KILL TONY - KILL TONY #438

Episode Date: February 28, 2020

Tim Dillon, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, David Deery, Brandon Thompson, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 02/24/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Starbucks. Welcome back winter with a Starbucks drink in hand. Whether you've been waiting for a pistachio latte and pistachio cream cold brew, or are in the mood to shake things up with the new Iced Hazelnut O'Shaken Espresso. Need to cozy up with a tea latte? There should be nothing stopping you from achieving all your goals. You've got this. Think about something you're good at.

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Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack. Only at CUDO. Conditions apply. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.TV, for everything Kill Tony, including past episodes of the show, video portions, and if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live.

Not only do we record every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California, but we are on the road all the time. So if you click on tour dates, you can see that we're in Vancouver, Swansea, La Jolla, Ventura, Washington, Boston, Austin, a bunch of dates. Click on tour dates at DeathSquad.tvtv. Also check out Tony's website, Tony Hinchcliffe.com. There you have everything golden pony, including his standup dates. So go to Tony Hinchcliffe.com and Ryan J Ebelt.

He's the house artist. He draws every single episode of kill Tony. You can check out his website, Ryan J Ebelt.com. He has posters prints. He even has the kill Tony book there. So check out Ryan J Ebelt.com and last but not least shopelt.com. He has posters, prints. He even has the Kill Tony book there. So check out RyanJEBelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. There you have the official Kill Tony t-shirt, including Death Squad hats and shirts and mugs. Go to ShopSquad.tv, the official merchandise of Kill Tony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store main room

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up and get it! It's clear. Fuck yes! Ladies and gentlemen, we are live. Hey, look, it's Brian Redman, everybody. Come on! You guys excited to be here?

This is the number one live podcast in the world, everybody! Fuck yeah. Hey, look, the great Ryan J. Ebelt is here drawing tonight's episode. How exciting. Every episode, he draws the episode. While you all sit there doing nothing, he has a big blank sheet of paper,

and he draws everything and mixes it in. We just took a bunch of his posters with us to beautiful Vancouver, Canada. Shout out to Vancouver. Sold out our largest ever venue ever. 1,300-seat massive theater in Vancouver, the Vogue Theater. Props to you, Vancouver.

And then this week we go to Venus de Milo, Kill Tony East number two, right between Providence and Boston. Real exciting stuff. I think there's a few tickets left for that. I'm also headlining a standup show there with guest spots from all your favorite Kill Tony characters that are going to be there.

And La Jolla, I do the weekend, March 5th through the 7th with Kill Tony, two of them on March 8th. I think there's a couple tickets left for the second added Kill Tony there. Then we go to Tacoma, 20th and the 21st. I think the Kill Tony is on the 20th there. Check the website. Skankfest South at the end of March.

Kill Tony Boston, April 9th, with stand-up shows April 10th and 11th. We just added another show to Boston that the other Kill Tonys sold out. And Moon Tower. It appears as though we are doing the last weekend of Moon Tower. There is a slight chance

that that might be adjusted or move stay. Yes, keep a close eye on that Moon Tower date. Shout out to Vito's Pizza feeding us. How many of you have ever eaten at Vito's Pizza before, huh? Highly recommend it. It's down on La Cienega Boulevard. Swing by

Vito's on a Monday on your way up to Keltoni and mention you're a fan of the show. No discount or anything. Just let them know that we sent you so they keep giving us pizza. You know what I'm talking about? Good Hollywood flop. It's great.

Check it out. Absolutely. And I'm all hopped up on delicious Caveman Nitro Coffee. Go to cavemancoffee.com. Use the promo code KILLTONY and save some money. It's amazing stuff.

Keeps me energized. I'll tell you right now, our guest next week, everybody, is going to be Donnell Rawlings, everyone. Oh, wow. A little shout out from the Chappelle Show and other fun things. It's going to be exciting to have him here.

And let's just jump right into tonight's episode, guys. What do you say? We'll read some ads later. But before we do that, here's a word from our sponsor of this episode. This episode is sponsored by Blue Chew. Guys, remember the days when you were always ready to go? Now you can increase your sexual performance and get that extra confidence in bed. Listen up.

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And we're back. Are you guys ready? This is it. Tonight's guest. One of our favorites. You know him. I know him. We all love him.

A fucking monster. A guy that I guarantee you, if not already, will be known as one of the best comedians in the world by everybody in the fucking world. He's got one of the greatest minds on the planet. I absolutely love him. I love him so much, I'm wearing a hoodie that I bought off of his website

because if you're wondering, that's the first time I've ever done that in Kill Tony's history. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the funniest men, one of our favorite guests on Kill Tony. Make some noise for the great Tim Dillon, everybody. Yes, Tim Dillon of the Tim Dillon Show.

Thank you. He's a monster. Thank you. I just bailed that guy who killed Drew Carey's girlfriend out of jail. You did? Yeah, he'll be here in five minutes, and he's got a new minute, and it's hot. So don't worry about it.

He's ready to go. Tim Dillon's going on tour. The cancel your family tour has begun. Tim Dillon comedy.com for tickets. Tim Dillon comedy.com for this amazing hoodie. The I love daddy, Megan McCain. It's a,

it's a fun thing and she has not contacted a lawyer as of yet. So, knock on wood, we'll see what happens. I'm so excited to have you here. We are going to have a fun fucking episode tonight and

let's just jump right into it. There's a band on this show, everybody. Are you guys aware of this? I didn't know. Every single week, they commit to being different characters. Maybe it's a brand new character we've never seen before, like this on Friday in that big sold-out Vancouver show. It was Greta Thunberg and her brother Hansel Thunberg.

Oh, that's awesome. She's a creepy bitch. Oh, you should have seen this version of her. She's an odd woman. Yes, she is. Young, brutal lesbian. Am I correct? Yeah, like an autistic, brutal, just fucking chalky finger duck.

Yeah, for sure. How old is she again? 13 or something? I don't know. Oh, God. Is she? I didn't mean that. Sorry. Anyway. Jesus. Sorry. Rich Wallet or something? I don't know. Oh, God. Is she? I didn't mean that. Sorry.

Anyway. Jesus. Sorry. Rich Wallet. Yeah, I don't know. The band, maybe it's old characters that we've seen before, famous characters like the Milkman or Feminist. Anything can happen.

We don't know what they are. They get ready in a separate dressing room than we do. Let's find out all together what they are tonight when I present to you the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, Jesse Johnson, and Chroma Chris.

Here we go. Whoa! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! My mind is absolutely blown right now. Holy shit. Oh my God, ladies and gentlemen, this is unbelievable.

For the first time ever, the Beatles are here! Oh, man. Oh, I just cannot even believe this. What an action-packed episode already. One of the greatest bands of all time, the Beatles are here. John Lennon,

is that you? Welcome. Hello. Yoko couldn't be here. My apologies. Fuck yeah. Well, nice, John. And who's that next to you? Who's that young man? I'm George Harrison.

And I just got to say we came back from the dead because we're huge Tim Dillon fans. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I think you're communist, and I'm glad you did. And then who's that next to him? The name is Paul Paul McCartney

Oh, you're Paul McCartney? We may sound a bit different tonight But that's because we haven't jammed together in a while Wow You look like Paul McCartney If you grew up with a nuclear teddy bear That's incredible Very exciting And then clearly back here You look like Paul McCartney if you grew up with a nuclear teddy bear. That's incredible.

Very exciting. And then clearly back here we have one of the gay reservoir dogs. I was like, what is... I love that movie. I'm Ringo fucking Starr. Wow, Ringo Starr. How exciting. We got Ringo, Paul, George, and John. That should be pretty easy to remember, though.

The motherfucking Beatles, Tim Dillon, Brian Soundboard, which brings me to this, everybody. It's the bucket of destiny, the thing that will decide exactly how things go tonight. A bunch of comedians signed up before the show. Maybe they're not even comedians yet. Maybe it's someone's first time. They sign up and pull a name out of the bucket.

That means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Wrap it up then or else that noise will happen. Afterwards, we talk with you about your life interview You find out more about you what makes you interesting you guys ready to start this fucking show or what? Guys guys, we're here. It's the Sunset Strip Tim Dillon the Beatles are you guys ready to fucking start kill Tony tonight? Every time that works they go much crazier the second time ready to fucking Starkill Tony tonight? There we go. Edwin thinks it's every time.

Every time that works. They go much crazier the second time. Put your hands together for your first comedian of the night. He goes by the name of Edward Altimus. Edward Altimus. Wow, look at this. He's right there. Yes, it does. Yes, it does turn All good with my love, baby

Just like I need you One more time for Edward Altimus, everybody. Thank you, thank you. Shout out to anyone holding in a fart. I can relate. My entire body feels like it's covered in farts. I'm clenching in all at once. It's tense all over.

Woo! Yeah, I'm used to getting a bad first impression there. Oh man, always been bad at making a good first impression like this. One time when my birth mom put me up for adoption. Instant codependence is a major turnoff though, so I get it. Anyway, I've been, anyways, I've been thinking about something and it turns out rinsing your mouth out with Raid before bed instead of Listerine to keep all those dang spiders from crawling in there while you're asleep isn't very pleasant either. Leaves you with a numb tongue and a bunch of dead spiders around your mouth in the morning. But at least the shock of waking up to daddy long legs on your lips gets you up and at them quicker than coffee.

Speaking of ticklish things on my face, I gotta and at them quicker than coffee. Speaking of ticklish things on my face, I gotta trim my nose hairs more often before they get ticklishly long so people don't think I'm a cokehead. All that wiping and sniffing and, you know, prostituting for drug money. I mean, if anything, they should stage a nasal hygiene

intervention for me. Thank you. I'm Edward Altomus and I'm circumcised when I'm 17. Thank you. Wow. hygiene intervention for me. Thank you. I'm Edward Altomus. Now, Circumstance 117.

