KILL TONY - KILL TONY #445 - VENTURA #2 (LOST EPISODE)

Episode Date: May 8, 2020

Michael Lehrer, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 03/12/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping, promo code searching, it takes skill, speed, sweat. Unless we're talking Kudo's new phone, internet, and streaming bundle. With the HappyStack stack you can sit back and stack up the savings on kudo internet a sweet phone plan netflix disney plus and amazon prime all starting at just 99 a month stack more spend less the happy stack only at kudo conditions apply hey this is red band and you are listening to kill tony check out our website death squad dot tv there you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the shows. You could also click on tour dates

to find out where we're at next. We have a bunch of new shows being rescheduled every day, so check it out. I know that Miami, Florida is going to be July 31st through August 1st. Then we have Skankfest Houston. It's been moved to September 25th through the 26th. Then we have Kill Tony Mania.

It returns to Sacramento October 14th and 15th. San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania 16th, 17th, and 18th. And then Tacoma, Washington has been moved October 30th through the 31st. Go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates for the latest updates. Go to tonyhingecliff.com. That's the official website of Tony Hinchcliffe

and he has tour dates and he has merch there. Go to tonyhingchcliffe.com that's the official website of tony henchcliffe and he has tour dates and he has some merch there go to tonyhenchcliffe.com ryan j ebelt he is the house artist he draws every episode he drew the book he has some posters and he has a huge sale going on right now so go to ryanjebelt.com and last but not least shop squad.tv that's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. And you also have the Kill Tony shirt there. Go to ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from Ventura, California

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for a Tony Hinchcliffe. What's up, Ventura? Make some fucking noise. Look at this. The great Brian Redman's here, everybody. The Late Show. Ventura, California. You guys excited to be here or what? A lot of people are saying this could be the last

live Kill Tony for at least weeks, everybody, and it's going to happen here in Ventura, the city that finally killed Tony, live. You guys excited about this? Alright. Exciting times as with all

road episodes. We're going to go guestless tonight. There's some fun tour dates. Perhaps they're happening. Perhaps they're not. Go to our social medias to find out. Skankfest South just got postponed. We're supposed to be in Tacoma next week doing two Kill Tonys and two stand-up shows. We'll see if that happens. Miami, April 3rd and 4th, maybe. Boston, April 9th, 10th, 11th,

two Kill Tonys, four stand-up shows, or perhaps zero of both. Moon Tower, it says it on the piece of paper that we're going to Moon Tower. Absolutely nobody knows. It also says that i'm opening up for dave chapelle and joe rogan april 24th and 25th but god hates me so he's canceling live shows right now that's what's happening caveman coffee we love you veto's pizza we love you very exciting stuff going on in the world and uh i do it all the little bit of money that I'm going to have left after the coronavirus ravages my wallet, I keep in a Ridge wallet. I used to have an old shitty wallet, but now I have a sleek titanium alloy Ridge wallet. It helps me keep a sleeker pocket, everything. I don't have to carry a bunch of extra stuff around.

You know all about this. It's two metal plates bound together by a durable elastic band. It looks nothing like a traditional wallet, and it's just incredible. It's a front pocket wallet that's designed to streamline what you carry every day. Yeah, I agree. I've had the same wallet my whole life. I've just had a tri-fold wallet, like a cheap one, Target, whatever. $30 wallet, lasts me a year, starts smelling like my butt. I get a new one. I took so much junk out of my wallet when I got this Ridge wallet. It's amazing how much junk you don't need in your wallet. And it keeps it in this nice little thin thing. You start putting it in your

front pocket instead of your back. Because when you have it in your back, it's killing your back. Especially when you're driving on a road trip. That shit adds up. So now I have it in the front. I'm a front pocket guy. I highly recommend Ridge Wallet. Absolutely. If you go to RidgeWallet.com right now and enter the promo code Tony, you are going to get 10% off. That's RidgeWallet.com

slash Kill Tony or promo code Kill Tony. Maybe even both. Who cares? Just go to slash Kill Tony, enter the promo code Kill Tony. Whatever. You know what it is. Go to Ridge Wallet. Get a Ridge Wallet. We all have them. It's a no-brainer.

It's lifetime guaranteed, free returns. You can't lose. Trust us. Get a Ridge Wallet. There you go. Probably won't get paid for that one. But you know what? It's not about the money here on Kill Tony. It's about you guys, the Kill Tony universe. You know what I'm saying?

That's not really true either. We do it for the money, 100%. Or else we would have just given away the tickets. Yeah, we're so happy that you guys are here. And you know who else is here, everybody? A band. We have a band on this show, everyone. Oh, hey, wait a second. Look at that guy. That's Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, all the way from this show, everyone. Oh, hey, wait a second. Look at that guy.

That's Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, all the way from Los Angeles, California. The real Ryan J. Ebelt, selling Kill Tony prints after the show. Maybe you'll even be able to get them autographed, if you're lucky. The right crew's here, hanging out. But Ryan J. Ebelt, an unbelievable artist.

Every print ever of every episode of Kill Tony is available at ryanjebelt.com. And that's very exciting. You guys ready to meet the band, huh? This is the show, guys. We're at it. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. Maybe it's a brand new character. Like the last episode, for the first time ever, they were wine tasters because we're at a winery. Maybe it's the brand new character. Like the last episode for the first time ever, they were wine tasters because we're at a winery. Maybe it's the return of famous characters that we've seen before. Let's all find out what they are together. I present to you the best damn band in the land.

The whole band. Jeremiah Watkins, Chroma Chris, Jetski Johnson, and Joel Bergdol. What are they doing? Oh, Pirates. What are they... Oh! Pirates! Oh my goodness. Wow. Real pirates.

Wow. Look at those costumes. These guys are unbelievable. How about a big hand for the band, everybody? That's the real Jeremiah Watkins right there. He's got an eyepatch, a hook, Jetski Johnson looking for the shores. Wow, Jeremiah, wow. This is impressive.

You look like a real fucking pirate. What's your name, sir? Yeah, me name's Captain Squawks. Squawk! Captain Squawks, Nice to meet you. Fuck yeah. And who's this beautiful young lady next to you? This is my pet bird.

Oh, how about the other one? What's your name, sweetheart? My name's Jennifer. Oh, just Jennifer, huh? Wow. There you go. Jennifer Jetski Johnson is here. How about you, sir, over there, the guitar player? How about you, young Chuck Norris-looking fellow over there?

Name's R.T. McSwagger. R.T. McSwagger. All right. And clearly here we have the world's most Mexican Bob Marley fan. Huh? Oh, hey. You pulled up your eye patch for that one? You have two good eyes?

It's Millie or Vanillie, one of them all. What's the eye patch for if you have two good eyes? You have to dress for the job you want. What's your name, buddy? My name is Ralph. Okie dokie. We've been sailing for the shores of the comedy store. Mitzy Shore, Sandy Shore, Polly Shore.

Hilarious. The band is here, ladies and gentlemen. They have arrived. Hey, let me just remind everybody, especially on that side of the room, that if you guys are talking about absolutely anything, you shouldn't be. And if you're ordering drinks, you could do that

quietly. And if you're on the other side of the bar, instead of saying, what do you want? You could just be like, what can I get you? We could all do this together. It can be a beautiful thing. We can all win. You guys want to do it together? An episode of Kill Tony, uninterrupted by traveling sound. I'm excited about this.

That brings me to this, guys. We have a real bucket of destiny here, everybody. A bunch of people signed up before the show for the chance to get on this stage and get 60 seconds uninterrupted. If that happens, you know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out

the angry Patty's bear, everyone. There you go. And then I interview you. We talk with you. You get to meet a bunch of pirates. Red Band probably flirts with you if you're a girl or something like that. You guys ready to start this fucking show, huh? Very good. Very good.

And then it shall begin And your first comedian Getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight Will go by the name of Wow We know this guy is actually the producer of the show He helps us every single episode One of the silent heroes Almost never gets pulled out of the bucket

Make some noise for one of our favorite humans, the great David Deary. Wow. Guys, this guy helps put on every single episode of Kill Tony at the Comedy Store. Make some noise for David Deary. Now watch me bomb. I grew up

before the internet. I didn't have good porn to teach me. I had Playboy. They didn't even show vagina. It was just bush. That was it. Just breasts and bush. I didn't even know what a pussy looked like.

I got to high school. A guy raised his arm in the locker room. I was like, look at that vagina. Oh my God. How'd they get it under his arm? Oh my God. Lucky bastard. Playboy magazine, they were made out of paper. Guys, you know what happens when paper and cum combine? That's a fight that cum wins every single time. It's not even close. You don't believe me? Next time you're playing rock, paper, scissors, throw the cum on them. That's a win-win-win.

Cum beats scissors. It rusts the scissors. Cum beats paper, obviously. And cum truthfully doesn't defeat rock, but it degrades the shit out of it. You ever try to throw a cummy rock at somebody? There you go. Wow.

Wow. David Deary. solid as fuck it's been a long time since you've been on the show and look at you yeah exactly a minute punch lines throughout i fucking loved it what's crazy is it's hard to hear someone talk about jerking off and for it to be something, especially from my perspective, we see so much comedy that it sounds like an original bit where it's just Bush. I didn't even know what a vagina looked like. That is so fucking funny and original and cool. You got through it fast, left a lot of fucking punchlines out there. Thank you. I loved it.

That's incredible. That's exactly how to do comedy. I didn't know what a vagina looked like. I really didn't. Right. No. You still look like you still don't know what a vagina looks like, David. How many times have you done Kill Tony? Is this your third? I think this is my fourth or something. Right. But it's been a long time.

This is the first time I put my name in the bucket since I even started working officially for the show. Wow. I'm happy to get pulled. It's great. It's been at least a year or two since you've been on the show. Yeah. It's been a long time. I just decided. I'm happy to get pulled. It's great. It's been at least a year or two since you've been on the show. Yeah, it's been a long time and I just decided if I'm going to go out, I'm going to do one more set. You know what I mean? We're all going to die.

