KILL TONY - KILL TONY #433

Episode Date: January 31, 2020

Bob Saget, Doug Benson, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, David Deery, Brandon Thompson, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 01/27/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Enterprise is right there with you, around the corner and around the globe. We'll keep you moving forward. Enterprise, for lives and drive. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to all the shows. And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live. We're at the Comedy Store every Monday at 8 o'clock, but we're always on the road. So click on tour dates to see where we're at next. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There

he has his own tour dates, like his comedy shows. He also has some merch up there. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, that's the house artist. He drew the Kill Tony book. He has a bunch of stuff for sale. Check out RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We got some Kill Tony shirts over there. We got some Death Squad hats and mugs. Check out ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. got some Death Squad hats and mugs, check out shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Fuck yeah, guys. We're here. Number one live podcast in the world. You excited on a Monday night? Great. The great Brian Redman is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, what's up, guys?

The podfather is here. The house artist, Ryan J. Ebeld, already drawing tonight's episode, sitting right there with a blank sheet of paper in front of him while the rest of you sit there doing less than nothing. He's drawing the episode. He draws every single episode, and all those are available at ryanjbilt.com including all the road posters because we go on the road all the time including a successful weekend in Calgary down the hatch after this weekend. So much fun. Our first ever Calgary

Kill Tony. And then our next one's also in Canada. Kill Tony Vancouver, February 21st. Kill Tony East, the second annual in Swansea, Massachusetts, right between Providence and Boston. February 29th, La Jolla, California, March 8th, after a weekend of stand-up there. I also do stand-up next weekend in Tempe, Arizona. Kill Tony Ventura, California, March 12th. Kill Tony Boston, April 9th, with stand-up shows on the 10th and 11th of April. And then from Boston to Austin, April 25th, Kill Tony, Austin, Texas, Moon Tower.

We are coming back again. Very exciting stuff. Shout-out to Vito's Pizza. How exciting is that? We have pizza every single week. It is delicious. Down on La Cienega Boulevard. Highly recommend Vito's Pizza.

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ZipRecruiter doesn't depend on candidates finding you. It finds them for you. And its technology identifies people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job. So you get qualified candidates faster. In fact, after posting his job to ZipRecruiter, Dylan said he was so amazed by how quickly great candidates were applying and found his new director of coffee in just a few days. He told all his friends. With results like that, it's no wonder four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. See why ZipRecruiter is effective for businesses of all sizes.

Try ZipRecruiter for free at our web address, ZipRecruiter is effective for businesses of all sizes. Try ZipRecruiter for free at our web address, ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash K-I-L-L-T-O-N-Y, ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Exciting stuff. As always, we have great, great guests, including next week a first-time KillTony guest, Michael Rappaport will be joining us

for the first time in this show's history. Very exciting stuff. Made friends with him last week at the improv. He saw me open up for Rogan, and then we ran into each other at the local coffee shop. He was at my coffee shop when we sat down and hung out and had a fucking

blast. Now he's on Kill Tony next week. But this is about tonight, right, people? You guys ready to maybe have some fun, huh? You guys like having fun? Ladies and gentlemen, our guests this week have been kept pretty much as top secret as it gets and for a great reason. This is a bucket list episode.

You guys are lucky enough to show up to here tonight. I present to you our two guests. One of them, legend, legendary guest here on Kill Tony up there with the record holders, his multiple time appearances, the great Doug Benson. And for his very first time on Kill Tony, ladies

and gentlemen, America's dad, former Comedy Store host of 10 years, Bob Saget. What? What? Wow. Wow. Wow.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is epic. We have waited six and a half years for comedy store icon Bob Saga to join us. And he's here. How are you, my man? I don't know. I'm an icon.

I hosted this room for eight years. Yeah. It was pretty humiliating. That was wonderful. It was great. But it wasn't as great as tonight. Kill Tony, that's the shit. We're so excited to have you. Thank you.

Everybody that comes to this show and listens to it knows I'm a real comedy store guy. You know what I mean? I started as a door guy here while doing spots and hosting the original. This show is actually loosely based off of the potluck show that happens over there where comedians do three minute sets and I would host and make fun of them in between sets or sometimes give them a note on how to be better. And it sort

of morphed into this. Shorter sets and more of us being silly. And yeah, you get it. Multiple time guests, ladies and gentlemen, Doug Benson is here. Yay, everybody! Doug wearing sunglasses this evening. Yeah, I decided

to, you know, I like the idea of no one knowing what I'm looking at. When I have the sunglasses on, people have they think I'm looking at two different things. And so when I have the glasses on, it have... They think I'm looking at two different things. And so when I have the glasses on, it's like, he could be looking anywhere. I'm staring right

at somebody right now. Sunglasses at night, indeed. Doug Loves Movies is traveling all around DougLovesMovies.com for tickets to that. And exciting stuff. Guys, in this box... I brought a support animal. You did? Well, no. I just painted this box... I brought a support animal.

You did? Yeah, well, no. I just painted my penis to look like a dog. Well, maybe we'll get to see that support animal at some point tonight. There's a lot of show left. Well, you can dream.

Oh, there it is. Wow, I hear it. Somebody stepped on it? Yeah. Try it. It's really Yeah. Try it. It's really cool. Golf shoes. We have a band on this show, guys.

Anybody know about the band? Oh, yeah. They are beloved here on Kill Tony. Every single week, they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. We have no forewarning. They have a separate green room, and we're going to find out what they are tonight.

Maybe it's a famous past character that we've seen before. Maybe it's brand new characters making their debut. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Kill Tony Band, the best damn band in the land. Jeremiah Watkins, Strobeburg Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Wait a second. Oh!

Oh! No! Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, you guys. Wow. Oh, my goodness. Is it weird that I'm getting an erection? Yeah, that dog's a pretty big dog you got there, Bob.

Well, when Stamos had the mullet back in the day, I'd hold on to it and ride him to Denver. That's what I did. Is this a family show? A lot of people here are trying to start one. My goodness, what a special treat. This is the first time we've had cast members from Full House on. I'm guessing you are Dave Coulier. Is that correct? Joey

Gladstone. Cut it out. Oh no. There we go. back here we have Danny. Danny, it's so good to see you, pal. Yeah, it's good to see you, Joey. How's Woodchuck, that thing I pal. Yeah, it's good to see you, Joey. How's Woodchuck, that thing I hate?

Oh, we got him right here on the panel. Doug Benson. Okie dokie. And all right, then. Next to you, we have what appears to be Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen if they live next to a nuclear facility. You got it, dude.

All right. It's an uncanny resemblance. It's insane. Look just like my dad. I just wish Mom was here. Well, she is. Her ashes are in here. Danny, you're incorrigible. And then back here here we have Jesse from Full House Telemundo.

Also known as Full Car. How's it going, Jesse? Have mercy. Oh, wow. In Spanish or whatever. There's the sound of a very loud chicken. It's like a roast in purgatory for me.

I want to thank the four people that laughed. Thank you. That's Jesse, and he's on drums. Yeah. That's what Stamos does. Yeah, I played for the Beach Boys for a while. Oh, that's right. And that's how your family got here,

was on the beaches, right? They swam from Mexico. You are Mexican Jesse. Tony, that's Cubans. That's how your family got here, was on the beaches, right? They swam from Mexico. You are Mexican Jesse. Tony, that's Cubans. Oh, all right. Well, there you go. He rode over here in a drum.

I love it. So the whole cast of Full House is going to be with us tonight. Doug Benson, Bob Saget, Brian and his soundboard, which brings me to this, ladies and gentlemen, the Bucket of Destiny. Wow. Brian and his soundboard, which brings me to this, ladies and gentlemen, the bucket of destiny. Wow. A ton of people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage tonight. You know how it works.

If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Wow. Sounds furious tonight. So let's just keep our time to a minimum there. And then we interview you. We talk with you about your life, try to find out more about you, what makes you special and different than everybody else that's ever been on here before.

And, yeah. So let's start the show, shall we? It's Kill Tony Live. Guys, you're at the number one live podcast. Can you make a little more noise than that? Can we? It's a Monday night. There we go.

Beautiful. That's the audience part. You'll smooth into the other parts where they didn't react. Yeah, we're going to edit that straight in. We need a lot of hard laughs. Yeah, we're going to edit that straight in. We need a lot of hard laughs. Yeah, we're going to use it. Welcome to these audience members coming in late, a family of 16 all rolling in together.

Looks like the rest of my family washed up on the beach finally, Tony. That's right, Jesse. I pulled a name out of the bucket. It makes a noise for your first comedian. Getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds goes by the name of Mel Monroy. Here we go. Mel Monroy.

Wow. Mel Monroy. Could this be Mel? I guess not. Wow, interesting. No Mel Monroy. When you call Mel? I guess not. Wow. Interesting. No Mel Monroy. When you call a name, people just leave? That's not how it's supposed to work. I think you're a little intimidating, Bob.

I think they're scared to show you their butt. Because that's what they're going to do for a minute. No, but I'm a likable dad. Okay. I guess it's me then. Pulled another name out. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Nate Welch, everyone. Nate Welch.

Nate Welch. Wow. No movement whatsoever. Multiple blacklists so far. How about Ray Ray Chase? Is Ray Ray Chase here? Wow. No Ray Ray Chase?

Ray Ray Chase? Hold on. Is this last week's bucket? Yes, David. Nate Welch. Ladies and gentlemen, Nate Welch. Okay. Here he comes.

No, that way, that way. Nate, Nate, Nate. Oh, no, no. Nope. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Nate Welch, everybody. Here we go. California's weird, bro.

Y'all got a whole different vocabulary than I'm used to from Louisiana. Like, I got words I use in my everyday conversation that some of y'all don't know. Like, boo-coo, which means a lot. Or, coo-yong, which means stupid idiot. Or, respect, which means respect. And y'all got words I don't know. Like, kombucha? I ain't drinking that. Retrograde? Still don't know

what that is. Don't care. Some chick with armpit hair tried telling me about it. I was like, I'm tuned it right out. And transplant. That don't mean what it sounds like it means. This chick told me, hey, I like your accent. Where you from? I said, New Orleans. She's like, oh, so you a transplant? I'm like, no, I ain't. I'm a dude. Yeah.

