KILL TONY - KILL TONY #431

Episode Date: January 23, 2020

Moshe Kasher, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 01/20/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Deals so good, everyone approves only at home sense Hey, this is red band and you're listening to kill tony check out our website death squad dot tv There you have every past episode of kill tony including video portions to all the shows And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live We're at the comedy store every monday at eight o'clock, but we're always on the road. So click on tour dates to see where we're at next. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own tour dates, like his comedy shows. He also has some merch up there. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, that's the house artist. He drew the Kill Tony book.

He has a bunch of stuff for sale. Check out RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We got some Kill Tony shirts over there. We got some Death Squad hats and mugs. Check out ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hedgecliff. Wow, look at this. It's just a random Monday, and we're packed.

You guys excited about this? You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Make some noise for the listeners at home, the thousands and thousands watching on the youtube stream the great brian red band hey everybody great ryan je belt here drawing tonight's episode we have a bucket this is exciting and we go on the road this week straight to calgary sold out kill tony and uh still a few tickets available for the four stand-up comedy shows that I'm doing at the Calgary Laugh Shop. That is a gigantic venue. So get your tickets now.

I'm doing stand-up in a couple weeks in Tempe, Arizona. Five shows there. Kill Tony Vancouver. Still tickets available for a massive venue. Not many tickets at all for a massive venue. We are doing a gigantic theater there. And Kill Tony East, going back to Swansea, February 29th. Kill Tony La Jolla, March.

Actually, I've been saying the wrong date on that. It's the Sunday. March 5th is the weekend. I'm going to be doing stand-up there all weekend, and we're doing two Kill Tonys on the Sunday night there. I believe it's either the 8th or the 9th of March, whatever the Sunday is. And then March 12th, Kill Tony Ventura. April 9th, Kill Tony Boston with four stand-up comedy shows, April 10th and 11th.

And then from Boston to Austin on April 25th, Kill Tony Moontower. Very excited. We're all stuffed up on Vito's Pizza, delicious pizza made right here fresh on La Cienega Boulevard. If you Kill Tony fans are ever coming to the show or anything like that, and you're hungry before the show, grab some delicious Vito's Pizza right here on La Cienega. They support us, and we support them.

Exciting stuff. I'm all hopped up on delicious Caveman coffee. I have nitro cold brew here. Did you guys know that if you use the promo code Kill Tony, that you can drink the same coffee as I... Watch this. Oh, man. Delicious. Oh, man. The energy. It's crazy. And that keeps me happy. It keeps me stress-free, which is an important thing. Because as you get older, things change about your life. Things change in the man regions. Things change on top of your head. 66% of men start to lose their hair by age 35. And once you've noticed thinning hair,

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My goodness. Wow. That's insane. Whoa. That was a lot of work tonight. We are excited about this, ladies and gentlemen. It is the return of one of our favorite guests in the history of the show. Every week we have one of the funniest comedians in the world on.

This guy is up there with all the great guests of this show on appearances and performances and we absolutely love him. He has a brand new amazing crowd work album coming out this Friday and he's here to talk with us about that and to talk to these comedians. One of our favorite guests ever, the great

Moshe Kesher, everybody's here. Wow. Moshe Kesher. Moshe Kesher, everybody's here. Wow. Moshe Kesher. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back, Moshe Kesher. Thank you.

Very exciting. This weekend you're going to be at Sketch Fest for a special release of your new crowd work album called Crowd Surfing this Friday the 24th. And you're also recording a podcast with the great and powerful natasha leggero this saturday that's friday and saturday at sf sketch fest yeah and you can get the album on friday it's a crowd work album it's a concept album it's not what do you do who are you with it's a it's a very specific set of questions i ask the crowd so we're kind of like a it's kind of a play on the crowd work album it's a i really like it i think it's really good. I think you'll like it. So get it. Get it. Kill Tony fans.

Get it. That's right. You're barely in mind, and we're going to play with it a lot tonight. As you know, we have a lot of shapes and sizes and insanity that happens on this show, and you're one of our favorite people to have here. And as you also know, there's a band on this show, ladies and gentlemen. Every single week they commit to being different characters. They're in a separate, separated green room from us. We never know what they're going to be. However,

we do have a very full band tonight, so maybe it's the return of some of our favorite characters. Maybe it's brand new characters. Let's all find out what they are together when I introduce the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Jesse Johnson, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris.

Here we go. Let's see what they are. Oh, wow. Legendary characters. Oh, my God. Here we go. Oh, this is going to be a big one tonight. Oh, this is a big one. Oh, my goodness gracious. Some of the more famous characters in the history of the show. I'm going to go out of order here. It's something I don't normally do. And before we get to the milkman, I'm going to say hello to the drummer of the band, legendary alcoholic Bill Billingsley, everybody. I'm going out of order a little bit.

Bill Billingsley, famously always just what is it again? What have you been up to? I work in advertising. I hate my wife and I'm fucking my secretary.

Wow. And you still have the usual drinking problem, Bill? Oh, it ain't a problem, baby. All right. And then the leader of the band, Jeremiah Watkins, is here. He is a milkman. We've had quite some amazing moments in the history of the show with the milkman. Yeah, didn't you fuck my wife, dude?

We have seen him do many great things. He's beat people in rap battles. He's also vomited all over Phoenix, Arizona at Stand Up Live. What's been happening, Milkman? Is that your name, just Milkman? Ah, yeah, you don't need to know me

by any other name. Can't leave evidence behind. Welcome back, Milkman. Yeah, you don't need to know me by any other name. That's good. Can't leave evidence behind. Welcome back, Milkman. And remind me who Chroma Chris is. Chroma, what are you tonight? My name is Pleasant Phil from Pleasantville. Oh, that's right. Pleasant Phil.

All right. I'll write that down. And we are graced with the presence of Kill Tony icon Jesse Johnson tonight. This is the first time I believe we've seen this character. Reintroduce us. I wasn't sure if I was allowed to talk. You're not. My name is Starla.

Unfortunately, I'm Bill's wife. Whoa. Wait a second. Is this true? Yeah. Can I just say I haven't had sex in 10 years wow maybe if you knew how to cook something other than a tv dinner oh my god or you could fuck my wife that's an option maybe i will the only thing getting me off these days is a dryer and that's a piece of shit too oh my goodness goodness gracious. Here come their instruments. How about a hand for

Brandon and David Deary. The people that make the whole operation run when it does properly. This is very exciting. We have the band. We have Red Band Soundboard. We have Moshe. We have the Bucket of Destiny ladies and gentlemen.

The whole backbone of the show is a bunch of people signed up for the opportunity to get up on this stage in front of this sold out audience here at the world famous Comedy Store, the greatest comedy club on the planet, and also to the live viewers all around the world and to the listeners

of the podcast. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. They know their time's up when they hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Then I interview you. We talk about your life. We find out more about the human being that got so lucky to have the opportunity on stage that they must give us truths to our questions in order so that we could find out more about them and have an interview.

You go from being a comedian on a show to a guest on a podcast in no time at all. You guys ready to start this puppy pie? We're live here at the Comedy Store. Guys, I know it's Monday, but I think we can do a little bit better than that. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? There we go. There we go. Then we will.

Then we will. Wow. All right. We're getting it started with a bang, everybody. This is absolutely crazy. One of the luckiest human beings in the history of bucket pools. She is a monster on this show. She is famous from this show.

I present to you the iconic Aphrodite, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Wow. Unbelievable. Wow. Here she is. Ladies and gentlemen, the real deal. Make some noise for Aphrodite, everybody. Thank you, everybody. Ah, senor. Ah, senor. Ah, senor. Ah, senor. Ah, senor. That's my new favorite Asian song.

I'm in love with Asian music now. I'm celebrating, actually, celebrating. I got a new job, everybody, a new job. Yeah. Don't you feel good when you get a new job? My new job is with this amazing company. It's called killyourwholefuckingfamily.com. Yeah, yeah. I know there's people in here. I know there's got to be at least half of

the people in this fucking audience that wants to kill your whole fucking family. Your uncle, your fucking mom, your sister, your brother. You know those motherfuckers you hate to see on holidays. Yeah, I'm talking about them. Kill your whole fucking family. Like for your mom, if you kill your mom, we'll give you a nickel. Yeah, we'll give you 25 cents for killing your dad. 10 cents for siblings.

Just kill them motherfuckers, we'll help you. Aphrodite, wow. All right, Aphrodite, everybody everybody coming in with a lot of anger not only does she want to kill her family she wants you to kill your family what's going on Aphrodite a lot of anger tonight people want to kill their fucking families

I'm just trying to be helpful I just like that you started off with that hardcore anti-Asian racism and it had nothing to do with anything else you talked about. I was like, oh, where's this going? Oh, that's it. We're here. OK.

What happened? Sing a little bit more of that Asian song to us. How does that go again? I'm so young. I'm so young. Isn't that our friend? I'm so young. I'm so young.

My favorite Asian song. Where did you hear that? Some Asian show. I don't know what they're saying, but I like it. It was called Kill Tony. You know that, right? Oh, really? Yeah. It's our friend that's been on here many times and she starts off her song in

Asian accent and sings. I've heard Asian accents, but I haven't heard that song before. Wait, it's an Asian woman that sings I'm So Young? Isn't that your girlfriend, Red Band? It's this Red Band's girlfriend. I got it off an Asian radio. I'm so young. he's so old. I just want to feel like an Asian person

and listen to some music. Well, you are like an Asian person because you are tremendously lucky. You get pulled out of this bucket more than anyone. I don't know how you do it. And also, you have more milk inside of you than the milkman here. This is incredible.

Oh, that was spoiled a long time ago. You know, all the young women cannot have all the titties and they cannot have all the ass. Oh my goodness. That is true, Aphrodite. You really, you know your brand. Blink blink 182. Blink blink. Oh my God. Jesus Christ.

There are people vomiting in the audience right now. Martin Luther King is proud. I got to say something about this getting older shit, because I'm really tired of people thinking getting older is a downhill thing. Right. It's not. You can fuck. Get your pussy sucked.

Oh, I love sucking pussy. That's like my favorite thing. I'm one of the best. No, no, not every one of them. Oh, my God. Don't be saying that shit. No, I'll be out on the block in West Hollywood just offering pussy sucks for like five bucks. Damn.

I think you need a shop vac to suck that pussy. That's all right. I get my ass sucked too. All right, Aphrodite. My goodness. Does that look like the chocolate tunnel from Willy Wonka's factory? Did a little German boy get

stuck inside of it? I told you I'd be getting that plantation fucking. Oh, Jesus. Come on, Afro. It's Martin Luther King Day. Why are you doing this? Martin would want me to fuck, okay? Oh, my God. I also like that you're wearing gold sequins in the front and camouflage

in the back. It's like mixed messages. It just turns around when the cops get nearer. Oh, yeah. But don't worry, I'm not going to kill nobody because it's hard getting rid of them damn bodies. Yeah, what do you do? Yeah, you just get mad and go away because if you kill the motherfuckers,

you got to figure out what to do with those bodies. All right. Just when you thought that figure out what to do with those bodies. All right. Just when you thought that Aphrodite couldn't get any darker. Wait, aren't you the pleasant one? You're supposed to be pleasant. Whenever there's a company that figures out how to get rid of bodies, it's going to be, oh, we're going to all kill our fucking families, right? Why don't you just suck them into your pussy?

I want to use it. I don't need them stuck in there. Oh, my God. This is an interesting tone that you have this week of kill your whole fucking family. Yeah, I thought of it when my sister pissed me off, so I figured, you know. I've thought of it before, too.

Right on, right on. I like you already. Let me ask you something pleasant, Phil. I rarely get to ask you a question. Is this the type of person that you would like to see move into your neighborhood? I've never seen one of these before in my life. Oh, that's all right. That's all right.

