KILL TONY - KILL TONY #432

Episode Date: January 30, 2020

Joel Jimenez Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 01/23/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to all the shows. And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live. We're at the Comedy Store every Monday at 8 o'clock, but we're always on the road. So click on tour dates to see where we're at next. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own tour dates, like his comedy shows. He also has some merch up there. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, that's the house artist. He drew the Kill Tony book. He has a bunch of stuff for sale. Check out RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least,

ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We got some Kill Tony shirts over there. We got some Death Squad hats and mugs. Check out ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Calgary for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Calgary, Canada, make some noise, people. Fuck yeah. Hey, look, everybody. Brian Redband's here, everyone. Absolutely doodly. How exciting is this? This is the first time I believe ever Kill Tony in Calgary, Canada, everyone. You did it.

I've been doing stand-up here for years and years and years, and every time I do it, every single person afterwards says, you have to bring Keltoni. How many of you have seen me do stand-up here and have told me to bring Keltoni here? Well, there you go. Yeah, look at that. Staying here all weekend, doing four shows with the great Jeremiah Watkins. It's going to be an exciting time.

Keltoni continues on the road. It never ends. I'm doing stand-up comedy in Tempe, Arizona, February 6th to the 8th, and then Kill Tony goes to Vancouver, Canada, February 21st. Just a short, what is that, a six-hour drive? Then we go to Kill Tony East, just outside

of Boston and Providence, February 29th. Beautiful. La Jolla, California. I do a weekend of stand-up and then two Kill Tonys on March 8th, I do believe, or the 9th, whichever one the Sunday is. Kill Tony Ventura, March 12th. Kill Tony Boston, April 9th, with a weekend of stand-up on the 10th and 11th. And then from Boston to Austin, April 25th.

Austin, Kill Tony at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. How exciting is that? And that is how it works. But tonight is about Calgary, Canada, right? We're here. Like I said, Calgary's been due for one of these for a long time. Calgary's been due. Calgary's been due. CBD. Hey, today's episode is brought to you by Infinite CBD. Infinite CBD is here to help you stick to your New Year's resolution. If you're in the gym and feeling sore, get their freezing point topical cream. It's great and easy to use.

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And if you go to InfiniteCBD.com, you can see which one of their products is right for you. I have a buddy that has Crohn's disease. Our friend Eddie Firth, the creator of Historical Roast, has horrible Crohn's disease. I gave him some of this InfiniteCBD. It says it's the only thing that helps him. So if you have any ailment or depression or anxiety,

go to InfiniteCBD.com. Use the code TONY15 and get 15% off your order. That's InfiniteCBD.com. Use the code TONY15 for 15% off. You guys ready to start tonight's show? This is it. We're here. This is as real as it gets, people.

We're live. We're way too close to you people. This is a dangerous situation. And it goes way back over there. Look at that. Most of the audience is right there. Look at that. Look at that. A bunch of people back there in the darkness.

Well, we go no guests with these shows on the road as always. However, ladies and gentlemen, you'll never believe this, but we do have a band with us tonight. Yeah. I figured you guys would be excited about that because Canadians are known for their politeness

and good manners, and so is the band, actually. They are very good people. This past week, they really had a flex off. The milkman vomited up a lot of milk. It was insanity. They're willing to do anything. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. We never know what

they're going to be. Well, we were in a back secret location on the other side of this incredible hotel they call the Blackfoot. They've been getting ready in this janitor's closet right behind the stage. So let's all find out what they are tonight. Maybe it's a brand new character we've never seen before. Maybe it's the return of some of their famous characters. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band, Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.

Let's see what we have tonight. Wow. Just incredible. My mind is completely blown. This is incredible. My mind is completely blown. This is incredible. This is very, very exciting. I know who they are. This is Ellen DeGeneres' wedding picture.

No, this is incredible. This is Prince Harry, am I correct? Oh. Oh, hold on a second here. We're having a little bit. This might be the royal family might be sabotaging our show. Powerboat. Hello, it is I, Prince Harry.

Oh, wow. And my beautiful bride, Meghan Markle, Canada's newest residence here. Wow, that's right. They are moving to Canada. They did. I don't think you guys did your homework because there's no fucking way they're moving to Calgary. I think they're moving to one of the fancier,

schmancier parts, but this is great. We have the great Pocahontas is here, everybody. Clearly. No, Meghan Markle, if she was a Chiquita Banana Lady for Halloween. This is great. How you No, Meghan Markle if she was a Chiquita Banana Lady for Halloween. This is great. How you doing, Meghan? Happy to be here, Tony.

Wow. She's as lovely as the day I married her. Shout out to the people that made buckets for us. This was a half an effort right here. And from the nice people over at Rebel State Designs, look at this bad boy. It says

Kill Tony. It says Bucket of Destiny. I liked it. So we put the names in that one. And a bunch of people signed up for their chance to get up here and make history. A lot of people that perhaps are not allowed in the United States of America or perhaps

can't afford it, this is their big opportunity to be on the number one live pod. You know what, it's okay, Megan, you really don't need to touch anything on this table for the rest of the show. So they signed up, and if your name gets pulled out of the bucket, there's only one way up here, and it's right here. There's a secret stairway right here in the dead center. You can't miss it. So if you come from that way, come this way. If you come from that way, come that way. Don't go in between people's tables or anything stupid. Don't try to jump over anything.

You get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry, twisted element bear. Very good. And then I interview you and we talk with you about your life, try to figure

out more about you, if you have anything special about you or something that's extra Canadian about you. We want to figure that out here tonight and we'll all get through it together. You guys ready to start this fucking show live from Calgary, Canada? Alright. Then let's do it.

We have the Royal Family. We have Red Band. We have the Bucket of Destiny. I'm pulling out the first name, and the show will begin with the comedy stylings of Brian Dyke. Could be real.

Let's see what happens. Here he is. Could be real. Let's see what happens. Here he is. It's Dick, by the way. Yeah, my last name is Dick. In my defense, it's spelled with a Y, not with an I. But where I'm from, where I'm born, they pronounce it Dyke, but here they pronounce it dick,

so I like to say I'd rather be a dick than a dyke. Yeah, but that's not the worst part about my name. My middle name is actually Jonathan, so you can imagine the name that they came up with me for in high school. BJD, a.k.a. Blowjob Dick. Right? Fuck school. school they BJD aka blowjob dick right fuck school that's not the worst part about school I played basketball growing up and I don't know if you guys know the logo bench the shirt branch bench but anyways my mom bought me this logo this shirt logo named bench and I wore it all the time and this fucking kid in school comes up to me

and he says, you wear that all the time because you want to show the position you play? A little sad. Wow. Royals. It's a one in our love. That kind of looks just not for us.

Please step back from that ledge Alright so Brian Dick I pronounced it Dyke and then You basically fucked it up so bad And then you did 30 seconds about how Everybody's called you Dyke and Dick your whole life But I guess you're right

I guess I'm the fuck up here Great stuff I've always wondered what a Canadian Basketball player looks like I guess we'm the fuck up here. Great stuff. I've always wondered what a Canadian basketball player looks like. I guess we found it out. 5'7", fucking hairy beard. I like it. Let's check in with Prince Harry. Yes, you have a lot in common with Tony Hinchcliffe

because people have called him a dick and a dyke as well. That's true. That is true. The horse of truth is out. I've been called a dick and a dyke today, and that was just while going through customs. So, Brian, let's talk about it. You're from here in Calgary, born and raised?

Yeah, from Rosemary, Alberta. It's a little village like two hours east of here. Is that anywhere near Stu Hart and his entire setup? Hart's the Hart Dungeon or Bret Hart? Bret the Hitman Hart? Perhaps Owen Hart? No? Alright. So, Rosemary, what's that

known for? Is there a lot of people that live there? A lot of Mormons and Mennonites there. Mormons and what? Mennonites. Another Christianity, Mennonites. Amish. What do you do for work? I work at Savon Foods as a

delivery driver for obese and rich and fat. Obese, rich, and fat people. Wow. My goodness. Wow. So you deliver to a lot of people like that, huh? Yeah, mostly rich and obese. Right. At the same time,

they're both rich and obese? Yeah. Do you just think they're, they're both rich and obese? Yeah. Do you just think they're rich because you're delivering their groceries? Yeah. You think there's a chance they're just middle class, but since you're the delivery driver, you're like, oh, these rich fucks. Yeah.

They're a two-bedroom apartment. Yeah. The way they look at me, you know? How long have you been delivering groceries for? For about two months now. Two months? What did you do before that? I worked at a trailer park company building

modular homes. Modular homes? Jesus Christ, this is the same story as the beginning of the documentary about Kid Rock or something like that. Dude, I fucking built trailers, I fucking worked my way up the grocery store delivery driver. Had to ball with the bar, dude.

So, Brian, what do you do when you're not working? These extremely brain-using jobs that you have. It must be draining. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do. How old are you? I'm 27. But what do you like to do for fun? Do you have any special skills or talents or anything

like that? I have big calves. You do? Let's see. Let's see what Canadian big calves look like. Let's see what's going on. Blow me down. Baby got back. Oh my goodness. How do you think you got calves like that? Genetics and

I walk on my toes, I think. You walk on your toes? What the fuck are you doing? I don't try to. It'setics and I walk on my toes, I think. You walk on your toes? Yeah, it's weird. What the fuck are you doing, dude? I don't try to, it's just how I walk. Oh my god, bro. You ever try high heels? No. It sounds like you're a

cross-dresser and you wear heels all the time. There you go. There's a little act out for you Wow, that is interesting Is walking on your toes something that you've always done? Yeah, yeah, yeah Are you trying to sneak around or something? No, no

Did you have a father that beat you If you made any noise around the house? No Just been on your tippy toes your whole life? Yeah, yeah People think their groceries are being delivered by a ghost. My goodness. We don't hear the guy.

Wow. Very interesting, Brian. So your special skills and talents is that you walk on your tippy toes. Therefore, due to that you have larger than normal calf muscles. Yeah. Do the ladies ever compliment that?

Are they ever like, oh, Brian, my God, your calf muscles. Man, my girlfriend does sometimes. How long have you been with your girlfriend? About two years. Wow. You threw your dick in that dike? Good job, yeah.

I guess so. It's right there. It's on the surface. It's not that good. Do you think you're a glass calf full or a calf empty type of guy? So how long have you been with her? Pardon? How long have you been with this girl?

About two years. Where did you meet her at? Australia. Wow. What were you doing in Australia? Working holiday visa for two years. Where'd you meet her at? Australia. Wow, where were you doing in Australia? Working holiday visa for two years. You were what? Working holiday visa for two years. What were you doing out there?

Working and partying. I understand that you were working, Brian. What kind of job were you doing in Australia? Just like labor jobs, hostel jobs. Anything to make the money.

