KILL TONY - KILL TONY #436

Episode Date: February 21, 2020

Dan Soder, Dom Irrera, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, David Deery, Brandon Thompson, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 02/17/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Conditions apply. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.TV, for everything Kill Tony, including past episodes of the show, video portions, and if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Not only do we record every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California, but we are on the road all the time. So if you click on tour dates, you can see that we're in Vancouver, Swansea, La Jolla, Ventura, Washington, Boston, Austin, a bunch of dates. Click on tour

dates at DeathSquad.tvtv. Also check out Tony's website, Tony Hinchcliffe.com. There you have everything golden pony, including his standup dates. So go to Tony Hinchcliffe.com and Ryan J Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every single episode of kill Tony. You can check out his website,

Ryan J Ebelt.com. He has posters prints. He even has the kill Tony book there. So check out Ryan J Ebelt.com and last but not least shopelt.com. He has posters, prints. He even has the Kill Tony book there. So check out RyanJEBelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. There you have the official Kill Tony t-shirt, including Death Squad hats and shirts and mugs. Go to ShopSquad.tv, the official merchandise of Kill Tony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchclap. Fuck yes! Here we are. It's Monday night. We're in the greatest possible

place we could be in. The great Brian Red Band's here, everybody. From the local and national news, Brian Redband. Speaking on behalf of Kill Tony, because when it comes to bad press, that's when I let Redband jump in and handle it. Fresh off our first ever murder case. We have someone that was pulled out of the bucket a couple months ago

that it turns out, out of all the episodes in which I've said that someone looks like a killer, this guy was an actual killer. Allegedly, he was. Rest in peace to the innocent victim there. Very sad story, but tonight we're here to laugh. Am I right, people? Enough about these people being murdered. And by the way, proof yet again.

You know what? We guessed, we did a little math. Over 3,000 people have been pulled out of this bucket in this show's history, over 3,000. And only one murder? That's not bad. Am I right, people? Come on.

Come on. The road never ends for us. We are going to sell out a 1,300-seat venue. I believe there's about 70 tickets left this Friday in Vancouver. 1,300-seat, beautiful Vogue Theater. You got us. Then we move on at the end of February. One week after that, To Kill Tony East, number two, Venus de Milo, right in Swansea.

Smack dab between Providence and Boston. A new annual tradition for us and an amazing venue. And then it goes on and on. Next week after that, I'm in La Jolla doing five stand-up comedy shows and two Kill Tonys. That's March 5th through the 7th on the stand-up. March 8th, two Kill Tonys. So a little fun fact for any of you L.A. comedians that maybe have never taken a drive down to San Diego. I mean, we have enough comedians, that's for sure.

But if you're bored on that Sunday, why not make a little road trip down there? You've got nothing to lose. You have nothing going on in your fucking lives. March 20th to the 21st, Kill Tony and me doing stand-up in Tacoma. I'm featuring some of your favorite Kill Tony comedians on those shows. March 27th to the 29th, Skankfest South for the first time ever. Very exciting stuff. And let's make an announcement, Brian.

Let's make a fucking big one. Right here, right now. Before I plug Kill Tony Boston. Oh, there you go. This is it. People have been waiting a long time for this. This is one of the bucket list places that we've never been before that everybody says

we have to go to and now we're doing it. April 3rd miami florida your first ever kill tony i'm headlining a another stand-up show in miami on april 4th i was just there i was in miami and west palm beach unbelievable two of the best improvs in the country run sure that's what miami is to red. Another chance to consume alcohol until he poisons himself and convinces himself that a fan roofied him. Kill Tony Boston, April 9th. Boston stand-up, four massive shows that I'm doing.

It laughs Boston, April 10th to the 11th. We go to Moon Tower, April 23rd to the 25th. And other fun stuff and other announcements coming soon we work so hard we have an amazing team of people that we surround ourselves with uh you know i got my my guy mcvader out there making incredible graphics we have brandon the intern running around david deary making sure everything is on its hinges we have Gino from Speedweed making sure we have a proper mindset for the show. Vito's Pizza on La Cienega keeping our blood sugar levels high. Caveman Coffee keeping us alert and aware at all times.

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You heard the ads. This is a real podcast. In fact, the number one live podcast in the world. Featured all night tonight on NBC, CBS, ABC, and Fox. You can see the Kill Tony logo all night. No matter what type of media. All press is good press. So there you go. Very,

very good. Yes. There we go. It doesn't really work when it's the first beat of that sounds like the Darth Vader theme. So it doesn't really. All right. Very good. Yes, I know it does. It's the same thing. I've been here for music anyway, ladies and gentlemen, it brings me great joy to bring out tonight's guests, two of literally the funniest human beings on the planet. There's no doubt about that. No one can argue that. They are absolutely undeniable, and it is a pleasure

for me to have them both back, returning to this show. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great Dom Irera and Dan Soder, everybody! Come on! What? What? Fuck yes! Fuck yeah!

Doesn't matter. Sit wherever you want. Dan Soder is back, ladies and gentlemen, fresh off being a straight white male with a one-hour HBO special. Holy shit. I did it! I did it, white guys! Do you have any idea? I got

the one! Do you have any idea how funny you have to be? Thanks. To do that? That is unbelievable. Son of a Gary is out now on HBO, which, you know, I have always been loyal to the soil at HBO. They just blow my mind.

I'm upset. Right now, I have never been that excited to go home right after a show on Mondays. Right now, they have McMillions. They have The Outsider. They've always had the greatest stuff. And I mean, just nowhere cooler to have your new one-hour special. Am I right? Yeah. It's one of, I think, eight all year as opposed to one of 50. I'm a white dude. I would have got new one hour special. Am I right? Yeah, it's one of I think eight all year as opposed to

one of 50. I'm a white dude. I would have got washed away on Netflix. Absolutely. Can you plug my bananas date? Dom Ireda is going to be at Bananas in New Jersey. Past Brook Heights.

I was on Golden Girls too. You can probably find Golden Girls on some of your streaming sites out there. Netflix, for sure. I'm Ernie in Hey Arnold. Does that count for anything? Hey Arnold, that's right. That's fucking awesome. Don Myrera is also going to be in Ireland in Kill Kenny in June.

For fuck's sake. I love it. From Kill Tony to Kill Kenny. You got it, right? That's right. You're going there too? Actually, well, I'm not allowed to say if we are or we aren't actually, but I do believe we might be somewhere around that area around that time.

Great non-answer. Yeah. How long are you going to be there for? A couple weeks. How cool would that be if we end up... Where's Kilkenny? Is that far from Dublin? It's north of Cork, south of Dublin. How far south?

It could only be a couple hours. I was putting myself to sleep. We'll figure it out. We'll send an Uber for you. I was actually trying to follow the directions. Well, guys, as you know, you've both done the show before. Dom Irera, fun fact, has the record for all-time appearances on a guest in the history of this show. Unbelievably quick on his feet, and we love it.

And, Dan, we're so happy that you're here visiting from lovely New York. I'm glad to be here. You're one of the New Yorkers that if you lived here, you'd be near the record for most appearances on this show as well. I like inflated stats, too. Dan, you're one of the strongest middle acts I've had work for me. Thank you very much. I just feel like I'm here as your nurse.

I'm like, Mr. Rory, you've got to sit down. You get a little stressed out. Am I still like, Mr. Rory, you gotta sit down. You're getting a little stressed out. Am I still awake? Yeah. I didn't steal your war medals. Well, guys, I'm gonna tell you one thing that's gonna keep us awake through this entire episode. We have a band on this show, ladies and gentlemen. They are

the meat and potatoes of this whole thing. When stuff gets too serious, they're here to make sure everything stays a little light. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. None of us ever know what they're going to be. They have a separate dressing room connected to the back green room in which they get ready in, and

we have no idea what they're going to be. Maybe it's brand new characters. Maybe it's the return of some of their famous characters that we've seen before. Let's all find out together when I present to you the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Jetski, Jesse Johnson,

Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Let's see what it is tonight. Whoa! Whoa! Look at this. We've seen these guys before. No doubt about it.

These are wizards, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, look at that. It's the great Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode. Thank you, wizard, for directing me over there. Sometimes I forget. Ryan J. Ebel does such a good hunch over that sometimes he just disappears into his own body. How about a hand for the wizards, everybody? Here they are. This is exciting. No shoes

on you, huh, wizard? My goodness, that's a bold move. Why don't you have any shoes on, main wizard guy? What are shoes? Let me introduce my clan. Yes. Hello, Tony. I am Joharis the Powerful Oh, okay Alright

Hello, I'm Haggis the Thick And I've got a sponsor here It's a little bit of magic It's Nitro Cold Brew Oh, wow Look at that, heck yeah, thank you I'll take that, actually. I was looking for one of these.

I ran out. And how about you back there? My name is Gorlock, the warlock. All right. I think it works better when I just ask everybody what they are. And I am Viagra, the horny. Niagra? You have it written down for you?

Niagara, yes, I wrote it down for you just in case. All right, very good. Thank you so much. How about a hand for the wizards, everybody? We have wizards and comedy wizards. Dom, I remember Dan Soder. We got the National News' Brian Redband here with the soundboard, which brings me to this, the Bucket of Destiny, ladies and gentlemen, the one and the only, Ichabod's bucket of destiny, in which I pull a name out and literally anybody, perhaps someone that's one day going to commit a serious crime, can get pulled out of the bucket.

If you get pulled out, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. Do anything you want with. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. That's the rules. You guys ready to start this thing? After that, we interview the people. After that 60 seconds, you stay up here and I interview you.

We try to find out more about you. Maybe you get a little feedback or some life advice from some of the brilliant wizardly minds up here. Being honest is always the best approach during that part of the show. You guys ready to start this thing? Monday night, comedy store. Guys, we're all here. No one's having more

fun than us. Are you guys ready to start this fucking show or what? There you go. more fun than us. Are you guys ready to start this fucking show or what? There you go. And your first comedian, getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight, goes by the name of Devorah Caslan. Devorah Caslan.

Wow, right there. Look at that. Right here. Here we go. One more time for Devorah Kaslan, everybody. Hello. My name's Devorah. It's Hebrew. I'm Jewish.

