KILL TONY - KILL TONY #435

Episode Date: February 14, 2020

Don Barris, Walter 'Mole' Molinski, Perry Caravello, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, David Deery, Brandon Thompson, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 02/03/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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with the new iced hazelnut O'Shaken espresso. Need to cozy up with a tea latte? There should be nothing stopping you from achieving all your goals. You've got this. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv, for everything Kill Tony, including past episodes of the show, video portions. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Not only do we record every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California, but we are on the road all the time.

So if you click on tour dates, you can see that we're in Vancouver, Swansea, La Jolla, Ventura, Washington, Boston, Austin, a bunch of dates. Click on tour dates at DeathSquad.tv. Also, check out Tony's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his stand-up dates. So go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every single episode of Kill Tony. You can check out his website, RyanJEbelt.com. He has posters, prints. He draws every single episode of Kill Tony. You can check out his website, ryanjebelt.com. He has posters, prints. He even has the Kill Tony book there. So check out ryanjebelt.com.

And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. There you have the official Kill Tony t-shirt, including Death Squad hats and shirts and mugs. Go to shopsquad.tv, the official merchandise of Kill Tony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Here it up for Tony Hitchclap. Fuck yes. Here we are, guys.

This is it. Comedy history. Kill Tony. Look, it's Brian Red Band, everybody. Hey, everybody. Here we are, guys. This is it. Comedy history. Kill Tony. Look, it's Brian Redman, everybody. Hey, everybody. Here we are, guys. How exciting is this? You guys excited to be here?

Welcome to the Comedy Store, everybody. We are live streaming. Going on the road again. We have to mention that. It's happening, guys. We are going to Vancouver, Canada. Shout out to Tempe, Arizona. Coming out, showing out

this weekend to see me do stand-up comedy. Five crazy packed shows. So much fun. We're going back to Vancouver. February 21st, we're doing Kill Tony East. February 29th, La Jolla. March 8th, I'm doing a weekend of stand-up there, the 5th through the 7th. Tacoma

has a Kill Tony. March 20th, and stand-up, and maybe a second Kill Tony? I'm not sure. I've got to get the details on that. But. Tacoma has a Kill Tony March 20th, and stand-up, and maybe a second Kill Tony? I'm not sure. I've got to get the details on that, but Tacoma definitely has a Kill Tony coming to them and the Kill Tony crew. Of course, we're going to Skank Fest South. Our brothers from Other Mothers out in New York, the Skanks, are going to be in Houston

March 27th to the 29th. Kill Tony Boston, April 9th, with an entire weekend of stand-up, the 10th and 11th. That April 9th show has sold out, but we just added another show immediately following it right after. And then Moon Tower, April 23rd to the 25th, which I just found out is exactly when Rogan and Chappelle are doing arenas in Nashville. Fuck my life completely. What a beautiful world we live in. Yes, it always works out exactly that way.

Anyway, shout-out to Vito's Pizza for the amazing pizza that we have every night here before the show. And I'm excited to reveal next week's guest right now live right here, exclusive. It's going to be Dan Soder and Dom Irera. Two of, no big deal, just two of the literally

the funniest human beings in the world. Sometimes booking this show not as easy as it seems. It can be painful sometimes. And living with chronic pain in the world. Sometimes booking this show, not as easy as it seems. It can be painful sometimes, and living with chronic pain is the worst. It's more than a feeling of discomfort. It can affect your whole life. Many of our listeners probably have some type of pain that has prevented

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This discount also applies towards any product site-wide. Just go to omaxhealth.com today and enter the code KILTONI. That's O-M-A-X-Health.com and enter the code KILTONI to get 20% off Cryo-Freeze and site-wide. Anyone from athletes to Grandma Josie can benefit from immediate pain relief with Omax Cryo-Freeze. Simply roll it over wherever it hurts and ice out the pain. No messy creams or horrible fragrances like some of those other products. Cryo-Freeze works within 10 minutes of application, improving physical training, recovery, and performance. So go to OmaxHealth.com and enter the code KILLTONY to get 20% off Cryo-Freeze and site-wide.

I'm telling you, this product is the real deal. Go to OMAX.com, OMAXHealth.com, and enter the code KILLTONY to get 20%ze and site-wide. I'm telling you, this product is the real deal. Go to omax.com, omaxhealth.com, and enter the code KILLTONY to get 20% off and site-wide. There you go. Absolutely. Oh, yes. How could I forget? The great Ryan J. Ebelt is here, ladies and gentlemen, drawing tonight's episode. How absolutely exciting, because this is an epic episode. Again, we've been doing this show over six and a half years. More live podcast episodes than any other live podcast in the world. It's an exciting time because I have been trying to get these guests on since the absolute start of the show. However, we always run up against them because, of course,

the longest running show in Comedy Store history is also on Monday nights at 10 p.m. every Monday called The Ding Dong Show, which is hosted by the first guy I'm going to bring out. Ladies and gentlemen, the king of late night. You know him from Jimmy Kimmel Live. You know him as one of the stars of our favorite movie, Windy City Heat. I present to you the great Don Barris. Wow. Wow. Wow. And you know him from Fun University.

One, two, and 3D. Another one of my favorite characters from Windy City Heat. How about a big hand for the one and only Walter Molmalenski. Yes. only Walter Mole Malinsky. Yes. Hell yeah. There he is. Welcome, Mole. How are you, buddy? Welcome, welcome. Fuck yeah. Don's here.

And I'm going to hand for Perry, everybody. My best friend. My best friend. His name is Perry Caravello Stand We'll get you a chair No Perry don't do that David Deary how can we fuck this up

David David grab a chair They need a chair You know what I'm sorry Perry When you thought about having The big three on this show They need a chair. There's only two chairs. You know what? I'm sorry, Perry. When you thought about having the big three on this show, did you think I'll just put the two chairs out there?

I don't know. That's David Deary. It's not your problem. Perry, squeeze on in here a little bit. There's going to be people coming in behind you and around you here. Hey, that wouldn't be the first time with him. I'm not supposed to touch him. Welcome to the show, guys.

This is so exciting. Don is baroscoping right now. You know this is a live podcast. You could just tell them to go to YouTube.com. Oh, really? Yeah, Don. All right. Well, let me introduce one person, and then when you go through, what do you want to do right now? Because I'll tell you this.

First of all, for the big three, for the people that were coming here tonight to see the show, thank you for having us on your show. Oh, look how nice. And let me tell you this. This son of a bitch here with the huge cock did something that was unbelievable. Because what he did, last week,

he announced that we were going to be on the show. And he told people to go watch the movie. Over 100,000 people watched because of this guy right here. So I want to thank Tony Hinchcliffe and Red Bandit and everybody on Kill Tony. We're about to do it tonight, Don. Can I just ask a question of the audience? Who likes to fuck? Yeah.

That's fun. Okay, great. Me too. audience who likes to fuck okay great me too well something you guys might not know about this show is that we do have a band on it every single episode you guys know about this at all there's a live band every single episode they commit to being different characters we never know what they're going to be it's always a surprise to us. Maybe it's the return of some famous characters they've done in the past. Maybe it's brand new characters we've never seen before. We're all about to find out right now what they are tonight. I present to you the best damn band in the

land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Jesse Johnson, Jolbert Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Wow. Look at this. Wow. Incredible.

My mind is blown. These guys are something else tonight. I don't think we've ever seen these ones before. One's got a Powerade. How exciting. They're popping off. Hell yeah.

All right. Get to your seats, guys. That's a long intro. Fuck yeah. It's a little bit longer every week, huh? All right. What is this unit here? Hey, my name's G-Mac.

We're social media influencers. Wow. Social media influencers. This is exciting. G-Mac, are you any relation to Kevin Mac? He's my brother. Oh, wow. How exciting.

And who are you, young lady? Hi, I'm Cassandra May. Wow. Welcome, Cassandra. What do you do on your social media posts? You know, like, whatever. I'm so happy I could be here tonight because I got my clip here, so it was so very... Wow.

And then over there, we have Chroma Chris, right? What's going on there? Ha ha ha ha! Oh. What up, name's Tristan. I'm coming to your live from Kill Tony. What up? on there? What up, name's Tristan. I'm coming to you live from Kill Tony. What up? Tristan?

I'm staying fresh with some Powerade, and I'm getting tipsy with some effing vodka. You know what I mean? Wow. That is incredible. You can also go ahead and head over to my favorite website, Pornhub. You can use promo code REDBand for 20% off. That is incredible.

My goodness, Tristan. You and I have the same facial hair. That's very exciting. And then back here, clearly, we have what appears to be one of the most beautiful Mexican lesbians I've ever seen in my life. What's your name, little boy? Name's Elon, Tony. I'm non-binary

and I'm a social media influencer for Bang Energy Drink Fuel Your Destiny. Wow. My goodness gracious. How exciting. Yeah, I got it. Beautiful. Fun stuff. Well, we have the big three. Perry, are you excited to be here?

You gotta talk into a mic, you fucking moron. Sorry about that. I'll hold it for you. I'm very excited. Full house? Yeah. Very excited. Done?

Done. Not supposed to touch him. Not supposed to shake his hand. You've got to bow to him. Like what? Yeah, because of all these diseases that are going around. Bow or fist bump. That's it.

Wow. What disease are you most afraid of, Perry? All of them. Oh, okay. The coronavirus, SARS, a fucking flu, you know. Or excuse me if I'm not supposed to use the F word. Tony, can I just throw something at you? Just the flu.

You can interrupt him because he gets bored very quickly. Oh, okay. Very good. Well, then I will. Can I just introduce somebody real quick to get them out of here? Mary Jane, come here for just a second. Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Mary Jane, everybody. She's the producer of the Big 3 Podcast.

There she is. Mary Jane. Wow. Everybody say hi, Mary Jane. Hi, Mary Jane. How exciting. And Tom. Hey, Perry, why don't you introduce your publicist?

Why don't you introduce your publicist? Introduce your publicist. My publicist is somewhere. Don't hold it up against my lips. I don't know. Am I holding it about an inch away? I got it. I got away? I got it. I got it. I got it.

I'll take this. I'll take this. Okay, I'll get a two shot. You do that. It's a two shot. Easy. My publicist is somewhere in the audience. He's right backstage.

And his name is Tom Brennan. All right. Give him an easy... Touch him. You don't have to applaud. We may as well be holding hands now. Hey, maybe for those that know, he's very good friends with John Quincy Adams for nine months.

