KILL TONY - KILL TONY #430

Episode Date: January 17, 2020

Pauly Shore, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 01/13/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Nachos! Hey, I'll take some. And some Frank's Red Hot. Nah. You're just gonna eat these boring nachos with no flavor. Uh... Frank it up! Frank it up! This guy finally gets it.

It's the perfect blend of flavor and heat. Frank's Red Hot. I put that sh** on everything. This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping.

Robo code searching. It takes skill. Speed. Sweat. Unless we're talking Kudo's new phone, internet, and streaming bundle. With the Happy Stack, you can sit back and stack up the savings on Kudo Internet, a sweet phone plan, Netflix, Disney+, and Amazon Prime, all starting at just $99 a month.

Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack, only at Kudo. Conditions apply. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to all the shows. And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live.

We're at the Comedy Store every Monday at 8 o'clock, but we're always on the road, so click on Tour Dates to see where we're at next. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own tour dates, like his comedy shows. He also has some merch up there, so check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, that's the house artist. He drew the Kill Tony book. He has a bunch of stuff for sale.

Check out RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We got some Kill Tony shirts over there. We got some Death Squad hats and mugs. Check out shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live

from the road-famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hatchcliff. Fuck yeah. Are we excited or what?

We're here on a Monday night. It's Kill Tony live. Hey, look, it's Brian Redband, everybody. Hey, everybody. How exciting is this? No one has more fun than us on a Monday. Exciting stuff. Just got back from the road.

Beautiful Texas in the United States of America yet again. So great. Six sold out shows. So much fun. And the road continues for us next week. We go to Calgary for one Big Kill Tony and four stand-up shows, which I'll be headlining. And I

do believe Jeremiah Watkins is going to be with me for those stand-up shows. And then I do stand-up all by myself in Tempe, Arizona, February 6th through the 8th. And we go back to Vancouver. Kill Tony Vancouver, February 21st. Kill Tony East in the New England area, February 29th. Swansea, Massachusetts, right between Boston and Providence. March 5th, La Jolla, an entire weekend of stand-up there.

Kill Tony Ventura, March 12th. Kill Tony Boston, the 9th of April, with four stand-up shows that weekend. Austin, Kill Tony, Moon Tower, April 25th. Welcome, everybody. We're here at the Home Field Advantage, the comedy store where it all started. The greatest comedy club in the world. Shout-out to The Lyric, by the way, in Houston, Texas, which showed us an unbelievably great hospitable time.

If you don't know, it's this amazing company that has these skyscrapers. It's like they're into cool architecture and things like that, so they'll buy space in awesome buildings and make what's better than a hotel, better than an Airbnb. It's like an Airbnb mixed with a hotel. than an airbnb it's like an airbnb mixed with a hotel right it's great it's pretty much apartments i always say they make airbnb look like air pos you know what i mean oh thank you sir uh veto's pizza keeping us stuffed up here on mondays i'm gonna tell you i'm gonna be honest with you i'm an i'm a little italian boy from a

little italian neighborhood and uh i really I really love pizza, of course. But here in L.A., very hard to find. Everybody always says this Joe's down the street is great. Oh, it says New York on the sign. It must be great. But these people are buffoons. Vito's Pizza on La Cienega. Totally different thing.

Unbelievably delicious. I went there myself. Had a great lunch the other day with Jesus Trejo. It's just great. Get it delivered. Have anything? www.vito.pizza. And yeah. All right. But that's how it is. Sometimes it's not easy to find the things that you love in this world. And even when it comes to finding employees, it's a new year. And you want to keep growing your team. But you need the right tools to keep your hiring streamlined and efficient. That's where ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony comes in.

ZipRecruiter sends your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards, but they don't stop there. With their powerful matching technology, ZipRecruiter scans thousands of resumes to find people with the right experience and invite them to apply for your job. ZipRecruiter is so effective that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site within the first day. Did you already do that?

That's true. Yeah. And right now, our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address, ziprecruiter.com slash KillTony. As applications come in, ZipRecruiter analyzes each one and spotlights the top candidates so you never miss a great match. You already said that.

ZipRecruiter is so effective that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the site on the first day. And right now, our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address, ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash K-I-L-L-T-O-N-Y. ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire.

You guys ready to start tonight's show? I'm telling you, this is it it this is where it all started six and a half years ago long before we were the number one live podcast in the world and here we are pure momentum every monday it's packed on a monday at eight in the main room of the comedy store the greatest comedy club on the planet and friends, our guest tonight was raised here at this club with the likes of Sam Kennison, Richard Pryor, fucking everybody that you've ever heard of in comedy. It's the Golden Boy,

one of my favorite human beings on the goddamn planet. Let's see how loud this place can get for one of the best comedians in the world, the great Pauly Shore, everybody! Wow. Yeah! Yeah! My man! everybody. Wow. Yeah. My man. The one,

the only, the son of Mitzi Shore, the creator of the Comedy Store, the great Pauly Shore. I always like to give it up to my mom every time I hit this stage. Let's give it up to my mom, Mitzi hit this stage. Let's give it up to my mom, Mitzi Shore. Have you visited?

I'm going to actually call out some comedians right now. I might even call you out a little bit. Okay. Okay. So everyone praises my mom, Mitzi Shore, who started this place many years ago. She passed away a couple years ago. She has a grave site. If anyone wants to visit her grave site

and pay respect to her, including you, have you seen her grave site yet? I have not. Have you seen her grave site yet? I have not. Has Joe Rogan seen her grave site? I don't know.

It was like a private ceremony. No, anyone can go now. She's got a whole thing there for her. It's a nice, beautiful tombstone. Me and my brothers created it. And it's there for everyone to pay homage to my mom, Mitzi Shore. So please, besides praising her

all the time, let's go pay some respects to her. I love that. Not only am I going to go there, you know what else I'm going to do? I'm going to run some of my new jokes by her. Not funny. Not happening. Give him the light.

Every single episode of this show, Pauly, I don't know if you remember this or not, it's been a while since you've been on. I was on it in the belly room. It was probably your third episode or something. You guys were fidgeting with shit all the time.

Like, fuck, what's this wire? Give it up for Tony. This thing's killing. It's awesome. Thank you. Because we're both on the road all the time, so we don't get to spend time. So I keep hearing about how great this is doing.

So I'm really proud of Tony for killing it. It's awesome. Absolutely. And you're killing it too. I am doing your podcast on Wednesday. Random Rants with Pauly Shore. At my fourplex in Silver Lake.

That's right. I can't wait to be there. And you're at the KC Improv, Kansas City Improv this weekend. Yes, I'll be at the Improv this weekend in the middle of the country. I love it. Yeah, so it's going to be cool. Kansas City. Oh, thank you. Mic drop.

And you're also, you have a new movie coming out soon called Guest House, featuring yourself, of course, and some of the great comedy store talent. Yeah, Eric Griffin's in it. Bobby Lee's in it. Punky.

Punky's in it. Yep. And it's going to be really funny. People we love. I'm excited about it. People we love. And speaking of people we love, there's a band on this show,

Pauly. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. How many of you are fans of this show that you're at here tonight? Every single episode, they commit to different characters. We never know what they're going to be. They have a separate entire green room connected to the back.

I try to get back there, and he wouldn't even let me fuck him back on the place. They are rough. They take it very seriously. Sometimes it's characters that we've seen before on this show. Sometimes it's brand new characters. Let's see what happens tonight. Let's all find out what they are together.

I present to you the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band, everybody. Here they are. All right. Whoa. Whoa. Wait a second. Wait a second.

Is this... Wow, no way. Is this the first time we've had Blink-182 on the show? What? This is hilarious. I'm going to be honest with you. I'm sort of in a conundrum here because I never was that big of a Blink-182 guy.

Can you remind me of your name, lead singer? What's up? I'm Tom DeLonge. Tom DeLonge. Tom DeLonge. Are you the one that believes in UFOs and stuff? I believe in aliens. Oh, wow. And then you have the bass player

of Blink-182 right next to you. Hello there. My name's Mark. Okay. Bart? Nope. Name's Mark. Mark.

Mark. Hello there. It's a song I wrote. And then well, well, well, look who it is back here. Your typical Dodger fan What's your name? What is it? LA? Yep

Name's Travis Barker Oh that's right I know you Travis I heard you wanted to be a pilot I survived a plane crash I already don't like you dude Very good 80% of my body was burned Wow is that true? Yeah I wrote a book about it Very good. 80% of my body was burned.

Wow, is that true? Yeah, I wrote a book about it. Oh my goodness. I can't even read either, so it's a pretty big accomplishment. All right, so we have Blink-182, Pauly Shore, Red Band, and his wacky soundboard. It's like the best of the 90s, bro. I love it. Absolutely.

We love you, Pauly! Special best of the 90s episode. I remember when I was a kid, I actually played drums in this room before the Comedy Store Players. Years ago, the Comedy Store Players with Robin Williams and all these different comedians, I used to play in a band right there, and we used to play My Sharona.

Wow. Think I'm turning Japanese. Hey. Hey, look at I'm turning Japanese. Hey. Hey, look at that. These guys are good. Buddy Rich used to play in this room. Buddy Rich, the drummer, used to play. My mom used to have a big Buddy Rich thing

and it was a big deal. It was awesome. So it's cool. Buddy Rich is a legend. So let's see what happens here tonight. We have a bucket of destiny, everybody. That's a big deal. This is what the whole show rolls around.

A bunch of people sign up before the show starts for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket and get 60 seconds uninterrupted of stage time and then talk with us afterwards. I lead an interview in which we try to find out more about you and what makes you different than everybody else. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means

wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Alright, you guys ready to start the show or what? Fuck yes. Anything can happen. Alright. I pulled a name out. Your first happen. All right.

I pulled a name out. Your first comedian going up tonight, 60 seconds uninterrupted, goes by the name of Corey Kennedy. Here we go. All the small things. Truth, yeah. I almost forgot Blink-182 was with us. I'll take one lift. You're right.

Best trip. Always. I know. Yeah. One more right. Best trip, always. Yeah. One more time for Corey Kennedy, everybody. Oh, I'm a winner just being nominated. I love it. Oh, this is going to be horrible. I usually do comedy at the Ha Ha in front of like eight homeless people.

This is a little much for me right now. Ah, fuck. This of like eight homeless people. This is a little much for me right now. Ah, fuck. This feels like Gladiator. You just come out and I feel like some lions are going to fucking eat me in about two seconds. I'm one of the comedians, obviously. It's all comics back there. I waited like half an hour for a drink and nothing. It's like we're huddled masses it's terrible

I know I'm shocked man I'm actually shocked like I say I don't do that much comedy I come out here yeah but I come out here and it's like there's like

10,000 comedians I'm like thank god I'm an electrician I didn't know there were so many I didn't know there were so many There you go Corey Kennedy Fuck yeah I think I want to sell my merchandise on the road

Hey you like this stuff Can you sell my merch on the road. Hey, you like this stuff. Can you sell my merch on the road, bro? Where do I sit? What do I do, just stand here? You just stand there, yeah. All right. Wow. So, Corey, my goodness.

Let's just... Woo! No, just relax. Before making noises into this thing, just make sure you have the right time for it and everything like that. Tony, I survived a plane crash, and somehow this was the worst thing I've ever been through. Right. Okay. sure you have the right time for it and everything like that. Tony, I survived a plane crash and somehow this was the worst thing

I've ever been through. There you go, Joel Berg. Alright. Misfits. Okay, very good. Go ahead. This guy looks like a retarded street fighter character. Face that way, Corey.

