KILL TONY - KILL TONY #442 - LA JOLLA #2

Episode Date: March 12, 2020

Michael Lehrer, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 03/08/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping. Robo code searching. It takes skill.

Speed. Sweat. Unless we're talking Kudo's new phone, internet, and streaming bundle. With the HappyStack, you can sit back and stack up the savings on Kudo Internet, a sweet phone plan, Netflix, Disney+, and Amazon Prime, all starting at just $99 a month. Stack more, spend less.

The Happy Stack, only at Kudo. Conditions apply. Ooh, French lavender soy blend candle. I told you HomeSense has good gift options. Hmm, well, I don't know. Mom's going to love it. She'll take one sniff and be transported to that anniversary trip you took to San Tropez a few years ago. Forget it. She complained about her sunburn the whole trip.

It's only $14. $14? Now that's a vacation I can get behind. Deals so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv, for everything Kill Tony, including past episodes of the show, video portions, and if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live.

Not only do we record every Monday at the world famous comedy store in Hollywood, California, but we are on the road all the time. So if you click on tour dates, you can see that we're in Vancouver, Swansea, La Jolla, Ventura, Washington, Boston, Austin, a bunch of dates. Click on tour dates at DeathSquad.tv. Also, check out Tony's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his stand-up dates. So go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist.

He draws every single episode of Kill Tony. You can check out his website, RyanJEbelt.com. He has posters, prints. He even has the Kill Tony book there. So check out Ryanjebelt.com. He has posters, prints, he even has the Kill Tony book there. So check out ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. There you have the official Kill Tony t-shirt, including Death Squad hats and shirts and mugs. Go to shopsquad.tv, the official merchandise of Kill Tony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous La Jolla Comedy Store. Coming up for a new episode of Kill Tony, here's Tony Hatchcliffe.

La Jolla, we're back. Late Show, make some fucking noise. Yowie, wowie. The great Brian Redband's here, everybody. Hey, and look at that. Look who's sitting right here. That's the great Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode. Wow.

What an exciting treat. Being in Southern California means that we have accessibility to some of the beautiful Los Angeles locals that we work with every Monday at the Comedy Store. So exciting to be here. Show number two.

You guys excited? We had an insane show number one. Gonna be very hard to follow. Everybody had a lot of energy. This crowd already feels a little bit hopped up on edibles and marijuana. Bunch of fun stuff happening. You guys probably found out about this from listening to the show,

the part where we mentioned the tour dates, and that part continues now. We're in Ventura. A show just got added to March 12th. Another Southern California show. Kill Tony Tacoma March 21st and also stand up on the 20th and 21st where I headline shows with some of the cast members doing guest

spots before me. Skank Fest South Kill Tony's March 27th and 28th. Miami April 3rd Kill Tony. Tony Hinchcliffe live in Miami April 4th. Back-to-back nights right before WrestleMania in Tampa Bay, Florida. And Boston, Kill Tony April 9th.

Stand-up the 10th and 11th. We're at Moon Tower perhaps. The Wednesday and Thursday of that week right before I open up for Dave Chappelle and Joe Rogan in stadiums April 24th and 25th. No show. April 20th. It appears as though it's going to be Joey Diaz and friends at the Comedy Store, so there's a little plug for him. Shout out to Don Carlos Burritos right down the street here in beautiful La Jolla, California.

We eat them every time we come here. I've literally had four California burritos since I got here on Thursday. That's just what I do when I'm in San Diego. When I'm in New York, I eat pizza. When I'm in Youngstown, I eat spaghetti. And when I'm in San Diego, I eat Don Carlos burritos. Un-fucking-believable. It's a national treasure, and it's right down the street from here. How many of you love Don Carlos out there? The rest of you need to try it. You're really missing out. You're fucking up. You're very lucky.

And that's one of the reasons why I love coming to La Jolla, and you can absolutely bet your bottom dollar that I will be back. And when I bet, I bet with mybookie.ag. It's March Madness, and I got to talk about where I'm betting and winning money. Money, money, money. mybookie.ag. I bet with mybookie.ag. I win with mybookie.ag, and I love mybookie.ag.

And right now, mybookie.ag is matching win with mybookie.ag. And I love mybookie.ag. And right now, mybookie.ag is matching our listeners with up to $1,000. That's right. All you have to do is go to mybookie.ag and use the promo code Tony. That's mybookie.ag and use the promo code Tony. If you deposit $50, mybookie will match you on your $50. If you deposit $250, mybookie will match you on your 50. If you deposit 250, my bookie will match you 250, baby. If you deposit 1,000, guess what?

Those guys are going to give you another 1,000. That's right, $1,000. Yes, it's as easy as reading. Just go to mybookie.ag and use promo code Tony. You want to bet with me? Mybookie.ag, promo code Tony. You want to win with me? Mybookie.ag, promo code Tony. You want to win with me? Mybookie.ag, promo code Tony. Enjoy March Madness with me. Bet at mybookie.ag, use promo code Tony. Win,

win, win money. Mybookie.ag, promo code Tony. And with all that amazing fresh cash that you win, there's no better place to put it than inside of a Ridge wallet. We all had old wallets that sucked, but now we all have Ridge wallets. It's sleek. It's two metal plates bound together with a durable elastic band. The Ridge looks nothing like a traditional wallet. I have a titanium one

and I absolutely love it. I've always had the same kind of wallet my whole life. The ones you get at Macy's or Ross. They're just the trifold. It same kind of wallet my whole life. You know, the ones you get like at Macy's or at Ross. You know, they're just the trifold. It's always been in my back pocket. I've been sitting on it. It hurts your back when you're in the car, like road trips and stuff.

It's bad for you. Changing to your front pocket, and this wallet has made me become a front pocket guy. It's so nice. I've cleaned everything out of my wallet. Now it's just the basics, like my credit card, my license. I love it. That's absolutely right. It's got a lifetime warranty if you love it and free returns if you don't. You have absolutely nothing to lose by trying this product. I'm telling you it's unbelievable. You can get 10%

off today with free worldwide shipping and returns by going to ridge.com slash kill Tony. That's ridge.com slash kill Tony and use the code kill Tony. Link in description. Hey, you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? We are live La Jolla Comedy Store, the only other comedy store in the world. Mitzi Shore's brilliant, brilliant master plan has come together perfectly as we are the number one live podcast in the world,

the only live podcast that comes here on a regular basis, and we have so much fun every episode. And as with all road episodes, we go guestless. However, tonight we do have a band, everybody. Every single episode, the band commits to staying in different characters. This last episode earlier this evening, they were FedEx delivery drivers. It was incredible. They all had official FedEx shirts on. It was the first time we've ever seen them do anything like that before. But maybe it's a new character like that.

Maybe it's the return of famous characters we've seen before. Let's all find out what they are together all at the same time. And La Jolla, you're spoiled rotten. You have the entire band here tonight. I present to you the best damn band in the land. The Kill Tony

band. Jeremiah Watkins. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Chroma Chris. And Jetski Jesse Johnson. Whoa! Oh my god! Whoa!

Wowie Holy shit Oh my god This is a bachelorette party If I've ever seen one before Holy fucking shit Oh my god Those are some hairy legs on this bride.

Jesus Christ. As with every bachelorette party, somehow already wasted. Yay! Oh, fuck. All right. Hi, Tony. What's your name? My name's Becca, and I'm the maid of honor,

always the bridesmaid, never the bride, but I'm really happy for my friends. Alright. Should I write this down or you got this written down somewhere? I don't. Your name's Becky? Becca with a ca and a ba. Wow.

Alright, Becca. Good Lord. And who's this rare beauty sitting next to you here? Hi, I'm Brittany. Last time I was on the show, I was getting married, and I'm ready tonight to party and suck some dick. Wow. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. You ladies are out of control. And who is this frightening bitch next to you? Oh, my God. Is this frightening bitch next to you? My god, is this the corpse of Kathy Griffin? What the fuck? Gross. My name's Donna, and my bitches here said for my

engagement party, we're going to San Diego. And then they took me to the comedy star. Oh my god. You people better be funny. Oh, my God. Okay, doggie. This is the grossest thing ever.

Okay. Can you believe this bitch is getting married? Look how hideous she is. Oh, my God. I mean, I love you. I'm so happy to be your maid of honor. You are one of the... It is true.

Thanks, bitch. Oh, my God. That is frightening. Thanks, bitch. Oh, my God. That is frightening. Jesus, this is my nightmares tonight. It's horrible. All right. So we have Becca, Donna, and one more time your name?

Brittany, bitch. Brittany, bitch. Absolutely. And then, which brings me to this little one right back here. The hottest one, yeah. Name's Patricia. I just stopped doing porn. I still live in Las Vegas. And I love cock.

Wow. My goodness, this is going to be absolutely chaos tonight. I'm really excited about this. So we got Red Band, we got the band, which brings me to this, everybody. This is the legit summer tour bucket of destiny. This thing's been all around the country with us. It made it down to La Jolla today. A bunch of people signed up for this show.

You know how it works. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage. You know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry Hillcrest Bear. There it is. And then we talk... Okay. And then we talk

to you and interview you and figure out more about you and your life. Answer the questions honestly and we'll all get through it together. You guys ready to start this fucking show? And then we shall. Your first comedian going up tonight, getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds, goes by the name of Sean Christko, everyone. Here we go. Sean Christko, everyone. Here we go.

Sean Christko. Sean Christko. Yell that name that way. Alright. Okay. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Tyler Brandt, everybody. Tyler Brandt, getting the night started.

Settles, waiting, coming, jump on it. Tyler Brandt, everyone. What up? Guys, I don't like my grandmother. She's a bitch, I'm going to be honest. Jump on it That's me, Ma, dude. She's a finely aged cunty wine. Dude, she's racist as shit, too. She, uh... I tried to correct her, but, like, you know what they're saying? You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Or in Grandma's case, you can't teach an old dog not to say the N-word in CVS.