Oh, you do labor job. I'm very familiar. So you did that and then you fell in love with her and now she lives with you out here? Is it a long distance relationship? It was long distance for nine months, yeah. She's from Colombia I met.

Whoa, damn. Look at that. This chick's... Now I know how you got those caps. You're smuggling coke in them. Yeah, I just walk on my tippy toes a lot. No big deal. Is she feisty?

Do you get in a lot of fights with her? No, no, no. No, Colombians are cool. They are the more mild-mannered. Is she feisty? Do you get in a lot of fights with her? No. No. No. Colombians are cool. They are the more mild-mannered. They are the smarter. I don't think that's the word.

They are the more mild-mannered of the Latinos, I would say. From my own research, let's check in with our senior Latino correspondent, Megan Markle for confirmation there no comment I've never heard that before no it is I used to I used to date a girl that was half Colombian half Chinese

so that's why that's why yeah that bounced it out pretty nice but I know I knew the Colombian side of her family anyway it doesn't matter I just know these things because I'm well-worldly rounded. She's the reason I kind of have my life together right now. Oh, wow. What was not together with your life before?

I just didn't have a game plan. Okay. Now, what's your game plan now? Comedy and maybe film and video production. That's a lot. That's a lot of things you just named. How long have you been doing comedy for? I started on the 7th of January.

And this is my third time. Straight up. Here we are. Here we are, 20 days later. And you're still at it. Fucking incredible. How did it go your first time? What was that like?

It was good, but I said, um, like the majority of the time. You what? I said, um, majority of the time. Oh, that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. Is that how you talk in real life? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. Well, Brian, congratulations. You're 20 days into stand-up comedy. You have big calf muscles. What can I say? This is the beginning of something great, I do believe. How about a hand for Brian Dick, everybody? Royals.

Wow. Oh, my goodness. I can't even hear him walking back to his seat. It's incredible. He actually was walking on his tippy toes. My goodness gracious. That's from... All right.

Let's see what happens here. We're already getting a lovely young lady up here. Make some noise for Ashley Boutelier. Boutelier. Ashley Boutelier. Boutelier. Our land and sea home. Oh, Canada.

One more time for Ashley, everybody. Hi, guys. What's up? Okay, so you want to get Canadian. I'm like the most Canadian because I'm so nice. I was voted

most nice in high school. You run into me and I will tell you I'm sorry. What else? I'm sorry. At my first job I had like this really crazy boss that was like super intimidating And one time I knew I was too nice because he ended up telling me, stop saying I'm sorry. And I was like, okay. What am I supposed to say to that? What do I say about it? I'm sorry. I can't help it. Anyways. Crickets. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I told you. There you go. That's exactly a minute right there. Welcome, Ashley. Thank you. So, wow, that was as Canadian as it gets right there. I told you right off the bat. My goodness.

This is your first time doing stand-up comedy? Please. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. This is your first time doing stand-up comedy? Please. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. You're welcome.

Wow. And you gave it a shot tonight. Was this your idea? Heck yeah. Oh, that's great. I'm your biggest fan. Is that true? Yep.

I don't know about that. For example, these two people, I know for a fact, I remember they've been here almost every time I've been here for the last five years. But you're telling me you're my biggest fan? I think so. Am I right? You guys have seen me multiple, multiple times. You always sit at that table, right?

Oh, just last year? Oh, well, my memory has it all different. I have different fans. They all look like you. So, Ashley, let's find out more stuff about you other than the fact that you're nice. What's the meanest thing you've ever done to somebody? There must be something

that's once happened. You once caught a girl trying to jerk off your boyfriend or something, and you're like, oh, I'm sorry, but you're not allowed to do that. Thank you. Something like that. Great technique, though. There's a Joel Berg chant it has begun so Ashley what's the meanest thing you've ever done to somebody tell the truth here you ever you ever my mother-in-law a whore whoa what did she what did she do to deserve that?

She's just not nice. Come on. Try to take yourself back to the time. That's the meanest thing I've ever done. Yeah, but why? What made you do that? There must have been a time you called her that to her face. No.

You didn't even tell her to her face? Do it in your pillow? You called her a whore behind her back? That's the meanest thing you've ever done? I did it in my mind. Oh my god. Did you even say it out loud? Yeah.

You did? You told your husband this? Uh, yep. You said your mother's a whore? And he's like, Oh my god, is that your husband Jesus Christ well that's how you got here sir you should be happy about that

alright so is there something that she's done in particular that you can talk about that reminds, that'll convince us all of how big of a whore this guy's mother is it's just a defense mechanism it's just a defense mechanism. It's just a defense

mechanism. Ashley Boutelier. Am I pronouncing that correctly? Boutelier. Boutelier. Boutelier. Oh, yeah. You really fucking Canada that up. That's a real French last name. Just white trash to the devil.

No, it's just Boutelier. Boutelier. Boutelier. It's not written that way at all. All you guys are like, that's really not my name, just white trash to the devil. No, it's just Boudelaire. Boudelaire. It's not written that way at all. All you guys are like, that's really not my name, how it's written. Actually, I'm a dyke. No, I'm kidding. Last person's last name was dyke. Anyway, Ashley, so you've been from Calgary your whole life? Crossfield.

Crossfield. Where's that at? Half an hour away, little town. North? Yep. You were raised in an igloo? Kind of. Okay.

What do you do for work? I deliver mail. You deliver mail? Mm-hmm. Wow. We've had two people that deliver everything so far, except for jokes.

This is incredible. So you're a real, a real Canadian postwoman? And I think I'll keep my job delivering mail. I'm not going to do comedy, promise. Aw, come on. No, we know that. We know that. You must be the nicest little mail lady in the world, huh?

Yeah, I'm so nice that one time I delivered to a really old lady on the toilet. She was taking a poop. I'm not kidding. Wait a second. So you walked into the bathroom? Yeah. When I first started my job, I was 18 years old, and I was all cute out of high school, thinking like, oh, I don't want to do anything wrong working for Canada Post,

right? Like, it's a good job. So I had this registered letter and I had to get her signature and I went to this old folks home where she lived and I went upstairs, knocked on the door, Canada Post, and she's like, come in. And I was like, okay. Oh my god.

This is the most Canadian shit I've ever heard in my life. Why are you knocking on the door in the first place? Because that's my job. Just wanted to let you know your mail's out here. I had to get a signature. You old whore. And then she's overly nice.

She's taking a shit. I mean, you guys are so insanely safe and trusting of one another. Who would ever invite a random person in while taking a shit? Only in Canada. This would never happen. Let me remind you, we have done over 420

episodes of this show in the United States of America. No one's ever said anything like this before. Neither in Australia, nor England, nor Ireland. This is truly ridiculously Canadian. Got your mail here. Come on in.

In the most vulnerable position one can be in. Okay. Jesus. I was more embarrassed at that moment that i was here tonight so then hold on let me ask you this so she says come on in and then you go in and then what do you knock on the bathroom door oh come on come on in keep coming i'll paint a picture i walked in she said come in so i opened the door and I saw her little old lady recliner chair straight across. It was empty. Empty. So I'm like.

And there was a light shining to my left and she's like, I'm in here. And I just was like, okay. I walked in and I was just like. And then I turned around and she was just like, it's okay, dear. She's like, I'm sorry. And I was like, no, I'm sorry. What the hell is going on? And you're like, no, I'm sorry.

Seriously, I am sorry. So is it common to deliver the mail inside the house? Why didn't you just be like, hey, I got your mail and I left it in the front door? I mean, there was a flag sticking up on the bathroom door so she figured she could go in. Normally we don't go inside but this old lady, like I was brand new. I was 18. I had just started

so I didn't want to do anything wrong so I went in. Isn't that wrong though? I found out it was very, very wrong. You found out later that it was wrong. How did you know it was a poop? You could smell it. It stunk.

Oh, my goodness gracious. So did you hand her her mail still? You gave it hand to hand? Here you go now. Thank you. Back then, like this is 16 years ago. No, we know. We get it.

You were 18. We get it. Yeah. We get that part. So it was pen and paper, which is even worse, because it's not like just giving her the scanner. I had to give her the paper and then my pen, and then she's like trying to get it yeah we get that part so it was pen and paper which is even worse because it's not like just giving her the scanner i had to give her the paper and then my pen and then she's like did she make you bend over and sign on your back

she could have because i was turned around but no and then anyway so she just signed it and i was like okay thank you bye she was like oh bills and then she wiped her ass with it. Wow. Well, Ashley, you gave it a shot here, and it's clearly not that easy, you know. You blanked out a little bit, but you definitely know you came up with sort of a brand, I'll tell you that. And I'll give you this, in the history of this show, you won nicest in high school, I'll tell you that. And I'll give you this. In the history of this show, you won nicest in high school. I'll tell you right now. In Kill Tony

history, you are definitely the nicest person that's ever been on this show. Thank you. Still the nicest. I'll take it. Ashley Boudelaire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel.

Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19-plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Canada. Your next comedian goes by the name of Graham Templeman, everyone. Graham Templeman. Someone's very excited about this. Here he comes.

Come on, everybody. One more time for Graham Templeman. How's it going, guys? So I recently broke up with my, I guess, lady now. We were together for about five years. And didn't really have sex for the last year of our relationship. That's kind of why we broke up. But during that time, I had to figure out some interesting ways to masturbate.

And we lived together, we worked together, and she would come home and immediately go walk the dog. I'm like, I'm going to go take a shit. So I'd go sit on the toilet, faking to take a shit, and then I'd jerk off. So I have this problem. Every time I take a shit at like 2 or 3 in the afternoon, I don't know

what to do. I have to. Doesn't matter where I am. It's actually not that bad. It's not much of a problem. That's about all I got. Fuck yeah. Absolutely.

Clearly Red Band's been doing some ghost writing for the first time. Wow. My goodness gracious, Graham Templeman. Shitting and jerking off at the same time. We all do it. No, you all do it.

Have you ever been taking a shit while jerking off and your mail lady gives you the mail while you're doing all that? Oh, thank you, thank you. So sorry, I'm sorry. Goodness gracious, Graham. Well, that is exciting. I didn't realize that jerking off on a toilet can get you pregnant.

I've never seen anything like this before. No, this is... Clearly you're about to be working in labor as well. No, this is 15 years on the road right here. I love it. On the road doing what? Playing music. Oh, wow. Interesting. What kind of music do you play?

I'm a session drummer. You're a session drummer? What? Wait a second. Wait a second. Graham, Graham, are you a fan of this show? Do you know what that means? Yeah, yeah, I am.

