KILL TONY - KILL TONY #443

Episode Date: March 13, 2020

Matt Braunger, Chrissie Mayr, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, David Deery, Brandon Thompson, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 03/16/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv for everything Kill Tony, including past episodes of the show, video portions. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Not only do we record every Monday at the world-famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California, but we are on the road all the time.

So if you click on tour dates, you can see that we're in Vancouver, Swansea, La Jolla, Ventura, Washington, Boston, Austin, a bunch of dates. Click on tour dates at DeathSquad.tv. Also, check out Tony's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his stand-up dates. So go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every single episode of Kill Tony. You can check out his website, RyanJEbelt.com. He has posters, prints. He draws every single episode of Kill Tony. You can check out his website, ryanjebelt.com.

He has posters, prints. He even has the Kill Tony book there. So check out ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. There you have the official Kill Tony t-shirt, including Death Squad hats and shirts and mugs. Go to shopsquad.tv, the official merchandise of Kill Tony. And now, here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey,

this is ribbon coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchclap! Fuck yes! Welcome, everybody. You're here at the number one live podcast in the world. Make some fucking noise. The great Brian Red Band is here. Hi!

Ryan J. Ebelt is here drawing tonight's episode live while you all sit there doing less than nothing, enjoying yourselves. He's hard at work drawing tonight's episode. Every print of every show that we've ever done, including all the road shows, are available at ryanjebelt.com. Get your Kill Tony prints, including Kill Tony the book, volumes 1, 2, and 3. How exciting. Coming off a big weekend in La Jolla.

Five sold-out stand-up shows and two sold-out kill Tonys. All in the bank. Easy breezy. One of the most beautiful comedy clubs in the world. The only other comedy store on the planet. Mitzi Shore's Baby Girl. What a great place that is. La Jolla Comedy Store.

Don Carlos Burritos. Abso-fucking-lutely, sir. I like that. Shut the fuck up now. The best burrito in the world. We ate five of them. I ate five of them over this past weekend. The California Burrito.

Something I didn't know about until I moved out here. It's a steak burrito with everything in it and french fries. Holy shit. Ventura Kill Tony is this Thursday. Two of them. We added another show because they're selling out. One's sold out. So get tickets for the late show if you're anywhere near Ventura.

Comedians, if you're bored, come up to Ventura. Why not? Stand in the lobby there. Sign up. Get a chance to get pulled out of a bucket there. And then we continue on. Two Kill Tonys. Tacoma, Washington, including two stand-up shows that I headlined. You get to see some of your favorite Kill Tony people, including Red Band, Jesse Johnson, and Joel Berg.

Joel Jimenez on that one, while Jeremiah is out headlining. Skankfest South, March 27th to the 28th. Kill Tony, Miami, April the 3rd, with a stand-up show on the 4th. Either that or the stand-ups on the 4th and the Kill Tonys on the 3rd. I'm a little bit confused. Check the website for that one. Boston Kill Tony, April 9th, with stand-up the 10th and 11th. That's a huge weekend in Boston. Just added another show to that Kill Tony, which sold out very quickly. And Moon Tower, it's official.

We are doing Moon Tower. It is on the Wednesday and Thursday of the Moon Tower week, which is on the 22nd and 23rd. I am out on the 24th and 25th, opening for a couple young comedians named Dave Chappelle and Joe Rogan, combining their powers. Myself, Donnell Rawlings, Rogan, and Chappelle. Just a couple young bucks trying to make it in this world. Shout out to Caveman Coffee,

keeping us energized. Just a reminder, there's no show here on April 20th. There will be no Kill Tony on 420. Shocking, shocking news. But we already had our 420 episode this year. We celebrated episode 420 just a month ago or so. Shout out to Vito's Pizza.

Unbelievable pizza right down the street here on La Cienega. They keep us stuffed. It's delicious. I would recommend trying the Kill Tony Spicy Roni. It's a spicy pepperoni pizza with the little tiny pepperonis. Little tiny pepperonis based off

of the actual size of my nipples. Kill Tony Spicy Roni. No one wants those Red Band-sized pepperoni. Oh, yeah, you do. You guys like that Canadian bacon. Come on. All right, Red Band.

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Hello Tushy. We have two, as with always, we have two of the funniest people in the world here tonight. How exciting is that? We always have the best guests. This week's no different. I'm very excited about this. Make some noise for them, everybody.

It's Matt Bronger and Chrissy Mayer. Wow. Here we go. Welcome. The great Chrissy Mayer, all the way from New York. Matt Bronger, one of our favorite people on the planet. Many times he's been on the show. Boston, Vancouver, Los Angeles, and he's back.

Matt Bronger has a brand new album out right now, available everywhere, called Please Hold Me. I implore you to check it out. Matt Bronger, welcome back. Thanks for having me, man. It's awesome. Honored to be back on the pirate ship. How are you, folks?

Everybody good? Chaos shall ensue, as it always did. The great Chrissy Mayer is here, the host of Wet Spot on Compound Media. She's on a tour right now. ChrissyMayer.com for tickets. It kicks off again on March 20th, White Plains Comedy Club in White Plains, New York. Welcome, Chrissy. Thanks for having me.

I'm excited to be here. First time on Kill Tony for Chrissy Mayer, fresh off of International Women's Day. She's here. There you go. There's a goat for some reason. For the first time of being on the show. The first time being on the show. That makes sense.

That's what happens when a comedian has their first ever stand-up set. There you go. Sprung it on me there. A little bit of a goat to kick things off. So welcome to the show, Chrissy. I have to warn you, there is a band on this show. Do you guys know about the band at all?

Pretty mellow audience tonight. You guys excited to be here at all? All right. mellow audience tonight. You guys excited to be here at all? Alright. Everybody, the band commits to being different characters every single week. We never know what they're going to be. They have a separate dressing room than we do in the back there and they've been hard

at work getting ready. It's the entire band. It's the best damn band in the land. Last night they were FedEx drivers and a bachelorette party. So maybe it's new characters. Maybe it's the return of characters that we've seen before. Let's all find out what they are tonight. I present to you the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band.

Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, Chroma Chris, and Jesse Jetski Johnson. Whoa! Wow! My mind is completely blown. I love new characters, and this is unbelievable. They are very clearly all famous television chefs, everybody. Wow. Holy moly.

Lead chef, remind me again of what... I'm Chef Gordon Ramsay. Who the fuck are you? Gordon Ramsay, thank you so much. Wow, look at this. The names are written down for me. Thank you, chef. Yes, chef.

And, of course, next to you, this is clearly the great, the powerful Paula Deen. Welcome, Paula. Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh my gosh. I just want to clear the air. I did say the N-word, but it was while I was being held at gunpoint and that man was just acting like a real N-word.

Oh my goodness, Paula Deen. Getting the party started quickly here. I noticed that you waited a week until after Donnell Rawlings was here as a guest. That's right. And next to you, of course, the great Guy Fieri is here. Chroma Chris. Guy Fieri, clearly pregnant with triplets.

Hi, Guy. Hey, I got my ticket to Flavortown tonight. Oh, whoa, why are you doing that with your tongue? Whoa. Oh, my God. All right, Guy. All right, Guy. Jesus.

Is that what Flavortown has meant all along? Pussy? Is that what it's been? I think so. And then clearly back here. Bam! Bam! And then clearly back here from the hit show Cheers,

we have Rhea Perlman, everybody. How exciting. No, the great Emeril Lagasse is here, right? Yeah. Show some respect, Tony. Is this thing on? Bam! Did you know that the road to Flavortown is paved in cocaine?

Wow. No, I did not. Bam! Wow. My goodness, Emeril. You know, we were just in Swansea at Venus de Milo where your chef career actually started. Yeah, I know. Okie dokie.

So we have the guests, the band, which are professional chefs, Brian and his wacky soundboard, which brings me to this, the Bucket of Destiny everybody. This is it. The backbone of the show. Bunch of people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage

and then get interviewed by me and my wacky, as Matt Bronger calls it, I love it, the pirate ship of insanity here on Kill Tony. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I talk to you for a few minutes, find out more about you and what makes you and your life interesting and different than everybody else that gets pulled up here on a regular basis. You guys ready to start this show, huh? I'm telling you, I'm telling you,

it feels janky in here. That whole second level has no energy. Half of this side over here feels off. Are you guys ready to start the number one live podcast in the world? Jesus Christ, people. Enjoy yourselves. Get some shots. Go order some fucking

tequila or something. Wake up. We need a little seasoning. Bam! Alright, Emeril. My God. Alright, here we go. We need a little seasoning. Bam! All right, Emeril. My God. All right. Here we go. I pulled a name out of the bucket. Your first comedian

getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Michael Silver. Here we go. Here he comes. Here he is. One more time for Michael Silver, everybody.

Anybody ever come home to just everybody screaming, you know? After a long day of work, all you want to do is go to sleep. But everybody is screaming. You know what I mean long day of work, all you want to do is go to sleep. But everybody is screaming. You know what I mean? They're like, ah, ah! And then you realize you don't live there? Anyone ever call a suicide hotline? Well, I don't know if you guys know this, but excellent customer service.

I got to say. Grade A. I called them up. I was like, hey, this is a suicide hotline. She's like, yeah, hi, how are you? I'm like, well, not too good. I gotta say. Grade A. I called them up. I was like, hey, is this a suicide hotline? She's like, yeah, hi, how are you? I'm like, well, not too good. I want to die. I feel like a more reasonable response is something like, hey, is this a suicide hotline?

She's like, yeah, don't do it. You know, something like that. Maybe that's just me. I've been to the suicide ward three times. First time, I wanted to die. Other two times, I could not decide if I liked the place or not. You know what I mean? I wanted to have an accurate opinion.

So when I was five years old, I got into a fight with this ten-year-old girl. I messed that up. Yesterday, I got into a fight with this ten-year-old girl. Okay, thanks to Michael Silver. There it is. Michael Silver. There it is. Michael Silver. I was listening to your set, like, why would this guy want to kill himself?

And then I heard the rest of it, and I figured out why. Welcome, Michael. How are you? I bet you're back on the show. Yeah, I'm happy to be back. You yourself are a chef. Am I correct about that?

No, fish filet. Oh, you just filet the fish. Get the fuck out of my kitchen. Chef Gordon Ramsey. Always mad for some reason. This is like having the real fucking

Chef Gordon Ramsey here. Look at the eye contact. Just completely locked on the fish filet. He wants you out of here. I think he's contact. Just completely locked on the fish filet-er. He wants you out of here. I think he's on coke and he thinks he's in his kitchen, like right now. So, Michael, let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up again?

Almost a year now. A year now. Wow. And this is your third time on the show? Fourth. Fourth. Uh-huh. And is this true, this whole suicide thing?

Yeah, I've been to a suicide ward three times. Why is that? You have a chronic depression? Bipolar? What did they diagnose you as? Don't mind him, he's on code. A while ago, diagnosed major depression. Major depression. Is it genetic? Your mom or your sisters or brothers have this as well? Does that mean you're in the military?

What do you mean by that, Admiral Legale? Major depression. Oh, wow. Bam! I wouldn't bam after that phrase, but... What do I know? So, it's hard for you. You going through it now, or is it something that you've gotten over?

You know, still, every day is a different day. Dave, you on medicine? No, no. No medicine. They just keep sending you to the suicide ward, and then they're like, get out of here, dude. You're good. They're like, fuck off. Water and peanuts.