I'm so Jewish that even when I try not to be, I still am. I'm an accountant. And I didn't even study business or finance. Yeah, my hiring manager just looked at me and was like, Jew. Jew can do it. Now, get back here and crunch those numbers. I'm like, this is kind of racist, but I'll do it. I'll take the money. I'm not above it. Yeah, a little bit more about me. I eat a lot. I think I have a food addiction. And I'm just like, how do you, like, quit food?

Like, I'm trying to quit food, cold turkey. But, like, my version of quitting anything cold turkey is to, like, go to the store and buy a bunch of cold turkey. But like my version of quitting anything cold turkey is to like go to the store and buy a bunch of cold turkey and layer it with mayonnaise, shovel it down my throat. That's my solution to everything. Okay, you guys are great. Devorah Casland. You said that they were great at the end of that. What did you mean by that? Was that like sarcasm or something?

No, I think everyone here is great. Oh, come on. Come on. Deborah, are you Jewish? I don't know. A little bit. It's about time the Jews got a break, huh? Yeah. I can't say Jew A little bit. It's about time the Jews got a break, huh? Yeah.

I can't say Jew without bastard at the end. Killing me in this business. Jew bastard. Good job. Thank you. I'm glad you hung in there and didn't break character. Seriously. Yeah.

Cool. I love you. Welcome, welcome, Devorah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like two years. Uh-huh. All here in Los Angeles? My first year was in San Francisco.

That explains why I feel like I gave you the wrong coffee order and you're judging me for it. Yeah, totally. That's kind of the energy you have. Like I didn't order my coffee correctly. Yeah, you got it. I'm sorry. Fuck. Flat white?

I don't know how to say it right. You're talking different right now, I noticed. When you were talking, you were just like... Like now you're talking normal. Are you doing a character? Wait, how was that first part? I don't know. Like Daria with bacon.

I find this house elf very attractive. This wizard sounds offensively Jewish. What do you mean? So, Devorah, welcome, welcome. How old are you? Is that a weird question for you to ask? You seem like you'd be offended by that. Just your energies

tell me that you'd be easily offended. I'm offended by everything. That's correct. I'm 28. 28. 28. Do you consider yourself a feminist? I know I look like one. I consider myself a feminist, yeah. What's the most feminist thing you've ever done?

So like a march or something that you've done? I've been at the Dyke March in San Francisco. The Dyke March? Am I allowed to say that? Am I allowed to say that? Am I allowed to say that? Tony, you are. I think you can say it, but... Oh, I am?

Who said that? That was me. Oh, you son of a bitch. You look like a dyke. You can say whatever you want. Oh, shit. God damn it. God damn it Oh you guys really like that one a lot huh

Sons of bitches Also my initials are D-Y-K Is that true Yeah my middle name is Yael How many middle names do you have Just one Oh my god You know who hates that How many middle names do you have? Just one. Wow. Oh, my God. You know who hates that?

You know who hates that? The Recharge. The Recharge hate that. Wait, what? I'm on the wrong offensive word. So, Devorah, are you a lesbian? No. No, you just marched with them?

Yeah, just for fun. Wow. I was on the show before, like, over a year ago, and we had an extensive conversation. I mean, I don't expect you to remember, but it was basically all about how I'm not... That was just such awkward lobby interaction with a neighbor.

Woo! So that's what we talked about. We talked about you not being a lesbian last time you were on what do you remember any moment that really stood out to you during that interview part something big happened or a moment that you maybe loved or upset you or that you remember at all i wouldn't expect you to remember but uh i mean i'm just asking because it was a bigger deal for you than it was for me because we've done hundreds and hundreds of these episodes. Yeah, I realize that. Jeff Ross was on it and he roasted my jacket. I was wearing a name dropper.

Look at that. Roasting Jews for a change. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. All right. What do you do for work? I'm an accounts payable clerk. Jews for a change. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Alright. What do you do for work? I'm an accounts payable clerk. Wow. Jesus. Dude, I like that there was a lady in the audience that was offended by it. She's like, oh,

fuck that. You're the one that bothers me for my money. You collect money for multiple businesses, or is there one in particular that you're in charge of? Well, I work for a non-profit. Sure you do. That's what they all say, right?

Do you roller derby on the weekends? I wish. How long have you been cosplaying as one of the outsiders? I don't mean to scare you, but some socias just showed up. What do you do for fun? Any hobbies? You do seem like you would have a little something up your sleeve, like you're a part-time magician or something like that, or perhaps...

I wish I pretty much just work, do comedy, go to the gym. How about for fun? Anything at night time? Do you have any social things that you like to do? I go out dancing. Really? What type of music do you like to dance to?

No, stop it, Brian. Redband. Redband. Come on, Redband. no stop it brian red band red band come on red band he's got that nightly news swagger to him tonight uh what do you like to dance to we talking about hip-hop or uh polka or something like that um i like hip-hop or like house music. Yeah? Yeah. You do a lot of dancing? You dance with people or you sort of just dance by yourself like a feminist? I dance by myself.

You do? Really? Can you give us a little example of what that might sound? No. No, that's not. No, that's at the Dyke March. That's a different thing. Yeah.

I love it. I love it. I love it. You're such a fucking whore. Dom Irera shocking us with lyrics from a Kanye West song. He's the only guy that knows music from Kanye West and the Wild West at the same time. This is the thing I love. Brian, really any hip-hop song in the world. Hey.

Can we get a little lighting change? I'm too sober for this. Oh, no, you got it. Ladies and gentlemen, on stage three, Devorah. I don't. No, you got this. I'm just kidding. I don't dance.

Come on. Don't let me out. Wow. Don't let me out. There you go. Thank you. She's like, you have to pay me first. So you really don't dance, or you just got a little shy there?

I got shy. I'm usually, yeah. Would it help if you danced with a wizard? You said you didn't, you said you haven't drank enough for this. If I bought you a shot and a drink, would you come back at the end of the episode and set us off with some Jewish feminist dance moves? Yeah, totally. You would?

Yeah. All right, well, wait, staff. There you go, David Deary. He's going to take your order there in the back. There she goes, Devorah Kaslan. We're going to bring you back at the end. Yes. I got to know what that's like.

I'm putting this here. We're going to bring you back at the end. I got to know what that's like. I'm putting this here. We're going to save this. DeFora Casland. Heck yeah. We're going to see dancing from someone that was at a real life dyke march, everyone. I'm excited about this. If she's funny,

she'll go get hammered yeah exactly there they go they're taking her back there right now this is the first time in the show's history i've ever gotten someone liquored up so they'll do something creepy on this show that'll be fun i love i guarantee you she comes back later she's a whole different person just like fucking woo all right this episode is brought to you by starbucks welcome back winter with a starbucks drink in hand whether you've been waiting for a pistachio latte and pistachio cream cold brew or in the mood to shake things up with the new iced hazelnut oh shaken espresso need to cozy up with a tea latte there should be nothing stopping you from achieving all your goals you've got this want to travel the world

international experience canada provides opportunities for young canadians to get a work permit in over 35 countries and territories visit can Canada.ca slash IEC. A message from the Government of Canada. Your next comedian goes by the name of Jim Felix. Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Felix. Yell that name back there. Here he comes. Is that him? Come on, Jim. Here he comes this way This is the real deal right here Jim Felix everybody Cheers That's why my teeth yellowed

the other day. I mean, I had them whitened, but we had to stop at yellow. The dentist said that if we tried to yellow them fully, it could kill me. I'm way too drunk for this right now. I just wanted to let you know. I was not expecting to be called up right now, so...

I don't know if he was a dentist anyway. This is my bit. I mean, I've been buying my weed from him for like five years. I've never seen like a diploma or a fucking receptionist or like one of those chairs with like the, ah, fuck. There you go, Jim Felix. Fuck yeah.

Hell yeah. Welcome, welcome. Coming up here with straight up Devil's Rejects energies. My God. This is mind-boggling. Let's check in with the wizard over there. This wizard has been banished

from my village for centuries. Oh my goodness gracious. Wow. Oh my God, you have tiny hands for your big ass body, dude. Holy shit. Whoa, you do have tiny hands. Oh my god. He tried to pound him. I was like, what happened to his fist?

Jeremiah shrank it. Those are the tiniest hands I've ever seen on a big man. This is an incredible Are you serious? You have baby hands. What are those? Dude, that'sest hands I've ever seen on a big man. This is an incredible... Are you serious? Incredible. You have baby hands. What are those?

Dude, that's the first I've ever heard that. Well, your friends are very nice to you. I have no friends. There you go. You just thought you had a huge dick your whole life when you jerk off? I've heard that. So big. Didn't I see you at a dike parade in San Francisco?

Maybe. Tiny handser. That's what this is for. I've never heard that. Wait, let's see your hands. The other one. You've got to line up the other one. Man, you are hammered.

No, he's got pretty big hands. I am hammered. I just wanted to hold hands. I have tiny hands too? You infected me with your tiny hands. I am hammered. No, Dan. I just wanted to hold hands. I have tiny hands too? You infected me with your tiny hands. Dan, you're huge. Damn you and your wizardry. Wow.

Welcome to another episode of Kill Tiny. Yeah. Tiny hands. Big men with tiny hands. Put your hand up to Dom's hand. Let's see where Dom is on the... Thank you. He made his hand small.

Oh, my God. So, Jim Felix, I'm going to tell you straight from the get. My initial thing on that was you had momentum going into it. I liked you 15, 20 seconds in. Then you started breaking down for no reason. Well, I'm drunk, man. I liked you. They had to stop your teeth whitening at yellow.

That was funny. You had me, and then you just started shitting on yourself. How drunk are you? I'm too drunk to remember where I fucked up. Oh, my goodness. I just told you. That's the sad part. That's how drunk I am.

When did you start drinking today? About 3 p.m. What were you doing at 3 p.m.? You went to an actual bar and sat down? No, I bought some Amaretto. Amaretto. Woo! 3 p.m.?

You bought it from the liquor store? President's Day. Like in a brown paper bag? Ralph's? You went to Ralph's just for Amaretto or did you get something else? Just for Amaretto and cream for coffee tomorrow morning. Oh, my God. Not a sandwich?

No cold turkey? Anything? I'm fasting today, so. You're fasting. All right. Dude, that's hilarious that people are starting to call alcoholism

fasting. Yeah. That is incredible. Amaretto and cream is a small drink, a small hand drink. Anyway, never mind. There you go.

