KILL TONY - KILL TONY #446

Episode Date: March 27, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, David Deery, Brandon Thompson, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 03/16/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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July 31st through August 1st. Then we have Skankfest Houston. It's been moved to September 25th through the 26th. Then we have Kill Tony Mania. It returns to Sacramento October 14th and 15th. San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania 16th, 17th, and 18th. And then Tacoma, Washington has been moved October 30th through the 31st. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates for the latest updates. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's the official website of Tony Hinchcliffe. And he has tour dates and he has some merch there. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com.

Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the book. He has some posters and he has a huge sale going on right now. So go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. And he also has the Kill Tony shirt there. Go to ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey, this is red band coming to you live from the road. Famous ice house for a brand new episode of kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Pasadena Ice House, we're here. Make some fucking noise. Fuck yeah. Hey, everybody. Look, Red Band's here, everyone. Hey. Wow, what an exciting time this is.

My goodness. Business is a boom and life is good. Hey, look, everybody. It's the great Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode. This is unbelievable. The crowd goes wild. Fuck yeah. A fun fact, believe it or not, everything's going on sale right now at ryanjebelt.com. It's an end of the world, everything must go. End of the world savings at ryanjebelt.com. Posters, prints, everything over there.

Very exciting. And life is good. Every single gig we have is rescheduled. Everything is canceled and or rescheduled. That includes Tacoma, Miami, Moon Tower, absolutely everything, WrestleMania. Everything is being rescheduled. No better time to hire people to work.

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I'm sure you're looking for new employees right now. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Yeah. Clearly there's an epidemic going on, people. The coronavirus is gripping the globe. Gripping the globe. That's what they say.

Gripping the globe. And it's a really big deal. We clearly have no guest on tonight's episode. As with all road episodes, we go guestless tonight. We've also gone audience-less. An audience-less episode. There's a couple people here. Shout out to our friend from Vito's Pizza, Curtis, right? Charlie. Charlie, of course. Good old Charlie from Vito's Pizza. Oh, Chris is the sound guy here at the Ice House. Shout out to Mitch and the Ice House for having us.

Those are the only other people here. However, ladies and gentlemen, there is, believe it or not, there is a band on this show. Every single week, they commit to being different characters. Sometimes it's a new character. Sometimes it's an old character. Tonight, for the first time ever, they are some of my favorite characters. They are themselves.

Ladies and gentlemen, don't make some noise for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, Chroma Chris, and Jesse Johnson. What an exciting time. Watch that chord. Oh, wow. This is literally 10 times weirder than I thought it would be, everyone. This is awesome. Welcome to the show, guys. This is exactly how I thought it would be. There you go.

Well, you are a genius. I love it. There you are. I love it. Absolutely. Welcome, guys. Come on in. Settle in.

This is a special episode of the show. We have a bunch of questions from fans and some special people. Welcome, Joel. How are you doing? I'm good, man. I think Bill Billingsley might be fucking coming out tonight, dude. Whoa, look out. You guys got alcohol over there?

Yeah, there's a bartender here if you want to order a drink. Janice, can you grab me one? Tito's sugar-free. Tito's sugar-free. Jack and Diet, please. Beautiful. Jack and Diet. That's good.

Shout out to David Deary, who's here running around, more paranoid than anybody else. He's convinced this is truly that we have days left to live. He's going around talking with everyone about it. Jeremiah, how are you, my friend? I'm good, pal. Yeah, we're getting a stool ready for the sheet music. We actually prepared music for tonight. So there you go. That's good. I like that. While we set up over there, let me just tell you. I went to the grocery store last night.

I went this morning. Yeah. I went last night because I'm like, I'm going to go to Whole Foods right before they close. And wow, it really hit me exactly what is going on out there. The only food left is gluten-free food and it's just stocked all the way to the brim everything gluten-free is there and all the other food is gone which leads me to believe that no one's ever eaten this gluten-free shit that's hilarious it is funny to see what was gone and what wasn't. Coca-Cola products, almost all gone,

except a couple two liters. Pepsi, every single thing Pepsi makes was there. It was so interesting. Of course. Is that how it is? More people really do like Coke that much? Oh, yeah. For sure.

Pepsi's fucking disgusting compared to regular Coke. Yeah, my friend shared a photo of Trader Joe's all wiped out except for the broccoli kale pizza crust. Right. No one eats that shit. I think people are going to gain more weight during the quarantine. Like, when it's over,

we're all just going to come out, like, heavier, fatter, slower. Well, they close the gyms, too. I was actually at a marijuana dispensary, and there was a guy in front of me that bought $2,300 worth of edibles. I swear to God. As his food supply?

You can't make this shit up. $2,300 worth of edibles. I heard him. He's like, just in case it's the end of the world. I'm like, dude, no matter what happens, you're going to think it's the end of the world. You have $2,300 worth of edibles. Your life is over. Do you guys

have toilet paper? Were you lucky enough to have to already stop? I'll use a towel or a tissue. Toilet paper is the last thing I give a fuck. That's as Mexican as it gets right there. Just confirming. Viva la Mexico right there. I think white people invented that though. Amish people

would use the community cloth. I'll use my hand and I'll use people invented that. Amish people would use the community cloth. I'll use my hand and I'll use a corn tortilla, dog. I'll just wait for it to dry and fall off. Oh, Red Band. You're not allowed to run your closer here on... Thank you, good night. All of a sudden a crowd appears. They crowd surf Red Band out of here like a god.

Crowd surf. More like crowd submarine he's sinking to the bottom of chroma how are you through all this good good i'm just uh i'm just waiting for uh for when trump's gonna start just passing out the toilet paper kind of like he was like just shooting hoops with the uh with the uh paper towels back in the day. Wow, that's a super topical reference. Do it again. Do another joke. Do you want me to do another one? Yeah, this is my new favorite tradition, just squeezing you for material. Come on, do another one.

You got one. What else are you waiting for? Don't help him. Hold on. I didn't prepare for this. Nobody prepared for this. There's no way to prepare for a goddamn pandemic. I know I'm not worried about toilet paper because, A, I always have a lot of toilet paper stocked up.

And, B, I use my amazing. Tushy. Yeah. Tushy. I use the promo code Kill Tony and I spray my ass royally clean. What's funny is if you go to mytushy.com slash kill Tony

it says Tony just killed 10% off your order. God damn right. It should say Tony sprayed 10% off your order. Can we get a few of those for the band? I just got the My Tushy Ottoman that you could also save 10% off. It's kind of like their version of, I guess I shouldn't say the name. Dude, I just got the My Tushy Ottoman that you could also save 10% off. It's kind of like their version of, I guess I shouldn't say the name. Dude, I just got the My Tushy Lazy Boy, and it's pretty sick.

There you go. I just got the My Tushy Butt Plug. It feels great. Wow. That's not a thing. I'm wearing it right now. All right. We just lost a loyal sponsor there.

Thanks a lot, Joel. They have a sense of humor. No, I'm just kidding. Of course they do. They're unbelievable. We love Tushy. They write some dirty of humor. No, I'm just kidding. Of course they do. They're unbelievable. We love Tushy. They write some dirty promos for us, so it's great. Well, here we are live from the Ice House.

We've actually done a show at the Ice House before. It was with the great Joe Rogan, Dom Irera, the late, great Kevin Lee Light, Jesus Christ himself, was our head of security that night. And here we are again. Zero audience. And this is their last show ever at the Ice House because they are going to remodel the whole thing. So this is the... Wait, what?

Yeah, they're closing down. When is that happening? Starting after the show. Really? From the Ice House to the Nice House. They are going through a full remodel. But they're going to be a club after, though. It's going to last.

It's going to look like this. The bus family, right? Shout out to the Lakers. Please don't raise the ceilings in here. This is such a good room. All right. Well, there you go. Perfect room.

Just to tell you how things bad are in the comedy world, I spent the last two nights at the Ha Ha Cafe. I closed out their show last night. I did 52 minutes. you were on stage last night yeah wow i've been on stage every night since the pandemic started i'll be in tempe on thursday no you won't no you won't dude i'm scheduled at the club well they'll probably cancel it but i am scheduled right now yeah i literally got a call today today that my agent said is still on and I was like, are you sure? Yeah. No. You drive into

that? Yeah. Oh, fuck, dude. I'm not flying to it, dude. Alright. These drums sound good in this room. Dude, I'm driving. I'm boring my legs tired. You know that? Okie dokie. This is an exciting time.

So let's just jump right into it. We can, what's that? Well, I don't really know. Let's take a question from a fan. I have a bucket filled with fan audience questions. And here we go. You guys going to play me a little something? All right, here we go.

I'm pulling a fan question out of the bucket. Oh, my God. That's a pro wrestling question, Janice. You let a pro wrestling question get in there. My favorite AEW and WWE wrestlers would be Cody Rhodes and Bray Wyatt. That's an easy one. Chroma Chris. Ooh, let's get started with a bang.

Chroma Chris, how long have you been playing the guitar and also your favorite song to play? Put your mouth right up to that microphone and tell these people. For him. Not even the microphone. What's next to it? I've been playing for, I would say, maybe 20 years. Started when I was 16.

I don't know. That's the math. Favorite song to play? All right. Come on. I just kind of play my own songs. I just like kind of jam into whatever we're going to be playing for next Monday or getting ready for shows. You ever play a song to serenade a girl or anything like that?

Like if you're trying to get laid or something, what's your go-to if you pick up your guitar and you have one song to play to try to get a lady interested in you? Hmm. When you're done doing your wacky Trump paper towel jokes and, uh, it seems to not be working. Yeah. She's like, well,

can you play me a song on the guitar? Yeah. Uh, maybe I'm trying to pull one out of the top of my head. We'll go with stand by me. Whoa. That's a good, so sexy.

Right. That's a good ladies. There you go. All right. All right. We get it. And the line is going. All right.

Okay. Another fun thing that we have here are some questions from some of our favorite comedian guests of the past. Surprise, surprise. Here's one from Benji Aflalo for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. This is an exciting one. So Benji, one of my great friends, says, Joel, Trump said today no groups of 10 or more should get together.

Does that make the bed you sleep in with all your Mexican cousins illegal? Wow, you guys are like illegal in so many ways that's what the question says it just seemed like a writing exercise for benji um uh i don't i don't even talk to my cousins honestly that would be the worst part of any of that uh how about the any mexican relatives that you live with you guys all sleep willyka style, right? No. Honestly, my parents own their house, dude. I get my own room.

It's kind of tight. I'm staying at my girlfriend's for the next two weeks, though. You know you could also get your own room when you have your own apartment. Hey, you know what? My parents need my help, Brian! No. Yeah. I'm staying at my girlfriend's house. My parents are old, and their immune system is deficient, so I'm trying not my girlfriend's house My parents are old

And their immune system is deficient So I'm trying not to be around them So well then who's taking care of them? My nephew he's there How old's your nephew? 21 What makes you think the 21 year old's not going to bring something back to your parents? You know what?