Oh, wow. They raped a lot. Well, let's give him a nice hand. I just wanted to let you see them. Tom and Mary Jane, everybody. There you go, Tom and Mary Jane. All right, now we'll stop this. Mo, say goodbye to everybody.

Would you say goodbye, Tony? Yes, goodbye to you 40 people on Don's Periscope right now. Oh, yeah, 46, you fuck. We're live streaming to thousands of people right now. I have 65 billion followers, dude. So we have the whole crew here. We have the big three for the first time in the show's entire history, the great Don Beres,

Mole, Molenski, and Perry. And the band is Social Media Influencers. We got Red Band and his soundboard, which brings me to this, everybody. It's the great and powerful Bucket of Destiny, everyone. I pull your name out of this bucket. That means you get

60 seconds on this stage uninterrupted. Anything can happen. You know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. Wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. And then I lead an interview. We find out more about you and we get your comedy judged by

Don Mullen Perry and see what else they have to say about life. Okay. Can I just say something? Sure. That kitten was adorable. You want to grab this? It is really sweet. Yeah, I'm going to do it.

You can just leave it down, but if you want to hold it, I mean, it's okay. I want to be part of the fun. No, yeah. Hold it up, Don. You guys ready to start this fucking show? Guys. Put your hands together for your first comedian tonight. Going up first on this

historical show, he goes by the name of Adrian Savilla. Adrian Savilla. Here we go. This is Kill Tony. Adrian Sabilla. You checking that lobby? Nope.

Wow. All right. Someone asking the lobby? Is that Adrian? No. He just ruined his career. Wow. Big mistake right there.

You'll never work in this town. Shut the fuck up, Perry. Where's David Deary at? David Deary? You have pressure on him now. I just unsubscribed. Where's David Deary? David Deary, can you hear me?

That's exactly what the fuck I thought. It's unbelievable. Can you hear me? One job to do. Where'd he go? All right. Put your hands together for your first comedian. He wanted to know where he went.

That's pretty good. Can you do that again, Perry? Where did he go? Wow. That's like his catchphrase. All right. Your first comedian goes by the name of Gray Ying Diamond. Gregory Diamond, perhaps.

Gregory Diamond. Can we get that spotlight? Is there any movement here? Here we go. Gregory Diamond. This is very exciting. The big three. Kill Tony.

The powers are combined tonight. We are crossing the streams. The big three. Kill Tony. The powers are combined tonight. We are crossing the streams. Here he comes. Come on up, Gregory. One more time for your first comedian, Gregory Diamond, with an uninterrupted 60 seconds. Could somebody take a picture of this? Nobody's going to believe me. Seriously.

I got to tell you. I mean me seriously I gotta tell you I mean I gotta tell you I've been going out I've been with this woman for over 20 years and she just broke up with me and I'm fucking serious she did and I'm looking for apartments

all this shit she tells me out of the top of the list, the reason why she really broke up within 20 years is, and I'm, you know, I'm using this opportunity to just say it, because my pubic hairs were too, were too long. And I, I gotta say, it's true. She said when I was having sex with her, she said she felt the pubic hairs in her ass,

and I guess that turned her off, but that's what 20 years will do. It's 20 years. I got nothing up here, but I'm very... Yeah, I want to, you know, I mean, I want to show myself down there. Alright, okay. Very good. It's a little something. Gregory Diamond. It's Gregory

Diamond. Hold on to that microphone, Gregory. Grab that microphone. Grab that microphone. Bring it back out of this stand. Relax. What are you giving me? Relax, Greg. Just take a breath for a second. Alright? Jesus, like Woody Allen on Adderall. I'm sorry.

Creepy fucking dude you are, man. Stanley 2-2 with AIDS. I'm not with my, you know, I don't fuck around with my relatives. Alright. Fuck yeah. Or his wife anymore. Because she broke up with you. Seriously.

Did that really happen, Gregory? I'm looking for apartments. You're like Mrs. Maisel's brother, Mr. Miserable. I'm miserable. Because you got up when she got divorced. No, no. We're not even married. We've been together for 20 years.

I gave her the ring. Now she's like, you can't commit. She tells me this, but it's 20 years later. God, 20 years she was able to last with you? I can't even. It's been two and a half minutes, and I fucking hate your guts. Gregory Diamond, my goodness. So how long ago did the big breakup happen, Gregory?

It's within a week. Within a week. And now she got her own apartment on her own today. Yeah. Sorry, ladies. He's single. I guess that means it's over, right? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Is this all? This is all. Wait, Perry. Shut up. Perry, if you're going to say something, you have to have a microphone up to your mouth. Why did you pick my name? Gregory, shut the fuck up.

Perry, what did you say? I said that might be her clapping in the audience. That's what you did? It's a fucking nightmare. You're embarrassing the big three. So Gregory, that's your first time doing stand-up? No. Oh, wow.

Oh, yikes. A lot of 20 years of practice. Really? I'm making a comeback, seriously. This is the beginning of the comeback. Maybe I got another 20 years. So you started stand-up how long ago?

1999. In 1999. And then when did you stop? 1999? That's right. I gotta tell you, I feel like he already killed himself and this is his ghost. That's fucking great. I love it. I love this guy. I fucking love him.

Leave him alone. You go over there. What? What? Gregory. I've never seen a teacher do a school shooting, but this is what I think it would look like. This is great. I love it.

Were you going to say Don Barris? I was going to say that, first of all, I think that what you did, you came out, you talked about yourself, which I think is very, very difficult, but you're performing in front of maybe one of the worst audiences I've ever seen in my fucking life. Oh, my goodness.

Fuck you. But the best looking. But the best looking. Best looking audience. There's a lot of good people you. But the best looking. But the best looking. Best looking audience. There's a lot of good people here. There's good people. You guys understand. You guys are fabulous.

Gregory, shut your rambling fucking mouth. God, you are unbearable, dude. Who am I going to talk? I don't have anybody to talk. This is it. Okay, let's get some. All the kids are in their houses now. What's he supposed to do?

What is this? What are you giving me? How about Perry? Your thoughts, Perry. Yeah, that's what I was just going to do. You got a good setup, but you got to find a good punch. Okay? Setup, then punch.

Okay, right. I got to have a punch. Tell them where you went to school to learn comedy. Gregory, shut up when he's talking! Shut your fucking mouth, dude. Oh my God. Jesus. Sit on the floor so that Gregory can see that.

Sit on the floor. I'm going to sit on the floor. I'm going to sit on the floor. Where did you go to comedy school? Discuss it on the floor. Where did you go to comedy school? Tell them that. I went to a few comedy, I went to a few different comedy schools, but the best one was Greg Dean's Comedy Workshop.

Yeah. Sandy Short, too. She was good. That's Workshop. Yeah. Sandy Short, too. She was good. Sandy Short's okay. She's not Greg Dean. Greg Dean's the best. All right, man. Gregory Diamond, do you have any...

Oh, sorry, Perry. What was that? That's a free plug for Greg Dean. There you go. Absolutely. And that's the place where you learn. Set up and then punch. That's all you need.

Those two things. I'm going to stand up. Do you mind? Sure. Just stop talking so much, Gregory. You don need. Those two things. I'm going to stand up. Do you mind? Sure. Just stop talking so much, Gregory. You don't need to announce everything. I'm going to announce it. Do you have any special skills or talents or anything like that?

You can do magic tricks or juggle or something like that? He can make his wife disappear. No. I am here to amuse you He's actually a magician And that was the escape act There's the punchline I'd like to see what you look like with your shirt off

Can we do that? Hang on, Don, none of this gay shit I'll take my jacket It's terrible That's the punch That's how you made's terrible. That's the punch. That's how you made your wife escape. That's it.

How? She moved out, or she threw him out. Why? Tell him how you choked your wife at one point. Fuck you. Tell her. I've got to be honest with you. She's broken up with me. Gregory, shut your fucking mouth.

Stop fucking talking until someone asks you a fucking question. You absolute imbecile. Do you have your wife's phone number right here? I'd like to call her right now in front of everybody here. Do you have it? Let's do that shit. I like the way you think, Don. What is your number? Let's do that shit. Yeah, let's do that shit. Yeah. I like the way you think, Don.

What is her number? Wait, don't say it into the microphone. Greg can't do anything without talking out loud. So you don't want it to go out over the podcast, Gregory Diamond. Okay, let's see. What is her name? Tabitha. Tabitha.

Yeah. Fuck yeah. Tabitha. Fuck yeah. It went off. Let's see if it works here. This is very exciting. We're going to find out if she's getting railed by a black man right now. Sebastian knows the story. He knows the story.

Sebastian knows the story. Sebastian what? Sebastian. What are you saying? People know. We're waiting for Tabitha. People know about this Tabitha. Oh, okay.

Thank you. All right, let's see. I don't know what. $27. She's not going to pick up the phone. Yeah, why? She's getting fucked right now. All right.

This really didn't work out. Thanks for giving us a shitty number, man. Here, turn up here. All right. She's not going to pick up the phone. She's scared. It's all good. Gregory, you might be one of my least favorite people

that have ever been out on the show. Don't, don't, don't. You don't want the number out there, so just end the call. All right, Gregory. You are literally the worst. I'm the worst. You're just inconsolable. You're set, I mean, just bottom of the barrel.

And then during the interview part, you just keep talking about every single thing while other people are talking. Ask me something. Nope. There he goes. Gregory Diamond, everybody. Thanks.

That's the risk you take here on Kill Tony. Thanks, guys. Pretty easy. Pretty easy, the interview part. You basically just listen to the questions and then tell the truth in an honest answer afterwards.

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Tell Tabitha that we want her to come on this show next week. She has an automatic spot. I bet she will. Panicky. All right. Yeah, that was just proof that none of this show is produced out of this bucket. God, thank God that guy didn't see this sword, huh? Oh, my God.

What a mess. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys get the show? You having any fun yet? Here we go. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Ari Monaghan, everybody. Ari Monaghan.

Oh, look at this. She's right here. Here she comes. Ari Monaghan. One more time for Ari, everybody. Fucking knew this was going to happen. I'm Irish. That means I'm lucky.

It also means I'm drunk. Hello. Nice to meet all of you fine people. Well, this is, I just, I moved from Atlanta. I just moved to LA about three months ago. The, I feel like everybody's into recycling, but like more in like an Instagram kind of way. Like, look, I threw my Vita Coco in the recycling.

