KILL TONY - KILL TONY #439 - SWANSEA

Episode Date: March 2, 2020

Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 02/29/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Also, check out Tony's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his stand-up dates. So go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every single episode of Kill Tony. You can check out his website, RyanJEbelt.com.

He has posters, prints, he even has the Kill Tony book there. So check out RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, he even has the Kill Tony book there. So check out RyanJEbelt.com And last but not least, ShopSquad dot TV. There you have the official Kill Tony t-shirt, including Death Squad hats and shirts and mugs. Go to ShopSquad

dot TV, the official merchandise of Kill Tony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from Swansea. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony Hitchclap. It's been too long, Swansea. We're back.

Make some fucking noise. Yowie wowie. Look, everybody. It's Brian Redbands here. Hey, everybody. This is Quiet Mike. Maybe we can get it a little bit louder. Welcome, everybody, to beautiful Swansea, Massachusetts, for Kill Tony East Part 2,

everybody. We're back. Swansea, Massachusetts for Kill Tony East Part 2, everybody. We're back. We made a promise to you last time we were here that we would make a tradition out of this due to the delicious food and amazing hospitality, and we are back here, covered in chandeliers with a hot crowd with a lot of facial hair and a lot of layers of clothing, a lot of knit hats, hoodies, flannel, a lot of dressing safe. The panel of flannel back in beautiful Swansea. And you found

out about this show by listening to Kill Tony when we announced the dates in the beginning and that tradition continues now. La Jolla next week. I do an entire weekend of stand-up comedy, then two Kill Tonys. Tacoma we do two Kill Tonys. A show added to the sold-out show in Tacoma. Sold-out Kill Tonys at Skankfest South in Houston

Texas a show added to sold out Kill Tonys in Boston with me doing an entire weekend of stand up in Boston Massachusetts April 10th and 11th Kill Tonys on the 9th Moon Tower is perhaps

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You guys ready to jump into tonight's episode? Well, history is about to be made right here, right now, live. There's a band on this show, ladies and gentlemen. Every single episode they commit to being different characters or maybe it's the return of a famous character that we've seen before. This is an extremely special episode of this show

because this is the very first time that the newest member of the band Jesse Johnson will be on an official road show with the band. We've been having the time of our lives since we arrived. An unbelievable flight. We took a fancy stretch limousine all the way from Boston. Went

through the McDonald's drive-thru last night. A lot of leg rooms. Stayed at a fancy hotel. The Holiday Inn on, I probably shouldn't have told these thousand people where we're staying tonight. And because there's only one hotel in town, people. So if you're wondering, we're staying at the one hotel in town. But this is a very, very exciting moment in the history of the show.

This will be looked back upon forever and ever as Jesse Johnson's first episode. And there's also, of course, the great Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Ladies and gentlemen, with no further ado, I present to you the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jesse Johnson and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Let's find out what they are tonight. They were getting ready in a different dressing room than us. So let's see what's going to happen. Oh my goodness. Wow. Okay. All right. Cool. Hello.

Welcome to the show. How's it going? A little karate kick on your beer there. Welcome to the show. Jesse Johnson, what's your name? I'm surprised you don't remember me. I've been on the show a few times. I'm Jeremiah's sister, Phyllis Watkins. Oh, Phyllis Watkins is here. I don't even know Jeremiah. Phyllis Watkins. I just started Kung Fu. I'm kind of new.

I love it. And clearly back here we have Pai Mei. If he was a dirty Mexican Tourist Hello what's your name? I am Master Jim I have taken Phyllis Watkins under my wing Oh wow

Crane's wing if you will Oh okay Okie dokie Some real momentum coming from here Real momentum comes from within. Okay. Here you go, Joel Berg. So it has begun.

Phyllis Watkins, Master Jim. You have Red Band and his wacky soundboard, which brings me to this little tiny baby buoy. It's a bucket of destiny, everybody. Don't let its size fool you. This is small but mighty. I believe over 100, 150 about sign-ups here

tonight amongst this crowd of over 1,000. Give yourselves a hand for showing up so powerfully here tonight, by the way. Last year, there was a wall on that side, if you guys remember, but we have broken the walls down, as the great Chris Jericho would say. If I pull your name out of the bucket, that means you get to come up on this stage

and you get 60 seconds uninterrupted live on Kill Tony. Wrap it up in 60 seconds. You'll know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Finish up then or else you're going to bring out the angry P-Town Bear. Fuck yeah. People love it it and then we talk with you i interview you and try to find out more about you and your life and what makes you interesting the trick to having a successful interview on this show is by answering the questions honestly and giving us actual information when i ask you a question and the rest will be history you guys ready to start this fucking thing or what? Well,

with no further ado, that is it. Swansea. I'm going to ask you one more time. Are you ready to start this fucking show? How adorable is Phyllis Watkins? I know. Just a cutie pie. Better nose.

Yeah, it's so much better than looking over at Jeremiah's unlikable skull. Yeah. All right. Pull the name out of the bucket. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight and then talking with us about his life goes by the name of Peter Mullane. There's stairs on both sides, people. Stairs over there, stairs over here.

Make sure you don't trip over a cord on your way up. I think that might be him coming right there. There you go. Yep, that's him. Time to fight things this way, fast as lightning. One more time for Peter Mullane, everyone. Called up first. Thank you, God.

It might be hard for you to tell, but I'm Irish. That means I was born pissed off. Since I'm always pissed off, my hands, they just never stop shaking. They even shake here when I'm nervous. I'm nervous now. I get even more nervous when I have sex. My shaky hands, they make me look like a bitch. The last girl I was with, though,

she said she didn't mind because it reminded her of her vibrator but I think she was lying to me because now she's gone back to using her vibrator instead of using my hand I always see like those videos of like rich people going to the hood and building up like parks for you know poor people to play basketball and shit like that. But I think they're just in it for the long run. They're looking for the next Michael Jordan. I think slavery was something for the long run.

Without slavery, the U.S. would never win the Olympics. What the fuck just happened? My goodness. Just trying to win over the hometown crowd by going completely racist at the end. Bacon soda! God. Shout out to all my white people out there. I know there's not too many.

God. I've heard of white power, but you are whitest power. Goodness gracious. This is the first time we've had one of the Weas but you are whitest power. Goodness gracious. This is the first time we've had one of the Weasleys on this show before. Very exciting. You are one of the Carrot Top Young Rising comedians in the world. You're adorable, Peter. How old are you?

21. 21 years old. Just fucking gingered up. 21 years old, just fucking gingered up. Well, welcome, welcome, Peter. You're 21 years old. You going to school or something like that? Or what happened?

Did they just turn your college into a church here in Swansea? What's going on? I go to University of Rhode Island. University of Rhode Island. Fuck yeah. What are you studying there? Geology. Wow, geology.

Trying to figure out how to make the brown water clear again, huh? Rhode Island. My goodness. Do you live here in Swansea? No, I'm from New Jersey. Oh, New Jersey. Wow. My goodness. What part of New Jersey?

Bergen County. Ramsey is the town. Oh, yeah. Very fancy, that part of New Jersey. We all know that. My goodness. What part of New Jersey? Bergen County. Ramsey is the town. Oh, yeah. Very fancy, that part of New Jersey. We all know that. My goodness. So you didn't really fit in with, like, the Jersey Shore type of crew over there? Nah, too white for that. I didn't have the tan. No, I know. That was why that joke that I made. That's why I said it, because you don't seem like you would fit in with them. That's awesome, dude.

So you're 21 years old. What else about you? What are you into when you're not going to school? What are you into? What type of things do you do? Recently, it's kind of weird. I love it. That's great.

Good start. I've been getting deep into philosophy from the ancient Greeks and Indians. Tell us something cool that you've learned recently come on you got this is this New Jersey philosophy that we're talking about here I learned that meatballs weren't always round

the cavemen came in and fucking started rolling them what's your philosophy that you know of I mean the biggest thing is just like The cavemen came in and fucking started rolling them. What's your philosophy that you know of? I mean, the biggest thing is just like everything is one. Okay, dude. Clearly you came up here saying that you've been studying philosophy thinking you were going to bang one of these milfs in the front row over here. But this whole thing is backfiring when I asked you what you learned.

I know who knows some philosophy. Actually, I like it. Have you ever thought of doing Kung Fu? I have not. Well, talk to me after the show. Wow, Master Jim looking for a new student. Do you know any self-defense or anything like that? Have you ever been in any sports or anything?

Other than the game where you ride a broomstick chasing a ball around? Before you answer, date rape is not a sport. By the way, for those of you that haven't noticed, Master Jim, instead of raising his hand like he normally does, he goes full Kung Fu style with two fingers. Which brings me to my next question.

Have you ever fingered a girl before, Peter? I have. Oh, shit. Yeah, he fingers her like this. Have you ever fingered a girl before, Peter? I have. Oh, shit. Yeah, he fingers her like this. Hey. Wow. I did not see that coming. Don't bring that up.

My goodness gracious. So you have a girlfriend now? I do not. Yeah. So when's the last time? Have you ever had sex with a girl? Yeah. Just keep the microphone right next to you.

You don't have to put it down to your waist every time. Okay. Okay. All right there, Anthony Pretzel Neck. First time doing stand-up. First time doing stand-up. How about that? I didn't even get to ask you.

Didn't even get to ask you that. I'm so entertained by your charisma. You have this natural. That's good for your first time, man. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, it was good. So you don't have a girlfriend,

and you've had sex with a woman before, though. Yes, I have. With a condom on? Yes. Whoa. Yeah. Is that recent? Not recent.

Now, how long ago was that? It's been two years. It's been... Mm-hmm. It has. Did you pull out when you wore the condom? Feels like he would. I have before. Feels like he would pull out, take off the condom,

put another condom on, and finish inside of that condom. Then take that condom off, flush it down the toilet, and say, now you stay down there! Like that. Am I close to right about that? Somewhat close. Fuck yeah. What else? Other than studying philosophy, what else

do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of guy that likes taking sparklers from the 4th of July and lighting them in inappropriate places. I haven't lit any sparklers. How about other hobbies or fun things that you're known for around town or at school or anything like that? Mostly just video games. I got pretty good at those.

You got what at video games? I got pretty good at video games. Yeah? What's your favorite video game? NBA 2K. Wow. Look at that. You get to play basketball like a real man

on that game. Live my dream. Fuck yeah, dude. My goodness. Your parents both have red hair? What's the deal with that? My dad had strawberry blonde when he was younger and my mom had red hair when she was younger.