There it is. Little iceberg for you. It's frozen up back there. Are my hands that small? It's so wasted. This is the worst DUI checkpoint I've ever seen. Jim, you have fun drunk energy. The problem is when you started breaking down,

you're like, oh, you're fucking hammered. That was the first Kill Tony set I've ever gone through where I was waiting for you to ask to bum a cigarette at the end. I don't smoke, so. That's how that whole thing felt. Jim, how long have you been doing stand-up? One minute. That's your first set ever?

Absolutely. Now, did you get drunk knowing that you were coming here tonight? Absolutely. You got nervous? I don't get nervous. Do you drink every day like how you drank today? I don't drink. I smoke weed. I grow weed. So I don't get nervous. Do you drink every day like how you drank today? I don't drink. I smoke weed. I grow weed. So you don't get nervous. So what made you start

drinking today, the day that you chose for your first time, if you don't get nervous to do stand up, why'd you start drinking today at 3 p.m.? Because today was the first day I put my name in the bucket. Wasn't my question. What was your question? Did you start drinking early today, you who said he doesn't drink regularly,

because you were nervous because you were signing up for this show? I figured the alcohol would help me. Right, right. A little loose. Yeah, a lot of people think that. Only works for Doug Stanhope. It didn't work, though. It didn't work.

How much do you feel you overshot the mark? I don't know, man. You tell me. A couple slurs. A couple slurs? All right. Yeah, how many hands? Two or three?

I would say two slurs. You make me want to drink again. I don't drink. I usually don't drink. Dude, you definitely drink. I should drink. I'm talking to you right now. You definitely drink?

This is a trip. What made you pick Amaretto? I love Amaretto. You do? When I do drink, I do drink. It tastes good, man. That's a real rugged man's drink. Give me some Amaretto, you little fag. It tastes like cherries, man.

What's your second favorite? Like Kahlua or something? Do you like? PBR, man. Because of the Comedy Store. Wow. There you go. Because of the double 24-ounce there, you know?

No, we don't. All right. Jim, so what made you start stand-up? How old are you? I am 43. I love it. What made you start today? 4,300.

Wow. What made you start today? Because,300, wow. What made you start today? Because, well, I... You watched Joaquin Phoenix's Oscar speech, and you're like, well... Yeah, I was like, fuck it. So I'm a web developer, and I originally pursued that development, that career, because for music. I am hammered right now, so this is really weird. You develop websites

for musicians? No, I pursued that career because... You make music? At the time, I pursued that career because I would be able to do it on the road. However, I realized that being in a band would be you deal with other musicians.

So I figured comedic comedy. Yeah. Dude, I'm actually following all this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. It makes sense. It makes sense when you think about it. Man, just keep going, dude.

Keep going down that river. Yeah, talk more. So comedy is just like, I want to do, I work from the road, so it's like comedy fits right in. Right, it fits right in. I'm hammered, so. I know you are.

You are hammered. Yes, are you sure you don't want a snack? I have the perfect snack for you. Wait, oh, you have a snack for him? To sober him up a little bit? She's reaching in. Oh, sweet. Whoa, look at that.

Hell yeah. Oh, this is that. Hell yeah. This is brilliant. Is this special? No, they won't get you high, but they might sober you up. Are those real Twinkies? Wow, look at that. Two in the Twinkie, one in the Stinky. Anyway, so 43 years old, you chose this.

When you said that you were doing stuff with music, did you ever learn to play any instruments or anything like that? I play guitar. I play drums a little bit. A little bit? Yeah, I don't trust it. I don't trust it. Dude's wasted.

I don't play drums. I just want to play drums. Yeah, I know. You suck dick. Anything else crazy we should... Do you want to? No. Anything else crazy we should know about you or to? No. Anything else crazy

we should know about you or your life? Any fun facts about Jim Felix that would shock us? You were born in Western Tennessee? Massachusetts. Yeah.

Worcester County. Worcester. You put the mass in Massachusetts. Okay. Yeah, right? Okay. Why don't we...

That was terrible. Let me go look. Is there a crystal ball you can rub for more power or something? Yeah, his head. All right. Anyway.

Oh, damn it. Fuck. Let's just relax for a second. Joel's mom is here, by the way. Make some noise for her. Sitting somewhere out there, very disappointed right now. I think she left, actually. In this incredible momentum change.

That's right. That's right. I saw her get up and walk out of here on her own two feet at one point. Anyway, Jim, congratulations on signing up and getting up. I mean, I think you know what I might tell

you right now, right? I suck? Well, no. No, the opposite. I think you should do it without drinking. I want to say that Kill Tony is the show that propelled me to do this. Well, that's not a compliment to us right now at all. You know what? That's exactly what a guy said two months ago that went on to...

I ain't that dude. Don't you point your little hand at him. It's incredible. Are you doing anything? I've never heard that before. How much of a set do you think you could have? Like how long of a set? He's never, he's just.

Just one minute? He doesn't even have a minute. We just saw him bail out after 15 seconds. Did I really? If you're not, if you're free Friday, I would love to give you some Ice House beer. I've got five minutes. I can.

Oh, wow. There you go. I'd be down with that. There you go. Absolutely. This guy clearly will do There you go. I'll be down with that. There you go. Absolutely. This guy clearly will do anything if you share your Twinkies with him. Make some noise for Jim Felix, everybody.

There he goes. His first time ever, first time ever doing standup comedy. Started drinking at 3 p.m. Oh, wow. This is fun. This young lady has been pulled out of the bucket before on this show.

I know because you just simply can't forget the comedy stylings of Soccer Mom, ladies and gentlemen. Soccer Mom. We've seen her before. Here she comes from deep in the lobby. Hey, love potion number nine. Here she is.

Cheryl the Soccer, is back. Okay. You guys, I love stand-up so much. This is my favorite thing. This feels better than anything else I do to myself. Yes, anything. So basically what's happening right now is I'm up here making y'all watch me pleasure myself. Well, not like in a creepy Louis C.K. kind of way.

Although, I do like to do that at the gym. I do. I go down to the freeway area and I wait to make eye contact with a bro on a weight bench. And then I get out my reading glasses that I need because I'm old as fuck. And then I clean my reading glasses very aggressively. Oh, does this make you uncomfortable, Chad? Well, you should have thought about that before you came down here free-balling in your sweatpants.

Look how you're dressed. You're asking for it, Chad. Wow. Soccer Mom, everybody. Very interesting. She has children, ladies and gentlemen. She's up here cleaning her glasses On the Kill Tony stage Welcome back to the show, Soccer Mom

How's it going? Let's check in with the main wizard I love this woman You do? What is it? Wow, what is it, Viagra? Everything! Oh my goodness, Viagra the horny Is all about you

Could you do the glasses thing? No, no, come on, Viagra Just the horny is all about you. Could you do the glasses thing perhaps? No, no. Come on, Viagraor. No, no. Just one more time, please. No, come on. Is that a wand in your pants? What do you got over there?

This tennis axe is holding up itself right now. All right. So Cheryl Soccer Mom, welcome back to the show. Thank you. You've been on before. We had a lot of fun with you. Welcome back. This is your second time up here?

Second time, yes. That's right. And the first time during the interview part, what did we mostly talk about? What stood out to you? What did we get out of you? Anything good? Black men. Oh, you love black men. That's right. I no longer like this woman.

Viagra or the racist, clearly. It's another time. My goodness. Have you been with any black men since the last time you were on the show? No. I just did the Bay Area Black Comedy Competition last weekend. The Bay Area Black Comedy

Competition? The Bay Area Black Comedy Competition. Oh, so you like BBC? Yeah. That's it. Bay Area Black Comedy. competition. Oh, so you like BBC? Yeah. That's it. Bane black comedy. Are you guys all in blackface up in San Francisco? Jesus fucking Christ, Brian.

The ideas that go through this guy's skull. That joke never happened. Thank you. So soccer mom, you did the, You were in the competition Did you make it past round one? Yes I did How far did you go?

To the semifinals They kept passing you out I bet most of them thought you were a cop Yeah Hey yo we gotta pass this bitch at least to the semifinals Don't knock her out early I got fucking warrants. And did anybody hit on you there?

Any of the black men? No, I mean. But you love black men. Do you ever flirt with them? You know, I'm old. Yeah. Yeah. Let me tell you, it's easy.

You just go out there and you go, anybody want their bills paid? Just like that. You fucking just watch them all. Just fucking. I don't see any black guys, so I can't tell if they thought that was funny or not. You ever blow in some big black guy and your kids walk in? Don't you hate that? They're used to it by now.

When's the last time you had a big black cock in your head? Oh, my goodness. Dom. It happened to me. by now. When's the last time you had a big black cock in your head? Oh, my goodness. Dom. It happened to me. My goodness. All right. I love it. I love it.

Hey. So, Soccer Mom, what is your dating life like right now? You're divorced, right? No, I've been married 35 years. Oh, you're married 35 years to the same white guy. Yep. And you have kids. Yes.

How old are your kids? 32 and 25. 32 and 25. Very cool. Absolutely. And they're all off and doing good with themselves? Yep. Amazon and law school.

Wow. That's great. That is great. And how do you and your husband keep it interesting in the bedroom after 35 years? We do alright. Yeah. He's a cuck. You use your magic wand. Is there anything special that you guys do? You have any advice for all these

young couples in the... Separate states. He's in Minnesota. What? What a development. You're not married. You're separated. Now this is a real feminist. How long have you guys lived in two different states?

I go back and forth. I come down here to do this. I'm on the road a bit. What does he do, your husband? He's an engineer. I used to be an engineer, too. I was an avionics engineer. But now you don't do that.

Why is that? Well, I stayed home when the kids were little, and I ran a website during that time. And then I started, and then I sold my website. Not that kind of website. Joe Harris the powerful. What was that supposed to mean? All right. Joe Harris the powerful what was that supposed to mean alright very good

that's where her love for BBC paid off yeah exactly coming right at ya going for a ride on that sweet sweet bang bus so what do you do for fun you must have some hobbies the kids are all grown up and out on their own now. There must be something you do. The husband's away. You're not really, you don't

date anyone. You guys are just keeping a long distance relationship going. So what are some of the things? You into disc golf or anything like that? No, I play tennis. I do yoga. I'm in the car a lot because I'm always driving. So I listen to books. It's nothing exciting. My goodness. You like books? I like books. What a nice life. Is that how I know I'm getting older?