You're welcome. But no one's really going to give a shit about it until the Instagram model's tits start melting. Yeah, we need trees to breathe. Okay. Guys, Kylie's melting. Fuck fossil fuels, guys. Come on. Get Elon on this the uh

like I said I'm from Atlanta LA is new to me the one thing that is not new is traffic and weed we have both although in Atlanta we just have weed we don't have like yellow dream like mom's trap door you know

all these fancy names it's just weed the actually the first time i was out here six days ago um i was at a hostel trying to look cool so there you go ari monahan everybody it has begun there you go very Very good, guys. Very good. Jesus. Wow, enough with that fucking song. Welcome, Ari Monahan, one of the few Aries that's allowed to perform stand-up right now in public.

Welcome, welcome. So you've been in L.A. three months. How long have you been doing stand-up? I started at 4.30 today. I'm not kidding. doing stand-up? I started at 4.30 today. I'm not kidding. Wow, you had your first spot at 4.30 today. Yeah, it was where they pull out of a bucket and give you a theme. Wow.

So I'm on brand. Look at that. You have a bucket luck. Very exciting stuff. And what made you start stand-up comedy today? I've been being told since I was eight that I should do stand-up, and nothing else really worked. I'm not skinny enough to model,

and I'm not pretty enough to be stupid. Damn right. Well, I'll tell you this. So far, you are by far the best comedian that's been pulled out of the bucket on this show. The other guy started in 1999. I don't even think you were born yet. Just bombing since

99, like fucking Iran or something like that. So welcome, welcome. Very exciting. So you've been in LA three months. What's your big plan here? You have a job? Barely. I'm a nanny, so kind of sad this is public.

Why? Has anyone ever watched Desperate Housewives? You know Brie, how everything's perfect and she's out of her mind and she might kill you? That's my boss. If I may say something, I thought you were absolutely wonderful. And since it's your first day ever doing stand-up, that took a lot of fucking balls. It's been a long time. No since it's your first day ever doing stand-up, that took a lot of fucking balls. It's been a long time.

No, it's the other one. And in front of this crowd that has nothing but hate in their damn hearts, I thought you did a wonderful job. Let's check in with a guy who's been to many comedy schools, Perry Carabello. Yeah, if this is your first time, you're doing a great job. That's what I just said, you fucking idiot. Hey, can I give her the compliment as well? But I said that, and you said exactly what I said. Would you have said that if I was ugly?

Ooh, good question. Would you have said that if she was ugly, Perry? Again, like I was telling the last guy, instead of a punch thing, say it to her about that. Find a good comedy coach to help you and work your stuff out. Got it to her about that. Find a good comedy coach to help you and work your stuff out. And the best one to go to is Greg Dean's Comedy Class.

This show is sponsored by Greg Dean's Comedy Class. I'd rather test the speed weed to be honest with you. Greg Dean's Comedy Class. Wow. Very cool. Is it inappropriate if I try my very first crowd work right here? Because I have a comment, but it's comedy class. Wow. Very cool. Is it inappropriate if I try my very first

crowd work right here? Because I have a comment, but it's not nice. You have a comment on somebody in the audience? If, who's Kylo Ren? Adam Driver.

If Adam Driver grew up in the woods, it's this guy. Wow. You did it. Now you know what crowd work really is like. Sad as fuck.

Now you know how easy we all make it look when we do it. It's incredible. Let them know it's coming. Let them know it's coming. I got one. You're like if Barbie was raised by Roseanne Barr. Hey. I'll take it.

Jolbert, one for one tonight. Or as one would say, Roseanne Barbie. There you go. Shout out to Bang Energy Drink. Joel Burr, one for one tonight. Or as one would say, Roseanne Barbie. There you go. Shout out to Bang Energy Drink. A little piece of advice when doing crowd work. It can't be like a compliment. I think Adam Driver is known as like a good-looking, successful guy.

And you're like, this guy looks like Adam Driver. Yeah, well, he lost the Oscar last night. He's a loser. I don't think you really lose Oscars. I think you just don't win. Getting nominated is big. Let's check in with the one, the only, the G-Mac. Yeah.

If anything, that guy looks like if Scott Stapp was a lumberjack more than anything. Oh, wow. Again, proving how hard crowd work is. But after you say the one, the only and build it up like that, the timing, I didn't even know if I wanted to go through with it. Hashtag subscribe to my YouTube channel. Try it again.

Do it again. Hey, you look like Jason Momoa if he just got pussy all the time. I love this complimentary crowd work. It's not as easy as it looks, people. Man, you must go to the gym like five days a week, bro. And look at all those tattoos. Women love you.

Look at that girl right there. Look at how beautiful she looks. Oh, yeah. But you're wonderful to have sex with, too. Take it easy, Dan. Take it easy. No, I'm going to say it. You guys are a cute couple. Hell, yeah. But you're wonderful to have sex with, too. Take it easy, Dan. Take it easy. No, I'm going to say it. You guys are a cute couple.

Hell, yeah. Ari, you have any special skills or talents? What do you do for fun? Looks like Kat Von D and Kat Von Don. You know what I mean? Okie dokie. Wow. All right.

So, Ari, back to the... Did you hear the question I asked? Do I have special skills? Yeah. I mean... Just kidding. I speak Spanish, which was only useful this morning, which this is not a joke.

It is just a thing that happened. We wouldn't expect one out of you. I know, right? Obviously. Yeah, I have a trust fund, clearly, so I don't need to be funny either. Me too. My roommate got her computer fixed yesterday,

and somebody had new photos on her iCloud, and she had a full meltdown about it because there were three pictures that were new and they were Spanish and I read one of them to her and it said, there's a new planet coming. Send this to all your friends

or the radiation will kill you. But it was in Spanish. Do you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? Ay caramba. No, definitely not. What do you like to do for fun when you're not nannying or... Getting made fun of.

I like to skateboard. You do? As you can tell by my lesbian attire. Perry's a skateboarder. There's my sport. There's my sport. Perry, how long have you been skateboarding for? I got the mic.

Let him hold it. On and off since 1974. Awesome. Wow. I had to take a break from 1970. Because you broke your neck skateboarding. He broke his neck because he saw this lady and he goes, hey, watch this. Sorry.

He was like 46. Ari, how old are you? I'm 23. Do you have any advice for her? She's only 23, Perry. Any skateboarding advice? Always wear your safety equipment, number one. Find a great skate coach.

And I only skate skate parks now. I don't street skate any longer. Sick, dude. Why don't you street skate? Why don't you street skate? When he lived in Palm Springs, he would cruise up and down the avenue on his skateboard with half a t-shirt,

short shorts. He'd just drive the guys in Palm Springs crazy. That's street style. That's when you look right at the guy while you're doing it, nose to nose. And it's scary. That's why he doesn't do street style no more. Guys, guys, come on. Don't be rude.

He didn't do street style back in his day. They were cobblestone. It's hard. Come on. Okay, let's check back in with Terry. Again, people just starting to stand up. Maybe just let the show breathe a little bit when the professionals are talking. Did you just get a divorce with a guy that was on earlier?

This is her. It's Tabitha, everybody. Perry, what were you going to say? He was interrupting me. He just freaking... You're nervous in front of the big crowd. No, not memories. It was disgusting. But why don't I street skate anymore? It's just

because I don't want to get hurt like I used to. You broke your neck twice skateboarding. That's enough to quit. I broke my neck behind the wheel because of an old lady on the wrong side of the freeway. That was the first... Oh, you're bringing that? Wow. That was the first... Set up and punch.

Second break was coming out of the bowl about four or five feet in the air and then going straight to my right eye. Okay. All right. Okay. That was the second break. That's enough.

Yep. And then I had to get three discs. Okie dokie. Fuck yeah. Well, Ari, congratulations. Your then I had to get three discs. Okie dokie. Fuck yeah. Well, Ari, congratulations. Your first day doing stand-up comedy. You're getting multiple spots in. You're super lucky.

Thank you. Destiny called your name here today. And sign up again. Come back. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Ari Monahan, everybody. I believe her second time ever on a stage.

Today, her first day of doing stand-up comedy. time ever on a stage today. Her first day of doing stand-up comedy. Very exciting stuff happening here. Very, very, very exciting. Can I hold the bucket? Yeah, sure.

Alright, your next comedian coming on the stage goes by the name of Sean Fawaz. Sean Fawaz. Here we go. Here comes Sean Fawaz out of the lobby area. This is very exciting. It's a guy that's had to stand up due to the room being in capacity

every single week here at Kill Tony. Live fire hazard, Sean Fawaz. One more time for Sean, everybody. All right. So, a little about myself. Besides being a straight guy with resting gay face. Look, I'm just saying

that on the pretty boy to handsome man spectrum, I look more like a bottom. But on top of that, I'm also a first generation American. My dad is from Lebanon and my mom is from Taiwan. I'm what happens when Aladdin takes Mulan on a magic carpet ride.

Yeah, I'm a product of Disney Hub. But despite being raised by a tiger mother and a terrorist father, the truth is I'm actually whitewashed as fuck. Like, the other day I was in my CrossFit class. Yeah, finish it, finish it, finish it. You're in your CrossFit class and?

Which is the whitest way you could start a sentence. And it goes on for, like, another minute or two. Oh, perfect. That's great. That's the end of it. Sean Fawaz, everybody. Fuck yeah. Welcome, perfect. That's great. That's the end of it. Sean Fawaz, everybody. Fuck yeah. Welcome, Sean. Welcome. I know what it's like being a straight guy that seems gay in every single possible way.

And Perry knows what it's like to be a gay guy that looks straight. Right, Perry? Uh, excuse me? He just said what the truth was. Go ahead. Say what you were going to say Alright Speak your truth You did a very good set

Thanks man Very good set up Very good punch Appreciate that Are you coming on to him? Can you stop flirting for two seconds? I'm not flirting I'm telling the guy a compliment

Wow That's not flirting you jag off If you were going to be with him Perry Would you be on top or bottom? I wouldn't be with him He jagoff. If you were going to be with him, Perry, would you be on top or bottom? I wouldn't be with him, you diamond. He said if. If. If you were going to.

If. If you were going to. I'm not saying that you would. If you had to choose one or the other. There isn't a choose. But if. No, there is no if. But if it did happen.

There is no if. Let's say you got rid of your clown religion. Let's say you left your clown religion. Never. Don, I think he's not answering because I think he would pick bottom. I think he's having some big feelings, you guys. Hashtag Perry might be gay. I was upstairs one time and he kissed me in front of a group of people.

