you go. That's it. You guys ready to start the show? Here we go. This is it. You guys ready to start the show? Here we go. This is it. Anything can happen.

Anything can happen. Kill Tony. Live. The secret group. The place. Houston has the record for all time most Kill Tonys on the road. Out of any city in the world. We've been to every

city. Every major city in the world. Houston has been to every city, every major city in the world. Houston has the record. And your first comedian going up first tonight goes by the name of Alex Garcia. Alex Garcia. Here he comes, right down the middle. Here he is. One more time for Alex Garcia, everyone.

There he is. One more time for Alex Garcia, everyone. There is nothing worse in this world than when a girl tells you she has a boyfriend for no reason. When you're not even interested. It happens to me every day. It happened to me every day. I'm like, hi, nice to meet you, I'm Alex. She I'm like, hi, nice to meet you, I'm Alex. She said, oh, hi, nice to meet you, I'm Kimberly. I said, oh, hi, Kimberly, it's nice to meet you.

It's a nice day out. She said, oh, it is a nice day out. My boyfriend loves the wind. He loves the wind? What is he, a bird? I haven't been on a date in four and a half years. Four years. And sex?

What is it? What is it? Does it feel good? How many guys in here clean their room before a girl comes over? I can't see my bed How many guys in here shave their pubes before they get laid? I can't see my dick Alright, Alex Garcia bringing out the Montrose Bear to start the show. Hell yeah.

All right. So, Alex, let's talk about it here. Welcome, welcome. You want to go first, Gorshkov? Yes. I don't know how to put this other than I am from Russia, and even me was sad during your set. Yeah, it's hard to make a Russian sad. I don't know how to put this other than I am from Russia and even me was sad during your set. Yeah, it's hard to make a Russian sad.

I don't know if you know that. We are always sad. Resting sad face. Oh, that's right. That's right. You made me sadder. I got my stereotypes confused there. They're always sad.

They're always sad. You made it sadder. So, Alex, let's talk about it. Is any of what you just said true? Yeah. Really? Yeah, I haven't been on a date in talk about it. Is any of what you just said true? Yeah. Really? Yeah, I haven't been on a date in like five years. Why is that?

Do you really think? Not trying to be funny, why do you really in real life think that that is? Should be an easy answer. Yeah, I'm kind of awkward. So when it comes down to it, even if, I mean, I just kind of always ruin it. Kind of awkward. That is the understatement of the century. What do you mean you're kind of awkward?

What do you mean by that? Like, what's some examples of times that you've actually blown it in front of a girl? Every time. So, like, what? What do you do? What has happened in the past? It just, it gets awkward, and then I just... Like what?

Like, fucking what? I'm asking you for an example of what is awkward. You answered it by saying it gets awkward. You fucking fuck fuck. Last night. Last night. Here we go. What happened last night? Are you pointing at a girl right now? Yeah, I was talking to someone.

Are you pointing to the girl that's next to this fucking actual tough Russian guy? Whatever. It's a real Russian here. Stand up. Look at these people. Take a bow. Wave to the audience. You, sir. Yes, you. You.. Stand up. Look at these people. Take a bow. Wave to the audience. You, sir. Yes, you. You.

Yes, you. Look at this fucking guy. Good guy. You're pointing at the girl sitting next to that fucking guy. No, I was just someone around there. We call. No, but just. It's just like, OK, so. Sitting next to Andrei Arlovsky from the UFC.

We call him Bearclaw in Russia. So what happened last night with this girl? Tell me about it. No, nothing. It was just like, I was like, I don't know. Should I walk away? She said, well, if I wanted you to walk away, I would tell you, or I'd go to the bathroom or something.

And then I just said, well, I don't know. It just like kind of, I'm really awkward. God, you're a fucking pussy, bro. My God. When's the last time you actually had sex with a girl I've never had sex with a girl Seriously You're lying No it's not for what you think seriously

You're lying No I'm serious It's not for what you think though I swear You've never had sex with a girl? I've had a chance or two. Please believe me. I couldn't get hard.

Why couldn't you get hard? Both times. I had two chances. So you couldn't get hard? I don't know how you guys do it. There's just so much pressure. It's probably all the overacting. All these girls probably are like,

get the fuck away from me, you know? Yeah. I mean, like, because it seems like you're trying to be funny, yet nobody's laughing. Do you notice that? So, like, why would you keep trying something that's not working? I'm just being honest. Okay, so let's be even more honest.

Okay. Okay? So, when you couldn't get hard, what happened? There was too much pressure. Too much pressure. Yeah. You think that this is something that's always going to just build? Like the pressure? Because now you're, how old are you? I'm 31.

31 years old. And you're telling us that you're a virgin? Yeah. But I had chances. I just blow it. I just always blow the chance. Maybe you should be blowing something else, my friend, because I think you might be gay, dude. If you can't get hard every time you're about to have sex with a girl. Have you ever tried anything with a guy? No. Oh, your voice is cracking a little bit now, huh?

Uh-oh. No, I haven't. I just never got hard. I have the feeling that's not the only crack that's going to end up in your mouth. I'm talking about a butt crack, bro. All right, well, I mean, have you ever done anything with a guy before? No. Is there a guy out there that wants to kiss this man tonight?

No, no, no, no, no. I'm not, no, no, no. Come on. Nothing against everybody else. I'm good on that guy kiss. No, I think it's going to happen. No, no, No, no, no. Come on. No, nothing against everybody else. I'm good on that guy kiss. No, I think it's going to happen. No, no, no, no, no. Is there a hideous woman who would like to kiss this man?

I'll take a hideous woman. I can't. I can't. I'm sorry. When's the last time you kissed a girl, Alex? Kissed a girl? About a month or two ago here. Yeah.

How did that happen? It was emo night again. I came out. Of the closet? Yeah, basically. Wow. No, yeah. It was just emo night

and there was someone here and I kissed her, but that was it. I didn't have sex with her. Did you run away screaming after you kissed her? What happened? No but that was it. I didn't have sex with her. Did you run away screaming after you kissed her? Or what happened? No, it was nice.

No, but she did slit her wrist afterwards. It was nice. Emo night. I can get close very good, but I just... Alex, are you from Houston? No, I'm actually from Glendora. From what? Glendora.

California? Yes. Okay. What brings you to Houston? I'm a from Glendora. From what? Glendora. California? Yes. Okay. What brings you to Houston? I'm a big fan of Kill Tony. Oh, wow. Look at that. The number one podcast of 31-year-old virgins in the world.

A lot of people know that, but we're number one. We're number one. We're number one. I have a buddy in Beaumont, too. No one asked you about this. All right. So let asked you about this. So let me ask you this. Gorshkov, do you want to go ahead?

Yes, is it true you made a statement about how you have such a large bush you cannot see your dick? Is this true? That's a good question. I recently shaved, but yes. Oh, recently shaved. Yeah, I recently shaved. I used a four clipper,

so it's still kind of like got that muff on it. Wow, that's a shame because I don't know if you know this, but our friend Gorshkov over there has famously Down Syndrome-esque pubes that for some reason he does not maintain whatsoever. He has the pubes of a 90-year-old divorcee. And my clit is so big, you can see it from space, no matter how long my hair is.

Your what? My clit, clitoris. You have this in America? Why do you have a clit? Are you a female? That is my sister, Petroska. Oh, my God. How dare you misgender me, Tony?

She is most beautiful girl in all of Russia. I said I am. How dare you misgender me, Tony? She is most beautiful girl in all of Russia. I said I am. How dare you? This is the first time in the show's history that I've ever misgendered one of the characters. You are canceled, Tony. You don't even try at all. Your voice is just as deep as always. I am from Russia.

It's hard out there. It's cold. My sister is a catch. You take back those words, Tony Hinchcliffe. My goodness, definitely. From the catch to the snatch. Now shut up. Tony, I will fuck you. No.

Please. No, Petruska, no. Oh, no. The crowd goes wild. Petruska. Petruska showing signs of old Daryl from North Carolina. You know this guy? I have no idea what you speak of.

Ha! If I'm allowed to inform everyone... Alex, you shut the fuck up, dude. What's going on? What are we building? Too much momentum? Is it too awesome up here right now? You don't know what to do with all people laughing in room? You get confused?

Alright. Alex, what kind of porn do you jerk off to? You jerk off to fucking... It's raining men! to. You jerk off to fucking It's raining bad. You're thinking about it too hard. I don't believe anything you say.

Gagger. Yeah, okay. I bet. I bet. Is that when people watch your stand-up comedy? Yeah, that's what gagging is, Alex, you fucking dimwit. You joke thief. All right, Alex.

I wrote that. Well, you tried your best here today, Alex. I do believe that. So we're going to send you back on your way back to be part of the Bad News Bears or whatever the fuck you're doing here. Thank you. But thanks for traveling all the way to Houston. I mean, you did it. We found out a. Thank you. But thank you for, thanks for traveling all the way to Houston. I mean, you did it.

We found out a lot about you. Let us know. Tag us in something if you ever end up losing your virginity. For sure, I will. Definitely. Thank you guys.

There you go. There you go. There you go. Alex Garcia, everybody. Thank you. You guys have a nice night. He's on Instagram. Alex.

G-U-R-C-I-V. All one word. Hey, look at that. That chick just gave you money. What the fuck? Look at that. That was wild. You owe me that for stealing my joke.