Everywhere, there's a place, there's a place. Welcome to the show, Nate. Thanks, bro. Welcome, welcome. Is there a podcast playing in your pocket right now? Yeah, there's a place, there's a place. Welcome to the show, Nate. Thanks, bro. Welcome, welcome. Is there a podcast playing in your pocket right now? Yeah, there's something on your phone. Kill Tony. You're watching the live stream of Kill Tony?

I was in the line. That's why I didn't get here whenever y'all called, because they still got a line. Wow, it was so weird. I was listening to both you and this show at the same time. It's so weird. My bad. And somehow, on the recording in your pocket of this show, I heard laughter and none here in the room whatsoever. It was incredible.

I don't know. The power of the live stream is mind-boggling here. Very exciting. Any initial thoughts on Nate, guys? You've been on this show before, right, Nate? Yes. And where are you from originally? New Orleans.

That's what you're saying. And then you gave us kind of a Wikipedia, urban thesaurus of the words that don't mean anything to you or to them. But you have a nice, amicable style. You should learn probably to not kill yourself trying to get through like a police barricade and probably turn off your phone when you're working. These are great tips, Bob.

It was incredible. You seemed like you had no idea how to get to the stage before, but you've been on the show before. There's two stairways on each side. For some reason, you came up here like some kind of zombie demon straight to the middle of the stage. We've never had anyone do that before. My bad. I ain't gonna lie.

I was kind of nervous because I was trying to get up here. I didn't want to miss my opportunity. And you fell behind me. Yeah, you fell down. You gotta fall down to stand up, I guess. Right? Fuck it. I can take it. I pulled a tightest O'Neal running to the Royal Rumble.

I understand. No one wants you to miss your opportunity. So, Nate, how's mingling into Los Angeles? How's that going for you? How long have you lived here now? I've been here for about a year and a couple months. But it's going real good. I really like it out here.

How are you getting more Italian the longer you live in Los Angeles? I love your look. I'm kind of out of breath. What? I'm kind of out of breath because I'm fat. Uh-huh. Heck yeah. I understand.

Is that from the excitement of doing this? Yeah, just kind of getting like I was out there waiting, you know, smoking a cigarette, and I heard my name, and I was like, oh, shit, so I threw my cigarette. Do most people say, oh, shit, when they hear your name? Nah, it depends on was like, oh shit. So I threw my cigarette. Do most people say oh shit when they hear your name? Nah, depends on the situation, I guess. I think you closed well because it ended. Thanks, bro. Let's check in with the great one and only Uncle Joey.

Nate, how long have you been smoking cigarettes? Since I was 18? It's never too late to stop, you know that? Yeah. I've never seen this episode of Full House before. I actually, I like this guy's style. I call it like friendly white supremacist. You know, he looks like the enemy But he's really a friend

Mr. K-K-K-Clean What other career do you have? What other job do you do besides selling meth? I ain't no Heisenberg yet But I'm a bouncer I do security You didn't bounce here. You just fell. That's funny.

He should throw his act out. That was just a minute. I know. Yeah, it was just a minute. It was just a minute. He was saving the other minutes for another time. I think it's good. The good minutes. But you're a nice man. Thanks, Brad.

And I'm saying that just in case you're packing a gun. Nah. I can't trash nobody, really, because you're a nice person. It's hard to get up here in front of all these people and not get much laughter.

But you're a good person. Doesn't he seem like a nice guy? No, I mean a nice guy. A guy that'll take you down to the river and shoot you in the back of your fucking head. That's kind of... Nah. You ever killed a man? Nah.

You like gladiator movies? Yeah. You ever seen a grown man naked? Not on purpose. You ever check your cat to see if it's a boy or a girl? You ever run backwards through a cornfield naked? Nah. You like wrestling?

Yeah. Tight. Oh, hell yeah. Did Bob do Airplane 1 and he just did Airplane 2? Is that what just happened? Yes. Yeah. Oh, man, different generations.

Yeah, absolutely. There's not even Gen X in here. I don't know what that is. Oh, you don't know what Gen X is? I am. People talking about Gen stuff, Gen this and whatever. I don't know none of that shit. Yeah, I don't know nothing. I ain't ratting out nobody. Nate, are you Italian?

No. Where did this accent come from? I'm from the West Bank of New Orleans. The West Bank of New Orleans. The West Bank? That explains it. The old West Bank. Did you spend a lot of time at the Gaza Strip Club?

No, I go to, they got she-she's on the East Bank. That's good. I think you got a hook that you should work on, which is I don't know nothing. So I'm trying to come up with it. Prove it. Just prove it for four minutes. And don't curse so you can get on TV with that. I can do that. Alright, you're set.

There you go. Remember, Nate, it's not if you fall. It's how you pick yourself back up. That's what's most important. I'm cool with that. You got the show started for us. It's Nate Welch, everybody. There we go. It's a time and a place

for somebody who needs you. Nachos! Hey, I'll take some. And some Frank's Red Hot. Nah. You're just gonna eat these boring nachos with no flavor. Oh. Frank it up! Frank it up! This guy finally gets it. It's the perfect blend of flavor and heat.

Frank's Red Hot. I put that s*** on everything. Hey, I just got us a new Coca-Cola spice. Nice. What's it taste like? It's like barefoot water skiing while dolphins click with glee. Whoa, let me try. Nah, it's like gliding on a gondola through waving waters as a mermaid sings. Nah, it's like Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors.

Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola Spiced today. All right. I'm sorry, is that song going to be the whole show? No, it's not. I mean, this is not what I expected. Can't you choose something else? No, I's not. I mean, this is not what I expected. No, it's not. Can't you choose something else?

No, I literally... I mean, play Kokomo, John. I literally... They did this once before when Ron White was a guest. They were all the blue-collar comedy tour, and I implore them not to do things like this so that we can get a guest

to come back more than once, but Jeremiah there thinks it's funny to go against the grain of the show because he knows that Ron is own big live successful show. Tony, cut it out. Yeah, exactly. There you go. But no, it'll be different songs for each comedian that comes up.

I pulled another name out. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Mike Pond, everyone. Mike Pond, is that person here? Mike Pond. He's coming. Here he comes. Here you go, Mike Pond.

You go that way. Follow the red tape that way. Oh, follow David Deary. David Deary's on top of it today. There you go. One more time for Mike Pond, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. So thank you guys.

So my sister just texted me. We just got a new dog, and she got DNA testing for her dog. It's pretty stupid, but it was pretty cool. Came back 60% German Shepherd. It was like 30% Husky. And the test was 100% waste of fucking money. Like, what did she think was going to happen? The dog's going to go to Germany, find his great, great grandparents. I mean, our dog eats its own shit. She cannot work the Southwest app. So I'm from Ocean City, New Jersey. Ocean City is a beach town, but it's a dry town, so no alcohol, no bars.

And people always ask me the same question. They're like, how did you survive down there? No booze? I'm like, guys, I was six. I didn't need a box of wine to get through a tough week of kindergarten. But growing up in a beach town without alcohol is kind of like dating a really hot girl

without daddy issues. Because, like, it's fun, but, wh, but it's not as fun as it could be. So my first job was at a pancake house. My favorite thing on the menu is the banana pancakes. I love these things. But in the kitchen, we had this banana slice. So the thing was amazing. You could take, like, four or five bananas at a time.

Uh-huh. What do you do with the bananas then? Go ahead, Mike, finish the joke Mike Four or five bananas at a time Told my friend I want to stick my banana in the banana slicer He said you're crazy I said yeah But I did it, I got fired

He said what happened to the banana slicer I said she got fired too Don't do the joke Mike Don't do it How's it going? Great to be here Glad you're here Mike Don't do the joke, Mike. Don't do it, Mike. How's it going? Great to be here. Glad you're here, Mike.

Is this your first time on? Yeah. Welcome. Thanks. How long have you been doing stand-up? Eight months. Eight months. Where are you from? Ocean City, New Jersey.

Ah, from New Jersey. And somehow you don't sound like the last guy who sounded like he was from New Jersey. Yeah. Ocean City is like an hour and a half south of Seaside. Yeah. It must be near East Bank, the other side, right? Maybe. I don't know.

There you go. So welcome, Mike. Thank you. And how long have you lived in L.A.? I don't live here. You're just visiting? Down here for two weeks, yeah. Oh, look at that.

Two weeks. What hotel are you at? Down at Santa Monica, down at the Lowe's. Oh, that's nice. Tell them which one and the address. And room number. Google it. I love it.

The Lowe's on Santa Monica. Heck yeah. We're going to find you. All right. We are going to. There you go. So what brings you here for the two weeks? Doing a little bit of comedy.

Just coming out, visiting friends, family. Went on the prices road. Like how much? Like a minute of comedy? Yeah, one minute. One minute, yeah. Running from the sidewalk. Very cool.

Yeah, it's cool. His name got drawn. That worked out good. Yeah. The what? Nothing. What did you just try to say, Doug? It's cool.

His name got drawn. He's just visiting, and his name got drawn. Some people come week after week. They probably don't get their name drawn. Oh, right. No, you're right. Yeah, it's great. Did your name get drawn on the Price is Right?

No. You went to the Price is Right? Yeah, two times. This week? Yeah, no, last week. My goodness. What do you tell them in the interview part? I just have to start lying to them.

About what? Everything. Like what? They ask me, what do I do? First, I told my real job. Then I said, I worked at the zoo. What was your real job? Get kids eyeglasses in Philadelphia. Aw. Aw, yeah. So they could go of the zoo. What was your real job? Get kids eyeglasses in Philadelphia.

Aw. So they could go to the zoo? Yeah, so they could see the zoo. Yeah. Did you tell them about your sister, Bananas? No. I don't think my sister, no. I like that you had completely unrelated stories.

Yeah. With no segue. Nah. But you had timing timing and you had confidence and you just need a little more time. Like, you know, 14, 15 years. Absolutely. Is that what I'm supposed to do? Stuff like that?

Yeah, you're doing great. I need this for my reel. Mike, you have any special skills or talents? Oh, gosh. I forgot, Oh gosh Anything good No I can't drink milk like last week No I'm just asking about you here Mike Don't try to get desperate laughs

Off of people that have last week's episode On the tip of their memories right now Special talents no He thinks this is panel Mike I'm asking you if you're good At anything in your life here on the planet. So like you don't really, it's not an equation or anything like that.

