KILL TONY - KILL TONY #434

Episode Date: February 6, 2020

Michael Rapaport, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, David Deery, Brandon Thompson, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 02/03/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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What's it taste like? It's like barefoot water skiing while dolphins click with glee. Whoa, let me try. Nah, it's like gliding on a gondola through waving waters as a mermaid sings. Nah, it's like Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola Spiced today. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony.

Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to all the shows. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. We're at the Comedy Store every Monday at 8 o'clock, but we're always on the road, so click on tour dates to see where we're at next. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own tour dates, like his comedy shows. He also has some merch up there. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, that's the house artist. He drew the Kill Tony book. He has a bunch of stuff for sale. Check out RyanJEbelt.com.

And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We got some Kill Tony shirts over there. We got some Death Squad hats and mugs. Check out shop squad dot TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Come to you live from the road famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff.

Wow. Hi, guys. Here we are. Come on. Make some fucking noise. We are live at the Comedy Store. Hey, look, everybody. It's Brian Redman.

Hey, everybody. And the great Ryan J. Ebeld has already started drawing tonight's episode right there. While all of you sit there, he draws every episode, including all the tour posters, which are available everywhere that we go. And we're going a lot of places, like February 21st, Kill Tony Vancouver. A 13 or 1400 seat venue there. I'm in Tempe all this weekend doing five stand-up comedy shows with former regular Ali Makovsky

featuring and the great golden ticket winner Tristan Bolling opening all those shows. February 29th, Kill Tony's back at Venus de Milo for the second annual Kill Tony East. We're in La Jolla March 8th after I do three nights of stand-up comedy there. March 5th, 6th, and 7th, Kill Tony's back at Venus de Milo for the second annual Kill Tony East. We're in La Jolla March 8th after I do three nights of stand-up comedy there. March 5th, 6th, and 7th, Kill Tony on the 8th. Tacoma, I do believe we have two Kill Tonys or one.

I'm not sure. Check the website. March 20th and 21st, there's also stand-up shows connected to that. Skankfest Houston, Skankfest South, March 27th to 29th. Kill Tony Boston just sold out on April 9th. However, we just added another show today. I believe the link goes live tomorrow. That's Kill Tony Boston show added April 9th.

Four stand-up shows in Boston, April 10th to the 11th. And then from Boston to Austin, we go to Moon Tower, April 23rd through the 25th. Exciting stuff. I'm all hopped up on Caveman Coffeerd through the 25th. Exciting stuff. I'm all hopped up on Caveman Coffee and Vito's Pizza. Life is good. I have to watch my diet. I'm getting older, man.

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Remember, that's 4hims.com slash kill. Heck yeah. I had a beautiful day today. Beautiful day. Relaxing. That wind all night threw me off, and I was torn and tattered this morning. Still forced myself to go for a jog,

but then I'm like, you know what? Now I'm hungry. I don't know. The show's in a few hours. What am I going to do? I chose Postmates. Unbelievable. Works every time. Sometimes I get out of here at 2, 2.30, 3 a.m. after a fun night.

I get home, and I'm like, what? I'm starving. What am I going to do? I could make something, but who wants to do that? No. I start playing a video game after going to Postmates. By the time everything's ready to go, I hit pause. I go out there, and the food's ready.

It's your personal food delivery, grocery delivery, whatever kind of delivery service you need. Anything you're craving, Postmates can deliver. Yeah, it's 24 hours a day, too. So it doesn't matter if it's 3 a.m. I love it. I also use it. When we're on the road, we're in a city we don't even know. We're in our hotel room. We order Postmates. We get to choose any store we want to, any restaurant we want to. You don't even need to know where the restaurant is.

Postmates will deliver anything to you. You could download the app for iOS or Android for free, browse local restaurants and businesses, and track your delivery in real time. You can see exactly when the driver is coming to you. For a limited time, Postmates is giving our listeners $100 of free delivery credit for your first seven days. To start your free deliveries, download the app and use the code KILLTONY. That's code KILLTONY for $100 of free delivery credit for your first seven days when you download the Postmates app. Anything you need, anytime you need it, Postmate it.

Download Postmates and save with the code KILLTONY. That's it. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? Money, money, money, money. It's a special one tonight, guys. As always, it's always a pleasure to get the chance

to rotate in a rare first-time guest on this show. We're knocking off a lot of our bucket list style guests this year, and this is no different. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, give him a big Kill Tony welcome, the one and only Michael Rappaport. Yes. Fuck yeah.

Absolutely. He's here. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. He's here. We are going to watch comedians do comedy tonight with Michael Rappaport, the host of I Am Rappaport, comedian doing The Stress Factory, February 13th to the 15th, Chicago, the 29th of February, MichaelRappaportComedy.com for tickets. Michael, welcome. Glad to be here, excited to be here, fan of the show,

and I've heard much about the live Kill Tony experience, and I'm just happy to be a part of history. I'm excited. We're excited to have you here. We're going to have a fun time. Michael and I really just met a few weeks ago. He caught me doing a set at the Improv, and the next thing you know, I'm at my local coffee shop. I picked you up. That's right. It was like I picked you up in the coffee shop. It really was like a date. I was actually going to get that coffee to go.

I didn't even tell you. I was there to just pick it up. I could tell. I could tell. And then I was like, you want to have coffee? You were like, sure. We sat out on the patio for 45 minutes. I was smitten. Yeah, we had a little chat. It was nice. Absolutely. So I'm excited that you're here.

One thing you might not know about the show, Michael, is that there is a band on this show, ladies and gentlemen. Beloved by the fans of the show. They add a very silly element to it. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. I never know what they're going to be or what they're going to do.

They've been getting ready in a separate dressing room, as always. Perhaps it's the return of some of our favorite characters that we've seen in the past, like the Milkman or Feminist Stacy or things like that. Perhaps it's the debut

of a brand new character we've never seen before. Let's all find out what they are together when I bring out the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, Chroma Chris, and Jesse Johnson. Jesse Johnson joining the band again.

Whoa. Wow. Wow. We've seen these guys before, no doubt about it. These are the coaches, ladies and gentlemen. No doubt about it. That is Coach Roy Robeson. We've seen him before many times. Calls a lot of penalties on these young comedians.

Roy, how are you? Fan-effin-tastic. How are you doing? I'm great. Very exciting. I almost drafted Patrick Mahomes at Johnson County Community College years ago, but he politely passed. But I knew he had the talent then. I just want to put that out there. All right. Heck yeah. Coach with a topical reference, fresh off yesterday's Super Bowl.

That's OK. Put that anywhere. Thank you. Sure. And then clearly over here we have Coach Hillary Clinton. Very exciting. The great Jesse Johnson is here. But I believe according to this piece of paper I was handed, your name is Coach Linda Hyman. Yes, sir. I coach women's softball, and I'm ready for this big game tonight. Who's with me? Wow. Heck, yeah. And then next to you, we have something I've only seen hiding under my bed when I was a kid.

That must be Chroma Chris. What's up? Name's Coach Donnie. Wow. I coach all women's sports, head coach Oh They're all easy, so it doesn't matter, I just coach them all Wow, that's Well, Tony, you know, they say, you know, women's athletes, they might not be as strong as us

They might not be as fast as us Maybe not even as entertaining as us Wow Coach Linda Hyman, what do you have to say about that? I will say that he's got some points, but those women athletes, they are more attractive. I'm not attracted to them, but they're... Oh, I think you might be. That's a softball coach if I've ever seen one before. That's a softball coach if I've ever seen one before. And then back here we have Donald Trump's worst nightmare.

Joel Jimenez here tonight. Coach, what do you coach? My name's Chris Johanson. I'm from Beaver Tits, Florida. I coach at all, Tony. I was recently in some hot water. I had some unorthodox coaching methods. Let's just say players play harder when you have a gun. All right. Well, it's a long

trip to be here from Beaver Tits, Florida, so I'm glad you guys could make it. So this is it. We have the coaches. We have Michael Rapoport. We have Brian and the Wacky Soundboard, which brings me to this. The Bucket of Destiny, ladies and gentlemen. Over a hundred comedians and perhaps

people that aren't even comedians yet, perhaps people's first times signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this, the grandest stage of them all, the main room of the Comedy Store. If your name gets picked, you get 60 seconds. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means

wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. You guys ready to start this show? Guys, I know it's Monday, but I think you can do a little bit better than that. We're at the number one live podcast in the world right now. Are you ready to start this fucking And here we go. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Jonas Presendow. Jonas Presendew. Jonas, here he comes.

Hell yeah. And it has begun. How about one more time for your first comedian, Jonas Presendude. Here we go. It's good to be here. I think enough time has passed so I can honestly say this. I did not care about the fires in Australia. Not one bit. Didn't care.

I saw the picture of that charred kangaroo, and you know what I thought? It looked delicious. Everybody was like, what a tragedy. I'm like, what a waste. Is there any hot sauce over there? I just think we need to just reevaluate these tragedies. You know, wildfires, I think we can look at it as a really good time to try exotic meat.

It's the perfect temperature. You'd be in Australia, you're like, this kangaroo was delicious. All right, is that koala? Let's do perfect temperature. You'd be in Australia, you're like, this kangaroo was delicious. All right, is that koala? Let's do that next. All right, Jonas Presendou. Presendou? How do you say that last name?

Presendou. Presendou. What is that? French. French. Are you French? Haitian. Presendu. Presendu. What is that? French. French. Are you French? Haitian. Haitian.

Yep. All right. Heck yeah. Is this a wildfire crowd? My fault, guys. Wildfire crowd? Yeah. You guys care about an environment? Yeah.

Yeah, they do. It's a depressing subject matter. A country was burning uncontrollably. You're in California. Notorious for that. Yeah. So, yeah, that's sort of like doing a school shooting reference in fucking Columbine or something like that. Just like, oh, that Connecticut school shooting was something.

Am I right, people? Yeah. People? Am I right? Yeah, it's not a wildfire crowd, but you did make every woman here very dry. Yeah. Is that a ski mask in your back pocket there, Jonas? What's going on here, pal?

No, it's a hoodie, just because I'm black. It's not a ski mask. It wasn't because you're black. It's because you're Haitian. So welcome to the show. Is this your first time on? First time. I love it.

I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years. Eight years. Wow. Where at? Yeah, originally started in Florida, home club. Any chance you're from Beaver Tits?

No, not from Beaver Tits. No, no. Where at in Florida did you start? Tampa. Ah, nice. You've been there a few times? Yeah, yeah. I've been everywhere in Florida.

Not unlike you, though. I didn't take a few times? Yeah, I've been everywhere in Florida. Unlike you, though, I didn't take a raft to get there from Haiti. Tony. That was my ancestors, Tony. Not me. Can I just say that if I coach this guy, his nickname would be Shaquille Oatmeal. All right. Joelbert. One for one.