So Grandma here for vitamins, not hate crimes. Let's tone this shit down. I got a white trash dad. He had eight kids with three different women. He's essentially knocking up women with the frequency of a current NFL player, but with the financial stability of a former NFL player.

And at least those kids inherit the genetics of professional athletes. The only thing I inherit is a weird love of Slim Jims, and that's it. All right. Thank you, guys. There you go, Tyler Brand. Hi, Tyler.

Welcome to the show. Stand right here between me and this monstrosity known as Becca. That's my best friend. Oh, I'm sorry, Brittany. I'm sorry. How are you doing, Tyler? Good, man. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy for?

About 10 months. 10 months. Ooh. You from here in San Diego? Not originally. From Connecticut originally, and I've been here for like two, three years. How long have you been out? Okay.

What brought you out here? I was dating a girl in Boston, decided I just wanted to leave it, and moved out to California. You were dating a girl in Boston, you decided you wanted to leave it? I was done just being in Boston. I hated Boston. I wanted to move to California. I had a friend out here. Hell yeah. So you just left her? Yeah. How long of a warning did you give her? A month.

Oh, look at that. A little four-week notice. How did she handle that? Fuck you, Tyler. Yeah. How dare you fucking do this to me? Dirty fucking gross Boston accent. Worse. What in the world would you possibly ever leave me, Tyler?

She wanted me to leave the Dunkin' Donuts gift cards. That's the only thing she wanted. Why? Why would she leave you Dunkin' Donuts gift cards? Because that's the shitty things we drink in Boston. Oh, wow. There you go. Are you a Levi's guy?

A big fan of Levi's? Yeah, I'm a sponsored guy. Check me out. This might be the only good genes you have running through your bloodstream right now. Tyler, so what do you do for work? I do accounting consulting, sort of. I'm just kind of an office manager. I essentially babysit

their highly autistic son that's in the office. It is not great. Yikes. So you're good with kids. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. It's not a bad job if you don't mind someone licking your shit the entire day. Right. What do you like to do for fun, Tyler?

Any hobbies that you brought with you from the ever exciting world of Connecticut? Obviously hiking because it's from Connecticut. That's all you can do. But mostly comedy. I wear the hats of teams I have nothing to do with. You a Dolphins fan? Yeah, they're like a second team.

My dad was like a Dolphins fan. He just kind of picked it up. What about your mom? What about her? Tell me something interesting about your mom? What about her? Tell me something interesting about your mother. Is she a Dolphins fan? No, she's not a Dolphins fan.

I wanted to do an alcoholic family joke. I got a family of alcoholics. She was one of those. Very good. Oh, shit. Look at this. There you go. There you go.

What are you doing later? Very good. You busy later? What are you saying? Tyler, what would you do with this young lady if you had a chance? Yeah, what would you do with my mouth? What would you do with her mouth, Tyler? I would spit right in that mouth.

Oh, why don't you prove it right now? Becca. Come on, Becca. Why wouldn't you let this kid spit in your mouth? You seem like a horny feminine. That's his second date. Oh, shit.

What does he get on the first date? Anal. There you go. Tyler, you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? You good at anything? I wish, dude. Come on, there must be something. You must have won a trophy in your life or something.

A lot of participation awards. Yeah. You're have won a trophy in your life or something. A lot of participation awards. Yeah. You're not good at anything in the world at all. I used to brew beer. I was pretty good at that. You used to what? Brew beer. Oh.

But I realized I was just fueling my alcoholism, so I decided to just buy it at the store. So your whole family is alcoholics. How many alcoholics are we talking about here? You have brothers and sisters? One sister is. We had one uncle that was in rehab at 17. It's the whole bunch. Wow.

How about serious drugs? You ever do any serious drugs? I hope no one I know is watching this. Yes, of course. But not like... Let me say serious. I mean, obviously, like, I've done coke. I've done, you know...

All right, chill out. We get it. Mostly a hallucinogen guy. Acid mushrooms. Wow, look at you. Absolutely. My goodness gracious. What's the most fun thing you've ever done in your life?

The most fun? Honestly, this right now. This is fucking dope. Other than this. Other than this. Most fun thing I've done. Fuck, man. This is hard.

Is it hard? If she stands up one more time It will get hard Most fun thing you've ever done in your life That's my rape whistle I've done some long hiking trips Somebody rape me please Most interesting thing that's ever happened in your life? One joke I was thinking about doing I saw a lady die on a Greyhound bus

Is this real? This is real, yeah Okay, so where were you taking that? This was your bus ride from Boston? It was from, I was at school to another part of Connecticut Because my parents did not want to pick me up. Wow. Greyhound, just from school?

Yes. Is it because they didn't want to pick you up or they didn't want to drink and drive? That's probably it. Sounds like good parents to me. Wow. Well, Tyler, fun times. Decent set.

Horrible interview. You are just as boring as a fucking... I was not ready for this. You are just as flavorful as a glass of spring water. It is just incredible. You should have been ready for it. You signed up, and you got pulled out of the bucket. Tyler Brandt, everybody.

There he goes. There you go. He was not ready for this, ladies and gentlemen. I hate that. It's crazy when you put your name in a bucket and you are not ready for what could happen. Chris, can you look that way?

Just face that way. The name's Donna. Donna looks like... Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for John Adkins, everyone. It's the real John Adkins. Here he is. One more time for John Adkins, everyone. One more time for John Adkins, everyone.

Me and my friend were at Walmart, and on the way out, she said, I don't use those self-checkouts because they take jobs away from people who desperately need them. I said, bitch, you got three vibrators. I said, bitch, you got three vibrators. My parents watched too much Fox News. My parents watched so much Fox News that when I told them I was watching the movie X-Men,

they thought it was a documentary about Bruce Jenner. I know it's an election year, but I haven't been paying any attention to the coverage because I already know who I'm going to vote for. The rapper Ja Rule. Because when they ask about abortion, he'll say, it's murder!

It's murder! Holla, holla. Thank you. My name is John Adkins. Absolutely. John Adkins doing a super topical jaw rule joke there. Squeezing it in.

The best joke of that set ended with, bitch, you've got three vibrators. And the crazy part is that line works anywhere. That'll get a laugh anywhere. Doesn't matter what the setup is. Knock, knock, who's there? Bitch, you've got three vibrators.

See, I got a bigger laugh than you did with all that extra chunky setup. Speaking of extra chunky, you are the fattest Native American I've ever seen before in my life. Did you eat the rest of your tribe? My goodness gracious. What ethnicity are you?

I'm half white, half Panamanian. Half Panamanian. One of those fancy Mexicans. Is that what it is? Guy from Panama. We show up five minutes earlier than Mexicans. That's about it. Come here.

Come stand over here. Boo. Your back is turned to the fucking audience, John. I want them to see exactly what you look like. What did you say? Oh, okay. So one of your parents are from Panama? My mom.

Your mom's from Panama? You came out of her canal? How long have you been doing stand-up, John? One year. One year. What do you do for work? In my day job, I do IT for a biotech company. How about a night job?

What's your night job? I work for a pro wrestling company. Oh, really? What do you do for the pro wrestling company? I'm the ring announcer. Oh, cool. That's fucking awesome. And that's around here in San Diego? Yeah, it's called Fist Combat. Fist what?

Fist Combat. Fist Fumpet? Fist Combat. Fist Combat. Jesus Christ, man. Sounds hot. You got like a short tongue or something like that. Uh-oh. Becca's got bad ideas over there. She knows something about fist combat.

That's a third date for sure. So, John, you've been doing this for a year. You having fun with it? Oh, I love it. You originally from San Diego? No, I'm from Indiana. Indiana. Oh, okay.

Not the type of Indian I was expecting. At all. Very interesting. What do your parents do? They're retired. What did they used to do? My dad was in the Air Force. How about your mom? Just stay-at-home mom. Stay-at-home mom. Typical Panamanian.

Do you call her Panama? Typical Panamanian. Do you call her Panama? Did your dad ever tell you the sky's the limit? And then he's like, no, seriously, the sky is the limit. I'm in the Air Force. Wow.

Becca getting more drunk as the show goes on. A man in uniform is hot. Okay. I'd fuck your dad. Wow. You've never even seen him before. It doesn't matter. Oh my god. When you look like that it doesn't matter.

Wow. You have three more weeks to hit this before I am taken. Oh my god. Yeah, three weeks for sure. Joel Burke. If you got taken, even Liam Neeson would have saved you. You look like the Babadook, dude. Bitch, I look good.

Looks more like the Mamadook to me. Jesus, you are frightening Chroma Chris. This is... You just can't keep your eyes off of me. It's true. I can't because I want to make sure you're still just sitting over there that you haven't gotten any closer as this episode goes on. It's like Wendy's had cancer.

Yeah. The very last stage of it. It's true. It's absolutely true. This is what Carrot Top looks like when he wakes up in the morning. So, John, what do you like to do for fun when you're not doing any of your jobs? You must have a hobby or something like that, something that you're good at. I mean, wrestling and comedy takes up all my time.

I don't know. Just trying to get some ladies, I guess. Whoa, get some ladies? How's that going for you? Rapey! When's the last time you had sex with a woman? About a month ago. How'd that go down?

We went on a date and I got blackout drunk. But halfway through the date, we decided that we were both broke, so, like, I was gonna set up, like, a premium Snapchat for her. Uh-huh, and then what happened? I haven't really talked to her since then, but it's, like, in the works, so...

What about the sex part? How did that go down? I kind of remember, like, in-and-outs, like, parts of it, but... What are you talking about? The hamburger stand? Jesus Christ, dude. You can do me

animal style anytime. Oh, shit. That's the only style of sex I think you have. With grilled onions. Jesse Johnson. Wow. So, interesting.

How about the last time you had sex that you do remember? How'd that go down? How long ago was that? Probably like three or four months ago. Three or four months ago. What do you remember about that? Oh, that was in TJ. You were...

Oh. Wow. Did you pay for it? Yeah. How much did you pay? Well, like $200. $200? Wow, you got ripped off.