We're lucky that you lack follow through. Exactly. I can't commit to anything. Where, where, where? I've tasted your tears and they're too salty. So, Michael, what are these suicide wards like? Tell us about them. I don't know.

They're a weird place, like, because initially I went in. I was in for, first time I went in, I was in for two weeks. And that's because, like, I was just in there. I was like, fuck, I don't want to do anything. Didn't want to go to any of the groups or anything like that. So they keep you in there longer. And then also, like, I didn't want to take the medication because I'd never taken antidepressants before. And they put me on an extremely high dosage. So I was like, fuck that. Right. Why? Why were you like, I didn't want to take the medication because I'd never taken antidepressants before. And they put me on an extremely high dosage.

So I was like, fuck that. Right. Why? Why were you like, fuck that? Well, because I've only I've heard a bunch of stories about people who go on antidepressants and they've never been on it. They become dependent on it. And then also. No, Brody, get out of here.

Don't do that. That is just sadder than it is funny. Red band. Red band. There you go. There it is. It takes two weeks for, like, your body Red Band. Red Band. There you go. There it is. It takes two weeks for your body to get used to the antidepressants. So I was like, basically...

Oh, it's like anal. I don't want to feel like shit. Exactly. Exactly. So you didn't take the antidepressants because you didn't want to feel like shit? Well, I already felt like shit. So I was like, I don't want to feel worse. But it ended up like to get out, I had to take them.

It is an interesting dilemma. Sometimes they make you feel worse. Sometimes they make you feel better. Oh, yeah. It sucks. So you've gone raw dog since then. No medicine. How's that going for you?

It's not cooked well enough. You know, each day is different. You know, I have like low points and high points. What are some natural remedies that you do to take care of your depression? Maybe there's someone out there listening that suffers from this and you can help them right now. I smoke a lot of weed. Have you ever tried working out?

I heard working out. I'm constantly working out. I don't believe it either. Constantly, basically. If I don't, I just feel weird. What type of working out do you do? Today I squatted. Yeah, no, like constantly, basically. Like if I don't, like I just feel weird. Right. What type of working out do you do? Today I squatted.

Oh, really? Can you show us what type of squats that you did? Oh, yeah. You know, just. Ooh. Wow, that's very good. That form of shit, yeah. What else, Michael?

What else has been going on in life? You have a girlfriend or anything right now that you're dragging down with your sad energies? Yeah, last time i was on we broke up like that day and we actually got back together like two weeks later oh wow back to filleting her fish exactly you know it's nice what does she do for work uh she works over at flappers oh boy you might want to break up with her again he's the worst comedy club i shouldn't have said that shit uh wow what does she do over at Flappers? She's a server.

She's a server. She's a comedian as well. Have any of you chefs ever worked with this server? Absolutely not. I got a nice cure for depression. It's a recipe. You take a stick of butter, and that's it. Do I need to write it down?

Yeah, I'll give it to you. It's in every cookbook of mine. Great Paula Deen is live in the flesh here. Michael, anything else crazy about your life that's happened since the last time you were on this show? Anything else interesting? I just watched that show Hunters. What's that show?

It's a great show. Netflix? What is that? It's on Amazon Prime. It's fantastic. It's fucking about Jewish It's a great show. Netflix? What is that? It's on Amazon Prime. It's fantastic. It's fucking about dudes who hunt, Jewish people who hunt down Nazis. It's great. Uh-oh.

It's like everything you want to see. Yeah. Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben. Hey, man, know your audience. For those of you that don't know, there is a new thing. Much like there are Joel Berg chants when he makes a good joke.

As of last night in La Jolla, there was the birth of a new tradition, which is when jet ski Jesse Johnson makes a good joke, everybody in the audience is now supposed to rev their jet skis like that. Go like this. But you have to be louder than Red Band's sound effect, which is already drowning out all of the fun of the new tradition. So, Michael, you're watching

Hunters, and you enjoy that. I just finished it. It's fantastic. Fantastic. Were you rooting for the Nazis? No, no, no. I have Jewish heritage, so I was just like, ah, you guys suck. Uh-oh. Paula Deen, what do you think about Jewish people?

Oh, I can't say that anymore. All right. Michael Silver, congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket three, four times in one year. That's a great average. Michael Silver, everybody. Anything can happen. That guy gets pulled out four times in one year. Some people tell me that they sign up for years and years and never get on this show. You just never know.

God tends to give luck to people that suffer from chronic depression, though. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian, Darius Bennett, everyone. Darius Bennett. Here we go. Here he comes.

We know this guy. Your guy. Yeah, he's great. Little darlings. Here it comes. One more time for Darius Bennett, everybody. I want to get married because I believe in love. I just don't believe in how people get married nowadays.

People get married to people they love, and that shit's stupid. I think it is. Because you got to get along with the person that you're with. Like, I need to like my wife way more than I like these hoes right now. I like her. I really like her. Because like is more important. When you like somebody, you're more willing to apologize for something you did wrong.

Like, say I'm out in public with some lady I like, and I mistakenly knock a drink over. I'm going to go, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Let me buy you another one. But if I love her, I'm going to go, well, why the sorry, I'm sorry. Let me buy you another one. But if I love her, I'm gonna go, why the fuck would you put your drink right there? You see me. I can't take you nowhere.

Goddamn. It's always tough love. It's never tough life. I was almost married once. The closest I was being married was I was fucking this lady who was married. Yeah. Darius Bennett.

Awesome set. You've been on the show a few times. Yes, this is my third time. Third time, and now you're a door guy. And I would say that without a doubt, that's the best set you've ever had on this show. I would agree, yes. Clearly showing that the longer you do it, the harder you work, the better you get, especially when you're in a system like the Comedy Store Door Guy system,

where greats like David Letterman, Jim Carrey, Tony Hinchcliffe, a lot of the best comedians in the world have come out of being a door guy there. Let's check in with the great chef, Gordon Ramsay. That set was very well done. Hey. Thank you. Thank you, chef. Absolutely.

Darius, I absolutely fucking love it. So what's your love life like now? I'm single. Single is a dollar bill, bro. Oh, shit. You're saying it like you sat a couple ladies tonight that you're interested in. I mean, you know.

It is what it is. I'm available. It is what it is. I'm available. I feel like Darius is writing music as he's writing jokes. You're a smooth motherfucker, Darius. I'm about to slide off this seat. Good lord.

Can I say one thing? Absolutely. Darius prioritized himself as soon as he got on stage. Like, not to get technical, but you got up and was just like, look, I have something you might want to hear. No, you're going to hear it. It's fantastic. And everyone leaned in, and you, like, you just killed it. And Michael was great, but he didn't prioritize a thing.

Like, he kind of just went away. And he had, I thought, some funny ideas, but he kind of just was like, ah, maybe you like this. It doesn't matter what your mental stage is or whatever, like your emotional state. You got to be like Darius. Everyone. You know what I mean? That's all I can say.

I know it's not funny. You have to command the audience's attention. That's why every time I hit the stage, no matter how big the show or where the set is or who went on before me, I always say that I'm one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. Makes people pay attention. Oh, I don't think he is,

so I'm going to pay attention. Oh, maybe he is, so I'm going to pay attention. See? Yeah. I appreciate that you're a black comic that doesn't have a nickname. Like, you can very easily call yourself Darius the Hilarious, and you don't. I kind of love it. Oh, yeah, that's funny.

Oh, Shay, you just changed it. Next week he's going to be Darius the Hilarious. No, I would never. Just change it to Hilarious. Just cut out the middle nickname. It's the new kings of comedy with Darius the Hilarious. I got a bunch of emails. One of my emails is Hilarious Darius.

But I didn't name myself that shit. One of my old teachers from high school, he would call me that. I'm like, all right, I'll name that as one of my emails. You have a bunch of emails? Yeah. Darius the various over here. You know what I'm saying? That one is the least professional one.

I give that to people. I'm like, all right, take my email out. Send me whatever you got to send me. And then there's the professional one that I sent to executives. You're such a professional. In fact, you're so professional you kept your earpiece in during the entire set. It's incredible. Actually, can you get my car, Darius?

No offense. Can you grab that? No, I don't drive. I don't have a license. Can you fucking imagine? Now, I'm pretty sure there's someone up here that everyone wants to hear from. Let's check in with the great Paula Dean over here. It's a time for healing.

So professional, I would hire you as a doorman at my own home. Yeah, damn. Alright. Alright. Or a houseman or a fieldman. Uh-oh. Bam! Oh, Jesus, Emeril.

You're really playing with fire back there. Wow. So, Darius, what else has been going on in life? You're a door guy here now. We knew you back when you were just over there mixed in in the dark blob of obscure people. Yeah. Yeah. I was amongst the comrades over there. I bartend sometimes.

Where do you bartend at? It's a company that I work for. They do, like, freelance bartending. That's so cool that you make drinks for people. You're following in two ways in Bill Cosby's footsteps. Oh, shit. Nah, nah. Everything I do is consensual, you know?

I don't even throw my shot out there. A lot of birds are left free. I've been saying Bill Cosby's a rapist for years. And no one believed me. Darius, you have so much stuff in your pockets, hopefully. Either that or the stereotypes are true. What do I got in my pockets? I got a wine key.

He's got four or five dicks. Wow, look at that. You got a wine key over there. Yeah, I got an orange in my pocket. What the fuck? You're doing magic now. Take out a rabbit. I ain't made it yet, so I got a tap card.

I catch the bus. Oh, you ride the bus with an orange in your pocket? Yeah, the bus, the train. Apparently that shit is scaring people, but you got to have that vitamin C in you. You got ChapStick? Yeah, I got a couple little ChapStick. Wow.

Damn. Is that just, does it just take one use for you with ChapStick, with lips like that? I don't get your joke. What are you saying? It's because black people have big lips. Oh, okay. You specifically. Oh, there is a second one.

Yeah. There's a second ChapStick. Oh, I got all those chips. They all held back when I made that joke, but he pulls out a second chapstick and you applaud. I helped you. I threw it out of you. I feel like that was planned out between the two of you.

I went for each lip, brother. I wish it was. And then when he runs out of chapsticks, he just unpeels the orange and rubs it on his lip. That's funny. Okay, all right. That's kind of what people do in jail a little bit. They use this as a fucking lip.

Why the wine opener, though? I told you, I'm a bartender. Oh, bartender. You don't listen. Well, you're not bartending right now. It seems like a pretty weird thing to have in your pocket. I thought it was for the subway. You know, subway wine.

Just hang out. Well, you pop open beers with it. You know, wine and all that shit. And then you catch the bus late at night. Might be some crazy. Goddamn right. there's always a knife on the bottom part, right? The knife is not long enough, but this right here is good enough.

Oh yeah, there it is, absolutely. You could use it for breaking into cars. You know what? People use screwdrivers for that, you know? Anybody walking around with a screwdriver, get a Phillips, just in case you use it for protection. Don't use a flathead. I wasn't gonna ask this, but now I'm going to.

They're going to think that you're breaking into cars and shit. Darius, what's the craziest crime you've ever committed? Ooh, fuck. Since we're talking about crime, not because you're black. The craziest? Probably drinking and driving, I guess. Oh, okay. I knew it. Drinking and driving

must have been the worst, Especially since you ride a bus That is a bad crime When you get on the bus And kick the bus driver out And start driving the number two down Sunset No this was back at home This was years ago though Detroit, Michigan

That's right 313 I don't think anybody has a landline in Michigan anymore. No, not really. Right. Cell phones only. That's fun. How often do you go back, visit family?