Tell these people that's so cool. How long have you been doing... Tell these people. How long is that? This is my 10th year. 10th year doing stand-up comedy. You've been to Edinburgh, you've been all around the world. Germany, Sweden, everywhere. Anything interesting? up comedy and you've been to edinburgh you've been all around the world germany sweden everywhere yeah and uh anything interesting any any fun facts that we should know about your life or

your travels or anything i did um hop freight trains one time that's very interesting oh really yeah you look like you look like if you were by a train you would just tie a lady to the tracks what were you doing jumping from train to train just i just i don't know something like you like, you know, people want to write a book, people want to run a marathon. I always wanted the hop freight trains. Like, I don't know why, what that meant to me. Wow, wow. Jeez, what a faggot. I fucking did it.

Did you, like, eat sardines in, like, an empty, like, train car? Or what, like, did you do the whole deal? Yeah, no, we actually, no, we didn't eat sardines. But we did get on a train in Columeth Falls. I think it's California. Maybe it's Oregon. Who gives a fuck? Yeah, all right.

Never mind. What's your favorite country? Save it for the movie. What's your favorite country? Brian's is country crock. Yeah. There you go. That's a type of butter.

It is. I like Denmark is nice. I like Copenhagen is cool. Ah. And man, it's just great. I saw Bill Burr in Sweden. That was like one of the highlights of my life. It was just amazing.

2,000 people in this like gigantic circus tent. 2,000 super white people. Super white people, yeah. Yes. Isn't that just heaven for anybody? You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Okie dokie.

Anyway. Pirates, you guys ever see any black people out there on your travels? You know, it seems like all the pirates nowadays are black. What do you think about them taking your jobs? Nah, there's lots of Somalian pirates out there. But you know, you gotta keep doing what you do and loving what you love and sail

on the seven seas while you still can. Oh, wow. Let me check in with Ralph. It looks like your parrot's having some trouble with his legs. Let me see. What's going on? Lean towards me over here. Oh, jeez.

Whoa. Oh, my God. Oh. He's got a peg set. Is that a boner? It's like looking in a mirror. It is. You guys do. You both have giant beaks on you.

Oh, my God. It really is. You see that? That's hilarious. Oh, my God. Yikes. So, David, anything else interesting about your life that we should know about? Any other?

I tried to masturbate once, and then I had to switch hands. Oh, my goodness. You were playing hooky, hooky, cookie over there, huh? No, just happy to be part of the team, you know? Just happy to, my goodness. You were playing hooky, hooky, cookie over there, huh? No, just happy to be part of the team, you know? Just happy to, you know. Oh, geez, what a kiss-ass. I don't know. How about of your entire life?

Are there any other fun facts we should know about you? Ever, like, lose a testicle or anything like that? Never lost a testicle, never broke anything. No health scare, never? Health scare? Nah, dude, not really. Never broke a bone. Dropped in on Tony Hawk's Ram first try. That's right? Nah, dude. Not really. Never broke a bone? Dropped in on Tony Hawk's

ramp first try? That's right. Yeah, you did. You're a legend in the skateboarding world. I want to roll in on his ramp if anyone skateboards here. I mean, it's even the next level.

I want to go next level. You see? Oh, fuck yeah. There you go. Jesus Christ. Absolutely. I can't believe Tom Hanks' son made it here after finding out his parents. I love't believe Tom Hanks' son made it here after

finding out his parents. I love that shirtless video you did yesterday. That was incredible. All right, David. Well, congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket, and you're an amazing, amazing part of the show. We love you. David Deary, everybody. MF David Deary

on social media. Sure, yeah. There you go Absolutely Absolutely He also produces The Donyell Rawlings show Oh yeah Donnell Rawlings Is the name that you just tried to say

Donyell Hey yo Donyell Oh Jesus Wow this is interesting This lady got pulled out of the bucket the last show Donyell. Donyell. Hey, yo, Donyell. Oh, Jesus. Wow, this is interesting. This lady got pulled out of the bucket the last show. We found out a lot about her. Make some noise.

This is her third time ever on stage. All three times have been on Kill Tony. Make some noise for Blue Ball, everyone. Blue Ball is back. Hey, Blue Ball is back. Hey! Blue Ball's back. Blue Ball! Blue Ball! Come on, guys. Make some noise for Blue Ball. So I'm thinking about getting back on some dating apps. Like, you don't have much time left, or fumble.

But I was in the bathroom a couple weeks ago, and some girl just said, look, fastest way is to Snapchat that pussy. And I was like, really? She's like, just do it. So I live alone and just have a cell phone I don't know how you can snapchat the pussy without like a third hand or a neighbor or a good friend I thought fuck if I had that person so close to me. Why do I need to be on a dating app? But yeah, I don't know if you've ever tried to take a picture of your puss standing up with a cell phone.

It's just not that easy. So I don't live that far from here. I could probably use, yeah. Wow. Blue ball. I could probably use yeah wow blue ball blue ball so there was a bunch of jokes there let's talk about your real life though blue ball shall we

are you really trying to take selfies of your vagina have you tried to do that yet absolutely what's your full name on snapchat because it's not coming up lowball. I don't have it. It's okay. It's all right.

It's okay. Let's stick with this here. So when you do take the selfies of your vagina, what position do you often end up in? On the floor with like the timer on and then I scoot back. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, blue ball. Oh, my God. It hasn't worked out. And how old are you again? 52. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, blue ball. Oh, my God.

It hasn't worked out. And how old are you again? 52. 52 years old. Witch! Witch! 52 years old. Over a half a century old, and you're on Snapchat taking pictures of your fucking pussy. No, I'm not. I never got a decent picture.

Does it ever try to tag you in the app? Does it recognize your pussy? Let's just say I can probably photograph Arby's photos now. Hey, this guy knows. He just tried to activate the jet skis on that. We got some real fans in here tonight. I like this. Very exciting.

Where do you often send these pictures I haven't sent any Really You're almost old enough that the first picture You could have taken of your pussy A guy had to pull a string and a bunch of smoke You ever do that You have any of those wild west pictures

Of your pussy out there My pussy Never smiling I have a carved block of no one cares there's a lot of broken wine glasses that kill Tony we can't all turn into Andrew Dice Clay every time it happens guys

you know Tony I don't believe any chance we can get the fat owner of the weed company to shut up for the second show in a row shut the fuck up don't talk to anybody dude I'm watching you, you fucking idiot. I don't care how many joints you give out. I know that makes you like the king of Ventura.

I truly don't give a fuck. You are a loser to me, all right? You'll never be fucking south of the five, all right? Keep this up. I'm going to make sure they keep you up here. You'll never go south of Camarillo, okay? You fucking turd. You're at a live event with a horrible sound system. I mean, look at this. We got nothing. We got these out of David Lucas's trunk and brought them here tonight.

This place is an airport hangar. We can hear your fat voice. Plus, you're short. It's close to the ground. I mean, everything's bad about this. If anybody should not be talking, it's you. Alright. Anyway. Blue ball. Back to you and your saggy puss. Let's get back to you. Tony, I don't believe her. I bet you her phone is just all photos of her naked and shit like that. Can we go

through your phone and look at your photos? Jesus. Brian, you need to stop right now. I didn't know... Mostly butthole pics. Brian... Whoa! Hey! Did somebody say booty?

Can I take a peek at one of your butthole pics? No, they're not mine. They're just random ones. Oh, there you go. Yeah, it sounds like me collection. Wow. Her pussy's so old, I have a block of wood carved of it in the back of me ship. If you get a close-up on a pit bull's butthole, you'll notice it's the nicest butthole of any butthole.

What kind of junk will we find in that trunk? Blueball, what's the weirdest thing you've ever had in your butt, 52 years old? A tampon. Wow. What'd you do? You got drunk? Got drunk on your period? Put it in the wrong hole? That's kind of close.

Did it fall in? You ever dip it in some rum and have a party? Yeah. That's actually, that's it right there. You really had a tampon in your butt? Yeah, you soak it in alcohol and it's, you know. We call that a Captain Morgan. It used to be a thing.

My goodness. We call that a buried treasure. X marks the G spot. Wow. Hope someone would find it. My goodness gracious. How about your vagina? Weirdest thing you've ever had in your vagina, Blue Ball.

I feel like I can ask you anything after that first episode. A hook. All right. Like a doorknob. Really? How'd you end up with a doorknob? Oh, you fucked a door? You know when you're babysitting and you get bored? You do that hang thing from the top. Jesus, Brian.

What are you saying? I don't even know what you're talking about. It wasn't on the door. Knock, knock. Who's there? My pussy. Yeah. So how did you end up literally fucking a doorknob? Did you go doggie style with that? There was nothing else.

I mean, you go around people's houses. But I'm asking you, listen to the question that I just asked you. Did you back into the doorknob, or do you go front on the doorknob? I went front. Really? Wow. A literal slob on the knob. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Blue ball. What happened? Abso-fucking-lutely. Do you still talk to the door? I'm next, I guess. All right. Well, there you go, blue ball. You got up I guess. Oh. Yeah.

All right. Well, there you go, Blue Ball. You got up both shows. Congratulations. You're very lucky you did it again. Guys, make some noise for Blue Ball, everybody. Did you have fun? Did you have fun?

Here we go. Blue Ball, everyone. Oh, my God. What a... Doorknob. Doorknob fucking is actually a thing. Oh, my God. Doorknob. Doorknob fucking is actually a thing. Yeah. All right.

But that's a dildo on a door. Yeah, I was looking for a good one. I mean, I guess you're just settling for anything here. But all right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there? All right. Make some noise for your next comedian, David Bravo, everyone.

David Bravo. All right. Guys, I've been having a lot of trouble with high testosterone. I've been really angry, really horny all the time. I go out in public. It's kind of terrible. I see these couples, right? And I'm like, God, that girl's hot.

I'd like to do stuff to her. And I see the guy. I'm like, dude, that guy's a douchebag. I should kick his ass and steal his girlfriend. I feel that way all the time, guys. I'm always running into my ex-wife and her boyfriend. It's tragic. I'm also worried I'm going to get an STD.

I've been having lady problems. My friends, I hooked up with this really slutty girl. My friends are like, David, you've got to quit fucking around with your ex-wife like that. That's all I got, guys. There you go. Okay, that's one way to do it. That's all I got, guys. There you go. Okay.

That's one way to do it. That's all I got, guys. Is that true? You have a slutty ex-wife? I do. I hate that bitch. Why do you hate her? Actually, you know what?

It's all cool. No, it's not. No, I hate that. I got to play it nice. The divorce is hate that. I got to play it nice. The divorce is almost final. I'm going to play it a little bit longer. Okay. How long were you married for?