Thank you. Wow. Anyone ever tell you you talk like one of those disclaimers at the end of a radio ad? Thank you so much. I'm Edward Altomus. That's the kindest thing

anyone's ever said to me. There you go. Fuck yeah. That's the kindest thing anyone's ever said to you? I don't know. Okay. You just say things

and then react after, I guess. Pretty much. Welcome, Edward. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? On and off since 2016. Nice. As you can see, the very on and off part, though. Not really consistent enough yet, but here we are. Yes, indeed. Here we are. I guess you could say that

anytime. Oh my god. This is unreal. I think you look like Doug Funny, but you are anything but. Thank you. Thank you. Are you going to throw a woman off a balcony later? No, no, no. I think we all thought that.

No, no, no. Guns a-blazing. So let's talk about it. Sorry. Edward, your first joke was about how hard it is for you to hold in farts. Is that because you have a loose asshole? I think it's fairly tight, fairly taut back there. And if you want to inspect it, though, you're more than welcome to.

I'm actually going to have my chief asshole correspondent, Tim Dillon, give it a little look-see there. I see Adderall falling out of it. I got a little look-see there. I see Adderall falling out of it. You seem like you're mid-Adderall overdose when you're on stage. You're just like... It kind of feels like that. I'm actually stone-cold sober. That is wild.

I know. Okay. I know. What was the answer I got out of you for stand-up again? On and off for how long? On and off since 2016. What else are you doing? What are you doing in the off period?

Not a lot, honestly. I mean, there must be some things that you do. Some type of hobbies or something. Yeah, I've been trying to look into getting a new hobby. I tried fire performance for a bit, did fire eating, then tried fire dancing and that didn't go over so well. What happened with the fire eating? You ended up swallowing all the time?

I have no problem with that, no no the fire dancing was really bad though before they let you um like the swallow thing deserved a bigger laugh i'm gonna be honest with you it was a gay joke about eating fire no so during the fire go ahead no it's okay. During the fire dancing classes, are you familiar with the poi balls they use? No one is. Nobody?

Let's just assume that everyone isn't familiar with fire dancing classes because they're not currently on the edge of suicide, as I imagine you are. I imagine, yeah. Been there before, been there before. What, working with flaming balls? I was going to actually get to that.

If anyone's ever been to a luau, they have fire dancers that have balls that are on fire that they kind of spin around and before they let you do that in this class, you have to practice with beanbags and socks. I would just keep accidentally hitting myself in the face with them and knock my glasses off. And well, you kind of beat me to the punch there.

But the last thing I want to do is be hitting myself in the face with flaming balls. Oh, you had that loaded up, prepared. Oh, my goodness. I didn't realize. I never got the note that he's going to do this joke Next time Next time Absolutely

So what do you do for work? I'm in between jobs right now I was considering Trying to move out here But it's I'm from the Bay Area I'm from Oakland And it's like

Just as expensive out here As it is out there So I really have no idea What I'm even doing How are you surviving? I have savings Retirement savings Savings bonds

And then just savings From just my work You have retirement From what I'm even doing at this point. How are you surviving? I have savings, retirement savings, savings bonds, and then just savings from my work. You have retirement from what? Thank God my parents actually thought ahead for me and started me a retirement savings account when I was little. Thank you, mom and dad. Good to be white, you know? Absolutely. Absolutely. Good to be white.

You know it, buddy. You know it. Minorities can't just start fire dancing when they get bored. No, no. This is absolutely a very white pursuit to take on. There's not a lot of black people that can just go play with fire when they get bored of pretending to do stand-up comedy. Thank you. Thanks, Mom and Dad.

This guy's talking about luau's. He's got no fucking job. I knew somebody would understand. Hitting himself in the face with socks. Wow. Retirement fund. How old are you, Edward? 36.

36, and you're already dipping into it? Yeah, it's not looking good. It's not looking good. If you had to guess how much money you've spent out of your retirement fund, give or take a couple thousand, what would you guess? Just honest answer here. We're not judging you. I mean, definitely in the thousands multiple, but we're not going to go any further than that because I don't have money.

His mom and dad are still alive and they'll put a clamp on that, right? Yeah, they'll call a lawyer. That's right. You are absolutely drenched in sweat right now. It's incredible. No, it's okay. Don't start putting things on the table. Relax. I remember when

Pauly was the guest and had to dab someone off. And man, I was really hoping that... Have you been to China lately? What's that? Oh, God. No, no. No coronavirus here.

No, I'm good on that. What about India? No, not yet. Not yet. Maybe someday. It's beautiful. I love it. So, Edward,

what else is interesting about you that you think we should know about you? Anything else? Any fun facts about you? I tried to rush this at the very end, but I was circumcised when I was 17 years old. Wow. Imagine all the foreskin. Wow. Yeah.

I would rather just not have a retirement account, you know, than like some real sick fucking pet. Was that mom and dad that took you in? Oh, it was the most awkward experience ever. I mean, where to begin? I mean, I wrote them a letter because I was too embarrassed to ask them to their faces. This all started because I had a crush on a Jewish girl and I was afraid that if I ever had the opportunity to show her my penis that she would go running because of the foreskin and not because of the excessive perspiration

in everything else. Did she end up ever seeing your penis? No, no. So all that. It was all for naught. It was all for naught. I cut my penis for her.

Wow, proving that bitch is ancient. When you're 17, are you... He was just 17 and you know what I mean. And he got his dick cut way too

late in life. Nice. John Lennon, ladies. What did you do with the tip? Did you keep it? No, he gave it to the Jewish girl. Come on! Hey, Jew.

That would have been the way to go. I wish I had done that. Don't make it bad. The Beatles are out of control tonight. I love this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Help!

So, Edward, you have a boyfriend right now or anything like that? No, no. I mean, is that a proposition? Again, no. Stop hitting on me creepily. I like a man in pink, that's all. Of course.

Thank you. Thank you so much. I bet you do, Edward. So, what's your dating life like? Are you on any of the apps? I actually was addicted to the apps for a time, but no. Last relationship I was in ended last year, and it's just been really not a good sign ever since, as you can see.

How did she die? No, no. She, yeah, it was... I don't even know what to say to that. Yeah. Edward, fun times tonight. Is this your first time performing at the Comedy Store? Yes.

When you leave tonight, go straight home. We don't need any more bad press. Fair enough, fair enough. Don't drive your car through Mel's driving or something. I don't want to see Redman on the news again. Fair enough, Tim, fair enough. Why? There he goes, everybody.

Edward Ultimus, ladies and gentlemen. He's Edward Ultimus on Instagram. Um... At Bet365, we don't do ordinary. We believe that every sport should be epic every goal every game every point every play from the moments that are remembered forever to the ones you've already forgotten whether it's a game-winning goal in the final seconds of overtime or a shot on goal in the

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A message from the Government of Canada. Yeah. Back to the bucket we go. And ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Jack Travis. I don't see no movement. Is there a Jack Travis? Here he comes. There we go. Coming from the lobby. Nope.

Nope. Lucy in the sky with diamonds Here he is. Jack Travis, everybody. Oh, no. You ever get in a fight with your girlfriend while listening to the Black Hawk Down soundtrack? No?

Just like... No, you should go to therapy! Just in the background, just... The helicopter's in the background. Oh. Oh. I feel like... I feel like I want to be on the show Wife Swap,

but, like, I want to be on the show Wife Swap, but I want to be the wife. I want some adult woman to live my life and take care of my shit for me. Look, I just want to take care of kids and do dishes for a while. Some adult woman. Fuck yeah, Jack Travis. Really killing time there towards the end.

Grab that microphone. So far, you're the best comedian of the night. Yeah, so just to give you a little confidence boost. Welcome. Beatles, Mars Volta, Mars Volta, Beatles. How long have you been a pet detective? It has begun. Schoelberg is here.

I love it. You're just doing 360s right now. I like your style, dude. You don't stop movingelberg is here. I love it. You're just doing 360s right now. I like your style, dude. You don't stop moving. I love it. I love it. So, Jack, tell us about you, man. How long have you been doing stand-up?

None at all. This is your first time? Wow! Jack Travis' first time, everybody. How cool is that? Fuck yeah! How old are you, Jack? 24.

24. Is this something you've always wanted to do? No. What made you want to come here tonight? Is this a bet you lost? I've got friends that do stand-up. What made you come here tonight? What made you pick tonight?

I've got friends. They are big fans of the show. And they work hard. They work hard. And they didn't get this chair. I love that. I love that. That's the fun.

Do you know how few men there are in the other room? You think this is something you're ever going to do again, Jack? Of course, obviously. This may make them even angrier. There you go. You have that angry Disney star energy right now.

It's so fun. He looks like one of the kids from Stranger Things after like an eight-year heroin binge. You know? He's like, what's going to happen

to Finn Wolfhard? How long have you looked like Tim Burton's pre-cum? So Jack, what do you do for work? What coffee shop are you at nowadays? I'm a freelance graphic designer and editor. I had a question for him.

Do you have any acid? Yes. Awesome. I'll take some. him. Do you have any acid? Yes. Awesome. I'll take some. Thanks. There you go. Have you ever... All right.

There you go. So, Jack, what else about you? You seem like you play music or something like that? A filmmaker, yeah. Banjo, if you've got one here. Oh, let me check. No. Have you made any films?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, short films. There's a little banjo for you right on cue. Short films. Yeah. Not features. No. Okay.

Do I look like I can afford a feature film? Your parents probably are the CEOs of Goldman Sachs. Yeah. That's what L. what LA is, literally. You could make a feature film. Your parents didn't leave you a retirement fund of any kind? Not at all? Where do you live? Where do you hail from?

Boston. Fuck yeah. How long have you been in LA? Two years. What's your living situation? You've hopped up with a bunch of people over in Los Feliz? Yeah, Burbank. Oh, look at that. what's your living situation you hopped up with a bunch of people over in los feliz uh yeah uh burbank oh look at that that's where you can maybe you'll catch him uh walking or jogging or nope that's impossible um you'll never see him yeah you might see a tesla driving him to uh

civilization shout out to the burbank dunkin' Donuts. Hell yeah. Where's that one at? Downtown? You like Bob's Big Boy? Of course. I live there. Yeah. Feels like a 12-step meeting. Yeah, exactly.

Question for you Burbankians. Everyone says they love Bob's Big Boy. Have you ever eaten there not in the hours between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m.? I sure have. You go there during the day? Of course. It's right next to Starbucks.