That's true. Whoa, whoa. You fucking picked me up off the ground. He kissed me in front of a group of people. That's true. Whoa, whoa. You fucking picked me up off the ground, you... He kissed me. I'm sorry. You fucking tried to... Take it easy. Be professional, Perry, for once.

Be professional. It's a big show. We're trying to impress people that don't know us. Sit down. Shut the fucking mouth. You shut the fuck up. You shut your mouth. Don't ever say that again your mouth and don't ever say that again about me. Don't ever say that again about me.

All right, I won't. You'll lose your life. Perry. The nose. The nose. I want nothing to do. Don't ever fuck with me again. No, no, no, no.

The fucking nose. I won't do it. All right, I want to apologize to everybody. Just so everybody knows, the nose is the mafioso that Perry knows who he's been threatening us with. I'm not supposed to say anything about it. Curious straight man. It is a category on Pornhub.com. You can use promo code Redman.

There you go. Chroma Chris over there. Perry, you got very mad there. I just want to remind you, there are thousands and thousands of people watching. You can't assault someone on this show. The police will just come straight here. Make him apologize to me. Will you please apologize?

No, he better apologize to me first. I already said it. I already said I'm sorry. Perry, this is... Now your turn. I apologize. I'm sorry. For what? For what? For what? No, I'm not going to put it in. Big three!

Yeah! And we are back. So, Sean, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About four months. Four months. Awesome. All of it here in Los Angeles? Yeah.

And this is where you're from originally? From Orange County, Huntington Beach. Cool. What do you do for work? I am a brand ambassador for Bitchin' Sauce. Wow. Cool. What do you do for work? I am a brand ambassador for Bitchin' Sauce. Wow, look at that. Where in Orange County do you live?

Do you or did you live? I'm in Huntington Beach. I used to live in Costa Mesa on Harbor and Adams. No shit. Right next to OCC. Small world. Harbor Green's Apartments. Yeah. Wow. Jim, I was going to ask you if you want a ride home. Yeah.

I don't live there anymore, but... Yeah, I used to love that place. It's a missed opportunity. Yeah, it was. Sean, how old are you? 29. 29. What do you like to do for fun?

Have any hobbies or anything like that? I like to travel. I come from an international family. Where do you like to travel I come from an international family Where do you like to travel to? Last place I went to was in Was Taiwan in last year Oh that's great You're right next to Perry

And you're probably carrying the coronavirus with you That's great No Yeah I love it Yeah No I was thinking if you like to travel, you like to travel from Huntington Beach to Newport Beach.

That's funny. That's a set up right there. And then the Laguna Beach. That's some of that Greg Dean magic right there. We're seeing it live and in action. Any special skills or talents that you have? Are you good at anything? You ever win a trophy for anything in your life?

29? Anything at anything? You ever win a trophy for anything in your life? 29? Anything at all? I mean, I'm like pretty average at most things. Like what? Like what's the thing you're most average at? Do you serve? I've served like five times. Someone's in love.

Yeah. Just ask. That's a good question. Do you serve? No, I've served a few times in my life i like i bounced i didn't i'm from huntington but like i moved around the country a lot so i didn't like grow up there fully otherwise i would have served what's that in your front pocket my wallet wow man my goodness. Wouldn't you like to know? Is there anything crazy about your life or your parents or anything that we should know about?

Anything interesting about you? Something crazy about my life? The thing that made me want to do comedy was I was in a relationship and I was engaged for 48 hours. Wow. What happened there? Fuck. How much time do I have up here? No. Well, we were together for six years

and then I proposed to her and then two days later she had a meltdown and just said a bunch of... Like what? What did she say exactly? She said that she... Go ahead. No, I wish it was that, but it wasn't.

Stay in the pocket here, Sean. Just focus on my question only here. What did she say in this meltdown in which she left you after being engaged for 48 hours, after being together for years? What were the snippets? What do you remember? I remember she said I was not worthy of her.

Yeah. What do you think made her say that exactly? Like, what was her point? Hashtag, I'm not worthy. Oh, there you go. All right. One, she was very drunk, and two, I think she just got cold feet

and had second thoughts. I don't know, but it was one of those relationships that was super toxic, and I'm glad I'm out of it. This was last week? No, this was a year and a half ago. If you need help on that, Perry divorced his wife when he choked her almost to death. She didn't put oregano in the mushrooms.

He freaked out. Yeah, he freaked out. Put her face against the refrigerator. I was on the wrong medication at that time. I was on the wrong medication back at that time. Okay. It made me snap. Like you are and like you just did a moment ago.

Yeah, what are you taking tonight? Tegretol. Tegretol. Fuck yeah, Sean. I love it. What size shirt is that that you're wearing? What would we consider that? Supposedly said it was a medium.

Would you switch shirts with Perry for one second? Hey, that's a good question. I'm not going there, you homo! No! Whoa, whoa. Why would you use a word like that? How are you going to go surfing with this guy? He won't even switch shirts with him.

All right, Sean. Well, it was a fun time to have you up here, dude. Thanks for signing up. Thanks for coming up here. Nice to meet you. It was the first time on Kill Tony. Sean Fawaz on Instagram. It's Sean Fawaz.

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This is the part of the show where we're going to go back to the buck in a moment, but we're going to get our first regular up here tonight. This is one of the comedians that writes and performs a brand new minute every single week, a fucking ritualistic hard thing to do. And this guy's been a regular for a long time, putting out a new minute, writing a new minute, performing a new minute every week for a long time. He's a polarizing figure, and I absolutely love him.

Let's see what he does tonight. One of the greats, William Montgomery, everybody. Here we go. I am crazy for you. So are you. See what happens tonight. We go. See what happens tonight. Always full of surprises. Here he is, the great William Montgomery, everybody.

What's up, y'all? My name is William Montgomery. I am a Christian, but I also play the Ouija board. So I hotboxed my kid for the first time last night. He slept really well. He's actually still asleep. We're worried he's dead. Three years ago, I was fired from my job at a security camera factory.

They said I stole something. I said, prove it. You know those candy cigarette machines? They have a Chuck E. Cheese? Yeah, that was my dad's idea. Wow. He did it again, ladies and gentlemen. Coming in and showing how it's done.

That was a great set. Let me remind you that everybody else that you've seen tonight prepared their best minute that they have to their names. And this was William's basically, he's up there almost in the hundreds of sets now on Kill Tony. That was probably my 25th best set. Yeah. It was a lot of them. Behind when I talked about stealing certs at a Kmart.

Oh, wow. There you go. I love it. So, William, welcome back to the show. You're rocking Crocs, no socks, jeans with the ankles pulled up a notch there. A slightly larger shirt than the last comedian.

What does that mean? Look at how your belly bounces when you laugh like that. Can you laugh again? What does that mean? It's a work of art you have there, Willie. I am working out. Literally today I joined the L.A. Fitness Society. No, I'm kidding. L.A. Fitness. Let's give it up for Society. Huh.

No, I'm kidding. LA Fitness. Let's give it up for LA Fitness, y'all. Really excited. Yeah. What did you do when you were there? Did a bunch of burpees. Yeah? How do you do those? Can you show me? Can you do a burpee?

How many of you want to see William do a burpee right now? Here we go. Here's a little something for you. It's William. Oh, whoa. Man, wow. All right. I did 32 earlier.

I do have diabetes. My blood sugar's off. Yeah, we're going to check in with Don Barris here, William. Hey, I know that you had some problems with your aunt. How's your aunt doing? I did. She actually, she literally had diabetes. She got cut in half on a train track.

My brother Vance and I was talking to the half, her head half, when she got cut in half. We told her to hang in there. It was actually her favorite holiday, Easter. We were with her on Easter. She was feeling sad. She got cut in half by a train. Yeah, we heard that part.

That was a really good set. I'm excited to hear what we have from Perry Caravello and Mole. Mole? Yeah, that's fantastic. He's got the jokes. He's got the looks. Whole package. Yeah, I love that.

Absolutely. I'm going to be very frank with y'all. I heard about your movie when I saw it was PG-13. I didn't watch it. Aw, he's just kidding. Perry, what do you think? This is so far that I would guess you're going to say the best comedian of the night, but go ahead. Not the best comedian of the night.

Oh, wow. He likes the surfer. But he's got a good ass. I'm going to what, Perry? I said you got to. I'm going to what? Seriously, don't fuck this up. What are you doing?

You touched me when I walked up here. Don't do this to me. Come on, Perry. I didn't grab your face. William, don't feel bad. He was in love with the other guy. Wow. My goodness gracious.

This place is in a frenzy right now. You're really going to fucking say that, Beering? I didn't grab your face! Did he grab your face? William, what did he grab when you came up here? I didn't see it. As he was walking around me, he grabbed my left cheek. Your butt cheek?

Don't tell. Don't tell, dude. Don't tell. Don't tell, though. But don't tell. I thought you were a faggot. Whoa, William. William, take a step forward there.

He's furious. I've been doing burpees all day. Looks ain't deceiving. Shut the fuck up. You seem like a bitch. Oh, William, William, William. Be nice to our guests here, William. I've been working out all day.

How many burpees did you do? I did 20. My goodness. After two broken necks and three discs replaced... What did you just fucking say? Let him talk, William. What are you, Japanese? Whoa, William, let him talk.

Look, after two broken necks and three discs replaced, I have very little strength in this arm. Okay? I can't even arm wrestle. Wait a minute. Hold everything. So when you said you were going to beat the hell out of me, you couldn't do it then?

No. Okay. I'm a loud mouth, okay? It's a bluster this whole time. How much mobility do you have in your right arm how limited is it could you at least give him a hand job or something how limp is your wrist

so William you did it again very fun set very fun interview is there anything you'd like to say to these people before you go I would like to say the Nagano Olympics in 2002, one of the best. Hokie Neko Swilley at Montgomery. That's the first time I've ever seen him make himself laugh like that. Heck yeah.

Before we go back to the bucket, how about another hand for our guests? Don Mullen Perry, all here. My favorite comedy movie, Windy City Heat. This is a dream come true for me to have you guys here. Thank you.

Before you bring him up, why is that guy leaving right now? a dream come true for me to have you guys here. Thank you. Your next comedian. Before you bring him up, why is that guy leaving right now? I don't know, Don. That is an interesting question to ask. There's about 400 people in the room. They're getting up and moving sometimes. All right.