$200 to fuck TJ Miller? That's amazing. Jesus Christ. Wow. $ Christ. Wow. $200. What did you get for $200? An all-you-can-eat buffet as well? Yeah, I was like, it was basically all day.

All day? What do you mean all day? You get to keep coming back? Yeah, I got a hotel room for a couple hours and we're just there. Face the audience. You're squaring up to me while talking about fucking some Mexican hooker. It's at a whorehouse called

The Trough. You just come eat whenever you want. So they have a day pass to a whorehouse? I didn't know this. We're about to lose Red Band right now. You got your passport? Yeah. Let's fucking go. Who buys my car, dude. Why isn't my car, dude?

All right. Oh, my God. So how many times did you fuck this $200 hooker all day pass? Three and a half. Three and a half? What's the half? What happened that time? I was fucking tired, dude.

You were just tired. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. You hit the wall? I'm built for power, not stamina. What? I'm built for power, not stamina. Right. No. No. I can tell.

You've been out of breath since you got up here. Wow. You're supposed to hit the wall on your way back from TJ. Not halfway through the sex. It's a Mexican wall joke, everybody. Tried, not halfway through the sex. It's a Mexican wall joke, everybody. Tried to squeeze it in there twice. I loved it.

Thank you. Wow. Anything else crazy we should know about you, John, before we let you go? No, that's about it. Alright, there he goes. John Adkins, everyone. There's a lot of weird-looking people in this audience that I hope signed up tonight. I'm real excited about this. This episode is brought to you by Starbucks. Welcome back, winter, with a Starbucks drink in hand.

Whether you've been waiting for a pistachio latte and pistachio cream cold brew, or are in the mood to shake things up with the new iced hazelnut O'Shaken espresso, need to cozy up with a tea latte, there should be nothing stopping you from achieving all your goals. You've got this. Want to travel the world? International Experience Canada provides opportunities for young Canadians to get a work permit in over 35 countries and territories. Visit Canada.ca slash IEC.

A message from the Government of Canada. Make some noise for Nathan Driver, everyone. Make some noise for Nathan Driver, everyone. Nathan Driver is your next comedian on Kill Tony, live in La Jolla. Here he is. One more time, Nathan Driver. Hey, guys, how's it going?

I'm not doing too good myself. I'm not doing too good.. I'm not doing too good. I just found out my ex-girlfriend's still using my Netflix account. All right. Whose side are you on? Okay. I just found out my ex is still using my Netflix account. It's fucked up.

She's too good to text me back, right? But not too good to watch Office reruns on my dime. And the worst part is, I wouldn't even have known she was using it if she hadn't left her blinds open last night. And guys, I miss her. If I'm being honest, I can't stay mad at her. She's... I don't like my ex.

She had a dumb, hippie, white girl name. It made it worse because, like, whenever people would be like, what's wrong, I'd have to say, oh, Sequoia's not texting me back I'm getting left on read by a tree I don't like dumb names like that I like girls with guys' names, that's my thing

Blake Lively, she's cute A girl named Andy or something I just think it's hot when a girl has a guy's name I'm trying to fuck a chick named Robert, dude, I am into it Alright, that's it for me, thanks guys There you go, Nathan Driver I'm trying to fuck a chick named Robert, dude. I am into it. All right, that's it for me. Thanks, guys. There you go, Nathan Driver. There it is.

Welcome, welcome, Nathan. How are you? I'm good. Heck yeah. Why do you have the head of a newborn baby? That thing is miss fucking shaping. I shaved it today. Oh, it has nothing to do with how shaved it is, dude.

That thing's fucking lumpier than the president of the United States hit song, Lump. That thing is fucking, that looks like a fucking pile of yogurt right there, dude. Put your chin down. Show these people what I'm talking about. Put your chin down, Nathan. There you go. That's your chin down. Show these people what I'm talking about. Put your chin down, Nathan. There you go. That's your chin down. Look at that fucking face.

You know you have a lumpy head? I've shaved it today. I found out today. Oh, you just did this today for the first time. Wow. I saw you last night, Brian. I had long hair. Do you remember me? Yeah. Brian doesn't remember anything about last night.. I saw you last night, Brian. I had long hair. Do you remember me?

Brian doesn't remember anything about last night. I was at ACC last night. That's crazy. Very good. What made you shave your head today? I'm going bald. I just wanted to take a look and see what it was going to be like. Baseball caps for the rest of your life, bro. That's what you're dealing with.

Reality strikes. Fuck yes, Nathan. That's what you're dealing with. Reality strikes. Fuck yes, Nathan. That is exciting, though, that we got to see the debut of that fucking skull of yours. It's pretty fun. It's so cute. I just want to smell it.

I want a baby so bad. Wow. That's interesting. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. I can't. Nathan, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Two years.

A little over two years. All right. Well, I think you are headed in the right direction. Oh, thank you. I'm head over heels for this guy. I love it. So, two years. What do you do for work?

I work at a medical device company. Are you the head of the company? No, I just work. I'm gonna suck your dick by giving you head. Hey. Oh, Jesus. Wow, so

medical equipment, is that what you said? Yeah, continuous glucose monitors. Oh, okay. Does that help remove lumps from a head? No, it's for diabetics. No, okay. What do you think happened there exactly? So I'm a C-section baby. I don't know if that...

Oh, okay. I think... I don't know if... You can put some putty right in the middle and probably even it out. Yeah. There should be some type of mold for that or something.

It's not really just there either. It's the one right in the middle. Nope, not back there. Nope, go closer to the front. Keep going, keep going. Right there. Yeah, that one. Hello, Tony Hawk? Yeah, you can skate the middle of his head if you like. That one right there.

The top and back of your head looked like Joanna's forehead last night at the UFC. Sorry, it hurt me more than it hurt you. She's my friend. But that is what her forehead looked like. It is incredible. You have what they call a hematoma. Oh.

Luckily, hers will be down in one week, but you're going to have that for the rest of your life. Yeah, yours looks like Kimo Tomo. Hey! Look at that. Wow. I thought I looked kind of good. I was excited.

Wow, I can't imagine how shitty you looked with the hair last night then. Whenever you leave a bar now, you can say, I'm about to dip out. Why would he dip out? Because it dips in the middle of his head. Oh, that's right. That's right. Even Eddie Bravo doesn't think your head is round.

Doesn't make sense. Doesn't make sense. Doesn't really make sense. It's funny, but it doesn't make sense. Your head is the 10th planet. I think he looks sexy. I think he looks like if Gollum and Bill Cosby had a baby. Wow.

Look at that. Okay, Nathan. So you've been doing this for two years. What do you like to do for fun? I'm getting into editing and audio video stuff for comedy shows. That's pretty fun. Oh, great. Do you have any special skills or talents?

Do you ever do any art before or anything like that? No. Sports? I played football in high school. Wow. What position were you? I didn't play a lot. Did you hold the ball? You held the ball while the kicker kicked it up your head.

Can't even get it out. Looks like they forgot to give him a helmet. Chroma Chris. Every time you went to kick the ball, did Lucy pick it up? Charlie Brown, I get it. My goodness, Nathan. It's a fun show. What position did you play?

Strong safety. Oh, heck yeah. You look like Khabib Nurmagomed safety. Oh, heck yeah. You look like Khabib Nurmagomedov. Oh, my God. I was just like, you will never be head coach. It's weird that you played strong safety because your head's missing a corner back. Wow.

Nathan, anything else crazy about your life we should know about? No, not really. When it rains on you, it's going to make a little puddle in the middle. It's true. You can use it for drinking water right there in the middle. Can I just say I've never heard people make fun of the shape

Of someone's head before Well, Kill Tony episode 442 La Jolla number 2 This is it Always refillable Always the number one live podcast In the world It never ends

Football head podcast in the world. It never ends. Football hit. Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben. You guys might not know this because only the people at episode one here tonight could know, but there is a new thing. Much like there are Joelberg chants when Joelberg hits a big joke, Jet Ski Jesse Johnson has a newly crowned chant where we all

ride jet skis when she makes a killer joke. Ben, Ben Johnson has a newly crowned chant where we all ride jet skis when she makes a killer joke. And you make a noise like a jet ski. You'll see. It'll happen in a bit. You guys are part of the world starting this trend. So it started here in La Jolla.

Sideways hand job. And then she just spits water all over the crowd. Absolutely. Nathan, let me ask you this. What are you planning on, what are like your main goals in life with this

audio and editing and doing stand up and everything? I do this live dating show. It's like comedy in the dating game. And I like to do it kind of like what you're doing, where it's like a thing and it's on the road and you take it to clubs. Oh, that's great.

And I want to be able to film it so I can sell it a little bit. Absolutely. No, that's great. Super easy to do what we do. No, I'm kidding. Bachelor number one. What would you do with me on a first date? What are you?

Are you? Oh, you're the bride? Not yet. Sensitive subject. That's a bride. Maid of honor right here. Super happy for bitch. Okay.

I would take you to La Jolla. It's a really nice part. I would take you to the seals down here. There's like some seals. Oh, my God. Make out and, you know, maybe I'd let you touch my head if that's what you're into. So I'm just going to touch your head and look at seals on our date?

Is there anything more exciting? Possibly like dinner or a movie or anything like that? I mean, dude, the seals are really... The seals are... Oh, God. The seals are...

Okay, alright. I'm about to vomit. There he goes, Nathan Driver everybody How about a hand for the band up here tonight sounding unbelievable And I pulled another name Your next comedian goes by the name of Andrew Valish Andrew Valish

Andrew Valish Andrew Valish look at his face when he's concentrating look at his face when he's concentrating here he is Andrew Valish, everyone. Pretty sure I'm lonely.

Because every time I go out, I go out alone. Whenever I order Postmates, I order two meals to make it seem like I'm not alone. I gotta mix it up, you know? Can't order no pickles on both meals, right? That'd be too obvious. Getting stuff from Ikea sounds like a good idea, until I have to carry each box from my car. Awkwardly. So I'm balding.