That's all right. Aphrodite, you get pulled out of this bucket so much. We've talked to you so much lately. Can I leave just a couple things really quick? A couple things? Just really quick. It's only a few seconds. A few seconds, I promise you.

Sure. I found out something really interesting. My family on my father's side. Oh, boy. One of our relatives is nearest green. He just got recognized for teaching Jack Daniels how to make whiskey. Oh, I'd like to meet this guy. One of my family members on my dad's side.

I thought you'd like to know that. That's cool. Yeah, it is cool. What was the other thing? And the other thing is... I want to sing that I'm So Young song again. If anybody wants to see after this show, I found out right before I turned 64

that my real eye color is dark blue, which is very rare. Okay, Aphrodite. I love it! I can't believe this is what you had to squeeze in. Real ass, hey! There you go, Aphrodite, everybody. I love you!

There she goes. Wow. Tony, before I go, Aphrodite, everybody. I love you! There she goes. Wow. Tony, before I go, I must let you know that my original eye color is blue. Had to squeeze that in. There she is. That was so necessary. Absolutely.

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because it just so happens that someone made a special trip here today. She made a long drive from where Moshe's from, the beautiful San Francisco area. She gained fame on this show by singing her Asian song. We fell in love with her, and she kicked off a couple Kill Tony manias with us for a special annual event in San Francisco. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you here on a special road trip today,

Nicole Tran, everyone. Here we go. All right. All right, maybe not. Let's go to the bucket. Wow. What? Oh, shut up, Aphrodite.

You're out of control. Blue-eyed bitch. All right, I pulled a name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Colin Heaton, everyone. Colin Heaton. Colin? Oh, look at this! Wow!

Ladies and gentlemen, we saw this guy last week. It's Michael Lair's son, Colin Heaton. This is my first time. I just moved here from Wyoming. I love the outdoors. So I was excited to see all the sidewalks are covered in tents. But they're not lovers of the great outdoors.

They're lovers of heroin. I'm still getting used to LA. Recently had a date, took a bird scooter. It was so awkward at the end deciding who gets the gushing head wound. Dating is hard. Girls don't want a guy who bird scooters and buy weed, gets too high at a bird scooter

home, has to call for a ride even when I said it wouldn't happen again. Side note, is anybody sanitizing these bird scooters? I was riding a bird scooter and I think I got bird flu. My next date I used Uber. Screwed up and got Uber Pool. A stranger sat between us.

They really hit it off. I never saw her again. Luckily I hit it off with the driver, but it didn't last long. I knew it was over when she started giving someone else shotgun. Fuck yeah. Colin Heaton, everybody. Absolutely.

So welcome, welcome. This is Michael Lair's son. There that is. The goat of the first time. But this isn't really your first time, is it? Technically second. Right. You're counting last week?

Are you counting last week? I don't know. Yeah, last week wasn't a thing. But we found out after that last week that you had actually, you've been on stage multiple times before with your father, but this is your first time up here solo? Yes. All right.

I guess you could count that. Sure, absolutely. Tony, Fortune Feimster looks great. There you go. For those of you that got bigger laugh than I thought it would. That's good. Based on cadence alone. That's fun. So welcome. Welcome, Colin. Your father has been doing comedy for well over 20 years in some form or another. So you were raised around it. And how old are you? I'm 21. 21. You really did just move here

from Wyoming. Two weeks ago. Oh my goodness. He really wasn't raised around it because your father wasn't in your life for 10 years. No, he was not. There you go. Absolutely. How does your mom feel? I was. He's raised around.

All right. So how does your mom feel about this big move to Los Angeles, California? She was nervous. I mean, I don't know. She hated it. But I hate Wyoming, so it went with me. Interesting. Interesting.

So what have you been doing since you got here? Weed's legal here And it's not where I'm from So I've been smoking So you've just been smoking a bunch of weed? Yeah, looking for jobs When you got here and smoked that blunt were you like It's my first time

No we have weed It's just not good And does your mom know that you smoke pot? Yes And did she know that you smoke pot? Yes. And did she know that you're smoking more pot now that you're out here? I'm sure she assumes. Yeah. You haven't been communicating with her?

Yeah, we talk almost every day still. Are their conversations as riveting as this one? So now you live with your dad. He has Lou Gehrig's disease, and you're helping him out, right? Yeah, yeah. That's part of the reason I moved here. Right. So what's the getting puss situation like?

That was the segue of segues in comedy, Tony. There you go. So your dad has Lou Gehrig's disease. You're here to help him out. Are you getting any pussy, though? Yeah. I wanted to paint the picture of this guy in a wheelchair and then him just trying to hook up with

chicks. You think it helps? I'm trying to work a way around it. It's just difficult. Yeah. You ever tell them that it's not your dad, that it's just some guy that you're helping out? Yeah. I go for the charity approach. Girls think I'm

a nice guy. Did you leave a girl back in Wyoming that you liked? Yeah. Yeah. But whatever. You have porn star energies, Colin. You're like very simple answers, sort of like a charismatic haircut. You seem like you have a cock like a fucking Louisville slugger. Am I close to right about that?

You said that last week. You really do think this. I said that about him? Really? Did I? Wow, there you go. That's crazy. I don't think I've ever said this about anybody else. He has porn star energies. I got an email from Tony on my way here. He's like, definitely say he's got a big fat

cock if he comes on stage. And I'm seeing it. That's true. That's fun stuff. So what's something we'd be surprised to know about you, Colin? Hmm. I went to college for choir. Wow.

Really? Can we hear some of your choir skills right now? Is that possible? Just jump right into it. Don't be shy. I'm so young. I'm so young. That was Moshe Kesher for those of you

listening to the podcast. Colin, come on. Give us some choir. Hit a good note for us. Fucking anything. Just go right into anything at all. Just do anything. La. You son of a bitch. Wyoming will let anyone into college.

That's what you learn in college? Studying choir? A few scales here and there. Yeah, why don't you show us some of that? Did you say scales? Can you get my wife one? Yeah, because you know Bill can't afford it on his own. Do I have any requests?

Colin, do you know any songs at all? Can you just do anything? Why do you need requests? What do they sing in Wyoming? Like Deutschland Uber Alice or something? No, you're not. No, we're not going to do Seal. Very good.

Clearly Jeremiah learned a new song on saxophone this week. Colin, what song do you know? What's a song that you know the words to? I was looking for like a 10 second example of the power of your voice. But I mean, if you want to do fucking Shine On You Crazy Diamonds or something like that. If you want to do an 11 minute piece, you feel free. I backed up into a cop car the other day. But he just drove off sometimes.

Life's okay. We need to get you checked for Lou Gehrig's disease ASAP. I think it may be genetic, and I think it may be affecting your nervous system. The head of the choir department ran in and was like, have you considered stand-up comedy? I'm more of a lower in the background kind of guy. Well, why don't you do a song like that then, you son of a bitch?

Everybody's heard about the bird. What about Swing Low, Sweet Chariot? I can do that. I got a bass too. It goes, swing low, sweet chariot. Very impressive. Your turn. Mama gotta carry me home.

Wow, there it is. Swing low. Are you talking about your massive cock right now? Swing low. I love it, Colin. Well, you're a man of few talents. But that's what being 21 is all about, I guess. You're figuring it out, and the first path to that is getting your ass out of Wyoming

and here in a beautiful beautiful place like Los Angeles California so welcome my friend and maybe sign up again and we'll figure out more about you we'll get updates on you there goes Colin Heaton Colin

David 185 you can also follow his Massive cock on Snapchat God damn that saxophone sounds good That's a big one tonight What is with you today That's a Colin size saxophone right there My saxophone has porn star energy.

It does. It really does. It also has the voice of a choir as well. Make some noise for Mohammed Aslam. Is this a real name? Either that or someone's about to... There's a terrorist attack about to happen. Here we go.

Wow, this is exciting. This is this guy's first time. I would remember him if we've seen him before. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen, Mohamed Aslam. Thank you so much. Thanks. How was Black Friday? It's a little late. That's okay. The reason I mentioned it, I just got this and these. I went to a store. I'm not going to say the name. It was Macy's. But I walked away without paying.

But God punished me when I was waiting for the bus. I was trying to get on the bus and they threw me out of the bus. They said, you are supposed to let us go first. So I fell at the bus stop and I was there for four hours. I couldn't move. And then there was a homeless guy, and we exchanged some Budweiser. So I stayed there. Really, it was nice, not bad.

I stayed there for a couple of days. So I'm planning to move there soon. So hopefully I'll have my podcast from there. It's Alvarado and... Yeah, oh. Wow, Mohammed Aslam. Wow. Wow, this is incredible.

By far my new favorite comedian of 2020. This is mind-boggling. Thank you, thank you. I appreciate it. I wish I was coming so I could have a haircut. No, you look great, dude. I've always wanted an Indian Joe Pesci on this show. This is very, very exciting.

Yeah, they call me Brad Pitt. I have to bleach my hair. Really? They call you Brad Pitt. I have to bleach my hair. Really? They call you Brad Pitt? In India? Yes. They call you Brad Pitt? Yes. My God. Wow. You look like Brad Armpit, dude. My goodness gracious.

Can you see me? The last guy had porn star energy. You got hardcore Uber driver energy. You've never used a GPS before. The last guy had porn star energy. You got hardcore Uber driver energy. Yeah, dude. You've never used a GPS before. You just use your instincts. Yeah, the last guy could use your beanie as a condom, dude. You also look a little bit like a fisherman,

like an old crab fisherman. And also like kind of one of Santa's elves in a weird way. Yeah, right. You got it all. I didn't know he had an elf named Muhammad. Yeah. Gandhi, he was Santa. Is that right? He's my grandfather.

Really. He's my grandfather. Gandhi-ji. Namaste. Wow. That's believable on this show. We actually probably believe you, most of the listeners.

So welcome, welcome, Muhammad. Don't be afraid. That's just a normal white guy. He's not going to kick you out or anything. Oh, he should be afraid. It's a big saxophone. It is. That is a big saxophone. You are right, Mohammed. So you're from India? Yes, sir.

And how long have you been in America? I came here in 91. 91. 28 years. Very good. Absolutely. The math works out. Don't worry. Again, we're not going to deport you today. So 28 years. What have you been doing this whole time? I'm a nurse.

Yeah? But I think I was born to be a comedian. I want to be next Mr. Moshe. You want to be the next me? Why me? Mr. Moshe? Is that what you said? You want to be the next Mr. Moshe?

And you. Oh, it's okay. No, I like that. I wasn't offended. I just like the way... I'm going to start calling you that. Mr. Moshe. I love it.

How long have you been doing comedy? Three months. Three months. Yes. You've been doing open mics and whatnot? Yes, sir. And do you really ride the bus? I do.

Do you ride on top of it or inside of it? Sometimes. Sometimes carry it. really ride the bus? I do. Do you ride on top of it or inside of it? Sometime carry on. Is that the sound of your bus? I have a Mercedes back home. I'm Brad Pitt from India. Oh, Brad Pitt from India. No, let me clear

it to everybody. The reason I take the bus is because they say if you ride the bus, you can find the best material. Uh-huh. Comedy. I see. So what you're doing is you're explaining to the audience who you assumed would absolutely not believe that a man in that outfit were riding the bus. He's like, I know this is going to blow your mind, but I'm a bus driver. You do have interesting style for an Indian Brad Pitt.

Do you have a stylist or is this your own sort of get up yourself? You came up with this? Yeah. I'm like that. Why do I feel like you have a closet filled with all the same outfits? This is your Batman.

I have the black and the gray. That's it. Right. Absolutely. I love it. Not only are you the Brad Pitt of India, you're also their Dave Attell. You're like Dave Attell of Eve or something like that. Thank you. What kind of nurse are you?

I do all kind of nursing. I'm the kind that kills patients, Moshe. Mostly ER. Yeah. Really? Yes. My goodness gracious. Really? Yes. My goodness gracious. That is impressive. Now, do you have to have something?