You know, I was going back twice a month, maybe about a year ago, but now I haven't been back that often. I've been back on the ground. Chef Gordon Ramsay. What's your favorite dish that your mother prepares? Good question. Oh, man, her brownies are probably the ground. Chef Gordon Ramsay. What's your favorite dish that your mother prepares? Good question. Oh, man. Her brownies are probably the best.

Wow. Are they brownies or are they blackies? What are we talking about here? Oh, man. All right. I mean, come on. You so rarely get to make

a black person brownie joke. I took a chance there. I could have said dark chocolate. That would have been easier. You miss every shot you don't take, but you know.

God damn right. And no one knows that better than someone who plays professional basketball like yourself. Now I'm being racist. That's okay. That's a hockey quote, man. I've seen your sets. I've seen you do stand-up a lot, and you're funny. So the shit that you don't say that's funny, I understand you got it in the repertoire.

Thank you, Darius. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you so Darius. Thank you. Thank you so much. Darius, a great set man. Thank you so much. He's working hard here, getting paid to do comedy on Keltoni. Darius Bennett.

Sir Dario Bennett on Twitter. Social media. The system works. Okay. Yeah, let's do that. The best adventures are the ones we share. So explore together with the 2023 Defender 130, featuring increased cargo capacity and room for eight adults.

With unstoppable off-road capability capability excellent on-road dynamics 21st century connectivity and luxury interiors you'll be capable of great things the 2023 defender 130 adventure share widely contact your land rover authorized dealer for details at enterprise we know you're constantly on the move. Getting this. Thanks, Mom. Fixing that. You reach a destination.

And then it's on to the next. And when life is moving at the speed of, well, life, Enterprise is right there with you, around the corner and around the globe. We'll keep you moving forward. Enterprise, for lives and drive. Let's get one of our regulars up here, ladies and gentlemen. Last night in La Jolla, we had two shows.

David, is he ready? Last night in La Jolla, we had two shows, and David Lucas and Michael Lehrer were able to make it down there with both of their conditions. However, this guy wasn't for some reason. He wasn't able to get a ride, according to him. Even though he has a car. Right. So here we are.

We're going to find out all about it after we see his set. Very polarizing figure, but he's been really killing it lately. Make some noise for the great William Montgomery, everybody. Oh! Guys, make some fucking noise for William Montgomery. I've actually had a really hard week

this past week. I was just rejected from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids on Ice. I've started smoking a new type of marijuana. It's called permanent unemployment. If cocaine were an astrological sign, it would be, where's the fucking cocaine? People always talk about how they miss Rick Moranis, that they wish he was in more movies. And it's like, yeah, maybe you forgot he shrunk his fucking kids and didn't go to jail. It didn't go to jail. No, but seriously, Tony, I wasn't able to make it because I have the coronavirus.

I was given this hazmat suit from the nice people at Walgreens. There you go. William Montgomery, everybody. That's the hazmat suit that they gave you? It is. Yeah, yesterday I couldn't make it to La Jolla. I was not only diagnosed with coronavirus, but also mesothelioma. Oh.

Wow. And they gave you a beekeepers? With no gloves? Yeah. Just fully exposed that net supposed to keep everything safe? Yeah, they gave me this. Where did you... Actually, I was patient zero in the Pier 1 imports in Calabasas.

I don't know if you all have read about that. That was me. I was coughing all over everything. Y'all don't go in the Pier 1 imports in Calabasas. I don't know if you've read about that. That was me. I was coughing all over everything. Y'all don't go in the bathroom. I was coughing all over the sink. You have such an interesting method to your madness. Sometimes you'll come out guns a-blazing with a reference that I haven't heard in decades.

During 60 seconds of comedy, during this you referenced Honey, I Shrunk the Kids twice. Two different, completely different jokes with a different joke in between them. Did something happen this week where perhaps you saw that movie

or were reminded of it? Is that what you did while we were doing shows in La Jolla without you? No, last night I actually watched the movie My Girl, and when Macaulay Culkin got killed by bees, it scared the hell out of me. Hence the suit. So I got this suit at the Pier 1 imports in Calabasas. It just killed me.

Macaulay and that girl he was with, when he died, I started crying last night. Horrible nightmare. I'm actually burning up. I've been wearing this all fucking day. My face is incredibly hot right now. Chrissy Mayer, this is a fellow ginger of yours. Yeah. It looks more like

honey, I shrunk the recessive jeans. Do you want to try that again? Oh, William. What the fuck was that. Do you want to try that again? Oh William. What the fuck was that? You're going to do me like that Ginger brother? You're going to do me like that? Be nice William. Be nice.

Here let me help you tag that joke. I obviously got the recessive gene. Interesting thing is both of my parents are black. Very good. Wow. I knew I didn't like this guy. You do like him Paula? No I knew I didn't like this guy You do like him Paula? No I knew I did not

What the fuck are you talking about? I'm sick right now Yeah get away from us We don't need to catch whatever you got going on there Okay thanks Alright William Another fun set Always innovative

Always interesting This is a very B average set another fun set always innovative always interesting yep this is a very B average set that was the great let it soak Guy Fieri

let it soak William over here so realistically why couldn't you make it to La Jolla yesterday it's two hours south of here

if I if I'm literally gonna be frank with you right now, I made the drive to the new Cracker Barrel. It's probably an hour's drive. It was another hour's long wait. It was another hour's long drive back. At one point in time, I was thinking I was having a heart attack.

I had a real hard night the evening before. I was on stimulants. I was drinking butt ice. I almost had to pull over my Fort Torres. I literally thought I was having a heart attack. It turned out my pec muscle was just stimulated, if you want to call it that.

It was twitching. It wasn't my actual heart. Right. I fucking love this story. Having a false alarm heart attack on the way back from Cracker Barrel is the most American song I can think of. That's a Brooks and Dunn hit right there. Let's give it up for Mama's Pancake Breakfast.

All right. Well, William, up for Mama's Pancake Breakfast. All right. Well, William, you did it again. Very fun. Always different. First time we've seen the beekeeper outfit. There goes William Montgomery, everybody. There he goes. Tony.

Yes. I was saying, after you said I have the coronavirus, and he turned and looked at all of us, like that killed me, because he's looking in our eyes like, you're getting it next. Yeah. But I realized, no, he just can't see shit.

Right. That's why he's looking around. Yeah, he likes to awkwardly look the guests directly in the eyes after jokes sometimes. It is one of the stranger things that he does. It scares people. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Are you guys having fun out there?

Make some noise for your next comedian. I believe this name is Robert Lamble, perhaps Hamble or Gamble. Robert Famble. Robert Ramble. It's a weird first letter on that last name

Robert Something Hamble Robert Hamble No Alright, on to the next one How about Yuri? Is Yuri here? Yuri

Y-U-R-I. Is someone yelling in that room? Yuri? Y-U-R-I? Alright. How about Omar? One word, Omar. Omar? Whoa! Look at this.

Here he is from the audience. Make some noise for Omar, everybody. How am I out of breath from walking from right there? Jesus Christ. Okay. Fuck, I already forgot. So, what's up with the new generation trying to make us pay for all their college? You know?

I didn't go to college for a reason. I went to trade school. I don't want to pay for your fucking liberal arts degree. It's not my fault you can't make money with your... Yeah, I don't know. I don't know where that goes. I don't know where that goes. What else?

Health care, too. I mean, we're the fattest country in the world, and you want me to pay for that, too? Come on. No? Okay. Oh, I don't think it's cool that women can put no short dudes on their dating site on their dating profile

but we can't put no fat bitches I can't control that I'm short but you can control what you put in your fucking mouth you know what I mean Omar welcome Omar thank you welcome welcome Omar. Welcome, Omar. Thank you. Welcome, welcome.

How's it going, man? You came out of the audience. Yeah. First time doing stand-up? Third time. Oh, third time. Congratulations. Yeah, it was rough.

Have you ever been on this show? Yeah. I thought I remembered you. You said my wife looks like Melissa Villasenor. Oh, that's true. Is she here? Can we get her up here for a second? There she is.

I want to finally show exactly what this looks like. It is shocking. In the history of doppelgangers, I have never seen a doppelganger doppelgang quite as hard. Her voice is like it, too. Yes, you do. That's exactly what Melissa Villasenor looks like from

Saturday Night Live, everybody. Look out there. Look at those people. She has more stage presence. Yes. We love Melissa. There she goes. Thank you, baby. She's very shy. Can you do impressions of anyone?

Oh, really? Well, that sounds like one boring-ass impression. Aw. See, it's when you do faces like that that you really look like her, too. The smile, not so much, but it's incredible. Yeah faces like that that you really look like her too The smile, not so much, but it's incredible Yeah, like that, that's what she does Do you know that?

That is weird, man I think that might be Melissa Villasenor doing an impression of a regular lady I've seen you guys quite a few times Do you come every week or? No, whenever we can We gotta time this out We gotta figure out a way to have Melissa Villasenor as a guest on an episode when you're, is that your wife?

Yeah. Awesome. How long have you guys been married for? Almost five months. Wow. Almost six. Whoa. Seven months.

Damn. Dude, I think you should stop going on dating sites. You've been married for months. I know. Wow. It's dating sites. You've been married for months. I know. It's always disappointing. You're in big trouble now. Do you ever look at your wife and say, put down the fork, you're going to turn into a fat bitch?

Whoa, Jesus, Gordon Ramsay. Yes. You guys are both Latino? Well, she's a mutt. No, she's Latino. She looks exactly like a girl with the last name Villa Senor. She drives a white Civic, for sure. She's not a mutt as much as she is a chihuahua.

Well, no, she has a little bit of Native American, a little bit of Jewish. Yeah, so does Elizabeth Warren, sure. We've heard this before. She might be more than Elizabeth, though. She might be more than Elizabeth. She might be. I. Emeril. She might be more than Elizabeth, though. What? She might be more than Elizabeth. She might be. Yeah.

I think everybody in the room might be. Yeah. You look like a Chicano leprechaun. Thank you. So, but you are Mexican. Yes. All the way. Yes.

You guys have kids yet? No. Very good. Thank you, Emeril. Jesus Christ. Racist. How do you keep from having kids? You've been having unprotected sex with her for what you say five, but it's clearly seven, at least seven years.

Well, no, she was on birth control for a while. Oh, okay. Well, there you go. That's a lot of information. I wasn't really expecting that. Not really. I like how you just threw your joke right off. No, I love it.

Exactly. So how much birth control does a Mexican girl have to take? Like, does she have to snort lines of it? Or is it like an IV drip? She just sleeps with it on like chemotherapy? Turkey baster. Do you have to try to come over her cervical wall? We are really good at climbing walls.

Well, no, I mean, she's not full Mexican. If she was full Mexican, we would have had like eight kids by now. Right, right. I can't believe she has you convinced that she's not full Mexican. That's absolutely hilarious. What do you think? You still think he might be an immigration agent after all this time? Still a chance.

Playing it safe. It is so weird. Like when you do that stuff, how much you see that? Jeremiah, am I fucking crazy, Gordon Ramsay? Is that the most... It's absolutely dead on. It's terrifying me right now, actually. It is frightening.

No one looks as much like a person in my life as much as you look like, Melissa Bias. We've all worked with her for over a decade here. So we know what the fuck we're talking about. It's crazy. Anyway. Wait. But to be fair.