Wow, dad was strawberry blonde, mom had red hair. I have a cousin that's a ginger, and my sister's a ginger, too. Oh, your sister's a ginger. Wow. How old's your sister? She's 26. Uh-huh.

What does she do? She's an accountant. Yeah. Did she ever do anything to you when you were younger that you consider fucked up? Wait, why did you guys laugh at that? You guys made it dirty just by laughing there. I'm just talking.

I have asked you a question. Does her pubes match her hair? Sure, Brian. Get it out of your system. And now back to the question that I asked you a second ago. The dumb, stupid, stupid thing. She really did nothing crazy. The only thing she did was just give me money and then just take it back.

The old. Okay. Uh, my goodness. What's the word for that? Elizabeth Warren giver, right? Politics are in season right now.

People, you guys all got that. Okay. Very good. There you go. We're just, that was a Jewish song for an Indian reference, Brian. Just keeping you.

No, giving money and then taking it back seems very redheaded. Okay, boy, oh, boy. That's it. We already got a couple drinks in the system, everybody. That is liquor. This official sponsor of Brian Redband and his work ethic. So let's talk about it. Well, actually, you know what?

I'm about done with you, Peter. Good job for your first time. Did you ever work out? I was doing well, like, last year, but then I... How many of you want to see Peter take his hoodie off and flex for you? Huh? Anybody want to see? Come on. Why don't you do a little? Does anybody want to see? Come on.

Why don't you do a little body? Come on. Show these people your body. Flex for them. How many of you want to see him do it? Let Tony see it. Yes. Very good.

Nachos. Hey, I'll take some. some frank's red hot nah you're just gonna eat these boring nachos with no flavor frank it up frank it up this guy finally gets it it's the perfect blend of flavor and heat frank's red hot i put that on everything in today's economy saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping. Robo code searching. It takes skill. Speed. Sweat. Unless we're talking Kudo's new phone, internet, and streaming bundle. With the Happy Stack, you can sit back and stack up the savings on Kudo Internet,

a sweet phone plan, Netflix, Disney Plus, and Amazon Prime. All starting at just $99 a month. Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack. Only at Kudo. And it has begun. Swansea kill Tony number two. There goes Peter Mullane. That's the only way he could have closed with an applause that big. And that is how you host a fucking show right there. How about one more time for

Peter, his first time ever on a stage. Didn't want to take his shirt off, but god damn, if that didn't get the crowd moving. Alright, pulled a name out of the bucket. It's Black Sharpie, but it's no Aphrodite here tonight. Make some noise for Matthew Cookson, everyone.

Matthew Cookson. Here we go. Let's see if we have movement. Here comes Matthew. Here he comes. He's floating here. Built like a gentleman from Swansea, Massachusetts, coming out of the shadows.

How about a hand for the band, Jesse Johnson and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. And this is Matthew Cookson. Sure, go ahead. Go over there. Start the set, Matthew. One more time for Matthew, everybody. Hey. So this is also my first time on stage.

I'm a big stage like this. I've done open mics at the shitty dive bar right next to my apartment. And I might be a little nervous. But I got into comedy recently because I broke up with my high school girlfriend. She graduated. She graduated. It's been a little hard dating since then. And I've been hanging out with a woman recently.

And I can't even really say that we're dating. Oh, the mic is slipping down. But we hang out a lot, right? You know, like we hang out all the time. Every single time that we have sex. like every single time we have sex. She cries. And then one day, just completely out of the blue. She escaped. One more. You got another one that you want to do? I got one real quick.

Is it short? Yeah. Okay. This never goes well, I'm going to warn you. In the history of the show, never before is the person... All right, thanks, guys. No, go ahead. Now I want to know what it is.

Just do it. You might be the chosen one. I don't necessarily believe in hitting women, but... But... What if she was on fire? Or just being kind of a bitch? Okay.

The streak continues. Matthew Cookson, everybody. Welcome, welcome. That felt like all of that came from a very honest place I believe everything that you said up here Matthew She was very mean You're a real gentleman How many times have you been to jail? Like holding

Yeah holding everything Four All for drinking and driving All for public and driving? All for public intoxication? Public indecency. What was the public indecency? Tell us about that one.

The outfit you're wearing tonight? You got him. You roasted that hoodie and jeans, Master Jim. Wow, the fashion police over there, kung fu style. You got him, a hoodie and jeans and a hat. Target jeans. My goodness, Master Jim, you are on fire yourself. Be careful.

Okay, I don't think you need to keep doing Tai Chi. Okay, Master Jim. My joke was that it wasn't that good of a joke, but I guess you're still celebrating. Whoa, whoa, how do you do that? How's he doing that? Oh, my goodness. You better watch out. Flames will start coming out.

Oh, wow. My goodness gracious. Okay. All right. Have you watched it? So, okay, Matthew. Step back up to that microphone. So the public indecency, what happened there?

I was lying. I thought it sounded funny. Oh, okay. Don't lie. It's all domestic violence, right? Like for domestic violence. There you go. Breach of peace. Oh, okay. Don't lie. It's all domestic violence, right? Four domestic violence. There you go. Breach of peace. No domestic violence. Right. So what did you

really... Did you ever really go to jail or in a holding cell? Holding cell, for sure. How many times? Four times. So what were the four times for? Answer honestly this time. I'm telling you how to do a good job at this. I'm trying to help you. Public intoxication.

Breach of peace twice. What was the second one? Public intoxication. That was the first one. Breach of peace twice. What? Breach of what? It's like when you get into a fight in public, but they don't want to break your balls too hard.

They just give you breach of peace. So I got that twice. Breach of peace? I never even heard that. Is this here in Swansea? Good old Connecticut. Home of Stony Creek Brewery. Oh, wow. What a great plug. Shameless plug.

What a great plug after... I had some of that. It tastes like shit. There you go. Okay. So, Matthew, what do you do for work? You seem like a real working gentleman. You work at Stony Creek Brewery? Yes, I do. What do you do for work? You seem like a real working gentleman. You work at Stony Creek Brewery? Yes, I do.

What do you do there? They let him lick the tanks clean. Are you the one that put the diarrhea into the drink that I had? That's what it tasted like at Stony Creek Brewery. No regrets. Are you okay, Brian? I had some Stony Creek Brewery. No regrets. Are you okay, Brian? I had some Stony Creek Brewery today. I got a bunch in my car.

I could give you the shits again if you want. I don't really know what to do up here. Okay. Yeah. So what exactly do you do at Stony Creek Brewery? Are you the one that diarrhea is in the drink that Brian had today? That's exactly what I was just saying. I know. I heard it. I'm fully aware and paying attention to the show and the temperature in the drink that Brian had today? That's exactly what I was just saying. No, I know.

I heard it. I'm fully aware and paying attention to the show and the temperature of the room. I know. I'm making a joke because it didn't make any fucking sense. I'm just saying that Stony Creek is the worst thing I've ever had in my mouth. I see what you're doing, and I'm also noticing the reaction of how it's playing in the live room, and I'm trying to move on from it. So what exactly do you do at Stony Creek Brewery?

Tasting room manager. You're a tasting room manager. How do you get a job like that? You drink a lot of beer at Stony Creek Brewery, and eventually they give you keys to the building. How long did you have to drink beer there? About six months before I got hired part-time. My goodness.

So what, your friend just owns the business, basically? No, they actually hated me when I started going there because I used to work for a competing company. I've known you for three minutes and it makes complete sense to me. How about hobbies and things like that? What else do you do?

Big comic book nerd, play a lot of Magic the Gathering. Basically everything you can do to not get laid. Wow. But you still somehow get laid. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. That's interesting. You should try managing a brewery.

It works really well. It does. Okay. Yeah. Uh-huh. My God. I think you just admitted to getting women drunk. Yeah, are you the reason all the officers are here tonight?

Don't worry, gentlemen. I Ubered. Wow. That cop looks like he hates you. Look how angry that cop is in the doorway there. Just an outline of that guy. Looks like the guy that shot Jack Ruby back there. Look at that.

Look at that fucking guy. Oh, he made him laugh. I saw him hop up a second. My goodness, Matthew. So what would be something that we'd be surprised to know about your childhood? The way that you were brought up as a kid. Something interesting happened to you? Really loving mother.

Can I like pass on this one or plead the fifth? Oh, that rough of a childhood, huh? Humiliation. So tell us. I mean, you heard my jokes. It didn't go easy for me. Right, so what happened in your childhood?

Tell us something interesting about your childhood. Just tell us. Answer my fucking question now. This is where you start answering it is when I stop talking. I eventually, in the Boy Scouts, I got to the rank of Wee Blow. That was good.

So did I. Alright Matthew. There you go. Very good. Anything else interesting we should know about you? Other than the fact that you can't answer questions honestly and in a timely manner? I noticed you have a lot of tattoos. What's your best

tattoo? Or your worst best tattoo? Jesus fucking Christ. I have an insane clown posse tattoo that is made out of bacon. Okay, there he goes. Matthew Cookson, everybody. Matthew Cookson. There he goes.

Matthew, no. I have no desire to see that. R Cookson. There he goes. Matthew, no. I have no desire to see that. Rumpy Tony. Fine Red Band, after the show, he wants to see your bacon tattoo. He probably wants to taste it as well, is my guess. Yes. Is it Scratch and Sniff? That's funny.

Okay, this looks like a fun name. Make some noise for your next comedian, Lamb Benosky. Lamb Benosky. Lamb Benosky. Here he comes. Everybody's coming from that lucky side tonight. I believe that is the

Boston side of Swansea backwards. Here he is. Lamb Benosky, everyone. How's everyone doing tonight? Here he is, Lambinoski, everyone. Woo! How's everyone doing tonight? You know, I really hope I didn't get picked tonight, but, you know, here I am. So, my name's Lamb, as you all know.

It's not the greatest name, but it could be better. It's not my actual name, you know. It happened when I was about 15, 16. As you can probably tell, I smoke a little bit of weed here and there. It's, you know, kind of obvious. So when I was like 15 or 16, I was smoking, getting a little high. My buddy goes, hey, you look like a fucking lamb. I'm calling you fucking lamb from now on.