Out of sight out of mind baby You just didn't want the guilt of killing them yourself? Exactly yeah And Benji I'll be at your house tomorrow Alright Benji also had another question Out of sight, out of mind, baby. You just didn't want the guilt of killing them yourself? Exactly, yeah. And Benji, I'll be at your house tomorrow. All right. Benji also had another question. This one's for Redban. Redban, bigger corona concern for you,

being around this many people on tonight's show or going down on your Asian girlfriend? Well, obviously it's with you guys because she's the cleanest girl ever. Have you ever seen an Asian vagina? You see how small she is? That's fresh. That's like a baby vagina.

You ever see a baby vagina? Okay, Red Band. Red Band promoting pedophilia. The answer is both. No. My goodness gracious. Wow. Thanks, Benji. My goodness gracious. Wow. Thanks, Benji.

There you go. Benji Aflalo, everybody. Hey, Benji, are you worried that the Dodgers season is going to be canceled? That's my question to you. Does anybody have

a penny or a nickel? What do you want a penny or a nickel for? It won't fit my girlfriend's vagina if that's what you're going to try to do. Oh, okay.

Wow. Yeah, Chris, do you have a penny or a nickel? You have a key? Very good. Let's do that. Never mind. We got a quarter. Wow, Ryan G. Belt.

Oh, wow. Ryan G. Belt giving a quarter. Ironically, someone's asking for change after a question from Benji Aflalo. Very interesting. Yeah. Look at that. That worked. Okay.

Tony and Red Band, a question. I just pulled a quick one out here. Favorite guest and why? That's a hard one. There's so many. Eventually here, one of the things we might do is have the first ever Kill Tony Awards ceremony, which would be best guest, things like that. I could tell you who the nominees would be easily for that.

Dom Irera, right? Donnell Rawlings. So interesting. I thought that was one of the best episodes, but a lot of people did not. When you say people, are you talking about people on the internet? Oh, yes.

Those people. What are you talking about? I think, you know, I have to say this, but I think Joe Rogan's obviously one of my favorites every time he's on. I really wish we would have Joey Diaz on. That's one person that I wish we had.

Yeah, we've had Joey Diaz on once. Again, I mean. Yeah, it's been good. Ron White, always good. Kirk Fox, the Sklar brothers. A lot of good ones out there. And they're all different as far as the why. I mean, Donnell just was absolutely aggressively hilarious

throughout his episode. The Sklar brothers and Kirk Fox always give incredible, complex feedback for the comedians that come on stage. Everybody's different in their own special way. Ron White's so relaxed

and chill. There's so many reasons why. Rogan's so relaxed and chill. There's so many reasons why. Rogan's always like, his mind's always blown at everything that's happening. The show's illegal. Right. It's always fun to just watch him have fun. How about you guys? Do you guys have any that stand

out to you that we didn't mention? Favorite guest? Moshe Kasher is always awesome. Oh, yes. Of course. The great Moshe Kasher is always awesome. Oh yes, of course. The great Moshe Kasher. Absolutely. That's it. That's it. I like Eric Griffin

a lot. There you go. Did you say Ron White? Yep. Okay. That's mine. I like Bert. He adds a lot of energy to the show that I like when he's on. But, yeah.

I thought Whitney Cummings was really great. She was. Because all the internet trolls were thinking she was going to be like a SJW type, and they forget that she's like a comic and i thought she came on and was like really it was really fun paulie i like paulie a lot because he's one of those guys who he would sprinkle in these really old stories but then he'd also give advice every once in a while but then he'd sit in the pocket and let the show kind of do what it does and then he would like come in and be like a sniper every once in a while with

like jokes which i liked i do miss having brody on the show though he was always one of my favorites on that on the show in particular of course one of the greatest guests of all time without a doubt the late great brody stevens i would love to hear his corona jokes right now i can't even imagine what they would be like yeah i heard uh greg fitzsimmons the other day me him uh he was on one of the rogan shows and uh my god he came out guns a blazing with five six seven new minutes on coronavirus it was just mind-boggling i love greg too yeah i mean there's so many really the favorite guests are anybody who you've ever seen more than once on the show. That's a pretty easy way to know who the favorite guests are.

Because I get to sort of pick whoever I want. So it's easy to know who is good. Go ahead. I was going to say Tim Dillon. Don't forget about that. Oh, my God. Yes. What a crime.

By the way, I just got a text from Michael Lehrer. He wanted to add to his favorite person that's been on the show, Purse House. Is that really Michael Lehrer texting you? Oh, that's great. Oh, I love that. Michael Lehrer, please feel free to text in anything that you're thinking throughout this episode.

I love it. Speaking of Tim Dillon, we actually had a question get sent in from the great Tim Dillon, everybody. How fun is that? Yeah, Tim Dillon wanted to know what's the biggest fight in the cast's history. I couldn't really think of one. Probably in London when you and Brian were arguing over going over to like a Shake Shack and like you wanted to eat like London food and Brian's like, no, we'll arguing over going over to like a Shake Shack and like you wanted to eat like London food.

And Brian's like, no, we'll just go there. We're like on the streets of London. Like, what are we just? I'm hungry. Like, Brian, I don't want we get that in America. And then just screaming. We ended up going to Chinatown and having a great meal. Yeah, but that's not the biggest one.

Well, bring it up. It was a baby one. I don't even remember. I mean, I just wanted to drop the word that we're in the back of a taxi cab screaming at each other. Oh, yeah. That was a baby one. I don't even remember. I don't know. I just wanted to drop the word. I don't remember where we're at, but we're in the back of a taxi cab screaming at each other. Oh, yeah. Where was that? I remember where that was. That was New York, New York, after the cameras failed for the surprise guest Gilbert Gottfried

in the sold-out fucking Gramercy Theater. We have no video of that one episode. And I found out what it was, too. We have no video of that one episode. And I found out what it was, too. I don't know if I ever said this on a podcast, but a lot of theaters have cameras set up so that when they record everything that's in the theater, so say if there's a fire or somebody gets shot,

they have cameras of it. And so when I hit record on it, it started recording, and then they must have been like, with the remote control, hit record on their cameras, and it made my camera turn off because they have the same Sony cameras. Because when I was there, I checked, and they did have Sony cameras.

And so it's... It is wild. All the memories, all the chaos. You'd be shocked at how little we fight for being technically a band. Most bands break up very quickly and efficiently and easily. Maybe between you and Bernard,

the hotel employee in Milwaukee might have been a bit... Oh, that piece of shit. That fucking piece of shit. Bernard in Milwaukee from the hotel. If you're watching this, go fuck yourself. That was the worst night ever. Worst show. Worst everything.

No, the show was fine. The show was great. That was Milwaukee. night ever. Worst show, worst everything. No, the show was fine. No, wait. The show was great. That was Milwaukee. But the show was great. But leading up to the show sucked. We sold all the tickets that day. And the guy at the hotel was an asshole.

What was the thing? He told me to park the car. I went and parked the car in the rain. And I go, oh, yeah, that's right. I said, just to let you know, we parked in like a little side spot there because it's pouring down rain. Your entire parking lot is filled and we're staying here for two nights. We didn't want you to tell us. We're just letting you know.

And he goes, okay, well, just write that down for me. And I go, why don't you write it down? And he goes, what do you think I am, your assistant? I go, no, I think you're the guy that works at the fucking hotel front desk. And we just kept going back and forth. I think Tony pointed at his head and goes, you're a loser. Oh, jeez. All right. All right, you can edit all this.

We're streaming live? Oh, shit. We don't edit. You guys want to play another song? Let's take another question from a fan here. Because he was a loser. And he is a loser. I found out after that, by the way, I went for the Yelp for that place. This is no joke. And by the way, there was also a comedian that told me,

was it called the Blah Blah Blah Hotel? And I go, yeah. They go, I had a problem with that fucking guy. And if you go on the Yelp, I can't remember the name of that hotel, but if you go to the Yelp, there's all these complaints about one asshole that's worked there for years that fucking is an asshole to everybody.

When was the first time Kill Tony did a roadshow and where? Well, that's not even a question for the cast. That's just a question for Google. I mean, that's pretty easy. These people are morons out here. The first roadshow would probably have been Toronto or La Jolla.

Yeah. Or maybe Ohio. No. Yeah, no. I don't know. That's an easy one. Had to be in the first 30 episodes. For some reason, my gut tells me Toronto.

It might have been Ice House. No, it wasn't the Ice House. We didn't get... Yeah, we didn't do that for a while. But yeah, Toronto, I think. Either Toronto or La Jolla. At Enterprise, we know you're constantly on the move. Getting this. Thanks, mom. Fixing that. You reach a destination. And then it's on to the next. And when life is moving at the speed of, well, life, Enterprise is right there with you, around the corner and around the globe.

We'll keep you moving forward. Enterprise. For lives and drive. In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping. Robo code searching! It takes skill! Speed!

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Okay, well, that's good. That's a question for William Montgomery. So I'll tell you what. Why don't we do something fun here and bring up a regular, everybody? Yep. And you know him as a very controversial character. People say they love him. People say they absolutely despise him. You never know what you're going to get. And watch the chord when you come up here. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise or really, I guess a couple people in the

room can maybe clap. Make some noise for William Montgomery, everybody. Here he is. Here he is. Watch the chord, William. There you go. Here he is, everybody. William Montgomery. Let's give it up for Jimmy Buffett, Turks and Caicos.

Jimmy Buffett, Turks and Caicos. Whatever happened to Cotton Eye Joe, Turks and Caicos? I'm waiting for the laughter to subside after that one. We're going to love this next one. What did Rick Marinas tell his wife after he joined ISIS? Honey, I blew up the kids. They just released a new bungee jumping video game on VHS? It's super hard. Is it just me or is Major League Baseball way more exciting when cheating is involved?

Is it just me or is marriage way more exciting when cheating is involved? William Montgomery, everybody. You did it again. Hell yeah. And in the end, it doesn't even matter.

I am sick as shit. You just wiped your face after wiping. I am sick as shit. I have a fever. William. You just wiped your face after wiping. I am sick as shit. You're sick? You just wiped your face. I have a fever. William, you just wiped your face with the same cloth you cleaned the microphone with. Do the math on that one. I'm sick.

How long have you been sick for? Two days. What are your symptoms? I've been in quarantine in a cavern system in middle Tennessee for two days now. My symptoms are coughing a lot. I have something called pink foot. Brian's putting on his sleep apnea machine for this. I have something called pink foot.

It's a lot like pink eye, but my foot just itches a bunch. Let's check in with the great Jeremiah Watkins. itches a bunch. Let's check in with the great Jeremiah Watkins. Can I just say, so we, William and Joel did, we all did a show together, Huntington Beach Rec Room on Saturday. Oh yeah, how'd that go? It was actually great. There was like a good turnout.

There was like 80-something people there. It was too many blacks. Okay, William. Way too many blacks. I don't trust them. I'm from the Dominican Republic. Your best friend is David Lucas. You guys are brothers in cursive. Okay, let's go back to Jeremiah.