Face them. Do I just have to stand here and listen to it? Okay. He looks like mongoloid Brian Callen, dude. So, Corey, let's talk about it. You said that you've done stand-up comedy before, right? Yep. And then when you do it, do you normally do jokes?

Or do you do this thing where you just talk about everything that happened right before you got on stage? There's a lot of people here. I tried to get a drink. What's up with the service? Like, that was the worst Yelp review I've ever heard in my life. You have the chance of a lifetime here, and you're literally like, can I get a drink? It's number two. Number two. So you exactly what you just said.

So you did it once at Flappers. Yes. And then here you are at the mecca of comedy. I didn't want to get called up first. If you called me up eighth, I would have been good. You wouldn't have been good, buddy. You wouldn't have been good. I would have been better, man.

You wouldn't have been better, man. Okay, fair enough. I promise you. Fair enough. You had a have been good. I would have been better, man. You wouldn't have been better, man. Okay, fair enough. I promise you. Fair enough. You had a whole clean slate. We know what you would have done if eight people were up before you. You would have talked more bullshit about other things that happened right before you got up here. So what did you do at your set at Flappers? How much time did you have on that stage, that time?

I don't know, like two minutes or something. Three minutes maybe? Right, right, right, right, right, right, right. And what did you talk about there? Talk about my job. Yeah? Is that what you talked about? I did. What about your job? What did you say? Do you want to hear the story? Is it a story? It is a story and one minute is not very long. Do you have any jokes? Okay, here's a joke.

Here's a joke. You wrote this? Yes. Okay, go ahead. The way you said that made me feel like this is a joke. Get ready. It's going to be no good. All right, let's do it.

Can I tell you something before you do this, Corey? No, I thought I was going to do my joke. Corey, shut the fuck up. You're in a fucking live interview right now. This is fun. This is a great time. Well, then you shouldn't sign up for things you don't know what the fuck you're signing up for. What's your question?

Let's do it. Okay. So let me just tell you, you have a serious problem. I don't know if anyone's given you this note yet, but you over foreshadow everything before you do it. You say this is going to be bad. This isn't going to go well. All these people, all this shit. You just did it again with one little joke. Just do

the joke. I'm going to do the joke right now. I don't want the lecture. I'm doing the joke now. Corey, Corey, Corey. I'll show you a fucking lecture. That's not even a lecture. It's a note. Clearly no one's given you one, so you don't know how to recognize what a note is.

Let me tell it. Let me tell you something. When you say that, it makes me not want to let you even fucking tell it. Well, then I should. I'm in charge. Ready? Ready? Ready for what?

The joke? Tell the joke. Without saying you're going to do the joke, without saying okay, go straight into the joke. When I was a kid, I used to want to be a cop. And then I realized I don't want to go home and beat up my wife every night. You don't have a joke. You see what I'm talking about? That's a joke.

No, that's not a joke. That's not a joke. I don't know. This is good. Can you do that? It's a joke. You don't have a joke. You see what I'm talking about? That's a joke. No, that's not a joke. That's not a joke. I don't know. This is good. We're finding out you don't have a joke. We don't tell it. Well, I guess it doesn't work. Never mind.

Go ahead, Travis Barker. Can you do that squat again that you just did? You look like those little monkeys that steal coins in Romania. Jesus Christ, I can't wait to hear it. Oh, my God. You look like Aladdin's best friend, dude. He could sell my merch though Can we still I don't think he can sell your merch dude

I don't trust this guy for a second He's got fucking wackadoodle energies to him Tell us about your life What have you been doing with your life up until this point What are you 43 Close enough What's your age again? Jeremiah Watkins Tom DeLong

What is your age? You gonna tell us? 46 46 years old So what have you been doing up to this point? Military? No I'm Canadian

We don't have any military up there Oh okay right So how No? No So Vancouver Island What have you been doing in Canada We don't have any military up there. So how... No? No. Vancouver Island. What have you been doing in Canada this whole time? I buy land.

I subdivide it. And I build homes on it and I sell all the houses. A Canadian? Real estate developer, basically. A Canadian slumlord. That's what you are. No, I sell them. I sell the houses.

A slumlord keeps the property. What kind of house? Slumlords. Where are these houses at? Vancouver. Vancouver Island. No, I sell them. I sell the houses. A slumlord keeps the property. What kind of house? Slumlords. Where are these houses at? Vancouver. Vancouver Island. Oh, wow. That's nice.

A lot of Chinese people buying your property. Am I correct? Yes. Yes. I know. I know a lot about Vancouver. I go there once every few months. And my next time there is February 21st.

We're doing a Kill Tony in a 1,400 seat venue. Where is it? What's the name of it? The show that you're on, you fucking idiot. No, no, no. Where's the venue you're doing it in? It's just in Vancouver. The question that you're really asking is what website can they get tickets at? And that's at

TonyHinchcliffe.com. I apologize. That's what you really want to know. Let's check in with Tom DeLonge. So are you basically like a landlord or what? I buy the land. I cut it up. I build a bunch of houses. I sell the houses.

That's not a landlord. It's a developer. Whoa, don't talk down to my dude, man. Well, he's ripping on me. I'm up here getting sliced, dude. I don't like the cut of your jib, dude. I know. It kind of sounds like you're a landlord, man. Well, he's ripping on me. I'm up here getting sliced, dude. I don't like the cut of your jib, dude. I know. I know.

It kind of sounds like you're a landlord, dude. Like when a tenant calls you in the middle of the night, they're like, where are you? And I'm so sorry. I cannot sleep. I cannot eat tonight. This is beautiful It's true

My goodness Don't waste your time on me Okay, alright, Tom, Tom The voice inside my head Alright, alright, Tom Okay, Tom Step away from the sword, you fuck No, it's okay

So, Corey, what else? When you're not doing that, what else? Do you have any special skills or talents? You good at making snowballs or something like that? Canadian hobbies? I don't know. Hockey. Played hockey.

Wrestled for a long time. Oh, you did? Things like that. With what, your sexuality? Oh, my God. Why did I come on this thing? This is brutal. You're so gay!

Why did you? It's so funny. Oh, man. So, Corey. Yes. You have no idea what you signed up for, huh? Not so much. You know, it goes good if the set goes good.

The whole thing's different. Sure, agreed. Agreed. Do you have any redeeming qualities about you that might make you come across as likable right before we end this interview? It does not seem promising. Nothing at all in the world? I don't think so.

I don't know. I'm good at chess. You're good at chess? Sure. Is that redeeming? I don't know. Who do you play chess with? I don't know.

My parents. Are your parents alive? Yes. Do you live with them? Do I live with them? Yeah. No. You have your own place. You have a girlfriend? Yes. How long have you been with her? Six years. Is it Jenny?

Six years. I don't know what that means. It's playing the... It's a theme from Forrest Gump. Good. There you go. So what that means. It's playing the... It's a theme from Forrest Gump. Good. There you go. So there you go. That's good. Alright. Well, Corey, so nice to meet you.

I would always do a little investigating about what you're signing up for when you go places and sign up for shows, because you seem a little bit shocked and appalled at what's happening to you up here. You literally didn't have a minute. This is a show where you do 60 seconds and then you get interviewed and you're

telling us that the one story that you have is longer than a minute. Absolutely. That's a conundrum. You're trying to put a square pig into a circle hole or something like that. Whatever that saying is. You are correct. The only Kennedy that I wish got shot in the head.

Ladies and gentlemen, Corey Kennedy, everybody. Oh, this was great. Corey Kennedy. No. Unbelievable. Jesus Christ. And we should have known when he did. And that was, you know, the first impressions are really everything.

He's the first person ever to try to look cool jumping up here. Meanwhile, there's just so much, so much equipment and cords up here. I cannot recommend any more highly to anybody to never do that for the rest of the history of the show. It's just the most moronic thing. But that's really it. And he's drawing, too. You don't want to fuck that up. Yeah, exactly. Ryan J. Ebert history of the show. It's just the most moronic thing. But that's really it. And he's drawing, too. You don't want to fuck that up. Yeah, exactly.

Ryan J. Ebert's drawing the episode. That's right. He's sitting right there. My goodness, I forget about that. He missed last week, and I fucking forgot all about him. Look at that. He's right there. He's huddled in.

He blends in well. He's camouflaged in with the tripod of the camera. You were nice to him. Huh? You were nice to him. Huh? You were nice to that guy that was on stage. I was. It took everything inside of me. He was pretty nice to him.

He could have been, like, I just, right. The only reason I was that nice was because he did get picked first. I had to show about 60% restraint there, for those of you that might be new, because I didn't want to light him up too much. These are the types of things I think about when I'm back here hosting a thankless job. Ooh, French lavender soy blend candle. I told you HomeSense has good gift options. Hmm, well, I don't know.

Mom's going to love it. She'll take one sniff and be transported to that anniversary trip you took to San Tropez a few years ago. Forget it. She complained about her sunburn the whole trip. It's only $14. $14? Now that's a vacation I can get behind. Deal so good, everyone approves.

Only at HomeSense. I pulled her name out of the bucket. We know this young lady very well. She signs up every week. She's always in the front row she's a huge supporter of this show comedy store employee make some noise for Joy Eileen everybody about fucking time so I think we need to stop making It's about fucking time.

So I think we need to stop making conspiracies. Anybody else? There's too many. Somebody tried to convince me that there was only one bullet shot in the Vegas shooting. They said it just ricocheted off of the belt buckles. My oldest son called his younger brother a retard the other day. I was like, hey, we don't use that word in this house. We say tarded. Like, hey, we don't use that word in this house. We say tarted. There's no hard R's in this house, guys.

We are way too white for that. I got pulled over the other day. I was really worried because I'd been drinking. Was that the cat? Oh, I blew a 4.5, which was the size of the cop's dick, so I got to weigh with it. There you go, Joy Eileen. Let's go, John Wayne.

This night's almost over. Fuck yeah. I'd say undoubtedly best set I've ever seen you have up here. And of the night. And of the night. And of the night. Three more jokes than the last comedian. My goodness gracious, Joy.

It's my favorite thing on this show. When we've seen people before, you know, this is not an easy thing to do. And we've seen you a few times over the past, I think, couple years or so. It's been like four years. Yeah, four years. When you were doing the belly room,

like we would, yeah. Incredible. And here you are. One thing I noticed is you got to it. You projected the entire time. She's like Eleanor Kerrigan, but a little thicker. Yeah, exactly.

Fuck yeah. She's like Eleanor Eat Again. Well, no, because how long you been working? You've been here for a while, right? Yeah, well, we come here all the time, but I've been working over a year now in the kitchen. Okay, yeah, because how long you been working? You've been here for a while, right? Yeah. Well, we come here all the time, but I've been working over a year now in the kitchen. Okay. Yeah, because Eleanor worked here for, God, 20 years?

Mm-hmm. And then she decided to do stand-up. So, yeah, you're good. Thank you. Eleanor was a waitress. She works in the kitchen because, you know, go with what you know. You know what I mean? Yeah, there you go.

And a pro wrestler. Remember that? Yeah. Oh, my God. That's right. Eleanor was a pro wrestler. Remember that? Yeah. That's right. Eleanor was a pro wrestler. So, Joy, let's talk about what's been going on in your life since the last time we saw you. Well, let's see.

My next book should be out in March, if everything goes well. Oh, yeah. Writing book. What was your first book? The first book came out in 2015. What was that called? Breaking Faith. It's a romance. I do romance. Oh. But I'm doing ghost writing right now, so I have to was that called? Breaking Faith. It's a romance.

I do romance. Oh. But I'm doing ghost writing right now, so I have to finish that because that's money. Ooh, scary stories. Yeah. Let's check in with the lead singer of Blink-182, Tom DeLonge. I write books, too. You're about aliens.