Put your hands together for your next comedian, Caroline Clem. Caroline or Carolyn, perhaps Clem. C-L-E-M. Carolyn Clem. Caroline or Carolyn. Perhaps Clem. C-L-E-M. Carolyn Clem. That's on you, David.

Carolyn Clem. Wow. Alright. So the place is a bit banned. Hello. Yes. Hello, you guys. Jesus Christ. It's out of control.

Good thing is we get to hear that exact same song again in just a moment here. Put your hands together for Ope Arawunmi. Ope Arawunmi. Ope. Opa. Opa. Ope. O-P-E. Opie Opa Opa O-P-E Alright

Alright So the deal is When it gets way too packed One of the catches with the show Is when it hits way over Over capacity People get squozen out And they don't want to stand and wait around

So Put your hands together for Aaron Anderson, Aaron Anderson. Oh, we got it. The lucky corner strikes again. Every episode. Aaron Anderson.

Here he comes. Here he is. Aaron Anderson, everybody. All right. Oh, shit. How are we doing tonight? Yeah, all right. A little bit about myself.

I'm a father of two two I was never ready for children I wish I never had children I wish I had dogs first For real Dogs are way easier to take care of Way easier to get rid of Right? What's the classic way of getting rid of your dog?

Take it in the car Take it to the next town You drop it off It's like you never had it. Right? Can't do that with your kids. Uber, Lyft, those motherfuckers will find their way back. What's the other classic way of getting rid of your dog?

Old Yeller. You can't do that with your kids, right? Alright, I never wanted kids. Alright. Yeah, shit. My son is five years old and 100 pounds. My son's fat, but he doesn't know how to wipe his ass yet. You know, I'm sitting down at dinner and he's like and he gets off the toilet. He's all fat. He has a waffle off the toilet. Like, Daddy, I'm done. He's kind of like,

Daddy, I'm done. Wow. Very good. There you go. That's how long that last zip should be. It should be half as long as you guys play for. Go ahead, Don Barrett.

I just want to say I like kids and dogs. Don't kill them for no reason. I feel like I'm watching an evidence tape at Child Protective Services right now. It is very bizarre. Anti-dog, anti-human. Really, an interesting take. An opposite approach of most people.

Good question. You should ask him, Don. Are you single? No, I'm divorced. So is Perry. He choked his wife. What do you hate more, dogs, kids, or your wife? Oh, that bitch of a wife. She's a bitch.

I thought you were going to say the bitch of the dog. Perry. You got a five-year-old, and I have a 30-year-old. Nice. And my 30-year-old won't talk to me. Because of a guy named Don Barris who keeps saying, you choked your wife! You choked your wife!

What did you just say? You keep bragging about what I did! I'm not bragging about it, I'm stating a fact! He has the same problems you do! Yeah, okay. I got problems, and I'm not gonna deny it. It's probably a good thing you're divorced.

When you said you got a five-year-old and I got a 30-year-old, I thought you were setting up a sitcom opening for you two. Getting two fucked up dads who hate their kids. Get along in this crazy world of killing dogs. He kills dogs. He prays to dogs. And you only have one kid?

I have two kids. I have a son and a daughter. How old's the daughter? She's three. She just turned three. And you're not with the mom anymore? No, we're divorced. She was a bitch. She divorced me. She fucking hated me. She sounds very responsible that you're in charge of the kids. What a good wife she must be.

So you have the kids? Yeah, I know. I have full-time custody. We're going to court and stuff right now. I'm a great dad. I'm a great dad. I love that. How about a hand for this single father? How exciting is that? So what do you do for work? I work at a motocross company. I work at

O'Neill Motocross, pull orders and stuff. Oh, wow. Awesome. How long have you been doing that for? For a. Awesome. How long have you been doing that for? For a couple months. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for two years now. Last time I was on your show, I was on the Tim Dillon. Yeah, it was... It went well. It was pretty good.

Your appearance last time on the show. Yeah, I talked about my dad. He killed a lady. Oh, look at that. My dad was in prison my whole life. He didn't choke her, did he? No. Yeah, he's in the audience right here.

You ever put that connection together that maybe that's why you talk about killing dogs? Yeah, I know. I'm probably a murderer inside. Have you ever done that joke before with an audience? Yeah, I tried it. I'm from Oxnard. I tried it at Levity. It didn't work there either.

No, it didn't work. Because no one wants to hear about killing dogs and babies. It's never going to work. Everybody loves dogs and babies. But you know what he's doing? He's keeping the cycle of violence alive. I have to keep it going. He's following in his father's angry, angry footsteps.

What do you like to do for fun when you're not raising the kids? What I do for fun, I hang out with my girlfriend. I smoke weed a lot. I write comics. I don't really do. I don do for fun, I hang out with my girlfriend. I smoke weed a lot. I write comics. I don't really do anything, honestly. I skateboard. I try to avoid my children. That's what I really try to do.

How long have you been with your girlfriend? A year. A year. Yeah. And who had a girlfriend or a boyfriend first? You or your ex-wife? Me. You did.

Yeah. She didn't have anybody. No, she's a lonely person. Right. And where'd you meet your girlfriend at? Tinder. You have any special sexual maneuvers that you do in the bedroom? You ever go system of a

down on her or anything like that? System of a down. Usually I'll take fucking, I'll do coke and then I'll take a boner pill and I'll just fuck all night really. It's usually what it is. Like your style. I try to please her. I have fun.

It's like Red Band. A boner pill and an entire pizza. It's exciting stuff. It's fun. I like to have fun. How old is your girlfriend? Younger than you? Yeah, she's 20. Wow, my goodness.

Will you ever marry your girlfriend? No, I'll never get married again. Oh, she's 20. Wow. My goodness. Will you ever marry your girlfriend? No, I'll never get married again. Oh, that's sweet. No, never again. It's a trap. Do you use birth control at all? Are you still busting inside? Oh, no. She uses birth control, but it makes her bleed irregularly, so she's just like bleeding everywhere. I like that.

What you do with the language is a beautiful thing. What you do is paint a beautiful picture A wood picture Yeah, literally I pulled her tampon out The other night, it was so dry How dry was it? Do you like it when girls bleed?

Yeah, it's a little bit warmer Wow It's a little bit warmer when you fuck Don, you actually have a system. Yeah, you don't. Tell us your system. No, no, no. I do a tale about a squirrel, but we're not going to go into that.

No, I was talking about your way of not getting a girl pregnant. Okay. It was invented in Ohio and spread through Wisconsin where you stab the woman's side and fuck the wound. Have you ever thought of that? Oh, if you tried it, supposedly, if you can rub the head of your penis against that bottom rib, there is a sensation you will never get again. That's so hot.

All right, Aaron Anderson. Valentine's Day. Well, Aaron Anderson, fun times. You're back on the show again. Bucket of Destiny called your name. Thanks for coming on, Aaron Anderson. Thank you, guys. Have a good night. At Aaron Anderson, fun times. You're back on the show again. Bucket of Destiny called your name. Thanks for coming on, Aaron Anderson. Thank you, guys. Have a good night.

At Aaron Anderson Comedy, it's Aaron Anderson. All right. That's it. That would be the one. There you go, guys. Very good. You guys are really picking it up quickly over there. We have another regular on this show.

Before you bring up the next regular, I'm very excited. I think I really weirded the people out by that. That's a joke, everybody. I've never stabbed anybody to the side. Fuck the wound. Back to Tony. Yeah, that's good. We'll put it in the edited version. We'll have subtitles that say, this is a joke.

This is a joke. This is a joke. Let's scroll around. Before we go back to the bucket, let's get another one of our fantastic regulars up on the stage. Guys, I mean, he's just unbelievable. His writing blows my mind. Every single week, a brand-new minute, and known for his incredible roasting skills off the cuff. Make some noise for him. David Lucas, everybody, is here.

He's here. Here he is. One more time for the great David Lucas. One of my favorite movies growing up was Home Alone. And I realized that Home Alone was just an ordinary day for a black kid. For real. Like, nigga, what took you a week?

I did that shit in an eight hour workshop While my mom was gone I stole money Ordered pizza and fought bad guys And if she work overtime I might want to fuck somebody You know what I'm saying But some of his tricks Were bullshit Cause I think I would have had them bad guys

Slipping on chicken grease Instead of stepping on race cars. I don't know. Home Alone was hella black. That gun would have been a real gun had that been me, not a BB gun. I would have had a fucking Colt.45. And don't no black kids trust the police anyway.

You would have never let that nigga in We know that's in there Alright guys thank you The great David Lucas Did it again Yeah Thank you bro Take it easy on the guests tonight

We're going easy on the guests I love these guys You can't make fun of them They look like they own a pizza restaurant. Alright, David. No, no. Let's keep the focus. It's true. Keep it off these guys. This motherfucker looks like

he sell bus tokens. Okay, no. David, don't you start. You know what's nice? You know what's nice about this show? They already have three black guys on. If you don't shut your baloney smelling ass up Alright David David David Over here You look like you got dressed in a hurricane

David over here What's up Joe Pesci got something to say You wanna go for some pizza What's up wise guy You wanna go for some pizza Hell no you might kill me I'm not gonna kill you I wind up in the back of a Cadillac

You know what I'm saying Alright that's Mole's Cadillac. You know what I'm saying? All right. That's Moles Cadillac. What is this, Dick Tracy? No. Greg Dean. Greg Dean is the name you're thinking of. Sucks, Dick Tracy. You didn't even notice what you said there.

That was perfect. You snuck it right in there. That was beautiful. So, David, how's life been going? Let's talk about your normal life here. This is going to be a little bit of a break from your normal roast styling. Last week, I buried my granddaddy on Thursday. Oh, wow.

I'm sorry. What happened to him? Everything. Yeah, it must run in the family, obviously. Which I'm guessing is the only thing that runs in your family. Oh, shit. Here we go. No.

All right. I don't know how that trend started, but all right. So I love it, David. So what else has been happening? How'd your grandpa die? Everything? I think he had lung cancer and a whole bunch of shit. How do you not know what he had?

Because he did so much shit. Like, the nigga did so much shit. How old was he? 84. Wow. Yeah, he did so much shit. So you had to go back to Atlanta? Did you just call me the N- so much shit. How old was he? 84. Wow. Yeah, he did so much shit. So you had to go back to Atlanta? Did you just call me the N-word?

Yeah. Okay, cool. I mean, you got on all black. All right. Can you call me it again? You're a nigger beaver. Okay. I don't know why you had to throw in the beaver part.