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All right. Put your hands together for your next comedian. He goes by the name of Ethan Felski, everyone. Ethan Felski. Here we go. Let's see what happens here. Oh, he's getting up. Here he comes.

Come on, Houston. Good and loud for Ethan Felski. Hello, everyone. Before I go on, I just want to say I have a speech impediment, so I can't say certain words with an R, like world, but I can say we're tall to those, so it's pretty ironic. I've got a girl roommate, and it's really interesting.

I didn't know, despite all the jokes we make, that women don't know how to actually cook or clean but uh Having a girl roommate is like having a sister you wanna fuck her, but you know you shouldn't but uh what what's it what's What surprised me the most was uh the amount of hair I found like I didn't know when I signed my lease I was agreeing to live with a werewolf

for the next six months. But I feel really bad for Anne Frank. It's every girl's worst nightmare to have her diary read by the whole world, and she didn't get a single dollar for it, which is every Jew's worst nightmare. Yeah! Wow! Willis Nightmill. Yeah. Wow.

That was great. That's a damn good joke you got there, buddy. Thank you. Look at you, Ethan Felski. Fuck yeah, man. Welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About six months now.

About six months. All of it here in Houston? Austin. Austin, Texas. A very good comedy scene up there. Heck yeah. How old are you? I just turned 21.

21 years old. Fuck yeah. And you're... Let me ask you this. This is the million dollar question, Ethan. You're not a virgin. Is that correct? Oh, I muff dive a lot.

Oh my God. No wonder you can't use your tongue properly. This guy eats more pussy than anyone I know. You muff dive a lot, but you still haven't put your wiener into a vagina? Oh, no, no, no. For sure, for sure. You have? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I mean, I'm trying to ha, ha, ha, ha. I mean, I'm trying to try... Austin's pretty freaky. I'm trying to try some other things, but... Yeah, like what? I'd be down for some butt stuff sometime. Yeah, you would be? With your butt or their butt?

I mean, if the night goes right, you know... Yeah, yeah. Experience. You're ready to potty. Let's check in with Gorshkov. I would like to offer my sister services to you to take the in. I would also like to offer my services to you. Hey.

Hey. Oh, Jesus. I love it. So let's talk about it, Ethan. You are a fun little dude. 21, you said? Yes. Wow.

So how long have you been 21 for? I turned 21 on December 21st. I love it. Hell yes. This is all new to you. What are you sipping on there? What's that little, is that some susserp? What do you got there?

That is some whiskey sour. Whiskey sour. Clown oil. I thought it was clown oil. Why do I think if he said white power, it would be cute on him? Yeah, exactly. He can even say the N-word and get away with it. No hard R's going on over here at all.

No, man away with it. No hard R's going on over here at all. Do it. You ever do it? You ever say the N-word before, Ethan? This is recorded, so I'm going to say no. Oh, okay. Hell yeah. You're from Texas.

I do. I've been trying to do some raps lately, though. Oh, yeah? You do some rapping? Can we hear some of your raps? You want a beat? You want Joel to lay down a beat? Oh, okay. Hey.

It ain't no debate. Papa Phil's here to take. I'm the substrate of this rap game. Playing with these other rappers, I put them in, mate. You better wait. I'm the chief of state. Step into my city. I fucked.

I fucked. He's honestly... Wow. Well, after hearing that, he's white for sure. Yeah. It was a good approach. I really like the sentiment. The only thing stopping you was your speech impediment.

He has no rhythm. Yeah. I did six years of speech therapy for nothing. That's right. Money in the bank. They said, give me that money. Hell yeah, dude. They used to call me a wiggle.

My goodness. Heck yeah. Wow. Ethan, what do you do for work? Or do you go to school? What's your story? I go to UT Austin. I'm trying to be a...

I'm a chemistry major, but... A what? Chemistry. Kimchi. I love kimchi. Yeah. Delicious. The goal is one day

not to be a pharmacist, but to be in the lab making my own drugs. Just like Dexter's laboratory. Yeah. Absolutely. I love that show. My goodness, Ethan. Wow. How exciting is that? So

this is fun. You've been doing stand-up for six months. You have a lot of friends in the scene over in Austin? The first time I did it, I said the Anne Frank joke. Some guy came up to me and he was like, let's collab and whatnot, but not really. Not in the stand-up

scene. Do girls find your speech impediment sexy? I bet it probably helps, right? They do. I usually say I'm from like England or Australia. Oh, like you're... Hey, yeah. Look at you.

You're a world traveler. Who are these retarded girls you're hitting on? My goodness gracious. Wow, this is so funny. Ethan, so 21 years old. What else are you doing with life? We very rarely get 21-year-olds on this show.

I mean, hentai takes up a lot of my time. What does? Hentai. Are you familiar? I'm not familiar at all. Kind of. What is it? Say it again. Hentai. Hentai? Are you familiar? I'm not familiar at all. Kind of. What is it? Say it again. Hentai.

Hentai. Yeah, like tentacles. Like Asian cartoony porn? Yeah, just for the plot. I jerk off to other stuff. Oh. Like what? What do you jerk off to? I actually don't like watching porn.

Oh, yeah? You don't watch a lot of Pwn? I get pussy. Damn, I love it. Don't really have to. You know what that's like. We just got word Alex Garcia has killed himself. Ethan and his accent

pushed him over the ledge, my friend. There it is. He's in the bathroom cutting off his tongue. You think this might help? I can't see my dick no more.

I have so much pubic hair. I can't even see my bed no more. I thought I loved it, but I also swim Australia. I'm from Glendale. Fuck yeah, Ethan. So you have brothers and sisters?

Yeah, my brother actually got me this ticket to come here for my birthday. Oh, that's cool. Fuck yeah. What a cool brother. Did he come with you? Nah, he's got a wife, so he's just... Hell yeah. You came solo from Austin? No, I live in brother. Did he come with you? No, he's got a wife, so he's just... Hell yeah. You came solo from Austin?

No, I live in Houston. I just go to Austin for school and shit. Oh, okay. Does your brother have a speech impediment as well? I don't know if I... I just found out the... I don't know if I should say this, but I found out the other day,

I have a twin sister. We're both 21. Wait, you just found out that you have a twin sister? But my brother is actually like my half-brother. Like, no one actually told me until like a couple weeks ago. Yeah, that's how life works. We all have half-brothers and half-sisters we don't know about. Our parents lie to us forever, and then they let the guilt overflow,

and then they get cancer in their 50s and 60s. Let's check in with Gorshkov. Yes, what does your brother think of your sister incest joke? I haven't done any stand-up in front of my family, so when they see this, I don't know what to think.

So you've always known that you've had a twin, right? Si. But you just found out that your brother is only your half brother. Yeah. Did that affect you deeply? No I didn't really care to be honest. My mom was calling me crying and shit and I thought like the dog

had died but I didn't really care like when she was like oh it's your half brother or whatever. Oh yeah no one cares. But he came out of her vagina right? Yeah yeah. It's a half-brother. Whatever. Oh, yeah. No one cares. But he came out of her vagina, right? Yeah, yeah. It's a different dad.

Was she with your dad when that happened? Or was she cheating on him? Was it the milkman's baby or something? What are we talking about here? The way I see it is, like, she had the kid, and then my dad came from Chicago, and he was like, I don't give a fuck. Right.

Let's just say it's my baby. How about that? And she's like, oh, my God. That might be a little cuckish, but I don't know. Yeah. No, it is. Just kidding. Your father is cuck of the year.

That's what they say. No. All right, Ethan. Well, unbelievable performance. Really good Anne Frank joke. Thank you. Ethan Felski, ladies and gentlemen. All right, Ethan. Well, unbelievable performance. Really good Anne Frank joke. Thank you. Ethan Felski, ladies and gentlemen.

There you go. That's how the magic happens. Sometimes to get a ticket to kill Tony, you have to have your bastard half-brother buy a ticket for you. Six months. That's great. Yeah. Hey, it's a one-word name. Let months. That's great. Yeah. Hey, it's a one-word name.

Let's see what happens here. Put your hands together for Bronson, everyone. Bronson is next. Let's see what happens here. Oh, wow. Here he is. One more time for Bronson, everybody. So my cat needs a pill twice a day,

and it's been that way a few years now, but early on in the process, this is how it went. I give him his pill, he'll fake swallow it, walk off, spit it behind the curtain, and then look at me like, go fuck your mother. And I could wear him down until he caved, but now he's on another level. I fear that I've created what could only be described as a furry little David Blaine. My wife had to step in, because now anytime I face him, he just punks me.

Yo, I'll watch him swallow his pill And two hours later I'll find in my jacket pocket Stuck to a silver dollar like Motherfucker And a little note that says Better luck next time Bitch Wow, look at that, Bronson Cute little joke you got there

Fuck yeah Look at you, Bronson. Cute little joke you got there. Fuck yeah. Look at you. I like your style, dude. Thank you. It's not too often we have gay magicians on this show anymore. Wow, it looks like we have the flight attendants two nights in a row. Bronson, Gorshkov, what do you think about this guy? He looks like a stretched out mortician.

He does. He does sort of have that look to him. You had a good joke, though, man. I mean, you made that work for you. You're working beats in here. You're taking your time. You're executing it. How long have you been doing stand-up?