I'm asking you about your own life right now. No one else is just yours. I played baseball in college. I was a pretty damn good baseball player. Oh, that's good. First base? Yeah, shortstop. Yeah, well, that makes sense. Where'd you play at? The College of New Jersey. College of New Jersey. Is that what it's called? The College of New Jersey. College of New Jersey. Is that what it's called?

The College of New Jersey. Are you fucking kidding me? Oh, my God. Is it a mobile unit? TCNJ is the real fucking thing. Is your baseball uniform just tank tops? Yes. Tony, I went to the Escuela of Mexico, actually.

Oh, okay. Very good, Jesse. Wow. So you played at the... What did you study there? Communications That's what everybody at the College of New Jersey studied How to communicate with one another

I can't understand you Go to school They take classes to not sound like they're from New Jersey But he didn't get straight A's in college He got straight O's Hey hey There he is There's Uncle Joey Come on in college. You got straight O's. Hey, there he is.

There's Uncle Joey. Come on. I'm a stand-up comedian. So you got a degree from there? From the College of New Jersey? My goodness. What does that look like? Does it just look like a regular diploma or does it look like a fucking piece of

lasagna? It's an Italian menu. There you go. Very good, Mike. Anything else crazy we should know about you? No, not really. Just thank you guys for having me. This is awesome. Let me just tell you by how interesting all these answers are, I can see why you would never

get picked on The Price is Right. How's your sister doing? My sister's doing wonderful. Good. You didn't try any of that weird crap? No. That's good. That would upset me. Because I'm a dad and all.

America's dad, right? I guess. I think you've got potential. You have a likability with people. Do you want to do stand-up? Is that what you want to do? People have told me that I'm likable, but they don't tell me I'm funny. So that's not, yeah.

Well, you should listen to people. I'm just kidding. No, no, no. Well, Mike, at least you got a little bit lucky here tonight. You got pulled out of the Bucky your first time ever at a Kill Tony. You got up, you got to talk with Doug and Bob, and congratulations on that. There you go. Mike Pond, everybody.

All right. We're moving along smoothly. Very good. Very good. Man's Playing Forever, which John Stamos sang, and it's one of the few songs that I truly hated on the whole album. And I appreciate it. I'm sure you'll be playing it more.

Well, we're going to give the band a break here because we're going to bring up one of our regulars. We're going to keep them separated here tonight and split apart. This first regular, so this is one of the guys that has to write and perform a brand-new minute every single week so they don't come out of the bucket. This guy's been a regular for just about as long as anybody in the show's history. He has a very interesting style that people either tend to love or hate.

He is a compulsive liar. Let's find out what he's going to talk about tonight. It's the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, everybody. Here he is. Oh, boy. Here he is. Oh, boy. Here he comes. Wow, he's got a standing ovation here in the middle of the room.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's William Montgomery. What do you mean there's no more ham? It's my impression of my dad when we went to Hawaii and we were on an island with no more ham. What a nightmare. I just sold a screenplay about the apocalypse

and it's about all the good people and bad people that are left but they all have vitiligo it's called the stained it's like Stephen King meets Michael Jackson's cover story for his skin bleaching a lot of people don't know this when I was in middle school I used to get high and then choke myself. I would stick my head in my desk and just keep slamming the desk down!

That's actually how the guy from In Excess died. Wow, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. What is this? Tony, what the fuck is going on? Who is this guy?

Hey! I have one bad set last week and you replaced me? You know, I didn't expect you to be here. I told security to keep an eye out for you, but we were just going to make a seamless transition into a different William Montgomery, William. It was so much better. How's it going?

It's actually been a while since we last met. Are you doing better? Yeah, I figured out. I got my dosage of Dilaudid's down. I broke into a pharmacy. If I just put one drop of Dilaudid's in a spoonful of water and shoot up, I'm good. What was it? A CVS pharmacy?

Wow. Hold for applause on that one, huh, William? Oh, my goodness. This is incredible. This is the first time I've ever seen anything like this before. incredible. This is the first time I've ever seen anything like this before. You know, I'm not going to make any Kobe Bryant jokes tonight, but Mary Kate,

you couldn't have called an ambulance for Heath Ledger? Oh, wow. Oh, my goodness. Gracious. Oh, Bob's reaching for the sword. I'd like to give a moment of silence. rest in peace to the Challenger crew. It's the anniversary of the Challenger crew explosion. Goodness.

This is absolutely incredible. You are the same height, the same build, the same hat, glasses, shirt, jeans, facial hair. Wow. So how'd you two meet? It was two years ago. Go. We were with my aunt. Aunt. Melting.

Melting candles. Cans. Goods. You two definitely finish your own sandwiches. Wow. Wow. Wow. Oh, my goodness gracious. So what are you guys going to do?

Are you guys going to work together more often in the future, you think? It's so weird we did this on full house night. It really was not. But, yeah, we're gonna start working together. We have some good projects in the works. Yeah? Like what?

What are you guys working on? What kind of projects do you have in the works? There's a Super Nintendo, also N64 game. It was called Mario Kart. We're in the remix of Mario Kart. We're both gonna play Luigi. He's going to be my stunt double. There you go.

Alright. I don't see why you guys are both built a little more like Bowser, but I guess Luigi makes sense. Are you fucking serious? Who said that? Yeah, who fucking said that? Seriously, who fucking said that?

Seriously, who fucking said that? You're said that? Seriously, who fucking said that? You're throwing me off. Yeah, somebody's throwing me off right now. Wow. This is mind-boggling to me. You guys are comedy in the round. Can you say that a little slower? I didn't hear that.

No. Could you say that faster? Where's the third bear? My goodness gracious. My mind is just blown right now. I don't even know where to begin with this. You guys are brothers or perhaps just friends? Like this is a...

Three years ago. Got tickets to fish. One thing leads to the other. What a nightmare. Total nightmare. We got trapped. I ate a whole Corova pot brownie.

We were literally at a fish show We were at a fish show at the aquarium Literally watching fish You guys were watching fish in a tank perform? Yeah, I mean, we saw sharks Octopus Pufferfish Blackfish

Saw some black people at the aquarium. My goodness gracious. Wow. Are either of you in a relationship? That's a good question. Oh, I don't know if you heard it, but the great Bob Saget just asked you guys a question. He wants to know if you guys are in a relationship.

I thought that was a response, actually. I think they are in a relationship perhaps with one another yeah I think oh are they about to kiss right now I don't think they could because of their stomachs Yeah, I think. Oh, are they about to kiss right now? I don't think they could because of their stomachs. Who the fuck said that?

Who the fuck said that? Don't throw us off right now. Throwing me off. You're throwing me off. God damn it, Larry. God damn it, Larry. So would you guys consider this one of your best sets that you've ever had on this show? Yeah.

Yeah. I think it probably is. I think it probably is. Wow. Well, this is incredible. We got two William Montgomery's for the price of one tonight. This is the first time we've ever seen this, hopefully not the last.

Uh-oh. Wait a second. Wow. This song takes a little while before it hits that main part. A little bit longer than usual. But I guess we're not even going to get there. There we go, Brian. Brian's listening.

Wow. What is going to happen here? Wow. Wow. All right. Just a little slow. Shut the fucking music down. Rip it.

God. Don't fuck this up. God. Okie dokie. There they go. William Montgomery's, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. And that is, without a doubt, one of my favorite comedians on the planet,

Matt McCarthy, ladies and gentlemen. Matt McCarthy, guys. Brilliant, brilliant comedic mind. I had no idea they were going to do that to me. Has that ever happened here before? No. The one guy who came second is normally just William Montgomery. He comes out by himself.

They sprung a little surprise on us. And they choreographed it at home. Yeah, clearly. All right, three minutes before the show. Well, home is a big word. Yeah. They choreographed it in an alley or something. Or a studio apartment.

In a dumpster. Actually, William had such a bad set last week that he has a podcast that I do with David Lucas, and we tricked him and had Matt McCarthy come in as William and told him that he's being replaced on both Kill Tony and the podcast. And he got really sad, but it was funny. We called his parents. All his parents thought it was actually William.

There you go. That was very funny, though. Yeah. How about another time for William Montgomery and Matt McCarthy? William's Montgomery's, as I will call them. Man, that's exciting for the diehard

William Montgomery fans out there and just double hatred coming in from the people on the internet who despise William. So let's get this fun train moving along. You guys having fun out there? Yes. Ooh, French lavender soy blend candle. I told you

HomeSense has good gift options. Well, I don't know. Mom's gonna love it. She'll take one sniff and be transported to that anniversary trip you took to San Tropez a few years ago. Forget it. She complained about her sunburn the whole trip. It's only $14.

$14? Now that's a vacation I can get behind. Deal so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense. Pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like I don't remember ever seeing this name, so let's see what happens. Make some noise for Spencer Forbes, everyone.

Spencer Forbes. Here he comes. One more time for Spencer Forbes, everybody. So I once got so high, my iPhone called the cops. And we're going on a road country trip with my two best friends. We're leaving here tomorrow. The whole time we're going there, I'll have two guys on my balls. Those guys are Johnson and Johnson.

LA here, it's pretty funny. You walk around, you see a lot of Asian doctors, and it always seems like they're running late for work. I'm really excited. Thinking about doing a new internship. Marketing manager for the Jehovah's Witness. I think their marketing

tactics are a little dated. Could work on something better. Maybe some Facebook ads. Spencer Forbes. Wow. I'm going to shock you right now by telling you that that's my favorite set of the night so far. Thank you, Tony.

This was incredible. This is one of your first times ever doing stand-up? This is my first time. First time, everybody. Hell yeah. There it is. There's nothing sheepish about that performance. That's the sheep of the first timer. Congratulations on popping your cherry. How old are you, Spencer?

25. 25. Absolutely adorable. Welcome, welcome. You from here in Los Angeles? I'm actually from Florida. From Florida? Oh my goodness. Look at you. What part of Florida? Cocoa Beach, Florida. Wow.

My goodness. I thought you were, I recognized you as one of my favorite cast members of one of my favorite shows called Succession on HBO. You know that show? Heard of a lot of success, Tony. No, no, it's not about that. Yeah, it's not what it's about. It's about a family that owns a gigantic company, and they have a bunch of money.