That just sounds nice. You're significant others in another state. You go through a lot of books on tape. Good for you, Cheryl. Good for you. What kind of books are you into? Wizard books. Oh. Look at that.

She knows how to talk dirty to this wizard. What else? Oh, there you go. Okay, wizard. Thank you. This is leading to nowhere. Disappearing, I shall remain. Okay, all right.

Very good. So there must be something exciting that you've done in your life lately that's outside of the realm of books on tape, right? Or comedy. Have you done anything? No, other than stand-up comedy. I know about the Bay Area Black Comedy Festival and things like that. But outside of comedy, nothing?

I do. I take improv at UCB, so I've done some. Outside of comedy, like something fun that you've done lately. Maybe you went to an XFL game or something like that. Perhaps you... I'm a Vikings fan. Went to the Vikings game. Are you just waiting for her to turn and be like, Perhaps you... I'm a Vikings fan. Went to the Vikings game. All right. Are you just waiting for her to turn and be like, I hunt Guatemalan children.

I think so. I fucking wish. Sometimes we get together in the Sonora Desert. I feel like there's something in this backstory I'm not finding out. I'm getting Ozark vibes from her. She's running some type of double life. I wouldn't tell then, would I? Ooh.

Alright. There she goes. Cheryl Soccer Mom, everybody. She is at Cheryl Soccer Mom. C-H-E-R-Y-L. Soccer Mom, all one word. I felt like I went a little Tourette's on her. I feel bad. Soccer mom.

Hey, look at that. You were flirting. He wants you to call him. I feel like you both have landlines, so it's going to probably go through. All right, we have a regular on this show. We're going to get back to the bucket. He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week.

There you go. There's that landline telephone sound. Not a minute too late. Controversial figure. Probably one of the longest standing regulars in the show's history. This guy just will not give up. He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. Very hard to do.

People absolutely love him or hate him, but I've seen a big turn in his stock lately. Ever since there were double William Montgomery's up here, something happened in which I think his haters fell in love with him. So let's see what he does tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one and only William Montgomery. Here he is. He's got a skip in his step.

He's coming up with a real purpose tonight. I can feel it, people. Here he is, William Montgomery. First and foremost, if y'all don't laugh tonight, I'm going to have to throw a red band off a balcony. red band off a balcony. So I've been a real germaphobe ever since I got HIV. This is a guy who's stuck on an

elevator the moment he realizes he's stuck. Hold on, are we fucking stuck? Did y'all hear about the guy who predicted Kobe Bryant would die in a helicopter crash? The weird part is he started his prediction with I sure hope.

If the New Yorker doesn't publish a think piece about cisgender Christian males choosing white Christmas lights over colored Christmas lights, does an angel still get its wings? Wow. I love that laugh at the end. My goodness. I mean.

My goodness. I had a horrible night last night. Yeah? What happened? Tell me all about it. Take a look at my arm. Uh-huh. I can't.

Wow. Oh, is that a bite mark? That looks like a bite mark. What is that, William? Y'all, I almost don't want to talk about this. The girl I've been hanging out with, it's not official yet, but I have to break up with her. She's probably watching this right now. Literally last night, she stabbed me three times with a set of keys.

She ended up literally, I live in a duplex, if you want to call it that. Are you being serious? Yeah, no, I'm being very serious. Redman, you already have thoughts about all this. Literally, that's her texting me right now. I felt a, no, but seriously, she just nonchalantly gets her bags, walks out to the third story fucking thing out there and puts her bags down and throws her legs across and says, I'm about to jump off.

No, William, don't. That really happened last night. No, no. I'm on edge. I swear to God that happened last night. No, you're lying. You're lying right now. No, it happened last night. What's going on to God that happened last night. No, you're lying. You're lying right now. No, it happened last night.

What's going on? Is that your girlfriend? Is that really her? You want to call her? Oh, my God. You think that's a good idea? Y'all got to keep it down. Y'all got to keep it down. I'm not kidding. Y'all gotta keep it down. Y'all gotta keep it down.

I'm not kidding. Y'all saw the bloody mark on my arm. Okay, this is such a bad idea. Alright, shh. You have it on speaker there? I have it on speed dial on my phone. Erica? Turn your volume up. How are you?

Good. How are you? Turn your volume on your phone up, William. Turn the volume on your phone up, William. Press the buttons on the side of your phone to turn the volume up, William. Erica? Jesus Christ. This guy's always had his volume on low the entire time he's had this phone.

He has no idea. No, it's off. She got off. We don't need to do that. Okay. It's already. Very good. So, William, let's talk about this for a second because it's been a running storyline that perhaps you're in a toxic relationship.

I am in over my head. What one could clearly say is the peak of your career. Things have never been going better for you. Things have never been better for me. You have a big manager. The first time I was in over my head, I was working for a Taco Bell.

I was making $30,000 a year. I was infecting people with HIV. I didn't get a shot. My goodness gracious. So what do you think? How do you think this thing is really going to end? Because those are bite marks, right? On your arm?

It's a key mark. That's a key mark? Let me see that again. It's a key mark. Okay. Yes. NBC Nightly News theme for the third time tonight, for those of you counting.

Let me see that. Over here, William. Over here. William. Over here. William, can I see it? That is... That's a passionate relationship, isn't it? You could say that. Yeah, what did you do to her? What did she look like,

William? Huh? What'd you do to her? I punched her in the face. She has two black eyes. I punched her square in the nose. She has two black eyes. punched her square in the nose She has two black eyes Whoa, I just saw Cheryl Sockham on Peeker Headin When she heard two black eyes Cheryl Crow?

Black eyes, Cheryl, black eyes But yeah, no, literally I don't know what to do now Yes, you do, William It's just that you're afraid no one else is ever going to want to fuck you Because of what you look like. But you know exactly what you need to do. That's what I worry about.

Yeah, well. If we're going to be frank up here, that's what I worry about. I have something called hammer toe. I have two toes forged together. I'm addicted to fireworks. I don't know how many of y'all mess around with fireworks. I'm addicted to fucking black cats. I don't know if y'all are familiar with black cats.

I'm addicted to Dixie Whistlers. I don't know if y'all do Dixie Whistlers. What exactly is a Dixie Whistler? It is a loud fucking M-80-esque firework. It has a whistle to it. What do you do with them? How are you addicted to them? What do you do?

Tell us what you do with the Dixie Whistlers, William. I demand an answer. I have ten of them right now in my backpack. Oh, Red Band, that's fun. You bitch. What is that, a firework sound, you piece of shit?

Oh, my goodness. You guys have a real rivalry over here. Yeah, you could call it that. So, William, realistically, she hits you with keys, and then what do you do? What's your next move after that? I just say, bitch, you understand I'm a La Bamba fan. It is the lead actor, Lou Diamond, Phil's birthday today.

You're really going to put this on me. Hey. Perfect timing, Red Band! God damn it! What is that? Porta La Bamba? That is Porta La Bamba. La la la la la la Bamba.

Yeah, start it over again. That was funny. Hey! There he is doing a little head bobbing. You guys know how to play that? Can you guys play La Bamba? Yeah, do. You guys know how to play that? Can you guys play La Bamba? Yeah, do y'all know how to play that? You guys want to hear the band play La Bamba? That's really good.

That's really good. Here's what happens when you hire a white ass band. I was ready. Alright. Alright. Hey! What happens when you hire a white ass band? I was ready. All right. Hey. All right. All right. All right.

There you go. Okay. I take it back. That was impressive. It was really good. Stop. Please stop. You're killing my right ear.

Stop. This is. You're killing my right ear. You're killing my right ear. Stop. You're killing my right ear. You're killing my right ear. You're killing my right ear. That's enough. Who was on the piccolo? That's enough. That's enough.

That's enough. Hey, Wizard Viagra. Can't help himself over there. All right, William Montgomery. Fun times, dude. Again, you just come out here guns a-blazing. You just smash every single episode. It's completely undeniable.

You'll better get used to it. The people on the Internet can hate all they want, but here in the live showroom, he absolutely crushes every goddamn time, and we love having you on the show. The great William Montgomery, everybody. All right. All right. All right. This band is out of control.

All right. Pulled another name out. make some noise for kevin ophi kevin ophi oh jesus oh my god what have we done hold on hold on hold on hold, hold on, hold on. Do you see Kevin O'Fee movement, David? Okay, then we're going to move on in the bucket here. Your next comedian, in that case, will go by the name of Don Talcano. Don Talcano. Don.

Don here he comes no nope alright so you know when the show is as outrageously oversold out

as it is for those of you that listen and wonder why people could miss their spots because the sacrifice of having so many

audience members come in is that a lot of the comedians who choose to sign up for the show have to stand in the lobby or in hallways spread throughout the club and sometimes they get a little too uncomfortable. Sometimes people go pee miss their spots. Sometimes they smoke cigarettes but they don't ever

get a second chance. Put your hands together for Tommy Caroland. Tommy Caroland. We got it. And he's coming. One more time for Tommy Carillon. Thank you, thank you.

What's going on, everybody? I just quit smoking cigarettes not too long ago. And people always say quitting cigarettes is harder than quitting heroin, which makes a lot of sense to me, because you can't just go into any 7-Eleven and is harder than quitting heroin, which makes a lot of sense to me because you can't just go into any 7-Eleven and buy a bag of heroin, right? Also, to smoke a cigarette, you know what you don't need to do? Take your shoelaces out. So that makes it a whole lot easier right there. One month after I quit smoking, though, I said, you know what? Let's get into shape. Let's do like a 45-minute jog. I've always heard of this

runner's high. I've never tried it before before and i decided to mix with the marijuana high which was a terrible idea so i ran for 45 minutes i just never thought to turn a corner at any point so i ran in a straight line ran four miles away from home just got to like okay fuck i need to call a cab now this is definitely not how a jog is supposed to end but but here I am calling an Uber. I smoke pot medically. Used to try to say that I was curing insomnia, but everyone asked why I was doing that at noon. So then I figured out the twins run in my family. Now I just smoke to knock

my sperm count down as low as I can get it. I think it's working pretty well. I seen it in a documentary one time. Fuck yeah. Tommy Haraland. There you go. Hi, Tommy.

What's going on, man? Look at you, you young fucking demon, you. Oh, thank you, thank you. Look at this. I've never seen a guy that looks like the soul of Pete Buttigieg before. This is incredible. This is awesome. How long have you been doing stand-up?