Oh, you do? True story. Wow. All right, Joy. Well, that's fun., you do? True story. Wow. All right, Joy. Well, that's fun. You can get it at eBay.com. Oh, eBay. That's an interesting place to sell your book.

Not Amazon, like the Kill Tony book? I don't believe in Amazon. It's a corporate company. Oh, wow. Very interesting to know that Amazon is corporate. Aliens don't like Amazon. It they're trying to take over the world. Okay, okay, okay. This has got out of control.

That's a lot of information. Joy, how many kids do you have? We have three boys. Three boys. What are their ages? 19, 13, and Brodyody will be nine on the 25th wow look at that very very exciting stuff he's watching right now oh he is the nine the nine-year-old is the nine-year-old go fuck yourself brody wow look at that wow don't talk to freckle dick like that

wow kids are gay all right a freckle dick like that. Wow. Kids are gay. All right. My goodness. You've been blinked. Okay. You guys are out of control. Oh, he's going to love that so much.

A lot of pent-up energy is coming from Blink-182 tonight. Anyway, so... It's what happens when you ignore us for years. Wow. Well, I mean, I'm sorry when you ignore us for years. Wow. Well, I mean, I'm sorry, Tom. I just didn't realize.

It just doesn't play, just doesn't fit my algorithm. Anyway. We're on Spotify, too. Okie dokie, Tom. So we're going to keep it moving now. Yes, now, Tom. Fuck yeah. So, Joy, these kids of yours, these three boys,

anything crazy ever happen over there? Not really. Like I said, Brody is the biggest comedy fan, so he's cool. My middle son, he likes to play Magic of the Gathering in Dungeons and Dragons, so that's that one. This kid of yours, Brody, he doesn't ever play in the closet with ropes around his neck, does he? No, we keep the belts.

We have our old friend very close to the show I think 15 time guest Steven Brody Stevens is our most famous Brody in our life and every time you say Brody, oh you have an enjoy it tattoo. I do. Enjoy it. There you go. Here's the

Brody soundboard. Always depressing. Well, Joy, you got up tonight. Congratulations. Thank you. And there you go. A new minute from Joy Eileen, everybody. Way to go. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. Don't wait. This night bumbles over. Honest.

Let's make our lives forever. Wow. All right. All over. Honest. Let's make my past forever. Wow. All right, all right, all right, you fucking animals. Jesus Christ. Point, point, 82. Very aggressive. I almost died in a fiery plane crash, you idiot.

So I've heard. Let me live my dreams. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there yet? You get it? How about on that big back level back there? You guys good?

Everybody comfortable? Jesus. Half-ass, fucking tired-ass Monday audience we have here tonight. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens. Put your hands together for Chris Keen. Chris Keen.

Chris Keen. Chris Keen. Chris Keen. Here he comes. One more time for Chris Keen. Hey, everybody. I'm originally from Boston. Anyone Boston here yeah man whenever I tell people that they're like really you don't seem like you're from Boston that's why I left I don't have anything against the city it's uh you know the best thing about Boston is number one in healthcare. Got the best healthcare in the country, which is really important because when you live there, you want

to kill yourself. So people are always like, oh, Boston seems beautiful. What's it like? Just imagine half a million Bill Burrs minus the funny. It's a bunch of angry people obsessed with Tom Brady. Like, I like sports, but Boston lives for it. Like, I don't get that. My friend's always like, we're the city of champions, dude. We are champions? What did we do? Brady is a champion.

We work at the Cheesecake Factory. There you go. Exactly a minute. Hell yeah. Welcome to the show, Chris. It's your first time on, right? Yeah, yeah. Nice to meet you, man.

Welcome, welcome. Nice to meet you, too. He's our friend. Chris is our friend? You're cool. We like you. Thanks, man. I like you, too. You do. Boston like you Thanks man I like you too Boston's cool man I fucking love Boston

Yeah You don't like it anymore? I have a love hate relationship What? I have a love hate relationship You gotta say hi to our friend Jeff Miro He's starring in the second version of Fuck Cats What's it called? Fuck Cats on Netflix

Don't fuck with cats Don't Fuck With Cats. Don't Fuck With Cats. Yeah. Hi, Jeff. We love Boston. You know, Myro, he's watching. Of course. He loves fucking cats, dude.

Of course. That's the guy. I can't believe that he wasn't starring in Go Fuck The Cats. Yeah. He loves cats as much as I hate making inside references on this live podcast. Go check out Crouch. But it's my row. My row.

But this reminds me, Kill Tony's going to Boston April 9th, and I do four stand-up shows the 10th and 11th. Not to be confused with our show 40 Minutes Outside of Boston in Swansea, Kill Tony East, February 29th. But let's get back to this guy that somehow looks like both Burt and Ernie at the same time.

It's very impressive. Not many people can pull that off. Usually it's more one or the other, but you just look like they smashed together and made you. That's how you laugh. That's adorable. So, Chris, how long have you been in Los Angeles? Like a year and a half.

A year and a half. Heck, yeah. Let me ask about those fucking beautiful thick eyebrows you have now now is it were they always like that or was it like how girls come out to la with their thin like over plucked eyebrows and then they realize that the hottest move is just to let them go fucking crazy and you let it go stylistically or have you always just had the big bushes sadly they've always been this way. I'm Armenian, so it happens.

So how much caretaking do you have to do with the middle area there? Just a little shave, you know. How often? I don't know. I don't keep track. I will for you, though. I'll keep it in mind. The hair on his head is just his eyebrows combed back.

How Armenian are you? 100%? I'm half Armenian. Oh, what's the other half? White guy. I don't know. Oh, wow. A bunch of white stuff.

My goodness. So when you get in an Uber, do you try to drive or do you sit in the back? Man, it seems you probably have a lot of buddies. Buddy, friend. All right, never mind. Back to you lot of buddies. Buddy, friend. All right, never mind. Back to you in the studio, Tony. Wow. I almost died in a fiery plane crash.

Okay, we know Travis. Do you speak Armenian? I don't, no. I suck. I do. Do you live in Glendale? No, I don't. No?

Pasadena? You work at Sears? I live in Encino. Encino? Oh live in Encino. Encino? Oh, we know someone. You're not the only man from Encino that I know. We's in the juice. No, we's in the juice.

What a beautiful moment of destiny. I'm from Encino. Hey, me too. Are you also a son-in-law? Are you perhaps in the army now by any chance? Alright. I enjoyed all those movies.

Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. Is it true that you work at the Cheesecake Factory? No, he works in Jay Leno's garage. Get some hand-me-downs. I drive for Uber, man I'm Armenian

Ah, there you go Hell yeah Uber X? Yeah Uber Comfort? Whatever you need No It's not whatever you need, obviously

When was the last time you got laid? Got laid? Are you offering? Oh, come on, Chris How dare you Yeah, Boone is in the back. No, for real, when was the last time you got late? I don't know. I don't keep track. Okay, well, why don't you

sort of give a guess there, Chris? Why don't you sort of give a guesstimate at all? New Year's. New Year's. Cool, that wasn't that long ago. Was that a girl that you met that night? No. I have a girlfriend somehow. Somehow. I don't know. How long have you been with this girlfriend of yours?

Six years. Six years. So what happened on New Year's? So it was her? Yeah. Oh, okay. Boy, that's weird. That was a weird way of getting there.

Okay. Let's check in with Tom DeLonge. Yeah. Does your girlfriend of six years want you to propose? And she's like, where do we go from here? I'm feeling this. Turn off the lights right now.

There you go. I'm smiling from ear to ear. Yep, we got it. There you go. A whole nother verse instead of just the beginning part from Tom DeLonge. Instead of the joke, the whole fucking quarter of a second. You've been blinked!

Alright. So, uh... Looks like he drives through an Uber extra chromosome. Oh! Chroma Chris, usually silent over there on the bass guitar. Can I say something serious to him, though? Yes. So do you take comedy serious or are you just fucking around like the fucking first guy that came up here?

How long? Yes or no? Yeah, yeah, I try to take it serious. You're good. You're fucking funny, dude. But be more confident and fucking attack this shit. Stop being a little bitch. Yeah, yeah. I try to take it serious. You're good. You're fucking funny, dude, but be more confident and fucking attack this shit. Stop being a little bitch. Yeah, idiot. For real. You're funny.

Yeah. You're funny. You're funny. We like you. You just got called bitch by a weasel. Yeah, buddy. Just do it more. Let's all do more stuff I mean go on stage more Okay I will I promise

Why do you think you're like that Was your Armenian dad rough on you I got That was his name rough on you Rough on you Dordashian dude Alright You got what Tell us tell us the truth Rough on you, Dardashian, dude. All right. You got what?

Tell us. Tell us the truth. We like truth. I was just a weird fat kid. People beat me up a lot. You know what happens. I don't believe it. You?

What do you mean, was? There you go. Yeah. This is a behind the comedy or something. No, I like it. It's good to be Armenian in Hollywood right now. Is it? Yeah, dude. For real.

You can get a Netflix special. It's true. Right? You can. You can get, absolutely. 100%. How long you been doing stand-up? A year and a half. A year and a half. So you think that this little shy quality

about you, you think that's from getting beat up as a fat kid? I don't know. I don't fucking know. How do I know, man? Is your dad supportive of your stand-up comedy? Unfortunately for him, yeah. How much time can you do? How much time can I do? I don't know.

Well, 10 minutes. I mean, you have some good jokes, so how much time can you do? The most I've ever done is 10 minutes. That's good. He can open. There you go. Pauly wants you to open for him sometime.

I got the guy over there, right? I think you're funny. There you go. Thank you. Chris Keen, ladies and gentlemen. coming. His hand's so sweaty. Pauly made the great mistake of shaking one of the people's hands that have

come on stage. He's Armenian. Of course his hand's sweaty, Pauly. Wow. We just got lucky, everybody. I pulled a name out that has gotten on this stage quite a few times. He's gained Kill Tony fame by being flown out to Skankfest after beating Kill Tony icon

William Montgomery in a joke-off. There he is right there. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Kill Tony famous Steve Lee, everybody. Here we go. Wow. Steve Lee. I queued up that whole intro for him, yet he still waited until I said his name to start coming on stage for some reason.

Let's see how loud this place can get for Steve Lee, huh? Give me five more minutes. Hold on. My hands are not really working well. So I went to China a month ago, and it turned out stand-up comedy in Chinese is blowing up there. So I tried some open mic, and some of the comics were like, dude, you know, Chinese, dangerous driver, short penis, these jokes are not working.

I mean, you got a point. I'm in America making fun of Chinese people. I can't do this joke in China. So I realized, oh. So the guy gave me some advice. Oh, maybe how about you making fun of Americans? Okay. So I came up with some jokes about making

fun of Americans. Are you guys ready? So I'm going to translate a Chinese joke into Americans. These are new, so give me some time. Just go. We're going to let you go for as long as you want since that whole handicap thing or whatever. Let's keep it going for Steve Lee, everybody.

So Chinese jokes into Americans. It's like disabled parking, right? Okay. Okay, you guys ready? Okay, hold on. American so dumb, you voted for Donald Trump. So it's like if I were doing Chinese comedy,

so I have to use the word day. American so fat, the whales watch them American so fat they go to Comic Con to cosplay as Death Star. Okay, I fucked this joke up. There you go, Steve Leach. It's the Asian Davey Wester, ladies and gentlemen. People don't know who Davey Wester is. I know, but who gives a fuck? You know who he is.

I might not be here for them. I'm here for you fucking guys too, bro. Thank you, Pauly. Myro Boonshakalaka Davey Wester. It's an Asian paper. Bring it back to the beginning, bro.