Am I close to right? No, I can actually tell by the amount of hair on your neck that you don't really come from money. Am I right? Besides my last name, Tony. That's it. Forbes. You got it.

Thank you. You got it. You got it, dude. Hey. It's Chr, dude. Hey. It's Chroma Chris over there. So, Spencer, this is exciting. You're 25. What do you do?

I own a pool cleaning business in Florida. You do? I sure do. Pull a lot of alligators and things out of swimming pools? No. No. What's the craziest thing you've ever cleaned out of a pool um well i had the sketchy guy i cleaned his pool for a while was

it you um no no go ahead tell us and uh he uh well i guess he would have strippers come over and have parties and um he'd leave me to clean out like 10 dildos out of his pool. Oh, my goodness. Let me ask you this. Would they float or would they sink? They sink. They sank. Oh, my goodness. See, I find that interesting.

That is what you should have opened with. Yeah. I think because dildos float to the bottom, pool skimmer, you got me. Facebook crushed at the end, by the way. Congrats. Thank you. I mean, it's your first damn time. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it's your first damn time. Yeah, absolutely.

That's scary. And you're not a white supremacist, right? No, I'm not. Oh, I'm so disappointed. But, you know, he's got balls. For sure. And dildos. Let me ask you this. When you would scoop the dildos out of the bottom of the pool, would you use a net or would you sort of swim down there and bob for them like apples with your mouth?

Bring them up in your teeth? Yeah, exactly. Talk about the deep end. I would use the net. Net skills are on point, Tony. Who is the net? Is that a family member? Yeah.

You ever fuck one of your clients? You ever do the pool guy thing? Whoa, language, Brian. That's only on the internet. It's like all my clients are like 80 years old. None of them are going to see me. That's not an answer of the question. Yeah, exactly.

If they have a pool. No, I haven't. They have the most money and they're about to die. So think about it. Okie dokie. There you go, Ryan. There you go. Talking about deep sea diving over here.

Are you going to move out here to L.A.? Are you going to be a permanent? Are you going to go back to Florida and keep skimming? Well, I'll probably keep on skimming. But we came out here. My buddy's actually moving. So we're taking this truck. Yeah, with the Johnson and Johnson.

Yeah. And we're driving his truck all the way back to Florida. What kind of truck is it? Toyota Tacoma. Oh, wow. There you go. Absolutely. That makes sense.

That's some Toyota Tacoma music there for you, for those of you that don't know. Hell yeah. Is that a hatchback? No. Does it have a trunk? It's got a truck bed. Oh, so you can't really take a body back with you? No. Does it have a trunk? It's got a truck bed. Oh, so you can't really take a body back with you? No.

How many dildos fit in that truck? Lots of dildos, Doug. Feels like you got a good collection. Yeah. Don't want to leave them behind. So let me ask you this. To own your own pool cleaning company, you started as just a regular pool cleaner. Am I right?

Right, yes. And then you had other friends that sort of weren't really great at anything, right? So then you just were sort of like, hey, we could do this ourselves and get 100% of the money, right? Right, correct. So that's really all it is, is that you run a pool cleaning company, and you just give your friends jobs too, the ones that you can't do. Right, yeah. My friend's watching right now. He's jealous he couldn't come because

he's working for me. Oh, wow. He does night skimming. It's the secret just buying a net. That's all you have to do, right? Yeah, that's all it takes to clean a pool. I don't want to give away all the tips. Yeah. You got to talk about pool cleaning in your stand-up. That is what you have to do.

Yeah. That beat there, you know what I mean? Like, starting the business, the dildos thing. Yeah. You got electric remotes. Do you do that for people? You put the app on the phone where you can turn shit on? I can do it all.

You can do it all? I can do it all. You can do it all? I can do it all. Has anyone ever told you you look like Chris Hemsworth with Down syndrome? Oh, look at that. Thank you, though. He has an IQ of four. Wow. Any special skills or talents that you have, Spencer?

Are you a soprano singer or anything like that? Or perhaps a master? Can you sing the theme song of the Sopranos? I can't, no. Do you have any special skills? I can jump up and heel click. You can? Well, let's see you do that. Put that mic in the mic stand

and let's see a jump up heel kick from Spencer Forbes, everybody. This is some real some Wow. Wait a second. Are you sure you can do that? You want to try again?

Wow. I'm pretty sure anybody in the world can do that, Spencer. What the fuck was that? Could you do it, Joey? That's all I got. I'm pretty sure Red Band can do that. I could do that. And he's built like an ice cream cone and he can do it.

Do the heels? Yeah, do the heels. Wow. Oh my goodness. Have you ever seen two ACLs blow out of one? Well, he did them in the middle. He didn't do it to a side. He just did like a weird

frog jump. He made like a heart with his leg. Oh, okay. I could do it to a side. He just did like a weird frog jump. He made like a heart with his leg. Oh, okay. I could do it too then. All right. All right. This show is out of control. Oh, my goodness. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. What's... Oh! Oh! It's time to have a talk. You're in big trouble now. Uncle Joey just found something that fell out of Doug's pocket here. Uncle Joey. Uncle Joey. What is that? Doug?

Yes, Uncle Joey? I found this. Do you know anything about it? I can't lie to you, Uncle Joey. It's mine. Were you doing it to fit in a school? I just want to be liked. People like you. I like you. People love you.

You don't have to do that stuff to fit in. Okay, I'll try to not do that stuff. It's kind of a lifestyle for me at this point, though. It's kind of a lifestyle for me at this point, though. What's in here is what really matters. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable moment in the history of the show. I actually thought I was on the show again just now. Did you make that in arts and crafts? That talent, I've never heard anyone say that that was a talent. That was amazing that you could do that. Like I said, I can do it all. Yeah, you can. From seeing that, you could probably hop a fence,

go into someone's house, you clean their pool, and just rob the shit out of them. You know he clicks his heels after a successful pool cleaning. Well, Spencer, I mean, what can I say? Everything that you did up here tonight led to that moment with the heel kick, which led to the bowl falling

out of Doug's pocket, which led to that incredible lesson from Uncle kick, which led to the bowl falling out of Doug's pocket, which led to that incredible lesson from Uncle Joey. So, you know, like I said before, and I'll say it again, performance of the night so far. His first time ever. Spencer Forbes, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. There you go, buddy.

All right. I have a feeling this person's not going to be here, but let's see what happens here. Let's just see. Make some noise for Galloping Buffalo. Galloping Buffalo. Hey. My Sharona.

Is Galloping Buffalo out there? Galloping Buffalo. Here we go. Here comes Galloping Buffalo, everybody. Oh, there is. That's a bison. Oh, my God. It is unbelievable how much trouble people are having getting to this stage tonight.

One more time for Galloping Buffalo, everybody. Cool, cool. My name's Michael Silver. All right, cool, cool. My buddy's a trust fund baby. He's always making fun of me. He's like, hey, Mike, you're poor. I'm like, hey, George, your mom's dead.

making fun of me. He's like, hey, Mike, you're poor. I'm like, hey, George, your mom's dead. I went to church yesterday to confront my childhood priest, Father McKinley. I looked him dead in the eye. And I said, you're not my fucking dad! I thought that was clever, too. Thank you. Thank you.

What else did I want to do? So, my girlfriend and I, my girlfriend and I, we broke up recently. We had fundamental differences in opinions. She was super into crystals and I really wanted to die. Who smokes weed?

I smoke a lot of weed. Anybody get, like, really, really high? You know, go pick up their nephew from school? And he's just, like, complaining the whole time, you know? Like, you're not my uncle! You're not my uncle! And you're, like, wrong school? Okay, thank you. Hell yeah.

Galloping Buffalo. Hi, Sharona. Welcome to the show. Galloping Buffalo, Mike Silver. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Great, great.

Is this your first time on? No, it's like my third time. Oh, okay. What have we talked about before? What have we learned about you in the past? What are some of your highlights in the show's history? I sell fish. I used to box.

Oh, yeah. That's right. Did you box fish? Yes. What kind of fish do you sell? I used to sell fish. Oh, a lot of salmon right now. And then halibut just got back in the season, so it's selling well.

Well, congrats. Yeah, it's alive. You're just like, that's good stuff. You used to sell fish, Bob? Yeah, I did. I was in the seafood department. I could clean 100 pounds of fish in an hour. Wow.

Can you do that? Yeah, I could clean it way quicker. It takes you an hour? Only 100 pounds? Yeah. Oh, no, he did it. You know what? Hold on.

Can someone get us 100 pounds of fish real quick? Let's see it. We're about to have a first ever Kill Tony fish cleaning competition. Mike Silver versus Bob Saget in a battle of the... Aphrodite just opened her legs. That's Aphrodite over there. Oh my goodness. That smells like 200 pounds of fish. Oh my goodness That smells like 200 pounds of fish My goodness

And you work in the fish business That's a family business Yeah it's my uncle's business He had a few good dark humor jokes in there Didn't you think so I thought it was good Thank you I'm just glad my pipe didn't break

Yeah that is incredible A testament for how durable the pipes that you keep around you are Yeah, it really turned my mood around when that thing didn't break Yeah, makes you just want to tap your heels all over again Let's check in with Uncle Joey Now, when you work with fish, is the day rate scale? No, this guy gets paid to the gills. I'm telling you right now, for sure. Did you have to go to school for that?

Yeah, and how do you stop him smelling you cut off their nose? That's the other one. See how quiet that was? I thought that you... Do you want to be a comedian? Is that what you want to do? Yeah. The fish isn't enough?

I mean, it gets the bills paid, so... You stink at the end of the day, right? I don't even smell fish anymore, honestly. It's not good. You got to use lemon to get it off? No, I just shower typically or I have cologne. Oh, you shower? Yeah, yeah, regularly.

That's interesting. I think that's the best act tonight. Yeah, absolutely. I don't like germs. How long have you been doing stand-up, Mike? About 10 months now. 10 months? Wow, such a short while.

And you are from here in LA? Yeah. Uh-huh. Like Next LAX? You live by yourself? No, with my brother. Your brother's older, younger? Yeah, he's older.

He's 24. He works in the fish business too? No, he's an admin. Admin? Yeah, like he does ads, advertisement. Oh, okay. He didn't want to be in the family business? No, he used to work, but he went to college.