Don't cut off Jeremiah, William. So the show's going great. William goes up there. The first thing he does is he is riffing on the previous guy who brought him up, C.J. Landry, and it's going well, and the next thing out of William's mouth is he goes,

I'm going to be real with y'all. I'm feeling very feverish right now. I infected. Shut up, William. It gets absolutely nothing from the crowd. And I was dying in the back. Yeah. It was so perfect because the crowd literally looked around like,

are we at risk right now? Because William just sold it. They didn't know him yet. No one laughed. He's got good acting chops. I followed it up with, I've been going to a bunch of gay bars recently. I'm looking for my dad

and some bitch in the audience said something and I said, what are you, a faggot? Wow. There you go. A little bit of... Yeah, I taped the shows and William didn't ask me for the tape afterwards? Wow. There you go. A little bit of... Yeah, I taped the shows, and William didn't ask me for the tape afterwards. Wow.

What do you mean? I need it. I need it, Jeremiah. Okay, William. Sure. I'll Dropbox it to you right away. I need it. Okay.

I'm sick. Yeah, I know. Wow. I can't feel my sick. Yeah, I know. Wow. I can't feel my feet. Yeah, you have pink foot. Okay. So here's a question. We actually have a question for you, William, from a fan.

They want to know, does William wear underwear? And if so, when was the last time they were washed? So answer that question for the fans. I'm actually sponsored by Joe Boxers. I get a bunch of money every month from Joe Boxers. It's funny that you've never mentioned the sponsorship before on the main show that you did. I thought tonight I would finally say it.

I'm sponsored by Joe Boxer. They give me $5,000 a month. I'm currently living in a rented-out house in Malibu. I don't know how to turn the alarm off. I'm constantly walking in the front door. The alarm starts going off. There you go. All right.

Very good. So what else has been going on in life? What are you doing in your real life since this coronavirus thing has happened? We know you're not quarantined in a cavern. Are you still working in the storage unit, William? I am still working there. Like right now after with everything that's going on? I work there today, I hope.

None of my superiors see this. I'm thinking Thursday I'm going to pretend being sick so I can have it a week off. You can just say you just don't feel comfortable working. And I think that's a legit thing to say to somebody. Someone today literally at the storage unit place, he argued with me over how much he owed. And then he told me he was just at the doctor because he had a fever last night.

And the doctor said he didn't have a fever it scared me oh there's no joke to that it scared me i might have covid right now it's weird i have a cousin taylor covid he's in the turks and caicos he is a a black person he's a big fan of jimmy buffett oh very good. I know they closed all the gyms. When your parents flew out here to get your gym membership, did you get to go to the gym at all? I was able to pump some iron,

and by that I mean sit out in my vehicle and look up videos of engineering feats. Another question for you, William. This one came in from my actual, the only person to ever get a standing ovation for a set on their way to the stage and

after their set, my mother, Mrs. Hinchcliffe, sent in a question. Sent in a few questions, actually. And one of them was for William Montgomery. My mom wanted to know, did you go to a real doctor or Dr. Seuss? She actually wrote that. She's unbelievable.

Well, I didn't know. I went into the doctor with a messed up arm, and then the doctor said, I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. Your arm looks broken. Gonna need a stint. Well, that was a good one. Hey, there it is.

I'm kidding. No, I went to a real doctor, though. There you go. William, did you choke while you said that? Did you hear that? I'm sick right now. Dude, did you choke while you said that? Did you hear that? I'm sick right now. Dude, that choke killed me. I'm sick.

If there was an audience in here, I would have had to pause for two minutes. Yeah. For the laughter on that one. That's true. Can you wink at a few of them, William? The people that are in here? Yeah. Wink for the listeners.

Is this the best camera that we have up on William? Hey, David, fucking fix it, you bitch. It's great. We'll zoom in and post or something. David, I'm kidding. Whoa, what was that? All right. Is that from The Purge?

That's so great. This is the weirdest fucking episode ever. I love it. Oh, you think so? You think the episode with no audience is the weirdest one, Joel? Wow. What a hot take. Creative genius. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Just let it run, bitch.

Who is that? Is that David Deary? Come on, faggot. I'm kidding. That's a joke thing I'm working on. I'm not actually homosexual, but I found if you say faggot during a set, there's a chance people will laugh. That is true.

What's the most homosexual thing you've ever done in your life, William? I kissed a guy. Yeah? When did that happen? Two weeks ago. I was in a hot tub. I started making out. He touched my penis.

I touched his. And then what happened? He said penis. I had to. Yeah, peanuts. I touched his penis. then what happened? He said penis. I had to... Keep going. Keep going, William. And then what happened? I had to fly to the Turks and Caicos the next day. I was jet lagged to say the...

Okay. Michael Lehrer has something to say about it. William's dad pumped his sperm into two eggs and ham. There you go. Can I read you all a poem by Shel Silverstein I love? You have that. God damn it.

My phone's over there. You have that all queued up. It's OK. Maybe we can do it later. Why don't you sit down and join us on the edge of the stage there. Yeah, just sit in front of Joel's drum set over there. So I notice that you're drinking a 7-Up that's absolutely not 7-Up.

It is absolute and 7-Up. Put the mic back. Put the mic back in the mic. Stand there and grab a seat. Just sit on that ledge right in front of Joel's drums over there. You're going to be right in the frame. It's going to be beautiful.

There you go. How about another hand? Look how cute you go. How about another hand? Look at that. Look how cute he is. How about another hand for William Montgomery? One, two, three, four. Good question from the fans. Cosby, Louie, Schumer.

Fuck, marry, kill. Wow, that's easy. Absolutely. I would, well, yeah, I don't know how easy this is, actually. Actually, no, yeah, I might yeah. Well, I mean, it's pretty hard. You would think the fuck one would be easy here since there's one that is a

rich woman. I'd fuck Cosby, dude. Give him a taste of his own medicine, dude. I think so, right? Well, actually, his own medicine is, I believe, horse tranquilizer. Fuck, marry, kill. Red Band, what do you got on this? I would definitely fuck Schumer and marry Louis and kill Cosby.

Hmm. Yeah. Because Cosby's about to die anyway. That's why you would want to marry Cosby. You marry him, get all that extra money that he's got. I want to marry Louis. I bet he would be a good partner. Well, there you go.

There you go. How about you guys? Do you have a hot take on this? Fuck, marry, kill? Anything like that? I want to know Jeremiah's too. Jesse, you're a woman. I want a woman's perspective on this. Were you saying you would marry Cosby because he's in jail, right?

No, I would marry Louis. Well, no, you would... And kill Cosby. Oh, yeah. And fuck that dirty pussy. There you go, Brian. Very good. And I said you would marry Cosby because he's about to die,

so maybe there's a bunch of money to be made there. Marry Louis, I think, is the no-brainer here. Best personality. I'd marry Amy just because the whole masturbation thing. Mary Louie I think is the no brainer here best personality I'd marry Amy just cause the whole masturbation thing what's the masturbation thing with Louie oh you don't like that that doesn't turn you on even a little

what if you like fell in love you don't think that would be hot if like he just masturbated for you I don't think he'd like it if I liked it whoa Jesse Jesse Jesse that Jesse, Jesse. That's a really good point. I got a text from one of

our cousins of the show, the great Trey. We all know and love Trey. He comes with us on the road a lot, and he reminded me that Ari and Sam are also two of the greatest guests in the show history. Also, Big J. Oakerson, Shane Gillis.

Really, basically, like I said, anyone who's on this show more than once lands immediately into best guest territory. The Gramercy show with Shane and Big Jay was one of my favorite times ever. Good Lord, that was crazy. Nobody saw that coming either. Kept them top secret.

Gilbert Gottfried we had on one of those episodes Mark Normand on one of those episodes always incredible over at the Gramercy. William you okay? What's wrong William? I heard we have to answer a riddle from him before we leave the stage tonight. Y'all did the go ahead. Y'all did the

go ahead William it's okay. It's pretty funny. If there were an audience, they'd laugh. Yeah, the camera is so incredibly far away that nobody can see what's up. I would have sex with the lady who wore all red. Her last name was a city in California. Carmen Sandiego.

Oh, you did? There he goes. William Montgomery, everybody. What an exciting time oh also Holtzman someone that always sits in the front row the great Joy Eileen just texted me

Brian Holtzman absolutely instant legend Brian just told me a story that after the Holtzman show where I battled Isaiah from Black Flag I did the backflip off the table after the show was over Holtzman came up to Brian and he said did you see that guy do the backflip off the table. After the show was over, Holtzman came up to Brian and he said, did you see that guy do a backflip? Anyway,

obviously he saw it because he was there and Holtzman's a... There you go. I love you, Brian, and also Brian. Speaking of best guests ever, there's only been three in the show's history that have ever done one minute on this show.

One of those being the great Dom Irera. I figured we could all sit here like professionals and watch that minute. The first ever minute by a guest in the history of Kill Tony was from Dom Irera. You can roll number two for me there, Chris. And this is it. This is what it looked like. It happened super organically following a set. That's a, that's a, oh, yeah.

Oh, yes. Wait, hold on. Oh, no, I'm sorry. That's number three. Yep, number three. Very good. Thank you, Chris. Happened organically following a set after the great Sarah Weinshank out out of nowhere, in the belly room, I do believe.

Yep, in the belly room. Can we do it again? Do you want to do a minute? Yeah, here's my intro. Okay, here's Dom Irera. Wait, no, wait. It's a guy who's been auditioning here since the economy's still open. He's very close to passing.

He's a splendid club. Raise it. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian of the night has been performing here, auditioning here, since the club opened in 1972. He's very close to being passed. Put your hands together for Razor. Razor! What's up with turtles? Oh, sorry forget it, then you pull it two blocks later and you have to walk back. Don't you hate that?

Anyway, you know, it's amazing because I was at my cousin's christening, and I was really killing, and my aunt said that I should be a comedian, and that's why I'm here. I thank you for staying. I appreciate you all looking at me. Isn't it amazing how people play off Mount Everest when it's already been done? I'm saying, what the fuck? Thank you. Razor! There you go. That was it.

That's what it looked like. The first ever time that a comedian did a minute on Kill Tony. The first ever time that a comedian did a minute on Kill Tony. The first ever time that a guest did a minute. Watch that chord there, William. William's back. Did you get your phone? Did you? I have been watching a movie about a car that when he talks,

he uses his headlights. It's called Herbie the Love Buck. Okie dokie. There he is. Hey, I wanted to ask you something, William. I noticed that you post a lot of videos of you watching old TV shows late at night. Do you have cable or are you one of those guys that have the antennas that watch like weird, you know, TJ Hooker? Antenna.

Yes, I thought. Absolutely. Absolutely. Let's take another question from a fan. How are you guys doing over there? How's the band doing? Jeremiah, you good? All right.