Pauly's making only jokes about people no one knows. I know, but why don't try to make me laugh, Paulie? This is working, dude. Good job, good job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Backwards.

All right, all right. I love it. Steve took some work to get that phone out, and I thought Asians were faster and better working with phones, no matter what the handicap. I have to disagree with your take on the translation between Chinese and american jokes like you said you know that we joke about bad driver right and then you said that america voted

for trump but only half of america voted for trump and all asians are bad drivers do you see the difference you see the difference there i mean it boggles my fucking mind every fucking day i always thought it but now that I have a really nice car, I really notice because you extra notice who almost hits your fucking car, and it's just unbelievable. Why do you think that is? I can't speak for my people with these hands. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I guess that's my next question. What kind of car accident did you get into to end up like that? No, I'm kidding, people. Me and Steve are friends. He's been on this show. It looks like he's still recovering from that Godzilla incident. Oh, my God. Chroma Chris from Half Court.

All right. Hey, I have a question for him. Okay. Hey, who are you sponsored by? I like your drumsticks. Okay. All right, Tom. Those aren't drumsticks.

What do you mean? Those are chopsticks. Oh. Travis Walker over here, dude. Travis Walker. Steve, did you also survive and almost fail? Wait, hold on. Blade crash, dude? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Steve, did you also survive an almost fatal plane crash?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's just stop for a second. Let's just take a moment to acknowledge. Tony almost died, dude. Are you going to be okay getting through this joke? Go on, try it again. I was hoping I'd be okay during that plane crash, dude. All right.

Here I am. I wrote a book. Can't even read. You're welcome. Back to the studio. Oh my goodness. I don't know what's happening here. You want to try it? Did you get it out? You just got blinked. Okay, very good. So Steve Lee, welcome back to the show.

It was a fun set. Why did you need your phone for that? Did you not know what you were going to talk about? Actually, it's newly written. Oh. Yeah. Okay. I didn't even notice you were reading it.

It looked like you just took it out and then just did the joke. I thought you were going to use it as a prop or something like that. I was waiting for some 3D projection of like the emperor or something. I don't know. And actually, I actually went to China and did, you know, some open mic in Chinese. And after my second show, people like, hey, why don't you kind of funny? Why don't I put you on a Saturday like a weekend? So actually, I did a weekend gig in Shenzhen, China.

Wow. After three open mics. Yeah, absolutely. Heck, yeah. I could actually tell a little bit of difference. I can hear it in your delivery, the Chinese delivery a little bit faster and more delicious than other types of deliveries.

It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno. All right. That Blink-182 didn't even sing that. Yeah, we're not happy about it, but we did a commercial in 98 for DiGiorno's. Okay. Oh, my goodness. I love it.

So, Steve Lee, what else is going on in life, pal? Update us. What's happening? Anything good? I got into a CBS program. A CBS program? Yeah. Is that the long receipts?

Not CVS. CBS. Uh-huh. It's like I'm working at the pharmacy now, bro. I don't know. Not CVS. CBS. He's like working at the pharmacy now, bro. I don't know. I know this is the type of guy you want divvying up how many pills and what milligrams.

You either got Vicodin or allergy medicine. Good luck. I love it. Tom DeLong. Yeah, who are you sponsored by? I like your golf clubs. Alright, Tom. I don't know. Good luck. I love it. Tom DeLong. Yeah, who are you sponsored by? I like your golf clubs. Alright, Tom. I don't know. Yikes. Because he's wearing the hat.

Oh, okay. That's why. So what's the CBS program that you got on? I know it's not Dancing with the Stars. I don't think that's on CBS. So basically we're going to make films for three non-profit organizations with their interns.

So it's basically interns and some outsiders, filmmakers. And here's the funny thing. Everybody applied for directors, cast and director, you know, writers, right? Uh-huh. And then nobody applied for editor. So I applied for it, and I got in. Wow.

Look at that. Heck yeah. What are you, avid or final cut? Premier. He makes cuts with a samurai sword. All right. Is it hard to be an editor? Because that's all your hands.

Do you have special tools or strings and stuff? I use chopsticks. Fuck. Fuck. No? No. All right. No.

He gets it done. He uses a mouse or something like that, right? All right. Very good He gets it done. He uses like a mouse or something like that, right? All right. Very good. Still not working. If it doesn't work, just keep trying. So, Steve, anything else crazy going on in life? Well, I'm going to be on Scangfest South in Houston.

Oh, look at that. So excited. Yeah. Down in Houston. Thank you for your show that I got on. Of course. Absolutely. Steve, have you ever been in a you for your show that I got on. Of course. Absolutely. Steve, have you ever been in a fight, like a real fight?

Yeah. What's the last fight you were in? I fought another cripple guy. Are you serious? Is this really true? You had a cripple fight? Tell us about that. Yeah.

Tell us about it. Was it over a parking spot? Was it over the only parking spot? It was back in high school in Hong Kong. I went to a school for disabled kids. Connor No Legger. Okay. Can we just... When someone starts...

It's so funny to me. All right. I mean, I can't fill in for the drums, so... Hey, I bet you can. Oh, that's fucking it, dude. I've had enough. All right. So fill in for the drums. Hey, I bet you can. That's fucking it, dude. I've had enough. So tell us about the fight. We're excited to hear about this fight

that you had in disabled school in Hong Kong. What was this about? Basically, I started it. God, you laugh like a super villain after everything you say. I started the fight, Tony. I'm not proud of it, looking back.

Uh-huh. What'd you start the fight over? I pick a guy who is more disabled than me. Woo-hoo! World star Paulie just came up with a good idea He says that we should have Cripple fights on the main stage

In the comedy store I think that would go viral bro For real Absolutely 100% Josh's wrestling thing Speaking of viral Did you get sick when you were in China What I don't get the joke Oh okay thing. Your wrestling thing. Yeah. Speaking of viral, did you get sick when you were in China?

What? I don't get the joke. Oh, okay. You're Chinese, right? Yeah. Oh, okay. Forget it. Yeah, dude. Your jokes suck too, dude. What? Keep trying. That's right. That's right. I try once. I don't try the same thing over and over.

Dude, I almost died, dude This guy was the driver of the plane, dude It's kung fu fighting Why do the Asians, when you walk through the airports They wear those masks I mean, other people do, but mostly Asians, for real I mean, you guys fucking started that trend, for real. And now there's white people doing it.

What's up with that? That's a good question. That's another good Asian question. Why do they wear the masks? I guess the SARS thing happened 10 years ago. They have SARS? You want to know what my theory is? I feel like they wear that so that the white people at the airport

don't recognize the Asian person that started that car accident that they were in. Do the old hit and run, and then they people at the airport don't recognize the Asian person that started that car accident that they were in. Do the old hit and run and then they get to the airport. They're like, oh, we all have the same eyes. They will not know. Is SARS still around? No. It's because of the pollution in most of the countries. Yeah.

Actually, also, like in China they're like, you know. So it's germs. Polluted. Germs. Because of the fucking factory that we have making shit for you guys. So when they come here, they wear... I'm talking about LAX, though. Yeah, exactly. It's a whole different thing.

And it has nothing to do with pollution. Wearing a mask here would not help with pollution in China. You don't see that around here as much as you do in the other countries where everybody wears it. I heard it was because they don't want to infect other people. Like if they're sick, they wear them so they don't get you sick. That's exactly what it is.

Right? And you don't know this because Chinese people aren't aware that they're sicker than other people. I never wear the mask, so I don't give a fuck. Right. Because you know what? Who gives a fuck? Because you can't possibly get any sicker than you already are. That's from your perspective.

I mean, it's kind of true. We love you, Steve. Every time you come on, it's so much fun. Steve Lee is at Steve Lee Comedy. Look at this. Pauly Shore. What a gentleman. Look at that. How about a hand

for Pauly helping Steve Lee down Yeah He's so funny Pauly said he helped him Because he doesn't want to have a lawsuit on the club Uh oh he's tickling Tom DeLonge all of a sudden. Yeah. That's exciting.

Good for Jeremiah Watkins, dude. Absolutely. You follow him on social media. He's very committed on his Instagram stories. I masturbate to it, FYI. If there's one word to describe it, it's definitely committed. Yep. Low angle.

I barely recognize him from not being underneath his nose. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Patrick B, everyone. Patrick B. Let's see what happens next. Live on Kill Tony Comedy Store. On the Sunset Strip. Sorry it's over.

Sorry it's over. Thank you. One more time for Patrick B., ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, thank you, appreciate it. So I'm trying out this whole sobriety thing for the new year and it's going pretty difficult. Yeah, it's no fun. You know, I'm at the club and the women see me without a drink and they think, oh man, he's got problems. And I do. You know, on the dance floor, I have no idea what to do with my hands.

I tried to tell my dealer that I'm going sober. He asked me why. I said, you know, my therapist thinks it's a good idea. Sorry. And he said, well, you know what? Look, and he said this to me with a straight face. He said, look, life gets tough. Sometimes it feels like it's kicking you when you're down. But I want you to remember one thing always. Okay. Before Sigmund Freud became famous for being the founder of psychoanalysis, he was just a young man looking for eel testicles until he discovered cocaine. How much do you need?

All right. Patrick B. back on the show again. Welcome back, Patrick. Famous as the rope snake character. You once had a pet snake before you had a, what was it, a roommate? You moved out here with a pet snake, and then you found someone that would let you live with them, and you tied your snake up to a chair, and it ate their what? What did it eat?

Well, it almost ate their dog, the little Pomeranian, I think it was. It was a Pomeranian just walking around an apartment with a snake tied to a chair by a rope. Just to catch everybody up. I don't know if you can hear me. It's the sound of the old dog that almost died. And I quote, they wanted to be friends, but the owner of the dog didn't really like that. Right. But we also, I mean, I don't know if you know this, but we originally got the snake because we had mice.

So we were trying. Right. No better way to get rid of mice than with a live snake. Just let it roll around. Or else, if there's one thing better than mice, it's snakes running around your apartment.

To quote Joy's kid, you tarded. So was he drunk? Are you newly sober? So far. You should tell your hair, though. Since January 1st? Did you used to get fucked up?

Oh, yeah. So you should probably start getting fucked up again. I've been thinking about it. Well, I don't know. I mean, I think I'm going to disagree with Pauly on this one. You should have seen him the other times he was here, Pauly. This is another situation where even though the set wasn't that great, he's still a lot better than he used to be on the show.

Oh, shit. Force of truth. So we should bring him to the Ding Dong show. Yeah, that might actually work. He'd be good on the Ding Dong show. He's perfect. But then again, no one knows the fucking Ding Dong show either. Right, right. I'm fine with that. He's good on the Ding Dong Show. He's perfect. But then again, no one knows the fucking Ding Dong Show either. Right.

Right. I'm fine with that. He'd be great on the Ding Dong Show. Yeah. No, he would be. Let me know. Yeah. Well, we're letting you know right now.

In fact. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's it. You should sit in and watch it. It's in the Belly Room tonight. I believe it starts at 10 p.m. Right after the show.

I'll be there. On that, Pauly Shore said you can be on the Ding Dong Show. And Don Barris will get it. Yeah, he'll get it. Oh, shit. He'll thank me. He might not have put you on immediately, immediately tonight, but he'll have you sit in on the lower level and start your training.

I would be relieved. Yeah. There you go. Bob Apervaia will be with you. Yes, there you go, Bob. For those of you with your Kill Tony Inside Jokes bingo cards, I just got bingo. I got Bob Abravaya, Myro, and Boone all in a straight line.