Wait, he's an admin for an administration company? No, he does advertisements for companies like Google and other shit. He's like educating. If you live right by the airport, are you waiting for fresh fish delivery? That's just where I grew up. I'm sorry? That's just where I grew up. Oh, you don't live there now?

Yeah, I live over in Lomita now. In where? Lomita. Oh, I dated her. Oh, you don't live there now? Yeah, I live over in Lomita now. In where? Lomita. Oh, I dated her. Oh, yeah. Got in trouble. She's a horrible one. What's your favorite terminal?

Terminal? Wow. Cancer? Yeah. Do you ever fuck a fish? Okie dokie. Red band's going hard with the questions here. Hard-hitting questions tonight.

That would be a wide-mouth bass, right? Fish oil, you know? Extra lubrication. Very good. Otherwise, you're going to just call him a fish fucker? Is that what's going to happen? I just think if I was working with fish my whole life, as a young kid, I'd probably try it.

Oh, yeah. You took the words out of my mouth, man. I didn't want you to cop me. I'm going to sell little fleshlights for free. Why are you putting me on blast, man? Come on. Wow, you guys have brought this room to a minimum, minimum, minimum. Boy, oh boy.

Why galloping buffalo? I want it when people who know me look me up or we follow each other. They're just like, who the fuck is this guy? And they're galloping buffalo and they see it's me. And they're like, ha-ha. You know, like, I don't know. Oh, wow. What are eagles looking you up?

You get to be there for their reaction? No, I imagine their reaction. I hope it makes someone laugh. That's how I imagine it going. Was it galloping buffalo to get their mind off of fish to steer them different? No, it used to be cackling hyena. I was trying to come up with the most elaborate stuff

I could think of. What's next, Senor Giraffe? Anyway, back to you in the studio, Tony. So your brother works in ads. You work with fish all day. Why do I get the feeling that your apartment smells like a Gwyneth Paltrow candle warehouse?

You don't have to answer that. I'm just glad the third guy in the evolutionary chart is working. That's all. Do you have a girlfriend right now? No, we just broke up. Oh, really? Why'd you break up? Let me ask you this. How long were you with her for?

I think like seven months. Seven months. And then why'd you break up? Because she was like, are you going to do three more months of comedy? Yeah, you know, she was sick of it. All my jokes were about hitting her. So she was like, why? Why did you actually break up?

I want the real answer. That's what comedy would come from, why you really broke up. Yeah. Well, basically, like, she wanted me to be like, she was like, do you love me? And I was like, well, I don't know. Which I feel like is an honest answer because I really don't. It's very gallant. You know, it's like, well, I really don't know.

And then, you know, she was like, well, I want more. Do you was like, well, I really don't know. And then she was like, well, I want more. Do you know somebody who would know? I don't know. She was like, well, this is not going to work out. And I was like, well, that's reasonable. I feel like you were

never together. Did she exist? Yeah, this whole thing sounds really fishy to me. You sound like a real catch. Sounds like this relationship really tanked. Yeah. All right. Well, anything else crazy we should know about you, Mike Silver?

Any fun facts about Mike Silver that would blow our minds? The last time we found out that when you were boxing, did I have you shadow box? No, I don't really. Well, you know what? How many of you want to see this guy shadow box? Ladies and gentlemen, he's going to put the mic in the mic stand right now,

and we are going to get a taste. How long have you been boxing for? Like on and off two years. On and off for two years. Sounds confident, ladies and gentlemen. This is going to be really exciting. Here he is doing some shadow boxing. This reminds me of right before McGregor

fought Floyd Mayweather. Here he is galloping buffalo. Whoa! Oh my goodness. Wow. If the person is within 8 inches of him He would destroy them Look at the footwork on that guy He specializes in very close distance fights

Man that range That is incredible That's mirror fighting Only if the opponent is directly in front of him as well This is the second person special talent up here that I think Red Band can do better at. You think you can shadow box? Red Band, Red Band, Red Band. Whoa, we're going to do that.

I'll play it. Get it. Here we go. Here he is doing some shadow boxing for the first time ever, Brian Red Band. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Wow! Whoa! Wow!

That was incredible. He did both things at the same time. That form was fantastic. I don't know how to compare to that. My lunch is gargling. He threw a kick into it. Fun fact, from our view, we saw the top of Brian's butt crack from back there.

He's gotten to the point where he now has standing plumbers crack, everybody. This guy caught a whiff and thought he was at work. I can't unsee that now. Let's check in with Uncle Joey before we let you go. I wouldn't bet on either of these guys

in a poker game, even if I had a full house. Oh, wow. There you go. Really shoehorned that one. That's what we waited for. Yeah, that was... Guys, I'm a stand-up comedian. All right, how about one more time for Mike Silver, ladies and gentlemen?

There he goes, Galloping Buffalo. My Sharona. Hell yeah. All right, we're going to mix in another regular now And then get back to the bucket yet again Your next regular, known for his incredibly great writing on his jokes And his vicious roasting during interviews This guy's an absolute storm, you're gonna love him He writes and performs a brand new minute every week

Make some noise for David Lucas, everybody Here we go Here he comes He writes and performs a brand new minute every week. Make some noise for David Lucas, everybody. Here we go. Here he comes. Here he is, live and in the flesh. Come on, guys. Make some noise for David Lucas. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. A lot of people think that the hardest part about breaking up with an ex is like trying to get over all the memories that y'all had together. But I think the hardest part about breaking up with an ex is having to fuck somebody new with a condom. That's the worst part. That shit suck.

Like, I gotta start fucking with a condom again and I got a big ass belly so I only got one shot to put a condom on you know after that I'm like bitch you gonna have to trust me like I'm over 250 I can't have AIDS right big niggas do not have AIDS

I'm too fat That shit pass me Wearing condoms suck though Wearing a condom Is like putting on a glove And then going to wash your hands Like I can feel the water, but I don't feel no wetness, you know?

It's the weirdest shit in the world. Thank y'all. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Week after week after week, you come in, all these other people pulled out of the bucket trying to do their

best minute, and somehow you always come in, all these other people pulled out of the bucket trying to do their best minute, and somehow you always come in and just well-written, smart, efficient words you execute every single week. How about another time for David Lucas, everybody? Just incredible. You got to just get in the habit. I was thankful for Kill Tony because I had, during that time, I had probably got in a stagnant place with comedy, so when I got this, I was like, oh shit, I gotta start, you know, because I don't want to do material that I already know,

and then it's like, I gotta burn that, so I'd rather just write something, so I just got in the habit of writing 20 new jokes a week. It's great that you have a habit other than hamburger habit. Oh shit. You know how you got a habit of holding your breath. Oh, shit. You look like you got a habit of holding your breath. Oh, come on. How y'all get the band from a weekend

with Uncle Bernie's? A weekend at Uncle Bernie's. Is that the BET version of that movie? What's the movie called? Starring Bernie Mac, Weekend at Uncle Bernie's. It's just called Weekend at Bernie's, but somehow you made it funnier. Y'all got Bob Sagan.

I watched this nigga grow it up. How often do you get called the N-word, Bob? That was impressive. He just called you the N-word, and that's a good thing. No, I'm fine with that. He had to fake like he wanted to be around the white people all day. He is a nigga. No, I wanted fine with that. He had to fake like he wanted to be around the white people all day.

He is a nigga. No, I wanted to be black. I know you did, bro. I can tell your swagger. Everything about you say black. I know you rap the N-word in songs and shit. No, I don't say that word, but I do. Unless you're in traffic.

That's funny, but no. That's what causes traffic. That's funny, but no. That's what causes traffic. What about the condom thing? Is that real? I mean, would you wear a condom? Would you, when you broke up, did you wear a condom? I hate wearing condoms, bro.

But have you? You do? Yeah, I have. I hate it, though. Have you ever done a benefit for Planned Parenthood? Because you could open with that. Yeah. Because that would, you know, I hate it, though. Have you ever done a benefit for Planned Parenthood? Because you could open with that. Yeah.

Because that would, you know, that reinforces birth control. I mean, do you have any kids? Yeah. What do you got? A girl. Yeah. He's actually done. So the condom was not being used.

No, no, no. I knew it was going to happen. But, I mean, shit. I lost my virginity like 14 years ago, so one kid, those are pretty good eyes. You know what I'm saying? What are you, like 20 now? Yeah.

So you were six? No, 29. I thought you said... Oh, you're 29. No, I'm sorry. I just imagined you being six, and that's how potent you are. I mean, I am from the South, but I ain't fucked that early. What was that like, out of curiosity? What was it like when you lost your virginity? How did that go down, David? I mean, I am from the South, but I ain't fucked that early. What was that like out of curiosity? What was it like when you lost your virginity?

How did that go down, David? Kind of like the first time you sat down to pee. Oh, well. You got a little bit of wetness on your balls, you know what I'm saying? A little bit drizzled till your ass cracked. So you're saying he's got no dick but giant long balls. Tony got an innie. Okay, yeah.

Okay. Okay, dude. I'm the one with an innie out of the two of us. When Tony fuck a girl, he be scissor kicking. Tony be bumping coochies. What? You be bumping coochies. All right, well.

Let me rub my pussy on your pussy. That's the name of a... Have you been looking through my bedroom window at night? This is just what I imagine. I imagine you fucking a girl with Sesame Street on in the background. That's true. Like, sunny day. I just painted a picture of

you fucking a girl with strobe lights or some shit on. No, you're absolutely right. I can't get hard if Sesame Street's not on in the background. I imagine you making animal noises like a tiger. That's actually a sound of me getting ready to have sex the other day.

That's me. Here, watch. Do it again. There you go. See that? It's crazy. Hey. Hey, what do you do, bro?

Did you just ask Doug what he does? I'm just now learning white comics, man. Give me a break. I'm just Uncle Bernie hanging out. Doug Benson, right? Doug, yes. My nigga. He's a real black.

Like your cholesterol, he's always high. Yeah. There you go. How's that? There you go. It puts the lotion on his high. Yeah. There you go. How's that? There you go. It puts the lotion on his skin. You know the rest.