Two and a half years. Two years. Where'd you meet her at? High school, man. Jesus, how old are you? I am 25. What the fuck were you doing at a high school? Where we've been together.

This is 20 years ago. You just failed the test, dude. I don't think you're going to win this divorce case at all. Is she still in high school? No, she's older than me, actually. What were you guys doing at a high school? Oh, I see. I see.

You met her in high school. You didn't see each other for a while, and then you started. Or you were dating in high school? Mm-hmm. Oh, you just got married two years ago. Why'd you wait so long to get married? I don't know, man. I thought I was playing it safe.

You're not smart, are you? No, actually. What do you do for work? Huh? What do you do for work? I? What do you do for work? I don't want to send the crowd into a pandemonium, but I'm an engineer at a toilet paper factory. Wow.

If at first you don't succeed, ply, ply again. What does an engineer at a toilet factory do? I do projects to basically make toilet paper faster and better. Wow. What's toilet paper? The good stuff, man. Charmin.

So what's the good technology in toilet paper lately? Because it doesn't seem like it's changed for a long time. It hasn't? Yes, is there any technological advances in toilet paper coming our way soon? Did you all see that Freedom Roll? Freedom Roll? Tell us about it. You didn't see that? Dude, it was big as hell. It's like this big.

So you work for Charmin, but you dress like the brawny man. Yeah. It's true. I love it. David, why do you dress like that? Do you inherit that from your father or your grandfather or something like that? None of your clothes fit you.

Yeah, this is a hand-me-down. These are all hand-me-downs. It really is. Is it really? Yeah, I'm the youngest of seven, so I got the hookup. Wow. I got all the hand-me-downs I want, and I am 25 still getting them. Goddamn, look at that. Youngest of seven. Your mom's pussy was beat up.

His middle name is Doorknob. This is what happens. This is what happens when the doorknob has a baby. My God. Do you close with your mom? Yeah.

Really? Not like super close. Man, you have real woman problems in your life, huh? Dude, I do have some serious woman problems. Why do you think that is? What happened? Oh, no, dude. Honestly, look.

I'm like super book smart, right? But like with the ladies, I'm just like retarded, man. It's bad. You should try rape. Nah, he's kidding. He's a pirate. Don't listen to him. I feel like this guy

will listen. I'm the youngest of seven. David, what do you mean you're retarded with women explain yourself but give us an example of you being retarded with women oh man uh so so i i typically do like the textbook wrong thing like what so i was chatting up this girl um and i i think i did like what i would consider the the comedian's equivalent of sending dick pics. It was when I first started comedy, and I thought, oh, yeah, comedy, I'm cool. And I was hitting her up, and she told me I was just a basic white boy.

She was Mexican. She was hot, and I wanted to get with her. And I was like, I'm not just your average white boy. Look at this. And I sent her my stand-up videos. Oh, shit. Oh, so she did get raped. Very I sent her my stand-up videos. Oh, shit. Oh, so she did get raped. Very good.

I was blacklisted, dude. My goodness gracious. What happened after you sent her the videos? Honestly, we talked for a little while. And then... About what? About how she feels like she could do a better job than you already? Yeah, so you're not even funny, fool.

Yeah, we actually have her on the line. She's right over there. Yeah, why don't you talk about, like, Mexican things? Well, yeah, so we were talking for a little while, and then... Oh, she hung up again. Hold on, I gotta go feed my baby. Hold on, I gotta go wash my baby. Hold on, I gotta go wash my white Civic. I'll see you later. That's the work of art right there. She had three kids, it turned out.

She had what? She had three kids and three cats. Wow. Look at that. She should have took financial advantage of me. Let me ask the Mexican lady. Can I get her back on the line? Is that possible?

Yeah, what's up, fool? Right here, man. Oh, hey, what's up? Why do you... Why is it that you... Well, first of all, how do you have a phone that rings after you answer? That's crazy.

These prison phones are crazy, man. Oh, my goodness. And my next question is, what's the deal with having as many cats as you have kids? Like, what comes first there? Is this like a chicken or the egg thing? You get a cat, and then you're like, I need a baby or whatever. Well, you know, what's the deal with having as many cats as you have kids? Like, what comes first there? Is this like a chicken or the egg thing? You get a cat and then you're like, I need a baby or whatever. Well, you know, I have the cats, so I have stuff to feed my children, you know?

That cat litter, homie. Wait, why do you feed your kids cat litter? My goodness, Joel is being racist to his own people on this one. It's funny watching Mexicans people throw each other Mexicans people? normally you guys there you go, okay, very good Brian

there you go anyway, so David, anything else crazy about you? Like, what's the street smartest thing you've ever done? You said you're book smart, not street smart, but give us an example of a time that you were super street smart. So, I was in Milwaukee recently. Uh-huh. The mean streets of Milwaukee. And there were some mean streets, but I was in the hood, right, and I was hanging out with these cool kids.

Oh, my God. And I needed some help. And so I bought them cigarettes, right? And I was hanging out with these cool kids. Oh my God. And I needed some help. And so I bought them cigarettes, right? They were under 21. And I hooked them up with some cigarettes. Wait, wait, wait. Stop. First of all, the legal age to buy cigarettes is 18.

Do you know that? I'm not there, dude. How long ago was it? They just changed it to 21. Oh. Like a month ago. Was it really cigarettes that you bought them? Oh yeah. Okay, so what happened? Go ahead. I'm sorry to 21. Oh. Like a month ago. Was it really cigarettes that you bought them? Oh, yeah. Okay, so what happened? Go ahead. I'm sorry to cut you off. All right, so I hooked them up, and then they hooked me up.

They took me to some party, and we met some women. And then... And you raped them? No, we met these six girls, and then I got... This guy couldn't rape a girl if she was naked and on her dick. Look, I'm a gentleman, okay? Let me ask you this. Exactly.

You're 25 years old. What were you doing in Milwaukee? I was out with my buddy. It was his Dirty 30 road trip back to his homeland. He's from Milwaukee. Right, so you're hanging out. I can tell why women don't like him. He uses phrases like Dirty 30.

Yeah. So you're hanging out with your friend. It's his 30th fucking birthday. How do you even get in position to buy these kids that are under 21 cigarettes? Are you out front of the convenience store? Like, what's happening there? No, so I'm like, I'm partying with them. You're partying with kids under 21.

What's going on there, buddy? They're over 18, dude. Really? Was Chris Hansen serving cookies and lemonade at this party? Just sweet tea. I got a bunch of toilet paper in my trunk. I'll buy you some cigarettes, kids. Was that Chroma Chris?

Hey, silent but deadly over there. We're going to go TP some houses on this party. Do it again. Do it again. Do another one. Arr! It's a brand name. It's Charmin. Chroma Chris on the

spot. On the spot two episodes in a row. This guy performs under pressure. I love it, man. Okay, so you're partying with a bunch of 18-year-old kids, right? Yeah. How did that make you feel?

Did you feel safe the whole time? I felt... You know who likes to hang around 18-year-olds sometimes? 17-year-olds. Did you ever think about that? That's right. My baby daddy was 17. No, I didn't do anything seedy.

I mean, I just bought him cigarettes. Wait a second. Then you went to a party, and you met a bunch of girls with him. Yeah, and I bought the girls cigarettes, too, and it was a good old time. Jesus Christ. Let's check in with Jetski Johnson. So were you just standing outside the liquor store Asking every kid if you could buy them cigarettes?

Pretty much We don't smoke, dude, are you sure? Come on Jewel pods, anything? Chewing I was in Milwaukee, dude, those kids are cool Dude, shut up, dude, you suck Wow, so you go.

Wow. So you're at the party, and then what happens? I left with the three dudes I was with. We found six girls. So I'm at the party, and one of the girls started their periods, and it was very awkward. It was past curfew. Okay, okay, okay. Anyways, let's let him go.

Let him go. We left. Uh-huh. And the guys left, so I was just with six girls by myself. Six tiny little girls. There you are, just you and them. They're there playing hopscotch and jumping rope, and you're just there chain-smoking cigarettes,

tossing a roll of toilet paper up in the air to yourself. That's my kickball. And then what happens? Well, so... You and six girls. The six girls combined age, 38. Do the math on that one. So I wasn't, like, pimping, right?

I was more like a father figure to them. Uh-huh. Like what? I was like, stop. I'm getting seasick. Oh, my God. Yo. How were you a father figure to them?

I was like the cool dad that bought them cigarettes and then told them to stay in school. You think that's what fathers do to their daughters? Hey, let me buy you some cigarettes, kid. Get you started on one of the worst habits ever created.

Come on, seriously. What were you doing with these girls? Don't try to be funny. Be real. We want the real story here. By the way, I'm going to keep him up here for the rest of the episode. If you guys are wondering. Like, oh, maybe I'll get pulled out of the bucket.

No. This is the David Bravo episode of Kill Tony. Live from Ventura. No, I was just living life. And I bought this pack of cigarettes, and I was like, I don't smoke cigarettes, so what am I going to do with these? I'm a pirate, and I'm disgusted by you.

At any point of this party of the night, did you say, please tell me I'm cool? Yeah. You're just living your life? What the fuck are you talking about look I was like married when I was in college so I'm pretending I'm 18 again

okay so then what happens this is the greatest story in the history of the show go ahead then what happens you're hanging out with six barely legal girls go ahead and then what you're being their father buying them cigarettes again and again and again.

They must have cartons at this point in the night. Welcome back to Joel Fights a Pedophile. So we went to get pizza. I was like, alright, let's go get some pizza, guys. You guys ever been to Chuck E. Cheese? Yeah.

So I gave them their weekly allowance And let them have some tokens So you guys You took them out to get pizza They didn't even make me buy them pizza You guys are at the local Sharky's Just eating pizza right

It doesn't matter This is all going to be in the police report It doesn't matter So anyway We slammed on some pizza. Wait, you did what? What did you do to the pizza? Slammed on a piece of six-year-old.

Slammed on a piece of six-year-old girl. You guys are rounding down What is happening? I've decided that everything he is saying In his vernacular Is trying to cater to the youth But he clearly doesn't know He's dirty 30

You know Oh my god This is the only guy in the history of the show that has gotten funnier throughout his appearance on this show. Like, the 60 seconds was nothing, and now you're just up here slamming, like, you know, living my life,

slamming pizza with 16-year-old girls. Cloud life. Go ahead, tell us more. So what happens after the pizza? So we ate the pizza. Now what? Now you have to change the girls' diapers after that? No, they kind of like,

were like, hey, we're tired, we're going to go home, and I was... It's past our bedtime. I told him. It's past our bedtime. We've got to be going. It's 6 p.m.