And it stuck. I mean, it could have been a worse fucking nickname, right? I mean, you know, I don't have any fucking tall features, you know, I can't play basketball or nothing like that, but hey, I'll fucking take a nice furry little lamb. Uh, shoot. Yeah. Don't really know what to talk about now but

wow Lamb Banoski that was just pretty fucking bad I I gave it all my

I didn't even want to get pulled up I don't even know how this happened I signed up and didn't want to get pulled up. I don't even know how this happened. I signed up and didn't want to get pulled up, and here I am. So my name's Lamb. Someone called me a lamb, and fuck, I'm fucking out of material now.

What the fuck was that, dude? Let's check in with Master Jim. Tony, I absolutely love something about this guy. Thank you. My favorite part was when he said, it's not the best name, but it could be better. It's not the greatest name, but it could be better. I'm going to put that on every fortune cookie

I ever make from now on. I want credit for that, though. Put my name on it, please, at least. This isn't the greatest set, but it could be better. My goodness, Lamb. You definitely could have shaved off some of those extra words you had in that set. Wow.

Lamb, huh? Yes, sir. What do you do for work, Lamb? I am currently jobless, but I was a machinist. You were a machinist? Yes, sir. My goodness. Wow.

How long were you a machinist for? Nine and a half years. Nine and a half years. Then what happened? I got laid off. You got laid off? Why? Because you worked at the mall?

I wish. The local mall that just got shut down? Perhaps you worked at the Brayton Point Power Plant? No. Hot Topic, actually. Hot Topic? You worked at Hot Topic? Oh, hell no. Oh. You were a machinist at Hot Topic, actually Hot Topic? You worked at Hot Topic? Oh, hell no

Oh, you're a machinist at Hot Topic Hey, where do you think they got the lip rings from? Hey, where the fuck are they getting the fucking lip rings from? It's me, Lamb What the fuck? Not only do I look like a fucking lamb I sound like a lamb Shut up

Shut the fuck up Lamb, you have a girlfriend? No, I do not I sound like a... Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Lamb, you have a girlfriend? No, I do not. No, there's no fucking little Mary walking around. Mary did not have a little lamb, unfortunately. I'm looking for a little lamb chop as we speak, you know? Her fleece was as white as snow.

Get the fuck out of here, you fucking Mary. Everywhere that she went, I fucking went with her. I was sure to go, you motherfucking mutt. Give us my fucking money. Wow. So, Lamb, how are you surviving if you're jobless right now? What's going on? I invested when I was young and have money in my savings. What did you invest into?

Myself. My bank account. Yeah, you invested in yourself. I think you mean you saved money. I invested into myself. My fucking checking account. Savings. Oh, look at you.

Big difference there. Because one, if you don't touch it, the money just disappears into nowhere land. So let's talk about it. How much money did you save? Tell the truth. About five grand. Wow. Yeah, that's enough to live off of.

No need to ever look for work again. Everyone knows if you got five grand, you're fucking good. You got a house, kids, anything. More lip rings. You lose a lip ring, you get lip rings for life. Or one MacBook. What did you say, Lamb? I can't sell lip rings. You lose a lip ring, you get lip rings for life. Or one MacBook. What'd you say, Lamb? I can't sell lip rings.

I know. Makes me. What would you be without those two fucking lip rings? I already sold my fleece, as you can see. Do you ever think if you almost run out of money you could just pawn the lip rings? I hope so. Wow, what's your favorite?

Ding! Master Jim, I forgot that you do that That's right What was the company that you worked for as a machinist Like why did you get laid off It was mostly because of the price of metal I worked for New England Welding in Avon, Mass What's your favorite kind of Oxycontin

The one they throw in the toilet You ever do any serious drugs like that before? Not that far. No, not that one. Weeds about the farthest I go. Weeds about as far as you go. All right, that's fun. How about in life?

Any hobbies or anything like that that you're proud of? Anything that you do? I play the drums here and there. I mean... Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What do you mean here and there? I haven't played for a while, but I used to play like four or five solid years.

What do you mean you used to? Are you any good at it, you think? I was pretty good. You were pretty good? Do you think, is it like riding a bicycle for you, or what do you think it is? I hope so. I mean, look at what's happening. Look, you're tempting the devil himself.

Look at Phyllis Watkins over there ready to defend her master's throne. Everyone is kung fu fighting. I mean, Master Jim's gaping asshole is in the air right now. Hey, don't tell me with a good time. Do you think you could still play? I mean, I could try. I mean, we know you could try. You think you can actually challenge Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez right here, right now?

Are you talking fucking shit? I could try, but he looks like he knows his shit. I don't think so. I don't think we're going to do it. I'm not feeling enough confidence from Lamb. You know, so many people on the internet say that, fuck Joel, he didn't even win this one, he didn't win that one. Meanwhile, we're at all these live shows,

and it takes a lot to even compete with Joel, not to mention for him to beat everyone's ass that he's ever come across. And you just don't have any confidence. Or is that just who you are? You play humble, and you're one of those... I'm just a very humble guy, I guess. Oh, okay. Well, in that case, let's have a Mexican drummer. Come on. play humble and you're one of those. He's a very humble guy I guess. Oh okay well in that case let's have a Mexican drummer. I think you guys know how this goes. If he's playing cool and can actually play the

drums we might actually have a little challenge on our hands here. So he's gonna do a drum solo and you know how it works. You have a chance of becoming the full time drummer of this show. If you happen to win this, that means you fly to Los Angeles with us at 6.30 tomorrow morning. You are on

Monday's show with Donnell Rawlings. You travel the world with us. We have shows coming up in Tacoma, La Jolla, Boston, Houston, and Austin, Texas, and more dates being announced on the regular. Okay?

If you win, you're the new drummer, and it happened here in Swansea, Massachusetts. However, I must warn you that no one in the history of this show has ever beaten Joel Berg. You're allowed to use the stage. You're allowed to be funny for the first time tonight in any way. If you choose to, you're allowed to use your drumming solo skills And any comedy that you want to use in any way shape or form to your advantage Do you understand ladies and gentlemen? This is a Mexican drum off And going for the throne this is lamb Banosky. All right.

Well, definitely humble, but also just sort of just okay on the drums as well. Sounded like a ringtone. Okay. Well, that was Lambinoski. He chose to a little bit of a jazzy, very mellow drum set that that was. And also, you didn't do anything comedic during it at all. And you will probably pay the price for that. Ladies and gentlemen, this gentleman went from not having

a passport and not being known at all in the comedy world to traveling the entire globe with us doing sold out shows all over Australia, Ireland, England, and every major city in the United States of America and Canada. He was a little Mexican boy

when we found him. And we've turned him into an absolute superstar. He is undefeated all time in Mexican drum-offs. He's never lost. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one, the only, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Here he comes. He's coming in the room right now.

The crowd is going wild. He's got his middle fingers up in the air he's the beard is gone he seems to be oh my god oh my god he's fear oh my god what is this the crowds going wild oh Oh, my God. Look at this. He's got the purple dildo. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Oh, shit.

Ladies and gentlemen, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Wow. Oh, shit. I don't think he's done. Oh, he's moving the mic stand. Wow! Oh, shit. I don't think he's done. Oh, he's moving the mic stand. What is he doing? He's got the purple dildo on. Wait a second. Oh! He's got the dildo in his mouth.

Oh, my God. The crowd is in shambles right now, holding on to each other for dear life. Oh, my God. He's on the base drum. Oh. I don't even know what he was trying to do there. He's injured also, by the way. Oh, my goodness.

Yes, he's also. Psych. Psych. I shook his hand. He thought I also, by the way. Oh my goodness, yes, he's also. Psych! I shook his hand, he thought I meant it. What a fucking idiot! Wow! My goodness, that was a drum off if there ever barely was one.

How many of you, I still have to ask by default on this show, because we are fair and balanced like Fox News. How many of you have Lambinoski winning that drum off? Wow. All right. It seems like you have somewhat of a chance here.

How many of you have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez winning that? What is he doing? What is he doing? What are you doing? Oh! He just stood on his bass drum and put his foot behind his head. Purple Dildo and all. Ladies and gentlemen, and still

the drummer of Kill Tony, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody. And there he goes. Congratulations on your first time on stage. There goes Lambinoski, everybody. And there he goes. Congratulations on your first time on stage. There goes Lambinoski, everybody. Mary went, Mary went,

step back from that ledge, my friend. The lamb was sure to go, go. Oh, that sucks. If I don't understand your handwriting, you don't get on stage. Sucks to be you, idiot. Want to travel the world?

International Experience Canada provides opportunities for young Canadians to get a work permit in over 35 countries and territories. Visit Canada.ca slash IEC. A message from the Government of Canada. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Andrew Briggs, everybody. Andrew Briggs. Andrew Briggs. Where's Andrew Briggs. Andrew Briggs. Where's Andrew Briggs at? Is that Andrew questioning his life right now?

Oh, Jesus Christ. Nope. All right. Now he has to take a shit. There you go. Okay. That's all right. Andrew's probably out there smoking a Marlboro Red

like a real Swansea resident. On to the next one. John Wayne Pinckney. John Wayne Pinckney. You are next. Here he comes. Same corner. Macho man.

I want to be a macho man. One more time for John Wayne Pinkney. They say that there is a place for everything and everything in its place. Yet there is no good place to masturbate in public. People don't trust anymore. People have lack of trust in everything. Politics, institutions like marriage that are in decay people don't trust the news media

at this point in my life I have zero trust in my farts as I get older I know that my family's been screwed up. All right, that's it. I'm out. Wow. Macho man.

All right, John Wayne Pinckney, leaving the space for laughter that did not exist after each joke. A very rare maneuver that we see here on Kill Tony. I don't know if you think we fill that in in the post-production of the show or something like that, but nope, that's all natural, or it doesn't happen at all, my friend, but you left it there.

Like, it was a taping for The Tonight Show or something like that. Perhaps a new Comedy Central special. That's what they have you do. They have you perform in front of audiences that have no idea where they're at for like 40 bucks. So they tell you to just commit to your jokes

like there's laughter there. But there's not actually laughter there. But then they put it in in editing. And that's how that works for those of you that have seen a recent Comedy Central special. Because they don't know the comedian that's performing so they don't have a fan base to perform in front of.

That's how they make decisions nowadays. Just a little insider information on how the current business model is working. Anytime you see someone that you don't know doing a special, that's because you don't know them. Which brings me to you. You're the first person that's made me give out that information on this show because you left spaces for laughter like there was laughter. John Wayne Pinckney, was that your first time ever doing stand-up?