That's one. Give it to him. That's good. Shaquille Oatmeal. I'll take it. That's one. Give it to him. That's good. Shaquille Oatmeal. I'll take it. I love it. Michael, what did you think about this guy? I like that you had a premise.

It was a minute of a premise. I liked that. How did you feel? Did you feel comfortable? You seemed like at a certain point, like time stood still for about five seconds. Yeah. But how did you feel being at the comedy store,

Kill Tony and all that shit? No, I was basking in the uncomfort, you know? Okay. Like, it was a very mediocre set, and I appreciate it, you know? You appreciate it? Yeah.

Oh, wow. I wish we could appreciate it as much as you did. Did you write that by any chance when you were very hungry? No, no. Like, this whole charred kangaroo, charred koala thing? We actually held koalas.

I don't know if you know this. We were in Australia doing sold-out theaters, doing Kill Tony, and me and Brian stayed in bed that day. I'm with you. Fuck those guys. Thank you. They all have herpes and shit. Thank you.

It's a lot of white people. They'll be okay. Yes, yes. It's chlamydia and it's a rumor. They specifically told us that the koala farm, do not mention anything about chlamydia on your posts or anything like that because they have a bad reputation. No, here's where the joke came from, right?

Australia has a really good reputation of just eating foreign animals. For a while, the prisoners there used to eat lobster. Lobster was a common thing, and they got so much of it that the prisoners got sick of it. So it's just, it's a common thing. And I'm like, where did that spirit go with this wildfire?

You guys can do, these animals have been there forever. You have to taste them at some point. They probably taste like shit. That's why they don't eat them, you know? And they're endangered and stuff. Yeah, but... They just don't know how to cook them. And that's they don't eat them. And they're endangered. Yeah, but they just don't

know how to cook them. And that's where I can come in. What is the wildest thing you've ever eaten before, Jonas? You ever eat a dog? No. No. Have you? Have you ever eaten a dog? I don't know, but I know somebody that knows somebody that ate a dog. And I judged that person.

I've never met him. I was like, the fact that you know a motherfucker that ate a dog and and i judged that person i've never met him i was like you that the fact that you know a motherfucker that ate a dog you're a nasty motherfucker yeah no i have i know somebody who knows somebody who killed a dog but it wasn't a street fight the dog came at my father oh wow all right coach uh roy robesison just having a flashback to an actual story there. Coach. Jonas, so how long have you lived in L.A.? I've been living here for about a year and a half. Year and a half.

What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? What do you do for work? For work, I'm actually a biochemist. A biochemist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I work in a chemical lab, and it's cool. I just look at chemicals all day. You look at chemicals all day.

You look at chemicals all day? Yeah, I don't know how to explain it because it's very boring. So I don't know how to explain it without... All right. You sell grams or ounces? You whip it in the glass? No. Whip it through the glass. Through that. I was waiting for that. I knew it was coming. glass? No. No. Whip it through the glass.

Through the. Through the. I knew it was coming. I was waiting for it. There you go. I was waiting for it. So what do you do for fun when you're not doing a stand-up comedy or being a biochemist? Man, I don't.

I like boxing. I actually just picked that up. I actually spar. Boxing what? Donuts? No. You put in boxes. No.

Coach Linda likes boxing too. Hey. I love it. A little one-two punch. Yeah. Real powerful there. You do boxing, huh? Yeah.

All right. How often do you do that? I do that about once a week. There's actually a really like a need like, big guys who can just spar. And so I lose all the time. I get my ass whooped horribly. Right. But it's fun.

What else? What other than boxing? Other than boxing. You have a girlfriend? No. Have you hooked up with a chick since moving to L.A.? I'm scared of women in L.A. Why?

Why do they scare you? I just don't since moving to L.A.? I'm scared of women in L.A. Why? Why do they scare you? I just, I don't trust any of you. Why? Why don't you trust them? And imagine how they must feel about you, by the way. But tell me why you don't trust these L.A. women. Yeah, what's the fucking problem? We see no crowds around you.

You know, I just, man, I don't know. I have my paranoid overall, but I just heard a lot of things. I've seen it go south for a lot of people pursuing entertainment and relationships here, and I just stay away from it. What are you talking about? Not all of them have dicks, by the way. Oh. I don't know.

I've seen it. I've seen a lot of it, the comedian, the girlfriend. I feel like comedians emotionally put a lot on their girlfriends. And it's not fair to them. Yeah, it's called leg day. And all the comedians are men. So you haven't been with a single woman since living here a year and a half? No.

Have you kissed a girl since being here in a year and a half? I know where this is going. The question was. Do we have a girl with a here in a year and a half? I know where this is going. The question was... Do we have a girl with a George Foreman fetish here? I knew it! I knew you were going to do this! When was the last time you had a PBJ? Have you kissed a woman since living here in Los Angeles?

Simple yes or no question. Tell the truth. No. Is there a woman out there that will give this guy his first L.A. kiss? No, you shut the fuck up. Wrong show to come on if you haven't kissed a girl in L.A. Guys, there must be a lady out there. Tony, if you bring her up,

I'm going to give her a hug. No, it's not going to be Aphrodite. Everybody just relax. I need an actual woman out there, a fan. I need a real Kill Tony fan of any shape or size. Here we go. Come on up here.

It always works. Okay. Oh, everyone. No. Even the girl that just kissed you thinks you's gay, everyone. No. Even the girl that just kissed you thinks you're gay, dude. The girl, I didn't give her no tongue. Damn, look at this. Khaleesi looking for a black dragon tonight, huh?

What's going on here? Winter is coming. You know him. Good job. You killed it. Wow. And also, I've met her before. She smells very nice.

She always has. And I told her this. Her perfume smells amazing. Wow. You can go. You can go. Thank you, Tony. The thing I liked most about that was her perfume.

Jesus Christ. Thank you, Tony. My goodness. You're welcome. Thank you. Look at that. George Foreman hooking up with a four, man. She has no idea. Don't tell her. Don't take it. She has no idea what I just said.

What are you going to say there? Nothing. I want to know what you were just going to say. Tell me. Have you have you kissed a man since being here? No. I'll walk off this bitch right now, Tony. Well, you're about to do that anyway. I'm about to be done with you. But hey, look at that. You did something tonight. You've got a little wildfire in your pants right now.

But we did it. Your first LA kiss and your first comedian of the night, Jonas. Can I say something? For real. This never works out, but go ahead. No, for real. Can I just say? Sure, go ahead.

It's 0 for 345 in the history of the show, but you could be the one, Jonas. Okay. I've had an Instagram for ages, and I've never posted anything on it. Never. Not one time.

And people are like, dude, you should post something. And it would be an honor if this stage, all of you guys. 346 it appears. Jonas Presendu, everybody. Come on. Get out of here, Jonas. Come up for the picture at the end. Oh, there you go.

Mr. Instagram himself, Jeremiah Watkins saves the day. You're never going to see the light of day with that picture. Just kidding. It's just for his own thing. One more time for Jonas, everybody. He's on Twitter. It's Bitter Big Head.

And it has begun. It's one of the things we do if someone hasn't had their first kiss in America or LA or something. That was good. We got that little, had that little spinner come up here. Okay, pull the name out of the bucket. You guys having fun yet? All right.

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or are in the mood to shake things up with the new Iced Hazelnut O'Shaken Espresso? Need to cozy up with a tea latte? There should be nothing stopping you from achieving all your goals. You've got this. Put your hands together for Amy Freeze. Amy Freeze, everyone.

This is a new Freeze. Amy Freeze, everyone. That's a new name. Amy. Amy. Hey, we're not going to take it anymore. Is that Amy Freeze coming? No. Is that Amy? No.

Nope. All right. Is there anyone in the lobby? Amy Freeze?. Nope. All right. Is there anyone in the lobby? Amy Freeze? Amy Freeze. Blacklisted. What a shame. Sounded like a fun name. Amy Freeze. All right. How about Billy Strange? Billy Strange? Oh, here we go. No, we're not gonna take it. We're not.

One more time for Billy Strange. Cool. So a while ago, I tried breaking into the BDSM community. For those of you who don't know, that is the bondage, domination, sadomasochism community. And the guy I was doing it with was really cool. He's like, listen Bill, before we get started, I'm going to need a list of all of your limits. And I was young and naive. I was like, you know what?

I don't have any limits. Do whatever you want. So he's like, all right. Well, I want to bind your testicles, separate them with zip ties, and slowly run needles through each of them. And I was just like, you know what, I feel like that's my limit.

Billy Strange. Hell yeah. Billy Strange. Yeah. The name says it all. Yeah. Come from a long line of strangers? Pretty long, I suppose.

Fuck yeah, dude. You look like anywhere between 23 and 74. What is this? I know. Like, time is either shooting me very well or not well at all. Right. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Where are you from, Billy? New Jersey.

Okay. The Upside Down and Stranger Things. Fuck yeah. Wow, he looked at me and I wet myself just a little. Yeah. You got quite a gaze on you, Billy. Yeah, it's kind of a weird blank gaze because people

look at my face and be like, oh, you're happy. And then I'll make the same face and be like, oh, you're going to kill me. I'm like, no, it's the same look. I just don't care. Yeah, you have those eyes like the last thing you see before the trunk closes. Frightening, man. Frightening.

What do you do for work? What do I do for work? I actually, I guess I help people who can't pay their student loans get enrolled in student loan forgiveness programs. Oh, really? Oh my god. Jesus. They must go to see you.

Man, I really hope whoever this is can help me And they see you, they're like, I'm fucked, man I'm never gonna get that student loan Yeah, fuck it, I'll pay the loan How long you been doing that for, Billy? The student loan thing? Yeah Three weeks

Three weeks, two weeks What'd you do before that, Billy? What'd I do before that? Yeah, why do you keep asking Repeating the question in the question? Because it makes me feel like you're making this whole shit up, Billy. You're buying time. Don't give me that fucking look, Billy.

Now, what was your previous job? I sold liquor. Ah, sold liquor. How come that job ended? Getting high on your own supply? No, I moved to LA. Oh, where were you selling liquor at in Jersey? Joke now, it's discount liquor.

Okay, there's a little plug for a liquor store in New Jersey. I thought he said salt liquor. I was so confused. Salt liquor? Why would he say salt liquor? He looks like a guy who licks salt. Oh, okay. I love it when the coaches explain other coaches' jokes for them.

So let me ask you this. What's your living situation? You seem like the kind of guy that lives in some type of apartment building basement that no one knows exists, like you crawl underneath every night. Actually, it's pretty funny because what happened was I moved out here three weeks ago with a friend and he's like, sell your car, we can just share mine. Then he dropped

me off in an apartment and was like, good luck. Now I'm kind of apartment hopping. You're apartment hopping. Where did you sleep last night? By the looks of your hair, I'm guessing outside. And upside down. Yeah, I

slept at a hostel last night. Oh, I would have guessed a Charles Manson you slept in. Right. Okay. So how old are you? I am 29. 29. You can go to 4hymns.com

Oh man My goodness So what's been going on in your life? How did this happen to you? How did you end up looking like this at 29? You've been through a lot? You've seen a lot? Your dad used to beat everybody?