First time. First time, everybody. Look at that. Wow. Very exciting. Sort of reminds me of me. Your appearance reminds me of me. You're like trying hard

even though the pieces don't fit at all together. Your shirt, you're like trying from the waist to the neck and your pants don't fit properly. You have too much shit in your pockets. It's all shit you figure out as time goes on. But you tried hard from the waist to the neck.

You have that cute little Michael Jackson nose going on. You have a little tiny nose. Has anyone ever told you you have a tiny nose before? Can you smell things? Yeah, I can. You have a notoriously tiny nose. My nickname in middle school was Half Pipe. Half Pipe?

Because it looks like a half pipe. Oh, is that what it is? Let me see. Let's see your profile. Let me see. Whoa, look out, Tony Hawk. Here we go. Now, that's fun.

How adorable. That was your nickname in middle school. Did you get bullied? Yeah. Oh, you did? What else did they make fun of? Just that? Do you have any bastard half-siblings or anything?

Yes, give Tony more ammo. It was just one kid in middle school that clung to that and his crony friend. His what? His crony friend. Right, right, right. Let me ask you this. How old are you now? 31.

31. Do you know how their lives turned out? Have you ever followed them or updates with them? You ever see them working at a Buc-ee's or anything like that? No, I'm from the Bay, like up in California, but I wouldn't be surprised, like our version of the Buc-ee's. Okay, but you're 31, and these were your classmates? My guess is that maybe one of them is a fucking virgin.

You know what I'm saying? Alex Garcia, 31 years old. Anyway. What is your cat sick with that you have to give it pills? His thyroid is all fucked up, so he takes methimazole. Everybody's having pussy problems up here at night. You know what I'm saying? His thyroid's fucked up.

What's your cat's name? Rocky. Rocky. You only cat's name? Rocky. Rocky. You only have one cat? Two. My cat's name is Ivan Drago. All right. Okie dokie.

What's your other cat's name? Bronson. Tiberius. But my fiance calls him, or my wife calls him Taco, and I call him Yos. Who calls him Taco? My wife. Oh, your wife. How long have you been married for?

My wife. Just recently. But we've been together since 2012. Just recently, 2012. Very cool. Where'd you meet her at? New York. New York.

Where were you doing there? After college, I did like a stint in San Francisco and then L.A. and then I moved to New York. As what, the butler for the Adams family? And sorry, what was your question? I asked you what you were doing in New York and then you told me that you lived in San Francisco and other places. I just moved there because I wanted to. Oh, okay.

How long did you live there for? I just moved there because I wanted to. Oh, okay. How long did you live there for? A year, and then we met and we taught English in Asia for two years. You taught English in Asia for two years with her? Yeah. You guys went to Asia together to teach English.

That's awesome. Where? First in Korea for a year, and then in Thailand for a year. Wow, look at you. Little world traveler on you, huh? Someone's not fucking half-pipe anymore, am I right? Well, that's fun. What does she do for work?

She's a high school teacher. She's a high school teacher. What is she teaching? World history, AP. Now, who had more trouble with? Is that last guy or the Asian kids you are teaching? That's a good question. Probably close. There you go. When you hear the word

Asian, you know you're going to get to hear the amazing instrument of Asia. That is a, what do they call that? No idea. Oh. There you go. Anyway, what ethnicity is your wife? She's like Irish Catholic, Scotch Irish and Italian. How about you?

What's your ethnicity, Bronson? A bunch of different things. On my mom's side, I'm Scotch Irish and a little bit of Norwegian. And then on my dad's side, I'm Colombian, African American. Oh, shit. Look out. Big Cock Jenkins over here. That's right.

So let me ask you this. Any special skills or talents or any fun hobbies or anything that would surprise us about you, Bronson? I'm rebuilding a 1972 Airstream that we picked up in Dallas. That's awesome. An Airstream that we picked up in Dallas. That's awesome. An Airstream? No way. Alright.

That's awesome. Most of my funny shit comes from my time in Asia though. Weird shit that happens. Like what? I went to a Korean bathhouse, which is pretty dope. Once you get over the naked thing, it's kind of weird

at first. But then they've got all these nice baths and shit. They have baths? At the bathhouse? They also have Koreans there? Yeah. Was it in a house?

Yeah. Alright. They also have Koreans there? Yeah. Was it in a house? Yeah. All right. But I left my clothes on the bench, and I guess you're supposed to put them in a locker. Yeah, you are. Came back out. No clothes. No.

Wow. Oh, shit. Did you just spend the rest of your time in Korea butt naked? They got those little hand towels, so for the next five minutes, I'm walking around with one of those little hand towels so most of them are for the next like five minutes I'm walking around with like one of those little hand towels like I can't even fucking read the signs and shit because it's

right a whole nother oh we've had a full cast recording has stopped. This is the first power outage in Kill Tony history. Two, two, two, two. So that says we're recording, but no audio is coming through the microphones,

but we're just going to roll with it. We're going to reset the sound. We're going to reset the lights, and everything's going to be magical again. Very exciting. It's weird that we didn't have a power outage last night. There's no point in talking into the microphone because it doesn't work.

No, no, but for later. I know, I guess so, but I'm still going to play to the live audience here. And we're back. Lights are out and sound is on, ladies and gentlemen. So I guess we are just a light board away

from restarting the show. Should we do a special haunted house version of... Here we are. Hello, everybody, and welcome to another episode of the show. Is the camera still rolling in the back? Look at this.

The Kill Tony Nation is lighting it up out there. This is incredible. It's like a bunch of little lightning bugs here tonight. How exciting is this? This is so cool. I've always wanted to perform during the purge. Very, very exciting. So the recording's working,

and we're just going to get lights back on. So what do you say we just keep going with the show, huh? All right, how about one more time for Bronson, everybody? There goes Bronson. I like it like this. You guys just keep your phones up this is actually a lot cooler than makes it interesting

this is actually pretty sweet we should do this all the time we should do this more often special lights out version of kill Tony if you want just keep the lights out we'll have them light the show for the rest of the episode I'm kidding when you get the lights on, just turn it back on.

All right, but we're going to keep it moving along since we have help from the A team out there. Let's see what happens next. Put your hands together for Candy, ladies and gentlemen. Candy, everybody.

Wow. She made the bucket and she has gotten pulled up on Kill Tony here she is it's Candy everyone yes my name is Candy it's spelled just like the stripper little about me diarrhea

runs in my family girls aren't funny guys say so the only way I can get your attention is to talk about sex so here we go my first orgasm I was seven and there was a tree in our front yard and it didn't have any bark and it was just like the smooth white trunk and about 10 feet up it was this Y and it was my goal to always shimmy up and touch the Y and then jump down one time I did it my eyes went back and it felt amazing in my happy place so I got off and then I went to go play with my friends a couple times. Yeah, that's another.

That's officially our second ever power outing. Wow. Wow. How exciting is this? You know, I know you guys are used to it here in Houston, but this level of unprofessionalism is new to us. It's so exciting. I know that to win baseball games, you guys have to hit trash cans and things like that. So you know what I mean?

Now I get it. That's fucking right, you cheaters. You fucking pieces of shit. Let's go, Dodgers. Wow. And we have, we have sound now and yet again,

no lights. This is incredible. I love it. Can I just say this is the funniest comedian I have ever seen. All right, Candy. I didn't finish my joke.

You want to finish it? There you go. I'll finish it. It's all good. This is a memorable set no matter finish it. It's all good. This is a memorable set no matter what happens. It's like Spirit Airlines in here. Damn.

So anyways, a couple times. Finish the joke you were doing. No riffing at this part, Candy. That was another joke. So sometimes that would happen every time I would climb this tree and then I would climb this tree, and then I would roll my eyes back and have a happy feeling between my legs, and then I would go play with my friends.

And, man, I wonder what that tree's up to nowadays. That's it. Fuck yeah, candy, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, can you repeat the last joke, but slower, please? Okay, cool. All right, Candy, so let's talk about it here. How long have you been doing stand-up? Tony, I've been waiting three years for you to pop my jerry.

Whoa, look at that. Candy talking dirty up here. Wow, incredible. What was that noise? What does that noise mean? Everything's still good? Everything's happening? All right.

There's a lot of hokey-dokey. There you go. Absolutely. All right. So, Candy, this is your first time ever doing stand-up comedy. Congratulations. Thank you. What Candy, this is your first time ever doing stand-up comedy. Congratulations. Thank you. What do you do for work?

I'm in marketing. Is that microphone working? Yeah. Okay, just project right into the tip of that thing. I'm in marketing and I do some other stuff on the side. Very cool. Whoa. Uh-oh.

Red Band would like to know your side hustle immediately. If there's anyone I know that fucking loves candy, it's this guy. Sweet, sweet candy. I'm not a cam girl, sorry. Oh, look at that. That's fun candy. So what else about your life? You married, have a boyfriend, anything like that?

I'm divorced. Uh-oh, look at that. How exciting. How long were you married for? Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Wow, our third ever film. This is incredible. Everything is still rolling with the recorder.

So for those of you listening to the show, listening to the pod, okay, and the sound is back on again. Wow, how exciting is this? This is a master class in what's called rolling with it, everybody. Is the power going out everywhere else or just? Yes. No, it's going out everywhere else. It went out in the green room for just a second, about ten minutes before the show started.