Do you have to go to school for that, or are you just Indian, and they just let you be a doctor here in America? Yeah, I did over there. I made a phony certificate that I have PhD. Oh, I see. I see. No, that didn't. I hope there are not people

from nursing licenses. No, I like it. Very good. Very good. So, Mohamed, you have a family? No, I'm divorced. Wow, that was harsh. No, I don't. I'm divorced. Nada. Zero.

No kids, though? No. Why did you get divorced? What happened? She said I eat pizza too slow. I'm passive aggressive. I told her it burns my... If I eat fast. She was a social worker.

She was a sushi maker? No, social worker. Social worker. Sushi maker. What were you eating? Monkey brain soup? Oh, come on. Bread man. What were you eating? Monkey brain soup? Oh, come on. We're at ban.

He wasn't eating monkey brain soup. Did you just confess to getting a divorce over pizza? She did, yes. Wow. Should have had Vito's. Yeah. There were one other thing, but I can't say. One other thing.

It was the pizza, and also she found me with an underage prostitute, but I can't. She wanted sex every night. I couldn't do it. My knees are hurting. Your knees hurt? Oh, my goodness. And that's what I'm there for. My goodness.

How would you have sex with her? Slum doggy style? No. Yeah, a little bit. It's me, everyone. It's me, everyone. It's me, everyone. It's okay. The internet will laugh harder than this audience.

I got her an iPad. Yeah, would you have sex with her in casinos? Wait, what? Sure. Why would he have sex with her in casinos? I'll have sex with her anywhere because I needed a green card. Oh, so this was an American girl. Yes.

Was she bigger? Was she heavyset? Someone showed me this new show, 90 Day Fiance. She's the best, right? Let me tell you something. I've been watching it. You see these people that are getting married for green cards, and it is hilarious. The person that looks like you would be matched up with someone

that looks like the opposite of you. So was it a massive white woman or a massive black woman? Did she look like Aphrodite? I saw him worshiping Aphrodite earlier because he thought he saw a cow. Oh, milk man. I thought you were a nice guy.

I am. I love cows. I get it. I thought you were a nice guy. I am. I love cows. I'm scared of cows. Let me put it this way. We didn't need a mattress. You just slept on top of her like a little baby koala. That's it. Look at you. You are adorable.

You are just a sweet thing. He looks like the koalas after the fire. Little Toasty. Joelberg is here. And the chants have begun. Thank you. Thank you, sir. Do you have any other special skills or talents? Yeah, he's a house elf. He helps out Harry Potter,

right? Anything else that you do for fun or hobbies, something that would surprise us? You know, any magic tricks or you can sing a song or something like that? No. All I think is comedy. All you think is comedy. That's it. That's my life. Oh, yeah. You're about this business, huh, son? Fuck yeah. Comedy in these streets, bitch. Right. These buses. Oh, these buses. Right in the tip of the microphone. Yeah. I ride these buses right in the tip of the microphone yeah I ride these buses just to get the material

yeah I get thrown Budweiser is not too bad you don't have to pay the rent and stuff you only know a few key comedy words don't you Budweiser kills once yeah no it's good

so you're riding the bus you're doing spots at night this is exciting stuff Budweiser kills once yeah no it's good wow so you're riding the bus you're doing spots at night this is exciting stuff you're only a few months in how old are you Mohamed? I am 59

59 aren't you adorable thanks there you are you're single and you're starting to do the thing that gives you the most joy

which is stand up comedy in front of real audiences thank you so much Mohamed Mohamed have you performed in front of an audience this big before? No. No?

I'm going to die. Do you have a phone call, 911? No, no, we can't do that. Call the big one. No dying at the Comedy Store, Mohamed. He's from India. An open mic is this size where he comes from. Yeah, it's like a straw.

There's a lot of people in India, I guess is what I'm trying to say. An open mic there is like a straw. A lot of people in India I guess a lot of people is the goal of yours to go back to India and perform sometime no I don't want to go there anybody from India no one's from India here this is America this is the greatest country on the planet I don't want to go back they use too much curry masala my cousin he visited

me on Thanksgiving and he ate everything. He put curry masala. When I woke up, I had fart-induced brain damage. Oh my God. This side doesn't work. When's the last time you took that hat off until tonight?

I've heard of hat hair before, but that is fucking, that is something else. That looks like one of those abandoned dogs that like found under a house. In the arms of an angel. Oh my god, he's combing it out. Oh my god,

is that Brad Pitt? Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time is Kill Tony debut. Please come back. Mohamed Aslam, everybody. Thank you. Mohamed Aslam, everyone. Living his dream

here on Kill Tony where anything can happen. Absolutely, Mohamed. Definitely, buddy. There you go. Okay, let's shake hands. Definitely, buddy. There you go. Okay, let's shake hands. You got it. There you go. You gave me the old Indian handshake there. The old grab you by the side

of the hand. The old how do you do? You guys having fun out there? Alright. No shit. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Gareth. You guys having fun out there? Alright No shit Put your hands together for your next comedian, Gareth Is Gareth here? Just one word, Gareth?

That's interesting Uh oh, here he comes everybody It's a real human Oh that way Gareth Go back that way It's dream. Dream, dream, dream. Here he is.

One more time for Gareth, everybody. Come on. Hello, everybody. All right. Let me spin around this. There we go. Well, thank you very much. It's great to be here in all the best parts of entertainment.

We've got most of a band. We've got morning radio sound effects. Sometimes a full band, when a toy kazoo comes from the ground, raises from the grave, takes over Tony and starts singing. It's a wonderful time. I think he froze. So back to popular. so over the summer Trump yanked all the troops out of Syria right and then ISIS got loose they're knocking on doors running away or something like that I don't know really how it works and I thought he should have asked Tony

that is a bad idea because he has broke the bank relying on the pull out method quickest coming comedian in comedy anyway so I have bad news for the people for the entertainers over there I have bad news for the entertainers over there the best day of your career is going to be the days after you die when uh like paintings skyrocket and price can I continue can I it's close it's okay go ahead painting skyrocketting Skyrocket and Price. Redbox starts holding some movie from 1962.

But what about the porn talent? What happens with them? Is it just Red Band at home singing, She was so underappreciated in her time! All right. All right. There you go, Gareth. You did it.

Doing the age old Broken method of Trying to roast the people That the audience Is here to see That's good How do you feel Gareth? Shaky Shaky?

Is this your first time On a stage? On a real stage Yeah yeah Yeah What other kind of stage Have you been on? Like when there's like

Five comedians I wish it was stage four Gareth Gareth Gareth Gareth There's like five comedians. I wish it was stage four. Gareth. Gareth, Gareth, Gareth. So you try to do jokes about us, and that never really works. It wasn't my original plan. I was just writing normal jokes, and then it kept twisting easily into just stupid roasts, and I figured you guys are roast people, so I thought I'd try it out.

How did it go? I don't know. It doesn't sound that good. No. No, it doesn't, Gareth. No did it go? I don't know. Doesn't sound like good. No. No, it doesn't, Garrett. No, it doesn't. So you just started stand-up comedy? I've been writing a lot for about two or three years,

but I've barely ever tried to get on actual stage. When you say barely ever, what do you mean? You've done a couple open mics, or this is your first? Or it's like a couple comedians that try themselves like a year ago, but other than that, nothing. How come? Because it went like that? comedians that tried themselves like a year ago, but other than that, nothing. How come? Because it went like that? Busy, yeah.

No, no. I'd say a mix of good and bad on the other ones. Right. What do you do for work? Software engineer. Uh-huh. And how old are you? I'm 41.

Yeah. What are your hobbies? What are things about you in your real life? Things I do? I like to build stuff. Like I'm a work-on-my-hands kind of guy. Or projects. Always trying to think of, like, a cool invention. That kind of thing.

Or traveling. Like what? What have you come up with? What are some of your inventions? Nothing successful. Right now I'm trying to figure out a... How to have the worst Kill Tony set ever? If you build it.

I miss that. The horse of truth has arrived. Like, right now I'm trying to figure out a water conservation project. Let me tell you something. There's no way you're going to be that guy. No? You're not going to. No, I'm kidding.

Just give up on that. Yeah. You're right. No. Get a filter for your washer or, you know, your shower head so you don't use as much water. That's about it. There you go. Red Band just solved it, everybody. That's exactly how it works. as much water. That's about it. There you go. Red Band just solved it, everybody.

That's exactly how it works. Use less water. Why are you a one-name comedian? Oh, my last name's Long, so I just didn't bother. My last name's Purse House. It's too long to write. What is it? Purse House.

Purse House? Wow. Too long to write, huh? It's two words we all know. Wow. Too long to write, huh? It's two words we all know. Wow. It sounds like a drag club. A drag club. Purse house.

So that's interesting. You have a girlfriend? No, but I'm here with a way too hot date. Oh, wow. Not anymore! She's gone. She's gone, Gareth. She's fucking Mohammed in the back of the room right now.

We can all see her. No, she's gone. She's fucking Indian Brad Pitt. All she heard was Brad Pitt. She's wasted right now. She's just taking it. Uh, that's fun. Gareth, so how do you get a chick that's way too hot for you?

How does that work out? Luck Do you only have your height on your dating profile? Yeah, that's it It's just Everything else, it starts to drop off fast I mean, you're handsome Yeah, he's a good looking guy

It's helpful Yeah, in a retarded team leader at Target kind of way. I love it. It looks like if Clark Kent went into a phone booth just to call his grandmother. I have Superman'd for Halloween a couple of times. Duh. And that's exactly what I get every time. Like, no shit.

Shut up. Derek up I'm drunk I swear to god send me drinks everybody The whole unit gets defensive When people take shots with their 60 seconds Yeah I know I like what you guys do I just thought it would be fun You're a fan of the show you ever watch it or listen to it Yeah I've come here a couple times

But of course I cut up here the date Like give us an example of a joke you were going to say before we all lost respect for you. Oh, shit. Just do one normal joke. I don't have everything. Your best joke. My best?

Yeah, I don't have a lot of stuff. Come on. You have one fucking joke that doesn't have to do with me or Red Band or whatever. I had one today where I've been told by, I was talking to an ex from a long time ago, and she told me that before. Talking to a by, I was talking to an ex from a long time ago, and she told me that before. Talking to a what?

I was talking to an ex, and she told me that when we first met, she thought my personality meant I had a small dick. And then I talked to another ex, and she told me the same exact thing. And I just want to make it perfectly clear right now that my dick size is private. Wow.

What a wild swing you took on. Don't boo him. What a wild. I don't have any memory. What a wild swing you took bringing up hot date for the first time to this. Just like I hope I'm any good at stand up comedy. She's a real hot date now because she just lit herself on fire in the corner there. I can see the hottest date, dude.

Well, I'm really glad you came up here because I didn't think it was possible for me to hate a man as much as I hate my husband. Well, Gareth, you know, you gave it a shot. I would love to see you come back sometime if this is something that you actually think that you might enjoy doing when it goes well.

I write literally constantly. I just don't memorize it. Right. I'm pretty sure the first kid to use the phrase, way to go Einstein, was a bully on the playground. Way to go Einstein was a bully on the playground. But why? But why? Why would that bully? Oh, yeah. A bully on the playground in 1880. Okay. That's so important to the joke.

Yeah, it didn't work. It didn't work. I mean, I don't think it would have made it work, but it would have made it make sense. I would say that joke is 2% there. Hey, milk man. All right. There goes Gareth, everybody. We're going to keep moving.

There goes Gareth. There we go. You got to be careful up here we go. You got to be careful up here, people. You got to be careful. This is not a game. This is not a joke. I want to see

his date. Let's hope he hangs himself so we can say, way to go, Epstein. Where's he going, dude? You leaving your hot date? He just shit his pants up here. He's going to the restroom. Where's he going, dude? You leaving your hot date? He just shit his pants up here. He's going to the restroom. That's a fucking talent agent from CAA who just signed him.