You would be a nigger beaver. What does that even mean? You would build half of a dam, like water still go through. You would only bite organic trees. Okay, that's enough. No. Look at Tony. Wait, organic trees?

Wait, what? I don't think David knows how plants work. What's your favorite vegetable? Turnip? If you don't shut your edamame eating ass up. Okay. I love edamame. Hell yeah.

I do. You look like you like... Well, I'm asking you what your favorite vegetable is. I don't want to know what I look like. Edamame? Baby broccoli. Yours is baby broccoli? Hell yeah.

Baby broccoli out this bed. What's your favorite one is? I like cream corn. Nigga, corn. Not cream corn. No, I like cream corn. You eat with a spoon. You like baby carrots. Alright, I do like baby carrots.

Because you can sit on them. Okay, that's enough. I knew you were going to do that. God damn it, I knew you weren't just going to compliment my carrot intake. I had a feeling there was a big twist coming there. You're about to go surfing, Tony. Perry, do you know how to roast at all? Me and David do this thing.

We roast each other every week. If you were going to roast David, how would you do it? I wouldn't be roasting him. I'd be complimenting him because I think he's good. Thank you, bud. There you every week. If you were going to roast David, how would you do it? I wouldn't be roasting him. I'd be complimenting him because I think he's good. Thank you, bud. There you go. Burn on you, bitch. Look at those eggplants hanging off of his shoulders, okay? He know what to say.

Yeah, he's got them eggplants hanging off of his shoulders. Whoa, all right. That's actually my favorite vegetable. Big arms. I don't even know what he's saying. With strength. With strength. Big arms your favorite vegetable? No. Hey.

Eggplant. Your dirty ass. You look like you got dressed in a graveyard, nigga. You got on a... All right. It's more like I got a dead man suit on. Not really. Can y'all see this dusty ass nigga?

Stand up. No. Don't touch. My goodness. You like you about to go to church on the bus? God. What if I go into the early service? On the bus like a motherfucker.

I love it. I love it. You ever take the bus? Nope. No? Never? Nah, nigga. All right.

Jesus. I've been called the N-word so many times during this interview. Anyway. What you do when you get on the bus? You put your booty on the part where the change goes? Why do you always... Why is there always something gay? Why am I sitting on carrots and putting my booty hole on things on a bus?

Because you look like you were just farting to the change machine. booty hole on things on a bus. Because you look like you were just farting to the change machine. Well, I mean, that is sometimes how I would pay the bus fare. Look at Tony. Because I keep coins in my asshole.

Well, David, absolutely hilarious every single episode. We're going to get back to this bucket and fly through it. Great stuff, David Lucas. Hey, David's going to be joining me in La Jolla that whole weekend. A little fun fact for you. He's going to be opening for me March 5th through the 7th. And all the

Kill Tony fans in Canada, I'm coming to you this weekend, baby. I'll be in Canada with me and Eric Griffin. Toronto, Canada, right? Hamilton. Hamilton. Hamilton, Canada. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Catch David Lucas. There you go. Boom. We're getting through it. Beautiful.

Beautiful stinger by the band there. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Paul Green, everyone. Paul Green. Real close. Oh, wow. Right here. Look at this. One more time for Paul Green, everyone. Thank you.

Thanks for that. It means a lot to me. I have been told I have resting murderer face. It's pretty hurtful. I feel like you need to smile all the time just to put people at ease, you know? Okay. I also got dumped, not because of my pubes,

not because of my pubes. It's the first guy who also kind of looks like me. No, she said I didn't respect her boundaries. I felt so bad, I drove to her house immediately to apologize. She wasn't at home, I drove to her work. She's like, Paul, this is what I'm talking about. I'm like, no, I'm sorry. She said, Paul, you're emotionally high maintenance,

and that made me cry, so... It sounded like that. Absolutely. Paul Green, wow. cry so it sounded like that absolutely paul green wow welcome welcome welcome absolutely hilarious set thank you extremely well executed how long you been doing stand-up uh about five years five years all of it here in la uh i started in arizona i've been la for four oh cool we're at in arizona uh tempe, Chandler, Phoenix area. Awesome. Great scene there. I was just there this weekend. Don Barris.

No, I was just going to say, that's where Adam used to manage it. A lot of the great comedy minds nowadays, especially the people on the talent coordinating side of things, the booker of the comedy store, the booker of the improv here in Hollywood, two of the biggest clubs in the world. They all came up together in that scene at the Tempe Improv and Stand Up Live Phoenix. It's all

a very unified front. It's almost like a breeding ground for Hollywood comedy. I don't know any of those guys. They don't know you either. That's fine. They were all gaining success before you started. That's fine. They were all gaining success before you started. That's exciting. So now you live here?

How long have you lived in LA? Four years. What part? Pasadena. Oh, wow. Interesting. I heard of that. Perry, you have any history in Pasadena? You ever do anything out there? I got it.

Just let him help you. Meaning the Ice House in Pasadena? Yes. Yeah, you performed over there? Yeah, I've worked at the Ice House. Not really worked, but I've done open mic at the Ice House. How about the Rose Bowl? You ever been to the Rose Bowl? I think I was there once. I don't remember, though.

Great story. Yeah, that was good. Set up and punch. So, Paul, what do you do for work? I'm a digital marketing consultant. Oh. Yeah, he's like the first guy that got his act together and started taking multivitamins

and had a less nasty divorce. And LASIK. I got LASIK. Oh, my God. You look like if Voldemort became a boring-ass dad. Wow. Look at that. Joel's mean.

That is also true. I am a boring dad. All right. I actually am a professional Lord Voldemort, too. You have a what? I am a professional Lord Voldemort. What do you mean by that? I get hired to play Lord Voldemort every year. Wow.

Jolberg. Jolberg. Perry, take... Perry, take off your shirt now. Wow. Who pays you to do that? There's this guy who throws a big Halloween party every year up in

Utah. It's like 5,000 people from the community come. Do some Voldemort! Do some Voldemort! who throws a big Halloween party every year up in... Perry. It's like 5,000 people from the community come. Do some Voldemort. Do some Voldemort. Yeah. Do Voldemort. Harry Potter. Oh, my goodness.

Maybe there's a way that we could have Voldemort and maybe Snape have a... I know for a fact, I've actually been friends with GMAC for a while. He knows how to do a pretty good Snape impression. You guys want to do a scene from Harry Potter? Huh? How many would like... I don't.

Can we get a spotlight on this, Danny? This is very exciting. This is the first ever Harry Potter off we've ever had here at the Comedy Store. Let's see what happens here. Can we get a scene? There you go, Danny. All right. store. Let's see what happens here. There you go, Danny. Alright. This is the first ever Kill Tony Harry

Potter-off with Voldemort and Snape. Hello, Snape. Hello, Dark Lord. Have you found Harry Potter? I see him daily, yes. I'm a teacher at his school.

Yes, I am familiar with who you are. What would you like me to do? Kill Harry Potter! I will fulfill the prophecy. That was pretty good. Wow, wow. A magical moment there. How about a big hand for Jeremiah Watkins-Gemak on that?

Just an incredible talent. Impressive. My goodness, that is so cool. Do you have kids? No. Do you have a girlfriend? No. How long have you been single for? A while. About two years, I guess. What's your dating life like? When's the last date you went on?

How long ago was that? Well, the girl who dumped me, that was about a month ago. Oh, how long were you guys together for? We weren't like together. It was quick. You went on a few dates and then she's like, no more? I caught feelings. She didn't. Oh, you told her about the feelings after just a few dates?

Yeah. I broke all the rules. I got insecure, desperate, clingy, needy, and then ah! Right. Of course. What did you say to her? You're like, I think I really like you and I just want to keep this, just me and you, something like that. Were you there? Yeah. No, of course. What did you say to her? You're like, I think I really like you, and I just want to keep this just me and you, something like that. Were you there? Yeah, no, I was.

I was. I actually put a bug on you. I'm one of the people that hang out at the Harry Potter parties that you get invited to. That's true. He's gone back to being the old guy again. Is there something crazy about your life that would surprise us, Paul Green?

Fun fact about you? I was raised Mormon. I've never had a drink of alcohol in my entire life. Wow, look at that. That's crazy. Neither has Professor Snape. You guys are Hogwarts buddies over there. Perry's a Javaho witness.

Is that true? You're a Javaho witness, Perry? Jehovah's Perry's a Javaho witness. Is that true? You're a Javaho witness, Perry? Jehovah's witness, not Javaho. Learn how to pronounce Jehovah God's name. What? Can you repeat that? Jehovah God is God's name. What are you talking about?

He wants to play the name game. Jehovah God is God's name? Jehovah is God's name, so don't say Javaho. It's also Jay-Z's name. Jay-ho-va. Oh, hey, I never thought of that before. You're a Jay-ho-va's witness? All right.

Well, Paul, you were raised Mormon. You've never had a drink, but you're not Mormon anymore. Yeah, you know. Have you ever thought about having a drink Or do you have alcoholism in your family Drinking parents Yeah my grandpa's an alcoholic So I'm good I don't need it Don Barris

I think maybe the best thing you could do In front of 400 people Is have your first drink No he's not going to No Voldemort No need to listen to Don No, he's not going to. No. Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort. No.

No need to listen to Don, okay? Stay out of it, Perry. I think if Voldemort got hammered, it would sound a little something like this. You don't want to be Volde-bore, do you? Volde-bore. If you were going to have a drinkort, do you? Voldemort. If you were going to have a drink, what do you think it would be? Come.

No. Come on, Joel. Why? Why? Sit down. Are you 10 years old? Dude, Red Band just asked you if you're 10 years old. All right.

So let me ask you this. You don't drink. You are pretty single. What is the most badass thing about you? I do play several instruments. I can play drums and piano and guitar. Oh, wait a second. Wait a second.

Oh, shit. Paul, how long have you been playing drums for? Well, I played drums all through high school and college. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Let's have a drink! Get behind the drums, Paul. Paul, do you know what a Mexican drum off is?

Yeah. Well, you have the opportunity to become a full-time cast member on the show right now. You just do a drum solo anywhere between, I don't know, 20 and 40 seconds or anything like that. You're allowed to use the entire stage.

You can be comedic in any way if you want to. And if you beat Undefeated Joelberg, you're the new full-time drummer on the show. You have to travel the world with us doing sold out theaters for this show. However, I will warn you, Paul, that never in the history of the show has Joel Berg been

defeated. It comes down to the audience in the end. So it's these people you have to win over. This is a Mexican drum off, and this is Paul Green. Wow. There you go. Wow. Wow. Crowd goes wild.