Yeah. You just had a weekend with Eric Griffin. How was that? Oh man, we sold out four out of six shows. You sold out

four out of six shows? No, we. We, motherfucker. What'd you sell out of? The food? No, we sold out four out of six shows, man A couple, I can't remember y'all name But shout out to the people that drove from Tennessee

To come see me in Atlanta That would kill Tony fans, thank y'all That's great, that's great Are you from Tennessee? No, no, no, I was in Atlanta But they drove from Tennessee to Atlanta Where are you from. I was in Atlanta, but they drove from Tennessee to Atlanta. Where are you from? I was raised in Macon, Georgia.

How was that? Did you say Bacon, Georgia? Yeah. That used to be our basketball team, Macon Bacon. Heck yeah. Macon was shitty, man. No matter where you live, it's the hood. Even if you live in a good neighborhood, because it's not big enough to separate the bullshit from the good shit.

So even if you're in a great neighborhood, some bullshit is like... Oh, like everywhere you look? There's a handle to hold on to. You could be in a great neighborhood, but the hood is like six minutes away. So you know what I'm saying? You talk about this shit? Nah. You should. this shit? Nah.

You should. I should, yeah. I always responded well. Richard always talked about it in here. Yeah, I talk about it. Yeah, it's good. Yeah, it sounds like some great redistricting comedy. That's true.

People love to hear gerrymandering humor. Here's my hunk on busing. I like him, bro. He reminds me of a black person. Sunglasses on in the club. Yeah, that's... That's what black people do. That's the way to go, yeah.

So you're... And they call... Where I'm from, we call them hater blockers. I like it. So that way the haters... Anybody ever heard that song? Anybody from the South

heard about hater blockers? You're the first black person I've ever seen. Who are you? Ace Ventura? Uncle Joey. Oh. Oh. Oh, okay.

I got it. Look at the drummer. Oh, you the racially ambiguous nigga. Yeah. That's exactly what I was thinking. You said it. The pretty boy who used to wear all the leather jackets like the one Tony got on. He still does.

He's got them. You know what I can do? With this jacket on, I get to bump into a lot of pussies with my pussy. So, I mean, it's very exciting. And what are you wearing? You look like a – It's Cooch on Cooch. Yeah, exactly.

I wore the belt for you, dog. You're supposed to – Oh, look at that fucking thing. Absolutely. Off-white. Who fuck with off-white, man? Oh, my goodness. I don't know –

Fashion, fashion. I don't know what's going on there. You look like an out-of-shape NFL referee, though, with that thing hanging down there. Tony, you look like you wear vegan leather. Oh, my God. With that belt, what is that? Caution tape for after you commit a crime? And that shirt looks like a billboard for Cool Runnings

if it was worn by a guy that's never ran before in his life. Oh, my God. I can't be roasting with this thing. I got jet lag, man. How did you find a belt that's bigger than your waist? Like, how do you have slack? How do you have all that slack? It's long enough for you to hang yourself on.

Plenty of room. You're just jealous that I can hang myself, David Lucas. If you ever tried, you'd have to do one of those sad doorknob leans where you just lean into it and your butt's on the ground. I had to jump off a bridge. Yeah. Golden Gate Bridge can hold me up. Maybe it can.

I got a joke about that. I said I tried to commit suicide one day and the cellophane came down. Wow. Are you on the Jamaican Blobsled team? You look like one of the niggas from Enron that killed himself. What else you got? All right. You dressed like you stuck in the...

I apologize for that one that I did say. I couldn't help it. Yeah. It's all good. Jamaican Blobsled. Yeah, right. You look like a stay-at-home dad. You're like, you gotta take your kids to soccer practice.

I thought you were gonna say I'm gonna stay at home until I'm a dad. Doug looks like Sugar Ray Charles. Wow, Uncle Joey joining the fray. That is incredible. I didn't know Uncle Joey could roast like that. Watch out, I'm coming for you. What else you got, Doug?

I just still can't get over you calling him Ace Pet Ventura. You look like you lost your lips in a mousetrap. All right. I'm about to eat the cheese. Now I get it. David Lucas, you did it again. Unbelievable set, unbelievable interview every single week. An unstoppable force.

This is a star, people. That's what a star looks like. You see him every single week here live on Kill Tony. David Lucas. My goodness gracious. Unbelievable. There's definitely going to be. Can we bring that guy up and he can spar again?

Oh, yeah. A little more shadow boxing. Yeah, a little shadow boxing, pipe dropping. From the old galloping buffalo. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Alita J. Alita J. Oh, here we go.

I heard an audible oh my god after the name pull. This should be exciting. Back from that motherfucking ledge. Step back from that One more time for Alita J, everybody. I was messaging with a boy over Christmas vacation and I told him that I liked him and he responded, you like to get face fucked.

He's from Florida so I'm still hoping he meant I like you too. He told me to tell him what I wanted him to do to me and I said I want you to take me to dinner. Call me old fashioned but if you want to fuck this face you're going to feed it first.

I haven't had sex for over a year because it's easier to quit sex than to quit drinking. Wow, Alita J. That was interesting. Keep that microphone, Alita. Keep it there. Grab that microphone. Alita, grab the microphone.

There you go. This was an impressive set. It was filled with surprises for me because we could all hear nervous energy in your voice in the beginning and then boom you started hitting with great jokes and great timing thank you very much how long you've been doing stand-up for two years two years awesome all of it in florida is that where you're from no i stay out of florida yeah But it doesn't stay out of me. Oh, wow. Look at that. Hell yeah. My goodness gracious. Wow. So that's where you're originally from, though? No, I'm from Westchester, New York. Westchester, New York. Hell yeah. Hey, what's up? Absolutely. And are you just visiting Los Angeles? No, I live here. How long have you lived here? About six years. Six years. What brought you out here?

I just needed to leave New York. Why? I said if I saw the sunrise one more time, I was going to kill myself. If you saw what? The sunrise one more time. The sunrise? Yeah. Why? You know the sunrise is everywhere, right?

Yes, Tony. I believe this is the Sunshine State, actually. Hey, that little girl knows what she's talking about over there. I learned it in school. Yes, you did, Michelle.

So, Alita, very fun. You hate sunrises in Westchester. No, no. I just, I was doing too much cocaine. Oh, there you go. Oh. Now I get it.

Way more cocaine in Los Angeles, by the way. Just so you know that. I know, I know, but it's okay. I'm doing better. You stay up here long enough, you're going to get a chip. A chip on my shoulder? No. A chip. A cocaine thing. Are you in, you're going to get a chip. A chip on my shoulder? No. A cocaine thing.

Are you in, you're done with it? You're finished? Well, I wouldn't say that. Wow. But I'm okay. It's a cocaine crowd. That's good. I'm doing okay.

Have you ever lived in New York City? Yes. Too many sunrises there. You can't see them with all those. Sunrises three times a day. I mean, the Olsen girl can tell you, like, there's another one every New York minute. Oh, that's an Olsen twin

movie. That is. I love movies, Bob. I know you do. Doug loves movies. My favorite line of yours of the whole set was, call me old fashioned. Right before I fucked my face. That was great, Alita.

So what do you do for work? I just work at a coffee shop. And sell cocaine? Yeah. You just can't stay away from things that keep you up at night, huh? Doesn't want to see the sunrise. Oh, God. I was worried about revealing too much of the face fucking,

but now I've really gone too far. No, it's okay. It's all right. Thank you. Face fucking's fine, but little did we know that they were fucking your hollow nose the entire time. We thought when you said face fucking, you meant your mouth, but now we've found out about your broken,

what do they call that fucking thing? Septum. Septum, yes. Absolutely. Michelle, this is what you don't want to be when you grow up. So I'll only do Diet Coke then. Yeah, yeah. Don't be Alita, be a follower.

How'd you get a name like Alita? Are you a battle angel? Well. He loves movies. He just does. Very obscure movies, obviously. You have a real likability, though. You like do.

I'd like to see you do stand-up and do it more. Thank you. You have a good do it more. Thank you. You have a good fuckable face. Oh, boy. No, that... The compliment was meant for my move. Why did you have to spell it out? You're really good.

I'd like to see you stand up more. You are so... Your set was amazing. I can't believe it. Are you a Leo? Did you ever fuck a fish? Alita, what else about your life should we know before we let you go? Any other fun facts about Alita?

I wish I hadn't revealed any of it. It's all right. If you didn't, you'd be considered boring. That's true. Yeah. Instead, everybody loves you. Whoa, look at that. She tapped her heels.

She gets it. Yeah. Instead, everybody loves you. Whoa, look at that. She tapped her heels. Yes. Who's that? Who's that guy over there that's recording you right behind the camera that's recording you? Who's that? That's my buddy Mario. Oh, yeah. How do you know Mario? Do you meet him playing Mario Kart? Stand up. He supports me and he's awesome. Oh, he's your drug dealer. That's the drug dealer. He's been up here a few times. Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah. Yep. That's Mario. He's a lay dealer. That's the drug dealer, everybody. He's been up here a few times. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yep, that's Mario. He's a lay and some piper. You hook up with a lot of guys as of late?

You have a boyfriend? Nah, nah. Nothing steady? No, I haven't had sex for over a year. That's real. Oh, my goodness. Why is that? Why not for over a year? Because it's sex or drinking drinking and I'm choosing drinking.

It's not a good choice. It's not a good choice. Why is it one or the other, just out of curiosity? No, I mean it shouldn't be. They go together really well. Yeah. That's the only way Brian can get girls to fuck him is by getting them drunk.

Has Mario made any moves at all? No. Is he like, I want to fuck in your face? Let me fuck in your face. It's okay, Joe. They're allowed to record this show, Joe. It's okay. It's a live podcast.

Joe, it's okay. Yes, yes. It's okay. It's not stand-up. It's a different thing. How about a hand for Joe, one of the door guys here? One of the few men in the world that maintains resting bitch face somehow. It's incredible.

Real tough guy. Go to 4hamps.com, Joe. Yeah, absolutely. Use the promo code KILLTONY and save 15%. So, wow. Alita, very interesting. So over a year. Two.

Two years. What kind of guy do you like? Do you like a tall guy that maybe lives in Florida, cleans pools? Yeah A guy like that? Because he uses a skimmer as a condom Because he is Because some people don't like condoms Yeah

And even if you don't want to fuck him, he has like eight dildos he can give you All right, Alitaita well two years in the game how long how long you been coming to the comedy store for oh not that many times like this is like my third time third time ever at the comedy store and here you are now on the red lacquer main stage what's the longest set you've ever done oh five five minutes. Would you like to do five minutes next Friday at the Ice House? Whoa. Wow. Wow. Don't applaud.