Yes, sir. Congratulations for that. I think you finally found a place where you can masturbate in public. You just did it for 60 seconds because you only pleased yourself during that. But it's very exciting during this busy time to have Pete Buttigieg's boyfriend up here. Exciting stuff, John Wayne. What part of town are you from?

Well, South Kingstown. East Greenwich is where I live. East Greenwich, Connecticut. East Greenwich, Rhode Island. Oh, Rhode Island. Oh, okay. Total different market value there between those two places.

I got excited because Greenwich, Connecticut is where one of my role models, the great Vince McMahon, lives. I don't know if you know anything about him, but Greenwich, Rhode Island is where nobody I've ever heard of is from. East Greenwich. East Greenwich. It's all right. What's that like? Tell us about it. It's got a lot of people that have money.

Does everybody look like you? Does everybody look like a college woman's basketball coach? It's one of the queer eye guys. Exactly. What do you do for work, John Wayne? I've been in sales most of my life, selling computer components and stuff now. Yeah, selling half-written jokes tonight.

Half-written jokes, yes, sir. I love it. Computer components. Yeah, environment monitoring, temperature stuff. It's silly. Oh-ran jokes. I love it. Computer components. Yeah, environment monitoring temperature stuff. It's silly. Oh my goodness. Very exciting. Master Jim, what did you think about this guy? This guy looks like the sprint guy and Jared from Subway made a test tube baby.

That's true. Somehow he's creepier than both. Can you fear me now? Very exciting. So you're selling computer parts. What do you do for now? Very exciting. So you're selling computer parts. What do you do for fun? You seem like you're on a bowling team, something like that, a bumper bowling team perhaps?

Golf. No, not that exciting. Golf, that's it? Yeah, the most exciting thing about my life is I took a bath with Jenna Vannoy. My family ran a McDonald's franchise for several years, 20 years, and something else. A lot of fans of McDonald's franchise for several years, 20 years, and something else. A lot of fans of McDonald's out here. So you took a what? A bath?

I took a bath with Jenna Vannoy from Six. Who is that? She was Blossom's friend. Blossom's friend? Not even Blossom? No, Blossom's friend. I was a toddler at the time. She was a porn star's friend.

So you were a toddler, and you took a bath with? Jenna Vannoy, who was Blossom. What was her character's name? Six. Oh, okay. I think I had a crush on her when I was a little kid, I'm pretty sure. Six? Yeah, the little, she sort of looked Latino-ish, right?

Like sort of brunette? I don't remember. I was three years old. How did you end up in a bath with her at three? My mother and her mother were friends, and they threw us in a bath together because we were... How old were you, like 21, and she was like three? Three, yeah.

You were three, but how old was she? Because you seemed like you'd be older than her. My toddler game is still really strong. Oh, okay. Wow. You're creepy as fuck. So you're married? Yes, sir.

How long have you been married for? Two and a half years. Two and a half years. Where'd you meet your wife at? San Diego. What were you doing there? Sales for a yellow page company named Yellow Book. Oh, wow.

I'm surprised that's no longer in business. It's weird. Yeah. So she was working in sales as well? No, she was a nanny. Uh-huh. Was she your nanny? Only if I was lucky.

Wait, I didn't know John Wayne Gacy was married. It's Pinkney. married. Pinkney. John Wayne Pinkney. Oh, yeah, by the way, my family was on the... You could also get confused for John Wayne Bobbitt since he also seems like he doesn't have a cock. Seem like every John Wayne except for the actual John Wayne. Topical.

So, yeah. What's a fun fact about you that we'd be surprised to know? My family's name is on the Constitution twice. Why? Only one to have it twice because racism. What's the name? Pinkney? Pinkney?

Pinkney. Yeah, pink like the color knee. So your ancestors, what were they doing? How did they end up with their name on the Constitution twice? Explain it a little bit better. A lot of blowjobs. That's how they got the Pinkney name. Hey. Uh-oh.

There she is. Phyllis Watkins is here. Do you know anything about your family history, how they did that, or what part they played in the Constitution? Yes, there were cousins, senators. Charles Cotsworth Pinckney was one. One was a Spanish ambassador for the United States of America.

There's two. What'd the other one do? Senator ambassador. Okay. Yeah, it sucks, I know. I'm sorry. Well, John Wayne, you gave it a shot.

I did. You talked about masturbating in public and... Molesting children. Farts or something, right? Something about farts. Very interesting stuff. You tried your absolute best. I believe that was

as good as you possibly ever could have done. I believe that. But no, congratulate. You're a fan of the show. Huge fan. Four or five years listening. And this is your first time signing up? Second. And hopefully your last as well. No, I'm kidding, John.

You ever do open mics anywhere else? No, I have not. Right. You think you're going as well. No, I'm kidding, John. You ever do open mics anywhere else? No, I have not. Right. You think you're going to start after this? I would like to. Should I? I don't know if you should or you shouldn't. I'm not really the one that likes to decide that.

I make jokes sometimes saying that people shouldn't. But in all reality, if it's something that you actually want to do, if it's something that you want to get better at, if it's something that you actually want to do if it's something that you want to get better at I would figure out a way to talk about your actual life and actual perspective on something because people, unless the jokes are extremely hilarious it's hard to keep attention talking about masturbating and public and farts

and like, you know, desperate sort of like unconnective stuff like it's a silly subject so when you have a silly subject you have to have a really funny punchline. You know what I mean? Whereas the other way, if you talk about something serious,

you can work with it, if that makes sense. But you have to hit home runs if you're going to go into that territory. That's good advice. Thank you. There you go. John Wayne Pinckney, everybody. Sure. A fist bump for John Wayne Pinckney.

All right. One fell out here. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for your next. You guys having fun out there? All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Ryan Donovan. Ryan Donovan. Ryan Donovan.

Ryan Donovan. Ryan Donovan. Huh. Here he comes. I see it. There's forward movement. That guy is coming to the stage. By the way, way less flannels this year. Like last time was all flannels.

I think we changed the fashion of Swansea with our last appearance here. We did take a group picture with about 85 men that had flannels. I think we changed the fashion of Swansea with our last appearance here. We did take a group picture with about 85 men that had flannels on. Hey, here's your next comedian, Ryan Donovan, everybody. Come on, make some noise. If a woman identified as a man, does that make her a better driver? Right into the

tip? Jesus, fuck. If a woman identified as a man, does that make her a better driver? Right into the tip? Jesus, fuck. If a woman identified as a man, does that make her a better driver? Not if she's Asian. I love new moms. New moms are the best. They always have the best words for everything. They always add I-E's at the end of everything.

Like, my baby's got boogies. Or maybe, oh, it's just made a little bit of pee-pees. But you think just once when they were changing that diaper that that baby just fucking pre-me'd all over the place and that mom was like, oh my god, Mike, get in here. Little Jeffrey just made his first cummies. What?

I can't hear you. It was a baby cum joke. So yes, this is obviously my first time gripping this mic. So anyways, are all the handicapped spots... Damn, I fucked that one up. Okay. There you go. Take that mic out, dude.

Yeah. Remove it from its mic stand. Hold it a little bit like this. Move towards the middle of the stage, please. Yeah. Remove it from its mic stand. Hold it a little bit like this. Move towards the middle of the stage, please. Yeah. Take a few steps over there. Okay. So welcome, Ryan.

How are you doing, sir? Pretty decent. Pretty decent. Having a good time. Fuck yeah. I'm glad. I'm glad that you're happy. So let's talk about it.

That was your first time on stage, as you said. Oh, definitely. Indeed. Which brings me to a good point that I'm noticing here. You don't need to mention that during your set unless that's a setup for a joke. I will get to the fact that

it's your first time on stage. It makes you sound like you're in desperate need of sympathy if you say it during a 60 second set on this show. Tony, by the way, we can tell. Yeah. way, we can tell. Yeah. Yeah, we could tell.

Seems like everybody here tonight has been first timers. I know, but I know in the last couple have said it too, and they struggled horribly throughout their set too. And instead of saying a joke, they said that it was their first time on stage, but it's okay. Welcome. You're adorable. You're one of the best looking lesbians

I've ever seen in my entire life. Well, thank you very much. Ryan. Fuck yeah. You live here in Swansea? I'm from a little shithole called Tartan. Tartan. Oh, wow.

The crowd goes wild for Tartan. Is that Norse? It's Tartan. Tartan? Have you ever seen Star Wars, right? Yeah, I've seen Star Wars. Do you know what a Tonton is? A Tonton.

Say that with a Boston accent. Tonton. Bam. Right there. Hey, what the fuck? The crowd goes wild. I feel like I could stage dive right now. You're a real New Englander now.

That was like Bill Burr in The Mandalorian. I love it. You guys were like shocked. You're like, wow, Tony's a quick learner. Yeah, you give me direction. I just do it. Pretty incredible, right? Just because the show is stupid, all these fucks I pull out of the bucket are. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, you give me direction. I just do it. Pretty incredible, right?

Just because the show is stupid, all these fucks I pull out of the bucket are. No, I'm kidding. That's all good. I know what I am. No, I love it. I love it. I love it. So how long have you been a woman in an abusive relationship?

So I've been talking for about six years. No, I love it. So Ryan, how old are you? I'm 30 years old. 30 years old. And what do you do for work? I'm 30 years old. 30 years old. And what do you do for work? I'm a woodworker. A woodworker?

Yeah, I make high-end gaming products for Dungeons & Dragons and stuff. Oh, no shit. Wow. Look at that. If you need a new table, we make high-end tables. No, this actually, they have different ones of these at every venue we go to, believe it or not. I know that it can be confusing. We used to bring it to every city. Yeah, we used to always just check a table at the airport.

But it turns out that they tend to have them at most of the venues we perform at. That is a good question. If we need a new table, we would come to you. So why Dungeons & Dragons? Because of the table? Or do you just make a lot of dice? That was my boss who started the company, decided that.

I just showed up. One day my friend was just like, hey, do you want to get the fuck out of a kitchen and work with wood? You were working with deep fryers? I worked at TGI Fridays. That place sucks. Why'd you leave that place? Interesting stuff.

So now you make things out of wood Yeah, a lot of useless stuff It's like to roll dice in To play a lot of tabletop games Right, I get it How about for fun? Any fun hobbies or anything like that?