Melissa, are you doing an impression of yourself? Be honest. That's honest. I swear to God, the first time that I saw her in the audience, she was sitting right over there. I remember it because I spent 20 or 30 minutes glancing over there. I even was signaling while other people were performing and things to Jeremiah. I go, what the fuck is she doing there?

Melissa, we need some kind of spy. I swear to God, I thought she was perhaps here with maybe she was on a date with a guy that wanted to try stand-up, but she wanted to lay low, so I didn't want to put Melissa on the spot. I was ignoring it the entire time, but I'm literally like, that is so fucking crazy

that Melissa would just sit there and not say hi or let us get her a booth or like be in the back or something like that but you're still literally not her. You guys will all see eventually I'm sure the internet's hating this right now but one episode we'll have Melissa on coming up soon and

we have to make sure that you're here for it. Where do you guys live? What part of Chula Vista do you live in? We live in a city named Bell Gardens. Oh, Bell Gardens is one of the Mexican towns that doesn't have a Mexican name. Yeah, pretty much. Garden is still pretty Mexican.

Yeah. It's shocking to me that you're not the guy that's been up here with an orange in your pocket tonight. I guess you got gotta say something racist, right? He sold them all. Thank you. However, he does have a roast available. It's called an naranja.

Good job. Omar, what do you do for work? Construction. What else would I do? I don't know. Perhaps landscaping or something like that. Or second base for a major league baseball team. I tried. I used to play baseball. Really?

What position? Shortstop, pitcher. Yep, that's it. That's it. That is it. Absolutely. Not that good, though. Yeah.

All right. What do you do for fun now? What are some hobbies and things like that? I mean, whenever she's at work, just smoke some pot. Wow. Watch Koton. Yeah. All right. What do you do for fun now? What are some hobbies and things like that? I mean, whenever she's at work, just smoke some pot. Wow. Watch Kill Tony. That's right. Write shit down.

Absolutely. Yeah, try to write jokes. I really liked your last joke. It's very true. Thank you. That, you know, like about the weight and the short. You know, that's kind of fucked up. And now with this kind of, you know, atmosphere that we have nowadays, I see that coming.

It's going to be like against the law to say that. We can't fat shame to say what? To say no short guys. Yeah, we can't fat shame them, but they can short shame us. Well, I liked your first one, too, because that's, like, a major thing a lot of people are feeling like. You know, like, myself, I'm like, yeah, I have no problem helping these kids, but it's like you're working a job. And my only advice on that one is get specific. Liberal arts or fuck, I don't know, what are you doing in college?

Shit. You kind of just trailed off. Have a thing. Pick the dumbest class. I went to college, and so much of it, I was like, none of this is that useful, man. So get specific on that, because I think that'll hit a fucking huge nerve.

Maybe he was forgetting words on purpose and doing like a Joe Biden style of stand up. Oh. And I will say this. This seems to be a running theme tonight that I sort of like it's a running theme because it is so critically important in stand up comedy is that

initial hello. That initial thing. You came up and you said that you're out of breath which while being honest and sharing how you feel is that initial thing. You came up and you said that you're out of breath, which while being honest and sharing how you feel is a good thing, guns a blazing right from the tippity top. It shows weakness. It shows like a lack of excitement about what you have to talk about. Oh, I'm out of breath, man. Just such a short distance. But it's like, you know, it's really, you want to get right into your purpose and what you want to talk about. Everyone would have believed your college tuition thing a lot more. And we would have been engaged more if you would have just come out with that right out of the right out of the get.

Yeah, because that certainly makes you angry. Right. The idea. So like you got up here and you're like, I forgot shit. And there's nothing wrong with that because that's honest. I think honesty and comedy is the most important thing. But then share it since you forgot what your first bit is, just share something super real like, ah, my dick itches. Just to get them on your side.

That's just so people are just like, he's not lying. Matt, does your dick itch right now? Yeah. Chef Gordon Ramsay. So what they're trying to say is quit cooking on low heat, turn it to high, and get to the bloody minute. That's right. Absolutely.

People that say, I'm out of breath. I wasn't expecting this. How did this happen? Didn't think this was going to happen. Can't believe this happened. It's all bullshit. Get to your shit in any way you can. I really was out of breath, though.

No, I believe you. Sad. I believe you. Who gives a flying fuck if you can't breathe or not? Get to your jokes. Yes, sir. Gordon Ramsay, very serious. So true, Gordon.

Put your hands together for Omar, everybody. There he goes. And Omar's lovely wife, too. Give her a hand. Still think it's Melissa Villasenor, by the way. It really does. Well, to be fair, they do all look similar. Jesus, Paula Deen.

You know you're racist when you think all Latino women look the same. I think she's just drunk. She means all Melissa's. All right. In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping. Robo code searching. It takes skill.

Speed. Sweat. Unless we're talking Kudo's new phone, internet, and streaming bundle. With the Happy Stack, you can sit back and stack up the savings on Kudo Internet, a sweet phone plan, Netflix disney plus and amazon prime all starting at just 99 a month stack more spend less the happy stack only at kudo conditions apply this episode is brought to you by starbucks welcome back winter with a starbucks drink in hand whether you've been waiting for a pistachio latte and pistachio cream

cold brew, or in the mood to shake things up with the new iced hazelnut oat shake and espresso. Need to cozy up with a tea latte? There should be nothing stopping you from achieving all your goals. You've got this. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? All right, who gives a fuck? Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian, Darren Hone.

Hone? You have some bad handwriting on this episode. Darren Hone. Hone? We have some bad handwriting on this episode. Darren Hone. Here he comes. Serious man. Here we go. Make some noise for Darren Hone, everybody. I'm going to be real with you guys.

I had a rough year last year, so I had to give up PCP for Lent. It's more of a tactical choice than anything else. I started having these Vietnam flashbacks that didn't belong to me. It's your general Vietnam stuff. Everything's in black and white. Narrated by Winona Ryder. Kept holding my fallen brothers in my arms as they took their dying breaths.

But everybody keeps calling me Doug Stevenson. So Doug Stevenson, if you're in here, please retrieve your flashbacks back. It's been a long road, probably for both of us. Anyone ever get so high that they try to change the song with their turn signal? Darren Hone. Welcome to the show, First time on right? I was on last year

Oh okay What happened last year? You said that like it was a traumatic experience I think I did okay But I told you guys my living experience And you guys kept talking shit Like what? What was the living experience and you guys kept talking shit. Like what?

What was the living experience? We want to talk shit again. I lived in Alhambra with like six roommates or something. Alhambra with six roommates. I moved out of that place since then. You lived in a huge house with a bunch of people and you were paying like $700. Yes. Oh, yeah. You were paying too much money.

That's what it was. Yeah. Yeah. We deal with people all the time here that sleep in their cars and things like that. We never have any problem with them. But we have a problem when someone's paying way too much money an hour outside of the city in a shitty living situation. in a shitty living situation. Would you say that you getting your balls busted on this show helped you realize exactly how horrible your living situation was?

I mean, it probably took like half a year after you guys gave me all that shit for me to move out. Yeah, that's about right. That's about how long it takes to... Are you happy that you did? No. Why? What's different now?

What's your living situation now? I live with like a horribly, profoundly lonely roommate now who always wants to hang out. And I want to hang out for like max 15 minutes and then go to sleep. Right. Oh, fuck. Is he here? No, he's watching from home right now.

What was that, chef? He's watching from home right now. Very sad that you just said that. So, wow, you just have one roommate. You have your own bedroom? Yeah. Sounds way better, dude. Just say, sorry, I can't hang out.

That's all you have to do. There you go. Some good life advice from Red Band there. You have your own bathroom? No, it's a shared bathroom. You share a bathroom. He's always in there. We were not hanging out.

Did you have better bathroom access when you were in the house in Alhambra with six people? Absolutely not. It was much worse. It was worse. So now at least your bathroom life's a little bit better. Yeah, but also there was like a weird... He put like a weird symbol on the mirror that looks like witchcraft. In the bathroom? Oh, boy. He didn't mention

witchcraft. This is getting really frightening. I think you should put something in that bathroom. I think that it is a Hello Tushy. It sprays your ass with fresh water. It's the same water they use to brush your teeth. Right. Wouldn't you want to use the same water that Red Band uses to brush

his teeth on your asshole? I'm getting sick over here. You go to HelloTushy.com slash Kill Tony and get 10% off your order. It's only $79. Can you believe that? What do you do for work? I do art department for

commercials and stuff. That's cool. That's great. It's... Was that you, Emeril? Yeah, I's cool. That's great. It's. Is that you, Emeril? Oh, yeah. I just do art department for commercials. Oh.

You're just mocking this guy? Yeah, what the fuck? That seems like a good job. Yeah, I just. I did that before one time. I got a roommate. He's lonely. Emeril, you don't like the way this guy talks? This guy talks real weird.

I don't get it. He's a little more bam in his voice. I didn't even really notice that. Is that true? Do you talk weird? I don't like the way this guy talks? This guy talks real weird. I don't get it. He's a little more bam in his voice. I didn't even really notice that. Is that true? Do you talk weird? I don't know. Do I talk weird? I guess he does. I don't know. Do I talk weird? I don't know. I don't think he really talks weird.

I'm not sure whether or not I talk weird or not. Alright, very good, guys. Very good. Very good. Very good. Very good. Very good. No, you're not done. Get back on the mic, you bloody donkey. All right, Darren.

So what else? When you're not hanging out with your roommate and things like that, what do you like to do to get away? Tell us something about your real self. I camp and and You cam? Camp. He says he camps. In a way, I try to make sketches with my friends

every now and then. Wow, you do talk weird. Of dead bodies? Yeah, you sound like Kip Dynamite a little bit. I'm sorry, guys. I'm sorry, guys. Don't be sorry, dude. Why are you sorry? I've got this orange jacket.

I thought it would do stuff for me, but... Yeah, how long have you been the assistant? Is that God? Where does that come from? Yeah, I'm your God. Jesus. This is the voice inside your head, dude. Actually, none of us have actually been saying anything The entire time

So quit looking around At other people They're not doing you You're actually freaking out right now About your lonely roommate Who's at your apartment Probably watching this stream And he's definitely going to kill you

When he gets home now Go Broncos Dude it's dead air It's been quiet Totally silent for the last five minutes. Bro. You've got to say something, man. Bro, you've been having a stroke for the last three minutes, dude. I'm freaking out right now, dude.

People are asking if you're okay. Seriously, what? Something's happening inside your body? You're probably seeing people. I'm sorry to call you out. I'm the nice one. I'm the nice one here. Okay.

Okay. You guys literally just wait until I call off the dogs. I'm absolutely losing it. Say something. Darren, you never had six roommates. It was the voices in your head the entire time. This is like an M. Night Shyamalan movie right now. M. Night Shyamalan roommate movie.

He's actually the assistant coach for the Tennessee Volunteers. And now you believe that you're a comedian because one of the voices convinced you. All right, Darren. This is why I stopped doing PCP. No, you have to start again. Dude, PCP is actually sounding pretty good right now. Do it, dude. I figure if I smoke a little PCP.

Why are you looking around? Say something. Dude, I think PCP is actually going to help my voice. do it dude I figure if I smoke a little why are you looking around say something I think PCP is actually going to help alright there he goes Darren Hone everybody Darren Hone fuck yeah we have another regular on this show ladies ladies and gentlemen. He is notoriously a great joke writer.