How did I get this way? Well How did I get this way? Is that because he sort of looks like Chewbacca? Why is Star Wars happening here? Well, what a question is that? Well, I guess I grew up in a short town A short town A short town A short town In Ocean City

I actually used to work at a megachurch, which was super fun. Oh, what did you do for the megachurch? I ran all their audio-video equipment. Oh, wow. Look at that. A lot of little boys and priests. What did you film, like the Sunday service? Yeah, I filmed the Sunday services.

A lot of it was them going, oh, we don't hate gay people. Don't let them in the church. Stuff like that. How did that make you feel when they would say that? How did that make me feel? Like I shouldn't say anything if I wanted a paycheck. How do you feel now? Yeah, I hate the place. Oh, wow.

Do you believe in God? Not really. Clearly he doesn't believe in you either. I'm just saying, people. I'm just saying. Look at the cards he's been dealt. Anyway, what do you like to do for fun? What do I like to do for fun?

You seem like the kind of guy that knows how to fucking play some darts or something like that, right? You play darts? No. Bocce? I mostly just hang out with friends and stuff. Yeah? Where do you like to hang out at? What do you like to do?

You like to stand outside of playgrounds and things like that? What do you and the crew do for fun? What do me and the crew do? I just go to friend shows, support them. Put that mic closer to your mouth. I just support friend shows, stuff like that. You support friends shows.

Are you thinking about going pro with that or what? You ever play any sports? I think the coaches want to know. They might want to recruit you. Yeah, I'm scouting you right now. He's wearing two pairs of pants. I find it peculiar, but also athletic. Uh-huh.

You ever play any sports? I did play soccer as a kid. Really? Goalie? Played goalie, yeah. Yeah? Uh-huh. My goodness. What's the most fun you've had? How long have you been in LA for? Three weeks. Three weeks. What's the most

fun thing you've done so far since you've been here? I just had to, i'm sorry to laugh like this but it just hit me that this guy probably hasn't had a kiss yet in los angeles yeah i i i and i would love to see the fucking one or two that comes up here to fucking uh are you nervous are you comfortable like right? Like how do you feel right now? Because I can't, and I don't like you fucking eyeballing me like that.

I think we're more nervous than he is when I'm up here. What's up? Are you nervous? Are you comfortable? What space are you in right this second? I'm pretty comfortable. Is Strange your real last name or is that a stage name? It's my last name. Really?

Wow. You look like if Action Bronson worked at a morgue or something. Is there any woman out there into loose ashtray looking pen? No, I think that's a reach. I think this is an impossible case. When is the last time

you kissed a girl? A living girl. Not one that you're about to put the dirt back on top of after robbing a grave. Have you ever robbed a grave before? Nah, I haven't robbed a grave before. That's the only question that you answered immediately without

repeating it back. And I find that very suspicious because all the other questions were very easy. What was your job before that? What do you do for work? Oh, what do I do for work? Oh, what was my job before that? No, I haven't kissed a dead girl before. Suspicious as fuck, bro.

Would you be suspicious of you if you were sitting where I'm sitting? Yeah, probably. Well, what's it like going through TSA for you? Like, what's TSA like for you? Surprisingly easy. What's TSA like for you? You walk through like that?

Yeah. Seriously, one time at the Houston airport, I was going the wrong way, and the guy was like, hey, you, down that line, get out of here. What was he, Italian? The rare Italian TSA guy? Hey, get out of here. You're going the wrong way. It's a TSA. All right.

Okay, final question. What's the creepiest thing you've ever done? What is the thing that you've done? Yeah, what's the thing you've done that matches this look? Be honest. Come on. What's the creepiest thing I've ever done? Creepiest thing.

Come on, you know the thing. Come on. Fucking come on, Billy. Come on, just say it. Don't overthink it. You're amongst friends. Everybody here likes you. Yeah.

I know it's a weird feeling. Right? You guys love Billy Strange, right? Come on, Billy. Look at him. Come on, Billyy the creepiest thing come on there's definitely one thing that's been done that makes people cringe a lot yeah go ahead what is it and it was the first time anyone tried sounding me and i don't know if anyone knows what sounding is no we don't know explain it to us so essentially what sounding is is someone takes a rod and they stick Explain it to us. So essentially what sounding is, is someone takes

a rod and they stick it down your urethra for sexual pleasure. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Say that again. What is that? They take a rod

and they stick it down your urethra for sexual pleasure. One more time. What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? Get up. Get back up. Get back up.

Don't fucking do that, Billy. Get back up. Thank you, Tony. I don't know what's going on here. I don't know if you think... You're making people nervous now. You just went full gargoyle on that ass. Have you ever heard of that?

No. What is it called? Rotting? Sounding. Sounding. And you had that done to you? Yeah, well, what happened was the person who was doing it didn't do it right. And you're supposed to use an actual sterile rod.

And they used a pen. Oh. A pen? A writing pen? Like a writing pen. No, a bullpen. They put a fucking dick in your dick? Pretty much.

And as I ejaculated Cum came out I mean not cum Blood came out Wait As you ejaculated Blood came out You're a nasty motherfucker man You really are

Billy Jesus Yeah but doesn't this Fit his look though Yeah I respect that He was very transparent With that

And I learned something Tonight It's called sounding It's called sounding Things I respect that he was very transparent with that. And I learned something tonight. It's called sounding? It's called sounding. Things to never ask for. So are you a gimp sometimes? Do you dress up in the leather mask with the... Yeah, do they make that stuff in Excel?

I've never actually... To Excel? Actually, they do, but I've never actually dressed up. Most of the stuff I've done has been with people who didn't quite know what they were doing because there's been a bunch of stuff. People have stuck pins in my penis and they shouldn't have. Well, why didn't you say no thank you?

Because all of them say they know what they're doing and I'm, I guess, too trusting. I don't think you need to throw the thank you in there on that show. I'm not worried about him kissing. He's going to find some freaky, freaky shit going on in LA. You're going to be better than the Haitian dude that was just up there. For sure. Advertise himself as Ultrasounds from

Doctor Strange. Okay. Billy Strange, we love your honesty. Congratulations. Welcome to the Comedy Store. Billy Strange, everybody. He's on Instagram at WilliamNPStrange. All one word.

Wow. Wow. His first time on Kill Tony. Why? I guess he came with the pen in his dick still. Of course. That's the sound of things. My goodness gracious. I like when he said what the word was. What's the sound of things. My goodness gracious.

I like when he said what the word what's it called again? Pinning or? Sounding. There was like at least 20 people in the audience that went oh. So there's at least 20 people in here that know what that is. That's the Kill Tony crew. It takes a lot to make these people come. You know what I'm saying? They're numb from being

fans of this show. They're used to being excited on Mondays at 8.15. Sometimes I do mounding where me and another coach tuck our dicks between our legs, and then we just press them up against each other like we're scissoring, and it's not gay. It's heterosexual. Wow. All right, coach.

My goodness. A lot of information there. Yeah, totally not gay at all. Okay, pull the name out make some noise for Bryson Banks everyone Bryson Banks hey here he

comes Bryson Banks ladies and gentlemen hey one more time for Bryson Banks, ladies and gentlemen. Hey! One more time for Bryson Banks, everyone. It's 2020 and there's still a lot of racism. That's my opening joke.

I had racist roommates. Finally, I was like, enough's enough. I'm moving out of my parents. My father hit me a lot growing up. So I joined the Marines. Because I miss my dad. People always ask me, too, they're like, Bryson, what was it like in the Marines?

So I tell them, being in the Marines is like being in the biggest fraternity, except you have to wake up early, work out, and there's a chance you might get shot. Kind of like going to school in America. Too soon? Was there another one today I haven't read about yet not good hell yeah bryson bryson banks two weeks in a row huh look at you you lucky fuck. Welcome back. Is any of that true?

Are your parents racist? Yes, they are. Absolutely. They're not anymore, but they were growing up. They changed. He's going to repeat it back like the last comedian. Are my parents racist? They were racist, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, against who? What race? It was weird because the person I consider my father is Hispanic, and so he was kind of racist against everyone. Against everyone? Yeah. Really?

Yeah. Huh. All right. That's what we call the away team. Okay. And is it true that your father hit you? That's true as well? Yeah.

How old were you the last time that he hit you? You had to guess. Probably teens. The teens. How about the earliest? What's the earliest hit you took that you remember? The earliest? Yeah.

Since I remember. This guy had a lot of hits. You guys should recruit him for your baseball team. His stats are looking good. Yeah, when your dad hit you, did he go, you're out of here? Did he?

Did he say that? Every time. All right. Well, Bryson, how long have you been doing stand-up again? Almost two years. Almost two years. All of it here in LA?

No, I've been to New York, Arkansas, Boise, Arizona. Oh, red shirt. Do you enjoy it? Yeah. Does he do a what? I said, does he enjoy it? Because he doesn't look happy right now. No, he doesn't. Because we're talking about my racist parents and my dad beating me. I love that. You're the one that opened up with it, guns a blazing. You're the one that brought it up. It's not like I'm some psychic, like, did your father hit you when you were a kid?

Is it true that you have racist parents? You said it, dude. Yeah, I just, I don't know. Any chance you were in the military at some point? I don't know why my impression of a psychic is cross-eyed, by the way. I can't really explain it. You're wearing a jacket. All right.

So, Bryson, how did your life change since being on Kill Tony a week ago? It was cool. I got a lot of compliments. A lot of compliments. That's it, huh? Yeah. Wow, that's on you, dude. I think I got like three new followers, too.

I love it. I love it. huh? That's on you, dude. I think I got like three new followers too. I love it. I love it. Oh, speaking of a psychic, there's actually one trying to find her way back to her seat over here. Look at this. An actual fortune teller, ladies and gentlemen. The rare off-camera joke that I find to be worth it. Very rarely is there an actual

fortune teller walking through the room. It's like a Mexican Billy Bonnell. Okay. So Bryson, interesting stuff. What else about you? What did we not find out last week that you think would be interesting to know? Oh, wow.

Bryson, Jesus, man. You're making me feel like... What the fuck, man? You're in a comedy club. I do well. I'm happy. You're just happy. Yeah. I mean, yeah.

How'd you feel like your set went tonight? Not as well as last week. Yeah. Last week you kicked ass? Yeah. All right. So you got one minute down. Gotta keep swinging.

No, I get up a lot. Good, good, good. You get up a lot. What are good, good. Get up a lot. What are we talking about? I did 61 mics last month. 61 open mics last month. Good for you. Yeah.