I noticed this, and I crossed my fingers that it wouldn't happen during the show. Is that another one? It appears as though we have a very extra special episode of either that either that's what's happening or Alex Garcia is pulling the transformer out of the wall connected to the

building. That really could be. This is so cool. I've always wanted to perform at a Backstreet Boys reunion concert. Backstreet's back. Tell mereet's back. Tell me why. All right. So have you ever thought about becoming a cam girl?

Okay, Brian, there you go. It makes it so much worse in the dark when Brian Redman asks these questions. So disgusting. Fun stuff, Candy. You have kids? I do. Yeah? How old are they?

I don't want to tell you. You don't want to tell me how old your kids are? No. Oh, my goodness. Why have kids? I do. Yeah? How old are they? I don't want to tell you. You don't want to tell me how old your kids are? No. Oh my goodness. Why is that? Because it'll give away my age. Oh, come on. In this lighting, you look young as hell. I look great in the dark. They're 17 and 18. 17 and 18?

My goodness. Look at you. Someone was fucking 19 years ago. Let's just say our women do not age as well in Russia. Oh, yeah. Wow. So 17 and 18. That's awesome. And I just met this big guy like right outside.

Oh, look at that. Bearclaw. Way to go. Alex was really sweet. You kind of look like Daisy Duke from Dukes of Hazzard. There you go. Red Band's not afraid to show his age at all. Hey, you know, you look like the guy Booker from The Three Stooges.

You know what Twilight Zone character you remind me of? I've never seen a woman in color before. My goodness. Didn't realize Dorothy from Wizard of Oz would be performing tonight. Yes. My favorite farmer from Laugh-In is so good. There you go. There you go. There it is.

As old of a reference as it gets right there. We just received that in Russia actually. Top hit show. Laugh-In. Very good. I love it. So Candy, what else should we know about you that is interesting about your life? One of my side jobs, I work in a movie company.

I'm a producer and actress. And Wednesday is my first red carpet premiere here in Houston. I'm so, so excited. Oh, my goodness. It's been my dream since I was a kid. Wow, that's so cool. My goodness. And let's face it, when you were a kid, they haven't even started making movies yet.

So, no, I'm kidding, Candy. It's funny because you showed vulnerability about your age. That's why it's funny. I'm proud. See, that's how life works. You show weakness, and then life attacks those weak points. Yes, Sith Lord Hinscliffe, praise upon you. Yes.

Only now in your final hour do you realize the true power of the dark side. Anyway. Candy, so much fun. You know, we haven't had a lot of ladies up the last few days. They seem a little bit scared to sign up for a show like this, but not you. Fearless. You've been listening to the show, like you said, for years, and you signed up. You got up.

You plowed through it. You went through listening to the show, like you said, for years, and you signed up, you got up, you plowed through it, you went through trials and tribulations. You'll never forget your first time doing stand-up comedy. Power going out, sold-out crowd, Houston, Texas. There she goes, Candy, everybody.

Wow. Completely incredible. We are lights out here in Houston, Texas. The lighting that you're seeing if you're watching this video is from cellular phones. That is incredible. What's that light up there? Is that a human being holding

that light in the corner? Or is that not a human being? That's just a spotlight. So the sound guy is working on the light board, correct? Very good. Candy, if you want to come to the ice house next week, also. From the lighthouse to the ice house. The lighthouse? It doesn't rhyme, but I don't know what comedy is.

Oh, you dirty bastard. All right. Oh, I know this guy. This is actually a nice guy that I met right before the show. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Radu Bondar, everybody. Radu Bondar. In a very special Lights Out Houston, Texas Kill Tony.

Make some noise for Radu Bondar, everybody. My wife was watching Downton Abbey on her laptop in total silence with headphones in for like 40 minutes. She just closes her laptop and looks up at me and goes, hey, you never come on my face. I was like, is that show different now? She was like, no, I was just thinking, you're kind of a pervert,

and you're never really asked to do that. I thought it was kind of weird. And I was like, no one's ever asked me to do that. And then she goes, I thought when we first started dating, you came on my face once. And I was like, no, it wasn't me and she just goes well who was that I like living in Texas you guys are famous for the worst things though

Texas has a bad habit of killing mentally disabled people on death row but I don't think it's out of hate, because you also elect those people governor here. Boom. Radu Bondar. Great set, man. Incredible stuff.

Thank you. Very good performance. Very fun. This is my first time doing a haunted house, so this is good. Hey, look at that. Very good. How long have you been doing a haunted house, so this is good. Hey, look at that. Very good. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy for? Six and a half years.

Six and a half years. Hell yeah, it shows. You plowed right through it. Very solid set the whole way through. Very funny. You look like the devil right now because of the flashing lights. I know. No, that is how he always looks.

Oh, thank you. Is this a bad time to bring up that I have epilepsy? always looks. Thank you. Is this a bad time to bring up that I have epilepsy? Yeah, we're going to have to put that in the beginning of the video.

Yeah. Yeah. So, Radu, let's talk about it. Six and a half years in the game and how long you been with your, did you say wife?

My wife. Yeah. We've been together like almost five years. Married for almost one. Five years. Married one. Very interesting.

And she was really watching Downton Abbey when this happened? No. That part is fiction. Right. But she did ask me like just out of the blue.

She was doing some other shit. Downton Abbey's a fun thing to, you know, make fun of. Right. It is. I hate the downstairs people. Have you ever watched it?

I have. I don't like the people downstairs. I like just the rich people. Right. How much of it have you watched? Just out of curiosity. Maybe like three hours, four hours. Four episodes, I guess. Three hours or four hours. I don't know if I've ever talked about this before.

I feel like maybe I have years ago. But a little fun fact is that the writer's room for the Comedy Central roast, that's a little bit different now. It's evolved because of diversity and shit like that. But at least a few years ago, it was a room filled

with the most monstrous, devastatingly hilarious, unbelievably edgy, crushing writers that you can imagine. It was these veteran writers that have only been writing mean jokes their entire lives. And they were joking

around the table one day during lunch about something like that about how they like Downton Abbey and the guy across the table was like yeah I love I love that shit you see what happened with whatever this week and blah blah blah and I'm like you guys are fucking kidding right you guys don't really watch Downton Abbey and they're like yeah it's the greatest fucking shit in the world you have to watch it you'll'll love it. And so I watched an episode, and then I watched two episodes, then three episodes, and I got hooked on Downton Abbey for a while.

What is it? How far into that did you want to get cum on your face? Very good. Yes, very good. Always very good. Thank you. Yes, very good. They just make every little thing matter in that show. Something's always at stake. Right. The writing is unbelievable. Anyway, very good. They just make every little thing matter in that show. Like something's always at stake. Right.

The writing is unbelievable. Anyway, the point is what's interesting is that it gives you a very realistic look on how fucking crazy England is with their classist. And this is something that's really interesting that we don't ever really talk about here in America. You know, if you go to England, the comedians there make fun of class a lot. It's a very, very big part of their comedic culture. And here in America, it's very much more about race

and other gay things, like low-hanging gay jokes. Right, exactly. But in England, a lot of the humor is about class because class is a bigger deal there. But it's not really a bigger deal there, is it? It's a huge deal here, but we feel bad for the poor people here.

Anyway, Downton Abbey is great at exposing a difference between rich people and poor people. This is exactly how I thought my segment would go if I got pulled. Oh, yeah, it's exactly how... I was like, we're going to dissect capitalism in the two parts of the West. Yeah, every once in a while on this show, we throw a little dose of

seriousness and comedic information out there, like the difference between the two sides of the world comedically. So I was talking about class and race. Since this is a show about stand-up comedy, I'm talking about the differences of comedy. If that's fucking okay with you, Randy. Oh! Six and a half

years I never brought up this subject, but since it happened during your spot, I guess you knew this was going to happen, you fucking piece of shit. Anyway, Radu, what ethnicity are you? I'm Romanian. You're what? I'm Romanian.

Romanian. White if you're educated. What do you think about that, Gorshkov? What are you oohing at? Are you racist? Very good. Gorshkov. Radu, can I just say I am a big

fan of your family's pasta sauce. I like very much. Every once in a while we eat it once a month as a treat. I think that's ragu that you're thinking. We have radu in Russia. It's just cigarettes.

Alright, Radu. I do not like that What ethnicity is your wife? Just full on white Full on white Top shelf And you're considered white too I am but like people Since 9-11 people especially in the south

People have like Don't listen to audience members Don't acknowledge to audience members. Don't acknowledge them. Welcome to show business. All people with weird names have kind of, we've had the same burden. People just think, I've experienced a lot of Islamophobia, but I don't feel bad about it. Because I'm like, no, I'm rich and white. Like, well, what have people said to you?

Go back to your country and you're like, it's filled with white people. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, it's like you, but thieves. Right. I get, I had, in one week I had someone be Islamophobic And then anti-semitic In the same week Someone thought you were Jewish

What did they say about you I was being mean to a security guard And he didn't know what to say So he yelled go back to Jew York to me Which I'm not from New York or Jewish But it was a nice compliment Where are you from originally Just Romania

I was born in that shit How old were you when you moved here or Jewish, but it was a nice compliment. I'm like, wow, thank you so much. Where are you from originally? Just Romania. Oh, you were born there. I was born in that shit, yeah. Oh, okay. How old were you when you moved here? Three. Three. And was that a weird transition, you think, for your parents? Romanians, straight to Houston, Texas? It was incredibly difficult. They came to a place where everyone's like, what the fuck are you?