It's getting pretty bad. I hate going to the barber shop. Because at the end, you know, they always turn you around and put a mirror behind your head. You know, like, what do you want me to say? It looks good. There you go, Andrew Valish. Lonely man.

Welcome, Andrew. Is that your first time doing stand-up comedy? Yes, it is. Hey, look at that. It's first time. stand-up comedy? Yes, it is. Hey, look at that. It's first time. Very good. Heck yeah. Word of advice.

Don't shave your head. I can just tell. Destiny has a weird way of foreshadowing things, and I can literally tell from this angle you'd have the same problem as old fucking lumpy old men over there. So welcome, Andrew. First time doing stand-up comedy. How old are you?

29. 29. Used to wrestle when you were in high school? Yeah. Yes, you did. You still take jiu-jitsu now? Yep. You sure do.

I thought your set was amazing. No, I'm kidding. I deserve that. You were a good wrestler. I thought your set was amazing. No, I'm kidding. I deserve that. You were a good wrestler. I can tell, right? I wrestled in Pennsylvania. Yep, that's exactly where good wrestlers are from. I've wrestled in Pennsylvania before in Doylestown.

You know that? The Top Gun tournament? Did you ever wrestle in that? I don't think so, no. No. What part of Pennsylvania did you wrestle in? Like Allentown area. Yeah, Allentown.

That's another big one. They're insanely famous for great wrestlers coming out, no. No. What part of Pennsylvania did you wrestle in? Like Allentown area. Yeah, Allentown. That's another big one. They're insanely famous for great wrestlers coming out of there. Totally. How old are you? I already asked you that? 29, yeah. Fuck yeah. I was just making sure that we've never wrestled before because we could have been in the same weight class.

You would have beaten the shit out of me. You have cauliflower hair. Yes, that's Red Band's uh red band things sports are gay everybody uh if you're wondering how you end up shaped like this bucket things sports are gay everyone you too aids yes very good yes aids everyone oh you got the other two fat people to clap at that show yeah skinny people all have AIDS. Anyway, Andrew. So what do you do for work now?

Like a UI designer and engineer. UI designer engineer. Self-driving car startup. Soft what? Self-driving car startup. Nice. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's awesome. Self-driving cars.

Fucking so cool. I love going into a center barrier at 80 miles an hour. That's awesome. Absolutely. It's totally the future, bro. That's so smart. Oh, I love machines just controlled by the same computer

that fucking remote controls are. Beautiful. How many people have you killed so far? Zero. How many self-driving cars have you killed so far? Zero. Zero. How many self-driving cars have you created so far? We have a few thousand people using them. Yeah? Like what? What are they called?

It's called Kama.ai. You just install it on a car, like a Toyota or a Honda. Oh, that sounds fucking horrible. You have people installing this in Toyotas and Hondas and just sitting back Even though they don't make enough money to buy a fucking Tesla These people just sitting back On their fucking Twitters and Instagrams

Just talking about their shitty Democratic political views Because they're poor and they need extra money Given to them because they have a fucking Honda Am I close to right about this? Alright How many cameras does it use? It's just one camera.

One camera. That's not going to work. No, no, no. That's all we're using tonight. What was that? We're only using one camera and we're driving fine. Wow. Some drunk bachelorettes up here tonight. Wow. Andrew, what do you

like to do for fun when you're not working? Yeah, jujitsu. What else? Yeah, I mean, I sort of play the drums. What? What do you mean you sort of play the drums? How long have you been playing the drums for?

Since I was a kid. Since you were a kid? What? Get your ass out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here, Joel. Go, you fucking idiot. Why are you going that way? Jesus Christ. Well, Andrew, I got

bad news for you. You gotta put the mic in that mic stand. Then let's slide that mic stand over there a little bit behind Jared. Behind... There you go. That works. Fuck yeah. Andrew, this is a Mexican drum off.

Now, Andrew, I don't know if you know exactly how this works. Are you a fan of the show? Oh, he's really adjusting the drums and shit. Oh, shit. Oh, that's some insider information. Turns out Andrew Valish actually brought the drums for Joel tonight, which leads me to believe this is Andrew's drum kit.

Is that correct? Wow. Home team advantage. Let me tell you something. This is history right here. In the history of Mexican drum-offs, which Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez has never lost, he's never competed against somebody on their own drum set.

There is a chance that here tonight on La Jolla, number two, that Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez will lose his job. If this is true, Andrew, if this happens, that means you have to come with us to Los Angeles for tomorrow's show live from the Comedy Store, sold out in the main room in Hollywood, California. And that also means Joel has to start teaching Hondas and Toyotas how to self-drive themselves. He gets to take your job. Now, this is an interesting situation because, of course, Joel Berg has never lost before. Andrew,

I must remind you, you can use the entire stage. You can do anything comedic at any point to help your case. Lord knows Joel is going to. He is famous for saying that he will die on this stage before losing a drum off. In the end, you guys decide. This is a Mexican drum off. And this is Andrew Valish. Wow. Is that it? No backflips or anything?

All right. Andrew Valish, deciding to stick with just playing the drums. He kept all of his clothes on. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God! The Purple Tildo has rhinestones on it. And a staple gun! He's got a staple gun. He's got a luchador mask. I didn't even say his name and he came out like a complete unprofessional. I'm sorry, Tony. I couldn't fucking take this loser. There's literally one rule.

I've been wanting to fucking fuck my high school science teacher for a long time. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, undefeated all time, going up against a guy on his own drum set. I present to you, defending his throne, perhaps 40-0 all time in Mexican drum-offs, the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. He moved my shit.

Wow, he's resetting the drums. We've never seen Joel shaken before at the beginning of a drum-off like this. This is very interesting. This reminds me of the beginning of Fury Wilder. Shaken? Get the fuck out of here. All right, here he is. Oh, no! He sucked his own dildo

He sucked his own dildo Wow Wow! Holy shit! Oh my god! Wow! Wow! Oh, my God. Wow. Oh, my God. What is he going to do now? Oh, he's sucking his dildo.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my. Oh, he just spit out a rhinestone out of the dildo. Oh, my God Oh, he just spit out a rhinestone out of the dildo. Oh, my God. Mind completely blown. Tony, when he was... It got so gay for a second. Somebody call the fucking cops.

It got so gay for a second that the black guy put his own shirt over his face so that he literally could not pause. Oh, he's stapling his dildo. Oh, my God. There's actual staples going into the dildo. Oh, he's stapling his dildo. Oh my God. There's actual staples going into the dildo. Oh my. Oh!

Jesus Christ. Oh, this is chaos. Red band. Tony, when he was playing the drum so hard, one of the jewels came off of his dildo and landed on my cheek. Oh my god. Wow. I mean this one, unbelievable

battle. Let's see what happens here. This is very exciting. Ladies and gentlemen, I must ask, as always, how many of you have Andrew Valish winning the Mexican drama? How many of you have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez winning that drama?

He's got a bottle of fireball in his mouth. He's got a little bottle of fireball. Oh, is that fireball? I just fucked your dreams, nerd. Get the fuck out of here. I'm keeping your drum kit. Guys, how about a big round of applause

for Andrew Vallis trying his best. Very close. Very close, man. If that guy would have fucking taken his shirt off and sucked on a dildo, I think it would have been a lot closer. But in the end, Joel Berg,

how about another hand for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez? Showing why. Oh! Oh! Wow! There you go. Rhinestone, straight off the dildo. The audience member is so happy about it. Look how happy that guy is. Incredible. Just fucking incredible. Hear that? That's the sound of waves crashing on a beach. And that? That's the sound of ice

clinking in your favorite drink. The secret to making your retirement dreams come true is simple. Lower your investment fees. If your retirement savings are in high fee mutual funds, you could be losing a lot of your money to those fees. With Quest Wealth Portfolios, your investments are managed for you at a fraction of the cost so you can earn more and make your retirement dreams come true. Get started today All right. We have a special treat for you guys. This guy is a legend on the Howard Stern show. He's only been on Kill Tony once before because of him being on the show and coming to the show.

Our show got talked about on Howard Stern. Both Stern and Robin know of Kill Tony. He's been a whack packer for over 20 years. This is the second time ever on Kill Tony. Make some noise for Speech Impediment Man. Here he is. What's happening? I got

major boner right now. But no, I almost didn't make it here today. I got pulled over by right now. But no, I almost didn't make it here today. I got pulled over by a cop. He goes, excuse me, sir, you been drinking? You're kind of slurring your words. I go, you

been eating donuts? Your eyes look glazed over. Yeah, I'm having some problem with my Alexa. Every time I talk to it, it calls 911 since I'm having a fucking stroke. Yeah, my love life kind of sucks, too. Last night I came home from work, so my blow-up doll hid it from me in the closet.

Yeah, I'm getting into computer porn, but I think I got a virus. I keep getting my dick caught in the keyboards. I've been going to a trainer trying to lose weight, and I go, what machine do I need to work out with to lose weight? And he looks me straight in the eye and goes, for you, the ATM machine. Why?

Why? Why the ATM machine? Oh, no. The cord unplugged. Even God can't stand the sound of your voice. Look at that. Whatever can go wrong will with this stuff.

It doesn't twist in. It's just a simple... Here, hand it to Becca over here. She has a lot of common sense. And a block. Leave it to a woman to fix it. Because... Why would an ATM help you lose weight?

Because an ATM... An ass-to-mouth machine, Demi. Okay, very good. Thank you, Becca. But get me money so I can go out with the girls. Oh, okay. Get it? Yeah, now I get it.

Okay. Sort of. I sort of get it. Very good speech impediment, man. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy again? Since 96. Since 96. How about a you been doing stand-up comedy again? Since 96. Since 96. How about a hand for this guy, everybody?

Thank you. Came all the way down. Came all the way down from Los Angeles, right? You've been here this weekend. You told me a couple weeks ago that you were coming down to San Diego. Came from Orange County, Garden Grove. Orange County. Is that where you live, or you live in New York full-time?