Okay, so let's catch up, Patrick. What's been going on in life? You always have unbelievable real-life stories about your actual life. You don't even realize how ridiculous they are when you're saying them. So let's find out what's been happening in the past few months. I got a new job. What's that? And I'm helping pay people who don't have further child care.

So we send money to the person who takes care of their kid. There's a lot of big words. Ah, he's wiping the sweat of big words. Ah, he's wiping the sweat off your head. Okay, it's just a napkin. What do you think it was? Indeed, it's just a napkin. Oh, all right. That was uncomfortable.

That napkin just turned into a sheet of acid. I love it. Yeah, I got it. Pauly's being a nice guy. Wipe the sweat off of his forehead. Appreciate that. Am I glistening?

So now your job, you're responsible for making sure that the people that take care of other people's kids are getting paid? Yeah, exactly. And what do you do? What's exactly your role in that process? I try to keep all the pieces of paper in the folder. It's really... In the folder? What does he do?

I missed it. He keeps pieces of paper in a folder. Have you tried a trapper keeper? It helps. I would have graduated high school if that was my only job, dude. Dude, it's tough without those rings in there. It's tough without what? The rings. Oh, yes.

In the folder. So, what do you sit behind at this job? A desk? A cubicle. A cubicle. How many other people in cubicles are there at this job? Oh, there's a lot. I've met like 45.

Okay. You've met 45 of them. Yeah, and that's not even everybody. He makes sure that the people that are taking care of other people's kids get paid. This is why they always get their payments late.

I think he looks like the lead singer of Alice in Chains. Lane Stanley, dude. You know Alice in Chains? I have never seen a picture, but I know who that is. Yeah. I always thought you were more of like a Beavis to me. You want me to tell you that?

I think he looks like the guy who invented the bean bag. What do your parents do? I've never asked you this. I want to know how someone like this with blonde dreads gets created exactly. What type of, what are they into? They're both retired military people. Ah. You close with them?

You know, more now than recently. More now than recently? Well, yeah, we're cool now. You see what I mean by he doesn't understand how ridiculous the real things that he says are?

I'm gonna pass out. More now than recently. You need to make a shirt for that. Yeah. Yeah. Which is cool because he looks like he makes his own shirt. So there you go. Absolutely.

Sweating bullets up here. Very naturally funny you are and always have been. It's when you try that things start to really come unglued. Wow. Patrick, what's your love life like right now? What are you doing? I thought getting a job would make that better, but it has not. So I think, well, I've been at a hostel so it should have gotten better

but it's hard when you have uh no room on the in the on the bunk bed and you're wait you're on a bunk bed now well yeah it's a hostel so they don't they're not giving you so much square footage. Wow. How many people in this hostel with you? The place I'm at now, I just got there. That's like 12 people. Jesus, how many snakes are in there? So you have 12 people in a hostel. What are we talking about?

One big room? Bunk beds? Yeah. Oh, you gotta be fucking... It's like sardines. It smells like sardines, actually. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah... It's like sardines. It smells like sardines, actually. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, it was gnarly.

Smells like sardines more now than recently. My goodness gracious. Sardines. How long you been living in this situation, Patrick? I've been going from hostel to hostel right now because my last landlord's making real tough for me to find a place so and they only let you stay so long at a hostel so i gotta make like fake uh plane tickets and tell them oh shit and then i told all the european kids like no i'm just

traveling i haven't i haven't been living in la with a snake for three years don't worry about me how do you make fake plane tickets? Like, you just Xerox? You watch Catch Me If You Can starring Leonardo DiCaprio. How do you make plane tickets? Like, it's really easy. You just open up the plane ticket on your, like, files thing on, like, your iPhone, and then you can, like can use an eraser and then

put new date on it. Wow. They don't really check it that much as long as you pay cash. You usually have those on your phone? Can you show me a picture of your most recent plane ticket? Yeah. That works.

It just looks like a fucking stick figure drawing with tongues sticking out. A paper airplane. It's just the movie poster to Snakes on a Plane. Turns out your landlord doesn't look at it because he's from Canada. So the 115 was, I put that in and then then there were, like, dates down below that. Yeah, that's pretty good. Looks pretty good.

I mean, that says that you're flying to Austin, but I guess that works for them. If I remember, one of the first times we met you, you were already in trouble with the law. How did that end up? So that got resolved. That was the albino dude who stole the golf cart. That was the albino dude who stole the golf cart. And the recent one with my previous job, yeah, it's been difficult, too. I don't, yeah, that one was, that's why I'm at where I'm at now in cubicles,

and it's not working so well with sobriety. He can sleep in the back of the main room like Don Barris used to. No, no, he can't. They don't allow that anymore, Pauly. I'm going to veto you on that one. Even though three more people just got bingo with that Don Barris reference. There's a shower back there, dude. No, Pauly, stop inviting him to sleep

in the main room of the comedy store. Give the management something to do around here. Give the management something to do around here. But what's cool, before I let you go, Patrick, is I'm going to remind everybody that I just had a little flashback, and it was while you were on stage that Joel made a joke about it's hard to run from the law when you're always wearing flip-flops,

and that is when, for those of you that follow the show closely, that was when the first ever Joel Berg chant started, was on that joke with this comedian on stage. I remember that clearly from, I think, four years ago? Yeah. And there you go, ladies

and gentlemen, the comic stylings of Patrick B., everyone. My goodness gracious. It's over. Sorry, it's over. He's going to the Ding Dong show. That is one of the first people, I do believe the first comedian ever immediately that has graduated

onto the Ding Dong show straight from the Kill Tony episode. I think it's going to be a perfect fit. That's going to be great. Don's got to be around here somewhere. Yeah, he's usually getting ready right about now. Speaking of wild characters, we have regulars

on this show. We're going to get back to the bucket in just a moment here, but let's see what they're up to nowadays. This first comedian, he's got a very wild style improvisational guru. A lot of people say you either love him or you hate him. I love him.

I'm excited to see what he's going to talk about this week. Make some noise for the unorthodox stylings of William Montgomery. I'm crazy for you. He has to write and perform a new minute every week. Ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery. First and foremost,

I want to apologize to my Filipino brothers and sisters for opening up my set last week with Jimmy Buffett's Volcano because I can't help but think I'm part of the reason the caldera went off. Anyway, who's got plans for the fourth so people always say the book is better than the movie

but how many of y'all have ever read mortal combat I love how every black guy on the first 48 who dies always says he's a rapper. No, let me rephrase that. I love how every black guy who dies on the first 48 was an aspiring rapper. Love how every black guy who dies on the first 48 was an aspiring rapper. Absolutely doodly. And by the way, that is true. Last week, you talked a lot about Filipinos and volcanoes. And then this week, a massive volcano went off in the Philippines. So they're starting to be a little...

I have blood on my hands. I'll be the first to say in 1996 when that value jet went down in the Everglades, I had blood on my hands then. Why? You wrote a joke about that the week before it happened? I predicted that. Yeah, I had a peanut allergy. Oh, you did. Starting to sound like Bob Hope, dude.

No one knows fucking Bob. Bob Hope. Again, get back to your hard references bingo cards on this one. You know the joke I didn't say? But it was sort of geared towards you. Oh. Oh, boy. Is that a CVS receipt?

It's a CVS receipt for something called Preparation H. I put it on my toes. I have something, if you want to call it scaly skin. Yeah, I have that. I have it around my butthole. I have it around my toesthole I have it around my toes all right very good you got an applause break by red band because you said butthole very good was that the joke that you wanted to do William or did you just here it is here comes the joke and Pauly I'll be quite

frank growing up my father had a disease or whatever you want to call it, a thing that was wrong with him where he would drink apple juice and not be able to drink it, and it would come out of his mouth. But the first time I saw that, we were watching Encino Man. What's the joke you wanted to do? Oh, yeah, so here's the joke you wanted to do? Oh, yeah, so here's the joke. A lot of people look down on Pauly Shore, but that's impossible. He's not in hell yet.

Pauly's getting up and giving him a hug. Got the hug. Y'all want to know who is in fact in hell? I grew up with a man named Tony Martinez. He was a guy that went after chicks in the bathroom. He recently died. And I just promise y'all this. I'm a big Jesus believer and being that kind of guy I truly believe he's in hell right now my cousin Grace on my mother's sister's side the youngest of the cousins

she was a sweetheart she's now a nurse in dallas texas has red hair you name it she's got it there was one evening we were all at the gas station hey red band was that you stupid what william did you see that uh just see that Justin Bieber was officially diagnosed with Lyme disease this week? What do you think about that? Can you please talk a little slower? No, seriously, what were you saying? Did you see that this week?

No, it's okay. You wouldn't have to repeat it. Justin Bieber has Lyme disease, William. What are your thoughts on that? My thoughts are last week I had what I guess people call a nightmare. I was in a dream.

I was in my parents' attic. It was bigger than my parents' attic, but I knew I was there. And there was a ghost and someone walked up the steps, and I pointed to a ribbon on the door handle, and I was like, watch, it's going to be able to be tied into a ribbon. And it was. Fast forward maybe five minutes later, the ghost started throwing candlesticks just at me. I was making noise in my sleep. I was woken up.

I was freezing cold. Classic nightmare. Fast forward to two years in the past. I'm in an elevator with people looking at them. Super vivid. Everything's going all right. The elevator starts shaking. We start free-falling.

Before we hit the ground, I wake up, and I'm at the banana plantation down in Jamaica where I used to work. 2005, I worked at a banana plantation with my uncle Lance. Let's give it up for Lance. Lance is here, y'all. I love that man. Hold on. Blink 182. Hold on a second here.

William, what does that have to do with- Hey, Travis? What are you doing here? Oh, my God. William, you don't know that person. Travis Michaels? That's Travis Michaels. Where? Which one? With the dyed hair. Stand up, Travis.

Is that Travis Michaels? That's Travis Michaels, y'all. Let's give it a hand for him. Sir. Travis gave me the chicken box. Blink blank 182 come on guys all right very good is your name really travis michaels travis thank you for going along with it you piece of shit all right that was gonna be my when's your birthday? January 26th?

It is It's my birthday as well Okay Is it really, William? Do the math on that I'm what people call a soothsayer Okie dokie, William You did it again

It's not easy to write a brand new minute every single week All the other people you've seen tonight Perhaps they've been practicing for months and years Before getting back up here But William has brand new minute every single week. All the other people you've seen tonight, perhaps they've been practicing for months and years before getting back up here, but William has to do it every single week. One of those pieces of shit, I'm not going to say their name, has been practicing for years,

and he's now one of the people on the Brothers in Cursive Facebook page with all the other pussies. Wow, look at that. Those pieces of shit. Taking shots at his own fan base. Three nights ago, somebody pretended to be me. You know how I felt then?

I felt horrible. Okay, William. All right. We got through it. That was a good show tonight. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Listen to his new podcast, Brothers in Cursive, with the other regular, David Lucas. We have another regular on this show, ladies and gentlemen.

He's also on the show show Brothers in Cursive. Yeah, does he? Yeah, yes. Yes, he does. No, he's a regular on this show, but not a paid regular yet at the Comedy Store. No, I think Adam's seen him, but I don't think he's seen quite enough of him just yet.

And this other guy, I think, is very close to becoming a paid regular here as well. He just took the position of a door guy here at the Comedy Store, one of the more, I think, overqualified door guys I've ever seen because this guy's hilarious. Every single week writes and performs a brand-new minute. This guy is known for roasting the guests of the show sometimes, and me pretty harshly. But not

during his minute, that's during the interview part. Always a well-written joke in his new 60 seconds. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you David Lucas. Yeah. It kind of sucks for me because I just lost custody of my daughter. But, nigga, my summer about to be lit, ain't it?