Look at you. Right. Like, just talking, my parents felt shy and weird all the time. What language do they speak in Romania? Romanian. It's their own language? Yeah. It's actually, it's a Romance language. It's like Portuguese or Spanish or French.

Can you speak a little bit of it to us here? What? That means what do you want me to say? That was like a one word, dude. Say like a sentence. No, it's just fast and ethnic, but it's a bunch of different things. Say like a full sentence. No, it's just fast and ethnic, but it's a bunch of different things. Say like a full sentence. Wow, I love that.

Who the fuck is that cool black guy over there? That was perfect. 99.999% of the time I hate audience members saying actual words during the show. That was the.00001%. Nothing beats that. You just can't beat that. A cool black guy in the corner going, he can't speak it, he lying.

Do you speak Romanian? Shut the fuck up. Don't speak to him like that. Don't you talk to my new best friend in the room like that. You go back to your country. Yeah. Now, I don't know much about geography,

but is Romania near Hulkamania? Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, what is that? Oh, Petrusca. Oh. My sister is a very attractive woman.

Wow. We went from Ragu to Prego here real quick. All right, Radu Bondar. Well, very, very, very good set. Very impressive and great during the interview part, except for the moment where you got a little bit smarmy with me. That's how it goes. But there he goes.

Radu Bondar, ladies and gentlemen. Marmy with me. That's how it goes. There he goes. Radu Bondar, ladies and gentlemen. He's on social media at R-A-D-U B-O-N-D-A-R All one word. And Candy is Music Girl. M-U-Z-I-K

G-U-R-L-L Fuck yeah. I can't tell if the lights are on now or if they're just kind of. I think they're struggling with the lights. We died 30 minutes ago. This is like a zombie outbreak outside. That's right. That's what it could have been if Iranian missiles worked.

We're number one. We're number one. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Jared Hawley, everyone. Jared Hawley. Let's see what happens here. Is anybody out there?

Jared Hawley. Oh, here he comes. Jared Hawley? Oh, here he comes. One more time for Jared Hawley, everybody. My bad. What are you talking about? My whole life, I've been dealing with bitches that smell. You know what I'm talking about? Like, when I was a child my mom come in the room

looking for the piss you know what I'm talking about you're a little kid you only got a few options to do in your room while you're by yourself playing you ain't jacking off yet so you pissing fill the toy box up. That's what they do. They find the piss.

You know you pissed in there. You're a terrible person. You don't know it yet, but you are. Fill that toy box up. Male or female, we all pee. And then you become an adult. Jared Hawley, ladies and gentlemen. He did it.

Squows a minute, 14 seconds into that set. Hell yeah. Just put that anywhere you want, Jared. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Damn right. Hell yeah. Welcome to the show.

The rare homeless man on Kill Tony. He's been out back standing next to his barrel of fire. He was able to come in. Welcome, Jared. How are you? Doing fantastic, sir. Doing fantastic. Welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up? You have a gun in that pocket? What's going on over there? Is that pointed at me right now? Yeah, it is. Just kidding, Jared. How long have you been doing stand-up. You have a gun in that pocket? What's going on over there? Is that pointed at me right now? Just kidding, Jared. How long you been doing stand-up, my friend? A couple years. Very cool. Okay, good enough for me. How old are you? 34.

34. What do you do for work? I don't got no job. I know. I know, but I just wanted to ask. Look, if I had a job, why would I tell you? Why would you tell me? Exactly. Right.

Why would you answer any question that I ask you at all? I'll ask them both of them. All right. What do you want to tell me about you, Jared? Not a damn thing. Ask your questions, baby. Okay. What's the last job that you had before you were unemployed?

Oh, shit. What'd I do? I sold cocaine. Oh. Very good. Was that a good business for you? Did you get in trouble at all ever? No, it was cool. That's cool. How long did you do that for, if you had to guess? Ten years.

But you don't do it anymore, but you won't tell me what you would do if you did do it. Yeah, because that's the thing. I stopped a long would do if you did do it. Yeah, because it's like, that's the thing. I stopped a long time ago. All right. Hell yeah. Never did it again.

We all believe you, my friend. We all fuck up. What? Hey, shit. Hey, look. I could have did better. It's one of those moments where honesty beats everything. You could write and write and write.

You can't come up with... No one could come up with anything funnier than I could have done better. That's great. Hell yeah. Hitting a vape pen. Absolutely. You look like Reggie Watts if he was from Watts. Yeah.

I love it. Still got those worker boots, though, for an unemployed guy. That's pretty impressive. So, Jared, what's your love life like? What's this deal with stinky women? My what? Huh?

Alright. Hold on. Let's take a one step at a time. Sexy. Hold on a second. Look. I got a wife. But I'm trying to find a girlfriend. Petruska's taking a hit of his cocaine pen. We've seen this before. Nothing better than Petruska,

the cast member that is known for having panic attacks. that is known for having panic attacks. I love it. So, Jared, what's your love life like? You have a girlfriend? Oh, yeah, I got a wife. Oh, yeah? How long you been married for?

Since August. That's cool. Where'd you meet this girl at? Fuck, where'd I meet this bitch? I don't know. I met her. It was cool, man. I met her. It was cool, man. I met her in Austin, Texas.

Yeah. This is shaping up to be a beautiful love story. Pretty good, yeah. Hey, she was from Australia. She started talking that fly shit. She's like kangaroo, koala. I was like, cool. Yep.

That's adorable. Didgeridoo, didgeridoo. That's it. Big old booty. And that's when you started, that's when you visited Australia. You lit your typical fire in a dumpster. It fell over into a koala sanctuary, and then you came back here, right? Yeah, no, yeah, yeah.

I started that fire. Absolutely. There you go. I was there for six months. When I left, the next thing I heard, this shit was on fire God damn right Absolutely, Jared You have any special skills or talents?

You play music or do any acting or anything like that? No, no I mean, every now and then I smoke a bunch of weed with people Oh, that is a very special skill I'm real good at smoking weed with people Like, you know, anybody next to me If I got weed, they can smoke weed too. This is true.

I just did it with him. Yeah, it's true. This guy tells it like it is. That is true. You can smoke weed. You ever smoke weed with anybody famous or cool or anything like that? I don't think so. Eric.

Wait, no, wait. Petruska's off the table on this one. Go ahead. My sister is doing her mating call. What's it called? What's it, Danny Brown? Danny Brown, yeah. That's a good one.

We smoked weed with Danny Brown before. Eric Andre. Actually, I don't know if that dude smoked weed with me. I just know I was smoking a lot of weed around him. That's right. That happened. He might know if that dude smoked weed with me. I just know I was smoking a lot of weed around him. That's right. That happened. He might have smoked. He might have not have.

Who's the other one? The one, Ron Funches, he owed me 50 cents for a blunt. Wow. You're holding him to that, huh? Oh, yeah. I'm petty. Wow. That's incredible.

Actually, I don't care. One time I smoked near a TV. Yo, TV. Cadillac's famous. All right. I love it. Wow, Jared. So you have yourself a little Australian wife, huh?

Yeah. That's cool. Has she ever done anything different than anyone else that you've been with in the bedroom where you're like, whoa, Australia, they're crazy. Anything wacky like that? She wants to peg me. She what? She wants to peg me.

Wow. She wants to peg you. We actually learned what that was recently on the show. Yeah. I told her no. Uh-huh. But I mean, look, man, I've been for the long haul. If she can wear me down, good for her.

Wow. Look at that. She can wear me down. Good for her. Wow. Look at that. That's, again, brutal honesty from Jared Hawley, saying that perhaps over time she could convince you.

Right. Wow. What do you think about, maybe there's a way to do this where you would start small. Has she ever stuck, like, a pinky in your ass or anything like that? You got to wear me down? She's got to wear you down. She can't even get near it yet. She gets halfway down your gooch area, and you're like, da-da-da-da me down. She's got to wear you down. She can't even get near it yet. She gets halfway down your gooch area

and you're like, da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, like, no, look. Look, you can lick my asshole, I don't mind. You know, that changed my life. But... Wait, she did that? She did do that? Huh?

She did that? I mean, every time my asshole been licked, changed my life. My God. I bet. I can't imagine how dirty it must be back there. Actually, man, you'd be surprised. I don't know.

I always like to do the wipe check. You know what I'm talking about? Like, if you know the girl's going to eat your butt, go ahead and hit that guy. How do you know? Is there ever like a mood ring for that or something? Where you know you're about to get your ass eaten? It's wishful thinking. Uh-huh.

You know, you want to think. If you put out positive shit in the earth or something, be positive. That's what I always say. I always make a very special point. Look at this audience. All of them get their ass eaten all the time. That's true. Except for the one 31-year-old virgin in the back of the room.

You suck, dog. Hey, more brutal honesty. Change your life. My goodness. I wish you lived in L.A. We'd have a little 20, 30-second segment at the end of every show called Brutal Honesty with Jared Hawley. Interesting stuff, Jared.