Let's take another question from the fans. Here we go. Ooh. This is a good one. I like this one. This is a question for Jeremiah or Jesse or both. Any good marching band stories? That's a good question.

You guys are both in marching bands, according to this fan. I didn't even know that. Is that true? Nerds. You guys are both in marching bands? Red Band thinks it's nerdy that you guys marched or moved in any direction whatsoever i not only marched red band i was the drum major my senior look at that he doesn't know anything about majors brian likes minors nothing wrong with that okay go ahead jesse give us a good marching band story

american pie style what's american well one time i shoved my trumpet up my pussy Okay, go ahead, Jessie. Give us a good marching band story. American Pie style. What's American Pie? Well, one time I shoved my trumpet up my pussy. Is that true? No. That's what I was like. Ooga! And when I pushed it out, it went.

That sounds like a trombone to me. That's the story everybody always wants. Anything good from a marching band though? Anything crazy ever happen? Not really. In high school I was seeing this guy who was in my section and I gave him a hand job on the bus.

Whoa. Look at that. I think you just took Jeremiah's story from him. Hello. Same guy. Oh. Look at that. Did he, did he finish? Did you finish

until completion? No, I was really bad at it. Wow. Really? Can you get, what do you think was so bad?

Can you give an example of like what that hand job was like? Just a lot of mashing. Mashing? Squeezing. Mashing. Like it was,

was it a flat handed hand job? A lot of fingernails. Oh, no. All right, how about you, Jeremiah? You have one? I was not a marching band, but I played in a grade school band,

and also I played in the band in my church. Oh, yeah, give us a church band story. We know those are the good ones. I went to a Catholic school. I know what goes on over there. I don't remember too many wild things necessarily. Because they were just like old hymnals and stuff that we were playing. I remember a lot of those creepy fucking.

Do you? Oh, my God. Well, they kind of get stuck in your head. Oh, yeah. That's the whole point. They're like, you know what? Oh, wait. William probably knows a lot. those creepy fucking... Do you? Oh, my God. Well, they kind of get stuck in your head. Oh, yeah. That's the whole point. They're like... You know what? Oh, wait.

William probably knows a lot. He's religious. Sing us a church hymn that you remember. They used to make us sing them. Even the non-Catholics at my school, they would force... Church and Caicos. Go ahead, William.

Sing the song. Lord, I lift your name on high. Lord, I love to sing your praises. You know this? Sing it with them. Lord, I lift your name on high. Who's messing that up? Lord, I'm so glad you came to save us.

Amen. Jesus is my God. I'm standing here tonight to worship you. I think I am sick with the virus, God. Please help me tonight. All right, all right, all right. That's enough. Wow.

Unbelievable. We just got word that you sang so well to Jesus that the rain has stopped and coronavirus has ended. There's an audience. Let the audience in, everybody. It turns out Jesus exists. We are finding out live here on Kill Tony that Jesus is real

and he is responding to those prayer songs. Incredible. There you go. There's your one fart for the episode brought to you by Death Squad Productions. Can I just ask Brian the logic behind that one?

Was that supposed to be Jesus farting? That's Jesus farting. There you go. Jesus absolutely farted. There might be an eight-year-old listening to this episode that is cracking up right now. What's hilarious is that Jesus farted a lot, I bet. He probably had a lot of farts. Heck yeah, after that last supper.

Come on, all that bread and wine. Are you kidding me? How do you think he walked on water? It was like a jet ski. Look at that. He just blasted off that cross, dude. That's how he got his name. He farted one time. Someone was like, Jesus Christ. Hey, that'll stick.

I just get an applause break in an empty room? You need to start doing fart jokes. Oh my God. That's like a Brian Regan joke. That was great. That's incredible. It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything.

So, no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Goal tenders, no. But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those, too. This episode is brought to you by Starbucks. Welcome back winter with a Starbucks drink in hand. Whether you've been waiting for a pistachio latte and pistachio cream cold brew, or in the mood to shake things up with the new iced hazelnut oh shaken espresso. Need to cozy up with a tea latte? There should be nothing stopping you from achieving all your goals. You've got this.

Okay, let's keep this fun train moving along. Speaking of applause breaks and good jokes, we have another regular here, ladies and gentlemen. Believe it or not, these guys are willing to come up here and fucking dish it out because these are goddamn warriors. The great Michael Lair could not make it here tonight, but he's made it to every road episode. This guy made it to two shows in Ventura, two shows in La Jolla. Michael Lair's got the night off tonight.

He's just texting in. But, however, there is one other regular, and you know him, you love him. Unbelievable writer, unbelievable roaster. Make some goddamn noise for You love him. Unbelievable writer. Unbelievable roaster. Make some goddamn noise for the great David Lucas, everyone. Here he is. Watch that chord, David. Be careful up there. Hell yeah.

Hey, Brian, turn the one minute off. I'm going to do something a little different. Oh, shit. If Chroma Chris can help me out. I got you, dog. Yeah, we got something special for y'all during this quarantine. Whoa. Well, she said it's cold outside and she hands me my raincoat

She's always worried about things like that Well, she said it's all gonna end And it might as well be my fault And she only sleeps when it's raining And she screams And her voice is straining She says, baby It's 3 a.m., I must be lonely And she says, baby

Well, I can't help but scared of that Oh, sometimes But the rain's gonna wash away I believe it Well she's got a little bit of something I got is better than nothing In the color portrait world she believes that she's all got it all She swears the moon don't hang quite as high as it used to And she only sleeps when it's raining And she screams and when it's raining. And she screams.

And her voice is straining. She says, baby, it's 3 a.m. I must be lonely. Well, heaven, she says, baby, oh, yeah. Well, I can't step in it at all sometimes. But the rain's going to wash it away, I believe, yeah. Well, I can't step in it at all sometimes. But the rain's gonna wash it away, I believe, yes. Wow. Fucking beautiful.

Hell, yeah. Red Band and I were checking out the stream comments during that. People saying that this is cure for depression. More of this every week. This is exactly what we needed. Exactly what we wanted. Incredible. That's from Michael Lair.

He has two comments. This is from Michael Lair. Shouldn't David be guarding Sandra Bullock's blind side? And he said your comedy special is going to be called 10 pounds of shit in a five pound bag. Oh, God. Why am I getting fucking roasted by Professor X? William has something he wants to say. It's called a substitute teacher, X.

It's called a drive-by. Your brother in cursive, William Montgomery. This is a roast joke from my father, Larry. He says, David Lucas may never roast you, but if he does, say, I see a lot of Denzel Washington in you. No, seriously. Did you swallow Denzel Washington?

Hey, Mr. Larry, you look like Freddy Krueger's daddy. Oh, shit. For anybody who's seen him. Oh, shit. We actually had another one of the great guests of the show's history ask a question.

This is for you, David Lucas. It is from Donnell Rawlings. Oh, shit. And he said, you okay? Hey, Donnell. When they first saw the coronavirus, they looked under the microscope and they seen your ashy ass. Shut the fuck up, boy. Looking like you got bit by a bat, nigga.

Shut your black ass up, boy. Oh, wow. It's weird, Rosa. Michael Laird just wrote, tell David to wear his hoodie so a racist murders him. Wow. Jesus. There you go. Jesus Christ.

Wait, Donnell actually sent in a. He's just mad because when his leg itch, he can't feel it. Donnell actually sent in a response here. Hold on a second. Let's see what he had to say. This is... There you go. There you go.

It's all happening here. This is from Donnell Rawlings. There you go. That's it. You can cut it there. There you go. That's it. You can cut it there. There you go. That's it. Can I roast his picture?

If you want to. You have a bunch of pent up Donnell jokes that you didn't get out? Nah, it's different when like somebody Yeah, you might as well save it. Yeah, fuck it.

You might as well save it. He made a whole podcast about me. I feel special. He gave me like 3,000 new fans though. Of course. Hell yeah. Yeah, Donnell's the fucking man

and again. And get that squeaky ass Ben's truck fixed, nigga. He's got a squeaky truck? Hell yeah. He got a Ben's the fucking man. And again. And get that squeaky ass Benz truck fixed, nigga. He's got a squeaky truck? Hell yeah. He got a Benz truck and a brake squeak. My goodness gracious. So let's talk about this coronavirus and how it's affecting you.

I know that the gym closing isn't affecting you at all. How's it going going to the grocery store right now? Amazon Fresh. Oh, you're Amazon. What are you talking about? They don't have you're Amazon. What are you talking about? They don't have any delivery dates. What are you talking about? Yes, they do, bro.

I just got delivery today. I've been trying every single day. I got one from, because you live in Burbank. That's probably why. Yeah. Studio City, baby. We're a little better. Michael Laird just wrote, God's killing me.

Honey bun's killing you. Okay. You don't have to. Let me read the text there, Brian. Goddamn. Speedy really bad. No, it's okay. Speedy really bad out there. So how's the coronavirus changed your life? It hasn't. It hasn't at all?

What have you been doing? Shit. Same shit. What do you mean? What's the same shit? I got on stage Saturday. Oh yeah, you came later though. Me and Red Band killed Ha Ha. I mean, yeah, that's pretty much it, man. I'm flying out to New York Wednesday. You're really going to the Big Apple?

We fucking with Luis J. Gomez. His shows ain't canceled. It's going to be. I know. We're going to do the podcast, though. Nice. We're going to have some fun. You're going all the way to New York to do a...

David, Jesus fucking Christ. That's the cord that you're the producer. You literally put that cord there, and you just tripped on it. Why are you going to go there just for a podcast? You might get stuck there. I got some other shit going on there, too. I don't really talk about big plans until they fold out. That's how I go.

My goodness gracious. My mom actually asked a question for you as well. Absolutely. Hey, William, stop that shit, nigga. What's he doing? Is he touching you? What do you think, you're in a hot tub right now? My mom asked a serious question.

She wants to know, what do you eat? We know you're a pescatarian. What else do you like to eat when you're not eating fish? We talked last week about how good your salmon was. It is incredible. Shit, ever since I got on Kill Tony, I've been on a health kick lately. Really? Yeah, I'm probably like 21 pounds lighter

from when I first started. Is that true? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like 388. I'm like 363 now. You're just roasting off the calories. I love it. Yeah, bro, you know what I'm saying?

So I intermittent fast. The first thing that I eat or drink, however you look at it, the first thing that I drink around one is juices. I do beet juice. I'm about to hit this nigga with this thing. This shit weird.

Is that true? Do that nigga look like he taught me about any kind of juice unless... David, square up to the camera here. That motherfucker taught me about orange juice and vodka. David, you went from Air Jordans to Air Fryers? Nah, nigga.

Air Fryers. They're healthier. You make wings and stuff healthier. I don't eat fish. So yeah, the first meal I normally eat is something blended, like beet juice, celery juice mixed with some almond butter and shit. And that's my first meal. Then I eat something after I get from the gym. Like today I had

salmon and bell peppers and a piece of pita bread and some hummus. Wow. Look at you. Just one piece of pita bread? Yeah, nigga. Why do you have to call me the N-word at the end of that? Because you're my nigga. Because you know that you had one

more... No, I only had one slice. You had one slice of bread? One sheet. However you look at it. It's the sheets. My goodness. Not the pita bread. The little... You know the sheets? Lavash. Yeah, that stuff. Yeah, yeah. One sheet.