So you understand... Yeah, yeah, I am. So you understand. I'm telling you, this is one throne Meghan Markle does not want to give up. So, all right. Just in case someone brought their girlfriend here, perhaps, who doesn't know what is at stake during this part of the show, we do have a segment called a Mexican

drum off and we are about to have one here now Graham sure get back there Graham just to let you know it's a drum solo versus a drum solo I don't know how much you listen to the show because we've seen this before

we've had people have their friend who plays drums. They bring their friend and they say, look, I'll help you with 60 seconds. All you have to do is fucking nothing. Just talk about jerking off and shitting at the same time and then you end up doing it. But one thing that a lot of these

people, I don't know how much you pay attention to the show because not only is it about a drum solo, it's also about comedic effect going for it utilizing any tricks you have up your sleeve or anything like that because I'll tell you right now all time in Mexican drum offs Joel Berg Joel Jimenez is

undefeated all time he's never been beaten before not in Australia not in America not in Europe he's all time undefeated. However, if you win, you are the new drummer of Kill Tony. You have to be in Los Angeles this Monday for our next

episode with Doug Benson and a big top secret guest who is, I will just say this, a bucket list guest on the Kill Tony's history. It's going to be a massive episode for us

and if you win this drum off here at the Hotel Blackfoot you will be the new drummer of Kill Tony. That means you also have to get ready to keep going on that road because we're going to Vancouver, Kill Tony East, La Jolla, Ventura, Boston and Austin. So if you think

you're pregnant now, you're going to be looking like you're going to have triplets by the time March comes around. But before we do this, let's check in with Prince Harry. Yes, he will also be having sex with me later tonight as my wife. You will be the new Meghan Markle. It's going to be Prince Harry meets Prince Scary over here. So here we go.

With no further ado, this is a Mexican drum off, and this is the defender, Graham Templeman. He's underneath his leg right now. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Underneath his leg. This is unbelievable. Unbelievable. I can't believe what we're seeing here. This could be one of the greatest contenders of all time.

Not much comedically. However, he started underneath his leg. He ended underneath his leg. A lot of people I don't think from multiple camera angles perhaps could even tell that. He was literally playing between his legs. An unbelievable performance. You've brought the room to a climax. You've changed what the stage smells like completely. Here, come up here. Come stand up here, Graham. It's okay. Don't worry about it. It's okay. Here, why don't you just have a seat? Just have a seat right there on that stoop.

Yep, perfect. There you go. Still like a good little boy. No shitting or jerking off while you're there. All right. With no further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you undefeated all time, here to defend her throne as Meghan Markle herself,

the true, the undeniable drummer of Kill Tony, Joel Bergjul Jimenez. He's got a tombstone! Oh my God! He's got a tombstone! He's got the purple dildo! He got the regular average size dildo around his head he's gonna have to hold on to this you cuck oh he just called grandma cuck wow uh you know i've never battled a homeless before it's good he's got the unicorn style average sized dildo

around his head. He's wearing all the way from Hollywood. Wow, he's playing underneath his legs. Oh! What a fucking idiot. He brought out

a tombstone, ladies and gentlemen. That's the first time we've ever seen Jolberg bring out a tombstone before. He's got his foot all the way behind his head. His foot is behind his head. Oh, my God. He's got his other foot behind his head. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, defending his throne, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Wow.

There's the finger. Oh, he's taking out the straps. Wow. Jesus. Wow. Wow. Wow. Oh, here comes the spares. His asshole's in his face.

He's got a real, oh, he's putting it on him. He's putting it on him. His asshole is on Graham Templeman. Be careful with these wires. He's got it, he's got it. He's got an eye on it. He's doing actual juiu-jitsu. This is mind-boggling, ladies and gentlemen.

I don't think we've seen. Wait, what's he doing? Oh, he's doing jiu-jitsu on him. Is this real? We've never seen this before. He's got him in some type of leg lock. There you go. Wow. How about a hand for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez?

Let's check in with Prince Harry real quick. I'm starting to wonder whether I made the right decision marrying an American. An American legend. All right. So here we go. Everybody, I have to go through this. This could be a close one. Who knows what can happen here?

Joel did make quite a mockery. It was impressive that he came out guns a-blazing and did a couple of the things that Graham did almost seamlessly. However, I have to ask, how many of you have Canada's own Graham Temple been winning that? That's not bad. Wow. That's a lot. That's pretty loud. All right.

Here we go. How many of you have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez winning? Wow. And still your drummer of Kill Tony, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for the opportunity. However, I will tell you, Graham, all time in the history of the show, that could be one of the better performances. And probably, definitely, according to the audience, we know how Canadians like their own a lot.

You definitely garnered a lot more applause than anybody else ever has competing against Joel. So congratulations. Fun stuff. Next time we're around town, come sign up again. There you go. Graham Templeman, everybody. He's on social media at Instagram a bear. My goodness gracious.

We already have a drum off out of the way. You guys having fun out there? That was really close. I think that was the closest one. Yeah, that was crazy. Okay. I don't think I'm going to say this right because I don't know what this third letter is,

but we're going to try our best. Tig short. Tig shirt. TK. Perhaps it's Tig shirt. TK. Perhaps it's a Q. TK. Short. Here we go. Teak short. Teak short, everybody.

Hello, Calgary. So as a young man, I love to suck dick it was my own dick but I was still a little cocksucker before all of you girls out here judge me you gotta know that every man in this room has tried to suck their own dick

and You got to know that every man in this room has tried to suck their own dick. And if they don't admit, they're lying. Or they're too fat to touch their toes. But as I grew up, I had to quit that bad habit. Because I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore. Not from the guilt, not from the shame, but from all the cum in my eyes. Now, and what's next?

Do I start trying to eat my own ass? Like, that's just gross. Thank you. Short. Hell yeah. How do you feel, buddy? Is that your first time? Yes.

Wow. I'll tell you right now, that's very good for a first time. Is it Teague or Teague? What is this? It's just Ty. Ty? Get rid of the G.

The 60s were good to my phone. T-I-G-E is Ty here. What the fuck is up with your people's names? Is that French shit? I'm not a dyke. I'm a dick. Well, I was going to say, in short, dick. Oh, okay. Uh-huh.

All right. So let's talk about it, Ty. I'm just going to write Ty down. Yeah. I know. I know. Wow. So Ty, first time doing stand-up,

how old are you? 47. Wow. Did you think saying it like Hulk Hogan would make it cooler? Yes, yes. Wow. So you're 47. You just had your first time ever doing stand-up. You are wearing a t-shirt of my favorite album of all time, Dark Side

of the Moon by the great Tank Floyd. I like everything about you. Tell us more about your life. 47, what have you been doing up until this point other than sucking your own dick? Just working, working and fishing. Yeah, what do you do for work? I'm a plant maintenance man,

and I fix laundry equipment, boiler systems. So you're basically Homer Simpson. Yes. And what kind of fishing are we talking about? Ice fishing? That too, but fly fishing mostly. Wow. Wow.

How often do you get to do that? You got about four months in this province. Four months. But how often do you go in that four months? Like once a week? Three days a week. Three days a week. Three days a week. See, that's the shit.

Like fishing is one of those things. Fishing might be the only thing that we don't have in California that I really wish I could do. Like deep sea fishing we could do. Yeah, we could do that. We could catch a fucking, we'd end up catching something that looks like this dude, though. Catch a fucking body, some Mexican cartel. Oh, shit. All right, Ty. Fun Mexican cartel. Alright, Ty. Fun stuff, man.

Very exciting. You ever catch anything crazy in a Canadian stream? You ever catch like a... Just a cold? Aha, look at that. Aren't you a little cutie pie? So, let's talk about you sucking your own dick for a second here.

Did you really do this? A couple times. And how old, if you had to guess how old you were, what are we talking about? 15, 16? 13 probably. 13, right. Flexible. And you would actually like suck it, suck it, or would you just put the tip, right, just the tip?

That's enough. Yeah. Yeah. I can only kiss the tip of it, and that's even gayer. You know what's funny is I'm here with my girlfriend for 20 years and my in-laws, and they've never heard the story. They've never what? Heard that story.

Oh, wow. This is my coming out party. My goodness. That's very exciting. Well, wow. This is my coming out party. My goodness, that's very exciting. Well, you might be single now. That's great. No, I'm just kidding. She loves you. She just sucks the tip of your dick too, doesn't she?

Sure. So you would do that. Did you ever really come on your own face? Actually, no. I was too young. I was just shooting blanks. Right. Really? Yeah. Shooting blanks. Late bloomer. A late bloomer. Wow.

So you just have a high-pitched voice. You're sucking on the tip of your dick. I guess. My goodness. That is a late bloomer. That's interesting. When was the last time you actually succeeded in sucking your own dick? Probably 13 or 14. Yeah.

I don't think he had a long career at it. No, no. It was kind of shameful. I was like... They don't have your number and last name retired somewhere in a... 30 years ago. It was a different time. Right.

Now everybody can suck their own dick like it's nothing. Right. Now they have Instagram filters for that. Wow. So, Ty, where'd you meet your girlfriend or your wife at? How long have you been married for? Not married. Just... Oh, you said in-laws.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Sorry. They're in-laws, but we're not married. But we've been in-laws for 20 years. Oh, we just call them in-laws here in Canada. Just make shit up. Right, right. So you've been with her for how long? 20 years. 20 years.

Yeah, they're in-laws. Yeah. It's all good. Wow, 20 years. So that's almost fresh off of you sucking your own cock. Actually, I knew her at the time. Uh-huh. My goodness.

You guys went to school together? Yeah, junior high. Wow. When did you guys first kiss? Like right around then? A long time ago? More than 20 years ago. Yeah, exactly.

And you've never been with anyone else? Well, yeah, but we weren't together the whole time. We met, dated, and then went away for 10 years and got back together. Let's check in with Prince Harry. Did you quit sucking your dick called turkey? Yes. Yes. Yes.

I think they have a patch for that if you struggle with it. Dickatine or something like that. Dickerette. So, Ty, other than fishing and whatnot, any other fun facts about you or your life or your family no fun facts just I like to listen to music you smoke pot

you excited the pot's now legal here in Canada once it became legal I stopped smoking it because it just wasn't as fun anymore wow my goodness what are you doing now heroin no no that's fun Oh my goodness. What are you doing now? Heroin? Are you? No. That's fun.

Was that your wife over there? It seems like everybody here in Canada, the people, it seems like if you know the person that got pulled out of the bucket, these people here in Canada think you're allowed to yell out whatever you want if you're friends on stage.

Is that why you're not marrying her? She won't shut the fuck up? Whoa. Yeah. Yeah, my mic's fixed. Yeah, you need to shove the tip of your dick back in her mouth, you know what I'm saying? Keep that mouth full.