Very fun. You're right. He does suck. And you know what you said that I like is that thing that you said about putting positive energies out there in the earth. I agree with that completely. Let's check in with Gorshkov. Yes, there is an ancient Russian proverb that goes,

if you put out positive energy into the universe, eternally you will have your asshole licked. Yes, that's true. Well, Jared, fun stuff, dude. It was a fun performance. What happened with the mic stand? That was an accident, right? You dropped it on Gorshkov there.

It's okay. I have your back. You got my back? Oh, yeah. A little bit of Russian interference with your performance. There he goes. Jared Hawley, everybody. He's on social media at Lil House Husband, all one word.

That'd be a good trip. Lil House Husband. What's going on now? What's he doing? Oh, shit. He's touching people and shit on his way out. He just touched Andrei Arlovsky. I think somebody's giving people money when they get off stage. Is that what's happening?

Are you giving people money? No. Okay. Good. No, there's not money being handed out, if you're wondering. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for James Arden. James Arden. Everybody. Where's James at? Is he coming? Is that him? Oh, shit. Look at this guy. Real Texas dude coming on stage. Fuck yeah. Here he is, everybody. One more time for James Arden.

everybody. One more time for James Harden. Yeah, my name is James Harden. I know what you're thinking. It's the same thing I get asked all the time when I'm at the drive-thru at the bank. Are you related to him? Yes, he was a mailman's

kid. And no, the beard is not just because of him. So anyways, I pissed on my dog one time. I feel like everybody that's a guy at one point in their life sleepwalks and pees on something. Got a buddy over there that peed in the drawer of his dresser. My brother peed in the fridge.

So anyways, I'm peeing on this dog. And my wife wakes me up. Come on. She goes, what are you doing? I said, no, it's okay. It's a girl. My goodness. Wow.

You really peed on your dog, dude? Oh, yeah. A Great Dane. Wow. Look really peed on your dog, dude? Oh, yeah. A great dame. Wow. Look at that. Was the dog, like, licking it up, or was it just... The saddest part is he was literally just laying in his bed in the corner of our room, just fucking taking it.

He liked it. He liked it. He's like Arf Kelly. What the hell was that? Alright Hey Think about it Every night and day Spread my legs

And piss away Alright Back to James Harden. And I messed up your name because your H looked a little bit like two A's back to back here. But that is interesting. James Harden in Houston, Texas. Except I spelled it right. Right, right, right. Not like those people spell it.

You know what I mean? No. I don't want to make my one friend mad at me. I'll be careful over here. I can't see him. Is he still there? Alright. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. No, I just saw him.

I saw the light part of his palm for a second. Oh! Oh! This is my first time in public. Oh! Alright. James Harden. So thank you, Gorshkov. Very good.

Okay, there we go. So, James, what do you do for work? You're a real Texas guy, Texas man. You look like you stop in Bucky's for a coffee once a day, right? I'm a landscaper. There you go. Goddamn right. Absolutely.

Got the sunglasses on the ball cap. You got a Silverado or a Ram? Silverado, baby. Fuck yeah. Are you a Silverado guy, Tony? Goddamn right. You know, a lot of people don't know this, but I live a secret double life. I live in Texas sometimes.

I just have a little place here. I got a Silverado. I got a couple black friends and float the river. You know what I mean? Sometimes I just do some window washing at a Bucky's and go about the rest of my day. You know what I mean? Piss on a dog.

You know what I mean? It's the kind of stuff Texas dudes do. You know what I mean? I go down to the pit, eat some brisket, put it on some cornbread, whatever the fuck. Anyway, so James Harden, what do you think is the most Texas thing about you? What's the most, you know, you got the landscaping, you got the Silverado, but I want to know what you think, because there must be a lot that we don't know about you. What's the manliest man thing about you? Well, I like to say that I'm a real man of my word. There's more to this. It came to fruition one day when my buddy bet me that I wouldn't tattoo my nipple black. Uh-huh. And you said you're a man of your word.

But I said, I'll do that. Yeah. But you've got to get a black dick tattooed on your ass. Oh. And then what happened? No fucking way. No fucking way. No way. Oh, my God.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Look at you. Fucking nipsy hustle over here. Goodness. Yeah, is your friend here by any chance with the black dick on his

ass? Oh, of course he is. He is? Really? That's why I brought it up. Let's bring this guy up here. What's his name, James? Cody Spears. Cody Spears, ladies and gentlemen. Here he comes. Be careful. Help him up.

Help him up. Help him up. Help him up help him up help him up help him up there you go hell yeah Cody fuck yeah god forbid there you go thank you Gorshkov thank you Gorshkov thank you hell yeah god forbid you leave your beard down by your seat for one second but uh

hell yeah alright uh Cody I got bad news for you we all need to see that black dick you know what I'm saying? I know. Oh, my God. You got to be kidding me. You got to be fucking kidding me. Wait, what's going on?

What's this debate? What's this Tom Brady-like huddle going on over here? Wow. Woo! Oh, my God. If that isn't the smallest black dick I've ever seen in my life. Texas tattoo artists are like, this is probably how big it is. I heard they were huge.

No, you stay up here, Cody. So to give it perspective as well, part of the bet was that I would get my nipple tattooed black because he's got a chest piece and it's not on his nipple. And I was like, you're a pussy. You should have got your nipple tattooed. So my thing was like, you're going to get a black dick. But then I was like, wait, let's put some rules to this.

So that's actually six inches of shaft. Wow. With balls and a vein. Because that was all part of the bet. I thought it was a circumcision scar. What, Cody? I want to hear what this fucking do. Face the audience, Cody.

Cheat towards the audience. I thought the vein was a little much, but I agreed because we were drunk under the conditions of the actual bet, but the actual bet itself was stupid. Oh, this is awesome.

We made it completely official because we wrote it on the back of a CBS receipt and signed it. And there's more to this. There's another guy out there with a black dick on his ass because he came over to the house one night to drink and goes, you won't do that, and signed his name to it.

Wow. Now, Martin, I know you're out there somewhere. Martin Bernard. But you're out there, buddy. His parents live in Waco, Texas. Oh, my God. That's true. That is true.

You are a man of your word, man. That's fucking awesome. Some people say I lost the bet, but I think I won. Yeah, 100%. You two need to get your own fucking sitcom on ABC is what you guys need. I want to hang out with these guys. You guys look like fun. Fuck yes.

My God. Everyone knows if you write it on the back of a CVS receipt, it's legit forever. Let's check in with Gorshkov over here. No, that holds up in court of law. Back to you. That's right. My goodness, James. So, now we know that you're a man of your word.

I asked you what the manliest thing about you is and all that. Now I want to know. This is going to be a two-parter since we have Cody up here. By the way, which friend is driving you guys home tonight? Uber. Uber, baby. Uber, baby.

And their sand shuttle. Their home is parked outside. It's called Trailer. Alright, so I asked you the manliest thing about you. Now I'm gonna go the other direction. I'm gonna ask you, what is the most feminine thing about you that would surprise us? We know that you're a couple tough Texas dudes.

You don't go anywhere without a Lone Star in your hand at all times. You know what I mean? You got the Chevy Silverado. You probably got a can of tobacco somewhere in your jacket pocket, right? So what's something that would surprise us on the feminine side of you guys? What would we be shocked to know that you guys like to do or something about you or something that you've done before? Like one example for me is I've plowed through almost, oh, look at that, he's grabbing the mic. Like I said earlier that I watched every episode of Downton Abbey and enjoyed it.

So like what's your guys' version of that? Go ahead. I wouldn't say I have a version of it, but I like dance. Really? What kind of dance do you like? I have dance. Really? What kind of dance do you like? I have children. What? Cody, what kind of dance do you like?

I have children. Children? Y'all may... Face the audience. I have children. Uh-huh. And so people may think it's funny, but boy, I tell you what. Them little babies will get you dancing.

What kind of... Hold on. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. They'll get you dancing. They'll make you feel like you're a whole other person. What kind of music do you love to dance to? What kind of music?

That I love to dance to? I love to dance to R&B music. I love R&B music. Like what? What's like a song that pops in your head? If you got some music, Soul Child, you know what I'm saying? Some Soul Child. You know, people very hard to listen to.

Brian spells soul like soul of a shoe. Hey, you know what? People don't like it, but R. Kelly, baby. R. Kelly, baby. Don't hate on it. Don't hate on it. Everybody loves it. Everybody wants to hear it.

People like to move to it. Tony. Alright. One, two, three. Everybody. Everybody. My body is telling me

yes. Run away. Run away. I'm out later. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, No? You don't like the ass eating? Hey, Tony. We want to see some of your dance. Yeah, dance. Let's check in with Gorshkov, yes. My sister Petrushka and I would like to officially challenge you to a partner dance battle. Here. Here, give me that microphone, James. Bring it over here so the cord isn't in your guys' way here.

And then here we go. Let's see what happens here. Now, I have to warn you two that if you win this dance competition, you will be the new saxophone player and drummer for Kill Tony. This is the first ever Russian dance-off. Wow. Look at this. They are going over their strategies right now. Petruska looking. Are they going to go first? You're going to take turns? All right. Going first, ladies and gentlemen, Texas' own James and Cody. Here we go.

Two Texas tough guys going at it right now. They're twirling each other around. Camouflage baseball caps. There's a beard. Whoa. Oh, they said it's your turn. Two, two, three, four, five. They just switched it up.