Wow. One sheet. like a bed sheet. Yep. My goodness gracious, David. So you're going to New York City. Oh, God. Michael's still going? Yeah, he's sending him in. We really got a rose.

He really think this is... He said, God's killing him, but honey buns are killing you. We heard that. What's the next one? I say Entenmann's, but I don't want to go too highbrow for David. That's what you've been eating. And he said your whole life you've been going intermittently fast.

I don't know. It's getting there, Michael. I heard you're going to New York because you have a date with a little white woman at the top of the Empire State Building. That's funny, bro. What else are you going to do? Is there anything you're going to do for fun?

Well, my meetings have been canceled. I didn't really do shit for fun, man. I'm all about business. And furthering my career, fun happened later. That's right. So I'm really just going to do a whole bunch of podcasts, meet with some people, and then bring my ass back. Hopefully I don't get stuck over there if they quarantine me or cancel flights.

I agree. I got a question. You eat pretty healthy. What's your fucking bad shit that you like to eat? Yeah, when you like to guilt eat, your face that way. Like today I ate two pizzas, two slices, not two whole pizzas. Oh, truth comes out. I would say the bad thing that I like to eat would probably be fried fish.

Because if I'm going to go bad, I'm going to go all the way bad. So I'm not going to do air frying. Can I tell everyone out, all 30,000 people watching from the Turks and Caicos with their swimming pants on. David, I want to tell everyone tonight, when you invited me over to your apartment, I made out with your baby mama. I didn't care. I took my swim trunks off. She saw my penis. It was inverted

into my tummy. I had webbed feet. I had tevas. I had goggles. I had swim caps. I had you name it. I had it. She was talking to me. David, my only point

to you is right now when you go to New York and you're hollering at young ladies, just remember me hollering at your young lady. Wow, look at that. Hey, Will, you one guy, I wouldn't mind my baby mama fucking. Because I ain't got shit to lose. Do you believe that? Hell yeah, I know she's still coming back. David, what are the chances of you and I having sex with some girl we meet off the streets

just both raw dogging her with reckless abandon? I'm drinking my 7-Up and vodka, not giving a fuck, just slapping her around. You say, William, you have to stop. You're going to kill her. And I keep hitting her in the face. David, I just hope that happens. She would have to be black.

That's the only girl... I can't do a threesome with a white girl because they might holler rape. William, have you ever had sex with a black girl before? I'm trying to give this black girl a fucking, but she saw his picture. That's all it takes. No, but seriously, what do y'all think? Could I pull it off?

I have a very average-sized penis. I have webbed feet. I have to wear earplugs. Do you really have webbed feet? You've said it like 30 times to the point where I want to wear earplugs Do you really have webbed feet? You said it like 30 times To the point where I want to see those feet I've asked before and I've actually seen them on the show He was wearing

He has a knack for wearing crocs And I asked to see his webbed feet He pulled it out and I pretended like they were webbed But they were very very But y'all just However they did look like hobbits feet like they were very hairy and unkempt but would y'all watch that movie just David and I

just remixing the Herbie the love bug movie and David and I maybe if you grow some eyebrows what the fuck do you mean Red Van you know exactly what I mean I've had my best fucking sex not with those eyebrows.

I've gotten you sick tonight, bitch. I just saw the spit fly on my nose. I'm sick tonight, Red Band. William, sit back down. David's fucking brave grabbing that after. What are you, the fun police over here?

Back to you in the studio. You have another antibacterial wipe? Right. David's shirt. This is from Michael Lair. David's shirt says champion. That's true. David's shirt says champion.

He deserves an award for getting it over his shoulders. There you go. Absolutely. He says that you put the meat in meetings. I agree with that. Michael. What's going on? Just watch that cord, guys. Is everything okay? William, what's going on?

What's the problem? I think William pushed David right now. Two weeks ago, I had sex with David's cousin in the Philippines. Okay, William. Alright, there goes William. I just sanitized the mic. David, why don't you grab a seat next to

William. And just take that mic stand and the microphone with you and just sit down there next to William. Watch that cord right there. There you go. There you go.

Hey, motherfucker, what are you doing? William, stop. William, stop horse playing around. Stop horsing. Oh, he's winking at us. Oh, the winks. Whoa. He's all amped up over here.

Lord, I lift your name on high. Lord, I lift your name on high. Lord, I love to sing your praises. William, give the microphone to David. He'll use it responsibly. Reckless over there. William thinks he had a ding-dong show right now. Oh, wow.

This is another question from a fan. This is actually for William. You could answer it pretty quickly and easily. William, are you having a boy or a girl? I am having an abortion. Oh, wow. I had sex with a Filipino girl three years ago. No, we heard that already.

Hand it back to David. Okay, this is another question. Okay, there you go. Okay, yeah, we don't... Yeah, there you to David. Okay, this is another question. Okay, there you go. Okay, yeah, there you go. Another question. This is for everybody. Ass or tits? I like both, but I'm going to pick ass on this one.

Red band? Ass, yeah. I'm going to go ass. Oh, wow. We're all ass so far. Jeremiah, I believe you're an ass man. I like boobs. Whoa, look at that.

My goodness. He answered that like he's still at Christian band camp. I like mammaries. How about Jesse? Big penis. Yeah, look at that. Absolutely. Chroma?

Obviously ass. Yep, definitely. David? Titties if it's a one night stand. But long term you need an ass. Yep, definitely. David? Titties if it's a one night stand. But long term you need an ass? Yep. How about William? I am a fan of that milk that is not too high in fat.

I think it's called skim milk. I met some Filipino bitch. Okay, there you go. Back to David. Janice, ass or tits? Well, that's a tough one. She has both. Yeah, you lucky son of a bitch. Okay, this one's more on the show.

Let's go to Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Favorite Mexican drum off of all time. First one that pops in your head. Probably, oh man. Damn, this is a hard one against Isaiah from Black Flag that was really awesome

Australia when I did the backflip in Australia was pretty yeah that was crazy and this is incredible the bucket of destiny has fed us two drum off questions in a row Joel have you ever felt like you lost a Mexican drum off before every a row. Joel, have you ever felt like you lost a Mexican drum off before? Every time, dude.

I'm just kidding. No, I, yeah, for sure. A couple of times there are people who are technically really gifted. I'm not like the most technically gifted drummer, but I think that I am seriously willing to die. So I think that in the grand scheme of things, no. But if we're talking case by case, yeah, there could be a case made that some people are technically better than me,

but they're not better than me in the grand scheme of things. So you're saying some people drum better than you, but you come in with a comedic edge and dominate over the top. Yeah, I bring the whole show. They might be better technically, but they can't fuck with me as far as what I bring to the stage. I agree. I agree with that 100%. One of the questions that I'm going to ignore is who's the funniest in the whole group? Shout out to the trolls.

All of us. Yes, absolutely. I agree 100%. Everyone is the funniest. I was going to say Chroma Chris. Everybody plays their role absolutely perfectly. This is a really interesting one. I've wondered when this question would be asked on the show

and why not for this special coronavirus episode with so many just diehard fans watching. Where did singing Jumper to the band's music come from? Now, this is actually a pretty complex answer for me, because sometimes, as you'll notice, even though I don't do it every episode like I did for a long time now, I will sometimes sing Jumper because it's a two-pronged answer here. One is that it used to somewhat bother Jeremiah that I would sing the wrong song to whatever song they were playing. I understand because the tempo, you know, it fucks with his tempo because he's trying to play a song

and it goes against the tempo of the song that he's playing. There you go. Yes, Red Band. Yes, that would make sense. Singing a song that's not the song that they're playing would bother them. And so if you look for things, it's actually multifaceted answer. That's in role. So it'll usually happen if Jeremiah does something to purposefully annoy me. It'll usually happen after that.

Or sometimes I'll do it after somebody has a horrible set, in my opinion. That's usually what sets it off, because I'm sort of saying, like, you know, you should think about killing yourself. And also in a weird way, I always think it's

an interesting, in my own little brain, I think it's an interesting, funny way to pay homage to the late great stephen brody stevens who committed suicide because i believe that song in some ways about suicide awareness or something right so yeah there you go let's check in with william montgomery who i'm guessing is going to tell us i had sex with the filipino girl the first time my parents were on kill tony uh-huh my father and Brody, they hit it off. They were both pitchers.

But I specifically remember that evening I started off my son with, so I'm single, I'm holding out for a black or an oriental. Okay, William, hand it back to David. Hand it back to David. There you go. There's Brody. Jeremiah?

My recollection of how it started is very similar, but it came from multiple times of you just not knowing the lyrics to certain songs in general, so then you would just start singing that instead. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, a little bit of that. Yeah.

Yeah. And then I just thought it was silly. I just thought it was a little, what Red Band would call an Easter egg to sort of hide in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Just to see if people were paying attention. Because I think it became kind of a thing

that I realized with different songs we were playing that you didn't know the words to a decent amount of songs. So then you would start injecting that song in there to replace it. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh,

who can do the most pushups? My bet on this one would be former Marine. Is there, was it a Marine? Where were you? I cannot do pushups anymore. You can't? No,

I'm not very good. But fun fact, Chroma Chris did fight for America. We were United States Marine. Don't get it twisted. David Lucas wears the camouflage, but Chroma Chris. Yeah, we did more pull-ups than push-ups. You want to do some push-ups?

You really want to? Go ahead. William, lay right across this table here. Do you have somewhere? Not the table. This floor right here. Don't trip on any William. Lay right across this table here. Do you have somewhere? Not the table, this floor right here. Don't trip on any cords. Lay, yep, that way. Hey, Tony, I got a question.

Yep. William thinks he can beat me in arm wrestling. Can we get that table? Absolutely. Up next, you guys. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'd rather see that. Yeah, Will, save your energy.

Wait, William, William, William, William. I can't stop. Yes, you can. Save your energy. You think you can beat me at arm wrestling. You guys set up a table here, and let's have a little arm wrestling match. The first ever Kill Tony.

I mean, David Lucas is... Watch that cord. Watch that cord. There you go. David, here. You guys come up here. David, you help set this up. Do we have another question?

Whatever happens, William, don't get so into it that you turn your hat around backwards. Just watch that chord, please. Because that will unlock a William Montgomery that we've never seen before. This is very exciting. The first ever Kill Tony arm wrestling match.

Whoa! He turned the hat backwards. The hat is backwards. I got all the money in the world on David Lucas. Sylvester Stallone style. I got five on David Lucas. Does anybody

have William? You're both going to pass out in two seconds. You know what? I think William might actually surprise us. Whoa. Look at that. Okay. Hold on.