Smoke and pot, watch a shit ton of movies Hang out with my friends, my girlfriend Yeah, you have a girlfriend Yes Wow,. Yeah. Hang out with my friends, my girlfriend. Yeah, you have a girlfriend. Yes. Wow, how long you been with her? Three years. Nice.

What's your favorite thing about her? Um, she got me to like cats. She got you to like cats. Yep, I fucking hated cats growing up, was allergic to them. I was like, no one could ever get me to like cats. Right, no. She managed to do it. My goodness, how did she do it. How did she do it?

How did she do it? Believe it or not, this is like talking back and forth. I was on Snapchat. She put a bowl of his food outside the door and the cat's food on the other side of the door. Wow, Phyllis. You ever shit in a litter box before? Are you still allergic to cats? No.

So just her telling you about the cats made you not allergic? No, like, I haven't around when I was 21. Wow, that's what happens when you're 21. You're allowed to drink, and your allergies of cats go away immediately. Just go away, yeah. Fuck yeah. Wow. So you live with your girlfriend?

Yes, we live together. You guys live in a one-bedroom apartment in Taunton? No, it's like a two-bedroom one and we converted one to a dog room. Oh, you have a dog room as well. So you have a dog and a cat. You've got the beginning of Noah's Ark over here going on. Well, when I don't love the cats, she sends me to the dog room, you know? Yeah.

So what's the cat's name? We have fucking four of them. Whoa. Jesus Christ, dude. What? God. Yeah, well, I got two dogs. Okay, name the cats, name the dogs.

Let's talk about it. Cat is Orangey, Buster, Toby, and George. Orangey, Buster, Toby, and George. Orangey, Buster, Toby, and George. What color is Orangey? A hint of orange. How about the dogs? What are the dogs' names? We got one named Aria and one named Stuart.

Aria and Stuart. Stuart? Why Stuart? Stuart Redmond. He survived the end of the world. Who? Stuart Redmond. From what?

The stand. I don't know. Arya's in Death and Game of Thrones, right? Yeah, Arya Buck. Uh-huh. My goodness. Okay. Dogs and cats ever get into fights?

Not really. Our German shepherd is best friends with the cats. She's weird. Huh. Yeah. German shepherd's smart. That makes sense. Any kind of German likes something that will take a shit on its chest.

So that's why they like the little fur balls. They're little furry friends. That's fun. So what does your girlfriend do for work? She works at the bank. Oh, wow. What is her job at the bank exactly? She's a teller?

I don't even know. She's not a teller. She's like a customer service person. Oh, wow. She deals with all the wonderful people at Taunton. Ah, the old fucking Taunton banking industry. You ever deposit a check into her vagina? Oh, my God.

Wow, really beat around the bush on that one. You ever put a fucking coin roll into her fucking vacuum thing? You ever pull up in the car and put the fucking coin roll in the thing? Alright. My goodness.

Wow. You ever overdraft in her pussy? Yeah, you ever take too much out? After you put too much in? You ever fucking figure out what her routing number is? You ever fucking Wells or Fargo? You ever fucking chase her bank? One in the bank, two in the stank. Oh! Wells or Fargo? You ever fucking chase a bank?

One in the bank, two in the stank. Oh! Tauntaun. Fucking Tauntaun jokes. Oh! That's so stupid. Whoa! Alright. Okay. Well, Ryan Donovan, my goodness.

Tell the animals that we said hello When you get home tonight Will do Tell them you had a fun time on the Kill Tony show You listen to the show often Oh yeah This is something you've always wanted to do Honestly yeah I had to do a double take I found out about this yesterday

How'd you find out about it Your mom's house I was listening to you on that at work. There you go. Oh, you guys listen to me on that? Oh, sweet. Look at you guys. I had to rewind it three times. Did you say fucking Swansea? Why would anybody come to Swansea?

No offense. There you go. I'm glad I said it. You know, you can also, if you're a fan of the show, you can also listen to this show. We've been talking about it for like two months uh we announced the dates at the very beginning instead of fast forwarding through the dates and the ads like an asshole you can uh pay some respect for the free content that we put out there and uh i'll watch you guys on youtube on youtube very good you can also follow us on social media where

we regularly release to where we're going and for dates but I'm glad that you only listen to the dates on your mom's house. That's really respectful. I don't really do the social media. You don't fucking do social media. We don't fucking do that. Twitter, more like shitter. Get it out of here. I don't know.

Okay. All right. There he goes, Ryan Donovan, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much. No one's going to ever keep you down. Look at that guy with a Boston hat, a fucking beard, suspiciously too large of a jacket.

How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. They like blood here on the East Coast. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens. It's Sean Nolan, everyone. Sean Nolan, the bucket of destiny, has spoken your name.

Sean Nolan coming to the stage. There he is. How about a hand for Jesse Johnson's first time on the road here tonight? Alright, there he is. Sean Nolan, everyone. Alright, so back in middle school, we used

to do this thing where you would measure your dick to your hand. And if your dick was bigger than your hand, then you had a huge penis. And so you'd measure from the bottom of the palm to the tip of the middle finger, right? So me and my boys, we all go home, measure our dicks separately. And my dick, my dick was way bigger than my hand. And I was freaking out. I was like, holy shit, I'm going to go to school.

I'm going to have a huge dick. I'm going to tell my friends, right? I'm going to fuck all the teachers, all the girls, maybe guys, I don't know. And so I get to school, right, and we're all sharing our stories, and my friends are like, I don't know, like, that's like kind of close to the tip of my middle finger. And I was like, dude, my dick's way bigger than my hand. Fuck all you small dick pussies.

I got a huge dick. They're like, oh, shit, Sean's got a huge dick. They're like, oh shit, Sean's got a huge dick. We're all dapping up, right? We're dapping. And I'm dapping them. And their hands. I just. Boom.

That is how it's done that is how it's done sean nolan thank you beautiful i could tell from the moment you got up here you started talking and giving out information like you had something to say and it it was great. It was exactly a minute long. A story with jokes peppered in between the story. You did comedy with your minute tonight. How about a hand for Sean Nolan, everybody? Fucking awesome, dude. I almost forgot that people can be funny during their minute on Kill Tony. I got lost in this episode.

I honestly worked so hard to make it a minute because it used to be like three and there was too much. Dude, well, let me tell you something. That's exactly how to fucking do it. Next time you do it in a show, you don't need to do the three minute version. Keep it fucking tight. Keep it like that. Fucking go in there and wreck just like that. How long have you been doing stand up for?

Probably like six or seven months. Six or seven months. Wow. You're on a good path buddy Wow You have that big dick energy dude Yeah You have that small hand energy too Yeah

Yeah So how big is your dick? It's average Average It's what I have But I do have small hands So it is bigger You from Boston?

No Like Uxbridge Small town South of Worcester Where's that at? Hey We got Uxbridge people Is that in between here and Boston? No it's South of Worcester. Where's that at? Hey, we got Uxbridge, baby. Is that in between here and Boston? No, it's South of Worcester.

You're kind of like a big... I'm terrible with geography. Those are dumb ass. South of Worcester, that's right next to fucking Taunton. Anyway. Okay, Shia. That's awesome, dude. How old are you?

Uh, 23. 23 years old. You're already on a great path, man. Thank you. 23, what do you do for work? Uh, my family and I have a screen print and embroidery print shop and shit. Nice. Custom apparel.

Very cool. Absolutely. So your dad is your boss? My brother, actually. Oh, okay. How much older than you is he? Two years. Okay.

So he's 25, running the family business. 20, yeah. Is he ever mean to you? I mean, you know, not mean, but he's here, actually. Oh, yeah. No, it's actually really good. Your brother's here, too? Seamless.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does he do stand-up at all, as well? No. No? No. That's cool. How about the rest of your family? What's your mom and dad like? They're cool. Yeah? They. That's cool. How about the rest of your family? What's your mom and dad like?

They're cool. Yeah? They're cool. Yeah, my dad has his own thing. He's been traveling, doing sales forever, so. Cheating on your mother. No. I'm kidding.

Don't ask, don't tell, right? That's right. That's right. Unless you want to fucking taunt in your face. All right. That's right. Unless you want to fucking taunt in your face. Alright. That's fun. What else do you do, Sean, for fun or like any fun hobbies or anything like that? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to

run up a creek the wrong direction like a salmon. Like a wild salmon. You look like you wait all year for the Puerto Rican Day Parade. I don't know. Workout. I like doing that.

Yeah, what kind of workouts do you do? What's your workout regimen? I don't know. Just like everything pretty much. I'm not going to get into detail. It seems a little boring. Yeah. Okay.

A little bit of everything. Run, lift, whatever. You have a girlfriend? Like snowboarding? No, I don't. Yeah, that's interesting to me. tail it seems a little boring but yeah okay a little bit of everything run lift whatever you have a girlfriend like snowboarding no i don't yeah that's interesting to me you seem like a funny good looking guy why do you think that is that you don't have a girlfriend you just like playing the field i don't know i don't really get out much right now honestly really why not just busy i got a kid i don't know oh you have a kid that's the uh yeah that would do it they don't really like that. Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling.

How old's your kid? He's four. Four years old. So you had a baby at 19 years old. Barely 19, yeah. Wow. Look at that. So what happened that night when you were 18?

Honestly, I have no idea. It was at college. No, I mean, you have some idea. You put your penis in a woman's vagina, for sure. For sure, yeah. Unless you jerked off with your tiny hands like, take that! Just fucking threw it in.

It's cool, I've never met him. The wife just thinks I'm out doing sales. That's what his dad does. Master Jim makes that noise if a joke doesn't work. So, was it like a one night stand? No, girlfriend for a while. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Then you guys broke up after you had the baby or before? Yeah, well, I didn't know he was mine at first. So we broke up. You're waiting for it to come out white

and then you're like, all right. Cherry, cherry. The baby came out with tiny tiny tiny hands And I knew He's got your hands Yeah

That's so cool You hang out with the baby a lot? Oh yeah all the time Lives with you? Yeah Pretty much You have custody Or you split it?

I mean it's nothing like In court we're just You know we get along So Just running it like Any couple south of Worcester does You know what I mean? We don't need to go to fucking court.

No reason in us giving these fucking scumbag lawyers a bunch of fucking money. Just because we don't know how to have a fucking abortion. All right? I ain't paying for that. I ain't paying for that. And I ain't paying for that. Let's fucking split it right down the fucking middle. Or else I'm taking you to fucking Worcester Superior Court.