Right when you're done, you just go to Starbucks. Who is at Bob's Big Boy during the day? Just human traffickers? It's just guys with kids they've stolen? Just making them eat pancakes? Studio people. It's all studio people. Oh, excuse me.

It's just me and Jeff Ross there at 2 a.m. Oh, yeah. We're going to go there. What else is interesting about you, Jack? What else? What are you working on now? What's going on in your life? Oh, I don't know.

You have a girlfriend? No, no, single. Boyfriend? What are you into? You seem like the kind of guy That would like the guy From Don't Fuck With Cats Or something like that

You end up like just Killing little animals I'm a danger to society That's the type of short films He was talking about? Keep it on the list Do you have a sexuality Or is it kind of just like

Whatever is Whatever the movie is Yeah Yeah Yeah He's just Whatever wins best picture He'll fuck it You know? He'll fuck it Yeah, he's just... Whatever wins best picture, he'll fuck it, you know? Yeah, yeah.

He'll fuck it. Look, Harvey's out, so we gotta find someone else that climbs up. Fair enough. That's right. Yeah. All right, Jack. My goodness. Any other fun facts about your life or the way you were raised that you think we should

know about? Your entire life, you ever won a trophy? You ever been the best at anything? Do your parents tell people you exist? No, unfortunately not. You almost answered for a second when I said trophy. What was the answer going to be there? I used to do competitive gymnastics.

Oh, really? Can you still do anything? Is there anything you could do? Like a flip or a handstand or something goofy? Can you do anything that would impress this room? Have you ever performed in front of a crowd like this before? Oh, yeah. Would you guys like to see him do... Wait, you have?

Where else have you performed that's this big? Oh, in a gymnasium. Newport. I respect that. They got fiberglass and a filter. Brings your high up 15%. That's what a white girl named LaFawn told me once. Yeah, she's a good woman.

Yeah. I love it. Just do something cool. What can you do? Oh, shit. Wow. Wow. Oh, shit.

Wow. Very good. Very good. Very good. That is by far the best gymnastics I've ever seen by a guy with a pack of Newports in his pocket. Seriously, Newports? Not something in the way you move.

All right, Jack. Jack well that was very fun nice to meet you man congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket there he goes Jack Travis you're killing it yeah yeah alright so we're gonna do something fun right now a little bit outside the box.

I'm going to bring someone up here who we actually, I don't know if anybody saw this or heard it, but we were talked about on the Howard Stern Show last week, everybody. We were brought up on the show. The great Shuley explained to Howard and Robin what this show is and what goes on here because he wanted to get one of the Whack Packers, one of the famous Whack Packers on the show to see if he could make the Comedy Store laugh for 60 seconds. I ended up, of course, finding out about this clip from the Stern Show and contacted Shuley and we're going to make it happen right now. We're going to give this guy

60 seconds at the Comedy Store stage. This is his first time performing in the main room of the Comedy Store. Ladies and gentlemen, 20 years as a Whack Packer. Make some noise for Speech Impediment Man. Come on, one more time for Speech Impediment Man, everybody. What happened? What happened? Why do they call it A? Edmund Mann, everybody. What's happening? Why do they call it AIDS? It never fucking helped me.

I went to a doctor. He said, you got two things wrong with you. You got cancer and Alzheimer's. I go, at least I don't have cancer. I'm having some problem with my Alexa. Every time I talk to her, she calls 911. She thinks I'm having a fucking stroke. So I'm a security guard. Let me tell you what happened last week.

These robbers come in and go, I go, hard, stick it up. They go, you don't even have a gun. I go, listen, I'll do to you what I do to the English language. I'll fuck you up. Ha ha.

Hey. Speech impediment man. That was great. Wow. Speech impediment man. That was awesome, dude. Thank you. I feel like you could work on your delivery a little bit, but the jokes were amazing.

Welcome. Welcome. First time performing at the Comedy Store Main Room, correct? Yes. I've been in the original room and the belly room. I've been all around LA. How long have you been doing stand-up for? Well, I started in 93 and then I met Howard in 96. Wow. How'd you meet Howard? I went down to Westwood.

He was doing a book signing for Miss America. And I met him and I told him I wanted to be a comedian. And I kept calling into his show and he put me on more and more. And then they

called me to go out there. It's only going to fucking enter that phone. Ringo, you ain't doing that. I love it. Let's check in with the great John Lennon. Yes, this guy sounds like what I sounded like after I got shot in the back of the head. Oh, John Lennon. God.

Oh, my goodness. Gracious. Wow. Hey, but I sound better than Yoko's song. Oh! Oh, my goodness. You leave my wife out of this. Yoko?

Yoko, I hear you. Darling, where are you? All right. That's not her. She's gone. She's close. I can tell. Okay.

So speech impediment, man. Great job, man. Yeah, fucking awesome. Great job. Absolutely. So exciting. You've been a whack packer on the Stern Show for over 20 years, right? Yes, yes.

That's so exciting. Here, face the audience a little bit. Cheat towards them a little bit while you talk with me. You are hot. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Do not flirt with girls. Do not flirt with girls. I don't know if you saw what happened to Harvey Weinstein today.

You're not allowed to do that anymore. People with your shape aren't allowed to do that. I think he was pointing to that black guy, actually. Yeah. Yeah. So speech impediment, man. How long have you had the speech impediment your whole life, or did that happen like an accident or something like that? Well, when I was like four...

You fell down the staircase. No, I'd ride in the car with my mom, and she stopped fast, and my head hit the dashboard. And my feet is messed up

and like the back of my... So you got stuck speaking like a four-year-old forever? Yeah. You should be allowed to sexually harass women. Well, blow him right now. Come on.

Hey, it's the right thing to do. He was in a car. I'll take a charity fuck. Yeah. No problem. Wow. Names don't even have to be exchanged. Right.

Wow. I bet that's a ticket to ride you wish you could have taken back. I love the Superman getup. S.I. speech impediment. Oh, I see. I gotcha. I gotcha. So instead of changing in a phone booth, you just sleep in one.

No. Superman could afford phone booths. I got to go in the bathroom still. Because I got no fucking money. How do you make money? Do you have a day job or anything? I'm a security guard. Didn't you listen to my ass?

What are you guarding? Yeah, I just didn't believe it. I thought that was a joke. A bank. A bank? My whole life is a fucking joke. Oh my God. What kind of bank?

Which bank? Tim and I are going to rob this bank. For sure. I'll do to you what are going to rob this bank. For sure. I'll do to you what I do to the English language. I'll fuck you up. You already did that one. Is that a callback? That's okay.

That's a classic. It's a classic. Has anybody ever tried anything at the bank that you do security at? It seems like it would just be so easy. Do you dress like this when you're doing security? Because then people show up, they're like, oh, the banks are already being robbed by

someone who's definitely getting caught. The bank robbers drowned and spit. So no one's ever caused any trouble over there? No, no. My goodness. We do like mainly mortgages and paperwork. You have a girlfriend? Is there a speech impediment woman?

No, that's why I'm asking her out. Oh, okay. I just seemed that, I was just guessing that perhaps. Can you help me out? Yeah. No, how could I possibly help you out? There's gotta be a single girl around here. Yeah, we'll get her and we'll put her

in a van for you. This guy's old school Hollywood. I like it. He's like, come on. There's got to be a single girl around here. No, we're not doing it, Brian. Stop that. We're not doing that for this guy. Wait a minute. We're not doing that for this guy.

Hold on, come on. It's Howard Stern. I'm sure there's a girl here that wants that attention. Yeah, he set me up with it. Do you ever get, he has? Yeah. Did you get to hook up with a girl? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. What was it? She was a sex therapist. A sex therapist? Yeah. Oh, no. This is too bad it wasn't a speech therapist.

At that point, I'd rather get laid. Was the sex therapist, was that here in LA? No, it was in New York. It was in New York where you live. No, I live here. Oh, you live here. In Orange County. Oh, okay.

I gotcha. Very good speech impediment, man. Well, is there anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go? Your performance was great. Did you write all those jokes? Yeah. You did? Yeah.

You wrote them yourself? Yeah. All by yourself? Each one of them? Well, Howard helped me out. Howard helped you out. Yeah. Oh.

I know. You really, I'd ask you six times before you admitted that. Well, I did use my own material, but Shirley said, no, do this stuff Howard. Yeah, I think Shirley was right. I think Shirley was right. Can you give us an example of an old joke of yours? Give us one of yours. Yeah. None of

the brilliant comic genius Howard Stern jokes. I went to a doctor. I said, Doc, my eyes hurt when I have sex. He said, Jeff, that's only the pepper spray. Hey, that's good. It's not bad. That's good.

That's great. That's good. Can I have some time Sunday night? What? Can I have some time Sunday night? Yes, with a woman. We'll get you time. That's not this Sunday. That's at the end of March.

You're asking for a spot in La Jolla? I feel like he doesn't even have a speech impediment and he's not even a whack packer. He's pretended to have this for 20 years. I'll tell you right now, if you can make it to one of the La Jolla shows, that's in two weeks. That's March 8th. If you can

make it there, I'll give you an automatic 60 seconds. If you want. I'm not fucking... I'll be there. I'm not paying your way down there or anything. I'll be there. But if you're there, we'll get you up there. How's that?

We'll see you then. Speech impediment man, ladies and gentlemen. 20 years as a Whack Packer. We have crossed the streams. We have a special announcement here at Kill Tony, and even though I want to do it myself, it's a big deal. And so I'm going to hand it over to the band leader of the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. Jeremiah Watkins. Everybody, Jeremiah Watkins is

talking now. This hasn't been done in years. This is a very big deal. We'd like to welcome the newest member of the Kill Tony band and the first female in the history of the band. We all love her here, Jessie Johnson. What? Jessie Johnson? Oh, shit.

Who would have guessed? This is incredible. Wow. It's the Top Show Brass Band, everybody. And Jesse Johnson joining us February 29th, this Saturday night, in Venus de Milo, Swansea, Massachusetts. Hinchcliffe, Red Band, Jimenez, and Jesse Johnson joining the fray. She's also going to be with us April 10th and 11th.