He is famous for his roasting capabilities. Of course, that is on episodes in which Donnell Rawlings is not here. No, I just worked with this guy the entire weekend in La Jolla. He opened up for me, and it was incredible to watch him put it all together and get to watch him do real comedy sets in front of a real audience on the road. And this guy fucking destroyed. Make some noise with a brand-new minute, the great David Lucas, everybody. Here he is.

Come on. It's David Lucas, everyone. Yeah, what's up, bro? Does anybody use Waze? Yeah. I feel like Waze is better than Google Maps. Waze have you doing some stupid ass shit to save time and traffic. Like the other day, Waze told me to go through a Chick-fil-A drive-thru

so I could save seven minutes on my route. They were like, go through the drive-thru, get a number one, no pickles. Well done on the fries. And the freeway will be clear by the time you get your lemonade. My pleasure. But Waze does seem like it was an app designed by black people because that shit let you know where the police at. Police, 1,200 feet ahead. Thank you, Tyrone.

There you go, David Lucas. Absolutely. Two more white people. I don't know who the fuck they are. Oh, my goodness. You're just starting guns a-blazin'. Not even going to let me tell you you had a good set or anything like that? I know who she is, bro.

She's the wife from Married With Children. Oh. Ow. That's a legend. Hell, yeah. What's up, dawg? Good to see you, man. What's up, man?

Fun times this weekend. Hell, yeah. Absolutely. Lots of fun. Yep to see you, man. What's up, man? Fun times this weekend. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Lots of fun. Yep. This guy cooking up fish on the regular. Hell yeah. In the actual kitchen.

Yep. Stinking up the whole fucking condo with that shit. I seen Tony in biker shorts. Those were not biker shorts. We talked about this last night. David on last night's episode mentioned that he saw me wearing biker shorts around the condo. What that actually was is David saw me for one moment walking into the living room in my underwear. He got confused because he's never seen anyone be able to wear actual briefs before.

He got confused and thought I was wearing biker shorts because he has to wear Fat Man boxers. You was looking like Lance Armstrong from The Waste Down. Oh, okay. Well, I'm surprised you know that bicycle reference. Hell yeah, bro. I think I wore Tour de France. Didn't he have AIDS or cancer? You did the Tour de French Fries, didn't you?

Looks like you're wearing a bicycle hoodie. Who said that? I believe that was Chroma Chris. Is that Guy Fieri? Yeah, it's Guy Fieri. Oh, thank you. What's up, bro? Your food's up. So welcome. What's up with the pins on the hoodie? You know that's gonna affect

the paramedics when they try to bring you back to life with those shocker pads, right? You want me to wear one? I got one of yours at the crib on a jean jacket. affect the paramedics when they try to bring you back to life with those shocker paddles, right? You want me to wear one? I got one of yours at the crib on a jean jacket. Heck yeah. Every time I wear it, I get hit on by gay niggas. Oh. That's what happens.

That's why I wear mine every chance I get. So that gay niggas can hit on me. Oh, this is awesome. Paula Deen, try it. Try pointing at him. See if he says it.

All right. For my wedding, I'd like to hire a bunch of niggas. Oh, this is amazing. I love this. Brum, brum, brum, brum. Holy shit. Tom Green finally had something to say. Tom Green.

Tom Green? What's your real name? Matt Bronger. Oh, okay. No, but yeah. Yeah, what? I look like him. He talking about yeah.

I look like him. Do you say nigga during karaoke? I do. I mean, no, I don't. I don't. I'm so white I say buddy in rap songs. What'd you say, Brian Zigger?

Who's that? What'd you say your name was? I don't know who that white person is. These fucking weird white names, man. What's your name again, buddy? David's having PTSD from last week. It was very controversial. It was interesting for me to see.

I read some things on the Instagram of people being mad at Donnell for not letting you get a word in. I think these people are sort of stubborn and didn't see. It's all good, man. I take it as a sign of respect. Of course. So do I. And I think so does everybody that really gets comedy. It it as a sign of respect. Of course. So do I, and I think so does everybody that really gets comedy.

It was absolutely a sign of respect that he put all that together for you in preparation for you. You could always make jokes about Donnell, and of course you will in the future every time you see him. But it was funny that people literally got mad.

Like, he didn't even let David Lucas get a word in. It's like, yeah, you fucking idiot. That's art. That nigga did do the fake glove touch. What's that? The fake glove touch of fighting the uppercutter nigga. Looking like we about to be buddies. Fuck it, man.

I love it. You're absolutely killing it. You're like Chris Rock if he was literally bigger and blacker. Chris Boulder. You're like Deontay Wilder if he just kept putting on more and more layers of suits to weigh himself down. You look good. I gotta know how many oranges you have, though. How many oranges are you packing?

It's a reference from earlier. I can tell he's getting furious right now. David gets this special look in his eyes that you guys don't get to see when someone makes fun of him. It just blinks and it turns red for a second. He's short circuiting. I was like, God damn. She looks like she caught a pound on black dogs. She caused a pound on black dogs. She cost a pound

on black dogs. I love animals. I can tell you probably got a house full of cats. Just one down here, baby. The wet spot. Freaky ass redhead. I don't think David likes cats.

However, he does eat meow mix every once in a while. He's never had a piece of ginger in his life. Hey, Joe, you look like the Hamburger Helper Club, nigga. Shut your... Shut your... He does look like the Hamburger Helper. He also looks like the Pringles guy.

I don't fucking get any of these references, but it's Pat. You look like you cook for Lady and the Tramp. What? You know the movie Lady and the Tramp? You look like the nigga that brought him a meatball out to him. You look like fucking Baby and the Stamp. Oh shit, what the fuck?

Okay, all right. Bam! He doesn't get those lights when he hits the drums He gets those lights when the crowd goes crazy No Danny you keep doing it No that doesn't help Don't listen to Tony Only listen to me How about a big hand for the great Danny Lucas up there

Silent but deadly up there Controlling the brand new extremely fancy lighting system that the Comedy Store has now. That's my white uncle. You can see right down all your shirts too, ladies. It's great.

There you go. Red Band keeping it super creepy and semi-hilarious. However, the lights do add 10 pounds to David Lucas somehow. It's been one week. You need to go fall asleep in a tanning bed, nigga. What the fuck is that?

Are you mad because I can get in a tanning bed? I mean. Is that what it is? You try to close it and it's just like a George Foreman grill halfway open. grill halfway open. Oh, shit. You better be careful, dude. Tony, you got a Groupon for booty bleaching. You're so stupid.

Your method is so silly. I love it. It works. It's like UFC fights. Stylistically, you're interesting. You have these short little silly worded bangers. Groupon for booty bleaching. What the fuck does that mean?

That's just funny, but it doesn't make sense. Why would I use Groupon? Of all the things to use Groupon for, I would not use a Groupon for booty bleaching. I would go to a professional like I do on the regular. You know what I mean? You just sit on a dildo with bleach on it. Okay. All right.

A dildo called the professional. Roast his ass. I don't roast the guests, David. He got a fucking nighttime shirt on. What does that mean? Help me out. You know when old men go to sleep, they put on the suit. Oh mean? Help me out. You know when old men go to sleep, they put on the suit.

Nighttime shirt. Get your handkerchief shirt wearing ass up out of here. You can't be roasted, Tony. That's my nigga. What are you rocking underneath the hoodie tonight? You got that thing zipped. Oh, a NASA shirt. Oh my goodness. I've never seen a black hole wear a NASA shirt before.

That is interesting. My God. Look at that. Tony, you know how to do the downward dog on a private jet. I actually... It's funny you mention that. I have done that. I've been on a private jet when I did the Oddball comedy tour.

Oddball is also how people describe your shape. Oh, shit. Tony, get me tonight. Oh, yeah. Yes, absolutely. Well, David, you did it again. Perfect fucking brand new minute. Hot off the presses.

And then you come in and we have a bunch of fun making fun of each other and everybody. There he goes, the great David Lucas, everybody. Thank you. He's David Lucas, funny on social media. Very fun times. Great performances this weekend in La Jolla. Let's get back to this bucket, shall we? Fuck yeah.

Oh, that's the great Aphrodite I see out there. We got speech impediment man Steve Lee kill Tony royalty out there. Some fancy, fancy people. We got Thomas, right? Thomas? What's your name? Hat and glasses? Yep.

Brandon? Yeah. Brandon? Brent. Put your hands together for Brent, everybody. Brent. Brent? Very good. All right, you can laugh at me all you want, but you should project and enunciate, you piece of shit.

I was trying to give you a compliment. Give him a hand. He drove Michael Lair down to La Jolla last night. Michael Lair, spoiler alert for those of you watching live who haven't gotten to see the La Jolla episodes yet. Michael Lair absolutely fucking laid it down in La Jolla. Multiple standing ovations. Not from himself, obviously, but from the audience.

Pulled another name out. Make some noise for your next comedian. Another one-word name. Make some noise for Manolo. Manolo is next on Kill Tony, live from the Comedy Store. Manolo is making his way to the stage. Here he comes. Don't forget, Ventura Thursday, Tacoma, Miami, Boston, and Austin coming up.

Kill Tony live. Here he is. Manolo, everybody. Yo. So I just recently found out that an uncle of mine is half Chinese. Yeah. And to be honest with you, I'm a little bit worried. Because I don't know if you guys think I could catch the coronavirus off of him,

besides the chlamydia. Do you just hate it when girls want to hug after sex? I mean, the room's so stuffy, and they're all sweaty, and they're looking at you and hugging you so tight, not letting you go. It's like, damn girl, relax. I will not leave without pain. Like yesterday, I had a hot date, right? And I wanted to make an impression. So I took four Viagras, yo. Four Viagras, right? And we went at it all night, right? All night. We did it seven times. Boy, my butthole sure does hurt.

I got charged $15 for a... Manolo. Manolo, welcome back. Were you Manolo, were you on last week? Was that when that was? Yes. Two weeks in a row for you, you lucky fuck.

And we found out that you masturbate for a living. Drop that, drop that. You what? I drop that. You drop that. What do you mean you drop that? He switched professions. That was last Monday.

No longer a content creator. A Shatterbater content creator no longer. Why is that? Because I committed the mistake of showing the video to friends. And I got the bad eye, the stink eye, and I didn't like it that much. So now I'm a painter. There you go. Very good.

Who wouldn't know? That's not a respectable job, you idiot. So now you're a professional painter? Not a house painter, it would appear. Like an artist. Body paint. Yes, sir. Right.

You're an artist. And you make any money from that? No, not really. Did you just start this week? No. No, I've been painting all my life, but I decided to put it up. So what you're really saying is you're still a cam guy, but too many people saw that episode of Kill Tony, and now you're hiding.

Too many of my friends, yeah. My two friends saw it. Oh, you let them see that, and they didn't know. So now you're just saying that you're a painter, but you're jerking off for money for sure. Yes. Okay, very good. All right, there we go.

That's the more honest, enjoyable answer. This guy gets paid to jerk off. People pay to watch some guys masturbate. This is one of the guys that masturbates. Clearly, I don't think... A lot of people are excited about that. All these guys. Clearly a bunch of masturbators

clapping their hands like, fuck, I've been doing that for free forever. Might as well get paid, right? Manolo, are you painting with jizz? Just this part. Let's check in with the great chef, Gordon Ramsay. All those guys in the audience just clapping, just realized you can go pro with that?