Congratulations, Garrett. Wow. Incredible. Dreams do come true here at Kill Tony. It's that easy. Pulling a name out of the bucket. I actually know this young man. He's been on the show a couple times, all shows on the road,

because he just moved to Los Angeles two weeks ago from Kansas City. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Trey Thompson, everyone. Here he is. Look at this guy. He's been on shows in Kansas or Omaha or something like that, and he's here now in Los Angeles. This is a

new home. It's Trey Thompson. One more time for Trey, everybody. I don't like dancing. If you watch me fuck, you'll see how I dance. Against my will. People give me shit for wearing a hat backwards, but I wear a hat like I wear

sunglasses for its function. If the sun's not in my eyes, the visor's not going to be in my field of view. Plus, every time I put my hat on backwards, I get so much pussy. I almost lost my job as a lifeguard. I learned from the movie Waterworld, if you see someone struggling in the water,

you have to punch them in the face to save them. But instead of knocking them out, I just broke their nose, and they drowned. Oddly enough, they didn't fire me for that, though. They just wouldn't let me teach the kids swimming class anymore. I'm in boxing now, because I found out I can't KO a five-year-old. I'll end it with this.

We're not... There you go. Trey Thompson, everybody. Very rarely... Very rarely is there a gigantic seven-year-old that can get into the 21 and over comedy store.

But somehow Trey manages to do it. Yeah, you look like all the stoners came together to make a super stoner. Yeah. You look like you switched bodies with Tom Hanks in the movie Big. Did you go to Zoltar?

All right. He looks like one of those gays at the hardware store. Wait a second. What do you mean a gay at the hardware store, Milkman? Not in my town. Wow. So, Trey, welcome back. You've been on shows before on the road, right?

What cities were those in? Houston, Austin, Lawrence, and Des Moines. Wow. So you've had quite a few appearances. I've been to a lot more, but I didn't get up in the other ones. This is your first one at the Comedy Store. And you just moved to Los Angeles a couple weeks ago. New Year's Eve, yeah. Right. And what's

your job situation or living situation? Still looking for a job. Still looking for a job. I got lucky and got a spot that I'm living at. Yeah, what's that like? Roommates? Yeah, roommate. One roommate? Yeah. In a two bedroom? One bedroom? One bedroom. I live in the living room. You're in the living room. I just got

a room divider today, so I'm pretty... Wow, all the living room I just got a room divider today Wow all the pussies just got wet That's awesome You are the first guy to live In a living room though I need a drink Somebody send me A fucking drink right now I'm serious

There you go So Trey what kind of job are you looking for I had some Delivery driver jobs lined up But my car blew up halfway here There you go. So, Trey, what kind of job are you looking for? I had some delivery driver jobs lined up, but my car blew up halfway here. Oh. So that all fell apart. What city did your car break down in? The middle of Iowa.

Or not Iowa, sorry. Utah. Is it gone forever? Transmission, $6,000 repair. It's not worth it. What was that like being broken down on the side of a road in Utah? I thought I was going to die. I had no signal on my phone. I bought a backup track phone that had signal and called AAA.

Did you turn your hat all the way forward so that no one would rape you? Since you get all the pussy when it goes backwards? Does it work that way? No. Okie dokie. Was there a part of you that thought maybe moving to LA was a bad idea when your car exploded? No.

Like it was a sign? If I didn't move, my car would have exploded in Kansas City and I wouldn't have been able to move out here. I buy that. Wow.

So I'm kind of glad it happened when it happened. How did you get the rest out here? I rented a car and realized I should have just flown because it cost me $405.

Oh yeah. And you realized that you should have just flown? Yeah. Because it cost you $405. It would yeah. And you realize that you should have just flown? Yeah. Because it cost you $405. It would have been like $350 to fly from St. George. Right, and it's totally free to check all the bags

with your entire life in them. How many bags do you have? I had a TV, I had a computer, so I had to rent a car. Yeah, exactly. You still have the TV and the computer? You say you have. They also passed away on the trip out here. I got all the essentials.

Yeah, so essential. What kind of computer are we talking about? You brought an actual computer? It's like a desktop. I built it for cheaper. You built it? Yeah. Jeez.

Wait, you can't believe that guy can build a desktop computer? My goodness. Have you met another genius by the name of Gareth over there? He's a software engineer. Are you the hot date that he brought with him? I wish. That guy was way too good looking to be straight. You guys look like a before and after for being a software engineer.

So, Trey, you have any special skills, talents, hobbies, anything like that? Is there anything interesting about you? You're about to give a hard no on this. I podcast and I play poker. Wow. I haven't been able to play poker here because I'm broke. Right. Yeah. Why would you be able to play poker?

If you were good at poker, wouldn't you have money to play poker? I play poker, but only with other people's wives. Hey, milk man. You son of a bitch. Interesting, interesting. So Trey, have you been with a woman since being here in Los Angeles? Why don't we not give it a timeline?

Have you been with a woman? July 12th. That just felt like an unfair question to give it a date. I think so. You are the opposite of Colin, by the way. This is the opposite of porn star energy. So I got you You are the opposite of Colin, by the way. This is the opposite of porn star energy. So I got you having a dick

eight times too small for your body. Tony, this guy's great and all, but I want to interview the kid whose shoulders this guy's sitting on right now.

Joelberg. Wow. That's hilarious. So, you haven't been with a woman since being here in L.A. Have you kissed a girl since being in Los Angeles? Really? Not one? Not a single girl? Don't embarrass me by...

You know what I think we should do, everybody? I think we should see this guy get his first ever kiss in Los Angeles. Am I right? Wow. Is there a woman out there? Is there a Kill Tony fan gracious enough to... Is there a blind woman out there that would like to...

Is there someone from the audience willing to do this? She's so cute, too. Is there anyone from the audience willing to do this? Oh, is that a person? It's a comedian, but I guess if no one else... You'll do it? Come on!

I think she said no. I'll do it. No. Oh, my goodness. Look how hot this chick is, Trey. That's Garrett's date. Wow. I haven't kissed anyone in a while.

She threw her jacket. This is incredible. Dreams come true. Trey Thompson. She said, get on your knees. Get on your knees, boy. His first ever L.A. kiss. Get on your knees.

There you go. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. There's cum all over the front of his pants right now. That's not fair. Wow.

That is not fair. Oh, that is very fair, Redman. You stop it. Right in the mouth right away. That's not fair. Wow. That is not fair. Oh, that is very fair, Redman. You stop it. Right in the mouth right away. Oh, yeah. Holy shit. He just goes, she kissed me right on the mouth right away. No, I said tongue in the mouth right away. Yeah, no shit. You faggot. Amazing.

Put her tongue in my mouth right away. Oh, my God. She was so hot. How are you a second grader on the inside, too? She put her tongue in my mouth right away. That was so crazy on so many levels. First of all, she was so hot. Second of all, that she time traveled.

That's Brigitte Nielsen at her peak, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable. Yeah, dude. And she fights Rocky next week, dude. That is incredible. How loud can this place get for that hot young lady over there? Thank you. That is what it is all about.

Real Kill Tony spirit and fandom. That was amazing. Lucky. The only thing cooler than the girls that come up here and do that for that segment is the only thing cooler is when they're ridiculously hot and that might just be what a twist for your little tiny fucking baby head to get kissed by a real woman

and look you just don't even know what to do my favorite part was when he decided he was falling in love immediately and he went hold on we gotta see this is the spot we got to mark. I want a slow motion of this part. Because at one point he goes and he tries,

as he's falling in love, he grabs the side of her head with both hands and she's like, no. You literally were like, I hope this never ends. That was amazing. It's funny, I kind of liked you before that, but while it was happening, I began to hate you. It was interesting. I know.

I got angry. It is incredible. I agree. It is incredible. Thank you for that, by the way. Oh, wow. I thought I was going to embarrass you, you piece of shit. It was still embarrassing, but thank you.

No. It was embarrassing for her, not for you. One more time for Trey Thompson, everybody. There he goes. It's my favorite thing to turn around and see the guest having as much fun as Moshe's having right now. I had a lot of emotions during that kiss. Jealousy, anger, arousal, ejaculation. Is that an

emotion? I don't know. I want to interview that girl. Don't you want to know what she does for a living? No, Brian. No. No one wants to be on your dirty podcast. God, you are. You guys want to do it all at the same time? One, two, three. Trashcan.

Wow, I can't believe the whole audience knows about this. She's an artist, I can tell. Yeah, okay, Brian. There you go. Why don't you just stop being forensic-file-y over there and just let the moment go. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for your next comedian.

Looks like a new name. Matthew Swider. Matthew Swider. Hey. Won't you be mine? Here he comes, everybody. It's Matthew Swider. One more time for Matthew, everyone. Howdy.

So I'm going to open with something a little controversial. I'm down with the LGBTQ community. I got love for everybody, but I can't handle it when people take their kids to a Pride 5K. It's bad enough you got kids promoting anal and all that stuff, but I can't condone running with scissors. Does anybody in here speak sign language? Anyone? No? Do you guys know sign language is the most offensive language there is? So this is the sign for white. Yeah, so all the whites are retards. All right? This is the sign for black. Like you see that guy over there? That guy over there. That one. Keep an eye on that guy over there. This is a sign for Asian. This is a sign for, I swear to God, all this is true, right?

This is a sign for Asian. Anybody know what this is? No, it's a sign for Matthew Swider. Pleasure to meet you. There you go. Exactly a minute. There you go. Matthew Swider, everybody.

So welcome to the show, Matthew. This is your first time on. Shaking the hand of the milkman. He doesn't know what a pound is. He's old. Yeah. Well, something like that. He's from a different time.

I wish my wife would lose a pound. His haircut and shoes are from my time. Oh. Matthew, welcome to the show. This is your first time on. There you go. That's the spot. Welcome, welcome. You've been doing comedy a while?

So this is my first time back in like three months. Okay. And before that I started in April of last year. Alright, cool. April of last year. So a couple months. I've been on stage maybe 20 times. Why'd you take a few months off? So I was

kind of depressed. I got arrested and my dog was taken from me. I was accused of animal cruelty. You were accused of animal cruelty? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. I thought a guy as white as you, the cops immediately let them go. I can't believe you got arrested.

So I was in Santa Barbara. I was at the beach. I left the beach. I went down the road. My dog ate a charger cable in my car, and I spanked him. A girl heard him yelp and then called the police. The police arrested me, and literally just last Wednesday, I was awarded my dog back.

So I've been cleared. Hey, look at that. My goodness gracious. Some mixed reaction from the crowd. Sometimes the legal system works. What kind of dog is this? It's a wiener dog. Oh, my God. You smacked a wiener dog?

Son of a bitch. How many of you think we should go save this dog right now, huh? No, look. I was cleared of wrongdoing. We can't get your dog from you. I was cleared of wrongdoing. I didn't do anything. So was OJ, to be fair.

Look, dude. Look, there isn't a man in here that doesn't spank his wiener, all right? So give me a break. Wait a second. Was that all set up for that bad joke? No, it wasn't. No, no. Wait, I'm just confused.

You spanked him hard enough to make him scream? No, he just, he was a, he's four months old. Did he scream like a human being? He's four months old. Was he like, oh, fuck! No. Wait, he's four months old? Four months old, and I just, I literally, I spanked him like a couple times.

How many times? Three. Three times? Swear to God. Swear to God? Swear to God. Swear to dog? Swear to dog.

All right. Yeah, no, look, dude, I've grown up with animals in my house my whole life. I've never heard an animal. I would never have heard an animal. Let's check in with the great Jesse Johnson. To be fair, he just stayed at phone chargers, so the dog was at 100% battery. Very good.

I fucking hate my wife, and she's so much funnier than you, dude. You suck. Oh. I do have a bit of bad news for you. Can you show me the sign for white? Can you show me the sign you were doing for white? I couldn't see you.