Yeah, Garden Grove. I was in New York, then Tennessee, then Dallas, now back to California. How come you moved around so much? Hiding from bill collectors. Oh, okay. That's an honest answer. Fuck yeah. How do you make extra money?

I know you must have some stuff going on with the Stern Show, right? Yeah. Every once in a while I do shows, they give me some money. But I have a real job. I'm a security guard. You're a security guard? Yeah. Oh, my God.

That's frightening. Remember, it's a bank, too. Oh, it's a bank. That's right. I do remember now. Yeah. The most robbed bank in the history of banks. Right.

Good Lord. Hey, get back here. Right. My goodness gracious. How long have you been working security at that bank? I've been there for two and a half years. Two and a half years. What did you do before that?

I worked for the Garden Grove School District as a janitor. Oh, shit. Yikes. My god. You around kids? Yes. Well, I worked that night. Uh-huh. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's when

you're allowed. Yes. That's when you're allowed. Yes. That's when you're allowed in. Absolutely. What do you think about these beautiful women to your right here? I got a major boner. I kind of like the drummer. I've always had a heart for Latino chicks.

You do? Wow. Dude, I would ruin your asshole, dude. My God. Well, what do you mean? You're a woman. How would you ruin his asshole? Why don't you let him suck on one of your nipples? How many of you want to see? Free the nipple!

Yeah! You go first Joel jumped up by the way No one like forced him to jump up You saw that right I'm a team player bitch Speech impediment man You want to give one of her nipples a little kiss? I've got

teabagged on Howard Stern as well. Whoa! That's what happens when the cripple meets the nipple. Fuck yeah. Let's check in with Becca. What if her sweet nectar

fixes speech impediment immediately? He's like, thank you, Tony. I've had a great time being here. Sweet nectar? I think my nipple has corona now. Hold on a second. I just noticed something. Speech impediment, man.

Shut the fuck up for a second. I just noticed something. What's your name again? That's my friend Patricia Patricia I just noticed something I know don't fix it what the fuck is that exactly right there I think Finkel might

be Einhorn on this one Oh my god Patricia You are hung like a fucking Donut Jesus Christ It's that nipple thing She looks like she has me in a leg lock

Oh my god You're fucking hung like Brody Stevens over here I have a flat Oh my god, you're fucking hung like Brody Stevens over here. I have a fa- Oh my god. What the fuck was that? Hold on, what was that? Peek-a-boo. Enjoy that.

Yes. Speech impediment, man. You having fun up here? Yeah, always. What else have you enjoyed about San Diego this weekend? The women. Oh yeah? What did you do with a woman? Drive it down. Just kind of look.

Just look around. I can't do anything. You can't do anything. When's the last time you had sex with a woman? Stand over here and face the audience. Two and a half years ago when I was married. Wait, two and a half years ago you were working at the school. Well, three and a half years ago I was married.

You were married? How long were you married for? Three years. Oh, wow. What happened there? Why'd that come to an end? What happened with speech impediment woman? Unfortunately, she... Okay. She liked to spend money and it was my money she... Okay. She liked to spend money, and it was my money she was spending.

Oh, what was she spending it on? Was she going down to Tijuana all day passes? Probably. Probably. Well, Speech Impediment Man, it is an honor to have a legend from the Stern Show on this show. We thank you so much for coming here.

Make some noise for Speech Impediment Man, everybody. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. He's got a walking impediment, too. I don't think the speech is the only thing. He walks like he talks. Do you think he knew that Joel was a boy? I'm kind of up in the air about it.

There you go. Oh, my name fell out. Let's see what this is. Make some noise for Cameron Finn, everyone. Cameron Finn. Cameron. Here he is. One more time for Cameron

Finn, everybody. So, I got laid last weekend, which is a miracle. I saw a girl at the bar looking like a lost puppy dog so obviously she was vulnerable and we ended up back at my house and when she took off her jacket she had really awful tattoos so low self-esteem jackpot and I

noticed she had a tattoo of the band Brand New on her arm, which if you guys don't know, they got canceled last year. Their singer was a rapist. And one thing led to another. We start making out, and only thing I could think was, like, this girl obviously doesn't

care, so, you know. Luckily, she was willing. Luckily for her. All jokes. Cameron Finn. So what the fuck happened exactly? Alright, so I forgot a good part of that, which is why...

It must have been the good part. Yeah, so did she. Hey! Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben! No, okay, so this band, they got canceled because their singer, you know, was a molester or whatever. But I mentioned that to her when I saw her tattoo and I asked, did you stop listening to them because of that? And when I asked her that, she's like, oh, women are liars.

It's a shame to report it. Basically, like, she was conservative, like, you know, Tony. But what? What does that mean? Basically, she was conservative, like Tony. What? What does that mean? Do you know what conservative means? Yeah, you don't believe women. Anyway. What?

Wait, what? What did you say? I literally can't understand you. I'm sorry. What did you say? I said, yeah, if you're conservative, you don't believe women. You don't believe women? That's not how it works at all.

Okay. So let's talk about it. Is it karaoke time? All right. So then what happened with you and this chick? Okay, so the end of it, which apparently everyone didn't hear, but we did end up hooking up, but

what I was thinking in my head was she doesn't care about rape, so obviously, if it didn't go my way, either way, it would have. So you would have just raped her? Is that what you're saying? That was the joke, but you know.

Wow, that's so conservative of you. Are you saying she was conservative because she was shaped like an elephant? There you go. The sound of an elephant, everybody. All right, Finn, let's talk about it. First time doing stand-up? Yes, obviously. Very good. There it is. The first time. The goat of the first time for Cameron and Finn.

Thank you. How old are you? 32. What ethnicity are you? Ambiguous, but Mexican and Italian. Mexican and Italian. Okay. Can't clap for that. He's Mario. He's what? Because he's Mexican and Italian. that He's Mario He's what?

Cause he's Mexican and Italian So he's Mario Wow Mexican and Italian That's a rare combination Dad's Italian? Yes And he fucked your Mexican mother?

He did in multiple ways He fucked her over and after he fucked her How did? He did, in multiple ways. He fucked her over and after he fucked her. How did he fuck her over? Um, he was... Gave her a retarded son? Oh, come on. How dare you? The audience loves that.

He was abusive. In what way? Physically, emotionally. Was he abusive to you? He was, yes. We way? Physically, emotionally. Was he abusive to you? He was, yes. Really? We're estranged from each other. He was a little conservative.

Yeah, exactly. Us rapey, child-beating conservatives. You know exactly what it is. You must get all your news from MSNBC. I love it. So, wow, When's the last time you talked to your dad? I was about 15 years old.

I saw him a couple times since then, but, you know, no real talk. Where'd you see him at? Family gatherings, you know. As soon as I see him show up,

usually, he would just take off. So, unconsensually. Non-consensual meetings. Wow. You say hi to him and then, like, look at the ground immediately and go, hi, Dad. It all comes back and I leave.

And then you try to forget about it. I forget about it. Fuck yeah. So is that true that that happened last weekend with the girl? I wrote this last weekend, so the weekend before last weekend. Okay. Have you talked to her since then? with the girl? I wrote this last weekend, so the weekend before last weekend. Uh-huh. Okay. Have you talked to her since then?

She's texted me a few times, but we haven't seen each other. You don't respond? What is this, your father? I didn't see any long-term potential in it, so kind of just let it fizzle out. Oh, there you go. Absolutely. You do that with a lot of girls?

Are you a little player? No. You know, I try often, but not usually successful. But it doesn't matter. I take them home anyway. Ha ha. What do you do for work, Cameron?

Patricia, will you put your shirt back on, bitch? Free the nipple, bitch. What do you do for work, Cameron? I work for a law firm doing case management. What do you mean, case-o? I just manage their clients for them, basically. You do what for the clients? I talk to them, take all their details.

Oh, okay. All right, that's fun. Do you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? I make music on the side. What kind of music do you make? I like to play punk rock music, but also a little bit of hip hop. Yeah? You play an instrument or anything like that?

I play drums, but you guys already fucked my... Right. No, I know. Do you play any other instruments? I play a little but you guys already fucked my... Right, I know. Do you play any other instruments? I play a little bit of bass. I like to play the finger drums. Instead, why don't you just sing us a song? Why don't you do...

You could do hip-hop. You could do anything you want. You want acapella? You want a little beat? You guys play any song. Play like a fucking 90s song or something. What kind of 90s song? Why don't you be a little bit more specific?

That's the opposite of any song, by the way. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let the band fucking play it. That's why we have a band. And that guy's got Radiohead dialed in. No, I'm not a singer, but I've never sang anything before. You said hip-hop. What do you do with hip-hop?

That's what I was saying. I like to smack on the drum pads and maybe let somebody else rap for me. I've never sang anything before. You said hip-hop. What do you do with hip-hop? That's what I was saying. I like to smack on the drum pads and maybe let somebody else rap for me. I've never been more confident I could fist fight a guy in my life. It's okay. Usually my roommate raps with me. He's here with me. I have a few of those. Sign of fear, bringing someone else up.

All right, go ahead. What do you do? You guys ready? One, two, three, four. up. All right. What do you do? You guys ready? One, two, three, four. Tony's conservative and he's a nerd and

shit and he got offended. No more? Sing. I'm not back from that ledge, my friend. I would understand. Oh, you're fucking horrible, dude. It's dog shit. Woo! Play anything. This is I would understand. Oh, you're fucking horrible, dude. It's dog shit. Play anything.

I would understand. Cameron, you suck, dude. You suck. My God. You said you told the band to play any song, and they started playing, and you bailed like your father. No, they played Radiohead.

I was going to sing it. You canceled it. I'd rather listen to Brand New right now. You look like if the movie Coco was cast with earthworms. All right. There he goes. Cameron Finn, everybody. On to the next one we go.