Fuck that. I'm happy as hell, you know? I love being a baby daddy. Like, I take child support over time with my kids any day. Give me two weekends a month. Fuck that, man. Every day? What am I going to do with you every day?

I don't even know what you like to eat. For real, man. All my baby mamas know, once my kid can recognize me, I'm out. As soon as they like, dad, dad, I'm like, all right, bro. All right, man. But for real though, I think my next baby mama is going to be Asian. That way my kids can make the Nikes

that they're going to wear. How you like them Nikes, son? All right, thank y'all, man. Fuck yeah. Here's your holiday. Fuck yeah, David Lucas. Hey, what's up, man? You got the Weezer.

Yeah. He look like a vegetarian baker. A vegetarian baker? He on a vegan bakery. A vegetarian baker? He owned a vegan bakery. A vegan bakery? Why would you say that about Pauly? He looks very eclectic. Yeah, he is.

He's been a fucking star since he was a child, you motherfucker. Be nice to him. Yeah, that's my nigga, bro. He signed my check. Oh, yeah, that's right. Pauly does, for those of you that don't know, Pauly does sign all of the paychecks that go out here at the comedy

store. I'm nice to this motherfucker, man. What's up, dog? Of course. You guys are tight. Tony, what you been getting into? You been trying on women's clothes this weekend or what? Yeah, no. You know me. Absolutely. That's all I do. I go to women's places and I just try on the clothes and then I leave.

I just get out of there. I heard you selling booty holes in a candle. Yeah. No, I do. You and old girl got together? What? She's selling candles that smell like her pussy. You selling candles that smell like your ass?

No, yeah. No, I get it. Absolutely. Are you allowed near candles or does your blubber light up immediately? Man, get your potpourri smelling ass up out of here, bro. Dude, if we're talking about smells, I can't even imagine what kind of, I can't even imagine what kind of fucking shady car air freshener you spray yourself with. I got a chicken and waffle candle coming out this year.

You do? That shit smell like Roscoe's. Yeah? What does it taste like, though? I don't know, bro. Shit. You look like you eat candles. That's the joke there.

Let's check in with Tom DeLonge. When are you two going to have sex already? There's sexual chemistry that's pulsating off every word that comes out of your lips every week when you look deep into each other's eyes. I know you think about each other every week.

Can everybody just laugh at once so that he stops? Good God. If the first beat doesn't work, he just keeps going. For those of you that haven't figured out Jeremiah's trick yet Alright that shit sound like he gonna narrate Tony Hawk's biography There once was a skater who had a video game

That came in a box of pizza I didn't know that you had This much knowledge about me And I'm impressed I grew up around nothing but white people Until I was 13 What are you expecting Didn't know that you had this much knowledge about me. All right, guys. I grew up around nothing but white people until I was 13. What do you expect, dude? You're blacker than the grip tape on my skateboard.

Hey, there you go. There you go. Absolutely doodly. Well, what else has been going on, David? Shit. Let's see. Not much, dog. Just, you know, the dates coming up. Working out new shit like always, bruh.

Just thriving to be one of the greatest comedians ever. You know what I'm saying? So that's... I don't really care about the fame. You're definitely on your way to being one of the biggest comedians ever. Oh, shit. Goddamn, Tony. I don't really care about the fame. You're definitely on your way to being one of the biggest comedians ever. Goddamn, Tony. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Seriously, for the last seven years, but I started when I was 16. How long have you been here for? In L.A.? At the store. I just got hired, what, two months ago? Yeah. But I've been coming to the store for like eight years, but the consistency that helped me get the door job was like 10 months straight

is when I just dedicated my Mondays to potluck and kill Tony. Hell yeah. Like in February of last... No, no, no, not 10, seven months. I mean, you've been doing potluck seven days a week for long before you came to that. What do you take to potluck?

You like you make a fucking tuna casserole. Get your quiche eating ass about it. What are you doing, bro? He's poking you with a microphone. You're my friend now, too. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. That's my nigga, bro.

The Arabic guy. What's his name? The Armenian guy. Oh, yeah. Oh, the Armenian guy. You. That's my nigga, bro. The Arabic guy. What's his name? The Armenian. Oh, yeah. Oh, the Armenian guy. You look like a Silver Lake fighter pilot. What the fuck is this guy doing? Is that what white people do to black people when they don't know what they are?

Like the Pillsbury Dough Black guy. Let me poke this nigga. Let me see if he... What the fuck? Oh, he got the little uppercut there. He got see if he... What the fuck? Oh, he got the little uppercut there. He got the uppercut on the belly. Hey, bro, since you poking me, I'm going to need you on my podcast Wednesday,

and you can't say no in front of all these people. He's already at it. I got to be in Kansas City. What you get? You about to open your vegan barbecue restaurant? No, we're doing shows. You want to come with me, bro? Hell yeah.

All right. Well, we're going to do this. Yeah. I got to buy my own ticket or what? No, no. I'll take care of you. Okay, I'm late. Wow, look at that.

David Lucas is going with Pauly to Kansas City this weekend. That's the type of magic I need. How much time you got? I got as much time as you need. Yeah? Yeah. What you need, 20? 20, yeah.

I got 20. I got 30, yeah. Look at that. You're taking them this weekend? Yeah, but I'm going to sell the merch, though, too, bro. What? We got to fucking pay for the plane tickets, bro. What, I got to sell Weasel t-shirts?

Yeah. Okay, I'll do it. Yeah, they're cool. Weasel, bro. Yeah, the Weasel. Let me hear you see it. Do it. Sell the merch.

Huh? Pretend you're selling my merch. Hey, what's up, man? I got pony short t-shirts, two for $60, one for $30. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't fucking make... There's no fucking bargains, dude. The Midwest, bro.

One at a time. How much are they? 20 bucks. I was getting you more. Two for $60. Yeah, but you can't... Dude, he's on to something. What kind of Jew are you, Pauly?

I was getting you more. He an honest one. Like, nigga, you selling him for too much. I'm going to take the $10 for me. Is that a tattoo you have on your hand there? Yeah, it's my anchor, and I'm a writer, so my hands hold me down. Because I want some real shit, bro. Even though I did grow up pretty affluent, I had a lot of bullshit going on in my life,

and I got involved a lot with the wrong crowds. And when I started doing comedy, it kind of took my energy and transformed it into comedy. Because when I was like 17, 18, I was a... Red Band, Red Band, you fucking kitty litter smelling motherfucker. If you don't get the fuck out of here, bro, what's your fucking... I don't know. You look like you lay on straws of hay, nigga. It's true. Hell yeah, bro.

Get this nigga two shots of transmission fluid, whichever. I love it. Comedy just basically helped me channel all the bullshit I was doing. You know how it is. A lot of kids that grow up in the suburbs want to be tough for some reason. You know what I'm saying?

And I was a kid who had everything. I had the car, so I was taking everybody to do the stupid shit. And I got arrested one time. My mom got me out of it. So that was kind of like, I need to change everything into comedy. You know what I'm saying? Wow, that's beautiful, David. Look at you.

Wow. That's why you have the anchor on your hand? Yeah, because my hands hold me down. See, I thought you had an anchor on your hand because that's what happens when you get into water. You just sink to the bottom. Not because you can't swim, but because you're not buoyant at all. You're up here looking like an anorexic killer whale. All right, well.

Free willy, face ass. Do you breathe out of your back? I love that you think I love that you're calling me You think I'm the one that looks like the killer whale Out of the two of us I don't know if he should go I don't know if he should go to Kansas City with me

No you gotta take him now I love it It's fun You doing shows there Friday and Saturday? Thursday, Friday, Saturday? Friday, Saturday. Just Friday, Saturday. We in there.

Heck yeah. There's a fucking barbecue there. You gonna take care of that shit? I'm a pescatarian. He only eats fish. Oh, yeah. So some smoked salmon I'll do. Oh, that was a Jew fucking thing you just threw at me.

I eat smoked salmon and capers. Really? You like smoked salmon? Oh, yeah. I'm a pescatarian. I don't know what a fucking pescatarian is. Pescatarian. It's a new religion.

Oh, it's a religion? Yeah. I religiously eat fish. You used to eat barbecue. I used to. No more? Nah. Come on, bro.

If I gave you a fucking rib, you wouldn't tear that shit up? No. That's not cool. If I gave you a dreidel, would you spin it? Oh, my God. No, I'm just kidding. Fuck that. That's not cool If I gave you a dreidel would you spin it? Oh my god Alright man I'm out of here bro I gotta get back to work There he goes

David Lucas ladies and gentlemen Wow David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. His hip ran into the table. Jesus Christ, you broke the fucking table, dude. He's got a lot of momentum in those hips. My goodness gracious. Well, normally that's, you know, we have two regulars,

then we go back to the bucket. We are going to go back to the bucket in just a moment. However, we do have a brand new regular on this show, everybody. First time in a very long time that we've had three regulars, but we just couldn't help ourselves when we pulled this guy out of the bucket a month and a half ago. We absolutely fell in love with his completely different style, his story, everything about him. He was diagnosed a couple years ago with Lou Gehrig's disease, and he writes and performs a brand-new minute every single week on this show. Just started stand-up about six, seven, eight months ago,

but has 20 years of training in the improv game in Chicago. But the way he's transitioned into a stand-up so far, quite incredible. Can't wait to see what his new minute's like this week. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the brand-spanking-new regular on Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen, Michael Lehrer, everybody. Thank you. Set it off.

Set it off. Yeah. Oh, hey, everybody. Everyone always has the same question for me. The answer is yes. I fuck on the first date. Alright? But I can't be a fuckboy no more.

I'm kicking it to this chick wondering if she has tears. I can't do that. I can't even watch porno no more. It makes me too sad that I can't bone like that. I need an orderly to even try to fuck a glory hole. a fucking glory hole. Hey, hey, and I'm not gay. I just get a really wicked itch deep inside my asshole

that can only be scratched by big black cock. Wow. Michael Lair doing it again. How about now? Can you see it now? Go back down. Go back down. What did he do to the close-up, bro?

I mean, it's unbelievable. Jesus Christ. Now, can you do it now? Can you do it now? Can you zoom in now? David, can you stand there and operate the camera? Tony, Tony, we can talk about this after, but you can't see anything on that camera. Well, that was a great moment.

He fucked up. That's dumb, too. Well, that's all dumb. Everybody fucked up on that one. That's great. Anyway, how about that performance from Michael Lair? I'll tell you, for those of you watching the live stream, it was great.

Sorry you didn't get to see it. Exciting stuff. Michael, how's life going, buddy? Great. I'm getting camera ready for pilot season, y'all. Yeah. I can play all the disabled MSCP downs. Yeah, Tony, what the fuck, man?

Talk to me. Why are you ignoring me? I know, because it's not cool. Dude, he's got to be more on top of you. Yeah. I feel like some personals happen with Brian and Tony. Pauly, can we talk? Yeah. I lovely, can we talk? Yeah.

I love you, man. You're part of me growing up. You're part of the fabric, the weeds of pop culture in my life. Thank you, Brian. Lovely. Tony, you're still mad. Yeah, I'm a little bit mad, pal.

I'm me? We fucked up the camera situation that we prepared for for like, I don't know, 20, 30 minutes before the show started. In which I specifically said out loud into microphones that I knew everyone would fuck up. And then it fucked up. It was incredible. What really happened is Tony was supposed to have him come out on this side, and we all agreed that we're going to have him on this side, and he didn't tell any of us.