It was like 3 a.m. Oh, 3 a.m. Oh my god. I need to go to Betty Bye. They left and I gave them cigarettes to go. Oh, you son of a bitch. Jesus fucking Christ.

I still had cigarettes left. How many cigarettes? You live life like you're in prison. Get rid of those. How many cigarettes can I give you for something? That's the currency in Milwaukee. You ever hear of legal tender before? Get rid of those.

Those are evidence. I know. I was trying to get rid of them and it was the next morning and we went to the rich side of town. Let's check in with Jetski Johnson. I think we should cut all his clothes off and it was the next morning, and we went to the rich side of town. Let's check in with Jetski Johnson. I think we should cut all his clothes off and rob him. What do you think?

Oh, there's a real pirate over there. All right, David Bravo. Well, you definitely have set the Ventura record for most interesting guests. You've been up here for almost 16 minutes total. That's very rare on this show. Thank you. That is very rare on this show. Thank you. Thank you. That is very rare on this show. Hold on a second.

It's not over yet. Let's check in with Ralph. Just so you know, Chris Hansen's outside waiting for you. Let me ask you this. The very, very end, like, do you drop them off, or do they get in an Uber, get on a school bus? What happens here exactly? They got on a Uber.

They got in a Uber. They're tricycles and left. They got in a Uber. Did on a school bus? What happens here? They got in a Uber. Did they kiss you goodbye? I walked home and then I chain smoked three or four cigarettes. We don't care about the fucking cigarettes. Let me ask you this. Did they give you hugs or anything at the end of the night?

I don't think so. You don't remember any of that part? No, they didn't. I just said bye. Did you try to flirt with any of these girls at any point? Honestly, I have no idea. You don't have any idea?

No, I didn't flirt with them. I was a gentleman about it. Yeah. A gentleman? Oh my god. I don't know. There's something real suspicious about this story. This is like an alibi and it's missing 2 to 3 a.m.

We find out the pizza place closed at 2. Your last name isn't Purse House, is it? Some woman just said, is this one of the little girls? Is she here? What did you say, ma'am? What did you say? Oh, very good. No, it's just a...

All right, there he goes. David Bravo, everybody. Congratulations, David. You're an interesting man. Sure. He just raped me. He just forced his elbow against mine. You gotta wear your glove, man.

His elbow. This is his elbow. Gloves don't protect against elbows. Depends how long the glove is. Whoa. Brian spitting knowledge over here. How about a hand for the band, everybody? All right.

We got a one-word name. If you signed up by one word and one word only and your name is Frank, then it is now your time on Kill Tony. Make some noise for Frank, everybody. Frank. Oh, here he comes. One more time for Frank, everyone. How's it going, everybody?

This is my first time, so please don't laugh. Thank you. Cool. I have a friend named Frank in my head, and he's a little offensive, so I apologize. Frank. Watch out, faggot! Already. This was your idea? You have any jokes? You ever shit so hard you gotta brush your teeth when you're done? It's gross. It's gross. You ever jerk off so hard you forget what day it is? That's disgusting, Frank. You have any clean jokes?

I know what your name means. My name, Josh? Jerks off on sleeping heads. I go by Joshua. Jerks off on sleeping heads until awakened. Okay, what about your name? Frank. Sure.

Fuck it! No, no, no, no, no, no, no. There you go. Frank. Far from the shallow now. Welcome, Frank. I love this guy. Yar. It's Josh.

Is Frank just your stage name? The voice in his head, right? He has a split personality disorder I gotcha Do you have real voices in your head? Yes Gotcha, sometimes is the answer There

So, okay Let's talk about it Should I call you Frank or Josh? You can do Josh If you want to talk to Frank, you can Okay, let's talk about it. Should I call you Frank or Josh? You can do Josh. Okay, Josh. Okay. Very good. If you want to talk to Frank, you can, but...

Okay, stop it. Yep, yep. Josh, how old are you? How old? Yep. 41. 41. How about Frank?

How old is Frank? Just kidding. So you're 41 years old. What do you do for work? I'm about to work on a farm. Oh, what are you going to do on the farm? Grow hemp and build a house for my daughter. Wow, grow hemp and build a

house for your daughter. My goodness, I didn't realize you live in the 1800s. Grow hemp and build a house for my daughter. How old's your daughter? Two and a half. Two and a half? Oh, it's a dollhouse. That's adorable. Does she like cigarettes? How about pizza?

Does she like pizza? No. Toilet paper? How about gentlemen? Gentlemen. Gentlemen. What about fatherly figures? Have you been growing hemp before in your life?

No. It's your first time? First time. What makes you want to go do that? Live off the land, be self-sustained. Heck yeah. You've been watching a lot of the History Channel, huh? Sometimes, yeah.

I love it. What are you excited to do? What are you excited to... Let me ask you this. What are you excited to get away from? What bothers you about the city in which you're like, fuck this, I'm going to go grow hemp? Just to be a little closer to nature. It's an animal

rescue as well. Just to expose my daughter to nature and animals. Expose your... To nature and animals. You shouldn't use expose and daughter that close together. Portrait of words.

Okay. You can use expose and daughter that close together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Portrait works. So, okay. So it's just going to be you and your two-and-a-half-year-old daughter? And Frank. And my... My roommate. Yeah. Or as the daughter calls it, my two dads. Or as she also calls it, Red Room. Sometimes. So is the mom still in your life?

It's a little difficult, a little complicated. You got to love Ventura. You got to love Ventura. Nobody is legally allowed to talk about the relationship that's ending. It's like, well, the court case is almost over. I murdered her. Not me. Frank.

Yes, yes, yes. Right. Fertilizer. So it's complicated. But you guys aren't together? No. No. You have a new woman in your life?

I do. Oh, yeah. Is she going to go live off the land with you? Yes, she is. Oh, shit. Hell yeah. You can go out there and fuck in the woods like cavemen or something like that. Yeah, find her buried treasure.

Yeah. And she's okay with the fact that you robbed that little kid in Home Alone? Damn it, Joel. He looks like all three of the bad guys in Home Alone. Is your daughter here on stage standing right next to you? Is she a real person? Is she a drawing, perhaps?

Is she a painting that you got at a thrift store? I see her every once in a while. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. What have you been I love it. I love it. What have you been doing up until this point?

You said you're going to go grow hemp for the first time, so where were you pumping gas at before? Nope. Nope. Working in Newberry Park at a machine shop.

Newberry Park at a machine shop? You're just like a real, you're an actual gentleman. Thank you. Thank you. I try. So you worked

in a machine shop. What else about your life? Any fun hobbies or anything like that? You seem like the kind of guy that fucking knows how to... Play music. Blacksmith. Oh, you do? What kind of music do you play?

Just whatever sounds good. Come on. I mean, like, what instrument? Drums. Wow. Oh, shit. Really? Yeah. how long have you been I hope you brought the biggest dildo

over here Josh how long have you been playing drums for 25 years oh my god Hey, over here, Josh. How long have you been playing drums for? 25 years. 25 years? Oh, my God. All right. All right, there you go, Joel. I guess you decide.

We're going to have a Mexican drum off, everybody. Get over there, Josh. Go sit down. Sit your fucking ass down over there. Get that wig out of the way. Throw that wig in that toy box there. Move those drumsticks off that snare. You can make any adjustments you want.

Now, let me remind you how this works, Josh, Frank, everybody. You can use the entire stage. You can do anything comedic that you want. It's completely up to the audience. They base it off of performance, comedy, everything. You can do it any way you want. You can do anything crazy. You can close out with

anything you want. You can fucking do anything. You understand? You have an opportunity. You're not going to be growing hemp if you win this. Well, actually, you might be because the show might be ending soon because live shows are ending, it turns out. But

you'll be the full-time drummer for the Kill Tony show, and Joel will have to fuck your girlfriend on a hemp farm and raise your two-year-old daughter. Yeah, you have to switch lives completely if you win. That's how this works. It only works one way. But the good news, because you seem scared about that,

the good news is no one in the history of the show has ever beaten Joel. At the end, the audience decides, and 100% of the time, Joel is one. Are you ready? This is a Mexican drum-off. This is Josh, everybody. Yeah! Everybody. All right.

He went with the age-old method of just a good, solid drum solo. Now, you know, I must warn you, Joel, on top of that, also tries to add a lot of comedy or something. Do you have any tricks you want to do, any magic tricks or anything? Oh, well, there you go. Unless you're a medium, you have no idea who's going to win this one. Well, here, take a step over here. Stand between me and this pirate over here.

I'm going to tell you right now, I've got to bring him up. He's undefeated all time. He's quoted as saying he will die on this stage before losing his job. I present to you the one, the only, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez! Oh my god. Apple cider vinegar, no! No, don't do it, no! What are you doing? That's old?

Yes! Wow, and clearly in memory of Stephen Brody Stevens, who loved apple cider vinegar, he's got the purple dildo! Completely bedazzled purple dildo! This is insanity. That dildo's been all around the world with him. He's never lost a Mexican drum off. He's pretty much completely

naked. The pirate just whispered in my ear that that purple dildo... Oh my, wait a second. What is that under the purple dildo? Jesus Christ, Joel. We need to give you a penis reduction, bro. This party's out of control.

That's our buddy Long Dong Silver there. He's got two dildos on right now. He's got two dildos. Ladies and gentlemen, this is it. This is what it looks like undefeated all time make some fucking noise for Joel Virgil the man ass Wow! Wow! Wow!

Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, my God! Oh my god. What is he doing? Oh, he's climbing. That is not stable. What is he doing? What is he doing? Oh my god. Chroma, make sure you have a hand on that.

Oh my god. He's on top of the speakers. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh whoa, he's got the deal. Joel, be careful. There's a little deer antler next to your cot on it. Okay, there you go. That's what I think deer antlers look like, everybody.

He's got to stay up there the rest of the show. All right, this might be the part where he literally dies on stage. Oh, there he goes. Ladies and gentlemen, there you go. That's what a drum... That was all part of his drum solo. Oh, he's playing the piano now. He's playing... Oh, my God.