About five years now. Five years. Where at? What part of hell were been doing stand-up? About five years now. Five years. Where at? What part of hell were you performing stand-up comedy? Back in New York. New York. New York City? City and upstate. Hell's Kitchen, right? Most of it, yeah.

I love that. I like you, Tommy, because you're like rural scary. You run into you in the woods, I'm like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah. You look like you took your red and yellow contacts out just to perform here tonight. I did.

You know, I tried to dress up for this. I was actually on a Poughkeepsie. Oh, okay. I thought I remembered you from somewhere. I thought maybe it was perhaps underneath my bed when I was a child or something like that. Now it's all coming back to me. That also Poughkeepsie explains all the heroin references.

I know this guy from being on my left shoulder arguing with the angel on my right. Do people ever told you you have demonic vibes? No, this is the first time. Wow, my goodness. Remember, I didn't say anything nasty to you. Keep that in mind.

Do you worship the dark lord, Lucifer, Satan? No. No? You look like chemo slice. Chemo slice? What? How does he look like? But I get the chemo, but in what way is he like?

That's all you need, dude. That's all you fucking need, dude. He's riddled with it, dude. I don't know if that's exactly you fucking need, dude. He's riddled with it, dude. I don't know if that's exactly how jokes work, but in no way is he like Kimbo Slice. That's all I'm saying. That's what Kimbo does to you, dude.

Almost the exact opposite. Oh my goodness. So Tommy, you how old are you? 29. 29. Fuck yeah. And what do you do for work?

I'm a plumber by trade. A plumber? Oh my goodness. Look at that. Wow, that's interesting. What type of plumbing do you prefer to do? Mostly sprinkler systems. Really?

Yeah. Nice. Stay away from shit. Good job. Exactly. You're a smart plumber, Tommy. Sprinkler systems. And you live out here in L.A. now? Yeah. Nice. Stay away from shit. Good job. Wow. You're a smart plumber, Tommy. Sprinkler systems. And you live out here in LA now?

Yep. Working on sprinkler systems. Meanwhile, this seems like the most sunlight you've ever gotten in your entire life. It's a lot of indoor stuff. I'm watching you get tan up here as the sec goes on from these lights. At what age did you realize you could move things with your mind? 23. Okay.

Do you have any special skills or talents or hobbies? You seem like the type of guy that definitely has something going on, right? Magic the Gathering or... No, I've been to a gathering of the Juggalos. Ah, there it is. That's what I was picking up. You smell like Faygo. Yeah, they're here next week, actually.

Oh, you're going to go to it? Probably not. Oh, well. How long have you lived in L.A.? Three months now. Three months. How's that going for you? Pretty well, I guess.

I'm starting to think I need to get a job now. Oh, still no job. We got a lot of sprinklers out here. I noticed that. They're called Mexicans. No, I'm kidding. Sorry, a lot of sprinklers out here. I noticed that. They're called Mexicans. No, I'm kidding. Sorry, that was low-hanging fruit, which brings me back to Mexicans. Anyway, no, I'm kidding.

You can find those jokes on the side of the road. You know what I'm saying? What have you been doing for money the past three months? Well, I just saved up when I was in New York. I've been selling my hair for science. So you're running out of money. What's your living situation? Studio downtown.

You have your own apartment. My goodness. Wow. What's it like? What do you have on your walls? Death metal posters and things? No, vinyl records. Oh.

Eminem, Tech N9ne. Tech N9ne? The rapper from Kansas City? Yes. My yes my goodness gracious wow look at that i never would have guessed that what do you have like you have you have a you have an album a poster of tech nine or an album do you have a bullseye over its head because like you seem like you would be against the rapper type no uh you look like American history extra small. Does that make sense? It's like a reverse. I don't know. Anyway.

Wow. Tommy, what's your love life like? He is a eunuch. He cannot love. Single, just hanging out. Single. You been with a girl since being in L.A.? No.

Been on a date or anything like that? No, I haven't really been out there too much for that. Really? You like girls? You're into girls? That's your thing? Yeah, I guess. You guess?

What else are you into? No, it's not really a main focus of mine right now. Yeah, it's never a main focus of anybody, but you know what I mean. You gotta get that fucking, you know what I'm talking about. I haven't met any girls that are part bat. Dude, this really does feel like

a slow roll, like you're gonna ask him if he's a vampire eventually. Can you only go in places if you're invited in? How do you feel about crucifixes? When you say that's not a main focus, would you say you have a slower-than-average sex drive? Maybe. Does the carpet match the drapes?

Are you completely shaven down there? No, I've let that go the past few. It's too much to maintain. Just cutting my hair and junk all the time. Double-decker haircut. They all say you gotta pick one or the other. Exactly. Otherwise, then all the chemo jokes

come out. Right. Right. Huh. My goodness. Have you kissed a girl since living here in Los Angeles? No. No? Really? I don't drink, so I'm not out at bars or anything. So you've never had a chance to even kiss a girl in LA? No, not yet. I'm sensing a very, very heavy dry spell amongst you.

That was Chroma Chris, for those of you wondering what that was. I mean, I don't know. It's been a few weeks since we've done it, but I think we should try. Is there a Kill Tony fan out there? A young lady that'd be willing to come up here and give Tommy Carolan his first ever Los Angeles kiss?

Anyone out there? Anybody? No, Dom. Don't do it, Dom. No, don't do it. No. This might be a little bit of a reach. What's going on? All right. Come on up here.

Come up here. Wow. This chick looks cute, dude. This is how we avoid a Lex Luthor situation. Come on. Oh, shit. Just so you know. There's two of them. Oh, shit. Just so you know, just so you know,

cancer is contagious. I do believe that Mr. Clean is very clean. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, dude. Looks like we did it again, ladies and gentlemen. This is a... Ladies and gentlemen, this is a...

What's your name? Carly. Carly and? Laura. Carly and Laura, ladies and gentlemen. This guy... Both of their boyfriends are in the audience right now. Luckily, you don't have to worry about these guys pulling your hair out after this.

So here we go. His first ever Los Angeles kiss. It is a double kiss with two beautiful blonde girls. Here they are. Lauren Carly, everybody. Go on. Jump in there. Triple kiss! Wow, they are as dumb as they look. What's that?

That's the worst kiss we've ever had in the history of this show. How many of you guys think these two girls should stick their tongues in this guy's mouth? Who thinks? Here they are. Laura and Carly for a little round two. Tommy, show us those vampire teeth, pal. Let's see Mr. Clean get dirty.

Yeah. That was also Chroma Chris. All right, ladies, just do something here. This is it. You'd think I asked them what five divided by three was right now. Cheese. Cheese. Whoa. Look at that.

Oh, this one must have an abusive boyfriend. She's not eager to do it at all. Lights up. Here we go. And one more kiss coming at you. There you go. Yes. Thank you, ladies. There you go. Yes! Thank you, ladies.

There you go. Perhaps the rapiest edition of First Kiss here on Kill Tony. That was like an Instagram filter. How about a big hand for Laura and Carly

and their boyfriends out there? Team players. Nothing but respect. That's cool as fuck. That's the Kill Tony fan base, willing to literally do anything. How do you feel right now?

You have even more color to your face than you had before. This is shocking. I'm feeling good, thank you. Hey, look at that. He's got a little skip in his step. He might even start believing in God after this, everybody. Maybe. My mom would love that, actually.

Really? Oh, yeah. She's a big Catholic one. Oh. Oh, interesting. Well yeah well tell her that you just made out with two sluts here on No I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'll wait a few hours for that

time difference though. I love it. Where's your mom at? New York. Oh okay cool. Well everyone's proud of you tonight Tommy. You came up here. You did it. You got through it. Five years in the game. Your first LA kiss. Ride that momentum. Ride that through it. Five years in the game. Your first L.A. kiss. Ride that momentum. Ride that wave, buddy.

How about a big hand for Tommy Carol Ann, everybody? Tommy, 12 totes. Tommy, one, two totes. All right, all right, all right. Very good. We ain't in the billy room anymore, pal. That's right. It's chaos, right?

How about a hand for Dom Irer and Dan Soder hanging out with us? It boggles my mind that I get to work with my favorite comedians on this show every Monday. If I may. My mom is here. She's a huge Golden Girls fan. Dom, you were on the Golden Girls multiple times.

Is there any awesome stories you could tell us about being on the Golden Girls? Wow, look at that. I got like better on a Monday night to slow the place even more down. Yeah, Joel, that's a crazy question. When are you going to introduce Dom to your mother after the show?

You know what? I'm willing to do that. They have a little heart to heart. I didn't realize the wizard had the same drinking problem as Bill Billingsley. Ah! We have another regular hard. I didn't realize the wizard had the same drinking problem as Bill Billingsley. Ah! We have another regular on this show, ladies and gentlemen. Another absolute fucking assassin. Boggles my mind how good

these guys can write brand new minutes every single week. This guy is unbelievable. Ladies and gentlemen, the incredible stand-up comedy and during his interview, of course, roasting stylings of the great David Lucas everybody here he is one of the greatest

regulars in the history of the show ladies and gentlemen David Lucas everybody I uh I hate when girls think I don't like doggy style, but the truth is I just got bad knees. I can't be in that compromising position for a long guy's time, you know what I'm saying? If you fuck with me, do not complain about being on top. Like, do you trust me over you in the missionary position? Look at these arms. I can only do three to five push-ups.

You let me know how you want to play with your life. In order for me to do missionary with you, you're going to have to sign a fucking waiver. I agreed to let this 300-pound nigga hover over me and potentially drop sweat in my eye for the next 10 to 15 minutes. There it is.

Exactly a minute. David Lucas at it again. Exactly a minute. David Lucas, at it again. Yeah. Absolutely. Tony, you look like a bag of spicy Doritos. Oh, my goodness. All right. I'm surprised you even go near Doritos, right?

What? Is that one of your things? What? Doritos? Doritos? You look like Rey Myster that one of your things? What? Doritos? You look like Rey Mysterio. Thank you. Y'all ain't put this nigga in a museum yet?

God damn. Oh, my goodness. You're coming out with all your prepared stuff. What's up, buddy? Don't talk too loud. We want you to pass out in this motherfucker. Oh, my goodness, David. What's up, man? Dom, please do not say the N-word right now.