That's not the sign for white, unfortunately. I think it's this. Yeah, that's right. Oh, you modified it to make it more retarded? Yeah. Okay. That's pretty funny. He's like, no, this won't do.

Exactly. Where are you from,, this won't do. Exactly. Where are you from, if you don't mind me asking? Oh, good question. Bill Billingsley asking you where you're from. Where am I from? Marina Del Rey originally, as a matter of fact. Wow. And then I went to high school in Pennsylvania.

Because you look like if Pee Wee's Big Adventure was to the Jersey Shore. There you go. Absolutely. I actually just wore the jacket to cover the tattoos because they're distracting. Really? Yeah, they're distracting on stage. Let's see those tats, bro. Come on.

Take it off, dude. Oh, my goodness. You got a real. Oh, shit. Oh, whoa. A swastika. Oh, no. It's incredible. What the hell? It's not a swastika. It's an anarchy sign. Oh, he's got tits on you, shit. Oh, whoa, a swastika. Oh, no. It's incredible.

What the hell? It's not a swastika. It's an anarchy sign. Oh, he's got tits on you, though. It was going to be a swastika no matter what it was. It has tits. Oh, who's that girl? Who's that chick? Is that the girl that just kissed that guy?

No, no, no. Okay. So I got the stomach tattoo when I was like 18, and the girl just happened to be in Playboy that month, so I don't know her. But then coincidentally, a couple years later, I dated a girl with the same name. Wait, you opened a Playboy

and then immediately got her tattooed on your stomach? Well, like, when you get naked... I think you need to have that dog taken away from you, 100%. Oh, my goodness. I'm scared. So, like, I worked in a tattoo shop and when you work in a tattoo shop, you get talked into dumb tattoos when you're young.

Let me ask you this. Have you noticed, since you chose Playboy... This is a good quality tattoo. A random tattoo out of a Playboy, have you noticed that sometimes when you take your shirt off, random guys start jerking off near you? Oh, shit. Okay, so check this out.

I got arrested in Phoenix once, and, like... No, no, no, it's not what you think. It was a chihuahua. It was a chihuahua. It's not what you think. It was myihuahua it was a chihuahua it's not what you think it was my kid's mom no i'm just kidding um so what happened what happened in phoenix keep it keep it going um so i got arrested in phoenix and i was in there for like three days they put me in a in like a general pop cell which is like a general pop like you even use the lingo dude you're a fucking criminal born in the beach. You went to high school in Pennsylvania

and you fucking hit the streets, didn't you? No, no, no. Okay, so you were in general. So yeah, I was in jail and a guy asked. All different races of people. It was horrifying. Yeah. A guy asked if he could draw my tattoo while I was in jail.

Oh, hell yeah. You were in general pop for three days already getting butt fucked. You know what I'm saying? Hey, yo, dude, let me draw on you or else it's gonna be fucking shower time, bro. Not my gig. Not my gig. Hell yeah. Your gig is not to be raped in prison? No. That's not your gig. Okay.

Yeah. I'm trying to make somebody laugh. You seem like a clean guy. You seem like you'd pick up the soap right after you dropped it. I have a joke about soap. You seem like you'd pick up the soap right after you dropped it. I have a joke about soap. You seem like you would take your own soap into prison with you. With a pumper or something like that. Alright, Matthew. You're the only guy

in prison with Dr. Bronner's. Fuck! Wow, Joel fading fast everybody. Can we get an IV drip for Bill Billingsley? By the way, the girl that kissed that guy bought me a shot. Thank you so much. Matthew, one question.

When you got arrested in Phoenix in three days in General Pop, what did you do there? What did you get arrested for there? We didn't even ask you. So I broke someone's cell phone. You broke someone's cell phone. What is it with you and cell phones? Yeah, dude.

That's so interesting. What was the other thing? The dog ate the charger. Charger? You got arrested? Yeah. Charger came on him interesting. What was the other thing? The dog ate the charger. Charger. You got arrested. Yeah. Charger came on him. Have you been arrested other times?

Yeah, I got arrested for growing pot in Vegas in 2011. Wow. Oh, the devil's lettuce. What's up? Wow. Yeah. So you broke whose cell phone did you break? A girl.

Yeah, I just threw it. A girl you were dating? No. A girl you were on a date with? No, no, no. Just a random girl you didn't know? She resembled a wiener dog, so he was mad as fuck. So she punched a friend of mine.

We were walking out of the club. This was in Phoenix, like I said. We were walking out of the club, and she punched a friend of mine, and her phone fell on the ground. I threw the phone. The cops saw me throw the phone I said. Yeah. We were walking out of a club, and she punched a friend of mine, and her phone fell on the ground. I threw the phone. The cops saw me throw the phone. Oh. Yeah.

Wow. Look at that. It's always not your fault. Yeah. No, it was totally my fault. No, I threw the fucking phone. Whether it was smoke and fire or nothing. Right.

Destruction of property. And they got you for it. But I didn't like... It wasn't a fire. Three days, huh? Because it happened on a Friday or something like that? No, no, no. That, well, yeah, yeah.

It was like a Tuesday or some shit. I don't even remember what week. Tuesday. So no one bailed you out? You had to spend three days in general pop, dude? Don't you have anybody that loves you? Had nobody to bail me out, yeah. It was what it was.

I was only 21 at the time. No family in town. All right. Matthew, any special skills or talents or anything like that? You seem like the kind of kid that had a little magic kit growing up or something like that. You know how to make shit disappear or something? You have like a bunch of rope you could pull out of one of your tattoos or something? I can snap my fingers close to world record speed.

Let's fucking see it. Amazing. Wow, this is incredible. He's a near competitor at world record speed for snapping fingers. In six and a half years, we've never had someone say they could snap fast. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Matthew Swider, the fastest snapper in the West. Oh, my God. Wow.

Oh, my God. Wow. Oh, snap. So, look, if you look up the world record holder, like, you got to put a mic to it. This is one of those moments where ultra-competitive Jeremiah Watkins is insistent that he can snap faster than you. I've only seen this before in things that he actually ends up doing faster than other people I've only seen this before in things that he actually ends up doing faster than other people. He's positive.

He gets... This is the dumbest thing in the history of this show. This is unbelievable. You're not even snapping anymore, Milkman. Welcome back to white people shit. Yeah, it's unbelievable. You're not even snapping anymore, Milkman. Welcome back to white people shit. Yeah, it's unbelievable.

Matthew, step back up to that microphone. How did you know that you even had this talent? How does this happen? I mean, you get bored on YouTube. You end up watching some Ripley's Believe It or Not in 2001. And then you realize that you can snap. Now, have you

had a snap contest against somebody? Do they have these events somewhere, perhaps at Charlottesville or something like that? No, no. Wow. I'm not going to lie, but my fingers got tired very quickly. Yeah, so it's a technique of using two, like getting. Wow. Look at that.

I couldn't give a fuck less, dude. You got Red Band trying now. There's dirt flying out from underneath his fingernails. Cheeto does. But no, you can find this online. There is a Guinness World Record. Oh, I can? Boy, tell me where right away.

Well, that sounds like some good, wholesome fun to me. Well, everyone knows where online is. It's in your pocket. Okay. I don't get it. Why is online in my pocket? All right. I would pull out my phone, but I don't want you to get arrested, Matthew.

He's on Instagram at Million Star Motel. It's his Kill Tony debut. Matthew Swider, everybody. Come on. That was fun, everybody. Come on. That was fun, Matthew. Very fun. Hey, Brandon, is William right there? He is?

All right, we'll go back to the bucket right after William. We're going to start to slowly separate our regulars a little bit, but we're going to go with our first regular right now. You know him. You love him. A very controversial character. A lot of people say he leans on his devices during his stand-up comedy, that he found a rhythm and a tone and just repeats it every week.

Let's see what happens this week. It's the one and only William Montgomery, everybody. Here he is. Come on, guys. It's William Montgomery. Knock, knock. Ghostbusters. Ghostbusters. But seriously, how many of y'all

are voting for Bernie Sanders you are gonna love this next one if I were a cartel leader I'd approach the owners of Instagram and say hey we'd like to buy your app we're gonna take it in a different direction. We work for Bennigans. As y'all know, I'm from Memphis, so Martin Luther King means a lot to me. Without him, a lot of tour guides in Memphis wouldn't have a job. They'd be cooking for Bennigans.

A lot of people don't know this, but I had a close friend who died on 9-11. He's Muslim, and he ended up going up to the same heaven as the terrorist, and what he was saying to me is, those virgins aren't that hot. The virgins aren't that hot is what you said.

Aren't that hot. Right. How about William Montgomery, everybody? He has to write a brand new minute every week. That's not easy. Everybody else you've seen tonight, that's the best minute that they have in their life. And somehow William manages to pull out ahead every single week.

That was a great set, William. It is so nice to be here today. Oh, that's a perfect time to start talking. You really have the rhythmic fashion of this show down pat. The question and answer part. It is so nice to be here tonight. I got in a car crash

on Tuesday evening. This is true. He's telling a truth right now. This is crazy. My neck is finally feeling better. I saw 1917. It was all right. Who said that?

There you go. Just really throwing out. David Minervini, stop. So, William, let's talk about some more real life stuff for a second, shall we? Last week, we were graced the presence of a couple celebrities here at the Comedy Store and you seem really hell-bent on talking with them

and getting pictures with them and it has become an actual issue, hasn't it? I know, last night it was an issue, we were talking about it. Yeah, you and I were talking about it because I had to stop you from doing what? You want to tell the people what you almost did right before he went on stage? Yeah, you and I were talking about it because I had to stop you from doing what? You want to tell the people what you almost did right before he went on stage?

Yeah, last week. Wait, wait, wait. I wasn't done. Right before he went on stage? Not you, but the guy that you were about to bother? Go ahead. Tell the audience. It was Zach Galifianakis, everybody.

He's about to speak at one of his best friends, one of all of our best friends, the great Brody Stevens Memorial. And you found out that he was here. You got to shoot your shot, dog. I like that. I was backstage. I met him out front. I told him my two best jokes.

I started out with, I like it when my mom goes out of town because I get to sleep on her side of the bed. Yeah, we all know these ones. He laughed at that one, and then I yelled, I'm going to lose the fucking caboose. That is a train conductor with a gambling problem. And he laughed at that as well.

Yeah, yeah. He has to laugh. Wait, you're like a young rapper going up to Rap Legends. Like, I got bars. I got bars. I did, yeah. I went up with them with my two best jokes. What do you think might happen from that?

You think that maybe he would have you play him in a movie about his youth or something like that? I was in the hangover. There you go. There's Brody, everybody. Always depressing. Red Bean, why'd you do that? Anyway, so William, anything else happening in real life? How was the doctor?

You went to the doctor the other day. I have high cholesterol. Ah, the verdict is in. My goodness, this doctor must have at least one eye. It was an Armenian lady. I had to get naked. She was touching my penis and testicles. It was horribly awkward.

The nurse was in there. That's how Armenians test for cholesterol? Yes. It was horribly awkward. I was in there. I thought the Armenian test for cholesterol was getting an Uber ride and them looking at the imprint left on their back seat.

Okie dokie. It was an Uber Armenian joke, but we've covered those bases. But yeah, I have high cholesterol. She was asking me if I take creatine or protein because my liver readings were off. And I told her i just drink too much and she was like that makes sense what time do you usually start drinking every day it's seven days a week it depends on the day i told her i drink seven days a week i start at 3 30 p.m which isn't yeah which isn't... Yeah, which isn't...

How long do you think you're going to live for? I give myself to... I'll be 33 on Sunday, January 26th. I'll be 33. Oh, look at that. The crowd's going crazy. He ain't there yet, people. You might want to wait until he actually turns 33 to start clapping.