They said it's their turn. All right, defending their throne. This is the first time we've ever actually seen the Russian break dancers truly break dance. We're here in Texas. The two Texas tough guys just put on a hell of a show let's see what happens I present to you defending the throne Gorshkov and Petruska it's the dumbest show ever

oh my god. Wait a second. Oh wow. Wow. My goodness. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Wow. This gives a whole new meaning to the term Russian meddling over here.

My God. Incredible performance. How many of you have Cody and James winning that one, huh? That's a pretty good amount of people. How many of you have Gorshkov and Petruska winning, huh? There you go. Wow. Wow. Petruska winning, huh?

There you go. Wow. Wow. To think of how shockingly close we were to having to teach James how to play saxophone. I'm going to be honest with you, Tony, I don't know what the fuck this thing is. Tony has a contract for a show. You give them a CVS receipt.

I love it. Can I just tell you from a logical standpoint, which is going on with the talk before we started dancing, is my sister Petrushka, when we were planning the dance, said to me, I'm going to pull my pants down and you start doing me doggy style. I had no time to process this thought. I started doing it

and I brought shame to Russia immediately. My mother, her mother, my father, his fathers, all ashamed of us. But we did it for you,

Houston. That's right. Everything's for you. James, James, that's right everything's for you James James absolutely incredible performance probably my favorite of the night incredible interview you handled it unbelievably well Cody fucking beautiful

man you guys are awesome thank you so much for coming out how about another hand for Cody and James, everybody? That's you, yep. Yep. Fuck yes. My goodness gracious.

Unbelievable. Hell yeah. Wow. This party's out of control tonight. Power was out, and yet we've never been more powerful at the same time perhaps one of the perhaps one of the uh one of those moments where you realize on this show what the fuck you guys think we should go to this bucket one more time huh let's see what happens here let's see what happens okay let's see what happens here.

Let's see what happens. Okay. Let's see what happens here. The lovely stylings of Leah Sampson, everybody. Leah Sampson. Leah. Here she comes, everybody. Come on, make some noise for Leah Sampson, everyone.

Hello. A little bit about me. I like my men how I like my coffee. Black, thanks. And available in the lobby of an abortion clinic. That way I know that he and I both have the same political views, you know? It also shows that he's reliable and that he has $500. That's important. Following my dreams is expensive.

I used to have a type with guys. I used to like guys who had tattoos that described who they are, you know? Anybody else? Piece of shit? Okay, so. Like I like a dude that has like a tattoo of like a crab, you know, cause he's a Cancer. Or like a tattoo of like Chinese symbols,

cause he's American. And... Yes, I've dated white men before. I did that one time. It was tax season. He was kind, he was very attentive. He was like, babe. I was like, Trevor. He said, can I touch your hair?

I was like, of course. Can I touch your trust fund? I'll give you a cultural experience. You give me a fucking house, nigga. Okay? Thank you. Leah Sampson, everybody. Fuck yeah. Murder's Row up here tonight.

Very great performance, Leah Sampson. Thank you. Awesome. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. Three years. All of it here in Houston? No, I started in Austin.

I'm from Houston originally. You're from Houston originally. Do you live here now or do you live in Austin? I'm here for a little bit. Awesome. Really, really great performance. Thank you live here now or you live in Austin? I'm like here for a little bit. Awesome. Really, really great performance. Great pacing,

great jokes, everything, the whole thing. Thank you. And I'm sober, so I'm very proud right now. Uh, you're sober.

Thank you. That's by choice? Uh, yes. Um, yeah. Uh oh. Like when your pee turns orange,

it's a thing. And also, uh, when what turns orange? Your pee. Oh, what does that mean? You're not drinking enough water and you're drinking too much tequila. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. And like no bullshit. I actually just came back from Colorado and it's a real thing about the elevation stuff. Yeah, it is. Which is like the way the government keeps black people out of Colorado and I get it. Oh, very interesting. Fucked me up, man. White girls are breathing. I'm it. Oh, very interesting. Fucked me up, man. White girls are breathing.

I'm dying. It was a mess. Like, I know. I drank, literally, I drank like three glasses of wine and one shot of tequila, which is like a Monday, and I was done.

Like, fucked up. Throwing up. It was bad. That is an interesting theory about black people in Colorado. It's very true. It's true. There's only five black men in Denver.

They call them the Nuggets. Oh. It's a hacky joke. It's as hacky as it gets. Aren't they all light-skinned, though? So it's like kind of. I guess so. Yeah.

You know, white people all think all black shades are black. Heck yeah. What kind of guys are you into? Just black? Dick. Whoa. Look at that. Let me ask you this. How about dicks tattooed on asses? Are you into those Just black? Dick. Whoa, look at that. Let me ask you this. How about dicks

tattooed on asses? Are you into those? I'm kidding. Okay, that whole situation took me back to 2014, Leah. You know what I'm saying? Was that your first abortion? Uh-oh. Callback. She's actually thinking about it.

It doesn't make sense. What are you talking about? It doesn't make sense. That's so many. What are you talking about? It doesn't make sense. It doesn't. That's what he does. Okay. So is that true, though? Have you had an abortion?

Well, the fun abortion. Fun abortion. Plan B. Oh, hell yeah. That's like Tic Tacs for me. Hey, goddamn. Aren't you a little? But he pays for it.

I would like to marry you right now. You got money. You have to be selective with your abortions. What do you mean by define abortions? Did you have a toilet baby or did you have a stillborn?

You guys want to do it all at the same time on this one? One, two, three. Trash can. What I did. You know what you did. So Leah... Oh, sorry. Black people don't have real trash cans. We have grocery bags, so that just kind of...

So a bag baby. Sure. I love that. I love that. That is so fun, Leah Sampson very very cool stuff so what do you do for work whatever I can find right right I'm a comedian

actually I so I do like comedy and acting but bartending that's like that's my shit that's what I do and it's an easy way to make a lot of money it is work that a few nights and also do stand up comedy as well that's a good way to do it if you can do it work that a few nights and also do stand-up comedy as well that's a good way to do it if you can do it yeah i'm too cute for uber i just it's spooky i can't do it right right it's scary you've done it before though i've been in the car

with people right driving right if that counts yeah sort of sort of. A little bit. I was in the front seat so I kind of pretend. I love it. You have any special hobbies or talents or skills or anything that you're into when you're not doing stand-up? Something to take your mind off at all? Drinking.

Drinking? I don't know. I do weird shit. Like I do my own nails, you know, because I'm poor. This girl wild. I don't fucking. I dance. I, you know. Uh-oh.

I. Wow. Oh, shit. Cody's over here, shit. Cody's over here talking shit. I don't have enough privilege to talk that shit. Y'all did. So keep it, brother. Keep it.

And the interesting thing is he has more black dick on his ass than yours has probably ever had. Because he has one tattooed on there. Okay. Yeah, that's why. That's fine. Good for him. It's there permanently. There's no way you could technically have that much black dick on your ass. Okay. Yeah, that's why. It's there permanently. There's no way you could

technically have that much black dick on your ass. Whoa. Oh, wow. No. Maybe you have. Like, I'm dating a black guy, and it's like this is on YouTube. Okay. So his dick is huge. It's really big.

Yeah. He's, you know, all my, you know. What does that mean? What does that mean? He was rolling dice? You know, when you're like. He was making pigeons come out of his. That's about as much dick, black dick I've had, like, technically on my ass.

You know what I'm saying? Wow. Is that weird? Is it weird for've had, like, technically on my ass. You know what I'm saying? Wow. Is that weird? Is it weird for a girl to have a dick on her ass? You guys are so fucking weird. Listen to all these other sluts out there. I'm with you, girl. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. That is so fun. Well, Leah, wow. Anything else you think we should know about you or your life story or anything like that? Ooh. I don't really know. I mean, no. Like, no.

No. Not that I'm not interesting. I just don't have, like, I can't fucking, like, you know. No, we're not cutting the show. Very interesting. We are all listening to you right now. Thank you. We are not looking at Tony and Brian talking in the corner.

I'm really good at bargaining. It's not apparent whatsoever. Keep talking to me, Gorshkov, over here. I would like to marry you. I would like to take your hand. I'm really good at bargain shopping. Like, I can survive off of $10. I think that's pretty fascinating in this economy.

Absolutely. Heck yeah. I'd like to see your CBS receipts. How about one more time for Leah Sampson, everybody? Leah underscore Sampson won. Normally that's where we would end this show, but we had an entire caravan of people fly out here this weekend from where they're from and respective places, and out of this giant group of people,

I met a young lady last night who signed up for the bucket. They went to San Antonio and both shows here in Houston. She didn't get pulled out of the bucket. And I would just love to see her. She's very excited to try stand-up, I do believe, for her first time. What's that name? What? Banties?

Brandy. Very good. Brandy what? Brandy what? Brandy Banties? Brandy. Very good. Brandy what? Brandy what? Brandy Banties. Well, let's do it, ladies and gentlemen, shall we? Put your hands together for Brandy Banties, everyone. Here we go.

Magic is about to go down. Here's music coming. The band is helping, I do believe. That awesome Baby Shark song that everybody loves so fucking much. Everybody loves it. Hell yeah. Here she comes. Ladies and gentlemen, Brandi Bantzis, everyone. Houston, this is it. Your final comedian of the night, Brandi Bantzis. Give me a second. I'm kind of blanking out. I mean it.