She should always have to dress up like a man, though. For Boston. Yeah, it is pretty funny the night that she's dressed like a man is the night she becomes a full-time band member on this show. We have the Top Shelf Brass Band here. Congratulations to Jesse Johnson. Everything's happening here. Congratulations to Jesse Johnson. Everything's happening here.

The first ever female full-time band member. And with that, let's keep this fun train moving along. Welcome Top Shelf Brass Band. You guys can take a break for a second because this guy has his own entrance music. You might have noticed this entrance music because it was used this weekend in the biggest boxing match ever. The winner, Tyson Fury,

came out to this motherfucker's entrance music because Tyson Fury has good taste in the live podcast that he listens to. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great William Montgomery, everybody. William Montgomery. He must be coming to the stage now from some direction. William Montgomery, everybody.

Here he's definitely coming from somewhere. Couldn't possibly be tending to his drinking or smoking addictions. No, I'm sure he's being a complete professional and is fully aware that now is the time on this live podcast in which his spot begins. Known for his professionalism, not so much his jokes or anything like that. He's not his onstage persona.

No, it's really his professionalism that we love more than anything. Yeah, well, this is, you know, blacklisted. There you go. I have faith that what he's going to do will be so good we won't even... Wow, here he is, everybody. It's William

Montgomery. Wow. Beautiful. Incredible. Okie dokie. William Montgomery, everybody. Here we are. William Okey-dokey. William Montgomery, everybody. Here we are. William Montgomery. First and foremost, I want to warn you all, I was in China last week.

I was diagnosed with toxic sock syndrome. I had a sock in my vagina. I went to jail in Monopoly, and there were black guys who had been in there since the first chance card. I'm going to give a shout-out to my 8th and 9th grade bully. You were right. Don't know why I didn't see it then. Guess my four eyes weren't better than two. My parents surprised me with an early birthday gift.

They're going to send me on an all-expenses-paid trip to the Betty Ford Clinic Resort and Casino. But no, y'all are in for a treat. My parents are actually here tonight. Larry and Frances, can y'all come up here? Thank you. here tonight, Larry and Francis. Can y'all come up here? There you go, William Montgomery, everybody. There it is. Oh, here they come. Here come the Montgomery's, everybody.

Fuck yeah. Very good, good, good, good. Yep, that's a stinger. Yep, that's a stinger. Yep, that's a stinger. Ladies and gentlemen, the Montgomery's are here, everybody. Give it up for the Montgomery's. Larry and Francis, you hear about them almost every week on this show. Hello, sweetheart.

How are you? I absolutely love these parents of William's. I'm a big fan of parents. Are these really his parents? Yeah, they're the real deal. Yeah, they're really my fucking parents. They look so sweet and nice and normal. I know.

Hey, William, where the fuck were you? Tony normally fucking calls me around 930. Yes. My man, Larry. What happened? Can Larry have that microphone? Please Are you guys about to have an argument right now?

I'll probably get disbarred for that It was worth it Come on up there, step up there Larry Step up next to your beautiful son I think it's your son, either that or your wife fucked a local coal miner While you were working Get up here I think it's your son. Either that or your wife fucked a local coal miner while you were working. Get up here.

Are you surprised with how Williams turned out? What are the positives and negatives? What do you love and hate about your son? It's a live show, people. I don't plan any of this. I knew he was going to be different. This is a true story, because in ninth grade, there was a talent show at his high school, and some people were playing the guitar, some people were singing.

He comes out with a stick with a ribbon on the end of it, and to some fucked-up song, dances around the stage and does the stick and the ribbon. And when it was over, the other parents would not make eye contact with me. It is the craziest world we live in, where one of the comedian's fathers comes up and kills harder than any of the comedians did all night. This is a wild world, this comedy business.

I'll tell you. Well, with the crew so far, that's not a big deal. I love it. We have had some interesting bucket pulls. So how's life been? We miss you guys. You guys are out in beautiful Tennessee. From Memphis. We came here

and seeing William and his mom was cooking good food for him. Had spaghetti Saturday night. Had a good steak last night. There was a group of blacks having a party. Wait a second. Wait a second. William, I don't think that's

what you're supposed to... I don't think that's what you're supposed to, I don't think that's how you refer to them. What do you mean? What kind of party were they? I think you're technically right, but it's a technical term. Just carrying on.

I was trying to go to sleep. What else have you been doing with your parents, William? What else has been going on? You had spaghetti, you had steak. What else have you been doing? Other than, William? What else has been going on? You had spaghetti, you had steak. Other than noticing the blacks, what else has been happening? When we stay somewhere, we have to warn the management

that this person coming to see us is not a homeless person. Yeah. He's our son. Yeah, when he visits the hotel. Seriously, I love it. It's our son! When he visits the hotel. Seriously, I love it. That's so sad!

Does he ever jump in bed with you guys? You guys seem like the kind of family that might sleep Willy Wonka style, just feet ahead. It's happened. That was a fun noise, right, Ben? Oh, thank you. That's the enema noise.

The what? This really pisses William's mom off. She wants everyone to know that she used to give enemas to William as a child. Anytime he got the flu. And William only remembers four of them, but we called his brother up and he's got like 15 of them before. Wow. Look who loves flushing her he's got like 15 of them before. Wow. Look who loves flushing her boys' assholes out. My goodness.

That's a real problem, huh? Look at that. The old catch and release. Look at you, the old fucking... Come on. What are they talking about? What are they talking about? Explain yourself.

Why would you give your kids so many enemas? He's lyingas He's lying She said I love your little Tennessee time I don't know I kind of believe him on this one Yeah This just doesn't happen Something makes this Something creates this

Yeah Yeah He said he doesn't use toilet paper So that's where that started Do you guys have other children? We have two other sons. Well, good, good. What do they do?

One's a lawyer and one's about to graduate from college. And then there's just this bastard over here. This do-nothing bitch working at a storage facility that is holding him back. He has the name of a Southern Civil War general. You were supposed to be an accomplished racist.

He has the... Not just a garden variety racist. Your house should have had columns. He has the everything of a Southern Civil War general, by the way. Yeah, he does. I do. Thank you all so much.

You're welcome. William, have you made any advancements or major decisions in your life this week? You're holding yourself back in a great many ways. You're holding your career back with your day job and your current relationship. I broke up with her. I've been sad about that. I broke up with her. Oh, that's good. When's the last time you up with her. I've been sad about that. I broke up with her. Oh, that's good.

When's the last time you spoke with her? Last night. Oh. I'm kidding. Is that true? No, I'm kidding. It's not true. Oh, okay.

Yeah, right. It's not true. We're going to the LA Fitness tomorrow to join his ass up. Oh, that's great. I love that. He said he already joined. He was lying about it?

Yeah. He lies about everything. Did he ever go to his doctor's appointment? Did we get... I think he really did. Yeah, did you get results? Did you see anything

from a doctor? Yeah, they said he had really high cholesterol, but don't worry about it because he had Ebola, whatever the hell that is. Finding out William has high cholesterol

is like the doctor saying that william has red hair um it's like we know right let's check in with john lennon i wonder how who could do more push-ups there you go let's check in with john i just want to say william before we get to the push-up off um how truly much of a wreck your life has to be when your parents fly in from another state to sign you up for a gym? They're going to a gym to sign

you up to make sure you don't lie and say you're going when you're really not. You should be ashamed of yourself. William Montgomery. John. John. Oh, I just heard his mom whisper in his ear,

I'm going to give you a fucking enema. That's what I heard. I don't know if you guys heard that. Wait for his enema while his mother comes near. No one will hear. My goodness gracious. Tony, can I just say I want everyone to know that William is the walrus we were talking about.

Ouch. Yeah, this is turned out just out. Quit fucking talking. His pubic hair is definitely strawberry fields forever. I mean, what can I say? I could talk with you three absolutely forever. Is there anything else I should know about or check in with? Everything's good.

I fucking love you guys. You're the best. It's a fun project working with William. Oh, thank you. Wait, enema for me too? Oh, my goodness. Wow. She just said that.

I love how mad she gets about it. She's like, say it one more time and I will squeeze stuff out of your asshole. Guys, how loud can this place get for the Montgomery's everybody? Larry, Francis, William. It's a family affair on Kill Tony

live at the Comedy Store. Very, very exciting stuff so far. You know, their parents are going to be on William's podcast, William's and David's podcast Wednesday. So if you want to see us really go deep and make William depressed, if you guys like that, we will. There you go.

It sounds like the crowd can't wait. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian, Adam Sheba. Adam Sheba has been selected right out of the bucket of destiny. Live. Here he comes. Come on, one more time for Adam Sheba, everyone. William has such a nice family, man.

My mother was a stripper when I was growing up. All that white privilege wasted, man. I never judged her, though, for it. You know what I mean? Because I always had food on the table and clothes on my back. The most devastating part about the situation is I can't listen to any more Juicy J songs. Those bands make her dance. Damn it, ma! My pops was murdered when I was seven years old. No, it's all good. I watched a lot of forensic files, so I got under control.

You know what I'm saying? He was murdered when I was 7 years old, and I always told myself when I was younger, I'm going to grow up, find the man who did this, catch him, and confront him. And then I got older, and I was like, damn. I'm not good with computers, you know what I'm saying? Just because I let that one slide, you know what i'm saying just guess i let that one slide you know what i'm fuck yeah adam shiba all right adam welcome welcome first time on the show right uh second time second time okay

okay shit dude yeah i think i think you were actually the uh the guest yeah i was the guest uh last time it was good it's good this time is i think better appreciate it yeah i love that so welcome back adam uh that's true huh your mother's a stripper and your dad was murdered yeah my mother had me when she was 15 um so no retire no retirement no no retirement fine, the white privilege joke I don't think hits because you don't seem white. Right. Yeah. But because I'm not dark skinned, I figured that it might, you know what I mean?