My goodness. That's great. Wow. My goodness. You get nervous when you do it? Are you nervous when you come up here? Yeah, I get excited. I like to use excited, yeah.

Okay. You do a lot of writing? Yeah. You ever take your pen and shove it in another man's cock? Only when I really gotta find a new bit. Right, right. It's called sounding. Or rotting.

When you started comedy, was it scary? Or because you were used to being shot at, was it sort of easier? You weren't really shot at, though. I remember you were stationed at 29 Palms, right? That's where I was stationed, but I deployed to Iraq. Oh, you were in Iraq. You got shot in the chin, right?

I got shot at when I was still... Yeah, he's got a little dimple there. He doesn't want to show you. He's cheating. Red band. Yeah, I got shot at when I was still in Oklahoma. Oh, really? Yeah.

Who shot at you there? Some. I used to go exploring in the woods. Did you almost drop the N-word just then? You said some, and then you stopped. I think you're just showing a little bit of your father's side coming out right now. No, I was going to say hillbillies, but. Oh, hillbillies. All right.

Didn't want to offend any hillbillies. Uh-huh. Yeah, you don't want to offend all these hillbillies out here in Los Angeles, California. You know, they're just everywhere. Tony looks like the Pringles guy on meth. Are you trying to make fun of me right now? Is this your attempt at turning things around? Is that the noise that you thought was going to happen?

You look like Tom Hardley. All right. Let's just relax. We're not going to have a fucking roast battle here. Tony, give me the fucking word, dude. I will fucking. This glass of water. I don't care.

Marines, I don't give a fuck, dude. All right. Jesus, coach. My goodness gracious. Came at my boss. Oh, my God. He looks like my star quarterback, who's also a date rapist. You ever play any sports?

Yeah. Yeah, what sports? Wrestling, baseball, football. Yeah, he loves it. Coach loves it, man. I love it. Wow, Bryson. What else has been going on, man? Anything else in your normal life? I ask you what you do for work already? You lettering anything? Yeah, I'm

personal. Yeah. Personal trainer and I do martial arts. Oh, shit. Can you show us a little bit of martial arts? How many of you want to see this guy do some martial arts? That's the martial arts music that you pick. This is our martial arts music.

Put the mic in the mic stand. Do some fucking martial arts, bro. Like a kick or something. And you better do it good, too. Take your jacket off. Can you break boards? Come on. Beat the shit out of the air.

Come on. Do it. Oh. Oh, shit. Wow. Hold on., shit. Wow. Hold on, hold on a second. That's it? Two punches and a fucking kick?

What did you do? You just beat a midget's ass just then? It's like if I was like, I do hula hooping. You're like, do some fucking hula hooping right now. Have you ever seen this show? Let me show you how martial arts is done. Ladies and gentlemen coach roy robison is about to come on get him coach if you want to buy me flowers

all right here he goes come on hit the music there you go sure he's just gonna oh wow Oh, wow. Nice. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Oh, okay. All right. There we go. There we go. Oh, shit. Oh, he tried to take him down.

Oh, shit. He's going to... Whoa. He's doing some wrestling techniques here. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh! Oh! Suck his dick! Suck his dick!

Whoa! Whoa! Roy! Roy! Tap out! All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. He put him in a very serious arm bar there for a second. It was a Kimura.

Coach Roy Robinson appears to be broken. Back up! He's got his assistant here to help him. Oh, my God. He's got the microphone hanging off of him What the hell kind of jiu jitsu is that? Sometimes everything just goes right off the fucking tracks here That was a serious armbar you put him in there

I was scared for a second We happen to know for a fact Jeremiah has brittle bones He has broken his... He's out. He's unconscious now. Can we get some milk back here, Stan? Oh my god.

Fucking killed him. The time of death is 1023. There you go, Bryson. We were able to figure it out. You were able to figure out a way to get the crowd entertained tonight. You did it. I give you all the credit for that. How about another hand for Bryson Banks, ladies and gentlemen?

He's on Instagram at TheRealBrysonBanks. So if you're following any of the fake ones, you can follow TheRealBrysonBanks on Instagram. I hope Coach Roy Robeson is feeling better. Put him in a pretty serious armbar there for a second. Quickly. He went for that shit quickly. I was waiting. Kimura.

I was literally waiting to just watch Jeremiah's arm fucking snap out of the skin there. I know. I don't know how many of you saw him do a little skateboarding trick a year ago, but Jeremiah's made out of popsicle sticks, so. Nachos! Hey, I'll take some. And some Frank's Red Hot. Nah.

You're just going to eat these boring nachos with no flavor. Frank it up! Frank it up! This guy finally gets it. It's the perfect blend of flavor and heat. Frank's Red Hot. I put that shit on everything. You know what? No, let's do something else. Instead of going to a regular, let's go to a special treat that we have here.

It is actually someone who I thought was here a month ago. I misread an email, and she warned me that she was coming. We love her from San Francisco, California. Kill Tony royalty. While not a golden ticket winner, she is the first ever,

I would call it a yellow ticket winner. Make some noise for Kill Tony icon, Nicole Tran, ladies and gentlemen. Doing a brand new minute Here she is Nicole Tran everybody Please feel free to sing along If you know the words

I went to a hairdresser In Hollywood yesterday I say Make me look like famous pop star Like Kay Perry Taylor Swift This haircut is Paul McCartney My favorite dog is the golden retriever I throw a ball, he brings it back

I throw a stick, he brings it back I throw out my boyfriend, He bury him in the yard. That's it. A minute from Nicole Tran, everybody. She's done it again. Nicole Tran, so talented. Brand new minute from you. We've seen you three or four times before.

Always amazing. One of the few people that I've given my actual email to, to warn me if you're ever coming back, because you kill every time so hard with a new Paul McCartney joke. Very good. Small touch. Nicole, do you understand anything that I'm saying right now? Yes, man. All right.

So, Nicole, how's life been going? Fabulous, man. Yeah? Like what? I enjoy going shopping a lot, man. Yeah? Yeah. Life is fun.

So look at this. This is a $10 dress I just bought. Heck, yeah. I just bought. Heck yeah. I love it. It's so beautiful. I've never seen a lady wear a dress designed off of a Kleenex box before. That's exciting. And a $50 spank.

$50 spanks? I love that. Michael, this is your first time seeing Nicole Tran, right? Isn't she lovely? She took the fucking breath out of me. I love it. Blue eyes, green eyes. I love it.

Heck yeah. Oh yeah, she loves white guys with blue and green eyes. Yeah. I like white guys with blue eyes. But he must have two of them. Fuck yeah. You're on fire. Nicole, how long have you had the coronavirus?

What is that? What is that virus, man? It's a porovirus. What are you talking about? I don't even know. I only know Corolla, man. Corolla? I drive a Corolla. Oh, you do?

The fact that you drive scares the shit out of me, Nicole. You ever been in a car accident before? No, but when I first started driving, I got a ticket for driving 100 miles an hour. Oh my god. I said to the cop, hey man, what you talking about?

The sign says 101. 101. Oh, aren't you the sweetest fucking thing? You are just... Aren't you a little fucking baked bun? You are the sweetest little thing. Nicole, you have blown our minds with some songs in the past.

Do you have any new songs you might want to do? Sure, certainly. Okay, great. Do you need a beat or anything like want to do? Sure, certainly. Okay, great. Do you need a beat or anything like that? Or you're just going to go acapella? Can we get a single spot on her? She kills it with this every time. She's a very, you still have the red band light on.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great Nicole Tran. Thank you. Somewhere over Encino I find fam I fell in love with Tony. I just can't pronounce his last name. I drove out here with Pat Griffin. I fell asleep in the backseat. I dream of Tony. I dream of Tony.

He's so skinny and so funny. He's so good at roasting and insulting everyone but me. me Somewhere over Encino Blue eyes shine I know that Tony

is married, so he's just a friend of mine. Wow. Excellent. That is unbelievable. That's for you. You are a goddamn assassin. I love you. I wouldn't fuck you, but I love you.

Thank you, Tony, for giving me the opportunity to be here. Wow. It is incredible. The sound of your beautiful voice is the best. That's the best sounding thing I've heard since learning what sounding is. You know what I mean? Oh, a little hug for Coach Roy Robeson. Nicole Tran, we absolutely

love you. That was so awesome. Thanks for creating that song and singing it. I was not expecting that at all. That was incredible. Ladies and gentlemen, Nicole Tran, everybody. There she is. Josh, what are you, Tony. Thank you so much. You're definitely going to do that again.

And by the way. I need you to lay that down on a track for me. I'll play that before I go on stage. I'll come out to that song on my stand-up. And by the way, I don't have a green car. So please do not tell anybody that you saw me here tonight. way I don't have a green car. So please do not tell anybody that you saw me here tonight.

I fucking love her. I love her. Some people you know, you can write, you can work hard. Some people are also, there's something to be said about someone who's just fucking funny. How about one more time for Nicole Tran, huh?

All right, and before we get back to the bucket, let's knock out our first regular of the night. He is here. Last week, we were shocked to find out that there was two of them at once. He has an unbelievable, silly style that's considered extremely polarizing. People either love him or hate him.

I fucking love him. Make some noise for the big red machine, William Montgomery. Thank you. Let's give it up for Jackie Chan, y'all. I love her. Loved her in Rush Hour 2. I feel like when Michael Jackson invented the moonwalk,

he didn't realize how gravity actually works on the moon. So I'm setting up an escape room in my apartment. I'm charging people $1,000 a month. $500 if they sleep in the same bed with me. What is the Prophet Muhammad's last name? Greenstein? That's my impression of the terrorist that finds out his terrorism sponsor when splurged on the first class tickets.

That's a good joke. That's a hell of a joke. I guess this coronavirus means no more shipments of fentanyl, which kind of sucks because I was guaranteed overnight delivery. There you go, William Montgomery, everybody. Very, very good. Very, very tough position. You know, how long have you been a regular now on this show, William?

Five years. Okay, that's not true. You're lying already. That is a blatant lie. I'm somehow still doing a new minute every week. Y'all do the math on that. It's been at least a year, plus you've done at least five or six of these on the road. We're talking about definitely at least an hour of material, a brand new minute every single week.

Funny enough, I was in the doctor's office an hour this past week. Oh, really? How did that go for you? I have strep throat. That's it? What is that strep to your stomach? What do you mean, the gut? Yeah.

Yeah, that protruding massive stomach that you have. What did he say about that? That's his tonsils. What'd you just fucking say? You heard me. Don't mess this up. This is, up to this point, probably one of my best sets. At one point, you turned around on the punchline of a joke,

and you winked at Michael Rapaport. Michael. Yeah. Michael, how'd you like that? I like that. I like that. I like that young redhead. I like that, winking at me and shit.

And that was a fun joke about doing the escape room, charging people $1,000 a month. I caught you drift. We heard it. $7.50 if you take out the trash. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I love it. William, I think having two Williams out last week, one thing I noticed from the word on the streets that I follow is that I think it was a big turning point for you.