He's on top of Ryan J.E. Belt. Oh! Oh, he's got a bongo! Oh my god! Oh my, is it still happening? Oh my god! Oh my god, he's got a steel chair I think it's still happening

He's still going For some reason Oh He did a backward somersault He did a barrel roll Now he's sucking the purple dildo He's about to do another barrel roll Oh my god he's got the purple dildo. He's sucking it. He's about to do another barrel roll. Oh, my God.

He's got the purple dildo in his butt. Oh, my God. I believe he won this eight minutes ago, and he's still going, everybody. Oh, oh, Joel, no. No, Joel. What are you doing? Watch that thing behind you. What are you doing?

What's he doing? No. Watch that branch thing. Oh my God. Oh my God. Please don't break that thing behind you. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh Jesus. Get the fuck out of here, loser! Oh God, he's got the iPo Cider vinegar. It's shocking. No, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Don't do that to him. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Fuck your dreams. Fuck your daughter. Fuck your stupid hemp. Bullshit, I hate you. Go die. I am the king. Get the fuck off my stage. Wait a second.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, Jesus. Okay, I have to ask by rule, everybody. I have to ask the question. Wow. What do you guys think about that? Is that exciting at all? Jesus, this guy climbed on both

of these what appear to be about at least six feet high speakers. Ladies and gentlemen, how many of you have Josh winning that one? Wow. How many of you have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez winning?

Wow. Wow. How many of you have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez winning? Oh my God. He's so funny that it's criminal, guys. One more time for Joel Jimenez, everybody. And there goes Josh. Thank you, Josh. Thank you, buddy. Thank you. There he goes. There goes Josh.

Thanks, Frank. I think we owe the winery at least $8 worth of apple cider vinegar. I don't know where he got that from. Yeah, I saw that. It was on top of the refrigerator. I think it had been there for a while. That is pretty wild. This place is out of control right now. My favorite part

was there were some parts that were really dangerous and people were worried. But then my favorite part is like there's some parts that were like really dangerous and people were like worried. But then like my favorite part was when Joel daintily was trying to get down from that set of speakers over there. Right. And somehow on both speakers he almost broke like I'm looking at these like

Blair Witch bullshit right here. Right. Yeah. Some of the ugliest art I've ever seen. It was like someone found two branches off of trees. But you could tell, it's the type of art that you can tell means a lot to whoever hung it up here. It's almost like we're in a winery and there are branches from the vines. Oh, wow. I would assume.

Wow. Chris's Native American name is Stops Momentum. Guys, I know we've done it a few times, but how about just one more time for Joel Bergdahl. You guys get to see what it's like live

in Ventura, California. That's what it's like live in Ventura, California. That's what it's like. Every time, that's what it's like. It seems like the one guy has a chance, and then all of a sudden Joel comes in and chugs apple cider vinegar. No, no, Joel, Joel, don't, don't. I wanted to jump down not daintily, sorry. No, no, you see that speaker's halfway on the thing that it's underneath?

I did notice that midway. Okay, this is a weird name. IT? Is IT here? Oh, here we go. IT, everybody. Make some noise for IT. Guys, come on. This is a comedian.

IT. IT. You know, guys, I have been doing comedy for a year and my family has been scared because they don't know how to make people laugh like the previous folks, just like Joel here.

And I don't get... You know, guys, I don't get it why my family are scared of me doing comedy, because my name is Isaac Le'en Tong. Forget the last name. Who cares about that? Isaac in Hebrew means happily laughing. Le'en means laughing. So I don't get it. I was destined to do this.

And you know what else? I gotta admit, I gotta make them even more scared because what they're really scared of me doing is drinking while doing comedy. So... Guys, don't give me no applause for the drinking but to scare my parents. Thank you.

Wow. Fuck yeah. Welcome, welcome. IT. Hell yeah, you fucking hate your parents, huh? Listen, the more closer I am to people, the more I make fun of them and troll them. Wow. What does that mean exactly?

It means great dishonor. All right, matey. So how long have you been out here? How long since you moved from Wuhan? Just kidding, IT. Were you born and raised here in Ventura? No, I was raised in San Jose, but I go to UCSB,

and I heard this place was here. Talk right into the tip of the microphone. Okay. You say that like we could possibly hear you before. Is that what you think Tony sounds like? Yes, it's me, Tony. Where is she? Why so serious?

Go ahead. Come on. Stick with me here. Stick with me here, IT. You can do this. Stick, stick, stick. Very good. Okay, I'm actually from San Jose, and I go to UCSB.

What are you studying at UCSB? Cultural anthropology and psychology. Wow, that's a lot. actually from San Jose and I go to UCSB. What are you studying at UCSB? Culture anthropology and psychology. Wow that's a lot. What are you going to do with that? What's your big plan? Well I kind of want to study how society develops but I also want to know how society will affect a particular person like myself. Right what's your, man? You seem like you're a little bit of everything, huh? According to my friends, I'm a walking meme. Yeah. Wow.

Let's see. Look at this. What is that? What does this all mean? He's wearing a second shirt as a scarf. That is interesting. Thank you. That is very bizarre. You look like you just got raped

by the Duke lacrosse team. That works if you know Duke. It was raped all against me. I'm in prison. Oh, boy. I think you would... I think you... All right.

So, uh, what's the deal? He looks like Asian wears Waldo. What do you mean, what's the deal? Like, what's your story? What do you like to do for fun? How old are you? I'm going to be 24. I don't like to say I'm 20.

I'm going to be 24. Okay, sure. There you go. You Asians and your numbers. You sure are. No, no. It's not just numbers. 23, bad Rocky number.

24, very Rocky. I am a Rocky 24. I never like a 23. My grandmother die on a 23 day. 24, very good. My grandmother died on the 23rd day 24th You know why? You know why? It's because it's a Chinese zodiac Every 12 years is a person's year

I always say the Chinese zodiac, same thing You're adorable, dude I can't I'm actually I look at a lot of more zodiacs Because I just also found out I'm a Cancer. Oh, you are? Yeah.

What kind? Testicular? Damn it, I hate when I laugh at my own jokes. Just a fun fact, I hate it when I laugh at my own jokes. If anybody else hates it, I hate it more than you. But that one, for some reason, it makes sense on you. I'm pretty sure I don't have prostate cancer because I'm still a virgin. Oh, really? Yeah. Virgin?

How about your butthole? Is that a virgin, too? No. No, right. What's, oh, you pointed your finger at that. You stick your finger up there sometimes. Wow. Put a little woo-woo in your doo-doo.

Put a little Corona in your virus. You know what I mean? Put a little PF in your Chang. You know what I'm talking about? Put a little duck in your sauce. You know what I'm saying? Put a little of that soy in your boy. Keep going, keep going.

Put a little of that edamame in your edadaddy, you know what I mean? Keep going, keep going. Put a little of that sushi in your pooshy. That was number 10. Oh, okay. Put a little of that wok in your crock. That was number 10. Oh, okay.

Put a little of that walk in your crock. No, you're stretching out? I got you all excited here? We had blue ball earlier. Now we have yellow ball up here. This is incredible. I like to go to the gym a lot. You do?

Yeah. Yeah, you look very egg-fu-young. All right, I can't stop myself now. I have all these Chinese references in my head. Put a little lock. I saw you Asian me up. I'm Asian, yeah. I saw Joel doing everything. I wasn't impressed by any of it.

Do you play drums? Huh? Do you play drums? No, no, not that part. Then shut the fuck up. Oh, no, I get it. You said not that part, like with the purple dildo. You think not that part like with the purple dildo. You think you could do better with the purple dildo?

Do we have it somewhere? Oh, it's on the ground? Oh, yeah, he likes it dirty, this fucking guy. Look at this. This is actually how the coronavirus started. Oh, Jesus. What's going on here? What? It's pointing north.

He's cosplaying as me. You think that's north? Jesus, you're going to school for three different things. We all know that's not north. That's up. You guys want to... It's pointing towards Jesus. I have a compass in my head.

I always know what north is. What's the crazy... If you had that thing home alone with you tonight, what would you end up doing with this? What do you think? Selling it on eBay. I don't need it. Really? No, I don't need it to get turned on.

What turns you on? Oh, that's a good question. Masturbation? Like, what do you like to... That's actually the end result of being turned on. My question is, what... This is like a Tarantino film. We're seeing the end first. What turns me on? Coming.

Coming. I like big butts, and I cannot lie. You cannot deny. Stop. But my question is, what are these big butts attached to that you like so much? My phone?

Your phone? And then the picture, the butt is attached to a... Pixels and a camera. A what? A woman. What else? You're going to say something.

It's best if we understand. And you said, what is the butt attached to? I said, pixels inside the picture. Inside the picture, there's a motherboard inside the computer. Outside the motherboard is an AC power unit with an electrical current that runs. There's a Wi-Fi signal behind that that broadcasts the picture to that.

It was funny, halfway through that, you remembered you were a pirate and started doing the voice signal. I've been surfing the web. By the way, pirate, if you get lost at any point, just remember, north is that way. We've been going the wrong way the whole time. Set the sails up, gentlemen.

Goddamn, IT, you're another one. We've had a couple interesting fucking interviewees up here tonight. My God. couple interesting fucking interviewees up here tonight my god so uh so yeah let's uh you keep answering me in uh in sort of code here like if you had a dream partner what would that partner look like that's a good one what would that look like i like how he makes fun of you a little bit after every question that you asked tony like What would that look like? I like how he makes fun of you a little bit after every question that you ask Tony.

Like, okay, now I'll tell you. Are you going to answer that? Now I will. Okay. It would have to be a woman who has very similar traits to my mother when it comes to nurturing. Like what? Like what? What type of traits does your mother have, other than being very disappointed?

Well. No, I'm just kidding. Go ahead. Breastfeeding, autism, you know, the usual. Why does everybody assume I have autism? Because look at you.

Yeah, look at me. I'm a meme. I'm a meme. Why does everybody think I have autism? If everybody thinks you have autism, you have autism. Did you breastfeed? Did you breastfeed when you were a baby?

He puts the I-T in autism. There is an I and a T in there. How can I breastfeed when I'm a baby? I was a baby. What do you mean, how can you breastfeed when you're a baby? Breastfeed is what a woman does for the child, right? Were you breastfed? Sure. See, that's very autistic to correct me right there.

I see why everybody thinks you're autistic. When your mom breastfed you, what came out? Green tea? Okie dokie. Sounds good. Maybe Tom Ka? Were your parents really hard on you growing up? Did you have the typical Asian family?