Yeah, because when you have all that white privilege wasted, it's like if a dude who seemed really white said that, it'd be very funny. But you don't seem that white. Okay. Yeah, so that's the reason that one I don't think works. Okay. Yeah. Are you white or no? I mean, I'm 50 50. You know,

the answer that is no. The answer is no. This is Trump's America, sir. Pure Brents. Thank you. Um, so 50 I mean, I would consider myself I mean, growing up, you know, I'm saying no one ever considered me white because all they see is color. You know what I'm saying? So I would consider myself, I mean growing up

you know what I'm saying, no one ever considered me white because all they see is color, you know what I'm saying so I would consider the black to white ratio the black people think you're white no one thinks he's white I'm just light skinned there's not one group of people

including the blind that would think he's white I love that let's just say if he was a song One group of people, including the blind, that would think he's white. I love that. John Lennon. Let's just say if he was a song, he would not be on the White Album. Let's just say Blackbird sings in the ghetto night. That was Chroma Chris, for those of you keeping track on your bingo cards.

So awesome. Your dad was murdered. Drugs? Yeah. It's not a joke, people. That's what happens. He was a gang leader and a pimp in Boston, and life caught up to him, so he was shot. Was he the white one?

No, he was black. The white one. I was trying. I would have been fine. Do it. Because I was trying. I would have been fine. You were. Because it's Boston. I'm like, you know, hey. So how old was your father when he met your mom? She was 15 when she had you?

Yeah. So I really don't know. I don't even think about it, really. Yeah. That's fair. I really don't know. It looks like pimping and drugs wasn't the only crime he was involved with.

That's alright, listen. Look at that. He got his. Heck yeah. That's fucked up. It's not... Why did I do it? Come on. My goodness. Everything, you know.

You have brothers and sisters? Yeah, I got seven. That you know of? Seven of them. Well, I met two of them when I was in high school. I didn't know they existed, so. How many different dads amongst your mom's seven kids? Twelve.

God. Good numbers. Somehow. Somehow. Somehow 12. Okay. That's good. That's good. Three for seven's not bad.

Yeah. I love it. So what do you do for work, Adam? Bellman at the Dream Hotel in Hollywood. So I take luggage up to people's rooms all day. I love that. Do you always dress like in Impossible Burger? Man.

What? I'm like the mannequin in Azara, man. I'm just whatever slim fit they got going on. I love it. Look at you, you tall caramel macchiato. It's exciting.

All the colors on your sweater are like the evolution of who you became. Wow. What's your love life like, Adam? I've had a girl for about three years or so. You're still with her? Yeah. What does she do?

She works for... I'm kidding. Because his dad was a pedophile. Yeah. That's why it's funny. That's true. That's why the joke is funny. I'm kidding.

Everything's fine. Jelly, lighten up. She is a stylist. Oh, stylist. Yeah, puts clothes on people for red carpet nights. How do you keep things hot in the bedroom? Three and a half years is a long time. Do you have any special tricks or anything that you like to do? Can't lie.

She gets boring sometimes. Oh, shit. She be getting boring sometimes. But, no, I mean. Ever put a loaded gun to her head? You really riding this dad thing out right now. You really riding this shit out. We gotta do it.

She's really attractive. How about you though? What do you do to keep things interesting in the bedroom? Even though she's boring, do you ever pull any big tricks or anything? Do you have any special maneuvers? What's your tombstone pile driver? You know what I mean? What's your finishing move? Anything special about you?

I can't... Tell the fucking truth right here. It's going to be a lot more interesting if you tell the truth you know there's something when you rub your chin like that I know yeah I mean yes in the bedroom are you half white or half black nah I really don't have anything

too crazy freaky but for the exciting part you know what I'm saying? I just tell her to put like lingerie or any type of dress stuff that she got going on in her closet. I'm guessing your girlfriend is a thick white woman. Thick white? No, she's black. Has she ever called you the N-word in bed? Nah, nah.

Just half of the N-word. Has she ever called you that in like an elevator or... Nah, nah. Just half of the N-word. Has she ever called you that in like an elevator? Nah, I've... Has she ever said, take my bag to the room, my... I feel like you really wanted to say it right there. No, I didn't. She doesn't call you the N-word in bed.

Has she ever called you a cracker in bed? Nah, never called me a cracker or a... Like a peanut butter cracker or something like that? Nah, nah. What? She called me light-skinned every once in a while get your light skin ass over here her safe word is drink they're just a regular white couple you know

very very interesting alright Adam well fun times tonight nice to see you again the computer joke's fucking great this shit's great this set went better than your last set, am I correct? Yeah. You've been going spots, you're working out around town,

you're getting better. You can feel the growth, right? Yeah, absolutely. That's what happens. Fuck yeah, Adam Sheba. Absolutely. 100%. Now shake it up, baby. Twist and shout. Twist and shout. Twist and shout.

Why don't you say we get another regular up here, huh? Yeah. An icon here on this show. A lot of wild, amazing appearances. Unbelievable joke writer. Unbelievable roasting skills. Notorious for over-roasting the guests as of late. Let's see what happens here tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's David Lucas, everybody. Here we go. Here he is, live and in the flesh. The one, the only. David Lucas, everybody. Come on. I'm not very religious. I was having a talk with my mom the other day about the Bible. I'm not very religious.

I was having a talk with my mom the other day about the Bible. I was like, I can't really believe everything in the Bible, Mom. I was like, do you really believe that Noah took two of everything on that fucking ship? And she was like, yeah, it's in the Bible. I'm like, so this nigga took two roaches? You mean to tell me he took two bad bugs on the fucking ark? I find that shit hard to believe. How did this nigga orchestrate getting zebras on a ship?

How did the tigers not kill the fucking zebras? You imagine you gotta be in charge of getting some king cobras on the ark and you get bit? They be like, nah nigga, I'm straight. God wanted this shit. God is my anti-venom. You know what I'm saying? I don't know, bro.

Fuck. Shit, I ran out. I was about to say, I ran out. Nigga, that ran out. There you go. You didn't run. You didn't run anywhere. Look at Tony.

David Lucas. Tony looking like some circus cotton candy in this bitch. You look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man got made into a s'more. Hold on, say that again. I didn't get it. You're as fat as the Marshmallow Man got made into a s'more. Hold on. Say that again. I didn't get it. You're as fat as the Marshmallow Man, but chocolate covered. Get it now? How about this one?

What if I called you the Stay Puffy Marshmallow Man? Is that better? What if I called you RuPaul's Stepson? You son of a bitch. Look at Tim Dillon looking like an unpaid Louis Anderson. Hey. Hey. hey, hey. Listen, me and you are going to die in the same week. And I will have a better obituary.

Tim Dillon got on a cement shirt. What? It's a 90s polo. You look like a parking spot. You don't own a car. David Lucas is literally Tim Dillon's shadow. That works. He looks like he has...

He looks like he has an octopus's garden on his head. It's a Beatles joke. David, take it easy on them. No, let them get away with it. They're Beatles. They're Beatles. They look like a Mexican mariachi band. Wow, you really just burned the Beatles.

I know. You can't make fun of the Beatles. I tried to help you there, David. Fuck the Beatles. We're on Apple. You love white people music. You know any Beatles songs? You're never a fan?

I don't know no Beatles. I know fucking Garth Brooks. Yeah. Toby Keith. I watched, again, going back on this, one of the biggest boxing matches ever this weekend, Tyson Fury sang American Pie in the ring after winning. He did some shit that I do. And yeah, definitely reminded me of you.

Any other white people songs that you haven't sang before in your head as of late? Let's see. I know it must be tough for you to think since you look like one of those bad drawings of a Kobe mural. Oh, fuck. You ever see that one? You might. A lot of those

are popping up as of late. Lazy artist. Lazy artist just going sloppy on a brick wall. He looks like the helicopter after the crash. No, no, no. I ain't fucking with you. I ain't fucking with you. Hit the pause button on the live stream.

Come on. I ain't fucking with you. Ari Shafir, ladies and gentlemen. Ari Shafir. He's a stroke. Appearing on Kill Tony. I'm from here. I am a Lakers fan.

I can say it. That was Joel Jimenez that made that joke on on Kill Tony. I'm from here. I am a Lakers fan. I can say it. That was Joel Jimenez that made that joke on the Kill Tony podcast. Fuck it. Bring it. You fucking idiots. It was not Tony Hinchcliffe. It was Joel Jimenez. Tony looked like a gay finger painting.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You look like some shit a gay kid would draw. What the fuck? How do you even know? What have you ever finger painted? A fucking house? Side of a house?

Look at those fucking things you got there. Let's see your fingers, nigga. I got normal hands, dude. I don't have fucking fat diabetes hands like you. You are water retention. You look like you're a professional getting a pickle out of a jar picker. Oh, okay.

That didn't look like you're a professional. Just because you get mad at Pringles because you can't get them out of there doesn't mean that... That's how Tony Bootyhole looked. He opens a can of Pringles and just starts crying. He can't figure it out. By the way, if you look at... If you look at Tony's fingernails,

by the way, they look like the window is half down, by the way. You chew half your fingers. Thank you. Very good. When Tony was a baby, he used to... For those of you that are looking under a microscope, yes. When Tony was a baby, he used to shake milk on his face. Oh, boy. Yikes.

He knew he was going to be gay. It's a little bit of a... Instead of goo-goo-ga-ga, he'd say, ooh-ooh, ah-ah. Very good. Thank you. Hell yeah. When I was pouring milk on my face, that's what I would say when I was a child. You guys are fully roasted.

Tony used to smile when he got whoopings. What are you doing? You enjoyed getting your diaper changed when you was two, nigga. Your mama used to put your wipes in the microwave. Yes, and what was it? I mean, that actually is all a fact.

Yeah. It's absolutely true. You look like a weirdo kid. When she changed my diaper in there, she would find the old David Lucas just sitting there waiting for it. The old stinky brown pile of fucking secretion. You like the type of nigga that take a shit

then get in the shower. Well, actually. You have the type of nigga that take a shit then get in the shower. Well, actually... You have one with a shower head? Yeah, no, I like showering. It's something you can do when you can fit in one. Oh. Not all of us have the liberty of getting to take a shit

and then go outside and get hosed off by our aunt. Tony, you're a skinny ass. You take a shower in the bathroom sink, nigga. Goddamn toilet brush, teeth brushing ass nigga. Not all of us are able to shower with the ability of sucking the water out of the tub and using our trunk to splash it onto ourselves. I love it. Tony get clean in a bird bag.

Okay. You do a bird joke every week. I'm on to this. Shut your Australian emu looking ass up. Oh my god. How dare you? Hell yeah. Albino ostrich looking ass. Alright. Cock-a-doodle-doo.