I think a lot of people that maybe didn't like you started to like you last week. I guess what I'm sort of confused about, I apologize. I wasn't able to be here last week. I was at a funeral in Memphis. Oh, you weren't either one of those, Williams? Yeah, I was hearing a lot of chatter. I wasn't here last week. Oh, okay.

Well, there were two guys. Okay. Wow. I'm kidding. Let me do that one more time. I was expecting uproarious laughter when I said I wasn't here last week. That didn't... William.

Has anything happened in this past week that is interesting... William. Has anything happened in this past week that is interesting in your real life, in your normal life? You still have that girlfriend that drags you down? So last night, last night we're up. I now live in a loft up in Echo Park and

two nights ago she was sucking on my penis. Jesus. I couldn't ejaculate. I was drunk. But last night, I was able to ejaculate in her mouth. Pretty exciting stuff. Is that it? That's the whole story?

Are you kidding? No, what scares me, all these guys talk about blowjobs and stuff. It just hurt me really bad. Why did it hurt you? My penis gets sensitive. It does? Right after you finish? It turned into a nightmare last night.

Oh. Just a real nightmare. You mean after you finish, right? Immediately after or during the blowjob? Just immediately after I was squirming on the bed. Because she kept going? She kept sucking? Michael, I loved you in True Romance. Thank you.

There you go. Absolutely. Appreciate that. Let's give it up for Michael Rapaport, y'all. True Romance. Absolutely. 100%. One of my favorite movies. I also loved you in Ernest Goes to Camp

Thank you Give it up for Mike Rappaport y'all We already have William he's been here the whole time You just got here Mike I loved you in the movie Hook Thank you Alright

So what else is going on, William? How's your father doing? Everything good? He's doing well. My parents are getting into town in two weeks. Oh, great. That's great. Getting here in two weeks.

Heck yeah. I love that. Right before, that's right in time for your life expectancy. So that's pretty exciting. Wait, Michael? You call, you're. Michael? How are you?

That guy's looking at you confused right now, William. Michael? No, with the guns out. Michael? How are you? Oh, that guy. I love that guy. The short shirt.

Stand up for a second, sir, so that everybody can see who he's talking to. Get up for my cousin Michael Forsdick, y'all. There it is. In town from Memphis cousin Michael Forstik, y'all. There it is. In town for Memphis. He has diabetes. He has a real sweet tooth. How close is he to right about this? Michael, diabetes, Memphis, anything? Not at all.

You weren't right about any of that, William. You do this often. I was trying. You try to find someone in the crowd. Michael, I was trying. I liked it someone in the crowd you're Michael I was trying I I like I wanted to make you laugh you made me laugh I like that this guy right here you confuse the shit out of him it's a two for one I love it William well you do it every single week you write and perform a brand new minute all these other people are trying their hardest

uh to come up with a you know one of their best minutes and make it work up here. Somehow you managed to write and perform every week. He must be doing the winks, huh? Oh, wow. He's doing it. This is one of his trademarks that the audience loves. What's up with that fucking noise, Redman?

I wasn't touching anything. God damn it. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. I wasn't touching anything. God damn it. All right, there he goes. William Montgomery, everybody. Good job. The Big Red Machine. Back to the bucket we go.

Where anything can happen. And your next comedian. Wow. Right? Shit, man. He's a powerful presence. Put your hands together for Matt Jones. Matt Jones.

Why do these guys leave their phone in here? Is this one of the comedians' phones? He's coming from the other side. Oh, here he comes. Hell yeah. Hey! Hey!

Jones. One more time for Matt Jones, everybody. Yeah! Oh, I'm out of Jones. One more time for Matt Jones, everybody. Yeah. I'm out of breath. I need to start exercising. So I'm a little guy, if you guys can't tell. When I go back home, my mom and dad still try to dress me.

And I'm firmly convinced that it's because I'm this size. Like I'm from the south, and last time I was back home, my dad was like, Lee, you need to be able to take him out and buy him some nice clothes. He's wearing band T-shirts and clown shoes. So my mom, she takes me to Dillard's, which is like a more white trash JCPenney. And she just talks bad about me right in front of the store clerk. She goes, now, do you have anything for my son? And she just looks back at me and goes, now, he's a small man.

It's like, mom, you're making it sound like there's something wrong with me. Like I just pop out of my mom's froofy hair like a men in black alien, like that shirt, mother. She's like, get back in there. The lady just looks at my mom. She goes, he is small. It's like he's got a tiny little pecker too. Matches his tiny little body.

Looks like a little light switch. He definitely didn't get that from his father. Okay. All right. Matt Jones, everybody. Man. Adorable. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Matt Jones. Fuck yeah. How you feeling, Matt? I felt like that was a very mediocre set. That's a little bit better than I would say that it went. Great voices, though. I felt like it was not that great. I'm not delusional.

I love it. Yeah. Now, clearly you're here to argue with one of these coaches about your call at second base or something like that. That's what I'm here for. Tiny little umpire over here. you're here to argue with one of these coaches about your call at second base or something like that. That's what I'm here for. Tiny little umpire over here. That's what I'm doing. I'm trying to, if comedy doesn't work out, get in the little leagues. Great jacket game. Yeah. Thank you. Definitely.

Absolutely. Matt, have you been on this show before? Yeah, it was a few weeks ago. You made Aphrodite sit on me. Remember, I had Billy Crystal hair back then. I shaved it off. Oh, okay. Oh, alright. You're going

with the new look. I like it. You have a good tan going? You've been outside a lot? Yeah. What do you do outside? I've just been driving, Postmates. Driving? Do you have a convertible? No. I drive a Buick Encore, just like a little lesbian car. Oh, okay. That's fitting.

Very compact, yeah. That's fitting. That's the only Encore you'll be doing tonight is drive home. And that's what you do for work, Postmates? Right now, yeah. I was doing valet, but I quit. Right, because you can't reach the fucking pedals. I use a baseball bat.

But you kept the valet outfit. I did keep the valet outfit, yeah. I had a Rick Ross track suit. I love it, man. What were you valeting? People's horses for them? Yeah. Yeah.

It was a very, very wild Westie. And how long have you lived in Los Angeles? It's going on nine years. Nine years. Where were you originally from? Oz? Yeah, from Oz. Oz by way of Southern Illinois, but like right by Kentucky.

So like nowhere nearby Chicago. Right. By the Derby. By the Derby. Kentucky Derby. Yeah. Okay. It's another jockey joke.

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Fuck yeah. What's your love life like? You have a tiny woman out there? I do, yeah. No, I'm actually totally single.

Really? It seems to be a theme tonight. Yeah, it really does. Yeah. It does. Every once in a while there will be someone up here that's quite a lovemaker, but not this one. Yeah, his name is Coach Roy Robeson. Yeah.

When's the last time you got laid? Yesterday. No, not you, Roy. Not you, you sly dog. Three weeks ago. Three weeks ago? Who was that? It was a Tinder match.

I was hoping it was going to be a Postmates order. No, that's the goal though, right? To be pulled inside by a cougar. So you're on Tinder. What do you say on Tinder? I'm actually not on there anymore. No. I say I'm 5'5".

Louisville slugger, big throbber between the sheets. That's what I say on Tinder. All right. Roy, Roy, Roy. Okay, okay, okay, Roy. Let's relax a little bit here, Roy. I'm trying to get more information. My butthole looks like a catcher's mitt.

Okay. All right. Okie dokie. All right. Okie dokie. All right. What does your Tinder profile say, Matt Jones? Well, what it did say, because I deleted it, it said, what does it say? It said, move to Los Angeles to grow a man bun and do aromatherapy. That's all it said.

Yikes. Why did you delete it? Because, I mean, you asked me this last time, I'm in SLAW. You know, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. So I try to stay away from the online dating, but whenever I do, you know. Do you think you're a sex addict because of your height you can smell women's vaginas as you just walk around? That's part of the reason why. Right.

Yeah. When did you become a sex addict? What does that mean? It basically, I have OCD, so I just get obsessed with something, and whenever I get obsessed with something, I have to do it all the time. Yeah. So you can just substitute it, you know? I mean, whether it's track jacket, sex, whatever.

I just need to have it, you know? Track jacket? Yeah, this jacket. You guys were roasting? Oh, I see. What was the thing called? Sounding. Yeah. You know Lay's potato chips, how you can't have just

one? That's like him with pussy. Yeah, or the pursuit of at least. Right. Stalking. Stalking, yeah, at least, you know. Right, right. Stalking. Stalking, yeah, like Joe from You. Yeah. So when you're not hooking up with an actual woman,

does that mean that you, like, masturbate a lot? Oh, yeah. What do you think the most you, what's your average? When I'm in that mode, probably, like, four times a day. Wow. Damn. What's your favorite? But when I'm in that mode, mode, it's more like neuroses.

It's like an OCD thing, you know? Right, yeah. You can call it OCD. You're just a horny little fuck. That's what I call it. What's your favorite type of thing to jerk off to? What's your porn of a choice? Women's hockey.

Probably, when I'm looking at porn, probably BBW, honestly. Wow. Yeah, probably. What is that? Like Big Beautiful Women, you know? You ever add an extra B to that? What? Big BBBBW, that's the better one.

That's a big, beautiful, black, voluptuous woman. I mean, yeah, I have, but it's kind of awkward a little bit. You ever jerked off to Buffalo Wild Wings? Yeah. BWW? Okay, B-W-W. Okay, Joel. Honest question, sorry. You ever jerked off to a car, BMW?

Yeah. Best Western? Just a regular B-W. Anything with B-W in it, you know. How about the W-B? W-B? WB? Only the frog. Ever jerked off to Bow Wow, B-O-W, W-O-W?

Rap store. Have you ever been with a really tall woman before? Ever had sex with a tall lady? Yeah, I think two women that were six foot, which was crazy to me. Right. You know? Right. You know? Right. That's just.

It was one of the, yeah, it was. You were the spinner for that one. Yeah. Like a tabletop. That's true. He just does cartwheels from the doggy style position.

Yeah. Gets behind him and just, it's like one of those fireworks that you put on the wall and they spin like that. Let's go. He was like, look out, ladies. I'll take you to Oz. I made that joke earlier, Chroma. You must not have been paying attention.

Real question. Have you ever heard of a category of porn called carry porn? Carry porn, no. Yeah, it's when these large women pick up these little tiny men and they use them as a fleshlight. It's crazy, man. Wow. I've never heard of that before.

I haven't heard of that part, but you know. It's one of my sick fetishes is Coach Roy Robes. Wow. Jesus, Coach. Be careful. You might be not allowed back at that school you're coaching at within 100 feet of it or something. I get a full ride there.