Back to theip Bucket. You guys having fun out there? Yeah! Your next comedian goes by the name of Carlton Hedens. Carlton Hedens. Who would step back from that ledge, my friend? One more time, Carlton Hedens. Hey, how's it going?

My name's Carlton Hedens. I do love my it going? My name's Carlton Hedens. I do love my name, except when I tell people my name. I say, hey, my name's Carlton. They're like, you're not black. I say to people, my name's Carlton. They're like, oh, can you do the dance? I'm like, no, sorry, I can't really. Love my birthday you used to love my birthday january 28th

my seventh birthday when teacher touched me made me very sad 1986 1986 teacher like took off 30 seconds in, turned into fireworks. Made me cry, along with all my other people in the class, because, you know, when you can't do, when you can do, you do. When you can't do, you teach or try to be an astronaut. Yeah, anyway. Carlton Heaton. Hi, Carlton. Hi, anyway. Carlton Heaton. Hi, Carlton.

Hi, Tony. First time doing stand-up comedy? Yes, sir. Fuck yeah, first time for Carlton. The ghost. There it goes. Shit. So, Carlton, how old are you?

Well, I was going to say, if you did the math on the last joke, I'm old as fuck, but I'm 41. I didn't understand what you just said, but I got the 41 part. 41 is what I heard. What do you do for work? Inventory control for a pharmaceutical company. Jesus, you're responsible for that? You're high on your own supply, aren't you? Oh, my God.

I am, yeah. Yikes. How long have you been doing that for, Carlton? 15 years. 15 fucking years. Do you have any Xanax? Whoa.

I believe Becca. Later. Wow. What do you like to do for fun, Carlton? What's interesting about you? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to drive

an 18-wheeler just for no reason. I like going to concerts, comedy shows, sporting events. What type of concerts have you seen lately that you absolutely love that everybody should have to check out? Caravan Palace. Oh, Caravan Palace. Never heard of them.

Yeah, they're... Okie dokie. Yeah, no, they're really good. They're like a techno with uh old school uh swing so like is that them that's them lone digger yeah it sounds great anyway so uh you go to concerts by yourself you take someone with you usually uh most of the time i have people with me yes like who who do you tend to hang out with you have? Most of the time I have people with me, yes. Like who? Who do you tend to hang out with? You have buddies? Yeah. From the pharmaceutical place?

Girlfriends? A few. You said girlfriends. Well, it depends on the year. Okay. How about lately? What's your love life like now, Carlton? Pretty decent. Yeah, like what? What are we talking about? Well, you know, if you asked them last time, it was probably Friday.

Ooh, Friday. What happened on Friday? Had sex. Yeah? With who? Hi. With a friend. With a friend?

Is that what you said? Yes, with a friend. How long have you and this friend been having sex for? Four or five months. Yeah. Off and on for a couple months? Just friends with benefits, or is it starting to get serious or anything like that? She ask for money yet? No. I guess friends

with benefits. So like Friday, for example, where'd you have sex at? In your bedroom? Hers? Kitchen? Hers. Oh, okay. And what was that like? Did she have a dog or a cat or anything? Two cats. We closed the door. Oh, kept the cats out. Why? Why did you do that?

We don't need the cats in the bed. You should. Try it out. Disgusting. I'm working for you, Harry. I don't need cats. They like to watch. Pussy's pussy. So bad. Wow.

Carlton, what else? What else are you into when you're not going to concerts or having sex with friends? Sporting events XFL? No, UFC and baseball Double XFL? Hey, you are a big boy

What do you like to eat? What's the deal here? You a late night eater? I am because I stay out do you like to eat? What's the deal here? You a late night eater? I am because I stay out late. Yeah. Yeah. You like to eat food in bed? I sit on the edge of the bed. Yeah.

Okay. Hey. Sit at the edge of the bed. Yeah. What's the last meal you ate at the edge of your bed? What are we talking about here? In and out double double. Oh, look at you, you fucking dirty bird.

Wait, which one is Red Band and which one is comic? No, he sits at the edge of the bed. Red Band sits in the middle of his bed. It's like sitting on a kitchen table that's comfortable. Why wouldn't you do it? No, yeah, absolutely. That's the only way you get a shape like that. That's why I asked. You have to literally eat in bed.

Guys, this is freaking me out. I can't tell them apart anymore. It is pretty close here. We got Red Band and Brown Band up here having a fucking band off. Twin Band. Get away from me.

Fucking. My goodness. Look at all those. Ugly bitch. Wow. Have you been a big boy your whole life? No. This is a newer thing.

How old are you? 41. Oh, yeah. That's right. I knew that. Fuck yeah, man. It's called IPAs. IPAs.

Ew. Yeah. Intestinal problems. Anonymous. Yikes. I love it, Carlton Do you have any plans on losing that? Or are you just going to let yourself go like fucking Weep, weep, weep, weep

I would like to lose it, yes Absolutely What do you say? How many jumping jacks do you think you can do right here with your shirt off? No shirt off How many of you want to see this guy take his shirt off and do some jumping jacks? Look at these. Look, look, look.

Come on. Carlton, I'll take that. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Carlton. Carlton, stop the music. Carlton, you got to take that fucking shirt off bro

yeah yeah this is Kill Tony. It's starting to smell up here. Can we stop? Oh, yeah, dude. All right. There's only one thing to do now.

How many of you want to see Red Band do jumping jacks with his shirt off? Let's go, Red Band. Look at these people. Look at these people. Oh, don't shake your shirt. Red Band. Red Band. Red Band.

Red Band. Red Band. Red Band. Red Band. Red Band! Red Band! Red Band! Red Band! Red Band! Red Band! Red Band! I'll just turn all the mics off so it sounds like you ain't saying shit. All right, Red Band.

We're just kidding around. I just wanted to see how excited everybody could get. I ain't getting paid. No, don't boo him. Don't boo him. No. All right. No.

He'll do Apple Jacks, but not jumping jacks. All right. There he goes. Carlton Heedens, everybody. Hey. You're stupid. You have got to give. You've got to give.

That's the way it is Okay. Okay. Another Southern California sounding name. Make some noise for Raul Zambrano, everybody. Raul Zambrano, everybody. Raul! That's the way it is. If you want to be my lover, you have got to hear. That's the way it is.

Raul Zambrano, everybody! Thank you. I do want to say this up front. Let me say this up front. Fuck fat people. Fuck fat people, please, for the love of God. Somebody fuck me! I do like starting with that joke because half the audience is like,

does he know? I was riding Uber yesterday and my Uber driver decided to blow through a stop sign and then yell out, No cop, no stop! out loud. Like we were boys out on a joyride. And I didn't know how many stars I was going to rate him at the end of the ride, you know? Because that's super unprofessional, and you're putting the safety of your passenger in danger.

But at the same time, fuck yeah, dude. Woo! Fuck yeah. It's always exciting when we have the same comedian up two comedians in a row. I love that you took your baseball cap off to come back up here and join us again. Yeah, how many flapjacks can you do?

Yeah, how many of you guys want to see this guy do jumping jacks with his shirt off, huh? Yeah, you gotta do it, bro. Hurry it up. No, no. You gotta take your shirts off, dude. There's only one kind of... Oh, God.

Oh, this one's gonna be extra jumping. We the best music. Another one. Do it, dude. Oh, shit. Another one. Do it, dude. Oh, shit. That way. This is Kill Tony. This is literally the dumbest show in all of comedy.

I have no idea how we sell out every venue. Somewhere Bert Kreischer is jacking off to this episode. Newsflash, you played yourself. What? Newsflash, you played yourself. It's a DJ Khaled joke. He looks like him. You get your own dick rape whistle.

Congratulations. There you go. A little partying gift for you. There you go. Blow it. No gift for you. There you go. Blow it. No, it's adorable. Hi, Raul. Welcome.

How long have you been doing stand-up for? Six years. Six years. Awesome. All of it here in San Diego? Yeah, I was born and raised here. Born and raised. What part of town?

Chula Vista. Yep. You nailed it. Take your shirt off, bitch. Take your shirt off, bitch! Take your shirt off! Take your shirt off, you bitch! Take it off! Take it off!

So Chula Vista, born and raised. What do you do for work, Raul? I do freelance video production and caretaker for a quadriplegic. Oh, caretaker for a quadriplegic. Wow. Wow, fourtaker for a quadriplegic. Wow. Wow, four people. That's cool. My goodness.

How long have you been working with this quadriplegic? I think about like two years or so. What happened to them? How did they become a quadriplegic? You accidentally roll over on them? Well, he was hit by a car. He's also a comic, by the way. Oh, okay.

Yeah. I love it. I love it. How long ago did he become a quadriplegic? I think it's 15 years, something like that. And you help him out a lot, huh? Does that make you feel good? I mean,

no. Just because he's a bit of a dick. He's a dick, but he pays you. Yes, exactly. God damn right. Absolutely. Abso-fucking-lutely. He might not be able to move his limbs, but he can move that fucking money around.

You know what I'm talking about? You said he's a comic? Yeah. Is all his material about it, or about? You said he's a comic? Yeah. Is all his material about it or is he just like a super racist comic? No, he mixes it up

pretty good. He does it both. He talks about his disability and he's racist. I love it. So Raul, you've been doing this six

years. Any highlights of your career so far other than this, the greatest moment of your entire comedy career happening right now live?

I mean, I did do some big shows. I did a tour and one of the shows was over 300 people, which was probably the biggest audience I performed for. What kind of tour was it? Was it Olive Garden's tour of Italy? Actually, you're not far off. It was all kind of like restaurant, bar, winery tours and stuff.

Heck yeah. Absolutely. Raul, what do you like to do for fun? Any hobbies or anything like that? I do a lot of sketches and do a podcast and do karaoke. What kind of karaoke do you do? Karaoke. What's your big karaoke song? Like Rebel

Yell by Billy Idol. That's kind of my main song that I do. What's that one? What's that? Say that again? Rebel. Rebel Yell. Yeah, yeah. Rebel Yell. By Billy Idol. Alright, well, let's see what that sounds like here.