Yeah, there you go. You still got it, Ty. Alright, well, man, I'll tell you this. Congratulations. It's not just that you told a silly, you know, dorky, suck-my-your-own-dick thing. You know, the material itself was sort of want-want-a-me, but

you delivered it like a fucking champion. I was really... I wasn't even gonna guess that this was your first time ever doing it until you, as soon as the 60 seconds was up, you looked at me like that. You just accomplished something insane because you

did. It was a great first time. You should be very proud of yourself. Getting up here is the scariest thing I've ever done. I don't get in front of people. That's my biggest fear. Well you should try drum battling homeless people. I'm glad that you

I'm glad that you've faced your fears here tonight and a great performance. Perhaps even the set of the night so far. How about a hand for Ty Short, everybody? How about a hand for the band, guys? Right? Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Okay. I've pulled yet another name out of the bucket of destiny. And the name that I've pulled is Sam Walker. Sam Walker. Hey. Put a gun against his head. Pulled that trigger, now he's dead. Come on, guys. Sam Walker, everybody.

Excited to be here. This is a good-looking crowd. I haven't seen this many good-looking people in one place since the judge called all the witnesses at my indecent exposure trial. Don't worry, I got off. A little bit about me. I like to walk the streets at night.

And pleasantly surprise people by not attacking them. Let's talk about my sex life here for a minute. There are two very distinct traits that I look for in a lover. Weak and vulnerable. Wow. Sam Walker, ladies and vulnerable. Wow. Sam Walker, ladies and gentlemen. Ty, sure you can forget about that

set of the night thing so far that I told you two minutes ago. Wow, Sam Walker. Very impressive. What a funny fucking character you are, sir. How long you been doing stand-up? Be five years in March. Damn right it shows, my man.

Let's check in with we're gonna check in with Prince Harry. It's nice to finally know that OJ did not actually murder that woman. Yeah. Wow. So let's talk about it.

Your character seems very much like who you are. How close are the two? It's just the volume turned up to 100. But it's at like 89 right now, though. It can go higher. Yeah. Whoa, don't You can go higher. Yeah. Whoa, don't give me that look. I am both weak and vulnerable

right now. I really hope we find out this is Sacha Baron Cohen. My goodness. You have a real fanny pack there, Sam. What's inside of it? Condoms and Vicodin. Wow.

I'm going to need one of each. My goodness gracious. Sam, five years all here in Calgary? Yeah, I started here in Calgary, but I started touring the world. Yeah, you did. How'd you get to tour the world? You just took yourself? No, I got to open for motherfucking Jason Rouse.

Oh, that's great. That's awesome. Jason Rouse, a legend. Absolutely. Good friend of mine. And you went around the world with him. That's very cool, right? Yeah.

Where'd you guys get to go? Anywhere special? They almost didn't let me into him. That's very cool. Right? Yeah. Where'd you guys get to go? Anywhere special? They almost didn't let me into Sweden. Oh my goodness. Is that your agent over there? Who's that guy? That's my number one supporter, Marty. His wife built this for you.

Oh wow, thank you. Those are the nice people over at Rebel State Designs. I'm going to check back in with Prince Harry. Yes, question for you. How do you look like a Boy Scout at the bottom, Freddy Krueger in the middle, and Theo Vaughn at the top?

That's very good. That is a great question. How do you do that? Getting roasted by beans over here, the musical fruit. Wow. Wow.

My goodness, Scott. So you live here in Calgary? Yeah, born and raised. Very cool. What else? What else should we know about you? Anything else interesting about Sam Walker that this sold-out capacity audience

here in your hometown should know? I used to be married. Yeah? To a woman. What happened there? Where is her body? It's obviously not in your hair. No one talks to my man like that!

You come at beans, you come at the royal couple. My goodness. It's a revolutionary war happening up here right now. Fair's fair. Very good You in town tomorrow night?

You're goddamn right I am How about you come here? I have two stand up shows You want to open up for me? Daddy I'd love to There you go How about that? Well then we'll see you tomorrow

7 and 10pm here At the Laugh Shop, Calgary, Canada. There goes Sam Walker. Sam Walker live. Yes. That was awesome. There you go. Tomorrow night, that guy will have a new biggest credit.

Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian. Clearly anything can happen. His name is Tim Anderson. Tim Anderson. Here we go. From far back in the room. Oh, wait, no. Stunt double. Here he go. From far back in the room. Oh, wait, no.

Stunt double. Maybe here he is. Tim Anderson, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Everybody, come on. One time, make some noise for Tim Anderson. I got to tell you about my ex-girlfriend. She had crazy eye.

Left eye was normal. Right eye, more like a divining rod. Making love to her was great. It was the only time I didn't have to think about where to look. When she orgasmed, the eye would straighten out. And we could lock eyes. All four of them.

She was amazing at texting and driving. Not so good at directions, though. She'd point left. Just take the next three rights. She's amazing. She didn't mind that people made funny faces behind her back, because she fucking started it. You liked that one. That was good.

Her kryptonite was the House of Mirrors. Sure. Hold on. Was the house of mirrors Sure hold on Was the house of what Her kryptonite was the house of mirrors Turned out to be the perfect breakup spy I got her lost inside And I fucked up and yelled I'm breaking up with you I just left her there

I know dick move But I just couldn't fucking look her in the eye Eyes There you go Tim Anderson I know dick move, but I just couldn't fucking look her in the eye. Eyes. Eye. There you go. There you go. Tim Anderson. You were finished.

You were finished when the cat meowed. You just didn't know it. I like your style, Tim. You're well put together, yet somehow out of this crazy crew, you're the creepiest guy that's been up here all night. I get that a lot. Somehow. I mean, the last guy

was clearly doing a little bit of an exaggerated character, but you look like you have literal skeletons in your closet. What's the name of the high school

you hang out in front of? I have a shotgun. You do have a shotgun? Yeah. Oh, wow. How many do you have? Only two. Only two.

Just in case fucking two male ladies ever come into your house at the same time. She seems so nice, though. Right. No, I'm kidding. So what do you shoot? What do you tend to shoot? Just targets. I just practice because I keep missing my ex-wife.

Oh, wow. Are you really missing your ex-wife? Yeah, I tried a couple times. How long were you married for? Which time? Both times. About nine years. Each? Yes.

And how do these things usually end? And by the way, follow-up question, is this why you have two shotguns? I can't use the other one again, that's all. Right. You have to bury one in the snow somewhere. Fingerprints. So let's talk about it. How do these usually end?

Never good. Sure. A lot of lawyers. But what makes it, how does it usually, okay, so what's happening in year eight of these relationships? You still fucking, what's going in year eight of these relationships? You still fucking? What's going on, Tim? Be honest here.

Just let it out. It's going to make you feel better afterwards. Number one, it was just a really bad choice in life. Number two was also a really bad choice in life. I just didn't realize that the medication would actually wear off. Their medication? Yes, theirs. Oh, right.

They got tolerance to it. What kind of medicine did you have them on? Chloroform? I did not use Vicodin. Yeah. Uh-huh. Lithium. Lithium.

So they were a little bit bipolar. Yeah. Right. But this is what you fell in love with originally, right? You guys, at the beginning of these relationships, you guys are drinking, you're having fun, things like that, right? Am I close to right about this?

No, met her on medication. She was good on medication. I'm talking about, I just asked you a specific question. In the beginning of the relationships, you guys are having fun times, partying, drinking, right? Always fun. Right. And then it starts to fade a little bit,

and then they get on the medicine, right? I think you're telling me about you. No, I'm telling you about you and it's bothering the fuck out of you right now. It's great. But yes, I know all of these things from life experience. You are correct. However, this is about your life. You seem a little bit shy up here talking about it.

Yeah. So this most recent one, when did this divorce happen? About nine years ago. Everything happens in nines with you. I know, it's nine, nine, nine. My goodness gracious. All right, Tim. So what do you do for work?

You're a private investigator. I also work for a laundry company, but I manage people. What? Tim, take off. I also work for a laundry company. Getting blood out of stuff or what? And I manage people. What do you do with laundry?

I just really boss people around. That's all I do. What do you mean? I'm the boss and I tell the guys what to do. That's basically it. I help them. I hold a lot of hands. Those guys, they don't know what they're doing.

They don't know how to do laundry? Sounds easy, but it seems so hard. You ever think about hiring women for this job? I always get divorced. I can't help it. I mean, if I was going to start a dishwashing company, I wouldn't have a bunch of fucking dudes working it. You know what I mean?

It's always a dude in the kitchen though absolutely no i know i'm kidding they they work harder um just a basic fact women with their old they come in with a brace on their wrist two weeks into the job i'm gonna need workers comp for this i need and i want pay. Anyway, just kidding, ladies. That's a joke. I love you. I love you so much that I know how insane the relationships that this guy has been through are. So, Tim, you've worked in laundry for how long now?

Seven years. Wow, that's a full load. Sorry. Oh, God. So stupid. Laundry jokes. I don't ever get to do them. Because it's so boring.

And before that, did you enjoy doing IT work for bowling leagues? Oh, there you go. I got big balls, that's all. Do you ever think about writing any jokes about what you do in the laundry business? Because if you do any of those, I may tag one or two of them. May tag.

That's a real... Wow, I didn't see that one coming. May tag laundry joke, ladies and gentlemen. Some of these jokes are drier than others. You know what I'm saying? Bravo. I almost passed out trying to think of more laundry jokes just then.

Wow. So, but no, you never thought about performing that? Not yet. Right. I think you should. I think you should talk about what you know. You know what I mean? I can always talk about the course. And look, I mean, look at this crowd.

No one knows more about whites than you do, right? It's very, perhaps you could go to Vancouver and perform in front of some colored loads. Hey. I know. So stupid. Bacon soda. Wow. I didn't realize that... Who is that?

The Migos? Baking soda? Who is that? Who says baking soda? Don't ask me. It's just mumbling. It's the Migos? OC Genesis.

Huh? OT Genesis. Wow. I didn't realize he's yelling through a tin can on this episode. Can you hit that again? Wow. The sound here at the Hotel Blackfoot is... Anyway, Tim, anything else crazy that we should know about you?

Any fun facts about you or your life? Anything that you've ever accomplished or done? Any special skills or talents? Any crazy story about your family that you think makes you different than anybody that's ever been on the show before? It doesn't make me any different, but families are the worst. That's why I live in Calgary. They live in Vancouver. It's a very safe distance.

How long did you hang out with them? Until you were nine? Why do you not like your family? What's the first thing that pops in your head when I ask that question? Because we're related. And they are terrible people. What makes them so terrible? Can you give us one example? Because I'm the youngest

and I have to do everything. You have to do everything? No matter what it was. Like what? Other than the laundry. We know you're doing it was. Like what? Other than the laundry. We know you're doing the laundry, but what else? Definitely doing the laundry. But I have three sisters and they're all older,

so they just treated me like... And they just hung you out to dry, huh? Damn, Tony. Come on. Come on, guys. Come on. What are the older sisters like? They've never done anything nice for you?

Yes, they were. I was a spoiled, rotten, stupid little kid until I was nine. But then they just weren't very nice to me. Then the tides changed. Hey, yeah. That's right.