Wow. Any other crazy things about you, Matt, that we don't know that we should know? Any fun facts about you or special skills or talents or anything like that? You know how to do a front handspring or triple axel? I don't. I do know how to do yoga.

Really? Which is, I mean, that's pretty much everybody in Los Angeles, but I have just a ton of characters. That's kind of my skill set. Uh-huh. You know? Like you do impressions? I don't do impressions, just characters ton of characters. That's kind of my skill set. Uh-huh. You know? Like, you do impressions? I don't do impressions.

Just characters. Just characters. What's your best one? Yeah. So, my favorite one is probably Mangled Chauvinist. What is it? Mangled Chauvinist. Mango?

Mangled. Like, mangled. Yeah, mangled. Like, you know, Mangled Chauvinist. Okay, let's see it. Okay. So, I have to get on the ground to actually do it. Wait Okay, so I have to get on the ground to actually do it. Wait, what?

I have to get on the ground to actually do it. Mangled chauvinist. Yes. Mangled chauvinist. All right, here we go. Mangled chauvinist. Mangled chauvinist. All right, Tina!

Why wasn't my soup hot, you bitch? Ah! All right, that is pretty good. That's good. Mangled Chauvinist. That's pretty good. That's Mangled Chauvinist. Hey, Matt, can you do...

And then Mangled Crossing Guard. Yeah, can you do Mangled Crossing Guard? I love that one. Yeah, Mangled Crossing Guard. This is Mangled Crossing Guard. Okay. Oh, wow. That's good.

So, there's two mangled characters. By the way, Michael Lehrer is still offended right now. Well, those were both funny. Wait, can you do a mangled Tony Hinchcliffe? There you go. There you go. Sure, let's see it, Matt. A mangled Tony Hinchcliffe? There you go. There you go. Sure, let's see it, Matt. A mangled Tony Hinchcliffe.

Jeremiah pitching idea. Just say I'm one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world and be mangled. But do it with your arm behind your head. I mean, I can try to do an impression of you. Sure, of course. I mean, I can try. It's on the spot. I know.

Mangled, mangled Tony Hinchcliffe. Yes, you're going to be just fine. Listen, you're going to be just fine, okay? There you go. How did that set feel? There you go. Matt Jones, everybody. He's on social media, MattJones underscore 90.

Goodbye. All right. It's time, before we go back to the bucket, to get another regular up here. This guy notorious for his incredible joke writing, incredible delivery, and mind-boggling, incredibly aggressive roasting skills.

I love him. You love him. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you David Lucas, everybody. Here we go. You love him. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you David Lucas, everybody. Here we go. Here he comes. Come on, guys. Make some noise. It's David motherfucking Lucas.

Yeah. I accidentally fell in love with trannies. Because of this show called Pose. Like, I was watching that shit for a whole year, and my friend was like, you know them niggas, right? I was like, well, nigga, it's too late, because I'm in love with Angel, that bitch. She can't be a fucking tranny.

That bitch is beautiful. But I feel fucking tranny. That bitch is beautiful. But I feel like tranny pussy is the best pussy. Like, nigga, they can't get pregnant. I don't think a dick pussy can hold HIV. And then I started thinking, like, what type of gay guy would I be? Like, all I know is if I did have to be a gay guy, I would have to be the one doing the fucking. You know what I'm saying? I'm too big to be laying on my back.

Like, nigga, I ain't putting my legs in the air for you. All right, y'all. Thank y'all. Yeah, exactly a minute from David Lucas. Yeah. Welcome, welcome, David. Y'all got Larry Bird, son? Larry Bird, son?

Oh, my goodness. You making bird jokes again already? Larry Bird. Larry Bird. That's a new one. Yeah, yeah. It make it look like Ellen and goddamn Bill Murray had a kid. All right, David, be nice to the guest.

You always do this. You look like an undercover weed seller. A weed seller. Like, hey, bro, you want a knick bag? My goodness, David. Man, y'all brought the one white dude during Black History Month that's known for shooting niggas. Wait, what? He shot a nigga in a movie.

Is that true? Oh, yeah. The check cleared. And y'all brought him during Black History Month that's known for shooting niggas. Wait, what? He shot a nigga in a movie. Is that true? Oh, yeah. The check cleared. And y'all brought him during Black History Month. That nigga's name was Remy. Oh, my goodness. In Higher Learning. Wow.

That nigga hid out in a clock tower and shot a nigga in the park. Wow. And some kind of way he ended up on Black History Month, killed Tony. Ain't that about a bitch? Who y'all got next week? I can't wait to see what Uncle Tom nigga y'all bring. It's actually going to be the, for the first time ever, it's going to be the king of late night at the Comedy Store, Don Barris, and some of the

cast, perhaps. I don't want to give anything away, but there's a good chance that joining him will be some of the members of the hit movie Windy City Heat. I don't know if I've ever said this on this show before, but Windy City Heat, to comedians,

especially here at the Comedy Store, is considered one of the great comedy movies of all time, and I highly recommend everybody listening to this show after you're done with this episode, go on YouTube the next time you get a chance, and if you can put it up on your TV better yet,

and watch Windy City Heat. Type in the three words Windy City Heat. What is it three words, Windy City Heat. What is it? It is unbelievable. So back in, I think it was 2000 maybe or 99 or something like that, there was a guy that said that he would do anything to be famous. So they made him feel like he was booking a movie,

they made him feel like he was booking a movie, and they shot a movie around him, a fake movie, doing things that you would never want to do in a movie, and it's all a fake movie. But this is a real movie about the fake movie. It's unbelievably hilarious. It has some of the best cameos ever, like Jimmy Kimmel's in it. Just tons of actors are in it. Tons and tons and tons of people.

Windy City Heat. Yeah. It is a must watch. It's the first time I've ever given a homework assignment out to the listeners of this show. I implore you to watch it. You'll thank me later. It will fly. Your hour and a half will fly by.

Only available on YouTube. You just wrapped up your movie, didn't you? What? Assault on a Dickhead. What?? What? Assault on a Dickhead. What? Your movie, Assault on a Dickhead. What the fuck are you talking about? What are you having? Low blood sugar? You just thinking assault right now? You just saying words? Your movie. Hungry

motherfucker. I see you wearing my favorite sweater again. What is that chain that you're wearing? Look at that little fucking, did that used to have candy on it? There we go. Chains. Black History Month. I don't like it. I just got it.

My goodness gracious. That sweatshirt under that hoodie is extra tight, dude. You're fucking expanding, man. You look like a gay bowling pin. When Tony get knocked over, he be like, strike. You look like a gay bowling ball. Look at you, you big black motherfucker. Except a bowling ball, you can only fit three fingers inside of it.

You look like a homosexual zebra. Oh my God. That motherfucker be galloping ass backwards. Jesus Christ. I could just see you in Africa running with your ass forward. Alright, alright. Ass button lions and shit. Not all of us are lucky enough to look like

outer space, alright? If they took you to outer space you'd want a capsule full of dildos. Why would I be on a capsule full of dildos? So you can have fun. Tony got a dildo air freshener. Dildo showerhead. That is true. You got to punch a dick to get in his house.

That's actually, I don't know how you know that. You must be snooping around my place. You play dick, dick, goose. Oh, my God. Oh, my goodness gracious. You are out of control. How are you so good at this? I don't know. I think you are.

You are incredibly talented. He was fucking with Dr. Seuss. Yeah. I think you... You are incredibly talented. He was fucking with Dr. Seuss. Yeah. We know you love green eggs in hand. You son of a bitch. No, he caught you. You got four fucking zipper pockets on to hide the beef jerky in your shit. What the fuck? How many fucking pockets

you need on one pair of pants? You one loud white dude. You would have been a good slave owner. What the fuck are you doing not working? Get back to work, you motherfucker. Put them chains back on. Get it out. Put some new knowledge in your fucking dry ass dreads. Your fucking, you got Kenan Thompson's haircut from 1996.

Dry ass motherfucking dreads. Them shits look fucked up, man. God damn. You got all kind of accoutrements and shit, motherfucker. Your face look like a screen mask. Get your goddamn surprise face ass up out of here, nigga. Look at that fucking chain. You always look like you trick-or-treating.

Get the fuck up out of here. Get your ass up out of here. I hate to see you through my doorbell, nigga. Look at those fucking chain. You always look like you trick-or-treating. Get the fucking body. Get your ass up out of here. I hate to see you through my doorbell, nigga. Fucking dreads. Dusty-ass comedy store sweatshirt on. Your face look like you just got some bad news. You got those... Shut your goddamn...

Boogaloo shrimp pants on. Where the fuck are you? Break dance, motherfucker. Your mouth look like it's supposed to wind up, nigga. Oh, my God. Hell, yeah, bro. You got a mouth full of horse teeth. Look at you.

Yo, your shits are crooked, motherfucker. You need to get your whole furniture set fixed. Show the crowd your fronts. Look at your fronts. Them shits are busted. Hey, but look. Look at them shits. When you smile, you ain't got to do shit because you ain't got no lips.

That's all right. You ain't got no nails. You always all right. You ain't got no nails. You always showing teeth. Cut your fucking nails, motherfucker. Look at your nails. Where are you going with your nails and them short-ass fingers? Little bam-bam fingers. His thumb's bigger than his forefinger.

Look at your fucking thumb. It's bigger than your forefinger. You look like a hip-hop Catholic priest. Get the fuck up out of here. Get your ass out of here. Looking like you drive for the Pope. Oh, my God. Tucking in your shirt like we can't see that fat fucking stuff.

It ain't tucked in. You got an Audi, motherfucker. Zip your fly up. You got five zippers on your pants. You should have put a Santa Claus beard on before you came up here, nigga. Why? Why would he wear a beard?

To hide that ugly ass mouth. Oh, come on. That motherfucker got a Rachel Ray mouth. Not all of us are... Get your CNN news mouth ass up out of here, nigga. Not all of us are lucky enough to have those allergic reaction lips that you have, David Lucas.

You gotta go to Rite Aid, man. Tony, if you don't shut your llama llama red pajama looking ass up. What? I gotta get you a gift certificate to Rite Aid. You look like you eat a hurt. You dusty motherfucker, man. God damn, you're dusty. I'm at work. You're dusty. You prepared for this. Look how you look.

No, I'm not prepared, motherfucker. Looking like you about to spit a freestyle egg, give the blessing. Get your confused dressing ass up out of here. Oh, my God. Halftime. Hell, yeah. You look like you eat. This motherfucker look like he eat herpes sandwiches.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Hell, yeah. Weird ass white dude. Fat ass black dude. Hell, yeah., David Clifton. Hell yeah, weird-ass white dude. Fat-ass black dude. You roly-poly looking mother... You got some big-ass fucking thumbs, man. What's wrong with that? Yo, how many toes you got? You gotta pay bitches to hang

out with you. You do have some big thumbs. You got some fucked... Yo, your hands are fucked. Let me see your feet. I guarantee you got fucked up feet. Why you talk like Joe Pesci? Get your home alone talking ass about it here, nigga. You got the first edition Kanye's and shit. We know that you fucked up feet. Why you talk like Joe Pesci? Get your home alone talking ass about it here. You got the first edition Kanye's and shit. We know that you're in there and that you're

all alone. Let us see your hat. Let us see your head. Okay. That motherfucker got a handful of Dan Rather hair. I'm good. Dry ass dreads. Those things are old. Bumper clot. Look at them shits all over the place. Where the fuck you going with them shits?