Like really... Actually, I was really hard on you growing up? Did you have the typical Asian family, like really... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Actually, I was really hard on them. If you know what I mean. What do you mean? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Wouldn't you like to know? It was exactly 24 days ago.

Took the words out of my mouth. Ha ha ha ha ha. All right. I love it, IT. Four days ago. Took the words out of my mouth. All right. I love it, IT. So you have a girlfriend right now? No. I need to be single. Why do you need to be single?

Because if I'm going to continue doing comedy and I'm having fun, I can't have a girlfriend. Why? Because then she'll be an anchor to doing comedy. Really? What do you pirates think about anchors? I love it. They didn't even realize. They're both like, oh, shit. Oh, fuck. That's right. I'm a fucking pirate. Anchor.

Oh, fuck. I haven't put down an anchor in years. I've been sailing for so many years. Me forgot what an anchor was. Yarr. years. I've been sailing for so many years. Me forgot what an anchor was. Yeah. I can't believe how much fun I'm having this episode. I was really like... Hi, good...

This is so funny. So interesting. This is like the universe definitely confirming that this will be our last episode in front of a live audience for a while. This is very exciting. This will hold some people over, hopefully, for a bit. Have to rewatch this one.

Why the two shirts? Because my family does laundry regularly. That's his rapper name, Two Shirts. Oh, my goodness gracious. What is happening here Oh my god look at this Talk about fruit stripes You know what I'm talking about

Wow It was getting cold Oh that's what happens Okay What do you have in your pocket There's a big thing there in your pocket What do you got there What is all that?

Oh, look at that. You are autistic. Look at those keys. Tony, I wish when he put the second shirt on, he's like, y'all know what you're trying to get, pussy man. May I see your keys? May I hold onto them? Can I just say this is by far

the most Asian key set I've ever seen. Oh, I thought that was dental floss. Those are... I thought it was a rabbit's foot. Yep. This is as Asian as it gets. You have a very little flashlight. You have keys to a Honda.

And the autism part, you have one of those flexy things to put around your wrist just in case you get lost or something like that, right? How about the rest? So your pocket is filled with shit. I can't believe it. You took... You guys see this? You guys are witnesses to this fat pocket?

He took this giant set of keys out, and it's still fat. What else is in there? He pulled stuff out of this left pocket. Whoa! Hold on a second. No. No, I got to see that.

What was it? That is the fattest wallet I've ever seen in my life. No, show the audience. I'm not gonna take your wallet. No. Please, I'm begging you. You have to show the audience that fucking wallet. This is a perfect time to remind you. No, just show them. No, just

show them the thickness. Don't open it. Close it. Take direction. Close it. Yes, look at that. Show them. Show them by angles. Turn it. Can you fucking believe that? That's about the size of a McDonald's cheeseburger, right? That is unbelievable. Yes.

That's how Redman measures things. Wow. Look at that. That's about 16 McNuggets. That's like a Baconator breakfast. That's the first time IT has been ever told that he has something thick in his pocket. You measure things by McDonald's. Oh, my God. That's like 42 cheeseburgers. I like McDonald's.

What the fuck, man? What's up with your wall? We find out that that's how Brian measures wealth as well. Wow, you must have like 900 cheeseburgers on the bank. And what the fuck is in your back pocket that's so big? Whoa, what is that? It's a second wallet. Oh, it's a kid's glove.

Oh, shit, dude. Did you get that from one of the girls that the cigarette guy hung out with? No, I bought it myself. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? You've got some fashion. What do I talk about? What do you talk about?

I don't take stuff from kids. I don't take stuff from kids either. Don't point at me and talk to me like that either. What the fuck is going on? You little son of a bitch. I don't think... Alright. Alright. I'm sorry.

He's been up here too long. These people are too interesting. Hey, before we end... Oh, look at you. Look at the decider. Not only are you a parasite, you're also a host. It's funny on multiple levels. He's deciding how long, and he's from the movie Parasite.

That was good. You're a nerd, too. Yeah, thank you. I agree 1,000%. Can I ask a request? Can Joel do the most impressive acrobatics thing right now? I've got to see it. What do you mean, the most impressive acrobatics thing?

You want to see him suck on the dildo again? We just had 20 minutes of Joel being all over the place. Hold on. I just wanna see what he wants. Can he do a cartwheel? Shut the fuck up, lady. There's no way you're as interesting as IT, you angry bitch.

We'll make you next. Do you wanna go next, lady? You angry? Did you sign up? Yeah. What's your name? Amy Trout. Amy Trout? Okay.

You'll be next. Something's fishy about that. But before we get to Amy, I want to know, what's the most impressive acrobatics thing that you saw him do? What do you mean? He was trying to do like a front flip or something. Or a back flip. No, you just want to see him bend over, dude. I know what's going on.

I am one tricky son of a bitch. I can show you one of my tricks right now. What's your trick? Alright. Can you move your leg, dude? Wait, what are you about to do? Don't hurt yourself. Hold on. It's very wet here. It's wet. Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You gotta go back, you guys are gonna have a battle. We're having a break dance battle right now. Whoa! What the fuck is happening? Why does Jeremiah always have to jump in everything? Yeah, there's something. Oh, my God.

All right, Jeremiah just did a... Wait, what's he doing? Get out of the way. What is he doing? What is he doing? He's drank so much apple cider vinegar. Spot him. Oh!

Wow. Whoa! Whoa! What are you going to do? How do you even compete with that? You have dishonored my family! What is he doing? Whoa! Whoa!

Alright, there he goes, everybody. IT, everyone. Oh. All right. There he goes, everybody. IT, everyone. Great stuff, IT. IT, great stuff. There's an elbow. Take your empty cup with you. Take your cup.

Jesus Christ. Chaos, I tell you. Chaos. My God. It's always so funny to me how on this show, not everyone's ever fucking happy. Like, even in the middle of that chaos, you have Amy Trout out there like,

get it, move on! Fuck all this killing and fun for people that got tickets! I want my 60 seconds! Well well amy i hope that you're excited because you get it sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for ladies and gentlemen i present to you amy trout everyone here she is here's amy trout We're going away from the bucket, cheating for the heckler, Amy Trout. One more time for Amy, everyone. Thanks, Ventura.

On my way here, I drove by a place called Petco Unleashed, and I thought about it twice, and I was like, is this an animal titty bar? I should take my turtle here, get him out of his shell. I live paycheck to paycheck, which means I live once every other week. Not this week, though, because I had to fucking pay rent.

I'm broke. We're all broke. We're all fucking comics in here. This guy's not broke. I've seen his car. But I'm broke. We're all broke. We're all fucking comics in here. This guy's not broke. I've seen his car. But I'm poor. I recently moved up in the world, though. I moved out of my mom's basement. I sleep on the couch now. You know how hard it is to get laid on the couch?

Not that hard when you got a pussy. I went to culinary school. Because it's not enough to suck a guy's dick anymore. You gotta make him a sandwich afterwards. I went to culinary school in Oxnard, though, because I had to learn how to make tamales. Fuck yeah. Amy Trout.

Fire in the sky. Amy Trout, welcome, welcome. How are you? Good, how are you? How long have you been doing stand-up comedy for? Three years. Three years. All of it here in Ventura? Is this where you live?

I live here, but I do comedy in L.A. and anywhere else around here. Uh-huh, uh-huh. What do you do for work? I'm a chef. Oh, you really are a chef. Yeah. Hell yeah. How long have you been doing that for?

Twelve years. That's fun. Exciting stuff. Yeah. Hell yeah. How long have you been doing that for? 12 years. That's fun. Exciting stuff. What's the most exciting thing about you? It's not as easy as it was with IT, is it? No. Yeah. When you were heckling, begging to be up there.

I'm not very exciting, you know? Really? You're not? I do comedy. I smoke a lot of weed, which makes me boring as fuck. Uh-huh. And then I cook food, which makes me even more boring. Wow.

There's some guy literally gagging in the audience right now. Are you okay? You about to throw up? What's going on, sir? What's going on? He probably does cocaine and he doesn't like food. Oh. What happened?

Is it IT or is it Amy Trout? I can't figure it out. I heard him say I wouldn't eat her pussy if she had the cure for scurvy in it. Do you get a lot of guys? I bet she does. He said it. I didn't say it. She lives in Ventura. I bet there's a lot of guys

that'll eat that pussy. Whoa, this guy just raised his hand. Little fucking Matthew McConaughey with leukemias chiming up over here. He put his hat on backwards like he was about to go to it. Looks like he likes saltwater fish. He put his hat on backwards like he was about to eat her sandlot. My last name is Trout.

No, I bet it is. You come from a long family of smelly pussies. I love that. So the legend goes. I love that. Is there anything wild about your vagina that you think makes it different than any other vagina? Or is it a typical vagina? I've been getting Botox in the right lips.

Really? Is that true? Botox in the right lips. Really? Is that true? No, that's not true. Now there's multiple guys gagging in the front row. This is getting worse. Amy, let me remind you. We just had a tiny in-the-closet gay Asian man on, and these guys didn't gag at all.

This is not helping your case whatsoever. We also had Blue Ball up here earlier and they weren't gagging. Twice. Oh, you watched Blue Ball twice. That must make you furious because you're competitive. Do you have an extended labia? Okay, that's enough. For you, Red Band, yes.

Oh, Jesus. Is that true that you really get Botox in only one of your vaginal lips? Don't laugh that hard. You've been doing comedy for three years. You can handle this. Only the right one. Is that true or is this some, like, just bad joke? No, it's not true.

I don't get Botox. Then why would you keep saying the right one if it didn't get a laugh the first time? Like, why would you say it again? I'm just curious. Ninth time's a charm. We all know that. I don't know. I don't know what's going on here.

There she goes. Amy Trout, everybody. Amy Trout. She wanted 60 seconds. She got it. Fuck yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, let's do something fun right now. William Montgomery could not make it tonight. David Lucas could not make it tonight.

Serious times. However, there's one other regular on this show, and he was able to make it, ladies and gentlemen. He's a goddamn American hero. He's an unstoppable machine. He's absolutely one of my favorite parts of this show all time. I present to you the one, the only

Michael Lehrer, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go, live from Ventura, California, in front of a live audience. He's got a big smile on his face. Come on, everybody. One more time, good and loud for Michael Lehrer. Michael Lehrer. I was telling my doctor that my condition makes it feel like gravity is on a stereo speaker now and it keeps getting turned up little by little and she said well that's a really poignant way to put it and I was really taken aback

and I said thanks for the poetry lesson bitch not fake I got trapped in a sweater today. The only way to escape was making a sweater vest.