Have you been to the Ice House? She was never seen again. Love it. She's going to try to turn it into. You can set that up for her. You're going to get her five minutes at the Ice House? Yeah, I have a show twice a month at the Ice House. I take a lot of people from this show over there. She's going to try to turn it into... You can set that up for her. You're going to get her five minutes at the ice house? Yeah, I have a show twice a month at the ice house. I take a lot of people from this show over there. That's awesome.

Yeah, just give them little spots there. You're a good man. Yep. So you're going to... So you'll want to work on that. You'll work on that. You'll work on the five minutes. You'll get your best stuff.

Oh, you don't want me to do the Facebook? Oh, I... Well, is that rhetorical? I mean, I'm married, but I don't lie. Just make sure you close with it, because if you open with face fucking, what else is going to get fucked?

Where do you go from there, you know? Well, I can list 20 things, including open heart surgery. What? Joey, say something. You guys. I can always count on you.

Ladies and gentlemen, how about one more time for Alita J, everybody? There she goes. She's going to the ice house, everyone. All right. everyone. Alright. So this is a special part of the show where we're going to go right back to the bucket but for right now what do you say we bring out our third and last regular of the show where we're going to go right back to the bucket, but for right now, what do you say we bring out our third and last regular of the evening, huh?

This young man right here just started stand-up actually only a few months ago, but after 20 years of improv training out of the Chicago area at Second City and building an amazing repertoire of incredibly hilarious videos and other comedy stylings. He joined us here a couple months ago, and I absolutely fell in love with him immediately. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the human shield, the one, the only, the great, Michael Lehrer, everybody. Come on. Here he is. Oh, boy. Guys, come on. You got to make more noise than that.

It's Michael Lehrer, everybody. Here we go. Another week of sucking dick for wheelchair parts. I just got a new battery all I had to do was swallow you know I don't want to stereotype but I hate people who can walk they're always like

I'm praying for you if prayer cured my ALS, that would be international news. It's not like one in ten ALSs are cured by prayer. It's zero and never. Everyone's like, oh, you're an inspiration. I don't want to be an inspiration. I want to get attention for being an inspiration. Attention, strange pussy, and some dick on the down low.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Lair, everybody. Holy moly. You did it again. Thank you. An absolute assassin on wheels.

Thank you. You're a great actor. Stand up. Show them all you can. Yeah. If I do, I'm collecting workman's comp. I don't think we have that type of power. No doubt.

No doubt indeed. Michael Lair, an absolute inspiration to us all. One of the most positive, fun people on the set before the show every week on the internet. Releasing tons of great content. Yeah, but all these people go fuck themselves. Oh, why is that? Why would you say such a thing? Fuck them, that's why.

Oh. You know what? Everyone, they're like, oh, oh, you know, smell. Wait. You know what? What the fuck? I have no fucking idea what that was supposed to mean, but it was hilarious. Fuck with me.

Whoa, he's got the bicycle chain. Fuck with me. He's got the bag again. You got a bicycle chain ripped across your fucking face. That's right. You have not known pain until you get hit in the head with a

bicycle chain and a Ziploc bag. It's how he gets it through TSA. My goodness, Michael, why are you dressed like you went to the College of New Jersey for baseball? This is what the professors at that college dress like. Hey, I don't work because I'm disabled. So I'm always tan. I dress for comedy. Do you dress like that because you can't beat your wife in real life?

Hey, hey. We're doing real good. We got into role play. She lays down and I run her ass over. Ah, look at that. Wow. Yeah, Bob.

Yeah, yo, Conley got headshots. He got yo, Colin got headshots. He got what, headshots? Yesterday, my son Colin, he got headshots yesterday. Time to pimp his ass out. Yeah, my son is commercial ready. Oh, shit. Hell yeah, dude.

So are you. Have you been in a Rascal commercial or anything yet? No, I keep trying to contact the makers of this chair. Zingers? Yeah, for you, Zingers. No, don't say that. No, no, no, no, no. Tony, they deserve it.

I've been showing them my life has changed because of this chair. I've contacted them on Twitter, Facebook. Oh, there's his actual eyes. Instagram. All that. And they're past the mark. No compliment. I had to find my own. Come on. Come on. come on. I had to find my own.

Come on. Come on. I can't get through it. Fuck you, Singer. Fuck you, Singer. Do you know what their handle is online? Do you know? Yeah, it's like they're hiding something.

It's so confusing. How about we have all the listeners of the show find out the Zinger... Would it be called a wheelchair? What do they call that? A power chair. Zinger power chair, and tag Michael Lehrer in it,

and let's try to get him sponsored by Zinger. We can do this. Yeah. We can do this. And we have to make sure we do it in the next couple years because we don't have much time, people. Yeah. Should we reach out to anyone else?

Like P-Bags or anything? Is there anything? P-Bbags.org! Yeah! Yeah! I also need condoms! Wait, why?

The size of your head! Oh my goodness gracious! Big old condoms! Wow, from the zinger to the dinger. My goodness. So now, I know for a fact that this is the first time that you have been seen by Bob Saget and Doug Benson. Do you guys have any words of wisdom

or advice for Michael Larry? He's only been doing stand-up a few months. I'd say automatically you're on a roll, man. Thank you. Thank you. We have to go to commercial. We'll be right back. Zinger automatedated Wheelchair. No, you're hilarious.

And I met you backstage, and you had such a positive spirit. I liked you immediately. Well, you were very funny. Oh, I didn't do anything. But that's what you mean. No, but you're a natural person. Can we... Hotel room, yes.

Yeah. Beautiful. You and me, Doug will just sit in the corner. He watches movies while we do it. Because Doug loves movies. They should do a remake a weekend at Bernie's with you. Yeah. Where you're dead and in a chair

going to power lunches in your power chair. Exactly. I'm the new face of diversity in Hollywood. I do have power lunches quite regularly. Fuck yeah. Michael, anything else crazy about life You want to get out there this week Or talk about or anything like that Yeah man let's think about it

You know what Man I'm premiering I do magic And rap So my rap... My rap... Wait, what?

What's going on? Is somebody tickling you? You know how to rap? I am a rapper. You're a rapper? You know that. Oh my God. Yeah, but I...

You see me rolling. No. Everybody, everybody get your roll on. Everybody get your roll on. No, no stairs. Roll out, my homie, roll out. All right, no, no stairs was pretty good. Like no scrubs, but no stairs.

Everybody's laughing. He doesn't want no stairs. Oh. I don't want no stairs. Oh. I don't want no stairs. Stairs aren't fun for me to get up because I lost the ability to walk, but I'm having fun tonight at the company store. Whoa. My goodness.

He went from TLC to ALS real quick. That is just incredible. Michael Lair, you are a goddamn comedy angel. We absolutely fucking love you. You are one of the new backbones of this show. You are a real rock star. Don't go chasing waterfalls. And at Zinger Chair, guys.

Tweet out to Zinger Chair. Let's get them sponsored. Yeah, we found out it's all one word. At Zinger Chair. Z-I-N-G-E-R-C-H-A-I-R. So let's make some noise out there and make sure you tag Michael Lehrer as well and let's let them noise out there and make sure you tag Michael Lair as well and let's let them know that they

already got a lot of promotion and could get more. Yeah. Or that new Segway egg thing. We could get that. Nope. How about Zinger chair, everybody? There you go, Brian. Great idea, Red Band over here. Always with the new amazing twists. What do you guys think? Should we end this thing? Bucket one more

time and get out of here, huh? It doesn't really seem like it. You guys want to go to the bucket one more time? Alright. How about another hand for Bob Saget and Doug Benson for being here on this little tiny show that started with just Laney and Jerry who are sitting over there. There was no other

audience members six and a half years ago. There was seven comedians in the room that all signed up. And now look at this. Every Monday this place is insanity. We're having fun. We got great guests. Dream guests. That's because of Tony. How about a big round of applause? And Red Band. Yeah.

Yeah. They're a unit. There you go. Thank you. Thank Band, yeah. Yeah, Red Band. Yeah, they're a unit. There you go. Thank you. Thank you, Bob. No, but it's true. I didn't know. Then everybody told me it was great. You told me for five years it was wonderful.

I didn't know. It's true. I was trying to get you here, but, you know. Well, I'm your bitch now. I love it. I love it. You waited until it was a full house, until you started showing up. I had to do it.

It was right there. Sometimes it's just a beach ball. You got to just hit a little bit. All right. Your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Bryson Banks, everybody. Here we go. Bryson Banks.

Hey. To the rivers and the lakes that you're used to. And I know you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all. But I think you're moving too fast. One more time, your final comedian of the night, it's Bryson Banks. So when I was younger, sometimes I used to be able to hear my parents having sex. Yeah, and sometimes I'd be listening, though.

And it would just stop. And I'd think, did we just come at the same time? I'm joking guys. I always come first. You guys can probably tell from that heroic story I just told that I used to be in the Marines. Thank you. My yoga instructor gets more claps than that. The only thing he's had to fight for is his dignity. Apologize for all the yoga instructors in the room. Given our geographic location, there's at least 130 of you in here.

Wow, Bryson Banks, 130 of you in here. Wow, Bryson Banks, a great job. Wow. To the rivers and the lakes that you're used to. Welcome, Bryson. Is this your first time on the show? It's my first time. Awesome performance, my friend. I absolutely love that

joke. You and your parents coming at the same time. What a great punchline that I don't think anybody saw coming. I'm serious. I don't know why that got a laugh, but even you're laughing at that. Because none of us wanted to see them coming. Right. Oh, I see why you were laughing.

I don't think anyone saw that coming. That's what I call accidentally funny. I didn't even mean to do that. So welcome, Bryson. Very interesting. Very good. How long have you been to do that. Welcome, Bryson. Very interesting. Very good. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost two years.

Almost two years. All of it here in Los Angeles? Yeah. Heck yeah. No, I went to New York and Arkansas and Arizona. Oh, yeah. All the big markets. The classic three stops.

Yeah. Big markets there. New York, Arkansas. Was that because of your parents? Are they related? Totally related, yeah. I can see that you've done some in Arkansas. There's something about you that's a little rock.