You're going to go in the style of Billy Idol? Alright, well, here it goes. This is all you, dude. Alright. Singing Rebel Yell in the style of Billy Idol. The crowd's going crazy. It's a 16-measure introduction we have here. We all might be quadriplegic by the end of this.

Here we go. You better sing your fucking heart out. I lost not a little dancer Came dancing to my door. Last night a little angel came pumping on the floor. She said, come baby, I got a license for love. And if it expires, rain out from above. Because in the midnight hour, she cried more, more, more.

With the rebel yell, she cried more, more, more. In the midnight hour, babe, more, more, more. With the rebel yell, more, more, more. More, rebel yell more more more more more more more. Wow, that was awesome. Awesome. Great set. Great interview. You did it all. You gave

the crowd everything that we fucking wanted. Raul Zambrano everybody. Fuck yeah, dude. That's exactly how it's done. Follow him on Instagram at RaulZComedy, all one word. Carlton is KWHedens, H-E-D-E-N-Z.

Cameron Finn is Cameron underscore Finn on Instagram. Would you guys like a special treat? I'm going to be honest with you guys. It sort of annoyed me. David Lucas, who was with me all weekend, and it was at the first show he had to leave, go to Los Angeles to take his mother to the airport. Yes.

You know how it is with black mothers. They need their sons to do everything for them. Am I right? Thank you. Thumbs up. Thumbs up. And it's also very unfortunate that William Montgomery had to work at the storage facility today. And he did not make it.

I was quite shocked, quite disappointed. However, there is a third regular on this show. This man has taken everything over by storm. I always put him up third because I'm afraid of anyone following him that's a regular on this show. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him, you love him. It's the one and only Michael Laird! Thank you! Guys, get your fucking fat legs out of the way.

Michael Lair, everybody! Michael Lair, everybody! Guys, you need to make fucking noise. Michael Lair came here today. A long drive for you people. I can give a fuck about any of your noise. Alright? Look.

Oh, look. If I ride the bus, it has to transform into a ramp. Excuse everyone's day by 30 minutes. I'm all for disability rights, but there's gotta be a limit. Look, don't feel bad for me, feel bad for the doctors. Drop a half a million on medical school just so every grandma with Google can second guess everything you say. Yeah. Awesome. Awesome. There you go.

Another brand new minute from the great Michael Lair, everybody. Michael Lair having the time of his life. First night ever in La Jolla, correct? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. here we go. Yeah. I told you it was Second City when I was not a mutant. You're not a mutant. You're not a mutant. No, mutant like an X-Men.

Yeah, mutant. Yeah, I'm Professor Six. Hey, I like that. I like that. Alright, take your shirt off. Let's see how many jumping jacks you can do. How many? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. It's impossible.

Wait a second. Oh shit. Something's happening. He handed off Hold on a second. Oh shit. Something's happening. He handed off. Hold on a second here. He handed off his sunglasses. Oh my God. Whoa. We need scissors. Help him Help this fucking guy rip his shirt Wow, even Four men can't even rip his shirt Shout out to Hanes His shirt is stronger than his will to survive.

My goodness. What kind of shirt is that? Vegetable of the loom? All I have to say is stop. Stop. Stop by Stop the truck.

Why would we stop the truck? Stop the truck. What? He's still trying to get this fucking shirt off. He's gonna get it. Get naked or die trying is what this set's called. He needs magnets. Magnets. Target! Target!

Davy Crockett? Target Target, oh, okay, yeah Target I hate five people trying to remove my shirt. They were unsuccessful.

Target! That's right. I think you might be able to get a new sponsor. Sir. Expect more, pay less. Target. What? I love it.

Michael Laird has been drinking between the two shows, everybody. He went from ALS to IPA real quick. Zero hops. Zero hops. Just like you. That was his joke.

That's what you were saying. Okay. I gotcha. I gotcha. I know. You are an interpreter on my jokes sometimes. I am. I am. Sometimes we help each other. I wasn't here.

You weren't here when the band came out? Yeah. Yeah. They are a bachelorette party. And you look like a guy at the end of his bachelor party right now. I'll fuck you up, Michael. Jesus, I fucking love it. So, Michael, what else, pal?

How do you feel about tonight? I'm having the time of my life. Fuck it. Yeah. And if any of you fuck with me, I'll cut you fucking too. Yeah, I would not fuck with him if I was you.

Any of the bachelorettes here have something they want to say following that? I was just going to say, he looks like the worst stripper at a bachelorette party I've ever seen. I love it. I love it. He gives lap dances, but you have to sit on his lap. Hey, if I'm coming, I'm not caring. It's Becca. I hope that somebody edits this video out of context and it just looks like five people just tried to rip this disabled man's shirt off.

A Corey Feldman movie. I'm sure they will now. Fuck yeah. Michael Ayer, anything else you want to say to these people? I fucking love you. We all love you. Thank you. Hey. Yeah. I fucking love you we all love you hey all I care about

like obviously I keep it a little obviously you keep it a little what? loose yeah god damn right but two shows I did a real good job. You're goddamn right you did.

Abso-fucking-lutely. Absolutely. The only regular to make it all the way down and do both shows. It's fucking unbelievable. I can't tell you how grateful we are. You guys grateful to see Michael Lair live? There he goes. Come on. Let's see how loud this place can get. Make some noise for Michael

Lair, everybody. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. That's how you fucking do it. Abso-goddamn-lutely. And there he goes. He's rolling. He's riding.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun All right. Then let's dig deep here. Let's find one. Did we get a woman up yet? No? All right. Let's go till we find a woman, shall we? Does that sound cool with you guys? Yeah. I'm guessing Angel P is a dude.

That's my guess. Am I right? Angel P is a guy? Yeah. Yeah. All right. Here we go. Your final comedian of the night, if everything goes smoothly enough, goes by the name of

Katie Orchard, everybody. Katie Orchard. Here we go. Come on, everybody. Make some noise. Your final comedian of the night, Katie Orchard. Make some noise, your final comedian of the night, Katie Orchard.

Thank you. So I went home for Christmas, or as we say in New York, Hanukkah. And I got to spend some time with my sister, who's great. My sister and I are built like rich and poor people used to be built, because I inherited the Irish gene, known as poor, and she inherited the Italian gene, known as poor, and she inherited the Italian gene, known as being a fat bitch.

You guys, that's a family-friendly joke because my sister is a dog, you know? The main difference between being the Irish one versus the Italian one, mainly different dads, you know? So I took that love language test online and turns out my love language disabled which makes sense because I was into guys in a wheelchair

for a bit because like free rides but the hottest kind of disabled is for sure like retard strength, you know? But I couldn't find one of them to date, so I just compromised and I'm dating someone from Jersey, you know? There you go. Katie Orchard.

If you like dudes in a wheelchair with retard strength, I don't know, Michael Lehrer is here and in the flesh. He was the only one to be able to create any separation in that wife beater. These four guys started yanking on it. It started coming back together again. I don't know what happened there. Welcome. How about one more time for Katie, everybody?

Hi, Katie. How long have you been doing stand-up for? A year and a half. A year and a half. Awesome. What happened there? Welcome. How about one more time for Katie, everybody? Hi, Katie. How long have you been doing stand-up for? A year and a half. A year and a half. Awesome. You're from here in San Diego? I'm from New York.

Oh, how long have you been out here? Just over eight years. Eight years. What brought you to San Diego? He doesn't matter anymore. Oh, it was a guy. Bye. Thank you, girl.

Former soldier. Was he in the Marines? Yeah, Marines. Yep, absolutely. And he was able to get you out of here. How did you meet him originally? Summer camp. Wow.

Yeah, sorry. What kind of summer camp are we talking about? Sleepaway camp, upstate New York, where you just live in cabins and do outdoor shit. Oh, okay. So you're from upstate New York, where you just live in cabins and do outdoor shit. Oh, okay. So you're from upstate New York. I'm from Long Island. My parents just were like, we're tired. Go up there for a bit.

Oh, I hate upstate New York with a passion. Do you know that? What part did you live in? We stayed just on Lake George. Okay. I don't know. Yeah. All right.

Cool. What do you do for a living? I'm a freelance artist. Okay. Heck yeah. How about now? Do you have a boyfriend now? I do. What do you do for a living? I'm a freelance artist. Okay, heck yeah. How about now? Do you have a boyfriend now? I do. What does he do?

You guys saw him bomb the first comic. I'm just kidding. The first comic. Are you talking about, not John Adkins, right? Tyler Brandt. Tyler Brandt? His set was good. His set was good.

I don't even remember him. What did he talk about? Oh, I remember. He called his grandma a cunt. He's originally from Connecticut. He's been doing it 10 months, right? That's correct. Absolutely.

My goodness. I thought we had a thing. Okay. That's okay. Wow. You can join. Whoa. Look at that.

Heck yeah. There's enough dildos for every... Whoa, Jesus. My goodness. How about for fun, Katie? Any hobbies or anything like that? I just do a lot of artwork and try and make money. What kind of art? I'm a painter and I do photography and graphic design.

Whatever pays. Right. Real artist life. Yeah. You'll do anything for money. You got it. That's great. A real artist. Yeah. Okay. That's fucking fun. How about when you're not doing art? Anything else? Like

anything to take your mind off of just life to escape when you're not creating things? Just comedy. Really? That's it? Nothing else? No local fun things like going to SeaWorld and petting the prisoner animals there?

There's a local wrestling group. I go see wrestling shows and I take photography for them. Oh, cool. You must be talking about Toxic Fist. Fist Combat. Get fisted. That's right.

I was close. Sounds hot. Yeah. I actually met one of the announcers from there before. Yeah. There it is. Oh, that guy, too. Look at that.

It's all coming together now. That's fun. How long have they been doing that for? Has that been a long time? He's been involved in wrestling his whole life, the guy who puts it together, so I don't know how long it's been out here. Cool.