The laughs was set to low on that one. It's better than the color load. It doesn't work when you do it. But hey, you know what, Tim? This is what it's all about. It's about giving it a shot, getting out of your comfort zone, doing some... This was your first time ever

doing stand-up, right? Third time. Oh, okay. Sorry. No, I'm kidding. It's fun times, Tim. Like I said, talk about what you know,

you know what I mean? Give us some real substance. What the fuck did you talk about? Nothing. I wrote down nothing. Crazy ad girl. Yeah. You know what I mean? Get out there and be you down nothing. Crazy ad girl. Yeah. You know what I mean? Get out there and be you,

Tim. You're a special guy. Talk about what you look like or whatever the fuck. You know what I mean? You look like a goddamn Canadian newscaster or something like that. Whatever that means. I'm not exactly sure. We have a guy where we're from called Fritz Coleman that nobody here would know, but it would

kill at the comedy store in LA if I called you Fritz Coleman that nobody here would know, but it would kill at the comedy store in L.A. if I called you Fritz Coleman. But not here. Oh, we got that bingo card from Laugh-O-Money? Yeah, it's the Pauly Shore bingo card. Fritz Coleman has been called for references that nobody knows. That's funny.

All right, Tim, but like I said, you know what I mean? If it brings you any joy at all, then get out and do it more often than you're doing it now. And then come back again and show us all how much you can improve. Tim Anderson, everybody. There we go. Hey, Tony. There goes Tim Anderson. You know, the guy that was on before him,

I asked Jason Rouse any fun facts about him, and he goes, oh yeah, his dad was a cop, but found out later in his life that he was just a stripper at a gay bar. Wow. Is that true? Is that true, Sam? Sam just

killed himself finding out that information. He's no longer with us. This looks like a fun name. Let's see what's going to happen here. Make some noise for Lahan Olawale. Lahan Olawale. Lahan Olawale. Make some noise for Lahan Olawale.

Thank you. Thank you. So I recently surveyed 100 women with the question, do you pee when you take a shower? And 100 of them said, what are you doing in my shower? And then peed. and a hundred of them said, what are you doing in my shower? And then peed. So I'm African, West African actually, and I have a lot of white friends. And all my white friends ask me, hey Lahan, how do you tell the difference between Africans?

And I tell them, just count the flies. I can make that joke, all right? I can make that joke. All right, all right, I have one last one. So this is a dark one, unlike my last joke. Jeffrey Epstein killed himself, right? All right. All right. Do it.

There was a report that came out and said that Epstein tried to kill himself originally, but sort of quit. Then he gained a lot of weight, went into depression, but sort of quit. And then he gave, he gained a lot of weight, went into depression, and tried again and succeeded. Right? My joke, it's a dark one.

Do you think... Jesus Christ, Lahan. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. I gotta fucking know the joke. I don't know what all that extra setup's for. I have no idea what you're thinking. You just did 35-second-long setup, and then stop. I gotta fucking know the joke. I don't know what all that extra setup's for. I have no idea what you're thinking. You just did 35 second long setup and then you said, now back to the joke. There's no way you needed that.

But go ahead, just do the joke. And then I'll see, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it needed it. But go ahead, please, just do the joke. So your dark joke is, Jeffrey Epstein. Do you ever wonder if fat people choke out faster?

I guess so. I'm sorry. That was so un-nice. Sorry. Lahan, absolutely, you were killing throughout that entire set, and then you decided to squeeze in that wackadoodle joke at the end.

I was not expecting to see someone that looks like you up here tonight. Yeah, no, I didn't realize that here in Canada they still make you guys sit in the back or something like that. It's true, he wasn't up here. I don't see anybody black up here. So let's talk about it. Lahan or Lahan? It's Lahon. And what kind of West African are you?

Nigerian. Oh, okay. Interesting. And what brings you here to Canada? Came for school originally. We graduated. Camper school? No, came for school.

Came for school. Okay. What kind of school did you go to? Camper school. I don't know. We don't have, for those of you wondering, like, what happens sometimes if you're listening to the podcast, sometimes there's a thing called a monitor on a stage, which is a speaker, which points back at us so we can clearly hear what's happening. Other than that, normally the speakers are facing another direction of the audience.

Sometimes we don't get to hear if people say all the same words quickly. We can't hear up here. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. A couple fucking YouTube fans in the audience here. Ha ha ha ha.

He explained something. What a loser. Anyway, so Lahan, you are Nigerian. You're in Canada. And what did you come to school here to study? Engineering. Engineering. Heck yeah.

What are you engineering? Chemicals. Oh, wow. What kind of chemicals? Oil, mostly. Oil? Heck yeah. What are we talking about? Are we talking about cocoa butter or something like that? Oh, mostly. Oil? Yeah. Heck yeah. What are we talking about?

Are we talking about cocoa butter or something like that? Oh, my. The best one. Very good. You ever perform here before? You have a black foot. What is that noise? What are these groans I keep hearing?

These groans of you people. You're not in Canada anymore, all right? If we're here for this night only, this is America. You're all Americans for a night, and we don't fucking groan just because a joke's good and edgy. You either laugh or you don't laugh. He has a black foot. We're at the black foot. That's a laugh. I respect it.

It was a good one. You didn't mind my edgy laundry jokes earlier. Yeah, we were just having loads of laughs back then. That one made them fold. You guys are pressing me.

All right. So, Lahan, how's engineering going? Good? How long have you lived here in Canada? I'd say about six years. About six years. And you came straight from Nigeria? Yeah.

You learned English there? Well, yeah. Yep. Official language. You speak it incredibly well. You speak English better than most of the Canadians that have been up here tonight. It's mind-blowing. So what have you been doing for fun?

I mean, this must be an incredibly abrupt change from Nigeria. Yeah. This is the opposite of Nigeria. Okay. Yeah. Right? Nigeria. Okay, yeah. Right? In some ways, yeah. Yeah. Tell us how it's most different. First,

oh, actually, the first time I got here, I got on a plane and it was cold. Wait, what? What's that mean? It was cold. It means no worries. All right.

Classic. Yeah. I'll take it. Classic indeed. So it was cold. Doesn't get that cold in Nigeria. What else? And at the airport, what really freaked me out

was someone opened the door for me. Oh, someone opened the door for you. Was it the mail lady from earlier? Have you never seen a door before? Nigeria, they just have openings.

Right? Nothing. They just have openings. Right? Nothing. They just have mosquito nets raised. You actually do. You do. Yeah, I know. I know. I know.

So in what ways is it the same? Let me ask you that. In which ways is Calgary like Nigeria? Just so that all the racists in the room can really hate themselves for a little bit. There's no way we're the same as them. We got better blood running through our veins. That's my impression of you guys, not me, by the way. Let me remind you, that's me as a Calgary manly man. So I find that once you get the language right,

once you know how to communicate to people, it's pretty much the same thing. Yeah. People just treat you the same way. Yep. Good people. All right. So let's talk about it.

Here's my next question. You know I'm going there. How many little innocent white Canadian pussies have you destroyed? My goodness. Oh, my God. Oh, you just looked right up into the lights. Oh, no, you were looking at the clock. You're like, how much longer can this episode be?

My goodness. Let's face it. You are the Lexington Steel of Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Okay. I'll take it. I mean, because let's just be honest here. I mean, it can't be easy even trying to find a black woman in these parts. Am I right?

I mean, there can't be a ton of them. We all huddle together. Oh, you are? It's pretty easy to find them in these parts. Am I right? There can't be a ton of them. We all huddle together. Oh, you are? It's pretty easy to find them in the snow. Wow. My goodness. When you say you guys are all huddled up together, what are we talking about? You live near a forest lawn or something like that?

He means a literal huddle at the football games. They play sports together. They don't get football jokes here, Joel. Oh, yeah, no. Even though they're Americans for the night, it's not going to work. It's hockey or nothing at all. So what are we talking about here? What's the ratio white women to black women that you've had in the last six years since you've come to Canada?

Just be honest. Just be honest. None of these people are going to hurt you. It's like 10 to 1. 10 to 1. The sound of a normal white guy being like, oh, shit! Yeah, dude.

That's why all these women stop fucking their boyfriends and husbands here. Lahan moved into town. That's right. Why would they fuck their nerdy laundry-doing husbands when they can fuck you? Let's check in with Prince Harry. Can I just say, La Honda forever. Wow.

I like that. I like that. I like that. My goodness. My goodness. So have you been in a relationship with any of these girls? Shortly. Yeah, shortly. About 30 minutes in the bedroom, that's it.

My goodness. Have you ever, have you noticed that you've hurt some of them? Have they ever been like, oh, go slower like that? No, no. Okay, okay. So the answer is yes. Without a doubt.

Sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes. Do you go slower or do you teach them a fucking lesson? You have any special tricks when you're poutine-ed in them? Oh, come on, Joel. Joel. Joel.

There is one thing and trust me, I've tried. There is one thing, and trust me, I've tried. There is one thing these people will not let you joke about, and it's poutine and the way they say, what is it? Sorry? Yeah, whatever that is, yeah. That's the first Boo-berg chant I've ever heard. Yeah, Boo-berg. I don't give a fuck.

Oh, all right. So you have plans to go back home anytime? Yeah, yeah. It costs a lot of money. It does? Yeah. What kind of price are we talking about? What kind of price?

You don't even have to answer. I did the joke. It was just for the joke. I said what kind of Price, are we talking? Anyway. Well, Han, so much fun, man. Anything else we should know about you before we let you go? Any fun facts about you?

This was my first time on stage. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Really? Thank you. Wow. I almost didn't sign up. Wow. I literally was not going

to and when you called my name I literally was not going to come up but I just fuck it great job magical and that's why the bucket of destiny is called the bucket of destiny because of moments and cool things like this

Lahan you are an incredibly great spirit and very, very, very naturally funny. Congratulations to you. Come back. Hell yeah. Come back again, anytime. Lahan Oluwole, everybody. There he

goes. Wow. And he just disappeared. Yeah, he's gone. Oh, the dancing queen. Interesting. Hell yeah. How about one more time for Lahan Olawale, everybody?

So cool. I love that. Okay. Your next comedian goes by the name of Austin Van De Kamp. Austin Van De Kamp. Austin Van De Kamp. Austin Van De Kamp. Here he comes.

Austin Vandekamp. Here he comes. One more time, Calgary, for Austin Vandekamp. Hey, hey, guys. How are you? Good, good. Nice to hear. I was writing at the pub the other night, just writing some jokes, and this guy at the bar was like, hey, man, what are you doing? I was like, oh, I'm just kind of guy at the bar was like, hey, man, what are you doing?

I was like, oh, I'm just kind of writing and stuff. And he's like, oh, what are you doing? I'm like, oh, I'm a stand-up comedian. He goes, oh, funny guy, huh? I'm like, yeah, I guess. I don't know. Whatever. And he's like, oh, you don't seem that excited about it. I was like, I don't know. I'm just not really into it right now. Kind of tired about it. Kind of sad. He goes, oh, fuck.