That's beautiful, man. That's beautiful. How about the baby mama? What does she do? She's a nurse at a prison right now, actually. Oh, fuck yeah. Sounds like a place where you would drop the soap. You know what I'm saying?

Hello. Fuck yeah. Nurse at a prison. My God. How does it feel knowing that hundreds of men masturbate to your baby mama every day? That one always gets me. It doesn't matter when you hit it, where you hit it. You can literally do no wrong with that sound effect.

Oh, wow. I mean, unbelievable set, unbelievable performance. You've got it all going for you. And you know what? Being a single father or a single mother on this show, it's always a special place in my heart since I was pretty much raised by a single mother on this show. It's always a special place in my heart since I was pretty much raised by a single mother. I think it's one of the greatest things you could be

is a parent that gives a fuck. Hell yeah. The fact that you do it all. You got a job. You had a great set. You're chasing your dreams, and you're raising your kid. That's a perfect fucking life.

Get out there. Keep enjoying it. There he goes. Sean Nolan, everybody. A name fell out of the bucket when I was swirling it around to get that one, and it turns out that it's a lady. It's a young lady for the first time tonight, so I just decided to

keep it out, and we're going to bring her up next. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next comedian. She goes by the name of Megan Langley. Everyone, your first lady of the night, Megan Langley is making her way to the stage. Here

she comes. Heck yeah. She's got that Swansea swagger to her. Right, there is. Here she is. One more time for Megan Langley, everyone. Holy shit. Hey, guys.

So, I just got married. You're supposed to... Again, for the second time, hashtag blessed. Second time, hashtag blessed. Second time's a charm. It's going to be so great. Anyway, no, really, he's fantastic.

I'm very lucky. I have to look at my notes. Sorry. You know, I'm really feeling good about this one. Yeah, I'm going to vomit. Anyway, recently somebody asked me, they're like, are you really sure you want to do this again? I mean, is this really a good idea? Do you really want to limit your choices? For context, that person was 25 hot and a personal trainer and I'm 37 out of shape and a divorced cat lady

yes I want to limit my options my options are limited and I want to limit them as soon as possible is that it you have more is that it I was going to talk about my husband.

Let's save it. Let's save it. There you go, Megan Langley, everybody. We'll probably get to that anyway. Keep the mic. Let's talk about it. Here you go. Hi, Megan.

How are you? Much more nervous than I thought I would be. No, it's okay. That's all right. Fun fact for those of you that ever come up here with notes, if you're going to look at them, you don't have to announce that you're going to look at your notes. Not only is it

absolutely worthless, but it also gets between your jokes. Like that second part of that joke was about getting married again, but it could have easily have gotten confused for you looking at your notes. Yeah. You understand? I do. So you're like, hey, I got married

for the second time. Second time's a charm. I have to look at my notes. People think that this might limit my, you know what I mean? Very true. Right. No, I know it's true for sure. So a 25-year-old hot personal trainer married you, right? Or no?

No. No, that was the one talking about. No, I mean, if I said it totally fucked up, I'm sorry. No, no. She was a 25-year-old personal trainer. Giving you advice. the one talking about I mean I may have if I said it totally fucked up I'm sorry no no you're 25 year old personal trainer giving you advice giving me advice or you know like oh my god like

I are you really sure you want to limit your choice like right hook up with those hot dudes and it's right no right like there aren't a lot of choices where did you meet this personal trainer outside of the gym yeah I hey A lot of choices. Where did you meet this personal trainer outside of the gym?

Yeah. Hey. I actually. Brian. No, I actually didn't mention that she is my personal trainer specifically because I didn't want you to make that joke. I didn't say your personal trainer. She actually isn't. No, she actually isn't my friend. He wouldn't normally make that joke.

Normally I would make that joke. No, she is my personal trainer. But I was like, if I say she's my personal trainer, he'll make a fat joke. So I just said she's my friend. Look who said it. I'm fatter than you. What the fuck?

Yeah, exactly. You guys have the exact same shape and clothing on right now for some reason as well. The old fake black t-shirt with gray hoodie. I know the kind of jokes you make, so I was trying to protect myself. I have better aerials than you. Very good. Never in a kind of jokes you make, so I was trying to protect myself. I have better aerial listening. Very good.

Never in a million years would I think Red Band would ask where to find a personal train. I didn't say that. Open your fucking ears, Jesse. Whoa. Red Band's mad. Oh, Master Jim. Oh, shit. Oh, God.

He's here to defend his student. All right. So, Megan Langley, what do you do for work? I work at a cannabis company. Cannabis company. Clear. Edibles. All right.

There you go. I work at a cannabis company, and yeah, I do science stuff. I have my PhD. Your PhD? Yeah. What's that? What's that? Pretty hard dick.

Oh, okay. Very good. Okay. So you're on your second marriage. How old are you? I do actually have my PhD though, but yes, I do. In what? Biology.

So you're on your second marriage. Yes. And how long were you married the first time? I was with him for... We were together for like 10 years. Oh shit, there he goes. He's leaving right now. He's rolling his ass out of here. Damn, that guy is a speed racer.

Look at that fight. He's like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. This bitch has been married twice. I'm never coming back to this show again. I haven't been married fucking once. God damn. Oh, shit. The cops are pulling him over for speeding right now.

Look at this. It's incredible. He's going 27 miles an hour in a 25, sir. You don't do that on the War Army Republic Highway. Where the fuck are we? Anyway. How long did your first marriage last for? We were together for 10 years, but we were only married for two.

Uh-huh. What happened there? Why'd that end? I don't necessarily really want to talk about it. Ooh. I just think it's respectful. I just think it's respectful to not talk about it. I just don't really want to talk about it. I'd like to talk about what I'm doing. I'm sorry. Okay. I just think it's respectful to not talk about it. I just don't really want to talk about it.

I'd like to talk about what I'm doing. I'm sorry. Okay. That's weird. Sorry. You can make something up. No, you can't make something up, Brian. More bad advice from Brian Redman.

Just lie. I was divorced. I mean, it's been like a year since I was divorced. Sure, it doesn't matter. How about your new marriage? Where do you meet this guy at? We met. I came up here. I'm from Kentucky and I came up here for a wedding in Boston. And. Yep. I don't know what that noise was.

But anyway. Yeah, I. This was a guy who I had known, I had met like many years earlier and I was like, hey, you're hot. I'm sorry. Hey, but he's a really good drummer and he came here. Very good, very good. No, that's good. This is the most boring Kathy comic strip I've ever read. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. That's incredible. What's something interesting about you that we would find interesting to talk about or find out about you or how you were raised or your childhood? Now that you just mentioned Kathy, I'm going to say cats and knitting,

and you're not going to like that answer. So those are actually- You're not even the most interesting cat person we've had on the stage tonight. That's fun. How many cats do you have stage tonight. That's fun. How many cats do you have? Two. That's nothing.

I have a turtle and a dog, though. What happened to the turtle? The dog ate it and then choked on it? No, I still have him. You said you had him. Do you give birth to the turtle? What do you do? Get fucked in a sewer by Donatello? Awesome!

Fuck yeah. Put it in your half shell, turtle power. You look like you'd be happy to split a pizza with him afterwards. Come on! Come on, people! It's... She had a turtle with the Ninja Turtle jokes. They're not easy

to write. Oh, fuck. Look who's back. Oh, shit. Speaking of a guy that shreds. That's a shredder ninja turtle super tag. All in the moment. You can't write this stuff. All right, Megan. Well, you are...

Oh, here we go. Go ahead. Go ahead. She has something to say now. This is like Elizabeth Warren while getting smashed in a debate. I have something that I think might make people like me. No, this has been eye-opening. What do you mean by eye-opening?

What does that mean to you? I didn't realize it was this unlikable but uh no it's not that you're unlikable it's that you know let me tell you exactly what happened here you had all the momentum in the world and first time doing stand up right uh yeah right you had all the momentum in the world and then when I

asked about the first marriage you decided to protect him even though he's not listening to this none of his friends are listening to this. And it probably would have been the most interesting part of this interview. And for some reason you didn't want to, which makes us wonder why,

which means that we know that it would have been the most interesting part of the interview. So it's like you're like the kid with a toy that doesn't let anybody else play with your toy, but you wanted to come to show and tell and just say, I've got a better toy than you guys,

but I can't show it to you. Does that make sense? Because these people all know what the show is, so they know if you didn't want to talk about it, that means... We watch your show every... Like, we watch every single episode of your show ever. So he came out as gay.

That happens all the time. You could have just said that, and that would have been fine. Yeah, we get it. Okay. Or, yeah, no, it doesn't matter. But anyway, you're not unlikable. It's just the path that you chose tonight wasn't the most likable route.

You know what I mean? It's like you went down to Worcester to get the bus. You know what I mean? You went south to get north tonight. Is that right? Nope. Still no. I don't give a, I truly don't give a fuck.

I really signed up. I mean, I would have signed up anyway because I love your guys' show and I watch all the time. I really hope that if me or my husband got picked that you would let him come and do the Mexican drum off. We try to drum

off. We don't do two Mexican drum offs in an episode. It's part of my little policy. Even if they're way better than the other person? No. Go back to Revere. No, I'm sorry. Okay. I had to try.

No, it's okay. He's a hot, big-dicked Italian. All right. There's only enough room for one hot, big-dicked Italian on this stage, and it ain't Phyllis Watkins. You know what I'm saying? Anyway. All right.

But, no, listen. Don't take tonight as a loss. You know what I'm saying? Anyway. All right. But no, listen. Don't take tonight as a loss. Don't be upset at what happened here. Just, you know, next time, you know, sign up again. Write a different minute. Commit to it. Figure out a way to fucking memorize it. And if you have to look at your notes, don't say that you're looking at your notes.

And if someone asks you a question, figure out a more interesting way to either answer it or avoid answering it. Have a joke about how you don't want to answer something like that. If you really listen to every single episode of the show, then you would have to know that I was going to ask you about your first marriage. It's true. I just I guess I hope for the best. Well, the best could have happened. I hope for the best, too. It tends to work out for me.