Why do you think you drink so much, William? Do you think there's an underlying reason for your drinking? I think I am horribly depressed. I think I don't know what's going on half the time. I work at a fucking self-storage unit place. Have you thought about talking to Zach Galifianakis? I could help. Last night I did.

He said you need to speak with someone. I text Zach. Okay. There you go. Alright, William. Alright, that's probably my best set. Y'all are lucky y'all are here tonight.

Probably my best one. What happened to the can I tell you something that I miss? I miss the getting the audience hyped with pandering local references. What happened to that? You don't like things that work? I was in Phoenix two weeks

ago. I got really sick. No, yeah. Tony, why didn't I start out with that tonight? Why not? Why didn't I start out with that tonight? Yeah. Why? Why didn't I start out?

William Montgomery, everybody. There he goes. Another fun update. William Montgomery. All right, we're going to the bucket. We got to keep them separated. That's, we're going to the bucket. We gotta keep them separated. That's what we're gonna do. We're gonna go with another regular

after this next bucket pool. But now, we go back to the bucket. So many people signing up. So much hope filling this room. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for your next comedian. Liam Sullivan, everyone. Liam Sullivan.

Here he comes. Yeah, it is. One more time. Liam Sullivan, everybody. Hey, guys. So it's 2020, right? You know, everything's automated. You got, like, in the bathrooms, the hands are the sensors.

You got the toilet sensors, except for the part where you put your hand to your ass we haven't kind of figured that one out yet I think the aliens would be upset I think AA meetings, like the AA part stands for

alien abductees and then everyone who goes to those meetings are just drinking constantly to deal with the trauma of being abducted by an alien. I saw this guy on the subway. He was blind and he had a shirt that said, I'm a shitty father.

And he was just like, just sitting there straight. All right, thanks. You're welcome. Liam Sullivan. Hello. Hi, Liam. How are you? This is your first time on the show?

First time on the show. First time signing up too, yeah. First time doing stand-up? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, actually, no, I did it once with my friends. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Just your friends and you doing jokes back and forth? Yeah, we do this. It's called the Krampus Comedy Night. Uh-huh. But we just get to... It's exclusive for us, though. We just get together and throw down. But it was the first year this year. How old are you?

22. 22? You got a real acid dealer in Connecticut year this year. How old are you? 22. 22? You've got a real acid dealer in Connecticut vibe to you. Yeah, dude. For sure. You look like Quentin Tarantino's illegitimate son. Once upon a time, you know? Hell yeah.

What's Krampus? It's the scary ghoul that- No, I mean, but why is that- I know who Krampus is. I'm Jewish. It started, it was an ongoing joke. Early in our days, when the movie came out, we got scared by that movie,

and we dressed up in, like, cloaks, and we wore a bunch of blankets, but it didn't turn into a comedy thing until... But who are we? That's what I'm trying to get to. Who is this clandestine group of white people that you tell jokes to? Oh, no, it's just

ever since we do something on Christmas every time and this year we decided to make... He just keeps saying we. Oh, my good friends. We go back. Where do you go back to? Where are you from? Early days in Toronto, Canada. Oh, Toronto. Those are those way too

excited to be here energies we're feeling. Hell yeah. The old Canadian voice crack going on here. You're Canadian. Yeah. Oh, that makes so much sense because you were like normal but off. I like that. Exactly. Yeah.

Right. Serious question. Where'd you get this wig? The band's always looking for costumes. You want a little? You guys got some pretty good ones. That's good. Very good.

Good question, Bill Billingsley. So Liam, tell us more about you. What have you been doing with your life up until this point? Bill Billingsley's getting mad. Bill Billingsley's getting mad at me back here. This ends up happening. No, Bill, don't do it. We're on

YouTube. You're not allowed to do that. Fuck YouTube! No, don't say that. I hate my wife and I'm fucking my secretary. All right, Bill. So Liam, what have you been doing with your life? Did you go to college? I did not go to college. I moved here on a U.S. work visa

to be an alien of extraordinary ability. Yeah, you know the title, yeah? As an actor, yeah. Okay, what's your extraordinary ability? I can shake my eyes. Snap your fingers really fast? I'm really good at shaking my eyes.

You what? You can shake your eyes? Is that true? When something's like really close to my face, I can like do a little like twirl. Really?

I can show it to you guys, but nothing would else, nothing would work for me. Well, you know what? Actually, Brandon, are you here? Or David Deary? Yeah, just go right

to that camera right there. We're gonna zoom in, but just wait until I give you, wait until I tell you. I'm gonna put a hand in front of my face as well. Go step closer go right to that camera right there. We're going to zoom in, but just wait until I give you. Wait until I tell you. I'm going to put a hand in front of my face as well. Go step closer to the camera. There you go. Just like that.

Look right into the lens. There you go. That's very good. Get closer, a little bit closer. Zoom in a little bit, Brandon. Yeah, that looks good right there. Yep, just like that. All right.

Do it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My babies! He just spilled milk. You're making me shake my eyes, man. I'm sorry, guys. Listen up, you asshole.

Nobody spills the milkman's milk. Jeremiah. This is chaos. Jeremiah. How dare you? This is chaos. Jeremiah, there's a rule. You're not supposed to cry over that.

Liam is genuinely. No, Liam. Liam, don't worry about the fucking milk. I'm not worrying about the milk. It's a joke. He's a comedian. He's not really – Liam looks so upset that he spilled this milk, people. There is no way that he can act this well. I can still shake my eyes, though. I can still do that.

Liam, look at the camera and shake your eyes. I actually know how to do this, too. I'm excited to see how good you are. No my eyes, though. I can still do that. Yes, Liam, look at the camera and shake your eyes. I actually know how to do this, too. I'm excited to see how good you are. What are you doing, Jeremiah? No, Jeremiah, no. Jeremiah, get back. This is his time. Get back.

All right, shake your eyes, Liam. Here we go. That's pretty good. Yeah. You can shake? Yeah, I can do that, too. I'm not going to do it, but I can do it. I'm a man of a few talents.

I bet you can. Liam, what did qualify you for the visa, for real? It was acting. Are you a famous actor in Canada? I did some theater. I wouldn't say famous, though. Oh, wow. Can you show us an example of a line that you've done in a movie? Can you show us a little

theater line? A little theater, yeah, yeah, yeah. Danny, can we maybe get a single spot on this? We have a thespian here. By the way, he fingered his asshole right now. That's how he gets in a character. It was experimental

theater, okay? He thought I said lesbian. Alright, there you go. Who just made that fucking noise? Not me. Billingsley, get your shit together. All right. Giving us a line.

What's this play or something? What's this from? Give us a good. It's from. Which one should I do? Is this from Homeo and Juliet? All right. We don't need John Mayer for this, Brian.

Brian thinks that's what theater is like. It's from Concord, Florida, about a bunch of teens chilling in an abandoned greenhouse. I don't know why I said that. Just go straight into the thing. Ladies and gentlemen, Liam Sullivan with a little bit of theater. So I was in the greenhouse, and he just said,

okay, pull your pants down, then I guess let's get this started. And then, so, the reality ensued, and there was a fox watching us the entire time. Wow. And the Tony Award goes to

Not You. You suck, dude. I wasn't facing to you. Liam, that may have been some of the worst acting I've ever seen in my entire life. Yeah, what the fuck was that? Andy spilled my milk!

You have a lot more milk. The context. What are you going to do with all this extra milk anyway? Are you going to drink it dude are you are you gonna drink the milk the breast of the band is shaking their head no but jeremiah has this look on his face like he wants to do something that he doesn't want to do a little known fact about the milk uh it was expired before it got here. You were sipping it.

I know. I saw you sipping it. I was sipping it because it's expired, so it's a lot of expired milk. All right. Well, there you go. Liam. But if you want me to drink it. No, don't do it.

No. No. No. Yeah. No. No. Yeah. No. You guys call yourselves fans of the show. These guys all put their hands up like that. You don't make a young man like Jeremiah drink expired milk.

Unless the whole room thinks he should, in which case... I mean... Nobody knows this song from Kings of Leon. Just because it's called Milk doesn't mean you should play it right. You guys are fucking animals, dude. Don't do this, Jeremiah. Don't. Don't do it, please.

Alright. This is a song from... Okay, lower this. If we get... This milk is older than Aphrodite. Oh, my God. What kind of milk... Oh, Jesus.

If you're going to do it, you got to do it fast. And he poured Comedy Store sink water into it to make it bigger or whatever. Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, it's going to be one of those. No, Jeremiah! Hey!

Yo! Yo! Go get a mop. Brandon David Deary go get fucking mops immediately wait hey Brigitte Nielsen come kiss Jeremiah we don't need paper towels Aphrodite please tell me David David Deary.

Go, David. Move, you son of a bitch. Jesus. The fucking crew of the show is laughing in the middle of the room. Thinking someone else is going to go get mobs. This is incredible. You puked out more than you drank. Yeah, that was incredible. What the fuck?

You should puke more out because he's going to get sick. That milk is old. How about, no he's not. The crowd's energy will pull him back. How about a hand for Jeremiah Watkins,

everybody? It's so funny. It's so funny. It's so funny. You on that camera. It's beautiful. All right. Just don't puke or spit up anymore. If you're going to do it.

All right. Okay. Danny, we don't need. No, Danny, don't. Okay. Yes, absolutely. We're at full shutdown right now the milkman cleaning up because David Deary decided to

laugh in the middle of the room oh wow one rag great great stuff Brandon great stuff there he is look at David Deary everybody here we are this amazing crew let's keep this fun train moving along how about one more time for Liam Sullivan who was an innocent victim up there

during all this. You know what's funny is we're going to, we're just going to make a couple edits to make it appear as though Jeremiah started uncontrollably vomiting at your acting, Liam. We're just going to lose the drank milk part.

That's what David Deary thinks is funny by the way. If you're wondering how do you become a producer that that's not on this show. It's thinking that the wacky old slipping on vomit. My friend has food poisoning right now. No he

doesn't Bill. Oh wow. I've never seen milk with pulp in it before. David did we get it. How's it going buddy. Are you giving Bill. Oh, wow. This is great. I've never seen milk with pulp in it before. David, did we get it? How's it going, buddy? Are you giving up? Are you okay? All right.

This is your fault, Bill. Is everything clean? No slip hazards? How does it look? No, there's not. There's no water. No, it's okay, guys. It's Hollywood magic, guys.

We don't need to know if there's water in the bucket. A dry mop. That's what we need. We don't need to know if there's water in the bucket. A dry mop, that's what we need. We filled the bucket with milk. Bless and fill with another great idea. Fill the bucket with milk. Jeremiah is recovering. Everything's good.

Why don't we bring up another regular, everybody? This is a man that knows a thing or two about spilling milk. He makes people laugh so hard that their drinks come out of multiple orifices of their body. He is so extremely funny, known for his incredible joke writing and unbelievable roasting skills. I present to you another one of our favorites and a regular who writes and performs a new minute every week. It's the one and only David Lucas, everyone. Here he is. David Lucas.

Here he is. David Lucas. Come on, one more time for David, everybody. Yeah. I'm glad they made the show You on Netflix so the rest of the world can see how crazy white men are. Like, y'all try to act like niggas is crazy,

but this nigga is through the roof. He stalking and killing bitches, you know? But white people been crazy a long-ass time. Y'all just used to hide that shit in y'all music. For real. Aerosmith, they were psychos. I can stay awake just to hear you breathing. Breathing.

Does that not sound like a crazy motherfucker? What bigger in they right mind would a stay awake to hear a crazy motherfucker? What bigger in they right mind would a stay awake to hear a bitch breathing? Maybe you can stay awake so you give me some pussy, but... Stay awake to hear you breathing, motherfucker. I feel like I've been going three minutes. Nope.

There we go. Exactly one minute right there. David Lucas, everyone. Doing it again. Getting a big applause break there. Big joke. Very fun. Welcome, welcome, welcome.