My goodness, David. What's up, man? Dom, please do not say the N-word right now. You've knocked out a lot of the bucket list of words here tonight. That's my guy, man. I see him in the hallways. We be chatting. Oh, so he can call you the N-word? Hell no.

The fuck, nigga? I have my fucking bubble jump on this nigga. No, if he does that. What's up, Dom? You good, though? If he's not going to... I thought we were only supposed to do this with comedians. No, come on, Dom.

No, he's a comedian. That shit didn't work last time, either. No, David. You about to film Grumpy or Old Man 3. No, come on. No, Dom. Well, in the 2000s, we do this thing called roasting. David, David, David, David, David.

Your black magic is not working on Dom Moreira. I'll fuck that. Remember this, David. You're the one up here dancing for us. Oh, my goodness. Dom, Dom, Dom. No, it's okay. It's okay.

It's all right, man. He's still thinking in the 1800s. He's got you. Are you mostly a writer? Okay, all right, guys. All right. We are coming down with the case of the Michael Bisping's here live on this episode.

Kill Tony. I understand people from his generation. No, David, stop saying things like that. David makes fun of all the guests. He's been notorious. He knows this. He's been there before. Maybe he don't remember. David, stop that. David, stop what you're doing right now. Did you take your fish oil today?

David. Jesus Christ. He don't remember, bro. What about Dan? You have anything for Dan Soder, David Lucas? That nigga look like Adam Sandler's son. Thank you. I fucking love it. I love getting roasted by a guy wearing moving blanket.

Look at that. By the way, you guys probably couldn't see on your camera angle, but when Soder just fist bumped him, the blubber around David Lucas did its own wave like that to the other side of his arm. Get your ass out of here looking like a black history bucket of Church's Chicken. All right, yeah. KFC, I mean. Yeah. That red pinstripe, nigga.

That shit. Getting your chickens confused, bro? Right, bro. I should have said. I'm jet lagged, bro. I've been on a plane for seven hours. What airline did you fly? Jet Black?

No, nigga. Alaska. You look like you fly Newport Airlines. Is that where you learned what Doritos were on your big flight? What's your favorite airline? What's it like being a pressurized cabin inside of a pressurized cabin? Oh, shit.

Here we go. Goddamn stewardess Tony in this bitch. Of course. David doesn't even have to press the button on the side of the airline seat to extend back four inches. He just leans back. Just collapses. Oh, Redman, you trying to add in two motherfuckers?

Oh. Hey. Look at this. Looking like a drunk caveman. All right. Let me ask you this. You an aisle seat, window seat, or do you just fuck the world and go right to that middle seat? I only do priority, dog.

Really? If I can't afford first class, I do priority. So priority, you have extended leg room? Yeah. Window or aisle then? Window, nigga. Window. Yeah.

You don't get up and pee or anything like that? Hell yeah. Everybody got to get the fuck up. Oh my God. Bitch. But the thing is, if you sit on my row, I buy everybody drinks. So it's all good. Is that true?

Yeah. Every flight true? Yeah. Every flight? Every flight. Because I know I snore. I know I'm going to fucking be getting up. So I'm like, hey, man, I got y'all drinks. You buy everybody a drink, and then what? You ask them to buy you meals?

Do you sleep a lot on flights? It depends. It depends. Has anyone ever woken you up? Nah, they know better. Yeah, it's like waking up a fucking grizzly bear. My goodness. So where were you?

You were in Toronto? I flew into Toronto, but I was in Hamilton. And then from Hamilton, I went to New York. So I did six shows in four days. Oh, great. Heck yeah. Yeah. And L.A. comics are better than New York

comics because every LA comic on the show smash harder than the New York comics in New York it was me Steve Fury and Keith Carey yeah but who are the New York comics I don't know oh shit Dan Soder can't go against fucking JV you from New York yeah oh okay that's

I see I couldn't live in New York it It's too fucking cold, bro. Black people don't fuck with cold like that. Even for you? There's a ton of black people in New York. What the fuck? It's not Vermont. Yeah, bro. They don't fuck with it, though.

I don't. Let me say, I'm a tropical black person. I like the hot. Tropical black person. Tropical. Is that your favorite fruit punch? What the hot. Tropical black person? Tropical? Is that your favorite fruit punch? What the fuck are we talking about here? You must have got a back tattoo that say tropical. Oh, I see what you did there. Way too

much walking in New York, am I right? Hey, Uber's high as hell like that bitch. Is it? Three miles for like $40. Yeah, they charge by the pound. That's why I know. New thing they're doing. Three miles for like $40. Yeah, they charge by the pound. That's why. What do you guys say, Grandpa?

No, you better stop it. You are being disrespectful to the wizard of Kill Tony Dommager. You're right about that. Gandalf the Great. Okay. All right. Take your mouth. Oh, y'all wizards.

That's why. Oh, look at us. Wow. Yes. Brilliant. Harry Potter or what? Do not bring up Gandalf's name in your mouth ever again. I have a trick up my sleeve for you to cool down. Here you go.

That is a disrespect. A melted twigs bar. She pulled that out of her armpit. It's hot chocolate. At this point. You got to put that hoe in the freezer, nigga. It's been in there for 3,000 years. That shit melted as fuck.

Keep giving him snacks. It's taking his eyes off of Dom for a little while. My goodness gracious. Great balls of fire. Hell yeah, bro. What you got into this week, Tony? Are you asking me what I got into?

I'm interviewing your ass. This week, I was in town. I did spots every single night here at the Comedy Store and at every other club. The Hollywood Improv, the Laugh Factory the Ice House Look at that. Can't wait to be like you, bro Yeah, no, I Good luck with the weight loss part of that

Anyway You have any history with wizards like these guys? Are you a fan of anything? I fuck with Harry Potter and shit You do? And what's the other one? Lord of the Rings Lord of the Wings these guys? Are you a fan of anything? I fuck with Harry Potter and shit. You do? What's the other one? Lord of the Rings? Lord of the Wings?

I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming. You're very glad I'm tired, motherfucker. I don't feel like this shit. You're tired? Yes, nigga. I'm exhausted. Oh my goodness. What's different than usual here? Well, there you go. I mean, absolutely unbelievable from beginning to end. Again, always entertaining,

always refillable, always a brand new minute from David Lucas, everybody. There he goes. David Lucas, back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there? How many of you Lego Wing comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. Okay, make some noise for your next comedian. John Conroy, everybody. John Conroy. Lucky Corner, maybe? Is that John? Conroy, everybody. John Conroy. Lucky Corner, maybe? Is that John

Conroy? Here we go. John Conroy. Melissa, you got a guy coming in right behind you here. Look out there. Here we go. How about a hand for the amazing Wait Seth here at the Comedy Store?

And here he is. John Conroy, everybody. I read that Sesame Street now has an autistic Muppet, which that is crazy, right? I didn't even know that they were vaccinating Muppets. Man, that Muppet world really keeps up with the regular world, huh?

Also, how is the count not autistic? That's what I thought autism was this whole time. What I thought autism was this whole time. I'm one of them Bernie bros myself. Yeah, all right. Is this a Republican podcast? What's happening? Like on Saturday nights, I like to drink fireball whiskey and fuck chicks. But then on Tuesdays, I vote for universal health care.

Just a bro like that, you know? I'm just a bro. Like raw dog and sluts and I think bankers should be held accountable. Yeah. John Conroy, ladies and gentlemen. A real comedian.

Jokes. You're doing it, dude. Fuck yeah. Best set of the night, says Dom Ivera. That was great. Absolutely. He really is like if South Boston was a person. It's incredible. He's also

like if David Lucas was a white guy. The last guy is big. Welcome, John. You're from Boston? No, D.C. D.C. And how long have you been doing stand-up? 13 years. 13 years. Absolutely. It fucking shows in every single way. We love it when actual

people that are comedy veterans and know what they're doing sign up for the show, get on this show. It's a great way to get exposure and whatnot. Yeah, thanks for having me. You're in it, of course. So 13, 12 years, what did you say? 13 years.

13 years. And you started in D.C.? You've lived in D.C.? No, I'm kind of a comedy mutt. I've been everywhere. I was in Minneapolis for six years, New York for a couple years, and now I'm getting set to move out here.

I love it. When are you going to move out here? May. May. If the state of Maryland allows? What I love it. When are you going to move out here? May. May. If the state of Maryland allows. What do you mean? What do you have to do? You have to get a probation or something like that?

Yeah, pretty much. Really? For what? What happened? DUI. Oh, okay. How many DUIs? Do you have the thing? Well, I haven't been convicted of any.

All right. But probation until May. You don't have to start your car by blowing it in. No, no. Not for three months now. So how do you get around since you have a DUI? Are you one of those guys that... I've still got my license.

It's not that grim. There was a moment where I was picturing how adorable it would be, you on a bicycle going around Washington, D.C., just everybody beeping like, me, me, me, good job, buddy, keep it up. There's still time to go. Just like that. So awesome. When you got the DU go. Just like that. So awesome.

When you got the DUI, how drunk were you? 0.13. It was 1 o'clock in the afternoon. Whoa. Jesus. Yeah. Look at you. What a gym move.

Yeah, pulling a Jim Felix on us. Must have been the day that you were going to start stand-up comedy, huh? 1 p.m. So what happened that day? What was that? I woke up. I had tied one on the night before. Yeah, I don't know.

I had a bad one with a girlfriend fight. And then relapsed pretty hard. And yeah, it was one of those. Relapse. So you've been sober for a while? I had. And I have again now. So that was like you're leaving Las Vegas.

Hopefully. We don't make that. Jim was more fun. I'm just kidding. Jim was still drinking. It's so interesting to me that you were that drunk at 1pm. Do you remember anything about the DUI itself?

Do you remember the moment where you were fucked? I just just that it was probably a poor choice to go to the liquor store that early after drinking that much the night before. Right. What did you end up getting? Do you remember? What did I end up

getting? Did you get a bottle of Amaretto or anything? Uh No, I'm a natty ice man. Or natty daddy at this point. What did I end up getting? Did you get a bottle of Amaretto or anything? No, I'm a Natty Ice man. Or Natty Daddy at this point. Wow, how many Natty Ices do you have to drink to get to.13? I'd been sober for so long and I saw those new Natty Daddies and I was like, if I don't ever get to taste one of those... That's what brought you back?