You know what I mean? Had they seen you do that joke? Yeah, in New York they saw me do that joke. Did it turn them on? They did fuck next to me in the hotel room, so I guess so. I'm not going to let that little rock joke slide. I'm still laughing. There's nothing that brings me more joy than when a joke that I make gets nothing.

I'm still laughing. You must have a lot of joy in your life. I do. I do. Very rarely do you get to make a good horrible Arkansas joke. You must have a lot of joy in your life. I do. I do. Very rarely do you get to make a good horrible Arkansas joke. A little rock. All right.

So Bryson, and you live here in L.A. now? I do. And what do you do for work? You're a producer, a backstage producer for a television program. Male escort. I used to be in the military, so I still get money from that. And then I went to college, and they paid me, so I just kept investing it. So I had a cushion.

But I recently became a personal trainer, so I'm about to be training somewhere. Wow. What branch of the military? Marine Corps. And what country did you fight for? You know, I grew up in middle America, so I wasn't as educated as I am now, unfortunately. Well, I salute you for being in the military.

I mean, I think everybody does. Yeah, absolutely. All right, all right, Brian. That's not the right song to play for everyone. That's what they play when people die. Thank goodness. You killed it tonight. All right.

Here we go. Even though you're probably more used to bombing as a U.S. military. Easy, easy, easy, easy. No, it's okay. Where have you been stationed at before? I was in 29 Palms. Oh, wow. One of the more dangerous deserts to be in.

Got to put down your sun shield when you're in there. There's a lot of sunrises out there in 29 Palms. It's about two hours east of Los Angeles. It was 30 Palms until a bomb took out the last one. 29 Palms. That's only about, what, 45 minutes away or so from beautiful Joshua Tree, California? It was 30 palms till a bomb took out the last one. 29 palms. That's only about, what, 45 minutes away or so from beautiful Joshua Tree, California? Yeah. Yeah.

And when I first moved here, people were like, you want to go take shrooms in Joshua Tree? Like, fuck no. And you're like, hell no. I'm going to have flashbacks if I go out there. So what would you do in 29 palms? Well, I joined as a rifleman, and then I tried out for snipers and made the platoon and did that whole thing. Wow, look at that. Now you're up here sniping with great jokes.

That's incredible. You keep up on your still-in-shape? You're a personal trainer? Yeah, I went through a program called FitOps, which John Cena just donated a million dollars to. Oh, wow. And he didn't donate it anonymously? He admitted that he did that?

It wasn't one of those things where he gave the money and he's like, you can't see me like that? Oh, yeah? Where were you on my Little Rock joke, you pieces of shit? Writing all this right in front of you, you assholes. Think I had that

stock John Cena donated money? Alright. Let's check in with Mary Kate and Ashley over there. No, I was just going to say, it looks like a Terminator convention. We got like the old broken model and the T-2000 model.

She's talking about Michael Lehrer in the back there. Oh, my God. All right, all right. My goodness gracious. You think you could, how good of a trainer are you? You think you could help our homeboy back here? Oh, he's got the bicycle chain. Look out.

That's what he's going to pay you for. Do you accept bicycle chain as payment? And then was that another Marine out there that did the little thing? Or was that just a fan of men? You're a Marine? You still in Marine shape, you think? No? You don't sound like a Marine. You look more like Marine life.

By the way, we can't see you right now. Yeah, I'm a Marine. I'm not in very good shape anymore, though. Hoorah, hoorah. VCR repair. What made you decide not to be in the Marines anymore? I decided that pretty quickly. Tired of being rich?

It's a four-year contract. It just wasn't for me. Did you ever, it's a pretty brutal question I'm about to ask, but did you ever snipe anybody? No, I didn't have to, thankfully. Right. What would you just hit? Targets and things like that. Targets and when I was

in Iraq, thankfully. Bed, bath, and beyond. What was that, Uncle Joey? What just happened? Just some confetti flew from the ceiling. I thought a bat was in here. I just had a small mild heart attack. Okay.

A small piece of confetti from definitely one. You're frightened by confetti? From when they're alone. A little fun fact, by the way. This confetti is from one thing and one thing only. It is from when we shoot off confetti twice a year on this show. And a fun fact that Danny, sound guy and us talk about is that another sound guy that works here

sometimes complains about the confetti that falls randomly during shows and I'm always like that's bullshit confetti doesn't fall randomly during shows here I've said it like three times to management and I was wrong there you go

the other guy was? Oh wow. Why were you scared of confetti though? What did you think it was? It's Uncle Joey. He's a sensitive character. Well I seriously just thought it was some kind of creature that was coming from the ceiling. Or this place is also

haunted so I didn't know if a gay party was going on somewhere around me you're actually right on both counts yeah it is haunted um i think it's proven tonight uh because i don't know what my point is because ghosts no there's ghosts love confetti this be Ciro's back in the day. So there's bodies down below, but it ain't no big thing. That is true. Something that a lot of the comedy store people know that have been here a while or that people like me that have been stuck here for hours at a time. Late at night.

Have you experienced anything? Not really late at night, but I once saw something middle of the day here while working a phone shift. It's very weird. And before I saw this thing, I always thought that the ghost stories were sort of wonky. I'm like, well, I'll never see one. I'll never, even if I did see something,

I'll never admit to it because you sound like a crazy person and then you see something and it sort of changes everything about how you think about those things. I was right back there before they lacquered it out for cocaine use. Sam Kennison,

I actually helped him get his first spot here in the OR because I'm 104. He was laying on the couch, and he had passed out in a drug and alcohol stupor. And I was still here. It was like 4 in the morning or something because we did shit like that. And he saw a coin floating in the air because it was supposed to be mobsters that used to be here back in the day when it was serious. And I said, Sam, that's not true. And he goes, I'm not fucked up at all.

I'm telling you the truth. There's a fucking coin floating from a mobster or something. And then I like walked around and I thought I saw something. But then I realized I just shit my pants. Oh, well, there you go. Sometimes that happens. You ever done that? Oh, well, there you go.

Sometimes that happens. You ever done that? I got a big... big doody. You got a doody? The disease has taken him over at this point. We were watching a man deteriorate, and we're all laughing. I guess ALS stands for a long story.

It's pretty good for a drummer. Wow. Yeah. You're really good, though. I mean, you're a likable dude. I mean, keep working people out. What's your opinion? I see him being cast in Top Gun 2.

Yeah, absolutely. Because you love movies. Or maybe Bottom Gun 2 or something like that. Bryson, anything else crazy we need to know about you or in your life before you go? Any special skills or talents or anything like that? ALS. Wow.

What do you mean? I mean... You thinking about getting it? Watch this Do wonders for your career man He's a regular on the show now It was a call back to the drummer's ALS Oh so you didn't have anybody The chain's coming out

He's got the chain There it is. Number five, motherfucker. There goes Bryson Banks, everybody. And we did it. Next week, Michael Rappaport. Here's the drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. Look at this, everybody.

Look what he drew. While you sat there doing nothing, he drew tonight's episode. Guys, how loud can this place get for the great Bob Saget? What an amazing treat. We've had almost everybody. Everyone knows we've talked about it on podcasts about who's left, and this was a bucket list treat for me and this show, sir.

Thank you so much for coming by. I love you, Tony. Thank you so much. And I love Doug because he loves movies. How about a hand for the great Doug Benson, everybody? Yes. Doug lovesies.com for tickets he's on tour always

it's an amazing amazing show it is incredible and I can say without a doubt one of the original inspirations for a show like this is a show like Douglovesmovies an unbelievable electric

fan base loyal fan base. It's just so exciting to be at that show and see the energy in that room of people that get to go to a show that they listen to all the time and watch. It's so cool what you've done in live podcast history, Doug. Thank you, Tony. Douglovesmovies.com for tickets to that. Bunch of other fun stuff happening in the world of the great Jeremiah Watkins, everyone. He is on tour. He's going a bunch of places, and I lost that piece of paper somehow.

Can you help me with that? Yeah. Buffalo, New York, Albany, Syracuse. I'll be back in San Antonio, Texas. Las Vegas, all coming up in February and March. Look out for those dates. JeremiahWatkins.com. Thank you.

Love you guys. That's right. And you can also catch him on the Kill Tony Road shows coming up in Vancouver, La Jolla, Ventura, Boston, and Austin. He's not going to be able to make it to Kill Tony East in Swansea. He's going to be headlining upstate New York. And make sure you catch me doing stand-up in Tempe, La Jolla, and Boston.

All those dates are at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And also for Kill Tony or Death Squad TV. You can get them at a bunch of websites, including Google. How about a hand for Chroma Chris, everybody over there? Adorable. Adorable. Batted 1,000 as always tonight. Chroma, what did you think about tonight's episode? It was a San Francisco treat.

Wow, look at that. Anything else, Chroma? Yeah, shout out to Ernie Ball, and we also have a big announcement that will be coming next week, and also check out the Baby Boys on Spotify. I love it. There you go. I just want to say something really quick. I started in this room when I was like,

well, I started over there when I was 21 and Letterman was my first MC. And coming in here and seeing the Comedy Store, it's hot as it is, and everybody being as funny as they are, and it just makes me feel fucking awesome. And the audiences are all coming because you love comedy.

And we need comedy really bad. So thanks for being here and thanks for having me because you're amazing. And again, just to let you know, if it wasn't for guys like you and Letterman and Pryor and your whole crew,

this place would not exist. It would not have been able to survive the lapses of gaps between the comedy booms so we thank you we all helped each other on this well it's nice to see it up there thank you and last but never the least guys

the backbone the drummer Joel Berg Joel Jimenez everybody he's mostly sorry on social media he's an official Ludwig artist anything else Joel? no I love you guys peace He's mostly sorry on social media. He's an official Ludwig artist. Anything else, Joel? No, I love you guys. Peace. Guys, thank you so much for coming out.

Next week, Michael Rapoport joins us for the first time ever, and perhaps another special guest joining him. Red Band? Hey, I'll be in San Diego March 5th, 6th, and 7th with Tom Green. So check that out at the American Comedy Club. Wow, that's so interesting. We're going up against each other. I'm going to be in La Jolla that entire weekend. I know. So that is just as strange as it gets.

Alright, goodnight everybody. We'll see you again soon. Goodnight. Thank you.固まり魂 BGMご視聴ありがとうございました