What's up, man? Y'all got old boy back. Oh, yeah. Old boy is here. Hello. Wait, are you going to make fun of me or something? No, it's MLK Day. Y'all couldn't get no niggas?

What do you mean? A black guest. Oh, come on. Moshe's the closest we can get. He's originally from Oakland. Doesn't that count for anything? We're too short ass, shit. Yeah, and his parents were deaf, you know?

It's pronounced milk day. Hey, the milk man is back. Heck yeah. If anyone knows anything about gushing out of a wound, it's the milk man as of right now. No, we couldn't have too short. We already have you. You're too wide.

And you're too gay. Oh, come on. Come on. You're like you stick your head inside of turkeys. You know what's funny? I actually do do that every chance I get. I grab a turkey and I stick my fucking head in it. You be fisting turkeys on Thanksgiving?

Yes. You look like the Cornish hen type. Wait, what is going on? Why are you naming all these birds all of a sudden? What's going on, dude? You hungry, bro? Nah. You have low blood sugar?

I ain't been hungry in like 10 years. I don't allow myself to get hungry. I bet. How long do you hibernate for? The same amount of time you stick your head in sand. Oh, shit. God damn it. That is an ostrich joke.

These are all bird jokes tonight. I don't know what is happening here. At least it's a flightless bird. Look at him. Expect a gadget. Go-go gadget neck. All right. All right.

Thank you. Thank you. You look like you should be somewhere rubbing on a cat. Oh, you're back to me? You look like Bruce Bruce when he's thin enough to just be called Bruce. That was alright, bro. I was just sitting here. I don't know why I'm being victimized.

Just because I'm not black? Can a white man not get a break in this town? Just like a white guy to say victimizing. My goodness. Were you in the movie Don't Fuck With Cats? I think I recognize you. What do you keep in all four of those zippers? Twinkies or what?

It is true. David is one of the... You got the shirt Marlowe the King got shot in. Get your head out of my pocket shirt wearing ass. Fuck, you got no dickies? No, this is what nice clothes look like. That's how rich white people dress. No, you'll get there someday. Fucking janitor clothes.

You're wearing literally the clothes at the company you work at. Duh. It's called a uniform, motherfucker. Yeah, well. Where you work at with that ugly ass mustache? I work on comedy stages. I make money doing it. You'll get there someday. But you got that mustache for the...

Oh, yeah. Don't fall into this bullshit. What do you mean? I was just sitting here. Don't fall into this bullshit. David works here at the Comedy Store. It is the first time the Comedy Store has hired a chocolate wedding cake to work here. He bragging about all the money he got, but he got a mouth full of shark wheat teeth. Oh my goodness. I don't have...

I got a great white mouth. You look like a guy that screamed Wakanda until the chicken arrives. You look like the type of white boy that screamed rape. Now get your Me Too ass out of here. Wow. My goodness. Wow. My goodness. Wow.

This is kill Tony. You got me too by a nigga named Emily. Oh my God. You want to keep going, Sandman? No. Well, I'm happy to keep going. I don't know if you can because the diabetes might kick in at some point. When you go over people's house, they kids fake sleep.

I would tell Moshe to throw in the towel, but the only person with a towel here is David Lucas. Tony, I forgot about your last season, nigga. I haven't forgot about you. You're looking like the DC sniper if he was white. It's true. You mentioned it earlier, but David actually is part of the Me Too movement,

except he spells it M-E-A-T. It's meat. Ooh. You call the police on kids skateboarding. I don't think, I look like I skateboard. I don't think that quite makes sense. You look like you asked for a manager. You look like you got kicked out of the Nation of Islam for eating all the bean pies.

You look like you got kicked out of the Nation of Islam for eating all the bean pies. Not only is he a member of Me Too, but David Lucas is also a member of Black Fives Matter. Y'all didn't know both of these niggas participated in the slut walk. Okay. Okay. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Speaking of the Nation of Islam, they were doing the Million Man March.

So I got 500,000. You came and they're like, it'll do. The only march this guy does is no exercising in the month of March. Shut up. I sat up again. That nigga Tony marched so they could put sprinkles on donuts. What? Why would I do that?

Why would I march for that? Tony made it a law that you gotta sit down when you pee. You son of a bitch. That nigga Tony signed up for a self-abortion. Oh, my God. What is going on here? We're not even taking turns anymore. You're going to get AIDS tests for fun.

All right, all right. You want to keep going? All right. This is unbelievable. This is unbelievable. This is unbelievable. I mean, I don't know. I don't know what to do. What can I say?

I got to get back to work, though. You're right. He's working the back door tonight. I've never felt safer in my life knowing that we have a door guy that actually can just stand in front of it and not let anyone in. When you work the back door, a nigga end up with his pants off. Alright, son of a bitch. Son of a bitch.

You got another one for him, you know what I'm saying? There you go. He's working the back door and the deep fryer here at the Comedy Store at the same time. Tony's in charge of all the catering at the comedy store. That nigga make wedding cookies. That's not true. That is not true. Yes it is. That is not true. But when

David clocks out, he has to have someone else do it because his fingers are too fat for the computer. Tony, you look like you own an organic vape shop. Tony, you look like you own an organic vape shop. And you look like you take edibles just with CBD in them. Oh, God. Just for the carbs.

You like to eat anything that busts in your mouth. Oh, my God. Wait a second. That nigga love Gushers. That nigga love Gushers. I did love Gushers. They remind you of the 12th grade. No, come on. That's not true.

What the fuck do you know about 12th grade? You going to end this? Are you ever going to leave? What do we have to do? Do I have to get a backdoor guy to get the backdoor guy out of here? Don't involve me again. I've checked out. You are the hide-and-seek champion in Wisconsin. All right, here we go. You look like the hungriest member of Arrested Development.

Your lips so pink, it looks like you've been tongue-kissing spaghetti. Oh, my God. It's running out. Your lips so pink it look like you've been tongue kissing spaghetti. Oh, my God. It's running out. This is what happens when you flash back too fast between the Cooking Network and BET. No more drums, please. I can't take the drums. All right.

The great David Lucas, everybody. Come on. You can watch a whole season of Comedy Central's Roast Battle and you won't see as many jokes as just happen here in ten minutes. Unbelievable. Yeah, that's not normally how comedy works. We all make it look a little bit easier than it actually is. That reminded me so much of eighth grade in Oakland Public Schools.

I cannot tell you. Exactly. Being a kid, that's exactly what it's like. Here in comedy, they give you breaks and setups and things like that, but it's very rare where the just adrenaline and momentum have to take over in which you're like, I cannot let this fucking door guy beat my ass right now.

Anyway, get my brand new album, Crowd Surfing. Let's go back to the bucket before we go to our final regular. We're splitting up the, we're going to split up the regulars. Oh, yeah, we're going to get through one quick one. Oh, you know what? Let's do that, and then we'll go back to the bucket one more time to end it. Our final regular, you know him. He just joined the show a couple weeks ago.

He is an immediate superstar of the show. He did stand-up for, he's done stand-up for only a few months. However, he trained in improv in Chicago for over 20 years. And here he is right now, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the new regular of Kill Tony, Michael Lehrer, everybody. Here we go. It's Michael Lehrer.

Wow. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I'm crippled. I can barely speak, and I still have a girlfriend. It just goes to show you, chicks don't like fat guys. I call my girlfriend munchie, cause I think I'm a victim of Munchausen Syndrome. Ha ha ha, just kidding. Ha ha ha. Not like she would be honest with me anyway.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Love you, Munchie. She's always asking if I need to use the potty when I'm hanging with my homies. She's so fucking lucky I need her for everything. Yeah. Yeah.

Michael Lair. Wow. At it again. You did it again, Michael Allaire. Holding strong up there, rocking a brand new neck brace. You are the king of style. Yeah, man. My body is failing me.

So I'm wearing clothes that support my neck. Wow, I like that. You still move your head around a lot with that thing on, I noticed. I know, but it's like bumper cars. You know, I'm protecting my C5 and 7 are fucked, but this little baby keeps me all right. I love it, dude. Fuck yeah.

Hell yeah. Exciting stuff, dude. No doubt I'm also really concentrating on my physical therapy and focusing on my FUPA. It's my fat upper penis. Wow. Yeah, it's like the hinge of the body.

The fupa. Very lovely. And how has life with your nurse slash girlfriend been? It's rough. She sneaks stool softener into my daily medication

without telling me. I feel violated. I've called the police. You hear that, Nurse Cosby? Your crimes won't go unpunished. Oh, my goodness gracious. That is incredible. Yeah.

Hopefully your stool is the only thing that's soft in that relationship. Oh, yeah, man. No, the best part about ALS is it's neurological. So my nerves are like boing. So, dude, my hard-on is like, you know, Mountain from Game of Thrones? Yeah. You know, after he's transformed? Yeah.

Dude, that's my cock. My goodness gracious. Yeah, dude. It's ridiculous. That's why they call it Lou Gehrig's, because it makes you have a little baseball bat in your pants. Oh, yeah. Bat rum.

Wow. Mind-blowing. Moshe Kesher, this is your first time getting the Sia set from Michael Lair, right? Yeah, I'm still thinking about his cock right now. I'm sorry. Yeah, man. It's awesome. It's so big.

His cock's so amazing, it has its own neck brace. Yeah. Yeah. Except it's a gold ring. I wear a gold ring at all times. Why do I feel like that thing looks like a Super Bowl ring? Yeah. It's a class ring.

From high school. My glory, when I made another person. That's true. We saw your son earlier. What are your thoughts about that? Were you listening from backstage? I could hardly, but I wanted to let all the online trolls know he came here an hour early to put his name in the bucket and I made sure he picked up my

heroin before he did. He's a good boy. Now you have two things in common with Lieutenant Dan. Heroin. It's incredible. No doubt. I love it. No doubt.

That is exciting stuff. Yeah. You had trouble hearing him? Or were you just listening for the audience's laughter? Because we were at trouble hearing that during his set too. Yeah. I was really nervous to listen. Yeah.

Because his mom, for 21 years, has been threatening to cut my balls off. Wow. So, I mean, after tonight. You were like, too late. God already did that. Yeah. Exactly. She's like, no, I'm with you with everything.

Really? This is lovely Yeah man Is that a UFO on your necklace? Yeah Wow Your outfit looks like it could be yours or Snoop Dogg's Including the chair

No I'm a middle aged high beast You look dope It's true It's true I'm the middle aged high beast Look for it on merch soon Yeah I love it absolutely And follow him on Instagram I'm the middle aged high beast look for numbers soon yeah I love it absolutely and follow him

on Instagram Michael's been posting a lot of hilarious videos from back when he did a lot more when I could walk when he was a day walker you fucking asshole yeah he's being so polite

what Brian I said he's being so polite about it. What, Brian? I said he was being so polite about it. Yeah, fuck politeness. There was a time where I could walk. That time is not now. There you go. Was your dick really smaller when you could walk?

Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, that's the thing. Like, when you lose your hair and your eyesight gets better. So my nurse-like girlfriend, every night, she feels like she's been fucked by a train. Jesus. I gotta get me some of this Lou Gehrig's going on. Just go to forhims.com

slash AOS. Forhims.com slash AOS. I'm sure we all had good jokes. Well, Michael, we absolutely love you on this show. We gotta squeeze one more pool out of this bucket.

He has to write and perform a new minute every week. It's Michael Lair. He's on social media. Michael underscore Lair. L-E-H-R-E-R. Is that you on Instagram? Michael underscore Lair or Michael Lair Comedy? What is it on Instagram? On Instagram. Michael Lair comedy? What is it on Instagram? On Instagram. Dude, I'm dying.

Michael Lair comedy. He said, dude, I'm dying. I don't know my Instagram handle. He's TikToking right now. Unbelievable. I love it, dude. By the way, instead of helping him him Chroma Chris just took the mic back Jesus Christ He grabbed his mic and was like

Fuck you good luck dude My goodness This place is electric Are you being electrocuted right now? What's happening? Oh shit Spilled milk. Good save, milk man.