Let's just keep it nice and low. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Joel's going to hold on. And when I say, okay, you guys good? You guys like your position? All right. Ready, set, you guys good? You guys like your position? All right. Ready, set, go.

William totally, William totally tried to cheat there. Okay, okay, okay. No, it's okay. It's not even happening. Williams is trying to cheat to win here. Kill Tony. He's right. David, help us. Janice, you want to see Janice do it? Watch the court.

William, do you think you can beat anybody else on stage? Joel? Joel, I think. Oh, okay. Here we go. No, no. Let's let William. Let's see what happens here with William.

I'm going to pull. All right. All right. All right. Here we go. Here we go. Ready, set, go. Oh, come on, Joel. Oh, Joel conserving energy here.

Whoa. Wow. I'll do it. I'll go up against you, William. Yeah. Wow. I'll do it. I'll go up against you, will you?

One, two, three. Hold on. One, two, three. Hold on. I'm extremely strong. Here, let me try to do it. Whoa! I'm sorry. All the blood let me try to do it. Whoa! I'm sorry. All the blood I have is in my dick.

Red band, red band. Here we go. Red band. Ready, set. What are you afraid of? What did I die? Oh! Ready, set. All right, I want a afraid of? Oh! Ready?

I want a rematch. Oh! That's incredible. Dude, Brian just almost broke William's wrist. Okay, Jeremiah, favorite character you've ever done? Great question from the fans. Broad

and beautiful question. Very hard. I mean, that's another one where I have like, you guys don't worry about that. Let David Deary grab all that stuff. You go sit back down. Oh, William, you can't. William, don't.

He's fucking with you, David. Just sit down, William. William, sit down. Relax. William, sit down and shut up. This isn't Brothers in Cursive. Shut the fuck up. Sit down. I'm going to choke you to sleep, dude. I have...

Well, okay. There's so many at this point that it's very, very difficult to say the favorite one I've ever played. But I have different categories for which reasons why I like certain ones. And the top five for me are Jeff Foxworthy, Nose Rogan, and also when we did Full House with Doug Benson. Those were impression-wise. Those were my favorite ones that are impressions of people.

Kid Rock. Kid Rock. I like Kid Rock. That was in Indiana. Yeah. Anthony Kiedis. Anthony Kiedis. A legend.

Very good. David Deary. Sometimes I like certain ones. One of my favorites is actually Jack the Ripper because that character is so crazy and it makes no sense that a serial killer would be saying his own name over and over. Yeah.

Which I like that a lot. Just like an original... Even though that's based on a real person, I just like that as an original character. And then there's a bunch of original characters. I'm always impressed when we're in a country and you're doing their accent. When we were in Manchester and you did the lawyer with the British accent and actually make it happen and they like it, that shit's crazy.

Or Tibby in Australia was awesome. Yeah, when I did Tibby in Australia was awesome. Yeah. When we, when we did, uh, uh, when I did Tibby in Australia, uh, and I had people coming up to me afterwards that told me that the accent

sounded legit. I was like, that's the best compliment you can give me. That's insane. Any chance of a kill Tony festival fan from, uh, fan question. Yes,

there's of course a chance of a kill Tony festival, probably less of a chance now than ever before. Question for Tony. Favorite part of the whole show? That's a very broad, interesting question, but I would say that that is always evolving. My favorite part of any episode is a part that's different and sort of stands apart and that gives it its own DNA.

Perfect example, a random arm wrestling competition would be the one. William, go ahead. I'm going off of Jeremiah in regards to just accents. Just in bloody old England, probably my best accent is, oh, Ebby,

it's you, it's you, baby. Weirdest, most annoying habits on the road. We've covered this on some roadcast episodes. I don't know if you guys really want to get too much into that. I'm feeling the water bottle. Yeah, it's mostly all Jeremiah on that one. He's got some interesting ones.

Rockstar. Built to be a star, this guy. Built to be a star. A lot of stars are pretty neurotic they have their own things he does make that noise after a sip of a water bottle which he fills up takes with him crushes it down again fills it back up again i mean this is out of school but every time we get to a hotel room jeremy loves to take his socks off and scratch his feet on the carpet you're the best that's a real that's a real one that nobody knows i go like this i do it like a cat like i take i take my socks off and I literally go on the carpet.

I go, oh. Yeah, the carpet we both have to walk on. Oh, God, that is absolutely fucking disgusting. And Tony, you have a theory about this. What do you mean? About the feet thing, why he does that. What do you mean? Because he has a fungus or something.

Yeah, you have itchy feet. You probably have a little touchy- Jeremiah's something I've learned from going on the road. William, did I give you permission to talk right now? Tony, I am so sorry. Okay, now go ahead. You behaved yourself. Go ahead. Jeremiah, what I appreciate,

you're a skinny dude. I'm a fat dude. I eat a bunch. Seems like you eat a bunch. Seems like you have sort of different ideals in regards to what goes in your burrito. You're a picky eater. Wow. You're a picky eater.

I don't like onions and I don't like cilantro on anything. I don't put those in my burrito at all. And onions, right? Onions, yeah. Onions and cilantro. You don't like French onion soup? I don't really like it my burrito at all. And onions. Onions, right? Onions, yeah. Onions and cilantro. You don't like French onion soup? I don't really like it too much. I tried it.

It's all right. I can do onion rings, and I can do sauteed onions. Like peppers and onions? I can do anal. I don't get onions with the peppers. Did you say anal? Anal. You can do anal?

Animal style at In-N-Out. Oh, yeah. I'll get the animal style where it's like the fried onions on the fries. Those don't bother me. Like a steak burrito. Let's say you got steak, cheese, salsa. You like salsa? If it's their

chunky salsa, no go. What about that white sauce? What's up? What about the white sauce? What's that called? Sour cream? Do you get that on there? I like sour cream. If Joel actually lost a Mexican drum off, would you honestly give him the boot? Yes.

Absolutely. And does Joel have the ability to re-challenge? Of course. Of course. That would be one of the first things. That's always the crazy thing. I think we've always waited for you to actually lose. Yeah.

Because I think it's going to be a good day for all of us. I think we'll... Wow. It's going to be glorious good day for all of us. I think it's going to be glorious. We're going to be trending on Twitter worldwide that day. MDO. When that happens, I look at you guys and I'm like, these fucking snakes. I thought they were my friends. Snakes? It's a refillable show. There's always

another episode coming. Look, even in a pandemic, here we are at the oldest comedy club in the world. Fun fact, the Ice House is literally the oldest comedy club in the world. Fun fact, the Ice House is literally the oldest comedy club in the world. While the Comedy Store is the most famous, perhaps the Ice House is the oldest. Joel snores. Whoa, look at this. Really bad. I thought we moved on. No, they're throwing each other under the bus. His grandfather is Hispanic. Okay. Want to travel the world? International Experience Canada provides opportunities for young Canadians to get a work permit in over 35 countries and territories.

Visit Canada.ca slash IEC. A message from the Government of Canada. This episode is brought to you by Peloton. Forget the pressure to be crushing your workout on day one. Just start moving with the Peloton Bike, Bike Plus, Tread, Row, Guide, or App. There are thousands of classes and over 50 Peloton instructors ready to support you from the beginning. Remember, doing something is everything. Rent the Peloton Bike or Bike Plus today at onepeloton.ca slash bike slash rentals.

All access memberships separate membership separate terms apply. William and the microphone and David. I do. I do this thing where when, when Joel and I are in the hotel room where if he drinks a little bit too much, he'll start snoring and which is a lot of the time. Hello.

And then, uh, Oh, you went after me with my feet? I've got secrets on you, too. So I'll do this thing where I go, Hey, Joel. Turn around!

I go, turn over! Joel! Joel! Flip over! And he's like, what? He'll wake up super panicked, and then he'll be like, Please roll over.

And he's like, okay, sorry. There you go. I snore. Jeremiah rubs his dirty feet all over the carpet. I don't know. Obviously, mine is worse. My goodness. My biggest complaint on the road is on the way from the

airport, we got to take the limo, but on the way back, we had to take that dumb SUV. Yeah, I know. That's true. By the way,, we had to take that dumb SUV. Yeah, I know. That's true. By the way, when we went to Swansea, I brought Jesse earplugs because I know that I snore now. But we ended up staying awake until we had

to catch the plane, and Joel just jumped from the dresser onto the bed like a hundred times while Red Band went live. What were you eating? What? Remember when Red Band went live before we went to the airport? I did. Was he eating McDonald's or something?

It was some kind of noodles. Hey, Red Band. Oh. Can I say one thing? Ramen noodles. I got it. Can I say one thing? Yes.

Just, I swear to God, where I met David Lucas, just the Kill Tony in San Francisco. I swear to God, Red Band, when you threw the bucket at me, when you were far too drunk, just going after me, yelling at me. It scared me. I thought you and I were buddies. You think you were scared about that? How do you think I felt? That was Tony's worst night. Tony, I'm going to say this to the 30,000

people watching. Tony, I love you so much, but it was very interesting watching you at that moment. David, right now. David, don't give that back to him. Now you have to ask fucking permission because you're a retard.

There you go. I hit my fucking eye. There you go. Get your eye out. Bunch of questions in here that have nothing to do with the show. My top five favorite bands, Pink Floyd, funniest behind-the-scenes thing about another cast member. We just covered that.

What's William Montgomery's ideal woman or girlfriend? Nope. We already answered that. Filipino. Someone that stabs me with keys. In wrecks her car. Somebody with a drinking problem.

Jeremiah, is your long-term goal still to be on SNL or are you happy being an independent artist? Interesting question at this time. They just suspended production. We're here at Kill Tony. We are doubling down,

giving episodes in front of empty audiences like Vince McMahon, Dana White, so many of my other great... I still would like a Saturday Night Live or an equivalent, which by equivalent, I would be totally fine with having my own sketch show but

that's still something that that is still the dream is to to have a place uh um of like a variety type show where i could take um a bunch of uh characters and put them in different scenes and and kind of in like expand them in a different world setting and stuff like that so uh that's still the dream to a degree for sure. Awesome. Alright, another question from the fans. Fun fact, I texted Dom Irera if he had any questions for the cast

and he didn't answer me back. Not a good sign in this coronavirus time that the legendary Dom Irera didn't text me back. Hopefully he's okay. Any conspiracy theories that the cast of Kill Tony believes in? Any ones that we do

believe in? I think Kennedy was shot by two people. Absolutely. Well, that everyone thinks. Limes or baby lemons? That's not true. How about Chroma and Jesse? We've covered that on Brothers in Curse. Let's check in with these guys.

Any conspiracy theories you guys do believe in? Flat Earth, perhaps? No, no, no. The Kennedy one is definitely on my top list. I think there was definitely someone there. Give us another good one. You said you have a list. The government created crack.

I do think there was knowledge behind 9-11. I'm not saying they were behind it, but I think there was knowledge that they didn't do anything to help it. Oh, there definitely was. They were definitely warned that planes are going to be used as weapons. Absolutely. I mean, that's a fact. Okay, let's check in with William Montgomery.