Well, why don't you just become a firefighter? And I was like, you know what? That's some pretty good advice, man. Goddamn, you're right. I should just give it all up. What the fuck am I doing? Why am I here? Right then and there.

And then he goes, you know why you should be a firefighter? And I was like, I don't really know. No. Why? He goes, because if you're a firefighter, you can fuck anything that moves. Boy or girl, it's all in-house. I don't... Heck, like I said, guys, I couldn't help but think, this is some

of the best advice I've ever gotten in my goddamn life. Alright? This is my last set tonight. This is my last set. I got a friend who just uh austin vandekamp there you go welcome buddy welcome hey how long you been doing stand-up comedy for uh i've been doing it for like two and a half years two and a half years how old are you i am 24 ah yes very cool very cool started here in calgary yeah yeah i moved from uh small city, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.

Oh, yeah. Saskatoon. The birthplace of one of my favorite mentors and friends, the great Rowdy Roddy Piper. Did you know that he was born there? Yeah, 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alleged. Yeah, yeah, definitely.

One of my favorite human beings of all time, the late, great WWE Hall of Famer, Rowdy Roddy Piper. He taught me to keep the whites of my eyes white. Yeah. Really? He's the one that taught you that? Yeah. He does the Visine thing probably every half hour.

Clear eyes. Clear eyes. Does that not affect you more, though? Doesn't that start to fuck up your eyes more and more? Yeah, that's what I heard. Right? That's what I thought. Yeah, well, look at you guys with your fucking red eyes.

Yeah, but it's like, I don't have red eyes. People are like, are you high? I'm like, no. You know, it's good. You do look high. You don't smoke pot? I do smoke pot, yeah. Okay, yeah.

So you are high. I was high earlier today, yeah, but not anymore. It wired off. I look that. I think so. I don't know. Okay, cool stuff, Austin. So what do you do for work?

I do stand-up, and then I work at the bank part-time. What do you do at the bank? I was an account manager, and now I'm just back to a bank teller. Uh-oh. What happened? I don't know if I could talk about it. No, nothing happened. I just wanted to do more comedy.

And so I just was going to quit. And then they were like, well, can you do this instead? Very cool. Very exciting. Yeah, very fun. Very fun. And comedy is going good for you? I think so.

I don't know. I don think so. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. What do you mean? Are you getting gigs? Are you doing good at open mics? Do you feel good about it? I feel good about it.

I do my own show and stuff like that. Oh, by the way, the word I was thinking of that you're not allowed to make fun of them about is the word aboot. I remembered it during his set because I could tell that he literally had to try to say it properly. I noticed. At one point, you're just speaking normally and then this one guy's talking about... It's like I could tell you really had to fucking...

You guys have to remind yourselves to speak like fucking Americans sometimes. Because of South Park? Is that the reason? No. It's a chicken and the egg thing. South Park came after because they just do that here. It's very bizarre. I was trying to think of the word.

I thought it was sorry, but it's not. It's a boot. No, it is sorry. Sorry is a big one, too. Yeah, but it's poutine and a boot are the two things Canadians will be like, fuck you! I think it's Putin, though. I think they call it Putin now.

I think that's the official. It doesn't matter to us. We're leaving on Sunday. It doesn the official. It doesn't matter to us. We always, we're leaving on Sunday. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. We're in Vancouver for one night at the end of February. It's Putin to us.

Prince Harry. Has anyone ever told you you look like one of the kids from Home Improvement grown up? Appreciate it. Who? We just got that show. I love it. I Appreciate it. Who? We just got that show. I love it. I love it. Or Sean from Boy Meets World. You ever got that? You guys don't have that out here. Fuck.

I don't know what they're saying, but to me, you look like you take six naps a day. That's what I would say. That's the joke. If I were going to make a joke about you, that's the joke I would say. Yeah, definitely. You always look like you just woke up from a nap in your car. You nap in your car a lot? I do, yeah.

That's right. Thank you very much. Let's check in with Prince Harry. Yeah, he looks like Donnie Darko if he was a lesbian. That's a good one. That's good. I agree with that 100%. You look like you have hat hair but have never owned or worn a hat.

What do your parents do for work? My dad's a manager at a grocery store and then my mom just became a doctor a few years ago. Wow, your mom just became a doctor. What kind of doctor? She's like a

general physician. I don't know. So she does like eMERGE, family, all that. She's in it for the pills. Yeah. I don't know. So she does like Emerge, Family, all that. She's in it for the pills. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't get any of it, though. So it's kind of, yeah. What do you like to do for fun? Any hobbies other than comedy?

Yeah, I skateboard. Surprise. And then, yeah, that's pretty much it. Like skateboard, I like to write, do that, hang out with friends. It's pretty much it, man. Why'd you say surprise like that after the skateboarding thing? You think you look like a skateboarder? I look like a failed skateboarder, yeah.

Like someone who's like, I was trying to go pro. Out here, is it called snowboarding? They do have that. We're checking in with Prince Harry. I hate to tell you this, you don't look like a skateboarder, but you do look like you got sponsored for being homeschooled. That's true. I agree. You do look like you got a sponsorship

for being homeschooled. Who is your sponsor? Is it Infinite CBD? It might have been, yeah. I think it was Infinite, because it's really good for anxiety and depression. Absolutely. They can go to InfiniteCBD.com use the code TONY15 and save 15% right now.

I broke my shin the other day and I just put that shit on. Yep. And now it's no longer broken. It also makes you have huge calf muscles.

You said your dad manages a grocery store? Yeah. Are they hiring delivery drivers? They are. What kind of grocery store? What's the name of the grocery store? Yeah. Are they hiring delivery drivers? They are. What kind of grocery store? What's the name

of the grocery store? Superstore. Superstore? Yeah. Oh my goodness. Yeah, Superstore. Isn't that a TV show? It is a TV show, yeah,

but they started first. That's what they called the real community. Fuck it. Right. Yeah, they should. They should go for it. They totally should.

That's a great idea. So anything else interesting we should know about you before we let you go? You little Harry Potter after LASIK eye surgery? Yeah, yeah, no, I'm definitely, I'm a Harry Potter. I'm the Harry Potter, but I do your taxes. You know what I mean? Like, I give up magic. Yeah, no, nothing exciting. No, no, I'm definitely, I'm a Harry Potter, if I, like, I'm the Harry Potter, but I do your taxes, you know what I mean? Like, I give up magic. But yeah, no, nothing exciting, no, no.

Huh, how about your, you have a girlfriend? I do, yeah, yeah. Yeah? How long you been with her? I've been with her for three years now. Yeah. Three years, yeah. What's the thing you like the most about her? Uh.

What do you like the most about her? Yeah. I like that she's not from here. That's about it. All right, all right, all right. No, give us an answer. Give us an answer. What's the thing you like the most about her?

I like that she's just, like, cool and likes that I'm doing comedy and doesn't think I'm a bum. That's about it. I would say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's cool like that. She's also Spanish, so she's really sexy. Oh, really? Is that true? Yes.

She here? For you. That was for you. The one with the glasses? I think that was a guy. I'm going to be honest. He's also Spanish. It I think that was a guy. I'm going to be honest. He's also Spanish. Wait, you're gay?

It was a dude with a beard. No, stop, stop, stop. I think it was. Does she look like Joel Berg? He's Spanish and sexy. Don't. Relax. All right, Austin.

My goodness. A lot of fun, dude. Congratulations. You started young. Look at all these people that have been coming up here tonight. They're older. Trying to get in the game now, and you're already doing it. Appreciate it.

Thank you very much. There he goes. Austin Van de Kamp, everybody. Absolutely. There he goes. There he goes. Hairless Potter, everybody. Hairless Potter, everybody. Hairless Potter.

Reaching deep in the bottom of the bucket. Did you see him fist bump me while I was playing? Did it work? Almost chipped my damn tooth. Like I'm playing the saxophone. I'll fist bump you later. Okay, pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like a fun one. Let's see what happens here.

Make some noise for Sam Bente. Sam Bente, another Canadian coming to the stage here on Kill Tony. Wow, he's running. Sam Bente. Here he comes. Sam Bente. I'm comes. Sam Benty.

I'm trying not to smoke as much weed recently. So I've been eating a lot of weed recently. I eat so much weed that my farts smell like Amsterdam. Like a little like pot, a little like a sex show, but also like wooden shoes and cheese for some reason. Nah. I've still been smoking a lot of pot. And that's because I got given a real crystal bong for Christmas. And I know it's real crystal because I do the wine glass test where it goes around the rim and it's like, but it's a real crystal bong, so it goes... Don't worry!

It's a real crystal! Crystal! Yeah. If you do that test and it plays Amy Winehouse, you got yourself a crack pipe. You got to throw that out. Thanks, Laka. Wow.

Sam Bente. That was great, dude. Congratulations. Look at that. Real performer. Came up and performed, enunciated projected wrote properly yeah I got a drama degree so I better use it

hell yeah absolutely why would you study all that drama if you're not going to use it for something no so Sam welcome welcome how long you been doing stand up like seven years very cool hell yeah you're from here in Calgary most of it here in Cal? I like it. Like seven years. Very cool. Hell yeah. You're from here in Calgary?

Yeah, most of it here in Calgary. I love it. It's one of my favorite things about the show. Alongside people doing it for their first times, doing good or bad, being surprised that they even got pulled out of a bucket, there's actual comedy veterans, solid comedians signing

up for the show tonight. That's so fucking cool. So seven years. Any crazy accomplishments in the seven years? Anything you're proud of? Oh, man. I've seen Sam Walker up here before. I got to do a few shows with him here in Alberta once. And, man, I got to tell you, one time we were driving to a show

and this other comic named Spencer wet-willied him. Oh, what happened? Oh, man, we were passing by Dead Man's Flats. Like, that's what it's called. And he's like, yeah, we gotta pull over behind the SO. What's an SO? Yeah, it's a gas station. Oh, okay.

Okay. Like a Wawa? I don't know what they got in the States. Sure, yeah, no, no. We have Saudi Arabian fuel in the States. But we go behind this gas station, and then he's like, yeah, Spencer, can I have a word with you outside the car?

And he walks like three meters, like 15 feet. And... But he starts talking to this guy, and he's shouting at him, and then all of a sudden they're hugging, and then they come back to the car, and there's still another half an hour until we get to the gig. And then we get there, and we talk to Spencer. He's like, what did Sam say to you? And he's like, dude, he was like,

if you ever put a finger in me again, you better buy me dinner first. Wow. That's so cool. And you would consider that one of your major life accomplishments? In

comedy in Canada, yeah. I love it. So seven years in the game. What do you do when you're not doing stand-up? I'm a kitchen manager at a pizza restaurant. Fuck yeah. Hey, that sounds good enough. As long as you can get out and do spots at night,

that's all that matters. So what else? How about hobbies when you're not working? What are we talking about? What do you do to relax, take your mind off of this strenuous life that you have? Oh, man. I love going to karaoke.