Yeah, fist combat wrestling. Cool. Real exciting stuff. Yeah. Real exciting stuff. It's interesting that you do stand-up and paint and all that. A lot of the times people don't have a big crossover with that. It's hard to do both things.

I've learned. Not many people can do both. Yeah, I'm not great at everything. I just do a lot of stuff. Right, right. You guys can see that. It's alright. Jeez Louise. Sorry. So tell us something about Tyler Brandt's personal life

that he didn't tell us that we'd be interested in now. Oh, he can't see me. Okay. You love me? Shut the fuck up, lady. Tell us something about Tyler that he didn't tell us. He was a Boy Scout, and he's got this really solid group of Boy Scout friends.

Whoa, really? He still hangs out with the Boy Scout guys? Wow. That's fucking weird. That is weird. That is weird. Oh, man, I really care about him. Please don't make us break up tonight, guys.

Oh. You got something you want to tell us. Look at that. You're so emotional. It's because I'm a woman. What's your favorite thing about him. Please don't make us break up tonight, guys. Look at that. You're so emotional. It's because I'm a woman. What's your favorite thing about him? He's a sweetheart. He's good at listening. He's really reflective. What a pussy.

Jesus. Jesus. All right, well. What's your favorite karaoke song? No, that's not an actual question. What? I love karaoke song? No, that's not an actual question What? I love karaoke Okay Let's get into some karaoke

Okay Tony, let's do karaoke Okay, Becca Tony, do you have any Xanax? Let's do some karaoke Very good, Becca, thank you I just keep imagining like his wrestling character is just a Boy Scouts leader. Did your boyfriend do the...

Which one? Was he the... He wasn't the announcer, right? No. Right. He's the guy with the backwards hat on, had a little bit of a bulge in the front. Kind of cute personality.

A little bit creepy also at the same time, but also like, hey, what's going on? It's a good lesson. All of the above. Hey, can we do karaoke? Katie, anything else crazy we need to know about you or your life that makes you interesting before we let you go?

I feel like I did pretty well enough up to here, so let's not ruin it. Okay, there you go. Katie. Thanks, guys. It was Katie Orchard. You guys think we should squeeze one more up here real quick? Alright. Jeremiah, acting like this is gross. Nice and quickly.

Hopefully this goes good. Okay, make some noise for your final comedian of the night, Jesse Zuchkipowicz. Jesse Zuchkipowicz. Jesse. Jesse. Jesse Zuchk Kipaware. All right.

Okay. How about one more time for your final comedian of the night, Clint Bashir. Clint Bashir. Here comes Clint. This is it. Make some noise for Clint, everybody. What's up?

What's up? I got a little statement for you. Sometimes, sometimes, bitches be thinking they cute when they take your hat without asking. And they dance around the bar, and they are cute. They are. But I'm trying to be cute, too.

And I'm just saying, I'm not trying to hide a way too good hairline here. It's not that good. It's not. It's even worse with hat head, man. All I'm saying is like you, I'm not going to take your weave if you have one. I'm not going to take your weave and prance around the bar while whipping my hair back and forth, you know? I would look cute as shit if I did that though, right? Right? I would be getting dicked down for sure. What? What? Right? All right. Also, I have never been able to tell if I have a lot of different voices in my head

or just one that's really good at impressions. How am I supposed to know? All right. Thank you. Fuck yeah. There it is. Clint by Shear. Clint, awesome stuff.

I've always wondered what it would be like if William Montgomery had coronavirus. So, nice to meet you. Oh, here it is. Here it is. Welcome, Clint. How long have you been on stand-up for? A couple years now, for real. You were born and raised here in San Diego?

Oh, hell no. I was born in Kansas, raised in Vermont, spent a bunch of years in Pittsburgh. Wow, look at you. Now where do you live? Here in San Diego. Lakeside? No, I live in uh... Missed it. Learned.

University Heights. University Heights. I actually live with Brandon Potter that you had on Thursday. Open for you on Thursday? Oh, yeah, yeah. Brandon's cool. Yeah, he's a good guy.

Absolutely. How about for work? What do you do for work? Carpenter. Really? Jesus Christ. Really angry about that. Minus the hair.

Minus the hair. Yeah. Wow. Carpentry. Yeah. How's that going for you? It's all right. It's boring now. I used to build tree houses for a living, so regular carpentry. How's that going for you? It's all right. It's boring now.

I used to build tree houses for a living. So regular carpentry is kind of bullshit. It's tree houses. You miss the puss or like. Yeah. Yeah. No. When you get to say I build tree houses for a living, that's cool.

When you get to say I used to build tree houses for a living, way less cool. Yeah. I'm pretty sure we all used to build tree houses. It's not that impressive. You know who else builds tree houses? Who? Birds. They don't build tree houses. Yeah, they're just called houses. Silly bitch.

Clint, tell us some more interesting stuff about you We gotta make this quick I used to be a high diving announcer I used to be a florist, a ski teacher A high diving announcer? Can you give us an example? Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls And welcome to Wet n Wild

My name is Clint and I'll be your host for today's show But before we get started there's just one thing I need to know Wow Are you folks having a good time tonight? What would these people high dive off of? Skyscrapers? You know, they had this self-built little tower in the back of the wave pool in Greensboro, North Carolina.

Wet and wild, bro. You're going to high dive, Becca? 60 feet. Yeah, she's wet and wild. Hey. What are you doing later? All right. I was high.

They would dive. What are you doing? Are you going to do something? I thought he was going to announce it, and then I was going to dive. Oh, okay. Why don't you announce a dive from Becca here? It's a bachelorette party high dive.

Go ahead. Coming up next, the bachelorette of the night. What will she do? 60 feet into four inches of water. Drum roll, please. Oh, you already did it. Let's see what you got. Splash.

Oh, no. It's a horrible tragedy, folks. Wow. She didn't make it to the water. That was incredible. That was actually beautiful. My goodness. Can we do some karaoke now?

I just want to say, nobody knows how bad our bodies hurt tomorrow after these shows. Wow. So, Clint, any other fun facts about you we need to know before we let you go? I worked in the film industry for a while. I got to see Channing Tatum's dick up close and personal. Wow, how'd that happen? What did it taste like? How did that happen?

He just changed for a scene. Instead of going back to base camp and changing in the trailer, he's just like, you know, mind if I change in this room that you're in? I'm like, no big problem. I'll leave. And he's like, no problem. I'll just do it. Damn.

I tried not to look that much because I didn't want to, no big problem. I'll leave. And he's like, no problem. I'll just do it. Damn. I tried not to look that much because I didn't want to turn gay. That's how I work. Hey, if I started sucking dick, that'd be fine. But I didn't want to turn gay that way. Like having my bar set all the way up here. That would be rough for me. Wouldn't go well.

That's very hard. I mean, I was after seeing it. So what was his dick like? Like I said, I was after seeing it. So what was his dick like? Oh, you know, like I said, I was only, like, doing one of these. Anyway, what was his dick like? It was just like mine, just huge. No, it was soft, so it was a good, like, five inches soft. It was nice.

There you go. He had a thick boy. He was a thick boy. Well, Clint, thank you for coming up here and finishing out the night strong for us. It had a thick boy. Well, Clint, thank you for coming up here and finishing out the night strong for us. It was a pleasure. Thank you. Clint by sheer, everybody. Let's see this drawing from Ryan J.

E-Belt, everyone. He drew tonight's episode while you all sat there doing less than nothing. Look at that! All prints are available at ryanjebelt.com. He's also slinging a bunch of the tour posters after the show right there in that hallway. You can get them signed. Get a picture

with all your favorite cast members. Yeah, and it continues. It goes on and on. I can't understand how we last so long. We're going to Ventura, California this week, everybody. And then off to Tacoma, Skankfest, Miami, Boston, and Austin. Again, shout out to Don Carlos Burritos.

You guys have to go. If you haven't tried it before, it's right down the street here, two blocks away. They're closed right now, but go during the day sometime. Tell them Kill Tony sent you, and everyone will be happy. We did it. We did it again. How about a big hand for the leader of the band, Jeremiah Watkins?

Bunch of fun stuff coming up in the world of Jeremiah. No doubt about it. He's a headliner now. He's going to be at the Huntington Beach Rec Room March 14th with Joel Berg and William Montgomery opening up for him. Tempe Improv 319-320. April 9th to 11th, Sunnyvale at Rooster T. Feathers. Sacramento Punchline, April 16th to the 18th. New episode of Jeremiah Wonders Up with Stevie Weeby.

Anything else, Jeremiah? Yeah, I've got Milkman shirts in the front lobby. Small to XXXL. There you go. Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. XL, so... There you go. Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. Guys, how about a big hand for the first ever full-time

female band member, Jessie Johnson, everybody! Rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, else, Jessie? Again, shout out to Top Shelf Brass. They've been helping us out with their music. I fucking love you, man! Everybody loves her. She's an icon. Speaking of beautiful female figures, how about a big hand for the

wedding girl, Chroma Chris, everybody. I'm sponsored by Orange Amplifiers. You can catch him being an unbelievable musician. He's part of the Baby Boys. You can also catch him hiding underneath your bed as a child. While being your dreams. And your nightmares.

Anything else, Chroma? No, thank you guys. The great Chroma Chris, everybody. Guys, and still retaining his throne, how about a big hand for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everyone. Wow, very impressive performance tonight. Joel's mostly sorry on social media. He's an official Ludwig artist.

Anything else, Joel? Thanks again to Andrew for letting me use the kit. It was great to beat you on your own drum set. Yeah, that was incredible. I'll share his Instagram later. Thank you. Peace. That was absolutely incredible. It's Andrew Valish did that.

He's on social media at AA Valish. That's A-A-V-A-L-I-S-H. Go there. You internet people, of course, are going to tell him that you think he won, but again, why would the live audience lie? Anyway. Thanks a lot, guys.

Love you. La Jolla, we love you. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Bye. We'll be right back. guitar solo We'll be right back. guitar solo We'll be right back. guitar solo We'll be you next time. Thank you.