This ain't bum-ba-clot. Yo, put some grease in them shits, man. Grow them shits out. Figure out what you're doing. Kenan Thompson. God damn. I'm going to put in a ponytail. Do something, man.

I'm going to put in a ponytail. Make a man bun. You look fucked up on the yard. You want to get your Sherlock Holmes dressing ass up out of here? Okay. All right. I'm going to put an end to this. Looking like a gospel detective. All right. I'm going to put an end to this. Looking like a gospel detective.

All right. I'm ending this. I'm ending this. Yeah, sip that water without them lips, nigga. Oh, my God. All right. That motherfucker got to sip water with his teeth. Hell, yeah.

David Lucas. Bob Barker Mouthass. All right. David, David, David. David, you're out of control. I want him to keep on going. I want to hear what the fuck he got to say. Domino's Pizza delivering ass.

You need to get a nail file for your knuckles. You're a knuckle dragger. Your shit is fucked up, man. Look at your fucking hands, man. Yo, you got some Barney fucking rubble fucking hands, man. And look at your nails. Show them. You look like you've been massaging concrete, man.

Show it, show it, show it. Yo. This motherfucker opened up a concrete massage parlor. Your hands are. Break your driveways in. I'll massage the fuck out of them. Ashy as fuck. You got oatmeal colored hands, man.

What the fuck? Dry sand at the beach fucking hands. Your face is like cornbread. Okay, all right. Guys, we got to stop this. Get your. It's been 11 minutes of this. Get your Thanksgiving stuffing eating ass up out of here.

Don't talk about stuffing, Big Chops. There he goes. Don't talk about fucking stuff. Chocolate pudding and sardine eating motherfucker. Michael got the last one on you on this. No, fuck that. Get your bagel and smoke salmon eating ass up out of here. You're wearing an outfit I dropped off at the Salvation Army two weeks ago.

Look at them shit. God damn, man. God damn. Yo, God damn. Give him a new Comedy Store sweatshirt. Fuck. You got the 1997 edition. Motherfucker, man.

You just loud, nigga. Microphone mouth ass. You don't need no microphone. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen. No, we got to keep going, bro. What do you mean you got to keep going? Man, fuck this.

I go all day. Overtime. Overtime, nigga. You guys are out of control. Go, go, go. Go ahead, go ahead. Go ahead. You look like Alex Trebek.

Makes sense now. Double Jeopardy face ass. Your dreads have grown an inch since you got on this fucking stage. You want him to fell out. You and Jeremiah got the same nose. Dolphin nose ass. That's Jeremiah over there. Intentional.

I'm not in this. You like to put your nose in drink cans for fun. Oh, my God. All right. Like I said, this should have been over two minutes ago. All right, fuck it, man. David, unbelievable set. Unbelievable roasting, both of you guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. David motherfucking Lucas, you did it again. He's going to be with me in La Jolla the first weekend of March. And also, I'm going to be in Canada

next week in Hamilton with Eric Griffin. Awesome. Motherfucker, you don't have a passport. They're not letting you out of the country, motherfucker. They're not letting you in the country.

You got coronavirus. I love it. There you go. You done being loud? I love it. I love you calling him loud. David Lucas. Wow.

Michael Rapaport. Perhaps the first guy. I haven't got going in a while. I love it. In a while. I'm out of sync. I'll give you credit. Most of the guests back down.

Most of the guests back down after a bit against him. You kept prying him for more. I like that because he looked like he got the palate of a six-year-old. That was fearless. How about a hand for David Lucas and Michael Rappaport? Back and forth and back and forth. Back, back, forth and forth. Let's go back to the bucket, shall we?

You guys having fun out there, huh? Yeah, this place is chaos. People lining the walls, absolutely packed. And your next comedian goes by the name of Coco Lee. Coco Lee, ladies and gentlemen. Coco Lee. Here she comes. Absolutely doodly.

One more time for Coco Lee, everybody. Hello. Hello. Let's go ahead and get this out the way. I know I'm a big black woman. I know we're in a club. I don't sing. I know. It's like the one rule, right?

Like big black women are supposed to sing and bring the church down and hallelujah and honey chat and somebody come get these kids. And Lizzo. I just turned 40. Thank you. I know, I know. Suck it, white women. Black don't crack, but the body do. You know what I'm saying? Like no wrinkles on the outside, I'll be Arthur on the inside. Spoiler alert, I'm single. I'm really set in my ways. I can't imagine being in a relationship, let alone getting married.

It's very terrifying. 50% of all marriage is in a divorce, and I know I'm going to be one of these women that gets married and murders her husband. Hear my cold case headline now. A husband's gone missing. A wife has a suddenly prize winning rose garden. Tonight on Unsolved Mysteries.

Thank you. Fuck yeah Coco Lee everybody. Welcome to the show Coco. Welcome welcome. This is your first time on right? It is. Awesome. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it for a while, but for the last year and a half, I've been doing it as myself and not a character.

Oh, you were doing it for a character for a while, huh? Who was the character? Lady Coco LaRue. Yeah? What was that like? I was emcee for a lot of gay bars in New York. Oh. Uh-huh. That's where I recognize you from. No, gay bars in New York. Oh. Uh-huh.

That's where I recognize you from. No, I'm kidding. I'll just make the joke before Jeremiah does. Did you dress up and stuff? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And what would you dress up as? So I used to work for these queer women who would do like the Victor Victoria style drag. So it was

ladies dressing up as drag queens and also doing drag king stuff as well. The Stonewall Inn. So you'd end up sort of looking like David Lucas at the end of everything, right? No, no, no, no, no. I'd look a lot better than that. Yeah, you're goddamn right. I agree 100%.

Take that, Lucas. I also wanted to let him know he doesn't have to lie on his back. I mean, I'll bend him over. Oh, wow. Is that true? Have you ever done that to a guy before? No, no, no. What's the craziest thing you've done in the bedroom?

If you had to share something fun with us. Come on. Remember Billy Strange? Yeah. He was brave. He was brave, Billy Strange. Yeah, I don't think I'm... Like, I'm crazy on the outside.

I'm not really crazy in the bedroom. So I guess... The way you laughed at the question, I feel like there's something that you could share with the people. Fucking Billy Strange had a... A big pen in his... A big pen in his.

Yeah. Well, did you, would you, I know, no, but I'm saying he set the bar high for the transparency up here. There must be something in all your something.

Come on. Let's say the craziest, like, I don't know, waking up and a guy's doing a fucking line of Coke off my tits. Oh, wow. My goodness. Oh, wow. My goodness.

That's interesting. Wow. That's winner energy. Yeah. That's a way to, that's like a best part of waking up. So, what do you do for work now that you live in L.A.? I am a coordinator for a company that designs large-scale themed entertainment. Oh, cool. So, like, they did, like, the Harry Potter world in Leavesden and snow parks in Dubai, stuff like that.

Wow. Did you have to go to Dubai for that? I don't get to, no. I'm a little low on the totem pole. Yeah. Right. Interesting. What do you go to Dubai for that? I don't get to, no. I'm a little low on the totem pole. Right. Interesting. What do you like to do for fun? How do you fill your time?

You used to emcee big, crazy parties, and now you're just sort of like this corporate stooge. Yeah, now I just drink. Really? You drink a lot? Yeah. Yeah. What's your drink of choice?

Gin. Ooh, y's your drink of choice? Gin. Ooh, yikes. Gin and what? I will do gin and tonics, and if I'm home, I'll do gin martinis. Oh, my goodness. Really? You love it. Yeah.

All right. Huh. Interesting. I mean, I drink. I don't drink anything. You ever have a crazy night out drinking? You do something weird, make a fool out of yourself in any way? Yeah, one show I hosted, I don't know why,

but I had people play that game where they pass the fruit back and forth by their neck. You seen that? Uh-uh. They kind of pass it off like a ball or whatever to the next person, and I would give them an ingredient to a drink that I liked. And at the end, once they had all the ingredients, they would make a drink for me. And once that show was over and I stepped off stage,

I was just blackout drunk. I don't even know what was going on. Right, right. So they would put fruit in their neck. And I passed it. It's like a way to get close to somebody when you've been drinking. Right. It's like body shots.

Yeah, maybe we could show them how it's done. Do you know how to do that? You got a piece of fruit? I thought you had great form when I was watching you from behind here. I was like, damn, she knows how to play. Thank you. You have any fruit over there? What do you got?

We got half a cannoli. You got half a cannoli? Can you put that in your neck? Can you carry it? It's going to be tough. I got a really strong neck. All right, so here we go. Oh, wow.

They're definitely going to end up with cannoli all over them. Oh, there you go. This is so hot. Look at this. Looks like this softball coach just found a new fast pitch. Uh-oh. Here we go. Oh, shit.

Oh, my God. Wow. Look at that. That is very exciting. That's a scene from the last... All right, forget it. Well, Coco, that's fun. Anything else crazy we should know about you?

Any fun facts about Coco Lee or special skills or talents or anything? We know you don't sing, but is there... I don't sing. No, no, no. Anything else about you or your life or your history or the way you were raised or anything like that? I mean, I'm from Tennessee. My parents are from Detroit. Oh.

I don't know what else you want to know. Tennessee. Was it like an urban part of Tennessee or were you raised around a lot of white people? I was raised around a lot of white people. Did you ever deal with racism when you were younger? Oh, absolutely. Like what?

My family was one of like three in the neighborhood. Oh. And two of them are related. Oh, shit. Damn. Oh. Yeah. Oh. What. Oh.

What's the most racist thing that ever happened to you? Jesus. If you don't answer. That guy's laughing with a little bit too much. Yeah, he's really enthusiastic about it. He's like, I want to hear what she has to say. It's about to light a cross on fire right now in the middle of the room. What's the most racist thing that has happened to you?

If you don't answer quick, you're about to have a new answer to the question. No, I'm kidding. I'm not going to be racist, people. That was a joke. Unfortunately, it came from someone black. Oh, beautiful. Then everybody will be able to laugh even easier at this. So go right ahead.

We'll see. The rules of comedy. It was someone told me I wasn't black enough for black audiences. Wow. Damn. That must have hurt your feelings.

It did. What did you say to him? I just told him to fuck off. She called him the N-word. I'm just going to make it up in this room anyway. Damn right. Do you black it up a little if it's a black audience now?