You do? Like singing. That's my favorite thing. What's your main go-to song on karaoke? Oh, I like doing like, each morning I get up, I die a little. Can't really stand on my feet. What is that? That's Somebody to Love by Queen, I think.

Somebody to Love, Queen. How's it going? I like doing everything. Oh, yeah, you got it. Oh, shit. Cats? Well, I got news for you, my friend. You're about to sing Somebody to Love right now in Calgary, Canada.

Oh, shit. Can anybody This will be our part. Find me Somebody to love Fuck yeah, Sam Bente, ladies and gentlemen.

Live in Calgary, Canada. Fuck yeah, Sam Bente, ladies and gentlemen. Live in Calgary, Canada. Each morning I get up, I die a little. Can't really stand on my feet. Take a look in the mirror. He's taking off his clothes. And I cry, Lord, what you doing to me? I've spent all my years believing you, but I just can't get no relief. Lord, somebody, somebody, can anybody find me?

Somebody, Lord. Yeah, how about that? Wow. That was good. The whole crowd got behind you on the somebodies and the big finish there. Exciting, Sam. You must get all the pussy here in Canada, huh?

Yeah, I'm not. Did you notice that stopped about six years ago? I hang out at Twisted Element too much for that. Oh, that's cool. So you're a Canadian gay man. No, I was running a comedy show actually out of there when I was living here last time. I just moved back to town.

So I'm just kind of in transition. Sam, it's okay if you're gay. You're allowed to say it just because you're... I know you're in Calgary around all these manly men and you feel like but I mean if they're dragging anybody behind their truck tonight it's probably Lahan from earlier

Lahan Olawale and while you groan he's laughing you fucking idiots while you groan he's laughing just to let you fucking weirdos know but yes grown away you're so polite Jesus

sounds like you're gay now Sam my goodness gracious a lot of dudes hit on you back when you used to run that show at the Twisted Element a couple yeah I had a mustache for November, so that was bad, yeah.

Oh. Did you give any rides? Yeah. No? Depends on what they pay me. I don't know. Oh, goodness gracious. All right, Sam.

Wow. Well, fun times, dude. Unbelievable sets. Really great stuff. Thanks a lot. Congratulations to you. How much time do you have, you think, total, if you had to guess? Oh, yeah, like a half an hour. That's great. You want to do five minutes on the

two shows I'm doing here Saturday night? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Saturday. Saturday. Sweet. Thanks a lot, guys. You can be here Saturday? You can make it here Saturday 7 and 10 There you go Sam Bente everybody He's on Twitter

Sammy Ray Bente Man How about that He had one of those voices I didn't expect him to have that voice, like an MC Chris or something. Yeah, and that's something worth pointing out in a show where we don't do that that often is take note that the two veteran comedians have extremely defined voices and projections and styles. You can try to be cool, you know what I mean, and do good.

But the ones that are truly taking the most extreme chances are the ones that are hitting the most home runs. So think of that if you're ever thinking about doing this. You know, start fearlessly. You don't have to grow into it, you know what I mean? You can get better at it fast. So, you know, just something as a comedy fan, as comedy fans out there to pay attention to is, you know, maybe your style's slow. Maybe it's, whoa, I'm Sam Bente.

But you know what I mean? But it's about the differences and it's about owning it and staying in that pocket fearlessly that makes a great performer. How about one more time for Sam Bente, everybody? He's on social media at Sammy Ray Bente. Sam Walker is Sam Walker Live, by the way. I don't know if I got that out

there. And your next comedian, which anything can happen, goes by the name of Alan Paley. Alan Paley, everyone. Here we go. Here he is, Alan Paley, everybody. Come on. Thanks for the warm welcome, everyone. Looking at me, you might have a few questions. Is he some kind of asshole, hipster? Is he a terrorist or an out-of-work oilman? That's the one, yep. Times are tough out there.

It's hard to find a reason to get out of bed. For me lately, it's been Costco poutine. It's true. I mean, when it's tough to cope, drugs and alcohol, that's a little expensive. But Costco poutine, it's like $4.70, all the calories you need for a day. It works. But on the subject of drugs, I've done quite a few.

I've never done meth, but every time I see someone with sunken eyes wearing a hoodie, pedaling a really small bicycle full speed down the sidewalk, I think, that looks pretty awesome. I got divorced a little while ago, and I had to live in a warehouse. I thought it was going to be like living in a Fast and Furious movie. Basically, it was me just showering under a garden hose taped to the top of the ladder. Okie dokie. Alan Paley.

Hi, Alan. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up for? First time. Very good. Alan Paley. Awesome. Awesome. Congratulations. Thank you. Hell yeah. How old are you?

I just turned 38. 38 years old. Like last week. Hell yeah. You don't look a day over 56. That is awesome. Incredible. So 38 years old.

What do you do for a living? Well. years old. What do you do for a living? Well, as an unemployed oilman, I just deliver food mainly, but when the oil patches roar, I'm a petrotechnical consultant. Petrotechnical consultant. Fuck yeah. There's guys losing their minds back there.

Just fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oil. These guys literally cheering for a substance that comes out of the ground. That's incredible. Yeah, fuck yeah. I'm gonna start the auto starter on my truck.

Warm it up. Jesus. Some tough guys out here in Calgary. And then there's Sam Bente. Yeah. So, Alan's Sam Bente. Yeah. So, Alan, this is fun. You look like Jimmy Kimmel after he retires

and goes, like, Letterman style. Just, like, grows out his beard, doesn't give a fuck anymore. Nice. Nah, I guess so. That's after he retires. He's already older than you, so it's actually a huge insult. Probably won't retire for another 20 years,

so I'm putting you at about a 70-year-old Jimmy Kimmel, is what I just called you. Anyway, but you said nice, so I'll rack it up as nice, me being a nice guy. So Alan Paley, you work in oil, but now you're unemployed. Why are you unemployed? It's just tough. I mean, when the oil patch slows down, you don't get those big day rates.

What is an oil patch? It's a time of the year or something? Oil patch is a colloquial expression for the energy sector here in the province. You mean when the oil goes dry? No. Well, it's a... Jesus Christ, listen to the oil guys losing their mind. What do you mean you don't know?

Fuck you. Tesla, baby. Tesla, baby. Oh, yeah, Tesla. Because you own a Tesla, you don't know how oil works. Very good. Yeah. Because you didn't have gas-powered cars.

I'm going to put them out of business someday. Yeah. Welcome to another episode of No Shit Sherlock. But until they stop self-driving themselves into ditches, I'm going to stick with my Corvette. Thank you very much. All three of them. Anyway, Alan Paley. So what do you like to do for fun?

You seem like you might be into some fly fishing yourself. I'm not that outdoorsy, actually. Lately, my hobby has been building computer systems for video editing. I just sit at my desk. Are you anonymous? I'm getting anonymous vibes from you right now. I'm not.

Shadiest thing you've ever done on your computer. Tell the truth. Don't overthink it. Just go right into it. The more honest it is, we'll feel it. Don't overthink it. Just go right into it. The more honest it is, we'll feel it. Don't overthink it. Go right ahead. Like cyberbullying, I guess.

Oh! All right. Here's the big follow-up question. Again, I implore you not to hesitate. Straight from your gut. Just let it rip. Who have you cyberbullied that we would know? Yaniv.

Who? What? Okay, there's a person in the media who's got some headlines here. A really gross transgender woman who insisted that she get her balls waxed by spa people. Oh my god. Alright. You know what? Maybe you should have thought about it a little bit before blurting that out. My goodness.

Out of all the crazy men in this audience, I can't believe you're the one cyberbullying a transgender woman. I know. And you would say that on a podcast. But I guess so. You know, out there working in the oil field, it rubs off on you. I mean, it's... I thought it was going to be like a comedian or an actor or something.

I was actually setting him up totally thinking he was going to say me. And yet he goes like, no, you mean this dirty transgender woman. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. But then what? you mean this dirty transgender woman? I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Whoa. But then what?

Then you jerk off to transgender porn and it makes you feel all even Stevens about it, right? Because there's something about it that you like, right? I think cyberbullying might have been an overly harsh term. You mean trolling. I think gross transgender was probably the harsh term. Yeah. You fucking idiot.

That is true. So what makes her a gross transgender woman to you? Are all transgenders gross to you? This is really interesting. I think this one in particular got a little bit of heat for being icky. Why is she icky? Because Yaniv was, as a boy, creeping on 14- and 15-year-old girls.

When he was a kid? When he was a grown man. So he was over 18. Yeah, he'd do stuff like leave voicemails for girls like, I'm Elmo. Elmo want to see your titties bounce up and down, up and down. Wow.

How do you know about all this? Were you checking their voicemails or something? Does no one... I was pretending to be a 15-year-old online. Hold on. I want to know what that one lady right over there just yelled.

I'm just curious. I couldn't hear you, but you said it with a lot of passion. What did you say? Yell it again. It's okay. Wherever that came from. The one lady that just yelled. Everybody knows who you are now, lady.

That's the girl from... The 20-year-old wife girl, too, by the way. Okay, let's just give her a chance to answer. Okay, forget it. That wasn't the same lady. There was another lady. Everybody protected her after that. She has a section around her of people that respect her. So what's the kind of thing that you did to her online or him or whatever?

I posted a picture of Rachel Notley and said, this is Yaniv on the Face app. Oh, my God. Jesus, sir. No one cares what you think. You need more attention over there, buddy? Shut the fuck up. Everybody relax.

Everybody relax. It's always bad when we have multiple people yelling at once. My bad for asking the lady what she said. No one cares about your opinions back there. Yeah, pipe down. You're sounding like a gross transgender back there. All right. Alan, fun.

We appreciate your honesty. Congratulations on your first set ever. You let it rip here tonight. I found out who Yanif was because of you. And we appreciate you. Alan Paley, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Alan K.W. Paley.

P-A-L-E-Y. Yeah. Man, time is just flying here this episode. You guys think we should squeeze one more out of here, huh? All right. One more. But we mean it. This is all we can possibly do. Okay.

Your final comedian of the night, it appears, goes by the name of Rob McNair. Rob McNair. There's the groans around the sad people that didn't get pulled out of the bucket. A moment of relief for some. However, the stress now belongs to Rob McNair, who's making his way to the stage very nicely and slowly.

Here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Rob McNair. Rob McNair, So I'm in the bath the other day with my seven-year-old boy. He's a little fruity. He goes to me, Hey, Dad, I can touch my penis to your penis. I said, Come on. You don't do that with other boys. He said, Huh?

You do that with girls? I said, Yeah. He put his head under the water. He said, Oh, my God. Comes back up. He says, really? I said, yeah. That's how you make a baby.

Puts his head under the water and says, oh, my God. Comes back up. Says, does mom know? That's it? There you go. 49 seconds from Rob McNair. I don't know. First time doing stand-up? What made you want to do that?