Megan Langley, everybody. There she goes. Her first time on Kill Tony. OK. to work out for me. Megan Langley, everybody. There she goes. Her first time on Kill Tony. Okay. We're going to go back to the bucket in just a moment, but before we do, let's do something fun. There is one man and one man only who I consider a true Swansea regular, even though we've only done one other Swansea episode. There is a gentleman, and I got to run into him before the show here tonight. He has a special place in my heart.

I absolutely love this guy, and I think he stands for everything that is positive, fun, and cool about this area, and I'm excited to bring him up. You may know him as Santa Claus. I present to you Brian Roy, everybody! Hey! Yes!

This is Kill Tony East, and this is Brian Roy. One more time for Brian, everybody. Come on. Jeez, jeez. Okay, like, where do I begin? Just address the, you know, just go right out and address the reindeer in the room. Yes, I do perform at Santa Claus.

I've been doing it for about 10 years now. When people ask, you know, find out about me doing it, they ask me questions, I find out a little bit about them. Like, what's the strangest thing a child has ever asked for? It was a voodoo doll. Voodoo doll. And I asked the little girl, so, like, do so like you want to like stick pins in it and she said no it's uh because I have a baby sister and sometimes I want to strangle her and it might be

a little bit better if I had the doll I said yes it's not nice to strangle your sister no so the doll I'll see what I can do about that when people ask me okay so the one the biggest thing people ask me is have you ever been pissed on no I don't do nudist colonies or, you know, nothing like that. So, no, children always have the clothes on. Fuck yeah, there you go. Absolutely. Brian Roy, a.k.a. Swansea.

Swansea Claus. Fuck yeah, my man. I'm so glad to have you back here. It was a dream of mine since the last time we were here. My goal was to plan this return to Swansea around Christmas of this past Christmas and have you

come on, but our schedule got all fucked up because Brody Stevens decided to hang himself. What a fucking loser, right? No, I'm kidding. He's one of my best friends. Positive energy! That's right. That's right, Brody. He's one of my best friends. Positive energy. That's right. That's right, Brody. Anyway, fucked up some of my scheduling last year due to his crazy decisions.

I'm glad, though. I'm glad because the next day. You're glad that Brody hung himself? No, no, no, no, no. Jesus Christ, Santa. You're supposed to be hanging stockings from the chimney with care, not Brody from the chimney with care. Okay, go ahead. The next day when I had an eight-hour photo shoot,

and I was unable to have anything to drink, so I'm glad it was not around Christmas time. Wait, what? You had it on a Friday night. The next Saturday, I had an eight hour private photo shoot as Santa. Oh, OK. And just coming here this late at night, I had to. So you can't pee when you're Santa. You have to stay in one of the seat. Right. Or something like that. You ever get to take breaks or anything.

You could take a bong rip or something like that or do anything wacky while being Santa. Those are cookies. cookies ah edibles fuck yeah absolutely some of those fucking baby carrots they leave for the reindeers that doesn't make any sense um all right brody that's it i'm sorry you say his name three times he's like beetle juice he comes out of nowhere okay so uh so how was this past Christmas season everything good it was fantastic fantastic a lot of kids were nice not naughty uh it's somewhat weird like the the women who are like 28 to 35 they're the ones who are like oh Santa, Santa, I'm naughty. Oh, fuck, yeah. They're just trash. You just said they're

trash? Just trash. Are you single, Santa? I don't mean to stir up the news or anything. I do have a girl with me. Miss Claus is right over there. Oh, wow. Well, yeah, you put a little fucking coal in her stocking, huh? Yeah. Put a little fucking

cookies in her milk, huh? Yeah, you know they're overdraft in her pussy. We heard the mall closed down, the local mall. Did that affect your... I do personal home visits, corporate. Creepy. I don't do malls. Let's go back to this Mrs. Claus over here.

Where did you meet her? What's going on over here? You show her your North Pole? I swiped left. Is it true that you slay that pussy? Anyway. Okay. Everyone knows cougars have claws.

You ever come in her chimney? You ever unwrap her gift? Okay. That's fun. That's fun. Remind us, what do you actually do for work when you're not being Santa Claus? I'm a steel

worker. I'm a structural steel fabricator who fabricates steel for high-rise buildings. Oh, yeah. You make toys for all the good little boys and girls out there. Very exciting. I met a guy tonight who does woodwork if you ever need an elf around the shop. He can make dice and tables. He only specializes in

two things, so if you need a wooden table, that's very fun. How about hobbies? Do you do anything that would surprise us about you seem like a frisbee golf enthusiast i just i go to a lot of comedy shows and uh we spend time together on weekends tell us some of your favorites who have you seen lately that you like stand-up comedy amy schumer i love the hard no from s on that one. No. Oh, no, no. Saget, Rogan.

Where did you see Rogan at? I saw Rogan at the Wilbur the last time I was at Wilbur. Oh, okay. Was I with him on that one? No, you weren't. It was after that. Oh, okay. It was after that.

Cool, cool, cool. I go to the Wilbur quite a bit. That's nice. You're going to go see him at the Boston Garden in October? I am not. I'm not. Oh. Oh.

Yeah, well. Why not? Why aren't you going to go see him at the Boston Garden? I'm trying to pick and choose because I own a house now, and the money-wise, I try to pick and choose. Yeah, he only works one day a year. Oh, you shut up year Phyllis Watkins These people want to have something to chant

But they don't have it for Jesse Johnson Phyllis No that can't be Mrs. Claus will let you know that I don't come once a year though Don't look at my student and say that shit You creep Mrs. Claus will let you know that I don't come once a year, though. Wow. Don't look at my student and say that shit, you creep. You sick fuck.

My goodness gracious. So a lot of thick white women get black boyfriends. Do thick white men get black girlfriends? That's a good question. You ever hook up with a little Donner Blitzen Comet and Cupid? You know what I'm talking about? A little Vixen. Yeah, Vixen. That's the one.

Good stuff. You got a lot of ho, ho, ho. In different area codes? Hey. I'm surprised you know that reference, Santa. You know rap music? He knows all the area codes. Hey! I'm surprised you know that reference, Santa. You know rap music? He knows all the area codes. I do know a little bit, yes.

I thought the only rapping you did was GIFs. Come on! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I grew up in the 80s, so 80s and 90s, yes. I'm a young Santa. Really?

Yeah. Really? Young Santa? I like that. What are some of your favorite hip-hop artists? I always did like Snoop. Really? Yeah.

Oh, my goodness. N.W.A. I'm not. What does that stand for again? No. Something with attitude. Fuck. That's all I want for Christmas is for you to tell me what...

Whoa. He said it with an R, dude. No, no, no, no, no. He just said it. Wow. Straight out of the North Pole, this guy. Well, that's fun. Anything else I should know about you?

Something embarrassing? Anything. Sure. You seem excited to share that. Yes. Yeah. Yes. I cannot remember the name of the woman

buried in my backyard. What? I bought a house two years ago. And the previous owners, their daughter passed away when she was in her 50s. And her request was to be, her remains to be in the yard. How many of you want to go unbury this body tonight, huh? That's right. This is the first ever Kill Tony episode that includes

taking all 1,000 people in this room. Excuse me, if the officers in the back could please put their fingers in their ears for this part. Is that even legal to bury somebody in the backyard? Are you supposed to tell somebody that maybe there's a body in the backyard? I asked my next-door neighbor

about a year later, I said, do you know what this plaque is? It's like MBDA, and it's her initials. And he said, oh, Brian, they should have told you. No, he's fucking with you. No, no, no, no, I'm serious. So I Google the person who owned the place before and found out her initials.

Those are her initials. They're supposed to tell you if somebody died in the house. She died in California. Her ashes are in an urn in my backyard. I think we should, you happen to have a ho?

Only time you can do two ho ho ho references is if fucking Santa Claus is on stage. Wow. That is so interesting, man. That is wild. It's embarrassing. I can't remember her name.

I love it. You should remember her name if she's dead in your backyard. MBDA. Wait, I thought you knew all the little girls' and boys' names. The good girls. In your backyard. In BDA. Wait, I thought you knew all the little girls' and boys' names. The good girls. The good girls. She was naughty. A naughty girl.

That's why she died in California. Do you and your girlfriend ever do Santa Claus sort of like role play in the bedroom? Do you ever? No, no, no, no, no, no. Does she ever leave out some fucking milk and cookies and you're like, oh. You were naughty this year. Just a little trail. A little trail.

Yeah. You kissed my mom. Yeah. All right. All right. Well, so much fun, dude. I fucking love you, Brian Roy. You are a staple here on these Swansea episodes.

You just can't beat it. You're the only Santa Claus that I acknowledge. You're my real Santa Claus. Hey, look at that. I got a gift from Santa. Oh my God. Santa caught you being nice. I love this. It says, ha ha.

You have coronavirus now. Come on, make some noise for Brian Roy. It's Santa Claus, everybody. this. He says, ha ha, you have coronavirus now. Come on, make some noise for Brian Roy. It's Santa Claus, everybody. It's always Christmas here at Swansea Kill Tony. Shit. Someone's leaving. I think we're losing an audience member here.

I think Shakira's mom is leaving the show early. You guys want to go to this bucket one more time, huh? I think Shakira's mom is leaving the show early. It appears as though. You guys want to go to this bucket one more time, huh? All right. Let's see what happens here. I'm going deep in it. I'm stirring it around.

Okay. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Johnny Betancourt, everyone. Johnny Betancourt. Here Betancourt here he comes he's on his way to the stage one more time for your final comedian of the night Johnny Betancourt I am 27 now and I really feel

I'm getting older because my crazy fantasies are really starting to change. Like, I used to fantasize of hundreds of beautiful women wanting to fuck me. Now I fantasize of, if everyone I owe money to just stopped calling me. Like, the IRS. State of Kentucky,

and my goddamn father-in-law, Joe. Fuck you, Joe. Fuck you. I had a great experience in a public bathroom the other day. I had to take a piss. I stepped up to the urinal, and I looked down, and I noticed that someone missed the urinal. Trying to take a piss. I stepped up to the urinal and I looked down and I noticed that someone missed the urinal. Trying to take a shit.

See, I grew up with two aggressive, angry Portuguese grandparents who would beat the shit out of me with a slipper. If I even thought about doing something like that. That's why I think we should put Portuguese grandparents in bathrooms all across America. Everywhere. Everywhere. Thanks. Fuck yeah. Johnny Betancourt, everybody. Welcome, welcome. My goodness.