Crowd goes wild. There's a chance perhaps that this could be a real contender. However, all time undefeated. Ladies and gentlemen, I mean, talk about putting on a show. We have seen this guy defend his throne. He has been quoted as saying that he's willing to die up here before he loses a Mexican drum off

in this show. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one, the only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez! He's... Oh my god! He's... Okay, okay. He's got the purple dildo. He's got the purple dildo.

He's got the purple dildo and an air horn. He's got an air horn and the purple dildo. I believe the dildo. All the podcast listeners have shot themselves in the ears. Yeah, that is incredible. A tiny little air horn. Ladies and gentlemen, Joel, is there anything you want to say

before you get started here? No. Ladies and gentlemen, defending his throne, I present to you, undefeated all time, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.. All right, here we go. Wow! Wow!

Wow! Wow! Look at the size of that purple dildo. That is just a work of art. He's got Bang Energy drink. Oh, he's chugging it. Oh, don't ch a work of art. He's got Bang Energy drink. Oh, he's chugging it. Oh, don't chug all of it. That's not good for you. Okay, I guess he's going to chug

an entire Bang Energy drink. We might actually need you if he has a heart attack, Paul Green. Oh, there you go. Oh, Jesus Christ. Alright. Wait a second. This could cause trouble in the votes. He just choked on it.

Who would have guessed that chugging 24 ounces of bank energy drink might be a bad idea? Perry, are you okay? I just want a high five from Perry. I just want a high five from Perry, please. Come on, Skidmaster. Okay, if I... He's a big fan of yours, Perry. If I win this, if the audience votes that I win, I get to high-five you.

Yes. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perry, what's wrong with high-fiving? He's not going to. David Deary, we need a mop, obviously. Thank you, David. Are you going to turn down a crowd that wants you to do something like this, Perry?

Do you want to see this? Just high-five them. All right. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'll make it fair. We got to let the audience vote. That's right. Only if he wins. If Paul Green wins,

so Perry, you might want to cheer for Paul here. If Paul wins, you don't have to high-five Joel. However, if Paul wins, he is the brand new full-time drummer on Kill Tony. So with that said, how many of you have Paul Green winning this thing tonight? Alright. How many of you have Joel Berg, Joel

Jimenez winning? Wow, look at that. Oh, fist bump. A fist bump. I think Perry was reaching for the dildo for a second there. My goodness. Well, Paul, amazing, amazing performance. Thanks for playing the drums.

Thanks for a great set. One of the sets of the night. Paul Green, everybody. There he goes. Okay. Alright. Let's all get back in position here. Get in here and then let's move our chairs down a bit here

so we can get everybody in. The place is in chaos right now. The Bang Energy drink is everywhere. Joel Jimenez looks fucked up. There's Bang Energy drink. Shake his hand, Perry. Come on. Shake his hand. Shake his hand. Come on. Shake it. He's clean. He's clean Shake his hand, Perry. Come on. Shake his hand. Shake his hand. Come on.

Shake it. He's clean. He's clean. He's a Mexican. Be professional, dude. Is it because I'm Mexican? No. No? Because I don't trust anybody with what's going on these days.

You don't trust any Mexican? Being brown. I get it. Perry, shake his hand. Shake my fucking hand, Perry. Show the world that you're not a racist. Yeah. Yeah. Perry Caravello.

Wow. Very impressive. Very good, Perry. Very good. Stepping up and being the bigger man. That's very exciting stuff. All right. All right.

Oh, boy. All right. Oh, boy. Let's get our third regular up here before maybe squeezing back to that bucket one last time. This guy is an absolute sensation. He's only been doing stand-up comedy a few months. However, he has over two decades of high-level black belt improv training at Second City out of Chicago. He's blowing our minds every week, one of the most positive people on the set,

and he's got Lou Gehrig's disease, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great Michael Lair, everyone. Here we go. Thank you. Wow. Look at this. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Lair is here. Oh, we need a microphone. David Deary is on the ones and twos up here.

You would think David Deary had Lou Gehrig's disease the way he's been working tonight, but nope, he doesn't need the stand, David. Why don't you just grab a microphone, you fucking fuck fuck. There you go. How about you grab the mic? Okay. Wow. David Deary.

How about a hand for David Deary, everyone? Literally. Literally. Just. He can't. David. If he falls off the stage, I'm going to cut your fucking head off.

Okay. They see me rolling. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, everyone make some fucking noise for Michael Lair. Oh my God. Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

This has been my favorite Black History Month ever. I think there is a master race and it's the blacks. I think black is so beautiful we should outlaw interracial marriage and stop diluting all that beautiful blackness. I've had less. I've had a list. I've hit a list. 99% of people get hit a list just have bad luck. I'm in the 1%. Spring break, no one leads voodoo curse. A shaman said I can reverse the curse with Bigfoot

blood please Joe Rogan find Bigfoot and save my life please Joe Rogan there you go that is history right there.

That is the first time anybody in the show's history has used the opportunity to ask Joe Rogan for a favor. That is really, you would think it's been done before with Red Band and I both on this show every episode, but no, you really took advantage of it. And a little fun fact is that we actually have Joe Rogan on the line right now. Joe, what's your response here to Michael Laird's request to find Bigfoot? And if they did, man, we would have to explain a lot of shit.

Wow, that's crazy. Wow, Joe. My goodness, that's crazy. Wow, Joe. My goodness, that is wild. Because a lot of our society operates on this weird momentum. We pretend things are normal. My goodness gracious. That is very interesting.

Help me, Joe. Help me. I don't know if karma really is a motherfucker. He doesn't know what to tell you. Even Joe doesn't have the answer to Lou Gehrig's disease. Wow, that is fun stuff. Where'd you get that shirt from, Michael? I'm designing a line of breathable clothing for the disabled.

I think I might have put too many holes. Wow. Did you come out with a bondage mask on with a zipper around the mouth? Yeah, I'm off the chain and I need to be sequestered. Man, y'all. It's interesting that your clothes are breathable, but you're not going to be in a couple years. Yeah.

No, I'm with you. Who's booing that? Hey. Very rarely do you get to make inevitable death jokes on this show. His lovely girlfriend's laughing. He's laughing. Maybe he's not laughing. Once I

catch himself with money, I'm gonna be asking for Tony's money. I didn't hear what you said. It obviously didn't go too well anyway. I love you. Perry, what did you think about Michael Laird and his big foot bit?

Talk about set up and punch. Very good. Very good. Set up and punch. Thank you. Your jokes were very well put together. Thank you. Wow, look at that.

Hey, what does that mean well put together. Thank you. Wow, look at that. Hey, what does that mean, put together? Like, what am I supposed to take from that? Your setups and punch. Setups, punch? I tell stories about my life. Exactly, same here. What are you talking about?

See? That's a good punch. Wow. Stories about our lives. Our craziness. Perry, what do you know about Lou Gehrig's disease, ALS? Do you know anything about it? No, I don't. Do you know it's super contagious?

Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Dude, you can only get it from both fucking times. Oh, well then he is a high-risk case over there. And homeboy,

homeboy. I would never in my life go there. And homeboy. I would never in my life go there. Oh, wow. My goodness. Ask him if he surfs. Do you surf? Yeah. Maybe online, but I don't know about on a board.

Yeah. I am the board. Maybe he tried serving. Maybe that's how he got caught in that net that he's wearing here tonight. Let's check in with Joe Rogan one more time about this Bigfoot request. We have another message from him loaded up here. Black people. Oh, wow.

That is interesting. Go ahead, Joe.. Black people. Oh, wow. That is interesting. Go ahead, Joe. Tell us more. Oh, wow. Okay. Fuck yeah. I think black dudes get to a certain point where they're in the hospital bed, on their deathbed. They're like, shit, you never know.

Okay. All right. My goodness, Joe. That is wild that you would say such a thing. I'm just honored to meet him. Right. No, this is really him. Yep.

I'm not a typical parent. I went looking for Bigfoot. Oh, he's looking for him. How about that, everybody? Thank you. Thank you. Kids can say their dad went looking for Bigfoot. him. How about that, everybody? Thank you. Kids can say their dad went looking for Bigfoot.

That was one of the dumbest things I've ever done, but I learned a lot. Oh, there you go. Well, maybe we're going to find out more next week on this Joe Rogan Bigfoot situation. Bigfoot blood might be the cure? Yeah. Wow.

My goodness. Well, I'm excited to find out more. Why don't you stick around with us, and we're going to go to this bucket one last time real quick. It'd be impossible for me to leave. Oh, my God. Unbelievable. Chills. I just got the fucking chills. How rarely I get the chills on this fucking show.

It's unbelievable. Oh, he's got the bicycle chain. Or perhaps the electric wheelchair chain. We're not sure. All right, Michael Laird's going to stick around. You guys want to go to this bucket one last time? Guys, I mean, that's as loud as you've been all night. If we're going to do this, you have to really let us know.

Should we go to the bucket one last time? All right, here we go. And your final comedian of the night, being called by the bucket of destiny, goes by the name of Corey Palizzi. Corey Palizzi. Corey Polizzi. Is that Corey? Is there a Corey back there? You yelling for Corey Polizzi?

I'm not seeing movement. Corey Polizzi? Nope. Blacklist. All right, we're going to go again. A lot of people didn't have room to be able to be in the lobby or hang out, so let's see if Mike Santoria is here. Wow, look at that. He's right here. A lot of people didn't have room to be able to be in the lobby or hang out.

So let's see if Mike Santoria is here. Wow, look at that. He's right here. How exciting. Your final comedian of the night, ladies and gentlemen, bringing it home on this big three Windy City Heat Kill Tony crossover, Mike Santoria. Heck yeah.

Thank you. What's up? My name is Mike Santoria. I yeah. Thank you. What's up? My name is Mike D'Antoria. I'm from Chicago. I took a plane from Chicago. Heck yeah, go Chicago. Go Bears. I took a plane here.

I read a book on the plane for the first time since graduating college, and my opinions on Dr. Seuss have not changed. Expectations, right? I'm terrible with relationships, but I'm excellent with normal size boats like i always wanted to live a life of adventure but in reality i would just cheat on my girlfriend a bunch i got a movie idea uh we're in hollywood i got a movie idea in hollywood it's honey i shrunk the kids but instead it's set in Nazi Germany and the father character uses subliminal psychotherapy techniques to nationalize his children.