We have the XFL version of masturbators out here. Sad that they're not making the big bucks. Remind us, how much money do you get paid for painting a canvas? For masturbating on a video. The most I got was $700 in a week. There you go. Sure, yeah, for masturbating on a video. The most I got was 700 in a week.

Oh. Pretty good. Yeah, that's pretty good. I used to do it at night. Yeah, absolutely. At night? Anybody that cams in the morning is a psychopath.

Yeah, you go see a show at night. Everyone knows that. That's when I go see a guy jack off. Hey, actually, do mornings. So what about your life? Don't look at me like that. What about your life is interesting? Because I feel like we talked with you.

Clearly, we got obsessed with the fact that you masturbate for a living last week. I guess I'll start doing it again. Six or seven minutes during the interview last week. So I'm going to ask you this week, what's something else interesting about your life, about you, other than the fact that you masturbate on camera for a living? I paint. Sure. I'd like to ask you what's interesting about you.

I'm also a musician. Really? What kind of music do you play? Electro. Electro? I'm a composer. Yeah, a composer. You play any instruments? Yeah. Like what? Like the guitar. Oh, you do? Do you sing at all? I'll fucking kill this guy.

Would you be willing to... But I don't sing well. Oh, you do? Do you sing at all? I'll fucking kill this guy. Would you be willing to... But I don't sing well. Oh, what is that, a bass? It's a bass, but it looks more like a composer. You know what I mean? Hey, Chroma Chris. Composer. That's because you jerk off.

So you play guitar, that's it? Play guitar, and I compose music. You compose music. Who does the music that's it? Play guitar and I compose music. You compose music. Who does the music that you compose? Mexican artists. Mexican artists. Like what? Like what kind of, like mariachi or something?

No, but I can do mariachi. But no, like pop Mexican artists. Can you grab that guitar off of there? Away from the speaker? Yeah. We're going to bring out the guitar? Is that what we're going to do? Carry it around anywhere. Absolutely. Away from there. Away from the amp? Yeah. We're going to bring out the guitar? Is that what we're going to do? Carry it around anywhere.

Absolutely. Away from there. Away from the amp. All right. Everything's fucked. It's okay. It's all right. But it got set off from that.

Oh, okay. All right. So it must be something else. Take a step forward. There you go. I'm going to go unplug. Start it when the bass guitar went there. Okay.

Beautiful. There we go. Three hopes this time. Everybody clap your hands. There we go. Three hopes this time. Everybody clap your hands. There you go. All right. So here's the part where we find out how bad all of your art actually sucks, Manolo. We're going to have you play a song on guitar for us.

While masturbating. Yes, absolutely. Come on. I want the whole show. We want you to play that seventh string if you know what I'm talking about. There you go. Put the fucking guitar on, Manolo. There you go. There he is. He doesn't even need a pick.

Absolutely. He's got those professional masturbator hands. Doesn't need them. What do you think? This guy's a fucking jerk off? Come on. Get over here. Here he is. Play something good. Here? Don't suck.

When you grab hold of me Tell me that I'll never be set free But I'm a parasite Creep and crawl, I step into the night Doctored when it's ten feet under Grab the reef underneath my bed Wow. Wow. Lord knows I'm awake Won't somebody get me off of this Wow, that was incredible. My goodness.

And I masturbate. Wow, Manolo, you just made every woman in her 40s squirt right now. It was incredible. Milk's my thing. Sublime, huh? Yes, sir. That's very good. Why are you doing comedy at all? This food. I'm a big fan.

Of me? Yeah. Oh, shit. I'm the reason why you started? Fuck. I gotta quit doing this shit. No, I'm kidding. Manolo, what else? Do you have any kids or a girlfriend or anything like that? Two abortions. Whoa, okay. Goddamn. What, you're set in that song you just played? Manolo, what else? Do you have any kids or a girlfriend or anything like that? Two abortions. Whoa. Okay.

Goddamn. What, you're set in that song you just played? No girlfriend? No. You go on dates? Yeah. What's that like? How do you find dates?

Mexican chicks. How do you find the Mexican chicks? Go out. Where do you go out? Fucking clothing, taco shop. Jesus Christ. Taco shop. Wow.

Mexican chicks, I'm telling you. My God. Mexican chicks. What about them? What do you like about Mexican chicks over typical other women? Come on, tell the truth. They speak Spanish, and I roll better with Spanish. They're spicy.

It's interesting because you're Mexican as fuck, but you have like the boring aspects of a white dude. You have like white brain a little bit. You were raised around white friends or something like that? What part of Chula Vista are you from?

I'm from Tijuana, actually. Really? Wow. Look at that. I was going to say something stupid. Really? Yeah. Wow. Look at that. From, well, I was going to say something stupid. No, say something stupid. You haven't stopped doing that since you got up here. Keep going. Don't break the momentum now.

I'm from a really hard ghetto. Yeah, you're from Tijuana. We get it. Yeah, but a really, really hard ghetto. Yeah, absolutely. I went with my girlfriend there to visit my grandmother a couple of weeks ago, and there was a shootout. Uh-huh.

So we bent over, right? Yeah. And she got fucked. Wow, you're right. That was stupid as fuck. All right, there he goes, Manolo, everybody. The second week in a row on the show. He's the Manolo on Instagram.

The Manolo on Instagram. Interesting stuff. That guy, two weeks in a row. I'm telling you. This bucket. So many pieces of paper in here yet some people get lucky. Make some noise for Ben Rudy, everyone.

Ben Rudy. Wow. Big pop from the comedian side. Crowd goes wild over there. Hey. Here he comes. One more time for Ben Rudy, everybody. Hey, thank you. You guys want to know the hardest part about being tall?

My drug tolerance? Through the roof, man. Ever since I was a little kid, I could always eat more Flintstone vitamins than my buddies, drink more Robitussin, you know. I was a go-getter from a young age. But now I smoke so much weed, like my weed tolerance is crazy high, especially with edibles. I have to eat at least like 100 milligrams to feel something. And now the state of California made a law where the dispensary is only coming like 10 milligram increments

because white girls can't handle their shit, you know Ruin the party for everybody But I have to like if I want to eat 100 milligrams. I have to eat 10 fucking cookies I'm gonna get diabetes before I get high man fucking bullshit Prejudice against all people I don't like dispensers anymore. I can't deal with people calling shit flower. There you go.

Ben Rudy. Welcome. Welcome to the show. You're one of the funniest power forwards we've ever had. I'd be like a point guard now. Really? I'm 6'5". You'd be a point guard now. Really? I'm 6'5". Is that,

you'd be a point guard now? That's small. In the NBA? Yeah. Alright. I wish. You're being pretty specific there. I can pass the ball.

Absolutely. And I'm encouraging. I like that. Very good, Ben. You talk a lot during the interview part. I haven't even asked you anything yet.

So welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? It'll be two years in May. Two years. All of it here in Los Angeles? I live up in Ventura County. I caught you guys when you came to the Hong Kong Inn last time. Oh, sweet. Yeah, we're going to be there on Thursday. Still some tickets available for the second added sold-out show. But not the Hong Kong Inn. That's closed, right? It's still open, but it's practically closed. We're at a place called The Winery. Have you ever been there? It's this giant new vineyard or something like that.

Do you know about this? I'm not that kind of fancy person. Go to vineyards. I'm from Oklahoma. We don't do that shit. Oh, okay. You're originally from Oklahoma. And then what made you move to Ventura?

I had friends out there. Okay. What do you do for work? I work at a storage facility. Whoa, a storage facility. Look at this. A little William Montgomery action going on here. It's a storage facility. Look at this. A little William Montgomery action going on here.

It's a big business, you know. You guys could be like Jay and Silent Blob of the fucking storage facility units. Is it as boring as we all think it is? Yeah, they just sit there. You ever see anything crazy in anyone's storage unit?

A lot of junk. It's not as exciting as that show. I was just gonna say that place actually shoots a lot around, you know, just north of here. Do they ever come up to where you are? No, we do all our shit online. It's mainly, like, just a bunch of poor people

buying other people's garbage. That's what storage units are. It's other people's fucking garbage that they don't want in their house. Right. No, we know. We know. We know what storage units are It's other people's fucking garbage that they don't want in their house Right, no, we know We know How storage units work Because if they wanted it in the house It would be in the house

And if they had a bunch of money They would just have a bigger house to put the shit in So we know that it's poor people That don't want the shit in their house Before you auction it off, do you guys take a look and go Well, let's take the Heisman Trophy out in the BMX bike? Yeah, because that's what people put in storage units. Their Heisman fucking trophy.

100% OJ has a unit up there. Right, right. Well, then, what else? What do you do for fun? You seem like a good-looking guy. How old are you? 27.

27? You're 6'5"? White dude? Living the dream. What's are you? 27. 27. You're 6'5". White dude. Living the dream. What's the catch? What's going on here? How many STDs do you have, Ben? Tell the truth right now.

Just genital warts. Wow. Very good. Look at that. No hesitation whatsoever. HPV, come on. Okay. What do you like to do for fun when you're not doing stand-up or working at a storage unit?

I do like playing basketball, yeah. What else? Bowling. Really? You're a tall bowler? That's rare. Oh, wow. Did you hear that, white girl? Someone wants to go bowling with you. I know where you could stick your three fingers into my hole.

Whoa, look at that. Absolutely. Someone wants you to get in her gutter. You know what I'm saying? I'll let you know where you can store your junk. Hell yeah. That's a wide lane. Bowling jokes. She'll rent you some shoes.

You're not going to strike out on this one. Hey. Balls. All right. My grandma's a big fan Despite the racism she stuck with you She sounds like a beautiful woman That's fun Tony I absolutely hate this guy Why do you hate him Joel?

I can't tell what it is He looks like the fucking McDonald's moon guy. Mac tonight. Tall, mediocre, white guy. He's hot, so I guess he gets away with a lot of bullshit. You said Mac, right, from SNL? Mac tonight. You hate a lot of people, Joel.

I'm noticing that a lot of people come up here, you just hate. Yeah. Is it because I'm white? That's part of it. It's because you're tall and white. I'm sorry. What's your dick like. It's because you're tall and white. I'm sorry. What's your dick like?

I'll show you after. Show me now, dude. Yeah, I want to see if you... Pull it out, dude. I'll show you mine. You go first and I'll pull mine out. Why don't you guys do a thing where you go behind the curtain and show each other your dicks? There he goes, everybody. Going behind the curtain now, each other your dicks? There he goes, everybody.

Going behind the curtain. Now Ben Rudy. Joel's going to show you his dick. That was a quality ass. Did you guys catch that? I don't think the health inspector would dig that. What the fuck? Are you a narc?

Yes. Jesus Christ. Would it help if I went back there too and helped you? Hey, I like that. Chrissy could be a referee on this. That's like the third comment, right? Lord, let me tell you something. I know for a fact Joel will pull out his dick in a heartbeat.

He likes dick. His dick is basically the shape of this bucket. It's fucking thick and powerful. But Ben seems to be, I don't think you expected Joel to call your bluff on this one. Big things come in small packages, Tony. All right, well. Ah, fuck. Well, at least I always have that.

All right, back to you in the studio. Well, it's always awkward when a segment ends when I'm trying to get a guy to show my buddy his dick, and he refuses to do it. But I can't think of any other way out of this interview. Ben, any other crazy fun facts about you that we need to know about? About your life, maybe life in Oklahoma, your friends or something like that, or your parents? What do your parents do for work?