This is really your final comedian of the night. We've had a lot of fun here. We just did three Kill Tonys here in Texas. It's incredible what we have accomplished. And I present to you your final comedian of the night, Brandy Banties. I've got an Android, so my fucking phone is slow as shit. Give me a second. I've got an Android, so my fucking phone is slow as shit.

Give me a second. She's just got to upload her set real quick, and after that, she's going to start. How about one more time, good and loud, for Brandi Banties, everyone. Alright. As the Houston Hopscotch champion, Mandy Bantzis, everyone. All right. As the Houston Hopscotch champion,

I'm going to have to ask you guys to all please be respectful. Stay seated. I perform sit-down comedy only. No, I have body dysmorphia. I physically identify as 5'3", not 5'9", No, I have body dysmorphia. I physically identify as 5'3", not 5'9", and you guys caught me in the middle of my transition. That's really how you guys know it's real. If you're willing to cut part of your body off for it.

You know those people at the Renaissance festival want to pretend to be a pirate they just put on a fucking eye patch well you know those fuckers don't have fucking commitment okay that's all i got there you go 54 seconds from brandy Banshee, everyone. Brandy Banshees. Fuck yeah, Brandy. Hold on to that microphone. Talk right into the end of it. Okay. How are you?

That was your first time doing stand-up comedy, correct? Yeah, dude. Hell yeah. How did it feel? Fucking weird. There you go. That's, again, I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, Red Band. You think he's the one missing a leg over here.

Am I right? Anyway. So, Brandy, welcome, welcome, welcome. That's your first time to stand up. Where are you from? I'm originally from Columbus, Ohio. Originally from Columbus, Ohio. Fuck yeah.

How about now? Yeah, dude. I live in Houston. I've lived in Houston since I was like 15. Oh, okay. So you are from here in Houston very cool very fucking cool so what happened with your leg

so I have lupus and I oh wow I have a friend that has lupus his name is William Montgomery I don't know if you know that I heard of him I talked to him last night we talked to him on the discord

oh you did oh cool he has a lot of ailments I talked to him last night. We talked to him on the Discord. He was hanging out with us. We were hanging out with him for a while. He has a lot of ailments. We never see any of the side effects. We talked about his Legionnaire's disease. I miss him. Lupus, what is that? How do you get that?

A wolf bites you. It's a genetic disorder. Genetic? You were born with it? Yeah. It's in genetic disorder. Genetic? You were born with it? Yeah. It's like in your DNA. It'll show up for no reason. It's an autoimmune disorder, so basically your autoimmune system attacks your body. Right.

Right. Hell yeah. That's interesting stuff. It's fucking cool. My body kills itself. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Better your foot killing itself than other parts, right?

Right. I've already got one foot in the grave. That's right. What did you do with your foot? What? What did you do with it? Oh. Did they take it and put it in a medical container or did you get to keep it or what?

Oh, no. Yeah, she took it to a taxidermist. It's on her mantle now. Is there something fun that you did with it or what? Oh, no. Yeah, she took it to taxidermist. It's on her mantle now. Is there something fun that you did with it or anything like that? No, but I hope the ghost of it is like tripping people somewhere. It is. It is. That ghost

of the foot. The old foot ghost. That's fun. You know like Thang from the Addams Family except a foot. We can't quite hear it. You have to... Like Thang from the Addams Family. Oh, yeah, yeah can't quite hear it. You have to... Like thing from the Addams Family. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, but a little foot out there crawling around. Absolutely.

Brandy, what do you do? You have a job? No, dude. I'm on Social Security Disability. Hey, America. Fuck yeah. Goddamn taxpayers out there like, all right, I guess it's worth it. I love it.

So fun. What do you like to do for fun? Watch you guys. Hell yeah. What else? Yeah when you're not attending emo night next door what do you like to do? Yes. Writing. I fucking read. I'm a nerd.

Yeah you like reading. Hang out with my dog. Got a dog named Forest that I adopted. Forest? Yeah. That's adorable. He's fucking doofy as shit. Hell yeah. He's a little bit slow?

He's a little slow, yeah. Nice. Heck yeah. Well, that's probably good. Is he a seeing foot dog? Does Forest call you Lieutenant Ben? Yeah, and when I got my social security disability,

he said, I didn't have to worry about money no more. Fuck, yeah. What's your love life like, Brandy? Is there someone... I am on Tinder. Whoa, on Tinder. Hell yeah. Look at this catfish city on Tinder. Whoa, on Tinder. Hell yeah. Look at this. Catfish City over here.

No, I'm kidding. I'm just kidding. Shoot. Nothing better than some of that good old Houston catfish. You know what I'm saying? No, I love it. That's so fun. Is that an interesting thing that comes up on dates and things like that?

I mostly just troll those fuckers, dude. You what? It's so fun to just troll those fuckers. Right? Absolutely. It's really just, but you meet up sometimes,

right? What happens? You just sort of like, you're like, just come to my place. I'm already under the covers in bed. Just, uh,

come on over and fuck the foot out of me. You know what I'm saying? They're like, I noticed you only have only left shoes on your doormat out front. She's laughing. You fuckers better be. If she's laughing. Typical Kill Tony diehard fan. The best senses of humors.

And you guys, they run a whole thing. They're super, super, super extreme Kill Tony fans. This whole group that has been hanging out, that have been coming to all the shows here in Texas together. You're with a group that some of them flew from, what is it? North Carolina and a bunch of other places, right? You guys have been having fun together. That's why I wanted to get a chance to get

you up here for your very first time. Giving it a try. I met you last night. You told me that you wanted to try it. So we figured, why not? If you guys watch Kill Tony, if you ever watch us live, check out the Discord app. Check out the Kill Tony group.

It's a really good group of people and it's fun. It's like a watch party. Hell yeah. You guys have a leg up on all the other Kill Tony fans. You know what I mean? Let's check in with Gorshkov real quick. Yes, my favorite dirty website in Russian is pornnub.com.

Hey, Pornnub. Oh my goodness gracious. There's guys that are into things like that, right? Yes, his name is Gorsko. Hey. I love it. Well, Brandy, thank you so much for coming up here.

You're amazing. We're so happy to have you. Brandy Bantis, everyone. Closing out tonight's episode. I'm not going to kick wood tonight. That's the episode of, that's tonight's episode of Kill Tony Houston. Did you guys have fun?

Alright. For those of you listening to the show, do not forget, we're coming near you. Vancouver, Kill Tony East, La Jolla, Ventura, Boston, and Austin are all on the docket for now. Many more announcements coming up for 2020, and the state of Kill Tony is strong. Strong as a bull.

How about one more time for the great Jeremiah Watkins, everybody? He's headlining now. He's a fucking headliner. Catch Jeremiah Watkins headlining shows in Buffalo, Syracuse, Albany, all in the month of February. JeremiahWatkins.com for tickets. He's also doing Tahoe January 16th. He's got a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders Out with Pete Holmes.

Of course, he's Jeremiah's stand-up on social media, but you know that because you listen to every episode of the fucking show. He's Jeremiah Watkins on YouTube. Anything else, Jeremiah? Thank you for the opportunity to be here. There you go. Absolutely. And is there a lovelier lady in this world than the beautiful Petruska?

How about one more time for the great Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez? Huh? and the beautiful Petrusca. How about one more time for the great Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, huh? He's mostly sorry on social media, all one word. He's an official Ludwig artist. Anything else, Joel? Close out this Texas weekend?

Houston, it's been fucking so much fun. We love you. Thank you for coming out. We love you. We love you. We love you. Infinite CBD, Lyric Hot Hotels The Pit Barbecue my goodness we've had so much fun here this weekend such a

wildly successful weekend thank you guys for coming out not only to the Kill Tonys but also the very fun stand up shows that we've been having here this weekend we had a blast performing in front of you guys it's no secret I absolutely love Texas we come to Dallas, Houston, Austin, San Antonio

multiple times a year, many times more than we go anywhere else, and that's because you people are real fucking people, real Americans, real good human beings of all different shapes, sizes, colors, smells, everything. Gorshkov? Do we want to tell them how we're doing the meet and greet? Yeah, sure.

Ryan J. Ebelt drew specific Texas Kill Tony posters. If you weren't here last night and didn't get one, you can buy them. You can get a picture with us. I'm also selling Kill Tony pins and Tony Hinchcliffe pins. If you want, I could take a black sharpie and draw a mustache on the pin for no additional cost.

And we're going to be doing that meet and greet on this stage. So it's immediately after the show. Make a single file line and we're going to do it that way or something like that. And we're going to get through it all together. If you don't want to, go out that way. But if you do want to, we'll see in a bit. Get a picture and a handshake and whatever. And I want to give a shout out to our regulars,

William Montgomery and David Lucas. They have a new podcast together that I produce called Brothers in Cursive. So check it out, DeathSquad.TV. Thanks a lot. That's right. And we also have a third regular, Michael Lehrer, who has his first ever regular spot tomorrow night

live at the Comedy Store with Pauly Shore. So keep listening, and that episode's going to start right now. Good night, Houston. Good night.me meme me me me憧れてあ、う、あ素敵さそのあたり

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