Honey, I shrunk. Yeah, he's a shrink. I got a special skill. Alright, yep. Alright, Mike Santorio. There you go. Absolutely. All right.

All right. Okay, very good. There it is. You're from Chicago? What part? South suburbs. Perry, is there something you could tell us about Chicago, the city of Chicago? Chicago?

Chicago, the city of... That's where I'm from, the city of Chicago? Chicago, the city of... That's where I'm from, the city of broken shoulders. God, I even forgot that line. You forgot that line? I forgot my own line. How the fuck do you forget that line? It's been a long time since I've dealt with that old movie that I did. Back in what, 2002?

Wow, yeah, you've done so many movies since then. You must have it all... Since then. The City of Broken Shoulders. And Broken Dreams. Big Tits. And guys, I like to scream! Wow.

Nobody responded in any way with their parody. That's amazing. Where's my double D, bitch? Set up and punch. Yeah, there it is. No, all right, seriously. What suburb in the south side of Chicago did you go to? We're doing something else.

Aurora, Illinois. Aurora, beautiful. Oswego, but people know Aurora. Half farm boy, half city kid. There you go. I was from the northwest suburbs. Perry loves farm boys, right Perry? Born in Park Ridge, lived in the Splains,

Park Ridge, Barrington, Palatine, and Arlington Heights. Yeah, Barrington. I had a friend in Barrington. Heck yeah, cool. You remember all those suburbs from Chicago, but you can't remember your line from the movie Windy City Heat. Mike, you did very well. I think that you had a very difficult time

because that man right there absolutely killed. Oh, he's a star. He's a fucking star. Yeah, he's a fucking star, and you had to follow him. Michael, yes. He did great, though. Michael Lair is hard to follow, which is interesting because he can only go three miles

an hour. 6.5 bitch, I just got told. 6.5 miles per hour. I believe that's if he's going downhill, I'm guessing. So, Mike, first time on Kill Tony, correct?

Yes, this is my first time. Obviously, how long have you been doing stand-up? Six years. I started when I was 18, and I'm 24 years old now. Wow, look at you with a head start. 24 years old. Very exciting. And now you live in Los Angeles, or you're just visiting? A little bit of both. I got some interviews this week, so if I get a job here, I'll stay here.

Oh, my goodness. What are your interviews for? Amazon Warehouse Associate. I'm like a digital marketer, too. I went to college, got a degree, and now I'm like a digital marketer too. I went to college, got a degree, and now I'm going to work in a warehouse. Absolutely. I lie to people. Everyone

lies out here. Everyone lies in this town. I did not graduate. I'm 16 credits short. I dropped out my last semester of college. And they still hired you at an Amazon warehouse? Sweet. So Mike,

tell us more about your 24. What do you like to do for fun? Any fun facts about you? You good at anything? No. The girl who was on, the blonde, Ariana, Ari, I was hanging out with her. I brought her to Fourth Wall tonight. She went up at 4.30.

She was good. Where did you meet her at? At Don's show. It was at Ding Dong's show upstairs. Oh, look at that. Ding Dong's show. Bringing couples together. Who would have guessed that?

It was awesome. It's a sex pot up there. Well, if you'd like a second date, Dan will pay for it. Hey, look at that. That is so cool. I hang out, come here a ton. I like hanging out with the Fuck Shop Boys. Those guys are fantastic.

Yeah, that's my crew, the kitchen crew here at the Comedy Store. They're coming up the ranks. They made an appearance on Death Squad podcast with, was that Brothers in Curse? Brian Holtzman. Oh, the Brian Holtzman one. Yeah, they're a bunch of goofball renegades, cackles and the jackals, the fuckshop boys coming out of the kitchen here at the Comedy Store.

Very exciting stuff. What else about you, Mike? You look like the kind of guy that collects popsicle sticks or something like that. Tell us more about you. Do you have any hobbies or anything like that? Sure. No. You always do that. I know. I'm trying to think of one on the spot, but I like writing and I...

How about your family? Your background? Sure. I got a brother. I got... My parents are still in Chicago. My brother's a junior at the University of Illinois in Chicago, so he lives in Chicago in the city.

City of... What's your feelings about killing dogs and babies? Fucking awful. Don't do it. We've had professional athletes go to prison for that shit. We learn. Don't kill dogs. Huh.

Yeah, I don't know. Girlfriend, Mike? Absolutely not. Shitty ex-girlfriend. Sorry, Ari. Do you have any kids? No, no, I do not. Do you want one?

Yeah. She's offering! She's offering! Oh, my goodness. Perry, you're really putting that innocent girl on the spot over there. I'm down to be a young dad. I know a lot of people think that's stupid, but... I'm talking about

me stupid. I would put a baby inside of you. Wow, is that true? I want to be the baby. How would you do that? Do you know how babies are made? Yeah, yes. If you don't, Perry could explain it. Go ahead, Perry. Yeah, Perry. Perry, tell us how

babies are made. Well, you take the big penis and you put it into the little pussy. You put the penis in a penis? No, jerky. You put the big penis in the tight little pussy. I've been called the N-word five times today, but I will not stand for jerky You put the big penis in the tight little pussy I've been called the N word Five times today

But I will not stand for jerky Just like my child Nine months later Oh my goodness Yeah but you tricked your wife into getting pregnant Because you wanted to stay together You were like Remember that whole thing

She had money and you didn't have money So you said I'm going to get her pregnant You know Perry Like, remember? Remember that whole thing? She had money and you didn't have money. You had the money. That's why you said, I'm going to get her pregnant. You know, Perry, if you would have choked her after you came inside of her, you wouldn't have had to worry about the whole baby thing. Anyway, so. He does not look happy at me whatsoever right now. I just got the.

I think he almost gave me the eye there. Do you still give people, oh! There it is, there it is. Whoa! That's one of the highlights of my comedy career right now, getting the eye from Stone Fury himself.

Wow. Be very careful. Oh my goodness. I am just as scared as it gets right now. All right. Yep, done. That wasn't even close to have any funny to it. What are we going to say now?

Follow it up with that. Follow it? That's the setup and? The punch. Do the punch. Oh, you know, something very bad could happen. Like what? We're not talking about that

right now. Oh. It's a secret punch. Secret punch. Styles of Bill Cosby. Something in the punch that we cannot talk about. Now he never knows when the punch is going to come. Probably never.

You're really quick on responding, Perry. I've noticed that throughout the entire show. You know, we've got to show upstairs. Yeah, we're about to finish up right now. Mike Santoria, thank you so much. There he goes, Mike Santoria's first time on the show. Here comes Ryan J. Ebelt with his drawing that he's been working on throughout the entire show while you all sat there doing nothing.

Take a look at this bad mamma jamma right here. Look at that. It's the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt, everybody. A lot of fun stuff happening. You heard it earlier in the show, but I'm going to repeat it again. Vancouver, Swansea, Massachusetts, La Jolla, Tacoma, Houston, Skankfest South, Kill Tony, Boston, Stand Up in Boston, and Austin, Texas is all

happening. Catch Jeremiah Watkins headlining Syracuse, New York, Albany, New York. Actually, that, yep. Syracuse, Albany, San Antonio, Texas, March 5th through the 7th, Huntington Beach, March 14th, and Vegas, March 15th. JeremiahWatkins.com for tickets for that for that guys how loud can this place get for the big three from Windy City Heat the great Don Barris one of my another one of my greatest mentors and heroes stay seated

we're going to take a big group picture here uh Don, is there anything else you'd like to promote or plug or anything like that? Well, our website at simplydownthepodcastnetwork.com we're having a bunch of stuff come in there. Check that out and I'll tell you this. I'd be willing to make love to any woman in here upstairs. How loud can this place get?

What an honor for me. The great Mol, Walter Molinski, everybody. Thanks for having us, Tony. So awesome. Thank you so much. So cool. And Perry was here, too. Perry, everybody.

Hi. What's my what? Come on, guys. Make some noise for Perry Caravello. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Perry, anything you want to plug or promote? He has nothing going on in his life. Come on, Perry. Yeah, right now I do have nothing going on in my life.

So there's nothing. Well, excuse me. Yeah, I do have something. Duh, my skateboard decks. We can plug those. You could play the music. Don Brennan. No, wait, wait. Sit down, sit down, sit down.

All right. Uh, we're almost through this. Jeremiah Watkins. I already mentioned your dates. That's the guy that was GMAC all night tonight. Guys. Another big hand for Jeremiah. New episode of Jeremiah wonders up who's on a, who's on this week. Jeremiah. Uh, feminist Stacy and Shanks. Wow, awesome. Hey, guys, look at her. You know her. You love her.

The one, the only, Jessie Johnson, everybody. She's on social media, Jetski Johnson. Anything else, Jessie? I'm in San Diego this Thursday, the 13th and 14th in Santa Barbara on Saturday. I absolutely love it. She's probably most likely also going to be with us in San Diego. Also, hopefully that Ventura show as well. And I'll just announce it right now. We're two weeks away from it.

She's also going to be joining us at the second-ever Kill Tony East in Swansea, Massachusetts. Her first-ever Kill Tony on the road. She's flying with us, staying with us. It's going to be so much fun. That's Venus DeMilo. So catch Jesse Johnson's first-ever road Kill Tony on the road. She's flying with us, staying with us. It's going to be so much fun. That's a Venus de Milo. So catch Jesse Johnson's first ever road Kill Tony. Exciting stuff.

How about a hand for Chroma Chris over there, huh? Brand new sponsorship. This guy just got signed with a deal to one of the biggest amp companies in the world, Orange Amplifiers. Orange Amps. Thank you so much. And also thank you to G&L Guitars as well. Absolutely.

Chrome, unbelievable work. He's racking up sponsorships. Speaking of sponsored, an official Ludwig artist. I implore you to go check out the website. Look at the other drummers that are signed by Ludwig. You're going to be amazed. How about another hand for him? It's Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody.

Retaining the throne. He may be up to, I don't know, 30, 35, 40 undefeated victories. Anything else, Joel? Nope. Love you guys. Peace. He's mostly sorry on social media. RyanJEBelt.com for all the prints of Kill Tony.

DeathSquad.tv or TonyHinchcliffe.com for Kill Tony or stand-up tickets. And, yeah, next week, Dan Soder and Dom Irere. I mean, that's just home run derby. Getting right back to our normal groove of things. Just a couple comedians. We're going to have a lot of fun here next week. Love you guys. Good night, everybody.

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