Conspiracy theories that you believe in. This is a text from my father. He's watching this. He said, now is probably a good time to shut the fuck up. Love, Papa. He's absolutely right.

You have the best parents, by the way. You really do. Indeed. And let's give us all a chance to shut the fuck up and let's why don't we all enjoy together the second ever comedian uh to perform on um on uh kill tony's history and you could turn down the house lights a little bit so the people watching at home uh can see it more clearly this was the great ron

white insisting that he try to do a minute because comedians were bombing continuously out of the bucket. Mr. Tater Salad himself, one of the greatest comedians of the world, the great Ron White, live on Kill Tony. Go ahead with that. To be true, one, anything has the potential to become a DUI

checkpoint if you crash your car into it. Brilliant. And you can't unfuck the babysitter. Don't drink and drive. That's what they say. They also say friends don't let friends drive drunk.

Well, which one is it? Somebody's gotta drive. I was looking at a party the other day and this buddy of mine goes, Hey, Ron, can you drive? I was like, I can drive. I can't get pulled over. Now I won't drive drunk, but I will ride with somebody that can't blow a.08, and I know it. Because.08's not drunk..08 is a revenue stream for the federal fucking government. Put.08 in the fucking car. This is drunk. That guy can't drive in a fucking car.

Now I'm not saying I've never driven a truck, but without driving so much in my life, now on the back of my driver's license there's a list car and I had two drinks. That didn't make them. I don't know how strong they were. The taste was wrong. Whiskey and ice cream. And in front of me I see a surprising checkpoint. I'm like, fuck. I get out there and I go,

that's the last time I'll have alcohol on this friend. I said, I haven't been there since 1977. He told me he likes guys from the Congress, that's my last guy friend, he doesn't know what to do about it. He said, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer. And I said, I'm not going to do it. And I'll tell you why.

Because if that piece of shit is calibrated wrong, I can be convicted of doing something I didn't do. And he said, then I need you to do a fetal sobriety test. And I'm like, just tell me what you want me to do. Because I want you to stand on one foot, raise the other foot, bullshit, fuck that. I'm not doing that either. I'm not. I'll tell you why.

That's not a sobriety test, that's an agility test, and I'm not a very goddamn mad guy. I'm not, it's not fair to me. I'm not older, I'm not that great of shape, I may or may not be a little drunk, fuck I don't know. You know what a fair drunk driver is? You know what a fair drunk driving day is? Drunk driving. Get the dog out of the garage. Let him show you his skills. I'm not going to come along with the old stupid cheapy-piggies with his young boys.

You can be your own raging alcoholic. You know what I'm saying? That's what we said in the deposition. Here's another fair test. Darts. That's what we said in the deposition. Here's another pair of Jets. Darts. We go back to Elm Street, Tom, where there's all sorts of Jets there.

If you beat me at darts, you're taking your fucking Jets. Wow. Look at that. That's how it's done right there. Absolutely unbelievable stuff. And by the way, Jeremiah, one of my favorite characters, you guys being the Back to the Future guys Wow. Look at that. That's how it's done right there. Absolutely. By the way, Jeremiah, one of my favorite characters, you guys being the Back to the Future guys right there.

Back to the Futures there. A young Chroma Chris covered in hair, Joel Jimenez. Jack Knight and Ben Giaflalo as guests. Pat Reagan. Shout out to Pat Reagan. Patty Reagan. William says he has something that's very urgent. Okay, William, go ahead. This is a proof of your...

I did comedy in Denver two and a half years before I moved here. I've been here now two years. There's a guy, Zach Reiner. He's probably not watching this, but he told me we were doing a show in Nebraska. Make it longer. Make the thing longer that you have to say. Make it longer. Make the thing longer that you have to say.

That he sold a joke to that guy, and it was literally being drunk, doing a DUI checkpoint, hitting it too hard. It was so interesting hearing that. Very good. Hand the fucking microphone back to David. God, you are a train wreck, dude. My God. That's a real thing.

Oh, my God. You are unbelievable. Michael Lair is correct here. He said something. That's a Texas minute for dang sure. That was a little bit longer than a minute. Fucking amazing. David Lucas looks like he's... Okie dokie. I guess we are... There you go.

Okay. You guys playing a song? What are you guys doing? It's in the middle of... Okay. Go ahead. Hey. Step back from that ledge. Step back from that ledge, my friend.

For Jesse, since joining the band, is it tough to learn new songs for the week on top of putting together a costume? It's a dream come true and really fun, actually. In fact, Jeremiah and I have been getting a lot better at writing our notes, and we had a lot of help from Top Shelf Brass, which when they write out our music,

we can play instruments in different keys, and we can just read the music really quick and harmonize. It is incredible. By the way, you just saw them, right? The other day? Jesus. Yes. Yes, I did. I went and saw the Top Shelf Brass band and the great Aphrodite on a Friday night or something like that.

I was a little bit restless around midnight and I jumped in a quick shower and went out and caught them live. Surprised the hell out of them. They were very excited, and that was fun. But anyway, it is incredible, the process, and I feel like a lot of people might not know how fast sometimes you put things together, especially on the road, up to maybe sometimes I've seen you wait until an hour before the show to even start putting songs together what's a texas song or what's a new york song or things like that you learned uh in columbus you learned the ohio state marching band stinger like 20 30 minutes before the start of the show because it turns out it was in a different key and we kept not being able to quite find it and i said that if you play this the crowd will go crazy they didn't quite respond like they like

i thought they would fun fact they are considered the best damn band in the land and i'm paying homage to them every time i call these guys the best damn band can i say what i thought about is like it's so much fun what we do but it sometimes when you step back you go like you forget how much work that we've done like it is a lot of work we just we forget it sometimes because it is so fun what we're doing that you don't think of it in the moment but it is a lot just so you

know we are working hard for you. I remember seeing all y'all preparation in Sacramento y'all started at like 12pm to get shit ready for like an 8pm show I was like damn these guys really are committed to it. Yeah, we were in that Airbnb in the back patio area, and there's a dude who played saxophone who was a neighbor. And he goes, do you need any help?

I go, no, we got it. And he goes, no. And then literally two minutes later, I hear him wailing on his sax inside his house to show, like, I can play too. And I was like, it's just a faster process if I just do it real quick. William, does the thing you want to talk about have to do with what we're talking about right now? It has to do with the movie Poltergeist 2. Okay, there you go.

Go ahead. There you go. Hand it back to David. Can I say one thing, though? Go ahead. These pieces of shit on YouTube. Nope, there you go. I'm sure there's a number of them watching right now. There you go. David. Can I say one thing? Go ahead. These pieces of shit on YouTube. Nope. There you go. I'm sure there's a number of them watching right now. There you go.

Hey, let's keep this momentum going on the band. Is Joel Bumjetski's crowd applause, I believe they're talking about the newly founded Jetski. Ben, ben, ben, ben, ben. Then there's that one. Is Joel Bumjetski

Johnson's crowd applause is a bit cooler than his? Wow. Honestly, fuck no. I love it, man. A rising tide lifts all ships. I love it. We're all killing it. Everybody's killing it.

That is the Kill Tony way. Exactly. A win for anybody is a win for us all. It's a team sport. Fuck, marry, kill. William, David, Michael, go. Jesse Johnson, you're going to start this one off. You have to fuck one, you have to marry one,

and you have to kill one. I think this one's pretty easy. It's pretty easy. I think we definitely know who Jesse's going to fuck, that's for sure. Go ahead, Jesse. Fuck, marry, kill. William, David, or Michael?

Let's see. I'll marry David because he knows how to kill. Hey! I'm gonna kill William. Really? You're gonna fuck Michael. And I'm gonna fuck Michael. That's not right. That's not right.

You got to kill Michael. Right. His dick ain't going to get hard. Well, he's also about to die. No. It's for charity. I got William dying before Michael anyway on my... That's a good bet for Bet DSI.

I can't breathe. I know. I'm going to kill William. I don't breathe no more. What would you be doing if not comedy? Wait, now you guys all have to go. My head's missing. William.

William. All right. Save it for Brothers in Cursive. You're days away from another Brothers in Cursive. Tomorrow. There you go. Save that energy, dude. All that energy goes somewhere.

No. Any life hacks? Any life hacks? Any life hacks? What would you tell your 24-year-old selves? Interesting one. I like that. Write down every joke no matter what. This especially goes for people, I think, in their first five years of starting stand-up or really anything.

Every time that if you have an idea, write it down immediately. Record every set. There you go. For sure write it down immediately record every set there you go for sure commitment is key there you go when i committed myself to the comedy store that's what should have started happening absolutely goddamn right joel fuck be grateful for what you have and stop worrying about what you don't absolutely that's a really good one no matter on what level that is i think uh i think that works there's a little good one. No matter on what level that is, I think that works. There's a little something for... How about you guys down there?

Chroma, any life hacks? Jesse, anybody? I was going to say, enjoy public gatherings. Chroma? Just enjoy people who appreciate the stuff that you put out. I mean, yeah. I'll say, and this goes a lot with what Tony said it and our buddy Jeff Ross has said it a bunch, either enjoy the process or, as Tony says, love the process.

There's certain things when you're doing mics, when you're early on in your career, that you kind of take for granted when you should really be soaking in as much as possible certain things around you. I got reminded of, I was in San Antonio last weekend, and there's just like a group of comics there that were, they were all doing stand-up sets,

but they ended up doing a bit separately. But it was for the good of the show. It didn't matter that they were kind of losing their time. It was just more like a fun camaraderie thing that I saw that you don't get to do when you're doing weekends and stuff and you have certain kind of paying customers and stuff like that, or like a three person show or a two person show. And it's just like,

uh, soak in, uh, being around friends and, and, and watching their sets and learning from them and, and, and,

and, uh, have them learn from you and you all build and grow together. And it's super great. Red band. Why do you like poop and grow together, and it's super great. Red Band, why do you like Poop Fart? Me Like Poop Fart was actually because Tony got mad at the idea of me talking about poops and farts all the time.

So I jokingly said, I'm just going to make a T-shirt that Me Like Poop Fart or something like that. And the next day, he started selling Me Like Po me like poop fart shirts and they sold out immediately. Yes, they sold out. How many of those did you make? 200. 200 shirts. Wow.