No. Natty Daddies? No. Though daddies? No. Though it might again. My goodness. Jesus Christ. So, John. I have a DUI.

It's fucking horrible. Sure. You did? The cop, I thought they were going to let me go. He says, I got to tell you, I'm a big fan of yours. I said, well, apparently not big enough. It was fucking horrible. I mean, I was such, I didn't realize what a pussy I was

when they put me in jail. Like in 20 minutes, I just start ratting at my friends. Get me the fuck out of here. It's horrible, isn't it? Yes. Yeah. Did you have to go to jail as well?

Briefly, about six hours. Wow. How many times did you get raped in the six hours? Solitary. They could tell I wouldn't have lasted in Jan Popper. Right. So, John, any other fun facts about you?

Any fun hobbies or anything like that? Any specialties? Pretty much stand-up comedy. Just that? Yeah. What else do you do? How about for a job? I just started working for Postmates again.

Postmates? Yeah. Ordering it? I've been... That's pretty good. I was in the main room on Saturday. You got me with the Chumlee reference. I don't know if you remember that.

You were here? Yeah. We were watching Don Barris close the... Oh, that's right. Yeah. That's the original room. This is the main room. that's right. Yeah, that's the original room. This is the main room. I'm sorry.

No, it's all good, but you had me confused there because I was performing in the main room and then I was just playing with Don. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to slight you a credit. No, no, it's all good. No, it doesn't matter. You have to know the club really well to see why that would be confusing.

But again, it doesn't matter. We're digging ourselves a deeper hole here. But yeah, that was fun. Was that the first time you've gotten to hang out late night with a guy like Don Barris yes yeah I was here with him until I believe 3 15 a.m. last night last night yes just absolutely having the time of our lives

it is unbelievable what goes on here in the extreme late hours of the night at the comedy store and I'll say it an unbelievable performance last week on Don Barris' debut episode of Kill Tony. And having the big three here. So much incredible feedback from fans of the show that went and watched the movie. Over 100,000 people at least. I'm still convinced that number is a little bit on the low side. But went and saw the movie and everybody was pleased

So exciting stuff. What's your favorite comedy movie of all time John? Killing them softly Wait favorite stand-up special or favorite movie Favorite movie you said stand-up movie. I'm sorry you want movie movie. Oh I didn't fucking say stand-up movie you I'm sorry. You want movie? Comedy movie. Oh. I didn't fucking say stand-up movie, you son of a bitch. I'd probably... Tell me what I said. I'd probably go with Blues Brothers.

Blues Brothers. Hell yeah. Alright, well... You're out of control right now. You should cool down with these cool Doritos. Hey, look at this. This wizard can make things... Here comes some more body- hot food. Hell yeah.

Absolutely. All right, John, well, we're looking forward to your return in May. Thank you so much for coming up here. People said they don't like it when people do good, but they seem to like you just fine. John Conroy. Yeah. Yeah.

John Conroy. Yep. This is perhaps definitely becoming my favorite part of the show right here, right now. Before we go back to the bucket, we have a third regular, of course. Ladies and gentlemen, I mean, every single week since his start 11 weeks ago on this show. He's absolutely blown our minds. It's extremely exciting to watch a brand new minute every single week. From the comedy stylings of the one and only Michael Lehrer, everybody,

here we go. Here we go. I'm not sick. The devil just slowed down my speech, so none of you peasants miss a word. ALS ain't shit. It's mostly your friends and family who suffer and I love that I don't even consider myself disabled round of applause

cover me round of applause cover your hero I'm a hero. Cover me. I consider myself retarded. Cover your retarded hero. Cover your retard king. I am the retarded King. And for all of you saying this is an act, shame, shame, shame. This is not an act. This is an exaggeration. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen. One of my favorite things is that serious face he does right before he starts laughing on the show every week. Michael, are you okay? I'm just excited Joe Burns' mom's here.

Oh, yeah? Why is that? What are you guys going to do? Not like everybody Oh I thought you guys were going to I thought you guys were going to have like a wheelchair race Or something like that I don't know man we'll see but I guarantee I'll

Fly on a ticket Pink slip I think this is a good idea Too fast. Too curious. I want to know what would happen. I say we push them both down the top of La Cienega after the show and see. Let's see which one lands on Melrose first.

Yeah, you know about velocity when it comes to lubricants. Whoa. Lufacans? Lubricants. Lubricants, yes. All right, let me change my... Lubricants, yes. All right, let me change my... What?

David Dewey gave me a crossbow. Fuck this, man. A crossbow. You gotta be kidding me. Thank you. Oh, there you go. Chromacris tangling it up even more. What an evil trick.

Yeah, looking like Alf over here. There you go. So Michael Lair, very exciting stuff. Another killer minute. Now, fun fact that I found out before the show is that Dan Soder was here 11 weeks ago. The first ever time or 12 weeks ago. 12 weeks ago, you invited me here or 12 weeks ago. 12 weeks ago, you invited me here one week. What happened?

You fucking took over, dude. You made a goddamn position for yourself weekly on this show that people undeniably love. And next week, I'll make sure you can all understand me. Why do you think it...

What's the problem this week? The fucking crossbow. Fucking David Dreary, man. David Dreary. My goodness. So what do you guys think of Michael Lair's performance tonight? I'll fuck it. It's weird.

He's almost done like a full heel turn. I like where he's at as a character on stage. Yeah, it really is. It's really something for a guy. Clapping your retarded hero might be one of the hardest I've laughed. Yeah, it really is a heel turn. He said that he speaks slower so that these peasants can understand him. He looks like an alt-right blogger.

Yeah, he does. Hold on. I'm still in my interview. Hold on. Good talking to the microphone. I'm still in my interview, but Joel Brick has something he really wants. No. No, Joel, give the microphone back to Michael Lair.

This got weirder than I ever thought it would get. All right, back to you. How'd you end up with the microphone? Give it to Michael Lair. What the fuck? I'm in a bad mood, all right? I got in parking lot road rage before I came here. The dude's probably in here.

And I put my whole body out the window. And I'm like, hey, man, any problem here? I'm like, oh, you look cute. I was so mad. I was ready to find him. And then he was paying for parking. And I rolled down my chair real fast so I'm like hey man things are cool man things are cool wow Jesus this was all over a handicapped spot no there's never

any left cause one a fucking open biker who's in this room probably has a fake handicap plan. Whoa, is this true? Is there anyone? Whoa, scandal. Is there anyone

that wants to fess up to this? Is there a comedian here with a handicap? I know who you are, motherfucker. Do you really? Oh, shit. Yeah. Come clean, you fucking dirtbag. Hey, and look, I don't believe in Come clean you fucking dirtbag And look I don't believe in

Discrimination or Stereotyping But this comic is really Fulfilling our meaning In stereotypes Weird to make it racial at the end there Michael What Dan You wanna fuck with me now No way man Weird to make it racial at the end there, Michael. What, Dan? You want to fuck with me now?

No way, man. Whoa. Not the way you're dressed like a startup CEO. Yeah. Yeah. I love you, I'm Billion. I love you. Michael, you've won me back over.

My goodness. Do you really know me back over. My goodness. Do you really know who the comedian is? Yeah. What do they look like? They look like an Armenian. All right, here we go. Here we go. All right, well, that narrows it down.

Can you spin that spotlight over there towards the comedians? Let's see what we got over here. Whoa, what is it? Oh, no, what are we going to do with all these gold necklaces? Wait a second. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop it right there. What's that guy in the white sweatshirt there with the dots?

Is that him, Michael? I'm looking at a dead man. Oh! Holy shit, sir. I can't believe that this Armenian parks his Maserati with a handicap placard in the one spot. My goodness gracious. Wrong dude. Wrong guy.

Wrong guy. Michael, let me ask you something. What would you do if you were able to get your hands on that guy? What would be your attack method? Well, you know, since I've gotten sick, I want to kill everybody. So, fair, fair. But I read Chicago Smile. Chicago Smile?

Yeah, you familiar? No, yeah, tell me. I learned about it from American History X, our earlier reference in the show. Wait, you're going to put the guy, is that a curb stomp? Yeah. And what do you do? You put their mouth on the curb and then you roll over it with your wheelchair?

What a great... I don't know. That's the band. Have you ever done that to anyone before? I feel like that would hurt you more than it hurts them, actually. I feel like you'd probably... Oh, I can promise you that I feel like you'd probably... Oh, I can promise you that

I feel no more pain. Fun. Dom Ibera, this is your first time seeing the comedy stylings of Michael Lair. He's got over 20 years of Chicago improv

training, Second City, Black Belt over here. Recently, a couple years ago, diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease and has been doing stand-up comedy for only five or six months. Six months? Let's say, look at the... June 25th, I entered Healing Buffalo's Funniest Person Contest. Wow. Have you ever done the Bay Area Black Comedian Contest?

Yeah. Yeah, the Babco. this. Wow. Have you ever done the Bay Area Black Comedian Contest? Yeah. Yeah. The Babcock. They'll bust a handicap in your ass. They will. Oh. You know what? You know what, Tony? Oh, because it's both a

black and a handicap joke. We have to make a noise because we don't know what to do. Tony. Tony, you know what, though? Like, I like festivals like that that celebrate diversity because I left Second City just another Jewish devil.

And now, look at me. I'm Hollywood's face of diversity. It's true. It's absolutely true. Absolutely true. I didn't get to check in with Dom. This is your first time seeing Michael Lair, correct? I was on a Seinfeld episode.

I was also in the movie Raging Bull. No, it's amazing. I don't know. I mean, it's a very awkward thing. It's incredible. God bless him for his courage and all, but it's... I'm't know. I mean, it's a very awkward thing. It's incredible. God bless him for his courage and all, but it's... I'm right here. I appreciate it.

That was your intro. I was doing your intro. I'm Daniel Day-Lewis. My left foot. All right. I can't imagine. Michael, I'm trying to think of you at full speed. You'd be a problem.

Dude. There's a reason God slowed you down. Hey. This guy. This guy's a wild child. Oh, yeah. Dude, I was the biggest cunt at Second City. Woo!

Yeah, for sure. Do you believe that? Do you really think that in some weird way do you feel like there's sort of like a karmic energy that happened to you? Oh, okay, I'm sorry. You just said you were the biggest cunt at Second City. I'm humbled by disease, you fucking moron.