My dad does nothing, but my mom's a teacher. How does your dad survive off of doing nothing, off your mom's teaching salary? Which isn't much. Wow. Right. So why? Why does your dad do nothing? He's kind of mediocre at everything, but not really good at anything.

Jesus fucking Christ, dude. Runs in the family. What is he mediocre at? I don't understand what you're saying. I don't know. Did he have an accident in his life or something? Brain trauma or something like that? He was the accident?

You were the accident? Okay. Yeah, Guy Fieri says I was the accident. All right, Ben Rudy. Well, trying to figure out stuff about you. Are you showing Joel your dick or not? That's what happens to everybody's mind. Let's compare dicks, dude.

Let's do it, dude. Wait, no, don't do it now. Don't do it now. You'd have to go back there and do it. We can't have it. We're on YouTube. That's why I faced him. We can't have dicks on YouTube live for some reason. Unless, of course, you're... I need the 10 pounds from the camera. There you go.

Alright, there he goes. Ben Rudy, everybody. Alright. All right. There goes Ben Rudy. Tall guy with a tiny dick. There he goes, everybody. You call my name? No. Ladies and gentlemen, let's rebuild the momentum in this room right now.

Your next comedian is the third regular on this show. He's coming off standing ovations in La Jolla. He's unbelievable. Of course, he has over 20 years of comedic training at Second City, and a few years ago was diagnosed with ALS and switched over a few months ago to stand-up comedy, and it turns

out, using his improvisational Second City Black Belt timing is a monster fucking comedian and every single week he writes and performs a brand new minute on this show he's undeniably everyone's favorite. Everybody loves him. Make some noise for the one, the only, the powerful

Michael Lehrer everyone. Applause Applause Applause Applause Oh yeah Hell yeah I love being in a wheelchair Cause it put me At a sideline

With a woman's ass I spend all day Talking to lady butts They don't mind. They see my suffering. They know it's community service. If you have ALS, they have a long closet if you can't afford things like a wheelchair or equipment, which means I sit on a dead man's squatty potty. My hero is Magic Johnson. He beat L.list, so can I.

Worst part about not being able to walk is now all my sneakers are just heavy socks. Wow. Can you keep that spotlight on him, Danny?

Wow. What the fuck is happening with the lights? Nothing, nothing. Everything's good. We got you covered. Whoa, a little breath spray. Is that L the lights? Nothing, nothing. Everything's good. We got you covered. Whoa, a little breath spray. Is that Lysol?

Oh, my goodness. Banaca. Wow. Oh, my God. That's so good. I just special order it. Why? Isn't every order of yours a special order?

Yeah. It is. Special delivery. Meals on wheels. Hey! Who has those human resources for Kill Tony? Well, I think that actually pretty much falls on me. I have a complaint.

Go right ahead. I'd like to file a complaint against David Lucas. Oh, shit. Go right ahead. What's your complaint? All right. First off, he probably roasts me in the shadows. He calls me wheels and speedy. and speedy.

And then on this podcast, he makes me sound more retarded than I am. And he implies that because I speak slower, I don't have to do as many jokes, and I will fuck with any of you. Alright? So, let's go, Doughboy.

I'll be your huckleberry. Well, fuck it. We ain't doing this in the shadows. We're doing it in front of 100,000 people alive. And we're doing it in front of 100,000 people alive, and we're doing it in front of all y'all. You want to talk shit? Let's go, motherfucker. Well, I will respond to that right now.

Right now, as the head of human resources at Kill Tony, I will say that first of all, when it comes to it being in the shadows, everything David Lucas does is in the shadows. Massive, giant, dark shadows. I'll cross that one off my list of burns for him. Okay, very good. And when it comes to you being his huckleberry, I must warn you, he eats every berry that he sees. He's got a real sweet tooth. Yeah, like Steve Jobs, he's gonna get cancer with his pancreatitis.

There you go. That's a low blow, literally and metaphorically. But as the head of human resources, I will respond by saying that this is the case, Michael, of him being jealous of you. And the reason why he's jealous, I think we all know, is because you don't have to walk. Yeah. Isn't that crazy?

It angers him, walking. It hurts his ankles. Yeah, I know. It's so ironic. I can't walk, and then someone else can is so much fatter than me. It's really weird. How do you wrap your head around that one? My question is, how does David Lucas wrap his belt around that? You know what I mean? Oh, Tony, we're all family. Yeah. But I brought this attention to human resources because I won't be played.

I won't be disrespected. Goddamn right. People try me all the time. I ain't the one. I'm out in these streets. Yep. Hopefully on the sidewalk. Hopefully on the sidewalk. And my name is my name.

Yes. Absolutely, Michael. I agree 100%. I will not allow you to be disrespected. You are my little baby gorilla, one would say. I absolutely love you. You are my favorite human being. It absolutely

blew my mind that you made it down to La Jolla while, you know, obviously being restricted and having old Brandon here help us all out. I know your name's Brett. I'm fucking up your name on purpose now because you got so offended. Look, you know what makes me even more of a hero? It took me 14 hours to get to La Jolla in my chair. It's true.

He took La Cienega the entire way to San Diego. We did no joke. Only for a part of the audience. Only for the Southern California people. It worked both episodes too. Yeah, man.

I love it, Michael. You had fun? You had your first California burrito? Fuck yeah, man. I-huh. I love it, Michael. You had fun? You had your first California burrito last night? Fuck yeah, man. I don't care about food. Right. I like weed and pussy and beer. That's right.

There you go. Absolutely. Yeah. So fuck a burrito. Well, you literally could fuck a burrito if you wanted to. Yeah, I am, man. Times get tough. Michael, what else is going on in life?

Anything else crazy we need to know about before moving on? Just blowing up and enjoying the ride. You're goddamn fucking right you are. No doubt. Absolutely. Yeah, check people, michaellaricomedy.com. You'll see a link to my merch. It's been so incredible to see people wearing my shit, sending

pictures. It helps me out a lot. I love y'all so much. Absolutely. Absolutely. I encourage everyone that loves this show and Michael Lair to go to that website, get some merch. Support Michael Lair,

man, so he can buy some more beer, right? Yeah. They're a little pricey here. No shit. Yeah. Well, you tend to drink a bit. Enjoying the ride is right, Michael Lair, and it's going to be a long ride, so keep that battery charged on that wheelchair. No doubt.

And I think they're sold out, but it's pretty definite I'll be in Ventura. Oh, I love it. Coming to Ventura. How's that for a little announcement? Did I say it wrong? No, it's great. You're absolutely right. Two shows Thursday night. Catch Michael Lair there.

Alright, cool. There he goes. Michael Lair. Stay up here, Michael. We're going to pull another name out of the bucket. You guys like that? You want to go to the bucket one more time before finishing up here? Did we have a girl up here on stage tonight? Other than Melissa Villasenor and Chrissy Mayer?

All right. And the great Jetski Johnson. Okay, well, then let's find names until we get a lady up here, shall we? Oh, there's one. That'll work. Put your hands together for Sarah Fatimi, everybody. Sarah Fatimi.

Sarah here. Sarah Fatimi. Here she comes. One more time for your final comedian of the night, Sarah Fatimi. Hi guys, how are you? Thank you. I'm back in the States.

I was recently in the Middle East a couple months ago. Okay, no woos there. That's fine. I for once understand what it's like to be a non-Muslim on an airplane. As soon as we were taking off, the guy starts reading from the Quran, like in a deep-ass voice, like, I was like, I don't like how you say that while we're taxing. And then suddenly he was like, in a few hours, we will be serving brunch. I was like, oh, brunch, thank God. But yeah, I was, oh my God. I was actually in Iran where we were almost in the middle of some shit going down.

And thank God nothing happened because, I mean, they had a lot of beautiful cultural sites. And, like, what would we do without McDonald's, you know? Okie dokie, Sarah Fadime. Are you hot? Keep the microphone. Don't put that in there. How's it going, Sarah? I'm good.

How long have you been on stand-up comedy for? Four years. Four fucking years. Jesus fucking Christ, Sarah. What's going on? What's happening? Has anyone ever told you you did a good job at anything before? Has anyone ever been like, good set, Sarah, and then not followed up by, so you wanna

fuck? Sorry. You think I'm mean? Let's check in with Chef Gordon Ramsay. This is the first time I've ever said this. Get back in the kitchen! Sarah, we love you. We're just kidding, Sarah. Chrissy Mayer, I'm going to check in with you.

You know how hard it is to be a lady. What did you think of this performance? I think, Sarah, it's not too late to become a suicide bomber. Matt Bronger is the nicest guy I know. He's notoriously one of the few nice guys, nice guests in the history of this show. That's why it's going to be exciting right now when I check in with Matt Bronger. A hush falls over the crowd. Look, I'm not going to beat up someone who just took 75 punches from themselves. But, look, you jumped on stage and you immediately started talking like uh an annoying person on

a date and i feel like just like look i mean we all were kind of like oh you look nothing like your picture but comedically no i'm i'm being constructive here i honestly think like just you're you're worrying yourself off the stage like as soon as you jumped up and just, you know, when you said Iran, everyone was like, um, fucking coronavirus is there. Lean into that. You know what I mean? Or just try to, I would say push more buttons. You're pushing your own, push theirs.

That's it. Because I wasn't there when coronavirus was there. I was there when the almost world war... No more excuses! And that's fair. That's fair. That's fair. Take it easy. Sarah, so how many times a week do you, like, perform? What are we talking about here? Three to four.

Three to four. I know. I know. This was, like, brand new material, and I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to fuck up. No, it's okay. Don't ever fucking apologize. Don't do that.

Don't do that. Just be like, yeah, I took a shit. Eat it. You know what I mean? Honestly. Honestly. No one wants to hear the apology don't ever do that because because fuck that fuck them all we're all gonna die someday get up on this stage

even if you take a dump just say look at my dump it is my dump there are other dumps but this one is mine right i'm quoting the marines excuses apologies None of it works in this art form. I mean, you have to be hard on you and only you. And the fact that it's a brand new minute has nothing to do with, you know, whether it went well or not. You know, it's you chose. How long has it been since you've been on this show? We've had you on here before. Yeah.

May 2018. So like May 2018. So almost two years. So really, you could have done any minute that you've written Yeah, May 2018. So like... May 2018. So almost two years. So really you could have done any minute that you've written since May of 2018 and you chose with your brain a minute that you wrote when? When did you write that? On the plane back from

Iran two months ago. You wrote that on a... That's the most dangerous thing anyone's ever... an Iranian's ever done on an airplane before, was write that material. I mean, my goodness. Why not just jump in the cockpit and finish the job? You know what I mean?

Really, it's incredible. Iranians should not write on an airplane. That is the most dangerous thing you could do. My God. We should have united 93, that flight that you were on when you were in there writing.

Alright, everyone feels bad. What if she did another minute? Who knows? Yeah, you want to do another minute? Literally. Jeremiah famous for bad suggestions. I don't know why that would be a good idea. It's actually not a bad suggestion. She has an endearing quality about her

and people are rooting for her to succeed. You actually thought that the whole room was going to go crazy there, but you have two of her friends in the corner that clap for that. Not necessarily. I like it. Bam! There you go. Wow, Joel likes somebody.