Was that the sound? Michael Lair, everybody. Beautiful. A little bit of a different style on this one. A little bit long form with one big boom at the end. I fucking love it, Michael Lair. Yeah, always keep these peasants guessing. You're goddamn right, you did.

It's disgusting. You're goddamn right, you did. Y'all think y'all think you can put me in a box. I guarantee you cannot. That's right. Absolutely.

I mean, at least maybe in a couple years or something like that. If you fold me gently. Michael Lair, is this your first night performing in Ventura? You were on show number one, show number two. Dude, I don't even know

what part of the country I'm in. They let Michael get into one of the wine kegs earlier and uh he actually was talking like me at the beginning of the night and uh you know what's great doing these road shows or any shows

I get a lot of audience members who come up to me and they're like, oh, I broke my legs, or I broke my pelvis, and I broke my hips, like Aphrodite said. hips like Aphrodite said and I'm like I wish you fucking ignorant motherfuckers

like if any of my shit was broke that'd be repairable stop giving me medical advice you fucking stoners. Fuck yes, Michael Lair.

You are un-fucking-stoppable. I just absolutely love you. What else is going on, Michael? Anything else? I love this. It's really fun. I'm selling a shitload of merch. Fuck yeah.

Michaelaircomedy.com Yeah, you have some cool t-shirts, man. I checked it out. It was awesome. MichaelLearComedy.com Yeah, you have some cool t-shirts, man. I checked it out. That was awesome. Yeah, man. I found it to help me out with the designs. I really have problems. Oh, really?

I thought you hand-drew everything yourself. No? Yeah. It's like Charlie Brown's shirt. Yeah. Yeah, um... I haven't signed my name since my son's 21st birthday card. I got you, bitch. What? What. What? I don't know. You made a joke how I can't even sign my son's birthday card,

but it's been a long night with a lot of wine. Hell yeah, it has. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Michael Lair is headed back home tonight. We're actually going to put him in one of the kegs and send him down the ocean. We're actually just going to drop him in there.

Hey, doing that down Niagara Falls made me this way. So maybe doing it back to LA will reverse the course. Come on, people. This is the real deal. Michael Lehrer, everybody.

People, if you ever make noise in your life, make it right now for the great Michael Lair. Fuck yeah. You guys think we should go to this bucket one more time, huh? How great is he? I love it. Looking at this guy, he looks like fat Dave Navarro in the middle of the room. You guys see this guy?

Next to the guy with the wobbly cowboy hat. Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. He's like 42 hamburgers deep. He looks like Blue Cheese Traveler. That's literally the guy who booked the show here. Blues to Traveler.

Oh, my God. He does look like that. Pulled a name out of the bucket. Your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Michael Silver. Michael Silver. goes by the name of Michael Silver. Michael Silver. Oh, we know this guy.

Michael Silver, everybody. Come on, one more time for Michael. You got any Latinos? So I'm Latino. A lot of people, they don't believe me. My coworker, Rodrigo, for example. He's like, Mikey, you're'm Latino. A lot of people, they don't believe me. My coworker, Rodrigo, for example. He's like, Mikey, you're not Latino. So I put on a wife beater and a flannel,

then I stab him. You guys ever think, at abortion clinics, is a receptionist allowed to have photos of her children? You know? Just like up front. Better yet, I wonder if there's like a bring your kids to work day at abortion clinics. I feel like that'd be a little bit inappropriate.

I don't know. Lots of people don't like jury duty. I don't really understand why. I had jury duty last week. Loved it. Best way to get paid to make sure you're not a suspect. You know what I mean? It's fun stuff. Alright, thanks. I'm Michael Silver.

There you go. 56 seconds from Michael Silver. You've been on this show a few times down in beautiful Los Angeles, California at the Comedy Store, including this past Monday, correct? Yes, sir. Heck yeah.

And here you are again. Is this where you live? No, actually I drove from Big Bear today. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's been a long day. My goodness. Hell yeah, it is. Absolutely.

It's so crazy that Goldilocks would drive all the way from a Big Bear to be here. Yeah, it was an interesting day, man. Mixing up two nursery rhymes there or something. Goldilocks didn't even have any bears in her thing. Who's the one with bears? Yeah, Goldilocks and the three bears. Oh, yeah. The three little beds and the little porridges.

You know, the porridge, the soups. I was laughing during his set because the singer from Blues Travel's name is John Popper. That guy looks like John Jalapeno Popper. He does. He definitely needs to suck it in, suck it in, suck it in. If you're in, tinted.

The hook brings you back. Hey. Absolutely. Fuck yeah. No, this is exciting that we're up here with Captain Morgan Murphy over here. Fun Times Michael Silver. How's life going?

Are you really Latino? Yeah, I am. I'm also from Honduras. Really? And what's your dad? My dad is Russian. The whitest man of all time? Oh, Russian. Russian Jew. Heck yeah. No, that makes sense.

A white Russian. It's definitely got the dominant. Yeah, it's a very weird combination. Right, right, right. And we know a lot about you. You fillet fish for a living. Any of these pirates ever give you any of their booty? Oh yeah, all the time, you know. Oh, okay.

Yes. Does this guy give you a good price to fillet fish? Yes, he gives me a great marlin by the pound. Yeah. Huh. That's four quarter pounders, Brian. That's four quarter pounds. And that's 17 fillet-o-fishes,

Brian. Ah. Nah, I don't eat those. 17 is a very unlucky number. What did I tell you about the 17? You do 18. You do a 16 on number 17. All right. Anyway.

I mean, you've been on this show a bunch, Michael. You just got up on it again. How did it feel? I'm going to be honest with you. It was crazy to me that you did that Latino joke, and then I was just like, ugh, sort of, to be honest with you. Because it was just like sort of. It really didn't have anything that smart to it.

It was just sort of racist. And then you follow it up with that brilliant. What do you mean Tony is just a racist? Right. No, that's different. That's different. That's different. We're talking about stand-up comedy, just so that everybody's clear.

We're racist during the interview parts, but that's a stand-up joke that he wrote that's just pure racism with no real punchline. And then my point is, before I was rudely interrupted by this pirate, and then in the second position, you had this brilliant joke about having a picture of your

kids allowed at an abortion clinic, which I thought was absolutely, even though it's a short little joke, I thought it was absolutely brilliant and hilarious. It's actually longer. I just shortened it for the one minute. My point is this, is you should open with always,

no matter how long a set, no matter this or that, always open or close with a joke like that instead of a simple, you know, just sort of like racist joke. But I see why you did it, because you want to tell people that you're Latino, but that's not even believable anyway. I just thought because... Nobody believes you. Nobody. I know what you mean it, because you want to tell people that you're Latino, but that's not even believable anyway. I just thought because... Nobody believes you.

Nobody. I know what you mean, honestly. Nobody, including a DNA test. You would find out your mom cheated on her. Yeah, no, no doubt. No, just been sure. You know, I thought there'd be more Hispanics in here. Wait, no, I guess your mom...

Yeah, that didn't make any sense. Even Donald Trump would be like, no, he's fine. Yeah, he's good. All right, Michael Silver, you got up on Monday, you got up here. We're going to get one more person out of this bucket. There goes Michael Silver. See?

Not all interviews have to be 16 minutes long. Okay. Let's do this one. Oh, we know this young man. He gets pulled out a lot, too. Put your hands together for Jesse Campos, everyone. Jesse Campos. Yes. Yeah, thank you very much, guys.

How we doing? All right. Metal. So I have a lot of tattoos. I get a question, like, very often, like, do you have any tattoos that you regret? And I have one tattoo that I regret. I have it on my wrist. Like, I, when I was 18, it says, straight edge till death.

Meaning I'm against drugs and alcohol and then I turned 21 so that's what I have to deal with I used to be straight edge being straight edge, it made me very naive as an adult I'm very naive with things I just found out that song was it Mary Jane by Rick James I just found out it's about marijuana

this whole time I thought it was about the perspective of Spiderman it's not and also like I recently saw two guys go into a public restroom together like they went into a stall together and I thought oh they're gonna suck dick

that's what I thought and I was driving home I'm like oh they were doing cocaine and I remember this guy looked at me he's like hey you cool and I was like yeah man pro gay suck your dick. And then I went home. Alright, thanks, guys. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah.

Jesse Campos. Fuck yeah. This is what it would be like if John Oliver didn't have a father to help raise him. Juan Oliver. You've been on this show a bunch of times. Juan Oliver. You've been on this show a bunch of times. Welcome back.

Anything in your normal life changed since the last time we talked to you? Last time I got up was, I think, almost a year ago. So, yeah, a lot of things have changed. Like what? I got a gym membership. Oh, wow. Yeah, I've been going for, I think, like eight months now. Women's gym, curbs?

Yeah, totally. No, it's just 20-hour fitness. 20-hour fitness? You've got to hate that place. They close. The one in Ventura actually closes at 12 and opens at 4 a.m. Oh, wow. Do they call it a 20-hour fitness? No, it's just 24. It's been recent. But you call it 20-hour fitness

because you know the actual hours. Yeah. Wow, that's incredible. Got a gym membership. What else? What else? I just got a full-time job. Oh, yeah? Doing what? I assemble cables now.

Oh. Yeah, like I crimp them, I assemble them, you know, just put them together. You just crimp. That's all it does, right? Yeah. Like I just step on a pedal and then it does it itself. I'm just there. Wow.

Look at you. Yeah. Stepping on pedals. Yep. Bending cables. Crimping. And going to the gym where you can do both of those things. Yeah, yeah.

Very interesting, Jesse. What else? I've been going to a lot of concerts lately. A lot of ones I bought for the future, they just got canceled because of the coronavirus. Everything's canceled. Yeah, so I'm pretty bummed out about that. I was getting a lot of emails today, so I wasn't pretty happy about that. Been getting a lot of emails. How about she-mails? Been getting a lot of she-mails?