Welcome to the show, Johnny. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've done it six times. I started in December. Six times started in December. Started in December. Six times started in December. Started in December. Started in, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. How long have you been a part-time magician?

You look like Criss Angel's illegitimate son. Yeah, you made Red Band disappear. Ta-da. I love it. Maybe you should come back more often. That's fun. So, Johnny, what do you do for work? My daytime job, I work in logistics as an operator.

My side job, I'm a podcast producer, and I'm a musician, and I make video work for podcasts. What kind of music do you play? At the moment, I do a little bit of reggae, a little bit of rock and roll. I come from a whole family of musicians. Wow. What instruments do you play? I don't play the drums.

No, it's okay. I don't play the trumpet. That's not what I asked you. I asked you what instruments you do play. I play guitar, and I sing a little bit. Yeah? You sing a little bit of reggae rock? A little bit of everything.

Really? Yeah. Why don't you sing some? Come on,gae rock? A little bit of everything. Really? Yeah. Why don't you sing some? Come on, then. Wow, thank you, Jesse. Filling in for Jeremiah immediately by taking over as the host of the show. I'm his sister, Tony and Phyllis. Really didn't miss a beat there. That's interesting.

So what kind of songs do you prefer to sing out of anything? Like if you were to do karaoke, what? I actually hate karaoke. I write my own music. Yeah. So it's weird. What's the name of your band? Like are you on Spotify?

Are you on Spotify? It's a simple yes or no question. What's the name of your band on Spotify? Well, it's My Name Johnny Betancourt. Okay. That's what that looks like. I used to be in a band. I love the confidence behind it.

This is going to be great. Yeah. Why do you seem ashamed of what you have on Spotify? I don't think I have. I think I stopped paying for my TuneCore, so it's not on Spotify. But I'm just... Oh, no recent activity.

But we do see your baby and your baby mama there. You have a child, huh? Yeah, I'm married. I got a beautiful little daughter. Yeah, you do. Yeah, I do. How sweet. How old is she now?

She's going to be 11 months on the 11th. Oh, that's great. That's very exciting. Look at that. Okay, well, how about you do a little bit of acapella? You want a beat from Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez? A little bit of Sing Us Something? Yeah, I don't know what to

sing, though. You know what? Whatever you want, dude. You don't like karaoke. That's what you said. You don't want to have music backing you. But you said that you sing. You said that you come from a family of musicians, so we need to have something from you. We've got that you sing. You said that you come from a family of musicians. So we need to have something from you. We gotta get a little sample of something.

We haven't had anybody else other than these two up here with any musical talent tonight. Only one guy knew how to play the drums and the other drum player in the room had a wife that we couldn't stand. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm joking. I'm joking, Megan. I'm joking, Megan. Oh, shit. Look at this. Now, he went from... Oh, shit. Damn. Oh, look at this.

Not only does he look like a composer, he actually is one. Giving us a little example of his music stylings, ladies and gentlemen, it's Johnny Betancourt. Play a little faster, please. Oh, I don't like the way you're talking to me. Just play.

Oh, shit. All right, all right. Shawty on my... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You got it, you got it. Just keep going until you're tuned up. Just keep going. We're here to support you, Johnny.

How many of you want Johnny to do good right now? Wow. Is that G? We'll follow you. Is that G? We'll follow you, Johnny. Start singing and we'll figure it out. Give me a note. I'm going to be flat.

Give me a note. Sing a note. G. Sing a G. You sing. G, G, G, G, G. You're saying the letter. Oh.

All right, I'll do acapella. Fuck it. Oh, my God. I'll do acapella. Fuck it. Oh, my God, Johnny. I'll do it. I'll do it. The band can literally do anything. They can follow you. You can do anything. I'm going to do something really old.

Do whatever you want, Johnny. Just fucking do anything, you piece of shit. You need to cool it. Baby, I'm not fooling. I'm going fooling. I'm gonna say yeah, back to schooling. Way down inside, honey you need. I'm gonna give you my love.

I'm gonna give you my love. I'm gonna give you my love. Oh. I want a whole lot of love. Boo. I was doing the background. Boo. I want a whole lot of love. Boo. I want a whole lot of love. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

Hey, officers, can we arrest this man for breach of peace? Breach of peace a thing here? I love it Well, you tried your best I did try my best and I'm going to regret this in four days when I'm watching this on YouTube It's okay, there he goes, Johnny Betancourt Thank you everybody You guys think we should get one more out of here? Okay, there he goes, Johnny Betancourt, everybody. Thank you, everybody.

You guys think we should get one more out of here? Again, another fun fact, this name, again, fell out of the bucket while I pulled that last name out, and since the word music is at the end of his social media tag, I'm going to bring him up because I feel like we now sort of want something musically to happen here to bring this show to a close, but we're going to give him 60 seconds and then find out if he has any talent other than that whatsoever. Let's see what happens here.

You guys want to do this or should we end it now? You guys think we should give this guy a shot? All right, then put your hands together for your final comedian of the night. Make some noise for Mark McGuinn, everybody. Mark McGuinn, here he comes. He's coming fast. This guy's on a mission. A steady jog.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Mark McGuinn. What the fuck's up, Swansea? I think... Hey, what's up? Hey, I think the coronavirus is like sneaky good marketing for the people of China, you know? Yeah, because... oh, fuck, I don't remember any of my shit. I'm just going to start with this. I go to a really shitty gym.

I go to Planet Fitness. Why the fuck does everyone in Planet Fitness smell like weed and look like they belong to a better, shittier gym before? Fuck. like weed and look like they belong to a better shittier gym before fuck i like to fuck with i like to fuck with people at my gym i like to run on the elliptical in front of the one tv playing fox news and just nod my head in agreement with everything sean hannity says yeah people don't like me at my gym i also don't understand what the black card membership is at planet fitness like i don't know what the black card membership is at Planet Fitness. I don't know what's in those rooms. Is it a sauna?

Maybe a hot tub? When I hear black card membership, I'm thinking maybe a KFC, maybe a Popeyes, maybe a Taco Bell. That's all I have. Yikes. Ladies and gentlemen, Mark McGuinn. Let's get to the real point here

Because it says at the bottom of this Your social media handle is GimmeNoiseMusic Are you a musician of some kind? No, like me Oh, okay, fuck What a huge failure this was Do you have any special skills or talents whatsoever? Mediocre musician, soccer player

So you are a musician Even though I just asked you if you're a musician And you said no Just guitar. I book shows. That's my music book. You book shows. Oh, yeah. Oh, douchebag. Those who can't do book. That's what we say. Correct, yes. You came out guns a-blazin' with some gym jokes

in front of a crowd that I don't know if you've looked at a single person here tonight, but not exactly gym-goers. The Swansea Kill Tony bass. Do you remember what your first joke was it had something to do about corona in china um it was uh uh coronavirus is sneaky good marketing for the people of china because they finally have a reason to wear those masks without looking pretentious oh yeah good thing you forgot it. That's great. All right. Well, we tried with you.

Let me do this. Let me ask you this. Is there anybody out there in the audience that knows how to perhaps sing or anything like that? Anybody with an actual, like, incredible talent or voice that... What's that person with their hand up? For some reason, I don't believe them. You a singer, sir? You, two hands

yep the person I'm looking at you a real singer what kind of what song would you sing if I brought you up here right now get your ass up here right now there's no way a Swansea dude with a hoodie and a beard can sing Etta James

is at last but if you can what yeah There's no way a Swansea dude with a hoodie and a beard can sing Etta James' At Last. But if you can... What? Yeah. No, you don't have to be from Swansea. You really know how to sing? Okay, come up here. Sing it. What's your name?

Evan? Evan? Yeah. Make some noise for Evan, everybody. There goes Mark McGuinn. Yeah, there you go. Mark McGuinn. Swansea, did you guys have fun here tonight?

Evan, what do you say you bring us home? Let's do this shit. Atlas My love has come along My lonely days are over And life is like a song Oh, at last The skies above are blue And here we are in heaven

The day that I looked at you I found a thrill To press my cheek to A thrill that I can call my own I found a thrill to press my cheek to a thrill that I never

known when you smile when you smile When you swoon Wow, look at that. A man with a beard and a hoodie and a man jacket just sang that fucking song. This guy's waited his whole life to sing that song in front of a crowd like this.

You don't just learn it last that day from the great Etta James. It's one of the great songs of all time. I've never seen a grown-ass man sing it before. Evan, is there a social media you want to plug or something? Yes, you can follow me at EvanAudioMusic on any social media. There you go. That's a real musician whose screen name ends in the word music.

We have a bunch of prints that Ryan J. Ebel drew up exactly for this date. We're going to be signing them and taking pictures with you. There's some Tony Hinchcliffe pins if you guys want. Those are all available right now. We're all going to be there right after the show to shake hands, give fist bumps, give a hug, shed a tear,

and keep the line moving along. Swansea, we did it again. We love you so much. Thanks for coming out. Guys, history was made here tonight. You are the first people other than Los Angeles to ever see the new member of the band, the great Jessie Johnson.

She's on social media, Jetski Johnson. Anything else, Jessie? Thank you guys so much. This has been a blast. Such a wild ride. Fuck yeah. Guys, you got to see it live in the flesh, and you're one of the roadshows that got graced by a Mexican drum off.

How loud can this place get for the great Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, huh? He's an official Ludwig artist, and he's on social media. Mostly sorry. Anything else, Joel? he's an official Ludwig artist and he's on social media mostly sorry anything else Joel shout out to the Ponte family for making us feel like family here thank you guys we love you guys Swansea peace these are my people here Swansea the reason truly why we're here is because

one of the coolest not one of the actual coolest crew of fans that's ever followed me around anywhere is from right here. Actually, they used to work here. They're, they live in, I believe Providence or they're right around here.

All of them all together. Shout out to all of them. I, I can't possibly express how much it means to, you know, an artist when you first start headlining six, seven years ago, you guys would come to all my shows and I'm always trying to outdo myself,

come up with new material every time I come here to show off for them, to be able to keep them as loyal fans as they are. So you all deserve to thank this amazing table right here, because that's the reason why we're here. And that's it. Skankfest, Tacoma, La Jolla, Boston, Austin, and a bunch of other dates about to be announced soon.

Red Band? Thank you. Love you guys. We love you guys. Good night, everybody.素敵なアフターブプラチナにないで 傾けこの夏は いつでも 君だけに ស្រូវានប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប� Субтитры подогнал «Симон»