Yeah. All right. Well, interesting idea however Sarah we're going to move on from this we're going to pull one more name out of the bucket and make it a quick one there goes Sarah Fatamy everybody it's good this is good

this is good for Sarah sometimes a bad appearance or a bad set or a bad show is exactly what it takes for someone to fucking get their shit together so how about a hand for sarah fatamy either having a breakthrough that is what breakthroughs are made out of right there either that or she's gonna quit either way it's a win-win you know what i mean Alright, let's get one more comedian up here. Alright, another lady. This could be good. Make some noise for Wendy

Wilkins, everybody. Here we go. Wendy Wilkins. Please be here, Wendy. Fuck. I don't see movement. Wendy Wilkins? Wendy Wilkins?

Fuck. Yeah, that's what sucks about when I say it's the last comedian of the night. Guys. Hey, band. Hello. Very good, yes. That's your main job. You didn't want to keep drawing? No, it's a little bit too loud, though.

You can't hear him talk. What anybody's saying when you're blowing a fucking saxophone that big into a goddamn microphone. We're all in good shape right now, ladies and gentlemen. The Bucket of Destiny has spoken, and it just so happens that we have pulled out a legend on this show. One that absolutely kills every single time he's on stage. He got taken to Skank Fest before because of a performance. He's beaten William Montgomery in a joke-off before.

It's you. You can start making your way up here. Make some noise for the great and powerful Steve Lee, everybody. Steve Lee, everyone. Steve Lee, everyone. Yeah, yeah. Uh, yeah, yeah. That'd be great. Come on, everyone.

Make some noise. Your final comedian of the night. This is it. The real deal. Steve Lee. One more time for Steve Lee, everybody. Steve, you're 40 seconds into your set right now. Can you please start talking? You wiped down the mic with a fucking...

All right, go ahead. Steve Lee. So one time after a show, someone gave me a rape whistle. Really fucked up my mind. I was so scared for the week. I started having nightmares like someone's going to rape me in a dark alley. And I called my female friend.

She was like, oh, my God. This is what women think about all the time. Like, now you know how a woman feels. This is what women think about all the time. Now you know how a woman feels. And I'm like, oh my god, I know how a woman feels now. My breast is so small. I gotta have a boob job.

Need to work on my game, finding rich men. I need to give really a lot of blowjob so people will like me. All right, that's my one minute. Okay, there you go. We restarted the clock for you. Once you started talking, you got the 53 seconds there.

Took you a little bit longer than you expected to wipe down the microphone, huh? You almost forgot you were completely disabled there for a second, huh? Did you see, like, Montgomery came out with that suit? Like, it's shit. With what you have going on, dude, I don't think coronavirus would be that bad for you. Yeah, fuck this cultism motherfucker. Yo, what are you doing? There only can be one.

There only can be one. Like Highlander. Like Highlander's sheep. There can only be one. This is true. Can you translate that? No, you heard exactly what he said. Cripple fight!

Cripple fight! Wow, there's a real cripple fight chant that started there. These open micers want to see fucking... You have real soft hands. He really does. My goodness gracious, this place is in chaos right now. I don't appreciate being disrespected like this. Yeah, he's clearly trying to take your spot. And of course I'm talking about your parking this. Yeah. He's clearly trying to take your spot.

And of course I'm talking about your parking spot. Yeah. Which is really what this is all about, isn't it? Yes! We found out a couple weeks ago this is the guy that's been taking your spot. Yeah, he obviously is alright. At least I can do stand-up comedy.

Oh! At least I can do stand-up comedy. Oh. Oh! World star! Where's... David Deary, Brandon, someone get on fucking camera number two, please. Is that what you call it? Oh, shit.

Michael Lair had a lot of time. Whoa! He's been faking it the whole time. Michael Lair just stood up. This is incredible. I really love this guy. He's going to die earlier. Wait, where'd you say you were going?

Yes, get some light on that. What did you say? He said that you're going to die sooner, but I don't know if that's true because he actually drives his car. You're going to kill yourself because you never get fucked. Oh, shit. That might be true.

And by the looks of things, I don't even think Steve Lee can masturbate properly. He's got those inside-out hands going on. This is incredible. We have never had, this is the first time we've ever had a cripple fight on the history of Kill Tony. We're almost, June's gonna be seven. Let's talk about raps, baby.

Let's talk about incline levels. What? Fuck yeah. So, Steve Lee, how do you feel about what's happening? Yes, the band can play that song. Very good. Steve Lee?

What do you mean? About what's happening here. How do you feel that Michael Lair's jumping in? He's got a microphone right now. What is this? I mean, he's gonna run over my foot after the show, and I'm gonna be dead, so I'm not gonna roast him anymore.

How do we settle this? Should you guys have, like, a thumb war or something like that? Or perhaps... How about I just push this in, and then we go from there. Perhaps you guys could have a simple friendly competition of paper paper

rocks. To be honest, I can only do paper. So I'm going to lose. I think you guys should start a gang and call it the Crips. Yeah. There will be blood.

Wow. So, Steve Lee, you just had a set. We're having fun up here. How's life been going for you? Good? Good, yeah. Trying to make short films now. I'm getting into making movies, producing.

Oh, that's great. Heck yeah. Yeah. Wow. You're following in the footsteps of the guy that made Parasite. Being a South Korean, making films, right? Yeah. You're South Korean, correct?

No. Oh, you're not? Chinese. What are you again? By the way, like... Chinese? Yeah, Chinese. Oh, wow.

My Chinese-Vietnamese landlord told me not to get too close to Chinese people. It's fucking racist. It's not racist. Look at the newspapers, man. I mean, actually, I was like, yeah, that's right. Right. No, I agree. So what have you been doing to prevent being near Chinese people?

I bring this stuff everywhere. Uh-huh. You know what I mean? Like, come on. You carry wet ones around with you. That's your big plan? And, okay, here's the thing. Like, Asian people are, like, cleaner, okay?

Because we don't. Cleaner than who? What the fuck are you talking about? We put our shoes outside, you know? Yeah. So rats can shit in them all night. All right, red band, relax over here. His girlfriend's Asian, like he should know.

Yeah, she never wipes her ass. It's been two weeks since my girlfriend's wiped her ass. Okay, Brian, Brian. Thanks to Tishy. Michael's shoes don't even touch the ground. Oh. Sorry, that was mean. Oh, oh.

I love you. Asians put their shoes outside. What else? What else is there about Asians that are cleaner than any other race? I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. All the best Chinese restaurants I go to have a C rating, so I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. That's for Chinese.

That's not. Oh, that's just Chinese. It's a mistake a lot of people make. Steve Lee, what do you think is the most Asian thing about you? What's something in your everyday life in which is super Asian? Like you have one of those kitties that waves at you or something like that in your house? I have like a Buddha thing in my car. Oh, in your car? In the mirror. In the mirror? I think you might need thing in my car. Oh, in your car?

The mirror. In the mirror? I think you might need to uncover that mirror. Oh, it's hanging from the mirror. Yeah, hanging from the mirror. All right. A Buddha thing. And also I download movies.

Oh, you illegally download movies? Wow, look at you, a filmmaker that illegally downloads movies. What an asshole. Have you ever thought that that's maybe the karma coming back at you, and that's why you were stricken with... What is this? What do you have again? Cerebral palsy?

No. Armiplasia. Armiplasia? Yeah. It's like the joint... Armiplasia. Armiplasia. I believe that's David Lucas' sister's name.

All right. Steve Lee, unbelievable as always. Another great new minute. So much fun watching you and Michael Lair have a little face-off there. There you go. Oh, shit, look at this. The world's most awkward fist bump, everybody. Steve Lee and Michael Lair connecting knuckles there.

Alright. This is one of the most dangerous parts of the show, Steve Lee getting off the stage. Hey, look at the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelts, everyone. That's what he did while you all sat there doing nothing. Hey! Unbelievable.

Make some noise. Her first time on the show, everybody. Make some noise for Chrissy Mayer, unbelievable. Make some noise. Her first time on the show, everybody. Make some noise for Chrissy Mayer, everyone. First time guest. Jumping into the insanity that is Kill Tony. Make sure you catch her on the wet spot on Compound Media. She's on tour right now. ChrissyMayer.com for tickets.

That's C-H-R-I-S-S-I-E-M-A-Y-R. Catch her March 20th at White Plains Comedy Club in New York. How about another hand for Matt Bronger, everybody? Brand new album. Please hold me available everywhere. He's got the podcast, This Might Help, coming back in a few weeks from a little hiatus.

This Might Help is his podcast. But check out his brand new album, Please Hold Me, available everywhere. Guys, we did it. How about Chef Gordon Ramsay, the great Jeremiah Watkins, everybody? You can catch him headlining the Huntington Beach Rec Room March 14th. I believe that's this Saturday with Joel Berg and the great William Montgomery opening up for him. 10 p.m. improv March 19th to the 20th. Sunnyvale's Rooster Teeth Feathers, April 9th to the 11th.

And the Sacramento Punchline, April 16th to the 18th. What else, Jeremiah? Yes, Huntington Beach this Saturday. YouTube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins got a page that is super fun there. And Jeremiah, stand up on social media. Thank you. There you go. Catch him in Huntington Beach.

How about a big hand for Paula Deen, the great Jetski Johnson, everybody. She's on social media, Jetski Johnson. Always a blast. What else, Jessie? Friday after we're in Ventura, I'm going to be in Ventura again, featuring for Ron Taylor. So if you're in the area. Awesome. Two nights in Ventura.

She's also going to be with us in Tacoma, Washington for two kill Tonys and Boston for two kill Tonys. Filling in for the great headliner, Jeremiah Watkins, who's going to be on the road. How about a big hand for the great Chroma Chris, everybody. going to be on the road. How about a big hand for the great Chroma Chris, everybody?

This guy is sponsored by some of the greatest musical companies in the world. Ernie Ball Strings, Orange Amplifiers, and G&L Guitars. Thank you guys so much. Absolutely. We love you, Chroma. Thanks for being down in La Jolla last night. It was on fire last night in La Jolla.

What do you think about tonight's episode? Oh, it left me a little hungry for more. Oh, my God. Okay, and guys, the backbone of the band, how about Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez on the ones and twos? He's mostly sorry on social media. Anything else, Joel? Nope, love you guys. Peace.

Catch him on all the road dates coming up with us. Very exciting stuff. And yeah, Ventura this Thursday, Tacoma, Skankfest South, Miami, Miami Stand-Up Show, Boston Stand-Up Show, Boston Kill Tony, and Moon Tower's official that Wednesday and that Thursday.

And I do believe we might even have some pretty cool guests for that one as well for those ones in Austin, Texas. Shout out to Caveman Coffee, Speedweed, Vito's Pizza. Go to ryanjebelt.com. Get some prints. Go to

michaellayercomedy.com and buy some merch and go to hellotushy.com slash killtony and get yourself a little fucking bidet. Clean your fucking ass, kill Tony fans. Hey, guys, if you guys in the audience, tomorrow if you want to come, Brody Stevens,

we're having a celebration for Brody Stevens. Me and Tony are both on the show. It's true. It's at 1030 here in the main room. There's some tickets available. Come hang out with us and let us celebrate Tony Brody. I'll be in that too. Oh, you are?

Oh, great. Yeah, I mean, why not come to the Brody thing? You guys were a sad audience tonight. Why not come and you'll fit in perfectly at the Brody Memorial tomorrow. At least you can rationalize being a half-energized audience

tomorrow night, the Brody Stevens Memorial. We love you guys. Thanks for coming out. Have a good night, everybody. Next week, next week with the Sklar Brothers, some of our favorite guests. The week after that, Tom Green.

And two weeks after that, Big Jay Oakerson and Shane Gillis. Good night, everybody. Thank you.