You're just now making bird noises bird noise your favorite part is the cock okay you have a whole run of bird jokes are you low blood sugar you thinking about Popeyes right now what's going on over here you thinking about Cherryfield Donuts is that a

seat warmer sitting ass nigga. You are out of control. That nigga look like he take a shit with a pillow on the toilet. If you only knew, I actually have a shit pillow. It's absolutely true. You the only nigga that can shit and lay it on your stomach. What do you mean by that? What do you mean by that? You be shooting three-pointers into the toilet. Okay.

What? Hell yeah. Yeah, that's what... When you fart, that shit sound like a halftime buzzer. Okay. This is out of control right now. Your booty hole look like a manhole with the buzzer. Okay. This is out of control right now. Your booty hole look like a man hole

with the top off. Okay. Why would it look like that? Your booty hole look like a big gulp at 7-Up. Oh my God. I mean at 7-Eleven.

My bad. You are on fire right now. Hell yeah. You are unstoppable. Fucking Florida Flamingo looking ass. Okay. All right.

All right. All right. You look like the Pink Panther, niggas. You're just saying things now. You break into niggas' houses to steal they condoms. I can't even keep up with you. Smell a dildo and leave.

Not even... Again, this is good. I love it. I love it. I love it. Tony is the shoestring burglar. I can't even talk. The shoestring burglar.

You were close. You got excited. You said shoestring. You started thinking about the fries, huh? Motherfucker. Trying to roast me while thinking about deep fried foods. It's exciting. I love it, dude. You did it again. Oh, your deep fried foods. It's exciting. I love it, dude. You did it again.

Oh, your zipper's down. Look at that. Wow, that's rare. Look at that thing. It's trying to get a breath of fresh air. Like, please, I'm dying in here. Your dick is trying to escape for its life right now. Stuck next to the fucking Amazonian fucking...

Man, shut your ass up. You sleep with a pillow in between your legs. Again, I actually do do that. There's a lot of these roast jokes in which you are nailing it right on the head.

Like, oh, you look like the kind of guy that loves French onion soup. I do. I actually love French onion soup. I eat it every time I get. Scratch and sniff butt plugs smuggling ass.

That's true. I smell butt plugs and I smell dildos. And then I sneak out in the night after smelling people's dildos. Can you not fit a pillow between your legs? Why was that? Redbed, if you don't shut your drunk background actor from M.A.S.H. looking ass up. Jesus.

Any helicopter, you hear that bitch going down. All right, all right, all right. That's enough. Dirty army jacket wearing ass. All right, all right. David, unbelievable performance. I got to put the fire out.

It's been 10 minutes. Unbelievable. I want to, I want to. There he goes. The great David Lucas, everybody. Yeah. Don't forget. The Cancel Your Family tour has begun with Tim Dillon going all around the country.

Yeah. Pull another name out of the bucket. One word name. Make some noise for Avery, everyone. Avery. Where's Avery at? Is that Avery? Here comes Avery.

Don't make it bad. Take a sad song. All right. What a fun night we're having. Do you think we're going to make it as a species? No? Everyone says that. When did that happen?

I feel like 10 years ago we were like, we got this shit. Now we're like, we are fucked. Why did that happen? Every reasonable statistic you read will tell you it's the best time to ever be a human being. But I'm lying on my Tempurur-pedic mattress scrolling through my iphone like wrong we're fucked we need to get it together i feel like we're depressing the kids i listened to gen z rap the other day not good all gen z rap is just like i just popped a xanax and I wanna kill myself. I'm like, what the fuck?

Whatever happened to good, confident hip hop about killing other people? That's a good message. 50 Cent believed in himself, okay? He got shot. He wasn't gonna give up. He was gonna get rich or die trying He wasn't going to try dying That's a good message Alright, thank you Avery, everybody There you go Welcome to the show, Avery

Thank you First time on, right? Yes, it is How long you been doing stand-up? Seven years Seven years Absolutely TikTok joke is good

The rap, the Gen Z rap thank you open with that yeah yeah yeah seven years where you been doing it at San Francisco San Fran is that out of there you still live out of there get out of there why because they all suck it's such a soft comedy scene it's not that's why you think it's like

the end of the world you came up with this with this subject matter of like everything's you know we're not gonna make it because san francisco's so shitty that i came up with that no i think i think a lot of it's you but i think that those you know a lot of those people are like panicking that's the life that they're living like oh it's the end of civilization we have the world's on fire right yeah well it is listen it is but still right you don't want to be in san francisco watching grown women shit on the street well it's true it's true or you know what do you do for a living uh i do i create content for a brand oh yeah cool very san francisco you're like so you're the thing you hate uh yeah that's kind of like you're the thing you hate That's kind of like

You're the thing that you have identified As the problem I mean it's pretty fun It's not a bad job I get to make funny videos for a living Oh god you're going the wrong way I liked you Isn't that what you do Tim?

I don't use the word content You have to when you're justifying your job I don't use the word content I don't use the word content. Yeah. You have to when you're justifying your job. I don't use the word content. I don't use the word brands. I liked you when you came up. What's something that you can win Tim back over with? A likable thing about you since we found out

about content and brands. A likable thing about me? Fun fact about your life. I like to party. What kind of partying do you do? Just normal partying. Yeah? What do you mean? Like, what kind of partying?

Like, birthday parties? Yeah. Birthday parties, pizza parties. Yeah, all that. How old are you? How old do you think I am? 30? This guy has become the worst person in the world.

And, dude, when he got up here, I'm like, I want to like this guy. I like the guy. And then he did the Gen Z thing. I'm like, that's a good fucking joke. And then just him. Very representative of San Francisco overall, right? You're going in the bridges. It's beautiful.

The water everywhere. And then you get in and there's human shit everywhere. Just stepping in it. There it is. Wow. It's beautiful. Water everywhere. And then you get in and there's human shit everywhere. Just stepping in it. There it is. Wow. How about, what's the actual number? What is your age? You look like you could be anywhere between 23 and Pete Davidson's dead father.

I'm 29. Okay, 29 years old. What did you do before you were making content? I did tech sales in San Francisco. Tech sales. This is a great resume for the worst person that's ever lived. This really is great. How about hobbies or anything?

Are you good at anything? Pop a shot or something like that? Just to circle the whole, you know? He's like, well, you know, I like taking what's mine. I don't have a comeback to that. You have hobbies or anything was the question I asked. This is mainly what I do. Other than stand-up comedy, like something

during the day or that you look forward to at night or anything other than just the broad word of partying. And then when I say what kind of parties you just go, parties? See why we're in a conundrum right here? I do see that. I'm not giving you a lot. Yeah, no, I don't know.

Oh, okie dokie. You're really good at this. Are you dating like a girl that works in a WeWork or something? No. You have a girlfriend? I do. How long have you been with her? Eight years. Wow. Her parents have money? No. No. You have a girlfriend? I do. How long you been with her? Eight years. Wow. Her parents have money?

No. My goodness. It's actually, no. No, they don't. Does she have a Steve Buscemi fetish? Do I look like Steve Buscemi? Yeah, but like without brain damage. Ringo, what happened to your accent, mate?

I was angry, I'm sorry Alright What kind of brand do you work for? Is it a clothing company? It is Alcohol, food? It's a clothing company Which one?

I don't want to say it after this performance Oh Oh My goodness Very exciting stuff What do you think your girlfriend likes about you like if she was here and i said what do you like about avery what would she say that i'm a good person really is that true what makes you a good person give us an example of something good that

you've done it's all other than the tech sales and the partying. What's the missionary work that you've done? One thing. One good thing that you've done. One good thing that I've done? In your entire life. I've got nothing. I don't have anything. If you got hit by a car on Sunset Boulevard, would anyone who's ever met you be sad?

Probably not. No. Do you have a good thing that you've done? That you can think of? I've sat here for through that minute. I'll take that. I'll take that. Absolutely. Avery,

very, very interesting performance. Maybe go back and watch any show with an interview and see how this could have gone. Watch how people answer questions. Thank you. There you go.

Seven years in comedy. There goes Avery, everybody. Hey, don't make it bad. Take a side. Back to the bucket we go. How many of you like it when Kimmy... I'm like a funny guy, but then once you start talking, it was like, God. It's like the worst. How old do you think I am might be one of the most disgusting answers.

I mean, it's the worst. Oh, God. You just want him to get coronavirus and die. This looks like a fun name Put your hands together for Manolo everyone Manolo Let's see what happens here How many of you Legoing comedians do good on this show? How many of you Legoing comedians do bad on this show?

Okay that's good to know Here comes Manolo, everyone. One more time for Manolo. How's everybody? So, on my way over here, I got a text from my cousin, Maria. She told me she's pregnant and expecting twins, right? So I told her, congratulations, cuz.

Finally, two kids from the same father. She's 15, by the way. Mexican, Mexican. My girlfriend, she gets so embarrassed when she queefs. Yeah. I mean, like yesterday, right? She pulled off the loudest queef, right? The loudest queef, and I just started laughing.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. And she just got so embarrassed that she froze. She got all red in the face, and I felt so bad, right? And I just had to apologize to the black guy. Um, yeah. Don't you just hate it when... Yeah?

Manolo. What's up? That was Manolo. Manolo. Hello. What's up? That was Manolo. Manolo, everyone.

So Manolo, welcome to the show. How are you, bud? How long have you been doing stand-up? My first time. First time ever. There you go. I was really hoping for that. Thank goodness.

Heck yeah. Congratulations. How old are you? 35. How old do you think I am? I knew you were going to do that. 35. No one that looks like you at 35 would actually guess how old do you think I am.

No one would ask that. John Lennon? Big fan. Oh, thank you. Something I have in common with you, my wife Yoko used to queef a lot. We would record it, play it backwards, and sell it as albums.

Abso-fucking-lutely. It was beautiful. Manolo, what ethnicity are you? What ethnicity do you think I am? I'm Mexican. Oh, yeah. I'm Mexican. Leave it to a Mexican to keep digging himself into a deeper hole. John Lennon.