He simply just doesn't get any better than that. Michael, why don't you stay on stage? We're going to keep it rolling here. No shit. Ladies and gentlemen, the great Michael Lehrer, everybody. What do you guys think? Should we go to this bucket one more time, huh? Guys, it's President's Day.

Should we go to the bucket one more time? Thank you, Tony. Oh, President Trump. What was that? Thank you, Tony. Oh, you're welcome, Mr. President. That's very nice of you to... President Trump always likes it when we go to the bucket one last time. In this booming economy, why wouldn't you?

I just pulled another name out of the bucket. This is it. Your final comedian of the night, it appears, if they're here, so don't leave too fast, other comedians, goes by the name of Tiege Dooley Panko. Is that a triple name? Tiege?

Tiege. T-I-E-G-E. We have a round of applause coming from the lobby. And is someone coming? Here we go. What? Stop, stop, stop, band stop. What? It says Dooley or Pooley Panko.

Is your first name T-Edge? What the fuck? The last name got confused? Is that T-Edge Dooley Panko right there? Is that you? Yeah, walk up here. There you go. T- T edge Dooley Pankow right there is that you yeah walk up here there you go T edge Dooley Pankow is that you there she comes here we go one more time for your final comedian of

the night T edge Dooley Pankulee Panko, everybody. Thank you. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. My name is Teague. My whole life, my parents told me my name was Irish. And then I went to Ireland and they were like, no, we don't know that one.

Yeah, it's tough. I lie about my name at Starbucks because it's confusing. So I just say my name is Stacey. Because I feel like they're so bad with names at Starbucks anyways that when I say Stacey, there's still like a 42% chance that the cup could come back and say Teague. Cool. Thank you, guys. Yeah, no, I do realize that I'm into a very specific type of guy recently when I'm dating.

Um, he's this tall, he's got dark hair, and he's got this thing about him that is so cute. Uh, it gets me excited talking about it. He's, um, he's not interested in me. He wants nothing to do with me. Uh, for some reason, that's just what I'm into right now. I really like guys who don't like me. So if a guy's really nice and, nice and takes me out and gets me flowers, ew.

I don't know. I'm just really attracted recently to disrespect. Thank you. There you go. Teague Dooley Panko, everybody. Teague, welcome, Teague. Thank you. Thank you.

I appreciate it. Hi, Teague. How are you? Teague Dooley Panko. Am I saying that right? Yes, you are. Okay. Awesome.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Like a year or two-ish. A year. All of it here in Los Angeles? Yeah, for the most part. For the most part. You travel sometimes. Kind of, but not like paid, you know?

Right, right. No, I know you're not getting paid. Thank you. You're welcome. So Teague, tell us about your life. What made you start stand-up a year ago? I want to... I'm trying to write for TV, so that's

why I started writing some jokes. What do you want to write for TV? What type of things? 30-minute comedies. 30-minute comedies. My bag, yeah. Like a scripted, like a sitcom-style show. Yeah, scripted stuff is what I'm into.

Like what would be your dream job to get a staff writing job? What show would be your dream right now? Right now, I love Atlanta. I love Atlanta. It's really great. Insecure is great. Yeah, those are probably my two favorites. I'd like to give her a staff writing job.

Great. That'd be great. Time's up, wizard. Gorlock the Warlock has something he wants to say. She looks like she could write for anything on Fox News. Hey. Very good, Gorlock.

I appreciate that. Teague, I want you to talk to Cheryl and get a real nice life figured out. Yeah. Get a spouse in Minnesota. Mm-hmm. Cheryl, the soccer mom. So, Teague, tell us more about you.

What do you like to do for fun? What are you into? Any fun hobbies or anything like that? Yeah, older men, anything like that? I dance professionally. Oh, yes. Really, you do? Oh, well, like that? I dance professionally. Really, you do? Oh, well, then that only means one thing. We can kill two birds with one stone right here.

There's a young lady. Feel the rhythm. This is what we call a little bookend here. Our first comedian tonight was a little bit shy up here, and maybe she could use your help. You guys can have a dance off together. How about a big return for the liquored up Devorah Caslan

everybody! This is it. Tony, is this the first ever Kill Tony dance off? Yes it is. It certainly is. This is very exciting. This is exciting stuff right now.

I just want to clarify, I'm not performing for the male gaze right now. Hell yeah. Take that, patriarchy. Keep it in your pants, boys. And, you know, ladies and gentlemen, the first ever dance-off in the history of the show. Kazlan, how are you feeling? Or, Devorah, how are you feeling right now?

You have a little bit more... Talking to the microphone, you have a little bit more alcohol in your system. How do you feel? A little bit, still very nervous. And then you, Teague, are you going to help her out through this thing? Are you going to lead the way a little bit?

For sure. For sure. And then we have Viagra wants to say something. I just can't wait to see this prince and princess dance. Oh, come on. Viagra. I'm so turned on right now. All right.

Wow. Oh right. Wow. Oh, my goodness. There you go. There you go. They're having a little talk for a second here. This is very exciting. This is...

For your audio listeners, they're touching right now and it's very nice. They're whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears. There you go. Thank you, Viagagor this is exciting we have Kellyanne Conway consulting with

Rudy Giuliani right now about about the next move that the big Republican party is going to make here Roseanne and Darlene are hitting it off right now oh shit oh

whoa Oh, shit. Oh. Whoa! That's it? Wait, that's it? That's it. Jesus. Teague, you're not good at anything. I'm just kidding.

I'm kidding, Teague. We're just joking around. Tony. Yes. I want money. You're going to dance off? What? Is that shit?

Michael Lair. Can we get a camera on Michael Lair? Switch. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh, he's doing it. He's definitely got it. Bumping and grinding is also what it's like when he tries to get out of his car i love it i love it you're such a fucking whore hey

hey how about a big hand for devora casland deke dulyank, Teeg Dooleypanko. Thank you, Devorah. That was awesome. You're great. Great team player. Thank you. Here comes the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt while you sat there doing less than nothing enjoying yourselves. Ryan J. was hard at work drawing tonight's episode like he does every single week.

Here it is. Look at that. Incredible. You're about to see that on the camera over there. Guys, we did it again. How about a big hand for the great Dom Irera, everybody? Bananas in New Jersey. Kilkenny in Ireland. DomIrera.com. How loud can this place get for the great Dan Soder, huh?

Sirius XM, The Bonfire with our brother from another mother, Big Jay Oakerson, and of course, brand new on HBO, Son of a Gary. So much great stuff going on over at HBO. There's no one I could be happier to be representing straight white males

in comedy at HBO than Dan Soder. A guy who when we hung out, we had so much fun in Chicago. We were both doing Chicago one time. I told everybody, you had me laughing so hard that day that I almost puked multiple times. We were having some deep dish with the old wizards.

Absolutely. You're so fun, so funny. I'm so happy for you from the bottom of my heart. Absolutely. Dan Soder, everybody, and Dom Ivera. A lot of stuff happening. How about a hand for the great Jeremiah Watkins, everybody, and Dom Ivera. A lot of stuff happening. How about a hand for the great Jeremiah Watkins, everybody? Albany, New York, San Antonio, Texas, Huntington Beach, Sacramento. He's not going to be able to make it to both the Boston or the Swansea shows. However, he will be with us for our first ever Miami Kill, Tony,

that we just announced earlier today for the first week of April. Is there anything I'm missing, Jeremiah? Perhaps a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders? Yeah, with a gray block pizza. And subscribe to my YouTube at youtube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins. And Jeremiah, stand up on Instagram. I love you all. Hey, how about a hand for

Tony and Tinchcliffe, everybody? Thank you, Don. Thank you. I actually want to give a special shout out. You might recognize this guy as a very special friend and special guest to the show, both on episodes 100 and the five-year episode, One of Our Favorite Humans in the World.

The great Bruce Buffers here, everybody! Wow! What's up, Bruce? Say hi to these people. You know what? I was next door. I hear Tony Hitchcliffe is here, and all I can say is, it's time for Tony!

Yeah! He's the best. The voice of the UFC and an all around fucking great hilarious awesome human being the great Bruce Buffer everybody Bruce stay up here we're going to get a big group picture here in a second stay up here with us guys make some noise the unbelievable comedy stylings of the great

Jesse Johnson everyone Jesse's going to be filling in for Jeremiah stylings of the great Jesse Johnson, everyone. Jesse's going to be filling in for Jeremiah for some of these road dates coming up. We're super excited about it. She's joining us for the first time ever on the road. She is Jetski Johnson on all social media.

Anything else, Jesse? No, thank you so much for having me. Thank you. And we have the great Orange Amplifiers very own, the great Chroma Chris over there, everyone. He was Gorlock the Warlock tonight. What did you think of tonight's episode? It was wonderful. Oh, wow.

Wow, just as good as it gets. Yep, all the time, 100%. Also, shout out to G&L Guitars. Hell yeah. And Ernie Ball. Thank you. Oh, your mustache is in your mouth right now,

Gorlock. Fuck yeah, guys. And the Backbone, everyone. How about one more time for the great Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody.

Unbelievable. His mother was here tonight. So exciting. Joel's mostly sorry. He's an official Ludwig artist. Anything else, Joel? I love you guys. Bye.

There you go. And Jeremiah. Do you think this audience could do a Momberg chant tonight? Oh, wow. Look at that. Momberg. There you go. They almost did it. These people are ready to go. But you. There you go. They almost did it.

These people are ready to go, but you know what's up. So much stuff happening. We're in Vancouver at the end of this week. Venus, DeMilo, and Swansea after that. La Jolla, Tacoma, Skankfest South, Miami, Boston, and Austin, Texas. We're going to be at Moon Tower at the end of April. Special shout-outs to Caveman Coffee, Vito's Pizza, and all of our amazing sponsors here at Kill Tony.

And that includes, of course, ZipRecruiter and 4Hims.com. Use the promo code KILLTONY at both of those sites. Red Band? Rest in peace, Amy. There you go. Indeed, rest in peace to the Amy Harwick. Dr. Amy Harwick. There you go.

All right. Next week, Tim Dillon joins us live on Kill Tony, the return of the great Tim Dillon. Thank you, live audience, for coming out. Have a good night. We're going to take one big group picture.ご視聴ありがとうございました Thanks for watching!