That's incredible. It's incredible that you sold 200 poop fart shirts. And as far as I know, maybe 15 Kill Tony shirts in the history of your t-shirt making career. Incredible stuff, Red Band. Very good. What a great businessman you are. Tony, any special skills or talents besides comedy? Look at that. Isn't that an interesting one? That's a fun

one. I mean, sure. I played the piano since I was a little kid. Can you read sheet music and stuff? I never I... Can you read sheet music and stuff? I don't really. I never really learned how to read sheet music because I can play by ear,

and it actually got me in a lot of trouble when I was a kid because my music teacher, my mom, who we didn't have a ton of money growing up, even though she made a little bit of illegal money, people get it twisted, and they think that just because they were in a little touch of organized crime think that just because they were in a little touch of organized crime

that that means that you were rich. That was just barely to survive at those times in Youngstown. Anyway, she spent some of the little bit of money that we had on piano lessons and we had an upright piano against the windows in my dining room, the house

where I grew up in, because the neighborhood was so bad that it was the only windows in my house on the first floor that didn't have bars on them. And so we had an upright piano. Long story short, I would just learn the songs on there, and then I'd go back and play it. But the music teacher, of course, noticed that I wasn't able to read the music, and she kept saying, Tony's just taking shortcuts, which I did for basically every type of learning thing throughout my entire life. And eventually, fun fact, this is how crazy my neighborhood was that I grew up in. Eventually, a robber ended up breaking through. They saw that there weren't bars on those windows.

And they took an axe to that window one day when no one was home. And they busted through the upright piano. They literally went through the middle. If you have any idea how insanely solid, and this was an old school piano too, but they went all the way through it and took a

VCR and a regular Nintendo. I have a, one of my favorite videos I ever got was you and your mom playing piano together at her house in Youngstown, right? Columbus was awesome. Who is Joel's favorite drummer? Dang, I'm going to have to go

with Byron McMacken from the band Petneywise. Another question from my mom for Joel Jimenez. Where did you get that purple dick? She thinks it's a dick. She doesn't even realize it's a dildo. She thinks she took it off of a purple man of some kind. Yeah, I got it at a weird, like the fucking crustiest of sex shops.

I believe Western and Santa Monica. And it was like the cheapest strap-on that I could find at any sort of sex store. Here's a fun fact. Like I was looking at in L.A. what places have the most coronavirus. West Hollywood has the most coronavirus. Because they can afford to travel. I think it's like seven people or something. Absolutely.

That's hilarious. Indeed. When society collapses, which member of the cast will be most prepared? Also, which previous guests would you pick up that would have supplies for your new Mad Max-style camp? Which previous guest would you pick up that would have supplies for your new Mad Max-style camp? I think that's a pretty easy one.

Probably me. Yes. Yes. Red Band would definitely be the most prepared. You would have a bunch of toilet paper, right? Well, I just have a lot of stuff. Right, you're a hoarder. Pretty much.

Yeah, we see your drunken Instagram stories late at night. I just came from having a house to now I have a storage unit, a studio, and an apartment. You had a house? Like when I was in Ohio, I had a big house, basement, garage. When I moved here, it's pretty much... I sold a lot of stuff. Or my house?

No, I was renting the house. I think I would be the most prepared. I have a butt-ton of common sense. And what previous guests would I pick that would have supply? I don't really get that. But I would bet on me.

I would definitely stay at my place. Luis J. Gomez. Why? Bro, I watch Walking Dead. He just reminds me of like a Rick Grimes. He's the first one to get the coronavirus. Yeah, but he'll survive a post-apocalypse world. He's grinding.

Well, most Puerto Ricans are like that. Top three favorite all-time Kill Tony moments. I guess that'll go for everybody, even though it says me. But, I mean, there's a lot of mine, a ton of them. I just love locking in guests. I would say that having, I don't even remember how the episode went, probably not even that great, but we once had Sebastian Maniscalco, Sinbad, and, oh God, someone else. Jimmy Carr on one episode. Thank you, Ryan J. E. Belt, which is just insane. Jimmy Carr is one of the biggest

comedians out of England. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant mind. Master level roaster. My God, you two would fucking never end. Oh, my God. Break it back. Oh, he would blow your mind, David. He's scary. He's Donnell levels of roast scary. As long as he lets me talk.

He'd let you talk, and then you would wish you had. He'll let you dig your own grave. Yeah, exactly. Absolutely. Another, I'll put this in there. One of my favorite things about the show is watching Ryan J. Ebel's evolution of drawings. He's always an unbelievable

artist. Red Band and I both separately, two different occasions asked him to join the show. We said that we have a great show uh that would be awesome for him to draw not even knowing that the other one had already asked him and eventually he came but to get to watch the intricate evolution of his skills i loved it when we had to start every week having a different iron patriot we like when we have tiffany haddish i think we even had jeremiah as Patriot once. And then it grew

into a band. We started having Pat Reagan. Just watching that transformation to a psycho fucking cunt all the way to the band right now. Wow, there you go. The liquor's kicking in for Brian, everybody. He's Montgomerying up right now. Now, a fun fact

about Pat filling in for the Patriot is that Pat could be considered a riot. Right? P-A-T riot spells out Patriot. Fun fact for you.

That wasn't a joke. That was just an interesting... No, I thought about it fucking years ago when I made it happen. Crazy, right? There's a bunch of those little fun facts. Chroma Chris, how many jokes you sit on every Kill Tony? Do you sit on extra jokes, Chris?

Oh, absolutely. Because I have to keep my batting average up to at least close to 100, so I got to sit on so many of them. How about tonight? How many are you sitting on right now? I think I've silently said to myself at least three. By the way, can I just say 100 is a terrible batting average? Batting averages go up to 999.

Wait, what? That means you only get one out of every 10 hits. 365 is like a good batting average. Sports. Oh, I bat 1,000. This is an interesting one. Human centipede cast. What would the order be if we were human centipedes?

I got bad news for everyone. David Lucas is in the back. He can't be up front. I don't think he's up front, but you think Red Band will eat anything. It's a Red Band and David Lucas tale. No, no, no. William and Red Band. Who would you guys put

first? It would be me, then Jesse Johnson. I don't give a fuck about the rest. No matter what, you do not want to follow Red Band. Eat that ass, Jesse. Wow. Red Band. Everybody at home. One, two,

three. Dress care. Hey. You know what I'm doing. Craziest experience on the road. One stand out to you guys. I mean, mine's a no brainer. Food poisoning. Dublin.

Ireland. Manchester. England. I mean, it just didn't get any crazier than that. I want to say one for Joel and I. I think it was the first time we did a road show where we did a recurring character and the crowd knew who those characters were. We got like a pop. I think that that was kind of like we kind of looked at each other.

We're like, oh, they know. They like these characters. You know what I mean? That was a special moment because we're like, oh, it's working. Anytime you're like, we have a band, and they go like, ah. I'm like, damn. Okay, what's the text from your dad, William? Please hush.

You're irritating the shit out of everybody. Sit still and listen. Put your fucking hand down. There you go. Absolutely. I agree with him. Dad's so smart. He ain't gonna listen. 100%. But I also want to. Absolutely. I agree with that. That's so smart. He ain't gonna listen.

100%. But I also want to take a moment to agree with Jeremiah. All those things go a long way with me when I recognize that the audience, especially on the road, is picking up on something. I remember the first time that they chanted Joel Berg. I remember Inventura really being one of the better ones.

The first time that we saw the audience do the jet ski for Jesse Johnson because that La Jolla episode, I do believe it was, came out that day. So it was just a few guys in the front row that literally had just probably listened to it on their way there. And they were doing it when people popped big for like William at at kill tony mania or david lucas when he sits back and is about to start roasting people all these things you know it reminds me of old school pro wrestling there's bad guys and good guys and people you like and people that win you

over and this and that jeremiah williams pandering in san francisco was my favorite one oh my god the golden gate the the golden gate bridge you saying that if you were to jump off a bridge Mandarin in San Francisco was my favorite one. Oh, my God. The Golden Gate Bridge. You sang that if you were to jump off a bridge, it would be the Golden Gate Bridge. We want to know how big Joel Berg's member really is. Joel, do you have any measurements for us? Yeah, I'd say it's eight and a half inches hard. Eight and a half inches hard.

What about that girth, though? We saw the girth at Skank Fest. I'd say it's about that, yeah. Maybe I can touch my thumb to my middle finger about. Is that like a beer can? Like thumb to my middle finger about. Maybe like, I don't know, maybe like about that. Would you say that?

Oh, yeah. That's pretty thick. I would say that that is about the width of a... Like a hot dog bun. A Red Bull can, like a Red Bull. Yeah, a Red Bull can. Yeah, a Red Bull can. Absolutely. David Deere, you want to come up here and say something or talk about something or rant about something? Want to do a minute?

No? You good? How about you, Ryan J? You want to do a minute? Whoa. I think he's thinking about it. He didn't say no right away. Ryan J., you want to do anything? Alright, that's fine. Janice?

No? A closeout song? Should we do a big sing-along to end this thing? Matchbox 20, push. You guys know this one? Lord, I lift your name on high. I don't even know that. What is that? Lord, I lift your name on high. I don't even know that. What is that?

Lord, I love to sing your praises. Wow. Lord, I lift your name on high. Does everybody know Push or Marcy's Playground? Sex and Candy. One that the whole cast can do? We can do that. We could get out of here.

Everybody at home want to sing along with us? I mean, maybe. I don't know. Can you pull up a karaoke sex and candy, but put it on mute? No, it's okay. They can do it. Bring it up on YouTube. Put it on mute.

Show the camera. Show the camera. Show that camera right there. Your drawing. There you go. Here's the drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. You can sort of see that. Go a little bit closer there, Ryan J.

Sex and candy. A little bit closer. Playground. Yes, sir. Wow. Sex and candy. A little bit closer. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. There it is. Wow. That looks great.

And Ryan J. E-Belt's having a sale right now at his website, ryanjebelt.com. Check out all his... Every poster, every print, ryanjebelt.com. It's very exciting. Yeah. Is there a karaoke version with the lyrics up there? We could bring up and you could put it on mute. Maybe just dim the lights a little bit or do they have to go all the way off?

We'll get out of here together. We love you listeners out there. Be safe. Coronavirus is a real thing. We'll figure out something to do next week, too. Maybe a smaller venue, perhaps. Shout out to Mitch for letting us do this.

The Ice House. The oldest comedy club in the world. I had to swing by the comedy store today. You guys sing it. I had to swing by the comedy store today. William, be nice. All right. Here, wait, wait.

And hey, there you go. Mute it. I'm talking about myself and I had so much time to sit and think about myself and there she was yeah like double cherry pie and there she was like disco super

fly I smell sex in here who's that lounging I smell sex in here. Who's that lounging in my chair? Who's that dancing in the stairs in my direction? Mama, there's surely a dream.

Yeah. Yeah, mama, there is surely a dream. Dig it. Dig it. Hey. Come on. Hey. There you go. I'm thinking about myself and I know much more.

Thinking about myself And there she was And platform double sway Yeah, there she was Like this girl, Lemonade Sing it! I smell sexy Can't get here Who's that lounging In my ear This is a dream.

Dig it. Yeah, mama, this trolley is a dream. Yeah. Yeah. I swear to Satan, can't get here Who's that out there in my chair

Yeah Thank you everybody for joining us for this very fun episode of Kill Tony Live stream, dead crowd, wash your hands, love one another Take care

We'll be back in some form or another next week Everybody We love you My father Larry telling me to shut up Just being like William you're bothering them My god I smell Sprite and vodka here. Thank you.