Nope, not yet. No? And then just... I'll tell you what, Jesse. You've been on the show a bunch in LA. So was Michael Silver. There's just something about ending a road episode with someone that gets up in LA a lot that I just don't like, so I'm gonna get you out of here. There goes Jesse

Campos, everyone. You know what? Let's have some real fun. I happened to talk to that blues traveler looking guy before the show. He said that he does stand up. Guys, let's finish the show. Let's make some noise

for John Pauper from Blues Choose Traveler, everybody. It's fucked up. Oh my God. Hey, before we start this time, just real quick. Hey, thank you guys for being here. Thank you so much. All right, got it.

Hey, come on. It's been all night. I got it. Okay. I have to move back in with my parents. I swear to God, it's a true thing. And it kind of sucks because the last time I lived there, something happened with me and my dad.

And I don't know if I can see him again. My dad's from Chile, and he loves soccer very much, and Chile was playing in the American Cup a few years ago, so he stayed home from work, and I was unemployed, so I woke up, and I shared a wall with him, because he was watching the game in the living room, and, you know, I woke up horny as shit as I do, and so I'm doing my thing and you know like you some like when we all come you know you hit that point of no return um where you know you're gonna come no matter what happens you know if you got a few seconds like you got five seconds um shut up uh so you know I hit my point it's already hard because I can hear my dad not like that oh shit

um so so I'm hitting my point of no return, and then my dad's team starts to get to the point of no return, so I'm like, oh shit, oh shit. And my dad's like, oh yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm like, oh fuck, no, no, no. My dad's like, yes, yes, yes. Dad, no, dad, no. He's like, Camilo, cool.

Oh my God. You did this. You did this. You did this, Tony. Look at you. Oh my God. It doesn't matter what you say. You're like Blues Traveler meets Blue Man Group. Look at this shirt, dude.

I watched this show and I should have known this when I put this shit on. Yeah, yeah, you are. You are like Latino Blues Traveler shit on. Yeah, yeah, you are. You are a Latino blues traveler for sure. Yes, I am. If he never did the run around at all. You need to make a desperate move or else... All right, forget it. Something about the Chinese chicken, perhaps?

God, look at you. What is that hat? I know. You look like the under God, look at you. What is the hat? I know. You look like the underkaker. Thank you. Thank you, Tony Hinchcliffe. My goodness gracious. Lord, do you eat anything other than churros?

You look like you only eat churros. I did this to myself. I'll keep it coming. I can handle it. He looks like he's looking for the nearest McDonald's Raiders of the Lost Arch. Yarr! Yarr! He looks like he ate a forbidden blueberry

in Wonka's factory. No! Grounds into it. It has begun. He looks like Zorro just let himself go. Yeah, Snorro. Choro. Holy shit.

I fell through the fluoro. It is incredible. I'll work out tomorrow. It is incredible. I never thought I'd get to meet the Sbarro Pizza Man. My God. It is. It's like if The Undertaker only did Tombstone pizzas.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God. It looks like he ate the other Blues Brother. Oh my god. It looks like he ate the other blues brother. He looks like if John Candy only ate candy. Wow. No, but seriously, we shouldn't make fun of transgender Lizzo like this.

This is incredible. My goodness gracious. Wow, for a second, when I called him up here, I thought somebody just rolled an empty wine keg on stage. Wow. So what do you like to eat? Wait, first of all,

what's your name? It doesn't matter what you say What's your name? Camilo Camilo, Jesus Christ Camilo and Stitch My God So how Camilo and Stitch my god so how this is very exciting

Ralphie DeMayo is here everybody Ralphie Mayo DeMayo alright what do you eat what made you like this oh no you're like Bill Burrito

You're like Louis C. Quesadilla Remember all these? These are all from episode 45 I had one more, I had another one There's another good one I can't remember You're like Burt Kreischer.

From the hip podcast, Two Bears, One Concave. My goodness gracious. Look at you, you giant blue fuck. I mean, my God. I've never seen anything like this. I know. You look like you just ate a Best Buy. He looks like literal stock in Walmart.

What's happening here? Wow. A stranger just put a gross hat on Jeremiah. There you go. Just a hat from CM Punk. One question. Why? Wow.

My goodness. I don't know what's going on here. I might kill that guy. Yeah, that's a good one. That is a good one, sir. But I would go with Blue Cheese Traveler, right? That still works. You could still do that. Are you taking

a selfie right now? Yeah, I'm taking pictures of them. I'm really happy to be up here. Are you? Yeah. What are you going to eat after this? Probably outside here. The food truck's probably still open. Everyone should go out there after the show. You're going to eat the food truck? Absolutely. Absolutely.

My goodness gracious. Well, Camilo? Camilo? You said it right. Camilo. Camilo. Wow. What else? Are you named after an El Camino?

No. Yeah! Are you named after an El Camino? Are you, an idiot? Wow. Look how excited you get. It's so funny. My goodness.

I could do that eight times an episode for you. I love it. Wow. There's a deep inner anger in you, Jeremiah. I love it. I like to watch it grow. This is pure joy. I don't know what deep anger you're talking about.

Okie dokie, Jeremiah. King of momentum over here. Very good. So Camilo actually was how did we get here? You booked us, is that right? You're the one that booked us at a

winery where the staff talks at full volume level throughout both entire shows. It's incredible. You could tell they're really used to live music here, not really comedy, but it was good. We got through it, right? Did you guys have fun here tonight? There he goes, Camilo, everybody.

Camilo. How exciting. His hat wasn't always bent like that. He just rolled over on it while sleeping one night. Look at that fucking thing. My God. Guys, we did it. Perhaps our

last Kill Tony in front of a live audience for up to weeks, perhaps months, maybe even ever. There is a slight chance that this could be the last ever in front of a live audience Kill Tony, technically. Who knows? There's no cure yet. And the coronavirus is taking over live shows. Everything's being canceled. NBA, March Madness, WrestleMania. We're watching it all happen. In the past, today, yesterday was the day that Tom Hanks got diagnosed with coronavirus.

A guy that's had AIDS in two different movies got coronavirus. The real deal. Philadelphia and Forrest Gump. And here he is now with coronavirus. Could die at any given moment. In fact, we actually did. We didn't want to tell you during the episode. We found out Tom Hanks died tonight, everybody.

So we're RIP Tom Hanks. I already wrote a tweet about it. I'm kidding. All right. Just kidding, guys. Did you guys have fun tonight? There you go. Make some noise for my boy, the son of an El Camino, Jeremiah Watkins, everybody.

There he goes. Look at that. Johnny Derp, everybody. Johnny Derp. goes. Look at that. Johnny Derp, everybody. Johnny Derp. Jeremiah doesn't do gigs with over 250 people, so all of his gigs are still

on. March 14th, the Huntington Beach Rec Room. March 19th and 20th, the Tempe Improv will be one-fourth of the way filled. Rooster T. Feathers in Sunnyvale, April 9th to the 11th. Fitting that he's performing 9-11, right?

9 to the 11th. Sacramento Punchline, April 16th to the 18th. There you go. Sacramento, another place where Jeremiah has a real following in Sacramento. His market, Sacramento, Sunnyvale, Tempe, and Huntington Beach. White people, everybody. White people. Come on, seriously.

Make some noise for Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. We joke around, people. Jeremiah and I have traveled the fucking world multiple times together. More than I've traveled with any of these guys, Jeremiah and I. So we're sick of each other. Go ahead, Jeremiah. I've got these Milkman shirts in the lobby. If you'd

like to grab one before I can never sell them in public again. They'll be right out in the lobby. And Jeremiah, stand up on social media since you probably won't be able to see me live ever again. And also YouTube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins. And also I want to sincerely send my love and thank you

to Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redband for providing us with the opportunity and the playground for what this show is and bringing us out to Ventura tonight on coronavirus holiday. All right, all right. Guys, the newest member of the band, the first full-time female member of the band, Jetski Johnson, everybody. She's Jetski Johnson on social media.

What else, Jessie? She's Jetski Johnson on social media What else, Jessie? Hey, tomorrow night, if you guys aren't doing anything I'm doing stand-up featuring for Ron Taylor at Beer Brats Seriously, guys, she's in Ventura doing stand-up Which I saw her do for the first time A long set in a very long time I saw her do it in Swansea

She had us absolutely dying in the back of the room And Ron Taylor, the guy that she's opening for, is one of those real comedy store geniuses, a fucking brilliant mind that you are going to see for the rest of your lives, and you seriously have a chance to see them tomorrow night. So if you have a few spare bucks, and you can go buy a ticket to see a fucking comedy show,

and you don't have anything to do tomorrow night, I implore you to check out that show. You'll thank me later. One more time for Jesse Johnson. Hey, you know what I forgot to do? I forgot to check in with that drawing from the great Ryan Jaibo. Look what he did. While you all sat there doing nothing, he drew that. On your way out, you can check it out. He's slinging posters as well tonight. You could probably get him autographed. How about a big hand for the great Chroma Chris Dillon, everyone.

Orange Amplifier. Ernie Ball Strings. This guy's got more sponsors than fucking Alcoholics Anonymous. Alright. What else, Chroma? Nothing. Thank you, guys. We love you, Chroma Chris. Absolutely.

He almost died up here. Two or three times up here for you tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, the backbone of the band, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody. I mean, holy shit. An official Ludwig drum artist. Anything else, Joel? No, I love you guys.

This is crazy. It's, yeah, I love it. Fuck it. Peace. Yeah. I love it. Fuck it. Peace. Yeah. And you know what? I will get sentimental for about 15 or 20 seconds here. I had a very, very, very interesting day today

finding out about the cancellations of a lot of gigs and moving stuff around, especially at our home club of the comedy store, which unfortunately we will not be able to do live shows in front of a live audience. So we're going to be streaming, going over some fun moments of the history of the show, a few special episodes of Kill Tony coming up after this. But I spent the whole day sort of bummed out, going back and forth with people at the comedy store negotiating what we possibly could do, was able to get us at least a room

to stream from. My point is, is there was also only, it was only like half sold today because so many people were afraid to buy tickets. I was like, maybe we should just combine the second show into the first. But I ended up doing this second show and you guys really showed up and you made it so much fun for me and I thank you so much for that. A lot of you came in last minute and you know, this is what we do. We're gonna get each other through all this shit

and no matter what, we'll be there for you. We'll figure out a way to keep delivering Kill Tonys. If we have to do it via Skype or whatever we're gonna fucking do it so thank you guys for making this last live show in a while fun for me Red Band thanks guys love you be safe

have a good night be safe wash your fucking hands don't be a buffoon Thank you. you