No. You don't change at all? Not really, no. A little bit? You don't even say, like, hey, y'all, at the top? Something like that? That's country. Hey, y'all.

That's my black impression. Hey, y'all, what's up? Good day, everybody. How are my people doing out there tonight? That just sounds like most white people from Tennessee. I know. I know. I was being silly.

My real black person when I really perform. No, forget it. Okay. Coco, very fun performance tonight. So nice to meet you. Thanks for signing up. And come back again. Sign up soon.

We'll see you another new minute. Coco Lee, everybody. Thank you, everybody. She's on social media at TNCocoLee. C-O-C-O-L-E-E. The time has come, ladies and gentlemen, for our final regular. He was made a regular about a month ago.

This guy has been doing stand-up for only a few months, however, has over two decades of Chicago Second City improv training. A lot of his friends and people that he started with are on SNL and doing very serious things. Our friend came down with Lou Gehrig's disease a couple years ago and is now the powerful newest regular here on Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, he is one of the

backbones of this show and an inspiration to us weekly now. I present to you the comedy stylings of Michael Lehrer, everybody. There he is. Yeah, Michael Lehrer! Yeah, motherfuckers! Yeah, baby!

Where you at, David Dreary? Are we ready? I can't see you. Where we at? Over here? You motherfuckers. What camera? That one.

That one? All right. Yeah. Let's set it off, y'all. Man. Yeah, y'all. I'm starting a production company. I'm going to make pornos for disabled people.

It's going to be like the bang bus, except the whore drives and I get strapped securely to the back of the van. I love having an untreatable disease. All I do is can't smoke citrus, share needles, and have unprotected butt fucks. I am Brandon

the Broken. I am the Brown-Eyed Raven. Michael Lehrer is the American dream. Michael Lehrer! It's always my favorite thing when you stop that serious face you do and that little cute smile comes out of nowhere. You're adorable.

Michael Lair. Thank you. Thank you. Michael, what do you think? I'm such a long-term fan. Oh, man, I thought it was awesome, man. And I like your shirt, the ghost face shirt. No doubt. Wu-Tang, baby. Yeah. Wu-term pain. Oh, man, I thought it was awesome, man. And I like your shirt, the Ghostface shirt. No doubt. Wu-Tang, baby.

Yeah. Wu-Tang! Yeah! The reason that you're the old dirty bastard is because today we call the show you guys Ghostface together in the mouth of man.

Wow. He represents Ghostface and Ghostlegs. I love it. So, Michael, Larry, you've been writing and performing a brand new minute every single week. I absolutely loved this set. Really talking about, you know, things that only you can talk about with an incurable disease and things like that.

Yeah. Mixing it all together. Yeah, not only incurable, untreatable, truly fucked. Yeah, it is. Yeah. I know I've said it before, Michael, but I'd be better off with AIDS. How crazy is that? It's pretty crazy.

That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. We grew up in New York in the 80s. That's crazy. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, man. Well, you know what?

If you're lucky, maybe one of these people will give you AIDS by the end of the night. You know what I mean? Oh, well, I definitely opened up to the idea. Yeah. Got nothing to lose. You know what I mean? Who knows? Maybe that's, we just don't know, maybe that's the cure to Lou Gehrig's disease.

Oh, yeah. Maybe. Kind of no AIDS in there. Does anybody have AIDS out there that they could give Michael Lair? We could do it by sounding. Anybody with AIDS want to spit in his butthole real quick? Yeah. I've been a bug chaser for a while.

Yeah. What does that mean, a butt chaser? A bug chaser. A bug chaser. It's like a person who really wants that AIDS. Oh, okay. That AIDS. Fuck yeah.

It's a real thing. Yeah. All I do is internet now because I can't walk. Hey, I prepared a monologue I was gonna try to do it Organically but fuck it But may I perform My monologue

Abso-fucking-lutely you can Alright To what camera Alright This monologue is called Alright, to what camera? Alright. That one. This monologue is called Beautiful Girls by Michael Rapaport. Oh, man. Beautiful girls that make you dizzy like you've been drinking Jack and Coke so morning.

drinking Jack and Coke so morning, that make you feel high, for the single greatest commodity in mankind, promise, promise of a better day, promise of a new tomorrow, and in the promise in the beautiful woman's gate, in her smile, in her soul, in the way she can take every wrong thing about life and make it better. Why the supermodels, Willie? Because they're bottle promised.

Hell yeah. Wow. Wow. Wow. I love that. Michael Lair. That was dope. Hell yeah. It was weird. I love your honesty sometimes.

It's delivery. It's like, I mean, there's something about it. It's crazy because we could tell that the disease is trying to fight you, but your improv training, clearly 20 years of it, you know how to fucking fight it back. The disease is winning. Sorry, Shauna. Sorry, Shauna. Sorry, Shauna.

The disease is being improv. Oh, my God. Tonight was a tough one for me. Tonight was? Yeah, I've been trying to monetize my experience on this show. Like, I do privates in the park

for drugs. Really? Yeah, like, Henry, are you here? Henry? Well, a guy named Henry I feel like if you did a private show for a guy named Henry that gave you drugs in a park, he wouldn't exactly pipe up when you want him to.

No, I give private lessons. Comedy lessons? Whatever you want to talk about. I mean, I hope it's comedy. I hope it's comedy. I hope you're not teaching people how to kick field goals or anything like that. That's for sure. Yeah.

I love football. I don't know football. This is my Super Bowl, y'all. Yeah, you're goddamn right. Absolutely. And you're the fucking champion, my friend. No doubt about it. You're right.

It is your Super Bowl. Michael Lair, I mean, every single week I show up here, you're already here with a big fucking smile on your face, and it keeps the morale sky high around here. You're pushing us. We're pushing you. Yeah, you guys are super negative. What?

What? Yeah, I know. It's really hard to be around. I love you so much. Aw. Hey, I'm the American Dreamer. I'll never give up. Nope.

Never give up. How many of you out there think Michael Laird is going to be the first person ever to beat Lou Gehrig's disease? There you go. Oh, wow. that lady stood up. Look at that. She's teasing you. She's fucking with you because you can't do that. What a bitch.

That bitch, she had no idea what she was talking about. And now she's like, look at me, motherfucker. I'm old and I can't stand. like me, motherfucker. I'm old and I can stand. How loud can this place get? One more time for the great Michael Lehrer, everybody.

And that is tonight's episode of Kill Tony. This is the drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. Look at that. He did all that while you guys were sitting there doing less than nothing. Every single print's available at ryanjebel.com and it's going to be coming at that. He did all that while you guys were sitting there doing less than nothing. Every single print's available, ryanjebelt.com, and it's going to be coming at that live stream camera in just a second.

Guys, it's all happening. I implore you, once again, go watch Windy City Heat on YouTube. Do a little bit of research before next week's show. I promise you you're going to thank me. If you have seen it, watch it again. I watch it at least once or twice a year i show all of my friends it when i want to blow their minds uh it is one of the greatest comedies of all time the creator of that movie don barris will be here we're talking about a

black belt level comedy store comedian who closes out every single show in the original room you've heard stories about brody stevens you've heard stories about Brody Stevens. You've heard stories about Brian Holtzman. Those guys close the main room a couple few nights a week. Don Barris has closed the original room almost every single night since I got here 12 1⁄2 years ago. We've been trying to get him on this show since episode one, and we are finally able to lock him down for next week

with some of his closest partners in crime. So that's a big deal. How loud can this place get one more time for the great Michael Rappaport, huh? Fun times, Michael Rappaport. Stress Factory, February 13th to the 15th, Chicago the 29th, michaelrapaportcomedy.com, and go check them out at IamRapaport. Thanks for being here, Michael.

Fun times. Thank you so much for having me. Guys, he did it again. Jeremiah Watkins was here, everybody. How about a hand for Coach Roy Robeson, everybody? The little baby boy is all grown ups and he's out there headlining all to himself. Be some of the first people to catch him

doing his own long one hour sets out there on the road. Buffalo, New York, February 6th through the 8th. Syracuse, New York, February 13th to the 15th. Albany, New York, February 27th and 29th. It's important to note those three cities, I'm never going to you again. I hate those three cities. So the closest thing you're ever going to get

to seeing me in your hometown is going out and seeing Jeremiah Watkins. He hasn't been there yet. He doesn't know how bad of cities those are. San Antonio, Texas, March 5th through the 7th. Huntington Beach, March 14th. And Vegas, March 15th. Jeremiah Wonders haston Beach March 14th and Vegas March 15th Jeremiah Wonders has a new episode out

right now anything else Jeremiah Ryan J Ebelt is the guest on Jeremiah Wonders this week so look out for that very cool follow me on socials Jeremiah stand up and youtube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins love you guys guys you know where you love her quickly becoming one of the

absolute favorites on this show. How about a hand for the great Jessie Johnson, everybody? She's on social media at Jetski Johnson. Anything else, Jessie? Thanks for having me. We love you, Jessie. Thanks for joining

us. Amazing on the trumpet. How about Chroma Chris, everybody? Silent but deadly. Chroma, what'd you think about tonight's episode? It had the heart of a champion, Tony. Anything else? Yes. We have a huge shout out to give to GNL Guitars,

who has hooked us up with some new instruments. Wow, that's huge. GNL is huge. And thank you to Ernie Ball as well. And we got more coming. I'm going to write that down so we can give them a shout out at the top of next week's episode. GNL Guitars. GNL Guitars. Fuck yeah.

Absolutely. Guys, you know them. You love them. The backbone. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Right there. Joel is mostly sorry on social media. Anything else, Joel?

Yeah, we had a sales comedy hole tomorrow with Trevor Wallace and Jamie Kennedy. I love it. Hey, guys, look. I said his name three times. He popped up. It's Don Barris. Joining us next week, I just told these people three times to go check out Windy City Heat on YouTube. Do their research.

The big three will be here next week. That's huge. If that's not huge news to you, that means you have to go see the fucking movie immediately. Go to YouTube, type in the words Windy City Heat. Whichever thing pops up is about an hour and a half. Watch that.

Your mind's going to be blown within the first four minutes. That's that. I think that covers everything. Don't forget, still a couple tickets left for Vancouver, Swansea, Massachusetts, La Jolla, Tacoma, Boston, and Austin. We just added a second show to that big Boston show, April 9th. So get your tickets for that. If you're going to the first one, maybe you want to go to both of them if you're a diehard fan from Boston.

So get on it, April 9th. I believe that link goes live tomorrow. Red Band? Love you guys. See you later. If you're going to the first one, maybe you want to go to both of them if you're a diehard fan from Boston. So get on it. April 9th. I believe that link goes live tomorrow. Red Band? Love you guys. See you later. Love you. Good night, everybody.meme me me me me

me me meもうさっきさわりさYou are さすればそれまるで 奪うあなた色に染めます 何かというを見つけては あきらめたいのね Thank you.