Great job on the timing of his mic removal. You know what that means? Jeremiah has to drink another bottle. Yeah. Yeah. Unless we have a trash can out here already, you can't do it. Yeah, we shouldn't do that. I'm against it.

I'm the host of the show. I say we don't do it. But, I mean, if the entire crowd thinks we should do it. You don't have to if you don't want to. You know you don't have to if you don't want to. You know you don't have to. Hey, I want to say this is all because I got the microphone and I didn't even need it. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. How about one more time for Michael Lair, everybody? need it. Yeah! Yeah!

Come on, how about one more time for Michael Lair, everybody? Guys, this is an incredible episode of this show. I think everybody forgot that you were going to drink milk. You don't want to do that, right? Don't do it, Jeremiah. Drink the... I mean, by the way, to going to drink milk. You don't want to do that, right? Don't do it, Jeremiah. Drink.

I mean, by the way, it smells like sour milk on stage right now. There's a Latino guy that just walked by with a black hoodie on over his ball cap that literally goes, just walking back to his seat. Just trying to get back to his seat. A guy who looks like he's made a lot of bad decisions telling Jeremiah not to... Oh, he's grabbing the milk, everybody! Here he goes. Make it in the bucket. If you're going to puke, make it in the bucket.

Move the mic cord. First, move the mic cord. Oh, my God. There he is. Guys, if you're going to do this, you have to make some fucking noise. I mean. There he is. He's drinking the milk, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, he this way. Don't face this way. Oh, he's finishing the last of... Oh, my God. This is incredible. His body's starting to digest it. Oh, Jesus. Oh.

Wow, this is scary. He's run out of milk to drink oh no he hasn't oh this is incredible what's happening here Why people be crazy, man? My goodness, Jeremiah, what do you think's happening? You're not vomiting at all. We wanted our money's worth here. This is actually the worst thing that could happen right now. My goodness, Jeremiah, what do you think is happening? You're not vomiting at all. We wanted our money's worth here.

This is actually the worst thing that could happen right now. Wow. This is incredible. What are we going to do about this, do you think? Do you think you need more milk? Can we get some half and half from the kitchen? Can we get Michael's son's cock to deep throat him? We got to get some half and half from the kitchen, I do believe.

Oh, wait, he's putting a finger in his mouth. This is very exciting. Can we get some Go Girl? Shout out to Gino from Speedweed. We've seen this before. Should we go to the bucket one more time and just see what happens? Alright. Oh, I actually pulled a name out. I pulled a name out before that.

Your final comedian of the night who's going to be performing with a chance of Jeremiah vomiting while he's performing. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Steve Lartner. Steve Lartner. One more time for Steve Lartner. How's it going? I'm from Ireland. We use a lot of different slang back there.

You know, instead of saying someone's drunk, we say they're flutered. If someone's a little bit slow, we say they're American. It gets pretty old having an accent, though, here, I have to say. You know, like, I often have people ask me where I'm from when I'm standing in coffee shops or sweatshops or whatever. My new way to make that question fun for myself is I just pick a nearby town. The lady in Starbucks the other day was like,

Hey, that's a cool accent. Where are you from? Burbank. She's like, come on now, sweetie, that's not a Burbank accent. Where are you from? Burbank, California, born and raised. Now I'll have my large coffee with extra Jameson, please.

No tip for you, bitch. That's it. Wow, Steve Lardner. Look at that. All the way from Ireland. Steve Lardner from Ireland. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy, Steve? About a year and a half. About a year and a half.

All of it in Ireland? No, all of it here. Oh, how'd you get to live here? I moved over to work in Idaho five years ago. Uh-huh. Whoa, when Ireland's not white enough. Yeah. Specialized, obviously, in potatoes or something?

Believe it or not, to work at a dairy factory. Wow, look at that. Maybe that'll be the... That sounds like that'd be the final thing to push Jeremiah into puking up all of this. He's drinking half and half single-serve tearaway containers, by the way,

for those of you that aren't paying attention. Wow. He's just digesting all of it. We might be getting close here. You want to do some jumping jacks or something? Maybe that'll help. Water will help. Let's get them a bottle of water. Why are we trying to get Jeremiah to vomit?

You want some nitro cold brew coffee? Will that do it? No, that'll just, that'll just keep you awake and give you energy for your entire day. Nitro caveman coffee slash kill Tony. Wow. This is,

there's a bottle of water. David Deary putting it on the table. Here we go. This is exciting. Are shows in Ireland a lot like this or? Every single show is like this. Right. Wow, there's a bottle of water. David Deary putting it on the table. Here we go. This is exciting stuff. Are shows in Ireland a lot like this? Every single show is like this, yeah. Right, right.

So you work in the dairy field in Idaho? Not in the field. I was in a factory, yeah. Oh, okay. Making cheese. You move the raw. I go, move. He moved toward the bucket. I don't know where to stand here.

This is funny. No, you're good. Come a little bit more this way. Actually, you know what? Stand between Jeremiah and Moshe. There you more this way. Actually, you know what? Stand between Jeremiah and Moshe. There you go. Absolutely. Actually, you know what?

Open your mouth and just get right underneath Jeremiah. Exactly. Wow, did you just drink that whole bottle of water? Oh, fuck, dude. This is so impressive. We're going to need a bigger bucket. This is very exciting. I can't wait for the Jeremiah Watkins Memorial.

I'm definitely performing. You got it. My goodness gracious. From Ireland to Idaho, and somehow you are next to the whitest thing that's ever happened on this show, Jeremiah overdosing on milk. So, incredible.

Now what do you do? What's your story now? What are you doing in Los Angeles? I'm an engineer. Wow, that's an upgrade. Like a cheese engineer or what is it? Literally a cheese engineer. Really?

Tell us more about that. Okay, so you didn't laugh, but you didn't realize a genius was operating. Yeah, yeah. When you're smart, you can be whatever you want to be. What? It's a cheese engineering joke. That was a little cheesy. Yeah.

The type of engineering you do, is it true that if a Boeing 747 hit a block of one of your cheeses, it wouldn't melt? No. Okay. So fuel it wouldn't melt? No. Jet fuel doesn't melt cheese. What kind of cheese are we talking about? Oh, everything. Tell us more.

Got regular cheddar, aged cheddar. Keep going. I love this. You're like the fucking Bubba Gump of cheeses. Just keep naming cheese, dude. You got provolone. Yeah. Asiago. Uh-huh.

Come on. I can name more cheeses than this, dude. Monterey. Monterey Jack. Pepper Jack. Gorgonzola. Whoa. We have a cheese lover in the audience, everybody.

What a slut. That's a specialist. I don't do. Gorgonzola. You don't fuck around with Gorgonzola? Why is that? I don't know how Gorgonzola's made don't fuck around with Gorgonzola? No. Why is that? I don't know how Gorgonzola's made. Oh my goodness.

Racist. Different engineers. Were you raised on a dairy farm in Ireland or something? No, but they're like everywhere. So I was raised in a house. Okay. I don't believe that. With like moss on top of it and alcoholics inside beating you up or whatever?

Pretty much the first 15 years, yeah. My goodness gracious. So let me ask you this. Is there a way to make cheese out of expired milk? Pretty bad cheese, but yeah. What about breast milk? Could you make cheese out of human breast milk? That's only like a few of the plants in Arladoo.

Is there any women up here who are willing to have us make cheese out of their breast milk? Anyone? We're running out of milk. We might need someone's breast milk to get Jeremiah to vomit at some point. He's still downing half and halves. Are there any moms in the crowd? Are there any moms in the crowd? Is there any woman lactating in the audience that would be willing to squirt some breast milk

in Jeremiah's... I would say Aphrodite, but that's chocolate milk. We don't want to mix the two. He's chugging another water. This is incredible. There's so much liquid in Jeremiah's belly. This is horrifying. The things that this guy will do

for the audience to go crazy. We've seen it multiple times. We've seen him do this many times. He is a man of the people. Even the rocks said Jeremiah is his people's champion. Oh, he's got the finger down the throat. This is incredible what's happening here. Irish guy, I do believe this interview is about to be

over. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Where's the guys at? Where are those guys? I don't know, dude. Jesus Christ.

Wow. Oh my God. He's done it again. The Milkman is a legend. And that is this episode of Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for Steve Lardner, everybody. There goes Steve, everybody.

You can just put that anywhere. There you go. Jeremiah is leaking from, oh, my God, I'm going to throw up. Look at this drawing from Ryan J. Ebelts, everyone. Look at this drawing from Ryan J. Ebelts, everyone. Look at that. While you all sat there doing nothing, Ryan J. Ebelts drew that amazing drawing. Every print's available at ryanjebelts.com

and all the tour posters. And we're taking some art to Calgary with us that he drew for us there. How about one more time for the great Moshe Kesher, everybody? Come on. His new Crowdworks album, Crowds album crowd surfing comes out this Friday January 25th it is available absolutely everywhere oh the Friday the 24th it's available everywhere and catch him at sketch fest in San Fran this Friday and Saturday release on Friday podcast taping with Natasha. Also the DC Improv at the end of this month. MosheKesher.com M-O-S-H-E-K-A-S-H-E-R

dot com for tickets and everything else. Moshe, we love you. Love you too, Tony. Thank you. How loud can this place get for the one and only Jeremiah Watkins? He did it again, everybody. Willing to put his soul and his stomach out there on the line for this show. He's got new episodes of Jeremiah Wonders, Jeremiah Watkins on YouTube, Jeremiah Stanab on social media.

This new episode of Jeremiah Wonders features the history hyenas, Yanis Papas and Chris DeStefano two hilarious dudes out of New York that we love we're all going to be at Houston Skank Fest together and other fun things anything else Jeremiah? there's Milkman shirts online right now

I love it and on my website and my wife just she wrote a book that teaches kids on the autism spectrum improv to help with their social and emotional skills. So look that up on my Instagram. Yeah, she's

about to be she's about to be a widow too. So support her. Hell yeah. Guys, how loud can this place get for one of our favorites always on the band? The great Jessie Johnson was here, everybody. She's on social media at Jetski Johnson, all one word. She's absolutely hilarious all the time.

What else, Jessie? Thank you so much. I love being here. There you go. There he is, silent but deadly as always, batting 1,000, the great Chroma Chris, everyone. The backbone, the spinal cord of the band. Chroma, what do you think about tonight's episode?

It was very pleasant, Tony. Oh, that's great. And, guys, the backbone of it all, the man on the beats, the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody. Yeah. He's mostly sorry on social media. He's an official Ludwig artist. If you ask me, he's

the best damn Ludwig artist that there is out there. What else, Joel? I mean, shout out to the crew. My buddy Bob Henry, all the crew from Ludwig. We got their fucking drum engineer here tonight. They all made it out from NAMM. You guys, seriously, thank you so much. You guys legitimized me as a fucking drummer,

as a comedian. I love you guys. Thanks so much for believing in me. I love you guys. Legitimize Sam and help legitimize this show tremendously. We love you guys over at Ludwig for taking care of the man, Joel Berg. We had another unbelievable show tonight. The road just

keeps coming our way. We're going to Vancouver, Swansea, La Jolla, Ventura, Boston, and Austin all coming up, but we got to go to Calgary first this week. Those shows already sold out. Stand-up comedy this weekend, just me and Jeremiah Watkins featuring if he's still with us. And yeah,

that's it. Tony, can I do one more shout-out? Absolutely. Shout- out to my buddy Dustin from the Dirty Heads. You guys out here feeling good with Dirty, my podcast. Check it out. I love you guys. Peace. I love that. Oh, and also just one more thing. Aphrodite's original eye color, dark blue, everyone. Red Band. Thanks a lot, guys. Love you.

Good night, everybody. Thank you. Take a quick picture. everybody thank youme you