Posterity. Prince Harry, let's talk about it. Go ahead. I felt like I've been, you know, listening that whole time, and that was harder to listen to than the news that my mother was killed by the paparazzi. My goodness. I didn't know Canada had a New Jersey.

Wow. My goodness. And it is true. You're sort of, it seems like Italian. Is that true? Or you just talk like that? You just talk like that. How did that end up happening? Montreal, East Coast.

What? Montreal, East Coast. I'm from Montreal. Oh, the East Coast. Montreal, there you go. One of those weird English guys. Yeah, you speak French as well? Let me ask you this, since you know French. How would you say that last name right there? She's all wrong. It's

Boutelier. That's exactly what I thought. Thank you very much. So Rob, what do you do in the oil business? You're going to laugh. I'm in the laundry business. You're in the laundry business? Oh my god. Jesus. All the jokes I have about laundry are all washed up at this point.

I can't even... What do you think? This is a fucking game? You didn't think I had more? You didn't think I had more? Yeah, do it again, Tony. Do it again. What the fuck do you do in the laundry business? And this is just proof that Canadians need to let Mexicans cross their border.

It's a bunch of white people up here doing their own fucking laundry. Hello, these people. Gotta meet Sergio, my man down in Los Angeles. This fucking guy's a machine. Everything's fucking perfectly, comes in tight plastic bags. All right, go ahead. What do you do with laundry?

Just an account manager. An account manager for laundry. You don't work, you don't know the guy that runs the laundry business? I do. You do? You came here with him here tonight? Yeah.

Wow, so that's crazy. So that's your boss. Everything you say, you need to say into the tip of the microphone. Just that much of the tip, though. Here you go. So that is so much fun. You work in the laundry business. That's the whole thing.

Interesting stuff. You had your first time on stage tonight. You guys are going to be able to talk about it. I think we should squeeze one more person out of this bucket to end the episode. We have to. Every once in end the episode. We have to. Every once in a while you just have to. We're going way too long. I'll say that.

We've gone over our time. Plus after this we are doing a massive meet and greet right here on this stage. We have posters, specific Calgary Kill Tony posters drawn by Ryan J. E. Belt that we brought, a very limited number. And we're going to sign those for you and take a picture with you if you want it

right after the show. Yeah, that line's going to start right over here behind Jeremiah. But before that, your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Byron Johnson. Byron Johnson. Byron Johnson. Please step back from that ledge. Here we go. Step back from that ledge, my dear friend. Here he is, Byron Johnson, everybody.

Guys, this is it. Your final comedian of Calgary's first ever Kill Tony, Byron Johnson. All right. Fentanyl destroyed the relationship between me and my mom. It's a weird story. Neither one of my mom or myself did it. But when my wife was having my little baby girl she she couldn't handle it after about 30 minutes of pain which is understandable so she cried out for the old true serum slash fentanyl and so after my little baby girl was born. She, yeah, I know. I was pretty crazy too.

She cried out for the fentanyl and she got it and my little baby girl was born and I'm looking around and I'm like looking at her head and my wife looks at me with her little syrup in her and she goes,

Jesus Christ, Brian, it's not hereditary. Your fucking mother didn't rule you. That's why you have a square head. Oh, Brian. It's not hereditary. Your fucking mother didn't rule you. That's why you have a square head. Oh, shit. That hurt. That's why I was mad at my mom for wrestling.

Oh, my goodness. Wow. So the big reveal there for anybody listening to the podcast is that he has a square head. And why is that again? It's apparently because it's, I'm assuming my mom didn't roll me or something. Roll you?

Yeah. You know that's not a thing, right? That's just a... Well, apparently my wife lied to me then. What does that mean, roll you? Well, apparently what I found out too as well is that I guess if you leave the baby too long on her back

Oh my god. And I have three older brothers. Prince Harry, you know this? He's confirming this. I can confirm this. We've hid a lot of royal children in the castles. With square heads. Wow, yeah, that Prince Andrew's into that type of thing

isn't he, it turns out. They should have banished you to a pineapple under the sea, man. Yeah, you do. You have Spongebob head. Yes. There you go. There it is. Wow.

I've known this squarehead thing because I have a friend of mine, his dad, for some odd reason. I moved here in Alberta 15 years ago, and every time I go back, I see his dad, and every time he sees me, his first words are, hey there, square head. You know that rolling thing's still not a real thing, though, right? You know what, Brian? You're making me feel better already. How do you know about this?

Wait, you think that? Oh, my God. Dave, you know Dave, the regular, Dave thinks limes are baby lemons, but he thinks that's real. No, that's a man being stupid. This is different. So you think if a baby lays too long

on its back that he's going to have a square head? I think that the point isn't exactly that he's laying there. I don't think that that makes their head turn into a square, but I think there's something sort of fucking off about this guy, and everything goes back to parenting at the end.

Adam laying on his stomach too long, lack of oxygen, right? I always thought that maybe she dropped all my other brothers because I have three older brothers, and I thought, okay, well, maybe she was just scared to pick me up. I don't know. Anyway, Byron, what do you do in the oil business? I don't work in the oil business. You laundry-doing motherfucker.

Let's talk about it. No. Let's do it. I think I just found out why your head is shaped like a box of bleach. Box of bleach. No, I actually build custom homes for a living, so I'm like, yeah. Square. Square, yeah. Square stuff, square walls. Absolutely. for a living. So I'm like, yeah. Square, yeah.

Square stuff, square walls, everything. Absolutely. Very good. And you've been doing that your whole life? Just building houses? I've been doing carpentry ever since I was like 10 years old. Right. It sounds, but yeah. Right.

You ever use your square head for anything? Like to make straight lines and things like that? A level? I can go up to a corner and go, yeah, that's plump. Joel said a level. You could use it as a level. Have you ever thought, take your hat off again. Let me see this fucking thing. Oh my god, it looks like a pack of cigarettes.

That's incredible. That is incredible. I've never seen anything just so perfectly square before. There's nothing I can do about it. I'm 39. It's like you just either take the jokes about it or just go on with it. Right, absolutely. My goodness.

Do you date a woman with a square head or something like that? No, I'm total opposite. Yeah, she's... Super round head. Yeah, super round head, yeah. Look like a balloon. Moon face. Yeah, my goodness gracious.

Where'd you meet her at? I met her ironically at a pub. Yes, that's so ironic. It's like rain on your wedding day. Which is ironic that you haven't done it. It's okay. Any special skills or talents that you have? Anything that you love to do that you can show off or anything like that?

Well, that's why I'm in the industry of building custom homes. I build million dollar homes for a living, so that's my interest. I own a couple companies that does I build cool shit and I just sell it online. That's awesome. You build any houses for anyone famous

that we might know, like Justin Trudeau or the goalie of the flames? I would never do that, no. You mean sex rooms for Justin Trudeau? Wow, that's so weird. My goodness. You guys don't like him, huh? It's a shame.

I don't blame you. I don't blame you. Down in America, we have a leader, too, but our economy is booming right now, so it must suck to be you. He's a big believer in oil as well. No, don't say that, sir. That makes it weird. He's just a very successful president. That's all he is.

Wow. Anything crazy we should know about your life other than your square head, Byron? Not that I can think of. I got some crazy drunk times in my days. Yeah, what's the drunkest dumb thing you've ever done? I went back home for a... I grew up in Nova Scotia, so I fly back there,

and I went back for a charity buggy run, and I got so drunk that I fell into the pothole where everybody was pretty much pissing every night, all night. Oh. So, yeah, yeah. I had to take, I took all my fucking clothes off at the party and just like hosed

me down in the middle of their lawn in the middle of summer. Yeah, that was... Oh my god. Wow, and with a square head that must be hard because you don't have like gutters on the side to let it run down. It just fucking... I had to look forward to get to my head. You son

of a bitch. Alright, Byron. First time doing stand-up, right? Second time. What happened the first time? Actually, it went pretty good, too. How long ago was that? No, I don't know because I blanked out.

It's different being up on stage compared to being down there watching everybody else do it. And I don't know because I blanked out. It's different being up on stage compared to being down there watching everybody else do it. I wasn't going to sign up tonight, but my wife said, you always told me you got nothing to lose, so just go up and fucking do it. Wow. Damn, look at that.

What a little support system. How lovely. Sounds like I'm going to get laid tonight, too. She has the confidence of a woman married to a man with a square head. She told you, go do it. Chase your dreams. Don't be a square. This episode brought to you by Squarespace.com.

Ladies and gentlemen, there goes Byron Johnson, everybody. That's it. We did it again. Thank you to Infinite CBD. Shout out to all the references that I didn't get to use tonight. Kensington, the Marlboro Mall, Calgary Stampede, the Crack Max. Oh, look at all these druggies. A lot of people don't know,

I do a lot of research on every city before doing an episode of Kill Tony. But, you know, we got to get through it. How loud can this place get? I can't believe it. He's all over the news, and he was here with us tonight. The great Prince Harry, Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. Why don't you turn around?

Do a 180 so that everybody can laugh at what Joel and I are laughing at. Come on, show them. It's so clearly a costume. He has the little opening in his back. Come on, show them. They're going to love it. Look at that. Jeremiah, go ahead.

Yes, I'll be in Buffalo, Syracuse, and Albany in February, and Las Vegas, and Huntington Beach, and a couple other dates, jeremiahwatkins.com. And then Krista Stefano and Giannis Papas from History of Hyenas are on Jeremiah Wonders, my guest this week. So look it up on youtube.com. That's right. Jeremiah Watkins. Absolutely. Jeremiah.

Jeremiah. Red Band and Joel have to catch a flight back to L.A. tomorrow, but Jeremiah is going to be here with me all weekend. Of course, we have Sam Walker opening, Jeremiah featuring on Friday, and Sam Bente opening on Saturday, Jeremiah featuring and me headlining, trying my best to squeeze as much new material out here in Calgary as I can, even though I come here once a year. Guys, ladies and gentlemen, he defended his throne once again,

the great Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody. He's mostly sorry on social media. He's an official Ludwig artist. Joel, first time in Calgary, Canada. What are your thoughts? I love you guys. Thanks for coming out. There you go.

Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. The fun train just keeps moving along for these road kill Tonys. We're going to Vancouver, Swansea, La Jolla, Ventura, Boston, and Austin coming up. Some other major announcements coming up. Other than that kill Tony in Vancouver. Vancouver has always been our probably pound for pound our biggest market almost

anywhere in the world. And you guys have a very special treat coming February 21st. That's at JFL Northwest in Vancouver. A giant 1300 seat theater that is almost already a month out,

completely sold out. Just a couple hundred tickets left there. And so, Canada, we always love you. We support the hell out of... We thank you for supporting us, I mean. And we love you. Thanks, guys. Love you guys. Thank you, guys.

Good night. Good night.ご視聴ありがとうございました