We know this isn't going to get a laugh or make any sense. He's just blaming all these people for no very good. Sorry, it's over. There you go. Tom DeLonge. Thank goodness. Here to break up the monotony of a tattered show. So, Michael, how's life been going this past week,

now that you're the new regular on Kill Tony? Wonderful. The best part of my life is that my 21-year-old son lives in me. But the biggest surprise is he eats Reese's Puffs for breakfast. How weird is that? You're too old to eat Reese's Puffs for breakfast, Colin.

He eats Reese's Puffs? Reese's Puffs and Fruity Pebbles. Oh my god. He drinks milk too. Who drinks milk anymore? What's his age

again? Whole milk. These are all things to be these are all good things to be disappointed in your 21 year old son about. Yeah, no doubt. No doubt. Well, he steals too, but that's another story. Wow. I'm kidding.

What has he stolen from you? Anything? My heart, but no, it was my fault because kidding. What has he stolen from you? Anything? My heart. But no it wasn't my fault cause I made him and then left for 21 years. There you go. Absolutely. Say it ain't so

I will not go. So what have you been learning about your son that other things that you didn't know? Is that wild? Does he live with you and your nurse slash girlfriend? Yeah, he lives with my nurse and my slash girlfriend and me. And I learned that he's really fucking messy. He's super messy, but he's a young man bringing his way in a busy Los Angeles town.

Can we meet him for a second? I know he's backstage. Do you guys want to meet him? He's a beautiful kid. I don't want to mess up your show. Where's Colin at? Hey, here he is, everybody. Go over there.

Say hi to everyone. Yeah, talk to him. Did he really leave you for 21 years? Yes. Wow, look at that. Did he really leave you for 21 years? Yes. Wow, look at that. And look how you turned out. Just absolutely adorable. Yeah.

You have your mom's hair, and luckily you don't have your father's legs. I love it. I deserve that and so much worse. Why don't you step up to the microphone for a second, Colin? We'll get to meet you a little bit. You've never done comedy or anything like that before, have you? No.

Do you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? Are you good at magic tricks? With hair like that, it seems like you'd have a porn star cock. Am I right? No, I got a haircut today and I told them to give me the golden girls. Hey! Look at that! Wow!

We wrote that backstage! My goodness gracious. Father and son bonding! Hell yeah, I love it. This guy has one more joke than the first comedian that went up tonight. Incredible.

Wow. So Colin, how are you transitioning to LA? Where'd you come from again? I came from Wyoming. Wyoming. Oh yeah, culture shock. There's people here. That's like one fucking state I haven't been to.

Have you been to Wyoming? No, I haven't either. What city are you from in Wyoming? What's it called? Newcastle, Wyoming. Newcastle. That's where your mom lives? Yes.

Oh, yeah. All right. 3,000 people. Hell yeah. 3,000 people. One movie screen. Can you fucking believe that? Yeah, one screen.

Well, Colin, what do you think is playing on that one screen right now? Rambo 5. That's so funny. I wish I had a relationship with my dad like this. I love it. Colin, you want to do any shout-outs to the cowboys back home? No. Cowboys back home?

No. So how's life? Have you tried to bring any chicks back home to your dad and the nurse girlfriend's place yet? No, I don't like the echoes. The echoes? In the apartment. The echoes? No carpeting.

It's just really... Oh, a lot of noises. And when you fuck, let's face it, the fucking headboards going through the fucking wall. I mean, Jesus, right? Exactly. You have any special maneuvers that you do to a lady in the bedroom that you're quite proud of? You ever do anything like you stand on your hands and do like an upward thrust while they're hanging off the top bunk of a bed or something like that? I'm just spitballing here.

I don't know. You can give your own example. That might be one of my moves. Might not be, but. Yeah, do you ever masturbate in her gym socks? Good question. You have any tricks in the bedroom? Any baby making tricks?

I do. Really, Michael? Can you give us an example of something? Yeah, he's right there. I love it. Well, this is the weirdest looking cum I've ever seen. The Chinese guy, Steve Lee. Steve, they should do that fucking, they should practice. Oh, the cripple fight.

This is perfect. Pauly has a good idea. Michael Lair versus Steve Lee. I think we should throw it down. What do you guys think? Make sense? A little too gnarly, right? I don't think they really want to see that, Paulie. Wait, there was another guy in a wheelchair here?

No, you don't want to know. He had actual walkers. He has the little walking sticks. Oh, bullshit. Yeah. But let's put it this way I'm happier this way cause the last thing we want is that guy

driving around in a fucking wheelchair just running over everything you know a lot of comics on wheelchairs and they come up to me and they give me a fist bump and they think I'm gonna fuck with them

just cause I'm in a wheelchair. No, no, no. Let me see those bits first, motherfucker. Let me see the what first? Bits. He judges comedians by their jokes, not by their wheelchairs. Oh, bits. I have trouble enunciating.

It's the old Lou Gehrig's disease, right? Yeah. Bad rum. Bad rum. Ladies and gentlemen, the brand new regular with his first regular minute, Michael Lair, everybody. Wow. Wow. Wow.

My goodness gracious. How exciting is that? You guys want to go back to that bucket one more time, huh? All right. Let's see what happens here. Okay, put your hands together for Ishmael Gaynor, ladies and gentlemen. Ishmael Gaynor. Say it ain't so, I will not go.

Turn the lights off, carry me home. Come on, everybody. One more time for Ishmael Gaynor. What's up, what's up, what's up, everybody? How y'all doing, how y'all doing? I used to work at Walgreens. Horrible place. I hated working there.

Mostly because everybody stole. That was like the worst thing about Walgreens. I'm not saying all of y'all in here are stealing but I'm saying you're definitely related to some people that are definitely stealing. You know what I'm saying? It's weird because I work in the community so I'll be seeing people and they'll come in and we'll try to have a conversation or whatever.

I'll just be like, yo, what's up, Carl? He'll be like, what up, Ish? I'm like, you buying something today? He like, nah. Fuck you think I got this trash bag for, fam? You know what I'm saying? I'm clearing out all aisle 12. Like, all your soap.

All your tie. I'm like, all right, Carl, you got it. You know, whatever. And so my boss, he'll be like, Ish, you have to say something to him. Because this is 10th time stealing from us this year. You know what I'm saying? Like, you have to say something to him. So I walk outside. I'm like, Ishmael, you have to say something to him, because this is 10th time stealing from us this year, you know what I'm saying? You have to say something to him. So I walk outside, I'm like, Carl, why are you stealing, bro?

You 45. Why don't you get a job like everybody else? And he looked me dead in my soul, and he was like, if I steal this shit, and I go outside and I sell it on a corner, that's 100% profit. You can't beat that in Los Angeles. And I was like, you know what, Dad? Go ahead. There you go.

Coming in a little bit long. Ishmael Gaynor, welcome to the show. Thank you, thank you. It's your first time on, right? Yes, yes, yes. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years. Five years. How old are you?

I'm 29. 29? Yeah. You from here? No, I'm from New York. have you been doing stand-up? Five years. Five years. How old are you? I'm 29. 29? Yeah. You from here? No, I'm from New York. New York. You live there now? Yeah, I live in New York.

Yeah, I live in Yonkers, New York. Oh, cool. You're just visiting? Yeah, yeah, just for the week. Sweet. What do you do for work? Well, I used to work at Duane Reade. I'm sorry I lied to everybody in here.

No, I work at LOL Comedy comedy club new york oh cool so that's the only thing i do oh yeah yeah work at a comedy club that's fun what do you like to do for fun out in new york uh i mean you know when you're not doing stand-up i mean go to parties like everybody else you know parties you know what kind of parties like regular parties you know i'm saying like you know i don know. I don't go to regular parties. Tell me. I don't know what regular parties are like. I've never been to one.

I like to go to regular black parties. It's like kickbacks. Ooh, black parties. Yeah. They almost like cookouts, but they not. There ain't no food, really. It's just us chilling. Sick.

Like what do you guys do? We play spades. That's what we do. You know what I'm saying? Sis, let them know. Let them know. Spades. You know what I'm saying? Sis, let him know. Let him know. Spades. You know what I'm saying?

That's it? You play spades? Yeah. You never played spades before, Tony? It's been a long time. I was like in school. You look like an Ace is High type of person. And I don't think, I don't know if that.

I don't know what the fuck that's supposed to mean. Okay, cool, cool, cool. I'm deeply offended. It's all right. It's all right. Why? You count aces one? Oh, there's one other black guy laughing. The one black person is like, nah, not at all.

Actually, not at all. Normally, people who are not from the East Coast play aces high. Most people from the East Coast play deuces wild. That's what that means. I feel like the deuces... Alright, I feel like I'm explaining the culture. I just want to keep that. Most people from the East Coast place deuces wild. That's what that means. Get like the deuces. All right.

I feel like I'm explaining the culture. I don't want to. I just want to keep that. That's the East Coast versus West Coast, dog. East Coast, you're cool. Good stuff, bro. We're good. Thanks.

Appreciate it, man. Appreciate it, man. What else are you into, Ishmael, when you're not doing stand-up? Ishmael, the fucking name's wild. What's your nationality? It's wild. I'm just black. I'm just black. Ishmael? Ishmael-up. Ishmael. What's the fucking name? It's wild. What's your nationality? It's wild. I'm just black. I'm just black.

Ishmael? Ishmael? Yeah, Ishmael. Just black. It's a biblical name. It sounds like a Jewish name. I mean, it's in the Bible, so I'm not going to guess.

Ishmael. Your friends just call you Ish? Yeah. Ish. Yeah. Yeah. They'll say, I mean, they'll rhyme Ish with other stuff.

Like when I was younger, this girl used to, like, stalk me. And she used to, like, draw pictures. And then she would, like, draw a picture of me. And on the bottom of it, she was like, if I went to McDonald's, I would get an ish meal. And I was like, okay. I didn't really have anything. It was stupid. It was like that.

That's cool. Okay. He also goes by Black Ish. Hell yeah. It was like that. That's cool. Okay. He also goes by Black-ish. Ha ha ha ha ha. Hell yeah. That was good. Chroma, Chris, are you fucking kidding me? That's a good line, dude. Wow, Chroma.

I mean, that is unbelievable. For those of you that don't know, Chroma is normally dead silent on these shows. He's known for always batting a thousand. He very rarely talks, but when he does, it hits home. That black-ish, that's a funny joke. Chroma, it's incredible. That's like

your third or fourth fucking bigum tonight. What's going on? What'd you do? Have your fruity pebbles and reesey puffs today? I got the power of Mark Hoppus. Is that the bass? That's the bass player from Blink-182? Yeah, he's always trying to be the front man, but I'm the power of Mark Hoppus. Is that the bass? It's the bass player from Blink-182? Yeah, he's always trying to be the front man, but I'm the front man. Until I sing.

My goodness. I wish you would have died in that plane crash. Oh, my God. I can't believe you said that to him. That's why you're not in the band anymore. I didn't even know that Tom DeLonge isn't in the band anymore. I believe in aliens, but nobody believes in me. Wow.

My goodness gracious. What's the name of the bass player again? Mark what? Mark Hoppus. Mark Hoppus. Yeah, I didn't know that. You know, I've always been more of a, when it comes to that type of thing,

I've always been more of like a 311 type of guy back in the day. Today, I was on the 311 cruise a couple years ago and missed the one. You look more like a third eye blind fan. Oh, Jesus. How dare you.

He just called you a fag in the music world. I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend. How dare you. Very good. Thank you, Tom.

Okay. All right. I guess I'm going into another song. All right. Ishmael Gaynor. I do children's parties, too, now. How about one more time for Ishmael Gaynor, everybody? Ish.