That was actually my favorite part of his set when he explained that his cousin was 15 and then he tagged it up with Mexican, Mexican. Yeah, I did. Right, right. Fuck yeah. Does Manolo mean something? I've never heard that name before. That's like Manuel.

You've heard Manuel? Uh-huh. But I don't know. Spaniards are called Manolo. A lot of Spaniards. Manolo mean something? I've never heard that name before. That's like Manuel. You've heard Manuel? Uh-huh. But I don't know. Spaniards are called Manolo. A lot of Spaniards. Manolo. So I guess they call me Manolo. Uh-huh.

What do you do for work? I'm actually right now chatterbaiting. What? Chatterbaiting. Chatterbaiting? You know? What is that? There's a market for everything.

There is. There is. Are you seriously doing that? What is that? Explain to these people what that is. Hey, hey, hey. You fuck. Explain to the people what that is. I think no.

Chatterbait? If I have to ask you one more fucking time. I'm sorry. You masturbate in front of a cam girl but a sorry. You masturbate in front of a cam girl, but a dude. You masturbate in front of a camera and you make money from that? A little bit right now.

What's up, baby? Get those pesos, homie. What's up? Let's check in with John Lennon. Me, John Lennon, I definitely did not know what that was. Yeah. Yeah.

Very interesting. Red Band, were you able to find his page? Oh, no. No, I haven't. It's live webcam. Do you think it's like an elaborate eye sting? Or is it actually... You think it could be...

I actually did it for one night, and I made like $150. But it was all like people that knew me. I just put lotion on my cheeks and stuff, and people tipped me. Wow. Somehow this is the darkest moment of the show. Yeah, it really is. No doubt about it. A guy with ALS is going to come out later.

This is still the worst part of the show. Oh, my God. This is the most depressing part of the show. A guy with ALS somehow is always the best part of the show. Yeah, he's the most full of life we have. Red Band making us picture what him

masturbating looks like is just as low as it goes. You are correct. I'm scared Red Band's touching the camera after talking about chat-a-bait. Heck yeah.

So Manolo, what's the most money you've ever made masturbating in front of strangers on the internet? Like 700 bucks a week.

A week? What is that in Modelo's? Have you ever seen one of Paul's solo concerts? That's basically what he does is just masturbates in front of crowds for an hour. Here comes the sun. I thought you guys would all do it together. No, you guys don't come together ever?

All right. Another Beatles joke. Only one of their more famous songs. So Manolo, how many times... You guys all right back here? Is everything okay? Are you guys losing your fucking minds? Are you listening to another show?

That's literally the drum fill. Okay, okay, okay. No, I get it. That's what it was. Perfect. We're all on acid. Manola, how many times do you have to masturbate to make $700 in a week? Is that like 10 times a day? No, no, no. Once a day. Once a day. But you keep going.

Is there a certain time of the day that you choose? Are you like the morning radio guy? Like, whoa! look out, whoa. We are jerking off this morning. Alooga. More of the night guy, like, welcome to my webpage. I hope you're having a good night. Nighttime?

Yeah, nighttime. Oh, look at you. Anybody ever fall asleep watching you? I bet. Go ahead, John Lennon. I like how this guy literally makes content, but he still didn't say it. I call it content.

Do you ever do anything special when you're masturbating for the people? Like you ever have like a confetti cannon go off when you come or anything like that? You ever try to tell like a joke or something? No, no. I got into it from a girl. She was a Polish girl and she wanted me to translate

so she invited me and then I got hooked. And then you got hooked on it. Yeah. Do you have that pink thing that you put inside you every time somebody No, sir. But I know what you're talking about. Do you want to pink thing that you put inside you every time somebody No, sir. I don't know what you're talking about. Do you want to explain to the people? I love that all the pigs on this show just

leave these little seeds for four. So they have this rechargeable pink thing that women usually put in, but some guys put in their ass when they masturbate. Or in the dick hole. It has this little tail that comes out. It's a pink tail. It looks like you have a rat tail coming out of you. And every time you tip, it vibrates.

And if you tip more, it vibrates more. There you go. It's always good to find out what's happened. The reasons why this episode is always uploaded four days after Monday, everyone. It's good to know what Red Band's up to, watching the old pink tail hanging out of some dude's asshole. I just donated $200 to Trump 2020 while we were sitting here.

I was gonna ask if you've ever come on a picture of Trump or if people pay more for that. I bet they would. You've never come on anything interesting? What do you finish? Oh, your belly. One time.

Oh, you came. My eye. One time. Oh, you came in your eye. I didn't want to. Eye, eye, eye. John Lennon. Can I just say what an honor it is for me to come back to life to be a part of this show this evening?

Yes, sir. I love it. All right, Manolo. Well, that's very interesting. You are the first time we've ever had a male jack-off guy. What's the proper term? What's your most professional term? Shatterbait content creator.

All right. There he goes, everyone. I haven't kissed a girl in L.A. I don't believe that for a second, you dirtball. Just wanted to get that out there. There you go. go jerk off somewhere there he goes Manolo everybody his first time ever on stage come on

just cause he masturbates for a living doesn't mean he doesn't deserve a round of applause give this guy a hand and he will use it to jerk himself off alright this is a fun part of the show, ladies and gentlemen. We have, before we get back to the bucket one last time, we do have a third regular,

everybody. An absolute fucking sensation taking over the world one episode at a time. We absolutely love him. There's nothing else like him in the world. Over 20 years of improvisational black belt award-winning

chicago improv fucking guy and uh just started stand-up a few months ago after being recently diagnosed with lou gehrig's disease and he's absolutely fucking hilarious make some noise for our third regular the the great Michael Lair, everybody. Make some noise for Michael Lair, everyone. The doctor said it's six months. I'll be a brain in a jar the fucks oh

ALS has been around for 150 years and the only medicine they have is sitting what the fuck hey and the only medicine they have is sitting. What the fuck?

Hey, I have painful muscle cramps all day. If this is what pussy cramps feel like, then every woman should be president. Dating is hard. Your girlfriend can leave you. Mine can leave me in the desert. Mine can leave me at a check- checking box in the valley. Wow.

Wow. Wow. That stone cold look in his eye. The great Michael Lair, everybody. My life is a nightmare. What's going on? Why is it a nightmare? I'm melting, you fucking idiot. My

cells are dissolving. What's the matter? Oh, you know, I messed up a cake today. I'm dying! I love it, man. I absolutely love it. One of the funniest running jokes.

I can't wait until episode 500 when he gets up and starts doing jumping jacks, and it's like, fuck you. I'm famous. He's committed to this bit. He really is. He's like, fuck that ice bucket challenge. I'll just do it for a year, make everyone think I have it. He's committed to this bit. Yeah, he really is. He's like, fuck that ice bucket challenge. I'll just do it for a year, make everyone think I have it. Yeah.

No doubt. Yeah, man. It's the only way for my white ass to get a job anymore. Is what? Is to do what? Pretend I bail us. I love it. What's been going on in life, Michael?

You do anything cool since last week or anything like that? Yeah, I'm secretly a superhero named Manuel. I can operate any machine simply by reading its owner's manual. Wow, that's an interesting one. I thought you were like the leader of the X-Men or something like that. Hey, can I say something? Absolutely. When I did the Ice House, Brian Ray Benson, how's your MLS?

I don't have major league soccer. You thought it was MLS? I'm not sponsored by Herbal Life. Did I really say MLS? Yeah. I've been sitting on that for like two months. Wow.

And I sit a lot. What? Where did I lose you, Tony? It was actually the second word. I literally didn't hear it. I said a lot. Oh, you said a lot, yes. Yeah.

I fucking sucks. Guess I'm born sin all the time. Yeah. I love you. I always wondered what the rest of Forrest Gump was like, and now I'm figuring it out each week. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, man.

Jenny is so fucking hot, though. How's your son? Your son moved out here with you? He's 21 years old. Everything good there? Yeah, he gave up Derry and Reese's Puffs and Fruity Pebbles. He's becoming a real Hollywood sword boy. What do you like to eat for breakfast?

I don't like to eat. I just drink coffee and smoke weed and tan and then I just want to look hot as fuck for every Monday. Yeah, no, that's true. It works out well. So what do you do? What do you do?

You just eat lunch and dinner? Yeah. Two meals and four wheels. That's what's going on. I'm meals on wheels. What else is shaking? Anything else crazy in life? Everything else is good?

I'm wearing two watches. Oh. Why? I'm like, you know, I'm celebrating on my success. Fuck yeah. One doesn't work.

Right. It's more of a bracelet. That makes sense. That makes sense. You also don't have two hands that work properly. No. Look. That's as

good as it gets. Yeah, there's something that gets sad about me. No, I don't think so. Are you guys sad about Michael? You guys love Michael? This is L.A. They forgot you're here. They're horrible people.

Alright, guys. Next week I'll show them the microphone back up your ass. All right. They're horrible people. All right, guys. Next we go, shove the microphone back up your ass. There you go. And there's a little touch of red band there at the end there. A little bit of the always classic. How about one more time,

good and loud for Michael Lehrer, everybody. Michael Lehrer. Stay up here, Michael. Stay up here. All right alright back to the bucket we go you guys want to go to this bucket one more time and end this thing huh guys there's no energy in this room right now should we go to the bucket one more time

one more time try to give people a fucking hour and a half long live podcast. All right, let's see what happens here. Make some noise for your next comedian. You like that one speech impediment, man? Why are you laughing so hard at it?

You like it when I get mad? Why do people like that so much? It's so interesting to me. Okay, okay. You saw too much speech impediment, man. That was VIP that we let you in here that early. You're not supposed to report what you saw on an operation. Yes, we argue.

We've been working together for over... Oh, fuck. God, six and a half years. Way too long. This is why rock and roll bands don't work out, is what you're seeing. Okay. Your final comedian of the night

goes by the name of Luke Sabas everyone Luke Sabas let's see if they're here oh there he is one more time for Luke Sabas everyone I just want to put one thing out there

even though I may look like it. I am not a serial killer. Sorry. Yeah, I had a big birthday a couple months ago. I turned 45 in November. 2007. 2007 12 years ago November 24th 2007

I quit drinking and December 2nd 2007 I resumed drinking because I'm not a quitter and I like to have a drink now and always a friend of mine told him, confronted me,

said, you know, you got a drinking problem. I said, no, I got a drinking solution. Yeah, one part vodka, two parts vodka from a new bottle. Problem solved. Yeah. Police officer pulled me over. He wanted to give me a sobriety test. I passed.