There he goes. All right. Well, I guess we could end it there, right? That's probably the right move. You can't end like that, dude. You guys think we should do one more real quick? Just real quick. Alright. Put your hands together for your final comedian of the night, Tony Isapuzzi.

That's a funny one. You got me. That was a good one, kids. Good one. I'll give it to you. Six and a half years. Six and a half years. Dude! Six and a half years it took someone to break that fucking

You, Ben, blinked Very good Everybody turns on me because everybody's at a shitty show tonight Period It's good for their final comedian of the night Christian Wessay Christian Wessay No No No Christian Wessey. No.

No. No. All right. There's no Christian, guys. No Christian. I was going to say, I was going to say, you know, my theory was is that I think the only interesting way to end a show like this would be to have, you know, we've had in the past drum offs, and we've had in the past drum offs and we've had in the past

saxophone offs. I was wondering if there's anybody out there that would want to challenge Chroma Chris for the first time ever to perhaps a bass off to end the show. Is there anyone out there that knows how to play the bass guitar by any chance? If not, no big deal. But if so, just figuring, taking a chance. Is there anyone, Is that a human being that might want to play the bass over there? Who is that guy? Is that? Nope. No, he's not.

He doesn't want to play the bass. Okay. Anyone else? Can I pick the person and we end with one person? Sure. Yeah, we could do that. Whoever you pull out of that bucket is playing this bass. Wait.

Hold on one second. What did Chroma Chris say? Whoever you pull out of that bucket is going to play this bass. Okay. I know. Is there a bass player? Wait, hold on one second. What did Chroma Chris say? Whoever you pull out of that bucket is going to play this bass. Okay, I know. I'll win. Pauly Shore is going to pick the final ticket. Am I allowed? I mean, I don't want to be in your fucking bucket.

Has the guest ever picked your bucket? Just pull a name out. But I'll tell you this. If it starts with Tony, be careful about the... Oh, shit. Is Penn here? There's a Penn. Penn, come on up.

And Teller. There's a Penn in the bucket. There's always an extra Penn. Rick Thor. Rick Thorn. Thorn, Rick Thorn. Rick Thorn, ladies and gentlemen. Look at this. Here he comes. Beautiful. Hell yeah.

This guy looks like he actually knows how to play the bass. How about one more time for Rick Thorn, everybody? I'm in the fucking band. I was the fourth member and shit. What the fuck? Make some noise for your final comedian of the night, Rick Thorn, everybody.

Hey, guys. How's it going? I'm a professional BMX bike rider, one of the best in the world. I started doing stand-up about eight months ago, so here we go. All right. I'm a single dad. I got two kids. All right. Raising kids on your own isn't easy because especially nowadays, they learn shit so quick.

Like the other day, I was at the mall with my son. We're walking, and he's all excited. It's Christmas time. I'm thinking he's seeing something he wants to buy. He's like, Dad, Dad, Dad, I want to tell you something I'm gonna I'm gonna ask you something I was like what he's like have you ever kissed a woman's titty true story and I'm like what the fuck's going on you guys are learning shit way too fast so I was like yeah I mean no I mean just come on son like let's just keep going he's, dad, dad, I want to ask you something else. But he asked me like he was like a pro at it.

Like, hey, Tony, huh? No offense, not you, Tony, but that's just how I talk. Tony is this guy I got going on. He's like, hey, Tony, huh? You ever been to a strip joint? And I'm like, what the fuck is going on in society? How does my son know about strip joints and titties? So I look at him and I

say, son, do I look like the kind of guy that would go to a strip joint? He's like, isn't that where you met mom? Thanks, guys. See you. Fuck yeah. Rick Thorne. What's up, buddy? Travis. I know

Travis real well, actually. You know Travis Barker? Yeah, I wrote for his company. In real life? Yeah. You work for his company? Yeah, Famous Stars and Stripes. We sponsored Rick years ago, you know?

Yeah, they did. Like six years. Rick, didn't you get... You got injured a few months ago, right? How are you doing after recovering from that injury? Oh, my gosh. Okay, here's the deal. I fell.

I did the last Warped Tour, right? Rick Thorne is indeed one of the best BMX riders of all time. Is rider the right word? I'll take it. Yeah, BMXer or shredder, ripper, whatever. One of the best shredders of all time since Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Look, I'm 50 years old. I started riding when I was 11. This is like early 80s and shit. I'm still riding. Yeah, man. I used to skate pools then. I interviewed you for a TV show. You don't remember.

But I get it. You do a lot of shit. You're badass. It was a show called 54321. It was on Fox. And it was like a brief interview. We were at an event. And I did a lot of TV shit. So anyways anyways good to see you again. Yeah, you're badass Do you have like metal cuz in your body from falling I do you do okay?

Can you see it can we see it give me your finger like this? I'm not gonna get weird with it ready fill that screw right there Yeah, dude. Oh my god Here I tore my urethra and shit before wow man it was fun how'd you tear your urethra okay i was riding and my chain broke right and i went to pedal i was at a contest and like fucking my chain broke and i slammed and i racked myself okay it's a crazy story so i racked myself. Okay, this is a crazy story. So I racked myself, and I was like, fuck. And I used to ride for Matt Hoffman.

Matt Hoffman's like the best fucking badass ever. The condor. The fucking shred, dude. The condor. Oh, fuck yeah. So I was like, yo, Matt, like fucking, like I went to the bathroom, and I'm pissing blood and shit. He's like, dude, go back to the hotel. Just chill.

Relax. And I was like, all right. This is back in the day. We were making no money. We drove in an Astro van from fucking. By the way, I'm from Kansas City. Oh, sick. Yeah, so stoked.

You want to open for me too? Fucking. Dude, I could come out. I could come out with my bike and shit. Do a couple little tricks and do this and that. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's cool. It's barbecue all day.

Yeah. But what's your T-shirt sales like? They're through the roof. So anyways, listen. Where was I? I go back to the hotel and I fall asleep.

I was like, fuck, dude. I just passed out. I woke up about two in the morning. Matt's next to me and the whole bed is full of blood. My dick had just been bleeding. And I was like, fuck. Oh, wait. We were talking about the torn urethra.

I fight my dick all the time. Dude, it sucked. So anyways, I had to get a urethra. A lot of people don't know this, Rick. But I actually bleed once a month as well because Tony is a pussy. There you go. See how I lean into it? I take ownership of it in the end.

No, I'm stoked to be here, dude. I've been coming to this show. I'm so stoked to meet all of you. I am. I'm stoked to be up here. It's just rad. So then you wake up and then what happened? Covered in blood?

Well, then I had to go to the doctor and I was like, you know, I learned about my body by tearing it up. You know what I mean? Right. But I just remembered, like, I was like, fuck, like, what's the urethra what is that like I don't know and like you piss out of I was like fuck so this guy this fucking guy had like hair on his back and shit he was like a big dude and he's taking me up to like the seventh floor like on this stretcher and it was weird because the hospital was closed, I felt like.

You know what I mean? And the doctor's like, okay, we need to shoot some dye into your dick. And we're going to shoot an x-ray to see if you have a tear. Yeah, so I got that. And I was like, fuck, it was weird. I thought I was going to get molested by this dude

because it was weird. And I don't know if anyone out there has ever had a camera shoved down their dick hole, but it's fucking not cool. It fucking sucks, dude. It's not kinky. It's not fucking fun. It's not like exotic or any of that shit. What did you have that for? Were they looking for your brain?

No. What's up, dude? Just like a normal test. It's a normal up thethe-dick test? When you get my age, you have to get these stupid tests. I think when you get your age, you have to get... No, that was for fucking chlamydia or something, bro. No, no, no.

Not that I would know that or anything. Hold on, hold on. Michael only read something. It ended up being just a skittle. I had testicular torsion once, and that means your balls get twisted up in your sack, and they have to untwist them, and I've never been the same.

That's tonight's episode of Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for Rick Thorne, everybody. Thank you. Guys, we did it. I mean, the icon of the comedy store, the chosen one, the truth, the one and only Pauly Shore was with us tonight. Again, Kansas City this weekend. Random Rants podcast. I'm doing it this Wednesday. He's got a new movie called Guest House coming out soon. Be on the lookout for that. Look at this

drawing from Ryan J. Ebelts, everybody. And go visit the newly public grave site of the all-powerful, all of the people on this stage and yourselves owe it to her. Without her, the world would be a completely different, much less laughter on this planet. The great Mitzi Shore, who designed and created not only the comedy store, but every inch of

color, art, who's been in it, who's not in it, how it happens, how they work, where their careers go, changed all of comedy entertainment, changed which coast that it happened on. And she's here right now, so give it

up to her. My mom. Mitzi Shore, ladies and gentlemen. And she's here right now, so give it up to her. Mitzi Shore, ladies and gentlemen. And that's at Mount Sinai here in Los Angeles, the cemetery. How about one more time for Tom DeLonge, the one and only Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. Fuck yeah. Did it again. He's on Lights Out with David Spade tonight.

That's coming on at 11.35 on Comedy Central. So if you still have cable, tune it up for Comedy Central with Lights Out. That's so awesome. He also has, of course, Jeremiah Wonders on YouTube. A new episode out now with another

powerful woman of the comedy store, the great Eleanor Kerrigan. Oh, and Pauly's in the famous music video with Reagan and Watkins, stepdad Robbie. And Jeremiah, of course, is on social media, Jeremiah Stand-Up, YouTube at Jeremiah Watkins, and tickets for his upcoming shows are at Jeremiah Watkins dot com. If you live near Tahoe, Buffalo, Syracuse or Albany, New York, check out Jeremiah Watkins dot com for tickets and at Pauly Shore on social media.

Of course, for Pauly, P-A-U-L-Y-S-H-O-R-E. Anything else, Jeremiah? I just want to give a shout out and thank you to Brian Redband, Tony Hinchcliffe for giving us an awesome platform like this to play on thanks so much guys how about one more time silent but deadly batted a thousand over there from the band Blink 182 it's Mark Hoppus

Chroma Chris everybody you can also check out my other band Dracking the Swamp Rats at The Smell this Friday on the 17th of January fuck yeah and how about one more time Ludwig sponsored artist and Draken the Swamp Rats at The Smell this Friday on the 17th of January. Fuck yeah. And how about one more time? Ludwig, sponsored artist. You know him as Mostly Sorry.

It's Strollberg Joel Jimenez, everybody. And yeah, we did it again. Our regulars, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lair. Again, thank you to Lyric for this amazing hospitality this weekend. Vito's Pizza for the dinner. We're going all around the world still. Calgary, Tempe,

Vancouver, Kiltoni, Easton, Swansea, La Jolla, Ventura, Boston, and Austin. It's all happening. Nitro Caveman Coffee. Go to cavemancoffee.com. Use the promo code KILLTONY and get 20% off there. Very, very fun stuff, guys. Hey, we have a bunch of Texas episodes hitting YouTube this week.

So, yeah, three extra bonus episodes. So check it out. Subscribe to our YouTube, youtube.com slash killtony. Absolutely. And to the live audience, the people that come every Monday and are coming soon, we're going to announce a very major guest for next week and the next coming days but we thank you guys for coming out

all the time and supporting this this show, the Monday nights when I got here at the Comedy Store on Monday nights, this room sat dark and empty every single Monday and it is a dream come true getting to fill it up and have fun energies and give different people opportunities and meet new people every week and get to work with all my friends.

And I'm glad you guys are part of it. Thank you, guys. Good night, everybody. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Iko mara nai, Ene, Iolati, Noi, Iza, Omo, Ica,

Ile, Ione, Iolati, Noi, Iza, Ma,夜に乗り去る待ってられないので 夜に乗り去る Bye. Thank you.