Out, out. Fuck yeah, Luke Savitz. All right. Luke Savitz. Hey. Ooh. Sounds good. Welcome, Luke.

How are you? I'm all right. Fuck yeah. Look at this. This is like if The Undertaker had anorexia. Very exciting stuff, Luke. First time doing stand-up? No.

No? I've been doing it for a little while. How long have you been doing it for? You almost started crying there when I asked you that. I've been doing it a little while. About a year. About a year. Okay.

That's not that long. That's not that bad. All here in Los Angeles? Yes. Is this where you're from? Yes. No. From New York. from New York.

From New York. I could feel that. You have those energies for sure. Absolutely. Could you feel the New York on this guy, Tim Dillon? Well, I felt the New York correctional facility. Have you ever been in jail? No, I haven't.

Never? Really? What a liar. I feel like you would go and visit jail just to rape other men. You ever do that? You ever just say, no, I'm just here to visit a friend. No. Bring a bar of

soap and then throw it on the ground and then buttfuck whoever picks it up, right? Nope. Okie dokie. What do you do other than comedy? What's that? What do you do other than comedy? I wanted to do... I wrote... made a film that was a drama and I wanted to kind of get a little more into writing. What's that? What do you do other than comedy? I wrote and made a film that was a drama. I wanted to get a little more into writing. What was it about?

It's called Missing Child. Missing Child. Are you sure you didn't write it and it's a documentary? You have a real happy energy, don't you? I do. It's called Missing Child. Jesus Christ. It was not a comedy.

It was not a comedy. What was it about? It was about Missing Child. Jesus Christ. It was not a comedy. It was not a comedy. What was it about? It was about a missing child. Like I tell you, it's about a woman who finds out she resembles an age-progressed picture

of a missing child. Oh. That's actually interesting. Yeah. That is interesting. It sounds like someone else made that, but that's...

Well, I made it a few years ago. You look like every guy that gets killed by John Wick. Hey, that's fair. He looks like he spells Cuckoo Cachoo with

three K's. Oh my god. Jesus Paul McCartney. What's the name of this movie? Missing Child. Where can we find it at? Amazon. Amazon, wow. How much is it to rent it? Probably donation base.

You give what you want. My favorite thing is watching the look of disgust on Michael Laird's face watching this guy perform up here. Your look of... The look you give these people. No, I wasn't listening. Thank you.

I was thinking about how horrible my life is this is one of the try to throw your ALS at him if you can try to somehow oh man I can't hear you from the handicap

section we've actually Oh, man. I can't hear you from the handicap section. We've actually brought up some of the actual, this is honest, Amazon reviews of your movie, Missing Child. First one, 2017, five stars. This movie gave me goosebumps and kept me guessing right to the end. The music added to the suspense. Not a sleeper for sure.

Go watch it. I'm guessing that one's from you. The one after that, one star. Two people found this helpful. And the review says, don't waste your time with this one, ellipses. One star

from Jacqueline Hawley in October 2018. She said, poorly written. Two stars. That's better. We're at an improvement. And also just two words they left. Time wasted. Poorly written. Must have been written by Ringo.

Oh, my goodness. These Beatles just keep taking shots at one another. Oh, goodness. These Beatles just keep taking shots at one another. Oh, wait. What? All right. This one here. One star from Carol Romer.

It says, audio was totally out of sync with the video. That was incorrect. Hey, shut the fuck up. Hey, that was incorrect. You're doing exactly what is wrong with your movie. That's bad audio technique to talk over the host. Audio was totally out of sync. Kind of odd seeing lips moving and sound later.

What happened there? That was not true. It was whatever that person said. Hold on a second. You're calling Carol Romner a liar? I am. Oh, wait. There's two comments underneath. That one says legitimate comment, and that is frustrating, but out of sync, unsynchronized.

There's another one. We apologize for the audio. Oh, wait. This is you. Missing child movie. You responded. We apologize for the audio problem, Carol. The audio on the film uploaded to Amazon was in sync, so we have to investigate further

why this is happening. Could you please tell me which version of the film you were watching? Was it the full feature film or the web series? So what happened? Are you that guy? I don't remember responding, honestly. Oh, okay. Sorry. It was back in 2017. It's okay.

Thank you. If I read reviews of my special, it would be just as frightening right now. I'm kidding. So, Luke. What do you say? We pull up reviews. There you go. Very good. And Luke. What do you say? We pull up our meetups. Okay. There you go.

Very good. And Luke, anything else we should know about you or your life or anything like that? What's that? Anything else we should know about you or your life or hobbies or anything? I like to play music, but that's, you know. What kind of music do you play? I play rock music. What kind of rock music?

What instruments do you play? I play guitar. Yeah. I play a little piano. Yeah. What kind of songs do you What instruments do you play? I play guitar. I play a little piano. What kind of songs do you play on guitar? You know, rock songs. Do you sing at all? A little bit.

A little bit? If we put that mic in a mic stand and you grabbed a guitar, could you bring us home tonight, you think, with a little something? Yeah! Luke, can we find out if you're a better musician than comedian? If you could play a single chord, you're a better musician than comedian? If you could play a single chord, you're a better musician than you are a comedian.

Come on, Luke. Come on. If you've read your Amazon reviews, you know how hard art is. Do you know any songs by the Beatles? Oh, wow. Look at that. Could be something really special.

Oh, he looks so much better with the low light. Got this? Maybe we... Get back? You guys don't get back? He's going to lead them in perhaps a little... Can we get some volume on that? There we go.

That's a little bit better. Oh, he's teaching himself how to play guitar right now. Live, only on Kill Tony can you see brands and content like this. You got it. Believe in yourself. Just breathe. Breathe in through your nose and out of your mouth. JoJo was a man who

thought he was a woman. And knowing the wicked Hey, here we go. Everybody. Get back, get back to where you belong. Sweet Loretta Marlin thought she was a woman, but she was another man. Those that are her, they say she got it coming, but she gets it while she can. Get back, get back, get back to where you all belong. Get back, get back, get back to where you all belong. Yeah.

Yeah. Fuck yeah. Wow. There you go. Get back is what the police tell you when you get within 500 feet of a school, right? Yeah. Get back in the audience. Yeah, for sure. I think that's the move.

Luke, thanks for signing up. Thanks for coming up. How about a big hand for Luke Sabas, everybody? Luke Sabas comedy. Here comes the drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. If there's a God, he'll get ALS, you know? MLS. Guys, how about a big hand for'll get ALS, you know? MLS. Guys, how about a big hand for the great Tim Dillon, everybody? Cancel your family tour. TimDillonComedy.com.

He's going all around everywhere. You can get a hoodie like this. The great I Love Daddy. TimDillonComedy.com. No doubt about it. Tim, anything you want to say? No, that's it. Thank you.

Look at this amazing drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. Well, you sat there doing nothing. Ryan J. drew that. Well, you sat there doing nothing. Ryan J. drew that. Very exciting stuff. We're going back to Swansea. If you're anywhere around the East Coast, we're right between Providence and Boston this Saturday doing a massive-sized Kill Tony and a massive stand-up show.

And then back out we go. La Jolla, Tacoma, Skankfest, Boston, and Austin. So, so, so much fun. Next week, the great Donnell Rawlings for the very first time. I know him very well, and I think he's going to be absolutely so much fun on this show. A great, great fucking

comedian. Awesome times. How about a big hand for the great Jeremiah Watkins, everybody? That's John Lennon. In the flesh. Jeremiah stand-up in the flesh. Jeremiah stand up on social media. Jeremiah Wonders is his podcast. Who you got

this week? Eric Griffin is the guest this week. Very exciting. Follow Jeremiah Watkins on YouTube and on all social media sites. Very, very exciting stuff. I'll be headlining in Albany, New York this weekend as well as San Antonio, Texas the following weekend.

I want to give all my love and one more round of applause for Jesse Johnson, our newest member. You'll never believe it. You'll never believe it, but I was just going to do that because I host the show. Guys, come on. Jesse Johnson, everybody. The newest band member. You're so weird.

Jesse, come on say something give a speech you're the newest band member of the first ever female full time band member on this show I just want to say it's such an honor to be here tonight it really is and Swansea I can't wait to see you and shout out to my sweet mother

and you guys have been so good to me and your fans are unbelievable it's just the beginning kiddo just the beginning Can't wait to see you. And shout out to my sweet mother. And you guys have been so good to me. And your fans are unbelievable. It's just the beginning, kiddo. Just the beginning. Guys, you know him. You love him. He absolutely destroyed tonight.

The great Paul McCartney was really Chroma Chris the entire time, everyone. Chroma, what do you think about tonight's episode? Tony, it was unbeatable. Oh, my God. Oh, my Lord. Guys, the backbone on the drums. How about a big hand for the great Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody. Joel's an official Ludwig artist, just like Chroma is an official artist of Orange Amplifiers.

Joel is mostly sorry on all social media sites. Joel, anything? You know who else is an official Ludwig artist? Who? Ringo fucking Starr. Oh, wow. There you go. How about a big hand, guys,

for the great top-shelf brass band joining us tonight as a special surprise. Speech Impediment Man represent David Lucas, Michael Lair, and William Montgomery. And how about one more time for the Montgomery's, Larry and Francis. Heck yeah.

Hey, Tony. You gotta give them credit on the... They love the back end of the show. Yes. At Top Shelf Brass Band on Instagram. Give them a follow. They got a bunch of great videos on there. Hell yeah. Absolutely.

We love the Top Shelf Brass Band. Always a pleasure when they're here. And what else? Anything else? Red Band? Check out William Montgomery and David Lucas' podcast, Brothers in Cursive, DeathSquad.tv for all this shit. Thank you, guys.

TimDillonComedy.com. Tickets. Get it. Cancel your family. Truly one of the funniest comedians on the planet. Thank you guys so much. We did it again. Next week, Donnell Rawlings. Thank you. you Thank you.